#did this fic appeal to the most toxic parts of my personality? absolutely

[hwanghyunjinenthusiast]

hey nana!!! i read your mingyu, wonwoo and the chan, seungcheol, soonyoung smuts and i loved it!!!<3 i'm wondering if you could write a smut about my biases which are soonyoung, wonwoo and jihoon since after caratland i LOVEEE wonwoo with his glasses and how soonyoung and jihoon looked:) maybe have it like be vanilla? or it could be vanilla leading to hard sex which would be awesome,, i'm fine with anything!!! tsym nana!!💞

-🧽

Pairing: fem!reader x wonwoo x soonyoung x jihoon

Genre: smut

Word count: 5.8k

tags: mentions of alcohol, drunk sex, break ups, mention of cheating, swords crossing, cum swapping, cum eating, double pen, breast play, oral (giving and receiving), double oral(?), act of video recording sexual acts, praise kink, degradation, pet names (princess and baby), unprotected sex, creampie

Summary: The subway train? The bullet train? The soul train?? No...the only way off of heartbreak city is the Homie Train. Translation: do not spare a single one of your ex's friends. You will have to fuck every one of them. It's a guaranteed way.

author note: i kind went wild, i did my thing, i lost myself in sex, im here. with more filth. ha. haha. im ok, I promise. no I'm not

Tag: @shiningstar-byulxx @misssugarlips @tommolex @hoeforhao @honglynights @homerunhansol @dkakapizzaboy @junhui-recs @svtup @buffhoshi @meowmeowminnie @caratochan @lovebot4han

“Hae is a jerk. You’re better off.”

He did it over text. “We should see other people,” it said and all of a sudden, tears burned your eyes while your hands were scorching to the touch. You had an inkling this would happen but were not thinking it’d be this soon. Your boyfriend–well, now ex–always made you feel like you were never enough or didn’t care to put in effort despite the fact you were.

It perhaps started around your anniversary when you had planned a date night for just the two of you. Shock drew on your face when he entered the location with not only himself but his friends to follow, three in fact. 

Wonwoo, a fellow gamer he met through gaming tournaments and PC cafes. Soonyoung, a guy he met at an EDM concert around a year or two ago and never left. And finally, Jihoon, Soonyoung’s friend, someone just as uncomfortable as you were.

You pulled your boyfriend aside, saying you had only planned it to be a couples' night. It was then he insisted they’d only be here a short while. You’d still have their couple's night, and everything would be fine. But not a word of ‘anniversary’ once came up in the conversation. You should’ve known since then.

They had to have been the genuinely nicest guys you’ve ever encountered. No partner was perfect, but getting to know all three guys made you realize your boyfriend was far from it. Perhaps even the worse of the bunch. While Hae was preoccupied, Jihoon politely and quietly apologized. One, for overhearing your conversation, and two, for intruding on your night out.

You dismissed it, although bitter from the interruption, said what’s done is done and that you were still having a good time. It was the truth. Hae’s friends made good company, trying to make sure you were drinking enough water, eating enough food, and entertaining you just as much as they were each other.

At the end of the night, they were the ones insisting on getting you home early after your boyfriend rejected taking you home himself. 

You had done a lot of thinking since then, wondering how you came to this, when you realized they had followed you on social media, a universal sign of friendship. You talked with them more comfortably over time, seeing them almost as often as you did Hae, and eventually, they became your friends too. Despite that, your romantic relationship never improved and here you were, a blubbering mess in front of your new friends.

Wonwoo continued to hand you off tissues while Soonyoung pulled back your hair from covering your face. Jihoon, on the other hand, surfed Netflix for revenge movies that would take your mind off their stupid friend, if he could even call him that.

“Do Revenge, John Tucker Must Die, Carrie. Any of these sound appealing?”

“Why are they all high schoolers,” you asked, sniffling.

“Because teenagers are the most conniving, manipulative creatures on planet Earth. That's why they’re so good at revenge stories. Thought you could enjoy blowing off steam.”

You shook your head, blowing your nose into the cushion felt of the tissue before tossing it in a pile you made before they got here. “They all sound awful. Can’t we just skip to the end of The Glory when she finally gets her revenge on all of them?”

“No way,” Soonyoung retorted, “I just barely got through the curling iron parts. I can’t just skip…or I guess we could.”

He flipped the switch immediately after seeing the pitiful look on your face, caressing the side of your head to hinder any more tears from falling.

“We’ll do what you want,” Wonwoo assured, “as long as you start feeling better.”

He gave you your last tissue, and you mouthed a thank you before Jihoon put on the dark drama and you joined together on the couch. They made the process more manageable–not any less heartbreaking–but you couldn’t understand why it had hurt so hard. He had friends he treated well, better than you’ve ever seen. Why couldn’t he have done the same for you? 

You hadn’t planned on it, but the sun had gone down, and you were still accompanied by these three men, two deep in sleep. Meanwhile, Wonwoo had gone off to get himself water. “Want a cup?”

You trodded towards the tall man, still slumped from your emotions but accepting his glass as he poured himself a new one. “You guys didn’t have to come over.”

“Why wouldn’t we?”

You shrugged, “You were his friends first, I don’t know. Isn’t there bro code or something?”

He scoffed, “I think in these situations, we can figure out who’s in the wrong, and you’re perfect.”

Now it was your turn to scoff, finishing off the rest of your water before placing it to clean in the sink for your future self to clean. “If I’m so perfect, why would he break up with me?”

“I just told you. You’re perfect. Hae isn’t. He’s an idiot.”

“Wonwoo, he’s your friend.”

“Yeah, I don’t know about anymore,” he said, placing his empty cup next to yours.

“So what? You’re gonna stop being friends with him because he broke up with me?” You joked half-heartedly.

He thought for a second before nodding. “Yeah…I think that’s the right response.”

You didn’t expect it. This man, feelings more platonic than anything for you, has shown more loyalty to you in the past few months than your ex did in the past year. The tears were finally starting to come back. Wonwoo responded quickly and embraced you. His enormous arms tugged you against his broad upper body, his chin hugging the curve of your head, like two matching puzzle pieces. “I’m sorry you had to endure him. You deserve more than tolerance. You deserve love and care.”

You sobbed harder, staining the fabric of his sweater.

“Y/n, is that you crying? Not again.” Soonyoung quickly came by your side, joining you while a sleepy Jihoon quickly followed behind and embraced you just the same.

You had never felt warm like this. Three guys that had no ties to you besides someone you had a relationship with, now hugged you like they never wanted to let go. Had you met any of them before your ex, you wonder if you’d be crying the way you were now.

You didn’t want the night to end, so you insisted they stayed the night. You let borrow some oversize clothes that could probably fit them snugly and cracked open a few drinks to buzz out the emotions.

“I blame Soonyoung. He’s an awful judge of character. Too trusting.”

Jihoon was already off his rocker after a counted two bottles of soju. He did mention he hardly drank, but now you were understanding why.

“How was I supposed to know he was an asshole,” the culprit questioned, losing it after one singular bottle. This was more alike than they’d like to admit. “He was an alright guy then. A dick to girls too good for him though.”

Your cheeks heated up hearing that, finishing up your first bottle. 

“Like he plays Valo, he truly fumbled the bag right here.” Wonwoo slightly stirred, but still stood taller than the rest of them. 

You waved your hands in front of them dismissively. “Guys, stop. He–hic–don’t trash talk him just because of me.”

“We’ll do what we want!” Soonyoung shouted. “He’s the one that screwed up first! Imagine a beautiful, nice, pretty, gorgeous, sweet person like Y/n comes…and you break up with them! Huh? Math is nonexistent. I always hated algebra.”

Soonyoung began nodding his head on your shoulder like a lonesome pet, pouting aggressively. “So bad. Hae stupid. Stupid. Stupid just like algebra.”

“Soonyoung, water please,” you requested, nudging the bottle in his mouth, and relieved to see him accept it.

“Yeah, he’s not drinking anymore,” Wonwoo twisted the cap on the bottle with any remainder left and set it aside in a place Soonyoung couldn’t reach.

You sighed, hot in places that could only be done with high intakes of alcohol. You fell back against the sturdy couch as your thighs scratched over the surface of your carpet. “I feel like I haven’t said thank you enough. So, thank you.”

“You’ve said it plenty,” Wonwoo chuckled, “but good to see you happier.”

“You know what I want to see,” Jihoon interrupted, “Hae’s face seeing that we’re here instead of with him at the bar like he asked us to be. Fuck that guy! Y/n’s out here crying, and he wants to go out? Fuck you, Hae!”

Jihoon was one emotionally unstable drunk. You had never seen him like this before. Out of all the guys, he may have visibly disliked Hae the most, and right now it was definitely showing.

Soonyoung hugged your body with all his strength, nuzzling into you. “He sucks. Stupid Hae.”

“Enough, okay. Let’s not talk about him,” you commanded, a small pout of your own forming.

“If I dated Y/n, I’d show how special she is every day,” Soonyoung blubbered. “Give her all the kisses she wants, take her all the places she wants, drive her home, just to wake up in bed with her.”

You lightly nudged the giggly drunk, “Aw Soon…”

“If it were me,” Wonwoo joined, “I’d plan date nights without inviting my friends and it’d be the nicest place in town, spoil her until she beats 3-month-old milk. Make her feel like the only girl in the world.”

You sighed out of embarrassment, covering your face so they couldn’t see the cheesy ass smile that was forming involuntarily. “Wonwoo–”

“I’d just love her.” Jihoon had finally started sobering up to the point his words were comprehensive, but even then he didn’t sound fully there, like truth serum was doing the lord’s work in a way. “I’d do what Hae couldn’t and give her the most love I could ever give because if it was one thing Hae got I was jealous of, it was her love and undivided attention. He wasn’t worth any of it. Now it’s gone to waste.”

That may have hit you the hardest, feeling the waterworks building up again. You got up from the ground to wrap snugly around Jihoon, feeling him stiffen underneath you but reciprocating after taking the moment to process. His hand came up your back in an awkward loop, resting his head on your forehead as he let you cry. He didn’t say anything, but he figured it was what you wanted.

“I love you all,” you sobbed, pressing your lips on the curve of his cheek abruptly. “You’re so nice to me.”

“Y/n,” Jihoon said, now fully sober and conscious of a less-than-sober woman smothering him.

“I mean it,” You kissed the other side of his face, “You’re all the kindest,” –kiss– “Sweetest” –kiss— “Most tender loving guys I’ve ever met.”

You were stamping the man's face all over until you were toppling on top of him. His hands grip the base of your shoulders from falling face-first into his, but now you were staring back into his rounded eyes behind his spectacles. Forehead beaded with sweet, adam’s apple shifting from a harsh swallow, and his shallow rise and fall of his chest against yours. 

Your head was telling you all the right routes to take before you took the compulsive one and kissed his lips, grinding yourself on top of him. Jihoon eyes shot open before trying to move his head, away from your lips, slowly realizing he was succumbing to them.

“Y/n–” 

“Don’t leave, Jihoon,” You softly whined.

He pulled you up from the ground to place you back on the front of the couch, a phantom of your lips on his. “You’re drunk.”

“So?”

“You’re not in your right state of mind, Y/n,” Wonwoo intruded.

“Like I have been for the past years being with Hae? Like how I was so blind to see the signs of him….cheating on me?”

The surrounding men grew silent, unable to answer.

“You all knew–”

“We didn’t,” Jihoon denied, “We found out from Instagram. We were kept in the dark too.”

You let out a harsh breath, forearm pressed against your damp eyes.

“Fuck it,” Soonyoung spoke up in what felt like forever and pressed his lips against yours, finding you quick to respond.

You climbed against his lap before you started grinding, the salt of your tears slipping past your meshed lips. Your needy moans burned in the collective men’s ears, churning their stomachs, tightening their inseams, and Soonyoung became what they all envied. The outsiders scooted closer to the couple to get a clear view, heat radiating over their bodies hotter than any sun in the galaxy.

Only pure animal instinct ran through you, a longing to get off, gnawing at you like an insect. You ran your hand through his hair, pulling on it to emit his soft whines. Your abdomen tensed up, now pushing your weight against him until you could make the outline of his toned, fit body. 

He moaned your name helplessly, hands gathering the balls of your shirt into fists.

“Fuck me please,” you asked through weak whimpers, “Get him off me. Make him go away.”

At that moment, you knew exactly what you needed, sober or not. The image constantly ran through your mind of having dated one of them, any of them. They all would’ve had more potential of a happier future than you ever did with your ex.

Soonyoung completely understood, lifting your bodies from the ground and now on the couch. He shamelessly returned your kiss. His tongue moved at all angles for a taste, and the other men watched like the scene was a car crash, too mesmerized to look away, all while readjusting the discomfort in their pants.

Bothered by their needy presence so close, you pull away from Soonyoung to reunite with Jihoon, feeling more complacency than the initial kiss you shared. You cupped his face gingerly, stroking his soft features before taking his glasses off his face and placing it on the coffee table. 

Meanwhile, Soonyoung felt your skin smooth under his palm, tasting the tenderness of your neck. His hands crawled up your back, pawing at the band of your bra before releasing the clasps, your breasts falling gently from the lack of support. Slipping under the underwire, he kneaded your tender breasts, fingers finding your pebbled sensitivity before squeezing, your moans running up your throat.

Wonwoo kneeled with his face toward your back, hands following up your sides as his lips trailed up your spine in soft wonder. The whisper of his breath sends tingles to your body and you arch your back in surprise. This doesn’t scare you, as right now you showed no protest, but his hand hover over the top of your sweats, lightly pulling at the elastic. Cautiously, he slid past the thick material to find your folds, drenched under a mess of your own making. Vicious and thick under his fingers, Wonwoo groaned in your ear. “God, look how wet you are…”

You gasped against Jihoon’s lips as Wonwoo’s finger made himself slip up your fold, a thick layer of film wrapping around his fingers like honey. You shuddered before Jihoon grabbed your head and kissed you deeper, his free hand lost in the depth of the jeans he wore. It was all of the best world together happening simultaneously and now you couldn’t imagine having anything else like it.

“I need to be in you so badly,” Wonwoo grunted, pushing himself up the end of the couch to retrieve friction to his groin.

His fingers dug deeper inside, thumb caressing your clit, as his teeth grazed your skin. You pushed your weight into Soonyoung’s lap, feeling his cock throbbing beneath you. Flushed, you tore your shirt off, exposing your torso for others to worship, and that they did.

Their hands are entangled with your frame, wrapping around every surface of sweet skin. Slowly, one by one, each of them began to tore off the clothes, exposing themselves. Bodies on bodies of fire, inflamed with unbridled lust, determined to make all parts of you quiver under their touch. 

The couch wouldn’t have enough surface area, so they moved you to the bedroom. Jihoon’s hands were on your hips, and his lips peppered the nape of your neck. Soonyoung held up your front, latched on to your face with swollen lips. Meanwhile, Wonwoo closed the door behind them, stalking a beat later to enjoy the show.

Your bodies collapsed on the mattress and Soonyoung parted from you to allow Wonwoo access. Wonwoo towered over you, knee bent between your legs, lips languidly moving against yours. “What do you want?” He asked, kisses sweet and heated, “Let us give what your dumb boyfriend couldn’t.”

“Say the word, Y/n,” Soonyoung added, kissing your fingers, your palm, your wrist, and down your arm, “What will make you feel good?”

“Just…” you expelled desperate breath, “Fuck me, please.”

“You have to tell us, beautiful,” Jihoon’s fingers laced through your other hand, kissing the back of it, “What wouldn’t–or couldn’t–he do?”

“...eat me. He couldn’t eat me.”

Wonwoo grinned, “I’ve got that covered.”

You felt him kiss down your stomach, the pads of his fingers pressed into your flesh. His hands began to part your divide, lips tickling your inner thighs. You felt teeth, followed by relieved sighs as his fingers delicately brushed on your raw heat. “Of course, he couldn’t handle you. He wouldn’t know such a pretty pussy if it slapped him across the face.”

His lips gradually moved to the center, wrapping his lips around your entry as his eyes stared back at you like a deep void sucking you into its endless pit. His tongue licked your walls, earning a soft jump from you as Soonyoung and Jihoon help you down by your arms. A moan escapes your closed lips, your teeth driven into your bottom lip in anguish.

“She likes it,” Soonyoung commented amusedly.

“Well, I’m sure anything is better than that asshole…But Wonwoo doing it for you? His mouth feels good on your wet, needy pussy?”

Salvia caught in your throat, you fused into the sheets, “Fuck yes.”

Wonwoo chuckled against your skin before he faced you deeper, burning himself in your arousal until he was sure he’d drown in it. You were like honey on his tongue, rich and pure. Eating you out gave him all and more pleasure than a thousand hand jobs by a thousand of hands. You were pure ecstasy that had been forbidden from the very moment he laid his eyes on you. 

The only reason why he stayed friends with your ex for so long was his inner circle, including you. He endured every trash talk, every shit game, every extra hour session to improve Hae’s shitty hand coordination. It was worth it, at least now it was.

“He must be having a full course down there, you sound amazing,” Soonyoung whispered in your ear, hand fondling one breast, while Jihoon had the other. His lips were eating at your pebbled skin.

Your high only rose taller, your body tenser, and you can feel your skin swell up in heat as you clenched around Wonwoo’s tongue. Your climax gushed out of you like tree sap, coating his mouth in your warmth, dripping down from his lips to chin. He tasted what he only dreamt of, ecstasy and clouds. Only filthy.

He reached up to land your taste in your mouth. “How is it? Delicious, aren’t ya?”

“My turn,” Jihoon claimed your lips a second after, envy stemming from his lips as he tasted you himself. His stomach coiled over the filth in your mouth, pouring the thought of ruining you in his head. His cock throbbed at the image of being choked from your sopping cunt that he could only imagine felt good as it tasted. “I’ll get condoms.”

“Don’t.” You stopped, staring back into the man’s eyes in pleas. “I want to feel you, please.”

“Us? All of us?” Jihoon asked to confirm.

You gave him a definite nod, “I’m clean…and I’ve never let him touch me raw ever.”

“Are you sure, princess?” Wonwoo now asked, painfully aware of the offer hot on his fingertips.

“I-I trust you. Please…”

They briefed in quiet thought before agreeing, surrounding you at all sides. You reached up for Wonwoo, pulling him back on you with his cock thick and hard between his legs. Your hand went to claim him in your grip, stroking him from base to tip, the bulging veins up his shaft tingling at your fingertips.

“Careful there,” he cautioned, grinning, “you’ll make me get too excited.”

“That’s what I want,” you mused.

“Looks like Y/n is a little tease,” Soonyoung chuckled. “Let’s see if you can take what you dish.”

Jihoon came to your side before laying a hand on your pussy, lathering your moisture between his fingers and stretching open your folds. The curve of Wonwoo’s cock stood perfectly aligned at your entrance, wetting the head with a delectable sheen. He pushed himself in, savoring the safe haven that was your walls. It was the perfect stretch to his girth and he groaned at the plush felt, practically melting all around him. “Shit…”

“Look how good that pussy takes his cock, Hoon,” Soonyoung spoke, jaw dropped.

“Such a good little pussy,” Jihoon agreed, rubbing your clit, teeth tugging against your earlobe, “You’re gonna make me cum with how mouthwatering you look.”

You buried your grip in the sheets, head throwing as the plunge of Wonwoo’s cock, and you barely made out your request. “P-Phone…”

“Why do you need your phone,” Soonyoung asked in interest.

“S-snap…Hae…”

They were all shocked at first at your request, but pulled up the Snapchat app on the phone anyway, waiting to give you a signal to record. You then added on to the request, “Soon—Mmh—say some n-nice things before sending it t-to him…”

He turned a cheeky grin before pressing record. Wonwoo thrust in you deep, groaned louder, fucked you faster, and naturally spilled obscenities from your lips that ‘putting on a show’ wouldn’t be necessary. His hands roughly pulled your hips to him, as if to use you, bending you to his will, and fuck, did it feel good.

“You see this shit?” Soonyoung mocked. “That’s what fucking sounds like, you moron. Probably never heard her make those sounds before, have you? Funny enough, she likes raw cock, just not yours.”

You let out a guttural moan as Jihoon played with your tits. His teeth scratched up against your breast before biting, sucking, and moaning. You whispered in his ear something only he could hear it’s not long before he does as you asked, dangling his cock in front of you with bent knees. You grasped his shaft, tugging on his skin before fitting him in your mouth, pushing through your soft gags, and taking him deep in your mouth.

Jihoon sounded satisfied just as he looked. He put his hands in your hair before bobbing your head against him, his cock deep-throating you until you’re forced to breathe through your nose. He felt full and thick inside you, itching down the depths of your throat.

Soonyoung pulled the phone closer to you, just hornier watching you at work while he was at work. “Look. At. That. She’s taking his cock so fucking good. What a good girl. So fucking pretty–You’re such a stupid bitch, Hae. I hope you know that by now you never deserved her.”

Soonyoung’s thumb comes into the frame to wipe the overwhelmed tears in your eyes, while your delicious moans were muffled by Jihoon. “His cock taste good, baby?”

You nodded, whimpering as Jihoon tugged you harder, forcing your eyes on him. 

“Better than Hae’s?” Jihoon thought to ask, to which you nodded again, only more gingerly as you caressed his bare abdomen.

“Yeah, because Hae’s a little bitch,” Soonyoung egged. “You’ve got to be incredibly stupid to fucking lose someone like this. Well, bye now. Gotta get back to fucking your hot girlfriend–excuse me.” He turned the camera back on himself, visibly stroking his cock—veiny and hard. “Your hot Ex-girlfriend.”

He threw a farewell middle finger before sending it to him and tossing the phone aside. He caressed your head, “How’s that?”

You nodded, a bit too distracted to give a more definite answer.

“Good, now focus on orgasming, hmm?”

You saw Soonyoung’s cock, hard and in its lonesome before tending it, still stroking Jihoon’s. You alternated between the two for a period, letting both feel the inner working of your mouth. It was until you got enthusiastic that you rubbed them against each other, lathering each other your saliva. Their collective moans drowned out other sounds in the room. Vein to vein, shaft to shaft, head to head. With your tongue in between or licking up their lengths, their cocks gilded against each other as smooth as butter.

“Fuck, why does that feel good?” Jihoon whined, still drunk enough to admit some truth.

“Admit it, Hoonie, you like me,” Soonyoung teased between his moans.

Both your hands held them together, stroking them as if they were one. You could feel them bursting with arousal. It was orgasmic to see them cross, but not as much as it was taking them both in your mouth simultaneously, stretching your lips from corner to corner. They may have not pushed far, but your lips wrapped around them so bound and tight, it was more than they could’ve asked.

“Yes, shit…Just, like that, Y/n...You’re driving me insane right now…”

“Taking our cocks so beautifully, baby…Being perfect, good slut…Mmh, spit on it…that’s it…Take us deeper, baby…so fucking good.”

Wonwoo may have amped up his pace for the camera, but he was afraid to lose it. Taking the sides of your legs, he held them up to his shoulders so he could fuck you deeper, bottoming out in you. Your moans vibrated up the two men’s cock, one more sensitive than the other, making Jihoon curse at his limited patience. “Shit…so close…”

“Oh, Y/n…shit…fuck, I’m gonna cum too.” Wonwoo shut his eyes tight, attempting to resist the best he could but for him, the tides were too strong. 

Wonwoo doubled over, wailing about his impending orgasm before he released inside you, hot and inevitable. You clenched into the heat, feeling it invade the depth of your core until it meant you were full. It was too late for you to stop your own crash of arousal that followed immediately after. Meanwhile, Jihoon, not wanting to make the same mistake, pulled out of you a string of salvia routing from your swollen lips to his swollen cock. He cupped the side of your cheek, smiling a tired smile, and kissed your face as Soonyoung was still in your mouth. 

Unlike his friend, you milked Soonyoung dry, carnally taking every drop of his load he squeezed out between in his deep, aching groans. Either of his hands collapse the side of your head, pushing your lips against the base before dropping it inside you. “Take it, baby, swallow my cum.” Pockets full of cum lumped the column of your throat and traveled like an assembly line as you swallowed.

“Y/n…oh my god, like that…every drop….”

Eventually, positions shifted. Your lips connected back with Jihoon, while Soonyoung covered your backside, eating your pussy like it was the best thing in the fucking world. “Your pussy is the best thing in the fucking world.” He really spoke his mind.

Soonyoung proved himself to be a messy eater, tongue fucking you sideways, while the remainder of Wonwoo’s cum and yours slid all over his mouth. He felt it dribble down his chin, down his neck, even his chest. He was so turned on by such a filthy feast, it made him easy to find his cock. Thrusting and fisting himself, he edged his patience with quick brief intervals, stopping abruptly as soon as he felt close.

Jihoon smiled against your lips as he clashed with your tongue, fighting for your attention with his hands through your hair. “He feel good, hmm? I’m about to make you feel better. Come here.”

You did as he ask, Soonyoung’s lips following after, until the head of Jihoon’s cock prodded at your entrance, wet with teasing. Your whines, barely audible in the kiss, soon melted like milk chocolate, and Jihoon’s cock eased inside you just as easily as it eased out. He thrusted in you at an achingly slow rhythm, while Soonyoung’s eyes followed the motion like memorizing a dance. 

“I wish you could see from this angle how she’s taking it.” He spread your cheeks apart, and the gap of your warmth fluttered at the draft the second Jihoon pulled out. “You look fucking delicious, Y/n.”

Soonyoung gave you both a subtle signal before whipping his cock, angry and red at being left out. He steadied your body, Jihoon’s cock insistent on being inside, but that was no problem. Soonyoung teased your preoccupied hole, lubing himself with the pre-made mess, and eased himself in. He now felt what he could only describe as solid euphoria, breath-stealing and innate perfection.

Your molten walls melted around their cocks, and their deep, merciless plunges fill the every crevice of your body, as your back came in a perfect arch. Moans stayed stuck in your throat, trembling in a pleasurable ache. You lost yourself in the fullness you felt letting them fuck you and use you like the toy you’ve become. “F-fuck yes…more please…don’t stop…”

Jihoon moaned after you, lips puckering in pleasure. His head dipped back in the sheets, feeling like he was having sex for the first time all over again. A new, foreign feeling that makes him feel like seconds away from cumming. In soft whispers, he begged for it slow, swallowing his whimpers but showing weakness obvious weakness. It made you absolutely insane. You were the one taking two dicks in you but Jihoon made it feel as if you had to worry about him. You tenderly caressed his cheeks in solace, reassuring him the way you could that you’d take care of him.

Out of your peripheral view, you hadn't noticed Wonwoo until he started talking with his phone in hand. He approached the space above your head, recording the lewd view as his cock was came to your eye level. He tilted your chin up with his middle and index to meet his face, unadulterated dark lust oozing out of his eyes. “So pretty already taking two cocks. They fucking your pussy good?”

“Yes, so good…” you answered, taking every pounding.

“You know what I want, right?”

Your hands were already in his shaft, feeling how hard even after already came. “Yes.”

His hand brushed the top of your head, tugging it back so your eyes stared back into the camera lens. A corner of his lisp quirked up, slowly in a sinfully dark voice he commanded, “Take my cock, Princess.”

Soonyoung held you up from your side, while Jihoon reunited with your tits. Slowly but surely, you leaned in to welcome the head of his cock on your tongue, licking through the slit. In a lewd manner, your eyes drift in a dream-like expression. Your tongue trailing down his length before spitting against the shaft and coating your lips in a glossy sheen. 

“You really don’t get it, do you, Hae,” Wonwoo watched you through the screen, resisting the urge to not just completely fuck your mouth senseless at the moment, “Y/n was yours once, but she’s ours now. The difference is, we use our cocks right and put them in all the right places. You, however, will never know,” Wonwoo single-handedly wrapped your hair around his fingers in a makeshift ponytail, “what it’s like to be inside her again. We won’t let you.” from his grip, he pushed your head down to deep throat him, plugging the gap in which you’d normally breathe through.

Your eyes shut, tears burn down your cheek like liquid fire as you’re swirling your tongue around him before he pulled himself out, cussing under his breath. He zoomed in on your eyes, dazed and perfectly fucked, before sticking a thumb in your mouth, releasing a gleeful giggle. You looked like a new person entirely. Unrecognizable. Reborn. 

“Did you like that, princess?”

You let out a low purr, “Yes, Wonwoo…more please...”

He sent the video before tossing his phone away and finishing what he started. His cock made himself home in your mouth once again, now savoring the sensation. Wonwoo doesn’t hold himself back now, fucking your mouth despite any physical resistance your mouth may make. It made you feel alive, useful, and last but most important, wanted.

“You look so beautiful, Princess…yes, take our cocks. You’re doing a beautiful job.”

Their praises spoke to you like prayer, descending upon you like a light while committing sin. “Cum, on my cock, Y/n. I can take it,” Jihoon insisted, trembling under your touch. Soonyoung nodded in agreement, legs faltering as expected from going at you for as long as he could. Wonwoo was even starting to look like he’d give in. Bodies covered in a layer of sweat and sex. You were grateful to be gifted another climax, shuddering on top of the begging man while you managed through with limited oxygen. 

Orgasm after orgasm, they put you to ruin, and yet you never felt more on air. It felt like it went  on forever, but everyone moved with urgency. In the end, they pour their cum into you like it was your purpose, every hole of yours practically leaking with ivory honey. You collapsed on the body beneath you, his tone arms held you in place. He kissed you where Wonwoo left another mess of his and made love against your mouth, and not a thought of anything else.

They stayed the night as planned. Your bodies, now cleaned after a long, thorough shower, cradled against each other in your borrowed clothes. You fit together like pieces to a full picture, not one without the other. You worried about the aftermath the next day, awaiting the utter chaos that could follow, but realized it was your own imagination worrying you because things went as normal.

Smiles on their faces, tender and welcoming eyes, only at this point it made you warm all over, memories of last night flooding your brain.

The only difference was the hundreds of messages flooding your inbox from your ex, and the now deeply intimate connection you’ve made with a group that you only saw as friends. The same deep connection that had you cumming again that same morning.

[humorisstoredinthetits]

Chansaw.

So am I the only one who finds Chansaw kinda... boring? Not to say its a bad ship or its unhealthy or that there's a fundamental issue with the paring, I just feel like out of all the Heather x Veronica or Heather x Heather ships Chansaw is the least interesting.

Like for example;

(Also I will be talking only about canon, bc fanon opens up a whole new can of worms, plus fanon is based off the characters and their interactions from canon)

Chandlamara - My personal favorite, there's so little between them in the show, but what we do have lays foundations for so much. We know that Mac considered Chandler to be her best friend, she took her to school more often then not, and that her death threw a wrench into Mac's mental stability. And from what we can tell from their interactions, Mac was the only person Chandler didn't treat like shit, never telling her to shut up or demeaning her. There's so much that can be done with the how and why between them, like why does Chandler seem to respect Mac? Why does Mac consider her to be her best friend? With them, sometimes less is more.

McDuke - With McDuke, Duke hurt Mac badly over the course of the show, and for a relationship to EVER exist between them, Duke would have to undergo significant changes as a person, forcing her to confront her shitty actions. The struggle for her to change mixed together with the desire to change for Mac is the meat and potatoes of this ship. There's a lot for Mac too, because in all honesty she is under no obligation to forgive Duke, what she did was awful, but at the same time she sees the effort Duke puts in and the sincerity in her apologies and maybe, just maybe, she slowly starts to forgive her.

McNamayer - Veronica is Mac's Knight in Shining Armor during the show, rescuing her when she was at her lowest, so naturally Mac would start to develop admiration and a genuine friendship with her. And for Veronica, after the craziness with JD, Mac is a normal person for her to turn to, and proof that some people can change, which is Veronica's whole thing. They're the closest thing to healthy in Heathers, because they can both rely on each other to help during the darkest times.

Chanduke - Going from the most healthy to the least, Chanduke would be an absolute nightmare if it was canon. Chandler and Duke are horrible to each other, there's no doubt about it. That's part of the intrigue with them. How can two people who hate each other's guts also love each other? What keeps them together when they clearly can't stand the other? The other part is how they would make it work. Just like McDuke, they would both have to change drastically, and part of that would be confronting the other about how they've been treated and having to move past it. It would be a rocky road, but that's the fun in it.

Dukesaw - Duke and Veronica have a lot more common than they would like to admit. They're both rather intelligent, bookish people who have nasty tempers and tend to gravitate towards toxic people (Chandler and JD). Obviously they would have some chemistry, and it would be interesting to see them recognizing bad influence's in the other's life, but fail to see the exact same thing in their own. Like Duke calls out Veronica for hanging out with JD bc he's insane and brought a gun to school, while Veronica calls her out saying that she's one to talk, she is friends with Heather fucking Chandler, people call her the Demon Queen for a reason, only for them to both slowly realize that they are hypocrites.

Now to give Chansaw some credit, I can see the appeal. Enemies to lovers is very popular for a reason, hell I even mentioned it as why Chanduke is so intriguing to me. Plus, the aspect of taking someone under your wing is a good setup for a relationship story, but at least to me it's just so overdone, like there's only so much you can do between them before you get bored with it. Not to say all Chansaw fics and art are bad or boring, just that I myself am bored with how same-y it all feels.

Aaaand thats why I like PolyHeathers+Veronica so much, because who cares about which dynamic is better when you can just have all of them at the same time /j

[sparky-is-spiders]

Peter for the ask game. ((You should pick "leave him alone" methinks))

Afraid I don't have too many interesting thoughts on him, sorry....

I'm neutral on Lonely/eyes but I don't really seek it out and I don't really vibe with the common fandom version? Like I don't really mind it but it doesn't super appeal to me either. However his second most popular ship is with Martin. Whom I hate. So. Half-point I guess (look I needed to get something on the board).

You're right he would want 'Leave them alone' so I will give it to him. I can relate to that tbh. However I do also prefer him as part of a dynamic (read: with Jon) so he only gets a half point there I'm afraid.

As for dynamic: I actually have a lot of fondness and love for Jonpeter. Like it's actually so fun. I particularly enjoy S4 Jonpeter. Like, in my head I have this AU where Jon is just miserable and lonely and so desperate for connection but at the same time feels this need to punish himself. And so he pursues or ends up in a relationship with Peter, which soothes the loneliness a little except it hurts so much more, which only serves to justify this indulgence to him further really. Idk. A lot of it is just VIbes in my Brain if I'm being real. Anyway I do actually love their dynamic because Jon really is SUCH good Lonely Bait and I want to put him in front of someone who wants to take the bait so BAD but knows that he can't (either because of consequences from Elias or because doing so would risk him losing that bet and handing Jon over to Elias early). Do you see the vision?

Also fond of the Jon x Peter x Elias polycule. I think either of these ships on their own would probably be mostly stable (if not especially functional) where even if it would sometimes be messy it would at worst be self-contained break-up make-up break-up make-up but add in a third and it should be a toxic oil spill of colossal proportions. Look maybe it's the drama monger in me but I genuinely think the personalities in here would make this polycule a ticking time bomb that keeps going off. I'm too tired to explain real good but it's basically this post. Ideal dynamic for them I think.

Gonna take this opportunity to plug the fics responsible for getting this dynamic into my brain:

A Glass Essay - All time fave, cemented Jonpeter's place as a Good Ship in my book

It's a Date - Absolutely hilarious. Also the reason I got brainworms for this ship to begin with.

Anyway these did something to my brain I think. That's about all I have to say tbh. There's probably some posts in my Jonpeter tag if you want more Thoughts. It's almost 9:50.

Ask me about a character!

(Note: I have already gotten asks for Sasha, Elias, Peter, Gerry and Jon)

[twothpaste]

Sorry if this sounds a bit dumb, but what is Claus’s relationship with Porky in your Intermission AU? How do they view each other and how did they stand and how are they currently standing with each other. I read that part of the fic where Porky goes to Ness and Paula’s apartment and made a scene there and it feels like that’s where Claus is done with him and their. “Friendship”

Aw, man, these two are an absolute trainwreck! Claus n' Porky's relationship was one of the things that sparked the whole AU, truth be told. This premise of taking fantastical events from the games, and translating them into grounded experiences young people often go through irl... What if instead of Porky converting Claus into a brainwashed cyborg supersoldier, the whole thing was literally just an abusive friendship? That's basically the first fic in a nutshell. The more I wrote and thought about it though, the more intricate and sad and harrowing it got. I have so much rattling around in my head about these two, and it's been oozing out of my ears like Cheez Whiz for a year and a half 🫠. I'll put the charcuterie board below the cut:

Intermission Claus and Porky have a lot more in common than you'd expect (I think this is true in canon, too, but that's a whole other post). They were both outta place college freshmen, masking their insecurities with overconfident edgelord personas. They shared a lot of the same interests (video games, Reddit, misinterpreting messages about toxic masculinity in Berserk and Fight Club). They've got a lot of similar baggage, worst of all. Broken families, woes over their emotionally unavailable fathers, mental health problems that sometimes alienate them from their loved ones… Porky appealed to Claus' broken ego, making this guilt-ridden once-neglected kid feel exclusively cool and smart and valued. Porky, an always-neglected kid (with no fucking friends), absolutely relished Claus' earnest company and undivided attention. You'd almost think it could've been good for them. Havin' a mutual confidant to vent their frustrations to, bonding through genuine solidarity. But since Porky is Porky, he doesn't know how to maintain friendships without being a possessive megalomaniac about it. And since Claus is naive and impressionable by nature, he fell for it hook line n' sinker.

He coaxed Claus away from his other friends. Gradually got this dude parroting his vernacular and his bullheaded attitude. Which, of course, made Ness n' pals less willing to put up with Claus. "You're practically my double," Porky might've joked. N' Claus wouldda laughed it up, mistaking it for praise. Porky takes advantage of Claus' emotional volatility. He can rile him up into tirades, or flip him into horrific dissociative states, at a moment's notice. Instead of cybernetic mind-control, it's all the weird ways abusers isolate victims, and re-wire their personality and behavior. Most abusers don't exactly do this stuff consciously - and it's obviously just as unacceptable whether it's conscious or not - but I kinda wanna leave Porky's manipulation up to reader interpretation. Is he deliberately pulling strings like a puppetmaster, here? Does he think that's what he's doing? Or is he blindly channeling his parents' behavior, since it's all he's ever known? Maybe all of the above…

There's all these miserable layers to it, like?? How Porky's vendetta against Ness provoked the whole thing. (He drove his first and last best friend away in middle school, never got over it, and now is out to spite him by hoarding their lovable fun upstanding mutual college acquaintance.) How Claus is still frantically trying to emulate his father's masculinity at this stage, and how that's leading him down a dangerous path with Porky. (Trying his very best to forgive a now-reformed Flint for 3 years of griefstricken alcoholic absence - while Porky throws a wrench in his efforts, stoking his righteous anger to keep him bitter and isolated.) How Porky emulates Aloysius almost inevitably, despite hating his father's guts, 'cause after torching his friendship with Ness he was left with no other role models. How Claus yearns for acceptance and approval, and gets this twisted version of it from a guy who treats him like an action figure. How Porky's secretly vehemently jealous of Claus' tight bond with Lucas - 'cause he himself has been self-sabotaging his relationship with Picky for years. How Claus put up with being taken advantage of and dehumanized, 'cause his self esteem is so terrible - but the last straw for him was seeing Porky treat Picky like shit. 'Cause he'd never in a million years even dream of treating Lucas like that. Forgive me if it's a lot, but every bit of it makes me feel like [this].

In the aftermath of it all, I think Porky does realize (deep, deep, deep down) he's ruined what couldda been a really positive friendship for the both of 'em. And he does feel deliriously guilty about it. But he never admits fault. Just blames Ness n' Lucas n' Paula, resigns to hate Claus forevermore, and stews about it endlessly. Even though he knows all it's accomplishing is making him more lonesome and miserable. His Peter-Pan-esque immortal childhood, in Intermission AU, is deconstructed into this sad sick shell of a guy who simply refuses to grow up. (Or confront his guilt, or mature as a person, or apologize to anyone, etc etc…) And his "Absolutely Safe Capsule" is really is just his self-inflicted friendlessness. Maybe he resigns himself to it. If he doesn't have any friends, no one can "betray" him anymore. And he won't have to hurt like this ever again 🥲

Claus, on the other hand, walks away with this erratic mix of anger and pity towards Porky. Which often turns inward - blaming himself for getting so sucked into it, for bein' such a d-bag to his own friends & brother under Porky's influence. Graciously now he's got several absolute real ones he can talk to about it. He ultimately ends up pinning most of the blame on Aloysius (who kinda lives rent free in his head, even though they only met once). But regardless, he can barely stand to think much about Porky. Much less to be in a room with him. Which is a shame, considering they've got at least 2 more years at the same college. I might do more with 'em in the future.

If anyone's interested in these two - aside from Intermission (the fic) (the first one), there's more Claus n' Porky woes in Hunker. Especially [Chapter 20] (which can be read as a oneshot 😉🤐).

[anbessette]

Hi! I wanted to tell you that recently I came across Simmer (and the whole simmer-verse) and O.M.G. It's so good!!! First of all, thank you for the chubby!JGY💘 I didn't even hope I would find something like that (bc the fandom tends to see him as very thin) but you saved me xD

But most of all I admire just how good it is written! It literally taught me a lot of things about this kink that I didn't know about, like the fact that this kink can be non-sexual and I'm actually not doomed to life without it if my partner happens to not have it in a usual way😅 Simmerverse really helped me realise many new things! And also these fics made me like NMJ and NieYao because previously I only have seen them being toxic in fanfics, but after Simmer I started to understand Mingjue's personality and his feelings/trauma about Meng Yao's betrayal QwQ

Anyways, that's it, I really loved your writing and am going to read your other fics♥️

Also I wanted to ask is it okay if I draw fanart and visualise some scenes? And also I'm curious if you had the donghua, CQL or some other designs in mind writing Simmerverse? (because I wasn't sure how exactly to imagine JGY's clothing xdd)

Sorry for the long ask😅

Hi! Thank you for the lovely ask - the Simmerverse has a special place in my heart, it's always so nice to hear that it meant something to a reader.

You're very welcome for the chubby!JGY content 😁 When I first started out with Simmer I thought it might be just me and one anon on the kinkmeme who'd enjoy seeing him reimagined like that, because yeah, his portrayal in fandom often puts a lot of emphasis on him being thin. Not that there's anything wrong with that - it can be cute, I'm definitely not immune to the appeal of "A-Yao small 🥹" - but it's very different to how I wrote him in Simmer. That might be part of why I did it, honestly. I have a contrary streak a mile wide, so when I saw all those fics cooing over JGY being so tiny and cute I went: OK, but what if he wasn't tiny? Would we still think he was precious, lovable and desirable if he gained weight? Does fitting perfectly in his partner's arms necessarily mean being small? I'm gonna write him getting fat and coo over how cute that is, he'd look good with a tummy. I was (and still am) delighted by how many readers liked it too!

Thank you for all your kind words! I'm glad my fic gave you so much to think about, and especially proud that I won you over to liking NieYao and NMJ. I came to the ship from the opposite direction - I was sad about NMJ and wanted him to be loved instead of murdered, so I dove into fics about NieYao reconciling and ended up loving and sympathising with JGY too. Hearing that my writing made someone who didn't like NMJ before start to sympathise with him feels like closing the loop, and maybe also like I've won some kind of fandom medal.

You can absolutely draw fanart of my stuff, I'd love that!! Tag me or send a link if you do, so I can scream with joy and reblog it 🥰 I was picturing the CQL version of JGY, but you're welcome to take liberties with his outfits or draw inspiration from other versions if that works better for your art.

[shadowofahope]

Fallen Star

Pairing: Hyunjin!Driver/bodyguard/alien x princess reader

Warning: Much angst, toxic family, controlling home life.

Premise: A mistake always turning to the stars for an escape. But it turns out the star you had always wished for had fallen right in front of you.

word count: 5.1K

Authors notes: *WARNING* LOVE LETTER INCOMING: I need to give credit to the truly amazing @jiminiesfavouritecolourisblue for being my never ending inspiration for this fic. Honestly, the ideas behind the story and the feel/details of the banner all of it I sneakily asked her questions and then used her answers against her. But in all realness, thank you so much for giving me support in my writing journey. Legit one of my most favourite people in the whole world, so if you have never read anything from her before I highly recommend it. You are missing out on some absolute genius, especially in the angst department!!

masterlist

If he thinks he can just marry you off for his benefit he seriously had another thing coming. An arranged marriage to an old man? Did he assume you’d go quietly? Or does he really just not care? 

You laugh at yourself. Of course he doesnt. This was a new low, even for him. He couldn’t control you like your siblings so instead of having to deal with you he sells you off the highest bidder. You’d show him how much trouble you could be. 

Staring out of the back passenger car window, you watch your breath fog a small part of the cold glass before it recedes. It blocks your view from what you really want to see, so you roll down the window. There’s no clouds in the dark sky tonight, no wind either. But the chilled breeze from the car speeding down the backroads rushes into the car. Making you wish you were driving away from it all and not back to it. You asked the driver to take a long way back, so you could gaze out into a world you only wished to be apart of. 

“I’d give anything to escape from here…” You sigh, your mind wandering to the stars above. To what else could be out there. “...to be with the stars.”

“Anything?” A soothing melodic voice travels from the drivers seat. Unbeknownst to you the partition had been lowered. 

You let out a startled noise, you knew that voice, and the angelic person who had that voice. That person was not supposed to be driving you tonight. His presence alone would be enough to make you antsy, but in this moment couldn’t have been worse. 

“I’m sorry Miss, I didn’t mean to startle you.” He politely directs his worry to you through the rearview mirror. 

You make eye contact with him through the reflection as you roll up the window, “No it’s ok. I was lost in thought.” 

You can’t maintain staring into his alluring eyes, breaking away you let yourself once again stare at the night landscape. 

“I did notice something on your mind when you got in. I know it may not be my place to ask but, is everything ok?” 

“Hyunjin, I’ve told you before you can speak freely with me. We are the same age.” You let out an airy chuckle, shaking your head. Your eyes never leaving it’s chosen star. 

“I know miss, sometimes I forget.” He laughs cheerfully back at you. “Bad news at dinner?”

“Apparently my hand in marriage has been accepted.” You huff. There’s no point in hiding your annoyance. As much as Hyunjin made the butterflies in your stomach act as thought they had been given some form of accelerant, he was the only one around you that you could talk to like this. 

“Marriage?” If you didn’t know any better you’d say there was a bite to his words. “With who?”

“Lord Tun. He’s over twice my age.” You complain bitterly, the dress chosen for you for dinner becoming itchy, a burning sensation lingering. That’s why your parents had bought it for you. To appeal to the mans desires, your hopes of them wanting to buy you something out of the warmth of their heart dashed. You wanted to burn this vile, uncomfortable fabric…not to mention it’s ugly colour against your skin did you no favours. “He originally asked for my older sisters hand in good faith of the new trading merger. But my father said ‘Elise deserves better then he could provide’, so he offered me as substitute. He says it’s my duty.”

 You sink back into your seat, quickly looking over to see his reaction. He doesn’t say anything. His eyes stay trained to the road. Maybe he’s just ask shocked as you are? He knows just as anyone working for your family how you are perceived in this world. The accident that could only ever be useless. 

Growing up you had tried to follow the rules. You had been called an accident since you were young, and you understood exactly what that implied for you. But still you worked hard to achieve as much as your siblings. At first you had even surpassed them in most areas; quickly you realized just how much that didn’t matter to your parents. It never mattered if your grades were bad, you understood the family politics, you became fluent in every language that your family had ties with, the instruments you played…the list went on. Your place in the family never changed. Your parents still looked at you with a heavy detest in their eyes it eventually shut down your want to appease them. 

So you stopped the extra lessons and changed your path. You took up watercolour painting and cooking. Even turning your studies to the stars and universe above you. Your parents never knew because they took no notice. 

Infatuation didn’t even cover your love for the science of other galaxies, obsession might be a better word. Spending hours upon hours leisurely reading everything you could on them. A single wish of being able to see it all yourself. 

But you were here, on earth, the last place you wanted to be.

“Duty….since when have I ever had a duty to uphold?” Looking to the moon for solace, you let your anger simmer. A hesitant silence looms over you both before he speaks again.

“You are a princess, miss.”

You could feel the bile from your stomach threaten to claw up your throat, “just because I’m a princess doesn’t mean I don’t deserve love.”

👑 👑 

“Guards!” Your fathers aggravating voice booms through the castles library hall. The main doors fly open and two large men rush through, you don’t have time to react before they are each grabbing one of your arms. “Escort the princess back to her room.”

“You think locking me up will get me to agree?” Straining against the hard hands on you, you push forward.

“Agreeance or not, you will marry Lord Tun. It’s your choice whether you go peacefully or if I have to drag you the whole way there.” He threatens. His cold eyes trained on your blazing ones. “You should be thankful your life has a purpose, thankful that anyone would be willing to marry you.

“THANKFUL?!” Throat burning, the acidic taste from your stomach makes your voice hoarse. Your legs kick out in fury, shoving at the men surrounding you.  “Should I be thankful that my existence means nothing to you?”

“Finally you can be useful to this family.” He slams the book you were studying before he entered onto the table. He’s watching your reaction, the calculation in his eyes making your blood boil. “No more of these ridiculous ventures. They have made you obstinate and disrespectful. Your empty head is only filled with pathetic knowledge, making you unusable in any other way. You owe it to this family to be obedient in this marriage.”

“You know nothing of me!” You scream, throwing your whole body at him. Never in your life have you ever wanted to use violence until this moment, even more so on your father. Your anger numbs you to the pain in your arms, the bruises forming from the two men holding you back. “I owe you NOTHING.”

“You owe me your LIFE.” He barks art you, slamming his foot on the hardwood. This time you do flinch. “And I will do with it as I see fit.” 

Adjusting his robes he signals at the guards holding you.

“Take her. Her room shall be locked until I call for her presence.”

As they pull you away, your body goes limp. Every word you thought your parents felt about you had now been expressed out loud. You let them drag you into the room, throwing you onto the bed you catch yourself. Eyes and mind glazing over with tears and rage. But not enough to not hear one of them mumble ‘ungreatful’ under their breath. 

The doors slam shut with such force it shakes the paintings on your wall. The loud metal clank of the door locking seals your mouth as you fall onto the bed, angry tears stream down your face as you let yourself give in to exhaustion.

👑 👑 

It had been hours since your door was locked, food had been slid in on a silver tray but you had refused to eat it. The anger in your body making your desire for food vanish for the night. When they had collected the still full tray you had attempted to rush whoever was at the door to escape. However, your plans were in vain as there were two guards with the kitchen maid. It felt as though you had run into a wall when you collided with them. 

You couldn’t tell how long you had sat there, curled up on the cold marble floor, the only warmth coming from your thin day dress. Tears drying up after admitting to yourself that you were an animal locked in a cage, and that’s all you would ever be. A small canary locked in a desolate, rusty cage watching the bright, endless sky in longing.

The sky had begun to darken through your balcony window, the shadows in your room first receding then becoming new in the moons light. Your glazed eyes only focused on the floor, silence cutting you deeper and deeper as the hours ticked by. Wishing for things that could never happen.

Wishing to be free…free to go where you wanted. Free to see the world, all worlds. Free to love. Love? The image of the beautiful long haired blonde man flashes through the stars in your mind. His slender silhouette in the forefront of your mind appears in the shadows on the floor, not sure if you’re imagining it or if it could be real. Either way you don’t move, you can’t. Body frozen in place. 

“Miss?” A soothing concerned voice dances on the still air, stirring you from your trance. Your eyes gradually moving up to the glass doors, now open, the warm air covers you, the delusions of a man you can never be with melts away. The realization is slow to you, leaving the real man in your bedroom. 

“Hyunjin?” You croak quietly, voice catching as it feels like it’s tearing through your throat. 

He rushes over to you, warm hands cupping your cheeks searching through the depths to find you again. 

“I’m here, princess.” He urges, the tone in his voice is something you can’t place, but you’re too lost in your sadness. His presense pulling you out little by little. “You’re not alone.” 

Swallowing the saliva collecting in your mouth feels rough but it gives you just enough relief to speak.

“How come when you call me princess it sounds so nice, but from others it sounds like a threat?” Softly chuckling to yourself, you see a glimmer in his eyes. A smile forming on his angelic face. If not for your state of mind, you would never speak like this outloud around him. The butterflies normally causing chaos in your stomach are fluttering with a want to fall deeper into his eyes. 

His thumb begins to caress the plump skin on your cheeks, “My princess.”

Realzing you’ve exposed yourself, you begin to feel your body heat up. Embarrassment invades your sense, your cheeks and eyes giving you away. 

“What are you doing here?” You whisper, enclosing his hands in yours and pulling them away from your face. Not really letting go of them, for fear of dropping again. 

“I have to show you something.” He stares down at your hands on his, hesitantly feeling the soft flesh of your delicate hands.

Hearing footsteps pass by your door, you glance at the menacing wooden behemoths. Do you risk going with him? The possibilities of him being punished for helping you break out of your dim cell are endless. You have no idea what your father would do to him, but whatever it would be would be wishing for death. 

Or do you throw all concers away? He risked so much to just come here, he knows how bad this could be…but still he came.

“Will you come with me?” There’s almost a pleading sound in his voice, strained in a way. You look back to him. On his knees infront of you on the marble floor, large hands in yours, dressed in black only with a wish for you to go with him. Something unspoken passes in his eyes, you vaguely see it before it’s gone.

“Yes.” You sound out of breath when you finally answer. His smile knocking the wind out of you. He jumps to his feet, pulling you up with him, never letting go as he runs the both of you to the balcony. You peer over the edge, 3 stories down is the lush green grass and flower beds. You assumed he had climbed up something, but you see nothing he could have used.

“How-?” You cut yourself off, dry laugh stopping you from even finishing your thought. From all the times you’ve known Hyunjin you’ve learned not to ask. Somethings about him could be explained, but others seemed too impossible to try.

“Do you trust me?” He dead pans for a moment before raising an eyebrow to you.

“Always.” 

If tonight was the last night you could be yourself, to truly let yourself feel things you never let yourself before, then no more acting coy. No more covering it up. Honesty for one night, before the rest of your life lying, lies entrapping you to be who your family demanded of you. 

He steps up onto the stone edge of the balcony, hand reaching out to help you alongside him. You don’t hesitate as you follow him up. The height dizzying you, you clasp harder onto him. He lets out a small laugh as his arms reach around you, one around your back and the other under your legs. 

You squeak in surprise. You had not been expecting to be carried bridal style in this situation. Your arms loop around his neck, staring at him in disbelief. 

“Still trust me?” Mischief cracks onto his features. 

“Al~wa~ys~” You dare him.

“Close your eyes then.” He whispers into your ear, to which you do so. Now whether that was from the closeness of his voice and breath on your skin or just following commands, you didn’t know. 

Regardless, before you can even process you feel a rush of wind race past you, your body feeling momentarily light before gravity restarted. 

“It’s time to run princess.” His soft voice sings. You peer one eye open, the other quickly following when see that you are now on the grass. No questions, you warn yourself. He gently places you back on your feet, this time it’s you who extends your hand for him to take before running off into the surrounding forest. 

You don’t know where you’re running, but it doesn’t matter. Everything that’s happening in these past moments, could all be a dream. Even if this turns out ot be one for now you would fully embrace it. Before long he’s overtaking you, his enchanting laugh fills your ears as he directs you deeper and deeper into the wooded dangerous area. The light of the moon beaks through the tops of the trees, your lunges inflating with an air you had missed. 

You both burst through the tree line, illuminated by the stars and moon is a small clearing. A pond reflects back the night sky creating even more of an endless illusion. You walk past him as he slows, dropping his hand to full take in all that is around you. For the first time in what feels like forever your heart feels full, full of life, full of wonder, full of joy. 

Your breath stops, heart beats wildly when you look to him. His hair even more golden by the moon, skin so smooth like diamond, eyes showing exactly what you see when you gaze upwards. You can’t think of what to say…. There’s so much unknown about him, so much more that you want to know. Trying to regain your thoughts when he appears like this proves futile.

“Would you honour me with a dance princess?” He bows, before reaching out a hand. You can’t help but laugh, thoughts returning to you. 

“You’re supposed to be showing me something” You squint at him, smirk on your face. 

He steps up to you, his breath on your skin makes you shudder. Closer then you thought you could have, but not close enough to what you wanted. 

“One dance” His pointer finger shows the number as he pouts cutely at you. 

“One.” You agree, giving in all too easy.

He takes a step back to allow himself room to offer you his hand. His smile taking a mischievous turn, you laugh as you accept it. Instantly the subdued butterflies are beginning to become jittery as they normally do when he is close to you. 

Pulling you close he wraps his other arm around you, you fight against the sound wanting to announce your inner thoughts as his body becomes flush with yours. You remember yourself enough to lift your arm to rest on his shoulder. He starts you both off in a casual step, occasional spins making you feel more light headed… maybe it wasn’t the spins….becuase when you come back to him, his smile is blinding. 

The dance becomes more complex, lifts and turns you’ve never done before. But here, in his arms it all seems familiar. Every move playfully calculated by him to make you laugh, to make you feel giddy and light. This is a moment you’ve only seen in your dreams, but somehow it’s real. 

The warmth of his hand on your lower back. The firm safety of his arm around you. The sturdy comfort of his chest pressed to yours. You’re too afraid to blink, terrified to miss a single moment. A moment that could come crashing to an end in a split second.

A slow dip takes you by surprise as he pulls you back up this time faces only inches apart, his face aglow with a purple light. The whole clearing is now covered in purple. He keeps you close, continuing to dance with you eyes locked on your reactions. Your mind is spinning, confusion on how there could be light this far in. Curiosity gets the better of you, tilting your head back to look up. 

In that moment, every unexplainable thing about Hyunjin is no longer out of your grasp. A purple beam of light trails straight out and down of the bottom of what to appears as a circular ship. Decorated with many white lights and grey features you cannot see in the midst of the shadows it is making on itself.

“It’s …” He slows your dance as he waits for your response. You don’t even register the fear in his trembling figure as you step back. Breaking contact to observe more carefully.

 “It’s beautiful” A smile from your heart appears on your face, eyes showing the purple lights dancing in them. Everything you wanted to escape was right there, even if you weren’t meant to leave, your dreams of it existing was something astonishing. 

“You’re beautiful.” 

You feel your heart constrict. The heaviness now returning. Reality of what this meant for you…for him..for you both setting in. 

“I see you.” Is all you can manage to say, body betraying you as tears stream down your face. He’s with you in an instant, cupping your face adn wiping them away. 

“You see what I truly am. But you don’t know my heart. Not yet,” The pleading in his eyes returns. His voice shaking as he speaks. “The only reason i stayed, the only reason I took this job. Was to stay close to you, I adored the way you were. I wanted to be able to watch you become something magnificent. But I can’t let you go without telling you….”

“Telling you how much I love you.” 

One sentence from him simultaneously breaks your heart and heals all of your past, in an instant. Choking on your tears you can’t find words. As much as you loved him, could you accept that he wasn’t from your world? Could you run away from your life and family just liked you always dreamed? Did you love him enough? Did you truly know what love was? 

“You don’t have to say anything. Please just listen to my last request-” You can only nod at him. “In two days time I have to leave, I have to go back home to my planet, but I want you to come with me. I want to give you everything in this universe and more.”

Your wide eyes stricken with panic fill with more tears. He’s leaving? But he wants you to go with him… You didn’t know what to do.

“No, no, don’t panic.” He reads your emotions quickly. “I’ll be here before I leave, I can wait till then for your answer. I won-”

“Princess!” An angry dark shout breaks the moment, dreadful silence following after. 

 The ships lights turn out and it disappears completely, before you’re brain has time to catch up.

“There looking for me.” Now panic for a different reason rises. Your eyes dart around the edges of the clearing. Nothing visible yet, there’s still time. “You need to run.”

“What? No, princess.” His face morphing to confusion and concern.

“Please? For me, run. I don’t want you to get hurt.” You beg, holding his hands to your chest. To let him feel the calm stray rhythm of your heart. “Besides what can they do to me? Lock me in a room and marry me off to some old guy?”

Your joke lacks any humour, as you both know what your asking him to do. 

“I promise to think about it, I promise to give you an answer, but you need to run.” You’re mind set, watching the emotions play through his eyes. “Please?”

He kisses your forehead before retreating back, the voices getting angrier as they approach. 

“I’ll be here. I’ll wait.” He takes off running. 

You become breathless as a cluster of Guards find you alone in the clearing. “You better feel lucky that we found you when we did, you’re father was demanding your head at one point.” 

You roll your eyes as you’re dragged back to the castle, steeling yourself for the punishment you were about to recieve. 

👑 👑 

“I hate this colour…” You mumble to yourself, staring at the ballgown chosen by your family. Not only was it a colour you didn’t like, but it has a terrible silhouette, uncomfortable material, but it was also to mark you as the bride to be tonight. 

You tsk angrily at it once again as you saunter over to your window. Barred balcony doors now only letting you catch a glimpse of the night sky. 

A night had already passed since you were seized and detained at the palace again. He said he’d wait for you, but you had no way of getting there. No way of sending any sign of your situation. And of course tonight of all nights Lord Tun and your parents had decided would be the engagement party.

A knock at your door tears you away from your angry stupor. 

“Come in.” You call, unmoving. You hear the door creak open and rustling drawing near.

“Princess, a gift has been delivered to you.” One of your families longterm maids informs you. She was the only person in this retched place that had any pity and remorse towards you. She learned quickly to never show it infront of your family, but you knew she was always worried for you. 

“What is it?” You question, a gift? Who would send you a gift? “A dress?”

She hangs the large garment bag from the clothing rack. Unzipping the white cloth and revealing the most beautiful gown you had ever seen. Layers upon layers of a soft grey material, in sections almost seeming black incredibly detailed with silver lining. Sparkles catching the light upon every movement, dusted over the whole gown but concentrated around the hem. It was like stars in the night sky.

“Who?”

“I would assume the boy that sees the stars in you.” She offers. “I may be old, but I am not blind.”

“Do you think it’s too late?” 

She contemplates your question only for a moment before giving a devilish smile, “I say, give them one hell of a show and start running.”

👑 🛸🪐 

Running up each step, you’d lost your shoes long ago, dress hicked up so you won’t have to worry about tripping. You can’t afford to let anything slow you down, can’t look back. 

You swing the wood door open to the maids quarters, the metal key on the bed as she said it would be. Dashing through through the chamber you grab the cold key, palms sweaty you hold it to your chest. Your feet are numb to the pain of fleeing the Engagment party.  You turn down corridor after corridor, evading everyone frantically searching for you. 

Your lungs burn from not taking in enough air, but you ignore it. Nothing would stop you from getting out of this palace. Nothing.

So close are you to the hidden back door, the door only the maids know about. Your only true escape route.

There was no way you’d be forgiven for the scene you caused at the party. Making a grand entrance in the dress he left for you. The anger in your heart you finally spoke allowed, watching as the perfect faces cracked as your voice words assaulted them like a flaming train wreck. Maybe flipping the cake onto your parents as you ran past them was on the petty side, but by the stars it made you feel better. 

The shelving unit that hides the door comes into sight. Crashing into it, you push it aside, arms trembling with exhaustion. The key smoothly slides in the door, flinging it open you’re overwhelmed with the cool night air. Grabbing your skirt once again you waste no time. You take off running towards the clearing you have not been able to forget. The secret memories you’ve held onto for so long, flood your mind as you break the outer tree line.

Late nights sneaking out the court yards to watch the young boy train with the others. The pretty, soft face your butterflies first took flight for. His limbs long and thin, making him look awkward as he tried to keep up. You’d laugh at his endearing attempts, but your heart stirred. Eventually he grew into himself, his body being lean with muscle, every move becoming sure and strong. With that more fascination grew.

Sneaking around to catch glimpses of his combat training weren't enough. When he took on the roll of driver you were beside yourself when you found out he would be your alternate driver on occasions. That in itself made you show up at more family events, much to your dismay and parents approval of appearances. But having him for any moment for yourself made all the nights worth it. 

Catching any sight of him in the palace walls made the torment more bearable. The first time you had a real conversation on a drive back from an event you thought for sure the beating in your heart could be heard from the backseat. Swallowing down the involuntary need to stutter or rush your words out in fear of saying something abrasive. But the more he spoke the more you wanted to listen, and the more he encouraged you to speak as well. 

The feeling of normality but in something so extraordinary.

Everything in you is screaming in pain as you finally close in on the clearing. Your feet bleeding from the forest floor, lungs on fire, fatigue wearing on you. Still you hope on everything in this world he is there. Waiting for you.

Bursting through the thick trees, you see his figure standing in the middle of the grassy plane. 

“Hyunjin!” You manage to scream, although it comes out hoarse and the burn bites back. 

He turns to you just in time for you to lunch yourself at him, arms wrapping around his neck. You feel him freeze in shock for a moment then his arms wrap around your torso. He holds you incredibly close.

“Princess” He whispers into your hair, inhaling your scent as he tightens around you. You lean into him but shift to try to take the pain off of your feet, now that you’ve made it your mind and body are catching up with eachother.

He notices instantly, pulling back to look you up and down. You dress had ripped at the hem, must have caught on something as you were running. Because of the rip he can see you bloody feet. He kneels down infront of you, lifting one with a feather light touch to examine it. 

“Are you in much pain?” The concern in his voice and his skin on yours, even how small it is, makes you feel as though you could dance forever. 

“Not now.” You shake your head. He continues to look at the torn skin.”I see what you are…”

He freezes, eyes widening up at you. 

“I know you are not from here, but far away.” You continue. “And that is a scary thought.”

You take a deep breath as his eyes start to swim with panic. 

“But you are still you, no matter where you’re from.” You smile, letting your heart sing fully for the first time. “I don’t need the universe. All I need is you. So wherever you go, I shall go too.”

Instantly the clearing fill with purple light again, it surprises you to look up. The same ship as before hovers over you, the beam in a circular perimeter around you both. You study it in awe, forgetting yourself and the man infront of you. 

Your curiosity is broken when he sweeps you off your feet, like that night, when he broke you out. You release a startled squeak, holding onto him now feels like second nature.

“My princess.” He coos at you, eyes shimmering with the stars in your heart. 

“Yes. Your princess.” You breath as he leans in, soft lips gently brushing against yours. The lights around you becoming too bright to keep your eyes open. His electricity and heat course through you and you know that you’ve left this world behind. 

All those nights wishing on shooting stars didn’t amount to anything, you should have wished on a fallen one. 

masterlist

[igirisuhito]

Hi! I’m bidoofgodofdestruction. I want to say that I’m so sorry for having spread false rumors about your fic without reading it. That was wrong of me and stupidly transphobic. You don’t have to forgive me, or even respond to this, but I’m sorry to you for making accusations. Have a good day.

Hi Bidoof. First of all, I'd like to thank you for the opportunity to freely talk about some issues near and dear to my heart. I want to expand on how problematic these kinds of actions are. Why am I making an example of you in particular? Well, to put it simply; you annoy me. 

(Just so you know: Bidoof's “unpleasant run-in” with me was me telling her that she shouldn't judge writers for what they write. You can see my exact post linked here) Is there anything wrong with venting on your blog about a fic you weren’t fond of? No, not really. Begging people to send you asks to feel better? Annoying, but, whatever. Putting said vents in the fucking TAGS? Yeah uh, don’t do that. I would have preferred it if you directly messaged me to voice your qualms on my “Tags” (no, she didn’t even read the fic!) but you can’t, because you have me blocked. Actually, I even have you blocked, hence why you had to send this anonymously. Instead you yell out into your little echo chamber to get the approval from like minded followers on how gross my “Tags” are. If said followers hadn't said anything, you wouldn't have felt any remorse. You blocked someone trying to explain to you that you cannot judge the fic by its tags alone. Shout out to Nanacka, by the way. Absolutely lovely artist. 

Judging a book by it’s cover aside, I wanna talk about why this exact kind of thing is so problematic. How looking at LGBT content with a significantly more critical eye is killing content for LGBT people. 

You guys remember Dream Daddy right? The game that people criticised so harshly, not because of the plot line or the story or the art, but because of the way it portrayed it's little gay universe? Receiving criticism over being unrealistic, or appealing to female masses, even having uncompleted work in the coding dragged out and judged. That criticism then extended to fanartists, and eventually hype died out for the game because people were afraid of making content for it. 

Who would want to make an MLM dating game after seeing a reception like THAT? Have you noticed how every other queer visual novel-esque dating game that has come out since gives you the option of a cishet relationship? And how most of them don't receive the same criticisms Dream Daddy did? 

There's also the issue with calling things "gross and fetishistic". With criticising content because it may cater to fujoshis. You see, the inherent TERF rhetoric with calling women consuming queer media "gross and undesirable" aside, some of us gay men just want that? Sometimes as a mentally ill gay man, I want to read about an unhealthy relationship between my two favorite characters. This doesn't mean I like them any less. I'm exploring something I wouldn't want to explore in my real life. These aren’t real people, this is a fantasy I can explore through fiction, experiences I can connect to.

I have healthy relationships in my personal life, and I have had many that weren’t. The ability to explore these themes in a safe place, to be able to self analyse, is a critical skill and I think something everybody should indulge in. It has helped me to learn how to identify abusive behaviour before it has grown out of control. Being able to see characters I relate to go through similar things to what I have is important to me, and in my opinion, vital to good representation. Not everyone goes through trauma gracefully.

Like, do you know how much fanfic involves gay men having sex without any prior preparation? Yes, it can lead to misconceptions, but doesn't that more point to flaws in our education system? It is not my duty to teach the underaged child reading my fanfiction, written for adults, that perhaps they should wear a condom. 

I've gone way off topic. I just, never expected this to be the fic that got me squinted at, you know? A fic about two boys with vastly different sexual experiences fumbling around each other trying to figure things out. This is severely wholesome. 

You may think you are being a good ally, defending the rights of a transgender character. Their right not to be lewded or fetishised or used as a plot device. But in doing so, you risk belittling the experiences of trans people who relate to said character. Or shit, in this case, even, the trans author who wrote said character based off their own experiences! But you wouldn't know that, right? You didn't even fucking read it. You read the content warnings and drew your own conclusions.

Which brings me back to Bidoof, and her desire to constantly dictate what she sees in fandom. She defends it by saying "oh this is my comfort ship you're ruining my comfort ship". That's ridiculous for a multitude of reasons, people are comforted by vastly different things. You are comforted by your favourite couple holding hands, I am comforted by my favourite couple tearing each other apart in a toxic relationship I am so glad I would never be a part of. We are different people with different tastes, you cannot control fandom. 

And girl, leave Red the fuck aloooone omg. Don't think we don't see your vagueposts when you put them in the fucking TAGS!! You vagued about her in a server that she was in and then were shocked when she saw it. Everytime you say these things, they get back to the person. Every single time. My friends reached out to me about this, mutuals/acquaintances reached out to me, even people I've never spoken to reached out to me. 

I've seen you vaguepost about a 14 year old in a server she shared with you. In my eyes, knowing you are an adult, that's detestable behaviour. You're a hypocrite and a bully, acting as though you're doing the right thing because people have the "wrong opinions" telling people to "act normal". Seriously you can't see for a second how blatantly horrible that sounds? 

I'm just going to say, please don't send Bidoof hate. That's not going to solve anything. My fic is fine, I will survive, and I'm grateful to have actually seen her apologise, even if I do not forgive her. I'm honestly more angry over the fact she thinks it's fine to continue to be such a bully, or that she's justified in doing so.

Sorry to have made you "ill" with my wholesome trans porn. Don't worry, you won't have to see any of my "nasty" stuff in the tags from now on. 

[bizarrelovesquare]

Hello, it’s Evie, and this is my new account!

brief explanation under the cut so I can get it off my chest, but it’s not required to read <3

I realized over the last several months that I did not like being perceived the way I was online, and that I have the power to just walk away and start over on a smaller scale and avoid anything I don’t want to be part of. In July, with no warning, I cleared out and abandoned/deactivated any accounts around the web that didn’t make me happy. All I have now are this, pinterest, ao3, and a new private twitter just for close friends.

Being online had come to feel like an expectation, no longer something for recreation, and most of it wasn’t fun. It honestly had been feeling that way for awhile, but I reached the last straw when I briefly got involved with a fandom on twitter (yuck) several months ago that was absolutely horrid. I realized what a mess it all really was, I finally snapped, and I got the hell away from everything and everyone.

It was easy to leave other sites because there was so much that I wanted to escape from--the hostility and toxicity, people’s dumbassery, the feeling of not being adequate enough as an artist, the pressure to get constant interaction, feeling like I was being watched all the time by hundreds to thousands of people who didn’t care about me as a person, etc. Social media was too much for my introvert self. However, I was on the fence about what I wanted to do with tumblr, so I sat on it for two months and mulled it over. I actually love this site because it’s mostly chill and has the best format, it’s creative, and it’s easy to avoid anything you don’t want to see, but I just didn’t love the baggage that I had on my old blog. I’d been on there since 2013 and had grown and changed a lot, particularly over the past year, and there was so much way back in there that didn’t represent who I’ve come to be, and it honestly made me feel stuck, even after I tried changing my url, giving that blog a makeover, and being more myself.

Several years ago, I spent an ungodly amount of time on this site trying to appeal to others, instead of letting myself just exist authentically and showcase all of my personality. I got fandom popular pretty early on, and for a long time, it made me feel like it was my duty to post about the things that got me popular and make original posts that my heart wasn’t even halfway into, worded in a way that would get notes. Keep in mind, I was younger and dumber when doing that and had nothing else going for me at that time (it was a low point in life). I definitely grew out of that mentality, but I couldn’t get away from all the posts I’d made that I no longer cared about that wouldn’t stop getting notes and the reputation I had developed for being known for a particular thing. I felt like there were too many followers who weren’t really there for me as a person or any other niche interests of mine, and it was really holding me back from just posting what I want and as much as I want, even after I quit caring and tried to just present as the real me. I knew it was my blog and it didn’t matter what others wanted, but I think the main thing was that I felt held back by my older ways of using tumblr, and I realized that I don’t want anything from that period of my life still attached to me. I didn’t know who I was back then, so I defined myself by an obsession. These days, I want people to see me as a whole person with a real life who just happens to also really like some things.

On top of that, again back when I was several years younger and at the lowest point of my life, I used to vent way too much about negative things in my personal life that don’t matter anymore, and even though I went through my archive and deleted them all, even though I know nobody else remembers them or is looking at them, I still knew that they happened, and I didn’t want that energy to keep following me. There was also evidence of ex-friendships and relationships I’m not proud of, ways I acted that I just don’t vibe with now, and just too much I remember that didn’t represent current-day me, and I want to actually break the connection to those memories. So with all of that, I decided I’d feel best to remake and start fresh. I got away from negative feelings everywhere else, so why not here, too? Any posts on the old blog that I love can eventually be reblogged over here. I’m going to curate a fresh new gallery of things I love, while feeling at peace about the whole thing.

My life is nothing like it was years ago. I’m actually happy with myself and my life and have been for nearly a year now. I know who I am now. I’ve healed/am healing from a lot of personal things. I have budding careers in everything I love and am working towards my dream life. I’m not ashamed of anything about myself. I still have bad days sometimes, but I don’t live in my misery. I like being positive and want to stay that way as much as possible.

I also never really let me show myself as a creator as much as I would have liked before, and I want to focus more on that from now on. As far as fan content goes, I’ve gotten back into writing fics and am no longer scared to share them. I’ve been working more on cosplay this year than I have in years. I also want to try to get into making gifs. Additionally, I am a writer (fiction and non), photographer, and aspiring designer in real life, so some original work might show up now and then, too, if it’s something I’m really proud of. I also want to post about mental health and recovery. My blog will still have plenty of fan content, but I want to sprinkle in some other things that are important to me as well.

I just want to be in a quiet peaceful corner among good people. Lately, I’ve realized that I want my life to be as lowkey as possible, both online and irl. I just want to vibe and do my thing for myself, surrounded by a few good friends. I learned way too late that fandoms are hell if you branch out too far, and that I also hate being in the spotlight, even in regards to things I create. I don’t exist for the consumption of others, and that’s such a freeing thing to realize. Anything I post/rb is solely because I want it on my blog; I don’t care what happens to it after I put it there. I post for me, I make my art for me (and sometimes my jobs), and if my friends enjoy it, and if I make new friends along the way, that’s awesome! But impressing everybody is just not a thing I can nor want to do anymore. You don’t have to run yourself ragged trying to spread yourself across the internet, whether as a fan or a creator. If a site was to disappear, what do all those likes and followers mean? Absolutely nothing. At the end of the day, all you have is you and how YOU feel about yourself, so spend your time on here (or anywhere, really) existing for you, first and foremost.

I’ve gone back to my very old internet days of not trying to impress anyone, while combining that mentality with the wisdom and sense of self that I’ve gained with age. Maybe you won’t be able to tell a difference, but I’m the one living in my head, and I definitely can tell that I’ve grown, a lot in my life has changed, and I am much more confident in myself, and I want to have a blog that 100% feels like me and has no bad associations attached. I’m not the first person to make a new account and won’t be the last. Things like this are supposed to mostly be FOR FUN, and too many people these days have gotten away from that. Don’t feel like you have to keep living up to some reputation that was built years ago, and don’t feel like you exist for others. Be yourself, embrace changes as you grow, do what’s comfortable and healthy for you and makes you happy, and the right people will like you for that. The most important of them being you. <3

[runawayface]

9, 43, 50 🤔

9. What are the best things about your current fandom?

I have never in my life seen a fandom so NICE!  Seriously, the SDV community is just so kind and welcoming, it's astounding.  I guess it makes sense given the source material we all know and love, SDV itself is a very wholesome game.  It's just surprising to me to see a fandom with so few bad eggs.  Most fandoms have at least a few toxic fans, but I have yet to encounter any in the year that I have been a part of this fandom.  It really makes it nice to share ideas or create content in a place where you feel safe to do so without judgement.  That's a big reason why I hope to stick around the SDV community for quite some time, it feels like home.

43. Is there anyone in your fandom who really inspires you?

Did you ask this question because you know that the answer is you? 😏 But seriously, you really are probably the most influential person for me in this community, your art inspires almost everything I do in this fandom.  There isn't a fic I've written where I haven't first pumped myself up by looking at your art for inspiration and the friendship that we've made over the last year is a large part of what keeps me going.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

50. How did you get into reading and/or writing fanfiction?

I first found myself deeply involved in a fandom some time around 2004 (my memory is crap, but that sounds about right).  I was fresh outta high school and had time on my hands, so I looked for other people who shared my interests.  That's when I discovered the concept of fandoms, online communities, fan fiction, fan art, etc.  Life changer right there, lemme tell you.  I met a FANTASTIC group of people, a few of whom I'm still friends with to this day.  It's funny how being in a safe, supportive environment with other people who share your interests just brings out the best in you.  I had never once in my life thought about writing, it was never anything that appealed to me.  Writing at that point meant essays and I absolutely hated those.  But get enough inspiration, support, and encouragement and WOW do you suddenly feel motivated to create something you never thought possible.  I dipped my toes into fan fiction and was hooked.

(for the Fanfic Writing meme)

[linskywords]

Why Hockey RPF?

Hey friends! This is a question I've been thinking about for a while, and I finally put together a list of my answers. Caveat that this is me attempting to analyze my own psychology and so may be very incomplete and/or wrong. :)

First, the general "why slash?" bits. These apply across fandoms (though I think some are extra strong in hockey, as I'll get to below).

One. Going against the script. I cannot stress enough how important this is to me in a romance. You know that thing where a man and a woman are in the same room together in a movie, so you know they're the love interests and they will kiss at the end? I hate that. It makes me feel like their love is probably fake. If they feel like they're supposed to be attracted to each other, and then they are attracted to each other, it probably isn't real attraction at all. Says my brain, anyway. If they feel like this person is not at all someone they could EVER be attracted to, and they're attracted anyway...it is instantly, like, fifty thousand times hotter to me. Works way better with gender for me than with other stuff that's traditionally been used in romance, like social class.

Two. Freedom from typical romantic gender roles. This has been said a lot, but: gender roles in romance SUCK. (They suck in most places. But romance really has a lot of them.) It's hard to grow up in a Western culture and not have an extremely conflicted relationship with them: you've been trained to find certain behaviors romantic, but you've also learned enough about feminism to question whether all of them are healthy or smart, and it's hard to write a satisfying romance when you're caught in the tangle of being drawn to the thing but also wondering if maybe you shouldn't be. It's so much easier for me to indulge my idtastic desires when I don't even have to think about whether I should be having the woman be the one taken care of, or if that makes her weak, so I should swap their roles, but then if she takes care of the guy does that mean she's doing all the work in the relationship and he's a giant man-baby...you see how that would bog you down. If both characters are men -- or women, or nonbinary -- it's easier to give them whatever roles I want without having to think about whether I'm furthering my own oppression.

Three. Getting to live in bodies that aren't our own. The previous point about gender roles can apply to femslash, too, and as a bi woman, I can get into that -- but sometimes it's better not to have to think about my own gender in the equation at all. There's so much crap associated with being a woman in our world, especially when it comes to sexuality. It can be liberating to write sex scenes when no bodies like mine are part of it even a little and you just don't have to negotiate the crap at all. This isn't an absolute for me -- I do write and enjoy femslash -- but I write way more slash than femslash, and I think this is part of it.

Four. Humanizing men. This is a big thing in a society (such as mine) where the best men are supposedly the ones who most embody a toxic masculinity where they don't experience normal human vulnerability or feelings. We're supposed to admire these men, and fall in love with them, and raise children with them (some of us), and it's so easy to resent and fear them instead. It is both satisfying and healing to portray men who are full of need and hurt and longing and love. Like, you know, humans are.

Five. Giving our desires power. In my culture, and in many others, men are the ones whose desires have power. A man wants a woman who doesn't want him back? He just needs to pursue her harder; she'll come around in the end, and if she doesn't, she's a heartless bitch. A woman wants a man who doesn't want her back? She's pathetic. Her desire makes her ridiculous. If you're a women who desires men, or who desires anyone at all, it's so humiliating to see your own desires minimalized and stripped of power like that. So if we want to write about our desires -- our desires for men, in particular -- it can be very satisfying to give those desires to another man. Those desires have POWER, then. They're legitimized. They have agency. We can revel in them without doubting our own right to have them.

So that's slash in general. Wow, there was a lot in there about cutting through the tangle of internalized patriarchy, wasn't there? Funny, that.

Hockey, though. Why hockey, amidst the many possible slash fandoms? Why did I start reading hockey RPF without ever having seen a game and fall for it so hard?

Six. The heteronormativity. And to take it a step further: the pressure in general to present yourself to the world as a certain type of person. I've written before about how a huge part of the appeal of the hockey world to me is the immense pressure it puts on its players -- which plays into the thing above about going against scripts, because the heteronormative script is extra in effect when it comes to professional sports, but it's not just that. These guys are under such a spotlight, and in exchange for their privilege and wealth they not only have to keep performing at an elite level that's hard to maintain, but they also have to force themselves into such a narrow, publicly acceptable mold. I'm not an athlete, so I can't relate to that specific set of pressures, but that makes them even more satisfying to write about. I can write about my feelings about the pressures that are on me -- the unwritten societal expectation to be important, successful, happy in easily recognized ways -- without having to think about those specific pressures, because I can substitute these ones instead.

Seven. Validation. I wrote above about giving our desires to men so that the desires have more power. In this case, it's giving the desires to successful, competent, famous people so that the desires have validity -- because the people who hold them have validity. Hockey players have the kind of prestigious, easily-recognized-at-cocktail-parties-and-high-school-reunions type of success that so many of us feel on one level or another than we should have, and they have it so unquestionably. When someone like that experiences a type of neediness I might feel -- the desperate longing for another person to notice them, the extreme obsession that comes with a crush, the miserable sureness that the person they want won't want them back -- that feeling is automatically valid, because THEY are valid. As someone who has felt a lot of longing in my life, I really enjoy exploring it in characters who have an automatic get-out-of-worthlessness free card.

So those are the navel-gazing ones, where hockey does the same kind of thing your average slash fandom does, but sometimes to a greater degree. Then there are the amazing storytelling benefits of the setting:

Eight. Team. Oh, team. Friends to lovers is my jam. I love writing characters who've spent so much time with someone, they don't even realize when their feelings for the other person cross the line from friendship to something else. This must be what friendship is, because it's what I feel for X person, who is my friend! And then the joy, of course, of having to see that person every day once you realize it isn't just friendship, and you're being tortured by knowing they'll never want you back (or so you think). Add in the thing where you and this person are fighting for something together every other day, where your successes bolster each other's, where your chemistry can mean the success of the team, and if you have a falling out (say, over someone's inappropriate crush) it could ruin your careers and the team's success...I mean, how do you resist a setup like that?

Nine. The flexibility of the setting. One of the wonderful things about hockey is that there's so much of it. If you want to set a story during a homestand, you can. If you want a road trip, you can find one. The season is seven months long, plus playoffs, and during those months you can set a story anytime and know that your characters will be seeing each other every day, creating lots of opportunities for interactions and relationship progress. And the hockey games themselves can feature -- but they don't have to. They can be just as important or unimportant as you need them to be for story purposes. Need your character to be down about something? Throw in a loss. Anxious about something? Mention a point drought. Sharing a happy moment with their person? Give them a win. If you're strictly following game schedules -- which I try to for the most part -- you might not be able to put those things exactly where you want them, but you can usually find a way to make your timeline match up with actual events. Unlike so many canons where there are specific, exciting adventures that have to be accounted for or worked around, hockey is years and years of fertile ground for whatever you want to put there.

(Corollary to the last one: this is a big part of why I find it so much easier and more fun to write fic than original fiction. When you write a novel, you usually need to create an actual plot, where external events impact each other and build to a conclusion. You can include a romance, but it has to be woven into these other events, and that gets complicated. Need a bonding moment? You'd better hope you designed your external plot to give them one. On the other hand, when you write fic, especially hockey fic, the hockey season can just march on merrily in the background, impacting your story only as much as you want it to, and you can pick and choose the parts of it that most strongly shape your romance. SO much easier to build and maintain a line of romantic tension that way.)

So those are my reasons. Put them all together, and they go a long way toward explaining why I write so much hockey -- and not just stories that borrow hockey players as characters, but stories set in the actual hockey world, with maybe an AU element, but hockey definitely present. There's just so much that the setting does for me and for my ability to write the stories that matter to me.

How about all of you?

[bi-lullaby]

I loved your last rankings so much that I'm sending you another fun (?!) challenge! How would you rate all these male GA characters from your favorite to least favorite, no ties allowed? :) Alex, Derek, Richard, Mark, Owen, Jackson, Burke, George, Andrew, Linc and Ben? Good luck, and as always, feel free to include your reasons why because I love your answers!

Ohhh boy you give me life with those asks! Here we go:

1 - As no surprise to anyone: Alex. My baby had the best character development I’ve ever seen, really, brcaus ewhile it was huge, it was also paced and believable and stabilished and non-linear. He was a huge asshole with a concealed heart of gold in season one. In season 15, he’s a golden boy with a concealed asshole side, and the growth/diminishment of those sides weren’t always inversely proportionate, but adjusted to what each characteristic was brought out more by his surroundings/worked more on by himself. Also, he’s the person that has stuck with mer for the longest and through the most, which would put him in a high place in this list even if he wasn’t my favorite on his own. I also adore how, thematically, he’s so moved by the women in his life (bot just the romantic i terests while we are at it) for the betterment of himself and hsi ways. It’s not like Owen’s “I’ll need her to take care of me emptionally and shape herself to my desires so I can be in a good place, it’s recognizing those positive influences in his life and trying to emulate them/work with them/learn from them. Also about his theme, itms less the worn-out “guy is validated in being an asshole bc he had a tough life” and more “guy learns that his tough life doesn’t mean he gotta act like an asshole”. I love this character so much, ugh.

2 - Ben. A freaking Disney prince would be a sleeazy douche in comparison. I was so weirded out when Shobda decided to give so much focus to this random-ass character, then I was really turned off by his storyline with the cutting people open and all that (not necessarily because I thought he was wrong, I just felt the storyline was handled awkwardly and made him sound pelutant and irresponsible instead of a promissing, if stubborn, future surgeon. I’ve yet to watch Station 19, but this angel with a scalpel and a fire hose for wings deserves his own goddamn spin-off, for sure.

3 - My baby Andrew. Yeah, he is not that developed, has been inconsistent, his change from “freaking out over Maggie being his boss” to “marvellung at Meredith’s every movie even though she’s kinda even more his boss because she owns the hospital” was... A B R U P T. But I really enjoy this new Andrew - as a side note: I could not care less for him during the whole Sam storyline, he seemed like a toned down Jonhy Bravo - He’s smart and sweet and funny and worships Mer like the Wonder Woman she is. His relationships with Arizona, Amelia, Jo, Carina and now Alex need more screentime because they’re great (or have the potential to be so). He’s competent and brilliant and selfless (dropping the charges on Alex even if he was completely in the right, taking the blame for mer now) and so tender (his absolute gentleness in peds, taking care of Amy after the operation, being a moody, emotive boy because he lost his love instead of a macho men...). The future holds great things for him, and I’m excited to watch them unfold!

4 - Not on your list but I love: Tom. Boy is he nice. As I was figuring out this order, I realized he reminds me a lot of my favorite character (Dean Winchester) - or at least what I think Dean would be if he was older, richer and lived without the Supernatural World and so many traumas. His talk to April was so moving and I felt it really helped. He doesn’t stand on a moral high horse: He does what he thinks is right and damned be judgment. He’s empathetic, he’s romantic, he treats Teddy RIGHT. He deserves to have his own storyline and be more developed and show us kore of his awesomeness.

5 - Jackson. As I said in my ships rating answer, I’ve only started to care for him recently, but I really do care. He’s not a character I’d, like, write fic about, or long rants and meta, but I love his sibling-esque relationship with Mer and his relationship with Maggie and the way he connects with his mom and how this spoiled, immature transfer with something to prove became a respected, innovative surgeon and father who’s secure of himself and ready to explore different paths and ways and worldviews. I just wish him, and the Grey’s fandom, would be less defensive about the callout of his privileged life. Like. I’ve seen people write paragraphs upon paragraphs about how Maggie was a bitch for calling him privileged. And he is (for his hoards upon hoards of money growing up). That’s not too hard a concept to grasp. Plus, it’d be nice if he could treat Maggie as less of a consolation prize/second chance. Just because faith (or lack thereof) was a source of tension in his previous marriage, and he feels like changing that would have made everything better, doesn’t mean the same applies to his current relationship, or that Maggie is the one who should change -he learned, learned, and is back in square one seeing only his side of it - I really hope this season treats him more kindly and gives him happiness and peace!

6 - Richard. I love him for his parental-and-ish relationships, specially to Maggie, Mer and Jackson, but to Bailey and Callie too. That’s my favorite aspect of him, watching those gives me a nice, warm feeling in my tummy and puts a smile on my face. There’s some aspects of him I find either boring or unpleasant, and I think it’s kinda annoying how him retiring has been a theme/conflict since, like, season one, and fast-foward ten years and he’s basically an entity at the hospital. Like? What? Was the point? You’ve waisted my time? For nothing? But he’s a solid, reliable character you can’t really hate and who brings more good than bad to the show by far. As a side note: one day I will yell at him for his treatment of Maggie after she talked about HER OWN HISTORY and he basically called her a mistake (although he apologized pretty soon and she forgave him so so will I).

7 - Mark. He was great and all that, but never sparked that love some characters did. I was sad when he died, I loved his scenes and relationships, I just am not invested in him. Plus the immaturity in his relationship with Lexie pisses me off a bit, as does his “man whore” personality.

8 - Link. Genuinely love him, he’s been nothing but sweet and kind and fun and helpful this entire time! I cheered for Merlink sooooo much imat first, and I really wish their friendship will be developed! Him and Jo are everything I never knew I needed. He has no arguable flaws besides being so sculped it freaks me out a little bit, but he isn’t higher up in my rank because there isn’t much material for that yet, but expect a climb as he becomes more and more regular.

9 - Burke. He was kinda sweet and did a good thing for Cristina (the hospital). He was also manipulative and arrogant and voundary-crossing in their relationship. I might like him better if it was bot for Burktina, but we will never know.

10 - Owen. Toxic as fuck, annoying, controlling, disgusting. Those are all things that very much apply to Owen in a lot of situations. Screaming at Cristina for “murdering their baby”? YIKES. Big no no. He was not suited for romantic relationships at all and I wish the show would realize that and allow him that space and breathing time without being stuck in a complicated relationship with loads of baggage or a love triangle. Because that’s my whole thing about him: I believe he has room for growth. His relationship with April is pretty amazing, he was always so considerate and gentle with her, all the time, and I want to see more of that bond. He loves kids and can be really good with them, he has a lot of things to work out with the traumas of his father’s death + war + his sister’s story. Why not focus on that? Why not show him growing and processing and bettering himself and living up to the potential he has? I feel like they gave the all the wrong romantic storylines to the character who’s otherwise really good and that’s such a shame because I really enjoyed him at first. Lets see what happens from now on, and if he gets a dose of tv’s “heterosexual love and a nuclear biological family solve everything!” medicine or if this is a turning point for him.

11 - Derek. He never really had any appeal to me. Not his face, not his personality, not his storylines or plot points pr the actor. That’s reason enough for him to rank low, but I also think he had some really bad traits. He was arrogant and condescending and had a God complex and was sexist and pushy and just not great for the people around him. Exploiting Amy’s addiction being outed to steal surgeries? Refusing to give Mer credit on their clinic trial? Putting ultimatums on his girlfriend that she either has to be ready for a full, committed relationship or end things, then call her a slut when she sleeps with other guys after they broke up? Cheating on Addison after deciding to work things out? Stringing mer and addie along? Not saying he was married in the first place? Pushing Mer’s boundaries after she was clearly uncomfortable with having slept with her boss? Refusing to have an inch of empathy for Mer’s action regarding the trial despite her complicated history with the people she was trying to help (who were her friends, actually?)? Telling his depressed girlfriend that she should be concerned the happiest part of his day was flirting with another girl from the bar? Ratting out on Richard to the board because he wanted the spot? Not acknowledging Mer’s trauma after the shooting? Kissing nurse Rose while building the dream house? Kissing his student while being married in NY? Pushing his wife to move and saying his career was more important than his after he had compromised on letting her shine? All things that, isolated, can even be understood on context and “everyone makes mistakes”, but that when put together, make it pretty clear it’s a pattern of someone with very little regard to the people around him. Was he a good surgeon? Yeah. Great father as well. He also had some interesting relationships and iconic scenes, truly, I can recognize that. I hurt for the people he loved and left behind (and I genuinely think he loved them and meant well), but he himself I don’t miss at all.

12 - I think George is the clearest contrast between how old greys handled matters of sexism and gender and sexuality and how it does now. He was such a sleazy nice guy at times, it is unbearable to me. And he ranks lower than Derek because A) His relationships also bored me while Derek’s could pique my interest at times, B) There’s no talk about his mistakes. Remember when he (in his own words) took advantage of Meredith being on a terrible, delicate, vulnerable place (still hiding her mother’s Alzheimer’s and seeing a person be blown to pieces and being dumped by who she thought was the one and being rejected by her father for the second time after seeing him for the first time in tweenty years) and, knowing that she was not interested in him, pursued her, then after she started crying because of the literal pile of shit she was having to carry around (and still trying to preserve his feelings), got mad at her and everyone sided with him? It baffled younger me to bits that what Mer had “done” was so terrible, it has not stoped bafflinn me in the years that have passed since. Can you imagine any of the girls crying during sex because they’re so overwhelmed and feel like that’s a mistake, and the guy freaks out on them and they’re instantly ostracized by the narrative and characters? That’s essentially criticizing her for the right of saying no, of stopping when she doesn’t want to continue, of not giving away her time and feels just because a goofy guy who is her friend feels entitled to them. That’s the word: entitled. He literally says he “saw her first”. How’s that not Nice Guy 101? I would understand his ego being bruised, but the guilt tripping and the bitching and the fact none of that is treated as a fucking creepy thing? Yikes. Also how he treated Callie, who deserved so, so much better. And even Olivia who was perfectly lovely and did nothing wrong besides having sex with more than one guy without breaking either of their trusts because she wasn’t in a relationship with any of them. Did he do some good things? Sure did! Joey’s surgery costs being cut, helping Bailey give birth, some of his interactions with patients were really sweet, and he died giving his life for someone else. It’s just that consequence-less sexism and entitlement that never gets adressed and gets treated as not only valid, but right, that makes him go rom unappealing to downright hated for me. Better left in the past where people can misplacedly idolize him!

Thank you so much for asking, I love those thought-inspiring asks! <3

[squishymamasboy]

my grey opinion on the new star wars movie

TL;DR comes first: It wasn’t a good movie but I loved it and I had fun!!

so yeah, tbh, after the first and second movie I stopped reading up on theories and what-might-happen posts and that was a very healthy decision because this fandom is so full of emotions and personal opinions that I didn’t even know what my own was anymore. Like I was so caught up in discourses that I stopped seeing the movies as something that I should just enjoy.

Obviously I see the problems and agree with shitty stuff like not making Finn and Poe canon. I hate it when people harass producers about their ships and try to make it canon but in this case I can absolutely understand the disappointment because not only did they hint at it (even the actors were supportive of it), it is also very clear that disney was simply afraid of doing it. What’s even worse is: on the one side Nazis hate it because of the 2 second lesbian kiss on screen and on the other side we hate it because that lesbian kiss was once again breadcrumbs that we are supposed to praise them for. But that’s all we’ve been getting for a decade now and I’m tired of it. So there’s that.

In case of plot... I mean, they already lost me after the first movie. It was bound to be bad when we realised that it’s the same plot as the original trilogy. Which I can only appreciate in a sense that it’s supposed to bring the original story closer to the younger audience. Fair enough. But it doesn’t bring anything new to the table. It’s not innovative and that’s disappointing.

And that’s about all that I criticise I think... You can hate the fan service in TROS but I loved it. It’s expected and I enjoyed it because those moments were part of the story and not just thrown to our feet like a treat. Reading up on some discourse now I realise that the second movie was done by someone else and now Abrams was kind of trying to thread everything together and lead it back to his own story again. Which basically makes the second movie irrelevant and makes the third one feel like two movies that were cut together. I didn’t mind it much though. And I kind of liked the fast pacing because I tend to get bored quite easily.

Now to the most sensitive subject: Reylo

Like... I can see the appeal but I can also see why people hate it. I’m not proud of the Reylo fic I wrote and certainly not proud of the fact that it’s my most successful fic. But that might just be because it’s the biggest franchise that I’ve written for in general.

It’s a ship that is hella problematic and fucked up but I tend to like fucked up things while still acknowledging the problems. And even though I shipped Reylo a little I never wanted it to be canon. And before the last movie I was like “I’m so over this ship” but THEN THEY DID IT SO WELL?

Like... I don’t know man, I think they handled Kylo Ren/Ben’s story really well and I’m glad he died at the end because obviously the movie couldn’t end with him being alive because there would’ve been no time address all the problematic things he did. He maybe would’ve celebrated with everyone during the last scene and the really interesting and important stuff would’ve stayed unresolved. With his death he didn’t redeem himself completely but a little, in my opinion. He’s like Snape, doing everything for the wrong reasons but he’s a very interesting character in itself. 

And I get it. I also hate that people are so quick to forgive him and want him to be redeemed when a person of colour would have been demonised within a blink. We’re living in a world where white straight men are the only people that are portrayed as redeemable. I hate hate hate hate that. And I understand that a lot of that anger is projected on Kylo Ren.

Kylo Ren has shown abusive behaviour by torturing and gaslighting Rey but Kylo Ren (or Ben) never has been just evil. He has been groomed and manipulated since childhood and this was the way he was taught. He’s like our mum or dad who were treated shitty by their parents and now they treat us shitty too because ‘they don’t know better’. But Kylo Ren is learning throughout the story. Not from the people who gave up on him but on the people he meets along the way (mostly Rey really, which is sad, there should have been other people too). I just wish they would’ve explored his reasoning a bit more. Because I was thinking ‘okay he’s helping her, but what comes after that? Why is he giving up on his thirst for power?' But I guess in the end it’s not Kylo Ren’s story. He’s just a plot device for Rey’s story and I kinda like that.

I think it’s interesting how he is struggling on the dark side because he feels the pull of the light and Rey is struggling because she feels the pull of the dark side. I like their bond and the idea behind it and he opened up to her so obviously she feels like she can save him.

Which is a whole nother problem. I have so many (girl)friends who stay with their abusive boyfriends because they think they can change them. It’s sooo toxic and I can see why people see it in Reylo. But she only tried in the second movie. In the last one she gave up on him and just followed her own path and to me it felt like he realised that he can only do it himself if he wants to. That’s why I really liked the scene with him and Han. It was a reflection of that scene when he killed his father, only now he had the strength to actually give up on the dark side. To me it was not Rey who triggered it by healing him. It was the death of his mother. That boy fucked up so much but his parents were still trying to save him. and I think a part of Leia was still with Ben, that’s why she didn’t vanish until he died.

And Ben died by giving his life to Rey, which was nice... I’m usually sad about the “get redeemed and die” trope but I think it was very fitting. And I have to admit I didn’t mind the kiss as much as I thought I would... If he had lived, I would’ve hated it because he obviously didn’t deserve it. That way though it didn’t matter anyway lol. BUT... it was actually a nice kiss. Because it wasn’t all tongue, it was just their lips being pressed together and almost had a platonic vibe to it? and I can totally see Rey giving platonic kisses to people? I REALLY LIKE THE IDEA OF PLATONIC KISSES. And obviously Ben has never kissed anyone and died a virgin so I’m not sure he felt like it was more than platonic either.

I DON’T KNOW I JUST LIKED IT. It seemed.... innocent. Which was unexpected, considering who they are.

And I liked that Reyfinnpoe had their final hug together because if it’s not finnpoe it’s obviously OT3 and anyone who hates it can block me pffhh.

so yeah, I had fun and I enjoyed it. I guess that’s all that matters at the end.

PS: OMG BUT STAR WARS OBVIOUSLY HAS DRAGONBALL Z/SUPERNATURAL SYNDROME. Everything has to become bigger and every enemy has to be worse than the last (even though this enemy literally is the same throughout all 9 movies ooff)

PS2: now that I’m going through the tag I see people either hating Ben and wishing him dead (HE ALREADY DIED GUYS) or either complaining that he deserved better and that he was so hot and pure. AND I HATE BOTH OF KIND OF PEOPLE ASKJHFDjffg

[bigskydreaming]

And another thing!

Can we like, just collectively fuck offffffff with this whole ‘the natural opposite to Bruce’s abusive relationship with Jason is Jason having a warm, nurturing relationship with Talia after she adopts a pseudo maternal role with him when she dumps him in the Lazarus Pit’?

This trend has kinda been around forever, but I feel like its been popping up in like, every Jason-centric fic I read lately, and uggggh, dislike. Look, I actually feel no desire to defend Bruce and his parenting, ever. I try and go with AUs and canons like Young Justice where he’s like, Bad At It, but not to the point of the absolutely toxic abusive shit he’s guilty of in various writers’ runs in the comics, but that’s just because I want his kids to have nice things and his kids all at least WANTED Bruce to be a good father at one point. But if your take on Bruce is that he’s abusive despite his best intentions and the best thing for any one of his kids is to move on and get the hell away from him, I’m not gonna argue with you, or try and defend him in the slightest. I will read the fuck out of that, happily.

Until you try and pretend Talia’s not...just as bad?

Like, okay, I have complicated feelings on Talia, mostly because the shared universe nature of comics makes it impossible not to. She’s an extremely nuanced and complex character and has been for decades, which means I really enjoyed her and found her every bit as compelling as Bruce, until....Morrison happened. And I loathe Morrison’s dumbass writing and try and pay it as little heed as possible, so wherever possible, I go with one of the takes or canons or AUs where Bruce and Talia had fully consensual sex and she just never told him about Damian til later, because I will never ever ever excuse the date rape interpretation of Damian’s conception. And I’m fully aware that it was written that way largely BECAUSE Morrison’s a dumbass and most likely didn’t think through the full implications of what he probably just saw as an expedient way to give Bruce a longlost kid he knew nothing about, or how it would throw Talia’s character under the bus. It’s different with Dick and Tarantula, because Catalina didn’t have those decades of prior characterization and attachment, her agenda was pretty clear from not long after she debuted. (Although, we gotta talk about how just like with the aggressive man of color stereotype, the only times comics show a man being raped by a woman, its a woman of color. Pin in that for now).

So I mean, I don’t automatically write off Talia unless we’re dealing with a fic, AU or run in canon that clearly expresses its going with the version of events where she date raped Bruce. I vastly prefer being able to still enjoy her as the compelling equal and foil to Bruce that she was for a long fucking time before that. 

But even with that, the idea that she’s a superior parent to Bruce and a convenient candidate to step into the void he leaves in any of his sons’ lives, let alone Jason, and just...Do Better....umm...how about could we not?

Like, YMMV obviously, but to me the entire point of Talia in the context of her relationship with Bruce has always been she and Bruce are as alike as they are at odds. Selina and Bruce, the appeal of their romantic dynamic is they’re opposites. Talia and Bruce....they have far more in common than they don’t. They have different goals, different lengths they’re willing to go to, they’re not the SAME by any means, but they understand each other in a way few other characters do, because deep down, they always GET why the other one does what they do.

So I mean, I’m not saying Talia is inherently WORSE than Bruce, I’m just arguing that even with all of Bruce’s flaws, she’s usually not any BETTER. Like...its pretty much a lateral move.

Sure, you could easily WRITE Talia as being a loving maternal figure to Jason or Damian or anyone....but just the same as you could write Bruce being a healthy paternal figure to them. The potential is there in either character, depending on what takes in canon you choose to focus on and you clarify where and in what ways you’re diverging from any takes where they both devolve into outright abuse of their kids. Because both definitely have, and thus, you don’t get to just....handwave away any problems with Talia’s character (and parenting) and default to her as this superior parental figure on the basis that hey, she’s not Bruce. 

Like, okay....you want to write Jason moving on from Bruce and rejecting his attempts to reconcile because he’s come to view Bruce as having essentially raised them all to be child soldiers? I WILL TOTALLY BACK YOU ON THAT. I mean, the dude’s memorial to his SON, was a case containing his uniform and a plaque that said A GOOD SOLDIER. Case made, you know? Not one fucking argument from me. Your take is valid, and Jason’s complaint has my full backing.

But here’s the thing....if your fic does NOT significantly diverge from canon prior to Damian’s joining the rest of the Batfam, if it does NOT show Damian having a WILDLY different upbringing than he did in all versions of canon, and by extension, resulting in Damian having at least a somewhat different approach to interactions, worldview, mannerisms and ideology.....

Then no matter what relationship you craft between Jason and Talia, you are STILL swapping out his parental figure - who he resents for raising him as a child soldier - for another parental figure, who LITERALLY RAISED HER KID AS A CHILD SOLDIER.

Like, hellooooooo? Any take where Damian grew up in the League of Assassins without Talia objecting to him being trained with them or getting him the hell out of there, is a take where Talia literally does the exact same thing you’re holding against Bruce on Jason’s behalf. (While, I might add, ignoring that while Tim at least was well into  his teenage years by the time Bruce became his mentor, Dick, Cass and Damian ALL have this child soldier upbringing in common with Jason. It really doesn’t work to single Jason out as the only one who was victimized by their parent in this way).

But okay. Let’s say you’ve got an explanation for Damian’s upbringing or have written that differently. If you’re going with the take that Jason has a connection with Talia now because Talia’s the one who put him in the Pit and either brought him back to life or restored him to full coherency, then almost inevitably (because you COULD do this differently, but I’ve yet to see a take where a writer DOES)....you’re also going with the take that before coming back to Gotham, Jason trained with the League of Assassins, and this is how he was so competent by the time he went up against Bruce and the others, given that he wasn’t nearly as skilled back when he died at age fifteen.

And it really, really, REALLY bugs the fuck out of me that people so rarely spend much time or focus looking critically at Jason’s time with the League of Assassins, and how that contributed to his ideology and methodology as the Red Hood.

And this is a complaint I have both with fics/writers/headcanons that are pro-Jason and anti-Jason. 

Again, don’t get me wrong. I honestly don’t have a problem with Jason’s initial return to Gotham. Like, he can murder the fuck out of every rapist and crime boss he wants, I’ll be in the stands holding the OMG LOOK AT MY BABY, LOOK HOW GOOD AT MURDERING ASSHOLES HE IS sign and doing high kicks up and down the bleachers. 

But ESPECIALLY if your take on Bruce and his raising of Jason is that he was abusive and trained him as a child soldier.....it absolutely IMO does not work to overlook the role the League of Assassins...and by extension Talia....played in shaping the man he was when he first returned to Gotham. 

And they abso-fucking-lutely played a role.

Because Jason is not Bruce, was never going to be Bruce, was always going to clash with Bruce’s ideology in ways even Dick never did, especially when it came to killing. Even before Jason died, it was very well established that they did not see eye to eye there and likely never were going to. It IS part of Jason’s core characterization that he fundamentally disagrees on the subject of killing criminals, the worst of the worst. Whether you think he actually killed Felipe Garzonas before Bruce benched him, or whether you think he didn’t, or that it was an honest accident...this was a hard line they were always going to end up on opposite sides of, and that inevitably was destined to create at least SOME kind of divide in the family.

But thing is, arguing that its okay to kill a serial rapist they have evidence that should convict him, but who keeps getting away with it because of diplomatic immunity and legal loopholes that show how ineffective a corrupt justice system is.....is NOT the same thing as arguing even to kill a murderer in the name of avenging your son that he murdered.....and even THAT is still along way away from.....

tossing eight heads in a duffel bag down onto a table in the middle of a meeting of local crime bosses as an intimidation tactic.

Felipe? That was Jason’s own personal thoughts and morality, his own perspective on right and wrong at work there, 100% him. The Joker? That was a natural, easy to follow extrapolation of those same thoughts and perspective and how they might change and grow as a result of the trauma of what the Joker did to him and how it affected him.

But Jason’s tactics when he first came back to Gotham weren’t either of those things. They were textbook League of Assassins methodology and justification.

And its just fucking WEIRD to discount that when examining his character and how he changed from the Robin he was to the Red Hood he became.

Like, even with varying canon takes, the youngest Bruce took Jason in at has him at about twelve. He wasn’t a trained acrobat like Dick, he was a malnourished street kid with none of the head start on his training that Dick came to Bruce with, already having it under his belt. Everything Jason knew how to do as Robin, the detective work, swinging around Gotham on grappling hooks, various martial arts forms and mastery of weapons....Bruce had to train him in all that from scratch, and that took time. Jason was at the earliest still only like 13 or so when he became Robin. And pretty much every take I’ve ever seen on his death has him at around fifteen when the Joker killed him. That’s two, at most three years of time spent training and being Robin, under Bruce’s tutelage.

Then things split into two takes....some go with the sequence of events where Ra’s or Talia take Jason’s body right after his funeral and put him in the Lazarus Pit, others go with the sequence where he was resurrected on his own, and was found by Ra’s or Talia a year or two later, still largely catatonic, with them putting him in the Pit to heal his mind the rest of the way.

But either way, by the time Jason comes back to Gotham he’s put at around nineteen or twenty, with it usually said that it was five years after his death, and AT LEAST two or three of those years were spent training with the League of Assassins, or with other teachers thanks to Ra’s or Talia’s patronage.

So.....any way you cut it, if you’re going with a take where Jason’s skills post-Robin come from training with the League....he spent at LEAST as much time being trained by them, with their perspective, in their methods, according to their philosophies....as he spent being trained in all that by Bruce.

There is no angle here in which they didn’t play EVERY BIT as much of a role in shaping him as the man he resents for raising him as a child soldier! With it also largely unacknowledged that even WITHOUT the effects of Pit Madness from the Lazarus Pit, you’re talking about a KID, someone who was either fifteen or at most seventeen by the time the League started training him....who is recovering from a trauma the likes of which pretty much nobody can even comprehend. While nursing a massive grudge and resentments born of insecurities and issues that carried over from his fucked up childhood from even BEFORE he met Bruce, and that Bruce absolutely failed in addressing. 

Again, no matter how you look at it, we’re talking about an extremely traumatized and impressionable and suggestible minor, desperate for anything to hold onto, any ideology to grasp hold of, any justification to make sense of all the shit that’s happened to him and where he goes from here, a purpose, a way to move FORWARD.

Like.....I’m all for Jason resenting Bruce raising him as a child soldier. What I DON’T get, is neither him nor anyone writing him in this way displaying the same awareness of the fact that....the League literally raised him to be a child soldier after he was brought back.

Same shit, different generals. That’s it. But again, that’s not an upgrade! That’s not better for Jason! That’s not an improvement over Bruce! It’s literally a lateral move!

And if your take includes ANY aspect of Talia training or overseeing Jason’s training to help him get back at her ex, someone she definitely has issues with at the time, no matter what canon or existing adaptation you’re going with.....you’re talking about someone literally weaponizing a traumatized teenager against her ex.

Ummm. Yeah. We’re just....not gonna call that better for Jason, or healthier for Jason, or in any way, shape or form to JASON’S benefit, okay? Cuz its not. No matter what his issues with Bruce, no matter what your issues with Bruce as a reader or writer, no matter where you fall on the ‘is killing bad people bad, y/n’ spectrum.....it is just deeply WRONG to just generically write Talia as forming a maternal bond with Jason WHILE he’s being trained by the League she holds enormous influence over, even if not as much as her father.....and act like this is the opposite of Bruce and how he failed Jason. Instead of just more of the same.

Like sorry not sorry Talia, but if you actually give a shit about Jason when he comes out of the Pit all traumatized and chock full of issues....you put him in fucking THERAPY, not How To Be An Assassin and REALLY Get Back At Your Dad 101.

And it doesn’t have to be that way, to be clear. You can write Talia taking off with Jason and toddler Damian in the middle of the night, abandoning the League of Assassins to take both of them far away and hide them so Jason can heal and cope and find himself and Damian can grow up not learning how to poison people by age five. You do that, all my objections vanish, THAT is infinitely superior to Bruce’s parenting, and that’s a parental bond with Jason I can happily stan as being for his benefit and to his betterment.

But no fic where he debuts as the Red Hood with years of League training under his belt has that. And this oversight is realllllly starting to get on  my nerves, lol.

Again, from both sides of the Jason camp, pro and anti alike.

Cuz if you’re a Jason fan for any reason, no matter whether you’re in favor of him reconciling or bonding with any or all of the Batfamily or not, why WOULDN’T you want them acknowledging that who he is now and what he’s done as the Red Hood has every bit as much to do with the skills the League gave him and the philosophies the League taught him as it does with what he learned from Bruce? That he was conditioned in these things while in a highly vulnerable point in his life?

And if you’re not a Jason fan, no matter the reason, it is again, STILL a massive oversight not to acknowledge that his actions and agendas as the Red Hood stem from years of being trained as a teenage assassin while in a highly vulnerable and thus suggestible state and with a clear lack of other options or support systems to counter anything they taught him.

Like I said, I’m pro Red Hood, I love Jason, I agreed with him back when he was arguing with Bruce about Felipe Garzonas. Jason’s never targeted anyone but the worst of the worst and he’s always displayed an ability to see reason and back down, he’s not some mindless killing machine. I lean way more towards his philosophies than I do Bruce’s, even if I don’t always agree entirely, and part of my point here is like...this isn’t about judging Jason for his actions or like, ugh, I really like Jason but I think he’d be even better if he was less murder-y, you know, more like Dick.

But like...the rest of my point is that I just honestly don’t see Jason’s actions and professed ideologies as one hundred percent HIS natural perspective, not influenced to an unhealthy degree by others in a position to take advantage of him at more vulnerable times in his life and sway him more to their positions. And THAT’S my problem with how little people reflect on the role the League played in who he became, AND with the insertion of a maternal and nominally supportive bond with Talia that’s written as being superior and more to Jason’s benefit than anything he shared with Bruce.

LOL even when I don’t mean to, like I definitely didn’t when I started this post, I always seem to keep coming back to how alike Dick and Jason and their stories are and how well and how often they parallel each other, because its the exact same issue I have with Dick. They’re just a very easy way to point out certain things about the other.

Like, I’ve talked before about how I think Dick’s aversion to killing, not when others kill but when HE himself is presented with killing as an option - its really just him being terrified of disappointing Bruce and being abandoned by him if he does so, no matter that he’s an adult now. Because I DO agree and always have, that at the very least, Bruce was at times emotionally abusive with Dick and Jason at least, with a strong case to be made for Damian as well. (Tim’s harder to gauge given that most of his time under Bruce’s direct care was at a time when Bruce was overcompensating for all the things he missed with Jason and blamed himself for, and ever since Jason’s return, Tim’s written as being so independent and removed from Bruce’s influence that its more like Bruce rarely has the OPPORTUNITY to fuck things up with Tim to the degree he has with his other sons.)

Sorry. Digression. Point being, like, I do fully agree with the interpretation that Bruce’s rigid moral code and how forceful and insistent he was on imprinting it on Dick, Jason and Damian has at times been emotionally abusive, and I think the effect of that is most clearly demonstrated with Dick, due to the simple fact that Dick has spent more time under Bruce’s care and tutelage than all the others combined. 

So my problem with Dick’s aversion to killing and how its so often hyped up in canon and in fanfics as him being so like Bruce in this regard, or just a Boy Scout, or ‘too good’ or ‘too pure’ to ever kill, at least not without it ‘breaking him’....that’s got nothing to do with me wanting Dick to suddenly go all trigger happy and kill his enemies with no problem. It’s just because.....I don’t think its Dick’s moral code at work there. I think its Bruce’s, and the way Dick’s written sticking to it without any self-analysis of where it came from and WHY he clings to it so rigidly, I view as evidence of conditioning due to how he was raised. With Dick so focused on other areas where he pushed back against Bruce he’s never really realized that how thoroughly Bruce influenced him in this regard flew completely under his radar.

It’s not that I want Dick to kill more, its that I want his choice to kill or not to be based on HIS choices, HIS morality, and not just a kneejerk response to conditioning he’s never recognized as such because who doesn’t have blinders on in regards to parts of our childhoods, you know?

And then circling back to Jason, I went on that tangent to emphasize its the exact same thing there, just in reverse. It’s not even that I DON’T want Jason to kill his enemies, to have the same philosophy or ideology or methods as Bruce or Dick or Tim. It’s that I want his choice to kill or not to be based on HIS morality, as the result of conclusions he came to after having the time and space and distance to separate himself from his various teachers and surroundings and decide for himself just what it is he believes, what choices and instincts are his naturally, organically, and which ones are leftover from his training by the League, drilled in by his instructors - just as he’s taught himself to recognize when his old training and lessons from Bruce are kicking in.

Anyway.

tl;dr - Bruce sucks and is a terrible parent but lolololol unless you’re going well off the beaten path from canon and faaaaaar away from where the League of Assassins can get their hooks in Jason to any degree, like...Talia is not better. Let Jason be Jason, not just a child soldier raised by your general of choice and aimed in the general direction of philosophies you agree with more than their opposite.

[nusaran]

Up close and personal :) : 2💝, 3🧡, 5💛 , 6💖, 8💗, 11💜, 12💞, 14💕!

💝Are any of your OCs based off of people in your own life? 

They have not been introduced yet, but Darth Atrea is based on my Physics teacher in my IB years. The first one to encourage me and I switched from wanting to study law to Physics! 

In my Skyrim fic, all of the main cast are based on people in my life. They have evolved since then in terms of their characterisations, but their origins were from real people.

🧡When a friend or family member in real life asks you about your WIPs, do you feel comfortable talking about them?

Never with family. They think I outgrew it and I’d rather not have them look into what I have written. I have a few friends who do know and encourage it. But they are not in the fandoms per se. 

💛Do you and your OCs have any hobbies or interests in common?

Edenye likes dancing and to swim, like me. I used to do ballet casually and I swim whenever the outdoor pools here open. 

Ayera loves singing and playing with her magic. I used to go to a school that mandated us students to attend church twice a week and sing (I liked the singing part more obviously) the hymns. While playing with magic, for me it is comparable to adapting my science degrees to my fics. 

💖Have any of your WIPs helped you through a difficult time in your life? 

Voice of Strife is my emotional coping mechanism. Abandonment, sexual assault, not being able to truly trust someone who wants you do succeed, mental issues in terms of identity and not truly ever knowing what my capabilities are. All of that wrapped up in a fic that is 7 years old now and I am still not done.

Edenye is too. Mostly with being overlooked because of factors out of her control, like her hearing disorder, being the underdog in a very elitist and classist system (the school I went to I was the poorest even though at home my family was not compared to the others) and being sneered at for it. 

💗Share a single sentence from each of your WIPs that you think best describes the relationships you most cherish in real life.

“Maybethe appeal lay in the stark contrast; Edenye did not know.” 

My best friend, who has stuck with me through a really toxic relationship and other dark moments in either of our lives, and I are like opposites. She is brilliant with literature and law, politics and I am the science-leaning person who geeked out at a “Let’s fire simulated gamma radiation at a simulated snowman”- exercise. Some even wonder how we are like best/inseparable buddies. 

💜When your WIPs are best-sellers (because they absolutely will be!!!), who do you think will be happiest for you?

My best friend! 

💞List 3 tropes that you feature in your WIPs and explain why they’re important to you as a person.

Found family:. Edenye is that and Ayera too. They have no family when they start out and then either get adopted into it or find it by complete accident.

Earn your Happy Ending: I like writing catastrophes and putting massive mountains into the path of my OCs before I let them have a happy ending. Yes, they will have happy endings.

I couldn’t find anything on it, but I love working with prophecies in my WIPs! Considering I write mostly for Star Wars and Elder Scrolls you kinda have to work with them. My first RP character was a clairvoyant who influenced Edenye. While Ayera is the prophecised Chosen One. 

💕Have any of your WIPs (or the research you’ve done for them) changed the way you view the world around you?

I had a WIP going on a few years ago where I literally researched how normal people hear (I was 16 I did not have the vocab for it, it was either really pleasant, mildly painful, to extremely painful I will bash my head against the wall). It took some years to realise that I should just write how I hear stuff. It is not disability representation, but writing out some lines a few days ago just was eye-opening to a fraction of how others might feel like being actually represented. 

There are others, but mostly about sexual assault recovery, bullying recovery and I am not quite ready to talk about this. 

[wolvesdevour]

How Not to Write Gay Stories

I’m very torn between writing two different posts and there’s a chance these may combine, so we’ll see how this goes. There are two topics that are in my mind a fair amount: gay fetishism by women authors (both in fanfic & professional writing), and how to translate fanfic writing skills to professional writing (and how it can fail). Miraculously, perhaps, the book I just read, How (Not) To Ask a Boy to Prom by SJ Goslee is a fairly good example of both of these. 

The problem with addressing gay fetishism among women authors is that when is it fetishistic versus well-meaning? It’s hard for me to say why the originators of gay slash fic wrote the way they did, but its hard to miss that when fanfic especially grew prominent, over 80% of writers were women. In Star Trek fandom, the first gay slash fic was published by a woman in 1974: A Fragment Out of Time. By 1973, 90% of ST fan writers were women. 

To clear the air a little: women writers can write good gay stories. One of series I am currently read, The Realm of the Elderlings by Robin Hobb, includes many gay men, some of which are centered POVs. I will not say she is a perfect author, but I deeply enjoy how she writes men. For a good portion of the series, she shows a man growing up: he starts as a young boy, and we see how the men around him teach him to be a man. A very good portion of the lessons stray away from toxic masculinity. He is still taught to be a man, and there are certain “this is a manly trait” aspects (although when she features women as forefront POV, she often includes very similar lessons: ultimately nothing is exclusive to one’s sex, but society is what it is and they may learn lessons differently or overcome different hurdles).

She addresses writing gay men in this interview: Here’s the thing - when I meet a person, their gender identity is most often not the most important thing about them. If we become friends, it’s not because my first impulse is, “I will be friends with you because you’re female.” I mean, there’s a lot of women I can’t stand. There’s a lot of men that I absolutely can spend hours talking to. There are a lot of people on the whole gender spectrum and whether I become friends with them or not has nothing to do with that, so when I am writing these characters, although in some ways gender can influence a plot - for instance, if you want the prince and the princess to get married and live happily ever after in a medieval setting, gender is going to influence that - but for the most part, gender is not much more important than who has blue eyes. What’s more important is who is a skilled navigator, who is tough enough to survive a bad situation, who can think on their feet and find the creative solution to a problem they haven’t encountered before, and that’s got nothing to do with gender. So it was not that I said, “Gee, I will write a book with gay characters.” It was, I’m writing a book, this character has stepped out onto the stage, he’s told me about him- or herself, and this is who they are. As I said: I’m not here to say that women cannot write gay stories. But there is also gay fetishism. I am both a gay man and a trans man; I get a lot of “OMG, you’ll love this!” and cis or straight people presenting me with things that appear inclusive or caring. I personally don’t find memes like “Steve Rogers is a transwoman!”** or whatever amusing. Am I, say, happy to see that Loki is canonically not straight nor cisgender? Yes. I love that. (Does that potentially make Victor von Doom not straight, uh, I like to think so.) I like reading LGBT+ stories, but a good portion of them may not interest me, especially if the writer isn’t part of that demographic and has a tendency to post a lot of art, writing, or discuss a lot of how hot, cute, or general appealing it is that a character or couple are LGBT. That creeps me out. I’m not alone. Very not alone. Absolutely not alone. Here’s another post, this time by a woman that I appreciate:

The worst thing,” one gay friend said, “is that [women in the slash community] aren’t listening to me. You’re not listening when I tell you that you’re being hurtful.”

What I find especially difficult to convey is the nuances to when women write gay men versus when men do. I’ve been trying to collect “gay stories written by gay men” although due to publishing bias, this can be very difficult: As a queer, trans reader, I looked forward to seeing myself in their pages. But I was surprised to find that some LGBTQ-focused stories were reflecting not me, but a straight person’s imagination of me. [Link 1]

The current transman story I like is seen in Early Riser by Jasper Fforde. The character utterly blindsided me in a great way: he never appeared “omg trans” until it was forced to come to light. I appreciate him as well, as a character, because in a harsh survival world, he is a man who survives well. I especially see a lot of “transmen are soft uwu such boi” and I despise this. I did not survive everything in my life to be diminished to pastels and cute/sweet and childish-boyish characteristics.  Similarly, as a gay man, I am not there to be pretty, to serve as a fashion guru for straight people, to be soft and pretty and welcoming. And that’s not how gay men write themselves. This isn’t how transmen write themselves. As a writer, I struggled a lot on how to depict trans characters, and my largest lesson (and I certainly hope to published one day, but who knows) is that I never saw good examples of myself because most typically they are written by straight, cis women.  So what is so wrong with Goslee’s How (Not) To Ask A Boy to Prom? (There will absolutely be spoilers.) The main character is a teen boy who has long hair, loves succulents aggressively, loves narwhals, and has no male friends. His school is supportive of gay men: a very popular football player is gay and has supportive friends, another gay teen (who becomes his boyfriend) has very supportive friends. For some reason, this gay teen is incapable to do anything for himself. He loves art, doesn’t do sports, doesn’t really connect with his foster parents, and seems overly attached to his sister. He is effectively a very flat and “soft” person. Some guys are, of course. Some gay guys are more art, less sports. But the other men? Si & Bern? They’re equally soft. Si is described as soft, beautiful, kind, sweet. He has zero personality. He is described the same way, every time, and is overly described as soft, all men are soft, it’s like they bathe in fabric softener. Bern, the “bad boy” is barely... That. He is supposed to be gruff to the main character, but for the good portion, he is like the main character (Nolan), and Si. They are all the same person, ultimately. 

Bloom might be a good comparison to How (Not) To Ask a Boy to Prom. This is written by a man (Kevin Pancetta) and illustrated by a woman (Savanna Ganucheau). I don’t like the character design. Most of the gay men I showed it to asked if at one of the guys (or both) are women. But it is a story about a frustrated kid who wants to move out of his small town to Baltimore (okay: as a Marylander who grew up in a very small town and eventually moved to Baltimore, I kinda.... Get this), but meets another man who is older, but not creepily too old for him, and its a romance & vague coming of age story. If you grew up in a small city as LGBT+, it’s hard to find your sense of self. You miss out a lot on life; I think Ari reflects that: he wants to be himself.  A lot of this enters into my point 2: The problem of being a fanfic writer, or the pitfalls of translating fanfic writing skills to professional writing. Nolan is not a person; he has no strong characteristics. We’re told he likes narwhals and succulents, he is a foster child, he’s gay, and I have trouble quantifying him the way I do Ari because he’s so devoid of personality. Si is probably the least developed character at all, as the “perfect, Apollo-esque gay football player.” Bern is maybe the most developed, going from gruff-mean guy to gay softy--a motorcycling math nerd.  The problems with fanfic writing is that it is based on knowing characters. As fanfic writers, we don’t have to nail down reality, because there’s a whole piece devoted to who they are. We’re just filling in those blanks. The author seems to primarily be a Teen Wolf fanfic writer (her bio lists “werewolves,” but her tumblr blog is very devoted to Teen Wolf, so well). This brings up another creepy pitfall, which is beyond slash fic writing, there is the aspect of word usage. If you’ve been following my vague live-reading, I’ve been posting about the massive references to “puppy” and other trends. It is creepy to read out of context. 

It seems, according to reviews, that Goslee has trouble with this in her other book, Whatever: or how junior high became totally f$@ked. She has a stream of consciousness that doesn’t explain the main character’s thoughts or the world very well. In fanfic writing, this would end up being a slow burn. “Oh, but are they really going to date?” etc. In How Not, Nolan fake-dates Bern, and googles this concept, finding fanfic works. This gets weird for me, because it’s supposed to be an inside joke, I guess? “Hey teeny nerds: fanfics” but most gay men I know have a difficult relationship with fanfic and with fan community due to fetishism. We get pressed out of spaces a fair amount because of it. (One link above, the Mary Sue one, discusses how women do this.) Of course, this is meant to be a cute, happy book, right? Alright, it’s a cute, upbeat story. Except we don’t get a very good baseline for the world. Bern & Si’s friends are supportive. We get a form of negativity from Bern’s mother, who wishes he’d date his ex-gf, I think? (Bern is bisexual.) Or maybe just date women. So is there homophobia in this world or not? We aren’t given a good sense how Nolan’s parents feel that he is gay? It seems to wholly not discuss his foster parents barring “they are aggressively competitive, Tom makes crazy food concoctions and Marla talks to him about dating Bern.” As a whole, the parents are extremely unimportant other than they provide a home and food. Are they unusual for the area? (And knowing PA, that state can have some major issues.) Or is it common in this world? Is there a reason to not hand-hold? Do they every worry about homophobia when outside school? Do the teachers say shit? There is a lot to consider. The world-building is deeply lacking. Beyond the lack of world, we get a lot of fanfic trope writing. A lot of this I’ve seen from people on my dash who are Teen Wolf fans. I used to like the show & follow TW blogs; I’m not a massive fanfic reader (*ahem* a lot of gay fetishism), but I have read it. For series like TW, you may see what I consider “animalistic tropes;” such as tackling, growling, etc. There is a lot of this. A lot of people are tackling each other to the ground, growling, and there’s this weird moment when Bern grabs the nape of Nolan’s neck that while some men do this, it felt very strange in the moment, particularly aggressively? Because the author openly admits to writing werewolf fanfic, it feels like that is what it is. For authors who write both fanfic and seek to write professionally, this is a consideration. For a gay reader, it’s really weird for a guy to grab another guy’s “nape of the neck” affectionately. (As someone who has worked around large predators, albeit primarily felids, grabbing the neck is a sexual behavior, but that just makes this weirder.) Anyways, it really struck out as weird; just very very weird. Bern is mentioned to not be into PDA (which later in the book, they do it a fair amount it seems, that is also very weird? this happens a fair amount). 

Another part is that there is a lot of use of the word puppy. It is frequents so often that I’d have to stop reading because it was grossing me out. It sounds like that author is into puppy play. This isn’t to kink shame, but this is a YA novel and she writes werewolf fanfic. It starts seemingly, albeit weirdly innocuous with moments like “Bern was smooth and graceful while I was still growing out of my puppy paws” and “She tilted her head like a puppy” and “I followed him up the stairs like a puppy.” But it keeps happening. Then people start growling at each other and it just... Gets a very specific note. Mixed in with how smooth and hairless and Adonis-like the teens are written, especially by an adult woman fan, it feels... Well... It makes my skin crawl. I’m not saying that the author means to. I’m really not trying to be like ‘Hey, guys, sexual predator?” I really, really want to address that that is not my intention. My intention is that this compounds on itself. In the links about how the slash side of fandom can make gay men uncomfortable: this is the perfect example.  I’ve been to events with fans and found myself, barring maybe my fiance, to be the only gay man there. If I’m shipping two characters, such as when I went to a TAZ photoshoot, and my fiance and I are the only gay cosplayers, and almost the only men period, whereas a lot of women are screaming about how cute Taako is, that gets uncomfortable. It’s not about this one fandom. It’s all fandoms. Every single one has had this fetishization problem. It’s why I never entered the Lord of the Rings fandom. I was in middle school and found “my first” fandom, only to see all of the fanfic about Sam/Frodo ships and it grossed me out. As a teen boy, it creeped me out, that all these men had to be sexual to each other, and as I only came across women shipping men, it made it more and more ostracizing.  Maybe I should have addressed this earlier, but: Not all fetishization is sexual. It can be romantic, too. How (Not) to Ask a Boy to Prom’s relationships are about a teen boy who doesn’t want to date or go to prom. His sister makes him ask out Si, the big popular gay guy. Nolan/the author mocks the GSA (gay-straight alliance) club. While there are problems with some GSAs*, the author, a seemingly straight woman, is mocking an LGBT+ space. There is a chance she is bisexual; I haven’t managed to find otherwise, and that’s how this will appear to many people, as she has a husband. I will also note: a bisexual woman’s experience will differ from a gay man’s experience, and sometimes LGBT+ folks need to not speak for/over each other.  Nolan ends up fake-dating Bern due to a mistake, and there’s a bit of problem I have, with how for a good portion of the book, these gay teens “need to FAKE date”. Worse to me, is that Nolan, upon realizing he likes Bern, breaks up with him and ends up sleeping (non-sexually) in a bed with his sister, deciding to go to prom together. For a straight/cis-presenting women to write this, it’s... Got a lot of different baggage to it. Especially with how idealistic (but not for gay men) she writes the characters, it gets worse and worse. It makes the gay character seem just a little less gay. His relationship with his sister is odd. It’s not “cool” to really hang out with your sister at school; I know, I had a step sister & brother. We were all roughly the same age. If these two went to prom together in the real world? They would be mocked. Also, it really makes Nolan appear not actually gay. As a gay writer, I would have him, if not go at all, go stag. The message here is: it’s better to be straight than gay and without a boyfriend. Hence how it becomes fetishistic: Nolan’s sister, both of which are older teens (around 17-18 or so) sleep together in a bed. It may not be “coded as sexual” but it is ignorant of the history that “maybe gay men can be fixed.” They even dance at prom. This is one step below asking your mother to prom. She is still his sister. It creates a narrative that he, out of the blue, dumps his boyfriend to then sleep/cuddle with his sister and they go to prom. Again, this is seen more in fanfic: we often, especially with adopted siblings, see closeness that can become romantic or sexual. I have a fair amount of friends who are adopted and this trope style is infinitely horrifying to them. It makes them feel like that society doesn’t view them as actually family. It is also a real problem: adopted family members (especially kids) have been abused by their adopted family, as if “it’s okay, they’re not actually biologically family.”

While he does eventually get back together with Bern, it’s after prom that he does this. I don’t even know why Bern accepts him. Nolan has been truly awful to this guy. Goslee doesn’t seem to understand how tenuous gay men’s statuses are. This can be held against Nolan, if not for the simple creepy fact that he sleeps and goes to prom with his sister, that he goes to prom with a woman, he may get a lot of “But are you really gay?” comments. Especially because Nolan dates only one man before going to prom with his sister (and is the one to dump his boyfriend, who he was fake-dating).

Is there more on this I could write? Yes. I probably could, but I also have to get ready to go to a movie with my fiance. So uh... Maybe there will be a part 2? We’ll see. _______ *I personally was forced out of my college’s GSA because the group was actually gay/bisexual people having orgies. So, yea, there’s some problems with certain LGBT+ spaces and being actually open to LGBT+ folks. It was also extremely transphobic and ace-phobic.  **My point with this for clarification is that: I don’t want to be bribed with “lol this person is LGBT+ cuuuute!?” headcanon or otherwise. I am fine with that form of headcanoning, or AUs, but the idea of playing with gender identity and pulling it off as cute, especially by cis or straight people is skeevy and at best, ignorant, at worst, fetishistic.  Link List: LGBT Exploitation in Fandom: we are not here for your entertainment

Fetishizing Homosexuality

gbpt boys’ ask about women readers of mlm stories

The Mary Sue’s On The Fetishization of Gay Men by Women in the Slash Community

Why Are So Many Gay Romances Written By Straight Women?

The Lack of Published Gay YA by Gay Authors? Let’s Talk About It

[crsinclair]

@theunemployedrogue I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE.  Very clever, haha! (This is three and a half pages of text, holy granola-)

A – Ships that you currently like a lot. (They don't have to be OTPs because not everyone has OTPS.) Friendships, pairings, threesomes, etc. are allowed.

I'm gonna name three, because why not?

Shance (Voltron) – I have written literal essays about this ship and I will defend their love until my dying breath. I still believe it might be end-game in canon, but if it isn't then that's what fanfic is for!

Dai-Nana-Han | Team 7 (Naruto) – Platonic! Naruto was one of the first anime/manga I got into as a young preteen (though not my first anime/manga by FAR), and while I shipped the hell out of everyone romantically as a scrappy kid, as an adult I see more value in them together as a team – as a family. Being able to find your family of choice at such a young age is such a blessing, and you will absolutely catch me crying in the club while reading a #Team 7 As Family fic, because gosh darn it they are so supportive of each other.

If Kakashi is a part of their family then catch me flooding the club with my tears.

Erasermic/Maizawa (BNHA) – DO I EVEN NEED TO SAY THIS IS ONE OF MY OTPS??? My love for this ship is pouring out of my ears. I have songs, I have poems, I have AUs and headcanons, and goddamnit if canon isn't throwing the ship at me at every turn nowadays.

C – A ship you have never liked and probably never will.

BakuDeku (BNHA) (Is that even the ship name??) - I can see the appeal for most people – childhood friends, former bully falls in love with his victum, the hatesex, ect. I CAN SEE THE APPEAL. For me though, it's a big NO. I was very, very heavily bullied as a kid. My most stalwart bullies' names are seared into my brain and every time I come across a person sharing their name I have a panic attack because what if it's them? What if they remember me and make my life hell again? So I could never pair a character I love with their bully. Just. No. Hard stop. If you ship it yourself, I'm not a hater. Ship what you ship! Just don't expect me to ship it personally.

I – Has tumblr caused you to stop liking any fandoms, if so, which and why?

Nope! Not a single one. I've had a few pairings that Tumblr got me to stop liking, but a fandom as a whole? Nah. I know when it's a select few being toxic as opposed to a whole group and when it's appropriate to step back from them. My love for fandom is MY love, and no person independent of the fandom will ever make me stop loving.

L – Say something genuinely nice about a character who isn't one of your favs. (Characters you're neutral about are fair game, as are characters you merely dislike. Characters that you absolutely loathe with the fire of ten thousand suns are exempt, as there is no point in giving yourself an aneurysm over a character that you hate.)

Uh. Well, I...I don't have characters that I just passively like/dislike?? I honestly think the closest I've got to that Is Mineta, and that's more hate so I'm not going to bother with him. Um. So...

I think I'll use this part to expand on my opinion of Bakugou! I LOVE HIS CHARACTER. If he was a real person, would I ever be friends with him? HELL NO. I would hate him if he were an actual person. But his character is very well written. He's one of the most intriguing characters of BNHA because he's got so many layers – kinda like a very angry onion – that I can't help but love him.

N – Name 3 things you wish you saw more of in your main fandom (or fandom of choice).

*cracks knuckles* AIGHT HERE WE GO.

Lance (Voltron) – I love him, and because I love him, this is what I'd like to see more of: Lance and the CANON QUALITIES he brings to Voltron. Yes, he's smart. Yes, he's friendly. And yes, he can be a BAMF. But he is NOT secretly a CIA agent with hardcore skills that his teammates just don't see or notice. His smarts come from his adaptability and ability to think outside the box. He's not a tech/engineering wizard – he knows just enough to know what's up and get the right person on it, and MAYBE he can MacGuyver something. But he's not Pidge or Hunk. AND THAT'S OKAY. He's friendly, and that makes him great with Diplomacy – but I wouldn't put him in charge of all negotiations because of that. Lance can be hella abrasive. Just look at his relationship with Keith and Allura. With proper training he'd be a FANTASIC diplomat, but he doesn't have that training yet. AND THAT'S OKAY. Lance is a magnificent shot, his flexibility leaves pole dancers green with envy, and HELLOOO, Paladin of Voltron! He's pretty awesome! But he's not GOD. He's not the second coming of Space Jesus. He's Lance. AND. THAT'S. O. KAY.

We'll see him grow into his own in time, and I'm eagerly awaiting that. In the meantime, please give me Lance with his canon qualities.

Naruto – I would LOVE to see more Dai-Nana-Han | Team 7 As Family fics. Specifically reboots of the series, because tiny Naruto and tiny Sasuke and tiny Sakura are SOOOO CUUUTE.

All Fandoms – PLATONIC LOVE IN GENERAL?? PLEASE????

R – Which friendship/platonic relationship is your favorite in fandom?

Dai-Nana-Han | Team 7 (Naruto) – Though you guys...probably guessed that one, aha.

Klance (Voltron) – I made a post about this ages ago and honestly that's all I want with Klance. Just platonic love between them.

Uraraka/Izuku (BNHA) – I love the idea of them being platonic besties?? If they ever get together in canon that'd be cute, but – come on. Guys. GUYS. There is so much to be said about two people who validate each other without being romantic. And she's his first friend at UA! FRIENDSHIP! SO YOUTHFUL! (Wait, wrong fandom- )

S – Show us an example of your personal headcanon (prompts original but encouraged)

HEADCANONS BOY HOWDY I HOPE Y'ALL ARE READY

Pidge (Voltron) – This one hurts but also gives me life. My headcanon for Pidge is that, at a young age, they figured out that were Trans. Told the family, all the Holts were super supportive, and Katie was born. But then the Kerberos mission happened, and Katie realized that she was too well known to infiltrate the Garrison as a female. But...she'd be able to go in as a male. So despite having come out, despite finally having the name and hair and lifestyle she was comfortable and happy with...she cut her hair and went back into the closet to find her family. Which is why Pidge coming out as female to the crew was such a big deal – it was not, “Oh I was born female, I don't actually have a dick, sorry I just want to make sure I don't surprise you guys in the future,” it was, “I am Trans, and these are my pronouns.” People headcanoning Pidge as gender neutral is great, I just personally feel that invalidates her coming out as female to the Voltron crew in the first season. That was a big moment for her, and her pronouns deserve to be respected.

Tokoyami Fumikage (BNHA) – This one is kinda morbid, sorry. Dark Shadow is his twin that died iin the womb. If Dark Shadow had been born, they both would have had the same Quirk – a moving, physical shadow – but more akin to Nara Shikamaru's family jutsu. But now Tokoyami has a living, breathing Quirk that is honestly one of the most badass Quirks in all of BNHA. It also explains why his Quirk has its own personality separate form Tokoyami, why he has some measure of control but not complete control, and maybe why it's so terrifyingly...terrifying.

Aizawa Shouta (BNHA) – These are simple and put my soul at peace. He can't eat spicy foods. Like. At all. His mouth catches fire and honestly the chemical reaction makes his chronic dry eye worse. He's also glutten intolerant. Aizawa failed the Hero Entrance Exam but gained enough Rescue Points to impress the teachers and got told in his acceptance letter to Gen Studies to try again at the Sports Festival for a spot in the Heroes Course. He also excelled at Gymnastics in middle school.

Ash Ketchum (Pokemon) – THIS IS OUT OF LEFT FIELD BUT. I have not watched the anime beyond the Hoenn region, but guys. GUYS. FIRST EPISODE? ASH DIED. “What? No he didn't~!” Okay but listen. LISTEN! That moment when the lightning struck when Pikachu did a Thunder, there were Spearows all around, a bike right next to them Pikachu was in front of Ash – AND YET. AND MOTHER-FECKING YET. When Ash woke up, the bike was fecking CHARRED and lying several meters away, the Spearows were NOWHERE – one can only assume that most of them have been DISINTEGRATED (one of them lived, as evidenced by the end of season one in the episode when Ash was attacked by a Fearow and had to give up his newly evolved Pigeot) – Pikachu is laying next to Ash, and while both of them are banged up and exhausted, they are alive. AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF? HO-OH IS FLYING AWAY IN THE DISTANCE. What is Ho-oh a legendary for? Huh? Go on, say it with me – RESUR-FECKING-RECTION. HE'S THE GODS-DAMNED PHOENIX OF THE POKEMON WORLD. TELL ME TO MY FACE THAT HO-OH DIDN'T BRING ASH BACK FROM THE FECKING DEAD, I DARE YOU. I MOTHER-FECKING TRIPLE DOG FARE YOU-