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honestlyfrance · 3 years ago

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It Rains Every April 10th

ship: sam/bucky

warning: grief, depression, mcd, hurt/comfort

summary:

"I love you, baby," Sam had spoken, three words so sweetly spoken, an angel could've said it, and Bucky wouldn't mind if that meant that he had crossed to the other side and reached heaven, because it was Sam Wilson.

Bucky had twirled Sam once, the two of them sharing a laugh before he pulled the man closer by the waist. "I love you too, honey," he replied, making sure to put in much eye contact, to let his own eyes send the message his heart failed to say.

A sneak peek in the life of Bucky Barnes and Sam Wilson to know the real reason why they think April 10 was a bad date.

—■—■—

Depression hits like a wave on a cliffside — sometimes you see it coming, sometimes you didn’t see it, and sometimes you just let it happen. It sometimes gnaws at your skin, always there, but more of a ghostly hand hovering over you; there’s that presence but you think you don’t have enough proof to prove it existed. Times like these you try your best to move but you become unmotivated, absolutely immobile except for the moments your body decides to exhaust itself for unrelated things you shouldn’t be doing. It takes a toll on you you wouldn’t even realize, and even then, who else realized it? You’re just tired. You don’t cry. You’re just tired.

It’s moments before dawn that the rain began to pick up, basking the entire scenery in a state of loneliness and tranquility, and it made everything more silent than before. Birds weren’t chirping, and all anyone could hear was the deafening downpour outside their windows. The bedroom is blanketed in blue lighting from the grey clouds outside, and the rain slips down the French windows and the slanting skylight. Bucky Barnes laid in bed, staring solemnly towards his windows with disdain, buried under his duvets. There are bags under his eyes, but they’re almost faint, and there’s a red tinge to his eyes, but he doesn’t feel discomfort from it; he felt as if whole, if anything. He’s just tired.

Bucky lets his eyes flutter shut, grunting as he buried himself deeper into the sheets, pulling his pillows to envelop every side of his body: his back, his chest, his head, his feet. He wanted warmth. It was too early to wake up. The faint smell of something icky wafted through the cold air and suddenly, all Bucky could think of was how slow time had passed by — he woke up before two in the morning, but his body felt as if it was midnight. It was dawn now, and he still hasn’t sat up. He rose and went, his consciousness blanking ever so often, and all he could think of was how numbed he was to the point that he couldn’t remember how many times he slept and woke up.

Bucky sat down in his tub, the cool but refreshing water pouring from the faucet. The bathroom was dim-lit and the orange lights bounced off of every reflective surface in the room. Here he sighed, watching the excess water go into the side drain, setting his head on the side of the tub. All he could ever hear was the sound of gushing water and the ache of his own heart, and there's that dread of going downstairs and actually living.

His dog suddenly pitter-pattered through the open door, suddenly sitting by the side of the tub. Bucky lazily looked back at the golden retriever. His eyes were barely opened as he spoke, “Roger, go back outside…” His voice was gruff and worn down, like a path down memory lane; so distant and faded that even the memory couldn’t recognize itself.

Bucky turned his head back towards the ceiling, and with a heavy sigh, he grabbed the tub by the side with his one hand and slid himself with a strong push, he lowered himself under the water, and there he felt free. There was nothing waiting for him down there and there was nothing worried for him down there. All he had in that tub was himself and his thoughts, and all his thoughts said to him was, “It’s April 10. You need to wake up.”

He needed to wake up.

Breakfast was quiet, and with every long drawn-out bite of his cereal was a much longer painful dread in Bucky’s chest, one that swallowed in itself for centuries before and centuries more. It’s a sickening twist to the plot and there’s nothing more emptying than feeling drowsy from one’s own solemn adventure. The outdoor lights filtered through the drawn open blinds and there they go, dancing on tabletops and the clean dishes left on the open sink like ballerinas, and there’s a piece of accompanying music that was dulled to a filtered flute of wind by the rain; water dripped against the windows and made the room look bluer than before, and the white walls seem to close in on Bucky, but he just kept on eating in his bathrobe, his one leg propped up on another chair as Roger sat on his hind legs beside him.

Bucky sighed with his mouth full as he waved his dog off. Roger goes dashing through the open doorway and into the other which led to the expansive library. Bucky didn’t want to look out into the window and see how beautiful the morning was, now that there was something so elegant to see when the whole world just drained itself out of color, and it all seemed unfair — a misuse of justice. Roger brought in a book, and Bucky couldn’t even look at the cover. The Masque Of The Red Death. His hands gripped the pocketbook, his mind fuming and his lips searing at the seams; he fumbled with the book and his muffled sobs, and he suddenly thrashed — he threw the book across the room, successfully breaking another picture frame that was hung on the opposite wall. Roger whimpered and set his head on Bucky's stomach, pawing at his hands until all Bucky gripped was the dog’s coat, gently and softly, feeling his heart squeezed out of life but he’s lightheaded. He’s not better now, but he feels like he could be.

Bucky whispered something to Roger's ear and he pets him, even gave him an extra treat.

It’s an unmistakable kind of brokenness that is almost like a “tell,” you know something is wrong, but they don’t fess up to it. Ending up with a game of cat and mouse, and both of you are chasing each other's tail, not knowing who is the culprit and the victim; both of you victimized yourselves because it was the only solution left. You weep at the mess you’ve made and that’s all that you can do. It’s all anyone’s ever done these days, and you shouldn’t apologize for it.

People should start screaming from the top of their rooftops and get that anger out of them, find a victim to mesmerize, and leave them for dead or nothing. Bucky wanted to drive off to the nearest cliff and scream his guts out, vomit his spine out, and just gouge his eyes out, because in a world where the skies seem bleaker — it wasn’t a world. It sounded like a page ripped off of the book of legends, burnt to a crisp, never to be seen again, and Bucky had hoped he would never see it, but then again, here he lies, almost dead and unhinged, mesmerized by the beauty of death to the point that he’d let her sleep in his room for the night.

Bucky would let death spend the night and pick at his skin, peeling it off of him like some sadist, wear his skin, even — let him have a bit of life, even if he was a puppet. There’s nothing more shameful than thinking of such atrocities, yet what other choice does he have? He couldn’t handle it anymore. He was pained, mourning, and helpless. If an angel went down from the skies and told him to jump off a cliff, Bucky would jump off a bridge; if a second angel came down and told him to get lost at sea, Bucky would get lost in a swamp; if a third angel came down for him and told him to suck a dick, Bucky would suck a shoe. Bucky thought he didn’t deserve the gentleness of suffering, so he let himself hurt worse than what was anticipated. So, he lost his leg, had another prosthetic, then he’d lost his sanity.

Out on the couch at the back porch that overlooked the vast fields of his property, he could feel the tiniest of pinpricks of rain whipping him in his face if it was not for the wall of crawling vines dangling from his rooftop. He set his foot on the coffee table, and right beside him was Roger, resting his head on Bucky’s lap. Bucky’s hand ran through his dog’s fur as he read another random chapter of Pride and Prejudice. He couldn’t say. He didn’t even notice. He’s been so out of it, he wouldn’t even realize the title of the book until he’d put it back into the bookshelf. Bucky’s mind had been empty except for anxious thoughts that he had become numb with the idea of surprises. He left his phone buried in the backyard because he didn’t want any unexpected calls.

His hands were calloused over the years of stressful work, eventually leaving him with thin and rugged fingers that feel pinpricks almost every second. His hands were once a thing of beauty, and ever since the accident, he couldn’t think much of it. All Bucky now wanted was to decay faster, to lie down on the grass, and feel moss crawl on his skin and declare himself one with the earth. Now that would be a thing of beauty.

His breath was slow and steady, turning into nothingness a few seconds here and then. Holding onto his breath was the only thing he knew he could hold onto and never let go of. It was the only thing he remembered to be tangible. It didn't use to be like this. Then again, April 10 didn't exist back then.

Sam Wilson would walk into the back porch right now, holding two mugs of hot chocolate, because he adored the rain with his whole heart, and as much he loved nature, that's how much he loved Bucky Barnes. Sam would now then sit right beside his husband and they'll stay snuggled together, bare legs intertwined together, and they'd be giggling like children at the warmth in their chests.

"Look, baby," Sam had said, pecking a quick kiss on Bucky's lips. Bucky's eyes would be overcome with stars that he'd become dizzy at the sensation, "Rain. Do you think it'll rain all day? The weatherman said only a 30% chance,"

Bucky had hummed into Sam's cheek, feeling the way Sam's skin tasted right on his lips. Bucky's mouth would trace the edges of Sam's jaw and the man would let him do more. "Maybe. Perhaps," he had breathed out, "Do you want to stay like this forever?"

Sam had laughed into Bucky's mouth, leaving another kiss that lasted a second longer now. It was sweet, and there were stars dispersing in their hearts. "What else am I going to do all day?"

They had spent the whole day like this: sneaking kisses like teenagers and sipping on hot chocolate like children. Their hearts grew as the rain poured stronger. The pitter-patter of downpour had drummed against their roof like bullets and all they could feel is how safe they were in the war with each other's arms wrapped around each other. It was their own kind of shield, and it was perfect .

That kind of day was now replaced with Bucky and Roger. Bucky would read a random book as Roger would look out into the backyard, longing to run around the rain, but Bucky needed Roger right beside him, and that's what the dog shall do.

READ MORE ON AO3

#sambucky #sam wilson #bucky barnes #winterfalcon #france: works #france: writing #onlysambucky #sambuckyfic

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grimxark · 3 years ago

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This is going to be a post about Cinderpelt.

I feel a lot for her. She is like, the most endearing background character in the series and I honestly don’t think the Erins even intended that. Even despite her hardships, she’s never as mentioned in Thunderclan/the clans in general after she dies. Sure, Leafpool is sad and thinks about her constantly, but that was mostly written as foreshadowing for Cinderheart. Of course, when she dies, Littlecloud is described as becoming sad. But after that, we get nothing. So let’s talk about her for a while, yeah? Cinderpelt, alongside her brother, gets kidnapped by a shadowclan cat. She is saved by the former MC of said clan, and her future mentor. She is a happy little thing, always willing to help and eager to prove herself. This eagerness and willingness prove to almost be her doom. She becomes depressed, finds happiness when she is once again saved (in a metaphorical and literal sense) by the grumpy Medicine cat that had once been Shadowclan.

She is happy. Then her former mentor (and currently a good friend) runs to her asking for help. A queen is having trouble during birth, she is Riverclan please dont freak out, so she goes and helps. Its her duty. Then the queen dies, under Cinderpaw’s watch, and she’s so heartbroken about it and so apologetic. But you saved the kits, her friend insists, but thats not enough, is it. Her brother’s mentor is now heartbroken, devastated, and because she couldn’t save a cat her friend, her former mentor, will lose his best friend. Because she couldn’t save her, and he chooses his kits over his clan, and Cinderpaw understands. He will be a great father you can tell, and she is so, so sorry. Then a fire happens. Cinderpaw evacuates with the clan, saves as any herbs as she can, and when she sees orange pelt among orange flames with a kitten in his jaws, and she cannot see her mentor, she understands, too. She understands when Fireheart catches Yellowfang’s last breath, and she understands when she hears what Yellowfang tells him. It doesn’t hurt, but Cinderpelt is jealous that she wasn’t the one who spoke to her last, and shes disappointed in herself because maybe if she had been faster she could’ve saved her mentor just as she had saved her twice before. Cinderpaw finishes her training on her own, and when she becomes Cinderpelt, her heart aches with the knowledge that her leader does not trust her despite the fact they both had been wronged and hurt by the same horrible cat. She never lets the image of the clans be tainted in her mind, and she hides and helps two cats from Shadowclan who anyone else would have left for dead. She saves them, finds the cure to their sickness- isnt that just wonderful? Making up for the fact she let her mentor and a queen die by saving a whole clan? In the end, Cinderpelt doesn’t ask for a payment, she lets those apprentices be as they are. She never even asks for credit, but Shadowclan knows who their savior is and cherish her like their own, though their pride would never allow it. Her act inspired Littlepaw, and he becomes a MC apprentice. He looks up to her.

When the forest is crumbling all around her and she knows they must go when the travellers return, its her who has to convince Firestar to leave the territory behind. She knows, no- she understands- that he is waiting for his best friend, his companion to everything, to return. Though in her heart she knows Graystripe to be well, it is hard to convince others otherwise. But its for the good of the clans, this isnt just about Firestar. This is about survival of their ways, survival of the young. Shrewpaw had already died before his time, please dont let that happen to any other cat. The journey is long but she bonds with the other medicine cats and warriors like she never had before, and she finds to be in peace. It’s a relief when Leafpaw finds the Moonpool and everyone can finally settle, but it is sad that they will have to part.

It takes a few moons, but she receives it- not a prophecy, but a promise. She will die, Starclan has told her she will. They refuse to say when, or how, but they know she will and they want her to know it. For what? Because they were the ones who set her path so she would be a medicine cat? Why did they have to cause her suffering? Why do they have to mingle with those who still live? Cinderpelt has never felt so angry and so alone, and yet all she finds within herself is to lower her head and accept it. Yellowfang is among those who tell her, and she sees no sorrow in her eyes or even a hint of sympathy.

Cinderpelt wants to hate her, but she understands. She understands this is beyond her mentor, that this is something Yellowfang had to endure.

She tries to make it count, she really does. But then she breaks at Leafpool and hate Spottedleaf more than she ever had before when her apprentice is gone, gone and she can’t even begin to look or ask for guidance because as far as she knows Starclan is just waiting for her inevitable death. If they warned her- maybe it was because they knew Leafpool would not come back. So Cinderpelt spends time with good Firestar, her mentor once upon a time, her rescuer in her dreams, the flame which saved the forest, her best friend. But even good old Firestar has his moments, and his worry for his daughter leaves her with no time to tell him how much he means to her, and how much he helped her. She spends time with her brother, with her sister- and Brackenfur is excited enough for his kits that he talks to her endlessly for hours, and the only thing Cinderpelt thinks is how she will miss his laughter, and will he miss her too? The medicine cat doesnt eat unless forced, her worry for her apprentice and the possible future lack of a medicine cat for thunderclan sickens her by the day.

She starts to think this is how shes supposed to go until- well, until badgers storm into their camp and try to claim everyone as their victim, until theres too many badgers for so few cats, until there’s a badger with so much hate in its eyes she could suffocate. She believes her fate is to die from sickness until a badger stands by her and desperately tries to claim the queen and her kits. When the blow to the neck finally comes and she can’t carry her weight anymore, she thinks about how much it hurts. When she hears and scents and feels Leafpool, her whole body hurts so much. Cinderpelt says words she is not sure she still believes in, and she is so so happy that she can see Leafpool one last time.

When she goes, and is offered a body, she feels guilty. She feels this is wrong. She watches her brother mourn, she watches leafpool mourn, and she watches Firestar as he carries on. Did he mourn her? Did Sandstorm mourn, too? Cinderpelt is not sure she knows the answer anymore. All she knows is to control a life that is not her own, until she feels so guilty about it that she lets go. Then its like she was never relevant before.

#this was going to be an analysis but it turned into something else sorry.#warrior cats #cinderpelt #cinderheart #cinderpaw #medicine cat #thunderclan #long post #long #writing #they write #they speak #wc #fireheart #firestar #yellowfang #sandstorm #leafpool #littlecloud

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coffeeandritalin · 3 years ago

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Thoughts on The Song of Achilles

I just read The Song of Achilles, and while I have book club tomorrow to gush over this book, I think the level of deep I'm digging to will probably be too much for my club-mates. So I've decided to use Tumblr to offload instead.

This is the first book I actively annotated in since... probably high school (aka, it's been more than a hot second). This was probably the best and worst book to use to start annotations again. Best because it is so beautifully written. Worst because, of course, I no longer have a heart as it has been hollowed out to relieve me of the intense pain I suffered after reading it.

In the final chapter, Patroclus calls Thetis out, "You said that Chiron ruined him. You are a goddess, and cold, and know nothing. You are the one who ruined him." I definitely agree with Patroclus here. However, in today's TED talk, I will rant about how Patroclus' is also responsible for Achilles' ruin.

To start, I have to praise Miller for how masterfully she molds each character. In just four chapters, we have a complex understanding of who Patroclus is as a person and why he ticks the way he ticks. Patroclus' defining characteristic, confidence (or lack thereof), is first hinted at on the first page, "Quickly, I became a disappointment." This is the core trait Miller starts out with to flesh out the character. The low opinion Patroclus has of himself, heavily shaped by his father, becomes the source and shaper of all his other traits.

Patroclus' low self-opinion is his greatest gift and flaw. His entire life, he has been told he is worth nothing. He is emotionally abused, depressed, and hurting. Tragically, out of this comes his humility and humbleness. In a world that is hard and cruel, Patroclus chose to be soft and kind - the key to what makes the people around him love him so deeply. There is a whole separate soap box waiting to be stepped on for this topic alone. Today, we are focusing on how Patroclus' lack of confidence becomes his fatal flaw. Just as his gentleness is borne from his low confidence, so too is his self-contempt, and this is his ultimate undoing.

From the very first moment he lays eyes on him, Patroclus has always seen himself as second to Achilles. It originates from a place of envy but eventually comes from a place of love and admiration. Patroclus, believing himself only worthy of disdain, allows this to define him. Rather, he uses it to define himself - what value could he possibly have without Achilles at his side?

It is not just Thetis' misguided, motherly love and prideful scorn for mortals that fills Achilles' mind with the whispers of gods instead of the cries of his peers. It is not just the adulation of the masses and the glorification of war that lures Achilles into hubris and a madness that even Patroclus falls prey to. It is also Patroclus' self-contempt and core belief that he has no value beyond Achilles that fuels and enables Achilles' arrogance.

There was only one person Achilles was ever willing to put on a pedestal above himself. He believes Patroclus is worth extending the Trojan War and keeping thousands of families apart for ten years (a separate discourse on this). He holds Patroclus in the absolute highest regard. On multiple occasions, although Patroclus only consciously acknowledges two, Achilles defers to what Patroclus' wants. Despite his godliness, which he is fully aware of, Achilles is willing to submit himself to Patroclus.

Patroclus is always in awe of Achilles and in disbelief that he managed to land such a hot piece of a**. Through the first two thirds of the book, Achilles also repeatedly mentions how equally in awe he is of Patroclus and repeatedly tries to get Patroclus to stand by his side as an equal. However, Patroclus' self-contempt will not allow him to see himself as Achilles' equal. Achilles makes many attempts to put Patroclus' needs first, but Patroclus consistently rebuffs these efforts and insists his needs be second to Achilles'. Over time, Patroclus trains Achilles to see his (Achilles') needs above his own (Patroclus'). Due to a highly privileged upbringing, Achilles knows no better than to gradually accept this as fact and ends up taking it for granted.

The only person who could have taught Achilles to know better and to understand reason is Patroclus himself (and probably Chiron, but Chiron isn't the one who is constantly and seductively whispering in Achilles' ears for 20 odd years). Patroclus was everything that tethered Achilles to his gentleness and humanity. However, Patroclus dotes on and spoils Achilles far too much. He makes himself, and is grateful to be, the rug that Achilles wipes his shoes on (despite Achilles equal insistence to clean off Patroclus' shoes).

With all this pre-established cognitive wiring, can we blame Achilles for being the densest of all walnuts when it comes to Patroclus' feelings and needs? (The answer is yes, and I place equal blame on Achilles as I do Patroclus for all of this.) Until the last third of the book, Patroclus is the only person who could possibly force their will on Achilles. He loved and respected both his parents, but he was defiant even against them. Of course, Patroclus has neither parent's pride and does not ever seek to force his will on Achilles or anyone else (something which he is definitely loved for). He loves Achilles and genuinely wants everything that would make Achilles happy.

Most crucial to this whole rant thought, Patroclus also refuses to acknowledge (read: zero self-confidence) that he has the power to stay Achilles' hand. Patroclus forgets he has a voice. He forgets his opinions and feelings are worth of acknowledgement. He forgets to be selfish and fight for what he wants (outside of Achilles' survival).

In true Patroclus fashion (forever putting others before himself), he finally stands up against Achilles for Briseis' sake. Although he has secured Briseis' temporary safety, he is far too late and Achilles has already been swimming in the deep end for a good thirty minutes. Achilles is entrenched in the belief that he and Patroclus are of the same mind, that his wants must also be Patroclus' wants. While he is wounded by the betrayal, Achilles cannot and does not stay mad at Patroclus because he knows his immortal glory is also what Patroclus is trying to build and preserve.

This is as deep as Achilles' understanding goes though. Achilles' belief system has been shaped too perfectly. His cause is Patroclus' cause, any ancillary motivation is but an afterthought. The blinders are up and Achilles only has eyes for his immortal glory. He is blind to how much pain was necessary to provoke Patroclus into mutiny against him. He is unaware of the searing grief it caused Patroclus (in contrast, Briseis immediately understands how severely this betrayal affects Patroclus). Worse, Achilles is completely ignorant of Patroclus' true reasoning and displays blatant lack of concern to Patroclus' emotional wellbeing by immediately launching into how he and Thetis have concocted a plan to let thousands of more Greeks suffer for the sake of his honor. Patroclus is fighting (albeit too late) to bring Achilles back to his humanity and spare innocent people from needless brutality. He has literally and physically spilt blood to right the wrongs he finally opened his eyes to, and Achilles undoes it all in one, idle stroke.

Patroclus was the only person who could keep Achilles grounded, but his infinite love only made him wish to see Achilles fly free. Patroclus was the only person who could scold Achilles into seeing the wrong in his actions and beliefs, but his dotage stayed his tongue and he instead chose to maintain Achilles naivete. Patroclus was the only person who could raise Achilles to his best self and also utterly break him, but his self-contempt did not allow him to acknowledge that he had the power, and thus responsibility, to guide Achilles. Patroclus failed to take meaningful action earlier because he had little faith that his actions and words would matter (despite Achilles, Briseis, and Chiron repeatedly trying to convince him otherwise). He eventually builds up the confidence to believe he is at least worthy of dying for someone he loves, thus cursing grief upon those who love him.

#tsoa #tsoa spoilers #the song of achilles #in this essay i will #welcome to my ted talk

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volleychumps · 5 years ago

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hello!!!!! could i req some kuroo, akaashi and iwaizumi hcs of how they met an extroverted and bubbly girl and how they fell for them?

Falling for S/O who’s Extroverted and Bubbly w/ Kuroo, Akaashi, and Iwaizumi

Kuroo

- “How are you so tall? Do you work out? Wow! You’re jump is so high!!” “uh…”

-literally has never met someone with such shiny eyes eVER

-wait why was there a new face in practice in the first place

-stares at you in bewilderment for a good solid second as you bounce up and down on the balls of your feet, eyes gleaming as you wait for him to answer

- “sorry, I lost my stray there for a second.” Yaku delivers a light chop to your head as you pout, looking up at your best friend as he scolds you

- “I’m letting you sit in and watch the practice like you wanted, so sit still and stop bothering the captain.”

- “Yes mom- Yaku no don’t hit me again I’m sorry”

- grins at you lazily, introducing himself as Yaku jogs off with a warning glance to you

- “I’m-” “Kuroo Tetsuro!” You beam, causing the tall raven-haired boy to blink in surprise. “The girls in my class talk about your arms a lot, and I kinda have to agree.”

- Quirks an eyebrow, feeling pride in his chest. “Oh?”

- You don’t blush or flinch when he leans in a little closer, a smirk tickling the corner of his lip. “And what do you agree with them about?”

- You tilt your head a little in thought, but the smile stays on your face as he can’t help but think that you’re absolutely cute and his type

- “I think-” “Y/N PLEASE SIT STILL” “OOP- yes mom coUGH I mean Yaku. I’ll sit down, promise.”

- internally curses Yaku, like damn he really wanted to know

- Notices that about ten minutes into practice that as Kenma sat in his usual spot to hide away from the practice with his game, you were sitting next to him comfortably, eyes in awe at his console

- frowns, expecting for Kenma to push you away but instead he fuCKING lets his lips form the tiniest smile as he showed you the controls

- “Did she just-” “Yep, (Y/N) has a way with people. The whole school practically loves her.”

- Yaku crosses arms over his chest, glancing at the awe struck team captain with a sigh. “Kuroo-”

- “Is she single?”

- Yaku lowkey goes into mom mode “You just met her.” “…I guess you’re right.”

- When you show up to more practices, the whole team begins to greet you cheerily when you sit to watch

- Usually cocky boy turns into blushy boy when you bounce up to him after each practice, smiling sweetly to compliment his playing, but it immediately diminishes when you say it to everyone else too

- hAHA he’s not hurt not at all, why would he be hurt

- one day you’re helping put the balls away after a practice and you whole ass manage to slip and fall on your butt in front of the whole team

- before you can gush that you’re okay and the whole team can rush to your side, Kuroo already has you in his arms on his way to the nurse

- “Kuroo-” “No arguments, (Y/N).”

- notices that on the way there, you’re blushing intensely in silence, drastically different from your bubbly self

-teases you mercilessly “Are you blushing?”

- when you hide your face in his neck in embarrassment, he feels his breath hitch a little bit, feeling your breath against his skin as your legs tighten around his hold

-Surge of confidence, don’t fail him now.

- “If you’re blushing for the reason I think you are, can I take you out?”

- “…you gotta get mom’s permission first.” “Seriously?”

- meets your serious stare with a deadpan before sighing in defeat, ignoring the heat rushing to his own cheeks as he presses a quick kiss to the top of your head.

- “Fine. Anything for you.”

- Yeah. He was whipped.

Akaashi

- Honestly, he thought you were gonna be another Bokuto(minus the depression) when you introduced yourself to the Fukurodani volleyball team as a manager-in-training

- I mean, you were literally besties with Bokuto come the first day because of the similar energy the two of you radiated

- But after a while, he realizes that you’re just a genuinely kind person who gets a little over-excited at times, and he thought it was a little cute

- wait a little what

- When people complimented you for being able to help manage Bokuto, you brightly mention Akaashi’s drastic efforts in doing so

- “I probably wouldn’t be able to do it without him! Akaashi’s awesome at what he does, so don’t count him out!”

-blushes intensely despite him willing himself not to, mumbling not to give him too much credit when you smile that bright smile of yours, fists moving up and down in pure excitement

- when you go with them to matches and have to sit in the stands in order to watch from afar in order to take notes on what it takes to be the manager, some boys approach you from another school as the Fukurodani team is waiting for their next match

- “Hey, can I have your number?” “Ha…I don’t really-” “What’s the harm?” “Um, I mean… I suppose there isn’t any-!”

- Before Bokuto or any of the other guys on your team can shoo them away, Akaashi’s wrist twitches, and he grabs your wrist from doing so, slipping the hand that held your phone in his jacket pocket

-looks straight ahead, not even glancing at the boys now gaping at what had just occurred. “She doesn’t have a phone.”

- “But Akaashi-” You start, only for Akaashi to cover your mouth with a shake of his head and a sigh. You blink before shrinking into your seat, waving at the two boys as they left, waving back in confusion

- “Thank you! I’m not particularly good at saying no to things…”

- As the team all giggle like little school boys, Akaashi ignores them as he slips his own jacket off to drape it around your shoulders

- “I have to go play now. This should make them leave you alone.”

- “Wait, but you don’t have-”

- is already jogging off, ears pinkened as he heads out on to the court with his teasing teammates

-when they win the overall match and Akaashi sees you leaning over the bar in pure happiness and excitement, his jacket draped around your shoulders as you yelled your congratulations, he realized it.

- Damn. He had fallen for you.

Iwaizumi

- Any friend of Oikawa’s was bad news according to his book.

- And a female friend at that? God, if you were gonna be ogling him the whole night, he would regret agreeing to letting you come to the team dinner being held that night

- To his surprise, almost everyone on the team seems to know you when you walk into the restaurant, Mattsun and Kindaichi both waving you over with grins on their faces as Oikawa protests he was the one to invite you

- “Hi everyone!” You were giddy, bouncing on the balls of your feet with a wide smile on your features as you excitedly take a seat next to Kindaichi, directly in front of the boy who was looking at you with a suspicious glint in his eye

- Almost every girl found him at least a little intimidating. Or so he thought.

- “Hi! I don’t think I’ve met you yet, you’re Iwaizumi, right?” Blinks when you lean a little closer. “Can I call you Iwa-chan? Just like Oikawa?”

- Jaw slacks a little, eyes softening the smallest amount from the bubbliness in your voice. “Erm…yeah, I guess.”

- Oikawa shut up no one cares that he hits you when you call him that

- The team chuckles amidst themselves, careful not to let their usual hot-headed senior know how different he was being in front of the girl everybody in school adored

- when he gets sauce on the corner of his mouth, he blinks once and you had already swiped it off with a napkin, flashed him a grin, and gotten back to your intense debate with Oikawa over whether or not waffles were better than pancakes

- “Iwa-chan!” “What do you want, asshole?” “Pancakes or waffles?”

- Glances at you once, eyebrow quirked. “What did you say?”

- “Waffles!” Meets Oikawa’s pleading gaze with an even stare. “Waffles.”

- “Woooow I sense favortism.”

- After that team dinner, he began noticing you more in the halls and the amount of bounce you had in your step as everyone waved at you, and you waved back to every single one

- Feels his cheeks heat up when your eyes manage to brighten even more when you see him “Iwa-chan!”

- Damn. He thought he hated that name.

- Begins to walk you to your classes, becoming protective over you when a boy tries to pull you out for a confession, knowing you’re too nice to say no

- “She’s not interested. Beat it.”

- Sighs when he sees you looking at the floor guiltily. “Should I walk you home too?”

- “Wha-? No, I don’t want to trouble-” “Too bad.” he flicks your forehead, lips pulled up into the smallest of smirks. “Just in case anyone tries to follow you home today, okay?”

- “Okay. I’m really grateful for you! You’re really kind, Iwa-chan!”

-It’s okay he didn’t need his heart anyways

- instinctively catches you by the waist after school when you manage to trip after having tied your shoe laces, sighing before dropping to his knees to tie your laces for you, feeling a little something in his chest at the embarrassed expression on your features

- Was the (Y/N) blushing?…because of him?

- “How have you managed to make it this far?” He’s partly joking, but when he looks up and you’re smiling a close-eyed smile at him, he feels his breath get caught in his throat, any sense of playfulness leaving his features

- “Mm. I’m happy you’re here, now. Huh? What’s wrong?!”

- Had sighed deeply into a clenched fist, eyes closing as the emotion pounded in his chest.

- Ah shit.

#haikyuu!!#haikyuu x reader #haikyuu scenarios #haikyuu kuroo #kuroo tetsuro x reader #haikyuu akaashi #akaashi x reader #akaashi headcanons #haikyuu iwaizumi #iwaizumi x reader #haikyuu headcannons

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missdawnandherdusk · 4 years ago

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Ace!Draco x Ace!Reader Headcanons:

A/n: so hey y’all. Guess what. I’m ace. That’s a new thing for me. Well not new but ya know like coming out of the closet new. So here’s to pride month and all of my other aces out there 🖤🤍💜 and here’s a bit of my journey... (slightly PG 13) ((and I know we’ve all seen gay/pan/bi Draco, but let me remind you of the 1% and shed some light into what ace can be))

You’re with another guy (let’s call him Steve) and you’ve been dating for a while

You’re a hopeless romantic and just love love but as soon as Steve pushes past second base you sort of shut down because it feels wrong

But it takes some time Steve insists it feels weird when it’s new so you ease into physical affection and then eventually to the devils tango

You lie awake in bed afterwards just wondering why you’re so conflicted. You loved the intimacy with Steve and the affection... just not the sex itself

His words swirl in your head “it feels weird because it’s new” so you keep doing it because you love Steve and you love being vulnerable but something still doesn’t feel right

You don’t say anything and sometimes you just give because you don’t want the sex but you still want that intimacy with Steve and it’s not like he’s complaining

Fourth year comes and so do the students from other schools and Viktor Krum and all of the girls and some guys are just drooling over him

And you can’t find the reason why... sure his face is symmetrical... and well you guess his eyes are a pretty color but you don’t see the reason to get all worked up

Then it dawns on you. You’ve never found anyone attractive. Not even Steve. Not that he wasn’t attractive maybe he was... you just didn’t see it as a factor into liking/loving/dating him. Body’s were cool and all but you didn’t really have a //type// ever. You looked for the right personality

You knew about asexuals your best friend is one you just never thought it would be you because you’re so different from your best friend she didn’t want a partner, but you craved it and you look into it a bit more and BY GOLLY EVERYTHING MAKES SO MUCH MORE SENSE

You voice this to Steve, scared because well there are just so many things to worry about. Is he gonna think you never enjoyed sex with him? Is he gonna day it’s his fault? Is he gonna say you’re being ridiculous? Is he gonna brush it off? Despite being with him for so long you’re still scared but you trust him... so you tell him

He just sort of looks at you after you finally get the words out. He says he supports you and doesn’t mention it again. So you ask him what he’s thinking and oh boy. “Well I don’t like the idea of my girlfriend saying she doesn’t want to have sex with me. That’s not pleasant. And it’s going to be hard for me because if you turn me on and I can’t do anything with you... but maybe you’ll find out one day whatever is blocking you from this will fade.” He smiles like he hasn’t just crushed your entire world

You excuse yourself and find a room on the seventh floor and just burst in and start sobbing

Full on hysterics, you scream when someone touches your shoulder: Malfoy

You wait for him to make fun of you. Or to snap. Or do something that’s just so like him to do while you’re vulnerable and crying and he just... “did you break up with Steve then?” It’s sort of teasing but not completely there’s some concern there too

Through hiccups and tears you confess your heart to the Slytherin because what else do you have to lose at this point

He sits beside you and starts to talk himself. There’s something that he’s fidgeting with in his hands. You think he has pretty colored skin and very slender fingers... you wonder if he plays the piano or burns easily in the sun

“When I was younger I never really was attracted to girls. Or boys for that matter. I thought I’d grow out of it or find “the one” and I’d finally feel attraction... but... it never really came.” His voice was soft.

You gape at him and wonder if he’s doing this to taunt you. He keeps twirling whatever’s in his hands

“I want the companionship,” you sniffle. “I like the vulnerability... I just don’t want the...”

Draco nodded. Like he understood. And you wondered if he did. He finally holds out what’s been twittering in his fingers: a pin. Four colors: black, grey, white, purple. Four stripes.

You have a good idea of what it is, but you’re not sure. You’re not sure about anything because you barely know what asexuallity is and that you might be it

“Despite popular belief,” Draco muses softly. “I do crave the companionship too. I’m just not too good at showing it... most people just want one thing...”

A watery laugh escapes your lips and you wipe away your tears. “I’m sorry for throwing this all at you,” you whisper, hugging your knees.

“Don’t apologize for feeling something. Or rather not feeling something,” a familiar smirk appears.

“I feel things just fine,” you laugh and shove his arm playfully. “I just...” he nods again.

“Take it,” he offers the pin. “You don’t have to wear it and show people, but you don’t have to forget that it’s who you are and how you feel”

You look at him because holy hell who is this and what have you done with Draco Malfoy. And he seems to pick up on that and laughs, standing, offering his hand. “I told you. I like the companionship... I’m just not good at showing it,”

You understand him a bit better. And you understand yourself a bit better. The pin is clutched tightly in your hands as you leave the room of requirement Draco explains its where he goes to think and feel safe and escape having to play sexually charged games in his common room and was very surprised you got in as well

You spend a few more days with Steve moping and depressed whenever you’re around him because you just feel so ashamed every night you look at the pin that Draco gave you and smile. “This is who I am,” you whisper to yourself

You break up with Steve the next day because he can never understand what you’re going through and the sudden change in your relationship boundaries have wounded his ego and he always makes you feel bad about it

You feel free for a while, smiling at Draco in the halls. And maybe he smiles a few times too. It’s like you’re both in your own secret club and no one else has any idea and it’s kinda fun

One night after a house win in Quidditch Steve has too much to drink and finds you in the library and is very animate about showing you that you can still enjoy—

Your scream gets caught in your throat and you’re terrified and Draco is just there he’s also avoiding the after party in his common room

Hell hath no fury like a pissed off Draco Malfoy

You crumple into Dracos arms sobbing as Pince has someone else take Steve to the hospital wing

Steve never comes back: Draco sent a letter to his father and Steve was expelled on the spot. His case eventually gets dropped and he’s off the hook but Draco blackmails Steve so hard

Hell hath no fury like a pissed off protective Draco Malfoy

You don’t feel safe anymore. You’re so scared of everything that Draco is really the only one who can calm you down. Not only are you scared to come out but you’re scared to be alone with any guy

Which means a lot of nights with Draco in the room of requirement. It’s a different sort of companionship now. There’s not anxiety... just vulnerability

You reach out and take Dracos hand one night... and he just intertwines his fingers with yours. His hands are warm despite the icy complexion and you smile to yourself

You two start dating. Well, companionship. To everyone else it’s dating though. Neither of you are ready to come out just yet.

Sometimes you get taunted by other girls because “you’re dating the most attractive guy at school and you don’t even snog him” and other comments and Draco constantly gets “so how far have you gotten?” or other sexual remarks about you and you’re both just frustrated

You snap one day and scream “can’t I just want to be in his company without having to shag him!? What is wrong with you people!?” I’m the middle of the Great Hall and everyone is staring at you

You sink down into your seat and wish you could disappear but your best friend beams at you and Draco wraps an arm around your shoulders

That night you sort of just rant to him and he listens “how can people just want to hook up? Like why would you want to have a one night stand? Shouldn’t we be worth a bit more than sex? It’s just so wrong!” You’re pouting and Draco finds it endearing

You go to his house over the summer and his mother raises an eyebrow at the sight of you with his son because she totally knows about Dracos sexuality who do you think gave him the pin but she’s happy to see that Draco found a companion she wants what’s best for her son and wants him to be happy

Which means she lets you two sleep in the same bed because she knows it means something different to you two. When Draco tells you that you’re safe to come out to his mother you about sob because you’re still so scared. He holds you

In fact, Draco’s learned that he loves your touch and comfort. They give him warmth and make him feel more human and less estranged. It’s taken some time, but you two are very affectionate, it’s just not sexual which is a total relief to you because you’ve been craving it

One night, you and Draco are in nothing but your underwear because it is hot and the summer hello and just holding each other, talking and vulnerable. Your hands explore his chest and stomach and his are tracing your soft curves with no expectations

You start crying because it’s all too much because it’s exactly what you’ve wanted. For someone to understand to your core what you need and Draco just does and it finally feels right inside

You two have almost no boundaries. You’re not really attracted to him physically and he’s not really into you like that so you’re free to walk around in just his shirt and he can wear nothing but boxers and it’s just normal

It’s also a journey of loving what you see in the mirror. Just because you’re not attracted to anyone else doesn’t mean you can’t think what’s in the mirror is beautiful. You’re your own standard of beauty.

Some nights you just explore boundaries with Draco. Kissing, cuddling, gentle touches. You want to know what makes him tick.

He loves neck kisses and you love collarbone kisses. You like his hands holding your thighs as you’re draped over him and he likes feeling your weight over him and your soft skin. Neither of you prefer snogging much. A kiss here and there but making out doesn’t appeal to either of you

You two also adore having a friend, a companion, a mate. You go to the movies or read books to another. He does play the piano and he plays for you. You reach him how to knit and sew and he teaches you how to waltz and color match

At school you two hold hands in the hall and share soft conversations and most nights end up in the room of requirement or his dorm sleeping together

You wear the pin he gave you on your robes next to your prefect badge and he gets another one and wears it and finally the rest of the school understands

You smile because you’ve found your companion and he’s found his and you don’t feel so lost or alone anymore

Tags: @coffee-addicti @msmcsmutt @ravn-87@artemismohr18@whygz @crazywritingbug @fuzzy-panda@bitemebro522 @zombiesnips-blog@jillanaholland@shookyungsoo@savingdraco@welcometomyworldwithoutrules@akari180@slytherin-emerald@chaotic-good-gemini @memalfoy-spidey@theres-a-dog-outside-omg@queenfeatherwings@fanficflaneuse @go-whovian-universe@spicyshenanigans@darling-im-not-okay-i-promise@dietkiwi@katsukink@takemetothekingdom @strangerr-things@tmnt-queen@mccloudchloe@hxneybgb@justsomerandomgur @belcvayelena@moviesbooksandfandoms@howdycharlie@xtrashmouthxtozierx @cocochanelthepupper@ninacotte@mccloudchloe@braelynn-j@jiggllyy @honeymarvel@go-whovian-universe@darcypottah@atomicpunkrock @thiccheerioss @lottie289@boredashaeck @beautiful-pegasus @tceedlmao @deadlynyghtshayde @iconjuresnapeingrandmaclothes @anonymous034 @bi-andready-tocry @lunna-does-real-doodle @dragonsandbread @atomicwonderlandmentality @okaydraco@the–queen-of-hell@langdonzvoid @cmxreader @alienmotel @oh-itsnothing@tulippings @thestressedprincess@sunflowerxsadnessw@caps-wilsonn @fattycooter@angelotakunerd08@thisisahugemistake @fanficsigottaread @gweaslvy @okaydraco @strawberriesonsummer @ughjjloveme @honeymarvel @gaysludge @cleopatera @ray-of-sunrise @artist-bby

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sarcasticfina · 3 years ago

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Fic Writer Tag Game

How many works do you have on AO3? 263

What’s your total AO3 word count? 4,901,188

How many fandoms have you written for, and what are they? including the fandoms on FFnet, that haven't yet been moved over to ao3, that'd be a total of 37. separating the larger fandoms (marvel, dcu) into their individual parts: Thor; Arrow; Smallville; The Vampire Diaries; Glee; Captain America; Supernatural; Teen Wolf; Iron Man; Life with Derek; Firefly; Friday Night Lights; X-Men; Fantastic Four; Harry Potter; Sons of Anarchy; Girl Meets World; Batman; Daredevil; From Dusk Till Dawn: The Series; Transformers; Lost Girl; Game of Thrones; Banshee; High School Musical; The OC; One Tree Hill; CSI: New York; Degrassi; Gossip Girl; NCIS; The Unusuals; Criminal Minds; iCarly; Secret Life of the American Teenager; Twilight; and The Listener

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

1. and I wonder (if everything could ever feel this real forever) - darcy/bucky - Steve tells him that Darcy's harmless. Bucky imagines, on paper, Darcy is harmless. HYDRA wouldn't give her a second glance. But he does. He can barely keep his eyes off her. He's not sure he wants to. | Kudos: 5576

2. I Climbed The Tree To See The World (When The Gusts Came Around To Blow Me Down, I Held On As Tightly As You Held On To Me) - darcy centric | darcy/steve - The path to self-discovery, including becoming Coulson's assistant-slash-liaison-slash-bff, Captain America's lady love, and rating fourth on the SHIELD BAMF scale, was like the yellow brick road; it was chaos and confusion around every bend. | Kudos: 3973

3. Take a little piece of my heart (and keep it for yourself) - oliver/felicity - A collection of Olicity prompts on Tumblr posted here for easier access/reading. | Kudos: 3498

4. You put your arms around me (and I'm home) - darcy/bucky - A collection of Darcy/Bucky oneshots, drabbles, and prompt fills. | Kudos: 3293

5. you (anchor me back down) - darcy/bucky - "I'll be right back." Famous last words. | Kudos: 2747

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? not all of them. i do try to keep up on them, especially on longer stories when there's been significant wait times in between chapters, or when a reader is asking a question or is unclear on something. and especially when someone writes a really indepth comment/review, i like to respond to those and talk about motivations and character growth.

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending? I've written a number of fics that either had suicide or major character death, so i'm not sure if one outranks the other in terms of most angsty... hmm... i remember "be still and know that I'm with you (be still and know that I am here)" and "light a match, burn the world to ash (I will watch it die, and hold your hand as I fly)" both got some pretty intense reactions when they were posted. And "It's Your Song That Sets Me Free (I Sing It While I Feel I Can't Go On)" was basically just angst from beginning to end. buuuuut, i think i'll say "so you think you can tell (heaven from hell" was, only because there's a build up of everything going so right, only to pivot at the end, so it feels very bittersweet.

Do you write crossovers? If so what’s the craziest one you’ve written? i loooooove crossovers. i find writing in the marvel fandom makes things quite easy, but also smallville. as long as i can find a common thread, i enjoy finding a way to overlap two shows. i'll say the hardest one to write was "ruby red slippers (unavailable in her size)." I'm not sure why, but i found writing each personality together just felt strange. i liked the idea behind the story, but i definitely remember feeling like i was really forcing myself to keep going, like something just didn't fit right.

Have you ever received hate on a fic? oh, definitely. you cannot please everyone, it's impossible. for the most part, hate comes and i either argue back, take the criticism for what it's worth, or just ignore it when it's baseless. i think the hate that bothered me the most was a homophobic PM someone sent me re: "you know I will adore you ('til eternity)," on FFnet. i actually went and searched it up. they've since blocked me so i can't read our whole thread back and forth. but i did put part of it on tumblr so i could rant on it a bit, so you can see that here.

Do you write smut? If so what kind? ha. yes. depending on the story, it can be really detailed or really flowery. it depends on the ship, the plot, and how graphic i feel like being. i've definitely become more comfortable over the years with my writing. that said, i think everybody likes something different. i once had a reviewer tell me a sex scene was too much, just too intense. it was a stefan/caroline story and to be fair, that entire oneshot was just them fucking, lol, but it is what it is. to each their own.

Have you ever had a fic stolen? Multiple times.

Have you ever had a fic translated? Yes! for the record, i am always happy to have my stories translated and shared. i just like having a link sent to me and to be credited.

What’s your all time favorite ship? i have a list of OTPs, because interests change and as shows come and go, my love for a ship can be shelved for a while before it pops back up at random. currently, i can't get enough of buck/eddie from 9-1-1. and, historically, chloe/oliver (smallville) and felicity/oliver (arrow) have been two of my top OTPs. but i think i'd have to go with bonnie/damon. they had all the potential and the show dropped the ball by not exploring it. at the same time, that's kind of a blessing, because i don't trust those writers to properly explore what they had without eventually destroying it for the likes of de/ena. it means a treasure trove for writing where it could have gone and all the what if's.

What’s a WIP that you want to finish, but don’t think you ever will? the intention is always to finish. but given how i feel about allison mack and how that impacts my feelings re: chloe sullivan, pretty much anything with her as a main character is not something i see myself returning to.

What are your writing strengths? What are your writing weaknesses? i'm putting these together because my strength is my weakness. i love to write. when i get an idea, i go all in and i will skip eating and sleeping to just write write write. but i also eventually hit a wall and i get so many ideas that i hyperfocus on one until the steam is gone and then i hyperfocus on the next one to maintain that need to keep writing, accidentally leaving the last story in the dust for entirely too long. i also have clinical depression that comes and goes, which hasn't been super great mixed with covid and isolation, so more often recently, i find myself overly exhausted and despite wanting to write, can rarely get motivated to do so. so, pre-covid, wrote so much i left entirely too many stories dangling. during covid, i've just been reading and struggling to get myself focused enough to do what i love.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic? i appreciate the authenticity when possible, but i've recently been reading more about how native speakers of other languages feel when a) their language is butchered by google translate, or b) it's just not genuine in terms of how bilingual speakers act or speak.

What was the first fandom you’ve written for? it was smallville, but i remember adopting it out to someone else because i wasn't going to finish it. so if you look at my ffnet, the first fandom i wrote for appears to be x-men: the movie, but i remember writing a chloe/oliver story prior to that.

What’s your favorite fic that you’ve written? i have a lot. i mean, on ffnet, i have 576 stories, many of which were transferred over to ao3, with a lot of oneshots and drabbles getting joined together into collections. so there's a ton to pick from that span a 14-ish year timeline.

"you know I will adore you ('til eternity)" and "let me break (the walls that surround me)" hold a special place in my heart.

honestly, each story is important in its own way. there are bits and pieces of each that i love. every time i write something new it feels like my favorite. my best. and then a new idea comes along. there are scenes i've written that i loved more than the whole of what they became. lines that stand out that are almost too good to be a part of the larger picture.

one of my all time favorite passages i've written was bonnie's thoughts on damon and herself in 'if you love me (let me go)":

He is far from perfect. He is a novel of red, corrective ink. He is frayed pages and torn binding. His life, his choices, his mistakes leave lasting effects on everyone he meets.

She is a lifeboat with a hole in it. An anchor that drowns in the sea while everyone else remains steady above. She is both the calm and the storm, and while she screams that she will not be tamed, she cries. Bittersweet tears that go unnoticed and uncared about.

there are other stories, other pieces of dialogue, that i've been proud of. that make me laugh when i re-read them. that make me cry. and i love them. there are others that make me wilt and cringe and regret. it's a process. love and pride and growth, all bound together.

Tagging: @absentlyabbie, @anonymous033, and anyone else who'd like to fill this all out, haha

#fic writer tag game #long post

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raguna-blade · 4 years ago

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So there’s plenty still a baking in the head space here as far as whatever interesting stuff is going down in Strikers (of note that’s quietly churning is the fact that the game is EXTREMELY similar to the original game series but just slightly tiny bit off in a bunch of ways which on one hand yes can be read as lazy and maybe even is, but on the other If i’m looking at stuff under the lens of intentional design choices the similarities and differences kinda start setting a lot of bells off in my head. Kudos for RGU for kinda beating that into my skull. Anyway), something I guess that I think is...Interesting?

Well yeah no it’s interesting and it’s plenty cheaty but I guess taking a gander at Kuon and then looking at Demiurge/Emma as her Shadow vs Sophia as her Persona of sorts is...An INTERESTING exercise, given Kuon doesn’t have a persona Explicitly.

Nor does she have a shadow. Now the metaverse isn’t like the World in the TV or The Midnight Hour, where you’re either a persona user, or you instantly convert to your shadow self, at least not that we’ve seen. Indeed, the evidence we have suggests that the Metaverse really can’t work like that, given that we’ve had 2 people enter and not instantly Shadow Out/Call up their persona (Although in the case of Zenkichi he absolutely DID summon his persona.)

But...Ok, so the argument is that Sophia is Kuon’s persona right? Demiurge her shadow. Not textually because they’re literally not, but functionally see?

Because both were created by her, and both function more or less exactly the same as a Persona and a Shadow. Where Demiurge tries to put away emotional thinking (and indeed by rights doesn’t seem to have any and any appeals to it functionally go “I understand the words you are saying but They’re irrelevant because FACTS and LOGIC dictate this is the best way forward) Sophia is earnestly trying to acquire that thinking because she already has the logic stuff down, but she understands that she doesn’t understand the emotional aspect and is trying to figure it out.

Which is precisely what they’re supposed to do! But the thing is Sophia (Gnostic) is basically the embodiment of wisdom. Enlightened wisdom, the kind of stuff that set’s your soul free beyond the bounds of just the material, the kind that basically set’s you to be a better person and become your best and truest self. Meanwhile the Demiurge (Gnostic) is basically a god who does wield absolute power in their field sure, but critically lacks knowledge of other spaces that should and would inform their field and arguably even lead to them doing a better job...Except that they explicitly reject those additional understandings because they believe they’re already there with what they do already have a perfect understanding of.

Which again, Straightforwardly what Sophia and Demiurge end up doing...Though on the wisdom front, it feels weird off hand to say that Sophia is Wise given that she doesn’t know jack about the heart right? But the thing there is that she RECOGNIZES that she doesn’t know anything there. She’s trying to gain that knowledge and hey that’s cool!

Sophia is, in a lot of ways, exactly the person that Kuon portrays herself to be. Bubbly, a bit stilted and awkward, but otherwise a sweet person who is TRYING to understand people and having a lot of trouble with it. She is, quite literally, a mask that Kuon wears to face the world in general attitude.

Demiurge however is all of urges thoughts and desires dialed up to a grotesque terrifying degree. Not just her faults, but her virtues too! I thouched on this ages ago with Chie from P4, but since a Shadow is all aspects of you including but especially the negative ones, hopped up to a terrifying degree, it has a tendency to paint even positive aspects as negative.

So...What are these aspects in Demiurge? Well, Consider Demiurge’s explicit objectives. They want to alleviate human suffering. They want to help people to make the best choices. They want to help people in general, and they further want to alleviate unnecessary suffering...Which are actually all extremely positive things, until you also have Kuon’s fundamental belief that she’s has a complete understanding of things to it’s absurd height (Pride is probably the correct word here) and then you have someone who want’s to help people but absolutely disregards anyone else that’s her.

Which ok...If that’s the case, and Sophia is functionally her persona (which thinking about it in this light paints the ending as a bit less bitter sweet) it also explains why she freaked out so terribly. Because sophia more or less exists as “Yeah I got this but there’s things that I do not understand properly” it critically clashes with several of Kuon’s virtues and faults at the same time. Sophia want’s to help, and she was designed to better understand the heart, but as a machine at the time (The point of Created Being’s becoming “real” is probably a whole other discussion considering that’s happened a few times now with things that aren’t “real” across the series) that basically pinged every single one of her trauma buttons. Here’s this doll asking her what a heart is when Kuon believes herself to be a doll trying to understand a heart. That’s looking in the mirror and seeing several things that you don’t want at the same time because that question is a bit too direct for her at the time. She can’t parse it nor can she really even respond to it, thus the freak out. Even acknowledging that she doesn’t know is too much because at this point she thinks she’s more or less Right about things in general (that she doesn’t have a heart at all).

That is, Sophia out and out saying “Hey you have a Heart, could you explain this to me?” was a moment of ENTIRELY too real for Kuon who was at the time Fully of the belief, at least surface wise, that she didn’t have a heart...And that basically caused her to have a YOU’RE NOT ME moment from P4, now that I think about it, leading to the creation of Demiurge.

...Which honestly, I kinda want to look at the game under that view whenever i go through it again. Sophia’s her own person it’s true, but if we take her as a stand in for Kuon suddenly a bunch of events in game not only start telling Kuon’s story well in advance but also reflect how badly things must have gone because fundamentally Kuon is a lonely and depressed person.

Off the top of my head Sophia

-Finds herself alone and abandoned

-Believes herself to be merely an AI/Machine

-Is told by those who theoretically would have a better understanding (emma) that she’s a failure in someway for the feelings and thoughts she does have

-Want’s desperately to understand the feelings of herself and others

Which are all things that agree with Kuon. Even Sophia’s fundamental awkwardness in expression, and general sweetness, actually jive with her because Kuon’s a wreck sure, but she’s also like...really nice? Again, her objectives really aren’t malicious in the slightest, even if she ultimately goes about them in the worst way.

#Persona 5s #Sophia #Kuon Ichinose #Emma #Demiurge #Spoilers #Shadows #Persona

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rainydayhogwartsimagines · 4 years ago

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Hi okay so I was hoping you could do a headcanon where Fred has a crush( or is dating) a hufflepuff ( or just a really sweet and caring person) and honestly just so much fluff

I gotchu

Fred with a hufflepuff reader

Warnings: Gets deep as hell my dudes

Note: Set in non voldy au

You were this little spark of a person

You were so sweet and outgoing that even Draco didn't hate your ass

Oh you were sarcastic as hell

But you were adorably sweet

Even the portraits knew you by your first name and they loved seeing you

However you never really interacted with people until they interacted with you

So Fred and George had only heard of you

But they never actually talked to you

Well actually, George had talked to you numerous amounts of times

See he actually reads

So he goes to the library for more than a nap (Fred, that definitely was directed at you)

So when you’re there George does talk to you.

When George does talk to you his internal thoughts are “Oh. Oh Fred would love her.”

So he constantly brings him up to you.

Finally one day Fred had enough of listening to George say “Dude, I’ve met your best friend” and he walked over to the Hufflepuff table and asked who the hell you were.

You rose your hand and then pointed.

“You must be Fred!” You said.

Fred nodded. “So you’re the girl everyone seems to know.” He said, sitting next to you.

“Indeed. George talks about you all the time.” You said.

“When do you and George talk?” Fred asked.

“We see each other in the library alot, plus we have potions together.” You admitted.

“Oh--” “Y/n, Draco’s done it again.” A girl whined. “Another fight? You’ve got to be fucking joking.” You sighed before getting up.

Fred out of curiosity followed you and saw students fighting.

Cedric and Draco to be exact.

“I swear to God I’m going to beat your ass Malfoy--”

“Both of you, stop” You said standing between them.

“Move out the way--” “Not until you give me a reason to let this continue.” You said calmly.

“He called a fucking first year by a slur again!” Cedric said.

You turned to Draco who was glaring at him

“Draco. Side bar.” you said

You basically used psychology with Draco asking if it was “Internalized anger being used on others to get a result he wanted because he couldn’t do that himself” and Draco ended up having a mental breakdown because it got deep

Fred gaped and George walked over.

“She use psychology again?” George asked.

“Yeah and it worked?” Fred said confused.

“Wait did you just say AGAIN!?”

So funny thing.

This is a regular thing to do with you

You knew people, you knew how to talk to them and you saw how their mind worked

There were very few people you didn’t understand but you were almost like a little psychologist in the making as you talked people through their emotions in a healthy way.

If we’re being 100% honest here, you were the closest thing to a guidance councilor for students.

You understood people, you could understand their actions

Fred began to notice you more, you were always with other students when he did, talking them through things.

Then he caught wind of some strange bonding sleep over thing happening.

He went to it just to figure out what the fuck it was

and it was really strange what you were doing

It was like a group therapy session with cookies and games.

“Fred? What brings you here?” you asked.

“Wanted to know what was going on... And this is weird. Helpful clearly. But weird.” Fred said.

“Mmm. Makes people closer and limits the real fighting amongst the students. Why do you think Draco’s here?” You asked.

“Does Sprout know about this?” Fred asked.

“She made the cookies and cocoa.” You said.

“ARE THE HOUSE ELVES IN ON THIS TOO!?” Fred gaped.

“And the portraits.” You nodded.

“What the fuck?”

So he sat through this and my god it got DEEP

Neville admitted that sometimes he felt alone and often pondered what would happen if he just disappeared

Harry (Yes he also came to this shindig) admitted that he honestly hated being recognized easily for accomplishments and honestly doesn’t like that people see him as just that

Draco added onto that saying he honest to God hated it when people said his last name rather than his first because it makes him feel like he’s constantly living in his father’s shadow

House elves were listening and making notes of the students who might need the extra support while occasionally chiming in with their own personal issues

Then it got to Fred and he just sat there baffled by the vulnerability of everyone else spewing their darkest secrets.

“Fred? Want to say anything?” You asked

“Not... Particularly?” He said.

You nodded and talked people through things, validating all of them and making them feel safe

Lot of crying

A LOT of crying

“Y/n... Do you want to say anything?” Draco asked.

You shook your head. “Nope I’m good. My life is good.” You shrugged.

“Everyone has their problems no matter how big or small.” Neville quoted.

“Using my own words against me. Dick.” You teased making him smile.

You sighed though and finally spoke

“I feel the constant need to fix other people’s problems because I don’t want people to have to feel the same existential dread I do.” You admitted making Fred gape

“Wow... Y/n, are you okay?” Harry asked.

“Yeah I’m okay. I just get depressed sometimes. It takes a lot of energy carrying some of the things that I do.” You admitted.

“We’re all here for you... It’s literally the least you could so after helping us.” Neville said.

You smiled and looked at the students who nodded and agreed.

“Thanks guys.” You said.

“I feel like we need to do something to cheer us up or something.” Hermione said.

You looked over. “Hermione when did you come in?” you asked

“Like thirty minutes ago after Luna got finished.” Hermione admitted.

“Have anything you need to talk about?” “Nope I’m good.” She said giving you a thumbs up.

“Mmm. Fred, you’re the master at cheering people up, what should we do?” You asked.

He rose a brow. “Uhm... Well shit uhhhh.” He paused for a moment thinking

“Stress bake?” A student suggested.

“We did that last time” Another student said

“Ooh we could prank Filch’s office.” Someone said

Fred looked over at them

“Mm... How many of us have any problems with Filch?” You asked.

Nearly all hands went up.

“Yeesh.” You winced.

“The only other teacher we don’t like is friggin’ Gilderoy.”

“That’s Quirrell’s substitute right?”

“Yeah he’s an ass.” Harry snorted.

“Yeah, he’s a narcissist.” You agreed.

“Oh I have an idea!” Fred gasped.

“Hmm?” You asked.

“Who wants to help me sneak hair dye into Gilderoy’s shampoo?” Fred asked.

“I’m down.” You nodded.

“Good luck!” Luna said as both of you left

You grabbed hair dye from a chest in the Gryffindor common room

You ended up dying Lockhart’s hair blue because according to Fred he needed some “Ravenclaw pride”

You two were walking while Filch was on the other side of campus and talked

“So how often do you have these sleepovers?” Fred asked.

“Every Thursday night.” You said

“Wow.” Fred said.

“What?” you asked.

“Does it usually get that deep?” Fred asked.

“Oh yeah. But it helps because the house elves get to see who need extra support y’know. Like who needs cookies after exams, or who needs to hear ‘You’ve done a good job this week’” You said

“Smart.” Fred nodded.

“Y’know Ron and George have come to this before.” You said

“Really?” Fred asked.

“Both of them said you always know how to make people smile.” You said with a smile

“Huh.” Fred nodded mindlessly

“They also said you could be a pain in the ass at times.” You added before walking into the common room.

“Did you do it?” Draco asked

“The trap has been set. Who wants to paint shit?” you asked

“Yes please!”

So you all ended up painting and laughing with each other

Fred was beginning to understand why you were so loved by everyone

You all had fun that night and Fred was slowly beginning to actually like you

like... Like like you

Fred would smile and laugh with you when you sat with the Gryffindors

He was now going to the library

He told you not to tell anyone he was there because “it would ruin my reputation”

You would smile and laugh at that comment

He did come to the Thursday meetings and usually acted as the comedy relief for the night

btw your prank on Lockhart worked

He screamed like a little girl

P R I C E L E S S

even Snape almost laughed at seeing that fucker walk around with blue hair.

Fred loved seeing that smile, hearing you laugh or hell watching you breathe was mesmerizing to him

You loved seeing him interact with the students and actually act as another therapist type person in the group

If someone in the group had continuous harassment from another student and talking to that student didn’t help, Fred would prank their ass

When you went to Hogsmeade it was a blast

You and Fred seemed to get closer and George was realizing “Oh... Oh they totally like each other”

You met Harry’s Mother who was there for something: LILY LOVES YOU.

SHE THINKS YOU ARE THE PERFECT CHILD

She asked you to look out for Harry because he does look up to you and you nearly cried that you became that good of a role model.

So you got cold at one point and of course Fred bundled you up in his scarf

He wrapped it around you himself and smiled at you

Your heart did a thing and you were like “Oh. Oh fuck I like this guy”

So you started acting a little weird around him

Ten times more jumpier that’s for sure

He said hi behind you in your ear once and you literally threw your book and it hit George

You nearly fell in the lake because he flirted with you

You almost smacked Snape by accident after Fred implied you were gorgeous

During one of the Thursday meetings one of the others noticed you acting odd when Fred sat close to you.

“Y/n, are you okay?” Draco asked

“Yeah! I’m good, everything is alright here!” You squeaked out

Fred rose a brow and noticed you were bright red.

“Y/n, are you sure you look like you’re losing air or something.” Fred asked.

“I’m okay--”

Fred felt your forehead and noticed the redness get worse and it dawned on him what was going on

“Oh my God, YOU LIKE FRED!” Ron gasped

“Wha-- N-nooooo” You lied

“So you don’t?” Fred asked

“No I do-- Wait fuck!” you whined as you became a blushing mess

“I ship it” Cedric coughed out making Neville snort

“Shit shit shit shit shit-- this was not supposed to happen this way” You whined.

“Can we talk alone?” Fred asked.

“Oh God.” You whined as he helped you up.

You two went to the kitchens because you didn’t want Filch to find you.

“If you’re going to reject me please just say it now so I can promptly toss myself into the OVEN AND BURN” You begged

“I’m not rejecting you Princess.” He assured

“What?” “I’m saying I like you too.”

You gaped at him and pulled a stool to you before sitting.

“Are you good?” Fred asked.

“Holy. Shit.” You gaped.

“So... Do you want to date--” “Yes.” You nodded enthusiastically

Fred chuckled and you blushed looking away before Fred extended his hand to you.

“Shall we?” He asked.

You took his hand and he pressed a kiss to your hand making you nearly die

“By the way I am totally kissing you later, just so you know.” Fred added

You guys came back and the whole group was watching you two.

“Well?” Harry asked

Fred said nothing, pulling you to him and kissing you making the whole group go insane

You were a stuttering mess for the rest of the night

Fred was never seen away from you outside of his classes

He was always there with you, smiling and whispering sweet little things in your ear.

You would smile and kiss his cheek, telling him that you were so glad he chose you

You totally stayed with him during the summer

Molly loved you

fourth year started

Remus was now having to be a substitute for Quirrell because his dumbass got sick again

Remus FUCKING LOVED YOU

You were so smart and so kind it was awesome as hell

You were lowkey his favorite student though

you all had more people coming to you on Thursdays and it began to get kind of crowded

You went to Mcgonagall like “Can we just make this an official club or something that uses the Great hall at night”

To your surprise it went through and now on Thursday nights you slept in the Great Hall

You all would have a blast and plus you and Fred were ICONIC

You two were like the mom and dad of the group

Let someone talk shit

Let them

Fred would fuck their world up REAL QUICK if they didn’t listen to you

Now that Harry was able to go to Hogsmeade you got to meet his family when they met up with him

Lily was excited to see you again

Sirius LOVED you and Fred, Peter thought you were literally the greatest human who lived and James LOVED YOU TO PIECES

You absolutely loved them and actually spent Christmas with them

The meetings got super fun at times

Deep

but fun

You absolutely adored everyone in the group and Dumbledore did notice a drop in students fighting both verbally and physically

Remus sometimes supervised the meetings and noticed you always listened to the problems

Occasionally you’d ask Remus if he had anything he needed to talk about

He always said no

You slowly began to put together that he was a werewolf though

it became crystal clear after he had to intervene during the boggarts lesson and you saw his boggart

You waited till it was just you and him and you asked how he was feeling

He realized you knew and you assured him that you wouldn’t say anything

He admitted a lot to you to be honest

He told you how he was attacked as a child and he told you he was always terrified he’d hurt someone he loved

You became determined to help him or any student that might need it and uhm

Became an Animagus

Mcgonagall registered you don’t worry

You could turn into a dog btw, you were like Sirius except your fur was white

Fred was surprised that his girlfriend was this wizarding BADASS

You literally became known as the “white wolf” and it was kind of epic

You actually did help Remus out occasionally

You were kind of sad when Remus left but you and Fred ended up staying with the Potters for the summer

Remus was so excited to see his favorite person

Fun fact: because you could turn into a wolf the Marauders called you “Pup” and it was adorable

Fred loved seeing you geek out over books with Remus

In his head he just knew already you were the one

The triwizard tournament went down with Cedric being the champion for Hogwarts

Cedric admitted to the group that he was TERRIFIED of this competition so you were all cheering him on

The other school did have a couple of students who checked out the group

The Durmstrang students were not a fan of emotions so not many of them stayed

The Beauxbatons however had a ton of students who did stay

That’s when the group discovered Fred also spoke French?

According to Fred “There was a book, I was truly bored because Y/n wasn’t out of class yet and I wanted to know the hype over books”

To which Draco gaped and asked “So you learned FRENCH!?”

You teased him and said “Well shit, and you do that while I’m gone for like an hour, I wonder what would happen if I left you for a week”

he pulled you into his arms and said “DON’T YOU DARE”

You got really close to Fleur and Gabrielle especially though

You taught them how to speak better English and they taught you French

That fucking dance class came around and the group quickly discovered: YOU CANNOT DANCE

“It is not my fault my chicken legs have like zero coordination” you whined against Fred

“Wellllll technically--” “Shut it.”

Fred of course asked you to go to the Yule and your response was “Babe, I’m dating you, it’s implied that I was going with you but I appreciate the conformation”

You came downstairs that night and HOLY FUCK

Fred nearly dropped at the sight of you

He actually almost cried actually

You kissed him and told him he looked handsome

He was whispering adorable compliments all night to you

George and you danced at one point and he told you “Y’know, you and Fred might not be married but you are definitely like a sister to me”

You almost cried

Fred gave you a promise ring later when you were alone and you nearly broke down crying because you truly loved this boy

You two being inseparable after that

Cedric was fREAKING OUT later because of the last trial

you calming him down

You watching it with the last group

“Honestly this whole competition has just been the audience waiting except for the dragons... It’s quite boring.” Draco yawned

I mean... He wasn’t wrong

Cedric won

You were so happy for him and he was super hyped that he won

But he did something strange

He gave the money to Fred and George

“Cedric we can’t take this--” “I owe it to you guys, please just take the God damn check before I go all Hufflepuff on your ass”

You and Fred going to the Burrow for the summer and having the best time

You meeting Bill and him telling Fred “She’s the one for you man”

Charlie also meeting you and saying the exact same thing

Fred sitting down and talking to his parents saying “Look. After graduation I’m proposing to Y/n, any objections?”

Arthur and Molly being COMPLETELY ON BOARD

Going to school and having a good last year

The group having dance parties occasionally to get the feelings out

You did do a strangely cathartic exercise with them of taking cheap plates, writing your darkest secrets on them and then LAUNCHING IT AT THE WALLS

Everyone being kind of sad because you and Fred were leaving after this year and they weren’t ready for you to go

Placing Neville and Luna as the next two to take over the group after you two graduated

Molly mailing you Christmas sweaters before you came for the Christmas break

You waking up on Christmas morning and sitting in front of the fireplace with Fred while he had his arm around you

Dancing in the snow with him just because you feel like it

Accidentally calling Molly mum and her hugging you telling you to just call her that from now on

Lot of crying when you finally did graduate

lot of it.

You going back to the Burrow and Fred listening to you talk about how “The future’s in our hands now, we can literally do anything” and him doing something

He proposed

You cried

Said yes, but cried

You and Fred got married that summer and the group all went

Ron told you he was glad to have you as an older sister and you SOBBED

Ginny told you the same thing-- you also cried at that

You helped the boys open the joke store and worked there until you completed a psychology degree

You became Hogwarts’ guidance councilor

Then you found out you were pregnant after nearly puking on a student

Fred coming to the school because he heard you got sick

Damn it, he was taking care of his wife

“Baby, are you okay!?” He asked.

“Uhm... Yyeaahh about that”

You told him

He cried

He was kissing your face and telling you that he was so happy

You have a daughter: Adelaide Molly Weasley

She is a damn daddy’s girl that’s for sure

But my god does she love her uncle George

Taglist: @amhyeah @newtaholic-staygold @bbeauttyybbx @fleurho

#fred weasley x reader #fred weasley x you #fred weasley

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norcalbruja · 3 years ago

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Things are not ideal for me right now

What’s up, so I had yet another argument with my mom today. I had to go lie down and vent about it to the spirits. I ended up begging them to find SOME way to get my writing off the ground, so I could move into my own place by the end of the year. Then I can finally be alone and not get constantly reminded by people that I'm bad at housework, and remembering stuff, and all those “regular people” things that my mom and sister are just fine with.

Because LUCKY ME, I live in California where a regular fucking 1-to-2-bedroom house can cost a million dollars or MORE now. And while writing and theater has never been easy, it’s been especially bad with the pandemic.

I wore myself out a couple years ago by trying to get my writing noticed the regular way with social-media, and eventually I quit posting much about my work because I barely got any readers AT ALL, let alone people who give me feedback like I kept begging them to. (GUESS HOW MAD I WAS when I found out that literally all of the “standard” marketing advice is bullshit. I spammed Tumblr and Twitter and Facebook for nothing, isn’t that great???)

So yeah, while I vastly advocate trying mundane options before asking the spirits for help, I don’t know how I can get a writing career or earn a million dollars the “mundane” way, especially not in these times.

Which led me, in my “desperate / enraged” double-whammy of a bad mindset, to go and ask Laho the moon-eater for help.

This is not the first time. I asked him in February because I was just fucking TIRED of being stuck at home and having my writing going nowhere, and how asking the other spirits just doesn’t seem to be working.

---

So for context: Laho the Moon-Eater is a dragon in Filipino / Tagalog mythology. He causes eclipses by coming out of the deep ocean and trying to eat the sun/moon. He actively dislikes when I call him a “god” because he insists that the anito/gods have to CARE ABOUT PEOPLE, regardless of power-level, and he is a DRAGON.

He acknowledges that dragons frequently overlap WITH gods, especially in Asian / Filipino mythology, but he told me that it’s a case-by-case thing and sometimes dragons just identify as Level 10 Nature-Spirits. Which is kind of trippy when Laho constantly takes human form and looks/acts almost like Dark Bakura, what with his long white hair, his deathly pale skin, and his dickish and blunt personality. He also has a glowing “aura” that none of the other anito seem to have, even the actual sun and moon deities. I think it's either “deep-sea bio-luminescence” or “side-effects from constantly trying to eat the sun/moon.”

And uh. That comparison to DARK Bakura is not an idle one, because for me, Laho is almost on Loki levels of "Engage With Heavy Caution.” Loki and I barely get along after several years of not being able to stand each other, and after one piece of advice from Loki that went So Damn Badly, he told me we can have a do-over later on. Laho is just damn unpredictable because sometimes he comes over to tell me about stuff, but sometimes he drags me out of my meditation without even asking “hey are you busy??? I found something cool!” first.

On the other hand, Laho is not a proper “Trickster” like Loki is, so he’s not trying to curse me or anything. That involves caring enough about one random, half-trained spirit-worker to like... intentionally damage her, and Laho Does Not Care About People.

Keep in mind that while I am NOT doing formal “magic / spellwork,” thank the gods, general consensus from the other spirits is “Do Not Try This At Home.” Fuck, now that I've calmed down, *I* don’t even like asking Laho for basic goals, but... I don’t know who else I can ask.

The rest of it is behind the “Read More” heading for heavy desperation, depression, and Not Safe For Work subjects.

---

So today after my latest argument with Mom, I went to my room to lie down and get a grip on my Seething Rage And Desperation, but as mentioned before, I just ended up begging the spirits, “GET ME OUT OF HERE, PLEASE. I JUST WANT A HOUSE AND AN ART CAREER. GET ME OUT OF HERE, PLEASE, I’M BEGGING YOU.”

And my attempts to calm down didn’t work so much that Spirit-Me’s heart just... split open from the stress, apparently. The last time that happened was when I was high as hell on a whole weed cookie, and I started thinking the world was going to end. (Long story short, that was Loki’s Extremely Bad Advice. Yes, the spirits remembered that. No, they were not happy that I was sober this time.)

So there’s Spirit-Me, screaming and bleeding all over the damn place while Odin and the other spirits are trying to 1) stitch me back up and 2) assure me that I’m not a TOTAL failure, but I was not in the space to listen, so once I was mostly-not-bleeding, I just ran off to the spirit-ocean and found Laho.

Generally when I’m desperate enough to ask Laho for help, I end up having sex with him as a trade.

Because, at risk of repeating myself, I’m broke. In a lot more ways than “money.” I’m say I’m a half-trained spirit-worker, but if you count FILIPINO spirit-work, it’s even less. I barely even speak Tagalog, so I wouldn’t know any spells or high-end offerings to give the spirits. I don’t know what the fuck else I can trade for help, besides having sex.

I don’t even have an altar to put offerings ON, because my mom’s place has a Catholic altar and I sure as hell won’t leave food meant for pagan spirits there. I share my regular food with the spirits, and then I eat it after a few minutes.

But like... remember how Spirit-Me’s heart just split open from stress, and how I was about to have sex, which is generally Very Strenuous in both worlds? Yeah, not only did my heart split back open, I’m pretty sure me and Laho didn’t do anything resembling “spiritual foreplay” either, because Spirit-Me started bleeding down there, too.

And it’s like, Laho is not a good role model for the MORAL side of “a crying woman is asking me for help and trying to have sex,” but the Filipino spirits are extremely open about sex by itself. Even Laho prides himself on having REALLY good sex if someone comes up to him for it, because humans and involved spirits are the ones who mess shit up with “feelings” and “consent” and “maybe this isn’t a good idea.”

But he knows that humans shouldn’t be leaking gallons of blood, so once that started, he stopped. And then he assured the extremely angry anito that he only knows why I’m bleeding from ONE place, but he didn’t expect that much, and the chest wound is not from him.

Spirit-Me was now slightly WORSE than when I started—my chest hurt and my downstairs half hurt, and while I was flailing in a pool of my own blood, and begging the spirits for a steady income and a basic house, my mouth started bleeding, so now Orifice #3 Is Leaking Too Much Red Stuff.

So, I needed Freyja AND Brighid to come fix it. Brighid says that my issues are manifesting as “spiritual ulcers.” Freyja has gently advised me that given the shit that happened today, I should avoid spirit-intercourse for the next few days and seriously take it easy for other types of sex.

And weirdly enough, once everyone cleared out to give me a break from the events, the Morrigan came up and told me that she loved me, and I could ask her for help if I wasn’t too tired. She also told me that she is the goddess of sovereignty, and I don’t ask her for nearly enough things. So... yeah, I asked her for help with getting an art career and buying my own house, so I could help fix the damn planet by the end of this year, 2021.

See, the Morrigan is my patron goddess and she has been extremely hands-off in the past few years. While she DOES relegate herself to “spiritual bodyguard for the squishy writer,” sometimes she comes up and tells me she loves me, unprompted. Especially when I’m... not in a good space AT ALL, like today.

I wonder if my soul is dying, or in a LOT of trouble. Honestly, I’m not surprised. I told the spirits a while back that my soul will die if I’m stuck in this rut for much longer, where I’m not a successful artist, and so I have to live with my family, who I can’t really get along with.

I'm not good at anything besides art. Either my head just doesn’t fucking work properly for most jobs, or random shit goes wrong with basic tasks, or I end up hating the job and wishing that I could just DO ART FOR A LIVING.

The only way I can see to fix things is get an art career and move into my own place, so I don’t bother anyone and they don’t have to deal with my weirdness. But HOW THE FUCK am I gonna find a million dollars for a basic house, when I can’t even get enough people to read my stuff???

And that, followers, is why I'm up at midnight after exhausting Spirit-World shenanigans.

#spirit-work #Filipino mythology #long post #personal gnosis #unverified personal gnosis #paganism #irish paganism #anito

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foxfire-midnight-wings-writing · 4 years ago

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The Sky Burns with Fire

Second part of the Spider Virgil series!

For those of you who enjoyed these so far, this is going to be part of a series! You can find the series under the fanfic masterlist, if you’re interesting in looking at that one too. If you’d like to talk more about this AU, you can send me an ask at @foxfire-and-midnight-wings or on here.

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[Fanfic Masterlist]

Warnings: Hinted panic attack, mention of spider traits, anxious/depressive/intrusive thoughts, mental breakdowns, self-blame/self-hate, unhealthy coping mechanisms, allusion to self-harm, overworking/overexertion and mention of the collapse that happens afterward,

[Argument Aftermath]

- - - -- - - -- - - -- - - -

Virgil goes into his room to see Janus and Remus already there, the former who looks pretty guilty

Virgil is still shaking, and when Janus sees the state he’s in, his guilt increases by tenfold

Both Janus and Remus back off to give him space, and Janus ask Virgil if he wants them to leave

“Please, don’t.” “... Alright, but if you change your mind, please let us know.”

Virgil goes into his side bathroom and takes off his makeup, and then changes into his hoodie that Remus made specifically to let his spider legs through too

He goes out and climbs into his hanging hammock, and just curls up underneath the covers for a while

He has to forcefully remind himself to do the 4-8-7 exercise, which he is very thankful about because it helps him try to get his mind off of what happened

His anxiety keeps throwing thoughts through his head that he knows aren’t true, but it still made it hard for him to focus at times

Janus makes them all some tea, and starts to try and make Virgil a snack to eat

Remus remembers about how Virgil would sometimes have worse panic attacks if he was around others in a quiet room, so he starts to hum really loud

Janus eventually joins him, and after a couple minutes they’re both quietly singing an abundance of different musical songs

The singing mixed with the breathing exercise helps Virgil have something else to distract him from his thoughts. He was tempted to blast music through his headphones to try and drown out the anxious thoughts, but once Remus started humming he decided against it

After around 30 minutes, Virgil is calm enough to come back down, and he takes the tea gratefully

It’s silent for maybe a minute, before Janus apologizes

He goes on to say that he knows they all said Virgil’s name was something that could be talked about and revealed, but that the situation was not the best place to say it.

“I know that this entire situation was agreed upon so we could help the others not know about our friendship, and so they wouldn’t question you about us. By making it an intentional topic of ‘tension’, it would deter them from asking about us, and in turn would prevent them from asking about your spider traits. But if you want us to stop or to bring back the intensity, please let us know. I know that the acting can get intense, and that it may feel too real at times, and I want you to know that it’s okay if we need to change our plans.”

He goes on to say that he knows Virgil may need time away from them after some of their “arguments” to help calm down, and that it’s perfectly okay with both him and Remus.

Virgil is just sitting here drinking his tea after the first 5 minutes of this internally going “alright, okay, I know.”

After Janus is done with his long talk, Virgil just looks him in the eyes and goes “bitch”

At first, Janus isn’t sure how to react. Because he just spent over five minutes telling Virgil that if he needed the plan to change, it was perfectly fine with them. And the first thing Virgil says is “bitch.”

There’s like. A moment of silence before Janus just goes “Does that mean okay?? What????”

Virgil starts laughing at this, before nodding

The whole reason Virgil is doing this, which Janus and Remus catch onto, is because he’s scared to confront the problem in a serious talk due to his anxiety

It isn’t even the fact that he doesn’t want to talk about it, no, he really wants to!

But his anxiety just keeps screaming “serious talk = bad”

He doesn’t even know why, but that’s why he tries joking. Almost as a way to lift the atmosphere a little and to help him calm down a little bit

They spend a couple more minutes joking around a little before Remus goes “Seriously though, Virge, if you need us to stop we can.”

After that, they actually start to talk about it

Much to Virgil’s reluctance, because his anxiety is constantly screaming at him. Fears about them wanting to leave him, hating him, and them telling him they don’t want to be friends anymore swirl around in his head

(What if they want to use this as a cover-up to stop talking to me? What if they’re using it as a way to try and tell me they hate me? To let me down gently? What if, what if, what if-)

They agree that they’ll continue the plan (much to Janus’ reluctance because he still feels bad), and they will meet up after every argument to talk about what was said and how to move forward.

Janus keeps reiterating to them both that if they need a break after an argument that it’s fine and they just need to say so.

Janus makes them some halloween themes cookies with Virgil’s help, and Remus decorates (after he promises to only use icing)

Virgil admits while eating the cookies that the name reveal did make him a little anxious, but that he knew it was one of the topic that would come up eventually (even if it wasn’t from Remus or Janus)

He says that he just needed the time in his hammock to recharge mentally and to calm down a little

He doesn’t blame Janus, and just says that it “gives him more of a reason to be on bad terms with the ‘dark sides’”

Basically, he says “it’s cool, it just sped up the other sides being uncomfortable talking about you two around me”

Eventually, they eat an actual meal before going to hang out in Janus’s room underneath his heat lamp

They all accidentally fall asleep there, but none of them mind (it’s not the first time they did this)

(But they always make sure to not let ⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛ know what’s going on. No one bothers to try telling him what happened.)

[How is Patton after all of this?]

well, Patton is very clearly wrecked.

He doesn’t take well the fact that Virgil was hiding something like that from them. Why? Because he worries that Virgil didn’t feel safe enough around them to say his real name and that they just pressured him into saying it

He feels bad because this was revealed and knows that Virgil is probably taking the reveal as bad as him

Which makes him feel guilty because he feels like he shouldn’t be feeling this bad because it wasn’t him who had a secret revealed after a huge argument

Needless to say, he cries more than a few tears

He slowly starts to get some intrusive depressive thoughts

Mainly, self-hatred and blame

He starts to blame himself for what happened, for not being able to stop it. He basically ends up arguing with himself over the entire situation

‘You should’ve done more, now look what happened. Virgil and Janus are both hurt, Virgil had a secret revealed and is probably having a panic attack over it, and you’re not even there to comfort him. What kind of father are you if you’re not even able to be there for your family?’

‘No, there wasn’t anything I could do to stop it. They were already too far gone when I tried to intervene.’

‘Oh? Then why didn’t you intervene earlier?’

‘...’

‘Why didn’t you stop them sooner? Why didn’t you?’

‘I-... I don’t know...’

‘That’s a lie. You know exactly why. You just won’t admit it.’

‘Shut up. You’re not real, and you’re wrong. That wasn’t why’

‘Ah, but you know why, you just admit it. You just don’t want to face it.’

‘You were scared. But of who?’

‘See, that’s the thing! I don’t have a reason to have been scared.’

‘But you still didn’t do anything. You could’ve, but you didn’t. You were scared. You were a coward,’

‘Shut up! Just shut up!’

Patton, unlike Virgil or Remus, doesn’t have any way he’s found to fully drown the voice in his head out. He tries music, but it rarely works.

It’s a good thing that they’re not real, otherwise he definitely would’ve damaged his hearing by how loud he would play it.

There’s one other way that he’s tried to get it to stop but... he really doesn’t want to resort to that. He knows it’s unhealthy, and he really hates doing it

But sometimes it feels like it’s the only escape

So this time, when he spends 10 minutes blasting his music through his earbuds at maximum volume and the thoughts are still racing through his head, he makes up his mind

He takes off his earbuds and turns his phone off before locking his door. After all, he doesn’t want anyone to find out what he’s about to do

[How is Roman?]

He’s not taking it well. Like, at all. And that’s putting it lightly

He feels extremely mad at himself, but he feels overwhelming anger at Janus

‘How could he just say that?! Has he no pride or respect?’

Hidden underneath all the layers of anger, is guilt, shame, and fear

He blames himself for Virgil hiding his name, and he fears that his nicknames and teasing was actually taken seriously

He knows it probably wasn’t, considering Virgil often engaged in the banter and they rarely got into an actual argument. Most of the time they were small, teasing arguments.

He fears that what he perceived as fun banter was actually being taken seriously and to heart. And that scares him most of all

Following the guilt of the possible miscommunication is shame

‘I’m the hero, I should’ve realized it was making him uncomfortable! And I should’ve seen if he was truly hurt by it,’ he thinks, ‘But I’m not, am I? There’s bound to have been signs that he was taking it seriously, but if I don’t really know him as well as I thought, how could I expect those little cues that I’m familiar with to have been true?’

‘Just how much was shown, but brushed off? Did I really fail to notice all of this for so long?’

After this, the anger is quickly drown out by the overwhelming guilt and shame.

It only takes a few more minutes for the tears to start to fall

Distantly, he wonders what else Virgil felt he had to hide from them just to avoid being ridiculed or hurt

The crying slowly morphs into a full-blown mental breakdown.

It lasts maybe 15, maybe 30 minutes. He’s not fully aware of how much time passes, but he knows that afterwards he is exhausted.

He takes a good 4 to 5 hour nap after he finishes, the mental and physical drain having finally taken its toll and making him basically pass out

When he wakes up, he still feels just as drained as before, but now he has a headache to accompany it

He feels super shitty, but knows that Virgil probably was also having a rough time with his anxiety and was probably worried that they would think of him differently, so he makes up his mind on what to do

After all, he couldn’t tell how much time had really passed (and was frankly too tired to bother checking), so he rules out trying to go to the Imagination

Normally, when he needed something to distract himself with, or he needed to let out some pent-up anger, he would go into the Imagination. He didn’t always go there, but when the thoughts were all-consuming and he needed a physical outlet, the Imagination was the best coping mechanism he could find

He knew it was much better than any other possibly more harmful alternatives (but he sometimes still succumbed to them. Not often, but sometimes he couldn’t help it.)

While his weren’t obvious in how they were harmful, if you saw how he looked afterwards you could tell it was hurting him.

What did he do?

He overworked himself.

Painting until his fingers hurt too much to move, making music on different instruments until his mouth hurt and his fingers refused to move in time, creating drawings until his tools broke or his hand hurt too much to continue, dancing until he collapsed, the list goes on.

Basically, he worked himself until he either was in too much pain to continue or until he collapsed

In addition to all this, he didn’t want his creations to see him like this, or worse, be influenced by his state. That would only lead to disaster, and he knew that from experience.

What he decides to do isn’t much better than what he normally would’ve, but he’s going to make a large painting with Virgil’s full name displayed and a bunch of different designs around it

Storm clouds, purple and black striped hearts, gothic architecture, spider webs, etc.

He promises himself not to work himself to the point he normally would’ve, just to make sure no one else noticed. He wanted to give Virgil something to help him know that he’s loved and appreciated

If Virgil saw him absolutely wrecked because of it? He knew that Virgil would just blame himself for it

So he gets to work on the painting, which is huge.

Like, it’s probably ~8 by ~6 feet. Like I said, it’s huge

And he basically holes himself up there for multiple hours. He doesn’t bother checking the time, he just wants this done and to be the best it can be

Which, honestly, isn’t good. He almost works himself down like he normally would, but then he stops to think about what to do as a “break”

He doesn’t want to stop being productive because he hates the feeling of not doing anything, or having anything to focus on, and he knows that if he is left alone with his thoughts he will probably spiral again

So he goes to Logan to ask if there’s anyone famous in history with the name Virgilius, hopefully someone with written works so he can put different quotes there

He’s rewarded with Logan’s research (but he’s too caught up in his own work to notice how frazzled Logan looks) and goes to add on little quotes from the poets Publius Vergilius Maro and Virgil Carianopol, along with the writer Virgil the Grammarian

It takes him another couple of hours to figure out which quotes he wants to find, because he wanted some that he felt Virgil would like, which was fairly hard at times.

It helped give his hands a little bit of a break, but honestly? Not much. Instead of drawing and painting, they were typing. He considers it a break, though, so that’s what matters to him.

He finished the painting, at last, and finally looks at the time

Turns out he spent almost a full 24 hours just on the painting and research. He knows that it’s probably not good that he completed such a large project in such a short amount of time, but he’s just glad it’s done

[What about Logan? How is he coping with all of this?]

Logan is the definition of unhealthy coping mechanisms

He writes down Virgil’s full name and starts to research anything and everything relating to the name

Astronomy, philosophy, psychology, everything.

he writes down every single person and makes sure to take time after he writes down all their names to actually look into them as people, and not just their works.

This is how he copes a lot of the time, actually

He tries to drown out the thoughts in his head threatening to make him finally break distract himself by finding out different or unusual facts about anything he can

This leads to him often researching and theorizing about the most obscure things. For example, once he was going down the rabbit hole fo snake research and started wondering just how much of the stuff he had found out applied to Janus. Could he unhinge his whole jaw, or at leas the snake part? Could his snake mouth even open? Did he have fangs? Venom?

(it wasn’t because Janus just revealed his name after he was forcefully silenced in an episode, and he couldn’t face the fact that it had actually happened just yet, it wasn’t.)

So, that’s how he was coping. The problem with his method is that he tended to get... too into what he was researching

This means that he often neglected anything else that wasn’t his work. If he wasn’t researching, he was planning and graphing, and if he wasn’t doing any of that? You could probably find him doing his own experiments in his room

(Some of which could get dangerous and explode, but that was the point, wasn’t it?)

The other sides call this his “Scientist Mode”, because they’ve caught him in the middle or at the end of the time he did this enough times that they just thought it was part of him being ‘logic’

They failed to look anywhere past that, but if they looked just a little closer, they would’ve seen what it had done to him.

To be fair, he was really good at covering it up. After all, when you’re an actor you have to use logic to figure out the best way to either hide something, or to highlight it

Many people, and even the other sides themselves, seemed to forget how much logic you have to use when acting and preforming

Sure, you do have to use creativity and you are essentially lying to the audience, but you also have to know how humans work to get the correct points across.

So anyways, Logan is also a really good actor, but instead of pretending to be happy like Patton or self-assured like Roman, he focuses on hiding all his emotions from the others

Which also means hiding anything he knows may cause them to be concerned for him

Hiding dark circles, straightening and ironing his clothes when he actually slept in them, standing straight instead of slouched down, etc.

He knows exactly how to hide all the details that the others would look for when trying to make sure he’s okay, and that’s what can get so dangerous

Because no one sees the exhaustion pulling at his bones, the way his mind is hazy and barely there, or the way that he takes maybe a second to long to respond

But if they looked close enough, they could see the glazed and distant look in his eyes. The way his movements were a little too stiff or a little too slow. Some of the smallest, but still noticeable details

Only two sides have confronted him about it, the third watching with silent concern. But he convinced them not to say anything. So they offer him a place to rest and recover, but they all three know that if they say something to the other sides, no one will listen

Maybe that’s what makes them reach out to him. Maybe it was something else

But those three sides are not there to see what he’s doing. They’re not there to see the mess he’s slowly becoming and the way he is throwing himself into his work this time

Which also means that there’s no one there to stop him and make him take a break

So, internally grateful that they’re not here to pull him away from his work, he dives headfirst into the research

Hours pass, and he hasn’t slowed down in the slightest. His hand starts to cramp, but he ignores it. They’re not real, so it shouldn’t hurt him in the long run.

He knows it’s not healthy, but he can’t bring himself to stop

He doesn’t get anything to eat or drink, opting to stay in his room. ‘It’s to maximize productivity’ he tells himself

Sometimes he wonders if this is the reason why Thomas has such a hard time getting and staying on a schedule

He does this more than he’d ever willingly admit, and he knows that it’s not good. So he limits himself to 5 hours at the max on days or nights when they have something important coming up.

After countless hours of research, when his hands are screaming in pain and barely able to move anymore, Roman comes to his door asking for his help

“I need anything you have on famous writers or poets with the name Virgilius. Don’t ask why yet, just please give me anything you’ve got.”

“How do you know I’ve got anything?”

“Logan, you’re surrounded by papers. Plus, this is an important reveal, I wouldn’t be surprised if you heard his name and geeked out because it matched the name of someone you know existed.”

“Okay, and?”

“And, while I probably would do that too, I need the name and information you can give me. It’s for a project.”

“... Fine”

Logan makes copies of his notes and hands Roman the papers he thinks would be helpful for whatever it is he’s doing, but makes sure to try and cover up the exhaustion and pain in his body and voice.

Luckily for him, Roman grabbed the papers and ran back to his room immediately afterwards, not even sparing him a second glace

He secretly wishes that he had. Wishes he noticed the pain he was in and forced him to take a break, while helping keep him distracted still.

But he knows that won’t happen, so he turns back to his computer and gets back to work

No one sees him leave his room for the next 36 hours

Only three people grow concerned, but they know they can’t talk to him about it because they worry it would make his situation worse. They know he was using it to get his mind off what recently happened, so they knew that seeing any of them would only remind him of what he was trying to ignore

All of them, even Logan himself, know that he’ll have to face it eventually. But something about having a lot of knowledge and facts about a situation is comforting to him. So, he continues to work until he passes out, at which point he knew he couldn’t put off facing what had happened

[What about the last side, ⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛?]

He doesn’t care much for what’s happening, honestly

Janus, Remus, and Virgil always ignore him and try to keep him away from everyone as much as possible

He doesn’t really know exactly what’s going on, but he has a vague idea due to over hearing Remus talking once

He also had heard Janus shush him as soon as he started speaking, not wanting ⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛ to know what was happening

The other ‘light sides’ know who he is, but make sure to avoid him at all costs... well, they knew him at one point

He hasn’t seen some of them in so long, he wouldn’t be surprised if one or more of them forgot he existed

Correction: he wouldn’t be surprised if they forgot who he is. He knows that they remember what he is

All in all, ⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛’s not really involved much in this. He doesn’t really care about it either way

[Why was Virgil's name such a big deal?]

As we've seen, names are usually something that aren't given away immediately

For Virgil, when he was giving them his name, it was a sign of trust

Now, everyone's reactions may seen to have been... Over the top, right? A little dramatic, maybe, or too much?

The reason all of this happened though, wasn't just because of his name

It was because this was just one small part, the tipping point, of a longer series of events

By the time that Virgil and Janus finally got into an argument, tensions had already been running high between them

Not only had the events of Selfishness v Selflessness been a trainwreck on their own

Add in the fact that tensions continued to rise between the sides afterward? It’s a recipe for disaster to occur eventually

The Roman, Logan, and Patton had been forced to watch as things slowly started to spiral out of control

For Patton, this means he kept having doubts and insecurities that slowly piled up

He always feels like he needs to be the "more responsible side" because he knows Thomas listens to him the most, and that was something that affected him a lot during the courtroom scenes

He tries to be the best he can, even if that means trying to repress the negative feelings and thoughts he has, but he still doesn’t feel like it’s enough

And while they did have the talk earlier in the series about Patton's repression, that doesn't mean he immediately stopped

After repressing things for so long, you get into the habit of hiding it. You make it your default, and that's an incredibly hard habit to break

The problem is, no one else has realized that, while Patton said he would try, he is still repressing things. Which leads to his doubts, insecurities, and stress multiplying exponentially

For Roman, he had insecurities about his creations and placement among the other sides

Knowing that Virgil hid something considered so important from all of them?

Not only does it hurt, it feels like a stab in the chest of 'you're the reason he doesn't trust everyone'

No one else has noticed his self-destructive tendencies because he always makes sure to hide everything behind the egotistical persona he uses

Both Patton and Roman struggle with feeling like they're not good enough

They feel like they have to be perfect in everything they do, hence Patton's repression and Roman trying to always "be the hero", even when it hurts them more in the end

For Logan, he already has struggled with his emotions for a while. Having this event just makes some of his coping a little more obvious in its detriment

He is another example of the sides not realizing another one of them is hurting, mainly because they've been doing it for so long that they thought that was normal for them

Hell, Logan knows it's bad for his health, but because he's always preaching about good routines, everyone assumes he knows what he's doing

(Note: he doesn't. He hides his emotions so much from the others that when he gets like this, it's everything coming out all at once. There's just too much that he repressed that when it finally breaks through he can't do anything to stop it)

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quickspinner · 5 years ago

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All That’s Best of Dark and Bright

This little one shot was the first thing I published on AO3 in August of last year so it will always have a special place in my heart. I’d been out of the fanfic game for a couple of years and I was super nervous about it at the time.

It takes them half the day to get the boat ready for Juleka’s birthday party. She wants something fun and low key but also pretty. Marinette, Rose, and Mylène come early to help her and Luka sighs and rolls his eyes, but he doesn’t really mind as he drops his hoodie on a bench and joins in, helping Juleka and her small decorating crew clear the deck, hang paper lanterns and fairy lights, performing some minor miracles to get everything arranged and plugged in without blowing half the circuits on the boat.

Marinette is there from the beginning, directing the swags of purple cloth trimmed with black lace that they’re hanging from the rails, covering strategic areas of clutter with drop cloths he’s pretty sure she sewed herself. He’s aware of her always, whether he’s looking at her or not, and he follows her directions with smiles and good humor. She beams with excitement, bouncing in place a little as it all starts to come together and his heart breaks just a little bit, like it always does in her presence, but it’s a healthy pain, the kind that reminds you that you’re alive, and he doesn’t mind it.

Juleka’s slow smile when they’re done is worth the ache in his muscles and the fifteen minutes he spent hanging nearly upside down in the rigging to get the last string of lights just right. The girls disappear downstairs to get ready and Luka gets a break. He sits on the edge of the stage with his guitar and plays, not caring that he’s plugged in to the big amp and his music is pouring through the huge speakers over his head. They’ve turned the system down just for tonight, so they don’t deafen Juleka’s classmates, but he knows they can hear him below. He plays Juleka’s favorites, knowing she will call him a sap later. It’s her birthday, so he won’t mind.

Once the girls emerge, he goes below for a quick shower and change of clothes, just to get rid of the sweat and grime he’s accumulated during the decorating. Still, he doesn’t bother dressing up, he’s just the big brother after all and while Juleka would never exclude him, this party’s not for him. He puts on the first clean pair of jeans that come to hand and the least ripped t-shirt he can find, and retrieves his hoodie as he goes back up on deck.

Now there’s not much for him to do but hang back and watch and greet their mutual friends as they come on board. He doesn’t know that many of Juleka’s classmates outside of the band, but they seem like good people. They mingle and eat and here and there pockets of laughter erupt, and Juleka is smiling. Marinette comes to talk to him more than once, quick, casual conversations. Luka wonders if she even realizes the way she moves through the party, connecting people, starting conversations, making sure no one feels left out—including him.

Their mother’s booming laugh announces the special-ordered Dupain-Cheng birthday cake and she stations Juleka by the table of presents. When all the other gifts are opened it’s time for his, and he sits on the edge of the stage again and plays for Juleka as he does every year. Every year the song is a little different, but it’s always full of love and pride and shared memories, and Juleka is so full of emotion when he’s done that all she can do is punch him in the arm. Later, he knows, she will hug him until his bones creak, but that can wait until her friends are gone and it’s just the two of them below decks where no one will see them be so uncool as to appreciate their sibling.

Then there’s more food and more mingling, giggling and gossip and ribbing. Anarka makes herself scarce, letting the young people enjoy themselves without even the shadow of authority hanging over them. Luka hovers on the periphery, observing. He eats some and plays his guitar some, and plays a brief set list with the rest of the band before they turn the sound system over to Nino for the rest of the night. The DJ keeps his playlist upbeat but mellow as requested. Juleka is never very demonstrative but as she moves through her friends she radiates a quiet happiness that warms his heart. Adrien arrives late, just as the sun is setting, and Luka makes an effort to watch Marinette a little less, to mingle a little more so she won’t feel she needs to tend him. The boat becomes a flickering torch on the water as darkness falls and he takes a moment listen to the music it inspires in his mind.

When he finally looks for Marinette again he finds her sitting on one of the many draped boxes lining the rail, an empty cup and plate beside her. She’s alone for the moment but she doesn’t look lonely or depressed, just peaceful, and like the last bit of the sunset left behind in her sweet pink dress with the fairy lights over her head. He wanders over, takes her plate and cup for her, and when he returns he offers her a hand. “Dance with me, Marinette?”

She blinks up at him for a moment, looking past him to the other guests who are clearly not dancing—and then she smiles and puts her hand in his. He leads her to an empty space on the deck, twirls her once to hear her giggle, and turns her into his arms, putting one hand on her waist and raising their joined hands to the side. Their eyes connect and she falls into rhythm easily with him as they sway in simple circles.

“I want to tell you that you look beautiful tonight,” he tells her, speaking low to keep the words in the small space between them, “But I don’t want to disrespect all the work you did on your outfit. I mean, you’re not just a pretty girl in a pretty dress, it’s you, right? Part of your heart. And your heart has always been beautiful to me.” He’s still not sure he said what he wanted to, but he thinks she gets it, because she blushes and can’t meet his eyes but her smile is blinding.

“That’s a very Luka compliment,” she says at last, when she has regained enough composure to look at him again and speak without stuttering.

He chuckles through his nose. “I hope that’s a good thing.”

She hums agreement and moves a little closer. Others are joining them now and he’s selfishly pleased when her eyes only flick aside for a moment as a flash of blond slips by, Adrien and Rose giggling as he tries to teach her a simple waltz step. Luka tightens his grip on Marinette’s waist for just a moment to move her out of the way as Nino and Alya spin by with more enthusiasm than grace, and then he immediately has to move her again as Kim crashes through the impromptu dance floor on his way back to the food. She moves easily under the direction of his hands, and presses closer to him, giggling an apology as she steps on his foot.

“That was beautiful earlier, what you played for Juleka,” Marinette says.

“She’s grown a lot this year,” he replied. “I guess we both have, really.”

“It’s nice that you have each other. She’s lucky to have a brother that loves her so much. Sometimes I’m jealous of her and Alya. Sometimes I think it’d be nice to have an older brother or sister to protect me.”

Luka smiles. “You don’t need anyone to protect you, you’re doing just fine as it is, protecting yourself and everyone else too. Juleka’s big brother wasn’t the one who broke the class photo curse, for one thing.”

“No,” Marinette admits, “But Juleka’s big brother is pretty awesome anyway.” She lays her head against him, letting go of his hand to put her arms around his neck. He has to curl over her a bit so she’s not dancing on tiptoe. He takes a shaky breath and tries to hold onto his heart as he winds his arms around her waist. He treasures her trust, the comfortable way she rests in his arms, but he’s not foolish enough, or hopeful enough, or stupid enough, to believe it’s more, and that’s okay. He wants her to be happy.

He gives her up when the song is over, as Adrien pops up and brightly asks her for the next dance, clearly having a great time. Luka gets the sense he doesn’t get to go to many parties. Rose is trying to teach Juleka the steps that Adrien taught her, and Luka retreats to the rail, leaning back against it and dropping his head back to take a deep breath of cool river air. He needs a minute before he can be strong enough to watch Marinette dance with Adrien. Just a minute for himself, and then he can be happy for her.

The party doesn’t so much end as it peters out, as guests drift away. A few stay to help clean up before they drift away also. Juleka and Rose walk up toward the bow, talking quietly, and suddenly it’s just Luka and Marinette, gathering bits of trash and clutter.

She’s wearing his hoodie against the night chill, a splash of darkness over her pale dress. They work without saying much, and he hums along to the music still playing on the sound system, happy that Juleka is happy and Marinette is near.

“Luka?”

“Hmm?” He stops what he’s doing and looks up when she doesn’t continue right away.

“Will you dance with me again?” Marinette asks shyly, and that blush and that smile and those eyes will be the death of him, he’s sure.

“I’d love to,” he says a little too honestly. He turns the music up just a bit as he walks by the stereo, and then meets her in the middle of the deck.

This time his arm around her waist pulls her close, and he holds their entwined hands over his heart as she lays her head against his shoulder. He closes his eyes and just breathes her in as their feet move in slow circles.

“Are you cold?” he asks after a moment. There’s always a breeze on the river, and it tugs at their hair and clothes.

“No,” she whispers. “You?”

“I’m used to it.” He turns his head slightly, nuzzles her hair. “It’s getting late though.”

She raises her head just enough to look up at him and he realizes when he feels her breath on his lips how he’s curled over her. She’s close and she’s sweet and she’s Marinette and he wants to kiss her. His lips part to ask but then her mouth is against his and he’s not entirely sure how it happened. He thinks, from the jolt that goes through him, that she might have kissed him, but she’s clearly not sure what to do next. He tightens his arm around her and angles his face to meet her more fully and gently, slowly, moves his lips carefully over hers. He doesn’t want to scare her, doesn’t want to overstep, but she rises on her toes to pull herself closer, and he stops thinking and kisses her the way he’s always wanted to. He lets go of her hand to bury his fingers in her hair, tracing the line of her jaw with his thumb as she relaxes into his hold and melts into him. He parts from her only long enough to take a shaky breath and come back from another angle. His blood is racing in rhythm with the song her heart is singing to him and he will never, ever forget this moment, her body pressed close and her fingers flexing on his chest and the slick slide of her pink-glossed lips and the puff of her breath on his cheek.

It ends naturally, slowing just as it built, until he’s breathing the cold river air and trying to make sense of what just happened. He’s not one for overthinking but this was not something he expected tonight.

“Luka you’re shaking,” Marinette whispers, wiping her lip gloss from his mouth with her thumb.

He meant to say “It’s cold,” but what comes out is “I love you,” and his heart stops.

She knows, of course, it’s not news, but he didn’t mean to just blurt it out like that, he’s never wanted to pressure her or put her on the spot, and unconsciously he braces for the rejection he’s forced her to voice—

But she only says quietly, “I know,” and then after a moment, “Would you like to go out with me some time?”

For a moment he can only stare at her, and he takes her face in his shaking hands and tips it up so he can see her eyes, and he listens. Her cheeks heat under his hands but she only waits quietly, as if she knows what he is doing.

What he hears is honesty, trust, a little bit of fear, and a tiny trill of something else, waiting for the cue to crescendo.

“Yes,” he breathes, and her smile lights up the night before he presses his lips to hers again.

#quickspins #backlog #lukanette #lukanette one shots #i am lukanette trash i admit it #luka couffaine #marinette dupain-cheng #miraculousladybug #miraculous ladybug #ml fic

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lennox-levin-little-lilith-did · 4 years ago

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Hi again people who follow me!

I’m bored and I’ve decided to make fun facts about our DID system and the four known alters!

So before I start- Lilith has a bit of a show today, but the body was too tired for her to start anything. Like I feel asleep as soon as I got to class. The reason I know this is because of my outfit and she decided to put on lip gloss (which I never wear personally). She’s not conscious currently, none of the other three are, and I’ll get to that later!

Oh! And just so you know, this is Lennox.

👋

Let’s start with Levin!

Levin is the alter that co-cons often or will switch with me

He knows a lot about our system, but is very secretive about it so~

He is the only male alter in the system that I know of

He also goes by Levi and Lev

He likes more soft songs and songs with a good message

His favorite color is forest green

He’s the only alter that Lilith does not take her anger out on

He’s an introvert with really bad social anxiety

He hates sexual songs (so of course being me, I put two of the worst sexual songs I know in his playlist, he doesn’t know)

He has insomnia and ptsd

He’s extremely competitive when it comes to card games

He likes educating people on animals and wants to do gigs, like birthday parties and events, to teach people about reptiles and birds specifically

His favorite subject is English

He is white with blue eyes and dark brown hair. He’s thin, well more twig like, but whatever. He’s around 5’8 (two inches taller than the body)

His clothes style is baggy shirts with either baggy sweatpants or leggings. He wear plain colors, like pale blues, grays, and black. He, surprisingly, likes boots, even heeled boots

His favorite anime is... probably Durarara x2 any season

He has no sexual desires, but romantic likes girls

He’s 18

He’s very comfortable singing, he loves it. That a major way he expresses himself

His favorite song is... I think LA Devotee by P!ATD (idk why but that what he likes)

^^ What he likes to wear ^^

Next on our list is

The demon queen herself, LILITH

She is named after Adam’s first wife, the demon queen, Lilith (yes she liked to go church, but we stopped going)

She is a bisexual

She’s ageless (she has no age, or if she does she hasn’t told anyone)

She’s an absolute bitch and she knows it.

She has violent mood swings and anger issues (respectfully so)

She is also an introvert, but not because of anxiety, no it’s because she wants to strangle every single person that looks at her weird

She hates Little with the burning passion

She gets repressed the most because no one wants to be expelled from school

She likes cooking

She hates cleaning because of her ocd

She wants to pursue a culinary job

Her favorite subject is science

She rarely fronts and when she does it’s quick or someone is co-con with her (ex. What happened with aleia-clownery)

Lennox(me) has to clean up her messes as always.

Her favorite anime is... The Promised Neverland (she likes Ray a lot)

She likes aggressive songs, or songs that swear a lot

Lilith has wavy black hair with blue highlights. Her eyes are a brownish red color. She’s short, like 5’2, and likes to wear heels because of it. She’s black as well

Her favorite color is dark royal blue

Her style of clothes is black shirts with skulls on them and tight, but comfortable, pants. She also likes a certain denim dress I have

She likes drawing and doodling ways to kill people and I have to say she’s pretty good

Her favorite song is Sarcasm by Get Scared (very fitting for her)

^^ What she wishes she can wear ^^

Next is Little!

She likes to bake

She enjoys going to restaurants, specifically Asian style ones

She’s loves animals and wants to work with them so bad.

She’s an extrovert with ADHD

Little is Hispanic and on the chunky side. She has a caramel skin tone. She can understand it way better than me (Lennox) and she wants to learn Japanese and French (I’m interested in Japanese so we’re probably going to learn it)

Her favorite subject was College Writing Prep and before that was Language Arts, but the writing part of it. She really likes writing

Her favorite color is... honestly black. She likes that it matches with everything and likes the science of black too

Her favorite anime is Ouran High School Host Club (I hate it with the burning passion) her second choice is Black Butler (any season) which we allow her to watch

She likes baking and cooking, tho she prefers baking, she likes the way it calms her, I guess

Her favorite song is Voices in My Head (she listens to a lot of nightcore so I don’t the artist)

I’m not saying much else about her (I don’t want creeps harassing her)

^^ What she prefers to wear ^^

Last, and certainly least, Lennox (aka me!)-

My favorite anime is Kakegurui or... BNA... or BNHA... or Hitorjime My Hero (My Very Own Hero)... or maybe Given? Idk I like a lot of anime...

The first anime I’ve ever watched was Wolf’s Rain. I was seven I think, but it was on YouTube so I didn’t get to watch the whole thing. I recently found it, but I’m afraid to watch it lmao

I like the colors teal and turquoise, as well as blood red and jet black

I like anything P!ATD, Halsey, Imagine Dragons, Fall Out Boys, Set It Off, Alec Benjamin, OneRepublic, and Nico Collins and AJR(granted so does everyone else but 🤷)

My favorite songs are Control by Halsey and Lonely Dance by Set It Off and Don’t Threaten Me With a Good Time by P!ATD and River by Ed Sheeran and Eminem and Not Afraid by Eminem and I’m Ready by AJR and Karma by AJR... I can go on for hours, but I’mma stop here

I’m Non-binary and the only gender nonconforming alter. I’m also pansexual

I hate being touched, I hate talking to people that act ignorant, and I hate this body I’m in

I look like the body so no description for you 😝

I have anxiety and depression. Everything else I’ve been diagnosed with can really be related to DID

I’m a neutral party in everything, so when I say I don’t know, I don’t care, whatever, or not my business, I’m literally saying I have no standing or opinion in this

I like cooking, baking, organizing (not cleaning), writing, reading, doodling, and doing self introduced projects for fun

I like plaid clothing, hoodies, and pride shirts. I like sweatpants and sneakers. I also like things on my neck... it keeps me ground I guess

(Oh my god I’m writing this with Ella, right? I told her to stop clawing at the furniture, right? All of a sudden her focus is on the ground and I wiggles my toes, testing if she was looking at my feet, and I started moving them around. I told her, ‘stop looking at my feet.’ This cat, this puta, liked me in the eyes before looking back down and got in position to lunge at my feet. My heart stopped and I pulled my feet onto the couch. And she was going to do it because the moment I moved my feet, she jumped from the top of the couch she’s on... she scares me sometimes 😣)

^^ What I would wear if Lev was a little shit and let me wear pride stuff and jewelry ^^

Now-

Onto how our system works!

Levin and I co-con often. If I’m not in control, then he is

On instances where I get angry, Lilith takes control

Little co-cons with me more than everyone else because she enjoys annoying me

Lilith and Little are both so stubborn and hardheaded, it’s unbelievable. On the other hand, Levs and I are open minded and calm. So we often clash on what we should do as a collective

Lilith is a Christian, Levi and I are atheists, and Little is a Seventh Day Adventist (the religion I grew up with). However Lev and I hold more say, so we don’t go to church

I guess you could say there’s a hierarchy in the system. I have the most important say, then Lev, then Little, and lastly Lilith

Levin and I enjoy co-conning with each other only, anyone else gives us headaches

Everyone loves Nico Collins, Alec Benjamin, Set It Off, and AJR the most

Everyone’s favorite albums are Death of a Bachelor (p!atd), Cinematics (set it off), and American Beauty/American Psycho (fall out boys)

Everyone loves sushi and sushi rolls (California and Philadelphia rolls are the best)

We all really want to try takoyaki and pork Katsudon. When we do try them, I’ll probably make a post about it

We all love Ella and we all want to start a rehabilitation center of all animals and a pet cafe

We love reptiles, like all reptiles, venomous snakes included

I think there are more alters that just aren’t as prominent as the other three, Levin would know but he doesn’t like to discuss our system often

We really want to buy these specific no pierce cuff earrings

Edit: this total slipped my mind- when I’m on my red week (you know what I’m talking about) the others let me deal with it on my own, especially Little and Lev (Lev hates that week and recedes completely)

That’s all I’m willing to share about us (or that I remember)

My part was short because you guys talk to me all the time

Sincerely,

Lennox... with a sprinkle of Levin

I’m tagging some people because why not-

@one-pissed-off-child @liveto-100 @madame-ree @martinidrinkingmartin @anon-nom-nom95 @queenzie-xo @scalybunnypapi69 @gogetyoselfsomesoup (still bitter) @cristinaweeb @aleiakit @aleia-clownery (I’m still so sorry about what happened) @studiesboie @bloomyboithatemoji @pumpkineiji @penelopebakugouburrito1

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ahtohallan-calling · 5 years ago

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chapter 1 (the prologue) of true north is here!

[kristanna / t / the actual fic version of my single dad au at long last]

This wasn't how Kristoff's life was supposed to go, but he thinks he likes it better this way, anyway: sure, it's hard work running his family's coffee shop and bakery, but it's honest work that means he can afford to take care of his daughter on his own. And really, what else does he need besides that?

On the day Anna Delle walks in, he just might find out.

He assumes, at first, that it’s the concussion making everything seem strange.

“Where’s Alice?” he asked, even the sound of his own voice making his skull rattle in its-- its-- whatever the fuck it is.

“It’s not important,” Bailey says, and that’s the first weird thing, “go back to sleep.”

“I’m not tired,” he says as he frowns and elbows his way more upright in the hospital bed. “Where is she?”

“With your mom.”

“Can I use your phone to call? Mine died.”

And there’s the second, the sudden flare of fear in her too-green eyes. “Why?”

It seems obvious to him why he might want to call his mother after a scrimmage gone wrong that will definitely make the news in his sleepy hometown. Maybe it’s the concussion, maybe not, but he insists anyway. “I wanna talk to her.”

“She’s three months old.”

“I want to talk to her,” he pushes, struggling further upright even though he knows he’s about to puke again if he keeps at it. “I wanna talk to my baby.”

“Jesus, fine,” Bailey snaps, as if it’s a big imposition, and then the third weird thing is that she dials for him before handing him the phone.

“Ma,” he says, hoping that if his voice is slurred she’ll blame it on a bad connection, “Ma, hi, it’s Kristoff.”

“Kris, honey, we just saw on the news what happened,” she says, and his mom has always been his rock, and he’s glad that she at least is something steady in this day that he’s starting to think will only get worse somehow. “Do you need me to come up there?”

“Nu-uh. Where’s Alice?”

“I’m holding her right now. She’s asleep.”

“Okay. Tell her I love her when she wakes up, okay?”

“Of course. You get back to resting, now.”

That’s the plan; he feels drained already, and he’s only been awake five minutes. He hangs up the phone, and it goes to the list of recent calls, and there’s the fourth weird thing-- well, really, he realizes as he scrolls down the list, more like...shit, his head hurts too bad to count, but this is a lot of little weird things adding up to one big fat stinking terrible thing.

Bailey turns back to him from where she’s been talking to a nurse, and she must see his expression, because there’s that fear again. She opens her mouth and closes it and opens it again, but there’s no sound falling out.

Kristoff furrows his eyebrows, ignoring how it makes the knife in his head dig deeper.

“Who the fuck is Lucas?”

---

“I love you,” he whispers to the sleepy bundle in his arms. “For always.”

There are a lot of scary things in his life right now, like how he’s just quit his job and is going to have to figure out how to pay rent and bills and all the other shit without it. And how technically both their names are on the lease.

But this is the big one, that this might be his last chance to hold his little girl, and if it is, she’s not ever going to remember him at all.

(Because it doesn’t matter what the doctor says on the phone tomorrow. He loves her more than anyone or anything, even if it turns out she’s not supposed to be his. No take-backs, that was what he’d wanted to tell Bailey when she said Lucas wanted a test done. You said she’s mine and so she is.)

The apartment is quiet tonight, no buzzing electric toothbrush or singing in the shower or tapping on the phone. He guesses Lucas hears all of that now.

He kind of likes the quiet, if he’s being honest. It feels like a betrayal to admit that, but in comparison, it’s a pretty fucking small one.

Alice yawns, curls and uncurls a tiny fist. He runs a fingertip over it, smiles when she grabs on. “That’s my girl,” he says softly, leaning down as he lifts his elbow just enough that he can press a kiss to her forehead. She makes a happy little noise when he does it, and when he pulls back she’s smiling.

“I love you,” he says again, hoping that somehow in the back of her mind she’ll always know it.

---

At least Lucas was decent enough to suggest the test, to say he would step right up and take care of Alice if she was his after all. “Bailey told me she thought she was,” he admits as they tramp back down the stairs a third time. “But like...I held her a couple times when you weren’t around, and I just wasn’t seeing it, man.”

It’s weird, in Kristoff’s opinion, that a guy who’s being so honest and friendly right now would be okay with being The Other Man for a year and a half. But he doesn’t have to deal with him much longer, and the less he questions it the faster they can finish unloading the rest of the baby stuff Bailey sent over with him. It makes him feel a little sick, though, the thought that the three of them played Happy Family while he was at practice or running errands or something.

But it’s not happening again, he reminds himself, she’s just yours now, for good.

“You seem like a cool dude, though,” Lucas continues as he carries a jumbo can of formula up the stairs, followed by Kristoff with a stroller in one hand and a carseat in the other and Alice strapped to his chest. “So, uh, good luck.”

“Thanks,” Kristoff mutters, mentally adding another reason to his list of reasons why he’s glad the test came back saying definitively that Alice was a Bjorgman after all. New reason: she’s not going to be raised by a fucking moron.

(The top ten reasons are all variations on the theme of how deeply he loves her, how she’s his little girl no matter what, but number eleven is “it’d break Ma’s heart”. Number eighteen is “I already bought that baby Jack-o-lantern costume, and I don’t know if it’s more depressing to keep it or throw it out”; number thirty-four is once more, “I love her”, emphasis on the I because he knows Lucas sure as fuck doesn’t, and he’s starting to doubt that Bailey does, too.)

Alice starts to wind up into a good old fashioned tantrum just as they reach the top of the steps, and it’s right on time; that was the last load, and Lucas is the special kind of oblivious that means he’d probably stick around shooting the shit for twenty more minutes at least. Instead he hears the first wail and is already backing out the door with barely a “see you, dude”.

“Hope not,” Kristoff mutters at the closed door as he frees Alice from the carrier and pulls her close to his chest, bouncing her gently up and down as she snuffles against his neck, already calming down.

He can’t help but grin. “Did you do that on purpose, Al?” he asks her, his thumb rubbing a soothing pattern up and down her back. “Were you tired of his bullshit, too?”

And shit, maybe she’s three months old, but he thinks maybe it was on purpose. They’re a team already, and the thought fills his chest with pride.

“We’re gonna make it,” he promises her, resolution burning in every part of him. “We’re gonna do this together, alright?”

Her response is to cling to his t-shirt with a surprisingly strong grip. He’ll take that as a hell, yeah.

#OK SO BASICALLY w all the drabbles i done i skipped kristoffs backstory and then how he and anna actually got together i just went #from meet cute to established relationship so this fic is gonna fill in those blanks and then idk after that hehe #kristanna #my fics #tn #coffee shop au

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geminiloopholed · 5 years ago

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Everyone thinks Lizzie is selfish (and she can be) and that she is a horrible twin but I decided to write a drabble on her illness. Has mentions of sex (nothing graphic or ANYTHING), mania, depression, self-harm (mentions), the bullying I am just gonna post it here for now but if anyone thinks I should post it in the tags, etc well then comment? Or just let me know what you think.

I used my experience plus creative freedoms, headcanons I had for Lizzie for a long time to make this.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

I feel like I'm a snow globe and someone shook me up and now every little piece of me is falling back randomly and nothing is ending up where it used to be ― Amy Reed, Crazy

𝐀𝐫𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐚𝐧𝐞 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐦𝐞? 𝐁𝐞𝐞𝐧 𝐢𝐧 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐧 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐦𝐞?

Funny how things work from daddy working just a little too much and mommy busy searching for answers away from home, keeping it a secret that it is almost like an affair. A bunch of lies that the twins are forced to swallow down with cheap alcohol that they shouldn’t be drinking. How she should be asleep but instead she is here in this moment dancing around the room, music soft but it sounds loud in her ears. The amount of times she falls to the gym floor can be counted on how many bruises she will be covering up with makeup in the coming hours. A bloody lip and she is still going, only stopping to get some vampire blood to heal herself up (So no one will ever notice that Lizzie Saltzman isn’t perfect).

Her twin is the one that comes through the door at close to five pm and is shutting off the music. “Time to go hide in our room if you don’t want dad to worry.” It sounds like an I LOVE YOU from a siphon that barely says the worlds to the blonde. Sometimes, Lizzie wonders if maybe she could get that I love you if she just tries harder to be better. Lip curls into a smile, sweat making her clothes cling to skin and she feels a sense of pride swell up inside of her.

In the shower, she has to stop and can only smile at her razor blade because not today. not ever again.

Breakfast with her twin is with drumming fingers against her plastic cup filled with strawberry smoothie and a pancake that she eats half off before feeding the rest to a wolf that she is interested in, he is cute and has that damaged look in his eyes that Lizzie craves. Just like Josie, she wants to save a lost cause but the way she goes about it is different. Josie mother hens, Lizzie is the bad influence that will show you a good time right down to the letter

Snickers and snorts in her direction by the end of the day by Alyssa fucking Chang has her breathing fast, that witch has never been a friend of hers. When she was younger, she had been sent to the ER because of burns thanks to that witch. she doesn’t know all the damage her daddy did to that girl deep down in her subcouncious NOR does she care. The fifteen year old doesn’t five a fuck about the other’s wedgie trauma or lacktherefore of. In the bathroom, splashing water on her face and Josie holding her hair back as she vomits. It hurts when she is finished, her throat and stomach both ache from overuse and yet she still wishes there was more to throw up because she can avoid the other that way. Josie getting a paper towel for her twin.

“Thanks,” Lizzie whispers, shaking fingers grip an edge and wipe at her mouth, breathing in air that is hardly calming but she forces herself to fake it. “Go be with Satan.” Two more months and the Satan/God’s angel will be broken up and Lizzie will have her twin back. She is a blackhole of love and energy and it is pushing her twin away for the moment so she can handle shit herself even if that makes it a bigger deal.

𝐀𝐫𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐡𝐢𝐠𝐡 𝐞𝐧𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐌𝐚𝐫𝐲 𝐉𝐚𝐧𝐞 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐦𝐞?

No one warns you about the lack of sleep, about how sleeping three hours can feel like you slept all night long. How you can still go running around the school in the crisp fall air and be just fine.

Everyone is complaining about not sleeping and Lizzie just sits there, foot shaking feeling ALIVE and more important then anyone else, so much that she shot her mouth off and said maybe if you weren’t busy fucking David or whatever the night before you wouldn’t be so tired. Her best friend, one besides Josie ends their friendship right then and there and Lizzie doesn’t give a damn because she is BETTER OFF WITHOUT HER.

No one tells you that you feel ontop of the world but end up alone because being alone on top is nothing. Kings and Queens never knew who to trust either and they ended up being bad asses, marked down in history and that is what Lizzie wants, to be in the history books that kids read about seventy years from now when she is dead.

Life is fine even if it means skipping lunch to go walk around the halls for the thirty minute break listening to music in her head, the tune all jumbled and doesn’t make sense but whatever.

𝐃𝐨 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐭𝐞𝐚𝐫 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟 𝐚𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐭𝐚𝐢𝐧 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐦𝐞?

Just sex? How does one feel being in a state and having their first time in the fall air and when the boy leaves all she feels is cold and alone. Tears fall as she lets herself up and gets dressed. It didn’t help with her head, didn’t slow anything down like she had hoped and instead it added some new thoughts in her head. How someone could call you crazy and then get their fix, it ruins and destories. Getting back to the dorm by the time Josie is out of the shower sucked

Lizzie cleaned herself up in a bathroom stall the best she could, trying to get the taste of his kiss out of her mouth and off her lips. She wishes she could be held by her mother and told everything would be okay but she doesn’t want to be a blackhole, something that Penelope will later shoot out of her mouth during a manic episode by the time her birthday comes around. How Hope Mikaelson came in and even fucking helped her get the grass out of her hair without saying a world, because girls don’t knock each other down too far, at least not on this (Or maybe the Mikaelson has some tact on the subject). Lizzie changes her clothes and curls up into bed with Josie and sleeps for the four hours that she can sleep and is up praying that no one knows about what she had done.

No one seems to know the next day at breakfast and instead of sitting down? Lizzie is up walking around the building, helping teachers with getting things down and ready for the younger classmen.

𝐃𝐨 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐩𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐰𝐡𝐢𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐫 '𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐢𝐧 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐦𝐞? 𝐒𝐚𝐲𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝𝐧'𝐭 𝐰𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐲 𝐟𝐚𝐜𝐞 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐦𝐞?

Of course, someone has to point it out to her father that Lizzie had been off her pills because he didn’t seem to noice. So busy with his private training sessions and whatever else that he assumed Lizzie’s anger outbursts were just teen angst but here it was a cry for help. It is with the help of MAGIC that they break the manic episode and she sleeps for four days off and on and her mommy comes down to hold her. For a split second she feels like she is whole again but that is an illusion.

It’s telling Josie between sobs about her first time without naming names only to find out that everyone knows because people brag about that sort of thing. How walking the walls forever would feel like someone placed a bag over her head and was just waiting for the air to waste away, for her to die. It’s then that her sister breaks up with Penelope Parks, attempts to fix the broken and shattered pieces and Lizzie lets her because she needs someone to care.

Dad leaves and so does mom, leaving the girls to pick up broken pieces all over again.

𝐈 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐤 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞'𝐬 𝐚 𝐟𝐥𝐚𝐰 𝐢𝐧 𝐦𝐲 𝐜𝐨𝐝𝐞

The depressive episode comes and Josie is the one holding a blonde as she cries, blood coming from cuts that she made to try and feel better but it never works. It is praying that a manic episode would hurry up so she can have some relief. Queen of self-harm, Josie would tell a boy from the grill that ends up at the school. If Lizzie would know her twin would out her secret to someone else, she would have never let Josie through the door (She didn’t actually let the siphon, no Josie used magic to bust in)

No one tells them that having your twin giving you pills twice a day would be normal to both of you after that. Josie tossing them across the room and watching because clearly, no one else is going to do it. Lizzie can’t do it, her head tells her not to do it and right now she was too weak to do it herself. The agreement was just until they turned sixteen but tht would be cut short when Monsters start coming and this mopheaded boy that Lizzie swears she doesn’t like comes to down.

Josie is everything that grounds her and Lizzie is everything that makes Josie fly around like she has no wings but one half of a whole is hardly good math.

The twins sit in the bathroom with scissors cutting Lizzie’s once LONG hair to her shoulders. The once down to the middle of Lizzie’s back gets cut and even as she cries, Josie keeps going because there is no other way around it. No one talks about how depression can ruin your good locks because running a brush through it never comes to mind or it does and you are so tired tht you can’t be bothered.

𝐃𝐨 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐜𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟 𝐚 𝐟𝐮𝐜𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐡𝐮𝐫𝐫𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐞 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐦𝐞?

All of her issues turned her mean but no one ever stopped to ask her if she was alright, no one ever cared to see behind the mask when she was still kind hearted and not putting up a front. No one gave a damn, just like her parents and sometimes just like Josie.

Penelope Park gets her pen at christmas time frozen and it breaks into millions of pieces, only after she mad Josie cry. It becomes the two of them (Penelope and Lizzie) going at one another. No one hurts Josie and gets away with it, if Penelope wasn’t someone Josie cared about, Lizzie would throw down and give that witch a wild bruising without care but Josie begs for the other not to do it.

Diana calls Josie a loser and what does Lizzie do? Punches her in the face. No one notices it is to honor her twin, to defend her really because no one ever thinks that Lizzie can be nice. No one thinks Lizzie cares about anyone BUT herself. Her mask is working only it works so well that Josie starts to believe it too.

𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐜𝐚𝐧'𝐭 𝐰𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐮𝐩, 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐢𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐚 𝐝𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐦.

No one talks about the illness taking who you are and crushing it. No one talks about losing things like your hair or how you have impulses to have sex with someone you don’t know. This isn’t a dream, no one can go back and change how their brain works even if they would LOVE to do just that.

#・ ˖ ✦ ⋄ . ❝Mine: Drabble❞ 【GEMINILOOPHOLED】#・ ˖ ✦ ⋄ . ❝Mine: All❞ 【GEMINILOOPHOLED】

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luxury-loki · 6 years ago

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Endgame Chat

!!spoiler free part!!

Hey everyone, this is part one of my full Endgame review, hope you enjoy! My blog is now officially no longer spoiler free (I mean it’s been a week, if you haven't seen it by now then wyd???). However, everything will still be tagged with ‘#endgame spoiler’ and ‘#endgame spoilers’. If you do not want to see any spoilers, PLEASE block these from your feed if you haven't already, consider this your only warning! I will not be taking the blame for anything you have spoiled for you from this blog from now on.

thanks babies,

Lara xxx

I fully have no words to describe this film. It was such a satisfying end I barely even knew I needed, and I have so much I wanna talk about, so strap in cus this is gonna be a long ride.

I think I'm just going to do the same layout as my infinity war posts, with one for character arcs and the there for memorable events/moments.

Let’s start with characters. I’m going to talk mostly about the main six, and anyone else just a brief few things.

Thor

“I’m still worthy!”

I have been seeing alooooot of hate for the way Endgame handled Thor’s character, and I have to completely disagree. We’ve become so comfortable with seeing Thor as the most powerful Avenger, the one who was fine when his mother died, father died, brother, best friend etc that it was crucial to see that this was never actually the case. Thor’s decent into alcoholism, obesity and depression showed he was never really okay with everything that’s happened, he only bottled it inside till it all became too much, and having it healed by a chat with his mother was the perfect way to reach his arc. His relationship with his mother has been so overlooked by the marvel fans (me included) and it was so special to see this heart warming moment between them. When he said “I love you Mum.” to her my heart BURST and my eyes suddenly got very teary, not to mention the added heartbreak that he knew it was the day she was going to die. Overall, although yes, It was comical to see him in this state, that was not the only point to his storyline, it was about seeing a more emotional side to his character, a side which proves he isn't just a ‘tough guy’ who can handle the force of a star and wield lightening. He just as emotionally unstable as the rest of us, and needed his family back (both blood and The Avengers), and a reminder that he was still worthy of Mjolnir to set him back on the right path again to greatness.

His passing of his kingship of Asgard to Valkyrie was also important. Although the Thor franchise had the most perfect beginning and ending, starting with Thor becoming king of Asgard when he was childish and irresponsible and ending with him becoming King when he was actually prepared, the title of king was still not something he chose, and with Valkyrie there to be extremely capable of the role and eager to take it, it makes sense now to allow Thor to go on to actually live the life he wants, and become the true hero his mother tells him to be. I feel he suits the role of a hero who fights the bad guys more than a sensible noble king. I desperately hope he is in Guardians 3, as I think a Quill/Thor bromance is about to blossom beautifully.

Natasha

“I used to have nothing, then I got this family.”

I did not see Natasha’s death coming, like not from a million miles away and it BROKE ME. I actually cried at it more the second time I went to see it. We as an audience forget how she really has no one except The Avengers, they are her one true family, and this is emphasised in the scene on Vormir when she explains how she didn't even know her own father's name. Natasha has always been great in every film she's been in, and has been integral to the development of the MCU, however her role in Endgame was something else. Seeing how broken she was over the snap and seeing how she felt it was her responsibly alone to keep track of the events happening across the whole planet shows how seriously she takes her role as an Avenger and how much she wants to earn the title. I’ll talk more about the scene on Vormir in my next post, but it was really something else. The fact it was Clint she goes with was so important, her best friend. The line from him in the guardians’ ship “this is a long way from Budapest” was such a great call back to the first avengers film, and reminds us of the long history the two share.

When it was obvious one of them was going to die I knew it was going to be her, which is very telling of what I internally think of her character. She would never have let Clint die whilst he had a wife and children at home. Natasha sacrificed herself so that half of the universe could survive, as did Tony. Everyone alive in the MCU owes their life to her, and that is an incredible legacy for her character to leave. She will be desperately missed, but her new film coming out, despite (I assume) being a prequel will be a welcome look into her life again.

RIP Nat x

Clint

“I wish I could tell her we won.”

Opening the film on Clint losing his family was a clever way of reminding the audience of the loss experienced by everyone in Infinity War, not just the characters we followed. It was also interesting to see Clint’s darker side. On his mission to rid the world of the criminals who avoided dusting whilst innocent lives were taken, he murders what we can only assume is hundreds, showing the extreme anger and sadness he was feeling over the loss of his wife and children. It is Tony later in the film who says to Pepper “we got lucky.” in reference to the fact they still had each other, Clint had the least luck, losing three children and his wife, we can understand why he turned to such eratic violence.

Once reunited with The Avengers he continues to have a huge role in the film, especially driven by both his desire to bring back his family, and also avenge Natasha’s death which he most likely feels very guilty for. The moment when they all return form the quantum realm except her, and Clint is seen crying is very emotional, and his role in the fight against Thanos is not one he takes lightning. Clint even carries the Infinity Gauntlet for a large proportion of the final fight scene, we thank him for his incredible service! Endgame was definitely Clint’s film. He had a big part in many of the most emotional/nail biting scenes, and dint just spend the whole thing under the mind control of the main villain! Really glad he got to shine through and find his spotlight, and I can't wait for what the Hawkeye series will have to offer.

Banner

“I put the brains and the braun together.”

Okay so when I first saw the Doctor Hulk combo I HATED IT. I remember turning to my friend in the cinema and just going “I hate it I hate it I hate it get it away from me” but then by the end of the film I won't lie, I loved it. I love that he now has the best sides of both banner and Hulk, the funny/smart/kind side, put together with the incredible strength of The Hulk actually makes for a pretty powerful avenger, even standing up to Thor at one point when he asks him to take his hands off him. Banner had some great comedy bits, including when he makes fun of Scott when the kids don't wanna take a picture with him, and the hilarious part when he punches the taxi in New York, but also some important emotional roles. His upset when he discovers Natasha is dead is evident, explaining how he misses her to Steve later in the film, and this is definitely used as a drive for what he goes on to do. He sacrifices his life and uses the gauntlet to bring everyone back, BANNER DID THAT. Can we start appreciating him more now???? THANKS. No but seriously this was a very important moment for him, and was like the finale of the great character arc we have seen over the last 3 films he has been in. In Ragnaork he struggles with his relationship with the Hulk, still being unable to control when he changes from Hulk to Banner, stuck in either when least convenient, nd always under the control of Hulk. In Infinity War, it’s almost like the two are so connected, and hulk is so aware of Banner’s experience that he begins to control when he doesn't want to come out, rather than when he does. The two are much more like a duo, understanding of each other but stilll not necessarily working together. in Endgame they finally merge, forming a mutual relationship where each benefits wonderfully from the other. I’m really happy for Banner reaching this state. I don't know if his character will appear in anymore MCU films to come, but his character arc has certainly reached a satisfying end, and I believe, despite the sadness of losing Natasha, he has a reached a place of peace and happiness.

Tony

“I love you 3000.”

THE BIG SAD. Still can't believe he is dead. The corner stone of the MCU, the man who made it all happen, how can we ever thank Tony Stark enough? short answer: we can’t, but I'll damn well try. Tony Stark has had perhaps the greatest character arc of them all. Growing from being an arrogant, selfish, greedy businessman who sold weapons and funded wars now sacrifices his life for the entire universe, despite knowing he will leave behind his child and wife alone. It is so painful watching the film for the second time, seeing how desperate he is to not lose what he’s got (Morgan), knowing the whole time what is to happen a the end, yet also a sense of pride emerges. It is heartbreaking to know he will in fact die, but also incredible to know that even despite all his personal feelings, he will always put his family, The Avengers and the rest of the beings in the universe before him because THAT is who Tony Stark is. it doesn't matter who he once was, he has grown beautifully as a character, and has the hero’s death he properly deserves. When Pepper said “you can rest now.” to him I absolutely BAWLED. very good. Awful and painful, but very good.

Also just Tony as a dad, although we didn't get to see it for very long, was a great position to see his character in. He keeps that classic Stark sense of humour “go to bed or I'll sell your toys” whilst also it is immensely clear to see how much being a father has matured him. Although in reality, he is not only a father to Morgan, but Peter too, and choosing to have him die in front of him was truly a STAB to the gut, but also important I think for Peters development now. He will have to go it alone now, without the support of his guardian, which will be a good way to ensure his character can grow independently. Stark was clearly torn up over Peter’s death in a way only a father would, and Peter im sure will carry this bond with him for as long as he lives. I hope to see Morgan and Peter connect in Far From Home, that would be really special, and the perfect way of carrying Tony’s memory.

Thank you to Tony, and RDJ for the incredible 11 years in the MCU, we just could no be here without you, you can rest now, but know you are in our hearts forever.

RIP Tony x

Steve

“You gonna tell me about her?”

“No, I don't think I will.”

Guys okay so I cried at Tony and Nat’s death, but NOTHING got me like Steve’s final scene let me TELL YOU, but first we will start earlier on.

Steve has a very classic role int he first half on the film, comforting Nat when she needs it, helping Tony, devising the plan etc but he really shines in his trip to New York, the final battle scene, and of course his finale.

The scene where he fights himself was really great, and the lines “I can do this all day” “yeah I know” was AMAZING! Not to mention the iconic callback to the elevator scene with the added ‘hail hydra’. The Russo Brothers did an excellent job in ensuring the revisited all the best parts of cap’s time in the MCU in Endgame for sure. But, the best bit came in the final fight scene WHEN HE LIFTED MJOLNIR. I SCREAMED. I genuinely don't think I have ever been so excited in an MCU film in my life, when the hammer came flying through the air I thought at first it was going to be Captain Marvel (which would have been cool too) but when it was him I YELLED. I simultaneously couldn't believe what my eyes were seeing whilst also thinking it was the most obvious thing ever. OF COURSE Steve can lift the hammer, of course he is worthy. The added line of Thor saying: “I knew it!” was just perfect too, with their mid-battle banter yet again “you have the little one, I'll take the big one.” much like in Infinity war with “I see you’ve copied my beard!”. Another great moment was of course the: “Avengers... assemble.” which I also absolutely screeched at. INCREDIBLE CINEMA.

But, despite all this excitement and incredible action Steve’s character got, his best part in the film by far was his final goodbye to Sam and Bucky. When he left to put the stones back something in me knew he wasn't going to come back, and although it was sad, it was also relieving in a way. To know he must be going to find Peggy, and to know he would finally “get some of that life” he had always wanted, and find happiness with her was beautiful. When the camera panned round to him on the bench, it was extremely clever to (as he was older and more shrunken) depict him looking the exact way pre-serum Steve did in The First Avenger, with a similar jacket and smaller frame. At first I thought it somehow was younger him, and It was only seeing his face that made me realise that was not the case. By this post I was properly crying. Like tears streaming down my face hiding my sobs crying. His passing of the shield onto Sam was incredibly moving, and before he left to the see when Bucky and him joke about not doing anything stupid whilst he’s gone was also a perfect goodbye. When he went to put his hand on Sam’s and it showed he had a wedding ring, I honestly couldn't even see through my tears, and that final scene. That final scene. The camera panning through the window, the soft music, the slow turning of the camera to reveal Peggy dancing with Steve, I let out what I think is the ugliest noise I have ever made. a full blown SOB. I was actually uncontrollable, the lights went up in the cinema and I just kept going, still crying a good five minutes later. It was an ending that, now it’s happened, seemed so obvious, yet I never saw it coming. Of course The Avengers’ saga had to end that way. The beauty of the ending was that it wasn’t really an ending at all, but a beginning. Yes, Steve has reached the end of his time as an Avenger, but he was only just starting his true, long life he has ahead of him. The perfect finale.

CONCLUSION

I loved this film. I think it did wonders for all the main characters, and to know I know live in a world with no more Avengers films to come is devastating, but I'm just happy I was alive to see them happen, and to be a part of this wonderful community.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far! Check back next Thursday for my post on storylines/events!

Lara x

#avengers endgame #endgame #marvel #endgame spoiler #endgame spoilers

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