#did u miss the 'too autistic to live alone' part

[bananonbinary]

Are you old enough to use this website

sometimes adults are disabled and poor and live with their also disabled and poor parents so they can take care of each other

this is an extremely common living situation, stop infantilizing disabled people jfc

[theunconcernedembalmer]

ok i got the aesvic out of my system now time to pick apart the letter n why i wont really be following aesops diary exactly here. literally no one asked but i wanted to get my thoughts down somewhere cos i have. a lot

just gonna put a quick rundown of aesops diary entry as a refresher (mostly for myself so i dont miss anything): he dreamt that he was helping jerry with what was probably a murder n was affirmed n he thinks its a sign congratulating him on carrying out his duty. over the years, he carries out his duties as an undertaker n comes to the manor looking for a “fresh start” aka what sounds like his first victim. according to aesop, said victim should be quiet, n potential victim number 1 is victor. something about badly needing him to become his “silent friend” n he mentions he’ll get to wick n the 2 other survivors in due time, but for now he’s very eager to start his “mission”.

im generally okay with the letter (i have seen so many fights over this aha) cos there is no surprise he wants to kill ppl (ppl who r fighting over this point. did u even read his deductions?? guy happily killed his mentor??). but i didnt quite like the fact that he still looks up to jerry (although. i guess thats valid i just. dont like it). i was also initially kind of confused about the real reason why he would want to kill ppl since as u progress through the letter it sounds less like he kills for duty (cos of the whole dream thing at the start) but more “because i want to :)”, which is an okayish edgy kinda take imo. like not that u cant characterize aesop as Kill Kill Murder Die, but i kinda find that. pretty boring in the long term.

im just gonna put what my original take on aesop was, like all of it. first off, he hates jerry. u cannot tell me a psychotic serial killer like that can raise a child without emotional trauma. like any child, this isnt even counting the extra damage done because hes autistic. (n i also hc that aesop has read his moms letter to him at some point, n he should have come to the conclusion that it was somewhat also jerrys fault, whether through logic or denial that his mom would want to leave him, so that just adds to it.) but as much as he hates him, his teachings are the only ones hes been exposed to, n its been so ingrained in him since young so even if he hates jerry he would still subscribe to whatever twisted ideology jerry was feeding him, which ill get to in a sec.

going through his accessories, he has that origami that he folds for each of his clients, n it shows that underneath it all, aesop is still kind. this isnt expected of him n its definitely not part of his job scope as an embalmer. he (still?) has the heart to wish the best for those that have departed n takes the time n effort to fold one for each n every client he sends off, which is probably a lot. so going off on that, my hc is that jerry, being the manipulative asshole that he is (who probably definitely manipulated his mom into indirect suicide) probably used his kindness against him to make him believe that by murdering ppl he is helping them, framing all of his serial kills as a sort of mercy kill (like his mom). so the thing that aesop takes away from all this is the very twisted logic that by killing ppl he is helping them, therefore being a good embalmer and a good person in general. n everyone wants to be a sort of good person, or at least for aesop that is part of his job description to be a good embalmer. n we all know aesop is very serious about his job.

i also hc that he has killed several ppl between killing jerry n coming to the manor, cos i follow the story that he took the invitation from that poor lady n thats how he ended up at the manor. surely the lady didnt come to him right after jerry died?? but anyway, the way i see it is that he thought he liked to kill. like he finally truly understood why jerry kills so much (which is interesting now that i think about it. guy really just went along with all those murders without truly believing huh), because it felt good to kill. at least thats what he thought, the revelation that killing felt good n is good, but i say its because he hated jerry, n offing someone u kinda hate should probably feel pretty gucci. n its also so much easier to pick clients off the streets than in the manor, so i would think that he has killed ppl like his mentor did, but each time he did the great feeling that came with ending ppls life just. wasnt as good as the first time round. it just became a sort of normal satisfaction of a successful embalming.

this can go two ways: 1. he keeps on killing to try to find that great feeling again, which is cool i guess (n probably what canon would want, except canon states that he hasnt killed since jerry), but id like to go with 2. he just stops because jerry isnt around to enforce it whenever he isnt feeling up to psychoing someone to their death (which is probably how jerry got his victims, n damn if that doesnt take a lot of mind games that i dont think aesop has the mental capacity for since half of it is fighting with his social anxiety n other issues. dealing with alive strangers?? no thanks?? i doubt he would have learnt properly how to lure in clients as efficiently as jerry because of this, mostly cos he was only needed for the murder afterparty aka embalming n funerals). n as much as he stays professional, there is no. professional way of gaslighting someone to their death.

(n also since ppl have pointed out that his twitter replies n other kinda informal stuff have shown that aesop does have reverent respect for life, which also adds to him not being so blindly bloodthirsty as implied in the letter. i dont really see the twitter replies as very canon, but it does make sense that he would come to revere life with his unique take and obsession over death, for one cannot exist without the other)

so this leads me to the motive that aesop brings to the manor, at least how i see it. he isnt exactly coming to the manor to kill per se (like from the very early story, he came to the manor to return the letter to a relative of the deceased lady, something about respecting her last wishes. something like that, its really been a while since i saw that exerpt), so like killing ppl isnt his main purpose of visit. its more of hes always on the lookout for weaker (or at least those that take less mind games to kill) people to mercy kill, n it just so happens that he knows the manor n his mentor almost died from there, so theres a pretty good chance he can find some ppl that fall into this category n so it just so happens that he also has a job to do there. its still counted as a Job for him since no ones gonna tell him that embalmers dont actually. murder. 

so in my version, aesop only tries to sway ppl that he knows he can convince, n these ppl would typically be those very sickly ones like his mom (andrew im looking at u) or those with an actual death wish/ very weak will to live. but here aesop is choosing his “first victim”, and the criteria for that is... quiet? never mind “not evading him” and “not cranky” being on the list too, but that isnt quite what i was expecting from someone so dedicated to their duty of murder. sure he wants an easy first kill, but like. i dont think its consistent if his motive was really to continue jerrys bastard legacy. especially when the next paragraph is essentially him gushing over victor, that... sort of implies something else. or at least in the way i see it, since i believe that canon wants us to think that aesop just really loves to kill.

aesop likes victor. very much so. so much till he wants to kill him. which i guess makes sense cos he likes death, n now he likes victor. so he just. puts the two things he likes together. whats better than victor? dead victor. anyway the rest of the letter is more like “whatever, i technically should kill the others too but my priority is victor” so like. he confuses his (dare i say) yandere tendencies with his duty since the end goal for both is a body in a coffin.

having said that. i know i have aesvic brainrot but i also know this is one sided as hell (at least from the letter alone, not counting the letter shaped cookies in his birthday art that apparently belonged to victors birthday cake aha) n lowkey alarming since. the goal is to kill victor. i kinda want to interpret it as him genuinely wanting to be friends with victor (really wanting him to be a “silent friend”, maybe cos he doesnt actually know how to be friends with living ppl n is better with dead ones? therefore victor should be dead to be friends?) but not knowing how to n throwing in his obsession with death ends up with. this minor disaster waiting to happen. but i uh. dont know if this is valid. its valid to me at least, with my original interpretation of aesop. n again cos of his ingrained professionalism, he also kinda sees this as part of his job to send ppl off, so its another plus. not for victor, tho.

idk if ill add this yandere side in my aesop. i mean my boi has technically tried to kill victor multiple times in the past HAHAHAHA. maybe like sometimes he can be a bit obsessive. as a treat. but generally nah cos thats definitely gonna end up in a murder somewhere somehow n i cant. just kill victors here on the ask blog scene lashjflkjhdlfkjhas

so yeah that kinda takes care of the last part of the letter, as for the first part. as much as aesop hates jerry, i would also think hes pretty starved for affirmation (like i said jerry isnt going to be a good parent figure ever) n i guess it makes sense if the only times jerry has ever complimented him was aiding him in his kills n hiding the evidence, which might (?) add to his desire to kill (but that probably dies with jerry aha). so the way i see it as aesop is getting affirmation n takes it as a good sign instead of. remotely liking jerry. idk if im stretching it a little but i really dont like the take where hes okay with jerry. anyway we are ignoring that he hasnt killed before entering the manor cos that doesnt quite make sense to me (i wasnt dreaming about the letter from a lady stabbed in the face 36 times or so right???? right???????)

im also not like. trying to defend him, im just trying to make sense of his diary. boi has issues n is a little too far gone (not as far as canon tho), in my take very deluded in his way of showing kindness. literally cool motive still murder (or in canon, just murder?), please get therapy. but i just dont really like the direction that the letter was originally trying to imply, with him really just hell bent on murder without like. a clear motive (at least to me it isnt very clear since the last part really doesnt sound consistent with his supposed intentions). i mean i love being edgy with aesop every now n then but i dont think it would make for meaningful characterizations in the long run so. ill still be sticking with my original take on aesop with maybe a bit of yandere for victor cos thats always fun

[wildfangz]

@liliithvatore tagged me in that simself thing thats been goin around DAYS ago but here it finally is! also thank you for the tag this was fun :-]

I tag @slythersim @thelurgoyf @seoulchii @weicyn @solitasims @daisydezem @raha-plays-the-sims if they want to do it & anyone that just wants to do it in general! message me and I’ll even @ u directly if u want. 

anyway lets DO THIS shitload of questions under the cut u’ve been warned!!!

1. what is your name?

julian

2. what is your nickname?

jewel, jules

3. birthday?

oct 26th

4. what is your favorite book series?

percy jackson and the olympians will probably always own my heart & soul

5. do you believe in aliens or ghosts?

yes & yes. tho i do think a lot of alien sightings and conspiracy theories and what not are bullshit

6. who is your favorite author?

maggie stiefvater probably? also cornelia funke but its been years since ive read anything by her so i cant be sure BUT i loved inkheart & the thief lord so much

7. what is your favorite radio station?

ummm when i listen to the radio at all i kinda just switch between two rock stations and our popular music station.

8. what is your favorite flavor of anything?

blue raspberry !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! tasty and i love a blue tongue

9. what word would you use often to describe something great or wonderful?

cool. or bitchin’.  i play it simple

10. what is your current favorite song?

hands like houses - revive

11. what is your favorite word?

roulette and inhibition which i never get to use either as much as i want !

12. what was the last song you listened to?

emarosa - givin’ up ! its a bop!

13. what tv show would you recommend for everybody to watch?

the new she-ra on netflix its so good. and gay

14. what is your favorite movie to watch when you’re feeling down?

moana. its also like the only movie i dont have trouble getting thru despite how many times ive already seen it

15. do you play video games?

16. what is your biggest fear?

idk... being inherently unlovable i guess n ending up alone? also spiders !

17. what is your best quality, in your opinion?

im fairly open-minded and laid back. Unless someones being like, purposely nasty or something I generally don’t get defensive or aggressive. also a lot of little quirks that piss others off dont bother me im very u do u as long as its not actually harming anyone and ive had people tell me this makes it easier to open up to me so thats probably my best quality....

18. what is your worst quality, in your opinion?

....at the same time though i do get very sensitive when faced w/ criticism even if its of the fair variety when its not phrased really gently for various reasons and i dont like that. especially since I have a tendency to not even talk to people about it. I’ll just immediately start distancing myself. also other than that i think overall I have a really high tolerance lvl but if you cross that line I hold a grudge like a motherfucker

9. do you like cats or dogs better?

cats! dogs are good too but cats are a lot easier for me to handle...and quieter generally but even when they’re loud cat sounds dont get to me quite as much as barks do

20. what is your favorite season?

autumn but im starting to really like summer for some reason? wack :/

21. are you in a relationship?

nope

22. what is something you miss from your childhood?

the lack of responsibility, probably. that sounds real bad lmao but for me its like...I know I’ve grown in various ways over the years but I also feel like so many of my experiences, my trauma, my mental health has held me back and I don’t think I’m mentally where I should be for my age. so all the responsibility of adulthood is just..really overwhelming for me sometimes, even though ive been given a pass from certain aspects of it and the rest is pretty simple its the idea!!!!

23. who is your best friend?

my ex

24. what is your eye color?

25. what is your hair color?

26. who is someone you love?

my mom

27. who is someone you trust?

not really anyone rn unfortunately...would like 2 work on that

28. who is someone you think about often?

are my OCs a fair answer because i am always thinking about my babies.....

29. are you currently excited about/for something?

my favorite webcomic (that also has two of my all time favorite characters in it) just came back!! the artist disappeared back in 2015 like the day after I binge-read the whole fucking thing & i was so disappointed but its BACK and 2018 has been redeemed

30. what is your biggest obsession?

sims probably! i could talk about anything relating to it for hours

31. what was your favorite tv show as a child?

there were so damn many its hard to even think and figure out the most notable ones...i really, really liked teen titans though?

32. who of the opposite gender can you tell anything to, if anyone?

my ex, again

33. are you superstitious?

not terribly so but somewhat. I take certain things as signs and I mean I do believe in astrology & such to a degree

34. do you have any unusual phobias?

i used to be afraid of mirrors but thats all i can think of and its not even a thing anymore...the only other thing is tornadoes but i dont think its unusual. but it definitely sucks for me ‘cause i live in tornado alley!

35. do you prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it?

behind it....like taking pretty pictures and dont like ppl capturing my image 2 film

36. what is your favorite hobby?

sims.....also singing!!! and drawing!!!! video editing!!!!!!!!! the works

37. what was the last book you read?

The Dream Thieves....havent finished it though because last time i went to read it a spider was lying in wait and im traumatized

38. what was the last movie you watched?

coco i think???

39. what musical instruments do you play, if any?

drums, various other percussion instruments, and violin mainly

40. what is your favorite animal?

ferrets!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

41. what are your top 5 favorite tumblr blogs that you follow?

uhhhhh @bratsims @liliithvatore @cabsim @wildlyminiaturesandwich @keysims pls dont feel bad if i didnt include u these were just the first to pop into my head and ive been following some of them since I first made my blog!! and have kept up with their stories completely and enjoy them etc check them OUT !

42. what superpower do you wish you had?

shapeshifting!!! dysphoria? gone. ugliness? gone. want to morph into a fucked up clown and scare people when they realize all the classic clown features are a real actual part of my face? possible!

43. when and where do you feel most at peace?

chillin’ at the pool in summer during the part of the day when no ones there.... swimming is always relaxing 2 me then i love just resting under the sun and drying off afterwards especially since we have a little pond nearby and i can hear the water! its nice

44. what makes you smile?

always and without fail? interacting with anyone i have a crush on. i’ll look like a dope the whole time

45. what sports do you play, if any?

i used 2 play basketball a lot. Like not seriously but it was a thing

46. what is your favorite drink?

dr pepper and monster energy (original flavor) pumps through my veins at this point. we love a carbonated beverage

47. when was the last time you wrote a hand-written letter or note to somebody?

two years ago for my ex and I’s first year anniversary... I never got it mailed but I did at least take a picture of it (with included caption because my handwriting is atrocious). i was very up front about being a romantic and see heres the PROOF

48. are you afraid of heights?

nope! very excited by them actually

49. what is your biggest pet peeve?

i cant stand passive aggressive behavior. my stance is either get over it or quit acting like a bitch because otherwise im just going to ignore you thats the scorpio way (in all seriousness I really, really do recommend not putting up with it and ignoring it until they decide to be up front with you. it can be exhausting constantly reading into conversations and its not healthy for you or them. if they have something to say they need to learn to talk about it properly, and that lack of social skills is not ever on you)

50. have you ever been to a concert?

yep! i think about....six or so? i love them...which is really funny im autistic and EVERYTHING about them should freak me out and they do in other circumstances but at a show i just live for it

51. are you vegan/vegetarian?

nope! ive thought before id like to go vegetarian...but i couldnt do it with my health problems. also i love shrimp too much

52. when you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up?

ive always wanted to do something creative! when i was rlly young I thought a lot about singing and acting and writing in particular...all things im still interested in.... also i wanted to be a dictator ages 4-7 because i told my mom i wanted to be president of the world and make people do what i say and she said “honey thats a dictator not a president”. i then made that known at school and that turned into a situation!

53. what fictional world would you like to live in?

pokemon universe or bust. 

54. what is something you worry about?

never being able to do things i want to do or catching up with others because of my disabilities

55. are you scared of the dark?

yes but a reasonable amount i think

56. do you like to sing?

yes :]

57. have you ever skipped school?

yes i used to play sick a LOT and as my parents caught onto it id even go all out to convince them. i was good at school but i hated it so much

58. what is your favorite place on the planet?

dunno! malls maybe i love shopping and looking at material objects i wish to own

59. where would you like to live?

oregon! portland in particular thats been my dream for a few years now

60. do you have any pets?

a cat! he lives with my dad & grandma though...hes grown up there and likes going outside so I felt bad about taking him with me when i moved out but anyway this is him hes fat and stupid and i love him his name is coffee

61. are you more of an early bird or a night owl?

night owl because my rhythm is all fucked up but in my heart....an early bird...if i get a good nights sleep i’ll be up early yacking your ear off and so excited for the day

62. do you like sunrises or sunsets better?

sunsets are prettier...but sunrises feel more refreshing

63. do you know how to drive?

nope ! im gay !

64. do you prefer earbuds or headphones?

headphones. better sound quality also discourages people from talking to me slightly more

65. have you ever had braces?

nope! but i need them

66. what is your favorite genre of music?

post-hardcore maybe?

67. who is your hero?

every trans person living their truth and being open and loud about who they are past present & future. the worlds not particularly kind to us and our existence alone is considered a radical act, so its always given me hope to see others refusing to pretend to be someone they’re not in this environment and I’ll always have mad respect for that

68. do you read comic books?

i read manga and webcomics...ive always wanted to get into superhero comics but the amount of issues and different versions is ridiculous and makes it inaccessible 2 me 

69. what makes you the most angry?

i mean its hard to pinpoint what makes me angry the MOST...but a contender is definitely how some people feel free to treat others with cruelty and think its their god given right to deny or attack someones existence in some way, & how acts of kindness, even the most basic are branded as liberal bullshit or whatever....it goes against everything i was taught growing up

70. do you prefer to read on an electronic device or with a real book?

real book! electronic device can be easier but....rough on the eyes after a while and nothing beats the real thing for me

71. what was your favorite subject in school?

language arts...at least when we did creative writing stuff

72. do you have any siblings?

two older sisters & an older brother that passed away years ago but. still my brother u kno

73. what was the last thing you bought?

mocha frappe baby!!!!!

74. how tall are you?

5′4″

75. can you cook?

a little bit....not as much as id like to though but im learning

76. what are three things that you love?

storms, cheesy breadsticks, and cat purrs

77. what are three things that you hate?

unnecessary rudeness, being talked down to or generally treated like im stupid, grapefruit which is the worst thing on this list

78. do you have more female friends or more male friends?

female i think?

79. what is your sexual orientation?

im the big bad promiscuous bisexual your parents warned you about

80. where do you currently live?

oklahoma. gofundme campaign to get me out

81. who was the last person you texted?

my friend jojo! just Now!

82. when was the last time you cried?

yesterday afternoon but im a changed man now thats behind me. i will cry about different things soon

83. who is your favorite youtuber?

the mcelroy brothers. also super best friends play. matt, pat & woolie are all great tbh

84. do you like to take selfies?

depends on whether i feel ugly or terribly dysphoric that day or not

85. what is your favorite app?

ummmm....love live school idol festival ive been playin for years its an addiction

86. what is your relationship with your parent(s) like?

dad = bad mom = okay. theres some issues that strain it but its not too bad

87. what is your favorite foreign accent?

i have no idea what the fuck australians are talking about half the time but i dig it anyway 

88. what is a place that you’ve never been to, but you want to visit?

Italy, Greece, Germany, Japan, Mexico, various other states (ive only been out of state three times. twice to texas and then once to kansas. for five minutes)

89. what is your favorite number?

6!! 26 also

90. can you juggle?

ive always wanted to but alas.... :-[

91. are you religious?

i suppose...but im rlly not into organized religion

92. do you find outer space of the deep ocean to be more interesting?

space probably theres so fucking much of it man!

93. do you consider yourself to be a daredevil?

not to brag but sometimes i eat my mcdonalds hamburgers cold from the fridge so you can figure that one out yourself B)

94. are you allergic to anything?

pecans. not deathly allergic though so catch me eating turtle pie anyway! 

95. can you curl your tongue?

nope :[

96. can you wiggle your ears?

nope :[

97. how often do you admit that you were wrong about something?

usually as soon as i realize....unless someones being real smug and annoying then i might be stubborn about it

98. do you prefer the forest or the beach?

ive never been to the beach but i love her!!!

99. what is your favorite piece of advice that anyone has ever given you?

probably that you have to look at your accomplishments differently when you’re disabled or just struggling, to not be so down on yourself because its a fact that what might be a mole hill to someone else is a mountain to you and you have to judge yourself accordingly. Like maybe you weren’t able to clean the whole house, but washing the dishes and tidying your desk doesn’t usually get done but you did it. That that should be celebrated because while it would also feel good if you did more, you still did something and thats great all things considered.

100. are you a good liar?

sometimes, really depends what im lying about and if im like....into it at all. If my guts against it for whatever reason I’ll have trouble

101. what is your hogwarts house?

i always get slytherin or hufflepuff! usually with like 1 point difference

102. do you talk to yourself?

i am talking to myself right now as i fill this out

103. are you an introvert or an extrovert?

extrovert mainly! i used to think i was more introverted but now i think a lot of exhaustion when theres any comes from me just going the extra mile and actively trying to read people and pick up on social ques.... if I just chill im fine

104. do you keep a journal/diary?

nope...ive tried but i just cant keep up with it so i do the next best thing. shouting into the void on the internet to a bunch of strangers

105. do you believe in second chances?

depends on what you did the first time. Some people just don’t deserve taking that risk imo...but i can be a little guarded so maybe thats a bit too harsh

106. if you found a wallet full of money on the ground, what would you do?

turn it in, unless there was no identifying things in it & it was found somewhere kinda random. Then I’d maybe hold onto it unless my gut challenged that

107. do you believe that people are capable of change?

absolutely. i mean thats all we do throughout our lives is change and evolve...that being said I think extremely drastic changes are maybe not entirely impossible, but extremely rare, and the residue of the former self usually sticks around in some form

108. are you ticklish?

yes, dangerously so

109. have you ever been on a plane?

nope

110. do you have any piercings?

one day hopefully!

111. what fictional character do you wish was real?

asra from the arcana.....even if he wasn’t my boyfriend thats just a dude u could chill and eat some pomegranates with u know. Before I downloaded the app my friends kept telling me he was made for me and he really was he ticks like everything on my Favorite Characters Feature List except villain but he has that particular allure & attitude i like so much in villains so thats not a single point off hes perfect

112. do you have any tattoos?

nope...one day! hopefully!

113. what is the best decision that you’ve made in your life so far?

accepting my genderqueerness and bisexuality definitely. Self Love hasn’t been perfected just yet but that was such a huge step in the right direction

114. do you believe in karma?

yes! she doesn’t get shit done as much as id like however

115. do you wear glasses or contacts?

glasses. not contacts yet because my eye doctor is a bitch

116. do you want children?

I do....just not sure if id be a good parent. Its really important to me if I had a child itd be for the right reason and I could raise them well in a healthy environment & be able to take care of all their needs yknow

117. who is the smartest person you know?

probably my friend jojo

118. what is your most embarrassing memory?

one time i looked outside and the sunset was really pretty and i wanted to get a photo of it so i walked out.....and stood like right by the street so there weren’t trees in my way...and then i realized mid-pic 1) i am not wearing pants & my shirt is full of holes 2) id been depressed for days so my hair was a tangled mess. I tailed it back inside so i didnt even get a nice pic it was blurry!

119. have you ever pulled an all-nighter?

120. what colour are most of you clothes?

black i didnt even have to think about that one

121. do you like adventures?

they are pretty swell

122. have you ever been on tv?

a few times when i was little. always photobombing the news reporters 4 what i thought would eventually lead 2 fame & fortune

123. how old are you?

21

124. what is your favorite movie quote?

this is technically lyrics to that lil song in moana at the end but

“ They have stolen the heart from inside you. But this does not define you.”

hits me hard every time! emotional impact? i know her

125. sweet or savory?

sweet!!!!!!!! gotta balance out my bitter somehow

[thesarcastictree]

Chapter 1 - Play of the game

Hey, everyone! 

Author’s note: I did it! The first, however a shorter, part is out. I hope you’re gonna enjoy it. Remember - sharing is caring. ^-^

For my lovely best friend Susan, because she loves when I mention her.

Words: 3063

You have 1 new message.

I rolled my eyes as I heard the painfully familiar vibration coming off from under the pillow. My eyes hurt and my face felt disgusting, blaming the fact I again didn't take off my make­-up before taking an obligatory nap. The yawn was long, making me feel dizzy. I put my hand under the cushion, palpating a rectangularly shaped object, taking it out. 

Unlocking the screen of my phone, I sighed. Had I really been sleeping for only thirty minutes? I quickly tapped in the passcode, internally satisfying my clumsy self, since I hadn't made any mistake in the four meaningless numbers. 

Another message popped up, as my eyes met with the bright white chat.

forever alone bitch: YOU SLEPT ENOUGH COME PLAY noodle mommy: what  noodle mommy: did you seriously wake me up because of stupid ow forever alone bitch: yes now come  forever alone bitch: i wanna play compets noodle mommy: geez, ok noodle mommy: gimme five minutes forever alone bitch: gg noodle mommy: ??? forever alone bitch: you and your five minutes

I chuckled, shaking my head. Somehow, I managed to get off my bed in a record time. The procedure of undoing the paint I had stuffed onto my skin was, as well, quite quick. In a while, I sat down onto a spinning chair, putting on the headphones, giving up on the ball of cables that fell into my lap. As I waited for the Blizzard app to start, I swiftly found the playlist that had been my companion for a few months now. The brisk tones of one of my favorite songs hit my ears, and I laughed at myself and at my poor attempts of singing in Korean. "Geu bojogaen illegal, ille~~gal," I sang quietly, tapping the tips of my fingers in the rhytm, "but I want it anyway, anyway, anywa-" The invite to the group hit my screen, as soon as I got to the loaded menu. I, of course, accepted, joining the voice chat right after.

uncleREYES has joined the voice chat.

"Yo, nibblet, what's up?" I asked with a hoarse vocal, caused by the lack of usage. I got literally no response. Letting out a quiet sigh, the sudden hyped sound made me jump in my seat. "HELLO, HELLO, IT'S YOUR GIIIIR-" The microphone cut off.  "Yeah, hi," laughing, I started the queue for competitives. "-lright, you should totally see the video I sent you, because I'm fucking crying again. Why is MCCree so perfect? Why does Hanzo have to die in every fanfiction? Why can't they just be happy?!" Sometimes, I wondered how she was able to be hysterical over two characters from a game, but then again, I wasn't different. 

Well, okay, I agree. My obsession had gone perhaps too far, being it a few Korean idols, which made it even more difficult. They were real. They existed. They breathed the same air like I did, and their faces were literally everywhere I looked; printed on my phone case, set on my wallpapers - I even had a goddamn pillow case with Taehyung's face, biting his lip in the most seductive way ever. "You need help," I responded to her autistic screeching, glancing at the timer passing by the second minute.  "... and you are the one to say that." Susan barked back with ease. "Yeah, you're right. We both need help."

Susan and I, we had been friends since... pretty much forever. I met her during the start of the first year, as my kind of crazy classmate, also being an idiot into games. We'd argued for a few times, even stopped talking for another few months, but at the end of the day, noone could ever split our brotherhood, as we called it, apart. And there we were, the partners in any crime. However, little did we both know that the upcoming minutes were going to completely change our lives, for good. 

GAME FOUND! Joining the game...

Both of us went silent, as the map of Volskaya Industries showed, together with the name and rank lists of both teams. I briefly went through the players, and... something seemed off. 

"Susan?" I asked, frowning. She responded with a silent, almost unhearable: "Hm?"  "Don't panic, okay? We have a fallen diamond Widowmaker main against us, low plat, in premade with two other platinums," I began, taking a deep breath. It wouldn't be a big deal, if I wasn't a borderline golden rank, and my comrade a bit higher gold. Was our elo getting bigger, or did we just get randomly filled into the missing places of a long-buffering game? I cracked my knuckles, checking out the others' mains, even more confused. "How the hell am I not supposed to panic? I'll just play goddamn D.va, I'm not feeling the Ryu ga wagateki go-fuck yourself tonight." I let out a desperate laugh. "Yeah, enjoy it. One of the... well, the GucciBoy has about 100 hours on D.va. They have a 120 hours MCCree main too, what the fuck?" I whined, comparing the composition of our teams together. We seemingly stood no chance, yet I didn't feel like giving up.  I chose Mercy, even though I wasn't a big fan of her pick. I decided to go for certain, stable decisions, instead of a Hanzo or Widow, and it seemed like I perfectly fullfilled the expectations of our teamcomp. 

My attention, while we waited for the doors on attack to open, got caught by the allchat, as I smiled cheekily.

[ALL] Bunny: sugacheonjae? my ass... [ALL] GucciB0i: LMAO  [ALL] TuandonJuan: IT'S HIGH NOON SOMEWHERE IN THE WORLD

Susan's next yak reminded me of a dying whale, but I decided to ignore it. 

[ALL] uncleREYES: YES IN MY BED [ALL] TuandonJuan: GIVE ME YOUR ADDRESS HUCKLEBERRY

"I'm so adding him!" she hissed happily, as I heard the furious clicks of a mouse. We had about twenty seconds towards the beginning, and for some reason, I felt nervous. 

[ALL] Bunny: what is it, suga, you scared? [ALL] SugaCheonjae: Excuse me?  [ALL] Bunny: ;) 

That was the last hit my ego could take. I filled in with my Odile Widowmaker instead, ignoring the desperate cries for a switch back, as I just simply muted the teamchat. 

[ALL] xHeroO: can u pls report widow shes trolling [ALL] uncleREYES: can you please stfu and play, she's good  [ALL] Bunny: we will see about that [ALL] TuandonJuan: uuu [ALL] GucciB0i: spicy, I like that

"It's fine, yo, I muted them, anyway." I whispered to the microphone, to prevent Susy from distracting herself on pointless arguments with some kids. Wrapping my fingers tightly around the mouse, I covered the red light with my palm. The three of the enemy premades started to slowly dip over the edge of the cup of patience, that had already been pretty full.  The last seconds disappeared, and we rushed out of the building, with Reinhardt's shield leading us towards the point we were supposed to capture. I hooked myself at the edge of another house, dragging myself up in a long jump. Seeing the Symmetra's sentry turrets in the scope, I sighed, knowing already that it'd be pretty difficult to get over the arc, and then my point of view disappeared.  "Shit..." I cursed under my breath, waiting for the respawn. The first kill of the game was shining in the corner, as Bunny eliminated my courageous positioning. 

[ALL] Bunny: :) 

"Motherfucker."  Susy cleared out her throat with a loud cough, and before I tried to shut her up, her words pierced my ears: "Calm down, Natalie, you got this."  I nodded, not quite sure of myself, but I did. I truly also didn't feel like losing against a bunch of pricky platinum asses. Susy flew behind the entrance through the arc, destroying the sentry turrets, and losing her Mecha in exchange. Low on health, she jumped behind the corner, meeting up with Reinhardt's half-destroyed shield and Zenyatta's healing orb. I took a deep breath. It was my time to shine. I dediced to not make the same mistake twice. Instead of jumping on a visible place, I slowly looked out from behind one of the slopes, with my rifle scoped into the enemy team. At first, I couldn't quite spot a single thing not hidden behind Orisa's barrier, but then Symmetra made a simple, greedy mistake. I found the weak spot, quickly eliminating one of their major defense mechanism, dying to a bullet of the enemy Widowmaker again, afterwards. 

[ALL] Bunny: nice try :) [ALL] SugaCheonjae: Are you always this annoying? 

The beeping of a movement around the point assured me that I made a great move. Symmetra was down, and after the death recap, their Mercy too. Roadhog's hook wasn't something she could just simply survive. I bit my lip. The only proper problem on their team was Widowmaker, killing our squishy damage dealers without a fuss.  "She's on the rooftop-" I grinned, victoriously, pinning down Bunny's killing spree with a precise headshot. Reinhardt's shield protected us in front of the enemy's D.va ultimate and mister High noon got a bullet back, thanks to Genji's deflection. I got to kill Orisa on low health, before she placed the barrier, as we successfully captured the first point.

[ALL] SugaCheonjae: Everything's alright down there? 

I mocked at the cockiness the enemy Widowmaker showed before, Susy's 'ooooh' giving me the courage I didn't even know I had. 

[ALL] Bunny: you're just lucky

Yeah, of course, I thought to myself, hitting one head after another. Not even three minutes into the end of our timer we'd captured the second point, setting the score to 2:0 for our team.  "Good job, they don't even know what hit 'em."  I loved the enthusiasm in my friend's voice. And she was right - after a bad start, we didn't even let them move from their attack spawn, as Susan's arrow hit every spotted movement, and I finished off the rest. We won, almost effortlessly claiming the clear score. The victory poses triked through my screen and Susy, all proud, screamed, watching the animation of Widowmaker swinging, with my name underneath.

Play of the game SUGACHEONJAE as WIDOWMAKER. 

I quickly recognized the one last seconds before we captured the last point of the objective.  "Now, watch this." I grinned, biting the side of my index finger. TuandonJuan fell first. D.va's mech disappeared in Susy's scattered arrows and I quickly dragged my mouse over, finding Widow's peaking head, shutting down even the Mercy's desperate try to resurrect their last hope. 

[ALL] GucciB0i: GG [ALL] TuandonJuan: I'll find you in another life, unclereyes [ALL] uncleREYES: ;-; [ALL] Bunny: I could really use a hug right now... 

"Tsk..." I snapped. Disrespectful idiot, no wonder he fell to such low elo. We returned back into the menu. "Let me just go grab a coffee, and we can continue," I announced, taking off the headphones, heading to the kitchen. It felt good, really. I'd always liked to prove my skill, especially to such douchebags. 

Returning back to my room, I silently closed the door, placing the cup next to my laptop. What caught my attention were the extra three icons next to ours, and the names shining bright in the groupchat. 

[GROUP] TuandonJuan: howdy [GROUP] GucciB0i: HOW ON EARTH DID YOU TWO GOT ONLY GOLD FROM PLACEMENTS, I DON'T GET IT [GROUP] uncleREYES: its called skill, something you dont have [GROUP] GucciB0i: that doesn't make any sense [GROUP] uncleREYES: jeff hates us [GROUP] GucciB0i: touché [GROUP] uncleREYES: :^) [GROUP] Bunny: what are we waiting for? [GROUP] uncleREYES: coffeegirl [GROUP] GucciB0i: why did I read cowgirl [GROUP] uncleREYES: I almost wrote cowboy tbh [GROUP] TuandonJuan: what do you mean cowboy, im here all the time darlin [GROUP] uncleREYES: >.> [GROUP] uncleREYES: voice? [GROUP] Bunny: I'll pass [GROUP] GucciB0i: YA BOIIIIIIIIIIII [GROUP] TuandonJuan: anything for you

I slammed the M key, muting my microphone, hearing the honest laugh of my bestfriend and two as loud voices. 

TO: uncleREYES: WHAT THE HELL, SUSAN?!  FROM: uncleREYES: come onnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn he mains mccree i love him  TO: uncleREYES: i'm not playing with the bitchass widow  FROM: uncleREYES: he isnt even talking FROM: uncleREYES: please FROM: uncleREYES: i'll buy you cigs TO: uncleREYES: ...

"Hey, you can start, I'm back." I jumped into their conversation, which madly whirled around the best MCCree skin. TuandonJuan's voice made me chuckle, because he'd just found out that Susy also loved the Lifesaver skin the most.  "Is it the best Widowmaker under the sun?" I sort of cringed at the weird accent of the GucciB0i, but I took the compliment, proudly.  "Well, I'm definitely not Bunny, so it has to be me?" I grinned, as Susy started the quickplay queue, relieved that we weren't going to tryhard, because honestly, I felt like I gave everything skillful I had left in the competive game. However, that didn't mean I was going to be an easy prey to make jokes of, still visibly hurt by the offensive humor from the game before.   "Oh, shit, you're my new best friend," GucciB0i's oddly famous deep voice responded. Susy almost immediately grunted back: "Fuck off, would you? The spot is already taken!"  "I hope the spot of your boyfriend isn't taken, uncleREYES, because I'd definitely want to nominate myself." I choked on the sip of coffee, clapping as soon as I placed the cup back at its spot. "Alright, that was just too fucking smooth," I hissed, shaking my head. I felt utterly happy, because Susan deserved an equally disabled person in her life, to weight off all the bad events from the past. 

FROM: uncleREYES: im FROM: uncleREYES: fucking FROM: uncleREYES: in FROM: uncleREYES: love FROM: uncleREYES: who is that guy TO: uncleREYES: XDDDD idk

"Talking behind our backs, much?" GucciB0i seemed to have ears everywhere.  "Maybe...?" I teasily asked, laughing it off. The silence got quickly filled by TuadonJuan's adoration towards Susy's McHanzo kink. 

It... somehow felt right, yet stupid. Bunny still hadn't spoken and I felt guilty for making fun of him, but the again, he was the same in the competitive. I shrugged it off, mindlessly skipping the songs, finally getting to a slower cover of Adam Levine's Lost Stars from Jungkook.

"Please, don't see, just a boy caught up in dreams and fanta~sies-" I quietly hummed to the rhytm, as we finally joined the Dorado map. I didn't make a big deal about them hearing me sing, because honestly, in the talk of those two it occured to be as effective as hearing of a deaf person. I remained silent for next few seconds, until Jungkook's soft voice reached the refrain.  "Damn, I love that boy." I scoffed. "Who? Who?!" I rolled my eyes for a hunderth time that evening. "Jungkook, who else could I mean?" The only response in suddenly quiet voicechat was careless Susy and her laughing voice. "Girl, you love everyone. You have a pillow with Taehyung's face, Suga in name, Jin on hoodie, you want to rap like Namjoon and dance like Hobi. And now you say you love Jungkook, I'm confused."  "It's not my fault, okay, they are all perfect, shut up!" I whined, covering my blushing face, even though noone could see me, both in the darkness and through the screen.  "Sure, whatever," she chuckled back, paying all of her attention to damage-boosting of TuandonJuan's ass, playing, surprisingly, McCree, again. I picked Ana, thoughtlessly shooting my darts at everything that moved, either reducing or adding up on health. 

The final push seemed to be endless, as we either died or killed during the overtime. Finally finishing charging up my ultimate, I nanoboosed Reaper, who completely cleared out the point of the enemies, scoring a precise teamkill. Briefly realizing it was Bunny, I coughed, trying to somehow sound friendlier than before.

"Good job, bunny boy," I cheered, watching the scenario all over again from his point of view in the play of the game. He seemed to unmute himself, because the icon of him talking showed. I was expecting everything but not what I heard. Listening to the cover of Lost Stars on replay still, I gasped, as Bunny murmured a modest, yet elated: "Thank you very much for your ultimate, Sugasuga." 

For a brief second I couldn't quite believe what I heard.

"Why do you sound exactly like Jungkook?" I said more to myself, than to him, completely amazed by the discovery. "Nah, he doesn't." Susy opposed, visibly still annoyed by his previous behavior.  "I agree, he sounds nothing like the korean dude," TuandonJuan's voice interfered, and I raised my eyebrows in surprise. "You know BTS?"  I caught him off guard, visibly.  He laughed, embrarassed: "Yeah, my-my little sister won't shut up about them."  I smiled. "That's... well, understandable." 

"Aight, I agree with Sugasuga, though, he has something that makes him sound like Jungkook, but not quit-"  "Can you not compare me to that gaypop shit? Thank you." Bunny's voice went off again, and I scowled. "Did I say something wrong?" 

"Nah, he is... acting like an ass, tonight. You know, periods-" I held back my laughter. Guccib0i was cool, I could give Susy that. "Don't even fucking get me started about the periods, dude," she hissed, and I just legitimately bursted out, together with the others.

[GROUP] Bunny: fuck you too, T

We managed to play a few more games, before we said all the goodnights, and thanks for playing. I turned off the laptop, wiping my eyes, sliding under the cold bedsheets with the phone in my hand. 

forever alone bitch: told you they are not so bad noodle mommy: yeah, BUT im lowkey crushing on Bunny's voice forever alone bitch: wtf noodle mommy: fuck him though, GucciB0i is the S H I T  forever alone bitch: yeah we ship you two noodle mommy: "we"?  forever alone bitch: mark and me noodle mommy: ???? forever alone bitch: last seen a minute ago

Susan was right, though. They didn't seem like bad people. We had some decent laughs and giggles, plus, the GucciB0i turned out to be a pretty huge fanboy of Taehyung. 

Somehow, I couldn't wait for the next night, because that was the time we estabilished as another gaming session. I closed my eyes, hugging Taehyung's stuffed face, with a dorky smile, first time in a while feeling upon satisfied with how the day had ended,

[simkjrs]

ch6 asks, cont’d.

Anonymous said: read the latest chapter and honestly even though im screaming in agony, i absolutely love this drama. i really cant wait to see where youre going with this. it also makes me happy to see you make so many good characters autistic, it feels nice to be able to relate to actions. also, izuku's entire internal conflict in this chapter? BIG MOOD.

fdjdkljf happy to hear someone’s enjoying it!! also, thank you for the feedback -- it’s nice to know that i’ve done alright,representation-wise. :^)

Anonymous said: just wanted to tell you that i'm at the spot when izuku basically tells it like it is to kacchan. and it's pretty much spot on. from what i can tell. from real life experiences. I sincerely hope that this time in your life is past if you've had to experience something like this or you have people you can turn to. otherwise, dude, you are scarily good at writing. i'm seriously afraid of how this conversation is going to turn out. the chapter's really beautiful and honestly just inspiring. thank u

this is such a nice ask i didnt know what to do with myself after reading it? 

no comment on my real life situation except that everything’s fine right now. i haven’t experienced everything that izuku is dealing with (or at least.. not to that degree?) SO i’m just extrapolating beyond my own life & experiences, and also incorporating what i’ve learned by reading through accounts by people who have actually lived through these things. thank you for writing in, and thank you for your concern 

@ceilingbattles​ said: I just wanted to say thank you so much for the new chapter <3 honestly its my favourite fanfiction, and I just really appreciate all the work you put into it, its amazing!!! (I don't have an ao3 account, just really wanted to let you know). Also just wow. that was a chapter. 100% worth it, I will read it repetitively on my phone as I have the rest of the fic.

thank you!! it’s really nice to hear that, and i feel incredibly honored to have written someone’s favorite fic. i hope it continues to live up to your expectations!

Anonymous said: i feel like byggualom! izuku and suneater would get along very well. kindred spirits kinda thing

both of them have massive anxiety so they can definitely empathize with each other, and i think izuku would do his best to accommodate suneater! it would be really exhausting for izuku though, i think, so while they’d get along well i don’t know if they’d be good for each other for extended periods of time. anxiety echo chamber

@aliceofbrokendreams​ said: Can I give you a hug? Cause if writing the first half invoked as much emotion as it did in me reading it, you should have one.

yeah... it was really hard writing this chapter. thank you 

@slightlyobssesive​ said: I would just like to say that this chapter took me four hours to read and then another one to compose myself to type this. On one hand I absolutely adore you because some parts had me so happy and the portrayal of Izuku's abuse is handled so well. On the other hand though I am cradling my heart that has been shattered into about 3 million pieces and screaming why because this chapter emotionally destroyed me. I cannot properly express my current feelings in this small amount of space just WHYYYY

im sorry but also im completely not sorry, THANK YOU FOR READING DESPITE YOUR DEEP PERSONAL SUFFERING 

and also thanks for your feedback re: the representation of izuku’s abuse! i’m glad i was able to convey it well!

@abrcmhatford​ said: i uh wanna say that i really appreciate how you're handling izuku's reaction to realizing that yeah, it was abuse, because people brush over the recovery a lot, and i've been in izuku's shoes and i think you captured the entirety of it really well. it's rough and it's really hard and it's still hard and i like how you didn't just ignore the gritty details and kept pushing. thanks

yeah! i wanted to write something that was about recovery, and moving forward, and doing your best despite your circumstances. i pulled on my own experiences with depression and other things to try and write this, and what i learned, so... i’m happy to hear it resonated with someone else too. i hope that you’re out of that situation now, and that things are better for you. thank you for your feedback. it means a lot to me. 

@angryqueermermaid​ said: you. absolute motherfucker.

alright now that name calling is out of the way I must say that you have the BEST portrayal of depression and anxiety I have EVER seen. like. holy shit my guy. the entire ch I was just like. "same? same. SAME." and, well, while that was a fucking kick in the pants, it was so.... confusingly cathartic??? in a good way??? to watch izuku struggle with the shit I have felt, in ALL aspects of life like being vunerable and/or high energy/socialization settings. fucking. GOD MY KOKORO.

FUCK WHAT I'M TRYING TO IS THAT YOU DID GOOD

i once saw a quote that said something like, “if you want to make someone a monster to society, first make sure they never see themselves in your stories.” it’s a morbid quote, but i feel like it explains well why it’s so meaningful when you see yourself reflected in a story. i know the first time i read a chinese-american protagonist, and one who wasn’t interested in romance to boot, i was in junior high and it made me so happy because i’d never had that representation before. 

that’s one of the reasons i write so many characters with mental illnesses or trauma -- i don’t see enough of us in mainstream stories, and i think those stories need to be told, just so we can remember that we aren’t alone. i’m really glad you found catharsis reading chapter 6, and that i was able to catch some of those struggles you go through. thank you for writing in!

Anonymous said: OF COURSE YOU POSTED YOUR LONG-AWAITED SIXTH CHAPTER IN JUNE

and yet, i missed the anniversary!!!! a failure!!!!

Anonymous said: sometimes I just go to your blog to make sure you're okay. like of you're blogging then you're either okay or trying your hardest

i’m not actually sure if this was a ch6 asks but it was sent with the rest so. thank you. it soothes me to know that someone out there is thinking of my wellbeing, because i sure don’t and i guess someone has to. (but in all seriousness, that’s really sweet)

Anonymous said: Hey! I just wanted to let you know that I loved the chapter 6 a lot! As a writer, I can understand not being entirely happy with your work, but as someone who recently got out of a very unhealthy situation, it makes me happy that you put it up anyway! Izuku's recovery mimicked mine in a lot of ways, especially the coming to terms with it. His talk with Yagi about grief hit very close to home, but also was very inspiring, if that makes any sense!! So sincerely, thank you so much! ^u^

i’m really happy to hear that!! i tried to catch the feeling / moment i had when i was getting through my depression, where for two weeks or so i was so miserable all the time and just wanted to... stop. it’s hard to explain, but one day i got up in the morning and knew that i was just tired of all this, tired of stagnating in the same place and tired of being miserable all the time, and maybe i couldn’t get rid of my depression but at the very least i had to try. if i was able to convey any of that through izuku’s conversation with yagi, then i’m satisfied. thank you!!

Anonymous said: Thank you for sharing your writing with us

and thank you for appreciating it! <3

@chocowl​ said:  From start to end this was a rly good chap. The recovery process, the relationships, and everything else was so good. I esp liked how Izuku mobilised his network and how Katsu got some Consequences. And Mitoki... much gold as always! Altogether: thank you for this journey! I loved it and i love you for creating such amazing content. Ihope you have an amazing day and time! :) xoxo

(sorry i split up your asks into two different posts! categorization purposes...)

i’m really glad you enjoyed that!! i worked so hard on the emotional atmosphere of this chapter, haha. glad to see it paid off. <3 <3 thank you for all your feedback, too, and also the really nice art you’ve made for me!

Anonymous said: someone made a pinterest board for The Fic! it looks p small rn (111 pins?) but its kinda cute

i don’t have a pinterest account so sadly i can’t zoom over and check it out, but wow... i’m really honored!! thank you for letting me know! 

Anonymous said: later, when Eri comes in- what would happen if byggualom!izuku was shot by Eri's quirk-removing drug? everyone's expecting something to happen but Izuku would be fine, considering he has no quirk (as far as he knows?)

muscular used izuku’s body to smash a concrete sidewalk into smithereens and izuku didn’t have so much as a scratch, one of the quirk-removing drugs’ bullets wouldn’t even have a chance. so actually, everyone’s question would be “what the hell is up with your skin” 

anyways, if you’re wondering if we’ll ever get a reveal, don’t worry. it’s coming. :^)

[tigerdragon1001]

Warning: personal and gross medical/unsanitary stuff under the cut. I’d really appreciate letting me know if you read it though, because I’m having a hard time dealing with all this and could use reassurance or something.

I honestly think I’m going to die when I go overseas because I just... I have so much wrong with me. 

I’ll be alone, and I don’t have anyone I can truly confide in while I make friends, so I’m pretty sure my depression and anxiety will get worse, and I know I can’t afford to see a therapist in England. I’ll be sharing a house with 7 people that I don’t know, in a country I’ve never lived in before, but most people aren’t going to give me any leeway for not knowing how things work there because I look and somewhat sound like an English person, and have an English surname. I’m going to have to deal with sleep paralysis and hallucinations by myself and can’t leave any lights on at night to help because I’d wake the others up. I’m afraid I’ll struggle in classes due to being autistic (I was already having some difficulties in college) but my parents wouldn’t let me include that in my uni application because they’re still in denial. I can say goodbye to “special” tutor help then.

Meanwhile I recently found out that the “mild scoliosis” everyone thought I had was actually pretty bad, and that I also have chronic gastritis plus possible stomach ulcers that had been going on for 2 damn years without me knowing. So now I'm in physiotherapy for 4 hours a week, have to do a bunch of exercises every single day so I’m not crippled by 40, and have a long list of foods to avoid, which likely means I can’t eat out ever and will have to make all my own meals. A) The stuff I can’t eat anymore of course includes many cheap staple foods B) How am I going to juggle making food that meets very specific requirements over 3 times a day, every day, with all my work and exercises C) I’m shit at taking care of myself, often let myself starve, and the only reason I eat is because my mum makes food. Eating is one of the few things that brought me joy and now it’s a chore because I can only eat tiny, bland portions, have to chew until it’s liquid before I can swallow it, can’t do specific actions before and after eating, etc. I was on meds for 2 weeks but I still have some symptoms, the doctor says that’s just how it is. I actually hope I do have ulcers, because those at least can easily be cured with antibiotics. Results should come in later today so wish me luck in that department I guess.

The whole debacle has also made me super paranoid, because shortly before the whole gastritis thing I started shitting blood, and even though two different doctors have checked it out and said it’s not an issue, I’m so terrified about it and I’m scared every time I have to go to the bathroom. I’ve actually made myself constipated due to fear, which will probably make things worse if I do end up having a problem. Every time I feel a twinge in my gut I’m scared, and then my anxiety inevitably gives me stomach cramps and I feel even worse. If I’ve been having these two chronic conditions without anyone knowing, what if there’s something else wrong that they’re missing? What if my guts are just slowly rotting away and when other symptoms appear, it’s too late? What if the doctor has misinterpreted some of the symptoms as gastritis, and that’s why I haven’t been completely cured? I’m having a hard time trusting doctors now tbh because the first one DID misdiagnose me, and the second kept mixing shit up like how long I had to take the meds, what test I was doing for the ulcers, etc.

The worst part is that once I’m in England, I’ll have to stew in this worry, because English doctors, physiotherapists, dentists, anything medical are too expensive. I’ll only be able to see anyone when I get back to Malaysia, so I’ll have great big chunks of 3-6 months without receiving any care for either of my conditions, or even getting checkups. People assume I’ll be able to use the NHS but nope because of immigration fuckery I get the worst of both worlds. I was born and raised in Malaysia, so despite a British passport, Britain considers me a foreigner. Malaysia on the other hand, doesn’t give a shit that this is my home and birthplace and insists I’m a foreigner as well because British passport. I pay international rates in both countries for every service from schools to theme parks. And no free healthcare in Britain. Fantastic. Hong Kong doesn’t want to know from me either because I wasn’t born there, so screw your citizen mother. 

In conclusion: I think I’m either going to drop dead of a mystery intestinal illness, starve, or straight up kill myself for some semblance of control over my life.

[ecotone99]

[NF] VICARIOUS INTERLOPER

"An interloper, you say?," questioned my therapist, Dr. K, whose sudden change in tone gave away that he understood little of what I had just proclaimed. I had been visiting Dr. K for a while now, but he always seemed to find my declarations so peculiar, if not nonsensical. "Yes, Doc. An interloper in every place, an intruder in every situation. I just can't seem to find my spot in life. Even when I'm showered with praise I still see myself as being out of place..." The quadragenarian started rummaging through the papers he had placed on his desk at the beginning of the session. He didn't seem very preoccupied. I heard him murmuring. "Hmm, could be… imposter syndrome… but… that can't be all…" He looked back at me. "When did you start feeling what you just described?" I flashed back several years. I saw myself back in 2011. Sunny Monday, entering my classroom. All the other children were getting seated. The instructor had just begun taking attendance. I heard the names of everyone in the room, almost each one my friend. "Ryan Makhoul!" exclaimed our French teacher. "Present!" I shouted back, as I took my seat. "Good news today, students! Most of you did well on the writing test you sat for last week!" Her smile grew even larger before she spoke again. "And please, everyone, let's all applaud Ryan for his excellent work! The text he wrote is an absolute pleasure to read!" Everyone complied. The classroom was filled with the claps of my young colleagues. It wasn't the first time this happened. Everyone was used to praising the top students. I wasn't the only one to get praised but I did have that honor many times. I collected my paper. 19.5/20. I was baffled. This is where I felt the strangest I had ever felt. I always think fast, but the thoughts in my head were too overwhelming to consciously process. "That's not me." "That can't be me". "I must have cheated." I was so deep in thought I almost didn't hear the tutor asking me if she could keep the paper to show other students. As I accepted, and went back to my seat, came the congratulations from my classmates and friends, which as always filled me with joy. "That was in 2011, true? Yes, I saw your grades and teacher's remarks from that year. Unanimously recognized as a brilliant student and model for his co-learners." The psychologist's voice brought me back to reality. "But Ryan, a simple, treatable obsession like this can't be what pushed you to seek help in the fall of 2013, am I correct? What else did you experience during or before that period?" I was about to complain that he always asked me the same question, before coming back to reason. While it was true I always told him that most of my problems started after 2012, we had never really analyzed what could have caused this sudden change of behavior on my part. So I tried to make sense of it all. I was 19 today, much more able to understand what was done wrong by me or external parties. But the many years since those times fogged my memories. "I had a happy childhood Doc. Even before I started school. My family used to live in the North, Akkar, where my father was born, but then we moved to Naccache and I got accepted in my former school in Achrafieh. I never saw war, famine, death. My friends were amazing people. So I cannot conclude but one thing: all that happened is my fault, even if I never wanted it." "What did you do wrong, Ryan? I've seen you for less than a year, we never went this far back. Every time you come see me you blame someone old or new for insulting or cutting you out of their life. You say everyone hates you but that only happened recently!" "Low confidence and zero self esteem will do that to you Doc, and my levels of both have been really low for quite some time. Probably 8 years now, I haven't felt worthy of being loved by anyone. Not even my own family…" "Let me tell you what I felt the school year of 2013. I mostly still had many loyal friends and people who cared about me, but by the end of the year I found myself alone. I fell into a deep depression which lasts to this day. It didn't let me think clearly. All I could think of was that I was being abandoned by everyone. But it turned out to be the other way around. I developed severe social anxiety and just couldn't even dare to talk to anyone. Quickly my reputation changed from "Popular fun guy" to "Silent nerdy guy who never makes eye contact". I slowly started being avoided. People probably thought I was annoyed by social interaction and left me space, but the truth was I never liked anything more than having friends." "And that's when you sought help," stated Dr. K. matter-of-factly. "Yes, but I never truly had much hope of getting better. I visited so many psychologists before coming here. None of them helped. Most rejected me. One insulted me in front of her whole waiting room; calling me stupid, and probably autistic." "I hated my time with most of those charlatans. They addressed everything but the real problem. One told me to stop playing video games, as if that even mattered." "Even you, Dr. K, give me no hope. I am simply here today because I have nothing more productive to do." K. seemed to ignore me. He wrote something on his paper. Then he exclaimed: "That's all for today. I'll see you tomorrow in the morning. Sleep well!" He left the room. I was alone again in this tiny hospital room. White bland walls, a white bed, and a brown chair. I started remembering the year I had spent eight continuous months in this very same cramped room. Back then my social anxiety was at an extreme. I simply refused visitors. One friend from school came ro surprise me, and as he finished his visit I asked for a "No Visitors" sign to be posted on my door. Eight months. I missed so much of school. I don't know where my classmates thought I had disappeared to, and everytime I tried to think about it, the same thoughts went through my head: "Good riddance…" "I hope he doesn't come back…" So I tried to forget everyone and everything. I wasn't hospitalized on the grounds of insanity or something else. I was taking antidepressants before and they seemed to have no effect on me, which prompted a hospital stay that permitted doctors to monitor me around the clock. Unfortunately nothing worked. I spent 8 months in a tiny bed doing nothing. What should have been good for me ended up worsening both my mental health and social life. Some time before the stay was supposed to end, I was forced (forced!) to undergo about 30 sessions of ECT. For the uninitiated, ECT is basically electric shocks to the brain. You see it prominently in movies about mental asylums. As I was put to sleep beforehand, these sessions were painless. But I would have preferred to feel pain rather than ECT's major side effect: memory loss. I forgot so many people, animals and objects dear to my heart. I was reassured it would all come back, but to this day nothing did. I forgot the year I spent with the class one year younger than mine. I would feel so ashamed of myself when one of them would say "Hi" to me but I couldn't remember their name. Some had come to my birthday, and I had forgotten even that. Only the pictures seemed to help. I don't remember why I was discharged after those 8 months. The most probable thing to have happened is that the doctors noticed I was getting better, but I was probably acting. I absolutely could not stay a day longer. However, if I had truly gotten better, why did I get readmitted only a short while later? By force, too. I still remember. It traumatized me. Getting grabbed by multiple older and bulkier men. "We're doing this to save you", they said. I felt cornered like an animal in a slaughterhouse. My self-defence instinct kicked in, and my rage was insufferable. An unwinnable, one-sided brawl started. Many, including me, bleeded, but my adrenaline dulled the agony. The fight only halted when I heard a crack. The pain I felt when the security guards broke one of my ribs was insurmountable. I kneeled, then fell over. That was their opportunity to inject me with a tranquilizer which left me defenseless. I could only watch as I was transported to my room, and accepted the fact I would still be prisoner for a long while, not only in this infernal place, but also staring at my own miserable perception of life.

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[aniseandspearmint]

I LIVE!!! Both me and Mom, and all the dogs survived the move! 

HOWEVER

Much fuckery went down. Holy GOD, did so much fuckery happen.

Said fuckery has culminated in me NEVER EVER speaking to my former landladies EVER again if I have anything to say about it.

I’ll go into more detail under a cut, because it is a LONG story, for people who want a more in depth telling, but the short version is this;

Landlady, her kids, and a friend of hers ‘helped’ us  move. 

They outright abandoned most of our ‘junk/trash/shit’ (their words) furniture at our old house. This was because the ‘truck was full’, but really because they didn’t know how to pack a truck right. There was a TON of room. 

They decided our fridge was ‘too heavy’ to move and opened it and dumped damn near everything in it onto the floor and left it there. I had just bought most of that food.

Our full dog food bin was left there. MY MOTHER’S BED was left there. Our desk. Our dining room table that was older than me. Gone.

All but one bag of my mother’s sanitary necessities (they apparently refused to touch anything in our bathroom, which I had no idea about until we had left).

After we got to our new place, they started to literally throw things out of the truck. A lot of our things are broken now.

So, HELP! HELP HELP HELP, WE HAVE NO DOG FOOD! I AM BEGGING HERE. Also, mom’s 2 unopened packages of incontinence pads were left too (I had NO IDEA until they’d already dropped us down here). She had half a package tucked into an overnight bag, but that’s all she’s got.

LINK TO REVISED WALMART REGISTRY

There’s still some other things on it, like cleaning products, which would be nice and helpful since I think a lot of those things got abandoned too, but DOG FOOD. P L E A S E.

I’m not worried about us having food, we’ll figure something out, but my PUPPIES.

Behold, the story of our move, worthy of a fucking Jerry Springer episode.

My landlady offered to help us move MONTHS ago, knowing Mom couldn’t drive anymore, and I’ve never been able to. This was a MAJOR relief and help. I gladly accepted.

We went and rented a truck, and stopped off at our old storage unit to get that first. We were not able to get everything, or even most of it because of a damaged door and a severe mold problem that destroyed a LOT of our stuff. Mom is pretty devastated, because a lot of it was my grandmothers, and we had some heavy furniture in there that I wasn’t able to lift out even with landlady and her kid helping.

So, I got what I could, and we headed home. Then, the next day, I loaded everything I had been able to pre-pack on the truck, after spending several hours rearranging what my landlady had loaded on because she’d simply laid everything in a single layer on the bed of the truck. I did this all by myself, in the 98 degree heat.

There were still things that needed packing in the house, because, you know, there are a lot of things that require day of move packing since it’s stuff that is in constant use! And I was a bit behind due to being really sick earlier that week. I confirmed that we’d be trying to leave by 1PM the next day, then got to work on packing more and then washing some of our older, least moved furniture off. I went to bed around 3AM.

I woke up around 8AM, got Mom up and gave her something to eat, then started packing up everything in the kitchen, expecting my landlady to show up any minute so we could start moving the furniture out.

Hah, yeah, that didn’t happen. 9, 10, 11, no one shows or answers any of my messages. Around noon I’m lowkey panicking and shoving down the urge to vibrate out of my skin because WHERE ARE THEY?!? when my landlady finally shows up and is like, ‘Okay, is everything done?’

And I’m like, ‘W H A T??? N O??? W H E R E  H A V E  Y O U  B E E N???’

But I was like, ‘okay, no, never mind, I’ve just got a bunch of loose stuff left mostly, and our most worn clothes and stuff, and the furniture.’

Right about then is when things went to hell in a handbasket. Her friend who came to help heads in the house and informs my mom that, ‘Okay, we are leaving by 2PM, and what ever is still in here by then is staying here.’

Which, wow, BAD thing to say to my mother. They start a screaming at each other. I missed most of the specifics but it was mostly Mom being very offended at being told what to do by a /complete stranger/, landlady’s friend pointedly calling Mom a hoarder (she is NOT a hoarder at all).

Landladies son and her friend bring in a dolly so we can all get the fridge out. I step into the other room to grab the duct tape to make sure the doors stay closed.

Friend opens the doors and decides that the food in the fridge part and the frozen water bottles in the freezer (note: I filled and froze those SPECIFICALLY because I knew we wouldn’t be able to get our water turned on on the weekend) make it too heavy and proceeds to start tossing it all out on the floor.

I get back in there just in time to see her about to toss my favorite mug in the trash pile. I started screaming, going into a full melt down upon seeing all the food I bought TWO DAMN DAYS AGO in a heap on the floor.

She starts screaming in my face. I don’t really remember what she said frankly, though Mom says she was threatening to slap me to make me ‘snap out of it’.

I forced myself out of my screaming melt down, kinda, and started taking things out to the truck again, while they all abandoned me to take a 20 minute break in their air conditioned house. They took like, four more 20-30 minute breaks while I kept packing too, and bitched me out if I so much as leaned against the house for a minute. I was in a bit of a shocky daze at this point, and ended up having like, two or three more panic attack/melt downs, getting yelled at by pretty much everyone there, and Mom had two more screaming matched with that bitch.

Around 3PM- very late but that’s what happens when you shove the autistic person into three or four melt downs, they decided the truck was ‘full’ (again, NOT FULL, they were just fucking BAD at packing) and tried to close it. I managed to argue it open for a few more minutes while I threw on as much of our garden supplies and tools as I could. They refused to help me with any of the furniture left, and it was all too much for me to move alone.

I was then given a few minutes to go get my Mom dressed to go, and gather up the dogs. I’m pretty much constantly crying at this point, Mom is utterly furious to the point she’s feeling sick and dizzy (the’s already had three strokes, I was REALLY scared she was going to have another right then and there), and my dogs are hiding from all the yelling.

It takes more than a few minutes, but I manage to get Mom dressed and out the door, and coax my dogs out from under Mom’s bed. To clarify a thing, we had always planned on leaving the bed frame. Landlady had cheerfully told me that she had a bed frame we could have, and a few other bits of furniture we didn’t have too, if we wanted them. Of course, when I asked about them as we were leaving, I was informed that she hadn’t been able to get to them, sorry.

I helped Mom into the car, and THEY TRIED TO LEAVE HER WHEELCHAIR THERE (”But we already loaded a wheel chair onto the  truck! She doesn’t need two!” You mean the old one we keep for spare parts, morons?) Both me and Mom started yelling then, and they did actually agree to put it onto the truck.

We then spent 4 very uncomfortable hours in a car going across the state. Every time I tried to speak to my landlady or her kid who was driving, they turned the music up louder (christian rock, which is not only boring to listen to, it’s startlingly ironic for the situation i think). I’d been hoping to grab some sleep in the car, but couldn’t really with my teeth vibrating from the music.

We got to the new place just before dark, and they promptly a) hit the edge of my new neighbors roof with the truck, and B), opened up the back and started carting things out.

I foolishly assumed they’d be taking things IN THE HOUSE, so I rushed to open the front and back doors, then started carrying things in myself (Note: I was so damn tired at this point I was all but swaying on my feet.) It became evident that they were just dropping things on the side of the house and in the back yard after a few trips.

My tentative question about it was answered with a snarl about how they didn’t have TIME to take things in the house, because they had to return the truck before midnight. Right about then I also noticed that That Bitch was just out and out /throwing/ anything she felt was light weight enough onto the ground outside the truck ramp, or throwing onto the porch from the back of the truck.

I didn’t have time or the energy to get as upset as that deserved right then though. I did, however, climb into the back of the truck and start handing boxes down myself. At least I could try and mitigate the damage that way, and make sure she didn’t get handed anything precious and breakable. The one time I couldn’t manage to hand her like, books or something equally hard to damage, she outright scoffed (Exact words: ”Ooh, THey’RE FRAgilE!”) and snorted when I told her it was fragile (I /was/ later informed by my neighbor that one of the other people took them from her, and I did find those inside the back door later so at least one person wasn’t as big of a dick as they could have been I guess)

As soon as the last box was out, landlady’s son swept it out (right onto some of our bedding, gee, thanks for that) and pulled it down the street.

MEANWHILE, I hear screaming and yelling from the car. That Bitch had just tried to grab a crate full of dogs out of the back, despite the clear warning signs that our dogs did NOT like her, and were threatening to bite her if she stuck her fingers in there.

Mom tried to tell her to stop, don’t do it, they will BITE YOU YOU STUPID BITCH, etc. But she refuse to listen. Given that biting dogs are almost unilaterally KILLED in this state no matter the circumstances, Mom did the only thing she could think of to get her to stop.

She took the open water bottle in her hand and squeezed it at the woman, dousing her in it. It did get her to stop. She then lunged at Mom, screaming obscenities while my landlady held her back. Not being able to hit Mom like she wanted, she spit in her face instead.

They left shortly after, though they DID at least help me get Mom inside, my landlady passive aggressively saying that she’d fill the truck’s tank up herself and ‘eat the charge’. I told her, no, I would pay her back. She made some vague ‘whatever’ gesture and left.

I spent that first night toting things in the house until I literally could not walk (til about 6AM), then covered what was left with tarps (one kudo to landlady, she bought those and didn’t ask for any money back for them). It still didn’t save some things from rain damage.

A loose list of broken things;

- mom’s terracotta strawberry pot (set of 2, but only one broke thankfully)

- Several smaller plain terracotta pots. (Not expensive ones or anything, but still.

- our filing cabinet (SOMEONE put it on the ground upside down, then put a giant box of books on it, which caved it in)

- my grandmother’s last few wild rose dishes (these were in a box deemed ‘light weight’ by that woman and thrown out beside the truck)

- my grandmother’s milk glass serving bowls (also deemed light and thus clearly nothing important. Silly me for packing them singly and with much care. It apparently made them too light to be dishes!)

- Someone stuck a package of fucking HAMBURGER in a box of dry goods. I didn’t find THAT little gem until this morning, so there’s even more food (all our tea and noodles and mixes) lost! (That HAD to have been done maliciously. There is NO ONE that stupid, right?)

- My food steamer was crushed because someone stacked a very heavy box of books on the box it was in.

- I STILL cannot find the box I wrapped most of our most loved and used dishes in.

- Several boxes of books were utterly destroyed by rain.

This is just off the top of my head, and I still haven’t gone through everything yet. I have spent SO MUCH of the last few days crying.

And then. 

A N D  T H E N.

Landlady has the nerve to call me and be all fucking HURT sounding that /we didn’t pay our electric bill/. She goes on for a bit about how she thought we were FRIENDS and that I am CLEARLY a terrible person and she has done ALL THESE THINGS for me in the past and just rants at me for a few minutes and then, before I can even speak, hangs up. 

And alright, no, we did not pay our electric bill. We weren’t sure we would have enough money to rent the truck if we did. So, we informed her around the 1st not to panic if she sees it unpaid because we WILL pay it! Just, after we move, we promise. Then, we had to wait until WE GOT INTERNET. Because you can’t pay a bill online WHEN YOU DON’T HAVE INTERNET.

It’s really funny. If she’s just waited until tomorrow, we’d have paid it in full, even after all that shit that went down while she was helping us move. We said we would after all. All 60 something dollars of it. Now though, now? She can go right to hell. /I/ was never a friend? I think she proved just what kind of a friend SHE was, while she let her bestie verbally abuse both me and my mother, SPIT in my mother’s face, AND throw our possessions around like they were less than trash, and said NOTHING while it happened. (She kept saying, pointedly, that she promised to help us, and she never goes back on her word, the clear petty implication being she wouldn’t be helping if she hadn’t already promised)

I would have been so unbelievably ASHAMED to treat anyone’s things the way they treated mine. It’s incomprehensible to me. I just- if you offer to do something like help someone move, you DO NOT treat them or their things like that. You treat other people’s things as well as you’d treat your most loved objects, no matter your personal thoughts about what they are. It doesn’t matter if it’s a box of things YOU think are junk or trash, you damn well treat it like GOLD. 

So, Yeah. How was everyone ELSES weekend?