#doctor has so much exp points

[lacunasbalustrade]

assigned to bed rest: the experience of a hospital patient

[dreamwritesimagines]

Garden of Secrets [7] - Marigolds

A.N: Thank you so much for your amazing feedback and support my loves!❤ I hope you’ll like this chapter as well, and please don’t forget to tell me what you think, thank you! ❤

Thanks so much to @theskytraveler​ for helping me with the chapter!

Summary: Love can be cruel to heart.

Warnings: Regency era society and social rules, some gender specific language and terms.

Word Count: 5300

Series Masterlist

Technically, you knew it was a bad idea to stay under the scorching sun for hours, working in your garden without a water bottle by your side or your hat on your head.

You knew that very well but in your defense, you hadn’t really noticed the time passing.

“Auntie, how much longer are you going to act like I’m about to say my last words?” you asked as she shushed you, tucking the corners of the heavy covers into the bed, almost trapping you there.

“I’m glad you find a near death experience amusing.”

“Near death exp—I stood up too fast and passed out for what, five seconds?”

Your maid wrung the cloth in ice cold water, then came to press it on your wrists, making you heave a sigh.

“Thank you Paula but it’s honestly not necessary-”

“Fainting is a serious issue that has a lot of people in its clutches Y/N,” your aunt said solemnly. “It’s no topic to be made light of.”

“I doubt it counts as fainting.”

“The doctor said it does,” she said and took another cloth to press it on your forehead, shaking her head. “Heat exhaustion, he said. We’re blessed that we didn’t lose you.”

“The doctor also said I would be alright in a couple of hours auntie,” you pointed out. “So before you call the priest here for my final confession—”

“Y/N!” she chided you, making you grin at her but before you could say anything, your uncle knocked on the doorframe as Teddy wheezed past him to throw himself into your arms.

“Teddy, careful dear,” your aunt said. “We don’t want to overexert your sister.”

He nodded shyly and looked up at you.

“Sorry. Are you better now?”

You pressed a kiss on his forehead and smiled at him.

“I’m absolutely fine,” you said. “I assure you. Were you worried?”

He chewed on his lip, nodding again as he played with your hair and you wrapped your arms around him.

“It was just too much sun, Teddy,” you said. “That’s it.”

“Do you need anything Clover?” your uncle asked and you shook your head.

“No I’m alright. Thank you uncle.”

“Howard,” your aunt said, putting her hands on her hips. “I think we should call the doctor again.”

“We should not,” you told her and your uncle repressed a chuckle.

“Well, considering you had a close encounter with Hades…”

“Not you too!”

“Who’s Hades?” Teddy mumbled and you grinned.

“Um, the doctor my sweet.”

“I took it upon me to tell your suitors you’re in no condition to accept any visits until further notice.”

Your head shot up and you cleared your throat.

“That’s a good idea, thank you,” you managed to say. “I still feel a bit faint to be honest.”

Your aunt gasped as Paula put the cloth in the water again, but you stopped her and winked at her, making her bite down a smile.

“See, I told you!” your aunt said. “Of course you cannot receive any suitors while you’re like this, and no attending balls until you’re in better health either, I will not hear it.”

“Oh no,” you deadpanned. “That’s so sad.”

“And no spending time in the garden either.”

“What?” you asked as your eyes widened. “Auntie!”

“And when it’s time, you will wear a hat and carry an umbrella with you,” she said, holding up a hand as you opened your mouth to argue. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I will tell the cook to change today’s menu, and get you as much fruit juice as possible.”

“But—” you started but she walked out of the room completely ignoring your protests. You leaned back with a sigh.

“She worries too much.”

“You know how she is when it comes to you and Teddy,” your uncle said and came to sit beside the bed. “Teddy, why don’t you let Paula take you to the kitchen? So that you can tell the cook to make that drink you like for you and Y/N.”

“That sounds like a good idea!” you said and Teddy shook his head, making you frown. “No?”

“No,” he muttered, still holding you tight and you exchanged glances with your uncle.

“Why not?” you asked. “You like chocolate milk. We can even put pieces of cookies into it the way you like.”

He shook his head again and frowned up at you.

“If you’re sick, I will stay here to protect you.”

You could swear your heart melted as a smile curled your lips, and you rubbed his back.

“And I’m sure you would do a wonderful job at that, but I’m not sick,” you said. “Do you remember how you scraped your knee the last summer and I was very worried but you were alright?”

He nodded.

“It’s just like that,” you said. “I will rest a little and I will be fine. But you know what would make me feel much better?”

“What?”

“Those figures you make for me from twigs.”

He gasped and sat up straight. “Really?”

“Yes,” you said. “Would you make one for me while I rest?”

He nodded fervently and kissed you on the cheek, then ran out of the room. Paula took a look at you.

“My lady, shall I keep an eye on him?”

“That would be wonderful, thank you,” you said and she walked out of the room. Your uncle gave you a smile and ruffled your hair, making you let out a small laugh.

“Are you sure you’re not dying?”

“Quite sure,” you said. “Do you think auntie will be alright though?”

“Not until she is convinced you rested enough,” your uncle said. “So, I wanted to ask you. I know I told your suitors you would not accept them at this time but do you want me to make any exceptions for any of them?”

You frowned. “Like who?”

“Like a certain artist if he visits?”

You rolled your eyes and leaned back in the bed, crossing your arms. “He’s not my suitor.”

“Do you wish him to be?”

You scoffed, making a face.

“I would never marry him,” you said. “It’s a good thing that he’s not courting me officially, saves both of us from wasting our time.”

He tilted his head. “Clover.”

“It’s just Lady Whistledown’s gossip.”

“Your aunt thinks you two have feelings for each other.”

“Benedict Bridgerton seems to have feelings for a lot of ladies in the ton, I wouldn’t assume it’s anything special for me.”

“And you?”

“I do have feelings for him,” you said, making him raise his brows. “Vexation is the first one that comes to mind. Ire too. While we’re at it, let’s also throw in some exasperation—”

“Alright,” he said with a chuckle and held up his hands in a mock of surrender. “And not an ounce of affection beneath all that?”

You pursed your lips, the sight of him at the greenhouse shooting through your mind. Even the thought was enough to make your heart beat faster and as much as you would have loved to lie to yourself—

No.

You couldn’t even entertain that idea.

Yes, perhaps you didn’t dislike his presence as much as you pretended to, and maybe your eyes had started searching for him in every outing lately but you couldn’t let that cloud your judgement.

He was attractive, there was no denying it, but that was all there was to this strange feeling.

“Clover?”

You snapped out of your thoughts and looked at him. “Huh?”

A smile curled his lips and he shook his head with a sigh.

“You know,” he said. “I find it quite ironic that you keep using the same approach with your suitors but are unable to see it for yourself.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, my dear,” your uncle said, giving you a knowing look. “Silence is an answer too sometimes.”

You pulled back, swallowing thickly and he stood up.

“Do try to rest a little,” he said. “I’m sure you need it. And just see whether you will miss him until you see him again.”

You let out a breath as he walked out of the room and closed the door behind him, leaving you alone. You shook your head and pressed your palms over your eyes, slipping further into the covers.

“I had too much sun,” you muttered to yourself. “That’s all.”

                                           *

After three days of complete rest, you were about to lose your mind. You really wanted to go and check your garden and you had almost managed to sneak out until your aunt caught you by the door and insisted that you kept resting in your room.

“It’s not as if there’s a lack of flowers there,” she had told you and even if you hated to admit, she was right.

Somehow.

Your suitors, after hearing of your so called sickness had all decided to send you flowers and now your room was filled with multiple bouquets of roses and tulips and forget-me-nots. Ironically you couldn’t even put a face on the name of the lord who sent you the forget-me-nots, but since your aunt had told you not to exert yourself, you weren’t even going to strain your mind about that.

Daphne and Charlotte had visited you earlier yesterday, and apparently Benedict had accompanied them but your uncle had told him you were in no condition to accept anyone except your lady friends.

You didn’t want to scream out loud when you had heard of him doing so, not at all.

You knew exactly what your uncle was doing. He was trying to see whether you would want to see Benedict after a couple of days of not talking to him, to prove to you that you would miss him more than you cared to admit. You couldn’t decide what was more annoying, the fact that your uncle was right or that you hadn’t been subtle at all when you told him you “didn’t mind” if Benedict decided to visit.

“Not to overexert you of course,” your aunt said as she walked to smell the newest bouquet of flowers in the vase. “But I was thinking tomorrow evening we could go see a play?”

“Anything to get me out of the house, yes,” you said almost too quickly. “And to repeat, I’m not overexerted. I’m completely alright auntie.”

“Thankfully,” she said and touched the roses. “Aren’t they beautiful? Who sent them?”

“Lord Brumley,” you said with a wave of hand. “What’s the play?”

“Taming of the Shrew,” she said. “You’ll like it I’m sure.”

You tilted your head at her, narrowing your eyes and she shot you a smile.

“What?” she said. “I said nothing.”

“Auntie—”

“My lady?” Paula knocked on the door. “Lord Thorne says Mr. Bridgerton is here if you wish to see him.”

You could swear your heart leaped to your throat as you sat up straight in bed.

“What?” you asked, your voice coming out a bit high pitched before you cleared your throat, frowning while your aunt suppressed her smile.

“That’s nice of him,” she commented and you nibbled on your lip, then fixed your gown.

“He may come here,” you managed to say before you turned to your aunt. “Auntie…”

“Paula stays right here,” she said and you nodded.

“Of course,” you said and she walked out of the room, greeting Benedict outside. Paula approached the nearest vase to make herself look busy, giving you as much privacy as she could considering the circumstances and you shot her a small smile, then turned your head when you heard the knock on the doorframe.

You couldn’t ignore the fluttering in your stomach if you tried, but it didn’t mean you wouldn’t try.

“Miss Y/N,” he said as he bowed and stepped into the room. It didn’t escape your attention that unlike your other suitors, he hadn’t brought you any flowers—

Not that he was your suitor, or that you wanted any flowers from him.

“Mr. Bridgerton,” you greeted him back as if your heart wasn’t pacing against your ribcage and he looked around the room, raising his brows.

“Roses and tulips,” he commented. “Your favorites.”

You repressed a small smile and shrugged your shoulders. “And surprisingly no Venus Flytraps.”

The corners of his eyes crinkled as he smiled at you before he let out a breath, his soft gaze focused on you.

“How do you feel?” he asked. “Charlie says it was heat exhaustion?”

“Yeah,” you nodded. “It was nothing.”

“I doubt it was nothing, she says you passed out.”

“For five seconds,” your reply came quick. “It doesn’t even count.”

“It sounds like it does.”

You rolled your eyes.

“A man of many talents, are you not?” you asked. “Benedict Bridgerton, the artist, eligible bachelor and now doctor.”

“Oh look at that, you’re back,” he teased back. “I was beginning to go through withdrawals after three days of no snark from you.”

“Not to worry, I spent those three days saving some for you,” you answered and his expression turned from amused to gentle.

“But are you certain you’re alright?” he asked. “Did the doctor say so?”

A warmth spread through your chest and you cleared your throat.

“I’m more than ready to be up and about and insult you in any kind of outing,” you deadpanned. “I can start now if you want. Beginning early and everything.”

He tilted his head and motioned at you. “Do your worst.”

“You seem quite tired and sleepless,” you noted. “Have you been getting enough inspiration lately?”

A surprised chuckle escaped from his lips, the pleasant sound making you bite back a smile.

“On another thought, I don’t want to know. Please spare me the details or the general idea.”

“Y/N—” he started but you widened your eyes and stole a look at Paula who was still in the room. He followed your gaze before turning to you and took a deep breath, then cleared his throat.

“Miss Y/N,” he corrected himself. “I uh…I’d better leave you to your rest.”

You could feel your stomach drop but you shrugged your shoulders. “I’m grateful for your visit, Mr. Bridgerton.”

“And I’m grateful that you’re alright,” he said and took a step to the door but then turned around.

“I almost forgot,” he said as he reached into the inner pocket of his waistcoat to pull out a folded paper, and placed it on your bedside. “Get well soon, Miss Y/N.”

He bowed and walked out of the room, making you frown and reach out to get the paper before you unfolded it with nimble fingers, a breath leaving your lips as soon as your eyes fell upon what was inside.

You would have recognized it anywhere.

He had painted you a small picture of Middlemist Red, your favorite flower. You blinked a couple of times, the warmth rushing through your face and you let a smile pull at your lips as you traced the brush strokes with your fingertips, nearly mesmerized.

He had brought you a flower after all, and he had managed to bring you your favorite.

You pushed the covers off of you and approached the painting of a garden hung on the wall before you carefully tucked the paper to the frame, then stepped back to look at it better.

“It’s very beautiful my lady,” Paula said and you turned to her, barely aware of the smile lighting up your face.

“Yes,” you managed to say. “Yes, it really is.”

                                            *

Thankfully your aunt was finally convinced that you weren’t going to drop dead all of a sudden so this play -though it was not your favorite- was going to be a nice distraction from the last couple of days. Charlotte had found you the minute you stepped foot into the building and whisked you away from your aunt who already seemed eager to talk to Lady Danbury.

“…So then Mr. Fairfax asked me to see him in the garden after the dance.”

Your eyes widened. “Lottie, please tell me you said no.”

“Of course I said no!” she said quickly. “My mama would lose her mind if I were ever alone with a man. Not that she had much to worry about, because I happened to mention Mr. Fairfax’s request to Benedict and he looked very angry for some reason, then nearly dragged Mr. Fairfax out of the ballroom!”

Your heart skipped a beat but you sipped your drink just so that you could act normal.

“Good,” you commented and Lottie tilted her head to the side.

“What do you think Mr. Fairfax wanted to talk to me about in the garden?”

You heaved a sigh, Charlotte was too sweet for this world.

“I have no idea but I doubt it was anything good,” you said and looked around, trying to distract her. “It’s very beautiful here, don’t you think?”

“Oh yes!” she said. “Is this the first time you’re here?”

“Mm hm. You?”

She shook her head. “I’ve been here a couple of times, they hold wonderful plays here. Not that anything they put on stage can beat the rooftop, but…”

“There’s a rooftop here?”

“Oh my God yes!” she said, reaching out to hold your arm. “You simply must see it! Perhaps we can go up there after the play and watch the stars—I swear, it’s the best view in London.”

“You’re raising my expectations, I hope you know that,” you said with a smile but before she could say anything else, your aunt approached you.

“Miss Harlowe,” she said. “Do you mind if I borrow my niece for a moment?”

“No of course not,” she said and your aunt linked her arm with yours, and slowly led you away from her.

“It’s a shame our seats are so away from each other,” you said, “I’d quite like Lottie’s commentary on the play.”

“Clover my dear,” your aunt said. “I was wondering, what do you think of Lord Shaw?”

You pulled your brows together. “Uh…I don’t think of him,” you said. “Why?”

“I just talked to him,” she said. “He wants to ask your uncle for your hand in marriage.”

That was enough to make you stop dead in your tracks, your heart dropping down to your stomach. You could feel the fear filling you and you tried to find your voice that seemed to have disappeared all of a sudden.

“Auntie…”

“Obviously the decision is all yours dearest, and if—no?” she asked as you shook your head fervently, breathing hard.

“I don’t…” you swallowed thickly. “I don’t want him. I don’t want him as a husband.”

“Alright, then your uncle will turn him down in your behalf.”

Fixing your breathing felt nearly impossible. “Will he?”

She looked at you with a soft look on her face and rubbed at your arm.

“My dearest, we would never, ever force you to marry somebody you don’t wish to,” she asked. “I assumed you did not like him, but I wanted to ask you to be sure.”

“I’m sure,” you said, fear still keeping you tight in its cold clutch. “No I don’t—I don’t want to marry him.”

“Then you will not marry him,” she assured you as they announced that the play was about to start. Your aunt pulled you to your seat and out of the corner of your eye, you could see Benedict walking into the theatre with Colin to sit beside Charlotte but you were too lost in your thoughts to even turn your head.

If the proposals had started coming…

It wasn’t that you didn’t know it would happen when you debuted. After all, your uncle was very wealthy and your dowry was huge, so it was no wonder you would receive proposals but you hadn’t really stopped to think about the actual possibility of marriage this soon.

It was alright. It was going to be alright, you weren’t going to get married to someone you didn’t want, and you were going to find someone that fit your criteria, and—

And then you would be experiencing every aspect of marriage.

Where had the air disappear to in this goddamn theatre?

You took a look at the stage to see the actors and actresses taking their places and you forced yourself to inhale just so that you could get some air into your lungs. You gritted your teeth, then touched your aunt’s hand.

Charlotte was sitting far away from you and your aunt didn’t have her glasses on.

“Auntie, I think Charlotte is still outside,” you said. “I just remembered I needed to tell her something, I’ll be right back.”

“But Clover, the play has already started.”

“I’ll be right back,” you said and stood up from your seat, painfully aware of Benedict’s gaze on you but you walked out of the theatre into the hallway without so much as a glance back. You rubbed at your wrist, your heart still beating in your ears.

You didn’t want to be seen by anyone, and you desperately needed somewhere you could pull yourself together—

The rooftop.

You gathered up your skirts to lift them a little, then rushed to the stairs to ascend them until you reached the very top, and pushed open the door to step outside, the cool weather hitting your burning face. You closed your eyes for a moment, then opened them and approached the edge, a breath of awe leaving your lips.

Charlotte was right, the view was gorgeous.

You had to have stared at the view of the city for almost a minute before the sound of the door opening made you turn your head to look over your shoulder, that familiar warmth making its way through the icy cold of the fear in your chest.

“Let me guess,” Benedict said, “You hate Shakespeare as well?”

You pressed your lips together, then turned your gaze to the view again.

“I like some of his plays,” you said. “And before you ask, Romeo and Juliet is not among them, no.”

“That’s shocking.”

“How did you know where I was?”

“Charlie assumed you couldn’t wait to see the rooftop,” he stated and you nodded.

“I guess that’s true in a way,” you commented before you fixed your skirts, then sat down on the ground. Benedict approached you and hesitated for a moment.

“May I?”

“Go ahead, I’m not the owner of the building.”

He shot you that crooked grin of his before he sat beside you.

“Are you alright?”

You bit inside your cheek and stole a look at him, then nodded.

“Yes,” you said, making sure to keep your expression flat. “I suppose I needed some fresh air after being cooped up in the house for days.”

“Is that the only reason you’re here?”

No.

No, of course it was not.

The reason was that you couldn’t even imagine being married to someone without feeling as if all the air was pulled out of your lungs, but you couldn’t exactly say that. You rubbed at your wrist as you looked up at the sky so that you could avoid looking at him, then laid on your back, curling an arm behind your head. The glimmering stars were so beautiful in the dark sky that for a moment you wanted to tell him to look up, but all his attention seemed to be on you.

“Y/N,” he said, his voice soft. “What is it?”

You rolled your eyes.

“If you’re going to keep smothering me with your questions, I may reconsider my decision about letting you stay.”

“I thought you said you weren’t the owner of the building.”

“I can pretend otherwise if need be,” you said. “Your presence is much more enjoyable if it’s not accompanied by questions.”

He tilted his head. “I thought you hated my presence.”

“You have your moments,” you pointed out. “Very rare moments, and it seems that right now is not one of them.”

He shot you a roguish smirk. “I’m still taking that as a good sign.”

“You do that quite a lot,” you remarked before you raised a hand to trail it in the air, following the shape of the stars. “It’d be one less thing to worry about if I were dead, I tell you. I wouldn’t have to deal with suitors.”

He pulled his brows together. “Yes because you’d be dead.”

“Yet here I am, constantly subjected to suitors and their nonsense,” you muttered and sat up. “Go on then.”

He looked a bit confused. “Hm?”

“You’re here, so you might as well make your presence useful,” you said. “Entertain me.”

His smile was too irresistible, and that was why you refused to look his way but you hadn’t expected him to lean back on his palms and take a look at the sky.

“As my lady wishes. Do you know what that constellation is?” he asked, pointing at a couple of stars and you followed his line of sight, then shook your head.

“No,” you said. “What is it?”

“Andromeda.”

“Judging by my limited knowledge of mythology, I’m going to go on a limb and say Zeus had something to do with that.”

He let out a chuckle. “Not really.”

“No?”

“No,” he said, “Andromeda was this… beautiful princess of Aethiopia. She was so beautiful that her mother Cassiopeia started saying she was more beautiful than Nereids, Poseidon’s daughters.”

You hissed in a breath. “Hubris. Bad idea in Greek mythology.”

“Very bad idea,” he nodded. “As you can tell, Poseidon doesn’t take that kindly.”

“Of course not.”

“So he sends a sea monster to ravage their coasts to punish the king and the queen for their hubris,” Benedict said. “The king asks his oracle for a solution, and the oracle tells him he has to sacrifice Andromeda, that there is no other way.”

You made a face. “I don’t like this story.”

Benedict grinned. “But,” he said. “As fate would have it, when they tie Andromeda to a rock for the sea monster to take her, Perseus happens to be flying over there on his winged sandals, having just slain Medusa. He sees Andromeda, and…”

“Ugh,” you groaned. “Let me guess, he falls in love with her?”

“He falls in love with her,” he nodded. “So he kills the monster, saves Andromeda and marries her.”

“Shocking.”

“And after her death, Athena places Andromeda into the sky as a star with her whole family,” Benedict said, pointing at the star. “Right there.”

You bit down on a smile and clicked your tongue.

“Interesting,” you commented. “You know all myths by heart?”

He nodded his head. “Most of them,” he said. “You’re not the only one with a specific interest.”

“Here I thought the only thing you could offer was your good looks.”

That mischievous smile curled his lips. “I wasn’t aware you found me good looking, Miss Y/N.”

You shot him a glare but that did nothing to wipe that smile off his face.

“Kitty Morris is still inside, I suggest you go to her if you’re in need of compliments,” you said. “Or Madame Delacroix. Or any of your dalliances, really. I’m sure there’s quite the queue.”

“Are all your compliments instantly followed by biting remarks?”

“I couldn’t say, I’m not in the habit of giving people compliments.”

He chuckled, the pleasant sound making your heart skip a beat but you bit on your lip.

“That being said…” you said after a small hesitation. “Thank you. For the—for the flower, earlier. Middlemist Red.”

He looked almost abashed. “I’m glad you liked it.”

“I loved it,” you said, nervousness hitting you out of nowhere. “And I will keep it.”

He turned his glances to you. “Will you?”

“Well, yes,” you said. “When you unavoidably become a famous artist, I will either sell it to get rich or keep it to use it as an object for boosting and elevating my position among the ton. I haven’t decided yet.”

He stared at you before he scoffed a laugh, his blue eyes glimmering in delight even under the moonlight, and he ran a hand through his black hair in almost a nervous manner, messing it up in such a lovely way that you had to remind yourself not to reach out to touch it to see if it was as soft as it looked.

“Thank you,” he ended up saying. “It means more than you know, coming from you.”

You offered him a small smile, playing with the silk skirts of your dress just so that you could do something with your hands.

“Why are you here?” he asked after a couple of seconds of silence. “Really?”

You shrugged your shoulders and fixed your skirts.

“I told you,” you said nonchalantly. “I was in need of some fresh air. Why are you here?”  

A silence fell upon him only for a moment before he took a deep breath.

“Can’t you tell?” he asked, and as if on cue, your heart started pacing in your chest. Your eyes shot up to his blue gaze, your breath getting caught in your throat and all you could do was stare at him for a moment.

The warmth of hope that had shot through your whole system was so sudden that it made your head spin, and it would’ve been intoxicating if it weren’t for—

If it weren’t for the familiar fear turning it into ice shards in your veins.

You pulled back slightly, your eyes burning as you dug your fingernails into your palms before you subtly twisted your wrist and clenched your jaw, painfully aware of the hostile glare taking over the happy light that was in your eyes a moment ago, and judging by his expression, so was he.

“Y/N—”

“Don’t,” you cut him off through clenched teeth and shook your head. “I wouldn’t even entertain that thought if I were you.”

He swallowed thickly, his eyes darting over your face as if he was trying to read your mind. “Why not?”

You shook your head again, fear slowly poisoning your system even if you were trying your hardest to remain calm.

“I know you artists like to be tormented, but trust me,” you said as you stood up, with him following you suit. “What you are implying would result in more of a torment than you could take.”

“It doesn’t have to be—”

“Perhaps it does not but it would be,” you insisted, the burning in your eyes getting even worse but you quickly blinked back the tears. “I’d make sure of that.”

He let out a breath, his gaze locked in yours and he took a step towards you but you stepped back as soon as he did, glaring up at him.

“Don’t make me rip your heart out Benedict,” you forced the words through your teeth, trying your hardest to ignore the pain in your chest. “I will if I have to, so please do not make me.”

The hurt in his eyes was so clear that you could feel the lump growing bigger and bigger in your throat and you walked past him, desperate to get away from his sight before he could see the tears blurring your vision. You pushed open the door and made your way down the stairs before you reached the bottom of them and turned a corner to lean back to the wall, a sob climbing up your chest. You pressed your palms to your eyes as if that could help you with tears and tried to fix your shaky breathing.

It was the right thing to do. You couldn’t even—

You wouldn’t even entertain the thought.

You wiped at your eyes, trying to pull yourself together.

“You’re alright,” you muttered, pushing yourself off the wall. “You’re alright, don’t be foolish.”

You took a shaky breath, fixed your dress, then threw your shoulders back and made your way back to the auditorium.

Chapter 8 

[brb-on-a-quest]

What does the Doctor Keep in his pockets?

Context: Damian has fallen through the Doctor's pockets after an attempt was made to grab the sonic screwdriver to play with Alfred the Cat. Unfortunately, the Doctor's trenchcoat pockets are deeper than they look and Damian falls inside and right into a warzone of Daleks and Cybermen. (all of this will be added at some point to a later post, I just need to post this now so I can not think about it for a hot minute)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Only cowards run. A young man in a red and green suit held a sword in a defensive stance. Damian Al Ghul-Wayne is no coward.

“Dami! What are you doing?” 

Damian jumped as he started slashing through the overgrown moving pieces of iron with his upgraded sabre that he had forged from some materials in the trenchcoat pockets. It cut through easily, like a lightsaber in a Star Wars comic book. 

“Ex-term-in-ate-” 

These tin cans were no match for a small eleven-year-old that runs on spite and red bull. 

“I’m trying to save your life here. The least you could do is cooperate.” 

“As you can see, I am more than in my element here, Doctor.” 

What kind of name was Doctor anyway? It seemed senseless. So far, the only thing he’d done was create more problems and wave a sonic screwdriver (whatever that was), and he didn’t seem to have a PhD. 

“You’re not tho-” There was a clashing and cleaning behind him; Damian turned around just long enough to see one of the tin cans spinning into another three. “Damian, you’re underestimating them.” 

“You haven’t given us a straight answer once since we came here.”  Damian said. “Give me one good reason why I should trust you.”

“Your father and grandfather trust me.” The Doctor replied. “Is that not enough for you? They traveled with me throughout the ends of the universe, and still, they came home safe and sound.” Damian gripped his sword harder, jumping towards the Doctor. “You’ll want to duck.”

The Doctor dutifully rolled out of the way as Dami crashed into another tin can, decapitating its eye before it had a chance to fire an electrical shock.

“See? They’re gone.” Damian refrained from adding under his breath No thanks to you. 

“For now. Til the simulation resets.” the doctor shrugged. “I came to grab you. You’re still in my pocket.”

Damian huffed. They were standing in Gotham plaza. Rulli’s was right across the street, the Batburger was around the corner, and Red Robin right behind him. The ground felt solid underneath his feet. This wasn’t a simulation. 

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw them again. He muttered curses under his breath. 

“Look up.”  Trenchcoat behind him said. 

Used to following orders, Damian allowed his eyes to flash upward for one second to see a banner he hadn’t noticed before: “Round 3. Record score: 213300/500000 EXP” 

The hell is that supposed to be?

“You’re in my pocket dimension, Damian. Quite literally, you haven’t left my pocket. I came to grab you, but if you’re having too much fun fighting daleks, well, I won’t stop you. Looks like you’re having fun.”

“How long have I been here?” Damian suddenly crouched to avoid two incoming shots from the Daleks.

“Couldn’t tell you. Time passes differently here than in the proper universe.”  Doctor shrugged. “Besides, what is time besides a human concept to measure moment-to-moment-”

“I don’t need a philosophy lesson right now!” Damian shouted. “You could help me out with this, you know.”  The new guy was worse than Dick at this sometimes. 

“Nope. They can’t hurt me. I’m a simulation too. Just like them. Except I’m programmed to help you get out.” Damian’s glowing sword cut decommissioned two more Daleks, and then he thought he saw numbers rising from the corner of his eye. 2000?  1500?  

“That’s the amount of experience points you’re getting, Damian.” The doctor grinned. “Kill enough Daleks and you get to level up.” 

Then Damian noticed that every time the sword struck against the metal, a long red bar would decrease in size, first by halves, and then by smaller increments. 

“What is this.” 

“I told you. It’s a game.” The Doctor’s voice came from behind him. And Tag, your It.” 

Damian turned around to yell at the Doctor when he felt something hit him from behind. As he vibrated and writhed with pain, collapsing to the ground, he heard the sound of glass. 

“That’ll be your heart containers, Damian. Might want to make sure those don’t break. You know each level gets harder than the rest. The Daleks get stronger. Faster. Better.” 

As soon as Damian got control of his arms back, he swung just in time to reflect one of the dalek’s blows back harmlessly away from himself. Unfortunately, it didn’t hit the Dalek, but all things considered, it looked cool. 

“If I level up. Will you get me out of here?” 

“You could just quit. I can take you out now.” Only cowards quit. Damian grimaced. He was not a coward. 

He did wish he had paid slightly more attention to when his brothers were gaming instead of training. Perhaps there were many different kinds of training. 

Round 4 was not difficult. Not only were there Daleks, but they also brought friends that exploded if you came too close to them. This ended up working not to their advantage when Damian found a way to set it off in their vicinity but outside of their range

Round 5 was worse. Another heart container shattered, leaving Damian with two left. He had been facing against two kinds of enemies. Dalek and an enemy that seemed to hate Daleks, but it also wasn’t sentient enough to be friends with him either. But this thing had some kind of tracking aim, so any projectiles would be coming right at Damian no matter where he could run. He could only try to put in some amount of distance between them before they exploded.

Round six got a bigger, translucent banner popdown. LEVEL UP! Please allocate your stats points.

What.

The name at the heading was “Damian Al Ghul-Wayne, 5th Robin of his name, prince of darkness--” the titles carried on past the spacing of the header would allow. 

Underneath, there were six boxes, numbers sandwiched by a plus or minus sign. 

Strength: 7, Constitution: 9, Dexterity: 9 I ntellect: 6, Wisdom: 5, Charisma: 4

“What happens if I change the numbers?” Damian asked the Doctor, using the moment of peace to turn to face him.

“Do it and find out.” Damian only received a shrug. “Will warn you, the effects after you hit the ‘submit’ button are permanent.”

“How do I leave the simulation?” Damian sheathed his makeshift sword letting his arm rest.

“Well, you have to leave the pocket.” The Doctor stood up and started walking towards him. “Which means you have to keep playing the game.” 

Damian exhaled and turned back to the popup. This is ridiculous. These numbers are perfectly arbitrary; what does a 4 in Charisma even mean?

He squared back his shoulders. Whatever these numbers signified, they must have affected the game somewhat. Well, Charisma has not been helpful to this encounter, so not that one. Besides, I’d probably just turn out more like Richard. The thought wasn’t that unpleasant to him, but in the interest of exiting the pocket dimension as soon as possible-.

Jason was strong. Damian idly started pressing the plus button to see how high it would go. A seven turned to fifteen, and it wouldn’t let him toggle any of the other numbers until he returned it to its original state. 

As the strength numbers increased, so did his muscles tighten and grow before they were almost bursting out of the suit. Interesting. 

Dexterity could be a good one as well- he would be able to match Richard in his flamboyant acrobatics stunts. But why were his intellect and wisdom so low? Damian was top of his class in school, he didn’t deserve a 6 and a 5 respectively. 

Damian just took one of each of the traits that interested him (constitution seemed boring and high enough anyway) and having two left, he added one to strength and wisdom each. 

Strength: 9, Constitution: 9, Dexterity: 10, Intellect: 7, Wisdom: 7, Charisma: 4

Damian felt his muscles increase again - although not to the same extent as before. However, he also felt sparks fly off in his brain when he increased his intellect and wisdom scores. This is…strange to say the least. 

Then part of him realized how funny it would be if he could stay like this in the real world outside the pocket dimension. He debated splurging all six of his points to get charisma up to 10 to unnerve the rest of his siblings. I still need to get out of here though. 

“I imagine the levels will only increase in difficulty rank from here?” 

“But of course. Same as with any game.” The Doctor replied. 

“But there should be a way to force quit.” Damian followed up. 

“You could- but where’s the fun in that?” The doctor grinned leaving Damian to simply tsk in disapproval. 

He clicked the submit button before realizing that he had only put all of his skill points in Charisma, making the final scores

Strength: 7, Constitution: 9, Dexterity: 9, Intellect: 6, Wisdom: 5, Charisma: 10

Damian growled. I didn’t mean that- but the popup vanished as quickly as it came. Great.

The floods of enemies did indeed increase in great number and in variety. Some of them were easy to deal with, but as expected his Charisma boost was only a dead weight. 

“You’re not thinking outside the box enough, Damian!” The Doctor shouted from somewhere behind a barrel. “I believe in you; If Bruce could do it, than so could you.” Father did this as well? Damian didn’t really have time to process this information.d

Then it hit him. What’s Tim saying? The enemy of my enemy is my friend? He could turn them all against each other. Gaslight. Gatekeep. And Girlboss. 

“HEY. Metal Trashcans.” Damian shouted. “I am not the one constantly shooting at you. People who shoot at you are your enemy. Therefore , I am not your enemy and you should be fighting the Metal Men.” 

Ex-Term-In-Ate. The metal trashcans screamed and turned around, allowing Damian space to breathe in an old tower as things began fighting each other. 

I can not believe that worked. 

Damian came to the realization that if bamboozling them had worked, he then could then stealth behind them and just convince them to attack each other. 

“Did you know that the big metal men are trying to quote unquote upgrade you?” He whispered behind the ranks of the Daleks. “Do you really think they’re going to stop at just the human race? There will be consequences-.”

As the Daleks began to turn and panic, Damian had moved out of sight as the Daleks approached their new enemy. “I am the superior being. Take out the metal trashcans first.” Damian whispered to one cyberman and then disappeared as the hunk of metal turned to look at the voice. 

Tim was right, Damian reflected. Psychological warfare was fun sometimes. Perhaps 

What if he could also use this to leave. He crept around the simulation grounds until he was next to where the Doctor was perched, crunching away on an apple. 

“I wanna go home, Doctor.” Damian leaned his head against the older man’s arm, like he did to Richard when he craved attention. “I miss my family and I’m tired-”

“I can see through you. Your right eye twitches when you lie. Same as your old man.” The Doctor sighed. “Besides, it’s your fault for messing in with my pockets and falling in.” 

“I just wanted to use your sonic screwdriver to play with Alfred.” Damian looked up as his lower lip trembled slightly. 

The Doctor furrowed his brow slightly as he looked down in Damian’s face. “Somehow I don’t think Alfie’s going to approve of a glorified laser pointer as a pet.”

“No. Not Alfred the Butler. Alfred the cat.” 

“Alfred can turn into a cat?” The doctor stood up suddenly, accidentally shoving Damian aside. “This I have to see.” 

Damian wasn’t going to correct this assumption until they got home. The Doctor grabbed his hand and pulled out a different glowing gadget- how many did one man need?

Then the simulation faded into Darkness and Damian saw a bunch of stars zooming past him until it turned into soft darkness before he was in the Wayne Manor theater with everyone looking at him.

“Did you have fun?” Father was looking at him with a bemused smile for a second behind a mug. 

Damian blinked. “You’re strange . But you’re interesting.” 

The Doctor laughed. “He did better than you did, Bruce, you should have seen him rizz up robots like it was nothing-” The Doctor stopped as he laid eyes on Alfred. “Alfie, how have I been roommates with you for multiple centuries and I have not seen you turn into a cat once .” 

Alfred looked towards Damian who just shrugged. “I believe there’s been a miscommunication, Doctor-” 

Damian slipped out to go check out the TARDIS while the adults were all distracted. There was still time. There was all the time in the world. 

---------------------------------------------

tagging @walkthruthewords and @igotthisaccountunderduress

Also I post on Ao3 as brb_on_a_quest! You'll see repeats of all of these fics posted here but hopefully some more original content if I can get more of my editing act together. :P

[trashboatprince]

SO!

The Star Beast!

Let's talk about it!

(Major spoilers under the cut)

-First off, I fucking love Fourteen, absolutely a delight, I wanna hug them (Okay, technically I HAVE hugged them when I got to hug David at the con this year, but still!). Also, 'male-presenting Time Lord', bah! Still gonna use they/them when I refer to them because please just let me have this, I don't care, the Doctor canonically doesn't give two shits about gender and even refers to going by the article Doctor over a pronoun in this special anyway.

-Second, DONNA! OH DONNA! I love her, I love her so much, just- oh, she hasn't changed a damn bit! Including missing the fucking alien spacecraft because that was exactly what I expected from her. <3

-Also, most supportive mom, love that.

-Rose~! Oh, oh Rose, how I love you! No notes, she's amazing! It did hurt to hear her dead name being used, but considering that it was done by a bunch of dickheaded kids, it makes sense. But we will never use that name for her here, nope, she's just Rose. <3

-Shaun is a delight, Donna got herself the most excellent of malewives ever

-Sylvia, ah, exactly as I expected, though she is trying to be better for her daughter and granddaughter, so points to her.

-Meep! So much to say on the meep but I'll keep it brief: transphobic little shit.

-UNIT is always fun to see, but how well known are they nowadays because the BBC report actually referred to them. I dunno, I've still working my way through the Third Doctor's era where UNIT was a major plot point and I haven't... finished watching Thirteen's era yet (only because I want to watch it with my gf the next time we see each other).

-Fourteen interacting with the Noble family was great, especially with them trying to see the Meep and Sylvia panicking and wow, this face cannot escape being slapped I wonder if Donna will get to do one herself.

-The action stuff is so much fun, exactly what I expect from this series.

-Being on the Meep's ship, the fact that Donna went to help the Doctor and just... oh, oh, them freaking out and crying because they were scared she'd die when she remembered. I started sobbing.

-Hell, I was crying when they held her in their arms and said he didn't care if the grunts shot them... uuuuhhhhhggggg... Fourteen cares about her so much! That's his best friend!

-Rose! Rose and Donna, Time Ladies! Lord, Lady, and neither! Don't care what anyone says, I loved this. I didn't voice it, but I had a very strong feeling that Rose would inherit the DoctorDonna.

-Was a little confused about them 'letting go' but... yeah, alright, okay. Still, I wonder if there is still a bit of Time Lord left in them.

-Is there any chance that they can sell Rose's plushies. I really want the Ood one.

-THE TARDIS!

-Oooooh, she's beautiful and big and very classic and yet so very nuwho at the same time, a perfect blend, and just so gorgeous! And Fourteen freaking out in excitement, running around like a child, being so happy about a coffee maker in the TARDIS! <3<3<3

-And Donna's reaction! She was so happy too!

-But then the 'killed me' scene... oh, oh honey, you've been holding onto that for centuries, those memories and the guilt. It's honestly heartbreaking to know that the Doctor, through all their new faces, still held onto those feelings about what happened to Donna.

-I'm excited, don't know what the fuck is gonna happen in the next episode since we didn't get a preview and I think it's the least known of the episodes so far.

-I saved this for last, but I wanna talk about the sonic screwdriver cause I know some people are gonna be all 'oh, it's too OP!'

First off, the sonic has always been, it always will be, it's a fucking sci-fi tool, sci-fi series always have some sort of tool that does everything.

Second, whatever the hell it did to make the shields was awesome, that's such a cool trick and I love it. I bet it's done using sound and light waves, which makes for a very interesting concept and something I'd love to explore in one of my sci-fi aus. Not sure how it made that cool schematics things, but whatever.

Also, leave me alone! I love the new sonic! I need to get my hands on one, but they're always sold out or too expensive!

(Okay, not really last, just a bonus, but damn, no offense to Ten, but Fourteen is a bit more attractive to me. I dunno, I mean, I was crushing hard on the DT at 15, but at 31, it's like, oh. Oh no. He's aged so well, he's so pretty. This is probably Crowley's fault.)

[fictionfixations]

saving for general lilia

Spoilers for book 5. i talk about it

was reading the remaining vignettes i have that i never got to to earn as many gems for lilia's banner (im assuming it'll be at least after or on the 6th? cause that's epel's birthday iirc and based on how it was ordered in the 'whats happening in may' thing, that means he and the book 7 update are probably after epel. either after epel or at the same time as epel.)

i dont have that many vignettes so ill probably end up using the few thaumarks i have (i keep running out of thaumarks sob. i have the thing that gives EXP and the vignette exp in dozens but thaumarks are just like 'nahh') to get a bunch of characters' vignette levels up so i can read their vignettes too

and probably do the remaining twistunes i havent. which i havent really done the white rabbit fest twistunes so thats that

and then figuring out which study partner is the closest to finishing all tasks so i can get those gems too

oh and missions too ig which i know theres one for leveling characters to [] and groovifying. because thats what i did when i was trying to get another card. which i regret because it. wasnt even a favorite. but id already committed because i wasnt gonna get those pulls back so i just. kept going.

id probably have so many more pulls if i just. didnt do that.

fhsudifhs

so anyway

(Floyd Labwear) look at him he looks so cute all happy like that

(Silver Labwear) Kalim??? this is not to say that i think kalim has something that makes him sleepy like silver. but i like to be a believer that kalims smarter than he appears to be (but he also has a certain worldview that makes him seem oblivious or dumb. he likes to see the silver lining. but he was also the one in book five to notice vil was going to do something (aka poison neige), because he 'saw a look on vil's face that reminded him of jamil back when...' and im running with that). and ive seen a headcanon of Kalim having dyslexia but nobody really noticed so he always just kinda felt like he was dumb for not getting it when it wasnt his fault. which. i am also running with that. i mean it could totally be because its just this huge block of text thats boring just trying to read it. but still.

oh silver... (dont think about it. they literally thought epel was a spoiled rich boy in like his own labwear vignette i think, just because of how he looks. i wouldnt put much stock in peoples opinions.)

i kind of wonder how silver became a guard or whatever (or will be one. cant remember which it was) for malleus if they can hit at any time. but also malleus doesnt actually need to be protected, so like...

noo precious :(((( (silver. i have something to tell you. doctors can be wrong. and there can also be things that doctors have never discovered.)

his eyes are so prettyyy

anyway im not having high hopes of getting him. (im also gonna get like the key from the. the. the. shop. i dont remember which shop it was but im getting the points to also get that. so thats 40 pulls. and then. then then. i f orgot what a one pull is. uh its 30 i think. so so 48 pulls. ...thats not too many. and im going to pray i get lucky. and if i dont, well tough luck theres no way im gonna muster up 52 pulls out of thin air.)

[besiegedhunter]

I looked at Red Project's Combat Experience which is 9 years and if this documented that means Kal'tsit knew Red before establishment of RI? Or do you think Grandma made Red do some jobs here and there in "civilization" and Kal'tsit found her doing it?

Oh that's a can of worms you just opened up with that.

But on that I'm going to wager a guess that they hadn't met before the founding of Rhodes because iirc Red mentions in her module that their deal was that she would take shelter at Rhodes specifically/doesn't make any mention of staying anywhere before hand of any shift in Rhodes.

But it does make me wonder about what exactly it's tracking. For instance: I was looking at Nearl's combat experience because there's a three year gap between her base and her alt, despite the fact that I think there's only half a year's difference between Chernobog where the Doctor meeting her and Near Light.

So I looked at that and now, I don't have all my workings out with me but I believe I came to the conclusion that you can basically date Nearl's timeline of events through it.

July 1097 - Nearl Light (8 years combat experience)

December 1096 - Chernobog (Still 8)

1094 - Founding of Rhodes (and 5 years combat experience like base)

1091 - Nearl becoming champion and her exile (two years combat exp left out so that's likely how long she'd been a knight)

I think that's all correct?

But another thing of note is that we know from I believe her Alt's module that she was training when her parents left on their mission and in Near Light Mlynar says they've been gone for 15 years.

That's seven years before Nearl became a knight assumedly but seven years she was training meaning that's not taken into account.

Which, I mention all of this for a few reasons:

Red's 9 years is before her Alter, which could have up to and more than three years added onto it

Those 9 years may be from before she joined, meaning there could be three years from her joining and meeting the Doctor adding onto it

If the logic carries over then those nine (possibly more) years aren't taking her training by Grandma into account/not all of it, she did see active fighting during this time per her module

But point is: Red's actually ridiculously experienced.

But also the real point is that I don't think it's taking her time in Rhodes into account, unless her becoming an operator is separated from her joining S.W.E.E.P (which I believe her promotional record, saying she predates it goes against). And if it doesn't count her being trained then that's nine years after Grandma let her go.

Now personally I smell her files specifically involving information that no one should know because I doubt her nor Grandma knew when her birthday is, so unless it's when Kal found Red that's the writers putting in information they know but the characters shouldn't.

And I suppose, though Fangs do seem to prefer the wilderness and likely are like Red where they have little knowledge of society, that it would make some sense that Red's probable Fang kills happened somewhere someone could find and then report them. So it's the most likely option that that's how they got it.

Because I don't think Red would have any knowledge of how much time has passed or logically seen any year and memorized it to know either. Not unless she stole her coat at the beginning and it could be dated, which I'd be amazed if it's the reason.

So yeah, I think nine years ago Kal'tsit was deep in her duties with Kazdel to have met Red, seeing how she couldn't take in Crownslayer or Passenger due to the same reasons and she at least made sure they had somewhere before she left them, where there's no implications she did that with Red.

And I think it's mentioned that no one knows her history, which I feel implies that they have looked into it, such as how they looked into Lappland's history, so finding evidence of her or dating her objects is possibly the most probable?

I'd be shocked if Red was keeping track of time, specially when Grandma forwent teaching her so much things and Red refused to learn herself.

Mayhaps we'll find out one day though (I hope we do) (I hope we learn lots about Red's history)

[figula]

Cham Read A Real Book

titling this post bc it's of monumental significance

(not really but it has legit been about 10y or more since i read a book cover to cover. i used to be a serious reader in my teens but at some point i lost the ability to lose myself in anything, and now books intimidate me + i avoid them)

me and benno finished this is how you lose the time war! we read it out loud in bed together, taking it in turns. it's mostly epistolatory so we each read one of the two protags parts. this is ben's favourite book. (or one of them. idk if it's his top fave)

i did like it in the end! i liked the romance! i liked the yearning and pining etc. i liked garden + commandant. it was an odd read. the style of writing bugged me a bit at the beginning but i did mostly get used to it by the end. it still isn't my favourite tho - it is still too florid for me to become fully embedded into my brain. ftr: i would say cormac mccarthy has my heart in terms of style. this paragraph i reread over and over again:

And they are dancing, the board floor slamming under the jackboots and the fiddlers grinning hideously over their canted pieces. Towering over them all is the judge and he is naked dancing, his small feet lively and quick and now in doubletime and bowing to the ladies, huge and pale and hairless, like an enormous infant. He never sleeps, he says. He says he’ll never die. He bows to the fiddlers and sashays backwards and throws back his head and laughs deep in his throat and he is a great favorite, the judge. He wafts his hat and the lunar dome of his skull passes palely under the lamps and he swings about and takes possession of one of the fiddles and he pirouettes and makes a pass, two passes, dancing and fiddling at once. His feet are light and nimble. He never sleeps. He says that he will never die. He dances in light and in shadow and he is a great favorite. He never sleeps, the judge. He is dancing, dancing. He says that he will never die.

none of this book can touch that in terms of pure excellence imo. the words are so simple but they are so perfect. time war relies a bit too much on metaphor + simile for me to want to eat this book

some parts reminded of my doctor who (a lot of it actually tbf - the two time agents, almost gods, looking human but not being one - different from the rest of their species, bound together through strangeness + time) - a few parts reminded me of V for Vendetta (mostly the very last bit in teh jail lol). a lot reminded me of a lot of fanfiction ive read. (this isn't a compliment or an insult! just - it did)

i really liked some of it as well tho. this post reads quite negative but i actually did like it a lot lol - i also liked the exp of reading it with ben. some of the turns of phrase were lovely

[dzthenerd490]

Department of Transportation and Machinery

Description: The Foundation is comprised of the best scientists, engineers, soldiers, doctors, magicians, and reality warpers the world has to offer. However, they can't be expected to do everything on their own, sometimes the right tool is needed for the right mission, hence why the DTM exists. the DTM is comprised of the top engineers of the Foundation to make the vehicles and machines more advanced and protected than anything else in the world. Its thanks to the DTM that the Foundation stands as the strongest organization within the Anomalous Correction and Protection Alliance.

Vehicles:

SB-1 "Turtle" - armored spaceship existing for the soul reason of transportation resources throughout the solar system. Normally have no defensive capabilities but normally don't need them given their sole mission of transportation.

MHR-3 "Pufferfish" - A spaceship used for both transportation as well as portable lab for the space division of the Foundation. Typically used to capture asteroids with anomalous or seemingly anomalous properties. The lab within the "Pufferfish" allows scientists within the ship to analysis the meteor and better determine which world and by extension which Site to send it too.

ISLJ-7 "Hawks" - Jets capable of space travel, equipped with interstellar clocking armor plating and a miniature artificial sun generator allowing maximum stealth and speed of Mach 15. Current models lack military weaponry as their only uses was for Mobile Task Force Artemis-2: Star Chasers to find the Unknown Species of Interest that killed off SCP-AHT. Only used now as quick space reconnaissance.

ISSJ-4 “Crows” - space ships with the same appearance as jets but larger and capable of space travel. Equipped with the typical cloaking technology to prevent space organizations like NASA or civilians with telescopes to find them. Armed with two electromagnetic railguns made specifically to cause no recoil to the ISSJ-4 while also ensuring direct line of fire even in the void of space. Additionally, equipped with 20 missiles armed with EMDF cores to allow them to bypass forcefields and electrical attacks and programed with Level 1 A.I. guiding system allowing them more precise accuracy when finding the target. Considered the common fleet ship of MTF Apllo-1 and Foundation space security.

GBSWD-53 “Black Hole” A massive spaceship the length of 4 kilometers and the width of 1 kilometer making it the largest ship model within the Foundation. Normally armed with anywhere between 200-400 laser cannons, 2-16 LSR cannons, and 1-4 PSR cannons. Armored with five layers of armor plating, some of the best satellite communications, and as always interstellar clocking to prevent NASA and other space observation organizations or even people form seeing them. 

MFWF-13 "Mammoth" - a truck the same size as a fire engine, with four defensive laser rifle turrets on the sides of the vehicle, two for each side. There are three turret slots on the top which can fit any turret class weapon. Reinforced with three different plating of armor temperature nullification, explosive absorption, and energy absorption. Lastly the interior is laced with an anomalous metal that acts as a Nexus point meaning its much bigger on the inside allowing at least 150 people comfortably, an additional 50 when comfort is disregarded.

RRHV-3 “Moth” - Planet bound transportation, quite similar to the SB-1 “turtle”. Used to rapidly transport resources and Foundation staff so that when time is of the essence. Is equipped with silencer thrusters, cloaking armor, and decoy flairs.

RFDJ-5 “Vulture” - A jet capable of space travel, one of the fastest warfare space jets in the Foundation. Typically used to destroy meteors that are too close to earth as well as take out hostile space faring Species of Interest. normally equipped with interstellar cloaking armor and armed with two laser cannons as well as homing plasma missiles, capable of both flying and exploding within the void of space. Typically sticks close to the earth but can be utilized as MTF Apollo-1 reinforcements should a situation get desperate. 

ISJ-3 “Stingray” - A seemingly normal Jet that is actually able to cloak making itself invisible physically and via radar. Normally equipped with four missiles and two machine guns that have AP rounds, E rounds, I rounds, N rounds, even T rounds. As such is typically used by MTF Eta-5 for Large Scale Anomalies.

SFH-2 ″Raven” - Seemingly normal Helicopter that is capable of flying 350 miles per hour but in appearance is no different to a UH-60 Black Hawk used in the US military. As such not only is it capable of fast speed but also capable of transporting a maximum of 12 people, 16 if comfort is disregarded, and is able to be modified to have missile launchers, miniguns, and turret weapons. 

SATACH-3 "Eagle" - Similar in design to a Boeing CH-47 Chinook, not as fast as a “Raven” being only capable of going 175 miles per hour but is capable of transporting 18 people, 26 if comfort is disregarded. Used to transport entire MTF squads as well as the resources and weapons they have with them. Ensuring that they can land in the designated area with all units and assets available. 

HAT-21 “Bear” - A limited use tank whose armor is visible thicker than the average tank, said armor is made with two layers of Plumanium with a thin layer of Insolubilis-chartaium in the middle. Has a single cannon but four automatic turrets guided by Level 1 A.I., each turret is placed on a corner of the tank to ensure maximum protection and leave zero chances of ambush. Only ever deployed against LSA threats. 

HTAT-20 “Cerberus” - A Foundation tank reinforced with a thin layer of Plumanium armor. Armed with three railguns each is able to move independently and if allowed to by the controller can be guided by Level 1 A.I. for precision targeting. Outfited with a cybernetic engine on the back of it capable of generating a magnetic field preventing physical and explosive projectiles form damaging the tank. However, the field is weak against energy and electromagnetic railgun rounds. Only ever deployed against LSA threats. 

LSFSB-29 "Sanctuary" - Another dreadnaught class ship that’s the same size as the GBSWD-53 “Black Hole”. Has anywhere between 200-300 laser cannons and 4-20 LSR cannons thought these weapons are for defensive purposes only. These ships are meant to act as large bases within space for Foundation staff that reside in space and off earth. Each one has an artificial environment that provide both livestock, fruits, and vegetables, as well as artificial farms for mass production, a hospital with plenty of staff, several simulation rooms for entertainment and great communication. The purpose of every LSFSB-29 "Sanctuary" is to both ensure comfort and survival to humanity. Should the earth ever fall, these ships are to act as arks to get humanity and all life, off the planet. 

Mech Suits: 

LRMSD-4 “Polar Bear” - Armor class mecha completely covering the user in armor. Armor plating and mechanical structure is made of Plumanium. Legs are outfitted with hidden thrusters capable of reaching 70 miles per hour. The arms are armed with reinforced knuckle braces for melee combat and machine guns on the side of the arms for ranged combat. On the shoulders of the suit are hidden missile launches each one can hold eight missiles on their own. The internal structure of the suit is designed to have its own filtration system to ensure the user never inhales toxic or anomalous gasses. 

Other Machines:

spy drones - Common drones utilized by the Foundation. Come in both short ranged and long ranged models. Thought short ranged are the easiest to manufacture and utilize and therefore more common within the Foundation.

SMFE-21 "Piranha" - Underwater drone used to harvest resources that would otherwise be impossible to harvest. Typically has a drill made of [data expunged] allowing it to drill past the toughest of armors without causing any damage. Used to harvest resources that would otherwise be impossible and dangerous to harvest underwater.

ADD-7 "Wasps" - Actually a collaboration between the DTM and the DTASMW, created back in 2005 but officially perfected in 2008. These drones are able to detect anomalies from the air and from a distance ensuring that no anomaly can escape the sight of the foundation. Comes in different models that allow them to focus on different anomalies. It is currently impossible to make an ADD-7 "Wasp" that can detect different anomaly types.

SSQRLSD-32 “Butterfly” - A large space capable drone created back in 1967 and finally perfected in 1972. A drone that is as large as the average satellite and works like a satellite as well. Used by Foundation staff in space to detect and monitor meteors coming to earth, Invading Species of Interest, and abnormalities within our solar system. 

SEHAECD-41 “Jellyfish” - As the nicknames implies the drone looks quite similar to jellyfish. Is mainly used to cultivate and safely harvest variant samples of SCP-AFD-4 throughout space. Though of course can also be used to harvest and collect space samples such as meteorites containing ice and various metals.

ASDTD-23 "Mosquito Swarm" - The proudest accomplishment of the DTM. A collaboration between the engineers of the SCP Foundation, the Horizon Initiative, the Global Occult Coalition, the Eight Wings of Mekhane, and the Church of Maxwellism. Controlled and utilized by the A.I. that make up Mobile Task Force Artemis-1. Equipped with Incineration spread lasers, Miniature dimension alteration engine, Satellite Guiding system, Gravity Manipulation Acceleration Wings, and Nanobot Regenerative Armor, making them the ultimate killing machines. The soul reason for ASDTD-23 "Mosquito Swarm" existence is to suppress SCP-AXA and the Sarkic Cultists that utilize its instances.

.

Involved With: 

SCP-AGQ

.

SCP: HMF - Departments and Divisions Hub

[coolunspokenforname]

Stardew Valley AU-Technoblade heart events

(None of this is meant to be seen as romantic. In this au there are no marriage candidates.)

Technoblade lives in the area above the town (where Robin’s shop is in game). He tends to stay away from the town, but on rainy days he can be found either at the museum reading or sitting on the docks by the ocean. He also visits Squidkid’s bar on Sundays.

Any hearts

The first time the player passes out (anywhere except their own farm) when the screen fades back in they are at the doctor’s with Technoblade standing beside them. 

Technoblade: I found you passed out and brought you here.

Player: - *silent* (no friendship points)

            - Thank you for helping (no friendship points)

            - I didn’t need your help! (no friendship points, Technoblade replies with “Sure”)

Tecnhoblade: Well, I gotta go. Maybe try being a bit more careful next time.

   Technoblade then leaves the doctor’s.

Two hearts

 After gaining two hearts with Technoblade arrive at the bar between 6 pm and 10 pm. When the cutscene begins Technoblade and Squidkid are talking at the bar.

Squidkid: I bet I could grow twice as many potatoes as you can.

Technoblade: Ha! Right.

Squidkid: I’ll beat you into the ground.

Technoblade: You think so? You’re on.

   The two turn around and notice you.

Squidkid: New farmer, who do you think is gonna win?

Player: - I think Technoblade will win (+30 friendship points, Techno replies “Thanks for the encouragement.”)

            - Squidkid will definitely get the most potatoes (-10 friendship points, Techno replies “Ouch, thanks for the honesty, I guess.

            - I don’t know, I think that both of you have a good chance (+15 friendship points to both.)

Technoblade: Well, may the best farmer win

   After this both the area beside the bar and around Technoblade’s house will be filled with growing potatoes, no matter the season except winter. When the bar is not open Squidkid will be tending to his potatoes, and during the day Technoblade will be tending to his.

Four hearts

Entering the area below the farm where the ranch is will trigger this cutscene if you have 4+ hearts with Technoblade. You must also have received a sword from Dream. The player approaches Technoblade, who is training. Technoblade turns to the player.

Technoblade: Oh, hey *name*, I heard that Dream gave you a sword. How have you been doing with it?

Player: - I’m an expert. I bet I could beat you! (Technoblade laughs, “Sure you could. Well, do you want to spar with me? I put up a bit more of a fight than those monsters in the mines.”)

           - I’m still getting the hang of it. It’s a lot harder than I thought. (“Yeah, I remember my first time fighting in the mines. Here, I can give you some tips.”)

   In both instances Technoblade and the player character fight. The player gains 300 exp in combat after the cutscene. 

Six hearts

The player enters Technoblade’s house, where he is thinking. He notices the door open and turns to the player.

Technoblade: Hey *name*, what are you doing over here? I’m not doing much, just wondering if I should take out some of Squid’s plants.

Player: - Do it. If it will make you win, I think you should. (“Wow, *name* I didn’t take you as one for sabotage.”)

            - I don’t think you should. You’ve already got a much better farm than his, so I think it’s a bit unnecessary. (“True,”)

Technoblade: Well, hm, I guess I’m not going to do it. I want to crush him into the dirt honorably, y’know?

   If the player chose the sabotage option, they have the ability to take out potatoes from either farm, but if one of them sees you you lose 1000 friendship points and they don’t speak to you for a week. All heart events other than Technoblade’s ten heart event are now impossible to get.

Eight hearts 

Player going near the adventurer's guild with eight hearts with Technoblade starts the scene. Dream and Technoblade are sparing, and Technoblade wins, knocking Dream to the ground. He then helps him up.

Technoblade: That was six-four.

Dream: I noticed. Trust me, next time I’ll win.

Technoblade: In your dreams.

  The two then notice the player and part ways.

Eight hearts (shared)

After getting eight hearts with both Dream and Technoblade, the player gets a letter in the mail inviting them to the city where Technoblade and Dream are dueling. The player can chose who they are routing for by clicking on a stand. Their choice doesn’t increase or decrease friendship points. The result of the match is random, with sixty percent chance on Technoblade and forty on Dream.

Ten hearts

Only possible with ten hearts with Technoblade and after seeing the two heart cutscene, it triggers when entering the village. The village looks like the fall fair, except no games. There are two tables with piles of potatoes. Eret announces who won.

Technoblade is 100% going to win if you do nothing. stealing thirty potatoes from Technoblade without getting caught will bring it down to 50%, and sixty will guarantee Squidkid’s victory. If you are caught stealing from anybody, the wronged party will tell the audience, and everyone in the village will lose 100 friendship points with the player, except for both Technoblade and Squidkid, who lose 500. 

If the player is caught stealing, even if the person still wins the stealing will be made public. Neither party will be happy with the player, even if the sabotage made them win.

If you still want to help out your fav, gifted potatoes helps, though the numbers increase to fifty and one-hundred. This does not cause the stealing cutscene to happen.

If they win honorably (or the player isn’t caught), the winner will have a trophy in their living area.

I’m still trying to figure out a name for this au so I can tag my posts with it. If anyone had suggestions for a name, please mention them. It’d be really appreciated. 

Also, incase this needs to be said, the heart scenes aren’t supposed to put down the creators mentioned in them. I made the sixty-forty chances on the Dream vs Technoblade duel to reference the Mr. Beast 6-4 duel. I made Technoblade automatically win the potato war because, when winning the og potato war, he was pretty far ahead. I trust that you didn’t assume I was trying to be insulting, but you never know how people may react.

[agreementtale]

Chapter 27: The Great

Taking advantage of the fact that both human and skeleton were distracted with greasy breakfast, Flowey disappeared on the ground.

The last thing he wanted was to leave them alone with him, but after a week of nothing but jokes and not lethal pranks, he had to make a choice.

And there wouldn’t be much more time, if the determined hue of their eyes this morning was any indication.

~*~

Since he woke up on the true lab, Flowey had to make a lot of hard choices.

Abandoning his name or being guilty of all the events his previous life triggered.

Not meeting his father or being held expectant to what he used to be.

Never seeing his mother or being swallowed by her madness.

Give up on trying to help people or being merciless murdered.

Kill and live or hide and survive.

And after many and many failed resets, he had learned his lesson.

For a long time he had chosen to sneak around the cities, to help just enough so he wasn’t caught. To live just near enough to meet people and preach a more pacific way of life, but distant enough to flee at the first threat.

~*~

“Are You Ok?” the concerned voice had cut through his fear like the sharpened bone sword would cut his vines at any moment now.

It hadn’t yet, that had been last timeline, before he was captured and sent to the labs, this time he dodged the attacks in time. This time the guard looked at him with an expression he hadn’t seen in years.

“You Aren’t Dusting Are You?” The monster looked frantic, abandoning the fight instance, concern and guilt making him lower his guard “I Didn’t Lower Your HP That Much” not that Flowey could do anything to harm him, his pellets were too weak to harm a guard’s HP.

But if he lowered his guard, maybe a surprise attack now would dust him and allow Flowey to escape. He couldn’t go back to the labs, he would do anything to not go back at the labs! He thought about taking the easy betrayal kill, but he knew sooner or later he would regret the idea, and go back to his last save file.

“Your Soul” Flowey stopped, his body going colder than the snow below him “What Happened?” he looked at the new guard, really looked for the first time.

He was a skeleton, instead of eyes he had two holes on his hollow head, dim white lights trembling inside his skull. It was nothing he had seen before, it wasn’t nostalgic, it wasn’t relatable, it wasn’t recognizable in any way… But looking at those fearful eyes, something inside coiled at the genuine show of feeling, even if Flowey couldn’t feel it, he was compelled to say something to the monster in front of him “I’m fine”

“NO! YOU–/” He stopped himself and looked back to where he came from “YOU ARE NOT FINE, I CAN’T SENSE YOUR SOUL” Flowey never thought that shouting and whispering could go together, but the skeleton just proved him wrong.

“I don’t have one” There was no sense in lying, not when he could experience a reaction so genuine from a new monster, he was tired of the same faces.

“You Don’t…”

There it was, the moment of realization where every monster sported an horrified face, and gave him either pity or disgust, he wondered which one of the two his reaction would be.

“FEAR NOT” but the skeleton got on one knee, getting near his height, chest puffed with pride, like a real knight “THE GREAT PAPYRUS WILL FIND A WAY TO FIX THIS” and extending his hands he started to heal him.

A guard that was ordered to find him, dead or alive, actually healed him.

And on his magic he could feel, all the kindness and sincerity of his words, not a speck of malice, nor the lingering residue of disinterest of the paid healers, no, this monster wanted to heal him, not because he agreed on a price, but just because he wanted Flowey to be better!

Flowey was capable of healing, he had learned it from his parents. But being healed was so much better…

The feeling… that someone cared… that someone was there for him…

The new monster’s magic spoke more than he could ever describe with a straight face. He would cry, if he still had the ability.

“THE DOCTOR SHOULD KNOW WHAT TO DO” the sentence drowned all the warmth of his chest, or lack of it.

“No, please!” he tried to retreat, startling the monster before him “Not her, anyone but her!” but he was caught on his grip and couldn’t stop trashing “She will cut me open, please!” but he was trapped again, that’s what he got for dropping his guard “Please, don’t let her experiment on me again”

“AGAIN?”

“It’s her fault! I’m like this because of her!”

The lights in his head went out, he was terrifying like that “She… Took Your Soul?”

He wanted to say yes, but he was scared the skeleton could see through his lies, skeletons were powerful monsters, he remembered the stories his mother would tell before he slept.

“She… didn’t build me one”

The silence was palpable.

Neither of them moved.

He wanted to escape of the other’s grip, but it was useless.

His lights were still out.

He didn’t know what to think, and the environment was too charged for him try to say anything without being prompted.

“Cadet!” Came the strong yell, the monster went stiff, getting up abruptly, and Flowey saw himself free, but more trapped than before “What are you doing standing there?!?”

She approached, and he knew that at this distance, if he so much as tried to move she would see him, if he kept completely still the skeleton’s boot gave him the cover he needed.

“FORGIVE ME CAPTAIN!” yelled, body completely stiff “I WAS LOOKING FOR THE FUGITIVE”

“And did you find him?”

“I” that was the moment they sent him to the doctor “COULDN’T FIND A SOUL, CAPTAIN” was… was he covering for him?

She shouted aggressively, hitting the trees behind with spears “What are you waiting here for?! Move!”

“YES CAPTAIN!” he made a symbol with his finger… ‘up’, Flowey climbed his boot. Hiding inside.

~*~

The first person to try to help without knowing him… The first person to still treat him as a monster once he found out he didn’t have a soul.

This memory had been lost in time, many, many resets ago…

Papyrus didn’t need to remember that. No one need to know that. He escaped the lab before the scientist could know of his existence, made a point to avoid Undyne this timeline, and was sure that this timeline neither Papyrus or Sans had the chance of using the blue magic directly on him, and finding out his secret…

This timeline he did everything right… he tried, he really tried to make a difference… but it always got to the same point…

~*~

“But... Papyrus... You are my only friend...”

The lieutenant sighed, not looking at him “YOU ARE MY FRIEND TOO, FLOWEY, Just Not In Public, Ok?”

“But…” no matter what he did, it always came to this.

“NOT IN PUBLIC! I CAN’T BE SEEN HANGING OUT WITH A FREE-EXP!”

He took a brief moment to think, was there anything he hadn’t tried to say? “... No one is going to hurt you for it” he was sure he hadn’t said that one yet, but it seemed to be the wrong choice either way.

“ARE YOU SUGGESTING I AM SCARED?” He was scared of be seen as weak, of becoming a target, everyone in the underground was, and everyone would kill before admitting that.

“I can protect us!” but Flowey had to try.

“HA! YOU SHOULD GIVE MY BROTHER SOME LESSONS ON HUMOR!”

“It’s true!” He didn’t want to lose his best friend.

“YOU CAN’T.”

“I can! I can tell what is going to happen and–/”

“AND I WILL HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. OR WILL YOU RETHINK YOUR FOOLISH IDEA OF MERCY?” He didn’t understand, Papyrus didn’t understand what he was asking.

“But no one has to die! If monsters can just–/”

“WOULD YOU KILL FOR ME FLOWEY?” He just didn’t understand… He had killed, and then he hadn’t.

“...” He always reseted after killing, it was just wrong, even Papyrus agreed that if something like this could be avoided, it should be.

“WOULD YOU KILL SOMEONE IF I ASKED YOU TO? IF I NEED YOU TO?” But he was insistent.

“I... could avoid us having to kill them...”

He gave an empty laugh, and Flowey knew he had lost him again.

Like all those other timelines.

“It’s Funny, Because Until Now I Would Kill Almost Anyone For You” Papyrus got up from the rock and walked slowly before turning to him “SEE WHO IS A TRUE FRIEND, AND WHO IS A FILTHY LIAR!”

“Wait, Papyrus!” He tried to follow when the skeleton started to walk, but a bone attack materialized in front of him

“IN THIS WORLD IS KILL OR BE KILLED, FLOWEY! I DON’T WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN UNTIL YOU’VE LEARNED THAT, AND IF YOU STILL HAVEN’T, I WILL MAKE SURE YOU UNDERSTAND!” he threw a wave of bones in front of him, uncomfortably close, and disappeared on the snowy path.

So this time instead of resetting a few days and trying again, like he did so many times he could swear an entire year had passed. This time Flowey left his only friend at his own luck, and went to the Ruins, to talk with the flowers.

He knew no one was listening, but it had become a habit.

He was glad he did, because a human fell the next morning.

~*~

“WHAT IS THIS OBSESSION WITH THE HUMAN?” Papyrus always paced when he was conflicted “FIRST THE DAMNED DOGS CLAIM THEY ARE ONE OF THEM” It was a sign that there was still a chance “THEN MY USELESS BROTHER TAKES THEM TO THAT GREASY TRAP EVERY MORNING” The harsh movements and the agitation were scary, but gave him hope at the same time “THEN YOU COME BEFORE ME ASKING ME TO SPARE THEIR LIFE? HAVE YOU LEARN NOTHING ABOUT THIS WORLD FLOWEY?”

Apparently not, since he was standing in front of the Lieutenant of the Royal Guard, trying to convince him to commit treason and let a human reach Waterfalls.

“I WILL TELL THIS ONLY ONCE, DO YOU WANT THEM TO LIVE?”

He nodded profusely, his leaves were trembling, Papyrus last threat still hanging in the air, only now he couldn’t come back to life if he died.

“THEN DON’T LET THEM FACE ME” His right eye light flared red as he stared directly into Flowey “BECAUSE I WILL KILL THEM AND BRING THEIR SOUL TO THE KING”

“Papyrus...” he was so tall standing in front of him.

“OR BE KILLED TRYING, IN NAME OF ALL MONSTERKIND”

“Please...” standing still…

“I ALREADY WARNED YOU, SO CONVINCE THEM TO STAY IN SNOWDIN OR DECIDE WHICH ONE OF US YOU WANT TO SEE DYING”

“There is another way” Floyey pleaded, but he had seen this end too many times to hope.

“MAKE YOUR CHOICE FLOWEY” and with this the skeleton left.

~*~

Flowey couldn’t make a choice…

It was not his choice to make, not anymore…

And somehow he was glad.

One of the two would die… many, many times… until they gave up.

He just hoped they gave up from the fight, and came back to Snowdin.

He just hoped that they weren’t like him…

That when they got stuck in a challenge too big to surpass, that they didn’t got angry… and striked the enemy down.

They were human, and humans could deliver so much damage when they were angry…

He didn’t want to see it…

He didn’t want to see his sibling’s blood… over and over again staining the snow.

He didn’t want to see his – former, he forced himself to think – best friend’s dust… blowing on the wind, just like any other monster… not even a proper burial…

But even if they did kill him in the end, they would certainly be guilty and try again, right?

They wouldn’t go ahead if they killed, right?

They wouldn’t save over a monster’s death…

They couldn’t…

He…

His leaves were still trembling, even without the eminent danger, if he still had emotions he would think he was scared.

But he wasn’t.

He didn’t have emotions.

He didn’t have a soul.

And if he, who didn’t have a soul, still had the hearth to do the right thing, and not save after killing someone. Then they could do the same.

And if they didn’t?

Well…

He just had to make sure to remind them.

The easy or the hard way.

Luckily for him, he learned a thing or two with past resets.

______________________

First

Last

Next

[docmurph12]

Review time- A little different format this time. Just a hair though, I had already started watching this movie by request of my wife when she freaked out and asked me to write about it so here we go, little snapshot, then what I've seen to this point, then on to the rest of the movie.

So Only Lovers Left Alive was directed by Jim Jarmusch and was released in 2014, starring Loki, The Ancient One, Alice, Kane, Chekov, and Alfred. Sorry, I couldn't help myself, Tom Hiddleston, Tilda Swinton, Mia Wasikowska, John Hurt, Anton Yelchin, and Jeffrey Wright. Right off the top, its a killer cast, and while you never know who is going to get put in a film together, it is neat to see this unique grouping of folks together. RIP John, Anton.

Thus far and without looking up a synopsis, I have sort of been able to understand that Hiddleston (Adam), Swinton (Eve), and Hurt (Marlowe) are some sort of pacifist hippie vampires. Marlowe supplies Eve with blood, and Adam goes to "Dr. Watson" (the situation makes it obvious that isn't his name) do get blood from a hospital bank. I haven't been able to figure out who Eve is but Adam appears to be a very technically well read guitar player who keeps anonymous, but seems to have a death wish, or possibly wants to kill himself. Marlowe and Eve seem to have a long standing and well established relationship, and there seems to be a connection between Adam and Eve (well no shit). I've kept it paused here so I can follow through with writing this so at this point I will go ahead and let her rip. "Live" updates from here on out so SPOILER ALERT!! Watch for the final review notes at the end!

My timing is great here. I paused it right before Adam and Eve video call each other. They are married, and Adam seems to be sort of exhausted of the world, while Eve is enjoying herself where she is at. In fact, Adam is really struggling with his art and Eve is having a great time getting wiggity whacked out on that good blood from the French doctor. For Adam, the high he gets from the blood seems to be an attempt to escape, where for Eve it is for the exp...GODDAMN I hope that it Hiddleston playing the violin. That was fucking impressive.

Marlowe has expressed concern for Eve, and a thought that Adam might be suicidal, a thought which doesn't seem to effect Eve very much on the surface. Odd. Especially since they more than imply that they are THE Adam and Eve.

The way they present the need for blood is very interesting, like its a combination between what they need to survive and an extremely addictive drug that can ruin your life.

I love the historical references. Hiddleston and Swinton do a great job pulling off the experienced based wisdom. The tech talk on the instruments is amazing too.

Great super subtle reference to the White Stripes song Ball and Biscuit. You'll catch it if you know what I'm talking about.

Some famlial distaste/distrust. Adam really doesn't like Eve's Sister Ava. He is really pissed over some "Paris thing", something apparently Eve isn't really happy about either but is willing to move on from.

Man I half expected between Detroit actually being Jack White's home and the reference that the club scene would have featured one of his bands. But no. No Raconteurs, no White Stripes, no anything. missed opportunity, even if it would have been just a hair heavy handed.

Oh man, Ava's about to get kicked out. She busted up Adam's apartment and killed his only connection to the outside world he was trying to stay isolated from. Trashed a 1905 Gibson and a bunch of vinyl records and furniture and left an empty corpse. She sucks, and if I were a vampire trying to stay on my own, I'd just have killed her.

Vamps on the run, no food anywhere since they can't fly with blood. They arrive in Tangiers where Eve was staying before she left to be with Adam, and found Marlowe is gone. Adam isn't doing so well. When things begin to get dire for the both of them, they find Marlowe, apparently dying. There is a shortage of blood.

Well Marlowe is gone, doesn't seem to be a lot of hope for anyone.

Poetic, she finds him a lute in Tangiers that is made of the same hardwood that he was going to use to kill himself, right before it seems like they are going to die. Except....

Ok so the movie is done. I am not 100% sure how I feel about it. What I ultimately feel like I can draw from it is a centuries old observance of science and art, seen from the never ending souls of two people who are destined to live forever, tied together by their unending love and intrinsic differences that keep them hopelessly um....entangled....to use a word.

Final Verdict?

After some thought, I'll give it a solid A-. I like a lot of the commentary in the story on things they have experienced, and some of the flavor that implies that not everything is EXACTLY as it was written. The score was almost dirge-like in its dragging time and its key. A lot of what at first seems like slow motion, but might not be, lots of double exposure types of shots. I really liked the emphasis on music and Adam's involvement through the centuries (Insert "I understood that reference" meme at nearly every call back, that felt nice). While there is involvement with all the cast at multiple points throughout, this movie is largely a two character piece. Everyone else just kind of exists. It does a really nice job in highlighting how alone, out of time, and more sophisticated than everyone else they feel, and that they feel it together. Given the chance, I would probably watch this one again, should my wife want to watch it with me in the same state this time. Love you babe.

[lavenderclearwater]

Old Scars

It had only been a matter of time before Sherlock got injured because he didn't have the patience to wait for the actual police to chase down the assailant. John's heart stopped for a moment when he heard the gunshot followed by the sound of a body hitting the ground. His body only allowed him to breathe when he turned around and saw that he was still alive, hand covering the wounded area. Thank God. 

"He's getting away!" Sherlock whined, knowing that Lestrade's officers were a couple minutes behind them.

"Shut up."

They eventually caught up with him and arrested him, adding another charge on top of first-degree murder. Lestrade and himself forced Sherlock to go to the hospital.

"It's only a flesh wound."

John rolled his eyes at the comment, "You're going or I'm going to call Mycroft."

Sherlock crossed his arms and pouted, but otherwise stopped all of his protests. The doctor cleaned the injury and patched him up, then informed him where they could get the discharge paperwork before moving on. He didn't blame him for leaving so quickly, it was probably going to be a busy night from the look of the crowded waiting room.

"I can get them myself. I'm not enfeebled," he hissed when John got up to get them for him.

"Fine, get them yourself," he raised his hands up in surrender.

Once he left the room,  John started picking up their things. He was grabbing his coat when he saw a thick folder with Sherlock's name on it. Oh lord, just how much trouble has he gotten himself in the past? John had never seen his medical history before, he only knew what he had been in person. Now here it was, tempting him. I'm sure he wouldn't mind if I just took a peak… He flipped the beginning of the file. Nothing surprising in his early years, simple stuff like the flu or minor injuries (Exp. One twisted ankle from chasing after the neighbor's cat). 

Then he got to his teen years. Suddenly he was met with a detailed sheet of paper that he was sadly familiar with as a previous military doctor. Attempted suicide, a bottle of sleeping pills was stolen from the parents. He had only been sixteen at the time.

"John?" He shut the file and took a step back. The door was still shut, Sherlock was on the other side. "Are you still in there?"

"Yeah, sorry. Got distracted," he grabbed his coat and got out of there.

Thankfully, Sherlock didn't notice (or just didn't care to point out) how guilty he looked. It would be almost impossible to guess what he had been, but if anyone could it would be him. The cab ride home was silent. When they arrived, he made tea. It was habit at this point. After he was finished, he brought Sherlock a cup and joined him on the couch. John wasn't sure what to do. He couldn't bring it up, not without admitting that he invaded his privacy (not to mention also breaking the law) and possibly making him relive the trauma.

John wasn't the kind of man who picked at old scars. So, he did the only thing he could do. He held him like he was never going to let go. The thought of the chain reaction if Sherlock had been successful all those years ago, then they would have never met. They would have never become roommates, friends, or currently be dating. John had no idea what kind of man he would have become without him in his life, or if he would have even survived the brutal adjustment to civilian life. Not a single word was exchanged between the two on the couch, where they stayed for some time. Eventually, they moved on to the bedroom.

"Are you all right?" Sherlock asked as they were curled up against each other.

"Yes. Do I not seem it?"

"No. It's just that you are being more...affectionate than usual."

"You were shot today," John offered, knowing that he would understand the meaning of his words.

He did. The excuse wasn't really a lie, it just wasn't the whole truth. Maybe one day he would tell him, but not tonight. John is going to enjoy this moment for as long as he could.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/34901011

[cofferi]

Just some FFXIV thoughts....

To start, here's some boring info about me: I used to play Maple Story, Flyff, and Ragnarok Online, as well as a myriad of other obscure mmos and private servers back in the 2000s. Point is none of these were considered hardcore in the slightest.

So, starting ffxiv after so long kind of hit me like a train. I get to level 15 where I must queue up for my first low level dungeon Sastasha in order to move forward with the story. I don't have friends so I will be grouped up with 3 random strangers. The expected wait time to get in is like 7 mins. I wait about 5 mins and then withdraw from queue.

I have to do stuff with others??? Ummmmmmmmm. I honestly wandered around the map for like half an hour just questioning myself and if I should keep going.

Tank? Healer? DPS?

Coming from games of long ago where you just kinda wanted to have a healer on your team but you had no real obligation to, ffxiv actually recognizes the job roles and specifically requires a party of 1 tank, 1 healer, and 2 dps. You cannot deviate from this! (Well, you can but that's not typical, and later dungeons expand the number of players in a party but the general idea of requiring at least one of each role is still the same). It's interesting to me how this structure has become so sacred. Dungeons cannot be completed without you doing your specific job. It's to promote efficiency and comfort so everyone generally knows what to do as well as what others will do right off the bat.

Visibility AKA "Why are people looking at me"

Oh no. So, if everyone has a job to do that means there is the Mortifying Ordeal of Being Known. If you don't do your job, your party members WILL notice lol! And it will be obvious because there will be just 4 of you in the party. It's not hard to see what 3 others are doing. Further, if you're tank/healer, you will be the only one of your job role in your party. If you don’t follow your role, no one else can cover for you. You are very visible. And that's very anxiety-inducing!! You don't want to let the party down. Here are some notable job anxiety narratives:

- Tankxiety. You have to essentially lead your party through a scary maze-like dungeon. Nobody will move unless the tank moves first because the tank needs to be the one to take initial damage and get enemy aggro. You are therefore kind of expected to know your way around and where to go. This is less about competency, though, and more about confidence in yourself. If you get lost, no one tangibly loses anything. You just find the way eventually. Playing tank forces you to learn maps and enemy patterns. As someone who would rather fade away into the background, this scared the shit out of me.

- Healing responsibility. If someone/everyone dies, it's your fault. It's common to feel like this even if your party consists of 3 dumbasses who can't play and kill themselves on purpose. You feel responsibility because the whole point of you is to take care of everyone. That's the reality, and that's a lot of pressure. Playing healer forces you to have 0.1 reaction time, learn enemy patterns, and know how to prioritize who gets to live and who stays dead. People’s lives are on the line. When I was a child, I told my parents straight up I could never be a doctor.

- No real dps bad narratives though except to git gud. You're not as visible at being bad dps unless you literally stand there doing nothing. You can be head empty no thoughts about most maps and enemies as long as you react normally enough.

This game sounds very unforgiving and mean

To combat this anxiety hurdle, there is a huge focus on guiding and taking care of new people who don't know much. You have a literal sprout icon next to your name until you catch up to the latest expansion. So, like 1000+ game hours?? You are overtly "new" for a very long time.

Because the game is so heavily story-driven and requires a new 4-person dungeon run literally every step of the way, these dungeon queues need to have a steady stream of players ready to run them at all times. Otherwise, it would be actually impossible for newbies to get through the story. Not everyone has friends to make a pre-party with, ok cool guy. Majority of dungeon crawling is done with random parties.

So, you get rewards out the ass for running "duty finder" daily which puts you in a random unlocked dungeon with an automatically-generated party of random people. It is the #1 best way to get exp and level up. You are essentially rewarded for helping out new people to do their required dungeons. You can give advice during the run, tell them how best to go about things, give tips on their job, etc.

I find this so smart as a game philosophy in order to get people to constantly play/revisit all content while also being friendly to new people. New people are the lifeblood of a game. You literally cannot just play in a bubble with only top tier savage raider people and shield yourself from new people or incompetency. Not that I'm calling only new people incompetent.

Competency AKA "What am I doing and why am I bad”

The side effect of running these dungeons randomized is that you will often be dropped into one that you completely forgot about. The average person cannot memorize every single one and everything that happens in it. The game came out in 2010 so there is 10+ years of content.

If this game teaches you anything it's that You Will Fuck Up and it will be a lot and until the end of time. You are honestly forced to come face to face with your own incompetency nearly every time you log on lol. In a sense, you try to put on your best performance every time you enter a 20 min dungeon instance and just hope you don't cause a party meltdown.

It won't matter how many times you practice your rotation or how many times you run through the same dungeon over and over. You will inevitably forget something, you will misclick, you will get tunnel vision and forget to move from an aoe and get slammed in the face and die.

But it's fine. I see people dying to dumb shit all the time. It's fine because you get up and try again. Dungeons are not so difficult that you can't get through it on a second try, usually. There are no consequences to dying or performing sub-optimally except your own personal shame, time, and sadness. In fact, there's an exhilaration you get when things get particularly hairy but everyone pulls through by the skin of their teeth and manages to make it out alive.

CONCLUSION: You are important and contribute to the fight in your own way.

Only once you get over the Mortifying Ordeal can you then achieve the Rewards of Being Loved. There is something so satisfying about each successful dungeon run and knowing it is the result of each party member's cumulative contribution. When a role is missing or dies, there is a noticeable difference. (Even dps. Sometimes fights are ones of attrition and will take 5-10x longer without dps).

So, yes, you are extremely visible to other random strangers who may judge you. But that also means that when you do a good job, your good job is visible. 80% of my dungeon runs end in the party thanking each other. The pressure the game puts on you to do your best but not to stress too hard about it is just enough, in my opinion.

You are encouraged to get over yourself, your ego, your own anxiety.

Personally, it is a point of pride for myself if I am able to hit all my buttons right when I'm supposed to. I want to be good for myself and for my random party members who I will ride or die for after just 20 mins. The game wants you to do your best, to be social and communicate when things go awry, and also to be humble in the face of weird shit happening -- all at the right levels. And then you are treated to the coolest damn visuals and game mechanics I've ever experienced!

[watermelinoe]

Medicine has a lot of issues of not taking people seriously, but now unfortunately more people treat the ER as a primary care office because the medical system is so screwed up, and then people get mad they haven’t been seen yet for a genuinely minor complaint. So this sign is definitely mentally geared for Karens who have thrown things at secretaries because their isolated hand pain is taking over an hour to be seen. People who don’t have ER exp. genuinely don’t always understand the triage flow and having a sign explaining it, albeit snarky, is a good reminder. It’s genuinely exhausting and overwhelming to manage this current flow, my ER I worked in for 3 years (I now work in an ICU above it) has been at overflow capacity every day for weeks now. We just don’t have people willing to work there anymore because of the physical, mental, and emotional abuse patients inflict back, burning out medical workers *into* the horribly unempathetic form they can take. Medicine should be criticized to make it better but it’s always funny when someone with minimal working medical experience criticizes it in an unproductive way during a peak in a global pandemic. I am so so exhausted and we are doing our best. I hope we can do better but I don’t think we even have time to self reflect right this second because we’re genuinely focused on survival. Idk

i don't always get my point across, and i know in the post you're referring to i brushed past it, but i absolutely recognize that the behavior i'm criticizing is a result of compassion fatigue. of unsafe working conditions, especially after the pandemic started, lack of staff, lack of equipment, lack of gratitude. i don't mean to minimize how much emergency medical staff have on their plate.

but the consequence of compassion fatigue is that medical personnel fall back on internal biases, and in emergency situations, that means people die. that means people go for help and they aren't treated, and they die. sometimes all it would've took was one test that no one bothered to order.

i criticize from the perspective of someone chronically ill, who hates going to urgent care, who regularly participates in a little chronically ill community of people who also hate going to urgent care, because over and over we aren't believed. this problem persists outside of emergency medicine. hell, many doctors don't believe my pain disorder exists.

and we are so used to minimizing our problems. i only go to the doctor for check-ups, because i already know they can't cure what's actually wrong, and i carry on hoping there won't be complications down the line because i'm pr much not going to a doctor unless i think one of my organs is failing lmao

your (general) assumption when someone comes in without an immediately visible problem is that nothing is wrong. or, if something does look wrong, but it's a woman, or a person of color, both, unconsciously you dismiss it. women exaggerate. black people don't feel as much pain anyway, this person is being dramatic. you don't even have to believe this consciously for it to impact your care.

i know you're trying to survive, i respect the work you do, i'm grateful to every medical worker who took care of me when i needed it. when someone thinks they're having an emergency, they are also trying to survive. and sometimes, being left waiting or being dismissed will kill them. patients have to advocate for themselves or they could die. that's why that sign bothers me.

[lucarioisinthevoid]

What would everyone think of king Afton?

After many years of the animatronics killing nightguards, they finally caught William and killed him. But as you know from my ask about Goldie and Cassidy, Cassidy lied saying it wasn't him. When humans found out the animatronics were sentient, they locked all animatronics underground, including all the nightguards that were stuffed. Which meant Afton was still around to mess with the animatronics and the dead kids. When animatronics started getting the hang of having a society, springtrap (as how he went by in his suit. It became common among stuffed humans to make up names for themselves instead of using their human names) became the town nuisance. He basically caused trouble just get reactions, everyone just ignored him and pissed him off.

A few years later, about a week after Golden Freddy's and Cassidy's death, the guards were waiting for orders from king Fazbear, Bonnie was subcoming to guilt and depression seeing the situation with Goldie and Cassi as his fault, the Marionette was mourning the death of another child in her room, and Freddy was in his palace thinking. He honestly didn't know how to feel in the moment of their deaths, so he just kept thinking about it knowing the should feel something, like sad or angry.

Springtrap snuck inside the palace, almost too easily. When he was sneaking in, a human fell down. Freddy went to investigate, with springtrap following behind in the shadows. The human that fell sorta looked like Cassidy, except she had gold blonde hair, but that was the only difference. It was like the world wanted to play a joke on Freddy, "hey look!!! A little girl that looks like both of your now dead friends!!! Isn't that funny?!!?!" How dare the world. Before he could even think, all the feelings he should have felt flooded through him, the sadness of loosing the people he loves, the guilt of being unable to prevent their deaths, and the anger towards humanity for killing people he held close to his soul. Without thinking, he projected his anger towards humans on the child, and mercilessly killed her.

He was brought back to his senses when William started laughing and applauding the show before him. Freddy then attacked him, nearly killing him before realizing in this moment he was no better than him. After this realization, he declared war on humanity. The Marionette ran away back to the ruins never to be heard from again, and springtrap was made into the new royal adviser. Freddy hired him as royal adviser in hopes that maybe Afton could teach him to be more merciless.

The only reason why he was so merciless as a killer was because Chara made him think he was insane, and he was a player's puppet. He lived his own life so many times, why would it matter if he killed people if he knew they were going to be fine when he wakes up yesterday? Now Chara became dormant, and the players stopped controlling him. Kinda ironic how he's now feeling powerless despite now having complete control of his body.

He began to feel regret for everything his done. The many people he's killed, the many people he let stay dead. He was no longer above his actions. He was no longer above consequences. This made him fall into despair and depression.

After years of being royal adviser, Freddy gave him a title of king, trusting him enough to rule beside him as brothers. After he was crowned, him and Fazbear became closer, like actual brothers.

But they had disagreements, like all siblings do. Except their disagreements had to do with life and death. Freddy would argue with Afton over killing humans, he'd say that he needed to kill humans and collect their souls in order to set them all free. Afton would argue saying that everyone had already suffered enough, and that more children didn't deserve to die. When ever human children fall down and leave the Marionette's protection in the ruins, he would try and protect the children from Freddy, in hopes that he might be able to talk him out of killing them. Usually the kids flat out give up and let themselves be killed. Afton stopped trying to protect the kids after a 5 year old gave up her life to Fazbear.

King Afton, with the help of doctor Bonnie, removed his suit, and rebuilt Springbonnie and Fredbear. Fredbear remembered how Afton used spring for murder, but thankfully Springbonnie didn't remember how he was used. He didn't even remember the surface, he just knew who he was, who his brother Fredbear was, and that Afton was one of the people that made him. Afton talked with Fredbear privately about how times had changed from 1987 to now, when Fredbear was shut down to when he was rebuilt. Fredbear didn't remember the bite of 87, and his memories of the surface weren't any better. All he remembered was kids, the layout of the diner, and the stars he'd look at out the window.

Once Afton explained everything, leaving out the bite incident, Fredbear to forgive the poor corpse for everything he's done. He didn't trust him, he just forgave him. Fredbear and Springbonnie then left Afton's room where they were rebuilt and started living their own lives.

This Afton is a more forgivable, and melancholy version of Afton.

What would everyone in your AU think of King Afton?

First up, very interesting take, though now all the pressure of the “why did you kill” are put on Chara. The concept of Afton getting EXP from stuffing children into suits is wrecking me with laughter to be fully honest- this man must be buff- Everyone is a big number, but I can give you three main people, I think.

Marionette hates him- like all Williams. He doesn’t believe in redemption; he doesn’t believe in the concept of regret. Nobody ever regretted what happened to him, thus regret must be a hindering emotion at best- a liability at worst. Useless and hurtful. This William is pathetic! How can you go around killing children because of some fucking spirit?! And then being all regretful about it, as though it makes a difference?! Devaluing these murders even MORE! How much must he hate these children that he admits openly that his murders were pointless and soulless and now after decades something he would be taking back?! HOW DOES THAT HELP?! WHO?! HE DOESN’T DESERVE PITY. AND YOUR FREDDY, HE SHOULD HAVE KILLED HIM FOR GOOD! SO WHAT IF YOU ARE “EQUALLY” AS BAD?! IF TWO WRONGS MEET AND ONE KILLS THE OTHER, THEN WE HAVE AT LEAST ONE RIGHT! There is nothing more appalling to him than regretting the evil deeds, because then you say you did those evil deeds out of weakness and selfishness and nothing else came from it. Marion doesn’t regret killing the guards. Marion DOESN’T regret killing the guards! (My Marionette would make a much more ruthless ruler of the underground than both William and Freddy combined…) Fredbear is actually somewhat happy. He feels terrible for everything that happened until then and that the Marionette had to leave home because of William returning and becoming an advisor- and of course, he’s agonizing about the fact that another child had to die. But in the end, there’s some reassurance in William just being another puppet, suffering the circumstances and now working for redemption. The children are still here in some way after all, with this new technology- once it is perfected, everyone can live the life they wanted. All he hopes is that William will be a force of good this time around and for good this time. He shouldn’t have crumbled to the timeloop, but… … things like that are mindbreaking, certainly. Not being yourself is extremely scary. And how can you be sure you ARE yourself? If he would have the chance to say anything to Afton, then it’s to not give protecting the children. They need you. They need someone to stand up for them. No matter how pointless it seems or how often you fail, continuing to try is what matters. Stay determined. You owe them this after all- you have proven your ability to use what’s inside of you for destruction, make sure that it will become good permanently. You need to wake up every morning and choose to do the right thing. They need you. Both the living and the dead. Old Sport thinks he’s a funny fucker. As someone in the same shoes as him- well, without that evil spirit thing, but still- he sees his acting out and then doing a 180° as pretty hilarious. Like, sure, you go dude, reinvent yourself as this regretful somebody who wants to help, Old Sport gets it, he has done stuff like that too- but being all mopey and melancholic about it? Just move on! If you were in a loop, what does it matter? Reset and restart. You didn’t feel bad doing it, right? So why feel bad now? What’s the point? Genuine question. You did the deed, you committed the crime and that was okay. And then you stuck to that timeline. Sorry, not sorry, you have nobody to blame but yourself. And that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be able to move on and change and make peace, that’s totally fine, but the way Old Sport sees it from the outside, there’s a lot of misplaced guilt. This is a story, right? … … even if Old Sport doesn’t like, part of him feels jealous. Afton lacked control over his body, but at least he had a soul, right? At least he HAS a kind of personality and sense of self. He can make himself into a consistent character, unlike Old Sport who has to pick and choose and never knows what to do- In his opinion, Afton needs to get a grip and be less ungrateful for the things he actually DOES have. Save the kids, kill the kids, whatever, protect your sense of self… but then at least be satisfied with your choices that came out of that sense of self. Guilt is a choice. Either regret and act or don’t and stay back.

[brittlebutch]

any tips when an appointment goes like shit? ive been having chronic pain for years, worst in my hips, with joint popping and hypermobility, bad enough that i was having trouble walking and used a cane and could barely get out of bed... but just saw a rheumatologist and all labs were fine, all xrays were normal, she doesn't think anything is wrong and i just need to exercise more, joints popping is probably nothing. im just so lost as to what to do now. i hate living like this

i always feel like the worst person to answer questions like these just because my usual ‘coping’ method for this shit is just like.. fucking. suffer through it lmao; but it really do want to give you like a Good Answer because BRO this shit sucks so fucking much it’s unreal. even tho i’ve actually got like a tentative dx now i Still have the same chucklefuck experiences at the doctors’ offices (and only Partly due to the fact that my dx exp was basically ‘hm you’ve been looking for an answer for the past 8 years and haven’t had any luck? could just be These Things; let’s not bother doing any more tests to try and confirm, try these meds [that don’t work] and we’ll see you in a few months! don’t call me, we’ll call you haha!!”)

So, like, first off I’m gonna say that you should absolutely let yourself be angry and frustrated. IDK how much of a ‘universal’ experience this is, but for me, appointments like this usually send me into a doubt spiral; like “What if this IS just normal body stuff everyone deals with and i’m just a pussy who can’t handle it? after all, they’re A Doctor, right? so they’d know???” but they Don’t always know. Yeah they’re a doctor with a theoretically good education, but they’re still people with biases and also a sometimes lazy inclination. YOU know your body and your experiences Are real and do matter. Let yourself be angry at your doctors, and tell anyone who tries to give you the whole like “doctors are Incredible people you can’t ever talk shit about” spiel to fuck off lol

Next i think it can be important to remember that you don’t like, Need a doctor’s permission to do certain things? Again, might just be a Me Thing, but I put off using mobility aids for years just because doctor’s told me my bones were fine and whatever, and the few times I asked about them specifically, got told to not use them because they’re just [insert any number of allusions to laziness]. Finally went ahead and just bought myself a cane last december and dude, Great purchase. I’ve even recently got smart crutches; because the cane was kind of hell on my whole hand and arm joints (again, this was something i asked a doctor about and was refused an actual answer for lmao), which i don’t quite regret even tho the ‘rest’ working from home during quarantine has granted me means my joints are feeling better than they have in literal years. You’ve already mentioned that you use a cane, so maybe this won’t necessarily apply to you, but like, for me i spent a really long time focused on the idea of getting a DX because in my head, that basically just meant getting permission to have a body; in the sense that like, yeah a dx can maybe get you treatment/more specific coping methods, but for me it also gave me Permission to feel bad (especially where other people could see/know about) which we Don’t Need! you are allowed to validate your own pain and experiences, basically, no one else needs to do that to make it ‘real’

This might be the only semi-helpful point in this post lmfao, but also think about like, why you’re going to doctor’s and whether it’s worth continuing. I started like, back in my sophomore year of HS, and then went On and Off trying new doctors for a while; this shit is exhausting; even once i was on my own and didn’t need my parent’s approval/help in getting to doctors, i still put a lot of stuff off because i didn’t have the energy for it. and that’s okay! but if you do really want to keep pushing, then make sure you keep pushing (which, admittedly, is something i still have trouble putting into practice lol). it’s always been like, dummy easy for me to feel somehow guilty for ‘inconveniencing’ doctors by showing up with problems and shit, but you really have to remember that you are Paying Them to provide you with a service. as long as you’re not unreasonably treating someone like shit, you have every right to push and argue and disagree with them. And if things with your current doctor aren’t working out, find a new one. you don’t need to stick with someone who isn’t working to help you or who you don’t feel comfortable with!

also wrt the whole ‘exercise’ schlock dude, fuck taking that at face value. i’m sure that more exercise really Does help some people, but if you’re in so much pain that getting out of bed and walking around is nearly impossible then tell them so, and then tell them to fuck off. i’ve had doctor’s giving me that spiel for nearly a decade, every one of them lovingly disregarding the fact that i Was exercising at the times (be it through swim teams, gym classes, the fact that most of my commutes are entirely walking, etc), and even my most recent one hearing me say that I was pretty sure the quarantines meaning that i was walking less to get to classes and shit was literally Decimating my pain levels and then still telling me to make sure I try walking around/exercising more. i can’t help but feel that like 9/10 that advice is complete horse shit lmao. same with diet recommendations

i hope literally ANY of this is helpful, lol. if it isn’t, then at the Very least i can offer you an open invitation to come vent in my inbox lmao, because i Get how shitty this is and the fact that like ‘healthy’ people tend to have the “no answer is a good answer! :)“ mentality can wear on u just as much as the actual appointments, so feel free to complain as much as your heart desires dude!