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lu-undy · 4 years ago

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Valentine’s Day 3 - Autobalance

Here it is on AO3 or under the cut, if you prefer!

"You got all your stuff Spy? Taxi's on his way." Engineer asked as he knocked on the door with the knife symbol.

"Oui, I am coming." The voice with the French accent answered.

Inside the suite, Spy wasn't alone. He sighed as he picked up his suitcase and his mask before looking up at Sniper.

"Spook…? You sure you can't stay?"

"I do not think I can. The Administrator's orders were very clear, you received the same letter as I did. I am to be transferred to the enemy team and you will receive their Spy in exchange."

"Yeah… But why does it have to be like that?" Sniper asked, fumbling with his hat between his fingers. He had meant it as a rhetorical question, to express his distress more than anything else. But Spy answered anyway.

"Because we keep winning against them with baffling ease. It was high time that something was done about that."

"Couldn't she swap other people? You're not alone in this team!"

Spy took the step that separated him from his lover and put his suitcase down. He splayed a hand on Sniper's chest. Like a reflex, his glove travelled up to Sniper's collar and adjusted it. Ah, Sniper didn't know how to dress up. But that was not why the Frenchman had fallen for him. Non, it was rather for his way of undressing the Frenchman, figuratively and concretely.

Sniper had an innocence, a naivety almost, that touched Spy more deeply than anything else. He had learnt to ignore the scruffy looks, the almost feral manners and instead, found himself falling for them all. Those features were nothing but a wall hiding a kind of honesty and sensitivity too powerful to be understood by the common mortal. Spy had learnt to see through the campervan, the atrocious mullet, the equally hideous sideburns and the messy stubble on the skin tanned by years under the scorching sun of Australia. He had fallen for them all.

"Mundy." Spy said and Sniper, who had his head lowered, closed his eyes and frowned. "Look at me, please."

"Can't. It hurts."

"Please…?" Spy put his gloved hand under Sniper's chin and pulled it up until their eyes met.

"Mh…" Sniper protested.

"We will continue to see each other at work. This is not a goodbye." Spy said, trying to comfort him.

"Yeah, when you stab me in the back." Sniper sighed.

"I will not spare you, mon amour, you know how much I like to scratch that back of yours." Spy wiggled his eyebrows and Sniper eventually managed to smile.

"C'mere…" The Aussie wrapped his arms around him and pulled him in a tight hug as he buried his head in Spy's shoulder. "I'll miss you, luv'." He inhaled the expensive perfume and the menthol cigarette, the distinctive scent of the man he loved.

"I will miss you too." Of course Spy returned the dear embrace and they remained stuck to each other for a long while. Chest against chest, their breathing synced as their fingers clawed harder on each other.

"Yo, Spy! Your taxi's comin'!" Scout shouted from the door.

"Get lost!" Sniper shouted from the inside.

"You are interrupting a moment, Scout." Spy added.

"What kind of moment? C'mon, you gotta hurry, man!"

Spy looked at Sniper and answered:

"The kind of moment you dream of having with Miss Pauling."

Sniper chuckled.

"Oh guys! Jeez! Disgustin'...!" Scout's voice seemed to be deafened more as he walked away from the door.

Spy and Sniper chuckled.

"Right, let me carry this for you." Sniper took the suitcase off of Spy's hand.

"Thank you, that is very kind of you."

They headed for the door.

"Well, gotta help the elderly, eh?"

"Mundy!" Spy nudged him with his elbow.

The Aussie chuckled and put his hand on the door knob.

"Wait." He turned to Spy. "Lu'...?"

"Oui?" Lucien answered with a sweet smile. He was about to put on his mask.

"Can I uh… Can I kiss you, just one last time?"

Lucien shook his head, his grin growing wider.

"May I kiss you." He corrected. "And please, I am all yours."

Mundy let go of the door handle and laced his arm around Lucien's waist, pulling him closer as he pushed his lips against him. Lucien wrapped his arms up around Mundy's neck and pushed himself to the tip of his toes, in his varnished Italian shoes.

"Gosh, I'll miss your lips." Mundy stayed with his forehead against Lucien. His hand travelled up to his hair. He stroked it gently.

"Only my lips?" Lucien tapped the tip of Mundy's nose with his gloved finger before putting on his mask and passing in front of him to open the door.

"Nah, definitely not only yer lips…"

"Mundy-!" Lucien got startled when he felt from behind Mundy's powerful fingers grabbing him where he was quite sensitive.

"C'mon, luv', let's go."

They exited the suite. Spy said goodbye to his team as the taxi arrived. The enemy Spy exited it and entered the base. He shook hands with his new teammates.

"Spy?"

"Spy."

Both spies shook hands too.

"Sniper, do you mind holding on to my suitcase, I will give the new Spy a tour of his suite." Lucien asked.

"Sure. Don't be too long though, the taxi driver's waitin'."

"But of course."

Both spies went to the door with the knife symbol and entered. It lasted a few minutes and soon, Lucien exited again. Mundy nodded to the front door and the Frenchman nodded. They exited the base and soon found themselves at the taxi's car.

"Hey, promise you'll go easy on my back?"

"Only if you spare my head, and my suits."

"Your suits?" Mundy asked, not understanding.

"Your Jarate, Sniper."

"Ah, yeah… Well, depends."

"On what, may I ask?"

"If you behave." Mundy answered with a wink and Lucien blushed beyond his ears.

"Stop it."

"Make me." Mundy growled low enough that the taxi driver wouldn't hear and Lucien chuckled.

"I will see you tomorrow, as usual." The Frenchman said.

"Yeah. Oh, hold on…" Mundy opened the car door for him.

"Oh… Merci." He slipped in the car on the backseat and fastened his seatbelt.

Mundy tapped the window and Lucien lowered it.

"Uh, I hope I'll say it right, but uh… je t'aime."

[I love you.]

The pronunciation was tainted with a heavy English accent, the syllables were butchered and the sounds slaughtered. Lucien chuckled at how distorted it sounded from his Sniper's voice.

"Merci."

[Thank you.]

The driver started the engine and Mundy was left alone in front of the base, in the middle of the orange desert split by a grey line of asphalt. The car looked smaller and smaller as the taxi driver flew like the wind. Eventually, it completely disappeared and Mundy sighed, his shoulders sinking sadly.

He went back straight to his van and spent the rest of his day off there, like a fox in his den. Time passed slowly, terribly so. It was torture to go through the day without his lover and Mundy found himself imagining what Lucien was doing in the enemy base, wherever it was. Did he start by unpacking his suits? Or did he just collapse on his bed and get sucked in the same daydream as Mundy was?

Perhaps, he had decided to start by taking a shower, to clear his head, then unpack before organising his new home, getting to know it. Of course, Lucien would do all these things with a cigarette between his lips, carding his salt and pepper hair elegantly from time to time. Ah, his grey front lock would always fall on his forehead and between his eyes. He used to always complain about it, saying that he would cut it shorter. But Mundy would answer that his hair was perfect as it was, and he shouldn't cut it.

Once, he even jokingly suggested that Lucien should tie it away in a ridiculous, very short ponytail at the front. And the Frenchman answered that he seriously was considering it. Of course it was nothing else but a joke, yet Mundy had taken his words and found a little rubber band. He took it to the Frenchman's suite and it had ended up in a game of cat and mouse where Mundy was chasing his lover to tie his hair. When he finally did catch him, he tied the grey front lock of hair and Lucien looked absolutely ridiculous. That day, he had even kept it for the entire evening and only removed it when he went to bed with Mundy.

Ah, the nights would be lonely now. No Lucien to lie his head on Mundy's shoulder, no Lucien to stick his ice cold feet on Mundy's calves, just to bully him. And of course, no Lucien to warm Mundy's night and leave him panting and sweating…

Mundy sighed. Such a shame that it had to end. Well, not exactly. They would still see each other at work. Although now, the dynamics between them completely flipped. They didn't work together but against each other. And it was no problem for both of them. Their professionalism and their age meant that they did not mix their work with what they held in their hearts.

Still, it would take some time to adjust to the new feeling of sleeping alone. Ha, the irony… Him who had slept alone all his life, with only the view of the star sprinkled sky as a companion, Mundy was now lacking company. He almost came to wonder how he used to live before Lucien brightened his days and nights. The van seemed lifeless, as if something vital was missing.

"Yo, Snipes, dinner's ready!" Scout banged at the door with his legendary delicateness.

"Right, comin'."

Mundy put on his hat and glasses before exiting the van. He went to the kitchen and sat at the table, at his usual place. Opposite him was an empty seat. It used to be Lucien's.

"Alright, fellows, here comes the soup for tonight." Engie announced as he put the - almost larger than him - pot on the table.

"Oh, man! Soup again?" Scout complained. "Please tell me there are no veggies in it at least?"

"Sorry, pardner, but it's winter and there's no soup on Earth without any veggies. C'mon, gimme your plate…!"

Scout pulled his plate towards himself.

"Scout…?" Engie insisted.

"Nah it's fine, I'll eat somethin' else."

"Chocolate bars and soda ain't a diet, son. C'mon now…!"

"Listen, Private!" Soldier banged his fist on the table and all the plates and cutlery shook. "You will eat your rations or by God I will make you eat the empty plate!" Soldier tried to pry the plate off of Scout's hands.

"What?! No! Get away!"

Sniper sighed. That would definitely be when Lucien would say something witty to calm Scout and make him obey...

"Gentlemen."

All the mercenaries raised their heads.

"I do apologise for being late. Unpacking proved to be longer than what I had anticipated at first." The new Spy took a seat on the last free chair, opposite Sniper.

Spy's entrance was enough of a distraction for Engie to take Scout's plate and serve him. The other plates were passed on, one after the other until all the mercenaries were served and started eating.

The indistinguishable chatter rose in the room between Demo's hearty laughter, Heavy's stories in cold Siberia and Soldier's war tales.

Sniper was staring emptily at his plate. The bits of vegetables floated lifelessly, half-drowning in the soup. He pushed them sometimes to the left, sometimes to the right. Like little shipwrecks, they bobbed up and down at the surface of the undisturbed ocean that the soup was.

Obviously, his colleagues noticed but they knew of his relationship with Spy so they guessed why he felt distraught. Given how much the Aussie liked his privacy, they didn't bother him and eventually, he was left alone at the table. Heavy had been on dishes duty that night and he did not disturb his colleague either. After he was finished, he left the room and closed the door.

But soon, Sniper heard it open again. It did not register completely as he was too absorbed in a day dream.

"Yo, Snipes?"

Scout's voice startled Sniper back to reality.

"Huh?"

"Sorry pal, Spy's askin' for ya."

Sniper frowned. No, his Spy wasn't asking for him. It was the other one.

"What does he want?" He mumbled back.

"Don't know. He said he needed some help with something and he knew you could do it."

Sniper sighed and grumbled. He pushed his chair back and pushed himself on his feet heavily.

"Right, I'll see what I can do for him…" He dragged his feet out of the kitchen and in the corridor.

"Snipes, your soup?" He heard Scout ask but he ignored him as he now faced the door with the knife symbol, and gave a short knock.

"Come in, Sniper."

The Aussie frowned and pushed the door. He found Spy sitting on the armchair that used to be Lucien's. He was giving his back to Sniper.

"You need some help with something, Scout said."

"Oui, pray close the door."

Sniper obeyed and gulped down hard. The last time his Spy asked him to make sure the door was locked was before they - ugh… It mattered little now.

"So, what d'you need? If it's to move somethin' big, you can ask Heavy, he'll get it sorted faster than me."

"Non, it is for something different. Please, take a seat."

"Spy, look, I'm not the small talk kind of guy, ok?" Sniper refused to sit and stood not too far from the door.

"Oh, I know."

"Yeah, you do, you spend your time stabbing me in the back without sayin' a word." Sniper answered, irritated that his new colleague would make him waste his time. He would much prefer to lock himself up in his van and stay there.

"I don't believe I have ever stabbed you."

Sniper's eyebrows jumped and he fluttered his eyes under the audacity of what the snake of a man was saying.

"What?" Confused beyond what words could express, Sniper took a deep breath. "Look, y'know what, I'm not gonna answer. I'm gonna just do whatever you need and leave. Now, out with it."

"Sniper…" Spy chuckled and Sniper felt his blood boil.

"Listen, either you tell me what you need or I'll just walk out of here, before I start throwing punches at you."

"You never raised your hand on anyone." Spy answered with such calm… Sniper hated it. "Even when Scout mocks you, or gets on your nerves, you ignore him."

Sniper raised an eyebrow.

"What…? Y-you've been watchin' us in this base…?"

"You never raised your hand or your voice against anyone." Spy went on. "You are way too soft for that."

"Stop it. Right. Bloody. Now." Sniper was now angry. The familiarity with which the new Spy spoke to him disgusted him. He sounded almost like Lucien but he wasn't him. No, that bastard wasn't him. He wasn't him and how the hell dared he speak like him.

"Or what? What will you do, hm? Run far away and shoot me in the head? Throw one of your precious jars at me? Pff, come on…!"

"I might start by rearrangin' your ugly mug, pop a few teeth with my fists, see how that goes, eh!" Sniper snapped, furious.

"You used to find my face very comely. Countless times you have told me so."

"Right, that's enough." Sniper took confident steps towards the Frenchman. He clenched his fist and threw it but Spy stood up and faced him, blocking his punch in his open palm. He twisted the Aussie's arm and brought him to his knees.

"Oh you wanker!"

"Only when you ask nicely."

"What?!"

Spy removed his mask and his hair gently floated in the air for an instant.

"What the hell?!"

Mundy felt his foe's grip loosen on his fist and his own knees went to jelly under the surprise.

"Bonsoir, mon amour." The voice with the lovely smirk said.

[Good evening, my love.]

"What are you doin' here?!"

Lucien was standing in front of Mundy, a sweet smile on his lips. He helped him back to his feet.

"Am I…? Am I dreamin' or something? Hold on…" Mundy removed his glasses and rubbed his eyes. "What the hell are you doing here? Why aren't you with the other team?!"

Lucien chuckled and took his lover's hands to guide him and sit together on the sofa.

"I never left this base!"

"What?"

"When I took the enemy Spy on a tour of this suite, I had a chat with him. Neither him or I wanted to swap teams. So we agreed to swap our clothes instead. I stay here and he goes back to his base."

"Holy… Why didn't you say anything earlier, during dinner or something?" Mundy stretched his arm and wrist which hurt.

"Because no one knows about this but you, me, and the enemy Spy. There are cameras in the kitchen, living-room and corridors. I couldn't try anything suspicious there. Here however, we are safe, as you know."

"Bloody hell…" Mundy shook his head. "But hold on, why did the enemy Spy accept?"

"I think he has an arrangement with one of his teammates."

"An arrangement?" Mundy repeated. "What? They're gonna open a lemonade stand on the weekends?" He chuckled.

"Non, he is in a relationship with his Sniper."

Mundy's chuckle stopped sharp and his eyebrows jumped.

"Seriously?"

"Oui."

"Crikey, I had no idea…!"

Lucien chuckled.

"Anythin' else like that that I don't know?" He asked.

"Oh, plenty of things. But they matter very little. What matters now is that I am still here, with you." Lucien cupped his lover's face with his gloved hands and stroked his cheeks. Mundy relaxed and smiled.

"So the bloke I escorted to the taxi and stuff wasn't you?"

"Non, it was him."

"Oh, right." Mundy stared at his lover with half-lidded eyes. "It really broke me inside when - oh, bugger!" He exclaimed in shock.

"What?" Lucien asked.

"Before the taxi drove off…!"

"What happened?"

"I told the enemy Spy I loved him! In French!" Mundy exclaimed with round eyes. "Bloody hell!" He smacked a hand on his own mouth and blushed beyond his ears.

Lucien burst out laughing.

"Well, I do hope that he didn't say that he loved you back!"

"Oh… Bugger… Now he's gonna bully me even more at work…" Mundy lowered his head.

"Non, mon amour…" Lucien hugged him and pulled Mundy's head to rest on his shoulder. "I won't let him bully you, I promise. Besides, I doubt that he will."

"Hope so."

"I am sure of it. He is a good man. A less good spy, but a good man." Lucien said. "Now, please, look at me." He cupped Mundy's half ashamed, half distraught face. "You need something to soothe your nerves, mon amour. And to fill your stomach. Come along." Lucien took his hand and led Mundy to the kitchen attached to his suite. "Let us cook something for you."

"Can we get pizza?"

"Non, Mundy. Why get pizza when I can cook for you?"

"Well…"

"Non! My cooking skills are godly, I will not tolerate that you should think otherwise!" Lucien said as he tied an apron around his waist and washed his hands. Mundy followed him left and right.

"I was gonna say it would save you the trouble, but ok…" Mundy chuckled.

"What trouble? There is no trouble! My lover is hungry. It is my duty to remedy that." Lucien went to his fridge.

"Fair enough. Can I still hug you though?"

"Oui, you may. But do not disturb me, understood?" Lucien emerged from the fridge and Mundy stuck himself to him, from behind.

"Can I at least breathe?!"

"I shall think about it and let you know." Lucien playfully answered as he grabbed a cutting board and a knife. Mundy rested his head on Lucien's shoulder, watching him cut vegetables and some meat. He liked it there, hugging his lover and spending time with him. Lucien would occasionally feed him a bit of carrot, or tomato.

"Mundy?"

"Yeah?"

"Could you say that to me?" Lucien asked and he interrupted his chopping.

"Say what?"

"That you love me, in French. You never did."

"Yeah, uh... Je t'aime, Lu'."

Lucien bit his lip and rolled his head back to lean it on Mundy's shoulder.

"Again…"

"Je t'aime."

He closed his eyes and smiled. Mundy hugged him tighter and left a kiss on his cheek.

"Mundy?"

"Yeah?"

"Your pronunciation is terrible."

"Oi!"

#tf2 sniper #tf2 spy #sniperspy #dontneedavalentine2021

43 notes · View notes

warlord-official · 8 years ago

Note

1-104?

Ey fuck you Anon, you want me to answer all of ‘em? Fine, but I’ll do it in CHARACTER YOU STANK BIIIITCH

1. You woke up naked next to the last person you texted, what would you say?

I know not what texting is but I did once wake up next to @berserker-official after we drank late into the night and spent the evening carving runes into our leader’s ship. He wasn’t too happy with us.

2. What’s going on between you and the last person you kissed?

Well last time I was at a feast I tried to hit up Mama @valkyrie-official but she wasn’t having much of my shit at the time.

3. If your boyfriend or girlfriend was into drugs, would you care?

BY THOR’S HAMMER WHAT SORCERY HAVE THE WEEBS CREATED NOW?! REMEMBER YOUNG VIKINGS GOOD MEAD IS ALL YOU NEED

4. Is your last name longer than six letters?

*Counts on his hands* W-a-r-l-o-r-d …yes

5. Was your last kiss drunk or sober?

Almost always drunk. But then again, I’M ALMOST ALWAYS DRUNK AHAHAHA

6. Have you ever wanted to have someone but you messed it up?

@official-peacekeeper and I almost had something beautiful but then I fell out of the boat I was trying to serenade her in. …she still laughs when she looks at me

7. What does your last received text say?

The last text I received was from my scout who told me THE FUCKING WEEBS ARE PUSHING BACK AGAIN TIME FOR A RALLY

8. How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed?

I honestly don’t remember. There was too much mead flowing through my veins.

9. Where was your last kiss at?

Probably an after-battle feast?

10. When is the last time you saw your sister?

@raider-official ARE YOU STILL SLEEPING OFF YOUR HANGOVER?! LEGENDARY!

11. What do you drink in the morning?

Mead.

12. Where did you sleep last night?

My boat.

13. Do you think relationships are hard?

No! Raising noble strong warriors is a noble goal!

14. If you could go back and change something in the past 5 months, would you?

Less falling on my face after my drunken victory song

15. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, any problems?

I still can’t recall the last person I kissed, but if I was drunkenly rude to any of them, maybe. They all are rather good at…well, stabbing.

16. Would you rather it be sunny or rainy?

A rainy day means I don’t have to wash my battle leathers!

17. Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you?

I don’t have a middle name! But all the warlords are some sort of distant cousin, I’m pretty sure

18. Are you wearing jeans,sweatpants,or pajama pants?

ONLY BATTLE LEATHERS, FOOL

19. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 years from now?

If I don’t join my brothers in Valhalla, sure! I’d love to raise a strong warrior!

20. Does anyone like you?

Plenty of people like me! What’s that s’posed to mean?!

21. Have you ever kissed someone with a name that starts with an S?

I once tried to mack on Siv and got an axe handle to the face, so no.

22. Is the last person you kissed gay?

No clue. Still can’t remember that night. How many times do I have to answer this question?

23. Is there a person you CANNOT stand?

Filthy damn weebs…

24. Have you ever considered getting a tattoo?

Think about that one closely, and look at my arms lad

25. In the past week have you cried?

Only tears of JOY when my comrades went to VALHALLA

26. What breed was the last dog you saw?

Gunmundr’s wolves. Nasty snapping things.

27. Do you dry off in the shower or out of the shower?

You can’t dry off inside a rain shower, you fool!

28. Have you ever kissed a football player?

What is this foot-ball?

29. Do you think you’re old?

Step carefully lad, lest I introduce you to the back of my hand.

30. Do you like text messaging?

Learning runes is hard

31. What type of day are you having?

One that is meant for battle, as are most days

32. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced?

I’d rather not have my nose pierced by an arrow, thank you very much

33. Do you prefer warm or cold weather?

Cold. It builds character

34. Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you?

All my female fighting compatriots mean a lot to me!

35. Would you prefer a relationship or a fling?

I do like flinging weebs off ledges… wait, I don’t understand the question.

36. Are you a simple or complicated person?

Keep it simple!

37. What song are you listening to?

Drumbeats of battle!

38. When you say you’re sorry do you mean it?

Sorry!Sorry!Sorry!

39. Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you?

I’m not sure if @valkyrie-official is actually listening when I drunkenly tell her all about myself…40. What made you start liking the person you like now?

Ferocity in battle!41. When did you last receive a text message?

When my messenger brought it to me! Why do you ask the same questions?42. What is wrong with you right now?

My sword needs sharpening43. How well do you know the last female you texted?

Very well! I sent @nobushi-official a message telling her if she was going to be a traitor, she should join us! I don’t know what the reply in her chicken scratch language means though…

44. Does anyone disgust you?

Mostly @orochi-official for running away all the time. 45. Would you date someone right now if they asked?

Battle first, then we can enjoy one another’s company!46. Are you in a good mood right now?

Yes! Daybreak means I can nurse this hangover with MORE MEAD!!!47. Who was the last person you talked to in person?

@berserker-official when I told the boy to bring me my flagon. Where did he run off to?48. What color shirt are you wearing?

Brown. It’s made of leather. It’s armor. What kind of question is that?49. Has someone recently told you something you didn’t want to hear?

I woke up to a message that the weebs have rallied, so yeah. It was terrible.50. Anyone you’re giving up on?

@orochi-official is a lost cause

51. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for?

Not at all! I respect her prowess in battle when she knocked me off that bridge!

52. Have you ever thought about giving up on someone but couldn’t?

@nobushi-official, it’s not too late to switch to the right side!53. Do you like rain?

YES YOU FOOL WE’VE BEEN OVER THIS54. Do you care if your boyfriend/girlfriend drinks?

Only if they care that I do!55. Have you ever liked somebody and never told them?

Once in my youth, yes. They are in Valhalla now.56. Do you like to cuddle?

Papa Warlord has a lot of warmth to spread around!57. Are you shy?

Bahahahaha no!58. Do you get along with girls?

Yes! They respect me and I respect them! Then I get drunk and they tell me to stuff it! It works fine.59. Have you dated the person you texted last?

No, my scout must prove himself in battle before he is allowed any personal time.60. What do you carry with you at all times?

My sword and shield!61. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you?

The spirits of the dead do not frighten me! I welcome the company of those I will join in Valhalla!62. Do you think you can last in a relationship for five months?

Yes. That’s how long I can be at war before coming home!63. Think back to October, were you in a relationship?

I seem to remember some sort of feast with women in masks…but then again most of the women I encounter are masked somehow!64. The person you like kisses you on the forehead, do you find this cute?

Cute does not become a Viking!

…but yes. Harumph.65. Did anything “cute” happen in the last week?

CUTE DOES NOT BECOME A VIKING

66. How old are the last three people you kissed?

I know not. They are grown men and women!

67. Would you rather pay to get your nails done or do them yourself?

A blade does a decent job trimming them, but they are great long for gouging out eyes! 68. Which do you like better- Zebra print or leopard print?

I have no clue what you are talking about. I only wear bear furs 69. Do you have any stickers on your car?

What is a car? I have mighty carvings on my boat! 70. Would you rather listen to Luke Bryan or Lil Wayne?

Who are these men? 71. Blackberry, Anroid, or iPhone?

What are these things? 72. When’s the last time you had pizza from Pizza Hut?

STOP MAKING UP WORDS 73. Do you like diet soda?

I SAID STOP 74. What color are the walls in your room?

My hut is the dark brown of the wood I fashioned it from 75. Are you 16 or older?

Yes, I am much older 76. Do you watch Pretty Little Liars?

Liars are rarely pretty, lad 77. Do you have a job?

My profession is leading the war parties to victory! 78. What are your initials?

W.O. 79. Did you ever have braces?

I have had to brace myself against walls during sieges! 80. Are you from the south?

Nay, lad. The North!

81. What does your last status on facebook say?

What sorcery is a book of faces?! 82. Do you still talk to the first person you ever kissed?

No, they have gone to Valhalla 83. Are you closer to your mom or your dad?

Mom used to whup me, but so did Dad. Both of them raised me to be a fine warrior, and I shall see them again in Valhalla 84. Have you ever done cheerleading or gymnastics?

I have led a cheer of victory! 85. What’s the last movie you saw in theaters?

What do those words mean? 86. Do you smoke?

Tobacco is not for me. Mead, on the other hand… 87. Would you rather wear heels or flip flops?

Your boots need a good heel, lest you fall in battle!88. Is your phone touch screen?

I told you to stop making up words!89. Do you normally wear your hair straight or curly?

Long traditional braids90. Have you ever snuck out of your house?

Yes, when I was a lad I wanted to join the battle early. My Father was not impressed, and my ears and rear were red after he was done teaching me a lesson91. Would you rather swim in a river, lake, or pool?

A river is best for swimming.92. Have you ever made out in a car?

I know not what you are speaking of.93. …Had sex in a car?

I attempted to woo the lady @official-peacekeeper in a boat but…well, I already answered that94. Are you single or in a relationship?

Single for now. The battlefield is my lady95. What were you doing last night at midnight?

Sleeping off all the mead I drank96. When’s the last time you saw fireworks?

During a raid on the weebs! They summoned reinforcements but we pushed through!97. Do you like the camera on your phone?

Ask me about this foolery again and I shall have to stomp down those foolish dreams of made-up things98. Have you ever had a friend with benefits?

Yes, there was a young lass who helped me become the man I am today99. Have you ever passed out from drinking?

…AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA100. Are you friends with people on facebook that you actually hate?

Mention this book again, and I shall tie you to my mast!101. Have you ever had a pregnancy scare?

Now you’re trying to insult me!102. Name your favorite Kesha song:

WHO IS THAT?!103. Do you have any tan lines right now?

No, the sun has not broken through the clouds in months104. Would you ever wear cowboy boots with shorts?

What ARE THESE THINGS

#anon #Warlord answers shit in character #I took some liberties with the answers

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existentialquasar · 7 years ago

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Random Quiz

Birthday

2nd July

Age

Astrological sign

Technically Gemini, I am traditionally seen as a cancer (wow, that phrasing). No idea why this is important and surely this could be figured out by reading the first answer

Middle name

Conway

Parents' names

Linda/Ross

Names of sibling(s), if any

Only child

Birth order

N/A

Name of their first pet, if any

I had fish and a stick insect but they didn’t really do much. I count a pet as an animal that interacts with you in some way, so my first ‘real’ pet was a rabbit and his name was Bramwell

The name of current pet(s), if any

None

Favorite movie

Movie’s’* one is hard to do

>Children of Men

>Amélie

>There Will Be Blood

Favorite TV show

Not gonna lie its probs GoT but South Park is up there and I religiously watched Friends in my teenage years

Favorite book

The Fall by Albert Camus, I still haven’t fully comprehended it but that is part of the fun, the bits I understand ring true for me and I find Camus’s absurdist approach to philosophy exhilarating

Favorite band

In terms of bands Blur and the Smiths are probably the top two but my top five favorite artists are; 1.Björk (the empress herself) 2.Tom Waits 3.Atmosphere 4.St. Vincent 5.FKA Twigs

Favorite food

Tuna pasta bake (particularly if its made by the mother :D)

Least favorite food

Tinned tomatoes, beetroot and most vegetables if they are on their own

Preferred pizza toppings

PINEAPPLE ALL DAY, yes I am one of those and if you’re not, then fuck you. I kid of course, dislike whatever you want, just keep your inferior tastes away from me (;D)

Favorite soda

Not really a fan of sodas to be honest, water will do or some kind of chocolate drink if I am feeling adventurous

Favorite alcoholic drink

Spirits mainly, Pimms with lemonade hits the spot. Won’t say no to a good ol’ cider once in a while

Their eye color

Blue

Where I grew up

Sandwell, no I am not from Birmingham for those who insist the black country and Brum are the same thing, you’re wrong, thx 4 askin tho

Cat person or a Dog person or both or neither

I gravitate towards cats but dogs do seem to love me though

Best friend

Bo 4eva

How I take my coffee

I shot espressos

Favorite season

Autumn Favorite sexual position

Wouldn’t you like to know... Probably not actually :( xD

Dream job

At this point probably a writer. During college and university I would have told you something to do with film, to quote a Twenty One Pilots lyric;

And since we know all dreams are dead/And life turns plans up on their head/I will plan to be a bum/So I just might become someone

The worst job I ever had

I got on with the people there but working as a waiter at mecca bingo was soul destroying, however I don’t regret it, precisely because the struggle was real and I see value in it, plus I have some fun memories of the people I worked with

Favorite sports team

West Bromwich Albion, honestly never get into football. You don’t have a favorite team, you have a passion that will crush you week in, week out despite the few moments of elation along the way. Honesty I don’t think I even enjoy football anymore, it feels more like a necessity and a very expensive one too!!!

Allergies are

Once I had a server allergy to Brazil nuts but I grew out of that one, now I have less harmful allergies such as pesto and some cats and dogs (but not all weirdly)

Biggest celebrity crush

My crush one Jennifer Lawrence was pretty immense not gonna lie, these days celebrities bug me, I do have a small crush on Carey Mulligan though, looks, personalty plus I love almost all the characters she portrays

Whether I can roll my tongue

Yes :S

The name of my first love

I’d rather not share that here

The name of my favorite coworker

I work with one of my closest friends now, so definitely not them! Just kidding its PJ

If I’m left-handed or right-handed

Righty

Nickname

Scizzle (now out of use) ( I was a grime kid, don’t judge me)

Scooter

Parents' jobs

My dad is basically a mechanic (long story short)

My mom chose not to go back to work after giving birth to me, although tiding the house, looking after my nan before she passed, often making the dinner are all jobs in their own right and shouldn’t be undermined

Favorite school subject

History, a piss poor standard of teaching, not necessarily our teachers fault but those of us on the back row always had a laugh and the field trips were legendary

Least favorite school subject

Maths, poor teaching meant I never progressed much, the class itself was a nightmare though, uncontrollable, sympathies for the teacher

Biggest fear

>Being inherently and innately inadequate

>Lack of consciousness, irrational though that is

>Time

What year I graduated high school

2007... I think? God it feels so long ago

What year I graduated college

Now I understand this is an American centric quiz, so if you mean by college ‘University’ that was 2013, in Britain college is a different level of education, I graduated college in 2009 (again, I think, cut me some slack it was a long time ago)

Do I like camping

Probably more as an idea than in practice. I have camped at festivals, all great experiences. The camping itself was less desirable Favorite ice cream flavor Chocolate fudge

Ice cream in a cone or a cup

Cone

Do I like spicy food

Hell yeah

Am I vegan or vegetarian

Hell no. I kid of course, whilst I am neither, I would prefer to be a vegan for ethical reasons (although not the stereotypical judgmental moralistic type that people rightly dislike) and there are a few vegan alternatives I love. In truth, I wouldn’t have much of a diet if I was a vegan. That being said I haven’t made any big steps towards becoming one and researching a way I could function with that diet so the fault lies with me, the contradictions are on my head alone

Cake or pie

Cake? No pie. Actually Cake! Or pie. Nope cake, final answer. Next question, hurry please

If I prefer the sheets to be tucked in or untucked at the end of the bed

Untucked purely because of ease of entry/exit and movement

Favorite swear word

Swear words are overrated, but if I have to... The most offensive one that isn’t discriminatory is cunt so I’ll go with that (XD)

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johnclapperne · 7 years ago

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How This Veteran Lost 113 Pounds and Started Competing in Bodybuilding Shows

Jason Hilger spent nine years in the Army as an Infantry soldier. At the time, he described himself as “Army fit” — his diet consisted of pizza, beer and burgers, but he could still throw 150 pounds on his back and pound out some cardio when he needed to. “We didn’t have that chiseled look like an athlete, but we were fit and could run forever and walk for days,” he recalls. About two years after he left the Army and returned home to Circle Pines, Minnesota, Hilger started working in construction to get himself through college, as he had started school to become an airline pilot. He first needed to become a flight instructor, which came with little pay and long hours. At the time, Hilger had a newborn to take care of, a house to pay for and a pile of debt — that’s when all the stress really started to hit him. So fast food in large quantities became the norm. Hilger would down a 12-pack of Coke a day (equivalent to nearly 1,700 calories). When he ordered a jumbo deluxe burger from Culver’s, he’d make it a triple, so instead of three patties he’d get nine. His motivation to exercise was shot, so from about 2001 to 2007, the number on Hilger’s scale steadily rose. By 2009, he hit his heaviest weight of 298 pounds (which you can see in the “before” photo above, taken by his doctor.) While he had no heart health issues, his doctor still recommended that he consider lap-band surgery, a procedure that would result in a silicone band being placed around the top part of his stomach to restrict food intake. During their first meeting, his doctors told him that he would have to lose at least 30 pounds on his own before the surgery. “If I’ve gone that far, there’s no need to pay $12,000 when I could just do this on my own,” Hilger recalls.

READ MORE > STAY-AT-HOME DAD PUT NUMBERS TO WORK TO LOSE 110 POUNDS

But he went through all of the weight-loss classes as if he was going through with it, and that’s when he really started to make some changes. The very first thing he needed to do was control how much he was eating. With the help of MyFitnessPal, Hilger started documenting everything he ate — but that doesn’t mean his diet automatically transformed into fish and salads. “For about the first six months to a year, I was just controlling calories and learning how to live off of less food. So instead of a whole pizza, I’d just have one slice,” he says.

After losing about 30 pounds in the first few months, Hilger started walking every day after dinner. After losing another 20 pounds, he got his first gym membership and started running on the treadmill. To keep his progress going, Hilger followed a meal plan and workout routine using an online nutritionist and trainer. That’s when he started to learn more about macronutrients and how to split up his calories between protein, carbs and fat. He continued to rev his metabolism through daily cardio. Within two years, he was down to 185 pounds. But he lacked the muscle definition that he wanted, and even started to gain some weight back, so about three years ago, Hilger decided to enlist the help of a personal trainer. “After a few months he asked me to redefine my goals. I told him that I don’t really have one, just to get in shape and stay there,” Hilger says. “He kept pushing me on a goal. Behind him was a poster for a local NPC bodybuilding competition, so I said ‘OK, I want to win that.’” His trainer helped him prepare for a full year, but about two months before the competition, Hilger’s excess skin had become the focal point of his six-pack. “A couple of friends pulled me aside and said, ‘It looks like you’re in great shape, but all they’re ever going to see is that,’” he says.

Knowing he would never place with loose skin, he decided to forgo the competition. He was hesitant to get the pricey procedure, but his wife kept pushing him to follow through with it, so toward the end of 2015, he went through the first surgery. All of the excess was fully removed by January 2016. Within a month, he was already prepping for his next competition in November, where he placed first in novice and third in the 40+ age group. He kept at it and did another one this past April, where the competition was fierce. He placed fourth and fifth. (You can see him at that show in the after photo above at 200 pounds.) Hilger is currently prepping for another show — and he’s determined to win it this time. That means he goes into the gym with a completely different attitude. “You’re not here to work out for a certain time period, you’re here to work out until you’re done,” he says. (Don’t have time to hit the gym? Shed fat at home with Anarchy Abs from Men’s Health, a fitness program guaranteed to help you carve a legendary six-pack.) His schedule is no joke: He breaks a sweat five days a week and splits his days to make sure he’s working every muscle group. Standing calf raises, the incline bench press, lat pulldowns, deadlifts, concentrated bicep curls, barbell squats, hamstring curls, hanging leg lifts and crunches are only a taste of the exercises he does every single week. What’s more, the man that once downed a case of soda of a day now preps all of his meals every Sunday. (Check out our beginner’s guide to meal prep.) Hilger focuses on eating lean protein, healthy fats and loads of vegetables, like chicken and asparagus with a bit of olive oil. Hilger now sits at a muscular 207 pounds and has dropped from a size 46 to a 32. He looks like a different person and feels like one, too. He can finally keep up with both of his kids, and since he coaches his son’s baseball team, his fear of being the “fat dad” is long gone. “I run around and do everything with them,” he says. “One day, one of the other fathers said, ‘Boy, it’d be great to be your age again.’ I told him I’m 46 and he said, ‘Holy crap, I’m 10 years younger than you.’” Hilger’s secret to sticking with a lifestyle change? “Surround yourself with the right people,” he says. His wife and kids always encouraged him to stay on track — and called him out when he was tempted to go back for more pizza. Once he started to hit the gym regularly, he made friends with other guys who encouraged him to stay focused. “When you surround yourself with people with similar goals, it’s kind of hard to stray from them,” he says.

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#How This Veteran Lost 113 Pounds and Started Competing in Bodybuilding Shows

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neilmillerne · 7 years ago

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How This Veteran Lost 113 Pounds and Started Competing in Bodybuilding Shows

READ MORE > STAY-AT-HOME DAD PUT NUMBERS TO WORK TO LOSE 110 POUNDS

The post How This Veteran Lost 113 Pounds and Started Competing in Bodybuilding Shows appeared first on Under Armour.

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#How This Veteran Lost 113 Pounds and Started Competing in Bodybuilding Shows

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almajonesnjna · 7 years ago

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How This Veteran Lost 113 Pounds and Started Competing in Bodybuilding Shows

READ MORE > STAY-AT-HOME DAD PUT NUMBERS TO WORK TO LOSE 110 POUNDS

The post How This Veteran Lost 113 Pounds and Started Competing in Bodybuilding Shows appeared first on Under Armour.

http://ift.tt/2sfdSdo

#How This Veteran Lost 113 Pounds and Started Competing in Bodybuilding Shows

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ruthellisneda · 7 years ago

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How This Veteran Lost 113 Pounds and Started Competing in Bodybuilding Shows

READ MORE > STAY-AT-HOME DAD PUT NUMBERS TO WORK TO LOSE 110 POUNDS

The post How This Veteran Lost 113 Pounds and Started Competing in Bodybuilding Shows appeared first on Under Armour.

http://ift.tt/2sfdSdo

#How This Veteran Lost 113 Pounds and Started Competing in Bodybuilding Shows

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joshuabradleyn · 7 years ago

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How This Veteran Lost 113 Pounds and Started Competing in Bodybuilding Shows

READ MORE > STAY-AT-HOME DAD PUT NUMBERS TO WORK TO LOSE 110 POUNDS

The post How This Veteran Lost 113 Pounds and Started Competing in Bodybuilding Shows appeared first on Under Armour.

http://ift.tt/2sfdSdo

#How This Veteran Lost 113 Pounds and Started Competing in Bodybuilding Shows

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albertcaldwellne · 7 years ago

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How This Veteran Lost 113 Pounds and Started Competing in Bodybuilding Shows

READ MORE > STAY-AT-HOME DAD PUT NUMBERS TO WORK TO LOSE 110 POUNDS

The post How This Veteran Lost 113 Pounds and Started Competing in Bodybuilding Shows appeared first on Under Armour.

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#How This Veteran Lost 113 Pounds and Started Competing in Bodybuilding Shows

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mickleach · 7 years ago

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Top 10 Food Myths

these are the possibly false truths we convinced ourselves to believe in regards to our food an apple a day keeps the doctor away and you're wondering is that really true welcome to watchmojo.com and today we're counting down our picks for the top ten food myths at the end of the day if we compare them side-by-side there are pros and cons for each for this list we're focusing on popular adages about food or common diet tips some of which have merit some of which don't and some of which do but not for the reasons you'd think then I would probably consider limiting or avoiding gum until the child gets a little bit older but as always be sure to consult a medical professional when it comes to your health stay lean and stay strong number 10 microwaving food destroys nutrients myth we're talking really bad we begin our list with the big bad microwave any new technology attracts its share of critics and the microwave was no different why don't you build something like he does stead of all your empty deals it's just like your science oven you know I read that it takes all of the nutrition out of our food empty just like your deal it's long been suggested that cooking food this way can rob it of its healthy properties but for the most part that's just not true it's actually the cook time and heat level that is most likely to destroy nutrients and since a microwave takes less time than most conventional cooking methods in many cases it might actually help retain more of the healthiness and cook for three to four minutes until the salmon is flaky pro tip try steaming vegetables in a sealed microwave safe ditch with a small amount of water for delicious and nutritious veggies it's also very important to choose glass cookware or microwave safe cookware that doesn't emit or leach different plastic compounds which can be toxic number 9 pop rocks plus soda equals kaboom miss thirsty what's wrong something you might have heard about mixing pop rocks some soda well you there stomach and your intestines everything first coca-cola hit the market in 1886 pop rocks hit the market in 1975 rumours claiming that ingesting these junky products at the same time would cause your stomach to explode due to excessive carbon dioxide from the combo of the fizzy candy and the carbonated drink weren't far behind I'm a little afraid I can't say oh let me see let's all see okay oh crap everyone heard this urban legend when they were growing up and many of us may have actually believed it the people of Seattle believed it so much the US Food and Drug Administration had to set up a hotline to calm them down oh but the truth is the worst thing you could likely do to you is cause a nice satisfying belch ah odd then number eight eggs are bad for your heart if this food factoid has been debated for years but here's what we know eggs contain cholesterol and too much cholesterol can lead to health problems like heart disease so how is this amiss well contrary to what you might have been told eggs are one of the healthiest foods you can consume as they're full of vitamins minerals and protein if you're healthy and don't have a history of heart problems you can likely eat an egg a day without it adversely affecting your cholesterol levels as your body will offset it by producing less cholesterol itself so will that be scrambled or sunny-side up there was a widely spread study that eggs were not good for you this just doesn't simply make any sense number seven red wine is good for your heart fact yep I don't care what the scientists say I'm just gonna keep on drinking all you wine drinkers out there prepare to rejoice scientists have been studying the connection between wine consumption and heart health for years after looking at the French diet and noticing relatively low rates of heart disease even though their traditional foods are fatty and if they want to drink Merlot we're drinkin Merlot know if anybody orders Merlot I'm leaving I am not drinking any more low but it's true red wine features heart-healthy properties that can possibly protect against heart attacks or strokes among other things however like most things when it comes to your diet moderation is key oh no no no I'm driving about two glasses a day for men and one for women is the optimum amount to drink for your health will drink to that number six a gluten-free diet is better for anyone myth clues a vague term it's it's something that's used to categorize things that are bad you know calories that's a gluten gluten is a rather new buzzword in the mainstream but boy has a gained steam fast gluten intolerance is described as the fastest growing food intolerance category selling over ten and a half billion in the u.s. in 2013 and only growing since then and while those suffering from celiac disease are unable to digest gluten only about 1% of the population suffers from it and therefore should follow a gluten-free diet and your body responds in a lot of ways to it stomach pains swollen lymph nodes skin rashes a whole host of things that will progressively get worse as you keep having to gluten in your diet doctors recommend that anyone without this condition can and should include whole grains in their balanced diet for help with digestion lower blood pressure and cholesterol maintaining a healthy body weight and more so why is it so bad well it's not in fact it's neither detrimental or essential for your health and there's very little evidence to suggest that cutting it out is the healthier choice for the average person that's the whole wheat toast please is better than the previous bite you gluten number 5 it takes seven years to digest swallowed gum miss name something you put in your mouth but don't swallow Oh Amanda gum we've all been there one minute you're chewing some gum the next something startles you and you swallow it better hope your mom's not around to lecture you about how swallowed gum will not be digested by your system for seven years and we'll just fester in your gut until it's finally excreted okay gross and patently untrue while gum has been described as indigestion that doesn't mean it stays in your stomach it just means that when you do pass the gum through your sister in the regular amount of time it'll be in pretty much the same shape as when you swallowed it I know what and get go mamas go but we don't suggest checking it out to be sure number four eating turkey makes you sleepy miss Oh Monica that was the best Thanksgiving dinner ever was so good I think he killed us we were surprised about this one too considering how lethargic we are after Thanksgiving dinner every year so why do you feel tired after you stuff your face with turkey a common assertion blames tryptophan an amino acid found in many meats that's connected to the sleepytime hormone melatonin but the holiday bird actually contains less tryptophan than a food like cheddar cheese for example so experts point to other culprits when it comes to after meal exhaustion it's probably the combo of carbs and booze that cause you to snooze whatever bring it on jelly those are my maternity pants no no these are my Thanksgiving pants number three boy stirs are an aphrodisiac miss have you ever had a wasters did you know boy stirs are an aphrodisiac well it's probably a myth anyway the oyster has long been considered a vital food for love partly because of its vague resemblance to female sex organs and partly because the legendary lover Casanova was set to eat 50 of them each morning but there have been many studies over the years none of which has proven the oysters roll as a definitive aphrodisiac what they have found however is that oysters are so rich with zinc and amino acids that they may increase the sex drive maybe there's something to this one after all but no matter how you eat them they're sure to enhance the romance of your Valentine's Day evening number 2 acne is caused by chocolate greasy foods etc miss people think that I told my name chuckling ba or that I don't wash my face call them pimples call them zits but whatever you call them they're an unfortunate part of life and they often crop up at the worst possible time my chocolate my beautiful chocolate now the uninformed might blame things like chocolate or greasy foods for their facial blemishes while others might cite poor hygiene but they'd all be wrong acne is caused by bacteria excess oil or clogged pores and there's not a ton you can do about it Chocolate Rain a baby born will die before this in Chocolate Rain stress and hormones may trigger a breakout as can some medications and there are even some studies that suggest diet can be an aggravating factor but all in all zits are a rite of passage we all must deal with amaz it get it before we unveil our top pick here are some honorable mentions today there are over 900 published studies revealing the detrimental effects of aspartame migraines are the most reported aspartame reaction like they're coming thank you contact even though artificial sweeteners don't raise your blood sugar they may put you at greater risk for diabetes calories consumed after say 10:00 p.m. won't make you gain weight any faster than calories consumed at 6:00 p.m. research shows that what matters is how many calories you eat and not the time that you eat them the bottom line is to be aware of what you're eating margarine can vary so drastically that looking at the label to understand what is or isn't in it will help you make informed decisions number one organic food is always healthier myth organic food is grown without synthetic pesticides fertilizers antibiotics or hormones today it accounts for more than thirty 1 billion dollars in sales a year in the United States many people think the organic label gives food some supernatural nutritional value but it actually refers to the way the farmers grow or raise their products is that USDA Organic or Oregon Organic of Portland Organic it's just all across the board organic in many cases organic farming might encourage soil and water conservation while decreasing pollution it's also more likely to be free of preservatives and synthetic flavors now I'm on the inside looked in my list organic chicken kale salad in a lemon twist however thus far test results have gone back and forth on whether or not organic food is healthier if you want to support small farmers and sustainable development then by all means look for an organic certification however an apple is an apple no matter how it's grown so as long as you're eating a healthy balanced diet you should be fine his name was Colin curious papers okay just quick he looks like a happy little guy runs around a lot of friends other chickens as friends putting his little wing around another one kind of like howling around I don't know that I can speak to that level of intimate knowledge about him do you agree with our list that is so good what's your favorite food myth for more enticing top 10s published every day be sure to subscribe to watchmojo.com

See more here: http://mickleach.com/common-food-myths/

#niche marketing

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