#disturbing vent

[ezrazwrldz]

vent. i may have yapped. deleting later.

i genuinely thought i was doing better. but bpd has to come in and take all that away from me. all i’ve got that i’m clinging on to is the fact i’m 3 months self harm free. other than that, i’m an emotional, unstable wreck.

my friends think i’m a fucking psychopath. i’m deranged and i see things that aren’t there. i leave nothing but a path of destruction wherever i walk. i absolutely wreck everything i touch. i hear things that don’t exist, i see my fucking dad in every brown haired older man that walks past. i always panic for a moment, thinking it’s him. i missed out on my childhood because of that fucking dick. i’m 15, but i may as well be 50 with how fast i’ve been forced to mature. that man wrecked me. he fucking ruined my entire life. every traumatic experience has stemmed from what he did, at least a little. the bad people i got connected to and attached to were because i bonded to them through my trauma.

TW. DETAILED TRAUMA VENT RELATING TO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AND PEDOPHILIA AND SUICIDE AND GROOMING AND TRAUMADUMPING AND SELF HARM

my dad was a wife beater and alcoholic. i was as young as 4 when they broke up, but i has still seen everything. i don’t even fucking remember much of my childhood because of dissociation.

i do remember my 7th birthday, though.

we were in the car on the way home from my birthday party, and i was happy as anything. but, my mum and dad were in the same car, and that could never end well in a million years. they got into an argument, and my dad opened the car door and undid his seatbelt on the motorway, threatening to jump out and end his life right there, in front of me and my siblings. i screamed and cried and begged, resorting to screaming about it being the ‘worst birthday ever’ to try and distract them both and hope my dad forgot about the attempt he intended to make. and, i don’t remember anything else. i literally only remember the moment i screamed ‘this is the worst birthday ever’, and both my parents turned to me, my dad still stood there with the car door open and tried to convince me everything was fine. i knew better. i always knew better.

i remember when that man promised he would never leave me, but he forgot my birthday this year. there was a time when we didn’t talk for 4 years - only being forced back into each other’s vicinity when my mum and stepdad got mad that i went to an after school homework club that i wasn’t meant to go to and made me pack my bags, driving me to his house convincing me they were going to make me live with him. that they didn’t want me anymore.

that night was my breaking point, and the first time i went to social services about my mum and stepdad, and they got involved, which ruined my relationship with my parent even more. my stepdad was threatening to move out, and asking if i could be sent to a mental hospital for treatment or a facility for troubled kids on weekends or whatever. i hated being at home. i preferred school but that was hell too. that’s where i met her at 11 years old. i’m gonna refer to her as amy for privacy reasons. amy was a traumadumper. a REAL traumadumper, not just the tiktokified version of what a traumadumper is.

i, being the fucking idiot i am, became very close friends with amy. we bonded over similar trauma, and i’d try to talk to her about my problems as she said i could, but she’d always turn it on herself. she’d send me HORRIFIC self harm photos on snapchat, only to send me a ‘whoops!! trigger warning!!’ after, as if it was all some stupid fucking joke. amy would also make up fake trauma story after fake trauma story, each one more disturbing than the last. but, i was obsessed with her. i loved her so, so much, so i was completely blind to how poorly this girl was treating me. i loved her, and i wanted to save her. to save her from this “horrible life” that she had been through. eventually, she binned me off for trying to prevent someone from killing themself (which also turned out to be a joke as an attempt to bully me but that’s another story)

a few weeks after amy, i met one of my groomers. real sweetheart he was, pretending to be my age to sexually exploit me and using the fact i’m mentally unstable to take advantage of me. he was my world when i thought he was my friend. he meant everything to me. and, in classic bpd fashion, he became my FP. just like amy had previously.

so, when my parents found out and took him away from me, i fought tooth and nail to get him back, completely in denial, no matter what my parents or the literal police told me.

when the police decided to “take action”, they said they couldn’t do anything due to only having his discord and email. the problem? this fucking guy has my address and school. and he’s still out there. i mean, it’s been a long time now, but i still get nightmares and live in fear.

[sunlit-mess]

bad days

[talon-dragonbeast]

today i had a realization that kinda freaked me out at first and now has me feeling incredibly sad. so i live in a pretty cold place, right? the coldest in the region actually. the town is always covered in mist and clouds, and in winter it can get so cold it snows. so, heres what i realized today:

the trees. theyre still green.

i cant explain how disturbing this seems to me. green trees in november. yesterday the maximum temperature was 19 °C, and i dont know how that translates to fahrenheit but let me tell you that its pretty fucking warm for autumn. im not even sure if its going to snow this year. thats bonkers.

as a being from nature, this has me feeling actually nauseous. like i know im not the most connected to nature guy in existence, but even i can tell when something feels off. something has gone terribly wrong here, and i dont know what to do about it. fuck.

[the-dread-quinn]

hold him gently in your hands, he has been cracked enough as it is, and his heart is more shattered than he lets on

[lifeis0k-blog]

Hey, that's a cool personality you have there. Mind if I take bits and pieces from it to make my own because I have no sense of self?

[ooppo]

Research shows bipolar disorder may damage the brain over time.

Medial temporal structures are prone to decreased grey or white matter in those living with bipolar disorder. In turn, this can lead to memory disruption. Bipolar episodes decrease brain size, and possibly intelligence. 

Grey matter in the brains of people with bipolar disorder is destroyed with each manic or depressive episode.

I wanted to test out some stylization stuff alongside vent art. These are the kinds of episodes I personally experience :P luckily I haven't had one since April of last year! So it's been a wonderful year for me :) thanks medz.

[commonzinnia]

i dont know who i am

[j7lkx]

[mellounir]

are you too going mad over the fact that you cannot put smells, sounds and textures into art, or are you normal?

[samsammysamson]

eye strain and disturbing face stuff under the cut

maskingsucks.jpg

[thoughtsofapessimistttt]

Heart on dnd 🤝🏽

[lea-khena]

The spiral

[dreamgirlnightmare]

Moral ocd: no we can’t kill this bug. All life is precious and it’s wrong for me to kill them just because it’s inconvenient for me

Contamination ocd: they are infesting everything. You have to kill them and throw everything out. Disinfect every inch. Don’t eat any food. You don’t know what’ve touched

[the-dread-quinn]

Who are you in the dark? Show me your tears, rage, fear, desires. Bare those teeth and snarl, my darling. We are creatures of the night, you and me, and I'm growing impatient to see you with the lights on.

[sunnys-aesthetic]

imo shoot me dead i guess but some of you are getting a bit too comfortable posting some back end cannibalism stuff for cotl art i was previously 'ok yeah cool!' bc i understood the dark themes of the game! and how it had a ritual for it. but uh oh.

[5051704xoxo]

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