#do i make an ass of myself on the internet at times for reminding ppl someone’s prns? yeah probably. jokes and affection can be okay

[bastardsofravenkroft-blog]

wait what happened with pissditching? im p sure you talked abt them in an ask response but i never understood what happened...

basically pissditching is friends with revengeromance and girlgerard (both of whom i dislike atp*) i said something in the tags of a post abt how i was pissed at revengeromance for something (unrelated) and pissditching found it and lowkey harassed me and several friends over it and said some real fucking weird shit to me so i blocked them (and probably said something snarky abt them on main but i dont really remember)

*i dont personally like these two users bc they (specifically gg) are the forefront of call gerard way nothing but she/her and i think thats fucking weird 🙂 personally. so i have them blocked and don’t interact with anyone around them at all.

[hjeojeo]

Previous reblogged post (link) (quick summary: people online in creative communities don't interact with each other as they used to, don't share their thoughts and feelings of what art makes them feel, everything is content fodder they reflexively scroll through)

And this post on twitter (link) (quick summary of this video: someone expresses they always feel overwhelmed by messages, and someone else explains humans can't handle being available 24/7 bc this social change was only within the last 20 years so the current social expectation of prompt response is impossible, humans haven't evolved fast enough to handle this kind of stress)

Got me thinking about how everything really is backwards to what would help nurture a genuine community.

We're both too present and demanding of others' presence in the arbitrary ways, but also not present enough with the actual parts that matter like vulnerability with sharing yer thoughts to someone else.

I know that we all know that it's cause of capitalism, but i feel like there are some things we collectively could do about it instead of waiting for capitalism to eventually crumble.

I know that for myself it helped a lot to budget my time online, bc i know my brain can only take so much info before it's just stuck in scroll mode without processing anything (gotta accept that yeah yer gonna miss like 99% of what's going on, but you'llbe able to process yer 1% of what you experience better imo). And i try to remind myself to not just anger respond to ppl when theyre weird/rude to me bc ppl Get a certain way online when they can't experience the irl experience of a whole ass person in front of them (i just ignore those ppl tho bc i don't have the patience or energy to try to interact with those rank vibes).

I think the hardest part is being vulnerable and talking to ppl openly, but i can't tell if that's cause of growing up in an abusive home or bc internet social atmospheres have become so stagnant and moldy, probably both; but i am trying to put some active effort into being more vulnerable and genuine as often as i can even tho i gotta do it with gritted teeth sometimes

Truly, current day is the scifi dystopia of surveillance state government, weirdest social expectations and norms, active modern colonialism and genocides, slavery reskinned as prison system, and probably more I can't remmeber at top of my head.

But i guess like those scifi dystopia genres, all the individual can do is collective efforts as a community, and also fight tooth and nail to nurture yer humanity and human experience...starting with seeing past the usernames and profiles to the actual human being that sits behind the screen..

Cause if you start there, it may naturally lead to the actions that you might want to do but feel that you can't- like showing up for other people/community/people in need/etc, i think when yer in a frozen state everything will feel impossible to you, but i think if you get moving it'll slowly become more obvious to you what the next steps can be, and then i guess that's how you gradually become the person you want to be (you never start off knowing yer full path, sometimes you don't even know yer next step, but you might have some inkling of a thougut of what to try that might help you get information for the next step)

Hm...Idk i have bad habit of trying to neatly summarize stuff for my small brain, this is all stuff for me to digest in the long term

[ryuseiphilia]

my issue(s) with the kpop community

(ignore the image i tried to make this aesthetic but this whole post is me complaining so my dearest apologies)

ok, i KNOW i'm a kpop stan myself but can we pretty please use our noggins for their intended purpose?? obvs not targeted towards ALL stans, but some of y'all jump the the wildest of conclusions very quickly.

one of the things that truly baffled me at first sight was that some internet dwellers decided to sit on zb1's gunwook for eating strawberries. literal fruits. i get it, it was nawt bro's cake but cut my homie some slack!! if the other members felt shit that he devoured eleven strawberries then they probably would've expressed that by now. i don't think zb1 wants some little internet pussies to convey their emotions for them.

another thing that got me bewildered was the whole eruption after the taeil from nct announcement. like, this paragraph is not defending that man by the slightest... however why are some of these people coming on here being like "i feel so bad for taeil stans..." and "omg ppl that spent money on taeil must be in pain :(("... girl... what about the victims??? what about the people that were actually violated??? you're saying you're sorry for someone that spent a flabbergasting amount of money on a male idol instead of firstly expressing condolences for the victims?? like, yeah, i DO feel bad for people that have spent money on taeil's merchandise... but girl there are worse things happening right now. the world isn't going to collapse because you didn't burn your taeil photocards. instead, you should try validate the real victims by not discussing such unnecessary things.

the whole seunghan thing genuinely made my jaw unhinge and drop several feet below because GIRL... people dancing casually after sending hundreds of FUNERAL WREATHS (with death threats on them) is actually batshit crazy. no, because.... mans came back just to instantly be pushed away. what? because you k-netizens couldn't handle the fact he had a life before debut and that he, i dunno, is a human??? parasocial ahh because GIRRRRRRRRRLLLLLL. yk i want to be an idol (my ass has NOT auditioned yet) but it's things like this that stop me from wanting to become one. if my twitter, instagram, tiktok, all that jazz resurfaced as an idol and especially during debut... i'd sob because people will over-analyse it all. like, just because seunghan did this does not make him horrible now!!! i know the smoking was slightly more controversial because it's unhealthy, but dating?? DATING??? i was genuinely baffled beyond my utmost belief at the sheer SHOCK. the photos.... people on weverse setting the photos as their pfps, people on twitter posting 'reminders' with the photos... why dod they have those saved??? it's not only obsessive, but kind of parasocial that you're acting like you got wrongingly cheated on by a guy who doesn't even know who you are. i really hope our GOAT seunghan comes back as a soloist or something (hopefully under good management too) because he, everything aside, spent a lot of time training to be an idol just for this to happen.

also not directly a certain idol but why do we, as kpop stans, care about an idols weight and appearance so much?? i know majority of stans are normal and not weird af but there's a minority that actually put their little nerd glasses on and their fingers up that complain like "omg (insert female idol) lowkey lookin big back these days) LIKE HUHHH??? girl please weigh yourself and tell us the result before calling someone fat. especially a random celebrity of all people. all jokes aside, i'm sure the person criticizing an idols weight would feel quite stink if someone did the same to them. so just, uh, dont??? also people that complain when idols dye their hair something different because they like a certain color on that idol are genuinely crazy. like, take a step back and relax. because.... wdym you're having cardiac arrest just because your fave left their blonde era...... i think we as fans shouldn't be so focused on the little things and just enjoy the art!! the music!! the dance!! yes, appearance comes along with it, but it isn't like their stylist is going to make them look like that ratatouille rat....

N E WAYZ if you've read this much already i really applaud you and hope you have a WONDERFUL WONDERFUL WONDERRRRRFUL day for putting up with this yapping for a whole post. my complaints might not be as many or as long as they should be, but i'm simply venting my utter frustration as best i can without getting banned off of every platform i have. so yeah. follow me for more hit posts like this one 🤫🥶😈

[artificialwizard]

Venting and rambling about ai art discourse

Feel free to ignore this + this isnt an invitation to argue back and forth with me about ai

My tag system on main for years now has been

#art = abstract art

#representational art = all non-abstract art

( + #dreamscape = art that can't be neatly categorized as abstract or representational + art that reminds me of dreaming )

Bc at the time I created this tag system i was very fed up with abstract art and modern art being dismissed as Not Real Art by some assholes and i wanted to put abstract art first in my space and have representational art be the one that needs a descriptor to differentiate it from "normal"/"real" art

Currently holding myself back from doing something similar to be petty about the never ending ai art backlash/discourse

Haven't been posting my abstract art or ai art online much lately but i still make a lot of both (+ getting back into writing and prob won't be posting much of that either). Sharing art online, other than with close friends, seems like hell to me rn.

Maybe someday i'll start posting my art again it just sucks that anytime i go on any social media from discord to youtube theres an 80% chance i see people shitting on the artistic mediums that i'm most passionate about

And its not like the ai hate train has slowed down the rancid attitudes around abstract art lol, not that I'd stop making AI art if abstract art was more respected

Abstract art is the easiest and most rewarding way for me to express myself creatively and it gels so well with my perfectionism issues bc perfection is Not the point (except when it is, but then its an artistic choice not a constant obligation for every piece). A piece about grief doesnt need to have perfect straight lines or symmetry, the art can be messy if it suits the tone I'm going for.

And AI image and music generation is very exciting to me! I've always been curious about what it would be like getting to see the creation of a new way of making art and its been very cool being able to somewhat follow AI innovations since 2018 and then get to experiment with it myself once more ai tools became accessible!!

Whether im the ai art im making is abstract or representational, i love not having full control over the result! I love bouncing ideas back and forth with the AI. I love having to combine my visual art skills and my language/description skills.

I use midjourney et al. the same way I'd make my OCs in dressup games while brainstorming ideas. Mindless doodling that can often lead to writers block breakthroughs.

I also use midjourney et al. to make quick vent art when I'm feeling strong emotions just like I'd do in my sketchbook or in my digital art apps.

And sometimes i'm using ai to spend hours trying to make something very specific i want to create.

Idk its all just tools to me. Midjourney. Paint Tool Sai. Pen and paper. I get the same joy/relief out of making art with all of the above

Im not aiming for fame or money, i make 0-200$ a year from art, usually 0. I just want to have a little corner of the internet to share my images and reach a handful of ppl who appreciate them and want to discuss abstract & ai art with me thats it. Im not coming for your art job, i dont allign myself with corporations aiming to further disadvantage workers in artistic industries or artists who freelance

Anyway reason #2 i slowed down on posting art is grief has been kicking my ass these past 4 years. Lots of deaths in the family + death of a friend. some relationships were fractured and im grieving those as well.

Reason #3 is started full time library job in november 🎉 its wonderful and its exhausting and im still finding my rythm after years of being chronically un(der)employed and/or in college, but hopefully once life settles down more ill have more and more time to spend on art and writing

Havent vent posted in ages and it feels weird doing it on one of my art blogs so im going to end this with two of my recent(ish) pieces on grief, first made in onelab (not ai, android art app i make 80% of my digital art in) and second in midjourney

Thanks if u read all/most/some of that :)

Think i just needed to be like "man this sucks" so i can move on to "anyway! Art time >:)"

[de4dlyniightshade]

heyy :) erm im gonna fangirl really quick and then the request will be at the end incase you wanna skip to that part or anything, lol. okay so this is very much unnecessary and unasked for and blah blah but i don't care! i believe writers need to hear how much we appreciate them and their works because whew mama! ive been trying to write fics for like months and it actually is so horrible. i genuinely start to angrily vibrate bc my thoughts don't flow on the notes app. but i just wanted to say, nightshade, (ehehe that's so cheeky and silly for some reason) that i reallyyy love your work. its actually like horrific how much your writing just makes me so 😜😊🤭 i know you're not like a celebrity or anything, so it's gonna be weird with this like mini parasocial relationship thing, but please know your work has an impact !! a few months ago, i did something extremely bad and out of character while i was spiraling, and i decided that the best decision for me would be to quit using social media. (and beforehand i had quit using tiktok for like 7 months already and i wasn't that addicted to my phone but i still was consuming negative media) so, ofc, i stopped completely for a good month or so and only ever using youtube every now and then. buttttt, one of the first social media platforms i came back to first... was tumblr! it's actually so silly too because i only used tumblr like 4 times beforehand so i was quite new. but anyway anyway (im a yapper UGH) i really found that your posts had made me feel happy :) idk they kinda reminded me of myself before i went big bad that one time and it made me inspired to go back to how i used to be... u get me?? you're writing literally haunts my brain oh my lord it should be illegal to read your stuff because afterwards i literally have this crazy ass urge to read more and more and more. im lowkey an addict cause i be having my deadlynightshade withdrawals. the way you write is just so 😫 gosh, it's beautiful. i also love ur sillyness because like ME TOO. your random little posts are so me coded and i love it. YOU'RE SO FUNNY 😭 uhmm i just wanted to say thanks for being super cool and talented because believe it or not, the stuff you put out makes me really happy! (that was so melodramatic like mf they write about spencer being a pathetic pussy drunk bitch why are you saying it changed ur life?? its true tho.) erm yeah that's the end of that part i just again wanted to thank you 🙏 i wish we were friends SO BAD like you're actually awesome what the fuck.... but like how do u even become friends w ppl?? LMAO ERM ANYWAY 😍 can you write a blurb or h.c or something (honestly anything will make me happy) about valentine's day?? 🤭 basically spencer being SO FUCKING SHY because you can't stop touching his hands or hair subtly or like kissing his cheek leaving marks from lipstick or like getting him his favorite snacks/drinks/books/textures/ basically a gift that made u think about him?? ugh or him doing the same with you like him being the best fucking nerd boy ever and spoiling you so much like he goes ape shit spending well over his funds limit but it's worth it because it's you? or like sweet soft cutie pie sex? at the end of the day and he's like... Erm.. Pussy for 1 please! you were so pretty today... You always are-! (I'm mentally ill and writing this at 8:37 pm on a thursday night.)

this is. the sweetest shit anyone has ever said to me i actually cried ngl to you.

i'm genuinely so thankful for the little community i have created here i never expected such an insane amount of positivity and love from people just for the whack ass shit i write but that's probably just my perpetual self hatred and disbelief that people enjoy anything about me🤞

i think it's crazy how people on the internet who have never met me, don't know me, what i look like, or anything can treat me better than any of my friends have and i'll always be thankful for that.

ALSO! i love being called funny pls kiss me i never think i'm actually funny istg

i was also planning on writing a valentines fic ALREADY but this made me wanna write it even more as a thank you for this message it genuinely made my week(can't promise it ON TIME for valentines but i can try!)

i'm also so glad that my work and blog makes you happy, there's no privilege greater than making someone smile even when they don't feel like it</3

[codependencytendencies]

This was supposed to be better than the capitalistic b.s. we are sold but it's still pissing me off so I'm gonna scream into the void. Fuck this assessment.

Physical self care

I eat the same thing every day i don't think about it

Who has the fucking money for prevention or medical care

Fashion is overrated bullshit made up by thin ppl who dont even make shit in my fucking size

I'm disabled. I don't do physical activity. I exist and that's enough.

Hot take, it's not my fucking responsibility to constantly try to think positively about myself in a world that tells me they want me dead. I'll be a fucking realist and not lie to myself about shit.

What is it with these pretentious fucks and massages? Noone is fucking touching me and I'm sick of it being so fucking normalized. I will NEVER get a fucking massage and you can't fucking make me.

Psychological self care

Who the fuck has money for vacations? What even is a "day trip"? Driving is exhausting.

What the fuck is "my own personal psychotherapy" even supposed to mean? If it's just a more pretensious way of saying get a therapist, fuck no. I'm not going back to therapy until therapists stop being dicks who gaslight with cbt and work with cops.

The internet is the only place I can interact with other ppl that I don't hate. Taking breaks is harmful.

Who is this written for? How much reading did the creator of this little list think the average person read for work? Bc I don't know anyone who reads for work honestly.

Do you not notice your own thoughts 24/7? How does that even work?

Engage my intelligence... this is one of those ppl who can turn off their brain to watch trash toxic stuff like reality TV isn't it?

Bold of you to assume I'm an expert in anything

This list is so fucking weird. It's like stuff that I don't even think about or stuff that is not helpful at all.

Be curious... this is why I hate so many ppl. If you have to be reminded to be curious I honestly don't understand why you are alive.

Yeah work stays at work but that's just fuck capitalism don't be taken advantage of.

Journaling is such a basic ass thing and after a while it's pointless. I haven't done that since I was like 16. Not to mention it's exhausting. I'm not writing stuff down by hand esp if I'm the only one that's gonna see it. I'll rant out loud in my apartment bc that's at least not a waste of fucking time. Like who even has a thought long enough to write it down like that?

Emotional self care

I.have.no.support.system. that means no fucking ppl to hang out with.

I HAVE NO SUPPORT SYSTEM. Fuck those toxic ppl that gave birth to me and all the fucks related to them. They can go dissolve in the toxic sludge they created.

I am autistic. Rewatching things is kind of required.

Express outrage... ironically that is what I'm doing right now. Again, fuck this assessment

Fuck affirmations. I'm not lying to myself. It's not actually healthy to tell yourself you're a good person. Bc you're not. Nobody is. That's black and white thinking bullshit. I am a person that does good and bad things depending on my capabilities and I know that bc im not a fucking lying allistic that thinks they don't suffer from black and white thinking.

I'm autistic and for me that means i have uncontrollable bouts of crying. There is no allowing myself. Privileged ass person who made this can apparently controlled their crying. How nice for them.

Now here's where the REAL anger starts

Wtf is going on with this whole "spiritual self care" bullshit? Why is it so hard for ppl to grasp that not everyone thinks like them? And they say autistics have a lack of theory of mind.

Causes aren't spiritual. They are opinions and values.

Reflection isn't spiritual, that's just using your fucking brain to analyze yourself, we already covered that, how many reminders do you boring allistic ppl need??

Non material aspects of life? Wtf does that even mean? Am I aware that there are abstract concepts? Yes, social constructs are abstracts, like Religion is a social construct and im not interested, it's boring.

Find spiritual connection or community?? This bullshit is why atheists are so lonely. Yall can't build any community outside religion.

Relationship self care

Partner. No. Fuck that amatonormativity.

Relatives? Fuck those toxic ppl.

What posting on tumblr isn't enough?

Personal correspondence? Did someone forget to upgrade to modern language? Why does this sound like some 19th century person talking about writing a letter to send along the pony express.

There are no people to do things for me. I have been asking for help and there is noone. I hate this fucking state, I have nothing in common with these ppl. There is nothing for me, I don't like any of the things that ppl do here, and they don't have any of the things I like to do.

Literally all I have is my cats, and I had to Pavlov them into loving me.

Workplace self care

Chat with coworkers??? Why the fuck would I want to do that? At best I tolerate ppl enough to do my job. Peers?? There aren't even ppl my own age here. I can go days without talking to anyone at all. support groups at work??? This is some fancy blue state shit isn't it?

Can't balance shit when you don't have shit.

Fuck self care

[elliethesuperfruitlover]

alright everyone raise your hand if you know where this is going.....yeah im sorry, this is about to be a train wreck of a vent post

okay so ur local teen is a smidge anxious and upset if i do say so myself. for the main reasons, of course. i’ve done literally nothing all summer, and the jealousy and anger is catching up with me, and it’s really just *chef’s kiss*. um, im also PMS-ing so that’s probably why i’ve consistently felt like shit for DAYS on end. um, i cant really tell my mom that i “can’t see myself when i look in the mirror, it’s not a trans thing, it’s called i think im fucking losing it” or something similar, not anything else. it’s um.....i absolutely hate it. i cant really talk to my therapist right now, which limits my options to family and friends. i /could/ talk to my family, but i wouldnt want to worry them, and i dont want them to send me to a psych ward. and i know that my friends are here, and they always are, but i dont want them to worry, a lot of them have jobs, and i also feel like i overshare a lot....i do overshare a lot, actually, and ive realized that it’s kinda frowned upon. so im not gonna do that. (check back in with me, this is going to cause me to bottle my emotions) i cant really find the healthy medium between those two.

let me just talk about fandom shit really quickly, because my god, i belong to a few and theyre notorious for being “toxic”. okay so, fandoms arent toxic, people are toxic. a lot of the time, a large group in that fandom have done something really shitty, or are known for something really shitty, and everyone forms one negative opinion of that group of people. kinda like stereotyping, but not quite. let me talk about BNHA for a bit. this fandom is known for “being toxic” now, let me say, i see a LOT of shit going on, a lot of discourse, and its nasty as fuck. its gross. my rule is “do what you want within reason” i just....jesus the shit going on...um. so it’s gross sexualizing of minors, all that shit, ew, nasty, disgusting, hate it. but like...bad things make it harder for me to enjoy a piece of media that BRINGS ME LEGIT JOY. like bad ppl, just SHUT THE FUCK UP, let me enjoy this. i go “am i a bad person for liking this” no, no im not, theres just a fuck ton of bad apples who kinda fuck everything up for everyone. thats it. 

and heyy, this is where we get into deep rooted issues. i have intrusive thoughts. i usually dont dwell on them, because of my relationship of “if you think this will happen, it will, especially if it’s a bad thing” and like?? i have a grandfather who’s older, im terrified of something happening to him, my dad is older, im terrified of something happening to him too. my mom as well. and especially my brother. and me too, like of course me! i have random aches and i go “is this it, am i just gonna die from this” and there’s the constant fear that i have of “i could be secretly dying and know nothing about it.” which is fun to think about. and sometimes before i go to sleep, i think “i could wake up and be dead” so thats also lots of fun to think about. my thoughts are terrifying. as well as that, i know they’re also probably not that normal. for someone of my age, absolutely not. there’s no way that im not like??? losing it with these thoughts.

also i hate the fact that my parents are arguing over some of the dumbest shit. i can hear my mom talk about my dad from MY ROOM, she’s in the kitchen, all the way across the house. and she does the same thing with me, which i hate. it hurts to have people talk about you, but especially behind your back. when they might think that they cant hear you. i hate that she does that. if she has a problem with me, please say it to my face, it’s gonna hurt, but i honestly dont even care enough, like thanks for damaging me, but saying that i keep “doing this shit” years ago, still sticks with me.

i sleep all day (because i go to sleep at 4, 5 in the morning) and also because being awake reminds me that im wasting my life, and my time. there’s also like nothing to do. i could clean, but for what? if i bake too early in the morning, i get frustrated, and scared that im just gonna feel sick (another fear of mine, yayyy), like i have when i bake too early. going outside is boring, i cant go outside of the house. my friends in town probably arent vaccinated, so theres that. my mom thinks im seeing one specific person (and im not) and for sexual reasons, in which, thanks a lot. it’s not even for that reason. i just want a hug, that’s it. it’s literally so simple. i want a hug, and to sit in the park and just bask in the sunlight with people that actually love and appreciate me. for once. but apparently i cant.

im just....done with everything. and tired.

i honestly need a fucking psychological evaluation, so does the rest of my fucking family. im tired of not knowing what the fuck is wrong with me. there’s no way that the normal person does these things, and thinks these thoughts. 

but yeah um, if ur under 18, write smut, do what you want, but dont show your naked ass on the internet bestie, it’s not worth the trauma.

yes, i write smut, yes its what im known for, HOWEVER, my mutuals dont see me in a sexual light, they see me as me, ellie the kiddo who writes smut and who also bakes occasionally.

ima go eat.

[howljenky]

I have a few things to say thats been circling in my mind a lot.

The reduction and watering down of the word Femme to mean Feminine woman, not even lesbian as i saw bi ppl use it as well, and straigh women use it as well, as an empowering feminine word that completly disregard the culture of the word, made me ocasionally think to myself "ugh i hate being called a femme" and made me have life crises in which i forget what Femme stands for, because i have no map for it, and noone to cling to, and teach me, and remind me, that i exist in this world to love butches. The loneliness i feel is tearing me apart. More under cut.

Feminine women saw the word femme, and decided femmes are trying to replicate heterosexuality, that femmes are selfish, and close minded, and "exclusuonists", and they took this word for themselves to preach about how good femme4femme relationships are, how ignorant and misogynistic we were for not choosing to date other feminine women, and for replicating heterosexuality, they took it and trampled over us for not being progressive, for choosing to date the ugly mean dykes. And this is it, this is the reason they did it. Their hatered for butches and masculine women.

This hatered is why terms like "soft butch" exists, this is why everyone tells butches they can be feminine if they want to, while pissing and dissing on the butches that reject every form of feminity, calling them links to toxic masculinity, calling them predatory, and mean, and cold hearted, and cheaters, and emotionally closed off, in our own lesbian community no less, which come to bite femmes in the ass as well for choosing to date such "heartless bastards", to the point you take the word femme from us to "save us" or whatever is going through their minds, while also telling everyone a characteristic of being a lesbian is to be soft masculine. They want that "soft androgyny" aesthetic, masculine women to at least have a feminine thing about them, as if butches are still obliged by the police to have 3 women garments on themselves like in our past culture, but not to be too feminine, because then u have to date other feminine lesbians, or fall into this category of lesbians that are being asked "so why dont you just date a man?" Because people just cannot get through their thick skulls that lesbians have NOTHING to do with men. Not too feminine, because feminity is men's.

So alright, they hate the butches, and they "reclaimed" femme from those who stay with the butches. And it is good for them! They can use the word femme as they please, while continuing to compare butches to men and out relationship to a straight one. But what does that mean for the butchfemme culture?

It directly harms out community. We cannot find eachother that easily anymore. I see the word femme and instead of being estatic that i am not alone in this world, I get wary and confused, to the point that I dont even search for femmes like me anymore. Im okay alone as well, as long as i have the attention of butches. The word femme made me so distant of its meaning, that only butches can pull me out of it and remind me just why i exist and what i am fighting for, just by existing in the same space as them. But they have it hard too. On top of all the hate, from straight people and from the lgbt+ community and even from the lesbian comunity, they have a hard time finding femmes to truly understand them, and love them, and be patient with them as well. The rings of this community falls so thight and it always feels like its getting smaller and smaller instead of larger. Consciously or not, the pressure and hatered we get drives us away from ourselves. The pressure of finding femmes like me, the disappointment i get often of not being understood by fellow lesbians drove me away from them. It's just butches i can rely onto. For lesbians and for other members of the lgbt community, this makes me an exclusionist, a demon, a bad person.

The lack of media representation is a problem here as well. No straight person wants to see an old mean dyke on the screen, so they don't put them. They don't put them so that they won't turn to "stereotypical lesbians". They don't put them because they hate them. The lesbian representation is few as it is, but it is all feminine women, or femme4femme as the others with no regard to the butchfem community chose to name it. This mainly is to appeal to the male gaze, so that no man would feel threatened by someone more masculine than them. In this world, not even lesbians, who exclude men, can never separate from them entirely. Butches get compared to men, femmes are put in a box of feminity for the male gaze, and both being called a heterosexual replica, a second hand straight couple, by everyone. No wonder it took so long for me to even know what i was. And who i was. Where could i have seen myself, if there were no femmes on the screen? How would i have known who i love if there arent any butches in media? If it hadnt been for my then-friend and now unapologetical butch girlfriend, i wouldn't have read stone butch blues, and then i wouldnt have read all the other books, and i wouldnt have gotten myself in that thight spot in the small community, and i would have still be lost and lonely. Now i am just lonely, but not lost.

This lack of representation also makes everyone go along with internet trends, and not getting documented on the culture. They go along with what the others say, because theres barely any place to learn about this and to fully capture its essence and meaning. We are silenced, and deemed not worthy to be heard, because of modernised times, and changes in meanings, and being regressive. But my love for butches is an act of revolution against everyone that might call me selfish, or straight, a fake persona, and its not lower than the other non-aligned lesbians.

This is why I am still an unapologetical Femme. I am a femme, because of the feminine women around me invalidating my identity with calling themselves femme. I am femme, because of loving butches. I am femme because i exist to love and cherish and respect butches. I am femme because when everyone hates butches, where else would they go? Where is their home? Where are they fully accepted? Unconditionally? Where are butches allowed to be masculine without getting bashed for it? Who understands how butches love? Who desires them, without sexualising them?

I am femme because i am a home to butches. I am femme because, regardless of what others say, my femininity still isnt for men, and never will be. I am femme because i want change. I am femme because until butches get accepted as they are, unconditionally and without a doubt, i am not accepted either, and i refuse to get accepted without them. I am femme, until the day i see myself on the screen, until i see my lovers on the screen, until i see our love accepted and beyond that. I am a femme because i want to leave a piece of my love for butches on earth. I am femme because i want to teach, and be heard. My femme-ness doesnt sit in my feminity alone. Femme is liberating, and secure, not restaining, and forced.

I have so much else to say, but this is getting ridiculously long, and all over the place, but these were my thoughts. I desire for a day in which i could be understood. Of course, these thoughts are coming from an easter european mindset, as of where there isnt any representation, zero knowledge on the matter, post-comminist country in which lgbt people need to still hide in certain situations. I am angry at the world's view of the word femme, and what it got to mean these days. I am angry at the hatered towards butches. I am angry and i will not shut up about it anymore.

All i am asking is. Educate yourself. Be conscious of words and what they mean. Respect us. Stop making up new words for every single thing. Futch isnt real guys. Thats all.

.

Terfs and transmysoginists and any other fucker that dares to think this post doesn't include trans women fuck off. Trans butches, studs and trans femmes are always loved and welcomed here. Racists fuck off as well, you arent needed.

[greylunar]

hi tal!! i’d genuinely call you one of my favorite ppl on the planet ☺️ so i’m a bit nervous reaching out to you again, but i’ve been listening to a lot more sleeping at last recently, which has brought me back to your uquiz. i listened to 4 on enneagram and felt a similar sense of being “known” as i did when i took your quiz & got ravenclaw. so i was wondering, is there a big correlation between your enneagram & your house? i’d assume there would be! (ty for millions of things!! bye! 💕)

Hello Madi!!! I super hope that I just haven’t gotten to your first ask yet, and that it didn’t just get lost somewhere in the interspace, since you seem absolutely lovely and I would hate to make you nervous even a little bit about anything, but especially about me not answering an ask. I’m,,, very bad at social media and the internet, in general, hehe and so I’ve been answering asks fairly sporadically and in less and less of a sensical order as time passes. I still have my goal of answering everyone, and I will not be shaken from it! It just might take me a while hehe. But I love you all and you all deserve the best answers I can give c: 

I’m so glad you’ve been listening to sleeping at last though! Funnily enough, my favorite songs by him aren’t on the enneagram album, but I love Mercury, Light, and Sun the most c: Funnily enough, I actually don’t know much about enneagram on its own, and for the most part I did the lyrics for each house based on gut interpretations of specific lines, rather than correlations between each type and house! Hehe I wish I was smart enough to know the intricacies of both and tie them together, but I can do you something hopefully as good which is to tell you what each Sleeping at Last song’s lyrics vibe with! 

One is interesting because I think the overall song could very easily be Gryffindor, but its the specific line  “The list goes on forever of all the ways I could be better in my mind, as if I could earn God's favor given time, or at least congratulations,” that makes this song Slytherin for me c:

Two is where we get into the limits of the sorting house system, or I guess more specifically where the enneagram and sorting house system don’t really categorize the same things. There is no house that is the house of love, or self-sacrifice, or anything like that, because those are much more universal traits and why this song kind of hits different for a lot of people. The line that I put in the uquiz was "I know exactly how your rule goes / Put my mask on first / No, I don't want to talk about myself / Tell me where it hurts / I just want to build you up, build you up / 'Til you're good as new / And maybe one day, I'll get around / To fixing myself, too," as a Hufflepuff line because,,, yeah. In a weird way though, I feel like two as a whole vibes with Ravenclaws who I think even more than puffs have a tendency to lose their sense of self when in love and when caring for others in their life just because they’re still curious as to who their self is, rather than being more sturdy in it like a hufflepuff.

Three yall this is it you’ve broken Slytherins down to their bare essentials

Four is my perfect Ravenclaw song and so I’m very excited to hear you are both a Ravenclaw and a four!! It’s really validating hehe and also the song itself is just so beautiful that I’m really glad you are able to listen to it and connect to it and feel seen and held by it, I know how important nine was for me so I’m just really glad that comfort comes your way through this song c:

Five I think balances the rather unconventional line between Gryffindor and Ravenclaw. It’s the want of certainty while being surrounded by the unknown of the Gryffindor, and the want of the unknown while being surrounded by certainty of the Ravenclaw. The sense of being outside a group even while part of them harbored by both houses, the emotional armor often built by both houses, and the hesitation of both to let people in. The sort of pent up energy of a Gryffindor or Ravenclaw not doing enough although they may not even know what their definition of enough is. 

Six. Y’all the ludicrous amount of character playlist six is on for me. The line I put in the quiz,"I wanna believe / No, I choose to believe / That I was made to become / A sanctuary....Is that courage or faith / To show up every day? / To trust that there will be light / Always waiting behind / Even the darkest of nights" is tagged as Hufflepuff and Gryffindor, but the second line from this song in the quiz "I had the most vivid dream / My feet had left the ground / I was floating to heaven / But I could only look down / My mind was heavy / Running ragged with worst case scenarios / Emergency exits and the distance below / I woke up so worried that the angels let go" is just so core Gryffindor and the entirety of the song as a whole is so Gryffindor that to call it anything else would be a travesty on my part. 

Seven. Oh wow hey the way my dyscalculic ass forgot about the number seven and just straight up did not put this song in the quiz. This is fine hehe. I mean, its Gryffindor, utterly. This song always reminds me of laugh drunk nights with my friend @sammansonn (ironically a Slytherin) trying to decide whether or not we’re gonna steal a shopping cart and singing a little too loud for passersby. I like to think we make each other braver, so maybe that’s why its Gryffindor.

Eight is the perfect example of the venn diagram overlap of Gryffindor and Slytherin.��"Now you won't see all that I have to lose / And all I've lost in the fight to protect it / I won't let you in. I swore never again- I can't afford, no, I refuse to be rejected" vs “I want to break these bones 'til they're better I want to break them right and feel alive / You were wrong, you were wrong, you were wrong- My healing needed more than time” vs “I remember the minute. It was like a switch was flipped / I was just a kid who grew up strong enough / To pick this armor up / And suddenly it fit" vs "I'm all in, palms out, I'm at your mercy now and I'm ready to begin / I am strong, I am strong, I am strong enough to let you in. / I'll shake the ground with all my might / I will pull my whole heart up to the surface / For the innocent, for the vulnerable / I'll show up on the front lines with a purpose,”...like we can all see the transition from Slytherin to Gryffindor and the strange muddy middle ground of both their paths to healing. I really think the only difference between a Slytherin and a Gryffindor is what you’re trying to heal from and how you’re trying to do it.

Nine. Listen it could all be bias. But there’s not a single part of these lyrics that hit the part of me that’s a Hufflepuff on purpose. 

I hope that helped, and wasn’t way too much to read hehe. Thank you for asking, and even more for sharing your positivity and light with me, you made me smile today and I was really glad to come back and answer this ask. Have the best day ever Madi, and an even better day every one after that c:

[beetlemancy]

Not angry venting but more gosh i really dislike that i keep trying to get back into watching live then I see matt making a rules calling that isnt correct and IM annoyed and i hate *that* emotional response, (specifically in this case not letting jester drop conc - which by the rules she is very much allowed to do at anytime), so again not angry venting *at matt* and more gosh i wish i didnt have standards on matt that he has no responsibility to me to keep, but somehow i still care about :(

hey, I’m gonna put the rest of your (relevant) asks and my response to them under this read more for brevity, and encourage anyone who gets up in their feelings about this ask to read the followups because they are far more important for context on this subject - AND please know that these asks were sent before the stuff that went down later in the episode. Also, those reading should take their time because its a wishy washy subject that can get sensitive but this is absolutely done in good faith and I think its important for us to acknowledge these feelings in ourselves when they come up!(also the last time I posted a long ass post like this the format got all wonky after I looked at it on mobile, so if its all one big paragraph - it was not intended to be that way and i’ll fix it soon)

Ask 2-3: just sent that ask and i want to clarify, its not bad matt not being RAW, follow the rules or perish. its more, hes a great dm and making a rules call that disadvantages the players for a reason i can not understand at all makes me feel not happy despite the fact that i know im not a player and this isnt actually effecting me personally, yet i sit here with my negative emotions and idea how to force myself to not feel them :(((((i told myself that was going to be my last ask of the night but for the sake of being clear with you) i also wonder how much of my being upset about being upset is that i dont want to be in the same camp as twitter / reddit ppl who get on matt about rules calls and are cruel to him about it, and just agreeing with their base statement makes me feel like im saying its okay to do that

Mmk. There’s sort of two main subjects I wanna cover: the action and the feeling.The basic truth is that occasionally we get feelings that remind us of the rage of people we do not want to be. This is human, and it happens in life in so many ways, not just in fandom. However, I’ll stick with CR for now. We see the Twitter and Reddit threads that berate Matt and the players for rule issues and we think, we would never be that up in our feelings, right? But it is so much less about what we feel and more about what our actions are. 

The people who make those posts? Some of them are full of so much hate for something that they just use this as an opportunity to lash out. Others are genuinely trying to be helpful and just don’t understand the concept that they are not the only person on the internet and that often times one person saying something is benign but that hundreds of people saying it is malicious. Sometimes people might not even feel that much about the subject but want to join the fight because its something to do or because their peers/friends are.

What defines the result of ANY rules lawyering post online is not the reason they made the post, though, is it? Its simply that they did. Their intent doesn’t really matter that much - a post was still made, and posts were made on top of that post, and those posts, and now we’ve got a flame war - intent be damned.

By the same nature, if you don’t make that post? It doesn’t matter what your feelings are on the topic. You choose to not add to that noise. Take that win and feel good about it! (btw, sending someone an ask to parse through your feelings on the subject isn’t ‘making that post’ either)

Okay. Now - about the feelings.

I’m honestly with you there and have been the last few combat scenarios. I’ve noticed myself wondering if Matt is getting more and more ‘me vs them’ in his combat DM style because it feels that way to me. I’m guessing that a lot of my discomfort also has to do with my inherent sense of black-and-white Fairness - being Autistic comes with that privilege for a lot of us. ADHD Cousins can get theirs in maroon I think, but they have to order it special. ;)

I grapple a lot with my feelings on combat in CR when it does start to feel antagonistic or unfair to one or more players (or sometimes even Matt himself!). Here is what I do: well, for one, compartmentalize until the next day or two. CR brings up a lot of feelings. Its a lot of story and I get super immersed. The emotions are high for everyone during a good episode, sometimes especially during combat, and so I allow myself the cool down time before I really look at it again.

After that time, if I still feel the same way and it still bugs me, I watch stuff where they talk about how much they love each other. I play that clip of Liam saying ITS A GAME! over and over. I get super in deep with the Critmas vids or another Talks episode I really love. That’s what helps me kick it, in the end. The visual and auditory reminder that these are friends and sometimes friends have a little tension when they are all in a state of high adrenaline but that they clearly would not do this if it wasn’t fun for them anymore. 

I do have a buddy of mine that is really hardcore Justice. He is, straight up, like Justice from Dragon Age. The guy is Fairness with a capital F, and his method of dealing is different from mine: he doesn’t watch combat from any TTRPG show. He just avoids it, because he doesn’t wanna be That Guy on reddit, but the intensity with which he feels the call to correct wrongs is very strong. He takes himself out of the equation, reads a recap or asks friends, and then can engage healthily with the RP and the story outside of combat. Its a good system for him.

Maybe you can find a method similar to either of these options? Maybe you just need a healthy place to vent about it. For that, I’d suggest a discord or a friend (or me off anon and then I won’t publish if you ask me not to! or send me a pm!). Or perhaps you need to reevaluate how you watch CR and what you’re willing to give up in order to not feel this way. Or maybe binge watching some quality CR wholesomeness will help those feelings dampen. Either way, you are not Wrong for feeling. We just have to watch our actions.

[arodrwho]

cr 2.92 bc i forgot to pOST last week

doot doot here we Are

“to see what went wrong” : ( knew he was gonna assume it was his own fault

“did you do it right? did he do it right?” :((((((

“i’m meticulous” “yes you are. did you all hear that?” : (

“it was to the sound of that woman.. enjoying what she had done to me” : (((

“things sounded louder & felt different & my body was colder & i wasn’t paying much attention but she was there & she was robed & she was older” “no they had taken me somewhere, to her home.. lair?” “did she seem short?” “taller than me” “it wasn’t felderwin, it wasn’t terribly far? it was a wooded area, the base, some mountains, it was a wooded mountainous area” “they put me in the back of some sort of a cart & tied me up & took me with them”

?????

“i was mostly crying & trying to tear at my bindings” “damn your emotional state” “i know” slkdhglkduhgldkh i love them

“many of us from the village” ohhhhhhh

not just their family? lots of ppl from the village?

hmmmmmmm

“nerds can be fast” “they cannot be” kldhgkjdh

i love her

“outside of the spectrum of general arcane development, this is something—” and my internet cut out bc it wants me to suffer,

“an exchange was made” ????/

divine? ancient?

“this is your spell as well as mine. and the archmage’s” aND NOTT’S??? EXCUSE YOU????????

b i t c h

“it’s reminding me of stuff my father babbled about all the fucking time” oh shiiiiiit

“in this case i think we should focus on beau cause she’s in way worse shape than i am” lkhdgkjdhfgh noTt

thanks cad

ooooo mESSAGE TIME

is the 3rd question going to be about his—

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

“i regret my weakness”

“what do u mean u regret your weakness” “that wasn’t for you”

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

god i love fjord

did he do a voice

“the night he slapped me across the face as i was getting dragged out by the monks” hhhhHHHhh

“he’s a complicated man” “i dunno that didn’t sound too complicated” thank u caduceus.

i love. these friends

“i do have it on good authority there’s something to be gained from seeing our parents once we’ve matured enough to see how fragile they are” hooooo boy

ohhh nott is. delaying

“i don’t know if i’m quite ready yet” “you seemed to be” “i don’t know” i am sad about caduceus

i love nott,,

“everyone else is easier to help with their struggles and you are not you are complicated” gosh

iiiiiiiiiiii am having, emotion s,,,

“it led me to all of you” i’M HAVING EMOTIONS.

ok so the lady was undead tumblr says? that’s q1 that i missed?

neat

“like a old-ass human” fhgkdjgh

oooo disguise self,

ooo scrying

matt what face was thAT? kdjg

“her fingers were so close to my scrying eye. it was so close” lskdhgflkdjfhg

“i feel like that’s—i—okay” god i love yasha

“you’re starting to feel a little funny” g o o d

also i’m concerned about you caduceus but

this IS funny

“it’s pretty--it’s pretty cool when you do that�� hmmm

maybe caduceus IS does is gay

gentleman.. Good

“i’m going to hit you!” “maybe work on the phrase it’s a little ordinary” “i’m going to kill you!!”

thank u fjord

“everyone wants to make their dad proud right?” : (((

fjord that wasn’t nice

“i’m not saying he deserves a second chance but--he is your father and u do have a mother & a brother that you’ve never met” fjord buddy u can’t be coming at this w/ur orphan perspective

it doesn’t work

“i don’t wanna kick his ass. i don’t wanna run” : (((

fjord i love u.

“what would u ahve happen if we go there?” “i think i’ve worked so hard bc i’ve scripted this day in my inevitable future that i would go back to him successful woman respectable member of society cobalt soul an expositor the thing he threw me away to and i embraced. and then i would get mad at myself cause i felt like i was doing exactly what he was doing to me my entire life. scripting me to be something else. and i’m still doing it. i haven’t seen him in three years and i’m still trying to be. something. and i think what’s scary is that i like this and what i’ve found and i don’t think it was until nott started talking about having to go home and go away that it truly started terrifying me. cause for the first time i’m happy. and what if that goes away?” “it could always go away. it could go away tonight. gentleman’s debtors could come calling” “and i think i know that and i think i say things to nott like you don’t have to put these stipulations on yourself cause i convinced myself that destiny or the inevitabliliyt won’t come knocking if you ignore it won’t exist and that’s not true” “it’ll be interesting either way. your.. face is leaking” “i hate it” “i won’t tell anybody” “i won’t tell anybody” “you’re a good friend you’re a good trainer” hey i love them

“thank you” “of course” “you’re still my captain. ball-eater or no” “oh-Kay” i love . the M

and we’re Back my dudes

oh no

oh NO

jester has too much power

and the green grass grows all around all around and the green grass grows all around

nott. you didn’t. check. for tr a p    s

please be the bandits

sdkjdfkjhglkjdfhgkjh it’s scooby doo

beau is that like a date

or is this just a friend drink

idk how romance works

IT’S THE BANDITS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

rj;ogihdsrogihsdlirjbnwperihjngq[0ij4r

sjdhgldjbgkjabrgiubj4erlgiuvhw=5g4u09 yq 3e2w1u-g 0oga=erpfk

“i shoot 1 of them in the leg” i’m caCKLING

matt gave the ppl what they want & i am Delighted

o they’re speedrunning right past beau’s dad?

?? at yasha?

interesting,,

oh god she’s not going to say—

ok no good cool

“how do u deal with it” “is it that obvious?” “well i guess from someone who knows. i’ve only heard things about your past. we don’t have to talk about it i just—” “nott?” “jaaa i don’t remember actually” “nott” : ((

“i thought we were similar when we first met, it is not just obann you have blood in your eye” “yeah” : ((((

well that was. emotional.

anyway caleb widogast is aromantic. i refuse to believe otherwise. thanks.

JESTER LAVORRE. GOOD.

i love her that is all

oof. oOF.

oh no she’s gonna give him the—

g o sh

“your father was under a lot of stress” oh. oh was he?? was he really????

goddamn beau. not holding back

oh here we fuckin GO

yeaaaaa boyyyyy goodjob jester

“in the same way you’ve not been a pinnacle of a daughter” don’t be a BITCH

“no one teaches you how to be a good father” B I T CH

step 1 is don’t tell monks to kidnap ur fucking kid.

i’m cackling abt jester’s voice

it’s fjordvoice

but jester,

“a fragment of your fortune” ??? like. a fragment of luck? or a fragment of his future fortune?

“until everything will humble me by that which i desired most” ????????

jester i love you but fuck off

i love beau.

caleb hand on shoulder. good caleb

i fucking love nott

[i left off here but i was Delighted with yasha also]

[and grouphug]

[davidjjohnston3]

7.24.2021'Reflections of a Russian-Romantic-Orthodox-Post-Soviet Obstetrician / Aspiring Catholic-Post-Reformation-Unified-Church Pediatric Neurosurgeon (Divider of Freak-Conjoined Child-Brains) cum. Bethlehem College and Seminary M. Div. Global Studies + Savior of Worldwide North Korean Studies + Policy  + Final Flaming Sword Destroyer of Democrat Intellectual Arrogance, Child-Hate, God-Hate and Anti-Korean Racism' Flaming swords that divide people, change the world, change souls... Russia's determination to remember tragedy as well as mercy and a spirit of gentle adoption whereby they treat students and other young people much different from what I did; also Russian anti-Nazism - everlasting I imagine - in an age when respect-me-or-die attitudes, moral purity, intellectual hubris and Scientism, messianic corporatism and much else are either being accelerated or badly necromanced as everyone tries to settle every little score (an easy way to forget all the starvation, organ-harvesting, betrayal of human promise that is going on every second).  I'm only writing this because it's 7:08 in the morning and it's easier to write than not to write.  Lately I developed the habit of 'Holding the Dream' to paraphrase the title of a Nora Roberts novel about children that I tried to turn in to 'Project 521' in a gentler time.  I read a C.S. Lewis essay though I forget which one, perhaps 'Home,' about being known.  When I read this essay at night it reminds me of a more trusting whole time as does Knausgaard's 'A Time for Everything' whose title is a joke at several levels; a book I'll finish reading, if I even finish 'Autumn' which is my favorite work of his about an unborn daughter, a 'notebook-letter-bouquet' which is a genre I appreciate.For a while I felt I was close to greatness and that my mind and heart were in unison with those I most respect around this globe such as Chancellor John Piper with respect to abortion-culture - playing God - but no matter what I say this is a Maoist era in which power has to be backed by guns or other 'hard' resources.  I was also compelled or perhaps tempted to provide background for my spiritual development which in retrospect attracted 'assassins' who were only interested in cherry-picking my worst moment. I honestly came to feel that there is some 'unconditional evil, unconditional hatred' in some that makes them - no matter how nobly they speak or how hard they worked in the past - determined to destroy something at the end rather than build something or help someone or do what they said they would do.I wondered if I blasphemed someone or something so that God allowed the Prince of Darkness through these people, every professing Christians or family-members.  People are talking about spirit and intellect and insight but forget that Lucifer has all these in abundance.  I've had some delusions and kept responding to people outside of myself.  I learned a lot about people whom understanding was without purpose or profit as a) telling them to themselves, that their expectations were wrong or criminal or sadistic or nihilistic or of the party of 'the protest of ultimate futility' - the messaging whereby someone says ultimately nothing matters or you don't matter - was never going to alter their mindsb) this increased experience of human / spiritual evil didn't really constitute increase of knowledge, wisdom, understanding but only more 'CCP-esque pimp-love lie-fare gas-lighting brain-damage; brick to the head' or to put it more gently a wrong emphasis of factors which distorted mood or disposition as an orchestra with good rehearsal, preparation, and conductor could be eroded in the wrong hands over time, and people were just trying to wear me down in a 'Bleed France White' war of attrition against everything I've tried to be and do  I also realized of late the time had come to give up certain perquisites that I had had in mind to one day gain or 'help myself to.'  At the bottom of my soul I guess I always wanted to cash in; someone else on FB after the miraculous sparing of my life in 2012 started spreading around an experience that I had had with a student in 2012 which was nothing like the K-wave NC-17 version could have been the CCP deepfake character-assassination pretext for WW3 or Covid unrestricted biowarfare against white guys.  Words can't fly back in to the mouth that once let them out and at this point I have no idea what my legacy could be - or in a way hopefully no one even cares anymore although I suspect they keep some version of the story somewhere for a dinner-party IDK why I am saying this; you can reason with some people / try and teach them but if they have no compelling reason to change they might just savage youI wondered lately whether some people really believe.  They want life but their interpretation / understanding or imago of life - who knows?  'Tomorrow will be like today only more so' (Isaiah, mutatis mutandis).  They might love life or hate life but they want it and they also often don't care where it comes from, which is part of why right now the debate over social justice or the fact that so much in the United States comes from outside of the United States, or the fact that poor Millennials et al. are often still unable to get married and have children while Boomers ride emperor-on-palanquin- style on top of the Social Security system and reproach us for believing, like the title of a novel about Shanghai, 'What We Were Promised' at the breakfast-table or in (public, Democrato-Maoist-intellectual-town-bike-fruitbasket) schools about freedom, self-esteem, magic - world peace, nuclear disarmament, the 'salvation' of the natural environment, outer space, technology, non-traditional families, racial reconciliation, international adjudication of breaches of international law and esp. enforcement of human rights.  It struck me several times in recent months and years that the rulers, the sovereigns, the princes and great captains of the nations I admire such as Israel and Korea were often either a) special forces soldiers (such as Moon Jaein, Ehud Barak)b) human rights lawyers (Roh Moohyun, Moon Jaein again)c) spies (the individual who might actually have closest to total control of world-events right now; or at least the ultimate veto of everything and everyone, with variable selectivity and specificity / detail) I don't know if I was overreacting or what; I was comfortable with my 'modest income' from mental illness and felt adequately justified since I was engaged in respectable activities; I felt I hadn't really had a moment's rest in life since I was about 4, constantly shot at, judged, abused, thrown to wolves etc. and blamed for my own problems since I 'didn't "make" daddy____.'   I even believed I had a chance to re-emerge since everyone amid Covid appears to be essentially on the same side.  Before recent events I event felt an 'FDR-moment' / 'New Deal moment' was feasible under Biden though I now see clearly I believe that JRBJr. can't control his underlings, staff, et al. as FDR was able to do; and America and the world are simply too complicated.  Vladimir Putin was saying - and he doesn't always lie - basically that constitutional democracies are too weak.  Neoliberal+ shills, 'Wahh bureaucracy, Milton Friedman, grist for our mill, cliche, cliche, eat the poor, abandon the weak, post-partum-abortion, God is dead' but a lot of these people are part of a bureaucracy as well and Russia's got government bureaus, CCP does, Korea does.  Anyone who ever loved or admired Confucius or studied China knows - though many such as Ezra Vogel and Tu Weiming and some dumb-ass Australians and Indian-Singaporean pervert this knowledge for pleasure and profit - what can be achieved through sincere, spiritual, loving, reverent, educated, talented, qualified, also beauty-loving, statecraft.I guess the only question in a way is whether Microsoft themselves have nuclear weapons or Google built the guidance-systems or something and that's not an LRB title though if I had lived a purer life to this point I might be on staff there or at least they'd welcome me in the cake-shop.  Howbeit at this point my 'last wish' is kind of to die in Korea where they journalists are NOT affected or mercenary, and the rag-picking of ppl like me is not fake or ultimately egocentric / meretricious / simulacrum or sham-virtue (again I hate to talk about Nietzsche since I wanted to move on to just David Platt, Saint Augustine, John Piper, John MacArthur, global Christianity 2022).  Korea's also, I noticed, a country where the Covid body-account appears to be honest and I know for a fact, as Dr., Prof, much else Eric Feigl-Ding has been talking about on Twitter about 25 hours a day, a country in which the Democrat mentality of 'you got sick you're stupid' or the Milwaukee mentality of 'you got sick bypass watch you die joke at bar but we're still good Christians South Park Satan must be good to be evil sometimes' isn't in effect and people have resolved to do everything they can both to prevent and to mitigate as well to contain or pocket though no one wants to talk much about that.  Like I said the other day I wish I were in Korea; I also had a dream about one of those free-standing station-stops in rural Japan that reminded me of 'Cafe Lumiere' by Hou Hsiao Hsien and a conversation I had with Prof. Ban Wang fmr. Rutgers and last I checked Stanford about how Japan had built these intricate rail-systems in order to help preserve rural culture.  Another good film about rural Japan is 'Hanamizuki' although IDK if post-Covid anyone is going to want to talk again about micro-sized kindergartens, the Iraq War, fishing, the meanings of trees, following through on commitments or promises, or returning gratitude and love.  IDK whether the stuff I read over the last 5-10 years about housing-prices in places like rural Japan or, alternatively, Vladivostok are as low as I've read but if they have good internet I might go if only b/c  people there aren't interested in teaching you every lesson or extracting the max. from you then leaving you to die in the name of 'getting to know one.'  There's a short Somerset Maugham book called 'The Moon and Sixpence' though I don't admire Maugham that much and prefer his literary criticism / critical appreciations of other writers and cultures to his fiction but it feels like what some people are looking for today is more like 'huge amounts of money, charming personality, offer we can't refuse, satisfying sexual favor or we either vivisect you or pozz you up with 1st-gen anti-psychotics / kill you with ECT and still deny the exist of God, as well as demons.'My other privileged Millennial friends are all mad at me for not bearing fruit and my 'last love' said I dishonored my parents but Koreans  & maybe they don't get just how much Mark Johnston et al. are totally committed to reversing course at the most destructive possible moments and never paying what they said they'd pay; like how terrorists will sometimes detonate one bomb for the civilians and another for the first responders on the scene - though maybe I just ran out of chances.

[lovingly-g]

january 4, 2020 | 10:51 am

happy new year bitch !! ofc my entry is 3 days late <3

god, 2020 was such a crappy year. i mean, i had happy moments but it WAS a crappy year. the amount of breakdowns i had last year is astronomical. guinness world record me thinks ^.^

but whatever, 2020 is finally fucking over.

i know the the concept of time is purely bull like.....hello? it’s not like everyone’s lives will magically get better once the new year ushers in.

BUT...BUT (hear me out) what i like about “new year” is that it gives us a clean, new slate. it gives us mundanes (wow,,, mundanes amp) the motivation we lost the previous year. it gives us the opportunity to gather our thoughts and clean up the “mess” (and by mess, i mean our lives that we oh so beautifully fucked up - whether intentional or not :) ) ~~~ 2018 me would’ve laughed @ u for making a “new year’s resolution” but 2021 renewed gray won’t ;) IN FACT..... here is my 2021 new year’s resolution

future me, pls do not judge 😇 i know all of my “resolutions” are mostly physical but this is what my bigass leo energy is telling me. my insecure ass is alive and kicking more than ever this year so just.....let......me.......be.

OKAY b4 i forget. i decided to extend my “break” ;) and i’m so elated that i have come to this decision bcos i badly need to work on myself. i fucking rlly did let myself go last year. tangina boooOooiiiIiiiiiiiii.

so #1 resolution is 🥳🥳🥳

- lose extra pounds; gw is 100 or 110 lbs. !!! cw: 128 lbs.

i gained so much weight during lockdown. like i obvs did not gained all the extra pounds during lockdown (duh) i spent the last 2 years eating my emotions. LIKE FR. feeling stressed? EAT. i’m fucking bored and tired of life? EAT. mad? EAT. i was so “pabaya” and neglected myself of a healthier life. if i ever do find a job this year (manifesting lols) can someone remind me that i shan’t spend 90% of my earnings on food alone?

anywaaaayz, i started my fitness journey september of 2019 and i have lost 37 pounds !! (YAY ME HAHAHA can’t always beat myself up aye,,,,have to pat myself in the back from time 2 time 🥰). what i did was a combination of IF and workout? (if u can call it a workout LOLS). i did the chloe ting challenge for a month but i grew tired from it (commitmment issues <3) i still need to lose 20 more pounds but the fact that i was able to lose almost 40 pounds in a span of 4 months ??? MAN. i’m so proud of myself.

this 2021 i’m trying to tone and slim down my legs bcos they r 2 fucking fat (HAHAHHA kill me pls) i have the biggest thighs and calves and it is fucking annoying. i’m all 4 body positivity until it’s my own body ;) yikes but tru story. i hope to see results in 3 months. once i reach my gw, i’ll stop working out BUT will stick with the IF lifestyle and walking (5km everyday maybe even more in the future and once i have a job?)

#2 resolution

- whiten teeth

pretty self explanatory ;) i’ve had too much tea and coffee my teeth wanna be a wiz khalifa song so baaaaaad 😩 *alexa, play black and yellow* will do this with lexa bcos saME HAHAHAHAHAA. i actually found about @smilebeamph thru a filo youtuber and she saw results on the second session so 😙

#3 resolution

- regrow my hair

i don’t think i have alopecia....that was just me exaggerating:/ i believe my hair is falling out bcos i keep applying hair dye T.T i absolutely do not take care of my hair like....i wash it everyday with shampoo and i don’t take hair care tips seriously :-) so i now have a (almost) bald spot on the back of my fucking bigass head and my insecure ass cannot handle it. i bought a dermaroller to stimulate collagen on my fucking scalp to speeden up the process + castor & rosemary oil to strengthen my hair follicle and promote hair growth kkkKkkkkk hope it works. decided to cut my hair even shorter bcos of this #noragrets :( tangina mo self HAHAHAHAHAA i hope i look at least decent with a fucking boycut or else i won’t look in the mirror until my hair grows pass my fucking chin !! :)

#4 resolution

- clear skin agenda

ahhhh. my weakness. my biggest insecurity (LOLS not rlly but deffo is on my never ending list of insecurities). i use to have fucking clear & smooth skin back in hs and college but NO fucking hormonal imbalance or wuteva (ACNE BREAKOUT) had to shatter any ounce of confidence i had left back in 2017. man putangina the amount of fucking acne that popped out. i’m having war flashbacks. it badly damaged my fucking face like pls the moon is shaking with the amount of fucking craters (ice pick + rolling scars lols) i have on my fucking face rn. BUT fear not my non-existent readers. i have a plan :) i’m currently using a dermaroller (yes what a lifesaver u can use it on practically anything ahaH). so far, my acne scars have lighten up so 😙 i still have a long way to go to get rid of the fucking craters and all so pls pray 4 my lazy ass to stick to my fucking plan (which is to dermaroll every saturday ok?)

#5 resolution

- braces 😬

my teeth be fucking crooked aF. that’s it. i regret not wearing my retainers back in high school 🥲 tangina having braces in this time (pandemic) is prolly expensive af so i need a job 🙂 i’ll cross this bridge when i get there.

and the last resolution #6 😏

- SOCMED BREAK

need i explain more? being on social media 24/7 gives me anxiety and mid life crisis bcos i can’t stop comparing my life to influencers/schoolmates/random ppl i found on the internet. it’s very ✨stressful✨ and ion wanna be in that state no mooooore. my initial plan is to take a 3 month break but who knows?? might extend it so 🌚

my 2021 resolutions (actually goals talaga HAHAHA OBOB) are simple lang and attainable if i fucking do it and make the effort teehee.

wanna add another lang and it is to “WRITE AN ENTRY” it doesn’t have to be everyday. just write ✍🏼 if you feel like it. when u feel sad, happy, mad, or whenever u want to preserve a memory. write. OH AND TAKE PICTURES SO U WON’T FORGET. create ur own time capsule except u don’t bury it in the ground. ;)

BYE. my head is running out of english

2021 jan gray to 2021 feb-dec gray: “sana magsulat kang bruha ka”

[szopenhauer]

Last thing that made you go “aww!” probably a dog I saw 

Is a crow’s caw annoying to you? hmm... not usually, no

Do you enjoy jazz music? one song, when there’s another and more I get sick :x  

Do you like the topaz birthstone? no What are your thoughts on gas prices? I don’t drive so no idea  Are you an ass? can be Have you ever caught any fish while fishing before? I never went fishing nor want to Do you attend Mass? I listen to the mass online every Sunday even though it annoys me and I can’t focus much What was your favorite class in school? can’t decide, depends on the grade/school/teacher etc. Are you full of sass? I’m not Grav3yardgirl

Do you like razzamatazz ice cream? dunno what that is How often do you pass gas? in the morning - a lot, later - not at all unless I have a flare  Do you have a favorite mug/cup/glass? I use those that I like less because I am afraid I will break those I love lmfao Name anything you own that is made of brass. I don’t think I own anything like that even tho brass is cool, I hate copper tho Does your grass need to be cut right now? I like it long, atural *wink wink* Would you like to live in a castle? Why or why not? too much space to take - that’s unfair as some ppl are homeless and nautre should be more free, it’s also too much space to clean and... to get lost in lol

Do you own a car? What kind? I don’t as I already mentioned I don’t drive

Did you live far from your parents, or close by? I live with them, still

Is it easy or difficult for you to open a jar? depends

Tell us how you got one of your scars. fallen from a clothes horse on a piece of wood and scratched deeply my left leg, wound was full of splinters

Do you wish upon a star? it doesn’t work, I tried...

Have you ever smoked a cigar before? nope, just a cigarette and didn’t like it

Would you ever have boudoir photography taken of yourself? Why or why not? hmm...

Do you know how to play the guitar? If not, would you like to learn? tried and it’s not for me

Have you ever had caviar before? Did you like it? I wouldn’t try that, gross and expensive for such a small amount of food

How old were you when you had your first kiss? 18 or 19

Miss anyone right now? sure

Are there some songs you cant listen to because they remind you of someone? could say so

Have you ever cheated on a partner? nooo

Ever been cheated on? kind of

Do you have a friend who you think you’ll be best friends with forever? my dad I hope

Does it annoy you when you accidentally delete things? very

What`s a movie / book / TV show / band / whatever you highly recommend? I usually don’t recommend anything to anyone without knowing them and their taste first

Are you anticipating or dreading anything? some things both at the same time even

What`s the most annoying thing in the world? can’t choose only one thing

When did you last use one of those water slides you put on hills? never

What does your bedside lamp look like? I have a green night light, used to have a mushroom one but I can’t find a light bulb to replace 

What did you last take a photograph of? I took several today but the last one was of the wild flowers growing near my fence 

When was the last time you got really frustrated with technology? today, my camera didn’t want to cooperate, not even mentioning my computer and cellphone failing me constantly

What was the last funny thing someone said to you? I don’t remember what was last, I know I said some dry/daddy jokes/puns myself

Who taught you to tie your shoelaces? I don’t remember but I know I do that differently than everybody else in my family 

Do you want to move to somewhere else? If so, where? badly, just my own apartment 

What’s your favourite picture of yourself as a child? hmm... dunno

Do you like your neighbours? some I hate

Does your room need to be cleaned? absolutely

Do you have a good relationship with your family? it’s complicated, depends on the family member, my father is my best friend tho

What is something people are surprised to hear about you? the truth? *shrug*

Do you hate any particular groups of people? yup but won’t list them in here

Do you fall up or down stairs usually? I don’t fall often enough to compare

Do you constantly break things? (By mistake or otherwise) luckily not

What was the last bug you saw? plenty of bugs this day

Are there any smells which make you feel nauseous? basically all of them make me feel nauseous

Do you have anything unusual in your bag? I suppose

What`s your favourite key on a keyboard? don’t think I have one, some I don’t use at all tho

Who`s your favourite character from The Simpsons? Or do you hate that show? Lisa I think

Have you ever had any friends who always tried to steal your things? sorta

If you were abandoned in the wilderness, would you survive? maybe How do you make your money? I use my parents money for now :( sometimes I sell my belongings 

What color are your eyes? hazel?

How tall are you? 156 cm short

Which do you prefer, to eat or sleep? sleep

Do you look more like your mom or your dad? mom, besides eyes

How long does it take you to shower? about half an hour?

Are you flexible? in a weird way

Can you speak any other language than English? polish, a bit of russian and used to know Braille’a

What is the last letter of your middle name? I have no middle name, just confirmation one 

Do you wear your seatbelt in the car?: yes

Are you scared of flying? not crashing but smells and noise and puking etc.

What do you sleep in? pajama Who was the last person you kissed? @muziasta​ 

What jewelry do you wear all the time? recently necklace I got from my gf

Is the last person you kissed older than you? younger, almost 2 months hahaha

Do you have a favorite item of clothing? I like most of my clothes

Last movie you saw in theaters? last time I was in cinema I still attend high school, not a fan of that place

What was last thing you drank? water

Are you left handed? am not

What is the last thing you thought about? lots of stuff

Do you want to get married & have children one day? I don’t want any kids!

What is the most recent gift you’ve been given? a mug Did I just roll my eyes out loud Is what you’re wearing comfortable? why not?

Did you leave the house today? twice

Are there bumper stickers on your car? if I had a car...

Are you watching tv right now? What? I didn’t watch TV for months

Do you have a job? not currently

Have you ever shot a gun? in middle school

What do your parents do for a living? my mom is retired and my dad is a guard

Have you ever had a pet that had babies? noooo

What color is the blanket on your bed? blue and yellow with sun and moon

What are your parent’s middle names? they don’t have those

Have you ever broken a bone? just my nose?

Do you wear lasses? nope

What color are they? -

Are you currently reading a book? finished one and didn’t start another yet

When did you last get your blood drawn? not that long time ago

How many contacts are in your phone? about 5

What things do you take with you everywhere? that’s personal

Do you know someone that is/was over 100 years old? nah

Do you own any rings? yeah

Could you list all 50 states? no way

What internet browser do you use? Opera

Do you know someone that’s missing a limb? there’s this guy that sometimes takes a bus with me and he has no leg but that’s all

Are you a bad person? possibly

What was the last swear you said? not sure which was last, I say way too many for my own good :x

Have you ever called the police on someone? not me but my parents, also fire department 

What is the most amount of pets you’ve had at one time? 2

When did you last check your email? last week

Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? few times

How long is your hair? short

Do you lock your doors at night? of course

Does your bedroom have a lock? sadly not

How big is your bed? smol

Do you know someone that was murdered? not personally 

Do you know someone who’s pregnant not now

Do you wear a watch? no

How much jewelry do you own? too much for how often I wear it

Have you ever gotten x-rays? shitload 

Do you wear gloves in the winter? fingerless

Do you consider yourself smart? in a way, I might be

Are your teeth straight? they’re not 

Do you own a bike? push scooter but I plan to buy a bike of some sort this summer

Are you taller than your mom? I am :D

Have you ever been engaged? I have not

What, in your opinion, is the ugliest name? many are to me, especially those I relate to certain enemies

Have you ever come up with your own idea for an app? of a game 

Do you remember to put the caps back on your pens? what for? 

When’s the last time you sat on someone else’s lap? this week

Do you take naps often? once in a few months

Do you like to listen to rap? meh

Do you prefer gift wrap or gift bags? gift bags, gift paper annoys me and it’s worthless

What chore do you wish you could get done just by snapping your fingers? all of them? XD

Have you ever done tap dancing before? pretend

Have you ever felt trapped? always?...

Has a strap on your bag ever broken before? it started to so I changed it

Do you watch episode recaps, or skip ahead? skip

Do you know anyone who owns a Venus flytrap plant? my (now ex) friend wanted to, they’re interesting but you have to clean them and I’m not fond of picking up dead flies, yuk

Do you drink water out of the tap, or does it have to be bottled? bottled or I boil it

[noxrynne]

i dont really have the highest hopes for making the goal i had for school odds are i fail a class, do poorly in another or two, and maybe get by decently in one of them i really regret doing online courses since it always goes back to “oh i missed that because it wasn’t posted,” “oh the professors don’t use the news alert system when new stuff is added with a concise explanation of what I need to do in that post blurb that’s 3500 words of bs,” “oh i didnt realize this awkward and uncomfortable ‘post your personal assignments here that are about yourself so a bunch of strangers can also read and criticize it’ was required,” “the syllabus is written out of order, it’s messy and has a bunch of color code usage that’s never explained and makes reading it harder and, oh, they want me to print it out too bad i dont have a fucking printer and looking at it makes me want to throw up since it’s literally just everything put up on a page and i just start panicking because its so much stuff and it immediately overwhelms me” i also fuckin hate the professors who’ll say like “if you’re here just to get a degree you’re in the wrong place” b/c it’s like college costs a lot of fuckin money and you can bet your ass the only reason im here is to get a degree so i can eventually have a job that lets me be financially stable. trying to say “oh it’s just for funtime education” is bullshit when it costs what it does and isn’t even accessible to everyone from the get-go. i could learn the exact same shit for free from a fucking library and the internet, and talk to people i know if i have questions about material. but that doesn’t give me the piece of paper i need. idk i wish there was more of a “oh i can go do this and be fine financially” rather than needing to spend years in a university because i really hate it. i *wish* i hadn’t fucked up before and been as suicidal and couldve got through it *before* its used as a “yea we can’t have you here cuz you dropped out in the past” *even when* it’s an associated school with the one i *did* drop out of and they told me they *would* re-accept me when i was healthier. no im not a great student. i get overwhelmed really easily, i stress out over everything too much, i break down if i miss one assignment. i dont do well on the shit i actually try really hard at. i dont participate in class because it’s a terrifying experience to be called a fucking “idiot” again by a professor (ty philosopher dickhead at uwgb im gonna fucking punch you if i ever see you) i *forget* about assignments a *lot* and *yes* that’s a *my* problem thing but it’s something so extremely difficult to work around without having someone telling me about it, or just having a visible schedule written down about what’s due on a front page that always pops up. which i mean yeah it’s extra work i guess for the professor to just copy paste some info that’d really help me out, and no i dont have this issue as much in a traditional school b/c i actually *go* to the classes to sit in and be reminded through that. and yea im probly gonna fail out unless the other university sighs and says “well she did try and it was online” and ngl i probably would be *fine* in a regular classroom oriented thing *now* it’s more organized and there’s a schedule i can keep to and get into and when i get *into* a schedule i stick to it 100% b/c i derive a sense of security, existence and safety from having schedules. but if i fail out and they dont sigh and say “okay” then im kinda fucked. i mean, i could probably attempt to get through another year there and maybe go to the actual school instead of the online bullshit and *maybe* then i’d actually meet the reqs. but idk if that offer is gonna stand after this year. and idk im just back to feeling really fucking hopeless and empty. i mean ive been feeling this way all this month. i feel like nothings fucking worth it because i feel like i just cant do it. and that ultimately im gonna end up fucked. and i *know* im 90% of the problem. i *know* my thinking of “what’s the point” is screwing me over. i *know* accidentally falling asleep an staying asleep for a whole day is a fucking issue. i *know* i shouldnt forget important shit i need to do. i *know* i should participate no matter how fucking uncomfortable and frightened it makes me. but it feels fucking *impossible* to work with 0 energy. it feels terrifying to be asked “write an introspective piece about yourself and reflect on the events of your life that made you who you are today” BECAUSE i dont talk about THAT STUFF to people I DONT KNOW i *BARELY* covered those topics in *therapy* because of how uncomfortable they make me. and I DONT need a bunch of strangers in a class knowing the shit that happened to me. and fuck i feel like the entire idea behind the writing assignment was “oh this’ll be fun haha” but it’s like... remembering *most of the shit hat directly impacted how i am today* is one of the most fucking difficult things for me to do, especially publicly. i *regret* online schooling. i didnt realize how much i dont work with it until i thought about it this year. i get overwhelmed. i get stressed. i get depressed. i get suicidal. i get hopeless. i feel useless. i didnt realize i *need* to actually *go* to a class because it helps with the isolation i put myself in. because i straight up actually understand shit when someone is actually explaining it to me and not just handing me a textbook and saying “read it that’s it that’s the entire class, but oh, write an informed paper structured off what you read and if you dont understand the material well go fuck yourself i guess.” and in actually *going* there to a physical room it becomes easier to do things like homework and assignments *because i can walk over to the library*. what *really* shit on my previous school ability was like i was overwhelmed (we *just* moved to a *completely* different state and environment, i *just* had a series of panic attacks in italy b/c i thought i could handle it on my own) and the first school didn’t have a/c and it was fucking 101 outside every day and i dont do well in heat, and by that, i mean i hyperventilate, i get dizzy, i get lightheaded, i get emotional and frightened and stressed and cant sleep. the professor who asked if we read the chapter (I DID) and then pointed at me to explain what i read (I DIDNT FUCKING UNDERSTAND IT), and when i finished he just laughed and told me to sit down and pretty much called me an idiot in front of everyone and i started crying. (i also got a 0 so i failed the reading since he didnt believe i read it). at *that* school there were no therapy or counseling or offers like that. the art building made me cry and feel unsafe (i couldnt control it), having to walk *all* the way back to my dorm building at 12AM b/c that’s when my one class ended was *terrifying* then in a different school it was just i had a class that made me physically uncomfortable to be in. i *hated* being in the freshman course for feminism so much. not b/c i hate the material, but i felt so “other” and uncomfortable b/c im a trans woman being asked about my male perspective on shit and i just. i remember leaving because i just felt upset and depressed and i couldn’t get over the really bad dysphoria i kept having in that class (the professor there was the reason i went to counseling on campus, she’s the one who referred me to it in the first place). on top of that, the dorm i was told id be getting was a fucking lie. i was supposed to have one or 0 roommates. i got 5 roommates. beds didn’t fit me b/c of my height (i slept with the back of my feet on an iron bar). the food was straight fucking garbage. one of my roommates just randomly touched me all the time. hugged me, put arms around my neck, *kissed my cheek*. another was always drunk and loud. another talked about making bombs incessantly. one of them seemed actually concerned about me and he came in once or twice when i was face down on my bed just not moving b/c of therapy sessions and talked to me once or twice to make sure i was still alive. friday mornings in winter id be up at 5AM, trying to get ready without waking any of the 5 other people, then walk outside with no access to breakfast/coffee/anything (b/c too early) to get to a class across and off the campus i had to walk to (and when snow was present my feet were numb b/c of all the water that got into my shoes). and then there was the legit getting 4 hours of sleep if that a week. eating basically nothing. extremely suicidal and getting to the point where i was having days where i legitimately could not discern what was real and wasn’t. and then i left ‘cuz my other option was to be hospitalized. from there its just been attempts at online schools. which i already tiraded about above. i mean fuck id be happy if i *could* just go work in retail and make a decent wage and not have to work every waking hour of my life to make it work. like. i *wish* i was lucky enough to be one of those “i had no degree but x really liked my resume” stories i always read about. i *wish* writing and publishing a book was considered and *was* a viable career option without needing to get really fucking lucky. im passionate about writing fiction, but in order to do that professionally, i need a 4 year degree from an institution. i can technically publish something, but if no one ever hears about it or cares, then it doesn’t become a job to have and it does little else. and then there’s also just a lot of irl shit i keep worrying about and dwelling on and nearly making some really fucked up or stupid decisions in the interim. and idk i just i wish i was one of those ppl who felt like they had a future and aren’t likely to die before age 25. or one of those people who just *does* something and it works out and they get to exist.

[tellywoodtrash]

ishqbaaz 25.07.17 lb

plain text version here. 

bhavya just be taking her gal pal along with her on an investigation like it’s a saturday brunch and shopping date. nice. 😊😊😊

hahahahahahaha shivaay using oberoi mansion as an example of a safe place. i honestly cannot stop laughing. 🤣🤣🤣🤣

i honestly love ragini’s transitions once someone leaves the room. when the billu is away, the naagini shall play! 😇😇😇

what kinda jankyass 90s winamp looking program is this that the mumbai police is using to track the sim location? 🤔🤔🤔

the calls are coming from inside the house! 😯😯😯

of course. contrived excuse for not being able to hear. lorddddddddddd. 🙄🙄🙄

why the fuck did he have to come all the way outside the house to make the call anyway? itna bada ghar hai, you’re telling me there’s no silent spot anywhere INSIDE where he can make a call? 😒😒😒

SAMAR. FUCKIN WHY, DUDE?!?!?! HONESTLY. YOU SHOULD BE TALKING YOUR SISTER OUT OF HER CRAZY. OR SECRETLY MEDICATING HER BY LACING HER CUCUMBERS WITH ANTI PSYCHOTICS. NOT PULLING A RAHUL FROM DARR. 😫😫😫

lmao ok suddenly samar found a bike helmet outta nowhere. 😐😐😐 

um.... ok? 😕😕😕

THEY WERE DOWNSTAIRS ON THE GROUND LEVEL. HOW THE F ARE THEY RUNNING DOWN THE STAIRS NOW? HONESTLY, CHUTIYA SAMAJH RAKHA HAI KYA? 😑😑😑

how the f does samar know the layout of oberoi mansion so well? 🤔🤔🤔

also, they’re fucking upstairs again. you gotta be kidding me. what kinda teleporting chase sequence is this? 😣😣😣

whatttttttttttttttttttttt nonsense, lorddddddddddd. 😤😤😤

also, samar is as rich, if not richer than shivaay. why can’t he just hire someone to do this, instead of doing this dirty work himself?? kuch bhi. 😐😐😐

shivaay seems destined to permanently sport that forehead bruise now. 😗😗😗

great. these two are going to argue over this now. 😐😐😐

yuuuuuuuuuuuhp. 😒😒😒

anika, what happened to not bringing this up with shivaay until you had proof???? looks like that theory just swiftlyyyyyyy went out the window. GOD AND I WAS GETTING HAPPY THAT FOR ONCE, ANIKA IS HANDLING THINGS SMARTLY. 😫😫😫

OUFFO OM, THE BABY DOESN’T HAVE FEVER. 🙄🙄🙄

omki is feeling old chulbul waale jhatke? 😏😏😏

ooooooohhhh i like this instrumental saathiya. 😊😊😊

look at him making moon eyes at her. 😍😍😍

god does om has munchausen by proxy or something??? the child is not ill, omkara! 😑😑😑

great. this is going to be an issue. that she isn’t educated enough to get the english names of drugs and thus isn’t good enough for him. 😣😣😣

god pinkyyyyyyy, why are you bhatkofying like a bhoot behind gauri???? THERE’S ZERO REASON FOR YOU TO EVEN INTERACT WITH HER. 😠😠😠

self loathing. that’s why. gauri reminds pinky of herself when younger. 😬😬😬

like... pinky is actually MEANER to gauri than she was to anika. i really don’t get it. 😕😕😕

... uh? rudra and bhavya share the same bed??????? the fuckkk? FUCKING SHIVIKA DIDN’T SHARE THE BED UNTIL LIKE MONTHS AFTER MARRIAGE. THIS IS SOME REAL HORSE SHIT. 😠😠😠

... as usual, not feeling this romance at all. also i’m mad that they wasted one of my fav songs on these two. why do they keep getting the songs i want for my other two otps??????? 😡😡😡 

ok little bit feels at her taking the picture of them. the least amount. 😳😳😳

aaaaaaand... bhavya’s skull just got cracked like an anda. 😐😐😐

shivaay looks painfully young in this tshirt waala combo. 😙😙😙

faraq faraq faraq. 😇😇😇

oh boy, gauri is still trying to remember the name of the medicine. girl, raat se subah ho gayi. just give up. 😶😶😶

why isn’t she using her internet chaachi for help rn? 🤔🤔🤔

also, omki doesn’t even care about the medicine anymore. 😐😐😐

this pinky is such an expert at finding and exploiting ppl’s innermost insecurities. 😔😔😔

oh ho, this is just painful to watch. like genuinely, and not coz of second hand michmichi. her distress and despair is just so heart wrenching. 😭😭😭

man, i just loveeeeeeeeeeeeee rudra + baby together. they’re the bestttttttt. leenesh manages to create such good chemistry with every single cast member, it’s amazing! 😚😚😚

NO DO NOT LEAVE THE BABY ALONE. DO NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 😟😟😟

oh ho, these two arguments are happening 3 feet away from each other. 😑😑😑

why are you ppl shutting up rudra when he’s asking about a genuine issue that’s more impt than any of your petty nonsense? 😒😒😒

why is she surprised to see blood from her own wound? 😒😒😒

wow, whoever took bhavya just left her there, in an unsecured car, in the oberoi parking lot. with her phone. worst kidnappers ever. 🙄🙄🙄

as usual, the oberoi security have been bested by a team of fat 40 year old unclejis. 😑😑😑

why is everyone sooooo surprised at power failure? as if the lights don’t go out here on a regular basis. 🙄🙄🙄

haaaaaaaan, leave the front door WIIIIIIIIIDE OPEN. not like that’s a security risk or anything. 😌😌😌

these oberois are just begging to be murdered in their beds at this point. 🙄🙄🙄

“gala phaad ke cheekne chillane ki zaroorat nahi.” 

general life advice to shivaay. applicable in every situation. stop being so fucking shouty. 😒😒😒

meanwhile bhavya made it all the way upstairs. FUCKING HOW!?!?!?!??! 😣😣😣

LMFAO, HAS A GUN POINTED TO HIS FUCKING HEAD, STILL HAS ZERO IMPACT ON SHIVAAY’S TADI AND DIALOGUEBAAZI. 😂😂😂

HAHAHAHAHA OM’S EYE ROLLING AT SHIVAAY’S TADI LIKE “THIS ASSHOLE IS GOING TO GET US KILLED.” 🤣🤣🤣

omg acp anda is the fucking worst at her job. at this point, even ranveer, who doesn’t actually do any policing is better - at least he doesn’t make things WORSE. 😒😒😒

hahahahahaha anikaaaaaaa “bhaisaab ek minute, ek minute haan...” *pushing the guns away dismissively* “AAP DO MINUTE CHUP NAHI REH SAKTE?” 

lmaoooooo bulbul also joining innnnnnnn. 

hahahahah OmRu 😂😂😂😂

"tamancho par aapki tadi nahi chalegi... main baat kar rahi hoon... EK MINUTE!!! MAIN BAAT KAR RAHI HOON!!!!!” 

the wayyyyyy anika keeps slapping the guns away so cavalierly is hilariousssss. 🤣🤣🤣

GOD THESE TWO IDIOTS. 😫😫😫

evennnnnn the kidnappers are sick of these two and their bs. 😑😑😑

the baby looks happier than ever, finally being left alone and in peace for the first time in 4 days. 👶🏽👶🏽👶🏽

shivaay’s aankhon waale ishaare are not understood by either of his idiot brothers. 🙄🙄🙄

you aintttttttttttttt slick omki. idiot. 😒😒😒

lol anika back on her BS. 😆😆😆

the kidnapper is this 👌🏽👌🏽👌🏽👌🏽 close to fucking shooting them to get them to stfu. 

“kaun hai yaar yeh dono, itna kyun jhagadte hai???”

it’s sexual tension, my dear man. they’re very horny for each other and aren’t able to do the do. and it’s manifesting like this. has been, for over a year. we’re more sick of it than you are. 😔😔😔

shivaay: we’re divorced!!!!!  gunda: yeh toh hona hi tha. 😒😒😒

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO EVEN THE HOSTAGE TAKER HAS AN OPINION ON THEIR RELATIONSHIP 🤣🤣🤣

... gauri has to be anika’s sister. this kinda crazy runs in families, no? 😗😗😗

are they looking for the locket or the baby? 🤔🤔🤔

snorttttt, shivaay/gauri against omki and om/anika against shivaay. besttttttt. 😊😊😊

hahahaha, OM/SHIVAAY AGAINST ANIKA. 😂😂😂

EVERYYYYYYYYYYYYONE AGAINST RUDRA! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 

actually, om is the best solution. he’s so calminggggg. i’d listen to him if i was a gunda. such a sweet boy. so obliging. 😚😚😚

BAD MOVE, GUNDA! BAD MOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 😡😡😡😡😡😡 *pushes shivaay/rudra aside to kick gunda’s ass myself* 

lol the girls in the bg. 😆😆😆

why are the other gundas just standing around watching their boss being beat up??? 😐😐😐

aaaaaaaaaaaaand there. shivaay just got cracked like the second anda to be put in this oberoi omelette. 😑😑😑

OUFF SHIVAAY CAN YOU DROP THE TADI FOR 3 SECONDS PLEASE?!!?!? YAAR, THIS IS WHY I WAS LIKE THE OLD DEPRESSED AND MILD SHIVAAY WAS BEST. BUT YOU ASSHOLES JUST HAD TO BRING ANIKA BACK AND RESTORE HIS TADI. YOU WOULDN’T BE IN THIS SITUATION RN IF HE WASN’T SO DAMN MOUTHY. 😒😒😒

greaaaaaat. anika ki andar ki biwi # 1 jaaag gayi hai. power of the mangalsutra and sindoor and all that jazz. though she’s wearing neither. just be know, ~~spiritually~~, she’s alwaysssss wearing it. 🙄🙄🙄

even the kidnapper is like “bitch, didn’t you get divorced? DEFINE YOUR RELATIONSHIP FOR FUCKSSAKE.” 

which we’ve been yelling for over a month now. someone tell us the status of that damn divorce. 😫😫😫

“ayeeeeeeeee meri bhaabi ko kuch mat karna, goli maarni hai toh mujhe maar!”

OH MY HEART, RUDRA!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE HIM SO SO SO MUCH. HONESTLY, I DON’T THINK ANYONE IN THE UNIVERSE CAN LOVE ANIKA AS UNCONDITIONALLY AS RUDRA DOES. *crying forever* 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

poooooori ki pooooooooooori family pagal hai, by god. 🙄🙄🙄

of course, shivaay has to overshadow EVERYONE. ugh. alpha male bs. 😑😑😑

anika toh matlab, tuli hui hai goli khaane mein. 😒😒😒

rudra: bhaisaab, mere dono bhai shaadishuda hai. mare hue ko kya maarna? main single hoon, mujhe maaro! 

idiotttttttttttttttttttttt. 🙄🙄🙄

great. sab kar rahe hai toh acp anda peeche kyun rahe. usse bhi chahiye chance to show akad and tadi. 😒😒😒

.... where are all the older oberois? 🤔🤔🤔

didn’t jhanvi return from her joyride with svetlana till now? it’s the next day! tell me they’re holed up somewhere, making a plan on how to ruin tej beyond repair. 😈😈😈

oh finally, they want the baby. 😗😗😗

itneee bade ghar mein it’s gonna take an eternity and half to find the baby. 😐😐😐

you ppl picked the one thing they’re all united on; they’re not gonna give up the baby. 😌😌😌

apparently the gunshot sound doesn’t scare baby at all. she’s still happy as a clam. 😊😊😊

MY GOD THIS ANDA AND HER LEHARAATI HUI ZULFEIN. HOW DOES SHE EVEN SEE WHAT SHE’S DOING???? 😧😧😧

“bohut maarti hai teri waali” 

pffffffffffffft. 😑😑😑😑

lol anika and gauri also getting inspired. YAAAAAAAAAS GIRLS, GO TO TOWN ON THEM. TAKE OUT ALL YOUR ANGER AT MEN ON THESE FUCKERS. 🙃🙃🙃

WHY IS NO ONE THROWING THEMSELVES IN FRONT OF THE GUN FOR RUDRA???? MY POOR BOY! 😖😖😖

oh finally sr. oberois are back. from where ever they were, and like GOD WE CAN’T LEAVE THESE FUCKEN KIDS ALONE FOR 10 MINUTES BEFORE THEY MANAGE TO GET THEMSELVES INTO LIFE THREATENING DANGER. 😩😩😩😩😩😩

pffffffffffft. apparently we’re not playing the faraq games anymore tomorrow. we’re playing happy family. 😌😌😌