#did i forget to post yesterday because i was decorating for halloween?

[detectivedaphy]

Wally is painting the screen!

[hercleverboy]

turning page

spencer reid x reader 

genre > fluff 

wc > 1.6k

spencer has loved the reader for as long as could remember. when they meet again years later by chance, will everything fall back into place? 

Spencer had loved Y/N for as long as he could remember.

He recalled how they’d met when they started school together. She was his only real friend, his best friend. They walked to and from school together, he taught her how to play chess, and sometimes even let her win. She always defended him from the bullies who relentlessly tormented him. He’d never forget that she was the one who’d untied him from the goal post his tormenters had strapped him  to humiliate him. How she’d offered him her jacket, walked him home. She’d even offered to let him stay the night at her house, aware of his mother’s condition. He’d politely refused, but was also so grateful that she’d bothered to ask. They were young, but he knew he loved her. 

When he moved away for college, it was one of the hardest decisions he’d ever had to make, leaving her behind. He wanted to ask her to come with him but he knew she couldn’t leave, even if she wanted to. She had family and commitments she had to uphold. (”I can’t just drop everything and go, Spence. But if I could I’d be with you in a heartbeat.”) The last time he hugged her, he relished in the feeling of his skin on hers, tried desperately not to think about how this may be the last time he’s fortunate enough to hold her in his arms. They loved one another, that much was certain. 

but it went unspoken, the fear of rejection, the innate human need to protect themselves from being hurt. 

So he’d said goodbye to her, and for years after he wished he’d told her he loved her before he left. She lingered in the back of his mind as he grew up, still evading his thoughts from time to time. His heart would still race at the thought of her, at the crystal clear memories he still held so close to him.

It was four years after joining the BAU that he met her again. Completely by chance, in a random coffee shop a block from his apartment. Initially, he couldn’t believe it was her. She still had the same smile, the one he could still remember as if he last saw it yesterday. She was still so beautiful, in fact, her beauty almost put his memory to shame. Eidetic or not, it couldn’t possibly encompass her beauty. It radiated from her like the sun, and he just knew he had to talk to her again.

“Y/N?” He’d asked, the nerves creeping up his throat and making him nauseous.

She turned around, her confused gaze leaving her features and being replaced with one of shock as the realisation hit her. “Spencer?”

He nodded with a timid grin, and she smiled. “I’m so glad to see you! It’s been so long, how are you?”

And they talked for hours, just as they had all them years ago. They chatted and laughed as if not a day had passed since they’d last spoken. As though they’d simply picked up where they left off.

It didn’t take Spencer long to realise that now she was back in his life, he wasn’t going to let her go so easily.

It only took him two months to ask her out.

Nothing prepared me for

What the privilege of being yours would do

After an entire year together, Spencer still couldn’t seem to comprehend just how lucky he was. Every morning he got to wake up beside her, his girl, he thanked every star for giving him a woman so incredible, so loving and compassionate.

It was a privilege to love her, and to receive her love in return.

Whenever he woke up early on days that he knew were going to be hectic, he liked to take a moment to watch her as she slept. Her head would rest on his chest, soft snores leaving her slightly parted lips. He’d noticed how the early morning sunlight that streamed through a gap in the curtains seemed to perfectly frame her natural beauty. He let his eyes travel over her face, remembering the place of every freckle, how her eyelashes brushed so delicately against her cheeks. He buried the memories deep in the crevices of his mind, hoping he’d never have to face a day where he couldn’t remember those details. The details he treasured so greatly.

On days like that, he would think back to all those years he’d lived without her (and he couldn’t understand how he’d managed it, now his life would be so empty and incomplete without her warmth). He would think back to the late nights that he stared up at the ceiling, recalling conversations they’d had many years before, analysing them, berating himself for letting her go.

He recalled how he’d cried one night, when it finally seemed to hit him just how much he missed her, and how the chances of finding her when he had no idea where to start were astronomically small. He was so sure he’d missed his shot with her, that he’d had his chance already, that he wasn’t lucky enough to be given a second one.

Luckily for Spencer, the universe had other plans. (It does work in mysterious ways, you see.)

Every kiss is a cursive line

Every touch is a redefining phrase

Spencer learned to indulge himself in every moment they shared. To really take in how her lips felt against his, how they made him feel so safe and happy and home.

He thinks he would kiss her forever if he could.

When a case was rough and he just needed her to hold him, to press light kisses to his forehead and assure him that everything was okay.

He truly treasured every touch, no matter how small, every kiss, no matter how quick. In his line of work, the little things are what mattered at the end of the day.

She was what mattered.

Y/N was everything to Spencer. His only constant, the one who held him through pain and anger and upset and never questioned or ridiculed him. He knew how important his job was, and he knew that every day he went to work he was making someone’s life better, he knew that his work mattered.

But he also knew that jobs would come and go, that he could easily find another job elsewhere, it would be no hassle at all. He would never find another her, however. She was it for him. He’d seen relationships crumble because of the job, he’d watched Hotch lose his wife because of the job and he knew he never wanted to lose Y/N to the job either.

He’d quit the BAU tomorrow if she asked.

(But she would never ask.)

I surrender who I've been for who you are

For nothing makes me stronger than your fragile heart

On the really bad days when all he needed was her arms around him, for her soothing voice to fill his ears, he realised exactly what he’d give up for her. For the love of his life, he not sure there’s anything he wouldn’t do. For her.

He recognised how his heart swelled with true happiness whenever he was with her. He recalled the time they decorated their apartment together for Halloween, Y/N had been hanging decorations from the ceiling when Spencer had spooked her. She’d squealed and given him a death glare that was soon broken by a fit of giggles as he swarmed her with tickles and kisses. (She could never stay mad at him, and Spencer was sure that her laughter could cure any illness and right any wrongs.)

He found strength in her. In how she would gently place her hand over his when they were in loud public places and he began to get anxious. In how she would send him reassuring smiles from across the room whenever she watched him give a guest lecture to a room full of aspiring agents, which would immediately soothe his nerves. In how she’d let him rest his head on her chest on the nights where he needed immediate reassurance that she was safe in the form of her heartbeat.

He always worried that he wasn’t as good of a boyfriend as she deserved, as she always seemed to do more for him than he did for her.

(She’d shut that down quickly by shaking her head and whispering, “Spence, you do enough by just being here with me. I’ll never ask for anything more from you.”)

Spencer guessed he was just lucky like that.

Although Spencer had never been a lucky man, he didn’t even really believe in luck. To Spencer, everything could be explained scientifically. He didn’t like to think that things in his life were a result of luck, a result of pure chance. He didn’t believe in such a factor until he met Y/N.

Because how else could he explain how someone like her wanted, loved, someone like him?

If it wasn’t luck, he didn’t know what it was.

But he’d like to think that him and Y/N had come together on their own. That there was no luck or change involved, no will of the universe wanting them together.

No. He chose to believe that they were simply meant to be. That their love could withstand the weight of the world and not crumble.

And for Spencer, that was more than enough.

Though we're tethered to the story we must tell

When I saw you, well I knew we'd tell it well

With a whisper we will tame the vicious seas

Like a feather bringing kingdoms to their knees

[tina-aumont]

Well, I did it...

🧡This is my home altar. In it I place all the important things that help me evolve spiritually speaking, so you’ll see Buddha, sacred water, a small totem from Canada, incense sticks...🧡🧡

🧡Yesterday I decorated it with Autumn leaves and things, because Autumn is my favourite season.

🧡During all day I was thinking in posting a photo of Tina, I really feel very connected to her these days, perhaps becuase she passed away close to these dates and Halloween is coming. As I took the book for her, I also thought of Pam Courson, so I picked up the book as well and I placed both in my altar. Behind these books which symbolise their souls (Jim’s and I would like to think Frédéric Pardo’s as well) there are a salt lamp and a Goddess statue I bought when I went to Avalon.

🧡I really wish for their souls a good journey to the light. Tina’s life wasn’t easy at all with lots of bad chances but in the end she could overtake them all although her health was too fragile. That was her cost. I hope in her next life she doesn’t suffer the way she did in this one, because she didn’t deserve it.

🧡Pam has been villified and blamed for Jim’s death, and I think she doesn’t deserve it neither. People tend to forget she was only 24 when the love of her life passed away, she was just a child.

🧡This is for you sweet souls, may you rest in peace, in the sweet peace you deserve until you are ready to come back here with a more cheerful life. I love you.

Eleni 💜

[unintentional-sad-wizard]

Sorry about the long post but I just gotta talk about this.

So I have this terrible Spanish teacher who I’ve been stuck with for two years already and I have him all of this year too because he’s the only one at the school that does the higher level spanish classes. And he’s just one of the worst teachers I’ve ever had, not because he’s incompetent or dumb but because he absolutely terrifies me.

He doesn’t like my class because it’s the Spanish immersion class and not the regular students, and when they started the program he said he didn’t want to teach us but he got stuck with us anyway. Freshman year he told our class several times that he didn’t want to teach us, and always talks about how all his other classes are better students (even though we’re usually more experinced than them because we’ve been learning Spanish since elementary school). He LOVES all the students in the normal classes, and they all love him too, so very few people are on my side when it comes to talking about how bad he is.

He’s often unorganized and loses papers that we turn in or forgets to write the homework assignment on the board, and then blames us for not turning things in.

He also makes it really hard to come in outside of class and make up assignments, and it’s nearly impossible to find a chance to talk to him about missed assignments and things. Last year I missed several things because of cross country meets and every time I tried to ask him when and what I could make up, he would just be like “have a nice day!” and walk away. I finally sent him an email asking about it and he yelled at me for five minutes in front of the entire class about how he doesn’t have time to answer one stupid email and how I should have asked him in person, even though he made that impossible.

And I am full of anxiety, which makes all of this worse. I’ve gotten to the point where I just don’t say or do anything about him, I just deal with whatever shitty things he does because that’s easier and less scary than confronting him, especially since he’s been at the school forever and most of the staff and students are on his side.

So yesterday, on Halloween, when he tried to do something nice for once and let us watch a horror movie in class, I didn’t say anything. Even though I CANNOT handle scary movies. I hadn’t even actually watched a real horror movie before, but even seeing a preview for one makes it impossible to eat or sleep for like a week. I still have nightmares about a preview I saw for some scary movie back in middle school.

So we were watching The Orphanage and I sat there and tried not to look at the screen, but I couldn’t block out the sounds. Because the worst part for me is the screaming and suspenseful music. I don’t even like Halloween decorations that play scary music, even if what I’m seeing isn’t too bad. And he wouldn’t let us use our phones or even read while it was on.

It kind of ruined my Halloween because I was exhausted all day after having a breakdown when I got home, and then I couldn’t really eat anything all day and I barely slept. And today I walk into class and he’s like “Time to finish te movie!” which is the first time we’ve ever finished a movie we start in his class because my luck is just that terrible.

My friend ended up talking to him for me and he said I could just go somewhere else and do homework, so now I’m sitting in the library trying not to cry, with my hands shaking so hard I can barely type, just from that one little interaction.

I have him for the entire rest of the year for a class that I can’t drop, and there’s no other teachers for this class. And almost everyone in the school is on his side. And anything I say about how bad he is he will twist to make everything he did my fault.

[eldritchsurveys]

436.

What is the most annoying thing about your life right now? and how can you change it? >> I can’t really think of anything except, like, being sensory-defensive, which I can’t change.

What was the flavor of the last smoothie you had? >> ---

Do you think you get enough protein? >> I probably do.

What is your favorite time of day to run? >> I don’t run.

How many 5ks have you ran? >> Exactly zero.

What is a current concern of yours right now? >> I don’t have any concerns.

What color shirt are you wearing? >> Black. I’m actually wearing a shirt for once, because it’s chilly tonight.

When was the last time you talked to your mom? >> ---

What's one unpopular opinion you have? >> I don’t have any sense of moral outrage about the existence of paedophiles and I strongly believe that the stigma should be lessened so that they can go to therapy without fearing the dire consequences of revealing their pathology.

What's a dream you've had since childhood that hasn't left you? >> ---

Do you parents crush your dreams? >> ---

What's a show you remember the very first episode of? >> Well, I mean, a lot of shows. I remember the very first episode of American Horror Story because I literally rewatched it yesterday.

Did you sleep in today? >> I don’t sleep in, I just sleep until I’m done sleeping.

Do you hate sleeping in? >> I hate sleeping too much, which usually happens when my sleep is interrupted and my internal clock is all thrown off.

How late do you consider too late to sleep in? >> I don’t like to still be sleeping past like 9a.

What is something of yours that is falling apart? >> I can’t think of anything.

Does your phone have a good camera on it? >> It’s serviceable.

How long have you had a smartphone? >> I’ve had this one for a year. I’ve been using smartphones in general for maybe 5.

How old were you when you got your first smartphone? >> Late 20s.

Do you have a crush on someone right now? >> No.

When was the last time you saw your crush? >> ---

If applicable, what is stopping you from pursuing your crush? >> ---

Did you ever regret letting someone go? >> No.

Who is someone you wish were still in your life? >> ---

When was your due date, and when were you born? >> I don’t know when my due date was. I was born on the 28th of May.

Do you want to have kids? >> Not particularly.

Do you keep lists of names that you like? >> No.

How long does it normally take for you to fill a journal? >> ... It’s weird how many of these questions were on the other survey I just took.

What are you behind on? >> Nothing.

Do you have a good doctor? >> I don’t have a doctor at all.

Do you like to sit on the floor? >> Sometimes, as long as I have back support.

What color is the toolbar at the top of your screen? >> Black.

What website do you usually check first when you get online? >> The first thing I check when I open my browser is the browser extension for my email accounts.

Have you ever butt-dialed someone? >> No.

Have you ever sent a text message to the wrong person by accident? >> No.

What is your favorite type of pizza? >> Veggie or pepperoni.

What is your favorite pizza place? >> Jet’s.

Do you enjoy eating at 50's diners? >> I mean, sure.

What are your favorite girls' names? >> ---

What are your favorite boys' names? >> ---

What do you want to be for Halloween this year? >> I haven’t thought about it.

What do you do to make money? >> I’m on a federal fixed income.

Name someone you know who has everything handed to them. >> I don’t know anyone like that.

Do you know anyone who is spoiled or stuck-up? >> No.

Do you believe life is fair? >> No, and I don’t need it to be.

Have you ever made a fan account on Instagram? >> No.

Have you ever bought a youtuber's merch? >> No.

Name three people you want to meet in Heaven. >> ---

Do you believe in Heaven and Hell? >> I do not.

If so, do you believe you are going to Heaven? >> ---

What was the best time of your life? >> ---

Do you feel loved or appreciated for who you are? >> I don’t think I’ll ever feel that way about anyone outworld, but I always feel that way about inworlders.

What could be the theme song of your life? >> ---

Don't you hate being all alone? (if applicable) >> Not at all.

Do you believe rich people are worth more than those who are poor? >> No.

When was the last time you read the Bible? >> It’s been a few years. I always forget I even own a copy of it.

Do you have any embarrassing health issues? >> No.

What are you longing for? >> Nothing.

Who do you wish you could talk to? >> ---

What was the name of the college you went to? >> I didn’t.

Were your college years the best years of your life? >> ---

Who was your first roommate? >> I don’t remember.

Who lived across the hall from you your first year of college? >> ---

What was your favorite food they served in the Dining Commons? >> ---

Do you consider the lunch ladies your friends? >> ---

Have you ever had a janitorial job? >> No. I’d have a meltdown a minute if I tried to work a job like that.

Have you ever worked in food service? >> Briefly.

What was your first job? >> In food service.

What year did you graduate high school? >> 2004.

What's something of yours that is missing right now? >> Nothing of mine is missing right now.

Do you lose or misplace things a lot? >> No.

Have you ever had a nasty rumor spread about you? >> Yeah.

Has anyone ever tried to ruin your reputation? >> I don’t think I’ve ever had a reputation.

What is your favorite flavor of frosting? >> ---

What is your favorite type of donut? >> Krispy Kreme glazed.

What is the name of your favorite bakery? >> ---

What is your current favorite Starbucks drink? >> ---

Have you ever been to the very first Starbucks in Seattle? >> No.

When was the last time you wrote someone a letter? >> ---

Do you write mostly in cursive or in print? >> Mostly print, because I usually only write longhand when I’m filling out a form or something like that.

Have you ever called a teacher "mom" by mistake? >> No.

Do you like the color of your eyes? >> Sure.

What color are your eyes? >> Dark brown.

What was the name of the street you grew up on (if you don't live there now)? >> Broadway. (Not that one, lol.)

What was the name of the first dorm you lived in? >> ---

What was the name of your first imaginary friend? >> The first inworlder that I can remember is a girl named Clodagh. I must have been about 6 or 7.

Does it still feel like summer where you live? >> Eh, some days. The temperature is kind of up and down.

What is today's date? >> 27 September.

Who's birthday is today? >> Beats me.

What do you usually get for your birthday? >> A daytrip to Chicago. Sometimes a whole weekend.

Who's birthday is coming up next? >> Sparrow’s.

What is the last thing that came in the mail for you from Amazon? >> A pair of shorts.

Do you have a Paypal account? >> Yeah.

Have you ever had a brand or company reach out to you on Instagram? >> No.

What is the last thing you purchased from Etsy? >> A perfume oil.

Do you sell on Etsy? >> No.

What is a childhood dream that hasn't stuck with you? >> ---

What is something you want to change about your life? >> I’m not looking to make any changes right now.

What is one thing you are looking forward to coming up? >> *shrug*

Have you decorated for fall yet? >> I don’t decorate for seasons.

Do you type fast? >> I do.

What color was your bedroom growing up? >> I don’t remember.

Who was your first favorite cartoon character? >> Johnny Bravo, maybe. I didn’t get to watch many cartoons, and in fact, that’s the only one I can remember watching.

Who is your favorite Disney princess? >> Moana.

Do you enjoy typing? >> Sure.

What bank do you use? >> Flagstar.

What grocery store do you shop at the most? >> Meijer.

What is your favorite fast food place? >> I don’t have one.

Do you get sauce on your pizza? >> Yeah.

Do you like hamburgers? >> Sure.

Do you like Coca Cola? >> No.

Do you like McDonald's french fries? >> Sometimes. Sometimes they’re not salty enough.

What color is your hair? >> Dark brown.

Did you get your hair color from your mom, your dad, or a grandparent? >> All of them, I guess.

What is your name (first and middle)? >> Mordred Shadow.

What are some other names your parents' considered when naming you? >> My parents did not name me.

What would you have been named if you had been born the opposite gender? >> ---

Do you prefer tea hot or cold? >> Hot.

What is the best fall drink? >> Apple cider or mulled wine.

Who was the last person you know who had a baby? And what was the baby's name? >> Sparrow’s sister, Liz. The baby’s name is Elliot.

If you had a boy and a girl, what would they be named? >> ---

Do you clean your room often? >> No, I don’t have to clean it that often.

Who taught you how to drive? >> No one. (I don’t drive.)

What color is your dresser? >> White.

Do you have a hope chest? >> No, but I had one as a child. 

Do you have a favorite aunt, and if so, who is it? >> ---

Who is your favorite cousin? >> ---

Do you look like your mom? >> ---

What does your middle name rhyme with? >> I don’t know, what does “shadow” rhyme with?

What does your first name mean? >> I don’t feel like copy-pasting that again.

Have you bought next year's calendar yet? >> I don’t buy calendars, although that Bananya... however that shit is spelled... one that I saw recently was tempting, lol.

What year did/will you turn 30? >> I turned 30 in 2017.

Have you found your first gray/white hair yet? >> Yeah, a few years ago.

Is your hair long or short? and which way do you like it best? >> Short. It hasn’t been long since childhood, so.

What's a food that you like, but it makes you feel sick? >> ---

Do you have a problem with needles? >> No.

Have you ever had to use an epi pen? If so, do you get a bruise when you use it? >> No.

Have you ever ridden in an ambulence? >> Yeah, both in the front and the back.

If applicable, what color are your glasses? >> ---

Do you like the name Addison? >> It’s fine.

Is there anything that you regret getting rid of? >> No.

What have you been saving up to by for a while? >> Nothing.

Does anything bother you about your past? >> I mean, sure, if I bother thinking about it.

Do you get bullied on facebook a lot? >> ---

Why do you think people bully others? >> That’s not something I have any insight about.

Have you ever stood up to a bully? >> No.

Do you post on youtube regularly, if you have a channel? >> ---

Which famous person do you think you could be friends with? >> I don’t know enough about any famous person to say.

If you could sit down and talk to anyone for an hour, who would it be? >> ---

Do you own striped tights? >> No.

Have you ever made your own Halloween costume out of clothes from ur closet? >> I mean, clothes from my closet is basically what I wear every Halloween, because I’ve never worn a costume.

Do you own any antique furniture? >> No.

What year were you born? >> 1987.

What is your favorite alcoholic beverage? >> That’s hard to say, I like a lot of them.

Do you set goals for yourself? >> No.

Which country has the coolest flag? >> I don’t know.

Do you like your country's flag? >> No, it’s not that aesthetically pleasing to me.

Which country do you live in? >> USA.

What is your heritage? >> Hm.

When was the last time you received a hug? >> I don’t remember.

Do you believe hugs are necessary for survival? >> If they are, I guess I should be dead.

Do you have anyone who hugs you regularly? >> No, because I prefer not to be hugged frequently (if at all).

Who gives the best hugs? >> I don’t know.

Would you rather have the bottom bunk or top bunk? >> Top.

Window seat or aisle seat? >> Window, always.

Have you ever thrown up on an airplane? >> No.

Have you ever seen anyone else throw up on an airplane? >> No. I’m tempted to believe that’s just a thing that happens in movies, but of course my experience isn’t like... comprehensive or anything.

Have you ever gotten sick in the car? >> No.

What color pen do you write with the most? >> Black.

Do you still wear clothes from the children's section? >> I wear children’s underwear.

What were your favorite stores when you were in high school? >> Hot Topic was one.

Do you watch Bethany Mota on youtube? >> No.

What color is your watch? >> ---

What color was the last pair of flip-flops you wore? >> Black.

What is your favorite season? >> Spring or autumn.

Were you born in your favorite season? >> Spring, yeah.

Have you eaten oatmeal lately? >> No, but now that summer is almost over I will probably start eating it again. (I don’t like eating heavy breakfast foods in warm weather.)

If you have bangs, do you cut them yourself? >> ---

What color was the last cup you drank out of? >> Yellow and white.

Do you enjoy graphic designing? >> I don’t know anymore, I haven’t done it in years.

Do you enjoy editing photos? >> Meh.

What is your favorite app on your phone? >> If we’re going by how often they’re used, Gems of War or CloudLibrary.

Do you answer your phone every time it rings? >> I never answer my phone.

Have you ever called the wrong number? >> Not that I can recall.

Do you usually pick Truth or Dare? >> I don’t play Truth or Dare.

Was your first kiss magical? >> ---

Do you like kissing? >> Not unless it’s inworld.

Who do you want to be best friends with? >> ---

Do you like to decoupage things? >> No.

Do you have a printer? >> Not anymore.

How many tabs are open on your browser right now? >> Two.

Which Internet browser do you use? >> Chrome.

Did you have a Myspace page back in the day? >> I sure did.

Do you miss Myspace bulletins? >> No.

Did you ever learn HTML? >> I used to be pretty proficient at it back when I was on MySpace and Vampirefreaks constantly. I do miss that about the first era of social media -- it encouraged learning how webpages worked so you could get stupid creative with yours. (And, of course, people that used to make Geocities and Angelfire sites had a leg up on all of us late bloomers, lmao.)

Have you ever wanted to start a business? >> Not seriously.

[this-lioness]

Feeling a little overwhelmed.

The kitchen cabinet doors still need to be done.  This is taking a lot of time because they have to dry pretty thoroughly between each coat, and each one needs 3 coats + a light touch-up.  Then we still have to do the edges. This is not helped by the fact that Marc didn’t sand the primer coat before he started painting the first side (which was supposed to be the “front” of the doors), meaning that with each coat of paint on top all the goopy drips and imperfections became more and more obvious.  So now I’m going super slow on the other side so that it will be nice enough to be the display side.  I’m not mad I’m just disappointed.

We have a gala coming up in two weeks, and I still haven’t sat down to design / paint the mask I’m supposed to use, nor put together any of the little details. We are doing a 5k in a couple more weeks that we are only now starting to “train” for.  I’m less stressed about this than it sounds, but it’s still frustrating.

Both of my parents have birthdays coming up, and an anniversary.  And my stepfather really wants to get back out to the lake in time to see the colors in what he personally considers “prime time”, and I don’t know what the fuck he’s really looking for, because yesterday everything looked beautiful to me? And if I take him too soon he’s going to be disappointed, but if I take him too late he’s also going to be disappointed, and my mother is just 100% disappointed with everything 100% of the time.

Marc asked me about five times what I was planning on doing for my Halloween costume until I was finally like, “I’m just going to wear the “candy witch” costume I have up in the closet.  And I think he’s disappointed, because he loves Halloween (so do I!) but I just do not have the bandwidth to come up with and assemble a costume this year, just to stand around and hand out candy to kids, and also it’s going to rain on Halloween. I sense he’s disappointed that I’m not as “into it” as in previous years.

I am excited for the holidays, but can I just express how much I hate the huge pile of empty decor boxes that sits behind the couch for 3+ months until they’re all over?  I fucking hate living around the clutter of holiday decorations PLUS the clutter of the boxes that the decorations are stored in.

We also still haven’t done the photo for our Christmas card this year, and we need to get on that SOON.  Not only does the photo need to be staged, but we need to be sure we have our outfits, and then there is a LOT of digital editing that needs to be done afterwards.  Like a good couple hours, at least.

I also have 4+ design commissions that I haven’t even STARTED on!  And I’m running out of things to tell these people that aren’t, “I PHYSICALLY CANNOT.”

Oh hi, Thanksgiving is also coming up.  His Mom will be coming over the night before, and my mother is pretty much only able to eat liquids and gruel, and then afterwards we like to be “those people” and go out for Black Friday.  I NEED to have the kitchen done before all this.

Because the kitchen and dining room is complete fucking disarray I have not been able to clean the house!  And a messy house is a huge, huge stressor for me.  I was going to try to do laundry yesterday, but the guy was doing the furnace, and so clearly I couldn’t occupy the same space. I am thinking of skipping the gym tonight just so I can put a dent in the huge pile that is accumulating in the bedroom.

Marc has not paired socks in like three weeks?  Despite the fact that he knows this must be done regularly, like every time I do the laundry? But it just keeps piling up and piling up and piling up, and no matter how many times I’m like, “SOCKS????”, he’s just like, “Well, I didn’t know where you put them!” (1. They are in the same place they always are and even if they weren’t   2. You could ask) or the excuse is, “I didn’t know they needed to be done, you should have put them where I can see them? (1.  You are a grown ass man who wears socks EVERY SINGLE DAY AND WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR ALMOST FOURTEEN YEARS. YOU ARE FULLY AWARE THAT SOCKS MUST BE PAIRED AND THAT IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.   2. Last time I put the overflowing box of unpaired socks immediately onto your side of the bed, and you MOVED IT TO THE FLOOR AND BLISSFULLY CONTINUED LIVING A LIFE OF UNPAIRED SOCKS.)

We also have THREE events coming up: an author expo, a Christmas craft fair, and A SECOND Christmas craft fair.  The summer fair at the cemetery was SO GREAT because people bought a ton of stuff, but this means that I need to rebuild my inventory.  And “rebuilding my inventory” isn’t just hopping online and buying shit!  I need to design it, and craft it, and then finish it, and do I have enough materials on hand to do it all?

The garden still has not been put to bed for the year, and I don’t know when the hell we’re going to have the perfect combination of time and weather!

Also, I still have two fucking bags of clothes that I need to stage and photograph so I can post it online!

And I haven’t even S T A R T E D photographing my own jewelry to create an online store!  Nor do I have any idea when I’m going to have the time to do it!

Also, I would like to be able to draw and paint!

Also, I was supposed to write 10k words in September, and I didn’t fucking write ANY, because how??? Even if I can work up the momentum to finish this goddamned book, when the fuck am I supposed to do it?

And Rosie is getting fixed at the end of this month, and Bones needs to go back to the vet for bloodwork next month to make sure his kidneys aren’t failing and he hasn’t lost any more weight.

So yesterday, on the way home from the gym, when I’m like, “I cancelled the second Christmas fair, the one at the school. It’s just too much for me,” and he’s like, “It’s too much? Are you kidding?”

And I swear to God... I swear to God I would take a bullet for this man, I would literally murder people for this man, and he has my whole heart, but I may have never wanted to fucking strangle him so much as I did right then.

JESUS EFFING CHRIST DUDE.  Y’know, I would also like to spend twenty minutes twice a day sitting on the toilet and browsing my phone.  I would really also like to check myself out of all responsibilities every time there’s a football game on TV that I want to watch.  It would be really great to never have to fucking think about HOW EVERYTHING IN OUR LIFE OPERATES ON TIME AND WITHIN BUDGET AND HOW LITERALLY EVERYTHING GETS DONE, except I CAN’T DO THAT.  Last night when we were supposed to be “relaxing” in bed, I sat there sorting through mail so that everything would get paid / done on time, while you sat there scrolling away on your STUPID PHONE THAT I HATE SO MUCH.

He has a bare minimum of responsibilities:

1.  Take the garbage bins to the curb and back again.

2.  Feed the cats (I occasionally help with this)

3.  Do the afternoon litterbox scoop (this frequently gets “forgotten”)

4.  Load / unload the dishwasher, hand-wash anything that cannot go in the machine (this maybe gets done once a week, it frequently goes until the sink is so filled with shit that I cannot prepare meals)

5.  Take the trash out to the bins (this has been known to sit WAY LONGER than it should)

6.  Clean the bathrooms (There are 3 -- 2 full and 1 half. One of the full baths does not need to be regularly cleaned because it’s only there to hold litter boxes, we don’t actually use it.  That leaves 1 full bath and 1 half bath, the latter of which is STRICTLY HIS.)  The bathrooms are cleaned maybe once a month.

7.  Clean the floors (vacuum and mop).  This ONLY gets done when guests are coming over, or when I complain that the floors are disgusting and they REALLY need to get done.  Half the time he will vacuum (and not thoroughly), and then say, “I’m going to hold off on mopping until right before X gets here, that way they’ll be fresh and clean”, and then will conveniently forget to mop at all.

It’s not as if he’s not aware.  We have talked about this.  He FREQUENTLY AND WITH HEARTFELT SELF-DEPRECATION will confess that he is terrible about keeping up the house, and promise that he will get better, and it takes everything in my power to say, “No you won’t. Can I just stop pretending that I believe you when you say that, because you clearly do not actually mean it or, if you do, you have no intention of putting forth the physical and mental ambition to follow through.”

And you know what? I DON’T CARE!  I love my house and I love taking care of it.  I married him knowing these things about him, and he is such a good partner otherwise that I was willing to overlook it, and we laugh about it most of the time and it’s fine. It’s actually fine!  I’m not just saying that!

What gets me -- what borderline made me want to murder him -- was the incredulous, “Really? The second craft fair is too much?” last night, and I think the dark depths of my silence afterwards must have clued him into the fact that he had been a Dumbass Supreme, and he spent a good 20 minutes reminding me how awesome I am.

Yes. Yes, I know I’m fucking awesome.  Sometimes I just want you to be a little fucking awesome too. PLEASE.

[webalothebruja]

I went missing

October 1, 2021

I’ve been gone for a whole month. Nothing bad happened. I just got burnt out. I hate when that happens. I post everyday for a whole month, I have a schedule, I start growing and then the first starts. Which most of the time my fuse burns out because I don’t have any content prepared for the next month. For those who don’t know (which none of you know) it takes me a whole month to prepare for content. I film and takes pictures and look at my analytics and then I create a whole document about what i’m going to do and when i’m going to release things. I guess I just get so caught up in the month i’m releasing everything that I forget to make more content. 

I’m not one of those coked out influencers who gets a “rush” whenever I post, but I do get lost sometimes. Usually when I post, i’m on my phone the least. I live a little. I don’t tend to look at comments anymore. It’s not because of something negative. I just get too many comments nowadays. Once my comments pass 20 on tiktok, answering back feels like a lot of work. And I know what you’re thinking. Saying “thank you” for being called pretty for the 20th time is really a hassle? No. I try to come up different ways to reply to my fans. Whether its changing the emojis or the way I say ‘thank you.’ I want to give everyone a personal experience when it comes to thanking them. I want them to know that I looked at their comment. But at some point it just gets ridiculous.

My life has kind of changed in the last month. I feel like a mother. For reasons I cannot explain, I have taken on the “mother” role. Me and my boyfriend Tenoch are closer to my brothers than ever before. We’ve been driving them to their school activities and talking to them a lot. We try to have one “family” day a week whether its wandering around target or going to see halloween decorations. 

Just yesterday we took them to Spirit Halloween. Which speaking of Spirit, they’ve really stepped up their game when it comes to costumes. I was telling Tenoch I remember when they use to sell the shittiest costumes and they would all be like $60. When I was younger, my dad use to make all our halloween costumes. It was just cheaper that way. I have a vivid memory of walking out to the backyard and seeing my dad spray paint silver stars onto a robe (he was being a wizard that year.) 

Being closer to my brothers does have it advantages and disadvantages though. I hear a lot of heartbreaking shit. And being in the situation that we’re in right now, I’m kind of...sad?

Not in a depression way though. I guess my feelings fall more under disappointment. I fear that the future is going to end up a certain way and my brothers aren't going to have anyone other than me. Which I don’t mind, but apart of me feels like i’m being forced to be a mother at 19 to two teenagers and thats a little scary. 

I don’t want them to feel like me. Or at least how I use to feel. I was a sad worthless creature in high school. I craved affection so much that I was willing to get with anyone who found me even a little interesting. Obviously my brothers have their shit together wayyyyyy more then I did. I was too busy day-dreaming of a better life. 

I think thats why I get so disappointed and lost now. I have days where I look at myself in the mirror and go “wtf am I doing? Is this movie thing actually going to work?” It’s kind of fucked up because I don’t really have a backup plan. I don’t want to have kids and get married and one day wake up and be like “I could’ve pursued a film career if I wanted. I was just stupid.” Then again, film school hasn’t been too kind to me and I think thats the most disappointing thing. I really thought I was great and it feels like I make films for people who don’t exist. I’m the only one who enjoys the types of films I make. I don’t know if I just haven’t found my audience or if maybe i’m just a Tarantino. People either love him or hate him.

Unfortunately i’ve only found people who hate me.

This ‘lost’ feeling usually lasts until Tenoch comes home. It’s like he clears my eyes of all things bad. Things get so much better once Tenoch comes home. It’s so refreshing. Its crispy water and a breath of fresh air with a touch of the rush you get on drugs. 

I’m worried I live my life on survival mode until he gets home. I deal with so much that it becomes overwhelming sometimes. 

Another thing that pisses me off about film school is the hope so many people have. After watching the latest season of American Horror Story, I have come to the conclusion that not that many people have talent. And i’m not saying that to be an asshole. I have seen it first hand SO MANY TIMES. I don’t even waste my time going to one of my zoom classes because jesus. These fucking people get so many opportunities and awards and i’m like...I cant even get a job because I don’t have experience and I know I could make something 1000 TIMES better than the youtube skits they spit out. The fact that you can get an award for filming something on your phone is so BLAH to me. What happened to real stories? Real film development. Rules, ya know. I believe it. No one can just make a movie. Its a lot of work to make your stuff look good. But according to Los Angeles you don’t need any of that. 

A lot of the people at my school go into comedy as well and most of the time they’re not funny. I’m just at a point where I don’t think film school is my place. And thats perfectly fine. Plenty of directors haven’t gone to film school and have made it. Plus film is just one of those things where I don’t feel like I need the approval from the world. Especially not from some film snob who says Citizen Kane is their favorite movie.

Something to know about those kinds of people:

They’re always the people who think they know everything and they don’t. They’re the biggest fucking idiots on the entire planet. 

I don’t think film school should be a race and that feels like what it is. Everyone thinks they know more then the next person. I don’t need you to tell me my horror film should’ve been more “funny” because sometimes the mood is too “dark.” It’s a horror movie you IDIOTS.

I don’t think I know everything but it sure does seem like the people who know the least are the ones who get rewarded the most 

and thats some bullshit. 

Moral of the story. I just want to be appreciated. I want to know that what i’m doing is right and ok. I don’t care if it doesn’t necessarily work out, but I want someone to tell me i’m doing a good job and mean it. 

[buffalowingsfortwo]

11/14/19 11:57 pm

ash to faith

i missed my post for yesterday and considered making one for it tonight but then i wouldn’t be able to as easily explain why i didn’t remember that much and i’d have to come up with two sets of song lyrics. so we’re here now.

yesterday i got up at some time and ate some soup or something and then went to a church kid’s birthday party and it wasn’t that fun. i also took lots of pictures that you’ve seen with shelby. i went to bed late i think. my memory is bad but i know the day wasn’t thrilling.

today was much better. today i woke up around 1 pm, which is really good for me, and worked out for a couple hours. after that, i had to get ready to go to krista kelly’s halloween boutique, which was also a costume party. i was barely warned about that a few hours earlier, so i put on a red skirt and carried around a pitchfork. my cousin makenzie was a bag of jelly beans. people liked her costume a lot better.

at the boutique, i got a few rings that aren’t supposed to turn my fingers green, some lipstick that’s much darker than im used to, and a couple caramel apples. my mom and my aunt jamie got a lot of stuff. too much for me to keep track of. one of the best parts of it all was the pumpkin cookies that were being offered by two young kids dressed as robin and steve from stranger things. i had like six, the last four which were still half-frozen because i wouldn’t stop asking for more, and the last one which i had to tell krista’s youngest son to just shove in my mouth because my hands were full. i think that kid and the girl he was working with were probably 10 or 11. they made lots of jokes and i thought about how they seemed cool. then i thought about what a massive fucking loser i am to think something like that.

i really love going to things like this. they’re cheesy, and completely filled with middle-aged white christian moms, but being able to show up to these things makes me forget about more serious things in life. everyone just speaks in high-pitched valley girl accents, takes down wine like they’ll die without it, and calls everyone else they see “so cute.” ignoring all the background problems that exist, i think a lot about how nice and calm it would be to just be a mom in a big house with a husband who does everything and all i have to worry about is decorating for holidays and going out to brunch with my friends. that lifestyle is really expensive though. and also usually backed by sexism.

after the boutique, i went with my mom, aunt, and cousin to medrano’s for dinner. makenzie kept her costume on and everyone we passed lost their minds at it. the guy working the cashier didn’t stop laughing for like 20 minutes but i was okay with it because he was really pretty. at one point, we got up to go to the bathroom, and when we were about to leave, two older women came in and went through the cycle with makenzie’s costume. they were both visibly past drunk. one went into a stall, and the other jumped up and sat on the counter, next to all my rings, which i had taken off to wash my hands. she started talking about how they were so little and i must have such small hands and tried a couple of them on. on any other day i might’ve been weirded out, but everything in that moment was sweet and funny and right. she was really nice. i hope she has a great life.

i got home like an hour ago, and i might go to bed at a reasonable time tonight. it would be really exciting to get on a healthy schedule. im feeling a lot better than i have been today, and im trying not to say anything about astrology, because i know everyone hates it. but the moon is in aries, and mercury and venus are in libra. i feel driven and i feel love. i think it’s okay to blame the stars.

“if tomorrow is judgement day, and im standing on the front line, and the lord asks me what i did with my life, i will say i spent it with you”

- my love is your love by whitney houston