#didnt think id make it past 18 but look at me now

[arielluva]

saw an ig reel about not letting kids have social media until 18 and like. as one of those kids there is... no way that ends well.

straight up banning social media (especially up until 18) is just gonna make kids sneak behind your back and make some anyway. i mean, look at me, im what you'd consider a "good kid" and was very scared of getting in trouble, and yet i still made multiple socials before i was 18! hell, i made this blog when i was 14 years old!!

it just overall creates an environment where your kid won't feel comfortable coming to you if something happens because theres the looming worry of getting in trouble. plus, having all sorts of restrictions - on top of feeling annoying- feels almost insulting as well. i understood why i had restrictions when i was like. 9-14 years old. i hated them at the time, but i understand it now. when i got older though, it felt insulting. it felt like my parents didnt trust me enough, or that they thought that i was too stupid to handle myself online. being 17 and still not being allowed to have socials or be on the internet past midnight didnt feel very nice!

not to mention that the internet can be an important space for kids, i have conservative parents, and so being online is one of the few places i get to be myself. i think it would be better to just. monitor possible social media accounts rather than just. banning it for all eternity and not knowing if something bad happens. kids will find ways around restrictions that are implemented.

and like, i didnt even care about social media pre-covid. i only made accounts because i was bored. but i think that just straight up banning it, rather than allowing it and monitoring isnt good. having the option to make social media, also allows for the option to just. not use it. i feel like i only got as into as i did because i COULDN'T make socials. if i was allowed to when i was, say 15 years old, i doubt id use socials as much as i do now. i seldom used my phone when i was 13, so i imagine id be the same with social media had i been allowed to make them in the first place

[royalwriteroftheuniverse]

Returning the Stones

1-the goodbye

Just incase 18+ theres fludd angst mentions of kissing implied intimate tons of sweet kissing and tears. Comments likes ans reblogging apprexitaed. No permission to repost anywhere else or to translate or to use in any ai story generator to finish it

I stood there as steve got his last good wishes from his team mates. I stood back watching tears in my eyes. I knew he only had a certain amount and im thinking back to the cinversariin we had after it was decided hed be the onky to return them

"Why do I feel like theres a but comming"

"There is" he took my hands, "sweeetheart even tho hank pym is back theres still that adjustment period everyone is going through and he csnt make more pym particles right now"

"Cant you wait? Time will always be there for you to return it?"

He took my palm, like he does when he's  nervous and subconsciouslybdraws the same patterns he always does when he looked down.

"Yes and no. You see the way that Strange explained it is that time will continue on  and yes and while we can wait the stones not being there is affecting us here and now as in the past they arent there.  I could wait but if simething happens," he swollows hard, "something to you. I cant lose you."

"Steve nothing is going to ha-"

"You dont know that!" Hw yells and i jumo back almsot in tears.

"Im sorry, I'm sorry I didnt mean to "

"Strange said something didnt he?"

Steve looked uo with tears in his eyes and nodded. 

"It doesn't mean it will but i can't bear the thought"

"And I can't live without"

"Neither can I, if Tony was here..."

"I know" I sob a bit  as he pulls me intk his chest and cries too "if tony easnt gone id kill him all iver again."

This garners a chuckle from Steve.

"She's your last stop isnt she?"

I looked up i could only see the side if his cheek really but it was like i could see him go pale.

Not for the reasons yoy think. When insaw in the care facility, i mean yiu saw her every time she didnt remeber me and she eas so ha-

"I know happy and thrilled and saying shes worry you didnt get to live a full happy life."

It hurt me too it was so sad seeing her, I mean seing anyone like that would be saddening. 

"I just want to tell her im ok and that I survived so she doesnt have those regrets and that...."

I pulled back a little and I whipesmone side of tears from my face and he whipped the other putting his hand on my chin and guiding it making sure I can't move away as he knows how scared and fearful i must me and he looked in my eyes .

"That l, I found the love of my life and I am so happy."

I let out a small chuckle with some tears.

"You know that right? That i love you. I love ypu more than anything. And ill always come back to you. Like a bad oenny you cant losemor that cat that never stopped following yoy home,"

On cue Midnight jumoed into our laps with a meow and using her head to burrow under steves tee for warmth like she always did garnering a laugh from both of us. I pulled away a but as steve took iut of hisnshirt and talked to her 

"Youll take care off mommy right?" 

"Take care of me why woukd she need to-" I statted bawling

"Oh honey no no no i didnt mean it oh no " he put Mid night down and grabbed me chuck and tight, so tiggt i almost coukdnt breathe. "Wrong words blvery wrong words. I meant if something haooened. Lets face it i don't have greay track records when it comes to saving the world. The first time i dissapeared for decades and I don't want that to happen my last time but im afraid of tha-"

"Last time?"

"Yea," he rubbed my arms comfortly "my last time, the world doesn need me not as much as you do. And i want to give thst life yoy want because i want it too. I see the longing in your eyes when yoy see a young couoke and a baby and i have the same in mine that wishing hoping dreaming. During these five years people havent needed me and ive been wnlanting to give it uo for a while now justtrying to figure out the best way to do it and yiu know ive been slowly limiting my cap duties."

I know,

I know yiu do. So after this i want to give you that. That family a real family a couoke of mini us's." He interlocked our fingers wispering "I hope to God they look like you".

I chuckled. "Once I return the stones uts you and me babe every day forever no interruptions. Ill be in that bed every day yoy wake uo and every night you go to sleep. Ill hold yiu hair back wvery morning sickness and yoy can try and break a finger or two or try to lift molojiner when youre giving birth."

That made me laugh

"Ill hadle the night and change every littke poopy diaper and we'll hold them together wheh they get thier shots and bad dreams. Ill help you kiss thier boo boos and scare away boyfriends"

Got thiee whole lives planned out hu?

Yiu betcha dolls and when they get marriednand have little ones of thier own ill hug them and then beat uo their husbands for doing thst my little girls "

I cracked up.

"Hey I will unless its done by oamossis no one is touching my daughters."

"You are too much"

He kisses my fore head and puts hair behind my ears,

"Yea well. Only the best for my family and if best means that i have to beat up thier husbands to out then in thier place so be it"

He rubbed my wedding band and engagement ring as we calmed down for a moment of silence. 

You know I would never give you either of these if my heart bekonged to someone else, in another time or place. This wasnt because i was never, " he losed his eyes and sighhned then ooened them stuck here. I was here to find you. I felt more for you then I did her even at first look - i almost proposed."

I know  i rememeber yoy did not try and cover well for that *i laughed*

"I tried"

"Yea so badly' I laughed and  ran my fingers through his hair.

"I grew it out for you, ya know"

"I know. I cant wait to see how blonde it was from when it was in the early days of the avengers"

He chuckled. 

"I love you," he wispered and kissed the bridge of my noise 

"I love you," he wispered  and and kissed my upper cheek.

"I love you," he wispered and kissed my lower cheek

"I love you," he wispered ad kissed the other cheek 

"I love you," he wispered and kissed my other cheek bone.

"I love you," he wispered and kissed my fore head.

"I love you," he wispered and kissed fhe right side of my upper neck.

"I love you," he wispered and kissed my lips.

"I love you," he wispered and kissed the left side of my upper neck.

"I love you," he wispered and kissed the middle of my neck.

"I love you," he wispered and kissed my lips so very deep that i almost lost my brrath. And that was how that night went. Him showing his love he knew he didnt have to prove it but he did he heled me and kissed me anddid everything he wanted to so to make sure he felt like he knew i knew he loved me and more. That was how last night went too. The last night before this trip. A trio that i knew would be mear seconds for me for for him it could be years. 

Then he walked over to me, he had tears in his eyes. Hia other team mates offered to come to help only ateve, i bruce and hank pim knew that wasnt possible. 6 vials. He had 6 and that was all. I was praying of somethin did go grong that last jump hed be able to grab more particles and get back to me. I also knew about the contingency they set up the older face the extra shield, just in case. So many just in cases. It meant to be steves way of dissapearing so we could live aort of loke clint and tony away from the spotlight and danger. 

He hugged me again, wispering in my eqr Ill be back in seconds my love and i love you so much," i felt a tear fall from his face onto mine

"Itll be only minutes babe, 60 minutes the most and youll be back in my arms." I gave him reassurance

"I  hope it works out like that nur every monute ill be thinking about getting back to you,"

He hugged me tightly. "I love you. And those seconds that pass here i told bucky to not let go of your hand,"

I chuckled.

"I know you. You need a hand and he wont let go. But if you two kiss i will kill him"

I laughed what?

"I just wanted to see that smile before i go"

Get your ass back here and ill give yku something to smile about tonight.

Oh is that a threat 

"Oh no that promise," I smiled wrapping my arms around his neck and we looked into eachothers eyes and then he kissed me. 

"This ring isnt leaving this chain and this chain isnt leaving my body"

"I know" 

He took my hand as he walked up to the platform and I followed. He took his stance snd gave me one of the deepest longest kisses hes ever given me. 

"I love you dont forget im waiting right here no matter what you do to retrurn those im here loving you forever. "

"I know I promise ill come back no matrer what i love you too much." 

Steve gave me one last kiss on my lips and then a kiss behind me ear making me giggle 

"I needed to see and hear that one last time."

I felt bucky take my hand and lead me down the strairs steves and my eyes never leaving eachother's. He looked at me as he put the helmet on  and I squeezed Bucky's hand as Steve lifted his hand to presse rhe vutton and bucky squeezed mine as Steve dissapeared.

After 45 seconds my hand let go of Bucky's  but Bucky bevee ler go of mine.

(Varient timeline endings comming)

Taglist

@nana1000night @whore-for-chris-evans @sparklybarbarianninja @patzammit @hawkeyes-queen @bookishtheaterlover7 (i know im miasing a few sry ill ads when i can find the name if u want to be added let me kno)

[kodachromantic]

wrote some braindump abt the hawthorne timeline last night cause when you think about it there are a lot of questions and ideas to put in. idek what happened but all of a sudden dahlia became a very interesting character to me (iris too but dahlia is just kinda surprising)

huge mega spoilers for aa3, also large and likely boring so uhh read more

thinking abt dahlia and how weird things are in the beginning of her timeline before things actually start happening and im trying to think of how to fill the gaps. what age were they taken away by their father? isn't it crazy how the family relation is kinda sorta glossed over for all of this?? mia and dahlia are COUSINS, BRO, FUCKING COUSINS AND PEARL IS HER SISTER LIKE!!!!! BITCH!!!!! there's a 4yr age gap between d/i and mia. were misty and morgan somewhat estranged maybe?? we know morgan lived in fey manor, but was that just bc she was maya's caretaker or would she have lived there regardless? did she leave once the master title was given to misty and then moved back in later? mia could be young enough with some leeway for them to have been taken when they were toddlers and have no memories (if they lived in different houses or something).

dahlia thought morgan abandoned them bc they had little/no power but that brings up a question of when can you tell of one's spiritual power? i feel like it makes sense to just say, you can't tell that young, thats just the reasoning dahlia came up with or maybe what her father told her. age here depends on how many memories you want them to have of kurain & morgan, if any--maybe 2-4 y/o so mia would be 8 at most.

how long did iris live with dahlia and their dad? how old were they when their father remarried? i'd kinda put this at around 8-10 years old just as a feeling. how long was iris around until she was taken away? did bikini know her origin? did she speak to morgan? oh god imagine bikini alerting morgan and morgan is either pregnant with pearl or just had her and rejects iris coming back in a cruel twist of fate (i think im using that right? lol) bc although morgan didn't abandon them bc of their lack of spiritual power, she now doesn't want iris back because of it

okay 14 years old now, post fake kidnapping. wiki says valerie found dahlia and took care of her. so dahlia was considered legally dead bc terry was arrested for her murder. i think i forgot valerie forged all the melissa foster documents and just assumed dahlia did those herself or even just didn't have documents?? i mean it says "unable to get her original papers" so i didnt think of valerie making any new ones. and then post/during fawles trial, she's just given her info back? i mean edgeworth knew who she was. nothing really happened?? it was just, yep that stuff was weird but here's ur id back. do u think her dad thought she was dead, did he believe in the story or knew it was fake? do u think he gave a shit??? does dahlia live with valerie afterwards? she was 18 at the time of the fake kidnapping, so 18-22 years old taking care of her (valerie died at 23, dahlia would be 18 when valerie turns 22)? or did she go back home to her dad like "whoopsies" and her dad just does not care i dont even know what happened to the diamond after. i guess the two were able to pawn it and get the money that way rather than from the dad and that's how valerie looked after dahlia?? either they lived together or valerie set up dahlia with a living space and sent her money or she just lived independently with valerie checking in. it feels vaguely like ema like "who took care of this child and where did they live"

the idea of valerie taking care of dahlia and somewhat being that parental figure for her but it's too late for dahlia for that sort of kindness to change her path. she was also probably too close in age so dahlia would be like "whatever bitch" as you can tell dahlia & iris have become very interesting characters to me over the past few days lmfao

wait thinking on it maybe dahlia did know they were cousins. she knew morgan was her mom, she saw the last name fey and mia's magatama, thats not hard to put together

------

thats the end of what i wrote lol, i've been trying to write a comic idea out for the past couple days in the evenings abt dahlia and iris and i kept getting into roadblocks, first just the idea of writing and how daunting/hard it is, but then later the timeline and how it'd work and if my ideas for it even fit. so i had an idea for them to talk about their father briefly but then remembered dahlia jumped off the damn bridge & melissa foster and it got me down a rabbit hole. so now i'm either going to rethink that section or just plow through like fuck it and maybe change my idea for the timeline at a later date. who knows if it'll even be made w the pace im going lmfao!!!

i do like that bikini/morgan interaction tho i think i'll try and make that. if anyone reads this at all first of all hi teehee second of all if you want to do that idea literally feel free i wouldnt be upset in the slightest. lil egotistical of me to assume someone would want to tho LOL

[coletvp]

I found music

Music found me

thinking too fast, too young for this shit think i need a relax, too numb for this shit can’t handle my past, never thought you would quit always thought it would last

Now I’m looking back

When i was i kid, always was just laughs, and throwing fits

My bank just seems so blurry, you left in such a hurry, i just said no worries, but i really was so worried, you disturbed me, and you hurt me

In ways i can’t explain, the pain burns the same, like a flame it’s on fire

I love a dandelion but can’t stand a damn liar

What can i say to make you stay, is it too late, is this our fate, had to escape, but goes two ways, dealt them cards that you just threw away

If I find it, ill rewind it, smoke so much but I don’t mind, told the stories you designed it, built the hill and we’d just climb it, played some beats and you’d just rhyme it, Hide the cup id always find it, shined a light was always blinded, good verse bad was soon reminded, was it me or just bad timing,

I can’t help but think its me, I don’t blame you completely, now I’m like you can’t you see,

Don’t look up to this sky

You won’t like what you find

Left me with no advice

Solo, try and find peace of mind

who knows if ill make it

But Ive made it this farrrr

You’re just my creator

Even though we share the same heart

Second verse:

Flipping through pages the memories come flooding, I’m 18 all of sudden, just the three of us we was struggling, now I’m focused on making something

Something bigger then only myself, so I can share all of my wealth

Don’t become him my mom would yell, said I’m different but can’t you tell

Can get attached I’m in a cell, relationships just seem like hell, mind tells me I’m meant to fail, but I didnt seal that deal

Do we we really know each other, nights locked up had to teach my brother, how to feed off all this hunger, is this why its so hard to love another

Words can’t explain how I’m feeling, how’d I end up on the ceiling, took it all so I won’t feel this, still on the search for some realness, you crashed hard but I’m still healing, there’s pictures but that ain’t reeling

Thought it was another weekend, but you gone be gone this evening, new beginnings I feel creeping, opportunities I’m leaping

Tell the future that I’m coming, life speeds up so I am running

I still love you, when it’s hard to, forget all the things we been through, in the mirror I feel sinful, that just means that I resent you

Don’t look up to this sky

You won’t like what you find

Left me with no advice

Now ima find peace of mind

who knows if ill make it

But Ive made it this farrrr

You’re just my creator

Im glad we share the same heart

[they-might-be-ultramen]

not havin a great birthday so far lads. gotta rush to find two essay topics for different classes, one of which i have to turn in the thesis and bibliography for by midnight tonight - which i have absolutely nothing for because i dont even know what im gonna be writing about yet. felt like some people forgot my birthday (i dont want to name names so i wont) because they said nothing about it, didnt tell me happy birthday, nothin, so that made me feel kinda Bad. there was a whole hassle about our dnd game for tonight that was really frustrating and stressful and im still kinda irked about that. i might not get to see my significant other over spring break because my car got Smashed and is now in car heaven so i dont have a way to get to my SO. my stomach is doin the weird thing where im hungry but i feel like if i try to eat im gonna throw up. and i was feeling really cold in our apartment even tho we turned the heat up and so i checked my temperature and guess what. i got a low grade fever. happy fuckening birthday marin.

[ppersonna]

the landlord - myg | m

↳ summary- your air conditioner breaks right at the height of a recordbreaking heat wave.  good thing your hot landlord, yoongi, knows how to attend to any needs you may have.

↳ rating- explicit / 18+

↳ word count- 4.3k

↳ pairing- yoongi x reader

↳ genre- smut, light crack, PWP

↳ warnings- basically the plot of a porn, theres no plot, the plot doesn’t make sense, seduction, oral sex (m/f receiving), penetrative sex, dirty talk, fun laughing giggly time during sex, honestly yoongi is great and i love him, maybe exhibitionism if u squint ???, cum sharing, finger sucking, motorboating

↳ a/n- did i just write basically the plotline of a bad porno? yes.  did i love it? also yes.  this was lowkey inspired by my own landlord coming over to my place (that i DIDNT SLEEP WITH) and i answered the door in a state of undress :/ i hate myself lol.  anywwayyss! enjoy yoongi the landlord!  pls feel free to interact with me because i need constant attention uwu

The inside of your apartment feels hotter than the blazing sun outside.  Your air conditioner chose the worst week to fritz on you. A record-breaking heat wave.

Nothing helps.  You open windows, blow fans, sit in front of your fridge, take cold showers. All just momentary bliss that ends too soon.

It finally breaks you and you muster up the courage to text your landlord, Yoongi.  

You inhale a deep breath as you click on the name. Min Yoongi, landlord.  Your eyes flutter shut for a moment without realizing.

Your landlord who lives in the same building as you is likely the hottest and most attractive man you’ve ever met. You’d be lying if you said you didn’t have a crush on the man. Every month, paying rent was torture. You wanted to fling your legs open to him and request he takes his payment another way.

But you never did. He always remained cool and expressionless and it was hard to get a read on the man, let alone see if he’s interested.

Your fingers slide across the keys, nibbling at your lip as you decide what to say.

[to: yoongi] hi! sorry to bother you but my ac appears to have died and im afraid ill be next at the rate of his heat wave 😩 no rush but id appreciate help!

Perfect. Simple, slightly cutesy. Emoji to express how chill you are.

Your phone vibrates almost instantly and a smile curves on your face.

[to: me] oh no, we can’t have that. haunted apartments are hard to rent out 😉 im out until late tonight but i can stop by first thing in the morning if that’s cool?

A flirty line? Is this… working?

[to: yoongi] tomorrow is great! and don’t worry, if i die i won’t haunt this apartment, i’ll haunt yours 😌

[to: me] see you tomorrow, poltergeist 👻

You’re leaping through the air at the idea of the hot landlord semi-flirting with you over text when you notice your apartment. It’s disgusting. Your face burns red and you instantly work on the space before Yoongi comes over. He can't see you like this.

Sleep is out of the question. After your ravage cleaning and polishing and organizing, you’ve worked up more than a sweat.  A cold shower helps for a moment but you end up lying in bed feeling slightly wet and very, very hot. The humidity is draining.

You change into an outfit of a crop top and g-string panties. You aim the 3 fans in your room to point around your bed for direct wind contact. It helps, somewhat.

Sleep finally comes as dawn breaks. It’s cooled off enough that the ambient air around you is finally tolerable.  Exhaustion overwhelms you, and you pass out, hard. Finally.

You’re broken from your exquisite dream of being nailed by your landlord when a loud knock wakes you up. It’s disorienting. You’re so tired you’re not even sure where you are at the moment, let alone who is at the door.  The knock sounds again and you scurry to turn off the loud fans and book it to the door.

The door swings open and reveals your landlord, Yoongi.

“Oh, hi!” You’re excited to see him, for reasons beyond fixing your air conditioning.

Yoongi steps in and looks like he’s about to speak but opens his mouth and remains silent. His cheeks tingle a light shade of pink and he’s staring at your body.  Did you drool all over yourself all night or something? What was he staring—

Oh god.

You glance down at your body.  The crop top you hastily changed into in the middle of the night hits you a little lower than where your breasts end. The G string is non-existent. It covers almost nothing, which is why you opted for it last night in your desire to get cooled off.

You take a step back from the sexy landlord still gaping at you and shyly cross your arms over your chest.

“I’m sorry, I—it was hot,” you mutter. “I’ll go change.”

Yoongi licks his lips, then snaps his eyes up to you and finds his voice. “It’s fine. It’s your home,” he swallows. “It’s hot in here, so stay comfortable. Don’t want to overheat you.”

His eyes stare down yours intensely. It feels like your veins sizzle, and it’s not related to the scorching temperature of your studio apartment.

He breaks the contact first and heads towards the panel in the wall where the inner workings of the air conditioner hide.

You wait in your kitchen, enjoying the natural shadow and shade from no windows and a spot to hide from Yoongi.

What if he thought badly about you?  What if he doesn’t find you attractive and thinks of this as a ploy to get him to lower your rent or something?  How could you recover from this?  Would it ever go back to being the same?

You’re anxiously tapping your fingers on the kitchen countertop, listening intently as the landlord fiddles with pipes and belts and mutters under his breath every so often.  Eventually, you hear a soft ‘aha’ and your air con kicks right on.   You think it’s the most beautiful sound you’ve ever heard.   Instantly you feel the machine push out air. It’s lukewarm now from disuse, but soon it will be frigid cold.  You stand in front of the breeze and bask, arms open to let the wind blow through you.

Yoongi clears his throat, and it startles you, making you realize you’re standing in your house nearly naked, ass cheeks out on display, under-boob surely peeking out to say hi. Your face burns and it makes him chuckle as you jump and attempt to cover yourself somehow.

“How long was I standing there?” You ask quietly.

Yoongi can’t wipe the amused smirk on his face. “A few minutes,” he shrugs. “Glad it’s working now for you.”

The air rapidly cools as the machine continuously pumps out colder and colder air.

“Thank god. I owe you,” you sigh.

“Nah, that’s what rent pays for,” he smiles.

He makes his move to leave you alone, and you recognize this is it. This is your chance. You can ask him to fuck the shit out of you now. If he declines, well, the first of the month would start being more awkward. But if he accepts… it’s too blissful to imagine.

You grab at his arm as he walks past you.  He stops in his tracks, and his eyes travel to where your hands meet his skin.

“I’m serious,” you attempt to sound as confident as you can. “I owe you.”

He arches a brow at you and turns completely to face you. Your hands hover at the hem of your tiny shirt, lifting a sliver to give him a glance of the bottom of a rounded globe.

“Let me repay you somehow?” you ask.

A smirk lifts at one side of his lips. “You think that will cover the cost?”

Your cheeks heat and you pull the shirt up higher, determined to get him in your bed or die trying.

“I’m hoping.”

Yoongi’s eyes zero in on your tits. Rounded and full, nipples prickling in the fresh and rapidly cooling air.  He contemplates for a moment as he lets his eyes get their nice, long drink of you.

“Yeah, now that I think of it, that should be exact change.” He drops his bag of tools and approaches you quickly, hands cupping your head as he kisses you intensely.

He kisses you with all the fire of the heatwave outside, melting you from the inside out. You’re sure to be sweaty and clammy after you’re finished with him. He swipes his tongue over your lips, and there’s no hesitation to let him in. Your hands grip at his sides, pulling his shirt up as much as you can while trying to focus on making out with the hottest guy you’ve ever met.

He chuckles against your lips at your weak attempt to disrobe him and he reluctantly pulls a step away from you to take the shirt off. He stands there and allows you a quick look before he’s back on to you. His skin presses against your chilled nipples and the fire and ice sensation makes you shiver.

Yoongi kisses you passionately, you notice. Like a lover. It’s laced with deeper intention and you hope you’re not overthinking it. You will your brain to just shut up and enjoy. Emotions can come later.

Now, you’re the one to remove your lips from his and he pouts slightly at the loss. You smile and slide down to your knees, hands undoing the button of his tight jeans and tugging them down.

“Shit, babe, I think you may be overpaying me,” he admits. “Wasn’t that hard to fix.”

As a finger pulls down the front of his boxers to let his cock spring free, you flick a smirk up to his face.

“Then consider this my repayment for being late on rent all those months,” you state before shifting your gaze back to his hardened cock. It’s gathered pre-cum at the head and you wonder if he’s been hard and wanting since he got here and first saw you. The thought is intoxicating and spurs you on.

Your tongue licks up the slick at the tip that threatens to drip off, before it swirls around the bulbous head. Yoongi isn’t afraid to be loud, it seems. You supposed you wouldn’t be afraid if you owned the building too. Who will complain? And to who?

“Hoooooly fuck,” he gasps. “Sh—shit I might let you pay rent like this for the rest of your lease.”

You pop your mouth off and lick your lips, allowing your hand to grip his shaft and begin stroking him.

“I don’t want to pay rent this way. How about we consider it a perk?” You smile, pressing forward to kiss his tip teasingly.

“God, a girl who doesn’t want to fuck me just to take advantage of me? And she’s hot as fuck and wants to blow me for fun?” he quirks his head. “Shit, be careful or I’ll end up falling in love.”  

It makes your head spin a little and you suckle at the tip a little longer, making him keen, before you pull away again.

“Maybe that was the plan all along,” you simper, then take him in fully, letting his tip glide down your mouth to the back of your throat.  He groans loudly, and it’s the most satisfying sound. It makes you want to do this more. Every day if you could.

You get to work, sucking him in, allowing him passage to your throat, vacuuming your cheeks to add additional pressure, gliding your hands up and down the slick shaft to assist you in touching every single bit. Yoongi is thriving. He can’t believe his luck. The hottest girl in the complex, the girl he’s secretly pined over, is sucking his cock as if her life depends on it.

You’re salivating at the act now, saliva spilling out your mouth as you continue to envelop his cock quickly. You slip it out of your mouth to lean down and lick and suck at his balls, which makes him hum in absolute pleasure.  You don’t remain long—his cock is nearly pulsating with desire.  Your mouth returns to its rightful place and as you’re licking and sucking and pumping and stroking him, you maintain even and sensual eye contact with him.

You want him to know this isn’t a chore, a means to an end. You want him to know you’ve dreamt of him fucking your throat raw every night since you moved in.

Yoongi got the picture pretty quickly. His mouth drops open as he openly gapes at your work, giving him probably the best and hottest blowjob of his life.  

Your tongue swirls at the ridge of his head and Yoongi feels it snap—the tightness that holds everything back.  He fucks desperately into your throat, relishing in the feel of your gagging and moaning.  It didn’t take long until he was seeing it through to the end, pumping hot white ropes down your throat while he moaned out your name with a string of expletives.

The immoral pop noise your mouth made as you pull off his cock makes the blue-haired landlord standing above you moan.

“Fucking hell—where the fuck have you been all my life?” he sighs as he cups his hand under your chin. He beckons you back up, desperate to kiss you.  You oblige and return to standing, pressing against his body to pull him in to a dirty kiss.

“Upstairs, apparently,” you murmur.

He swipes his tongue on yours, tastes himself there, and decides he wants to taste himself on you all the time.  His hands slide down to your ass, the g string still curving down the line.  He snaps at the straps as you kiss, making you puff a laugh against his lips before pulling away.

“I’d be willing to fix your leaky faucet in the bathroom if you let me eat you out,” he offers.  

You’re tugging him towards your bed, knocking over multiple fans in the process, and flopping onto the mattress, landing on your back.

“Throw in fixing the squeaky wheel on my closet, and you’ve got yourself a deal,” you joke, spreading your legs to give him the tiniest clue of what lays between.

He sighs dramatically with a smile, “Needy tenant,” before he slips down to hover over you. He intends to kiss and lick every part of your body, starting with the tits that hypnotized him.

“Can’t believe you opened the door like that,” he chuckled as he plucked a nipple between his fingers and lightly rolled it.  “I thought I was dreaming.”

The feeling is instant, electricity sparking at the tips of your nipples and warming its way around your body, directly to your cunt.  You’re absolutely certain that by the time Min Yoongi reaches his mouth to your core, he’ll drown in it.

He moves forward and wraps his lips around the bud, allowing his hands to travel to the neglected one and to squeeze and pinch and prod.  He’s rewarded with your beautiful sighs and gasps—it’s sweeter than any song he’s ever heard.

He presses your tits together and rubs his face in the cleavage there, making you gasp and laugh at the same time.  He gazes up at you and flashes his gummy smile.

“I’ve really wanted to do that,” he admits, which makes you giggle again.

“Be my guest,” you approve.  He takes your reply and does it again for just a moment, before he’s kissing and sucking at the flesh of your breasts.  He wants to mark you, leave a piece of him for you to remember every time you see yourself.  You moan in appreciation and rub your thighs together, desperate at the ache that grows with every nip and nibble of Yoongi’s lips and teeth.

He seems to understand and trails down, kissing and sucking at your long torso, abdomen, hips.  He leaves little bruises everywhere and you want them to last forever.  You want him to mark you and claim you as his own.

His fingers slip around the thin straps of your underwear, and he tugs them right off.  He’s unable to stop the loud moan when he notices the slick that strings between them and your folds.  You’re drenched, and he marveled at how excited you were about him.

“Fuck, babe—” he sighs as he lowers his chest down to lie in front of your spread thighs.  Your center is weeping, slicked with your arousal and he can tell you’re desperate for friction, for anything.  “Look at this perfect fucking pussy.”

You whimper as you can feel his breath so close to where you need him.  

“Yoongi, please,” you whine.  “I’m so fucking horny.”

“I can tell,” he hums.  “Keep moaning my name like that and I’ll make sure you’re always horny and ready for me.”

He lowers his lips, hovering millimeters from your slit.  He holds it there as he watches your anguished face nearly burst at how close and yet how far he is, before he obliges you and presses into you.  

You gasp at the first swipe of his tongue on your clit.  He maintains a soft up and down motion on the nub and you’re already seeing stars.  He steadily increases the pressure and the speed, then spices it up by swirling his tongue around in different shapes, spelling out his name on your cunt with his tongue to remind you just who got you this fucking soaked.

Your legs falter and quiver as he slips his tongue deeper inside you, licking into your hole and nearly drinking you up.  He pulls back and devotes his attention to your clit and your moans turn from soft gasps and pleas to loud whines as he slips his fingers into your cunt and slowly fucks you, spreading you out.  He’s not small by any means, he feels he can get you ready to go.

“I want you to cum for me on my tongue,” he states, matter-of-factly.  “I want to feel you on my fingers.”

You nod, plucking at your own nipples with one hand as the other seeks purchase in his hair.  

“Can you do that for me, babe? Can you cum for me and get my hand nice and drenched?  I want to lick it off my fingers.”

His fingers get frantic and he splits his time between suckling and laving at your clit and encouraging you with illicit requests and praises.  

Yoongi continues, never letting up or even giving an inkling of a hint he’s tiring.  His hand works like a machine and he slips yet another finger inside your heat, making you arch off the bed.  He licks at your clit with just the right pressure, and he picks up the speed and it sends you tumbling towards your orgasm.  You feel the breath leave your lungs as it hits you, core and channel muscles squeezing him tight and legs shaking around his body.   Your moans echo off the small apartment walls, only drowned out by the sound of the fresh air-con still running.  

“Oh, my god Yoongi—” you pant.  “I’ve never cum so hard from oral in my life.”

He pulls his fingers from inside you as you come back down from your high and chuckles at your words.  True to his promise, he lets the slick glisten on his finger and marvels at it, before he’s popping the fingers into his mouth and sucking them clean.

“You taste so fucking good,” he compliments, and it makes your chest tighten and tips of your ears turn red.  “Fuck, I could eat you every fucking day.”

You smirk, still sensitive but feeling the desperate ache inside you needy for him and his thick cock.  Your legs spread open as he lays between them and you’re wiggling your hips to get his attention.

“I’m sure we could arrange something in my lease for that,” you tease.  “I could suck your cock hourly, honestly.”

He groans as he sits up between your legs, cock resting heavily on top of your mound.  It’s so close, so close to where you need it to be.  You appreciate the thick member as it rests and as Yoongi catches his breath.  It’s thick and long, on top of your mound the tip reaches to the tiny swell of your stomach.  You know you will not be able to walk tomorrow, that’s for sure.

“You’re telling me I could have been going down on you and been getting my dick sucked by the hottest girl on the planet this whole time and all I’ve done is give you shit about rent?”  

You stifle a laugh and spread your legs open wider.  “Looks like it.  We better make up for all that lost time, don’t you think?”

His cock is rigid, almost stone, and he agrees heartily.

“Fuck yeah, we should.  I’ve been dreaming about being inside you.”

He sounds so dirty, looks so sinful—it’s all so much and you’re almost begging for him to take you.

He reaches down to the pants on the floor that dropped and shimmies a condom out of his wallet.  You send him a look that he silences with a roll of his eyes.

“Every dude has one, chill,” he mumbles. “I haven’t gotten laid in like a year and a half.”  He pales as he realizes what he just said. “Not that it matters.  Or that I care. Or that you care—christ can we fuck now please?” He asks as he rolls the rubber onto his stiff cock.

You’re laughing a bit, not at him but with him, and you lean up on your elbows to kiss his lips.  “If it makes it better, I haven’t gotten laid in 3 years so I’m the loser by comparison,” you assure.

He wants to ask you how the fuck you haven’t gotten laid in that long because you’re the hottest god damn person he thinks he’s ever seen, but he realizes he doesn’t care and that it works out in his favor because Yoongi doesn’t like competition.

“Looks like the landlord needs to fix yet another problem of yours,” he winks as he lines himself up.  You lean back onto the pillows and sigh as you feel the touch of his head right at the opening of your slit.

In one slow motion, he slides himself to the hilt. It’s tight, so fucking tight even after one orgasm, and Yoongi nearly hollers at the feel.  He’s sure his eyes are rolling back in his head.  It’s warm and tight and wet and even through a condom he’s in absolute bliss.  He’s hoping one day he can try it without—fuck you raw and stuff you full of his cum.  

He’s still inside you, and after a moment to breathe and adjust to the thick girth of him, you’re whining.  “Yoongi, fuck me, I need you so fucking bad.”

A feral groan leaves his lips, and he’s off, beginning a pace that has him hoarse from moaning in no time.  He’s never felt so good inside a cunt before, never understood how some men could do crazy shit for ‘magic pussy’, but now he gets it—he realizes he’d probably do some dumb things for a chance to be inside you again.

“Oh, yeah—” you whine. “S-shit, you’re so fucking big, Yoongi.  Fuck me nice and deep.”

“Mmm, yeah? You want me to bruise your cervix? Want me to make this cunt remember my fucking cock?”  He thrusts harder, pushing into you with diligent speed and intensity.  “Gonna make sure you can never cum from another cock again, only mine.”

You’re losing your breath with how hard he’s fucking into you, both your moans and pants coming out in quick little bursts between his thrusts.

“Y-y-yes! Yo-o-ongi! Right there!”  He hits a spot that feels so good, and you feel the pull towards orgasm tighten.

“God—you feel so. fucking. good.” he emphasizes with a thrust. “Need to feed your tiny pussy my dick every day, hm?  Needy little cunt needs my thick cock.”

Tears form in your eyes.  The depths he reaches inside you nearly scrambles your brains—you forget everything that isn’t Yoongi and his perfect thickness spearing inside you.

“Yoongi! Gonna c-cum!”

He goes harder, becomes rabid for your second orgasm and wants to feel the way you squeezed his fingers on his cock, knowing the channel will feel even impossibly tighter.

“That’s right, good girl,” he praises while he maintains a punishing pace.  “Let me see you cum on this cock, baby, wanna see that pretty little pussy all creamy for me.”

His thumb rubs at your clit, moving it in circular motions, and diverts his eyesight between watching your full tits bounce and your lips open and close in pure bliss.  You’re the definition of fucked out and Yoongi feels a surge of testosterone at the sight—knowing he was responsible.

“O-oh! Th-there!” You’re frantic and he can tell you’re right on the edge.  He goes even faster, deeper and harder, and it’s the final straw.  You’re catapulted off the edge and thrown headfirst into your orgasm.   As he suspected, your perfect cunt pulsates around him like a fist and he’s groaning and stuttering as it triggers his own release.  

It takes a few moments for both of you to come down, before he pulls his softening cock from within you and disposes of the condom.  You’re breathing hard, and he’s smiling at the sheen of sweat on your body.

“Good thing I got that AC fixed today, hm?” He asks as he leans over to kiss at your lips.

You grin and pull him down to lay next to you, snuggling into his body.  He holds onto you and kisses your head.  He feels a level of contentment he’s never felt before.

You break the silence. “Now, as the landlord’s girlfriend, do I get any special perks? Like you’ll throw the utilities into my rent? Free cable?”

He chuckles against your forehead. “Not a fucking chance, babe.”

© ppersonna - 2020 - do not repost on any site, or translate without express permission from author.

[garrothromeave]

the hell is mystreet season 6??

(warning, long post ahead)

ok so before i start this

1) ive never posted shiiiit on tumblr before so watch me suffer, im just here to talk about stuff that my friends who dont know anything about aphmau have to listen to me rant about for hours on end

2) i havent seen mystreet in like years (except season 3, i watch that frequently since im laurance and shadow knight deprived) so please bear with me because i might be completely wrong on this lol. it’s just like, pointing out things i remember

3) im sure someones already talked about this but who cares

4) im gonna do this stupid thing where i just explain myself a bit at first, if you dont want to read that just skip to the part where you see “the actual thingy:” in bold and italics 

5) mild disclaimer; i am completely aware that jessica is not a professional writer. i know that she did her best to appeal to her fans, and honestly, respect for that. while this post will come off as aggressive and probably look like hate, that’s not my intention in the slightest. it’s just... intense criticism. im sure y’all probably already know that, but yeah, just stating that anyways. i do believe that jess is doing her best, and in no way do i want to dismiss any hard work she’s done. that being said; prepare for a very strongly opinionated post.

haha watch there be 10000+ typos in this making me look like a complete dumbass

ok here we go 

one of the main reasons i stopped watching aphmau back in 2017 was the mess that was season 4. like, in the first few episodes of the emerald secret, i thought “woah!! this is kinda cool, im a sucker for mystery!” because of course i was, it was something new and something exciting. the only problem i had with it at the time was kim, but that’s just because i always found her annoying and out of place. i just didn’t understand why garroth dragged her along and honestly i still don’t to this day BUT, moving on.

anyways, as the season progressed, 13 year old me was of course just “:0!!” the entire time--that is, up until the reveal of the main villain. i remember watching the episode, seeing the reveal of ein, and then stopping. like, just for a quick break, but i was still just overwhelmingly disappointed. like, and this was the time when pdh was airing and ein just got made alpha (i think?) and i had really really liked eins character in pdh. either way, that really sucked and actually opened my eyes to a lot of things.

one of the main things bein’ the fact that this was supposed to be a slice of life kinda series that decided to take a turn to a more edgy kinda approach. which, i guess i regularly wouldnt mind? but seeing as mcd was kinda bein neglected at the time it just didnt sit right with me. BUT WHATEVER, point is i stopped watching mystreet all together at the end of season 4.

like, a whole year later my brother tells me that shit’s getting intense in season 5 + 6 of mystreet, and my brilliant self decided to give it a shot--but i refused to watch all of season 5, so i only stepped in when ein made an appearance. so whenever that was, that’s where i picked up because i didnt care enough to see 

and y’know--i honestly didn’t hate it at first. in fact, i found it oddly cool. it wasn’t enough to get me into aphmau again, but it was enough to where i was intrigued. i dont know why, but i never watched the finale, so i didnt see the ending until just a few weeks ago--but back then, i thought it was neat. looking back on it however... im just so confused. 

side note: only got back into aphmau this time around because of mcd. mainly because like, i adore the first season and the first half of the second season. and being nearly 18 now, im a lot more appreciative of plot and well-written characters n junk. 

the actual thingy:

ok back on track. imma stop spilling out my story of how i got back into aphmau, and lets just skip to what rewatching mcd made me realize of season 6′s plot and shit:

-emmalyn. how the fuck does ghost even remotely exist? if she’s emmalyn as claimed, then why have we already seen emmalyn in the mystreet universe alive? look i get that creators can do whatever they want with their stories but at the same time please provide some sort of explanation good god. and maybe they did and i just havent seen it, so if there is one--let me know. but until that day imma just sit here confused as fuck

-ok so imma just be real, the whole ‘ultima’ thing is just... not great. in my opinion, anyways. like... i saw someone mention this in another post, but if this ultima stuff was like, a really big deal, why isnt it mentioned in mcd? though i suppose since its a curse of sorts, it could be later on past the time period in which mcd takes place--but even then, how did it manage to make its way into aaron’s family bloodline? 

-WHY IS EVERYONE AT STARLIGHT ITS JUST SO CONVINIENT like what happened to this place being the most expensive shit on the planet or whatever, and how the gang happens to run into like, the werewolf trio and blaze and kai and guy and nate all of these people like god damn life doesnt WORK LIKE THAT 

-im sorry but turning people into relics? thats... thats the best you could come up with? plus, like, how does that even work? in mcd it’s established that relics are separate entitles that choose their wielder, based on a ‘personal’ connection (being a descendent of a previous wielder) or if they’re a good match personality and (i think?) moral wise. so the whole turning-people-into-relics doesnt make much sense to be honest. 

-irene really over here using her god powers to only keep her friends alive like god damn not a great god if you ask me 

-can i talk about how incredibly predictable aphmaus death was? like i just kinda sat there waiting for it to happen and when it did i literally went “haha! wonder when she’ll be revived” because god forbid we actually kill off characters 

-when aphmau + demon warlock fought in the irene dimension there was no passage of time whatsoever in the real world whiiiiiiiiich really bothers me because they fought in there for at least a few minutes

-speaking of aphmau and the demon warlocks fight does it bother anyone else that it had to be aaron who took over the fight?? like we get it hes the big protector blah blah blah but god damn it wouldve been cooler if aphmau had fought this battle as her. aaron fighting this battle was so underwhelming

-...love. like, thats the only thing thats needed to break out of a forever potion? love? LIKE YEAH, GOOD GUYS GOTTA WIN SOMEHOW, but its just so cliche and overdoneeee

-oh yeah and also when travis went bonkers and became the demon warlock or whatever, why’d he only take over katelyn and garroth?? like, zane had been influenced by the potions in the past as well? DONT GET ME WRONG--i do love some good brother edge, but uh, the demon warlock was just bein kinda a dumbass by not possessing zane too just sayin’

-can aaron please go to fucking jail for mass murder now like holy shit, he just got sent home on a fuckin boat. also why did blaze forgive him for killing him thats not even remotely realistic. then again, nothing in mystreet has ever been realistic when it comes to characters and motives and personalities, (cough katelyn being actually abusive and travis being an actual pervert) but yknow whatever

-katelyn and kawaii chan literally added nothing to the plot whatsoever. like lets be real, katelyn lost her personality the moment season 5 started and kawaii chan just kinda sits there :I

-ok im sorry this was bound to come up but cmon guys imagine laurances potential if he was in season 6 like god damn this is beyond maddening. AND YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A REALLY REALLY COOL PARRALLEL?? IF IT WAS LAURANCE WHO SNAPPED GARROTH OUT OF HIS MIND CONTROL THING, because it would mimic laurance’s speech to get garroth to snap out of his rage in season 1, episode 100 of minecraft diaries. like how fuckin rad would that have been? missed opportunity 

-also?? why does kim/ghost know magicks?? like, if i remember correctly, emmalyn is a scholar--not someone who knew magicks. i mean, i guess research? study?? but its been established that knowing how magicks works =/= being able to use magicks. i dunno, just doesnt seem right i guess. maybe its explained, i wouldnt know (yes i know that makes me look like a dick leave me alone)

-melissa should have stayed dead. LIKE, NO, ITS NOT AS SIMPLE AS “haha it takes more than a few bullets to kill me”??? look ive got nothing wrong with melissa (cough lie cough) but yknow it would have just been cool a character... stay dead? for once? its just too fuckin cliche that shes alive god damn

-can i also just say the only good thing that came out of season 6 was travis’ dads sacrifice like damn that made me actually sad

-howww was lucinda turned into a relic. or yknow, anyone else? like im sure they explain it better in the actual show i just dont remember, but its just that easy? turning anyone into a relic? granted, a normal person wouldnt be able to produce a good relic, but idk man. IM JUST SAYING; that the only really powerful relics that aphmau should have been able to wield is the one that aaron + zane produced because shad relic and esmund relic moment. lucinda isnt even like, connected to a divine warrior. ALSO, another point, if its seriously that powerful of a relic getting one from just a magic user like lucinda, why go through the trouble? i mean i guess ofc youd want the “all powerful” one that the ultima produces but i mean damn whats the point

-ok this is just going to bother me but in one of the episodes (i think might have been in season 5 actually) where that like, guardian dude was chasing aphmau and zane and at one point they split up and the dude just chuckles at zane diverting paths and goes under his breath “youre not the important one here”, suggesting that aphmau somehow is? first of all, id argue that any ro’meave is significantly more important than aphmau was, especially not knowing much about her other than that shes with aaron. i might be missing some bits an pieces, but if i was that dude id forget about aphmau and go after zane 

-killing off derek for shock factor sucked, and i know the moment was supposed to be really sad because like “oh :( aarons dad is sacrificing himself for his son” but lets be real dereks still was a shitty father and i dont think his reasons for doing what he did was very good at all

-less about plot or more like: why the absolute fuck did the gang bring kim along instead of, oh i dont know, a life-long friend? like, laurance or dante maybe?? im sure its explained, i never saw aphmaus year or most of season 5, but god DAMN id hate to be apart of this friend group AND GOD LIKE, imagine reconnecting with an old friend who ends up getting closer to your best friends and taking priority in their lives over you (cough laurance) like god damn lol

-im just going to preface this one with: i dont remember everything that’s happened, so if im wrong i apologize in advance--but (you actually can correct me if im wrong and please do) didnt like, irene reincarnate her friends in order to give them better lives? I DONT KNOW IF THIS IS TRUE, ITS JUST WHAT I REMEMBER--however, if im correct, then:

a. why the hell would she bring back someone like zane, or gene, or ivy, etc.

b. why the hell do they all have the same exact names? first and last? again, im aware that the whole mystreet+mcd tie wasn’t originally supposed to be there, but i dont think that means such a coincidence can be excused? its just a bit much if you ask me.

c. why the hell is the fact that (as much as i literally hate this) aaron is a decedent of shad being ignored? like, you’d think that something like this would be something thats actually important, or something the demon warlock couldve taken advantage of. or are we completely erasing every other connections to divine warriors besides aphmau + irene? because even if irene did reincarnate them or do whatever it is she did, does she even have the power to sever the connections between them and their ancestors? my guess is, no.

d. speaking of irene why on earth was aphmau able to talk to/see irene, they’re literally the same person are they not? did she like, fuckin reincarnate herself without actually doing it?? BUT--i will give it to them, the demon warlock did refer to aphmau as something along the lines of being ���one of the 3 parts of her broken soul” or something like that. however, my point still remains. also what are the other two did i miss that or is it never explained

now; if irene in fact did not ‘reincarnate’ her friends then please ignore that little bit right there :)

but yes, those are a few of the problems i have with season 6 off the top of my head. i would go into like, season 4 and 5 more as well, but i honestly didnt feel like it. at some point i might go into other things, like how important laurance could have been to the plot of these later seasons, or HELL, even dante. i might also go into what could have made season 4, 5, and 6 actually good--maybe... a rewrite? perhaps? but im getting too far ahead of myself, so i just leave you with this for now.

and i know that as soon as i post this 15 more things are just going to pop into my head BUT im going to try and not edit this post because why stress myself with that even more

anyways thank you for coming to my tedtalk 

[dog-teeth]

Cw/ self harm scars

I used to self harm when i was 12-16. I had a tgerapist at the time but didnt know how to talk about it / want to stop. I have scars all up all sides of my arm and forearm, and covering my entire thighs. It really upsets me becuase id like to wear short sleeves. Any tips on wccepting your body / any way to rem ou ve them? :( honestky my life is really going welll rn but i just fant get out of this awful mood bc of my arms

under the cut 4 people who don’t wanna see my long reply !

yes i understand, i self harmed starting when i was 12 and ending only within the past few years (unfortunately, as it is an addiction, i do still deal with the strong impulse to relapse even though i’ve been clean for years, but that’s another story entirely)

my journey to being able to exist publicly with self harm scars was honestly a lot of just pretending like it didn’t bother me, and learning to get used to it. when i was 16-17 i worked a job in a kitchen which required short sleeves, so i didn’t have a choice and had to get used to having my arms showing in front of my coworkers. but around 17-18 was when i finally started truly healing from depression (obvs this is a process that will last a lifetime but it was certainly a turning point for me) and i realized that i actually wanted to be happy and wanted to live my life, and that having to hide my body was holding me back. this stuff is also intrinsically related to my transness and other body issues, but self harm scars are specifically difficult to deal with because they’re a very visceral reminder of the years i spent as a child being deeply suicidal and miserable.

it still makes me sad to look at my body sometimes, and to have your heart break just by looking at your own body is a despair beyond words, and it’s something i’ve felt a lot in my life in a lot of different ways. but ultimately at that point where i decided i wanted to get better, i knew that recovery would mean accepting my body and not hiding it. i just had to teach myself to not give a fuck by pretending that i didn’t give a fuck.

it genuinely just took time to get used to, and a lot of fake confidence. i had to pretend that it didn’t bother me, and i had to try not to think about it, because if i thought about other people seeing my scars i wouldn’t be able to go outside with them showing. still, if i think too hard about it, i start feeling weird. but the longer i spent forcing myself to do it, the less work it took to avoid those thoughts, and the less it bothered me. also, as time went on, i became more separated from the point in my life that those scars came from. the metaphorical wounds became less raw and more healed, i started to become more happy and okay with being alive and being in my body, and along the way i just accepted that my body will always always carry the physical marks of my painful past.

it also just took a lot of reminding myself that the people i love already know about that part of me, and i don’t care about the judgement of the strangers who see my scars, so it doesn’t really matter who sees.

in general it was just a lot of time, which eased the residual pain or that time in my life and i got more used to going through this. and just affirming to myself every time i started to get weirded out by my scars showing that i’m in a better place now, i’m safe, i don’t care if people see my scars. the more you do it the easier it gets.

i won’t lie, it still sucks, i wish i could remove them, i wish everyone i meet wouldn’t instantly know about my trauma, but the more time i’ve spent mentally healing and growing in confidence, the easier it has become.

[fallingfor-fics]

Teachers Pet-chapter 19: the universe

All chapters

chapter 18

Nothing crazy happened in DADA today and I was heading to potions with Draco, we were going over the properties of Amortentia in hopes to brew it perfectly with no mishaps. I was also a bit worried, I was aware that the way it smells is different for each person, and I was afraid to find out what mine smelt like. We walked into class and took our seats, still quizzing each other on each step. 

The bell rang and everyone was seated waiting for instructions. "Open your books to page 324 and begin prepping your tables as usual, all the ingredients are here and you know where your supplies are, get started and let me know if you have any questions, please do not make me have to take my time to clean up any messes." he said coldly and sat back down in his chair. I went up and got the cauldron and our ingredients. "Ok Y/n would you like to do the honors and I'll stir it this time?" Draco asked smiling "If you really trust me then yes" I said laughing, I worked on this for so long with Snape so I should be able to do it perfectly! I just needed to focus and not overthink it, it was a simple potion and if Draco can do it, so can I. I added peppermint flowers and leaves, powdered moonstone, and Draco stirred between each teaspoon, I then sprinkled in the rose thorns and placed in the Ashwinder eggs. Draco watched closely as I did so making sure I was getting everything correct. After letting it sit we uncovered it and stirred it counterclockwise and it took on its pearl sheen. I smiled wide and refrained from jumping up and down. "Hell yes" I whispered to Draco "We did it!" he said high fiving me. I looked up at Snape and we made eye contact. I motioned to the cauldron and smiled, to which he returned with a very small faint one and turned back to his work. I felt butterflies again and a sense of joy that I succeeded for him again.

"Ok now take a whiff Y/n'' Draco said, "What? no you first" I said afraid of what may happen. "Ok ok fine." he leaned over and took in a light sniff, I looked at him expectantly, "Well?" I questioned looking at him thinking of what it smelt like "Hmm it smells sweet like warm cookies and pumpkin juice" he said with a confused look, "ha you know who likes pumpkin juice?" I said teasing, "Who?" he questioned seriously trying to figure out who it was, "Harry" I said smiling. "Oh buzz off Y/n It certainly does not smell like Potter, that's absolutely revolting" he said a little too defensive, I shrugged my shoulders and giggled, "Your turn! Better hope it doesn't smell like Filch!" he said trying to tease me like I did him, I cringed at the idea and leaned over the cauldron I took a deep breath preparing myself, I closed my eyes and took in a small whiff, "Well what do you smell?" Draco said, waiting. I opened my eyes and took it in, "Um, just pine trees and rain" I said lying, I took another whiff and the scent of old leather shoes, parchment, and firewhiskey filled my nose, I closed my eyes once more taking it in and letting it linger, "I'm gonna use the restroom" I said to Draco, walking past Snape not bothering to ask and exiting the class, I quickly walked outside, shaking hands and began to take deep breaths, counting to ten and doing everything in my power to keep the tears that brimmed at the edges of my eyes in. I can't. I couldn't deal with this right now, none of this made any sense. A hot tear ran down my cheek and I quickly swiped it away. No not right now, not here. I closed my eyes shut and the smell lingered in my brain. How could this be possible? I leaned over my hands on my face, trying to slow my heart back down. How could it smell like him?

"Mr. Malfoy where did Ms. L/n just run off too?" Snape asked, noticing she darted from the room. "She said she had to use the restroom, I'm guessing it was an emergency." Draco stated. "Yes, well pour the potion into a vial and get to cleaning up" he ordered the boy and walked out of his room.

I looked to the sky again wanting to scream at the universe. Of all the people in the world. There had to be something wrong with the potions? Or my nose? There's no possible way this was real? I mean there's no way he's- I began crying at the thought that the one person for me was the one person I couldnt have. "This was just supposed to be some silly little crush and now I've just found out my whole future" I sighed to myself. I refuse to believe it, I must have it mistaken, I mean lots of people probably smell like this, its very popular scents. I thought as I wiped my tears, the pressure was getting to me and I couldn't help it. There was a light mist falling and my hair grew a tad frizzy and my skin damp. "Ms. L/n what's going on?" I stood up straight at the sound of his voice. No. why is he out here what's he doing? "Nothing, I'm fine I'll be back in a minute" I said, trying my best to sound like I hadn't been crying. Now wasn't the time I needed him here to comfort me, I wanted more than anything to run and hug him and let him hold me in his arms, but the thoughts of what this all meant were reminding me of why I couldnt and why I'd never be able to. "Did Mr. Malfoy say something?" he pressed on "What? No, I said I'm fine" I said sniffling quietly and still not turning to look at him, "You can't just run out of class Y/n, what happened?" he said in a more stern but soft voice walking closer to me. "I just needed some air, that's all I felt l-lightheaded" I said, tears forming again as I thought about the scent that was now growing closer to me. "Do you need to go to the infirmary?" he asked, slowly growing closer. "No, I'm fine" I said thinking about what the hell I'm going to do with this information. I mean what does this mean? Am I gonna be alone? Will it change once these feelings pass and I can find someone else? I knew the answers to these, but I wasn't going to accept there was nothing I could do.

"Y/n tell me what's the matter?" he said putting his hand on my arm and turning me to face him, I looked down tears still flowing down my face, this situation was becoming all too familiar. Why did we keep finding ourselves here? "Y/n." he said, wanting me to spill my heart out like id done in the tower, but I wasn't going to, I couldn't, "Y/n come on." he said in a calm tone. I looked up to him wiping my tears and then looked off to the side. "I can't, it's none of your business." I said in a calm but stern tone. "You said we were friends right? So tell me what troubles you or else I may need to inform Albus." he said, not taking his gaze from me. I looked up at him "Are you going to continue to threaten me with my godfather everytime I dont tell you something?" I said upset he was using this factor against me, "As long as it works yes" he said with a slight smirk. "When you brew Amortentia what do you smell?" I asked looking at him in his eyes, they flashed with a sense of regret and he looked away for a moment "I don't see how that matters?" he said looking back at me. "Well when I did it, I smelt the same someone I was troubled over at the tower, and I'm not sure what kind of sick joke the universe keeps playing, but i'm not gonna be able to withstand the...humiliation any longer.'' I spat out getting more frustrated and another tear falling. He sighed and looked at me, "No don't say anything, I need to get back to class, just pretend this never happened ok?" I said wiping my tears and looking up at him. His hair was lightly dusted with mist and his face looked sadder than normal, he looked empathetic and concerned, his skin beautifully painted with the damp water and his dark eyes clear through the mist. He looked so handsome. I walked past him and headed back inside not wanting to risk him reading my thoughts and picking up on my emotions and what was causing them.

   Draco didnt question anything and after class I went to visit Albus before dinner. I needed family right now and some of his wise words. I waited outside his office and it opened up. I walked in and was greeted by the kind old man. "Ahh evening dear, how are you?" he said smiling as I just silently walked over and hugged him, "Oh whats wrong my child? Bad day?" I laughed lightly and let go, he sat down in his chair, hands crossed as I paced back and forth. "You could say that." I said sarcastically. "We brewed Amortentia in potions today" I said slowly walking around his office. "Oh and how did that go?" he said innocently, I know he knows everything, so I know he knows I didn't have the easiest time. "I just feel like the whole universe is against me you know?" I asked laughing. "Yes I'm aware of the feeling" he said smiling still. I went and sat down, my feet draped over the arm of the chair. "Is it possible someones cursed me?" I said looking at him. "Possible, but unlikely" he said offering me a lemon drop. I took it and popped it in my mouth. "Well if karmas real, what did I do to deserve this punishment?" I questioned looking up at the ceiling. "Well what happened that you believe is a punishment?" he asked patiently. I looked at him and swung my legs back over to face him. "I smelled the potion, and it told me that i'm never gonna be happy" I said shrugging "Do smells talk to you often y/n? He said grinning through his half moon spectacles. "Haha you know what I mean." "Well how can you be certain? Is the person dead?" he asked looking at me. "No" I said in a small tone. "Is the person in Azkaban?" I looked at him noticing what he was doing "Nooo." He placed his hands on his desk and leaned forward a bit, "then how can you be sure?" he questioned. I pondered for a moment, "You don't understand, I literally can't be with this person, they'd never feel the same, and it just won't work." I said sighing, "Well the universe is never against you my dear, it may feel so, but everything that happens, no matter good or bad, happens for a reason. And the universe has a plan, so if it wanted you to know your person is easily accessible, for lack of better words, then it would have. Never underestimate its powers." I listened deeply and took in everything he said. "So you're saying it is possible this may not be as irrational as it seems?" I said still confused "Im saying its more than possible." I smiled up at him and walked around his desk hugging him. "Thank you" I said smiling and waving as I headed to leave for dinner.

[ccsthemovie2]

trick or treat 2021 letter

DEAR MY KIND AND HARDWORKING GIFTER,

hi there my ao3 is zagspect and thanks in advance for making me a piece of fic or art in this fun little exchange! heres some food for thought to munch on.

i loooove slice of life, character moments, outsider povs that make things we’re used to in canon seem absurd or funny or weird or scary, humor, horror-in-fluff’s-clothing, sweetness-found-in-horror, and also just plain sweetness. feel free to get weird or experimental with your writing if you think the moment calls for it :3 im not really requesting anything sexy-nsfw in this exchange so pls keep things down to a nice pg13 (high-rated gore for higurashi work is an exception, lol, like, it’s when they cry. that’s just part of the deal.)

🌸✨

cardcaptor sakura (trick or treat!)

clear card manga spoilers are fine with me! manga and anime canon are both fine, and mashing them up is cool too. no aus past that though, please!

clow reed

the big man himself! scare me with his his manipulative tendencies, his eternal pushpull fear of both being eternally relied on and being no longer needed, the way he treats other people, especially people who love him. (yue! the madoushi! i am into both of these being unrequited romantically on his end, but he’s not gonna just gonna tell them that, you think he’s straightforward like that?) what’s daily life like in the clowse? creating a new card, what’s that like? does everybody get along with the normal, non magic neighbors? 

yelan li

what’s up with her??? what’s her relationship with her children like, what are the responsibilities of a magician family’s head, how weird is it that clow is kind of back all of a sudden, what’s her thoughts on sakura? fleshing out a minor character is always fun :]

eriol & li

okay, so, we get to the end of the original series. syaoran returns to hong kong. ????????. syaoran is in cahoots with eriol to (vaguely alluding to cc spoilers in case you haven’t caught up in the manga), do some pretty serious magic behind sakura’s back.

so, like... what went down in the ?????

kero & sakura & yue 

they’re FAMBILYYYYY. magic found family i love them so much. show me the depths of their care for her, and hers for them, the way there’s absolutely some ice to break with yue but when he gets loyal he will DIE for you, the way sakura can mend the rift between kero and yue, the way the two of them are balancing this wonderful openness and equality with oh yeah, she’s eleven, we kind of said some seriously dark stuff in the haze of sleepover talk didn’t we? 

ruby & spinel & eriol 

pre-canon or mid-canon or post-canon! what’s the dynamic between them, a quiet night in, a day out telling people that you’re connected by whatever lie you find funniest. going to tomoeda and having to pretend youre a kid, a teen, and a cat, but goddd you could all go for an elegant and adult glass of wine right now (especially the cat). what horrors are lurking in that house from the clow era that no one cares to address? like emotionally and also because it’s a magic wizard house with magic stuff in it. 

touya/yukito/yue 

i am here for any and all angles of this ship- all together, your touyukis, your yuetouyas, your yuekitos if you wanna get in on a rarely seen angle! (but pls have touya and/or yukito be 18+ at a time where yue shows interest in them). i wanna see the way they interact! how they deal with, you know, the everything! pre-relationship pining, going on a date, touya and yukito in college wondering if they’ll end up having different majors, different paths for the first time. yukito seeing yue on video for the first time (OH NO HES HOT), yukito and yue figuring out internal boundaries, etc etc etc.  

naoko and touya 

the girl who loves ghosts and the guy who sees (or, used to see), ghosts! does she follow him to one of his haunts (pun intended)? does he have to go to her for ghost sensing advice now that he’s a regular old human? does he have to save her from a ghost that means her harm? how excited is she to tell sakura about the COOL GHOST I MET WITH YOUR BROTHER OMG U DIDNT TELL ME HE LIKES GHOSTS??? and how much does sakura wanna sink into the ground lololol

🌹⚔️

revolutionary girl utena (trick or treat!)

ohh, what a place of scary happenings! tell me a fairytale, even if it’s not such a good idea. pre, mid, postcanon, im fine with it all. feel free to weave a web with easter egg references to any other media you feel is right for the moment- utena is all about Genre and Stories!

shadow girls 

i love them i love their whole everything. i wanna see a play, i wanna see them interact with other characters! what if they do a play AS the other characters, ooooh.

anthy/utena 

THE GIRLS WHO INVENTED LOVE THEMSELVES. ive read a thousand stories of them finding each other and it never gets old. id love to read about their life post-ohtori, especially the not-so-happily-ever-after parts- the old wounds reopening, the fights, and how they work through it, wont lose each other ever again. 

saionji/touga

what’s spookier than toxic masculinity? both of them miserably stuck, saionji obsessed with touga, touga believing anyone who believes in friendship is a fool. bro we are taking shirtless pictures among 500 potted cacti....why does my heart hurt..... oh shit its the cactus i rolled onto it ow ow

nanami

nanami being nanami! she’s got no clue how to act ever, she’s desperate, she’s trying SO HARD. i’d love to see a nanami finally getting out of there, too. leaving home with nothing but the clothes on her back, diamonds in her necklace, and a wheeled suitcase of raw eggs.... (crunch crunch crunch)

🎲🗓

higurashi when they cry (trick or treat!)

i’m a gou/sotsu enjoyer and gonna prompt about that a lot but original flavor is, of course, great too. pls dont go too heavy on info outside the main 8+saikoroshi+gou/sotsu? i haven’t read those. ive read umineko+ciconia though so references there are fine :3

rena/mion/keiichi

college days! getting together, crushing on each other, poly relationship figuringouts? dates that are just club meetings with kissing and all the ridiculousness of that.

satoko/rika

gou/sotsu era TOXIC LESBIAN EPIC MOMENTS!!!!!! obsession and desperation and satoko putting all her emotional eggs in rika’s basket no matter how angry she is with her, rika’s love for satoko across 100 years and how that all crumbles (to satoko) in the face of rika’s Cool School. rika wanting satoko to go to school with her so so so bad. deep pain and misunderstandings and acting badly (like, murder badly), and then, we hope, atonement and something new beginning? i love character moments where someones so obsessively in love it feels like its eating them up inside.

rena & satoko

look, rena’s smart and really pays attention to how people feel and i think, before or after satoko becomes a looper but especially after, she would make an attempt to have a heart to heart with satoko. and satoko, as a looper, will politely brush her off, will go you dont know me you can’t affect me. youre just a chess piece. when i get to the miracle world where rika loves me, ill listen to you. this you is here to die, or to kill. 

eua

oh eua is just using satoko up like a bar of soap and it takes satoko way, way too long to realize. evil girltalk/crush advice from the witchmom perhaps?

shion

meakashi made me LOVE her. internal shion moments, perhaps? shion being an empath (decides what ppl are thinking and instantly believes it)? shion in gou-era wanting to talk to satoko about st. lucia’s, but she never shows up to dinner?

okay i think that’s all for now!!! thanks and i hope you have fun!!!

[strawberryspeachy]

My mom always used to say that it was good that we had mice - because it meant that we didnt have rats.

My family told this story over and over about my uncle waking up and finding a rat on his bed - it was when he decided he really needed to move

I was thinking about how the time we left, i heard rats in the walls.... just sliding down the fucking wall. And id bang on it to make them go away. For a moment i remembered it as just normal

But it wasnt. Most of my life at my house, we didnt have rats. And i was mortified when they showed up

But i just... got used to it. It bothered me... and i didnt like seeing them in the kitchen at night...but i just.... dealt with it

A hole appeared on my ceiling in the last couple years - it was the size of a the ink in a pen. My mother kept spilling stuff and it would pour into my room. I was fighting with her over it.

She broke everything that wasnt broken in the house. I started taping up the walls and the floors to keep the wolf spiders in the basement and out of rooms that i sat in

I was terried to clean the house because i knew at any moment a giant spider could come running out of where i was cleaning

The animals pissing and shitting everywhere could be changed if people didnt allow them. Shit being caked into the floorboards could be changed in my grandfather gave a fuck.

I can never show ppl the horrors that i saw because i never took pictures. I just got sick it was every few months and immediately started to clean. I didnt want to prolong the experience or resentment by taking pictures...

I didnt want to leave that house. It was my home. It will always be my home.

My creepy smelly haunted ancient falling apart infested home.

The toilets were like the first plumbing ever made when we moved in. There was black seaweed like stuff swimming at the bottom. It would overflow everytime you flushed it and pour through the living room ceiling...

he windows were disgusting and dirty and they didnt stay up on theirg own

My rooms floor was seperating from the wall. There was cat litter behind the radiator that no matter how hard i cleaned - i coildnt get - a reminder of my 18 year old cats habbits

The back door was broken. My mom put plastic on it which the cats ripped open to jump through like a doggy door - scaring the life out of me. The glass door past it didnt shut - my mom tied a leash to it and kept it closed that way. It would swing open with the wind and creek.

The ghosts scared me

The sheds were falling apart

The barn had carpenter bees

The hayfeild was next to the turnpike and two other major roads... it was loud and there was no privacy

The third feild was mostly marshland

The property was full of poisonous plants that could paralyze you and picky weeds that burned if they touched you. The small little feild at the bottom always had too many bees

The backyard sloped

But there was so much beauty. Though the crick was drying up from the houses built on the other side of the hill - i remembered the ducks and filling up water buckets and daydreaming in the tree above. Trying to get accross the rocks and my dog drinking. The big stream where i went swimming and once saw a lobster. The feild was open - multiflora rose gone to the hungry goats over the years. The trees that used to be apple trees where i sat and ate till i was full and the spot where my favorite one stood - where my mom and i had picnics.

That feeling from the back feild tbat felt like true serenity and the cool sheild from the summer heat beneath the congested bit of pine trees.

I remember my trecks down the crick - trying to jump from rock to rock

And the time i tried to stand on the ice where the marsh was - enjoying watching my family ice skate before falling and hurting my head

The quiet snowy nights that i sled down the hayfeild with my aunt

The warm fluffy feeling of a barn FULL of animals.

The sheds that alternated as storage or more room for more animals.

The path i used to take up to the barn before everything on the path fell apart

Id walk around and find peices.... things.... that my mom, me, or someone in my family had set down.... not knowing that it would never be picked up again

Our animal graveyard.... because we loved them so much...

The reminince where the big light used to shine over the ducks and backyard - when we had night parties with candles and tents and all the normal stuff a family has

The back of the house leading to the basement where my first dog used to live and my personal garden leading up to it

The dog yard with the table - the first place i played with my greatgrandmothers dog before we moved into the house

The comfort of my parking lot - knowing that im finally home

Driving to the top of the hill before getting there and looking down on my property- the send setting over the lake so beautifully.

My house was in ruins.... all my momories were there. All the love.... you could find peices of it everywhere

So i was just thinking.... how there were rats in my walls... but they ended up being just an annoying addition that i didnt put much thought into

Because id put up with a lot to keep something i love....

And idk what to do about it. Without my pets it was already hard. Watching everything i knew and loved break fall apart and be abandoned... was hard for a number of years. The place doesnt mean so much witout my animals and family - all the love that made it was a warm place. Even if i could have afforded to keep it... it wouldnt be a nice place to be alone...

But it all went so fast... just like my mom.... and i still dont know how to face that.

I always dream that im there. I always dream im with my mom.

I cant make another place full of love and warmth.... without everything and everyone that is was lost at that house....

Although its a skeliton now it still encapsulates those memories...: and while it hurt to keep remembering things that were gone... now i remember them but its not tangible

[shadowheartssimp]

pc/shadowheart (another modern au fic help) sub 3k words.

-- x -- 1:21 am - 1 new message

Xildi groggily reaches out to her buzzing phone, only a little peeved that something so easily broke her from her trance. With a sigh she gazes at the awfully bright screen and finds herself frowning before her mind can even process. She doesn’t even get to unlock her phone before another message comes in.

1:23 am - 2 new messages

Sitting up straighter, she finally unlocks her phone.

2 messages from Shadowheart

1:21am → 

hey, are you awake

1:23am → 

youre probably trancing

With a sigh, Xildi weighs her options before realizing there’s not exactly one. Her fingers move fast as she types her reply.

1:24am ← 

I’m ‘awake’ now. What’s wrong?

1:25 am →

i didnt say anything was wrong

1:26 am →

you assumed that

Xildi rolls her eyes before looking back down to her phone.

1:27 am →

anyways

Moments pass, and the elf is torn whether or not she wants to return to her trance. She wonders how pissed Shadowheart would be if she accidentally left her on read, and decides that it’s likely not worth finding out.

1:31 am ←

Shadowheart?

1:31 am ← 

You’re making it seem like something’s wrong.

Most likely because something is wrong, but getting the half-elf to admit that is half the battle. Huffing, Xildi shuffles off the bed and begins traversing to her kitchen. Might as well get a snack if she’s about to be up all night waiting for whatever is wrong with her friend. 

Her phone buzzes as she’s prepping a light snack for herself, at least signaling that Shadowheart didn’t pass out on her. Scratch wakes as well, trotting into the kitchen and wagging his tail in hopes for a midnight snack as well.

1:38 am → 

someone from the orphanage contacted me today

1:38 am → 

i didnt want to even message you but idk

1:39 am →

unfortunately you know my past

Xildi rolls her eyes, it wasn’t her fault that Shadowheart blabbed it out when she was drinking too much wine at Wyll’s party. Either way, the story did already peak her interest and Xildi found herself approaching her couch with warm toast.

1:40 am ← 

The orphanage? I thought you told them to never contact you again.

1:41 am →

i did

1:41 am →

that’s why its bothering me

Quizzically Xildi bites on her toast.

1:42 am ←

Wait… you didn’t answer? Are you telling me they called and you let them go straight to voicemail?

1:43 am → 

and? i didnt want to be reminded of that awful place

1:44 am → 

i dont want to listen to it

1:44 am →

at least alone. im coming over

Xildi blanches. She’s coming over, now? She’s hardly well dressed for visitors, practically in her underwear and hair a mess. Not to mention that the place was in an array (not really, but in her eyes it was a pigsty that couldn’t be seen by anyone else’s eyes).

1:45 am ← 

Now?! Seriously? Couldn’t you wait until morning?

1:45 am ←

Shadowheart, my place is a mess.

1:46 am →

yes. now. 

It starts processing in her head. Shadowheart doesn’t live far, perhaps 15 minutes minimum if she takes the bus, but there aren’t any at this hour. At least she’s pretty sure there’s none.  So she’s walking, that gives her probably an extra 10 minutes. Then she’s reminded of how incredibly dangerous that is to begin with -- but it’s Shadowheart and she likely doesn’t care to begin with. She grew up in this neighborhood, this is nothing!

1:48 →

i need you

Oh. Xildi knows her cheeks are warm, because never has Shadowheart ever been so forward. A heavy breath leaves her lips as she knows she has no choice now but to let her come over and likely listen to this voice mail with her. Whatever comes afterward will be another story she’s sure.

1:50 am ←

The door’s unlocked, please be safe getting here.

1:51 am →

im fine

1:52 am →

but youre sweet to worry

Frantically Xildi shoves the now cold toast into her mouth and begins cleaning at an incredible pace. She starts with the kitchen, disturbed that she even let there be dirty dishes to begin with. A few minutes later and she’s drying her hands, curiously peaking over at her phone to see if anything else has come through. Thankfully nothing and she sets off for her bedroom.

It only takes a few more minutes to tidy up before she goes back to retrieve her phone. 

1 new message from Shadowheart

2:04 am →

bitch’zel stopped me on my way. im omw now

Xildi purses her lips, it was awfully late for Lae’zel to be out and about. Now that she thinks upon it, she does recall Astarion’s door closing roughly ten minutes or so ago. Interesting. 

2:05 am ←

Any chance there’s a bus going at this hour?

2:06 am →

already ahead of you

2:06 am → 

last bus of the night… guess im staying at your place again

2:07 am ←

Glad I cleaned my room then :/

2:07 am → 

how kind! bold of you to think id actually sleep with you though

Xildi feels her heart strings pull at that one. 

2:07 am →

well…

2:08 am →

perhaps a discussion for another night

Dropping her phone onto the bed, Xildi falls back and stares up at her ceiling. She’s already on a roller coaster of emotions, she can’t imagine what must be barreling through Shadowheart at the moment. Scratch trots into her room, whining slightly before laying on the floor by the foot of her bed. 

Her phone buzzes again and she lazily reaches across her bed to find it. She doesn’t even get a chance to look at the screen before it drops on her face with a defiant thud. Groaning she picks it off her face and squints at the bright device.

2:14 am →  

or i guess you dont want to talk about it

2:14 am ←  

I do.

2:15 am → 

😤😤 good

Xildi finds herself laughing and lowers her phone onto her chest. 

2:18 am ←

Do you have an ETA?

2:19 am →

excited to see me?

2:19 am →

bout five minutes though

Xildi decides that staring aimlessly at her ceiling is her best way to waste time, not finding energy to do much else. She knows Shadowheart arrives when the door creaks open slowly, and Scratch jumps from his spot on the floor and sprints out of the room. She can hear the light grunt from the half-elf as the dog nearly knocks her over, a fragile laugh echoing the silence as claws scratch along the wooden floor.

It thankfully doesn’t take long for Scratch to settle, Xildi notes from the sudden silence. There are light steps, from both the dog and Shadowheart as they approach her room and the elf gradually rises herself into a more approachable position. Finally their eyes meet in the dim room and she can just tell how worn Shadowheart is.

“Hey,” comes lightly from Xilid as she offers a faint smile. She figures if anything she should try to be welcoming. 

Something close to a response comes from Shadowheart who sulks into the room, dropping her backpack on the way. She practically falls face first onto the bed and lets out what Xildi assumes is a much needed breath.

Tentatively, the elf places a reassuring hand on her shoulder.

“Do you want to change first?”

“I guess.”

So it was going to be a difficult night -- morning? Xildi isn’t sure anymore. Gradually Shadowheart rises from her spot and keeps her gaze away from the elf, absolutely avoiding the pressing matter on hand. The tension stays thick as she digs through her backpack and eventually pulls some sweats out.

Pointendly looking away, Xildi focuses on the ceiling once more as Shadowheart changes. A few quiet moments pass before the mattress shifts and the half elf hesitantly lays down next to her. Now two sets of eyes focus on the white popcorn.

Shadowheart is silent for a long time -- long enough that the elf fears that she has fallen asleep. Just when she’s about to ask, she hears Shadowheart say “I don’t even know if I want to hear what they have to say.”

Xildi shifts her gaze to a troubled Shadowheart who still casts her hard stare to the ceiling. “Do you think you’d be better not knowing?”

“No,” comes first, followed shortly by “I don’t know”.

Finally dark green eyes meet Xildi, ones filled with exhaustion and definitely some fear. The elf can’t help but wonder of all the horrors her friend(?) grew up with in that orphanage. “I could always listen to it, so you don’t have to.”

“And hold it against me?”

“You know I wouldn’t do that.”

Something close to a soft smile eases its way onto Shadowheart’s face, scooting closer and resting her cheek on Xildi’s shoulder. The half-elf’s phone does a light drop on her stomach, almost as an invitation before she sighs. 

Taking the hint, the elf lifts Shadowheart’s phone and goes to unlock it. Truthfully it felt wrong to be even doing that, but she figured if she didn’t there was no way in hell Shadowheart would. A light mutter from her side tells her the passcode that she already secretly knows from another drunken night, and she quickly exits her messages before seeing something she might not meant to be. 

Hell, she shouldn’t be navigating her phone to begin with. 

Her thumb taps the phone app and she feels Shadowheart tense against her, digits gripping her arm. “We could always listen to it later.”

“No,” says Shadowheart as she glares at her own phone. “I didn’t come all this way to continue ignoring it.”

With a slow nod, Xildi continues and clicks on the voicemail tab. She’s only a little surprised to see a few from Gale and Wyll, from today even, but ignores it for the sake of seeing the number sticking out like a thumb between it all. Tentatively she glances to the woman beside her, who holds a fierce look before she taps the number to play the voicemail. 

It starts casual enough, the shuffling of papers, stating who is calling and stating that they were looking for, yes indeed, Shadowheart. To this day Xildi is shocked that they truly messed up her birth certificate that badly. Just when they’re both thinking that the call is a fluke, that they’re trying to bait her back into calling without anything, they hear: “Please call us back when you can, we believe we might have found information about your parents.”

It clicks.

Shadowheart is still, terrifyingly so.

Xildi glances from the phone in her hand, to Shadowheart who is practically cuddling her side, to her white popcorn ceiling. Even she is unsure if it’s the truth or a white lie to get back in communication with her.

“I hate them,” comes quietly from Shadowheart, who’s biting so hard on her lip that blood dares to drip. “I hate them so much.”

Xildi remains quiet, completely and utterly unsure of how to proceed with this new information. A part of her feels that she shouldn’t have just heard this voicemail. She can only imagine how Shadowheart would have handled the news alone. Poorly, if she really has to guess.

Said woman exhales loudly, her grip on Xildi’s arm tightening before gradually loosening. Her breath is fragile for a moment, teetering on the edge of likely tears -- the elf doesn’t dare to look -- before mellowing out to an extent. She shifts slightly before sitting up and crossing her legs. 

“I don’t even know if I want to meet them.”

Her voice is so fragile, unlike herself, that it takes Xildi by surprise. She’s sitting up faster than she can imagine and wastes no time placing a hand over Shadowheart’s own. The very least she can do right now is be supportive. “You don’t have to any time soon.”

Briefly the half-elf tenses from the touch. “They left me there.”

“Sometimes there’s not a choice,” says Xildi with a frown, remembering her own past all too well. She wonders if her brothers are still well even after all this time. “Even so, because of that it led to us meeting, right?”

“Look at you, trying to make this positive,” scoffs Shadowheart, but the faintest of smiles shines. Their eyes lock for a few seconds and the same butterfly feeling stirs in Xildi’s stomach. “It’s crazy how one even can change everything. That orphanage was shit, but it led me to Shar -- something to believe in.”

“Are you thinking how things might’ve been different if you grew up with them?”

Shadowheart tilts her head. “My parents? A little,” pursing her lips, she gazes intently at the wall behind Xildi. “I hate that they left me in that awful place, never once tried to get in contact with me. And now I despise that the orphanage is trying to bring me back.”

“You don’t have to go, or even call back.” With a reassuring smile, Xilid takes her hand back and runs it idly through her hair. “If you’re happy where you are, why change it?”

The half elf pauses, as if Xildi’s words struck her like a bolt of lightning. Her gaze shifts from the wall to her lips, then to her eyes. “Would you change anything?”

“Me?” A bit baffled, Xildi raises a brow before shrugging it off. “A few things here and there sure, but I suppose it’s often better to let destiny take its course.”

“You think us meeting is destiny? That’s cute.”

Xildi gives Shadowheart a look, despite it all there’s something deeper that she’s not inherently saying. It gives her an inkling that somewhere inside, she’s actually agreeing with her -- and that they should continue letting it. Her heart skips in her chest, unsure whether to take the advance before she manages a response. “Do you disagree?”

A long silence fills the air, as if Shadowheart is weighing her options carefully. What is likely only a moment or two feels like an eternity, dragging on and eating away at Xildi until finally -- finally! -- the bed shifts underneath Shadowheart’s weight and the woman is sitting next to her. Polished nails gently scratch at Xildi’s fingers before resting. “No, I don’t think so. In fact…” trailing off, Shadowheart uncharastically fails to meet Xildi’s gaze. “I think you should let it take its course, right now.”

Oh.

Mustering up all of her courage, Xildi leans forward and lifts her free hand, cupping one of Shadowheart’s cheeks. Her skin is warm and soft against her cool hands, a dull reminder of how chilly she prefers to keep her room. Her heart is pounding against her chest as she leans closer. She can see all of her eye lashes, how they begin to flutter nervously, and the dark hues of green in Shadowheart’s eyes. 

Her breath catches, perhaps the other’s too, before she sets her mind on it. Her chest practically explodes as she timidly presses her lips against Shadowheart’s, a full eruption of emotions consuming her as she suddenly gasps for air. How she frees her other hand to cup her other cheek, the need to feel incredibly close to her rising as her heart continues to pound. 

Shadowheart chuckles against her lips, the hot breath tickling her lips as she finds herself smiling. It’s not long before she goes again, parting her lips just enough to ensnare the half-elf’s lower lip. To feel how soft and full hers are against her own, the warmth that comes to her cheeks, face -- hell, her stomach too. All overwhelming but wonderful at the same time. She wasn’t aware how much she was craving this moment.

After what feels like an eternity (but definitely was a couple minutes at most), Xildi pulls herself away and shyly drops her hands to the bed. Her cheeks burn as she stares at a lopsided and completely goofy grin that stretches on Shadowheart’s face. Endearing? Absolutely.

“Perhaps… it was destiny -- us meeting that is.”

Xildi smiles. “Perhaps it was.”

[zhuhongs]

When I was growing up I didnt understand why people shared food with others. I shared food with my mom and such, but that was it. I thought that sharing food was something people only did with those super close to them. I never once just considered sharing food with others like many families do.

I grew up as one of the only poor colored kids in a well off white neighborhood. My mom always had this weird complex. That she and the rest of our family "weren't like other Hispanic people" because we "didn't take handouts" and "didn't live like that" whatever that was supposed to mean.  I hate her internalized racism sm... it fucked me up so bad but i’m mostly over it and she is too thank god but that's a whole other issue for another text post) Thus she always ingrained it in me that I don't take food that other ppl are offering me. If a white person tries to give me food, they're probably just pitying me for being the poor girl. And if a poc gives me food, they need it more than I do, I should take it but pay them back later for it. To save face and not cause burden. I never thought twice abt it and it was rarely an issue. Most of my friends were white and their parents always thought it was kind that i offered to pay for my food but never let me. And my friends of color... well i didnt have many. I didnt have many friends growing up that I rlly remember. I was always just weird and quiet. I occasionally brought food on birthdays and got food for others on their birthday. But outside of special occasion I didnt go out of my way to give people food. If I didnt like something I'd give it to someone who did. And if someone was gonna throw something away, I ate it. I never let food go to waste. When I went out with people, I bought my food and they bought theres and we just ate. Nothing else. I never thought anything of it.

I remember a very distinct moment where I started to feel differently. I was in my second semester of university and my dance team was preparing for a performance over spring break. We had been practicing from 9am to 3pm and then decided to go to the mall to get food and just hang out for a bit. My university friend group is like.. notoriously bad at making decisions so I usually make the decisions for them bc theyre all so passive alkfjaslkfjd (THEY ALL HAVE OLDEST IMMIGRANT DAUGHTER OF COLOR SYNDROME like me too omg ik ur a ppl pleser but PICK SMTH, ily them... i’ll stop now) . SO we were deciding where to get food and settled on the food court and we all get what we want. So we did all that and sat a big table together and I just remember everyone putting the food in the middle and getting extra plates so we could take from each we wanted and have a little bit of everything. And at first i was like?? HUH!?? like I got what i wanted bc thats what I wanted and then planned to take my leftovers home to eat at work later that night. And that ended up working out, they could kinda tell that was my intention but ever since then I noticed that that friend group always does that. We all buy different things and share. I really used to find it dumb at first bc its my money and i paid for what i wanted. I didn’t want to take others food and I didn’t rlly want to give them mine. I thought that mentality was universal. I was always kinda on the outside with that group, we never fully meshed but I really wanted to make the effort to be friends with them because I knew it would be rewarding, even if we were just casual friends. And yea idk, just through them I began to kinda unlearn the way I used to feel about sharing food. It’s not about the money, it’s about the connection to others and about giving freely and letting others give to u. But money was always tight as a id. As I’ve started working and making money, thankfully i’ve abandoned this knee jerk reaction.

I read a chapter of a book for highschool english once called “Sharing Food as an Act of Communion” or smth along those lines and I got the concept but didn’t rlly think it was that deep. But in that moment, i started to understand it a lot more. Sharing food and sharing things in general isn’t about the object itself, its about what got u to that point to share something with someone. Due in part to way i was raised as I elaborated on earlier, I really wasn’t a loving or giving person. I was selfish. I was taught to be selfish. Because my parents had that mentality and passed it onto their kids. That was the cutthroat immigrant way of theirs. They were very much “pull yourself up by your bootstraps ppl.” My brother is still like that a bit. It’s very sad sometimes, I’m trying to get him out of it. Baby steps. My mom doesn’t understand why he’s so selfish. One of these days I think i’m going to sit her down and tell her that it’s her own doing. That how she raised us. But I know she doesn’t want to hear it, so for her sake and mine I just agree with her and let the issue pass without incident. I truly believe that kindness and community are the most radical things that humans have. I rlly do. It took me a long time to get there. I used to be so convinced I was better of alone. One man for themselves. I blame my father, i really do.

One time when things were really going to shit with my family, my dad came in my room and asked me how I could be so cruel to him when he was my father, completely unaware of the fact that I had been abused by him my entire life. He just didn’t register it that way bc it wasn’t physical. He said to me “You know Sage, I would expect this from your brother. But you’re a girl . I thought you’d be nicer, more loving and giving.” but it was his own actions that shaped this. And it wasn’t until I had stopped living with him at 18 that I was able to become more like how I am now.

Really, in the past I wasn’t a very nice or loving person. I wasn’t mean either!! I was just passive. A cold lake near a forest. I was nice looking on any surface level, but there was nothing warm or pleasant. A cold lake with jagged rocks underneath. With the help of others i’ve warmed, the rocks eroded down to something you would keep in a collection. I prefer it this way. I’ve healed a bit. I understand now what ppl mean when they say food is a love language. It isn’t one for me yet, but I recognize why it is for others. I get it now.

[figuringouthowtobehere]

please dont reblog this

i dont have many ppl to talk to. so here i am, screaming into the void that is my tumblr again.

im mostly posting this because im alone. im really really fucking alone. and im hoping i might, idfk, make a solid, trustable connection from tumblr??? idfk. im alone in the world.

please dont reblog this

cw family issues, su*cidality, abandonment, abuse, childhood abuse, trauma, being alone in the world

i have no one to go to. my entire life since i was a baby all ive ever been able to do is survive at the skin of my teeth. and here i am, 20, breathing, trying so fucking hard to live and, idk if im succeeding. im doing my film shit which is cool but. im alone. im on my own. im alone in the world. i never had parents. like, obviously i had parents, but they were never parents, dyou know what i mean? like the people who genetically made me were around but they were abusing me or just being awful or refusing to listen to me about what i needed from them, from their parenthood. 

i had a conversation with my mom yesterday (after two days of not being able to get a hold of her and really really needing to) and i was basically just like ‘why cant you be my mom’ and she was like ‘i am your mom’ and i was like ‘well, yeah, but youre not--you cant--you dont mother me. and you dont mother me in the ways i need you to.’ and she was like ‘what does that look like to you?’ and i said ‘someone who i can turn to, always, someone who has my back no matter what, someone who respects me and what i need and who listens to me and trusts my experience and, yeah, someone who i can turn to always’ and she said ‘i mean i can talk with you on the phone, i can tell you what i think you should do, i can try to give you advice from my experience, but as far as someone having your back 24/7 always, i cant do that’ and we ended up talking about how im an adult now - and she was talking about it in the sense of ‘youre a grown man now, you dont need your mom like that anymore’ - and im like ‘ya, i am basically a grown man but i still need my mom. i still need parents.’ and i think im gonna end up cutting contact with her again because its too hard to simultaneously grieve her not being the mom i need and also talk to her. if im not talking to her then i can deal with the idea that i dont have a mother, that i dont have parents and i probably never will.

ive never really had people. i never really had friends when i was a child and i dont really have friends now. maybe its cause im trans, maybe its cause im autistic, maybe its cause im mixed, i dont know, but generally people in the world dont like me or it takes them a long time to not hate me. it doesnt matter why right now the point is i never had people (like, a support system) and i dont now. 

so yeah im pretty seriously thinking about killing myself (or, trying to anyway). i dont wanna die but ive spent my whole life trying to just. be a person. and find contentment. and everything in my life ends up going awful or causing me a lot of trouble at some point or another. ive come to expect it. whenever anything happens in my life im just like ‘when will this go wrong. how long will it take this time.’ and im alone. im just fucking on my own. and i know theres lots of people who are and have been more alone than i am/have been and i admire these people so fucking much like GO YOU!! YOUFUCKING DID IT!!! HELL YEAH! im so proud of u. for real, i have so much respect for all yall reading this who have made it through shit and made it through being alone in the world. you fucking got this. youre doing it. good fucking job!!!!! ✨ but then. idk ig it doesnt take away from this being incredibly fucking difficult for me. pretty much everything in my life was fucked from birth to age 18 and now over half of everything in my life is fucked. which is better, for sure, but its still. ive never had a chance. idk it just seems to me like it doesnt matter. i can try and try and do all the therapies and take all the psych meds a psychiatrist might give me and i can meditate all the time. it just seems like im Doomed. (WOW i sound dumb and childish) like ik logically this is probably incorrect, that im not actually just.. doomed but thats how it feels. whenever a good thing happens im just waiting for it to collapse on me. and usually it does in way or another. generally not because of anything ive done or havent done, it just ends up being shit.

and then. ive never had anyone. i dont have anyone. im alone in the world. like its not that im ignoring people i do have or choosing to omit them from my mind right now. i have a singular friend in the place where i live; my other two friends both live in the states. i live with someone who was a support for me until like last ... july or so, i think, who now makes me feel like shit (they arent being malicious its just a bunch of issues in our relationship. theres more on that in stuff ive posted before, if you feel like digging through my posts for a while go ahead and youll find more on that) and i have like 5% (out of 100%) trust for them. i have a therapist who i see once a week and ik shes invested in me, but thats her job. and i cant just call her whenever i want. i have several people for film stuff but theyre either just casual pals and then colleagues or just colleagues. i know a lot of people, who dont really show any investment in me as a person or their relationship with me and who i dont really click well with. and thats it. 

and im so. im so in love with Film. all of it. (not The Film Industry obviously.) im so fucking in love with it. the only real concrete reason that i wont end up killing myself in the next like month or two is because Film. and i just. need. people. i need parents. or something. fuck.

i think part of this is probably the long-term ramifications of ongoing childhood sexual, physical, and psychological abuse and never really having good, consistent support cause id be surprised if that didnt fuck with my brain (and, yk, untreated severe childhood brain damage from tbis beginning at less than a year old). but it doesnt really matter does it. ive been through the shit time and again and its not like anyone has appeared and been like ‘hello, i see you never had parents, this is who i am, would you like to get to know each other for a while and maybe i could be your mom?’ cause thats literally what i need. i need parents. like i know theres a thing of ‘if you didnt have parents then you cant undo that damage’ but like idk. if someone has a bunch of unhealed broken bones that got broken years ago that are now causing them a lot of pain you wouldnt just be like ‘sorry, i see youre in trouble from this shit, but because it happened years ago theres nothing we can do’ cause there is??? i forget how i was gonna say this before but like. i didnt have parents. with the ‘parents’ i had its a scientific anomaly i lived past age three. i refuse to believe that having Good Parents and a Good Support System now would do nothing for me. cause it would. 

im also facing impending homelessness due to a) welfare/disability programs not giving you enough to live off and b) not having a roommate/not having support systems/not having people. so that doesnt help.

i dont know how to do this. im on my own. im doing all i can. ive reached out to everyone i feel like i could reach out to and. im on my own.

help. i guess. idk what that means but im, once again, at an incredibly fucking AWFUL point in my life and i need help. i doubt anyone will be able to but. if youre able to then. idk. do something. ik that i sound desperate and pitiful and i literally dont care at all because i literally am desperate for support and i literally am at - ANOTHER - extremely low point in my life and its pitiful. im cringing at myself actually posting this because its like ‘you think youre actually find what you need via a tumblr post? where are you? cause thats not real life dude’ but i dont fucking have people to talk to (as you have already understood 🙃) and im tired and tired and tired and tired.

if you took the time to read this i thank you and i hope ur day is going vvv well

please dont reblog this!!

[mediocreskills]

OK SO I had all the Underwood codes decrypted in chronological order on a notepad doc, but my computer updated and I lost the document. I’ve gone and decoded them all again, and im putting them here in this post so I dont lose them again. 

Edit: Current as of episode 20

Edit 2: credit to @cinnamon-syrup​ for finding the one in the [redacted]!

Further edits: switched around the order of the backwards codes, credits to @absolxguardian​ for keeping up with the missing letters

MAJOR spoilers under the readmore

(the quote marks are where the tag begins and ends)

Underwood codes

ASCII HEX

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/188829363937/you-all-seem-awfully-invested-in-this-foundation

“Not yet, at least”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/188892488892/news-from-the-library

(release date)

“Are you still listening?”

“How can you, we haven’t even properly started…”

(reblog)

“Don’t forget…”

MORSE

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/190223635362/und-00-season-1-trailer-the-underwood

(trailer)

“I HOPE YOU WILL STAY AWILE[sic]”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/190486379242/tuccastlist

(short bios)

This one I lost with the document, but I think it went “THAT’S ODD, HE WASN’T THERE BEFORE”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/190486408277/colleagues-and-students

(episode 1 release date)

“ARE YOU STILL LISTENING”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/190498595732/und-01-prima-donna-the-underwood-collection

(episode 1 link)

“QUITE A FIERY PERFORMANCE”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/190627591407/happy-monday-everyone-episode-2-of-the-underwood

(episode 2 link & transcript)

“SHORT AND SO VERY SWEET”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/190755248027/happy-monday-dear-scholars-your-new-file-can-be

(episode 3)

“OF COURSE WE KNOW THEIR NAMES”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/190778770637/apologies-for-any-confusion-from-the-past-hour-or

(accidental reblogs)

“MARS FUCKED UP”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/190877403857/good-monday-morning-dearest-scholars-your-latest

(episode 4)

“A FAMILIAR SENSATION”

“I WONDER IF THE OLD MAN FELT IT TOO”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/190902452482/regarding-recent-events

(leak)

“WE HOPE THAT IS THE ONLY THING MISPLACED”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/190486379242/tuccastlist

(short bios updated)

“IT IS LIKELY THERE WILL BE A PERMANENT CHANG[sic]”

“SOON”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/190950622837/good-day-scholars-the-follow-up-files-to

(mid-season special)

“THE OBELISK PIERCES THE SACRED SKY”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/191002477647/its-monday-once-again-scholars-todays-file-is

(episode 5)

“THEY SAY THERES SOMEONE WHO CAN FIX THAT”

“AND SHES USUALLY WILLING TO BO[sic] IT”

“FOR FREE”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/611505625291243520/good-afternoon-scholars-you-may-have-noticed-the

(episode 6)

“ANTS ARE QUITE ADEPT AT INVADING HIVES”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/612135524148396032/apologies-for-the-late-upload-once-again-we

(episode 7)

“EMBALMING IS TO KEEP THE FLESH ALIVE”

“AND TO SPITE THE END”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/612758897181278208/good-morning-scholars-you-may-have-noticed-we

(episode 8)

“SO THEY HAVE BECOME MEALS”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/613134392527896576/hello-scholars-we-have-a-special-mid-season-bonus

(episode 8.5)

“ENJOY THIS WHILE YOU CAN”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/613410702820016128/its-monday-once-again-scholars-your-new-file-is

(episode 9)

“IT IS WHEN THE CANARY STOPS SINGING”

“THAT YOU SHOULD BE TRULY AFRAID”

“OF THE DEPTHS”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/614043566045642752/afternoon-scholars-our-final-statement-before

(episode 10)

“DO YOU THINK THEYVE NOTICED YET”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/616568470082093056/hi-everyone-quick-out-of-character-update-today

(q&a)

audible morse code is all 

“OOPS” “NO” “REDCTED”

credit to @cinnamon-syrup​, @lunaisooon​, and @absolxguardian​ for putting the q&a codes together

Message hidden in the html code!!! (lina found this one!)

[ID] “Hello... You Shouldn’t Be Looking Here. Send Jonah My Regards. -AB.”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/618472592182067200/hellooo-lovely-lovely-scholars-welcome-back-to

(season two trailer)

“SHE IS ONTO US. WE MUST CHANGE AGAIN.”

“.SU EVIGROF”

MORSE AND BACKWARDS TEXT

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/619099825997316096/scholars-its-a-new-day-and-with-it-a-new-file

(episode 11)

“AS ARACHNE PLAYS HER STRINGS”

“SLAUGHTER AND END BEGIN TO SING”

“UPON THE HILL THE WEDDING BELL SOUNDS”

“INDISTINGUISHABLE FROM FUNERAL ROUNDS”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/619566954885300224/welcome-to-the-underwood-collection-wont-you

(teaser trailer video thing)

“Y'RE CLOSE, BUT THEY CAN'T GET CAUGHT. “

“THEY CAN’T”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/619735478403530752/hello-scholars-we-hope-youre-practicing-good

(episode 12)

“HER SERVICES ARE STILL FREE”

“BUT SHE CAN’T MAKE YOU UNKNOWN”

“NOT THE WAY I DO”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/620379328802357248/good-afternoon-scholars-hope-youre-ready-weve

(episode 13)

“FOR EVERYONE ELSE.”

“TO BE A STRANGER”

“YOU MUST BE ONE TOO”

“WHAT IS YOUR MONSTER?”

“AND WHO ARE YOU A MONSTER TO?”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/621001132645515264/today-we-get-a-bit-personal-you-can-listen-to

(episode 14)

“THE CORRUPTION LOVES”

“TO DRAG OTHERS INTO ITS MESSES”

“DOESN’T IT. MADAME DIRECTOR?”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/621643481125896192/good-day-scholars-we-have-your-file-all-ready-for

(episode 15)

“REMEMBER: WHATEVER YOU DO”

“A MIRROR CAN ONLY SHOW WHAT IS TRUE”

“WHETHER WARPED OR SHATTERED”

“TARNISHED OR BLACK”

“IT SHOWS WHAT IT SEES”

“AND ALWAYS LOOKS BACK”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/622638230737682433/you-didnt-think-wed-just-leave-you-with-radio

(episode 15.5)

“AN APPALLING THIEF THEY MAKE. NO?”

“AND OUR POOR ARCHIVIST”

“TO CATALOGUE EVERY THOUGHT”

“LEST THEY SLIP AWAY”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/623549746907365376/this-week-this-week-how-different-things

(episode 16)

“SOME PITY FOR HER SWEET LOST LENORE”

“SHE LOOKS WITHIN AND THUSLY SEES”

“DARKNESS THERE AND NOTHING MORE”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/624194605170196480/good-afternoon-scholars-so-glad-youve-taken-the

(episode 17)

“SHIFTING HUES AND MADE UP FACES”

“MEANINGLESS COLORS AND CONFRONTATIONS”

“ANSWERS IN QUESTIONS”

“THAT MAKE YOUR HEAD SPIN”

“AND YOU KNOW DEEP DOWN THAT YOU CANNOT WIN”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/624811317513142272/good-morning-scholars-todays-file-should-warm

(episode 18)

“THE WARMTH OF LOVE IS A HEALING FLAME”

“BUT BROKEN HEARTS LEAVE SMOULDERING BLAME”

“PAIN NEVER TO HEAL AND NEVER TO FLEE”

“PS. THE NOTE? IT WASNT ME”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/625172073815457792/a-little-treat-for-you-scholars-something-sweet

(episode 18.5)

“WE KNOW OBSESSION”

“YOU CAN LET IT CONSUME YOU”

“BUT SHES HERE FOR YOU”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/625440970729832448/might-be-nice-to-do-some-redecorating-today-while

(episode 19)

“OH COME NOW FOR A JUBILEE”

“THE THINGS THAT CALL YOU HOME SHALL SING”

“HURRAH HURRAH”

“DECAY AND FILTH FORM HUNGERS HEART”

“ITS THE LOYALTY OF YOUR NOBLEST PARTS”

“AND WE ALL FALL DOWN TO THE GROUND”

“TO RETURN TO THE DUST”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/626079190993731584/from-the-personal-files-of-uc-bamba-featuring

(episode 20)

“I MISS HIM SO.”

missing letters so far: HEDA and THE/OU credit to @absolxguardian​ for finding the missing letters

[plainvanillapotato]

the 100 diaries S2 E6

quarantine diaries: may 28 2020

season 2 episode 6: “Fog of War”

thats a nice map clarke. but how does she remember this much information about the mount weather cuz she wasnt even there that long. does clarke have photographic memory??

yeah clarke. i wouldnt know what to say to finn either. but look at prettyboy bellamy trying to defend finn. like he shouldnt because what finn did was absolutely terrible but good for him. stay loyal my dood

enter finn looking real jealous of bellamy. i mean he should be. cuz lets all be honest. no one can compare to prettyboy bellamy

fuck off murphy. why is murphy pretending that he just part of the gang now? and why he gotta joke about my boy monty like that??? do not apply salt to my wounds. other people may like you but bygones are not bygones just yet. i remember what you did. but also i cant believed that they actually pardoned finn? is he seriously not gonna get punished?! 

mount weather crashed the exodus ship?! sooooo question for y’all: did mount weather also sabotage the landing of the 100?? like they were meant to land on mount weather but they didn’t. is this ever clarified later in the show??

mom saying that clarke isnt a soldier and yet she sent clarke down here. knowing there was a good chance she would die. bitch. you dont even know. abby youre little girl has killed in cold blood before. but i guess these two are not ready for that conversation yet.

“assimilate them to the gene pool” bc ofc these people didnt just take in these kids out of the goodness of their hearts. these people are sick...

also i know that dante is playing the good guy in this situation saying that he wont put the kids in cages like animals but is willing to just that to grounders? what kind of message are you sending here buddy??

side note: does anyone else think that dante’s son looks like a Jim carrey wannabe

again jaha and kane. what are the odds? who would have thought? not me. my crack ship is not done yet

yeah the louder and the more you shout you come in peace kane the more i believe it. 

you can’t be friends with everyone jaha. dont you remeber the last time you trusted be they sold you.

18. 18. 18 people were killed. FINN. FINN. FINN. there do need to be some repercussions

maya and jasper look like they could be siblings. both pale. both dark hair.

why does finn have a gun?? yes finn they need to keep an eye on you. what do you think youre going to do? i think youre gonna shoot people finn. thank you for putting the gun down. 

umm i dont think that it was accident. like i get that youre mentally unstable dude but 18 people? thats a big ‘accident’ id just prefer if you owned up to it.

ofc the acid fog comes now. the fricking art room..... the dead body is still there isnt it

ofc one of the guards die just to be more dramatic 

damn they really should have cleaned up the dead body. plus it must stink. and yet there is finn with that face saying ‘don’t look at my past sins clarke’ as he runs to cover the body

youre telling me that tents really protect against the acid fog it looks as thin as a person’s shirt. 

yeah finn you are the enemy. ‘you don’t look at me the way you used to.’ yah bro you killed 18 people but you dont see that bothered by it. also i know honest is the best policy but telling clarke the honest truth of how you got her watch back may not have been the best move.

“come on they gave us cake”-jasper trying to convince the others to donate their blood (21:15) this is the strongest argument i have ever heard in my life.

monty keeping his priorities straight. i stan! and i just love how done he is with maya. i straight up laughed when she came in with that notebook!!! are they making maya a good character now??

“because the standard treament sucks compared to you.”-maya trying to flirt with jasper lol

big yikes when maya revealed the grounders. ‘everyone knows but no one talks about it’ waht? i shouldnt be surprised tho considering all the shit that goes on in america that everyone know thats going on but doesnt talk about because it makes certain people feel uncomfortable

“die” - monty (23:35) YES MONTY YES MONTY. monty is officially my favorite character! 

the fog is a weapon. did not expect that. 

oooh no. carol of bells. indeed. as in bellamy “bells” coming in to be a badass.

its your boy lincoln!! and he does not look good. what are you doing octavia? you still want licoln after you just saw him feast on a human? this girl need to have higher standards.

side note: so reapers are basically modern zombies and if they have zombies in this show they can have vampires. so i stand by what i said before. these mountain people are just modern vampires literally sucking the blood and life out these poor 47 kids. and just when we thought they caught a break with all the cake

honestly im surprised that kane is still good. i thought that he was gonna turn evil. also these grounders have it wrong. at least during the fight between wells and murphy bellamy gave wells a knife to have a fair fight

preston burke becoming a doctor again!! cue grey’s anatomy theme song

seriously what is lexa doing here….oooh theyre smarter than i thought. we love female leaders. she be out here being sly. though not going to lie i still prefer anya.

alternatives for Octavia calling for lincoln **lincoln dear come hither** or **hey demon lincoln its yah girl octavia** 

‘neither do i’ awww finn. i feel sad for you but at the same time. you killed 18 people. i reaaaally dont know how the writers are going to redeem finns character. 

jaspers face tho when dante turned his back was like bitch you dont know whats coming to you.

yikes when dante grabbed his sons neck. but also his name is cage. ironic because mount weather is a cage

did raven just say to finn to suck it up? ummmmmmmmmmmm

JAHA!!