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ccelinewritess · 4 years ago

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the distance between us

pairing- draco malfoy x reader

word count- 9.7k

summary- the first time draco uses the muggle post system, it goes so terribly wrong, and a letter falls into the hands of a girl who was never supposed to see it, a muggle at that.

warnings- curse words, ptsd, anxiety/ panic attacks, depression mention of death, murder, blood and burns aswell as insomia, seperation anxiety (?) and my grammar.if these may trigger you, i suggested not reading.

a/n- this took me a while to get out, sry abt that. the reader was set to live in a canadian town called kelowna, british columbia. it takes place in readers grade 11/12 and dracos 6/7 year. i hope it’s not to self inserted, and you guys can enjoy and relate to it. big thank you to @dracodear for the help on this, love you! also thanks to everyone who left owl name suggestions, all were awesome and i ended up going with @winnsmills suggestion ‘noctua’ ! tumblrs been acting weird, so i hope it lets me post the whole thing. letters are in italics. also please note, this is off the movies timeline! i tried to fit in as many details as possible but some didn’t make it.

the town was widespread. wineries and mountains everywhere, the okanagan lake splitting it down the middle, reconnecting the cities halves by a bridge. little snow and tons of rain. jeep wranglers in every colour roaring around into unholy hours of the night, bustling with life yet all to lonely at times. but hey, that’s kelowna for you.

rain was running down the windows of y/ns most boring class, last period biology. she knew she should be paying attention. she had a high gpa to maintain, and couldn’t afford to fail another class besides french. the last five minutes of blabbering ended after what felt like a year.

‘you are dismissed, ill see you all monday, have a good weekend’ and with that everyone rose, heading to the parking lot as fast as possible in an attemp to dodge traffic. despite pouring rain, the air was hot, and on the ride home y/ns mind raced over every single assignment she had to complete over the next two days, while her hands tapped the steering wheel.

‘english essay, math review, history paper, business management graph’ she muttered under her breath. the town was busy, many students often blew off class to go shopping, or hit a movie, or smoke weed, the possibilities were endless. her house was cool compared to outside, and empty. no one was home, not that it was a surprise to the girl, people weren’t usually home, siblings gone to university, and parents working absurd amounts.

something caught her eye on the counter, an envelope, an ordinary seeming one, but absolutely covered in small pictured stamps with ‘england’ underneath each one. eighteen of them, all different. she knew shouldn’t open it, so she didn’t. at first. but it was irresistible. there was a return address written in the smallest writing she’d ever seen. wogshell, no, wiltshire? she took it to her room, and locked the door before ripping it open. she didn’t want the one time she had something intresting going on to be interrupted by whoever might show up.

her mouth fell open at every line of the same scroll. who was snape? why was this draco boy sending him a letter? he didn’t need his help to kill who? what the fuck was an unbreakable vow and why shouldn’t snape sign it? why was his mum going to see snape? who was the dark lord and why did he pick draco for a task? what kind of name is dumbledore?

what she already knew was confirmed- this letter was most definetly not for her. but newly- she opened a letter from a potential murderer or maybe it was a prank, a sick prank if it was one.

so instead she crafted up quite the response, whoever wrote this was either hysterical or in distress, and needed some sort of company- she thought, atleast.

it had been thirteen days, why wasn’t the letter back yet? the owl still couldn’t fly even about the house without damaging itself further. maybe using the muggle post system was a mistake. but better have it land into the hands of a muggle, who would likely throw it out, than a wizard who would know a death eater would soon be wondering around hogwarts.

as if on que, the door bell rang and echoed through the empty manor. on the porch sat an envelope, with only one stamp, his name in the middle and another he didn’t recognize in the corner. shit, this couldn’t be good. his eye caught the stamp. canada? fuck, this was supposed to go to cokeworth not bloody canada. no one was home so he opened it right there in the foyer.

hello, draco.

i am not snape- nor do i know who snape is. i am also very unfimilar with some of the vocabulary you used. dark lord? unbreakable vow? you seem to have quite the situation going on, if i read correctly. im not exactly stupid, but i do know that this letter was most definitely not supposed to be in my possession. i didn’t know who to send it to, id send it back to you, but you probably don’t want a copy of your own letter. i also know you likely have enough on your plate, but if you’d like someone to talk to im only half a world away, have no sort of schedule and am a good listener, well reader in this case. good luck with whatever task you’ve mentioned. p.s. you had about seventeen stamps to many, first time sending a letter? unfortunate fate, huh ? what kind of name is snape and what the heck is a dumbledore? i suppose it’s none of my business, knowing you likely won’t respond, but if you do i wrote my address on the front. have a good day/ night/ whatever time it is wherever you are.

y/n l/n

tears were welling in dracos eyes, he was floored, in a good and bad way. his task was already going downhill. the letter he sent snape had fallen into the hands of a muggle, who did not throw the letter away, but responded. and snape was likely going to bine himself into the task through the unbreakable vow, which draco was more than able to complete. he wouldn’t have been chosen if he wasn’t, right?

not only had she responded, she offered him help, well distant company, to a stranger who obviously had quite a few problems and she clearly had no regard for her own safety. he couldn’t tell her about the wizarding world. not that he could tell her about anything, she could be lying. he had a task to focus on, he couldn’t write her back.

and that was true- at the time. he had no intent of writing the girl back. and yet he found himself reading the 201 words over and over, running his hands across the paper, expecting them to fade away as he wiped. counting and recounting. he surely couldn’t talk to any of the twats at hogwarts, maybe a stranger could help numb the pain. and as long as he didn’t tell anyone- she couldn’t get hurt, she was to far.

draco was packed for hogwarts, the response at the bottom of the trunk, underneath his clothes. he’d just have to get to the damn school, then he could write all he wanted- without his parents knowledge or ridicule. his mind jumbled together what he was going to say while his friends rambled on. the train pulled up to the castle after dreadful hours and he could barely sit still during the opening feast. his thoughts did falter though, when dumbledore gave his speech, he felt guilty- the shame of his family weighing on his shoulders. he looked around, all his classmates staring in adoration at a man who would be dead ten months from now, and they were sitting in the same room as his killer.

the singular room was nice, he knew it wasn’t for lounge, but for plots of death.

before he began he started making promises to himself. if i get behind on the plan ill won’t write, if snape notices anything about it, ill stop. the list went on and on.

he couldn’t put his pen down, the words continued to fly out the end, was he oversharing?

dear y/n

my deepest apologies that my last letter found it’s way to you. im sure you didn’t expect whatever you may have perceived from it. honestly, i don’t know how it arrived all the way over there. im almost positive you have better things to do than listen to my problems, and i know you had no control over the fact it arrived, but i ask you to please not share this information with anyone. i am unsure if i will take up your offer of amity, if you were serious that is. im at school now, so if you’d like to respond, not that you have to- you can send letters back with my owl, it’ll be faster (and i won’t have to worry about stamps- thanks for the tip by the way)

draco malfoy

and with that noctua was off into the night, and he could only hope that it would make it to her.

droll was running down y/ns chin and she was caught in a dream. suddenly a vigorous tapping on the window pulled her into consciousness, the sight of owl knocking her backwards in a scare. a crash sounded, if the tapping didn’t wake anyone up, that surely did. she almost considered just trying to ignore it, until she noticed a letter tied to its neck and reluctantly opened the window. she’d never seen an owl in real life before, but was aware from school that they weren’t exactly the kindest of creatures. this one just perched on the window while she removed the new enevelope, no stamps in sight. just a neatly printed address, and his in the corner.

from the new letter she learned even more- this wasn’t a prank, draco was a real person, was still in school, and whatever the first misplaced letter contained was true. he had some sort of task and didnt want help, but that was all. so with what she could, she wrote another response. it took an hour and she wasn’t exactly sure what she had written by mid morning.

draco

you’d be quite suprised actually, it gets lonely over here. i still haven’t exactly deciphered your original note, so if you would like to help me understand i think i’d be ready. and no worries about me, my lips are sealed. what is an unbreakable vow, im curious? you go to boarding school? and owls, really? what the hell is up with that? im pretty sure it’s illegal to own one here, but we are countries away, so perhaps it’s different all the way over there. send whatever you want. i do not- by the way- have anything better to do in the slightest.

y/n

he continued to write throughout the month of september, which bled into october before he knew it. he was avoiding questions about the task, just wanting someone to talk to. it wasn’t easy, she was curious, which draco couldn’t exactly be mad at her for that since he continued to write her, accepting the distant friendship that was forming.

he was learning a lot about her aswell. besides french, which he informed her he spoke fluently numerous times, she was a very good student. she was single, he didn’t remember how that came up but made a note in his mind- he couldn’t date her, nor did he know enough about her to be properly involved.

she read a lot of books, sappy romances mostly, couldn’t cook anything deemed edible by anyone, and her favourite colour was green, he smirked when reading that for the first time. she didn’t know what she wanted to do with her future, just not a doctor like her parents wanted.

y/n was sitting in english as her teacher reviewed about univeristy application requirements. only next year they would be getting accepted and denied from their dream schools. she’d spent years dreaming of it, university, and yet somehow a boy half way around the was racing through her mind. she felt horrible about it, the small crush. it was incredibly selfish, falling for a boy with so much going on, he certainly didn’t need her as anything more than a friend to talk to, but he was good with his words, and making her feel important too. her dismissal came and so did a classmate, approaching confident and cocky.

‘hey, l/n’ he said, a smirk on his face

‘oh, uh hey, will’

‘what are doing tonight?’ her mind went blank, any excuse, come on, say something

‘i have plans’ wow real specific, great job, y/n

‘like what’

‘fish funeral, real important stuff, my family is just devastated’ her voice was clearly sarcastic and that was all before she walked right out. no she didn’t exactly have plans, but waiting for dracos owl provided much more company than any date could have. the sight of dracos owl flying towards the pre-opened window was somewhat relieving, she didn’t know why, just the fact that he had not failed yet, and was still out there was nice. she hadn’t had this much company. since last year at least, when her supposed best friend started ghosting her because of some petty shit.

thankfully noctua ad gotten quite good at being discreet when delivering the letters. of all the things on y/ns junior year bucket list, explaining to her parents that she had befriended a british boy with an owl who flyed into her room while her neighbours had a clear view, wasn’t one. she also began keeping a bowl of water under her bed for the owl to drink when it arrived, knowing it couldn’t have been easy travelling back and forth.

y/n

im not fully sure you want to know the depth, yet you seem to want me to corrupt you with my villain with a task baggage. i suppose it couldn’t hurt if i told you about the unbreakable vow. it’s like a promise or a bond, but if you break it then you die. if you can stomach that i may be able to tell you more. how far away do you reckon we are?

draco

draco wasn’t falling behind too far, but his first attemp had failed, and panic attacks were taking up most his time. he never had any, at least not this bad until this year. at least once a day he would start sweating, no matter how cold he was, unable to control his breathing or tears, feeling like the walls were caving in upon him.

that is, besides writing y/n as much as he could. apparently she was being honest, she had no schedule of any sort besides going to school. he hated to say, but he was becoming attached, he didn’t exactly know how either, but everytime he recieved a letter a small weight was lifted from his shoulders, even just when he read it.

noctua was doing the weekly, almost daily round at breakfast with the other owls and draco watched with anticipation as a letter dropped on his lap and owl on his shoulder. he tried to conceal the letter into his robes but pansy had taken matters into her own hands. likely jealous that she’d spent collectively around six hours with him the whole year, and he never talked to her like he used to.

‘ou draco whats this’ twirling the envelope between her hands. the letter had no name, no stamp, only a small heart drawing in the corner.

‘hands off parkinson’ he said while taking the letter back. ‘a letter from my mother, if you must know’ he said knowing that neither his mother or father had written him anything, despite having all the time to do so.

he got up and left the second he was done, not wanting to draw snapes suspicion about who could possibly be more important than working on this task.

he rushed to his room, desperate for more of her words. he tried to picture her voice in his head, but had to remind himself she wasn’t british nor was she from southern america.

draco,

so you just die if you break the promise? intresting. it’s not as hard to stomach as you seem to think, very unique tradition i suppose. you are not a villain draco, you haven’t told me much about it but your to good of a person to have picked any of this for yourself. i calculated when we you were home, seven thousand three hundred something, i don’t know where your fancy boarding school where you have owls for pets is, so it may be further. im ready whenever you are.

y/n

her letter was relieving for him aswell, even in the slightest it helped, but she deserved some sort of answer for helping him take his mind off the task for a couple minutes. he could tell if she wasn’t scared off already, this would do it.

y/n

if you are sure, here it is. dumbledore is my headmaster, the dark lord is a very powerful wizard, and snape is my professor. if i don’t kill dumbledore before july, he will kill me and my family, if i can’t complete the task, snape will kill him under terms of an unbreakable vow. im not a very good villain that’s for sure, my first attemp failed, and my classmate is out cold. i understand if you dont want to write to me anymore, just don’t tell anyone about this, please.

dm.

the only words to describe the feeling that overwhelmed her senses as she read were devastation and shock. tears pooled in her eyes as she tried to imagine herself with that much responsibility to wildhold until july. another detail that caught her eye, wizard? what did he mean by wizard? is that the word for dictator in england? certainly he wasn’t talking about the wizards she read about in storybooks as a child. her hand shook slightly and she debated mentioning it.

draco

you’re silly if you think i’d stop writing you. you need company now more than ever. please don’t hold things back from your letters, you deserve someone to talk to. that is quite the situation, im sorry if i pushed you, you do have enough on your shoulders and i want to help you as much as i can. i hate to ask, but you mentioned ‘wizards’ and i am a bit confused.

all my love

initially, draco went into shock. he knew he was probably oversharing, but didn’t expect to slip up in that way. he begrudgingly admitted; knowing that if this went badly he would likely be banished from the wizarding world, which didn’t seem like such a horrible punishment to him anymore. and yet she was fascinated, by the coins he sent her, the subjects he learned- which she compared to her own much less exciting ones, and everything he told her about it. he could now talk to her about much more, since both his secrets were now out in the open to her. he told her about the about the houses, and they both agreed she would probably be in hufflepuff, well he thought so, her kind and accepting nature, and she didn’t know enough to disagree. and for the first time in the long time he was seeing things differently, completely diminishing the rude behaviour he often displayed towards the house.

she even sent him a picture, the first time he ever saw her face. a large smile spread across her beautiful features, she seemed to be laughing. eyes glistening in the sun even prettier than he could have imagined. he slept with it under his pillow, and could stare at the still image for hours. no it didn’t move around, but he couldnt care less. he only had one picture of himself in his possession and he was young, about four. she was facinated by the moving image, his blonde hair and attitude shining right through. he would owl his mother for a more recent one, but didn’t want to explain why.

the letters were helping him, but the task wasn’t advancing. his second attempt had failed, he was caught sneaking into slughorns party, and harry was onto him. they were also causing him doubt. say they did get the cabinet fixed, he couldn’t see himself killing dumbledore anymore, the more he talked to her he realized he couldn’t be a killer, as cold as he was to some people, but he had to, didnt he?

most importantly every letter she sent gave him a sense of hope. that the second this is over he could move. away from voldemort, and potter, his parents even, england in whole. perhaps not to canada, but it could be a change, half way across the world with the girl who was helping him stay alive through his letters. he just needed to stay alive long enough too see her.

the seasons changed around draco, but his room stayed the same. hot from mysterious potions, for himself and some for dumbledore, he had not had much hope after the wine, though. it was lonely, not that he’d like y/n here, he’d much rather be there, all the way across the world.

may came in a blur, and finals were creeping up. one week y/n sat at her desk, every night, waiting for a letter that didn’t come. on the fifth letterless day she cried. not exactly knowing why, it wasn’t her that had much of a reason to cry, but dracos company had filled her lonely life up with light of its own, leaving it darker than it was before she saw the first letter. she was silly to be so attached and silly to expect him to reciprocate the feelings she had proclaimed in the last one she sent, and should have expected him to stop eventually. so she continued on with school, finding it a bit easier to concentrate now that a draco sized whole was missing from her brain, and her heart aswell.

the next week, though, a letter came, very appreciated by y/n as the whole other universe, british boy forgetting thing wasn’t as easy as it seemed.

y/n

im sorry for not writing, the classmate i mentioned all those months ago woke from the curse, and the potter twat hexed me with a spell id never heard of before. i would have tried to contact with you but i couldn’t exactly trust what my brain was planning on writing, and the cuts are still a bit sore. the cabinets fixed, but even if everything works out okay i won’t be writing very much at all. i’ll be home in july, but the manor will be infested with death eaters and i can’t let you get hurt. thank you for everything l/n.

draco

it stung a little, knowing that the empty feeling the girl just experienced would be more frequent, he didn’t mention anything about what she had said, and that this could be the last time she ever heard from him if he didn’t kill dumbledore. in hindsight, practically telling her she loved him in a letter wasn’t what he needed, she knew that.

he left out the fact that he the spell put a him in a huge emotinal draught. he was exhausted constantly, crying even more than before. the cuts were sore, so he wasn’t holding everything back.

the last month of school came and went all to fast for dracos liking, and death eaters now roamed around the castle, causing havoc where ever they could. his trunk had been shurken so small it looked like a small muggle toy he put into his pocket easily. the dark mark that was stretched across his left arm was now hanging in the gray sky, and the headmaster was no where to be seen. he paced anxiously around a vacant corridor until he heard a pop in the astronomy tower. he didn’t think people could apparate into hogwarts, it would have made his job much easier.

‘harry, get snape, i need snape now’ he seemed exhausted, maybe this wouldn’t be as hard

‘sir im going to sit you down okay, and then ill go get madam pomf-‘

‘severus, harry, I need severus now, go get him and talk to no one else’ he said in a shallow yet somewhat urgent and angry tone.

draco waited for footsteps to disappear, before whipping the door open with his wand already ready.

‘oh hello, draco, nice to see you on this fine evening’ he said nonchalantly, leaning his weight against the wall.

‘EXPELLIARMUS’ draco boomed, successfully disarming the man without counter attempts before glancing around to see a second broom

‘who else is here?’ he said sounding confident but feeling the opposite

‘i could ask you the same question, acting alone are you? you don’t seem supported’

‘no, there are death eaters in your school tonight, and i got them here’ he snarked ‘they’ll be up, any minute now, their fighting down below. i’ve got a job to do’

‘well done boy, if you don’t mind me asking a few questions, before you get on with it, im very intrested’ was he kidding? he knew draco was about to kill him right? wanting to stall, and not fully wanting to kill him he nodded his head yes.

‘you seem scared to act until they join you

‘im not scared, you should be scared’ he snarled, unable to contain the fear in his voice any longer any longer

‘oh draco’ he sighed ‘while we wait for your friends arrive, care to explain how you smuggled them in here? i never imagined it possible, especially not by a student’

‘i had to mend the broken cabinet that no ones used for years, there’s another one in borgin and burkes. montague got stuck in told everyone stories about it, how he could sometimes hear what was going on in the shop and sometimes hear hogwarts like a passage, and i was the only one who discovered what it meant. not even borgin, not you either, i did it right under your nose, you didn’t realize anything’ he said

‘you are right, i didn’t know that. i do- on the other hand, know that you aren’t a killer’

he raised his wand a little higher, feeling wheezy and as though his legs would give in any second

‘how you know that, I’ve done despicable things, you wouldn’t even be able to fathom’

it was dumbledore’s time to pause, glancing up at the sky and looking around the room before continuing

‘draco i know you almost killed katie bell and ron weasley. you’ve been trying to kill me all year, forgive me for saying this, but they’ve been very feeble attempts. to be honest ive wondered wheather your heart has truly been in it’

‘it has, and if you knew why didnt you stop me’

‘snape has been watching over you on my orders’

‘ it’s not on your orders, he promised my mother-‘

‘ofcourse he would tell you that, but it happens to be that i trust professor snape’

‘your losing it then, he’s a double agent, he isn’t working for you- he’s been trying to get in on the action all year, helping me and all. doesn’t matter now- he probably doesn’t even know they are here yet, he will wake up tomorrow and no longer be the dark lords favourite, he will be nothing compare to me’ confidence was building within him

‘very gratifying, we all like being recognized for our hard work, but, draco?im standing here wandless and weak, unable to defend myself, and you have not made any move to kill me, dont blame me for believing you will not, but let’s discuss your options’

‘my options’ he laughed ‘im standing here with a wand, about to kill you’

‘oh dear boy, if you were going to kill me you would have when you disarmed me, not stayed for a little chat’

‘i haven’t got any options, don’t you understand, i have to kill you, or he will kill me’

‘okay, if you don’t want to join the order with your mother where we could protect you, i only have one more question’

‘better hurry, theyre on their way’ he almost laughed which was quickly replaced when Dumbledore said his next words.

‘who is y/n l/n’ at that a tear fell down dracos face, and he lowered his wand almost completely

‘i-i don’t know who that is, odd l-last words’ he stuttered

‘draco dont play dumb now, not after we discovered you are very intelligent. we left some of the security measures from last year that Umbridge enabled, and I couldn’t help but notice hundreds of letters flowing to and from her. i looked into student files, ilvermornies too, nothing, id never heard the name, a muggle i presumed. but of all the things, that had me the most confused. i couldn’t figure out why you would be contacting her, so i did some meddling’

‘WHAT DID YOU DO’

‘fiesty all the sudden, are you? i felt bad after opening this, it seemed very personal, and i probably should given it too you sooner, but i was a bit preoccupied double checking my drinks and all’ dumbledore said handing him the letter.

draco

how is the cabinet coming? it’s raining even more here than usual, all day and night. and don’t talk like that, saying you don’t have a future. you do draco, you deserve another chance and infinite amounts of them. you are just a kid, you shouldn’t be forced to be a hero. you are protecting so many people right now, but i don’t need any. you have given my life enough light in the last few months than i ever recall, and im so thankful that letter came to me. i wish you were here with me right now, but i know you can’t be, so just stay alive, okay?

y/n

more tears fell, he hated being so weak at the mention of her, crying before he completed the blessing his father and bellatrix considered the task to be.

‘she’s right, draco, you deserve another chance’

he was speechless, and could tell Dumbledore knew he found his weakness.

‘i always pictured you and pansy, never in a million years imagined you to be in a relationship with a muggle’

‘no matter who does it, your about to be killed, and im not here to discuss my love life am i?’

‘so you do love her?’ before draco could even think he heard a door open and raised his wand, hiding the letter faster than he had ever moved.

‘shut up, they will kill her’ he said quietly and desperately

in walked fenrir greyback, yaxley, and bellatrix. they made banter of their own, but her words replayed. he couldn’t do it.

‘go on draco’ his aunt whispered into his ear, making him shiver.

‘DO IT, DO IT BOY’ she yelled, in a high pitched and annoying voice

he felt a strong arm over his chest, pushing him aside, and he saw the whoosh of snapes robes and an already pleading dumbledore

‘severus, please’

‘AVADA KEDAVRA’ snape shouted, a green flash producing from the end of his wand, hitting the old man square in the chest. draco rushed over to the edge, watching him fall. it was a long way down.

the rain had sudsided, sunlight leaking into her room during the day. watching the sky at night, failing to find constellations he described many times to her. her wardrobe was mostly untouched, remaining in pyjamas most of the week. the odd time she did leave, she saw her old friends walking and laughing out her car window. eating and socializing felt like a chore, and she hadn’t communicated with the boy since may. he could be dead, she didn’t know. there was no death on the ‘muggle’ news, and draco wasn’t on the top wanted list, not that he likely would be on the television all the way over here. he could be fine, in wiltshire, going to dinner parties and holding balls. or maybe, he too, was sitting in his room staring at the ceiling for days on end. she had now hung the picture of a young draco by her desk, not needing to worry about anyone seeing. her siblings were once again home, but out living their lives so much that it still felt like they were gone. for the first time she noticed his scroll on the back.

‘i was four when this was taken i believe, my hair is very similar, i was quite sassy, im sure that shows without explanation.’ she blushed while reading, it was true. his hands were on his hips whipping his head around.

every day was a surprise around malfoy manor. not the kind of surprise draco liked. not the feeling of butterflies in his stomach when he read y/ns letters, those were replaced by a pit as they were summoned around the large table in the dining room. the first one he attended was horrible, watching his muggle studies teacher being hung above their heads, pleading for the help of severus as she died. he bit his tongue in an attempt to avoid raging about about every comment surrounding muggle culture. each one tore his heart, as he imagined the girl all those kilometres away, the girl he had no contact with, but he looked at her picture as much as possible, and hoped one day he could make her smile again like she did in the image.

senior year was here, and y/n schedule picked up once again. her timetable was full, maybe it was best, a distraction, after a whole summer of thinking alone in her room. draco was on her mind at night, no matter how hard she tried to forget. she’d made friends with her creative promotions partner, logan. he was certainly not intrested in her in anyway besides friends, but company after all this time was enjoyable, just in the hour of class

draco had little privacy, with death eaters in every hallway, conversing with eachother. wherever he went someone was there, until he finally got sick of it and began going to the garden bench. with a book, sometimes, giving some of the sappy love stories y/n mentioned a try or even the poetry books she sent with noctua awhile back, they were okay, but his heart hurt at the feeling of relation in every line. he could only read one or two poems at a time, without tears forming in his green orbs.

sometimes he went with a pen and a notebook. he wrote about everything. the smell of the plants around him, the feeling in his chest when the dark lord called for a meeting. most of the notebook, though, was filled with poems of his own. and letters he had no intention of sending for her own safety. she wasn’t in harms way, though, other followers were preoccupied with ruining weddings and other things they considered fun. he blabbered on for pages, about how he missed seeing noctua fluttering towards him at breakfast. how he rereads the letter that dumbledore gave him the night he died. how she listened to him rant on and on, giving her support no matter how evil he felt. how he found love where it wasn’t supposed to be.

snow was falling once again, he had to dress in layers, making it hard to write often, the plants started dying as cold settled over and his mother no longer babied him like she used to before the death eaters began inhabiting the mansion. he couldn’t keep himself company any longer and gave into the pressure he put on himself. as long as they were careful, she’d be in no destruction- he prayed as he wrote what seemed to be an appropriate response after all this time.

like it had been decades, she flinched at the noise of the owl on the window, carrying a much larger scroll that he’d ever sent before, some parts scratched out and written above. his writing was much less tidy than she remembered, like the letters on the page were anxious for her reaction.

love,

after all this time, im sorry you are just now hearing from me. you have ever single right to be annoyed with me, after you listened to me for months, helping me emotionally in ways i never be able to repay you for. you do not need to forgive me, or write me back. i just wanted to keep you safe. but i needed to tell you everything before it might actually be to late. you’ve probably moved on and forgotten about me, like you should, but i guess im saying that i am alive. i didn’t kill him either. snape did. i thought i was going to be able to, but he started talking about you. he gave me a letter from you that he had already opened, the words repeated in my head over and over. you talked about how i deserved another chance, and how you wish I’d was there with you. right before he died he asked me if i loved you. i knew the answer but didn’t have time to say it. ive read your poetry books, they aren’t as bad as i once thought, i can’t read to many at once. i try to forget what dumbledore said that night, and that night altogether. but one day i read ‘that’s how you know you love someone, i guess. when you cant experience anything without wishing the other person was there to see it too.’ when i sit in the garden i imagine you smelling the flowers, myself picking one and putting it behind your ear. when i go on walks i imagine your hand in mine. youre in my dreams. my never ending thought. i remember the way i felt when we started talking a lot, and how I felt when we didn’t get a chance. you listened to me when no one else offered. not even my parents. i hope your doing okay, and smiling and laughing. i don’t care if we talk about absolutely nothing, i just want to talk to you. i know that’s unfair to you after all ive weighed on you. but i guess that’s all, i love you. draco ♡

well this certainly didn’t get him off her mind. she didn’t need to either. ofcourse she was going to write him back, but she needed time to think about her response. she missed the next day of school, and his owl was comfortably standing on her desk, nibbling away at the water and crumbs. she took an hour long shower, multiple naps, raided her fridge, and had to email the school pretending to be her mum, excusing her for the day. before she even knew what she was going to write, she began on a new piece of paper. she’d have thought longer, but was sure draco would be convinced she stole noctua out of anger.

draco,

wow. i don’t really know what to say. i knew you weren’t a killer, and i meant what i said about you deserving more chances. i will admit i was angry, and a bit confused. i sent that letter with high hopes. i don’t know what i was hoping for at the time, i was being incredibly selfish. but couldn’t help myself feel pained when you didn’t mention it in the next letter when you said harry hexed you. i know we can’t be together, especially not right now, but i love you too. i wish more than anything you were here with me right now, and it was you i’d be graduating with half a year from now. i wish you were in the passenger seat of my car while i drive through the city. i wish you could point out the constellations in the sky. i usually can’t read to many poems either, they get me thinking to much. im ready to write again if you are.

y/n

draco hadn’t felt more joy in a long time. around seven months. she loved him, and that was enough happiness for a life time. he just needed to stay alive.

they continued to stay in touch, almost as if they never stopped talking, entertaining eachother as much as possible, masking their separate misery and the distance between them. he could get time away from the reality that was his life for a while, he thought, until snatchers brought the trio he spent so long bickering with to the manor.

a very distorted looking harry fell before him, his hair tightly gripped by bellatrix.

‘well, is it him’ he knew it was harry. and yet a part of him couldn’t bring himself to letting the boy get killed.

‘i can’t be sure’ he lied

‘draco, look closely son’ lucius said loudly, getting a grip on the back of dracos neck before leaning in and whispering.

‘if we are the ones that hand potter to the dark lord, all will be f-forgiven. a-all will go back to how it was’

his father and the and a snatcher quickly got into an arguement. lucius was yelling something about the manor before narcissa calmed him with a hiss.

‘don’t be shy, sweetie come here take a closer look’

draco was know level with him. the scar was still visible on his forehead, and swollen eyes staring back at him, hopeless.

‘what’s wrong with his face’ draco said

‘yes what is wrong with the boys face’ a shrill voice repeated

‘he was like that when we got him, something he picked up in the forest i reckon’

bellatrix walked away, laughing away at something. the blonde boys eyes were still on harry, before he felt a tap on his shoulder. bellatrix began acting out, yelling about a sword, putting ropes around snatchers neck from the end of her wand. sword now in her hand she walked over to ronald weasley, grabbing his collar and demanding that the boys be put in the cellar.

a different draco would have gladly watched a mudblood be tortured by his aunt. but he flinched at every scream of hermione, unable to watch he went to the next room, resisting tears as he thought of the girl he fell for enduring the same. she had moved onto the goblin- ridiculing it about who got into her vault- and hermiones screams were now gone.

‘youre lucky, goblin, the same won’t go for this one’ he heard footsteps

‘like hell it wont’ he heard ron yell, followed by the expelliarmus and what must have been harry stupefying his father. draco rushed in, now dueling a more normal looking harry, until their attention caught on bellatrix, a knife to grangers throat. they dropped there wands, and he did as instructed, picking them up. lucius was summoning the dark lord when they heard a tittering on the ceiling, and the chandlier crashing. it all moved so fast and harry was now wrestling draco for his wand back. he tried, but harry had already pried it out of his cold and shaky hands.

‘STUPID ELF. THAT COULD HAVE KILLED ME’

‘dobby never meant to kill. dobby only meant to maim or seriously injure’ the house elf squeaked, and draco had never resisted a chuckle so hard.

‘HOW DARE YOU TAKE A WITCHES WAND. HOW DARE YOU DEFY YOUR MASTERS’

‘dobby has no master, dobby is a free elf, and he has come to save Harry Potter and his friends.’ and with that they apparated out, not without bella throwing a knife into the mix.

meanwhile, y/n was receiving letters of her own. not from draco either. letters from the schools she applied to. so far everything was good, except for princeton, but she didn’t have the highest expectations. she was accepted to the university of british columbia, seattle university, even ucla. she only had one letter left, and the large stuffed yellow envelope sat in her hands. she wasn’t sure about it- would she even be able to go to the univeristy of london? it was far, but draco was there, well closer to there atleast. accepted- it read. it was an option, and she still had weeks to think about it.

draco was very hesitant to write after the incident at the manor, the screams of Hermione, and the terrifying looking potter still vivid in his brain and nightmares. he often woke from sleep in a sweat, yet freezing cold. whispers of the war around his house also haunted his mind and soul. he’d walk to the window and look up at the the stars, they were under the same sky, at least. eventually he had to write her, it had been half a month and he couldn’t leave her hanging alone again.

y/n

love, im sorry for being hesitant, but there is going to be a war. i hate to leave you contact-less, but i need you to be safe now more than ever. i couldn’t live with myself if you got hurt. potter and his friends were brought here to the manor, it didn’t last long- they escaped within the hour and a half. with that doped elf, and a goblin too. if you don’t hear from me again, remember i love you. and always will.

draco

of all the letters y/n had recieved, from draco in all, that was probably the most displeasing. a war? like with tanks and bombs? tears were shedding down her face as she wrote the shortest response yet. knowing he most definitely didn’t have time to listen to her talk about schools, and how she got accepted to london, but her parents deemed it to far, ubc would have to do, she’d find her way to him eventually, if they were meant to be.

draco

stay safe, i love you.

yn.

draco now stood at snapes new office, dozens of corpses on the floor, pooled in blood. the dark lord speaking parsel tounge to nagini. no one needed to speak it to know that the man was infuriated about something potter had done.

the information he left was lacking, was he serious? what did wizarding wars even look like? her graduation date was set, June 6th, but it all seemed irrelevant, suddenly picking out a dress didn’t seem as fun as she thought, same with getting portraits taken. should she have said more?

next thing he knew the protection spell was countered and he apparated in, grabbing zabani and goyle by the collar. rushing them into a corridor and waited for the door of the room of requirement to completely vanish before approaching himself. they successfully found harry, opening a box carefully before finally drawing attention to themselves.

‘well well, what brings you here, potter’ draco said, softly, much to his surprise as he meant it to sound snarky and rude

‘i could ask you the same’

‘i believe you have something of mine, and id like it back’ was he becoming… kind?

‘whats wrong with the one you have?’ harry replied

‘it’s my mothers, powerful but different, doesn’t fully understand me, im sure you know the feeling’

‘why didn’t you tell her. bellatrix? you knew it was me, and you didn’t tell her’ he wasn’t exactly sure what to say, nor did he know. harry really didn’t have anything to do with his feelings for y/n, maybe he should have just turned in him when he had the chance, it would all be over if he had.

‘don’t be a wuss draco, just do it now’ goyle whispered in his ear, making him chill the same way bellatrix did on the astronomy tower, almost a year ago.

‘expelliarmus’ hermione half shouted, causing narcissas want to fly out of dracos hands and run the other way.

‘avada kedavra’ goyle missed and weaslebee started chasing after them, yelling something about his girlfriend. turning back around after goyle unsuccessfully casted the fiendfyre curse.

fear was making his body almost rattle as he desperately climbed bookcases in an attemp to outrun the flames. he watched goyle fall, into the orange. yes, he was a complete and utter twat, but wasn’t a half bad friend during dracos bullying peek. his foot slipped, now just his hands were keeping him up, and he wasn’t sure how much longer he could hold on. in the distance he saw the three, zooming off to safety in the distance, leaving them their to die. not that he blamed them, after anything he did to them, he would have probably left himself there aswell.

but potter was flying towards him, arm out-stretched, grabbing onto his own and hoisting himself on the broom. had he already died? must not have, because the heat had finally caughten up. feeling as though he was going to pass out, he gripped tighter onto harry, maintaining his position on the broom. so much for staying safe. the second they made it out, they crashed onto the ground. he wanted to thank harry, but found himself running off instead.

explosions and hexes were being sent everywhere. people dying left and right. giants and trolls and spiders helping, he found himself in the slytherin common room. partially because he wanted to say goodbye, as he never wished to return to the building again once he had the choice. and partially as he was now aware of a large burn on his arm, and he felt a need to put off fighting until absolutely necessary. he entered through the portrait, for the last time. it felt like an aquarium, looking out upon the lake filled windows, merpeople and the giant squid often zooming by. he sat down upon the sofa, where he spent countless hours avoiding homework, plotting against potter and swimming in lust of his pure-blood status that now felt like a curse. he went up to his dorm, where he did very similar things. he wondered as to what he would be doing if he was a muggle right now. picking out a suit for graduation, buying a corsage for his date, but he wasn’t, so he best get going. running his hands along the furniture before leaving, not looking back.

the noise in the entrance courtyard had completely been diminished and draco found his way into the crowd of students pooling in. death eaters swarmed towards them at a painfully slow place, his mother and father near the head of the group. he noticed hagrid, towering above them, carrying what could only have been harrys corpse.

he watched carefully as they approached, trying to wedge himself inbetween and behind other students.

‘harry potter is dead’ voldemort paused ‘from now on, you put your faith in me’ silence fell over the hundreds of people who were know gathered. he swished his robes and turned backwards facing his followers

‘HARRY POTTER IS DEAD’ obnoxious and deafening cackles erupted

‘and now is the time to declare yourselves. come to our side, or die’ even more silence fell.

‘draco’ his father hissed before repeating ‘draco’

he felt eyes fall all over him, gazing expectantly. tears ran down his face.

don’t talk like that, saying you don’t have a future. you do draco, you deserve another chance and infinite amounts of them. was this what she meant? he’d been looking for another chance, maybe this was it.

he shook his head no, and noticed his father had fallen a shade of pale he didn’t know existed.

‘Draco, DRACO’ he yelled, clearly enranged, but before he could continue - a movement shifted in hagrids arms, and harry fell out. in a heartbeat draco threw his wand to the scar faced boy. he caught it, looking grateful as he could while casting some sort of spell at nagini. death eaters were disappearing into the air- including lucius, narcissa being dragged with him.

draco didn’t know what to do with himself, he was wandless and he couldn’t fight, unless he wanted to engage in an actual physical duel, which he didn’t. he found himself in the great hall, asking professor sprout if she needed help patching those up, she pulled him into a hug, unexpectantly. he never recalled such contact or connection with a professor. he spent the rest of the battle helping healing wounds with dittany, and caring for those left in the wake. it was a nice distraction from the fact he would most definitely be disowned, left a family-less orphan at 17.

y/n couldn’t blame him for not writing, he clearly stated that it might be the last time. but every night she cried until she couldn’t cry anymore, or until she fell asleep. how could she like him so much? they’d never even met. she didnt really need to see him to know him, his letters told him enough about him. and she could only hope- that if he managed through his six year without killing his headmaster, he could make it through the war.

he delayed going back to the manor for as long as possible, until he decided to apparate directly into his room. he considered packing his things up, but realized no one was home. he was thankful, he don’t think he would ever be able to fully confront his parents again. he fell asleep in his bed, and slept for 48 hours straight. he slept through very vivid dreams, ones of y/n being tortured the same way as Hermione, ones of the dark lord coming alive once again and killing his mother because of his choices. he couldn’t bring himself to sleep again purposefully, no matter how exhausted he was. the days weren’t much better, his mind raced at unbelievable paces. he saw the dead bodies laying around the great hall, the unrecoverable ones. maybe he should have just fallen into the fire, surely that would have been easier. he was slowly becoming thinner, and always needed multiple blankets to even stay at a somewhat warm temperature, his heart beat faster than normal. he often felt pains in his neck, and his eyes were almost always puffy from crying. he spent so much time in bed he almost didn’t hear his owl flutter onto his nightstand mid afternoon, a small package tied loosely around his neck.

he opened it to see a letter, muggle candies and a worn book. suddenly he felt more awake, and be shot up a little to fast then he should have, sitting on the edge of his bed.

draco.

i don’t know where you are, or if youre alive, if youre reading this now. i hope this doesn’t arrive at a bad time. but your 18 now, so happy birthday. if you are seeing this, i still love you. i think about you all the time. i hope you are okay, and safe. in case you don’t end up writing me back, i just thought I’d give you some random information to keep you company and away from your mind. i graduate tomorrow. i look at your picture everyday. I remember what you once told me about following my dreams, so instead of medicine, im going to study literature and business next year. im staying in kelowna aswell for now, hoping maybe you’ll be able to visit someday. im sure you’d like it. my favourite colour is still green. i don’t know what else to say.

always here to listen if you’d like to talk. yn.

was it actually his birthday? had it already been a month since the war? it felt like a year but the visions played over and over like it was yesterday. it took him awhile before it clicked. the war was over, Voldemort was dead and there was no one to stop him from seeing her. he completely disregarded the lightheaded feeling he got when he stood up to fast- and rushed to his wardrobe. it took him a bit longer than he thought to pack up all his clothes, including the thousands of letters he kept hidden in a large drawer. the trunk was a bit heavier than he may have thought, and he ended up needing to take a car, in fear that he may not be able to apparate successfully to the airport without injuring himself. he quickly found out that muggle travelling was harder than he thought, and security and customs were also apparently a thing that all people needed to get through.

he wrapped himself in his cloak and didn’t get a drop of sleep the whole plane ride. it was nighttime when they flew over montreal, and then toronto. the sun rose as they crossed through winnipeg, regina, and calgary. he didn’t know this himself ofcourse, but he aggressively hit the map on the screen in front of him, desperate to know where he was. he only got an hour of half decent sleep before he felt rattling of the plane landing, and he gripped tightly onto the arm rests. he struggled for half an hour before he even got sight of his luggage on the moving thing that went round and round. compared to London, kelownas airport was very small and easy to navigate. the air outside was hot, making draco feel even more self concious about his clothing choices.

y/n put her hair back into a twist with a clip taking a suprising amount of effort to make sure it looked okay. her makeup was natural looking, nothing crazy but she looked gorgeous none the less. she slipped into her black romper, some canadians didn’t wear their fancy dresses to convocation, only something simple to go with the cap and gown. she arrived at the ceremony, seeing everyone, with excited smiles and laughs, conversing amongst themselves. and every memory came rushing back. they sat in rows on a stage, listening to the heartfelt and extremely cheesy speech the staff made every single year. she’d never noticed how many kids were in her age group until they were being called up one by one.

‘alex can’

‘ruth lee’

and the list went on and on until finally

‘y/n l/n’ the moment had come, and she shook everyone’s hand, receiving her diploma and flipping her caps tassel to the left. ‘y/n is staying around next year, and attending the university of british columbia okanogan, good luck l/n’ her principal said and claps continued like they had and the rest of the list finished sooner, or seemed to go by faster, she wasn’t sure.

draco had never had to find a taxi by himself, but once he did he gave the driver the only place he knew, the address he saw on the top corner of her first response almost two years ago.

y/n pulled away from the school grounds, watching them disappear in her rear view mirror. it was hot with a breeze, but she smiled the whole way home. she’d done it, made it through every assignment and class, dealt with attention hungry bitches, and crappy teachers. the next door was truly opening. pulling up to her house, and closing her car door as she hopped out, she watched her feet carry her up to the house. turning the corner, she saw him, sitting there on her steps, a present wrapped horribly in his hands, looking very out of place in his black cloak. she stopped in her own steps and he hesitantly stood up, before she launched herself into his arms breathing in his cologne, finally together after all this time.

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tigerdrop · 4 years ago

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hey i just wanna say the long posts genuinely make my day. also can you talk more about gordon freeman character because the way you write him makes me quake in my gay little boots

i would love to talk about gordon freeman. thank u for the opportunity

the first thing i need to communicate about gordon is that this dude sucks. and i say this in the fondest way possible. he is a bitch from the moment he drops into the world until the moment he goes out. if you dont believe me, give it another watch! gordons mouthy and rude for no real reason, at least so far as “being a regular dude on his way into work” goes, and this dude goes around calling his coworkers names with zero provocation. (of course, we all know that the reason is because its a funny guy improv stream that borrows a bit from freemans mind, but im talkin from a character sense.)

but my argument isnt just that gordon freeman sucks. its that he sucks in a very specific way that i find insanely endearing. i love this dude. i love to hate him. hes awful in a very mundane sense - weve all known a guy like this, at least if youve spent too much time online - and its cathartic to watch him suffer because of it.

gordons a smart guy. as written, hes gotta be - hes a recent MIT grad, on his way to work at a top-secret research facility to do weird shit with crystals and theoretical physics. but the thing about smart guys is that theyre often......selectively intelligent. we can see this in the way that he has a hard time navigating his surroundings, and needs the science crew to guide him through it and keep him alive.

this is one of those things that is a natural consequence of somebody going through the game for the first time, but that i am interpreting as “gordon is kind of stupid sometimes��. its uncharitable but its not like he doesnt deserve it. he likes to boss around the crew as if he knows what hes doing, when he often very much does not, and is fond of demeaning their intelligence. hes real bad about this with tommy in particular, treating him like hes a kid whos playing at being a scientist when tommy is actually a decade older than him. all i am saying is that gordon ought to stay humble. hes awful cocky when he perceives himself as better than others.

which, i think, tracks with how cocky he gets when he gives up on the whole “well-meaning citizen” thing and just unloads bullets into people. he puts up a front of being a Nice Guy, you know, just some dude caught in a bad situation who doesnt like seeing his companions obliterate every NPC they come across, but that doesnt stop him from cackling like a fucking madman and mowing down aliens (and soldiers) every once in awhile. when he stops seeing himself as helpless and starts seeing himself as the one in control, the gloves come off. he gets mean. and i think thats very sexy of him

this, among other things, is why i am insistent that gordon freeman is a control freak. he desperately wants to be in control of the situation at all times, shepherding around the science crew primarily by bitching at them, but its of limited success. its futile. sisyphean. tommy, coomer, bubby, and benrey exist almost to torment him with exactly the thing that would make him suffer the most: a gaggle of people running around causing problems for him, but he cant go anywhere without them b/c hes reliant on them to make it out alive.

its perpetual suffering, and its cathartic to watch. and funny, too. and if youre a little weirdo like me, its very, very enjoyable. how twisted up he gets when nobodys listening to him! how sweaty and frazzled he must look. its cute, and it also makes me want to reach through the screen and shake him and tell him to just be a little nicer. he wants control but he doesnt know how to attain it, he doesnt know how to play nice like a real leader. i think its a neat contrast to gordon freeman as we know him in HL2, where he literally is the leader of the resistance and has to live up to it. this is gordon freeman but if he was moe through helplessness.

“helpless” is, i think, a great way to describe him. a core bit of imagery in half life is this sense of railroadedness and helplessness, with gordon freeman being put into play like a chess piece and having no choice but to move forward. and this iteration of gordon leans into that by being totally dependent on the science crew in order to make progress and Not Die. and hes also subject to the whims of benrey, local eldritch weirdo who has basically made it his life mission to fuck with gordon.

gordons anxieties dont help with that. if he wasnt so fun to stress out and fuck with, the science crew probably wouldnt do it so much! too bad for him that they like fucking with him so much that he was driven into a panic attack (multiple times, even, depending on your interpretation). hes got that real neurotic mindset. always worrying about shit that could go wrong, and attempting to exert control over his surroundings in an effort to control the anxiety.

IMO the real way to nail the Neurotic Gordon Freeman Experience is to combine the ever-present anxiety with his pervasive sense of self-loathing. he openly states that he has no friends and nobody seems to like him, and to that, i really gotta say, i wonder why. he doesnt really seem to factor in that hes kind of a bitch, and has way too high an estimation of his own intelligence relative to everybody elses. its really one of the worst ways to be: aware that people dont like you, but unaware of exactly why. if he was like, 10% nicer, he probably wouldnt have had half as many issues getting through black mesa, but also, its funny to see him squawking his way through the game. so, you know.

its stuff like that that makes me headcanon him as a dude with low self-esteem in general. convinced that hes not likable, not attractive, out of his element......impostor syndrome, except that theres some truth to it. this is a guy who truly does not realize how good he has it: he really is just an average shitty dude, and yet, somehow, benrey took a shine to him. some poor motherfucker out there actually likes him and wants to suck his dick. thats dedication

also, i keep bringing up “repression” when i talk about gordon. and hopefully, what ive been talking about helps explain why. he has a strong desire to be a regular dude, not just murdering his way through black mesa, but if hes pushed hard enough he leans into it. gets bossy. picks up a cigar off a dead soldier and takes a long drag, before smacking forzen around with a pistol and ordering him around. gordon freeman is a regular, kind of anxious guy who likes competitive swimming and streaming on justin.tv and making anime references, and he is also a guy who takes a filthy pleasure in making a trained soldier his bitch. and i didnt make up any of this shit - this is purestrain canon, baby. this is a guy with problems

to me, this screams the kind of guy who represses a lot of shit b/c he doesnt feel like its morally decent. you run into this guy a lot online: the wokeboy, the online leftist, the guy who spends too much time on social media websites. (like reddit. i think he would actively use reddit and he would never get any appreciable amount of karma but he never stops posting. its sisyphean! cathartic.) from the way he talks about “bootboys”, i think it tracks. he knows about imperialism, he knows about feminism, but at the end of the day hes your average american white dude who struggles with internalizing it.

a lot of those dudes struggle with sex and gender issues. (dont we all.) when youre trying to be a Good Person(tm), you spend a lot of time thinking about your own relationship to sex and kink and all that shit. and i maintain that a too-online dude who buries a lot of his control freak tendencies would also try to bury a lot of weird sexual shit in an attempt to seem Normal and Well-Adjusted and not like a little freak. i justify this by the sheer number of times gordon blurts out weird sex shit as a joke. there are only two outcomes to making that many piss jokes: either youre secretly a piss guy, or you lathe-of-heaven yourself into becoming one. i will stand by this

ive talked a lot about why this dude sucks. now, let me talk to you about what makes gordon so much fun to write. first things first: hes funny! a subjective evaluation, yeah, but both in- and out-of-character, hes aiming to be funny. and being the straight man to everybody else plays into that whole “helplessness” thing.

secondly: underneath it all, there is a good dude under there. gordon worries when his companions get hurt, he tries to clean them off and patch them up, and hes got his lil leftist heart in the right place. you could even read a lot of his bossy, bitchy demeanor as him wanting to make sure everyone gets out okay and doesnt hurt themselves. when it comes to animals and anti-imperialist sentiment, gordons a pretty good guy.

hes the kind of guy who would probably see a dog on the street and get excited and play with it, but would get really prickly about the correct way to put dishes in the dishwasher. control freak tendencies.

finally, subjecting such a miserable, tormented guy to even more psychological anguish is really, really fun. you feel a little bad for him, but he kind of deserves it. so many problems he goes through are purely of his own making, and if gordon would just relax and quit trying to hard to maintain control - of himself, of the people around him - and own up to having Problems and Issues, he would be a happier guy. but thats why its fun to bend him until he breaks. being a little control freak myself, putting gordon freeman thru psychosexual torment is cathartic.

when it comes to writing his thought processes, the fact that he is canonically some kind of psychotic (yes, i am boldly claiming this. suck me) and i am also canonically some kind of psychotic makes it easier to write what i think his thought processes are. i just give him my brain issues of “getting lost in thought” and “overthinking fucking everything”. a touch of paranoia helps. even if i dont explicitly label him as schizophrenic please know that i am writing him as a paranoid little nutcase at all times because, uh, you write what you know.

paranoid. anxious. of the mindset that everyones out to get him (which isnt helpful when everyone is out to get him). repressed and deeply Not Normal but trying so very fucking hard to be normal and well-adjusted. a control freak with sadistic tendencies who also really, really likes getting bullied by his best frenemy. a hapless little nerd who sounds really cute when his voice starts to break from nerves. and, most importantly, a dumb jock. do not ever forget this.

thats gordon freeman, babey. hope that helps

#asky #careposting

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despairofthefuture · 4 years ago

Note

HIRO GUNDAM IS IN TROUBLE BUT WE KNOW WHERE HAJIME IS UNFORTUNATLY HE ALREADY ACCEPTED (as far as we know junko could have been lying) BUT YOU CANT GO YET JUST GET PEKO PEKOYAMA AND THEN GO SHES A MASTER SWORDSMAN AND CAN HELP FEND OFF MURKRO (the alive one) HES SOMEWHERE NEAR THE ADMINISTRATIVE BUILDING EITHER OUTSIDE OF IT OR INFRONT OF ONE OF THE DOORS JUST GO GET PEKO AND SAY ITS AN EMERGENCY AND GUNDAM IS IN TROUBLE HOPEFULLY SHE UNDERSTANDS

Hiro was walking behind Chiaki and Imposter, the two walking towards the administrative building where Hajime had gone, when he suddenly stops moving. His head shoots over to the spirit, as does Chihiro and Leon. "...What?!" Hiro says in disbelief.

"Hiro?" Chiaki calls back to him, the two living companions having stopped walking. "Is something wrong?"

Hiro turns his head to look at her, his face pale.

"I'll take that as a yes." Imposter grimaces, running over to the clairvoyant. "What is it? Did you have another vision?!"

"Not...exactly." He answers. "But I dont have time to explain. Gundham...Gundham's in danger! I-I think he's being attacked by Mukuro, Junko's sister? I-I dont know!"

Hiro was breathing heavily, and was on the verge of a panic attack. People were being attacked now? Like, he knew that if he didnt stop Junko lots of people would die, but someone was actually...being hurt.

Was it because of him?

"Hiro, calm down." Leon's voice cuts through the panicking man's thoughts. His best friend places a ghostly hand as close to his shoulder as he can. "Relax. You got this still, alright?"

"We can save Gundham and stop Junko, you j-just need to take a breath." Chihiro chimes in with a comforting smile.

Hiro looks between the ghostly apparitions of two of his closest friends and nods. The anxiety and guilt in his gut doesnt go away, but it lessens enough for him to take a breath and look to a now extremely worried Chiaki and Imposter.

"The spirits also said we needed to find a...Peko Pekoyama?" He says to them, scratching the back of his head. "They say she's a-"

"Swordswoman. The Ultimate Swordswoman." Imposter interrupts the fortune teller, having regained his own composure. "Its not a bad idea. She is extremely skilled in fighting."

Chiaki places a finger to her chin. "Maybe we could ask Akane and Nekomaru for help? They're extremely powerful fighters, too. If they were in a fighting game, they'd be a top tier choice!"

Everyone gives her a puzzled look for a moment before Leon's ghost speaks up. "We could also ask Sakura, and possibly Mondo! They'd be very strong in a-"

"No." Hiro cut Leon off with a shake of his head, and his allies give him a surprised look.

"No?" Chiaki repeats with a tilted head. "Why not?"

The underclassman frowns and rubs the back of his head. "'Cause, like....there's already a lot of people involved in this mess." He mutters. "The more we tell about Junko's plan, the more'll get hurt. Plus the more likely that a mass panic will break out."

"But if the authorities were to know, they could apprehend Junko and stop her easily." Imposter points out.

"If it was that easy dont you think the spirits wouldve suggested that?" Yasuhiro counters. "Clearly she has more power than even the police. Which is the whole reason I dont even see how I can do this!" He glances over at his ghostly friends and sighs. "But I have to at least try so...if the spirits think Peko is the best option, we'll go with her. But I dont want to drag anyone else into this, ok? Please?"

Everyone was quiet for a while, until Leon snorts. "I'm impressed. Usually you would have run away crying by now. Guess you're taking this seriously."

Hiro rolls his eyes. "I dont really have a choice. I'm still terrified and I feel like giving up with each development. But I dont want to lose any of my friends."

Imposter smiles softly at that and bows his head. "I respect your dedication, Hiro. Very well. We wont tell anyone else of your visions."

Chiaki nods in agreement. "We probably wont even have to tell Peko." She muses quietly. "Just mentioning one of our friends being in danger should be enough."

Hiro nods. "Alright. Since you two know her best, why dont you both go get her?"

Imposter raises a brow. "And what are you going to do?"

"You could sneak over to the administrative building and see how things are going." Chihiro suggests.

Hiro grimaces at the idea but sighs. "I'm gonna...go to the administrative building and scope things out....stealthily."

"Do you think you can manage that?" Chiaki asks.

Hiro hesitantly nods, and after a shared look between the two upperclassmen, they say their goodbyes and hurry to find Peko.

Yasuhiro bites his lip and lets out a large breath, turning towards his destination. "Alright...let's go."

When Hiro arrives at the scene, he is horrified by what he ses.

Gundham is all but leaning against the wall of the building, gripping his right arm with his left as blood drips from it. His shirt is sliced open in several places, blood splattered onto it. There's a large gash on the left side of his face, just below his eye, that flows even more blood down his cheek, and his usually styled hair has come undone, falling into his eyes as his chest rises and falls heavily.

The breeder glares daggers at his opponent as he attempts to catch his breath. "Y-you...vile fiend!" He curses at her, placing a palm on the wall to steady himself as he tries to walk forward despite his shaky legs. "You will never take down GUNDHAM TANAKA!"

"I'll admit. I'm impressed." Mukuro says, ignoring Gundham's words as she stalks closer. Hiro notices there's not a scratch on her, and that terrifies him even further. "Most people would be long dead from the wounds I've given you. You're much stronger than I anticipated." The teasing smile that had been on her face quickly falls to a frown as she pulls out a throwing knife. "But this game ends now. You will no longer get in Junko's way."

Hiro's eyes widen in fear. No...no, this cant happen! He was supposed to save their lives, not end them faster! Could he intervene? But what could he do? He'd just get himself killed!

As he wracks his brain for how to save Gundham, he notices Imposter and Chiaki running his way, and behind them, a girl with a sword on her back.

Peko Pekoyama.

Hope rises in his chest for a moment, before its replaced with despair. Leon and Chihiro understand as well.

"...they wont make it in time." Chihiro whispers, the three of them slowly turning to watch the horrific scene unfold before them.

Mukuro grips the throwing knife in her hand, readying herself to throw it. Gundham meanwhile takes a deep breath and closes his eyes, seemingly accepting his death. Smirking at this, Mukuro throws the knife and-

"Squea-!"

A hamster's squeak is cut short.

Gundham slowly opens his eyes in confusion as to why he had felt no pain. They widen in horror at what he sees instead. Maga-Z, one of his beloved Dark Devas, had been impaled by the knife in his stead, apparently having stowed away in his scarf.

"No....no!" Gundham cries out in agony as he picks up the tiny corpse of his pet, tears forming in his eyes.

"Well, that was unintentional." Mukuro shrugs, pulling out another knife. "But at least you get to taste the sweet nectar of despair before you d-"

THUD!

Mukuro suddenly falls to the ground, Peko standing behind where she had stood with a wooden sword above her head.

Hiro lets out a breath so big he almost passes out. "Oh thank Father Time!" He exclaims, rushing over to join the others.

"We got here as fast as we could." Peko says, sheathing her sword and glaring at Mukuro.

"I dont think it was quick enough." Chiaki replies softly, looking over to where Gundham was knelt down, cradling his falled subordinate.

There is a solemn silence as everyone gives Gundham his time to grieve.

Eventually he stands, still holding Maga-Z in his hands. "I thank you mortals for your assistance." He says, his voice quiet and broken. "I know you did what you could. Maga-Z gave his life to protect me, and for that he shall be remembered." He looks down to the hamster, then to Hiro. "I am aware we are in a hurry, but do you mind if I bury him? You can go ahead. I will find you."

Hiro gives him a sad smile. "Of course. And if you see Sonia, bring her along."

"Though, maybe see Mikan first?" Chiaki suggests. "You're very hurt."

Gundham simply nods before heading off.

The others watch him go for a moment before Peko breaks the silence.

"I will bring this one back to my dorm where she will cause no harm. At least until we figure out what to do with her."

"Yeah, that sounds like a plan." Hiro agrees. "Just be careful, alright?"

Peko smiles at him and nods. "I will, do not worry." And with those final words she picks up Mukuri and walks off as well.

Theres another silence, no one knowing what to say, until it's broken again. This time by Hiro.

"So...where exactly would Hajime be kept?"

A/N: So uh...I'm sorry? 😅 Dont worry I hate myself for this lol. But now you know shit's getting real! So in the next post is really when my lack of DR 3 knowledge will shine lol.

Also in case it wasnt clear, I dont want too many characters to know about Junko's plan, cause then the tension is kinda gone.

But yeah! Hope you guys are enjoying it so far! ^_^

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mayflowers07 · 5 years ago

Text

Moceit/found family Superfamily AU

(Tw: mention of panic attacks, depression, anxiety, death, kidnapping, human trafficking. Nothing is shown in huge detail at all but be warned)

Also this is a long plot so bare with me:

Okay so Janus Trần was a 20 year old law student by day, world famous super hero named Deceit by night

His power was that Janus had the ability to mind control people if they looked him in the eyes

And while Janus had always used his powers for good, most people (especially the media) still feared Deceit for what he could potentially do

But that was fine, right? I mean he didn’t really have any friends as Janus and as Deceit the world hated him, but he worked better alone! He was definitely not suffering from crippling loneliness... definitely not...

Everything changed when, while stopping a back robbery, another hero named Morality thought Deceit was the one robbing the bank and tried to fight him

And even when after the mixup was cleared up, Janus was still pissed

Except staying mad at Morality was kind of hard. Because instead of trying to justify himself, Morality told him he was really really sorry and insisted on taking Deceit out for lunch to make up for it

During lunch Janus learned a couple of things:

1) Morality had no concept of keeping secrets. He revealed that his real name was Patton Saleh, he was 22, he had two moms and worked at their bakery, and his powers were to manipulate the weather around him based on his emotions

2) Patton was one stubborn SOB. He payed for the meal (despite Janus’ arguing), he gave Janus his number and started texting him later that night, and decided that they were going to be friends, whether Janus liked it or not

3) Janus was already falling in love with this human ball of sunshine... well shit

The two began hanging out as heroes almost daily (Janus swore that he was annoyed by this) and even began teaming up together to fight together

And that actually worked out really well! They both had way better success rates when they fought together, and Janus really felt happier then ever now that he finally had a friend

The issue was that Janus still didn’t want to give up any of his secrets. About a year after they first met (a year of keeping his growing and growing crush on Patton hidden) and Patton still didn’t know Deceit’s real name, age, occupation, or literally anything

This caused a wedge between the two of them that eventually turned into a huge argument. This ended with Patton screaming that he refused to give his heart to someone who won’t give anything back in return and storming off

The two didnt talk for months and the depression and loneliness hit Janus way harder then ever. He even considered not being a hero anymore because of it

Then one day he saw on the news that Morality got hurt in a battle. Badly hurt. And it was a fight that the two of them could have easily won together but because he was alone, Patton was hurt. Because of him, Patton was hurt

Janus booked it over to the Storytellers’ headquarters (Thomas had the ability to heal wounds and acted as the superhero medical assistance for anyone who needed it)

Storyteller explained that Patton would be fine but he would probably be unconscious for a while and that Janus could sit by his bed to wait

While there, seeing the love of his life so pale and lifeless, Janus broke down and told Patton everything. He confessed his name and his whole backstory- how his parents kicked him out when he was 16 because of his powers. He confessed that he had been scared of opening up ever since then and getting hurt again. And he confessed that he loved Patton so so much, even though he didn’t feel worthy to love someone as wonderful as Patton

Three days later, Patton woke up. And the first thing he did is ask for Janus; not Deceit though, he asked for Janus. Meaning Patton had heard everything while he was out. Once Storyteller gave him the all clear to go into his room, Patton immediately pulled Janus in for a kiss and said that he’d been in love with Janus since that first lunch

Janus wasn’t crying. He was not sobbing hysterically and holding Patton’s hand like a lifeline thank you very much.

Once Patton got back on his feet, the two started dating for real. And sure, they still occasionally fought about Patton not putting himself first or Janus hiding things, but they worked through these things each and every time

Half a year later and the two moved in together

And a year after that and they finally got married

Fast forward to when Janus was 31 and Patton was 33. Patton owned his own restaurant, Janus was a very successful lawyer, and the hero thing was going great

One day while Janus was in court, Morality was patrolling the city when he noticed a figure in black hood and mask graffitiing a building. He went to stop the person but as soon as he touched them, he started having vivid, graphic hallucinations of his worst nightmares until he collapsed on the ground screaming and crying

Eventually Janus got a call saying what happened, and he rushed downtown to pick up his husband and take him home

The hallucinations didn’t end until twelve hours later and the first thing Patton said when he was able to speak was that they needed to find the person who did that to him. But not to get revenge like Janus thought, but to help them

Janus tried to appeal to his husband but Patton was deadset that before the person lashed out, he saw their eyes and they looked like a scared child that needs help rather then a villain

After a week of searching the duo tracked down the kid and found him robbing a 7/11. The kid was hesitant to explain anything, but he didn’t attack them. Before he ran away though, he told them to call him Anxiety and that he was sorry he hurt Morality. Patton considered the interaction a win

Over the course of a year, they continued to reach out to Anxiety. They bought him food whenever they saw him, got him warmer clothes in the winter, they even invited him to sleep over at their house when he got sick or too tired to go home. But he still refused to give his name or take off his mask, even when Janus or Patton trusted him enough to reveal theirs

And Janus found himself getting attached to this sarcastic, introverted little kid. He taught Anxiety to better control his powers (turned out that that first day with Patton was an accident because Anxiety was stressed out) and how to defend himself without powers

The breaking point was reached when one day, Anxiety came to them in the middle of a panic attack. They calmed him down enough for him to explain that, when he was eight his powers manifested, and his mom started abusing him and calling him a monster- and now she has been threatening to kill him

Janus and Patton felt their hearts’ break for their kid so they promised they wouldn’t let him go back to her. Finally Anxiety took off his mask and told them his name was Virgil Brown and he was 15 years old

Thanks to Janus’ lawyer skills, getting Virgil’s mom thrown in jail and obtaining custody of Virgil was easy (when they asked Virgil if he wanted to live with them, he started crying because no one had ever made him feel as safe as Patton and Janus had)

The family got Virgil a therapist and continued to help him with his powers and everyone was content with their perfect little family

Until one day two years later Janus got intel that a local gang was transporting a dangerous weapon to a new location and him and Patton went to intercept the gang before they could

The bust went well but when they went to break down the door of the transport van, they were shocked to find not a weapon, but a seven year old kid chained up and giving off waves of electric energy

Patton flashed Janus the puppy dog eyes so of course they took the kid home with them. The kid was scared out of his mind but with some gentle coaxing from Patton, he told them his name was Roman, he was actually ten but he had been starved his whole life so he was quite small, and when he was five his mom, dad, and twin brother were killed and he was kidnapped to be used as an energy source

Janus and Patton already mentally signed the adoption papers in their heads at this point. And Virgil saw this scared child and saw his past self in him so of course Virgil immediately decided he would die for his new brother

They slowly worked to get Roman back to a physically healthy point and to open up about what happened to him while he was kidnapped, and it turned out that Roman was actually a very talkative, excitable kid when he was not fearing for his life

And each detail Roman gave about how he was beaten and locked away just cemented the fact that Janus and Patton were going to give this kid the childhood he deserved

Life had been going well. Virgil graduated high school and started both med-school and going out on patrol with his dads on occasion, and Roman thrived in school as one of the most popular kids

Of course that was not the end of the story because their lives have never been that simple

Fellow hero Mindmeld died in a building collapse and in his will, he asked someone to go to his apartment and get all his affairs in order

Janus decided he would and lawyers up to go over to the given address. And when he got there, he immediately freaked the fuck out because why was there a kid in the apartment?

Turned out Mindmeld had a four year old son named Logan whose mother died years ago and who was now an orphan with no other relatives. A four year old who also had his late father’s telekinetic abilities that made his toys fly around the air and attack Janus when he tried to pick Logan up

You get the picture by now, of course they adopted Logan

And at first Logan was super uncomfortable and closed off to these strangers and kept asking for his dad

But then one night he had a nightmare and when Patton and Janus came to help him, he sleepily called the duo Dad and Papa and they knew they were making progress

Roman and Virgil were both kind of jealous of Logan at first because to them it looked like he was the favourite of the family as the baby, but Logan was such a curious, sweet little kid that no one could really be mad at him for very long

So Patton and Janus had three kids. Three super powered, traumatized kids.

Except that number soon went up to four. One of the members of the gang that had kidnapped Roman- who was now twelve- confessed from prison that they had never actually killed Roman’s brother

Instead they had sold Remus across the country to a supervillain organization that dealt in trading superpowered kids. Apparently Remus had the ability to manipulate soundwaves

So the parents left Virgil in charge and hauled ass to this organization.

Through some potentially illegal interrogation techniques, they managed to find out which warehouse Remus had been kept in this whole time

They found Remus- who had been locked away in a soundproof cell alone for years- and Remus immediately freaked out and lashed out with his powers when they freed him

The sound wave he released knocked down the buildings around him and ended up temporarily deafening Janus and Patton

Remus started freaking out because he thought they were going to hurt him but both of them were only concerned with this poor, scared kid’s safety

Patton told Remus that they had Roman in safety and immediately Remus calmed down and started sobbing and begging to see his brother

They brought Remus home with them and as soon as the brothers saw each other, they were both hysterical. They refused to even let go of each other for a whole week

Remus took even longer then his brother to adjust. He outright avoided being around anyone in the family other then Roman

Finally Remus confessed that he felt horribly guilty about what he did to his new dads and that he was scared he’d hurt someone again

But then Virgil sat down with his new brother and talked to him about the first time he met Patton and how he hurt him too. He tells him about how he knows what it feels like to think that no one could ever love you unconditional, but assures that with Janus and Patton it’s possible. They all have a group hug afterwards, and Remus soon blossomed around his family

And that where the story ends off: a long, long way away from the silently suffering Janus from the beginning who kept to himself, because he thought that no one would ever love him for who he really was.

Because sometimes a family is

a nine year old kid genius who skipped two grades and is in the habit of recreating the Matilda scene for fun

two sixteen year old twin boys that are known citywide as Deceit’s former sidekicks turned solo heroes named Lightning and Thunder

a twenty-four year old nightmare bender who now mentors under Storyteller as the newest superhero healer

and two forty/forty-two year old retired heroes that love their kids and each other to the ends of the Earth and back

#may writes #sanders sides #thomas sanders #ts sides #janus sanders #patton sanders #virgil sanders #roman sanders #logan sanders #remus sanders #ts family #ts character thomas #character thomas #moceit

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kyovtani · 4 years ago

Text

ASKS

hey babies! i’ve decided to answer the asks about back to life one and two like this because ive received so so so many and you guys blew me away so answering every single one of them is the least i can do to show you guys just how grateful i am. thank you so much for giving both parts SO much love, i love and appreciate you guys and the support you’re constantly sending my way with my whole entire heart <33

BYE THE FIC IS SO GOOD SO FAR. MY ANXIETY THO FROM THE ENDING, LIKE PLS KYO REALIZE THE MCS ANXIETY PLS DONT GO OUT WITH SORA PLEASE PLEASE HE SEEN HOW SHE DIDNT LOOK OKAY WHEN HE CAME IN PLEASE REALIZE HER ANXIETY PLEASE

– THANK YOU SO SO MUCH BABY !! this was the very first ask about back to life and it’s honestly the cutest thing ever! I hc Kyoutani to be rally understanding of things like anxiety and depression, generally mental health so that’s why it was easy for him to understand the reader’s situation and mindset!

BACK TO LIFE!!!!!!!! MY HEART!!!!!?! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SO GOOD!!!!! i was really excited when you started posting about it!! i can't wait for part 2, i wanna know how they fix this!

AAAH !! thank you so much for the love and support baby!!!! I really hope you enjoyed part 2 just as much, sending you lots of smooches MWAH

OH MY GOD THE KYO FIC IS AMAZING

THANK YOU SO MUCH BABY !!!!!

OH MY GOD YOUR KYOUTANI FIC HAS ME ACTUALLY FROTHING I LOVE IT SM

IM NOT KIDDING WHEN I SAY THAT MY JAW ACTUALLY DROPPED AT THE LAST COUPLE PARAGRAPHS AS WELL I CANT WAIT FOR PART 2

AAAH YOU GUYS !!! this made me so happy !!! thank you so much and I hope part two met your expectations and you enjoyed the ending MWAH!!

HOLY FUCK THAT KYOUTANI FIC WHEW IT WAS SO SO GOOD IM SO EXCITED FOR PART 2

thank you for the food <33

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE LOVE AND SUPPORT BABY !!!

YOUR KYOTANI FIC AHHHHHHH my heart can’t handle this

I AM SO GLAD YOU ENJOYED IT BABY !!!

OW THE END ON BACK TO LIFE HURTED THOUGH GDFGHJDFHJRY

Was overwhelmed by the hurty that I forgot to say how much I ADORE your characterization of Kyoutani. fdjkhgjkgdr

THANK YOU SO MUCH !! honestly- that means the world to me, probably the best compliment you can give me :((

Back to life was so good OMG 😳😳 HELLO??? You're amazing

Thank you so much, my love! it honestly is everything to me when you guys tell me such sweet things I love you so much MWAH!!

the new fic did not help me with my insecurities now i’m just frustrated and insecure. great writing tho.

honestly- same. when I wrote this, I lit indulgent every bit of my mind working into this fic and thats why it means so much to me ?? so youre not alone, my love; but thank you so much <33

The way I panicked at the end of the fic thinking there wasn’t gonna be more to it, holy shi that fox was so good I almost cried thinking they were just gonna end things like that 🥺🥺🥺🥺

I’d NEVER end a fic like that- I hate bad endings and cannot stand cliffhangers but the formatting didn't give me another choice im sorry for the heart attack baby kfhflashsj but am glad you liked it!

@au-roraaa said: ZADE I WAS NEVER A KYO FUCKER BUT I THINK YOUVE CONVERTED ME HOLY FUCKSJFJSJDJSN

THIS IS MY JOB AT THIS POINT I WANT YOU ALL TO TURN INTO KYOU FUCKERS KSSSOH

UR THE BEST WRITER WTF?? WHEN DO U THINK PART TWO WOULD BE UP... and does kyoutani flirt with sora 😣💔

YOU GUYS- NOOO- pls my heart made a loop :(( I love you so much :(( thank you baby and I think now you know what he does with sora MWAH

@kawakuto said: hi hi zade!🤩 (ajdjs idk if you remember me but i moved main blogs and I was @/gukooky before LOL) THE KYOUTANI FIC ANDJWNS I DIDNT EXPECT THE END WAHHHH🥺🥺 it was so well written omg I loved it!! (wtf kyoutani, you said we were going slow what if I wasn’t ready to call u my boyfriend wtffff😔😔 pain.)

AAAAH OFC I DO REMMEBER !! hope youre doing well baby !!! and thank you SO much for your sweet words, I honestly appreciate them so much :((<33

pls I’m in love with your writing. You write kyoutani so well so now I’ll always be grabbing at any crumbs you send my way 🥵

thank you so so so much baby!!!! these kinda words always hit me right at the heart, I appreciate them so much and I love you sm much

bb i love ur kyoutani fic sm :(( ur rlly so talented <33 i look forward to pt 2 ^3^

thank you so much baby, sending a smooch your way mwah

zade that kyoutani piece im in so much pain why would u do this to me 💔💔💔💔

believe me when I say It hurt me even more than you </3

I just finished reading part 2 and it waS SO GOODAJSFHJLFG you did amazing!! (n˘v˘•)¬

THANK YOU SO MUCH BABY !!!

Hi! New nonnie coming through :) First time I'm writing something because I'm such a nervous wreck but I just had to

THE FIC WAS SO GOOD THE VIBES ARE CHEFS KISS. IT WAS SO GOOD I LITERALLY DROOLED I CAN NOT GET OVER IT !

Mister kyotani pls rail me thanks 🐱

THANK YOU AAAH YOURE SO CUTE !!! I truly appreciate this with my whole entire heart so thank you so much baby, hope you have a good one mwah

Wait did he do anything with Sora?

nope!! they just went to the party together but in my mind he didn’t even hug her and she didn’t try anything else, too, simply bc she knew how in love he is with reader!!

YOUR MINDDDDD!! THE KYOU FIC WAS SOOOO GOOOD!! Omg i hope you do a part 3 😭😭

i have a Little sequel which is really really soft but I'd love to write some more for it!

@soranihimawari said: Part 1 & 2 with kyoutani was amazing as always Zade! I really liked the ending. This was such a fun read. I was wondering who’s else would be sharing the apartment with Kyoutani. What made you choose tattoo artist Iwa & Oikawa? Those two made me chuckle with the way they came in like that. Hope you have a great day/evening/late night/etc.

✌🏼&💜

—sora—

aaah thank you so so much, baby!! I truly appreciate your sweet words, youre the cutest! regarding your question: You shares an apartment with Iwa, Oikawa and Yahaba (who also works at the tattoo studio!) and i don't know to be really honest- I just like the thought of these three being really good friends so after contemplating whether or not to go with iwaoi or matsuhana, I ended up going with those two dorks! hope you have a good one baby mwah!!

@sakusapetals said: PLEASEE I LOVE YOUR WRITING SO MUCH

AAAH THANK YOU SO SO MUCH BABY !!! I LOVE YOU SM

How long did it take you to write the entire two parts? Like wow that’s alot👁👄👁 i adore long fics though

oooh- hm ?? tbh i don't really know ?? I can’t remember ?? I think it took me about a month or like three weeks since I did write it all in one go yk? it was the only WIP I worked on during that time and it felt SO relieving to publish it!

AAAHHH the kyou fic was a masterpiece bb!!! ❤️❤️

thank you so so so much baby!!<33

U LITERLALT WRIYE KYOU THE BEST ABSOLUTE BEST. he’s so aggressive and demanding but he still is willing to show someone special his vulnerability. I LOVE READING STUFF ABOUT HIM FROM U

AAAAH thank you so much- you guys have no idea how much these kinda comments mean to me- I love you so MUCH MWAH

I just read the first part of "back to life" an it had me speechless so many times, almost cried at the end, it's honestly so well written. I'm off to read part two. Have a nice day 🐰

sdoalfsla thank you so much baby! I hope you enjoyed both parts equally as much and thank you for all the love mwah!!<3

Hana is a baddie

SHE IS!! she’s literally the baddest bitch to ever exist ft. saeko ofc but nobody acknowledges it </3

@tonhwa said: I’m in love with the way you write kyoutani pls. Even your previous fics on your old account ( if you don’t mind me mentioning it ) are so fucking amazing. GOSH YOU CHARACTERIZE HIM SO WELL AND THE PLOT IS ALWAYS SO JUICY AND INTERESTING I CANT HELP BUT GO BACK AND READ IT. and then you release this fucking wonderful piece and I feel like it’s my birthday even though it’s already passed LOL ty ily have a wonderful day I’m sobbing tears of happiness

YOU GUYS PLEASE- the fact this made me tear up when I first read it- thank you SO much honestly. knowing you guys enjoy my characterization of my favorite character is honestly everything to me so thank you sm I love you baby have a good one!!<3

I’ve been on this app from high school, and now I’m a college grad. I have to say I’ve never sent a message to anyone I’ve followed. But that tattoo artist! Kyou fic, part 1 and 2 are 😩💕 *chefs kiss* you are one of my favorite writers I’ve ever followed since joining this app. You NEVER disappoint!

-💕 a very satisfied reader

thank you so much baby!! aaah this is honestly so so sweet :(( thank you for taking the time out of your day to send me such a sweet thing, I appreciate it and you so much mwah!!

i gotta say babe THANK YOU FOR THE KYOTANI CONTENT!! muAAAAHH💞💞

NOO THANK YOU GUYS FOR GIVING IT SO MUCH LOVE MWAH!!!

i love kyoutani and he obvs deserves his dick sucked 🤧🤧 but i catch him posting up with other girls I DONT CARE THE SITUATION he gonna catch these hands for a real one 👊🏼👆🏼🤜🏼🥊🥊 kidding 😐😐😐 he’d body me

pls the way this had me chuckling like crazy bc same sajlskjpw he can get mad all he want but he better stay his pretty ass where he is- by my side 😌

#💌.zade's mass response

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swampgallows · 4 years ago

Text

i was writin it in the tags before i maxed em out but it had me thinking about how much more shit i did in college because i actually had access to shit. for one, there was a viable public transit system there. there was a bus stop literally outside my dorm, and i used to take the bus all kinds of places and just walk around the city and shit. i did tons of things i previously would not have accessible to me because i didnt drive. back when disney passes were cheap as fuck i had days where id swing by disneyland after class just to hop on a ride or two and then go home. i went to parks, beaches, the aquarium, the movies, clubs, raves, morris dancing, restaurants, the mall, and all kinds of shit on my own because i could actually physically fucking get there. the only real challenge a lot of the time was if i bought anything to get it home (i remember walking half a mile with a full length mirror back to my dorm because i kept missing the bus). but the point is that i DID SHIT. i wasnt constantly being micromanaged by people in my environment about what food i bought or what i ate, where i went and when, etc. and i had the resources to actually go fucking do things.

it all came crashing down, i think, when i got into that series of bad relationships. i dont think i was aware of it at the time, but that was about the time that things were ramping up toward something great and then i was betrayed by people close to me and continuously shot down. i didnt know how to process those toxic relationships, and part of me still doesn’t. almost ten years later im still trying to recover from the damage of them. yes, it was the same time that i was having heightened anxiety and the worst period of panic attacks in my life, which were and are awful and shitty, but i also had very understanding and supportive friends who were there for me during that time. it would be no different than if i got very sick and had friends who took care of me. i was having a human experience and because i had a good support network, i was able to cope.

so like. of course i got depressed when my boyfriend would hate-fuck me and embarrass me on purpose in public or in front of his friends. of course i felt too scared and sad to go to class when i was constantly being told my art wasn’t good enough and was a waste of time and “useless to society”. of course i hid in my room playing video games with rude assholes because at least they couldnt touch me. of course i didnt want to open up to people when they told me it was “fascinating the way your mind mistreats you”.

of course i got suicidal when i got zero weekend days off for three straight years. not even easter sunday, even though greek easter usually falls on a completely separate sunday. of course i didnt want to live anymore when i couldnt see or be with my friends or express myself naturally. of course i would be depressed about waking up at 7am every day to stand in a cold room alone for 8 hours and not even be paid enough to live.

friends and family and past teachers on facebook can encourage me to go on medication, but for what? will a SSRI pay me a living wage? is celexa going to make men treat me better? will prozac install a public transit system in my area, or help me move to a place where a better one already exists? xanax didnt sit in the car with me to teach me to drive and offer support, but it did help me recuperate from the dozens of screaming crying fits and panic attacks i had while orchestrating my own exposure therapy. it took years for me to get acclimated to just sitting in the driver’s seat of my car while it was off without having a complete meltdown and slamming it full speed into the garage to kill myself. because i am still so mad that i learned so late, that nobody gave a shit about me enough to teach me, that i had to shell out hundreds if not thousands of dollars on lessons with complete strangers to learn this skill that has become mandatory for survival in the place i live. i had to use money to replace the love and support normally given by family or my community.

i am trying to condition myself to see my car as an emblem of freedom, but it feels like a cage. it costs so much money, it is so scary and exhausting to operate it, and everything in this world and society is forcing me to use it. and honestly it feels like, because i have it, i have run out of “excuses” for not being employed. that if i have a car, i should be able to go to any job whatsoever and sit in my car in traffic for four hours a day like every other average person in l.a. even at the trader joes i interviewed at THREE TIMES before they eventually didnt bring me on, i would have to drive anywhere from 30-45 minutes to work every fucking day just to work at a fucking grocery store. i know people see those numbers and go ‘psh that’s nothing! my commute is so much longer!’ and that just feels like hustle propaganda. like why are you proud that you have to sit in your car in fucking traffic every day to do a job that you probably could (and now probably do) work at from home?

the shitty case worker i had, tonya, could not offer a suggestion to me when i brougth this up to her. how is medication going to make me more employable? how am i not supposed to blow my brains out when my life is going to be sitting in a car that i struggle to operate to go to a job that doesnt pay me enough to live and then doing that forever until i die? why dont i skip all that and just die right now? why live through that? all she could say was “well, that’s just how it is.”

The much more obvious answer is that mental disorders, while influenced by genetic factors, are largely caused by trauma and context, and that oppressed groups of people experience way more trauma under capitalism, and are way less able to navigate the context of American society because it was built without them in mind, and in many cases to intentionally harm them.

this is why im going to be mentally ill forever, man. because i can’t fucking adapt to a society that doesn’t care about me. why would i do that? is it not inherently harmful and mentally ill to perpetuate an unhealthy environment? why belong to a society if we don’t care about the people in it? who is society for? if these circumstances were due to a partner, they’d tell me to leave them. if these circumstances were due to my living situation with my family or roommates, they’d tell me to move out. so must i leave society? do i have to live off the grid? do i have to hunt game and skin animals for fur and build my own shelter? even if i wanted to, like many natural peoples, capitalism is taking those things away too. look at first nations and indigenous people. look at the multitudes of the people experiencing homelessness and mental illness simultaneously.

it is all so obvious when you’re on the outside. no one expects, or wants, people like me to survive. the whole point is that we do not belong to society. the whole point is that capitalism wants me dead. my suicidality means capitalism is working as intended.

#blathering

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angelfire115 · 5 years ago

Text

The deal that will last for eternity

"Are you sure you want this my dear?"

"Yeah.... I'm sure"

Angel stood with Alastor in his room, his body slightly shaking as he did. Alastor however, was completely composed. He had his award winning smile, plastered on his face with glee. He did however, feel bad for the poor spider who had witnessed such a tragic thing over a week ago. Angel recalled it like a terrible nightmare come too life. Seeing his family all bloodied and dead on the floor. His twin sister, Molly, dead in his arms, covered in her blood. His brother, Arackniss, barely being able to talk, telling him to run and then breathing his last breath as his body went limp. He didn't run but he somehow survived.

The thought of it alone made Angel lose all sense of rhyme or reason, he'd fall into seizures and panic attack so often, it was almost cruel to keep him alive. Alastor knew of this, so much more detailed then anyone could believe. He didnt want to see his love like this but he had no idea how to comfort him in any way since he's never fell in love before. Even if Angel didn't know he was in love or even if he didn't feel the same way, it didn't matter, if there was anyway he could help his pain, he would do anything.

And he was excited to know he could since Angel had asked for a deal. A deal to have his memory removed or blocked of the event or at least changed to something more manageable where he didn't feel the most immense amount of pain from just thinking about it. Alastor so badly wanted to comfort him since he shook so bad he looked like he could collapse but business was first. Alastor: "So you want your memories removed or altered so you can stop this pain?". Angel nodded slowly, he was tired, he looked tired, it needed to be over soon or he might collapse and break down in another fit once more. Alastor knew this but he had to make sure Angel was okay with this. To alter his memory or to completely forget his families death was not exactly ideal. In the real world, he would get help and medicine for his mental condition but this was hell, nothing like that existed here. This was a close substitute though.

Alastor was thrilled as well, to make a deal with him meant he was to own Angel dust and his entirety, a bond so strong, it persists even after they both suddenly stop existing. Like its the last and only piece which they do exist, together forever. He maybe calm on the outside but his insides burned with passion. He couldn't wait but he was a patient person and patients was key. Angel dust: "I know its stupid but what choice do I have, I can't... I can't live like this forever".

Angel flopped down on his bed, holding his head in his hands, almost about to cry. Alastor sat beside him. He reached out to comfort him but retracted, not knowing how he would react to it. Angel wiped away the tears that started to form and sighed, breathing slowly to settle himself. Angel dust: "I need to go through with this, its the only way". Alastor hummed in response, his insides screaming since he sat next to him, on his bed. Angel dust: "Hey Al... Will it hurt? The deal? What will happen to me?". Alastor opened his eyes to stare at the floor in thought. Alastor: "It doesn't hurt, it will slowly take affect and our agreement will be fulfilled however, a part of you will become a part of me. So simply saying, you give me something in return for the deal, as an equal exchange. At times, I can summon you anywhere if I need help with a battle or something else important that requires your skills or I could use your power for my own use at time but that won't affect you in anyway, you'll just be aware that I'm using it and nothing more. Of course, I don't intend on using you for battle or anything like that unless completely necessary, you can live for the rest of your life as you used too, you won't be affected by anything at all, I promise you that".

It was quite informative and Angel was quite surprised over this but it did seem alright for him. It also seemed fair, he was asking for a lot so he had to give a lot in return. With another deep breath, he stood up, shaking a lot less then before to his and Alastors relief. Angel dust: "Alright, I will agree to your deal, smiles". Angel tried to be witty like he use too which sort of worked. Alastor however, his heart almost burst from his chest. He said yes, yes for him to be apart of him, to have a bond stronger then marriage. He couldn't help but shine with excitement.

He hopped up and held out his hand, his hand slightly glowing green. Alastor: "So, its a deal then?". The energy emmiting from his hand burst, making a sort of mini tornado as strong winds and force flowed out. Fat nuggets squealed, disturbed by everything happening so he ran under the bed for protection. Alastor could have toned down the amount of energy flowing out but he was too excited to hold back. Angel was hesitant at first but closed his eyes and reached for his hand. When he finally grabbed it, the green light shot another shine then disappeared completely. Angel opened his eyes back as the light was gone and looked around surprised. Angel dust: "Huh, that was easy, didn't think it would be". Still holding his hand, Alastor looked a bit disappointed. Sure he made the deal he wanted but it still felt anticlimatic. What could he possibly do to make sure this went all smoothly and right for him?

Angel dust wasn't bothered or at least didn't realize his hand was still being held by Alastor. Angel dust: "So uh, when's this magic thing gonna wo-". Angel was suddenly pulled in by Al into a kiss. Before he could do anything else or fight back, Alastor moved closer and held the back of his head so he couldn't break free. Angel didn't know what to do, even with his 6 arms, there was no way he could break free. When Alastor finally let go, he moved his hand to Angels waist to keep him close, he wasn't done yet. He interlocked his fingers with Angels with the hands he and Angel used for the hand shake. Their hands now sat inbetween them, burning inbetween their warm bodies.

Angels face burned like a wild fire on his face, he could barely comprehend what just happened. Alastor stared right into his eyes, not looking away even for a second. The gentle lowered eye look sent a shiver throughout Angels body, his hair standing on end. Angel dust: "W-what w-w-w-was that f-for?". Angel was shaking again, but not from anxiety and depression, no, from his beating and flushed cheeks and confused and spinning mind. Alastor: "Well, I thought the hand shake was too anticlimactic so I made it more exciting. Angel, the deal you agreed to has more meaning then just me summoning you and such, it created a powerful bond, a part of you is now a part of me and a part of me is now a part of you. This bond is even stronger then marriage, it will last even if both of us die in hell, our souls intertwined with each other will never break apart".

Alastor moved his hand from Angels waist to his cheek, cupping it while also stroking his plushy and soft skin. He leaned closer, squeezing his hand that was between them both, while placing his forehead on his. Alastor: "You, Angel dust, are finally mine".

Fic inspired by

@stagtic

And

@multicoloredhorses-andfriends

Rp they did together

#hazbin hotel #radiodust #radiodust fic #fanfic #oof #The deal that will last for eternity #vivziepop #Angel dust #Alastor #ship #Angel dust x Alastor #I love this ship #its kind of depressing but eh #who doesn't like angst #if Im using that word correctly

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kaazzzyy · 5 years ago

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Kengan Omega One shot series : Introduction

Hi, everyone !

Sooo, I thought about writing some Kengan Omega stuff and finally came with an idea : making connected one shots with a female reader as she interacts with Kengan’s characters. All one-shots will be posted according into chronogical order and occurs during Omega. I hope you will enjoy them !

(Reader’s name is not defined so you can call her by any name you like. However, her gender and appearence are fixed by myself ! )

Nervousness and anxiety. And maybe a little bit of determination...

That's all what's running through her at this very moment.

Her tiny form is standing in front of the not-so-impresive building she was searching for : The Yamashita Trading Co. Her watering eyes looked down to the paper in her shaking hand.

'There is no mistake... That's the right adress. C-come on (Y/n), the first step is the hardest !', she tought, trying to store some courage before coming in.

Her stress rate made a sudden jump the moment she pushed the door open. nobody was here. She let out a sigh of relief. She examined her surrounding quickly to finally head for the only interesting thing in the ground floor : the stairs.

'Okay... He must be upstairs... Let's go... !'

Climbing the stairs, she immediatly noticed something. Her hands weren't the only things shaking now; her legs started to give her up too. She mentally cursed herself for being such a nervous mess. Her thoughts were suddenly interrupted by the fading sound of voices coming from upstairs. She stopped for a second, then resumed in making her way upstairs. She was sweating so much, she felt like she was climbing a mountain actually .

She is now standing just before the door where the voices are coming from. She reajusted her red tie, the collar of her white shirt covered by her black three piece suit, to finally tighten the red hair elastic holding up her high ponytail. Then, she knocked on the door.

The voices suddenly stopped. She swallowed. Hard.

She opened the door, nevertheless. Way slower than she would have wanted to.

Three pairs of curious and surprised eyes were instantly on her. She made her best to introduce herself without stuttering.

"H-hi ! I'm (Y/n) (L/n) ! I was told to come and see Mister Yamashita today. Is he here ?"

She failed.

A short uncomfortable silence followed before the second woman in the room spoke up, very politely.

"(Y/n) (L/n) ? He told me about you coming. Mister Yamashita isn't here for the moment. He had an urgent meeting, sorry."

'Hum... Maybe it's my chance to come later so I won't have to stand before so much people but Mister Yamashita...'

(Y/n) tried to ignore the two males looking at her and only focused her attention to the blonde woman.

"Owh, I see ! Hum... So... I will come again later then ? Is it okay ?", she nervously smiled. - "From what he said me you want to join the Kengan Association as a new CEO. I just started telling these young men everything about the Kengan Association and the way it works. Are you interested in joining us in ?", proposed the woman as she reajusted her glasses.

The proposal surprised her but she managed to answer quickly, thanks to her nervousness.

"Y-yeah ! Of course ! Thanks for having me.", she thanked as she closed the door and searched for a chair to sit on. They were no chairs in the room, exept from the ones where the two guys are sitting. Hopefully, she noticed a couch beside the blonde one and took a sit. She did her best to not die from embarassment when she caught the blondie looking at her from aside. She acted like she didnt notice and looked down at her sweating hands.

She finally looked up when the woman started speaking again.

"I'm Akiyama Kaede, Yamashita Trading Co.'s secretary. And these two are Narushima Koga, an apprentice fighter and Gaoh Ryuki, an official fighter. They are both new to the association."

(Y/n) looked at both males and nodded at them with a nervous smile.

"N-Nice to meet you both...!"

Koga nodded at her back while Ryuki answered her, indifferent. "Nice to meet you."

'What a warm welcome...', she tought ironically.

Kaede resumed her speech about the Kengan Association. (Y/n) (L/n) knew some of the things said but she also learned a lot about it. Then came the most interesting part for her : the one about fights and fighters.

'I see... So all the fighters must have been registered with Yamashita Trading Co. to be able to fight in Kengan matches...', she thought deeply, almost not noticing the two other males entering the room suddenly. They greeted Kaede in a very friendly and warm way which made Koga obviously angry as (Y/n) conclued they must have known each other for a long time.

"Allow me to introduce you Himuro Ryo and Kaneda Suekichi. They are both active fighters." - "Pleased to meet you. My name is Kaneda, as she just said.", repeated the closed-eyed smile guy, happily. - "Himuro as a perfect 21 win record in the Kengan matches, and Kaneda is a veteran with 12 matches under his belt."

(Y/n) was looking at them in owe, then focusing on Kaneda. 'So that's how active fighters look like... That one seems pretty fragile tought...'

"Kaede, do you mind if I start now ?", asked Himuro. - "Of course ! Go right ahead !" - "So, like Kaede just said we are both fighters. We are employed by Ginokuniya Bookstore.", he started before turning his attention on Ryuki and smiled, "So, Gaoh, was it ? We saw your match yesterday. You beat Kokuro in your debut match... That's pretty impressive." - "Tch. Condescending ass.", commented Koga.

(Y/n)'s eyes widened as she saw Koga being punched hardly in the face by the white-haired man. She didnt even have the time to process what happened that Ryuki kicked his desk and then threw his chair at him. Himuro dodged the desk, deflected the chair with his arm and finally blocked Ryuki upcoming attack with one hand as his other one was under the boy's chin, menacingly.

"Wait, for real ? He adapted to "that move's blind spot"...!", exclaimed Koga, dumbfounded.

'What is he talking about ? I couldn't see anything ! That was happening so fast !', the girl thought, breathless. If only she knew that Himuro's next question would have made her even more shaken up. She wasn't prepared for what was coming next.

"What did you move to kill Kokuro after the match was over ?", asked Himuro angrily, "Choose your words carefully, 'cause I can still kill you from this distance."

'K-KILL ?!', yelled (Y/n) in her head as she suddenly stood up in surprise.

"You are right, I would have ended up killing Kokuro if Mister Yamashita hadn't stopped me. I just forgot that it was just a "match"... I've only fought in fights to death up until now.", explained Ryuki like it was nothing.

Koga and (Y/n) let escape a sound of surprise as Ryuki continued, "But if you can't kill people in Kengan matches, then I will follow that rule."

Himuro thought for a second before letting go of Ryuki. "It seems like you are not lying."

He then sat down as he explained the reason he was here. Apparently Yamashita asked him and Kaneda to be in charge of their "education". (Y/n) managed to calm down a bit since.

"From this day forth, I'm going to be your mentor. I'm going to make you two into first-rate fighters." - "No, I'm good.", instantly refused Ryuki which made everyone sweatdrop while (Y/n) cracked a smile. The way he said that was way too funny for her.

Now that the situation finally calmed down, Kaneda proposed to Koga to follow him while Himuro did the same with Ryuki. Koga seemed distrusful at first but accepted anyway. On the other hand, Ryuki just walked after Himuro silently.

(Y/n) was now left alone with Kaede. Being alone with her made her way less nervous than she was earlier so she dared to spoke up for once.

"It was the first time I faced such a situation. I think I will have to work about that.", she joked with a small giggle.

Kaede smiled at her. "Indeed ! But don't worry, it's usually way calmer around here." - "I hope so !", she laughed before continuing, "So, do you have any idea when Mister Yamashita will be back ?" - "I have no idea for the moment, i'm sorry. Maybe you can give me your number so I can tell you when he's avaible." - "Oh yeah ! Here's my number..."

Kaede wrote the girl's number on a piece of paper before thanking her and apologizing for the CEO's absence.

"It's okay, don't worry ! He's a CEO so he must be very busy, I can understand that.", she smiled brightly before walking up to the door, "Thanks for all the informations you gave us earlier, it was very interesting. I hope I will get to see you soon. Have a nice day !"

(Y/n) waved at Kaede before going out of the room and closing the door behind her.

'She seems to be a kind and lovely girl.', thought Kaede with a eye-closed smile, 'I wonder what kind of CEO she will become...'

---------------------------------------------

The next day, (Y/n) received a message from Kaede. She will be able to see Yamashita today at the office. She smiled in front of her phone as she just woke up. She got dressed and took her breakfast before stepping outside with a helmet on. She climbed on her motorcycle and drove towards her next destination.

She lived pretty near from Yamashita Trading Co.'s building but she always enjoyed riding her bike, even for the shortest trip. She arrived soon at the previous day's adress. She parked her bike, put off her helmet, and headed for the first floor just like yesterday.

She was wearing the same outfit as before. She didn't really like dressing formally but she wanted to make a good first impression on people. Besides, it made her looking more professional and credible, some assets she really lacked because of her shyness and her ability to get nervous very easily around people she doesn't know.

"Good morning Mister Yamashita, Miss Akiyama !", greeted (Y/n), entousiastly. She was surprisingly feeling at ease around them already. She met Yamashita briefly once some weeks ago and immediatly noticed how comfortable the atmosphere around him is. He's just so kind, respectul, not intimidating at all... at least for her.

Yamashita's face brighten up at her entrance. "Here you are Miss (L/n) ! I'm sorry for yesterday ! I had a very important meeting and all..." - "No need to apologize, Mister Yamashita !", she reassured with a smile, seeing the man before her getting obviously nervous and embarassed, "It happens ! Besides, Miss Akiyama already told me a lot yesterday and I could even have the chance to meet some active fighters." - "Yeah, that's a unique chance !", he laughed, "I planned to take you to see a real Kengan match soon anyway, so that you can witness how it looks like." - "Really ? That's so nice of you, thanks !"

(Y/n) was now as excited as ever. She didn't know why, but seeing a real Kengan fight is something she was waiting for with impatience.

"But I also have a bad news for you...", continued Yamashita, now a mix of sadness and seriousness on his face.

(Y/n) looked straight at him, growing more and more nervous by the second. "What is it...?"

"You wanted to integrate the Kengan Association as fast as possible as a new CEO, but that won't be possible right now." - "W-why ?", she brutaly asked, unable to prevent her sudden anger to take the upper hand on her usual kind and smiling self. Yamashita reajusted his glasses, "The Association is encountering some serious problems at the moment. However,I will gladly hire you as a new secretary so you can see by yourself how the association works !"

Yamashita smiled silently at her, waiting for her answer. (Y/n) thought for a short time before nodding slowly. "It's with a huge pleasure that I accept your proposition !"

'Anything is better than being in stanby for a non-determined lenght. Besides, being right on the field is a perfect opportunity to learn. Let's do that, yeah. I wonder what are these "problem" he is talking about, tought...'

"So, when will I be starting ?", finally asked the girl, curiously. - "Right now ! If it doesn't bother you, of course ! All this wasn't planned after all." Yamashita scratched the back of his head in embarassment. - "No, I don't mind at all ! I had nothing planned today anyway..."

Yamashita laughed happily as he gave Akiyama some instructions about (Y/n)'s new role in the Yamashita Trading Co. The beautiful woman only nodded silently before looking at the girl.

"Come here, I will show you some data about the fighters and how it works.", offered Akiyama as she sat in front of her computer.

(Y/n) instantly nodded and took a sit next to the blonde secretary and listened carefully to everyword she said.

Yamashita looked at the two females with a slight smile on his face, his expression softening. Having suddenly a few more new people around him made him happy for some reason. Maybe he was starting to feel lonely somehow ?

Even him didn't know.

#kengan ashura #kengan ashura fanfiction #introduction #one shot series #kengan omega #kengan omega fanfiction #the 1st one-shot will be posted in a few hours !

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deddie-eddie · 4 years ago

Text

Hypocrisy in fandom.

TW // suicide, suicide baiting, harassment

Yesterday, I nearly killed myself.

I was in the midst of a breakdown, I was shaking so hard I couldnt breathe, and if I wasn't I likely would have been able to open the pill bottle and I likely would have gone through with it.

I had to be talked down via phone call while I was on a camping trip with my family.

But why?

Two days ago, I did something awful. I found a "pedo struggling" account, run by an anti, who was posting screenshots of me and my friends, and called them out.

Little did I know, this would be the start of something horrible.

It started out fine. I made a couple jokes, laughed along at other proshippers in the comments, and it was all fine.

Then, the account posted a vague tweet. "They won't stop." I thought this was funny, so I poked more fun at them. Watched them squirm as they replied to my friends in shaky, broken English. I called it crytyping. I mocked them for it. I assumed I knew what I was talking about and instead of realizing that they were having a breakdown, I assumed that they were being performative and made some horrid accusations in a long callout thread about them. I posted screenshots of them as they replied with, what I thought was, performative nonsense. I privately mocked them. To summarize, I did something entirely, unarguably, factually awful. I made assumptions I had no right to make and acted on them in the worst way.

Then I went to bed.

When I woke up, I had hundreds of notifications. Spammed messages of "deactivate," "how could you do something like this," and a barrage of fancams.

It had come out that the person I was mocking was having a genuine panic attack, and that I had mocked them in a time of immense struggle and pain. I had no right to mock them in the first place, but now that it was genuine, my actions were amplified.

I finally took more than two seconds to think about what I'd done, and realized I was a huge, giant, absolutely massive asshole. I deleted the thread, released a long apology, and tried to take every comment and all my criticism in stride. I was still getting a lot of hate. That was understandable. I knew I didnt deserve to be forgiven yet. I let it be. I didnt tweet anything else for fear of it seeming like I wasnt taking this horrible situation seriously. I sincerely, honestly replied to people asking me why, how, and what I thought I was doing. They had every right to know. Still, the cries of "deactivate" rolled in. I knew I deserved them.

Then, it got worse.

I got a comment. I checked it.

"I dont usually say this but ummm... you should kys."

My heart raced. It had been a while since someone had told me to kill myself. I knew I had fucked up but I didnt realize just how hard, if people were really telling me to kill myself. But i brushed it off. It was one comment. I deserved it.

But it kept. Coming.

More people. "Deactivate," "kill yourself," "you're a freak." All day. Every minute I'd have a new notif, and every moment a new threat. "You'll be alone forever." "I hope you rot alone." I knew I had to take it because I had inadvertently sent people to harass that person. I didnt deserve to be forgiven. I still dont.

People watched my follower count drop. So did I. I lost mutuals I had interacted with for months. I lost people who said that they would always be there for me. I lost people who used to call me their best friend.

I had no one ask me for my side. No one that i was close to, anyway. None of the tens of people who told me that they cared about me, that they loved me, that theyd always be there for me. Not a single one of them was there to ask me. They all read the same callout post, and came to the same conclusion. That I was a horrible, unforgivable person. And I dont blame them for that. Sometimes I think I am too.

Then they kept going even more. More hate. More callout posts, except now people were making things up. They were lying and I couldnt do anything about it because I was in the wrong and not to be redeemed. Old friends took the sides of people who genuinely suggested that I die or kill myself, and people who said they loved me were handing over screenshots to these people in hopes that they wouldnt get thrown under the bus.

They took old things that I said and did and exaggerated them, posted old DMs out of context, and when they couldnt manipulate my words they just didnt provide evidence at all. They had that power. They had the power to lie about me and I had given it to them.

More people joined in. There was a hashtag spread of me. #staymadeddie on twitter. Look it up if you think I'm lying. People tried to get this trending.

After over a day and a half of NOTHING but constant harassment, I started to think I should take their advice. If I was dead, I'd finally be quiet, and theyd get what they wanted. If I was dead, they wouldnt yell at me anymore. They wouldnt harass me. I would be free.

They managed to make me feel like this in a day and a half.

I had a public breakdown. I screamed over the internet, phone held in shaking hands as I tried not to sob in earshot of my family. I frantically pleaded to what little I had left that they stop. I begged to know what they wanted from me. I asked if they really wanted me to die. I begged them to leave me alone. I threw my phone at my bed, ran to the med cabinet, and grabbed a bottle of pills. If I hadn't been shaking so hard, I'd have opened it. If I had opened it, I dont like to think about what I might have done. I was flooded with comments telling me to get help. Close friends begged me not to do what I wanted so badly to. They dmed me left and right, but i ignored it. I felt numb. Everything had been hurting so much that when presented with death felt almost better. Obviously that was a ludicrous thought. It was a day and a half. I was being rash. But I didnt care. I couldnt take it anymore. I'm 15, I have severe anxiety and depression. When overwhelmed, my impulsive thoughts and actions take over.

A friend called me and had to talk me down over phone call while I was camping with my family. It was successful, of course, but the rest of the day I was plagued with a deep depression that left me feeling hollow and worthless. I still cant keep my thoughts away from it. I think about all the people I've lost. All the people who, in their eyes, I'm dead to. All the people who swore they'd be with me, but when push came to shove they couldnt even spare me a glance.

My crime was harassing a minor. I made assumptions I had no right to make and publicly blasted someone for having a panic attack. In no way was that okay and in no way am I entitled to be forgiven. However, I deleted the post. I released an apology. I took criticism as best I could, without blaming my actions on anything or anyone but myself. I did what they always tell you to do when you fuck up.

But it didnt work.

I *was* genuinely sorry.

I *did* recognize my mistake

I *tried* to make amends.

I *didn't* pass blame.

I fucked up. Hard. But no matter what I did no one would stop. I lost close friends. I lost a best friend. It almost seemed like I'd made it worse.

There is no moral. Because real life isnt black and white. I did an awful thing. These people did awful things too. There is more than one victim here. In people's quest to gain justice for me harassing a minor, they harassed a minor into near suicide and laughed at it.

Dont forget that behind EVERY account there is a real person. Be they adult or child, everyone will fuck up and even though in general we need to think before we post, like I clearly didnt, it is possible to learn from our actions and one negative one doesn't define a person.

I'll say this again.

To some people, people I trusted, people who said they cared about me, i am dead. They hate my guts. I'll never be redeemed. But I'm expected to improve myself with this knowledge. I'm supposed to take all the hate and never speak about the hate coming my way for fear of trying to victimize myself.

No. Fuck you.

I AM a victim. I was harassed as much as they were, and even though I threw the first stone, I never told anyone to die. I never lied about anyone. I didnt cancel them. I learned my mistake and apologized, but I KNOW that NO ONE will EVER be expected to apologize for what they did to me.

What I did was horrible. I am not entitled to forgiveness. I will repeat that a hundred times. But to beat me down until I'm nearly dead, to call me a freak and a pedo and a disgusting person, to tell me to kill myself, then laugh when I call myself a victim, is disgusting.

I DON'T deserve this, and I'm tired of having to pretend like I do.

By all means. Criticize me. Make jokes. Be harsh. But do NOT tell me to kill myself over a lack of forethought, and then have the guts to call yourself a "protector of kids." You're not.

You're only out to protect your friends, and the people who agree with you, other people's lives be damned. I dont matter to you. And you'll never admit that you hurt me.

#cancelled #tw suicide #tw suicide baiting #tw harassment

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homeforchristmas-au · 5 years ago

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Character bios pt 2!!

Decided to continue the bios for the rest of the fam squad, the full extended family!! Might change things around a bit, we’ll see!!! Here’s part one in case you missed it :3

Emile Sanders (formerly Picani):

Age: 46

Pronouns: he/him/they/them

Height: 6’1”

Curly medium golden mahogany brown hair and sky blue eyes, subtly tanned skin covered in freckles, red framed rounded glasses, likes dressing like a cartoon character or just wearing cartoon merch (his prized possession is his Mabel pines jumper) but wears a brown cardigan over a white button down shirt with a pink necktie when he goes to work

A big goofball that has a lot of love to give, but he still knows when to be more subdued and calm and when to activate “serious picani”. He’s always loved helping people work through their issues which is why he’s a therapist

Like patton, he’s excellent at reading emotions, though he’s a bit better at it since he’s a professional

Has ADHD, but has developed the necessary coping skills to help keep his symptoms under control

Has two siblings; Catarina (Patton’s mother) and Leonard (Patton’s other uncle). Emile is the baby of the family while Leonard is the oldest

Emile met Thomas when they were both in college. They shared an ASL class and quickly began getting along, and frequently practiced sign language together and feelings developed from there

It was quite some time before they got married, but it was well worth the wait

Thomas Sanders:

Age: 43

Pronouns: he/him

Height: 5’10”

The standard character Thomas look; floppy medium brown hair, chestnut eyes, fair skinned, wears the same three shirts periodically for five years until he buys three new shirts, the usual stuff

He’s a sweet, down to earth guy. Loves cartoons almost as much as Emile does, has a passion for pizza, theatre, and the cats of the world he’ll never be able to pet without dying. He can be impulsive at times, but his heightened anxiety oftentimes outweighs that

Has three brothers named Christian, Patrick, and Shea, but I won’t describe them in depth cos I don’t wanna get any facts wrong since this is based on Thomas himself oop-

I’m literally just describing the canon character Thomas except slightly older im-

There’s like nothing else to add to make this fun and unique it’s just character Thomas welp

Thomas and Emile’s kids:

Anton Sanders:

Age: 16

Pronouns: any/all

Height: idk uh ??? 5’7” ???

Medium length wavy black hair, electric blue eyes, fair skinned with a beauty mark on his right cheek beneath his eye, usually wears fashionable clothes and declares himself an eleven, often wears scarves and turtlenecks (almost exclusively black) as well as his round mirrored sunglasses

Can and will kill you with a single look. Especially if you mess with his family. He’ll never admit it but he loves them with everything he’s got, even if he never acts like it for even a moment

Especially adores Remy and respects that they’re discovering themself and exploring new possibilities. He knows from experience how tough that is and how much of a challenge it can be

Was adopted at age three after his parents were busted for child abuse and heavy drug addiction. It took quite some time for him to come out of his shell but Emile and Thomas were nothing but patient and loving and kind. He still has a lot of trust issues but he knows he can trust his family

Will never admit it now but became insanely jealous when remy was adopted into the family. He did not want a brother because he knew that meant he was being replaced and he wasn’t loved anymore

Eventually Thomas and Emile sat him down and they all talked through it and assured Anton that he was still loved and he was not being replaced

It still took a very long time for Anton to trust Remy, even if he was only a baby

His heart was won over when Remy said his first word to him

All he said was “no” but Anton admired his defiant spirit

also yes this is the Critic how did u know

Remy Sanders:

Age: 12 (birthday January 16)

Pronouns: he/him/they/them/it/its

Height: damnit how tall are 12 year olds

Shoulder length hair dyed dark purple at the roots that fades into magenta at the ends (hair colour changes periodically depending on what it feels like having), chocolate brown eyes, fairly dark skinned but not heavily so, gender expression changes at the drop of a hat but it often wears leather, skirts, beanies, and a heck ton of earrings (when it turns eighteen it starts getting a lot of different piercings like angel bites, nostril, and industrial piercings, etc) (that’s worth noting)

Almost always sarcastic but that’s its way of showing love really. It’s a helluva punk that can and will fight anyone to the death if they deserve it (or if they hurt someone Remy likes). It’s actually a huge nerd but doesnt usually show that side of itself. It loves reading, watching shows like doctor who, and doing puzzles with Logan

Was diagnosed with adhd after Emile noticed it experienced similar symptoms for quite a while

Was adopted by Thomas and Emile when it was a baby (and Anton was four), having been found by Emile when it was left in a box in an alleyway, which was a long and complicated process but one hundred percent worth it

It has a trio of male rats named Holmes, Watson, and Splinter. Thomas was a bit reluctant to let it adopt rats but they all went to a rat breeder and when Thomas saw them all and even held one he realised it wasn’t so bad and they were actually kinda cute

When it was nine years old, it nearly died in a nasty hit and run. A truck had swerved into it when it was by the side of the road. It was fine after a lengthy recovery except it had to use a wheelchair after some spinal cord damage left it immobilised from the waist down. The driver was never identified

It probably wasn’t a coincidence that this event occurred not long after remy started talking about how much it loved boys just as much as it loved girls, but that teas a bit too hot for this post

Logan’s sisters:

Ellen Adams-Waterson:

Age: 26

Pronouns: she/her

Height: 5’6”

Light auburn hair going just barely past the shoulders, honey eyes, fair skinned though mildly tanned, covered from head to toe with freckles, red framed rectangular glasses, usually wears clothes for comfort and especially likes turtlenecks

She’s a determined, steadfast kinda gal who fights for whats right and gives everything she has for her loved ones, especially her immediate family. Although she can be pretty blunt with her words she’s also kindhearted and wants whats best for everyone

She’s an avid writer, and has actually published a novel. She also dabbles in fanfiction and is unashamed about it

She’s married to a wonderful wife named Elizabeth and they have a daughter named Kaylee (15)

She’s also been trying to quit smoking but so far that has yielded no results

Ashley Fletcher (formerly Adams):

Age: 24

Pronouns: she/her

Height: 5’10”

Long light ash brown hair that reaches her tailbone that she keeps parted to the right, electric blue eyes, fair skinned and a face full of freckles, black rectangular glasses, tries to be fashion forward but mostly just wears T-shirts and denim jackets

She’s a trans woman and has been transitioning for a few years now with lots of support from her family. She’s a nice person but let’s people walk all over her a bit. She doesn’t like confrontation much because of her anxiety disorder, but she’s trying to get better with that

Loves acting and wants to pursue it as a career, but her anxiety makes it difficult to put herself out there

Married to a trans man named warren and they have a son named jack (11) and a daughter named Emma (6)

She met warren at a pride event with Logan and Patton, and it was actually Patton who met him first (although at the time he went by a different name and didnt know he was trans yet) and then introduced him to the others

They actually talked about adopting a child long before even considering marriage. Although they realised it would look better to adoption agencies if they were married, and that was the main reason they even went through all of that

Renae Adams:

Age: 21

Pronouns: she/her/he/him

Height: 6’8”

Short wavy hair dyed bright pink, amber eyes, fair skinned, a black *dabs* styling pair of Warby Parker’s, often wears high neck shirts and suit jackets, basically always business casual because she can, and loves wearing hoop earrings

There are two sides to Renae; either stone cold businessperson or happy go lucky memelord with a heart of gold. She’s a lot like Logan in that regard, although it’s harder to predict what side of her you’ll see at any given moment. She can either be a super soft bean or the scariest person on the planet

Has been dealing with OCD her whole life, and sometimes it gets particularly bad (especially the intrusive thoughts) but she has a therapist and psychiatrist she sees somewhat regularly

She runs her own coffee shop called Real Bean Café and it does fairly well. She’s always thinking about how she can improve her business

She’s aroace so she isn’t in a romantic relationship but she is in a queerplatonic relationship with a beautiful enby named Pigeon

They actually met in her coffeeshop. Renae saw Pigeon’s Attack on Titan T-shirt and was immediately compelled to talk to them

And that is it for part two of the character bios!!! Might make another post talking about Logan’s sisters’ kids and partners but idk we’ll see 👀

I just really like character designs man lmao

Lemme know if I need to tag anything else my brain box isn’t generating the required tags rn lmao

#ts home for christmas #thomas sanders #sanders sides #sanders sides au #thomile #thomas x picani #thomas x emile #emile picani #adhd picani #adhd emile #character thomas #remy sanders #critic sanders #it/its use #car accident mention #hit and run mention #injury mention #ocd mention #long post

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poetic-beats · 4 years ago

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Yesterday I legit had a little mini meltdown about the fact I feel so isolated and alone sometimes because I feel as though no one can really get the level of intensity I feel emotions at unless they also have BPD. Like with my bipolar many people can understand the depression and even the mania if you do a bunch of drugs I mean maybe take some cocaine heroin and Ritalin and you can experience some what of a manic episode is for many people.

But like to explain to someone you love them so much it overwhelms you and its a BAD thing is like ????? To them they look so puzzled because they can only imagine love as much as their brain physically chemically allows they will NEVER understand how it feels to feel such intense emotions not just love but fear of abandonment paranoia jealousy sadness over little things to notice every minor change in someone’s tone or pitch of voice or the way they word things or if they forgot to say they’re daily I love you before they go to work. And how just one little thing can cause a spiral of extreme emotions others view as ‘over reactions’ like damn it can feel so lonely when you experience the world and those in it at such heightened emotional levels.

BPD can be so good but it can be so shitty also my psychiatrist is a piece of shit just as I finally thought he was improving my letter came through the one he sends to my GP just giving a brief write up of our appointment which was done over the phone cos of Covid. I fucking break down in tears on the phone to him told him i was severely depressed I’d relapsed in self harm by banging my head and hands on walls etc that I hasn’t even been able to shower in over a week and i stank right now i was a mess and guess what he fucking writes he says Erin was calm on the phone expressed no thoughts of self harm or suicide moods didnt seem elevated no reports of depression. YOU MOTHER FUCKER.

Yet earlier in the letter he states I had a ‘meltdown’ in which I hit my hands on the wall and was having panic/anxiety attacks almost every day. So which is it doc am I self harming or am I calm on the phone and having 0 depressive symptoms?! For real though hes actually an asshole like i was crying down the phone to him and he has the balls to write to my doctor saying nah Erin was totally cool no depression no self harm thoughts no suicida thoughts she totally A OKAY DOC

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shirts181 · 4 years ago

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Random life vent

I remember being really happy as a kid/teenager, everything was awesome, always had friends and family around and did cool stuff, didn’t overthink about anything just lived my life as it came day by day. Not anymore. Before i dive into this, there’s going to be so many things im going to miss or havent remembered thats probably vital or important in relation to what im saying and as im re-reading over it ill realise i havent added something so yeah just a heads up, im a guy in his mid 20′s, majority of this my friends now dont even know about and i couldnt even imagine trying to explain all this shit to somebody i know, i guess thats why im here lol, i want to add and not sure if its related to how i turned out or not but growing up i was always on the shy side, wasn’t super shy but like when i would do shit like do a class presentation by myself id always go red and blush and sometimes get teary, not that i was sad or upset, id just get fucking teary like a dickhead lol, would use my hands when i talked and just overall looked like a nervous wreck. I was comfy around friends and family, could do whatever, didnt really care, if anything i felt like an extrovert around them, but when it came to being in situations i didnt know anybody, i plainly would just say nothing, not make an effort to really engage in conversation, just lay back and wait for that situation to be over til i was with my friends. If somebody approached me id obviously talk to them and whatever but rarely would i be the person initiating anything like that, was a bit of a idiot like that growing up lol. I’ve always been the person who wanted everyone to be happy, i was always oblivious to how other people like my friends had family or whatever issues growing up and the REAL impact it has on them, like divorced parents or they dont know their mum or dad or whatever that stuff, i knew people with depression and anxiety growing up and i was always open to talk to people about it, i LOVED being the friend to speak to if anybody was feeling like shit or wanted to vent, it made me feel really appreciated and id been given this trust to listen to what they have to say, like i might be able to make them feel better about what they had to say regardless of if i could properly help/change their circumstances and problems, but maybe put a smile on their face and make them laugh and let them know it’ll be ok without even being sure if it would, but i never would say that and 100% know it would be ok, but by saying that it might just give them some hope that things CAN be ok and they then believe it can change for the better. From the age of 16 i was super self conscious, i cared what people thought of me, not that im a super ugly guy or had anything dramatically wrong looks wise or how i was, but more so for me maybe like saying something and somebody over hearing it and me being like “oh fuck i should of said that” because it might sound bad or like having pimples (probably same as every teenager ever lol) or a bad hair day (literally) kinda thing. I cared how people portrayed me, i wanted everyone to know i was just average person who just wanted everybody to be happy, i made conscious decisions on what i said to who and where i said it, clothes i would wear depending on where i was going and who might see me, that stuff was like a necessity in my life, i wasn’t like ocd about that stuff because sometimes id be in situations where i know id be judged but still followed through, but something about me just fuckinggggg hated having somebody look at me a certain way and portray me differently to who i really am. I just re-read that and holy shit lol i sound like an idiot the way i’ve said what i’ve said, this is another thing about me maybe saying something and not accurately making it out to sound how i intend it to sound. Whatever rofl, now the real shit. I got diagnosed by a psych with anxiety when i was 18, this was the beginning of my mental downfall from then to this day. About 6-7 months of solid anxiety i could barely leave my house, was scared for no fucking reason, dont even know why, all i remember is my heart beating like crazy and feeling like i was going to pass out or whatever. This would happen mainly in social situations during and before even seeing others/doing things. I would work myself up to the point of crying, getting hives/being itchy everywhere on my body, nervously shaking and visually just looking terrified. I couldn’t drive properly because i’d get panic attacks and id feel like im about to pass out and i cant escape cos im trapped inside a car, traffic was the worst especially when i was alone, there was numerous times that i fucking cried in my car before and after id pull over to relax myself, how stupid is this shit? Why does this happen to people, how does this shit happen to ME, i dont even get why this all is even happening, im not an unhealthy person by any means so im not sick and didnt have symptoms of any illness, wtf is going on. How the fuck do i get over this, ended up seeing a psych because i had no idea wtf was wrong with me, bring in my diagnosis of having anxiety. While i was at home, i would hardcore grind out games on my computer, it made me feel normal and not like absolute shit, dont know why but at the time thats all that made me not feel like absolute shit and scared of being outside in the world. I took pills for this, tried to be active by exercising, playing sport and making an effort and forcing myself out of the house. At the start it was absolute torture, i didn’t ever think i’d get over this, it was that bad. I was on medication, couldn’t tell you what one because i just dont remember and never payed attention to medication names etc. Fast forward 6-7 months, i am actually feeling ok, i apply for jobs, go to job interviews with ease, im actually feeling really good like im making improvements in my life and progressing correctly by taking the next step, something i wouldn’t of thought of doing months earlier. I ended up getting a job and it was like a weight off my shoulders, i was excited, my parents were super happy with me for how far that i had come, i felt good as, potentially like im on track to success in living my life and being able to feel good again. As i got this job i was confident in going out and felt like i could properly just do shit, like i could be me again. This lasted about 15 months, i was ok to drive, i NEVER had a panic attack during this 15 months, i felt good af, when i drove i would even laugh at myself be like “why tf was i panicking? why was i such an idiot and getting worried over shit that cant and wont effect me and make me feel scared? why would i care about those things”, even in like social situations same thing, it was great. It all started to come back, slowly it like bloody crept its way back to being bad, but at this stage i was in denial, i was like na i can get over this i dont need to see anybody, but realistically i probably needed to. To this day i’ve never seen a psych about it, for the last 4-5 years ive almost just adapted to knowing im going to have panic attacks and feel like shit, iv learnt to cope and deal with it myself, the thought of me taking pills for this again scares me, why would i want to take pills to get better again when once i feel good, come off them, id get back into this state of mind and feel anxious again, and then repeat, why the fuck, seriously, why the fuck would i put myself into this potential scenario, i say potential because its a possibility, but thats not a risk im willing to take, people get addicted to this shit, ultimately what im trying to say is i dont want to be that person that gets reliant on taking pills to just having a functioning mind that doesnt make me feel scared and afraid, why cant i just shake this off? is there something im not doing? wtf is the cure to this shit? i know its not the pills because i dont want to become reliant on medications to make me happy. Im pretty convinced im depressed too, iv had serious thoughts about suicide, but i dont think im somebody who could actually commit to it, and if i was, i would probably make the decision to speak to somebody, but im stuck in a mindset where im not going to die from it, but i feel like shit all the time, i dont want meds, i dont know how to fix where im at pretty much, theres things that have happened to me the last couple years which have convinced me im a bad partner in a relationship, not for things i do but for what i unintentionally didnt do, im not a fulfilling boyfriend, ive either never obviously met the right girl for me or im just not fit to be a boyfriend, and thats what i think, how can somebody commit to me but im to stressed and worried about how my commitment to them might not be enough? the constant worry of not being a good boyfriend, when all i really want is for everything to be ok and happy, not that if things arent good or happy that thats a bad thing, i totally understand not everything is perfect and there are shit things that happen to people or in the world thats always going to happen, but i feel like, mainly with my last ex girlfriend, i felt like i was in a competition half the time to compete and get reassurance i was being a good boyfriend because i didnt know anything else, i was locked into this relationship i felt i couldnt escape, i so badly wanted out but was sucked into the mindset that if i left id have nothing and couldnt be with anybody because shes the only one who would be with me cos she already is, how the fuck do i overcome this, how do i get out? Its been a year since she ended up breaking up with me and pretty much for those reasons, i wasn’t up to par with her standards, i wasnt her dream boyfriend, for somebody who accepted my past issues with anxiety and letting her in on all my personal shit, if somebody who i thought cared for me leaves me, how could i ever convince or even get another girl to be with me knowing i have this weight and baggage of being a potential let down and not being able to be the person she needs me to be? Writing all this i thought id feel better but i kinda still feel like shit. I weighed up deleting this, i had it all highlighted ready to backspace and alt f4 this but fuck it i might regret not posting this, i guess thats why im here anyway. If you read all this sorry for the random bullshit, i re-read it and i sidetracked myself hard from what i was originally going to say but im kinda tired and was literally just typing anything that came to my mind andddd yeeeeaaaahhh.. peace

#anxiety #depression #latenightthoughts #venting #myreality #mylife #imisstheoldme #shellberightmate #bullshitery #mentalsuffering #mentalhealthissues

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roxyaddams · 5 years ago

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Friends On The Other Side

Summary (I apologize, I'm terrible at them): Virgil is having a bad day and the resident slimy boi is planning something. (Also a Winged!Virgil AU)

Tw: Deceit, manipulation, anxiety/panic attack

Ships: Romantic Prinxiety

Inspired by https://roxinnaxu.tumblr.com/post/178583912805/wingedvirgil-but-like-a-dark-side

And

https://youtu.be/1rbK6c0DNCM by https://thecatinatux.tumblr.com

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Virgil had been growing more and more anxious. Deciet had been missing for a while, and while the purple clad male should be relieved at that, he knew it meant the snake was planning something. After all, Virgil himself had been one of the ones to help with those plans. But that was now behind him.

He had a real family now, ones who wouldn't use him. There were still times when they would reference him as somewhat of a villain in the past, but they were all quick to apologize. Roman still called him names, but they held no malice, instead being pet names, which Virgil pretended to be annoyed by, although he truly loved it. He was Roman's Dark and Stormy Knight, and he was Virgil's prince charming.

The sides knew nearly everything about each other. Yes there were some details they didnt know, but it was nothing important. Except for one thing.

Virgil had kept them hidden so long sometime he wasn't even sure if they were there anymore. But sure enough, he did still have his wings. He could make them disappear, but two large scars would appear on his back. He would never let the other see.

Virgil had good and bad days. The bad days were few and far between, but when they occurred, it was bad. And it was one of those days. Fear and worries pounded through his skull, and he held his head in his hand, as if trying to keep it from splitting in two. The other sides had learned that they could help ease his pain, but today was different.

Virgil felt an aching in his back, a demand for his wings to be set free. He resisted, knowing the others would soon come to check on him.

He curled into a ball on the stairs, his body shaking, and eyes glowing purple. A black mist slowly covered the floor. This was different than the other times. The other sides needed to stay away. With the amount of anxiety emanating through him, Thoma swould be fine if Virgil decided to stay in his room. He knew Thomas would be able to feel some of the fear.

Virgil knew it had only been a few minutes, but it felt like he had been laying on the floor for an eternity when the others showed up.

Their eyes widened in panic, and Roman rushed over to the male, reaching out a hand, when purple sparks, shot out towards the prince.

"[S̲̲̅̅t̲̲̅̅a̲̲̅̅y̲̲̅̅ ̲̲̅̅a̲̲̅̅w̲̲̅̅a̲̲̅̅y̲̅]" Virgil said, his voice doubling.

"Virgil, can you try to hold it in for just a few seconds?" Roman asked, undeterred.

Virgil shut his eyes tightly, trying to hold it in long enough for Roman to do what ever he needed to do. The pain was so overwhelming, Virgil hadn't noticed the prince pick him up, and transport them to his room.

Roman set the side down, and took a few steps back.

"I tried to make it as calming as possible. I'll stay here so you won't be alo-"

Virgil cut the prince off.

In the most normal voice he could muster, he said, "Go, Thomas needs you... I'll be fine here... It wont be good if you guys are around me for any longer."

Roman knew trying to reason with him would fail, so he nodded cautiously, leaving Virgil alone.

Once the creative side was gone, Virgil shed his hoodie, revealing a black tank top under. The back of the tank top hit very low, only covering what was under two large parallel scars on his back.

His wings unfurled, the black feathers with purple tips glinting in the starlight. The pain lessened a little, it was still raging, but revealing his wings had helped. In between the waves of pain, Virgil made a note to thank Roman later. The prince knew that space calmed the side, so he had created a gorgeous galaxy, surrounding him on all sides.

Virgil knew it should make him more anxious, but the colors and twinkling lights were intoxicating and calming.

Slowly the pain began to lessen, and Virgil could soon stand, albeit shakily, lightly flapping his wings for support.

Virgil knew that the pain would soon come back full force, so he tried to savor the moments he had before it all began to hurt again.

He began to fly through the air, the pain currently only a slight annoyance as he soared through the stars.

He wished he could share this with Roman.

No. He thought, pushing the thought away.

Virgil knew the others would once again shun him. A small part of him said that they would never do that to him, and as much as he wanted to believe that lie, he knew he couldn't.

"So it's one of your good days, I presume?" A familiar voice said.

Virgil took one glance at the side before him, and plummeted to the ground, pain wracking his body. He heard a distinct crunch, and though he couldnt pinpoint where, he knew something had been broken. Deceit smirked, picking up Virgil's hoodie.

Virgil knew exactly what the snake was going to do. He opened his mouth to protest, but instead of words, only a demonic, distorted cry of agony left his throat.

Deciet pondered whether he should mess with the pathetic side in front of him further. He wanted him to suffer like he did.

The male shifted into Patton, then Logan, and finally, Roman. He pretended to be disgusted and revolted by Virgil's wings.

Virgil watched the display, feeling betrayed, although he knew it was all a trick.

"Roman's" reaction hurt the most.

"That vampire bat! This inhuman beast! He ought to be locked up, and never released!"

Black smoke and purple sparks flooded his vision, and Virgil felt tears streaming down his face.

Deciet looked down at the helpless side, a slight frown on his face.

"I almost don't feel bad for you."

Deciet left, and Virgil knew that something bad was about to happen. And unfortunately for him, he was the only one who could prevent it.

Breathe in for four. Hold for seven. Out for eight.

He tried to repeat the exercise as well as he could. He was still in utter agony, but it was enough to hide his wings.

He couldnt transport himself somewhere. That would be way too risky, and if he went to Thomas, it wouldn't be good for him.

It would take a lot to summon them, but it would be better. He might still be conscious.

Virgil hadn't noticed the change of the land scape. While the sky was still the breathtaking galaxy, he was now in a field, and black storm clouds began to close in.

He shut his eyes, summoning the others.

They appeared, with Thomas, quite always across the field. Thomas needed to go, now. They began to run towards him, seeing him on the ground. When they were about 15 feet away, the other sides appeared. The Dark Sides.

All of them gathered in one place. The pit in his stomach grew, and Virgil saw the storm clouds covering more and more of the sky. And suddenly, it was all gone. They were in a dark space, and a single light appeared above one of the sides.

"Deciet!" Virgil heard Logan call out.

Not his room. No no no no no.

Virgil recalled having been locked in the room before, by his so called "friend", being tortured by hallucinations and illusions, meant to teach him a lesson.

Practically the only good thing about the room was that Deceit almost always spoke the truth while inside.

"You're in my world now, not your world, and I've got friends on the other side." The Dark Side crooned.

Virgil felt as if he was going to be ripped apart. His hair was plastered to his face by sweat, and he felt like he was suffocating. He was shaking, and with every shallow, ragged breath, his body kept trying to curl into itself.

Tears streamed down his face, and he knew if it got any worse, his secret would be revealed.

"Sit down at my table, put your mind at ease. If you relax it will enable me to do anything I please." Deceit slowly began to approach his friends.

Virgil began to pinch his way towards them. His body protesting every movement.

Virgil felt a small amount of the hurt go away, and he was positive it was from adrenaline. He took the chance to continue moving forwards as Deceit and the other Dark Sides continued singing.

"And if you aren't shaking there's something very wrong, cause this might be the last time you hear the boogie song!"

Virgil was shaking all right. H neared his friends, shakily standing up and standing in front of them, his arms out.

He was dizzy and light headed, but stayed standing, although swaying some.

"Now Virgil, why don't you tell them your secret?"

"Secret?" Roman asked.

Virgil turned, taking a few steps backwards.

"Don't listen to him! He's lying!" Virgil cried.

His scars ached, and Vigil wasn't sure how he had not accidentally revealed his wings yet.

"The world was such a wholesome place until..."

Virgil felt the other Dark Sides grab him, pulling him backwards. He tried to fight it, but the shadowy figures held tight against his weak attempts.

"He had a plan to shake things up. And that's the gospel truth." The figures sang.

Roman began to run after him, but Deceit stood in front of him, summoning snakes to hold the prince in place.

"Are you ready?" The dishonest side asked, the others echoing him.

"Transformation Central! Reformation Central! Transfomorification Central! Can you feel it?"

Virgil felt the pressure on the scars building.

You're changing, you're changing, you're changing all right.

Virgil felt his wings burst through, flapping until he was in air. His eyes flew purple and sparks shot out from his body.

"Far from the ones who abandoned you chasing the love of these humans, who made you feel wanted. I hope you're satisfied. But if you ain't, don't blame me."

Then he felt it.

One of Deceit's snakes. Slithering up his arm, it's smooth scales immune to the power emanating from the side.

The snake snuck its teeth into Virgil's flesh, and he could feel the venom coursing through his veins. His body thrashed, and he pulled the snake of his arm, throwing it away from him. He could feel someone else attempting to take control. He tried to resist, but suddenly, his adrenaline wore off, and the pain flooded his body. He let out a gutteral shriek, and felt himself lose control.

He looked at his friends faces, fear in their eyes. They were hiding behind Roman. They were scared of him.

The sparks stopped, and his eyes became yellow. He was like a puppet. In his mind he was screaming and begging for it to stop. But on the outside, his face was stuck in the same expression of fear he had when he shrieked.

He saw a reflection of himself in Roman's sword. He looked like a monster.

You are a monster. Deceit's voice rang throughout his head.

His makeup had run down his face, looking like black tears permanently on his face. His eyes wide open, his face scrunched in fear, with his jaw hanging wide open.

He was approaching Roman. A hand held out, sparks resuming. Roman would get hurt.

"Don't forget us." Patton whispered.

"Don't forget us." Logan said.

Tears stained the prince's face. He should never cry.

"Don't forget us." The side whispered, cupping Virgil's face.

Something came over Virgil. He began to lower his hand.

You'll regret it.

Virgil ignored the voice. He smiled, shutting his eyes, and letting a tear slide down cheek. He put his safe hand on top of Roman's. He leaned towards the prince, whispering something in his ear.

Roman's smile fell, and he shook his head, letting out a small, "No."

"You have to." Virgil gave him a bittersweet smile, "Do you trust me?"

"Dont you dare use Aladdin lines against me."

Virgil could feel Deceit beginning to take over once again.

"You need to. For Thomas. Don't worry, I wont feel it."

The last part was a lie. The Dark Side once again took control. Roman gripped his sword tightly, whispering, "I love you."

Throughout the entire day, Virgil had felt as if he were being split in half. But he would take that any day over being impaled with his boyfriend's sword.

Virgil bit back a scream.

"Roman, quick, get Virgil to his room! We might be able to save him!"

Roman transported Virgil to his room. Patton and Logan surrounded him, Logan trying to tend to his wounds, and Patton alleviating his pain.

Roman retreated to his room. The next few days, Virgil was unconscious. Even from Roman's room, he could hear Virgil's yells of pain. After the first day, it had been a common occurence. It did not mean he was awake, and Roman felt like he had been stabbed through the heart.

Virgil stood before Roman.

"V-virgil, I'm sorry. I... I never should have left you alone in my room. How could I have been so stupid?"

Virgil said nothing, giving Roman a hug, running his fingers through his hair.

Logan and Patton watched silently. Logan began to take a step forwards, but Patton held him back, shaking his head. The two left, feeling pity for the prince.

Roman sat down, Virgil sitting next to him.

"Roman. This isn't real."

"I know." Was the prince's reply.

Roman heard a familiar voice.

"I'm not sure whether to be creeped out or flattered that my boyfriend missed me so much that he made a copy of me."

"V-virgil?" Roman said, his eyes glistening with tears.

"No, it's Patton." He smirked.

The fake Virgil disappeared, fading away.

Roman ran towards Virgil, sweeping him up in a hug, twirling him around like in a movie. The two embraced and kissed.

"I missed you, Hot Topic."

"Aww, you think I'm hot." The male said, wiping the tears from Roman's face.

The emo's wings wrapped around the two, and there was nowhere either of them would rather be.

#prinxiety #winged!virgil #virgil sanders #sanders sides virgil #deceit sanders #tw deceit #roman sanders #logan sanders #patton sanders #sanders sides #angst #angst with a happy ending

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ladyboltontoyou · 6 years ago

Text

Arthur Morgan x Reader: Farmer’s Daughter. 2

Warnings: Cursing probably. Smut.

Pairing: Arthur Morgan x Reader

A/N: HELLO AGAIN. Listened to ‘Home’ by Edward Sharpe and The Magnetic Zeros while I wrote this lmao.(Okay I listened to it like three times in the span of the three hours it took me to write this) You should all listen to it, gave me young Arthur x reader vibes tbh, it’s super cute and happy. RIGHT OK so I hope you guys like this one as much as you enjoyed the first one, didn’t plan this to be more than a one-shot but more than one person wanted it to be so here I am. Hope the smut didn’t feel too rushed! I was going to do a few time skips but this just felt right to me. Thanks so much for your notes, comments, and reblogs, they mean the world to me.

It had been a week without any sign from Arthur, and on the seventh day you had almost given up hope. But he showed up right when you were about to fall asleep, knocking over a vase on your table when he climbed through the window it sat in front of.

You sat up in bed and pulled the sheets over you, frozen solid in fear for a good ten seconds before your eyes adjusted to the light and you made out Arthur picking up the vase from the floor.

“You scared the daylights out of me.” You whispered as you calmed down from the near heart attack.

“Your doors were locked, so I uh, knocked on the window. You didn’t wake up and, well, here I am.” He sounded slightly embarrassed, taking his jacket off to put on the floor. “Sorry about that.”

“You don’t need to do that, a little water is okay.” You said as you climbed to the foot of the bed, but his jacket had already soaked up the spilled liquid.

“Exactly. I’ve got other coats. At least it ain’t leather.” You both laughed a little at that and then you lit your bedside candle.

“Close the curtains, will you?”

He looked over his shoulder and realized he’d not only left the window open, but he gave a good view to anyone who looked up at the balcony. He quickly did as you asked, closing the window too. “You draw anything while I was gone?” He asked as he walked back over and sat in the chair at your table.

Another reason he was such a good man, he sat a respectable distance away from you when there was a whole bed he could have taken advantage of.

Which damn, you wished he would.

If there was anyone in the world who was sexually frustrated, it was a tie between you and Arthur. You had sex only once in your life, and it wasn’t even good. You had many other opportunities with pretty attractive people, but your family was almost constantly on you so you had no time to sneak away. And for Arthur, well, it’s self explanatory.

“A few things.” You admitted and crawled back to the head of your bed and pulled out the drawer of your nightstand. Your brand new sketch pad laid in there, your father had bought it for you a few days before since you had already filled up your last one.

“Really? Well, I’d love to see them.” He hated how vulnerable he felt then. Snuck into some girls room, knowing damn well he was a fool for being there. He fawned over you a little too much for his liking, last time he had butterflies over a girl he was very, very, very young. But that was the last thing on his mind for once. All he cared about now was the farmers daughter in her silk night-dress with the sketch book in her hands.

You opened to the first page where a simple sketch of a cat waited to be praised. “This is my cat Scully.”

Arthur got up from his seat and walked over to where you sat on the edge of the bed, squatting down at your knees so he could see properly. “Well, look at that.” He grinned and you handed the book over to him, which he gladly took. “How’d they get that?” He pointed to the right ear which was missing the top half.

You leaned over to look at what his finger pointed to and sighed. “One day when I was real young, I was playing outside and the neighbor's dog came over, guess he didn’t like how I smelt so he started growling at me. Scully, she saw me crying and came over, kicked its ass then chased it off.” You laughed when you remembered how your parents treated the cat afterward, taking her to the most expensive vet they could find. She was queen of the house from then on out.

Arthur snorted, his head bobbing slightly as he did so. “That so? She’s braver than any man I’ve ever met.”

You smiled and nodded in agreement. “You can go through them, there's only two more in there.” Your heart sped up in excitement when you remembered the last picture was something you’d done for him, a silhouette of him standing on your balcony overlooking your farm land.

He turned the page slow as to not wrinkle the expensive paper. When he saw the next one he raised his brows. “Christ, girl. You need to be selling these.”

The one he was looking at was a more detailed sketch, one you had done the day before. You still needed to do a little more shading on it, but it was mostly done. It was your parents sitting outside at the bench in your garden, they were both laughing and holding wine glasses. Your father had told your mother something funny and she was almost doubled over, one hand in front of her mouth and the other holding the glass outwards so she didn’t spill any on herself. They were surrounded by their roses and jasmine.

“How do you remember something like this?”

You shrugged with the biggest smile on your face and a blush in your cheeks. “Something like that just sticks.”

He looked up to you and shook his head before looking back down. “You’ve got me speechless.” He flipped to the next page and completely froze. He didn’t say anything for a minute, which worried you, but then he just let out a huff-like laugh of disbelief. “This me?” He knew it was him but for some reason he felt like he had to ask, just to hear you say it.

“Yes, it’s not weird, is it?” You asked while you chewed on your bottom lip nervously.

Arthur scoffed and stood up before sitting down on your bed next to you, his eyes on the paper the whole time. “I’ve never seen myself the way you draw me. Even though this is just my damn figure.”His words really hit you. You knew what he meant by it and although you wanted him to explain it himself you knew it was something he wouldn’t go into detail about. He probably didn’t even mean to say it, it was most likely a slip of his tongue.

After what seemed like several minutes he closed the book and handed it back to you. “No, this is for you.” You opened the book back open and cleanly tore the page out, handing it to the man sitting next to you.

“I appreciate it. I really do.” He said and walked over to the table, setting it down on top of his satchel. His hand lingered there momentarily, considering taking out his own journal and giving you the paper he had spent days perfecting. Anxiety gnawed at him and he pulled his hand away, turning back to you. “Sorry I didn’t come back earlier, by the way. Got caught up in some business and ended up in Valentine for a while.”

“No, don’t apologize.” You waved him off. “You didn’t even have to come back, we barely even know each other. You got what you came for the first time anyways, you could have taken my hundred dollar drawing and sold it to make yourself a rich man.”

He laughed and sat down at the foot of your bed, making sure to keep a proper distance from you so he wouldn’t scare you off. If only he knew you wanted the complete opposite. “Now, a hundred-dollars isn’t very rich, why do that when I could keep coming back and get more? That would be one hell of a business.”

Where on this cold earth did this man come from? How were you so lucky to know such a good person? Given, you had only seen him two times, but he had still made a name for himself. He had a good sense of humor, he was polite, and goddamn he praised your art like it was god. If there was one sure way to your heart it was through that. And not to mention he was incredibly attractive. Fit as could be, well-groomed yet he had this dangerous look about him that said he could put you down in two seconds flat if you tried him.

You wished he would.

In an attempt to clear the dirty thoughts that had flood your head you brought up a new subject. “The last time you were here you said my drawing was better than yours, you never answered me when I asked if you drew too.” You said and tried to look casual as you watched him for a reaction.

He cleared his throat and looked away from your gaze, his eyes landing on everything in the room besides you. “I said that? Of course I would. That sounds like something I’d say.” He laughed to try to chase his anxiety off. “Sure, I do. A little bit.”

“Do you have anything you could show me?” You asked and pulled your legs back up onto the bed, making yourself comfortable as you continued watching him. It was hard not to, every single thing he did was mesmerizing.

He scratched his chin and sighed. “Yeah, I do.” He reluctantly grabbed his satchel from the table and pulled his own journal from it. “They’re not the best, but, well, look for yourself. There’s some writin’ in there too, pay no mind to that.” He handed you the worn leather book and you flipped through it. It was mostly full of wildlife, plants and scenery.

“These are really good. This wolf looks like a photograph.” You said as you went through the pages. Some of his work was way better than anything you could ever dream of drawing, but he probably thought the same about yours. There were a few small doodles that made your heart melt, like one of a poodle that looked like he drew under sixty seconds.

You had gotten so wrapped up in looking at the pages you didn’t even notice the way he was looking at you. He looked at you like he was seeing something so magnificent, and if he dared look away he would miss something. The way your eyes scanned over the paper, the way you would smile when you saw something you found his drunk doodles, it made him feel like he was drunk then and there. He had almost forgotten about what he drew you, on the newest page. When your expression changed to something unreadable his heart sped up and he shifted anxiously on the bed.

“This is me?” Your voice was barely a whisper. You couldn’t believe what you were seeing, it was the most beautiful thing you’d ever seen. Not because it was you, but because you knew it was the way he saw you. You were wearing that pretty white sundress you had worn the day he first saw you and you had jasmine flowers in your hair. You looked like you were in the middle of walking, your left hand trailing through the tall grass he had drawn you in. You had a small smile on your face and you were looking directly in front of you as if you knew you were being drawn. It looked amazing, so beautiful you couldn’t believe that was actually you. But sure enough it was identical. “I look so pretty.”

Arthur scratched the back of his head, torn between feeling utterly in love with you and feeling disgusted at how sappy and vulnerable he was. “I draw what I see.”

That was all you needed. You set the book down beside you and threw all your inhibitions out the window, crawling to the foot of the bed to kiss him. You took his face in your hands and pulled him towards you. His trimmed beard felt rough in your hands but you loved every bit of it. His lips felt even better against your own, they were hot and tasted raw as if he had been chewing on them for hours.

Arthur inhaled sharply through his nose, his eyes wide and his hands raised off his lap in surprise. He wanted to push you off because he knew it was wrong and you’d regret it later. He told himself you had to have been drinking, there was no way any woman like you would kiss someone like him.

You were the one to end the kiss, but only because you were running out of breath. It seemed he had been too, since when you parted he sucked in a breath.

“Now why did you do that?” He asked immediately, his voice faultering.

“I don’t know.” You admitted with a shrug and a soft laugh. “I just wanted to. I’m sorry, I should have asked. I just, really… really like you, Arthur. I know we haven’t been in the same room as each other a total of ten hours… but I don’t know. I’ve never felt like this. I don’t know what the normal thing to do is when you like someone like this.”

Arthur shook his head and sighed. “Don’t do that. Please. Don’t.”

“Give me a reason.” You were still so close you were practically touching, your knees a hair length apart. “Because I don’t see any good reason not to.”

“(Y/N), I’m not a good person. I don’t know if I’ll stay around here long, I don’t normally stay in one place for too long. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you, you’re a young beautiful woman. You could have any man, hell, any man or woman you’d ever want.”

“Really? Well, I want you.”

He sighed and closed his eyes, shaking his head again. “Don’t say that.”

“But it’s true, I want you, Arthur. I don’t want anyone else, not right now at least. And right now is all that matters.”

At your words he groaned, hearing the sentence ‘I want you’ coming from your mouth was too much for him. “But-”

You shut him up with another kiss, this one shorter but more heated. “Listen Arthur, I’m a big girl, okay? I won’t be heartbroken if we never see eachother again. I’ll be sad for a while, sure, but like you said. I’ve got my whole life. I’ll get over it.” You smiled and took off his hat, setting it beside him. “You think pretty highly of yourself if you think one night will be the end of me.”

Arthur laughed and finally looked at you. “You’re stubborn. You know that?”

“Of course I do. But now you’ve got me interested, what’s so good about you that you want to protect me from missing?” You questioned with an innocent smile, placing a hand on his knee.

He grew serious again and the playful smile disappeared. “(Y/N), I don’t think this is such a good idea.” He warned while he still had the mindset to think that deeply. Your hand on his knee wasn’t helping his good intentions. “If your folks-”

“Don’t worry about them. They sleep on the other side of the house with the river right outside their window. The only thing that will wake them is screaming, or the dogs outside. But don’t worry, I can be quiet.” You winked and took his hand in yours, impressed by how huge they seemed compared to you. “Please?”

There was no way of explaining how you got the idea to start kissing his fingers, it just felt right. Arthur closed his eyes and groaned in the ‘What have I gotten myself into’ type of way. There was no way he could say no to you, not when you were doing… that. “Christ, woman.” He hissed when you pulled him forwards towards the head of the bed.

He took a quick second to take his boots off and blow out the candle, providing you with a more comfortable sense of safety. There was no way anyone besides the two of you could see what was going on in your room.

He climbed back on the bed and kissed you, one hand on your cheek and one on the bed beside you. Arthur kissed so sensual and deep that you felt like you were kissing someone you had been married to for your entire life. Your heart swelled and all the blood made its way between your legs in a hurry. “Take this off.” You whispered against his mouth as you unbuttoned the front of his shirt.

He finished the rest of the buttons, sitting up on his knees to pull his arms out of the shirt. Once it was off he hurried back to kissing you like his life depended on it. He loved the feeling so much he totally forgot about the rest of his clothes and only stopped when you placed your toes on his belt buckle and gently pushed him back.

You smiled when he laughed and shook his head at you. “What? Don’t like taking your time?” He teased and lowered his hands to unbuckle his belt. The imagery mixed with the gentle clink of metal as he took his belt off drove you mad.

“I do once the clothes are off.” You meant to tease him back but you sounded far too serious. He had nothing to say to that so he just finished taking his belt off, laying it with his hat at the foot of the bed. When he leaned forward again you stopped him with your foot on his chest. “Keep going.”

“Maybe you should've been the one warning me.” He breathed and pulled his pants down his hips, standing from the bed to pull them off the rest of the way. “There’s no way I could have you just once.”

Good. You thought. You didn’t want him just once either.

Once he finally got his pants off you felt it was unfair that you were still fully clothed so you reached under your dress and pulled down your panties. He watched as you pulled them off of your raised feet with a look that just screamed sex. “Am I dreamin’?” He asked with a laugh, sliding back onto the bed in front of you.

“Come here and find out.” You grinned and spread your legs a bit, just enough to notice but not enough for him to see anything exciting.

“Jesus, woman.” His voice was barely a whisper and he leaned back into you, grabbing your waist gently to pull you flat on your back, his hips pressed flush against you. You could feel how hard he was through the thin fabric of his underwear and it drove you fucking crazy. He finally started taking the lead then and he slipped his hand between the two of you, sliding his fingers down your slick folds to your entrance. When he pushed a finger inside of you the both of you gasped, he didn’t expect you to feel so good around him.

“Oh, fuck.” You muttered and closed your eyes, grabbing onto his biceps. His arm muscles tensed under your touch, mostly his right arm since that was the one with its fingers inside you.

He kept at that for a while, curling it inside you in sync with the beat of his heart. You came just from that. When he felt you tense up around him mixed with the feeling of hot cum oozing down his hand he lost any patience he had left. He took his hand out from between your legs and kissed you again, using his right hand to take the last article of clothing he had off. When he pressed back down into you the breath hitched in your throat.

“God.” You moaned and moved your hands from his arms up to tangle into his hair. “I want you so bad, Arthur.”

As if he couldn’t be in any more of a hurry, you had to go and say that.

“You have no idea.” He said with a grunt and used a hand to guide the tip of his cock against you. He rubbed it up and down your slit a few times and you let out the filthiest sound he had ever heard. You locked your ankles around his back and pushed him into you, catching him by surprise.

The feeling of his cock fully inside of you was indescribable. You arched your back and rolled your head back into the pillows. He groaned and grabbed the bottom of your nightgown to pull off of you. You had to help him get it off your shoulders. After it finally came off he sighed, looking down at your body.

“You’re going to be the death of me.” He whispered and leaned back down into you. His thrusts were slow, but only for a few of them. Once he was sure you were ready he let himself go completely. You pulled his head down to yours and kissed him again as his cock drove in and out of you at a quick steady pace. He felt so amazing inside you, the feeling of his cock rubbing against that one special spot gave you your second orgasm.

Your third came when he rough handled you a little bit for the first time, he had grabbed your thighs roughly and slammed himself inside you about four times. The sheer force of it all knocked the air out of your lungs and left you paralyzed. The fourth time you came he had flipped you onto your stomach. The way he could manhandle you to easily was so hot to you that you swore you fell in love with him then.

When he pushed his cock back into you at the new angle was when you came, and god, he felt it. He almost came with you but he thankfully had the will to pull out and give himself a few seconds to calm down. Once he had enough time he continued fucking you into your mattress.

This all went on for what only felt like a few minutes. You had no idea that you’d actually been at it for nearly two hours. You probably would have gone longer if you didn’t decide to sit in his lap, that had been what finished him off.

When you were on top of him his cock reached deeper inside you than it had ever been before. He was stunned for a second, unable to move as you rode his cock and pulled his head back by his hair. When you sunk your teeth into his neck was when he truly lost it. He came undone in you, grabbing you by your hips and forcing you down further onto his length.

The noises that came from him sounded so primal it led you to your final orgasm. Thank god you came with him because there was no way he’d be able to go again after that. He’d be surprised if he had the energy to climb down that lattice and onto his horse.

No one said anything for a good while but that was okay. You couldn’t talk if you tried. You were too busy gasping for breath to form words.

Arthur was the first to speak. “I should probably leave now, I told Dutch I’d only be out a few minutes.” He sighed when he remembered that the older man had told him not to stay out too long since the law was keeping an eye out for them. You had no idea who Dutch was but you nodded anyways.

“Alright. I should go to sleep anyways, I’ve got to wake up early in the morning to go to town with my mother.”

Arthur nodded and ran a hand through his sweaty hair, noticing how messy it had become. Before he came over he had made sure it looked nice but now he was sure it looked as if he had no idea what a comb was.

You watched him pull his clothes back on, almost forgetting his hat and belt. He slipped your picture for him in his journal and safely secured it, sliding it back into his satchel.

After he gathered his things he gave you one last kiss at the doors, full of more passion than any others you had previously shared. “Could I come see you again sometime?” He asked after you parted with the most adorable smile on his face.

God. He was right in his warning, there was no way you could get over a smile like that.

“Arthur, you know the answer to that.”

#red dead redemption #red dead redemption 2 #rdr #rdr2 imagines #rdr2 #arthur morgan #arthur morgan x reader #arthur morgan x reader smut #arthur morgan imagines #rdr2 smut #rdr2 x reader #request #ask #myfanfic #farmersdaughter

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