#didnt taste great but i doubt anything will taste great after that mistake

[everyfandomever]

My food fell on the floor and i couldnt help but start crying

[moriartysnerd]

Jim Moriarty x fem reader Harry Potter! AU

An: this is kinda short, not really anything big. Just a cute little story. I want to start writing more one shot story’s in this AU. There will be many more parts, I just needed some soft fluf, tell me if there’s anything specific you’d like to see!

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How you loathed mornings. The sun had finally just begun to hit your eyes as you awoke to the soft click of the dorm room door closing and giggling slowly fading away behind it. You finally managed to open your eyes and looked around. Everything around your bed was so clean, and all the other girls had left. The images of what you and sherlock did last night flashed in your mind. You where always so tired after a revision night with the ravenclaw. You struggled to keep up with him half the time, you couldn’t imagine how you two had become friends in the passing years but there was no getting rid of him. You wiped your eyes clean before getting up and preparing yourself for the day. Sherlock seemed to of gotten everything ready for you. Even folded your uniform. The neat freak. You smiled to yourself, slipping into your attire and then reaching for your tie. It was blue. Not only was it blue, it wasn’t yours. Sherlock’s cologne swiftly surrounded you as you picked it up. He’d taken the wrong tie. No. Of course he hadn’t. Sherlock Holmes didn’t make such simple mistakes. He was either marking you, or he wanted to tell you somthing. Either way, unless you wanted house points off you had to wear a tie. Unfortunately, you wernt in the mood to deal with a professor harassing you over somthing so simple. It was settled. You’d wear it.

It felt like it took you forever to get ready that morning, the minutes where dragging and so where your feet. Finally your hands reached for your bag, tossing it over a shoulder and groaning at the heaviness. Seems Sherlock had packed that too. You groaned in defeat as you realised you wouldn’t have the time to resort you bag and headed out of your room and down the stairs, making your way out of the common room. It still made you laugh to think that Sherlock had some how found a way to sneak passed the magic and get himself into the girls dorm room. He was bright, you’d give him that. He was also somewhat of a charmer. Always helping the other girls in your dorm room, Or waiting outside when any of them needed to change. He was more than welcome to say he wasn’t really a people’s person, but most of all. The girls loved the drama he could indulge. Sherlock could deduce things so easily with substantial evidence. He was a drama whore, he just didn’t admit it. He’d figure things out about couples, teachers, classes the works. It was like a super power. It even had its perks. He was a bright wizard and you where somewhat in his shadow, it didn’t help that people constantly doubted your intelligence. Thinking you where only friends with Sherlock so you could pass classes. You worked your ass off for those grades. With or without Sherlock.

You stumbled your way into the great hall, sighing softly when their was no sign of Sherlock. Of course he wasn’t going to make this easy for you. He had your tie, he wanted something. You walked past a table, picking up an apple and taking gentle bites out of it, the noise of people chattering filled your eyes as you stared up at the huge Christmas tree in the corner. That’s right, Sherlock would be going home for Christmas. He’d invited you, but you’d declined. Christmas was for family after all. You smiled a little shaking Your head, you had Netflix and chocolates for Christmas. Plus most if not all the girls in your dorm would be gone. A practically empty school. Perfection.

You hadn’t noticed how far you’d wondered out of the great hall until you’d made your way to the whomping Willow tree. You knew not to get too close, she didn’t like that. You sighed softly as the wind blew through your hair, letting the breeze comfort you effortlessly.

“Blue tie L/N? Honestly, that man has you collared like a mutt.”

The Irish voice broke the silence, you didn’t face him. Moriarty. You knew it. You could feel it in your stomach. You and Moriarty weren’t really on speaking terms, he’d been harassing Sherlock a lot this month and you’d always been the one having to comfort the Ravenclaw after Moriarty visits. It didn’t help that Moriarty and Sherlock both shared a house. They where both Ravenclaws. Both so alike yet so different. Sherlock found it impossible to sleep in the same room as the man stood behind you. That had started the whole “study nights with Sherlock” thing. Sherlock would sleep with you, unbeknownst to the teachers, you where close. You wanted him to be safe.

You took yet another bite of your apple, the sour taste now running down your tongue and slipping down your throat. It was bitter. You threw the apple towards the willow tree and it sprang into action, destroying it in seconds. It was almost a warning. A warning for James to back off. Maybe he couldn’t find Sherlock either and that’s why he wanted to play with you. You wanted to tell you darker male to leave you alone, to push past him and never see him agian, but you couldn’t. In an odd way he had you wrapped around his finger, and only he knew that.

“I came out here looking for Sherlock. He has my tie. I wasn’t going to risk the house points.”

You stated, Still defiant and refusing to look at him. You knew it made his blood boil. He was taking time to give you attention. Attention that wasn’t being reciprocated.

“Didnt you hear? He left this morning.”

Those words rang in your ears as you swallowed dryly. He left without saying goodbye? It was stupid, of course it was, but it still bothered you. You two where always together. Then he just leaves? You thought you’d atleast get another week with him before he left for Christmas. You shook your head silently, finally looking into Moriartys deep eyes. Your stomach couldn’t handle it for too long as you looked away.

“Whoops. Have I told you something I shouldn’t? You should be used to this though, shouldn’t you? You’re always second best to him. If he leaves you. He still has John. Who do you have L/N?”

He practically sang those words but that didn’t stop the truth from hitting. You where going to be alone on Christmas. No matter what way you looked at it. Moriartys eyes softened as he looked down at you, was it pity? Possibly. You never knew with this man.

“He has a family. Which is more than either of us have. He’s his own person. He can leave if he wants too.”

You gently gripped Sherlock’s tie and pushed past moriarty, swiftly walking back inside. You weren’t about to doubt your best friend over this. No way. The day slowly blew over, you had been bored out of your mind without Sherlock. He annoyed the hell out of you, without him even magic couldn’t keep you entertained. 4 o’clock eventually chimed and you made your way to the library, there was one thing you could do that would pass the time. Work. You spent a good few hours revising alone. Picking out books and writing. Even practicing a few non-threatening spells while alone. You grew tired early, the sun just beginning to set as you put your last few books away, packing up your things and wandering down the empty corridor your ears picked up the soft Irish chuckle of moriarty once agian.

His laugh was sweet, it belonged in the hearts of millions. It was a shame it belonged to such a horrid person. You continued towards his voice, your feet moving without your mind even telling you too. He was stood near an open window, watching the sunset. He had quietened down and whatever he was laughing at had long since passed. Your hands traced the wall as you came up behind him, staring at the sunset, unsure of what to say. You knew this man. You knew him well. However once you started hanging around with Sherlock, you drifted. He was no longer the most important man in your life.

“It’s nice hearing you laugh agian..”

You spoke softly, looking up at moriarty, he didn’t even glance at you, but still acknowledged you. You gripped Sherlock’s tie a little tighter as you looked down. You felt the gentle touch of a hand brush yours as moriarty moved to hold your hand, still staring out. It was golden hour. Everything was beautiful. It was as if nothing had changed between you two.

“I do miss you sometimes darling, i must admit I hate how Sherlock acts like he owns you.”

Moriarty spoke gently, weaving a hand around your waste and holding you from behind, head placed on top of yours. Neither yours nor his eyes left from the gorgeous veiw of the lake just outside the window. Everything in that moment felt so right. You couldn’t even stop yourself from your own thoughts. They where a mess. Leaving you confused and somewhat brave. You couldn’t even prepare yourself for what was to come, but one string of words slipped out and for once, you where glad they did.

“Spend Christmas with me jim....”

[dranza]

Tarot

Draco x Reader

Word count: 2232

Draco bumps into you in the slytherin common room, late at night. You both find yourself opening up to each other. I just think its cute man.

Warnings: Parent struggles. If there is anymore please let me know!

Glancing at the clock on the wall I realise it's now half past twelve in the morning. I had officially spent over four hours painting my tarot cards, procrastinating from doing my homework is officially one of my skills. Sighing, I slide the card I was working on over to the edge of the table to dry. I then reach for a mint leaf from my pocket and slide it into my mouth, the taste takes me back to being a child and playing in the manor gardens with my Nanny. I'm clearing up my paints as I hear footsteps coming into the hall that leads to the slytherin common room. Scrambling, I hide the paints under the table and pretend to fall asleep over the charms book I was meant to be reading. Recently, Pansy had been taking her prefect duties a little too seriously and had busted me for being out of my dorm room too many times now. I could easily wind her up and make her leave me alone but tonight I just didn't have the energy to hear her rattle on about how ‘we aren't meant to hang in the common room outside of curfew times’. The thing is, I’ve always been a night owl and not wanting to wake up the other girls in my room, I've made a habit of coming down to the common room to have some alone time. 

“Stop being so pathetic, I know you're not asleep y/n” Draco announces in a chuckle as he walks in front of the table I'm at. 

“Oh, what do you want Draco?” I lift my head to look at the white haired boy towering over me.

“Don’t worry, I'm not here to kick you out.” He pulls at a stool with his foot and sits opposite me, picking an apple from the bowl on the side table “I was just coming to pick up a snack. What are you doing awake at this hour anyway?” 

I lift a paintbrush from under the table in response. “I don't even know where to start on the charms essay so I thought I'd add to my collection instead.”

He places his elbows onto his knees and leans closer to the three cards I had set on the edge of the table. “These are pretty good, I didn't know you could paint.” 

“I didnt realise I had to inform you of everything I do.”

Draco huffs contempt, tilting his head a little “fair enough.”

“What are you doing awake?” I ask as I lift my wand and clean my paint brushes.

“Just finished the reading for potions class” he takes a bite from his apple and lifts the middle card.

A confused giggle escapes my mouth and I tease “I didn't know Draco Malfoy actually cared about his grades.”

Under his breath (more to himself than to me) he whispers “my parents would probably kill me if I didn’t.” Switching to a smirk, he echoes my words back to me “Well, I didn’t realise I had to inform you of everything I do.” He places the card back onto the table and drags the subject back to me “anyway, everything you need for the charms paper is in the fourth and fifth chapter.”

“Ah, thankyou.” I open up the charms book to the suggested chapters and place in a book mark. I stretch out my legs and lean back onto the sofa behind me, sitting on the floor for so long has made my legs go dead. “So, do you want me to do a reading?” 

Dracos body stiffens slightly, and he straightens his back. “I don't think so, it's not very accurate anyway is it?” His thin fingers pick at his loose black pajama bottoms for fluff that wasn't there. 

He clearly was one of the people who thought divination wasn’t actual magic. Back at Durmstrang, divination was such a popular subject that I was shocked when I came to England and saw so many columns popping up in The Daily Prophet about it just being a hoax. “Oh, for goodness sake Draco, it is accurate if it's done correctly. One card wont hurt you. Also, accurate or not, at least I'll get some practice.” I offer an encouraging smile.

“Please... my father says it's purely based on chance and calculated guessing. I don't imagine you'll be very good if you've had Trelawney teaching you anyway, the woman is out of her mind.” he says in a huff, scrunching his nose in disgust.

“One card?” I lift my eyes to meet his and pout in an exaggerated way.

He cocks a brow and flashes a look at the cards “one.”

I sit up instantly, leaning to the chair that I dumped my bag on earlier that night and pull out a full tarot deck. I clear the table, shuffle the cards and spread them upside down in a row. “What do you want to know?” 

“Errr,” he squeezes his eyes shut and sways his head trying to think of a question. “What do I need to focus more on right now?” he asks unsurely. 

I smile softly at him, surprised that he actually asked a decent question. “Perfect, now just really concentrate on that question and pick the card you're most drawn to.” He seems to hesitate a bit so I add “Don't think too deeply about it, just go with your instinct.”

He lets out a loud breath as he bows over the table to be closer to the cards. With a single finger he slides a card out slightly from the deck and then sits back, looking down at me tentatively.

Sitting on my knees, I take the card he selected and flip it over. 

“The magician? Really? What may this suggest y/n? Well, we're at school and maybe I need to focus on my magic skills.” he word vomits in such a patronizing manner I resist the urge to punch him.

“Will you just shut up Malfoy! Let me concentrate…” 

He lets out a sharp nose exhale but obeys.

“I think it suggests you have an opportunity to right a wrong, it's something you've been putting off but you finally have all the tools you need to be able to make it happen.” I look away from the card to him but his gaze is locked to his hands now. “This has really been weighing down on you, hasn't it? You just need to focus and manifest on the outcome. Is it… is it to do with your father?”

“What?” he lifts his head in a sharp movement at my final question. “I have no idea what you’re talking about, I told you this is all a load of rubbish. I'm heading back to bed.” He throws his half eaten apple into the bin. “As should you, we have potions first thing tomorrow and I doubt Snape will let you nap in class.”

“I’m sorry Draco…” I break, realising I had touched a nerve. “You don't have to answer me. Don't just… you don't have to leave.”

He runs his fingers through his messy white hair. “I just… well, I’d just rather not focus on that right now.”

 Draco’s father (Lucius Malfoy) is meant to be having his final hearing, for conspiring with Voldemort, this weekend and whispers all about the Malfoy family have been wandering through every hall at Hogwarts. Last year Voldemort had tried to take over the wizarding world and Draco (much to his parents' alarm) had apparently joined Harry Potter in destroying the horcruxes. Still, everyone was questioning his intentions. He has been putting on a brave face but it's obvious he's been more reserved since the news broke out.

“That's ok.” I try a sympathising smile. “I get it, I’m not trying to pry.”

“Yeah, well, you’re the only one then.” he says with a sigh.

I look around to try and change the subject, “what's your favourite colour?” I blurt out. I sink inwardly, was this really the best I could come up with.

Draco smiles, raising a brow. “Black.” he states confidently. 

“Ha, dytto.” I pick at the dry paint on my hands. “It reminds me of ink... and wolves... and outer space.”  

 “Yes, that. Also,  you always look great when you wear black” Draco chuckles softly. “Well, I mean not you personally. Although… I'm sure you also do look great in black. But I mean generally, no one can ever… really go wrong if they’re dressed in black.” A blush creeps up his face as he stammers over his words.

A funny little giggle escapes me as I watch him, a similar pink tinting my face. “I know what you mean.” I nudge his arm slightly, noticing his all black pajamas. “I think there’s still a certain skill in pulling off a black outfit though.” 

Draco picks up one of my paint pots and twists it in his hand, trying to look at anything but me, his blush deepening. “Yeah, I guess.” 

“You know, I would have pinned you more as a bright pink kind of guy myself.” I kick myself for trying to be funny but it lifts his nervousness. 

“Not quite.” His laugh is deep and sensual, sending a warm fuzziness through my body. 

“Do you ever paint?” I ask, signally to the pot in his hand. 

“No. I’ve never done any intricate stuff like this anyway.” he gestures to my cards. “These really are quite amazing.”

“Thankyou.” I try not to stare at his face as he studies my work, but the candle light bouncing off his eyelashes and his soft, bottom lip kind of tucking under his teeth is making it very difficult. “To be honest, I don’t really like them.”

“What? Why?” he shoots at me.

“It’s not very neat around here…” I point at the first card, I’d spent half an hour trying to get the shading right on the bricks of the tower earlier tonight. “And her hair just looks like a wig.” My finger grazes the back of Draco’s hand as I point to the Empress card.

“No it doesn't, plus no one else would notice these things you’re bothering about” 

“My mother will.” Quietly correcting myself, I add “would.” I clear my throat lightly to continue “And she would definitely reveal a few more mistakes as well.” I take in a long breath and rub my eyes. “I know this sounds terrible but sometimes I think it's not so bad that she's gone.” 

“Oh, I'm sorry, I… I didn't know.” He stretches his arm across the table towards me but stops just before his hand touches. “Are you OK?” 

“Yeah, I was never really close to her anyway.” I sadly shrug. I realise I’ve never told anyone else any of this. I'm clearly over-tired. 

“And your father?”

“He died when I was 3, I don't remember him. It’s why I’ve had to move here after my mum passed, Uncle Filius is the only member of my family that would take me in.” 

Draco questions in surprise “So it’s true. You are Professor Flitwick's niece?”

“The one and only.” I give him a side smile. 

“Hmmh, well, I know this means nothing… but I don’t think it's all that terrible that you don't feel bad you mother is gone. Sometimes parents aren’t as perfect as they seem.” Draco clicks his fingers and continues, “As you probably know, I’m meant to be meeting my dad this weekend. I have no idea how to explain myself to him. The last time...” Draco stops abruptly at the sound of footsteps coming from the hallway. Two 3rd year students walk in carrying a whole load of sweets whispering to each other in rapid conversation. Draco swiftly stands and informs them that they cannot be out of their dorms so late. They try to oppose but after a stern look from the tall, blonde-haired prefect they give in and return. He takes a second before turning back to me and saying “I think we both ought to go back to our beds as well, it has gotten quite late.”

I look up at him confused, “don't you want to finish what you were saying?”

He shakes his head while holding out a hand to me. “Maybe another time. I’m guessing this won't be the last time we bump into each other, here at this hour.”

I accept his tight grip and with a strong motion he lifts me from the ground. “No, I hope not anyway. This was nice.” I squeeze his hand gently before letting it go and picking up my things. 

His hand combs through his thick hair as he smiles shyly “It was.” He waits as I pick up the last of my books and we walk out together. As we get to the end of the hallway he stops and looks down at me, “are you sure you don't need help taking that stuff up?” I shake my head and with that he yawns. “Well then… good night y/n.” 

“Goodnight Draco.” I glance back as I’m walking up to my room and catch his eyes looking back at me. He instantly pulls his gaze away and for some reason I feel a little disappointed. Goodness me, was I really forming a crush on the Draco Malfoy?

Im writing a few different one shots that can be read on their own or in order for a full story. Here’s the masterlist!

[atc74]

Leather and Weapons

Written for @winchesterprincessbride‘s PrincessBrideChallenge. My prompt was: “I suppose you think you are brave, don’t you?”“Only compared to some.”

Warnings: Kidnapping, mentions of injury, maybe some swearing, but it isn’t angsty, if that makes any sense...

Pairing: Implied Dean x Reader if you squint

WC: 1059

Unbeta’d so all mistakes are mine and mine alone. Feedback is appreciated. 

A freaking witch. Dean was right; witches are filthy, disgusting creatures. This one however was a little sloppy and slow on the uptake so Y/N had gotten the draw on her and was able to put a bullet full of witch killing brew right between her eyes before she was able to finish the spell. Y/N breathed a sigh of relief before she torched the house that contained the dead witch’s body and headed back to the motel before she was spotted.

~*~

“Hey, Dean,” Y/N answered her phone as she wrapped the towel tighter around her breasts.

“Hey, Sweetheart. Hunt going okay?” Dean asked, a touch of concern in his voice as usual when Y/N took on a hunt without them.

“Yeah, you were right; it was a freaking witch. But I melted her before she could get the drop on me. I am going to grab a bite to eat then hit the hay. I will pack it up in the morning and I should be home by late afternoon,” she yawned.

“Alright, Y/N. We’ll see you at home for dinner. Watch your back, Sweetheart,” Dean ended the call and she pulled on her favorite pair of jeans, a clean tank top and a flannel that still had a good day or two left in it. If she was careful, she could wear it home tomorrow. Throwing her boots on and crossing the room, she swung open the door and everything went black.

~*~

Y/N struggled against the ropes binding her tightly to the chair. The room was dimly lit, the only light coming from a bare bulb hanging overhead. Her head hurt and she could feel the bruises as she fought the ropes. With her years of hunting experience, she knew well enough that she had at least a few bruised ribs, a mild concussion and she felt blood dripping down her face. She could see the cuts on her legs through the torn denim and that pissed her off even more; these were her favorite pair.

She felt the burn of the rope as it cut into her already raw skin, but finally she was able to slip the knot and free her upper limbs. She heard footsteps outside the door and ceased her movements, keeping her arms behind her, fighting the need to stretch them. The door creaked open slowly, a large silhouette filled the frame, blocking out the bright light coming from outside the room.

“Good, you’re awake. I was starting to think I hit you harder than I should have, but then I remembered you’re a Winchester’s bitch and would have to be tougher than that to put up with those dicks,” the voice laughed.

“You shut your mouth! The Winchester’s are great men; legacies! You know nothing about them!” Y/N shouted, her voice echoing through the room.

“I know enough. I know that now that I have you, they will come for you. Once they do, I will have you all right where I want you,” he cackled and you could see him rubbing his hands together.

“So what are you? Some revenge seeking Rugaru? Nah, you would have eaten me by now. Oh, a wimpy wolf? Need me to lure the Winchesters out cause you are too scared to go after them yourself? Or maybe a low-level demon. And that is why you want them to come, because you can’t get into my meat suit so I could lead you back to them. Bet you had trouble getting into the ladies pants when you were human, too, huh?” Y/N snickered, a smile on her face as as she waited for the monster to spill his secrets.

“I suppose you think you are brave, don’t you?” he asked, his voice dripping with disdain for her, a meak human in his eyes.

“Only compared to some,” she responded. “I am certainly more brave than you. At least I have the guts to go after something. You can’t even do that. You kidnap me, hold me hostage, hoping that they will get in their big, black steed and come to my rescue, walking straight into your so called trap. But you don’t know me, or them, as well as you think you do, asshole.”

“Oh yeah? Then why don’t you enlighten me, bitch,” he snarled.

“The way I figure, that witch I took out, yesterday, today, I don’t even know, but was she your special lady? So now you are pissed. I took out yours, so now you want to take out theirs. But you forgot one little thing. You didn’t check me for weapons, did you?” Y/N challenged her captor as she pulled her arms out from behind her and reached into the back of her boot.

The shiny blade was flung from her hand with pinpoint precision, hitting the witch right in the heart. He lumbered backwards a few steps, eyes filled with shock before falling face down right in front of her. She made quick work of freeing her legs from the chair, allowing them to stretch before rising.

“Iron blade with silver inlay, dripped in witch killing brew, ya dumb bastard,” Y/N spat as she kicked the body hard enough to roll it over and retrieve her weapon, wiping the blood on his shirt before slipping it back into it’s custom sleeve inside her right boot. “I fucking love these boots!”

Y/N searched the entire house where she had been held, looking for her stuff. She located her room key, car keys and cell on the table in the dingy kitchen. She grabbed a couple of spell books that were laid out and anything else that could be helpful. She unlocked her phone, seeing it had only been a couple hours since she had talked to Dean and called him back.

“Hey Y/N, I thought you would be asleep by now,” Dean drawled out, his speech hindered by the whiskey, no doubt.

“Yeah, about that. Got kidnapped by the bitch witch’s old man. But he is dead now so it’s all good. I just wanted to call and thank you for these awesome boots! You really know the way to a girl’s heart, Dean,” Y/N gushed into her phone.

“Leather and weapons, Sweetheart. Leather and weapons,” Dean chuckled.

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[joshuabehr]

International Men's Day

Today is International Men's Day. Which means in large part it's no different than any day. Although much of the idea a day dedicated to men doesn't sit well with me, I do appreciate at least one aspect of this days intentions: to raise awareness for mental health issues affecting men. Specifically, men are far more likely to commit suicide, due in large part to society molding men to think that talking about their emotions or seeking help is a weakness. "Be a man". "Boys don't cry". Countless other phrases and mindsets mold men into thinking that expressing their emotions in a healthy way isn't what men do. So for International Men's Day, as cringe worthy as that sounds, I wanted to write a bit more about my mental health issues, but also about the woman who is responsible for finally changing me. By being the biggest part of my life, and by then being completely removed from it.

I personally have been very guilty of ignoring my mental health and expressing my emotions in an unhealthy way, largely as a product of the environment I was raised in and my own unwillingness to seek help until a few months ago. My mother's alcoholism, which I've detailed in length in several Facebook posts, created trust issues, commitment issues, and abandonment issues that affected my ability to create and maintain interpersonal relationships, especially when it came to forming romantic relationships that requires utter vulnerability. My Dad was hyper-critical of my brother and I growing up and only knew how to express his feelings through anger. This caused me to become a "perfectionist", afraid to make a single mistake, critical of others mistakes, and unwilling to admit I was less than perfect. Because to be less than perfect was to be a failure.

Combining my parents issues caused anger to be the only way I expressed my emotions. I couldn't take out my feelings of frustration and helplessness on my parents, so I took them out on my brother. Then my friends later in life. I couldn't stand up for myself. And I felt powerless. Rather than let myself be vulnerable and able to be hurt again and again as a child, I bottled up my emotions. I pretended to be okay. If I didn't talk about the problems at home, I wouldn't think about them as much. And then I wouldn't feel them. This continued into my adult life. I had trouble making friends, afraid to be myself around people. Afraid they wouldn't like me. Afraid they'd hurt me, like my parents did.

The friends I did make usually would be shocked to know how much I struggle with mental health. But I've always been a very performative person, able to pretend everything was okay just to get people to like me. Just to get them to think I was normal. My closest friends have seen my anger issues. I've gotten into fights with several friends when my anger boiled over. As shameful as that sounds. Others have seen me distance myself rather than be close enough to be best friends. Because the closer I let people, the more vulnerable I was, the more I could be hurt. So I pushed back.

Romance didnt fare much better. Those of you who know me are likely aware of my history of drunken makeouts at parties, pining after women who didn't share my feelings, etc. Before her there were a solid 7 or so years of one night make outs, or months and months of chasing the same girl who clearly wasn't interested. My confidence was always shaky at best. But night in and night out I was almost always after some girl. Or two. I was constantly seeking affection because my Mom never showed me maternal love. And failed attempt after failed attempt only made my trust issues worse. I *thought* she seemed into me. Guess I was wrong. And because I wasn't consciously aware of my mental health issues, I kept trying the same method without changing anything. Pretty sure that's the definition of insanity...

Things began to change when I met her. She genuinely seemed interested in me. Which was very "new" for me. But also scary. Because I was finally getting what I wanted  (a girlfriend) and that was also "new". And new is usually scary for me. Because the unknown can hurt you. But this was what I had spent years chasing. So I kept falling farther and farther for her. Until I finally mustered up the courage to say "I love you". I still remember that night. And numerous others. Like our first kiss. Or our __ month anniversaries.

She made me feel like I could be myself for once in my life and I can't even begin to express how great a feeling that is. I could be a nerd who collected action figures and played video games. I could show my ability to be a gentleman and take a beautiful woman to dinner, but also cry in front of when I was sad or upset. I thought she was the most beautiful woman in the world. She was without a doubt the best thing that ever happened to me up until that point.

But with being myself came the side of me no one before her ever was close enough to see.  The side that couldn't control his anger. I could cry, sure, but if I wasn't sad all my other emotions were expressed through anger. I would lose my temper. My anxiety overtook me and kept me constantly on edge. Worst, sh saw the side who couldn't let himself be truly vulnerable. And without that I couldn't maintain a genuine relationship with her or with anyone.

And as our talk of love moved towards "forever", my fear overtook me. I was so terrified of being that in love with someone that I emotionally withdrew from our relationship and began to push her away. Because she was getting close enough that she could hurt me worse than anyone before her could. Because I genuinely wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. And that left me paralyzed by fear. So I pushed her away and sabotaged our relationship and things became toxic for the last several months we were together. Ironically I abandoned her in ways similar to what my mother had done to me. And eventually she couldn't stay. She wasn't happy anymore. And we ended.

Which, as horrible as that is, was sadly what I needed to change. My childhood trauma had been so buried, so far down in my subconscious that I wasn't aware of *why* I acted the way I did. I knew what I was doing. And could temporarily correct it. But it wasn't a long term solution because I couldn't fix what was contributing to my actions because I wasn't consciously aware of it. It took an equally traumatic event, losing someone I loved with all of my heart, to shake me out of it and bring all of my issues to the surface, where I could face my demons head on.

For the first time in my life, I had to be accountable for my actions and how they affected someone else. I had to take responsibility for hurting someone I loved. And accept that I had lost her because of the way I was. And that is the hardest thing to do.  Sometimes we dont get a second chance, which is a lesson we all need to learn. I had to admit I wasn't perfect. I had faults. And I needed to fix myself. For the first time in my life I had to genuinely care about taking care of my mental health and correct toxic behaviors I had.

So I started therapy 3 months ago. And I've been working day in and day out to fix myself and take care of my mental health. To finally address 27 years of repressed trauma for the first time in my life. Slowly but surely I've unpacked a lot of issues that have plagued me for years. And I've made a lot of progress towards a much, much better me. I recognize my anger when it starts to boil up and can control it. Not always, but much better than I ever have. I can express my emotions. I can communicate how I feel. I'm mindful of how what I say and I do affects others. My empathy has always been there, but now it's at a point where I truly can help other people because for the first time I can help myself too.

But it hasnt been a smooth ride the whole way. I've had nights where I wanted to die, because someone I loved hated me. To have someone you spent every day and night with become a stranger. To have them go from loving you to seeing you as nothing but bad things. I was a toxic person and nothing more. And to be that devalued as a person was one of the most painful things I've experienced.

I've stumbled along the way, and there are days and nights over these last few months I regret. Along with days and nights from my last relationship. Together, that regret keeps me mindful and motivated. When I stumble, I'm aware of it. I can address it. And I can continue to change. And that is huge for me. I continue to push forward and continue to change for the better. Getting closer and closer every day to where I want to be.

So today, International Men's Day, I bring awareness to my own mental health issues and thoughts of suicide. And to the woman who forced me to change. I will always be grateful for her for that, even as sad as I am that it took losing her to be the catalyst to change. I still think of her often, and hope she's happy. She deserves that much and more. But I'm happy to have known her and happy that she's contributed so greatly to me becoming a "real Man". One who can express his emotions in a healthy way. One who takes his mental health seriously. And one who continues to work day in and day out to never be a toxic in any way again.

I know one day soon I'll reach the potential I have. I'm so close I can almost taste it.

[therewas-a-girl]

promeytheus replied to your post: would you believe that there are literally zero...

AhahhHhahahahabah. 

Can u believe every time I want to see a diggle meta it turns into an ota/olicity thing

Yes. yes i can believe that. easily. 

can you believe that i want to punch someone every time i hear him called Yoda. serious question here, but am i really the only one bothered by this. idk, its not teh name per se but just the feel of it. i cannot put it into words, but it bothers me cause it feels reductive. john is not the holder of some great truth and universal wisdom. he is a wise man, its tru, and very good at balancing his issues out, but i feel like every time someone calls him ‘yoda’ it nullifies those issues and therefore, his depth? 

idk its a weird feeling

Is it me, or is it not okay to want a meta that everything to do with diggle and not somehow be tied back to ota or felicity or oliver

it is not you. 

it most definitely is not fucking okay. it’s tiresome. its bothersome. if you wanna blather my ear off about ota and how important it is - and not mean it as an exclusionary term the way so many mean it -  then lets give all the characters involved their own importance and standing. diggle doesn't only matter when he’s propping up the other two white faves. like, please, he is his own person with his own life and i wanna talk about him a while and how he came to be this person, and where this wisdom in him comes from, and the sadness in him comes from and how come that he is so well balanced and how hard he tries, to look that way. if he fails, and breaks sometimes and how he puts himself back together. 

or if he’s not the type to do that at all!

maybe john is with himself the way he is with everything else. maybe he is the kind that feels conflicted and is in great pain and lost when he doesnt know what to do, how to solve a problem. but once he makes up his mind, that’s it. he will be unshakable from then on, and he will force everything to make sense because he has already decided and THAT is where this sense of certainty and security that he gives off comes from

but tho i have these thoughts i would love to compare them to other people’s. i would love ot hear more talk of john, of the workings of his mind, expand my own understanding of him. i cant do that if everything circles back to the two assholes in love he shares a tea with. 

or if you wanna play it like that, then make it an OT3 and we’ll all be happy. 

but no, that’s not okay is it?

Like ke where are my metas about his relationship with lyla and what it must be like to have a son but know he had a daughter.

Yes where? how did john and lyla fall in love? who fell first? why does john love her? why does she love him? as in, what are the traits that one is most drawn to in the other? what are the things that they appreciate the most? are attracted to the most? you have one of the greatest, best love stories of Arrow here - these people fell in love when they were at war. 

how did that fail them? how does it feel, when love fails you? how does it leave you? how does it change you? how did it change john and Lyla? what did they do differently the second time around? do they think about the mistakes they made, do they knowledge  them. how do they deal with the things that never change: their pov-s about the world, about right and wrong, means and the ends. how do they deal with their differing ideas on necessity and morality? at the end of the day they must agree with each other on at least a part of their worldviews. 

who is this man anyway? how does he like his coffee? what smells can’t he stand? is he the kind that does spring cleaning? who, between him and lyla, goes grocery shopping more often? how does he like to be kissed, touched? how do john and lyla prefer to fuck? these are all valid questions! who is the one between them with a real taste for pretty things (i think it’s john); who likes to go shopping for tickets? both, neither? who goes to war and comes back with souvenirs? what cant they stand about the other? the little bits of irritating habits? do they ever laugh about those? what does a fight between them look like?

how did it feel when John left for the army again? what did they talk about? what did lyla feel? what did john feel? how would it hurt them to see their marriage flounder so dangerously for the second time. they are both matter-of-fact people but they are both people who love with their whole hearts. how many times can the two same people break each other’s hearts? and yet they keep loving each other. i mean - come on! 

can john imagine having a daughter? he’s the realist, the practical person. to him a never-there daughter is imaginary. but he was still very upset when he learned what barry had done. does he think about her? does he talk to lyla about her? does this sara they have never met come up when tehy talk about having another child? does it scare them? 

Or about how he went from seeing Andy and literally was having hallucinations and then his story was just wrapped up.  Since his s/l was my favorite last season it disappointed me so much how his s/l this season played out. So much potential wasted.

OH ANDY. people talk about oliver’s sacrifices a lot but imagine for a moment of oliver had to kill thea with his own hands. because making a parallel with the white male fav is the best way to get ppl to stop and think, so yeah i went there. 

imagine sara having to kill laurel, felicity having to kill her mother. 

john was so shaken, so traumatized that he doubted his whole world. he didnt know what was right and wrong anymore and for a man who relies so much on those set definitions that is like having him continuously tumbling down a rabbit hole. 

he sought some steady ground in a structure that he knew, that he had relied on before: the military. he wanted the simplicity of being a soldier again. of not having to decide right and wrong, of just following orders. he wanted to detach himself from people he had failed, from the normal life he couldnt adjust to, from the every day responsibilities because how could be fulfill them when he couldn’t judge anything right. which is very important for someone like him. he needs a structure, clear lines that he needs to keep himself within. he believes those clear lines will keep him from making huge mistakes in judgment - he told this to oliver in s1 when oliver started fucking around with Helena and making excuses for her murderous streak. 

this is literally like when oliver went back to lian yu after season 1 man. 

the military failed him. he coudlnt rely on anyone thinking for him, making decisions for him. maybe it was also a kind of punishment though - going away. 

no, it was. he hated himself so much over what he’d done that Deadshot - a man he’d hated for years - came to keep him company. which means that john hated his own self about as much as he’d hated Deadshot. which means that he really wanted to give up. john diggle wanted to give up on himself, to find some kind of atonement. or maybe he was just so tired and didnt believe he was worth it. 

oliver got him out - john went back to his family. how did he and lyla reconnect? what did they talk about? how did he explain himself to lyla? did he? what exactly changed - how - in him, that he went from the man happy to rot in  a cell to the man that wanted to fight for himself. was being with his family what changed him? was the team? oliver? lyla? was feeling how loved and dear he was to everyone whose life he’d touched what brought him back to some semblance of the man he was?

these are all things worth discussing. 

[viralhottopics]

Everything You Need To Know About Choosing The Right Guy

The following is excerpted from the book Everything You Need To Know If You Want Love That Lasts.

Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them. ~ Bill Maher

All the relationship advice in the world wont make any difference if youre choosing the wrong guy. This is the step that often gets missed or overlooked. Women hammer away, trying to pound the proverbial square peg into a round hole, then wonder what theyre doing wrong, why they cant seem to make it fit, why they cant get the love they want. You cant turn a losing stock into a winning stock. You cant force someone to change and to want what you want. You cant convince someone to feel a certain way about you.

I spent way too long chasing after guys who wouldnt or couldnt give me what I wanted, and then I wondered what was wrong with me when it didnt get me lasting love! The problem was simple: I was choosing the wrong men. It sounds straightforward enough, but its a very tricky thing. We fall for these guys because it feels so right, because were swept up in the passion, the chemistry, and the intoxicating aura of unavailability; we get sucked into the space that exists when someone is just beyond our reach and it makes us yearn for him. We convince ourselves that this is it, that hes the one and we just need to make him see it.

This is where the problems develop. This is where all the questions and tears and doubt and uncertainties and fears start to consume you. You mistake these feelings for true love because maybe youve never felt this way before, and you think it must be because this guy is different and this relationship is meant to last.

This is just a glimpse into the confusion that ensues when you choose the wrong guy. If youre hung up on a man who cant commit or wont commit or who is mean to you or who is just a mean person in general, a guy with baggage, a guy with serious issues, a guy who you think would be perfect if only he changed such and such, then youre setting yourself up to lose before you even begin, and you are blocking yourself from ever finding the love you want.

Where Healthy Relationships Begin

Before we talk about what to look for in a guy, its important to look at how relationships begin. The start of a relationship can oftentimes color our lenses and sometimes lead us down a bad path and into a toxic relationship.

Here’s a situation that may sound familiar to you (it was certainly a recurring theme for me in my single life!) You meet someone, something clicks, and suddenly it feels like a force outside of you has taken over.

After this encounter you can’tfor the life of youget this guy out of your head. You try to think about other things but nothing works. You ruminate over every detail of your interaction with himwhat he said, what you said, what his body language said. You think about the things you wish you had said.

You check your phone constantly to see if he called or texted. If he does, your stomach drops, your heart races, you want to leap off your seat and shout for joy. And then of course you need to figure out the exact right thing to say back to him, the perfect quip to show him that you’re perfect for each other.

The high continues as you venture into a relationship, and it becomes even more intense. You never quite know where you stand with him. The uncertainty keeps you on your toes, constantly on alert for something that looks like a bad sign or an ominous foreshadowing. This emotional rollercoaster is as thrilling as it is exhausting. You’re hooked. The worst possible thing that could happen is him leaving. It’s a fear you can’t quite shake no matter how promising the situation looks, a fear that drives everything you say and do.

Now another scenario.

You meet a guy, you think he’s nice and all, you have a good conversation, and he gets your number. While you’re pleased, you don’t go into a tizzy over it. You may check his Facebook profile, but only for a few minutes. You are happy to hear from him if he calls or texts, but you don’t notice the hours that pass in between your interactions. You go out a few times, not expecting much, but soon enough your interest and attraction begin to grow. Things feel calm, there’s no drama, no heart palpitations and it feels really nice.

Which relationship do you think has a stronger chance of survival?

Instinctively, you would say the second one. In real life, you would fall for the first. That’s because the first scenario illustrates everything we’ve ever been told about love.

In movies and romance novels, love is this grand, all-consuming force that takes you over in the most dramatic of ways. There are huge obstacles to overcome, but it’s OK because love conquers all! I mean, would any of us have cared for “The Notebook” if Ali and Noah were of the same social status, went on a few lukewarm dates, then got to know each other and developed a deepening connection over time? Don’t think so.

Unhealthy Relationships Start With a Pull

Relationships that start from a place of pure, unadulterated passion can seldom survive unless they have some substance and depth of connection to stand on. Explosive chemistry isnt what creates a lasting, healthy relationship. It can lead to great sex and feelings of euphoria, and you may come to understand why they say love is a drug, but no matter how intense and all consuming, that sort of thing is seldom sustainable long term.

When you feel a strong and sudden pull towards someone else, the kind that causes you to turn him from mere mortal to deity-like being, something sinister is usually at play. OK, maybe not sinister, but something that isnt exactly what you would term romantic. There are a few good reasons why we might become inexplicably drawn to someone who isnt good for us.

Imago Theory

This theory, developed by clinical pastoral counselor Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., posits that the pull we feel towards another person is guided by our unconscious desire to rectify some issue from our past. Imago is Latin for image, and the theory essentially states that we unconsciously seek partners who reflect the image of our primary caregivers so that we can try to heal lingering wounds inflicted by them by working through issues with someone in their image. These relationships present the opportunity to heal ourselves and become whole again, but they also pose the risk of continuing to pour salt into open wounds.

How it pans out is something like this: if your parents always made you feel like you weren’t good enough, you may seek out guys who make you feel like youre not good enough, then try to win them over in an attempt to rectify those painful feelings from your past.

If your father was very critical, you may find yourself drawn to a man who is very critical, trying to win his love and approval in order to heal from the hurt of your fathers rejection. These decisions aren’t conscious, they happen very deep beneath the surface in areas we can’t easily access. When we meet someone, we immediately sense everything about him, especially the way he makes us feel (again, this happens unconsciously).

On a conscious level, you may assess the things he says, but on an unconscious level, you’re looking at his body language, his tone, the way he phrases things, how much eye contact he makes, his whole demeanor. If your unconscious finds something familiar in that person, something that reminds you of an unresolved hurt from the past, it will light up and push you towards that person.

You may also unconsciously seek out partners who have some quality that is underdeveloped in you. For example, if you’re a Type A workaholic and always wished you could ease up, you may be drawn to a laid-back partner who isn’t so driven.

Maybe this sounds a little too New Agey to you, or maybe it doesnt describe your situation at all, but its a powerful concept and it has gained a

lot of praise and recognition in the field of psychology so its worth considering. I know Ive seen some of this at play in my own dating life.

Infatuation

Being infatuated sounds like a grand, romantic thing, but it can actually be quite dangerous. The problem with infatuation is it isnt based on anything real. Infatuation causes you to fall in love with an image rather than an actual person. It causes you to put someone on a pedestal and overlook his flaws. Since he’s so “perfect,” you become afraid to be yourselfI mean, how could your true self ever compete with perfection? You don’t want to say the wrong thing and scare him off, so you aren’t genuine in your interactions. You rely on his approval so desperately that you also become a bit needy. You may not act needy, but it’s something that lurks beneath the surface and he will pick up on it … men always do. You lose your sense of worth because it becomes so wrapped up in how he feels about you.

Healthy Relationships Build Slowly

Healthy relationships usually begin with mutual interest and attraction that grows over time. This is the complete opposite of unhealthy relationships, which usually start out with a grand light show that quickly simmers into ash. If you can internalize this, it will change the way you date forever.

The most important trait to develop is objectivity. No one really talks about that because its not so sexy, but if you want to find lasting love and prevent yourself from getting hurt, youll need to learn how to use your head a little more than your heart, at least in the beginning. Your heart can lead you into all kinds of bad places. Your heart is the one that tells you its a great idea to go for the bad boy whos just so dreamy, even when hes out on parole and struggling with addictions, or has told you he wont be in a committed relationship, ever. Your heart convinces you that the heart wants what the heart wants and who are you to deny your heart? Your heart doesnt operate according to reason or rational. It makes you do things that you later look back on and wonder, what was I thinking? But you werent thinking, thats not what the heart does. OK, I know Im being mean to the heart. It does have its benefits, but that comes later. In the beginning of a relationship, its best to remain as objective as possible and try to keep your emotions mostly contained.

The best way to do this is to try to go slowly. Ease into the relationship instead of diving in head first. This will create an environment for you to allow your level of interest and attraction to grow steadily over time, rather than flooding you all at once in a big emotional tsunami.

If you spend all your time with him, you risk overlooking critical information about who he really is and if the relationship is built to last. Just because two people feel strongly for each other it doesn’t always mean they can be together.

It is imperative to have a foundation of compatibility, shared goals and interests, and common values. Some things simply can’t be negotiated. Before you emotionally invest, it is wise to determine if you are fundamentally compatible. And the best way to do this is to go slowly. I dont necessarily mean physically, I mean emotionally.

When you first meet someone, you want to spend every minute of every day with him. You talk for hours and hours on the phone, text all day, you can’t get enough. The obvious reason this is problematic is because you may end up relying too heavily on the relationship for your happiness, but also, you don’t get a break from the emotional excitement and stimulation of it all. Then, if you realize this guy may not be right for you, you’ll be in too deep to get yourself out of the situation. You’ll instead rely on some clich like “love conquers all” to justify staying with him.

I am not saying to stay away from guys you feel a strong immediate attraction to and only date guys you’re only “meh” about. I think you should date both kinds of guythe infatuation guy could turn out to be a loser and the “meh” guy could turn out to be the love of your life. (I’ve seen it happen countless times!)

Either way you have to date smart. This will come more naturally with “meh” than it will with the object of your infatuation.

If you just met or just started seeing someone, I strongly advise that you try to limit how much time you spend with him early on. Try to not go on more than two dates a week or engage in marathon texting sessions that go all day. When you do this, you never get a break from the emotional high and you dont get a chance to come back down and recalibrate.

So many girls make the mistake of getting caught up in how the guy feels about them rather than focusing on how they feel about him.

You can avoid falling into this trap by doing regular reality checks. Make sure you see him and the situation clearly. The best way to do this is to make sure you can recognize his flaws. The way you know you’re infatuated is if you see no flaws. has flaws.

Why It Matters

When you get in over your head, you may convince yourself that something like him wanting to live only in the country and you wanting to live only in the city is not such a big deal. Someone who maintains a more objective perspective would acknowledge that she would be miserable living in the country, and since this guy wouldn’t choose to live anywhere else, she would get out of the situation.

I’ve seen (and personally experienced) many situations where a couple breaks up after a long period of time because of some issue that was apparent right from the beginningtheyre different religions, want to live in different states, one person doesn’t want kids. In every one of these situations, the couple believed that things would magically just work out. Imagine how much time and effort they would have saved and heartbreak they would have avoided had they been dating with their heads instead of their hearts from the beginning.

Qualities That Make Him a Keeper

A lot of women write to me begging to understand why their relationships always fail why guys treat them badlywhy they always get hurt … why they can’t get a guy to commit. The common thread in most of these cases is that these women are choosing men who clearly are not husbandor even relationshipmaterial and hoping that by some chance the men will suddenly transform into the knights in shining armor they want. This type of situation doesn’t exist anywhere aside from cheesy romantic comedies. If you choose to pursue a relationship with a guy who clearly isn’t relationship material, then you’re setting yourself up to fail before you even begin.

Trust me, I know all too well how enticing those damage cases can be. Sure, he has emotional issues, he’s jaded, he’s struggling at work, he has no direction, he still acts like a frat boy even though his acting-like-a-drunk-idiot-and-getting-away-with-it days expired years ago, but there’s a really great guy underneath all that and as soon as we deal with all this other stuff, then we’ll have an amazing relationship. I’m sorry, but no.

The problem with these damage cases is that they often have a lot of the qualities we want, but not the ones we actually need. There is a big difference between wants and needs when it comes to relationships, but it’s not always easy to make the distinction. You might want a guy who is tall and strapping and charismatic and a CEO of a major company, but a guy with those credentials might have a host of other qualities that arent good for you and dont fulfill your fundamental emotional needs. My husband is the opposite of the “ideal man” I had envisioned for myself, but even though he doesn’t have certain qualities I used to consider requirements, he is exactly what I need. That was clear to me and everyone around me very early into our relationship.

When I hit that stage in life where I realized I was done dating for the sake of dating and wanted to settle down and find “the one,” I realized that the kinds of guys I liked to date weren’t necessarily husband material, and I had to really examine my list of wants and needs and figure out the differences between the two. Doing so made all the difference. Suddenly the damage cases who were once oh so appealing did nothing for me.

Whether you’re single, dating, or in a serious relationship, these are the most essential qualities you need to look for in a man, the ones that tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt that he’s the one and this is it.

He loves your good qualities and accepts and embraces the bad without making you feel guilty for having flaws. You don’t need to hide your true self from him and put on a front in order to be what you think he wants. You can share your true self and be vulnerable and feel safe doing so, knowing that if anything it will make him feel even closer to you.

He is there for you when you need him, even if it’s inconvenient for him. A partnership will sometimes require sacrifice and compromise. Life is unpredictable and unexpected. You can’t predict what will happen and nothing can possibly go as planned 100% of the time. A guy who is husband material will be there for you when you need him. He will be in it with you; he will be your partner in whatever happens and will weather the storm with you, even though he might prefer to stay in the sunshine.

He considers you when making decisions, both big and small. A relationship is a partnership, not a dictatorship. Factoring you in shows that he respects you and that he wants to create a life with you, not simply envelope you in his world. Our worlds can be comfortable when we dont have to compromise, so it’s not always easy taking someone else into account and factoring in their wants and needs and preferences, but that’s what a relationship is.

He is growth oriented. No one is perfect; we all have flaws. And these flaws aren’t black and whiteusually a person’s greatest strength is linked to his greatest weakness. In a relationship, his behavior affects you (and vice versa) and sometimes his less developed traits will have a negative impact on you. A growth-oriented guy will want to work to strengthen his character. A guy who isn’t growth oriented will say its your problem and that this is just the way he is and you need to deal with it.

For example, let’s say you’re dating a guy who can be insensitive at times. Maybe he doesn’t give you emotional support when you’ve had a rough day and instead just gives you matter of fact advice in a direct way. His no-nonsense approach to solving problems might be useful to him in the workplace, but it might be hurtful to you sometimes when he doesn’t empathize with what you’re going through and instead just tells you what to do about it, or gets impatient by the fact that you’re upset over something he doesn’t consider to be that big of a deal.

You want a guy who will accept that his tone can come across as harsh and hurtful to you and who actually tries to work on it, not one who says it’s your problem and you need to deal with it. He probably won’t get it right every time, but if he’s growth oriented he will at least try.

He has similar beliefs and values. This one seems so obvious yet it’s so often overlooked. Love does not in fact conquer all. If you are not fundamentally compatible, you will face major hurdles ahead. If he is going to be your life partner, you have to make sure you are both on the same page when it comes to issues that matter. And if you aren’t on the same page, then make sure he respects where you stand (and vice versa) and that youre both willing to work together to reach a mutually fulfilling understanding about your differences.

Everyone’s values are different. For some, their values will be rooted in religion. Other people value a strong work ethic, while some value a commitment to a healthy lifestyle. It may sound trivial, but I’ve seen very serious, long-term relationships end because one person couldn’t deal with the other’s lack of ambition or motivation.

He views you as his partner. The relationship is something more than each of you individually … together, you and he are a team. And as that team, you are both individually stronger than you could be on your own. He sees you as his equal, as a person of great value, someone he can grow with. Not someone who is there to feed his ego, give him validation, be his emotional crutch, or be there solely to satisfy his needs.

He respects everything about youyour thoughts, ambitions, opinions, the things you say, the company you keep, your job. He doesn’t make you feel bad about your life circumstances and he appreciates the person you are and the choices you have made.

He wants to make you happy. One of a mans most fundamental needs in a relationship is to make his girl happy. It may not always feel like it or look like it, but its true. In order to truly bond with a woman, a man needs to feel like he can make her happy. And when a man truly cares for a woman, he wants to do whatever it takes to make her happy. Love is a selfless thing. If you love people because they make you feel great about yourself, then it isnt real love. When a man shows he genuinely cares about you and your happiness, even if it sometimes comes at the expense of his own happiness, then you know his feelings are for real.

He communicates with you, even about tough issues and even if one of you is upset with the other. With the right guy, you won’t be afraid of bringing up certain things for fear of rocking the boat. You know he respects you and will see what you have to say as valid and important. Every relationship will face its share of obstacles. There will be fights, miscommunications, arguments, and also times when one partner isn’t feeling loved. The only way to emerge from the tough times better and stronger is to work through them together, and this starts with open communication.

He wants the same kind of commitment you want. A guy can have all the qualities on this list, but if he doesn’t want to marry you (or commit in the way you want), or maybe doesn’t want to get married in general, then he is not for you. When a guy is ready to get married and meets a girl he thinks he can spend his life with, he knows pretty early on. That’s not to say hell get engaged right away, but he knows this is it and she knows it too. Maybe he tells her or maybe it’s so obvious he doesn’t even need to. It might be the wrong time, maybe he wants to wait until he’s more established in his career or more financially stable, but he will still convey his level of commitment; she won’t be left hanging and guessing and wondering.

If he still feels like he has wild oats to sow and is drawn to the single, bachelor, party-boy lifestyle, he is not commitment minded and you are setting yourself up for disappointment. If what you want is a serious, lasting commitment, make sure he is on the same page before you become invested. When a guy is ready for a serious commitment, it’s usually pretty obvious. And if it isn’t, then bring it up and discuss it with him. If he’s husband material, he’ll understand. If he isn’t then at least now you know before it’s too late! And yes, I understand that not every woman makes getting married a goal and I respect that. But Im speaking to those who want a lasting commitment, be it marriage or a partnership without a legal piece of paper.

But the Most Important Quality of All Is

He wants to make it work. Hes willing to put in any amount of effort. If there is a problem, he wants to find a way to solve it. He wants to work harder, to be better, to be his best self. The important thing to keep in mind is that people have different ideas about what it means to put effort into a relationship. He might believe that working hard and being good at his job is putting in effort because he wants to provide for you and give you nice things and a comfortable lifestyle. (I use this as an example because it’s a classic point of contention between men and women: she will often view him working too much as him putting no effort into the relationship and being married to his work).

I remember the exact moment I knew my husband was the one. After about a month of everything being perfect (as they usually are in the beginning), we had our first conflict. It was nothing major; we just started experiencing areas where our personalities clashed and seeing how we process things differently. I tend to be more intellectual and straightforward in my thinking, while he’s more emotional and dynamic in his thinking. I would get impatient with this, and my impatience was hurtful to him. The details don’t really matter, what matters is that I remember the way he brought the issue up and how sincere he was about working through things and getting to a place of better understanding.

I have seen countless variations of this kind of scenario: girl is dating a guy, things are going great (again, as they often do in the beginning), but then they hit that inevitable point of conflict. Maybe she acts needy or maybe he gets distant, but whatever happens suddenly things aren’t as seamless as they were the week before. Then he decides he can’t hang anymore and tells her he “doesn’t have time for a relationship” or he can’t give her what she needs. The girl racks her brain trying to figure out what she did wrong, what she could have done differently.

She thinks if she hadn’t been so needy, if she had been a little more chilled out, if she hadnt done this and instead done that. Really, the only way things would have turned out differently is if she had behaved perfectly according to his script, if shed never disagreed or been unhappy with him, if shed been perfectly in alignment with his thoughts and what he wanted in a partner. That sounds reasonable, right? (That’s sarcasm in case it didn’t come across!)

If a guy leaves when things get a little rocky, it means he is lacking in the most important quality you need in a partner, and that is a man who is committed not only to you, but to making it work. It’s easy to be in a relationship when everything is all sunshine and roses. The truth comes out after time goes on, when you let your guard down, when you can be more of yourselves instead of the absolute best version of yourselves. Even the best couples don’t seamlessly fit together. There is always a certain degree of work involved in order to create that deep and meaningful connection, and it has to come from both people.

When a guy is ready to settle down and sees you as a good potential partner, he wants to make it work. He wants to overcome the differences, to get to a place of better understanding. My husband and I are so different. The way we think and feel is different, and the way we communicate is different. In the beginning of our relationship this definitely caused problems, but now, after really committing to working on it, we have hit this amazing place of understanding and are so much more in sync. The differences still exist, but we were able to meet in the middle. Even when things got difficult, I wasn’t any less sure he was the guy for me because of how deeply committed he was to making it work.

A big mistake I see women making is blaming themselves when a relationship falls apart. They torture themselves with could haves and should haves. I should have been less needy, I should have been more agreeable, I could have been more supportive, etc. Yeah, you could have done all that, but it wouldn’t have mattered if he wasn’t committed to making it work.

There will always be differences, there will always be problems, you will not always behave exactly how he wants a partner to behave (same for him).

A relationship isn’t about finding the perfect match, it’s about finding someone you can form a meaningful, lasting partnership with. Notice the word form. It’s an active process; it doesn’t just exist. It’s about working together, being a team, and overcoming the challenges.

Some people have deal-breakers and that’s that. Maybe it’s religion or where to live or lifestyle preferences. But all the other stuffpersonality quirks, your nature, your ways of interacting in social settings, your fundamental traits … either he’s in it or he’s not. And if he’s not, then there is nothing you can do.

Red Flags You Should Never Ignore

Every relationship is different and comes with a unique set of circumstances. However, there are some universal standards that indicate a guy isnt the right one for you, a few red flags that should never be ignored but usually are.

You Don’t Trust Him

Without trust, there is no relationship. Period. In a good, strong, healthy relationship you feel at ease. You feel safe. You feel secure. You do not feel constantly panicked and on edge, always anticipating the proverbial other shoe to drop.

If you don’t believe the things he tells you or are always questioning his motives and his whereabouts, there is something majorly amiss. You can’t spend your life constantly on the lookout; that’s just exhausting.

Sometimes a lack of trust develops because of something substantial. Maybe he cheated, maybe you caught him in a few too many lies. And sometimes it’s something that lingers in the pit of your gut. Even though you can’t quantify the reason, you just don’t feel like you can trust this person. Either way, it’s a big red flag and a major sign that your relationship isn’t going to last.

If he cheated on you or lied to you, then you’ll have to be honest with yourself when you decide if you can truly move past it and if you really, genuinely believe that he’ll never do the same thing again. If you can’t get to that place, then there isn’t much point in sticking it out. You’re just setting yourself up for a life in which you always feel paranoid and insecure. Relationships are supposed to bring out your best, not your worst.

If you can’t quite pinpoint the reason for your trust issues, you should listen to your gut. Our gut instincts can be incredibly powerful. Just make sure you aren’t projecting your own insecurities onto him and aren’t making him pay for the sins of a cheating/lying ex.

There Is No Depth of Connection

Sexual chemistry is great and is definitely important, but that alone can’t sustain a relationship. An amazing sex life is only one piece of the puzzle, yet for a lot of couples it’s the only leg the relationship has to stand on. I know so, so many women who got so engulfed by the intoxicating chemistry they experienced with their partner that they overlooked every sign that clearly showed he wasn’t the one and wasnt even that great of a person.

For a relationship to last, you need to have depth of connection. You need to know your partner intimately, and this goes way beyond his bedroom skills. You need to know who he is, what he wants out of life, and what his hopes, dreams, and fears are. You need to connect to each other in an honest, unguarded way.

Each person is composed of many layers. In our lives, some people see the surface layer, a select few see what lies beneath the exterior, and very few see straight to the core. Your life partner should be in the last group.

Knowing the basics about someone isn’t knowing who they are. If you know the same things about your guy as most of the other people in his life, then you don’t have much depth of connection. Fortunately, this issue is one that can be fixed. Try to make an effort to connect to him in a real way. If he resists, or you still don’t feel like youre connecting in a significant way, then it means he’s probably not that invested in you or the relationship. Or maybe you’re just not the right fit for one another.

Attraction and sexual chemistry are never enough to sustain a relationship. If that’s all you have thats fine, but you might want to move on if you’re serious about finding the one.

Lack of Respect

Respect is the most overlooked element when it comes to making a relationship work, but it’s one of the most essential. If you’re going to have a long-lasting, healthy relationship, you must respect your partner and he must respect you.

Respect is huge for guys. In fact, I’d say it’s the number one thing men want out of their relationship. Just as most women need to feel loved and adored, men need to feel respected and admired. A man needs to feel like the man; he needs to feel respected. If you don’t respect him or the way he lives his life, he will resent you and will not want to be with you long term.

At the same time, you need to be with a partner who respects you. This means he respects you as a person: your beliefs, your aspiration, and especially your boundaries.

Eye rolling has actually been shown by famous relationship researcher John Gottman to be a big predictor of divorce, and it’s no surprise eye rolling is a manifestation of contempt, which is the opposite of respect.

He Brings out Your Worst

As I mentioned earlier, relationships are supposed to bring out your best.

The sad fact is, a lot of women end up shackled to a person who brings out their worst.

Sometimes you might not even recognize the person that your relationship has turned you into. That was definitely the case for me many years back before I knew any better. I made the same mistake countless women make. I got so caught up in my feelings for the guy that I overlooked the fact that I didn’t really like myself all that much when I was around him.

Throughout the course of my yearlong relationship with Eric, I was unrecognizable from my previous confident, happy, positive self. Instead I felt insecure, panicked, anxious, and perpetually on edge, but I couldn’t let go because of my strong feelings for him. Those feelings locked me in a tight grip, and it was only when the relationship inevitably imploded that I was able to see just how toxic the situation truly was.

It wasn’t that he was a bad guy; he was just bad for me. It’s a fact that would have saved me years of heartache had I realized it sooner. While getting myself out of that relationship felt impossible, the end was always inevitable because we brought out the worst in each other.

The point is, a relationship should lift you higher, not drag you down. It should help you reach your potential and become the best version of yourself. Of course relationships can’t be all sunshine and roses all the time. They take patience and work. But this work leads to a positive place, a place of growth and understanding and more love and connection. Bad relationships are ones where the work involved is expending energy on fighting and arguing and trying to win. A relationship wont always feel perfect and pleasant, but overall it will help you grow into a better person, as long as youre with a good guy who is committed to making it work and loves and appreciates you for who you are.

He Doesn’t Take Responsibility

One of the biggest relationship red flags is when someone wont take responsibility for anything and instead blames you, maybe using a justification along the lines of, “Well I wouldn’t yell at you if you weren’t being so annoying.” Rather than admitting when hes wrong, he comes up with excuses and justifications for his behaviors and reasons to blame you.

One of the biggest indicators of psychopaths or sociopaths is not being able to take responsibility; its a fundamental lack of empathy that prevents them from ever being able to see the other persons perspective. However, it doesnt always start out this way. In the beginning hes enraptured by you and everything you do is right. Then suddenly he’s unhappy and he blames you for everything that’s wrong. If you erroneously reason that youre the problem, he may feed this mentality. You don’t inspire him enough, you don’t give him what he needs, you arent supportive enough, youre always negative. It’s always you, never him.

Im not saying every guy who cant take responsibility is a psycho; he could just be immature. But it is something to keep in mind because narcissists are out there and this is one of their key features.

Hes Selfish

I have a friend who was seeing a guy she really liked, and she continued to date him even though he was clearly a bit immature and selfish and not ready to settle down (we joked that he had her sexmotized and thats why she wasnt able to break free of his spell). There were signs of trouble all over the place, but most were little things and thats why they were easy to sweep under the rug.

For example, one night she suggested they go to a vegetarian Indian restaurant she loved, and he got all pissy and said there wasnt a point in going out for Indian food if he couldnt eat meat. Never mind the fact that he always chose the restaurants, that they always did what he wanted, that they always slept at his apartment because thats what he wanted, or the fact that he had told her to pick a place for dinner. It was the one time she got to decide something, and she was overruled because it wasnt what he wanted.

This may seem like a silly example, but it demonstrates the essence of selfishness, one that will continue to pop up when dealing with a selfish person. And in that relationship, it did, over and over until finally she couldnt take it anymore and ended it. (This launched the make-up and break-up cycle for a while, because thats what happens when you linger in a relationship with the wrong guy, but eventually they cut it off for good.)

Selfish people also tend to engage in selfish love. That is, they love you when you make them feel good; when youre behaving how they want you to, theyre the best partners ever. When you go off script, then they withdraw and wont do anything for you in a sort of tit-for-tat retaliation.

Thats not how a relationship works. A relationship isnt there to serve one person. Its a partnership and its about working together, not one person working for the other.

Let Your Gut Be Your Guide

I mentioned the importance of listening to your gut earlier and want to get into it a little deeper because its an essential skill, one that can keep you out of sticky situations. f At the end of the day, you usually already know the answers to your dating questions. The lists I provided of qualities to look for and red flags to watch out for can help you see things more clearly, maybe making it harder to hide from whats right in front of you, but oftentimes you already know. You know when a guy isnt worthy of youwhen youre wasting your time, when youre not being treated the way you would like to be treated or the way you know you deserve to be treatedbut you push this knowledge down because you just dont want to deal with it. You dont want to deal with a breakup, with putting yourself back on the market, with dating more guys, navigating the waters, trying to find a guy who cares about you. You dont want to because its exhausting! It seems somehow easier to stick with whats broken and try to just make it work.

In a good, strong, healthy relationship, you feel loved and secure. You don’t question whether your man is using you and if the things he says are genuine. You just feel at ease. Feeling constantly on edge, waiting anxiously for the other shoe to drop, is usually a sign that something is amiss and your instincts are trying to open your eyes to a reality you don’t want to see.

Your gut is a powerful tool in relationships. It’s something we all possess and it can be fine-tuned to work optimally. The way to get in touch with it is to listen to what it’s telling you. Listen to that small, quiet voice that gently tells you: “You deserve more than this, you don’t need this guy.”

The voice of your ego is loud and overpowering. It tells you “Of course hes the guy for you! So what if he disappears for days at a time, he told you that you were the most amazing women he’s ever met, so I mean, DUH! He loves you.”

Your ego shouts over the noise and convinces you that the outcome you want is reality because it has a lot at stake should this not be the case.

Most people allow their egos to get so entangled in their relationships that when the relationship collapses, their ego comes crashing down with it and then absolute misery ensues.

Our unconscious mind has a whole arsenal of information that our conscious mind doesn’t have easy access to. It has stored up pretty much everything that’s ever happened to us and makes decisions accordingly.

Have you ever met someone and liked him right away even though you barely knew him? Or maybe you meet someone who seems perfectly nice, but you just can’t stand her? This is the unconscious at work. The people we’re drawn to oftentimes remind us of people we’ve had positive encounters with in the past. So too with the people we don’t like right off the bat.

You can pick up on things subconsciously without even realizing it, and it will cause you to have a feeling that you can’t quite pinpoint or explain.

The point is, most of the time you already know the answer. The problem is that you wish it were a different answer so instead of accepting it you whittle away what you know with rationalizations.

Here are a few tips to help you get better acquainted with your gut:

Ask yourself a question and listen for the immediate answer. For example, if you’re debating whether or not to dump your boyfriend, ask yourself: “Should I break up with him?” and listen to what first pops into your head. The real answer will most often come first, and then the excuses and justifications will pile on top.

Make the decision and then listen to your body. If it’s a bad decision you’ll feel an aversion to it, usually in the pit of your stomach.

Check with a friend. It can help to get an outsider’s perspective because sometimes we can mistake wishful thinking for our gut instincts. Talk to a friend you trust for a dose of objectivity.

Practice mindfulness. Most people live their lives bouncing from one thing to the nextwork, errands, happy hour. There isn’t that much time to listen to our own thoughts. Try to stay mindful and conscious throughout the day and check in with yourself to see what you’re thinking and feeling. It also helps to set aside some reflection time. You can use this time to meditate, do yoga, journal, take a walk around the parkanything that will give you the space to check in with yourself.

Remember this: Choice is everything. It will largely determine if a relationship succeeds and lasts or fails and leaves you broken-hearted. The good news is that you have the power to choose the man you let into your life. Choose wisely!

Love doesnt have to be that hard, by Sabrina Alexis is available here.

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from Everything You Need To Know About Choosing The Right Guy