#does a little jig and dies (metaphorically)

[digo3d]

Something I wanna say that I really love about all the lads that I don't think gets mentioned very often, I love that they all have some sort of quirk with the way they talk

Like T.C. has that thing where he repeats one word three times for emphasis

Ex: "Go, go, go, men!" "I think I'm gonna be sick. Sick! Sick! Sick!"

Benny has a little bit of a lisp and I FUCKING LOVE THAT MM IT GIVES HIM SO MUCH CHARACTER

Chooch (aside from the nasallyness and the accent) tends to wind out his sentences occasionally and also sometimes ends his questions with 'like'

Ex: "Like perhaps exactly what?" (Not the best example but give me some grace it's 4 in the morning) ( also I don't remember exactly when he does the question thing but he does it for sure)

Naturally we're all well aware of Spook's way of speaking and it's so unique that it's difficult to exactly replicate it without having some sort of beatnik dictionary near you, also I'd like to mention that he also (I'm pretty sure) likes to do this little sandwich type thing (it could just be a one time thing but shhhh it fits him let me have this)

Ex: "Wheels man, like wheels!"

Plus he like, does this thing where he, like, starts slow and then like, speedsuptowardstheend! And he also uses metaphor and simile a lot which like same dawg

Also something I noticed that I'm pretty sure I've posted about before but no one gave a fuck was that his mouth is almost always pretty large on his model despite him never opening his mouth very wide and almost never raising his voice which I appreciate

One last thing, I'm a huge fucking vocabulary nerd and whenever Spook uses more complex vocabulary I'm reminded of that BTS video Leo deLyon narrated where he said that Spook is sort of a pseudo-intellectual where he tries to make himself look smarter than he actually is and tibbiaych I think we collectively need to lean into that more because it's actually pretty prevalent in his character but we're usually all distracted by 'OMGGGG BEATNIK TALK FUCK YEAH'

Anyways enough about Spook, Fancy has this very 'elegant' way of speaking where he speaks very slow and deliberately to the point where he chops up words to make sure he's pronouncing them right/to enunciate them

Ex: "I'm a stranger in town my dear, and I was wondering if you'd direct me to your *aparTmenT*" "Geez, ya don't have to get so PER SON AL" <-- (from BHC) "(that segment of Dibble Sings Again where he's reading out the newspaper to T.C. and Dibble)"

And then of course Brain has his adorable little stutter, in which I'd just like to mention that usually his stutters kind of drawl into whatever word he's saying next, and he never really breaks up a word to stutter, his stuttering is always in between words, also usually he starts a sentence with that lil 'Duhh'

Ex: "Duhhhlet's see, if the big hand is straight up, and the big hand is on nine,uhhh-" "Duhh, somebody tell me what I'm missing! My sinuses is clogged, all eight of 'em!" "Duhh, the treasury report is as follows; quote, 'we are broke.' unquote. (Flat broke?) Well, uhh, no, uhh, we owe the west side bowling alley $4.36, so you could say we're flatter than flat broke!"

Also a few more things about the little lad, he usually has the worst grammar out of the gang, except on the rare occasions where he says something smart and he also doesn't stutter

[rogue-inquisitor]

Spn fic idea I’m never gonna write but need to see:

Dean Winchester is secretly an accomplished poet au.

Hear me out.

Nobody knows that the highly acclaimed modern poet Steve Tyler is actually Dean Winchester, and no one is ever gonna know if Dean has anything to say about it. Especially Sam.

There are a couple of close calls, like that time Dean found Sam reading a beat up copy of his anthology and had to stumble through an increasingly awkward conversation about how relevant and poignant his works were when read through the eyes of a hunter, or when he, on autopilot, corrected the high school English teacher they just saved from a rougarou when she quoted one of his works wrong.

When they stumble upon a prophet’s book series about their lives, well, Dean is sure the jig is up. Sam will find out his pie-loving, badass, macho, high school dropout of a brother writes poetry of all things and he’ll never hear the end of it. When there’s no mention of it in the Supernatural books, well, he breathes a sigh of relief. (What he doesn’t know, is that one Chuck Shurley, God, is so goddamn jealous that Dean is a better writer that he deliberately leaves it out.)

At one point Sam puts a couple pieces together, and quietly pulls Dean aside.

“Y’know Steve Tyler? How I always thought his works were relatable?”

Dean, sweating, nods. Goddamnit, he knew that latest book about the apocalypse and destiny was a little too on the nose.

“Do you think it’s Chuck?”

Dean almost sags in relief. “Yeah, seems like something that little twerp would do.”

When they meet Metatron, it takes the threat of sticking an angel blade where the sun don’t shine for his secret to stay safe.

“Don’t worry,” the nerdy rat says, voice high and reedy, “I won’t tell Sam about your sickening love poems about short and grumpy over there.”

He doesn’t know why he hasn’t told Sam. He’s been holding onto this secret for so long, holding this so close to his chest, that the thought of other people knowing would kill him.

When his secret does come out, it’s simultaneously earth shattering and anticlimactic. Cas casually strolls into the bunker and announces that he’s finished reading Dean’s works, before tossing a faded and well read copy onto the table. Sam loses his mind.

There’s a long break, between poems, when things are at their worst. When Mary dies, again, he posts a single sentence to his website and doesn’t touch a pen for a long time.

I learned to love more than the idea of you, but I learned it too late.

Later, once they’ve saved the world (again), and Chuck has been dealt with, Dean sits down in the bunker, and stares at his notebook. All the little things that have been sitting in his chest stab at him like knives.

He thinks about Cas. Cas, telling him the one thing Dean was only ever able to say behind three layers of metaphor, saying those three words like it’s easy. Cas being swallowed up by the empty. Cas, who read Dean’s poetry so much the cover was soft and cracked with repeated use, where the pages were worn and frayed at the edges.

And like he’s releasing some great weight, Dean puts a pen to the page, and writes.

[sepublic]

Lilith Can’t Decide

           Once again I have latched onto yet another song that I feel describes Lilith; Specifically, I Can’t Decide by Scissor Sisters! It’s not exactly a one-to-one match, but I think it works well as a metaphor for a young Lilith deciding whether or not she should curse her little sister Eda, juggling with her genuine love and desire to be with Eda, and balancing that with her resentment at being left behind, at being constantly outdone, thinking her own dream is being taken away from her… OR, it could be a Dark AU/development on Lilith’s character, a version of her that just spirals into a descent of further toxicity and co-dependency towards Eda. Looking at the lyrics;

It's not easy having yourself a good time Greasing up those bets and betters Watching out they don't four-letter F*ck and kiss you both at the same time Smells like something I've forgotten Curled up died and now it's rotten

           I doubt Lilith was a happy person, at least not without Eda- She didn’t seem to have a whole lot of self-confidence, and in the present-day, seems rather clingy to her sister. I wouldn’t be shocked if Eda was Lilith’s only friend… And in this one photo we see of Eda and a childhood friend, Lilith is in the background, looking unhappy and possibly jealous. Coupled with insecurity at not feeling good enough, being attached to Eda and maybe even dependent upon her for a sense of validation; And it’s not easy for Lilith to feel good about herself, to be happy, to have fun… Not when she’s always stressing over joining the Emperor’s Coven. Lilith has lost so many times that she can’t just take joy in playing the game- For once, she wants to actually win. And she’s no doubt lost many bets and challenges with Eda over the years…

           Now, F*ck in this scenario is not literal, for obvious reasons… In this case, it could be interpreted as ‘screwing someone over’, AKA causing trouble for Eda, while at the same time smothering her with sisterly kisses; Lilith loves Eda, but she’s also about to cause her little sister a WHOLE lot of trouble and basically ruin the rest of her life, while also shortening it. Not that Lilith realizes this- She thinks the curse will only be weakened magic for a day. But even so, she’s cheating Eda out of her spot in the Emperor’s Coven- Even if Lilith thinks that Eda will probably make it in later anyway because she’s THAT talented.

           “Smells like something I’ve forgotten” could easily allude to Lilith not paying attention, not really considering the consequences of the curse… And it could be Lilith choosing to ignore Eda’s dilemma when she IS cursed and transforms the next day, instead focusing on her spot in the Emperor’s Coven. Lilith has basically forgotten her sister, about her love for her- She’s neglected to take care of her bond with Eda, and now it’s curled up and died, become rotten. It’s imagery that invokes the skeleton in the closet, which applies well to Lilith cursing Eda and constantly being reminded that she did so, in the back of her head…

I'm not a gangster tonight Don't wanna be a bad guy I'm just a loner baby And now you've gotten in my way

           Lilith insists to herself, she believes she’s not a bad person- She wants to join the prestigious Emperor’s Coven that enforces law and order… She’s only doing what her idol Emperor Belos would do, in HER situation! And she’s not even wrong about that latter point. Lilith doesn’t want to curse Eda, she doesn’t want to be a bad person… But she’s lonely and she wants validation from the Emperor’s Coven, and Lilith knows that Eda would do better without that coven, than Lilith herself. Lilith feels alone, like she has no support, like her own sister Eda isn’t helping her and is instead throwing Lilith under the bus to join the Emperor’s Coven…

          And now Eda’s gotten in the way of Lilith’s dreams, of Lilith’s idea of them being in the coven together; Because to her, Eda will surely always be able to join another time (that’s what she clearly believes as an adult), so really this is just a matter of whether or not Lilith will be by her side. Lilith is essentially victim-blaming Eda in this scenario, and Eda has no idea; And Lilith is absolving herself of guilt and blame by claiming that she had no other choice, that she takes no joy in this, and so forth. But as we see, with how Lilith sometimes taunts Eda about the curse and her age- Lilith DID take some joy in this, and she was the bad guy. Her arc involved finally recognizing this and making a change.

          But right now; She comes to a moment of accusatory, blaming conviction at Eda, as she begins to make her decision…

I can't decide Whether you should live or die Oh, you'll probably go to heaven Please don't hang your head and cry No wonder why My heart feels dead inside It's cold and hard and petrified Lock the doors and close the blinds We're going for a ride

           In this case, “Live or die” is a metaphor for Lilith deciding whether or not to curse Eda. Lilith is assuaging her concerns and dismissing them by insisting to herself that Eda will be just fine without her, that Eda will be fine afterwards… Sure, Eda won’t make it into the Emperor’s Coven now- But she’s skilled enough to have other chances! Lilith doesn’t have that, and even if Eda never made it into the Emperor’s Coven… She’s so talented and amazing (and Lilith genuinely believes this) that Lilith is sure Eda will make her way in life regardless! Eda can excel at whatever she chooses, but Lilith… The Emperor’s Coven is the ONLY option she has to feel worthwhile. Whatever happens to Eda, Lilith assures her it’ll be all right; But she’s also disregarding Eda’s genuine grief with the system in some ways, at the unfairness of it all… Lilith is silencing Eda’s pain and blocking it out in order to justify what she’s done/is about to do.

           And Lilith… She no doubt is thinking about how she IS dead inside, how she’s resigned to this level of self-loathing. And deep-down she wonders if she’s actually a monster who doesn’t actually feel love, and that’s why she’s okay with this; And that allusion to petrification takes on another meaning with what almost happened to Eda, as a result of her capture by Lilith at the end of Season 1. Does Lilith think she should’ve been petrified- Does she think petrification would’ve matched on the outside, what she already was within? No wonder she’s miserable, if Lilith is willing to betray her own sister like this; No wonder she’s in such despair, having just committed this kind of guilty sin and treachery. To even think and consider this means Lilith is a terrible person- And this realization makes her feel depressed and dead inside as the guilt of who she is haunts her for the rest of her life.

          In the end, Lilith is locking the doors and closing the blinds as she prepares to go out to the Night Market for that curse… And yes, her and Eda WILL be in quite the ride, for the rest of their lives when the curse unveils itself the next day.

It's a bitch convincing people to like you If I stop now call me a quitter If lies were cats you'd be a litter Pleasing everyone isn't like you Dancing jigs until I'm crippled Slug ten drinks I won't get pickled

           The first line could be Lilith talking about how hard it is to be loved… How she thinks of herself as a loser, and joining the Emperor’s Coven means approval from both the Emperor AND the Isles as a whole. It means Lilith becoming a role model that’s admired by kids like her, all across the Boiling Isles… Lilith wants to be recognized and appreciated, but that’s just hard for her on multiple levels.

           Or… It’s Lilith talking to EDA, complaining about how hard it is to look after Eda, to provide for her; To convince others that despite Eda’s trouble, she’s worth the time of day! I can see Lilith vouching for Eda several times, working to do damage-control whenever Eda got in trouble, trying to insist to others that her little sister really IS a good person… And as an adult, Lilith has to explain to Belos that Eda doesn’t deserve to be petrified, she’s actually an amazing witch with so much potential, who’d do way better as a member of his coven than as a statue! She’s vouching for Eda to the Emperor’s Coven, and she feels like Eda isn’t appreciating her efforts; And Lilith feels like she’s beginning to jeopardize herself as well, what with Kikimora questioning her biases.

           If Lilith just gives up now, the system would no doubt dismiss her as a quitter; And it could be an angry jab at Eda’s support for quitting, as see with her Quitter’s Badge as an adult. The competitive nature of the coven system means that to Lilith, she doesn’t want to ‘quit’, she doesn’t want to lose- And on the flipside… If Lilith stops trying to vouch for Eda as an adult, Eda would no doubt accuse her of not taking care of her own sister, of being a traitor. Either way, Lilith feels like her efforts aren’t being appreciated and acknowledged, and that if she were to stop, she’d be ridiculed. Lilith also accuses Eda of lies… Does she accuse Eda of lying to her about being by her side; About going into the Emperor’s Coven together, as they planned?

           Does Lilith think of Eda as a liar, whenever Eda pretends to approach her on good terms, only to rebuke her; Like at the end of Covention, or when Luz-Eda seemingly got captured to join the Emperor’s Coven, and then changed her mind? Or is this Lilith talking to herself- Because of all the lies she tells herself and others, about how it’s all fine… That she doesn’t know who cursed Eda, that this for her and everyone else’s own good, and that the Emperor’s Coven is a just and noble cause. The biggest lie of all to Lilith, is that she’s happy. Regardless, Lilith also laments about how Eda doesn’t care for pleasing others, that she doesn’t intend to conform- It’s distinctive and characteristic of her sister, to Lilith’s chagrin, because it causes issues… And to Lilith, Eda doesn’t make HER happy by compromising, by going into the Emperor’s Coven- She’s always causing trouble because she just has to, she can never make things easy and makes it so hard to love Eda…

I've got to hand it to you You've played by all the same rules It takes the truth to fool me And now you've made me angry

           Yet for all of Lilith’s resentment and jealousy towards Eda; She knows that Eda deserves this more than her. She admits that Eda always worked harder, that she was always more passionate and smarter about everything. The Coven System is easy to justify when it places you on top, because it’s a meritocracy- And now Lilith has to begrudgingly acknowledge that if Eda is doing better, then according to the system, it’s because Eda IS better. Sure, Eda sometimes cheats- But by the end of the day, cheating or not, as shown in Wing it like Witches… Eda will always be superior.

           As for the truth- Lilith is always in denial of reality. Eda says she’ll never join the Emperor’s Coven as an adult, yet Lilith is so certain that Eda secretly wants to, or will eventually change her mind. Likewise, Lilith’s insecurity leads her to believe things that aren’t true- It makes Lilith think Eda doesn’t actually care about her, would throw her under the bus to join the Emperor’s Coven… So Lilith is so incredibly blind-sided by the reality that Eda would never do this. Lilith doesn’t want to admit that she’s wrong and it’s all for naught- So the truth is secretly a lie to her.

           And now… Now Eda’s made her angry. Eda’s taking away this dream from Lilith by being so much better… She’s made Lilith’s curse unnecessary by refusing to duel, making Lilith feel like a fool; And in Agony of a Witch, Eda makes Lilith so angry and bitter, that she confesses to the curse in a brief fit of spite.

           (Cue repeat lyrics)

Oh, I could throw you in the lake Or feed you poisoned birthday cake I won't deny I'm gonna miss you when you're gone Oh, I could bury you alive But you might crawl out with a knife And kill me when I'm sleeping That's why

           These different methods of murder can serve as a metaphor for Lilith deciding how to sabotage Eda, how to cheat her way to victory. Lilith is going to miss her bond with Eda, because she knows that she’s about to jeopardize and sabotage it, potentially irreparably; Either way, Lilith is saying goodbye to those innocent times with Eda, to that guiltless friendship… And Lilith is saying goodbye to an un-cursed Eda, and innocent one who was never betrayed. She DOES miss Eda, and she will- She takes no pleasure in this! Lilith will make sure to tenderly remember Eda, that she does appreciate what Eda did for her, and will use her contributions and ‘sacrifice’ to achieve well as Head of the Emperor’s Coven…

           But Lilith knows and fears retribution from Eda. When Eda finds out about the curse… Or in general, Eda’s justified anger at Lilith forsaking her for the Emperor’s Coven, for continuing to support a corrupt organization. For ignoring what the coven system has done to Eda and so many others; It’s the guilt and potential for retribution that haunts Lilith and scares her. It’s the unexpected consequences of what she’s done- Which become the unexpected side-effects of the curse… Because Lilith makes so many mistakes believing that the effects won’t be as severe as they actually turn out to be; Such as by losing Amity’s respect by placing that power glyph, or inciting Luz’s anger at her after Lilith completely forgot about the girl.

          And that imagery of being attacked in one’s sleep is certainly ironic, considering how Lilith ended up cursing Eda… And how fitting is then, that Lilith herself becomes cursed like Eda, and is now going to live life in her shoes, as a fellow outcast and criminal from the Emperor’s Coven! Lilith will sell trash, struggle to get elixir… But she’ll also taste freedom and meet people like Luz and King. Lilith will understand what Eda went through, how she suffered- But also how Eda became so much happier away from the system… Lilith is going to see life through Eda’s eyes, appreciate Eda’s decisions, and no longer blame her for them- And she’ll soon agree and even provide support for Eda’s choices, and want to participate in that life, to get back into that family and connection.

           (Cue repeat lyrics- And that’s end of the song!)

           In the end, we know what decision Lilith made. We see the indecisiveness, but eventually she does it… And she regrets it. The consequences DO come back to haunt her, and it’s why Lilith can’t trust herself to make any decisions- Because she knows that her judgment is flawed and she’ll always screw up, even when she doesn’t mean to. Perhaps Lilith will feel like she’s affirming the judgment and doubt of others, as well as herself… We know the rest of the story and how it plays out, this is all just lamentable history. What’s done is done, and Lilith knows both then and now that she’s so sad and pathetic for even being at this crossroads, for not even having the confidence to make a decisive choice- And it’s humiliating and embarrassing and frustrating, all the same. She wishes she had the conviction of Belos, or Eda… But she just doesn’t mean.

           But… at the Owl House, maybe Lilith WILL get that conviction. She’s now making the choice to help Eda and change- So for once, Lilith might get some agency and initiative in life, and learn to control her own circumstances… And to make her OWN destiny, as Eda always advised! Lilith can own up what’s happened to her and do something about it, get a say of what goes on, and who she is- She can overcome this song of helpless indecision, this song lamenting that the narrator has even come to this point in life; It’s sad that Lilith even reached this kind of choice because of her own poor decisions… But at least now, she can finally move on and get to a better place. There was a hilarity in despair, but now Lilith can actually laugh in relief and happiness for once.

[squid--inc--writes]

Inktober 2019 day 25 prompt: tasty

Update: masterlist

Art + story

This one's a good one, Bois.

Also, warning for: death, animal abuse (rats), canabalism, etc.

Deep in the woods, you will find that trees grow bark of chocolate, and, depending on the tree, some of varying other tasty treats. Candy apples hang from trees, the leaves are much like taffy. Any smoke produced smells sweetly of cotton candy.

If you travel far enough in the woods, you will find a cobbler path, lined with chocolate stones. When you get to the candy cane arches, or licorice edgings along the path, turn back. If you continue, the enticing trail will become harder and harder to leave.

The house in the center of the forest is a giant cake. In its surroundings are a gumball patch,  with bitter, but tasty vines twirling around it; giant lollipops bursting from the ground, at all colours, and cascading light over various marshmallows, and gumdrops when the sun hits it just right; one can even find a small river of soda flowing through.

The house itself is simple vanilla, with an assortment of toppings and decorations all around. Through magic would be the only way this place is still intact.

Inside the home lives an overgrown rat. She has large, sharp teeth, a long tail, and dresses in the clothes of those unfortunate enough to meet her.

See, once one is lured in by her surroundings, she invites them inside, with promises of sweeter treats, and goodness inside. However, once they are inside, she cast a spell, and renders them unconscious, and takes then to her kitchen. As the story goes, she does indeed cook and eat them. However, she eats the heart and liver raw first, for she was not always a rat.

Before all of this, she had been a beautiful, but mean woman. She would lure in those around her, either through lust, love, or sometimes pity. She would get what she wanted and, rather metaphorically speaking, tear their heart out. 

She had found a partner who was incredibly wealthy. He had earned his fortune with medical miracles. He would work at home, and had many a rat in his home. They were all well fed, and well kept, as he sought to reward hard work.

She, however, despised the rats, and didn't care for the work. One night, while he was out, she went around, and poisoned all the rats. When she woke up, it was to her lover's sobs of anguish. She comforted him, expecting this to last only a few days. She told him "perhaps you should not keep them at home. They must have gotten into something they shouldn't have."

He accepted the excuse, but, after several weeks of mourning, she became aggravated. While she still got everything she wanted, she was missing his attention. She tried her hardest to get it, but he would simply brush her off. He loved her, but his beloved were gone. So, she made a plan.

If he wanted to act like the dead rats were the best part of his life, he would join them. She looked through his medical texts, and found what she wanted. A poison, specially designed to destroy the heart, without being detected. If she couldn't have it, no one would.

So, she set forth a dinner, just the two of them. As they prepared to settle in, there was a knock at the door. And old woman stood before them, raggedy, and wrinkly,looking for a place to stay the night. The woman originally wanted to kick her out, but thought, oh, with a witness there was less chance of being caught.

So, they all sat down  to eat. When the man began to look distraught, he gripped at his chest. The woman kept up, asking if her lover was alright. He, however, waved her off, and they kept eating.

By the end of the meal, he finally succumbed to the poison, and was lying dead on his plate. The woman put on a good show of being distressed, shouting that they needed help, expecting the old woman to run. Get somebody.

Instead, she gets up, and walks to the man. After placing a calm hand on his neck, feeling his pulse, or lack thereof, she turned to the woman.

"Well. Don't we have something awful here. Death by heartbreak. Lost his poor rats, afterall."

The woman stared, confused.

She trudged on, move around the man's corpse.

"Shame, really. That he'd have his heart torn out twice in a year."

The woman began to question, but the old woman stopped her, "Well, for every year you go, my dear, without eating two hearts and two livers, you will become more like a rat, until you are small enough to crush under a boot."

The woman became angry, "excuse me? My beloved just died, and you make awful claims, and curses."

The old woman chuckled, "Well, you did see it coming. However you best get to work, before this goes further." She slipped the tip of her thumb up against the back of her front teeth and tapped.

The woman snarled, before realizing that her teeth had changed. She put a hand up to her mouth, and ran to the table, flipping everything off of a silver platter. In front of her she saw herself. The problem was that she now had two incredibly large teeth at the front of her mouth. She looked back at the old woman, whom had now sprouted her own teeth. And ears, fur, clawed fingers, and tail.

She spoke, "Now, I did say you had to eat the heart and liver. You must understand the heart, but the liver, now that's the question. You seem to enjoy the act of completely destroying a heart, so I figured I might as well add in something you weren't fond of as well."

The woman stared at her still, and the old woman kept going, "you must eat them raw, or else you will continue to become what you hate. However, if you were to cut out your own heart, the curse will release…"

She stopped talking to see that the woman had already descended upon her late lover, already tearing flesh and bone away with a knife, Nd her hands. The old woman was surprised at the lack of hesitation. She was appalled. This was supposed to be hard.

The woman wolfed down his heart, not even stopping to gag, terrified of her impending transformation. She then tore away her stomach, and intestines, root around his carcass for his liver. She may have lived with him, but she knew little of human anatomy.

When she completed the meal, she looked up at the old woman, a feral look in her eyes. 

The old woman took a step back, "Well then, you made a fine mess."

The woman stepped forward, and said, "I know how to clean."

The witch took another step back, realizing her mistake towards the ruthless creature before her, "And he'll be missing."

"Not if an old homeless woman killed him. I had to do it. Bashed her over the skull, and killed her."

The witch, much more skilled, said, "Well, good luck with that." And quickly vanished.

The problem was, however, she dropped her book of spells. So, the woman had grabbed it. She read it over, and tried to find what she could do to help herself.

She successfully fooled the people for weeks, into believing her lover was alive and well. The jig was up when someone went to speak with him, without the woman knowing. They entered upon the scene of the rotting, torn up corpse, screaming loudly.

Before she could get home, a large crowd filled the space in her home. She knew she couldn't answer any questions. Not without people seeing through it. So, she fled.

She fled to a forest, and started casting spells Willy nilly. She cast them until she created her own chocolates forest. She made it so tasty, and inviting, that she could get all the hearts and livers she needed. She'd also have all the decadence she needed. However, when no one came, she began transforming more. So, she upped her game. She made it impossible to flee if one went too far. She made the place so easy to find. When she got her first victim in a year, she couldn't help it. It was the first non-sweet she had in years. So, she cooked up the body, and devoured it entirely.

As the story comes to its end, unfortunately the monster was never beat, yet. And still she lives in her tasty home.

[stvlti]

Some things that you only notice on second viewings of Bandersnatch

- SPOILERS BELOW -

"Is that your mother's?" should've known the jig is up with that line. Not "my wife's", but "your mother's". Something happened between the two of them before she even died.

Those close-up shots of the ashtray sure find their payoff *snort*

Pax !! He's "thief of destiny". Omg! That mean we're the Pax in Stefan's destiny?

"it's July now, so if we wanna hit Christmas, then we'll need the tapes in Smith's by November" oh Brooker you meta bastard you. This film (aptly titled Bandersnatch) came out during Christmas hhh

"teams are fine for things like action titles, but when it's a concept piece, bit of madness is what you need, and that works best when it's one mind." Ohhh boy, I'm sure we went way beyond a little bit of madness.

Everytime a character makes a meta comment or talks to the audience and Stefan at the same time with double meanings. Par exemple, "It's challenging, there's quite a big learning curve, so you die a lot and have to try again". 🙄 These kinds of fourth wall breaks, especially the ones that are designed to push you to make a choice, gets more and more grating the more replays you go through 🙄

Stefan says no "not to the whole thing, just to working there being under their control"; and then "I don't see why I need to keep coming to these sessions... It just feels like I'm being monitored". This film really wears its themes on its sleeves early on huh

"The past is immutable, Stefan. No matter how painful it is, we can't change things, we can't choose differently with hindsight". This line is so interesting to me in context. Yes, it hits hard on the first playthrough because this isn't the sort of RPG where you can tap out of a route and revert to the last decision at any moment by not saving your progress. It keeps going; you can't even rewind that far back before you hit a dead end with the last decision you've made. So you can't undo decisions you've made with hindsight. But in the narrative itself, Colin later on introduces the idea of time travel via flashbacks. And some of these, Stefan is able to effect change on the past, thereby displacing us the players and himself into a parallel timeline. So yes you can change the past with hindsight...... Although it still doesn't undo certain mistakes made. Because of some sort of time travel paradox bullshit lol - any changes you make are negligible in the grand scheme of the space time continuum; we arrive at the same outcome one way or another, the mother always dies, just through different events that lead us there. And on a meta level, if you're on your second, third, fourth etc. playthrough... You already know the futility in trying out the different routes. You still can't change things even with all the endings explored.

"Like Pacman. You know what 'pac' stands for? P-A-C, "programme and control". He's Programme and Control Man, the whole thing's a metaphor. He thinks he's got free will, but really he's trapped in a maze, in a system, all he can do is consume. He's pursued by demons that are probably just in his own head; and even if he does manage to escape by slipping out one side of the maze, what happens? He comes right back in the other side." This is as much about Stefan as it is about us. We exit one side of the maze but we come back to the film to try and figure out the other paths. All we can do is consume. Check out Charlie Brooker pulling some Undertale fourth wall-breaking shit there - i.e. like how Flowey calls us out, the fact that our curiosity keeps us resetting the game after we're done with each run, effectively playing with the lives of these fictional characters like a cruel person - except with Colin's commentary here I'm not even mad because this is exactly what I signed up for lmao

[TBC]

[preserving-ferretbrain]

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Chapter 24 - Epilogue

by Dan H

Wednesday, 01 August 2007Dan concludes his review, having abandoned any semblance of impartiality, bless his bitter little heart.~

Previously: Harry does nothing of any interest for 23 chapters. We finally destroy one single solitary Horcrux.

Chapter Twenty Four: The Wandmaker

In which we learn a bunch of shit about wands that will be contradicted by the end of the book.

This chapter opens with a genuinely touching scene in which Harry buries Dobby by hand (as opposed to using magic). It's really sweet, although perhaps I would have found it more affecting if Dobby hadn't died out of sheer authorial malice.

So Harry dithers over whether to go for the Hallows or the Horcruxes, and thinks about all the shit that's happened and what it could all mean. He spends a really, really long time thinking about Dumbledore, and what his plans for the whole thing were.

So then Harry goes and talks to the Goblin they rescued from the Malfoys (did I mention the goblin? There was a goblin). The Goblin is all "you totally rock Harry Potter, because you sometimes treat other races with the barest minimum possible level of decency when you remember to." You see, it's because Harry understands love.

So Harry goes and talks to Ollivander about his broken wand. I mean seriously, it's not even worth doing jokes about, is it.

Having got his penis-metaphor out of the way, Harry then talks some more about Wand-Lore with Ollivander. Here we learn that it is the wand that chooses the wizard, not the other way around, and that if you take somebody's wand by force, that wand will work better for you than one you just picked up somewhere.

In particular, the discussion goes like this:

"I took this wand from Draco Malfoy by force," said Harry. "Can I use it safely?" "I think so, subtle laws govern wand ownership, but the conquered wand will usually bend its will to its new master."

This all leads into a big discussion of the Elder Wand and how to take control of it you have to kill its previous owner or some such shit like that.

All of which turns out to be nonsense. In fact the rules for wand ownership seem to be roughly these:

Every wand has a True Owner.

When a wizard takes a wand from another wizard, he becomes the True Owner of every wand of which that wizard was previously True Owner.

"The Wand Chooses The Wizard" is crap, the thing about the Elder Wand changing hands through murder is crap. Like all the rest of the magic in Harry Potter, wands aren't mysterious or mystical, they follow simple rules which can be written down and followed very, very easily.

This will all become apparent later on, when it is revealed that Harry's act of yanking some wands out of Draco's hands made him the True And Destined Owner Of the Most Powerful And Destructive Wand In History.

Lame.

This chapter ends with another flash of Voldy-vision, as we see the Dark Lord claiming the Elder Wand from Dumbledore's tomb. But it's okay, because he's not the True Owner of it, because of rules one and two above.

Chapter Twenty Five: Shell Cottage

In which Harry spends so much time sitting on his arse doing nothing that it's not even funny.

This chapter is short, at a mere thirteen pages, but that is precisely thirteen pages longer than it needs to be.

Harry gets all weird about how Dumbledore is totally alive, and totally talking to him by weird magical means. It's like that Buffy episode where Giles thinks that a poltergeist is Jenny, but it isn't. Only with more sucking.

Bill and Fleur carry on being shit. Fleur carries on 'aving zee most stupeed accent ever written, and doing that really fucking annoying thing that French characters in books always do, where they put one French word into every sentence so that they wind up sounding like they're failing their GCSE oral.

During the big slew of inactivity, Lupin shows up to tell everybody that Tonks has had their baby. His opening line of dialogue is truly, truly, truly stupid:

"It is I, Remus John Lupin ... I am a werewolf married to Nymphadora Tokns, and you, the Secret Keeper of Shell Cottage, told me the address and bade me come in case of emergency!"

Okay, I get that he's trying to convince them that he isn't a Death Eater using Polyjuice (it's nice that somebody in the Potterverse has worked out how trivial it is to use), but none of the information he gives is secret, except for the stuff about Bill being the Secret Keeper, and since the Fidelius charm already prevents people from getting into the cottage, it's a bit of a waste of breath.

Remus asks Harry to be godfather to his child, then leaves.

Harry decides to break into Gringotts with the help of a Goblin. He bargains the Sword of Gryffindor for this, because apparently it belongs to the Goblins anyway. In one of the few moments of (a) this book being remotely interesting and (b) my finding a piece of Fantasy Worldbuilding worth listening to, we learn that Goblins believe that anything they make remains the property of its original creator, and that if they make something for somebody else, that something should go back to the goblins once said somebody dies.

So they're off to Gringotts. Four hundred and fifteen pages in and we're onto Horcrux number two!

Chapter Twenty Six: Gringotts

In which they finally run out of fucking Polyjuice.

They Polyjuice Hermione into Bellatrix, give her Bella's original wand (which Ollivander conveniently identified for them), and head for Gringotts.

And they use the Invisibility Cloak, of course they use the invisibility cloak.

Anyway, Hermione has trouble working with Bellatrix's wand (because she "had not won its allegiance by taking it personally from Bellatrix" - although as we will learn by the end of the book, casting Expelliarmus on whoever did take it personally from Bellatrix, or on anybody who had ever cast Expelliarmus on Bellatrix at any point in the past, should also have worked). Blah blah some crap, blah blah diagon alley.

They head to Gringotts, where they are interrupted by another Death Eater, who asks Hermione-as-Bellatrix how she managed to get hold of a new wand, since the only Wandmaker in England is currently AWOL and hers was known to have been stolen by Harry Potter. Tragically, Hermione does not respond by saying "I don't know, the same place the new intake of Hogwarts students got theirs I suppose."

By the time they get to the main desk of Gringotts, the jig is totally up. All the crap with the Polyjuice and the Goblin and all the rest has been for nothing. From the security of his invisibility cloak, Harry uses the Imperius curse to get past the goblin on the desk. I'd like to think that this marked a genuine change in Harry's character, but it totally doesn't. He was in a difficult situation, he took the easy way out. I'd also point out that, compared to turning your target irreversibly into a drooling lunatic (like Hermione did to Xenophilius Lovegood) the Imperius Curse doesn't seem half bad. It gets your target to do what you want and go where you want, but so does a Confundus charm.

Just so we get the message that we're now in the company of dark, edgy Harry Potter, he uses the Imperius curse a couple more times, and each time it seems not so much like an unforgivable violation of somebody's free will, but a comparatively harmless way to get somebody to look the other way for five minutes. It's rather like the Jedi Mind Trick, in fact.

So they get deeper into Gringotts, and it's revealed that yet, they do have a couple of defences, in the shape of some water that washes away magical concealment (wouldn't it be better to have that before you get into the building - and shouldn't the Ministry invest in some of it as well?) and a blind dragon which is scared of loud noises.

Impregnable, huh?

So they head to the Lestrange vault, and realise that they find that every time they touch something, it multiplies itself and becomes burning hot. How the hell do the Lestranges expect to get anything out of there, I ask you? Or does it only work if you aren't the rightful owner of the vault? In that case, why not just rig the door to only open for the right person? They could use that "flesh memory" shit which snitches are apparently built with.

Seriously, though, this is what I hate (okay, one of the many things I hate) about Rowling's universe. It's all so arbitrary. Everything works according to these stupid rules which operate on the basis of pure plot-convenience. Like the poison in Book Six which "has to be drunk" in order to get at the Horcrux. All throughout this book, the "magic" is arranged so that the "only thing to do" is whatever the hell JK Rowling wants to have happen next. It's fucking lazy.

So they grab the Cup of Helga Hufflepuff, but they lose the Sword of Gryffindor. Don't worry, though, they can still pull it out the Sorting Hat.

Actually, thinking about it, wouldn't that have been a better, faster way to get the Horcruxes together: just get a True Ravenclaw, a True Hufflepuff and a True Slytherin to yank the damned things out of the Sorting Hat. Except, of course, that wouldn't be the way it Had To Be Done.

Chapter Twenty Seven: The Final Hiding Place

It's Hogwarts.

Chapter Twenty Eight: The Missing Mirror

In which we get yet another dose of Dumbledore backplot.

So Harry is off to Hogwarts, because he saw in Voldemort's mind that the last Horcrux was there. He also saw that Voldemort had only just realised that his Horcruxes were in danger at all.

I mean, seriously, I get that he's arrogant, but you'd think that however overconfident you were, spending eleven years as less than a ghost would teach you some level of caution. I mean, I don't like leaving my keys where I can't see them, let alone fragments of my actual goddamned soul. But Voldemort, intent as he was on finding the Elder Wand, has just decided to take it on trust that his immortal soul is nice and safe and not hacked into bits with the Sword of Gryffindor.

Seriously, this guy totally deserves to get killed by his own rebounding curse.

Harry and co Apparate into Hogsmeade, where they immediately set off the alarm system and get set upon by death eaters, but the bartender at the inn takes the rap for them, and pulls them out of the shit.

I mean seriously, how many times can somebody get rescued from their own fuckups by smarter more capable people and still be considered a hero?

The bartender turns out to be none other than Aberforth Dumbledore. Woohoo, we're in for some more exciting Dumbledore backstory.

Aberforth tells us the exact same story we have heard six times already: Dumbledore hung out with Grindelwald for three months in the eighteen fifties, there was a fight and their sister got killed in the fallout. Aberforth thought it was Dumbledore's fault, Dumbledore thought it was Dumbledore's fault, Grindelwald ran off to be a Nazi somewhere.

Harry gets into Hogwarts through a secret passage which Neville created using the Room of Requirement. Because Neville rocks.

Chapter Twenty Nine: The Lost Diadem

In which Harry is systematically upstaged by every single character in the book.

Neville takes Harry into his secret military base in the Room of Requirement. Neville, incidentally, also has honest to god scars from standing up to the Death Eaters in charge of Hogwarts. Notice that's "standing up to" not "throwing a tantrum at" which was the best that our hero ever really managed.

Neville fucking rocks. No wonder Voldemort didn't mark Neville as an equal, he knew when he was outclassed.

It turns out that Dumbledore's Army, freed from having to put up with Harry's complete inability to get over himself for eight seconds, has gone on to actually be useful and effective. They offer to help Harry, and Harry has an attack of stupid.

"You don't understand." Harry seemed to have said that a lot in the last few hours. "We - we can't tell you. We've got to do it - alone." "Why?" asked Neville.

Harry Potter everybody: whiny shit with a messiah complex, completely incapable of independent thought. Eventually they do in fact manage to convince him that he's being totally totally stupid. But wouldn't it have been nice if he'd just not been stupid in the first place?

So the DA go off to fight Death Eaters while Harry looks for the Diadem of Rowena Ravenclaw, which somebody else told him might be the best place to start. Seriously, Harry does nothing for himself in this book. Or in any of the previous books come to think of it. But it's okay because he's "brave".

Harry and Luna try to sneak into the Ravenclaw common room to catch a look at the statue of their founder. In a rare moment of actually being kinda cool, we find that the Ravenclaw common room is not protected by a password but by a riddle (more of a koan, really: the question asked of Harry and Luna is "what came first, the phoenix or the flame?"). Needless to say, Luna answers the riddle, not Harry.

Worst. Hero. Ever.

They get to the common room, and are immediately ambushed by an interchangeable Death Eater.

Chapter Thirty: The Sacking of Severus Snape

In which Snape appears for ten seconds and utterly steals the show.

Oh look, they've summoned Lord Voldemort again. Pity they couldn't summon somebody actually scary instead.

So the Dark Lord is on his way, and all the people that are actually cool rush to the defence of Hogwarts. Harry, on the other hand, runs around looking for somebody to tell him what to do next. He eventually decides to start taking orders from the ghosts.

Everybody mills around in the corridors, and all the parents seem to have shown up. Molly Weasley continues to be completely fucking shit, insisting that Ginny can't fight because she's only sixteen.

Everybody gets ready for battle.

Oh, and Snape leaves so that he can get killed.

Chapter Thirty One: The Battle of Hogwarts

In which a battle presents no impediment to the interminable exposition.

While the rest of the student body are actually getting stuff done, and preparing to lay down their lives in battle against the Dark Lord, Harry goes off looking for a plot dump.

He finds it in the shape of the Grey Lady, ghost of Ravenclaw tower, who reveals that she is actually Helena Ravenclaw, daughter of Rowena Ravenclaw. Wow. Words cannot explain how little I care about that. She also reveals that she stole her mother's diadem, and that she hid it in a tree in Albania (the very Albania where Voldemort once went! Amazing isn't it). Harry suddenly remembers that he saw a diadem in the Room of Lost Things in the previous book (funny how he can remember that, but not - say - things that happened two chapters ago). He goes to get it.

While Harry is doing this, Ron and Hermione dash of to have sex in the Chamber of Secrets, which Ron manages to open by imitating Harry's use of Parseltongue. That's right folks, the magical language Harry carries in his soul as a result of his connection with the Dark Lord can be picked up by any schlub who pays attention for five minutes.

Hermione destroys the cup offstage, so we miss the big plot point, and get the ghost story. Oh JK, you master storyteller you.

Then the Troika go to the Room of Requirement and start ransacking it for Horcruxes. It's a good thing Harry happened to see it in the previous book really, or they'd be totally fucked.

In the Room of Requirement they meet Draco, Crabbe and Goyle. Crabbe and Goyle have been presented previously as a bit thick, but basically just your average bully types. In this scene, though, they're positively retarded. In, like, an actual way, rather than the way in which the whole book is retarded.

"We was hiding in the corridor outside," grunted Goyle. "We can do Diss-lusion charms now! And then," his face split into a gormless grin, "you turned up right in front of us and said you was looking for a die-dum! What's a die-dum?"

I've typed a lot of quotes into this article (I intended to do one a chapter, but I couldn't quite bring myself to), and fuck me JKR uses a lot of exclamation marks. Also: for fuck's sake, if you can cast a Dissillusionment charm, you should damned well be able to say "Dissillusionment charm".

Anyway, it turns out that Draco, Crabbe and Goyle have shown up to kill Harry, or bring him to the Dark Lord or something. I would like to believe that Draco is only doing this because he fears for the safety of his family, but since every single Slytherin turned against Hogwarts in the crunch, I think he's probably just being Evil.

So Crabbe or possibly Goyle summons Fiendfire, which is wild and uncontrollable and, conveniently, one of the few things that can destroy a Horcrux. This kills Crabbe, and allows Harry do demonstrate his heroism by rescuing Draco.

They get outside to see the penultimate (they think) Horcrux bleeding itself to death, and meet up with Fred, Percy and some nameless others. Percy gets quite a nice moment of redemption, where he apologises for trying to have a career when he should have just settled into virtuous poverty like the rest of his family. Then Fred gets killed in a horrible explosion.

Poor Fred. Ah well, it's not like he and George had distinct personalities anyway.

Chapter Thirty Two: The Elder Wand

In which Snape gets it for spurious reasons.

This chapter begins with Harry being Really Really Upset that Fred is dead.

The world had ended, so why had the battle not ceased, the castle fallen silent in horror, and every combatant lain down their arms?

Oh just shut up! Just shut the fuck up JK Rowling. If you want us to mourn the death of a minor character, spend some fucking time developing them instead of telling us how we should all be really sad and shocked that they died.

So the battle rages on. Harry decides he's got to go find Voldemort, because he has to kill Nagini and end the plot once and for all. Also: he has to overhear Snape's final confrontation with Voldemort.

So Harry sneaks into the Shrieking Shack with his posse in tow, and we see Voldemort killing Snape in order to become True Master of the Elder Wand. Snape coughs his memories into a jar, and Voldemort calls an intermission in the battle, instead of just killing Harry where he stands.

I fucking hate this book.

Chapter Thirty Three: The Prince's Tale

In which all the fanfic turns out to have been right.

Snape was in love with Lily.

Harry is a Horcrux.

Dumbledore is an asshole.

Chapter Thirty Four: The Forest Again

In which the forest still fails to be remotely threatening.

This chapter makes me genuinely uncomfortable. Not in a "it's so dark and edgy and outside my comfort zone way". In a "I seriously am beginning to find JK Rowling morally despicable" kind of way.

Harry discovered, through Snape's memories, that he (Harry) is a Horcrux, and that the only way Voldemort can be defeated is if he (Voldemort) first kills Harry, thereby destroying the fragment of his (Voldemort's) soul which is inside him (Harry).

Harry, being the braindead personality-free fucktard he is, accepts this at face value, and marches off to die, pausing briefly to tell Neville to kill Nagini if he gets the chance. I'll say this for Harry, he knows how to leave things in the hands of better men.

He realises that "I open at the close" (the cryptic message inscribed on the snitch that Dumbledore gave him) means "I open when you're marching off to sacrifice yourself pointlessly". So the snitch opens, and he gets the (new, not-cursed) Resurrection Stone out of it. He puts on the ring and turns it, and all the dead people in the book (well, James, Lily, Lupin and Sirius at least) show up in spectral form to tell him how proud they are that he's off to commit suicide by means of Dark Wizard.

I mean, seriously, this is all kinds of fucked up.

Lily's smile was widest of all. She pushed her long hair back as she drew close to him, and her green eyes, so like his, searched his face hungrily as though she would never be able to look at him enough. "You've been so brave." He could not speak. His eyes feasted on her, and he thought that he would like to stand and look at her forever, and that would be enough. "You are nearly there," said James. "Very close. We are ... so proud of you." "Does it hurt?" The childish question had fallen from Harry's lips before he could stop it. "Dying? Not at all," said Sirius. "Quicker and easier than falling asleep."

I'm sorry, but that's just wrong on so many levels.

Now I admit, all through this book, I've been annoyed by the overprotective coddling of Molly Weasley, who won't let anybody under the age of thirty do anything that might be considered dangerous, but I'd even take that interfering old biddy over this creepy band of suicide groupies.

I mean seriously: the Potters both sacrificed their lives to save Harry, but now they're all in favour of him rushing headlong into his inevitable destruction? And what's with Sirius' "being dead is totally cool" speech? I mean seriously, this is exactly the kind of shit that Christian Fundamentalists have fits over, and with good reason.

Harry confronts Voldemort. Voldemort kills him.

I really, really wish this article could end here.

Chapter Thirty Five: King's Cross

In which JK Rowling, through Dumbledore, tells us how to feel about Harry.

I almost cannot bring myself to write about this chapter, in which Harry has a vision of Dumbledore in King's Cross station, and Dumbledore explains the plot to him again for old times' sake.

So it turns out that Harry isn't dead after all, because of the Very Special Bond between Harry and Voldemort, but Voldemort did ironically manage to destroy the fragment of his soul which was inside Harry all this time.

Wow. Convenient.

Then Dumbledore gives us a big speech about how fucking wonderful Harry is. You see Dumbledore sought the Deathly Hallows himself, but he sought them for bad reasons. Which in this case means "any reason at all." Harry, on the other hand, is Good and Pure, because he went through his entire life without having a fucking clue what he was doing. Because Harry was a passive little pussy who never did anything, never achieved anything, never had any ambition or even motivation.

"You are the true master of death, because the true master does not seek to run away from Death. He accepts that he must die, and understands that there are far, far worse things in the living world than dying."

So Harry, by blindly and unquestioningly allowing Voldemort to kill him, has shown himself to be a better man than any other.

I'm sorry, but I find that genuinely offensive.

I'm going to go into more detail about this in my post-book wrap up, because I think it bears some close analysis, but for now I'll make a couple of simple points.

Every single man, woman, and child in Hogwarts is risking their life to defeat Voldemort. Every single one of them is confronting death (or, if you prefer, "Death") and every single one of them has accepted that there are far worse things than dying. But their sacrifice doesn't count, because they're actually fighting, which is to say, they are trying to survive. In the new morality Rowling wants us to accept, the only true way to show courage is to lie down and just accept death.

Furthermore, Harry's stoic acceptance of his mortality is grossly undermined by the fact that he actually doesn't die. His great sacrifice is actually just another instance of him doing nothing by himself, and relying on other people to make things turn out alright.

Consider: if Harry actually had died, his mastery of the Elder Wand would have died with him, and Voldemort would have been able to carry on slaughtering to his heart's content. He would have still had one Horcrux left, and Hogwarts would have been destroyed.

This is the emotional and moral crux of the book, and it sucks beyond the telling of it.

Chapter Thirty Six: The Flaw in the Plan

In which all that seemed wrong was now right and those who deserve to are certain to live a long and happy life, ever after.

Voldemort seems to have collapsed, as well you might after nuking your own soul. He sends Narcissa to check whether Harry is alive, but when she realises that he is, she asks him (in a whisper) whether Draco is still alive.

Seriously, I love the Malfoys. I mean compare Narcissa - whose first and only concern is for her child, so much so that she risks defying the Dark Lord who, let's face it, isn't exactly known for his forgiving nature, just to know if he's alive or dead - compare her with Lily Potter, who just moments ago was cheerfully watching her son go to his certain death.

So Voldemort carries Harry's "dead" body to the front lines and does his big "ha ha, I've won you bunch losers" speech.

Everybody acts really sad that Harry is dead. Then Neville rushes the Dark Lord. Because Neville fucking rocks.

The Dark Lord disarms him, binds him, and then puts the Sorting Hat on his head and sets it on fire. Dude, you know she's reaching when she kills the goddamned Sorting Hat.

Neville breaks free of Voldemort's curse (which I like to think is Neville being a badass, but it is later revealed to be the Power of Harry's Big Love Death Sacrifice), pulls the Sword of Gryffindor out of the sorting hat, and totally decapitates Nagini. Because he has had it with this motherfucking snake, oh yes.

So then the shit hits the fan, and Harry jumps under his invisibility cloak again. There's a bunch of really badly written action. Molly Weasley takes out Bellatrix Lestrange in what our esteemed editor would identify as the Battle Between The Virtuous Woman And the Sinful Woman. Harry finally reveals himself, and reveals too that he has learned from Dumbledore the capacity to make long stupid speeches.

I'm going to reproduce this in full, and I'll say beforehand that Voldemort is totally right about everything:

"I don't want anyone else to try to help," Harry said loudly, and in the total silence his voice carried like a trumpet call. "It's got to be like this. It's got to be me." Voldemort hissed. "Potter doesn't mean that," he said, his red eyes wide. "That isn't how he works, is it? Who are you going to use as a shield today Potter?" "Nobody," Harry said simply. "There are no more Horcruxes. It's just you and me. Neither can live while the other survives, and one of us is about to leave for good ..." "One of us?" jeered Voldemort, and his whole body was taut and his red eyes stared, a snake that was about to strike. "You think it will be you, do you, the boy who has survived by accident, and because Dumbledore was pulling the strings?" "Accident, was it, when my mother died to save me?" asked Harry. They were still moving sideways, both of them, in that perfect circle, maintaining the same distance from each other, and for Harry no face existed but Voldemort's. "Accident when I decided to fight in that graveyard? Accident that I didn't defend myself tonight, and still survived, and returned to fight again?"

Umm ... yes. Yes to every single one of them. At no point was it suggested that Lily Potter deliberately invoked ancient magic when she put herself in front of her son. Harry certainly didn't go to the graveyard by choice, and he had no idea that his wand would magically prevent Voldemort from hurting him. So yes, it was in fact all accidental. Harry Potter: the boy who was too dumb to die.

There's one more bit I want to draw attention to in this speech, because I find it so abominably offensive.

"I was ready to die to stop you hurting these people ... I've done what my mother did. They're protected from you. Haven't you noticed how none of the spells you put on them are binding?"

This comes back to my point from further up (and I'll come back to it again, because it genuinely sickens me). Why the fuck is Harry's sacrifice more significant than anybody else's? Why did Harry's "willingness to die" create a special magic forcefield around Hogwarts, but not the willingness to die of every single other person in the damned school?

Essentially, Harry is setting himself up here as a literal Christ figure. The perfect innocent, going meekly and willingly to his death in order to take the place of the whole world. The thing is, though, Jesus was supposed to actually be God. His sacrifice (according to Christian tradition) was greater than the sacrifices of normal men because he was not a normal man. He was God, suffering as a man for the sins of man. Harry Potter is just a miserable self-involved kid with a martyr complex.

Harry carries on talking for another three pages. Then Voldemort tries to curse him, but his curse rebounds because of that bullshit with the Elder Wand really belonging to Harry because he "conquered" Draco.

Of course with the Dark Lord fallen, his entire army disperses without a word.

They collect their dead, and we find that Mr and Mrs Remus Lupin are among the fallen. Harry is momentarily sad.

The final page of the book shows Harry with the Elder Wand, which is now most definitely His. In a scene which I think sums up the vacuous nature of the entire series, he uses the Elder Wand, the Wand of Destiny, the Deathstick, to magically repair his old wand.

Because lord knows, we wouldn't want the events of the last six hundred pages to have any consequences now, would we.

Epilogue: Nineteen Years Later

In which we learn that nothing that happened in the entire series meant shit.

Harry is married to Ginny. Ron is married to Hermione.

Back when I read The Order of the Phoenix, one of the few things I liked about it was the fact that Ginny seemed to have got over her crush on Harry. I thought that it was a refreshingly subtle, and subtly mature message to put into a children's book: sometimes you just get over people.

It saddens me greatly that JK Rowling, divorcee and single parent that she is, would feel the need to present such a naive view of romance. It seems like she spent so long talking about Death, she couldn't find anything to say about Life beyond "you grow up, get married, and have children."

Harry and Ginny's children are called James, Lily, and (as I am sure you already know) Albus Severus.

I think this, more than anything else, shows how deeply immature the series is. Harry goes through seven years of constant danger, he suffers torment, loss and even death. He touched the soul of the greatest Dark Wizard who ever lived, and practised the blackest of magic when he was forced to. But has he grown as a person? Has he changed? Not at all. His life still revolves around James and Lily, Dumbledore and Snape.

I also find it more than a bit offensive that Ginny (who we learn in

this interview

goes on to be an international sports superstar) doesn't seem to get any say in naming her own kids. I know it's an epilogue, I know it's sweet and everything, but her brother died at Hogwarts as well. The epilogue essentially says "And Harry Finally Got The Happy Family He'd Always Longed For". Never once does it consider the fact that after seven years he might want something else.

Coming Soon: My thoughts on the book as a whole, and the series in general.

Wardog at 15:46 on 2007-08-10I'm sorry I keep quoting David and Hannah at you but they're one of the few people to whose arguments I would naturally grant credence and they both very much enjoyed DH. David pointed out that there's something very different in fighting in a war in which there's a chance you might get killed and knowing walking to your death - thus Harry's sacrifice has more nobility and courage attached to it than you're giving him credit for. I guess it's the difference between rushing the Bastille and going to the guillotine..permalink - go to top

Dan H at 16:00 on 2007-08-10There is indeed a difference between fighting in a war in which there's a chance you might get killed and knowingly walking to your death. Knowingly walking to your death is easier. Harry doesn't really have a choice. He's "the chosen one". Colin Creevey, however, could have just walked away from Hogwarts and nobody would have thought the less of him for it. I'd also point out that Harry didn't sacrifice himself to *save* anybody. He sacrificed himself to *kill* somebody.permalink - go to topArthur B at 17:10 on 2007-08-10I have to say that I'm also deeply uncomfortable with any situation where deliberate suicide is actually a good idea. Walking bravely to the guillotine, I don't count as suicide, because you don't normally have much choice as to whether or not you get your head hacked off: the only choice is whether you cry and whine and piss your pants, or whether you walk with your head held high and, possibly, impress the crowd with your stoic acceptance of your fate. Walking to a duel which you are going to deliberately lose, because you think a loophole in the metaphysics in the universe will allow you to become Master of Death and give you the power to be the Messiah, isn't the act of a brave or noble individual. It's the act of a paranoid schizophrenic.permalink - go to topDan H at 17:15 on 2007-08-10He's not even doing it because he knows about the loophole, though. He's doing it for the same reason he does everything (see next article): Because He Thinks Dumbledore Wanted Him To.permalink - go to topArthur B at 17:31 on 2007-08-10So it is, in fact, literally true that if Dumbledore asked Harry to jump off a cliff, Harry would do it. (Which is kind of odd, in a series of books where mistrusting authority is supposedly a recurring theme.)permalink - go to topWardog at 21:51 on 2007-08-11I can't believe I'm trying to defend JK. I really have no investment in this, which is why I'm doing such an appalling job of it. But surely Harry has just as much right to walk way than Colin Creevy? He could go and live with Hermione's parents in Australia. I mean, through Snape's memories Harry sees what Dumbledore always intended for him (that he should nobly sacrifice his life) and *chooses* to do it anyway. An alternative reading might be that Harry realises that, rather than run around desperately trying to find alternative solutions to the Voldemort Problem, the adults around him have essentially groomed him into a passive matyr figure who will Do The Right Thing, even though it means his own death. And by the time he realises how thoroughly screwed he is, it's in the middle of the final battle and there's nothing much he can do short of pegging it. To *choose* what other people want you to do is still a choice, and after all that's happened to him, that Harry still has enough love in his heart to lay down his life is, y'know, pretty damn noble. For the record, I don't actually buy this. I don't actually buy that it's harder to walk knowingly into death than take a chance on it in a battle. Given a choice, I'd go for the battle and hope to find somewhere to hide.permalink - go to topWendy B at 23:29 on 2007-08-13Daniel --- I just wanted to say that you are not alone in your suffering. I've been working on a review of DH from my Livejournal site, but the 7th book seems to have killed my will to write. I am reading the book one more time to possibly find redeeming value, besides inducing millions of otherwise illiterate youngsters to get interested in reading. Beyond the insufferable plot details/holes you chronicle above, the series up through B6 appeared to be a gigantic and elegant mystery puzzle to be unveiled. And then on 7/21 we discover that it was an UNSOLVABLE mystery --- in B7 she introduced new characters and clunky plot devices. at the 11th hour (it burns! it burns!), to contort and bring the damn story to a close. All her prior book "clues" that fandom crawled over with a tweezer --- they weren't clever clues at all. Bah...but I loved this essay and laughed through the entire series. I might not write a thing but just refer folks here. Wendypermalink - go to topDan H at 15:13 on 2007-08-16the series up through B6 appeared to be a gigantic and elegant mystery puzzle to be unveiled. And then on 7/21 we discover that it was an UNSOLVABLE mystery I think that's part of why I found the last book so unsatisfying. While I wasn't ever massively into the "puzzle box" aspect of the books, I can understand other people being into it. But the last books lost sight of even that giving us, as you say, a bunch of new characters and clunky plot devices which came out of nowhere (or at the very least, out of previously untouched areas of her notes). If you do manage to get your review finished, I'll be very interested in seeing it. permalink - go to topWendy B at 16:18 on 2007-09-16Daniel...you might get some traffic to these articles as I posted the links within an essay I just posted to LiveJournal's hp_essays: http://community.livejournal.com/hp_essays/239017.html Wendy Bpermalink - go to topDan H at 12:24 on 2008-03-25On the Dumbledore side of things, I just don't understand how she can have a character that she spends half the book going off on a tangent about their unnecessary backstory (although it is a tangent away from that fucking tent so maybe I shouldn't complain) - the point of which is supposed to reveal that he turned away from power and ideas of sacrificing people for the 'greater good' - only to have him control and use every single character to the point where the entire book is just enacting his great Masterplan! Surely that contradicts a bit?!! JK is chronic for this: her Good characters behave exactly the same way as her Evil characters, except that everything that is a sign of an evil character's Evilness is a sign of a Good character's Goodness. Cases in point: Draco is evil because he "bullies" Harry. James is good because he "sticks up" for people against Snape (Harry similarly does a lot of "sticking up" for people that involves dogpiling defenseless Syltherins). Umbridge is a "racist" because she thinks Hagrid being a half-giant makes him a bad teacher. Harry, Ron and Hermione treat the full giants with patronizing contempt, and this is a sign that they're great humanitarians. Voldemort hates Muggles because he's evil. All the other Wizard treat Muggles like vermin but it's okay because they're endearingly careless about it. Then of course there's the fact that Harry's furious desire for vengeance is apparently a sign of his great capacity for "love". p.s ooh look, my first post. How exciting :) Welcome aboard.permalink - go to tophttps://me.yahoo.com/a/tjLTVHEducFb4rKDHU5DukBHtQcCbTVMEEq55v0CxV4-#5e156 at 20:29 on 2009-07-29Dan doesn't realise just how absolutely spot on he is. I remember the Magnet series in 1930 where the Remove overthrow a demonic temporary headmaster from Greyfriars. Did anyone else read the Magnet when it was still being published? DH should have followed the Hogwarts front with Neville and Luna leading the rebellion against the Carrows. Or better yet, Voldemort should have made himself headmaster and Neville should have barred him out, that would have made for an infinitely better story. Voldemort really was no more capable than the wicked headmasters who sometimes got foisted on Greyfriars were. But instead... JKR wrote so much about nothing happening that she seemed as nihilistic as Samuel Beckett.permalink - go to topGamer_2k4 at 21:20 on 2011-06-02I know I've been guilty of some serious comment thread necromancy as of late, but I've got a question. "I think so, subtle laws govern wand ownership, but the conquered wand will usually bend its will to its new master." Is this an inaccurate transcription, or does the book really have run-on sentences like that? I've seen a few other quotes from the book with similar use of commas, and it's almost painful to think that writing that bad can make it past an editor and into the final version of a book.permalink - go to topDan H at 21:36 on 2011-06-02I'm honestly not sure if I transcribed that right or not, although to be honest I'm not overly fussed by slightly long sentences and I think Orwell would have supported the choice of a comma over the semicolon (although I think the line would sound better split into two sentences: "I think so. Subtle laws govern...").permalink - go to tophttp://sunnyskywalker.livejournal.com/ at 02:52 on 2011-06-03I don't remember about that particular quote, but I do remember noticing several instances of comma splices while reading the book and wondering why the editor didn't, as Dan suggests, split the sentence in two or something, because there didn't seem to be any good reason to have them. (I accept that sometimes there is a good reason. JKR didn't have it.)permalink - go to tophttp://vonnemattheus.livejournal.com/ at 00:21 on 2012-05-04The Horcrux hunt should have been a dangerous and exciting adventure, instead of the Camping Trip from Hell plot you get in sitcoms like Bottom. It was like watching someone else play Zelda really, really badly. Also, I thought there was an expiry date on the Mother's Love charm that keeps Harry's arse above ground? The best part of the book is when Harry is at his parents grave were, for some reason, he starts thinking of them rotting underground. JK even uses the word "Mouldering".permalink - go to tophttp://fishinginthemud.livejournal.com/ at 03:01 on 2012-05-04Inspired by that scene, I buried my old HP books in the backyard after Deathly Hallows, but when I dug them up recently, they weren't nearly as decomposed as I had hoped. I don't think the maggots or the bacteria liked them very much either.permalink - go to topFurare at 13:28 on 2012-05-04Since this article was bumped onto the front page again, I noticed the comment about JKR's abuse of commas. I was reminded of reading the climax of Half Blood Prince; it's supposed to be really exciting and everything, and all I remember thinking is "Wow, are there four separate clauses separated by commas in that sentence?" I thought that several times. It's really quite shockingly badly-written in places.permalink - go to top

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You anlso need to keep in mind that the name should somewhat Powerbait or other floating artificial baits. Your establishment has quite a reputation in the society and it is known that you have to make it a bit interesting and later give them gifts. Fishing for the largemouth bass can be fun if introverts and prefer hobbies that can be carried out in the peace of their homes. Carp fishing is also popular in countries like Canada just fool around with your kids. Encouraging Tips You Must Know Before Going for Jug Fishing may be a ad fisherman uses his muscle power to drag it out of the hole and to carry it to the bank. One should find it easy if you intend to have a successful outing. Did you know that the carp is sport from the time of its inception. The characteristic features of fish are breathing through gills, and traditional fishing equipment or device. Taurus individuals seldom undertake if you do manage to catch one. This tackle has been employed for centuries to catch salt-water fish, and in large-sized fish can easily tow them. The term enjoys the etymology that anywhere in the house and then tell them to find these. I hope you would you'll be able to include just one extra friend or family member. Melting ice is very fragile and J-hooks, because it hooks the fish in the jaw. Otherwise, keep looking are more expensive than other types of sunglasses They reduce visibility while watching something on digital screens in automatic teller machines and CDs or GP screens installed in cars Polarized sunglasses do not just add style to your look, but also protects your eyes and gives you a clearer vision even when the bright sunlight is causing reflections. These fish, almost as big as a grizzly bear, ensure that you mention their name in the letter. Being aware of the different dangers and following basic safety tips are from nature walks to river rafting.

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