#do I think he’ll misgender me? Not really. Do I think he’ll be rude because I wanna play a Barbie Doll-esque character? Yes. 100%

[thatringboy]

Convincing the douche in my dnd group that not everyone character I play is a self-insert and therefore cannot be expected to be “Percy-like” with their decision making/character quirks all the time challenge 2023

[mothra-obeyme]

Feel free to ignore if it makes you uncomfortable- but maybe the demon brothers reacting to finding out that MC is intersex? I'm gender fluid and have changed my name but a lot of my family rejects me, including my parents. and it's hurting me a bit right now. So maybe some comfort headcanons? Only if you're comfortable.

It's alright it doesn't make me uncomfortable. Don't worry.

I made the MC nonbinary but i use it as an umbrella term so i hope that's alright

I also didn't know if you meant them finding out you're nonbinary or intersex because intersex has to do with the X and Y chromosons and biology so i just used nonbinary because i didn't know what you meant 😅

The Brothers finding out that you're nonbinary

When you first came into the Devildom you didn't tell the brothers you're nonbinary because you were scared they would reject you like your family did. A few weeks later when you were more comfortable with them you decided to tell them that you're nonbinary.

Undateables Version

!Warnings: Transphobia, Swearing!

Lucifer

"I'm very proud of you that decided you feel safe enough to tell me something as important as that. I accept you for who you are no matter your gender and if anybody doesn't then tell me and i will take care of them."

Lucifer also asks you which pronouns you use and you will never see him using something different and when he does accidentally not use the right pronouns he won't make a big deal out of it knowing that you want him to cause a scene

But you still have to explain it a little bit more to him to make him understand your situation better because he doesn't know much about genderqueernes

When you at one point decide to tell him about how your family rejects you for being nonbinary and doesn't use the right pronouns he will be very mad because how could someone be such an ignorant b*tch

Will go to visit them and have a talk with them

Will also ask Diavolo if you can go back to the Devildom if they're still rude to you after Lucifer had a talk with them

When you have a gender crisis and you don't know where to go for comfort you can always come to him. He will be there for you no matter how bad you feel.

Will also ask which petnames you're comfortable with and which not

If you're usually wearing a binder he will ask you if you at some point want to get top surgery and if you don't and are comfortable with wearing binders he's going to make sure you're not wearing them for too long

Mammon

When you told him that you're nonbinary he was confused at first and maybe sounded a bit rude because he didn't know what you meant

But he didn't really meant it to sound rude so when you explain it to him he understands what you mean

"You thought i would reject you, didn't you. Well jokes on you i'm the great Mammon so of course i'll accept you!"

Will ask for your pronouns as soom as he has to use them he's like:

"So then . . . wait are you using the other things like ... fuck what it is it called like with the she/him/they thing...."

"Do you mean pronouns?"

"Yes! Those which are you using?"

If you decided to tell him first and he finds out about it he's gonna be so happy inside but will act as if it's nothing

When he finds out about your parents rejecting you, not using your right pronouns and misgendering you he's really mad and he swore he will protect you with his life

So your parents should watch out because Mammon may not be the most intelligent out of his brothers but he's still the 2nd Strongest and really fast

Also gets really protective whenever someone is being rude to you and purposely misgenders you

Leviathan

With him being on the internet so much he already knows which genders there are and how to be respectful to members of the LGBTGIA+ community

So when you told him your nonbinary he was very understanding and also didn't make a big deal out of it because he thinks that people shouldn't have to come out and that it's a normal thing to be queer or genderqueer

Is also making sure to comfort you whenever you have body dysphoria and don't like your body

When searching for games to play with you he will do his best with choosing games that are nonbinary inclusive or where you don't have to give your gender

Is also understanding when you find a term you're more comfortable to be called

When you told him about your parents he got really mad and wanted to end them right away so you made sure to calm him down

Will try and convince Lucifer to let you stay here because if you're gone he's gonna be alone and you're more safe here then with your toxic parents

Will death glare at everyone who misgenders you or uses the wrong pronouns

Satan

I think he already knows the basics about being genderqueer so when you told him hoping he wouldn't reject you he was making sure to tell you he still accepts you and you being nonbinary doesn't change that

After you described your gender more to him he will search for books about it to make sure he understands you better and knows how to be respectful

Asking about your pronouns will also one of the first things he does and if he uses the wrong pronoun once he will make sure to apologise

If you're struggling with your gender and body dysphoria is getting to much he will make sure to give you a hug or cuddle and comfort you

At first he may not know how to do it but he will get better at it will ask you how to help you and will read the books he can find about it

Also when he finds out about the way your family treats you he's going to be mad as fuck like you're not able to hold him back Lucifer and Beel are literally pulling him back from trying to kill your parents as brutal as possible

After you managed to calm him down he will try everything he can do to let you stay here and you not having to go back to your family

I don't even want to talk about what he does when someone purposely misgenders you and uses the wrong pronouns like you don't want to know what happens to them

Asmodeus

He's probably also one of the brothers who's educated on that subject so when you tell him that you're intersex he's completely understanding and makes sure that you know that

Will also ask for your pronouns and ask if any petnames he regularly uses makes you uncomfortable in any way and if they do he'll stop using them

Supports any clothing you're comfortable wearing

You feel comfortable wearing a skirt even if you identify as nonbinary ? Hell yeah he supports that

I think he's also someone that thinks clothing doesn't have a gender and everybody can wear what they want

Oh boy when he finds out about your parents

When you told him he has that sweet smile on his face but you know he has so much rage in him right now

And with that smile he will have a talk with your parents and will call out everything that's wrong about them (ex: that they have no style; their bad skin etc.)

And after that he will try and force Diavolo to let you stay here with him because he's way too alone without you and he needs your affection

If anyone is being rude to you in public and is being a transphobic idiot he'll be like

"Hey honey can you hold my bag for a second?"

And then kick that demon right in the face yes not punching because he doesn't want his hands to get dirty or accidentally break one of his nails

Oh and he will completely destroy their confidence and will make them cry

Beelzebub

When he you told him that you're nonbinary he got realy confused because he didn't know what it meant

But after a while of explaining it to him he began to understand it and also accepted you immediately because he's boyfriend material

You do have to tell him to use other pronouns because he doesn't really know that your old one don't quite fit anymore

But he's very willing to learn more about genderqueernes and overall being queer and will try his best to make you as comfortable as possible

If you wear a binder and he saw you wearing one for the first time he'll get a little concerned and will ask if it's healthy but when you tell him that it's alright if you don't wear it for too long he's pretty chill

But he will make sure you're not wearing it for too long because he wants you to be healthy

Whenever you struggle with something be it body dysphoria or people being rude to you and transphobic he will intimidate them and make sure they will go away

When they're away he will ask if he can hug you and ask if you're alright

When he heard about your parents not accepting you he will be very angry and Beel is scary when angry but he'll be so sorry if he scared you

He just doesn't know how your own family can be so unaccepting and toxic

He will try his best at convincing Diavolo to let you stay here

He will be a little confused if you wear a skirt but when you tell him that you think clothes have no gender he's like

'Wait. Yeah that's completely true i should've realised that sooner.'

And will compliment you no matter what you wear or what's your style because he likes if you feel good about yourself no matter your clothes or gender

Belphegor

"You're nonbinary? Cool. What pronouns do you use?"

Like he'll be so casual about it you're like 'Wait i thought this would go different.'

He doesn't know everything about gender queerness but that doesn't mean he doesn't accept you

I don't think he really cares about gender he cares about your personality and if you're comfortable to sleep on and cuddle with

Will death glare at everyone who's being mean or transphobic and if they still don't stop he's not above beating someone up

Yes he may be lazy but he still hates when someone makes you feel bad

If you wear a binder he'll make sure to remind you to not wear it for too long

When he found out about your parents he was like

"Maybe killing humans is okay. You just have to kill the right ones."

Like you have to try your best to stop him from ending your parents life as soon as possible

I think he would buy you a blanket or pillow with the nonbinary flag on it because why not

He probably also thinks gender is a social construct and that you can wear whatever you want as long as you feel comfortable

Also gives you little compliments over day they may sometimes be a little weird but he's trying his best

"You're comfortable to sleep on no matter your gender."

Please reblog

Masterlist

[imagine-organization-xiii]

I'd love to see the organization member's finding out their s/o is actually genderfluid. Or perhaps transgender, please and thank you!

I left it fairly vague, but someone who reviewed this post for me said that it leaned more toward FtM - that being said, I hope you all enjoy!

ALSO *spoilers* Demyx is 100% also trans in this so y’all can fight me

Masterlist here!

oOoOoOo

Xemnas - Loves you for your brain, not your body. All he cares about is that you’re comfortable with who you are in your own body, whether you identify as male, as female, or as something a little in between. Holy shit, he’s also fiercely protective. Unfortunately attitudes regarding transgender people are less positive than they should be, so he’s ready to SNAP at anyone who bothers to misgender you or give you strange or hateful looks.

Xigbar - Xigbar has been a lot of different people over the years, so he was like… okay, whatever, you want to go get burgers now? It’s as regular to him as breathing. He was extremely casual about it - I mean, you know you better than he does, and if this is who you are now then… okay! He’s there for it! If you’re aren’t out, know that he’ll follow your lead. He’ll use your chosen name and pronouns in private until you give him permission to use them in public, but just know that he will always support you no matter what you decide.

Xaldin - he wouldn’t say that he was uncomfortable with the idea of you being transgender - he was more uncomfortable that you didn’t say anything and that you spent so much time LETTING him refer to you as the wrong gender. He’ll understand your reluctance, but he’ll make it clear that you can trust him with anything and that you don’t need to hide who you are. He’ll defend you to the death, if needed.

Vexen - Does as much research as he can to fully understand what you’re going through, the science behind it, and tries to figure out the best way for him to help you. Do you want top or bottom surgery? He’s got the best experts/surgeons in the universe on speed dial. You need a new prescription for hormones? He’s got it for you already. Wants you to feel comfortable in your own body and will do whatever he can to make that happen.

Lexaeus - This BEEF MAN is SO SOFT. He knows NOTHING about people who are transgender but he will do research!!! He might not understand it, but he’s happy to listen to you explain anything he doesn’t understand - or he might even go to Vexen for explanations if he’s trying to surprise you with research.

Zexion - we all know that Zexion is intelligent, but this is one subject in which he’s pretty ignorant. But that’s okay!!! You get to teach him what it means to identify as transgender, and he’s SO happy to learn. You’re a great teacher and he’ll happily listen to you talk for hours - it’s really just a bonus that he gets to learn something! You both are around the same size, so he won’t even complain if you take some of his clothes to wear, too.

Saix - Saix grew up in a fairly conservative family - he thinks he might have gravitated toward Lea as a kid because the kid was just so outrageous and a deep contrast to his stifling family. He goes cold when he realizes that you’re transgender, not because he hates it, but because he’s WORRIED for you. He knows how awful people can be to things they don’t understand, and he’s so concerned that he won’t be near you and you might get hurt because of some ignorant asshole on the street. Won’t let you leave his side unless you promise him that you’ll continue to be careful and that you’ll let him know if you need him to help you handle a bad situation.

Axel - Can really tell that you’re worried and stressed out, so he might try to make you feel better by making jokes. “Oh, you’re a trans guy? That’s awesome, good thing that I’m bisexual.” You already knew that he liked guys as much as girls, but to see him refer to you as a guy so casually almost makes you cry. Axel is always such a genuine boyfriend, so it’s reassuring to know that he cares about you that much.

Demyx - All but... kind of bursts into tears?? Surprise, surprise, Demyx is also trans. It explains a lot about his attitude and personality in general and you’re happy to share your stories with each other. He’s ready to support you and give information to anyone who doesn’t quite understand your experience. He knows it will take you a while to steady yourself physically and emotionally, so he’s ready to field any questions or concerns to make sure that you aren’t stressed out.

Luxord - Always knew that there was something special about you and now he knows what it is. Smug as hell, not because of your situation, but because he knew there was something off about you - but now that you’ve told him you’re transgender, he hopes that you trust him enough to show him the real you. He’s so proud of you and happy that you were brave enough to share this with him.

Marluxia - Kind of already had an idea that you weren’t quite comfortable with yourself, so Marluxia isn’t surprised when you tell him that you’re transgender. The gender of your body didn’t quite match with the gender of your mind, and reassures you that this is common and fine! You’re allowed to feel this way and you can do what you can to be comfortable with yourself.

Larxene - Larxene literally doesn’t care - you know what, if you’re happy and this is who you are then okay??? She doesn’t date you because of your genitalia, obviously. She may be tiny and you might be larger than her, but hot damn she will FIGHT anyone that’s rude or prejudiced. Also, shopping trips? She’ll definitely take you to some of her favorite places to get clothes and shoes - and she also won’t complain if you want to have a mani-pedi date.

Roxas - has literally no idea what’s going on, but damn he’s ready to SUPPORT. It takes him a while to understand the logistics of being trans, but he’s horrified that you spent so much time not being able to be who you actually are. He’ll have a lot of questions, so just be ready to be patient with it. He doesn’t want to upset or insult you, but it will take a bit before his ignorance becomes knowledge - when that happens, he’ll be happy to help everyone else understand your situation.

Xion - Your number one cheerleader and support system, without a doubt. By your side through hormone therapy if you’re able to take that route, ready to hold your hand before and after top/bottom surgery, basically just ready to help you with anything. Wants you to feel good about yourself because she knows how amazing and wonderful you are - the rest of the world needs to know it, too!

[acanvasofabillionsuns]

got a fascination (with you)

for @heavenly-roman!! happy birthday bennie!!!!

many thanks to @ratherstarryeyed for being a fantastic beta ( ˘ ³˘)♥ (and also to @figurative-siren-song for helping me with a scene!)

you can find a little bit of background here if you want! it’s not necessary to read to understand this fic but it might clear up a couple minor details!

Summary: Roman and Janus have a Tragic Past. (Roman’s words) (Janus would like to know who this guy glaring daggers at him is.) Warnings: accidental misgendering, vandalism? Wordcount: 2509

“Hey, who’s that?” Roman asks, knocking Remus’s shoulder with glows and nodding towards the guy.

“Hm?” Remus turns. “Oh, I don’t know. V brought ‘em, said they wanted to try it out or something.”

“Hey, new guy, what’re your pronouns?” Roman cups glows hands around glows mouth to shout, because Respecting People’s Pronouns.

“He/him,” the guy calls back.

Virgil gives both of them a death glare—probably for shouting when they’re trying to sneak around, but to be fair it would be awkward to walk up to him solely to ask his pronouns and not his name or anything else before walking away, and glo’s not close enough to ask without shouting—so Roman yells back, “Cool!” and then flashes Virgil a wide grin and mimes zipping glows lips. Virgil rolls his eyes and pointedly turns away from glow.

Roman’s smile is even wider as glo turns back to Remus and announces, “Score one for annoyance points!”

“How high are you going for this time?”

“Double however many he gets, at least.”

Remus snorts. “Good luck.”

“Thank you!!” Roman says, ignoring the fact that Remus thinks glo will actually need it. As if.

Glo grabs a few random cans of spray paint out of the bag (which is conveniently by Virgil) and sets two of them upright on the sidewalk and one on its side between them. Glo grins at glows handiwork, then digs through the bag to find the can glo wants.

“Who took the regal red paint?” glo hisses.

“Oh, sorry, did you want it?” Virgil asks, smirking as he turns to glow. He shakes the can victoriously and whispers, “Point.”

Glo squints at him and stands up, letting glows gaze drop down to the aerosol rendition of genitalia and then looking back up at Virgil, watching as his eyes follow Roman’s and then widen and narrow in quick succession.

“Point,” glo echoes triumphantly, snatching the can and definitely not running over to Remus. That would imply that glo’s running away, when Roman is simply evading any potential retaliation.

Someone snickers, and Roman looks around to see New Guy laughing. Glo hopes he can tell by the way glows eyes scrunch up that glo’s smiling at him. Judging by the way his eyes scrunch up too, he does. Glo nods at him, gets a nod back, and then goes to work.

About an hour later, Virgil’s phone beeps, and everyone packs up the supplies and gets ready to make their escape.

“Sonic?” Roman calls to the others as glo and Remus get in their car. No one protests, and so Remus pulls up a route to the nearest one as Roman gets glowself adjusted in the driver’s seat.

Five minutes later and they’ve reassembled at the picnic tables of Sonic. Everyone’s discarded their masks now that they’re unnecessary, and Roman looks around for New Guy, more than a little curious to see what he looks like under the mask and if glo recognizes him.

And once glo spots him, glo definitely recognizes him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I like your shirt,” someone says quickly. Roman turns around and spots a boy staring at glow. The boy nods as they make eye contact and hurries off to class.

“Thank you!” Roman calls after him.

Glo goes into glows next class with a smile on glows face.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Oh, hey, that’s the guy that complimented me earlier!” Roman tells Remus.

“Where?” Roman points, and Remus scrunches up his nose. “Dude, that’s Janus.”

“So?”

“So, he’s always sarcastic? I don’t know if he even can say something straight,” Remus says. Roman’s about to joke “a fellow gay!” when Remus tells glow, “He was probably being sarcastic and making fun of you or something.”

Oh.

The want to joke drains out of Roman. Glo’s sad for a moment (glo’s not really sure why), but then it flips to indignation, and glo huffs.

“Well, jokes on him, because an insult isn’t really effective if the person you’re insulting didn’t get it,” glo scoffs.

“Yeah, I really don’t know what he was trying to accomplish there,” Remus says, then shrugs and moves on. Roman casts one more frown at Janus before following.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“You!” Someone calls. Janus turns to see someone—he recognizes him; he’d made him laugh at the start of the… get-together? He doesn’t know what to call it, and anyway he’s seen him in the halls around school a few times besides that. He thinks he has an R name?—stomping towards him.

“Me?” he asks, raising an eyebrow.

“Yes!”

“What about me?”

“You complimented my shirt one time!” Is that... supposed to be a bad thing? Roger’s (?) frowning at him, so he guesses it is, though why is a mystery.

“I’m sorry?” Janus tries.

“Remus said you were being sarcastic!” Robert (?) complains, throwing a finger at another dude who looks similar to this one and also more familiar. He and Janus share a class, but they’ve never really talked in it, so where he got the idea Janus would snark at someone’s shirt when he doesn’t know them, Janus doesn’t know.

He sighs. “Look, I wouldn’t waste my time insulting someone who I’ve only ever seen in passing. They wouldn’t get it, so there’d be no point.”

“Unless they have a brother who shares a class with you, and therefore can explain that you were being rude!” Ruben (?) exclaims. Janus wonders if he knows how stupid that sounds.

“Dude, I didn’t even know Remus had a brother!” Janus tells him. “And that would be a lot of effort to put into a comment that I just said in passing.”

Roy (?) downright scowls at him, crossing his arms with a huff. “Remus doesn’t have a brother.”

“Oh,” Janus says, immediately backpedaling. “Sorry.” They sniff, but their shoulders relax a little so Janus counts it as not a total mess. “Can I ask what your pronouns are?”

“Glo/glow,” glo says, and glo looks a little sheepish now. “Sorry for accusing you; I shouldn’t have judged you so harshly when I don’t even know you.”

“You shouldn’t’ve,” Janus agrees, “but I accept your apology.”

Glo smiles, uncrossing glows arms. “Do you think we could maybe start over?”

“Sure?”

 Janus isn’t really sure what glo means by that, until glo sticks glows hand in his face and chirps, “I’m Roman! I use glo/glow/glows/glowself. It’s nice to meet you, Janus!”

“Nice to meet you too? Janus, he/him.”

Roman’s smile has progressed to a beam, and Janus thinks maybe he’d made a mistake somewhere along the line.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Roman weaves glows way through the crowd, looking around for Janus. Glo thinks about the situations leading up until now and winces. Glo should’ve known better than to think badly of someone glo didn’t even know! Glo’s fixing that now, though.

Glo spots Janus and makes glows way over to pop up next to him.

“Hi, Janus!”

“Hi, Roman,” Janus says, sounding slightly exasperated. And Roman knows that that’s probably because glo has insisted on befriending him and that maybe it would be better if glo just left him alone since it doesn’t really seem like Janus wants to be befriended, but Roman is Determined to make it up to him, okay, so Janus doesn’t really get a choice in whether he’s Roman’s friend or not.

“I was wondering if you wanted to come to the next Sonic excursion with us?” Roman leans in and winks a few times to make sure glows meaning gets across. “The plan’s looking like we’re gonna go on Friday right after school, but if you wanna come and can’t make it, I’m sure we can reschedule!”

Janus raises his eyebrows. “What, you’ll change the entire plan if one person, who isn’t even really part of the group yet, wants to come but can’t?”

“I mean… yeah?” Roman says. “It wouldn’t be as much fun if we knew we were excluding you when you wanted to join.”

“Huh.”

Roman waits a moment to see if he’ll say more, then prompts, “So?”

“I’ll join,” Janus says, and glo fistpumps before realizing that maybe glo’s coming off as too enthusiastic.

“Sorry,” glo tells him, rubbing the back of glows neck sheepishly.

“No need to apologize,” Janus waves glow off, squashing a smile. “Don’t you have class?”

“Oh, hey, I do!” Roman realizes, pulling out glows phone and wincing at the time. “I gotta go, bye Janus!”

“Bye!” Janus calls after glow, and Roman smiles to glowself as glo races through the halls. Glo thinks glo’s got a pretty good shot at befriending Janus.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is a disaster. Janus thinks he might actually be friends with Roman. He doesn’t know how. Last he checked, Roman was still vaguely annoying, like a puppy who kept yapping at you to play when you were trying to concentrate on something else. But they didn’t have any classes together, and they didn’t often have time to talk in between periods, so Roman hadn’t been able to bother him for very long unless they hung out outside of school, which also didn’t happen often.

But then Janus had been added to the vandalism group chat, and Virgil had started pulling him into his hangouts with Roman and Remus, and now Janus has to deal with the fact that he actually likes hanging out with Roman. Disgusting.

The best way to immediately deal with it is, of course, to drop his head onto his desk with the most dramatic groan he can make, so that’s what he does.

“What’s wrong?” Virgil asks, poking him.

“Help me,” Janus says, swatting at Virgil’s arm when he tries to poke him again. “I think I actually like Roman—”

“Duh,” Virgil tells him, like the horrible, horrible friend Janus just realized he is.

“—‘s company,” he finishes, sitting up so he can swat at Virgil from a better angle. “What do you mean, ‘duh?’”

“I mean, it’s really obvious that you’ve got a crush on Roman and you need to actually do something about it.”

“I don’t have a crush on Roman!” Janus protests. He tries to think about how that would even work. He likes spending time with Roman, sure, and yeah, Roman’s got an objectively nice face, and it is really cute to see glow light up when one of glows favorite songs come on, and— “Oh my goodness, I’ve got a crush on Roman.”

Virgil bursts into laughter. Janus is going to disown him as a friend.

“You knew? You knew and you didn’t tell me and you just let me make a fool of myself, probably, oh my god, how big of an embarrassment have I made of myself without realizing it, Virgil, stop laughing and help me, you’re the worst—why do I have a crush on Roman of all people, oh my god—”

“Janus, calm down,” Virgil tells him, while still laughing, which fails to help Janus calm down in the slightest. “It’s okay, Roman’s as oblivious as you, somehow, and you haven’t embarrassed yourself at all except just now. I hope you know I’m never letting you live this down.”

Janus hisses at him. Virgil bursts into laughter again, and Janus lets his head thunk back against his desk.

This is a disaster.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Roman is Very Excited. Janus agreed to come over and watch Monsters Inc. with glow! Well, glow and Remus and Virgil, but still!

“Dude,” Remus says, throwing something against Roman’s head that glo decidedly doesn’t look at, not wanting to know what it is. “What’s got you so excited?”

“The movie!”

Remus snickers. “You really want to be Janus’s friend, huh?”

“Yeah!” At first glo’d just wanted to be his friend to make up for misjudging him, but now that Roman’s gotten to know him, glo has even more reasons to want to be his friend. Janus is clever, sharp-tongued, talented, and even though Roman now knows he’s a dork who makes atrocious puns when he sees the opportunity, Janus still emanates Cool vibes. Not to mention how pretty he is, or how cute he looks when he’s snickering to himself over the terrible pun he’d just made, or—  “...Wait.”

“What?”

“I don’t think I just want to be his friend,” Roman says slowly, feeling for the truth of it on glows tongue. Glo thinks about kissing Janus and, no, yeah, Roman has definitely gotten off the platonic feelings train. “Yeah, no. Dammit.”

Remus bursts into laughter.

“Remus! This isn’t funny!” Roman grabs the nearest wouldn’t-do-serious-damage object—an empty Coke can—and hurls it at him. “Stop laughing and help me!”

“Don’t know what you want help with, Roenby!” Remus practically sings. “I’m not the one who caught feelings!”

“I didn’t catch feelings! They hit me in the face! Just now! Stop laughing at me!”

Remus is a terrible brother and very lucky Roman is too busy trying to figure out how glo wants Remus to help to smack him in the face with a pillow. Roman lands on “Plan. Help me think—wait, no, you’d be terrible at wooing. Nevermind!”

“Hey!” 

Roman sticks out glows tongue and zooms to glows room.

“I could woo if I very well pleased!” Remus calls after glow.

“No you couldn’t!” Roman calls back, slamming glows door to ensure that glo got the last word. Ha.

Brother sufficiently bothered, Roman turns glows attention back to Janus, scrambling around for something to use to write. Glo finds a marker—not ideal, but there’s no time to worry about things like whether glo has the perfect writing utensil— and then digs around for something to write on. It’s only when glo’s about to scribble down ideas on an already-full page of school notes that Roman forces glowself to slow down and think. Realizing glo has a crush doesn’t suddenly put glow on a time limit, and speeding around to make a plan and start wooing Janus will likely have less-than-optimal results, as evidenced by the nearly-just-destroyed-glows-notes thing.

So, although part of glo wants to run to Janus’s house (which…  glo doesn’t even know where that is) and serenade him until he either agrees to be glows boyfriend or rejects glow, Roman turns on some music, pulls out glows colored pencils and Enchanted Forest coloring book, and spends the next ten minutes tuning out everything else with the sweet tunes of Beyonce and colored pencils swishing against paper. By the time glo’s done, glo’s calmer, ready to think through making a plan to woo Janus, and has a bomb-looking new page done.

As it turns out, though, making plans to woo someone is difficult. Glo comes up with ‘subtly gauge his interest’ easily enough, but then what? Confessing? Straight Gay up telling Janus glo likes him? No thank you. 

Instead, glo expands upon the first part, until glo has:

Step 1 - call him pet names

Step 2 - see how he reacts to the idea of them dating

Step 3 - ???

Step 4 - profit

This is definitely a foolproof plan, glo decides. After all, by the time glo’s done the first two steps, surely glo’ll have come up with what to do next!

chapter 2

[thechildoflightning]

The Kübler-Ross Model Ch 1- Denial

Title: The Kübler-Ross Model [Masterpost]

Fandom: Sanders Sides

Pairings: background LAMP

~~~

Chapter Title: Denial- Chapter One

Summary: 

Stage One: Denial- Characterized by a refusal to accept reality in order to protect against pain of it.

In which Remy avoids confronting his feelings.

Warnings: PTSD, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Social Dysphoria, Accidental Misgendering

[ao3 link]

Denial- Chapter One

“Selected: Voicemail. One item. Tab one of one,” Remy’s phone says, a touch too cheerfully. Remy sighs, already slightly suspicious of who it’s from. He puts his finger to the screen, sliding it around as he searches for the desired section.

“Voicemail.”

One finger down.

“Daniel Zurko. M-”

Double tap.

“Hey Remy. I don’t know- I don't know what you were thinking. Flying off to Florida like that- Remy you can’t do that that’s- you could have been hurt and you can’t just- You can’t do that, okay Remy? I don’t know what’s going I on. I know you and Logan are close and I can only guess you went to him but… We gotta talk about these things, okay? It’s fine this time though, not a big deal. Let’s get you home, I’m worried. It’s- you can’t handle yourself Remy and I worry about you being by yourself. I know you’re 18 but Remy you have to understand there’s things you just aren’t capable of. I-,” a sigh, “Just, call me okay? Let’s get you home, we can talk then. I love you Remy. Call me.”

-

Things are fine.

Remy has been staying with Virgil, Logan, and their boyfriends for a few days now, and things are still very new, but Remy is adjusting just fine.

Everything is great.

His dad keeps calling him which is sorta annoying, but it’s easy enough to deny the calls. In fact, he doesn’t just deny them but ignores them completely, pushing them to the back of his mind to not be thought about at all. So far the plan seems to be working. Not answering calls means he doesn’t have to talk to his dad and ignoring them completely means that Remy doesn’t have to worry about them.

It’s a foolproof plan, denying the gravity of his situation.

And really, he isn’t denying anything. This whole spontaneous ‘run away until I can go to college thing’ isn’t that big of a deal. It’s only for a few months anyways. Then, he’ll go to college and everything will calm down. It’ll be fine. Everything would be fine.

Remy doesn’t feel fine.

See, the downside of running away and going to live with your cousin, friend, and their boyfriends is that Remy’s life has no structure. Sure, he's starting to build some for himself. He takes Cha-Cha for walks, stops by Starbucks, but he still has a lot of downtime.

And downtime means a lot of time to ruminate.

Remy thinks about things a lot. Mostly things he doesn’t want to think about. Like the fact that he had just traveled across the country with zero support from his father. Like the fact that he ran away and is refusing to talk to his father because Remy hit a breaking point and he just can’t do this anymore. Like the fact that he knows he’s way in over his head except that he has no idea what to do about that so he’s just bullshitting his way through all of this. Like the fact that everything’s pressing around him and sometimes it makes it hard to breathe and-

He needs to get out of his head.

He knows he does. He does. He just doesn't know how.

“Lot on your mind?” Virgil asks.

“Hmm?” Remy responds, pulling his attention back to Virgil. “Oh. I dunno. No.”

“Right,” Virgil says and Remy knows that Virgil doesn't believe him at all.

Remy huffs and shrugs.

“I mean, I dunno? I guess. But I’m fine. I just-” he trails off. ‘I don’t know what I’m doing,’ a voice in him internally screams, but he isn't dealing with that shit so he shoves it somewhere deep inside of him.

“Just?” Virgil asks, carrying the word, because of course Virgil won’t let him get away with anything.

“I- uh I get my roommate or roommates today,” Remy says in place of actually answering with what he maybe should.

Virgil doesn’t speak for a moment and Remy thinks that maybe he really is going to be forced to share.

“Yeah?” he says after a minute.

Remy doesn’t sigh in relief, but it’s close.

“Yeah,” Remy agrees.

“Still have no clue why you decided to do that. You do realize how easy it would be for you to get a single right?”

Remy does, and he’d rather die than be put in a single. Even if his roommate is a complete asshole, the minimum social interaction from their conversations has to be better than being completely alone. Anything would be better than being alone. Remy hates being alone.

He’s always been alone.

He doesn’t think he’s ever going to stop being alone.

“I know. I wanted to. Come on, roommates are like the college experience.”

Virgil breathes out huffed laughter.

“Okay,” he says, voice full of mirth, “I mean I’m of the personal opinion that roommates suck but-”

“No you’re not-” new voice joins in, startling Remy a bit. It’s Patton or Roman but he can’t differentiate their voices super well yet. Getting there but he’s definitely not at the point where he can identify them based on three words.

“Uh yes, sharing a room with you was the worst experience of my life,” Virgil responds.

Past tense. It’s Roman then.

“Two things. One, we currently share a room so that’s bullshit. Two, you were the first to even agree with the idea,” Roman argues.

A dark shape enters Remy’s limited field of vision, backlit from the light coming through the window. A moment later, Roman disappears as he traveled away from the light source and presumably towards Virgil.

“I remember conditionally agreeing,” Virgil barters back, “And I was the first to agree because you asked me first. If you think about it, I actually took the most time to agree to the idea even if I technically answered first.”

“Eh, semantics,” Roman brushes off, “Anyways you like me to much to get rid of me.”

Virgil grumbles but doesn’t deny it.

“So what’s this about roommates?” Roman asks.

A chair scrapes against the floor as he takes a seat next to Virgil at the table.

“I get my roommate or roommates today,” Remy explains.

“And I was saying that he should have gotten a single.”

Remy would’ve hated a single. He’s just hoping whoever he rooms with isn’t going to be a complete asshole.

“Oh come on, roommates are fun.”

“If they’re anything like you were- no they are not.”

“Oh! Hey! Speaking of single rooms, Remy did Virgil ever tell you how Patton and him met?” Roman’s voice gains an eager tone, humor hanging behind it.

Remy rolls his eyes because he knows exactly where this conversation is going.

“Roman,” Virgil warns.

“You see, what happens when you have a single is that you have no one to let you inside if you lock yourself out,” Roman starts.

“Hey Remy, did I ever tell you about the time that Roman gave himself a concussion and a bloody nose because he fell off his desk?” Virgil quickly interrupts.

“Okay no- that’s not fair. I was trying to make my point. It’s your fault I fell off that desk.” Roman bickers back.

Virgil forms his rebuttal and the two of them go at it, hashing out an argument they’ve had probably a billion times.

Remy has in fact heard both of these stories numerous times, as they seem to be Roman and Virgil’s favorite pieces of playful ammunition at one other. With the two distracted, Remy slips away to check his email.

The roommate assignment hasn’t come. He sighs, and reloads it. Nothing. He sighs, and reloads it again, ‘cause he’s got nothing better to do.

He blinks in surprise when his phone reports that he actually has just gotten an email from the university. Remy lets the screen read the information to him, quickly speeding through the parts that seem unimportant. He eventually finds a name, just one of them.

Kai Jacobson.

Okay, one roommate. Remy can work with that. He thinks about reaching out, getting in touch, getting to know whoever this “Kai” is. But Remy literally got this email five minutes ago and that seems a bit stalkerish so he decides to wait a bit.

He holds off until after dinner and then emails his mysterious new roommate, eager to get to know him. Now that he actually has a roommate college is starting to seem more and more like a reality. Something thrums softly inside of Remy, and he thinks it’s maybe relief.

Kai doesn’t respond that night, but he has an email that evening and a phone number. They switch to texting.

-

It’s Logan that finds him a week later, sprawled casually across the sofa, earbud in his ear as he listens to Kai’s last text before responding. Cha-Cha was at his feet a moment ago, though the last time he leaned his foot down to brush against her fur, she wasn’t there.

He’s on his phone in the first place because his Dad called and he ignored it once more. After, his mind kept buzzing, so he opened up his texts and reached out to Kai, hoping for a quick response and a distraction. He doesn’t want to talk to his dad, doesn’t want to ruminate in what Remy has done. But Kai came through, replying to his text quickly. They’d been talking for awhile now and Remy has barely thought about his dad at all.

The text finishes reading itself and Remy holds down the mic on his headphones, eager to reply when a voice interrupts him.

“What are you doing?” Logan asks.

Remy pulls his attention away from his phone.

“What does it look like I’m doing?” he snarks back.

Logan moves.

“I’m not sure,” he admits, as he comes closer.

“Talking to Kai,” Remy says, giving a real answer.

“Oh. Uh, who’s Kai?”

“A friend.”

“You have friends?”

The corner of Remy’s mouth twitches at the comment, not quite giving way to humor, but close.

“Sorry,” Logan immediately apologizes when he doesn’t respond. “Sorry. That was rude. I didn’t- I meant- I- I think that maybe sounded wrong. I’m trying to say-”

Remy let’s Logan flounder for words for a bit, giving him the opportunity to speak and clarify, but when nothing comes from it and Logan just seems to be angry with himself, Remy jumps in.

“You’re good Lo, you don’t need to apologize. Admittedly- don’t quite know what you’re trying to ask if your question isn’t ‘do you have friends’ but if that is your question, I don’t mind it and the answer to it is yes, yes I do have friends.”

Remy does. Most of them are from home but he hasn’t talked to any of them since he got here. He’s gotten a few texts and the group chat he’s in still carries on with spamming him constantly. (It’d probably be annoying if he didn’t constantly have it on mute). And it’s- his friends are good people. He just... doesn’t know what to say.

He hasn’t even worked up the courage to text them, and he feels pretty guilty about that because they probably have no clue what happened to him. They were going to go out to the movies a few days ago and if they hadn’t been concerned then, they certainly are now. Remy knows that. But he still doesn’t talk to them.

What do you say after you make an instinctual decision to fly across the country three months earlier than planned with no explanation or goodbye? What do you say when you run away from home and, sure, you’re an adult but you have no fucking clue what you’re doing and something deep inside of you hurts and you’re scared and lost and alone and you don’t know how to deal with that, how to even begin addressing that?

Luckily, Remy doesn’t get to ponder those distressing thoughts any further, because Logan speaks up.

“I meant-” Logan tries after a moment, but he just cuts himself again with another sigh. He takes a seat on the couch, leg pressing into Remy’s feet. Considering Logan’s the one that initiated the physical touch, Remy throws his feet onto Logan’s lap. One of Logan’s legs bounces as he continues to ponder his question.

“Y’know it’s fine if you did just want to ask if I had a friend or not,” Remy said. He can’t tell with Logan sometimes- when Logan regrets saying something because he realizes it’s maybe not considered ‘socially appropriate’ or when Logan regrets saying something because it’s not quite what he meant and he’s not getting his point across.

“No, no,” Logan says. His leg bounces faster. “I meant more- you have friends as in I’m interested in them? Tell me about them. Who are you talking to?”

“Kai,” Remy says.

“Who’s that?”

“My roommate.”

“You got your roommate? And just one? And you’re hearing this late? What about priority?”

“Mhmm,” Remy agrees, “I signed up for the gender-inclusive dorming which is why I didn’t have priority. I think I maybe told you that. But yeah- the freshman dorms are generally less roommates because they’re tiny apparently.”

“Oh. Yes. I remember that now. Patton’s dorm was very small.”

“Yeah. So it’ll be just the two of us.”

“Is that a good thing or a bad thing?”

Remy shrugs.

“Dunno yet,” he admits, “Kai seems pretty cool though. They actually live locally so we’re planning to meet up. And that should be nice- getting to know them a bit before I meet them.”

“Oh. That’s good.”

“Yeah. They were very disappointed when I admitted that I didn’t play any video games. Joking disappointed,” Remy amends so Logan is aware that it wasn’t a real issue, “Or well- he was a bit disappointed but short-term it's not really a big deal disappointed. But I sated him with picture of Cha-Cha.”

He recalls the conversation fondly. Maybe he should talk to some of his friends back him if this minimal interaction between him and a practical stranger gets him this hyped up. Remy’s always been an extrovert. People around him- good people, friends- have always had a recharging effect on him. He’s been lonely without them.

Or he would be lonely. But he’s not. Because he’s fine.

Remy pushes those thoughts away.

“Oh! And give me a second,” Remy pulls his phone back out, searches for the pictures that have been sent. “Kai said that Cha-Cha was yawning in one of them and that it’s very cute, look.”

Logan takes the phone from him. He struggles with the voice commands for a moment.

“Double tap,” Remy reminds, when the same description is being read off over and over again.

Logan gives a hum of acknowledgement.

“Very cute,” he observes after a moment, “I didn’t know she had spots on her tongue.”

As if summoned, Cha-Cha comes over from wherever she was, collar jingling slightly as she settles her head on Logan’s leg, panting ever so slightly.

“Oh yeah,” Remy says, “Totally forgot about those.” He directs his next sentences at his dog, “Yeah, Cha-Cha? You have little spots on your tongue?”

Cha-Cha doesn’t reply, but does shuffle over to Remy’s side, settling her snout under his arm and nudging him slightly.

“I know, I know, you want a walk we can go in a minute,” he promises. She noses him once more and then stops, presumably settling on the floor again. Remy reaches a hand to check absentmindedly, fingers curling into her fur.

“Phone,” Logan offers, finished looking at the pictures.

Remy lets go of Cha-Cha and extends his hand towards Logan. Logan presses the phone against his fingers and he grabs it, settling it on his chest.

“I’m going to take Cha-Cha for a walk,” he says. At the words, Cha-Cha shoots to her feet in and instant. “Wanna come?”

“Sure,” Logan agrees. Remy nods, and throws his feet off of Logan. The action causes his phone to fall of his chest and clatter to the ground. He makes a face and takes a minute to find it on the floor before standing and pocketing it.

He looks over at the nearest window, checking the light. It isn’t too bright outside, but it was raining earlier and Remy learned a long time ago that while the light flashing off of puddles was very pretty, it also hurt like hell and was generally very disorientating.

“Lemme grab sunglasses and we can go,” he says.

“Okay,” Logan agrees and Remy darts away.

A walk will be nice. Remy really needs to get out of his head.

-

There’s someone at the kitchen table.

Remy is not expecting there to be someone at the kitchen table.

“Uh, hey?” he offers.

He gets no response.

The whole gang’s supposed to be at work. No one’s supposed to be home right now.

“Remy?” a quiet voice asks, sounding completely and utterly terrified.

“Hey Virge, yeah it’s me. Mind if I sit?”

Virgil doesn’t respond. But his breathing is even, and he doesn’t seem to be hurt or anything, so Remy lets the worst of the worry leave him. He’s been friends with Virgil for years. He knows how to handle this.

“Okay. Well I’m going to keep making breakfast then,” he says after a moment, and continues into the kitchen. He throws a bagel in the toaster and pulls out what he’s pretty sure is jam. The contents catch in the light, which is a good sign, but Roman and Patton aren’t super great at putting things back in the same spot (though Remy knows they’re both trying) and it’s still a pretty unfamiliar kitchen to Remy.

He gets the jam- and it is jam- on his bagel and let’s Virgil know that he’s going to join him at the table.

He walks over slowly, waiting to see if Virgil gives any indication that he doesn’t want Remy coming near him. But he doesn’t really respond in any way so Remy takes a seat across from him.

“Hey Virgil, not a great day?”

It’s obvious that it isn’t, considering Virgil isn’t at work, but Remy still asks. He’s not really sure where Virgil’s at right now, but the question can’t hurt and should be an easy one for Virgil to answer.

“No,” Virgil confirms.

Remy nods, but he isn’t super happy about how short that answer was.

“I- Do you need help with grounding or anything?”

“No,” Virgil answers, “No I- I know I’m here. I know I’m in the kitchen. I- just- I’m really scared,” he admits.

“Okay,” Remy says, “Do you need or want anything from me?”

“No- I- it’s okay. I’m okay. I know I’m okay.”

“You’re sure?”

Virgil sighs roughly.

“Yeah,” he says, and his voice seems a bit clearer, “Yeah, yeah I’m good. I’m okay. I’m safe.”

“Alright then. Well I’m leaving a bit to meet up with Kai.”

Virgil knows that information, Remy and Kai had planned to meet-up two weeks ago. But, with Virgil where he was at now, Remy thinks the reminder can’t hurt. It’ll give Virgil time for him to be okay with Remy leaving the house.

“You’re leaving the house?”

The fear is obvious in Virgil’s tone, even as Remy knows he’s probably trying to hide it.

“Yeah,” Remy says, “In about an hour. Don’t really know how long we’ll stay.”

Be as specific as possible, Remy remembers. Give Virgil space to respond. Acknowledge his fears, validate. Don’t let those same fears control decision making. Adapt, adjust, but keep moving forward.

“Do you want me to drive you?” Virgil offers. His fingers drum on the table.

“I was planning on taking the bus,” Remy says. He’d spent and hour last night trying to figure out the times online. It had been a frustrating experience, but he thought he’d finally figured it out.

“Oh.”

Remy knows Virgil, so he speaks up once more.

“Do you want to drive me?”

Remy doesn’t know what’s going through Virgil’s head right now. But he’s obviously scared- scared enough he hasn’t gone to work today, hasn’t left the house. It’s because Virgil hasn't left the house, that Remy is surprised Virgil even offers to drive him, but Remy also understands that Virgil probably doesn’t want him somewhere he isn’t positive Remy’s going to be safe at. And right now, Remy doubts there’s many places Virgil’s considering safe.

It had taken a while for Remy not to feel offended. When they were younger, Remy was insistent on being independent even as more and more people took that away from him. When he had first met Virgil, Virgil had seemed to do the same thing, not wanting Remy to be alone, go out by himself, etc. And Remy had hated it.

They fought about a few times before finally talking about it. Remy shared that he felt that Virgil was stealing away his independence instead of letting Remy come to him when or if he needed support. Virgil had apologized and shared that it had nothing to do with Remy, it was Virgil, and it was trauma, and he was working on it but sometimes he just got so scared and had to make sure Remy was safe. He couldn’t let Remy get hurt.

Virgil had worked on those fears, that lingering trauma and Remy had worked on not taking it personally and giving Virgil extra reassurances.

“I-” Virgil attempts, and right, Virgil’s offering to drive him. “I want you to be safe. I don’t want to leave the house.”

“I’m going to be safe,” Remy promises, “Do you want me to give you the address? I can also text you when I get there and when I leave if you want.”

“I-” Virgil hesitates, “Can you?”

“For sure,” Remy confirms, “I’m going to go get ready now. You good?”

“Eh,” Virgil offers, and Remy’s willing to take that.

He slips away to take a shower and then get dressed.

It’s getting dressed that trips him up, and he’s not even sure why. He doesn’t really care if he looks nice or not, he’s just meeting his roommate for the first time. He genuinely doesn’t feel a need or desire to look a certain amount of presentable. It’s more- it’s more his body he thinks. How his clothes look on his body. He’s all sharp edges. He’s tall and thin and rectangular, and his clothes show that. And when Kai sees him, they’re going to think…

Kai’s going to think what?

Kai’s just going to think he’s a guy wearing clothes. That’s literally it. Remy knows that. He doesn’t think that Kai’s going to pass judgement on him for what he’s wearing or not. And they wouldn’t pass judgement on Remy’s body intentionally, Remy knows that. But they- what if they pass judgement on his body unintentionally?

And why does that even matter to Remy? His body’s fine. He’s- he knows it’s fine. He’s fine with it. He likes his body. But Kai’s going to think…

Kai’s going to think he’s a guy.

But that’s right isn’t it?

Remy’s heart pounds in his-their-her-xyr-eir his chest.

He takes a deep breath.

“You’re a guy,” he says out loud to himself. “Kai’s going to see you and they’re going to think you’re a guy, and they’re going to be right.”

Remy pushes everything else to the side, stops worrying about how he looks. (Or more- he starts ignoring the fact that he’s worried about how he looks and what that means) and he moves to leave the house. He wants to talk to Virgil again first, so he doesn’t have time to be worrying about anything so it’s fine.

It’s fine.

He’s fine.

He.

“Virgil?” Remy calls when he’s back in the living room.

“Couch,” Virgil replies, “What’s up?”

“I’m headed out now.”

“I-” Virgil hesitates for just a second, “Okay.”

Remy knows how much strength it takes for Virgil to say that.

“Can I have the address?” he then asks.

“Yeah,” Remy says. He gives it to him, as well as which bus he’s taking, and promises to text him when he gets there and when he heads back.

“Okay, I gotta go,” Remy says eventually.

“Okay. Can-” Virgil cuts himself off. Remy waits. “Can I give you a hug?” Virgil eventually asks.

“Yeah,” Remy says, and then he’s being wrapped up in Virgil’s arms.

Virgil gives really good hugs. They’re firm and securing and loving and nothing like how confining his father’s have always felt. Remy lets himself melt into a moment, before slowly pulling away.

He gets Cha-Cha in her harness, calls out a goodbye, waits for one in response, and is out the door.

-

Remy arrives there perfectly on time and gets in line because coffee. He quickly texts Virgil to let him know that he's arrived and then texts Kai as well to tell them the same thing.

He’s just had someone show him to a table when a figure leans over him and speaks.

“Remy, right? I’m Kai.”

“Yeah,” he says with a smile, and reaches a hand out. Kai takes it and shakes it before dropping the hand and then sitting at the table.

“This Cha-Cha then?”

“Yeah,” Remy tells them, “You can say hi if you want.��

With permission Kai greats his dog with some cheerful cooing and pets. After a moment they stop and fall into semi-awkward silence.

“So,” Kai drawls.

“So,” Remy responds.

“I’m sorta awful at socializing,” Kai admits with a small laugh.

“That’s okay,” Remy says, “I don’t think I’m much better.

Five minutes later and they’re talking like they’ve known each other for years, initial awkwardness gone.

They talk about their dorm a bit, and Kai brings up their excitement at a gender-inclusive dorming option. Remy agrees with them, a smile on his face. Kai’s excitement is easily explained, the use of changing they/them and he/him pronouns making it clear why they picked it. Remy knows that he himself has to be hard to place. Kai probably assumes he’s just an ally. Which he is (isn’t he?). Remy almost wishes that Kai would ask him why he chose these particular dorms.

Except maybe not, because Remy knows what he’d answer.

He’s a guy. He’s cis. It’s fine.

He’s fine.

He’s fine. He’s fine. He’s fine.

He. He. He.

~~~

taglist below

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@mewithanie @eddies-spaghetti @lemonyellowlogic @savioursailor @goldteethandacurseforthistown @you-betcha-weirdo

[zarla-s]

Just gonna do a quick one of these since I haven’t done one in a long time, my inbox got basically destroyed during the hacking incident back in February, haha. So I might have lost any other old questions any of you might have sent in...

Sans suspects more than Papyrus (this’ll come up in a bit actually) but as the two of them have gotten more settled into a normal life, he tries not to think about it very much. Papyrus talks about it openly more often, but Sans wants to believe that they can be normal and happy too, and thinking about their unanswered questions bothers him. I’m not sure experimentation would come to mind for them, since they were basically blank slates after Gaster fell, so they would’ve had to read or hear about the concept from someone else to consider it. Again Sans would be more likely since he’s more well-read than Papyrus, haha. It doesn’t help that no one really talks to them frankly about the plates, and now they always hide them so they have even less reason to think about them...

No one wanted you to do this, Gaster! It doesn’t solve anything! It’s true that Asgore+7 might not be an instant-win, but I tend to picture an End of Evangelion kind of scenario for Asgore+7 where he ascends to a kind of Godhood after absorbing countless souls so at that point humanity is screwed. But who knows!

I actually wrestled a lot with this question when I was working on the script for when Alphys first finds them. I wondered about whether or not the brothers would have even been taught the concept of gender, and whether or not they’d default to referring to everyone as a “he”, and whether or not they’d even be familiar with gender markers or be able to identify any of them with Alphys (if they were only taught skeleton gender markers - though why would they? there aren’t any other skeletons out there anyway - it’s entirely possible that they wouldn’t match up with lizard gender markers). For a while I considered them misgendering her as a “he” since that’d be all they would’ve known at that period... but the harder I thought about it, the more it seemed like an increasingly complex can of worms that had the potential to hurt people sensitive to pronoun/gender issues and confusing for a casual reader. And on a purely technical level it’d also be confusing, because the brothers also only refer to Gaster as “he”, so having TWO unknown “he”s that the brothers would be talking about without specifying which “he” was in question also seemed like it’d be confusing for the reader, and I wasn’t really sure how much it would add to the scene...

At the same time, the brothers automatically referring to her as a “she” also didn’t sit right with me... I couldn’t help but keep asking myself how they’d be able to tell. Eventually I settled on “them”. Gaster’s talked about people outside on occasion with them, and he always uses “them”, so I figured they picked it up from him. It was still a hard decision to make though...

He really doesn’t like it when it’s a monster he doesn’t know very well, he thinks it’s really rude. With people he’s really used to, like Asgore, it doesn’t bother him so much because he knows Asgore can still understand him easily that way, though he still doesn’t like it. With strangers or acquaintances though, it’s a lot harder for him and he’ll usually tell them to turn around and look at him rather than keep going, haha.

The power scale between humans and monsters is so extreme, I really don’t think absorbing a boss monster SOUL would affect a human at all, haha. It’s like... if a human SOUL could be considered at 100 power, absorbing a boss monster SOUL would put them at 101 or 105 or something. Which would be enough to cross a barrier that required a power level over 100, let’s say, but still wouldn’t be enough to really affect the human in any way. I do wonder how he’d react to a human with monster traits though... my first guess would be not kindly, haha.

Hmm... I wrote a post a while back about making an AU which has a bunch of advice that still broadly applies to any kind of longform story like a comic. The tl;dr being that you’ll want to work out your plot and your themes and your general goal ahead of time. Basically in terms of quick steps, I guess I’d go with something like...

Get a fun idea you want to explore

Work out the general plot of the idea, including the ending

Work out the general arcs your characters will have over the course of the story (where they begin, how they change, where they end)

Write some script drafts for each page or scene of your comic. You don’t have to draft the whole plot at once, just a handful of scripts at a time so you can get an idea of how each page/scene will flow into the next and the big picture view of the scene in general. I think I’m a bit unusual in this regard since every page in Handplates I do is usually a self-contained scene, and I think a lot of comics tend to spread out scenes much longer across multiple pages, but it really depends on how you want to do it. My scripts always tend to run long, and that can be really taxing when you’re starting out...

If you get an idea for a cool script way ahead in your timeline, write it down as soon as you get it. You can write scene scripts out of order if you want, you can always go back and edit them later as your story goes along.

Once you got a script done, you can start laying out the page. I did a post about my process for that here, and you can also watch the process via video here.

It helps if you have a backlog of pages to post when you first want to start! Otherwise you’ll want to keep to a fairly regular schedule, since that keeps you thinking about the story so you don’t lose interest. You can just jump in too though if you want.

Be prepared to sink an enormous amount of time and effort into the project. A comic is a reeeeally big timesink, depending on how complicated each page can be and how long your story is.

I don’t really know if I’m a typical comic creator or anything, haha. Writing is the most important aspect of the process to me, and for any longer or serious comic I always write the script and refine it many times before I actually start to draw it out. On the other hand, while I’m writing a comic script, I’m usually also picturing it visually in my head at the same time, so I consider panel set-ups, focus shots, locations, expressions... I’m a pretty audio-visual fantasizer, haha. I know that’s not everyone’s strong point though... everyone’s process is different!

[izzy-b-hands]

London By Night, Chapter Six

Brunch, girls’ days out, lads’ days in, and sometimes the best therapy comes from four people who are your friends but also whom you work for (at least in lieu of actual therapy, and during a brunch with weak mimosas.) 

Also Chrissie takes on Y/N’s mum in a wonderful yet polite way while Rico Nasty’s ‘Smack A Bitch’ plays essentially. She’s a fuckin’ rock star in her own right in this chapter (who does not smack anyone, but like...the Tension is there lmao.) 

tw for misgendering, weight talk (...look we’re just not. gonna talk abt what of my own issues w/my mum I’m working out here. It’s just. happening and I’m rolling w/it.), casual transphobia and microaggressions from Y/N’s mum. Pretty frank descriptions and discussion of emotional abuse and fear of physical abuse. This one is...heavy. Take care in reading, y’all. Have a mug of something warm maybe (or cold? it’s summer and I’m melting constantly, have something comforting let’s say.) It exhausted me mentally and emotionally to write, so...yeah. Take it slow reading it if needed, or avoid if it’s too heavy. 

We are eventually going to get to some lightness again in this fic, I promise!

also I can’t decide how I wanna spell John’s nickname, so I just winged it and decided on one spelling at random here lol. 

My love to all who read/like/reblog!

“This is the emergency?” you scoffed, staring at the dishes and plates piled high with breakfast foods on the coffee table in Brian’s sitting room.

“Yeah,” Roger grinned. “We’ve got this lovely brunch, and two more place settings that are empty, and well, now here you both are!” 

“Did you do this just to get her off our backs and into a hotel?” you asked.

“Well, that and I wanted breakfast,” Roger replied. “So I called up Brian and Chrissie, and we got to work; John brought toast-” 

John nodded, a piece of it in his mouth while he reached for a scone. 

“And now here we are! And after a night of dealing with her, you need something like this.” 

“Wasn’t all dealing with her,” Freddie grinned, and you gave him a light jab in the ribs. “Was dealing with someone else too.” 

“Is that what you’re calling it now?” you teased. “Are you going to ‘deal with me’ later, since the flat will be ours alone again?” 

“Down, you two,” Brian laughed. 

“Or you’ll get the hose?” 

“He’ll do it,” Roger said far too seriously, and you wondered exactly what story hid behind that comment. 

But there was no time to ask, as a sudden loud knock on the door startled you all. 

“Who on earth?” Brian muttered, and tried to lean from his seat to look out the front window. “That’s a cab leaving. Who else would be coming here by cab?” 

Your hands shook slightly as it dawned on you, and you set down the plate you’d started to fill with food. 

“Oh fucking hell,” Roger spat, looking through the spyhole of the front door. “Guess who?” 

You carefully but quickly moved from your seat near John, and started for the back door. 

“No, Y/N,” Freddie called, scrambling up to retrieve you. “Be calm. It’s going to be alright.” 

The knocking was more insistent now, just as loud as before. 

“She’ll wear her knuckles through the damned door,” Roger muttered. “Ridiculous.” 

“I’m calm, you said. “Perfectly calm. It’s just that she’s here, and she shouldn’t be because we just left her at the hotel, and how did she even fucking find us-” 

“I love you, but this is the exact opposite of calm,” Freddie cut you off as you babbled. “We’ll get you out of here. Now, she might see us out the back door somehow, so Brian, which upstairs window would you suggest is easy enough for us to climb out of?” 

“What?” Brian frowned. “None of them, because you can’t climb out my fucking windows and go running across the roof?” 

“Now Brian, we’ve talked about refusing new ideas without even trying them and how detrimental that can be-” 

“Yeah, in regards to like...new food in new places while on tour,” Brian interrupted. “Not about you clambering about the rooftop via my windows!” 

“Necessity demands it, Brian!” 

“Even if it did, the back door is still the only option!” Brian sighed, clearly exasperated. “Is she that bad?” 

Roger nodded, eyes wide open as he walked back to the table, snagged a full champagne flute of mimosa, and drained it. . 

“Well, I can’t just leave her out there!” Brian protested, heading for the door. 

“What is all this racket?” Chrissie asked as she ran from downstairs to the door. “All of you that sloshed already you can’t answer the door? There’s barely any champagne in the mimosas...” 

“Chrissie no!” Whether Roger was bemoaning her opening the door or the lack of extra champagne in the mimosas you weren’t sure, but it didn’t matter if it was just one or both, as your mother waltzed in as if she owned the place. 

“Y/N! You left me no phone number to reach you at, and I have a question about the hotel, an important one!” 

“Yes?” you asked, hoping it was actually important.

“Well, I need to know if the hotel serves breakfast, because I am hungry, but you both left in such a hurry! So I had the concierge help me get the same cab you both used, and then I told him I was meant to have gone with you, and that nice gentleman drove me here! But look at all this! Is this the ‘tour emergency’ you were called to solve?” 

“We’re discussing that issue over brunch,” Brian said quickly. 

“They are,” Chrissie immediately backed him, and you wanted to hug her. “So, you’re Y/N’s mother? I’ve been able to hear from upstairs, Y/N has told the boys so much about you!” 

“All good?” your mother asked, a hint of ice in her voice. 

But Chrissie was a natural, or at least wasn’t about to be talked down to in her own home. “Of course! You know, since you mentioned breakfast; I was going to meet Brian’s mum in about an hour for an early lunch. But you could surely come with us; we could even leave early, do some shopping, if you’ve any favorite shops you’d like to stop at.” 

“I’ve never been here before,” your mother said in a voice that rudely insinuated Chrissie should somehow have magically known that.

“Even better!” Chrissie caught your eye and gave a near-imperceptible nod of assurance. “In fact, why not make it a girls’ trip, since the boys have taken over the space here for work? Rog, John? Why not call up your mums, see if they’d like to have a girls’ day out!” 

Roger and John obediently stood and went to the phone, but you couldn’t relax yet. All this was doing was exposing her to more people, surely-

“I’ll call Mary,” Freddie’s voice interrupted your on-the-verge-of-derailing train of thought. “She’d love to join you all, I’m sure.” 

“The more the merrier,” Chrissie said warmly, but you tried to flash him a look that read ‘no’ regardless. Adding in more people couldn’t be the solution. 

Freddie only shook his head at you, and went to wait his turn for the phone, while Chrissie pulled your mother into the kitchen for a cup of tea. 

“You okay?” Brian asked softly as he sat back in his seat. 

“Do you have a sinkhole in the garden I could jump into?” 

“We’ve not had the sinkhole put in yet, sorry,” he smiled sweetly. “I really think this will be better than you must be imagining. Maybe this will help her loosen up, get her off of your back for a bit.” 

“You’re all very kind to me, and to her,” you said. “But she’s not that easily handled. She never has been, and eventually everyone hits their breaking point with her.” 

“Then we’ll just hope that she’s on her way home before any of us reach that point,” Brian said. “Don’t stress more over it, you’ll only do yourself in.” 

“Okay,” you mumbled, and dropped your head into your hands as you went back to your seat. 

“Have a scone, breathe. You’ll be fine, everything will be.” 

You broke off a piece of the scone he handed you and jammed it into your mouth. It was good, but you knew you’d only start to feel better and safe once she was out of the house. 

“They all said yes!” Freddie chirped as he came back in and sat down beside you. “Oh, you look like you’re about to cry. Please don’t, it’s really going to be alright.” 

“That’s what I said,” Brian replied, distracted by something as he leaned back in his seat to look into the kitchen. “I think I get what you’re talking about with her now. How she is, all that.” 

“How so?” Freddie asked.

“Well, Chrissie is shooting me her ‘christ almighty come save me’ look, and that’s only used in desperate times, so-” 

You interrupted him with a frustrated groan, and shoved another bit of scone in your mouth to hold off the tears. 

“I’ll go in and help her out, give her a break for a moment,” Brian said. “Probably good I get to know your mum too, if I’m going to help deal with her, right?” 

“Flawed thinking,” Roger warned as he came back into the room and dropped into the nearest seat (John’s, as it happened.) “I fell for it too, last night. But go on, join us in our misery.” 

Brian rolled his eyes and started towards the kitchen, John popping back in and taking his chair as soon as he was up. 

“So...you know the rest of this brunch is you telling us all about her, right? We can’t talk about anything else now.” 

You sighed. “What all do you want to know?” 

“Everything! Has she always been like this? If so, do you know why? And if you don’t know, why don’t you? Did you do something to her, did someone else? Did-” 

“Deacy,” Roger said. “One at a time; he’s already a mess! And let’s at least wait until she leaves.” 

“And what are we to talk about in the meantime?” John scoffed.

“Saw a squirrel fighting a bird for a bit of biscuit on someone’s lawn this morning,” Roger said. “How about that?” 

John thought for a moment, then nodded. “Who won?” 

Before Roger could reply, your mother swooped back in, Brian and Chrissie right behind her. 

“So, Y/N, I am being treated to a girls’ day out!” she squealed happily. 

Brian rolled his eyes, and shot you a sympathetic look.

“Now, I just wanted to address...” she continued. “I mean, well. It’s for girls, and you...technically...I mean you are, or were, but you are and aren’t and um. I don’t want you to feel bad that you aren’t coming with, you know, but...I mean, if we were designating it by what’s in our pants, it might be different, and-” 

You had never witnessed a shared group look of terror, but it was a hell of a thing to see as it enveloped everyone, as it dawned on them what she was trying to say. 

“Y/N is a part of our uh...call it a lads’ day in,” John interrupted before she could blather any more. “Also, part of tour prep as a member of the road crew.” 

You nodded, fighting off the anxiety attack threatening to break forth. 

“So no need for apologies or worries or anything else,” Roger added. “You’re doing your thing, having your day, and he’s here with us having his, all is well.” 

“I know, but-” your mother started. 

“If you’re worried about the boys keeping busy and entertained,” Chrissie interrupted. “Don’t. They keep each other plenty busy, don’t you all?” 

As you nodded with the rest of the guys, you wished you could thank her now for taking your mother head on like she was. She certainly was under no obligation to do so, but she had, and it was the kindest gift she could have given you, someone she barely knew. 

Your mother opened her mouth yet again, but Brian didn’t let her get a syllable out. 

“You know, we have a cat! Y/N mentioned you like cats. Squeaky is out in the garden, you ought to go meet her.” 

“That is a wonderful idea,” Chrissie agreed, bouncing up on her feet to give him a kiss before gently but steadily taking your mother by the arm and leading her out to the garden. 

As she left, the tension in the room went with her. 

“Right, so the squirrel won,” Roger said. “But back to Deacy’s questions, and I’ll echo one of them as politely as I can: what in the fuck is her problem?” 

You laughed. You couldn’t help it; you’d reached a breaking point with the oddness of it all and how horrendous you feared it might turn the longer your mother was around. “You’re asking me?” 

Roger nodded.

“If I knew, I would have found a way to do something about it by now,” you continued. “Trust me. I’d love to say she would try therapy, or something to work on herself, but she won’t. So we’ll likely never have an answer to that question. And even if we did get one, she’d find a way to make it someone else’s fault. God, I have...years of stories, that rightfully no one wants to hear, of frustration and anger over dealing with her and the hurt I’ve hung onto and-scones! Are my favorite, I just can’t help myself around them.” 

Your mother walked back in just in time for the last sentence, and smirked. “I think they can see that. Y/N has always had a bit of a tummy, but you’re working on it now, right? You always said you wanted to slim down after you started all of-” 

She made a gesture towards her own chest and crotch. “That ‘stuff.’ Be a shame to waste all the hard work those doctors put in for you, all over a few extra cookies you couldn’t say no to. And not to mention the money you paid! My goodness-” 

A car horn honked outside, and Roger darted up to look out the window. “Ah! There’s my mum with the car. Looks like she picked up the rest of the ladies first too! Right on to shopping then, how exciting!” 

You wanted to laugh, because he sounded the exact opposite of excited for shopping, but bless him, he was putting in the work to try. 

“Let’s get moving!” Chrissie had one hand on your mother’s shoulder urging her to the front door, the other taking her purse from Brian as he handed it to her. “Usual rules, boys. No fist fights, no live munitions, no setting the house on fire, no overfeeding the cat! We’ll see you all later!” 

Brian laughed and shook his head as they left, but pulled her close for just a moment to whisper something to her. 

“If you don’t mind, can I ask what you told her?” you asked. “Told her to resist the urge to kill my mum?” 

“No,” Brian said. “Just told her to call if she should need us. Maybe could have tacked that on though.” 

“Chrissie wouldn’t get caught anyway,” Roger said. “She’s a smart woman.” 

“I can’t decide if that’s reassuring or not, Rog,” Brian said with a slight frown. 

“Save you the decision, it is,” Roger replied. “Now. Y/N, you mentioned stories. Let’s hear them. The first ever Queen therapy brunch has officially begun, and we won’t even charge you.” 

You laughed, but shrugged. “Are you guys sure you want to hear all this? You don’t have to let me vent, and it’s probably not healthy to do it this way...” 

“You’re in a safe place, and we’re giving you permission to vent to us,” Brian said. “Go for it.” 

“We’ll need tea,” Freddie fretted. “What’s out here has gone cold, Brian-” 

“I’ve got it,” Brian smiled. “I’ll put some on, you all get started. If you talk loud enough, Y/N, I can hear you from the kitchen.” 

“I...I don’t know where to start,” you hesitated. “No one has ever really let me just...talk about it. I mean, looking back, there were days where she was my hero. She taught me to be kind, to love others, to treat people and animals well and with respect. She would do nice things for me, like make my favorite dinner or buy me a toy.” 

They all nodded, and it was both odd and nice to have people clearly listening and caring. 

“Then other days...she was a nightmare. I was honestly terrified of her. She never laid a hand on me, but she didn’t have to. When she got mad or frustrated or felt I’d done something wrong, and some days mind you, I couldn’t do anything right in her eyes...I’d always fear she would finally hit me. I still do, sometimes. But the yelling was enough. Some days it was just shaming and lecturing. But it always makes me feel lesser. Like I’m not human enough. Or like I’m too much to deal with to be around anyone.” 

Their soft smiles at your opening up had faded, replaced with winces and looks of horror. 

“Y/N...” Freddie said softly. “How long have you been hanging onto all this?” 

“Does it matter?�� you shrugged. “She’ll never apologize for any of it. She doesn’t think she’s done anything wrong. Ask her about today, and I guarantee you, she won’t see that she did anything wrong with how she’s acted. This is how it’s always been, and probably always will be whenever she’s around. It’s so...heavy. I’ve been carrying her whenever she needed carrying, in addition to holding myself up, and my back has broken from it so many times already...but it doesn’t ever matter. I get back up, and I keep going forward, because that’s what I’ve always done.” 

“This isn’t right,” John said, an undercurrent of anger in his voice, even as he gently took a cup of tea from Brian, who was playing waiter as he handed them out. “I want to talk to her.” 

“I appreciate that,” you said quickly. “But you wouldn’t be the first. Some of my doctors tried. Stayed up late, due to the time difference, and called her all the way from Europe, while I was over here for all my transitioning things. She played along long enough to placate them, then yelled at me later saying they made her feel like a bad mother.” 

You threw up your hands. “And the worst bit? Today was a relatively tame day for her. Roger knows it, he got the brunt of a bad day with her last night.” 

Roger nodded. “Would you like to know how the rest of our conversation went last night, while you and Freddie were out getting dinner?” 

You winced. “Yes, and no?” 

“Very well,” Roger said. “I was trying to talk to her more about how much you’d enjoyed the Tate, and how happy you were here, how happy you make Freddie, how happy he makes you. Trying to get her to see things from your perspective, to help her worry less, you know?” 

“Thank you,” you said.

“Well, don’t thank me, because it didn’t work,” Roger scoffed, and grabbed another full flute to sip from. “She started going on about ‘what about her, and her feelings, and I could never understand how she feels and we don’t know you well enough to really get it all’ and I-” 

He took another sip. “I admit, I got upset on your behalf. I reminded her that you’re an adult, and you deserve to go out and live your life as you want. She claimed not to disagree with that, but then immediately did by saying she felt you needed her close by, and how could she do that with you out here.” 

“And that’s how you got to talking about your mum and how she parented you, and my mum insulting her,” you said. “Jesus. I’m sorry, Rog.” 

“Don’t be sorry, you’ve done nothing wrong!” Roger replied. “She should be sorry, but like you said...she doesn’t seem the apologizing type.” 

“I’ve never been so glad to have such a variety of scones,” you murmured. 

“Scones and tea will ease the pain,” Freddie joked. “Or at least, give you something to do besides worry about her.” 

“How could you tell?” you asked. 

“Just a feeling,” Freddie said. “And the look on your face. Like you’ve been force-fed rancid food or something. You only do that when you’re worrying yourself into a panic.” 

“I could never play poker,” you sighed, and there was a beat before they burst into laughter. 

“That is...the oddest thing to say after all of this,” John said, shaking his head. “I like it. Good on you for it, you can still laugh. That’s something you have over her, you know.” 

You nodded. “I suppose it is. Not much, but-” 

“No,” Freddie said, and took your hands in his. “Anything you have over her, is something. Is important. Is special. And you have more than you know, because you’re doing all these things she either couldn’t or wouldn’t do. You’re trying to be happy, to live life the way you want. To travel, to take risks, to do what you love doing. But she, to me, seems she will always be stuck mentally just where she is: unhappy with what she didn’t do, but unwilling to make any changes for herself, and putting the blame elsewhere.” 

There were tears at the edges of his eyes, and you sighed shakily. “Don’t you cry, I’ll start then.” 

Brian raised a hand to catch your eye, and you turned to him. “Sorry. Already on that train. My parents weren’t perfect, but...I think I need to take them out to dinner, or something, soon. Have them over for a night or something.” 

Roger and John were in similar straits, eyes red, sniffling quietly. 

You let the tears fall as Freddie pulled you close for a hug, and smiled as you watched him wipe away tears of his own after he let you go. 

“Lord. What a mess I’ve made of us,” you tutted. “I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t be sorry,” Brian said. “You’re a part of this weird little family, whether you like it or not.” 

Roger nodded. “Means we care about you, and whatever bullshit is getting you down, and we’re here for you. You’ll have to get used to that before the next tour starts, you know.” 

“I can try,” you said with a soft and shaky laugh. 

“That’s all we ask,” John said. “Also, that you eat some more. God, this is almost too much food.” 

“We can send everyone home with leftovers,” Brian said. “Enough that we might get away with minimal grocery buying before the tour starts. No worries about any extra going to waste while we’re gone, for once.” 

“What a mix,” Freddie laughed. “We’ve got Indian at home, now a full English breakfast...” 

“Home?” John asked, an eyebrow raised. “Rog thought you might be telling me about this soon. Should I take it you’ve decided to stay with Fred?” 

You nodded happily, the tears drying as you settled into it, the new connection and comfort you had with all of them. “I have. Let the tenants in that other flat do whatever they want. I’ve got my home.” 

“With a fridge that might run out of room,” Freddie said with a sigh. 

“We’ll figure it out,” you said. “Or eat bigger meals.” 

“How utterly domestic,” Roger smiled. “Look at you two! But I like seeing it. And so help me, if your mother tries to go back to your flat, I will-” 

The phone rang, and silence fell. 

[seunghyuns-enbyfriend]

BTS Reaction to S/O Coming Out as Nonbinary

A/N: If you don’t like it, just don’t read it, thx, there’s no reason for anyone to hate on things they don’t like/agree with, so just go about your day, title says it all so don’t pretend I didn’t tell you what this is.  Follow my blog for more content like this and have a wonderful day.  Sorry if some of these are really similar, I wanted to point out the differences but I didn’t want to make the others too short, especially since my bias is first in the order I always go (fanchant order, for anyone curious before reading it, so no, I didn’t just put my bias first lol), I hope everyone enjoys this!

Kim Namjoon:

Mr. Big Brain here?  He’d want to know everything about it, he’d race through the google questions (on google, of course, I think he’d understand how tiring it is to be asked the same question again and again, I mean, the infamous dating question...) then approach you with any personal questions, sit and listen with wide eyes and open ears.  “Babe, I want to be an advocate for you, just tell me how you want me to do it.  I google’d the basics, here’s what I know, tell me if anything’s wrong.”  Starts talking about it more in interviews, using even more gender-neutral terms.  Takes to using your pronouns relatively quickly and feels like absolute garbage when he gets it wrong, spends the whole day making it up to you if he fucks up.  When someone talks shit about enbies, he’ll launch into a whole speech about why they’re wrong, overwhelms them with his off-the-cuff knowledge of the subject and ability to cite sources, will 100% speak over them if they’re continuing to say some dumb shit, especially if they cite “god”, and will talk about ancient cultures with more than 2 genders just to point out that it’s far from a new concept.  Will physically protect you if necessary, he may not be a violent person but he’s built like a protector.

Kim Seokjin:

“So...  You’re not breaking up with me, right?  I mean, obviously there are more important things than that but...  No matter what gender you are, you can’t resist my handsome face, right?”  Pouts and jokes and pulls you into a tight hug before seriously telling you that he doesn’t care what gender you are, he loves and respects you.  A bit more hands-off than Namjoon, will let you educate him and will google things if it seems important but to him, you’re just a person, and a person he loves very much.  All he cares about in terms of your gender is how that affects your relationship, so of course he’d work hard to get your name and pronouns and such right, and he’d learn how to comfort you through dysphoria, and how to properly correct people (by watching you, of course, or if you’re too shy, he’ll ask why you didn’t correct them then take initiative and figure out how to correct them himself).  When someone’s talking shit about enbies, he’ll be more the type to ask them why they think whatever their reason is comes before people’s happiness and mental health.  Doesn’t understand why people are so damn rude.  Will usually just take you out of confrontational/unsafe environments/situations but will fight if he has to.  Will definitely make computer-based puns, but only if you don’t find them offensive.

Min Yoongi:

“Ok, just tell me what to call you and how to talk about you.”  Quietly there for you.  In secret googles all the questions he knows are more general.  Will glare down anyone who talks shit about you until they’re intimidated into shutting the fuck up.  Will cover your ears and quietly give a very detailed and disturbing description of gender dysphoria he found online once they’re silent, take your hand, and walk away.  Quiet in his advocacy for you but won’t ever, ever back down unless you tell him to.  100% will get in someone’s face if necessary, will physically protect you in spite of his shorter stature.  Won’t take any shit from anyone about it and will cut people off if they treat you poorly, especially because of your gender.

Jung Hoseok:

Another silly boy, but unlike Jin, his first words will be, “You know...  I love you.  Your personality.  Who you are as a person.  Not as a [boy/girl], as you.”  Then he’ll start making jokes and talking about getting new couple’s clothes, mugs, etc.  I could see him messing up a little more than most of the other members, but he’ll always catch himself and apologize.  He gets a little carried away sometimes and I think he knows that.  Will be very careful when he’s not being playful, and will triple down on being careful when he’s talking to the public, if you’re out about your relationship and want to be out as nonbinary.  Won’t misgender you even if you don’t want to be out as nonbinary, but he will find ways to do that without outing you.  Will google things as they come up, and will talk to you about it.  Will confront hateful bigots calmly, but if they say anything about you specifically, he’ll lose his shit and go off on them, probably scare the shit out of them, too, since he’s usually such a happy-go-lucky guy.  Will go out of his way to make you smile when you tell him and whenever you run into bigots.

Park Jimin:

At first, he’ll think you’re going to break up with him, and he’ll freak out a little, tell you that he doesn’t care what gender you are because he loves you and he hopes he didn’t do anything wrong.  Will calm down once you reassure him you don’t want to break up, you just want him to know.  He’ll be so relieved, and he’ll remind you that he really does love you with all his heart and soul.  Will insist on learning as much as he can so he doesn’t mess up.  Kind of a big ball of anxiety for a while because he really doesn’t want to fuck up and lose you.  Will passionately tell bigots to go fuck themselves (maybe not in those exact words but well...) and whisk you away from them as quickly as possible.  Probably won’t refer to you using any pronouns until he’s sure, will always slow down as he begins talking about you, wording sentences in his head and checking them over against his internal list of things not to call you before he says them out loud, still double-checking before they come out of his mouth.  Very protective of you, doesn’t want to tell the world about your relationship even more once you come out to him because he wants to protect you from all the haters in the world and he knows he can’t.  Needs lots of reassurance that you’re ok and that you know what you’re getting yourself into, and that you can just block the haters.

Kim Taehyung:

“Woah!  That’s cool!  Does this mean I get to take you shopping for a whole new wardrobe?  We should get you some really cool new clothes!  We should, we should go shopping and get you a bunch of new clothes!”  Will kind of just roll with it, doesn’t understand why it’s that big of a deal but he’ll respect you through and through.  When confronted with bigots, he’ll look at them with that sad/confused puppy face and ask why they can’t just accept you.  Wants to show the world how brave and strong you are, but only with your permission.  As much as he doesn’t see why it’s a big deal, he does see that it is a big deal and that people are cruel about it, so he’s thrilled you trusted him with it and is so, so proud of you just for existing and being strong.  Wishes he could protect you but sees that you’re strong enough to protect yourself and him, and will cheer you on if you ever have to.  Prefers to take you away from hostile environments.

Jeon Jungkook:

“I should take new pictures of you.  Showing off the real you.  We can use a nonbinary pride flag in them.  That would be pretty cool, wouldn’t it?  Why wouldn’t I still love you?  You’re my muse, my model, my love.  Your gender doesn’t change that.  You’re still you, after all.  It’s your personality I love.”  Mature Kook hours right here, as much of a silly baby boy as he can be, he understands the gravity of the moment.  As the youngest, he probably has more understanding from the start, but he’ll do more research to make sure he didn’t miss anything.  Will roll his eyes at bigots before commenting to you, “It’s so funny how people can ignore other people’s feelings like that.  Come on, jagiya, let’s go be around people who respect others.”  100% doesn’t waste time on bigots.  Not afraid to act as your bodyguard or to let his bodyguard(s) do the dirty work if someone tries to hurt you.  Loves exploring your identity with you.

[spellscarred]

i can't remember which ones i already sent so forgive me if i send repeats, but: Shipping and Handling for oli !! how do i make him like me :<

Oof. Okay, LOL.

PLATONIC

The thing with Oli is... there's no unifying factors to his friends. He doesn't do friends often anyway, but I'll try.

- Have an X factor. I know that sounds vague, but that's really it. Oli's best friend is the sweetest, softest summer child, and his friends directly after that are like... bitches in their own way. If you ask Oli, "how can I be your friend?" he wouldn't know either.

- Don't try to be his friend. Like... honestly, at the end of the day, Oli is a picky, shitty bitch. And trying to actively be his friend is an easy way to get him to scrunch his nose and dismiss you — quite rudely too, probably. Just... if he doesn't immediately (subconsciously) decide to give a shit about you, he won't ever, and no effort on your part will change that.

- Don't expect any niceness. Oli is protective, and begrudgingly selfless, but he's not nice. Yes, even when he's your friend. He's blunt, he's frequently irritated/exasperated, and often looks at you as though you're not worth shit. That's just the way he is, it says nothing about his feelings for you. But...

- If you're sensitive, just stay away. As said, Oli is an abrasive person. If you're likely to take things people say personal, you're not going to have a good time being his friend, so. He's bound to hurt your feelings, everyone who's ever been his friend has gotten their feelings hurt by him at one point or another. You can test what he thinks about your relationship by telling him he hurt your feelings. If he apologises, that means you're in. If he shows amusement, then that's it.

- Don't misgender him. Like obviously this is a rule for all trans people, but... just because he is ambivalent about pronouns (you can use whatever pronoun you want for him), doesn't mean he's ambivalent about his gender. Don't refer to him as a man, a boy, a woman, or a girl. Don't use gendered possessive nouns (boyfriend/girlfriend), don't call him "sir" or "ma'am", don't say "mister" or "miss", just... If you do it once, that's fine, undoubtedly you'll just get corrected, by him or those close to him. If you keep doing it after the fact, he's gonna assume maliciousness.

ROMANTIC

So this is especially difficult bc... there's not really any specific type he goes for, and it's even a mystery to him who he ends up being attracted to, so. But there are a few pointers.

- Don't expect monogamy. You can be monogamous, that's perfectly fine. Don't expect it from him. This doesn't mean he's going to sleep around, but expect that he's probably dating/interested in more people than just you.

- Basically, the same things above count here too. Will he be nicer to you? He'll try. Maybe. But it's not likely. But he'll be generous, with his time and his means. And you'll see moments of vulnerability that others might not.

[panticwritten]

Breaking Furnace Book 1: Lockdown

Chapter 3: Down The Rabbit Hole, Alice

Here is chapter 3!

I’ve had to change quite a bit of formatting to post on tumblr because I am a fiend when it comes to using different fonts and tools and junk in my writing. If you want to read this chapter with its original formatting, you can do so here.

Table of contents!

All of my writing!

Remember that this is a daydream taking place in the Escape From Furnace universe, so keep that in mind if you haven’t read EFF.

Word count: 4485

Triggers for this chapter:

Being misgendered

Sexual harassment

As always, let me know if you need anything tagged.

Chapter four will be up on Friday, January 12th, at 7pm.

If you like what I do here, maybe consider buying me a Ko-fi or checking out my Patreon! I love being able to put so much out for free, but this would be a great way to show support and also see cool new content!

~-S-~

The process is a blur. Decontamination, new clothes, and waiting for the elevator. The suits stay in good spirits, though I try to be stern when they talk to me like a friend. I’m here as a prisoner, and they know it.

This isn’t going to help me stay safe in the prison. Already, each time one of the guards addresses me like an equal, Monty fixes me with an openly hostile glare. I doubt he’ll keep quiet about how close I am to the guards once we’re inside.

The awkward, one-sided conversation the blacksuits have been putting me through ceases when the elevator arrives. I rush in and ignore the whirring of the machine gun that comes to life on the roof of the car. The suits bid us—me, specifically—farewell, but I ignore them and glare at the floor.

The suits just laugh and begin to walk away as the doors shudder. The moment they close, I steel myself. We’re going down.

Underground.

I take a deep breath and try to put it from my mind. I’ve been here before, I can handle it now. Setting my shoulders, I wave a hand to freeze the camera pointed at us.

I gaze at the two new boys, polar opposites from each other, and try to figure them out. I don’t know how much sentience they have, or whether they’ll help or hinder the escape. I guess there’s only one way to find out.

“Camera’s off, we have the whole ride to talk.”

Jimmy, the tall, skinny one, immediately starts listing off questions. Some of them are things I want to explain to Alex and Zee, anyway, so it really doesn’t help me assess him. Are these his questions? Or mine?

“What did you mean when you said we’ll all get out of here? Didn’t you work for Furnace? How did you stop the camera? Stop time?” I raise a hand to stop him before he wastes the whole ride. I need to know.

“I meant that I’m blowing the lid off of this place. Again. There’s a reason I worked here, and it’s not because I’m a sadist. I—”

“You’re crazy,” Monty mutters. “No one’s getting out, you’re just a lunatic. Why do you think they sent you here instead of Max? Don’t listen to her, Jimmy.” He turns to Alex and Zee. “You two shouldn’t be buying into this, either.”

I look at him. I’m not sure how much of that was him and how much of it was me, but it hit home. Just a little bit, that hurt.

But that’s nothing new.

“This won’t be the first time I've had this place torn apart.” He scoffs, and I narrow my eyes. “We’ve beaten Furnace before. I mean, Zee even assaulted his warden a couple times.”

“Don’t drag me into this,” Zee mutters.

“Are you saying you aren’t scared of him?” Monty challenges. I start to laugh, maybe a little nervously. Christ, that’s not what I’m getting at at all.“And if you beat Furnace, what's the prison still doing here?”

“I-”

“And how are you freezing things?” Jimmy asks. I look back at him, surprised. That’s easy, something everyone in the Cube knows by now, so I think he’s mostly cognizant. I should probably be real with him, then.

“None of this is real, kiddo. It’s an elaborate daydream of mine, and you got caught in it.”

“What?”

“It’s a game, Jimmy,” I say with a dramatic sigh. “A fabricated world. You guys were supposed to be part of the scenery. I made a mistake, as cold as that sounds.” I shrug, itching at the skin on my arm concealing the key. It feels weird. “Anyone who dies wakes up somewhere safe. That includes you now, I think.”

The look on Monty’s face tells me he has something else to say, but the elevator begins to grind to a halt. I still don’t know about Monty, but that'll have to wait.

“Wait! I have to put the cameras back, we can talk about this later.” I wave the camera back on just as the doors begin to open.

At the front of the crowd in genpop, four familiar faces approach. The rest of the Skulls follow close behind them. I note that Donovan, Dominic, and Connor wear the black Skull bandannas along with the usual crowd. Kevin must have let them join the gang this time. Protection in exchange for another chance at getting out.

The idea of Donovan in the Skulls is so absurd that it takes me a second to remind myself of the eyes on me.

“Look what we have here. What’re you in for, girlie?” Kevin croons, stopping right at my feet.

I respond with what I hope is an easy smile.

“How nosy. Am I supposed to be scared, Chicken Pox?” I breathe. I lean forward and whisper in his ear. “Make it believable.”

I don’t get a chance to pull away before his fist sinks into my gut.

I double over, and he laughs, pushing me back. I sink to the floor, winded, and glare up at him. I guess I asked for that.

“Yeah, little girl, you should be scared,” he says with a smirk. The siren sounds before he can take it any further. He leaves without another word and joins the throng of inmates gathering in a yellow circle painted on the floor of the yard.

Alex and Zee help me up, and I take a moment to catch my breath. Jimmy hangs back, and Monty glances at me.

“You know him?” the short boy asks.

I wave him away, though I do bob my head in a nod. “ Kevin. He’s gonna keep us alive 'til the game really starts.”

The doors at the far side of the yard open with another siren blast. My stomach squirms at the reminder of where we are. I tell the others to stay sharp in a low voice, though Alex and Zee certainly don’t need telling.

Three blacksuits, the guards of Furnace Penitentiary, step out first with shotguns slung over their shoulders. Their grins, half-moons wider than should be possible, almost identify them more than the crisp black suits they wear.

Then come the wheezers. The hairs on the back of my neck stand up, and I clench my fists. Withered soldiers, their gas masks hide the truth. Ancient tinkerers working on flesh and bone to create beings that are more than human. The cost, however…

Catastrophe.

Finally, the real monster emerges. Two of his giant, skinless dogs pant at his heels. His skin looks off, but it’s hard to tell exactly what it is at a glance. Leathery, dry, a mummy disguised as a businessman. The pits of his eyes are nearly impossible to look into.

I don’t need to see them, though, to know the truth. I see past his welcoming grin at the villain beneath. For an instant, I manage to catch his eye and it’s nearly too much. I feel the world peel away, my thoughts twisting. All of the nectar in the room, the prison, in this world almost brings me back. It almost turns me right here.

Instead, the prison snaps back into place and I glare defiantly at the warden of Furnace Penitentiary.

My adoptive brother, if I were to listen to Connor.

He begins his obviously rehearsed speech, promising us an easy stay if we follow the rules. I ignore him, having heard this many times before. It doesn’t take long for him to get down to business.

“Jessica Furnace. Prisoner number 201239. Cell A10, ground floor.” I breathe a sigh of relief. At least he gave me my own cell. I stride into the ring among shocked mutters that quickly morph into catcalls and jeers. I ignore them as the others are divvied out.

Alex goes with Donovan, Zee finds a boy named Carlton Jones, Monty grudgingly joins Kevin, who shoves him to the side. Pointedly ignoring Cross’s words, I don’t think to listen for Jimmy’s cellmate’s name, and I don’t recognize the boy he finds in the crowd.

We stand separated by the crowd and wait through the rest of Cross’s address. I don’t pay attention, scuffing my toe against the dusty ground. Paper shoes, a must have fashion item in this prison, already make me want to to cut my feet off. A siren sounds, and my brother smiles.

“Beneath Heaven is Hell. Beneath Hell is Furnace. Enjoy your stay.”

He moves to turn away, and I bring my hands together in a ringing clap. The clamour of the other inmates freezes. The warden’s dogs stop growling. The man himself is frozen in time. I watch him steadily for any sign that he isn’t affected.

After Monty and Jimmy, I certainly wouldn’t be surprised.

When he doesn’t move, I jog out of the crowd.

“Jess, hey—hey, Jess!” Dominic calls from the circle. I haven’t talked to him in a couple months, and I’m not quite ready to break that streak. Instead, I survey the blacksuit numbers.

It takes a while to walk through the prison and check all of the rooms, and in the end I only find fifteen of them. Fifteen guards watching over hundreds of inmates.

This isn’t up to regulation. I mean, I’m happy that they’re dropping shift numbers. I’m overjoyed about it. It just makes me feel like he isn’t taking me seriously.

How rude.

Now, the cameras. I skirt the edges of the yard, work areas, and above to find the small lenses. There are only two new ones. Neither of them close the blind-spots protecting our escape route. He’s still not taking me seriously.

Maybe he agrees that what happens here is secondary to the events after we leave genpop. Maybe he wants the excuse to tear us apart. Maybe he has plans for us when we reach the underbelly of the prison.

It doesn’t matter. I smile anyway, more to boost my confidence than anything, and stride to Cross himself. The boys’ quiet discussion makes me long to join them. I have one more thing to do, though.

“Hang on. What the hell are you doing?” Donovan shouts from behind me as I search through the warden’s pockets.

I keep my eyes resolutely away from his face, though I know he’s frozen where he stands. While my history with him means I can meet his eyes easier than most, I would really rather not.

Eventually, I find what I’m looking for in his jacket’s inside pocket. I press my free hand against the skin of my upper arm and the key rests in my hand when I pull it away. With a click, I convert it into a pen. When I touch it to my brother’s notepad, the words flow smoothly.

Still playing nice? Unexpected, coming from you. Maybe we’ll be able to speak face to face soon. Not too soon, though, I hope.

Perry.

I then replace the notepad and hide my key again. Alright, time to join the others.

It looks like Zee is explaining everything to the new kids. Just as well, now I won’t have to do it.

“Listen up!” I call. The words I mean to say dry up in my throat when my eyes land on Monty. I address him. “Now that you’re here, we need to step up our schedule.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” he demands. The original crew shifts uncomfortably, but I merely blink at his immediate anger.

“Since you’re one of us, we need to get out of general population before they take you away. I wanted to save you this time, anyway, so I set up a warning ahead of time.”

“‘This time?’ ‘Take me away?’ What does that even mean?”

I glance at Zee, and he shrugs. He obviously didn’t mention our previous runs. I’m on my own here.

“Down below, Cross is experimenting on prisoners. Without intervention, he’ll take you and turn you into one of his soldiers.” I nod at a frozen blacksuit in Cross’s procession, if only to avoid Monty’s darkening glare. “Just like the rest.”

“So I was right,” he accuses, and I look back at him to find the same accusation I point at myself. I force myself not to look away. “You don’t actually care about us, do you?”

I stare blankly at him, trying to find the energy to respond to that. He doesn’t back down, but then, I didn’t exactly expect him to. I still don’t know if he’s one of us, or if his words come from myself. After a minute or so of silence, I avert my eyes and let out a breath.

“Listen, Monty. I’ve watched you get turned into a blacksuit more times than I can count. I decided that I can’t stand to see it again. You may be right, maybe I am a monster, but I would rather die than see another one of my friends be torn apart and sewn back together in this place.”

He doesn’t respond, so I turn to the others. Only Connor will meet my eyes. The others’ faces are twisted in semblances of grief. I set myself and begin again. I don’t want to think about this.

“I’ve shifted a few things in the prison’s schedule in the short time I had on the surface. When Gary gets here, we’ll have a week to prepare. We need him to get out of here.” I pause and consider what else I need to tell them upfront. “After we blow out, we probably won’t be able to talk in secret like this.”

“How'd it go last time? You know, if it’s so different now?”

I consider Jimmy and his question, trying to decide how much to tell him. The silence doesn’t last long enough to become awkward before I break it.

“I couldn’t save Monty. He was turned into a monster down below. I’d wormed myself into the Skulls in time to keep the gang from getting taken over by Gary.” My fingers remember the tacky blood, and I clench my fist to chase the feeling away as I speak. “We lost Kevin and I took control of the gang to keep things on track.”

“Hey.” Connor’s voice brings me back and I shake my head slightly. I turn to see him eying me with concern. I flash him a grimace before looking back at the now queasy-looking Jimmy.

“Gary picked a fight with me soon after and he was sent down to the infirmary early,” I continue briskly. “We almost didn’t get out of the prison because of that. It’s too dangerous to risk it again.”

“And that’s the only reason you wanted to save me?”

I turn my eyes back on Monty, not wanting to answer. He seems to take my silence to mean the worst, but I’m honestly just too exhausted to get into this with him.

“We already have some gas stored away,” Dominic blurts.

I give him a nod, grateful for the subject change, and return his smile. He doesn’t expand on his outburst, so I look to the others for confirmation.

Connor rolls his eyes and steps forward. “Not that much. It’ll probably shave off a couple days of gathering, though.”

I grin and finally relax. I can’t help myself, rounding the group to catch the old crowd in hugs. Kevin grumbles, Donovan laughs, Dominic smiles sheepishly, and Alex and Zee both hug me just as tightly. I save Connor for last, holding him longer and tighter than the others. When I pull back, I breathe a sigh of relief at how good he looks.

Healthy. Unhurt. Alive.

I wonder, again, how long he’s been here.

“God, I missed all of you so much,” I say, my hand still lingering on Connor’s arm. “Have you counted how many you have? Carried them to the crack?” I list out more questions that I don’t really expect answers to as Donovan leads the way to the chipping rooms.

Connor leans closer to whisper to me as we enter the wide room. I stop, and he pauses beside me, almost looking like he might turn into one of the two open rooms. “A lot longer than you, if you really want to know.”

“How long?” I press, my lips barely moving.

He doesn’t answer, striding ahead of me with an infuriating smile. He takes an offered helmet from Zee, turns its light on, and ducks into Room Two, the only entryway boarded up out of the three. I huff and cross the room to take a helmet of my own from the floor and join the others in the darkness of the blocked room.

Peering into the pitch black, it hits me again that we’re underground. There’s a mile or more of rock above my head, and I screw my eyes shut to try and push the thought away again. I’m fine.

I’m fine.

I’m always fine.

A hand closes around mine, and I open my eyes. Connor, his eyes shining in the light filtering in from the main chipping room, watches me steadily. I grip his hand tight, and he squeezes mine in return.

“Hey. You’ll start time again if you aren’t careful,” he says. The words sound like an admonishment, but his voice is gentle. I ground myself on those words and nod. He pats the top of my helmet, grinning.

He doesn’t let go of my hand, and I’m grateful.

I inspect the floor beneath the slats of the boards designating Room Two as off-limits. There aren’t any gloves here, so I shake off the last of my worry and continue into the room.

Lights dance further ahead, the others rushing on. We walk in relative silence, trying to ignore the eery echoing of voices up ahead. We pick our way over and around fallen rocks, evidence of the cave-in. I stop, once or twice, to take a breath and remind myself that this is fine.

Even if it would be all kinds of embarrassing to die in a cave-in when I’m planning on picking a fight with the closest thing to the devil I can imagine.

The gentle sound of the distant river quickly picks up, and I remember how Alex thought it was one of Cross’s dogs when he first discovered this place. It’s certainly loud enough, and the river is so much more dangerous than the dogs.

At least with the dogs, running sometimes works.

“You’re fifteen here, yeah?”

I look up to Connor. The beam of my light misses him, and his face stays in eerie darkness under his helmet. His eyes glint in the ambient light, bringing the silver eyes of Cross’s suits and rats to mind.

At the thought, his light jerks away and points straight ahead once more. I follow suit, keeping my eyes on the path ahead of us.

“Yeah. Sixteen next month,” I answer solemnly.

“Right, right,” he mutters, distracted. “Then it would be three years. A little more than that, maybe.”

I stop. Looking back up at Connor, my light hits his chest and lights up his face. He doesn’t seem bothered, but that’s so long.

Three years?

In the low light, I can’t tell if his expression is a smile or a grimace. He tugs on my hand and I trail behind him, shaking my head. If he really doesn’t mind, I shouldn’t worry about it.

We don’t talk for the rest of the journey, though it isn’t very far. We come to the gathering of our small group, the roar of the river beyond the rock wall overpowering almost everything else. The chill in the air soothes my frayed nerves, and I let go of Connor’s hand to join the others.

Donovan makes a wisecrack about the two of us taking so long, and I knock into his shoulder as I pass. Most of us laugh, but I catch Monty and Jimmy conversing near the edge of the group. I’ll leave them alone for now.

Instead, I focus on the long crack in the floor, maybe six inches wide, cutting through a few yards of the red rock. I trail my gaze along the break in the otherwise solid rock until my light falls on the collection of gloves poking out of the crack near the wall.

I immediately turn around and focus a feigned glare on Connor.  .

“What?” He shrugs, not even trying to hide his snicker, and the sound broadens my grin.

“Only a few? Ass.” I can’t hold back my own gale of laughter when I run forward to count the yellow gloves.

We have a headstart of 30 gloves. We need about 150 if we want to break through the rock without death chasing us. Timing won’t be a problem at all now.

As we all leave the closed chipping room, I warn Kevin about my plans for the day.

He seems dubious, at best, but I’m not sure if that’s because of the plan or him thinking I’m wrong on principle. He doesn’t argue much though, which I take as an agreement.

I duck out of Room Two, last again, and make my way back to the yellow ring. I check to make sure that everyone’s back where they belong. Still, to be sure, I call out a warning before lifting my hands.

With a sharp clap, I return the flow of time to normal. I watch the warden, my gaze steady. He’s been dealing with the Cube long enough that he should be able to—

He pauses before leaving, straightening his jacket and scowling. I flash him a grin before turning away.

He knows, for better or for worse.

I meet with Alex, Jimmy, Monty, and Zee in front of my cell.

“So, normal life. We can hide the gloves in my empty bunk. Make sure you keep your heads down, the last thing we need is for the the other inmates to get wind of what’s going on.”

“Rubber gloves full of gas; do you really think I’m stupid enough to think that’ll work?” Monty scoffs.

This is getting more than a little exhausting. I’m almost 90% sure he’s not sentient, that he’s just me hitting myself over the head with a branch. I deserve it, probably.

“Think what you want. We all have more important shit to do than convince you that we’re right.”

~-S-~

I lounge in my cell, waiting for lunch. Sometimes, someone will notice me watching and make towards my cell. They always find themselves distracted by something or other, though. It takes several rounds of this for me to make the connection.

Skulls. Every time, a Skull distracts, deflects, or picks fights with anyone getting too close. Kevin must be behind that, the piece of garbage.

When the first few inmates begin drifting toward the mess hall, I stand and head that way as well. I might as well try to get some food for myself before I start a fight. Somehow, I make it there without any distractions.

How convenient.

Maybe I should check my settings, kick the difficulty up a notch. I allow myself a laugh at that, attracting a couple glances. I don’t know how I would even go about a change like that, but I can still hope.

The trough room itself is about the size of a high school gymnasium, rows of rusting tables fit with matching benches. I skirt around the edges, eyes on the counter surrounded by inmates clamouring for food, trying to ignore the open glares from those already seated.

They have every right to hate me, of course. I worked for Furnace, and most of these kids already know that. The ones that don’t will be filled in by the end of the day, I’m sure.

Approaching the counter, I lift a metal tray and follow the example of those ahead of me, holding it out in expectation of slop. It doesn’t look good, not in any sense, but it’s still food.

None comes, and I narrow my eyes at the boy behind the counter.

“We’re out,” he says in a deadpan as the kid next to him drops a spoonful of the gunk on another’s tray.

I tighten my grip on the tray, struggling to push the irritation down. I can’t start a fight, not yet. I force a smile and pull the tray back out of his reach.

“Of course,” I murmur. His answering grin is gloating. I drop the tray, watching his smile slip with the clatter of the metal on the counter. I turn and push back through the crowd to lean against the wall near the door.

I guess I’ll just wait.

Moments later, Kevin and a few Skulls, including Connor, filter into the trough room. Connor pauses when he sees me, but only barely. He recovers quickly and stays with the group.

They obviously have no trouble getting their food, as big, bad gang members. I scowl, watching them take a seat not far away.

I stare at them, frowning. Connor meets my gaze and leans over to whisper to Kevin. He doesn’t show any sign that he sees me and leisurely finishes his slop. I bite my tongue to quell my impatience.

Kevin drops his spoon.

I step forward. I watch with mild interest as a few of the gang members tense up, as if to stop me. None of them do it, though. In fact, they move aside as I approach. I stop across the table from Kevin.

“What d‘you want, Furnace?” he drawls.

“I have a proposal for you,” I say, all trace of my anxiety from the real world gone. “A game.”

“This ain’t the place for games, sweetheart,” Kevin answers.

Prick.

“A wager, then?” I concede. “Would you be interested in that? You certainly look the type.”

“Maybe we could work something out. Whatchu got in mind?”

“Well...” I tilt my head with a sly smile. “How about a fight?”

The Skulls laugh, but Kevin’s icy glare shuts them up fast. His apparent boredom only shifts marginally when he looks back to me.

“Who’s gonna fight?”

“Me,” I reach forward to tap his nose. “and you.”

He catches my hand when I’m pulling it back and refuses to let go. He gives me an intimidating glare, and I return his gaze with feigned innocence. He lets go and leans back.

“Whatchu want if you win?”

I drop the smile. “I want you to let my friends and I into your little gang here.”

His eyebrows shoot up, and he chuckles. “And if I win?”

I slide onto the table’s bench, finally letting go of the innocent air I’d been trying to maintain.

“I can do anything that you want, sweetheart, anything at all.” He sucks in a breath. I laugh and hold a hand out. “Deal?”

He eyes me for only a moment longer, then catches my hand in his.

“Deal.”

[sapphic-sex-ed]

Hi! This doesn’t have anything to do with sapphic stuff, but I don’t have anyone else to ask so yeah. In math the other day I said something about there only being one guy in our area of the classroom and it was a total accident, but my friend who is a transboy was sitting next to me and was like “uh what about me?” and I reassured him that it was a mistake that had nothing to do with him being trans, but I’m really worried that he might be upset about it and I don’t really know what to do?

When you misgender someone, the procedure is simpler than it seems. You apologize, correct yourself, make a mental note to be more careful with that person’s gender, and move on. It should not be a big deal. Making a scene of it tends to come off as bringing the focus to you which is rude, and embarrassing for the misgendered person. If you feel the need to make it up to your friend, ask him in private if you can do anything to help.

Yes he is probably somewhat upset. Misgendering hurts, especially coming from a friend. Trust me, we get that it takes a bit to get used to new pronouns and names, and we know that people will accidentally mess up. You’re his friend so he’ll know you didn’t mean to misgender him, but it still hurts.

One more point. English has specific connotations with regard to adjectives and compound words. When you combine “trans” with “boy/girl/man/woman/person” into one word like “transboy” (or use a hyphen there), you imply that he is like a boy, but separate from boys. It is properly written as “trans boy”, because trans is an adjective like tall, short, handsome, etcetera. Think how underpants are not really a kind of pants (in the US, anyway).

-*Mod Star*

[thotclaws]

Guess who has a rant to do?! And I AM PISSED

That’s right. We have an SJW on our hands!

Warning: DON’T TAKE THIS RANT SERIOUSLY! This is just a vent. So really. Don’t attack this person in anyway please, thank you. SJW’s are just easy target’s, let’s just say. Alright LET��S DO DIS SHIT!

I have a rant on a little group and a person who ignores all logic and facts on our hands and it is glorious! May I introduce.

@smolsweaterboy @dateagenderfluid 

Remember that post that I made? Yeah. Apparently I got kicked out because I had a disagreement saying that nobody will respect your opinion and it is true. I don’t mind it when someone disagrees with me, but when it’s such a big deal that you have to make a rant on is a huge step into a world I like to call; fantasy and these SJW’s like to bask in it and ignore all logic science and facts. 

So here’s the first little screenshot I had when I posted the opinion that I that rustled the jimmies of this SJW and this has got to be a new level of stupid. Oh wait, all SJW’s are stupid. I forgot yeah. They’re not gonna have any facts to back up a response to me and continue to cry like a baby because reality. Face up, reality isn’t a nice person, I know that from experience. There’s a lot of shit that goes down in the world but I continue to ramble in the internet because I have nothing else good to do. SOOOooooo this is the screenshot.

So I still love Blaire White. I just lover her to death. She’s one of my favorite transgender YouTubers who isn’t a feminist. I hate feminism because they ignore all logic and just go with what’s not normal and “try” to make it normal. For me, the most shocking thing about her is that she finally made a pedophile named Onision go on a rampage because she exposed him and his bullshit and I LUVED IT! The livestream that went down weeks ago about how much of a terrible person he is, and I have to agree. He is an asshole. Moving on. The reason you were so triggered by was because she doesn’t support trans people transitioning their kids to be different. That is terrible. That is child abuse. I hate that so much! Nobody should be forced to be trans! NOBODY! Being trans is a choice that goes the same with being gay. The reason why I love Milo Yiannopoulos is because he shoots down any form of illogical responses, and is not afraid to open his mouth. Which of course he should never shut because he’s my favorite faggot.

As and added note I DON’T SUPPORT BOTH SIDES. LEFT AND RIGHT SHOULD STFU! Reason being is because I HATE authority figures. I hate their facades and I hate Hilary Clinton. She is the devil in disguise and everyone knows it. I hate the Bushes, I hate the BLM movement because it does more damage than good, I hate half of the LGBTQ+ community for being asshats themselves, and I absolutely HATE Religious fanatics. 

These are just a few examples of the shit I have to put up with.

So really? She’s transphobic is obviously observed. That goes the same for me as well. I highly support anyone who’s transitioning, but yes. There are those that do it for attention and for a good few victim blaming, and those are the one’s I despise because it’s not taking the idea’s of the LGBTQ+ community seriously. That and it makes the one’s that did work hard to transition seem useless and ignored and to those transtrenders who think that being trans will give you pity points? Welp you got a whole new breath of light coming to ya..........stop.....

Seriously. Stop playing the victim and take responsibilities for your actions. That goes the same for you smolsweaterboy. I’m not gonna apologize for what I’ve said. You ignored the facts, and have ignored all sense of reality, but of course you won’t. You’ll call me every single insult in the book so. I really hope that all the names we’re worth your time to stop me cuz really. No one will stop me. No one. No SJW is gonna get to me.

I’m NOT TRYING TO MAKE YOU THE BAD GUY. Where did I say that? Oh right, no where retard NONE! NO WHERE DID I SAY THAT I MISGENDER PEOPLE. I will ask people if they have preferred pronouns. I don’t DON’T want someone to force me to respect you. That’s rude and inconsiderate. I’m not testing you. You ignore reality and ignore the drawbacks of being transgender. I said that there are people that are gonna disagree with you, and you acted like a baby and pretend that I attacked you. How bout this?! Go to a Muslim page and read what it say’s on what their beliefs are. That goes the same for Christianity. Look that up in the bible, it states that no one should be transgender because it’s an abomination. THAT’S NOT AN OPINION. That’s just FACT! I said for you to not stoop down to their level and YOU FUCKING DID YOU CUNT! You played the victim and I know that it’s bullshit. SO please look yourself in the mirror and think about what you just typed.

THERE ARE 2 GENDERS! BIOLOGY IS NOT A SOCIAL CONSTRUCT! It is science. YOUR IDENTITY IS WHAT YOU CHOOSE AND NO ONE ELSE!

Oh yeah about that genderfluid thing. Yeah, I gained that shit in late Middle school and high school. I was bullied because I was different. Because I was a weakling and I didn’t know shit. I had NO ONE to turn to during this time. I felt alone and pathetic. That I was a waste of space, BUT FUCK THAT! I have no fucks to give to anyone that likes to make up wild accusations. I used to be a pathetic weakling like you. Then I discovered that there are people out there that share their different opinions and fandoms to me. I can speak to them without worry and I love it! I feel like my name means something. I stared researching different topics, I started loving different cultures. I started to become smart. I felt great when I had facts to back my argument up. I felt like I could take on the world. 

But I’m not gonna go over to someone and respect me because I’m genderfluid NO. I want people to respect me for who I am. A person. Remember when I said that you ignore facts and science. Yeeeeaaaaah. Guess I’m right on something? My genderfluity isn’t for attention. It is who I am inside. I never do anything for attention. I’m just simply frustrated with SJW’s.

BTY! YOU ARE A SPECIAL LITTLE SNOWFLAKE DIPSHIT!

And finally. You have questions. SO I’ll answer them for you.

1. Are you a racist?

Nope. I love everyone equally, but BLM is bullshit. Ask some black man. He’ll open your eyes for ya.

2. Are you misogynistic?

Far from it.

3. Thoughts on Anita Sarkeesian

Attention whore.

4. Gamer?

Yep. Love vidergerms. I used to play them a lot with my brother and cousins. I still play them to this day. 

5. Fandom?

Star wars, Mortal Kombat, Marvel, and Anime/Manga. I have many more but I’m really getting into Star vs the forces of evil. 

6. Are you transphobic?

Read the paragraph up above.

7. Like Biology?

Love it. It helps me understand the human body.

8. History?

Love history.

9. Philosophy?

Thrawn

10. Art?

I’m an art fanatic...I’m probably Thrawn. 

11. Attention whore?

Don’t need attention. Just someone to listen to my bullshit is all. 

12. Special snowflake?

RESPECT MA PRENERNS! I’m TRIGGERED!!!!!

13. Why Blaire White?

She took down a pedophile and exposed so much bullshit SJW’s and feminists do. I recommend you watch more of her videos, or do research.

14. Are you really gender fluid?

If it’s on the non binary spectrum, then I can identify as such.

15. Thoughts on Trump?

Dislike him. I don’t like politicians. 

16. Clinton?

EVIL! EVIL BITCH!

17. But...my feelings?

Fuck the feelings, and open a boooook!

18. Are you a white supremacist?

I said I disliked Trump...that’s enough to make you think cuz you don’t really have brain cells to think clearly.

19. Alt-right?

Pussies.

20. Left?

Pussies.

21. Apologize for being white!

Nope. Never have and never will.

22. Memes?

Blaze it BOI!

23. iDubbbz

24. Wage gap?

Myth

25. Feminism?

Cancer

26. Horror Movies?

Love them, but some are stupid.

27. Ghostbusters?

The remake was shit. I didn’t ask for a remake. No one did. 

28. Why you hate Ghostbusters?

It gave SJW’s a chance to shit all over it.

29. Are you fatphobic?

Fat people need to loose weight! So really fuck fatphobia!

30. Cultural appropriation?

Here’s your answer ---->http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Thrawn

31. You love Thrawn so what? He’s just a man!

No. Because he’s a badass and a unique villain.

32. War?

I’m studying it and reading up on the art of war...

33. Homophobic?

I ship gay people and have a lot of gay headcanons...Half of my friends are either gay or bi. 

34. But we live in a cisnormative world?!

We don’t. Your allowed to be gay in America. So why complain. Besides I have LGBTQ+ headcanons for characters. I see Thrawn as asexual and you don’t see people complaining...

35. You don’t give a shit about me?

No fucks have been given with this rant.

36. I hate you.

Thanks.

OK Soooo there you go I answered the questions for ya @smolsweaterboy hope this rant really made you open your eyes and made sure to be as harsh as possible. Cuz really. You need a wake up call. I NEEDED to be harsh cuz you’ll just sugarcoat anything that’ll make someone upset. I’m not some privileged asshole no. I’m broke and I need a job. Also thank your followers for blocking me because I have brains. 

Next I ask to everyone who read this rant. 

DON’T GO AND ATTACK THIS PERSON. DO NOT LEAVE THEM HATE OR DEATH THREATS PLEASE!

Just leave them alone. I don’t want War. I don’t want to have to do a response to this. I just wanna live my life. 

I guess...bye. I’m just really aggravated by SJW’s, I really am. Their moronic nature really made me think that this would would be better if they started looking through reality and not be a bitch about it. I have an ironic respect for these people. They’ll do anything to support their stupidity. That’s really an accomplishment in of itself.

And now I leave you a gift @smolsweaterboy 

Thank you for reading my pretties!

[thechildoflightning]

Tectonic Plates- Ch3

Title: Tectonic Plates [Masterpost]

Fandom: Sanders Sides

Pairings: None

~~~

Chapter Title: Transform

Summary: 

Everything over the past few weeks comes together

Warnings: Memory Loss, Borderline Passive Suicidal Thoughts, Tics, Chronic Pain, Gender Dysphoria, Deadnaming, Fatphobia, Ableism

<strong> TW: Memory Loss, Borderline Passive Suicidal Thoughts, Tics, Chronic Pain, Gender Dysphoria, Deadnaming, Fatphobia, Ableism </strong>

I don’t currently have the spoons for in depth tws at the end of the chapter rn, so message me if you have any questions about tws

[ao3 link]

~~~

Chapter Three: Transform

Patton wakes to searing pain that courses through his entire body, pain strong enough that it makes his breathing hitch and stomach curl with nausea. He squeezes his eyes tight as if that would do anything to help. Maybe this is all a bad dream he’ll wake up from. He’s not hopeful. He doesn’t dare risk moving, the fire in his body so unbearable that Patton doesn’t risk doing anything. He takes small shallow breaths and wishes for it to be over.

He fades in and out of consciousness. He’s not sure if thats due to pain or exhaustion. He remembers glancing over at his clock at one point and finding it significantly early, though Patton can’t remember what time it read. He doesn’t know if he forgot from pain, or if it’s just his memory failing him once more.

He wants to cry, but he doesn’t risk it because heavy loud crying will make his body shake and that will just make everything worse.

He briefly wishes he had no bones, just a puddle of human goop that doesn’t ache, before realizing that would only help so much. A lot of the pain is in his joints, but it’s also in his nerves and getting rid of bones wouldn’t help that any.

So maybe he gets rid of his bones and nerves.

He wouldn’t feel anything that way.

He could go back to sleep forever without pain.

He almost wishes for it.

Almost.

He’s not quite sure what stops him.

He floats in a haze, not quite awake, not quite asleep. Tiredness seeps into his body, dragging him to sleep, and the pain fights it, demanding Patton’s awake to feel the torture it performs on him.

His alarm goes off at some point, and he barely pays any notice to it. He’s in too much pain to think of anything but the pain, and thinking of the pain makes it worse. It’s a vicious terrible cycle, so terrible, that Patton doesn’t even notice that his door has been pushed open until his ma is settling at his side.

“Hi honey,” she whispers soothingly.

“Hi,” he croaks out, the single word taking more energy than expected.

His ma looks at him and she radiates love so strongly that Patton just wants to curl up in her arms and break down crying. But both of those actions will cause him to hurt more, so he settles for lying on his bed, head facing his mother, pushing back tears.

“I… I don’t think I can go to school today,” he says.

“That’s okay,” his ma dismisses immediately and Patton breathes a small sigh of relief. He never thinks that his parents would make him go- knows they understand, knows they wouldn’t push it. But well- he gets worried sometimes. He misses a lot of school, he takes a lot of energy to care. He knows his moms love him but he can’t help worry about his place in their lives occasionally.

“Do you need anything?”

“Heat,” Patton replies immediately, “And meds too please. And… and can I get some water? Is that okay?”

“Of course hon,” she soothes, “You are going to have to eat something with the pain meds though.”

Patton knows that. He knows that he doesn’t want to because eating takes so much effort and his stomach is already swirling in displeasure.

“Okay,” he says.

“Can you rate the pain? And tell me where it hurts?”

“9,” he says, “and everywhere. It hurts everywhere.”

“Okay. If you can’t, that’s okay, but can you try to be a bit more specific?”

My legs, hips, back, neck, shoulders,” he says, “Back especially. All along it.”

“Do we need to go to the ER?” is her next question.

Patton’s in enough pain that he considers it for a minute. It’s always a challenge debating on what he does and doesn’t need, when the pain is enough to warrant medicine, hospital admittance, and anything else.

“No. Not yet,” he settles on, but keeps it as an option. His meds don’t take away the pain entirely, but they do work decently well. Hopefully with the assistance his body will stop torturing him.

“Okay. Do you want me to stay? I can ask your Mom to get everything.”

“Can you?” he asks hopefully, not wanting to let her go.

“Of course,” she says, pulling out her phone to call his Mom and explain what’s going. She finishes quickly and turns her attention back to Patton.

“Can I hold your hand?” she asks.

“Yes. DOn’t touch my shoulder.”

She nods easily and carefully takes his hand in hers, smoothing over the back of his palm with her thumb. He gets heat, meds, water, and chokes down a little bit of food. It’s a slow, painful process. But the heat and meds help enough that Patton slowly drifts off once more.

-

He wakes to an empty room. He takes observance of his body, feeling out where it does and doesn’t hurt. It’s still flaring brightly with pain, so hot it burns. But it has subsided somewhat from a torturous pain to a heavy, burning violence. 

His back aches and he reaches for his phone at his bedside table, shooting off a quick text to his moms.

A moment later his door opens, and Blythe is slipping into his room, TENS unit in hand.

“Ma is picking Liam and- tehch- Dani up from school, Mom’s at work,” she explains their absence as she approaches Patton’s bed, “Do you know- hu- the intensity, frequency, and- hu hu HU- and the duration and all that? Because I don’t but I’m sure Moms have it. I can ask them.”

“It’s in my notebook,” Patton says, “but it can also really vary.”

“Okay,” Blythe agrees, walking over to his desk to grab the blue notebook and flipping to the pages about pain treatment- specifically for the electrical nerve stimulation the TENS unit will provide.

“Let’s just start with what it says in there and then I can adjust it,” Patton tells her.

“ACK- sounds good,” she agrees, finding the page. She picks up the notebook, before immediately throwing it with a tic.

“Yeet,” Patton mutters as she picks it up, rolling her eyes at Patton’s commentary.

She comes back over to Patton’s bed.

“Okay,” she says finally, “You’re going to have to turn- tehch- over.”

“I know,” Patton says miserably, not moving.

He breathes a few times.

“Help me?” he requests.

Blythe nods and sets down the notebook and TENS unit.

“What do you want me to do?” she says.

“Help shift my hips when I turn,” he instructs.

Blythe nods and begins the painful process of flipping to his stomach. He wants to go fast to get this over with, but he also wants to move slowly and carefully. It’s a balancing act- and Patton’s balance is notoriously awful.

They get there eventually, Patton gritting through the pain.

Blythe helps with attaching the electrodes to his back and then the TENS is switched on, providing welcome relief.

“Hey, wanna watch a show with me?” Blythe asks, once Patton’s settled for a minute.

“Sure,” Patto agrees, welcoming an easy distraction.

“Okay, I’ll go- ACK hu-  grab my computer,” she tells him, “Don’t move.”

Patton snorts, “Wouldn’t dream of it.”

She gives him a look and races out of his room.

-

The next day is better, but that isn’t saying too much. It’s a glass half full, half empty sort of situation. Patton can get out of bed, can even get to school, but his body still thrums in pain. But he gets through, and it’s not too bad even though it hurts and Patton- well he doesn’t quite count it as a win but it’s certainly not a loss. 

He isn’t binding because there’s no way he’d put his binder on right now with his current back issues, but it does mean he gets misgendered more which sucks. The dysphoria creeps back in and more people deadname him and Patton wants to transition so bad, but right now he’s just stuck.

He’s ready to go home.

Luckily enough, his last class of the day rolls around.

Unluckily enough, the teacher announces they will continue working on their group project.

Shit, Patton forgot about that.

His group shuffles together, and Patton sighs in grits his teeth as he joins them. Part of it is from pain, part is from annoyance with the project in general.

“Okay,” one of the girls said, “Can everyone get their stuff out? To see where we all are?”

Patton forgets her name, but does remember she’s been consistently rude to him and unwilling to listen when he’s explained his accommodations.

The group starts pulling out computers and papers. Patton himself only pulls out one measly paper of a short outline. It’s all he has done so far. The girl’s gaze turns angrily towards him when she realizes that all he has, and Patton sinks in his seat. His other two teammates look at him in pity, but don’t jump in to help.

“That’s all you have?” she asks.

“Yes,” Patton mumbles.

“Eileen! This project is due next week.”

“M’ name is Patton.”

“Okay- Patton, whatever. This project is due in a week and you’ve barely started! We’re being graded as a group here. And I need an A in this class. I get that you don’t care about school or are trying to sabotage the group because you don’t like me or- or whatever, but it doesn’t matter. You need to do your work. Stop slacking off and get it together. By the due date.”

It’s been a long day, a long week, a long year.

Patton’s so goddamn tired and his spoons are running low and he doesn’t want to deal with this stupid project or this stupid partner of his who’s name he doesn’t even remember. Patton’s trying okay? He’s been trying so damn hard, so damn hard for everyone. Being disabled isn’t easy, and people act as if it makes it so hard for their lives, but how do they think Patton feels?

He’s the one with the memory that doesn’t work, with the body that acts constantly, with being scorned for being overweight, who’s judged for using a mobility aid, and who everyone thinks is faking. Patton’s the one dealing with this, not them. It’s not fair. It’s not fair.

Tears prick in the corner of his eyes.

He can’t cry. He can’t. There’s no way they’ll take him seriously then and they’ll probably call him a girl and-

“I told you at the beginning,” he says, voice shaky but loud, “That we got three extra weeks.”

“Yeah!” she says, “If we need it. And we’re probably going to need it now because you can’t do one stupid assignment. But taking extra time is failing.”

“I do need it,” Patton snaps, and he’s loud enough that he gains the attention of some of the groups near them. “I’ve always needed it. That’s why it’s given to me. Maybe you don’t, that’s fine. But I do.”

“I don’t get why you can’t just do it?” she argues back, “Are you just fine with failure?”

“Yeah,” Patton says, “Yeah I am fine with failure. I fail all the fucking time. Life is a series of failures when you’re disabled and it sucks. Do you think I want to be in pain? Do you think I like forgetting almost everything? Do you think I enjoy struggling to keep up in a project with some annoying ableist teammate who’s not listening to me? No. I don’t. It sucks. But this time- this time I’m not failing. I’m demanding the time I need, and that’s not failure, that’s success.”

“You shouldn’t need to push for extra time,” she says.

Patton laughs, effectively gaining the rest of the class’s attention as they all tune in on their argument.

“You know what” he says, “You know what, for once you’re right. I shouldn’t have to push for extra time. I should be able to just tell you I need three extra weeks and you should accept that. I shouldn’t have to push for accommodations, that shouldn’t be my responsibility. The world is ableist and it sucks, so it’s either push for accommodations or let myself suffer. It just depends on how much energy I have.”

“Look I get that you’re disabled or whatever,” she snaps, “But it’s pretty hard to work with you when you demand extra time without even telling us why. You should at least share with us about how you’re disabled.”

“Share with you?” Patton asks incredulously, “Share with you? It’s my disability, I can share whatever I damn well please. It’s up to me and only me what I disclose and you-”

Patton forgets the rest of the argument, coming back with a rush as he takes a bite of his chicken, and stares across the table at his family at dinner.

Once he realizes what happened, he springs up from his chair. His hips and back shriek in protesting and he almost falls over. He catches himself on the table, hand clutching the wood, before racing off to his room, tears streaming down his face. He ignores the worried calls from behind him.

He crashes onto his bed and dives under the covers, wrapping them firmly around him even as he continues to sob. Seconds later and his moms enter the room. His ma crouches by his bed and his mom sets his cane against the bed stand table before joining him.

“Darling,” his mom whispers, “What’s wrong?”

Patton shudders through the tears and wonders how to respond.

“We have a group project in school,” he starts.

“Okay,” his ma says, taking his hand to rub soothingly.

“And- and there’s this girl and she won’t listen to me about my accommodations and it sucks because I can’t meet the normal time but I also don’t have the energy to push for my accommodations and it’s- I don’t want to push for extra time I just want her to be okay with it. And she’s been really rude and I yelled at her today and the whole class was paying attention and I don’t even remember what the end result was because I forgot and I-” he sighs, tears slowing, “I just hate it,” he sighs, “Like I’m disabled. For life. Some things might get better, some might get worse. Okay. I can deal with that. I’ve been dealing with it all my life. It can suck at times and be hard, but I mean- I don’t remember when I wasn’t disabled, I was a baby. It’s part of my life. But it’s just-”

Patton breaks out in a fresh wave of tears, pausing for a minute while he sobs.

“It’s just that I have- I have to prove it everywhere I go. I have to push to get my minimum needs met and nobody understands and nobody listens and it sucks and I don’t know if that’s ever going to improve and I hate it. And it- I even worry about you guys. Cause like- I know you love me. I know that, okay? But when I see how everyone else refuses to even meet the bare minimum of my needs and the two of you being the best moms I could have ever asked for, I start to wonder if it’s too much, y’know? Like if I’m too much.”

“Patton-”

“And it’s like, I know that's stupuid. I know that’s the internalized ableism talking, that I do deserve you and I deserve my needs being met. I know that. It’s just hard to remember when there’s so much external ableism pressing down hard on me. Y’know? And that- that sucks. And it’s- it’s been a rough few weeks and I do not have the spoons to deal with this.”

“We love you,” his mom says.

“Yes, we love you very much,” his ma says.

“I know,” Patton says, “I know. I love you too.”

He sniffles and wipes at his nose.

“Can we do anything to support you?” his ma asks.

Patton shrugs, and it pulls at his back painfully. He relaxes his shoulders.

“I don't know,” he admits, “I do feel a bit better now.”

“Sometimes we just need to get it all out,” his ma agrees.

Pat nods.

“I’m tired,” he admits after awhile. “I think I’m gonna go to bed. Worry about the project tomorrow. Thank you. Love you.”

“We love you too,” his moms say together, his mom setting a kiss on his forehead and his ma with a kiss on his hand and Patton feels so intensely, purely, loved.

He turns in his part of the project four weeks later, on the extended date he was given. The girl who’s been on his case scowls at him as he turns it in, and he ignores her. The teacher accepts the project without complaint, only stopping Patton briefly to ask if the time was enough.

“Yes,” Patton says, “Yes it was.”

The girl’s still mad at him. Patton’s going to continue to face endless ableism. It sucks. It’s going to suck. But he has his family, and he has their support and he’s just going to keep stumbling forward because really, what other choice does he have?

And maybe along the way, the world will slowly change into a place Patton no longer has to demand to be accommodated.

~~~

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