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joelscurls · 1 year ago

Text

I wanna show you off

pairing: Joel Miller x f!reader

words: 4.1k

summary: The women who live in your building aren't subtle in their hatred for you — or their affection for your boyfriend, Joel. You decide to set them straight.

warnings: 18+ minors dni, porn with plot, no outbreak, established relationship, implied age gap, horrible neighbors, general cattiness, all the ladies want Joel, alcohol consumption, fluff, explicit smut, possessive!reader, exhibitionism, dirty talk, oral (m receiving), facefucking, unprotected piv, creampie, one (1) spank, use of pet names (baby, angel, darlin', etc.), I think that's all? lmk if I missed anything!

a/n: idk what happened. I saw one too many tiktok edits set to the song agora hills by doja cat and blacked out. anyway, enjoy!

If it weren’t for your rent-controlled apartment with a perfect view of the downtown skyline, you would’ve moved out of your building by now.

Your neighbors don’t like you. You’re certain of it. You can tell by the way the ladies stick their noses up at you in the elevator and whisper to each other the second they think you’re out of earshot.

It had started, you suspect, because of your age. You’re a lot younger than all of the other residents here, your apartment left to you by your grandmother after she passed away.

The building is prime real estate, situated in the heart of one of the city’s most desirable neighborhoods. Most of the people who live here have done so for ten, twenty, even thirty years. And it seems that time has festered a sort of social hierarchy: one which places you at the very bottom.

You shouldn’t care. And you hadn’t, for a while. But their eyes have started to feel like daggers, pointed directly at you at all times, and you feel as if you can’t even enter the building without judgment.

You’re not a bad neighbor. You’re not. You’d learned through living in a dormitory in college how thin shared walls can be, and, as a result, the proper volume at which to keep your music; how you should always be cautious to not let your door slam closed on the way in; that you should never vacuum after eight pm or before eight am.

You never leave trash in the hallway, and you park your car only in your allotted spot, despite the fact that it’s the farthest away from the building.

Even so, the lack of weathering in your face makes them look at you like you’re less, like you’re a greedy little thing who has taken something she isn’t worthy of.

It’s the same way they look at you when they see you with your boyfriend, Joel, for the first time.

They leer when you walk into the foyer, hand-in-hand with an older man. He’s handsome, rugged, something out of Nicholas Sparks novel. And you’re you.

Joel thinks you’re being paranoid at first, says they couldn’t possibly hate such a sweet, friendly girl. The girl he loves so damn much. But it doesn’t take long for him to notice it too: the glares, the scoffs, the misplaced judgment — never set in his direction, only ever yours.

One Sunday afternoon, as he sits on your couch watching the Cowboys game with a sweating bottle of beer in his hand, you step out to grab your mail. You’re close to tears when you return, flinging the door open, envelopes slipping from your trembling fingers.

He leaps up as soon as he catches sight of your face. Your expression is stuck somewhere between sadness and rage, bottom lip tucked between your teeth so firmly he worries you’ll draw blood.

“I hate them,” you sob as he wraps his arms around you, pulling you against his broad chest. You’re wetting his shirt, the one he just bought the other day. But he won’t let you lift your head. If anything, he holds you tighter.

“Wanna tell me what happened, darlin?” he asks, leading you toward the couch. You sit down together, your body still wrapped in his, and you groan.

“It’s stupid.” Your voice is muffled by cotton. He loosens his grip on you only enough to let you turn your face. “I was getting my mail, and they were down in the lobby,” you sniff. “The woman who lives right next door – the one with the outdated perm, and the one across the hall with the yippy little dog.”

“Mhm,” Joel soothes, running his thumb gently along the tense line of your jaw. “Did they say somethin’ to you?”

You huff. “No, not to me. They didn’t see me there.”

Their hushed voices still ring in your head like a fire alarm in need of new batteries: relentless, infuriating.

Don’t know what in the world a handsome gentleman like that is doing with a little girl like her. You’re tellin’ me. What a shame. Such a young thing – she can’t possibly know how to handle a man like that. He needs a woman his own age!

“They said I’m not good for you,” you weep. “That I’m too young. That I — I c-can’t be what you need.”

“Darlin,” Joel drawls. He fishes the tv remote off of the coffee table and flicks the screen off. Drops it somewhere next to him on the cushion. The apartment is noticeably quiet now, apart from your shaky breaths and the dull drone of an idling truck engine from the street below.

“You know I love you, right?”

You sniff again. Nod.

“I don’t give a shit if people think you’re too young for me,” he huffs. “You’re a grown woman. You give me everything I could possibly need and then some.”

“Yeah?” you squeak. You know deep down that Joel wouldn’t stay with you if he had any reservations about any aspect of your relationship. But after months of no reprieve from stinging glares and brash insults, you feel as if you’ve been broken down, reduced to an anxious, overwrought version of yourself.

Joel repositions himself, sprawling back on the couch and pulling you with him so that you’re laying against him. “Yeah,” he repeats, stroking your hair. He tucks a loose strand behind your ear, away from your glassy eyes. “Those ladies can get their asses in line.”

You laugh, then — a real, genuine laugh — the kind that Joel can somehow always pull out of you, even in the most inopportune of times.

You’re so grateful for him, for his innate ability to calm you down when it feels like the world is crumbling below your feet. Grateful that he’s yours.

You lift your head. Prop yourself up by the elbow on Joel’s thigh. Wipe away the lingering wet on your cheeks with a deep, settling breath.

“Does it stroke your ego, having a fan club of women who wanna fuck you?”

He smirks. Pulls you closer to him with a hand cradling your face.

“Maybe a little,” he whispers, his lips ghosting yours. “Does it stroke your ego, bein’ the only one who gets to fuck me?”

And in truth, it does. You’re the only one who knows where he likes to be kissed, how he likes his cock stroked, how to make him cum embarrassingly quick with just your mouth.

You’ve learned him intimately, every inch of him. Ruined him for any other woman.

So in a fucked up kind of way — it does.

“Yeah,” you admit. You suck his bottom lip into your mouth, silently reveling in the way he immediately moans, the way he bends to you.

“These all mine?” You bring a finger to his lips, sputter on a shaky exhale when he unexpectedly parts them and sucks the digit into his mouth.

“Mhm,” he hums around you, takes your free hand in his and guides it down his body, across the expanse of his torso, the plush of his belly, pausing when you reach his crotch.

Your pulse quickens, then, a dull throb forming at the base of your neck. You extricate your finger from his mouth with a gentle pop.

“This too,” he whispers, canting his hips up toward the flat of your palm.

He’s half-hard, his clothed bulge pleading for attention. But he pulls your hand away quickly, not letting himself get carried away at the feeling of your fingers grazing him through denim.

Instead, he re-situates it against his chest so that you can feel his heartbeat where it hammers under skin, against flesh and bone. “This is all yours too,” he says, voice so low it reverberates in your skull.

“All of it — all of me. Don’t gotta worry your pretty little head with anythin’ anyone else has to say about the matter. Got it?”

His words are spoken with so much conviction that you have no choice but to believe them, to let them stick in your brain like anchors in sand: deep and immovable.

Yours, yours, yours.

And nobody else’s.

“Yeah,” you smile into the column of his neck, inhaling his scent: mostly him, but with notes of you.

“Got it.”

It’s two weeks later when she makes a move on him: the woman with the perm. Joel is taken aback by her boldness, with you just a few feet away, digging your key into the lock of your mailbox.

“You must work with your hands,” she purrs, grabbing one of his wrists and examining his calloused fingers with such little integrity, his mouth actually slips open at the unabashedness of it all.

“Uh-”

“I’m Sheila,” she hums, raking her fingers through tight, blonde curls. “And you are?”

“Joel,” he grunts noncommittally. Wrenches his arm back. He doesn’t miss the way her eyebrows twitch in offense.

But she’s insatiable, this woman. She bounces back like a rubber band, not-so-subtly pushing her breasts together, the zip of her sweatshirt slipping down an inch and her mouth curving into a salacious grin.

You just about stop dead in your tracks when you round the corner to the lobby, junk mail in hand, and see her, her body turned towards Joel’s, chest pushed out and hip popped. She has a bedazzled tote bag full of groceries slung over her shoulder, a head of leafy greens poking out the top.

“Hi neighbor!” she smiles mockingly at you, all lipstick-stained teeth, when you sidle up to Joel. “I was just telling your friend here what nice, strong arms he has.” She’s not looking at you, eyes locked firmly on Joel’s biceps, nearly drooling at the sight of him.

Heat spools behind your ears, red-hot.

“Not her friend,” Joel corrects before you can. “‘M her boyfriend.”

“Oh,” she says. “Boyfriend.” Her lips wrap loosely around the word, like it’s some fanciful thing. “You’re too old to be someone’s boyfriend.”

Joel takes a step away from her, closer to you, and splays a steadying hand across your back. “Man-friend, then.”

You laugh, not because it’s funny, but because this entire conversation is fucking awkward.

Sheila pays you no attention.

“Well,” she sighs, overtly staring at the exposed skin of Joel’s chest, where the top two buttons of his flannel are undone, “Joel, if you’re ever lookin’ for a good meal, I’m just next door.” She flits her eyes up to his and smirks. “Know a big man like you has gotta eat.”

Your vision blurs scarlet.

Joel is equally as infuriated. The disrespect of this woman, to so openly flirt with him in front of you. His fists ball tightly at his sides.

“Thanks, but no thanks,” he gruffs. “Anyway, nice to meet ya ma’am-“

“Sheila,” she reminds him.

“Sheila,” he repeats, only to appease her. He turns to you, squeezing your waist affectionately. “We should probably get goin’, right sweetheart?”

You’re still fuming, barely able to register Joel’s voice next to you through the thick haze of pure fury clouding your mind, but you manage to nod, spit out a hurried yeah.

And with that, Joel is turning on his heels, pulling you with him toward the elevators. You don’t dare look back at her, but you can feel her eyes boring a hole in the back of your head.

Her footfall fades into the mailroom and you breathe a minuscule sigh of relief. At least she’s out of your sight.

“Please just move in with me,” Joel begs when you’re finally behind closed metal doors, the inspection plaque situated above the buttons suddenly extremely interesting as you try to focus on not thinking about setting this woman’s apartment on fire.

You’ve talked about living together a few times. It’s just — you’ve never considered it so seriously until right now.

“I can’t let them win,” you mutter, agitated.

You hate how they’ve made you feel, like you’re some helpless animal tucked in the corner, hiding from them. Just waiting for the next ambush.

With the passing of each floor, your anger simmers, bubbles into a silent rage in your stomach, one which threatens to boil over at the next underestimation of Joel’s devotion to you. You need to make it known, once and for all, that he’s yours.

Words from your grandmother play on a loop in your head, ones she repeated to you often when you were a child: if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

And then you have a thought — a devious thought — maybe you don’t have to say anything to get your point across. Not to them, anyway.

Your mouth is on Joel the second you’re back inside the four walls of your own apartment, slotting against his pulse point and sucking a desperate bruise there.

He’s not expecting it — why would he be? You’ve just been seething the entire elevator ride up to your floor, the entire walk down the long, winding hallway to your unit. He’d practically been able to see the steam billowing from your ears.

So the switch-up is more than a bit dizzying, to say the least.

“Whoa, darlin’,” he pants, his large hands draping over your shoulders. “What are you-”

“Joel.” Your voice is stern; it demands his attention. “Do you trust me?”

Your hand trails down his body languidly, in a straight line to the waistband of his jeans. And fuck, of course he trusts you — more than anyone. But this is wrong, fucked up, for you to make him feel good when you’ve been made to feel so small these past few minutes.

Still, his cock doesn’t get the memo, twitching in his jeans as you place another open-mouthed kiss on the underside of his jaw, your fingers beginning to fiddle with his belt buckle.

You give him no choice with the way you’re touching him, the way you’re looking at him when you pull back, all pleading eyes and parted mouth, but to resign all protest. He’ll give you the world, and if right now you want to use his body to blow off some steam, who is he to complain about it?

“Yeah baby, of course,” he breathes. “What do you need?”

You smirk at him audaciously, tongue smoothing over your teeth. “Need you to be loud,” you purr. Your voice is so innocent in juxtaposition to the words you spew. It sends a chill down the column of his spine. “Let them know who makes you feel good.”

He nearly cums in his pants untouched, grasps at the fabric of your shirt with clumsy hands and nods. “Fuck, okay.”

His belt falls to the floor with a clang.

He lets you take control, then. Lets you mark him with your tongue and your teeth, lets you back him to the door with deft fingers working his shirt buttons open before sinking to your knees in front of him, freeing his hardening cock from the confines of his jeans and boxers.

It’s already weeping for you when you pull it out, precum beading at the tip. He’s so big, growing heavier in your hand with each passing second, and you lose yourself for a moment, hypnotized by him.

“Always so eager to please me, aren’t you, pretty girl?” Joel’s voice pulls you back to earth, soft and adoring.

“Louder,” you remind him. Plant a kiss right over top of his leaking slit.

“Fuck,” he hisses through his teeth. One of his hands flies to the crown of your head, anchoring himself with fingers in your hair. “Dirty fucking girl.”

His voice fills the entranceway, confident and filthy.

“Mmm,” you hum approvingly.

“Yeah? You want me to tell ‘em? Tell ‘em you’re making my cock drool for you? That nobody — shit-” You enclose your lips around his tip, suckling on it as your fingers wrap around the base of his length and you begin to stroke him lazily. “-that nobody has ever made me feel this good?”

Footsteps echo down the hallway and the sound makes you reflexively pause, your hand stiling on Joel’s cock. It’s followed by the jingling of metal, the click of a key in a lock, the opening and closing of a door — all close enough that you can pinpoint the source, can tell where exactly it’s coming from.

Sheila is home.

Perfect.

It’s probably worrying how excited it makes you, the prospect of her hearing, of her sitting alone in her apartment, at her empty dining table, and listening to Joel fall apart at your hands. Maybe they’ve driven you to and over the edge of sanity with their words, her most of all. Regardless, you can’t help the way it makes your cunt flutter around nothing.

You lick a slow stripe up the underside of Joel’s cock, starting just above his balls and dragging the flat of your tongue up, up, up to his tip. His breath shudders, his grip on your hair tightening, and the subtle sting at the center of your scalp gives you another idea.

“Do you wanna fuck my face, Joel?”

“Do I wanna — fuck — you’re gonna kill me, angel.”

“Go ahead,” you encourage, unhinging your jaw as wide as it can go, letting your tongue droop over your bottom lip.

Saliva pools in your waiting mouth and Joel groans at the sight of you, so malleable for him, begging to be used.

“You sure?”

It’s not that he doesn’t think you can handle it. He knows you can. You’ve taken him down your throat more times than he can count. Always so fucking eager to please him, you are — just one of the many reasons he feels so goddamn lucky, so infuriated that anyone would think otherwise.

But still, he can’t help but worry that he’ll hurt you.

You nod, eyes locked on him, confirming beyond a shadow of a doubt that you want this. He nods back, beginning to feed his cock into your mouth, easing it in slowly and halting when his head hits the back of your throat, causing you to gag.

You don’t pull away, don’t show any indication of displeasure. In fact, you dig your fingers into the meat of his thighs, bearing down on him as you push forward. Mascara tears stain your cheeks as you choke on him, laser-focused on relaxing your throat so that you can accommodate more of his length.

Joel pulls back, retreating entirely before pushing in again. He slowly increases his pace, your eyes hooded, so doelike and innocent, as his cockhead bruises your larynx.

The sounds he’s pulling from your mouth are absurdly lewd: muffled gags and frantic inhales of breath. And then there’s him, moaning wildly, not sure if he’d be able to shut up even if he needed to be quiet. Your mouth is good, too fucking good and he’s going to — fuck, he’s going to cum if you don’t stop.

He pulls out abruptly, a string of drool and precum tethering the tip of his cock to your swollen bottom lip. You’re panting, coughing, still bracing yourself against his legs when you fucking smile up at him.

“Christ,” he says. “Fuckin’ angel, you are. Mouth feels like goddamn heaven.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. But I need to cum in that perfect little cunt,” he breathes, pulling a strangled moan from the back of your rawed throat.

He helps you up, spins you around to face the door. You brace both hands on the wood, humming as he pulls your pants down to your knees. His breath is on the back of your neck, trailing up to the shell of your ear with one whisper just for you, because he can’t help it.

“So fuckin’ beautiful, you know that?”

You shiver, responding with a tilt of your head, inviting him in with a needy little mewl. He cradles your face in one of his large hands, the other rubbing over the curve of your ass as he kisses you passionately, tasting himself on your tongue.

The hand on your ass trails lower as he deepens the kiss, two fingers pressing against your clothed seam. You’ve all but soaked through the fabric, wet cotton molding to his knuckles as he caresses them along your pussy before pulling your panties down in one swift motion.

You whine into the kiss, desperate and dripping for him. “Please,” you breathe against his lips. “I’ll make you feel so good, I promise.”

“Know you will,” he coos, mouth parting from yours as he straightens out and lines himself up with your entrance. You arch your back, rocking onto the balls of your feet as he teases you with the tip.

His cock is so thick when it finally notches into you. It’s always so devastatingly thick, no matter how wet you are for him. The stretch stings, a jolt of warm pain coursing through your walls as he stills halfway in.

“You okay?” he asks, one hand resting at the small of your back, the other on your hip, fingers gripping to you only tight enough to hold you in place.

“Yes, fuck — yes,” you whine. “Need you to fuck me, Joel.”

“I’m goin’ to baby, don’t worry,” 'he promises, pushing in another splitting inch. “Pussy’s so goddamn tight, ‘ts suckin’ me right in.”

It feels like hours pass with Joel’s cock motionless inside your aching cunt, his warm breath fanning across your back as he focuses on not cumming. You’re whimpering, begging under the weight of his body, to please just fucking move.

When he finally obliges you, pulling all the way out and then bottoming out in one deep thrust, it nearly punches the air out of your chest. You scrabble for purchase on the door, fingernails scraping against chipped paint. “F-uucckk,” you moan, eyes rolling back in your head as he sets a dizzying pace.

The sound of his balls slapping against the back of your thighs is enough to attract attention on its own, the loud smacksmacksmack going straight to your cunt. Joel growls behind you, driving into you even harder, the tip of his cock brushing against your g-spot.

“Oh, shit,” you cry. Your pussy inadvertently squeezes him and he curses at your back, low and deep.

“Not going to last if you keep doin’ that,” he warns. “Cunt is too fuckin’ good. Best I’ve ever — uuuhh — had.”

He’s not just saying it for show. It’s true. You know it is, too. He’s told you before, both under the influence of your pussy and not. Waited too many goddamn years to feel like this, he’d said once.

“It’s — fuck, it’s fine Joel,” you mutter. “I’m close too, just keep going, right there.”

A door across the hall creaks open. A pair of footsteps patter across tile.

Do you hear that? Yeah; what is that noise?

Joel laughs darkly behind you, snaps his hips up, forcing a guttural moan out of you.

“Think they caught us, darlin’,” he says. “Caught you takin’ my cock like you’re fuckin’ made to.”

Oh my word!

Joel is unrelenting, pounding into you despite the voices right outside your apartment, and you fear for a moment that you’ve created a monster. One of his hands leaves its place on your waist, cracks down on the center of your asscheek with a slap, the flesh recoiling under his palm and you gasp.

The feeling travels between your legs, straight to your neglected clit. It pulsates under the hood with every pass of Joel’s cock over your g-spot, and you feel yourself hurtling toward the edge dangerously fast.

If these people don’t leave, they’re going to hear you cum. Do you want them to hear you cum? Yeah, you think, clit jumping again at the thought, I think I fucking do.

“Joel, fuck-”

“You gonna cum?” he goads. “Yeah, can feel you squeezin’ me — you’re gonna cum, aren’t ya?”

This is vulgar! We should file a noise complaint. C’mon.

His hand snakes around your front then, finds your throbbing bud, and with a few passes of his calloused fingertips, you’re gone, vision whiting out and all noise around you muted.

Joel keeps you upright between him and the door, his grip on you tightening as your muscles slacken. He follows closely behind, cumming inside you with a carnal noise from the back of his throat, rope after rope of his spend filling your cunt.

He pulls out with a grunt, immediately collapsing on the floor. Without his support, you topple over too, falling onto his lap with a satiated giggle.

A banging comes from the other side of the wall then, shaking your kitchen cabinets a few feet away, the clanging of glassware jolting you.

Keep it down next time! I don’t need to hear that!

And then you’re laughing like teenagers, Joel pulling you in for a sloppy kiss, all tongues and teeth.

“Think they’re really gonna make a noise complaint?” Joel asks when you finally come up for air.

“I dunno,” you smile. “Does your offer still stand — for me to move in with you?”

“Always,” he vows, forehead resting against yours.

end notes: ty for reading! pls consider commenting or reblogging if you enjoyed <3

#joel miller x reader #joel miller x f!reader #joel miller x female reader #joel miller smut #joel miller one shot #joel miller fic #tlou fic #the last of us fanfiction #pedro pascal #pedro pascal as joel miller #pedro pascal smut #pedro pascal fanfiction #pedro pascal characters

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shinesurge · 20 days ago

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it's payday for patreon which means i'm pissed off again, the new stupidity this month:

-patreon just didn't send out my payment email this time lol

-payout is 19 dollars short, ah shit, better check to see who left

-lost two guys this month! 10 and 1 dollars, okay, let me check their info so i can take em off the mailing list

-one person is someone i was /never informed was here in the first place/, who ACTUALLY canceled in OCTOBER. I got no notification they signed back up in november, just a second note that they left this month. they were just not in my records at all, good thing they weren't supposed to get any mail jfc

-the other person seems like they'd only intended to pledge for a year, okay! That's fairly normal! except when THEY left, patreon just completely scrubbed their history from my activity, so i couldn't see their email or any other info to look up who it is in my mail records, i had to take their screenname and sleuth out who it is based on keywords. once again, holy SHIT, if i didn't keep my own completely separate filing system supporter rewards would be IMPOSSIBLE

-fortunately, the person giving a dollar who i didn't even know was supporting me was in the Canceled section two different times.

-i am still just straight up missing like eight dollars. declines? invisible cancels? eaten by fees? who the hell knows. i hope i'm not failing to send rewards or sending free stuff to people who dont want it any more :)

remains SO cool and awesome that this is one of the leading direct support platforms in 2024 jesus christ

#none of this even touches on how COMPLETELY broken the website's interface is #clicking 'view on audience manager' takes me to the earnings page and it sends me every time lol

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pucksandpower · 10 months ago

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Of Roomates and Revenge

Lewis Hamilton x fake girlfriend!Reader

Featuring Max Verstappen, Lando Norris, Charles Leclerc, Pierre Gasly, Esteban Ocon, and Nico Rosberg

Summary: in which your search for a free place to stay leads to helping one half of Brocedes live out his petty fantasy for revenge … and falling in love while doing so

Cat and Apartment Sitter Needed (Monaco)

Compensation: €1500/week plus all the Red Bull you can drink

I’m a world-traveling young professional who is rarely home. My two beautiful and rambunctious bengal cats need someone to stay with them in my Monaco apartment whenever I’m away for work.

The ideal candidate will be an experienced cat person who is prepared to deal with a lot of energy, chaos, and shenanigans from these two little terrors. They knock everything off every surface, wrestle at 3am, and will likely attempt to smother you while you sleep. If you can handle that, we’ll get along just fine.

In addition to caring for the cats, you will need to keep my place relatively tidy (i.e. no crushed Red Bull cans or fast food wrappers everywhere), collect any packages or mail that arrives, and randomly turn a few lights on and off every evening so the neighbors don’t get suspicious.

The position is ideal for a mature student, digital nomad, or someone between living situations who wants an amazing place to stay for free in one of the world’s hotspots.

Drop me a line if you think you can handle the cats from hell and wouldn't mind living in a 230 m² penthouse apartment with a private terrace, floor-to-ceiling windows, and a badass view of the Mediterranean. Preference goes to non-smokers who follow directions well and won’t throw ragers when I’m gone.

Send a brief intro, your experience with cats, and a couple photos attached. Urgently need someone for various stretches starting mid-February.

Do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers.

Live-in Cactus Caretaker Needed (Monaco)

Compensation: €1000/week, free snacks, and you can play my Xbox

I’m a young dude who’s rarely home because of my job that involves a lot of international travel. I have a single cactus plant that I promised my mum I would keep alive until she visits again. The thing is ... I have absolutely no idea how to care for plants. Like, I nearly killed it the first week by forgetting it existed.

What I need is someone responsible who can essentially live in my swanky Monaco apartment whenever I’m gone and keep my tiny cactus friend alive.

Duties would include:

Watering the cactus like ... once a month? Twice a month? I don’t know how often it needs water

Not letting the cactus die in any other way (pretty sure they need sunlight too … I think)

Keeping the place tidy (I’m a bit of a mess)

In return, you’d get:

A sick apartment all to yourself with a stunning view, giant TV, and full kitchen (please for the love of god be careful in there ... I almost burned the place down trying to make a grilled cheese once. Seriously, I'm not exaggerating. I almost went up in flames over a silly sandwich. If you can't even operate a microwave, we may have problems. There’s only room for one idiot like that in Monaco — and it’s me)

Unlimited snacks/drinks from my well-stocked pantry

Free rein over my gaming setup (just don’t break anything)

First dibs on any events/reservations I can’t make

The ideal person is responsible, shows they can follow basic instructions for cactus care, laidback since you’ll be alone a lot, and trustworthy enough not to wreck the place or throw illegal parties. Having a green thumb would be great, but frankly if you can manage not to kill the one plant, that’s good enough for me.

Send a brief bio about yourself and your qualifications as a cactus/housesitter if interested! I’m gone quite frequently starting in February so could use someone ASAP.

No scammy offers or soliciting, please!

Roommate Needed to Drink Wine and Listen to My Woes (Monaco)

Compensation: Free rent in a nice apartment, plus all the wine you can drink

Are you a good listener? Do you enjoy dry red wines and occasional bouts of tears and venting? If so, I’ve got the perfect living situation for you!

I’m a youngish guy with a high-stress job that involves a lot of traveling. When I’m home in Monaco, I tend to unwind by polishing off a couple bottles of nice Bordeaux or Burgundy while complaining about work, my colleagues, and my rival who is giving me really mixed signals.

What I need is a roommate who doesn’t mind a little drunken blubbering here and there.

You’ll get:

Your own bedroom in my spacious 2BR/2BA apartment in the La Condamine district

Rights to my kitchen, living room with large TV, piano, and music recording equipment

Access to the building’s pool, sauna, fitness center, and lounge areas

As much wine as you can drink (and more)

In exchange, you’ll be expected to:

Listen to my periodic rants and rave sessions without judgement

Preferably nod along or offer supportive-sounding feedback like “Yeah, that’s really tough man” or “Wow, they sound terrible”

Refill wine glasses as needed

Maybe rub my back or pat my head if I’m really going through it

The ideal candidate is a decent human being who can empathize with the high-pressure struggles of a young professional trying to make it in a cut-throat career.

You’ll need a decent amount of free time and lots of patience. Prior experience as a life coach, therapist, or sympathetic drinking buddy is a plus.

If you can handle crying guys after a few too many glasses of Châteauneuf-du-Pape, inquire within! Include a little about yourself and why you would make a good non-judgmental wine friend. Merci!

Expand Your Search? Similar Opportunities:

Impartial Referee Wanted for Parking Lot Brawls (France)

Compensation: €400 per event

Two athletic young men in their late-20s are looking for a level-headed third party to oversee and officiate their semi-regular parking lot boxing matches. Yes, you read that right — we’re talking straight-up fisticuffs in the back alley behind the Circuit Paul Ricard.

A little background: We’ve been frenemies/rivals since we were kids — constantly competing in friends, employment opportunities, you name it. There’s a healthy amount of hatred between us that simply can't be resolved through words alone. Every few months, we feel the need to just take out our pent-up aggression on each other's faces.

Up until now, it’s been an unregulated shitshow with no real rules or oversight. We’re looking for someone impartial who can:

Set some fair ground rules around where/how we can strike

Ensure no prop weapons get involved (last time he tried to scalp me with a wrench)

Officiate and declare a winner once one of us is knocked out or quits

Ideally have some basic first-aid skills in case of a nasty cut or broken nose

We will pay €400 cash at the start of each bout. You’ll get a free show of two extremely fit dudes wailing on each other until there’s a clear victor.

Loser exits with his tail between his legs, winner gets to gloat for the next couple months until we run it back.

If you can be a neutral third party and aren’t squeamish about a little blood, send us your info with some details about yourself and your experience resolving conflicts (legally or not). First come first served — our next fight is tentatively scheduled for mid-May!

No flakes or perverts, please. Serious connoisseurs of violence only.

P.S. Don’t be scared to give out penalties (one of us is used to that)

Actor or Actress Needed to Annoy Ungrateful Ex-Friend (Monaco)

Compensation: €2700 per week, free luxury accommodations

I’m a successful guy in my late 30s looking to hire someone to pretend to be my significant other for a few months. Before you get the wrong idea, let me explain ...

I had a major falling out with a former best friend who stabbed me in the back years ago. We live in the same apartment building, just one floor apart.

I’m trying to show him how amazing my life still is without him … and maybe make him jealous in the process.

That’s where you come in. I need you to move into my penthouse temporarily and act as my gorgeous new boyfriend/girlfriend.

Your main duties would include:

Loudly introducing yourself to said ex-friend by knocking on his door and being line “Hi, is [insert my name] here?” Then pretend to be embarrassed and apologize when he tells you that you’re at the wrong apartment

Hang out in the hallway near his place and have very loud fake conversations detailing our imaginary passionate nights together (rated R)

Post cringy coupley photos on your social media of us dressed up going out, cuddling on my yacht, etc

Ideally you’re an aspiring actor/actress or just a really convincing liar. Being somewhat loud and dramatic is a plus. You’ll need to be willing to play along if my petty ex-friend tries to confront us.

In return, you’ll be living in a lavish penthouse with all the amenities for free. You’ll have your own private suite and can hang out on the oversized balcony, by the pool, or in the media room when you’re off the clock. Might also be able to introduce you to some high-profile people if you’re trying to network.

Oh, and my bulldog will provide plenty of cuddles.

If you can pull off a remarkably realistic fake partner act and aren’t afraid of a little light deception, hit me up! Please include a couple photos plus a bit about yourself and your acting experience. Aiming to start mid-April.

I’m an equal opportunity employer — girlfriend, boyfriend, nonbinary partner, you name it. All genders welcome to apply for the role if you’ve got what it takes! Only preference is that you have especially luscious hair … for reasons.

No weirdos please.

Hi,

Okay, I have to admit — your ridiculous request to hire a fake girlfriend to make your ex-best friend jealous is quite possibly the pettiest thing I’ve ever heard. And I absolutely love it.

I’m literally the perfect person for this role. Petty vengeance is my middle name (well, not really, it's actually Y/M/N ... but you get the idea).

A little about my qualifications:

Took some theatre electives in university so I can really sell the dramatics

Lots of experience putting on an Oscar-worthy performance faking ... well, you know ... thanks to my douchebag ex-boyfriend who couldn’t be bothered to learn how to pleasure a woman 🙄

Not afraid to get LOUD and will happily reenact our “passionate nights” at earsplitting volumes in that hallway

Can pull off playing dumb if your friend tries to interrogate me about you (“Oh [whatever your name is]? Yeah he’s just the best at ... stuff”)

No shame in my pettiness game — I once spent my weekly paycheck on a Cameo just so an ex’s favorite celebrity would call him a dingleberry

In terms of looks, I’ve been told I have just the right amount of “hot” to make your poor pal jealous without it being too unbelievable. I’m attaching a few photos for reference.

Let me know if you want to meet up for a glass of wine and we can workshop some juicy storylines for our imaginary romance. Perhaps I was a former fling you rediscovered? A hot younger thing giving you a new lease on life? The possibilities are endless!

I’m a pro at faking it, so selling our relationship will be a piece of cake. Your ex-friend will be bright green with envy by the time I’m through!

Let’s make him regret the day he double-crossed you, babe.

Cheers,

Y/N

r/offmychest

u/NotBritneySpears · 16h

My ex-best friend’s new girlfriend is the WORST!

I really need to get this off my chest. My upstairs neighbor’s new girlfriend is, without a doubt, the most insufferable human being on the planet. She’s loud, obnoxious, and seems to take immense pleasure in tormenting me for some reason.

A little background: I used to be really close friends with my neighbor. We had a big falling out a while back over ... well, it’s a long story. We don’t talk anymore and there’s a lot of resentment between us. Clearly the universe is trying to get back at me now with this new girl.

This chick has made it her personal mission to give me a play-by-play account of every single intimate encounter she has with him. And I mean DETAILED accounts. The other day I was just trying to enjoy my morning coffee and I hear her incredibly shrill voice from right outside my door:

“Oh he was an ANIMAL last night! The things he did with his tongue, I thought I was going to pass out!”

Like, seriously? Keep it to yourself, weirdo! That’s just the tame stuff too. Sometimes she’ll go into pretty graphic detail describing body parts and positions that I really didn’t need a mental picture of.

Here’s the thing — she quite obviously positions herself to be as close as possible to my apartment without actually trespassing — I mean, she doesn’t even live on my floor for god’s sake! So every word comes through crystal clear. I’ve confronted her about it a few times and she just plays dumb, like:

“Oh gosh, I’m so sorry if I was being loud! We just get so carried away sometimes, you know how it is,” with this stupid ditzy valley girl voice and hair toss.

I don’t know if my former best friend put her up to this or if she’s just a massive troll in her own right. But it’s like psychological warfare at this point. Literally ANY time I’m home, I have to listen to her yap about their Sex Olympian-level escapades.

My wife even heard them once and thought I was playing porn at an insane volume! She doesn’t believe me that it’s just this deranged lady running her mouth constantly.

I’m half-tempted to start recording her rants and blast them back at full volume to give them a taste of their own medicine. Or maybe start describing lurid details of my own (admittedly not quite so colorful) sex life in retaliation.

I don’t know, maybe I’m being oversensitive. But living under these two insufferable assholes is a waking nightmare. I need to move or something because this is massively affecting my peace of mind. Who knows if they will ever get bored of tormenting me and move on.

Rant over. Thanks for letting me vent about the neighbors from hell.

u/chronicgossiper · 12h

Damn, that sucks man. Your neighbor and his gf sound like immature assholes trying to get a rise out of you. I’d look into noise complaint options or even see if you can get them evicted for harassment.

Reply to u/chronicgossiper · 11h

Seriously? You really think the landlord would evict someone over this? It’s not like they’re blasting music at 3am. Sounds more like passive aggressive pettiness than anything illegal.

u/chronicgossiper · 10h

Idk, having to listen to people loudly describe their sex acts against your will seems like it could qualify as harassment or creating a hostile environment. Worth exploring at least if they won’t stop.

u/NotBritneySpears · 9h

Eviction isn’t really an option here since we all own our apartments and there’s no landlord dictating that. It’s not that type of building.

u/nosyandproud · 8h

Did your former friend move into that building first or did you move in knowing he lived there?

u/NotBritneySpears · 7h

He was there first, I bought my place a few years after him when I could afford it. Never expected he'd pull something this childish.

Reply to u/NotBritneySpears · 6h

So you willingly moved into the same building as your ex-best friend that you aren’t on speaking terms with? That’s just asking for drama, dude.

u/NotBritneySpears · 5h

It’s a great building in an amazing location. I wasn’t going to not pursue the opportunity just because he lives there too. It’s a big place, I didn’t think we’d be running into each other much.

Reply to u/NotBritneySpears · 4h

Still seems like a weird decision to willingly insert yourself into his orbit like that if the relationship was so fractured. Probably should’ve seen some fallout coming.

u/nosyandproud · 3h

Yeah exactly, why would you move somwhere your ex-friend lives if you two clash that much? Kinda put yourself in this situation.

u/NotBritneySpears · 2h

Okay, let me be clear — he and I were best friends for over a decade before we had a colossal falling out a few years ago. We’re not just some casual ex-buddies who don’t get along. We were legitimately very close for most of our lives until things went nuclear between us. When I decided to move into the building, our friendship had been over for a while already. I really didn’t anticipate he’d take things to this vindictive level years later. I’m not going to miss out on my dream home just because of what happened between us.

Reply to u/NotBritneySpears · 1h

This is getting juicyyy, do tell about what caused the falling out!

u/NotBritneySpears

Not really trying to dredge up old drama, that’s a whole other can of worms. The girlfriend situation is annoying enough as is.

Reply to u/NotBritneySpears · 51m

Fair enough, you gave context. Still think you two need to have an adult conversation about boundaries. Purposely trying to loudly narrate their sex life at you is unhinged.

r/relationships

u/yourusername · 19h

I’m catching real feelings for the guy who hired me to be his fake girlfriend to get revenge on his ex-friend ... help?

Buckle up folks, because I’ve got one hell of a tangled situation to unpack here. This is going to be a long one.

About a month ago, I responded to this Facebook Marketplace ad from a guy (let’s call him L) looking to hire someone to pretend to be his new girlfriend. The goal was to make his former best friend/downstairs neighbor jealous after a brutal falling out between them.

I know, I know, it sounds ridiculous. But the benefits were good and I’d be living in his insane luxury penthouse in Monaco rent-free. More importantly, I really vibed with L’s pettiness and desire to get deliciously pathetic revenge on his ex-friend. My last boyfriend was the actual worst, so I was absolutely here for any slightly insane Karen antics.

Anyway, we hit it off immediately at the “audition” over drinks. L is brilliant, successful, gorgeous, and fucking hilarious in a sarcastic, unfiltered way. We both have a wicked mean streak and frankly get off on emotionally messy situations. It was like looking into a mirror — two beautiful trainwrecks finding each other in the wreckage.

From night one, we had crazy chemistry. The back-and-forth banter was electric, we finished each other’s sentences, etc. I felt so comfortable around him despite the bizarre circumstances. I assumed it was all fun and games to toy with his former best friend.

But over the last few weeks of loudly chronicling our “sex marathons”!outside said ex-friend’s door and doing phony coupley things around the city, I’ve realized my feelings are ... complicated. L and I CONNECT on a deeper level, in addition to just being partners in crime. We’ll be tangled up watching movies and he’ll make some perfectly timed quippy comment that has me cackling until my abs hurt. Or we’ll get deliriously wasted and end up baring our souls about our upbringings, dreams, fears — everything.

I’ve never been so open or comfortable around someone before. Our walls are gone. And the most messed up part? Some small, perverse part of me loves the strange intimacy we’ve manufactured through this farce. How much closer can you get than meticulously co-creating a fictional relationship?

In the beginning, I think we were both just in it for the laughs and pettiness factor. But something shifted for me recently. One night we were drunkenly rehearsing how I was going to describe our latest imaginary tryst to his ex-friend and ... I don’t know, I couldn’t stop staring at his lips while he was talking. His face was so close to mine and I felt breathless. In that moment, I wanted nothing more than to ditch the script and really kiss him. I had to physically stop myself from lunging forward.

Later, when I went back to my room, I was hit with a crushing wave of realization — I have actual romantic FEELINGS for this basketcase who hired me to play-act as his girlfriend! What the actual fuck?

Guys, I’m in too deep. How did I let this happen? L is technically still my employer and this whole operation has an expiration date. His former friend is already growing visibly annoyed, so Phase 2 (feign a dramatic breakup, I move out, L moves on with his life) is likely coming up very soon.

Do I just bury my feelings and end this gig without saying anything? Do I risk the humiliation of confessing my heart to someone who was only pretending to want me around? Or should I just go for it and make out with him next time we’re tangled on the couch? I’m spiraling here!

The pettiness that brought us together may also tear us apart. Or maybe I’m just a sad clown who read too much into a fake relationship. Someone slap me with a reality check, please! I need perspective from the outside.

Tl;DR - Developed legit romantic feelings for the guy who hired me to be his fake girlfriend as part of his weird revenge plot. Not sure if I should come clean, keep it professional, or start actually making out with him for real. This was NOT part of the deal!

u/judgingloudly · 18h

Oh honey, you are in a MESS. This is like a bad romcom plot but IRL. I think your only real option is to fess up and tell L how you’re feeling. Contrary to popular belief, the fake dating trope doesn’t always have to stay pretend!

If he doesn’t feel the same way, at least you put it all out there and can move on with some dignity intact. But who knows — from how you describe the crazy chemistry and connection, he might feel relieved you said something first! Don’t let this fire burn out without taking your shot. Oh and definitely keep us updated, I’m invested now!

Reply to u/judgingloudly · 17h

I agree with this take. You already acknowledged you’re in too deep emotionally. Might as well put those cards on the table and let the chips fall where they may. Shooting your shot is always better than letting the “what if” eat away at you forever!

u/livefordrama · 16h

I’m sorry but I simply must ask — how did you land a gig like this? And does he happen to have any more openings for a fake girlfriend? Asking for a friend …

u/yourusername · 15h

Honestly it was a random Facebook ad looking for exactly this — a girl to move in and fake date this guy to drive his feuding neighbor up the wall. I applied semi-joking but he picked me!

As for openings, not that I know of ... yet. I may have to quit soon depending how this all plays out, so will keep you posted if my spot opens up!

Reply to u/yourusername · 14h

Omg please do! I would 100% take on a role like this, it sounds like a total riot.

u/unpaidtherapist · 13h

Girl, I think you already know what you have to do here. Is keeping things professional and never admitting your feelings really an option at this point? You’re clearly enamored with this guy and he seems to reciprocate the intensity at least platonically so far. I say GO FOR IT!

Just pull him aside one day, say “hey this isn’t just an act for me anymore, I really like you and need to know if there’s a possibility for us or not.” If he’s as caught off guard and freaked out as you’re implying, a direct conversation is needed to get those cards on the table. Don’t die wondering “what if?” That’s my advice.

u/everydayopportunist · 12h

This is so wild, I’m living for this drama! Seriously might need to pursue some similar gigs myself, apparently that’s where all the romance happens these days 😂

u/devilsadvocate · 11h

I’m sorry but I have to go against the grain here — please do NOT make a move or confess any feelings! This guy hired you for a very specific job under very specific pretenses. Catching real feels was not part of the deal at all. Selfishly throwing that at him out of the blue would be so unfair after he opened his home to you. I worry he could feel betrayed and violated even if he did secretly like you back.

My advice? Give it a few weeks, see if these feelings persist or if it was just a passing crush brought on by the intimacy you’ve found yourselves in. If it’s still intense after cooling off, then maybe consider looping him in. But don’t go nuclear until you're absolutely sure. You could risk imploding a good work situation and friendship over a temporary infatuation. Tread very lightly!

Reply to u/devilsadvocate · 10h

I’m with this take, OP shouldn’t jeopardize her living situation if her feelings might be fleeting. Taking a step back and giving it more time could provide clarity. It’s easy to get caught up in the fantasy.

The more prudent move is to wait until the “job” wraps up before considering opening that can of worms. If feelings persist minus the contrived closeness, she’ll know it's real. But springing it on the guy now seems wildly unfair and could blow up in her face.

r/AmITheAsshole

u/veganGOAT · 15h

AITA for turning down my fake girlfriend after she admitted feelings, only to want her back days later?

I think I may have tremendously fucked up in a spectacularly messy way. Let me walk you through the tangled web I’ve woven ...

A couple months ago, I (39M) hired this woman to essentially move into my apartment and pretend to be my new girlfriend. I know it sounds batshit crazy … but I was trying to make my ex-best friend/neighbor jealous after a bitter falling out between us.

She was the perfect partner for this ruse — sarcastic and spunky, with a hint of unhinged energy. We bonded instantly over bottles of wine and throwing deliciously overblown “loud sex” performances in the hallway to drive my ex-friend nuts. What was meant to be a transaction quickly bloomed into a legitimately fun, effortless friendship.

Soon after, we started having real sex. It sort of just … happened, albeit very awkwardly at first. Like “well this is weird, want to try it for real just to see?” And what do you know, we had insane chemistry between the sheets too! We were soon sleeping together nearly every night, always swearing afterwards that it was “just for fun” and didn’t mean anything more.

But I started catching feelings. She was hilarious, confident, beautiful — everything I could ever want in a partner. We had connected on a deeper level through the medium of batshit pettiness. And our physical intimacy only amplified that bond.

Cut to a couple weeks ago. We had just finished a particularly athletic round and were cuddled up, spent. Out of nowhere, she pipes up nervously: “Hey … I think I’m really falling for you. I don't want this to just be sex or games anymore. I want to really try being together.”

I froze. The words I had been longing to hear suddenly terrified me in that moment. My throat clenched up as a wave of panic crashed over me (yes, I’m well aware of how stupid this was in hindsight). After an agonizing pause, I managed to choke out: “I’m sorry, but I can’t do that. This thing between us was only ever supposed to be fake. I don’t think of you that way.”

I could actually see her face crumble. She quickly mumbled “okay” and slid out of my bed, wrapping a sheet around herself to cover her dejection. I swear I heard muffled sobs through the wall once she was back in her guest room. I felt like a piece of shit.

The next few days were some of the most awkward, brutal tension I’ve ever experienced. She was now acting like a scorned woman just doing her job, no intimacy whatsoever. We could barely make eye contact.

It took seeing her so closed off, so cold, for me to realize how much I desperately missed her warmth, humor, friendship. How much I longed for the easy intimacy we once had, both emotional and physical. I tried a few times to apologize or explain myself, but she brushed me off — utterly walled off to protect herself.

After days of wrestling with my suppressed feelings, I realized that I was in love with this wonderful woman. Hiring her as a fake girlfriend was one of the best things I had ever done because it brought her into my life … and now I didn’t want to let her go. She was becoming my person, even if she had started out as a farce.

But here’s where I really need some impartial perspective — AITA for freezing up and rejecting her confession?

I didn’t meant to tank her feelings so callously. I think I just ... panicked in that moment. The idea of committing to a real relationship terrified me in ways I didn’t expect. My career keeps me constantly on the go, always jet-setting to the next thing. Could I really give a romance the time and energy it deserves right now?

Part of me also felt massively conflicted about the circumstances. I’m literally paying her to pretend to be my girlfriend as a sort of ongoing petty revenge. If I admitted I wanted to actually date her, wouldn't that blur consent lines in some messed up way? Like, is she just going along with it because she’s on the payroll?

I know these both sound like flimsy excuses, but they were very real fears racing through my mind in that moment. Fears that made me impulsively reject her, despite how utterly gone I was.

Now, days later, those same hangups don’t seem so insurmountable. Maybe she and I could make something work, travel schedules and all. And if she reciprocated feelings, it would be a starting point — not her just placating me for a check. We could rip up the old arrangement and start fresh.

But I haven’t confessed any of this to her yet out of gut-wrenching cowardice. She’s still giving me this cold, professional shoulder. I don’t know how to begin recanting my idiotic reaction and opening up about the REAL reasons I panicked — the commitment fears, the moral dilemma, all of it.

Part of me wonders if I even have the right to try and pursue things with her at this point? I absolutely shattered her feelings for my own hangups just days ago. AITA for potentially stringing her along further by trying to retroactively take it all back? Maybe I’ve missed my window and should just let this phase of my life be over before it gets even more painful and messy?

Ugh, I’m rambling now. The crux is — AITA for how I recklessly rejected her in that moment? Do I even have a right to try and make amends after that thunderous fumble? Or should I just take the L, chalk it up to collateral damage of being in the world’s most messy pseudo-relationship, and move on?

u/juryofone · 14h

YTA, but only because you handled the initial rejection in the worst way possible. Your reasons for hesitating are somewhat understandable. But you really dropped the ball in communicating that to her in the moment.

Instead of calmly explaining where your headspace was at, you just blurted out a kneejerk rejection that crushed her feelings. No wonder she went ice cold — that had to sting like hell! If you had taken a breath and talked it through with more nuance, maybe you could’ve reached an understanding.

The good news is, you’ve now realized how much you DO want this woman in your life as more than a pretend romance. I don’t think you’re an AH for having those feelings or wanting to pursue her again, provided you make a sincere, thoughtful effort to apologize for your tactless approach before.

My advice? Explain the real reasons you froze up, how torn you felt over everything, and make it clear you still have feelings. But lead with a heartfelt apology for how horribly you botched it at first. If she’s willing to give you one more chance after that, DO NOT blow it.

Reply to u/juryofone · 13h

I agree with this take. He’s not an AH for the situation, but majorly the AH for the WAY he handled rejecting her. That had to sting badly after putting herself out there. The mature thing is to own up to that and properly communicate where his head was at.

Reply to u/juryofone · 12h

Yeah, going straight for “I can’t do that, I don’t think of you that way” after she bared her soul was so harsh and unnecessary. He could have let her down wayyyy more gently if he was that conflicted about it all. She must’ve felt like a fool!

u/neutralpartier · 11h

NAH — I get that you panicked in the heat of the moment and why this whole situation is heavy with ethical quandaries. The reality is, you two started off pretending but real feelings developed, and that’s okay! It happens. The moral issue only remains if you knowingly took advantage of or manipulated her feelings while she was on your payroll. Since you seem just as confused as she was, I don’t think any lines were really crossed.

The way forward is to rip off the bandaid once and for all. If you have mutual feelings now, figure out if you want to date as equals. If not, it’s time to part ways amicably while you both still can. But don’t keep paying her while catching feels — THAT would make you an AH.

u/glasshalfempty · 10h

ESH ... look, you suck for how you handled rejecting her confession. That was really hurtful and avoidant no matter your internal struggles. She sucks for going into this thinking it was all pretend, catching real feelings, and expecting you to want to be serious too. You PAID her to be your fake GF and made that clear.

My suggestion is to have an honest discussion about whether you can BOTH separate the transactions from reality. If you’re both all-in on trying for real, great! But one of you is going to get burned if expectations don’t align. And please, for the love of god, stop paying her!

Reply to u/glasshalfempty · 9h

This is exactly what I was thinking too! Way too messy ethically to keep paying her as the lines blur between fantasy job and real romance. Either take the plunge and date properly or go separate ways for good.

Reply to u/glasshalfempty · 8h

Agree but like ... is this even real? How does someone end up hiring a fake girlfriend to make their former best friend jealous? That alone sounds like a bad romcom plot.

u/criticaloverthinker · 7h

I’m calling cap on this whole wild story. Childhood besties turned feuding enemies living in the same building? A fake girlfriend who moves in as part of an elaborate revenge plan? It’s all too unbelievable.

u/struggling-with-reddit · 6h

I’ll play along and rate, but no way is this post legit lol. Having a fake girlfriend you eventually catch feelings for while pranking your neighbor? What’s next, one of you is actually royalty or a secret millionaire? Too much happening here.

Reply to u/struggling-with-reddit · 5h

Hahaha I know right, the excessive details and backstory gave it away as creative writing practice or something. No judgment from me, it was an entertaining read at least!

u/struggling-with-reddit · 4h

Next thing you know, OP will be claiming he’s Michael Schumacher or something 😂

r/AmITheAsshole

u/veganGOAT · 8h

UPDATE — I’m the idiot who rejected then realized I loved my fake girlfriend … and she took me back!

When I made my initial post a bit over a month ago about this whole fake girlfriend situation, most of you understandably called it outrageously far-fetched.

Which, fair. How does someone actually end up hiring a woman to fake date them just to make their neighbor jealous? It does sound ripped straight from a Nicholas Sparks fever dream.

Well put on your straight jackets, because this ridiculous saga is 100% real. And I’ve got an update that’s even crazier than the original tale ...

After reading the feedback on my initial post (and getting a whole lot of shit from some friends too), it became crystal clear that I had to make things right. I put her through the emotional wringer by callously rejecting her in the moment, when her feelings were just as tangled up as mine were. I owed her a sincere apology and a proper explanation of why I froze — with no more deflections or excuses.

So I wrote her a long letter. I laid it all out there. How torn I felt about the ethical and emotional complexities of our arrangement. How her vulnerability awoke my own fears about commitment, my transient lifestyle, and whether I could realistically be the partner she deserved. Mostly, I repeatedly owned up to being a thoughtless prick who shattered her trust out of pure pathetic self-preservation.

But above all, I made one thing clear — despite my bumbling, I had fallen for her too. Completely and utterly. She had cracked through my defenses and healing her hurt became the only thing that mattered.

I ended the letter by owning up to the fact that she now held all the power. While she had moved into this arrangement under certain pretenses, I had violated that implied contract. The ball was entirely in her court now. I would abide by whatever decision she landed on — friendship, an amicable parting of ways, or taking the terrifying gamble of trying to make this the real deal.

When she emerged from her room the next morning, I could barely look at her. I was a sweaty, nauseated wreck, steeling myself for the worst. She sat down next to me in silence and unleashed the longest, most blistering dressing down of my life. How I had made her feel so small, so foolish, so painfully vulnerable. Words like “coward” and “asshole” were thrown around. But you know what phrase stung most?

“I wish you had told me all of this up front instead of dealing with it like a child. I could’ve understood where you were coming from.”

It was a dagger — she was absolutely right. My dumb automatic rejection utterly betrayed the openness and intimacy we had built. Still, she didn’t dismiss me entirely. She would need some time to think, but asked that I stand by for an answer.

The limbo period was … not fun.

After four excruciating days, she came to me again. This time, she was almost shy, like her old self. She told me she had thought it over extensively, and ultimately my explanation and full-hearted apology won her over. I may be an idiot, an asshole, and a bit of a mess (her words), but I was an honest idiot with a good heart under all the bravado. And that’s what had drawn her to me in the first place.

So with the understanding that we would both need to work on our communication skills and respective hang-ups, she was in. We would press the reset button altogether, end our old arrangement, and try to make this relationship happen for real — messy origins be damned.

That was exactly a month ago today, and things have never been better. Sure, we still lean into some harmless (and vaguely unhinged) pettiness with my former friend from time to time. Some habits are too fun to quit cold turkey. But ultimately, I’ve never been so grateful for the insane set of circumstances that brought this amazing woman into my life. We may have started as an acting exercise, but we took a leap together into something beautifully real.

And yeah, I still have to hear shit from literally everyone about how our romance origin story is the most unbelievable meet-cute of all time. But I’ve learned to lean into the absurdity. After all, what’s life without a little chaos and a perfect partner to share in the pandemonium?

Thanks to everyone who offered candid advice on my original post. You may have received an update sooner if not for all the people accusing me of faking it! All I can say is … this is my blissfully ridiculous reality now.

u/juryofone · 7h

Well hot damn, I have to hand it to you — this saga is even wilder than the original post let on! I went from being totally skeptical of the whole outrageous situation to being fully invested in this insane romance. Love that she put you through the wringer a bit before taking you back. You absolutely deserved that and more after treating her like you did.

But huge props to you for manning up with that apology and giving her the power to make the next move. That vulnerability and respect for her feelings despite your own doubts is what true partnership is all about. I have a feeling you two chaotic bastards are going to be just fine as a real couple now that all the crazy pretenses have been stripped away. Wishing you both nothing but more pandemonium and pettiness together!

u/neutralpartier · 7h

I’m officially obsessed with this love story. You went from hiring a woman off to punk your neighbor, to breaking her heart over catching feelings, to doing the MOST to grovel your way back into her good graces, to ACTUALLY SUCCEEDING. It’s romcom gold! I need this to get optioned for a movie immediately.

u/glasshalffull · 6h

As wild as this story has been from start to finish, this update has me straight up emotional! The groveling, the way you explained your fears, her roasting you for days before mercifully taking you back … my heart. Love that she cut straight through the bullshit by calling you an idiot AND acknowledging your good heart. That’s the ideal balance.

I’m so invested in this nonsense and need regular updates on how things progress from here. You better not blow it after all this chaos or I’ll be leading the charge to vandalize your apartment!

u/romanticempath · 5h

What a journey! To go from manufacturing a fake relationship purely for petty vengeance, to developing REAL emotional stakes, to breaking each other's hearts quite viscerally, to finding your way back together through sheer vulnerability? Incredible stuff.

I laughed, cried (a little, don’t judge), and cringed throughout this entire saga. Thank you for bringing us all along for the insane roller coaster. I wish nothing but ridiculous happiness for you and her moving forward!

u/fairytaledreamer · 4h

I’m sorry but I still can’t get over the fact that this is somehow a real series of events? You’re a madman and this is truly unhinged (but also incredible). How did ALL of this unfold before your 40s?

Romcoms have been put to bed. Welcome to 2024, where people actually hire fake GFs to get revenge on their scorned former friends, develop legit attachment issues, torpedo everything in a panic, grovel for redemption fit for cinematic history, and somehow STILL end up together in some sort of demented happily ever after!

All I can say is cherish the chaos you've manifested. I can’t wait to see what bonkers plotlines await the two you. Start recording everything for the biopic!

Reply to u/fairytaledreamer · 3h

“Cherish the chaos” is absolutely the perfect sign off for this update. I’m deceased at this whole wild drama, but also soooo invested! Cannot wait for the inevitable Netflix mini series. Thanks for the laughs, drama, and emotional whiplash!

r/offmychest

u/NotBritneySpears · 21h

My ex-bestie’s wedding to his obnoxious girlfriend was a nightmare … and so was their wedding night (unfortunately)

You’ll have to bear with me on this one, because I’m still reeling a bit from one of the most cringey, uncomfortable, and downright baffling weekends of my entire life. I need to get this off my chest before I have a full mental breakdown.

A couple years ago, I made a post venting about my former best friend’s new girlfriend at the time. For those who missed the saga, she was an insufferably loud woman who seemed to take immense pleasure in loudly narrating her sex life with my former friend right outside my apartment door. It was psychological warfare, plain and simple.

Well, I’m sure you can all see where this is going based on the title. Against all odds and reason, this woman and my ex-friend somehow stuck it out … until he put a ring on it last year. Which leads me to the first in a cascading series of mind-numbing events — receiving a wedding invitation from the happy couple!

Now, let’s be clear — I have not spoken to my former best friend in almost a decade at this point. Not since our cataclysmic falling out (a story for another day). We were thick as thieves until our bond was shattered beyond repair. For him to invite me to his wedding with the woman who crudely mocked their intimacy for my benefit was … certainly a choice.

On one hand, why on EARTH would you invite the person whose heart you deliberately stomped on so many years ago? It felt like a cruel joke, rubbing salt in an open wound that never fully healed. A reminder of their domestic bliss and my bitter ostracism.

Yet on the other hand, maybe there was a subconscious part of me that would have felt insulted if he didn’t invite me after so many shared years? As if he had utterly erased me from his life without a second thought? The thought gut punched me too in an admittedly unhealthy way.

Long story short, I RSVP’d yes … half out of morbid curiosity and half out of a deeply unwell desire to not get excluded from such a significant life event. In hindsight, a foolish decision that kicked off a horrifically uncomfortable series of events.

The wedding itself was … a lot. An over-the-top spectacle at an insanely expensive venue. My miserable self stuck out like a sore thumb surrounded by all the adoring couple’s friends and family. I sat through mushy vows reaffirming their “unlikely origin” in the “most unexpected yet fortuitous way” … while trying not to puke.

So yeah, sheer cringe start to finish. Little did I know the worst discomfort was yet to come!

In perhaps the most on-brand grand gesture of the entire weekend, the groom rented out an entire boutique hotel for all out-of-town guests to stay at after the reception. That way we could all keep the party going nearby before he whisked his new bride off to parts unknown on their honeymoon the next day.

Ever the gracious host with a penchant for the spectacle, he let wedding guests draw for their room assignments out of an actual top hat. I somehow managed to get seated right next to his parents who, while cordial enough, knew me as the ex-best friend responsible for so much fractured history.

But wait, there’s more! Wouldn’t you know, the universe is supremely messed up because I ended up with the room directly underneath the newlywed suite. Yes … I spent their wedding night listening to a live-streamed porn broadcast courtesy of the paper-thin walls and floors.

Dolphin sounds didn’t even BEGIN to cover the unholy noises raining down from above around 2am. I’m talking full-on screams of unbridled passion echoing off the walls at maximum volume. Mind you, this woman had become infamous for over-enunciating their coitus for my benefit previously. Now it was a frighteningly real-life rendition that no noise-cancelling headphones could drown out.

I finally had to flee my room to the lobby. I ended up crashing on one of the lobby couches until an employee politely asked me to leave around 6am. Disheveled, disoriented, and officially diagnosed with PTSD from the sounds I cannot unhear.

So yeah … not exactly a therapeutic reunion that could have allowed my ex-friend and I to bury the hatchet. If anything, this wedding was one massive “screw you” that opened up all the same unresolved wounds. I need about 20 years of intensive therapy to move on.

I also need to find a new place to live because I can’t bear returning to that cursed apartment building.

u/chronicgossiper · 18h

Dude, I think you need to get some serious perspective here. Your ex-friend getting married and going on a honeymoon has absolutely zero to do with you. That level of self-centeredness is off the charts.

Why in the world would this guy plan an entire wedding — one of the biggest days of his life — around secretly tormenting you again over ancient history? That makes no sense. He invited you as a polite gesture after years apart, probably hoping to start burying the hatchet. The room assignments were random by your own admission.

As for the … “noises” … look, they were on their wedding night. Maybe overenthusiastic, but 100% to be expected between newlyweds. It’s not some psychological ploy, just poor planning on their part for thin walls. You’re projecting like crazy if you think that was directed at you specifically.

At a certain point, you have to realize the universe doesn’t actually revolve around your grudges or history with this person. They’ve clearly moved on to live their best life. It’s on you to stop obsessing over them and do the same.

Reply to u/chronicgossiper · 16h

I agree, this is just pure paranoia from OP. No newly wedded couple is sitting around thinking “how can we sneakily stick it to your ex-best friend during our wedding festivities?” That’s deranged thinking.

They invited you to be polite, you drew an unlucky room assignment near their suite, and then biology happened on their wedding night. Hilarious and awkward coincidence? Yes. Intricately designed fuck you from the bride and groom? Come on now, that’s giving them way too much credit.

u/NotBritneySpears · 13h

Maybe you all have a point, and I am still holding onto way too much resentment and baggage from our falling out. My intention wasn’t to imply they orchestrated an elaborate sting operation around their wedding. More just a general sense that the universe has a funny way of reminding me about them at highly inconvenient times over the years.

Reply to u/NotBritneySpears · 12h

Even that line of thinking is incredibly self-centered though. Why would random coincidences or them just … living their lives be the “universe’s way of reminding you” about your failed friendship? That makes it sound like they should perpetually be walking on eggshells and avoiding certain life events just because you can’t get over the past.

Look, it sucks that things fell apart so badly between you two. But they have clearly moved on, as you should too. This obsessive framing of their marriage as some universal affront to you is … not healthy, my dude.

u/nosyandproud · 10h

The wedding itself sounds like it was in poor taste for sure, so I can certainly understand feeling aggravated and triggered being there as the scorned former friend.

That said … you’re borrowing A LOT of trouble by assuming any of their private wedding night activities were purposely being broadcast to you specifically. Projection level 1000 there.

At the end of the day, these people have built a whole entire life and future together now that quite literally has nothing to do with you anymore. You looking for “signs” that they’re still fixated on you is just self-involvement. For your own mental health, you have to let go of whatever happened and see them as background characters in the story of your life now.

u/realitychecker · 7h

OP, you need to take a step back and realize that the sheer logistics involved in purposely torturing you at their wedding are just not plausible. Do you really think they were like:

“Alright honey, for our wedding night I was thinking we should make sure your former friend gets the room directly below ours! That way when we really get after it, he’ll be able to hear every excruciating moan and body smacking sound in haunting detail! That’ll show him for being your friend a decade ago! Mwahaha!”

Come on, mate. That’s delusional cartoon villain level scheming you’re attributing to them. Occam's Razor — they just wanted to consummate their marriage in privacy and didn’t account for the thin hotel walls. The world doesn’t actually revolve around your history with this!

Reply to u/realitychecker · 5h

Lmaooo the idea of them sitting around strategizing the most psychological warfare possible on their wedding night is killing me. “Yes honey, we simply MUST reenact scenes from our noisiest adult films for your ex-best friend’s terrible pleasure!”

u/buildingbridges

OP, it seems like you really miss having your friend in your life if I’m reading between the lines here. Getting invested to this level over random coincidences at his wedding doesn’t come from a place of hatred, but hurt and longing for that bond again.

My advice? Use this weekend as a wake-up call to stop obsessing, reflect on whatever caused your rift, and decide if you want to properly reconnect. If not, you need to rip that band-aid off for good and stop torturing yourself over what will never be again. Or the walls between you two will just get thinner and thinner ...

r/ask

u/amateurdetective · 15h

I think these juicy Reddit posts actually interconnect … but I need your help cracking the code

I think I’ve stumbled onto something wild here and I need the Reddit hive mind to help me piece this tangled web together. Are you ready for some batshit conspiracy-level connecting of barely-there dots? Too bad, I’m going in anyway.

So, over the past few years, I kept seeing these extremely juicy, dramatically-written posts pop up every few months that seemed … oddly interconnected despite being in different subreddits.

Hear me out:

First there was the unhinged post in r/offmychest from a guy ranting about his former best friend’s obnoxious new girlfriend. Dude was griping about how this woman would loudly recount the smutty details of her sex life with the ex-friend whenever she was in his general vicinity, seemingly just to mess with the OP. We’re talking legitimately disturbing stuff about feeling “psychologically tortured” by her oversharing.

Fast forward a few months and I stumble across a wild post in r/relationships from the perspective of this same “obnoxious” girlfriend! Except her story painted a whole different, unhinged picture — she was hired on FACEBOOK MARKETPLACE by the former friend to literally move in and fake date him as part of an ongoing revenge plot against the OP from the first post. She rapidly develops legitimate feelings for the guy and it becomes a messy will-they-won’t-they romcom situation.

But THEN there was a follow-up post from the fake boyfriend’s side in r/AmITheAsshole about him realizing he caught feelings too before nearly blowing it, followed by another saga-capping update about them deciding to pursue a real relationship against all odds and absurdity.

Are you seeing the parallels here? These three posters each gave one side of an absolute dumpster fire of a convoluted love triangle situation that seemingly intersected. And based on the intricate backstories, my crackpot theory is they all emanated from the same formerly tight friend group that experienced a bitter falling out.

The insane attention to detail, literary flair, and geometry of it all almost had me utterly convinced these were all fictionalized creative writing exercises posted separately across Reddit … but building on the same unhinged storylines each step of the way.

I’m utterly obsessed with mapping this all out into one cohesive narrative now. My working theory is something like this:

Some guy hired an actress to pose as his fake GF and torment his former friend as revenge for some past betrayal

The two fake partners rapidly caught real feelings amid the ruse, he panics and nearly torpedoes it

Meanwhile, the ex-best friend is losing his mind overhearing the fake girlfriend’s loud performances and comes to Reddit for advice, not realizing it’s all a ploy

After a saga of miscommunication, the fake boyfriend comes clean and the couple decide to actually date for real

Capping things off, the former friend is forced to attend their wedding where he’s subjected to one final night of unholy noises

Does it all track? Or have I completely unraveled the conspiracy and stumbled onto a drastically personal set of circumstances being workshopped on Reddit? If so, that’s some ludicrously elaborate storytelling!

I need to know if I’m onto something here or completely off my rocker. If the former, I’ll burn every last calorie mapping out a master record of events across all the posts. If the latter … someone needs to drop their juicy fanfic writing prompts because these were WILDLY entertaining reads.

Help me connect these dots or point me towards any other potentially linked tales! This has been a public service aneurysm brought to you by pure boredom.

u/scepeticbynature · 14h

Wow, you’ve gone full Sherlock Holmes with this. I’m dying at how insanely detailed your working theory is in tying together these random Reddit posts into one cohesive narrative. This is either a brilliant piece of performance art … or you need your meds adjusted, my friend.

Reply to u/scepticbynature · 12h

Hahaha exactly! The amount of time and brain power OP has devoted to mapping this out is beyond obsessive. I don’t know whether to applaud the commitment to the bit or get them professional help.

u/amateurdetective · 10h

I’m sorry, did you actually read through the posts in question? The intersecting pieces of random, elaborate backstory between all three distinct voices is way too specific and layered for it to be an accidental alignment. There are unambiguous throughlines about:

A pair of feuding former childhood best friends

One hiring a woman off Facebook to pose as his fake GF and torment the other as revenge

Said fake relationship descending into a very real emotional entanglement for both parties

The eventual fallout of the ex-friend having to bear witnessing the real couple’s wedding and chaos that followed

Like that’s such a bizarrely specific plot keeping consistent across three different users’ lenses! So you’re either pointing out the artistry of someone doing an incredibly elaborate creative writing exercise across multiple subs … or these people are just leading unbelievably unhinged lives. And part of me hopes it’s the latter? It’s too batshit crazy not to be true!

Reply to u/amateurdetective · 9h

Or, and hear me out … it’s all an internal dialogue you’re having with your numerous Reddit personalities to work out your own unresolved relationship issues. We’re all just incredibly intricate fragments of your aching psyche!

u/opinionatedtruther · 7h

Lmao you are both nuts, but I have to side with OP on this one. The chances of these being all interconnected fabricated stories is way too perfect to be an accident. All the tiny threads and recurring backstories/character details woven between wildly different subreddit posts? That’s not a coincidence.

I could buy it maybe being some extended Reddit fanfic experiment between a couple of redditors seeing who can craft more engaging characters and drama while world-building off each other’s plot threads. Like a weird form of collabing through the confined lens of Reddit posts. It would be pretty genius if so.

But for it to be entirely real with all the coinciding details scattered across entirely unrelated posts like that? I’m sorry, but there’s just no way. That’s beyond the scope of believability for me. OP may be bungling the conspiracy, but they’re onto something for sure!

u/amateurdetective · 6h

THANK YOU, someone gets it! And to answer your other theory … while I can’t 100% rule out some sort of viral Reddit fanfic experiment, I struggle to believe even the most creative writers would be capable of improvising THAT intricately interconnected of a storyline stream-of-consciousness style like that.

Like each voice and perspective they inhabit remains remarkably consistent across such wildly different contexts (relationship drama, life events, ethical debates, and updates). It would take incredible skill to stay in the headspaces of these distinct individuals and keep their personalities/plot orbits from tangling into an incomprehensible mess. While possible, it seems incredibly unlikely.

That’s what has me believing there’s a remarkable kernel of stranger-than-fiction truth at the heart of this whole saga being teased out piece-by-piece. Or again … I’ve finally been gaslit into being a tin foil hatter of beautiful Reddit fantasies. Either way I’m here for it!

Reply to u/amateurdetective · 3h

All I have to say is please touch some grass and post to r/creativewriting instead 🙄

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uviausa · 2 years ago

Text

Will Pay-Per-Click or Account Based Marketing perform better in 2023?

At the end of the year, we’re all taking a look at our budgets. In a perfect world, you would be able to spend as much money as needed on every possible strategy. However, this world is far from perfect, and you’re likely having to make some tough budgetary decisions for your 2023 marketing. https://www.uviaus.com/blog/ppc-vs-abm-in-2023

#direct mails #direct-mailmarketing #lead generators #generation of leads #B2b direct mail marketing

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shonen-brainrot · 1 year ago

Text

Divorced!Bakugo, who clung to the belief that your talk of divorce was a jest until the final moments. However, when the papers arrived in the mail, disbelief gripped him. The reality struck hard — you had indeed taken the steps, filling out the divorce papers. The truth unfolded before him: you no longer wished to be Dynamight's wife.

Divorced!Bakugo, who, aware of his anger issues that you found disturbing, chose not to address or change his harsh demeanor. His gruff and ugly behavior persisted, marked by frequent outbursts and yelling directed at both you and his child. His dedication to hero work took precedence over family time, leading to his frequent absence. In addition, he exhibited controlling tendencies, exerting influence over every aspect of your life.

Divorced!Bakugo, who refused a cordial divorce, and instead chose to air your private grievances publicly. With a sadistic amusement, he watched as you struggled to maintain composure in the court.

Divorced!Bakugo, who's now haunted by the echoes of a love that once burned brightly. He now navigates the desolate landscape of solitude. In the quiet of his empty home, the walls seem to absorb the unspoken words that were never uttered during those final, bitter moments. The scent of loneliness lingers, a constant reminder of the void left in the wake of a shattered relationship.

Divorced!Bakugo, who wears a mask of indifference, concealing the cracks in his heart. The world sees the explosive hero, but beneath the surface, there's a vulnerability that only the shadows witness.

Divorced!Bakugo, who sinks into an unhealthy state of mind. The solitude that envelopes him becomes a breeding ground for toxic thoughts. Haunted by relentless thoughts of you and the child you took away, he struggles to maintain focus. Katsuki finds his concentration shattered, the clarity needed for his hero duties slipping through his fingers like sand. Mistakes become an unwelcome companion, a repetitive dance of errors that threatens the efficiency he once prided himself on.

Divorced!Bakugo, who only feels rage when news of you moving on, finding someone new, lands like a crushing blow. His heart, already battered, is now subjected to the relentless storm of jealousy and insecurity. Unable to resist the urge, Kasuki succumbs to the dark temptation of cyber-stalking, googling and scouring every available digital space for information about the new man in your and your child's life.

Divorced!Bakugo, who, in a fit of uncontrollable rage triggered by news of your new relationship, unleashes destructive fury. He obliterates every photo, every remnant of your shared life, screaming and incinerating possessions with his quirk. The once-sacred spaces of your bedroom and ground-floor office in the shared penthouse are consumed by the havoc.

Divorced!Bakugo, confronted with the aftermath of his destructive outburst, collapses in the center of what was once your shared bedroom. Tears stream down his face as he desperately attempts to salvage at least one picture from the ashes and shattered glass that now cover the floor. His heart aches with regret, and the weight of anxiety presses down on him, threatening to crush his resolve. Amid the wreckage, a glimmer of hope emerges. Surprisingly, one particular picture defies the destruction he wrought upon the room – a captured moment of you in your wedding dress and him in his sleek black suit, exchanging vows on the day of your marriage.

Divorced!Bakugo, who clutches a photo to his chest, tears streaming down his face like a torrent. In that poignant moment, he vows to transform, promising himself that he'll demonstrate his genuine wish for happiness for both you and your child, even if you've moved on. Despite shattered dreams he destroyed himself, he yearns to be a presence in your life, aspiring to salvage a friendship, a flicker of hope burning within him, praying you'll consider it.

#ru writes 🍬#mha headcanons #bakugo headcanons #bakugou x reader #bakugou katsuki #katsuki bakugo x reader #bakugo x reader #bakugo x you #bakugo angst #mha angst #mha bakugou

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eowynstwin · 2 months ago

Text

Blackbird, Fly - Four

Cowboy Gaz x mail order bride—only, not his. After exchanging letters for half a year with ranching man Hans König, you finally travel out west to marry him. - Gaz had been the only one to try and warn you. - ao3

When you wake the next morning, Hans’ side of the bed is empty, the linens already cold.

As sleep leaves you in fits and starts, the aches pull you inward—glowing dull and orange like banked embers. Your whole body feels like a twisted ankle. Nothing is broken, exactly, but every muscle feels as if it’s been pulled in a direction God never quite intended it to move.

Your shoulders. The meat of your thighs. Your hips.

The entrance to your womb.

It isn’t the knife-sharp pain from before. Only the muted, persistent throb of a wound left alone to heal. In the cottony space between sleep and waking, you think there should be more damage—for all of what happened last night. And yet, there isn’t.

Still, you don’t move when your eyes finally open. Stillness seems the only defense against the bare truth of the gray morning.

Your husband used you hard on your wedding night, and did not care for the pain he caused.

You are not fool enough to think your experience unique. Women talked as much as girls did. Your mother’s friends were wont to complain when they thought the children out of earshot: husbands who grunted and sweated over them in the night, often without uttering a word. Sometimes not even waiting for the pain of childbirth to subside before claiming their marital due.

You just had come to believe, with every letter that arrived, that your fate would be different.

But it turns out none of this is a dream after all.

Your throat closes, then. Tears prick hot in the corners of your eyes.

Stupid, stupid girl.

You swallow hard. Sit up away from the pillows, even as the aches flare in protest.

Beside you, where your husband slept, there’s a noticeable dip in the mattress. Worn in over years of slumber, and you, you suppose, on Anna’s side of the bed.

Was Hans kind to her too, before?

Abruptly you swing your legs out from the linens, and go to find one of the dresses you brought along from home.

The house is empty when you descend the stairs, as far as you can tell. You hear the steady tick, tock of a grandfather clock somewhere in the sitting room that you hadn’t noticed yesterday, in all of the commotion of the wedding preparations. The floorboards creak beneath your feet as your grumbling stomach leads you along to the kitchen.

The space is as modern and well-appointed as the rest of the house, and bigger than any kitchen you ever imagined needed to be. A cast-iron wood stove with four burners and a large oven, a sink with a pump right there by the basin, and—you nearly stop dead at the luxury—an ice box, right there beside one long counter.

You momentarily forget the troubles of the night, crouching beside the little box in fascination. A cloud of cool fog descends when you swing open the door; you brush the tips of your fingers across the huge block of ice on the top shelf, jerking them away when the cold unexpectedly burns. Not once in your life have you ever seen so much ice in one place.

On the lower shelf, you find cuts of pork and beef, wrapped in brown butcher’s paper and tied with string. Bacon for breakfast, then, and biscuits if you can find flour. Your mother always said that a difficult thing was easier after having a meal.

You find the larder stocked with further luxury. Nowhere are the home-jarred goods that would populate your family’s pantry, garden-grown vegetables pickled in vinegar or hand-pressed jams fresh from the blackberry bushes along the road. Instead you find rows and rows of cans, factory-sealed tins of manufactured uniformity, colorfully labeled and containing everything you might have ever thought to grow yourself and more.

Beans of every variety. Corn. Carrots. Peas. Beets. Tomatoes.

How much must all this have cost? So many, and lined up deep into the back of the larder. You and Hans couldn’t possible eat them all before some of them began to spoil. Of course, if he could afford to buy so much, maybe that didn’t matter.

You find the flour, and baking powder as well. Breakfast is a quick affair after that, and thankfully so, as your stomach really begins to complain as soon as the food is ready.

There’s a small table in the kitchen—yet more luxury, you think, remembering the long dining table you saw yesterday—and it’s there you sit down to solve your hunger.

The hard wooden chair is not kind to the ache between your legs.

You bite into the bacon, crunching it to pieces. There—it’s all right. You have your breakfast. Isn’t that something to be grateful for? Breakfast, and a nice stove, and an ice box, and a kitchen so stuffed with food that you can’t imagine ever running out.

Isn’t this what a loving husband provides? A good home, for his wife to live comfortably in? Pretty dresses, like the one he gave to you last night? A nice ring on your finger—the little gem glittering in the sunlight streaming in through the kitchen window?

Hans loves you. Of course. This is love.

You bite into one biscuit, hot and steaming from the pan and burning your tongue. Your mother can make them better, but you tried the best you could to follow the recipe she taught you.

The front door opens outside of the kitchen. Something quick and sharp travels up your spine. Heavy boots step inside—your husband, come looking for you—you freeze without realizing it, holding half-chewed food in your mouth—

“Mrs. König?” calls Kate Laswell, the foreman, and you relax.

“In here,” you call, after swallowing.

Laswell enters the kitchen, and turns to you, at the table. She’s dressed in mens’ clothes, dusty trousers and a heavy jacket over a button-up shirt, and a wide-brimmed hat still on her head. She looks like she’s dressed to travel.

“I’m afraid I can’t show you the accounts today, like I said I would,” she tells you, no preamble, no pleasantries.

You remember then your brief conversation with her the previous night—and Hans’ disapproval at the idea.

You set down your biscuit. “Good morning, Miss Laswell. Why not?”

“I’m going over to visit the Vargas place. We’ve been working on a leasing deal. I’ll explain when I get back.”

“Of course,” you say. “Would—” you clear your throat, embarrassed— “Would you know where my husband might be?”

The lines of Laswell’s face tighten. She has a severe look to her that you think is always present—ranch work must harden anyone, man or woman—but there is no wedding happening around you now to distract you from the unmistakable displeasure on her face.

“Last I saw he was out with the herd,” she says shortly. “Anyway, I’ll be gone for a few days. The ledger is in the cabinet by the desk. Take a look at it if you find the time.”

She tips her hat to you before you can figure out how to respond—some part of you bristles at being given orders by someone who is now, ostensibly, your employee—and leaves the kitchen. You scramble to follow her, and catch her when she’s nearly out the door.

“Miss Laswell,” you call, “is Hans—is my husband—”

You’re not very sure what you intended to ask her, before you began the question. Nor, you realize, do you think she could answer honestly, if you asked her what you really wanted to know. It wouldn’t be her place, and it would be inappropriate of you to ask.

If you could actually work up the courage to approach it.

So you settle for, “Is my husband angry with me?”

She stops, and blinks at you. You see her look you up and down, briefly, but when she meets your eyes her expression is impossible to read.

“I have no idea,” she says, and her tone betrays nothing. “Gaz wants to see you in the stables when you have a moment today. Ma’am.”

She nods farewell at you and leaves.

The steady ticking of the grandfather clock punctuates the end of the odd exchange. Disoriented, you return to the kitchen to clear away the remnants of your breakfast, flushing in confusion.

Do you really want this?

His question rings now in your ears. Along with it come memories of the previous night. The Madame’s odd interest in you. The store owner Miss Boucher’s sidelong glance at Hans. Myriad other quirks of the brow or mouth that you only now grasp the meaning of.

Everyone knew, somehow, what was coming. Everyone except you.

And Gaz had been the only one to try and warn you.

You tug on a shawl as you step out onto the front porch, breathing in the mountain air. The morning chill hasn’t yet burned off, and the sky has yet to gain its full color. Across the clearing, Kyle Garrick is at work in the stable’s corral.

He holds one end of a long lead, attached at the other to the bridle of a red-brown horse, which trots in a wide circle around him. Occasionally, with the lunge-whip he holds in his free hand, Gaz taps the horse’s hindquarters, redirecting it patiently whenever it tries to move inward or otherwise deviate from its orbit.

Horses are scared creatures, Miss, I don’t know if you know this, Hans had written. You must be gentle when you train them, or destine them to a lifetime of anxiety.

When you approach, the horse’s attention briefly turns toward you, but Gaz taps it again and it goes back into its pacing. You have a moment to admire the long line of the cowboy’s body, the focused angles of his shoulders and hips, before he addresses you, sensing your presence without having to turn and look at you.

“Good morning, miss,” he says. “Did you sleep well?”

“Yes, thank you,” you say. It feels dishonest, even if it isn’t a lie. “Good morning, Mr. Garrick.”

The horse makes its way past you, and then Gaz brings it to a stop. He winds up the lead in one hand and makes his way over to you, meeting you where you stand by the corral fence.

You can’t help but notice how handsome he looks in the light of late morning. The serious expression on his face is the same one he’d worn the day before; you suspect it’s his natural disposition.

You remember the brief smile he’d shown you last night, before Hans had taken you away, and your cheeks warm despite yourself.

“I thought I might introduce you to the horses today,” he says. “If you’ve got the time, that is.”

“Oh,” you gasp, suddenly eager, “Please! I’ve been looking forward to it ever since Hans proposed! I told him about the two old nags we had on our farm, to pull our wagon, and he said—”

We must get you on a proper horse, then, to show you the true pleasure riding may offer.

You stop mid-sentence. Something about what Hans had written rings in your memory now with a different note. It seems…mocking, almost. Imbued purposefully with a meaning intended to escape you, given you had not the experience enough to catch it.

Shame blooms painfully behind your breastbone.

“…He mentioned he’d bring me to meet them,” you say lamely.

The smile Gaz gives you doesn’t reach his eyes. “He’s very busy, or I suppose he would be today.”

“I suppose,” you echo.

Gaz inhales deeply, and then he gestures to the red-brown horse. “Well—this here is Newt. I’ve been getting him used to the bridle today.”

“Hello, Newt,” you say to the horse. You reach a hand out, briefly, but then pull it back; your instinct is to let the horse get your scent, like you might with a farm dog, but you don’t know if you should. Your father had always handled the nags.

Gaz notices, and brings one big hand to Newt’s long face, squeezing the arch of his muzzle. The horse’s eyes droop in obvious pleasure.

“He’s a big baby,” says Gaz, expression gentling. “I’m trying to see if he’ll make a good cutter, but it’s too early to tell.”

You reach out again. Newt’s velvety nostrils flare as he inhales, and then his hot breath bathes your hand and wrist. You suppose you have his approval, because Newt simply works his teeth a little and makes no indication of displeasure.

“A cutter?”

“Yeah. The kind of horse that can cut a steer out from the herd so you can drive it someplace else,” Gaz explains. “Horses either got cow-sense, or they don’t. Here, come around inside and I’ll show you the rest.”

Long Mask Ranch, Hans had written, built its reputation on the quality of its quarter horses. In the early days of its inception, his father had struck an extremely lucrative deal providing the US Army with its cavalry mounts, which had turned out to be a perfect way for the ranch’s reputation to spread. Even after the army mostly withdrew from the region, every state in the surrounding countryside knew: if you wanted good horses, you went to Long Mask.

“These are the yearlings,” Gaz explains as he leads you through the stable. “Just now we’re getting them trained to follow directions. Won’t be riding ‘em for a couple years yet.”

He puts Newt away and beckons you to follow. In the neighboring stall, one of the horses pokes its head out over the gate. It’s a light-colored colt, yellowish in the body and white-maned.

“This is Gus,” Gaz says, scratching its fuzzy chin. “He’s a big flirt, yeah, aren’t you, boy?”

You also reach out to give Gus a pat, and the colt chuffs and butts his nose into your hand, proving Gaz’s accusation. You can’t help giggling a little.

When another horse across the building snorts, Gaz chuckles, and leads you in the direction of the noise. “Ah, yeah, and that’s Woodrow. Him and Gus are always goin’ at it, but you won’t ever see better friends.”

Woodrow is dark gray horse with a distinctly unamused face. He accepts a pat on the forehead with what you can only describe as resigned patience. Gaz feeds him a sugar cube from one pocket for his trouble.

He takes you further along down the line of stalls. You meet a spirited filly named Elmira, and a colt beside her named July whose love for her is unrequited.

“We’ve already gelded him, so it wouldn’t matter much anyway,” Gaz relates.

He speaks fondly of every horse as you meet them, with the familiarity of long days working beside each of them. It relaxes him, you realize, to speak of them—the hard set of his expression has softened, the serious line of his brows eased from their iron setting.

It makes him look—not younger, you decide, but properly his age. A cowboy just beginning the best years of his career, still hale and fit enough to meet the rough demands of the job, but with enough experience under his belt to confront any challenge with confidence.

Such confidence is obvious in the way he moves. He walks loose and easy through the stable, his every step as assured as the sunrise the next morning. The line of his broad shoulders, the swooping curve of his back—they tell you at a mere glance that home is in this place, working with these creatures, and there could be nothing more Kyle Garrick might long for besides.

Envy twists your intestines around its fingers. There’s an empty space inside of you that you’d been expecting, as your wedding vows had finally taken flight, to fill with that same feeling.

At the end of the stable, in a stall in the back corner, a horse pokes its head out over the gate. It’s bigger than the yearlings, with a pale face and a dark, gray muzzle. It looks right at you, with such a clear focus that it startles you.

“Ah,” says Gaz, when he sees. “Was wondering if she’d notice us.”

“She?”

He nods. “A mare. She’s…difficult.”

The mare stares at you, with deep, night-black eyes.

“What do you mean?” you ask.

Gaz works his lips over his teeth. “Mr. König bought her last year off another rancher who was ‘bout fit to shoot her. She’s a thoroughbred, and she ain’t never met a white man she likes. As like to buck a man off as to let him ride.”

“Oh,” you say.

Gaz leans against the wall between two stalls. “Mr. König thought he might be able to break her. So far she hasn’t gotten him off her, but she won’t let him come near without putting up a fight. I’m the only one can saddle ‘er.”

You frown. “Why would he ride a horse that doesn’t want to be ridden?”

At that, Gaz’s eyes go cold. Shockingly cold, like an empty winter’s night. “Suppose he just likes taking what he wants, I guess.”

You should reprimand him. You know it immediately. It’s no way to talk about his employer, and certainly nothing he should ever say in front of you, his employer’s wife.

But you remember the blood, and still feel the ache. You have to look away from him, ashamed. Embarrassed.

You cannot defend your husband, and he must know it.

“I imagine he must know what he’s about,” you mumble.

Gaz gives a derisive snort. “I don’t know about that. He’s of a mind to start with thoroughbreds, but she will not let him breed her. Damn near killed every stallion he’s brought her to try.”

It hits you so sharply that you inhale with sudden pain, pressure knifing at your eyes. You turn away from Gaz entirely now, pressing your hands to your chest. Every ache from the night previous ricochets around inside you again, knocking all the way down into your bones.

You tip your head upward, as if it will prevent the gathering tears from falling. What’s worse, Gaz puts a hand on your shoulder behind you. You flinch at the touch, hips aching where Hans had bruised them in his grip.

“I’m sorry, Miss,” Gaz says softly. He sounds like he means it. “I shouldn’t have said that.”

He knows exactly what ails you. And why wouldn’t he? He’s known his employer for years. He’s worked this ranch for longer than you’ve even known of its existence.

He knew the previous Mrs. König, who first endured Hans’ attentions.

You are a terrible fool, and you are the last to know it.

He doesn’t remove his hand as you tremble. He squeezes you gently, the same caress he’d given to the young colt Newt. It is so kind that it nearly breaks you.

“Here,” Gaz murmurs, “let’s see something.”

You turn back to him; he takes your hand, and leads you to the back of the stable. The mare follows the two of you with her eyes, expression unchanging as you approach her.

Closer now, she is a stunning creature. You’ve never seen anything like her. Her coat is silvery-gray, with darker patterns all over her body, like ink absorbed into paper and then laid beneath a light rain. Her legs and mane are the same dark color as her muzzle, and there is a deep intelligence in her eyes as she beholds you.

“You might be the first woman she’s ever seen up close,” Gaz says.

He takes up a position behind you, and turns your hand over in his, opening your fingers. Then, slowly, so the horse can see it, he brings them to her face, pressing your fingertips to the soft whorl on her forehead.

The mare’s eyes do not leave you. She exhales a little through relaxed nostrils, chuffing, flicking her ears toward you. You play with the starburst of pale hair, following the direction it grows; her lids, heavy with thick, black lashes, drop a little.

“I’ll be,” Gaz murmurs behind you. “I think she might like you, miss.”

A loud BANG claps against the wall on the other end of the stable, and the mare jerks her head immediately, flinging your hand away. She grunts, snorts, and dances away from the gate, shaking her head, eyes flaring wide.

You and Gaz both look to the commotion—

Your husband stands in the open doorway, cast in a dark silhouette by the late morning light.

“Just what the hell are you doing?”

a/n: the horses' names are all references to characters in my favorite western, Lonesome Dove by Larry McMurtry.

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ellazenin · 1 month ago

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Boy next door!Eren

𝐏𝐭. 𝟏 (Pt. 2 | Pt. 3)

Boy next door!Eren who attends the same University as you. You’ve seen each other around campus and even have mutual friends, but have never spoken to each other directly.

He’s always thought you were cute though.

Boy next door!Eren who you watch from your living room window as he carries his furniture and boxes into his new house, shirtless. His hair was up in his usual manbun and his body was glistening in sweat from all the heavy lifting. Your mutual friends Armin & Jean, who are also his roommates, are shirtless out there too…

…hey! snap out of it!

Boy next door!Eren who notices you at the window and flashes his handsome smile, giving you a little nod. You wave awkwardly and quickly stepped out of view, “shit shit shit!” You feel the heat rising to your cheeks from embarrassment.

Boy next door!Eren who, after being your neighbor for a couple of weeks now, finds any excuse to talk to you. Even purposely bumping into you on campus.

“Hey, Y/n! Armin won’t be getting off work until later tonight, and he said you have the same notes for Chemistry. Can I come by later to copy ‘em?”

Boy next door!Eren who is always out in his garage/driveway working on his bike whenever you go get the mail in the afternoons.

His muscles flexed every time he moved and you couldn’t help but stare… until you tripped on the uneven pavement leading up to your house. Idiot!Y/n

Eren hears your yelp and snaps his head over in your direction, “You good?” He calls out. You can’t help but blush, “Y-Yeah just tripped on the…” You snapped your fingers trying to think of the word. “…Pathway?” He answers for you. You’re fanning yourself with your mail now, “Pathway! Y-Yes…” You chuckled nervously, avoiding eye contact with him. He notices and smirks. He sets his tools down and gives you his full attention, “Catalog for… Victoria’s Secret huh?” He leans against his bike, arms crossed over his chest… green eyes shamelessly roaming over your figure. “Heh, yeah… wait!” You looked at the mail you were fanning yourself with and, again, the heat rises to your cheeks seeing the lacey lingerie set on the front cover of the catalog. “…N-Not that I… I-I mean I don’t wear-“ You stutter. “So that’s not for you then?” He chuckles, continuing to tease you. “Uh… um, n-no. I-It’s for my roommate… Hitch.” Liar. “Ah.” He nods his head. You were so cute.

Boy next door!Eren who knows you’re lying. He knows that you do, in fact, wear lacey lingerie just like that one on the catalog you were holding. How does he know this? Well, truth be told, he’s seen you through your kitchen window, which is also right across from their kitchen window, wearing just that as you made yourself some coffee one morning. He swears he’s not some perv though! Your curtains just… weren’t thick enough… 🙂‍↔️

Boy next door!Eren who ends up transferring into your 10am Chemistry class and immediately finds a seat next to you.

“Well if it ain’t the pretty girl next door.” His familiar deep voice pulls you out of your textbook. You looked up to find him already smiling at you. No no no no no. Shit. You looked like absolute shit today. You know how when you actually try to look nice, nobody sees you? But then when you don’t put too much effort into getting ready, all of a sudden everyone and their mother is out and about?! Yeah. This was one of those times. He rests his arm on the back of your chair, a shiver going down your spine when his thumb lightly brushes against your shoulder. It wasn’t on purpose, at first. But as the next few weeks went by, you noticed he did this every time. He’d rest his arm on the back of your chair and then “innocently” end up making contact with you in some way. You were fine with it… obviously. 🤭

Boy next door!Eren who comes over one Saturday with Armin and Jean to install you and Hitch’s new washer and dryer machines.

“You guys really didn’t have to go through all the trouble…” You say as they lift the second machine in unison. “Why pay extra for someone else to do it, when you have three perfectly strong and capable neighbors who can do it for free?” They show off their muscles once they set the machine down in its designated spot in the laundry room and started hooking it up. “Let me at least make dinner for you guys.” You offer.

Boy next door!Eren who sits next to you at the dinner table, and just like in class, he rests his arm on the back of your chair. But this time he’s bolder in his advances. His usual feather light touch was more noticeable and he even went as far as playing with the ends of your hair. You don’t say anything, because well, you liked it. Armin, Jean, and Hitch noticed and gave each other subtle looks, but didn’t comment. The questioning can wait until later.

“So you and Y/n huh? When did that happen?” Jean asks once they were back in the privacy of their own home. “What do you mean?” Eren plays dumb, but the light redness forming on the tips of his ears betray him. “Yooouuuuu like her!” Armin’s grin widens. “Goodnight!” Jean and Armin share a smirk as Eren shuts his bedroom door.

Boy next door!Eren who couldn’t sleep that night, having spent pretty much the whole day with you. He even got a glimpse of your bedroom; his eyes locking on a lacey piece of lingerie sticking out of your drawer as he walked by. “Catalog wasn’t for her, my ass!” He mumbled to himself as he stared up at his ceiling.

Boy next door!Eren who your roommate, Hitch, questions you about while you washed the dishes and she dries them.

“He’s hot.” She breaks the silence. “Hm?” You pay her no mind. “Eren? C’mon, give me the details. Does he come over in the early mornings after I leave for work or what?” She grins playfully, nudging your shoulder. “What?! No! We just… have Chemistry together.” She raises a brow, “Yeah, I bet you guys do.” You rolled your eyes, “No I meant, Chemistry class.” “Whatever. If you’re getting laid, good for you girl.” “It’s not like that-“

Boy next door!Eren who knew exactly what he was doing this whole time. He knew what time you went and got your mail and purposely went out there to work on his bike just so he could see you if you guys didn’t have class that day, or just to see you again if you did.

Boy next door!Eren who all the girls at Uni would fangirl over. They all wanted to get a taste of him. But none of them were you.

His pretty girl next door…

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genshin-impact-updates · 4 months ago

Text

"Flowers Resplendent on the Sun-Scorched Sojourn" Version 5.0 Update Details

Dear Traveler,

Below are the details of the Version 5.0 update "Flowers Resplendent on the Sun-Scorched Sojourn" and the update compensation.

〓Compensation Details〓

Maintenance Compensation: Primogems ×300 (60 Primogems for every hour the servers are down.)

Issue Fix Compensation: Primogems ×300 (Please refer to the relevant compensation mail for more details)

〓Scope of Compensation〓

Maintenance Compensation: Travelers who have reached Adventure Rank 5 or above by 2024/08/28 06:00 (UTC+8).

Compensation must be claimed before the end of Version 5.0.

Issue Fix Compensation: Travelers who have reached Adventure Rank 5 or above by 2024/08/28 06:00 (UTC+8).

Please log in and claim your compensation before 2024/08/31 06:00 (UTC+8).

Our developers will distribute compensation to Travelers via in-game mail within 5 hours after the update maintenance is finished. The mail will expire after 30 days, so don't forget to claim the attached compensation in time.

〓Update Schedule〓

Update maintenance begins 2024/08/28 06:00 (UTC+8) and is estimated to take 5 hours.

〓How to Update Game Client〓

PC: Close the game, open the Genshin Impact Launcher, and click Update.

iOS: Open the App Store and tap Update.

Android: Open the game and follow the directions on-screen.

PS5™ and PS4™: Highlight Genshin Impact from the Home Screen, press the OPTIONS button and select "Check for Update."

Please do not hesitate to contact Customer Service if you encounter any issues installing the new version. We will do our very best to resolve the issue.

〓Update Details〓

I. New Region

New Region - Natlan

The warriors of the mountains lead the path unto flowers splendorous, and the swimming Saurians of the springs bring news all night. On the far shore from sand and sea, the blazing epic hymn echoes through the land where the Sacred Flame blazes eternal.

Beyond the fiery altars and the mysterious realm of night, an unprecedented adventure is about to unfold in the land where humans and Saurians dwell together.

◇ New Areas: In Version 5.0, the following areas in Natlan will become available: Tequemecan Valley, Coatepec Mountain, Toyac Springs, and Basin of Unnumbered Flames.

※ Completing Archon Quest Prologue: Act III "Song of the Dragon and Freedom" will automatically unlock a Teleport Waypoint to the right of Tequemecan Valley in Natlan (If you have already completed this Archon Quest, the Teleport Waypoint will be unlocked after the update). You can use this Teleport Waypoint to head over to Natlan. You'll also receive the Primogem reward for this Teleport Waypoint when it unlocks automatically.

▌New Mechanic in Natlan

"Saurian Indwelling"

Natlan's Saurians are unique life forms that can enter a "Spiritsconce" state under specific circumstances.

Indwell your spirit onto Spiritsconces to activate their power, transforming into and controlling the Saurian's original form.

▌New System in Natlan

"Tona's Flame"

You can obtain Pyro Sigils during your adventures in Natlan. Offer them up to the Tablet of Tona at the Temple of Pax to increase its level and obtain valuable rewards.

Satisfy any one of the criteria below to unlock "Tona's Flame":

• Enter within a certain radius of the Tablet of Tona

• Complete Archon Quest Chapter V: Act I "Flowers Resplendent on the Sun-Scorched Sojourn"

Reputation System in Natlan

◇ Natlan Reputation Unlock Criteria:

• Complete "Pilgrimage of the Return of the Sacred Flame" in Archon Quest Chapter V: Act I "Flowers Resplendent on the Sun-Scorched Sojourn"

Each tribe in Natlan has its own Reputation System. Visit each tribe's "Obsidian Totem Pole" to undertake the quests and earn Reputation EXP. Upon increasing Reputation Levels, you can claim corresponding rewards. Once a tribe's Reputation Level is maxed out, you can also receive additional rewards from the "Speaker's Chamber."

Expeditions, Daily Commissions, and other new content will also be added in Natlan. In Natlan's new commissions, if related achievements of a Commission Quest are not unlocked yet, the probability of that Commission Quest appearing will increase.

◇ Natlan Daily Commissions Unlock Criteria:

• Complete Archon Quest Chapter V: Act I "Flowers Resplendent on the Sun-Scorched Sojourn"

• Complete the World Quest "Toward Red-Hot Adventure!"

In addition, there will be new "Radiant Spincrystals" in Natlan.

II. New Characters

5-Star Character "Splish-Splash Wavechaser" Mualani (Hydro)

◇ Vision: Hydro

◇ Weapon: Catalyst

◇ A well-known guide in Natlan who owns a watersports shop, and expert in all forms of wave-chasing.

◆ Elemental Skill: Surfshark Wavebreaker

◆ Mualani enters a surfing stance, and can move on land, water and liquid Phlogiston swiftly. While in this state, Mualani applies "Marked as Prey" to opponents upon coming into contact with them and gains Wave Momentum. In this state, Mualani's Normal Attacks will be converted to Sharky's Bites, and consumes Wave Momentum to increase the DMG dealt by Sharky's Bites. When she has 3 stacks of Wave Momentum, when Sharky's Bite hits an opponent, she will fire Shark Missiles at nearby opponents Marked as Prey.

◆ Elemental Burst: Boomsharka-laka

◆ Fires a Super Shark Missile that can deal AoE Hydro DMG.

5-Star Character "Turnfire Hunt" Kinich (Dendro)

◇ Vision: Dendro

◇ Weapon: Claymore

◇ A Huitztlan Saurian Hunter skilled at counting costs.

◆ Elemental Skill: Canopy Hunter: Riding High

◆ Kinich can swing in mid-air using a grappling hook. When the grappling hook hits an enemy, it attaches to enemies and Kinich will fire Loop Shots. When Nightsoul points are at max, he can use the Elemental Skill to fire a powerful "Scalespiker Cannon" and deal Dendro DMG to enemies.

◆ Elemental Burst: Hail to the Almighty Dragonlord

◆ Unleashes the power of the Almighty Dragonlord, K'uhul Ajaw. Ajaw will unleash his Dragon Breath at intervals, dealing AoE Dendro DMG.

4-Star Character "Mottled Gold Yet Unsmelted" Kachina (Geo)

◇ Vision: Geo

◇ Weapon: Polearm

◇ A young warrior of the Nanatzcayan, given the Ancient Name of "Uthabiti." Kind-hearted and insatiably persistent, she grows stronger and more capable with each setback she faces.

◆ Elemental Skill: Go, Go Turbo Twirly!

◆ Fight alongside Turbo Twirly. Kachina can ride Turbo Twirly to move swiftly, climb, and slam enemies, and also summon it independently to deal continuous DMG.

◆ Elemental Burst: Time to Get Serious!

◆ Creates a Turbo Drill Field that increases Turbo Twirly's attack AoE and its Movement SPD when Kachina is riding it.

III. New Domain

Domain of Forgery: Ancient Watchtower

◇ Legend has it that in ancient times, the colossal beasts that roamed the land had a civilization of their own. After exploring the entirety of the land and surrounding sea, they built these structures in an attempt to cast their gaze upon the even wider world beyond. But these wise beasts have long since vanished, and in the present, no one now knows the true purpose of this place.

◇ Unlock Criteria (satisfy any one of the criteria below to unlock):

• Adventure Rank 10 or above

• Complete "Knights of Favonius" in Archon Quest Prologue: Act I "The Outlander Who Caught the Wind"

◆ Challenge the Domain to obtain Weapon Ascension Materials.

Domain of Mastery: Blazing Ruins

◇ In that era, when people had yet to attain true mastery of the flames, there were sages in all corners of the world who pondered the fire and sought to fathom its mysteries. It is said that these ruins are all that is left of what was once a ring-shaped ceremonial site. Here, these sages attempted to perfect the rituals required to transform phlogiston. Among the heroes who later followed the mighty one into the belly of the volcano, there were several who once trained in this place.

◇ Unlock Criteria (satisfy any one of the criteria below to unlock):

• Adventure Rank 10 or above

• Complete "Knights of Favonius" in Archon Quest Prologue: Act I "The Outlander Who Caught the Wind"

◆ Challenge the Domain to obtain Character Talent Materials.

Domain of Blessing: Sanctum of Rainbow Spirits

◇ It is said that the first sage to learn how to use phlogiston created a place of great purity, and that within this place, warriors were taught to wield the power of prismatic flames and flowing light. Later, even before they were used to resist common enemies, these powers were employed as weapons in conflicts between the tribes. Disheartened by this state of affairs, the Sage of the Stolen Flame withdrew from the world, vanishing from the pages of many tales. Devoid of their original purpose, these empty trial grounds were left behind, along with all those stories that came to be forgotten...

◇ Unlock Criteria (satisfy any one of the criteria below to unlock):

• Adventure Rank 10 or above

• Complete "Knights of Favonius" in Archon Quest Prologue: Act I "The Outlander Who Caught the Wind"

◆ Challenge the Domain to obtain Artifacts in the "Scroll of the Hero of Cinder City" and "Obsidian Codex" sets.

IV. New Equipment

1. New Weapons (Examples based on Refinement Rank 1)

Surf's Up (5-Star Catalyst)

Max HP increased by 20%. Once every 15s, for the 14s after using an Elemental Skill: Gain 4 Scorching Summer stacks. Each stack increases Normal Attack DMG by 12%. For the duration of the effect, once every 1.5s, lose 1 stack after a Normal Attack hits an opponent; once every 1.5s, gain 1 stack after triggering a Vaporize reaction on an opponent. Max 4 Scorching Summer stacks.

◆ During the event wish "Epitome Invocation," the event-exclusive 5-star weapon Surf's Up (Catalyst) will receive a huge drop-rate boost!

Fang of the Mountain King (5-Star Claymore)

Gain 1 stack of Canopy's Favor after hitting an opponent with an Elemental Skill. This can be triggered once every 0.5s. After a nearby party member triggers a Burning or Burgeon reaction, the equipping character will gain 3 stacks. This effect can be triggered once every 2s and can be triggered even when the triggering party member is off-field. Canopy's Favor: Elemental Skill and Burst DMG is increased by 10% for 6s. Max 6 stacks. Each stack is counted independently.

◆ During the event wish "Epitome Invocation," the event-exclusive 5-star weapon Fang of the Mountain King (Claymore) will receive a huge drop-rate boost!

Ash-Graven Drinking Horn (4-Star Catalyst)

When an attack hits an opponent, deal AoE DMG equal to 40% of Max HP at the target location. This effect can be triggered once every 15s.

◆ Ash-Graven Drinking Horn (Catalyst) and its refinement materials can be redeemed in the "Traces of Artistry" event.

▌Forgeable Weapons

Flute of Ezpitzal (4-Star Sword)

Using an Elemental Skill increases DEF by 16% for 15s.

Earth Shaker (4-Star Claymore)

After a party member triggers a Pyro-related reaction, the equipping character's Elemental Skill DMG is increased by 16% for 8s. This effect can be triggered even when the triggering party member is not on the field.

Footprint of the Rainbow (4-Star Polearm)

Using an Elemental Skill increases DEF by 16% for 15s.

Ring of Yaxche (4-Star Catalyst)

Using an Elemental Skill grants the Jade-Forged Crown effect: Every 1,000 Max HP will increase the Normal Attack DMG dealt by the equipping character by 0.6% for 10s. Normal Attack DMG can be increased this way by a maximum of 16%.

Chain Breaker (4-Star Bow)

For every party member from Natlan or who has a different Elemental Type from the equipping character, the equipping character gains 4.8% increased ATK. When there are no less than 3 of the aforementioned characters, the equipping character gains 24 Elemental Mastery.

◆ You can exchange for Weapon Forging Blueprints from Alom in the Stadium of the Sacred Flame: Temple of Pax by consuming certain amounts and types of materials.

2. New Artifacts

Scroll of the Hero of Cinder City (4–5 Stars)

◇ 2-Piece Set: When a nearby party member triggers a "Nightsoul Burst," the equipping character regenerates 6 Energy.

◇ 4-Piece Set: After the equipping character triggers a reaction related to their Elemental Type, all nearby party members gain a 12% Elemental DMG Bonus for the Elemental Types involved in the elemental reaction for 15s. If the equipping character is in the Nightsoul's Blessing state when triggering this effect, all nearby party members gain an additional 28% Elemental DMG Bonus for the Elemental Types involved in the elemental reaction for 20s. The equipping character can trigger this effect while off-field, and the DMG bonus from Artifact Sets with the same name do not stack.

Obsidian Codex (4–5 Stars)

◇ 2-Piece Set: While the equipping character is in Nightsoul's Blessing and is on the field, their DMG dealt is increased by 15%.

◇ 4-Piece Set: After the equipping character consumes 1 Nightsoul point while on the field, CRIT Rate increases by 40% for 6s. This effect can trigger once every second.

V. New Main Story

1. New Archon Quests

Archon Quest Chapter V: Act I "Flowers Resplendent on the Sun-Scorched Sojourn"

Permanently available after the Version 5.0 update

◆ Quest Unlock Criteria:

• Adventure Rank 40 or above

• Complete Archon Quest Chapter IV: Act VI "Bedtime Story"

• The "Focused Experience Mode" function is available for this quest.

Adds the "Quick Start" function:

(1) Once unlocked, you can maintain your current Archon Quest progress, while accepting and progressing through Archon Quest Chapter V: Act I "Flowers Resplendent on the Sun-Scorched Sojourn." This function will be available until the Version 6.0 update.

(2) Unlock Criteria: Reach Adventure Rank 28 or above, and complete Archon Quest Chapter I: Act III "A New Star Approaches."

Archon Quest Chapter V: Act II "Black Stone Under a White Stone"

Permanently available after the Version 5.0 update

◆ Quest Unlock Criteria:

• Adventure Rank 40 or above

• Complete Archon Quest Chapter V: Act I "Flowers Resplendent on the Sun-Scorched Sojourn"

• The "Focused Experience Mode" function is available for this quest.

2. New Tribal Chronicles

"Where the Springs Return"

Act I – Act III of "Where the Springs Return" will be permanently available after the Version 5.0 update

◆ Act I and Act II Quest Unlock Criteria:

• Adventure Rank 40 or above

• Complete "Pilgrimage of the Return of the Sacred Flame" in Archon Quest Chapter V: Act I "Flowers Resplendent on the Sun-Scorched Sojourn"

◆ Act III Quest Unlock Criteria:

• Adventure Rank 40 or above

• Complete "Into Eternal Night" in Archon Quest Chapter V: Act II "Black Stone Under a White Stone"

The three acts must be experienced in sequence. You can only unlock the next act after completing the previous one and meeting the corresponding unlock criteria.

"Yupanqui's Turnfire"

Act I and Act II of "Yupanqui's Turnfire" will be permanently available after the Version 5.0 update

Act III of "Yupanqui's Turnfire" will be permanently available after 2024/09/17 18:00

◆ Act I – Act III Quest Unlock Criteria:

• Adventure Rank 40 or above

• Complete "Pilgrimage of the Return of the Sacred Flame" in Archon Quest Chapter V: Act I "Flowers Resplendent on the Sun-Scorched Sojourn"

The three acts must be experienced in sequence. You can only unlock the next act after completing the previous one and meeting the corresponding unlock criteria.

"A Prayer for Blessings, Told to Crested Peaks"

Act I and Act II of "A Prayer for Blessings, Told to Crested Peaks" will be permanently available after the Version 5.0 update

◆ Act I and Act II Quest Unlock Criteria:

• Adventure Rank 40 or above

• Complete "Pilgrimage of the Return of the Sacred Flame" in Archon Quest Chapter V: Act I "Flowers Resplendent on the Sun-Scorched Sojourn"

The two acts must be experienced in sequence. You can only unlock the next act after completing the previous one and meeting the corresponding unlock criteria.

If you use the "Quick Start" function to experience Archon Quest Chapter V: Act I "Flowers Resplendent on the Sun-Scorched Sojourn," you can accept the Tribal Chronicles once you meet the criteria for completing the corresponding Archon Quest (you are not restricted by the Adventure Rank 40 or above requirement).

3. New World Quests

New World Quests

"In the Footsteps of the Chosen of Dragons" Quest Chain, "Shadows of the Mountains" Quest Chain, "Tale of Dreams Plucked From Fire" Quest Chain, "Between Pledge and Forgettance" Quest Chain, "To the Night, What is the Night's," "Ripe For Trouble," "To Wish Upon a Star," "Stride on Rainbows, Split the Waves," "The Case of the Crafting Bench," "The Call of Mystical Martial Arts," etc.

VI. New Enemies

Goldflame Qucusaur Tyrant

◇ A Qucusaurus whose extraordinary form is a result of being unable to withstand the great power it has been granted.

It will fly into the air during combat and enter the "Golden Flame" energy-gathering form, creating a shield around itself and launching a Flamewind Feather towards the ground that summons a flamewind. If you cannot destroy the Flamewind Feather before the Qucusaurus dives down into it, the creature will use a Phlogiston Current to return to the skies. This will persist until it is exhausted and returns to its original form.

Located at Basin of Unnumbered Flames

Gluttonous Yumkasaur Mountain King

◇ A powerful Yumkasaurus that has experienced numerous impressive battles.

It will collect Flamegranates during combat and spit them out as bombs. However, if you can use Pyro to ignite the Flamegranates before the Gluttonous Yumkasaur Mountain King can swallow them, who knows what might happen...

Located at Tequemecan Valley

Wayob Manifestation

"Rock-Cavernous Wayob Manifestation," "Flow-Inverted Wayob Manifestation," and "Foliar-Swift Wayob Manifestation"

◇ The Wayob worshipped by the various tribes of Natlan manifest themselves in the form of these obsidian totems.

In battle, the Wayob Manifestation will deploy its Arena: Moment of Trial, creating a shield for itself and absorbing the Elemental Energy of all characters in the Arena. Characters in the Arena deal greatly increased DMG. If the shield is broken before the Arena expires, they will also regain a large amount of Energy. However, if they fail to break the shield, the Manifestation will generate a barrier based on the value of the remaining Elemental Shield.

Secret Source Automaton: Hunter-Seeker

"Secret Source Automaton: Hunter-Seeker"

◇ An ancient mechanical creation that wanders Natlan to this day, though its function is not known.

When characters enter and maintain the Nightsoul's Blessing state, the Secret Source Automaton: Hunter-Seeker will start progressing through its Adaptive Countermeasures. Once those are complete, the Hunter-Seeker will unleash its special cluster laser. Still, risk and opportunity go hand-in-hand, so perhaps you might take this opportunity to deal immense damage to it...

Avatars of Lava

"Fluid Avatar of Lava" and "Eroding Avatar of Lava"

◇ A strange monster that must continually absorb heat to stay in an active state.

However, it seems to damage itself should it absorb too much. After you use Pyro attacks to cause it to fully enter an Overburn state, it will rapidly disintegrate.

Natlan Saurians

"Koholasaurus," "Tepetlisaurus," "Yumkasaurus," "Koholasaur Whelp," "Tepetlisaur Whelp," and "Yumkasaur Whelp."

◇ The Saurians that inhabit the land of Natlan.

Special dragons that were better able to adapt to their environments, taking on different shapes and forms based on their surroundings.

Sauroform Tribal Warriors

"Flowing Blade Skirmisher," "Flowing Blade Grease-Saw," "Flowing Blade Harpoon-Thrower," "Koholasaurus Warrior: Waveshuttler," "Koholasaurus Warrior: Reefsplitter," "Forged Sand Interrogator," "Forged Sand Shieldbreaker," "Forged Sand Javelineer," "Tepetlisaurus Warrior: Shard Striker," "Tepetlisaurus Warrior: Rockbreaker Blade," "Swiftstep Seeker," "Swiftstep Storm Scout," "Swiftstep Armed Courier," "Yumkasaurus Warrior: Whirling Leaves," and "Yumkasaurus Warrior: Flowing Skyfire"

◇ The warriors of Natlan's great tribes who fight for the honor and glory of their people.

Over long years of living and fighting alongside their Saurian companions, these tribal warriors have gradually acquired their traits and learned how to apply them on the field of battle.

VII. Other Update Details

New Recipes:

○ Monstadt "Good Hunter": Meatnado and Apple Roly Poly

○ Cipac (NPC): Grainfruit Chips and Grilled Fish in Mint Sauce

○ Chanca (NPC): Grainfruit Meat Soup and Cup O' Grainfruit

○ Obtained from talking to Chanca (NPC): Tatacos

○ Exploration Rewards: Saurus Crackers, Stuffed N' Mashed Potatoes, Chocolate, Blazed Meat Stew, and Fried Shrimp Beanballs

○ World Quest Rewards: Sour Sauce Kipper and Forest of Color

○ Natlan Reputation System Rewards: Glittering Gemstones, Hot Spring O'Clock, and Puff Pops

○ Event Reward: Delights of Wondrous Wonderings

New Character Specialty Dishes:

○ Mualani's specialty: Pass the Luck

○ Kinich's specialty: Saurian Hunter's Reward

○ Kachina's specialty: Impeccably Organized

Adds new "Meetings in Outrealm: Series V," "Imaginarium Theater: The Second Folio," "Natlan: The Land of Fire and Competition (I)," and "Duelist: Series I" Achievement categories, and adds new Achievements to the "Wonders of the World" category.

Adds Set 34 of "Paimon's Paintings" chat emojis.

Adds some prompts for loading screens.

New Namecards:

"Mualani: Sharky": Reward for reaching Friendship Lv. 10 with Mualani

"Kinich: Ajaw": Reward for reaching Friendship Lv. 10 with Kinich

"Kachina: Twirly": Reward for reaching Friendship Lv. 10 with Kachina

"Natlan: Divine Army": Reward for reaching the highest Reputation Level with 1 tribe

"Natlan: Fiery Dragon": Reward for reaching the highest Reputation Level with 4 tribes

"Achievement: Endpoint": Reward for completing all achievements under "Meetings in Outrealm: Series V"

"Achievement: Feline Fortune": Reward for completing all achievements under "Imaginarium Theater: The Second Folio"

"Natlan: Return of the Flame": Reward for completing all achievements under "Natlan: The Land of Fire and Competition (I)"

"Achievement: Lord of the Night": Reward for completing all achievements under "Duelist: Series I"

"Travel Notes: Primal Fire": Reward obtained via the BP system

Adds new Character Event Wish mechanic "Capturing Radiance." For more information, please visit the "Wish" interface in the game.

Reduces the maximum amount of Fate Points required from 2 to 1 in the Weapon Event Wish "Epitomized Path."

Adds new Artifact Salvage function. Artifacts that have not been enhanced and leveled up can be salvaged into Sanctifying Unction and Sanctifying Essence in Inventory > Artifacts.

Adds some new adjustments to the Artifacts system:

(1) Adds the gadget "Artifact Transmuter," which can be obtained by completing the quests in "Adventurer Handbook > Experience" and can be used to extract and redeem Artifacts.

(2) Adds new Consumable "Sanctifying Elixir": Use the "Artifact Transmuter" to extract a certain number of 5-star Artifacts that have been enhanced to "+4" or above, and convert them into "Sanctifying Elixir" (You can convert Artifacts into 1 "Sanctifying Elixir" per version). You can also obtain "Sanctifying Elixir" by exploring the open world.

(3) You can exchange for certain components of certain Artifact sets by using the "Sanctifying Elixir" in the "Artifact Transmuter." Apart from that, you can also determine the Main Affix and two Minor Affixes (Different Artifact components require different amounts of "Sanctifying Elixir." The same set of Artifacts can only be exchanged once in each version).

Adds new event "Turbo Twirly!": Progress through Archon Quest Chapter V: Act I "Flowers Resplendent on the Sun-Scorched Sojourn" and invite the character "Mottled Gold Yet Unsmelted" Kachina (Geo).

Adds World Level 9. Upon reaching Adventure Rank 58, Travelers can complete corresponding World Level Ascension Quests to increase their World Level. After the World Level increases, the levels of monsters and bosses will increase, the challenge difficulty and the rewards dropped will also be increased (Travelers who have reached Adventure Rank 58 before the version update can complete Ascension Quests to increase their World Level after the version update).

Adds the Borderland Billet series.

Adds Borderland Billet Conversion for various Weapon types in "Crafting Bench > Conversion": Use Dream Solvent to convert Billets of other types to Borderland Billets for the same Weapon type, or change Borderland Billets to Billets of other types for the same Weapon type.

Adds another 8 sets of Artifacts available to exchange in the Mystic Offering system: Artifact Strongbox: Deepwood Memories, Artifact Strongbox: Gilded Dreams, Artifact Strongbox: Desert Pavilion Chronicle, Artifact Strongbox: Flower of Paradise Lost, Artifact Strongbox: Nymph's Dream, Artifact Strongbox: Vourukasha's Glow, Artifact Strongbox: Marechaussee Hunter, and Artifact Strongbox: Golden Troupe.

Adds new Gadgets: Firstborn Firesprite and Kaboom Box.

Adds new Natlan Reward Gadgets: Pyroculus Resonance Stone and Pyro Treasure Compass.

Adds some of the Harvestable seeds from Natlan to the Seed Dispensary.

Adds new Wildlife: Red Flamingo, Halberd-Crest Bird, Thick-Feathered Ruffed Pheasant, Flowcurrent Bird, Alpaca, Brown Deer, Flying Squirrel, Capybara, Pyro Crystalfly, Blue Mountain Spoonbill, Flowfire Bird, Phlogiston Aphid, Crystal Beetle, and Long-Necked Rhino. You can use the Omni-Ubiquity Net to capture certain Natlan creatures.

"Genius Invokation TCG" Gameplay Update:

New Character Cards: Xianyun, Freminet, and their corresponding Talent cards. Corresponding invitation duels and guest challenges have been added to the Player List.

New Character Card: Hydro Hilichurl Rogue and the corresponding Talent card. The Tavern Challenge has also been added.

New Action Cards: "Xenochromatic Hunter's Ray," "Yumkasaurus," "Koholasaurus," "Stadium of the Sacred Flame," "Atea," "Edict of Absolution," and "Saurian Dining Buddies" can be purchased from Prince at The Cat's Tail.

The Forge Realm's Temper is once again available. The theme of this edition is "The Forge Realm's Temper: Game of Wits":

(1) During The Forge Realm's Temper: Game of Wits, some stages will have special victory and defeat conditions. Adeptly adapt your tactics to complete the challenge and avoid the conditions for defeat!

(2) Within The Forge Realm's Temper: Game of Wits event stages, there will also be special rules that can easily exert influence on the tempo of the match. Fully utilizing these special rules will contribute greatly to your success.

Imaginarium Theater

After the Version 5.0 update, the two Imaginarium Theater seasons will be as follows:

The first season of "Imaginarium Theater" will be available on 2024/09/01 04:00.

Required Elemental Types: Pyro, Hydro, and Dendro

Opening Characters: Dehya, Xiangling, Mualani, Candace, Emilie, and Yaoyao

When Imaginarium Theater is open, the corresponding Opening Characters will obtain Fantastical Blessings.

Special Guest Stars: Kaedehara Kazuha, Kachina, Clorinde, and Raiden Shogun

After the first season of Imaginarium Theater begins, the characters Collei, Cyno, Neuvillette, and Amber will each gain a new "Thespian Trick" that can be exchanged from the NPC Wolfy.

The second season of "Imaginarium Theater" will be available on 2024/10/01 04:00.

Required Elemental Types: Pyro, Electro, and Geo

Opening Characters: Dehya, Chevreuse, Keqing, Fischl, Chiori, and Ningguang

When Imaginarium Theater is open, the corresponding Opening Characters will obtain Fantastical Blessings.

Special Guest Stars: Kinich, Yelan, Venti, and Sucrose

After the second season of Imaginarium Theater begins, the characters Venti, Thoma, Mika, and Navia will each gain a new "Thespian Trick" that can be exchanged from the NPC Wolfy.

After the first season of Imaginarium Theater begins, the following adjustments will be made:

(1) In the new gameplay phase, Wondrous Boons will be updated to "Brilliant Blessings" focused on the current season's three-element reactions. You can continuously upgrade the Blessing level to enhance the effects of the corresponding Elemental Reactions. Based on the new Brilliant Blessings, the refresh mechanic of Performance Events has also been adjusted.

(2) Reduces the number of characters required for each difficulty level, and additional characters included can receive buffs:

a. The number of characters required for Easy mode has been reduced to 8, and you can include an additional 2 characters.

b. The number of characters required for Normal mode has been reduced to 12, and you can include an additional 2 characters.

c. The number of characters required for Hard mode has been reduced to 16, and you can include an additional 4 characters.

Each extra Alternate Cast included will receive additional Fantasia Flowers and increase the Blessing Level (the Blessing Level provides attribute buffs to characters) when the performance begins. Making full use of the special rules can help you better complete the challenge.

(3) Visionary Mode is now available, which can be unlocked after clearing Hard Mode previously. The required number of characters for participation is 22 and 4 additional characters can be added. Both the Debut Performance Gift and Performance Tour Rewards will be increased to 10 acts. Additionally, by completing 10 acts of combat performances in each season of "Imaginarium Theater," you can receive 1 Key of Echoes in the "Envisaged Echoes" gameplay.

(4) The number of "Fantasia Flowers" obtained from completing "Battle: Normal" and "Battle: Defense Sequence" in performances has been increased to 90, and the additional challenges in "Combat Events" have been removed.

(5) The usage limit for the Rewind function has been increased to 2 (on any difficulty mode except Easy mode).

In future updates, the development team will continue to optimize "Imaginarium Theater" based on your feedback and actual data from the gameplay.

Spiral Abyss

The "Fragment of Harmonic Whimsy" and "Unfinished Reverie" Artifact set rewards in "Domain Reliquary: Tier I" and "Domain Reliquary: Tier II" for Spiral Abyss Floors 9–12 will be replaced with the "Scroll of the Hero of Cinder City" and the "Obsidian Codex" sets.

Floor 9 Ley Line Disorder changed to:

• All party members gain a 50% Pyro DMG Bonus.

Floor 10 Ley Line Disorder changed to:

• DMG dealt by characters is increased by 50% when in Nightsoul's Blessing.

Floor 11 Ley Line Disorder changed to:

• All party members gain a 60% Dendro DMG Bonus.

• All party members receive a 60% Hydro DMG Bonus.

Updated the monster lineup on Floors 9 – 12 of the Spiral Abyss.

Starting from the first time that the Lunar Phase refreshes after updating to Version 5.0, the Lunar Phases will be as follows:

Contending Moon

After the active character uses an Elemental Skill, Normal Attack and Elemental Skill DMG is increased by 40% for 12s. For characters in Nightsoul's Blessing, this effect is enhanced: Normal Attack and Elemental Skill DMG is increased by 80%.

※ The above updates to Spiral Abyss will take effect after the Spiral Abyss update on September 16.

〓Adjustments & Optimizations〓

● Quests

Adds pop-up notifications for some newly-added quests before long quest sequences or before battles.

Adjusts the placement of some enemies in the Archon Quest "We Will Be Reunited" to reduce the difficulty of combat.

● Enemies

Reduces the damage dealt by the enemy "Fatui Skirmisher - Cryogunner Legionnaire" when multiple hits of Frost Blast continuously hit a character.

● Serenitea Pot

Increases the load limits for both indoor and outdoor areas in the Serenitea Pot due to stricter performance optimization strategies.

● Exploration

Clicking "Go to collect" under the "Source" of regional specialties now directs to the open world map and displays the areas where you can collect the corresponding specialty.

Now, before reaching the maximum Stamina limit, Travelers can increase Stamina by leveling up any region's Statue of The Seven (meaning Travelers no longer need to fully level up the Statues of The Seven in Mondstadt and Liyue to reach the maximum Stamina limit). After the version update, if a Traveler has already leveled up the Statues of The Seven in regions other than Mondstadt and Liyue, they will receive the corresponding Stamina increase.

Adjusts the difficulty of battling "Ruin Hunters" in the World Quest "Nine Pillars of Peace," and significantly reduces the difficulty at World Levels 1 and 2.

Increases the material drop rates of enemies "Nobushi," "Kairagi," "Specters," "Abyss Mages," "Ruin Guards," "Ruin Hunters," and "Ruin Graders."

Increases the total pin limit on the map from 200 to 250.

● Food

Adds new icons to some foods with special effects.

When using certain specialty foods (such as character specialties), secondary confirmation pop-ups or prompts will appear.

Adds filtering and sorting functions on the Inventory > Food interface.

Optimizes the sorting rules on the "Cook" interface.

Optimizes the filter function on the "Cook" interface, adding filter options related to Proficiency.

Adjusts the order of using food to revive characters: Low-rarity basic food will appear first.

● Shop

Adds the "Crown of Insight" as an exchangeable item in the "Shop" > "Paimon's Bargains" > "Starglitter Exchange," priced at Starglitter ×50, with a monthly refresh.

"Mystic Enhancement Ore" is now available for unlimited exchange in the "Shop" > "Paimon's Bargains" > "Stardust Exchange," and can be unlocked after exchanging existing "Mystic Enhancement Ore."

● Crafting and Forging

In the "Forging" interface, the number of items that can be forged in a single queue for Weapon Enhancement Materials has been doubled. For example, a single queue can now forge Mystic Enhancement Ore ×10 instead of ×5 (the daily crafting limit remains unchanged).

In the "Forging" interface, when selecting Weapon Enhancement Materials to forge, the maximum quantity will be selected by default.

When crafting "Condensed Resin" at the Crafting Bench, the maximum number of crafting attempts will now be automatically selected based on the remaining amount of "Original Resin" and "Condensed Resin," and the confirmation pop-up has been removed.

When selecting to craft "Condensed Resin" at the Crafting Bench, the number of "Condensed Resin" in the Inventory will now be displayed in the top-right corner of the interface.

● Enhancement

Reduces the frequency of the EXP overflow prompt during character leveling: when the EXP overflow is less than 1,000 (non-refundable), the prompt will no longer appear.

The EXP overflow prompt during weapon enhancement has been changed to a text notification and will no longer appear as a pop-up.

● Stellar Reunion

Updates the "Stellar Reunion" interface.

During the "Stellar Reunion" event, Domain of Mastery and Domain of Forgery rewards from different days will be available at the same time, allowing Travelers to freely choose the material drops they need.

Adds new exploration-related quests.

Adds new character and weapon enhancement-related quests.

Adjusts the daily double drop opportunities in "Reunion Blessing" to 3 times.

Adds new version highlight videos, with rewards available after viewing: Primogems ×40.

Reduces the number of quest objectives related to Archon Quests, and the related rewards have been transferred to that of other quests.

Adds "Reunion Gifts": Starting from Version 5.0, if returning Travelers activate the "Stellar Reunion" and meet the following criteria, "Reunion Gifts" will be unlocked, allowing them to obtain Intertwined Fate ×10 by completing the related quests:

a. Adventure Rank 30 or above

b. Haven't logged into the game for at least 45 consecutive days

c. At least 60 days since the last time they activated "Reunion Gifts."

If a Traveler logs into the game during the Version 4.8 "Stellar Reunion" maintenance period and meets the following conditions, both "Stellar Reunion" and "Reunion Gifts" will be unlocked with the Version 5.0 update:

a. Adventure Rank 30 or above

b. Over 45 days since last activating the "Stellar Reunion" event

c. Haven't logged into the game for at least 45 consecutive days

● Other Systems

After the version update, the characters that appear in the "Theater Lobby" will no longer have quest progress requirements.

Updates the layout of the Account "Profile" interface, adding the number of characters in the Character Showcase and namecards displayed.

In the "Party Setup" > "Configure Team" interface, Travelers can now hold and drag to adjust the party order.

Increases the Inventory limit of Furnishings from 2,000 to 2,200.

When the Reputation Level of a certain region reaches the maximum, the weekly Reputation Quests for that region will no longer be available.

● Battle Pass

Starting from Version 5.0, some Battle Pass missions will be adjusted.

a. In Daily Missions, the Battle Pass EXP for completing "Claim Daily Commission Rewards 4 times" will be increased from 150 to 200.

b. The Missions "Complete 3 Requests" and "Complete 3 Bounties" will be removed from Weekly Missions.

c. New missions will be added in Battle Pass > This BP Period: "Enhance 5-star artifacts a total of 30 levels," "Enhance 5-star artifacts a total of 60 levels," and "Enhance 5-star artifacts a total of 100 levels." Completing these missions will grant Battle Pass EXP x3,600, Primogems x60, and Sanctifying Unction x60 each period.

d. A new mission will be added in Battle Pass > This BP Period: "Complete the Act 8 Performance Challenge in Imaginarium Theater and finalize," which will grant Battle Pass EXP x2,250.

Starting from Version 5.0, Travelers can select 3 out of 4 types of Battle Pass rewards (Mora, Character EXP Materials, Mystic Enhancement Ore, and Artifact Enhancement Materials). Details can be viewed in the Battle Pass interface.

Starting from Version 5.0, the Talent Level-Up Material bundles "Guide to the Original Current" and "Guidance of the Land of Verdure" will be replaced by "Guides of a Journey," and "Philosophies of the Original Current" and "Philosophies of the Land of Verdure" will be replaced by "Philosophies of a Journey," allowing Travelers to choose any Talent Level-Up Material from all regions and types.

Starting from Version 5.0, Travelers will receive "Sanctifying Elixir" upon reaching BP Level 26 in the Gnostic Hymn (information about "Sanctifying Elixir" can be found in the "Other Update Details" section of this notice).

Optimizes the Battle Pass system interface.

Updates the skip function for the Battle Pass animation. Viewing history will be recorded starting from Version 5.0, meaning that from Version 5.1 onwards, if Travelers have already watched the Battle Pass cutscene, it will not be replayed the first time the Battle Pass interface is opened after the version update.

● Other

Regarding the adjustments to the Reputation System and Battle Pass Reputation quests, after the Version 5.0 update is completed, the development team will send the following rewards via in-game mail: Mora ×1,000,000. Travelers who reach Adventure Rank 5 or above before 2024/08/28 06:00 (UTC+8) will be eligible to claim this reward. Compensation must be claimed before the end of Version 5.0, so please remember to log into the game to claim it. The mail will be valid for 30 days.

Adjusts some of the terrain in the adjacent "Desert of Hadramaveth" area due to the release of a new area.

In "Envisaged Echoes," adjusts the collision size of some parts of the scenery in Jean's challenge stage to prevent enemies from being abnormally stuck in the walls when knocked back.

〓Bug Fixes〓

● Enemies

Fixes an issue whereby when challenging the enemy "Hydro Tulpa," the character's attacks would incorrectly lock onto the "Half-Tulpa" that appear instead of the "Hydro Tulpa" itself under certain circumstances.

Fixes an issue whereby the enemy "Fatui Skirmisher" would not re-enter combat for a long time after disengaging in certain circumstances.

Fixes an issue whereby the combat difficulty of some enemies did not adjust dynamically at different World Levels. Once this issue is fixed, the DMG dealt by some enemies may change.

● Character

Fixes an issue on certain Android devices whereby Clorinde's Elemental Burst animation would be delayed when she casts her Elemental Burst.

Fixes an issue on certain Android devices whereby the model of the character Gaming could not be displayed properly.

Fixes an issue whereby the effect of Emilie's Lv. 6 Constellation would abnormally fail to take effect when revived at a "Statue of The Seven" after being defeated by certain enemies.

Fixes an issue whereby the direction of the attack effects would be abnormal when Emilie performs a Plunging Attack under certain circumstances.

● Genius Invokation TCG

Fixes an issue whereby there were errors in the description or text display of some cards.

Fixes an issue whereby some "companion" cards generated by "Puca's Support" had effects inconsistent with those played from the Hand and adjusts the list of possible "companion" cards that can be generated.

● Audio

Fixes an issue whereby the game music would be abnormal in the domain of Nahida's Story Quest "Lingering Warmth."

Fixes an issue whereby there is a chance that the sound effects of character movement would be missing when Sigewinne moves in the water.

Fixes an issue whereby in the "Character" > "Profile" > "Voice-Over" interface, there was an error in Arlecchino's Chinese voice line for "When the Wind Is Blowing."

Fixes an issue in the "Genius Invokation TCG" gameplay mode whereby some of the voice lines for Navia did not match the actual in-game actions. After the fix, the corresponding relationship between certain voice lines and in-game actions will be adjusted.

● Other

In the Simplified Chinese "Tutorial" and other interfaces, some descriptions incorrectly refer to the effect as "Shield," and has been adjusted to "Ward" (this issue also exists in other language interfaces and will be fixed in a future update).

Fixes an issue whereby the book model of the Furnishing "Hardcover Storybook: 'Simulanka'" would disappear abnormally under certain circumstances.

Fixes an issue whereby after completing a performance in "Imaginarium Theater," the "Performance Cast" would display abnormally during the finalization screen if all characters in the team were defeated.

Fixes an issue whereby the game would not pause on the finalization screen after failing a performance in "Imaginarium Theater."

Fixes an issue whereby there was an image error in the artwork background of Kirara's outfit "Phantom in Boots."

Fixes an issue whereby in certain situations, the character would incorrectly retain some expressions after exiting "Photo Mode."

Fixes an issue whereby there was a chance that the achievement "Melting... Away..." could not be completed.

Fixes some text errors in certain languages and optimizes text. (Note: Related in-game functions have not changed. Travelers can view the changes in different languages by going to the Paimon Menu > Settings > Language and changing the Game Language.)

◆ Optimizes inconsistencies between certain voice-overs and the corresponding lines.

◆ Optimizes certain English translations.

〓Genius Invokation TCG Balance Adjustment〓

Adjusts the effect of the Talent Card "Featherfall Judgment" of the Character Card "Cyno": Adjusts "... uses Secret Rite: Chasmic Soulfarer while having at least 2 levels of Pactsworn Pathclearer's Indwelling effect, deal +2 DMG. (Once per Round)" to "... uses Secret Rite: Chasmic Soulfarer while having at least 2 levels of Pactsworn Pathclearer's Indwelling effect, DMG dealt by Secret Rite: Chasmic Soulfarer +1. (Max twice per Round)."

Adjusts the effect of the Elemental Skill of the Character Card "All-Devouring Narwhal": The effect "Deals 1 Hydro DMG. This character deals +1 DMG for every 3 extra max HP provided by Insatiable Appetite (Max +4)" will be adjusted to "(Max +3)."

Adjusts the "Deep Devourer's Domain" effect of the Character Card "All-Devouring Narwhal": Adjusts the "increases in Max HP" effect from taking effect immediately to taking effect at the end of the Round.

Adjusts the number of times the damage negation effect triggered by "When the character to which this is attached takes DMG" occurs per Round for the Equipment Card "Prospector's Drill": Adjusted from "Twice per Round" to "Once per Round."

Adjusts the effect of "Bond of Life" state: The Bond of Life can now negate healing effects associated to the "increases in Max HP" effect.

After the version update is completed, the rewards for the web event "Off We Go to the Nation of Pyro!" will be issued officially: "Ring of Yaxche," "Footprint of the Rainbow," and "Earth Shaker," along with their corresponding Ascension Materials: Delirious Decadence of the Sacred Lord ×6, Blazing Sacrificial Heart's Terror ×3, Axis of the Secret Source ×3, Shard of a Shattered Will ×3, Ignited Stone ×3, Sentry's Wooden Whistle ×4, and Damaged Mask ×2. These rewards will be sent to Travelers via in-game mail.

a. Travelers who logged into the web event "Off We Go to the Nation of Pyro!" and cheered for the Sacred Flame Pilgrimage before the version update will receive an in-game mail approximately 2–12 hours after the update is complete. The mail will be valid for 30 days, so Travelers should log in to the game and claim the attachment within 30 days from receiving the mail.

b. Travelers who log into the web event "Off We Go to the Nation of Pyro!" and cheer for the Sacred Flame Pilgrimage after the version update will receive the reward mail within 5–10 minutes after completing the relevant reward objectives. The mail will be valid for 30 days, so Travelers should log in to the game and claim the attachment within 30 days from receiving the mail.

*This is a work of fiction and is not related to any actual people, events, groups, or organizations.

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