#does anyone else find it weird that he can't talk to horses?

[vividiangelo]

‼️PJO EPOSODE 6 SPOILERS‼️

I was trying so damn hard to find Nico and Bianca in the background of the Lotus Casino. I came up empty handed, BUT I have a horrible eyesight. So if someone did manage to find them, please let me know.

[hoodiedmenace]

Reasons Why Charles Smith and Arthur Morgan are Gay (an almost essay)

Reason 1: from a game play standpoint, you only get a few optional missions. Those missions are helping Mary when she asks (who is Arthur's like, old girlfriend/ex/situationship/it's complicated) and CHARLES when he asks Arthur to help with the local Native American tribe

Reason 2: Charles is super introverted, and doesn't talk to other gang members much at all. However, when Charles goes bison hunting, despite it being a sacred thing that he holds really close, he invites Arthur along

Reason 3: John, Arthur's sort of brother, gets SHOT and MAULED BY WOLVES and Arthur makes fun of him and doesn't treat it seriously. But when Charles burns his hand, Arthur is super doting on him

Reason 4: Arthur doesn't hug people very often, and when he does its always because another person initiates it. He doesn't go in for the hug himself. EXCEPT. With CHARLES. And they hug not once but twice. Once when Arthur finds out that Charles isn't dead, and again when Charles leaves the gang

Reason 4.5: when they hug the last time, you can see them hold hands for about two seconds once the hug has finished, as if they don't want to let go yet. (Which they probably don't because Charles knows that this is probably the last time that he'll see Arthur)

Reason 5: when Mary (again, Arthur's weird ex girlfriend/it's complicated) asks Arthur to run away from the gang and live with her, he says he can't because the gang is his family and he has to stay loyal to Dutch (who is Arthur's father figure/leader of the gang) but when Charles says he's staying to help the Native Americans, Arthur is immediately like "Okay I'll stay too" ............ yeah okay buddy those are totally straight tendencies

Reason 6: Charles is one of the few people that actually shows compassion, care, and offers Arthur a sort of solution when he tells Charles that he's dying. He also says "Oh Arthur" and it's the most devastating thing ever

Reason 7: Charles doesn't make fun of Arthur like. Ever. everyone else calls him stupid and not worth much else than basically a work horse. There are two times when Charles does say it but the first time is when Arthur makes a joke and he goes "you simple minded fool" but like. In a silly way. And the other time Arthur is being Problematic and Charles goes "I know you're not as tough and dense as all that"

Reason 8: Charles goes back for Arthur, finds his body, and buries him. And his grave isn't just the regular tombstone that anyone else's is. It's hand carved wood, on a mountain overlooking the morning sun because "That's what he would have wanted". And there's also flowers purposefully grown there as well

Reason 9: Arthur isn't often given a choice in who he gets to take on missions but when he does, it's always Charles.

Reason 10: Arthur is weirdly submissive towards Charles? Not in a sexual way, but he won't take orders from anyone else besides Dutch and Hosea, and then also Charles.

Reason 11: At the beginning Arthur doesn't just ride anyone's horse, he rides CHARLES'S horse. And also when he dies, Taima takes him to his final resting place

[lastoneout]

Making this it's own post bcs I don't want to detract from the racism discussion on the last post I reblogged(and also this is rambly as hell, sorry) but like I always find the critique that "x genre of music is only about drinking, sex, and violence" wild bcs....almost ALL music in every genre is about that?? Like with rap/hip-hop it ofc this argument ties directly back to racism but even with other genres that get shit on like country people are like "they just sing about getting beers with the boys and driving their trucks" like???? Yeah, I could grab 50 songs from other genres that are about that and beloved regardless??? Getting beers with the boys is a fucking cherished meme on this webbed site!! Or that one Ed Sheeran song people roast all the time like "how dare he write a song about finding his girl's body attractive" bro, are you new here. 99.9% of popular music is "my partner is really hot and I want to have sex with them" and that's like the ONE song of his I know of that's just about fucking like he writes about other stuff, people just ignore those bcs it doesn't fit the narrative of him being a shallow misogynist everyone here loves to drag around and beat like a dead horse.

Why is this a bad thing when people you don't like do it, but fine when the people you do like do it, huh? Hozier is one of the most popular artists out there rn, this site worships the ground he walks on, and yeah his music has a lot of layers of poetic meaning but a lot of it is just about sex and falling in love and violence and drinking. The two are not mutually exclusive!!

Which is kinda the root of it, them not being mutually exclusive, bcs imo even if a genre was entirely saturated with songs exclusively about drinking and sex(which no genre is, you just haven't gone looking for the other stuff), I just don't think that's a problem or means the music is bad or less artistically meaningful?? I genuinely don't think there's a damn thing wrong with writing a song or twelve about finding someone attractive or talking about the violence a lot of people live with every day of their lives or even just churning out a fun party anthem for people to play while they get white girl wasted at a tailgate. Who cares if the art is shallow, why does it have to be "deep" to be worthy of respect, and why does deep and worthy of respect mean "no sex, violence, or drinking", three things that have been part of the human experience since we fucking became humans!

Honestly if you really are looking down on rap and country for being about sex and drinking and violence I want you to ask yourself why you think some artists should be denied the right to write about shit everyone else is writing about all the damn time to massive critical acclaim. Why should black people and rural poor people and women(bcs this is also a critique I heard a LOT aimed at female pop stars) be denied the right to explore the full spectrum of human experience and emotion in their art. Why do they HAVE to tell stories about something else to be taken seriously when their fellow artists can churn out entire albums full of songs about sex and violence and partying and not have anyone bat a fucking eye.

And, on top of that, please ask yourself why you think that something can't be deep while being about sex, drugs, partying, and violence. Bcs that is some fucking discount moral panic bullshit that needs to get knocked out of your head before it festers and you start insisting people who like horror are weird because violence can't be art.

[collidescopeeyes]

Random Relationship Headcanons: Viego

- Wants to be near you literally all the time. Loves physical contact and will find any excuse to get it.

- He physically can't blush, which is a tragedy because otherwise you could see how flustered you make him :( you still catch him just staring at you with open adoration so it's ok though

- Gives you privacy if you ask for it but his default state is wanting to be around you. Kind of guy who would be thrilled to watch paint dry with you cuz it means you get to spend time together. Will follow you around until you pay attention to him, 100% sulks if neglected for too long but can't stay mad at you for long.

- Gets jealous easily but is working on not being so possessive, so he just gets clingy(er) if he's feeling insecure. It's kinda cute.

- Low key gets freaked out if he doesn't know where you are. His last love died painfully in front of him ok he's got Trauma

- Can tell immediately if there's something up with you, pls talk to him about it, he worries and he just wants to help

- Likes to read, from romance novels to historical texts. Goes through surviving texts from Camavor frequently, trying to jog his memory. Keeps a journal now, in case the mist takes any more memories. A lot of it is prose about how pretty you were today, a fair hand at sketching too.

- Likes animals, especially dogs and horses–royal hunts were a big family event growing up. Animals do not like him anymore, the mist makes them uneasy. It makes him sad sometimes :(

- Has strong opinions on wine and ballroom music. Will talk about the composition of a symphony for hours if you let him. Would love to teach you to dance.

- Used to care a lot about how he dressed, but those memories are still pretty fuzzy and he doesn't really think about it anymore–dying kinda puts vanity into perspective. Likes dressing you up though, and will definitely dress to match if you're going somewhere. He likes the idea of coordinated outfits.

- Gets moody occasionally, it all gets a bit much for him sometimes and he starts thinking about all his fuck ups. Alternates between sad and self-blaming to frustrated and kinda bitchy, but does his best not to take it out on anyone. Instantly feels bad and apologizes if he says anything out of line. Give him time, cuddles and reassurance and he'll start feeling better.

- Can't sleep without you in his arms. Doesn't choose to sleep often anyway (he gets bad nightmares), but will happily lay there all night watching you sleep. Doesn't like to admit that though bc he knows it's kinda weird.

- Doesn't need to eat or sleep or drink, but likes doing it anyway. The other wraiths in the isles are shadowy mist creatures because they're souls the mists have taken, and the bodies are somewhere else. Viego’s situation is closer to him ACTUALLY being the crown and just possessing his own body constantly, sort of like he'd possess anyone else’s. He's still technically undead though so his only real bodily need is the magic that's keeping him walking around

- The crown can't be moved, his head just moves with it. It's sort of like horns, except they're not actually attached to his head. Yank him around by it ;). He can demanifest it if he tries but it makes him feel numb and weirdly claustrophobic

- Speaking of, is claustrophobic. Man was trapped in a sword for like a thousand years; he was only quasi aware that whole time, kind of like having a nightmare or sleep paralysis, but it still makes him uncomfortable. Doesn't come up much since he just kinda mist teleports out if he starts feeling cramped. If it's ever for some reason necessary he will be holding you like an emotional support stuffy and you won't get a choice about it.

- His tears are black and dissipate into mist after a bit. It's very goth. Can control the amount of mist pouring from his heart; at its thickest it's almost like a small waterfall.

- Lets you put your fingers in his chest hole exactly one time. It was so cold you couldn't actually feel anything. He described it as akin to someone squeezing his heart.

- He can float but it takes concentration and he honestly prefers just walking. Also, he's tall asf. You need something off a high shelf, he's your man.

- His sense of temperature is fucked. He can tell if something's hot, but if you hand him an ice cube and a piece of wood he can't tell which ones colder without looking. Worries his hands are too cold for you since you always feel warm to him (they're not)

- Looking at his reflection weirds him out, and sometimes you catch him staring at his hands. Man doesn't have an introspective bone in his body though so he couldn't tell you why, but really he only sort of remembers what he used to look like and sometimes the dissonance gets to him.

- In the far far future of TIARW some of the restored shades will choose to stay in the kingdom, since apparently Viego was beloved by the people before his wife died and he went fully off the deep end. Viego gets the opportunity to redeem himself to his people and kingdom, and another shot at being king but older and wiser now. With you as his queen, he swears not to make the mistakes of his past and to rule with the best interests of Camavor in mind. Maybe I'll write an epilogue along those lines at some point.

NSFW (under cut)

- Look he's perma stuck in honeymoon phase he's Thirsty

- High libido. A menace if you let him be but 100% respects if you aren't feeling like it, he knows he can be a bit much. Does need lot of physical intimacy but that doesn't need to be sex necessarily, he just likes making you both feel good

- Despite this, doesn't jerk off much. It's being with you that gets him going, not that he specifically wants to get off

- He doesn't get tired. Like ever. 0 refractory, will just go until either you tap out or he's so overstimulated he can't anymore. Watching his cum drip out of you just gets him so worked up though so it's a vicious cycle

- He's got a filthy mind and will have you every which way he can think of, in every room you'll let him. Fav position is probably you riding him cowgirl though; he likes the view

- Likes leaving lovebites, but he lowkey feels bad if he bruises you by accident. He gets carried away and forgets his strength sometimes, you'll have to convince him you're fine. He heals too fast for you to leave marks on though, it's tragic :(

- He's touch starved, we all know this, he was trapped in a sword for a thousand years. In particular though, his neck is very sensitive, as well as his thighs and lower back. Doesn't like the area around his chest cavity being touched. Loves having his hair pulled.

- He's got experience. He was a heartbreaker in his youth and he figures out exactly what you like uncannily quickly

- Love love loves going down on you, he loves watching you and he gets to make you feel good, doesn't even care if he cums as long as he gets to eat you out

- Boss him around, he loves it when you take charge. Loves being both praised and degraded, will try so so hard to be good for you. Edge him until he cries, make him cum over and over, yank him around by the crown and tell him what a pathetic cum drunk slut he is, he'll take it all and beg for more <3

- Not specifically dommy so if you aren't taking the reigns he's the perfect combination of loving and so horny he can't think straight. Tells you how pretty and perfect you are while he makes a fucking mess of you.

- He's so loud. If he's not telling you how good you feel or how perfect you are, he's moaning and whimpering and swearing. Ask him a question and watch him struggle to put a coherent sentence together in real time.

- If you want to give him a task you know he'll fail, tell him to keep quiet. Fucks it up immediately and he gets SO upset, full tears in eyes begging to make it up to you.

- Will happily do whatever makes you both feel good, willing to try most things you want to. Hard limits, wouldn't like saying mean things or hurting you even as part of a scene (receiving tho, yes pls). Also, very mixed feelings about doing it anywhere anyone could ostensibly see you–on one hand everyone should know you're his and he's yours, on the other he'd have to kill them. It would be the only way, they gotta die.

- Aftercare is a must, whole nine yards, hot scented bath and cuddles and affirmations all around.

[mxtantrights]

day court!reader disagrees with Helion about ongoing tensions with the night court

You know you're stomping but you can't help it. You can't help how your riding boots just hit the marble floors so harshly and with an exact rhythm to them. Almost sounding like a stead horse yourself.

You roll your shoulders back as you see the door to the office open. It's not like you're not one to voice your opinions. Maybe if you were anyone else it wouldn't go this way. But because you are related to him, you have the confidence to do certain things.

The thing you're planning on doing today being telling him that he's wrong. High risk, low reward.

You get up to the door and find him there. Helion. Your uncle. He's standing over his desk, quill in hand as he scribbles out something. Honestly he doesn't seem to busy. If the door is open he wanted to be interrupted.

"I heard you clobbering here. Something wrong?" he asks.

You sigh, "You're wrong."

He picks his head up at that. He's not used to being told that. Which is weird because you feel like you've been the only one to tell him this in his life, and it's happen on multiple occasions. Granted you were younger then.

"Do tell, niece."

You walk into the room and shut the door behind you. It was probably bad that the door was open and you openly talked to him that way. But you weren't too concerned about it at the moment.

Besides it's not like anyone here will go a rat on you. All the people within the palace know exactly who you are, so they know what you mean to Helion. In fact some of them helped to raise you.

"Relations with the night court and the day court aren't strained." you cut to the point.

Helion gives you a daring look.

"Would you not call the recent attacks on members of this court, insinuated by night court visitors, a bad reaction?" he asks.

You shake your head, "No I know that's bad. But that doesn't reflect on everyone from the night court. And neither does the group of bandits from the day court that are standing trial for their retribution."

"Two wrongs don't make a right." Helion answers.

"And being right isn't always fair. What about those who are going to suffer for the mistakes of others?" you ask him.

Helion lets out a huff. He drops his quill and rounds his desk to you. The warmth from his hands on your shoulders makes you loosen up a bit.

"I know this is personal for you." he says.

"Even if it weren't, I would still tell you this is wrong." you snip.

Helion laughs, "What am I wrong about specifically?"

You scoff, "You're going to limit the amount of night court migrants."

"Who told you that, little star?"

"Jaythan. He said it was all but signed."

"He's a little shit, who wants to protect his people, but he's not the high lord of this court. I am. And I am not signing off on any ban on night court fae." Helion explains.

You let out a breath of relief. "You're not."

"No. And I'm appalled that you'd even think I would."

"I wouldn't blame you for making a harsh move to keep your people safe." you clarify your previous frustrations.

Helion nods his head.

"Rest easy. I heard Jaythan out, but I don't plan on instituting his proposal."

"That's good to hear. Thank you for explaining to me."

"Yes, anytime. We're family. But now I have to go and knock some sense into Jaythan. If you'll excuse me." Helion says.

Then he's moving past you, and out of his office. You watch as he enters the hall. He doesn't look mad, he never does really. He handles situations with such diplomacy and elegance.

In your hundreds of years of living you've never seen him mad. You hope you never have to.

[yallemagne]

I think a great deal of the horror in this segment consists of wondering if Mina is actually secretly evil and totally feeding off of Van Helsing in his sleep. That part of the horror has never affected me because I'm just like "don't fucking dare insult my daughter's good name by teasing that she'd assault a sleeping man, she would not" but that's just me.

Even when she's creepy and laughing that she is safe from the Weird Sisters, she's actively trying to protect Van Helsing from them, which gives me the impression that she is either still far off from being a vampire or that even in a vampiric state, she is not totally selfish, which adds to my insistence that she wouldn't hurt VH.

In Re: Dracula, we hear Dracula laughing along during the scene. He's watching, and he's amused to find these two being sitting ducks. Even if the Sisters weren't successful in stealing any blood, except from the horses, at least he got a laugh out of seeing the two quake in fear.

Van Helsing leaves Mina alone in the woods. Where there're wolves. Yeah sure, vampires can't nab her up, and she can't be compelled to leave the circle, but a wolf sure doesn't need permission to enter. He at least acknowledges this and is like "I'm gonna make this quick". He does not make it quick.

Something that strikes me is how absolutely shocked he is that he finds the vampires beautiful. He's like "me! can you believe it? me!" I'm pocketing that for my ace headcanon--

There are two different ways you can read his explanation of the vampire trance, one being a self-excusing "well you know us men, horny always", and one being what I prefer, which is an explanation that anyone, regardless of their intentions and what they truly desire, would be beset by the beauty of a vampire because that is the vampire's natural defence against being killed. Doubt is a powerful weapon used by a monster.

I've always imagined Mina's interruption as... well, more like it is described: a low continuous wail, a scream. Re: Dracula instead having her let out quiet weeping sobs is more sorrowful, perhaps feeling pity for the vampire women like VH does.

Van Helsing having such a hard time staking these three complete strangers (and previously delaying staking Lucy until he could find someone else to do it) gives me a certainty that he could probably never stake Mina himself. The guilt of ending the reign of terror of these three remorseless monsters is too much for him to bear, and his relief whenever he has proof that Mina is not a vampire yet, he rejoices, and it feels more for his own sake than hers. He doesn't want to be the one.

It reminds me of how his main argument in favour of him being the one sent away with Mina is the fact that he can be easily killed. Not so comforting for a candidate meant to protect Mina, but if he instead brought it up as in "I will die for her, my life can be sacrificed."... well.

I'm still slapping him in his old face for assuming that when Mina talks about her husband approaching she is referring to the gross old box man and not her HUSBAND, JONATHAN.

[sausage-rolll]

Kind of beating a dead horse (goat?) here but does anyone else find the interaction between Kris and Ralsei in chapter 2, before bringing all the Darkners to castle town kind of weird?

Just to refresh your memory, I'm talking about when he ushers Susie away, approaches Kris and whispers-

"(Kris, I have something to ask of you.)

(I need you to return to the Light World...)

(And go to the old classroom, to the EAST of the closet doors.)

(Inside, gather everything on the ground...)

(And bring it back here. Could you?)"

Most people have seen this interaction and have come away wondering how Ralsei knows the layout of the Light World, but I don't think that's the most important issue here. Mainly because knowledge of the Light World seems innate for certain Darkners, as Queen also references her light world location being the Library several times.

No, the thing I find weird about this interaction is his insistence on keeping Susie entirely in the dark.

This, by all accounts of reason doesn't make any sense.

Not only would two Lightners realistically have a much easier time transporting all of those items than one, but Susie is their team mate, there's absolutely no reason to keep this a secret from her, even with their rocky first encounter. But despite this, Ralsei goes to great lengths to make sure only Kris hears this advice, not only talking well out of earshot of Susie but also whispering as to negate any chance of her overhearing him.

It's just weird. I know a lot of people playing chapter 2 for the first time picked up on the uncomfortable vibe Ralsei was giving off in the beginning but I don't see much discussion on this interaction in particular.

And it's not only this either. From what I can tell, he seems to have a bit of a habit of keeping secrets from Susie. Even more so than his normal secrecy.

My memory is admittedly kind of foggy, so I can't pinpoint all examples of this, but a specific one that comes to mind is his secret conversations with Kris from chapter 1 and 2, which even we haven't been able to see yet. (Though you could easily argue that it's the player he doesn't want overhearing the conversation that time.)

-------------------

What do you think? Is there a totally reasonable explanation behind these actions? Am I just reading too far into things, or does something actually seem off with his exclusion of Susie in this conversation?

[pacifymebby]

Yooooo I just had this crazy dream of the modern peaky blinders with euphoria characters lmao I won't say what all happened because I have a shit memory and my mind is a weird junkyard filling my dreams with crazy nonsense but this one actually kind of makes sense

but I was talking to Maddie then MICHAEL GRAY walks over and they kiss, I was freaking out for a second but then it just made sense, because they both love money and power, Maddie values money more but it takes power to be able to do nothing and Michael also loves money but values power more but power means to have enough money to do what you want, they're similar also not cause one doesn't want anything life threatening to happen to anyone else and the other is literally a gangster so they just balance each other out

so I would give them this to describe them⬇️

☯️yin yang☯️

and now I can't stop thinking about what characters work well with other characters,

like Cassie's mom and John would FOR SURE work well with each other both of their inappropriate humor and drinking problems would definitely draw each other together but have enough differences between the two to where they don't even consider anything else than a drinking buddy, but they also know what it's like raising kids on their own for a while but also know of the others parenting style, they ignore this fact halfway through the night and watch million dollar match maker together so it only makes sense they're ⬇️

✨alcoholic besties✨

Rue's mom and aunt Polly would clash over their legal/illegal views on the world but would definitely agree on most things cause y'know taking care of out of control children all on their own and they both have common sense so obviously they're ⬇️

💥frenemies💥

(or at the very least have an understanding)

Tommy would definitely see something familiar in rue, cause y'know they both used/use drugs and relationships as a way of coping with serious issues in their life and tend to make decisions that put them in really dangerous situations and the complete disregard for their safety and actually caring about their family but ultimately make decisions that hurt them but still makes things work out in the end somehow, and rue would straight up just think he's creepy as fuck and stays far away as much as possible so I would give them ⬇️

🌛cautionary tale/dumb kid🌜

Jules dad and aberama gold, Jules dad through out the show is supportive of Jules and most likely approved of Jules getting hormone therapy and regular therapy supporting Jules in who she is and who she wants to be as well as regularly going out to eat and talking and we later see that he always checks up on Jules when he thinks something so seriously wrong like when Jules runs upstairs when her mom comes back and she waits for her dad upstairs or when he runs after Jules when she runs away but she doesn't talk to him because she doesn't trust him it's because of outside forces not him and her dad actually makes Jules get professional help not because he thinks there's something wrong with her but because she genuinely needs help and he understands why she won't talk to him but also understands she needs to talk to someone, aberama goes to the scariest mf in Birmingham because he can potentially help Bonnie on his boxing dream, Abe tests tommy to see if tommy would even help Bonnie and his dream, he does this by trying to buy to buy Charlie's yard, to see if tommy would do it but he only does this for bonnie because we find out Bonnie's tired of traveling(at least it's hinted) but after Bonnie's death we find out abe buys at least a miles worth of land with over thirty years worth of money and was already planning mansion (20 bedrooms specifically) with their own gym for Bonnie and stables to breed horses, all for Bonnie and his dreams

which makes both David and aberama ⬇️

🧑‍🍼supportive and understanding dad's🧑‍🍼

There's so much more I could do but I'm just gonna stop now

toodles 🤙💜

(ps I'm sorry if this looks weird I did this on my shitty phone because my dumb ass broke my computer anyways love you and your writing and hopefully your dreams aren't as weird as mine because I left out some weird ass details that I will take to my grave, as always you're amazing 😚💋)

Oh wow thats so cool, a crazy dream for reallll and so detailed?! I wish i was having dreams like that. But omg i love how your mind works cause I haven't actually seen much of euphoria (is it good i keep thinking i should try and watch it and just never getting round to it haha) but I think i understand what you mean about these characters. I love what u said about money/power between Michael and Maddie and how they can want the same things but in different ways.

Also everything you said about John is so right, i sometimes forget that theres this more serious side to him because hes always so laidback and playful but youre right, he really does know the struggle of raising kids alone but also i dont know, has a specific way (maybe not the best) thats like lighthearted way of making the best of a situation and just going with thw flow. I love the idea of him bonding with a single mum like that and becoming alcoholic besties haha (might write a modern au imagine based on this whole idea tbh)

And omg the stuff you said about Aberama is so true, i hadnt even thought about it that deeply in terms of him testing tommy and having all those plans for Bonnies future (and honestly it broke my heart a bit and i now have to live in a world where bonnie isnt dead and he's training in his own private gym in the Gold mansion) but Aberama really is just such a devoted father who wants the best for his son <3 <3 <3

Bestie ur so clever for all of this i love this message haha ❤️❤️❤️

[crystalelemental]

About the Unova VA, if you'll allow me, I'd like to ramble about it a bit (mostly because I don't where else to talk about it). So, I think this is by far one of the best VA Pokemas has produced along Hoenn's: of course, it's no surprise since Unova has a really strong cast, but still I admit it also very much catered to me. I mean, one thing I've been insisting for years is that Hugh and N are way more similar than the fanbase thinks; I know Hugh is widely considered the weakest rival (1/?)

Of Unova (you included), but his character arc is to me plainly fascinating: he starts out hating Team Plasma because of what happened to his sister, then he finds the Plasma grunts and Rood, fully regretting having followed Ghetcis and trying to make amends. And what does he do? He insults them because of course he does, he is still holding a grudge! But then, THEN he sees they actually cared about Pokémon's wellbeing and he comes around his initial opinion on them; so, in postgame, he is (2/?)

Seen working alongside Rood&co. to reunite the stolen Pokémon with their old Trainers. And the thing that irks me is that I've never seen anyone point out that it's the same arc N went through in BW, just in reverse: N didn't trust Trainers but then by meeting the player, he comes around his idea and the sequels show a new ideal of cooperation between humans and Pokémon. And this is why Hugh's words to N hit me right in the heart: I was antsy about his characterization, because it's so easy(3/?)

To meme on Hugh, just look at this kit, so am I glad they actually kept his development and used him to reinforce the whole theme of diversity of Unova and its acceptance (I'm just a tad miffed that he didn't tell him he works with Rood, now). Like... man, I love Gen 5. I'm a Johto stan for life, but Unova storytelling is SO good. Ok, now I'll get off my high horse. I do have some misgivings about it, but I say I talked enough, though if you're interested I can talk about that too. (4/4)"

You're good, anon, go off. You can talk about the misgivings too, if you'd like, I'll listen. I'm gonna respond under a cut, though, to avoid letting this get too long.

Honestly you bring up good points. While I am absolutely not a Hugh fan, I do acknowledge there's some good stuff in his character, I'm just not particularly taken with the angsty act. One too many "You're about to feel my rage" comments, I think. But you're right, he does go through good growth and development, and I actually don't think I remembered that he works directly with Rood after postgame. It's been a long while since I did anything postgame in BW2, I'll admit.

I think Masters handled Hugh really well. I actually did expect more of a conflict between Hugh and N over the whole Team Plasma thing. They even kinda set it up with Paulo and Looker's conversation, with Hugh feeling much more like Paulo in that moment. But given the connection to Rood and that Hugh has seen former members reform, it makes sense that he'd be able to assess the situation more neutrally and determine for himself that N isn't a bad guy. Even without knowledge of BW2 postgame, that did catch me off-guard, and was pretty sweet.

I think for me, Unova feels less interesting largely because it's still very much doing what it's always done. N and Hugh was an interesting direction to go that worked well, but I feel like, in a weird way, it's everyone else's presence that drags it down a bit. No one else does all that much, with Rosa, Nate, and even Colress feeling completely ancillary. There's also the issue of Ghetsis' ultimate plan fizzling to nothing. I know they can't actually make the True Dragon in this side game (maybe the Legends Unova game, eh?), but he barely even tried to do anything so it feels less impressive of a villain move. Even Cyrus, who ultimately just wanted to nap, managed to pull something off. Ghetsis just feels very...defanged, at this point. Like all he has is his words, and when no one is listening to him anymore, he's not really capable of much anymore.

[aidenlyons]

When they get upstairs, it's clear that there really isn't much of a grand tour for Tony to give Aiden.

T: Kitchen there, bathroom there, and.. the rest. It still looks nice to Aiden.

A: Nice. This is bigger than I expected, from what you said.

Aiden doesn't feel like he has to stand on ceremony and plans on making them something to eat, but...

A: Tony, you need groceries.

T: Yeaahhh.. I know. I keep forgetting.

A: Living on take out and pizza?

T: Shut up.

T: You can talk if you can cook. I want all the details of what's been going on lately, you've been too busy to call, huh?

A: Sorry, sorry. There's been.. a lot. I told you about my new job, right?

T: Tattoo parlor with the hot tattoo artist?

Aiden hides his blush in chopping a few vegetables he found in the crisper.

A: ... yeah. Yufit. He's been really nice.

T: Nice, nice, or flirty nice?

A: .... there may have been some flirting.

T: Aiden. You're single. Don't sound so guilty, you're allowed to flirt.

A: I know. It feels weird. Never been with anyone other than Jake.

T: Here's your opportunity. You don't have to marry him. Or even date him.

A: I know.

T: Besides, maybe what you had with Jake wasn't that great.

Aiden nearly cuts himself as he jolts. Cautious in his next question.

A: What do you mean?

T: I mean, yeah, it *seems* pretty great. But you said it, you've never dated anyone else.

A: So?

T: So how do you know Jake was that great?

A: I.. I just..

T: I'm just saying. No harm in finding out for sure by chatting up your hot coworker.

Aiden knows that, he does. He's been.. receptive to the flirting, and returning it a little. Doesn't keep it from feeling strange and a little wrong.

A: What about *your* love life?

T: Ohhh.. have I told you about my hot neighbor upstairs?

Aiden laughs.

A: Not yet.

T: Oh, he's just my type. He helped when he saw me struggling with some boxes.

A: He can't be that bad then.

T: He doesn't talk much. Kind of gruff. But he's big and hot.

A: Maybe we'll see him while I'm here.

T: You know there's a public pool next door? With a cute cafe. I see him there sometimes.

A: Hah! Just happen to see him.

T: Hey! Swimming is excellent exercise.

A: Yeah, I know. You know I love to swim. Eye candy doesn't hurt. Trust me, you should see my housemates.

A: Well maybe we'll see him there tomorrow. You can't tell me there's a pool and not show me.

T: My thinking exactly. How's that food coming? I'm starving. I had to wait for a certain *someone* to get here at the train station.

A: It's right here, Tony. Hold your horses. Such gratitude for a home cooked meal.

T: Shut up. .... It looks amazing. Thank you.

A: Thanks for letting me stay. This will be fun. And I need to get some warmer clothes for fall. My old stuff doesn't fit well.

T: Freshmen 15 and not even in university?

A: Shut up. No. I've put on some muscle.

T: Mhm. Careful or you'll go from Twink to Twunk.

Aiden nearly chokes on nothing at all.

A: WHAT?!

T: You know what I'm talking about.

A: I can't believe you just said that to me. What the heck?

T: Hey, I call it like I see it.

A: Shut up and eat.

T: Uh-huh. Thanks for the food, it's good.

A: Anytime. You need something healthier once in a while.

[bells-of-black-sunday]

5, 10, 18 (go wild), 26

Character Building questions | Accepting

5. Can they cry on command? If so, what do they think about to make it happen?

Tarhos cannot cry on command and doesn't really cry all that often at all. He thinks crying is a sign of weakness and others will exploit if they see that from him however he does still cry. Every time a horse or dog he's bonded with dies he cries he can't help it, it's some of the few genuine connections and comforts he has. If anything serious were to come to harm Haru after the initial point of being pissed at himself for letting it happen he'd cry. Again it's not something that happens often and he tends to try to find a place to hide and be alone when it does, but it happens occasionally.

10. What fact do they excitedly tell everyone about at every opportunity?

He doesn't really have one...? He doesn't really excitedly tell anyone anything at every opportunity, but he does like talking about war stories and hearing other people's. It's the quickest in you have to getting to talk to him and him tolerate you.

18. Who do they love truly, 100% unconditionally (if anyone)?

Hi I love them a normal amount-

As stated on my rules page and Tarhos's page, he is single-shipped with Haru and I do talk about their relationship a bit on his page too about how they met. He is head over heels for him you have never seen a more devoted man. He is submissive in the way a livestock guardian is over their flock, he's only submissive to him and will not hesitate to protect him from anyone else. Haru has had an arguably worse life than Tarhos has, his family was killed and he was emasculated and sold as a female consort to men in Europe. He's resigned himself to that life and is terrified of other people just because of how he's not allowed to have boundaries about his own person and when the captain got him... well- he was given as a "gift" to Tarhos.

He obviously doesn't own him and literally has no say if the captain were to change his mind, they're simply sharing a bed and living space together. Tarhos is the first person who ever treated him like just another person and let him have boundaries. He turns away when he changes, he turns his back to him when they sleep, he's very confrontational when people are being weird about his existence, he just... treats him like a person. And eventually they grow close. Tarhos is the first sense of safety Haru has ever had and he's a great comfort to Tarhos. Haru is one of the few people who will hold his head in his lap and tell him he didn't deserve what happened to him.

Casual sex, because they were both pent up and bored turned into nights of passion where they're dancing on the edge of admitting that this is more than that until Tarhos finally cracks and admits he has feelings for him. He worships the ground Haru walks on, he treats him like he's a God and does everything in his power to make sure all of his needs are taken care of while giving him space to himself. You have never seen a man more devoted. He brings him gifts of books and jewelry snatched from raids, things he can hide or no one will care about or notice. He saves up what little money he gets and pays for him to get new dresses when his get a little too worn.

They carve out a weird sense of domestic life out of their own shit one and while they have different views on how life is meant to be, it doesn't stop them from acting like they're married already. When there's even the hint of Tarhos being freed of his contract they make plans far into the future. However... once he is free and he takes Vittorio's contract for the money to get the three that's when things actually start going downhill. He's fine when he leaves for the expedition Vittorio wants him to go on, but when he gets back he's cold and distant. Violently pulling villagers from their homes just to slaughter them for some occult ritual, he tortures people close to Vittorio and it scares Haru.

That's the only time he's ever been afraid of him. Though Tarhos never did more than grab him a little too harshly, it's still enough for the wariness about him to carry into the fog and then once that happens starts the long process of repairing what they do have left. That's where we are now. Where they have repaired a lot of it, but there's still work to be done. Tarhos is more on edge and more violent to others for knowing about his relationship with Haru than he was before, but it's in service of protecting him. They still meet after every trial, escorting him back to the borgo so he can brush and braid his hair like he used to, but it's so much different even if they still love and care about each other.

Their sense of normalcy could break at any moment, but they're happy together in their fucked up little world.

26. How would they respond to being fired by a good boss?

Assuming this is for modern, because we've talked about Tar's retirement briefly. It really depends to be entirely honest. If Robin fires him "for his own good" he'll be pissed, he hates people thinking they know what's best for him especially when it's people he knows and likes. If he fires him because he fucked up big time he'll be way more understanding, but genuinely I think it's far more likely that Tar's going to get some sort of permanent injury that makes Haru and Robin force him to retire.

[charliedawn]

Imagine being send to the Maze and being childhood friends of Newt and Gally (Part 1)

The first thing you notice when you open your eyes are the bright red lights, blinding you momentarily as you seem to go further up. You try to look around for anything that you may use as a weapon and are relieved to find a hammer. At least, you wouldn't be defenseless..You wait until the elevator stops completely before hiding underneath a nearby cover. You soon hear the doors open and see multiple feet entering the cage to take the crates. However, a certain pair of feet stops just in front of you and, without a warning, snatches the cover from above your head.

" What the..?!"

But you don't let the boy finish his sentence before taking the hammer out and knocking him out to get out. Some of the boys try to stop you, but you run faster and climb up the only place you know where you can be safe. The tower. You climb up as fast as you can and threaten anyone that would climb up would feel your wrath. Alby tries to talk to you, but your only answer is a banana in his face..However, after a few minutes, you say that you will not get down until you've talked to those named Gally and Newt. The two men look at each other with a slight frown, not understanding why the weird girl would want to talk to them. They still oblige and climb the stairs with caution. When they reach the top, you are huddled in a corner and look at them with suspicious narrowed eyes.

" Are you Gally and Newt ?"

Newt nods before crouching in front of you with a kind smile.

" Yes. I'm Newt, and this is Gally..Now, mind telling us who you are and how you know us ?"

You bite you lower lip hesitantly before finally admitting.

" Because, I knew you..My name is Lace, and I was your friend."

Their eyebrows both shot up in surprise and you lower your hammer. You want to get out something from your inner pocket, but Gally is quick and grabs your upper arm with a worried frown. You raise your hands in surrender and he is the one that takes out the thing you wanted to show them. A picture. A picture with three kids surrounded by their parents. A family picture. Newt looks at the picture as well and looks up at you with incomprehension. You understand and quickly explains.

" It's us. It's been a long time of course but, I never gave up hope that I would find you. I had to work very hard to get here and not get my memory zapped like everyone else. But, it was definitely worth it.."

You hug Newt that seems dumbfounded for a moment, but wraps his arms around you tentatively as well. Gally, still clutching the picture in his hand, eyes you warily, unsure as to trust you or not. You feel his hesitation and decide not to hug him..yet. However, Newt is curious and asks when you've taken a step back.

" W..Who were we ? Who were our parents ? I have so many questions.."

You laugh at his obvious enthusiasm and you nod understandingly.

" Of course. And I'll answer every one of them. Gally, you are the son of two marins and you spent most of your life on a boat. You parents were nice and hard-working people. While you, Newt, are the son of a bookshop owner and a gardener. I never met such lovely people and so gentle..They were very good people. You can be proud. They fought very hard to protect you."

Newt smiles proudly and his eyes fill with tears at you description, while Gally stares at you with his permanent frown..They hadn't changed. Even with the world turning to chaos, they had managed to stay the same as you remembered them..

" And we're supposed to believe that ?! For all we know, this could be a trap. You could be a trap. This image could be fake and everything you just said may just end up being a big lie.."

Gally, always the cautious one..You sigh and walk towards Gally that arks an eyebrow and takes a step forward, as if to prove that he isn't afraid of you. However, you only smile up at him before taking him surprisingly by the ear to yank him forward.

" Gally. I've spent the last 6 years searching for you. So, I don't give a thing if you believe me or not. I'm gonna make you two leave this place even if it's the last thing I do..I won't wait for a griever or whatever abomination there is out there get to you. I'm going to save you, that you want it or not. Got it, Mister Grumpyface ?"

Newt wants to intervene, but you glare at him with such intensity that he doesn't dare cross you. You then return to Gally that is red with anger and embarrassment. If looks could kill..Well, you would be very dead. Fortunately, you know that Gally has trouble with hitting girls..So he wouldn't hurt you. Possibly. However, he slaps your hand away and walks away, mumbling to himself about how you will be the end of everything.

Newt stands by you side and sighs at the reaction of his friend.

" Sorry about him..He'll come around eventually."

You smile and nod before looking at the knife on the floor.

" So, you're positive that everyone here is safe ? You're safe ?"

You ask with concern and he nods with a small reassuring smile.

" We are. Well..As safe as one can get in the Labyrinth that is."

You nod again understandingly before looking at the huge walls ahead. Instinctively, you grab Newt's hand and promise him.

" I'll get you out of here..And I'll make sure that W.I.C.K.E.D never finds you again."

He frowns, pondering for a moment before his face lights up and he asks excitedly.

" Wait..You know W.I.C.K.E.D ?! You're like Tommy then !"

You frown in incomprehension and Newt takes your hand to guide you towards the ladder.

" Come on. There's someone you should meet."

You trust him and get down as well. You follow him, trying to ignore all of the odd stares that the rest of the group is giving you. You arrive in a little hut where a dark-haired boy is looking at the runners at a map. You automatically recognize him and freeze. Newt turns his head towards you with a small frown.

" Are you okay ?"

But you don't answer and only start walking towards the boy and embracing him in front of everyone, crying. You then whisper in his ear.

" Thank you.."

Thomas doesn't know how to react and looks at Newt for an explanation, but Newt is as surprised as him. Sensing his discomfort, you take a step back and laugh awkwardly while wiping your tears away.

" Sorry..You..You told me how to get in. I thought they had killed you.."

He doesn't understand, but then another voice rise up.

" Y/N ?!"

You look in the direction of the voice and find..Oh God no..Theresa. You glare at her with crossed arms and gritted teeths. Of course, she would follow Thomas in Hell if it meant helping W.I.C.K.E.D. Before anyone can stop you, you take a nearby knife and try to attack her. However, Gally is there to grab your hand and twist your arm. You let go of the knife while him and some other guys drag you away. However, you still scream at Thomas and Newt.

" Don't trust her ! She'll kill us all !"

You are locked in some kind of pit and Gally closes it while glancing at you.

" You shouldn't have done that..You nearly broke one of the rules.."

Gally tells you finally and you look up at him with surprise.

" What rules ?"

His eyes widen in surprise.

" Newt didn't tell you ?"

You shake your head negatively and he sighs loudly before answering you.

"There are three rules you must follow in order to stay.

Never go outside the Glade, unless you are a Runner.

Never hurt another Glader. We have to trust each other.

Everyone does their part. No slackers.

You tried to hurt Theresa. But, since you didn't know the rules. I suppose they'll let it slide.."

However, he doesn't seem too happy about that last part. You decide not to push it and ask him instead.

" You don't want to know anything about your old life, why ?"

He seems to hesitate before answering truthfully.

" Because I'm afraid to know why they send me away.."

You frown. Send him away ? You are about to answer him when he takes back his serious face and adds almost spitefully.

" And I don't trust you."

That is more understandable. He looks one last time at you before walking away.

" I'll come search for you tomorrow morning."

You don't respond and wait until the light of his torch is far enough before taking out a small wooden horse with a small smile.

" I did it, mom..I found them. I'll find him also, I promise."

You kiss the small object before putting it back around your neck. You look up and smile as you see the stars shining up there. In the city, you couldn't see the stars because of the many building in the capital..But here ? You feel free. You were maybe trapped in a pit, but you feel more free than you've ever been in the city. You start laughing to yourself and start dancing in the pit, unaware that you have some spectators.

" What is she doing ?!"

Chuck asks Thomas, confused. But Thomas is as confused as him, while Newt can't help but laugh a little beside them. They both look at him with widened eyes and Newt finally answers with a small smile.

" Isn't it obvious ? She's dancing."

[twinkleallnight]

A Twisted Tale

Chapter 2

Book: The Royal Romance AU

Word count: 2334

Characters: Liam, Drake, Riley, Olivia.

Disclaimer: All characters belong to pixelberry.

Rating: Mature

Warning: mention of death.

A/N: I m We are participating in @wackydrabbles prompt: "That makes my {body part} tingle." that appears in bold.

Catch up here

An AU of The Royal Romance paving it's way through mixed emotions of wants, needs and desires, of revenge and regrets, of trust, faith and hope.

A joint venture brought to you with love by @twinkleallnight and @annekebbphotography

Liam’s POV

Riley looks at me with concern and all I can do is shake my head, I didn’t want to get into it right now. All I wanted to do was talk to Olivia and she didn’t even give me a chance to say anything, just assumed she knew what I was doing.

“Are you ready to go?” I ask as we walk towards the jet.

Riley beams at me, I have never seen blue eyes sparkle like that. “More than ready. I am so excited.” She giggles as she walks towards the steps. I let her go first and damn, she is making it hard for me. She’s wearing a tight blue jean with a pink flowing shirt, but her ass is on display as she climbs the steps of the jet. I know it’s wrong, I am in love with someone else, but damn she’s beautiful and can I mention that she is making my pants pretty uncomfortable.

I shake my head to get the thoughts out of my mind, I need to focus. All I need is to get back to Cordonia and see Olivia. Then all of this will be over and I will be back to normal. Riley will only be working for me and probably become my friend.

The flight back to Cordonia is spent with me explaining to Riley how things work in Cordonia. I tell her about the ins and outs of the royal council and how to address each of the court members. She impressed me with knowing most of the things I was teaching her. I believe that she will do well in the Palace. She will obviously be my right hand, and she will have to attend functions and meetings with me, until I finally find my Queen. No wait, scratch that. Until I get married to my Queen. I just need her to fall in love with me.

The pilot lets us know that we will be landing. “Look out of the window.” I motion to the window next to Riley and I can’t help admire the happiness and excitement on her face.

“Wow, It’s really something else.” She says, a little too excited.

*****************

After getting checked by security and getting the all clear, Riley and I make our way to the palace. Seeing the excitement in Riley’s eyes makes me see the place and the country in a different light. I have been here all my life and love my country, but I think I might have taken it for granted.

“Is this where I will be staying?” She points to the palace and I can’t help but smile.

“Yes, you will have your own room. Normally we will put you in the guest rooms, but I want you close to my wing. You will not be alone. My best friend, Drake Walker also stays in the wing you will be staying in.” I nod to Bastien as he pulls up in front of the palace.

“I can’t wait to start work. It might be weird, but I want to learn as much as possible.”

Bastien opens my door before I could say anything else. As I get out I see Olivia coming down the front step of the Palace. This is even more bad timing.

Olivia crosses the distance between us in a few swift steps. She curtsies in front of me dramatically, "Welcome back home, your majesty." I can feel the bite in her tone.

"It's good to be back Duchess." I smirk, as I take her hand and kiss the back of it. My eyes never leave hers. That is until she breaks my gaze and looks over my shoulder. I turn around to see that Riley has just stepped out of the car.

"Since when did you start bringing your dinner home?" I don't know if it's her regular snarky comment or is she jealous.

"Since it's too good to leave behind!" I say with a grin on my face. Lets see how far this can go.

She sneers at me and almost looks like she is going to attack me when Bastien interferes. "Can we take this inside, Duchess."

Olivia glares at Bastien. She turns around and storms back inside without saying anything.

I turn towards Riley. She is a bit flabbergasted at what just happened. "That's Duchess Olivia Nevrakis of Lythikos for you." I offer her my arm. "Shall I show you to your room." She links her arm with mine and I can't help but smile at the jolt of electricity I feel when she touches me. Her cheeks turn a soft pink when her hand touches my arm.

As I am walking her in, I pass through the corridors and see Olivia sneaking into my study. I am a little nervous now thinking of what lies ahead. Upsetting the woman I love is not my style.

I try to be quick with Riley hoping she doesn't catch the hints of my nervousness.

"Please make yourself at home. Bastien here can help you if you need anything. I have some pending office work to complete. We can start with your job profile tomorrow."

Having said that, I quickly turn on my heels and stride down to my study. I enter and see Olivia standing with a wine glass. Her devilish smile welcomes me in. "Dinner was not to your taste? You left the party so soon?"

"I have my dinner preparing for me. I plan to make it breakfast and lunch as well. Maybe a reading snack in the library could work for me." I know I am digging my own grave. But I love bickering with her.

"Cut it out Liam." She snarls at me. "We both know your appetite well."

"Then don't make assumptions, when you do not know the whole story." I walk over to my desk and take a seat. "Now, we have matters to discuss. Please take a seat" I motion to the seat in front of my desk.

With a huff and a puff, Olivia gives in and sits in the chair across my table. I can still feel her restlessness. When she cannot contain it anymore she finally asks. "Who is she?"

I smirk as I lean back into my chair resting my hands behind my back. "She is my new personal assistant. We will be working closely together." I throw it out there. I need a sign that this is affecting her.

"Okay. Just a personal assistant." She reverberates. She fans it out, sipping her wine. As the warm liquid passes down her throat she relaxes. "What did you want to discuss?"

"I wanted to see how you were doing. Also I would like you to take Riley shopping. She would need appropriate clothes to wear to the office."

Not that I mind the clothes she's wearing, but selfishly I don't want the other men to look at her like that.

"If you are forgetting, I am a Duchess. Not staff at your palace. Why would I spend my precious time on a girl you randomly picked up from the streets of America. I give a damn at how she dresses. That's her problem if she doesn't have the basic training or dressing sense."

She then adds. "Ask Drake to do that. He knows better how to deal with Street hawkers, from where he comes."

"She is not just some random girl. I am asking you, because I want you to give her a chance. She's best qualified for this job. If you don't want to do it, I will do it myself. I don't mind spending time with her."

"For god's sake Liam! What's wrong with you? You are a king, not a teenage boy following a girl, holding her bags. You won't go shopping with her." She orders with authority. She loves me. She won't say it but she does. She tries to show she owns me. That makes my heart tingle. How can I resist her? I don't want to. I want to hold her tight at this moment and tell her how much I love her and I will do as she demands. But I resist the urge and continue defending my case.

"It is because I am the king that I can do this. I asked you and you said no, so now I will take her. Isn't that what you wanted. To have someone else take her?" I raise my brow at Olivia. I will get her to love me or at least admit that she loves me.

" I want someone else to take her because I want you to be with me at Lythikos. I have some things to discuss for the duchy."

It is not easy to bend her. She has her ways. She again found a reason to ignore my advances.

" Okay. I will come with you." I get up and move across the table. I take her hand in my hand. Her skin is soft against my touch. " If you promise that we will have dinner after work."

Her green eyes pierce at me.

"Fine." She says and slips out her hand to stand straight. "See you in an hour. You can accompany me on the drive to Lythikos."

She walks down to the door and turns before leaving. " I will ask Drake to help your damsel in distress"

"NO..." I stop and take a deep breath. "Fine, ask Drake to go with her."

***********

Olivia's POV

I walk out of Liam's study with a staid mind. This was not how I had expected things to progress. I have already started hating this American girl. I shake my head to clear my thoughts and start walking to the stables in search of Drake. He spots me first.

"Hey red hood!" He calls out from the booth where he is tending a horse.

"Hi Wolfie." I walk over to him.

"What's up?"

"Job for you." I wait to gain his full attention.

" At your service madam. Name it." He washes his hands and carelessly rubs them over his apron. He discards the apron to show off his chiselled chest. He has a habit of being ruthless about how his supermodel body has an effect on anyone around him. He pulls in a white cotton shirt but doesn't bother buttoning it up, leaving his rippled abdomen open for view. Had he not been a commoner, I would have let my fingers roam over his rugged body. I'm lost in drooling over his killer looks when, as if he has read my mind, he speaks.

"You were 25 inches up."

I turn pink on that comment and take my eyes off from his abs, 25inches up, to his brown eyes. I clear my throat.

"Liam has got some American girl with him. Says she is going to be his personal assistant and want you to take her shopping for her formal wear."

"And why would he send the message through none other than the Duchess?"

"Because I suggested it. He wanted me to do that, but I have some work at the duchy, and I am taking Liam along. That leaves only you available."

" So, you are trying to whisk away the king from the girl."

"No, I am not." I say firmly.

Drake ignores my comment and continues," But if she is going to be his personal assistant, you may have to up your game."

"There is no game being played here. Just do the damn shopping with her." My voice raises in frustration.

"Okay, okay. Will do it."

" Bastein will take you to her. See ya later." Before he can throw more questions, I spin and walk away.

After an hour, I am travelling alone in my car. Liam excused himself for some security check reasons, saying he will be there in another hour. I know he is taking his time luring his new found fascination in that girl. I feel my blood boiling at the thought of them together. I make a few necessary calls and wait for the road to end.

Seething in the same anger I stomp through the Chateau to my room. When I am inside I find aunt Lucretia waiting there for me.

She welcomes me with her crooked smile. "So how is my favourite niece doing?"

"Your only niece." I throw my purse callously on the bed and sprawl on it. I am staring at the ceiling trying to assess the situation.

She sits at the edge of the bed and moves her fingers lovingly through my loose hair.

"What is troubling you my darling?"

"I think I stretched it a bit too long."

"Stretched what?"

"Ignoring Liam's feelings. Now he seems to have got some seductress from his UN conference and is following her like a puppy all around."

"Oh dear, these girls come and go in the lives of nobles. Let him loiter around. He is a king and when it comes to choosing a queen, he will not look for some common girl. He will only have his eyes for you."

"I don't want to take this lightly." I prop up on the bed. "He is coming to Lythikos. He insisted on a dinner date with me. I am going for it."

"I think you are overreacting."

" Aunt Lucretia, I had that guy entwined around my little finger all these years. And today he got the guts to get some commoner and throw her into my face? I am no longer leaving it for chance. I am going to make him bend on his knees, and when he does that, I am going to gladly accept it."

I get back on my toes and proudly announce. "Once I become the queen of Cordonia, I will take the reins in my hands. The Nevrakis blood will rule Cordonia. The dream my parents had, will come true. And so will my revenge for their death!"

Tags: @ao719 @anjanettexcordonia @bascmve01 @bebepac @charlotteg234 @choicesficwriterscreations @cordonia-gothqueen @drakewalker04 @eadanga @gkittylove99 @glaimtruelovealways @krsnlove @hopefulmoonobject @hopelessromanticmonie @iam-the-kind-and-thoughtful @idontknowwhysblog @indiacater @jessiembruno @jovialyouthmusic @jaxsmutsuo @kat-tia801 @kingliam2019 @khoicesbyk @shewillreadyou @lisha1valecha @lovablegranny @mrswalkers-blog @mom2000aggie @neotericthemis @no-one-u-know @ntoraplayschoices @princessleac1 @ritachacha @secretaryunpaid @sirbeepsalot @speedyoperarascalparty @shanzay44 @texaskitten30 @txemrn @queenrileyrose @briefdreamlanddream @sfb123 @sweatyrysconnoisseur @theroyalheirshadowhunter @aestheticartsx @yourmajesty09 @fluffy-marshmallow-heart @drakewalkerfantasy @els31 @rainbowsinthestorm @darley1101 @the-soot-sprite @ladyangel70 @rafasgirl23415 @anotherbeingsworld @callmeellabella @msjr0119 @walker7519 @ofpixelsandscribbles @cocomaxley @lodberg @jared2612 @gnatbrain @cmestrella @queenjilian @iaminlovewithtrr @marshmallowsaremyfavorite

[hoaxsen]

| angst has been coming to me easy now and idk how to feel about that.

| tw; character death, in depth talk of death, mentions of blood and other gruesome parts, season three spoilers.

| word count; 1.8k.

It was all over, spreading like a plague inside the walls upon their arrival. The victory of Wall Maria, along with the near extinction of the Scouts. How many supplies were lost during it? How much destruction was there while it all went down? Does anyone have a true number on how many bodies were being carried back on those flatbed carts after that expedition? 

They were mostly parts of bloodied and mangled things, some weren't even able to be called a body. More like a massive piles of mixed dirt, debris and whatever part of the human body there could be. One hundred and ninety nine people, turned into one enormous jigsaw puzzle that anyone has ever seen. How many carts were used for that, and which cart did this specific body rest upon? 

This body held the features of bright blue eyes, that the captain of the Scouts could sometimes find himself staring into for hours on end. Unknowingly at that. Blonde hair just swept back and kept so neat with its undercut. Sometimes Levi wonders if it was soft to the touch, it doesn't look to be hard, or dirty. Just right, minus those brows. If anything there were times where Levi wanted to trim the blonde bricks of hair off Erwin's face himself. 

Now, days like that will never come. For the sole purpose, of Erwin Smith being deceased. Giving his life up to his stupid cause and dream, this isn't what Levi meant by plundering your dream and lead those crying brats to hell. Was it selfish of him to think that Erwin might come back alive for him? It was, wasn't it? The man having to live through this shit as the leader, making gambles that no one knew how the hell they paid off. Let's not forget about the cadets and soldiers lost along the way in his gambles. A devil among men, though it was Levi wanting to be the one to raise hell right now. Bring a darker hell to the one on this very Earth for the fact that he chose to revive Armin instead of Humanity's Hope. 

Cold, and hardened steel grey hues watched as his body was pulled away, riding alongside on his own horse with this cart. Levi felt only himself at fault, what if he did revive Erwin? Despite the small specks of rocks, falling out and shredded intestines, and lack of life in the blonde's eyes, how would he look taking on the power of the colossal titan? Would he have looked the same as the treacherous Bertholdt, or better? If anything, he'd be alive right now. . .fighting a war once more in this hell. Yes, it was selfish, but Levi Ackerman had his reasons to be selfish in a time like this. Bringing back Erwin instead of Armin wasn't just going to be for humanity, it was also going to be for his own desires. To stop toying with the feelings the ravenette has for the blonde, to stop the daily lies about his ' small crush ' being just a phase. 

The captain never even got to make good on his promise before the commander passed. Wanting so hard and bad to end the Beast Titan, to make him feel the pain Erwin did before his final moments. Hopefully that chance comes back for him some other time. How badly Levi needs it, it'd only be fitting since Erwin gave up his dream for the wall retake to even have happened and succeed. 

For all Levi could do now, was regret and hope that Erwin's funeral would bring him into a small state of piece. Since the ex-commander was already in a permanent state of his own, never to be disturbed. The Ackerman slowly starts to wonder to himself, which kind of suit would really bring out a dead man's eyes? For blue, it had to be a subtle white, right? An ashen grey? Whatever color it was going to be, Levi knew he'd detest it. Knowing it'll be the final suit he sees Erwin in. 

Fast forward a bit to the lowering of the old Scouts' commander into the ground, Levi stayed behind a little ways after the ceremony. Standing before Erwin's grave, a short sigh leaving him as he placed a hand on Erwin's tombstone. 

Erwin Smith 

xxxx - xxxx 

Humanity's Beacon of Hope.

The words Levi read over, and over, and over again. Humanity's Hope, snuffed out a little ways too soon. Levi just had to wake up and face the music, it was bound to happen one day or another. He just wishes that day came a little later than this. Brushing his hand over the words, better now to say this before he keeps it inside for too long. He already regrets not saying this to him when he was alive. 

" How many of these have we attended for our fallen? Now look at you, dumbass. Right there with them, tell Petra I said hi when you see her. " 

His last chance to say this all know, because whatever God out there knows that Levi wouldn't visit Erwin's grave again after this. For the small grudge he'd hold against himself for using the syringe on Armin. 

" I followed you into the fire, made it out with a few scrapes. Though you were burned, still had the guts to carry on more bravely than me. . .even make a choice with that odd line. ' What if there is humanity outside the walls. ' Or some shit like that, and then I realized, and knew. . .that was how you were plundering your dreams and leading those crying brats to hell. " 

Unbeknownst to the captain, he wasn't alone. Just standing from afar, was another grieving heart. Armin Artlet, another soul wanting to say an unspoken peace to their old commander. But ended up seeing Levi there before him. 

" It's not fair you know, Erwin. Or that just might be me being selfish right now, yeah sounds like it. A biased opinion, since I fucking loved you and didn't have the guts to say it. Wanna know why? Cause I'm a coward. Since people I love keep leaving me in ways like this, death. Am I that detestable that death is the only way out? Gotta be, shitty way to go if you ask me, but probably your only way. Call it a curse, I guess. Sadly shit like this happens in the fucked world. I didn't even want to use it on Artlet, but you made your choice. So I had to make mine, fucking bastard. " 

Now that was a surprise to the little eavesdropper in the back, covering his mouth with his hand to not make a sound. Azure eyes bugging out of his head as the captain droned on. Armin himself wasn't even sure why he was saved, wouldn't Erwin have been a better pick? The power of the titan wasted on him, that's how it sounded. On the bright side, the colossal titan was in their arsenal with Eren's titan. Just with the wrong user in Artlet's mind. 

" It's not fair, you asshole. You get your peace, and leave me behind in this hell with a bunch of brats! Yes, they can pull their own weight. But you're not leading them anymore, instead it's gonna be someone else who can't live up to your name. All because I got emotional and saved that runt, when I knew, even with Hanji, that you were the better pick! A massive fuck up on my end, but then a small lived victory right? We have another titan ready to fight for us when needed. But I want you here! It's not fair, you trusted me to do the right thing with that weird liquid, and I don't know if I did! I promised myself that I'd follow you wherever, why did you have to go somewhere I can't go yet?! You and your stupid gambles, well make one with the devil down there and win, come back goddamn it! " 

At this point, Levi was screaming to a grave on the verge of tears. From standing to dropping on his knees, the turned up dirt from a freshly dug hole in the ground was staining his pants. Giving him the feelings of touching the underground floors, though this time he didn't care. Fighting back an attack of tears, his hands digging into the soil and gripping it. Dirt being trapped in his fingernails, a fierce look on his face with a few stray falling tears from his eyes. 

" I promise you, I'll make that sonva bitch pay. Along with aiding in to see that your final goal, your final dream is fulfilled. Even if I have to  die to make that happen. " 

It was a footstep, and the use of sharp senses that brought Levi out of his moment. Spinning around quick as could be, just to be met with a crying, tear stained face of one of his cadets. This was Levi's moment of vulnerability, being seen by Armin as if privacy wasn't a thing. Though now, the man couldn't hold it against the boy, dusting off himself to be free of the dirt and grime. Levi sent Armin a small glare, no words have been spoken yet, and not one really knew what to say. 

" Captain . . . I'm sorry, but you should have us--. " 

" Can it brat, I dunno how much you heard, and I hate repeating myself. But I'll make an exception, Erwin made his choice. I acted on it, now you might have to step up to bat. " 

Levi's words drew a small gasp from Armin, making him want to roll his eyes. 

" No one can live up to be Erwin, but I trust that you know what you're doing. Don't make me regret saving you now. " 

" Y-Yes sir! But can I ask a question? " 

That made a brow raise on Levi's face, a sign for Armin to carry on with what he was saying. The boy had to take a deep breath to even get the first word out. It almost made Levi scoff at a time like this. 

" Y-You l-love Commander Erwin, sir? Is-Is that true? " 

The stuttering fool really had the balls to ask. The captain almost looked impressed, but at the same time angered somewhat. 

" Yeah, I loved him, Artlet. A main factor playing on in why I wanted to use the syringe on him. But something happened during it, like I said. Don't make me regret it. " 

All he got was a frantic nod from the other blonde, even a salute for some reason. Levi responded with his own nod back, figuring now that his time alone with Erwin was up. Looking behind him at that grave, he sighed, his eyes narrowing somewhat. 

' Don't worry, Erwin. You won't be along for long, I said I'd follow you right? Into that same fire I'll soon be going. ' 

He whispered out, making his way to leave now. Going as far as to pat a startled Armin on the shoulder. His own line echoing inside his head to help cope with this, just tweaked a bit this time. 

' Plunder all your dreams, and lead those crying brats to victory. In his name. ' 

[orangejuice333]

Ok so this is the dream, little cameos, I'd really like to make a short film based on it but yeah I don't have the experience, abilities or resources to make it real so...

Also in the end it’s sort of weird, and I wrote it terribly, anyways I enjoyed being in that dream(?) I was totally conscious of myself and my surroundings but it wasn't a lucid dream.

I arrive to a shack in the middle of a snowy forest.

There's some singer I know and a little kid from school, beside a bunch of people who seem to be on-ice performers (dancers mostly, but also singers and actors).They send the singer and I to a changing cubicle, one in each chamber, there's a little kid playing with the curtain and I can't get into the suit a girl gave me minutes before until the kid goes away, luckily, her sister drags her away.

After a few seconds I see this dude called Chris and he helps me get rid off my sleeves, he smiles and seem to be a happy professional performer, he only wears an unbuttoned white shirt and tight black leather pants, he helps me with my clothes, he's kind and his eyes have this warmth I truly get trapped in for a minute, then I get back to the first room, full of busy dressing and undressing performers, in the middle you can find a big table with some divisions, these have shirts, tops, ice skates, skirts, pants, accessories of all kind. Right in front of it there is a big closet-organizer, it covers the whole wall and you can see dancers climbing to reach stuff from the highest shelves. You could easily recognize me there, a clueless girl, dragged inside, I was told it would be nice to be a singer and dancer.

I spent a while looking for something to wear while everyone else is quick and sure of themselves, in a moment some red haired dude with a horse came in the shack with his horse, he tells us to say hi to the horse, its lips and nose were so cold, I get nervous but I caress the animal's face anyways, the red haired guy smiles and seems very kind, he leaves and I'm still talking with some girls while trying different robes, whilst someone who I think was the owner or boss of the whole place gets in the room and every girl in there gets all nervous, laughing and whispering about how handsome and powerful he is, they run to him while he purrs some praises and hurries to them, after everyone calmed down, I climbed the big shelf with the typical popular girl, the one who's confident amazing at what she does, and we look for more accessories, at that same moment some important people (two men and a woman) enter the room and talk to the boss/owner, right then I remember I'm only wearing a short skirt with little panties underneath, and as I'm high on the shelf, anyone could see my underwear. The tall man then approaches me and says he noticed I’m new there, also he tells me to pick something quick for my first performance, then I get close to his face but he turns away, and I wake up.

[blue-ultramarine]

hi, you're on a rock floating in space. pretty cool, huh? some of it's water. fuck it. actually, most of it's water. i can't even get from here to there without buying a boat. it's sad. i'm sad. i miss you. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? a long time ago... actually, never. and also now. nothing is nowhere. when? never. makes sense, right? like i said, it didn't happen. nothing was never anywhere. that's why it's been everywhere. it's been so "everywhere," you don't need a "where." you don't even need a "when." that's how "every" it gets. forget this. i wanna be something. go somewhere. do something. i want things to change. i want to invent time and space. and i know it's possible because everything is here, and it probably already happened. i just don't know when to start. and that's exactly where it started. big bang— pause woah. i paused it. i think there's a universe now. what's it made of? quarks and stuff. ah, that's a thing! in a place! don't like it? try a new place, at a different Time™. try to stick together, because the world is gonna get bigger and emptier. but it's not empty yet! it's still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees. about no seconds later great news! the quarks are now happily married in groups of three, called a "proton" and a "neutron." and there's something else flying around that wants to join in, but can't cause it's too HOT. ten minutes later great news! the protons and neutrons are now happily married to each other! some of them even doubled up. about 380,000 years later great news! the electrons have now joined in. congratulations! the world is now... a bunch of gas in space. but it's getting closer together... ten million years later and it's getting closer together... 500 million years later and it's getting closer togeth—star is born it's a star new shit just got made! some stars burn out and die. bigger stars burn out and die with passion! and make some brand new way crazier shit. space dust! which allows for newer and more interesting stars to be made, and then die and explode into even crazier space dust! so now, stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things. like this ball of flaming rocks, for example. meteor hits earth holy shit, we just got hit by another ball of flaming rocks. and it kind of... made a mess. which is now the moon weather update: it's raining rocks from outer space. weather update: those rocks might've had water inside of them and now there's hot steam in the sky. weather update: cooler temperatures today and the floor is no longer lava. weather update... it's raining. severe flooding alert, the entire world is now an ocean. volcano alert. that's land! there'slifeintheocean what? something's alive in the ocean oh, cool. like a plant, or an animal? no! a microscopic speck. it lives in the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup, which is being served hot and fresh, made from gnarly space ingredients left over from when it was raining rocks or whatever. microscopic speck asexually reproduces oh yeah, and it can do that. reproduces three more times it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself. so that's pretty nifty, i would say. tired of living at the bottom of the ocean? now you can eat sunlight! using a revolutionary technique, you can convert sunlight into food. taste the sun! side effect, now there's oxygen everywhere and the sky is blue. then the earth might've been a snowball for a while. maybe even a couple of times. it's a sponge... it's a plant... it's a worm, and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish. it's the Cambrian explosion: "wow, that's animals and stuff" but we're still in the ocean. hey, can we go on land? NO why? the sun is a deadly laser oh okay. not anymore, there's a blanket now the animals can go on land. come on, animals, let's go on land! "nope, can't walk yet." "and there's no food yet, so i don't care." 100 million years later okay, will you learn to walk if there's plants up here? "maybe," said some bugs. and fish. fish gasps for air five million years later okay, so i can go on land, but i have to go back in the water to have babies! idea: learn to use an egg. "i was already doing that" use a stronger egg. put water in it. have a baby, on land, in an egg. water is in the egg. baby, in the egg, in the water, in the egg. works for me. bye bye ocean 50 million years later and now everything's huge. including bugs. wanna see a map of the land? sure. Permian extinction oh, fuck, now everything's dead. just kidding, here are the survivors. keep your eye on this one, because it's about to become 75 million years later the dinosaurs. here's another map of the land. yeah, it broke apart. don't worry about it, it does that all the time. here comes a meteor. meteor strikes and the dinosaurs are gone it's mammal time, here come the mammals. look at those breasts. now they're gonna dominate the world, but one of them just learned how to grab stuff. and walk. no, like, walk like that. and grab stuff at the same time. and bang rocks together to make pointed rocks. "ouch" and set things on fire. "yeouch" and make crazy sounds with their voice: "gneurshk" which can mean different things. that's a human person! and now they're everywhere. almost. ice age! what? you can walk over here? cool. not anymore well i guess we're stuck here now. let's review: there's people on the planet. and they're chasing their food. fuck it. time to plant some grass. look at this. i get to control the food now. now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. let's all build houses, except mine is bigger because i own the food. this is great! i wonder if anyone else is doing this. tired of using rocks for everything? use metal. it's underground. better farming was just invented in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers, and the animals are helping. guess what happens next? more food. and more people, who came to buy the food. now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales. and now you need houses for people to live in and people to make the houses and now there's more people and they invent things which makes things better and more people come and there's more farming and more people to make more things for more people and now there's business, money, writing, laws, power, Society coming soon to a dank river valley near you. meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed. why is all my metal so lame and lumpy? tired of using lame, sad metal? introducing: bronze. made from special ingredient tin from the far lands of Tin Land. i dunno, my dealer won't tell me where he gets it. also, guess what? egypt meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. now we're getting somewhere. also, china and did i mention indus river valley civilization society count: 5 ... norte chico the middle east is getting more complicated. maybe because it's in the middle of the east. knock knock, er, clop clop. it's the... people with the horses? and they made an empire. and then everyone else copied their horses. greeks! ah look, it must be the greeks! er, a beta version of the greeks. let's check in with the indus river valley civilization: they're gone. guess who's not gone? china. new arrivals from india... maybe it's those horse people i was talking about... or their cousins or something... and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff... you could make a religion out of this. there's the bronze age collapse. now the phoenicians can get down to business also, can we switch to a metal that's a little easier to find? thanks. look who came back to israel, it's the twelve tribes of israel. and they believe in God just one though, and he's got like a ten-step program. here's some huge heads. must be the olmecs. the phoenicians make some colonies. the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies. the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies. here comes the assyrian empire. never mind, it's the babyloni— media—it's the Persian Empire: "wow, that's big" enlightenment ah, the buddha was just enlightened. who's the buddha? this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we're all dying. you could make a religion out of this. oops, china just broke. but while it was breaking, confucius was figuring out how to have good morals. enlightenment ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff. and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire. it's a great idea. he was... great. and now he's dead. hopefully, the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them. knock knock, it's chandragupta. he says "get the hell out of here. will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants? okay, thanks, bye" time to conquer all of india er most of india but what about this part? that's the tamil kings. no one conquers the tamil kings. who are the tamil kings? merchants, probably. and they've got spices! who would like to buy the spices? "me!" said the arabians, swiftly buying it and selling it to the rest of the world. hey, china put itself back together again, with good morals as their main philosophy. actually, they have three main philosophies: confucianism: have good morals taoism: go with the flow legalism: fuck you, obey the law out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city. nomads ransack china let's check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms: greekification overload. bye, said the parthians. bye, said the jews. hi, said the parthians, taking over the entire place. heyyyyy, said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast. "thanks for invading our homeland," said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland. "hi, everything's great," said some guy who seems to be getting very popular and is then arrested and killed for being too popular, which actually makes him more popular. you could make a religion out of this. want silk? now you can buy it from china. they just made a brand new road to the world. conquers vietnam or you can get there on water "sick! new trade routes!" said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast. hmm, that's a good place for an epic trading kingdom. there goes buddhism, travelling up the silk road. i wonder if it'll reach china before it collapses again. remember the persian empire? yep, said the persians, making a new one. axum is getting so powerful, they would like to build a long stick. has anyone populated madagascar yet? let's do it together. china is whole again... ...then it broke again still can't cross the sahara desert? try camels. "hell yeah! now we've got business," said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold. and slaves. "hi, i'm a member of the roman empire, and i was wondering is loving jesus legal yet?" "no" "actually, okay sure," said constantine, moving the capital way over here to be closer to his main rival. don't worry about rome, it won't fall. it's the golden age of india there's the gupta empire, not chandragupta, just gupta. first name chandra. the first. guess who's in rome? barbarians. what's a barbarian? "non-romans," said the romans, being invaded by non-romans. r.i.p. roman empire. actually just half of it, the other half is just fine, but it's not in rome anymore, so let's give it a new name. the mayans have figured out the stars oh, and here's a huge city, population: everyone. the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe. great job, göktürks. how's india? broken. how's china? back together. how's those trading kingdoms? bigger, and there's more of them. korea has three kingdoms. japan has a kingdom, it's the sunrise kingdom. intermission deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammad's ear. so, he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods and he tells them their gods are all fake. and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. you could make a religion out of this, and maybe conquer the world as well. the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope. plus, there's new kingdoms all over europe. i wonder if there's room for moors. here's all the wisdom. in a house. it's the baghdad house of wisdom! just in time for the islamic golden age! "let's bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast," said the swahili on the swahili coast. remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there? someone owns that now. wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere? the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas. "surprise! you're the new roman emporer!" said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire. then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not-france. the northerners, er, just "norse" if you don't have much time, are exploring. they go north, from the north to the northern north. and they find some land— two types of land!— and they name them accordingly. prankd they also invade some other places and get called many names, such as "vikings." there's the rus! the kievan rus! are they vikings? "i don't think so," said the kievan rus. okay, fair enough. the pope is ready to make some more emperors of the roman empire. the holy roman empire! it's actually germany, but don't worry about it. new kingdoms—CRISTIANIZE ALL THE KINGDOMS!! which brand would you like? "mine's better" "mine's better" "mine's better" "time to conquer england," said william. it's a bird! it's a plane! it's the seljuk turks! "aah!" said the byzantine empire, who's getting so small and almost doesn't exist anymore. "we need help!" they need help! so they call the pope. "hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks? maybe take back the holy land on the way? come on, i know you want to take back the holy land." "yes, i do actually want to do that. let's do a crusade." crusade! they did many crusades. some of which almost didn't fail. but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals. goodbye mayans. hello toltecs! goodbye toltecs. hello mississippi! look at those mounds. there's the pueblo. i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff. guess who's here? khmer. where? here! and pagan is there. vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government. china just invented bombs, and typing. and the mongols just invaded most of the universe. nice going, genghis! i bet that will last a long time. some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india. is it tonga time? i think it's tonga time. i just figured out where the swahili gets all of their gold. look at this chad! it means "lake." there's an empire there! right in the middle of africa! the king of mali is so rich, he's going on tour to let everyone know. "wow, that guy's rich," everyone said. the christians are doing a great job reconquering iberia, which will soon be called spain and not-spain. please remain christian. we will check in later to see if you're still christian when you least expect. whoops, half of europe just died. ming! china's back, yay! hey, khmer. time to share. new kingdoms, here and there. oh, look who controls all of the islands. it's the mahajapit. majahapit. mapajahit. mahapajit. mapajahit. ma-ja-pa-hit? oh, italy's real rich. time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics. it's kinda like a rebirth. here's a printer. let's make books! so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire? yep, said the ottoman turks. nice job, ottoman turks. oops, you missed a spot. don't forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade. "what? that's bullshit," said portugal, spiceless. "well i guess we'll have to find another way to india" "wait!" said christopher columbus, probably smoking crack. "if the world is round, let's go this way to india." "nah, don't worry, we already got this," said portugal. so chris goes to spain. "hey spain, wanna hire me to find india by going around back of the world?" "no" "please?" "no" "please?" "wtf" "no" "please?" "...okay" so he sails into the ocean, and discovers... more ocean. and then discovers the indies, and japan! let's draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world. the aztec and the inca empires are off to a great start. i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent. the hapsburgs are marrying into so many royal families, they might have to start marrying each other. move over, lithuania, here comes moscow. ivan wants to make russia great again. move over, timurids, maybe go invade india or something. persia just made persia persian again. let's make it the other kind of islam. the one where we thought the first guy should've been the other guy. hey, christians! do you sin? now you can buy your way out of hell! "that's bullshit. this whole thing is bullshit. that's a scam. fuck the church. here's 95 reasons why," said martin luther, in his new book which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation. "you know what would be magnificent?" said suleiman wearing an onion hat. "what if the ottoman empire was... really big?" which it is now. "what if russia was big?" said ivan, trying not to be terrible. portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade. and then that dream was real. and spain realized that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway. "damn," said england and france. "we gotta start pillaging some stuff." then the dutch revolt, and all the hipsters moved to amsterdam. "damn," said amsterdam. "we gotta start pillaging some stuff." question one: can you get to india from north america? no, but at least there's beaver. question two: steal the spice trade. that's not a question, but the dutch did it anyway. and sugar... guess where all of the sugar is made? in brazil! stolen! in the caribbean! and it's so goddamn profitable, you might forget to not do slavery. the next thing on russia's to-do list is to get bigger. britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world. more specifically, ohio. then it escalates into a seven-year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who's boss. but what about britain and france, did they figure out who's boss? yes they did! it's britain. guess who's broke? also britain! so they start taxing the hell out of america. "fuck you!" says america, declaring their independence and fighting for it, and france helps them win. now france is broke, and britain will have to send their prisoners to a different continent. wait, if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses? "let's overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off!" said robespierre, cutting everybody's heads off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off. you could make a rel— no, don't. haiti is starting to like the idea of a revolution, especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters. "why didn't we think of this before?" wait, who's in charge of france now? "me," said napoleon, trying to take over europe. luckily, they banished him to an island. but he came back! luckily, they banished him to another island. there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin american wars of independence. britain just figured out how to turn steam into power, so now they can make many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast. then they invent some trains. and conquer india and maybe put some trains there. "hey, china!" said britain. "buy stuff from us!" "nah, dude, we already got everything," says china. so britain tried to get them addicted to opium, which worked, actually. but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea. so britain threw a hissy fit and made them open up five cities and give them an island. britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop the other person from conquering afghanistan. also, the sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now: "that's just where he lives." india just had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now. "nope," said britain, governing them even harder than before. incoming telegram: HI I JUST SENT YOU A MESSAGE THRU A WIRE technology is about to go crazy! the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad. it's bad, they decided, and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land and maybe kick out the mexicans too. "i know! let's rape africa!" said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest. they never got ethiopia... britain and france are still hungry. they never got thailand... the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they're looking for more: hawaii! cuba! wait, spain controls cuba. well, blame something on them and go to war! what should we blame on spain? u.s.s. maine sinks "let's blame the maine on spain." so they blame the maine on spain. now we're in business. to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans. britain just found oil in the middle east. it makes cars go... china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new, stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and is controlled by a guy from the previous government. europe hasn't had a war since the last war, so they start world war one. look at those guns! it's gonna be a great war, so great we won't need a second one. after it's over, they blame germany. russia went on strike, and the workers overthrew the government. now, everyone's paycheck is the same. communism in the soviet union... the arabs revolt and britain helps. now the ottoman empire is gone, so we can give the jewish people a place to live. hopefully the arabs won't mind. "let's cut the cake!" said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore-empire. except turkey! turkey makes a brand new turkey! and then the saudis conquer arabia. it just seemed like the right thing to do. phone rings hello? yes, it's the 1920's calling. let's get to a car and drive to a party and listen to jazz on the radio and go to the movies. the economy is great and it will probably be great forever. just kidding. germany's back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model, and he's mad at the jews for existing. japan is finally conquering the east, and they're so excited, they rape nanking way too hard. they should probably just deny it. hitler's out of control, so the international community tackles him and tries to explain to him why killing all of the jews is a bad idea. but he kills himself because they could explain it to him. that's world war two! bonus round! pacific showdown united states vs. japan FIGHT!! united states drops two extinction balls on japan FINISH HIM! let's unite all the nations and have some world peace! seems legit. "hi, im gandhi, and if britain doesn't get the hell out of india, i'm going to starve myself in public." britain leaves "wow, that worked?" bonus! now there's pakistan. actually two pakistans, one of them can be bangladesh later. the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land. "me!" they both said at the same time. let's divide up the lands so we're both happy. SIKE! they both get angrier! look out, china! there's a new china in china. what's on the menu? communism! no thanks, said the other china, escaping to an island. i wonder which one is the real china...? there's the korean war. korea versus korea! nobody wins, then its on pause forever. let's meet the sponsors. oh, it's the two global superpowers. they're having a friendly debate over which economic system is good and which one is an evil virus of satan. and they both have atom bombs. FIGHT!! wait, no, that would be the end of the world. let's just keep it cool and spy on each other instead. and make sure we have enough atom bombs. "i'll race you to space." united states plants a flag on the moon now let's make more countries fight themselves. europe is tired of pillaging other continents, and the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged. so here's a new map with new countries. now you can't tell who they're being pillaged by. the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad. they decided it's bad, and the world agrees. south africa might need another minute to think about it. let's check the world population! woah. okay. technology is better too, that might keep happening. the soviet union decides to relax a little, and accidentally falls apart. europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money. except britain, because they don't feel like it. let's check the mail... surprise! it's on the computer! whoops, someone just attacked america. i bet they'll remember that. phone call! surprise! it's in your pocket! wanna learn everything? surprise! it's on the computer! now your phone's a computer, which is in your pocket! whoops, the economy just crashed. don't worry, the big banks won't fail, because they're not supposed to. surprise!... flying robots. with bombs. wanna print a brain? some people have no friends. some people have no food. the globe is warming, and the ocean is full of plastic! "let's save the planet!" said everybody, not knowing how. "let's invent a thing inventor," said the thing inventor inventor after being invented by a thing inventor. that's pretty cool. by the way, where the hell are we? thanks for watching history i hope i mentioned everything

hi, you’re on a rock floating in space. pretty cool, huh? some of it’s water. fuck it. actually, most of it’s water. i can’t even get from here to there without buying a boat. it’s sad. i’m sad. i miss you. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? a long time ago… actually, never. and also now. nothing is nowhere. when? never. makes sense, right? like i said, it didn’t happen. nothing was never anywhere. that’s why it’s been everywhere. it’s been so “everywhere,” you don’t need a “where.” you don’t even need a “when.” that’s how “every” it gets. forget this. i wanna be something. go somewhere. do something. i want things to change. i want to invent time and space. and i know it’s possible because everything is here, and it probably already happened. i just don’t know when to start. and that’s exactly where it started. big bang— pause woah. i paused it. i think there’s a universe now. what’s it made of? quarks and stuff. ah, that’s a thing! in a place! don’t like it? try a new place, at a different Time™. try to stick together, because the world is gonna get bigger and emptier. but it’s not empty yet! it’s still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees. about no seconds later great news! the quarks are now happily married in groups of three, called a “proton” and a “neutron.” and there’s something else flying around that wants to join in, but can’t cause it’s too HOT. ten minutes later great news! the protons and neutrons are now happily married to each other! some of them even doubled up. about 380,000 years later great news! the electrons have now joined in. congratulations! the world is now… a bunch of gas in space. but it’s getting closer together… ten million years later and it’s getting closer together… 500 million years later and it’s getting closer togeth—star is born it’s a star new shit just got made! some stars burn out and die. bigger stars burn out and die with passion! and make some brand new way crazier shit. space dust! which allows for newer and more interesting stars to be made, and then die and explode into even crazier space dust! so now, stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things. like this ball of flaming rocks, for example. meteor hits earth holy shit, we just got hit by another ball of flaming rocks. and it kind of… made a mess. which is now the moon weather update: it’s raining rocks from outer space. weather update: those rocks might’ve had water inside of them and now there’s hot steam in the sky. weather update: cooler temperatures today and the floor is no longer lava. weather update… it’s raining. severe flooding alert, the entire world is now an ocean. volcano alert. that’s land! there'slifeintheocean what? something’s alive in the ocean oh, cool. like a plant, or an animal? no! a microscopic speck. it lives in the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup, which is being served hot and fresh, made from gnarly space ingredients left over from when it was raining rocks or whatever. microscopic speck asexually reproduces oh yeah, and it can do that. reproduces three more times it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself. so that’s pretty nifty, i would say. tired of living at the bottom of the ocean? now you can eat sunlight! using a revolutionary technique, you can convert sunlight into food. taste the sun! side effect, now there’s oxygen everywhere and the sky is blue. then the earth might’ve been a snowball for a while. maybe even a couple of times. it’s a sponge… it’s a plant… it’s a worm, and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish. it’s the Cambrian explosion: “wow, that’s animals and stuff” but we’re still in the ocean. hey, can we go on land? NO why? the sun is a deadly laser oh okay. not anymore, there’s a blanket now the animals can go on land. come on, animals, let’s go on land! “nope, can’t walk yet.” “and there’s no food yet, so i don’t care.” 100 million years later okay, will you learn to walk if there’s plants up here? “maybe,” said some bugs. and fish. fish gasps for air five million years later okay, so i can go on land, but i have to go back in the water to have babies! idea: learn to use an egg. “i was already doing that” use a stronger egg. put water in it. have a baby, on land, in an egg. water is in the egg. baby, in the egg, in the water, in the egg. works for me. bye bye ocean 50 million years later and now everything’s huge. including bugs. wanna see a map of the land? sure. Permian extinction oh, fuck, now everything’s dead. just kidding, here are the survivors. keep your eye on this one, because it’s about to become 75 million years later the dinosaurs. here’s another map of the land. yeah, it broke apart. don’t worry about it, it does that all the time. here comes a meteor. meteor strikes and the dinosaurs are gone it’s mammal time, here come the mammals. look at those breasts. now they’re gonna dominate the world, but one of them just learned how to grab stuff. and walk. no, like, walk like that. and grab stuff at the same time. and bang rocks together to make pointed rocks. “ouch” and set things on fire. “yeouch” and make crazy sounds with their voice: “gneurshk” which can mean different things. that’s a human person! and now they’re everywhere. almost. ice age! what? you can walk over here? cool. not anymore well i guess we’re stuck here now. let’s review: there’s people on the planet. and they’re chasing their food. fuck it. time to plant some grass. look at this. i get to control the food now. now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. let’s all build houses, except mine is bigger because i own the food. this is great! i wonder if anyone else is doing this. tired of using rocks for everything? use metal. it’s underground. better farming was just invented in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers, and the animals are helping. guess what happens next? more food. and more people, who came to buy the food. now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales. and now you need houses for people to live in and people to make the houses and now there’s more people and they invent things which makes things better and more people come and there’s more farming and more people to make more things for more people and now there’s business, money, writing, laws, power, Society coming soon to a dank river valley near you. meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed. why is all my metal so lame and lumpy? tired of using lame, sad metal? introducing: bronze. made from special ingredient tin from the far lands of Tin Land. i dunno, my dealer won’t tell me where he gets it. also, guess what? egypt meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. now we’re getting somewhere. also, china and did i mention indus river valley civilization society count: 5 … norte chico the middle east is getting more complicated. maybe because it’s in the middle of the east. knock knock, er, clop clop. it’s the… people with the horses? and they made an empire. and then everyone else copied their horses. greeks! ah look, it must be the greeks! er, a beta version of the greeks. let’s check in with the indus river valley civilization: they’re gone. guess who’s not gone? china. new arrivals from india… maybe it’s those horse people i was talking about… or their cousins or something… and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff… you could make a religion out of this. there’s the bronze age collapse. now the phoenicians can get down to business also, can we switch to a metal that’s a little easier to find? thanks. look who came back to israel, it’s the twelve tribes of israel. and they believe in God just one though, and he’s got like a ten-step program. here’s some huge heads. must be the olmecs. the phoenicians make some colonies. the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies. the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies. here comes the assyrian empire. never mind, it’s the babyloni— media—it’s the Persian Empire: “wow, that’s big” enlightenment ah, the buddha was just enlightened. who’s the buddha? this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we’re all dying. you could make a religion out of this. oops, china just broke. but while it was breaking, confucius was figuring out how to have good morals. enlightenment ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff. and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire. it’s a great idea. he was… great. and now he’s dead. hopefully, the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them. knock knock, it’s chandragupta. he says “get the hell out of here. will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants? okay, thanks, bye” time to conquer all of india er most of india but what about this part? that’s the tamil kings. no one conquers the tamil kings. who are the tamil kings? merchants, probably. and they’ve got spices! who would like to buy the spices? “me!” said the arabians, swiftly buying it and selling it to the rest of the world. hey, china put itself back together again, with good morals as their main philosophy. actually, they have three main philosophies: confucianism: have good morals taoism: go with the flow legalism: fuck you, obey the law out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city. nomads ransack china let’s check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms: greekification overload. bye, said the parthians. bye, said the jews. hi, said the parthians, taking over the entire place. heyyyyy, said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast. “thanks for invading our homeland,” said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland. “hi, everything’s great,” said some guy who seems to be getting very popular and is then arrested and killed for being too popular, which actually makes him more popular. you could make a religion out of this. want silk? now you can buy it from china. they just made a brand new road to the world. conquers vietnam or you can get there on water “sick! new trade routes!” said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast. hmm, that’s a good place for an epic trading kingdom. there goes buddhism, travelling up the silk road. i wonder if it’ll reach china before it collapses again. remember the persian empire? yep, said the persians, making a new one. axum is getting so powerful, they would like to build a long stick. has anyone populated madagascar yet? let’s do it together. china is whole again… …then it broke again still can’t cross the sahara desert? try camels. “hell yeah! now we’ve got business,” said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold. and slaves. “hi, i’m a member of the roman empire, and i was wondering is loving jesus legal yet?” “no” “actually, okay sure,” said constantine, moving the capital way over here to be closer to his main rival. don’t worry about rome, it won’t fall. it’s the golden age of india there’s the gupta empire, not chandragupta, just gupta. first name chandra. the first. guess who’s in rome? barbarians. what’s a barbarian? “non-romans,” said the romans, being invaded by non-romans. r.i.p. roman empire. actually just half of it, the other half is just fine, but it’s not in rome anymore, so let’s give it a new name. the mayans have figured out the stars oh, and here’s a huge city, population: everyone. the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe. great job, göktürks. how’s india? broken. how’s china? back together. how’s those trading kingdoms? bigger, and there’s more of them. korea has three kingdoms. japan has a kingdom, it’s the sunrise kingdom. intermission deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammad’s ear. so, he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods and he tells them their gods are all fake. and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. you could make a religion out of this, and maybe conquer the world as well. the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope. plus, there’s new kingdoms all over europe. i wonder if there’s room for moors. here’s all the wisdom. in a house. it’s the baghdad house of wisdom! just in time for the islamic golden age! “let’s bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast,” said the swahili on the swahili coast. remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there? someone owns that now. wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere? the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas. “surprise! you’re the new roman emporer!” said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire. then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not-france. the northerners, er, just “norse” if you don’t have much time, are exploring. they go north, from the north to the northern north. and they find some land— two types of land!— and they name them accordingly. prankd they also invade some other places and get called many names, such as “vikings.” there’s the rus! the kievan rus! are they vikings? “i don’t think so,” said the kievan rus. okay, fair enough. the pope is ready to make some more emperors of the roman empire. the holy roman empire! it’s actually germany, but don’t worry about it. new kingdoms—CRISTIANIZE ALL THE KINGDOMS!! which brand would you like? “mine’s better” “mine’s better” “mine’s better” “time to conquer england,” said william. it’s a bird! it’s a plane! it’s the seljuk turks! “aah!” said the byzantine empire, who’s getting so small and almost doesn’t exist anymore. “we need help!” they need help! so they call the pope. “hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks? maybe take back the holy land on the way? come on, i know you want to take back the holy land.” “yes, i do actually want to do that. let’s do a crusade.” crusade! they did many crusades. some of which almost didn’t fail. but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals. goodbye mayans. hello toltecs! goodbye toltecs. hello mississippi! look at those mounds. there’s the pueblo. i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff. guess who’s here? khmer. where? here! and pagan is there. vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government. china just invented bombs, and typing. and the mongols just invaded most of the universe. nice going, genghis! i bet that will last a long time. some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india. is it tonga time? i think it’s tonga time. i just figured out where the swahili gets all of their gold. look at this chad! it means “lake.” there’s an empire there! right in the middle of africa! the king of mali is so rich, he’s going on tour to let everyone know. “wow, that guy’s rich,” everyone said. the christians are doing a great job reconquering iberia, which will soon be called spain and not-spain. please remain christian. we will check in later to see if you’re still christian when you least expect. whoops, half of europe just died. ming! china’s back, yay! hey, khmer. time to share. new kingdoms, here and there. oh, look who controls all of the islands. it’s the mahajapit. majahapit. mapajahit. mahapajit. mapajahit. ma-ja-pa-hit? oh, italy’s real rich. time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics. it’s kinda like a rebirth. here’s a printer. let’s make books! so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire? yep, said the ottoman turks. nice job, ottoman turks. oops, you missed a spot. don’t forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade. “what? that’s bullshit,” said portugal, spiceless. “well i guess we’ll have to find another way to india” “wait!” said christopher columbus, probably smoking crack. “if the world is round, let’s go this way to india.” “nah, don’t worry, we already got this,” said portugal. so chris goes to spain. “hey spain, wanna hire me to find india by going around back of the world?” “no” “please?” “no” “please?” “wtf” “no” “please?” “…okay” so he sails into the ocean, and discovers… more ocean. and then discovers the indies, and japan! let’s draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world. the aztec and the inca empires are off to a great start. i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent. the hapsburgs are marrying into so many royal families, they might have to start marrying each other. move over, lithuania, here comes moscow. ivan wants to make russia great again. move over, timurids, maybe go invade india or something. persia just made persia persian again. let’s make it the other kind of islam. the one where we thought the first guy should’ve been the other guy. hey, christians! do you sin? now you can buy your way out of hell! “that’s bullshit. this whole thing is bullshit. that’s a scam. fuck the church. here’s 95 reasons why,” said martin luther, in his new book which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation. “you know what would be magnificent?” said suleiman wearing an onion hat. “what if the ottoman empire was… really big?” which it is now. “what if russia was big?” said ivan, trying not to be terrible. portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade. and then that dream was real. and spain realized that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway. “damn,” said england and france. “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.” then the dutch revolt, and all the hipsters moved to amsterdam. “damn,” said amsterdam. “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.” question one: can you get to india from north america? no, but at least there’s beaver. question two: steal the spice trade. that’s not a question, but the dutch did it anyway. and sugar… guess where all of the sugar is made? in brazil! stolen! in the caribbean! and it’s so goddamn profitable, you might forget to not do slavery. the next thing on russia’s to-do list is to get bigger. britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world. more specifically, ohio. then it escalates into a seven-year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who’s boss. but what about britain and france, did they figure out who’s boss? yes they did! it’s britain. guess who’s broke? also britain! so they start taxing the hell out of america. “fuck you!” says america, declaring their independence and fighting for it, and france helps them win. now france is broke, and britain will have to send their prisoners to a different continent. wait, if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses? “let’s overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off!” said robespierre, cutting everybody’s heads off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off. you could make a rel— no, don’t. haiti is starting to like the idea of a revolution, especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters. “why didn’t we think of this before?” wait, who’s in charge of france now? “me,” said napoleon, trying to take over europe. luckily, they banished him to an island. but he came back! luckily, they banished him to another island. there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin american wars of independence. britain just figured out how to turn steam into power, so now they can make many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast. then they invent some trains. and conquer india and maybe put some trains there. “hey, china!” said britain. “buy stuff from us!” “nah, dude, we already got everything,” says china. so britain tried to get them addicted to opium, which worked, actually. but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea. so britain threw a hissy fit and made them open up five cities and give them an island. britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop the other person from conquering afghanistan. also, the sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now: “that’s just where he lives.” india just had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now. “nope,” said britain, governing them even harder than before. incoming telegram: HI I JUST SENT YOU A MESSAGE THRU A WIRE technology is about to go crazy! the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad. it’s bad, they decided, and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land and maybe kick out the mexicans too. “i know! let’s rape africa!” said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest. they never got ethiopia… britain and france are still hungry. they never got thailand… the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they’re looking for more: hawaii! cuba! wait, spain controls cuba. well, blame something on them and go to war! what should we blame on spain? u.s.s. maine sinks “let’s blame the maine on spain.” so they blame the maine on spain. now we’re in business. to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans. britain just found oil in the middle east. it makes cars go… china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new, stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and is controlled by a guy from the previous government. europe hasn’t had a war since the last war, so they start world war one. look at those guns! it’s gonna be a great war, so great we won’t need a second one. after it’s over, they blame germany. russia went on strike, and the workers overthrew the government. now, everyone’s paycheck is the same. communism in the soviet union… the arabs revolt and britain helps. now the ottoman empire is gone, so we can give the jewish people a place to live. hopefully the arabs won’t mind. “let’s cut the cake!” said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore-empire. except turkey! turkey makes a brand new turkey! and then the saudis conquer arabia. it just seemed like the right thing to do. phone rings hello? yes, it’s the 1920’s calling. let’s get to a car and drive to a party and listen to jazz on the radio and go to the movies. the economy is great and it will probably be great forever. just kidding. germany’s back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model, and he’s mad at the jews for existing. japan is finally conquering the east, and they’re so excited, they rape nanking way too hard. they should probably just deny it. hitler’s out of control, so the international community tackles him and tries to explain to him why killing all of the jews is a bad idea. but he kills himself because they could explain it to him. that’s world war two! bonus round! pacific showdown united states vs. japan FIGHT!! united states drops two extinction balls on japan FINISH HIM! let’s unite all the nations and have some world peace! seems legit. “hi, im gandhi, and if britain doesn’t get the hell out of india, i’m going to starve myself in public.” britain leaves “wow, that worked?” bonus! now there’s pakistan. actually two pakistans, one of them can be bangladesh later. the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land. “me!” they both said at the same time. let’s divide up the lands so we’re both happy. SIKE! they both get angrier! look out, china! there’s a new china in china. what’s on the menu? communism! no thanks, said the other china, escaping to an island. i wonder which one is the real china…? there’s the korean war. korea versus korea! nobody wins, then its on pause forever. let’s meet the sponsors. oh, it’s the two global superpowers. they’re having a friendly debate over which economic system is good and which one is an evil virus of satan. and they both have atom bombs. FIGHT!! wait, no, that would be the end of the world. let’s just keep it cool and spy on each other instead. and make sure we have enough atom bombs. “i’ll race you to space.” united states plants a flag on the moon now let’s make more countries fight themselves. europe is tired of pillaging other continents, and the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged. so here’s a new map with new countries. now you can’t tell who they’re being pillaged by. the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad. they decided it’s bad, and the world agrees. south africa might need another minute to think about it. let’s check the world population! woah. okay. technology is better too, that might keep happening. the soviet union decides to relax a little, and accidentally falls apart. europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money. except britain, because they don’t feel like it. let’s check the mail… surprise! it’s on the computer! whoops, someone just attacked america. i bet they’ll remember that. phone call! surprise! it’s in your pocket! wanna learn everything? surprise! it’s on the computer! now your phone’s a computer, which is in your pocket! whoops, the economy just crashed. don’t worry, the big banks won’t fail, because they’re not supposed to. surprise!… flying robots. with bombs. wanna print a brain? some people have no friends. some people have no food. the globe is warming, and the ocean is full of plastic! “let’s save the planet!” said everybody, not knowing how. “let’s invent a thing inventor,” said the thing inventor inventor after being invented by a thing inventor. that’s pretty cool. by the way, where the hell are we? thanks for watching history i hope i mentioned everything