#do you think his therapist told him he could better process the loss through creative outlets

[eepy-pleepy]

Men will write songs and develop entire tv shows instead of accept that their character of 15 years died by a rusty nail

[wrayghtings]

All Good Things

Summary: The first time I met the Reaper was when I was eight and my hamster died. Warning! Death and suicide. Written for my creative writing club a couple years back.

.....

Friends and family come in all forms. Family, they say, is something you can’t choose, and I believe that. However, I believe that family runs deeper than blood, because people just won’t leave sometimes, yet you appreciate and hate them for it. Like blood family, you know?

And friends come from weird places. They can come when you don’t expect them. Sometimes, you don’t even like them at first, but they somehow grow on you. You may not even mean to befriend them, but they keep finding you. They keep ending up back in your life. Maybe you’ve had a lot of classes together, or you both happen to end up at the mall at the same time every day but, for whatever reason, Fate just keeps having you bump into that person until you don’t want to be away from them anymore. Trust me. I know the feeling better than anyone.

When I was eight, I had a pet hamster by the name of George. I wanted a monkey, but my parents compromised for a hamster. I wasn’t exactly a creative child either, and hadn’t read any books about a hamster, so I gave him the name George. This hamster was my best friend; no kidding. I wasn’t exactly a “normal” little girl because I didn’t like the things that “normal” little girls should. I liked to get dirty and do things besides braid hair and play with dolls. Prep school girls weren’t exactly inclined to accept a little girl that came to school with mud on her skirt and dirt on her face. Prep school boys weren’t much different because, even though you liked the games they did, you’re still a girl. And when you’re eight, girls have cooties.

Anyway, since human friends seemed to be out of the roster, I settled for a hamster. I loved George. I made sure he had the best treats, big fluffy piles of cedar to play in, and a freshly oiled running wheel. I spoiled him! So much so that I talked my dad into helping me set up tunnels for him to play in, which ran around my entire room and connected back to his cage.

But all good things must come to an end, I suppose, because George died just short of our two-year anniversary, bringing about my first meeting with the Reaper.

I came home after school and found George “sleeping” as a figure in dark robes stood above his cage. I was just shy of ten, and I didn’t fully understand the concept of dying. I asked the robed figure why they were there. It turned around, and…to this day I still cannot describe her face. It shifts and changes; appearing as a normal woman’s one moment and a rotting corpses the next. Never keeping one face too long. Her features are as controversial as the question of the after-life itself, so I suppose it’s a fitting form for Death.

She stared at me for a long time. Today I question if that was because I could see her, or if she was offended because I didn’t know her. But after what felt like an eternity, she finally told me that she had to take George away because he would not be waking up.

Ever heard of the “Five Stages of Grief”? Yeah? Well, I went through all of those in about two minutes flat. I denied, screamed, cried and cried and cried, trying to throw myself onto Death and beg her not to take George away because he was only sleeping and he was my only friend.

However, Death evaded my tackle, and I landed hard on the floor, barely turning around in time to see her disappear, and discover George’s unresponsive little body.

My parents couldn’t say or do anything to make me feel better.

I never got over George and hated Death for years. I grew depressed and my parents clung to me, worried for their only child’s health. I clung back to them because, as the years came to past, I remained “the weird girl” that was bullied and friendless. My parents became everything. They were my support. My best friends. My first movie dates. My tutors. Everything.

So when I was fourteen and mom was diagnosed with, and died from, pancreatic cancer within a year, the depression deepened. Kids shouldn’t lose their mothers at fourteen.

At the funeral, I saw Death for the second time. I had no idea why she was there because my mom wasn’t breathing, so she had obviously already done her job! I was so angry and had so much to say, but I couldn’t find my voice. She took my mom and then had the audacity to come to her funeral! I glared at her where she stood behind my mother’s casket, doing everything I could to will her away! I even squeezed my eyes shut and told myself that Death wasn’t real, repeating that to myself like a mantra, in the hopes that she’d disappear. When I next opened them, she was right in front of me telling me that she…was sorry. When I blinked, she was gone, leaving me with confusion to replace my anger.

About a month later, my dad signed us up for a group therapy class consisting of other shortened families having trouble processing grief. An “understanding community” he said.

I thought it was stupid. Obviously. I’m a depressed and moody fourteen-year-old girl at the time, and I just wanted to be left alone to think over my last encounter with Death. But here I was getting dragged into a kumbaya campfire “I love you, you love me” touchy-feely sort of situation that made me gag just thinking about it.

But I wasn’t the only moody teenager there, as it turned out. And, surprisingly, this other teenager, Ella, ended up being…kind of cool. She became my first real friend, against all odds, because I really didn’t like her to begin with. We always ended up disturbing the group with our arguments. Pointless arguing, which the councilor liked to say was our way of “processing the pain of our loss” or whatever. I hated her, but yet, couldn’t avoid her. We were paired together at every meeting because of our age. Every. Single. One. Our parents never let us skip.

Though, gradually, I finally decided, or “realized,” that I didn’t hate her. I was just angry over my mother’s passing, and never really accepted it, so I was taking pent up anger out on her, and blah, blah, blah, the therapist could give you a better explanation than me. Either way, just know that Ella and I became close after my epiphany. Slowly but surely, she became the sister I never had, and things were looking up for a while. She even transferred to my high school, and so that improved my educational life, and my overall sanity, beyond what I would’ve ever thought.

Things were looking better.

However, life had a funny way of never letting me be too happy for very long.

On the way home from the movies on the night of Ella’s sixteenth birthday, my dad, Ella, and I were struck by a distracted driver, texting on their phone. It was a bad accident. I knew my dad was gone when I woke up on the scene and Death was sitting between us in the front seat of our demolished car. She turned to me, and caressed my face in her hand before I blacked out.

In the hospital, I escaped fairly unharmed, diagnosed with a mild concussion, fractured wrist, severe abrasions and a few other bumps and bruises. “Lucky” they told me, but Ella? Well, after twenty-seven minutes of continuous CPR, Ella was pronounced dead at 11:04PM.

She was covered with a white sheet when Death came, and she did not hesitate to grab and hold me when I turned to cry into her arms. She shushed me, stroked my hair, and I clung to her…unwilling to let go of the last thing I had left. The family who had always been there as everything was going to hell. Family didn’t leave and she certainly hadn’t. You don’t choose family. Sometimes, family just is. I couldn’t lose her. I couldn’t be alone. I couldn’t.

Death never even saw the surgical scissors until I was using them to slice open my own wrists.

[inthenameofsverige]

she’s probably too cliché or marysue-ish but like, i really love my pokémon trainer oc.

her name is andy and she was born in jubilife city. she’s never had one of the three starters from sinnoh. her “starter” pokémon is a shinx her father helped her catch when she was little. she named him Sparky bc four-year-olds are creative like that. she was really really into the “conquer the gyms, defeat the elite four, become the champion of the sinnoh pokémon league!!!” so she signed up as soon as she turned 10, and she (actually pretty easily) made it to the elite 4. she was absolutely destroyed by bertha. (the team she had put together was at a major type-disadvantage. and since she was only 12 she had never realized.) she had been fine through the other gyms because she had been catching and training pokemon with the right types thanks to the advice guy at the beginning of most gyms. but for the elite 4 she had decided to take her “favourites”. luxray, rapidash, nosepass, chatot, umbreon, and lucario. even though bertha said it was alright that she lost, and that she should really try again sometime, andy just kept. thinking. about. it. this was the first time she had really been beaten. and it made her wonder if all the other gym leaders just let her win, if they had gone easy on her because she was so excited to participate and she was so young.

its honestly dumb, to her own mind especially, but this is what really set off her depression. after that, of course, as things tend to go with depression, things got dark. she didnt know what to do, she felt like a failure. she had lost so thoroughly and it made her question everything. and nobody else, not even her father, seemed to understand how much that loss affected her. people kept telling her to “get over it” and that “plenty of people lose to just the first gym every day!” so she “should really be thankful that (a whiny brat like) you got to the elite four!” which really helped cement her fears that she had been coasting through on her innocence and excitement and people’s pity the whole time. this all bittered her to people, and crashed her worldview. she got pretty reclusive, but not in the usual way. andy would take long, long walks through sinnoh, staying away from people and especially trainers. any trainer that insisted on battling her she just lost to. she wouldnt even try anymore. no point to it, really. honestly, she got very, very wrapped up in her own self-hatred and loathing. because while the loss against bertha is what triggered it, her depression fucking snowballed from there. and suddenly everything she was and everything she was doing was wrong. she had given away most of the pokémon on she had caught, convinced that they didnt deserve her. that they should have a trainer who knew what they were doing. and this ball of self-hatred deep in her gut kept her away from home and strained her relationship so much with her family. she hadnt told anyone about how much she despised herself, all her family knew was that she had become reclusive, angry, and rebellious towards them. she was almost never home and when she was she would spend all her time in her room, and yell at anyone who came in.

she was 14 when she first contemplated killing herself. it would be so easy. she was gone from home and from people for so long. she thought about it most on dark nights under the new moon. she could just leave. and no one would be angry at her, no one would worry about her, no one would pity her ever again. but then, always, she would come out of her mind, and notice the warm side she had been using as a pillow. and she would start to think about sparky. he was one of the few pokémon she hadnt given away, and the only one she took on her walks. he had been in her life for so long. she couldnt just leave him. she just, she just couldnt. she would end up crying into his fur and he would lean his head against her and purr. sparky never fully knew what was wrong, but he did know andy wasnt okay, and that he made her feel better. at 15 andy decided Fuck It. her life was shit and it was her own fault. she may as well see what the world had to offer, and if it didnt, she would just kill herself by the end of the year. andy got on a ship, and left for unova. this, looking back, was the best decision she made in her entire life.

she met so many new people just on the boat ride there. by the end, she had made some tentative friendships, for the first time in years, with some other kids who were traveling all the way from johto. the small group journeyed around unova together, becoming closer and closer friends. andy still had those nights. those pulling, dragging thoughts and the reminders in the back of her mind that none of this would last. but the year ended; and she didnt kill herself. after two years, the group decided to leave unova and move on to kalos together. on the ship ride out of castellia, andy confessed to her friends that she really wanted to die sometimes, and kinda wanted to die most others. but they made her feel better sometimes. and she was glad she wasnt alone on dark nights and rainy days. they were quick to convince her she needed help. in kalos, the first thing they did was set themselves up in a hotel, and get andy to make an appointment with a therapist. she resisted, pretty hard, but as much as she hated herself, she hated feeling like this just as much. so she went. she got medication, and coping methods, and a place to just vent and reconcile about what had started this whole thing. after a month, she didnt want to hold up her friends on their exploration around kalos, so she told her therapist she was going to stop seeing them. her therapist gave andy their card, and gave her the addresses of other therapists all around kalos. they made her promise to see them, as often as foottravel would allow, and to keep her medication filled, and her coping methods in the back of her mind, and her friends at the front. so she did. its been years now, and shes traveled through kalos, back to sinnoh, and then way around to johto as well, to say goodbye to her friends that had saved her from the darkest times in her life. (they still keep in touch)

now shes alone again, traveling, but this time she has a full team of pokémon. and she travels with people. a different group every week sometimes. shes even started battling trainers who challenge her again. and shes started trying again. of course, far more battles now are hard-won. and quite a few are lost. but shes had a different outlook on them. she learns. and she understands why and how and what she can do better. shes not the best, but shes found her joy in battling again, in taking her losses in stride and about cherishing the lessons shes learned and the great battles shes had. she still has those dark nights sometimes. the new moon still brings back those decade-old feelings. and shell still get twinges of her old thought processes in the back of her mind. but now she has more than sparky’s comforting fur to soothe her. she has a team she lends her whole heart to, and them to hers. and she has people that she talks to and meds that she takes and friends, even passing ones, that keep her from falling down that cliffside again. shes back to her old self, more or less. seemingly boundless enthusiasm and joy for everything she does. and everyone she meets. recently, she even went home and told her family what had happened all those years ago. they finally understood, and they apologized for not taking her seriously or seeing the signs of her illness. andy apologized for pushing them all away, and for leaving home, and sinnoh entirely, for near-on a decade. they told her there was an open bed at home any time she should need it. and open ears should she ever need them too. her latest travels have taken her to alola, and honestly, she thinks she might make her new home here.

[sydneymaes]

the year of just realizing stuff

hello 2017 and the latest blog i have inevitably neglected!!! i’ve been wanting to reflect on 2016 for the past week or so but haven’t found (more accurately would be made) the time to do so. alas, i have finally done it. kylie jenner said it best at the beginning of 2016 it was the year of “just realizing stuff” so here are 16 things i realized in 2016. 

1. moving across the country, as far from home as possible, is bittersweet. going somewhere new and starting another adventure is filled with excitement for the unknown. moving cross country and ripping yourself out of your safe, comfort zone is terrifying and can get lonely. i handled it with what seemed like ease in my first semester. i was only homesick a few times because i was still so excited and i felt like i had mentally prepared for the adjusting period. i loved my new independence, the new city and the experiences but that didn’t stop me from missing my family gatherings and my friends a whole lot. i constantly go back and forth with loving the distance from home and wishing i could squeeze my dog or spend an hour cuddling my nephew at any second.

2. europe is rad. seeing places from my textbooks in real life amazes me more than i would like to admit to any teacher or professor. what i have seen of europe has been beautiful in it’s well-crafted, old age. i left excited to return and see more. spending 6 weeks in london was a cheesy dream; i’m so grateful for everything and everyone that was a part of my time there. going through italy and spain with my grandma was an experience i’ll cherish forever. there’s something special about long travel days that lead to some of the best sunsets and meals i’ve ever had.  

3. sometimes you lose and it’s hard, but humbling. despite all of the great things that happened this year i still had some moments of defeat that left a lasting impact. i had a semester kick my ass even though i thought it was going to be easy. i lost myself somewhere in mix of it all and have been feeling the repercussions for a couple of months. we lost one of the most important elections i could have imagined. we lost icon after icon this year even when it didn’t seem like it could get worse. the seahawks lost a few times and made me an anxious mess during 87% of the games they played. i lost to alcohol quite a few times (it’s legal in london). during each one of those losses my ego took a hit but i came out on the other end accepting the defeat and more humble than i went in.

4. finding people that understand you is wonderful. sometimes it’s as simple as understanding the tv references or the music you like. sometimes it’s having someone understand how obnoxious a class is or how overwhelming going to college can be. sometimes it’s having someone understand your whole life story rather than passing judgement or staring at you like an alien. finding someone who understands you in any form feels great and makes college that much easier.

5. support systems are necessary. i try my best to do everything on my own but it’s humanely impossible, and quite frankly more sad, to do it in such a way. i would be a dropout and potentially an idiot without my people. we’re programmed to need other people and it’s hard to remember that sometimes. i’m thankful for the words of encouragement, tough love, laughs, regular love and i guess the occasional money doesn’t hurt. 

6. roommates come in all forms. sometimes you share every intimate part of your life with them during week one and they end up helping you stay afloat. sometimes they are your go to encourager or pop culture junkie. sometimes they show you pet peeves you didn't even know you had. sometimes they teach you about people different from yourself. sometimes you only coexist with them and don’t move past surface conversation the entire time you live with each other. they’re all just fine and make it so you don’t sleep in a scary, empty room every night.

7.there are so many good tv shows i have missed out on. my new friends and online streaming have reminded me this year that i have barely scratched the surface of television and films that i need to see. it’s slightly overwhelming but thank god for tv breaks.

8. blogs are hard. i wanted to post more here and even get out the vlogs i filmed over the summer but i’m a great procrastinator and easily overwhelmed. maybe one day i’ll master it.

9. i definitely don't want to be an adult. paying bills, taking out loans and being responsible 100% of the time is not fun. i would like to never grow up sorry. i’m going to fight it for as long as i can.

10. podcasts are heavily underrated. i got a job this past semester at a place that allows for me to listen to podcasts while i’m working. i have started to dabble into the podcast world and it’s amazing to see how many are out there. there’s a podcast for every topic, tv show, or problem you could ever imagine. listening to conversations between hosts about different paths of life or stories told about a specific subject has been a nice addition to my week. sometimes i learn something valuable and sometimes i just get a laugh but either way podcasts are one of my favorite trends of 2016.

11. dogs are too good for humans. they’re sweet, spastic and the best de-stressors. thank god for strangers and their dogs on campus and for snapchats of my dog back home. my weeks were greatly improved by them.

12. i love where i am from. nothing compares to the evergreens that cover washington. leaving this year made me appreciate how gorgeous washington is. i always knew it, but not being able to see constant greenery and mt rainier every time i leave my house has made it even more special to come home. i love having the option to take just a short drive to the rivers or the mountains or the ocean. i can’t wait to be back for good.

13. admitting you need help and having honest conversations is difficult. as i said, i try to deal with most things on my own especially any problems i may be having. i have a few people that i go to for advice, sometimes, but i struggle with admitting i need help or that i’m having a tough time. sometimes it’s because of pride and stubbornness. sometimes it’s because of fear. whether that’s a fear of worrying others, burdening them, or fear of failure. in 2016 i think i struggled with my mental health more than i ever have. i struggled to find balance, i struggled to have honest conversations with anyone besides my therapist 3,000 miles away and i struggled with the fear of everything that comes along with a heavier season. the goal for 2017 is to be better at those honest conversations.

14. being an aunt is the coolest. leo was most definitely the best part of my 2016. traveling the world was great and all but nothing is as great as snuggling a baby and loving him with all of your being while still managing to not have the responsibility of being a parent. even though i’ve been away i still love watching him grow via the internet. i look forward to hearing about some new milestone he’s hit and seeing his sweet face. it can turn a shitty day around really quickly. shout out to my brother and his girlfriend for making my life and the rest of my family’s a little brighter with such a happy little guy.

15. self-care is essential. i’ve gone through waves this year of taking care of myself mentally and physically but at the end of the year i can report that not taking care of yourself leads to misery.i now know how important my routine is. how important it is for me to take time to be alone. how important it is for me to be around others sometimes. how important it is to set boundaries. how important it is to not eat garbage food all of the time. how important it is to have a creative outlet. how important it is to have some type of physical activity in my life. it’s a learning process filled with trial and error but frankly, without properly caring for ourselves we become toxic people. 

16. music remains one of the strongest sources of happiness in my life. it has become a foundation for some of the most positive relationships in my life. it has been something to lean on during the scariest moments of the year. it has been essential to some of the happiest moments of the year. live music has been the best escape from reality i could ever ask for in 2016. taking the time to listen to new music this year has reminded me how special it is to find something new you connect with and feel in your bones. listening to old music this year has reminded me of the moments i love to relive in my head.

[nntodayblog]

Andie MacDowell Is Back, And We Should Never Have Let Her Go

Illustration: Gabriela Landazuri/HuffPost Photos: Getty Images

Andie MacDowell’s imperial phase lasted an all-too-brief seven years, spanning “Sex, Lies and Videotape” (1989), “Green Card” (1990), “The Object of Beauty” (1991), “Groundhog Day” (1993), “Short Cuts” (1993), “Four Weddings and a Funeral” (1994), and “Michael” (1996).

It was long enough to make her a household name, and short enough to leave folks wondering, “What ever happened to that Andie MacDowell? I love her!” (To which someone should respond, “She was in ‘Magic Mike XXL,’ duh.”)

It’s an awkward question to ask: How does it feel to have lost your popularity? But MacDowell is a realist. Being around pesky Hollywood types ― even though she didn’t move to Los Angeles until 2013 ― has kept her self-aware. She knows she could have had Nicole Kidman’s career, but she opted to focus on motherhood instead of chasing after the industry’s brightest projects. (MacDowell has three children with former model Paul Qualley.) Now, days away from turning 60, the new drama “Love After Love” provides one of the finest roles of her life. And who doesn’t love a good comeback story?

MacDowell plays a theater teacher who observes her husband’s painful death and then grieves alongside her unsettled adult sons (portrayed by Chris O’Dowd and James Adomian) and their extended family. Intimate and elliptical, the film ― directed and co-written by Russell Harbaugh ― lets MacDowell do what she has always done best: look. She is a remarkable conversationalist onscreen, her expressions superseding the words that glide from her mouth, as if her eyes have their own dialogue.

We first saw that wisdom in “Sex, Lies and Videotape,” when she chuckled naively and covered her face while discussing masturbation. And again in “Groundhog Day,” when she leaned forward in the diner to describe her ideal man to Bill Murray. Or in “Michael,” when she winked at William Hurt while singing that silly ditty about pie. But in “Love After Love,” MacDowell’s looks are sadder, more inquisitive, reflective of a weathered existence. She wanders alone into a crowded dance party, and into the jittery arms of new relationships, and into the turmoil of domestic infighting. Watching her is like witnessing an actress reborn. How did we ever let that Andie MacDowell slip away?

In person, MacDowell’s face contains the same multitudes. She is so engaged that her Southern inflections are almost secondary to her attentive brown eyes. When I met MacDowell at her Manhattan hotel last week, the Golden Globe-nominated actress relished the richness of “Love After Love,” hailed the Me Too groundswell and detailed the peace she’s made with the career she didn’t fight to maintain.

IFC Films

Andie MacDowell in "Love After Love."

How does “Love After Love” compare to the projects offered to you in recent years?

It’s so much better than anything I’ve been offered. It’s really hard to find something like that. And you also have to think, “Oh, if there is material like that out there, there’s a lot of people out there that it could have gone to before it came to me.” When I read it, I was like, I cannot believe I’m going to get to do this. I was so excited about it and so thankful that even during the process I couldn’t believe it was happening sometimes.

It was really fulfilling to have that creative vehicle. And [Harbaugh is] totally different than any director I have ever worked with. More sensitive. He’s probably the most sensitive man that I’ve ever worked with. That was amazing. Not afraid of it, either. No fear of his sensitivity. How unusual is that! It’s not that he’s feminine, though sensitivity —

It’s attributed to feminine sensibilities, unfortunately.

It is! Yeah. Maybe that’s going to change. Maybe it’s going to be a human trait, not a female trait. I feel sorry for men being told not to cry. What a horrible thing to tell someone, because it’s not natural. He cried one day, because so much of this script is personal for him. I mean, right in front of everybody! I was kind of blown away. It’s about the loss of his father, and he went through all of that. I was blown away. And he had watched a list of beautiful movies. We watched some of them together, and I watched all of them.

What were they?

″À Nos Amours” and “Loulou,” which are directed by Maurice Pialat. If you haven’t seen them, watch them. “The Godfather.” Bergman movies, “A Scene from a Marriage.” Cassavetes. I’m telling you, it was a long list. And I was excited about that. I think this is not uncommon with new directors, and it’s a wonderful thing that they’re doing. That was exciting because it was like going back to school. I’d done all that in my 20s — I had watched all those movies, and it was nice to do that again and get the feeling of what he wanted to do.

We set up scenes really slowly. There was no push. Say we’re sitting down at the table. He would want us, in character, to have regular conversations and then get into the scene. And then whoever had the first line would just naturally find the space to get up and go into it. At the end of it, we could keep going. Most of the movie is really just his words, but I think starting and stopping in that way made it real. Nothing was forced, and it was fine to go on top of each other. And there was improv. The whole first scene was improvised. When Chris asks me about what makes you happy, that’s all improvised.

And then it became the opening scene. That’s impressive.

Yes! It’s the opening scene! I think there’s a levity to it. There’s a brightness to it that’s really important, because the movie does have such a heavy heart. And it takes a while to become bright again. You see people struggling. It’s watching people grieve, and how crazy they grieve.

I understand relationships now really well, especially parenting. And though my issues are not the same as the issues in the movie, I understand how you do that — the boundaries you break with your children, and how you get in their stuff and how they get in your stuff. I loved that because most movies don’t allow you to show psychological issues with such care. And also, to expect people to understand what’s going on, you have to be smart enough to say, “Look at what they’re doing to each other.”

Archive Photos via Getty Images

Bill Murray and Andie MacDowell in "Groundhog Day."

Knowing what you do now about relationships, do you look back at old performances and think how different they might be had you known more then?

Oh yeah. Sure. But I also think that there is something beautiful to being young and innocent. At the time that I played other characters, they were young and innocent. So I would guess that’s why it’s interesting to be where I am right now. I’m not that innocent anymore. I have to say, I know too much. It’s not like that means I’m a bad person; it’s just that I comprehend a lot more about humanity and the potential of people. I’m not naive.

So Rita, for instance, in “Groundhog Day,” would need to be innocent because she believed the world was beautiful. She wouldn’t need to know all that stuff that I know now. “Sex, Lies and Videotape,” the same thing. I would not have been as naive, and she had to be naive. But that’s what makes characters now, and the work that I can play now, interesting. It’s also what I think makes mature women sexy, just like it’s what makes a mature man sexy. It’s this knowledge.

It’s gravity.

Yes, and experience.

Since you singled out how sensitive this director was, have you encountered a lot of insensitive men over the years in your career?

It’s not just my career. I think it’s life in general. But yeah, this year has made us all think a lot. Before, if we were to complain, we were just seen as complainers or whiners expecting something we don’t deserve. I don’t think the shift is going to happen fast. I think there is so much psychological abuse that men are unconscious of that we have had to tolerate.

I’ve been saying — and it’s the truth — when I was in the process of Jungian therapy, one of my therapists understood how I felt as an independent woman struggling so much just to live in a society that kept putting on me things that I couldn’t understand. Because I was an independent woman, they always wanted me to play this person that I could no longer play. One of the things [my therapist] said was, “Don’t get upset when you read the chapter where Jung was basically saying women were insane to work outside of the house.”

So that’s the format which we have been playing with for such a long time. Change is not going to be easy, but at least we’re going to have change. I think we’re going to finally get it. In the end, I think we will all feel better. Men need to be able to cry, but we also need to be seen as equals, and not as housekeepers. I do think there’s still a layer in there, though men would say, “We’re not like that anymore.” It’s in there! I’m sorry! We are less than. And the fact that we haven’t had a woman president in this country really shows how slow progress is.

What do you make of this political moment?

You know what’s so interesting to me? Before the whole Me Too thing came out, I think there was something in the air. As soon as women put [President Donald] Trump in that box, a lot of stuff started coming up. Before Rose McGowan and all that happened, I confessed to a friend of mine something that happened to me — stuff that started bubbling up for me. And then that happened, and I was like, “I can’t believe this is happening.” There’s a whole feeling within women right now. It’s all coming up and coming out. We’re tired. We just can’t do it anymore. That’s the whole Time’s Up thing. We cannot pretend, we cannot wear this mask any longer. The mask no longer fits, and I cannot pretend to be submissive. Think about that word. Isn’t that an interesting word? Subservient. Submissive.

Less than.

Less than! Less than. To serve you. That has been our role. That’s the same thing I’m talking about that I was struggling with. I had made all the money, yet I would go into meetings with men and I would feel more comfortable if I could take a husband or a man, because I felt like they never really gave me credit.

You mean rooms with studio executives?

No, even just with business people, to go in and talk about my money I had made.

Oh, just to square away your personal finances.

Yes! And just at every level of my life, they’ve looked at me like an incapable woman. It’s insane. And how many people still say a woman is incapable of being president? You feel it — it sinks in.

Tommaso Boddi via Getty Images

Andie MacDowell at the 2015 premiere of "Magic Mike XXL."

Thankfully, the Me Too fallout seems to have hit such a fever pitch that we won’t regress back to where we were.

I don’t think so. There’s no way it’s going to disappear. We’re done. Time is up. And we can’t go back. We’ve got too far to go. It’s not going to happen overnight. We still have a lot of work to do to quit having to play that role.

I tell you, people say this to me all the time. They want me to be in a relationship. My daughters [actresses Margaret Qualley and Rainey Qualley] want me to be in a relationship. I will say to them, “I can’t do it again.” It’s going to take a really special man because I can’t play that role anymore. I just can’t do it. I can’t go back into a role with a man if he expects me to do that.

So you’re not dating?

I’m not dating. I wouldn’t mind it, but I don’t want to play that role anymore. I’ve done it before. You get in with a man, and they start expecting that. I can’t do it.

Have you thought about going public with the incident that happened to you?

What happened to me, I want to do some research about. I was young, and it’s a really big deal. I don’t want to go public with it. It was before I was in the business. I’ve thought about writing about it. I went to a friend of mine who’s a writer and said, “I would really love to do a Southern piece, and I would like to put this element in this woman’s history.” I would like to develop it.

As a fictional concept?

Yes, because I still have this idea of developing a TV show. I would love to do an ensemble piece sort of like the characters in “Love After Love” — that complex, but for a TV series. I went in to pitch this idea to her, and I told her what had happened to me and said I would love this to be a mature woman my age and for this to be part of her history. I had never told anybody this except for my daughters. And then the #MeToo happened and Rose came out.

That’s what I’m talking about: It had bubbled up to the point where I finally told someone. It was after the Trump thing, and I think psychologically it had something to do with it because I felt like, with what happened to me, these guys felt it was OK. The behavior that we’re talking about, men have been told that it’s OK. And they’ve supported each other. It is OK because they’re supported each other in treating women like that. It’s been all right.

Do you think you have more of a leg to stand on in terms of getting that project developed?

I think if I focused really hard on it I could make it happen. I just need to really set my mind to it. It’s like anything in life.

I look at other people, like Nicole Kidman and all these people, and look back and think, “At one point, I was a contender along with these people.” I feel like I lost my juice somewhere along the line.

Do you know when that happened?

I think it was important to me to have a normal life. I don’t know that you can have a normal life. It was a sweet idea, and I tried super hard. I lived in North Carolina and Montana, and I did not focus very hard on my career. I focused really hard on my children, and I had this concept that I wanted to give them something normal. I don’t know that people ever really allowed us to be normal. I think it’s super hard for people to allow someone in my position to be normal, because they like to see you as that. It’s more fun.

They want you on a pedestal.

Yeah, it’s interesting, right?

You become a figurehead for aspiration.

It’s part of the fantasy of the world.

“I know I won’t have her life, but there she is, so I can at least imagine it.”

Yes, that! They want you to be that. The good thing is, at the same time, I think I’m super ambitious. In getting out of that whole world, I did focus on my children, so there was a positive. They didn’t really know that much about what I did. It was not a part of our dialogue, and it did help me to just be a mom. But at the same time, it made me lose the inspiration, in a sense, to be more creative in my work. And it’s just a matter of finding that kind of levity and energy and making it happen when you haven’t been in the loop.

You’re right, though. Through a lot of the ’90s, you were one of the it-girls, so to speak.

I was in the mix. That would be the word.

You could have had Julia Roberts’ career if you’d wanted it.

I could have done a lot more. I could have started a production company and made more happen. But also, at the same time, there was one year right away when my success really took off and I did three movies. And I felt like I just didn’t see my children, and I didn’t like that.

I had read an article written by a man who was about my age, 60, and he had written about regrets. He said, “You’ll never regret not working. You will regret not spending time with your family.” I listened! I made sure that was my priority. But now they’re gone, so I do have the time, if I can just focus and connect.

I’ve never lived in Los Angeles, so I’m starting to make connections. I’m trying to reach out to younger people and keep my mind open. Maybe I can make it happen.

Michael Ochs Archives via Getty Images

Andie MacDowell and Gerard Depardieu in "Green Card."

You sound fairly zen about the whole thing. Was there ever a moment when you were more resentful about how that panned out?

Hmm, I’m trying to think of what I said to a friend of mine. Not resentful. That’s not how I feel. I almost felt like, what did I do wrong? What could I have done more? That kind of thing. How did I not end up more connected? I’ll look at people who are making it happen and they’ve got it all going on, with the production companies, and think, where was the disconnect for me? And I think it was living in North Carolina and focusing on my kids. But I’m glad I did.

I know it’s kind of late in the day to spark that energy, but …

People love a comeback story.

It still could happen.

After all, you were the talk of “Magic Mike XXL.”

Well, that was another case. When you disappear like that and you feel so disconnected, like you’re just completely nobody, you’re excited for an opportunity. It didn’t matter how small it was. I just wanted to be in the movie, please, and work on a movie with [“Sex, Lies and Videotape” director Steven Soderbergh] and be with all these wonderful people.

And watch some hot men dance.

And watch some hot men dance! It was a lot of fun. Being in the room with those guys was hysterical. And I think they were happy to have me there. It was only three nights. Talk about changing time zones. I worked really hard to get into that time zone because we were working nights.

When you look back, do you think about doors that could have opened had you taken different roles?

Yeah, I think everybody thinks that, I’m sure. There’s a lot of things I could have done differently.

Were you offered “The Silence of the Lambs,” or is that just a rumor?

No, I wasn’t offered “Silence of the Lambs.” That’s a mistake. And it’s not only what you were offered, but I’ll look back at opportunities and say, “If I hadn’t been consumed with my personal life at that moment, I would have gotten that.” There are a lot of cases like that, and I’m not going to say which movies. But you’ve got to have a personal life, right? That is the hard thing to balance. It’s not an easy process. And I also had my kids young. A lot of people wait. I had my kids in the height of my career, so I had a lot going on.

At this point, how many scripts are you reading in any given year?

Not enough. [Laughs] And I would also be open to taking smaller roles, like “Magic Mike.” Sometimes I think, why am I not more connected with all these people that they would remember me and I could play quirky roles? What did I do wrong? I maybe didn’t befriend people enough or get close enough to people. How do I get in there and just play these offbeat characters? I’d be willing to do that.

Right as you were dipping out of the limelight, it seemed like people were starting to whisper more about the lack of roles for women of a certain age, which has since become a pressing topic in Hollywood.

Yeah, and they weren’t even whispering. They felt very comfortable asking that question: “How does it feel to know you’re not going to work anymore?” Isn’t that amazing? They’re not going to feel comfortable asking it anymore, you would think. They’ll look stupid. But everybody asked it. It was a normal question to ask.

You were asked that question specifically?

Oh, so many times! That’s what I’m talking about: It’s been so normal to treat us like that. It’s the same thing as thinking that women don’t age well. That’s a concept that women believe, too. I keep saying to them, “It’s not true, you guys. They age, too — they’ve just tricked us.” Think about it!

I told this to another guy the other day, and it’s true: If you put a man with a woman who’s 25 years younger on the screen, automatically he looks sexy. The concept keeps happening — it’s happened for so long that we project that energy onto him because we’ve been taught it. Men look alluring, they look sexy. If you did that with women, we, too, would look alluring and sexy.

And when women get to be older than their love interests, it’s treated as a punchline, like “Harold and Maude.” That’s an extreme example of an age difference, but it speaks to what you’re saying.

Right, and I’m just talking about a 10-year age difference. We would look like our power was sexy. “I’m a rich, powerful woman. Why can’t I be just like a rich, powerful man?” And it’s not so much that I even want it.

You want the opportunity.

I want women to be seen as as sexy as men, and I don’t want women to feel bad about themselves. That’s what has happened to us. We’ve been taught that we age out. Men become sexier, and we become trash. It’s not a good way to live. From 40 to 60, we could have such better lives. And mine’s gone! I’m turning 60, so I’m fighting for all those other people. I want my daughters to feel good about themselves.

This interview has been edited for clarity and condensed for length.

RELATED...

It's Time To Take John Krasinski Seriously As A Director

In 'Thoroughbreds,' Murderous Teen Girls Continue The Grand Tradition Of Psychodramas

Lois Smith's Life Unfolds On Stage And Screen. In 2017, It's All Paying Off.

Download

BEFORE YOU GO

Matthew Jacobs

Entertainment Reporter, HuffPost

Suggest a correction

MORE:

MoviesWomen In HollywoodGroundhog DayAndie Macdowell

Reference source : Andie MacDowell Is Back, And We Should Never Have Let Her Go