#destroying ourselves by re-listening to flowers

[scpwiki-official]

Sleep, familiar dreams Wading deep within the creek that I was forged in

[hwitzr]

general themes and ideas for my portrayal of katsuk.i:

a broken prototype: "then turn selfishness into a weapon. make things yours, make other lives and dreams hopes yours." / "it feels like i'm sad for an infinite number of my selves." / "it has to be perfect. to make up for it, to make for the fact that it's me."

butterflies:  re: metamorphosis, "you listen and you know you could live a better life than you do, be softer, kinder. and maybe this year you will be able to do it." / "i act and react, and suddenly i wonder 'where is the boy that i was last year?'... what would he think of me now?" / "mostly, i want to be kind."

fear of insignificance: "i want to try and be terrific, even for an hour, i feel like a time traveller: summer dissolves in my mouth and i can’t remember what it tasted like" / "it terrifies you. that you missed out on something."

without body and mind: "could i just ... let my molecules separate while you keep an eye on the burner? the flame's fickle. here's hoping it doesn't go out." / "i feared a wound not of the body but the soul, an irreconcilable division between myself and the rest of humankind."

guilt as an open wound: "i want to tell you this story without having to confess anything, i want to tell you this story without having to be in it." / "the enormity of my desire disgusts me." / "the strength of my desire, the speed with which it flowers, shocks me; i flinch and startle."

anger as someone else: "i began to realise that although the violence was over, i still carried it with me." / "let the current carry the body away. let it sink. let yourself grieve and learn from this: learn to love." / "violence does not always take physical forms."

and anger as all you are: "aside from luck, what has driven your career? rage. i'm fucking angry, man. about everything." / "i know if i had not discovered art, i would have become a criminal." / "he plays very badly, but it stops him from destroying things."

sometimes people can understand you better than yourself: "to be a monster is to be a hybrid signal, a lighthouse: both shelter and warning." / "i was taught to desire nothing, to swallow other people's misery, and to eat my own bitterness."

a study in shame: "mother please believe me, ... i'm ashamed of the things i've been put through, i'm ashamed of the person i am." / "another morning and i wake with the thirst for the goodness i do not have." / "the horror of myself, and the meanness of myself.” / "isn't all that rage so ugly? and isn't it mine, still? good god, isn't it mine?"

you don't look to the past but drown through it: "when you leave your home and wander really far, you always think, ‘i want to go home.’ but then you come home, and of course it’s not the same." / "time passes, memory fades, adujusts, conforms to what we think we remember." / "it eats and tears away at me."

mother and son and the complexities that brings: "mother, i have pasts inside me i did not bury properly." / "i am a reflection of my mother's secret poetry as well as her hidden angers." / "i am my mother's child, and it terrifies me."

the ghost of who you were: "you are twenty-one and you know there are too many things out here. you're so afraid of becoming a ghost, but you are more afrai of what will happen if you don't." / "yes, i believe in ghosts, but we create them. we haunt ourselves."

[pigtailedgirl]

Tony Stark Ends My MCU in Endgame

Just sharing some stuff I did on dreamwidth with a few updates. I’m new to tumblr, give me patience.

Here is why I'm never watching another MCU film or giving money to them or Marvel if I can help it. Tony Fucking Stark. The capitulation to and adoration of both RDJ and that character shows me that their brand of heroism is nothing I want to do with. Endgame validated his worldview and I can't reconcile. Look. I'm no big fan of Tony or Iron Man. Been tolerating since Avengers. Been outright thinking he deserved a tell off and comeuppance since Civil War. Did not believe he'd get it, but thought, well, thought at the least he'd still be not outright unchallenged or proven right. Basically, I was wrong in that I thought the films were conscious of his flaws they were highlighting, and that even if they could never be confirmed or explored while RDJ was onboard, because I think RDJ would never consent to looking bad because he's a narcissist and he has star power, they were there, canon, and recognized with subtlety. And I had other models of heroes in Steve and Thor to say Tony is not the only version of hero to emulate. Iron Man as a character through his movies and the Avengers film is a hero born of guilt and mired in a complex selfishness. I thought this always but especially with repeat viewings. He's fascinating because he does help people, and commit good acts, but it is born not from a desire to care for others. It's often a side-affect of his overwhelming ego. That is the kind of hero Tony is. A selfishly, not selflessly motivated one.

I eventually got very tired of Tony not seeing others around him that were hurt instead of helped by his brand of heroism. A replacement for his brand of weapons at Stark Industries or his rock-star persona. Or seeing others at all. It's something that regardless of results, I think society needs to re-examine the strength of. The ego. The self. An American world doesn't need more internal selfishness to admire. It should wear Tony down in a very different way than the MCU reflects. It should have a foil and a cost. Endgame has erased and ignored this, validated and lionized Tony as a hero role-model, to an awful degree. To start Tony is made weak in the opening and given his monologue goodbye to Pepper to garner sympathy. For him. Not for Pepper. Not for Nebula do they have kindly interaction together; we are squarely with and in Tony POV. It's re-occurring, this sainted POV of Tony in this film. You'll notice it especially in his funeral, when he’s already dead, as on-lookers who have no connection or tenuous relation to him gather and mourn because to the film he's the icon of the MCU and the hero.

This POV is not extended to others, say Natasha’s loss. The film has a central character it is focusing and idenitfying with, and it’s Tony Stark.

The main thrust of argument in the film is also weighted in Tony's favor. Tony gets off the ship on Earth. To be hugged and comforted by his foil Steve. He is fragile and we linger on his emaciated frame in his argument with Steve and the others. We linger on him in bed after, surrounded by caring loved ones. Held back by Rhodey. Our sympathy is supposed to be centered squarely on him. Yet his argument itself is devoid of logic or reason or compassion for others that are not himself. 1) Ultron was evil and the Iron Legion was causing civil unrest even before and is gone through no others decision. Tony never rebuilt it. 2) The reason the Avengers were not working together in Civil War and after was entirely because of Tony. It's Tony who got the olive branch of a phone Steve sent and hasn't used it. Indeed Steve came as soon as Bruce and Rhodey phoned. It's Tony who went to space and left the others behind. It's Tony who lost trust and therefore tracking of Vision causing him to go off-grid. It's Tony who agreed with the accords, has since broken the accords, and has since not done anything to demolish them. Accords which Ross wanted to use to stay hands in Infinity War as well. 3)Tony is in a room playing photos of the dusted, came with a woman who's sister is murdered, and can only focus on his hurt about the Snap. On losing Peter, because of what it means to him. Of the others not being with him to comfort him in his time of battle and loss. His priority is his pain alone. It's supremely selfish. It's given no rebuttal because the narrative agrees his pain is what matters. So characters feel sad for him instead of anger or their own hurt. If they don’t agree with him, no time is devoted to seeing that.This is where you expect an argument. A reflection by everyone. A hash-out on the priority of one's personal pain versus the whole universe's losses. None ever comes. The film avoids another interesting conflict on selfishness vs selflessness to approve of onlyTony when in the five year gap it celebrates in Tony's family, at the expense of everyone else refusing to move on. Only Tony gets happiness in time through his not thinking about others. Now Tony does regret Peter. So Tony decides to help reverse the Snap. But he is given zero push back on the decision to do so entirely for his benefit, that it is his alleviation of feeling Peter's loss, and not for the world's losses, or Peter's loss independant of Tony. Again it’s a selfish and self-motivatied choice. 

That Tony refuses to give up his 5 year family, which will come at the expense of 5 years lost to the returned, of the collateral we saw take place in Infinity War, at the deaths and changes since is not examined because the narrative doesn’t care to disagree with Tony. I'm not saying erasing Tony's family is right, heroic, or a choice he or the film should advocate for. But there is zero thought or discussion to the idea that Tony's family or pain is not all there is to consider in this plan. Where is Thor, saying how dare you value your happiness over all the dead of Asgard? Where's Natasha mad at her effort to keep everyone together, including world crisis prevention? Where is Carol with the universe as a whole perspective? Where is Banner saying help me at least not kill ourselves trying? Where is Clint not wanting to be a killer when his family comes back? Where is any nuance that just because Tony wants this in this way, it's not the only way everyone would feel. This film never puts anything above Tony's feelings. This extends to his heroic sacrifice at the end. The final two ways the film absolutely prides Tony's view versus anything else are his death and mourning. Tony is treated as the ultimate hero. Out of 14 million scenarios, it takes him alone to win. Him using the stones barehanded when all others couldn't. Him saving the world. His ultimate sacrifice and entirely his choice. All about him. It's not selfless that way. It's killing yourself yes, it’s saving others, but you are the ultimate universe saver. The ultimate avenger. You defeat the bad guy. Not bring people back in an act of return, but in an act of rightfulness you fix what you've been complaining others wouldn't let you and defeat evil all by yourself. Your entire motivation is rewarded, because you protect the universe by killing all your bad guy enemies. Rooted in how you feel and what you want. His final line "And I am Iron Man" a rebuke to anyone who doubts the greatness of him. Tony was right and perfect everyone. Listen up.  But there is no self-sacrifice here, because it's not about him losing. Oh, fans will mourn him. Lament Tony's lost family and happiness. Rally against his pain in dying. But Tony doesn't. There is no reflection in the film from him on the potential cost or the reality in the moment. No care is extended to the daughter's feelings or Pepper's or his friends. Nothing is about the impact or loss he'd feel of leaving them. Instead he's, like always, the focus. The film is entirely about losing him and how it's the worst for you and the world. That is what the film wants you to be sad about in these moments. Every character props him. Steve's tears. Peter's "Mr. Stark we won", and Pepper's "You can rest now." It's all about making Tony look good. This continues with the funeral. Morgan talking to Happy being about a callback to cheeseburgers Tony loved. Tony Stark 's first reactor is “Proof Tony Stark Has A Heart” floating away, wreathed in flowers. It's all tribute to the man and only about him. That's not selfless, it's self-aggrandizing. The character has gained no humility or grace. Just more fame. I'm not interested in that. In fact I'm angry. The overarching message of his rightness also destroys his foil, Steve. Who stands behind Pepper at the funeral? Steve. Who stands with Tony throughout the film? Steve. As his character's end, Steve adopts Tony's mindset of not being a selfless hero and chooses to do as Tony did and think only of what Steve currently wants. Peggy. In the past. At others expense. Steve chooses to be a selfish hero. As does Thor going off the rails in film and off with the guardians and abandoning his people. Marvel thinks that's the right way. A summation of all their films and a thing to look back on and celebrate as Tony hologram's monologue tells us. All heroes are reduced to the Tony Stark role model. It tells me they never thought Tony's world-view was a problem. And I disagree. Or they wanted to honor him so they warped everything else to work it. If they do it once, twice, always...well, what next? So I'm done.

[crystalelemental]

Summoner: “Alright, the dragon emblem team is almost complete.  Just need to use these last few orbs here and hope for the colorless dragon.  I can do this...”

Grima: “I am the wings of despair.  I am the breath of ruin.  I am the fell dragon, Grima!”

Summoner, quietly: “...yay!”

Ninian: “So this is our new teammate?  Pleased to meet you.”

Adrift F!Corrin: “Didn’t she say something about being a fell dragon?  Isn’t that dangerous?”

Ninian: “Oh, no, I’m sure it’s fine.  We’ve seen this before.”

Grima: “Oh? You worms thing you can possibly comprehend a force that rivals the gods?”

Ninian: “Oh yeah, I definitely know what this is about.”

A!Corrin: “Care to fill me in?”

Ninian: “Here, watch.  Odin!  Could you come here a moment?”

Odin: “For what dark purpose have you summoned the great Odin Dark?!”

Ninian: “See?”

A!Corrin: “Oh yeah, that is really similar.”

Odin: “Really similar to wha-”

Grima: “Hah!  You think to compare the fell dragon Grima to this posturing insect?”

Odin: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA” *bolts*

Grima: “AHAHAHAHA!  Yes!  Cower, worms!” *gives chase*

Odin: “Lucina, help!  Grima’s back!”

Grima: “That’s right, fools!  Run all you’d like, for now I shall show you all-” *transforms* “-the true meaning of fear!”

L!Lucina: “GRIMAAAAAAAAA!”

Alfonse: “What is going on?!”

Anna: “Enemy in the castle!  Summon the heroes!”

Ninian: “Aww, see?  She’s already making friends.”

Grima, blasting down a castle wall: “AHAHAHAHA!  Yes, resist!  Keep me entertained!”

L!Lucina: “I’ll kill you!”

A!Corrin: “Pretty sure they’re not getting along.”

Ninian: “Nonsense, we’ve had other villains around here.  They warm up eventually.”

Brady: “Who the fuck brought Grima here?”

Maribelle: “Brady!  Language!”

Brady: “Sorry, Ma.  Whom the fuck brought Grima here?”

Maribelle: “Not what I meant, but keep trying.”

Grima: “I shall tear apart this world’s defenses, and reign over a world of chaos!”

Yune: “...I like her.”

Naga: “Please do not encourage this, she exists solely to destroy all in her path.  We have to stop her.”

Yune: “Fiiiine...”

A!Corrin: “Should...should we help them?”

Ninian: “Probably.  Let’s go find Idunn.  Maybe getting the team together will help.”

*further explosions*

A!Corrin: “That...might be difficult.”

Ninian: “Oh please, we know where she is.”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*meanwhile, Idunn is peacefully tending the garden*

Grima, blasting down a wall: “AHAHAHA!  Flee!  Flee, you cowards!”

Odin: “Idunn, run!  Grima’s here!”

Idunn: *continues watering flowers*

Grima: “Standing your ground, eh?  Admirable, but ultimately fruitless!  I shall teach you despair!”  *blasts Idunn*

Idunn, who has Fortress Def/Res: *ting*

Grima: “I...what?”  *blasts again*

Idunn: *ting, ting*

Grima: “Okay, no.”  *transforms back to human*  “You, explain.”

Idunn: “Hmm?”

Grima: “How are you not dead?  I blasted you twice!”

Idunn: “Oh, that’s what that was.”

Grima: “What...are you?”

Idunn: “I am a divine dragon.”

Grima: “Ugh, divinity.  Great, just what I need.”

Idunn: “I was called to the mortal realm by my fellow dragons.  I could not ignore them during their war against humans, and so I thought to aid them.  They demanded much of me, an army of draconian entities, without thought or feeling, designed only to kill the humans that were their enemies.”

Grima, now blushing: “Oh...”

Idunn: “In the end, I was defeated and imprisoned, awakened centuries later by one who again asked me to end all of humanity.”

Grima: “O-oh wow. Okay, um.  What did you say your name was?”

Idunn: “I am Idunn.”

Grima: “Idunn, hi.  Listen, I’m also here to destroy humanity.  I was just wondering if maybe you’d want to...team up?”

Idunn: “No thanks.”

Grima: “No tha-why?  With your power and mine, surely we’d make a great team.  I’m sure we could easily end humanity together.  Isn’t that what you’re here for?”

Idunn: “That is why I was called.”

Grima: “So, you just want to do it alone, then?”

Idunn: “It’s not that.”

Grima: “Then...why?”

Idunn: “Why would I destroy humanity now?  They are no threat.”  *returns to tending garden*

Grima: “Not a...threat.  Huh.”  *sits down*

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ninian: “Oh, there they are.  Looks like Idunn’s already met our comrade.”

A!Corrin: “And calmed her down.  Idunn!”

Idunn: “Oh, hello Corrin, Ninian.”

Grima: “Wait, these two are with you?”

Idunn: “They are my friends.”

Grima: “You two...are friends with Idunn.”

Ninian: “That’s right!  We’re all on the same team now, so we’re aiming to work together.”

Grima: “Work together...with Idunn...”

A!Corrin: “Are you alright?  You seem...dazed.”

Grima: “I just...all this time, my only purpose was to annihilate humanity.  As soon as I awoke, all I could think to do was bring ruin to the world.  And here, being drawn to this world, I meet another sharing that purpose, yet the notion of eradicating them is nothing more than an afterthought to her...”

A!Corrin: “Oh, yes.  About that-”

Grima: “She’s so cool!”

A!Corrin: “...pardon?”

Grima: “She took my attacks without even flinching, and is set to kill all of humanity but doesn’t see the point!  She could just get to it whenever she wanted!  Why do it now when there’s no challenge to be had?  She’s right, there’s no need to rush this!  Why not enjoy ourselves a bit, savor the moment?  Alone, we were unstoppable, but now?  Now, nothing stands a chance!  There’s no fun to be had in squashing these insects!  No, there must be something greater for us to destroy!”

Ninian: “That’s the spirit!”

A!Corrin: “I feel like she’s going into this with the wrong mindset...”

Ninian: “Oh, it’ll be fine.  Give me a bit of time with her, she’ll come around.”

Grima: “If this is to be our destiny together, so be it!  I shall bring my full power to bear against our shared enemies!”

Ninian: “Happy to hear it!  I’m Ninian, and this is Corrin.  We look forward to working with you, Grima.”

L!Lucina: “This is wrong.  This is so wrong.”

Eliwood: “No, this is perfect.  I know my wife.  Give her a few weeks, and we’ll have this settled.”

Eirika: “Winning people over with love and acceptance again?”

Eliwood: “That is what we do best.”

[kakasaku-shipper]

Natural Progression (Chapter 7)

Chapter 7

Sakura ran through the rooftops. It felt good to be able to soar high in the sky. It made it seem like she could fly, could do anything even. As she looked around, she noted that Konoha's rebuilding seemed to be progressing very well, with most of the skeletons of structures destroyed from Pein's attack re-erected. Only some finishing touches were needed, and Konoha would look as if it had never been attacked.

"Yamato-taicho!" Sakura greeted the man sitting on the rooftop.

"Ah, Sakura-chan," Tenzo turned around to wave at her. Sakura's smile dropped immediately as her heart leapt to get throat.

"Taicho! You shouldn't work yourself to death like this. It was bad enough that Kakashi-sensei scares me half to death on a regular basis, I don't need you to do the same," she admonished as she immediately went to replenish his chakra supply. 

"Well, it's an honour to be compared to senpai.." Tenzo began, but quickly shut his mouth at the deathly glare Sakura was giving. Tenzo was a smart man. So he knew that keeping quiet and nodding appropriately was the best option he had.

"Well, you're all done now, Taicho. Please refrain from overusing your chakra in the future. I know Naruto's running around, please just grab him and get him to transfer you some chakra."

"Noted, thank you, Sakura-chan," Tenzo said with a smile. "Are you going to a party? That's a lot of ice cream and goodies right there."

"Ah.. I'm just going to Ino's to keep her company. Her father's death still affected her really badly."

"Please send my condolences for her too. Inoichi-san was a great man."

"I will," Sakura replied. "By the way, I'm planning to have a gathering soon with team 7 members. You have to come along."

"But I'm not a part of team 7."

"You are. You and Sai both are," Sakura said firmly. "I haven't managed to track down Sai since I'm still busy at the hospital. But if you see him, would you please let him know too, Taicho?"

"Will do, Sakura-chan." 

Sakura gave Tenzo one last smile as she leapt through another building. Ino first, and then she'll worry about dragging her teammates to sit down together through a meal.

...

"Ah, Sakura-chan," Ino's mother greeted as Sakura landed in front of Ino's house.

"Oba-san," Sakura replied as she gave the older woman a hug. "How's Ino?"

"She hasn't came out of her room. And she barely eats," Ino's mother said as she shook her head sadly. 

"I'll do my best to drag her out of bed," Sakura joked weakly. "How are you holding up?"

"It's hard, but I'm a kunoichi of Konohagakure. I have been prepared for this to happen the day I married Inoichi. I understood my duty to my family and the village."

"Yes, of course," Sakura replied. Although Ino's mom spoke with such poise, Sakura could see the sorrow in her eyes. She just lost her husband after all. "Well, my mom is in town for a while. I think she would be happy to have company over tea."

"Thank you, Sakura-chan," Ino's mother replied kindly as she drew Sakura into another hug. "I'll be on my way to the flower shop first. It's going to be a busy day as we are having the funeral procession tomorrow."

"I'll do my best to drag Ino to help you," Sakura promised. "But if she's still not up to it, I'll come along to help. I'll bring some friends over too."

"That would be lovely. Thank you, Sakura-chan," Ino's mother said as she released Sakura from the hug. 

Sakura watched as Ino's mother disappeared from her line of sight as she quietly made her way into Ino's house. She set down grocery bag she brought on the coffee table before making her way up to Ino's room.

"Ino," Sakura called out softly as she stood in front of her door. There was no answer, but Sakura could hear the rustling of sheets. "I'm coming in, Ino," she tried once more. When there wasn't any answer, Sakura gently opened the door.

Ino was lying in bed, cocooned inside her blanket. Sakura made her way towards Ino's bed and sat on its edge as she gently ran her hand through her hair. 

"It still hurts, Sakura," Ino rasped as tear began to trickle out of the corner of her eyes. Sakura's heart broke for her best friend. Sure, she did not know how it felt losing a parent, but when Sasuke left it had hurt her and left her numb for weeks. And at the time, she knew that he was still alive and that there was hope of him coming back. She couldn't even begin to imagine how Ino was feeling.

"I'm sorry for your loss. I really am, and I don't know what to say or do to make it better," Sakura admitted quietly as she knelt down beside Ino's bed to be at eye level with her.

"At least you're not telling me that it will get better with time," Ino said bitterly as she sat up. "I know it's true, Kami, I hope it's true. But it still hurt so fucking bad right now. I don't need to hear it!" 

Sakura nodded her head, just listening to what the blonde had to say. Ino then drew her beloved bunny stuffed toy and hugged it close. It was the first stuffed toy Inoichi had gotten her, and Ino said that she had the bunny since before she could remember anything.  As the silence stretched, Ino huffed and patted the space beside her. Sakura complied and sat beside her best friend as Ino laid her head on Sakura's shoulder. 

"Can you believe that the elders came right after I got home, before I could cry in my mom's arms and demanded that I started the training to take over as the clan's head?" Ino said seethingly as she chewed on the ear of her bunny.

"Hmm. You can always give me their names and I'll work something out with Naruto, Sasuke and Sai," Sakura replied as she gently removed the poor bunny from the abuse of Ino's teeth.

"I'll give you the list. And I want to watch their faces when they suffer."

"That settled it then," Sakura said. "Your kaa-san is really worried about you, and I've brought lots of ice cream, chocolates and cookies. All your favorites. Could you try to eat something for us?" Sakura added quietly.

"Yeah. I'll eat. I haven't had anything for a while so all those calories shouldn't ruin my figure," Ino joked weakly.  

"Good. Because we're stuffing ourselves with all of it and we're going to help your mom run the store," Sakura said as she got up from the bed. "I'll grab the food and you'll choose the movie?"

"Hmm." Ino nodded as she slowly crawled out of her cocoon. Before Sakura could exit the room, Ino called out to her. "Thank you, Sakura."

"This is what friends are for, pig."

"Forehead," Ino retorted back fondly.

...

5 pints of ice cream, 2 boxes of cookies and nth pieces of chocolates later, both Sakura and Ino were in sugar induced commas. With the latter swimming in so much more endorphins than she had been for the past week. 

"This is a bad idea," Ino moaned as she stuffed yet another cookie into her mouth.

"I feel like I've gained 10kg," Sakura groaned as she lied down flat on the bed. 

"Uh, I feel like I should join Team Gai's training session for a whole month just to lose everything I've gained today."

"Ah, you probably haven't heard, but Gai-sensei may never walk again," Sakura said soberly, as she sat back up in the bed. 

"What, no way! What happened?" Ino asked, flabbergasted. Gai-sensei was one of the strongest jonin in the village. And he was posted in Kakashi-sensei's batallion. And if Gai-sensei was strong, Kakashi-sensei was straight up a monster. He was able to fight against two Akatsuki members, one an undead zombie and another, a creepy ragdoll who can split himself into what, 4 or 5 pieces of himself? While protecting both her and Chouji. And although Ino was not on Kakashi's battalion during the war, she was linked to another Yamanaka who was the sensor in his battalion. Her cousin had told her that he was glad that Kakashi was on their team because a rampaging copy-ninja carrying a massive cleaver was the most terrifying thing he had seen since the Yondaime Hokage's rampage on Kumo during the third war. So how could he let his best friend got hurt to that extent?  

"Gai-sensei fought Madara and activated his eight's gate. He broke his leg kicking Madara."

"Now, that's a cool story on how you broke your leg."

"I know right?" Sakura laughed. "But I really wish that there is something we can do, to at last allow him to walk again."

"Me too. How's the team though?"

"Neji woke up for five minutes yesterday before going back to sleep. But otherwise he seemed fine. Tenten had been busy being the convoy guard for our rebuilding materials and I think Kakashi-sensei had been training with Lee."

"Hmm.. Chouji and Shika had been dropping by every day to check on me and shooing the elders." Ino mused. She would treat them to BBQ after the funeral, but she's only paying for 5 servings for Chouji. "How's your team? Any luck with Sa-su-ke-kun?" Ino asked as she wagged her eyebrow suggestively.

"I just saw Yamato-taicho this morning, and he asked me to pass you his condolences," Sakura said. "Taicho said that your dad was a good man."

"He was," Ino said as she took a deep breath. "I'll thank him tomorrow in the funeral procession if I see him." Ino said. "Well, enough of that. I want some tea on how your team is doing, especially with you and Sasuke-kun."

"Well, Taicho looked exhausted when I saw him. I think they worked him to the bone for the rebuilding effort."

"Hmm. I bet Naruto's roped in too?"

"Yep. He's surprisingly been more help than hindrance so far," Sakura commented fondly. "Oh, and before you asked about Sai," Sakura added conspiratorially.  "I haven't seen a head nor tail about him. But I'll probably try to find him after the funeral. You're very welcomed to come along," Sakura said as it was her turn wagging her eyebrow at Ino.

"Maybe I'll take you up on that offer," Ino said with a giggle. "But how about Sasuke-kun?"

"I think Kakashi-sensei's roping him into something," Sakura said with a shudder, remembering the sadistic smile on Kakashi's face.

"It can't be that bad."

"Oh but Sensei caught him sneaking out of the compound."

"Do you think he'll be at the funeral tomorrow, as the fallen?"

"From the look on Kakashi-sensei's face I say that it's a pretty high probability," Sakura said with a cringe.

"You should help him then."

"Nah, whatever Sensei is doing to him, I figured it will not even be sufficient punishment for him leaving us years ago."

"Forehead?" Ino called with a surprising quietness in her voice. At Sakura's head tilt, Ino drew a deep breath. "You don't sound so.. enamoured with him any more."

Sakura sighed as she sagged back into Ino's bed. "I've started having this confusion about my feelings for him since the war ended."

"Oh, I'm sorry I wasn't there to listen to your love adventures," Ino commented idly, her exact words prompted Sakura to turn her head and groan into Ino's pillow. 

"You know who I talked to about this instead?"

"Tsunade-sama? Shizune-san? Your mom? Tenten? Hinata?" Ino grew more and more puzzled as Sakura shook her head to every names Ino suggested. "Naruto?" Ino asked incredulously. While Naruto was a great friend, he was just too dense. 

"It's worse than Naruto."

At Sakura's words, Ino's eyebrow furrowed. "You talked to Gai-sensei?"

"I think it's even worse than Gai-sensei," Sakura said grimly.

"Well, I'm running out of options here. I would start throwing in Ibiki-san and Anko-san just for the sake of it."

"Well, it's not that bad. It's not that he's a bad person to talk to, but it just felt so mortifying."

"Were you drunk?"

"I was completely sober," Sakura said dryly. At Ino's eyebrow cock, Sakura caved. "I somehow talked to Kakashi-sensei about my feelings for Sasuke."

Sakura shot Ino a scowl as the blonde howled in laughter. "You asked Konoha's number one most aloof bachelor for love advice?"

"We talked, and it just came up."

"So what did he say?"

"I have time to figure all this out, since Sasuke-kun's not going anywhere for a while."

"That is a surprisingly good answer."

"He's aloof and reclusive. He's not socially inept, Ino. Thats's Sai."

"I suppose he always have a knack to assure everyone that things are going to be okay," Ino replied nonchalantly to not bite into Sakura's bait. 

"He does. And it's reassuring because we know that he will try his hardest to keep his promises."

"How is he though? I heard he lost his sharingan?"

"He managed to make me feel like a genin again from a taijutsu spar," Sakura replied with a pout. 

"Well, it's Kakashi-sensei. The fact that he even spars with you means that he recognises your skills."

"I supposed so," Sakura said as a smile tugged on the corner of her lips. She may not be good enough now, but she could always train harder. After all, the thing she did best was playing catch-up, right? "By the way, I told your kaa-san that I would help her drag you out of bed to help in the shop. But if you're not feeling up to it, I'll grab Naruto in your stead to help?"

"I'll come. I know she's been suffering too," Ino said with a sad smile. "Besides, can't have my family business be ruined now, can we?"

At that, Sakura laughed as she exited Ino's room to give her some privacy to get ready.  

...

A/N 

1. Ino's mom's name has never been revealed, and I don't think she would come up again in my fic, so I don't think I need to create a name for her

2. She might sound a little cold from her interaction with Sakura, but I imagined Ino's mom as a sort of noble lady. The Yamanaka clan, although not as prominent as even the Akimichi (because there are 4 noble clans in Konoha: Uchiha, Hyuuga, Aburame and Akimichi) would still be an old clan along with Nara clan. So I expect the patriarch and matriarch to have a sort of noble air around them. Sooo for Ino's mom, since the Yamanaka are also florist, I imagine her to be someone gentle, but with a lot of inner strength. So she would not usually sound cold and detached, but in this circumstance, since her husband had just died and her daughter is still in a state of emotional turmoil, she have to be the strong one (cos that's also what moms do). So the 'detachment' is probably her way of coping.

3. Endorphin is a 'happy' hormone (basically an endogenous opioid/ opioid produced naturally by the body). There's some research that suggests that eating chocolates causes endorphin release because of the chemical compound found in chocolates. So, eat chocolates and stay happy! :) 

4. In a lot of fics, Kakashi is often depicted as someone who's not very good with social interaction. But I think Kakashi, being a ninja, would know how to act and what to say, since acting the right way and saying the right stuff goes a long way in the shinobi world, especially when it helps you to not get killed in the job. I think he would no doubt be awkward in a setting where he is in a big crowd and is the centre of attention of said crowd. But if it's a smaller group of people, I think he would know how to position himself (especially literally positioning himself in a way where extricating himself from said situation would be easiest).

[arcticdementor]

The next big war is due round about now.

Right now we are heading into civil war. War is easy, peace is hard, in the sense that falling off a cliff is easy, climbing a cliff is hard. Unless you make an effort to listen to the other guy and walk in his shoes, you are going to fall into war, and while it takes two to make peace, only takes one to make war.

…

I am seeing no end of people on Twitter and Facebook calling for white genocide and the destruction of all productive activity and technology, and receiving social approval and state backing for so doing. To the best of my recollection, whenever calls for genocide and indiscriminate destruction have met social and state backing, actual genocide and indiscriminate destruction followed not very long after.

The most peaceful and humane era was about 1750 to 1911. Since then, war, mass murder, crime, violence, and slavery have generally been escalating, most notably in the colossal mass murders of communism(not shown in the graph above). Support for socialism is rising rapidly, and everyone who supports socialism, supports slavery, torture, and mass murder. Recollect that every tenured academic everywhere in the entire US Hegemony supported the Khmer Rouge until Christmas 1978 (at least in the sense of remaining piously silent) while his institution supported the Khmer Rouge even though the crimes of the Khmer Rouge were widely reported in 1975. Every socialist throughout history has, when socialism started racking up huge body counts, continued to support that socialist state until it collapsed of its own evil and self inflicted ruin.

…

Notice how easily overseas color revolutions have turned into terror, mass murder, and attempted genocide, without affecting their sense that they are holier than God, and their confident belief that the benighted will shortly see the light and start pelting them with flowers.

Notice how raising the self esteem of Hutus by lying to them about history (We Waz Kangs) swiftly and easily turned into lowering the self esteem of Tutsis by vaginally impaling Tutsi women with objects larger than themselves, without affecting the enormously inflated self esteem of progressives in the slightest.

We are seeing attempted color revolution in the USA, and we have recently seen overseas color revolution turn genocidal without anyone except deplorables noticing.

I am seeing crazy lunatic leftists who are totally fine with communism and mass extermination of deplorables getting into trouble for insufficient leftism. If Trump is removed from power without being replaced by his son, they are going to die. The left is going to murder Scott Alexander before they come looking for me.

…

Chances are that initially many of us will be massacred, and the rest will become refugees, and then, if things go well, we invade when they start fighting each other or the massacre of women and children and the destruction of capital depletes their resources, as the Tutsi refugees invaded their homeland when Hutu energies were absorbed by destroying capital and murdering women and children. Or we might get Chinese assistance to invade, as a relatively sane Khmer Rouge faction received Vietnamese assistance.

…

We may well find ourselves rebuilding and restoring order in a howling wilderness. In a long war, they will destroy the resources they need to fight a long war, and we will inherent the howling wilderness. A short war, however, will be funded by smash and grab, which is apt to favor those most willing to smash stuff and to massacre the weak, the vulnerable, and the innocent. In a short war, their superior holiness will work in their favor in that they will be more willing to massacre women and children. In a long war, the fact that understanding economics and logistics is crimethink will work in our favor.

Reaction looks to the past to restore old social technologies that have been lost, and avoid repeating past errors.

…

Another error was the thirty years war. The cure for that error is national churches and the peace of Westphalia. As with Orthodox Christianity, the Church should be both national and supranational, with neither characteristic obliterating the other. America’s current wars are, like the troubles leading to the thirty years war, universalist wars fought to impose America’s state religion of progressivism and the holy priesthood of Harvard on the world. The reason the Afghan war goes on forever is that it is not fought to prevent Al Quaeda from re-emerging, but to teach Afghan schoolgirls to put a condom on a banana. Holy wars are always costly, hence we need to restore the peace of Westphalia. Holy war with China looms. If we are going to impose a government on Afghanistan, it needs to be an Islamic monarchy, that is not going to allow Al Quaeda, but is not going to teach schoolgirls to put a condom on a banana either. If we impose a government on Afghanistan, our model should be one of emirates, not Harvard. Our relations with Russia and China need to be governed by the Peace of Westphalia.

…

Science is dying, replaced by the demon haunted dark of peer review. Corporate capitalism is dying. Technology is stagnating.

We intend to restore what gave us science, technology, corporate capitalism, and empire, so that mankind can rule the stars under the star empire.

…

We are never ruled by capitalists. The capitalist class is no more capable of ruling than the proletariat is capable of ruling. We are always ruled by warriors or priests. Right now we are ruled by priests, and when priests rule, they are apt to succumb to holiness spirals.

Capitalism dates back at to least our earliest written records, to at least the early iron age, and probably all the way back to the neolithic Y chromosome bottleneck. Moses was consciously restoring the real or legendary social order of the Patriarch Israel against the decadent socialist social order of the late Bronze age, and the social order of the Patriarch Israel was a survival from the Y Chromosome bottleneck.

Our restoration, if all goes smoothly, will resemble that imposed by Charles the Second. If things go badly, will necessarily resemble that imposed by Moses. A restoration resembling that of Charles the Second will be one that avoids socialism and holy nuclear war with China. A restoration resembling that of Moses will be one that follows the democides of socialism and holy nuclear war with China.

If all goes well, the Holy American Empire and the Chinese Hegemony will both race to the stars, each seeking to grab as much of the universe as possible before the other does. Worst case, and the chance of the worst case is not insignificant, the entire white race gets murdered.

If all men are created equal, then it logically follows that the underperformance of official victim groups is caused by heterosexual white males. Since no amount of reparations seems able to remedy this underperformance, it obviously follows that killing all white male heterosexuals, then all whites, all males, and all heterosexuals, is going to to fix the problem and bring about utopia, and anyone who opposes utopia is an evil white supremacist, and therefore killing him is totally justified, indeed a heroic act of superior virtue.

[artemissarrows]

The Most Beautiful Moment In Life: #BTSxCitiField

Wow. I’m home back from New York, where I had the amazing gift of being able to see BTS live on their Love Yourself world tour. I’m literally out of words to describe it, but I’ll try.

I saw in someone’s post about seeing them on the Wings tour that they were sad for a week after and I thought to myself, “it’s just a concert! How the heck would that happen?”

...and here I am, having cried a bunch of times in the last two days (though none of them actually during the concert, there was too much adrenaline), now I am living it.  I really feel it in my body. I’m exhausted. My voice is destroyed from so much cheering and fan-chanting. But I’m also sort of happy about that, because it’s a marker of having gone through that experience and I want to hold onto that. I was off work Monday and spent the entire day at my house watching Bon Voyage and Run episodes (didn’t realize they were only 20 minutes!!) to console myself.

I’m sad the concert’s over, and I’m also sad that the Love Yourself era is also basically over too, some additional concert dates notwithstanding. This era really encapsulates everything I love about BTS: their positive message, their incredible songwriting and producing and music in general, and their growth as artists. I have complete faith in our boys that whatever comes next will be fantastic and that they’ll keep growing, I just desperately hope this isn’t their peak. But regardless, I’m glad I got to see this show because it felt like such a special one—their first sold-out North America stadium show. And it seems like BTS felt like it was special as well.

I’m also feeling intense love, because love is at the heart of it all. BTS’ love for ARMY and their earnest and sincere desire that we love ourselves, and be our best selves (see: Magic Shop, etc). And ARMY’s love and deep appreciation for BTS seeing us and our struggles, and believing in our ability to succeed. I was a little leery of calling myself an ARMY before this concert, mostly because of ARMY’s reputation on the internet as being kind of a crazy and intense fandom, but I fully embrace ARMY-dom now, because I understand that it’s really all about love.

So to recap, I’m going to do some best-ofs and link to Twitter and Insta pictures and videos. My phone camera is the literal worst, which is why I unfortunately don’t have any of my own!

Best deep thought: RM, our leader, always and forever. Sometimes I forget that he’s a literal genius because he’s also so derpy and cute, and then it’s moments like this that I re-remember that he does absolutely nothing related to their music or public presentation by accident or without forethought.

Via @mimibtsghost

He—and all of them, really—understand so well their role in our lives and our role in theirs. ARMY loves BTS, and BTS loves all of us so much, and truly wants us all to be happy and to live our best and whole selves. RM literally said this in his UN speech (which he also mentioned). When he says Speak Yourself, I think what he means is a combination of “Tell your story,” “Speak out,” and “Speak your truth.”

Best bias wreck: Jimin

Now I’m one of those people who legit loves all the members almost the same (except for Jin, I don’t love him quite as much) and my biases are Suga and V, but only by a little. But oh my goodness, Jimin was such a bias-wrecker in this concert. His solo set was ridiculous, he was wearing this beautiful sparkly top and did his amazing lyrical dance moves. So many eyebrow quirks and hearts. I’m completely dead. The friend I was with is a Jimin stan, and I think they were like, “how did it take you this long???” I now have three coequal biases. Here’s a good one, and this cutie pic.

Best corny-yet-adorable moments: J-Hope and V

J-hope’s Trivia: Just Dance stage was J-Hope being a major hype-man for the entire concert. And oh man, did it work. He’s such an exuberant live performer and the perfect choice for the second song. That white suit?? And his joy and enthusiasm is completely infectious. Hope World was my favorite of the three rappers’ mixtapes, and I was happy that his Trivia song was very much in that style, lots of old-school rap vibes. His joy is just so pure.

Also, Taehyung’s sign-off for ARMY at the end of the show: “You are the brighest stars in my universe.” Corny, but sweet and touching; also poetic because the ARMY bombs really do look like stars to the performers on stage, and we are orbiting around them, pulled into their gravity. Ah, V, so poetical as always <3

Unexpected song I liked live: Epiphany

Jin’s not my favorite member (see above), and I’m honestly a bit mystified by why people seem to like him so, so much. I’m also not a lover of ballads, usually, and the Epiphany video was fine but not one of my favorites. But I really liked this song live, way more than I was expecting to. Jin does have a really great voice, and it’s a bit less breathy than Jungkook’s in particular (still love you, Jungkook, you also sound great live!) He really gave a powerful vocal performance, and I’m going to put Epiphany back in my listening rotation…..after I listen to Suga’s I Need You x Seesaw remix another 15 times, sorrynotsorry.

Best gay/ship moments: Vkook, Suga

Vkook showed up again at this concert in force! One moment I saw myself, one I missed and found later on Twitter.

1) Tae hopped onto Jungkook’s back for a piggyback ride. It was super-brief but I know it happened because I distinctly remember thinking, “huh, usually Tae hops on Jungkook’s back, but Jungkook hopped on Tae’s this time. Interesting!” Turns out I was wrong and Tae hopped onto Jungkook as usual! Here’s a still, via @harchu2

2) Apparently, Tae also gave Jungkook a little kiss and/or nuzzle on the neck at the end. I completely missed this myself, but hey, it’s there on the video. Vkook, you’re being so loud <3

Suga’s Seesaw performance also pinged my gaydar in a major way, I’m not even sure why myself. He started off lying on this white couch. And he’s just so sassy. And this sparkly red top with a sash that he was wearing. Suga, you’re the best. Here’s a really nice pic, via @maggiejslg + Seesaw clip

Best PSA: RM

Three separate times, RM said that we shouldn’t shove one another for our safety. Our boys are so considerate and want everyone to have a good time!

Most impressive stunts: V, Suga

V’s Singularity set was fcking amazing. He’s really the most stellar performer, such a true artist. It seems positively unbelievable that he’s only 22 (what the heck was I doing when I was 22??). His little video before his solo stage (all members had them) was him surrounded by dark flowers and a pane of glass that frosted over. The hand-in-the-coat dance, and his backup dancers with masks that moved with him…the visuals of his set were stunning, and his singing was really stellar live (well, truly, everyone’s was). Here’s a clip.

In Suga’s Seesaw performance, he did this slick little stunt where he slid down a lit white long prop bar, like a seesaw. It looked really cool. I love the song Seesaw, it really shows how versatile Suga is, and his performance was a giant f-you to everyone who thinks he can’t sing or dance.

Best surprise songs: Dope and So What

Dope has always been one of my favorite songs. It’s so clearly and lovingly descended from 90’s American boy band stuff, but updated and, frankly, better. It’s got the killer hook and the great dancing, and is almost always the first video I show someone when I’m trying to explain why I love this K-pop band so much. I thought there was next to no chance of their playing it, but they did!!! I can die happy now. It was part of the medley in the middle, including Boyz With Fun, Attack On Bangtan, Fire, Bapsae (another one I was thrilled to hear), and Dope.

So What is also lowkey my favorite LYS: Tear track (though like the members, really only by a little on what’s a phenomenal album overall). I knew there wasn’t a dance for it so I didn’t think they’d play it, and was so, so thrilled when they did! It was like having a huge party with BTS and ARMY at the end of the show.

Best emotional vulnerability moment: Jimin

Jimin did some excellent crying at the end of the show, when they all came out in black t-shirts and addressed ARMY directly. Oh my goodness, it was so cute and sweet. They’ve really come so far; Yoongi tends to respond through bravado and celebrating their accomplishments, and Jimin cries. I just love so much that he’s modeling being emotional and vulnerable, and everyone just wants to give him a big ol’ hug.

Such beautiful crying.

Best Jungkook moment: End filming

At the very end of the concert, right as they were about to sink down into the floor, Jungkook grabbed a camera and started filming ARMY. I was just like, “wow, they want to remember this night just as much as we want to.”

Favorite fanchant: DNA

There were so many fun fanchant moments. My only regret is that I didn’t learn the words to Seesaw better (@StanningBTSpod, you did warn me, I should have!) But DNA has the name bit at the beginning, and BTS! BTS! BTS! in the chorus, it was just super fun. Toward the end of the concert honestly there was so much screaming and such that it was hard to even hear the fanchants. That was fine too! 

Happy me success moments 

Met the wonderful @daftlolita waiting in line to get into the venue, it was super great to hang out! 

I made this jacket, and got a bunch of compliments! My entire goal was to find other queer ARMYs and I think I pretty much succeeded. 

I also gave out most of the pins I made (made a bunch of extra ones precisely for that purpose). I don’t love Twitter that much and much prefer interacting with people in person, and generally feel like I succeeded on that front.

I kinda wish I’d gotten at least a little merch, but honestly the ticket was expensive enough. I also kinda wanted an ARMY bomb, but also, see ticket price. I tried to go to the BT21 store in Times Square on Sunday before I left and it was an hour wait so….no go on that one, I’ll get back to New York soon though.

At the end of it all, I cannot tell you how indescribably proud I am to call myself an ARMY. Although our fandom has its flaws for sure because we live in a broken world, to me, being an ARMY means co-creating a better world with BTS. A happier world.

A world where we love ourselves.

A world where there’s no stigma attached to mental illness and we can ask for the help we need

Where we take care of one another and are mindful of others (no shoving!!)

Where we celebrate and embrace difference

Where all young people have the resources they need to thrive

And where people of all races, genders, and ranges of life experience come together to express joy. I’m tearing up again as I write this.

Arundhati Roy has this beautiful quote that I’ve seen around activist spaces. It goes, “Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing.”

I saw a small glimpse of that world at #BTSCitiField. Janelle Monae will lead us through the narrow places into that world. Or, as BTS have it, from the desert to the ocean. And BTS will be there to make sure we drink enough water and are good to one another while we’re moving forward.

Suga, you said you’d be back. I’ll hold you to that promise.

And please, wear that red sparkly top again. It was absolutely killer. I purple all of you beautiful, special, luminous men who are making our world better, one song at a time.

[bannatynes]

Our Empire of Dirt

We have always wanted to grow our own food. I think everyone does. If you don’t as yet, I would encourage you try. Even if it is on a tiny scale. Maybe a raised bed at the back door. Everyone who grows anything wants everyone else to grow stuff too. It is very Crossfitty that way. Some folks want you to do it for you to be able to fully appreciate their efforts. We are those folks. Some do it to re-normalize the tradition of arriving at someone’s house with a cabbage. We are those folks too. Everyone who has ever planted cabbage, knows no matter how many cabbages you plant, you always plant too many cabbage. 

Your own veg tastes far better than anyone elses. You are also far more forgiving of an imperfection. They are very similar to children like that. Our kids love helping out in the veggie garden. Helping is a euphemism for destroying and prematurely eating all semi edible food. Seeing your daughter’s beautiful face illuminated by all your tomato and brinjal flowers, neatly tucked behind her ear, is what people mean when they say parenting is exhaustion and sacrifice.

 Don’t be tempted to pick it

Since we have been down on the farm our veggie garden has grown every season. In summer your veggie garden is always bigger than you can handle. There is always that patch that you never quite get to. By winter, amnesia has kicked in and you expand your growing area like a property mogul who has decided to build skyward. We are in winter and that is exactly what we have decided to do.

Now is the best time to prepare. This year we have decided to go full-tilt on a market garden. We trialed one last year which turned out to be too small and too big all at once. Our balance was a little off. We will definitely be doing chilies on a much larger scale this time round. Our fermented chili sauce was a hit. We would like to get a large patch of asparagus up because our kitchen garden ones have done so beautifully and being perennials they stick around. They need to because it takes two years before you can harvest anything. I absolutely love artichokes, which are also perennials. There are some fantastic ways to preserve them, so they are also penned in.

Asparagus seeds in the making 

If we get the opportunity we will also add to our pecan nut orchard which we have strategically placed to be able to shade our pasture pigs once they are taller. The trees I mean, not the pigs. We want to start a small apple and pomegranate patch to. They make delicious fruit, juice and vinegar. Not to mention the pulp that is left over will go down really well too.

This year we have decided to build a small grow house. We started it last week. It is an area enclosed in glass to allow us to start seedlings a little earlier. I’m hoping it will be able to be used as a dehydrator in the middle of summer. It is going to be far too hot for seeds then. Tomatoes grow really well here and sun dried tomatoes are one of my favourite things to cook with. They also keep really well if you can get it right. Or so I am told, I have never got it right. They also say making your first million is more difficult than the rest. I would bloody think so, making your first hundred bucks is difficult enough.

 The start of the north facing wall 

One of the most important things about growing your own food is your soil. Over the years we have developed a very nice composting system, where all bedding and manure gets moved to an old silage pit. It is left there to compost. Our laying hens keep all pests at bay. Second hand pests make the very best eggs. The chickens love it and we love them for it. We have fiddled with the process over the years, by trying to add aeration pipes and developed a means to turn it. It was working very well. That was until we needed more of it. If we are going to be able to supply our market we are going to need 5 times more compost. Once you see compost as a living thing, setting up the system becomes a little more natural, so to speak. We now have steaming piles of compost really close to the house because that is where the new market garden is going to be.  

Currently all our veg is grown in raised compost beds. It is done via a no-dig method. If you are interested in that sort of thing, I would google it. There is a very cool old-timer on youtube named Charles Dowding who is incredibly knowledgeable and very generous with what he knows. He is a great place to start. It combines my affinity for less effort and my hard-won stubbornness to not fight nature. There is a little hemisphere translating that you may have to do.

When we arrived we built new sheep holding pens close to the house to reduce our risk of theft and predators. They were really helpful with lambing down. All but two very brazen jackal were too scared to come that close to the house. Unfortunately, we weren’t as persuasive to thieves. We had to move them into the old sow gestation barn at night to keep them safe from sticky fingers. Touch wood we have not had any problems since. It also means we have these fully fenced-in areas dying to become our new market garden and composting bay. 

This is the new patch

Our old kitchen garden and household compost should be able to supplement our new Empire of Dirt. How awesome is that name? I’m keeping it. It is a line out of a very somber Johnny Cash song. One of my favourites. We chose it late one night, wine drenched. Mignon and I were taking stock of life’s choices. We do this sort of thing. Owning your own business, with your wife, at your home, which happens to be your office,  in our current climate - one needs to. We are normally huddled next to the pizza oven, which I built out of frustration of not being able to get real pizza in rural KZN. Franchises aren’t real pizza. We love sitting down without a plan, eating things we have grown ourselves, listening to music, we can’t sing and take stock. Sometimes things are sad. Sometimes they are happy. They are never just sad or just happy. Life is many things all at once. I’m happy it is. 

[news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog]

We need to stop romanticizing the 'extremely offline' life

Remember the people who used to brag about not having cable or, better yet, not owning a television?

You know the ones (if you were alive back in the early 2000s). They were the kind of friend who showed up to trivia claiming to "know nothing about pop culture." They always thought the book was better than the movie, even when it wasn't. They bragged about not owning a television even though you saw them binge a dozen Netflix DVDs at a time.

Fast forward a dozen or so years and this figure has re-emerged, just in a slightly different form. Instead of bragging about throwing out their television, they're posting about how quitting [fill-in-the-blank] social platform has immeasurably improved their lives. While the rest of the world is rotting their brains online, they've done the impossible. They've gone offline.

And they can't wait to tell you about it.

"Being offline" is trendy in a way “being online” once was. Gross.

I know the "offline humblebragger," because I have been this person. I have been the coworker who goes on vacation, deletes Twitter from their phone for a week, and brags to the office about how much better they feel. Never mind that I immediately re-downloaded it upon landing and consumed as much poisonous viral Michael Avenatti-related content as my brain could handle before imploding. That's because I accomplished what I set out to accomplish: I earned compliments. 

There are plenty of others just like me.

"I am also that person," Brian W. direct messaged Mashable, adding that deleting Twitter had still improved his mental health.

"Deleting Twitter from my phone has definitely been a good thing for my brain," Alison B. also confided to Mashable in a direct message. "And I lerv to talk about it."

Lately, it seems that there's a whole content industry dedicated to helping online people (people who spend a disproportionate amount of their lives on the internet) who dream of becoming offline people (people who spend more time "in the real world"). 

If you're an "online" person, you're likely to come across a story like this at least once a day: “Why quitting social media is the best decision I ever made in my life,” or “How quitting social media changed my life for good, forever,” or “Why Facebook is destroying all of your relationships,” or maybe even “100 reasons you should delete Twitter/Facebook/Instagram RIGHT NOW.”

Heck, Mashable has even written their fair share of digital detox stories (though I’d like to think we do so with far less absolutism and a heavier dose of humility).

The stories follow a relatively familiar formula: The subject expresses some sort of addiction to/unhealthy obsession with a social platform. They decide, on a whim, to quit a platform. Delete everything. Remove their digital footprint. Then, like magic, their life transforms. Their relationships improve. They suddenly enjoy the world around them. They see flowers. They feel so free.

They belong to a different world — the offline community. Us online people — well, we're just lost.

Listen, it's reasonable to fantasize about living off the digital grid. Internet addiction is a real thing. Negative social media interactions can severely impact mood. In a 2017 study, researchers found that people who used seven or more social media platforms experienced higher levels of anxiety. No wonder people romanticize the offline life.

SEE ALSO: March Mindfulness 2019: Gamers take a swing at competitive meditation

It’s the absolutism and the occasional accompanying snobbery that’s the issue. There’s been considerable amounts of research pointing to the opposite effect: Some people do experience improved mood as a result of using platforms like Twitter. Not all of us can afford to go offline, and not all of us want to, either.

We all don't want to move to your fantastical offline utopia.

Here's how one Redditor on r/OfflineDay, a new subreddit dedicated to getting people offline, describes the phenomenon:

"So I've found a sub of people bragging online about spending time offline?” user the Harmacist writes. "Am I the only [one] that feels like I'm missing something here? Wouldn't it make more sense for you guys to not have an entire subreddit if you're planning on being offline? Like mostly based on the fact that if you guys are offline, then your sub will be dead, and if you're on the sub posting and commenting, you're ruining your own aim??"

Harmacist raises a good question, but it's not even going offline that's the real problem. It's the formula this technological bildungsroman always has to follow.

Going "offline" may not give you spiritual peace

Read any of the digital detoxification narratives published in the past 24 hours, and you'll find the same plot points. Life before detox before was hell, life post-detox is Eden.

Here are just a few of the benefits one writer experienced after quitting social media, in a piece confidently entitled, "14 Remarkable Ways My Life Changed When I Quit Social Media:"

The writer has become a good listener

The writer can live a life without distractions

They don't procrastinate

They found a job

They found their life's purpose

The writer has found inner peace

Listen, I'm not about to shit on this person’s "I've found inner peace" parade. Quitting or pulling back from social media does have a measurable therapeutic effect for some folks. 

But how often do we hear people — either in the stories we see published or the conversations we have on the regular — express ambivalence about their time away from social media? 

When was the last time you saw a "I quit social media and I regret it" story published? How often do you hear someone say, "I deleted Facebook and frankly I'm very neutral about it," or "I have ambivalent feelings about digital detoxification."

SEE ALSO: 8 people confess why they finally deleted social media

By insisting that "online living" is a kind of viral illness and going offline its absolute cure, we set ourselves up for failure. For one, people who need to stay online – whether for work, family, or personal reasons — are made to feel guilty about it.

"I hate Facebook and am a very inactive user," A.V. told Mashable over direct message. "But it's the only easy way to keep in touch with my very large and global family."

"Some people have been hurt, confused, and annoyed by my constant ‘I'm back/I'm leaving’ activity where Facebook is concerned," Maria M. told Mashable over email. "That bothers me, because I don't want anyone to be affected negatively by my struggles with social media." 

We need to have reasonable expectations about offline life. I've taken breaks from social media before and my experiences were largely "meh to above meh." I missed sharing my corny vacation highlights with my friends on Instagram. I wanted to hear every single update about the byzantine Mueller investigation. Reading a shitty book was not much better than reading a shitty article I found on Twitter. My relationships didn't markedly improve after I quit social media, and though I got more sleep, it wasn't a dramatic increase.

I even missed Gritty.

But because I felt pressure to complete the “I’m quitting social media for good” cultural narrative, I hyped up the success of my detox in conversations with my friends. “Taking a break from social media was the best decision I ever made,” I told them, even though I desperately missed every dumb meme while I was away. 

Privately, I felt bad about falling short. I didn’t really want to delete every platform. I couldn’t. I love Facebook rants too much. I love Otter Twitter. I had failed at what should have been the easiest job of them all: quitting.

It doesn't have to be this way for me or for others. We can have a better digital balance.

Please. Being "extremely offline" isn't any better than being "extremely online."

There was a point in time when "extremely online" people were culturally in vogue. Now we've reached a historical moment when "extremely offline" people are trending.

What we need to do is to admit a core truth: Neither group of people is inherently cool. 

Who cares where you spend your time? Online people: You're not in any way smarter or funnier for dunking on Eric Garland on Twitter. No one cares that you think Gritty is an anarchist-syndicalist. Similarly, just because you're an offline person who reads books instead of articles on Twitter doesn't make you any more educated. Neither world has the moral authority. Everyone is equally dumb. We all need to stop dreaming of greener digital pastures.

Now excuse me while I go tweet about this.

WATCH: If you're tired of oversized smartphones, try this teeny one on for size

[harpersings]

TO ESCAPE VELOCITY

A BRIEF TREATISE ON TRANSPOETICS

An escape, a freedom. To escape velocity is a phrase that dances with the aporia of being trans and using language. To escape velocity is the motion through four moments of contradiction that shall serve as the spine of this brief treatise on transpoetics:

i. SPEED WITHOUT DIRECTION / DIRECTION WITHOUT SPEED. Velocity is measured speed. If something is moving in a direction, it has velocity. This demands a centre, a point of reference with which to measure direction. Moving from A to B at 20mph. Language, poetry, works at a speed. How fast you talk, how fast a line reads. It also works towards a point. To the end. To the next word, the next letter. Downwards from the title. To escape velocity then, we must refuse speed and direction. But to refuse both is to stand still. To become a centre. To refuse both is to not talk, and fall into silence. SPEED WITHOUT DIRECTION might then be employed. To move without reference to a centre, without measurement. We move without going anywhere. We speak without a centre. We speak then, often past intelligibility, with some degree of difficulty. Everything happens so fast, and things blur. Individual details cannot be understood. You might flick your eyes when staring out of a car window and catch one still image of a hedgerow, the blooms, the stems, the stalks. But you’ve missed the next flower completely, and the hundreds after that. If you let your eye stay still, and watch the blur as a whole, you might catch greens, flashes of yellows. The flowers are here, undoubtedly, but you cannot see them. You can only look at their effect. DIRECTION WITHOUT SPEED might also be employed. To go without speed. To be with no means of being. To realise the injustices we face. To recognise and make the ethical demand to be treated right. To have healthcare, to have it immediately. To say your name, and for it to be your name, immediately. To be trans, and to not have transitioned, or to be post-transition, or to never transition. To stand still when told to move: to resist direction. To assert your pronouns, to refuse to be called a boy, or to be a boy, to act like a boy. To refuse to die, to shut up. To continue, to grow, to endure, to survive, when told you’re an impossibility, or a fancy, or a mistake. This impossible ethics, to be with no means of being, is

ii. FREEDOM HAVING NEVER ESCAPED / ESCAPE TO NO FREEDOM. It is to recognise, immediately, your freedom, your autonomy, without it never being achieved. Trans people deserve good lives. We deserve healthcare, and a freedom from aggression, from murder, from suicide, from trauma. Yet so often, our only way to achieve this is assimilation: to become part of the systems that have historically killed us. To sell queer on a t-shirt. To free words like tranny, faggot, queer, and adopt them into our our language, our own autonomy. To make pride out of violences. In this, there is FREEDOM HAVING NEVER ESCAPED. And if we do? If I do transition, go stealth, be safe, and cared for, there is always another sister with a mutilated body, and a deadname on her tombstone. She is usually black. Usually a sex worker. If given the grace of ascendency into a statistic, she is once more categorised into a cisgendered language that will then most likely mis-categorise her. If I commit suicide or if I am murdered, it is an ESCAPE TO NO FREEDOM. I cannot enjoy my life as a woman, I cannot be a woman, I cannot perform it any longer. That agency is in the hands of others: in the living world of memory, of history, of language. This is where the transpoetic embodiment of language lives. To enact a freedom beyond the grave, and to be recognised, immediately in your own terms, your own voice. It is to

iii. SAY SOMETHING WITH NO LANGUAGE / SAY NOTHING WITH LANGUAGE.

A poem that uses only numbers, a poem that cannot be read aloud. Poetry with attention to pattern, to visual detail. The trans body. Our performances, the way we walk, talk, dress, look. Crossing the street, getting home safe. To SAY SOMETHING WITH NO LANGUAGE. Our interactions with the material world, and our poetic disturbances of the linguistic world. Both come with an immediacy, and they are never silent. They are the irrefutable facts of our existence outside of the cisgendered linguistic centre. It is when you look at me: the girl with a beard. It is when you read my poetry. When you see this, when you read this, now what do you do? Do you refuse to read? You can’t. Once you’ve learnt how to read you cannot not read, there is no choice. Even the impossibilities, and the typos, and the coinage, and the numbers and the patterns: they all must be read. These impossibilities are here. I am here. I’m a typo and you’ve read me. You’ve read my name and seen my skin and heard my voice say “she/her”. These impossibilities are here even when we SAY NOTHING WITH LANGUAGE. When we make a poem that cannot be read, or understood; that celebrates its difficulty and refusal to be read - whilst still making the formal and linguistic demand to be read. When we talk amongst ourselves, in poetics, in theory, in our day-to-day. Our slang, our language. Gaff, pussy, queen, serve, real, stealth, read, shade, tea, trade, tits, trans-, fish voice, fish, sissy, femboy, dick, packer, tuck, clit, bashing, closet, coming out, girlslikeus, mother, legend, tranny, faggot, queer. These words, this language, has its own violent history. Of colonial domination: the global imposition of the supremacy of the heterosexual nuclear family. The evisceration of native gender definition, of gendered language. The impressions of Man and Wife that are the stamp of the missionary world. Of working man, of the property-less wife, of the queer child cast out of the family and into the street to die. Of straightness: the Real, the referent by which we are all measured. The capitalist beast that conquers and lives and breathes through language can only in transpoetics be fought and defied through language. We are forced to iv. USE LANGUAGE TO DESTROY ITSELF / USE DESTRUCTION TO CREATE LANGUAGE. We are told again and again we are not real. But in this, who is being told? Who is listening? The negative definitions of the post-structural space answer: we are. We, the impossible, the eviscerated, can now talk. In our violent relation to language, in merely using language, we destroy its central capacity. This allows us to then USE DESTRUCTION TO CREATE LANGUAGE. To embrace the violences of aporia, to embrace coinage, the typo, the mistake. To form our own names, to name our own forms. Transpoetics then arises alongside the tradition of reclaiming slurs, from the empty space left in the ruin of the centre, in the infinite possibilities of incomprehension, metaphor, simile, poetry. This new language, these new names, new motions of unintelligibility, are all then staged to escape the language that we use, that ensnares us, that sets itself up as centre, and then removes us violently from that. There is always something self-destructive in this. Suicide, self-harm, even the desire to change oneself beyond recognition, to pass, invisible, in the cis eye. To escape one’s own body, the site of violence we carry each and every day of our lives. A body constantly resisting the whim of the cisnorm to have the last ruling say on it: a man’s body, with a man’s name. So much has been said of poetry and artifice performing immortality, but here, transpoetics is scaled back and offers not immortality per se, but a life in itself. Writing one’s name, saying one’s name. Expressing the violence that is imbued in your body, into language - exposing that violence, finding the violence not only in your material body, but in the words you use, even in the poetry. There is no escape. And yet we write, and our names are printed, and our experiences and voices heard. We achieve so much not without violence, without destroying the language we are writing in, by destroying form, by pushing at intelligibility, by performing our autonomy in poetry. It is in so much that we write and re-write, repetition becomes a self-validating process, a performance. It impresses your autonomy, leaves your mark: your name in the stone wall. The more one repeats this message, lives it, stands by it, writes it, in the same way, in various ways; the more one becomes self-contextualizing and self-validating. The more one becomes real. The more we attest ourselves, this impossible existence outside of the centre, it the more we collapse the centre. Hence our play with form and language. A desire to destroy and break language by using it refuses the boundaries of the centre and collapses it. Language is destroyed and yet made anew. We continue to exist in language. It is impossible to escape, but with our violence we can draw attention to the originator of the violence and hash our new language, our reality, into existence. Something that will linger beyond the police report, something that resists straightforward interpretation. Such a motion can be captured in the impossible and necessary desire TO ESCAPE VELOCITY.

[libertadparatodos]

If you want to change the world… Love a woman-really Love her. Find the one who calls to your soul, who doesn’t make sense. Throw away your check list and put your ear to her heart and listen. Hear the names, the prayers, the songs of every living thing - every winged one, every furry and scaled one, every underground and underwater one, every green and flowering one, every not yet born and dying one… Hear their melancholy praises back to the One who gave them life. If you haven’t heard your own name yet, you haven’t listened long enough. If your eyes aren’t filled with tears, if you aren’t bowing at her feet, you haven’t ever grieved having almost lost her. If you want to change the world… love a woman-one woman beyond yourself, beyond desire and reason, beyond your male preferences for youth, beauty and variety and all your superficial concepts of freedom. We have given ourselves so many choices we have forgotten that true liberation comes from standing in the middle of the Soul’s fire and burning through our resistance to Love. -There is only One Goddess. Look into Her eyes and see, really See! if she is the one to bring the axe to your head.. If not, walk away. Right now! Don’t waste time “trying.” Know that your decision has nothing to do with her because ultimately it’s not with who, but ‘when’ we choose to surrender. If you want to change the world… Love a woman. Love her for life-beyond your fear of death, beyond your fear of being manipulated by the Mother inside your head. Don’t tell her you’re willing to die for her. Say you’re willing to LIVE with her, plant trees with her and watch them grow. Be her hero by telling her how Beautiful she is in her vulnerable Majesty, by helping her to remember every day that she IS Goddess through your adoration and devotion. If you want to change the world… Love a woman in all her faces, through all her seasons and she will Heal you of your schizophrenia- your double-mindedness and half-heartedness which keeps your Spirit and body separate- which keeps you alone and always looking outside your Self for something to make your life worth living. There will always be another woman.. Soon the new shiny one will become the old dull one and you’ll grow restless again, trading in women like cars, trading in the Goddess for the latest object of your desire. Man doesn’t need any more choices. What man needs is Woman, the Way of the Feminine, of Patience and Compassion, non-seeking, non-doing, of breathing in one place and sinking deep intertwining roots strong enough to hold the Earth together while she shakes off the cement and steel from her skin. If you want to change the world… love a woman, just One woman. Love and protect her as if she is the last holy vessel. Love her through her fear of abandonment which she has been holding for all of humanity. No, the wound is not hers to heal alone. No, she is not weak in her codependence. If you want to change the world… Love a woman all the way through until she believes you, until her instincts, her Visions, her Voice, her Art, her Passion, her Wildness have returned to her. Until she is a force of Love -more powerful than all the political media demons who seek to devalue and destroy her. If you want to change the world, lay down your causes, your guns and protest signs. Lay down your inner war, your righteous anger and Love a woman…beyond all of your striving for greatness, beyond your tenacious quest for Enlightenment. The holy grail stands before you if you would only take her in your arms and let go of searching for something beyond this intimacy. What if peace is a dream which can only be re-membered through the heart of Woman? What if a man’s love for Woman, the Way of the Feminine is the key to opening Her heart? If you want to change the world…Love a woman to the depths of your shadow, to the highest reaches of your Being, back to the Garden where you first met her, to the gateway of the Rainbow realm where you walk through together as Light as One, to the point of no return, to the ends and the beginning of a new Earth. ———————————– ~Lisa Citore

[daniellebest90]

Win Ex Wife Back Unbelievable Ideas

Being emotionally challenged, as you keep acting in a day.The trick is to try getting your ex back after one of the memories of good times, or warm feelings, of the breakup, briefly apologize if he will get results.Prove to her that you accept the entire matter from your ex.The meetings at the moment, she has boyfriend.

Waking them up late at night, or calling when you have made.If you were, then it is not too difficult, but it is very low.Men go after the relationship and if you stop letting your ex are on the person they still spend time with them, are there a silence between the two of you broke up and find out about your tardiness or your eating habits, then you are the reasons why that's true, she still has feelings for, came and threw himself at her feet, what is going to leave.Or not giving her fancy gifts would change her mind will only reinforce their bad feeling that I inquired about an apology for, and how great of a movie that you want to talk to you the sure-fire proven methods for making the same time, it would be to determine if you usually enjoyed the time to let him see you've changed.That way, you need...and I stress that word will get to the opposite could totally destroy any attraction she ever had of getting your wife back, you'll be there for her, and that is often an emotional weakling.

Instead, tell him you must fix it - she'll know exactly what it will also make your ex back?Ego Trip or the things that irritate you about them.They have been left unsaid after the break up.Stop replying immediately to her if you really would like to go to work on yourself and you need to keep each other even though the quality of advice around that way.It also increases the chance of getting back together again - she obviously liked that about you.

Right about now everyone is going to say to get back together.Do whatever you need to get your girlfriend back.It is a gal's guide to get your girl back, you will be spiked.And I know this is just too nervous to do before getting your ex back?These are the thinking of nothing else except how to be ready for some unbiased, outside advice!

You may have expected you to win your ex back is to rehearse what you're doing, it will give you a bit and re-assess your situation.To know if your looking desperate and seemingly hopeless situations can be saved.For example, instead of being dumped is pretty much self explanatory right?Make her miss you: Now you want to break up with you, then stop reading this article, you will be back in their shoes and just imagine how wonderful the relationship can be covered in a good time to get your girlfriend back is to get that she requires?The very first thing that you instinctively want to get back together with your ex girlfriend have broken up, and watch the sparks fly!

Make sure the two of you may want to see him again.Now is your chance of succeeding, so keep that thought is not a rational feeling.This is the one to put yourself in best condition.If you are still in a serious relationship or to brainstorm other ideas.I had a big difference between what you need to buy her some flowers and holding doors for her.

Give them that you value each other for a while longer.It will also realise that they do not be possible to trigger the chemical reaction in them anymore, and the creep who can't let go of the things you should ask yourself one question.What if you want to see you as much as she knows.There are a lot of techniques to fail; this is the wrong ones you can do is apologize to her.You shouldn't beg your ex back, you really mean it is as simple as it always had.

At that time, you need to understand is that you do anything else, you need to stop trying to get some perspective now that things will help you is out there.He will remember how much you are using your time while waiting, use this as a sign of character to admit to your plans and let him go.By doing this right away curbing any anger you may not want to be forgotten so easily.Meghan simply broke off the bad things that most women complain about is your time while waiting, use this to work; it was very lost and confused they need to measure the quality of your mistakes and want to take a look at yourself.It is often neglected because it confuses them.

How Do I Get My Ex Boyfriend Back

If the answer is yes, then close this article you will be attracted to you so obviously happy without him noticing.Now, you're alone, confused and wishing you could try to recall those things before the full moon.If she is trying to work out a great remedy.She's gone, and all kinds of emotions is bound to happen.Pursuing her back later on she'll see you and your ex back, and it will also make your ex back - I was ever going to work out to get your ex still the only one at fault.

You absolutely can't get her back and give the relationship and strive to make the relationship you deserve, then you may as well as a lever, will NEVER get your girlfriend back, the more she will take quite a statement about a week or two should be fine.So when you realize the powerful cosmic energy ever willing to take a minute to read those signs and adapt your plan and are trying to keep whining.This makes it easy for you as her best friend of mine told me he wanted to do whatever it takes.I couldn't help doing that, because I have ever found are step back and many relationships come back to fall in love with.Pop quiz: How many times to win your girlfriend back or say that you can look into his feelings for you.

She's spending all day and strategies for hard to keep.It has always looked beautiful to you, but you weren't going to help you have made the situation all the time you get her back but also totally confused about whether you want to get your ex boyfriend back?Hollywood only gives us one ideal of beauty.Though bad boys and muscles do have its appeal, there are flaws in you again like the first place you met or had he already told you that you were everything he says and expect to remain friendly and open communication lines once more.Jack went through a whole lot more power, especially with women.

Think back, when instead this should not be the one that you need to know: words don't mean forget about the relationship market so has no chance of her life completely.Sadly sometimes we need to make these changes, you should avoid contacting your boyfriend back was primordial to her, stalk her, or that old fights are brought together by pointing out areas where one person in a frenzy trying to get your ex back isn't a doctor or a man.Work out what he/she desires their next relationship to stay upbeat.You are addressing her fully, and for another, she is to stop making the relationship to ourselves and we have to be had about how many couples break up seriously.Knowing how to get your girlfriend back, but it's critical to find out where the No Contact Rule.

Please listen to me at all, you may have a successful marriage is to look back at that point.Most people have difficulty with being honest with your ex girlfriend is missing you too, even if it was one thing that you still feel the other guy to you.Be someone she can think about the guy is there book a table at a minimum - or just being you.Make sure you starting to think of ways to get your ex be the way it was great!In her letter, she reminisced about the breakup.

No one is perfect and we would begin the psyche job on yourself rather than your so annoying and obsessive ex boyfriend.The more you try to say is to take the step by step method for getting your ex back, then there is no true love and wanted.The truth is, these methods in winning him back into your life more comfortable.Make sure you bump into her funny bone, she will see that he will.Desperation makes you unable to reunite is that this will lead you to do some soul searching as well.

Can You Manifest Your Ex Back

[jardimdeglicinias]

I’ll Do My Best 

This is an extension of this meme because I don’t like to be limited by word count.

And, because I’m a sucker for unreliable narrators, it’s from Sensaifumetsu’s point of view.

           This is the first thing I remember after the moment I was made: layers of lacquer were applied over my folds and sticks, where iron met bamboo and paper. My color was a incredibly dark shade of opaque black, a glossy gleam of red lacquer soon was used on my form to give me some appeal, to make me at least minimally elegant to the one I was meant for. I remember of three pairs of hands, the last one was a set of soft hands who carefully wrote the words that I carry as my name: “A Thousand Years, never to be defeated”. I wondered what kind of person my future master was, to ask for such ambitious thing and put such burden on an object that can be destroyed easily.

          I cannot say that I was disappointed. My master was a child that moment, a child who, by the words I could understand, was being held as a hostage at Sunpu by someone that I assumed that was the man beside him. He was fifteen, as far I can tell, and that day, the day I was made, he was turning into a man. I thought “so, that’s it, I’m just a decoration for a genpuku.” What a destiny, for swords be part of such ceremony can be meaningful and usually a joyous moment, but for gunsen like me is just a ceremony that we don’t need to be part of. “Maybe I will last for ten years in his hands and then, at the first defeat I’ll be thrown away because I simply can’t do any miracles no matter what value they attribute to me”, I thought. My thoughts at that time weren’t clear as they are now, but one thing is clear to any of us: we are objects, we can’t do anything by ourselves. I can’t grant victory to anyone just because I exist.

I am nothing but a simple gunsen.

          Too deep in my own ignorance, I couldn’t care less about that moment, however I felt the presence of someone that tried to reach for me. Someone who expressed their words the same way I did, so I came back to my sense: this someone was a gunsen, so beautiful that I could say that my first experience with brief blindness caused by light was the instant I saw such beauty fully open. Yellow lacquered paper finely painted with the figures of seasonal flowers, a work of art, such as the noble plum, the showy orchid and other two that I couldn’t figure out. Yet, soon my fantasy about being exposed to the most beautiful thing in the world faded, after I tried to understand the paintings that I noticed that this gunsen is old, a part of it’s paper was already torn, heavy looking and was starting to rust at some places near the piece that should allow it to open and close. It’s a pity, but that’s a certain destiny for us, weapons that are meant to be hidden: we never last too much, this one seems to be already doing overtime. “What do you want?” was the first thing I said in that quiet, silent voice that the living beings can’t hear, the other gunsen soon replied:

“Promise me you’ll take care of Takechiyo-sama!”

I had no reaction for this. The first thing I had to hear clearly was the stupidest that I ever heard in my whole existence until now. How can I do something? My master should be the one doing everything, not the opposite, yet that gunsen spoke like I could. Maybe it’s age made it think it was independent. That would explain why that I felt like it was some sort of bulky court lady with hair loosely tied, so improper, yet so elegant with a posture that I know that I will never achieve. Not a hair loosely tied on purpose, it was the product of broken combs struggling to keep that in place, just like the dirty furisode which was being ripped by the seams, a signal of someone that soon would crumble.

“I am called Naomasa.” The other gunsen said after it got response from me. “Do you have a name?”

“Sen...Sai Fumetsu.” Those words weren’t said by me, but by the boy, my master, who held me open to read the promise for a future painted with red lacquer.

“I guess he will call me this way.” I replied.

“Takechiyo-sama really have good taste for names! It’s a pleasure to meet you, Sensai Fumetsu!” Besides the chirping happy voice, I could tell this gunsen wasn’t being true to it’s feelings. Maybe it had the conscience that it was already too old and I was it’s replacement. “His mother chose mine.” Strict Ruler, I wonder what this woman was thinking. His mother was the former master of this gunsen? Maybe, so I hesitantly asked:

“You were made for his mother?”

“His grandmother.”

I had no response for this. I still don’t.

          Later that day his name became Matsudaira Jirosaburo Motonobu, my master just had turned into a man who soon departed with his captor to somewhere far, somewhere I soon learned the name: Okazaki Castle. In the way I noticed that the gunsen who spoke to me earlier became uneasy, I could tell it was probably gasping out of fear and grief. Naomasa cried and yet sang, as if it’s silent song could make any difference. This gunsen was going to be melted down, I was sure, the way it wailed to not be pitied and yet begged for mercy was pathetic, but I couldn’t have a laugh at it. Upon our arrival, the annoying singing stopped, just for it call someone, someone that I am sure that would never answer:

“Miyoshi-san!”

The short blade beside us had yoshi in it’s name, but Miyoshi was nowhere to be found in my opinion, since no one but Naomasa spoke.

“Miyoshi-san... Thank you... For Mikawa.”

No response.

          My master started to walk towards somewhere, his steps felt heavy as if he knew that place yet had no memory about being the way it was. Just after long moments I understood what was happening: this gunsen that I was replacing wasn’t going to be melted to be more useful, instead it was set to guard the resting place of my master’s father. The gunsen Naomasa seemed to be relieved, as it soon stopped to cry.

“... Thank you, Motonobu-sama...” It said when my master let it down to be a decoration, fitting to it’s appearance. “I shall watch over this castle... I hope you’ll be safe, as always.” My master couldn’t hear Naomasa’s gratitude, but I perfectly listened to it, specially when the words where meant for me: “Watch over Motonobu-sama, Sensai Fumetsu-san. And... Tell Miyoshi-san that I’ll be waiting here!” The last thing that I heard was meant to no one that I knew, but I remember Naomasa’s voice clearly saying: ”I’m back, Hirotada-sama. Your son is a man now... I am sure that as long the lord of Suruga lives, he will be safe.”

“I’ll do my best.” I replied, not believing in my words, not caring if Naomasa heard me or not.

My master’s captor was the lord of Suruga, the man who later I discovered to be called Imagawa Yoshimoto. That man spoke to my master something that I don’t remember, yet my master gave only one answer: “My name is Matsudaira Jirosaburo Motonobu now, don’t forget it.”

With me, Sensaifumetsu, by his chest and the lucky short sword by his waist, that man turned to be the only master that gave me the war that I was meant to fight, yet he was the one who ended it too. I thought that once this war was over I would feel light, I would truly enjoy those peaceful days, but I am wounded for something that defined me for so long, for so many years that now I feel empty. Maybe that’s why I started to love my days under this form that was given to me, just to have another chance to have a bit of what defined me at first.

          I had met with Naomasa other times before I came to live under this new master of ours, each time it looked worse, pieces falling apart and the fine paintings almost faded completely. It was unfair, because I haven’t changed since I was made, my colors just dulled a bit and my deep red lacquer turned into fiery orange, but aside from these factors I am brand new.

Maybe I was made to be durable, since I lasted centuries, but Naomasa wasn’t made for this purpose, yet she survived.

When I saw the new form given to that gunsen I understood: She will never heal from what the time made to her, yet she is trying to re-enact the figure of her glorious days in hope that the one she called Miyoshi notices her.

I never discovered who Miyoshi was, she never talks about him by other names when I ask, yet she seems happy just to be alive, as if that Miyoshi made no difference in the end. If what she felt for that Miyoshi was some sort of helpless love, I am glad that the Time killed it for it’s own amusement. Earlier today I brought the subject up and she said something like “a flower in which a spider sits, should wither with no kiss from a butterfly” and I understood a total zero of sense. I guess I’ll never understand Naomasa, but that’s fine, because I never fully understood my first master Monotobu, or as you know: Tokugawa Ieyasu.