#did certain people become aware of the fact that the completely contrasting characterizations of her were! purposeful!

[monards]

dies a little inside when people wholly demonize rhinedottir

[arecomicsevengood]

Movies Watched During Self-Isolation, Part One: Mostly Just Paul Schrader Stuff

 I’ve been watching movies during this period of not leaving the house, which goes back a bit further than just when we are all told to stop leaving the house. The streaming services I have access to at the moment are just Kanopy and The Criterion Channel, so I have been watching different things than people who have Netflix or Hulu have been, most likely. These things are generally older, and possess a different set of aesthetic values than things seem to in our era of codified genres and niche marketing. Even the things I end up not being particularly into feel refreshing, in aggregate. There is a real sense of “they don’t make movies like this anymore!” which means, in a lot of ways, movies that seem keyed into being movies, that seem to understand the role of actors as charismatic, mysterious, or sexy, that then dictates the stories that get told. Let me break it down into some specifics, which will then function as recommendations.

The Comfort Of Strangers, 1990, dir. Paul Schrader. One thing I’ve been watching is a lot of Paul Schrader movies. This one comes from the era of the “erotic thriller” and was maybe marketed as such, but it feels like a post-Peter-Greenaway thing, maybe because of the presence of Helen Mirren. Mirren plays one half of weird and creepy older couple with Christopher Walken. Walken’s voice opens the movie with a disembodied narration that sets a tone of creepiness right from the jump, but the disembodied nature of it, heard as the camera roams through a residence, also recalls Last Year At Marienbad. The movie is largely about a younger couple, played by Rupert Everett and Natasha Richardson, who are vacationing in Venice, and end up being stalked and sort of seduced by Walken and Mirren. The lens of sexuality is a huge part of this movie, but it’s this sort of mysterious force, like the gaze of the camera is itself a malevolent thing, because whoever’s behind it can be an uncaring pervert. Movies’ particular relationship to sex, and sex’s example of a compulsive behavior with capability of destruction, feels like it plays a large role in a bunch of the Paul Schrader movies I watched. I often chose to watch them because of this, their understanding of compulsion made them compulsively watchable, which I appreciated when I felt distracted or inattentive.

In The Cut, 2003, dir. Jane Campion. This has a similar thing going for it. In many of the film’s earliest shots, the camera follows the lead (Meg Ryan) from a distance, with bodies we don’t see the entirety of in the foreground, giving the impression she’s being stalked or in imminent danger, although mostly she isn’t. She plays a writing teacher who lives in an apartment where the head of a murder victim is found in the garden. Mark Ruffalo plays a detective investigating, they end up fucking, even as she becomes paranoid about all the men around her, especially after her sister (played by Jennifer Jason Leigh) is also killed. The interest in this lies in the fact that it’s directed by a woman and has both an oppositional relationship to the male gaze and an interest in depicting female desire. It feels pretty sordid and a little rushed at the end. However, the ending seems rushed because the person that ends up being the killer is a person Meg Ryan’s character had no romantic or sexual interest in, and so largely ignored or didn’t think about. It’s not a bad movie but to whatever extent a movie stands on the strength of how interesting its actors are, this one doesn’t deliver. There’s a cameo by Patrice O’Neal though, as like the gay doorman at a stripclub Jennifer Jason Leigh lives above? If I understood correctly.

Patty Hearst, 1988, dir. Paul Schrader. This one’s really interesting, and I’ve kept thinking about it for a number of reasons. One is the interest of the Patty Hearst story itself, which I guess I hadn’t heard the entirety of or thought much about. For one thing, I don’t think I really understood the concept that she was brainwashed or had stockholm syndrome? Which is one of the things that makes the movie good, or what makes Natasha Richardson, playing Patty Hearst, so amazing to watch: She’s really compelling playing someone who has no idea why they’re doing what they’re doing at any given moment, because when you’re brainwashed, you don’t know you’re brainwashed, which is both perfectly obvious to me thinking about now, but that I also need to remind myself of when I think about MSNBC viewers positive feelings towards Joe Biden, for instance. The movie begins with her sudden kidnapping. There are shots that show her, in flashbacks to her life before that point, in a blindfold, that I wasn’t too into when I thought they were going to be sort of the entirety of the movie, but is I guess just intended as a visual metaphor for this sort of trauma as a deconditioning thing that removes whatever sense of a historical self she would’ve previously had. I also didn’t realize the Symbionese Liberation Army was basically just a sex cult with very few members, that robbed banks essentially just to fund themselves. Ving Rhames plays the leader of a group otherwise made up of a bunch of neurotic and ineffective white people. A lot of stuff happens, it’s all pretty interesting, and it doesn’t feel anything like a biopic, it always feels like a story is being told, but it’s always destabilized, and always heading towards doom. After arrest, Patty Hearst’s lawyer makes the argument that, even though she’s clearly brainwashed and undergone great trauma, and that is why she joined in bank robberies and the spouting of revolutionary rhetoric, it will be impossible for her to get a fair trial making that argument as so many parents felt their children went away to college in the 1960s and came back brainwashed as different people, though they did it of their own free will.

Hardcore, 1979, dir. Paul Schrader. This one’s about George C. Scott as midwesterner whose daughter gets kidnapped on a Church trip to California and ends up in porno. I guess has some parallels with Patty Hearst in terms of preying on parental fears, but also has this sort of sordid exploitation-y vibe in its basic summary. Peter Boyle plays a private detective whose debauched nature really bothers George C. Scott, whose beliefs the film takes pretty seriously. The end of the movie revelation that the daughter basically did run away and hates her dad sort of comes from nowhere, but the daughter is largely absent from the entire movie, and the disconnect between her and her father plays out so much from the father’s perspective it’s not really unearned. It also makes sense considered in the context of Patty Hearst, which is both a deepr work, but also a historical one, sort of about the creation of the moment and cultural context in which Hardcore would’ve been made and received. I wish Schrader’s first movie, Blue Collar, was available on a service I had access to.

Auto Focus, 2002, dir. Paul Schrader. This was the first Paul Schrader movie I was aware of, it was sort of critically-acclaimed. I avoided it because it seemed somewhat exploitative and grossly voyeuristic, being about Hogan’s Heroes star Bob Crane, here played by Greg Kinnear, and his interest in filming himself having sex with random women lured in by his celebrity. The film is characterized by a certain glib irony, but it’s also defined by the presence of Willem Dafoe, who’s great in it, as a completely loathsome person, taking advantage of Bob Crane’s celebrity to participate in the sex he otherwise would not have access to, and hastening his downfall by transforming him into a totally debauched sex addict, before finally killing him. The contrast between Bob Crane’s wholesome exterior and his descent into depravity is mirrored by a contrast between the the sort of jokey mockery of that contrast and a lived-in sense of squalor in the depiction of two men in a basement jerking off as they watch porn together.

Light Sleeper, 1992, Paul Schrader. Dafoe stars in this one, alongside Susan Sarandon, much hated by some for her adamant refusal to support Hillary Cilnton. This makes Sarandon admirable to me, but I don’t know how much I’ve seen her in. She’s in Louis Malle’s Atlantic City, also on the Criterion Channel, a movie I thought was great when I saw it but have forgotten almost everything about in the years since. Dafoe plays a mid-level drug dealer, who’s been off drugs for a few years, and Sarandon is his higher-level contact, who’s looking to get out of selling entirely and enter the cosmetics business. Dana Delaney plays Dafoe’s ex-wife, from his addict days, back in town because her mother is dying in the hospital. The compulsion towards sex that’s present in a bunch of other Schrader movies is replaced here with drug addiction as this force to fight against, or exist in tension with, and also love, which is very present in this movie and very tender. The movie also boasts early-career cameos by Sam Rockwell and David Spade, and the great Jane Adams plays Dana Delaney’s sister. Delaney’s character ends up relapsing and dying, probably due to the shock of her mother’s death, probably not helped by the unplanned reminder of DaFoe’s character. It seems very rare for a movie to have roles as strong for women as this movie does. Even the psychic who Dafoe sees in two scenes, played by Mary Beth Hurt, who I don’t know from anything else, is great.

La Truite, 1982, dir. Joseph Losey. A friend of mine highly recommended Joseph Losey’s film Mr. Klein, but that one’s hard to track down. This stars a young Isabelle Huppert as a young woman who gets flown out to Japan by a rich businessman. He doesn’t have sex with her, just sort of enjoys the money being lavished on her, but her husband, who she also does not seem to have sex with, gets pretty pissed about it.

Eva, 1962, dir. Joseph Losey. This is a really similar movie from Joseph Losey in a lot of ways. It stars Jeanne Moreau, who also has a smaller part in La Truite, and it’s also about a woman whose whole deal is getting money from rich dudes and not having sex with them. In La Truite, Huppert’s life gets kind of ruined, in this movie, Moreau does the ruining, of an author/hack who is married to an actress from one of his work’s movie adaptations who doesn’t know what the he confesses to Moreau, which is that he stole the book from his dead brother and didn’t write a word of it. I wasn’t that into either of these movies but I feel like the sort of archetype, of like a young beautiful woman who doesn’t want sex and sort of just busts men’s balls “works” in a film, how film’s objective or ambivalent view makes their motivations opaque in a way that allows them to be compelling to male and female audiences alike, if for different reasons. Vera Chytilova’s Daisies plays on this sort of youthful feminine brattiness too, to a more anarchic effect. None of these characters have as much depth as Patty Hearst or any of the women in Light Sleeper but they nonetheless suggest the possession of such, kept far away from the camera’s eye.

[dragonnan]

Speaking at a panel at the London Film and Comic-Con today, the 41-year-old said that there could only be one character his detective could be coupled with in the BBC hit series.“Now, there’s only one choice, isn’t there? Come on,” he told the audience of fans, before jokingly adding: “Doctor Watson.” He continued on a more serious note, explaining: “I think it would have to be Molly, wouldn’t it? Love for him, after all, would be thinking more - maybe that’s asking too much - maybe thinking as much of someone else as he thinks of himself.”

Headcanon Times:

I know everyone, including the actors, have their opinions about the characters but this is one where I fully, fully agree with Ben.  I want to be clear, I don’t watch Sherlock for romance - though romance, in the broader sense, is integral within the series as a whole.  It is heightened and artistic and deep and exciting and adventurous and funny and witty and terrifying and, yes, heartbreakingly romantic, too.

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I had always viewed Irene as Sherlock’s first real exposure to love.  I think there was an immediate attraction and, possibly (without knowing a thing of his history and only going on what the series implied) his first physical experience as well.  I’m very much in the camp that believes he and Irene had a physical encounter after he rescued her from being executed.  I think he pined after her for many years but I also find it telling that he rarely engaged her no matter how often she texted him.  I think he didn’t know what to do with his emotions regarding her and, as has been his method regarding strong emotions, he set them to the side rather than face them head on.  “You didn't win, you lost. Look what you did to her. Look what you did to yourself, all those complicated little emotions, I lost count. Emotional context, it destroys you, every time.”

If the man Sherlock has become is his memory of Eurus then it’s no wonder than his view on emotions would be skewed towards seeing them as a crutch rather than a strength.  His connections with people were severely damaged between his two siblings - Eurus for her own inability to healthily relate to others plus, you know, murdering his best friend - and Mycroft, for keeping that truth hidden and for teaching Sherlock that human connection is something to despise.  At least Mycroft has begun to see how badly he’d wronged his brother, in that regard.

When he met Irene, he’d already begun opening himself up to humanity again.  John was a healer beyond his abilities as a doctor.  He was crucial to pulling Sherlock back from the edge -possibly - just in time.  It’s terrifying to imagine what would have happened to Sherlock had John not entered his life when he did.  Because of John’s influence and heart, Sherlock’s emotional walls developed a significant crack.  So, that, by the time he’d met Irene, he was already in a place where he could be blindsided by the power of these newly reborn feelings.  I think there’s even room to speculate that Sherlock’s emotions towards Irene were so incredibly powerful BECAUSE he hadn’t had much practice with them, yet.  To use the familiar cliche it was like gaining sight where once he’d been blind.  He was overwhelmed and, as much as Sherlock could be, nearly sick with his infatuation. (bear in mind, still, this is speculation.  Sherlock has always maintained an outer cool for a good portion of the series and there are very few times he’s shown his chaotic feelings - but we’ll get to that...).  

We know Molly, by this point, has had an ongoing crush on him and it is implied, based on his response to her, that Christmas, that he possibly wasn’t truly aware of that.  Or, at least, not the depth of it - given his shock at reading her card.  It makes me wonder, then, what, if any, real experience he’s had with attention from someone who views him in a sexual way.  Obviously, with John’s blog making him a celebrity, that would have begun to change quite quickly - not that Sherlock has ever had the desire for such distractions (that he’d have felt desire, in and of itself, is another matter entirely.  Ben has stated that he did not view Sherlock as cut off from things such as arousal - but that he’d have repressed them in order to put all of his energies into the Work). When he’d believed Irene to be dead, he came very close to using again - or, possibly, something even worse.  There isn’t time to explore what he may actually have done because she revealed herself soon afterwards.  It is clear, though, that his care for her developed very fast.  He’d met her just one time - was outsmarted by her - drugged by her - and then began receiving repeated suggestive texts from her.  And, shortly thereafter, he composed an incredibly moving and emotional sonnet for her.  Even Ben isn’t certain whether what Sherlock felt was more love or more lust.  I don’t know that it is always one or the other as so often those things are intertwined - though possibly weighted more heavily on the physical.  In any event, without delving too far into Irene’s relationship, it feels as though they have little to build on, between them, beyond the physical.  They play cat and mouse.  They have a game of outwitting one another.  But beyond wordplay and the occasional whip...  Irene would never be a true partner.  She has a life she loves and a career that, by its nature, does not mesh with the sort of partnership needed between a man and wife (not that I think she’d ever want something as domestic as that).  On top of all of that, she already has a steady female partner that she obviously loves and Sherlock is an aberration for her.  He’s a temporary delight but I cannot see any scenario where she’d want to be at his side, through ups and downs, falling off the wagon, getting lost in his work, family dramas... Well, point in fact, she never was.        

So, now to the part of this musing that I’ve been building towards.

I gave myself a series of questions and I’ve spent a few weeks, actually, thinking about them.  Faithful characterization is really important to me.  I want to see the honesty of how a character is represented without overlaying intent just because I WANT to see it.  (to be clear, this is not a comment on fanfiction or various pairings or anything of the sort.  This is me trying to parse the authentic character, based on what I've interpreted on screen, for my own creative process).  

Sherlock's relationship with John is a powerful friendship that has laid the groundwork towards developing his emotional balance. While he will always be a bit of an arse – suspicious of overt emotional displays – in short, he'll be himself – he has also warmed up in ways that would not have come about otherwise.

Molly is the first person that Sherlock, at least on screen, apologizes to. The reason being for his callous cruelty when he chose to deduce the reason for a gift she'd brought – correct motivations but incorrect recipient in that he hadn't connected the dots in that the gift was for him. Instantly abashed for causing her humiliation, he apologized, begged her forgiveness, and kissed her cheek.

Of course, Sherlock now starts to exploit her infatuation because, still, he doesn't really get what love is all about. He doesn't seem to see what it is to emotionally hurt someone because he's cut off proper access to his own heart. In fact, to leap ahead, it is amazing character growth to contrast his early interactions with her – faking interest in her hair and make up just to have access to bodies – against his honest pleading with her to say “I love you” and then having an absolute melt-down when he realized Eurus had used him to emotionally bludgeon Molly.

“You look sad, when you think, he can't see you.” Molly is one of the few people that Sherlock cannot bluff his way around. But this moment also reveals that she is one of the few people he trusts enough to show his real feelings. Yes, he will show John those feelings as well, but in this circumstance he simply couldn't afford to. But he had to be able to relieve some of that emotional stress with someone and Molly was the one he turned to – even if he wasn't initially aware that he was doing so.

Sherlock Holmes: [waiting for Molly in the darkened lab, she enters and is startled when he begins to speak] You're wrong, you know. You do count. You've always counted and I've always trusted you. But you were right. I'm not okay.

Molly Hooper: Tell me what's wrong.

Sherlock Holmes: Molly... I think I'm going to die.

Molly Hooper: What do you need?

Sherlock Holmes: If I wasn't everything that you think I am, everything that I think I am... would you still want to help me?

Molly Hooper: What do you need?

Sherlock Holmes: You.

When Sherlock prepared to fake his death, one of the few people he implicitly trusted to help him was Molly. Not only did he trust her, he approached her in a very open and emotional way. He didn't simply ask her for help. I've thought a lot about the above lines and Sherlock's build up and what it all meant. What I end up with, basically, is him asking would she help him even if he wasn't the near legend that he has become... if he were the lie he's going to be forced to assume in order to make John think he's suicidal. And Molly doesn't hesitate. She will follow him into hell. And I think this might be a moment where Sherlock was still unaware of how MUCH she was devoted to him. Thus his hesitancy. And, yet, he trusts her completely.

Later, Sherlock spent time living with her while in hiding and sleeping in her room while she took the spare room. “We agreed he needed the space”. I don't, however, believe there was anything intimate going on between them and just given Molly's comments on it, it seems as though it was more awkward for her than anything.

Molly was the one Sherlock asked to go investigating when John was angry with him. He was very quick to understand that it was a one time thing because she was engaged. This was the second time he kissed her cheek; and followed it by saying she deserved every happiness. It's suggestible that he acknowledges her feelings for him by saying not every man she falls for can be a sociopath. Of course, one could read that he's referring to Moriarty but after such a tender moment that would seem a little crass. Though, this IS Sherlock and likely he would think that was a kindness. I find everything about this incredibly interesting. For one, though I've never thought there was anything romantic between John and Sherlock – there also were never any questions that John would investigate with Sherlock regardless as to whom he was seeing/married to. It simply wasn't a factor. For Molly, however, her being with someone else means she can't possibly do this with Sherlock. Why? Because of her feelings for him and, more, him recognizing and respecting that he cannot compromise that. While it doesn't say anything about his feelings for her, beyond friendship, it DOES show that he cares about her and won't ask her to do anything that makes her uncomfortable (another step forwards from series 1 Sherlock). It does, also, reveal something else. That if Molly hadn't been engaged, Sherlock would have welcomed her as a partner and that he'd enjoyed his day with her. Even if they weren't able to go out for chips after – his invitation.

The two people asked to be godparents of Rosie were Sherlock and Molly. If John also died, Sherlock and Molly would instantly be co-parents. I just wanted to throw that out there.

Molly is one of the people entrusted to look after Sherlock when he falls off the wagon. It's a short list.

When Sherlock is dying, it's a mental version of Molly who appears and saves his life. Now, for me, that IS telling in that John is the doctor and yet Molly is the one Sherlock's frantic brain latches onto first.

Finally, as was mentioned earlier, we have the infamous “I love you”. We've seen Sherlock fake emotion – fake tears – fake fear and very skillfully, too. He's gotten one over on John many times. With Molly, though, I feel as though he's learned a hard lesson about hurting her. He's trying to do better by her so he gives her his genuine feelings. And, certainly, in this moment he can't afford otherwise. He believes she'll die and Molly will not say the words unless he does first. “Say it like you mean it” may well have been stated “say it so I could believe it.” And, in fact, the first time he says it, she doesn't appear to believe it. She can tell when he lies and, I think for a long time now, she can tell when he's faking kindness to manipulate her. This is where my honest belief about this comes into play. That in order to get her to say the words to him, he had to speak truthfully. An I think that was why it was so tremendously devastating. It opened a wound he hadn't realized existed until that moment – something far deeper and FAR more demanding than that long ago emotion he'd felt for Irene. Irene would never be compromised by a declaration of love. It's possible she may even find it tragic because part of me thinks Irene, too, finds emotional investment to be compromising. I actually think there's a lot of evidence to support that. With Molly, though; who has carried this steady love for so many years – have carried Sherlock through his tragedies, has been emotional support and safety... he cannot wedge open his heart like this for the moment it takes to “save her”, only to close it once more. This is something that has ramifications for the both of them and there is every chance this forced enlightenment comes at the cost of something he wasn't given the time to figure out and act upon. In finally figuring out he loves her he may have lost her in that same breath.

If ever there is a season 5 I wonder that this would even be explored. It's hard to say. But if this is, really, the end of the show it is just as easy to see where it COULD lead.   

[hkrdos]

hearts & bones analysis

A few days ago, @strivingwaytofar asked if it was possible for me to do an analysis of hearts and bones and because I thought it would be really fun to do so, I did!

(I honestly wasn’t expecting the analysis to be so lengthy but life is unpredictable am I right) 

Disclaimer: This is about 4k long so

Here we go! 

Brief description of characterization

Jongin: I wanted to portray him as a free-spirited person. He’s pretty introverted and doesn’t really like to get involved in things that make him uncomfortable (i.e. socializing with a large crowd etc). He’s also very certain about what he likes and only pays attention to these things, casting out the rest of the world. Very passionate guy!! I think he develops the most throughout the story! He’s initially unconfident / uncertain (swims to avoid everything and runs away from his problems more than he fixes them) and even slightly insensitive at times in terms of how he treats the people around him (e.g. Chanyeol and Sehun), but that’s because he’s really guarded and doesn’t really share what’s on his mind. He wants to shoulder everything on his own which is why he keeps everything to himself, but it all changes when he meets Kyungsoo and realizes there’s someone who understands him and that he doesn’t have to do everything alone.

Kyungsoo: He’s definitely a character with much more emotional complexity. I tried to make his characterization in this story as similar to his character in real life as possible! In this story, Kyungsoo is fiercely independent and a very private person. He’s also an introvert like Jongin and usually tries to avoid things that make him uncomfortable, sticking to things he enjoys like photography and manga etc. Even though he’s quiet, he’s actually very sensitive and observant, and it makes him very endearing to people. So people do take to him very quickly, and they literally adore him. And it is especially because of how stoic he seems to be, he makes people just want to get to know him more, want to tease him, want to make him laugh and so on. Jongin was drawn to him partly because of this too and he knows Kyungsoo has this effect on others as well, and this has caused him a lot of jealousy throughout the course of their relationship. Kyungsoo changes a lot too when he meets Jongin, which I will elaborate more on below!

 Character / Relationship development (in chronological order)

Chapter 1 It all begins with Jongin swimming because I wanted to establish how much he loves that right from the start, and how it’s his safe place where he goes to whenever he wants a break from everything. So it’s especially significant that he meets Kyungsoo there, who later becomes a personification of his safe place. He’s drawn to Kyungsoo the second he meets him mainly because of how it doesn’t feel unnatural to have him there, and Jongin doesn’t feel uncomfortable around him even though he’s a complete stranger (Jongin usually is around new people).

We also!! See!! That Chanyeol and Jongin are really close here. Chanyeol was so surprised about Jongin befriending someone new because Jongin rarely ever does that, which again, makes his interaction with Kyungsoo that much more significant because he’s already doing things out of his comfort zone.

Then Jieun is introduced and it’s quite obvious that he’s not really excited about being on a date with her. She obviously isn’t a priority and that’s not how anyone normal behaves with someone they love so it’s clear from the start that Jongin isn’t really into her. He runs into Kyungsoo again, and is reluctant to introduce his girlfriend to him, and that’s when it starts to become clear that he’s probably already starting to become infatuated with Kyungsoo. They have a cute moment on the bridge and that’s the only thing Jongin remembers from that day, and nothing from the date he was on with Jieun.

He’s also like this with Sehun—reluctant to introduce Kyungsoo to him, because at this point Kyungsoo feels like a secret that Jongin very much wants to keep to himself. Then he can’t help but go look for Kyungsoo, mysteriously drawn to him (much like his relationship with water). Kyungsoo is obviously very reserved and guarded, and doesn’t reveal more information than necessary. He’s still nice to Jongin because he understands that swimming must mean a lot to Jongin, and here’s someone who’s quite similar to him, or at least because of how much they both enjoy being alone while doing the things that they like. The most important thing Jongin finds out from this interaction is how even silence between them can feel so comfortable, and he finds it fascinating precisely because he barely even knows Kyungsoo, yet this person already makes him feel at ease.

Kyungsoo rejects his offer to drive him home the first time round because as mentioned above, he’s very independent and doesn’t want to feel indebted to anyone. But Jongin is very persistent!! Visiting Kyungsoo becomes a routine.

They have also evidently grown more comfortable with each other and Kyungsoo shows some concern, which makes Jongin very happy, so it doesn’t matter that much even though Kyungsoo is still very reserved (not wanting to tell him what’s in the box). Kyungsoo accepts Jongin’s offer to drive him home this time mainly because he’s carrying the box and it’s very inconvenient to lug something so bulky home. When Jieun calls and asks for a ride, Jongin’s lack of affection / love is once again made evident. He doesn’t prioritize her at all and even though Kyungsoo feels bad about it (offers to walk), Jongin is determined to drive him home (the first time he instructs Kyungsoo to do anything). So off to Kyungsoo’s house they go! Jongin feels shitty about his new friend coming back to what appears to be an empty home (you know that feeling when you really care about someone and don’t want that person to be alone and not taken care of?) but he can’t do anything about it because he has boyfriend duties to fulfill, and his reluctance indicates how wrong the relationship he’s currently in is for him.

 Chapter 2

Chanyeol and Jongin in the pool after training hours!!!! Chanyeol is obviously Jongin’s closest friend and they help each other a lot. Despite their closeness, Jongin still feels uncomfortable when Chanyeol talks to him about competitive swimming in the future. Jongin isn’t confident and doesn’t really know what he’s going to do yet and doesn’t like how Chanyeol seems to (note: he’s just overly-sensitive about this) be pushing him, which is why he rarely talks about this with Chanyeol. Then they talk about the party blablabla, Jongin says that he doesn’t like social events blablabla, gets reminded of Kyungsoo, and ditches his friend for the smol cute boi.

When he goes into the clubroom and sees Kyungsoo asleep, his heart is all doki doki. It should be quite clear that Kyungsoo is extremely introverted and wouldn’t be into social events, but the fact that he’s willing to go for his friend shows how highly he regards people who have proven themselves worthy of that label. Jongin agrees to go to the party simply because Kyungsoo is going (his infatuation has already developed into a crush). Also here Kyungsoo is inferred to be smart (rightly so because he focuses only on the things that he deems important and studies very hard). He doesn’t reject Jongin’s offer to drive him home again and this is when Kyungsoo actually starts to open up a little more to Jongin. He has already unknowingly started to depend on Jongin, but only to a very small extent. Same as the previous time, Jongin hates watching Kyungsoo walk into what appears to be an empty house, but he’s cheered up by the fact that they’ll be meeting the next day.

From the way Jongin treats Jieun here, it’s evident that even though he’s not exactly in love with her, he’s still a decent gentleman who knows how to take care of a lady. His friends (and girlfriend) are shown to be very different from him; they enjoy social events and cannot possibly understand why Jongin doesn’t.

This is later contrasted to Kyungsoo who is just as uncomfortable as Jongin is. Jongin eventually ditches his girlfriend (only after making sure Sehun will take care of her) to go look for Kyungsoo. He already feels better at the sight of Kyungsoo and they talk a little bit, but they’re both aware they don’t really dig this party. A wild Junmyeon appears and Jongin gets jealous and actually acts on that anger, which surprises even himself. Jieun finds them afterwards and wants to go get food, and observant Kyungsoo tells her that Jongin is too drunk to drive. This makes Jongin really happy because he feels good that Kyungsoo was paying attention to him (and is/was such an understanding person). Anyway they go off to get food, but only after Jongin has made sure that Kyungsoo will not be left alone. Chanyeol starts to suspect something which explains the intense staring and Jongin is aware of that too, but once again ignores that rather than confront it because he too doesn’t really understand his own actions.

Jongin only gets to go look for Kyungsoo after he has sent everyone home and this is where he gets to learn more about Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo reveals that he’s usually alone at home and even though he’s so indifferent about it, Jongin can see that Kyungsoo is lonely deep down inside. Again, this is something he can relate to because he feels lonely too from not having anyone who really understands who he is as a person. It’s significant that he invites Kyungsoo to go swim with him because we all know that the pool is Jongin’s safe place, and to invite someone says a lot.

This is also the part he starts to realize that his feelings for Kyungsoo are a little different, though he hasn’t and doesn’t want to admit that to himself yet.

 Chapter 3

Jongin is surprised to see Baekhyun and Kyungsoo sitting with them, though it’s mostly because Baekhyun and Chanyeol are close friends. I stole the “you just need to know how to approach him” line from what the real Jongin said because I think it’s a really great line that summarizes their relationship and reflects how compatible they are, how well they understand and are able to get through to each other. Their interaction here also reveals how much closer they are to each other now, with how Kyungsoo is willing to play along.

They even text in class because Kyungsoo is on Jongin’s mind a lot and he is the first person Jongin wants to share stuff with (our boi Jongin is obviously in love now). Kyungsoo is shown to have a cute / funny side that Jongin loves.

The pressure from the upcoming competition and his future renders Jongin practically non-functional, performing poorly for his training. He doesn’t really know how to translate the frustration / anxiety he feels into words and finds it difficult to talk to Chanyeol about it. His best friend understands that and leaves Jongin alone to figure out his thoughts (wanted to show how Chanyeol is a very supportive friend who understands Jongin enough to know what kind of support he would appreciate ((and that Jongin is wrong in thinking no one understands him which he will soon to come to realise))). Kyungsoo finds him at the right time and provides immense comfort to Jongin, who then feels more equipped to start dealing with his thoughts (and he does). When Kyungsoo acknowledges how Jongin is in the water, our boi Jongin’s heart goes doki doki again because he feels like he has finally found someone who understands how important swimming is to him. Also he now feels convinced enough to admit that he feels very different about Kyungsoo as opposed to say Chanyeol or Sehun.

Heats! Jongin doesn’t care about Jieun being there, only about Kyungsoo, and he thinks about Kyungsoo even when he’s swimming. He does well and his instinct is to look towards Kyungsoo, because he only needs acknowledgement from one person – Kyungsoo.

Crashes at Kyungsoo’s house because Jongin is convinced that Kyungsoo is some sort of lucky charm and that he managed to overcome his mental block in the first place because of Kyungsoo. So he stays overnight at Kyungsoo’s house, holds him to sleep, and sleeps really well. Wakes up in optimal condition and heads to the competition. (Kyungsoo is surprised about waking up in Jongin’s arms, but he’s even more surprised that he doesn’t find it weird at all, and was in fact so comfortable that he slept so well through the night.)

Jongin is pleasantly surprised to see Kyungsoo before his match and when Kyungsoo wishes him luck, he realizes that he only needs this encouragement to pull him through everything. These emotions overwhelm him and he pulls Kyungsoo into a hug (here Kyungsoo is again surprised by how this is starting to feel natural).

Our homeboy Jongin slays the tournament and Kyungsoo feels genuine happiness at that (Jongin has already unknowingly started to become someone dear to him).

 Chapter 4

Jongin asks Kyungsoo out to the summer carnival even though he hates crowds (he likes Kyungsoo enough to ignore that). I think it’s significant that the person Jongin wants to relive his happy childhood memories with is Kyungsoo.

They have fun there and Kyungsoo is so much dorkier than he usually is, which makes Jongin very happy (unlocking a different side). It’s also significant that they have fun together, that their mindsets are aligned when it comes to having fun (compare this to his friends at the party). Cue sweet moment when Jongin realizes he’s in love with Kyungsoo, and is 100% okay with that fact. In fact, he feels blessed to be able to fall in love with someone so amazing. This is also where Kyungsoo starts to get a lot more attached to Jongin! He’s completely at ease around Jongin now and jokes around with him, and he enjoys spending time with Jongin.

Kyungsoo also starts to share little things with Jongin, such as the encounter he had with the squirrel.

The seniors step down from the swim team. Chanyeol asks Jongin about what has been going on between him and Kyungsoo, to which Jongin tries to avoid. Chanyeol isn’t convinced, but he doesn’t press on further because he thinks Jongin needs time and he wants to wait for his friend to voluntarily tell him the truth (only Jongin doesn’t realize that).

Drunk Jongin goes to Kyungsoo’s home because he’s the one person he wants to celebrate his victory with, wants to come home to after a long day. He confesses to Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo really is confused about his own feelings at this point but it’s quite clear that he feels, or at least is starting to feel the same way, because he started kissing Jongin back + willingly stayed in Jongin’s arms.

Jongin leaves first because he knows they both need some time to think through everything.

After a few days, Jongin decides to go look for Kyungsoo, only to find out that he’s not in school. There are two things that bother him: 1. his jealousy 2. Not knowing beforehand that Kyungsoo wouldn’t be in school. He runs into Jieun and makes a decision he should have made long ago, and while it seems like Kyungsoo is the propelling force behind this, it’s really one that’s for himself too. Kyungsoo was the person who made him realize that he didn’t want to be stuck in a relationship he doesn’t care about anymore, because now he has found someone who means so much to him, he can’t imagine being with anyone else. So look!!! He’s starting to confront his problems because of Kyungsoo.

 Chapter 5

Jongin waits outside Kyungsoo’s house just to tell him that he’s has broken up with Jieun and that he will wait for him. This is the moment Jongin hardens his resolve too! And it’s not explicit but Kyungsoo’s smile is actually very telling. He’s glad to hear that Jongin has broken up with Jieun (because he don’t wanna be a side hoe), not realizing how much that bothered him until now, and realizing that Jongin really meant what he said about liking him. (From this you can also infer that Kyungsoo does like Jongin too, only that he hasn’t realized it himself.)

Jongin goes out of his way just to buy Kyungsoo chips (you know how it is mate, you’re willing to do anything for the person you love), and Kyungsoo finds it very touching because he has always done things for himself and he’s not used to anyone treating him like this. At the same time, he feels bad that Jongin might have sacrificed his swimming team to do this for him because he’s not a self-entitled little shit. This also indicates that he understands how much swimming means to Jongin (Jongin realizes that too).

Fun fact this (Jongin picking Kyungsoo on the rainy day) was my favorite part to write! I think most of it is quite self-explanatory and I don’t want to elaborate too much because it’s very obvious what Jongin feels. I’ll just briefly talk about what’s going through Kyungsoo’s head in this part! Once again, Kyungsoo is touched that someone would be willing to go to great lengths for him, and because he’s not used to this, he feels undeserving of it. He asks Jongin to reconsider his decision because he’s really starting to let Jongin in and he doesn’t want Jongin to end up leaving / realizing he’s not that into him after all.

This is the part Kyungsoo goes oh shit, I think I’m in love with him too because he got!! JEALOUS!!!!

They kiss kiss fall in love I really don’t think I have to elaborate on this part.

 Chapter 6

Lots of relationship development! Kyungsoo, being the good boyfriend he is, is strict about wanting Jongin to do well (personally I really prioritize studies a lot and I think it’s really good to find someone who will push you and make sure you are doing the best you can do). Jongin is more interested in kissing him but he does learn his stuff (and scores well!).

Evident that Jongin is really starting to understand Kyungsoo and how he behaves. He’s there for Kyungsoo even though Kyungsoo didn’t tell him about how he was feeling, and this makes Kyungsoo realize that he really doesn’t have to shoulder everything on his own anymore. He can share them with Jongin!!! And the epiphany Jongin gets realizing that Kyungsoo really means so much to him because he has found someone who makes the world that much more beautiful and worth living in. You experience the whole fucking world differently when you’re with the right person.

Then comes the awkward why-are-we-hiding-this phase because they never really talked about whether they wanted to announce their relationship with their friends! Jongin feels a little hurt because he feels like Kyungsoo is embarrassed or something but they move on quickly.

I wrote the rest of this chapter using a random word generator so don’t ask me to analyse it.

 Chapter 7

Jongin is forced to confront Jieun!!!! There’s not much to talk about here, just how much Kyungsoo cares about Jongin and wants to make sure he’s feeling okay. Which would explain why he keeps watching Jongin when they’re all in the car together, and how he held on to Jongin’s arm to reassure him like hey, it’s fine, you have me with you. Jongin is happy about the possibility of him and Jieun becoming friends again because he feels mad guilty about hurting her!!!

Again, just wanted to draw attention to how Kyungsoo not only understands, but also appreciates / respects Jongin’s love for swimming, which later helps him make a big decision.

Kyungsoo watches out for Jongin after his conversation with Jieun. I mentioned that Jongin swims to escape, and wants to go into the water whenever he’s in an uncomfortable decision. But this part here!!

‘He wants to swim. He wants the water to comfort him. He needs to swim. He doesn’t realize he’s fidgeting, shifting his weight from one leg to the other until he feels the pressure on the small of his back.

An anchor.

The concern in Kyungsoo’s eyes is almost overflowing and Jongin doesn’t have to be in the sea to feel comforted now. He doesn’t have to go anywhere, Kyungsoo has brought the sea to him. The hand pressed to the small of his back coaxes him out of his restlessness as Kyungsoo rubs slow circles with his thumb, and doesn’t stop until Jongin can’t remember why he had been so agitated.’

^ Self-explanatory! Just wanted to draw attention to this. Kyungsoo gives him the same comfort and has become Jongin’s safe place too.

Kyungsoo later asks Jongin if he wants to stay over, and this really highlights just how much Kyungsoo cares about him to do something completely out of demeanour. Which is why Jongin doesn’t mind so much that Kyungsoo is unable to say “I love you” back because he has already shown it anyway.

Love is when you derive happiness from doing the simplest things like walking home together. Jongin establishes that Kyungsoo is a really understanding and empathetic person (their relationship is also built on their respect for each other).

The part where Kyungsoo tells Jongin that “I don’t need you to protect me” is meant to convey how fiercely independent he is, and how he’s still a little guarded because he has literally been doing everything on his own and he doesn’t want to suddenly depend fully on someone else (he’s a bit scared actually). But he still really likes Jongin and he’s really glad that Jongin manages to figure that out on his own by the end of this chapter.

 Chapter 8

Lots of relationship and personal development going on in this chapter! Kyungsoo helps Jongin arrive at a decision he was afraid to make by guiding him towards the right path and Jongin is just mind-blown by how good Kyungsoo is for him (which Chanyeol acknowledges as well). He shares his world with Kyungsoo because he loves him and Kyungsoo is able to appreciate it (compatibility!!).

Chanyeol finds out about them and he’s honestly rather disappointed that Jongin didn’t voluntarily tell him, but he’s still happy for his best friend. This is also the moment Jongin realizes he hasn’t been appreciating Chanyeol enough and resolves to be a better friend.

After the talk they had in the alley (how Jongin had seemed pretty uncertain), Kyungsoo decides it would be great to do something for Jongin to prove to him that he’s very much in love with him too. Yet, because he’s not so good with words, he does it through his project. He had been fearful about Jongin becoming so important to him initially, but now that he knows it’s safe to fall (because Jongin has assured him through his actions), he does it without any lingering reservations.

Jongin informs Kyungsoo of his decision and Kyungsoo finally says “I love you” back after sensing Jongin’s uncertainty, because he’s proud of Jongin for chasing his dreams and doesn’t want to let his fear of losing him get in the way.

 Chapter 9

Only two things I want to highlight:

1.       Friendship! Jongin grows a lot closer to his friends during the retreat camp and I consider it personal development. He finally steps out of his comfort zone to try new things and meet new people and doesn’t regret it one bit.

2.       Love! There’s absolutely nothing holding him back anymore after Jieun accidentally finds out about them and he’s now free to be open about his relationship with Kyungsoo. He’s obviously the less sensitive one (compared to Kyungsoo who still tried to hide from Jieun), but that was what he had to do. His love for Kyungsoo has led to personal development – compare this level of confidence to not even being able to reject Jieun in the past.

  Chapter 10

There’s really not much to talk about here! Just further relationship development because they finally came out to their friends and it’s a huge milestone. Gaining the confidence to love freely without caring what anyone else might think! I just wanted the readers to get the sense of how everything is falling into place and they’re happy with each other. They’ve both helped each other grow a lot.

Ended the story with Jongin swimming again, but this time with so much more confidence, and as a much stronger person too. We have come full circle and there is thus a sense of completeness!

 If you are reading this, thank you for putting up with such a poorly written analysis lol I hope it has provided more insights / answered any questions you might have! To summarize everything, this story revolves a lot around them helping each other grow. They were both pretty lonely before they found each other even if they (Kyungsoo) didn’t acknowledge it. You know how you automatically want to become a better person when you’re in love because you think your other half deserves nothing but the best you can give? That’s exactly what they feel towards each other here, so there’s a lot of focus on personal growth as well.

After Jongin met Kyungsoo, he got out of a relationship he doesn’t care about, he grew closer to his existing friends, he made new friends, he gained the courage to pursue his dreams, he became a more confident swimmer, he no longer had to run to the pool all the time for comfort, and he was happy.

After Kyungsoo met Jongin, he didn’t have to be alone anymore, he didn’t have to shoulder everything on his own, he made new friends, he realized it was okay to lean on someone else for support (that he never realised he needed), and he was happy too.

AND THAT IS ALL.

(Side note: H&B fanbook preorders are open until 22/3 here! For group orders, please refer to this!)