#diets are the worst people cant fucking live like this. im not doing it to lose weight im doing it to prevent another stroke

[leechloach]

Came the closest I've been to having a full blown meltdown in a grocery store in probably five years today

[beesmygod]

UPDATE ABOUT HEALTH, COMIC, ETC.

SUMMARY: i am still doing the comic at the fullest speed i can, but ask for patience and understanding while i get myself under control. nothing is stopping, but update days might get skipped. if you donate to the patreon for "A Ghost Story" you are only charged for pages i make per month.

ok so. the thing is about whatever is wrong with me:

i legitimately cannot tell if i am malingering, imagining things, or becoming a victim of my own anxiety because the "symptoms" im experiencing are so stupid and nondescript that they could be a consequence of anything from my awful diet to my worse sleep to my lack of exercise to even just being an alive human being. i was (am?) pretty sure most people feel like i do on a day to day because we all live such dogshit lives that fatigue, pain and chronic sickness were just the factors that united us as humans one of these ambiguous symptoms is a rotten tooth sort of pain in my joints. i have always attributed this to being lazy and out of shape and experiencing a type of pain from underuse. it absolutely does not feel like pain from overexertion. it's a deep internal throbbing that is entirely tolerable, but chronic. imagine being at like a steady 3-4 on the pain scale all day. sometimes, it "flares up" and instead of just having one joint a day (usually my hip), multiple joints will hurt much worse at once for about a week. in the past i always thought i was swerving getting the flu and just got lucky. a lot.

bc the joint paint isnt dramatic it never occurred to me to like, look at the places that hurt until recently. are the places swollen? am i looking at natural asymmetry of the human body and ascribing too much significance to nerves misfiring? in my eyes these places are not as swollen later as they are in these photos. i circled the swollen places in some bc sometimes honestly i cannot tell if thats swelling. they are places that hurt at that time and looked weird enough to document.

the only one i know for sure was/is fucked up is my toe/s. which i cant post bc of internet perverts. but the big toe turned cherry red and bloated and ached weirdly under the toenail. but there's a bump on it i can feel that makes it go numb when i push on it. bonespur? who knows. as a kid, my knee once became so red hot and swollen that i was sent home but was told it was bursitis

ANYWAY: i hurt real bad right now, and the worst of this stuff is happening in my knuckles, wrist, and my toes. when its in my hips, knees, and back i couldnt give less of a shit bc those are easier to ignore than my fingers. this friday i ran a low grade fever, slept for 20 hours and threw up my only meal. the first images are from this weekend. i have a drs appointment tomorrow.

please bear with me. the only thing a web comic needs to do in order to maintain any kind of readership is be consistent, and it is making me insane with stress that i am not able to maintain what should be an incredibly easy schedule for an audience that have been giving me the gift of allowing me to entertain them for almost a decade. i am not losing steam, just falling apart lol.

[i-have-no-void-and-i-must-scream]

Im like Constantly teetering on the edge of having a fucking eating disorder because I hate that I weigh this much, and the only thing really stopping me is that I forget I want to stop eating and I eat to avoid pain and then fucking kick myself for it later.

I think I just need a good stretch of bulimia, can't stop myself from eating, but I always realize my mistake, I should just fucking correct it. Throw it back up again. Because let's be honest, yeah, sure, EDs are seen as "not worth it" and give you a bunch of crap, but it Does also give you the one thing that all the trendy diets and pills and exercise can never give you: results. For all its many faults, it WILL make you skinnier. And I'm tired of trying to ignore that.

Like I know all the shit about it. It's not worth it, the weight won't stay off, constant mood swings and fatigue and headaches and whatnot. But what's the worst thing that could lead to, huh? Suicidal thoughts? I already want to kill myself because I can't fucking stand to look at this body. To BE in this body

And I'm doing the "Correct" things to do to lose weight. Hitting the gym, 4 mile walks pretty much daily, healthier foods, fewer snacks, more protein, less food overall, more water. AND ITS NOT FAST ENOUGH. I've been at it for months, and a couple people have Said that I look a little better, sure, But I don't Fucking FEEL IT. It FEELS like I'm trapped in the SAME fucking state I've always been in.

And I HATE this body, I CANNOT just learn to live with it! I run for 30 seconds and get winded for the next hour. I don't look good in Anything! I generate so much heat that I have trouble falling asleep. I go to tie my shoes and I can't see because my fat leg is in the way. I try to twist around and struggle because there's too much ME in my way.

This fucking sucks i cant fucking take this anymore. I want to hack off a leg or Slash my face or Chop off an Arm or Gut out my belly or Cut my hair or Flay My Skin or SOMETHING!!!!! FUCKING ANYTHING TO LET ME KNOW MY BODY CAN CHANGE GODDAMNIT!!!!!

Because it all comes down to this: I Can Not stand to live in this body anymore. So one of two things must happen. Either this body will change into a livable state... or I will stop living. And I've been reeeeeeally trying to make option one work buuuuut...

[everythingsinred]

pls just understand this: type one and type two diabetes are two entirely different illnesses (they are both called diabetes bc the disease was named before scientists fully understood the causes and illnesses properly). first, lumping them together under “diabetes” (as in the joke and also treating them like the same disease) can be very harmful! the confusion can result in misunderstandings at best (like my sister not being allowed to eat cookies at parties even tho. yes she can eat cookies.) and misdiagnoses at worst.

type 2 diabetes happens gradually and usually later in life, bc the insulin is overloaded into the bloodstream over time and the cells stop responding as much to it, which means the diabetic isnt getting energy despite eating it. it can be potentially reversible with great effort but it can still be dangerous. changing your diet and exercising more helps a lot but it can still be harmful especially early on before diagnosis. 

VS type 1 diabetes is an auto-immune disease, usually diagnosed in childhood (hence why its sometimes referred to as “juvenile diabetes,” but bc it doesnt GO AWAY once ur an adult, that name is misleading), and it makes sufferers more susceptible to other illnesses. usually undiagnosed type 1 diabetics are severely underweight. basically your body is KILLING itself trying to destroy the insulin-producing beta cells bc it has been confused into considering them as enemies. 

so associating sugar overload with diabetes is stupid bc 1. type 2 diabetes happens over a long period of time, not from one sundae or whatever! and can be actually a backhanded comment tbh and is used to shame ppl for eating sugary foods. and 2. u begin to have dangerous misconceptions about the diseases, particularly about type 1. 

even doctors dont always understand the difference! my younger sister (dearest zoe), displayed all the obvious symptoms of type 1 and was severely underweight. my parents took her to the hospital and her pediatrician told my mom to try and fatten her up! my grandpa (a retired doctor from serbia) suspected that she could be diabetic and told my mom to get her tested and her pediatrician said theyd run the tests but that she probably wasnt diabetic (bc he was thinking of type TWO!!! TYPE TWO!!! shes so skinny how could she be diabetic??). my mom was literally making batches of fudge (!!!!!) to feed six-year old skinny zoe when she received the call that zoe probably had type 1 diabetes, with her pediatrician apologizing profusely.

we were lucky that our grandpa knew what type 1 was. other kids might not get a proper diagnosis bc for some reason not even doctors know all the info about these illnesses. (even tho theyre pretty common. ugh) zoe has had many issues with knowing more abt her illness than the doctors who are supposed to be treating her.

and in the us so many ppl die from diabetes (especially type 1) bc they RELY ON INSULIN TO LIVE (non-negotiable especially with type 1, even if you go on a “diet” so shut up about that) and when they run out because they cant afford it (even tho it is very cheap to produce and the inventor of synthetic insulin wanted it to be available to everyone) they fucking DIE, in their sleep or from ketoacidosis which is an incredibly painful condition. 

so before you make a stupid fucking “DIABETES” joke try to consider all the people suffering from it and how often children are misdiagnosed. think about how my sister has literally every rando idiot telling HER how to manage HER disease when they dont know SHIT who make the same dumbass jokes you do. shut up with the diabetes jokes im gonna skin u

[limelocked]

its interesting that i think dream would react in the exact same way that techno does in sundial to entering hermitcraft (also im feeling old, sundial was made before phil joined dsmp) 

so anyways

dream enters hermitcraft with a cruel start that sends him swiftly in a panic when his feet are pulled down into the bubbling water amongst a horizon spanning ocean at which beaches lay buildings taller than any seen on his own server. he panics not because of the sinking but because of the vastness of this place compared to the comfortable box where he- its too big- he shouldnt want to go back

reaching the bottom of the backup armour station his mind goes instinctual and ignores chat donning netherite and elytra. and he runs. dream runs away.

why does he run away? well because falsesymmetry is very good at pvp, cubfan is decent with a bow, not that he couldnt take the mcc participants but his best friend had assured him that should he leave the small, warm, suffocating box then he would be hunted down and killed. he only has one canon life, hes not sure he could revive himself

theres a search party for this intruder and its not until the camera accounts are brought in that the hunt is truly on.. and still it takes time. they only catch him in the end where there is no dragon to kill, where the only way out is back to that endless ocean stretching in every way and maybe even up. he fights but a diet of few potatoes does nothing for him even though he managed to shove several pieces of bread into him during the hunt

x mediates, welcomes him, wonders why hes so scared, how he got here, dream cant see if x pities him or fears him, they share a mask. there are too many people there and he decides that its better that they pity him, underestimate him, he claws at the control he might be able to have and lies through his teeth about a broken portal and about why he looks like a skeleton clad in skin and skittishness. x hums and promises that the problem will be fixed and offers a place at his base until dream can go back, something he is rapidly starting to wonder if he... wants

and living with the hermits is hard, its not because of the strings he has to pull to keep in control or because of the netherhub filled with blocks that in themself carry connotation of things that hurt in his badly healing wounds. no. its hard because the hermits are kind. he doesnt feel too bad manipulating them, lying to them, but its hard to trust their intentions after quackity, after sam, after punz, sapnap, george, wilbur, tommy... 

xisuma finds him in the base after dying to lava, standing flush with a wall near his bed and helps him calm down only to give the items that hadnt manage to burn back to him. he takes from the shopping district without paying and get a reminder then a tab that can be redeemed in favours. but the worst thing is that after he and cleo get into a fight where she is right, where he knows that he’s wrong, where he can hear his arguments slipping

she still says hi to him like a friend two days later when they spot each other in the nether

and that is the hardest thing that is the thing he hates

so he tells her the truth, just like with sam, self sabotages and tells her just what he did and why and this whole Thing about attachments and about the server and she doesnt look at him like he’s a monster, she judges him, of course, but she also knows that he isnt... healthy, cutting yourself off from everything you care about isnt Healthy and this man made of skintight bones is 21. 

so she scolds him, she tells him that doing that what he did to this tommy kid was fucked up but so is whatever the hell he’s doing to himself

and he cries

and instead of sabotaging xisumas efforts to bring him back to his own server he tells him about the situation, about the prison and the torture 

and he asks if he could stay

[starryfreckles]

✨ten questions✨

thank you for tagging me fae, grey, and sarah 💛this is three sets of questions so buckle in, this is going to be a long ass post lol but their questions are so good !! i couldnt not respond 🥰grab yourself something to drink, its a whole lot about me... 30 questions about me actually lol

from la twin @fvae​ ✨

#1 If you were a fruit, what fruit would you be ?

a mirabelle. its a mix between an apricot and a plum thats from france and maybe other parts of western europe idk 🤷‍♀️

#2 Free space!! Rant about whatever you’d like

thanks queen, what will i talk about today ?? ooh i know ok not so much a rant but im currently listening to harry potter and the goblet of fire audiobook becuase i wanted to read the stories again. this one is probs one of my favs and so much got left out in the film like DOBBY’S FUCKING ROLE IN IT ! also just the beginning when dudley is on his diet and harry has a fucking stash of food in his room and the weasley’s coming to get him. theres so much more to the story and i know they cant fit the 450 page book into a 2 hour movie but those details are so important for me. theyre part of the world building and we all know im a sucker for world building and character dev. like hell yea storytelling !! but just the wizarding world in general is my pride and joy and means the actual world to me 🥺 also after this one imma listen to order of pheonix becuase SOOOOO many details were left out in that movie and wowow best book but like highkey worst film... ((maybe thats the rant part of this lolol ok this was def a rant LMAOOO)) ok but its a really good one and i just wanted to be in that world again 🥺🥺

#3 If I were to visit your country right now, where would you take me ? What places should I visit ?

right, youd be coming to the southern west coast of the US. if covid wasnt a thing we’d go to a bunch of museums but ART, we are artists 🥰we’d also go to all the open air malls which are super cool and just fun to walk around and window shop. theres the beach for like beachy things lol, more touristy things. but theres also the mountains for hiking and being one with nature. there are a few observatories and telescopes within 2 hour roadtrips and those are cool becuase SPACE and just their location on top of super cool mountains for all the views you could ever want. 

#4 If you came with a label, what would it say ?

« not what you’d expect » or « beware of typos »

#5 If your life was a book, that title would you give this chapter of your life ?

oooh so i this chapter of my life closing soon ((RIP ME)) but i think id be called something like « what do i make ? » or « finding my voice »

#6 What is your stereotype in your friend group ?

oh lordy, im like a mom friend ((hi tasfia if youre reading this lol)), the super organised one that plans things lmaooo

#7 What’s your spirit animal ?

Im an owl or a fox lets be realll

#8 What’s the most unexplainable thing that’s ever happened to you? Does it still happen ?

lol not to get deep and sad but the amount of friends i have somehow managed to push away and lose... uhhh yea it does... im not good with relationships 😔sigh 

#9 What’s your favourite word and it’s meaning ?

extraordinary - adj very unusual or remarkable.

if you break the word down to its compoun words : « extra » and « ordinary » to me its almost as if it should mean something that is incredibly plain but its not, its quite the opposite of that. 

#10 What was something that made you smile this past week ?

i had a bunch of convos with my irl friend and coworker ((about wtfock LOLOLOL and just getting her to start watching skam lol)) that were super hilarious and just really nice 🥰

from @stoffans​ 🌸

#1 What would be the most fitting for you: the sun, the moon or the stars?

I think the moon. it has phases of lightness and darkness...

#2 Where have you felt incredibly out of place?

literally any party or group of people greater than three. im an incredible shy person around people i do not know very well and just sit there awkwardly...

#3 What are the moments in life that make you realise life isn’t all that bad?

when im out with my closest friends or when im making my creative work

#4 Which song makes you feel like you’re floating on a cloud?

visions of gideon by sufjan stevens its so soft and relaxing

#5 Sunset or sunrise?

seeing as im not usually awake fro sunrise lol, imma have to say sunset. i used to live near the beach when i still physically went to uni ((rip covid)) and man those colours and seeing the sun dip into the oceans wowow

#6 Do you like it when people do stuff for you without telling you?

i love that kind of stuff, im an acts of service kind of person and just the little things to show that they thought of me just gets me tbh

#7 Did you ever cheat on your tests in school?

uuhh nei, im a good student 😭

#8 Could you take care of a plant or would it die instantly?

i always had plants in my uni room, they did great 💛

#9 Do you think you’re a difficult person?

emotionally yes, i cant describe what im feeling and im terrible with words in difficult conversations... other than that, im the most indecisive person youll ever meet and pretty easy going.

#10 Give me one word to describe yourself

anticipatory or thoughtful. i guess these two kind go together but i like play out different outcomes in different scenarios and anticipate so much... 

from @grey-mist-exist​ 🍂 ((you tagged me on my main but i wanted to put them all together, i hope you dont mine 💛))

#1 Does your current means of transportation (car/bike/etc.) have a name? What is it?

uhhh so i havent been in a car in about a month soooo imma say my rolly desk chair that i use to zip around me room lol. its from IKEA and its called sporren

#2 If you could learn a language over-night, what language would you choose and why?

ahhh id learn norwegian ngl, dutch is close second. OORRR i stick to my roots and learn vietnamese 🤨 hmmm idkkk there are many languages i would love to learn 😭

#3 If you were an article of clothing, what would you want to be?

id be a jumper, to keep people warm and cozy

#4 You get teleported into a childhood fairy tale / folk story- what tale is it?

peter pan 🥰🥰🥰 my main’s user is enough i think lol

#5 You get the choice between time-travel or travelling to a parallel universe (but only being able to travel one time). Which do you choose?

parallel universe. i want to see how another me is getting on in life. what happens if my parents never moved us out of france 🥺

#6 Sun, moon, stars, or other? Why?

the stars are so interesting and mysterious

#7 If you were a path, what type of path would you be (concrete, cobblestone, dirt road, highway, asphalt, etc.)?

red brick. for the aesthetic lol

#8 How do you know when you’re in love?

i get butterflies in my stomach and my heart drops when they walk in

#9 What is your cellphone wallpaper?

bb fae look ((you already knew this was it but 💛💛)) 

✨🌸💛✨🌸💛this lovely piece of art of my bb is by @jensrolt​ go check out all her other art, its always the cutest thing ever ✨🌸💛✨🌸💛

#10 If you could instantly become an expert in something, what would it be?

expert of molecular cuisine pls. i love cooking and food. that kind of science fascinates me

[sk8terzz]

OK WAIT VAMPIRE AU AND IM LIVING FOR IT i have a shit ton of headcanons so,,,

here’s a quick summary

Humans hunt vampires and they’re often outcased/killed, although there’s been more recently since they’re learning from a young age to disguise themselves and can now hide their teeth.

also there's a couple types of vampires: some who melt in sun but have wings and can eat normal diets and those who don’t melt in sun, don’t have wings and need a little bit of blood in their diets (but it can be from like,, animals. It doesn’t have to be humans)

the vampires who melt in the sun (ILL CALL EM MELTY BOYS) are super rare so unless stated otherwise, whenever i say “X is a vampire” i'm referring to the not melty ones with no wings

setting/time/almost everything is the same. They are just. Vampires. (THEY LOOK DIFFERENTS TOO SFBDJHG)

also ships include: adrinette/ladynoir, djwifi, julerose, kimax, myvan, nathaniel/marc (I FORGOT THEIR SHIP NAME) and chlolix (chloe/alix)

You can send me ask if you want more details on certain things but yeah

if that interest you there’s more stuff under the cut

here’s what everyone is because its easier

Marinette: vampire *MELTY BOY

Adrien: vampire *MELTY BOY

Nino: human

Alya: half vampire thing?? Idk it just feels right *the sun hurts her skin a little, and she has little wings*

Chloe: vampire

Sabrina: human

Alix: vampire

Kim: human

Max: human

Rose: human

Juleka: vampire *MELTY BOY

Nathaniel: human

Lila: human

Mylene: human

Ivan: vampire

Everyone else is a human except for marc, nathalie and adrien’s mom *MELTY BOY

- marinette feels rlly bad about being a vampire (ALSO she a melty one)

- “TIKKI IM A VAMPIRE BRO I CANT BE LADYBUG”

- can go in the sun for about a minutes before it begins to really hurt so being ladybug isn’t awful cause she can hide in the shade most of the time

- ALWAYS HAS A SUN CAP ON (when she’s marinette) she just wants to be in the sun bro

- some guys start a theory that ladybug’s a vampire and she’s SCREAMING LIKE BRO HOW DO THEY KNOW but it was a joke

- alya is like,, super weird about vampires cause she was taught her whole life to hate vampires by nora because she thinks they’re super dangerous

- at first alya’s like “yeah suck it vampires” and then she learns she’s actually half vampire and she’s kinda like

- “fuck”

- almost rejects the miraculous lb gave her cause she was like “no im kinda vampire”

- but lb just goes “yeah me too so what”

- ALYA FREAKS SHE’S LIKE FUCK YEAH VAMP GANG

- nino’s super chill with her being a vampire!! he finds it rlly cool lol

i feel like i could go into more detail about their relationship but That’s Another Story For Another Day

- adrien kinda hates being a vampire (esp a melty one) and hides it from everyone but plagg

- his dad would kill him for being a vampire because then his son wouldn’t be perfect and that’s not good enough

- felix figures out he’s a vampire but doesn’t tell anyone

- felix isn’t a fan of vampires but respects his cousin and keeps his secret

- hiding his wings is so annoying like??? He wraps them around his body and wears a cap all the time is the WORST

- also same thing as lb he can go in the sun for about a minute as chat noir before he begins to melt

- again i can go into more detail about chat noir/ladybug and marinette/adrien but im trying to keep this kinda short

- CHLOE OH GOD chloe is so scared

- don’t get me wrong she still is mean and petty but she’s really scared someone will find out shes a vampire

- and someone does

- BUT ITS ALIX AND SHES ALSO A VAMPIRE LMAO

- alix is super chill with chloe and is like “hey man i know ur a vampire but i am too”

- after this they both end up getting feeling for each other lol

- THEY BE DATING but that’s a secret

- chloe’s mom knows she’s a vampire because she saw her fangs when she was born which is part of the reason she doesn’t like chloe

- in this au audrey never warms up to chloe instead chloe learns to not give a shit about what her mom thinks (with the help of marinette and ladybug) and tells her off before her mom leaves for new york

- her mom still keeps the fact that chloe’s a vampire a secret from everyone tho

- cause outing someone as a vampire is actually so low that even thought like yeah,, not everyone likes vampires but like no one’s gonna like u either bc you outed them on something so personal and something they trusted you with

- sabrina doesn’t care if chloe’s a vampire she still really cares about her

- but sabrina wouldn’t like it if anyone else was a vampire

- also another thing about chloe she tends to act like she hates vampires to avoid detecting from the Vamp Police 

- ig the vamp police is like sabrina’s dad who really hates vampires and actively looks for them (which is part of the reason sabrina isn’t a big fan of vampires either.)

- they’re not called the vamp police it’s just the police but i like saying that

- like i said before alix is Vampire and basically learns who’s a vampire in the class super quickly

- she knows what to look for when someone’s hiding their identity and knows she’s not the only vampire in the class

- she also figures out everyone’s super hero identities (which is why she gets the rabbit miraculous)

- max knows from stats that it’s likely that there's a couple people in the class who are vampires

- KIM DIDN’T ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT A VAMPIRE WAS BECAUSE HIS FAMILY THOUGHT IT WOULD SCARE HIM SO THEY NEVER TOLD HIM LMAO

- max had to teach him (with the help of alix) what a vampire was but it took like an hour

- the only reason kim actually learned something is because his boyfriend told him that if he paid super close attention (after running through the whole presentation like 3 times) he would give him a smooch

- after that kim grew a big brain and learned everything

- both of their parents and ondine would be super accepting if they were vampires tho

- but they’re both human

- also a little more lore its not biological if you’re a vampire or not it’s purely chance

- Its kinda like being born lgbt ig

- ALSO EVERYONE IS SOME FORM OF LGBT but i have my own hc for that

- lgbt vampires are incredibly oppressed like they can’t go out into the street *pensive*

- ANYWAYS juleka is a melty vampire and rose is a human

- rose’s family is super into hunting vampires 

- rose invited her gf over for a family dinner and the whole time they talked about killing vampires

- juleka doesn’t hate being a vampire and thinks it’s really cool

- SO SHE DRESSES LIKE A VAMPIRE???

- rose had marinette design juleka a sun hat similar to hers because juleka kept forgetting she melts in the sun and went out in it more times then she should’ve

- juleka’s a little bit more outgoing in this au and drops hints that she’s a vampire because she thinks it’s Epic

- rose has to remind her that not everyone thinks it’s epic

- nathaniel is really passionate about vampires and wants to learn more about them

- HE POPPED OFF HARD WHEN HE LEARNED HIS BOYFRIEND’S A VAMPIRE

- nathaniel is so supportive of marc it’s rlly cute

- he has to stop himself from mentioning his bf’s a vampire bc he remembers not everyone thinks it’s as cool as he does

- marc loves that nathaniel is so supportive

- when he first saw nathaniel drawing the class of vampires he just went “fuck he’s the one”

- 100% nathaniel draws marc looking super vampire during class

- i’m just now thinking of akuma’s but like here’s kinda how it would work

- They’re basically the same as they were before (being all evil and shit,, basically the same powers) but i think there would be some story changes??

- lady wifi would be less concerned with lb’s identity and more with if she’s a vampire or not because the cause of her akuma would be her theorizing if lb’s a vamp or not

- causing chloe to make fun of her and say stuff like “cool people can’t be vampires they’re stupid and serve no purpose in life”

- lady wifi doesn’t manage to rip of either lb’s mask for her fake teeth because the costume change also adds fake human teeth to replace the real ones (and you can’t take them off like the mask)

- but lady wifi doesn’t know this so she assumes lb’s not a vampire which she’s disappointed with but alya doesn’t remember this

- BUT the media and chat noir think that she’s not a vampire

- reflekta’s design is a little different but that’s about it

- The change with lady wifi is the only akuma i can think about rn but if i do more headcanons about this i might go more into detail on stuff like that

- CHAT BLANC IS ALSO DIFFERENT

- the build up to the akumatisation is basically the same but adrien realises that lb is marinette and also a melty vampire cause he she’s her melt a little when she leaves the room

- after marinette breaks up with adrien he runs in and transforms 

- after the reveal of adrien’s mom and stuff adrien reveals his wings and tries to kill is dad

- gabriel is disgusted by his son and tells him how disappointed his mother would be

- then chat gets akumatized and stuff

- instead of hitting the moon he’d hit the sun so that he didn’t need to struggle with being a vampire anymore

- he sucks the life out of hawkmoth and claims that he and lb can be together now that there’s no daylight but she says she can live like this which is when he kills her and goes on a murder spree

- then he just sits atop the eiffel tower in complete darkness until past lb shows up with bunnyx and she fixes everything

- his motives are more about disappointing his mother this time and being ashamed about being a vampire

- and also that his wish would be to make it so nobody is a vampire so people wouldn't have to feel ashamed about their identity and hide it all the time

- lb teaches him to love himself and his identity as a vampire and how proud his mother would’ve been of him

- ok enough about chat blanc 

- lila is a human and she acts like she loves vampires 

- but she actually hates them

- she’s super touchy with adrien and he’s even more uncomfortable now cause he knows she’s lying and would hate him when she found his wings

- all the vampires have seen this act before and tell their s/o’s so basically everyone’s against lila except for like maybe sabrina

- no one thinks she’s cool because i hate her

- she still lies about going on rides with prince ali and other stuff 

- WOULD TOTALLY OUT SOMEONE AS A VAMPIRE

- absolute jerk

- her family is known for hunting vampires but she claims she’s different

- ok but ivan is just a sweet vampire trying to keep his identity a secret and mylene is just his support human gf who loves him just the way he is

- ivan doesn’t hate being a vampire but also doesn’t like it cause he’s worried that everyone will say stuff like “i bet you’re a vampire” “you’re a villain and you’re cruel, just like vampires” and other stupid stuff

- he is just a soft man

- MYLENE DEFENDS HIM WITH HER LIFE

- mylene thinks him being a vampire is super cool!!

- they kiss a lot and ivan is worried he’ll bite her but she’s ok with it

- sometimes ivan wishes he was a melty vampire so he could wrap his wings around mylene to cuddle her and stuff

- they are v cute valid couple

- gabriel knows nathalie is a vampire and she knows he knows but neither of them make comments on it

- nathalie does really like vampires and doesnt mind being one herself

- she knows adrien’s a vampire and helps him hide it

- his father likes to know everything about adrien so he tried leaving cups with blood in them in his room to see if he would drink them

- and if he did cause he didn’t know his father was testing him nathalie would just refill them

- she starts keeping blood around the house and gabriel assumes it’s just for her cause he isn’t educated and doesn’t know the difference between rare vamps and the common vamps

- but it’s for adrien

- ALSO LIKE LAST ONE BUT one time lb and chat went out at night to hunt for blood cause they were thirsty but they ran into each other and it was rlly awkward

- but they’re both rlly oblivious and convince each other that they were out for a nightly stroll cause they couldnt sleep

[chasing-rabbits]

Being vegan is amazing but exhausting bc you read the same fucking carnist BS every day and ... ugh. Pls carnists I'm literally begging u to read a book.

I know right. I think it is most infuriating when they act like they know me better than I do and trained nutritionists. It’s stupid I hate when they are like but GrAsS FeD WiLL mAkE U BeTTeR Cos  I literally live on old farmland next door to me is a farm outside my window I’d see the cows/lambs. I had in the past even had meat from a local farm shop so when they say grass fed organic this blah blah that I’m like no ...I cannot physically consume meat regardless of how the cow was treated and fed on only the finest grass.  Also I mean honestly I know most people won’t listen to ethical arguments not when they are like that. So im ngl as much as I worry I come across as a health focused plant based dieter to people who maybe havent seen other posts of mine.  I am a vegan ethically and morally. It just so happens my body also does not tolerate meat and dairy. So it is also the healthier option plus life saving when it comes to dairy which would be no bueno. But the point is I like using it because it shuts them down. They are like but veganism is unhealthy fiber bad plants bad grains bad...meat and dairy good they generalise everything then like that person told me when i replied back oh u cant generalise because of your illnesses...which i wasnt..i used my illnesses as an example of how the opposite of what they said is true...all meat is good all vegan diets bad well no for me meat and dairy was v. bad vegan is good. Its like ugh seriously. But I’ve not had issues with idiot carnists in awhile and i manage to keep my feed pretty well managed so I dont tend to see them on the dash even from vegan blogs I follow then again as I said I’ve not been super active on this blog. And I’ve not been like...I’ve been generally not getting into discourse to much on veganism on twitter atm..its stressful and tiring and sometimes honestly it is not worth wasting our breath on trolls or people who are at this moment in time unreceptive to our words and/or evidence.  I for my own mental health try to avoid discourse now but I couldn’t resist this person today... Idiot carnists like them have the worst mentality. Like its not all carnists thats for sure but oh boy there are some right idiots out there. My favourite idiots being those who promote the carnivore diet - the whole mostly eating beef and like livers and other organs from cows. They are possibly the stupidest kind of carnists I’ve encountered.

[violentviolette]

so I know absolutely nobody asked but I wanna talk about it so this is the content u signed up for

so anyway heres my current planner/journal setup that Ive used this year. these three books are my entire life and sanity. more pictures of the inside and descriptions of my specific setups under the cut

okay so the little blue one is my literal pocket book (because it lives in my jacket pocket) it's where I put all my grocery lists and reminders and info I need to have on me but will always forget at home when I leave the house. it's like what normal people probably just use a notes app for but I'm a dinosaur and I dont like to use my phone for that stuff. it's also got tiny izuku nerding out over pro hero ground zero because I'm garbage. as u can see I like plastering my shit with fandoms and cartoons because life is short and cartoons are fun

the "notes" book is where I keep bigger stuff like my monthly expenses (which I'm terrible at) and other bigger charts and stuff I track or make lists for like art projects or home improvement stuff

then the sailor moon cover has my planner and a few extra small notebooks slipped in. the lists notebook has stuff like packing lists, long term to do lists, my elimination diet results and lists of foods that I cant eat anymore, gift ideas for peoples birthdays and xmas, ect.

I really fucking loved this set up and the planner layout was perfect but they arent making it again this year. I also loved that it was a faux leather softcover like that is the perfect feel for a journal. I hate hardcovers, I like to bend my books and for them to have a nice soft feel and give to them.

I'm hoping to roll most of this setup over to 2020 and just have to replace the journal but we shall see. sometime this week Im gonna check out barns and noble and maybe office max? and see if they have anything I like. worst case scenario I could make my own planner with printables and bind it myself but that's a lot of fkn work and I dont have the patience for bookbinding so hopefully it wont come to that 🤞🏼

[ghost-babygirl]

 blah blah i do not existttttttttt blah blah disregard look away look away nothin g is real i am not real 

 i’m kind of amazed at my ability to not follow the worse thread (physically) as I have often quickly done before. Is it because i’m too tired? maybe. I live in an apartment with another girl who has an eating disorder and just my luck, is very very far from recovery. Tonight, I got really sick of my bullshit and finally got myself to make dinner around 9 after 3 ish weeks of beating around it and having goldfish or half a bullshit smushed pbj I didn’t have time to eat at work. however on rare occasion,  all my roomies were here and kiki’ing in the kitchen, when suddenly the other girl gets up and is like “okay fuck it im eating!” after watching me and my other roommate start to cook. Yall. not only does this girl strictly eat diet food to the point where it’s officially fucked with her period cycle, but she gets up and the way i can FEEL her angry beside me on a calorie tracker.... words cannot describe how uncomfortable i feel in this place. its as though im watching my worst moments on a loop and i can’t do anything about it but cry. If i clench my jaw tighter my molar will crack and pierce the soft gums below it.  I don’t know if its me being over my bullshit and knowing i can’t /don’t want to go back to that, or what, but i actually stood there and told myself “you’re finishing making this and you’re going to fucking eat it”. it wasn’t much, i’ll be honest, but i did. It was horrible the entire time and i felt like I was being incredibly judged but jesus christ i ate. and thats going to have to be enough. everything all of the time is just this constant reminder something is wrong with me and im just so tired. im so tired. all i want to do is be okay during this internship and i cant be. How can i be? Its like sticking an addict in a room with nothing but everything at their fingertips, man.  All i want to do is watch a stupid fucking anime with someone i like and feel NORMAL  and i can’t, they’re calling a man who’s at best a 34 a pig boy. all i want to do is go to a theme park and enjoy myself and i CAN’T cause this new friend happens to be obsessed with talking about how bad food is for you!! literally all of the time, and eating fast!  and oh my god did you know that traditoinal mooncakes are wonderful but SOOOOO calorie dense? yeah! they’re actually HORRIBLEEEEE for you! did you know this? because now i do. 

 i just want the luxury of being able to fucking exist, and at this point i don’t think thats genuinely possible. every day the world shows me that i’m one of the worst possible outcomes it seems. i’m this girls worst nightmare. I’m my mothers worst nightmare and yet she tells me im beautiful so whats the truth? but also dont dress that way because it’s not flattering. but also she’d kill to look like me yet i’m what she’s spent her lifetime killing herself to not look like. everyday there’s a new issue. Is it an issue? am I my hair or my legs or my uneven bone structure? am i the issue? and why do people fear me? Do they see my insides from the outside? what can they possibly know when im trying so hard to hide? i’m trying to hide it all, i’m trying to fix it. did i ever really need to fix it? You love my laugh but its too loud and its too ridiculous and i’m too annoying, do i need to be smaller? Are my insecurities really an issue to be fixed? are they really an issue? well it wont be next week....but it’ll swing back the week after! and be in your head all over again and when people are positioned on a certain side you’ll wonder if they focus in on it the same way you do, like when you’re at the movies. you love being there but hate the seats and you’re in your head partially because of how they are positioned and what if you look disgusting what if you’re vile? and oh god are they able to tell?  oh wait, its a new week, and now its not as bad as you thought until oh waIT! oh GOD!  you just saw it again , with worse eyes than before, and now you’re crying in the work bathroom. until wait, let me trade out worrying about this issue with your hair texture. too much right? not enough? the girls always told you you should straighten it. should you start that again? no, you don’t want to, but you know its whats preferred and easier to look at- less of a mess, less loud. 

 I think everyday is just going to be the world telling me something is wrong with me and i’m supposed to now just learn to be okay with that. i dont know, but I wish i was someone who could have the right to just be. 

[plant-flowers-not-trash]

My doctor is deadass so fucking stupid and I need to find a new one.

Shes extremely anti medication and for once in my life I'm okay with taking meds and finding treatment, and shes like "naw just find the all natural way"

Like in theory thats great but I have a disease that consumes my entire life. Im in constant chronic pain, to the point i cannot work. I have chronic fatigue which is 10x more than just being tired, so I drink caffeine to try and get through it. I have an extremely weak immune system, and regularly nearly pass out just from showering or standing while cooking.

Yoga and water is good for me, but its not going to magically cure me. You think i want to be on literally 6 different pain killers?? No! I wish I didnt need 10 different medications to take daily but I have to live that life in order to function.

She treats me like I'm stupid all the time, and is like "oh well you totally have stomach issues cause of gluten intolerance"

Ive been tested for that twice and they came back negative. I bave 4 stomach diseases. 4! I have an intolerance to food in general! Ive cut out so much food from my life, and don't even eat enough cause my food bill doesnt cover what i need and some days I cant keep it down.

I drink herbal tea, I eat a mostly vegetarian diet, I stretch my back out constantly, I drink tons and tons of water, I try to get up and move during the day. Like... I've been in this body for nearly 22 years. I know what it needs.

I've tried more exercise and was left bed ridden for weeks. I can barely do laundry without being dead for 2 days.

Yoga isnt going to stop my severe nerve pain i deal with daily and often am up crying over how much it hurts. Theres nothing you can do about nerve pain because unlike a sprained wrist or pulled back, you cant just sooth the area better. It is inside and hurting cause it wants to for no reason.

Hell I can barely get through the store on my own without getting dizzy and nauseous after 10 minutes. Not cause I'm out of shape but cause my body physically hates me and cannot do much. I learned my mistake in trying to just deal with it and be normal. I legit almost died. Im not doing that shit again.

Fucking idiot doctor.... Not only that but people with POTS have a wide range. Some its just an inconvenient, others its life threatening. I'm on the worst side of it. I went to an extremely professional hospital to be told my life expectancy is shorter than other peoples and to relax cause stress can kill me. So sorry if I wanna spend out my years not in agonising pain and up all night unable to sleep from it.

Jesus Christ...... I'm angry lol

[the-sun--will--rise]

Ok this is another rant because these are kind of fun and i dont want my neighbor to hear me scream. 

I just saw a post from my undergrad college saying that you should swap a bun for a lettuce wrap and im livid i know this is probably not the hill die on but oh my god i hate it when people say this it’s just guilting people out of eating nice things, a burger bun is not going to kill you, just taking things away is not healthy.

I’m also pissed because my dad keeps saying that my diet is so healthy now and that he wishes he had eaten more healthily when he was my age so i should be glad. First of all, what you ate as a teenager is none of my business and also not something you should be worried about or regretting in your 50s its long past and has no meaningful impact anymore move on. Second, no cutting things out is not healthy, its restrictive. I know you’ve been tricked by diets to thinking that carbs are evil and wheat specifically is the worst thing you can eat, i know i lived through you talking about this for years and years i lived through the low carb everything years and the guilt tripping and the no I shouldn’t have that and the being terrible to every fat person you saw in public. I know all of this and i am so sorry that you believe that because that’s no way to live, i see the constant yo-yo dieting and i know it isnt healthy, but no matter what i say i just get told off. When i was really struggling to let myself eat anything (not that anyone knew but still) and was trying to say that it isn’t healthy for him or anyone else to live like this and its especially not healthy to talk about it all the time i just got yelled at so. There’s nothing i can do but telling me that im healthier now is so stupid and also very much not reading the room. It’s not more healthy, in fact im eating like this because im sick, normal people can and should eat gluten. That’s what made me extra mad about the school instagram post that one of the reasons for having lettuce over a burger bun was that it “avoids gluten”, which is not something most people need to do??? It’s a weird thing to say because it just adds more shame to eating breads and things which is not a thing anyone needs. I really dont know who thought that through but they clearly didn’t think it through enough. 

I’m just so pissed off that people cant seem to get over this idea that carbs are scary and evil and will make you fat (shock horror that’s the worst thing that could ever happen). It’s so stupid. And on a personal level I spent so many years (nearly a decade) feeling guilty for eating cards and bread and things like that especially and now i can never have it again. I think of all the bread and cakes and pastries i was too afraid to eat and what good did it do me? None, i was anxious and guilty and im not healthier or happier, now i just have this weird sense that i missed out. And like a weird regret that I didn’t just eat what i wanted when I could. So eat whatever the fuck you want it really doesn’t matter, like obviously you’ll feel better if you eat things with vitamins and get a variety, so eat things that make your body and your mind feel good. Eat what makes you happy and that’s things that fuel you and taste good. 

I’m just so mad that my health issues are constantly dismissed as it is and now its all its not that bad, you can still eat most things and its healthier, like no,  theres a lot i cant eat anymore, especially because so much gluten free food or cuisines that just dont have it have other things i cant eat. It’s hard to find things to eat and very stressful, especially when im still trying to get over the eating disorder that i never got help for aside from a therapist telling me I definitely had one and mentioning treatment a few times, she never actually wanted to address it. I just want to be able to eat normally and i already was never going to be able to and now its just worse, so dont tell me this is for the best because its isn’t and it is hard and im tired of every health problem i have being trivialized, im not asking for special treatment (though there’s nothing wrong with that and i should learn to accept that but that’s anther issue) and im definitely not asking for pity, i just want people (my dad) to stop acting like its nothing and that nothing has changed. 

Also the way he is so mean to my great aunt who has celiac about asking for people to be careful and not cross contaminate makes me really scared to go home because i dont trust him to be careful (he already tried to get my brother to eat fish that he can eat, even though he knows that because he cant eat all fish eating any fish makes him nervous). I get yelled at for being too accommodating but i know that if i ask for anything or make too big a deal out of things that ill be yelled at too. 

Anyway, moral of the story is that gluten wont kill you (unless it will but your would know) and neither will carbs, and its unhealthy to think that it will and just as bad to push those ideas on others. I’m definitely going to have another rant soon about the extremes of ‘clean’ eating so stay tuned future me 

[youngbloodlisk]

tw eating disorder and mention of ed triggers and habits

disclaimer: i do not condone or recommend ANY of the things im about to say that i do. i am very unhealthy, both in mind and in body, PLEASE do not do anything that i say i do.

(also im sorry i cant put any keep reading tabs in these posts, but i dont have my laptop with me)

how it started is a hard question, because i don't know if anything truly kicked it off.

i've been overweight my whole life. my parents, my grandparents, my cousins, my aunts and uncles, almost my entire family are all overweight. because we live in the american southern states, where food is usually something that is eaten and eaten until you can no longer stand it. and my family are very versed in that aspect of "southern culture".

but my parents knew what they grew up with, being overweight, and what physical problems they were already facing because of their weight around the time i was born. and, eventually, they were determined that i would not be like them. they had me on my first diet when i was......maybe 6? almost as far back as i can remember. they had me counting calories when i was about 10. they did alllllll the fad diets and made me do it with them, and they still do fad diets all the time. they always told me i was too big, told me i needed to lose weight. and i agreed, i still do (obviously).

i think all of that had a huge impact on developing an ed, for me personally.

as far as triggers, it's complicated.

part of the illness, typically, is the compulsion to trigger yourself intentionally. it can be by looking up things like thinspo/meanspo/sweetspo (if you don't know what any of those are, just let me know and i can explain), watching movies about eating disorders, joining an eating disorder community on social media, watching eating disorder vlogs on youtube, any number of things. (personally, the only two of those that don't affect me are meanspo and sweetspo)

one example i think about a lot when i think about triggering myself at points is this: there was an ateez video in which san mentions wooyoung's weight loss and states how much he lost in how much time.

i saw atiny talking about it on twitter, warning people who could be triggered by it that it was in the video at this specific minute mark, before i saw the video.

so what did i do the moment i heard about this probably very triggering content from someone i love and adore? i played the video and skipped to that minute mark. just to watch that one part.

and hell yeah it was triggering. i think i fasted for a week after i watched that clip over and over and over and over and over and so on.

and that's no fault of san or wooyoung or atiny or anybody, it's my own fault. it was me INTENTIONALLY triggering myself.

edit lol cause i forgot something: sometimes just looking at idols can be my own personal self-triggering method. as fucked up as that is bc of the pressures and diets they get forced into. but it's involuntary. and usually, it isn't that they're so skinny, it's that i'm so.....not. and how they would think of me. (even though the people i stan would not think this way of me, it's just what my disordered thoughts tell me) i look at an idol i love, younghoon for example, and immediately what runs through my mind is how fucking disgusting i am and how he would probably hate me and be just as disgusted with me as i am with myself. even though that is ENTIRELY inaccurate and ridiculous. but those are the involuntary thoughts i have. then i get really sad because for around an hour or two i can't look at my own bias without wanting to cry and it's my own fault.

now, abt continuous or not, I'd say it's not? but it also absolutely is.

there are periods where i eat totally normally, or at least half decently. i don't feel guilty about it either. but in my head, all I'm thinking is... "you're such a faker, if you can eat normally like this then you don't have an eating disorder. stop trying to be a little attention seeker."

but one thing that kind of brings me back to knowing im not faking it is that, fact is: if i was pretending to have an eating disorder, i could stop. i could delete my calorie tracker, i could stop weighing myself every day, i could eat food and never even think about calories, i could delete my fasting tracking apps. but i cant. doing any of that sounds like my worst fucking nightmare.

[fuckedupfairyy-blog]

So yeah, here goes.

So here’s my story, as pathetic as it may be. This is my story.

I had a great childhood, my parents split when I was 10. I blamed myself, only now I’m older I’ve realized it’s not my fault and it was for the best. I was bullied throughout primary school, called a fatty, pushed down, followed and called names. He terrorized me. Then secondary school nothing changed, it just got worse. There were more bullies, they treated me worse. I would walk into class and the boys would laugh and shout “thunder thighs” and say my name in a stupid voices, throwing things.. It was basically hell. So I started looking for attention and compliments elsewhere.

When I was in year 8, aged 13 I signed myself up for adult dating sites. I got loads of compliments and it made me feel amazing. Then being the stupid nieeve girl I was I starting chatting to a guy from Bodmin and arranged to meet him for Pizza and TV. He picked me up from school and my whole life changed from there.

He was a police officer and took serious advantage of me. I still blame myself, because if I wasnt so stupid to get into the car he wouldn’t of been able to rape me or keep me hostage.

From then on I started self harming, every night. I couldn’t get to sleep without making myself bleed. It became a addiction, I then started to become obsessed over my weight. Hating every part of me, crying in front of the mirror because of the constant bullies and flashbacks. I was big, size 22. I was on Tumblr on my desktop in my room everyday, looking at depressing quotes and talking to other people in chat rooms with depression aswell. Then I stumbled across Thinspiration. It ruined me, constantly obsessing over the fact I was fat. So I stole 2 a4 text books from school and sat in the library and printed out hundreds of thinspo pics and motivational quotes. Not so positive, more like.. “Everytime you binge you’re another week away from your goal weight” and a picture of a fat girl and a picture of a anorexic girl saying “cake or water? your choice.” It became my life, calorie counting, not eating for days, challenging myself on how much exercise I can do in a day without collapsing. Basically destroying my body. But I didn’t care, because within a month I had lost 30lbs and I wasnt complaining. In fact I was so happy with myself that i couldn’t stop, from a simple diet I was obsessed. I couldn’t stop thinking about calories, goal weights and everything in between. I would spend lessons writing out meal plans and drawing tiny girls and my free time telling my abusive ex boyfriend about what I had and hadn’t ate. Then I’d stay up all night self harming and planning out the next day.

The worst part was the hallucinations, I would see ‘The Black Man’ I used to call him. A dark male figure with no face sat on my desk in the corner or the bed looking in my direction. I would try and scream and shout but nothing would come out so I ended up sitting there having a panic attack until my mum came in and he would disappear. This happened for 2 years every night, I would wake up with sleep paralysis nearly every night seeing the same man in the corner screaming not being able to move for about 20 minutes before the scream left my body and my mum came rushing in. It was hell.

I was working with CAMHS who are a children mental health service and they diagnosed me with PTSD, depression, anxiety, EDNOS, body dismorphia and borderline psychosis.

My ex boyfriend was controlling and manipulative. He would also encourage my weight loss, which I guess in a way is totally fair because I was obese. He would stop me hanging out with my friends because he wanted me to himself and kept feeding me drugs so I wouldn’t go anywhere. When I was in year 10 I was doing my photography exam and hadn’t eaten in nearly 9 days. My body basically had a meltdown and I was phsycially sick until I ate something. But as you can imagine after 9 days of just water there wasn’t much to come up so it was a painful and horrifying experience..

After that I didn’t want to stop, after loosing 14lbs in 9 days I was so happy that i carried on making meal plans and exercising all night.

I then got into pills and acid, acid didn’t effect me until the summer where i did the bad acid and after that my mood changed. I would do pills for 2/3 days in a tent with my ex and not sleep then go back to my mums and all hell would break loose. She would say something I didn’t like and i would switch, turn into the most nasty disgusting girl and daughter you can imagine. Screaming in my mums face, punching holes in the walls, kicking holes in the doors, smashing everything in my way until she called the police, i would be detained and then the same would happen the next day. It got so bad that the police told my mum to just call the mental health ward if I kicked off again and I would be sectioned. I ran away from home and lived in a broken car in a car park in Veryan for 2 weeks. To be honest it was great, apart from when I was up by the club in Veryan and saw this women and man. It was a dark night and there was a elderly women stood in the middle of the road. I walked over to her and asked if she was okay she didn’t respond. She was stood there bending down petting her dog then standing up again. But as if it was a video on loop. The dog was running up to me, jumping up at me. It was only a little white Jack Russell. Then i turned around to ask Ash what was going on and he was freaking out. Because he couldn’t see her. Now, i realise it was a hallucination but it still scared the fuck out of me. I could feel the dogs wet paws, see the lady and her blue coat. I turned and there was a man in a trench coat stood on the pavement moving his figure to ask to come over. So I did, and when I did. He disappeared and as I turned so did she. I was convinced it was a ghost but he couldn’t see or hear anything.

Now too this day if I walk down a dark road or anything similar alone i will see the dog running up and down the road.

My other hallucination is also one that has stuck with me throughout my life, The Monkey Man.

He’s a normal, medium sized man around 6ft 3 but he’s got a mask of a monkey stuck to his face and he follows me everywhere i walk alone in the dark. He will be walking just behind my left side and when i turn around and look at him he melts into the ground but when i look forward and then back again he does the same. So I just keep looking out the cornor of my eye to make sure he’s still there and to he honest now it feels like hes protecting me in some sort of way. He’s got my other voice, he’s my opposite but also just like me because he gives me advice on what I’m thinking. Don’t think im crazy, i haven’t seen him in around a year but to be honest, if I was walking alone I would see him and the dog again.

Things now are different, im hardly alone so have not much time to think properly so when i do think it effects the people around me which sucks. I’m a lot better now then I was, I dont get sleep paralysis, i don’t have a weight loss book, I’m eating more then 500 calories a day (which used to be my absolute max), i’ve got a good boyfriend and I dont have to walk places in the dark on my own anymore so I dont notice the hallucinations.

But im still not 100% because little things trigger me, like any mention about my weight at all or me eating anything triggers me and makes me want to fast and exercise. I am pretty sensitive at the moment and I shouldn’t be, but im working on it. I want to be the strong and powerful girl who is independent and gets shit done the first and right way! I will be the strong and powerful girl! I want to have kids one day and be the best mum in whole world, give them everything they need plus more love and care then any kid has ever had. But I also want to be the best wife in the world, I’m going to tone my body up and get fit, learn how to cook the best food ever, be the best and cleaning and be smart funny and good in the bedroom. So you cant say im not getting anywhere because the first step is acceptance which ive done and the next step is to create goals and ive done that. All i need to do now is put those goals into place and i will be flying. Ive got a amazing boyfriend who keeps me on track and makes me feel a little more beautiful every day so as long as we stick together I don't think I'll have any problems. Fuck my past, I am who i am.

Thanks for listening……

[awkward-whiteboy]

1-200

200 Questions to Ask Me!

200: My crush’s name is:  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) 199: I was born in: Michigan198: I am really: Depressed, bored, hungry, lonely197: My cellphone company is: Verizon196: My eye color is: Brown/ugly195: My shoe size is: 11194: My ring size is:8.5193: My height is: 6″3192: I am allergic to: Medicine, tree dust191: My 1st car was: The piece of shitmobile190: My 1st job was: Illegal  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) 189: Last book you read: How to Think About Weird Things Critical Thinking for a New Age. (Yes it’s a college textbook, but if you love debating with people on the internet [ though this is pointless] this book is a must read).188: My bed is: a college loft that I fear is going to fall any second. 187: My pet: Pet no, mascot my HARAMBE FLAG! 186: My best friend: @rinkatai @aesthetichalestorm @bookerdewiit 185: My favorite shampoo is: Whatever I have in the shower when I’m showering184: Xbox or ps3: either, but Mario Kart trumps them all183: Piggy banks are: cool if they aren’t the break ones182: In my pockets: wallet, room keys, a “Thanks asshole” note someone graciously wrote me 181: On my calendar: Peoples birthdays, and predictions for stupids shit. (5 for 6 on them being right)180: Marriage is: dumb, combining debt together over a stupid ceremony. Why not just say fuck it and save the money for a sweet house and lots of animals179: Spongebob can: keep coming out. I love that show. If given the time, I could probably quote almost all the episodes178: My mom: is my mom177: The last three songs I bought were? People buy songs? I can name albums: Reaching into infinity, Begining of the End, One More Light176: Last YouTube video watched: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jsx0d3p4SMQ

175: How many cousins do you have? That I talk to, 3,4. total like 22+

174: Do you have any siblings? Youngest of 5

173: Are your parents divorced? No

172: Are you taller than your mom? Yes

171: Do you play an instrument? Guitar and Trombone

170: What did you do yesterday? Stayed up til 5 am playing Garrys Mod

[ I Believe In ]

169: Love at first sight: Sort of, doesnt work out though

168: Luck: Luck is an undeclared claim.

167: Fate: Nope

166: Yourself: Never. I always fail

165: Aliens: Hard to say, 

164: Heaven: No

163: Hell: I am a living hell

162: God: not a god, but a something

161: Horoscopes: Nope

160: Soul mates: Yes

159: Ghosts: No

158: Gay Marriage: Marriage is Marriage, IMO calling it Gay marriage is trying to make it different than regular marriage.

157: War: Yes

156: Orbs: YEs

155: Magic: No

[ This or That ]

154: Hugs or Kisses: Hugs

153: Drunk or High: Both.  ( ͡°( ͡° ͜ʖ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)ʖ ͡°) ͡°)

152: Phone or Online: Phone

151: Red heads or Black haired: Red Heads, but thats just from my experience

150: Blondes or Brunettes: Brunettes

149: Hot or cold: Mild

148: Summer or winter: Winter

147: Autumn or Spring: Spring

146: Chocolate or vanilla: Vanilla

145: Night or Day: Night

144: Oranges or Apples: Apple

143: Curly or Straight hair: Curly

142: McDonalds or Burger King: BK

141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: White Chocolate

140: Mac or PC: PC

139: Flip flops or high heals: Flippers

138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: Sweet and Poor

137: Coke or Pepsi: Don’t care, just gots to be diet

136: Hillary or Obama: Norm is my OTP  ( ͡°( ͡° ͜ʖ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)ʖ ͡°) ͡°)

135: Burried or cremated: Cremated, that way I’ll still be around people when im dead because no one would come willing if I was buried

134: Singing or Dancing: My singing is 1 of a kind

133: Coach or Chanel: Chanel because meme

132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: Kat McPhee, only because I don’t know any of them and Hick is a bad name with my life.

131: Small town or Big city: Both

130: Wal-Mart or Target: Target

129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: Ben Stiller

128: Manicure or Pedicure: Pedi

127: East Coast or West Coast: Weast Coast  ( ͡°( ͡° ͜ʖ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)ʖ ͡°) ͡°)

126: Your Birthday or Christmas: Birthday, people notice me :)

125: Chocolate or Flowers: Flowers

124: Disney or Six Flags: Datknee… Disney

123: Yankees or Red Sox: Neither

[ Here’s What I Think About ]

122: War: Pointless, but happens, Realistically, will never end.

121: George Bush: All politics have goods and bads, we’ve had better, but we also had far worse.

120: Gay Marriage: Always said

119: The presidential election: Popular vote and the current way are both fraud by the way America is. A completely new system is needed.

118: Abortion: Not a women so my opinion is not valid or needed. Honestly I hate kids. so Pro

117: MySpace: Last i checked (like a year ago,) its pretty much a Soundcloud.

116: Reality TV: Stupid

115: Parents: Do what they do. Different generation so their ways of parenting are theirs.

114: Back stabbers: Too many in my life… DAMN… MAYBE THIS IS WHY I AM FUCKED UP.

113: Ebay: I spend too much money on it

112: Facebook: Fuck the Zuck

111: Work: Never had a legal job

110: My Neighbors: Can go shove a knife up their asses 

109: Gas Prices: Better than the past

108: Designer Clothes: I’m making a separate post about this.. I might be in a bit of trouble with my college over this.

107: College: I don’t fit in anywhere. only friends I have I went to High school with. 

106: Sports: Really wish I played football in High school. I know I wouldn’t play at my school, but a smaller one I would.

105: My family: Family is family

104: The future: WIll not be brighter. 

[ Last time I ]

103: Hugged someone: Too long ago

102: Last time you ate: yesterday (2:00pm 12/13/2017)

101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: Emotional abuser has a drug dealer that lives in my colleges town. Saw her :/ cried for hours.

100: Cried in front of someone: Summer 2017

99: Went to a movie theater: whenever IT came out. Got in trouble with my colelge cause of roommates

98: Took a vacation: too long ago

97: Swam in a pool: summer 2017

96: Changed a diaper: never

95: Got my nails done: never

94: Went to a wedding: Spring 2017

93: Broke a bone: with a doctor knowing never, but like 6 years ago

92: Got a piercing: None

91: Broke the law:  ( ͡°( ͡° ͜ʖ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)ʖ ͡°) ͡°)

90: Texted: I stubbed my nose on the elevator

[ MISC ]

89: Who makes you laugh the most: Doc

88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: Nothing

87: The last movie I saw: Cure For Wellness

86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: Going home so I wont be alone with my depressing thoughts and questionable music

85: The thing im not looking forward to: going to the meeting

84: People call me: Davie Crocket Davy Divad Garbage, fucker loser, pretty much every name in the book

83: The most difficult thing to do is: pretend to be normal

82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: Talked the cop out of it with my mindfucking bullshittery

81: My zodiac sign is: Scorpio

80: The first person i talked to today was:

@rinkatai

79: First time you had a crush: 9th Grade

78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: Rink

77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: Last week

76: Right now I am talking to: Myself 

75: What are you going to do when you grow up: Good question  ( ͡°( ͡° ͜ʖ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)ʖ ͡°) ͡°)  

74: I have/will get a job: No, I cant do interviews I alwasy fuck them up or never get called back

73: Tomorrow: hopefully do something better

72: Today: Watched 9 hours of netflixs

71: Next Summer: Too far to determain

70: Next Weekend: Too far to determain

69: I have these pets: None

68: The worst sound in the world: College kids screaming because finals when they are just being cliche

67: The person that makes me cry the most is: myself

66: People that make you happy: Happy? whats that

65: Last time I cried: Today

64: My friends are: Rin Doc 

63: My computer is: Fucked up because everything I own always gets fucked up

62: My School: College sucks, High School : IN A LOT OF HOT WATER

61: My Car: is a piece of shit

60: I lose all respect for people who: treat me bad… damn thats like 95% of the people I see

59: The movie I cried at was: The Producer

58: Your hair color is: Ugly Brown

57: TV shows you watch: The OFfice

56: Favorite web site: Higher or Lower Youtube

55: Your dream vacation: Somewhere with the right person

54: The worst pain I was ever in was: The emotion and things I live with everyday.

53: How do you like your steak cooked: However it is cooked

52: My room is: MY STUFF IS CLEAN roommate 1 is not

51: My favorite celebrity is: Too many to name

50: Where would you like to be: A better state of mind

49: Do you want children: NO

48: Ever been in love: Sadly

47: Who’s your best friend: Rin Doc

46: More guy friends or girl friends: Girl Friends

45: One thing that makes you feel great is: Dark humor

44: One person that you wish you could see right now: :’(

43: Do you have a 5 year plan: I only plan 5 minutes in advance

42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: No, honestly asking 10th grade me, i only planned up till graduation

41: Have you pre-named your children: NO KIDS

40: Last person I got mad at:  ( ͡°( ͡° ͜ʖ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)ʖ ͡°) ͡°)

39: I would like to move to: Sanity land

38: I wish I was a professional: Musician

[ My Favorites ]

37: Candy: Sour Skittles or Mega Sours

36: Vehicle: Piece of Shit Mobile

35: President: Suliman with the Onion hat

34: State visited: Iowa. 

33: Cellphone provider: Verizon

32: Athlete: Cardale Jones

31: Actor: Bill Mother Fucking Murry

30: Actress: Emma Watson

29: Singer: Davey Jones, Davey Havok, Chester, and many more

28: Band: Too many, but I will say I’ve personally met one of them

27: Clothing store: cheap ones

26: Grocery store: cheap ones

25: TV show: Office, Simpsons South Park TWD

24: Movie: Cure For Wellness Clockwork Orange, Cant remember the name, but the original hunger games… the japanese one

23: Website: youtube

22: Animal: panda pugs

21: Theme park: cedar point

20: Holiday: leif erikson day

19: Sport to watch: hockey

18: Sport to play: football

17: Magazine:  ( ͡°( ͡° ͜ʖ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)ʖ ͡°) ͡°)

16: Book: Too many

15: Day of the week: Monday. Because I play a game of what sucks more… I win a lot

14: Beach: na

13: Concert attended: Alice Cooper 3x, Deep Purple, Stone Sour, Skillet, Motley Crue 2x, FFDP, Wayland, Valraven, Alterbridge, Iron Maiden, going to see Judas Priest with someone in April

12: Thing to cook: Pasta and muffins

11: Food: ^

10: Restaurant: places with spicy chicken nuggets rice pudding and chicken noodle soup

9: Radio station: 101 WRIF Q106

8: Yankee candle scent: N/A

7: Perfume: N/A

6: Flower: Idk Roses or Marigolds

5: Color: Black orange green

4: Talk show host:  ( ͡°( ͡° ͜ʖ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)ʖ ͡°) ͡°)

3: Comedian: A lot

2: Dog breed: PUG

1: did you answer all these truthfully? Like 4 are not :/

[in-paradox-space]

So I’ve been away for a week at my dads place

I didn’t take any codeine with me because I want to stop

mainly to reduce tolerance and preserve what I have for a trip to the US

im worried about getting it through customs as I’m prescribed it online instead of from my actual doctor, so it doesnt come with my name on it 

I thought about smuggling the small pills into a box of rainbow nerds but if I do get caught with that there’d probably be pretty big consequences

i suppose I’ll just keep it with my other medicine and see what happens. If I can’t take it with me then so be it 

well anyway

I’ve had a bad cold for almost a week, plus physical withdrawal 

but codeine withdrawal isn’t too harsh. It’s just a cold and some sad nights really.

I started to feel better 2 days ago

I came back home today

now my head is clear I can see how filthy my flat really is

it’s awful

the food, everywhere

just lay out to rot and grow mould

theres a loaf of bread in my kitchen which is literally all blue

there’s just some spots of brown left

its been there one or two months

I’m getting tired of doing drugs

I honestly am

I’m wanting to just stop a little more each day

every drug

but yeah

I started feeling liver pains last night and moreso today

it could be many things but I think abusing so much codeine the past month plauys a role

I’ve been taking over 450mg at a time half the time

over 300mg is said to be harmful but i thought fuck it, its only codeine

i have a slightly weakend liver from some shit before

ive drank a few times on codeine

im on meds which are heavy on the liver

my body also has been through a lot

it might not be the codeine but idk

ill tell my doctor and I’ll just be honest with them, let them know ive been using this much so they can decide

worst case scenario, my meds are causing this

that means i have to stop my meds and find a new medicine to use AGAIN

I have a rare condition which requires certain medicines, long story

hng

well now im back I took some codeine again

like seven 30mg pills 

im going back to my dads in a few days, again I’ll leave the  codeine here

I felt great after the physical withdrawal/cold was over

codeine withdrawal is quite, how do you say, forgiving, for an opiate

but yeah

just all the drugs

mdma, codeine, vitamins that I’ve researched online which supposedly increase the production of good brain chemicals such as dopa, serotonin, drinking on weeknights, eating really unhealthily because im too lazy to cook and/or clean my kitchen in order to cook

ups, downs, ups, downs, ups, downs, ups, downs

constantly running away from the problem

away

not towards the solution

away

creating more problems

I started to feel motivated again just days after stopping.

I felt human

the sun came up in the morning and stayed throughout the day

I looked at it and felt so happy 

a surge of happiness which didnt fade quickly

i looked into the sun and praised kek :) 

and I believe in kek

I do

I am deluded in terms of the physical world

but I see the signs and I know that kek is real

and I’m so grateful 

I am really thankful

thank you so much 

but yeah

if I stop doing drugs

I start eating healthier

i dont rush and burn out my energy in one go but i just take it slow

do things in little bits

I think I can get somewhere in life

rome wasnt built in a day and im starting to accept that

im accepting that, although its possible, im not sacrificing all the happiness of my young years to feel like a success in the future

i can succeed without being a tycoon

I can choose to be happy in the present, have a stable future and not feel the pressure of trying to achieve superhuman feats

if youre reading this and youre not me, you might not really know where im coming from

these are things everyone can relate to but theres personal stuff involved and this is my journal for me to reflect on in futures

so i just give enough context for me

 but yeah

didnt do codeine for a week

started to feel happy naturally

like real happiness which came from a proper place

not just endorphin replicating drugs

i had motivation again

it wasnt a shortlived, energy burst

just mild motivation

of course everything isnt perfect

a lot of things are not okay

i do get down

there has, is and will be hardships in my life and the lives of peoploe around me

but there are also happy moments

I felt a genuine balance again

my dads place has a long list of downsides

his girlfriend mainly

the posh, small village in the middle of nowhere

its so quiet. the sound of my phone vibrating on keypress seemed to be heard in other rooms

it was so quiet

and i couldnt get up before 9am because of his girlfriend

again, i know the context and I dont feel like tpying it all out

i was staying awake from 3am onwards until she went to work, then i could be up until she came back at 4:30

then its awkward around her

but kek has a presence there

there was sun 

a lot of sun its nice

 i dont feel unsafe in the streets there

the diet was healthy

i had happiness there

a real structure to my life

its clean

being in this flat

its so unclean

i realize thats a main reason i take drugs

long story but i cant take the trash out of my flat

my wheelie bin got stolen its a whole thing and the people on my street dont like me 

there is ALWAYS people outside, in the alleys

 i cant use someone elses bin because everyone here knows

so the trash stays here

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

and i guess im running away from that problem

instead of towards a solution

im going back to my dads in a few days

away from that

but  towards improving my health

ALSO

im seeing yung lean tomorrrow which is coo