#did i communicate that to them though? nooo. was i fully right in that? also no. like just bc i felt unheard didn't fully mean

[indigodawns]

.

[sunqyu]

~ Treasure reaction to you getting jealous

Request: “  omg treasure reacting to their s/o getting jealous “ - Anon

Hope you enjoooy! - Nova

Hyunsuk

would probably get a little sad ngl

you’re his number one and showing you is his number one priority

so he would take you getting jealous kinda personally

did he not show you enough love?

best communicator though

you’d both explain your feelings and talk about it

after realizing that it wasn’t his fault but you’re just scared to lose him he’d assure you to the best of his abilities

holding both your hands and making you look at him

‘You’re my one and only. If you ever doubt that again please tell me right away so I can show you.’

Jihoon

thinks you’re so silly

‘Aww, does my baby need more attention?’

wouldn’t go into it much in the moment

but makes a mental note for the future

you could tell he did in fact take you seriously from little actions

giving you quick smiles across the room when he’s been in a conversation with someone else for a while

mentioning your name more to new people he meets

small things but still noticeable

Yoshi

immediately stops whatever he’s doing to focus on you fully

takes it super seriously

‘Ah- I didn’t know you felt that way. It wasn’t my intention.’

slight worry, upsetting you is the last thing he’d ever want to do

also doesn’t really know how to explain himself so instead he just holds you

‘I promise I won’t make you feel like that again.’

holding back tears as he hides his face in your neck

you could tell from how tight he held you that he meant every word

Junkyu

‘Nooo waaay.... really? Nooo..’

genuinely confused

might not know how to change it since he didn’t do anything wrong

and it’s not possible for him to just ignore other people

he would listen to you explain what made you feel jealous

just letting you talk and let out your emotions for a while

would ask you to help him and tell him openly whenever you feel jealous again because he has a hard time noticing

wants to learn how he can make you the happiest and is willing to put in the work

Mashiho

loads of affection

you think you’re not his favorite person anymore?

well he’ll show you until you get sick of it

spends more of his free time with you

‘Hey, have I told you I love you yet today?’ for the 14th time that day

talks about claiming you and how lucky he is that you’re his, even more than usual

suggests couple-hoodies to show the world

Jaehyuk

doesn’t understand how you could get jealous of cute old ladies calling him charming but oh well-

cheesiness x10

‘How could someone perfect be jealous of others?’

‘No one has my heart like you, though.’

cute noises in-between

‘The only one you should be jealous of is me because I get to look at your pretty face every day.’

buys you flowers to make you feel better

but gives them individually throughout the day

each with a note attached with one of the many reasons why he loves you

Asahi

thinks you’re joking at first

already spends 50% of his time with you, 30% by himself and 20% with the members

who’s there to be jealous of?

might think there’s another reason why you’re feeling like this

afraid someone hurt you or said something to make you insecure

you’d chill on the couch for a bit, talking about it

the conversation quickly changes from one topic to the other and hours later you forgot what you were even jealous about

Yedam

it’s something he’s been afraid of for a while

since he’s close with a lot of big artists who are constantly in the media and on your newsfeed

you comparing yourself to them was something he had been trying to prevent

‘Babe, you know that’s not reality right? You know my reality is us, just us, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.’

would try to include you more in his daily activities

giving you the chance to meet the people he works with to ease your mind

he had wanted to introduce you for the longest time and being able to boast about you was a nice bonus

Doyoung

doesn’t know what to do with himself

it’s something completely new to him and even though it didn’t make him happy, he couldn’t deny it was a slight ego boost

at times he’d doubt himself as a boyfriend

this shows how much you care and that you had those feelings of insecurity as well

it makes it easier for him to open up to you about things that he’s been dealing with

tells you about a time in the past where he felt jealous too

in the end it only helps you two grow closer

he’s happy he got to know you better 

and quick to figure out how to handle the situation in the future

‘I’m serious about us, I promise.’

Haruto

another one who doesn’t know what to do with himself (tbh I think all of the maknae line would have a hard time with this)

‘Uhhh... how can I make you feel better?’

quiet voice, looking at the floor

his mind would be racing but he can’t get it into words on the spot

would probably ask one of the older boys what to do

it’s so easy to tell when he remembers to reassure you

‘I really like spending time with you’ out of nowhere in a slight awkward manner

trying his best and gets more comfortable expressing how much you mean to him as time goes by

Jeongwoo

secretely likes it, ‘cause ego boost

but tries to hide his smile because he doesn’t want to upset you further

‘Yah- you should’ve told me earlier!’ even though you weren’t even jealous before

would cuddle you while he lets you explain

tries to focus on your words but can’t help thinking about how you must really like him then

like reaally reaally...

it makes him more comfortable with you in the future

more affectionate too, not to reassure you but more because he’s more confident in your relationship now

it feels more natural to him

Junghwan

stutters

‘b- but I like you, not her.’

doesn’t get why you’re jealous

how could someone so cute be jealous?

gets extremely careful in the future

photographer compliments him at their next shoot

‘I have a girlfriend!’

rest of the boys cry laughing in the background

doesn’t really care because he’s proud of himself for being a good boyfriend

[nose-bandaid]

Piano Man

Woozi (Jihoon) x (gender neutral) Reader | university AU

fluff | 3.9k words

synopsis: you’re a music major just trying to get through school, which meant dozing off during class, and cramming study sessions with the rest of your friends. the usual. until one night you come across a mysterious man playing a familiar song, and soon comes the harmony of the melody that is your life.

a/n: this is my first fic, i’m sorry if it’s not that good haha, enjoy:)

=====

As someone majoring in music, you were kinda an amateur at its theory, and yet somehow, you’ve managed to make it into a pretty university with good grades — bless the fact that you were actually pretty good at your instrument. As you sat in one of your least favourite lectures on music theory, you couldn’t help but let out a quiet cry in frustration as the professor continued to blab on and on about a subject that you just can’t wrap your head around, no matter how much you tried. A chuckle to your right snapped you out of your self-pity and you paused the hands that were in the middle of pulling your hair out. Soonyoung’s face popped into your view with that cheeky smile of his and you couldn’t help but softly return the smile at his presence. The two of you had been good friends since high school and luckily were able to move on to the same university as well. You’ve helped each other through thick and thin, whether it’d be in school or your social lives, but when it came to music theory, Soonyoung definitely carried, or rather, his friend did. To his right was Wonwoo, a friend that Soonyoung made when you arrived at university and the three of you have been hanging out in this class ever since, helping each other out with the homework and studying together. Wonwoo was actually the one who understood this theory the most and thankfully through Soonyoung, you were able to meet him too, and get through the class with his help.

“Don’t worry about it y/n, I don’t really understand what’s being taught either, but Wonwoo said he could teach us tonight after our lectures.” Soonyoung smiled and Wonwoo’s head peaked out from behind him to give an affirmative nod.

“As long as the two of you at least try to listen to the Professor, I’m sure I’ll be able to explain it in a, er, less boring way.”

You let out a silent chuckle at his jab at the professor’s monotone voice and then determinedly returned to your work.

=====

Later that evening, the three of you agreed to meet in one of the many practice rooms the school had to offer. As you got ready to leave your dorm your phone buzzed a few times.

[ group: music baddies ]

Hoshiii !!⭑: Professor Jeon which practice room are we meeting in ??

Hoshiii !!⭑: The fries that I bought are getting cold:(

Professor JeonBagOfLuck: Let’s meet in room 2A.

Professor JeonBagOfLuck: Also, Jun said he wanted to join because he’s bored, so you might want to buy some more fries.

Hoshiii !!⭑: Nooo>:(( who said I was sharing these fries they’re are all mine,, I was just saving them so that I could eat them in front of your faces >:))

JunJunJun: I’d like some paprika flakes for my fries please:^)

JunJunJun: Thanks Soonie ♡

You couldn’t help but laugh out loud at their antics and quickly rushed to the meeting place. Upon arriving you could already see Wonwoo setting up his workspace and Jun milling around the various instruments in the room, occasionally trying to play one that he found interesting. He was actually majoring in a totally different subject but loved to hang out with your group and flex his piano skills, so he often showed up during your meets to bother you guys entertain himself, and admittedly, bring out quite a few laughs from the rest of you as well. As childish as his antics may sometimes eem to be, he was joy to have around and definitely made these long study sessions much easier to get through.

Wonwoo glanced up at the sound of you closing the door, “Hey y/n,” he smiled, “Soonyoung went out to buy some more fries as per Jun’s request, but we can start anyways so that we don’t stay up too late.” You nodded in agreement and sat next to him and began your study session, taking notes as Wonwoo began to explain from the top. Soonyoung showed up a while later, and though the room did get noisier after his arrival, with the mix of him and Jun’s natural charisma, you guys managed to fully understand the lesson by around 11:00 pm, which just left you and your few pages of practice left to do.

As the others packed up their belongings and got ready to leave, you stayed in your seat and began to pull out those leftover bits of homework to complete. Soonyoung, taking notice of your actions, gave you a questioning look. “Y/n, you know that we don’t have to hand the practice in right? You can just do it later, it’s getting late…”

You sighed in agreement, but merely stretched your arms and picked up your pencil. “I know Soon, but I think I’m gonna try to finish it all tonight so that I don’t have to worry about it later. We all know Professor Monotone will just give us more work to do by the end of the week, plus, I think on a roll right now.”

“Alright then,” he replied as he slung his red backpack over his shoulder and began heading out behind the others. “Don’t stay up too late though, or else I’ll come over and pick you up personally.” He gave you a little evil look which quickly converted into his usual cheery smile before he disappeared. “Bye!~”

The door closed shut and you were left all alone in the silent room, minus the buzzing in the vents above. You hummed quietly to yourself as you diligently got back to work.

=====

You were only about halfway done when you hear a soft song being played on the piano down the halls. It was much more calming than the vents and it sounded vaguely familiar, stirring many memories in your mind. Glancing at your phone you checked to see the time,

12:16 am

[ group: music baddies ]

Professor JeonBagOfLuck: Has anyone seen Jun? He was supposed to walk to the dorms with me but he just disappeared and he’s not answering my texts.

Hoshiii !!⭑: Nope! He’s not with me, did he go to the bathroom or something?

Hoshiii !!⭑: Also, y/n, you better be finishing up soon or else both me and my tiger plushie are coming to get you>:))

You turned to the 2 pages of work that’s yet to be done and then back at the messages on your phone. You could just complete the rest of the work some other day and then get some sleep tonight… Rubbing your head sheepishly, you decided to might as well wrap up. The moment you turned away from the music notes that were glaring on the sheet, you realized just how tired you were getting.

Y/n: I haven’t seen Jun either… Maybe he got distracted by a cat again?

Y/n: And I’ll finish up for today Soon, please don’t come for me with your tiger plushie:P

Slipping your phone into your bag, you rushed to clean up your things when the soft piano resonated along the halls once more. This time, it was a bit louder. As you turned off the lights of the practice room behind you, you peeked down the halls out of curiosity. The piano was coming from the community room and a list of names who the player could’ve been ran through your mind.

That song… wait a minute, isn’t that the song Jun always plays?

Quickening your pace you made your way to the community room, once you’d arrived you were ready to scold Jun for disappearing again.

“Jun, what are you doing here? Weren’t you supposed to—”

That player was far too small to be Jun. The song was cut off as the mysterious person turned around, giving you a blank, almost disapproving, look. You stepped back a bit out of surprise. That is definitely not Jun, though he seems somewhat familiar? Have I seen him around before? You wondered to yourself.

“O-oh, I’m so sorry I thought you were someone else…” You managed as you shyly started to back off. The other person just stared at you for a moment until he opened his mouth a little, clearly thinking about something. You could almost see the gears turning in his head.

“Are you Y/n?” He asked cautiously, yet with confidence.

Your eyes widened in surprise at his question, you didn’t recall ever speaking to this man before. You took a close look at him to realize that he wasn’t just small, but he was tiny, though, admittedly you weren’t exactly the tallest person out there either. He wore a plain black t-shirt, shorts, a cap that slightly blocked his eyes and comfy slippers. What an odd choice of footwear.

“Ah, y-yeah, that’s me,” you managed to smile in the awkwardness. “I’m sorry but how do you know me?”

This time, he fully shifted his body around to face you. “You know Jun too then, right?” You nodded. “He talks about you a lot, can’t stop talking about how cute you are.”

“Oh, I see,” you blushed a little at the statement. Wow, Jun seems to be pretty popular amongst everyone. You noted to yourself. “That song, the song you were playing. Did you learn that from Jun?”

This time, it was he who was taken aback. “This song?” He pointed to himself “No, I composed it on my own, but Jun likes to copy what I play, so maybe that’s how it spread around. You weren’t the only person who thought that it was Jun’s song… I gotta start protecting my music from that guy.” He muttered to himself

“You composed it yourself? That’s… that’s really cool of you. It’s really beautiful, I could never compose something like that, let alone understand theory…” you trailed off and he took note of the empty worksheets you held in your hand.

“You need help with that?” He asked, nodding his head cooly towards your hands.

You shyly fumbled with your papers. “I mean, I was going to work on it some other day because it was getting late, but I was having trouble with one of the questions…”

The boy got up from the piano bench and sat at a nearby table, pulling out a chair beside him. “I’ll help you out with it then.” He paused. “If you’d like.”

Considering your options for a moment, you opted to take the opportunity to learn from someone so skillful — sleep could wait. “Yes, I would really appreciate that!” You thanked him as you sat down. “Er…”

He seemed to have caught onto your hesitation, “My name is Jihoon by the way.”

“I was just about to ask. Thank you, Jihoon.”

The two of you ended up working on the rest of the sheets that night and he explained the concepts you learned that day even further. If you had to compare, you’d probably say that he was even better than Wonwoo at explaining it. As you filled in all the blank spaces with notes and answers, you couldn’t help but glance at him every so often. He was honestly really cute and the way he spoke as he explained the concepts to you made your heart flutter a little. You wanted to hug him every time he put extra effort into making something easy to understand and relate to. He looked so passionate about what he was talking about and you couldn’t help but want to reciprocate that love for music back at him.

The short while you spent together went by faster than you realized. It was well past 1 am by the time you decided you should probably wrap things up for real, despite how much you would’ve loved to talk to Jihoon all night long.

“Thanks so much, Jihoon, like honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever understood something so well on the first day of learning it before.” He gave you a dimpled smile as he got up along with you and began heading towards the piano once again. “And I’m sorry for taking up your time like that, you must’ve had important things to do too…”

He shook his head in disagreement as he turned back to you. “No, I really had fun too, it’s nice to be able to explain the things I like to others, it also reaffirms what I know.”

You sucked in your breath a little at his response and decided to go with your gut feelings that were screaming at you to try and get to know him better. “If you don’t mind… do you think we could hang out again? I had lots of fun with you. It doesn’t have to be a meet up for my work or anything, but since you know Jun too, maybe we could do something together?”

“Hmm… Jun’s really out here making me be all social and stuff huh? But sure, I don’t mind that, I guess.” He said, pulling his phone out of his pocket to hand to you.

You traded phone numbers with him before finally heading back to your dorms, your feet and eyelids falling heavily with every step you took. It wasn’t often that you stayed up past midnight to actually do work, but this time, you were really happy that you were able to get a lot done in such a short amount of time and you couldn’t wait to rest fitfully in your soft bed. Your phone buzzed and you were reminded of the fact that you promised Soonyoung that you would return home more than an hour ago.

[ chat with horangshi ]

Hoshiii !!⭑: Are you back yet Y/n?

Hoshiii !!⭑: Helloooooooo~

Hoshiii !!⭑: Nyam tiger plushie’s gonna come for you if you don’t reply soon>:(

Hoshiii !!⭑: Y/n??

Hoshiii !!⭑: You said you would come back soon,, I know I’m probably getting too worried but please at least reply:(( I’ll leave the tiger at home

Hoshiii !!⭑: !!11!1!1!1 Earth to Y/n!!! Are you ok??

Hoshiii !!⭑: The Don isn’t letting me leave the dorms today for some reason so I can’t come to pick you up:( please at least reply

Hoshiii !!⭑: Y/n?

Your heart broke a little at the fact that you accidentally neglected Soonyoung’s worried texts. The two of you were very close so it wasn’t a surprise that he was getting concerned. You quickly shot him a text back apologizing for the lack of replies and promising that you were on your way back at the moment. To make him happier, you also sent him a selfie.

[ chat with horangshi ]

Hoshiii !!⭑: So glad you’re alive ! I thought you got abducted by aliens or something,, please don’t do that again ><

Hoshiii !!⭑: Just so you know, Jun has also arrived at the dorms, he’s not telling us where he went though,,,  so I’m currently figuring out how to take my fries back out from his stomach

Hoshiii !!⭑: He doesn’t deserve them>:(

Hoshiii !!⭑: also ur cute

[ group: music baddies]

Y/n: Do you guys know someone named Jihoon?

Y/n: At our university

JunJunJun: Omg !!! How did you meet the famous Lee Jihoon? Did you get an autograph?

Y/n: ...Aren’t you guys friends?

JunJunJun: Well, yes, but even I have his autograph:P It’s hanging on my wall rn

Professor JeonBagOfLuck: He’s the one who’s famous on the campus right? The one who composes a bunch of music? I think I heard some girls talking about him once too...

Hoshiii !!⭑: Oh hey!! I know him ! We worked on a project together before and he carried

Hoshiii !!⭑: We got a 96 yo

Y/n: Yeah

Y/n: And Jun— did you really lie to us and say that the song you play on the piano all the time was yours? Jihoon said he composed it

[ JunJunJun has left the chat ]

Professor JeonBagOfLuck: Wow Jun didn’t compose that? No wonder it sounded so good

[ JunJunJun was added into the chat ]

JunJunJun: NOOOO please forgive me I just wanted Jihoonie’s fame

JunJunJun: Also, if you know that fact, that must mean you talked to him then right?

JunJunJun: Y/n’s getting some game !! yes finally some action !!

Hoshiii !!⭑: Y/n’s making friends all by themself !

Hoshiii !!⭑: I feel like a proud dad

JunJunJun: We should invite him to hang out with us too, he’s may be famous but he’s still a loner

Y/n: Ok wait…

Y/n: Is it just me or is he like, really cute

Y/n: And maybe good looking

Y/n: But mainly really really cute

Hoshiii !!⭑: :O

JunJunJun: :OO

Professor JeonBagOfLuck: (o - o)

Professor JeonBagOfLuck: Wait I gotta make sure my glasses are on.

Professor JeonBagOfLuck: (O-O)

Y/n: ...No? I take back those statements

Hoshiii !!⭑: Jun… are you thinking what I’m thinking…

JunJunJun: Does our dear Y/n have… a crush !?!? O-O

Y/n: :( Please I just think he’s cute and he helped me with the homework that’s it I swear

Professor JeonBagOfLuck: a study date already (O-O)

Y/n: Wonwoo not you too:((((

JunJunJun: When they go on a date the moment they meet ♡♡♡♡

JunJunJun: Love is in the air tonight bois !

Hoshiii !!⭑: Jokes aside, we should totally invite him to hang out then

Hoshiii !!⭑: Maybe something will spark between you two:))

Y/n: You know what, goodnight

Y/n: I need to sleep over this

JunJunJun: Our little Y/n is in love ♡♡♡♡

JunJunJun: Is this what they call love at first sight?

=====

After your first encounter together, you couldn’t help but find yourself running into each other more often, whether it’d be when you were rushing down the halls to your next class or when you’d find him at the same piano after a long night of studying.

Then, one weekend rolled by and you stood in front of the mirror looking at the outfit you were wearing. The four of you, along with Jihoon, had planned to meet up at a park nearby to hang out and “do what cool kids do these days” as Soonyoung called it. Some other friends of Soonyoung and Jun were invited too, so you wanted to make yourself look at least a bit more presentable than usual, though really, your mind was set on dressing in a way that Jihoon might like. Almost as if Soonyoung knew what you were thinking, he appeared behind you in the mirror, bag on his shoulder, ready to go.

“Please, Y/n, you look great, and I’m sure Jihoon will think that too. I mean — look at you! You’re so cute he won’t be able to resist it I promise.”

You sighed in defeat. “I don’t know why I’m trying so hard, I just really want to get close to him.”

He patted your shoulder in reassurance, placing a cap on your head, completing your outfit. “It’ll work out great, and we’re all rooting for you. Just be confident! And if it doesn’t work out, once again, we’re all still here for you. Let’s go and have a good time.” He pinched your cheek with a grin and opened the door to let you leave.

By the time you arrived the others were already there, including Jihoon. You could recognize some of Jun’s friends, you’ve hung out before and took note of Seokmin, Seungkwan, Vernon, and Minghao who were all busy with a game of frisbee with the others. You and Soonyoung didn’t hesitate to join the game and were greeted with shouts and cheers. Your eyes locked with Jihoon’s and he gave you a small smile and nod.

Hours flew by and you quickly forgot about your previous worries about how the day would go. Your hair was messy from the rough playing, but you couldn’t care less at this point, you were still glad that you had a cap to at least cover some of the mess though. Eventually, you were utterly swamped from the activities while the others were still going quite strong at their game of volleyball. Walking over to the picnic table filled with snacks and drinks, you waved at Jihoon who seemed to have had the same idea as you. He was nestled on the blanket with a bottle of Coke, getting out his guitar when you joined him. You watched him quietly as he played a little tune on the instrument which you quickly recognized to be a popular song amongst the music majors. Unable to help yourself, you hummed along to his playing and he looked at you in surprise but continued the steady rhythm he was tapping. Once the song was over, he shyly complimented you with a high five and offered the guitar.

“Do you play?”

“I know a few songs, but I’m not the best.” You replied modestly, gently taking the instrument from him. Taking a moment to get used to the environment, you began to strum another popular song and this time, it was his turn to sing along. You harmonized with him and it felt like it was just the two of you sitting in the park. Just you, Jihoon, and his bottle of coke. The shouts of your friends became a distant distraction and you focused on the features of the man in front of you instead. You smiled at the way his lips curved with every vowel and how kept his eyes closed to concentrate on the song. His face looked so serene and you wished you could’ve stayed in this moment forever. When the song finished, your hands instinctively stopped but your eyes lingered on his face for a moment too long. He finally opened his eyes and when you realized he caught you staring, you hurriedly looked in any direction except towards him and blushed, handing the guitar back to him. Your hand grazed his as he grabbed it from you and you quickly retreated your hand back into your lap, rubbing it gently. Your heart was pounding and the butterflies had returned in the pit of your stomach. Now more than ever did it feel like it was just the two of you there, except this time, the world around you felt a little dizzy as you tried to slow your heart’s dance.

“Um…” Jihoon started, placing the guitar onto the blanket below you two. His hand slowly reached back to the one on your lap and he gently grasped it. Your skin tingled under his touch. “I know it hasn’t been long since we first met, but I was wondering if you would maybe like to… hang out a bit more? Like, just the two of us. You seem like a good person.”

Your mouth was left open as you stared back at him at a loss for words. At your reaction, he pulled his hand back and held them up in defense.

“Ah, I mean, you don’t have to if you don’t want to, of course, I totally under—”

You cut him off with your hands waving back at him. “No, no. Actually… I was going to ask you the same thing today,” you managed to giggle. “So I think it works out.” He returned your smile. “Well if that’s the case, then how about coffee tomorrow? I don’t have any plans then.”

“Tomorrow sounds great.” You replied, holding his hand just a little bit tighter as you both looked upon the rest of the loud group battling for the last setpoint. The excitement between the teams could be felt from where you sat, but you were content with just watching them from afar with Jihoon.

“Oh, and Y/n?”

“Mhmm?” You hummed.

“Your outfit is really cute today.”

=====

haha hi i’m back! i really enjoyed writing the chats so i hope you liked it:) maybe there will be a part two so that i can develop the actual woozi x reader a bit more, who knows.

i’m still trying to get used to tumblr so please bear with me i’ll stop talking now

~ tiny

[five-wow]

i watched 10.20! thoughts under the cut, as always.

steve running away from his memories in slow motion is how we start out and i should have expected that because i’ve seen this as a preview but still, oh gosh. (i also just have... so many things to say about all of the parental figures we’re shown steve is thinking of and all of their many, many failings, but that would turn into far too long a meta analysis of steve’s life to even start in on it now. (it makes me so mad though. urgh. you ruined a perfectly good human! look, it’s got, well, about a million issues, really. slow mo beach running means things are either romantic or very bad in fiction world, and i regret to say it’s not the former for steve.))

tani rolls over in bed and it’s empty but it’s empty because junior has been up making her a HUGE BREAKFAST. HE IS WEARING AN APRON. I AM IN FAVOR OF THIS.

i already know tani has some issues with self worth relationships and that they work it out at the end of the episode (i’ve seen the gifs of junior offering to be less sweet and tani telling him VERY RIGHTFULLY that he wouldn’t know how) so i’m not extremely worried, but ahhh, it’s still so sad to see junior put in all this adorable effort that tani fully deserves and tani just doesn’t know how to accept it. heartbreaking from both angles, nooo.

ALSO, tani says she usually just grabs a coffee on her way to work and junior says “yeah, and you’re usually late because of it” and i literally today wrote a paragraph for a fic where i claim that tani is usually first at the office these days (because danny forces steve and junior to sit down for breakfast with him), so way to debunk my writing, canon that i clearly should have just watched a week ago so i could have avoided this situation. :p

“i shouldn’t have asked you to stay over.” ack. no. junior’s face is breaking my heart now, too.

and then he STARTS CLEANING UP. jfc, boy, we already know you’re a saint, you don’t have to keep proving it when you’re looking like a kicked puppy.

ahhh i just realized that if danny is not in this episode because he’s... idk, visiting family again? and junior is staying over at tani’s place, then steve is home alone. that’s bad timing, guys.

ah, RIGHT. he’s not home alone, because gerard hirsch broke in and started drinking his coffee. i’m having flashbacks to sang min, ha.

fdjkfdjkfd okay, this is a good scene, though. eddie! steve’s faces! steve LEAVING THE THE DOORS UNLOCKED becuase he doesn’t like running with his keys! also what, he came in through the back door and he apparently leaves the front door open too, like... just in case? STEVE NO.

aha, danny’s on spring break with the kids! okay, danny, you know what, you forgot someone. home alone: fully grown navy seal edition.

hirsch: “so, i’m guessing reyrei is now official.” fjdkfd i never quite know how to feel when shows include shipnames in their canon because it’s usually very weird, but i appreciate the effort, i think!

i’ve genuinely enjoyed hirsch’s reappearance so far, but as soon as he took tani to meet his uncle (who is now a suspect in a murder cold case) i knew there was going to be an uncomfortable comment about tani being pretty and yes, yes, there was. i mean. i guess i got to enjoy being right?

hirsch: “i know from personal experience she does not respond to talk like that.” okay!!! you know what, i can actually work with that. hirsch is learning, developing, maybe ditching his grosser habits. as long as they’re not going back on that in this same episode, that’s good!

very convenient to have the guy you’re questioning already hooked up to a machine that tattles on his heartrate, haha.

tani: “he made me breakfast.” hirsch: “that monster!” i am. i am actually starting to like hirsch in this episode and it is very strange but very nice.

fjdkfdjk junior says that he knows for a fact that danny got everybody “one of those” (an alexa) for christmas, and i LOVE THAT because it’s wonderful continuity with 10.16, when steve calls on alexa to prove he’s going on a date and they make a whole point of mentioning that danny bought him the thing. also, though, danny, bud - i don’t know how great it is to give all of your friends the temptation to let amazon spy on their lives even more than it already does. maybe go for socks next year.

junior unloads on lou and then they have a tiny dance party in the car and that’s so unexpectedly cute, omg.

very random, but i just really appreciate duke. he’s been there from the very beginning and he’s still giving the team these valuable little bits of needed exposition on the regular. he’s very loyal and drama free and it’s always nice to see his face. shout out to duke.

the old roommate of hirsch’s uncle tells a story that sounds very accidentally incriminating for hirsch’s uncle, which probably means the roommate is the actual murderer. i’m calling it now.

the roommate actually SAYS the uncle was the murderer! ooooh. he’s definitely guilty now.

tani agrees with me!!! only she has some actual evidence to back this claim up apart from knowing how crime show plots work, because she is a Good Detective.

steve talks the grieving widow who was part of a diamond thieving couple down from the brink of killing her husband’s killer by telling her he knows what it’s like to lose “the most important person in your life” and it’s very obvious the writers are making a point here but it’s also very good!

though i did keep getting a little distracted by how perfect this woman’s hair was after running through the woods, lying on the floor half dead, spending most of the day in hospital and then going on a violent quest for revenge. damn. diamonds buy amazing hair products and a personal styling team on call for when you’re in the middle of a crime spree/emergency, i guess.

some eddie/hirsch hints here that i’m going to ignore because oh dear god no.

i??? from the gifs i saw i assumed that the episode would end with some kind of party in the mcgarrett backyard, but that’s not what is currently happening as such, so those string lights are just... always there? oh my gosh. i have no idea if we’ve seen them before and i’m only just now paying attention to it, but more importantly, i don’t know if i want steve to have put those up himself, or danny to have bought them and forced them on steve’s garden like he forced alexa on steve, except with less moral issues connected to a tech giant harvesting your personal data.

tani opens up and she’s crying and junior tells her he’s not going anywhere (duh) and I’M crying!

junior, mid-hug: “i could totally start being meaner, if that’s what you want.” I STILL LOVE THAT. that’s so stupid and so sweet and so stupidly sweet.

oh boyyy, while everyone is having their social moments somewhere in the house, steve is hiding out in his garage and listening to his father telling him not to be a cop on tape. AWESOME. I’M SURE THAT’S FUN AND OKAY AND NOT SETTING UP ANYTHING. this is also why this steve needs a danny in his life, because it’s definitely high time for some agressively caring emotional support to be forced upon this man.

annnnd he gets a call from a british guy who wants to hand deliver him a package from doris.

steve just. hangs up on the guy. omg. perfect. please keep doing that and maybe just, wait for danny and the kids to come home and hug them and take like, a little mental health break? instead of, you know, breaking your mental health, over stuff your mother did, again? gosh.

i will admit i really enjoyed hirsch in this episode! i did not see that coming (and it probably won’t make me like him more in previous episodes) but it was a delightful surprise. and TANI AND JUNIOR, ahhh, i am proud of them and their communication and i love them and junior is the best and tani is perfect. did i mention that i love them? i do. i love them.

(re: the steve angst, i refuse to get myself more worked up about that than i low key already am constantly, so i’m electing to mostly ignore it for now. i’ll see what happens next friday. whatever it is, it’s going to happen whether i want it to or not, so best to make it as painless for myself as possible.)

[lovemesomesurveys]

Well hello, good to see you again. How many surveys have you taken today? This is my first one today.

So the world is dying to know the longest you’ve ever been on an airplane. 5 hours.

Speaking of airplanes, can you sleep on them easily or no? I’ve only flown a total of 4 times now and I didn’t sleep any of those times. 

How long did you last drive in the car for? The last time I went anywhere was a doctor appointment last Thursday, which is only like a 5 minute drive away.

Name me your three favorite flowers, s'il vous plait. I don’t really have one. I always just say roses for whatever reason. I mean, flowers are pretty in general, I just don’t have a favorite.

So if I were to touch the place you last itched, would it be awkward? It was my forehead. 

Have you ever given food at a homeless shelter? Yes. I’ve volunteered a few times.

Has anyone a grade above you ever had a crush on you? Not to my knowledge.

Can you fly? Be honest. Yep.

Have you ever come close to drowning? No.

What books did you have to read for school for summer reading this year? I’m done with school.

What were you doing right now 24 hours ago? I was coloring.

Have you ever tried counting sheep to get to sleep? Does it work? I did when I was a kid. I don’t think it worked.

What did you give up last year for Lent? I don’t do lent, I’m not Catholic. 

Is the window in this room currently open or closed? Closed.

What is the weirdest thing you have ever licked? Uhh, nothing weird.

Can you control your dreams if you realize you are dreaming? No.

Is your phone fully charged right now? Nope, it’s at 72%.

If you gave yourself a symbol (ex: star) to represent you, it would be…? *shrug*

Combine your two favorite animals. What kind of animal do you get? A doaffe or Girog haha.

Today at school it was boys make girls sandwiches day. What kind of sandwich should I tell the boys to make you? Cracked pepper turkey, salami, thin sharp cheddar cheese, and mayo with a pickle on the side and olive oil for dipping. 

So…remember Girl Scout cookies? Any favorites you had/have? Of course. I was a Girl Scout for one, but also they’re still very much a thing. Thin Mints are a classic fave, but a newer fave is the Lemonades that they came out with a few years ago. I don’t think they make them anymore, though. :/ Honestly, they’re all good minus the Samoas (I don’t like coconut).

What is the name of the main character in your favorite book? I don’t have one particular favorite book, but several.

How about your favorite movie? I have a lot of those, too.

If I gave you a box of chocolates, which would you hope to get? I don’t like boxes of chocolate. There’s only a few that I’d actually eat cause I don’t like dark chocolate or any with filling. What’s really good are milk bordeaux from See’s Candy. I’ll just take a box of those.

I’ll give you a box of chocolates but I’ll eat the coconut filled ones, ok? You can have ‘em.

What does your middle name rhyme with? I’m not sharing that.

Have you ever caught your clothes on fire before? No.

Describe the weirdest car you’ve ever seen. Not the weirdest, but I don’t understand why people drive those little box shaped cars. They’re so small and don’t look safe at all. Which key on the keyboard do you think you use the least? The top row on a MacBook Air keyboard.

How many times have you seen your favorite band in concert? I saw one of them a couple times.

How many concerts have you seen in general? Six.

Are you any good at improv? Nooo. That takes skill and creativity and wit. None of which I have. I actually took an improv class as an elective in community college (not sure what possessed me to do that) and I was awful. I can memorize a script, but it’s really hard coming up with stuff on the spot.

Turn your eyes away from the screen. What is the first thing you see? My phone.

When you pass a stranger in the hall, do you smile or no? If we make eye contact I will.

Do you have any special handshakes with friends? No.

Are you better at writing fiction or nonfiction? I haven’t written anything in yearsss.

Did you ever have to use Wordly Wise in school? It doesn’t sound familiar.

Can you keep a secret? Yes.

[nikatyler]

Today has been frustrating. That’s all I’m going to say. Well, it started off nicely, I did something I was proud of. Then it went kinda downhill. I’m probably going to make it even worse as soon as I post this...there’s this thing I’ve been thinking about for the past few days. Considering I’m soooo good at communication and expressing my feelings, it’s going to end up great, you can bet.

Sarcasm aside, let’s talk about my legacies: 

I just queued the rest of part one of Gen 6! It’ll run for like 40 more days though.

After that, I’ll finally post the first generation of my BPR, almost a year after starting it. I know what you’re thinking, I’ve been posting TS3 for months, I should switch back to TS4 now, it would be fair, and yes, I thought about that too. But I kinda really want to get rid of the BPR. Gen 1 is finished and I don’t want to keep it to myself anymore.

As for gen 3 of NSB, I haven’t been playing it too much recently. I’ll play it a lot in June though, I hope. As soon as the exam chaos is over.

I’ve also made some decisions about Roses, but I’ll talk about these later. There’s still a high chance I’ll change my mind.

Besides, when do I not make decisions about Roses? They’re on my mind way too often. It can’t be healthy.

Update: I’m still not done with my replies but I just got a message from my teacher, saying that I did well on the English writing exam! I don’t know the exact grade but yay me. I mean, I knew I was going to do well on this one, but finally seeing I passed feels much nicer than “oh yeah, I’m confident about my English, there’s no way I can fail”. The way this exam system works...I was worried it wouldn’t scan properly or some crap. In the past, people had problems with that.

Update 2: Still writing the replies but I just found out that apparently I got 100% on the exam. Holyyyyy crap.

tiny-tany-thaanos replied to your photoset “Courtney: I really married this idiot. I’m stuck with him forever. Oh...”

Don't worry it could be worse. It could be Ross for example (sorry, not sorry��)

Ooooooh. Yeah I mean, what Felix does is kinda natural, what Ross does (or used to do)...is just wrong.

sparkiemonkey replied to your photo “I have three weeks to learn everything for my last exams. Am I dying...”

Good luck with your exams. You can do it.

Thank youu! I hope so. I feel like I still remember nothing from the notes, but at the same time, when I read some of them, I’m like “duh, I’ve heard this a million times, of course I know what it is!”

desira-sims replied to your photo “I have three weeks to learn everything for my last exams. Am I dying...”

If it makes you feel better, I’m constantly rethinking how I should have posted my story too. I think it’s why I’m enjoying doing these mini photo shoots for Gen 2. It’s glimpses into their life that I didn’t fully express in my story.

I feel like everyone does this, they get great ideas when it’s too late to change it. Some people are just better at moving on, I guess. Not that I want to move on from gen 4, nope.

justkeeponsimming replied to your photoset “Let’s see what we have down here…”

The lighting in this shot is gorgeous!

It is! Isla Paradiso underwater is amazing. I wish there were more diving spots though.

deathflowertea replied to your photoset “It’s getting dark so fast. This should be a quick dive, or else…well,...”

this is how midnight sun challenges start...

Imagine if I did that. I love this idea.

dreamsongsims replied to your photoset “Houston we have a problem I forgot Isla Paradiso is a glitchy mess”

Yes. Yes it is. All that work to get to a dive spot and BOOM! Right back to shore.

It’s frustrating that it’ll most likely never get fixed :/

astraeanevermore replied to your photo “10 Day Self Sim CAS Challenge: You At Another Age Kind of based on an...”

I also got an ugly haircut with ugly blonde streaks when I was 15 :’D guess that’s a 15 years old thing? XD Anyway, love the pic! *O*

It might be?? And it wasn’t even a good blonde. In many photos, it just looks yellow, sometimes even a little green. But hey, I learned from my mistakes, now I’m never going blonde :D

And thank youu! ♥

justkeeponsimming replied to your photoset “I love this…wait, it seriously take me a whole day to get here?!”...”

most adorable screenshots ever! her expression is so cute!

She makes the best faces, I love her ♥

alfalfalegacy replied to your photoset “I was going to make a comment about her work outfit, saying the...”

The alien powers from Miracle are resurfacing lol

I mean, DNA is weird, sooo... 👀

alfalfalegacy replied to your photoset “Me during the first part of Game of Thrones Season 8 Episode 4 vs me...”

Haha a BIG mood

Biggest mood

I thought episode 4 fucked me up...but then episode 5 came and...let’s just say ep 4 was alright compared to this.

twistedsim replied to your post “Well that was an amazing surprise! ������”

Shit! I just now saw the score. XD Damn, you whooped Sweden's ass!

Usually it’s the other way around :D Yeah, it was great to watch. I was expecting to be disappointed but not surprised, but actually...if I’m not mistaken, that’s our best score with Sweden ever. And then with Norway, we did great too...too bad we lost with Russia today. There were so many chances and not a single goal...but oh well, it’s just one game. It doesn’t mean anything. I hope.

flowerhoneysims replied to your photoset “I was just kidding I don’t actually want her to die jkahdkfahdflg”

My diver died because of a shark ;-;

Oh nooo ;-;

create-a-sim replied to your photoset “Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck was that a shark?? A SHARK??? I’m gonna die I’m...”

Ohhh :(

This was actually a funny moment. I thought “Awesome, her mother died in a fire, she’s going to be eaten by shark and who’s there to save their ass with a ‘quit without saving’ button? Me again! Maybe they’re telling me I should stop playing this legacy.”

But then she wasn’t actually killed by a shark. Phew.

desira-sims replied to your photo “10 Day Self Sim CAS Challenge: Date Night Bold of you to assume I’ve...”

I love this dress. ��

Me too! And I never use it for some reason. I wish I had something like this irl.

desira-sims replied to your post “So…I took a break from studying to watch the latest episode of Game of...”

I haven't watched this season yet. �� I keep saying I'm gonna sit down and binge it, but haven't done it. Maybe I'll do that Wednesday.

Oooh, I’m not sure if I would be able to binge watch it. Every episode left me feeling overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions, doesn’t matter if they were negative or positive. Actually, I don’t think this season is as bad as so many people online say...it’s not perfect but nothing is. 🤷‍♀️

Then again, speaking of binge watching, I was able to watch the previous seven seasons in less than a month last year, so maybe it is possible.

plumbobhart replied to your post “So…I took a break from studying to watch the latest episode of Game of...”

I hated it sooo... yay? D:

I’m not sure how I felt about it. Like I’ve said already in this post, today has been frustrating and this episode contributed to that. There were some things that bothered me, some decisions that bothered me, oh and there was a great example of character development going to hell (that really disappointed me tbh), but overall...idk, I guess I still kinda enjoyed it - I mean, as much as one can enjoy this tv show. It was brutal.

I’m not going to talk about it all in depth though, I could spend whole evening with that and I don’t want that haha :D

[ibroughtthisonmyselfpixels]

Scott’s Interview

1) Personal information! Age, gender identity, species, place of usual residence, etc.

“Right, so… I’m Scott, Scott Barley, 33, cis-male, 100% human (as far as I’m aware) and I recently moved back to Oasis Springs. I went to a small college just outside of Asheville (which you likely haven’t heard of, it’s ok not many people have) which is a town in Simsouri where I helped my Uncle Mark with his logging business while attending school part-time.”

2) What are the specifics of your disability / disabilities? 

“Due to an incident in my childhood I contracted an infection that resulted in a high fever which I was lucky enough to live through despite losing most of my hearing, something my mother had to practically beat into my head, I was quite angry with my parents for the first seven months or so as I blamed them and their lack of insurance for my hearing loss. 

“After one too many bullying occurrences by my former friends my parents pulled me out of school and started homeschooling me . It took a few months but I started teaching myself sign language from the books my parents had managed to find at thrift stores and yard sales, I remember thinking I was being soo secretive and no one had a clue I had even glanced at the books. Looking back now I’m sure my mom knew, especially since library books on sign language seemed to magically appear when I was almost done with the books we had.

Is there anything we need to do in order to accommodate you and your needs fully?

“I would like some basic things, my hearing aid helps me hear lower frequencies and I’m able to read lips with a 75-92% accuracy (I’ve only had a hearing aid since I was 25, before that I had to rely on my own wit) but higher frequencies like most alarms are tough. I don’t want another fire incident (Dub note: This will be explained in Question 4) and since I take my hearing aid off to go to sleep I’d like to politely request an alarm that will shake my bed if there is a fire. Also if I’m ever going to do any cooking a timer with a light or one that vibrates instead of rings that I could carry in my pocket would be great too! Thanks.”

3) How would you describe yourself? How would your friends describe you?

“I would describe myself as a bit of a historian with a proclivity for scary things, every time my siblings had a sleepover they’d request a new scary story so I have plenty of practice telling those. 

“As for my friends, well I don’t have many I write to a few people that I’ve met over the years, Barry Zotter from college, Alice Grant from a project I had to do in middle school. I have to say Alice is my best friend, Barry is cool but they can never be serious, so I go to them for jokes and Alice for everything else, Alice does jokes too (mostly puns though) Ice came up with my favorite way to explain my hearing to people ‘I’m Scott and I can Barley hear.’ 

“Ice is great! I asked how Ice would describe me just for this and was told I didn’t need my head to swell anymore than it already has, which I think is a bit harsh but whatever, it’s Ice. My sister-in-law is always complaining I rarely have anything but a monotone voice which is ‘hard for her to hear’ hah! Luckily Greg and his wife live a few hours away and don’t visit often, don’t get me wrong I love my little brother I just don’t like his wife.”

4) Random bit of trivia about yourself, or your hobbies, or your romantic past

“Ice and I tried long distance dating for a bit, it didn’t work out. It felt all gross and icky, too much like dating a relative. Ice has known since the very beginning that I was planning to enter this BC, as opposed to my immediate family that as of this interview still don’t know. 

“I like tinkering with stuff, it first started when I was 10 and a fire started at home, I wasn’t able to hear the alarm go off my dad had to carry me out of the house. So we worked together to make the alarms louder, as well as to have a hush button so fake alarms set off while boiling water could be quieted. After that tinkering became something of a way to bond for my dad and I, we built bikes from scratch for my little siblings, he even taught me how to weld. Sadly my dad died a few years ago, a car was speeding and ran a stop sign as he was crossing the street. I’m not silly enough as to blame the car though, it was the driver that should be held responsible, after all old cars (cars in general really) are really neat, but I like old cars the best I own a Model A that I restored myself!”

5) Why did you enter this BC?* Are you nervous? What do you hope to attain?

“It was only happenstance I stumbled upon this BC at all! I was doing some research to see if I could find any reviews on a new hearing aid I was considering when I got distracted by the off topic threads in the forum I was on, people were talking about previous BCs and their tendency to turn into bloodbaths, the most recent reply had been someone asking what everyone thought about the recently announced Kessler Maurer Double BC. Even though I don’t watch BCs it tends to be hard to avoid all mention of them when the media is running every single death over and over, I was a bit intrigued by the idea of a BC specifically for people like me that had trouble dating due to how ‘normal’ people view us so I did a bit of research and like I said before Lyra caught my eye so now I’m here. 

“As for my Hopes and Dreams ‘™’ for my experience in this BC, I hope to win someone’s heart and while I would be appreciative if that heart was Lyra’s I certainly wouldn’t mind if it was another contestant’s either. If I have to walk away without a love I hope for at least a few new friends.”

6) What are your thoughts on Lyra herself? What made you decide to try to win her hand instead of Lorelei’s?

“My reason for choosing Lyra over Lorelei are Lyra caught my eye, Lorelei didn’t. But beyond that I feel as if I could click the best with Lyra, if  people don’t click it’s very hard for there to be any kind of relationship that isn’t argumentative or cold at best. (There may have been a few coin tosses involved to decide whether or not I would enter at all but I can neither confirm nor deny any such notions)”

7) Are you aware, going in, of the negative press Lyra had gained during her time in the Angelo MMBC? She won’t bring it up if you don’t, but she wanted to be reassured that no one would judge her for it if they knew.

“Nooo, that all happened while I was staying with my uncle I think, I didn’t have much of a chance to pay attention to any news back then. But I don’t want to make any false assumptions so now that I know there is *sneers* press I won’t go looking for more information.”

8) Do you believe that people can change?

“I believe people can adapt, but change I’m not really sure about, I suppose it’s possible but I wouldn’t feel comfortable getting into a debate about it if that’s what you’re wondering.”

9) If you could go anywhere in SimNation for a week, no financial worries or strings attached, where would you go?

“I would love to spend a week someplace haunted, not by modern ghosts, that would be boring but a place haunted by ghost that have experienced days long gone! Century old ghosts would be amazing! Provided I’d be able to communicate in some way, be that actually talking, lipreading, or one of those fancy ghost voice things like you see on those ghost adventure shows I don’t care!”

10) What would you do if someone you loved was scared - like, really seriously scared? 

“My first instinct would be to hug them, I wouldn’t say much of anything to them because I’ve noticed people tend to make promises when people are scared, promises that they really aren’t sure of. I just can’t make a promise I can’t stand behind, if I promised I would protect someone I would be honor bound to protect them, even if it meant my death.”

[thecrookedgavel]

The Black Box Readings - Ep 4 Transcript

Here’s the transcript for episode 4 of The Black Box Readings, the podcast where I read to you the backup of queer blogs that have gone down.

See Other Episodes

An: Hey, all! And welcome back to The Black Box Readings, the podcast where I read to you the backup of queer blogs that have gone down! I’m your host, An Capuano. At this point, episodes one, two, and three are up, I’m super happy with some of the responses I got. People said a lot of encouraging things to me about my own stories I told. It’s really gratifying to bare your soul and have people respond positively. It’s strange that I wasn’t even planning on telling such stories when I recorded episode one, but I’m glad I decided to be real with you all. Obviously, I got some negative responses too, but in cases like these, they’re best ignored. 

So let’s get on to the episode! Today’s episode continues with the vibe of the previous one. Lots of positive energy to go around. Last time, Emmy starting dating Selena, came out as trans, and started loving herself. It was great to see her perspective on such positive things, but there is a clear difference this time around. Emmy has started conversing with Selena through reblogs on her Tumblr. So we get to see how they interact as a couple, and the things that they do together.

We’ll start off with a rather affectionate series of posts that contains a bit of cool news. I’ll try and do a distinct enough voice for when Selena is talking, but just in case it’s not enough, I’m going to say when the switch happens outloud.

Starting off with Emmy,

“Here’s my newest piece of art that I made! And it’s a very special picture, too! Can you guess why?” There was likely a photo that started off this thread, but again, I didn’t save any of Emmy’s art. Selena responds with,

“Omg bae, this can’t be what I think it is? Could it be the one you were telling me so much about?”

Emmy Continues,

“Yeah, it is! It’s my first commission! Someone wanted me to draw their OC in my style, and so they gave me a 20 dollar Steam code in exchange! I feel almost legitimate now!”

Then Selena writes,

“Emmy, don’t be silly. You’ve always been a legitimate artist. From the time you started drawing until today, you’ve always been legitimate. Your art is wonderful, and I can’t wait to see your next work!

Emmy responds with,

“Aww, you’re the sweetest! Maybe I’ll dedicate my next piece to you.”

And it continues a bit, but that gives us a good idea of their chemistry together. Now, I don’t remember these posts from the time they were first written, so I only really saw the picture once. I don’t remember it well, but I think it was a full-body shot of a punk character in Emmy’s sort of feminine style. I sort of regret not saving the pictures, but then again, how would I show them to you? 

But I want to point out how natural and sweet these two are together. They’re good for one another, and it really shows in this post. I’m also noticing that Emmy’s imposter syndrome is toned down at this point in time. I think that’s mostly due to Selena’s influence, because it can still crop up even when you’re getting paid. Though we should take a minute to celebrate Emmy getting paid, because getting commissioned is a big deal! Normally discussing prices associated with your art turns people off it completely. So I’m really glad she made some progress.

Next up we have another post with both of them talking, and the topic is rather serious. This time, they’re advocating for trans rights. They’re both against Bathroom Bills being passed. For those of you who don’t know, every once in a while, America tries to legislate where trans folk are allowed to use the bathroom. In Emmy’s state, they want to force people to use the bathroom labelled by their “birth sex”. I’ll let Emmy and Selena explain further. Emmy starts us off,

“I know I’m a little late to the party, but fuck this bathroom bill bullshit! I can’t believe the government wants to decide where we can pee yet again! I don’t go out much, but when I do, I obviously have to use the boy’s bathroom because I’m still in the closet to my dad. But when I do, it just feels awful. It’s another reminder that I don’t look like how I feel on the inside. It may sound dumb, but I honestly feel defeated every time I get misgendered by that dumb sign. I hate it, and I know other trans girls like me feel the same way. To make it illegal for us to use the girl’s bathroom even if we pass is straight bullshit! Fight for trans rights and oppose this stupid bill!”

Selena reblogs this, writing,

“I agree entirely. And I feel the same way when I’m forced to use the men’s room. Like, I am not a man??? So I don’t think that works for me. People say that without this bill, trans women will attack cis women in washrooms. However, that’s just a fear tactic that relies on the idea of trans women being predatory. Which is not the case!!! Say no to this bill! Trans rights are human rights!”

You tell them, girls! Trans rights are indeed human rights. And humans have the right to use the bathroom without fear of being arrested or beat up. Because that’s the choice a lot of us face when we don’t fully pass. Like, sometimes I go out in dresses or flannels with the buttons on the other side, and if I have to use a public restroom, *sigh* I face a difficult choice. Do I go to the men’s room and risk getting beat up for dressing a certain way? Or do I go to the lady’s room and risk getting kicked out of the building? Honestly, it’s not so bad for me, because it’s illegal to be beat up or kicked out due to one’s gender expression in Canada, but just because it’s illegal, doesn’t mean someone won’t try it. In America, under these types of bathroom bills, people who are mid-transition or non-binary would have to make very difficult choices if they needed to use a bathroom in public. Even folks who fully pass would have to risk getting arrested in order to use the washroom they would appear to belong in. *Sigh* Trying to hold it in may be safer sometimes, and that’s honestly messed up.

These two posts I did see when they initially posted them. I was very proud of them for advocating for trans rights. Though honestly, when you’re trans it’s kind of hard not to advocate for yourself. It’s a position without the privilege to turn a blind eye to injustices, you see. You can’t help but see how badly people like you are treated, so many of us speak up and try and be heard. We often fail. 

Sorry, I don’t mean to be a downer. *Sigh* These topics just get to me sometimes, and I think it’s important to share what I’m feeling about this, especially in case you don’t have a trans person in your life at the moment. 

Ok! So our next few posts are about a less serious topic, but one that Emmy and Selena are both very passionate about: Overwatch. I should explain that in competitive video games, developers will change the power levels of their characters in order to make the game more to their liking. Or, as it usually goes, to try and make it so that the community likes it more. The two of them are talking about one of those changes. Emmy starts us off with a post titled,

“Not My Girl!

Nooo, I can’t believe they’re nerfing Mercy! Blizzard just announced that they’re changing it so that mercy can no longer do a 5-man rez. In fact, she can only rez one hero at a time now. Why? What was the problem with how it was before? Now her ultimate is flying around, which she could already do in a pharmercy! If she’s really, really different I probably won’t even play anymore…”

Then we get a reblog from Selena,

“Noooo, bae! If you stop playing, who will I play with? You can’t seriously want to quit playing! Maybe new Mercy will be really good, we don’t know yet. Let’s at least wait until the patch comes and see what everyone else thinks.”

And we get a final response from Emmy,

“You’re right, I wouldn’t want to stop playing with you over this. That would be weird to not play Overwatch together anymore. I just hope that Blizzard knows what they’re doing this time. I mean, I may have to pick a new main, but I swear I’ll still play with you!”

It can be common for changes to Overwatch to be met with a lot of resistance. A lot of the time, when something you love about the game changes drastically, it can make sense to want to play something else. It is a little ironic that Emmy is worried about Mercy in this particular change, as it actually boosted her power level to the highest it ever was. So much so, there was like a year following it of nerfs to bring Mercy’s power down. I wonder what the two of them would think about the newest changes to the game? 

Although, I didn’t save any of her art, I do remember her personal art being a lot more light hearted at this point. There’s the obvious couple-y pictures but then there’s the more abstract stuff. Let’s just say that the imagery with chains and the like were gone from her work. That is, until after this post I’m about to read. *Sigh* I feel the need to warn you all first that it really changes the tone of the episode. If you’re not up for it, put this episode aside until you are. The post is titled,

“My Dad Read My Discord Messages

Sorry I haven’t been posting the past couple of days, some awful shit has happened to me. So I was a complete idiot and left Discord open on my phone. My Dad was suspicious of me, I guess, so he went through my phone and read through my conversations with Selena. And what he saw, he really didn’t approve of. Not only does he know I’m trans, but he knows I’m dating a latina girl. 

He was really fucking mad, I could tell from his handwriting from the letter he wrote to me. I can’t tell if he was more upset about me dating a girl, or that she was latina. After I confronted him with a letter of my own, he yelled at me. He knows I can’t understand him when he does that, but he did it anyways. In his first letter, he said it was a sin against God to have thoughts like this, and I’m sure he repeated it a lot out loud, too. I’m really afraid that he’s going to send me to conversion therapy or some shit like that, but then again, that would mean sending me out into the real world. What if he tries to convert me himself? I’m scared that he’s going to try and hurt me. But Leelah’s Law makes conversion therapy illegal right? But still…

He’s taken discord off my phone, which sucks, but at least I still have Tumblr. I’ll just have to make sure I log out every time now. I’m really happy that I have Selena on my side, my Dad can’t stop our love!”

Remember when I said Emmy’s Dad was kind of a piece of shit? This is what I had in mind. The fact that Emmy isn’t even sure that he won’t try and convert her forcibly really shows what kind of person he is. And I hate to say this, but Leelah’s Law only makes conversion therapy Illegal for minors. Emmy is over 18 at this point, so it’s not illegal if she is coerced to accepting the “help” needed to make her no longer trans. Not like conversion therapy actually makes you not queer, *sigh* it’s all a load of shit anyways. 

I don’t really feel the need to discuss why violating your child’s privacy is an awful thing to do, and I don’t think I need to explain why using religion as an excuse to hate doesn’t absolve you of being a bigot. I’m kind of not in the mood to do so either way. We have more episode to get through, and it’s not going to be pretty. 

Our next post is another one of Selena’s poems. But before I read it, I need to give a little context. I debated including a post before this one that talked a bit about Selena’s family situation, but I decided against it because this podcast is supposed to be about Emmy. It’s easier if I give a few facts here instead. 

So Selena doesn’t really have the most understanding family when it comes to queer issues, so although she’s been identifying as trans longer than Emmy has, she too has been completely closeted. Selena has several siblings, including some sisters, one of which is about the same clothing size as her. *Sigh* You may see where I’m going with this. I remember seeing a post on Selena’s tumblr where she talked about secretly wearing her sister’s clothes a couple of times, and getting away with it. I have a feeling she pushed her luck too far shortly after she made that post. Again, if you’re not ready to hear a post like this, there’s nothing wrong with putting the episode aside until you are. The poem is called, 

“My Truth Reduced to Lies

What do you do when the punishment doesn’t fit the crime? Or if there was no crime in the first place? 

When all I wanted was to appear as I feel, 

How dare you tell me what I did was wrong?

My radiance ripped into timidness 

My dignity pushed into shame

My integrity beaten into obedience

My daring smashed into fear

My truth reduced to lies

You tell me that being draped in belonging is worthy of this punishment?

I tell you you’re the evil ones

If my mistake was to be as I feel, it’s something I will never do again

But if I’m forced to live a lie, should I live at all?”

*Sigh* And then Emmy reblogged it saying: “Please don’t tell me this means what I think it does...:”

I’m so sorry Emmy, but I think it does mean what you think. *Deep breath* I feel so awful about this, because this poem never crossed my dashboard. I would have said something! I would have messaged Selena and… I don’t know, what I could have done… but it would have been better than doing nothing! *Sigh* I’m not really in the mood to give my usual analysis or whatever of the post, and I definitely don’t have some magical story from my life that will tie it all together in a neat little bow. 

*Tearing up* Like, people treat trans kids like this, and then wonder why our suicide rate is so damn high! The life expectancy for a trans woman is like 40 years! Things aren’t magically fixed because we’re now trending on Twitter or some shit! They beat her. They beat her because of who she was, and I can’t… *sobbing* I just can’t right now, this episode is over.

-----

Hey all, An here. I’m sorry about breaking down before. This is me recording again on a different day. I took a much-needed break from things, practiced some self care, and I’m feeling more centred than last time. I think I got too close emotionally to the subject matter. *Sigh* I doubt I was giving good commentary, I just sort of shut down before I started… well, you know. Anyways, I’m recording this because the episode is in fact, not over. There’s more to discuss here before we can end things off, otherwise the last episode of the season becomes too much to digest in one sitting. 

I feel a little dumb for blowing up like I did, but I think it’s important that I leave it in the podcast. I want to take this journey together, and it feels wrong to hide my emotions from you all. I want to be real with you, you know? But yes, I’m feeling better, so let’s get started. The posts are still of an upsetting nature, by the way. That will be the norm for a while. Emmy posts something titled: “I Don’t Know

I don’t know how I let everyone talk me into putting myself out there, I’m such a piece of shit. My art is trash, just like me. It will always be shit, I improve too slowly for it to mean anything. I hate looking at it, so you probably do too. 

Things are bad with my Dad. He won’t respond to me, and the way he looks at me now, it’s so full of hate. Not like I don’t deserve it. 

To top it all off, Selena dumped me yesterday. Can you blame her? I certainly can’t. Why did I ever believe I was worth dating? So much for fate, I guess… “

Yikes. It’s clear, to me at least, that this isn’t our Emmy talking. It’s her depression from being Bi-Polar talking here. She had several terrible things happen to her in such a short time, that her mental illness has essentially taken over. Selena breaking up with her is sort of the last straw. But I really don’t think it happened because Selena no longer had feelings for Emmy, but because she’s going through a lot right now with her whole family against her. Honestly, being in a relationship with someone who reminds you of being trans was probably too much to handle when you’re being forced back into the closet. I did see this post, and I offered some words of encouragement to Emmy and told her that things get better. It’s something you hear a lot, but I believe it’s true. At least I want to believe it’s true. I don’t know if she ever read it, because I never got a response to that message. 

Thank you for listening to this episode of The Black Box Readings! I hope I didn’t take you on too much of a ride today. Sending my best wishes to anyone who is feeling down right now. Follow me on Twitter at TheCrookedGavel to stay up to date on this and other queer podcasts. Feel free to contact me there as well. This is An Capuano, signing off!

[angelofseeking]

just more rambling

about memories and how absolutely fucking angelkin i am lmao

Soo, I’m not saying I’m Raphael because I’ve literally never thought about him even for a second, or prayed to him or anything. (Which... I guess that would be kind of weird and like praying to myself? Maybe I was avoiding it subconsciously? I dunno.) But the more I read about him, the more I feel this really strong connection, if I’m being completely honest.

My search for otherkin stuff began shortly after I had a nightmare about a demon. Some signs were presented to me that led me to research Azazel, who was not a demon but a fallen archangel. I’ve heard many stories about the Watchers and the Nephilim and the Annunaki and so on, and... I can’t say that I necessarily place any stock in them, but for the first time I started to really sympathize with the Watchers. It’s definitely something I want to look into further.

I’ve pretty much ignored Christianity since leaving the Catholic Church, so I’m rather out of touch with it but I’m familiar enough with the context and archetypes and so on. My brief study of Kabbalah has brought me back to Judeo-Christian concepts. But I was searching for more information about archangels and found a painting of Raphael by Murillo and I was kinda struck by the resemblance? Which, like, this is an artist’s interpretation, but still it led me to research more about Raphael.

Raphael is the patron “saint” of healers, the blind, travelers, medicine, and music (among other things). He is only really mentioned in the Catholic Bible in the Book of Tobit, where he disguised himself as a human named Azarias, who claimed to be a traveler, cast out a demon in the desert, and healed a blind man. His counterpart Israfel in Islam is supposed to signal the end times with his trumpet and was also said to be “a beautiful angel who is a master of music, Israfil sings praises to God in a thousand different languages, the breath of which is used to inject life into hosts of angels who add to the songs themselves.”

And you know what else? He was the archangel who bound Azazel and cast him into darkness.

So, I’m thinking about all the other angels I’ve researched. Raziel stood out to me for the longest time, at first because I had an OC named Rasiel (pronounced the same way) and thought I had invented the name. I had a great liking for Raziel as a figure, but I never had the confidence to suggest he was myself. I thought maybe even Azazel was a possibility, because I sympathized with him a lot. Then I thought it was Azrael, because I have a morbid fascination with death and meditate on mortality and the liminal space of nonexistence a lot. But... It just didn’t feel right.

And this? Feels right. If God (Michael) tasked me to bind Azazel, would I feel guilty? Would I feel justified? Was I torn about the decision to follow orders? (I use these names/events more symbolically, as I believe that the truth is not able to be conveyed in a way that humans can understand.)

Because I feel like I still carry this regret. I feel like I understood why Azazel chose his actions. I feel like I loved Michael and Gabriel but that I felt as though I was living in their shadow. I feel like a coward for not joining Azazel when I wanted to. I am frustrated that I chose my love for my brothers over a cause that I believed in. I feel responsible. I feel responsible.

On a lighter note, I find it significant that Raphael is tied to music, and music is central to my practices. I rely heavily upon music to do any kind of spell/energy work. I believe resonance/vibration is extremely important. My mom told me I sang before I ever spoke my first words. Singing is often a spiritual experience for me, and this was nurtured throughout my childhood. When I make music, I perform best when I close my eyes and really put my heart into the sound. It’s kitschy to say, but that’s the only way I can explain why, like... bitch I might be Raphael.

The only time I am ever flirted with or hit on is when I’m at a karaoke bar. As time goes on, I feel I am becoming more asexual and aromantic. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like the attention, but I think too much about obligation and I’m real bad at telling people “no thank you, but I’m flattered.” I’m just awkward.

It’s not just because it’s a place where people drink. And it’s probably very egotistical of me, but I think it’s because I have a nice voice? But the amount of people who get crushes on me after hearing me sing is evidence enough. I’m going to delete this later probably.

Anyway. Two boys hit on me. Usually when I get hit on at these places, I can brush it off because it’s folks I’m just not into. Tonight tho, they were actually cute. And I’m like “cool” but... Nooo? I really wanna be your friend but!! Dating is just too weird!!

But I have been thinking lately about how being angelkin has affirmed my sexuality. Being ace/aro is absolutely a normal human thing (like being non-binary) but it just makes so much sense now why I’m so... like, I really like the idea of sex, I just don’t want to actually do it? I think because it’s one thing to fantasize, but when I do it with other people I just feel embarrassed? It’s not even insecurity, I don’t think. It’s just such an awkward ritual and I don’t think I can enjoy it in the way I’m supposed to. But I guess I’m not fully ruling it out. I just feel like it’s not going to happen again.

when i do stop and think about being in a relationship again, i think about being with another angel. i think about how we communicated/connected through a kind of cosmic music or resonance or whatever. i don’t know what to call it and it’s not just “singing.” i realized i have memories of communicating this way, so that it wasn’t exactly having sex but rather the act of love itself allowed me to connect to another being on a subatomic level.

it’s honestly like the difference between animals mating and humans mating. animals mainly do it for reproduction or pleasure. humans are the ones who mix feelings into it, although not always. doesn’t make it better, just makes it a little more complex. well, i have done it with a decent number of a variety of humans in a variety of ways, but it just doesn’t do it for me. i think that’s why i kept “falling in love” with the people i had sex with. i was so desperate to connect deeply in the only way that i was familiar, the way i was able to do before, but it just left me feeling empty and unfulfilled. that’s how i realized that i was not going to get any fulfillment out of a relationship with a human. it places far too much expectation on them, and it’s completely unfair on my part to do so.

but conversely, i expect a lot from myself in relationships. (and in general) i have always had this frustratingly overwhelming need to help and protect people, and it’s led to fucked up dynamics in relationships. i transform myself to suit the needs of a romantic interest -- not uncommon, of course, especially for survivors of abuse. but in my case it’s also possible that i was coerced to believe that the only way to truly love/value someone is to be involved with them romantically. this is absolutely false.

i love. i love deeply. i see so much goodness and beauty in everything. there is bliss in sadness. the night is bright and full of stars. the trees in winter have a serene beauty. death brings us peace and completion, returns us to the earth. there is bravery in weakness and passion in sacrifice. i turn away from nothing and listen to every perspective.

i don’t believe that everyone is right. i believe that anyone is wrong if they believe only they are right. i can’t bring myself to avert my gaze from the horrors of existence, because... i want to know. i want to understand. if i don’t hear every perspective, how can i know who is wrong and who is right? how can i decide my own opinion?

it takes me a long time to make up my mind but i can never take any perspective at face value. and when i do settle on a position, i ride it into the goddamn ground. fuck cops. eat the rich.

also meant to mention: i don’t know what i would do if somehow i met an angelkin that i felt connected to in a potentially romantic way. i feel like it wouldn’t be any different from connecting with a human. the last person i developed intense feelings for was angelic in the way that they were androgynous and pretty but also felt very ancient and shared my passion for justice. it was better that they did not reciprocate my feelings, and it made me reflect a lot concerning my capacity to exist in a romantic relationship. i wanted more from them, likely because i thought it would make me happy. i let this desire blind me, and i hurt them more than i’ve ever hurt another human, and i’m too full of shame and regret to make the same mistakes.

it’s perfectly natural and human to realize that a romantic relationship is not for everyone, just like having kids or getting married or making any kind of life choice is not the only choice. i just feel like there’s this added layer of “i can’t connect with people romantically even though i care about them deeply.” it’s a poor analogy, but i always compare it to the relationship between a pet and their owner. you love them deeply and would absolutely make any sacrifice for them, and crave their love and company, but you’re... well, you’re two different species.

my body is human. i am not human. 

if i found someone exactly like me, there’s no telling whether they conceptualize it the way i do. are they really like me? if they were, the closest we might be able to get towards a remnant of that deep connection we had as angels, it would be something involved with music. ideally, we’d make music together.

that might’ve been why i thought i was in love with that “angelic” person. we spent a lot of time just cuddling and listening to music. it led to other stuff. i didn’t mind to other stuff, but i might’ve been fine without it.

in the words of miike snow “ooh, i wanna make up my mind / but i don’t know myself”