#did i just write trans Bee? i think i did

[moonlight-tmd]

Okay, i know i’ll explore more of this but i want to hear your thoughts on this too.

Femme frame bumblebee? He’s still a mech but he’s definitely built with the aft and curves of a femme and even has heel struts instead of regular pedes. He knows he’s built and his frame compliments his doorwings.

He usually wears a bulky over armor but it gets damaged in battle and breaks off revealing him in the heat of a battle that just stops?

His teams reaction?

Blitzwings reaction?

Before or after they start dating. If after blitzwing didn’t know b/c bee has trauma.

oooh i get it, like @toxxicpill design. I always imagined him a little feminine, just more blocky instead of smooth curves.

hmm, i mean, sure he would be a bit curvy, the doorwings are a nice touch for him cough happy flutters cough cough. I am a little disappointed that they decided to gender the robots but eh, 2000's cartoons i guess.

He is a bit curvy on top of the blocky frame, the heeled pedes are not uncommon, i mean Prowl has these- he kinda looks like Elita overall, his subspace is moved down to cover his aft in this since he has doorwings (yes it does look like earth bumblebee's abdonmen). Yes, he does wear additional armor to apprear more bulky over his chassis and shoulders, he doesn't like how everyone kept staring at his chassis. I always imagine Bee and Prowl are almost the same height, only that Prowl is few inches taller and way slimmer than Bee (I mean, he is a motorbike. They are rather small, even when compared to tiny cars). So without the top armor, Bee is almost half the width he was.

I imagine the only one who'll know is Ratchet. I mean, he fixes Bee all the time and there is no way he wouldn't know that the upper part of Bee's armor is not his original frame. Ratchet is a medic, he's not gonna judge anyone- well, unless you say or do something stupid. Then he's gonna judge you all he wants.

So yeh, bots and cons fight over Allspark shard- idk, maybe some stray blaster shot hits him on the chassis and the thing breaks, it's not completely broken but heavily damaged. Now, this is a battlefield. I don't think anyone would stop to look at Bee's badongahonkas, especially when there's such an important item involved.

After that, sure the team is surprised that Bee's frame is actually different from what they see so often but nobody hates him for it. They're not homo/trans/any lgbt+-phobic. And they don't have genders in the first place, everyone chooses how they want to portray themselves.

When his additional armor is being fixed, there's not much of a change. Sure, others throw glances at him more often but nothing else- the only one to have a visible reaction would be Optimus. Bee already reminded him of Elita when he met him, and seeing Bee look even more like Elita is weird, if it isn't raising some questions... he almost slips and calls him Elita.

Sari thinks Bee looks pretty, and may or may not be trying to get him more armor pieces like that so he can be a full-blown knight.

The repair was quick so no Elite Guard reaction- but if they were to witness this, Sentinel would be the first afthole to stare at Bee's chassis as if to take that armor off with his processor power. Jettwins and Jazz would have respect and try to keep SP away from the young bot- as they always do, just this time the reason is different. They all have no idea how Sentinel can be so awful and still keep his job...

Now you want Blitzy's reaction, alright.

That stray blaster shot might have been his and he struck Bee on accident. He does catch a quick look at Bee's slim frame before his team calls on retreat. If they weren't dating then he would be a little bit pervy in his mind, he wouldn't bring it up with the scout tho, he's not sexist.

If they were dating, he would wonder why Bee didn't tell him. He asks about it the next meeting they have- Bee's armor has been fixed by then. Sure enough, Bee confesses that he was forged a femme but decided to be a He. He wears additional armor because he didn't have credits for changing his frame type and had enough of other bots calling him and grabbing him rudely. Wasp was one of those bots, he harrased Bee with no mercy until Longarm saved him.

Blitz feels both sorry and hella ANGY. How could anyone treat his precious hummel like that?! And they say Decepticons are evil- if anyone is racist, sexist and disrespectful about such basic things as appearance and behavior, it's the Autobots. The 'cons murder everyone equally, not just the "freaks".

Once Bee gains enough confidence then he'd show Blitzwing his real frame. And Blitzwing will have some pervy thoughts he'd keep to himself only. He loves Bee, and seeing him even smaller than how he was already is adorable. Blitz is the only one that Bee lets grab him like that. And Blitzwing can't help but admit his hummel's chassis is a great pillow.

[maxphilippa]

If this "hcs, first impression and character development" thingy is still on

Can you do either Trophy or Suitcase 🛐

Trophy:

First Impression: Before I saw the series, I actually thought that Trophy was a girl. Mostly due to one of his popular headcanons. I saw him as an somewhat passive aggresive jock before doing so, judging solely from his scenes, but he really only got to that after arriving to the Hotel.

Character Development: We all know that he could have been a pretty graté character if he only had more time, so I would have liked to see him become an passive aggresive jock who's soft to those who we cares about and tries to help but is much more of a dick instead, and probably make him grow as a person thanks to Cheesy and Trophy. You know the whole "every character in II are stereotypes in a way" thing? Imagine Trophy becoming a better person for the comedic relief and the weakling. Him getting attached and being vulnerable. I would have liked to see him become one of the final contestants too. In terms of development, he could have definitely been like Knife. In my interpretation he's just an jock who's tired and kind of a dick but genuinely tries to become a better person at the end.

Headcanons: He's a jerd. A jock who's a nerd. He's awfully smart in things he likes/finds interesting. He knows everything about photography AND flowers. Knows how to cook pretty well too. He likes butterflies a lot, but finds ladybugs to be more charming, and bees are his favorite insect. He's generally pretty chill nowdays, just doing his thing but still has some of that ol' anger issues but he genuinely wants to get better for... Tissues and Cheesy. And Soap, maybe. When it comes to sexuality/gender headcanons, I actually don't know what's going on with him! But I think that he would be Parosexual to me! Polyamorous too! And meanwhile I hc him as cis and GNC, I find the hcs of him being trans (both transfem + transmasc or anything) pretty cool too!

Suitcase:

First Impression: "Oh baby, how much trauma can you hold before you realize that you didn't have to?". She looked so... sad. I had a vibe with her I don't know. She just got me in the way that Mic did but differently.

Character Development: Now, don't get me wrong. I absolutely love Suitcase's arc and her whole story with the Grand Alliance, and how realistic was the way she was portrayed since she's someone who cares deeply about her friends and just wants them to be okay with eachother and suffers from paranoia... but. I would have liked to see her go completely apeshit at Nickel AND Balloon because they kept on fighting and kept on dumping their stuff on her (even though Balloon had his reasons of course, she was already stressed enough). This is much more on BB's side but. Them actually standing up for eachother too. Suitcase building character thanks to Knife, maybe. Her putting Nickel in his place and make him realize that he was in fact, messing up. Them reworking their friendship. Suitcase being more confident on herself as well. Let her scream a bit. And hug her best friends. And talk things out with Nickel. As a treat.

Headcanons: She keeps stickers inside of her. She can chirp or hum like a bird. She likes to be held. She paints as a way to cope and process her own feelings. Ironically enough, I think that her favorite fish would be a golden fish. Thought of writing Nickel a letter but didn't since he should be the one apologizing/bringing it up. Has tried reconnecting with Knife. Likes to write poetry, isn't necessarily great at it. In sexuality/gender headcanons... Pansexual moments. Polyamorous too. Me thinks. I do like the hc of her being trans too, both transfem Suitcase and transmasc Suitcase!

[rodolfoparras]

You have so much patience with everyone and you just don’t understand how much I deeply admire that about you, bc sometimes I’m just like “yeah Im not gonna go back and forth with this person…block”😭🫶🏽 one day imma get there cos I know I need more patience with people😂

Sugar bee you don’t know how much I appreciate that! I try to be mindful when I respond especially in this situation since the person is coming from a good place and because of that I do try to level with them

But don’t me wrong I pick and choose my fights! There are a lot of asks I’ve gotten throughout the year that I just go on and delete because they’re silly

When I first started this blog I made a post asking why cis ppl don’t like the word cis. Now back then I had such a small following and hadn’t even recived an ask before and my first ask turned out to be something along the lines of why aren’t trans people considered mentally ill clearly that person isn’t trying to level with me they’re just trying to insult me

But I was happy to have addressed the piece. I didn’t think to address it first because when I see someone write about heavier topics or “dark themes” I just assume there’s a reason behind it and move on with my day. But by addressing it I hope I did give some insight to the anon and to people in general. Being a victim of something does significant impact to your development. You don’t view your trauma the way others do. That’s why so many people make jokes about the things they lived through because to them that was their every day life they haven’t known anything different while someone who hasn’t experienced such things can be absolutely appalled at the jokes. If you care for victims and fight for a good cause you also have to accept the ugly parts that are more than the words “poor me”

[bonesandthebees]

im alive (questionable) and im finally back (real) and gods does it feel great to finally read the new rose chapter

I did NOT realise just how MUCH I missed it but DAMN

the crimeboys bonding is going great and theyre doing good in their surviving, im so proud of them

poor phil has to deal with the one thing he cannot control and so he ofc focuses on what he can control, control freak

im enjoying reading about him A LOT, hes so intriguing to me, like yeah so far hes a good character id say, but we get a peak at what he could be capable of and are slowly learning where his priorities and loyalties and limits lie and oh gosh is it fun to watch

and ofc THE BIG MOMENT OF THE CHAPTER: friendly nicknames privileges

and like its a really important and sweet moment in itself and ive been excited for it ever since learning there will be different official names like nikanna and willum and oh did it NOT DISAPPOINT like yesssssss letsgo they are FRIENDS and they let the other call them by their NICKNAMES and it shows how much CLOSER to got and the TRUST and just AHSHSHJSDHBSBSHS YESSSSSSS

and it gets even BETTER bc thats not all, this is a recurring theme with you, whether its a fae name that carries power, a mermaid name that signals family like in last years mermay, knowing a name that reveals the secret identity in superhero aus coming with trust but also responsibility, official and personal names of royals like rose and stars showing friendship or in the other way loss of it, and in glass the reclaiming of self identity thru the reclaiming of name and letting go of a title (which btw the coolest and most genius work with narration ive ever read) you just keep on giving names value in your stories and especially the act of sharing them, the one close to you, with others as a sign of love, even just a little bit and it gets me EVERY SINGLE TIME and the fact its a recurring theme gives it even more meaning, makes it get to me even more

and like its something that happens even in real life in some ways but we often overlook just how much love is hidden in it and I love that it gets to shine like this in your stories

I know we talked about your love for giving names more meaning like this before but I just needed to scream about it again bc IT STILL GETS TO ME

it feels so good to have you back in my inbox (and my ao3 comments) with walls of text like this jiksvokrat

they're doing shockingly well!! shoutout to tommy's survival knowledge wilbur would've been dead by morning without him

I'm so glad you're enjoying the phil pov. I love showing his control issues and how his mind works. he's such a calculating character and I have so much fun writing him

I'm so glad you like my recurring thing with names. I really don't know where it came from, I never had this whole thing with names before I started writing mcyt fic. I think I just really liked it both when I wrote that first fae au fic so many years ago and then when I was writing clinic and there was obviously the whole secret identity thing going on that I just realized I liked the theme and decided to use it where I could.

I just think the act of sharing your name, your identity with someone else can be so vulnerable and full of trust!! I guess this translates to every day stuff as well. like when one of my childhood friends came out as trans to me I felt so happy when she trusted me with her new name and identity (I was one of the first people she came out to). or as a less intense example, part of why I like having an online nickname is that it feels strangely nice to have a name that you guys here can use that's me but also a bit separate from me, but then I have my real name which is reserved for the people I'm closest to (though of course most of my internet friends who know my real name still use bee for me which I don't mind at all). I guess it's kind of like having a public persona vs a private persona. idk, I guess I just really feel the importance of names so I like including it as a theme in my writing.

I'm just very glad you guys aren't getting sick of the whole name giving thing yet lol

[kitkatopinions]

The writing of V9 kind of feels like... When you go to someone and tell them "hey the thing you did was a mistake just to let you know" and they respond by being like "well I'm sorry, I'm sorry if I supposedly ruined everything! What do you want me to do, throw myself onto the ground sobbing? Just give up? Kill myself? Is that what you want from me? You know, people make mistakes, but I'm a good person, alright? I'm not perfect, but stop acting like I'm a monster!" And then like, two hours later you see that they made a post on Facebook that's like 'there's too much judgement in the world today and it's so sad. I just want everyone to know that no matter what other people say, you are perfectly imperfect and you've got this, super star. And the people that try to make you feel small and take away from your joy never really deserved you in the first place. This is a lesson I'm learning every day as I navigate trying to deal with people who seem to like to take their problems out on me. But I know I can stand by my choices and need to keep being me."

To clarify, it doesn't feel like Ruby specifically is like that - Despite the major flaws in her writing, she's the least bad of her friend group right now and I'm very sympathetic to her. But it feels more like the writers saw people going "these characters aren't perfect and are making mistakes and need to grow and learn" and they started being like

They were really ambiguous with what mistakes the characters made as if they themselves didn't think they actually had made mistakes, they went way more over the top than they had to so it feels like they were punishing Ruby the character to also punish the critics. And then it feels like they had their whole narrative about how Jaune and Ruby and Weiss all realize that their ambiguous and no big deal 'mistakes' aren't something they should grow from and learn from and decide to change for the better over, they're just things that happen and it doesn't mean you need to grow and change, it just means you aren't all powerful. The message really felt like 'so what if bad things sometimes happen around the main rwby characters? Everyone should stop expecting them to grow because they don't need to because we keep saying they're good people, and good people are fine, so everyone needs to stop being overly dramatic about the supposed mistakes."

It really does feel like the rwby writers put out this season in which change for the better and growth and learning are completely dismissed (beyond 'making your body better' by killing yourself, which is a whole different can of worms,) and the actual 'message' behind the season felt like it was "stop complaining, the rwby mains are good people, they don't need to grow and learn and change for the better, so shut up." And tbh, this message coming right after the massive controversies of Rooster Teeth is very not promising and it's hard for me to read it in any sort of good light. Like...

'People Make Mistakes Sometimes But They Don't Need to Grow Or Change Their Ways Because They're Good People Underneath, So Anyone Who Tries To Bother Them About Their Mistakes Is In The Wrong' feels very not super great after the whole company of Rooster Teeth seemed to put up a 'Nevermind about all that' banner and still hasn't paid their staff and Miles Luna still hasn't apologized for his horrible past behavior as far as I know and they're all begging fans to keep watching Rwby and selling bees merch through the company without paying their trans VA properly.

I'd find it much more meaningful - both personally and coming from the writers and for the characters - if V9 involved acknowledging how the mains messed up and what their flaws were, had the girls act regretfully over mistakes, had change and becoming better be the focus instead of staying the same and not doing anything differently... Etc. It looks really bad that the only lesson the writers seemed to want their characters to learn was 'sometimes letting people hurt themselves is good because they might get a better body.'

[marzs-space]

Transformers

Hobie x transmasc! Reader

Pairing: hobie x transmasc! Reader

Warnings: mentions of transphobia, mentions of needles, mentions of surgery,sexual comments, ooc, implied smut, not proof read, angst, fluff let me know if I missed anything!

A/N: because I am transmasc myself I decided to write about what I think hobie would be like if you were transmasc.

Usually you were ok with a few slight transphobic comments. But today was just too much, everything seemed to go wrong. First you woke up late for work then you spilled your coffee on yourself and had to change last minute. Next your car broke down and you had to walk to work because the busses weren't running yet. Then you let a co-worker see your scars because you had to borrow one of their shirts. You didn't mind thinking you could trust them but of course with life being against you today they told everybody.

Despite knowing that your boss is openly homophobic. He dug through your files when he finally found your dead name and emailed everyone to call you that plus he gave you a name tag with your dead name. You could quit but how would you pay your bills? You dealt with it in silence but the transphobic comments were really starting to get to you. A few of your co-workers even started saying things like "if I met you sooner I could have changed you~" and others got kinda handsy.

You hated everything and everyone. You started to pick at every single little thing you did. You didn't sound like a boy, you didn't look like a boy, you didn't dress like a boy, you didn't act like a boy, you didn't date girls like most boys would. You hated it. You walked home on shaky legs threatening to buckle underneath you. You blinked away tears for what felt like the 100th time. You had to stay strong. He doesn't know your trans. You can't be sad, he can't know. You finally made it to your apartment.

You grimaced as you looked at yourself in the bathroom mirror before getting in the shower.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

You tried to just put your old binder back on to help at least a little bit. It didn't. You glanced at your phone conflicted. Should you call him? You don't wanna bother him... He's spider-man he probably has better things to do than comfort you... You decide against it and begin thinking about how you are compared to hobie... What if he's playing you... What if- the tapping on your window interrupted your train of thought. You immediately knew it was hobie. You begin to internally panic about what he might be here for.

You got up and opened the window letting hobie in. Closing the window behind him "hey luv" you smile at him "hey bee" you tried your best not to sound sad, tired, like you were going to break any minute. (Key word: tried). Hobie seemed a little caught off guard by your tone "wha's wrong luv?". That's all it took for you to break. Tears streaming down your face and your legs shaking. Hobie caught you before you could fall to you're knees carrying you to your bed. "I-im sorry..." You manage to choke out between sobs.

"shhh, 's fine"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

"can you tell me wha' happened?" You sniffle "work sucked ass" "tha' can' be all luv" "... My co-worker found out im trans and my boss is transphobic and made everyone call me by my dead name.." he stayed quiet for a second "quit, quit your job" "but-" "no, quit then you can cuddle and we can watch movies"

You can probably tell I rushed the ending.

[bestbeeking]

tell us your SpongeBob headcannons (I’m doing this so that you’ll be busy and leave me alone)

YOU CAME UP WITH THEM WITH ME BUT OK LMFAO[im just gonna copy and paste the list from the website]

squidward is nonbinary but was bullied for it so they just preetend they're fine being a man and is very depresso

SPONGEBOB IS AROACE AND VERY DEPRESSO (but he doesn't want other people to be sad by him being sad so he act not sad)

spongebob and squidward are married for tax benefits[mr krabs doesnt pay them enough]

Patrick is a cult leader and is secretly a billionare

Patrick uses patrick/star pronouns

MR KRABS AND PLANKTON AND KAREN ARE MARRIED FOR TAX BENEFITS[mr krabs wants to pay less]

Plankton is bullied for being short (also his human form dresses like a steampunk evil villan) (think the guy from lorax plus more steampunk and minus height) (see: (link tothe musical thing)

Sandy is bi and left texas becasue her parents kicked her out

gary is gary[<3333 -bee]

Squidward likes dresses because theyre the only clothes they can wear without having to alter them to fit their four legs ok so squidward was born male but came out as trans[nonbinary] in second grade, but then he was bullied horribly so he pretended to be cis and thats part of why he’s so miserable. so in the story we were going to write and never did squidward attempts suicide but fails and is in a coma for a while and during it his hair grows out and when he wakes up he’s like ‘oh i kinda like how my hair looks now’ so he decides to go to work with it but SpongeBob/krabs like teases him for it so he cuts it again and then SpongeBob grows out his hair for squidward sorta idk this isn’t well planned and then SpongeBob is like ‘wow I’m nonbinary�� and squidward is like ‘oh me too’ and they get a happy ending. alternatively, squidward could get teased by SpongeBob and attempt suicide again and succeed and then everyone is sad idk

…….what am i doing with my life

[allthecastlesonclouds]

10, 17 & 32 for writer questions?

oooo thanks for the ask!! link to ask game

10. Has a piece of writing ever “haunted” you? Has your own writing haunted you? What does that mean to you?

When I was. like. 8. i wrote this original story about five girls and a boy. it was, in short, very bad: none of the character traits were consistent, the plot moved along terribly, and scenes were messy. every chapter was in a different font and Oh Dear God was it unreadable.

and i fucking loved it. i was so proud of it. i still kind of am? 35 pages for an eight year old isn’t bad. but there are printed copies i still find around my house, and my mom still talks about it to this day, and every time i read it i wince.

i’m not sure if this is the definition of haunted, but it follows me around to this day. you maybe thought this was gonna be a fanfic, but this story. Oh God.

17. Talk to me about the minutiae of your current WIP. Tell me about the lore, the history, the detail, the things that won’t make it in the text.

Gotta talk about fight or flight baybee!! okay so when i started this it was basically because i had many thoughts on the fact it was kristen’s siblings who convinced her to go during family in flames and not. her parents. and also the fact her parents names combined were McDonalds. that cracked me up. also actually i was talking to a lovely irl about this and they said “wait a character is Christian Applebees??” and i went ally beardsley how dare you. the google doc is titled ‘the mfing MacDonna Applebees’

i brainstormed a rudimentary layout for Mordred for this fic, as in i thought about the first floor and went ‘everything else doesn’t matter’. the chapel is canonically disconnected from the house but kristen also canonically has a secret passageway to tracker’s room, so i decided all the secret passageways link up and let people just. into the walls. kristen and riz are the only ones who have any semblance of confidence in there bc they sneak around so much. kristen uses the passageways mostly for tracker’s and bee’s rooms, but she knows how to get to the kitchen and about midway up the tower staircase.

bee is trans. i debated for a while whether her name was spelled Bee or Bea, but i decided on Bee bc i know a Bea and the vibes are. Different. kristen’s nickname for bricker is bricks, and bee calls him rick or ricks, and when they’re a bit older on their Fantasy Discord she Nicknames him Dick and kris doesn’t let Bricker change it back. bricker is bi; he kissed one of the luckstones under the bleachers and that’s what McDonalds was angry about. he’s also religious (bee goes i know the gods are real but i think i’m taking a step back please); he probably becomes a cleric of helio and does something similar to tracker in the sense he worships his own version of helio, not the widely accepted version.

they’re all two years apart: if kristen’s going into jr year, bee’s going into freshman, bricker’s going into seventh, and cork’s going into fifth. this means cork was seven or eight when kristen left, and you know, third graders are Little and have the object permanence of baboons, so. he’s fine. he’s not really in this fic sorry. when i listen to songs, i like to imagine animatics, and so fics are based around them often, and this one is no acception; the first line of the song is ‘i think it might rain today’ and a separate 3+1 line i was debating was ‘3 times kristen found her siblings in a storm and the one time she had them’.

also kristen needs therapy. she Will Not Get It.

32. What is a line from a poem/novel/fanfic etc that you return to from time and time again? How did you find it? What does it mean to you?

really any line from ‘For Everyone’ by Jason Reynolds. it’s such a good book. my boss at a camp i worked at gave it to me a couple years ago, and i cried reading it. if i had to pick a section: (id in alt text) (it hits different when formatted like it’s read aloud)

[ollibeuu]

enorace masterlist (ao3 fics only, i’m still working on ff.net and wattpad) 

an enorace masterlist starting with (in my opinion) the best fics! the only ones completely filtered out were chatfics, non-con, or omegaverse. KEEP IN MIND: this is MY OPINION. i’ve read very nearly the entire tag so i thought i’d share some of my favourites. if you’ve authored one of these and want me to delete it from this list, you are welcome to dm me and i’ll take care of it right away :)

edit: part two, three, and four of the list!

Looped - icannotevenhhh: MVP of the enorace tag like number one there is nothing better; first person; oneshot (4446) words; emma bloom wingwoman

Sous le ciel de France - sterrenkijker: one of the four genuine long fics in the enorace tag (27674 words); a tiny bit OOC at times but i think it’s because they’re aged up; no powers au

After the Tears - Dark_Days: one of my FAV fics <3; trans enoch; most likely still active n publishing

Eighty Years - dragonsdendoodles: oneshot (3305 words); my favourite fic by dragonsdendoodles; let me say that the writing in this fic hits exactly where it needs to, like this shit is SO GOOD

till death parts us—and it did - accio_schokolade: oneshot (1628); this one makes people cry; battle of devil’s acre fic

This Isn’t A Long Titled Fall Out Boy Song, It’s High School by Ransom Riggs - yassifiedjimkirk: one of the OG fics; one of my favs; most likely discontinued (so it’s unfinished); high school au; wingwoman emma bloom

(to the tune of Mr. Sandman:) Mr. Bee Man, Here is Your Drink - putyourpantson: oneshot (1558); main fugh, side enorace; god this one feels so so so underrated; coffee shop au

Opre, roma! - nr1enochkinnie_miha222: oneshot (410); POC enoch (he's rromani); mostly just mentions to enorace; another one of my fav fics <3

Strangers - Birdiesflying: active fic; drunk horace; aged up; no powers; wingwoman emma bloom

There Would Be Other Boys - fiona_apiston: oneshot (285); [SPOILER: QUOTE] nah but the line "He would get over Jacob, and there would be other boys. Boys who actually liked boys," always hits me like a firetruck

tumblr's being weird so imma reblog this with the rest of the list

[bees-tornado]

about me/blog info

introduction, before you follow, fandom stuff, etc. below the cut!

(star dividers courtesy of saradika)

hi everyone, i'm bees! here's some info about me/my blog:

i usually go by bees (he/him). please feel free to call me by name or whatever silly little nicknames you can think of.

if you know me irl no you don't. this is my happy little cringe fandom habitat <3

i love video games (mostly Nintendo and especially Pokemon/Fire Emblem) and anime (mostly Shounen and Shoujo), and most of the things i reblog are fanart and posts i think are funny

Fire Emblem: Three Houses is my favorite game of all time, and i post about it incessantly (more about this later)

Bernadetta von Varley is my favorite character of all time and i love her dearly and also she is my wife 💜

you can learn more about my favorite things here!

it is very difficult for me to come out of my shell and be myself (even in a space like this), but i returned to tumblr because i want to try to have fun and be cringe and be free, and i'm trying my best every day <3

PLEEEAAASE feel free to send asks/tag me/etc., especially if we're mutuals, and especially about my favorite things! i am far too anxious to initiate anything but i like interacting with people :)

on that note please be patient with me sometimes it takes me a long time to respond to things but I INTEND TO I PROMISE

i don't post art much but when i do you can find it under #my art

taken <3

before you follow (it's not too long i promise)

please don't follow me if you're a minor. i'm hesitant to mark this blog explicitly as 18+ because i don't really post nfsw stuff here besides joke text posts, but i don't want minors here regardless, sorry!

this is a 🏳️‍⚧️ trans friendly blog 🏳️‍⚧️

i don't do DNI's, but i do block/softblock/unfollow/blacklist/filter freely

i tend to avoid fandom discourse, including proship/anti/etc. discourse. my policy is that if i'm uncomfortable with a particular type of fandom content, i will fall back on my previous bullet point as necessary. the same goes for when i see people engaging in bullying and harassment over fandom stuff

this is not a spoiler-free blog, especially for FE3H and Naruto. i will occasionally tag spoilers (usually for jjba and xenoblade), but not consistently

FE3H-specific stuff

please please PLEASE talk to me about Fire Emblem: Three Houses for the Nintendo Switch you're not bothering me i promise

Bernie and Sylvain are my favorite guys i think they're neat

i'm too old and tired for fe3h lord discourse. i have my own favorites and opinions, but i tend to avoid following blogs that post aggressive or uncharitable takes about the main lords

i came from twitter where Bernadetta would only really trend for negative reasons, so please understand that i'm sensitive about the way people talk about her and her fans. no hard feelings if you don't like her, and i actually agree with a lot of criticism about her writing, but i try to keep anything too mean out of sight

That's it for now! Thanks for reading/skimming/whatever you just did, and I hope you'll stick around!

[akacosmic]

Watching episode 9 of "Between Us" like...

Me: Oh? Is he like... a real prince or something? A vampire? lol

Me: Oh! Is he maybe trans or asexual??

Me: ............

Ok? And? Like, Prince, my dude. Bee acts like a fumbling giddy school girl around you. He previously told you he wants to stand by your side. And he just initiated a kiss with you. Like... why do YOU think he did all that? Cuz he wants to be your hetero bro bestie??? In what world would you being gay be an issue in this situation? You think Bee's gonna be like "You're gay and therefore could reciprocate my feelings?? EW GROSS! I never want to see you again!"? Like, you being into guys can only be a win for Bee in this moment.

Is this some cultural thing that went over my head? Is it supposed to be a sign of Prince having self-esteem issues and unable to see all the obvious signs Bee is throwing in his face? Or is it just weird writing? 🤔

[wisewastelandandnotsowisesimp]

character bingo-james potter

i am very well aware that this is not really in the realm of my past posts and a couple of things?

marauders? yep. a somewhat funny story about how i got there involving macarons, minecraft bees, physics, and one tiktok person who does an amazing cosplay of this one character.

what about nagakura? i have been detoxed from his bullshit and would like to keep it that way for some time. have found that my urge to rip my hair off has decreased. not for long though, eheh. started playing hijikata's route during this hiatus thing and got did i want to punch him in the face. need to finish it, hopefully soon.

so without further ado:

"got done dirty by the creators"- first off, canonically dead. the author did have an opportunity to capitalise on the marauders as her original fanbase got older and write a spinoff based on that. instead we got cursed child. a part of me was interested in jily's tale and how they got together apart from the bare bones in the canon.

"i am constantly going insane rotating them in my brain like a fork in a microwave"- i want to know why he was so popular, apart from plot convenience. he just appeared like someone who was too perfect, and snape's complaits would have appeared to be jealousy. so i would like him to be fleshed out more, and have him appear more human apart from "everyone loves him even after he died" and "he bullied snape". that being said, i do like some of the headcanons that have been presented like him giving golden retriever and a really really sappy romantic (stuff more based in canon, admittedly).

"I WANT TO STUDY THEM LIKE A COCKROACH"- see above

"what's wrong with them (affectionate)"- rose more from fanfic than canon. but i think the author wanted to instill that feeling for her readers.

"what's wrong with them (derogatory)"- must have been pre bad if it took a long time for lily to reciprocate her feelings. plus arrogance is kinda uhhh, not the best? idk, this one was pure vibes

"i like them but i don't really think about them much"- all in all, at the end of the day, i am sorta moving away from marauders and so that intrigue i have for james, which wasn't really present much to begin with, has slowly disappeared. still there! not as much.

this will probably be my one post that symbolises my time of being in the marauders fandom. also, desi james? it's kind of a vibe.

alas, we did not get a bingo this time either. will it ever happen? will i finish that 2500 research proposal by its due date? find out next time!

note, i do not support the author at all. it cannot be denied that she had a huge impact on our childhoods and so we look to her as a role model. but it is a pity that she is using her voice to propagate such hateful things to people who identify as trans as though this world isn't shitty enough.

[itstheoneshot]

omg your bias is jonghyun? yayyyyyyyyyy! how many fanfics of him did you make in your life and what was the first ever fanfic of him you’d ever made?

i lost count in mine, but i think it may had passed around 75-200 if you count the drafts and deleted posts. i started writing when i was 10/11. i was always a book kid, when i was 5, i told a bedtime story to my cousin where me and jonghyun got married (and yes, i got into shinee when i was 4 at exactly 9 years before… you know what) and i used to imagine myself as a man wearing a dress and jonghyun as a man wearing a suit, but then she would always correct me and say that i should be a girl wearing a dress. i used to get so mad at her for doing that. eventually, she realised and decided that i could be a boy marrying jonghyun in a dress. then we had babies (which i knew the birds and the bees from a young age) and turned into grandpas before dying at 100 years old.

funny thing is that jonghyun helped me realise that i was transgender and i was gay from as young as 4/5 so who wouldn’t had known that he would be very LGBTQ+ friendly after many people would say that he likes girls or hates transgender people. my cousin thought my stories of me and jonghyun getting married was so cute that i should turn it into a story where i could write so at the age of 8 (shortly after i came out as transgender), i made my first ever fanfiction in 2012. “kim jonghyun is my husband.” i’m thinking about recreating it for the anniversary this year. i remember making it somewhat in november/december. perhaps i should post it on my fanniversary, but i feel like it’s now inappropriate to do. i could explain it in the description, but i’m still very not sure.

also, i hope you’re doing well and you’re taking good care of yourself! you’re a great writer and i wish i could use my potential for the best, but it has been so hard since i finally passed my english gcse exams and don’t need to take it anymore. i really love making stories, especially about jonghyun. it has been one of the best ways to deal with difficult times since it makes me feel like i’m a little horny tweenager again. hopefully you’ll make a lot of jonghyun shit so i could get motivated and if there’s any fanfics/one shots you can suggest to me, do let me know and i’ll read in the speed of light.

love youuuuuuuuu! ❤️🥰😘😍🌈🌺

Awwww this is so sweet!

SHINee debuted just after I turned 14 and that’s when I got into them, I have nooo idea how many fics I’ve written over the years either hahaha!

Jjong was such a huge inspiration for me in discovering myself as trans too, his support for our community has always meant so much to me.

I’ll have a think of any others I can recommend! But I’ve got quite a few oneshots of him that you can find in my masterlist! And he’s definitely getting one of the days of Kinktober that I’m about to start too!

[ros3kill3r]

Why did I make this? Well because why not! And also, I thought this would be a good idea to post about because this might help people and give people some ideas for their own fanfics. Not only that but I wanted to see if this would be something everyone would read with enjoyment? This will be quite long so buckle in if you’d like!

TW: Drugs, Language, Sexual Themes, Homosexuality (should that really be a warning?), mental illnesses, self harm (briefly mentioned), abuse, and religious trauma.

Please do not steal all of these ideas! Do not write an exact fanfic like this! If you do, change it up a bit and credit me! Thank you!

~~~~~~~~~~~~

chatifc/IRL, supernatural, band AU where the marauders are all celebrities.

barty, evan, dorcas, and regulus are in one band with pandora as their manager, the name of their band is The Pantheons.

Pandora does not want to be on stage when her brother is wilding with his boyfriend. “Very angsty and angry, also very sexual and violent, we dissect bodies and eat them for the metaphor. Also, here's a song about giving head to jesus!” energy.

Or in other words:

kind of evil and dark and satanic, literal songs about giving head to Christ or something. Very flirtatious and lewd band, rosekiller is disgusting on stage and regulus sings with the most seductive tone ever, especially with his eyes. Not to mention Dorcas FUCKING Meadows on the drums looking hot as fuck with sweat running down her temple and down her chest.

james, sirius, remus, and peter are in another band with frank as their manager, the name of their band is The Marauders.

“Anarchism, we are better than you, we fuck and smoke and party, fuck the police” energy.

lily, mary, marlene, and alice have a separate band but they aren’t as famous, and they don’t want to be, because they only play in bars, they named their band The Valkyries.

“Chicks who rock, the system stinks, let the world burn, save the bees.” energy.

Again, I know some of this stuff you’re going to read might seem like spoilers, but I have NO clue how I’m going to organize these things and how I’m going to bring them in the story yet, so I think it’s alright. :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~

James had always experienced the love of both of his parents since he was an only child. He knew that Monty and Effie had tried dozens of times for a child, so when they had James, he will admit they spoiled him. He was scared to disappoint them. He was scared of telling him that he’s pansexual because of the slight chance that he might end up with a man, and not be able to continue the bloodline (they could adopt, but James fears it wouldn’t be the same. Here, he doesn’t know that Regulus is trans so when he finds out the fear goes away. And then when rosestarkillerchaser happens, this fear starts back up again. Monty and Effie already know about Regulus, so now BARTY AND EVAN?!?!)

But, when Sirius and Regulus got into the family, Monty began to favor Regulus and Effie began to favor Sirius. James is left out in the middle. Every time he comes down the stairs with something exciting to say, Monty is either conversing about potions with Regulus, or reading interesting books with him, and Effie is either playing chess with Sirius and talking to each other how a mother and child would, or they’re cooking together with flour stuck on each others faces in the shapes of handprints. As much as it hurts James, he knows they deserve it and they need it. So he doesn’t say a word about it. Until one day, Barty and Evan find out about this and tell him to talk to Regulus about it because it’s not healthy. (At this point in time, Evan, Barty, James, and Regulus had just gotten together/just started fucking (have to figure that out) and so it was kind of awkward between them so when James asked them to come help him they literally melted.)

And it’s funny because when James talks to his parents and Sirius + Regulus about it, Evan and Barty were there. Regulus and Sirius are confused why (Sirius is mostly jealous and weirded out because Barty used to be James’ childhood best friend, and he doesn’t like Evan). James had told Barty and Evan that he doesn’t want to do it alone, so he invited them over and everyone in the household (especially the parents) was so confused why Barty and this boy named Evan they’ve heard about countless times are now in their house. Barty was also nervous about this because he hadn’t seen Effie and Monty in years, but he did it for James.

James sits on the big couch with Barty and Evan on either side of him, and half way through the conversation when he has to admit about how he feels, Evan and Barty share a glance and slither their hand into James’ shaky hands and intertwine their fingers together. James startles a bit, but feels heat rise up to his cheeks. He laughs nervously and continues what he was saying with more confidence. Regulus sees this and barely hides his amused grin, Sirius is turning red from shock and also the hard ability to remain quiet and give this needed moment to James, and Effie + Monty are sitting there with their jaw dropped and internally so fucking excited and happy for James but they’ll show it later and James is gonna be so fucking overwhelmed. Anyway!

When he talks about it, his parents and Regulus + Sirius feel horrible about it and the next few months everything is about him (when they’re at home away from tour). They play chess with him, they cook with him, they make potions and read with him, etc. Barty visits frequently and Evan claims it’s too awkward and weird for him to start coming. Sirius and Barty begin to get along but they play games of cat and cat.

It’s all fun and games until Effie and Monty can’t wait anymore and ask him about these two other men, and James flusters, asks them to sit down so he explains, and now has to grab onto Regulus’ hand so he has the confidence to speak about it.

If they’re all dating at this point: James would feel a bit scared telling them about this, but Regulus would whisper in his ear that there’s nothing to be afraid of. James can’t even look at Sirius when he says it because he would be either absolutely devastated or laugh in surprise (and devastation). He tells them how this is a new thing they’re going through, and how he feels like he really does like them and how it may seem weird but it’s also weird for him and other stuff that I won’t spoil. He admits that when he was younger, he was actually in a weird situationship with Barty and his parents would smile and say they knew. James would be flabbergasted, but I mean c'mon, of course they knew.

If it’s just a fucking thing (they’re in denial about it): This is something James would be even more afraid to talk about. When he would spit the word out—with the help of Regulus—he would quickly specify in worry that this was not cheating. They considered each other attractive and so they began to flirt a bit more than normal friends or acquaintances would, so it led to James having slept with Evan and Barty having slept with Reg. (When Regulus and James first started dating, they were talking about their kinks, and Regulus said that he’d love to watch James and Barty fuck because they both used to date him—at separate timelines ofc—and James was a bit hesitant but Evan agreed so they just watched them both as they fucked. They also tell this to Effie and Monty. James is shaking when saying this tho.) but the thing that started this little fuck fest was Evan and Regulus ganging up to flirt with Barty and James so they could finally wake tf up and consider this foursome. More on this later.

In short, Effie and Monty both love this new thing and reassure James that this doesn’t make them love him less, if anything it makes them love him more than ever. And the most hilarious thing about this is that Effie began to favor Barty, and Monty began to favor Evan. Regulus, Sirius, and an exasperated James, are in absolute envious fury. You can tell how long this fic is gonna be!

~~~~~~~~~~~~

couples before the bands (mentioned in flashbacks and the first chapter in bartys pov): Jarty, Fralice, and Narlene.

couples during the band (present, bartys pov still, kind of alternates): Jily, Bartylus, Fralice, Dorlene.

couples later on (starts to alternate pov): prongsfoot, moonwater, secret marylily, one night stand mary x sirius, pandalily, a lot of partyvan it seems like its gonna be canon, some remus x barty x evan, Fralice ofc.

endgame: Wolfstar, Rosekiller, Jegulus, Parylily, Fralice, Dorlene, Rosestarkillerchaser mentioned but its not canon idk how to explain but i know what finna play out!

Because they’re purebloods, James, barty, and Marlene all have to go to those pureblood gatherings. This is where Marlene meets narcissa. One day at a party, narcissa introduces Marlene, barty, and James too regulus, evan, and pandora. So that’s how they meet. They meet Dorcas at a red carpet after she ditched the last band she was in and she claimed she was completely done with being in bands but fans freaked out when she joined the pantheons.

includes cheating and a lot of drama and i mean A LOT.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

this does include HEAVY mentions of religion, and mentions of many other religions including atheism, christianity, and of course, satanism. I would like to add that satanism is not at all a bad thing, satanism does not support murder, rape, evil shit like that at all. Well, not all of the types of Satanism anyway.

please do not shame other people for what they believe. i can already feel the angry christians/bigoted people reading this lmao. none of us (im an atheist) shame you for supporting god and his beliefs/laws, so you should not be shaming us. telling us “god bless you” is so offensive. Imagine someone saying “may satan (or other gods/god) bless YOU” offensive, right? just click out of the story/this blog, and don't embarrass yourself bc no one gives a shit.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Because this is a supernatural AU, Remus is a werewolf and he was cursed by a witch when he was younger, which is why he’s a bit hesitant around other witches (even friends, but he trusts them over time. a lot of mentions of this ofc. he always walks out of the room when someone starts doing witchy things.)

during an interview, Rita asks why the band had canceled their performance short on the last concert, and since the band had agreed not to tell anyone about remus’ condition because it’s horrifying..and yk all that, sirius releases the information jokingly (have to figure that out), and remus gets absolutely hurt and literally argues with the whole band who tries to calm him down (other than sirius because he was fighting back), and then he said he wants a break from the band and to go back home and away from tour. after more fighting frank steps in and says it's for the best. Remus was getting a lot of hate for it, but a lot of fans still remained.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

during this time, remus barty and evan get together and everyone + fans find out. they’re in shock because they thought remus and sirius were together. they know remus was taking a break from the band, and the marauders had invited gideon prewett to take remus’ place. the fans didn't mind since he usually subbed for remus when he wasn't able to go on stage or when remus had not joined the band yet and was watching from the sidelines as a cheerleader for his friends.

they stay together for a long time, and they genuinely do like each other, but eventually barty and evan realize that remus still likes sirius, so they sit down and have a chat about it, and they go their own ways. evan and barty are oblivious idiots and they break up too because the only reason they got together was because they both liked remus (and each other but they thought the other didn’t because they only dated for remus). the fans begin to ship them and stuff and their friends push them together and it works. (this is all summarized. they literally flirt hardcore and evan is going insane and so is barty before they even date. one time evan starts flirting back and they literally turn into fuck buddies but still in denial?? crazy.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~

regulus’ and james’ bands have a meetup, fans go crazy. the reason why lily’s band and sirius’ band even know each other is not only because of school, but because alice and frank are dating.

The Pantheons:

Regulus: Singer (he has these elegant movements when he sings and he just looks so hot and unbothered. this man is NOT nervous, nor does he ever sweat. his voice is so angelic toooo UGHHH.)

Barty: Lead guitar (this man is insane. he literally grabs the guitar and does the most lewd movements, faces, and sounds into the mic and regulus always glares at him on stage and the fans eat it up (so does evan and SECRETLY reg + james.))

Evan: Bass guitar (minds his own business. brother is literally strumming for himself and all of a sudden barty is grinding up on him and shit and he’s just playing along bc why not?? and he plays along more than usual and more flirtatiously as time goes on and barty starts getting weak in the knees and evan starts being the one to grind on him and shit and and and—he just looks very hot and VERY attractive, that’s it.)

Dorcas: Drummer (the lesbians are going ham. does show off tricks with her drumsticks and winks at the crowd sometimes. she usually sweats a lot bc she moves her arms around a lot and she looks sooooo goooood.)

Pandora: Manager (my girl is backstage jamming along and ppl are side-eyeing her bc she looks high. she’s also paying close attention and uses her energy to make sure nothing bad or embarrassing happens to them.)

The Marauders:

Sirius: Singer (he hops around like a monkey, approaching everyone and just having a fun time. is always a sweaty and panting mess after but he slays.)

Remus: Bass guitar (like evan, minds his own business, and he usually just rolls his eyes with a smile when sirius and james start going loco together.)

James: Lead guitar (vibes with sirius’ energy. they’re both the maniacs on stage who radiate off so much energy to the crowd. for some reason though, near the end of every concert, james always does a specific hand signal that no one knows other than…regulus. You would think barty + evan would find out soon when they all start dating, but they already know what those hand signals mean bc reg always spoke to them abt it. James just starts doing that when jegulus begins meeting up first.)

Peter: Drummer (jamming out. kind of left out and has a weird moment where he’s not having a good time on stage and keeps messing up and the fans kind of don’t like him but behind the scenes he’s such an amazing guy which I’m going to represent. the only reason he changes for the better is bc everyone fucks him and makes him more confident. HURRAY!)

Frank: Manager (stands backstage and watches everything closely, especially keeps an eye on peter, and perhaps that’s why he always messes up.)

The Valkyries:

Lily: Singer (this queen isn’t even moving, she’s holding onto the mic with her eyes closed and she’s singing her heart out.)

Mary: Drummer (she doesn’t rlly stress abt things bc most of the songs they sing don’t include drums that much. She just minds her own business and admires Lily.)

Marlene: Lead guitar (she’s always having the time of her life, literally the life of the ‘party’ and the fans love her bc she’s the reason they don’t fall asleep.)

Alice: Bass guitar (matches with everyone’s energy. Fans love her bc she’s so peaceful and such a positive person. She’s also kind of left out so she and peter bond abt that.)

The manager is the person who is the owner of the bar/casino they sing at, it depends.

there is a lot of drama between regulus and sirius, including barty and evan + dorcas and pandora because they’re literally all related. (dorcas is a “slytherin pureblood” here).

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ships:

Jily - to keep up appearances they had to date, also because it gives the band more fame. james was very happy about this because he liked lily and he was closeted and in denial even after liking barty and having sex with him bc he was worried his parents would be disgusted and disappointed since they tried so hard to have a child, but lily wasn’t because she was lesbian and didn’t want anyone to find out yet but she always denied james’ advances in private.

Dorlene - they were both very openly dating, it was nothing to hide. they are established.

Wolfstar - slow burn. they do get together but it’s after they reconnected when remus accepted his apology. everyone thought they were dating before everything bc theyd always flirt, but they weren't together.

Prongsfoot - james wanted to get over lily since she was clearly lesbian and also the ‘relationship’ ended, and he realized he was into regulus (and still had some feelings for barty and weird tingling in his stomach around Evan bc yeah, barty is flirtatious and it’s expected, but EVAN!? He’s jerked off to him before bc the intimacy was too much.) so he began to date sirius to get over reg, and also because he thought that maybe he liked sirius and thought it was reg but he was just confused. plus it helped with the fame and drama since ppl thought wolfstar was a thing and Jily was a thing so this caused even more drama. they began to actually develop some form of feelings and remus was jealous + regulus was oddly enough, jealous. they broke up though bc it felt awkward and forced and also bc they were in love with other people. they were still best friends, nothing changed between them.

Moonwater - regulus and remus begin to fake date to get back at james and sirius and they don't get feelings for each other but they were NOT afraid to make out in front of everyone. Regulus has transitioned here.

Rosekiller: they liked each other before everything happened with remus, yet they were both so oblivious and shy (evan was the shy one and barty was in denial even though he knew he was pansexual because he was scared the same thing would happen like with james and regulus, lmao) that they didn’t say a word. after remus, they still didn’t date because they thought the only reason they were even together was because of remus. they’re friends and fans pushed them in the right direction though.

Barty literally just exists, and Evan can’t help himself. Barty might be dancing, sitting, sleeping, talking, or anything else and Evan will just pull him by the collar, sleeve, belt, waist, hip, hair, jaw, etc. he cannot keep his hands off of Barty and everyone is so tired of their shit, but Barty fucking loves it. James and Regulus are annoyed by it too like everyone else but when Evan starts doing it to them they collapse on their knees (Barty laughs at them even though he used to do the same exact thing at first)

Jegulus - also slowburn, it happens though. they begin to hang out more because the fans want it and it brings both bands a lot of attention and that’s when it starts to happen.

Jarty - This happens when Barty and James were still childhood friends and they had a little situationship going on and they had sex and stuff ofc they did but it didn't work out because they met their own separate group of people and barty began to like regulus and so did james and it just ruined them and they didn’t know that being in a polyamorous relationship was even a thing. Since Rosestarkillerchaser is basically endgame, they never lose feelings for each other but they’re all a little confused. no worries they’ll solve it out.

Jarty reconciles when they are left alone together in a room. The three bands are there and they all slowly by slowly leave the room bc regulus told them him and evan have a plan. At the end, it’s just evan, james, regulus, and barty in the room. Reg makes up an excuse to leave and he takes evan with him. They lean against the door to hear what happens. James and barty have this awkward silence before they start talking about their relationships with reg and evan and then they make mean jokes to each other. They start to talk about their childhood and stuff, and james brings up how he was feeling after what happened bc he couldn't keep it in any longer and barty explains his side of the story. James didn’t know what this meant and if it could go anywhere, and barty said, “We should talk to reg and evan about this. That is, if you want to be more than..whatever the fuck we are?” and james smiles at him all sad and sappy and replies, “Bee, I’ve always wanted to be more.” and barty is just red and a stuttering mess and james laughs at him and the tension resolves and there’s a weight off their shoulders. Reg and evan had been listening the whole time and they developed a plan to get the 4 of them together. Evan must flirt with james, and reg must flirt with barty.

Marylily - happens behind closed doors. it’s a secret but people slowly start to find out, and at this point, james doesn’t like lily so he’s happy for them. James and Lily have a conversation about how James felt and Lily comforts him.

Pandalily - when remus and sirius weren’t talking, sirius had hooked up with mary (before the whole prongsfoot thing happened) at a bar they were singing at, and when lily found out about this, her heart broke. during the band meet ups, james offered her and her band to join in because he wanted her to meet the pantheons and stuff and she said yes. she saw pandora there and yk what happened!

Pandora x Lily x Mary - pandora and lily are both openly dating, but pandora knows that lily is still hurt/likes mary so they both begin to talk abt it, they agree to ask her to date the both of them, only when she apologizes, which she does daily. pandora also has a little talk with mary secretly soooo-they are endgame.

Remus x Barty x Evan - we talked about this. i like this ship a lot though 😭.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

the thing is, regulus finds out that james and barty used to date (and they still have some tension between them that is obvious), and he gets this freaky asf idea for jarty to literally just fuck and for him to just…watch. and that’s what happens. barty is a little hesitant but evan allows it (regulus told evan to come watch with him), and they just watch their boyfriends have sex and barty plus james are just blushing and stuttering messes bc they literally used to like each other and barty + james remember exactly how to make the other feel good and it’s so fucking hot to watch.

there are times where evan, james, barty, and reg go at it all together too, and it's funny because they won't admit in public that they like each other, other than jegulus and rosekiller, just for fun and to mess around with the fans and make them confused. And for example, whenever regulus and/or barty isnt available, evan will literally approach james and just tell him how desperate he is right in his ear and james would literally get so fucking hard and theyd just devour each other.)

fans are fucking confused and they think its a foursome and theyre all dating and in love bc regulus, evan, barty and james all start messing with the fans and it makes them so confused bc they post pictures of each other and them making out yk? All the fans know for sure is that it’s between four people who have a lot of trust in each other. barty trusts james and regulus because they used to date and were best friends, and he trusts evan because they're dating. evan trusts james bc barty used to date him and he's dating reg whos his best friend, james trusts barty because it's barty and he trusts evan bc hes bartys evan…its obvious why regulus trusts all of them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bartylus - kind of like Jily, except they were actually dating. barty loved regulus, but regulus was only dating him not only for funsies, but bc, yes, he also was in love with barty but Reg just wasn't ready for a relationship yet, even a fake dating one, but he didnt know how to explain himself + bc he had body dysmorphia since he was trans and he needed time to himself. evan is jealous as FUCK (he doesnt know who hes jealous of? perhaps he just wants to join..), james is crushing on regulus (and Barty + Evan) he just doesn't say anything bc barty already got to him and it's too late (HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT’S FINNA HAPPEN…). he’s closeted though so he ignores the feeling. regulus notices that barty is truly in love with him, so he breaks it off, explaining everything to him, and barty agrees to cut it off bc he still has some self respect. they're still friends though, evan is way to happy abt this yet also upset and regulus notices, they both talk abt it and regulus agrees they'd look cute together (he has a feeling barty’s not the only one evan likes…). He was NOT transitioned here.

Quillkiller - is a background ship.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Who’s a witch/wizard? Regulus, Mary, Marlene, Pandora, McG, Sirius, Lily, Bellatrix, Andromeda, Barty.

Who’s a vampire? Evan, Dorcas, Narcissa.

Who’s a werewolf? Remus. Just him, poor lad.

None, terrified for their life (but also awed)? Frank, Alice, James, Peter.

Frank and Peter shit their pants when they do smth scary.

James and Alice think it's cool and chill.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

James, Marlene, and Barty were childhood friends. They broke apart (not only) because James + Marlene were Christian and Barty + the other slytherins were satanists and by satanists i mean SATANISTS. not the good ones. there were rituals, sacrificing, murder, etc. this wasn't the only reason they broke apart. it was bc of regulus, liking each other and the tension, religion, etc.

marlene and barty still talk occasionally but secretly. marlene hooked up with narcissa, before dorcas.

Barty and Evan have each other’s first pic around their neck (Pandora got them on a necklace) and at the beginning of each concert they both kiss it and the fans go crazy. they aren’t together at this moment, and the fans are convinced they are but barty’s excuse (bc denial is a bitch) is that it gives them good luck. evan is pissy abt it but he doesnt show it.

the black sisters ARE included. so are the evil parents :(

Peter has a prosthetic hand. As a teenager, he was diagnosed with Apotemnophilia, which is a condition where an otherwise sane person is preoccupied with desires to amputate a healthy body part. It is characterized by emotional distress that disturbs social and occupational functioning. He followed an impulse and purposefully chopped his hand off with a butcher knife. He nearly died, but somehow survived. (Perhaps it was Pandora’s doing? 😏)

Dorcas has major anger issues. She sometimes blows up at random moments when things that anger her pile up into a huge mountain of pent up frustration. She yells, sometimes even breaks things and slaps someone/gets physically angry. She cries out of the fury too, and also from the guilt but she tries to shrug it off as ‘feeling very agitated’. Regulus and Pandora are trying to help her with this so she doesn’t harm anyone around her. Marlene gets scared of her at these times because Dorcas had once lifted her hand as if to slap her. She feels absolutely shitty about this ofc, so that’s her motivation to get better.

Sirius also has a lot of anger issues and stubbornness. I mean, he literally was raised in The House of Black. He still sometimes blows up on people but whenever he feels it coming, he steps out of the room and breathes in and out slowly, just like Remus (and Dorcas) taught him. He steps back into the room, and completely blocks out the other person so they don’t hurt each other. He’s also very stubborn. Convincing him to do something he doesn’t want to is extremely difficult, and he will get whatever he wants in some way, shape, or form. This man is not easy to break down and make vulnerable, he is cold when he wants to be, and stubborn when he can be.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

all the purebloods are mentioned with incest, and the fans find it hilarious but disgusting at the same time. many jokes abt it

james and barty do reconnect and are friends again (and more one day 😏), so marlene comes out with the truth and james gets playfully angry at her for not telling him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

ppl who have hooked up:

james and barty before fame. they were each other’s gay awakening, they were just scared of being gay bc of james’ parents and barty wasn't scared he was just worried that this wouldn't work out, and he was kind of in denial about being into a man. (it worked out!)

james and sirius for fun. also when prongsfoot happens. it was uncomfortable?? but they laughed during it so they had a good time!

peter has hooked up with all of them bc they all agreed he needed a boost of confidence abt his body. and i mean EVERYONE besides the lesbians, asexuals, aromantics, and straight dudes.

peter, barty, and evan bc why not? they're mentioned having sex a lot to the point readers will think they’re forever fuck buddies but they’re actually not, barty and evan just like making pete feel good abt himself and also—free sex!

evan and regulus, also as friends before fame since they were childhood friends like barty and james. regulus was having a crisis if he was into sex or not bc of his transition and if his body dysmorphia would get in the way, and evan was having a crisis if he was asexual or not. turns out, evan wasn't asexual, he just needs to have a emotional connection with the people he fucks, and reg was in fact gay, and his body didn’t impact sex in anyway for him. this is when they started developing feelings. at this time, regulus was wondering if he actually liked james and evan was wondering if he liked sex bc he wouldn't think about it like other dudes.

alice and narcissa got together after narcissa and marlene’s relationship, and then alice said she definitely wasn't into females and began dating frank (she’s either in denial, or she actually doesn’t like females).

bellatrix and rita because YES.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Valkyries: sound like Taylor Swift, Laufey, Mitski, Lady Gaga, Olivia Rodrigo, Phoebe Bridgers, Ethel Cain, very pop and indie.

The Marauders: Old songs/bands vibes, The Scorpions, Pink Floyd, stuff like that.

The Pantheons: The Neighbourhood, Cage the Elephant, Arctic Monkeys, Conan Gray, Ethel Cain and also Ghost. very Indie and dark stuff. Billie Eillish? Phoebe Bridgers?

~~~~~~~~~~~~

when the bands get together secretly, pandora and frank tell them to write a song and they’ll release it, but they have to sound like a song that the other band would write, just so the fans would be on edge. reluctantly, sirius and regulus oblige. The Pantheons sing Still Loving You - Scorpions, and The Marauders sing Don’t Cry - Guns N’ Roses

james and regulus tried hiding themselves from sirius, and when he found out all hell did in fact break loose, but he began to accept it over time because remus calmed him down and so did effie and monty. But then, he finds out about rosestarkillerchaser, and this causes him to have a heart attack and he approaches james and slaps him, and barty goes, “What the fuck do you think you’re doing!?” evan hisses, “The actual fuck was that for, arsehole!?” and reg just giggles and mocks, “Yeah, what was that for, Siri?” bc he knows damn well what that was for.

remus and lily get along GREATLY with regulus.

sirius and regulus have beef they need to get over with. their friends help ofc. bc of this barty, evan, pandora, and dorcas all hate him but would support regulus’ decision if he ever accepted sirius’ apology.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

evan and pandora are twins, not black though. I can’t imagine them being dark skinned bc I’m so used to evan being this pale Veela looking dude 😭

bc in the canon movie barty has that weird tongue tick, I decided to give him tourettes!

pandora plays the kalimba on her own time. she is so queen.

pandora is asexual and evan isn’t in this AU.

sometimes one of the slytherin skittles has a meltdown or a nightmare, and whoever is there from the group begins to comfort the other person (+ their lovers).

~~~~~~~~~~~~

The bodyguard for the marauders is mcgonagall! (She can and she will beat someone’s ass if they mess with the marauders. She sees them as her own children, she’s such a lesbian mother. The marauders always annoy her but she acts like she hates it even tho she doesn’t.)

The bodyguard for the pantheons is hagrid! (You would think since they’re death eaters they’d hate him, but they adore him. He’s so protective, and a big fluffy giant towards them. There are short tiny scenes where he bonds with the slytherin skittles.)

The bodyguards for the valkyries are the bodyguards wherever they sing!

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Family Issues include:

James Potter - he's had a happy childhood and a good, caring and loving family who took in nearly all of his friends as their own or as their second parent. whether it be sirius, marlene, barty, regulus, evan, it doesn’t matter. his parents miss barty and wonder how he is, but they'll see him again! (and 2 other men. effie is gonna have a heart attack and monty is gonna pass out) he was also spoiled and stuff since he was an only child and effie + monty were trying thousands of times for a kid. they love all of his friends and give him unlimited freedom yet they are strict in the most perfect ways.

Sirius Black - he was the heir of the black family. he was supposed to basically contact with the devil and make a blood oath to be his follower for life no matter what and he escaped last minute all the way to the potters, leaving his brother behind.

(everyone gets a tattoo when they make a blood oath and it’s the Sigil of Baphomet/The Serpent Leviathan/The Goat/The Inverted pentagram or pentacle.)

(other names for the bad guy: Lucifer, Satan, Beelzebub, Devil, The Devil, The Beast.)

Remus Lupin - his parents never really paid attention to him and he was neglected, his father had resentment for him since he got the wolfy problem and he wasn't their perfect son. hope, his mother, would take care of him in small ways like leave food for him, med kits, clean his clothes, make his bed, leave him small notes with poems about how much she loves him. he cut all contact with them though, other than his mother from time to time.

Peter Pettigrew - very chaotic family. thousands of cousins, aunts, uncles, grandpas, grandmas, etc. usually needs a break from family and concerts help him a lot with that. that's literally it. a lot of family issues and fights too that affect him badly.

Lily Evans - has problems with her sister, they always get into arguments even though she just wants the best for her sister. her parents favor her and you'd think lily would like the attention but she doesn't. petunia was never successful in life so seeing lily with so many friends, being all witchy, being famous, and managing to get many partners in life makes her envious. she vents to remus, regulus, her girl besties, mary, pandora, and sometimes even james about her problems. they try their best to help her. near the end, the sisters both get a good relationship.

Mary Macdonald - she doesnt ever open up about her parents, but it is mentioned they’re VERY strict, and they don’t like the idea of her job being JUST playing guitar in a bar. she rebels against them though all the time, thanks to Sirius.

Marlene Mckinnon - her parents are exactly like james’ except they always get into arguments when no one else is home other than their children. but they really do love each other! the parents (and siblings) also don't miss barty at first bc he's a proud chosen satanist, but after a long talk with james, effie, even regulus and marlene and after seeing barty again, they take it all back.

Dorcas Meadows - her parents don't care about her. that's it. they neglect her all the way until she was 16, the age that you must make the oath to the devil. that's the first time they showed her any attention and love, the first time they were home for more than 3 hours. she got the mark and she made the oath, but after turning 18 she became a christian to rebel against her parents’ beliefs. they were so neglectful tho that they didn't even notice.

Regulus Black - after sirius ran away his parents began to direct every single abuse and attention to him, forcing him not to mess up. he believed his parents really did love him but after some thorough talking with his friends (+ james, remus, and lily at some point) he sees the truth. when he finds out he's going to make the oath soon, he has a panic attack but right when he gets it he realizes that his whole future is now decided for him. he has his friends that comforted him though because they understand. but just like dorcas, right when he turned 18, he ran away from home and now shares an apartment with JUST barty and evan. that is until he (they) begin to date james. and he also becomes an atheist even though he did see the devil. he chooses not to believe in those things, but he does do witchcraft.

Barty Crouch Jr. - his dad never cared about him unless it was unleashing his anger on him or dragging him to church. this was the reason why he even decided to get the blood oath and tattoo. and the thing is, he didn’t only receive the tattoo people usually got immediately, but he tattooed every single satanic symbol on his body. he also did it for his friends so they wouldn't be alone. he's an open satanist, and MOST ppl dont care bc they know how he really is. (you would think james wouldn't like the pantheons for this reason, but he found it hot?? poor jam—ME TOO!!!)

Evan Rosier - his parents were abusive and didn't care about him, they favored Pandora bc many men wanted to marry her for a lot of money and she was very easy to manipulate. they would literally starve him, lock him in dark rooms, etc. he was forced to become a satanist and he knew it was coming so he alerted all his other friends about it. after turning 18 though, he became a theistic satanist, just so he could show the devil that he won't fight what he has typed onto his skin, but he’ll choose to be his own god bc this one clearly couldn't control him!

Pandora Rosier - she was favored by her parents, and she knew they thought she was easy to manipulate and ‘dumb’, so she played along. when she was forced to do the blood oath, as much as she wanted to fight and run away she didn't. she took the oath calmly, and chose the most open place for the tattoo. after turning 18 though, she unlabeled herself completely, and she ‘designed’ the old tattoo with new ones, just to make old sat-sat mad.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Races:

mexican james (evan and reg fall to their knees when he speaks spanish. even barty does which he rarely shows, but it happens he just tries to hide it.)

french sirius (remus is in love with him.)

welsh remus (for some reason, everyone other than sirius finds his accent ugly. barty and evan + reg were a little iffy about the accent when they were dating/‘dating’ him.)

british peter

jewish lily (very proud about her religion, mary loves her so much bc she's just different like that.)

british mary

korean marlene (dorcas loves that bc it means she can learn a new language and she loves learning new things.)

jamaican dorcas (WE LOVE HER!!! Marlene is in love with her.)

french regulus (is there anything to say? james, barty, and evan all fucking love it. they crave it. Evan is more chill with it bc he speaks Italian but when they both start going back and forth in their languages it’s so HOT.)

german barty (evan genuinely feels weak in the knees when bee speaks german, james gets even more turned on, and regulus acts like it doesn't affect him.)

italian evan (same thing as bartys.)

italian + thousands of other languages for some reason pandora?? (everyone loves her. she slays.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ages:

James: 21

Sirius: 21

Remus: 21

Peter: 20

Lily: 21

Mary: 19

Marlene: 22

Dorcas: 22

Regulus: 20

Barty: 19

Evan: 21

Pandora: 21

Alice: 24

Frank: 24

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Religion:

James - Christian (was raised in a christian household. would go to church every weekend. his dad thought that barty was also christian just like marlene and james bc Crouch Senior would take him to church and they would see him there, but effie knew better. barty knew that effie knew, so he would always confide in her, and she would always be there for him bc she didn't care abt religion. monty didn't either, he was just shocked.)

Sirius - Nearly Satanism, Christian (was forced to become those bad satanists, but when he was supposed to get the ‘dark mark’ he ran away during the night, leaving regulus behind.)

Remus - Atheist (never cared about religion, and his parents didn't either. he believes we all choose our own fate, and not some being/energy.)

Peter - Christian—i mean c'mon have you seen his family?—was interested in Satanism for a moment but not anymore after realizing the importance of his friends and family. barty and evan knocked some sense in him (+ reg at one tiny moment).

Lily - Jewish (her family was jewish and so was she, but she doesn't have anything against others with different religions.)

Mary - Atheist (like remus.)

Marlene - Christian (like james.)

Dorcas - forced to become a Satanist, but after turning 18 she chose to become Christian. (like sirius, except she never ran away, she took the mark but turned into a christian, and her parents were so neglecting that they didn't notice.)

Regulus - forced to become a satanist, but after turning 18 he chose to become an atheist. (yes, he did see the devil himself, but he decided not to believe in him and keep everything to himself, and basically be in denial. people would call him a coward (even sirius at first), but after finding out more about his point of view on the matter, they would understand. he does open up about it with his friends after a long time of covering it up).

Barty - always wanted to rebel his father and never really cared about religion, he would say he’s an atheist but after making the blood oath he DEFINITELY believed in the gods..he was a forced christian but decided to become a reactive satanist for his friends and to disappoint his father extremely to his limit. his friends (specifically evan) were very angry at him abt this but they got over it. (evan didn't as much, he feels very guilty about it and barty + james + pandora always reassure him that it's not his fault or anyone else's besides his parents’. regulus never said anything bc like i said: denial.)

Evan - forced to become a BAD satanist, but after turning 18 he chose to become a theistic satanist, which means he believes he is the god of himself. (he did this to ‘show’ the devil that he is his own person and not some puppet.)

Pandora - doesn't care about religion. is unlabeled. but was forced to become a satanist. (if anyone asks her about the topic she'll literally just stare at you and majestically float away. if any of her close friends ask her, or if it's obvious someone is in distress, that's the only time she'll open up about it.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Barty, Reactive Satanism - Refers to a group of individuals who adopt the stories of mainstream religion but invert its value. Thus, Satan is still an evil god as defined in Christianity, but one to be worshiped rather than shunned and feared. In contrast, most modern “rationalistic and esoteric” Satanist groups are loosely organized with a set of moralities which explicitly focus on this world. Some may have a more transcendent, spiritual dimension that might include the possibility of an afterlife. Such groups tend to be more exclusively naturalistic and all shun violence and criminal activities, which is what barty is a part of bc he’s not THAT evil.

Evan, Theistic Satanism - In the resulting theistic Satanism, practitioners recognize the existence of one or more supernatural beings. The major god, viewed as a father or older brother, is often called Satan, but some groups identify the leader as a version of the ancient Egyptian god Set. Set is a spiritual entity, based on the ancient Egyptian notion of xeper, translated as “self-improvement” or “self-creation.” Regardless of the being or beings in charge, none of them resemble the Christian Satan. Instead, they are beings which have the same general qualities as the symbolic Satan: sexuality, pleasure, strength, and rebellion against Western mores.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

NOT ALL FORMS OF SATANISM PROMOTE MURDER, RAPE, EVIL, ETC. —OFTEN TIMES SATAN IS A GOD OF THINGS LIKE FREEDOM, SEXUALITY, STRENGTH, CREATIVITY, HEDONISM, AND SUCCESS!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~

[tootyfruities]

honeypie i hope you know you are the only person who can get away with calling me bbg unironically and make me feel all giddy and hair twirly 🤭

but i’ll be patiently waiting for whenever you choose to write me~ 🤭🩷 and yes i know it’s been 2 years but i still haven’t stopped lip biting and i probably never will !!!!!

IM CONSIDERING PLAYING COD JUST FOR THE NEW NICKI MINAJ SKIN LMFAO but i know nothing abt nothing so you let me know what i should do cuz i trust you 😇

also how was your day today?? read: ramble to me right neow 🤬🩷‼️ i hope it was a wonderful one :> we’re currently watching hamilton for english class and tee bee aitch i never really cared for the historical context (not anymore thanks to collegeboard 😍) i just liked the songs lolll

also smoochy poo is so cute oh my gosh I LOVE YOU SO MUCH ACTUALLY BITING YOUR FACE (affectionately <3) MANIFESTING ALL THE GOOD THINGS IN THE WORLD FOR YOU MY LOVABLE DARLING FROOT <3

p.s. i feel kinda bad for clogging your blog w/ my foolishness and obsession for you (🤭😋😍😻😘💕🫶🏽) so feel free to hop into my inbox literally anytime i post like periodically once every month anyway 💀💀

IT'S BEEN 2 YEARS WHAT!!!! THAT'S CRAZY!!!! i lose track of time so quick frfr... UM HAPPY 2 YEARS MILOVE? also i will call you anything you please j 2 make you giddy and hair twirly teehee 🤭

^ me 2 you during every other breath i take in the past 2 years (i think this is the small version of the gif but that's SO fitting)

COD!!! cod mobile i would kiss on the mouth actually. takes up a lot of space on my phone and updates ALL the time but it's great 2 pass time. always has events going and lotta in app purchases, i don't really touch either of those and assume you would havta do smth or another to get ms nicki 😞😞 BUT it is fun, always has new mini game sorta things (prop hunt once, currently doing some kinda zombie game)

MY DAY OML!! uh uh school was ok math was a breeze(4 once!!! we talked abt triangles and i truly did Understand the Assignment), there was one Weird down where my drama teacher got at me for making a trans woman pun??? (she said the boy next door became a mummy what was i SUPPOSED to say besides being proud abt her having a child!!) definitely got my opinion uhhh interestingly changed about her. we've just hung out since i got home, went on a walk and my ✨poor poor directionally challenged self✨ was able to actually lead for once! i got us to a place AND back and i am SO cool for that. currently waiting to get some chinese food bc we got picky eaters(what was available to make wouldn't work for them) and leftovers didn't sound good for some of us(SADGE i wanted to play around with the queso...)

the songs for hamilton are so good! lin manuel miranda, love his songwriting, hate when it like... has guidelines, if that makes sense. i once read a thing about how he should just be left to make music in a garage somewhere and that's how to get his best music (which is real and accurate, btw. source? uhh just trust me)

no need to feel bad abt clogging my blog! it's mostly j reblogs nowadays, getting some personal talk in there is PERFECT frfrfr!! but i will abs take you up on that offer and drop by your inbox whenever!! by the wayyy... do you perhaps have a current favorite fictional character? :3c <3

[toloveandbelovedtoo]

Day 5: connection

Wow... Today was... Wow. Not what I was expecting. Like at all. I was having some trouble with myself and thoughts late last night and feeling so uncomfortable in this exploration, but knowing it was because I was outside my comfort zone and this is all just so new feeling. As I was showering, I thought to myself, I should go out to this yoga studio I like that offers their classes for free to trans people. My therapist had mentioned taking in person classes and I finally remembered to look up the classes.

I found one for today called Yoga Nidra, or sleeping yoga and I thought, hell yeah, I like the idea of getting to lay on my back with a blanket and listen to a meditation and singing bowls. I went in a bit nervous cause it's a new location with unknown people, but I wanted to stop being such a hermit and get out of my house more. I had laid down on the mat, thrown the blanket over me, and placed this bean bag thing over my eyes. I laid with a bolster under my knees and palms up as I listened to the teach guide the class through relaxing the body piece by piece.

She had guided us to imagine being in different locations, I can't remember the first location, but she had us imagining being at the edge of a pond facing a sunset. It was in that time I felt like I had sunken into my body and a flood of emotion overtook my body. It felt like a flood of cold, my body was shaking, and I felt so anxious. She told us then to imagine the moon and I tried to think about the moon and the craters and shadows, but my thoughts kept going back to fear, to this feeling of not wanting to dying, to being so scared because I was feeling so much.

I repeated to myself that I was Taylor. I was laying in a building in my city that is in my state and that I was going to be okay. I opened my eyes but they were still covered by the eye mask, but the slivers of light they peaked through grounded me. The practice ended with us rolling onto our sides then sitting up and as I was folding my blanket, I saw a giant palmetto bug making a bee line to me a few inches from my mat. My body was loose and my limbs weren't cooperating with me, but the teacher caught it in a jar and took it out. I think about that bug, one of the ones that creep me out and maybe it was there for a reason.

I was feeling so anxious and shaky after the session and I didn't feel like I could go home just yet. The yoga teacher had explained beforehand that she was also a therapist and she would spend some time after class in the lobby if anyone wanted to talk. I sat down in a chair and wait for the other student to leave and when she did, I asked the teacher if she would sit with me because I wasn't okay. I felt like crying, I did cry, and she stayed with me while I let that emotion out. We did a breathing exercise and I explained to her what I felt and how I felt it was related to this exploration that I was doing, the release of all that I was holding.

I had this beautiful moment with a stranger that I had asked for help, I gave myself that space to allow a stranger see me be scared and vulnerable and it was an act of love for myself to ask for something I need as well as an act of love to receive that care from someone I didn't know. She explained to me the therapeutic uses of yoga nedra and how it releases emotions that we have been carrying and I told her about the practice I felt was similar that my therapist I do to explore what emotions feel like when I give them the space and honor their presence.

I went home after getting a milkshake from Cook-out and tried to lay down to allow those feeling space, but I ended up in the bathroom listening to Encanto's soundtrack while I journaled what I was feeling. The bathroom is a safe space for me, a place where I could go to cry and be emotional without anyone hearing me. I would turn on the shower and cry and I don't really know if the shower and fan drowned out my cries, but it helped. And half way through writing, it just all felt like I understood what I was trying to do by undertaking this project.

That I am worthy not despite my flaws and broken bits, but because they are apart of my whole being. I am worthy of love and being loved and giving love because I'm Taylor, I don't have to be anything else, I don't have to make myself smaller, or quieter, or easier to handle, I am loved for my true being. And sure, I think those that tried to minimize me and make me feel smaller loved me, but not in a way that was healthy, sustainable, and was twinged with toxic believes and actions. I saw myself the way my friends I have now saw me and that I didn't have to have a skill or a service to offer them, I was just loved for being me.

I feel like a butterfly crawling out of my cocoon after being caterpillar goop and I'm learning to look and love my new wings, to let them open and flourish them, to feel the wind around them as I try to take off. I was having a lot of emotions recently after having a really tough 2022, after feeling burned out from work, after doing some heavy trauma healing work the last few months, but especially the last couple of weeks. There was a lot I needed to unleash and that yoga practice helped. I feel scared, but I feel hopeful.