#disfunctional polyamory

[complete-clownery]

Would anyone like to see fanart where I ship my self-interest character with the monkey(s)??

No???

Too bad!

[polyamorousmood]

Hi! I've viewed your blog for quite some time now and I've gotten the urge to send this ask a few times now but I've always gotten nervous about it. Like I accidentally forget to put on anonymous mode or something. But I've finally worked up the courage to ask for your advice on this.

So I um...I pretty recently discovered I'm polyamorous. It felt weird and first but now it just...feels right to me. It's great, and I'm glad I discovered more about myself. But I've also been having issues due to...crushes.

I may have...gotten a crush on a couple.

(This is an online thing, for the record)

I had just been trying to get over my previous crush due to some stuff happening (Nothing bad mind, we're still good friends) when I briefly talked to this person. I had seen them around quite a bit and they seemed nice so I'd always liked them in a way, just not like this. Then suddenly after that talk I...kept thinking about them. More and more I kept thinking about how cool they were and how funny they were and how cute they must- Ah crap.

Yeah, I realized pretty quickly I got a crush on them. So, knowing they're a fairly well known artist in the fandom I met them in, I rushed to Twitter to check out their account to see if they already have a partner. Low and behold, they do! So everything should be good and I can move on...right?

...

I developed a crush on their partner too after doing more digging.

So now I'm kind of just...scared because I've never had a crush on a couple before. I'm not really sure what to do. I've done the usual stuff I do with my initial crush. Just saying hello and having some chats with them to become their friend and it's been really fun! But I just...I don't know how I'd get to talking with their partner or hinting at my feelings. I don't wanna feel like a creep or weirdo or anything.

This is all very new to me and I'm a little scared. I'm trying to brave my way through this and I'm gonna try and confess at some point. But I just...don't really know how at the moment. Not like I intend to confess any time soon, we're still relatively new to each other.

Do you have any advice?

Heyyy, congrats and welcome to the team!!!! 😊😊

Its a lot of fun here, and I'm happy to have you aboard.

I've answered a similar ask before, but I can't find it now (thanks tumblr search disfunction!) so you probably don't have a prayer.

Basically, step one is to mention your own polyamory, and see how they react (once you get to a point that's a normal thing to do, since you said its still early). If they seem uncomfortable, take that as your no. If they seem polite, proceed with caution, and if they get suspiciously into it, well... I'd take that as a good sign

Fingers crossed for you!! 🤞🤞

[paintandclouds]

So one of my wifes' birthdays is in July, and in the couple of weeks leading up to it we all talked multiple times about what we wanted to do for her birthday. I was 100% aware that her birthday was coming up. Then like 3 days before the birthday, our other wife got a package, and we asked what it was, and she didn't tell us because it was a birthday present. And all the sudden it clicked and I was like oh shit. Out of all the times we talked about the birthday coming up, it never occurred to me that I should find a birthday present. I just totally forgot birthday presents were a thing. So yeah, I guess you could say this happens to me sometimes too.

I saw this tweet about how things don't always "occur" to adhd people and I thought I could relate to it as well, although I'm autistic and not adhd.

For example - if I have a headache, it simply won't occur to me to take pain meds. I know I have a headache. I want the pain to stop. I am aware of the existence of pain meds. But the idea never occurs to me to take them until someone else suggests it.

The example they gave in the tweet was that if someone says hello to them, it may not occur to them to say hello back and yep... I do that as well.

I just never realized that other people may not do these things.

[ao3feed--reylo]

Can't Get Enough

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/HE9frUb

by AteLala

A wrong number text sparks love & hornt between Ben, a nerdy podcaster & Rey, a sweet librarian who thinks she's talking to Kylo, Ben's brother, and the hot party boy of her dreams.

//

Or: How two hot dumb boys fall for the same girl, end up cumming in a library book together, and realize that they don't hate each other because taking care of their sweetheart brings them together.

Or: How Rey can finally get enough. Lol.

Words: 250, Chapters: 1/9, Language: English

Fandoms: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy

Rating: Explicit

Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Categories: F/M, Multi

Characters: Phasma (Star Wars), Armitage Hux, Rose Tico, Kaydel Ko Connix, Leia Organa, Boba Fett, Maz Kanata

Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren

Additional Tags: breylo - Freeform, MFM Sex, Threesome, Polyamory, Catfishing, Deception, Twins, Multiple Partners, Alternative Universe - Modern Setting, Smut, Shameless Smut, Explicit Sexual Content, Porn, Sexting, Safe Sane and Consensual, Dirty Talk, Size Kink, Oral Sex, Cunnilingus, Come Marking, Vaginal Sex, Penis In Vagina Sex, Eiffel Tower, Double Penetration, reference to car accident, Scarred!Ben, grumpy!Ben, Himbo!Kylo, Librarian!Rey, Spitroasting, Disfunctional Solo Family, Textfic, Underage Drinking

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/HE9frUb

[parrhesiablog]

Polyamory and Blank Slatism

The Kiss by Francesco Hayez [cropped] (source)

I. Happiness in Polyamory and Monogamy

In discussions of polyamory, participants frequently suffer from typical mind fallacy, the tendency to believe that other people have a psychological profile similar to one’s own. Some monogamists likely believe that polyamorists have feelings of romantic jealousy as they do and are miserable. Some polyamorists believe that monogamists are suffering from restrictive socially constructed norms regarding what a relationship is supposed to be like and they have overcome the social influence by using reason. While some polyamorists would acknowledge that being poly may not be for everyone. A balanced approach would probably be to say that:

Some monogamists would be happier as polyamorous but social stigma is playing a non-trivial role in preventing them from becoming polyamorous or they are deluding themselves about the harms of being polyamorous.

Some monogamists would not be happier as polyamorous and social stigma is not playing a significant role in their decision.

Some polyamorous people would be happier as monogamous but they do not become monogamous because of pressure from a partner or because they are delusional.

Some polyamorous people would not be happier as monogamous and the social stigma is annoying at best and makes life really difficult at worst.

The difficult part about this is that these things are nearly trivially true. Yes, some people fall into all of these categories. I think that the argument is usually that polyamorous people think there are a lot of people in category 1 because of social norms and anti-polyamorous people think that a lot of people are in category 3 because they are deluding themself or a partner is pressuring them or some other factor.

II. Blank Slatism

Blank Slatism is the idea that human psychology is entirely a product of environmental forces and not influenced by genetics. Hardly anyone is blank slastist about all psychological traits but many have blank slatist positions or sympathies with regard to some traits. Blank slate arguments are not made explicitly but can be seen through implication; no one will say “that is entirely environmental” but their argument will hinge on the trait being entirely or at least mostly environmental without acknowledging the potential for a genetic cause.

I believe that some polyamorists believe or behave as if sexual and romantic jealousy are socially constructed and can be overcome through reasoning. In a recent substack post by Scott Alexander, he made mentioned that the argument “you wouldn’t be jealous if your friend had other friends” was commonly raised as an argument by polyamorous people. I commented on this that it would be difficult for me to imagine someone persuaded by this analogy. What would be a possible response: “You are right. This emotion of jealousy that I have has ceased.” I can’t imagine that happening.

In other contexts, if I wanted to convince someone to stop being jealous, I would argue that their partner is faithful and loyal. I would make the point that it is unlikely that the attractive female intern at work is going to sleep with your husband because he is a good man. This would be an argument that you need not be worried because the actual act of unfaithfulness would not take place. This could make someone cease feeling jealous. But saying something like “Why are you sad that your husband is spending time with the intern. You wouldn’t mind him spending time with his buddies” seems unconvincing because the point of concern is the love, affection of sexual intimacy being shared with someone else. This feeling does not seem so mutable to me.

It is not so mutable in my view because it is not a product of social influence but is likely a product of evolution. Jealousy is coded in our genes. Across the world, there are concerns about sexual female loyalty likely due to cuckoldry preventing one’s genes from being passed on. In the Blank Slate, Steven Pinker argues that female jealousy is more focused on a psychological connection because women would be concerned that their husband would leave them. Women that did not care if their husbands fell in love and ran off with other women likely did not succeed in passing their genes on just as men who let their wives sleep around did not either. I’ll note that there would be extremely strong selection against things like compersion, positive feelings from a partner enjoying someone else romantically or sexually. That is not to say that it does not exist.

Even if jealousy were not an emotional issue, wanting ones partner to remain faithful makes sense if you are concerned about them leaving you. While being polyamorous allows one’s partner to having the best of both worlds, they may soon find that they do not need you. If this is a concern, then not wanting polyamory may be rational in some sense even if jealousy is not experienced.

III. Moral Concerns

There is likely some moral concerns that are intertwined with disgust. To some, the idea of one’s spouse having sex with another person is quite revolting. This emotion likely carries over to seeing other couples engage in this behavior. Love is regarded as a high value and sexual novelty is regarded as a low value. Trading off between these two can be seen as something that is immoral. This feeling of moral disgust is very hard to shake for people. I do not think these things can be argued away very easily.

One other concern would be societal instability. One form of this argument would be a bunch of men who cannot get women and they resort to anti-social behavior. I feel this may be a problem but someone is not obligated to pair off with a man because he may engage in anti-social behavior. However, it might be good to encourage more stabilizing social norms but perhaps not use negative stigma to achieve them. Another form of this argument would be that this does not provide children with a stable upbringing. A man could get one girlfriend pregnant and then not commit to her or provide resources because this man does not care about her much or likes his other girlfriend more. Children could be exposed to weird social arrangements and we do not know how that would affect their development. In order to evaluate these arguments, it would take a lot more data. Usually, I just see people use hypotheticals. But it is easy to imagine someone would weigh moral concern for this sort of thing higher than they do sexual or romantic jealousy. Again, something that is hard to shake off.

Another concern is that polyamory is imposed on one partner because another partner wants more novelty. The objection would be that the partner who nominally consents but really wish it was not happening just wants to not lose their partner or the objection could be that this hastens the downfall of relationships. Usually, I just see this supported with anecdotes. I do not know if this is the typical form of a poly relationship. A poly person could always say they do not support this but this would probably be a side-effect of normalization. That poly person is not responsible for other people’s relationship disfunction but it is worth noting that many relationships would not achieve the platonic ideal of what being poly would look like.

[laufire]

Silverflint or silverflintmadi

Silverflintmadi

when of if I started shipping it: it interested me since the moment Madi offered to help with the task of ~being someone close to Flint~~ lol. I started fully shipping it today after watching 4x01 (who knows when I’ll have time to watch the next one D:), and Silvermadi’s choice of postcoital conversation was FLINT LMFAO.

my thoughts: we could have had it all *sobs*. Seriously, they could play off each other so well as a triad... And the similarities between Flint and Madi are my favourite thing ever lol.

What makes me happy about them: interesting dynamics all around, how they play with the core conflict of the show.

What makes me sad about them: it’s gonna end in a truly heartbreaking place.

things done in fanfic that annoys me: I have yet to read fic (though I’ve perused tags et al; I have a weird anthropological interest about that sort of stuff okay xD), but I’m sure I’ll find something xD

things I look for in fanfic: probably canon-divergence AUs lmao. And whether there’s fic that includes Miranda in the polycule, Because.

My kinks: frankly I see Silver as someone not naturally inclined to kink and likely even uncomfortable with some of it. Flint is the subiest sub evah and probably has experience, but he definitely has his own hangups wrt sex. Madi might be the more pro-active one in that area, in a no-nonsense way and more out of curiosity than hands-on experience. It would be a mess so I guess they can only improve from there xD.

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: this question is DELETED when it comes to this show. Poly or bust. If you’re asking me “who else I could ship them with”: Miranda for the polycule, Thomas for Flint (and Miranda; Flint/Thomas without Miranda there breaks my heart tbh), Muldoon for Silver and Eme for Madi. But again: this are all compatible in my head :P

My happily ever after for them: victory and happiness and polyamory, canon-divergence AU ftw xD

Silverflint

I didn’t know whether to do both but they’re different beasts so xD

when of if I started shipping it: I did enjoy a lot of their previous interactions but the ship-ship moment came when Flint asked Silver if he’s the villain of his story, and Silver replied he doesn’t care about the labels people give to Flint. Cue Flint looking shaken to his core and Silver amazed at the fact that Flint cares about how he comes across to other people and saying it must suck to be him xDD. OTP-levels shipping came with the shark date lmfao.

my thoughts: I’ve been interested in them since TI (I cared a lot more about their backstory than the plot lol), so it’s no surprise I love them here.

What makes me happy about them: they’re really well written, and despite being a big-ish shipdom (within the show, though maybe not in general levels probably) I have yet to see something that makes me want to run from the hills, so there’s that (*knocks on wood so that it doesn’t happen*. Look, I tend to dislike big shipdoms even when I’m technically part of them lol. Maybe more so).

What makes me sad about them: I thrive on heartache and disfunction, so for all I know, I might embrace the canon ending LOL.

things done in fanfic that annoys me: n/a. I guess “blatant OoC-ness/female characters erasure/bashing” is a handy answer.

things I look for in fanfic: see above.

My kinks: see above.

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: see above.

My happily ever after for them: see above.

[dollsruleok-blog]

oh i dont know for years the smith are a disfunctional family she is bisexual she likes men which is ok but women no willow go to church and repent that is not allowed in the bible repent for your sins end times is coming up to like women is a biblical sin repent and jesus will forgive u if u repent 

[holdbeast]

Is it alright to ask if you have any more headcanons for the old flame relationship Makoto (police comissioner) x Akira (could be politician could be doing semi-legal stuff too)? This sounds like such a good AU and I'm kind of interested in writing it if you're okay with that.

I am 100% okay with both headcanon asks, and with people writing fics based on my text posts!  I mean, this is all fan spec written in good fun.  I don’t own it. 

SO ANYWAY, my personal feelings about Police Commissioner Makoto and Shadowy Powerbroker Akira goes: 

Makoto and Akira’s relationship was all about Makoto’s fascination with the underworld that Akira walks in, and her desire to become a more worldly person.  And she got that!  Just like Akira got being with Makoto was in part about experimenting with his own sexuality.   Spoiler: you don’t sleep with a psychic biker queen unless you think you might like being held down. 

So they let things run their course a couple of years in to college.  Akira started being more and more like Joker in real life, which was hot, but  kind of infuriating.  Makoto’s studies in law enforcement also made her a bit more philosophical and discerning about what kind of extra-legal activities she might be willing to accept.  Fights were had. They didn’t fit anymore. 

Except… 

The sex was excellent.  The sex had ALWAYS been excellent.  So they remained FWB for a while longer.  It fuelled a new disfunction in their relationship.  Makoto could sleep with Akira to pin him down and shut up him.  Akira could sleep with Makoto to distract her brilliant mind from his sketchier activities. 

Things went more sour once Makoto made detective on the police force. Makoto was still a Phantom Thief, and willing to cut procedural corners if it meant enforcing justice… but she wouldn’t hold back from arresting Akira’s contacts if they were behaving badly.  And Akira started holding back information from her.  More fights were had.  They pulled back from one another. 

But Makoto, who loves yakuza movies, who loved a boy called Joker, never lost that itch to experience the underworld.  And Akira, working his way through law school and then up the political ranks, building the network that would let him change society once again… he never stopped liking that someone else there could hold the Joker down. 

So invariably, every couple of years or so, Akira needs police help or vice versa, and Akira and Commissioner Makoto fall into bed together. 

They may or may not manufacture reasons for this to happen, if it doesn’t occur naturally. 

They think they’re being stealthy, but they’re really, really not.  At least not to the police force, who probably run betting pools about which one of them breaks down and seduces the other first.  Thankfully Makoto has never been interested in a serious committed relationship, and Akira has the kind of partner who’s down with polyamory. 

Makoto sometimes get bullshit pity from people who think that Akira somehow ruined her for other partners, that she’s carrying a torch and it’s the reason why she never settled down and had a family.  Those people are in for an intellectual beatdown.  Makoto is not here for your shit. 

i picture Commissioner Makoto as a lot like Lin Beifong, except with more schedules?  And without the gross message about childfree women and their lifetime of envy and regret.  Ugh, fuck you Legend of Korea. 

[poliamorexplorador]

That feeling when you become a cliche

Two nights ago, Evan proposed to Kanya.

She said yes.

My reaction:

I’m heartbroken.

Context would be helpful, I suppose.

All the poly advice tells you not to try polyamory if you’re trying to save the relationship, and this is good advice. Kanya and I kind of came at it sideways, though, and the decision to be poly wound up saving things...even though that wasn’t the intention.

Kanya and I both come from abusive backgrounds, and we bonded over our shared disfunction. We didn’t realize it at the time, though. We each responded to our abuse in different ways, but fell into a pattern of codependency. She had trouble with day-to-day adult responsibilities, and I was the one that felt compelled to fix everything.

The codependency pattern played itself out like it always does. I was resentful that she didn’t appreciate my hard work to help her. She was upset with me because I was treating her like a child.

I felt like my life was on hold while I waited for her to get her act together. I couldn’t deal with that. So we broke up. Shortly after that, I met someone practicing polyamory, and decided to try it. I told Kanya about it, and she also decided to give it a shot.

Polyamory requires a vastly different paradigm than normal relationships, and that new viewpoint is what saved us.

There was no expectation that she owed me anything, or I owed her anything. We shared time with each other because we wanted to. I learned to let her problems be her problems, and stopped riding in to the rescue unless she asked for my help.

We carried on like this for the better part of a year, and then I started traveling. She met Evan. We stayed in touch during my travels. I came back, and we were reunited for a few months while I looked for a new job. After I found one, and moved to a different state, our relationship switched to long distance again, and it’s been that way ever since.

Kanya is wrapping up her undergrad degree, and my intention was to start talking to her about marriage at some point this spring. She’s matured in all the right ways and can function on her own as an adult, which was my biggest complaint when we were together.

But Evan beat me to the punch. They started discussing marriage back before Christmas. Kanya spent Christmas with me, and over the holiday we discussed a life together and what it would look like.

In the end, she decided to choose him instead.

Typically this would be the end of the story. They would get married, start a life, and I’d figure out how to move on. But since we’re poly, and she is planning to stay poly post-marriage, my romantic relationship with Kanya will continue. In fact, she’s coming to visit me next month.

This feels like a really fucked up situation and I don’t know how to handle it.

I was sad when she told me that they were planning to get married, but I bounced back and started trying to figure out what my life would look like without her by my side. 

Then last night she told me that they had made the engagement official, and it really upset me.

I felt bad because this is amazing, life-changing news for her, and I can’t be happy for her. I’m sad for me. I think that’s a pretty normal reaction, even if this isn’t a normal situation.

I don’t know how having her in my life is going to work moving forward. The intent is for us to remain in each other’s lives, but our relationship is going to change. Instead of being each others’ primaries, I’m becoming her secondary. I’m less important.

I’ve been struggling today with the idea that I’m a cliche; I’m the guy that decided to open his relationship and lost his partner to someone else she likes better. I fucking hate cliches, and I hate being one.

I also hate facing my rough edges. I’ve been with one or two other women since Kanya and I opened things up, but aside from that I’ve spent most of my time alone. I’ve formed zero significant attachments.

A lot of the reason why has to do with the fact that I’m bad with women in general. I used to be the stereotypical nice guy. I still have a lot of those tendencies in spite of trying hard to change that aspect of myself. I’m bad with women and bad at dating.

Now that I can’t count on building a life with Kanya, I have to face this part of myself and figure out a way to change it. I just...don’t know how.

I saw a therapist a few weeks ago, and intend to visit her regularly to start diving down to the root of these issues.

I have a lot of things to figure out, not the least of which is whether or not I want to retain being poly as part of my identity.

More later, I suppose.