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tinamaetales · 6 years ago

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Plot Twists (2018 year end blog post)

Looking back, I never could’ve imagined that I will still be here. Whenever I think about how my 2018 started, I can’t help but be proud of myself – proud because the greatest achievement I’ve got from 2018 is my own survival. I never knew that in some really weird way, I will be able to find my will to live. And now here I am, a living proof that life is still worth fighting for despite all the chaos that surrounds you. While I gotta admit that I am not yet fully healed, I am trying my best to become better. In short, I’m still fighting.

I’ve welcomed 2018 in a gloomy manner. It was during those times wherein my depression is really at its peak and nothing can make me feel better. My family and I went to my mother’s hometown in Matnog, Sorsogon for the holidays and despite the fact that I get to bond with them and welcome the New Year with the people whom I know loves me the most, I was still on my lowest low. The thing about depression is that it is not just sadness, it is a mental disorder. What most people failed to see is that depression isn’t just about being sad – it is a battle inside your head, a battle against yourself and your own demons. Back then, my nights are filled with crying until I fall asleep and my mornings are filled with anxiety and fears. To make it short, I was a mess.

I don’t know where I got the courage to do it but I managed to bring myself to the Hospital that has a Psychiatry Department. I just went there with a very messy mind. I asked the staff at the lobby if there are any available Psychiatrists for that day and they told me that their doctors would only accept patients if they have an appointment but nonetheless I decided to just ask for the room number so I can secure a schedule for the next weekend. But, fate seems to be on my side that day because when I asked the doctor’s secretary, she told me that I can see the Psychiatrist even without securing an appointment – they can accommodate me since they do not have much patient that day, it is just that I’ll be last on the list.

After that, I was under medication. I was given anti depressants and meds for my panic attacks. What I’ve realize is that the battle I am in is actually more tiring than any other physical activities; it was a never ending battle against yourself. And even though you already have the medications and professional help to back you up, your willingness to help yourself plays a significant role too. At the first few weeks, I’m just being obedient because I want to stop thinking – I just want to feel numb because I am tired of everything. I don’t care much about myself – I lost my willingness to live. Little by little, I have come to a realization that I do not care if the important aspects in my life are being affected because of the mess inside my mind; I realized that I am slowly disassociating myself to the people around me, I’ve become incompetent with my job (I used to work at the frontline section and I’ve noticed that I was the weakest when it comes to dealing with our applicants…I always make mistakes) and I lose interest to the things that once matter to me the most. I’ve become a living ghost – not dead but not alive either, just a breathing thing.

Plot twists, whether in the books that I read or in the movies and/or tv series that I watch, always makes my heart race; such events happen at the most unexpected time that’s why it makes one become thrilled – but I never knew that I’ll get to have my own taste of plot twists in 2018 and they are hella worth it. I’ve watched a lot of Korean Drama series (I even post my reflections and reviews of them here) because I love the way they execute the stories. My all time favorite would definitely be Goblin because of its life and death theme and I could still remember all the quotes from that drama but if there’s one from it that can describe what my 2018 has become it would be this: “Every life is touched by a deity at least once. Just when you’re drifting away from the world, if someone nudges you back in the right direction, that’d be when the deity chooses to visit you” It was sometime in February of 2018 when I was inside my room, crying so hard, that I felt overwhelmed by everything. At that moment, I only think of doing just one thing and I was super sure of it – killing myself. At that moment, I just want to end it all – the pain, frustration, anger, resentment, loneliness and worthlessness. I was so sure of that decision already however, something (or might it be someone? IDK) pulls me back to my senses. It was as if I was already in the middle of jumping but at the last second I hold on….like Kang Chul. Right at that moment, my tears ran out but my chest still feels so heavy and after a few minutes I passed out from exhaustion. The next morning, I woke up feeling a bit relieved and I don’t even know why. It has become a habit of mine to check my phone first the moment I wake up so when I did it that morning, I was surprised by the amount of messages I’ve got from my friends. I suddenly remembered how I posted something (a goodbye message) on my facebook account and it made them worry. I felt bad as I read their messages because I made them worry. It was at that moment that I’ve realized that I still got a few good people supporting me. I was also reminded of the phrase “Suicide doesn’t end the pain, it just passes it on to someone else.. Maybe, the fight isn’t over yet. Maybe, my life is still worth living.

Our Division’s Director during those times informed me about the Wellness Program that our Department offers to its employee for free in which I can go to their partner institution and can have a consultation with a Psychologist. I’ve decided to go with her when she paid a visit at their clinic. It was actually a nice session that we’ve had. Our conversation lasted for about two hours (the same with how it goes with my Psychiatrist). He has the same advises as my Psychiatrist though – only different in their approach. My Psychiatrist told me to learn a sport so I can release the emotions I am feeling and he also pointed out that learning sports is a great way in building one’s character, on the other hand, the Psychologist told me to try doing things that I used to love (like museum visits) but with no obligations attached (since I told him that I visit museums and historical places because I need to write something for my blog), I’ll just do it to enjoy the moment. I’ve kept those advises in mind. But there’s one thing in common that they’ve told me and that is to face my fears.

I am scared of people, that’s the truth. I am afraid of associating myself with people especially those who have authoritative aura because of my father. I don’t want to keep on telling the same story here over and over again but just for the clarification: I am traumatized because of the environment I grew up with in which my father would be throwing things and be screaming whenever he is mad and he never know how to listen to others. I am scared of being around people because I have this paranoia that they will hurt me; it will take me a very long time before I can trust someone. But, I just can’t allow my pain to hinder me from reaching my goals in life, right? I have to learn how to overcome such trauma because if I don’t then who will do it for me? My Psychiatrist told me to do the “kontra-phobia” thing in which I have to expose myself to the things that scare me (slowly, of course) in order for me to get used to it until it will no longer have the power to hurt me. And that’s how I ended up being an iKONIC.

I can still clearly remember how I asked a friend of mine from work to give me song recommendations since whenever I got music playing while I’m stuck in traffic, I can manage not to be scared of the people around me and most of the songs she gave me are from iKON. At first, I was really curious as to why she keeps on suggesting that I try watching iKON TV and listen to their songs because I was all like, “who are they anyway?” But then I decided to give it a try because that friend of mine has really good taste in music so I guess iKON’s songs are worth listening to and damn it, I wasn’t wrong. iKON doesn’t have any bad songs! The first song of theirs that I listen to was “Rubber band” and I can’t get it out of my head the entire day. When I went home, I decided to watch some of their videos for me to get to know them. The first ever video of theirs that I watched was their dance practice for Love Scenario and one guy from their group caught my attention instantly – Kim Jinhwan. I ended up having a huge crush on him and was only interested in him. Few days later, I decided to watch iKON TV and it was the best decision ever. That show sealed the deal, it made me an iKONIC. I also decided to watch their survival shows, Who is Next: WIN and Mix & Match. What I realized after watching their shows is that, they are worth it. Those seven guys are the best representation of my wanderlust millennial self. You see, they are the same age range as me, three members are older than me (Jinhwan, Yunhyeong and Bobby), one member is the same age as mine (B.I.) while their maknae line are all younger than me (DK, Junhoe and Chanwoo) that’s why I feel that I can connect and relate with them naturally. And from what I’ve noticed ever since I became an iKONIC is that, I suddenly have the courage to continue living – sounds so cliché, right? But that’s what I felt.

It was those seven guys, collectively known as iKON that became the best plot twist of my 2018. In fact, I can’t even imagine how that year would’ve rolled if I didn’t get to know them. They just inspire me to be resilient and to keep going. The best lesson I’ve learned from them is this: anything is possible as long as you are willing to make it possible. This reminds me of the certain exchange of words between Hanbin (B.I. – iKON’s leader) and YG (CEO of YG Ent) in which the latter told Team B (back then they were just called Team B because they were still trainees) that they can’t fly like their opponents but then Hanbin replied with “We’ll just crawl, sir” and I just have to give him a round of applause for that. I never see that as Hanbin’s way of making things less tense during those times but instead, it was his way of telling everyone that even though you tell them they can’t, they will prove you wrong. That certain phrase of him sort of motivated me for it was a reminder that no matter the circumstances you are facing, as long as you are willing to put the effort in working hard and fighting for your goals in life then you can make it. You can never go wrong with hard work. And that’s the thing I love the most about iKON, they are very hard working, they never slack off. They are consistent in giving their all in everything that they do and I guess that’s the reason why they produce great quality of music (deep lyrics and melody’s on point) because their passion is always burning; they don’t care about the charts because they make music out of passion. The seven of them are different from each other yet complement each other very well. Like the rainbow with seven different colors, iKON is a seven member group in which each member has their own unique charisma, talent and strength that makes them shine.

As I’ve mentioned, iKON was my best plot twist in 2018 simply because they help me pick up my broken pieces and build myself up again. In fact, there are a lot of things that I’ve done in 2018 that I never knew I could accomplish and thanks to those seven dork for giving me the motivation to become courageous. For someone whose panic attacks is being triggered by people who have strong voices, crowded places and basically any interaction with people, I was able to somehow overcome those fears little by little throughout 2018 because I have iKON by my side.

I am scared of people with loud and strong voices as well as any sound that is too loud because it will make me feel unsafe – I will feel like those people will hurt me. Since Bobby’s a rapper, he has this distinct tone of voice that is really strong and at first I get a bit scared when I listen to his parts on their songs – especially in Anthem (it was one of their best songs, btw. It’s lit af) but upon getting to know him more, I’ve seen how good of a person he is (all iKON members are) and so that’s how I started the “kontra-phobia” thing that my Psychiatrist told me. I keep on listening to their “loud” songs and to all of Bobby’s songs (from his solo album and his songs from SMTM3) until I realized that I’ve become calmer now and my panic attacks have lessened. Although there are still times wherein I will feel a bit scared when I’m exposed to a noisy environment or when I have to talk to people with strong voices, at least now my panic attacks aren’t that bad anymore and there are even days wherein I won’t experience any panic attacks at all. Looking back, I can’t help but tear up a little since I never knew that this moment would come – that I’m overcoming my anxiety and fears little by little. Remembering the times wherein I would experience the worst panic attacks (there was even a time wherein my officemates have to rush me to the nearest hospital because of my panic attacks), the tightness of my chest, difficulty in breathing, feelings of suffocation, and entire body’s numbness makes me feel grateful to them for helping me to not experience it anymore. If I could describe my panic attacks in a scenario it would be like this: you’re swimming in a pool but suddenly you started drowning and even though you try your best to swim up, you just keep on going deeper and deeper as if you’re destined to drown. And I hated feeling that way – it makes me feel so weak. Now, as I look back at those moments, I can’t help but be proud of myself for slowly overcoming it and iKON was a big part of that improvement.

It was also iKON who inspired me to not be afraid to face life’s challenges. The struggles that they’ve faced from doing two survival shows just for them to debut shows how much they’ve been through and how far they’ve come – and that journey of theirs is such an inspiration. Looking back at how my 2018 went by, I can say that I’m proud of the small victories I’ve had. I was able to do things that I once thought I can’t. I watched iKON’s concert alone which was obviously a sold out show with 18,000 iKONICS in attendance (but I gained new friends!) and no panic attack happened, I watched a movie alone (I watched Goyo: Ang Batang Heneral and it was a blockbuster! I didn’t get a good seat because the cinema’s really full), applied for a debit card account on a Monday (imagine how crowded the bank was during that day), tried the Sound Healing experience, went to World Trade Center during their Christmas Bazaar (it was really crowded) and went to an amusement park on Christmas Day and tried riding their roller coaster (the mini one coz I really can’t handle those kinds of rides) for the first time and I did enjoy it (obviously, it was filled with lots of people and lines in every ride is really long) and so much more that I couldn’t actually keep count. Slowly, I am getting back to my life’s rhythm. Slowly, I am learning how to live again. Slowly, but surely, I am building myself up again – and I guess that’s the best achievement.

To iKON, I know this might not reach you at all but let me just say this, Maraming maraming salamat! Mahal ko kayo, pinaka. Thank you for saving me.

And to the other relevant people in my life who made my 2018 worthwhile, the ones who never gave up on me, the ones who understands me even during those moments wherein it is really difficult to do so, the ones who loved me despite my flaws, the ones who stayed even though they are better off without a burden like me, the ones who still see the best in me despite showing them my worst, maraming salamat! I won’t make it this far if it weren’t for you guys. Ya’all know who you are :)

2018, it was a plot twist filled year but I wouldn’t have it any other way. Jalgayo! From now on I will only walk on the flower road.

I will keep on fighting!

TinaMae

#personal #depression #mental health matters #ikon #healing #journey

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