#do what presumably everyone else with the hots for me is doing and crank that shit? hello??

[transmechanicus]

im really horny for you i think. what should i do about it.. girl help

Jack off to an elaborate fantasy hookup with me until you nut 8 times in a row, be sure my outfit is cute👍🏻

[reallylilyreally]

For the Send me a fic of mine and I'll answer...

Since you've already been asked about At Your Heels and Breathe Through the Bruises, how about Nine Mothers' Sons?

ahhhhhhhhh nine mothers' sons, probably my favourite thing i've ever written

My favorite scene

Ooooh. Hmmm. There are a lot of moments in this fic that i ADORE but i think it has to be the ending:

“What was it like,” James asks him.

Brilliant. Terrible. Cold. Boring. Beautiful. 

“Which bit?” Johnny bites back, no snap.

James laughs. “I dunno,” he says, as if he’s aware he’s being an idiot. “What was the best bit?”

“The best bit of being a bomber pilot?” Johnny asks him.

He thinks of the clear, beautiful blue of the sky, open around him like more ocean than you could ever imagine. Thinks of the crackle of flame over the hardstands, the buzz of the bars, the way Benny’s wrist fit perfectly in his palm, the look on Bucky’s face when he played Blue Skies on the saxophone. He thinks of the extra chain next to Solly’s dog tags, Ham’s gold tooth in the dark, Crank’s wooden forts, Buck and Macon doing calculus, Jefferson drawing girls he didn't know, Ev Blakeley coming back from the dead, Johnny Hoerr on his right for twenty flights.

He takes a sip of his whiskey, lets it sit in his mouth for a moment, lets it burn.

“The best bit of being a bomber pilot is the crew,” he says.

I didn't really know where I was going and then I got to "what was it like" and i had this... magic moment? where all of a sudden i knew EXACTLY what i wanted to say and it was like i was possessed by the spirit of John Brady.

Also this:

John Brady kills three men with his bare hands that day, and doesn’t for a moment feel anything like guilt the whole of the rest of his life.

I wrote that and had to take a moment.

Hardest scene to write

Oof. This.

Who's going to protect Bucky from the weight of his grief now? Brady, apparently.

“Alright, Major?” He says, for want of anything better.

Bucky looks up at him, eyes red and startlingly clear for the amount he's presumably drunk. It's barely afternoon.

“Little John,” he says, dredging the snide name all the way up from flight school, and he's only slightly slurring. “Draw the short straw?”

There's a pause where Brady doesn't know what to say, and then Bucky lets out a nasty bark of laughter.

“No, wait, I know why you're here. It's because everyone else is dead, isn't it, Johnny?”

Brady sighs. “C’mon Bucky, time to go.”

Bucky stares at him. “Night's young, Little John.”

“It's the middle of the afternoon. We're flying tomorrow.”

“Lucky us,” Bucky says. He gestures at the publican. “Have a drink with me, Little John, just one, and then I'll come when you call like a good dog.”

Something about the turn of phrase turns Brady's stomach. The way the other man is calling him Little John makes him feel hot and cold and furious and he misses Buck, badly. The publican looks at him with concern, almost a request for direction.

“Two whiskeys,” Brady tells him, and Bucky does that nasty hollow laugh again.

They drink in silence. Bucky is staring into the rows of bottles behind the bar like he's seeing the endless horizon for the first time. At rest, he looks slightly shocked. He's not telling himself a story now, there's no Boys Own Adventure playing today. He's a man with the bottom dropping out of the world.

“I'm so sorry, John,” Brady says, even though he knows better.

Bucky bares his teeth. “Don't make me break your nose, Johnny,” he says. “You've got no fucking idea.”

He's abruptly furious. “Who was in the right hand seat, Bucky?”

Bucky stares at him.

“Who was sitting next to Buck when Our Baby went down? Who was it?”

“Who was it?”

He doesn't really need to hear Brady say it. 

“Benny,” Brady says anyway. “Benny was. So don't you tell me I've got no fucking idea. Might not be quite the same but it's close enough. Finish your god damn whiskey, we're going home.”

Dealing with Bucky's grief in a way that left room for interpretation while still allowing Brady to be really angry at him while also being kind? I felt like I was just flailing around, really.

Favorite character to write in the fic

Johnny Brady is my best girl and I'm not sorry. I love that man.

Favorite dynamic to write in the fic

For the last second string i said Brady/Bucky, and I do love that dynamic, but in this fic I think I'd say Brady/Benny. That steady love and support and acceptance. And of course, holy co-dependency, batman.

Why I chose that title

This was my first time writing a fic with such a strong recurring motif, and I think i was worried people might miss it?? dunno how. but i stuck it in the title just in case.

A fun fact about the fic

I fully imagined Brady and Benny as a totally platonic relationship all the way through this and only got bitten by the bug after.

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

Fully Completely 2

Warnings: non-consent sex and rape (series), violence, mutual irritation.

This is dark!Loki x reader and explicit. 18+ only.  Your media consumption is your own responsibility. Warnings have been given. DO NOT PROCEED if these matters upset you.

Series Synopsis: There’s a new face in Birch and he’s come to haunt your door.

Sister series to Smalltown Bringdown, When the Weight Comes Down, and Little Bones

Note: Here’s part two and things are getting aggressive fast.

Thanks to everyone for their patience and feedback. :)

I really hope you enjoy. 💋

<3 Let me know what you think with a like or reblog or reply or an ask! Love ya!

Chapter 2: Either it'll move me

💀💀💀

Usually your work kept you busy and if you were busy, you were content. Not that day. Not since that man ruined your lunch. You were so worked up that when you got back to the garage, you didn’t even finish your sandwich. You barely got anything done as what you did had to be redone in your distraction.

The night was little better as you planned to get the car done so the next time Loki bothered you, you could tell him to fuck off. If his headlight did come in before he left town, you’d send it down to Carl’s to have the work done. You would take the cost from what Bucky gave you to cover your time.

You were on your second coffee by the time you headed down to the garage, your apartment conveniently above as your existence was relegated to that single lot in Birch. At the bottom step you paused as you sipped from the travel mug and listened to the unexpected noise from behind the black door.

You locked all the doors at night, even that between the entryway and the garage that you kept propped open during the day. You stepped closer and tested the handle and bent to examine the lock. You glanced over at the painted front door and found that both had been picked.

Your fingers tightened on the mug. The last person to break into your garage, well, they weren’t around to bother you anymore after Jerome found out. You swung the door open and hauled the hot coffee across the garage towards the only sign of movement.

Loki sidestepped the splash, a few drops along his dark jacket, and continued to tighten and untighten the wrench. He looked at you nonchalantly and his mouth slanted. He shook his head as he let the tool hang perilously from his hand.

“Is this how you treat all your customers? This ungainly assault,” he peered down at the overturned cup beside his car.

“What the fuck are you doing in my garage?” you huffed as you marched over to him and reached for the wrench.

He gripped it tighter as you tried to snatch it from him and held you close as he sneered down at you.

“Two days,” he said “correct?”

“Tomorrow by my count,” you rebuked and pulled harder on the wrench, “not that it gives you any right to break into my garage and touch my stuff.” He let you yank the metal free of your grasp and you pointed it at his chin, “so leave or this time I won’t miss.”

He chuckled, barely bothered by the tool pointed at him as his green eyes sparkled, “your count is incorrect. I might be early but your work is due this evening so I will wait.”

“Not here,” you waved the wrench at him and grabbed his arm, “so get out and come back later then.”

His hand covered yours and he pried your fingers from him. He twisted your hand back and you gasped and swung the wrench with your other. You hit his shoulder as he raised his arm in defense and grunted at the sharp impact. He let you go and you swung again. He dodged and shoved you away from him.

“Do not presume to put your hands on me,” he warned, “you know who my brother is, that I associate with your cute local chapter--”

“I’m not one of them and I don’t report to them,” you snarled, “so get out now or you won’t be associating with anyone.”

“Mouthy little bitch,” he slithered, “you touch me again, or even attempt it--”

“I said get out,” you hit the hood of his car and left a dent, “It’ll be another day at least.”

His nostrils flared and his eyes narrowed. He fixed his jacket and sighed. He raised his chin and stiffly strode across the garage and through the black door. You followed feet behind him and made sure he continued outside. You cranked the lock behind him and listened to his footsteps crunch through the snow.

You might not report to Bucky and his goons but he was going to keep the rabble in line.

💀

It was just after noon but you knew Bucky would already be at The Asp. You ventured down the street in your heavy boots, your jacket flapping open in the wind as you were set on your destination and the conversation that awaited you. You nodded at the man who leaned a few feet from the door and sucked on a cigarette.

You entered and shook the snow off your lined denim jacket and kicked off your boots. You looked around at the mostly empty bar. You rarely went there as it was more trouble than you needed. The men were drunk and dirty and like many places in Birch, you just didn’t fit. You didn’t want to fit.

Bucky sat at his usual table, a woman you recognized beside him. She had been a year or two ahead of you in school and a couple behind Bucky himself. You knew she was his new girl but she never really looked happy about it. Knowing him, it didn’t surprise you. He always wanted more than he got.

You crossed to him and stood in front of the round table as his right-hand thug watched you curiously. You raised a brow at Steve and focused on the boss.

“We need to talk,” you said plainly.

“We do?” he asked genuinely confused, “I owe you something?”

“You do and you don’t. I’m not here about money,” you replied, “but it’s important.”

“Alright,” he pointed to the chair in front of you and gestured to his companions, planting a kiss on the woman’s lips before she stood, her lips slightly curled at the corner, and left you. He shifted in his chair as they went and nodded when he was ready, “sorry, if I knew you were on your way, I would’ve kept her in the back.”

You scoffed and shook your head. He was always obtusely arrogant. “I stopped fucking you, Buck, I don’t care who you’re with now.”

“Yeah, yeah, I remember,” he inhaled and placed his hand against the table, “so what is it?”

“This guy, Loki,” you began, “brought his car to me two nights ago.”

“Mhmm, I sent him down. I know I should come down myself but--”

“Please, you hate going down there,” you waved his words away, “it’s not about the car, it’s about him.”

“What about him?”

“He broke into my shop this morning. There was… well, I got a few licks in and for the sake of you I’ve held back but you need to keep him away from me. I’ll fix his car but I’m not dealing with him anymore. He’s a pompous asshole who thinks he can just do whatever he wants.” You stopped yourself, usually not one to go on at length, “he’s your… associate, as he would say it, so he can deal with you, not me.”

He considered you and pulled his hand back to scratch the stubble along his jaw. His blue eyes were intrigued if not surprised.

“He… coming onto you?” he asked.

“No,” you blinked at him dully, “no, he’s just annoying me. You promised me the shop would be my space. He picked my locks, Buck, so you let him know what’s what.”

“He’s new in town,” Bucky sighed, “but I’ll talk to him.”

“You better,” you stood, “because I don’t care about whatever business you got going on, the next time, I’m gonna pop his eye out with a--”

“Don’t be dramatic,” he snipped, “I’ll take care of him, alright?”

“You better,” you said as you backed away, “or you can find someone else to fix up your bikes.”

“Really? You know it won’t come to that,” he sat forward in irritation, “go, he won’t bother you.”

💀

The next day you looked over the front of the car. Aside from the cracked headlight, it was as good as new. You rolled up the garage door and took the keys from the hook. You drove the car out and steered it along the snowy street and parked just outside The Asp. You got out and headed inside to hand off the keys to Bucky with a promise that you would take care of the light when it came in as long as he kept Loki away.

You returned to the garage to close the door and checked the time. You were overdue for lunch and hadn’t been back to The Chipped Saucer since that eventful day. You were hungry and too lazy to climb up to your apartment and dig through your fridge. 

You crossed the street and entered the diner as Kimmie looked up from the harlequin novel she hid behind as she stood by the till. She marked her page and closed it before she grabbed the carafe from the machine and crossed to your table. She poured you a mug and confirmed your usual order.

There were a few of the older residents enjoying pie and coffee at the other tables but the snow still kept many in their own houses. You might try the strawberry rhubarb before you went. You didn’t indulge in sweets often but it smelled good.

Kimmie brought your sandwich and as you finished the first triangle, you were disturbed by the last voice you wanted to hear. You didn’t look back as the door chimed behind the new patron and you continued chewing as you once more reviewed the newsletter. 

To your chagrin but not unexpectedly, the figure appeared at your table side. You bit into the next portion of your club sandwich and ignored him.

“Hello, darling,” Loki sat across from you as he had days before, “I saw that you attended to my vehicle at last. Fine work, I must say. I do hope the headlight arrives soon.”

You said nothing and kept eating as you looked out the window and slid the newsletter aside with your other hand. You took the last gulp of your coffee and swallowed. You raised your cup and looked around, “‘scuse me,” you called out, “when you have a second.”

He laughed to himself and you felt his gaze on you. You pushed aside your uneaten crust and went about your meal as if he wasn’t there. When Kimmie refilled your coffee, he ordered a tea and a bowl of the daily soup. 

You barely withheld your grimace as you watched Babs across the street by her bakery. She dusted snow off the open sign before she retreated back inside.

“I’m pleasantly surprised by the food here,” he mused as he stirred a plume of milk into his tea.

“Can’t you take a hint?” you snapped, “I don’t want you near me.”

“Believe me, at first, the feeling was mutual, darling,” he said.

“I told you not to call me that,” you frowned at him directly and he smirked.

“I like the way it makes your eyes go,” he taunted, “admittedly, that first meeting I would’ve liked nothing other than to never encounter you again but the more I poke and prod you, the more intrigued I am.”

“If you don’t stop--”

“You’ll go back to Barnes, hmm?” he intoned, “yes, he did speak with me but I might enlighten you on one fact. The man requires my business more than a mechanic, especially as there seems to be healthy competition in town.”

“You have your car, you’ll have the headlight done, and you can be on your way out of town,” you growled, “and you can be far away from me. Whatever stupid game you’re playing at, I’m not biting. I meant it when I said I won’t miss--”

“Darling, this is not an invitation,” his eyes strayed from your face for just a moment and he considered the buttons of your flannel shirt, “a man like me doesn’t ask, he expects.”

Your eyes rolled so hard it hurt. You pushed your plate away and pulled out your wallet. You left your tab on the table and stood. You shrugged into your jacket and glanced out the window at the white main street.

“Whatever you expect, it’s not going to happen,” you rebuffed, “but I told you what you can expect if you come around me again.”

You left as you had days before and stormed across the street without looking. You dodged out of the way of a slow rolling Ford as it honked and you waved them off. You stomped up to the front of your shop and realised too late you were being followed.

You spun around at the door to face Loki as he slid to a stop. He grabbed your arm and drew you back from the painted wood. You hit his chest and he barely flinched as he flicked your chin with his finger.

“Oh, darling, let’s not drag this out, I do love that temper--”

“Get off--” you pushed him and he nearly slipped and took you down with him as his leather soles held no traction on the frozen ground.

He threw you back and you hit the corner of the doorframe and gasped out as it forced the air from you. 

“I promise you, it won’t last. I will damp out that flame and bask in the smoke,” he neared again and you kicked out. He fell to his knees as the force of it had you on your ass. 

You crawled away from the wall as he tried to stand and you grabbed onto his leg and pulled him back down. He slid back to his kneeS and gripped the collar of your coat. You hooked your arm around his neck and he jabbed your stomach, not as hard as he could, but a warning.

You brought your other arm up as you struggled to get a foothold and you managed to push you both back. You fell in tandem into the snow, your arms locked as he forced his fingers under them to keep them from snaking tighter. He was strong and you knew you could only do so much. You had to keep him on the ground.

He elbowed your ribs and you released him sharply. You rolled away from him as you panted and scrambled on your hands and knees. The frigid snow seeped through your jeans and burned your palms. You heard him behind you and you turned as you climbed to your feet unsteadily.

He was half-keeled as he got his feet set and his dark hair hung over his forehead as he glared through the strands. He stood straight and pushed back the mess of tangles and you faced him, ready for another brawl.

“Oh, this will be fun, darling,” he brushed the powder from his suit and his cheek twitched, “You needn’t worry about Barnes, you should be more worried about me.”

He puffed out a breath and spun swiftly, nearly slipping again on the icy walk. He headed back down to the street and you saw the tension between his shoulders as he pulled his jacket straight. He hurried across the road and you turned back to the garage.

It was a brief retreat, a chance to plot, you knew that much. You only had to outlast him and if you were anything, it was stubborn.

[seongsangi]

playing games

pairing: jaehyun x reader x jaemin

summary: you meet jaehyun and jaemin for the first time at a lake house during summer break. they quickly take a liking to you, pulling you into a game you don't want to lose.

word count: 8.2k+

genre: more smutttt

warnings/tags: a little bit of drinking, this one’s kinda nasty (in a good way)...

You and your best friend went to different colleges, but you kept in touch with each other every day. It was hard not seeing her all the time like you used to, so you and her would spend time together every summer and winter break. Sometimes she'd come home and sometimes you'd take a trip up to see her. This summer break, it was your turn to visit her and spend a few weeks together before coming back home.

As the days passed by just enjoying each other's company at her cozy studio apartment, she gets a text from her friends from school. They want to go to a lake house and spend a week there with a group of friends. It'll be 8 people in total: you, your friend, her two other girl friends (call them S and M), and a few guys named Jaehyun, Jaemin, Lucas, Taeyong, and Johnny. You told your friend that you might feel a little awkward around them, especially since you've never met them before but she assures you that they're all easy to get along with and they love meeting new people.

"Trust me, you'll love them! Don't be shyyy, would you rather stay here with me in my boring apartment or you wanna go to the lake?" You sigh, admitting that having a little getaway in a lakehouse does sound like fun.

You all plan to meet up the next day and take two cars, guys and girls riding separately. The drive is two hours away, but you quickly become friends with the girls in the car, playing loud music as you drive down the highway singing your hearts out and talking about the guys riding in the car behind them.

Your friend slips that S and M have crushes on Johnny and Taeyong and that's mainly the reason why they planned this getaway.

"What the hell, so you didn't tell Y/N that you like Lucas?" One of them asks defensively. You look at your friend in disbelief because she didn't mention that she liked anyone, much less someone you're going on a trip with!

"BITCH WHO IS LUCAS TELL ME ALL ABOUT HIM??" You quickly badger your friend, now excited to meet the guy she likes and has been keeping a secret from you. You're not mad about it, you're more happy for her that she finally found someone.

"Chilllll, I don't like him like thattt," she drags, obviously lying. "But I do like being around him... he's so hot but such a dork at the same time and makes me feel all giddy whenever I'm with him or talk to him."

"Do you think he likes you back?" you ask.

"I don't know, maybe? I haven't asked but we do talk quite a bit so the feeling might be mutual. Damn, I don't know, I guess I'll take my chances and find out this week," she winks at you and you're already egging her on. You were so pumped to meet the guys they like.

You ask, "What about the other two guys? Jaehyun and Jaemin?" They were too busy talking about their own crushes that no one mentioned them.

"They're cool, we don't have anything against them, I just like Taeyong more," S chimes in and you swear you could see her turn into the heart eyes emoji.

"Yeah, those guys hang out in their own circle, they're always together so we invited everyone to hang out. I would have felt weird if I didn't invite them too," M adds.

Your friend nudges you with her elbow, "They're both single... you never know what could happen." She's always teasing you, and you slap her arm. Everyone laughs, thinking nothing more of it.

Once you get to the lake house, you're shocked by how nice it looks just on the outside. And the inside is to die for. There are five bedrooms and three bathrooms. Jaehyun and Jaemin in one room while Johnny, Lucas, and Taeyong in another. You and your friend share one, while S and M in another. There'll be an extra master bedroom not used by anyone, presumably where M's parents would stay when they come up here. The bathrooms look like they came straight out of a home makeover show. You note that M's parents must be loaded to have such an extravagant place. As you walk around the house, you notice there's a boat in the garage.

"You didn't tell us you had a boat!" You say to her, eager to get out on the lake already.

"Oh, shit I didn't? Go get dressed, we'll take it for a spin when the guys get here." You set your stuff down in the room you share with your best friend, and put on the cute new royal blue bathing suit you bought for the occasion, your favorite color.

"Damnnn, that looks good as hell on you," your best friend comments, making you shy. "You might just steal all our men while you're here," she teases. You both laugh it off, hyping your friend up when she puts on her pink bathing suit and head out to the back.

Just then, the guys pull up and you and your friend walk to their car to introduce yourself. As they get out of the car, you're stunned by how good looking they all are. You've never seen a group of guys that attractive. You can definitely see why the girls fell for them.

"Finally, you're here!" Your friend yells, giving them all a hug as you stand by. "We're about to get on the boat, so go get dressed. But first, this is my best friend Y/N! She's from my hometown and she's visiting me right now so she came along too."

You exchange greetings with everyone, trying to remember their names since this is the first time you're meeting them. You pay special attention to Lucas since he's the one your best friend has her eyes on, and you can't blame her. He's hella tall, has a gorgeous smile, contagious laugh, and his voice is much deeper than you expected it to be. Johnny is the tallest one and he's got a cute smile that could draw any girl in. Taeyong has these sharp eyes that you could get lost in and see why S is all heart eyes for him.

Jaehyun and Jaemin are the two that really catch your eye though. Jaehyun has deep dimples that make your heart swoon and Jaemin beams down at you with a bright smile to match that perfect face of his, you swear he's not even real. Neither of them seem real to you, and you suddenly feel nervous again. You know the other three guys are off limits but you know these two are single, suddenly becoming very aware that while everyone else is trying to get in each other's pants, you three don't have any attraction towards each other. You tell yourself it's gonna be awkward around these three couples.

As the boys are unloading their stuff from the car, you and your friend head to the garage where S and M are waiting. You don't notice the way Jaehyun and Jaemin look at each other before they turn their gaze to you, thinking to themselves that this trip might not be bad after all.

Lucas and Jaehyun brought out a cooler full of drinks, obviously ready to get the party started. "Someone's gotta drive the boat though, so they can't drink." You all play rock paper scissors, and Johnny ends up having to drive. You can tell he's super disappointed about not being able to drink.

"You lost, Suh, now take us out on the lake." Lucas mocks, popping open a can of beer and teasing Johnny. He cranks up the music and everyone gets to chatting with one another. You love the way the wind whips past you as Johnny speeds up. You take in the beautiful view of the blue water, stretching as far as you can see. Houses are lined along the shore, taking notice of how extravagant each of them look. The sun is hot and beaming right on you from where you're sitting at the front of the boat with no shade. You pull out some sunscreen from your bag, not wanting to get burned as you so easily do.

"Oh, damn I forgot mine. Could I get some of yours?" Jaehyun asks across from you. You hand it to him with a soft smile, and his hand brushes past yours as he reaches for it. You're sure that wouldn't have happened with the way you handed it to him unless he did it on purpose, but you shrug it off. As he's putting the sunscreen on, you can't help but take a longer look at him, noticing his defined abs and beautiful skin. He's quite literally glowing, but you don't know if it's the sun or if that's how he actually looks...

He looks up for a second and you quickly turn your head away, not trying to get caught staring at someone you just met 10 minutes ago.

"Where'd you get this from?" Jaemin asks as Jaehyun hands the tube to him. 

"Y/N let me borrow it, put some on unless you wanna get burned." Jaemin takes his shirt off before lathering the sunscreen on, and again, you're staring at someone you just met 10 minutes ago. Jaemin is less toned than Jaehyun, but he's got broad shoulders that you can't help but look at. Jaehyun is looking off into the distance, and Jaemin is too busy putting sunscreen on that neither of them notice your eyes darting back and forth between the two. You don't know who you're more interested in, but from the way they look right now, it might just be both...

"Y/N!!! Want a drink?" She holds up a bottle of Ciroq and you're having a flashback to the last time you went on a boat ride.  

"Bitch, you know what happened last time," you yell back at her. She laughs, clearly remembering. "Just don't drink so much this time!" You comply, taking a quick swig of the bottle instead of opting for a mixed drink. A few sips wouldn't hurt, you tell yourself.

"Can you pour us some?" Jaemin asks, holding his and Jaehyun's cup out, half full of Sprite already.

"Tell me when," you say as you start pouring. He doesn't say when until both their cups are half Sprite, half Ciroq.

"Damn, that's a lot though," you comment, knowing you wouldn't be able to handle what they're having. They both just laugh as you give the bottle back to your friend and take your seat again across from them.

"So tell us about what happened last time," Jaehyun says to you, intrigued to hear your story. You suddenly feel embarrassed, not wanting to tell them how much you drank and how messed up you were afterwards. It's not a time you would like to go back to, but you can't say you didn't have good laughs thinking about it afterwards. You tell them what happened and they're in disbelief, laughing with you over how silly the story sounds. You got so drunk off the green apple that you were crying the entire car ride home. You don't even know what you were crying about, that's just how fucked up you were.

"You only took like three swigs and you were THAT fucked up?" Jaehyun asks, already halfway through his drink. You're staring at him like HE'S the crazy one, drinking so much in such a short time.

"Yeah, well, I've never been good at handling my alcohol. Give me that, you can't have any more, you're gonna end up like me." You reach to grab his drink out of his hands but he holds it away from him and you almost fall on top of him. He laughs as you stumble, taking another swig and boasting that he's pretty good with drinking.

"We both are, unlike someone," Jaemin teases, obviously talking about you. You roll your eyes at the remark, feigning annoyance before you successfully grab Jaemin's cup from his hand since you couldn't get Jaehyun's.

"I made half the drink for you, I think I can have it now," you say with a smile, teasing him back. He stares at you as you take a drink from his cup, keeping your eyes locked on him so you can feel like you got the upper hand. You feel more comfortable with them now even though you haven't been here for long. I guess people really can bond over drinks.

The boat comes to a halt and Johnny announces, "If anyone wants to go swim, do it now. We're just gonna chill here for a bit." Taeyong, Lucas, Johnny, and the girls are excited, finally getting a chance to get in the water.

"Are you gonna go?" Jaehyun asks, nodding his head to the group of people jumping into the water.

"No, I can't swim. Are you guys gonna go?" Jaehyun shakes his head while Jaemin is getting revved up to jump in the water too. You watch him as he dives in and comes back up, hair wet and that beautiful smile on his face. You turn your body around to face the crowd, watching them splash each other and have a good time, leaving Jaehyun to admire you without you knowing. He's tracing the curves of your body, loving the way the royal blue looks on you. He's only seen you in one outfit, but he's sure that color suits you the best. He's staring hard, and he's glad no one can see the way he's devouring you with his eyes. He gets up and stands next to you, resting his hands on the edge of the boat, watching all his friends but he just wanted an excuse to get closer to you.

Your best friend swims towards the boat and suddenly splashes water at you, laughing as you retreat from her attack. Everyone else joins in, splashing water into the boat at you and Jaehyun since neither of you were getting in the water.

"Stop, you're getting everything wet!" You yell at them, throwing your bag to the other side to protect your belongings. They eventually stop and go back to swimming, leaving you and Jaehyun to wipe the seats down. You decide if you weren't going to swim, then you were going to have fun in your own way. You down the rest of Jaemin's drink as Jaehyun stares at you incredulously. "Hold on, don't go too crazy."

You make your way to the cooler, grabbing a Seagram and telling him not to worry. "I'm a big girl, I can handle this much," you smile at him. You both take your seats as everyone starts to get on the boat again. The sun is starting to set and Johnny makes his way back to the house. Jaemin approaches his seat, wiping his body and hair with the towel he brought, looking a little too good with wet hair.

"The water was so cold at first," he says, telling Jaehyun he should have went in.

"I didn't want to leave Y/N alone," he says so you couldn't hear. Jaemin catches on quickly, knowing that Jaehyun has taken a bit of a liking to you. He watches as you stare at the water and lets his eyes roam your body, much like Jaehyun did earlier. He can see why Jaehyun would be a bit attracted to you, he couldn't help but feel a little pull himself. The way your bathing suit accentuates your breasts has him imagining all sorts of things.

"Y/N, did you have fun today?" Jaemin calls out to you, drawing you from your thoughts. You turn a bit too fast to look at them and you can tell the alcohol is kicking in. Your head feels heavy and the boat is moving so fast, you don't know if you can keep up. You don't feel as drunk as you did last time, but you're definitely feeling something.

"Yeah, I had fun," you reply, finishing the last of your drink and getting up to throw it away in the trash bag someone brought along. You can't tell if you're wobbly because the boat is moving or if it's because you're actually wobbly from the drinks. "Oh shit, maybe I shouldn't have drank Jaemin's drink," you laugh at Jaehyun, who shakes his head in an "I told you so" manner.

"You drank it all? There was still a lot left," Jaemin asks in disbelief. "You were just telling us you're bad with alcohol." "What can I say? I already drank it all," you shrug at him with a smile.

"You're crazy," he laughs, "but we'll take good care of you if you want."

You don't know what he means by that, but you're imagining it's not as innocent as it may seem.

When you make your way back to the house, everyone heads off to shower. You all meet downstairs afterwards. S and M are making dinner with the help of Johnny and Taeyong. You see your best friend and Lucas on the couch, watching something on TV. You don't see Jaehyun or Jaemin, thinking they're probably still in their room. 

Wait, they didn't give me back my sunscreen. You head upstairs to their room and knock on the door, to which someone says "It's open." You peek into the room and see Jaehyun lounging on the bed and Jaemin in the bathroom with the door wide open. He's only dressed in a towel and wiping his hair, presumably fresh out the shower. You avert your eyes quickly, not wanting to stare for any longer than you have to. Jaehyun perks up at the sight of you and asks what's up.

"Uh, I just wanted to ask for my sunscreen," you say from the door, not wanting to step fully into their room.

"Oh, it's in our bag somewhere, just come in, I'll get it for you." Jaehyun hops off the bed and turns to the bathroom to look for it. You walk in and stand awkwardly by the door. Jaemin comes out and you're trying your best not to gawk at him, knowing he's got nothing but a towel on. He smirks, and you can just feel it without even looking at him. You watch the TV and notice some movie is on. "Jaehyun, are you watching Insidious?" you ask him, trying to distract yourself from the fine ass man in your periphery. It's one of your favorite horror movies and you'd recognize it anywhere.

"Yeah it was just playing so I was watching it. I think I left it on the boat, sorry about that. I'll get it for you tomorrow," he says, coming back into the room. "It's okay! Sooo, can I watch the movie with you?" He hums in agreement, jumping back in bed as you sit on the edge, not wanting to get too close to him. Jaemin comes into view fully dressed this time, thank goodness. He lays in bed next to Jaehyun and all three of you watch. The part that scared you the most when you first watched it is about to come up, and you cover your eyes.

"I like scary movies but I still cover my eyes when I know something's about to happen," you say out loud to them. Sneaky Jaemin is inching closer to you, waiting for the scene you're talking about to come up. He grabs you and screams at the same time the scene you're dreading pops up, making you jump and scream even louder. Your heart races and you yell "What the fuck, Jaemin!" The two are laughing at your reaction and you slap him on his arm.

"You can't tell me that wasn't funny," he mocks you and you're ready to beat his ass before you hear someone yell "dinner's ready." You storm out of their room embarrassed.

The next few days you guys spend together are filled with the same antics, Jaemin teasing you and Jaehyun laughing at everything you two do. You're getting real tired of both of them at this point, Jaemin for never leaving you alone and Jaehyun for egging him on every time. But you can't say you don't enjoy spending time with them. They always manage to make you laugh even if they do frustrate the hell out of you sometimes. You find yourself gravitating towards them, since the other couples are also focused on themselves. You didn't want to cockblock anyone, so you let them have their alone time together whenever you saw them around the house. You notice your best friend leaves your shared room late at night, gone for a few hours doing who knows what with Lucas.

Jaemin was always getting on your nerves, jump scaring you every chance he got. When you turn a corner, he'd be there to surprise you. When you turn around and almost bump into him, he'd tell you to watch where you're going but it's obvious he was the one getting in your way. You've thrown so many punches his way to get him to stop messing with you, but he just says it's fun every single time with that annoying ass perfect smile of his. Jaehyun on the other hand was more flirty with you and you've definitely noticed. He wasn't exactly being subtle with it either. He'd say "good morning beautiful" to you when he got the chance, or he'd always choose the seat next to you when there are plenty of other ones open. He'd smile at you with those cute ass dimples and you'd look away quickly, not wanting to fall for his charm. His hand would brush against yours or he'd hold your waist to get past you, feigning an "excuse me" just to touch you. You'd look up and catch him staring at you, and he doesn't even look away when you notice. It's like he's challenging you, knowing he's getting under your skin and making you feel some type of way.

One evening, you wake up from a nap to a quiet house. A text from your best friend says they went out to get food for dinner and it's just you, Jaehyun, and Jaemin at home. You dread it already, you don't even want to be alone with them and have to put up with their antics again. You walk into the kitchen to see the two making themselves a quick snack. You sit at the counter, asking Jaehyun to pretty please make you a sandwich.

"You've got hands, do it yourself," Jaemin says to you without looking up from what he was doing. You get up from your seat and start hitting him, "I didn't ask you. Jaehyun's nice to me, he'll make me one, right?" He's already getting it ready for you and you love that about him.

Jaemin scoffs, and says under his breath, "Yeah duh cause he likes you."

Jaehyun yells at him, obviously not wanting you to know. You giggle, thinking it's cute he doesn't think you already know. You can tell from the way he's been acting around you and you feel like riling him up a bit. You walk towards Jaehyun, hands behind your back, and say in a sing-songy voice, "Really? I didn't know. Maybe I like him too," you tease, enjoying the way he looks away from you and back down to the sandwich.

"What's wrong? You're always staring at me when you think I'm not looking, but now you can't even look at me?" You tease further. He shoves the plate towards you, finished with your sandwich and takes his own plate to the couch. You and Jaemin look at each other, knowing you've got him right where you want him. You don't let up, following him to the couch and sitting right next to him as he always does with you. You cross your legs and snuggle a little closer to him, letting your thigh rest on his as you eat your sandwich and watch TV like you aren't obviously trying to get Jaehyun flustered. Jaemin comes to sit next to you and you're officially squished between the two. You didn't know Jaemin would sit right there and you look at him, telling him to move with your eyes. He shrugs and continues eating.

You all sit on the couch, watching something to pass the time. You get up first to put your plate away but when you come back, the two guys are holding their own plates out, signaling for you to put them away for them. You groan but you do it anyway since you're already up.

"Y/N can you get the remote?" Jaemin asks as you come back. It somehow ended up on the floor... ten feet away from them. "What the fuck how did it get over there?" You bend over to pick it up and you hear a "wow" from Jaemin. You look back at him to ask what he's talking about, but you don't even need to ask as he's staring at your ass, your shorts leaving little to the imagination. You didn't feel self conscious wearing shorts around them before because you didn't feel like you needed to, but with the way Jaemin is literally eye fucking you right now, you suddenly feel very shy. You tug your shorts down and throw the remote at him to get him to stop looking at you like that. Jaehyun didn't make any audible noise, but you can tell from the way he's looking at you and back to Jaemin that he felt the same way. You don't even want to sit next to them any more, giving up on messing with Jaehyun.

You're the one getting riled up this time, but you don't want them to know that. The way they're looking at you isn't something you can handle so you sit on the next couch away from them. They look at each other without you knowing and have their own game in mind now.

"Y/N, come back over here," you hear Jaehyun call out to you and pat the seat in between them. You don't even look in his direction and focus on the TV, giving him a firm no.

"He wasn't asking," Jaemin's voice dropped a couple octaves, making you tingle. You're afraid to look back at them, not wanting to play whatever game they were about to pull you into. You're getting turned on and they haven't even done anything but said a few words to you. You feel silly letting them get to you so quick. "You come here or we go over there."

You turn around but don't make a move to get up, just to look at them. They're staring at you with gazes you can't read, or maybe you can read them but you don't know if you're ready to decipher them. Jaehyun nods his head, beckoning for you to come back to your spot. Your heart is pounding now and your body starts to get really hot. You slowly make your way back towards them, their eyes pulling you in like they've got you under some spell. You don't sit down, just stand in front of them, unable to make eye contact with either of them.

They both reach for your hands at the same time, tugging you down and you have to catch yourself with your knees resting on the couch. Your back is now towards the TV and you're facing the back of the couch, an awkward position to say the least.

"Good girl," Jaehyun coos, making you clench around nothing as you feel yourself getting more turned on. "Now stay right there and don't move." He gets up and makes his way around the couch, standing in front of you as Jaemin stays beside you. "You listen to us better than I thought you would," Jaemin says, his hands sliding up your thighs. You start fidgeting, trying to turn back around and sit on the couch normally. He lands a hard slap on your ass and you whimper as the pain subsided into pleasure and you don't try to sit normally again.

"I said don't move," Jaehyun snarls, grabbing your chin to face him. "You thought you could get out of what you said earlier? You know I like you baby but that doesn't mean you can make fun of me in front of Jaemin." You turn a bit to look at Jaemin, and he's got that same annoying ass smile on his face, enjoying the way your ass is on display for him. Jaehyun roughly yanks your chin back in his direction, "Don't look at him, look at me."

You don't know what you should say in this moment, you're feeling extremely turned on with the way Jaehyun is talking to you and Jaemin's hand on your lower body isn't making things better. You're thinking what the fuck happened? You don't know how things turned 180 that quick. You're half embarrassed about what's going on right now, but the other half of you wants to see where things will go. You let the latter half take over. You're all alone right now, what's stopping you from beating them at their own game?

You arch your back more, pushing your ass further out for Jaemin to see and put on your best pout for the man in front of you. "Sorry Jaehyun, I didn't mean to make you upset," you whine at him, leaning on the back of the couch. You turn to look at Jaemin, shivering at the way his hand is caressing your ass. "Jaemin, that hurt," you fake pout at him too, "but I liked it." You quickly jump off the couch onto your feet before either of them can reach for you, boasting a flirty smile that has the two of them ready to pounce.

"Come get me," you sing, making a run for their room as soon as you see them both racing towards you. Your adrenaline is pumping and you love that they don't waste any time to follow you. You make it to their room before they do, locking it before they can barge in. They both bang on the door, impatient and eager to have their way with you for the stunt you just pulled on them.

"Y/N open the door, now." Jaehyun sounds so sexy when he's mad and you just want to keep pushing his buttons.

"What are you gonna do about it?" You can hear their footsteps trailing back downstairs, unsure of what's going on. Did they give up? Shit shit shit no wait come back. You wait a bit longer, to see if they really left. You hear them come back and you're about to say something when you hear a key in the door. You forgot that your friend told you where the keys to each room were in case you locked yourselves out for some reason. They both barge in, successfully opening the door and they don't look happy. Fuck.

They're glaring at you, and you feel small in their presence. You weren't prepared for this, this wasn't in your game plan. You don't know what to do any more. You back up as they make their way towards you, the back of your knees hitting the edge of the bed. "No, wait, I take it back I didn't mean it," you try to talk your way out of it but Jaemin pushes you onto the bed, not wanting to hear your excuses. You try to get away from them, but they're much stronger than you and hold you in place, Jaehyun's hands on your waist and Jaemin holding your legs down. You feel like you should be afraid, but you're actually getting wetter with each second. You weren't sure if you could handle either of them when they were looking at you in that way, let alone both of them at the same time.

"Do you like messing with us?" Jaemin asks, his hands sliding further up your legs.

"You mess with me all the time Jaemin," you retort, which earns you a slap on your thigh. "Don't talk back to me."

"Are you gonna be a good girl and listen to us this time?" Jaehyun slides his hands underneath your shirt, gliding across your stomach, getting close to your breasts.

You bite your lip, unbelievably wet at this point. "What are you gonna do?" you ask quietly, not sure if you're ready for their answer.

Jaemin moves away from your legs and sits in the middle of the bed. He holds your cheek and says in a low voice, "Mmm, we're gonna do so many things to you." You can't hold back your whimper, heart racing at all the thoughts running through your mind.

"You have to tell us if you want it though. We won't do anything without your consent." Even with the way they've been playing with you and eye fucking you downstairs, they still ask you in case you want to stop.

"Yes, I want it, I want both of you, fuck you guys are so hot" you breathe out, unable to play their game any longer. You want nothing more than for both of them to pleasure you and make you scream their names. You're up for anything and you want them to know. You're soaking through your panties, and you squeeze your legs together to get some kind of friction. "I'm so wet because of you," looking at both of them. Jaehyun cocks an eyebrow, eyes trailing down your figure, taking note of the way you're squirming underneath him. Jaemin wastes no time in pulling your legs towards him. Jaehyun lifts your shirt up to expose your chest to him, pushing your bra up and going straight for your breasts. He kneads one with his hand and sucks on the other, going back and forth between the two. You love the way his tongue glides across your nipples, and you throw your head back when you feel Jaemin's hand rubbing at your core through your shorts. Both of them are making you feel so good, but you crave more.

"Take them off Jaemin," you urge him, wanting to feel his hands on your body and not on your shorts. You lift your hips, waiting for him to slide them down your legs. When he does, he groans at the sight before him. "She wasn't kidding, she's hella wet," Jaemin says to Jaehyun, moving his fingers back to your clit, making slow circles. The only sounds in the room are your small moans and the sound of your wetness as Jaemin plays with you. He pushes two fingers in to the hilt without warning, and your hips snap up, moaning even louder as he pumps them in and out. At the same time, Jaehyun moves his lips to your neck, nipping and sucking at every inch. His hand reaches your core and rubs your clit as Jaemin finger fucks you.

"Fuck that feels good Jae," you don't know if you're talking about Jaehyun or Jaemin, but they were both making you feel on cloud nine right now. Jaemin pulls his fingers out of you and they're coated in your wetness. He brings his hand to your lips and you wrap your mouth around them, tongue swirling around his digits, licking yourself off his fingers.You feel Jaemin shifting, pushing your knees up and laying down in front of your core. Jaehyun pulls back, watching as Jaemin presses kisses on your sex before diving in and lapping up all your juices. You grab onto his hair pushing his head closer to you, mouth left in an o-shape, not making any sounds but feeling so good underneath Jaemin's tongue. "I could eat you out all day, you look so amazing right now" Jaemin comments, making you shy, trying to close your legs only for him to hold your thighs tighter and keep them open.

"I bet you'd look better with my dick in your mouth," Jaehyun says as he steps off the bed to pull his pants down and you reach your hand out to grab his member. He's taking in the view before him: your legs spread wide by Jaemin's hands as he devours you, your eyes locked on his own and your hand pumping him up and down, all needy for him. He kneels on the bed beside you, telling you to open up. You greedily take him in your mouth, licking what you can and moaning when Jaemin sucks on your clit. You close your eyes, trying to focus on the pleasure Jaemin is giving you while trying to pleasure Jaehyun at the same time.

Jaemin is keeping his eyes on the two of you, watching the way your hips buck every time he licks your clit and the way your mouth is wrapped around Jaehyun. He pulls away from you, wiping your arousal off his mouth and chin. He brings his hand down, slapping your pussy hard. You yelp and close your legs as a reflex, only for Jaemin to push them back open. He keeps your legs spread but doesn't stop, slapping both your core and inner thighs. You can't focus on sucking Jaehyun off when Jaemin is abusing your pussy in all the right ways. "Jaemin!" you cry out, and he smirks. "That's what you get for sucking him while I'm eating you out, you're supposed to focus on me."

You whine, unsure if you should keep sucking Jaehyun now that Jaemin has stopped. You look to Jaehyun, and he's staring at your body, core dripping even more than before. He turns to look down at you, hand still holding his member and you pump him slowly, loving the way his big dick fits in your hand. "Want me to fuck you first baby?" You nod, a bit too eagerly, earning a low chuckle from him. He pulls your legs towards him and throws his shirt off swiftly and now it's your turn to eye fuck him. You couldn't stop staring at him the first time you met, but this is even better than before now that he's completely naked and about to ruin you. As Jaehyun aligns himself to your core, Jaemin groans, upset that he isn't getting any action right now. You take pity on him and reach out to him, asking him to kiss you. He jumps at the opportunity and lays down beside you, pulling your face closer to his as he hungrily kisses you. Tongues clashing, you both fight for dominance, not wanting him to win you over.

Jaehyun slides in and you gasp against Jaemin's lips, knowing it was coming but you still weren't ready for it. He grips your waist as you wrap your legs around him, pushing into you with such force that you can't even kiss Jaemin properly any more. Jaehyun starts to get lost in the way your pussy clenches so tightly around him. "Damn, your pussy feels so good baby," Jaehyun moans, watching the way your breasts bounce with each thrust. You pull away from Jaemin's lips, but keep eye contact with him as Jaehyun fucks you senseless. Jaemin is rock hard by now, watching your face contort in pleasure while still looking him in the eyes, pleading silently for him to do something to you. He can tell you want Jaehyun but that you also want him just as much, which prompts him to undress and kneel on the bed, member in hand, waiting for you to take him.

Jaehyun pulls out and flips you on your stomach. You immediately get on all fours, moaning as he pushes back in again and look at Jaemin, sticking your tongue out for him to fuck your mouth. He swears, taking in the image of you getting fucked by one of his best friends but still begging for him like the slut you are. "You look so pretty like this," Jaemin says, pushing all the way in to your mouth. You gag a bit, but you want him to be rough with you. Jaehyun is fucking you so hard you moan on Jaemin's dick, making him close his eyes and revel in the way your perfect little mouth is making him feel so good. Jaehyun slaps your ass so hard, you can't help but pause on Jaemin's dick a bit, waiting for the sting to turn into pleasure. He does it again and again, and you cry out, your head falling onto the bed, unable to keep Jaemin in your mouth.

"What's wrong baby girl? You said you liked it earlier," Jaehyun mocks you, pulling your hair up so that you can face Jaemin again. "Be a good slut and suck his dick."

You take Jaemin into your mouth again, unable to deny him when he's looking at you like you're the sexiest person he's ever seen, taking two dicks at once. You feel so full, so fucked out, so good that you can't focus on either of them. You look up at Jaemin, who's pushing further and further into your mouth, fucking your mouth just as hard as Jaehyun is fucking your pussy. You don't want either of them to stop but you don't know how much longer you can go. Your body is about to give out, and Jaehyun can feel your knees starting to fall on the bed.

"We never said we were done, don't act like you can't take it princess," Jaehyun and Jaemin both pull out of you and you collapse, trying to catch your breath. Jaemin takes the initiative, laying down in front of you. "Ride me baby."

You regain feeling in your legs and climb on top of Jaemin, sinking down on his dick as his hands move to your ass. You rest your palms beside his head, moving your hips up and down slowly. You squeeze around him and he lets out a sigh. "God, you're still so tight even after that fucking Jaehyun gave you." His hands caress your sore cheeks, still red and left with hand marks. Jaehyun watches the two of you, paying close attention to the way your pussy grips Jaemin's dick as you ride him. "She's doing so well, isn't she Jaemin?"

"She's the best I've ever had, can't get enough," he responds, looking at you sweetly. This is the first time you've seen him look at you in that way, and you realize you can't deny it either, no matter how much he's annoyed you in the past few days you've spent together. You lean down, littering his neck with warm kisses. Your soft lips on his skin makes him burn up. "Jaemin, fuck me, make me yours," you whisper in his ear, quietly so that Jaehyun doesn't hear. The intimacy shared between you two, even with Jaehyun still in the room, makes you both insanely crazy for each other. He doesn't have to be told again. He holds your hips still, shifting his feet so that they're propped against the bed. He asks if you're ready, and you kiss him softly in response. He wastes no time, drilling into you, hitting your sweet spot with every thrust. He makes you scream his name, hugging your body close to his as he fucks you so hard your head is spinning. Jaehyun is sure you said something to Jaemin, but he couldn't make out what you said. He feels a slight tinge of jealousy, wanting to know what made Jaemin snap.

You can feel your orgasm coming, and with the way it's been building up since Jaemin ate you out and Jaehyun fucked you, you know it's gonna hit hard. "I'm gonna cum, will you make me cum baby?" you plead in Jaemin's ear, and he knows he's close too. Your pussy clenches around him, getting even tighter than before. "I'm close, you need to get off," he warns, but you don't want to. You look him the eyes, "It's okay." And with that, all his inhibitions go out the window. He brings his hand to your clit, rubbing fast and hard to get you to finish at the same time.

"Fuck, I'm cumming," you yell, throwing your head back as your orgasm washes over you. Jaemin's hips stutter as he lets out a string of moans, releasing his load in you. You both take a second to come down from your high, almost forgetting that Jaehyun was in the room until he grabs your hips, pulling you off of Jaemin and throwing you onto your back.

"What the fuck was that? Neither of you wanted to tell me you were about to cum?" He's beyond jealous now, wanting to be the first one to finish in you. Your mind is still cloudy and you can feel Jaemin's cum slipping out of you onto the bed. "Sorry bro," Jaemin chuckles with his half-ass apology. Jaehyun looks at you and you can only smile weakly at him. He spreads your legs apart and thrusts two fingers in, pushing Jaemin's cum back into your core. With your own arousal and Jaemin's, you're the wettest you've been all night. You whimper, still sensitive from the intense orgasm you just had.

"Oh baby, did you think that was the end of it?" Jaehyun quickly moves his fingers in and out of you, thumb rubbing your clit as you try to move away. "I can't take any more,” shaking your head weakly.

"You can and you will," he assures you, wanting to punish you for forgetting about him. His hand snakes up your body, gripping your throat firmly, making it hard for you to breathe. The lack of air and the way he's finger fucking you makes your head feel light. You love the short, sweet moment you had with Jaemin, but Jaehyun's roughness makes your body tingle in a different way. You enjoy them both, and soon you're becoming another mess underneath Jaehyun.

"Shit, Jaehyun don't stop please," you moan loudly, feeling another orgasm approaching. He removes his fingers from your core and you feel empty, a second high so close. He throws your left leg over his shoulder, holding the other leg down as he slides right in. You can't keep up with him, can't do anything but just take it, he's so good at abusing your pussy and you love it so much. His hand presses against your throat again and he's making you feel so delirious.

"I told you you could take it. Tell me you like it," he says harshly, letting go of your throat a bit so you could respond.

"Fuck, I love it," you pant, getting close again.

"What do you love?" he presses further, undoubtedly so Jaemin could hear. He scoffs in the background, knowing Jaehyun is doing it on purpose.

"I love it when you fuck me, you make me feel so good Jaehyun," you tell the truth, not wanting him to get any more jealous. He kisses you, the first time he's done that tonight. You hold his face, letting him take control of your lips, your body, your mind. You're drowning in the pleasure he's giving you, and you can tell he's close too.

"Cum in me baby," you whisper against his lips, wanting him to fill you up. 

"You’re too much for me sweetheart, I'm gonna cum, I'm gonna cum," he groans. You reach your second orgasm of the night, and this one is even more intense than before. Jaehyun watches as your eyes roll to the back of your head and your legs begin to shake as he stills in you, spilling his own load into you. Jaemin watches as both his cum and Jaehyun's leaks out of you.

Both Jaehyun and Jaemin take a moment to admire you looking absolutely delicious in your fucked out state. They look at each other, wondering if they were too hard on you.

"Was that too much?" Jaehyun asks, as he tucks a strand of hair behind your ear, pulling you out of your trance. You feel their cum dripping, but as one last bold move, you spread your legs and gather a bit on your fingers, bringing it to your lips to let them know you loved every bit of it.

"You're so sexy, I might just have to go again," Jaehyun leans down to kiss you, telling you how you did so well for them. Jaemin is already running the shower for you so you can clean yourself up.

After your shower, you hear rustling downstairs and you're glad your friends didn't come back 10 minutes earlier. Jaemin's already taken the sheets off the bed to throw them in the washer. You and Jaehyun meet everyone downstairs, ready for dinner after everything that just happened.

"Hey, what have you guys been up to since we left?" Lucas asks, getting the grill ready for some Korean barbecue.

"We just played a few games in our room," Jaemin responds, giving you a wink. "Y/N thought she would win but me and Jaehyun put her in her place."

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 261: Wakey Wakey

Previously on BnHA: The heroes decided that the only way to beat the villains was with an insane winner-takes-all gambit involving two simultaneous attacks, one on the Pliff base in Gunga Mountain, and the other on a quaint little hospital in Jakku that just so happens to be where Ujiko is keeping his Noumuraki in cold storage along with all his other evil science junk. We still don’t know what the fuck is going on in Gunga, but over in Jakku things are shockingly not really going according to plan! First Ujiko was stabbed by a Noumu space slug and melted away into nothing because HE’S A FAAAAAAAKE. Then a bunch of other Noumu came running out of the morgue to distract everyone while the real Ujiko scuttled about his lab in a panic in his lab and literally called the heroes “THOSE MEDDLESOME HEROES” because he is literally a cartoon villain, only with the evilness cranked up to 11. Thankfully before he could warp away and escape, Miruko, a.k.a. the queen of this entire arc, busted down the door and crushed John-chan like a bug (RIP JOHN-CHAN) and took hold of my heart and was all “THIS IS MINE NOW” and I was like “okay” and now she’s gonna kick Ujiko’s ass????! Or so we can hope anyway?

Today on BnHA: Well Miruko almost kicks Ujiko’s ass, and he almost doesn’t manage to punch in the activation code for his High End Noumus, and we almost manage to be spared the chaotic scene where they all come to life and wreak havoc. But unfortunately “almost” is as close as we get, mainly because every single other character decides to hang back in the hospital entrance fighting a bunch of nobodies rather than bothering to help Miruko out. Everyone that is, except Crust, who provides some assistance by (a) not mentioning to anyone how there’s a whole other tunnel that leads out of the lab and goes DIRECTLY OUTSIDE TO WHERE MY CHILDREN PRESUMABLY ARE, and (b) arriving at the lab and then not really doing anything else at all except shouting a bit. So apparently this is what we’re working with. Thankfully Miruko is somehow still alive, because it looks like she’s about to have to fight these guys pretty much on her own. Unfortunately Ujiko takes advantage of all the chaos to abscond the fuck out of there. And so the chapter leaves off with one of those “record scratch, freeze frame, yep that’s me you’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situation” moments. Fun times.

so Ujiko got a new name last week; he is now Garaki Kyuudai. you can read all about the meaning of the name on Caleb’s twitter if you feel so inclined. so we are now moving on, and we’ll see how many times I forget this new name and have to go back and look it up (ETA: at least twice so far)

so hopefully today will be the day when we finally discover just how and why everything is going to go terribly wrong, because it’s getting stressful bracing myself for that shoe to drop every damn week. if you’re going to put my kids in terrible danger than GO AHEAD AND PUT THEM IN DANGER ALREADY THEN. please. I can’t go on like this

holy shit you guys

see, now this is the kind of fanservice I can get behind. too bad I can’t really focus on that at all right now because

well then. it’s only the thing I’ve been simultaneously anticipating and dreading ever since the start of the My Villain Academia arc! don’t mind me guys. I’m just gonna. sit here nearly frozen but also kind of vibrating/pulsing ever so slightly

OH NO MIRUKO WHAT DID YOU DO

holy shit you guys. I RECOGNIZE THAT BIG BLACK DOOR FROM BACK IN MY KHR DAYS. ONLY BACK THEN IT WASN’T A DOOR AT ALL, BUT A WALL. A GLORIOUS AND TERRIBLE WALL WHICH SINGLEHANDEDLY BROUGHT ONE OF THE STRONGEST CHARACTERS TO HIS KNEES DURING A DO-OR-DIE “HEROES INVADE THE VILLAINS’ LAIR” ARC VERY MUCH LIKE THIS. oh my god. and now he has returned, after all these years, to once again fuck up the heroes’ plans at a critical and devastating moment. curse you wall

also did we really need to see this

Horikoshi: “you know what I haven’t drawn yet that I’d really like to draw. brains. just some brains splattered around all messily. children love that almost as much as they love dead dogs”

ffsdsdlfkjl YOU KNOW WHAT WE ALSO DIDN’T NEED TO SEE, HOLY CHRIST

A FLASHBACK TO UJIKO “COMFORTING” A BLOODIED JOHN-CHAN AFTER A SUCCESSFUL TEST RUN OF HIS NOUMU CAPABILITIES, OR WHATEVER THE HELL THIS IS. DID YOU GUYS ASK FOR THIS? I SURE AS HELL DIDN’T. I HAVE NO REAL WAY OF KNOWING THIS FOR SURE, BUT I’M GONNA GO OUT ON A LIMB AND SAY THAT ABSOLUTELY NO ONE WANTED TO SEE THIS. LIKE, I CAN’T SAY THAT WITH CERTAINTY, BUT ACTUALLY I CAN THOUGH

ugh. anyway. “just Noumu Arc things,” Horikoshi says with a shrug. listen you son of a --

meanwhile if Ujiko gets all angry and tearfully sics all of the High Ends on Miruko in his rage, I will... actually I’ll sit here not being even remotely surprised at all, but still freaking out though. damn it, this is why I need that freaking shoe to drop already like I said. that thing is just sitting there like a loose snack in a malfunctioning vending machine and I’m standing here cursing and thumping on the glass and asking if anybody has a quarter

GODDAMMIT I DON’T NEED TO HEAR HIS FUCKING EULOGY FOR HIS PET MONSTER WHICH USED TO BE AN INNOCENT LITTLE CHILD UNTIL HE MAIMED AND TORTURED THE HUMANITY OUT OF IT

is that freaking All for One in the top right panel. YOU’RE ON MY SHITLIST TOO MISTER

looooooooool :’)

lol I think we finally got that shoe loose folks. sob. go ahead and activate them you crusty old fuck

also are these things in the little tubes... quirks??? like what the hell

so now Ujiko’s screaming (I guess if he’s upset we can take that as a good sign?), and meanwhile Miruko is all

still smiling even now. god how I love her. “I’LL FIND OUT IF I KICK HIM” GOD MIRUKO WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE. IS THERE SUCH A THING AS A FEMALE HIMBO. LIKE WITH LESS PEJORATIVE CONNOTATIONS THAN THE ORIGINAL “BIMBO” AND WITH MORE OF A “SOMEONE WHO’S REALLY HOT AND COULD CRUSH YOU WITH HER PINKY AND IS ALSO A FEW ICE BRICKS SHORT OF AN IGLOO” KIND OF VIBE TO IT. HERBO??? OR WHAT ABOUT... SHIMBO

anyway Endeavor is all “catch him” which is some great fucking advice coming from someone that hasn’t even made it inside the morgue entrance yet. what fucking good are you. at least he fried the space slug

but unfortunately that hasn’t quite solved all their problems yet

honestly though, he should still go after her. like, screw all the rest of this. get your priorities in order!! she just said there were a ton of REALLY STRONG-LOOKING!! Noumus over there too, and meanwhile she’s the only one there because none of these other dinguses seem to realize that if you want to stop the fucking Noumus you need to stop the guy in charge. otherwise they’ll just keep on coming!!

you know what, forget what I implied a couple paragraphs ago about Miruko being a few twists short of a slinky. she may have a straightforward “hit first and ask questions later” approach to things, but it’s increasingly clear that she’s still in possession of this team’s one shared brain cell right now

(ETA: the more that I think about this the madder I get. I count at least seven heroes in this shot. you’re telling me you couldn’t spare a single one??)

ooh we’re cutting to Mandalay!

she says the last of the civilians have just been evacuated from the hospital! I don’t know why she’s yelling this to them out loud and not thinking it at them like in the forest arc but whatever. the evacuation part got me thinking about the kids and now I desperately want to see how they’re doing but first we have to wait for this High End situation to finish spiraling out of control I guess

-- holy shit holy shit holy shit

okay so this guy, who was the closest behind Miruko -- I forget who he is but I remember he was one of the top ten... goddammit let me look it up... okay yeah, he’s Crust, the number six hero, whose quirk I don’t think we know yet -- anyway so he’s running down the corridor and, well...

first of all he says hmmm way too much. but more importantly he just confirmed that at least one of these corridors leads directly outside. without passing through the hospital at all. implying that the Noumus can bypass the squad of heroes entirely and escape to rampage out on the mountainside

so the one job that the heroes had today, which was to make sure that none of the villains escaped, has already proven a failure. there are Noumus outside. and who else is outside in the mountains of Jakku right now, you guys? EXACTLY

meanwhile this fucking boomer hasn’t even bothered to say this part out loud so that the other heroes can hear and realize that there are potentially escaped Noumus on the lam! like it would be nice to maybe mention that so that they know their plan has sprung a leak and also so that Endeavor can WARN HIS FUCKING INTERNS JESUS CHRIST

anyway so Crust has stumbled upon a group of Noumus and is attacking them and still not revealing a thing to his pals, thanks so much!!!

and now Miruko is leaping at Ujiko so that means ladies and gentlemen it’s finally TIME FOR SOMETHING BAD TO HAPPEN!

WHY IS THIS TAKING A WHOLE FUCKING PAGE

no fucking duh?? holy shit. he may be an evil genius but he’s really not that great at thinking on his feet

-- oh shit?!

A WILD RAY OF HOPE APPEARS?? looooool are you serious? that must mean that they’re so fucking powerful the heroes wouldn’t stand a chance if they were activated. so despite all appearances, Horikoshi is actually not throwing them to the wolves just yet and there is still a thin layer of plot armor surrounding them!

--but what the hell IS HE TURNING THEM ON ANYWAY?!

sob, he is. holy shit he’s gonna sic a High End on my wife and it’ll be the strongest fucking thing we’ve ever seen and meanwhile Ujiko will be watching all “hur hur it’s not even using 10% of its power” fucking fuck me

WHAT THE FUCK

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME THERE’S ANOTHER WARPING NOUMU JESUS

so he just left?? but turned the Noumus on first?? so now they have ten fucking hours before these things get strong enough to level the whole fucking planet are you shitting meeeee. and did he just leave Tomura there too or did he also warp him out?

wait a sec no he’s still there. lol what the fuck. so did Mocha-chan create a duplicate of him then and that’s what Miruko kicked?

I’m so confused lmao

(ETA: still confused tbh. but we have bigger fish to fry!)

but anyway. this is what we came for though

wakey wakey. hey can someone go slap Endeavor and all those other heroes for me for deciding it was more important to battle the “small fries” out in front rather than give Miruko some fucking backup so it wouldn’t be all on her to stop this shitclown from remote activating his unstoppable army of death? fucking Mic could have ended this whole show with one shouted “YODELAYHEEHOO~” down this echo-y corridor for fuck’s sake!! Aizawa could have stopped Mocha from using her quirk! god damn! I hope you’re all happy!!

LMAO HOLY FUCKING SHIT

THAT’S THE SCARIEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN?! HAHAHA MY HEART IS GENUINELY RACING, I’M DEFAULTING TO MY “HAUNTED HOUSE LAUGHTER” INSTINCT IN WHICH I KEEP LAUGHING BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS TOO FUCKING TENSE AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO

LIKE, THE ONE NEARLY BIT HER FUCKING FACE OFF BEFORE SHE KICKED ITS BITEY HAND IN HALF, BUT MEANWHILE THE OTHER ONE IS TRYING TO GRAB HER ENTIRE HEAD WITH ITS MASSIVE FUCKING HAND ATTACHED TO AN ARM THAT’S LITERALLY AS LONG AS MIRUKO IS TALL, AND THAT HAND IS BIG ENOUGH THAT IF IT CLOSED ITS FIST HER HEAD WOULD LITERALLY POP LIKE A GRAPE HOLY SHIT?!?!

NO THANK YOU I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S HAPPENING BUT THAT’S ALL RIGHT I DON’T WANT IT TAKE IT BACK PLEASE

oh thank fuck I think Miruko escaped?? or they just threw her into that wall, at least. well still better then getting your head crushed

and now these two are trying to talk because fuck me I forgot high ends can fucking talk

“h...hero...” took me a second to figure out what they were saying there but damned if that didn’t send a chill down my spine!

also Miruko really did kick its hand right the fuck off, god I love her. even if it is instantly growing back

you guys I literally can’t stop laughing lol

HAHAHA WE’RE SO FUCKED!?!

ALSO IS THAT ONE GUY CRIMSON RIOT?!!

hmm lol maybe not. idk though he just gave me that vibe

LOOK HOW HAPPY THEY ALL ARE LOL

THEY JUST WANT TO KILL THEM ALL THAT’S SO GREAT. THIS IS ALL SO WONDERFUL THEY KO’D MIRUKO IN 0.4 SECONDS AND NOW THEY WANT TO “GO BERSERK” WHAT A GRAND TIME WE’RE IN FOR

LMAO ARE YOU SERIOUS

FUCKING CRUST OUT HERE LIKE TROY WITH THE PIZZA BOXES. DO YOU WANT TO JUST TURN THE FUCK AROUND RIGHT NOW BOY. NGL IF THEY RIP YOUR HEAD OFF I’M NOT EVEN GONNA DO ANYTHING EXCEPT ROLL MY EYES. WATCH HIM NOT SHOUT A WARNING TO THE OTHERS EVEN NOW

(ETA: I s2g though. hello?! is your headset broken???)

and he’s being greeted by this big guy with a gear head and a weird lumpy spine

somehow at first I thought that first lump on his back was an “R” symbol because I’m bad at interpreting images, so now I want to call him Rusty because I’m also bad at coming up with nicknames on the spot. I’m sorry Rusty

anyway so Rusty and Crust are immediately getting into an argument and meanwhile Ujiko is just SITTING THERE BECAUSE HE CAN, NOW

because Endeavor, Aizawa, Mic, and the others all decided it was more important to abandon their most important target in favor of trying to contain the comparatively harmless redshirt Noumus in the lobby. which is also pointless, because they’re not actually containing shit, because there are other exits besides for just the hospital! which they would fucking know if Crust was capable of relaying vital information instead of strategically saving his breath for more important things like sarcastically calling this Rusty guy “clever”

in conclusion the heroes have all picked the absolute worst time to collectively shit the bed and I’ve had it with them and they all need to retire, except for Miruko. and the kids. who are now soon to be directly in the line of fire thanks to this shitshow

LMAO HORIKOSHI YOU PIECE OF SHIT SOMEHOW I FUCKING KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO PICK THIS WEEK TO ANNOUNCE A BREAK YOU GLEEFUL LITTLE TROLL

and two weeks from now is when I’ll finally be watching the new movie though, so I don’t even know how that’s gonna work lol. guess that’s why they put the extra day in February this year. ah well

anyway! so Miruko is still alive and more reminiscent of Katsuki now than ever, which is fucking great because Crust so far has been exactly as useful as you would expect some stupid old guy with the name “crust” to be, sigh. anyway I’m glad to see my girl’s spirits haven’t been dampened

meanwhile Ujiko straight up did leave Tomura there, which is interesting lol. and so now it looks to be Miruko and Crust (with the latter’s contribution extremely in doubt) versus Rusty, Jester, Max Rebo, Girl!Noumu, and Noumu!Riot. I’m strangely not worried for Miruko because I have decided that she’s invincible, and because Horikoshi has graciously nerfed these guys a bit (please accept my dripping-with-sarcasm “gee thanks”, Horikoshi)

but I am however worried about my three sons over on the edge of town who are about to be waylaid by god knows what. not to mention all my other kids 80km away! how will their day be ruined? we shall see!

[thetldrplace]

John Lock on Education

Reading John Locke’s Some Thoughts on Education.

“Some thoughts” goes for nearly 200 pages, with 216 sections, so apparently… don’t get this guy started, amirite?

 Anyway, I’m always leary when I read philosophers on raising kids. I could never really get behind Rousseau’s ideas, which always came across as ignorant of, you know….. actual children. But, of course, Rousseau never had any kids, so it’s no wonder he had some ideas about raising them that might not square with reality.

Turns out Locke was never married or had any kids himself either, and the fact that he was sickly through much of his life make me think THAT’s what influenced his suggestions about giving kids more rigorous upbringing so their bodies wouldn’t be so sickly.

While I’m only 77 sections in to the work, so I can’t comment on it entirely, I’d say there are some things I find interesting, and others I’m more dismissive of.

The thing with philosophers of this caliber is- they are obviously clever men. And part of philosophy really is just …. Thinking about things. So when someone with Locke’s intellectual caliber sets himself to thinking about something like education, he can present a compelling case.

But I’ll give the first example he starts off with. As part of his recommendations for health, he suggests children should not be bundled up as protection against the cold. He thinks they can be subjected to the discomfort and slowly get used to it. He admits the moms and nannies of England would not want to hear a word of this, but that nonetheless, this sort of training to hardness would result in children able to bear up under any conditions.

Now, I have family in Italy who are near nuts when it comes to the cold. They are convinced that you can’t crank the AC up on a hot day because too much cool air will make you sick. I’m like- turn the @#$%^% AC UP! NOBODY’S gonna die from cooling 100° air down! They don’t want to drink iced drinks on hot days because it would be considered too jarring. These are all things that I do regularly, and I don’t get sick.

I remember one rainy day where I was out playing soccer, and the discussion came up over being out in the cold. His response was- cold doesn’t make you sick, germs make you sick. This is true. But neither are people completely stupid. They learn through experience and time what works and doesn’t, so maybe, sending junior out into the cold, and him getting sick enough, turns into general wisdom about not letting kids go outside in the cold. But if Locke is right, that may have started with moms’ overprotective instinct more than anything else.

I’ll give a bit of evidence to that.

I was reading Darwin’s Voyage of the Beagle, or maybe it was the Origin of Species, can’t remember… and he was talking about meeting with some of the Indian tribes through the strait of Magellan in Argentina and Chile. These Indians went about nearly naked, and in many cases fully naked, in the snow. I can only presume they could do that because they were fully used to it. I’d be dead in a matter of minutes, but I’m not used to the cold at all. In fact, I remember going to Minneapolis St Paul one year in February. I got off the plane in 17°F weather and thought I was gonna die. The next day we were walking around and, to get out of the cold, I ducked into a bank. One of the tellers asked why I had come in and said it was to get out of the cold. They said, “Cold? This is nice. Last week it was 20 below.”

All these anecdotes just go to say that in some respect, Locke may be right. And in fact, to a degree (yeah, pun intended), I’m sure it’s true.

But there’s another side of the debate that is harder to argue. There are things we have learned collectively that we may not even know how we know them or if they’re true, but they’ve arisen as a sort of collective wisdom through time. Those are the kinds of things that people can be very quick to want to tear down. For them, if something can’t be rationally described as useful, then it is akin to old-wives tales and other useless nonsense like when moms would tell their sons they’d grow hair on their palms if they masturbated.

 I have to admit that I have a sort of disregard for overparenting. I feel like my generation, and GenX too, waited longer to have kids, and then got a little too smart for their own good when it came to raising kids.

I’ve spoken with so many that said I’m not going to repeat the mistakes my parents made with me. Then they get a bunch of books, and study up on which parenting model they think is best. I feel like this is a natural response in parents that waited to get married. If you wait until your 30’s to get married and start having kids, the tendency is to be more thoughtful in your approach to things.

What’s wrong with that, you ask? Well nothing is wrong with being thoughtful. But when we add the market in, we have a situation where lots of people feel they need to write a book (after all, what do academics do, if not write books?), explaining their particular insights. But the desire to set oneself apart it going to drive a desire to find something new to say about a subject, which is what the market is going to require in order to sell a product, and those forces have undoubtedly led to lots of helpful books filled with nonsense.

 I was married young and we had kids young. I didn’t worry about it, I had my parents as role-models and I raised my boys without overthinking things. I let them play and get messed up. I didn’t worry about a lot of things, because honestly, when I was a kid, we just got kicked out of the house to ‘go play’. Both my sons grew up as responsible, productive members of society with good heads on their shoulders. As I read Locke, I recognize I actually DID some of the things he suggests as a corrective. But I just kind of did them naturally, not as a product of overanalyzing things. I do have to accept that it won’t work for everyone. After all, I grew up in a stable healthy family. Lots of people didn’t. Maybe their examples weren’t so good.

And I’m not going to presume to give anyone advice on how to raise their kids. I’ll assume that you as an individual know your situation and your own kids better than someone like me, who can only see the outside. I’m just sharing some thoughts because that’s what this ‘too long; didn’t read’ blog is for.

Over and out.

[qutemag]

The movie guy reviews: Transformers -- The Last Knight

Article by Benjamin Harkin

Here we are. Every critic relishes this review, and many online have already let forth the torrent of bile that Transformers: The Last Knight deserves. Every Transformers movie I go in hoping I’ll be somewhat surprised that the movie reaches a baseline of ‘okay’, and bar maybe the third one which was brighter, more colourful and contained John Malkovich, every time I walk out frustrated and despairing. People say Michael Bay is an auteur – an auteur of what? Glorified tech demos? Showing off what the Industrial Light & Magic team can do? Because that’s all these movies have going for them. This is evident with the multiple aspect ratios, that’s right, IMDb records this movie showing three different aspect ratios, and another place thought the trailer had eight. You have black bars darting all around the image as the movie crops itself to fit around funky new cameras Michael Bay wants to toy with for the sponsorship. It is the weirdest, most distracting shit to see a movie switching aspect ratios all the way through for no discernible reason.

The film feels like six films meshed into one, or perhaps six plot threads focus-grouped into oblivion and smooshed together in a way that made some executive in a high-backed chair shift lazily in their seat to turn off the preview footage and say “fuck it, that’ll do” for the three editors to hastily clip together in something resembling a two and a half hour film. There’s the scene with a post-apocalyptic New York, ravaged after the climax of Transformers 4, with Transformers living in hiding of the anti-Transformers defense force set up to catch them, now that Optimus Prime is paralysed, orbiting the earth in a shell of his former self. Some foolhardy boys break into a ruined stadium with a giant jet engine ploughed into the field, saying self-aware bulldust like “we’re kids, we always get away with stuff!” Yes, that’s a fucking line in this movie. And not the worst by a mile. Then prowling the streets, looking under rubble, they run into a Transformer hiding itself under scrap. Couldn’t radar easily detect the hulking masses like Transformers for the military to destroy? Apparently fucking not, if a Transformer hides among some rubble, that’s a-okay. The kids then run into a girl, a strong-willed, adventurous-sounding 14-year-old who’s making her own way among the debris jungle and a close friend to this Transformer that gets mortally wounded by a fighter jet trying to save the kids. And do you think Bay uses this setup to anchor the film with a young heroine, make a movie that takes a U-turn on everything that the hypermasculine, Megan Fox-ass loving, dumb as a post joke-making crap that has defined his Transformers series? Fuck no, all the boys dialogue towards this girl is along the lines of “wow…she’s hot!” and “Are you single?” Fucking gross and sad is all I can say. Michael Bay can’t wait to get started on the explosions, objectification, and immaturity. The young girl doesn’t do anything of note in the movie, hell, I can’t even remember her name. She gets sidelined at the halfway point, literally left behind in a junkyard with her BB-8 rip-off robot. Michael Bay instead wheels out the contractually obliged Megan Fox stand-in to be the impetus for Mark Wahlberg to do something in the movie and crack a few lines about how single they both are. Wahlberg was probably given acting advice to approach the character by showing a face in deep thought over how utterly hot it would be if he and the Oxford tour-guide Megan Fox stand-in lady banged with the Transformers watching.

“Are you single?” proves to be a theme in this movie, more than any kind of motif or any of the half-mumbled prattling about values that Optimus Prime manages to heave out of this exhaustingly mind-numbing, overbloated movie. Characters are defined by whether they’re single or not, not whether they fight for honesty, or freedom, or love, or caring for friends, or whether they want to be friends with giant robots. Nah it’s the fact that Mark Wahlberg and Megan Fox stand-in in this movie are on steroids and the camera treats them like they’re perpetually posing for Tinder. Characters from earlier in the series, like John Turturro, make manically unintelligible appearances to rant about doomsday situations. A physics scientist gets laughed at when he tells the president the world will end in roughly three days. Optimus Prime manages to awake himself out of being basically a dead robot to shoot himself somehow across the galaxy onto his home planet of Cybertron, which he knows was destroyed but fuck it, why not go there for refuge? And why not fall back to earth if you’re a dead shell of a Transformer? Nah, the logic in this movie is adverse to science or plot logic, or continuity, or good filmmaking, his dead body can float across the galaxy instead! Cybertron is now run by some Sorceress Robot Woman who twists Optimus into getting Cybertron fixed as a planet by colliding it with earth to suck up the planet’s core. Fucking who knows. Cybertron somehow flies across the universe in the time it takes this movie to skim across five other unresolved plot threads, like why Mark Wahlberg has a spiderly amulet thing that’s super powerful and what he is actually supposed to do with it, or what the whole deal was with the three-headed dragon robot that appears at points throughout the film, or why Megatron wants to break out his mates Suicide Squad-style or why the humans are willing to work with Megatron who was the bane of everyone for the previous four movies, or why John Goodman’s cigar-chomping Transformer gets blown up by rockets and falls over, presumed dead as the camera cuts to a new scene, then he just randomly reappears later on, or why Bumblebee fought Nazis in WWII. And the location used for the scene of Nazis being blown to smithereens, full with Swastika banners draped over the looming building? That my friends is Winston Churchill’s house. I’m sure Britain’s favourite wartime leader, known for everything Hitler was not, span so hard in his grave he tunnelled to the earth’s core.

Stanley Tucci plays a drunk Merlin in a flashback to the Dark Ages, for reasons never fully explored, despite being another character in the present for the previous movie. The Great Tucci Retcon. Oh and there’s Anthony Hopkins too. A wisened masterclass of an actor, made remarkably awkward and a total caricature for a man who used to be Hannibal Lector. He’s in this, 110% for the paycheck. Bay makes him say ‘duuuude’ and ‘that’s a bitch-ass car!’ because it’s cool to make grandpa say hip things sometimes. He has a robot butler assistant who’s also a borderline homicidal maniac for reasons that are never explained. He also has a WWI tank Transformer who has ‘robot-dementia’ or whatever which is an interesting concept far too intriguing for a movie this unforgiveably terrible so the Transformer is yet another sidelined idea in a litany of focus-grouped half-baked brain farts.

The entire movie is unfunny, every joke (and there are heaps, all undercutting the otherwise dead-serious grit and aimed at the lowest denominator possible while conscious) hits like a fucking sledgehammer wielded by lemurs on crack, rushed in delivery, painfully without any semblance of cleverness or wit, the setup too predictable and the payoff so fucking moronic, with editing so poor in timing that a joke about the butler robot playing the sweeping Transformer themes on an organ to give the scene a gravitas was completely lost when Anthony Hopkins cranked his sad, demur grimace up to the butler so slow you could’ve gone to the bathroom and back and the joke would still be playing out. I’ve said it once after Pain & Gain and I’ll say it again: Michael Bay cannot direct comedy and he shouldn’t. For whatever reason the gift of a funny bone doesn’t materialise in the filmmaking process.

The fight scenes are meh. Every one lacks any weight because frankly you don’t give a fuck about any of this while watching. You don’t care which Transformer fights which because they’re all so underutilised and shallow that you could probably get more pizzazz in banging your stapler against the computer mouse on a slow day at the office. I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s how half these scenes of metal clunking against metal were storyboarded. And they don’t mean anything either, Transformers are rarely shown actually being killed, and yet the ones shown dying without any fights or lead-up (because the editing is god-awful and rushed) are full on bleeding weird green blood which is probably too violent for a young kid, which is where this gritty, dark-looking, yet oddly cartoonish spaghetti-works is squarely aimed.

I should probably end this review somewhere. This sounds like a good place. I could go on and honestly, part of me felt the usual catharsis of a critic tearing a big-budget Hollywood mess to shreds, and giving the finger to this kind of spiteful, audience-hating focus-grouped piss that flows through the summer action blockbuster gate from time to time, but another part of me doesn’t feel that catharsis. Instead, a part of me feels a silent rage, because I know this review, or any other review, or any of all the people who happen to see these movies for what I could only describe as sheer self-flagellation and tell everyone else it is complete garbage, it won’t stop Michael Bay making Transformers, and it sure as hell won’t stop the franchise. Somehow this is what gets bankrolled over those millions of other screenplays of what could be great action blockbusters. Michael Bay has said he’s stepping down from the Transformers franchise, but that’s what he always says. Paramount have two more Transformers movies lined up for the next two years, they see this as being able to grow out into yet another expanded universe franchise with Bumblebee getting a spin-off movie. I know this is useless, this review. It’s just words screamed into a void, a void of producers and executives running endless focus groups, workshopping the movies through too many editors and writers and camera lenses for maximum 3D so everyone can spend the biggest amount of dollars possible. Because this is the thing: Michael Bay doesn’t care. Mark Wahlberg doesn’t care. Anthony Hopkins doesn’t care. Maybe the digital effects people care. All the people involved in this production, they watch the finished product and I’m sure that no matter where they thought their part was going, they were a little deflated and depressed by it too, especially the fifth time around, but they can forget about their shame at the end of the day. Because they’re all getting their paycheck and a contract for Transformers 6, and you’re doing yourself out of the $20+ you spent to see this rotten film.

(Transformers: The Last Knight is currently showing.)

[placetobenation]

Place to Be Nation’s staff breaks down all the action from Hell in a Cell 2018.

New Day (c) vs. Rusev Day – Smackdown Tag Team Title Match

Matt Souza: For the second straight month, Rusev is wrestling on the pre-show. Shameful!!! And on Rusev Day no less!!! When will these injustices end?!?! In all seriousness, when looking over the card, this match was the only choice for the pre-show as the rest of the card was pretty loaded. I was pleased to see New Day win the tag belts from the Bludgeon Brothers in a great No DQ match on SmackDown a few weeks ago. I was also pleasantly surprised that Rusev Day won the number one contender tournament as I thought that The Bar was going to take it. We did get some entertaining pre-match shenanigans from both teams. I am also excited about pumpkin spice season, Kofi! One of these days, Big E is going to really hurt himself or his opponent with that apron spear to the outside. It’s terrifying every time he does it. A highlight was a great looking mid-air kick by Rusev to Kofi when he was going for a dive to the outside. Kofi scores the victory for his team after hitting Aiden English with the Trouble in Paradise and I was kind of surprised that they didn’t do the Rusev Day breakup here. It’s been teased for a while. Maybe they do it at Survivor Series? Match started a little slow but really picked up steam by the end. I’d love to see what these teams can do with a little more time. A fine way to kick off the night’s festivities. **3/4

Jeff Hardy vs. Randy Orton – Hell in a Cell

Greg Phillips: One of the better-built rivalries on WWE’s current premiere brand (in terms of quality), Jeff Hardy and Randy Orton promised to deliver violence and carnage in one of only two Hell in a Cell matches at … Hell in a Cell. Did they deliver? As it turns out, in spades. In an ideal wrestling card, every match fills a role. In this case, perhaps surprisingly, it was two veterans often accused of coasting on reputation who delivered the most violent match of the evening and one of the most violent weapons matches in WWE in recent years. It was a match that mixed Orton’s methodical pacing and technical execution with Hardy’s innovation and borderline-reckless disregard for his own safety.

While Jeff had moments, most of the highlights came from Orton’s offensive flurries, including one of the sickest spots ever in a WWE match, as Orton twisted a screwdriver into Hardy’s ear, a spot that has to be seen to be believed. Hardy bumped around like a guy in his 20s, including taking a gourdbuster onto an upside-down ladder. The finish was spectacular, as Hardy (appropriately) flamed out on an attempted monkey bar-style fall from the top of the cell and crashed through a table. Orton didn’t escape unharmed, though, as his back and thigh were badly cut during the match. Both guys delivered beyond expectations with a truly violent match in an era with relatively few of those. ***1/2

Charlotte (c) vs. Becky Lynch – Smackdown Women’s Title Match

Stacey O’Loughlin: FIFTY HUNDRED GAZMILLION STARS~! OK no really. I was worried about both watching and reviewing this match because the only result I wanted was Becky winning clean, and I was mentally prepared to expect literally any other result than Becky winning clean. So you can imagine my astonished, euphoric delight when Rebecca Lynch did, in fact, win the Smackdown Women’s Championship of the World clean as a freshly laundered sheet. Get in!

I thought the match itself was really good and ticked a lot of boxes – it was wrestled fairly technically but still felt super snug and spiteful, it was a strong match and yet still left a LOT on the table for rematches, and it had a clean finish which didn’t cheapen Becky or Charlotte and still set up those rematches logically. Becky attacked the arm relentlessly, and Charlotte did well put in the rare position of working out of a disadvantage. I loved the strike exchanges, and cool moments like Charlotte’s one armed powerbomb or Becky’s Scorpion Death Drop with a hammerlock. And also, SHE WON! WAR BECKY! Rating: ***1/2

The Shield vs. Dolph Ziggler & Drew McIntyre (c) – Raw Tag Team Title Match

JA D’Amato: A hot “Burn it down!” chant from the San Antonio faithful busted out as Seth Rollins and Dolph Ziggler locked up to start. Corey and Renee recap the history of their feud and the Shield beat downs at the hands of Braun Strowman and company for those who don’t tune into Raw. Ziggler with a Jesse Ventura special, raking Ambrose’s eyes across the top rope prompting Corey to quip “If you can’t see you can’t fight!” Dolph and Drew dominated with old school double team maneuvers took turns distracting the referee. Dolph taunted Seth relentlessly telling him to “Do something! Do something!” Ambrose then broke up a pin attempt and Drew screamed at the ref to “Disqualify his arse!” Ambrose finally got the hot tag and showed that his offense has improved upon his return from injury with less cartoon moves and more seriousness. A furious trade of pinfall attempts sent the crowd into a frenzy as Rollins’ splash on Drew got a close two count. Rollins caught Dolph with a superplex off the top rope and went for a suplex when Drew buried him with a Claymore Kick and Dolph flopped on top of him for the pin. Both teams kept up a frenetic pace for a tag team thriller. ***1/2

AJ Styles (c) vs. Samoa Joe – Smackdown World Title Match

Scott Criscuolo: The sequel to the emotional war at SummerSlam was very different. I’ve noticed that AJ Styles usually doesn’t have that superstar ***** star match with everybody the first time around. For instance his WrestleMania match with Nakamura was not the best of that LONG series. The match with Joe in Brooklyn was great, but you got the feeling it can be topped. This one was better. We didn’t have the dog and pony show of AJ’s family in the crowd and the storyline leaning over it all. This match was going to be straight up back and forth. And it was. Joe went out and threw everything including the kitchen sink at AJ from strikes to kicks to pitching AJ all over, in and out of the ring. We get some awesome close calls, and then… the tried and true ending to the middle match of a trilogy. It’s not a “dusty finish” by any stretch, but it’s an unclean finish. Joe finally gets AJ cranked in the Coquina Clutch, and AJ is fighting. Then, he does the “Bret Hart” trick. That’s backing up, and flipping over your opponent on a neck/head submission move. So AJ flips over, and Joe’s shoulders are pinned to the mat. AJ retains his Title, but Joe is visibly pissed off that he wasn’t finished off first. “First”? After a few minutes we see the reverse of the ring shot, and there’s AJ, TAPPING on Joe’s torso during the pinfall. So Joe felt the tapping, and felt he won before the three count happened. Later in the show, Joe tries to strong arm Paige, and she relents a little, giving Joe another WWE Title shot. It will be October 7 in Melbourne. We will see where this feud goes from here. This match was tremendous back and forth, with a controversial ending that will lead us to more. ****

Daniel Bryan & Brie Bella vs. The Miz & Maryse

Jennifer Smith: In a show filled with heavy, intense matches, this one was decidedly lighter. Since Miz’s win against Bryan at SummerSlam, (with some help from his lady, natch) the “It” couple have been a thorn in the side of Daniel and Brie. A mixed tag match should solve that problem, right? Things start off slowly, with Maryse dodging Brie and immediately tagging Miz, who in turn avoids Bryan.  More tagging shenanigans lead to the crowd chanting “Coward!’ while Maryse taunts Brie repeatedly. The boys have a nice sequence including a kick to Miz’s face, a back and neck breaker combo on Bryan, and a few near falls by both guys. Finally, Daniel tags Brie in and of course Maryse cowers while Miz comes to her defense. Brie is having none of it and attacks Miz with punches, then manages to kick Maryse to the floor and follows that up with slamming her head into the announce table. Both couples are brawling now. Back in the center of the ring, Daniel and Brie deliver slightly poorly timed simultaneous “YES” kicks. M&M roll away and try to escape up the ramp but are dragged back.  Brie mode is activated, she and Maryse tie up, but all of a sudden Maryse gets the pin! Brie looks shocked and so does everyone else. M&M celebrate by making out and presumably a hot fuck backstage.

Look, I know this wasn’t everyone’s cup of tea but I enjoyed it. Both couples looked really in tune with each other. The storytelling is good and I think Miz and Maryse are fun heels who seem to actually enjoy being arrogant pricks. The ending was surprising, especially with Maryse getting the pin. But I like surprises and it worked for me. **1/2

Ronda Rousey (c) vs. Alexa Bliss – Raw Women’s Title Match

JT Rozzero: In our big SummerSlam rematch, the two key ladies on top of the Raw mountain were sure to bring plenty of backup for this war. Alexa Bliss was flanked by Alicia Fox and Mickie James while Ronda Rousey was accompanied by her confidant Natalya. The crowd was pretty into this early, showering Bliss with hate and Rousey with a loud cheer blended with a smattering of boos as well. Ronda controlled early, trying to keep things on the mat until decking Bliss with a hard right hand after Alexa disrespected her with a slap. Bliss caught Ronda with a kick and went at the ribs but that was short-lived and Ronda was back on top quickly. Bliss’ entourage tried to help but it kept backfiring until Bliss finally sorted out a way to get some offense in, including a stiff kick to the gut. That shot paid off as Ronda’s ribs prevented her from tossing Bliss a moment later, allowing the challenger to get back to work on the midsection. Ronda got caught on top and ended up in a brief Tree of Woe, which gave Bliss another window to batter the ribs. Alicia and Mickie got involved again but this time Natalya came over to help to even things out. Rousey and Bliss would collide on cross body attempts but Bliss recovered first and kept slugging away at the core. Rousey fired herself up and got a big powerbomb to kick off her comeback and that led us into our home stretch, capped by Ronda eventually finishing Alexa by submission. This was a fine match that showcased Ronda’s selling. The midsection focus was well done and they got into the heat segment sharply and believably. The crowd wasn’t too engaged here but it was solid work across the board and another impressive Rousey performance as she continues a dominant rookie year. Who’s next? **3/4

Roman Reigns vs. Braun Strowman – Raw World Title Hell in a Cell Match

Jacob Williams: For the main event, we had Braun Strowman choosing to schedule his MITB cash in and it was clear that there might be some shenanigans here. They couldn’t have Roman lose right after he finally conquered Brock, and if they have Braun go down clean, they really run the risk of putting out his fire. Although, many would argue that his heat has already started to dissipate. Foley was thrown in as guest referee because he knows a few things about the cell.

The match was made up of three distinct segments that really didn’t gel. It started pretty solid, as you would expect from these two: Braun beat the hell out of Roman, who sold well while getting in a few big bits of offense to keep himself alive. And then everything just went off the rails. Each guy’s crew came out to battle outside, and then eventually, atop the cell. But while Ziggler and Rollins crashed through the announce tables, the guys in the actual match were just sort of laying around for ten minutes. After the Shield and Ziglintyre wiped themselves out, Brock Lesnar shockingly came out and hit a few F5s. And that was it.

It was cool to see Brock come out looking great, proving that he still cared about the title and wasn’t just going to quietly fade away, but suddenly ending the match right after was weird and unsatisfying. Through the entire show we get references to Foley’s wild performance where he nearly died and still finished his infamous cell match – then we get two guys unable to continue after a few F5s following ten minutes of laying around. And one of them is supposed to be an inhuman monster that flips ambulances. It’s as if they wanted to throw out as much as possible to distract from the fact that not much really happened between the guys actually in the match. It made for an underwhelming, disjointed finish to an otherwise good show. **

[adambstingus]

You May Be A Good Dude, But Here’s Why You’re Single

I used to be a “Nice Girl” — a former walking Taylor Swift song in geeky glasses who’d stare longingly through your bedroom window while singing about how terrible your girlfriend is. I used to make homemade fudge for all the cute boys in the hope they’d notice me. Now, I write romance novels. And when I published a book about ghosts and serial killers, the creepy stalker guy was the one who attracted weirdly devoted fan girls.

The point is, I know where nice guys are coming from. I’ve cringed while watching them unknowingly sabotage their relationships. I’ve winced through stories from my female friends of how nice guys became creepy. I’ve watched good guys like you chase away nice girls who really did once want to give them a chance. So if you don’t understand how your sweetness and good intentions could possibly scare anyone away, buckle up, because I’m about to give you some inside info on where you’re going wrong.

5

The Big Sickly Sweet Romantic Gesture

Here’s a fun game. Sit down with a bunch of girls and ask them to make a list of the sweetest, most romantic things a guy they like has ever done for them. Then ask them to make a list of the creepiest, scariest, most WTF things a guy they didn’t like had ever done to try to get their attention. Then count how many of the exact same things are on both lists.

Sappy poetry, sketches, drawings, acoustic ballads, mix tapes — sweet, personalized, homemade gestures are the unstable land mines of romantic weapons. Get it right and you’ll demolish the competition, shake the ground, and blow away … um … whatever gets exploded when two people suddenly decide they really like each other.

Get it wrong and you’ve just shot Cupid’s dick clean off.

pixdeluxe/iStock “I made a sand castle based on floor plans from your childhood home.”

Hey, this former fudge-making girl gets the appeal of sweet sappy gestures. I’ve written poetry for guys I liked. I’ve made mixtapes and playlists. Hell, I’ve even sewn things for guys. And I’ve included all kinds of grand romantic gestures in books I’ve written. The entertainment industry has been living off the sweet romantic gesture long before lovestruck 90s kids held boomboxes over their heads. When it comes to love, we’re trained to think bigger is better.

In movies, it doesn’t even matter how jerky your gesture is. In the grand cheerleading epic Bring It On, cute-guy-who-recently-did-an-NCIS-cameo (Jesse Bradford) shows up at head cheerleader Kirsten Dunst’s house with a cassette tape of a song he wrote for her. The song starts off with him insulting the most important thing in her life, before telling her he wants to feed her chocolates and screw her in a barn. Because it’s a movie, she starts dancing on her bed in her pajamas and spanking herself with her pompoms.

Universal Pictures This is not love.

In real life, there are just so many ways to get it wrong.

First off, it has to be really good. Bad amateur poetry and crappy artwork is just sad. Beyond that, there’s no faster way to look creepy than to come on way too strong … which makes music especially dangerous because there aren’t that many songs with lyrics like, “Hey, I think you’re kind of cute and I’d like to maybe go out sometime, if that’s cool with you.”

That aside, you’ve both got to be on the exact same page for it to work. If you take her out to dinner and she hates the food, you can both laugh it off and move on. But if you spend hours writing her a song, composing a poem, or organizing a flash mob to do a choreographed dance, she has to really love it. Like a lot. Because if she’s just “meh” about it, there’s no going back from that. You’ve just crammed any hope of a relationship into your ass and fart-launched it into the sun.

Because your sickly, sweet, romantic art is your goddamn heart spilled out on paper. It’s throwing the biggest weapon you’ll ever have — and that’s an incredibly big, risky, and frankly stupid thing to do. Whether she likes it or not, you’ve just put her on the spot. It’s often embarrassing and uncomfortable … and why would you want to embarrass someone you like? That doesn’t get fun until marriage.

Martin Dimitrov/iStock “That doesn’t even look like me. Terrible.”

You want to try a real-life sickly sweet romantic gesture on a real human girl? Start small. Nothing big. Nothing intense. Nothing pledging undying love. Don’t blow your romantic wad on someone you haven’t actually dated yet (or worse: is in a relationship with someone else). Because that’s just awkward and uncomfortable for everyone.

4

The Freaking Generous Grand Gesture

A friend of mine had been dating Mr. Nice Guy for about a week when she made an offhand joke about needing a massage. To her shock, he showed up for their next date with a gift-wrapped exotic personal massager. I know a guy who paid a girl’s credit card bills before he’d taken her on a first date. I know another who decided a weeklong trip together at Disney World would be the perfect way to start a brand-new relationship — and he lives in Canada.

Nice people kick ass at grand gestures. But every single one of those relationships I mentioned ended up crashing and burning in a big ball of flames and humiliation. Because here’s the thing: Grand gestures — especially financial ones — are very uncomfortable and even just plain crazy to people who aren’t used to it.

Money makes people weird. It just does. Especially when everyone else shows up to a birthday party thinking a “hey” is all the occasion requires, and you walk in with a gift-wrapped Xbox.

Don’t you hate being around the kind of asshole who’s always showing off that he has more money than you? How about the slimy turd who’s always paying the bill but leaves you feeling like he’s running some creepy agenda? Those guys are movie punchlines, villains, or Richard Gere. Don’t start off a relationship looking like a bag of money who’s saving the prostitute.

The gut reaction to this is: “I’ve spent a lifetime being told I should pay for dates and now you’re telling me that women hate men who pay for things? So, basically I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t?”

No, I’m saying your big, grand gestures might be self-sabotaging. You want to pick up the check? Then try asking the object of your affection if they’re cool with it. Or “Hey, I was thinking of booking something really fancy for our first date. Is that cool with you, or would you rather do something low key?” Remember, there are two of you in this thing. You’ve got to think about what’s not going to make it uncomfortable for her.

If your intention is to impress her with a fancy night out, and she’s on board with that idea, it’s going to be awesome. If your intention is to make her feel like she owes you something in return, you’re not actually a nice guy — you’re just a piece of shit.

3

Showering Them With Time And Attention, All The Time … Non Stop

One of the worst things I ever did, back in my nice girl, Taylor Swift stage was try to charm my way into a hot guy’s heart by giving him a personalized version of that stalker classic song where the guy pledges to watch his beloved constantly, every step she takes, every move she makes, because she belongs to him. It failed. Oh, how it failed.

For most women, nothing is creepier than a guy who smothers her by wanting to be around her, all the time. Which is really bad news for nice guys, because wanting exactly that is in their nature. They click “like” on all of her social media posts. They offer to help her with work, hobbies, homework. They show up when she gets off work to give her a ride. Being everywhere she is, all the time, forever, quickly goes from “He seems sweet” to “Ugh! Leave me alone for two goddamn minutes” to “I’m calling the police.”

I know a chick who freaked out at a guy for liking all of her posts, on all of her social media accounts, the second she posted them (He’d set up a bunch of alerts). I know another girl who ran screaming from a nice guy when it became clear he changed his bus schedule in order to sit near her every day. Basically any time you find yourself arguing with someone you barely know about why she doesn’t text you more often, you can presume the little voice in her head is chanting, “Run, run, run, RUN!”

Seems harsh? Well, from a woman’s perspective there are way more creepy, controlling, possessive, asshole stalker dudes in the world than there are nice guys. How’s she supposed to know you’re not one of them? It’s important to know that this isn’t your fault … but if you overcorrect by being around nonstop to show her how much of a normal guy you are, you’re just cranking the volume on her stalker alarm.

2

The “I’m Just Trying To Protect You” Thing

The world is full of assholes and creeps, and from the perspective of nice guys, too many hot and interesting women gravitate toward them. If only the evildoers among us were unmasked and the pretty girl at the next desk really saw just how bad that guy is, she’d fall right into your arms. Or at the very least, you’d be saving her a world of hurt.

Look, I get it. It’s noble to want to rescue people. There’s a whole subgenre of angsty music dedicated to helping girls see that their boyfriend’s a dick and a douchebag, and you can’t believe she’s really going out with him because he doesn’t know anything about her because he isn’t what a prince and lover ought to be. Which can be very sweet and very caring. Sometimes. But honestly? It can also be patronizing as hell and extremely annoying, because basically what you’re saying to a fellow grown-ass human being is that you know better than her and she’s not smart enough to know what she’s gotten herself into. You’re telling her that by going out with that guy, she’s being duped. You might as well be shouting directly into her face, “Wake up, you fucking idiot!”

It comes in lots of forms: “Here’s all the dirt on the guy you’re dating. Here’s why he’s no good for you. If you were my girl, you’d be treated like a queen,” or “Please don’t do this thing I don’t like because it’s bad for you, and I want you to be healthy and happy,” or “Please don’t ruin yourself by screwing that guy, or getting that tattoo, or going to that college, or whatever.” All of that boils down to, “Hey girl! I know what you need better than you do!”

Whether you like it or not, she’s got a reason for doing whatever she’s doing. Sure, you can offer to weigh in as a friend. But be prepared that she might not want to hear your opinion and it’s likely to piss her off.

Her body, heart, future, and mind are her business. Those things belong to her. Not you. Forgetting that, or acting like she doesn’t make good decisions, or nagging her about her life after she’s told you to drop it, will make you look like an asshole and fast.

You care. You’re nice. But as much as you’re going to hate hearing this: Sometimes, being too nice really is the problem. And that brings me to the point that is going to sound like an alien language to nice guys …

1

You Avoid Confrontation At All Costs

Nice people don’t like fighting. They don’t like hurting people, so they don’t risk confrontation. Because of that, they often don’t say what they mean. They also don’t like rejection, so instead of just coming out and saying they’re interested in a person, they drop hints. Then they get frustrated and hurt when that person doesn’t catch on. Unfortunately, that all adds up to make you look like a petrified little kid.

If nice people are lucky enough to get into a relationship, they’ll do just about anything to keep it … which often means avoiding arguments. They won’t bring up what’s bothering them, especially if the source of that hurt (even unintentionally) is their significant other. Instead they hide it, ignore it, or sugar coat it for a REALLY long time, until they finally hit a breaking point, and it shoots out of their word hole like emotional projectile vomit. What should have been a simple, honest conversation turns into a huge blow-out argument.

Don’t do that.

Conflict and confrontation are a major part of relationships. You can’t ask her out if you can’t confront her. You can’t fix a fractured relationship if you don’t talk about the conflict. The important part is remembering that there’s a difference between “I’d like to talk about something that’s been bothering me” and “You’ve been a fucking bitch lately, and now it’s throw-down time!”

It’s terrifying — god knows I get that — but it’s necessary. You want to show a grand gesture of your love and commitment? This is the best way to do it. If the relationship has problems, talking about it (and, yes, even arguing about it) shows that you care enough to fix it. If you like the pretty girl, let her know in a straightforward, simple, and honest way. Remember, if she’s a nice girl, she’s probably just as terrified as you. But at least it won’t be because you came across as a creepy stalker freak show.

Mags writes books with kissing and ghosts in them. You can bother her on Twitter.

The proliferation of beer pong and craft beer may have you think that we’re living in one of the peak times to get drunk, but humans have been getting famously hammered for millennia. Like a frat house’s lawn after a kegger, history is littered with world-changing events that were secretly powered by booze. The inaugural games of the Roman Coliseum, the drafting of the U.S. Constitution, and the Russian Revolution were all capped off by major parties that most attendees probably regretted in the morning.

Join Jack O’Brien and Cracked staffers Carmen Angelica, Alex Schmidt, Michael Swaim, plus comedian Blake Wexler for a retelling of history’s biggest moments you didn’t realize everyone was drunk for.

Get your tickets here:

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/you-may-be-a-good-dude-but-heres-why-youre-single/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/175073121532

[allofbeercom]

You May Be A Good Dude, But Here’s Why You’re Single

I used to be a “Nice Girl” — a former walking Taylor Swift song in geeky glasses who’d stare longingly through your bedroom window while singing about how terrible your girlfriend is. I used to make homemade fudge for all the cute boys in the hope they’d notice me. Now, I write romance novels. And when I published a book about ghosts and serial killers, the creepy stalker guy was the one who attracted weirdly devoted fan girls.

The point is, I know where nice guys are coming from. I’ve cringed while watching them unknowingly sabotage their relationships. I’ve winced through stories from my female friends of how nice guys became creepy. I’ve watched good guys like you chase away nice girls who really did once want to give them a chance. So if you don’t understand how your sweetness and good intentions could possibly scare anyone away, buckle up, because I’m about to give you some inside info on where you’re going wrong.

5

The Big Sickly Sweet Romantic Gesture

Here’s a fun game. Sit down with a bunch of girls and ask them to make a list of the sweetest, most romantic things a guy they like has ever done for them. Then ask them to make a list of the creepiest, scariest, most WTF things a guy they didn’t like had ever done to try to get their attention. Then count how many of the exact same things are on both lists.

Sappy poetry, sketches, drawings, acoustic ballads, mix tapes — sweet, personalized, homemade gestures are the unstable land mines of romantic weapons. Get it right and you’ll demolish the competition, shake the ground, and blow away … um … whatever gets exploded when two people suddenly decide they really like each other.

Get it wrong and you’ve just shot Cupid’s dick clean off.

pixdeluxe/iStock “I made a sand castle based on floor plans from your childhood home.”

Hey, this former fudge-making girl gets the appeal of sweet sappy gestures. I’ve written poetry for guys I liked. I’ve made mixtapes and playlists. Hell, I’ve even sewn things for guys. And I’ve included all kinds of grand romantic gestures in books I’ve written. The entertainment industry has been living off the sweet romantic gesture long before lovestruck 90s kids held boomboxes over their heads. When it comes to love, we’re trained to think bigger is better.

In movies, it doesn’t even matter how jerky your gesture is. In the grand cheerleading epic Bring It On, cute-guy-who-recently-did-an-NCIS-cameo (Jesse Bradford) shows up at head cheerleader Kirsten Dunst’s house with a cassette tape of a song he wrote for her. The song starts off with him insulting the most important thing in her life, before telling her he wants to feed her chocolates and screw her in a barn. Because it’s a movie, she starts dancing on her bed in her pajamas and spanking herself with her pompoms.

Universal Pictures This is not love.

In real life, there are just so many ways to get it wrong.

First off, it has to be really good. Bad amateur poetry and crappy artwork is just sad. Beyond that, there’s no faster way to look creepy than to come on way too strong … which makes music especially dangerous because there aren’t that many songs with lyrics like, “Hey, I think you’re kind of cute and I’d like to maybe go out sometime, if that’s cool with you.”

That aside, you’ve both got to be on the exact same page for it to work. If you take her out to dinner and she hates the food, you can both laugh it off and move on. But if you spend hours writing her a song, composing a poem, or organizing a flash mob to do a choreographed dance, she has to really love it. Like a lot. Because if she’s just “meh” about it, there’s no going back from that. You’ve just crammed any hope of a relationship into your ass and fart-launched it into the sun.

Because your sickly, sweet, romantic art is your goddamn heart spilled out on paper. It’s throwing the biggest weapon you’ll ever have — and that’s an incredibly big, risky, and frankly stupid thing to do. Whether she likes it or not, you’ve just put her on the spot. It’s often embarrassing and uncomfortable … and why would you want to embarrass someone you like? That doesn’t get fun until marriage.

Martin Dimitrov/iStock “That doesn’t even look like me. Terrible.”

You want to try a real-life sickly sweet romantic gesture on a real human girl? Start small. Nothing big. Nothing intense. Nothing pledging undying love. Don’t blow your romantic wad on someone you haven’t actually dated yet (or worse: is in a relationship with someone else). Because that’s just awkward and uncomfortable for everyone.

4

The Freaking Generous Grand Gesture

A friend of mine had been dating Mr. Nice Guy for about a week when she made an offhand joke about needing a massage. To her shock, he showed up for their next date with a gift-wrapped exotic personal massager. I know a guy who paid a girl’s credit card bills before he’d taken her on a first date. I know another who decided a weeklong trip together at Disney World would be the perfect way to start a brand-new relationship — and he lives in Canada.

Nice people kick ass at grand gestures. But every single one of those relationships I mentioned ended up crashing and burning in a big ball of flames and humiliation. Because here’s the thing: Grand gestures — especially financial ones — are very uncomfortable and even just plain crazy to people who aren’t used to it.

Money makes people weird. It just does. Especially when everyone else shows up to a birthday party thinking a “hey” is all the occasion requires, and you walk in with a gift-wrapped Xbox.

Don’t you hate being around the kind of asshole who’s always showing off that he has more money than you? How about the slimy turd who’s always paying the bill but leaves you feeling like he’s running some creepy agenda? Those guys are movie punchlines, villains, or Richard Gere. Don’t start off a relationship looking like a bag of money who’s saving the prostitute.

The gut reaction to this is: “I’ve spent a lifetime being told I should pay for dates and now you’re telling me that women hate men who pay for things? So, basically I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t?”

No, I’m saying your big, grand gestures might be self-sabotaging. You want to pick up the check? Then try asking the object of your affection if they’re cool with it. Or “Hey, I was thinking of booking something really fancy for our first date. Is that cool with you, or would you rather do something low key?” Remember, there are two of you in this thing. You’ve got to think about what’s not going to make it uncomfortable for her.

If your intention is to impress her with a fancy night out, and she’s on board with that idea, it’s going to be awesome. If your intention is to make her feel like she owes you something in return, you’re not actually a nice guy — you’re just a piece of shit.

3

Showering Them With Time And Attention, All The Time … Non Stop

One of the worst things I ever did, back in my nice girl, Taylor Swift stage was try to charm my way into a hot guy’s heart by giving him a personalized version of that stalker classic song where the guy pledges to watch his beloved constantly, every step she takes, every move she makes, because she belongs to him. It failed. Oh, how it failed.

For most women, nothing is creepier than a guy who smothers her by wanting to be around her, all the time. Which is really bad news for nice guys, because wanting exactly that is in their nature. They click “like” on all of her social media posts. They offer to help her with work, hobbies, homework. They show up when she gets off work to give her a ride. Being everywhere she is, all the time, forever, quickly goes from “He seems sweet” to “Ugh! Leave me alone for two goddamn minutes” to “I’m calling the police.”

I know a chick who freaked out at a guy for liking all of her posts, on all of her social media accounts, the second she posted them (He’d set up a bunch of alerts). I know another girl who ran screaming from a nice guy when it became clear he changed his bus schedule in order to sit near her every day. Basically any time you find yourself arguing with someone you barely know about why she doesn’t text you more often, you can presume the little voice in her head is chanting, “Run, run, run, RUN!”

Seems harsh? Well, from a woman’s perspective there are way more creepy, controlling, possessive, asshole stalker dudes in the world than there are nice guys. How’s she supposed to know you’re not one of them? It’s important to know that this isn’t your fault … but if you overcorrect by being around nonstop to show her how much of a normal guy you are, you’re just cranking the volume on her stalker alarm.

2

The “I’m Just Trying To Protect You” Thing

The world is full of assholes and creeps, and from the perspective of nice guys, too many hot and interesting women gravitate toward them. If only the evildoers among us were unmasked and the pretty girl at the next desk really saw just how bad that guy is, she’d fall right into your arms. Or at the very least, you’d be saving her a world of hurt.

Look, I get it. It’s noble to want to rescue people. There’s a whole subgenre of angsty music dedicated to helping girls see that their boyfriend’s a dick and a douchebag, and you can’t believe she’s really going out with him because he doesn’t know anything about her because he isn’t what a prince and lover ought to be. Which can be very sweet and very caring. Sometimes. But honestly? It can also be patronizing as hell and extremely annoying, because basically what you’re saying to a fellow grown-ass human being is that you know better than her and she’s not smart enough to know what she’s gotten herself into. You’re telling her that by going out with that guy, she’s being duped. You might as well be shouting directly into her face, “Wake up, you fucking idiot!”

It comes in lots of forms: “Here’s all the dirt on the guy you’re dating. Here’s why he’s no good for you. If you were my girl, you’d be treated like a queen,” or “Please don’t do this thing I don’t like because it’s bad for you, and I want you to be healthy and happy,” or “Please don’t ruin yourself by screwing that guy, or getting that tattoo, or going to that college, or whatever.” All of that boils down to, “Hey girl! I know what you need better than you do!”

Whether you like it or not, she’s got a reason for doing whatever she’s doing. Sure, you can offer to weigh in as a friend. But be prepared that she might not want to hear your opinion and it’s likely to piss her off.

Her body, heart, future, and mind are her business. Those things belong to her. Not you. Forgetting that, or acting like she doesn’t make good decisions, or nagging her about her life after she’s told you to drop it, will make you look like an asshole and fast.

You care. You’re nice. But as much as you’re going to hate hearing this: Sometimes, being too nice really is the problem. And that brings me to the point that is going to sound like an alien language to nice guys …

1

You Avoid Confrontation At All Costs

Nice people don’t like fighting. They don’t like hurting people, so they don’t risk confrontation. Because of that, they often don’t say what they mean. They also don’t like rejection, so instead of just coming out and saying they’re interested in a person, they drop hints. Then they get frustrated and hurt when that person doesn’t catch on. Unfortunately, that all adds up to make you look like a petrified little kid.

If nice people are lucky enough to get into a relationship, they’ll do just about anything to keep it … which often means avoiding arguments. They won’t bring up what’s bothering them, especially if the source of that hurt (even unintentionally) is their significant other. Instead they hide it, ignore it, or sugar coat it for a REALLY long time, until they finally hit a breaking point, and it shoots out of their word hole like emotional projectile vomit. What should have been a simple, honest conversation turns into a huge blow-out argument.

Don’t do that.

Conflict and confrontation are a major part of relationships. You can’t ask her out if you can’t confront her. You can’t fix a fractured relationship if you don’t talk about the conflict. The important part is remembering that there’s a difference between “I’d like to talk about something that’s been bothering me” and “You’ve been a fucking bitch lately, and now it’s throw-down time!”

It’s terrifying — god knows I get that — but it’s necessary. You want to show a grand gesture of your love and commitment? This is the best way to do it. If the relationship has problems, talking about it (and, yes, even arguing about it) shows that you care enough to fix it. If you like the pretty girl, let her know in a straightforward, simple, and honest way. Remember, if she’s a nice girl, she’s probably just as terrified as you. But at least it won’t be because you came across as a creepy stalker freak show.

Mags writes books with kissing and ghosts in them. You can bother her on Twitter.

The proliferation of beer pong and craft beer may have you think that we’re living in one of the peak times to get drunk, but humans have been getting famously hammered for millennia. Like a frat house’s lawn after a kegger, history is littered with world-changing events that were secretly powered by booze. The inaugural games of the Roman Coliseum, the drafting of the U.S. Constitution, and the Russian Revolution were all capped off by major parties that most attendees probably regretted in the morning.

Join Jack O’Brien and Cracked staffers Carmen Angelica, Alex Schmidt, Michael Swaim, plus comedian Blake Wexler for a retelling of history’s biggest moments you didn’t realize everyone was drunk for.

Get your tickets here:

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/you-may-be-a-good-dude-but-heres-why-youre-single/

[thatsnotperiod-blog]

HOT DOG after what seems like and may actually be years of waiting I am watching Wolf Hall for free. 

It starts with the Good Stuff, which is to say 1529 when Henry VIII had succumbed to full-fledged Annulment Madness. Some intro text tells us this, and that Henry is sure all delays are Cardinal Wolsey’s fault. 

AND NOW THIS. Early in the morning, six riders are clomping up to York Place in London. Inside, a man I presume is Cromwell is watching the sunrise and lighting lamps. Jonathan Pryce in the role of Cardinal Wolsey prepares himself for a confrontation.

“Wolsey, you’re out!” is the first line uttered on this show. It’s not... as much of a humdinger as maybe they wanted. The guy uttering it is one of Lord Norfolk or Lord Suffolk, and considering that the latter of these two men was played by literally Henry Cavill on The Tudors, these two are disappointing. The point of the scene is that Norf and Suff are eager to bring down their enemy, and Wolsey is gracious, canny, and supported by the clever, loyal Thomas Cromwell. Meanwhile, Suffolk literally is breathing with his mouth open. 

But still the next morning the Yeomen of the Guard (kidding) are there packing up Wolsey’s shit so Mouth-Breathing: 1 Wolsey: 0. They punt off in a ... punt, I guess, and Wolsey is sticking up for King Henry graciously, while his men gripe about how it’s unfair. “Do you think it’s something about the English? They cannot see a great man set up but they have to pull him down?” Well Hilary Mantel certainly thinks so. 

EIGHT YEARS EARLIER. 

Anne Boleyn at a masked ball at the royal palace or whatever, where everybody is dressed as a virtue. This scene feels like a big fuck-you to The Tudors version of the exact same thing, all the women have their hair in bags, nobody’s shoulders are sticking out, there’s no grommets on anybody and the men are appropriately in tights and shoes. Joke’s on this show though, because no matter how smug they are about this costuming the end result is that this scene is full of people dressed like dopes. Also, Anne is dancing with Harry Percy and not Henry VIII. 

Wolsey is chewing out Anne’s dad for this dancing impropriety. He has a solution though: marry her off asap before anyone gossips. Ho hum, life in the past.

Speaking of life in the past, the same people who get worked up about grommets and snoods tend to get extremely worked up about lighting in period television, specifically, there is too much of it. With no ambient light and only so much physical space to put candles in, after the sun set people spent much of their time in extremely dark rooms. This show is really rubbing it in by showing us that Wolsey has only lit about half of the candles at his disposal, presumably because this is a business casual, semi-private meeting with a concerned father about how many boys his daughter hath given smooch to. The result is that the scene is dark though and I have to crank up the light on my laptop.

Cromwell is in the hallway and Thomas Boleyn tosses some Tudor insults (”butcher’s dog!”) at him on the way out, and Wolsey summons Cromwell in. There’s some obvious contrast with how in-charge and intimidating he looks behind his desk, compared to how nervous and flustered and pathetic he looked in the first scene and like, I get it, ok, point made. Wolsey is charmed by Cromwell as a fellow lowly origins success story, Cromwell is clearly looking at Wolsey and thinking that he wants what this guy has. “William Popely tells me I might find a use for you,” says Wolsey. “A man of many talents.” It’s the beginning of a beautiful friendship. 

Cromwell arrives home. Like everything else at night, it’s dark as h e l l. His wife hands him a dog that I can’t even squint out in the goddamned candlelight, and they share a sweet moment where Cromwell says he’s hitching his wagon to Wolsey’s. She’s a little skeptical of his obvious excitement, he’s understanding and keeps scritching at the lil dog. They like each other. Cute!

Morning. Cromwell reads a letter from his son and helps his daughters with their breakfast homework (or whatever). He gets a package in the mail. It’s a Contraband English Bible for Sneaky Protestants, Illegal Edition. He gives it a soft sell to his wife, who blows him off, so he opens a regular ol Latin Bible for his youngest daughter, Grace. She traces the illuminations of angels and peacocks, an action that given the Tudor importance of symbology is in no way foreboding.

Cromwell kisses everybody within reach and runs off for his first day of work. Everybody on the way in has shit to say about his Humble Origins. Crom shows Wolsey a card trick. Wolsey explains that he just heard some Divorce Murmuring from King Henry. 

Wolsey remembers when Queen Catherine came over from Spain to marry Henry’s dead brother Arthur. The dialogue (just like in The Tudors) interacts interestingly with the ~source material. Like here Wolsey remembers how “[Catherine’s] red hair slid over her shoulder” when he first saw her. In the real world, a herald recording Catherine’s arrival in London described “her hair hanging down about her shoulders, which is fair auburn,” like it’s not a direct quote but it’s funny to think of everybody in Tudor times sitting there thinking the same thing: shit her hair’s down.  

They talk a little bit about how Catherine is taking the whole annulment thing (not well, and specifically she’s mad at Wolsey). Wolsey jokes that maybe the two of them will have to do card tricks for cash very soon. 

Throughout pretty much every one of his scenes, Cromwell is dropping little references to all the badass/regular crazy stuff he did in his Mysterious Wastrel Past and like, I can hear Hilary Mantel breathing heavily from here. Cromwell is an interesting person, but the way he can’t shut up in this show about the wild & crazy shit he got up to, especially in Italy, is like 2 much. "Once, in Italy, I held a snake for a bet,” he says, and everyone is like WHOA WHOA WHOA YOU ARE STONE COLD CRAZY TELL ANOTHER ONE. What does “held a snake” mean?

Back to 1529. Wolsey & Co are clattering up to Wolsey’s place of exile. Cromwell is shouting at everyone to get their asses in gear making the place hospitable for Wolsey, who looks pretty shitty. Everyone is sluggish and tired and it’s raining and dark, like the whole scene is just maximum depressing. 

Later, Cromwell helps Wolsey into bed. They joke like old friends, but are both clearly freaked out. “This is what they’ve waited for,” says Wolsey. “You should leave me. Gardiner has.” Cromwell takes his hand and is like, “Gardiner would.” Haha fuck that guy.  

Jonathan Pryce’s sad, tearful eyes look up at him. Cromwell grabs a lute player or someone on his way out and asks him to go play for Wolsey: “it might help him rest.” Lute Guy’s name is Mark, so I assume he’s Mark Smeaton. In this show, he’s a dick, because the next morning Cromwell walks in on him predicting Wolsey’s downfall and death, and claiming that he’s getting sent to “the Lady Anne” so 100% confirmed for Smeaton.

Next scene, Cromwell at a dinner party with Antonio Bonvisi, a merchant and frequent More correspondent. The scene is like literally pitch black. I can’t see shit. The whole room gets quiet when Cromwell arrives, and he zeroes in on Sir Thomas More, telling him to continue with whatever smack he was talking about Wolsey. Bonvisi is like, a little annoyed with everyone trying to start shit, and introduces the new Spanish ambassador, Eustace Chapuys. Chapuys leans over to More and starts bad-mouthing Cromwell, but Cromwell makes it awkward by calling him out. More says Wolsey is greedy. Cromwell says More is greedy and also a hypocrite. Bonvisi is like “.......how is everybody’s herring.”

On the way out, Bonvisi dishes out some friendly advice about Wolsey: “Leave him now.” 

Cut to the past, but less, “eighteen months before Wolsey’s fall,” the Holy Roman Empire is rampaging everywhere and has taken the pope prisoner. 

Wolsey is pumped because he has a plan: while the pope is not home he’ll convene all the cardinals in France and, in the course of being the interim government of the Catholic Church, slap a quick annulment on Henry. They talk a little bit about Anne Boleyn. Wolsey glibly Underestimates Her. His downfall has begun!

Home. Crom’s wife urges him to visit his father. His youngest daughter wanders in, wearing angel wings made out of peacock feathers. Just like the pictures she was looking at in that bible a bunch of scenes ago! The peacock, of course, is a common symbol of immortality but I’m sure this is not foreboding. Bedtime. Grace knocks on the door, claiming that she’s too warm. She’s still wearing her peacock angel wings. Crom sends her off, watching her wander down the hallway in her angel wings, you know, normal non-foreboding stuff. 

A scary part: Cromwell is off to work, chatting with his wife who’s still in bed. He takes off down the stairs, and then catches a glimpse of her on the landing. He turns around to tell her to go back to bed, but she’s.... not there. He looks everywhere, freaked out. It’s worth noting that he gallumphed and creaked down his old-ass stairs, and she didn’t make a sound.

He heads off anyway, to a quick Secret Protestant meeting where he warns everybody about Thomas More.

Then he heads home. It’s still light. His servants meet him at the door; his wife is dead. Cromwell sits tearfully on her bed. Someone rushes in to tell them that his daughters are dying too, and then they kind of...do. After that it’s still just the middle of the day so Cromwell is stuck looking at his garden. 

New day. Wolsey’s plan for a conclave didn’t work. Wolsey has a new plan: a papal envoy authorized to rule in the pope’s staid. His confidence in the plan seems a little manic; Cromwell is clearly bummed out that his whole family died.

He wanders over to a blacksmith, and has a flashback to his own childhood of having the bejeezus kicked out of him by his father (a blacksmith). And oh shit, it IS his father! He’s still a blacksmith and still mean. Like a real dick. Cromwell had been holding a hammer when he walked up; he puts it down. Cute horse, though. 

Next day he formally adopts his nephew. Apparently he has some other son wandering around somewhere but I assume we’ll get to him later. So, recap of remaining live Cromwells: Cromwell, Richard Cromwell (former nephew), Gregory Cromwell (off-screen), Unnamed Father Cromwell, Unnamed Sister Cromwell. 

And now for the legatine court! Queen Catherine testifies, and since it’s like, a matter of historical record every Queen Catherine in all of television (as well as the Shakespeare play) says the same words, “I was a true maid, without touch of man, and whether this is true or no, I put to your conscience.” 

King Henry blinks. Then they do the rest of the stuff, some crusty old guy tells the “last night I was in Spain” story, the crowd is weird, Cromwell looks grossed out. In the hallway, the Iron Bank of Braavos guy delivers news that the Pope has signed a treaty with the Holy Roman Empire so Wolsey is complete toast.

1529 again. Wolsey totters around in his garden looking pathetic. Cromwell off to visit Anne Boleyn. Mark Smeaton is there, and he’s still a dick. He’s not even playing his lute, just standing around like a dud. 

Anne is yelling at a curly little pup who runs to greet Cromwell. He scoops it up. She tries to snob him and he just stares back. She calls him “Cremuel” for like, reasons of her own. He argues that Wolsey is the only person who can get Henry an annulment. She thinks about it and decides she still hates Wolsey. Her sister, Mary, catches Cromwell on the way out and they talk a little good-natured shit about Anne. In fact all of her ladies are giving him sympathetic looks. He determines that things are grim for Wolsey, and that he needs to do more to speak up for him. 

He goes to talk with Norfolk, who tells him his chances of getting back in Parliament are not great, and talks more about Cromwell’s Humble Origins like, we get it. They have one of those weird, friendly conversations about how they don’t like each other that only men over the age of 40 in period television can have. It’s like they’re too genre-savvy to cooperate, the scoundrels!

Audience with Henry time! Henry’s still mad that Crom voted against war with France, and wants to yell about that. So he does! They talk a little bit about war with France and under what circumstances it could be a little cheaper. Then Henry’s like, “Master Cromwell, your reputation is bad,” and Cromwell is like shruggo. Henry asks why he won’t defend himself, and Cromwell’s like, “your majesty can form your own opinions” which is just exactly what Henry likes to hear. “I will,” he says. 

Cromwell comes back to Wolsey’s old apartment or whatever at court and has the painting guys paint in his coat of arms brighter. The end! Damn??

[yvaxilber]

n

falling in love with n 

i heard him talking on the phone a few days ago, he was going to come to the library with us

his voice was a soft hum , pillowish like a tractor engine being cranked up for the first time in ages

i’d never met him but the thought of going to the library with him filled me with joy and hope and strength. i was told by many people that we are very alike and that we must meet immediately, we met last night at r’s 

i don’t think it’s going to have any length, sounds like he’s leaving which casts a spell on last night in terms of its momentum -- 

hopefully it will be enough to propel me into something else

i asked him about pronouns and he said he’d ideally be referred to as ‘we’

we were going to play chess this morning but instead we talked about whether the colour spectrum is infinite / he kept wrapping himself up in his duvet and blanket leaving his eyes uncovered, i don’t know if it was an obvious display of vulnerability but he definitely invited me to spectate him, showing me his favourite youtube videos - lil peep? shot pup olympics? felt like i was a ghost

we were talking about how i felt i had no idea who he was but at the same time i’d never been more certain of anything in my life. he said he didn’t feel he really had a self -- which might explain my certainty

what happens when two fragmented ppl connect? what happens to all of the other fragments when you eventually slot together? it makes me wonder how multiple i really am, whether there is a sufficient container/casing - the form of which is enough to withstand another person’s container of a similar sort. it is possible that everyone is multiple and everyone has to filter through their ontological options before acting, but it is also possible that very few of those people are aware of it, which is another level of abstraction

this morning i read an excerpt of beckett’s molloy which n had bookmarked, after our abruptly silent sex

something about being underground in darkness for so long that you forget what light feels like, and your exit is your falling into a ditch 

space was put not only between us but between us and everything else in the room. i needed to interact with his objects. i did feel a sense of loss and discomfort but i remember thinking he was like a harmonica, and as soon as i think the noise has been made, i breathe in and it starts all over again, an endless loop. the english definition of madness is loop. i was unsure as to how to presume without disrupting him, the sex felt like a kind of tea-break, it was very functional, very formal, very mechanical, but also very charged, i wondered how i’d fuck if i was a man 

like a snack trolley pulled backwards through every carriage of a packed train 

is it worth even mentioning the continuous locking motion of eyes, he said he was trying to communicate something but it might not be ‘worth mentioning’ - i think this is an interesting phrase, worth mentioning. value utterance. 

i was afraid that if he said anything real i’d tell him i loved him already, although this precarious impulse did not fill me with much dread. it still does not. i have not investigated this claim further, it may be something to do with cocaine

while we watched the pink new year’s sun rise over peckham from r’s roof he was deciphering whether i was worth being with for the night. i could’ve fallen off the roof right there and then and not have minded a bit. i knew he was bigger than anything else but i’m unsure as to how much he gives away to others 

SORRY I”M QUITE BIZARRE 

it’s really hot when someone asks you to pass them their seeds 

i haven’t worked out anything about love institutionally except that my feelings are currently not unpleasant and potentially platonic. the thought of never seeing him again makes life seem profoundly dull, i would like to be warm but i don’t feel any need to rush, and i often do. i would enjoy admiring him from afar, in this circumstance i am proust and he is albertine 

i have tasted him (he is salty, not sweet), i have dipped my toes in his porridge, i have felt the hairs between his cheeks. it feels ecstatically ok

[melissaannegrey]

I’d just like to start by saying I’m sorry,  Sarah Mayberry.

She is clearly a master in this genre and it’s taken me all the way until now to pick up any of her material, despite constantly seeing her name.  This miniseries consisting of Take On Me, All Over You, and Hot For Him was recently re-released by Harlequin Blaze, presumably to fill in the rest of the time until Blaze is discontinued and replaced by Dare, a hotter more explicit line. (I am trying to keep an open mind about this change, but Blaze is where I’ve turned for years for a quick hot little number, so I am still crying on the inside…)

Despite the fact that this miniseries was published a decade ago, it still felt relevant, hot, full of tension, and expertly crafted to give me the ultimate sitting on the edge of my seat emotional drama and an ultra-satisfying conclusion to each installment.  I will undoubtedly be picking up some of Ms. Mayberry’s backlist and devouring them over the coming months…

Needless to say, this miniseries earns a 5/5 from me overall.  It’s been a long time since I’ve come across an author I can love and relate to this much, and as an aspiring romance writer myself, this is a lot like striking gold.  I am very excited to get down to business studying the masterful way Ms. Mayberry builds riveting sexual tension and delivers stunning emotionally satisfying conclusions.  As an added bonus for this miniseries, I even got to see the personality transformations of the characters from their individual stories into their friends love lives after finding their love and inner peace.  The only point I could possibly deduct was with Claudia’s story, Hot For Him. It felt just a little rushed.  There was perhaps one too many dramatic points to where I felt I was left with a few questions when the story ended.  But we’ll get there!  On to the book reviews!

The first book to this series is called Take On Me.  It follows the story of Dylan Anderson and Sadie Post as they reunite in the workplace after having a strained animosity-filled relationship in high school.  This combines two of my favorite story types; enemies to lovers, and past flames.  Sadie had a crush on Dylan back then, tried to help him succeed where he struggled, and ended up mortified in front of the whole school by his hand. Dylan never understood that Sadie was trying to help him, and always felt she was trying to point out his flaws.  This is what drove him to embarrass her.  Obviously they were never able to talk about their feelings at that point, so they left school harboring their negativity.

Flash forward to the present in the story, and you’ll find Sadie freshly left at the altar.  She goes on her honeymoon vacation to the Caribbean alone, comes back to her job, the only thing in her life that isn’t in pieces, to find that it has been invaded by her old nemesis Dylan Anderson.  And she has to work directly with him as his immediate superior.

Of course they’re on fire for each other immediately…how could they not be?  Sadie had a helluva crush on Dylan the boy, and Dylan the man is even more potent.  He’s broader, taller, and in command.  And Sadie herself is dynamite, too, of course.  She has grown and matured, filled out, and gained the respect and adoration of everyone she works with as a story writer for Ocean Boulevard, a well rated daytime soap opera.  If Dylan could just see past her curt bitchiness to the woman he hurt…

Every twist and turn of their love affair kept me guessing as we hurdled toward the inevitable Happily Ever After.  Sarah Mayberry was able to keep the tension ever present even as the characters got to know each other, rectified their earlier trials, and had tons of hot sex.

Another point worth mentioning here is the sex itself.  It’s frequent without getting tired.  Ms. Mayberry kept the heat cranked up for the whole story.  Take On Me stands tall and proud on its own as a gorgeous taut romance.  It also served flawlessly as a springboard for me to get to know the other ladies doomed to fall in love in the coming series installations.  Sadie, Grace, and Claudia all worked together on the show, and they had no idea that love was coming for them.  5/5 definitely will read again.

This story was honestly perfect.  It’s worthy study material for me; the lowly girl honing her craft.  And after finally discovering it, I have been transformed into a loyal fan.  Let’s continue on to Grace Wellington’s story, All Over You.

Grace and Mac’s story All Over You was admittedly my favorite of the series.  I particularly loved Grace Wellington.  She’s a hard-ass take no prisoners feminist with unbelievable vintage style, a quick wit, and emotional walls to rival the Great Wall of China.  Grace has ZERO interest in falling in love, and fights against it tooth and nail.  This makes it all the more satisfying when she falls super hard for the impossibly gorgeous Mac Harrison, star of Ocean Boulevard with a brain to boot.  As a bonus twist, Grace has a HUGE physical crush on Mac Harrison.  There were several occasions where she spent time with him while she was alone…if you catch my drift. Wink.

Mac Harrison is bored with his life, and after leaving Ocean Boulevard to get chewed up and spit out by Hollywood, he has resumed his role as Kirk.  Only now, he has ambition to get into directing.  There needs to be more to his life than being pretty in front of a camera.  What’s sexier than ambition?

Grace was Mac’s favorite writer for the show.  When she would do episodes, they always shone brighter with her wit and writing charisma.  He was excited to meet her.  Grace’s abrasive personality took him by surprise, and greatly disappointed him at first.  This disappointment quickly transformed into intrigue, however.  She makes a point of hitting him with as many condescending jabs as she possibly can.  Grace isn’t a man-hater…not quite, anyway.  She has been hurt before by lovers and family alike, and it takes her a long time to open up and heal.

Mac is determined to find out what’s twisted Grace up so tight that she can’t relax and fall in love with him.  She resists until it’s nearly too late, and figures out facing her demons just in time for romantic vindication.  She and Mac get to live Happily Ever After while Grace works to improve her inner peace.

Unfortunately for you, reader, this book was simply too good for me to ruin by giving you concrete details.  All I’ll tell you is that it was really worth the read, and just writing this review makes me want to go back and read it again.  And I just might.  5/5!  Now we just have Hot For Him, Claudia Dostis’ sordid love affair with her hottest rival.  Let’s dive in.

Hot For Him was jam-packed with action, perhaps to a fault.  This is the final installment in the Secret Lives of Daytime Divas miniseries, and it was also my least favorite.  Claudia Dostis is the producer of Ocean Boulevard.  She’s an impossibly petite little firecracker of a woman.  She’s determined to prove she is every bit as capable as everyone else, and nothing, not even love, is going to stand in her way of kicking ass and taking names.

Claudia has more than a few problems to deal with throughout the story.  We start off with her winning an award for Ocean Boulevard on the soap opera equivalent of the Oscar’s.  She’s very excited to have beaten Heartlands, Leandro Mandalor’s soap.

Leandro Mandalor is the producer of Heartlands, the closest rival soap to Ocean Boulevard.  In the past, Leandro has been sneaky and cutthroat.  Claudia doesn’t trust him whatsoever, and really dislikes her attraction to him as he congratulates her on winning the award fair and square.

Talking about my gripes with this story without giving too much away will be tricky, so bear with me.  The first problem Claudia has to deal with involves cast from her show and cast from Leandro’s show getting themselves into a sticky predicament.  Dealing with this involves spending more time with Leandro than Claudia would prefer, but things heat up pretty quickly.  They have stupendous sex from which Claudia quickly withdraws.  She doesn’t want to jeopardize the safety of Ocean Boulevard, and who could blame her?  She just had sex with her rival.

Leandro worms his way into her good graces; he simply cannot stop himself from thinking about her despite his want for a wife and kids.  They form an impromptu relationship where Claudia is constantly guarded and Leandro is constantly pushing.  This is where some of the other problems arise. Meanwhile, we have completely and totally dropped the original issue.

We discover that Leandro has a wonderful close supportive family and Claudia has an estranged non-relationship with her parents.  This causes serious friction.  I felt implored to stand with Claudia as Leandro continued to push her when she began to break.  This is where my main issue with the story lay.  Leandro was a wonderful man, but he would not allow Claudia to open up to him at her own pace.  He became unreasonable with her dealing with big issues regarding her family.

The conclusion of this story didn’t leave me as satisfied as its predecessors, either.  Of course Claudia and Leandro get to live Happily Ever After, but I felt as though there were a lot of things left open ended that were poised to be given an answer.  For one, Claudia’s family relationships.  By the end of the book they are shown as improving, but this lacked detail.  Additionally, the original issue was brought back suddenly, then solved rather anti-climactically.  The suspense in this book was sordid, and I would find myself skimming a little bit, trying to get back to something that would hold my interest.

As the conclusion to it’s own story, it was fairly disappointing, but as the end of the miniseries it felt a lot more satisfying.  This book wouldn’t stand well alone, but works great with the two that come before it.  On it’s own I’d give it a 3/5, but as the end of the series it earns a 5/5.  It leaves me as the reader feeling happy that all the women I grew to adore throughout these books found the love they each needed to have to bring their lives up to the next level.  Everyone moves forward together.

Sarah Mayberry is a star, and she is clearly capable of writing for several audiences.  I am looking forward to digging into her repertoire of published works and soaking up everything I possibly can.  Thank you so much, Sarah!

The Secret Lives of Daytime Divas by Sarah Mayberry: Harlequin Miniseries Review I'd just like to start by saying I'm sorry,  Sarah Mayberry. She is clearly a master in this genre and it's taken me all the way until now to pick up any of her material, despite constantly seeing her name.