#didnt know it existed till the next day :sad:

[aokuni]

hey guys just know that white gel pens are your best friend (hence the weird white lines on fatal- wait…)

anyways heres error, ink, and ya boy fatal error just vibing and totally not anything suspicious- aNYWAYS PEOPLE ARE FRWKAING OUT OVER PAPYRUS TALKING ABOUT GREEN GRASS DANGIT I SHOULDVE ASKED HIM AQUESTION TOO anyways how are yall.

[ficyorick]

[BE] deleted scenes clean-up :) - ch5

with chapter 6 published, heres a scene i was holding onto from chapter 5 (the one with the kessler reveal). originally, butcher was going to disclose a bit more about his traumatic childhood, prompting homelander to be a rude cunt to him. i removed that scene bc i felt like it was a). too self-aware for both of them b). i didnt want homelander to be TOO feisty from the get-go, i wanted to work up to it. i still like this scene tho, like homelander WOULD just ask someone 'why did ur parents even have you 🤨'. i'm sad we also lost some butcher reflecting on his abusive childhood (and how it might echo what he's doing to HL now) but i do think the chapter is better without this. the scene was cut before the final edits so pls excuse grammar/clunkiness

___________________________

“My da was a proper fuckin’ asshole...” He informed Homelander. The former Supe glanced at him, probably surprised at the topic. Billy rarely spoke about himself, after all, Homelander was the star of this show. But maybe the hangover was making him nostalgic for the good ol’ times. “He’d beat the shit out of me mum and my younger brother.” Butcher conveniently left himself out of that sentence. 

He watched for a reaction. Homelander just slightly reclined and propped his head up with his fist, trying to appear like he wasn’t listening. As if Butcher didn’t know he was dying for anything that wasn’t related to his own suffering. 

“So when I tell you that Soldier Boy would’ve fucked ya up… More than you already are…” Billy raised his palm and swooped it through the air in a cutting motion, slapping his own knee. “You better believe it.” 

“Ugh.” Homelander just made an annoyed noise. “I’m not taking advice from a man who zip-tied me. Or a human raised by other humans. It’s not the fucking same.” 

“How’s it different?” Butcher raised a brow. 

“It just is.” Homelander shrugged. And then, suddenly emboldened, he scoffed at him again: “Why’d your parents have you?” 

Butcher snorted. Another testament to how funny Homelander was. 

“Oi, you rude fuckin’ twat. You can’t just ask people that.” 

“I’m serious.”

”People don’t always… plan for things.” Billy always just assumed he was a happy little accident. Because he could never imagine his mom and his dad sitting down to plan a family, picking out a house and the nearest school, already crossing off days till he was born. Or maybe the worse scenario was that it was exactly how it happened. And then just a few years after he was born, he made everything go to shit. 

“What’s that like?” Homelander interrupted his musings, an insistent question next to him. 

“What’s what like?” He muttered. 

“Having no reason behind your existence.” 

“Fuck me, you’re a rude cunt today.” Billy all but whistled.

”I’m serious. What’s it like to just be born with no committee over your head?” Homelander was now staring at him with a very unimpressed look in his eyes, his head still propped up. Like he just got challenged to a fight he could win without breaking a sweat. “Nobody had to sign off on an executive decision to make you to keep stakeholders happy. What’s that like?” 

Billy just watched him. And looked away. Maybe discussing the finer points of parenthood and child upbringing with a lab rat didn’t make as much sense as he thought it did.

[astainedglasswindow]

For Lauren:

This is a meaningful and personal anecdote I have about Lauren. When I was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease, I was terrified. I was scared and nervous and I felt guilt and shame. I was a 17 year old girl who had a diarrhea problem and I was swimming in a sea of aggressive high school girls, ready to pounce. I was afraid to be sad because I didn’t want to make my parents feel worse than they did and I really didn’t want to let myself feel sadness. I fought myself through the diagnosis and recovery. Constantly convincing myself that it didn’t hurt me, mentally, physically, or emotionally. I made ‘fake it till you make it’ my reality. 

But on one of my brief moments of weakness, Lauren mentioned the concept of infinity to me. I was told that my disease was incurable. my brain stopped listening after that. I heard stuck forever and I spiraled. It felt like a flaw that I would have to explain to my friends and my future husband. I felt broken without any explanations of how I got this disease and evidently, there was no cure. Adulthood started to look so different for me. I didn’t want a colostomy bag. I didnt’ want to have to watch what I eat. I didnt’ want steroids. I didn’t want infusions. I wasn’t sure how I would explain this to anyone, because the disease was so new to me. I wanted to know more but I was afraid of what I would learn. Lauren told me that forever isn't always bad. I thought, “easier said than done,” rolled my eyes, and told myself, I was on my own. I have to deal with this alone. She then explained to me why forever isn’t always bad. 

 She told me like my dad’s love for me, for example. My dad woke up every night for months, after my diagnosis. He wanted to make sure I was sleeping instead of running to the restroom alone, like I had been for months before.  That no one else would do that for me, without me asking. That my dad would love me and take care of me, even if I needed a colostomy bag. She then told me that her love for me, was forever. She then proceeded to tell me why it was great to have a restricted diet, as a female, that I would always be skinny. She tried to cheer me up, anytime I felt like I was in a dark hole, alone. She and my dad bought me a ring that had that symbol, infinity. I wear that ring every day, and every time I look at it, I think of them. She came through for me again. I had just had my first craniotomy and I unexpectedly lost my speech. 

I was scared and depressed. How would I continue my life? would I be permanently handicapped? I could only say a few words, “weird” was the constantly reoccurring word. It came out whenever I spoke. I called her, my dad, and jared. They were in the car. They tried to direct the conversation, knowing that I couldn’t really respond. They all tried their hardest, but it was apparent that it was difficult. they were worried about me and wanting to know how I was doing but I couldn’t tell them. I cried listening to them struggle to things to tell me about. Lauren made a joke about me saying the word “weird.” something along the lines of, “why do you keep saying that? what is weird?” she said it casually. Before anyone could stop her, I laughed. I laughed because she knew that I didnt’ mean to say weird, but it was the elephant in the room. It made this struggle, livable. It wasn’t being ignored or pretended like it didn’t exist. I genuinely laughed hard. Then Lauren told me she would see me soon, as if I was being dropped off at school, instead of at Stanford hospital waiting for my next craniotomy. Her making light of the situation, made everything seem like it was going to be ok.  

Lauren shared many of her interests and passions with me. One being reading. John Green one of our favorite authors wrote about infinities that stood out to both me and her. So I will end with this today. “I am not a mathematician, but I know this. There is an infinite between 0 and 1. There's .1 and .12 and .112 and an infinite collection of others. Of course there is a bigger infinite set of numbers between 0 and 2, or between 0 and a million. Some infinities are bigger than other infinities.” Lauren showed me that no matter, our love is forever and even though she passed away at such a young age, her influence and love live on. I notice things about myself, randomly, that I know she has impacted my life, for the better. I loved our quality time together, even if it's not as long as I want, some infinities are bigger than other infinities. 

[taro-im]

“Memories at the school Water Fountain”

(This chapter will be a lil boring but I promise to make it spicy in part 3 :) )

Tap here for part 3

kyoya ootori angst: click here for part one

you sat in your dark cold room thinking about the 2 years you wasted on Kyoya Ootori

You were to foolish, you kept on thinking if I could go back two years and tell my stupid self to say no my heart wouldn’t of been in pain like this, you didn’t knew if you were sad or angry, memories of your youth wasted was all you could of remembered

You remembered all the dates you went on which you talked to much and he just gives you 3 word answers or how he looked unamused with you whenever you told him a joke or gave him a kiss, it was so embarrassing on how much u looked like a fool towards him, on how most time he didnt acknowledged your existence, you were the only one putting most of the effort in the relationship

You didn’t come to school for a week because you got sick, you spent that time with your family proving your family’s innocence, You didn’t think about him during the day, but at night you couldn’t even sleep, all you thought of was him and how he did you wrong, you got texts from haruhi and the host club but you were to afraid to open them… your family decided to move you and your brother to France to live with your aunt, and they didn’t say when you could come back, were you really moving from your home Japan In a month before graduation? Well at least you don’t have to see Kyoya ever again…

It has been a week and today you are going to school, and see everything unwind it felt so suspenseful, what was going to happen? How do you avoid him? Before you went to school you saw that you are still wearing the ring, the ring he brought for him and you, the ring he threw away, you didn’t have the heart to throw it away so you putted it in a little purple pouch he brought for you when u were at the mall, you kept it in your drawer and left for school, everyone still whispering about you, the weird stares, you didn’t care anymore you didn’t give a fuck

The day went fast and Haruhi checking up on if you were ok, Her calling him and jerk, it is now after school usually by now you would of went to the host club to see your boyfriend, but today you passed by and saw Tamaki, he saw you and said”Y/n Chan how are you?, I’m sorry the idiot did that I can talk to him if u want me to?”, “it’s ok Tamaki… me and him are done for and I’m ok with that, I’m rooting for you and Haruhi tho haha” you said trying to sound cheerful having watery eyes, “Y/nnnn come eat strawberry cake with me and usa-chan” honey senpai said by the door, “hah not today Honey senpai, sorry I got some homework to do, I’ll come by maybe next time” you said “aww ok y/n cya around” honey said

You left school and returned home, repeating the same routine for 2 weeks, trying to avoid the host club was hard but you did it, you were about to move soon you were going to miss the host club and Haruhi, you kept on thinking if you should tell Haruhi, and the host club members if you were moving or not

You did, you planned to tell them after school…(time skip after school) You entered the host club nervously, but a sigh of relief noticing that Kyoya wasn’t there, everyone was surprised to see you, you haven’t felt happy in a long time, but it had to end, “hey guys I’ve got something to tell you…” “what is it y/n” they all said, “I’m moving in about two weeks to France, I just wanted to say that and thank you for all the time I spent with you all” you said holding in your tears, you didn’t know it would feel this painful, without you knowing your face was tear stained, They were all schocked by the news, “Y/n why didn’t you tell us sooner?” Haruhi said angered, “ “it was to hard for me to tell u guys” you said crying “No y/n don’t cry your going to make me and Usa Chan cry” honey senpai said sad, “we could of spent more time with you, you idiot” said the twins in unison, mori senpai just looking at you sadly, and Tamaki still shocked, after the conversation they planned to spend the remaining time with you before you moved

It is now your last day in Japan, your parents asked if you didn’t want to go to school today but you just wanted to look back at the memories, today you came to school really early, you walked pass the water fountain where he confessed to you in freshman year and broke up with you, you standed near the fountain for about a good and bad 20 minutes reminiscing about all the good times, till you saw Tamaki

“Hey y/n… have you told Kyoya about today is your last day in Japan? He said nervous, “ no I haven’t, and I don’t think he would care, it doesn’t benefit him in anyway”you sighed “do you want me to tell him for you? He asked nervously, “I’m sorry Tamaki but please don’t tell him, he wouldn’t even care that I’m moving and he’s not even my boyfriend…” you said sad, “your really sure?” He asked “yes please promise me and tell the host club members to not tell him anything about where I am” you said, alright well We’ll see you at the airport Y/n” he said leaving to a class

You left walking to the administration office to give them your papers, until you saw Him Kyoya staring at you for a long time, he was about to say something to you butyou were scared and nervous but you just ignored him and left, You spent the rest of the school day hanging with Haruhi and, Haruhi reminding you to send her letters and frequent texts, school ended and you looked at the host club door one more time, then left to get your luggage to the airport

You holded your luggage with your brother to the airport, seeing the host club members giving you a last hug before you left you yelled,“TAMAKI REMEMBER TO INVITE ME TO YOU AND HARUHIS WEDDINGGGG, I’M ROOTING FOR THE BOTH OF YOUUUUUUU” you said with tears in your eyes, you looked back and left on the plane to Paris France, goodbye Japan, goodbye Ouran Academy, Goodbye to my dearest friends, and goodbye to the boy I still can get over… Kyoya Ootori

***2 weeks later in the Ouran host club****

“Tamaki where’s y/n?” Kyoya said

“I’m not allowed to tell, sorry” Tamaki said

“Tamaki I’m being serious right now where’s Y/n?” He said nervous

“Wait Y/n Chan didn’t tell you she moved ?” Honey Senpai said butting in

“Wha-?” Kyoya said shocked

“We weren’t suppose to tell him!” Hikaru and Kauru said

“Why would you care Kyoya senpai?” Haruhi said

Kyoya was in shock of the news that he just heard…

To be continued

Part 3 out soon

Tagged:

@biguwuowouwu

[novemberandmay]

As She Falls

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Her wings pointed to the sky as she was pulled into Earth’s gravity. Her limbs were also pointed up, except for her head and torso. She watched as clouds passed her, the rough wind trying to crush her non-existent body into molecules. Even though she wasn’t in her physical body, she could still feel the wind? How weird. But she was uncaring of this, as she crashed into her hospital room. She could finally see how her body was, after all this time. She looked at it, finding her body looking pathetic. It was thin, overly thin, and covered in bandages. She was hooked up to so many machines, it was a miracle she was still alive. But while observing this, she heard the door in front of her open. Glancing up at it, she saw something surprising.

“Chloe? What are you doing here?” She asked, shocked. But she didn’t get an answer, since she didn’t have vocal cords or a way to voice her thoughts. Chloe stood in the door way, her expression pained. She started to mumble things, things that didn’t make sense. Chloe seemed crazy and possessed at that moment, but it didn’t matter to Marinette. She raised her hand to try and get Chloe’s attention but was covered in light. She was forced into the older girl’s body, into the girl’s very soul.

When she opened her eyes, the light had make her close them earlier, she was surprised to see a little girl in a hotel’s lobby. She was gripping a teddy bear, but seemed upset, maybe a tad sad. The girl stayed still for what seemed like days before she turned around and passed through Marinette. The girl stormed out of the room, tears leaving her angry expression. Marinette ran after the girl, finally recognizing her as Chloe. She found the girl again in a hotel room, where items around her seemed broken. Then a door sounded behind her and worried screams rang out. As this happened, everything warped and twirled, ‘til she saw  her Chloe, the teenaged Chloe. She was sitting on a couch, her expression somber. This time, though, she could see that Chloe was able to spot her. As she had glanced over at her.

“Chloe? What’s happening? Are you okay? Do I-?”

“How pathetic, Dupain-Cheng even haunts my dreams. Great.”

“What? This isn’t a dream Chloe! I’am really here, I’m fin-“ Chloe’s crazied laugh sprang out, startling Marinette.

“No need to lie, you illusion. I saw her dead body myself, I know she’s not alive. Not anymore.”

“But I’m fine Chloe! I’m just fi-“

“SHUT UP!” Chloe screamed, throwing a teacup at Marinette’s face. It hit her, causing blood to stream down her face. Chloe stormed up to her, her rage filled expression being the main focus. The blonde girl raised her finger up and pointed at her, her elbows bent.

“NOW YOU LISTEN HERE! MARINETTE IS DEAD. SH-she left me. SHE’S JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE! LEAVING ME AT THEIR BEST CONVENIENCE!! JUS-just like mama. She’s ju-just like her-r.” Her screams became stutters as her voice became pathetic. Marinette’s eyes softened and she reached her hands around Chloe, hugging her tightly. Chloe started to sob, falling to her knees, bring Marinette down with her.

“WH-why?! WHY am I noT ENOUGH?!?! WhY-“

It was hours before the emotions inside her seized, leaving her feeling empty.

“I’m sorry Chloe. I promise I won’t leave you again.”

“Y-you promise?”

“I promise Chloe. I swear that I will wake up and you won’t be alone.”

As they hugged tighter, everything went white.

She was suddenly transported back to the hotel room, where she was not alone. On the ground, holding her hand, was Jon. He was sobbing, and looked as if he would collapse into a coma soon.

“Oh Jon! What happened?”

There was no response as she looked over his shoulder, he just kept crying. She laid her hand on the boy’s shoulder, where the familiar bright light surrounded her.

This time, she was alone in a house. But there was noise some where, it sounded pained. She rushed around, opening doors left and right until she found the cause. Jon.

She found Jon huddled in a corner of a kid’s room, sniffling. Her face lost it’s tension, as she sat beside him. She was ready to hear his tale.

“Did you know I can always tell when someone lies to me? That everyone does it a lot? Even ma’ and pa’ lie to me. Only you and Dames don’t lie that much, at least not to me. You tell me when you can’t tell me something, you try to be honest. But now you’re gone. And now Damian lies. No one tells me anything true anymore...”

“But it’s fine. It’s just like before I knew Dames! I can handle it...I hope. I’m used to you both being honest, so I don’t know if I can handle it now. So much has changed, some much is different...why can’t it go back to before you jumped? Everything was okay then- I could fix it! I could help you, I could at least try. But reality doesn’t work that way, right? Yeah. So I can’t save you, I can only imagine that in my wildest fantasies. Did ya’ know I used to think of you and Dames as my parents for a bit? I know you aren’t, but I just wanted to imagine it. Having a mum that’s not running off to get the latest catch, one that comforts me. Having a pa’ that’s not off saving the world every 5 seconds, but is beside me, even if a little reluctantly. But who cares? I’m just being ungrateful! I mean- who else wouldn’t want Superman as their dad? And Lois Lane, the famous and renowned reporter, as their mom? If anyone else knew of my position, they would want it! So why? Why don’t I want to be their child? Why do I want to be normal? To not tell when someone’s lying? I know it’s wrong and I’m just being ungrateful, but-“

“Jon.”

“...”

“Listen to me. Nothings wrong with you. I would love to be your mum, and I’m glad you think that way. It’s not bad to feel this way. Your emotions are valid. You are valid. I love you, I love you so, so much. So please, don’t think this way. I’ll be your mom, I’ll be anyone you want me to be, okay? ‘Cus I love you. I love you like a mother would love their son.”

Marinette raises Jon’s hand to her chest, smiling at him.

“See? I’m not lying, am I? I promise to never lie to you, no matter what.”

Jon stares at her, tears gathering in his eyes. His mouth twitches, he looked pained, sad.

“MAMAAA!” He screamed at her, lunging at her. He gather her into a hug, sobbing. He cried, cried for hours. He wouldn’t let her go, as he collapsed on to her. He cried into her hair, as she pat his back. Marinette hugged him back, caring for him like a mother would.

“...thank you..” Jon mumbled. Marinette only smiled in return, watching as he faded away. She looked up and reached for the sky, a bright light covering her. It felt right. She felt happy.

Marinette appeared back in the hospital room, now with a new person.

‘Damian?’

He said nothing as he grabbed her human body’s hand. His face was remorseful and sorrowful, his scowl now including tears and forced look. He was holding back sadness, she could tell. She wouldn’t let this continue though, so she walked up to him. She stopped right beside him standing straight. She bent over, and reached for his shoulders. She gave him one last hug in this form, before zipping into his body, ready for her next conformation.

Taglist: @miraculous-ninja @rebecarojas07 @toodaloo-kangaroo @solangelo252  @neakco @dood-space @jjmjjktth  @animeweebgirl @nickristus-dreamer @talushi2002 @miraculouslydumb @stellar-star @myazael @crystalangelluna 

Notes: I know it’s a bit rushed, but I just had to finish the idea as soon as I thought it. Hope you liked it! The taglist is open, and prolly will always be, just so you know. I’ve had a great day today, I took my NWEA and made an amazing score, so I’m proud. So are my friends, like May. Anyways, I got off topic, have a nice day y’all! I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I did writing it! Till next time! Buh-bye!

(DIDNT MEAN TO POST IT WHEN I DID, OOPS)

-November

[julianottheastrologer]

Hello Madam Saturn!!

My friend and I have known each other since we were about 4 or 5. Initially we weren't very close. However, I've always felt like standing by her since I was a kid. Even when I disliked her, I sided with her and this was the same from her side. Even now that we're much older and consider each other best friends and are really close. We get along but at the same time don't. We're very different and sometimes I can't understand her. Sometimes I tiptoe around her. I'm sure she does the same. However, it seems like we know if something's wrong with each other even if we haven't contacted for a while. Our personalities and takes on life are sooo different yet our spiritual journeys are, not even kidding, on the same pace. I don't know how to explain but it's like our pasts and lives are extremely different. Our families are extremely different. Yet, our days sometimes go by very similarly or its like we're on the same stage I guess? We didnt even get close till a major incident happened and then its was so rapid, next thing I know we're here, grown up, so different yet we know this bond is forever. Do you think this can be explained by astrology? Or literally anything???

Thank you!!

Hello dear anon,

Spiritual connections

First let's talk super rationally, because I don't like to leave anything out. You can have an obsessive relationship where you can't distance yourself and since we acquire the habits of the people who are close to us and you've been close since childhood you've picked up each other's habits. The logic way.

In the spiritual way you can be Soul Kin, I'm not talking about Soul Mates because you would know right away and not ask, or at least you would be much safer. And no, I don't believe in Twin Flames, so I'm not going to put that possibility, I can't go into something I don't believe in, just mention and explain a little.

Soul Kin are people who make agreements in previous lives or before reincarnation with some purpose and this person is not always supposed to be nice to you, they exist to learn and teach decisive lessons in this present life.

Your first date that was tragic, that friend who was only a year in the same room as you, doesn't have to be something grand as we see fate, that person won't light up like a slow scene a movie. It's normal and common and we don't even notice. Maybe a person who has only told you one thing in your entire life is a Soul Kin of yours, who knows? It has a few methods.

Saturn and the south node speak of our past lives. But I personally put more weight on Saturn, he talks about what level we reached in the last life and also what else we want to achieve in the current one, it's as if even unconsciously we want to live the previous life all over again... Sad but true.

So connection to your Saturn can be a sign, that in the normal birth chart or synastry, anyway, this planet speaks of everything from the past as well as agreements.

Then we arrived at the natal chart itself, exist people who have the exactly the same map as us, in the end a minute can happen a lot. So if that person has a map identical to yours or very, very similar, it could be a connection. I can see it too if the person have the exactly oppose signs.

There's also hand reading (palmistry) where your lines can be identical, or your left hand is the same as your right. The hand lines are really connected to our life.

You can also see in the tarot, The Lovers card shows kindred spirits, but spiritual connections can also appear in other cards, such as the Ten of Cups.

So yes, there's more than one way, but all of them are specific readings that requires something more from the person who will read the natal chart, your palm or the tarot, just like the spreads from my Saturn Pack, is like they require a different energy from the person... I hope it helped.

Kisses,

Madam Saturn 💋

[jimlingss]

Dear Miss Kina, it's me again! First of all, congratulations on finishing your final fanfic on this blog! It was immensely what i've been waiting and hoped for. You definitely played with my heart till the very end! It's kind of like - with every fic you've released till now from Seokjin fics to Jungkook fics - every one of them are all so perfectly crafted, every member gets so written well that sometimes time flies so fast when im reading it!

I waited, and read The End for like two hours? And it was really worth it (im wriitng this at like 3am too) like damn i was pausing every second because I was just trying to decipher whatever was happening in each scene, it was all a lot to take in because with each scenario created with the boys, it almost felt like six whole fics crammed into one! The scrollbar was really small n wasn't moving at ALL when i was reading the first few parts and i was like, "wait this feels more like a 60k than a 31k ㅠㅠ" ??? Like how??? But i was smiling as i was reading through the whole thing, to find out it was a Jin centered fic -- and honestly all of your Jin fics are godtier -- i was like "YES YES YES OMG YES I THINK I KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING" n it was real fun to guess which member went next and how the scenario would turn out.

N i really loved how smooth u incorporated both oc and Jin during each scenario, their bickering was so fun and their moments made me go "AWW WTF I WISH I WAS OC ATM" AND OMFG especially that parf where ic asks jin if he ever knew her before everything happened n the whole "like you love me" scene went down -- my mouth was WIDE open i was tearing up and i screamed so loud lmaooo omg ur like the only writer to actually make me react so violently about that ○_○ n when the scene wherein oc wakes up and doesnt see jin and rushes out, the way you wrote it, you sense the urgency and the dishevelled/rampant thoughts of hers when she sees seokjin on the floor bleeding like that and all the way to the hospital scene where she cant even talk despite feeling so sick DAMN i cant even stop staring at the screen even tho my head hurts from being awake all night (but honestly ur worth it)

Like if i had to rank the individual realities where reader ended up with, i think the one i got sadder for was the Taehyung reality -- the oc in that universe couldn't even have time for herself n gradually drowned in becoming a mother and a wife n all i could think of was "tae u should at least treat your wife >:((" n with Yoongi's i was like "whut's happening," and instead of being hurt about it i for no reason started to discuss my thoughts onto thin air "i dont want a partner like yoongi, they dont have time for e/o n thats kinda sad" n thats where i really started to guess maybe every scenario has a major downside but i had to figure it out. N then with Hoseok n Joon's i felt my heart crack a lil bit bc the oc's insecurities in that part (she felt world's apart to hobi n then inferior to joon) i was like...this is me n I DIDNT WANNA FEEL THAT WAY IN A RELATIONSHIP so then again i started to talk to myself looool. Then we have Jimin's that got me like damn :(( thats kind of harsh -- being in a reality with oc in the picture removes the fact that jimin had a stable life. And i guess with every scene you made with all members (did that intend to give me life lessons or sum uhh)

And last but not least, Jungkook's! Not gonna lie, i also thought he was gonna cheat on oc bc she mentioned she was a racer, thats the reason he was late to her bday dinner, but then the dots started to connect when she mentioned why jin looked solemn in the hospital (re: everything that i mentioned a paragraph or two before)

I do know this was loosely based on TATBILB, but as i was reading through it i found so many similarities to it. Like the BTS UNIVERSE incorporated in where Jin goes back in the last to try and desperately change the future where he is not there in order to stop people from getting hurt. And also Orange (one of my fav mangas) where Naho received letters (along with her friends) from her alternate self to save Kakeru from committing suicide, and it had the happy ending too wherein she stopped him from getting right in front the truck (tho there were mistakes that she didnt do correctly)

And that's all 😭🤧 im sorry if this ask was really long. But i wanted to say thank you for creating all of these wonderful stories! They made my day n i could still rmember finding out about you as a baby army myself so i could say you were part of my journey as a new army msksksksk. It was such a great fun time to be waiting for new fics to drop, new chapters released and announcements and funny asks to scroll through on my tl! I do hope you do well in whatever you embark on from now on and hey you'll finally get to publish a book! And i'll most likely read that too ^^ happy 5 years to the blog^^ thank you user Jimlingss, thank you Kina!

omg thank you for this amount of feedback and your extensive praise, I feel undeserving of it hahaha anyway, thank you for taking your time to enjoy the end. honestly, I was aiming for it to be a 50k fic to just really indulge you all as my last story. But as I was writing it, it turned out muuuch shorter to my exasperation. but it still stands as my longest oneshot and I think it ended up pretty great in spite of being so much lower than my intial word count goal. that being said, I'm glad it felt long to you!!

Also thank you for giving me a run down on your thoughts on the other timelines LOL it was really fun for me to think about it as well and consider what OC and Jin would've chosen had they chosen. While each had their downsides, some of them they liked more than others. since you indulged me so much with such a long message, I'll indulge you as well....OC's choices prob would've been JK > Tae > Joon > Hobi > Yoongi > Jimin. While Jin (if he could make the choice for her), it would've been Joon > Tae > Yoongi > Hobi > Jimin > JK.

I came up with the whole idea of the end. while watching TATBILB cause I thought this whole alternative reality worlds was gonna happen but nope, they took a much different direction lol and I'm happy to hear you mention Orange bc that was one fantastic manga I read!! Personally, I find the end. to be the love child between The Truth Between Us and The Seven Kinds of Love (with a sprinkle of Seven Seconds in Heaven) hahha there's definitely elements of pre-existing stories to this guy but I don't mind so much since it feels like almost a call back to them :')

Anyway thank you for the love and encouragement!! I'm sending well wishes to you too!!

[reineyday]

some feelings abt touya and bnha 302 in general! (long post)

jesus this whooooole chapter makes me so so so sad for touya, like he's canonically a crier and i just have all these images now of him crying off to the side while enji looks at his other kids and gives them the time of day. knowing that he was/is a frustrated crier makes the fact that dabi cant cry cuz of his burned tear ducts that much sadder ohhman

one of the things i cant get over is how touya was SO shunned by his dad that when he went to go tell enji about his fire turning from red to blue, he says "i might be as awesome as shouto sooner or later!" like?? this boy is 13 and shouto is 5 yet he's talking like the brother that's eight years younger than him is better than him and thar it's just a fact. the sky is blue, enji wants to beat all might one day, and shouto is better than the rest of his siblings. nevermind that he's only five and just wants to play with his siblings (and dont even mention to me how shouto says he wants to play with "touya and them" cuz im gonna fucking cry abt it. like even though touya's accepted he's bottom of the ladder in this family, shouto clearly wants some sort of acknowledgement from his older siblings and especially his older brother. IM FVCKN SOBBN). enji has made it clear in this family that shouto was what he was looking for and everyone else is not as important, and i knew this from shouto's pov but it's kinda wild to see it implied so casually in touya's words.

"you'll be glad you created me! i just know it!" HOLY SHIT. god my heart. oh my fuck. literally all enji had to do was show up to the fucking mountain, and he couldnt even do that? what the hell?? your son asks you to go to the mountain, you tell your wife not to let him go traim but she said she couldnt stop him, and instead of going yourself to make sure he's okay and BECAUSE HE ASKED YOU TO COME (and with an actually valid reason, no less! fire changing colour is kind of a big fucking deal!!!) you just?? let him go and let him stay there??? my god the amount of times touya must have burned himself and the trees with tears in his eyes. ahhhHHH!!!

what kills me (and touya too soon?) was that we thought before the back story started that enji forced touya to train till he burned up. then when 290 came out--and definitely after 301--we thought maybe touya overtrained himself and burned up. and sure, he was definitely overtraining, but to find out that the burns that "killed" him started just bc he was crying so much he lost control and didnt know how to ease up on his flames? he was upset and literally trying to get himself to stop crying, and then he just set himself aflame and burned up cuz of all his emotions??? that HURTS. holy fuck.

i cant believe natsuo's feeling lowkey guilty for not socking enji in the face like he wasnt EIGHT???? and let's be real, enji woukdnt have fucking listened to natsuo telling him to talk to touya--he already wasnt listening when touya would straight up say "look at me" and when even rei said touya just wanted enji to look at him and notice him. listen, i know sometimes miscommunications happen in families and children are embarrassed to admit they want attention and so their parents remain unaware that theyre not giving their kid something they want, but touya was as clear as can be on MANY occasions, and even rei agreed touya needed the attention and enji just wasnt listening.

also i know there was discourse abt touya being sexist by telling natsu that "the women in this house are good for nothing" and mb it was partly diff translations cuz i feel like saying "this house" makes it specific to rei and yumi instead of all women everywhere, but even disregarding that--i think it's a valid thought for him to have when rei wasnt standing up for him (where he could see, at least) and yumi admitted herself that she was too scared to interfere and so just tried to fix things and keep appearances. i feel like based on what touya's seen from them, it makes sense that he has that opinion. (also gonna mention that i think rei's and yumi's choices also make sense and i think they were valid, seeing as how they were afraid as well.)

and poor natsu being woken up in the middle of the night (what was implied to be often enough, esp cuz it seemed they share a room and their futons are close) bc of touya's pain. that's a lot of emotional responsibility for an eight year old, and it is also so sad that at 13, touya didnt have anyone else to turn to but his kid brother. at 13, i remember being fully aware of the distinction in maturity between an 8 year old and myself, and it sucks that touya couldnt go to anyone but a younger child with all his pain. i bet yumi being too scared to interfere translated to touya as "she wouldnt help me" and thats another reason he didnt go to the 2nd oldest when he needed to vent. (also not related to this but how the FUCK was natsuo so tall at 8 years old? wh a t)

this chapter. this fucking chapter. my heart aches for touya, and it's just such a huge fucking shame he didnt get the attention and validation and support he needed. there must have been workarounds so that touya could safely use his quirk. there weere DEFINITELY better ways to support your son through a self-destructive quirk, ways that involved actually being there and seeing him. i feel like if someone showed him the attention he needed and talked him through how to better control his emotions (and by extension, his flames) and a positive and healthy way, he could have been someone so great. and if he ever learned how to set aside the way he felt infefior to shouto and saw that shouto just wanted to play with his cool older siblings, it might have been really beneficial to see that there was someone there who thinks he's cool and gave him attention just bc he was an older brother, who needed him when everyone else in the househild didnt seem to need him.

and lastly, the fact that the chapter ends with rei saying that shouto is the family hero and that shouto will have to face dabi?? and it makes me angry that shouto has to take on that responsibility. that he was five and suffering for things he wasnt even a part of, couldnt be properly aware of, bc he was so young. he just saw that he was separated from his siblings and that his dad bullied his mom, then grew up shouldering enji's heavy goals and high expectations and abusive training alongside the barely-there memories of his older brother who died (i say barely there bc if natsu didnt even know shouto liked cold soba, shouto was definitely not around enough to have solid memories of touya before he "died"), and now he has to do the emotional labour of fighting his villain brother (who i bet shouto lowkey empathizes with when he thinks abt it late at night) as well as suffer the physical consequences of that agni kai. and it makes me angry that he has to do that, bc he's a Good Guy and he probably feels he has some sort of filial and familial responsibility. he's only 16. he just wanted to play with touya and them, and now he has to deal with this horse shit dabi's causing cuz his dad's an emotionally neglecting asshat who couldnt see past his dumb fucking ego until he saw shouto play with a bunch of kids during shou's remedial exam a decade after his eldest son burned himself to death. what the fuckety fuck.

lastly, since we saw touya burn uo the way he did... did he really just like... burn so much his jaw fell off, and that's how they found the jawbone? cuz holy hot (BURNING too soon???) damn that must have been painful as all hell. i wonder if next chapter we get to see if someone found touya at the park and helped him out and sorted out the jaw bone thing, or if we finally get to see if deku wakes up lol.

anyways this chapter hurt my heart big time, and i kinda wanna draw kid touya crying while being overlooked by his family to let out some of those feelings but we'll see.

and i still stand by my idealistic and naively optimistic hope that dabi gets redeemed and they soend some actually time together as a family (without enji. or at least, with an enji that has apologized to touya in seiza. like, forehead-to-floor apologize.)

does this hope sort out how dabi redeems himself, seeing as how he's murdered people in cold blood and shouldnt be excused for that bc those actions are also inarguably terrible? no. not sure how he could redeem himself for that kinda stuff honestly, but it doesnt mean i dont still somehow want the todoroki sibs to get along, cuz im weak for mending families.

also id like to send a huge kudos out into the world to rei todoroki for being firm for once and for also not running away from her mistakes like her asshole husband has been. i really admire and respect that. she was afraid and being abused, but now that she's been away from enji and has had time to heal, now that her and shouto are in the mend and she's seen that her eldest son is alive and a villain, she's a place where she can acknowledge that even though she was a victim too, she played a part in touya's emotional neglect and she's taking responsibility and that speaks to some incredible fucking strength. damn.

i hope one day that dabi realizes the same in regards to his mother and natsuo, who shouldered a lot of his emotional pain and suffered the consequences of his outbursts (even though his emotions are valid and his outbursts understandable, he still hurt rei and put a lot of pressure on natsu), and i also hope he sees that for all that he hates his father, his whole existence revolves around enji and it's a shitty place to be (and then he'll have ANGST abt it and that shit will be!! so good!!!)

yeah i think those were all my feelings. i had so many lol. their family situation is so difficult, i hope they all turn out okay and alive and healing.

oh i guess i also wanted to say that i kept calling enji an asshat and asshole cuz he was for sure, but i still think his redemption is valid and im glad he's taking those steps to be a better person by being a better father. i dont know if id want his family to forgive him for all that horrible shit he put them through (im personally hoping that no matter what anyone else does, natsuo will choose to to cooperate in the healing of his family as a unit but will never forgive enji) but i think it's good of people to try to be better than they were yesterday regardless of whether or not they get forgiveness. i dont personally like enji, but i dont hate that he's getting a redemption. i just hope it's a redemption that makes sense and forces him to put in the work, and isnt something like a death sacrifice for shouto or dabi. i want him to be alive and i want his redemption process to hurt like a fucking bitch while he forces himself to make better choices and be a better person, cuz redemption isnt supposed to be easy in the slightest. i GUESS all the crying he did in 302 was a good start.

anyways, if for some reason you read all the way down to the bottom--hello! and thanks for reading haha. cheers! :)))

[the19thduckpotato]

In the Shadow of a Smile (Pt 4)

Part 3

Toshi's thoughts rambled aimlessly again.  Why did she have Izuku stay?  Something to do with me?  He grimaced.  I really wish she wouldn't.  I can take care of myself... Is that a fact, now? Listen.... Further thoughts were cut short as Izuku jogged up.  Toshi's face split into a warm grin.  "There you are!"

Izuku grinned back, falling into step beside Toshi (three short steps to each long one). "Hi!" He fumbled with the opening of the strawberry popcorn, munching on a few kernels. I wonder if he can have any... I know he can have sugar in small amounts, but... he does have his own kind of popcorn. Best not to offer n put him in the position of refusing, he'll sneak a few kernels of mine on his own if he wants some.

Toshi smiled down at his fan student son protege, amused by their comparative steps.  He tried to shorten his own steps and looked about.  "See any store you'd like to visit?" is it strange that I want to give him every good thing that he deserves?  Am I allowed to do that?  Well, i mean, I'm All Might, I can do whatever I like... not that I'd ever abuse that. He watched Izuku.  It'd be blatant favoritism.  But he deserves it.  But that would paint an even bigger target than he already has on him.  Which he definitely does not deserve. Toshi's steps slowed more as he let Izuku get ahead of him. I wish... And he squashed that thought immediately, startled that he even thought it.

Izuku looked around. "Aaahhh..." His eyes popped wide when he saw a certain storefront. "Ooh!! There!!" He bounced and pointed, though he quickly snatched his hand back as he remembered Pointing Was Rude.

Toshi's head snapped up and he squinted.  What in the...?

Izuku turned and grinned up at Toshi excitedly. "Can we go there??"

The blond looked amused verging on jovial laughter.  He almost teased Izuku about was there really a need for more plastic All Mights in the dorm? Just because you feel crummy is no reason to pick on the kid, even jokingly.    He picked this store, now let's learn a little more about what makes Izuku happy. "Of course.  I've been meaning to find myself a Chibi Aizawa eraser topper."  He winked.

Izuku smothered a laugh. "He's underground, they don't make merch of him!" Wait what am I even gonna buy in here, they sell All Might merch, and I'm taking ALL MIGHT in here, that's so cheesy and weird! Can I just look at stuff? Will he think it's a waste of time if I do? Oh no, why did I pick this?? Because you were excited, that's why. Because he asked and you answered, now shut up and Deal With It. Hhhnnngg.... "Do... do you maybe wanna find somewhere else though, because I know it's probably weird and-- and maybe there's somewhere else you'd rather be and I'd 100% like to go with you n honestly I don't even know what I'd want to buy from here, I was just looking...." Izuku grinned and rambled sheepishly as they got closer to the store, both wanting to go in and very much not.

Toshi just casually steered his charge into the store without breaking his slowed stride.  "Weird?  I want to see what's selling.  And who is."  He wrinkled his nose.  "I'm not overly fond of the whole marketing aspect of this job... but I get it."  He picked up a plush grinning All Bean and half smiled.  "Small mementos of the people you look up to.  Reminders that mean different things to different people.  If seeing my face plastered everywhere gave people hope, then so much the better." He didnt like the idea of some of his fans being denied that hope simply because they didnt have the money... but he also knew the heroing business was lucratively expensive. "--oop!"  He pointed at a pile of gray scarves and grinned impishly.  "Yessssssss."

Izuku gave a high-pitched laugh when he saw, then ducked and hoped no one heard him. He grinned back at Toshi and nodded. His gaze flitted around the store, landing on a Crimson Riot hoodie in a rack of clothes. "Oh! Kirishima would love that!" He pointed again.

Toshi picked up one of the scarves--it was much shorter than the real deal--and tossed it about his shoulders.  He affected a regal pose.  "What do you think?" he said, trying a droning Aizawa impression.

Izuku squeaked and hid his grin in his hands, shoulders shaking with silent laughter. He lifted his head, composure regained with a straight face.

"Blah blah, stop showing off, blah, I never get any sleep, blah, I have 20 cats and they're all named Mittens--"

Izuku's mouth twitched. He repeated the process.  Shaking his head, he mumbled shyly, "Noooooo... we can't make fun of him...."

"I'm sorry," Toshi snorted, trying to look apologetic.  "That was disrespectful." Jerk. Toshi's ears tinged red as he set the scarf back.  "You know what I'm looking forward to?"

Izuku looked up curiously, surprised at how quickly Toshi put the scarf back and how sad he sounded at the end. "--Oh?"

"When shops like these are filled to the brim with green.  Then I can be the big collector." If you even make it that-- "I'll be able to cite facts about my favorite hero, snatch up first editions, maybe get an autograph if I'm lucky."  He smiled hopefully at his kid.

Izuku squeeeeaked, hiding his face in his hands one more time. He quickly flew to Toshi, hugging his arm tightly. Of course you can you can have so much more than that you can have me, right there, oh please let me still be there--

"Heck, I know just the people to talk to about--i mean, if that's the way you'd like to go.  Merchandizing and all."  Toshi shrugged shyly.  "You're already making an impact now, just wait till you're well known.  People will be demanding Deku merch, heh." He looked about the store, all the current heroes familiar and easy to spot.  He blinked and saw different heroes now, the kids from UA.  Not just Izuku, not just Class 1A, but all the students. He blinked again, eyes stinging. I want to see that.

"Whuh-wuh... uuuhhh... I mean." Izuku lifted his head from where it was hidden against Toshi's arm and blinked. "Yeah, I'd rather talk to your people than try to do it on my own, but..." You mean you want HIM to talk to them and you not say anything, like a shy little puppy.... ...Look, that's a long way off though.... He didn't contradict himself. "I mean, maybe let's cross that bridge when we come to it. I don't know if that's even legal yet, I don't even have my full license...." Can unlicensed heroes even have merch deals? I mean I'm not unlicensed but it's only provisional....

Toshi grinned knowingly.  "I already know you're going to need merch.  No rush, of course... but if you keep going at the rate you already are, well."

Izuku muffled a long wobbly squeak against Toshi’s side.

"And to think that lil old me got to be fortunate enough to be the Great Deku's first fan.  Man," Toshi whistled.  "Am I ever lucky!" And for what it was worth, he meant every word.

Izuku could tell, and the fact made his heart feel all weird and tied up all the sheepish brushing-off he wanted to do in long confusing ribbons mixed with thanks. "...But-- you made Deku, though... I'd be nothing without you." Well, not nothing... I'd still be a person. But I wouldn't be a pro without you. I'm still not there, yet, but I hope... one day....

Toshi gazed at him fondly.  "Do you really still believe that?  That passing you--"  He paused, mindful they were in public, and gestured you know.  "--the, ah,  heroic torch would have been the same no matter who it was passed to?" "A Quirkless middle schooler?  What are you thinking?!  Such a boy could never serve as the Symbol of Peace!!" Toshi had coughed thickly but still proudly responded with, "He really has this burning desire to help people." And yet, Mirai had refused to listen, hanging up on his former partner. "...I picked you on purpose.  And each passing week only reinforces my decision.  Please do not doubt that.  Deku exists because you exist, firstly.  I just gave you a helping hand, that's all."  He grinned and brushed one bang away.

Izuku smiled softly-- mostly with his eyes. He rested his forehead against Toshi's arm, trying to think of words that would both satisfy Toshi and yet still be true. "Not... exactly the same, no. But I think... the other children out there... have just as much... potential. As I do."

"They do." Toshi tousled Izuku's hair.  "And would that I could help all of them the same way.  But..."  he held up one finger.  "Power is a tricky thing.  It has an effect on people and not always good.  The most well intentioned person can still do terrible things. "So it isn't just a matter of being suitable.  You earned my trust by not blabbing my secret.  You inspired me to action when I believed I could do no more.  You...well.  You made me want to live again.  Something that not even All Might could do.  So who's the strong one now, eh? "Frankly, kid, I'll be honest--i don't think there's a whole lot of people like you out there.  Don't sell yourself short."

Izuku gazed up at Toshi in wonder. He tried to think of something to say... his mouth twitched into a smile. "But I am short!"

Toshi just stared for a moment. S t a r e d.

Izuku slowly unsmiled himself. Not sad, but confused... "...Not funny?"

Then burst into a roar of laughter, helplessly trying to gasp, "well of course--heehee--next to me--"

The smile came back full force. Izuku burst into laughter too-- "Well YEAH, you're a GIANT!!" He looked up at Toshi with the brightest grin.

Toshi tried to regain his composure, looked at Izuku, used his hand to compare their heights, wheezed more laughter. "I'm onlyheeheehee seven fooahahaha oh no help--"

The laughter was incredibly contagious, Izuku hiccuping out noises that were a cross between a donkey and a chihuahua.

Toshi made a desperate noise at Izuku's noises, his laughter getting more out of control.  Tears squirted out and he weakly grasped at his kid's shoulder.  He was dimly aware others would be staring but the floodgates had opened and he could only ride the wave at this point. This marvelous wonderful wave.

Izuku's face was starting to hurt, but he was happy, SO happy. He tried his best to support Toshi but he, too, was a floppy noodle of hilarity.

Toshi fought to get himself back under control, his laughter finally tapering off into snickers, then slowing down to an occasional giggle.  He took a deep breath and checked on his kid.

One last snort.

Toshi's eyes widened.  Ohno. He clapped one hand over his mouth but his eyes still twinkled.

A tired giggle. Izuku enjoyed the feeling of being in the moment, still leaned against Toshi in a half-hug. He didn't dare look up, though, or he knew he'd start laughing again.

Toshi cleared his throat and casually thumbed the edges of his mouth.  "Well now we have to get something," he grinned.  "What's your pick?"

"Oh!" Izuku's gaze snuck toward the rack of jackets. "...Hmmm...."

Toshi's head followed his gaze.  "Oh look, a denim jacket!  Best Jeanist, you cad."

Izuku giggled, though he didn't quite get the joke. He stepped over to the rack, peeking through them and looking for-- well, maybe I can wear it... but what if Kacchan sees me? But... well, I can wear it in my room n stuff, at least. Or in places like this. As long as I hide it before I get back.... His fingers brushed over sleeves to check the texture and pushed gaps between the jackets to see if any were All Might-themed.

Toshi blinked and smiled, hands in his pockets.  He waved at the few people who recognized him then returned to watching Izuku dig through jackets.

Most of the All Might merch seemed to have been snapped up already, but Izuku's face lit up when he saw-- "Ooh!"

"Hmm??"  Toshi tilted his head and arched his neck.  "What did you find?"

Izuku pulled a thick Silver Age-print hoodie off the rack, running his hand over the inside lined with a soft fluffy material. "This is great! Lookit!" He held it up and grinned, bouncing on his toes excitedly.

Toshi looked pleasantly surprised.  "Well whaddya know!"  He held out his arm for Izuku to drape it over.

Izuku placed it over his arm, still bouncing. "Can I try it on??"

"Heheheheh, sure, go on." He quietly made a mental note to get Izuku's size and dig into his limited edition wear later.

Izuku picked up the jacket again, taking it off the hanger (making sure to put the hanger back on the rack for now) and unzipping jacket, holding the ends of his sleeves and wiggling his arms in. It was a little big, but he could grow into it.

Toshi was definitely feeling the dad feels right about this time.  His kid proudly showing off his jacket. The breath hitched in his throat for a moment. "Looks great on you," he managed with a delighted smile.

Izuku looked up, smiling brightly. He clapped his hands together in happiness, looking down at them with much interest when he felt how the parts of the sleeves covering his hands muffled the impact. After inspecting this sensation for a few seconds, he looked back up, asking with a shy grin, "So uh... can I, uh..." he ducked his head then brought it up again, "...can I have it?"

Toshi's eyes shone with joy.  I finally get to spoil my kid! "I don't see why not!  Anything else you might like?"

"--Oh!" Izuku's eyes and mouth went round. Surely that's too much!! I couldn't even think of anyth-- wait, yes I could! "Well-- actually... I was wondering if we could pick out some stuff for the others?" He thought of the Crimson Riot jacket, knowing Kirishima would love it, and wondered if he could find something of Kamui Woods' or even Snipe's for Shouji. "Not, like-- all twenty or anything... but maybe..." he bit his lip and stared into space, a plan formulating. "Maybe we could hunt for stuff, like, over a while... and save it until we have one for everybody? Would you like that?"

Toshi's entire face lit up at this suggestion.  "That's a fantastic idea!  And anything we can't find on our own, I'm sure I could dig up somewhere else." He shook his head in admiration.  "You're one in a million, kid, you know that?"

Izuku tilted his head and gave a scrunchy, lopsided smile. "What, really?" For coming up with a gift idea? Everyone will be doing it come Christmas. A thought occurred. "Well, technically, I'm one in 7 billion...."

"Even better.  And to think, you're my kid now." oh no wait, what did I just say oh no OH NO He stammered out a quick apology.  "I-I mean...ah...err... what I mean to say, y-young Midoriya--" He could feel his ears burning.

Izuku went limp in shock, and his eyes grew wide as saucers, practically sparkling. His mouth started to wobble.

"Hey wait, nonono, what did we say about the waterworks?!"  He frantically gestured at the boy, acutely aware of being watched now.  "UH--"

Izuku shot forward, wrapping his arms around Toshi and squeezing tight.

Toshi stiffened in shock then relaxed his muscles, ruffling Izuku's hair.  "Hey now..." I care about you I care about you a LOT and I know I'm terrible at speaking my true heart.  I never told Master and lost my chance.  I never told Mirai and lost my chance.  I don’t want to lose my chance with you, I couldn’t bear it. "Kid..."

((Part 5))

[groversflyingsneakers]

Yes i know im late and all sorry for that. Id like to thank a few people for making my 2020 better even if you didnt relize it. Even if we only had like one conversation.

First of all huge thank you to wahffle thanks for always being there for me. Thanks for helping me and telling me to make this account. I cant thank you enough you truely dont know how much that changed my life. I love you so so much and thanks for sticking around when almost everyone else didnt. You know who everyone else is. Thanks for everything. I honestly dont know how to say how much i appreciate you. You prolly know and if you dont its a LOT. Thank you for everything, i love you so much!

Next up big thank you to Varni. Thanks for talking to me and inviting me into the ratchat. I love you so much. I remember us being so awkward in our first conversation and im sad we dont talk anymore.

Time for Cora. I love you so much and im so happy we still talk a lot. I love our amazing convos when its like 4 am for me and its like the middle of the day for you. Im still coming over to burn your school down and were playing with your wii cause mines dead hehe. I cant wait till you come over to punch my teachers faces. Im so happy that i was your first friend on here. I dont know how we arent the same person but i love you so much my long lost twin.

Kyara my timezone buddy. Its so weird we have the same time zone even though were nowhere near each other. I love you so much Kyara. Thanks for calling me the only not evil rat in the ratchat i really appreciate it. And thanks for not killing me haha. Thanks for being my friend and talking with me.

Katie the amazing writer that everyone hates for some reason. Im so happy were friends and thanks for helping me with my fanfic. I love you so much.

Netra otherwise known as nAtrA hehe. Thanks for talking with me and being my friend. I love you so much and i hope we can talk more. I cant believe i actually spelled yoyr name right ugh but only cause this is an appreciation post.

Zoe the toey. I dont care if yall say toe i say toey cause it rhymes. I love you so much Zoe and im so happy were friends. Thanks for helping me with my fanfic when everyone else was busy. Thanks for talking with me.

Isha i know youre prolly not gonna see this but you deserve to be on here. Thanks for talking with me and being my friend. I remember when we sang mad at disney together. The whole song yes i know were talented. Thanks for saying im pretty but im really not and you cant argue with me since youre prolly not gonna see this haha. I love you so much Isha thanks for being my friend.

Lory, you probably didnt realize but you were one of the first people who talked to me. Sadly we dont talk anymore and i really miss talking to you. I love you so much Lory and thanks for being my friend.

Emily, thanks for talking with me. I know we dont talk much anymore. I remember when yoyr account was so small and you just started. I love you so much Emily and thanks for being my friend. Dont drink coffee again or youre gonna explode.

Grandma devyn, thanks for always being there for me. I know we dont really talk but i love you so much. Youre always there for everyone. Remember you need time for yourself ok? Thank you for being my friend. I truely dont deserve you. Youre the nicest person to ever exist.

Lena, im so sad we stopped talking. I miss talking to you. I remember when i said you were nice haha oh how i was wrong. Thanks for talking with me and spamming your story with me. We were so nice at the time. I love you so much Lena.

Teee, i need your koala hoodie. Its so cuuuute. And thanks for thinking if me hehe. I love you so much and thanks for talking with me and being my friend.

Anne yes you may be surprised by this but thanks for talking with me. Thanks for being my friend. You better actually eat. And drink.

Rat chat, sorry im kinda tired and i dont know if ill be able to do all of you alone. Yall are my family. Youre the best friends anyone could ask for. Thanks for being there for me. Even when im annoying. I love you all so much you dont even know. Without you 2020 wouldve been wayy worse. Thanks for making it better.

Jean, i know we dont talk and all but thanks. Im not sure if you really see me as a friend or not but yeah. Thanks for talking to me.

Chris, we dont talk as much as we used to. You were one of my first friends. And also the first friend i called. Thanks for talking with me and being my friend.

Heather, thanks for talking with me. You made me change my mind on Octavian. Turns out hes not that bad.

Mer, thanks for talking with me. Youre so nice seriously. Yes i didnt change my username for you hehe. And yours is pretty snazzy too.

Last but not least all of yall. Thanks for making my year better. I wouldve never thought that i would make it this far. My account went from that tiny one that noone knew to this. Thank you all so much. Friends or not, thank you.

[ducknotinarow]

richard 💜- A memory about one of their loved ones, happy or sad

Rain was pouring down outside as Richard sat in the window of his room, a blanket from his bed around him. More like Richard had cacooned himself in the large blanket, pulling it tightly around himself as he just watched the rain droplets on his window. Till someone flipped on the light, which ruined the whole mood. He glaced over to see his older brother Zane. Richard groaned and rolled his eyes slightly huffing before covering his face by pulling the blanket over his head so he could go back to the darkness.

Zane had been bothering him a lot lately always coming into his room, tracking him down in the house, invading on Richard's personal space. Just irratied the younger egeal, before Richard's freak out Zane never even bothered to acknowledge that Richard existed. Now Richard was always aware that Zane did. Richard could feel Zane manage to squeeze in to the window sill with him.

"What did I ruin the prince of darkness sulking." Zane said teasing as he yanked the blanket back a bit to pull it off his head.

"Zane" Richard said in response "what do you want."

"Eh nothing to do figured you know who I should go see? That butt of a younger brother of mine as the superior i mean older brother its my job."

"More like you're just here to bother me because you got nothing better to do."

"I mean can't both be ture?" Zane answered slightly admitting that Richard was right.

Richard just huffed out again and slightly puffed out his cheeks as he rested his chin on his knees. Zane just smiled at the reaction he got from Richard reaching over he pressed aginst Richards cheeks and pushed them in. Frocing the air out of them and causing a small 'psssh' popping sound to come out of his younger brother. Richard blinked a moment before dropped his forhead to his knees as he tried his best not to laugh just now. But was failing as the laughs erupted out of him.

"You're so werid." Richard said between his laughs

"And your so serious, mister sits in the dark on a raining day...did you pick here on purpose?" Zane asked. The lack of a response just made him smile "God you're so dramtic when you're up to going back to school you should join the drama club. You'd be a natural I bet."

Richard grew quite at the mention of school, he'd been getting schooled at home for about a month now. Zane wasn't the first to bring it up his mom and dad had been asking him the same thing all week on when he was going back. He'd had a long enough break and should get back to it. Then they went on to discuss another lie to explain Richards absence.

Richard just tug the blanket around himself more trying to hide in it again, holding tighter so Zane couldn't pulling it away. Richard felt a tingle take over his body at the mention of school. That pressure constantly there to be on top by thier parents. Couldn't just be a good student he had to be the top student of his class. Hell that wasn't even enough needing to be top of the school...was what lead Richard to having that panic attack. Over worked himself just for a speck of the parental approval from his mother and father..who never once came to see how was doing.

Ripped from his thoughts as Zane patted Richards head. Something about it felt nice. That Richard couldn't help but press his head aginst the plam of Zane's hand. It wasn't much but is was still comforting to him. Zane got up suddenly and Richard looked up at him, he didnt want Zane to leave just yet.

Zane just gestured for Richard to scoot over, he did pressing aginst the glass a bit so Zane could could sit next to him. Richard smiled a bit and pressed himself aginst his brothers side. The age gap wasn't that much between them but Zane seemed like miles apart from Richard. Like nothing bothered him ever always ready to turn something into a joke or even a game. As he slightly bump his shoulder against Richard own and pointed to the window.

Richard looked over to see what Zane was pointing out.

"Pick a raindrop well race."

Richard just crooked an eye brow up at his brother.

"Oh come on humor me I'm bored."

Richard rolled his eyes and pointed to a droplet and they watched them start to trail down the glass. Zane starting to add commentary to add to the race, getting Richard to laugh a bit as he did. Richards drop being the one to win in the end of the race.

"And out of no where the Richard drop comes outta of no where and knocks the race out! No one ever excepted that to happen. Tell me Richard how dose it feel to have pulled such a successful win and come out top like that?"

Richard rolled his eyes a bit decided to play along "clearly I know a thing when I see it. How can I not actually with my obvious good eye for excellent finds."

This time Zane was the one to give a blank expression.

"What?"

"So do you say that stuff to be funny or do you believe it?"

Richard looked unammused and bumped against Zane a bit harder than he ment as Zane got pushed out from his spot and fall to the floor. Richard quickly looked over to check on him only to find Zane laughing as he laid on the floor. Richard just smiled back in response.

[delicioustrashlove]

To me : a honest open letter to my self. deep breath and open up and express 

What do you know . You went back there again and all though you held on super tight you couldn’t keep him could you? Of course not. You’ve lost your self every-time chasing him and you’ve never been able to catch him.

I thought I wouldn’t survive this one. I thought honestly I was not going to make something of my self . I whole heartedly was ready to give up . What ever happened happened and I could care less it’ll never be as bad as losing you. And I truthfully connived my self that my happiness only lied in your arms.

It took me so long to cry . Once I got back Colorado the reality of my new home, it was such a blur . For a while I pretended you died. To some how help my heart forget you. And thats all I wanted was to forget you. I deleted every picture and every single video .I blocked you on everything I could think of that youd have access to talking to me through . And for what . Just to black out once a week and tell you how much  I miss you and that I love you . I drank my self silly . I mean every event every party every outing I had to be there I had to be anywhere but in reality . Because reality meant no you. It meant what once was and will never be again,, reality meant excepting my feelings. And I wanted so badly to be tough and strong. I’ve gotten my heart shattered a million times by you , you’d think I would get easier . It didnt it was worse . I was so fully invested in you that life didnt exist with out you in it . I didnt know what that felt like anymore . I was so wrapped up In you so blind to reality . Loving you meant losing my self . I lost my self 4 times a year for 5 years trying to keep your heart. I broke my own heart letting you back in to my life so many times . I knew better . But the love I had for you was so much stronger . I couldn’t stay away . I also revolved my entire world around you , so when you where gone I felt so literally like the world was ending . I lost my whole life . I realize now thats not healthy . You have to always prioritize your health and well being before anyone . You have to love you before you love anyone. So wed break up id self destruct then Id put all my pieces back together the ones you broke. Id fix my self and I would get back on track I was moving on I was happy then just like that . One phone call at 10pm where you clearly to drunk to remember the conversation id be on a plane. Drop my job my home my family My friends … quite literally everything just to be with you . Just to love you. All I ever did in this world was so unconditionally love you. I thought I could hate you I did for a while . But I dont anymore . You where apart of my journey and it almost killed losing you but it was supposed to happen . It was part of the plan that god has for me. You coming int o my life brought so much love and bond that ill never feel with anyone else . I will never love someone the way I let my self love you. And when the lesson has finally been learned only then I can move forward to the next chapter. And your purpose in my life was love and lots of lessons and lots of growing . You think god doest hear your heart crying you think he gave up on you ya know , but he never did. In the end you’ll see there was such bigger picture. 5 years I spent going back to you and leaving you. Why did I always go back ? Because loved you but I clearly wasn’t seeing what god prepared for me. He wouldn’t believe his lessons or fallow his guidance so he kept bring ing me back to you so I could relearn and remember why I left and well you might be my soulmate your not meant to be in my story forever . Only a couple chapters . And once you’ve served your purpose to my life that god wants me to have experienced and learned I will be able to move forward. I first must let you go . And I finally am starting to. I got so unhealthy and so sad and so stuck and caused so many health problems to my body . So much that was almost to much to prepare. But I made a choice one day . I chose my self , and not you. I chose to love me and not love you anymore. I commented intently to my family and I mean really gave it my all. I learned that no matter what my parents wouldn’t never leave mom behind .and im going to everything in my power to be a good girl to them and build our love and our relationship . And I think that was gods purpose all along. You cant keep whats not for you . And I didnt understand that when we parted ways. I accept that now . And I know as I continue to stay on the right path god has such beauty waiting ahead for me… look how much I loved you and all I did for you imagine how much I will love the right man. I did alot. Every time we break up I have to fix my self . But I know now its all apart of the journey . All those trials with you just made me stronger it made me braver it made me wiser and it made men grateful for the good ones.  You breaking my heart was one of the best things to happen to me in the end. Because I never would stopped loving you I never would have left you behind. I would have always been your biggest fan and continued to love you till I ended up hating my self. You have the courage to set me free was the kindest thing you ever did for me. At the time I didnt get it but who I am now and what I ve accomplished for my self and how when you try really hard to be better and I mean really hard things kind of fall in to place. God smiles and says okay you deserve this you’ve learned you’ve grown . I manaaged to accomplish that goal of being close to my family . We are so close and we love trust and respect eachother so much . Our bond is very very strong . I managed to get my self too a doctor , I found out I complete sabotaged my health . And oh ya I have 14 allergies !!!!  And some of the effects of those allergies after time has caused a harmful build up to where I was 3 years away form being diabetic , my thyroid completely stopped working . Amplifying my anxiety and my depression . The last month. I was in az i would get sick a lot . Id eat something and get sick . The problem was I was so fuxking drunk all the time I didnt ever thing anything of it. I’ve destroyed my guy and its a blessing that wildly and randomly this doctor asked if she could test me . And we found a lot of issues and also got a lot of answers to a lot of my health issues. Im starting treatment for that . Ill be injecting my self every other day with medicine to help my body repair the damages I have done and it will also help fight allergic reaction and build immunity so this doesnt happen again . I also !!! Am taking my meds again . Different ones but im glad I chose to take this chance on them again . I figured if im going to  put my health and happiness first I dotn need to be drinking and If im not drinking a lot fo stuff is going to come to the surface and I don know how well ill be able to handle that reality. I also like I said thought. Was going to kill my self. I was so heartbroken so so so sad. I knew I needed help and I reached out and got. Now im happy and stable and I get out of bed and I have energy and im so present and to active. I work out everyday . I eat healthy and I lost some weight . My highest weigh t was 168 before our florida trip I got down to 147 , when worked for Linx I was 145 then after being with tj again my mental health went hay wire and I lost my self again . Completely lost. And when I got back to co I was 153 pounds …. I would shift from 145 to 147 … then I just stopped worrying about it and started doing something about it. I channeled all my sadness in to exercise . Im sad go work out im bored go work out im happy hey go work out get that good flow !!  Your angry you miss him what ever it was I worked out then it became all I could focus on cus I learned to love it so Much . I took on running again I put in the work . Things finally where falling into place . I was getting my self back and this time it was better then ever . Better then ever before . I unlocked this door and its been so beautiful. I one day weighed my self just to see assuming id be 145 I was 137 !!!! Wow !!! A week later I was 135 and today I am 133!!!!! Its so cool and feels so good to not be depressed not feel pretty in my clothes. And iliv Amy self. So much . I hope I start working at hooters soon and continue to have a great life. I finally got approved for unemployment and ally back pay and also and extra 13 weeks after mine runs out. Things are just happening . I wasn’t going to get any hadn’t outs . But I was at the bottom thats for sure and you know who was there ? Not tj not the guy you literally did everything for no not him . My mom and my step dad and my brother . They took me in . And it was hard and uncomfterable , but I just stopped going out stopped drinking as much . And did things for them no matter if they where mad at me or if it was awkward.i committed to being good fo them . And I knew it would take time . But little by little ive managed to accomplish all my goals . When I used to be the queen of quitting. I cant wait to see even more of what god has in store for me. And who I become . My skins cleaning up my body is losing weight I more active im healthy and im very in touch with my desires and my well being . I care and love and respect my self so so much. Its like a huge spiritual awakening. I love being alone . I dont feel like alone deserves me right now to be honest .Its gong to take a lot for me to love again but its okay . Not everyone deserves that form me anyway. I worked so hard to me this . To be who I am right now and I won’t let anyone take that away form me. You cause harm to my heart my well being just by !! If you disappoint me disrespect me or hurt me its done . You lost you dot meet my needs your not benefiting and there’s to many many and women on this planet . Ill never waist my time on the wrong one . Ever again. I respect my self to much to put someone over me! And I stand by that now and forever!!!  The new be is bette then ever and its gong to take a hell of a person to change my relationship status . And that cool im honestly not even interested . I dont care to date or hang out or hook up or even have sexual contact with anyone . Im so content with me myself and this beautiful transition im goin through I just want to focus on me and my family and my health. Because this is what its all about. This is what living is. this is life. This is beauty . This is whats important. I feel like im living . And im happy and im only going to get better and better. Thank you god for this life and thank you for giving me the strength to turn the page and start a new chapter on life. I fully trust you and the processs. And that brings me back to “god will never leave you behind” I needed to learn all those things that all may mistakes have taught me . And god has a way of constantly bringing things back Into your life if it has not yet served its purpose or taught you what you needed to learn.  I see that now. Positive mind set is very powerful . Loving your self is amazing and living through god is the best thing you can do . I will always you tj and I will always in some way wish there was a me and you forever .but I cant ever betray my self like that again. That door is officially closed.  See I thought my life was over when you said our relationship was over. But really it had just begun. Everything happened for a reason exactly how its meant to happen . Losing you meant I could finally find my self. It just lit up the path .  God bless <3 no angry  im happy and im I accept this and I forgive my self and you . Life is so Beautiful .

Some one very wise once said … -Life is not about how much you hurt its about how much your willing to suffer. ~VP

Im not willing to suffer any longer.  Except it feel it and then forgive and move forward.

[kinktae]

The penultimate part🥺 I’m not ready to say goodbye, Bitchin!Jungkook has definitely been one of my fav characterizations of him that I’ve ever read. Thank you so much for sharing your work with all of us💖

bitchin 9 asks bc i suck

sapphireprinces5 said: bitchin’ pt9 was just so beautiful?? the way you explained the emotions and interactions between the characters was just amazing!! I felt myself hanging on every word wow excited for the end but will miss bitchin’ so much 🤧

Anonymous said: TAEHYUNG AND YARA SIGN ME UP GURL!!!!

Anonymous said: Like I just feel like if Jk really liked y/n he wouldn’t have slept with Kiri, you know? It shouldn’t matter that he didn’t know how y/n felt. And it’s obvious that he has feelings for y/n so I just hope that’s something y/n addresses when she talks to him. Don’t settle for less girl! Get you a man who will fight for you regardless 👏 (btw this is not me criticizing how you wrote it in any way! I’m just so invested in the characters and am thinking about how I would feel in this scenario :) )

Anonymous said: I KNEW SOMETHING WAS GONNA HAPPEN WITH YARA AND TAE I FELT IT SO DEEP IN MY BONES IM SO HAPPY FOR THEM 😭😭😭

Anonymous said: Hi! I just binge read bitchin in a day and can I just say that I loved it! I really love the female characters as well, you’ve written them so beautifully 🥺 if I was y/n I wouldn’t be concerned so much about Jk not sleeping with Kiri if he knew the way y/n felt, but rather the fact that if Jk didn’t want to sleep with Kiri, he wouldn’t have, regardless of y/n’s feelings or not. IMO y/n’s feelings shouldn’t be the issue here, but Jk’s should! If I was y/n’s bff that’s what I would tell her LOL

Anonymous said: OH MY GOODNESS! YES !!!! YESSSSS Y.E.S Muchas graciaaaas!!!

Anonymous said: tae and yara are my new ship)

unknowntalesx said: okay but like tae and yara thooO they got me all smiley being like oh yeah bayyybeEE das what im talking about 😏 ALSO OKAY NOW THAT I AM MORE LUCID KIRI GOT FUCKING WRECKED I LOVED THAT SHE GOT A DOSE OF HER OWN MANIPULATIVE MEDICINE I AM 😤😤😤😤😤

Anonymous said: im not ready for bitchin to end )):

Anonymous said: I SCREAMED WHEN Y/N TOLD KIRI THE TRUTH. YES QUEEN. STAB AND TWIST THE KNIFE!

Anonymous said: ROSE AHHSHSJSKSD FUCK U I’m all hot and bothered with anticipation for pt 10 now 😩😩😩🥵

sydney--chan said: We really stan y/n for using her big ol brain to rock kiris world oh my god I yelled also I say what's your damage all the time bring that shit back

Anonymous said: a tae x yara spin off series or one shot...... haha jk..... unless..... 👀

Anonymous said: Fuck kiri's scheming ass. I'm glad YN ripped her a new one

Anonymous said: AAHHHHHH once again, I love this chapter so much!!!! I was screaming at Yara and Tae part. Seriously!!!! I am SURE she felt that spark when he kissed her. Is she going to be the one falling for the guy while he wants something casual now? Or maybe Tae will fall for her as well? Ahhhh so cute! I feel like that would be a nice spin off yk (no pressure, I swear). And Erik, woah I didn't expect him to be like that. To be so nice and wise. Great character development indeed! It was really nice (1/2)

Anonymous said: To see their interaction and the way he opened her eyes (for some reason I couldn't help but picture him as Namjoon). Ohhh the Kiri part tho!!!! I felt really petty but in the best way lol. Anywaysss I am really excited for the last chapter (really sad too) and I am sure it is going to be the best because you are a genius! Thank you for sharing another amazing chapter with us! ♥♥♥ (2/2)

Anonymous said: OKAY I absolutely adored Bitchin part 9 😻 I always thought that it was also OC fault for what happened between her and jk, he obviously was the main jerk but she never actually admitted her feelings to him and he doesn't read minds so??¿¿? Really loved that she came to understand it. And I was rooting SO MUCH for yara and tae MAN I AM CRYING THEY DESERVE IT 🙌🏻

Anonymous said: you came through with the tae x yara content we all needed omg thank you!! if anyone’s gonna make yara fall in love it’s tae lol

Anonymous said: I honestly lowkey hate bitchin’ jungkook right now. I thought I’d get over it but I just can’t imagine how hurt and disgusted Y/N was when she found out that jk and kiri were together just hours before they were like ugh. It doesn’t help that I’m also really interested in Erik’s character development now so it would’ve been really interesting to see how he’d fit in Y/N’s life. 🥺

Anonymous said: jungkook and y/n wANT what yara and tae have

Anonymous said: TAEYARA YES FINALLY OUR WISHES HAVE BEEN ANSWERED 😍😍

Anonymous said: just want to let you know you’re an absolute angel and all you create is nothing short of perfection. *sends you all of the love*

spring2787 said: I jus came from a 4 hour long class and it's finally here... Thank you so much dear 🎂 💜

Anonymous said: Is yara me ? Like when she said that boy act like they understand the no string involved but then fall in love , dude I felt that , that's literally the story of my life lmaoooo Like the number of time a dude told me yeah I'm okay with that and then acted shocked when I told him I didn't feel anything for him is impressive lmaoo Anyway I'm so eager for the last chapter!!!! you did an amazing job!!

kuhweenbri said: The way I already finished but anyways girl I absolutely loved this part and now I’m excited for the next part 😭😭 will we be seeing more of T-ara??

Anonymous said: OMG YARA AND TAEEEEEEEEE. NOW I UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU MEANT BY FANSERVICE. JSJSJSJJSBXBSBSB But on a serious note, this fic just keeps on getting better. The fact that there's only one chapter left still hasn't come home to me 😭 but thank you so much for blessing us with this!💜💜

Anonymous said: YO! bitchin is flippin brilliant! you have done so well! jungkook broke my heart in part 9! im emotional but also so ready for part 10! please take your time. have a lovely day

Anonymous said: i don’t normally talk to writers on here but bitchin is really bitchin, i haven’t read a fanfic in so long that makes me excited to read the next part and maybe it’s because i’m so used to all of the aus being recycled but bitchin is truly a breathe of fresh air to me for some reason, maybe because you fleshed out the right hand mans for both characters idk or the it being a different time period, but i just wanted to say you are smashing bitchin dude and i love it!!

shy-kpop-girl said: BITCHIN': I just caught up on 8 & 9. Shocked & angry at JK. Because regardless of whether he knew y/n' feelings it was a dick move to sleep with Kiri one night and y/n the next morning. And it wasn't like he came over to talk/tell y/n about Kiri & things escalated because he went right at it as soon as she let him in. Even tho it was hot. 😳 But Erik. I wanted to hate him but dude surprised me with his reasoning. I loved that dialogue! Once again your writing is amazing & I love this story!

Anonymous said: Bitchin is the best fanfic on tumblr. And no one can change my mind. You’re doing amazing!! Much love xoxo

Anonymous said: “Think of life as one big puzzle and everyone you meet is shaped differently, right? Yet somehow… they fit. We find those that complete us. And they’re not necessarily opposites but—“ MAAM that part hit SOOO different omg your brain!?! Outta this world! Like this is whole ass literature!!!! I stg Bitchin’ is the best thing on this app and I meant that w my whole chest.

Anonymous said: I'm not ready for Bitchin to end. It's soooooo good 😍😍😍

kmultifandom said: Since there's a cast for bitchin I wanna audition for y/n because i wanna be a biologist and I have some similar personality traits *mic drop* Also great work, I seriously love it. No other fan fiction I have read was so close to my actual self and that impresses me even more and make it like it 10 times more djksksks

Anonymous said: how will I live when bitchin ends agghhh I haven’t even read 8-9 cause I’m waiting for the happy ending before I’m heartbroken and left waiting for the last part

Anonymous said: you know what would be super fun and crazy 😛😛🙈🙈 if you dropped bitchin’ pt 10 right now 😳😳 haha just kidding .... unless 😏😏

Anonymous said: lets gooooo!!!!!!!!!!! bitchin pt 10 better haunt me for the rest of the year

Anonymous said: I feel like I’m going to get so emotional once Bitchin’ part 10 is released. It’s like I’m sending off my non-existing kids to university because I won’t be able to see Bitchin!Jungkook anymore 🥺

Anonymous said: I can’t believe Bitchin’ is for real ending 😩 it’s soo gud 

Anonymous said: Can’t wait till bitchin PART 10 Probably gonna fall asleep before u post but I’ll try to stay up for it 🥺

Anonymous said: i love your writing honestly and i just really want you to be happy. your writing is immaculate and i really want you to know that you are talented and skilled so yeah. sorry if this is out of nowhere but i just really want to show appreciation to writers because they don't get enough and you are definitely my favorite writer:)) hope you have a good day!!

Anonymous said: okay but if Bitchin' goes on for 50 chapters that would be good too.. just sayin'.

tpo-quinn said: Bruh, I can already feel that I'm gonna cry from the last chapter of bitchin'...I CAN'T WAIT!

leojjeon said: so i've re-read bitchin ready for chapter 10 an I am feeling all sorts of emotions. it's fair to say it's my favourite series I've read!

Anonymous said: y did i forget bitchin would have an end like 😳😐we’ve been on this bitchin journey w u for so long i’m sad it’s over

Anonymous said: What what what?? Bitchin is ending??!!! Didnt it just fucking start like all the drama and tae&yara!!!! Omg girl!!!

Anonymous said: ur the absolute fucking GODDESS of writing angst, ive never ever waited for a ff to be updated before as if it was a new episode of my fav show coming out. thank u for writing and be so active, muah ur amazing

Anonymous said: a moment of silence for our loved bitchin who will die soon 😔 gone but not forgotten, she will always be in our hearts. all the best rides come to an end 😭

[rightsaidmanfred]

i’m having them biracial blues and this is 100% a rant about my life written in some weird ass...i dont know man, i got up in my feelings and it’s hardly coherent but

gif credit, cuz i couldn't get it in the actual gif adder thing

i dont think ill ever forget schoolyard taunts about my thick, black body hair. or that my eyes were demonic because if the light didn’t shine just right, they could almost be black. or that my eyebrows were too big and oh they can see a little bit of hair connecting between them. i never forgot when the girls who were supposed to be my friends started calling me broccoli nose because it’s wider than theirs, you see. or when the boy i had a crush on and a boy who’d always been my friend decided that instead of friend, i should be their yard workers or maids or harvesting their food but its funny ha ha cuz that’s what mexicans do! i wont forget that my hair was boring and why is there so much of it? why is it frizzy? “because i dont have that problem!” said the girl with strawberry hair. and the color! black, but just shy of the inkiness that is beautiful.

i won’t forget that my skin was brown or that the little girl i ran into at toys-r-us, excited and chatty because she’s a friend i thought, walked away with her mother berating “you didn’t tell me she was mexican!” as i stand next to my red-haired, light skinned cousin. i wont forget that no one could say my name proper and it was never worth the effort to try and it didn’t matter if they’d known me for years because it was too foreign on their tongue and it didn’t matter. but heaven forbid i didnt properly pronounce theirs because “its not that hard!!!!” it’s only hard when its attached to someone like me, right? even when it comes from europeans just the same, forced onto my people like the blood of theirs in my veins as a result of their violence.

i’ll never forget thinking my abuser of seven years was so beautiful, right to the very end. i wont forget being eight years old and fighting against fear every time i saw her but going all the same because she was all golden hair and ocean eyes and certainly that means shes good. even as she tells me to shave my hands, my stomach, get rid of the nasty hair that makes me look like an ape. even as she tells me my mouth is too big, my lips look like they’ve been stung. i suppose we are taught, then, from youth to see beauty in our aggressors. for how lucky we are, just to be in their presence. i felt that, in some obscure way. desperately and with all of my being i felt that and hoped and prayed and wished that i could be her.

that i could look like her. it was all i wanted, to look like her because maybe then the world would look at me and see something pretty. something worthy of love. beautiful, and good in all the ways i was told - even without words - that i couldnt be. something worthwhile.

i wanted to look like the mom who raised me. the one i wanted to be perfect for even when she never asked me to be, never even implied it. because to her, i already was. she always told me i was beautiful. braided my hair and kissed my cheek and told me all the things i got from my family that lived across the country, some still in mexico, and why it was such a beautiful thing. do you know what it’s like, that the person who sees you as a treasure is the one no one would ever connect you to? to go out with your mom and your two friends, and people are shocked to hear that youre her child and not the blue eyed blondes? even with her brown hair and hazel eyes and no features to share besides, it was more believable that they were her daughters rather than you.

their only similarity being the color of their skin and yet the message is clear even if you can’t articulate it: you couldn’t possibly be from her, someone who belongs to the group that sets the standard for beauty and worthiness.

that wasn’t me, brown skinned and dark haired and with every feature that runs strong in my papa’s family. my tia said it herself, when i was born. “oh julie, im so sorry. she has the family nose” because she knew, too. my beautiful tia who has no need for shame and she knew that my moms whiteness couldn’t protect me because their features showed full force in me, left no place for my mom’s family to show itself.

i wont forget that the world told me from day one that i was less than. i would always be less than. it’s awful funny, that i lost my love of the outdoors when i first heard that it darkened you. no more summer days spent in the pool, fingers pruning but refusing to get out. no more bike rides, gone in the morning and returned by dinner. no more outdoors karaoke or baton twirling in the driveway. the tree i once loved is abandoned and the branches i’d climbed till i couldn’t any longer grow weak and lonely with time, missing the child who’d settle in and fall asleep in its branches. the warmth of the sun was something i deprived myself of for years with only the wishes of lightening my skin, getting rid of just one of the many things that separated me from everything i thought i should be.

but i found that it didn’t matter how pale i became. because, you see, it’s not a lightness that indicates whiteness. its an “i havent seen sunlight in a year” kind, one that doesn’t fool many and never for long. and how could it? my name would betray my heritage even if my features didn’t.

at twenty-eight, i still havent recovered. i havent learned how to live under the sun again. i havent learned to rediscover that kid that would wait for the weekend and the adventures it’d bring, step outside my door and into the sunlight and stay there in the world, under the heat of the sun until it started retreat into the night.

i wont forget that all expectations of me were based around what i looked like, what they saw in my name. how surprising it was, that i might know things. how unexpected it was, that i understood anything. after all, how could i deign to perform better than some of the other girls, the ones that were expected to go places when it was quite clear where most people expected me to end up.

it didn’t take long, for anger to show itself because it was easier to show that than shame, sadness. it’s strange, that at twelve, a black girl calling me a “white bitch” was offensive for the first part rather than the last. white...white....the thing i wanted to be and yet i was angry when she called me that. angry even if i didnt understand why, at the time. but i do now. i understand the fury in my bones at that moment when she pushed me and i swung back, a kid noted for being quiet and well behaved because i couldnt believe that she saw that.

that because i was not darker then my struggle did not matter. that because i did not look like her, then my disadvantage didn’t exist. the one thing id yearned to be a part of felt like a fist to the gut to be sided with because...i wasn’t. it was the first time i realized that maybe there wasn’t a place for me. that i’d be doomed to be too white for all the people who could empathize with my struggles and too brown for all the people who’d been a source of them.

and it only got worse when people would thing, for appearance, that it was better. but its not a compliment to be fifteen and having a guy hit on you because he “likes them spicy” wink-wink, nudge-nudge. it’s not a compliment when someone wants you to be his spicy hot tamale. even when the things that were detriments about me aged into something desirable, it was twisted and tainted and never felt like anything close to acceptance.

and then....and then to get out of all of it, all those moments that tore me down and made me ashamed to be who i am and realize the beauty in my features, in my wide nose and big lips and dark hair all over my body. to learn to love these features that mark me as part of a people with a history so rich and roots so deep into the soil of this continent...to learn these things and fight against all those ideas and people who ever made me feel otherwise and then be told that it is not my place. that it isn’t true, what i said. that i am pale and so that means i am white and i don’t know racism because my mom is white.

it’s a unique thing, to be biracial, and i dont think people talk about that enough. one foot in one history, the other in another. both but not enough for either to accept you. and i know that truth, too. i remember family gatherings with my moms family. i remember feeling always like my brother and i were julie’s little mistakes. oh sure the words were not spoken but in a sea of white people who married white people and had white children...the contrast makes you aware.

aware that you are not a fit. aware that they will love you only if you never bring up your papa, never bring up the aggression against you simply for existing as a product of love and understanding between people from such different worlds. little whispers about your papa that you wont understand for years as your mom shakes her head no, no, he’s a good man because her love has never gone. changed, perhaps, from what it was. but steadfast and true. they criticize him for his drug problem but she tells of a man who always took responsibility for his failings, always admitted his wrongs, never harmed a hair on our heads.

a good man who is sick but a good man nonetheless.

both, but never fully one or the other. and they let you know that, too. even the ones you’d thought all your life were the few that accepted you fully. but then you argue, you fight to defend your people against the new husband of a cousin you loved so much. the anger...the anger feels like a heart about to explode because it isn’t all anger. its fear and sadness and hurt and the anger is what you grasp onto, inflate as you stand shaking to take a breath, get distance before a panic attack has set in. you do that a lot in life.

and you hate crying but you sit on the front porch doing it anyways. your mom knows better than to follow but your aunts dont. so they come and they talk and they try to ask whats upsetting because well we were talking politics, people don’t always agree.and you scream, voice breaking “he’s talking about my people!” because how could you have ever identified with whiteness? but you don’t find understanding or comfort. only your favorite aunt, the one you loved for so many years, the one you thought accepted you no matter what, says with just as much passion: “we’re your people!”

and you realize, in your mid-twenties after a lifetime of being mistaken, that the acceptance is only if you throw away a part of yourself. that only if you will forget your mexican half do you matter. that they would prefer to forget you’re not white because how can they possibly love you if you arent?

it’s a lonely thing, too. because your papa is sick and he did not do right by you in the all right ways. and you spend your childhood missing him, wanting to live with him because living with mom is too painful if that’s what it will be like. but it bitters, too. childish ignorance cant last forever and for years you are angry, furious, refusing to see his sickness as that and instead as a choice he made.

he chose to leave you. to stay with a woman who looks like him, to create a child who belongs. one who learns his native language and gets all that you dont. the good and the bad. it....hurts, that the first words your little brother says to you are in a language you cant understand because your father...he lived far away for so long and where else could you learn when your mom can’t speak it, either? he’s three and spanish will be his first language and age will bring anger that this is so when your attempts through your life just never seem to work.

you just cant seem to make the words right. they feel wrong on your tongue and youre sure it’d make anyone who knows the language laugh.

people often dont get why i am offended by being called white. because well, im not, for one. sure, my skin is pale but my features are not those of a white person. to reduce it to that is so offensive when my experience has been lived as a person of color. it’s rare that people assume i’m white. and yea, it makes me mad when they do.

because i haven’t benefited from whiteness. i have never been treated as it. ive noticed people treat me poorly by my name alone, before they’ve even seen me. my MOTHER has noticed this. she kept my fathers name and she’s told me before appointments made at new places, she is often regarded more rudely but when she shows up and they see her whiteness, it changes.

for me, though, the biggest indicator is that other mexicans seem to....know. its a blessing and a curse. its adorable when little mexican kids come up to me, start trying to say something in spanish. it makes me feel this...wanting. to be a part of that culture, to learn more that i havent been able to because im across the world from everyone who was meant to connect me to it. but it hurts, too, because its another realization of my defect.

that i am a part of them, but only partly. and not everyone is so kind. some will see my distance from my heritage as sign enough that im not a part of it at all.

this...really got away from me and honestly, i dont even feel like ive really scratched the surface. this wasn’t meant to be a “poor me” but to be honest.....just because people have it worse than i do, and i KNOW they do, doesn’t make my suffering less significant.

so much in my life i have been told my people of color that i cant say anything and i have no right to it and this and that and whatever because my skin is pale. some try to make me say im white passing if i must engage but you know what...fuck that

if i was white passing, this post wouldn’t exist.

[wildm00dswings]

end of year asks- that ill be answering myself cuz the ghost of david bowie told me to

what did you learn about yourself this year? that no matter how much progress i make in life i somehow wind up back in the same place i was in 2012; bored in my room silently suffering alone

best moment of the year? going to disneyland for the first time at the ripe age of 20

worst moment of the year? the abandonment phase of late june 2018,, that wasnt fun

what was the biggest change you experienced this year? moving. i dont like moving. it was somuch work. moved from the hometown to a city i hadn’t visited since 2008.

best song of the year? Softcore - The Neighbourhood. ive listened to it five million times, i hIGHly recommend it

best album of the year? VI - You Me At Six. “Fast Forward” was my favorite track, also highly recommend it

what’s one thing that happened this year that you want to change? how #depressed i was while in Los Angeles. i was living my best gotdam life going to disneyland and all of a sudden im crying in the bathroom of our hotel at 2 in the morning for n o r e a s o n. i feel like a sad corpse every day of the year it had NO RIGHT to show up that week. there were somany amazin moments i couldnt enjoy bcus of it. i know i have no control over the mental disorder but i still believe i had the ability to replace it with serotonin instead

best book/book series of the year? i havent touched a book since 2005

best television series? CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM. greatest show ive ever seen holy heck im so glad i discovered it this year.

how was your love life this year? non-existant. i talked to three guys who ended up ghosting me in less than a week that was fun.

what made you cry the most this year? the depression i shouldve never befriended six years ago

biggest regret of the year? the surprise depression while in LA. not being sympathetic enough was also a big thing but thats p much every year

best movie of the year? i literally only watched one movie in 2018 and that was Indredibles 2

favourite place you travelled this year? Los Angeles (to be fair its the only place i traveled to at all this year, i rlly need to travel more)

did you make any new friends? i almost did back in october but for no gotdam reason i completely ghosted them and it still haunts me to this day. they were so fun to talk to why did i stop replying why do i s u cK somuch

did you learn anything about your sexuality this year?  im still quite bi

what are some hobbies that you developed? paying more bills?? idont kno W

what surprised you the most this year? how boring my 21st birthday was. i literally did nothing. didnt drink, didnt get a cake. just got a “o hey ur 21 now neat” and thats it. why tf was i looking forward to this age so much as a kid literally nothing happened.

do you look different from the beginning of the year? not even a little bit. im still waiting to evolve into some bomb ass mcdonalds french fries. till then im still a dirt covered potato.

how did this year treat you in general? more lows than highs tbh. im still a dying corpse, but a corpse that went to disneyland .. . !!

what message would you give yourself at the beginning of the year? “you got a sh*t storm coming u thought 2017 was a struggle holy fnck prepare for world war III family fights and some real suicidal thoughts″

has your fashion style changed this year? nope. still living in band tees black jeans and converse... .. i just realized how yikes that is im in my flipping 20s now and i still dress like a high schooler who listens to green day’s american idiot on repeat wtf do adults where? ??

one of the best meals you’ve had this year? Denny’s Grand Slam meal. idk why but it was all i ever wanted to eat while in los angeles.

who has made the biggest impact in your life this year? probably the peeps that fncked me over

what’s one thing that you hope will continue next year? my trips to los angeles. even tho i had to learn the hard truth that ur depression doesnt just fnck off while ur on vacation, getting on a plane and visiting the city is so amazing cant believe i only live five hours away from it i cant wait to go back next year. @silentcypress take this fun little 2018 summary questionnaire i tagged u in it so u have to

[brokenin21stcentury]

THE MOMENT I REALIZED

I AM EMPTY. MY FEELINGS VANISHED FROM MY BODY. THERE’S NOTHING LEFT OF ME.

I WANT TO FEEL BUT I DONT. I LISTEN BUT I DONT HEAR. I AM TRYING TO UNDERSTAND BUT I DONT UNDERSTAND.

I WANT TO SCREAM BUT I DONT HAVE THE VOICE. I WANT TO CRY, BUT I CAN’T AS THERES NOTHING THAT WOULD CAUSE THEM TO DROP BY DROP DOWN MY FACE. I KNOW I WAS HURT BUT I WAS HURT SO MANY TIMES THAT I AM EMPTY NOW. THERE SHOULD BE PAIN BUT THERE ISNT. THERE SHOULD BE HATE BUT THERES IS NO HATE IN ME. HAPPINESS, THAT ALSO LEFT ME LAST NIGHT.

I AM SIMPLE BOY IN MY TWENTIES BUT NOW I FEEL MY LIFE HAS BEEN TAKEN AWAY, NOT ONLY BECAUSE OF MY FIRST HEARTBREAK BUT BECAUSE OF EVERY FUCKING HURTFUL HATEFUL THING I HAVE HEARD BEEING THROWN AT MY FACE. DISRESPECT COMES MY WAY EVERYDAY. MAYBE. JUST MAYBE. IS THAT ME, IS THAT MY FAULT, DID I CAUSED THIS ?

•HEARTBREAK•

SOMETIME AGO I FELT MY HEART IS STONE COLD AND DEAD. IT JUST PUMPS MY BLOOD AND THAT’S IT. I WAS TEACHING MYSELF TO LOVE, AND CREATE SOMETHING FAKE. AS YEARS OVER THE YEARS PEOPLE DID SOME CRAZY THINGS AND I FELT LONE AND DOWN. BUT I DID MY BEST.

ONE DAY I JUST DECIDED TO SEE WHERE COULD A PRETTY FACE PUT ME. MAYBE WILL TELL ME THAT I AM NOTHING AND JUST MY LOOKS DOESNT FIT THE NEEDS. i was wrong.

BOY WHO THOUGHT HIM SELF TO BE SOMEONE AND NEVER LISTEN TO ANYONE. AS TILL NOW PEOPLE ONLY HURT ME.

I FEEL IN LOVE THE MOMENT I SAW HIM WALKING MY WAY. I FEEL IN LOVE WHEN HE STARTED TO SPEAK. I FEEL IN LOVE WHEN YOU SMILED. *inhale and exhale* HIS SMILE WAS JUST SOMETHING, IT HIT ME AS A ELECTRICITY AND TEARED DOWN THE STONE COLD WALL AROUND MY HEART. I FEEL IN LOVE WITH HIM WHEN HE WAS SPEAKING. I LOVED MYSELF WHEN I WAS AROUND HIM. I WAS LISTENING AND I UNDERSTOOD, THERE WAS HAPPINESS AND PASSION. THAT’S WHY THAT DAY I FEEL IN LOVE WITH HIM BECAUSE I LOVED MYSELF. WHO WOULD KNEW THAT JUST ONE PERSON WOULD COME AND HEAT ME UP AND BUILD ME UP.

AS YOU SEE, THE STORY IS ABOUT CAUSING MY BREATH STOPPING, STOPPING MY BODY. NOT EVEN CREATING THE STONE AROUND MY HEART BECAUSE SIMPLY I DONT BELIEVE THERES SOMETHING EVEN IN ME ANYMORE.

WE SPENT TIME, TALKED AND DID THINGS. HE STAYED AT MY PLACE. HE WAS NEXT TO ME. AND PUT HIS HEAD ON MY CHEST. AND MY HEART TURNED INTO A FIRE. BEAUTIFUL, WARM FIRE. AND EVERY OTHER THING I KNEW ABOUT LOVE WAS NOT EVEN CLOSE WHAT I FELT. NOW I KNOW HOW THE HEAVEN FEELS LIKE. I WAS DEAD AND YOU WOKE ME UP. YOU GOT UP. GAVE THE LAST KISS AND WALKED OUT. I WAS THE HAPPIEST PERSON ALIVE. I DIDNT NEED ANYTHING. I WAS JUST ME. BUT THEN IT ALSO CAUSED PAIN.

MAKES SENES, EVERYTHING IS IN BALANCE. I FELT PAIN BECAUSE YOU LEFT, I FELT PAIN BEACUSE YOURE NOT HEAR. I FELT PAIN BECAUSE I WANTED YOU HERE. I FELT LOVE BECAUSE I WOKE UP NEXT TO YOU, AT THE SAME FEELING PAIN, BECAUSE WHY I AM THE LUCKIEST TO HAVE YOU.

- I WAS WRITE. why did i have you?

THE ANSWER IS SIMPLE. I NEVER HAD YOU. YOU WANTED TO EXPLORE. JUST WITH THE WRONG PERSON. YOU SIMPLY SAID - IT WAS A MISTAKE. I NEVER SHOULD HAVE STARTED THIS. YOU ARE SWEET AND LOVING BUT I HAVENT GOT OVER SOMEONE.

IT KILLED ME. YOU KILLED ME WITH YOUR MISTAKE. AND AT THE BEGINNING I SAID THE ONLY THING PEOPLE HAVE DONE IN MY LIFE IS CAUSED PAIN. AND YOU WERENT ANY BETTER. YOU MADE ME ALIVE. WILD AND FREE. I WAS MILION TIMES BETTER THEN I WAS THAT PERSON WHEN I WAS 12 YEARS OLD WHEN MANY PEOPLE DESTROYED ME IN PIECES.

I FINALLY THOUGHT ITS MY TIME, SOMETHING GOOD FINALLY. IT WAS ME WHO REBORN WITH MORE IN ME THEN EVEN. BUT YOU ONLY NEEDED TO TELL ME I WAS A MISTAKE TO KILL ME. ONLY THIS TIME THE FALL WAS MUCH HIGHER, THE PAIN, MUCH GREATER AND EVERYTHING ELSE WAS WAY MORE PAINFUL THEN WHEN I WAS 12 YEARS OLD.

*RECOVERY*

MANY THINGS HAPPENED, YOU MADE ME TO NOTICE THAT YOURE STILL HERE. AROUND ME. TO MAKE SURE I AM NOT GETTING UP FROM A PLACE YOU KILLED ME.

HAVING THE BEST PEOPLE AROUND ME AND TREATING MYSELF GOOD AND DOING THINGS THAT I LOVE. WITH A TIME I BUILT MYSELF AS A DECENT HUMAN. NOT HAPPY. NOT SAD. NOT MAD. JUST SIMPLE BREATHING CREATURE. I WAS BREATHING AGAIN. ALIVE, MAYBE NOT REALLY. I WAS BETTER ANYWAYS.

*REALIZED PT. 1*

YOU MAYBE CAME MY WAY TO SHOW ME WHAT I CAN BE. AND FUCK ME UP AT THE SAME TIME. BECAUSE THINGS WERE CHANGING. THEY WERE CHANGING BECAUSE I WAS A PERSON WITH NO SOUL. I WAS JUST GOING THROUGH LIFE AS IT NEVER REALLY MATTERED. SO IT HAD TO SHOW ME. THAT I CAN LIVE, BE IN LOVE AND BE SEXY. AT THE SAME TIME. FEELINGS ARE JUST A GAME AND PEOPLE ARE STILL JUST TO HURT YOU.

*FEELINGS*

SOMETIME AGO I HAD MY FIRST REAL CRUSH ON A BOY. I MEAN, EXISTING PERSON IN FRONT OF ME. NOT SOMEWHERE VIRTUALLY. WE MET ONCE, IT WAS BEAUTIFUL BUT COMPLICATED. AS HE WAS NOT LIVING CLOSE. JUST HUNDREDS OF KILOMETERS AWAY. SO IT WAS SOMETHING BUT STILL IT WAS SO SHORT AND THE TIME WAS STOLEN TO ACTUALLY MAKE THIS WORK.

TAKING YOU BACK TO NOW.

THIS FIRST CRUSH AGAIN IS BACK FOR COUPLE OF DAYS. I MEET HIM AND AT THE END OF THE EVENING I KISSED YOU. AND AWKWARD MOMENT TURNED INTO BEAUTIFUL PASSIONATE NIGHT FOR JUST COUPLE OF SECONDS. BUT HIS LIPS TASTED AMAZING.

NEXT DAY I GAVE ROOM FOR YOU TO DO SOMETHING AND YOU DIDNT DO ANYTHING. AND THE NIGHT WAS OVER.

TWO DAYS LATER MY FRIEND HAD THE LAST GOOD BY PARTY AS SHES LEAVING. WE BROUGHT THE PARTY TO HOME AND PARTIED THERE.

TILL YOU SAID YOURE IN TOWN. AND WE MIGHT MEET. TOOK ME COUPLE OF MINUTES TO GET READY, AND MY BESTFRIEND AND OTHER FRIEND WAS ON THE HUNT FOR YOU.

I MET YOU. YOU WERE COLD. I WAS CONFUSED. THEN RUMOR WAS, THAT YOURE GONE. BUT MOMENT LATER YOU WERE THERE. NEXT TABLE. NOT GIVING ANY ATTENTION. ALTHOUGH MY FRIENDS HELPED ME TO GET IT. THEY SAID YOU WERE LOOKING AT ME HOW I DANCE. YOU JOINED OUR TABLE WITH YOUR FRIEND. BUT DIDNT SAY ANYTHING.

THEN MOMENT LATER WE ALL ARE LEAVING FOR ANOTHER PLACE. WE TAKE A CAB AND WE ARE TWO MANY. GIRLS TAKE THE CAB I CALLED AND YOURE LEFT WITH ME.

WHILE WAITING. YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU COULDNT NOT LOOK. YOU LIKED THE WAY I DANCED. AND ACTUALLY YOURE HAPPY THAT ITS JUST YOU AND ME HERE BECAUSE YOU GET TIME WITH ME.

AT THE BAR WE ARE FINALLY GOING TO ORDER DRINKS. YOU AND YOURE FRIEND ARE IN FRONT OF ME. YOURE TOUCHING MY LEG AND I RESPOND. YOURE GIVING ME SIGNALS. I LIKE IT. BY THE TABLE YOU IGNORED ME.

EVENING IS GOING SUPER NOT WELL. AND I AM ALMOST SOBER. I TOOK SHOTS. WE GO OUT TO SMOKE. WE GO BACK FOR THE TOILET.

*Toilet*

THERES TWO DOORS IN THE TOILET. ONE IS TAKEN. I GO FIRST. HEARD YOUR KNOCKS. I GO OUT AND LET YOU GO IN. FUCK, I AM AN IDIO. I DIDNT PULL YOU IN.

YOU CAME OUT. AND ANOTHER PERSON CAME IN. HE IS WASHING HANDS. AND YOURE WAITING TO DO THE SAME. YOURE WASHING YOUR HANDS. ITS JUST YOU AND ME. YOU GIVE ME A LOOK THROUGH THE MIRROR. THAT AGAIN TURN ME ON AND I FELT SOMETHING GOOD. THE NEXT MOMENT. OUR LIPS MEET. I AM AGAINST THE WALL. KISSING. AND ENJOYING. FIREWORKS IN ME. FEELING GOOD. TILL I GOT SCARED IF SOMEONE COMES IN. AND I STOPED. BUT I WAS A FOOL NOT TO GO BACK AND CONTINUE.

THAT WAS IT THAT NIGHT. I FELT AMAZING BUT I WAS MISSING MORE.

NEXT DAY I ACTUALLY COULDNT DRIVE BUT I DROVE YOU HOME. HOLDED YOUR HAND ALL THE WAY. HOPED MAYBE WILL CONTINUE WHAT WE STARTED LAST NIGHT. BUT NO, NOTHING HAPPENED. IT WAS ONLY YESTERDAY.

*SAME EVENING*

I AM HOME WITH MY PARENTS. I THINK ITS ENOUGH. BUT TO SAY FAST. THEY TOLD ME THAT I AM HORRIBLE. SHITTY SON, AND I FELT HOW MAD AND UNHAPPY THEY ARE WITH ME. I SAW HATE. AND DIDNT KNOW ABOUT WHAT WAS THAT. AND SOMETIMES ALL YOU NEED IS ACCEPTANCE FROM YOUR PARENTS. FOR YOUR PARENTS TO SAY - YOURE DOING GREAT SON. KEEP UP. NEVER HEARD THAT. AND THE QUESTION IN MY HEAD IS - WHAT DID I DO SO WRONG? DO THEY LOVE ME?

MOMENT I REALIZED ...

I AM EMPTY. ALL THESE PEOPLE JUST TOOK ALL THERE WAS LEFT IN ME. AND WE ARE BACK AT THE STARTING POINT. THATS HOW ACTUALLY I FEEL. PEOPLE SHIT ON ME. AND I AM UNHAPPY. BUT AT THE SAME TIME - HOW DO I KNOW? I AM REALLY EMPTY.