#discomfort with suicide jokes for Me

[akuma-homura]

sometimes I remember how I watched Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei when I was a kid and liked it well enough but now that i'm an adult and I look at it i'm like

...i legitimately can't in good faith recommend this to anyone, nor do I want to rewatch it, actually.

had some banger openings and endings though, but like, that's the most I'm taking out of it now hgfdgh

[daeluin]

i don't like sp patrick on my dash. i don't enjoy watching that man. he should be on suicide watch

[sweetfushi]

hello!!! would you be interested in writing something about nanami comforting his lover who’s on her period? i am currently on mine and it’s kicking my ass 😞💗

COMFORTING YOU ON YOUR PERIOD.

fluff | kento nanami x reader, menstrual pain, established relationship, mentions of death and suicide (this doesn’t get dark don’t worry), mentions of pregnancy and birth control | word count. 0.6k ◦ notes. i know this is a little late but i hope you're feeling better now! my period almost always has me howling

If it were any other day, you’d be out of bed and dragging yourself around the kitchen to make a concoction you would call breakfast for the day. Today was not any other day – it was day one of your consequence for not being pregnant. When you thought of it that way, you considered telling your husband that you weren’t completely opposed to getting pregnant right now. But there wasn’t much thinking happening with the way you were tossing, turning and whining in bed, clutching a hot water bottle to your stomach.

“Uuhhhh,” you groan, face contorting in discomfort as Nanami moves your hair out your face and from your sweaty neck. He’s made sure to open a window just enough to let fresh air in, but not enough to lead gusts of wind to heighten your cramps.

“I know, my love, I know,” he coos.

“Really makes me wanna take birth control,” you grunt, fisting the blanket pulled up to your chest as your brow furrows. “Or get pregnant.”

“Those are two very conflicting ideas,” he laughs softly, letting you hit him lightly in your moment of annoyance. “You haven’t had breakfast yet. You want me to cook or do you wanna order in?”

When you don’t respond, he pulls his phone out and opens up a delivery app, before handing it to you and letting you scroll through the options available. He knows if he were to head downstairs and start making something, you’d call him back in less than five minutes - not that he’d mind, he just wouldn’t be productive.

Nanami checks the digital receipt once you’re done to ensure you haven’t ordered caffeine, something he’s aware worsens cramps after scrolling through multiple blogs. When he does spot a caffeinated drink in the list of things you’ve ordered, he gives you a pointed look, to which you stare at him blankly. He simply shows you the drink you’ve ordered for you to take the hint.

“Oh that,” you start with a matter-of-fact tone, “you seriously expect me to have breakfast without something to wash it all down?”

“I’m sure there were other, much healthier options.”

“The healthier options look gross. My period and healthiness do not correlate.” Nanami has to contain a snort at the look of sheer disgust on your face.

Only an hour later are you at ease as Nanami sits beside you on the bed with his laptop and glasses perched on the bridge of his nose. Sometimes you’ll disrupt his work to ramble about something or simply complain about random sparks of pain, all of which Nanami listens and responds to accordingly.

“Did you know that swans only have one partner in their life? They kill themselves when their partner dies,” you frown, sniffling from either incoming tears or cold.

“That’s not too far off what some people feel nowadays,” he sighs, rubbing his hand up and down your thigh. “I would definitely fall apart at your death, maybe even become a hermit.”

You feel your chest tighten at the thought. “I can’t really imagine you doing that,” you admit as you press the hot water bottle closer to your stomach.

Nanami huffs, amused. The hand that’s on your thigh reaches up to caress your cheek as you stare at him curiously.

“That’s because you’re not dying unless it’s with me and in my arms. Sometimes I think one of these periods will be the ones to take you,” he laughs softly, apologising as you hit him repeatedly.

“Kento! They aren’t a joke, they're so bad.”

He kisses the top of your head and pulls you into his embrace. “Just let me know when you want them gone for nine months.”

sweetfushi © do not modify, repost, translate, copy or use my post. all that is included in this post, aside from the photos, fictional characters and universes, belong to sweetfushi (zee).

[tigergirltail]

TIGER HRT CHAPTER 6 - MONTH 6 - THE CAGED BIRD

CONTENT WARNING - This chapter contains mentions of medical injections, bigotry, child abuse, self-harm, and attempted suicide. Reader beware.

FIRST - PREV - NEXT

I had my six-month check-up with Dr. Erian, an online appointment just like last time. No particular medical issues this time around, bloodwork checks out, genetic reconfiguration is stable. We can't do a thorough physical exam over the internet, but according to him, I am "the very picture of health, by the standards of your species". I'm a bit curious what standards those are, given that I have yet to hear about any other tiger therians. Hopefully there ARE standards, and he's not just giving me empty reassurance.

We also spent some time going over dietary concerns - am I getting enough meat, am I reducing my fruit and grain intake appropriately, that sort of thing. I assured him that I'm eating real meat with every meal, just like the booklet said to, I've been limiting fruits and vegetables, and I don't even have an appetite for anything grain-based. I'll probably miss what fresh bread used to be like, but I just can't bring myself to want it anymore. Apparently not every therian is following the diet they're supposed to, but the doctor didn't have any concerns about me, "assuming your answers are honest, Miss Alexis". What, does he think I'm about to lie to the one person who knows how species transition works?

At one point during the discussion I thought I heard him mutter something about a "foolish undine", but I must have misheard. Undines are water spirits or elementals or something - a fictional creature. Then again, so are dragons and lamias, but the first well-known humanity remover was a dragon-girl, and I've been hanging out and playing online games with a lamia. At this point you could tell me there's someone out there transitioning to Sonic the Hedgehog, and I might actually believe you.

I've hit the point of full fur coverage, so no more awkward bald patches! Unfortunately, this does mean I need to start taking my estrogen in a form other than skin patches, because there's nowhere left to stick them. After a lot of agonizing over the pros and cons of potential liver damage from pills versus facing down my needle phobia, I opted to ask my endocrinologist to train me on injectable estrogen. She made a somewhat tone-deaf joke about not being trained in veterinary medicine, but she was otherwise very patient and reassuring, so I let it slide.

I do want to state for the record that I am a big scary tiger who's not afraid of anything and I only cried a little bit the first time I injected myself.

My ears are definitely becoming much more sensitive - I keep hearing really annoying high-pitch noises when I'm around heavy machinery, and that happens a lot more often than you might think. My office at work is right next to an elevator, and whenever someone uses it, the motor lets out this gods-awful whine and I have to plug my ears until it stops moving again. My local grocery also has a few freezer units that give off a similar sound, constantly, and I've had to start wearing earplugs to go on food runs.

As for visual changes, I can see in the dark reasonably well, but I've also started getting headaches and discomfort when I squint or try too hard to focus on something. I guess I should probably just… try to not do that. I have spent a significant portion of my life staring at a screen, so my eyes probably aren't in the best shape overall.

Now that my physical changes are pretty much done, most people just assume I'm wearing a very intricate costume - at least, until they get close. No costume has mouth movements or facial expressions this realistic, and believe me, our top furry scientists and engineers have tried.

At one point there's a conversation on the humanity removal chat server about the political climates in our respective areas towards therians. Obviously, a lot of the right-wing talking-head shows have been shitting themselves inside-out about the idea of people giving up their humanity, especially the ones with a more religious bent. "How dare these freaks forsake God's holy image", "Humanity is a divine blessing and must be cherished", "We call on the one true God to smite these worshippers of the Beast", and so on like that. Excuse you, but I've never worshipped your discriminatory god and I'm not beholden to their 'holy image'. My goddess is one of beauty, love, and artistic expression, and the entire reason I'm changing myself in the first place is as an expression of self-love.

Most of us agree, though, that the absolute worst of the 24-hour news cycle doesn't have anything to do with how regular everyday people see us. In fact, we're rare enough still that a decent proportion of people don't believe we exist - they think that tabloids made us up to sell more copies. I don't know if that's better in terms of acceptance, but I'll take it over a torch-and-pitchfork mob running me out of town.

The conversation shifts to us sharing our locations, those of us who are comfortable doing so at least. We generally keep it vague, but most of us are at least alright with saying which country we live in. I narrow it down to a province for myself, mainly because my province alone is larger than some countries, but also because once we start to get noticed by the media and the world, there'll probably be no stopping our locations becoming known.

It's also going to get interesting if anyone starts asking how most of us are going to the same medical provider when he requires that consultations be done in person, or why the location he operates out of - Hyper City - doesn't appear on any map. Truthfully, I'm still trying to wrap my head around it myself.

The next day, I get a private message from the girl with the corvid avatar:

"Hey I saw your post when everybody was talking about where they are! I live there too!! We should totally meet up sometime ^v^"

…This is a dilemma. Obviously, I'm worried about the optics of a teenager meeting up with a 39-year-old she met on the internet, there's all kinds of ways that could be taken the wrong way, but dammit, I still don't know anyone like me in this part of the world, who knows if I'll ever find anyone else who's local? …I really want to try, but I should at least give her a warning, and a judgement-free out.

"Uhh I get wanting to meet up, but I'm more than 20 years older than you, would your parents be anywhere near cool with that??"

There's a long pause. I see her start and stop typing multiple times. I'm worried I've upset her. Eventually, she sends another message:

"I don't give a fuck what they think"

I'm taken aback by the harshness of the reply, and don't manage to type anything before another series of messages pops up:

"and they don't care what I do anyway so it's whatever" "if anyone asks I'll just say you're my weird aunt" "you have no idea how bad I want to meet someone who GETS IT" "humanity is a curse and I want to be free"

'I want to be free'. Something about that phrase hits somewhere deep, in a source of pain that never fully healed. Freedom from pain, freedom from self-hatred, freedom at any cost, even if it meant my life. I remember how that desire for freedom feels.

The only thing I can think to do next is ask if she's okay. Her response is to ask if I can go on a voice call. I'm not sure if she wants some confirmation that I'm a real person or if she just doesn't want the next part of the conversation preserved in the text log.

"Hey…", I begin cautiously as the voice call starts. "Can you hear me okay?"

There's a suppressed sniffle on the other end. "Yeah… I hear you."

For a moment I entertain the thought of going all 'when I was your age' and explaining that I was always cautioned against talking to strangers on the internet, but it's probably not the time for that. Read the room, Alexis.

She's not saying anything. I'm going to have to start this off, I think. Something harmless, something value-neutral…

"So from your icon, I'm guessing you want crow HRT? Raven HRT, maybe?"

"Crow HRT.", she states simply. "Crows are everywhere here, and I've always loved them, always been jealous of them. They get to go anywhere they want, do anything they want…" She lets out a groaning sigh. "Augh, this is stupid. You probably think I'm stupid for wanting this."

I can't hold back from giving a little bit of a laugh. "Hah! Young lady, one year ago I went to a doctor and told him to his face that I wanted him to turn me into a recessive-gene variant of an endangered species that doesn't even live on this continent, and then I threatened to bite him if he wouldn't do it. Fantasizing about being a crow is just about the normalest thing I can imagine compared to that."

"…You said you'd BITE him?"

I grin, though without a camera set up she can't see it. "Every one of us who seeks out humanity removal therapy is already a little bit inhuman, even if we don't fully know it yet. After all, why would we remove something if we felt emotionally attached to it?"

Another audible sniffle. "Holy fuck, you DO get it…"

"I sure hope I get it, it's not like I can un-grow the fur and the tail."

She gives a laugh, then there's a long pause. "…Does it hurt? Is it scary?"

"Sometimes. My fingers were REALLY sore while my claws were developing, and having your entire facial structure rearrange is no joke. As for scary, well, I sure get stared at a lot more, but I think I scare people a lot more than they scare me."

"Heh, maybe I want to be scary."

I frown a little. "I don't. I just want to be true to myself."

There's an awkward silence. After a while, I decide to bring up something I was curious about:

"So I remember you asking if there was a way to get species HRT without your parents noticing. I'm guessing they're not exactly supportive?"

She lets out an uncomfortable groan. "Mmmngh… They watch a lot of those news shows, you know, the ones that only run angry sensationalist bullcrap? Dad gets furious at the idea of anyone changing themselves, something about the 'holy sanctity of the human body' or whatever. He even thinks tattoos are blasphemy. Mom says it's the most horrific thing she can imagine, she nearly fainted when she caught me watching a stream of this one dragon girl talking about her changes."

"And here you are, wanting to be a bird… I'm sorry, that sounds really rough."

"It… It is." I can hear her voice faltering. "Hearing nothing but how terrible a waste it is, and how awful and horrific they are, and the whole time knowing that I'd give ANYTHING for it to happen to me, I just… I'm sorry, I just…"

"Hey, you don't need to apologize… I'm not going anywhere."

"I just… don't know how much longer I can take it!"

"…Take what?" I'm afraid to ask my next question, but… I just have to. "…What are they doing to you??"

Somewhere deep inside her, the dam just… breaks. She starts sobbing as she tells me about how her parents yell at her over every single mistake, how she gets shoved or hit just for being in the way, how she hurts herself just so the pain gives her something to feel and to focus on, and how she… How she once climbed up to the roof of her building and took a flying leap off. She had every intention to end her own life, but in the moment her feet left the ground and she felt the air under her arms, she experienced a rush of euphoria, for the first time she can remember.

…And a moment later, she broke a leg and several ribs when she hit the ground.

She explains that she spent over a month in hospital, a captive audience for her parents to yell at more, when they even bothered to show up at all. I'm too stunned to even react.

She's spent the years since then chasing that high, climbing trees and jumping off, finding rooftops and hilltops to go stand in the wind, looking up online videos of parachuting and wingsuiting and hang gliding, and when she first heard rumours about medical treatments that can alter one's very species, she started frantically researching. That's how she started finding other therians to reach out to, how she got involved in the group chat.

"Have you… had an appointment with Dr. Erian yet?" I have a feeling I already know the answer - something something, 'letter from a physician, two psychologists, live as your preferred species for at least a year'. The same horseshit I had to listen to.

"No… I tried to get one, but he won't see anyone under 18 without parental consent, and fat chance of ever getting that."

Huh. I hadn't expected that, it feels surprisingly principled for him. Though at the end of the day, it's probably just another liability thing - ol' Teddy Erian covering his own ass as usual.

"I just…" She's started crying again. "I just want to turn into a beautiful black bird and fly away from all this, forever… I just want to live my life on the wind, going wherever I want, never having to see a single human again…"

I can feel my own tears welling up, and that's the moment I make my decision. I'm going to meet up with this girl, and I'm going to find a way to help her. Maybe she doesn't need humanity removal, maybe she just needs to know someone who understands.

We decide on a place and time to meet up. There's a little cafe I like nearby, run by a trio of neurodivergent queer women. It's a public place, and about as safe for weirdos like us as you can get. Corvid-girl tells me she'll be the one with a feathered headband and a crow-skull necklace. I tell her I'll be the one with white fur and a tail. That manages to get a laugh out of her. I choose to take that as a victory.

There's something about the way she laughs that sounds a bit like a crow's call. I wonder whether that's intentional on her part…

A few days later, I'm sitting in the cafe enjoying a hot chocolate and a roast beef sandwich - extra meat, naturally. Dr. Erian said I have to start cutting chocolate out of my diet because cocoa is going to become toxic to me, but… chocolate! I did ask for a lighter mix though, so what I'm drinking is actually mostly just hot milk. Maybe there's a cocoa-free substitute out there I can look into…

I'm snapped out of my thoughts by a squeal of delight emanating from the front door. There's a teenage girl standing there, staring directly at me with a look of amazement on her face. Dark clothes, pale skin, black hair, headband with feathers in it, and hanging from her neck, an amulet in the shape of a bird skull. I smile and wave a paw at her. She practically bounces as she walks up to my table and takes a seat.

"Holy SHIT, you're… And you even have the… Your face looks just like… Can I touch your paw??"

I laugh and hold out my paw. "Haha, sure, just watch out for the claws, they don't stay all the way inside just yet."

"Oh, it's okay, I'm used to sharp things!"

I wince as I think back to our voice chat from the other day. I REALLY hope she doesn't mean what I think she means, but I can't help noticing she's wearing long sleeves, even though the weather has been getting warmer.

She turns my paw over and squeals. "OHMYGOD you even have the BEEEEANS!" I can't resist smiling as she starts poking and prodding at my pawpads. "You look SO!! AMAZING!!"

Corvid-girl starts frantically complimenting all my animalistic features - "Your stripes are so pretty!" "I love your tail!" "Ohh, your fangs, they're so COOL!!" - and I start uncontrollably blushing. I never would have thought species affirmation would feel this euphoric… Naturally, being a teenager, she takes this as an excuse to push even harder, and I start covering my face with my paws, thoroughly embarrassed.

"You look just like the tigers they have on stage for those shows in Vegas!"

"H-hey, that's actually not okay…"

"You know, I bet you'd look good up on a stage too! Everyone would love to see you!!"

Instinctually, I let out a growl, louder than I actually want to. It has the intended effect, in that she stops dead and stares at me, but so do a few other cafe patrons. Oh gods, here comes the embarrassment again… "H-hey, look, it's just…"

"Sorry." She's gone completely deadpan, and stiff as a board.

I close my eyes tightly. Gods, why did I DO that?? First the waitress at that seafood place, and now an actual CHILD. I REALLY need to start getting a handle on these predator instincts. When I open my eyes again, she's still standing there, and she looks like she's on the verge of a panic attack.

I need to calm her down, need to bring her back. "No… I'M sorry. I shouldn't have done that, I just… The animals they use for those stage shows get abused all the time, and it's kind of a sore spot for me."

"…Really?"

Okay, she's talking, she's distracted, maybe I can still salvage this. "Yeah… Every species has baggage, it's one of the shitty parts of being therian, and tigers, white tigers especially, they're treated like show pieces, or worse."

"…Well shit, I knew they're endangered, but… fuck."

"Yeah, it's a whole thing, I try not to -"

Our conversation is interrupted by one of the staff tapping corvid-girl on the shoulder and asking to talk privately. She reluctantly agrees to go to the back of the store and talk. At first I think maybe she's being chastised for being a disturbance, but the barista who pulled her away is giving me some very pointed looks. Worried looks, I might even say.

If I angle my ears just right, I can almost hear them through the noise of the rest of the cafe.

"…other patrons were concerned… …young lady so close to a dangerous creature…"

I wonder if the barista notices the indignant look that crosses my face when they describe me as a 'creature'.

Corvid-girl lets out that bird-like laugh of hers. Her voice is a lot more distinct and easier to pick out:

"It's just my aunt! She's not a 'creature', she just takes meds to look like that!"

The barista doesn't protest as corvid-girl returns to our table, but they're still giving me a very 'You'd better not try anything' kind of look.

Corvid-girl sits down, seemingly a little more grounded, a little more sobered. "…I guess I never thought to ask, why a white tiger?"

I lean forward, head in one paw, and give a bit of a shrug. "I relate a lot to them."

"To… being treated like a show piece, or whatever you said?"

"…Yeah. When I was little, they called me 'gifted' and put me in a separate school. I remember being excited about it, but it turns out it just meant getting more homework."

"…Ew."

I smile a little bit. "That's what I thought too! They wanted me to be some brilliant prodigy, a genius in the making, but the reality is I was just more observant and better at math than most people, that's all. I actually had to take an extra year of school because I was so bad at it."

"EWW!!"

"I KNOW, RIGHT?? But, then I went to college and graduated at the top of my class, so the joke's on them in the end."

"I wasn't even planning on staying around long enough for college…" She still has a bit of a depressed air about her, but she's not going into a panic. Maybe I'm better with kids than I thought.

"Yeah, I remember, you were going to turn into a beautiful crow and fly away forever." I try to give her a reassuring look. "But hey, the human world isn't ALL bad."

"Says the woman who's turning herself into a wild animal."

I snort quietly as I hold back a laugh. "Okay, fair, but wild animals don't get the internet, or nice little cafes where weirdos like us can just sit and talk."

"Hah, yeah… Weirdos like us." She gives a smile. An actual, genuine smile. Suddenly all the awkwardness is worth it, to see someone so deeply unhappy smile. "That reminds me, I saw on the server you're into witchcraft, can you… teach me?"

Somehow I feel like I should have expected this. The goth-looking crow girl is into witchcraft, big surprise. "I… guess? Maybe? I'm not like an expert or anything, I've just read a few books and cast a few spells is all."

"Ooh, what kind of spells??" And now she's back to her enthusiastic self.

"Just some protective charms on people who needed them, a few card readings with a tarot deck, nothing much really…"

"Does it really work??"

"I mean, the people I cast those charms on ended up safe in the end, but who knows if what I did made a difference? Some of the card readings were scary-accurate though, I think I might have a talent for divination."

She laughs. "Gonna have to get you to read my future sometime."

We end up spending the next hour or so making small talk, getting to know each other, talking about the ins and outs of humanity removal, complaining about Dr. Erian, until…

"Hey, I gotta go catch the bus back home, but… this was nice." She gives a bit of a smirk. "Cool to meet another weirdo."

Before she leaves, I ask her name - I still don't know it, I've been internally calling her 'corvid-girl' this entire time.

She gives me a disgusted grimace. "Ugh, it's 'Margaret'. I'm named for my great-grandmother, it's SUCH an old-lady name."

"Margaret, like Maggie, as in magpie?" I smile a little. "Those are corvids too, you know."

Her expression softens a little. "…Never thought of that. Still don't like it, though…"

"Well, is there a name you'd like better? I can start calling you that if you like."

She freezes. Somewhere in her eyes I can see her mind working to process what I've just said. "…Nobody ever asked me that before. I'll… think about it." She turns to leave.

"Wait, hold on a sec."

"WHAT!?" She outright glares at me, then seems to soften. "Sorry, it's… never mind."

That… was an EXTREMELY sudden mood shift. Trauma response, maybe? "I… was just going to ask if you wanted a sandwich or something to take home."

"…Didn't bring any money…"

I shake my head a little. "That doesn't answer my question. Would you like me to BUY you a sandwich or something?"

"…Egg salad if they got it I guess…"

I go up to the counter and buy her an egg salad sandwich to go. She looks like she's going to cry when I hand it to her. I… probably shouldn't make a big deal about that, but somewhere deep inside, my heart breaks a little. Does she never have anyone just… offer her food?

I'm beginning to understand why she wants to leave behind the curse of humanity. I chose this path, I wanted to be a tiger, I'm running towards something. Corvid-girl, though? She's running away from something.

I walk her outside, and she starts to walk away, but suddenly stops, and turns back to me. She walks resolutely up to me, then grabs me in a hug.

"Soft…" Her voice is muffled against both my shirt and the fur underneath. "You're very soft…"

Once I get over my surprise at the sudden gesture, I hesitantly put one arm around her shoulders and pat her on the back. She pulls away after a few short moments, and walks away down the sidewalk without another word.

I touch my shirt where her head was leaning, and notice a small wet spot.

---

Time to play "Spot the References!" Intentional references below:

"something about a 'foolish undine'" - welldrawnfish (Fish HRT)

"the first well-known humanity remover was a dragon-girl" - ayviedoesthings (Dragon HRT)

"I've been hanging out and playing online games with a lamia" - ariathelamia (Lamia HRT)

"someone out there transitioning to Sonic the Hedgehog" - sonic-spirit (Sonic HRT)

"watching a stream of this one dragon girl talking about her changes" - Rain, by Jocelyn Samara D. (Dragon HRT)

[wickjump]

HELLO INTERNET AND WELCOME TO [wickjump]

My name is Wick (she/they/star/it), also known as Wickskip (TikTok), Wickjump (Tumblr), or Hopwick (AO3*).

On all platforms my content centers around Undertale and the Undertale Multiverse, however I’ll also sometimes reblog/post about a few other fandoms.

What I post and reblog can contain themes of violence/abuse, mental illness, suicide/self harm, suggestive themes, and more. For those reasons, this blog is intended for audiences 16+ in age.

DTIYS!!!!

information zone /ᐠ - ˕-マ｡˚ᶻ 𝗓

[⁉️] byf/dni:

dni: pro/com/dark (i do not support harassment or doxxing), xvials, TERFs, zionists/pro-isreal, anti-semitics, bigots. aka obvious assholes

I AM A VICTIM OF CSA BY A FAMILY MEMBER. THESE SUBJECTS TRIGGER ME TO OVERREACT AND BECOME DEFENSIVE. I LITERALLY HAVE PTSD. ALSO STOP SENDING XVIALS ASKS :(

byf: i will sometimes post/reblog things of a suggestive nature, but none of said posts will be graphic nudity. nsfw content may be discussed, but not in detail. i will also post whump content which can include gore, torture, conditioning, dehumanization, etc.

i will occasionally talk about my experience in being groomed, abused, formerly proship (and now against it), or other traumas of mine, but posts containing those themes will always be tagged appropriately.

if you’d like to send an ask relating to your experience in any of these things, asking advice on how to write these themes, etc, you can! ^^

*my ao3 account is not intended for children.

yes nsfw/18+ blogs can follow me i really dont care given i have one of my own

[⚠️] boundaries:

no asks referring to substance abuse or alcoholism, pretty pls.

no i will not date you lmao,,, i don't do online dating, nor catch feelings over the internet. please don't ask on anon anymore thanks???

do not tag me in posts containing themes that apply to my dnis or general discomforts. that includes grooming, pedophilia, incest, proship content, bigotry, etc.

do not tag me in posts that are centered around the harassment of another individual or group of individuals.

don’t flirt with me or make sexual comments towards me, regardless of age or relationship status, including jokes!!!! conversations with graphic sexual themes are generally uncomfortable for me and i’d prefer not to have them. conversations about sex or sexual themes (as in characters doing the do) in a way that isn’t nitty-gritty is fine as long as you’re 18+ and not being weird towards me (or in general) about it.

don’t drag me into fights/start them under my posts!!!!!!! id like to be informed of the base of what’s going on, but not included.

sometimes i can be wrong about things. if i am wrong about things, tell me so i can improve!! i never mean to make anyone upset because of something i said. on this note, also send an ask or dm if i reblog or mistakenly support a not-good person, it would be much appreciated!

aint a boundary but itd be appreciated if you didn’t use starself, only star/stars. not for any important reason it’s just a grammar pet peeve of mine

[⭐️] faves:

things that are bolded are my current hyperfocus

aus: xtale, handplates, dusttale, reapertale, aftertale

au sanses: cross, reaper, lust, dream, dust, error, sci and fresh (not in any order)

canon ut characters: chara, frisk, asriel/flowey, toriel, alphys

other au characters: xtale alphys, xchara, xtale toriel, uf!toriel, uf!flowey, reapertale chara, handplates gaster, starlo (ut:y), outertale grillby, core frisk

ships: crepic, kross, lustblue, hypersomnia, mtt + crepic poly, epickross, bad sans poly, mtt + cross poly, mtt poly, drinkberry, errorink, afterdeath, etc. but im not a picky shipper :3

tropes: devotion, friends -> lovers, hurt/comfort, opposites attract, soulmates, whump

color, animal, movie, book: pink/red, cats/wolves/foxes, the little prince (1974)/the lion king, fading echoes/the forgotten warrior (wc)

coffee order: 60-130k word slow burn friends to lovers whumpee/caretaker recovery fic rated M

[🕯] other assorted info:

no twitter, discord, or insta :(

i have another name btw it’s winnie :3 throw it in every now and then if you want to confuse people. not too often though i like wick better

no i don’t have kids, i have cats. two of them. but they cost as much and take as much time as human children would, probably.

every time i talk about ink in a relationship it is always queerplatonic on his part, even if i don’t clarify!! i personally don’t ship him romantically.

i have diagnosed autism, adhd, anxiety, and some others but that’s my personal biz. if i come off as awkward, ‘trying too hard’, unable to realize when a joke’s ended, or just weird/unlikable, that’s why. i’m seriously bad with that stuff but i’m trying my best!!

i’m an ace lesbian (i love women) and fxminine (a gender that basically means agender/lack of gender with a strong connection to femininity).

i am squirrelstar, nightcloud, and mapleshade’s biggest fans ever!!!!!!!!!!!

[🐇] links to thingz:

Undertrap Sans/Milkbone Sans

Sona Reference Sheet

Strawpage (carrd but cooler + u can submit drawings?!??!?!?!)

Ao3 / TikTok

18+ Sideblog

(pride divider by aquazero, cross stamps by lazyartost, error sans & warrior cats dividers by sister-lucifer)

[clonehub]

Years on, accusations against Andor for being "too dark" confuse me because I don't think there was any aspect of the violence itself that was darker than anything we've seen in Star Wars. What people took issue with was that the characters would pause, comment on, and react to such violence in a way that the majority of other Star Wars characters historically have not.

Take a look at any of the violence in The Clone Wars -- often the most we'll get is characters acknowledging the violent act they just witnessed or committed themselves, but for various reasons they can't/don't portray it the way that, say, Bic getting slammed into a wall and bleeding from the head (police brutality was shown. Characters get blown sky high in Star Wars animation all the time -- but when the same happens in Andor with the Pre-Mor cops, it's not the violence, it's the cries for help and the wounded screams and the ashen nausea on Siril's face.

Which is to say that Andor doesn't gloss over, excuse, ignore, or make light of its violence. A child is about to enter into a child marriage for the sake of the rebellion and its handled with horror. Immediately after rescuing a child bride from a defacto pedophile, Boba's put in the child's place and this is played as a joke despite him ALSO being a child (the presumption being that the pedophile in question ~obviously~ doesn't want Boba, and that Boba can get out on his own).

I'm glad that Andor doesn't play around with its violence. It showed the horrors and downsides of oppressive violence and how it can hurt the oppressors without excusing anything they do. Rebels' modus operandi was making a running joke of the silly, ridiculous, our outlandish ways that the crew would kill Imperial soldiers.

(Don't get me wrong, I love Rebels. I really do. But if we're looking at the pure math, two highschoolers blew up a lot of people and laughed about it. This isn't an indictment on Rebels!)

One might even say that Andor on average was less violent than your typical pre-Andor Star Wars show. People have committed suicide (twice, TCW), fallen to their deaths (repeated, TCW), been decapitated (TCW), lost limbs and shown the missing limb (TCW), been blown up (TCW), sacrificed themselves (TCW) etc etc....you get the idea. But outside the deaths that are meant to be important to the characters themselves? You're unlikely to get a moment of horror or shock or fear at the sight of a dead body before them. Even Omega is given a weapon strong enough to kill, and she uses it on a clone no more then 15 feet away from her. We get more commentary on Crosshair leaving (not even almost killing them, just leaving) than we do on her apparently killing multiple people.

I don't have a smooth ending for this, this is more of an observation or anything. But the discomfort with the dark-violence of Andor? I think that was folks wishing the characters would move on from mass death and violence the way other characters have for years. They don't want to be disturbed.

[foreignswaggersession]

there are definitely iwtv fans who love acting like they care about racism when it comes to fictional characters, but have no issue with being condescending towards actual black and south asian people in this fandom.

Btw making "brown man has mid dick" jokes to prop up lestat is also clownery and it's even more stupid how some people would choose to double down on it after hearing about why it's degrading and uncomfortable. like i couldn't believe the bullshit i was reading from some of these so called "fandom anti racists", but they're clearly not mature enough for this discussion.

sorry for taking so long to respond anon - i wanted to make the posts with screenshots first so i could show my work and not be accused of merely reaching to support my ship. i think most the condescension from these fans comes from their selective memory of the show as filtered through their long-held headcanons, and i wanted to respond by citing the show itself. the fans started claiming louis was never attracted to armand as plainly evident, when the show clearly says the exact opposite, repeatedly. i watched the "armand has mid dick" joke/theory develop in real time and snowball within the pro-louis section of the fandom. it got twisted up in the 'louis hates topping' + 'lestat's dick is uniquely amazing' + 'armand can't satisfy louis' takes, all of which i disagree with. i understand your discomfort anon, it's part of why i started posting in the fandom - 'louis only wants pink dick' also became a thing this season and it broke me (louis didn't get it up for jonah while eating rats for y'all to act like pink dick does anything for him but sure, believe what you want).

to give some credit, i think some of these fans you're talking about started making these 'jokes' in reaction to the overwhelming (and undeserved) sympathy towards armand that dominated the fandom at the time (probably still does tbh). it's fair to point out that armand is not just any brown man but is in fact an extremely manipulative abuser who threatened to kill louis, set him and his family up to get killed, killed his daughter/sister, lied to him about it for years, sadistically let him suffer after a suicide attempt he instigated, erased that memory and covered THAT up for years, and to also suggest that those acts negatively affected louis's attraction to him. and yeah, i too am tired of reading takes about how loving armand was (girl when?) and how louis wasn't nice enough to him 🙄. that said, armand is attractive as fuck in universe and in our reality, so it's weird to pretend louis would not be attracted to him, despite his off-putting nature (see season 1).

most importantly, louis's desire for armand is a key plot point essential to the breakdown of his and claudia's relationship. claudia didn't say "picked another one over me" and "you were lestat's, now you're armand's" out of ignorance - she understands louis better than anyone. it's wishful thinking to suggest that louis suffered in silence for claudia through eps 11 and 13 and only stayed with armand for 70+ years to protect claudia/punish lestat and no other reason. it would have been really great if louis kept his commitment to claudia, probably would have saved several lives...alas, tragedy.

like i keep saying, just say you don't see the chemistry in / can't support loumand, or prefer the chemistry / want to support loustat. but claiming that louis never fell in love with armand prior to claudia's murder - that just is not supported by the show's text.

just fyi, i think saintarmand has a great answer to a similar ask, so i will also refer you to her response here.

[bubuslutty]

You're upset, darling?

pairing: platonic gn!reader x ghost x soap x price

word count: 1.4k

tags: angst with comfort, depression, episodes, no use of y/n, 3rd person pov, reader is mostly refered to as darling + they/them pronouns

warning: mention of suicide, not in detail tho but still (let me know if I missed anything)

summary: 141's darling has episodes where they feel like shit and how they spend their day in the base with those feelings, and how the guys comfort them.

a/n: I wanted to add könig, horangi and gaz but I was too tired to keep writing so I only wrote abt these three. this is very much based on my personal experience. I'm also undiagnosed so I might not use certain terms.

Sometimes 141's darling has days where they're down and very upset. It's normal, they think, everyone must have days where they don't feel entirely themselves, right? it's totally normal and very human, they believe.

At first, when they were upset, nobody would notice, because no matter how they felt, they always did the same things as they always do, if not a bit slower than usual.

They would shower, groom their hair, wash their clothes, clean their room and attend all activities with the other guys. They would even sleep their full hours, uninterrupted, and finish all of their food, rarely missing a meal.

But all of that feels robotic. An attempt to seem normal, to seem fine. When in reality, they feel gray on the inside. Dead. a walking corpse. A heaviness that settles in their chest like a rock. Sitting there, unmoving.

And more often than not, they wouldn't know why they're so upset, so down and dead and just not themselves. They might as well be in a coma because nothing feels real during those days.

Then they would be forgetful, less talkative, and their face would drop, drained out of any light and animated expressions they usually wear. They would laugh along to jokes that aren't even funny, to keep anyone from noticing that there's something wrong, that they're wrong.

But they couldn't keep having their episodes unnoticed. They're not sure who noticed first, out of 141, but they do remember how Soap would look at them. How even when he's talking and laughing loudly, he would glance at them, to study their reaction and face. But he wouldn't say anything, not yet at least.

He would then drag them with him as much as he can, and not necessarily make them speak, because he notices their silence, and the discomfort that would appear in their face when they're made to speak and actively participate in a conversation when they're not obligated to. He would fill in the space, with his chatter, but it would not be as loud, softer, a comforting murmur, a nice sound to focus on when they can't make themselves stop falling inside their head.

And then darling would lean against his side when they're sitting down and he's sketching on his knees, still talking and filling in the air. And he would wrap an arm around them and squeeze, his body heat comforting and welcome in those gray days. And when darling has to be somewhere without Soap, he would give them a much needed tight hug, all warm and big and long and soft.

"You'll be alright."

They find themselves hanging out with the 141 guys more often during their episodes. And Ghost is no exception. No matter what anyone says about the man's personality, whether he's cold hearted, emotionally unavailable or just straight out a bastard, they would never get it right, never, nobody knows him as much as he knows himself. But he does let out bits and pieces of himself to his mates. Because he trusts them.

Darling would be sitting next to Ghost, without saying a single word while he's cleaning his guns in similar silence. The only sound that could be heard is their breathing and Ghost's hands working on cleaning his weapons. But then darling did break their silence once, they don't know what urged them to open their mouth and speak, but they did.

"Thank you for being my friend."

Ghost's hands froze, and he just kept staring down at his guns when he lifted his head and looked to the side at the sergeant sitting next to him.

"Sergeant, are you suicidal?"

Darling was slightly taken back by the bold question. But that was Ghost for you. Asking direct questions when it mattered. Darling didn't take offense to his question but simply shook their head, "Negative, sir."

Ghost kept staring at them silently and reached out for their hand, gripping it and squeezing it in his gloved hands. Darling smiled a bit and didn't say anything after that, nor did Ghost.

Darling doesn't know if their words freaked their lieutenant out or not, but he did mention their very short conversation to their captain, John Price.

"Sergeant, I need you in my office, now."

Darling was a bit confused, raking their mind over any mistakes they did, or said anything wrong to anybody. And were even more confused when they couldn't think of anything they've done.

"You're not in trouble." John said as soon as they entered his office and sank down on the chair in front of his desk. Darling fidgeted with their fingers, unable to just sit still under Price's gaze.

John Price was the only man on base that Darling disliked interacting with during their episodes while simultaneously yearning for his attention and approval. His eyes could see everything, he knew everything.

They didn't like to be weak in front of Price. They don't like how easy it is for him to see and understand them. Even if it is one of the most relieving feelings in the world. It was scary. To face a man who could read you and so easily pin your vulnerabilities.

"Lieutenant Ghost told me what you said earlier today. He's worried about you and wanted me to check on you." Price said, arms crossed and leaning against his desk, staring down at them with a steady gaze.

He went straight to the point, no wasting time or breath.

Darling opened and immediately closed their mouth, unable to form a sentence or pick what to say, their mind was reeling and they had the urge to just spill everything to the man.

He does that to them, makes them want to lay out everything they are and stand naked in front of him and let him see every scar, every mole, every dip, every swell and every pore.

"Talk to me, honey." He said, so gently when he kneeled next to them, that it choked up Darling's throat.

Their eyes immediately blurred with tears, their breathing picking up and now heaving, struggling to breath.

"Breathe, aye?" Price said.

And it was as simple as that. Breathing. Breathing for their captain.

He wanted them to breathe? They will, with no question.

They're not sure if it's just his rank that makes them more obedient, more willing to obey and trust blindly. But they're too afraid to think too much about it. They're afraid they'll find a hidden layer under it.

"I- I feel useless. I feel lost and confused. I feel sick in my heart. I'm not happy, and I don't know why. And I want to be happy, to not feel like I'm not myself anymore. I want to feel good. I want to be good."

And just like that they spilled like an overflowing glass of milk.

Price's gaze softened even more, and he placed a big rough warm hand on their thigh, "Darling," He said and their heart jumped in their chest.

"With all due respect, you're not useless. If you were, I'm scared to think of what that would make us." He said, voice all deep and warm.

Darling cracked a small smile, looking at him with their hands on their lap and staring at him with big eyes, shiny and begging for praise and reassurance.

"You're more than enough, love. It's alright to feel like shite, but what's not alright is you keeping your hurt to yourself and making yourself sick with it. Talk to me, talk to us, you're safe. You're safe and good. You're so good."

A tear spilled down their cheek, staring at Price with their heart beating faster than a horse in their chest, their body heating up and feeling all warm and fuzzy and so loved they could suffocate with it.

"Come here." Price said before dragging his sergeant by the arms to engulf them in a big warm hug. His scratchy beard was pressed against their temple. But they didn't mind. Their captain smelled like cologne, mint and tobacco, but they didn't mind either. His grip on their body was tight, but they also didn't mind. Because their captain was good, solid, a constant force, safe and warm and understanding.

And that heavy stone that lodged in their chest was finally lifted and they could breathe again. They know this won't somehow heal them. To think so would be foolish and a joke. But this felt good nonetheless.

Their captain knows they will have their episodes, maybe not as often, maybe more often, who knows. But what he does know is that he'll set up a private therapist for them. And he'll make sure to remind Darling that they're part of 141. They're part of them, and they don't have to act as if they're fine, it's okay to be vulnerable, because they'll protect them, keep them safe from bad thoughts just like how they protect them from bloodthirsty enemies and bullets.

[esta-elavaris]

OKAY so I genuinely cannot start writing this in earnest without a hell of a lot of planning, buuuuut...I wrote part one in the meantime. Just to get a feel of the thing (🤡🤡🤡) so bone apple tea! Only posting it on here, I won't post it on AO3 until I'm fully ready to go.

Credit goes to @bumblingbriars for giving me the idea of "wait, what if James was the modern one and Theodora was the character in the movies?" -- thank you for this but also how dare you.

Dividers by cafekitsune.

As It Was

None of the tales ever spoke of the fear. Why did they never speak of the fear?

It was a stupid question. Theodora knew why. Because it didn’t make for a very good story, did it? People wanted to hear of the bold heroes who defeated the monsters with little more than a smile and the strength of their own two arms. Who wanted to be regaled with stories of stupid women on suicide missions for philandering pirates? No, she wasn’t the hero of this story. She was a cautionary tale. That was all her death would amount to.

Clenching her teeth against furious tears, she doused Jack’s hands in the oil from the lamp, and then held firm to the shackles as he slid his hands free of them. They were the only two left aboard the Pearl…and it was looking like they’d be going down with it.

“You shouldn’t have stayed, darlin’,” he said.

There was a mournfulness to his dark eyes that she’d never seen before. Even now, here, at the end, he couldn’t pretend any more than she could that her death mightn’t be a waste. That it was anything more than an idiot dying for the sake of an unrequited crush.

“Too late now,” she ground out, following it up with a very forced, very strained laugh.

Because if she stopped clenching her jaw, she would definitely begin to sob. And that was the only thing here that could be more pathetic.

“Too late now,” Jack agreed, a bitter smile on his face.

Each second seemed to stretch into an eternity – was that natural, when death was certain and unavoidable? It was supposed to come with a sense of peace, was it not? Of calm? Her father had always said…god, her father. How would he even find out, back in Port Royal? He’d never forgive her for this. It was that thought that had her vision blurring.

Around them, deceptively soft splashes sounded here and there, out of place with how the water usually lapped at the sides of the ship, followed by stomach-churning slick noises…that of the kraken’s appendages. Theo took a deep, shuddering breath in. Too late now.

When she looked at Jack again, searching for words – although she knew not which ones, exactly – she found him forcing a smile. Then, instead of stepping back as she’d expected, he stepped forward. Her eyes closed on instinct as he kissed her, time slowed further still, and she felt…she felt nothing. No breathlessness, no swelling in her chest, no weakness in her knees. Nothing like Elizabeth ever described when it came to Will. Only the scratch of his moustache, the way the beads in his beard clacked against her chin, and the discomfort at the awkward angle of how she’d leaned in.

They parted, and when she opened her eyes, she found Jack watching her, that sadness back on his face again. No joking admonishments at her lack of any reaction, no over-the-top exaggerations at how his prowess had just gone clearly unappreciated. Nothing. Just sorrow. But it was quickly covered by yet another forced smile.

“Come on, darlin,” he drew his sword. “Best have a bit of flair about it, eh?”

Well. She could agree with that, at least. Theo drew her own sword, and took a deep breath in.

There were many things that James actually enjoyed about living with his younger sister…although admitting that to her would be nothing short of a fatality. But Phoebe was a rather good flatmate. She picked up after herself, she didn’t throw parties, and she added life to a flat that would otherwise be rather dead during the times when he was actually in it.

One habit of hers, however, that he could do without was her burning desire to watch the same films over and over again, with scarcely an hour between repeats. It was cyclical, more often than not. Winter belonged to Middle-earth, spring to whatever was newly landed on her radar, and summer – which they were suffering through now – was Pirates of the Caribbean territory. One month in, and he was just about ready to set about his eyeballs with a spoon. Anything to make it stop.

At present, she sat on the sofa across the other side of the room while he pottered about the kitchen, watching enraptured as the redhead on screen turned with teary eyes, side-by-side with Jack Sparrow, to face the kraken that would soon devour them both, the music swelling dramatically as they lifted their swords.

“What I don’t understand is why she had to die,” he said unthinkingly.

And instantly regretted it when Phoebe turned with a grin.

“Ha! You’re getting into it now!”

“If you’re going to insist on watching the damn things ten times a week, I can’t be blamed for noticing bits of them,” he replied sourly, leaning on the countertop. “But they bring him back in the next film, don’t they? Why not her, too?”

“The movie-verse explanation is that she was at peace.”

“Dying for a man who could barely pat her on the head in thanks? Oh, yes, very peaceful. Positively euphoric.”

Curiosity sated, albeit not in a particularly satisfying manner, he straightened and resumed the arduous process of deciding whether he’d be having cereal or real food for dinner.

“Yes. Well,” Phoebe turned her face back to the television, distractedly watching as the kraken devoured the Black Pearl, “the boring explanation is that the actress had a nasty accident just before filming started for the next one, and her bones wouldn’t heal in time for all of the stunts and so on. They had to write her out.”

That made marginally more sense, at least.

“…Much to your disappointment, I suspect,” she added smugly.

“Excuse me?” he raised an eyebrow at her.

“I saw you googling her earlier.”

“I thought I recognised her from something else.”

The fact that his cheeks blazed almost immediately did little to help his argument, but he took some comfort in knowing she was one of the few who could wrench such a reaction from him. If any of his brothers-in-arms could see it, they’d never let him hear the end of it.

“If you say so,” came her smug response.

“And she…emotes rather impressively,” he added.

“Is that what they call it these days?”

James scoffed his disgust…and then he settled on cereal. That would get him out from his sister’s far too knowing gaze much more quickly. But he’d miss it, he knew, next time he deployed.

[afreakingdork]

Weak Spot - Chapter 65

RotTMNT Donatello x Reader

The previous chapter art was removed 4/30/2024, but Donnie didn't fret too much because he's depicted in this awesome new chapter art as of 9/2/2024 by @unknownfanartist

Warnings: Aged-up Turtles, Romance, Meet Cute, Villain Donatello, Cussing, Crushes, Xenophobia, Fear, Intimidation, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Hurt/Comfort, Love, AFAB Reader, Vaginal Sex, Sex Rough, Sex, Penis In Vagina Sex, Creampie, Teasing, Scent Kink, Sexual Tension, Breeding Kink, Multiple Orgasms, Cunnilingus, Fellatio, Marathon Sex, Somnophilia, Bondage, Feral Behavior, Feral Donatello, Mating Cycles/In Heat, Public Sex, Dom Donnie, Human/Turtle Relationships, Turtle Noises, Roleplay, Sexual Roleplay

Synopsis:  A love story of villainous proportions! Though it hadn’t come easily, as these things rarely do, you found yourself in a whirlwind romance with a handsome and mysterious mutant. His idiosyncrasies had been easy to ignore as attraction grew into something more. However, will love endure when the unknowns about him end up being far darker than you ever considered?

Also available on Ao3

First 💜 Previous

When Donnie had come to around day nine, it had been while you were both resting. He’d breathed deeply upon his returned consciousness and found you lazing by his side. No emergency to attend to, you’d both been slow to catch up. Lounging until the prolonged grime on his skin forced him to the shower, the cock sleeve had been a relative success with only minor discomfort. Adjustments for next year were plotted and you exited, leaving the nest and all else behind for the time being. 

Though you didn’t see them, there’d been the sensation of eyes on your way out of the skyscraper that you patently ignored. Leaving in the same clothes you arrived in, Donnie’s car waited for you at the curb and it was once you were settled that he slid an envelope across the seat. Taking it to open at a snail’s pace, you found a spa voucher inside and sent Donnie a wry look.

“The one you never received.” He said simply.

“What about you?” You waved the single pass. “Wasn’t it a couple’s bit?”

“I have the wherewithal, but not the control necessary to deal with a single more touch then I have already.” His expression tipped unhinged.

“Noted.” You couldn’t help, but smile.

“That said…” He looked out the window. “What I feel is difficult to describe.”

You knew it well.

Even with an entire backseat between you, you felt connected.

A being that had melted into one, the hive mind allowed you to sit in separate bodies. 

“Settled.” He spoke, trying to name it.

“Meaning you’ll be okay without me.” You hummed.

“’Without’ isn’t the right verbiage…” He struggled and brought his gaze over to you.

“Love you.” You didn’t know either, but that was the closest approximation.

He returned the sentiment with a smile and you drove to the spa. Not even kissing goodbye, you felt no lesser as you entered the building and watched him idle until you were situated. Taken back, you got scrubbed clean, bathed in all matter of creams and oils, and rubbed down until you were actual putty, you barely remembered emerging.

The car was there once again and you rode home to promptly pass out in your own bed.

You awoke, bright and rested for a Wednesday and work. It felt odd going right back after what had transpired, but you couldn’t shake the feeling that everything was right in the world. You hadn’t been overtaxed and you figured it was latent concerns causing you phantom anxiety. The last time had been such a nightmare that your body was ready for a drop even though the ride had concluded.

It took you on an otherwise usual hump day where a few of your coworkers mentioned your glow and asked for a referral to your health retreat. Barely able to keep a joke about assigning out mutant boyfriends, you utilized distraction and got by without ever having to name a place. Your week ran through with easy evenings in the presence of your partner. Space was utilized in a physical sense, but you felt no distance for it. Your hearts beat in time and you held the feeling close like a warm mug. It was in this happy stupor that you approved your weekend with S.H.E.L.L.D.O.N.

You loved S.H.E.L.L.D.O.N.

You really did.

Going over to his apartment had felt exactly like a parent’s trip. You joked about examining his space to make sure he was doing well on his own and he teased right back about how he’d paid his first water bill. You’d taken it in stride until you found that he had spoken the truth since the tap shook and sputtered to life after what had to be years of disuse. It made sense considering his body and it wasn’t until later that you realized that was your foreshadowing.

As much as your son was your own, he also patently wasn’t human and had no need for sleep. It had been fine the first night, you’d ran an hours long conversation simply catching up on everything. Then came the weary early hours of the morning and S.H.E.L.L.D.O.N. seemed none the wiser to start a new activity. Starting with a child’s board game, he revealed a stack that would have escalating age ranges and play times you could barely fathom.

You reminded him you needed to sleep and he allowed you several hours before his restlessness woke you up.

He had a list to get through and his child-like excitement prevailed. You moved without an ounce of comparable energy and tried to be there for him. It came with withering mental fortitude and you falling back on ploys from movies. Joking about playing the quiet game, S.H.E.L.L.D.O.N. almost fell for it. A quick, instantaneous online search caused him to evade with a simple, “Nice try!”

Foiled, you went from playing catch to giving a driving lesson. The latter of which rattled you not because S.H.E.L.L.D.O.N. was bad, but because his judgment time exceeded yours. He operated the vehicle on a higher level, only restrained by traffic laws. Those downloaded to his memory banks, he drove at the top allowable speed while swerving in and out of traffic. He stopped only when necessary and though you were wholly safe, the exchange had occurred with nearly a thousand close calls and almost had you kissing the repulsive New York sidewalk when you parked to get celebratory ice cream.

You bought him extra sprinkles to match the stars in his eyes.

Saturday night gave you another pitifully short stint of sleep. You thought S.H.E.L.L.D.O.N. would relent at some point based on your health, but he must have been pulling readings because he was undeterred. It was only when your lids were shutting against your control did he offer you a few hours of respite and only that was, in his words, the most he could do since he’d already had to cut quite a large chunk of activities off his list.

You’d berated him for planning it without taking rest into account, but he simply pouted.

He had guilt down to a science and you stepped up your parenting on Sunday. No matter how short, sleep helped get your mind right and you’d set the automaton down for a stern talking to. He’d taken it all with wide eyes and only when you asked if he understood did he animate with abject joy. He revealed he’d been pushing your buttons to get his first real familial punishment and you’d put him in a corner to think about what he’d done.

His spirit unbreakable, he’d come away from his time-out with an even bigger grin. There was no way to reprimand him, but at the same time his happiness was infectious. Nothing could get him down and, in a way, you were proud of him for that. Something more like awe, you’d hugged him and he accepted it with popping questions as to what you were feeling. All new to him, you told him truthfully that he was sucking the last of your soul out more than a giant feral mutant man and S.H.E.L.L.D.O.N. had been concise in his response.

“Yeah, that’s just kids.”

You attempted a useless chokehold that he broke out of with a complaint of how that was for siblings. You asked what he knew about that and his momentary processing gave you enough time to noogie him. He laughed all the while and allowed you a lazy movie marathon for the rest of your time with him. A few films down and you were spent. You put a few plans on the books to see each other soon and then you headed home. 

Upon entering your apartment Sunday night, you vaguely registered Donnie startle at your appearance, but you saw little else as you walked straight into the bedroom and collapsed.

Donnie followed after and you felt him appraising the exhaustion so you gave him a reassuring thumbs up.

He chuckled. “You chose this.”

You freed your mouth from your pillow. “You need to spend more time with your son.”

“My son?” He sounded like he’d crossed back into the living room. “After I drafted up adoption paperwork for you both?”

“Oh, I’ll still sign, but I’m new. I’m one set of firsts. He wants you. He’ll always want that approval from you.”

The quiet that followed sounded like one that caught Donnie with something to think about.

You kicked off some excess layers and tucked yourself in. Figuring you were clean enough, you went right to sleep in a desperate attempt to catch up. You vaguely registered when Donnie joined you and sort of believed you’d earned a peck to the forehead, not that you responded. It was in a dark, lifeless place that you went to recover from your parenting crash course and where purple came to retrieve you.

It appeared like a sudden flash and you were bathed in it.

You turned in your submerging, but didn’t feel anything tangible around you.

Your eyes moved beneath your lids to make sense of it when a wet gasp came.

“No.”

The whisper was like a curse, but the purple held you back.

“No, no, no…!”

Horror was outpouring next.

Something was wrong, you screamed against your lax body.

You needed to do something.

Purple refused to let go.

Purple had your limbs.

Purple locked you up.

“Stop!”

It was a desperate plea.

Not yours.

Not yours.

Then the lights turned off.

Silence followed.

Your eyes opened.

They hadn’t been open.

You saw Donnie’s side of the bed.

It was emptier than just the absence of his form.

You reached out with twitching fingers and felt his body heat.

He’d just been there.

Bathroom?

You turned to look and found the door open and dark.

The kitchen was similarly so, but there was also something off about it.

Fighting against exhaustion with every fiber of your being, you sat up and saw what was missing.

Just over the hump of Donnie’s side of the bed was a shape of purple linen.

You crawled across his rapidly cooling space to find his pillow had fallen to the wayside. Picking it up with a stretch, it too was warm and you held it close as you traced the ground. The sheets had been dragged sharply down his side of the bed and a bit of a blanket brushed the floor. Feet hitting the ground, you held the pillow close as you followed where the cotton pointed.

You saw the dresser directly in front of you had been jarred and was sitting off kilter from its usual flush against the wall. From there it was past the partition and Donnie’s desk chair had been shoved across the room. The couch was then sitting at a similar canted angle as the dresser and, with that, you were close enough to see the kitchen.

The window was wide open.

Night sky poured in and the moonlight appeared tangible.

You stepped into the pale white light with Donnie’s pillow held close.

You heard a crash of metal that startled you a few steps back.

Nothing more came.

You saw no debris.

There was no more sound.

It was simply as if something huge had landed on the fire escape.

Raph.

You didn’t know why you thought it, but you were sure as you left the pillow on the counter and climbed out the window.

Landing on the metal with bare feet stung, but you ignored it for an immediate ascension.

Any of the turtles could have made that noise, you reminded yourself.

They could all leap buildings or something to that extent.

That super human ability then extended to all mutants and yokai and you were climbing at a faster rate. 

The escape rattled around you like a cage and you heard a frantic shout.

“Get back!!!”

Head shooting upward, you saw a dance of purple lights.

Donnie.

It had been Donnie’s ninpo that had come to you in your sleep. 

It had been Donnie who shouted a warning. 

Donnie’s ninpo was active now. 

Was there an emergency?

Was S.H.E.L.L.D.O.N. on his way?

Your gauntlet hadn’t moved.

Nothing had moved.

Was going up to help safe?

What was the protocol?

You had a set of them in place for danger, didn’t you?

You were still taking steps.

One at a monotonous time, you scaled the stories until you were nearing the top.

A blinding flash of red glowed like an omen.

It was Raph.

You were moving faster and the escape fought against you.

It wanted to protect you, you thought.

You had someone else to protect, you responded.

“Woah, woah…” Raph’s voice appeared gentle and soothing.

“I’ll slaughter you!!!” Donnie snarled in reply.

“No, you ain’t. You’re alright…”

“No, I’m not!! They’re coming!! They’re-!!!”

“Who’s coming? Who’s here beside us…?”

“That’s-!!!” You heard fretful steps pace.

You had stopped.

You hadn’t taken a step of your own since you’d heard Raph’s voice.

Donnie and him were on the roof.

Why?

“Donatello-”

“I TOLD YOU TO GET BACK!!!”

“I haven’t moved! Hands up. See? You see me?”

You inched up a step and counted seven more to the top.

You took the first as slow and quietly as you could.

“That doesn’t make sense. I saw. I saw them. They-!”

“It’s just us.” Raph cut through. “I felt your call and came. When I got here, you were already up here and I took a sec to pop my head into your place. Y/N was sleeping. It’s just you and now me.”

“Y/N-!!” Purple shot out like a spotlight.

“Is safe in bed!!” Raph pleaded and more red came to twist a heated mix in the sky. “Donatello, you need to calm down! I think you had a-!”

“CALM DOWN!?” Donnie screamed and you heard a thousand guns cock.

You dropped down and pressed against the building on reflex.

“DON’T YOU DARE SPEAK TO ME THAT WAY!”

“DONATELLO!!!” Raph unleashed one of his sonic roars.

You shrank as small as your body would allow to protect yourself from the fallout.

You counted.

Each second would be a bullet.

Only none were fired.

It was quiet.

You lifted your head and peered up to find the same purple and red curling over the top lip of the building.

“Had what?” Donnie’s voice came dangerously small.

“H-huh?” Raph fumbled. 

“You said…” Donnie wheezed. “You said you thought I had… what?”

It took Raph a second and you could envision the light bulb going off for him. “A nightmare… I think you had a nightmare.”

There was another bout of silence and you inched up another step.

Raph went on. “I don’t sense any other mystic energy. There’s no evidence of anyone else. No scent. No trail.”

Even the wind was still to listen in.

“It’s just us.” There was a skip in Raph’s words that made you think he was lowering his arm. “Just us.”

You saw red dim.

“Y/N… is…?”

“In bed. Sleeping, looked like.”

“I had…” Donnie took his own moment and you could see him processing. “I haven’t had one in years… It felt…!”

“Real?” Raph’s voice held weight. “Yeah… I know those.”

“What would you-!?” Donnie cut himself off. “You…!”

You made quick work of the next three steps.  

There were two more.

“I get ‘em. Mine are from the Krang possession. They get me again and this time I don’t break free. I do… terrible things.” Raph explained.

Purple tapered off.

“Not just me, there’s Leo. His are the worst. Impossible to pin him down when he’s freaking out cause he’ll portal hop, but even if he doesn't then there’s the swords…”

Raph had a wet laugh.

“Plus trying to calm someone when your color happens to be the same damn one as your greatest enemies’ eyes?”

The roof was darkening to a level you’d expect for a moonlit night.

Raph’s voice moved. “Mike had sleep paralysis, but he also flies in his sleep sometimes… That was-”

Raph cleared his throat and you used the sound as cover to take the last two steps.

“Doesn’t matter.” Raph decided. “Point is, they fucking suck.”

“I did not call you.” Donnie finally spoke. 

“Ya did.” Raph had a knowing weight to his voice.

“I refuse to play some verbal game.”

“It’s not a game; it’s a fact. It’s your ninpo. You sent off an alarm bell. You’re in a group chat now whether you like it or not and you called us.”

You’d seen that.

In a memory, you saw each of the turtle’s eyes light up in their respective colors.

“Why you? Why would you come? Why not another? Why would any of you!?”

There was silence and you peered over the lip of the building.

On the far side of the roof, Raph was standing with his spiky shell to you. His shorts dangled almost as baggy as his tail and spoke of lounging. You didn’t see Donnie at first, but a study of the roof found a glimpse of his darker green skin peeking out from between Raph’s limbs.  

Raph’s arm came up and he rubbed his eyes. 

You felt like you’d ventured upon a cut scene.

Raph took a few tired steps to the side before he spun to sit. It leaned his shell against the roof’s eave and he stretched one leg in front where the other stood at folded attention. He’d picked a calculated distance from Donnie who was now revealed to you. Your mate looked haggard from where he’d been ripped from sleep and he was currently pressed small to the far corner of the roof. With his legs folded up in defense against his body, he eyed Raph as if ready to lash out.

He didn’t have his battle shell. 

He had little more than his wraps and sweatpants. 

Instinct to protect your boyfriend flared and you were about to jump onto the roof and cover him when Raph spoke small and withered.

“You called.”

It disarmed you and Donnie in two words.

“The others were asleep. The warning’ll wake ya after a minute, but not right away” Raph went on, getting a little of himself back in the process. “I was up. I answered”

Donnie held his legs tight and studied the roof for a moment before looking toward the bigger turtle.

It was a little too far to see, but something must have been on Donnie’s face.

“Nothing bad.” Raph shrugged. “It’s hard to sleep sometimes. Not always a big thing. Sometimes you got a statewide tourney coming up and the kids are ready, but you worry and dad’s sugar’s off and he’s not checking, then you got a brother, back from mental vacation, doing the most to make up for lost time…”

Donnie’s chin landed on his knees.

In contrast, your brow wrinkled. 

That last part must be referring to Leo. 

That meant Leo was similarly trying to pack in missing years just like S.H.E.L.L.D.O.N. was.

 You disliked that similarity.

“Fresh air does me good.” Raph nodded before he thought. “Or as close as I can get. City’n all!” He chuckled.

Donnie watched him.

“Your nightmare. It wasn’t…?” Raph struggled with his words and kept his gaze away.

Donnie’s head tilted.

With a chuff, Raph turned to him with an expression that begged understanding.

“Not about any of you.” Donnie spoke matter-of-factly.

Raph bobbed, pleased with the answer, but tried not to show it. “Good. That’s good.”

Donnie’s pupils plummeted.

Raph went a certain amount of slack and looked up at the sky.

Donnie’s gaze narrowed and then he hesitated before speaking. “I… was pursued for many years when I was young.”

Raph’s eyes went wide and his head lolled to Donnie. “Hey… you don’t have to tell me.”

Donnie looked on.

“I’m not trying to repeat history, remember? I’m not against it, let’s start with that. I’m all ears… or not since…” Raph shrugged a little sheepishly in reference to their tympanum. “I’m saying I want to hear if you’re willing, but don’t feel like you gotta.”

Donnie nodded once. “Noted.”

Raph didn’t seem sure what to do with that response. “So… yeah…”

“I’ll continue. My choice.” Donnie spoke with a clinical edge. 

Raph nodded, ready. 

“The visions were intangible, in a sense. When I was young I was pursued by police and hired hands alike, but they’ve lost distinction with age.”

Raph’s chest lifted with what you saw as pride to be privy to this.

“I dreamed little when I was younger in the Hidden City. No time when one is on constant edge. Threat of capture was omnipresent. When I came topside, there wasn’t time. So much to do. Sleep was a hindrance and drugs both helped and harmed bringing with them side effects I could not control.” Donnie seemed unable to stop the words tumbling out.

You leaned heavily into the brick and debated leaving.

This was their moment.

Not yours.

Everything was alright.

“Paranoia.” Donnie spoke haunted. “Hallucinations.” 

“Drugs’ll do that.” Raph murmured.

Donnie’s head was slow to nod. “Why now? I haven’t had a nightmare in years.”

“Anything worrying ya?” Raph chanced.

Donnie jolted a little.

Raph’s lids fell in a knowing way.

Donnie threw his head up, irritated. “I am planning something-“ Thinking better, Donnie flicked his gaze to correct himself. “-something that will not violate your bastardized code, something you will presumably congratulate. Regardless… I suppose… It has been taxing my mind, but not in such a way that should trigger an event such as this.”

Raph openly thought. 

“The only outlier I know of.” Donnie cracked his neck. 

Raph was still evaluating how he felt about the ambiguity. “Stress is weird. All those worries can connect in the noggin.”

“You refer to immediate memory recall.”

“Huh?”

Donnie huffed. “Over-secretion of stress hormones interferes with long term memory recollection, but can enhance short-term based on relative memory storage areas of the brain.”

Raph blinked at him, obviously not getting it.

“I simplified.” Donnie complained.

Raph shook his head. “Not that… I mean yes that, because yeah sure, that happens, but that seems positive but I was talking more how stress messes with memory.”

Donnie gaped.

“I don’t know the fancy brain labels, but basically PTSD or things like that that deal with stress can cause memories to pop up that aren’t related cause the connections are off.”

“You’re suggesting hippocampus-dependent modulation of extrahippocampal memories?” Donnie stared.

“I guess?” Raph gave a snaggle-toothed grin. “That’s how it was explained to me. It was called… uh… inappropriate response?”

“Inappropriate response scenarios…” Donnie’s gaze darted as if he were filing through academic papers. “Fascinating.”

Raph kept his grin as he watched.

“What else do you know?” Donnie zeroed in on the other as if ready to pick him apart.

Raph gave an awkward chuckle. “Uh… like our personal experience? I just know what we dealt with and how we figured out what to do.”

“With what exactly?” Donnie unfurled.

“Krang.” Raph swallowed hard.

Donnie looked away, feeling the same discomfort.

“Being too young when everything went down with bad guys and… well… you…”

“I did not know you were possessed.” Donnie spoke softly.

You didn’t read it as a deference and neither did Raph. “Yeah… Covered my entire upper body… arms… and half my head… Took the same side as the one you hit me with the acid. Went from damaged to fully blind.” Raph pointed to his bad eye. 

For the first time, you saw Donnie show a guilt over what he’d done.

“The injuries were one thing, but losing control of myself…” Raph looked at his hands before he squeezed them into fists. “Been hypnotized and I’ll take that any day.”

You watched Donnie breathe for several seconds. “I was not… possessed, but my battle was a losing one. I nearly succumbed several times. I felt the bodily infiltration.”

“Yeah?” Raph looked over.

Donnie held out his own arms. “I have a high tolerance for electrocution. Born of terrible circumstance, it’s the only thing that kept me alive and unturned. Electroshock ousted them from my system.”

“That’s a way to combat it?” Raph’s brow ridge rose. 

“For extremities, it worked. I witnessed the hyphae spasm when shocked. If they were to entwine with the brain then such a contraction would render the host dead if the current already did not do them in.”

“Ah…”

Donnie gave a solemn nod. 

“That kind of tolerance, what…?” Raph readied himself. 

A gnat shot into your nose and you made the slightest sharpened exhale to keep from gagging.

Both men snapped their gaze to you.

It occurred to you then that you had meant to leave.

You stared in return and shrank the slightest amount.

“Y/N!” Donnie was on his feet and moving.

“Uh… hey…” You rose up on shaky legs from where you’d been squatting too long.

He reached you and pressed his beak into your cheek.

“I’m sorry…” You leaned into him.

“Did I wake up?” He retreated enough to examine you.

“Kind of? I didn’t know what was happening, but I think the light of your ninpo started to. You were gone when I was all the way awake.”

“Apologies. You needed rest.”

“Donnie…”

He dipped down and scooped you up into his arms.

You relaxed against him. “I heard most of what happened. I heard Raph when he landed nearby so I came out here… I was worried… I didn’t mean to snoop… I’m sorry.”

“Saves time.” Donnie said simply as he walked you back over to where Raph was still sitting.

“Wait, what are you…?” You tensed with protest. 

Raph gave a wave.

“H-hey…” You were at Donnie’s mercy as he took his same seat with you in his lap.

Raph’s hand fell down onto his folded knee and in an open offer.

You placed your hand where it couldn’t encircle even one of his fingers. “I’m sorry to you too.”

Raph grinned, a fang poking out. “Nah, sounds like I scared you so I’m the sorry one.”

“I heard you checked on me.” You pursed your lips.

“Yeah, I musta caught you before ya got up.” Raph’s thumb came down to squeeze the whole of your hand.

You spread your fingers like your appendaged was squished even though he exerted no pressure.

“As you heard, Raphael and I were discussing the Krang Invasion.” Donnie seemed satisfied and looked to Raph. “You were elaborating on possession.”

“Hey, now. Ever think that could be a sensitive topic? I told you it caused me nightmares.” Raph had the slightest scold to him.

Donnie’s brow creased as that hadn’t occurred to him.

“You guys… aren’t mad for whatever reason, but should I… be here for this?” You move to give Donnie a worried gaze. “You apologized for keeping me up.”

Raph shrugged. “I don’t mind.”

“As I said, I won’t have to explain the occurrence twice.” Donnie rubbed your arm. “Your secondary point holds. The latent cortisol flooding…” Donnie’s lips wrinkled with slight amusement and he shared the joke with Raph. “… interfered with my short-term memory recollection.”

Raph gave a smarmy grin.

“Would you rather return to bed?” Donnie squeezed you with question.

“I want to stay.” You bumped your nose to the underside of his chin.

The start of a churr rolled out of him, but he silenced it with a chuff.

Raph whistled as if he wasn’t paying attention, though it made it more obvious he’d heard.  

Donnie gave him a lethal side-eye.

You snuggled closer to your boyfriend. “How long you guys planning to chat?”

Raph shrugged. “Adrenaline’s like coffee.”

“Cortisol.” Donnie corrected.

“For you or me?” Raph was unenthused.

Donnie considered the various chemicals.

“Do you need me?” You murmured.

Both men were quiet and Raph moved to speak first.

“I’m going out on a limb and saying ‘no.’ We may not need you, but we want you here.” Raph checked with Donnie.

You felt the way Donnie took the answer with a form of pride before looking down at the precious parcel of your body. “Quite.”

“Then I’ll stay.” You nuzzled Donnie and squeezed Raph’s digit. Both men allowed the moment of affection before going back to their discussion. Skirting horrors and keeping albeit difficult subject matter as clinical as they could, you listened to them talk about coping mechanisms and psychology that had been picked up both consciously and unconsciously until you drifted from the even keel of the discussion.

💜NEXT💜

Beta, beta, beta love! @tmntxthings and @thepinkpanther83

[applejuicefruit]

I LOVE YOUR WORK!!!

can i request kylian x reader where they met through common friends and kylian started dating her just to make his ex h jealous but reader has trust issues like she had a bad childhood (you can write anything you want like her parents were violent or she hurt herself you can choose) and she opens up to kylian but eventually she finds out he was just using her? no happy ending please!! thank you so much!

This was hard to write but somehow I made it!

kylian mbappe x reader

TW: violence, child abuse, domestic abuse, suicide

If you’re sensitive I recommend to skip this story, it contains strong topics!!

Why not me?

You have no idea how your best friend managed to get you both into a private party in Paris but somehow she did it. She was your best friend or, your only friend, it depended on points of view. You were just glad of having someone in your life again, after being alone for so many years you were thankful you found someone like her.

So here you were, both of you sitting on a black leather couch sipping champagne and eating some snacks while people danced around you. You never liked clubs or parties, they always made you so uncomfortable, too much alcohol, loud music, people dancing and sweating, it just wasn’t your thing but you made a sacrifice when she asked you to go with her to this exclusive club in Paris. It was actually really expensive and you still had no idea how she got free tickets. One moment you were both sitting there drinking and talking with each other and the next moment you saw her going towards someone you had no idea of who he was.

It all came to mind when you saw her speaking with the one and only Neymar. The way they were talking and the way he was holding her you knew something was going on with them. Not love probably, you knew how she acted when she was in love, but maybe lust and passion and simply attraction? As long as she’s happy and consensual, you’re happy too!

Just a few minutes later she introduced you to Neymar, who introduced you to the rest of the team. You were kinda started to feeling uncomfortable with all of those people so you excused yourself and left the dance floor.

“Not a fan of loud music?” a voice came behind you. It was the one and only Kylian Mbappè, the guy you met earlier.

“Not at all” you joked and he laughed too.

“Would you like to go somewhere calmer?” he asked and you had no idea of what to say. Yes you were attracted to him but still, you met him ten minutes ago and due to your past you never trusted people so easily.

“Like where?” you asked and he kinda sensed your discomfort.

“Around Paris? My place? Your place? Mc Donald?” he asked you laughing and you smiled at him.

“Paris sounds nice…” you said and he agreed. You simply texted your best friend telling her you had left with Kylian.

He took you around Paris and that night you became close friends. After a few weeks he confessed his love for you and you did the same, you fell in love with him the night you met but you were to scared to tell him.

You’ve been dating for three months now, not much but you were slowly getting to know each other. He was very patient with you and you were very grateful for.

He never pushed you to do anything you didn’t want and he always made sure you were safe. He really cared for you.

One day you were at his place, casually watching some TV while you were both laid on the couch. He noticed a long scar on the back of your neck but the didn’t want to say anything about it in case it made you uncomfortable but curiosity was killing him.

“Y/n can I ask you something?” he asked and you turned to face him.

“Sure”you simply replied.

“You’ve never told me about your past…you know everything about me and still I don’t know anything about you, like do you have siblings? Did you live all of your life here in Paris?” he asked and you tensed a bit. He didn’t mean to sound rude, he was right, he knew nothing about you while you even knew what was his brother’s favorite dish or his mum’s favorite color.

“I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable…” he apologised the moment he saw you weren’t answering.

“No it’s fine…no, I don’t have any siblings and I moved to Paris once I turned eighteen, right after high school…” you spoke, your eyes never meeting his “…I didn’t have…my parents were bad people, my whole family never cared…” you started to explain him but it was hard for you to find the right words without scaring him or sounding broken “…my dad cheated on my mum with his secretary and when my mom found out she went insane…she was never home, always spending my dad’s money in alcohol and when my dad found out he threw her out…that was the last time I saw her, she never came back looking for me…I thought I could be happy with my father but when his new girlfriend moved into our home things became worse…” you took a deep breath not knowing if you were ready to tell him the whole story “his new girlfriend tried to make my life a living hell, stealing money from his pocket and blaming me, breaking things in the house and blaming me, she didn’t want me there and she tried to kick me out and even if I tried to explain my dad what was going on he never believed me, always saying it was my fault and that I needed to behave…” you let a few tears fall but you quickly wiped them “when I was sixteen my dad got tired of the chaos going on in his house so he became more violent, only with me…I got used of being greeted by slaps instead of hugs and kisses but one night things got worse…I was just minding my business in the living room when suddenly he got home mad because his girlfriend stole his credits card while at work, he took all of his anger out on me…” you stopped a moment before continuing, it hurt you to remember “he punched me so hard I fainted twice…I remember screaming for help and even if the neighbours heard no one ever came…he threw a glass on my back, that’s the scar…I remember laying there all night in my own blood since the morning came, no one ever came to help me…it was to hard for me to stay there but I had nowhere to go…but after that night things seemed to be better, my dad used to get mad at me less times but still, when it happened it hurt so bad that I felt like dying was the only solution…” you showed Kylian the faded scars on your wrist and he looked at you with so much pain that you swore he almost felt guilty for everything you have been through.

“One night I tried to kill myself, only for my dad to find out and call and ambulance…but I really really wished I died that night…” you broke down crying and Kylian took you in his lap, his arms around your body keeping you close “I thought things got better when I moved here in Paris, I fell in love with a boy, Jack, he seemed nice and all but I made the mistake to trust him so much to telling him all of my story only to find out he told his friends and they joked about it everytime they saw me…they would say things like ‘try again, the second time is better’ or ‘broken girl, broken family, daddy issues’ they kept joking about it and Jack never stopped them. When I confronted about it he said it wasn’t a big deal and that some people got it worse…that night we broke up…I trusted him, I trusted him with telling him about my past and he simply didn’t care…” you looked at Kylian and he softly kissed your forehead “the only person who knows about it now it’s my best friend, she never judged me, never made jokes or laughed about it…and you now…” you finished and Kylian looked stunned.

“I wished I could have protected you…” he hugged you and held you close, leaving some kisses into your neck and collarbone “you’re too kind for this world, we don’t deserve you…” he said and you laughed.

Kylian held you close all night after you told him about your past, almost too scared you would break.

You were now five months into the relationship and you never felt so happy in your life.

You had the whole weekend planned since Kylian didn’t have any games and you were going to tell him your idea when you heard him speaking to someone on the phone. You knew you shouldn’t have listened but your instinct told you to stop and listen the whole conversation.

“I don’t know man…I don’t know what to do…” he said and even if you didn’t hear what the other person was saying you recognized Neymar’s voice immediately “I really care about her, I do…she’s nice and she takes care of me and I think I have feelings for her, fuck I really do have feelings for her but this wasn’t the plan…” he said and even if you were on the verge of tears you stopped and listened to what he was saying “I still love her, Iwanted to make Rose jealous, I wanted her to come back to me and we’ve been texting for the past days but I don’t know…I really wanted Rose back but now I don’t know what to do…” Kylian said but stopped when he heard noises coming from his door “shit man I have to go” he said hanging up.

You tried to leave the home but Kylian stopped you.

“Y/n please let me explain…” he begged you.

“Explain what? That I was just a plan to make your ex jealous? That you just used me? That you don’t care about me or my feelings?” you said completely crying.

“It’s not that I swear…I love you y/n, shit, I do really love you but I realised it when it was too late…please don’t ruin everything for this…” he said and you couldn’t believe your ears.

“Me? Ruin everything? You did it the moment you said you still loved your ex…fuck I can’t believe I was so stupid to believe someone could ever like me…you know what? Forget about everything, forget about what I told you, forget these past months and forget about me. You got what you wanted right? She texted you back so you won…” you said crying but he wouldn’t leave your arm.

“No y/n you have to believe me…I love you, I do…Yes I used you to get back to my ex but now I don’t care about her, I don’t, please baby…I’m so sorry…” he said almost crying. You had enough. You had enough of people who constantly used you and treated you bad.

“No I’m sorry for opening up to you, to tell you everything about my life, to have trusted you because I really trusted you Kylian…I can’t believe this is happening but…we’re done Kylian, I can’t do it…I really can’t…” you said going to grab your jacket and purse.

“What? No no y/n you can’t say this…I made a huge mistake but I can’t lose you, I know I’m a dickhead I know but I can’t lose you please…scream at me, punch me, spit in my face, tell me how much you hate me but please don’t leave” Kylian said, realising too late that he had fallen in love with you and that he just screwed up everything. He just lost you over a stupid idea he got when he saw his ex hanging around in Paris with some models, he got jealous and he knew he wanted to make her jealous too but he fell in love with you. Definitely not his plan.

“It’s too late Kylian…I’m sorry this is how it went…but you used me and hurt me and made me feel like I wasn’t enough…I need to focus more on myself and you can’t be a part in this…but I do really hope you and Rose have a nice life…” you said leaving his apartment. You heard him screaming your name but you couldn’t look back.

Instead you got into your car and started wondering what was wrong with you. “Why couldn’t people love me? Why not me? Why can’t I be loved?” you thought while driving back home.

[thatwritterbeach]

So about that alley .5

Jason todd x ofc Alex

Dc master list EVERY OTHER PART FOUND HERE

Unedited***Also I swear Tumblr is messing up my spelling on purpose cuz everytime I re-read something I know I fixed it's wrong again

Alex: short, curvy, red hair, green eyes, redheads go through pain meds way faster than normal people to the point I personally don't even take them, it's a joke, they last 30 min at best

Summary: Alex finds out her bf is red hood, after she spills some not so great secrets to the masked man while stitching him up

****HEY LOOK HERE this part only, noncon touching, not in an assault way, Jason wakes Alex up with his hand in her pants, could be triggering to some, not a fan of it myself. Yes they are dating, yes they have had sex, but an unconscious person CAN NOT consent regardless of the relationship, unless explicit consent was given prier to event with specifics talked about. Additional warning under cut, also this part only is hurt no comfort the comfort will be later cuz I'm evil

Warnings: Vaginismus* angst, sexual assault, self-harm, depression, drug use by Alex, violence, cursing, NSFW, smut, thigh riding, vaginal fingering, guided masturbation?, p in v (not overly described), pain during s*x, hiding said pain, hickeys?, self-hate, insecurities, eating disorder, weight loss, blood, mention of suicide none descript

A/N: I do not own dc booho

Alex is undrugged for this part and Jason hurts her during sex because of her vaginismus, blood from penetration. We all know J has a big dick, like look at the man, so normal healthy people would struggle to take him, there's no way I, as a person with this condition, could begin to handle him. Like i said before it's hard to explain the feeling to someone without it, but think of getting a Brazilian for like 30 min straight, and if you're a dude (odd thing to read but whatevs) it prob feels like getting kicked it the nuts for 30 min

The feeling of fingers on her skin tickled the back of her mind and woke her from her none committed relationship with death. She panicked for a moment before it registered as Jason and she relaxed keeping her eyes closed. He was drawing circles on her hips hand tucked into her loose sleep shorts. It was still dark out and she planned to go back to sleep letting him draw on her if he wished but his hand shifted to her center and his middle finger eased into her folds to play with her clit.

"Jay, I'm tired." Still she didn't open her eyes.

"Hmm, go back to sleep baby, just need to touch you, had a bad dream," he rasped in his morning voice.

"Let me freshen up first," she whispered trying to roll out of bed but he quickly moved his hand to her stomach holding her in place.

"Please stay, don't care about morning breath," he whined resting his head on her chest and resuming his slow touches. Shit, her heart rate was spiking.

"It'll just take a second," she reasoned.

"No," he begged. Crossing her fingers he would be content to just make slow circles on her clit until he fell back to sleep she agreed to stay. Regardless of her apprehension she was quickly growing wet, Jason's slow teasing making her want to buck into his hand. Deciding she was slick enough he used his foot to nudge her legs further apart and sank a digit into her.

"So tight baby. Need to relax," he cooed into her skin pumping his finger in and out in that same slow lazy manner. The stretch burned enough to make her blink back tears and she had to work to keep her legs open, focusing on her breathing. "Gotta stretch you out for me," he said adding a second finger and curling them against her g spot. The feeling of pain and pleasure was enough to make her feel bile at the back of her throat and she started to sweat. With his face buried into her neck he was missing every cue of her discomfort. Biting her lip hard enough to draw blood she managed to cover up a cry with a fake moan and he rolled her onto her side throwing her leg over his hip and moving her shorts to sink into her. She hadn't even noticed he was nude. The intrusion forced a sob out of her and she pushed at his chest in shock.

"Stop, Jay, fuck, red, please, stop, stop!" She was full on sobbing now, gasping in pain and shoving at his chest her body too panicked to reason with. He had frozen at her first cry and was trying in vain to grab her hands and calm her down.

"What's wrong, what did I do baby, what did I do," he was begging starting to slide out to give her space but her pained 'stop' made him freeze again.

"Don't move, don't move, fuck, please-just stop!"

He was in full panic mode his own eyes filling with tears as he tried to soothe her, hands floundering around her not wanting to cause her more pain. Her hands stopped their assault on his chest to sink her nails into the flesh desperately trying to get her breathing under control.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he was saying over and over running his hands through her hair and down her side not even wincing as her nails broke the skin. With a forced exhale she moved to get him out of her and rolled out of his arms to get off the bed. The small nightlight she insisted on was casting enough of a glow for him to take in her state. Hair a reckless knot, cheeks soaked with tears, and eyes wide in panic. She shuddered and took off to the bathroom before he could get his limbs to function and made it to the door right after she clicked the lock in place. He thunked his head against the shitty fake wood, that he could blow down if he wanted, but she was scared and in pain, because of him so if she wanted the privacy he sure as hell wasn't about to point that out.

"I'm so sorry, please just...talk to me."

"I'm fine," she insisted with a shaky voice. lies.

"What do you want me to do?"

"Just give me a minute," she resisted the urge to growl at him yanking supplies out of their hiding spot and filling her syringe with rehearsed precision. She was eerily silent as she situated her self on the toiled to inject between her toes. (I don't do drugs folks and didn't want that in my search history so I'm guessing here) The quiet made him panic and he barely had to try to shove his shoulder into the door and pop it open.

"What the fuck!" They both yelled. His eyes took in the needle and the small amount of blood making it's way down her inner thigh and didn't know what to do. In the face of the worst criminals of Gotham he didn't blink, but this, in the bathroom at 6 am with his precious girlfriend injecting herself with Lord knows what after he made her bleed, he was lost. He needed help damn it. Like he wasn't even there, she finished what she was doing and calmly went through the process of cleaning everything and disposing of the used needle.

"What the fuck," he whispered this time hands stretched out towards her that were shaking.

"I said I was fine."

"What the fuck, you're not fine, what are you using," he demanded. He knew he was being too loud, knew he was shaking like a leaf and looking like a rage machine but he couldn't be calm, he couldn't.

"It's morphine, I use it for my migraines." She was so fucking calm it was pissing him off.

"I hurt you that bad," he was gonna kill himself, that's it, he was jumping in front of a train and ending the monster that he clearly was.

"No Jay." lies.

"I did, you're bleeding!"

"That happens sometimes it's ok." Like hell she was gonna comfort him when he hurt her.

"It doesn't-" he started to say before his brain caught up. The night she stitched him up, the story she told him about being assaulted.

"Fuck you lied to me," he ground out running a hand down his face trying to control the anger. "This whole fucking time you've been shooting up because I've been hurting you." His nerves couldn't take this. For weeks he'd been forcing her to drug herself because she thought he would break up with her without sex. (he wasn't forcing her but his anxiety ridden, self-hating brain was too far gone for rational thought)

"It's ok," she said again, grabbing his hands in her own and trying to convince him.

"I don't-I can't-how-I can't do this," he growled yanking his hands from hers and stomping back into her room to get dressed.

"What are you doing," she asked trying to grab him.

"Out, I need air," he snapped shaking her off of him and rushing out the door slamming it behind himself.

"Why," she whispered into the empty room tears starting down her face again.

He'd at least had the sense to grab his phone and sent a quick text in the group chat demanding someone go sit with her while he was out. Dick was the first to reply having been up to catch a train back to Bludhaven.

*I'll be there in 10 what happened* -Dickhead

*I'm a POS that's what happened* -Jaybird

*make that 5* - Dickhead

Needing to beat the shit out of something he went to his place to suit up and headed out to crime alley.

Alex had managed to shower and get dressed in loose flannel pants and a button up, Jason's, and curled herself up on the couch laying on her side from the ache between her legs while the tv played early morning cartoons. She was at least done crying, simply sitting in stunned silence while her brain moved far too fast for comfort. Her hands itched to grab her blade and slice into her flesh but Jason could be back at any second, even though she knew he wouldn't but she didn't need to give him any more reason to hate himself. Even if this was all her fault.

"Knock knock," a voice said through her window.

"Go away, Dick."

"No can do," he said landing without a sound on her floor. She needed to sweep she thought in passing as his shoes scuffed along the old boards.

"He sent you," she said, not a question.

"He did."

"Great, mean he won't be back for a while, maybe...48 hours before his damn head is back on."

"Yep," he replied picking up her legs to make room for himself on the couch then set her feet in his lap. His eyes were tracking the tv while he rubbed circles into one of her ankles wanting to fill the silence but having no idea where to start. Hell he doesn't even know what they had a fight about, surely Jason would get his head out of his a-

"He's not gonna keep me," she whispered so low he almost didn't hear her.

"What, no he loves you, why would you even think that?"

"I lied...a big lie."

"Did you kill someone?"

"No."

"Are you secretly married?"

"No."

"Did you cheat?"

"No."

"Then it's fixable," he said with such certainty it almost made her cry again.

"Not this time."

8-16-24 (see masterlist for more

[tonikogemmie]

April 14th, 2024: Sunday's Engrossing Gem

A nightmare apocalyptic scenario happens upon humanity in the form of what seems to be upper beings—gods even—settle in major human population zones. A gripping story between the new fucked up people molded from this disaster, the 'gods' themselves and how these humans plan to take back their cities and exterminate the invasive species of surreal monsters. And there may be no one else more involved in all of this than Kamikura Waka and the strange man she runs into when she tried to meet the gods.

After God by Eno Sumi

アフターゴッド

TYPE: Manga

TAGS: Drama, Psychological, Action, Fantasy (Urban), Supernatural (?), Thriller (?)

DEMOGRAPHIC: N/A

STATUS: Ongoing

RATING: Mature. Its about everything short of sexual violence and assault, really it isn't insensitive or anything, just nuts. themes of suicide. pseudo cannibalism.

Perhaps this is why this story would be to your liking:

This is some real ass blocks of text philosophy. Though it is usually delivered through the mouths of outsider creatures so in a way I think it is lot more interesting and despite their supposed alienness from humans, their interpretations might not be too off.

(Strangely enough, this manga is quite funny if your sense of humor is a little off like mine. The dialogue has some crazy spunk. Yeah the characters are pretty hot too. If you ask me, the subtext also looks pretty queer sometimes.)

Also take this as just my interpretation, I really think this manga is about unorthodox expressions of love. Deeply engrossing is the interpersonal relationships that are abnormal, and these people's plea for their existence. To me, reading this manga means we have to bear witness to humans who can no longer live normally.

And of course, this art is no joke! Aside from the stunning spreads and a complex monstrosity designs, I always love art that can convey discomfort. It's so beautiful and ill-inducing, their expressions and being. It feels a touch away from horror, if only because the art isn't there to scare you, but to itch at your gut. Yes... this is the kind of manga that gnaws you from your innards with anticipation, thrill and maybe like a secret third thing.

Well! I’m off to read some more!

ENGLISH LICENSE (though if you 🏴‍☠️ I'm not against you):

This is also a new development with the official English, an unannounced hiatus all of a sudden. While it is behind by a manageable 2 chapters, we're still awaiting news on if the English publication is continuing.

The author also has a non-negligible amount of untranslated works under her belt, so I am sure to look into that.

Alright alright, enough from me. Happy reading.

[jellogram]

I'll never stop being mad about "woman on her period" jokes for the obvious reasons but also because they always center men's frustrations with the woman's emotions, and not her own experience of those emotions.

Like yeah my periods DO make me an emotional wreck. It's horrible. I get anxious and angry and my suicidal ideations go through the roof. It is the worst time for my mental health, and I have to deal with it for one out of every four weeks. So when I hear "Ahhh! Woman on her period is emotional and she was mean to me!" I'm like dude how the FUCK do you think she feels right now?

I promise that me snapping at you a little too harshly wasn't as bad as the constant stream of "Kill yourself you can't do this everything is too much just die oh my god" that is happening in my head. while I also experience physical pain and discomfort. But oh no, here comes the woman on her period, everyone run and hide until she's no longer suffering so badly that she ends up being rude to you.

[thelunarfairy]

Hello again, I saw your response to a person in which they talk about a scene from the manga where Mei scratches Hanako's face, making him "obsessed with his brother", obviously we know that Tsukasa and him's relationship is not normal and it is not they have normal feelings, a large part of the fandom finds it difficult to accept that because it is strange and its dynamics are very uncomfortable. I also think that the day they become more interested in this, some people could leave the fandom because the content will be very, very strange.

But a moment in which I saw a lot of people uncomfortable was the Sumire and Hakubo arc because sexuality was talked about in a serious way, in addition we have already talked about the desires that Hanako has, when I began to analyze certain behaviors that he had with Nene, I thought I was thinking everything wrong, but after reading your analysis I realized that I was not wrong, Hanako really has desires towards Nene, which is not bad because as you yourself said, he was entering the stage of puberty in which it is normal to feel those desires, but the fandom is not ready to talk about it either, I have seen few people talk about this, I think your analysis is the most explicit and best explained :)

I find it very interesting how AidaIro tell their stories, which at first glance seem harmless but once you get into them they are dark, they deal with serious themes but what has saved them from a strong cancellation is that they are not so explicit, of course Somehow they make some serious topics not feel so strong or difficult to digest. I don't blame the discomfort because let's remember that most of the characters are minors and we can also consider some of them children, so seeing them in such serious situations is quite strange, uncomfortable and, for some, annoying. But I am very intrigued by how they will tell the story of the Yugi brothers after Tsukasa's return, how their relationship deteriorated and how it became darker.

Regarding the second, although we know that Hakubo and Sumire did not have a romantic relationship, there was a lot of closeness and Sumire had a desire for Hakubo, to which I question whether if Hanako and Nene entered into a romantic relationship, it would be touched upon the topic of sexuality in a serious way and not as a joke? I don't know but it intrigues me.

Another topic which I would like to see developed more is Mitsukou, because it seems that the situation is also becoming serious, Mitsuba somehow seems to admit that she has feelings for Kou and he seems to be developing them, although well nothing has been mentioned anymore after the conversation that Mitsuba had with Nene :( In short, there are many issues that are being developed but we will see how AidaIro It seems that they are capable of everything and they suprices us a lot in a good and bad way ;)

POR CIERTO FELIZ NAVIDADDD :D

ESPERO Y LA HAYAS PASADO BIEN :)

Particularly, Aidairo is a great writer, of course, with her flaws and successes, but it's impressive how she managed to turn an initially so harmless story into one so profound with dark themes.

Allow me to tell you from my experience, when I first saw Hanako-kun I imagined it to be just a silly romantic comedy between a dreamy girl with bad luck and a mysterious ghost. Things only change when Tsukasa appears, and it was at that point that everything became more interesting for me.

I'm an adult, I'm already mature enough to deal with certain more intense and heavier themes, so I gradually noticed how Aidairo slowly included these themes. I think it's glorious when stories address strong real-world themes to debate and criticize. At no point do you see Aida romanticizing suicide, abusive love, on the contrary.

On the other hand, I see some parts of the fandom shipping visibly problematic relationships that Aidairo herself throws in our faces that are harmful on a deadly level. What happens in JSHK happens in the real world often, for an adult like me, who follows the news, I can see the fine line between reality and fiction.

If we remove the supernatural and fantasy part of JSHK, we will have the story of several characters with serious self-esteem problems, with obsessive loves, with intensely selfish desires, with seriously abusive relationships, with feelings of incomprehension and pain so intense that they wish for their own death in search for their own relief.

The supernatural is a detail.

But, if we are going to talk about desires, cannibalism and incest, we must talk about symbolism. Aidairo likes to use metaphors to express herself, to have more freedom when approaching a topic.

For many people, the scene with Hakubo and Sumire is more acceptable than a scene between Hanako and Tsukasa kissing (assuming they are not shippers of the twins). People are more used to seeing violence than this kind of love. And like you said, they are minors.

Children who love, who suffer too much for some kind of love, who don't know how to show it. That's why most relationships are abusive, because they don't know how to deal with love because they are children, pre-adolescents who have had bad experiences in the past and don't know how to deal with it.

Their age corresponds with their attitudes, the lack of experience leads us to make mistakes more frequently than in adulthood. But what about the twins' love? That's what intrigues me most.

Why is this theme included? They love each other like brothers, but why does it seem like this love is so much more intense that it gives the feeling that they want to touch and love each other like lovers?

What is the objective of this theme? Was it because he loved his brother in a forbidden way that Amane decided to hide his feelings so intensely that even to this day he can't be true?

Was it because he loved his brother in a forbidden way that he felt forced to devour this feeling to the point that he could no longer bear it and became obsessive, jealous and insecure? Was it this love that made Hanako who he is today?

Does he desperately hide this love to the point of being embarrassed when they find out, to the point of wanting to hide the past at all costs? If his greatest sin was killing his brother, but everyone already knows that, what does he fear they will discover in the past?

Do you know what I mean? There is a reason why Aida can include this theme, and she can build and clarify for us why Hanako is like this, why he killed his own brother, why he is so insecure.

There is a clear motivation for choosing some themes, this is how a story should be told, it needs the pieces to fit together. So, if it's really the case that the twins fell in love, the story will still make sense.

Even if people feel uncomfortable.

When I understood this, I felt freer to accept that maybe this love could happen. It's not something I admire, it's not something I like to see, it's not something I ship, it's something that I understand is part of the story and that Aidairo is trying to show me how she built her universe and characters.

When we stop thinking about our opinions and desires, we can better see that other people's stories are not related to our tastes, but are a new universe created by someone brave enough to share.

I don't know if the two really were or are in love, but there are signs, there's no way to pretend otherwise. I talk about this, always trying to be as light as possible, today I see that the fandom is realizing this love between them and they are slowly accepting that this possibility exists. I always receive requests to talk more about this, so I address the topic quite frequently.

I hope more people feel comfortable talking about it too.

Just think that it is JUST a possibility. It's more likely that Aidairo uses this just to provoke, to get attention, it's just a misunderstanding.

But the signs are everywhere, and now they're getting closer and closer. Amane saving him, not complaining that he kissed Nene, them having a friendly conversation, the way Hanako despite everything still shows trust in Tsukasa when he throws Nene to him, and, of course, how he shows concern for the Tsukasa's attitudes.

They are getting closer again.

I'm always in the middle of the way, on one side there is brotherly love between them, and on the other there is brotherly and romantic love, which one should I believe in?

For now I don't know how to answer you, but I still have doubts if Aidairo would have the courage to show the love between brothers in a romantic way, instead of repelling me, he made me more attracted, the question that echoes in my head is always the same

Will she really put romantic love between them?

That's the answer I want to find out.

Regarding Hakubo and Sumire, she saw him in the role of her husband from the beginning, he was just doing his duty. Despite this, a type of love was born from their interaction, Hakubo just took a while to understand what he felt, it was necessary for him to lose her to be aware of it.

Mitsukou is stagnant. Their development is very slow, lately only focusing on melancholic and pseudo-romantic moments. Kou can't organize his own ideas and desires, it's difficult for him, but he doesn't want to lose Mitsuba, while Mit just wants to leave. They've been in this tug of war for a while, but neither of them can really resolve anything.

It is complicated….

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!! Hahaha I hope you had fun too ^^

[youremyheaven]

hi, this is my second time sending it and i pray you receive it. i'm the 22yo anon with the relationships, social dread and sexuality question. ill try my best to rewrite as quick as possible. i would like to be guided and need your big sister advise,,, i don't know how to ask and word my issues smoothly 😓😓,,, (context- ive known to be demiromantic and little to no fixation on sex, on the asexual spectrum?) so i just turned 22 and have a crush and looks like he too likes me the same and im sure its going to get serious,, i have been nervous about talking about my preferences with my crush because someday i have to explain to them because i have friends and peers around me asking me to "get some" and that it's normal and it's how it'll change my asexuality?? to them im just faking being uncomfortable around bed talk even though i agree i can be the holiest nun but i do catch myself having the highest libido therefore take care of myself without needing anyone from time to time. pleasing for me felt like an annoying itch that needed to be scratched like most people,,, corn doesn't do it for me so I never understood the hype and didn't feel a thing,,, yes I have crushes but im not aching and wanting to bang them,, a bunch of my peers have at a young age and unsafely which got one of them pregnant, being in indian society it's looked down upon and what my friend had to go through was rough and it had a huge impact,,, though my parents are forward thinking people and openly and safely talked about this topic with me without having shame tied to it and my mother also makes it a comfortable space,, im not shaming anyone who engages in activities like these and i also understand that its human nature and it's how we procreate and evolve yet i still get very uncomfortable around sexual scenes in movies maybe it's my own childhood trauma causing this feeling of dread and discomfort from my childhood,,,,

besides my friends and family, i shared my asexuality to my aunt and baby cousin,,,,, they were supportive but kept being skeptic like my peers would saying this is temporary 💀 that i need to get laid asap which bothered me sm,,, my cousin now (a party, club going personality) too has engaged in activities with her exes since she was a preteen and im the only one in the fam who knows (desi household is no joke) and im worried for her safety though she seems independent but i do feel concerned and wonder if i should let her be because she has been distant and lord knows who she is with next,,,,she's much much younger but coming from a wealthy family kinda looks down on me and for not having any relationship experiences so distanced herself from me which hurts,,, bottom line i feel ostracized to a degree by people i care about and there is this insane pressure to have to talk about my trauma and issues around sex,,, as they say it's a man's birth right and they all want it at some point and so will your crush or men will leave you the minute they get that repulsion??😓

i might consider it for my man someday but i don't want it to affect my relationship with men??

how do i face people when im not taken seriously or call it a nun phase? i don't want to lose men over this and who better than you to ask,,,, im typing and im all teared up,,, i need clarity on how to approach this better without having internalized any pain, guilt for feeling the way i do. you can answer when you're ready and sorry i made it too long 😞😣

This is my third attempt

"this is my third attempt" 😭😭😭

girlie ur not going for JEE mains 😭😭this is just my inbox

(for non desis, JEE is a highly competitive college entrance exam,, ppl prepare for it for YEARS and some ppl commit suicide when they cant crack it 🤡 explaining it is taking the fun away from the joke but thought id give u context <33)

but ANYWAYYYS

first of all dont apologize for the long ask or for sharing your experiences,, I GOTCHU 😘💛

now about your question:

one thing u need to know is that the right person will NEVER EVER make u feel "compelled" to have sex,, ive had partners during my celibate era who i didnt even kiss lol and they were entirely fine with it

pls dont listen to your friends and family and believe that sex is something you OWE your partner/men. i had many nasty friends tell me the same or try to convince me that i "should" do it bc otherwise its not a "real" relationship and im so glad i never listened to them<33

i also know many women who are waiting for marriage to have sex but have boyfriends atm. they all have different degrees of intimacy that they're okay with (some go up to oral and leave penetrative intercourse for marriage, others just kiss, makeout and cuddle) but u can also have a zero intimacy relationship. if a man wants you and wants to be with you, HE WILL DO ANYTHING. i once told a guy (he was 21 and i was 23 and he wanted to date me) that im celibate and dont want to have sex and he said "thats perfectly fine, i didnt ask you out to sleep with you, i want to be with you, whatever your terms are, thats fine by me" and honestly there are MANY such dudes out there,, not every guy is a porn addicted weirdo who believes u OWE them sex 🤮🤢🤢🤮

u dont have to have casual sex if you dont want to!! esp since you're a virgin, i think its important for you to be wise about your partner and choose someone who is considerate and caring!!! THIS IS NOT A RACE, you can have sex later in life, i assure you its nothing special if you feel "compelled" to do it/dont like your partner/dont feel comfortable.

having another person inside u is as intimate as two people can be and it is so vulnerable,, dont rush it and dont do it with someone u dont trust to take you through the experience tenderly!!!

i think you just need to drop your friends lol,, they sound unhealthy

if i dont include my r4pist, then ive had sex with 3 people (i dont actually want to include baldie tbh but 🤢🤮) and 2 of those were with a partner (1 is my current partner) and those experiences were so pleasant and wonderful<3 ive had people tell me i "should" try casual sex 🙄but its not for me and even now i tell you, i have no issues staying celibate, i think its better to just not have sex than to have dissatisfying sex ://

you wont "lose" men over sex lol, you might lose immature men but those are exactly the guys u want nothing to do with!!! its a great way to weed them out!!!

i follow a 5 date rule with sex actually. i have to like him enough to go on atleast 5 dates with him before we do anything intimate,, if he seems impatient or too eager or whatever, then cut his nasty ass out,,

(this is just general advice for anyone, i know you dont want to have sex<3)

stop telling people your personal business btw!! you dont have to share your sex life or lack thereof with all your friends bc its none of their business at the end of the day. ESPECIALLY since they dont seem to understand where youre coming from, you should stop sharing this stuff with them. this is not info that you owe them just bc ya'll are friends. i absolutely hate sharing my personal business with my "friends" and all the times i have, i absolutely regretted it. i hate that kind of interference. like YOU dont get to have an opinion about my life lol??

basically, stay private, you do you, nothing wrong with being asexual or being celibate, sex is overhyped and most men dont know how to fck (sorry to speak facts) and the right partner wont want sex from you. there are men who take care of bedridden partners. love makes anything possible. and i hope you find someone who truly genuinely loves you so that you never have to worry about any of this.

i also hope you get better friends!!!<33

wishing u the best,

Heaven<3