#doctor who season 14 episode 2

[fan-of-chaos]

I love how freaked out the Doctor was in every scene in this episode since Maestro appeared.

[causalityparadoxes]

Absolutely obsessed with the decision to make a character who's really into DnD and also absolutely shit at improv btw.

It would have been be soooo easy to make him good at it. I like to imagine the Doctor expected him to be good at it too. But some of us ARE really awkward at roleplay when it comes down to it and thats okay. Rogue's one of us <3

[edwardshundredyearoldspunk]

just watched the new doctor who and I think the most accurate word to describe how I feel about this episode is frustration. I think the smaller seasons are really starting to show the cracks because I should not be annoyed to have an entire other doctor lite episode centered on ruby sunday. I LOVE ruby to fucking bits. but there's only 8 episodes! you can't make a backdoor unit pilot that barely even has the doctor or belinda in it when there's already so little real estate to get to know those two with! and it's not that the episode is bad. it's actually quite good. it's just that the whole time I'm watching it I'm thinking, "now there's one less episode with the doctor and belinda."

[yahoo201027]

Day in Fandom History: May 11…

The Doctor and Ruby land in 1963 London at Abbey Road Studios to meet The Beatles, but discover that an all-powerful entity named Maestro is changing history by stealing music, turning London into a battlefield and future of humanity's survival at stake. “The Devil's Chord” premiered on this day, A Year Ago.

[connormoving]

thank GODDD the doctor is taking time to work on himself maybe now he can stop ruining womens lives .

[oxeanic]

For what it's worth, here's my best guess as to what actually happened behind the scenes over the past few seasons:

Due to a combination of low ratings, political opposition to the BBC, and general economic woes, the BBC decides to switch Doctor Who from totally in-house production to a co-production with Bad Wolf Studios, Russel T Davies' production company.

Disney agrees to provide Doctor Who with a significant amount of funding in exchange for exclusive international distribution rights.

Filming for Series 14 / Season 1 began in December 2022, and ended in July 2023; filming for Series 15 / Season 2 began a few months later in October 2023 and wrapped in May 2024, just around the time Series 14 began broadcasting

At some point before Series 15 began filming, Millie Gibson (Ruby) decided to leave the show, for reasons which are as of yet unknown. Varada Sethu is hastily brought on as the companion for Series 15, with Sethu's good on-screen chemistry with Ncuti Gatwa in "Boom" being a major contributing factor.

The new companion, Belinda, is slotted into the scripts for Series 15 in Ruby's place, with the result being that Belinda is rather under-characterized. @/galileosballs has a more in-depth post about that here, which is well worth reading.

The Disney deal was for the 60th anniversary specials and two further series, with any renewal of the deal to be decided later. Production on Series 15 draws to a close, and the production team waits to hear what Disney has to say.

Disney doesn't say anything, one way or the other.

Doctor Who is in a state of limbo. When Gatwa has an appearance on the Graham Norton Show in late 2024, he mentions that he expects filming for Series 16 to begin the following year (2025). This is cut from broadcast.

Time passes, and no announcement comes. It's clear that there won't be any new Doctor Who until at least 2027. At some point, Gatwa decides to leave, deciding that just waiting around for another year would be a bad move, career-wise. The decision is made to keep his exit a secret, much like how Eccleston's exit was originally planned to be a surprise.

This necessitates hasty rewrites and reshoots of the Series 15 finale. The original ending of the episode - likely featuring the Doctor and Belinda celebrating at a party with Belinda's family, with Susan watching from a distance to set up next series' arc - is scrapped. The new ending, written largely on the fly, is kinda nonsensical, rather sexist, and (with the notable exception of a cameo from Jodie Whittaker), generally Not Good.

By the time of the reshoots, a new actor to play the Doctor has not been found. A version of the new ending is prepared that does not reveal who the new Doctor is played by. At some point prior to the broadcast of the finale on May 31st 2025, Billie Piper agrees to return to Doctor Who as the Doctor. I've previously written about why I think this is a bad idea, but it's also possible that very few people were willing to sign on, given the uncertain state of the show, and Piper was simply the only viable choice.

As for the future, it's possible that Disney will decide not to renew their funding agreement, but this is likely not the end to the show or anything. Scripts for Series 16 have been written, and those for Series 17 nearly finalized. Doctor Who will continue, though perhaps with a reduced budget. It might very well not be very good, but it will continue. And hopefully whoever the next showrunner is after Davies (my money's on Pete McTighe) will be able to turn things around.

[txttletale]

i have not even watched the latest season so feel free to ignore me completely, but i thought the issue was less that gatwa has to “share” his introduction/departure with two beloved white characters and more to do with the fact that like. his era feels like a relatively short blip sandwiched between them. like im just shocked to hear that he died already? after two short seasons? again i cant speak confidently on the subject until i eventually get around to watching it but it makes it seem like rtd was too excited to return to his old favorites to properly flesh out 15s run, which i think should be given extra attention/care given that its a big moment in the shows history as the first* black doctor who, thus continuing his long-running habit of undermining black characters in favor of white ones

i mean that just isn't how or why things happened, really. no doctor has been like, fired since colin baker. a lot of what actually happened behind the scenes is of course under wraps but there's a lot of leaks indicating that both gatwa and davies wanted gatwa to do at least three seasons (which has been the standard for nuwho doctors since tennant's original run), but disney got cold feet on renewing after season 14 didn't hit whatever metrics they had (and because internal management shifted between the deal being made and the seasons airing, and the new management is much less keen to spend money on programming in general) -- as of now, even, we don't now if there'll be a third season with disney+ or not -- and gatwa, who is something of a rising star, very understandably didn't want to put his career on pause so that he could be on call when and if an uncertain season sixteen happens.

so, yeah, gatwa absolutely got very few episodes compared to any nuwho doctor except eccleston, which is a tragedy but seems to be largely a result of 1. this unfortunate production limbo on season 16 and 2. the awful decision (whether it was for budget, or to match other shows on streaming) to cut seasons down to eight episodes. like, it's not as though davies tossed gatwa aside and said "right, fuck off now, i want to do ROSE TYLER now" -- by almost all accounts it seems like the plan was to do a third season with gatwa at least and the february round of reshoots served mostly to turn the reality war into a regeneration story at the last minute. similarly i don't think that billie piper was, like, what RTD was secretly raring to do and exchited to get gatwa out of the way for -- i think it's a pathetic attempt to generate headlines at a point where the show's future is uncertain.

& again, i think there's a lot of things to criticize about gatwa's run, and davies' writing of his doctor! i also think gatwa was absolutely done dirty by the marketing or lack thereof, which absolutely has an element of racism to it, and the constant racist attacks on him and the show in the uk press. but, yknow, i think this 'vibe' you're getting is just not founded in the facts we know about how things played out

[cipher-fresh]

Mutual #1: Ruby is DEFINITELY Missy’s daughter guys

Mutual #2: I wish 15 had condemned cops or something when Ruby asked why the TARDIS looked like that

Mutual #3: CHRISTOPHER ECCLESTON. CHRIS. CHRIS COME BACK BABY

Mutual #4: She Charley on my Pollard till i Scherzo

Mutual #5: I hate that Moffat is returning to write an episode. Can Steven Moffat kill himself please

Mutual #6: I love that Moffat is returning to write an episode. Can RTD kill himself please

Mutual #7: What if we kissed in front of Ianto’s shrine in Cardiff and we were both girls

Mutual #8: Chibnall’s episodes outside of his era are some of his better ones. I think for every cool thing he does there’s law of conservation of energy applies and the next episode he makes sucks

Mutual #9: I really do not mean to TJLC but i think the Doctor is going to realize he’s in a TV show this season. Bc i don’t know what to do with the death of RTD’s subtlety in foreshadowing

Mutual #10: I’m not misogynistic but I just hate everything about the 13th Doctor era and I just think it doesn’t have a single redeeming quality.

Mutual #11: You are literally an anti-feminist if you hate anything about the 13th Doctor era

Mutual #12: Spydoc are pegging each other rn in my Google docs

Mutual #13: Guys I’m getting a tattoo of the 8th doctor should it say “autism” or “lesbian” underneath in impact font

Mutual #14: It’s so sad that Simm!master turned into a puppygirl. Oh well I must comply to canon

Mutual #15: Was Thasmin queerbaiting? No nuance pick one

Mutual #16: Everybody listen to the TV movie soundtrack NEOWWWWWWW

Mutual #17: Tegan and Nyssa would have the Monkees on their sex playlist

Mutual #18: I just wish 14 got a whole season, you know? Or maybe two. Or three. Who needs 15 anyway?

Mutual #19: If David Tennant steps foot on a Doctor Who stage again I will kill him with my blade

Mutual #20: Link to pirating big finish in reblog. everybody please come to 6th Doctor land with me

[queers-gambit]

Let The Redeemed Tell Their Story [ pt. 1 ]

part one: Not So Heavenly Surprise

pt. 2: Let the Redeemed Tell Their Story

prompt: reunions are bittersweet. feelings are hard. times are tough, redemption is sought, goodbyes feel impossible; there's blood in the snow, tears in their eyes, and a haunting goodbye in the air.

pairing: Joel Miller x female!wife!reader

fandom masterlist: HBO's The Last of Us

word count: 9.3k+

note: in my best Tom Segura voice, "get. fucking. ready." -> second 24-27 from this TikTok for reference

second note: broken up into two parts. pt 1: the reunion, pt. 2: the drama and angst

warnings: suicidal ideology / mention as pertains to Joel's story. we talk death and dead bodies, mentions of dead children. cursing, use of Y/N, so many spoilers, reader insert!! pet names for / by all, step parents are REAL parents, forgiveness, heavy redemption arc, canon-level violence!! small comfort, some fluff, established relationship, and then super-sized angst, author wants you to hurt! oh, and fatal main character injury! maturity and caution required! written before season two!

❗️season one, episode six spoilers

Needless to say, Ellie, Joel, and Tess all got off to the wrong start, on the wrong foot, in the wrong direction. It wasn't exactly any of their faults, though.

There had been an ambush; blood, bullets, a knife, battery acid; there being no real friendly way to meet others post Outbreak. And in these trying times amongst the Firefly Rebellion, there was an added extra layer of anxiety to everything - making it hard to come by trust, especially after Joel himself conducted particularly heinous crimes against humanity. He knew what people were capable of, and even though Ellie was smaller and not visibly a threat to him, he wasn't going to let his guard down. That's how you fucked around and found out.

Life felt brittle and unbalanced, no room for new friendships or bonds or trust or camaraderie in this dog-eat-dog world.

Plus Joel aimed a gun at Ellie, she wasn't entirely willing to play nice after that. And Tess was evidently just Joel's lapdog - meaning she had a helluva bite as bad as her bark - so, the older woman wasn't entirely screaming "friendly" either. There was something off about them, but Ellie couldn't identify what it was; knowing she had to trust that if her mother's friend was right, this couple was just a vehicle - a means - to get her west. There were facilities, laboratories, doctors, and researchers conducting life-saving experiments that could see the start and end of this Outbreak in the same lifetime. Ellie was excited to be part of those answers since it was all the 14-year-old could hold onto after losing Riley to the Infection; thinking she wouldn't ever have to endure that twist of fate again if she went west.

Yet for now, she was saddled with Joel and Tess; the latter of who left the pair at the apartment to gather supplies for their trip into Boston to link with the Firefly transport team. She had to play nice for, what? All of two, maybe three days? Tops? Ellie figured she could do that, she was stronger than anyone wanted to give her credit for. So, when Joel crashed on the couch, she poked around the bleak 'home' out of pure childlike nosiness.

There wasn't anything personal to the naked eye, until she caught sight of the stained-glass butterfly hanging in the window pane; sure to catch the light when the sun was shining. She thought it curiously out of place, yet would not say a word when Tess returned and Joel was instantly lifting to his feet to take it down. He quickly wrapped it in an old shirt and stored it as safely as he could deep in his supply pack, eyes casted downward to miss Tess' glare and head shake of disappointment. Or perhaps, he didn't miss them at all and purposefully avoided the eyes of a jilted lover, offended by a childish decoration.

In fact, interestingly, Ellie noted that Joel was much more caring and considerate with his pack than he was Tess. She never saw them romantically interact, but understood there was some kind of trauma bond between them; feeling something heavy in her chest when witnessing their goodbyes. It was the most emotional Joel had appeared this whole time, and of course, it was in the shadow of losing someone he cared about.

Joel was in denial, even when Tess revealed her bite and compared it to Ellie's - whose skin was scabbing and healing. "When Y/N first - "

"Don't say her name," Joel snapped.

"Fuck you and listen! When Y/N first theorized there would come immunity in younger generations, we both told her she was fucking crazy. She left us, left you, Joel - "

"Don't you fuckin' say that - you don't talk about her like that!"

"We don't have time for you to play this game, Joel! She went in search of a sign - and now, look! This is real," Tess yanked Ellie's arm further into the light. "Joel, she's fucking real, and you haven't heard anything from Y/N in years - not even Tommy's heard from her! Isn't that why we're going - why you're going? So her death isn't in vain?" Joel shook his head, but the attention shifted when Tess' hand started to shake. She released Ellie and tucked her arm out of sight, insisting, "I need you to get her to Bill and Frank's - "

"No."

"They'll take her off your hands - "

"No."

" - they'll handle it from there."

Joel refused at first, but Tess was running out of time and used every tactic at her disposal. She insisted and demanded. Tears filled her eyes, "The past 15 years, all you've wanted was absolution - it's what Y/N wanted, so it became what you wanted - "

"I told you, don't fuckin' talk about her," Joel snarled angrily, but Tess didn't flinch this time... Because there was no time.

"Face it! She's dead, Joel, but she was waiting for anyone like Ellie!"

"You don't know that!"

"I know it's easier to think she's out there, Joel, but this is Y/N we're talking about - she would've sent word! She hated what we did so much, she left to search for anything better! For anything, Joel! You have to do this. This is it, Joel, this is your chance for you and her to set everything right."

It seemed to do the trick and Ellie wondered who you could've been since your very name set Joel on edge. Yet there was no time to question either of them because a wave of Infected was on their way to them after the chain network of fungi called them to their newest prey. There was panic permeating the air as they had about a minute or two to get gone, arm themselves, or fruitlessly hide before the Infected would reach them.

Tess began overturning gallons of gasoline onto the floor, devising a quick plan; tossing several explosives to the ground with the intention that they would all catch. "Joel," Tess hushed, approaching him, "it's what she would want... If Y/N was here, in my position, she'd be telling you the same thing... If not for me, do it for her. Save who you can save."

Joel only hesitated a moment before turning from Tess and grabbing Ellie, yanking her out of the building after him despite her profane protests. Tess sacrificed herself for their escape, firm in her belief that a cure was possible after witnessing the impossible herself; evident the adults were still living in the past, stuck on what was and all that they lost.

Ellie was deeply motivated by Tess' display, curious if there ever was something to 'return' to, making the newly independent pair quiet on their journey through the suburbs beyond the city.

At Bill and Frank's, they were greeted by only more death. There was nothing out here for them; completely alone, only with each other to rely on. So, Joel and Ellie formed a sort of pact to travel together west in search of the Fireflies and Tommy, Joel's brother - entire reason for his mission trip. Yet still, she felt this mystery woman haunting Joel; it was in nearly everything he said or did, evident there was harbored history he refused to acknowledge. Ellie never had the opportunity to vocalize her question who you were, it was never natural, no bridge, no Segway or reason to ever bring your name up; and after seeing the way Joel snapped at Tess, she wasn't entirely eager to endure a similar reaction.

So she didn't ask that question.

And they kept going.

After Kansas City, Ellie wasn't too excited for answers anymore, especially since she failed to save Sam; in fact, she began to dread their destination the further they got. She was unsure what waited for her and let the anxiety of the unknown drag her down; something Joel took acute note of, but didn't directly address. The obvious turmoil and the way he was haunted by the very mention of his estranged wife's name contributed to the heaviness growing in his chest.

December 11th, 2023 twenty years after Outbreak Day

"Hey, Doc! Doc!"

"Yeah? All right there, Arthur?" You asked pleasantly, trudging up the street leading to the cantina.

"Oh, yeah, yeah, you know me, just my sciatica actin' up again," the older man grunted, waddling in stride beside you. "I done told you this weather was gonna drag me down, see here?"

"Hey now, c'mon, all right, hold onto me, don't need you tippin' over again," you chuckled, keeping the aging elder upright, both shuffling along. "I got what you need, don't you worry, a nice tincture for yah, fresh this morning. All right? Help clear this episode right up - let's get you somethin' warm t'eat, c'mon, there you go, step carefully, all right, now."

"You always spoilin' me," he tisked.

"Us older folk gotta stick together, huh?"

"You're hardly up there," Arthur scoffed, shuffling into the cantina with your assistance. "You're, what? 30? 32?"

"Oh, you ol' charmer," you snickered, waving or nodding at the few citizens that quietly greeted you in passing to the dining room, "you know better than to ask a lady her age!"

"Oh, well, maybe an old timer like me was just tryna hedge his bets."

"Hey? What's that supposed to mean?"

You helped him into a seat across the way from Two Left Lenny as he explained, "Couple o'us got a li'l bet goin' if you're really with that Tommy fella or Maria lady. Can't figure you out, darlin', and you're too pretty t'stay single."

With a snort of amusement, you pushed his seat in, "Now, you wouldn't be tryna set me up with nobody, would'jah? Arthur, I'm tellin' you what, don't do it now."

"Oh, no, never," Arthur sang, hands held in defense.

"Uh-huh, okay, Trouble. Sit tight, I'll grab you somethin'," you patted his shoulder, asked Lenny if he needed anything, then moved towards the buffet line; chuckling to yourself about his little queries. You made up a quick plate with a simple cup of black coffee, chitchatting to the other residents as you went before dropping the meal at the table. "Now, you're gonna eat all them eggs, huh? They're good protein, you need it," you mused, reaching for your usual crossbody canvas tote to rummage around before producing a tincture bottle. "All right, here you go - use moderately. The grove I harvest them cloves at is dryin' up. I gotta replant - "

Before you could continue, a chair shrilly scraped against the floor and someone cried your name. Only... This was a familiar Southern drawl you knew originated from one place.

Whipping around towards the sound, you only needed a moment before Joel's figure was clear as day; stood from his seat in shell shock. He had tears in his wide eyes.

"Joel?" You breathed, and without another thought, rushed for him. "Holy shit, that you? That really you? Oh, my good God, how the fuck - what're you - c'mere!"

The clash of your bodies thudded across the cantina; blissful, unfiltered laughter filling the hearts of any with the ability to hear. Arms clung like cling wrap to each other, rubbing in shock and disbelief as if to reassure the feeling of one another - alive and real, physically here right now. You felt his chest heaving, mouth at your ear hushing, thick with emotion, "I thought you dead, baby; oh, my God. Thought you was gone, I had t'come a'lookin' - you said - you said if I ain't hear from you - "

"Oh, sweetheart, I know, hey, hey," you sighed, petting the back of his head; fingers loosely raking in salted locks. "I'm so sorry I couldn't send word, but I'm right here, honey, I'm right here... Shhh, 's all right, I gotcha, 'M here. Just focus on that."

And just like that, it was as if not a day had passed; as if there was no bad blood or past transgressions, only the here and now: sheer relief.

"Baby, I-I gotta - "

"I gotcha, you're okay," you hushed with your eyes squeezing shut upon feeling yourself dampen with his tears.

"I can't believe it's really you," he whispered. "Shit," with one last squeeze, he pulled back first but kept your cheeks caressed in both hands, "lemme a look at yah. You still you? You hurt?"

"Man," you tisked, smacking his bicep to make him flinch back in amusement, "what the fuck are you doin' all the way out here? How the hell are you even here? Thought I left you in Boston?"

"It's a bit of a long story."

You nodded, "Yeah, yeah, it always is, innit? Go on, sit, go, you were eating, c'mon." You both moved back for his side of the table; reaching out to position his chair and wait for him to reclaim it. "Tommy? You got somethin' to do with this?"

"Apparently," he mused, smirk ever present as you clapped Joel's shoulder and took note of the girl sitting beside him - who eyed you with mistrust. "Oh, uh, Y/N, this is Joel's... uh, Ellie. Ellie, this is our town's physician, Dr. Y/N Miller."

"Nice t'meet yah," you smiled, offering the girl your hand not resting on Joel's shoulder, "Ellie."

"No shit," she breathed, ignoring your hand to stand. "You're her? You're her - you're the Doctor. You're who Marlene told me about."

"Marlene?" You and Joel asked as the same time, but in very different pitches. Ellie noticed the natural way your hand caressed the back of his neck in silent restraint; a motion so practiced from years of marriage. "No shit, how's she doin'? She's not been on the radio lately, I haven't heard from her, God, maybe in years," You mused.

"Now you know how that feels," Joel easily quipped, putting a smile on Tommy's face to realize how identical this scene had once been in another life... But with Sarah.

"Hear that?" Tommy whispered to Maria behind his hand with a smirk. "Family."

"Good, last I knew," Ellie shrugged. "She's in Boston, but, uh, I hear you been lookin' for someone like me - "

"Ellie," Joel interrupted, the girl reading his face and silencing herself.

Your head cocked before a coy smile tugged on your lips as you eyed her up and down. "Uh-huh. Well, all right, honey, I just didn't know what was comin' my way." You tisked your teeth, encouraging, "Go on, sweetie, sit down, eat, enjoy. We'll get t'chattin' later, huh?"

"All right, yeah," Ellie smiled, sitting again. "What?" She asked Joel, who was shooting her an incredulous look. "I know some people, too."

"Uh-huh," he grunted, both going back to their meals. Your trio watched the two tuck in, Dina tapping your shoulder nervously, presenting your usual cup of coffee.

"Oh, thank you, darlin'. Hey, can I introduce - Oh, no, no, that's okay," you smiled when the girl turned and scurried away mid-sentence. "Listen, I gotta get back t'work - "

"Nah, c'mon, stay for a while, you're always moving, honey bee, c'mon," Tommy encouraged, tears slowly collecting in your eyes.

"Duty calls," you eased, sending Maria a pointed look.

"We'll find you later," she agreed, subtly nudging Tommy's foot under the table; watching you squeeze Joel's shoulder and nod at Ellie.

"Nice t'meet yah," you winked.

"Wait," Joel panicked, reaching to grab your hand to prevent your escape, "you really leavin'?"

"I've got some work to get done," you nodded softly.

"We just got here," he stood from his seat again, "I just found you again, doll, please."

You offered a half smile, "You'll be all right, Joel, promise. I'm never too far."

"Nah, no, darlin', hang on, 'cause last time I let you walk away, I ain't see you for fuckin' years - "

"No, hey, Joel, take a breath, baby. I'm not goin' too far, I'm right here in Jackson, all right? You're okay, y'all are safe - I just gotta wrap some shit up but I'll find you after, all right? Sure we got plenty t'catch up on, huh?"

"Yeah," Tommy scoffed without thought, "tends t'happen after two decades, right?" You and Joel pinned Tommy with an identical look of reprimand, making him laugh, "Wow - ain't seen that look in forever, huh?"

"Shut it, Tommy," you laughed, squeezing Joel's arm. "Sit, I'll find yah. Promise."

You sought solace in the medical office, distracting yourself through the waves of emotions you were being slandered with; but with rangers returning, there was thankfully no room for your emotional turmoil.

"No waaay!" Ellie beamed when she saw the foal poking her head over the stall door. Cavernous nostrils flared in greeting, the baby beast excited to greet another youngling.

"I see you've met our newest addition," you mused as you came up behind the group; starling Joel and Ellie. They physically flinched, but Tommy and Maria were far too used to your lithe movements. With a fraction of guilt, your hands went up in defense, "Sorry, sorry, bit light-footed."

Joel didn't deflate, but Ellie smiled, "What's her name?"

"That's Shimmer, just a few months old," you introduced, moving to lean on the stall's outer wall. "Go on, pet 'er if you'd like," you encouraged softly.

Ellie approached the filly, greeting, "Shimmer, you're so beautiful."

"Ever ride a horse before?"

"Nah, never... I'd like to learn, though."

"I'm sure we can make that happen," you nodded, looking at your estranged husband; mind whirling with the memories of teaching Sarah to horseback ride. Judging by the look on his face, he was lost in the same thoughts. So you tried to bring him back to reality by asking, "That is, if it's all right with you, Joel?"

"Hm?" He perked up.

"Ellie, learnin' t'ride?"

"Oh, uh... We'll see," he alluded, shifting his weight and looking away; hands wringing together.

"Well," Maria sighed, "I'm sure they'd like a shower, some new clothes. Doc, you got room for them or should we set them up in the house across the way?"

"They can stay at mine," you pushed off the wall, assuring the weary travelers, "plenty of room, decent place. I haven't really touched it so it might not feel much like home, but it's got heat and water. Could do worse."

"Oh, trust me, we have been," Ellie teased, alluding to the rough conditions they traveled through. You smirked in agreement, understanding first hand how difficult the trip from Boston to Jackson was.

But the child's comment made Joel snip, "We've been doin' fine."

You watched Ellie's face fall in confusion, as if she didn't understand Joel's defensiveness. Yet you did, nodding at Joel to try to assure him that you knew he did all he could in the given circumstances. He didn't need to feel inadequate since Jackson only had certain amenities of privilege because it was one of a kind. He looked down - hardly the man you knew, making your concern spike momentarily; realizing you'd have to relearn about the man you married 20some years ago; where for 5 or so years, you were a ruthless barbarian, then spent 15 years rectifying your wrongdoings, too many of which you've been gone from his side.

"Well, Doc can take Ellie over if you two wanna catch up?" Maria offered; Tommy looking to his brother for an answer.

"Yeah... Okay," Joel accepted after a moment of thought.

Tommy moved to lead the way, Ellie quietly hissing, "Joel."

"You'll be fine," he promised the girl, pointing at you, "trust her with my life, hand t'God."

Ellie noted that seemed to be a common theme; first with Marlene relaying her trust in Doc, now Joel. She watched him walk away with his brother, a strange feeling of abandonment brewing in her belly; hating how seemingly the moment he found his brother, he left her. You nodded to Maria, who left the pair of you to go about her daily chores; asking Ellie, "Shall we, honey?"

"Uh, yeah," she agreed, still watching the two men before almost forcing herself to follow you.

"If it's any comfort, we only leave the property for necessity. They're just headin' inta town. Won't be too far at any given point."

"Right."

"Ever had your own bedroom?"

"Uh, kinda?" She offered, now keeping pace with you. "I had a roommate, but... She joined the Fireflies, left me alone in our dorm..."

"You were FEDRA?"

"Yeah, in their orphanage."

You frowned, striding towards your house across from Maria and Tommy's., "Fuckin' brutal. Bet you're glad to be outta there."

"You have no idea."

"Oh, I got some - hence why I left," you snickered, nudging her playfully. "All right, here we go," you pushed open the front door, "so, real simple, right? Living room," you gestured, "kitchen's through there - backdoor, too," you pointed. "Right, so, up the stairs," you jogged up, hearing her follow, "got my bedroom right here." You bullied your shoulder into the bedroom she could use, "Right, then, sorry 'bout the dust and shit; I like cleaning for my anxiety, but it's no secret this part of the house don't get much use. Here," you showed her the bathroom, "can get a shower - I'll grab you a towel and some soaps. And some new clothes, all right?"

"Oh, uh, yeah, okay..."

You nodded, "Meet downstairs when you're done?"

"Cool."

After supplying her with the necessities, you left Ellie in the bathroom to quickly tidy up the room, deposit a new set of clothes and a DivaCup to the bed, then hustling out the backdoor towards your neighbor, Donna, who owed you from a couple favors. She provided the new winter coat you requested and gave you some of her homemade cookies before you left.

Reentering through the kitchen, you discovered Ellie in the living room, staring at the memorial you erected for your daughters on the mantel over a roaring fire. "Oh, good, you're out," you smiled in greeting, setting the cookies to the table. "I just grabbed you this," you held up the coat, "should help with the bitterness out here. Tellin' yah, kid, the wind out here is murderous." After handing it over, you encouraged, "Well, go on, try it on, lemme see."

"Why'd you do this...?"

"Ah, not used to people just being kind, huh?"

"No. Everyone has ulterior motives."

"Go through what I've been through, kid, and trust me, you get tired of being so pessimistic. Weighs on the soul in the worst ways and I don't have time or capability for that anymore. Just wanna do some good - no matter how small an act." You gestured at the jacket, watching her swing it on before adding, "Plus, you're Joel's kid, and that matters to me. Good?"

"It's, uh, super fuckin' purple."

"Eh, I'd say it's more eggplant," you tugged on the lapels and sleeves, nodding. "It fits?"

"Yeah - "

"Shoe's aren't too big?"

"Uh, no. Where's my other stuff?"

"Rag pile. Get the thing I left you?"

"Yeah. Weirdest gift ever."

"Trust me, it's useful," you snorted with amusement. "Figured period health wasn't exactly top of Joel's list, but - "

"He's not my father," she snipped, "and I can take care of myself."

"All right, then," you kept the relief out of your tone, remaining aloof. "You, uh, you want a haircut? Just to trim the ends, promise."

"I mean, I guess?"

"Who's been doin' it?"

"World-class salons," she deadpanned.

But you weren't phased, only smirking, "Should get your money back for that hack job, huh?" She looked ready to retort, but you were quick, "C'mon, honey, in the kitchen; just a trim, I'll grab my scissors."

So lead into about 10 minutes of silence as you wet Ellie's hair, brushed it, and then began inspecting how much of a cut would be needed. You figured about an inch or so.

"So..." Ellie broke the silence after finishing one of the cookies, "was this, like, your job back then or somethin'?"

"Nah," you mused, "never cut hair professionally, just more of a hobby. I've always liked doin' it, though, but..." You shrugged, "Maybe it was a mom thing." The silence turned poignant. "Saw yah lookin' at my li'l memorial...?"

"Uh, yeah. I'm-I'm sorry about your kids."

"Thank you," you sighed. "Delilah was just a few months old, Sarah wasn't much older than you are now."

"Could I ask what happened? Don't have to tell me if it's - "

"It's all right," you cut her off, "'s been 20 years, but ain't nothin' to really tell." You paused to snip another section of hair, aware that Joel would've told her is he wanted her to know. "The night of the Outbreak, there was so much chaos, my family was forced to split up. My sister had been holdin' Delilah, so she and Tommy had to go a different route than Joel, Sarah, and I - "

"Wait, Joel and Tommy?" Ellie asked swiftly.

"Yeah?"

"You were together that night? I-I mean," she realized the implication was too blatant, trying to cover, "you all knew each other back then?"

You snickered, "Uh-huh, knew each other reeeaaaal well. They ain't tell yah?"

"Nobody's told me anything. I can't tell if it's because they think I'm too young to handle it, or they simply can't stand to relive those memories."

"Probably the latter, darlin', everyone lost everything. It's hard to think back on that day 'cause nobody was untouched, you know? It... It fucked all survivors up."

"Right, yeah, I bet. So you guys, uh, split up?"

"Mhm." Your voice turned somber, the sounds of snipping scissors filling the background, "We lost Sarah first... Then my sister, Katie, well she got bit at some point when on the run with Tommy, so, uh, it was a mercy killin'... And last was Delilah - see, her li'l body was too weak for the Infection, so it killed her, didn't turn her."

Ellie sighed deeply as another section of hair was cut. "Holy shit... I-I'm sorry... That's... That's fucking terrible."

"Ain't nothin' but the past now, darlin'."

Ellie nodded in agreement, trying to break the tension by asking, "Soooooo, you and Tommy...?"

"Oh, fuck no!" You snickered, seeing her jolt in repressed amusement. "He's my brother-in-law; Joel and I were married, or I guess we technically still are, since divorce ain't a thing in the apocalypse."

Ellie went rigid, your scissors slowing when you noticed. Before you could question it, she asked, "They were Joel's kids?"

You wanted to blurt out that, no, Delilah wasn't Joel's after he rejected her before she was even born. Yet it was obvious this child had an attachment to him and you didn't wish to taint the man she knew by exposing the man he once was. There was no use hanging onto the past now, so you answered, "Sure was. Sarah wasn't biologically mine, though; you see, I was her stepmama. Though it often never felt like that - I was all she knew."

"She was your kid, too," Ellie validated.

"Uh, you know what? I'm sorry, honey, I shouldn't have said all that, it's Joel's business to tell."

"It's equally yours. But I appreciate knowing, guess it explains him a little."

"Mh," you hummed, "listen, kid, there's obviously some things you don't know 'bout him, but I reckon you've seen other things. Listen, I don't need to know what happened - but let me justify so you understand, he was so angry for years after losing our daughters in such a brutal way that he resorted to barbarity to filter his emotions. Loss like that... Changes a person to their core. Makes them do things never imaginable - "

"Oh, like killing people? Just like your beloved Tommy used to do, too?" Ellie quipped, "Yeah, I know about that."

"Mhm," you considered.

"He doesn't do that anymore."

"I ain't say nothin'."

"I felt you judging."

"How can I judge what I, too, have done, kid?" It was quiet save from the snip of the scissors. "Yeah, darlin', I know what Tommy and I did - we were followin' Joel. Inna way, we always did. He's magnetic that way, always had the right head on his shoulders so we didn't think too much, figured he knew right from wrong, and our best chances of survival was under him. Joel did everything possible to keep us alive and together."

Ellie scoffed, "And now you're worried I'm gonna do the same?"

"I - "

"Ever occur to you, I might be smarter than you and Tommy? No offense."

You sighed and dropped her hair, swiping the towel from around her shoulders a little roughly. Ellie's head snapped up to watch you round the front of her, taking the single seat at the table she was sat before. Tossing the scissors and towel aside, you sighed, "Listen to me, kid, and listen well. I'm not worried 'bout'cha. You've obviously got a helluva head about you - and yeah, very well might be smarter than me. Reckon you are smarter than Tommy, would've made a damn fine lawyer." A faint smirk tugged on the side of her mouth. It fell as your tone turned serious, "But don't for a second think you know more than I do, been around a helluva lot longer than you've even been a thought. There's a whole lot you're not tellin' me - and that's good. We all got our secrets - you, me, Tommy, Joel, Marlene. Everyone." You watched Ellie's eyes advert, sighing, "You hear me?"

"Mhm."

"I'm not tryna scare you, darlin', not tryna deter you from puttin' any kinda faith in Joel. Truthfully... Joel Miller was the best man I knew. He's a good guy to trust, would put his life on the line for those he cares for without a second thought."

"Then what are you trying to tell me? What?" She scoffed, "You think Joel's gonna do whatever he did to you, to me?"

"Well, therein lies my point - you be fuckin' careful who you put your faith in. The only people who can betray us... Are the ones we trust."

Ellie's eyes lit up with understanding. "How did he betray you?"

"That's not - "

"You can't give me all that cryptic crap and not explain. Nobody fuckin' explains to me anything!"

You chuckled, "Yeah, you're definitely smart, but for now, I'm smarter, hey? Now, c'mon, grab your super fuckin' eggplant coat."

"Where're we going?"

"The movies," you smirked. "Take some cookies, too."

You walked Ellie to the cantina, where a community movie night was underway. The pair of you asked simple questions: where were you from, what each other's favorite color was, how the hell you made it out to Jackson in one piece. During that walk, you decided you liked Ellie; she was a sarcastic little spitfire, but that kind of energy was few and far between these days. You liked the child's razzle-dazzle.

On the way into the cantina, you saw Tommy and Maria exchanging a hushed conversation; so, after seeing Ellie inside, you doubled back. "Hey," you greeted, the couple silencing themselves, "uh, everything all right?"

Maria sighed with a nod, "Fine. I'm gonna head in, keep an eye. You two should probably talk."

You watched your friend walk away, turning to Tommy with an inquisitive stare and a perched brow. Before you could question the tension, Tommy held up a pair of boots and requested, "Actually, babygirl, you mind taking these to the work shed?"

"Sure, but, uh - "

"They're for Joel."

"Right - but is there a reason you don't wanna deliver 'em yourself?" When his eyes adverted, you questioned, "Tommy? Somethin' happen between y'all?"

Tommy shook his head, "Can't hide shit from you. No, it's not - it's just - you know how brothers are. How he gets."

Your eyes narrowed, "Tell me the truth."

"It's not so bad..."

"What. Happened?"

Tommy lowered his voice, "I told him 'bout Maria and I becomin' parents and he... He didn't... He didn't have the best reaction. I might've said something t'him, like... How just 'cause his life stopped, doesn't mean the rest of ours did, too. I know I was outta line - "

"What was his reaction to you bein' a dad?"

"I told him I thought I'd be a good dad and he said, 'I guess we'll find out.'"

You counted to five in your head, inhaling the bitter cold and exhaling. "You know that's his trauma talkin'. You were the best fuckin' uncle to our girls, you're gonna be the best damn daddy, I know it. Joel's just not in his right mind, Tommy."

Tommy took a long breath in, huffing as his hands shoved to his jacket pockets. "Listen, uh, I was... I was gonna go talk to him, but I think you might get farther than me."

"Yeah, I don't know - "

"He's might still be a little prickly, babygirl, but c'mon, you guys can talk on a clean, fresh slate. Maybe he'll be a li'l more willin' talkin' to yah, I mean, he always was."

"That was before."

"Not like that kinda love changes."

"Tommy, don't make it weird," you groaned.

"C'mon," he insisted, "I traded those boots for Joel; he's in the shed, probably tryna glue the soles of his back together."

"Nah, you're comin' with me, y'all gotta kiss and make up."

"Hang on, Y/N," Tommy halted you, glancing around before lowering his voice. "Joel said he's gotta take Ellie to the university t'meet with the Fireflies. She's apparently some muck's daughter, but I don't know if he was tellin' the truth."

"Well, she told me clearly he's not her daddy. He say why they needed down there?"

"Somethin' with Marlene, he wasn't too specific, darlin'."

You frowned and lead the way around the building, crunching through the snow. When you entered the work shed, Joel was sitting on a lone stool with a few tools spread around him; an abandoned boot left to the side. He perked up as if a deer in headlights when he saw you, lips pulling in a small, reassuring smile as you neared the work bench to set the new boots down. "Tommy said I'd find yah here," you mentioned softly, gesturing to his brother by the door. "Here, figured you'd wanna toss them ol' things out so Tommy saved you the trouble and traded for these."

Joel sighed through his nose and nodded silently, going back to his work; hating how effortless and comfortable you seemed to be, hating that there was tension with him and you, him and Tommy; wanting so desperately to go back to how everything once was. Joel just wanted his family back, but he understood, things would never go back to how they were. No matter how much he wished it, no matter how hard he tried, no matter who he prayed to.

"I'll just - leave you two to it," you tried to back out, motioning your brother-in-law forward.

"Nah, babygirl, stay," Tommy prevented your escape, finally facing his brother; who wouldn't admit the flood of relief he felt hearing your old nickname. "Look, I shouldn't have said what I said. I don't even believe it. I know you're happy for me, it's just... It's complicated for you. Both of you," he looked at you as you leaned on a separate workbench, "and I'm sorry." Joel couldn't look Tommy in the eye, opting down at his folded hands; picking at a few callouses.

"Joel?" You asked softly, but his head did not lift.

"This ride to the university, is it a suicide mission?"

You straighten up, crossed your arms, and dropped your head as your lips rolled between your teeth. That word... That word triggered a barrage of thoughts you'd suppressed decades ago. Behind your eyelids, you had flashes of memory to just a few days post Outbreak...

Survivors had been rounded up into triage tent cities, and that day, you had limped into your tent just in time to see a gun pointed at Joel's temple. You remember screaming his name, which in turn made him flinch, but the trigger had already been pulled. You had dropped to your knees at his side, sobbing uselessly, whipping off your dirty shirt to press to the weeping wound on his temple.

You hated those memories.

You hated that the pain he endured was so raw and tangible that he thought that was his only option.

You hated that he never bothered to say goodbye.

You hated him for (almost) doing that - but only for a time. After the initial anger passed, you understood better than anyone why he felt the need to "opt out", never trying to hold it against him whilst trying to cope with him never trusting you with those thoughts or feelings. But the fact remained: he was willing to off himself without a single word to you or Tommy. It was hard to get over something like that, especially after losing your daughters in such a violent, back-to-back manner.

"No," Tommy answered Joel's query. "It's dangerous, but it's nothing you can't handle. Just prepare and do what you do."

"You've had people go that way and come back?" Joel asked.

"All of 'em - "

"Don't lie t'him, Tommy," you spoke stoically, staring at your feet as both Miller brothers looked over at you. "Goin' down t'the university ain't all easy, Joel," you lamented, meeting his teary gaze, "and even some of our rangers don't make it back - there's Infected, sure, but out here, the people are much more dangerous. They're righteously savage... Even a few rumors of cannibal factions. Might not be a total suicide mission, but it's not really worth the risk, especially now with winter set in. Desperate times create desperate people."

Joel dropped his head, "Thanks f'the truth, doll."

"But hey," you tried to cover your tracks under Tommy's pointed stare, "when you have experienced rangers like Tommy or I go, there's never been any issue. We come back without a single scratch, often without seein' a single livin' thing. Yeah?"

"That's right," Tommy agreed, but you both couldn't look away from the dejected shell that was Joel Miller.

Your head cocked with furrowed brows, sharing a look with Tommy when Joel just remained silent. "Joel? Why do you need t'get t'the university? This have anythin' t'do with Ellie and Marlene?" Joel looked like he wanted to answer, but the swelling in his throat stopped him. You encouraged softly, "C'mon, darlin', 's just Tommy and I - you can tell us the truth. What's goin' on?"

A pause.

"She's immune," Joel admitted, stopping time; staring up at his brother with a silent plea before turning his sights on you.

"Say again?" You asked breathlessly.

"Ellie," He explained, watching you nod. "She got Infected but she didn't get sick."

You scoffed, "Yeah, all right, so we're chasin' ghost stories now? C'mon, baby, we don't - "

"It's not a ghost story, Y/N, it's real, it's fucking real - like you always said," he insisted, watching you and Tommy exchange unsure looks. "Tommy, Y/N," he tried to rein in your attention, but his brother was staring out the door's window as if to judge how quick he could get to the cantina to save his wife and unborn child from a potential Infected child. "Tommy," he spoke a little gruffer, earning his brother's attention again, "I saw her get bit myself. That was months ago... Months."

You chuckled, shaking your head, "Nah, 'cause that can't be, all right? There's no such thing as - "

"She's immune," Joel emphasized.

"She can't be," you still refused, "it's not a real thing. I searched, Joel, I tired - "

"Hang on," Tommy sighed at you, rounding around the tables to pull out a stool and take his seat. "Let's just hear him out, babygirl. Gotta be worth at least that much, right? He came all this way - and Marlene told Ellie 'bout you. You've been searchin' for a cure - "

"I gave that up," you scoffed.

"Still - let's hear him out."

You just stared at Joel for a long moment, then hoisted yourself to sit on top of the workbench. "All right. All right, fine, yeah, I guess I've heard some pretty hard-to-believe things in my life, why not add another?"

"That's the spirit," Tommy encouraged, readjusting in his seat, gesturing at his brother to go on.

"From the beginning, Joel, and don't skip a Goddamn detail," you frowned at your estranged husband.

"It was Marlene," Joel started. "She hired us to smuggle Ellie to some Fireflies. It went bad. Tess got bit... She made me swear to take the kid. It was her dyin' wish, even said... Said I had to - sayin' I owed that much." A tear fell as he told you, "Said it was a way towards absolution, like we wanted, doll. What the hell was I supposed to do?"

You saw the struggle in his eyes and heard the tremble in his voice, nodding slowly as if to validate his decision. Joel sniffled, continuing, "We made it as far as K.C., and then..."

"And then?" You asked softly, hanging off every word.

"You know, she saved my life there from another kid. Five years ago, I would've destroyed him. But she had to shoot him to save me." Both you and Tommy bowed your heads at this, reminded of your own years in the wild. "14-years-old. Because I was too slow and too fuckin' deaf to hear him comin'... And I saw," he paused, shaking his head to clear the thoughts away, "I saw a man kill his own brother to save her, while I just watched. And today, I thought that dog was gonna tear her apart because it smelled somethin' on her," his voice wobbled, tears in his eyes mounting; emotion clawing at his chest. "And all I did was stand there. I couldn't move. I couldn't think of anythin' to say. I just... I was so afraid," Joel admitted tearfully. Tommy readjusted again, his eyes locked with yours as if having a telepathic conversation - which you might as well have been. You both believed Joel. "You think I can still handle things, but... I'm not who I was. I'm weak." And your heart shattered at the words directed at your husband's little brother. "Lately, there are these moments where the fear comes up outta nowhere and... My heart... Feels like it's stopped."

You wanted to open your mouth and scream at him how wrong he was, that he was the strongest man you had known, but the truth was... You didn't know Joel anymore. When you left years ago, you had just barely settled in Boston after years wondering the wilderness; years of slaughter, years of savagery, years of ruthlessness. Years of betraying your fellow man in the wake of this Infection - turning against rational logic and becoming that which haunted your waking and dreaming moments.

You had been ashamed of what you did. Who your anger turned you into. What your husband did - and encouraged others to do as well. Those who followed your group turned to a life of murdering and pillaging and rampaging. They did as Joel did; did as you and Tommy had done, but you seemingly wisened up first.

So, you left, and in turn, inspired others to break away, too. Tommy turned to the Fireflies, but Joel and Tess turned to a life of smuggling. It seemed the only thing left to boost their morale, gave them some kind of purpose in the Boston QZ.

"And I have dreams," Joel continued, shaking you from memories of the past. "Every night."

"What kinda dreams?" Tommy asked his brother.

"I don't know. I can't remember. I just know that when I wake up, I've lost somethin'," now, the tears strangled him. "I'm failin' in my sleep, it's all I do. It's all I've ever done - just look at what I did to you, Y/N, what I did to you and our girls," tears rapidly broke his waterline, "our gorgeous, innocent girls - I failed you and then I failed them. And now all I ever do is fail her, again and again."

"You want us to take her," Tommy realized first.

"I'm just gonna get her killed, I know it. I know it. I have to leave her."

"Yeah? You 'have' to leave?" You found your voice, sounding angry, but when Joel looked at you, he found tears in your eyes as well. "You thought you had t'leave us, too, and how well did that work? Joel - "

"It's why you left, right, baby? It's why you both took off on me, right? To make up for the things we did?" With a shake of your head, you looked away, Joel focusing on his brother, "Well, here's your chance to bring your kid into a better world. You're younger than me. You're still strong, you said it yourself, you'll come back. You have to take her. And Y/N, you left in search of redemption, of absolution - I'm giving that to you after I took so much of your innocence. Forced you into a world of hurt, right? I need you t'do this, it's all you've wanted, please, let me give this to you."

Except, Tommy looked distraught for a long moment; throat swollen as his eyes found yours. You reached out to pet the back of his head, sighing, "Tommy can't take her, Joel. He's got too much t'lose now, but, uh... I-I can. I can go, I can take her."

"Babygirl's made the most trips out of all of us," Tommy explained. "She always comes back... She should go, Ellie would be safest with her."

You nodded and Joel rushed, "But you can't tell anyone, not even Maria." Tommy looked ready to argue, but Joel told you two, "Tommy, Y/N, you two are the only ones I trust, if anyone else sees those bite marks on her, what's under her skin, they'll shoot her."

Joel could almost see the way your mind reeled back 20 years prior to when Sarah had been shot; dying right in front of you both with her blood staining your skin. How neither of her parents were able to save her.

"It's the last thing I'll ever ask of you - either of you," Joel rushed. "I swear."

You sighed, looking down at Tommy, but he was already looking at you. "You're not goin', Tommy," you decided, "gotta stay here with Maria. But, uh... Yeah," you told Joel, "yeah, all right, I'll take her out at dawn. But on one condition."

"Anything."

"You tell that girl the truth. She doesn't deserve no type of lie or half-assed answers. Tell her the truth, Joel."

"I will," he whimpered.

"Tommy, give us a minute, would yah, babe?" You whispered, patting your brother-in-law on the shoulder.

"You sure?"

"Yeah, go on, can catch the end of the movie," you encouraged.

"You know, I can go with y'all - "

"Not a chance in hell," you smirked, "Maria would have my hide. Go on now, git," you shooed, waiting until he was out of the shed before sitting in his vacant stool. "Now, Joel..."

"I know it's insane, I know how it all sounds - "

"That's not it," you cut him off with a frown. "I'm concerned about you, honey. You say you have these dreams every night, but I know that's a lie - just look at yah! Look as if you haven't known sleep in fuckin' months."

"I guess, I haven't? Maybe even in 15 years..."

"Mhm," you hummed before sighing and bowing your head. "Look," you decided, "I'll do what needs done - I'll do whatever you ask of me. You know I will. But I think you and I need t'clear the air, get some truths between us."

"Okay. Like what?"

"Like why the hell you really came all the way out here?"

He stared at you for a moment, shrugging, "T'find Tommy."

"Mhm, why'd you wait until now?"

"I wasn't - we didn't have a car battery until Bill and Frank's."

"Right, and then?"

"Got attacked in K.C.. Been on foot since then."

You sighed, "And Tess? She gonna pop up out here, too? Lookin' for you? The way we stay safe, Joel, is bein' smart - "

"She's dead, remember? Got bit..."

"Well, with this whole immune thing, just thought I'd clarify." There was a suspended silence for several heartbeats. "You all right? I know she was special to yah."

Joel shrugged, "Hurt more when you left..."

"Don't try t'flatter me now, I'm already takin' the kid - "

"I'm serious, baby, please," he insisted. "Yeah, fuckin' hurt when Tess got bit, but nothin' hurt like what happened to us. To our family."

You nodded, "Listen, about that..."

"What?"

You sighed deeply, rubbing your hands together before admitting, "I've had a lot of time t'think about all that went down. And for any and all parts I played, I am sorry." His eyes filled with tears again. "I knew you were struggling after," you paused, swallowing harshly, "you know, a-after Sarah and Delilah, and instead of us tryna figure shit out together, we let our anger take control."

"Not like we had any other option."

"We did," you nodded. "Bein' out here? Helpin' build this place? Meetin' all these people? Yeah," you scoffed, "there were other options, but our anger made us blind. Ain't all our fault... But for what we did? Joel - "

"I know," he rushed, wiping his cheeks. "I know, it was fucked."

"More than fucked. We murdered people, Joel."

"I remember."

"I'm haunted by it, I keep - fuck's sake," you laughed ruefully. "I keep tryna make up for it all. You know? Out here, I'm alive, I'm able and capable, but at night, yeah, darlin', I'm haunted, too. No amount of good I put into this world is ever gonna make up for the horrors we committed."

"And now?"

You nodded and huffed, "Now, it looks like I get one last shot at redemption. This girl, this... Ellie. She really immune?"

"Hand to God, I swear she is. She got bit when Tess did, and while Tess' wound turned dark and started to fester - her's was clean. Just barely a mark by then."

"Jesus," you considered. "It's what we've all been waiting for, huh?"

"It's what you've been searchin' for," he agreed.

"No shit. All right, well, how 'bout that?" You cleared your throat, asking, "Why the university?"

"Firefly doctors and shit - thinkin' they can, I don't even know, like..."

"Like, what? Find a-a cure? Ain't no curin' this shit - I mean, at most, it'd be like a vaccination."

"Then that's what it is. Listen, sugar, you sure about this? Taking her, I mean?"

"Joel," you half-smiled, "I've been unsure of a lot of things since we lost our girls, but the idea that I can give other parents - like Tommy and Maria - more time with their kids? That's a risk I gotta take. For Sarah and Delilah, right?"

"For Sarah and Delilah," he agreed, the tears cracking his stony exterior again. You stood swiftly and opened your arms as you stepped into him; Joel shooting out of his seat to meet you. He latched his arms around your waist, sobbing into your neck and shoulder. "I'm so sorry, baby, I'm so fuckin' sorry. F-For fuckin' everything - "

"Shhh," you shushed him, tears of your own surfacing to stream down your cheeks. "Hey, 's all right. You're here now, you're here, finally with me, it's all right, Joel. You're okay."

"I'm so sorry, so fuckin' sorry. For how I was when you were pregnant and after, I never should've - and-and now, we don't get the chance t'be with them and it's my fault for wasting that time - "

Your heart felt lighter as you admitted, "I forgave you a long time ago, baby. It's okay."

Joel held on all the tighter. He didn't deserve forgiveness, but God, did he crave it. He wanted absolution, to be absolved of his past; even before the Outbreak, he wasn't perfect. But to hear you forgive him shattered him into fragments he'd never glue back together. Because he knew, deep in his soul, he didn't deserve it.

Perhaps, maybe you knew he didn't deserve forgiveness, too. But you had no place to judge, that wasn't your job; so, you did the only thing you could and forgave him. How could you move forward if still stuck in the past? Look at Joel now: haunted, depressed, panicked. He still dwelled in a time that would never come again, but you didn't want to turn out like that, so you welcomed forgiveness.

It made you feel lighter. Brighter.

So, whether it was selfish of you or not, whether he deserved it or not, you forgave him.

And in that tool shed, for at least another hour, you stood there, crying, petting the other's hair in soothing motions; rambling about moving forward now that he was finally with you again. Joel hated to admit it, but a small part of him felt happy... Elated... Excited for whatever was to come - because he had you back.

For years, he thought you were dead. For years, he grieved. For years, he let his self-hatred grow and fester; in turn, hurting those around him because the concept of forgiving himself was impossible.

And now, 21 years of turmoil was buried in the snow as you sobbed how much you missed each other. How life would look different from here out. How this mission with Ellie would be your last - the final step towards redeeming yourselves for the hateful, savage behavior of your pasts. Joel never thought he'd feel this feeling again, but here you were, in his arms, hand thread through his greying curls; promising that you would stay by him if he stayed by you.

A vow renewal of sorts.

Joel had to bite his tongue to stop from scolding you that you shouldn't cave this easily - but he understood, it wasn't easy. 15 years since you saw him, 21 since you've been a real couple; this decision wasn't easily made, and he could acknowledge that.

"C'mon," you mused, lacing your hand with his, "you've got some explainin' t'do t'the kid and I've gotta pack. And then, you're gonna get a shower with hot water and soap, and then you're gonna crawl in bed with me, and we're gonna sleep."

"Sounds too good t'be true, darlin'."

"What? A shower and a bed is farfetched but immunity isn't?" You teased, tugging his hand to lead him out.

"No... Bein' with you again just doesn't feel real."

"Well, believe it, baby. Aht! Boots!"

For the first time in possibly 21 years, Joel actually laughed. He let you discard his old, worn-out, falling-apart boots and laced his brand new ones on; once more taking your hand, and heading into the night. He glanced around the courtyard, musing, "So, where'd you get the Christmas shit?"

"Carefully," you teased. "But the kids make most of the wreaths."

"Art projects?"

"Yeah. It's a sliver of normalcy - not that they ever know it. Honestly, most of the decorations are for the adults, it reminds them of what once was. It's nostalgic, comforting."

"Yeah... Yeah, somethin' like that. Oh, uh, speaking of decor bein' for the adults, I, uh, I brought you somethin'."

"You... You brought me a present?" You scoffed. "You didn't even know I was out here - that I was alive!"

"I-I guess I brought it for me, but now that you're here, I want you to have it. To remind us of our girls... If that's okay?"

"Well, you know me, darlin' - I never say no to presents," you teased with a grin, squeezing his hand.

[ pt. 2: read here ]

[ part one: Not So Heavenly Surprise: read here ]

requesting rules and masterlist

TLOU masterlist

[pinkiemachine]

BATMAN: GOTHAM FILES - SEASON TWO

OKAY, so this season starts off with a spectacular BANG! Joker makes his debut, causes a ton of mayhem for the Dynamic Duo, but of course, in the end, the heroes save the day. Here’s some sketches of Joker I’ve been working on…

Still not sure if this is what I wanna go with. Like I said, work in progress.

Anyway, what really matters is what happens after Joker gets defeated. He’s thrown into Arkham Asylum, for the Criminally Insane, and the doctors there attempt to treat him. Namely, one Harleen Quinzel. This does not go well. Instead of her being able to bring Joker back to sanity, he manipulates her and gets her to cross over to the insane side, becoming his twisted on-again off-again lover, and they break out of Arkham together.

But this is all happening in the background while the rest of the season goes on. The real highlight of Season 2, aside from revisiting classic villains and meeting new ones, is the arrival of BATGIRL! Now, Barbara Gordon (17) was going to get a law degree after high school, but after seeing what sort of corruption there was in Gotham from her father’s police job, she’d lost faith in the system. Instead, she became inspired by Batman to take matters into her own hands. Batman initially tries to tell her to stop—she’s just going to get herself hurt—but then she manages to make a strong case for herself. She’s smart, she’s been taking self-defence classes since she was three, she knows the criminal justice system, she’s passionate about making a difference, Robin’s allowed to fight crime despite being four years younger than her, and… she’s not going to take no for an answer. Batman begrudgingly agrees to let her help, especially after she saves his life on a mission, but he has one condition: no crime fighting alone. She must always have backup. He’s not about to let the police captain’s—now Commissioner’s—daughter get hurt on his watch. Because he knows who she really is. Because he’s a detective.

So now they’re the fanatic threesome. I should also mention that there is NO Dick X Barbara. He’s 13 now, she’s 17, both going on 14 and 18. He’s like a little brother to her. Moving on.

Some time goes by, more baddies get thrown into Arkham, and then… Bruce meets Catwoman. It happened on a cold night when Bruce was soloing it as Batman. Dick was behind on his homework, Barbara was taking time off to rest, so he was all by himself when he got called in to investigate a series of expert burglaries/murders. He had to admit, she was good at what she did. Barely a trace of her was left behind… but barely was enough. He figured out her next target and then had her captured in one fell swoop. Catwoman. It’s not like she was a brawler or anything, just a cat burglar. It was during their ride in the Batmobile later that they got to talk some and learn about each other. Bruce questioned her about the two other robberies—ones where people died—and Selina pleaded innocent. She never killed people. Then, surprising Batman, she managed to escape from right under his nose. They would meet again, though, when he and Selina teamed up to catch the other burglar who had attempted to frame Selina with murder. The two had formed something of an attachment. Selina found Bruce attractive, and Bruce thought she had some good in her (and was also attractive), and they both found themselves wanting to see each other again some time. Purely for work purposes. Bruce only wanted her to face justice. There was totally NO OTHER reason. *cough cough* I have a post where I talk more about her and her relationship with Bruce.

Moving on, there’s an episode where we briefly head to Star City and meet The Flash, but THEN we get introduced to Ghostmaker. A fellow vigilante from Bruce’s past. His rival… and friend. He had also been one of Ra’s’s top students and they had fought often, but the main difference between them was that Ghostmaker was willing to kill. Bruce wasn’t. They have some funny, witty, exciting times when he comes to visit Gotham, but in the end, Bruce establishes that Gotham is his city. And there will be no killing in his city.

Grande finale sees the return of the Joker, alongside Harley Quinn’s debut!

And guess who they’re working alongside? TONY ZUCCO!! Dick has his revenge arc, trying to chase Zucco down, but in the end… all those years of Bruce’s training keep his hands from committing the most horrible act. I mean, Dick does rough him up, but in the end, Zucco gets sentenced to life in prison. Now Dick can finally let go. He can finally visit his parents’ grave with a clear conscience. They would be proud of him for what he did. They would be proud knowing their son was not a killer.

So that’s season 2 :)

Part 3 👇

Part 1 👇

More of Bruce and Selina 👇

[someone-save-rogue-from-superhel]

So... Doctor Who finale thoughts:

1. RTD really didn't stick the landing uh? The episode was so underwhelming

2. I'm absolutey griving the fact we won't be seeing Ncuti as the doctor anymore. He was seriously one of my favorites, he was FANTASTIC in the role. And he wasn't even able to have a proper arc. We only saw him in basically 14 episodes and he's gone!

3. It was a joy to see Jodie again, at least we had that

4. I haven't seen anyone mention this but the Rani died such a silly death! Literally no closure or anything. It was SO WEIRD I thought the doctor was about to save her and we never see her again

5. Where's Susan? I was really hoping she would be the finale's regeneration, not Ncuti :( why did they bring her back just for that, I thought something more would happen

6. So turns out that those things we have been noticing throughout the season where Belinda just knows things she shouldn't or couldn't know yet was really bad writing all allong! Silly us for thinking it was going somewhere, I guess!

7. I agree with all the theories saying this plot was written with Ruby in mind, this plot made no sense for Belinda and they literally put her in a box for a part of the episode so that Ruby can go be the focus again. I- don't even know what to say

8. Speaking of that, I agree that so many of these choices were really badly thought out by RTD. Belinda got the Martha treatment and at this point it seems problematic. Why was motherhood forced onto the character? She never expressed any interest in children at all and suddenly her whole existence gets retconned by the doctor so that Poppy always existed. She doesn't even know what happened to her and what type of life she had before all this. I hated it

9. I know she is really smol and young but they could have tried to give some personality to Poppy's character, the stakes where too high to save a character we had no relationship with. I didn't care and I felt like Ncuti's ending deserved something better. It's the first time, I think, we see a regeneration happen for something we really didn't care about. When Ten sacrificied himself for Wilf, we cared because it was Wilf. But Poppy, we barely know her, she's just a plot prop, sadly! I would have loved for them to explore the doctor has a father more. We are pushed to care about all this after we see the doctor with Poppy for like two seconds

And all that for Poppy to become human again, what was the point of it all?

10. I reeeally don't even know how to feel about Billie Piper as the doctor. I love her and I love Rose, her and Donna are my favorite companions! But it's weird for the doctor to have a companion's face imo. I also noticed people are already talking about the character as if she's just Rose and calling her Rose, but it's the Doctor, it doesn't make any sense to act like it's not, but it seems people are already a bit confused and I can't judge them. RTD what are you doing?

11. To end this rant, I was so wishing this wouldn't be Ncuti's goodbye, but here we are :(

I never believed the Billie Piper rumours because it just sounded so silly to me. I was really hoping that, if we had to have a doctor regeneration and it was a female actress that had already been on the show, that it would be Suranne Jones. I believe she would be an absolutely amazing doctor!!!! I loved her on Gentleman Jack. I think she could be such a sarcastic doctor, a bit reminiscent of Nine, who I so miss

Rose Tyler, the woman that you are, haunting the narrative until the very end. Let's see where this goes!

[aletterinthenameofsanity]

Do you know tired I have to be of the random classic who character reveals as season villains that it makes me completely reevaluate my opinion on the Silence and Tim Shaw as finale villains because at least they were attempts at being creative/having actual arcs? Like, I held for a very long time did the silence were mildly stupid and that Tim Shaw was a week finale villain, but at least there was set up and pay off for both of these cases, and they were the writers trying to work with an actual point and theme for the seasons, not just have a random asspull in the second/third-to-last episode of a finale villain. I think my Nostalgia of how well it worked in seasons 1 and 3 of the original new who run (i.e. the daleks with Rose and the character pay off of satellite 5, and the fantastic build up with the master in season 3) kind of blinded me to the fact that RTD does not know how to do a finale that doesn't involve pulling back a classic Who villain. Not that there is anything inherently wrong with pulling back a classic Who villain, or that Moffat and Chibnall weren't guilty of it too (see seasons 8, 10, and 12), but at least they were TRYING to do something new with a season Arc with the silence and Tim Shaw and the Flux!

Also, on that note, I want every single person who said that the writing of thirteen was bad because the season arcs of 13 weren't that well done so it overshadowed the value of individual episodes but who is praising the individual episodes of rtd 2 (despite admitting that the season arc was weak) to come back and apologize to the entire writing team of Thirteen's run. Doctor Who's writing has always been a bit of a mess from episode to episode. Some episodes land, some episodes don't, and season arcs vary in quality. 13's run has its own weaknesses and valid critiques, but OVERALL is no worse than anything that came before it or anything that came after it. Yes, some individual episodes suck. Yes, some finales are weak.

But you cannot tell me but that does not also hold true for Moffatt and RTD. No Doctor Who show runner has ever had a great track record with handling race, as shown by the treatment of Martha and Mickey underneath of rtd, the questionable handling of black characters deaths under moffatt, or the infamous spyfall incident under chibnall. Likewise, there have been problems with gender throughout pretty much every showrunner. Moffatt's really questionable gender themes of season 6 and his objectification of Amy and River within that Arc are famous, but RTD didn't exactly handle gender much better with the way that he boiled down 13 to nothing more than the woman doctor in the 60th anniversary specials and didn't even let 14 wear her outfit. (Yes, I'm still mad about that, and I won't stop being mad about it!)

I think that it does a disservice to the show and individual writers on the show to claim that any one specific era of the show was more problematic or less well written than the others. There have always been clunkers (both in terms of quality of writing and handling of certain topics). There have always been bad finale and Bad season arcs. There has always been weak pay off and set up. And they have always been episodes that below our minds at how good they are. And personally, as much as I love a good plot twist or a reveal, no matter how much I absolutely adore Utopia/the sound of drums or The Parting of the ways or Hell Bent, Doctor Who has always been at its best when they are being creative and they are trying new things. The Story and The Engine and Demons of the Punjab are fantastic examples of individual episodes that kick ass, regardless of how questionable the season Arc or season finale is, and are both excellent examples of the importance of bringing in new voices and new writers to add to this rich tapestry of a show that has been existing for 60 years.

[championari]

True Love: Why FifteenxRogue Works

WOW. Man, that Rogue episode, huh? Watching that live was probably the greatest experience I’ve had recently regarding Doctor Who. Not just as a queer viewer, but as a queer media analyst. Fifteen and Rogue truly feel like a relationship written for me to analyze, because there is simply so frickin’ much to talk about. So, allow me, gentle reader, to be your Lady Whistledown of queer alien fuckery, and guide you through analyzing the latest dalliance of our Time Lord extraordinaire with the most honest bounty hunter in the galaxy. 

We’ll be covering a LOT of ground in this: the theme of facades/masks, an interrogation of The Doctor’s perception of romantic relationships, and a deep dive into The Fifteenth Doctor’s character overall. So, needless to say, this is going be a LONG LONG piece. Grab a snack, some water, whatever you need, cause we’re going deep on this one. 

You’re still here? Fantastic! Then let us begin! Specifically, with the Fifteenth Doctor himself. Because above all else, this episode works as a dissection of his character overall. 

I’ve already done two metas regarding The Giggle’s ending and The Doctor’s perception of romance pre-Season 1/14, so if you want more elaboration, go read those here: 1, 2. But in case you don’t, I’ll sum up and expand based on what we’ve learned since. 

The Doctor, as a character, has always struggled with commitment and attachment. They never stayed in one place for long and when they did, they had an unhealthy relationship with it (Trenzalore, Darillium, Bill’s University). Romantic connection is a permutation of this larger issue, as every romantic relationship we have seen The Doctor take part in since 2005 either was unbalanced (holding back problems/outright lying) or ended in a really bad way.  However, thanks to the 60th specials and a bi-generation, The Doctor went through a massive change, and with it, came a new perception of openness and love. Fifteen is more expressive, and willing to verbally identify beauty. He openly points out how beautiful people are, and talks about previous exploits with pride. But this supposed openness betrays a deeper dishonesty still inside the Doctor. As much as Fifteen talks the talk of openness, he doesn’t often walk the walk when things get tough.

Fifteen’s character struggle is trying to break out of the Doctor’s previous patterns of unstable attachment and commitment while continuing those patterns. He values emotional honesty and encourages it in others yet simultaneously runs from it when the spotlight is on himself, even when he knows it’s beneficial and necessary for him to do so. So, with all of that in mind, let’s deep dive into Rogue (the episode, not the character, but also the character).

The best word to describe this episode is ‘deception’. Setting the episode in Bridgerton-esque Regency-era England was an appropriate choice, likening to a show that is all about facades and posturing to gain wealth and social standing (yes I am oversimplifying, don’t hurt me). Throughout the episode, we see characters who aren’t who they present themselves to be and use all manner of tools or tactics to disguise themselves to meet their ends. 

We have the Chuldur, creatures who gain pleasure from cosplaying. They thrive on creating fake entertainment for their amusement, honesty is useless if it can’t satisfy them. While this is meant as an obvious commentary on fan culture and how dangerous it can get when taken to the extreme, it also functions as a darker reflection on The Doctor’s habits. Because think about it: what are Fifteen and Ruby doing in this episode? They are having fun, dancing alongside the other partygoers. They’re wearing the outfits but only to blend in. Ruby doesn’t know how to dance, she has to wear psychic earrings to keep up. She watches the fake fight between ‘Emily’ and ‘Lord Stilton’ like she would watch an episode of Bridgerton. Her fight with Emily later in the episode is set to Lady Gaga’s ‘Poker Face’ playing in the background.

What we’re seeing in the villains is The Doctor’s pastimes becoming toxic, taking a companion and bringing them to a culture far removed from their own. But it’s not only a commentary on The Doctor overall, it’s also Fifteen’s philosophy in a darker context. Posing as sincerity and maybe containing it to some extent, but ultimately not completely honest. Through the setting and the villains, the episode is already priming us on a subconscious level to be thinking about disguises and dishonesty, a topic that both The Doctor and the Fifteenth incarnation specifically have a complicated relationship with. And then comes Rogue.

Rogue himself is such a fascinating part of the episode because he is such a deliberate disruption to this cultivated environment of deception. Rogue is the complete antithesis of everyone in the plot. He’s terrible at improvising, he’s socially awkward, he dances without needing psychic earrings, and he never cleans the inside of his ship. Rogue intentionally disrupts the narrative of lies by not being able to play the game. Even when he tries to wear a mask, the mask of an uncaring bounty hunter, He doesn’t wear it well and gets rid of it after the ship scene with The Doctor. Rogue is a character who cannot help but be who he is, he’s a character who not only can’t wear a mask but doesn’t want to. To put it simply, honesty is Rogue’s kink. That’s why the episode is named after him; it’s not just because he’s a central character, but because he provides the counter-argument to the themes of lies and deception. Rogue, the disruptor to The Chuldur’s acts of fake entertainment, and the disruptor to The Doctor’s act of cosplaying with Ruby, and on a deeper level, disrupts Fifteen’s oscillation between sincerity and repression. But we’ll get to that, we have Mount Everest's amount of context to analyze first, starting with their first meeting.

The Doctor and Rogue’s beginning scene sets the stage for the main obstacle in their relationship: their masks. ‘Cause right now we’re operating with two versions of the characters: the facade/mask versions, and the real versions. We get our first look at Rogue when Fifteen looks around for interference on the psychic earrings. He finds him being the most conspicuous while wearing the ‘bounty hunter’ mask: on a balcony (separated from the party physically), not speaking at all. 

He is standing out here but only in the way someone who knows disguises would recognize. The Doctor, remember no. 1 liar, of course he’s gonna recognize that. So much so, that he gives Rogue pointers on how to put on a better “brooding” face, literally teaching him how to wear the mask better. Rogue is an amateur mask wearer, going up against the master of mask-wearing. And that’s why Fifteen smiles when he sees him, he’s intrigued by that contradiction and wants to know more. 

Rogue meanwhile, is being rude and dismissive to scare him off, trying to keep to the mask he’s built. At this point, he knows that Fifteen also stands out from the rest but right now is assuming that he’s still a random partygoer. Notice what he says to him: 

He’s still using language and ideas someone from that era would understand. Where this deviates is this little exchange that felt familiar to me, but I couldn’t figure out from where. Until I remembered this:

(credit to @ngatwa for this set, you're amazing)

This is the first instance in the episode where Fifteen and Rogue’s relationship calls back to previous romantically-coded relationships The Doctor has had between companions. But it’s not just romantic subtext, it’s subtext that explains where the two are in the relationship. Victorian Clara was far more than what she appeared to be (a governess masquerading as a barmaid/echo of a companion scattered in the Doctor’s timeline), and the Doctor was more than he appeared to be (an alien who lived in a blue box). In asking those questions, it’s both recognition of the masks and inquiry for the real person underneath. Same thing here: Rogue and Fifteen at this point are trying to figure each other out, trying to see beyond the masks of the uncaring bounty hunter, and the flirtatious partygoer. Where things start to go wrong is that neither party fesses up to who they are. Rogue instantly assumes Fifteen is The Chuldur he’s looking for, while Fifteen assumes Rogue is a regular partygoer looking to…*ahem* create a scandal in the gardens if you get what I mean. This explains why a violin rendition of Billie Eilish’s ‘Bad Guy’ plays in the background. It’s not just a Bridgerton reference, it’s contributing to both characters’ perception of each other in this scene: both characters think the other is the “bad guy”. The lead into the scene is deception, we leave it the same way. No breakthrough yet. 

Now we’re moving on to the scene in the garden, where both masks of Fifteen and Rogue begin clashing with their real personalities. Fifteen is still being semi-sincere, still complimenting Rogue. And like water, all of it is rolling off of him because he’s still under the assumption he’s talking to a shapeshifting alien. He rudely asks about The Doctor’s info dumping and doesn’t respond to The Doctor’s compliments.

(credit to @klausbens for the gif, you're awesome)

He’s not engaging because he thinks the Doctor is not who he appears to be, and for a character that values honesty, everything Fifteen says is gonna wash over him. The moment this changes is when the two are accusing the other of the murder. Quite literally finishing each other’s sandwiches (C’mon, you know I had to throw a Frozen reference in this somewhere). 

This is a very interesting scene given our current context. Trope-wise, this is meant to communicate to the audience the bond between the two characters, they’re thinking the same thing. But the trope is flipped on its head because both characters take it in opposite directions. Both Fifteen and Rogue are in perfect sync, they are being honest about how much they understand about the situation, but that information is leading them to completely different conclusions (i.e. the other person is the Chuldur). They’re slapping more masks onto each other, this time with information they know is true, which leads to them locking in their heels and simply not being honest altogether until later. This scene is a repeat of the previous one, except this time it’s them showing their hands a bit more, making the backslide all the more difficult. Getting close to sealing the deal, then heel turn at the last minute, a classic Bridgerton move. 

So, what needs to happen to break this backslide? Well, plain and simple honesty. The scene on Rogue’s ship is when both masks start coming off. What Fifteen is doing on the ship during the scene is essentially trying to figure out Rogue. He finds out the ship is meant to be piloted by two, and he discovers the origin of Rogue’s name, the Kylie Minogue music. Which is a moment I want to zoom in on. Right before this happens when Rogue gives a cheeky response to Fifteen finding out about the name, Fifteen makes a joke and starts emphasizing his Scottish accent. This is Fifteen putting on another mask to make a joke, and Rogue doesn’t appreciate that, given his dirty look. 

Then Fifteen finds the music, which he then again uses as an opportunity to joke around and make fun of him (and flirt a little bit with him).  Fifteen is removing Rogue’s mask, while he is staying enigmatic and mysterious, which is why Rogue is still stonewalling him. HOWEVER, two can play that game, and Fifteen makes a big mistake in showing Rogue the psychic paper. This is the first time Fifteen is completely honest about his feelings towards Rogue. No mask, no posturing, complete honesty. And we see Rogue responds positively to this: 

This is the first time the two are both on the same level, communicating honestly. And that’s where we start to see genuine romantic feelings and attraction. 

But it’s not enough, so what does Fifteen do? He pulls out the big guns. He shows Rogue the truth: he’s a Time Lord from Gallifrey and has lived many different lives over hundreds of years. He not only rips off his mask, he quite literally reveals all of the other masks the Doctor has worn throughout the ages. And what is Rogue’s reaction to this? 

Complete besotted awe. If honesty is Rogue’s kink, then The Doctor revealing their faces just supercharged it. This is the moment that Rogue falls in love because he’s finally seeing who this mysterious flirty person really is. 

Now, I’m gonna pull out another previous Doctor romance for two reasons: One, I’ve been seeing this comparison floating around for a while, and if you know me and my old analyses, it’s that I cannot leave an inaccurate take alone, and two, because I think it applies here. I’ve been seeing comparisons online of this episode to Girl in the Fireplace, in which a new character falls in love with The Doctor and gets the rare opportunity to see their true self. But what makes Reinette different from Rogue is that honesty kink. Reinette was attracted to the mystery of the Doctor, her childhood hero who somehow doesn’t age. Note when he comes back the first time, she focuses on how strange he is:

She learns more about them later, but she was already in love with them before that. Rogue doesn’t want the mystery. In reality, The Doctor wearing masks is a turnoff for him. He only wants the real thing, so when Fifteen reveals the truth, that’s when the genuine romance begins. 

(We could also extend this comparison to the discussion of consent: Reinette found out everything without The Doctor's permission, while Fifteen revealed all the info by himself, but whether we can consider this consensual depends on your definition of consent under duress/threat. So I’m not entirely sure what to make of this conversation, feel free to expand in the tags/replies cause I want to hear more about this)

So now we’re moving along to the TARDIS scene. We continue with the theme of disguises with the whole “bigger on the inside” routine, Fifteen riffing as Willy Wonka for a hot moment singing Pure Imagination, and we have Rogue’s momentary slip-up:

(credit to klausbens for the gifs, you're awesome)

This is a great sign of character growth because while he’s maybe not wholly honest about his feelings towards The Doctor, he still is open about his love for the TARDIS, an important part of The Doctor’s life, so big step right there. 

I want to pay attention to the heart-to-heart here because watching what Fifteen says and how he reacts is extremely important to getting his view on the situation. Because right now, I wouldn’t say The Doctor is in love with Rogue back. While there is a lot of attraction and hints at a deeper bond, Fifteen is still operating with most of his mask on. Notice that when he asks Rogue about the person he lost, Ncuti Gatwa’s blocking has him leaning on the railing at an angle to the side of Rogue. He’s purposely staying at a distance, yet is leaning on the railings to appear casual. 

And when Rogue starts opening up, he moves closer and they’re at equal distance from each other.

We get a really sweet (and allegorical to the queer community) moment about The Doctor’s motivation of living out of respect for the dead, to keep living each day that they lost. And then we get Fifteen inviting Rogue onto the TARDIS. I want to focus on this because he doesn’t seem upset or disappointed by Rogue countering this offer by inviting The Doctor to travel with him, meaning he doesn’t see this as a “take it or leave it” offer. In fact, the compromise Fifteen comes up with, “let’s argue across the stars” and Rogue accepting it, is what leads to the almost kiss. So that prompts the question, what is Fifteen trying to say here? 

Well, what Fifteen is asking for is to continue seeing Rogue. It doesn’t matter to him if he’s on the TARDIS or not, all that matters is that he still has him in his life. The choice to see him more. Why does that sound familiar? Because that’s exactly what I wrote about in my dissertation on The Giggle’s Ending: 

“In giving Fourteen their own TARDIS, Fifteen is allowing his younger self to have what they always removed from the equation: free will. The Doctor can still go anywhere they want, which makes them even more motivated to stay and fix themself. Fourteen can feel safe staying with Donna, Wilf, Mel, Rose, Shaun, and Sylvia because the option to travel is still there.”

Fifteen’s love language is giving the people he cares about the freedom to express the love they already have within them. He values freedom above all else, and when Rogue accepts that freedom, that’s when we get the almost-kiss. This is the moment where The Doctor falls in love with Rogue back because it’s Rogue being willing to meet The Doctor where they’re at. He’s allowing Fifteen to set the pace and not force himself on him. 

Additionally, this willingness to be as slow or fast as The Doctor needs means far more to The Doctor overall than to just Fifteen. Many people have already pointed out the similarities between the line “let’s argue across the stars' and previous lines the Doctor has said to villainous characters like The Master and The Toymaker:

"We can take your games back to the stars."

"We can fight across the constellations if that's what you want".

Now, why is that? It’s because again, The Doctor’s perception of Rogue is evolving in this scene. Remember, up to this point, The Doctor doesn’t entirely know Rogue’s morality. All they know is that Rogue is a bounty hunter, and is not afraid to use his gun when he deems appropriate. There’s even a little line in this scene before the heart-to-heart where Fifteen specifically imposes his own brand of morality on the situation: “Whatever the Chuldur has done, I can’t let you kill it.” Now, we know that The Doctor’s morality and romantic life can conflict: River being a known murderer/psychopath, their longtime situationship, and later attempted rehabilitation of The Master/Missy. This is another feature of The Doctor’s character: while they do act like they have the final say on what is right, they also compromise that morality for people they care about. 

Like how The Doctor surprised Rogue by showing all of his faces, Rogue surprised the Doctor right back by not only being honest about his past but by being willing to accept The Doctor’s compromise. This moment is when The Doctor finds out that Rogue is a good person, and that The Doctor doesn’t need to compromise their morality when entering this relationship.

This heart-to-heart is about Rogue not only winning over the Fifteenth Doctor by agreeing with his values of freedom but also winning over The Doctor overall by just genuinely being a good person. But of course, the moral duty of taking care of the Chuldur rears its head in the form of the TARDIS alerting that the trap is ready. The bubble has popped and we still have a long way to go. 

(Plus, Fifteen’s facial expression in this shot perfectly captures that trademark “Oh.” moment, realizing you’re in love with someone but then taping it down to focus back on the immediate problem. Love you Ncuti Gatwa, you do great work)

Alright, now we’re at the dance/fake proposal scene. Oh lord, so much happens here with both dialogue and production regarding character, so let’s take this one at a time. Fifteen, Rogue and now Ruby have figured out the big plot regarding the Chuldur, their obsession with cosplay and dressing up to create drama. In response, Fifteen comes up with the idea to essentially beat them at their own game: create a fake scandal to draw them out. 

Now on paper and in terms of beating the bad guys, this is a plan that could and does work, but in terms of his relationship with Rogue: THIS. WAS. A. BAD. IDEA. Why? The very idea of masks and faking not only was the leading cause of them not connecting in the beginning but specifically doesn’t work with Rogue. You can see it in how Rogue nervously looks at Ruby and Emily when Fifteen asks him to dance, and even questions the validity of the plan: 

(credit goes to @carricfisher for texted gif, you're awesome)

It’s not just that he doesn’t know about homophobia, he just doesn’t like the idea of pretending at all. But the reason why it doesn’t collapse right away is because it’s not entirely pretending. The dance may function on the surface to create a scene, but for Rogue (and Fifteen albeit to a smaller extent) it doubles as an intimate moment between them. This connects to the choice of dimming the lights in an unrealistic way (which btw, as a film student, had me going insane watching it live). We’re seeing a deliberate break in reality, a dishonest showcase of the story being told, that serves the purpose of highlighting an ultimately honest and sincere act of love. Both The Doctor and Rogue are warping the aesthetic of deception in terms of the narrative by fabricating a scandal, and in terms of the production by changing the lighting. 

But of course, things start going to hell right there. Fifteen tries to up the drama and Rogue can’t keep up. Rogue overcorrects and proposes to Fifteen, who freaks out and leaves the room. Now, I don’t want to get into the question of whether or not Rogue was playing along by proposing or being genuine (Personally speaking, I think it was both. 70% true, and 30% fake). Instead, I want to clear up why Fifteen freaked out here. I’m sure a lot of the long-time audience could already guess that it was parallel to River Song, The Doctor’s wife, but I think it’s more layered than that. Why would a reference to River scare the Doctor so much, aside from reminding them of a close person they lost? Because the last time the Doctor got married to someone they truly loved, it involved a 24-year stay on Darillium, which he knew would end in tragedy. Note the word choice here:

“Sorry I…I can’t.”

Not ‘I don’t want this’, it’s a void of agency (which connects to my piece on The Giggle’s ending and freedom). The Doctor can’t have that with Rogue, he was fine with them being casual to avoid the possibility of losing him. 

But on my first watch, I couldn’t help getting a little bit cross with Fifteen here, because the amount of ball fumbling on display is outright ridiculous; The Time Lord brings himself onto the dancefloor, with a guy he nearly made out with two minutes ago, gets all up in his face and starts shouting at him to “tell me what you heart wants!” and then completely freezes when said guy starts proposing to him. What in the fuck did you expect was going to happen, bud?! What made you think this would go off without a hitch?

I want to preface this by saying I had a completely different reading of this scene for a long time. My original thought was that Fifteen was trying to do multiple things simultaneously. He potentially was trying to lure out the Chuldur by creating scandal and at the same time, was trying to have a serious talk with Rogue about where he’s at emotionally. These lines in particular have fascinated me since my first watch: “You would ask me to give up my title, my fortune. But what future can you promise me?”. It did feel like these lines hinted at Fifteen’s thought process at this moment, he chose those specific lines to use for this moment. Was Fifteen trying to have an honest conversation with Rogue about their relationship while being fake to everyone else? But that doesn’t make sense considering the previous conversation in the TARDIS showed Fifteen comfortable with the idea of them being casual and Rogue respecting that, so it doesn’t make sense with where Fifteen is progression-wise. 

But it wasn’t until writing out this piece that I realized I had it all wrong and the truth was far simpler: this is a repeat of their meeting on the balcony, albeit with higher personal stakes. Let’s take a step back here: What is happening in this scene? Fifteen and Rogue are completely missing what the other is trying to say. Fifteen ignored Rogue being visibly uncomfortable over being back to playing with masks, and Rogue is not getting if Fifteen wants him to be genuine or not. Just like on the balcony and the garden, where both sides think they’re saying one thing when it’s the opposite. Before, both parties were wrong about who they were, now both parties are wrong about what they want. 

Fifteen is saying complete bullshit here, not true stuff to their situation but stuff that their audience would react to. He’s being over the top on purpose to elicit reactions. Meanwhile Rogue is thinking he’s being genuine. He thinks Fifteen is, through code speak, trying to genuinely ask him these questions. Which leads him to get down on one knee. And that’s a big problem because Rogue doesn’t know that proposing is wading into a gargantuan trauma pool for The Doctor. This scene is a magnified example of the duo’s problem with masks and not being completely honest with each other. 

However, while this scene may have been a cause for regression from The Doctor on the relationship part, Rogue on the other hand has an epiphany. In the scene following this one, we get the truly iconic callback of “Run.” and Rogue taking the Doctor’s hand. Why is this important? Well, there are three specific examples that this moment is calling back to: 

Nine meeting Rose ("Run!")

Victorian Clara and Eleven fleeing from the Ice Governess ("I do the handgrabbing! That's my job! That's always me!")

Twelve running with River ("Stop holding my hand! People don't do that to me!")

Nine meeting Rose establishes this idea of protection: The Doctor taking care of someone by leading them away from danger. The other two examples are subversions of that idea: Clara and River are now leading The Doctor out of danger. Same principle here, except here it has a bit more context behind it. Clara and River subverting that act of protection made sense given who they were: Clara as an echo across The Doctor’s time stream knew who The Doctor was and what they needed, even if she didn’t know it consciously when the moment happened. River as The Doctor’s wife also knew who they were and what they needed at the time. 

By connecting Rogue’s action of taking Fifteen’s hand and running to Clara and River, it not only again connects Fifteen and Rogue to previous romantic relationships, but it also shows Rogue learning from his mistake. Rogue’s mistake in the proposal scene was him not figuring out what Fifteen needed at that moment, it was a major miscommunication. Now, at this moment, Rogue is starting to figure out what he needs to do. He is, to use relationship lingo, "shelving his agenda" to help the Doctor. 

And that progression continues through the last leg of the episode, including the moment when Fifteen thinks Ruby is dead. I’ve always found this moment in particular so fascinating because of how loud it is metaphorically for both characters. Fifteen is taking off the mask of coolness and revealing that Doctor™ anger. This is a complete switch-up from what he’s been like throughout most of the episode. Yet when he lets out that chilling line, “Good. That’s a long time to suffer.” Rogue doesn’t look all that scared or mad at him. 

The face Rogue makes here looks far closer to a resigned sadness, almost like he knew that he would have that reaction. Keep in mind that Rogue knows nothing about The Doctor at their worst, all that he knows right now is that they lost “everyone”. Compare that with Donna, who was outright terrified of The Doctor when at their worst (for good reason though). 

Rogue isn’t surprised by this at all. He’s not asking “What happened to this person in front of me?”, he’s realizing “This is how much he cares about his best friend.” He’s seeing the depth of this person’s love that is inexorably linked to the depth of his grief, and is realizing he can’t allow that grief to corrupt this person he’s grown to love, even if it means endangering himself. Which is exactly what ends up happening.

This is where the theme of masks finally pays off. At the beginning of the episode, both Rogue and Fifteen are wearing their masks (cold, uncaring bounty hunter, and flirtatious partygoer). Those masks started to come down, but that got messed up thanks to miscommunication. Rogue didn’t understand what The Doctor needed from him, causing their trauma to resurface and The Doctor ran away from having to deal with that grief. This final scene is them being completely honest with each other. Rogue asks him “Can you lose your friend to save the world?”, and Fifteen tells him the truth. He can’t, he can’t let that happen again. And Rogue understands that, he finally knows what needs to be done. And so he kisses him. Why did Rogue kiss him? Again, it’s a repeat of a previous scene, this time the dance. Rogue is comfortable putting on a mask/doing something dishonest when there’s an aspect of truth to it. Even if they danced together to serve a lie, it still was a moment powered by romantic feelings. Same with the kiss. Rogue had wanted to kiss him, so he felt comfortable doing something with an ulterior motive (taking the button from him) because it was also something he would’ve wanted to do regardless of the situation. 

But why did Rogue do it? The one line that I kept thinking of in summing up the intent behind Rogue's sacrifice was, ironically, from Frozen: "Love is...putting someone else's needs before yours”. Essentially, shelving your agenda, like we’ve been saying. Back in the proposal scene, Rogue’s mess up was not figuring out what Fifteen needed out of him at that moment. Fifteen needed him to play along in faking and instead, Rogue heel turned into a lot of trauma for The Doctor. So now, after seeing how important Ruby was to Fifteen, so important that he was willing to torture The Chuldur out of grief, Rogue is putting The Doctor’s needs before his own and stopping him from having to choose between her and the world. It's also why Rogue wiping away his tears before the kiss was so crazy because that's normally the Doctor's job. The Doctor is normally the one who turns sadness into hope. This time, someone else is doing that for him.

(credit to ngatwa again)

The greatest act of love in the episode was not the proposal, it was the sacrifice.

To close our tale, let us circle back to talking about Fifteen’s character arc. I opened this essay by talking about Fifteen’s main character flaw being a contradiction: both valuing emotional intimacy and running from it. That doesn’t seem to change by the end of this episode, so much so that Ruby forces Fifteen to take a moment and mourn Rogue’s loss when he wants to steamroll forward. But there’s one little detail left: Fifteen kept the ring. Not only kept it but is wearing it in the season finale to the point of even playing with it like a nervous tick. 

That bond, that relationship was so important to him that he doesn’t allow himself to ignore it. It’s only after he has that hug with Ruby that he pulls out the ring and chooses to wear it. Rogue is the one thing Fifteen won’t run away from because what they had wasn’t fake. It was real. 

Rogue, the supposed bounty hunter who only cared about wealth, loved The Doctor so much that he was willing to give up his life for his friend. The Doctor, the supposed Time Lord who flees from attachment, loves Rogue enough to remember him every day.  

I ask you, gentle readers, how could one resist a love story like that?

NOTE: some extra bits I wanted to include that I couldn’t fit anywhere else: I’m such a sucker for color symbolism, and having Rogue wear blue in contrast to Fifteen’s normally warm color palette, as well as blue being the color of The TARDIS…it just makes me feel things, ya’ know? 

Also, by not gendering Rogue’s previous partner, only ever using they/them pronouns, it helps add to the relationship in a social commentary way. It subtly shows that Rogue already has experience/is attracted to people who on some level defy gender norms, which helps prime the audience to buy Rogue accepting/liking The Doctor being able to change gender when regenerating.

Essentially, I'm insane over these two, and I need them back on screen as soon as possible.

[yahoo201027]

Now Playing: Season 1 (Series 14), Episode 2 of Doctor Who on @bbcone.

[delphines]

I was tagged by @eagans, thank you Syn!! I combined the last couple tag games into one post, hope that's ok :)

1 ) are you named after someone? yes! technically I'm half named after a person, half named after a cat lol

2 ) when is the last time you cried? today :') yayyy

3 ) do you like your handwriting? yes!

4 ) what is your favorite lunch meat? I'm a lifelong vegetarian haha

5 ) do you have kids? just a cat ^-^

6 ) if you were another person, would you be friends with you? very severance-coded question lol, I'm going to optimistically say yes but it would be an interesting dynamic to say the least

7 ) do you use sarcasm? always

8 ) do you still have your tonsils? yes

9 ) would you bungee jump? probably not

10 ) what is your favorite kind of cereal? this is a very lame answer but genuinely those high-fiber generic cereals and/or raisin bran + a sprinkle of granola...yes I'm a grandma

11 ) do you untie your shoes when you take them off? no

12 ) do you think you're a strong person? hmm...that depends

13 ) what is your favorite ice cream flavor? cookie dough!

14 ) what is the first thing you notice about people? gonna steal syn's answer and say their vibe haha

15 ) red or pink? pink

16 ) what do you least like about yourself physically? skippp

17 ) what color pants and shoes are you wearing now? green, and no shoes rn

18 ) what was the last thing you ate? ice cream (sadly not cookie dough flavor though)

19 ) what are you listening to right now? traffic outside

20 ) if you were a crayon, what color would you be? green or lilac

21 ) favorite smell? hmm that really depends but today I'm gonna go with the cliche answers of flowers & rain

22 ) who was the last person you spoke to on the phone? someone from work

23 ) favorite sport to watch? none lol

24 ) hair color? red

25 ) eye color? brown

26 ) do you wear contacts? nope

27 ) favorite food to eat? probably just plain old cheese & crackers

28 ) scary movies or comedy? comedy, but also I just don't watch movies in general very often

29 ) last movie you watched? darkest miriam

30 ) what color shirt are you wearing? green

31 ) summer or winter? winter always...I literally get seasonal depression from the summer which I find hilarious even though it is annoying

32 ) hugs or kisses? hugs. a good hug can heal you honestly

33 ) what book are you currently reading? in the middle of a bunch of tv analysis books, rn my favorite is "orphan black and philosophy" which is very good

34 ) who do you miss right now? my pre-burnout self :')

35 ) what is on your mouse pad? questions that send you back to your parents' "computer room" in 2005 lmao

36 ) what is the last tv program you watched? doctor who (some of my favorite older episodes - I'm not touching the latest season)

37 ) what is the best sound? gonna go with another cliche and say rain against windows in the middle of the night

38 ) rolling stones or the beatles? I have fond memories attached to some beatles songs

39 ) what is the farthest you have ever traveled? skip sorry (I get paranoid sharing anything related to my physical location on here)

40 ) do you have a special talent? uhh I can crochet?

41 ) where were you born? skip sorry again

42 ) people you expect to participate in this? if you made it this far and want to join in, feel free :)

And for the second tag game, here's my picrew! Yes, I am indeed a redhead with hellyna's haircut 🫣 I promise I had the haircut before 2022 lol

[bomikalover]

Did my yearly rewatch of Austin and Ally (all 4 seasons) and now I’m hyper fixated on it. So I decided to yap my head off on here so if you don’t care for anything A&A specific then just scroll and enjoy my other posts or edits of the stuff you do like 🫶🏾

Anywaysss, why I’m here.

AUSTIN AND ALLY’S PARENTS ARENT GOOD PARENTS!!

There i said it.

The only one I give slack is Ally’s mom as she mostly lives in Africa for work (I think?? I kinda black out the parents storyline since I’m here for any else but the parents) plus she wrote a book and when she was in Miami with Ally she spent all her time WITH HER DAUGHTER. She gave advice, presents, and even gave her an opportunity to sing at her event which was the event she overcame her greatest fear. She was polite and sweet to all the kids, put effort to talking to them, and getting to known them. We’ve seen her for maybe 2-3 episodes TOPS in the whole show but I never disliked her. Do I think she could have had a talk with her ex-husband and made him work at his own business?? Yes but they spilt for a reason and maybe she was just already mentally clocked out of anything dealing with him…cuz I know I am.

Her dad on the other hand I majorly dislike. He opened a business just to leave in the hands of his only daughter between ages 14-18 while she was already occupied with school and then her career as an artist. Plus she had friends and a young life that she wanted to live. Fortunately Ally was lucky her 3 friends stuck around all day in Sonic Boom helping out and hanging there instead of completely leaving Ally out since she was constantly busy with work.

He was also extremely cheap. Like being cheap with urself is fine but with ur daughter is a whole nother thing. Like when he gave her emergency funds for when she went to go on tour with Austin and she actually needed it as she was stranded in an unknown state. Just to find out that her dad only gave her $6 and an expired coupon. She once again was on her own and performed for her own well-being.

And he was also unsupportive of Ally sometimes. Like in the first episode when he said that she had one in a billion chance of making it into the music industry. (Austin’s dad said that as well, but we’ll get to him later) WHAT?! Is it so hard to be supportive of ur daughter. (He does support her in future episodes but for me it’s says a lot that the first impression we get of her father is that he’s unsupportive and only wants her to run the family store)

Speaking of no support and forcing their child to follow their footsteps…Mike and Mimi Moon.

They also came out the bat being unsupportive but seemed to care enough to not force Austin to work at the Mattress Kingdom. But they heavily offered the job every time something went slightly off course with Austin’s Career. (Him getting vocal nodes or when he chose loving Ally over his career that he’s been passionately working on for years)

Both of A&A’s parents were just letting their kids travel by themselves or go on tour by themselves. (It’s EXTREMELY common for parents to be MIA in kids tv but these rubbed me the wrong way) like we rarely saw Mr.Dawson at Ally’s performances Vice versa with Austin and his parents. It took Austin having to go the doctors or Ally moving away super far to accomplish her goals to get their attention.

I’m not surprised Auslly has such a strong unbreakable bond when they’re two only children with neglectful parents who are unsupportive of their dreams. They have no one to relate to and share the passion with beside each other. They both have best friends that have been in their lives YEARS before each other yet Auslly talk of each other as if that’s all they have is each other. (Side note: the way Auslly write their songs make me question how much stuff they truly went through together. Like “You can come to me” lyrics are so sweet and intimate but also so deep but it’s extremely evident that they are singing these lyrics to each other and only each other. Like they surpassed hurdles that Dez and Trish weren’t there to surpass with them. I wonder how much of Auslly we haven’t seen and will never see.)

Dez and Trish aren’t only children like Austin & Ally. Dez has a (older?) sister and Trish has a little brother. Both their families seemed extremely happy, loving, and outwardly supportive of them…I can’t say the same for Austin and Ally.

I could go on and on about this topic alone but I’ll spare your eyes from all the reading and stop yapping. But I’ll gladly talk about all my other thoughts about certain A&A things. Like the Auslly dynamic in a whole, why Austin’s passion for music is so strong, or even why Trish can’t keep a job.

But that’s a yapper-sation for another time.