#despite how bad i was at the games i died relatively few times!!!!!!!

[higgs-the-god]

major . fracture . detected .

[on-my-way-to-the-woods]

Anyway, uh, it's been busy so here is a brief (lies, it's not brief, but I promise I'm only giving the highlights) summary of the last month.

Break for very long post

The Last Month - Abridged

F & I are splitting up (sorta). The hardest one to write, but it's going up top 1. because it came first and 2. because if I don't start with it I simply won't write it out. It's been slowly moving towards this for awhile now, but it's real now. Mostly, it's a case of conflicting needs and conflicting disabilities, so it's been rough on both sides. We're still living together, and planning to continue that way (even if we weren't though, who could afford the rent?) so it's still family of a sort, but not like it was

I uncovered a major issue at work (~2 days after F had me start sleeping on the futon) and it was a mess but we got it resolved within two days

Less than an hour after finding the issue mentioned above, I got the call that the relative I was planning on visiting in a week died

I figured risking air travel was probably a bad idea. It'd probably end fine, but I've not yet been trapped somewhere with one of the worse perfumes and a metal box hundreds of feet in the air with no ability to leave for several hours seems like a poor place to risk seeing exactly how far these reactions can go. (I don't want a joint funeral, I'm not catholic). So I chose to drive through the night instead - which is also a bad idea, but what can you do? Packing with no idea about how things are going to go was it's own mess.

The drive went surprisingly well. I took as few stops as possible and I have a new odor reducing respirator that is helping a lot - so it was only a handful of reactions & I was ready to stomp them out each time (yay albuterol & xyzal). Pretty much drove straight through except for gas and a 30min catnap here and there (don't try this at home kids, I'm setting a bad example). My good friend driving-though-the-dark-alone-listening-to-a-horror-podcast kept me awake just fine (I love you Left Right Game) (but again, don't try this at home)

Did the funeral things, got super sick in the church but was alright at the other venues. I must have looked really bad in the church though because my family didn't make a single snide remark about me bringing my dog on the trip during the entire time I was there.

Helped out with moving things around the house and dispersing some possessions. I drove a bunch of clothes (fragrant 🤦 but I had them in trash bags so it was mostly okay) back with me to donate to the various queer orgs around here. They'll appreciate the old natural fiber clothes more than the goodwill where most of it was going.

Made a detour specifically to bring my dog to the Atlantic. She had a blast. Nova has now officially crossed the country (W->E and also S->N).

On the drive back I went hiking the farthest I've been from a city in a long time and I felt so fucking alive. On the one hand, stunning experience - did 7mi (11km) in snow no problem as a short hike (since I was trying to make it back to bring F to a medical appointment) and I would have stayed out all day if I could. On the other hand, it's a little concerning if the only place I feel like myself is that far away from people. I can't afford a house & land in the middle of nowhere…

Also stopped by a place we used to live and walked our old neighborhood route. Nova was excited, but confused.

Wound up in a different park after hours and it might have been haunted

Made it back the day before F's appointment. Slept. Discovered that the one provider I liked less than the others (despite them all being equally friendly) uses perfume so I've just been allergic to them instead of disliking them for no reason (I kinda suspected so, but it was proven this time)

Had a rheumatology appointment to see if they had ideas about what my issue might be. This is the first time I have seen a doctor realize what it means when I say I'm having these reactions to fragrances, you could see it play out on her face: oh shit, fragrances are everywhere. Several times throughout the appointment she'd pause as she had a thought and then ask questions that were clearly checking in on my life outside of just the symptoms (e.g. "how do you get groceries?") which is something I haven't seen since F's GP (whose interest was in public health) moved away. I think it went well. She's running the usual bloodwork, partly just to check and partly because she knows that having ruled out some things already will make it more likely for me to get care from an allergist.

Toured more houses for rent, it just made me incredibly sad. You can see traces of someone's beloved home in some of these old houses, but landlords own them now and they just don't bother. Rotting garages, fences in pieces, trash in the yard, holes in the walls, doors that can't open all the way anymore. 'Just let the tenant do the work and foot the bill, people are desperate, we can let the house rot around them while they pay for the privilege and just buy another when it pops up.' (I have feelings on the matter)

Finally got my covid & flu shots. I had timed it specifically for when our favorite pharmacist works, but I hadn't considered the holiday rush would mean they have two on duty. I instead got our least favorite pharmacist (she does not like F) and it was an impressively bad experience. Sure love it when you tell a provider something has given you side effects every time and they tell you it won't do it 🙄 /s

Rheumatology bloodwork is back, I love receiving results online. I'm very interested in what she'll say at the follow up this week. By my read (science nerd, but no relevant medical training), it's… odd. A little contradictory, but it's indicating some shit is up - however, none of the main contenders would explain my fragrance reactions.

Got to volunteer with a conservation group in a safe area for me.  Had a fantastic time, was able to be around people and move and do something productive and satisfying.  Went back again and will continue trying to do these as I can.

Went with F to her allergy appointment and, ironically, had reactions myself the entire time.  Not just in the waiting room, but everywhere in the building.  Maybe it was their disinfectant? Hoping it was just a fluke because I used to be able to go there, even while dealing with this.

My allergy appointment went poorly, there's another (long) post about it, but the gist is that I now have VCD in my chart (despite the fact he said he doesn't know what is wrong with me and said maybe I should go to Mayo Clinic) & tests he didn't mention

I am currently arguing with insurance over >$10k and I'm not having fun

[princeofpace]

feels like i died days ago in my sleep

Matt Jackson / Kenny Omega

Kenny's not exactly been himself, especially lately, and it's got Matt worried. So when Kenny reaches out to Matt to talk alone, he's eager to try to get his friend back.

TW: dubcon, drinking, vomit, manipulation, blackmail

Lately, things had been weird with Kenny. Sure they were the “bad guys”, but ever since Cody had been messing with them, he’d been something else. Maybe colder, darker, both more distant and more protective. Nick had voiced some concerns to Matt, who didn’t think much of it until his little brother did.

Normally, Kenny would spend a lot of time with the Bucks. He’d hang out with them, crack jokes, give video game recommendations to Nick and movie recommendations to Matt. Neither had been with him alone for almost two weeks now, compared to spending almost every day of the week together.

So when Kenny texted him an address to a karaoke bar he’d never gone to, with a text that read ‘I need to talk to you alone’, all Matt could assume was that it was some kind of cry for help from Kenny. Matt felt bad lying to Nick, but he didn’t want Nick to worry. He made up an excuse about a date with a girl that Cole was friends with who was still in Japan and had an interest in him. Matt knew Cole would cover for him if Nick pried, and all he had to do for that was shoot him a quick text that he was seeing Kenny alone about something serious and needed Cole to cover for him.

The thumbs up back was all he needed.

Matt went for taking a cab to the karaoke place, he found it nestled between a cafe that had closed for the night and an office building. From what he could tell, it was a karaoke bar aimed at adults more than high school students, with a flashing neon sign of a martini with an olive and a glass of beer.

He makes his way up the steps, finding Kenny sitting in the lobby. Despite it being relatively dark, Kenny was sitting there with his sunglasses. His blonde and brown curls were tied back, and he was scrolling on his phone while lounging on the couch. He puts his phone away and gets up without even turning to look at Matt, before walking over to him and pulling him in for a tight hug. Matt wraps his arms around Kenny immediately, leaning into the familiar gesture from the other man.

“What’s up man?” Matt asks as Kenny pulls away, and Matt feels himself lingering before stepping back himself.

“C’mon, let’s get a room. You eat dinner? Snacks and drinks are on me,” Kenny walks over to the counter as he speaks.

Matt pauses for a moment. “I mean, yeah I ate. You don’t have to pay for anything, Ken.”

“C’mon. Let me, my treat,” Kenny doesn’t give Matt any room to talk as he pulls out his wallet and hands his credit card over to the attendant at the counter. They exchange a few words in Japanese, and the most Matt can pick out is “two hours.” Is that how long Kenny expected this to go? He must’ve had a lot on his mind.

He was handed a key, and then the two of them made their way over to the room they were given, all the way at the end of the hall.

“You first!” Kenny sounds chipper, his voice lilting up as he opens the door and holds it open for Matt, who steps in with a smile. He takes a seat on the worn in leather couch. The room was as dimly lit as most karaoke rooms, with some LED strips around where the ceiling and the walls met, lit up in blue. The only other source of light was the bright TV screen, which had a menu up. The corresponding tablet and mics were on the black, plastic table.

“You feel like drinking?” Kenny asked.

“I could use some water—”

“I was thinking some harder stuff, actually.”

“You...Kenny, you don’t drink alcohol,” Matt is stunned. That was one of the things they bonded over.

“C’mon, you’re not scared of a little drink are you? Just one. Please, it’s a request from me.” Kenny sounded so earnest, it made Matt’s heart tight.

“...Okay, but you know I don’t like the taste, man.”

“I got us mixed drinks!” Kenny reaches over, grabbing the tablet for the karaoke machine.

“Look, Kenny, I wanted to talk…” Matt trails off as Kenny sits down next to him. His friend hums while Matt watches him, before looking up at Matt again.

“What was that?”

“Why’d you invite me here?” Matt decided to cut right to it, before he could lose his chance to. Kenny doesn’t stop his humming.

“I wanted to talk,” he says, still scrolling through the songs. “Oh man, they got some VOWWOW in here!”

“Talk about what?”

Before Kenny could answer, the phone near the door rings, and Kenny gets up. He opens the door, bowing slightly and bringing in a tray with an array of colorful drinks. Blue, green, pink, one just seemed to be a cola, at least. Maybe he could go for that.

Kenny places the tray down, sliding the blue drink and cola towards matt, and the pink and green one for himself.

“One mixed drink and one regular soft drink. I think that’s nice, right?” Kenny smiles at him as he sits back down next to him.

He stares for a moment, before smiling back.

“Yeah, I think that’s okay,” Matt picks up the cola first, sipping from the straw. There’s a slight off taste to it, and he intends on commenting on it, but Kenny starts speaking first.

“I wanted to talk. I know I’ve been pretty distant lately, with all this Cody stuff,” Kenny sighs, slumping forward. His voice has a slight tremble to it. “It’s just getting to me. I’m really worried I’m gonna lose Hangman. And he keeps going after Kota. He just won’t listen to me, even when I try to reason with him! But I realized, it’s making me put you guys at a distance. You and Nick. It’s not fair to either of you.”

Matt listens, still sipping his drink. He realizes it’s probably the alcoholic one, so he puts it down, switching his drinks. His throat feels dry and tight as Kenny speaks. The blue drink was sweet, coconut-y. He liked it.

Kenny looks at him with those blue eyes, and it makes Matt choke on his drink for a moment.

“Oh! Shit, Matt, are you okay?” He reaches over, rubbing Matt’s back. Matt sputters for a moment, coughing and clearing his throat.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m okay. Don’t worry.” Matt holds his hand up, before smiling back at Kenny. “I...look, I won’t act like I haven’t noticed how distant you’ve been, but I’m not judging Kenny, seriously. You’ve been under a lot of stress.”

Matt feels a pressure on his thigh, and looks down to find Kenny’s hand there. Matt swallows hard, reaching for his drink again and taking a few long drinks. He looks away when Kenny doesn’t say anything, and before he knows it he’s basically downed the entire thing.

He puts the glass down, and Kenny leans on Matt, and Matt feels himself starting to warm up. He wonders if he can shrug off his jacket, but it would mean moving Kenny, and he doesn’t want to move Kenny. He likes Kenny being where he is right now. Matt reaches as carefully as he can for the soda. Maybe Kenny was right, and he needed a drink or two. Matt downs the sodas in a few gulps, placing the cup down on the table hard. Kenny sits up, a goofy grin on his face.

“You okay there Matty?” He asks, and laughs when Matt lets out an involuntary whine. Matt feels his cheeks flush at Kenny’s laugh, and he leans forward into Kenny.

“I missed you, Kenny,” he begins to tear up, before shoving his own face against Kenny’s shoulder. “I missed you a lot! I was so worried! But you’re...you’re still you!”

“Matt, buddy, why wouldn’t I still be me? I know I’ve been a bit distance, but I’m every bit the same Kenny you’ve known,” Kenny’s voice is soft, and it makes Matt cry even more.

“I just. I love you man! I love you so much!”

Kenny grabs Matt by the collar of his shirt, pulling him up for a kiss. It’s perfect. Kenny’s kissing him slowly, and it feels like everything melts away. Matt’s heart skips a few beats, and he pushes himself into Kenny, arms wrapping around Kenny’s neck as they deepen the kiss. Kenny licks at Matt’s lips, and Matt opens his mouth, and the feeling of Kenny’s tongue inside his mouth makes his stomach stir. Kenny’s hands are pulling his jacket off, and sliding up his shirt. He’s whining into Kenny’s mouth as Kenny moves away to lift Matt’s shirt off of him.

Matt is more than happy to let him, his own limbs and body feeling heavy and slow. Kenny kisses down his neck and across his chest, biting into the firm muscle. Matt yelps, and Kenny pulls up. He grabs the tablet, spending a minute to randomly queue up music. It gives Matt a moment to recover some of his breath, feeling the flush across his body. His stomach feels like its burning, and he wants nothing more than Kenny right now.

Kenny is quickly back on top of him, and Matt is giving him sloppy kisses. Kenny lets him, before continuing down his chest. His breathing is hard as Kenny bites, moaning and sucking in air and yelping as Kenny bites him here and there.

Matt finds his stomach is particularly sensitive, as he whines and wriggles to try to move away from Kenny, who’s got his hips pinned down.

“Kenny…” Matt moans, and Kenny just hums a response as he begins to pull down Matt’s pants and briefs, exposing his erect dick. He feels Kenny grabbing his dick, gently, and it’s the first time anyone’s touched him like this. Sure he had a high school girlfriend, but all they did was makeout and dry hump awkwardly.

“Yeah? What’s up, Matty?” Kenny answers so innocently, while his hand keeps pumping his dick.

“That—That feels good…”

“I know, silly. It’s why I’m doing it.”

The heat built up in his stomach and there was a tension, not unlike when he would jerk off in the hotel shower by himself. He was going to come soon, embarrassingly quick, and he feels himself beginning to cry again as he does. The sensation makes his body tense as he feels thick strands of cum shooting across his chest with an intensity he’s never felt before.

The room is blaring with the sound of the back track to some J-Rock song, and Matt’s breathing.

And then there’s a flash and the sound of a phone camera going off, and Matt is far more alert than he was moments ago. Kenny is off of him, tapping away at his phone, and Matt tries to lunge for him but he’s tripping over his lowered pants and slams his face into the table.

The music begins to fade out into the next song, something much more pop-y, mixing with Kenny’s laughter. He steps back towards Matt, picking him up by his chin.

“Man, I hope that didn’t bruise there Matty,” he rubs under Matt’s left eye. “Although I’m sure you’d look gorgeous with a black eye.”

“What? Why, Kenny, delete that photo, c’mon!” Matt tries to get up, but Kenny pushes him back onto the sofa, before getting in his face. He pulls Matt’s head back by the hair.

“Because, I can’t lose you. If you leave me, what will I have, Matt? If you go, Nick goes too, and who do I have left that I can trust! Hangman’s already wavering, and I know better than to fall for that again. So I have to make sure you can’t leave. You’re not going to be able to. It’s not just a picture you know. You were so into it that I even recorded the whole thing. And with the music blaring no one will know it was me doing this to you! It’s perfect, right?”

“Y-You’re sick! What the fuck!” Matt tries to get up but he’s pushed down again.

“What are you going to do, huh? Tell the police? Who do you think NJPW will side with Matt, me or you? Who are they gonna pump money into, if this is even taken seriously by the cops? Are you going to tell our bosses? Claim I harassed you? They aren’t going to open a case with the cops, c’mon Matt,” Kenny scoffs. “No one will believe you. Look, it’s easy, your job here is easy. You keep your mouth shut, and I don’t leak these photos and ruin your career. I don’t ruin your life, and I don’t ruin the way your brother looks at you.”

Matt feels his stomach churning at the thought of Nick seeing him like that. The idea that Nick would be disgusted by him, that he wouldn’t be able to look him in the eyes, that they couldn’t ever work together again, that he’d ruin Nick’s life—

Kenny is stepping back as Matt heaves, doubling over and vomiting on himself.

“Don’t worry, I’ll pay the cleaning bill in here. And I’ll replace your clothes and shoes, I know how much you like those shoes. You have a matching pair with Nick, don’t you?” Kenny only sounds amused, his arms across his chest.

“Y-You. You’re a sick fuck.”

“And you’re never going to leave my side. I think, Matt, that it’s a very, very fair trade off.”

[showyoumyfavoriteobsession]

WELL.

I just finished my first playthrough and like. holy shit. I'm still kind of reeling bc even though I think I got a "good ending" main story-wise (destroyed the elder brain and all the tadpoles), the companions' epilogues were not as positive!

I fucked up Gale's story at some point - I was trying to romance him, but I also didn't want him to take the crown for himself, and I think I must have picked an option that backed him up at some point thinking I could convince him later. When we got to the epilogue, we just got in an argument and he stormed off to go claim godhood for himself. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ My (vague) understanding is that each companion has at least two endings? And I did quicksave during that conversation so I may go back and see what happens if I back him up - probably not the ending I was aiming for, but something different at least. I also never got his act 3 romance scene, but I'm not sure if that's because of this or because I started romancing him too late (I didn't get his act 1 scene at the party either).

*Quick edit since I just went back and loaded up that last save: there wasn't anything I could do in that conversation to change the outcome of Gale leaving. I think I must have started his stuff too late, so I couldn't get all the scenes, plus probably a few bad dialogue choices on the way. It's a shame, I really do like Gale and he has an interesting story, and that’s not the way I was hoping to end it (even if I wasn't romancing him).

I didn't actively do very much of Karlach's story (got her stabilized in act 2 and that was about it), but GOD her epilogue scene made me cry like a baby. Saying goodbye to the sun and the ocean... telling herself she did her best... 😭 I'm still feeling unwell about it.

I don't think I would have done anything different on this playthrough for Astarion (helped him kill Cazador and disrupt the ritual) but I did feel bad when he had to go scrambling away from the sunlight. I'm planning to romance him for an evil playthrough so I might just go full evil and let him complete the ritual then - we'll see.

But overall I really really loved this game! Absolutely one of the biggest, most captivating experiences I've had in a game. I understand why people are upset about the abruptness of the epilogue, but (at least for now) it really didn't bother me. I think if it were much longer, it would have felt like it was dragging, especially when you have a lot of emotional scenes one after the other - I think they erred on the correct side. The story felt so detailed and interwoven and compelling and still managed to be... manageable. Understandable and relatively easy to keep track of, despite being both sprawling and deep. The script and the acting elicited a huge amount of emotional reactions from me all the way through the game - this has taken me about a month, mostly playing a couple hours each evening, and I was still laughing at the dialogue and cringing at my bad rolls and invested in battles almost every time I booted up the game. That was a pretty cool feeling.

It's wild to me that every time I watch other people play this game, they're always finding things that I never found - there's just so. much. game. I expect any subsequent playthroughs will go a good bit faster; eventually I'll probably just watch parts that I'm curious about instead of playing through it over and over with slight changes, but I am curious to do at least one more playthrough with a very different approach to see how different the game becomes. I'm going to be thinking (and posting lol) about this for a while.

Oh! Randomly, I feel like I should mention that I played the whole game on the easiest mode and it was great. This is the first CRPG I've ever played, I have very little experience with turn-based combat or DnD, and I wanted to keep having fun! It was still plenty challenging - there were still a couple times that my whole team died, it's certainly not a story-only mode - but it ended up being perfect for my play style.

[vampire-bite]

oooh boy how about "incapable of disobeying" witb vincent/lovely?

So uh. This got real out of hand and you probably forgot you requested it but here's some really dark shit. ALSO VINCENT ISNT EVEN HERE YET HES JUST MENTIONED-

@badthingshappenbingo

Warnings: Self-Mutilation as a result of trancing, eye trauma, brief suicidal thoughts (in a "this is a fate worse than death" context), relatively graphic violence, graphic blood, no description of how their eye looks after the trauma if that's what gets you though, technically body horror, lovely gets fucked up. Adam is his own warning but he's somehow worse here.

It was the tenth day they've been gone when it happened, although Sam had only been part of the search for eight.

Vincent had damn near torn himself—and the entirety of the city—apart searching, and they could all see it wearing down on him. Any amount of hope left in his eyes flickering out and being replaced with guilt.

Even at his worst, Sam had never seen him so despondent.

And so, he found himself back at Wonderworld, searching for someone that he had never even met; someone who's probably dead by now.

He wrapped his arms around himself as he shivered from the slight chill in the air, wondering what he would do if—when—he found their body. The thought of the devastated look in Vincent's eyes caused an unwelcome pang in his heart.

Maybe it was inevitable, once Adam had gotten close to them. Maybe it was inevitable from the minute they met a vampire who didn't trance them into forgetting.

Something wavered around him, and he found himself drawn to the quietest of speaking as he felt the magic surrounding it—quieting it, maybe?—tremble.

There was a crunch he could barely hear, even with his hearing, and for some reason it made his stomach turn; the magic suddenly gave away fully just as a bloodcurdling scream rang through the air.

—

Lovely didn't know how they had survived.

Adam had taken so much of their blood, and they were sure they should've died a long time ago. They tried to tell themselves that they hadn't pissed off the universe so bad they ended up in this form of hell.

He had grown bored a few days in—or at least, they were fairly certain it was a few days—and begun using the trance for….other purposes.

At that moment, he had their own nails dug into the side of their neck. The fingers slowly dragged down to their shoulder, and they couldn't help the cry of pain that left them.

They could twitch the fingers of their other hand just slightly if they tried hard enough, and they tried to focus on that.

How he didn't have all of them under his control. How that, however small, was still theirs.

It was enough. It had to be enough.

Their bloody hand stretched out towards him without their permission, head tilting to the side slightly so that their neck was on full display. They had learned early on that this was his favorite game—the willing victim. The one who invited him in. It always made them sick to their stomach.

His fangs sunk into their shoulder despite the large cut down it, greedily drinking any of their remaining blood—they should be dead—that he could. Voice in their ear, cooing in a sickeningly sweet tone. "You know what to say, bloodbag."

And god help them, they did. They cried Vincent's name, unable to stop themselves from trying, and felt Adam grin against their skin as his came out instead.

Please, stop.....Vincent, help.

"Please, more……Adam, please."

The words, the exact opposite of what they wanted, made a broken cry leave them.

He shushes them, gripping their chin in his hand so tight that they were sure that if they lived through this—they should be dead—they'd have bruises.

"What do you say when I so generously decide to give you a break? I can keep going, if you don't appreciate my gift."

With no small amount of difficulty, they stare him straight in the eyes—knowing it doesn't matter, knowing they aren't getting out of his trance alive—and barely manage to whisper a few words out. Their voice rasped out weakly, "Fuck. You."

It takes all of their strength, but for a moment it's worth it as his face twists in indignation and rage.

For a moment.

Before they could process what was happening—the blood loss stopping their brain from fully taking the world in—he forced them onto their knees in front of them. Fingers curled around their throat as they let out a weak sob and something sharp was forced into their hand.

They couldn't even look down to see what it was. All they could do was obey as the trance forced their fingers to grip it so hard it cut into their skin.

The blood ran down their wrist, down to their elbow and dripped onto the floor. Adam didn't seem to care.

That only scared them more.

He used the grip on their throat to force their head up so they were looking at him, and a shudder went down their span as they saw the look on his face. Rage was mixed with sadistic glee.

They wondered if he was finally going to kill them. They thought that they might prefer it that way.

"That was a mistake, meat," He said, voice filled with venomous anger, "I'm going to do the favor of reminding you of your place."

As he forced their head down—not even bothering to use the trance—they found themselves face to face with a long piece of broken glass. Their stomach dropped. It was positioned directly leveled with their eye.

His next words made their breath catch in their throat. Dread filled them.

"You don't need to see what I'm going to do to you, anyway."

Without their permission, their hand plunged up, the piece of glass held tightly in it.

And all they knew was pain.

A scream ripped its way out of their throat, and it felt like something exploded out of them.

It felt like they'd been tasered.

It felt like they were dying.

It felt like that would be better.

—

They were still screaming when Sam entered the small, underground area that he hadn't even known existed.

He barely spared Adam a glance as he entered. He was non-responsive, crumpled against the wall, but he was alive.

And then Sam saw Lovely. And two thoughts hit him at the same time.

The first was that they were most definitely not human. Even from across the small room, he could feel their magic, so strong he could practically taste it—but maybe that was their blood, which filled the room and stained the walls and floors.

The second was one of complete horror as he saw the state of them. Bloody, bruised, with deep bites on their neck. His gaze raised to their face, and it only got worse.

A hand was clamped over their eye as they screamed their throat raw, blood dripping past it, mixed with tears. There was a piece of broken glass on the ground beside them, covered in fresh blood.

Holding his hands up in a surrendering, non-threatening stance, he slowly began to approach them as their screams died off into whimpers of pain. Having lost the energy and ability to scream. It didn't matter. They'd given him enough to find them.

"Lovely, right?"

Their hand snapped up and the eye he could see, the one that wasn't bleeding, widened. Stumbling away from him, they grabbed onto the glass and brandished it at him like a weapon.

It gave him a good look at their injured eye, and he sympathetically hissed in pain. Trying not to look at the horrible sight.

His gaze fell, instead, onto their other hand, which had clearly been cut from the glass. He could see the look on their face, how underneath the pain they seemed to be coming out of a daze.

Adam had tranced them into hurting themselves, he realized with a start. He had to focus on them in order to not go over and kill him himself.

He tried to keep his voice low, not wanting to scare them any further, "I'm a friend of Vincent's. We've been looking for you."

A keening cry escaped them, half pain and half desperation, and they swayed on their feet. He was getting himself ready to catch them when they darted forward into his arms.

Just barely managing to catch them before they collapsed, he subconsciously pulled them closer to himself. Blood was spilling through the front of his shirt. Their body shook as pained cries left them, intertwined with little whimpers of 'Vincent, Vincent, Vincent'.

He didn't want to imagine how it got this bad.

"I'm gonna get you to him, alright? We'll take care of you," He said, voice quiet, something protective sparking in his chest as he spoke.

With another glance towards Adam—still unconscious on the ground, though Sam could unfortunately still hear the steady beating of his heart—he stepped away from them and towards the incapacitated vampire.

He considered killing him for several long moments before deciding Lovely had probably seen enough bloodshed. Instead throwing Adam over his shoulder, he looked over at them and watched them sway for several moments.

Like their control finally broke, adrenaline wearing off, they crumpled. He once again caught them, but it was a near thing.

Standing there with Adam over one shoulder and his other arm wrapped around Lovely, Sam wondered how the hell he managed to get into this situation.

[melstanaccount]

Why I'm a Mel Stan

Thought I'd give a run-down on why I'm a Mel Stan lol (a term that is relatively new to me)!

I loved the The Last of Us, but the Part 2 resonated with me in a much deeper way. Originally, I was very much an Abby Stan. Like both Abby and Ellie, I lost someone very close to me in real life to murder and had to watch their killers escape justice, in my case because of intrenched homophobia and a morally corrupt criminal justice system.

In 2017 my little brother was pummeled into the ground by three men outside a nightclub. They kicked him, punched him, and turned bottles on him. His sin was kissing another man in front of a group of bigoted thugs. He died in hospital a few hours later and my mother died of a stress related stroke two weeks later. I was overseas at the time on a deployment and no one knew how to contact me, so I didn't find out til after they were buried.

This was a very cathartic game for me.

I very much empathise with both characters, but the more I played it and the more I came to terms with my own life and loss, the faster my love of them waned. Vengeance isn't justice (even in the apocalypse) and both characters went through a comprehensive arc and I think they both realised this by the end of the game. Of the two player characters, I'll probably always empathise with Abby more as she repeatedly tried to make good and atone in a much more concerted way than Ellie.

Part 2 is full of rich and beautiful characters. In particular Dina is fantastic, Lev and Yara are exceptionally brave, and Owen is a kind and gentle soul (if a bit thoughtless). I always felt for Mel, even in my very first play-through. She spent the whole game putting aside what she needed/wanted to help/please other people and getting treated kind of poorly for it and then dies pregnant and terrified (which as a dad, repeatedly hit me right in the gut)

Then I read a lot of pretty un-nuanced discourse. Mel bad because she called Abby a POS. Yes, she could have directed more anger at Owen (and she eventually did), but it's also worth bearing in mind that Mel does not have the knowledge about Abby's motives and her development as a character that we the player do, and Abby was meant to be her friend.

Mel probably wanted Joel brought to 'justice' for her own reasons. She was Jerry's student and probably pretty close to the man. She was also close with Abby and probably wanted it for her as well. You can see how uncomfortable she is with what actually happens to Joel in her body language, facial expressions and her hesitation to apply the tourniquet (more on this in the link below). She says in the game that Jackson shook her. Violence of that level has a tendency to do that to all involved (Abby is clearly no exception).

On their way to the FOB, Mel extends an olive branch to her friend, who she's avoiding and tries to reconnect. She knows Abby is suffering as well, offers her sleeping pills and tries to share that trauma with Abby. Abby takes that attempt as an attack and responds pretty snidely (have a look back at that scene, they both have amazing actresses behind them and the way Mel kind of crumples emotionally is pretty sad).

Below is a bit of an analysis of this conversation from reddit user BrennanSpeaks

Then Owen and Abby both go AWOL on the same day, Mel loyal to her friends, doesn't give them up, despite Isaac being pretty hard on her according to Nora and goes after Owen, through a dangerous city with only Alice for company. Then she finds Abby there as well, with a couple of seraphite kids (remember the day prior, Abby saying she was A-ok with murdering Seraphite kids), in a place she thought was Owen and hers. With the incomplete information she had, her mind goes in a certain direction - Abby is only helping these kids, to appeal to Owen's gentle side and get back with him. It's a bit of a stretch from the player's perspective, but Mel has every reason to think the worst of Abby.

It's also worth bearing in mind what Nora tells Abby at the hospital. When Abby left the FOB, Isaac interrogated them about where Abby and Owen went, and says that Isaac was particularly rough with Mel and we know that Isaac is a bit of a psycho. Mel didn't give them up. Now she’s left the FOB, and like Abby and Owen, is now a deserter, and the WLF do not take kindly to deserters as we learn. So she’s in an incredibly vulnerable position, she’s not a fighter like Abby, she’s a tiny little heavily pregnant doctor, and she’s kind of at Abby and Owens mercy. Not a comfortable position for her to be in. To top all that of, Owen has been ghosting her for weeks, on Seattle day 1 she mentions he hasn’t even seen their new quarters in the family section and seems genuinely stressed out about this when she asks Abby if she’s talked to him.

But she puts that aside to help Yara (a Scar, who she is meant to hate, but doesn't, as like good boy Owen, she seems a lot less tribal). But all that hurt she's bottling up finally boils over and she directs it at Abby first, a big personality who until now she's seemed reluctant to confront. To her credit, Abby actually takes it on the chin, maybe realising that she had kind of been a shitty friend, despite the fact that she doesn't really deserve to be the entire focus of Mel's ire (she still very much cares for Mel I think and tells Owen to get his priorities straight).

And the whole you've always been a piece of shit thing I'm going to put down to the heat of the moment.

To be clear. Mel has misread the situation, Abby is becoming a better person than Mel knows.

I don't think any of that warrants the dislike she seems to get.

Then there's the No Loose Ends thing. Not her finest hour, but she has just witnessed what awful things people will do in the name of vengeance and does not want that for her, her loved ones and her unborn child.

Again, don't think this means she deserves to be a D or E on all those character tier list things people make.

Then there's the She Was Going To Give Abby Up thing and yeah, she was terrified, didn't want to die and wanted to save herself, the man she loved and their unborn child from the person who was pointing a gun at them. Owen should have let her, it probably wouldn't have helped Ellie find Abby at all.

So basically the more I played the game, the more I thought she was one of the best human beings in it. She wanted to keep her loved ones safe and she wanted to be a mother, but was fearful for what that would look like in the world she lived in.

I also see reflected in her character a lot of someone who is very near and dear to me: She's got a low bullshit tolerance, but is very bad at confrontation so bottles it up. She seems to be one of the most empathetic and kindhearted characters in the game. From her bodily language and mannerisms I always got the impression that she has crippling anxiety and as mentioned before, she always seemed to put other people first. She loves dogs, and kids, and making use of her surgical skills to help people. She's just a wholesome little bean.

I also tend to favour the underdog, so given there are so few Mel Stans in the fandom I thought I might as well be.

Naughty Dog are geniuses.

Apologies if that was an incoherent mess. As always I blame the fact that English isn't my mother tongue.

P.S.

I see a lot of people hating on her for getting in that truck with Manny and Abby. Here's what I say to that. Pay attention to the context and what everyone says. They're not going out to fight Scars, they're travelling along what is deemed a very safe route, to a heavily fortified Forward Operation Base (FOB) where Mel will be working as a surgeon. That FOB has huge walls and hundreds of soldiers. It's a safe place. There are also wounded WLF soldiers pouring in, so it's understandable that Mel, a talented surgeon, is going there. She's literally commuting to work. When they get ambushed, she fights, because she has to.

People have weird hang-ups when it comes to pregnant women. They're allowed to live their lives, do their jobs, contribute, etc. You can't lock someone up and wrap them in cotton wool for nine months, especially when it's the apocalypse and they're a talented surgeon.

P.S.S,

Please enjoy this REALLY good and probably more articulate essay from Brennanspeak:

Long story short, Mel is a very underrated character. We're primed to dislike her in-game because she's practically always an antagonist to our player-character - whether we're playing as Ellie or Abby, Mel's motivations will clash with "ours" in some way, shape, or form. But, her actions were absolutely understandable.

First off, she was Jerry Anderson's student. It's clear that his mentorship meant a lot to her. In some ways, she might have known him better than Abby did, because she related to him as one adult to another. He was her Obi-Wan, and then he was murdered, and she had all the reason in the world to be angry.

She and Abby were very close, once upon a time. She writes a letter to Abby (found in Abby's backpack in "The Park") where she thanks Abby for her help in arranging her mentorship with Jerry. She even suggests they go get drunk together to celebrate. She had reason to want to support Abby's revenge quest.

When it actually happens, it doesn't go like she expected. She doesn't get any catharsis from it. Abby coerces her into participating in torture, which she's never done before and never intended to do. She's so shaken that she can't watch for most of it - she and Owen leave the room. As Manny later points out, she's never hurt anyone like that before, and Abby almost forces her into it.

Because Mel understands just how fucked up their torture of Joel is, she's able to see Ellie with clearer eyes. She realizes that the wolves absolutely are not the heroes, here, and that Ellie, or anyone from Jackson, would have ample reason to want to track them down and make them pay. Abby (and Owen) don't really understand the threat that Ellie poses to them because it never occurs to them that someone would love Joel enough to avenge him. No one mourns the wicked, right? But, Mel couldn't help but see him as human, so she recognizes Ellie (and Tommy) as people who loved him. And, then, the ruthless, survival oriented part of her brain kicks in and she recognizes these "loose ends" for the threat that they are.

When we see her through Abby's eyes, much later, we see the toll that Jackson took on her. Mel's anger towards Abby is simmering but constantly stifled. She doesn't feel confident enough to confront a strong personality like Abby's and tell her that she was wrong. So, she tries to find subtle, non-confrontational ways of expressing how she feels. "I guess Jackson shook me, too." Abby is dealing with her own repressed guilt and doesn't appreciate this mirror being held up to her actions, so she lashes out, and the distance between them grows. Mel is feeling this intense conflict between her ideals as a medic and the actions that she's participated in - or been goaded into. She had lots of reasons to believe the worst of Abby.

Meanwhile, because Girlfriend just can't catch a break, she's in love with (and pregnant with) a guy who just can't love her back. We don't know why Mel and Owen got together, but it probably had something to do with Owen looking for something brighter and more innocent after seeing the growing darkness in Abby. But, he's still in love with Abby, and he can't let that go, even after more than a year with Mel. And now they're pregnant, and Mel is ready to just settle down, establish a family, and maybe move on from violence. But, Owen isn't on board. He ghosts her for weeks, so she can't even plan for what their life together will look like.

And now, suddenly, things are happening. Maybe Mel was "Melissa" and was considering leaving with Ji-Soo, maybe not, but once Owen is AWOL, her priorities shift. She sets off alone, accompanied only by her dog, and follows him deep into hostile territory, finds a way to get to him . . . and finds him post-coital and expecting Abby. Now, she's been betrayed by both the man she loves and the girl who used to be her friend. She had every reason to believe the worst of Abby and to look for a cynical motive in her every action. Abby had treated her like shit, so it was totally reasonable for her to see Abby as a piece of shit.

The real tragedy of Mel is her last moments. Owen uses their relationship to try to pressure her into risking her life on a suicide mission to the island. She puts her foot down and finally stands up for herself, at which point he promptly dumps her, telling her to "go back," as if she could just waltz back into the FOB after going AWOL for him. A moment later, Ellie confronts her - a living reminder of the worst thing she's ever done. She wants to bargain with her - to give up Abby, the toxic influence on her life, in exchange for just survival and escape for her and her baby, but she's thwarted by Owen. In the end, he'd rather put her and their child in mortal peril than risk any harm befalling Abby, no matter how unlikely it is that Ellie could have found her. Owen escalates things and gets himself shot and Mel, trying to defend or avenge him, dies too.

tl;dr: Mel gets screwed over more than any other character in the franchise. Meanwhile, she shows more moral fiber than most, but she's ultimately punished for doing what she needed to do from the start: standing up to the people in her life when they try to control her.

This concludes my TED talk; subscribe to my fanfic for more.

[ravennm84]

Serafina

Part 2     Part 3

Based on @unmaskedagain post “Marinette’s Haunted Doll” this is my take on the story and the kind of things Serafina would have done to get even. There’ll be three parts, and will hopefully be posted through the week. Blood, gore, and character death ahead. You have been warned.

She was seven years old when her Grandma Gina’s sister, Ramona, passed away. Marinette couldn’t remember ever meeting her. Her dad said that she was a very private person and didn’t get out much. Since she had never married or had any children, all of her relatives were asked to come over to the house and divide the property before the rest was sold and equally divided. 

While her parents had been in the kitchen, looking over some family cook books, Marinette had wandered around the old house until she came to a small room. It was full of spiderwebs and old toys, which greatly interested her. She spent a long time looking through the boxes and shelves until she found a locked chest in the closet. Remembering the key she had seen in a dresser drawer, she retrieved it to see if it worked. It was hard to turn, but she heard the click and was able to open the lid. Inside was a box with an envelope laying on top of it. Curious she opened the envelope and read the note as best as she could.

“If I’m dead, Serafina killed me.”

Tilting her head in curiosity, Marinette set the letter aside and opened the box. Inside was an old looking porcelain doll. It was covered in spiderwebs, the dress was old and ripped, she was missing a shoe, and the hat looked like it was stained with red paint. 

“Are you Serafina?” She asked the doll before carefully lifting it out of the box. “I don’t think you’re bad, you just look lonely. But don’t worry, I’ll take care of you!” Giving the doll a gentle hug, the little girl got to her feet and left the room and letter behind. Finding her parents, she asked if it was okay to take the doll home so she could take care of her.

Tom remembered seeing that doll when he was a kid and had always thought it was creepy, but if his little girl saw the good in it, he would trust her. And since none of the other relatives wanted anything to do with the doll, it came home with them. 

Once home, the little girl raced up to her room with the doll and immediately got to work. She threw away the old dress, hat, and shoe before cleaning away all the dirt with a washcloth and carefully combing out the knotted hair. Then Marinette got to work on making Serafina a brand new outfit with new shoes and a hat. It took a few days, but she was really happy with what she came up with: a pink Victorian dress with rose and pearl accents, a wide brimmed hat with maroon feathers, and maroon slippers that tied with ribbons around the ankles.

Proud of what she had made, Marinette held the doll up high as she twirled around her room. She had been interested in fashion and clothes for months now, and making the pretty outfit for Serafina was a lot of fun. If anything, it proved to her that fashion design was what she wanted to do.

“I hope you like your new clothes, Serafina. You make the perfect little model, so I hope you don’t mind if I make more clothes for you later on. I promise to only make you clothes that will make you feel pretty.” Giving the doll a kiss, Marinette placed her next to her computer before skipping down stairs for dinner.

~oOo~

Serafina had not been expecting this when the young girl, Marinette, had opened her box. It had been decades since anyone had shown her any kindness. For so many years, she had been passed from person to person, shoved into boxes and hidden from sight or attempted to be sold off. Serafina had had no choice but to punish many of her past owners, and she had not been lax with their punishments. 

But she didn’t feel the need to do that with Marinette, this girl was different. She wasn’t afraid of her. She didn’t scorn her and hide her away where no one could see her. No, this girl was kind and made Serafina feel loved; something she hadn’t felt in nearly a hundred years. Staying with Marinette, she knew that she would be happy. So, no one needed to die here.

And she was.

The porcelain doll smiled quietly on Marinette’s desk as the years passed, and felt more for this girl than she could remember with anyone else. She felt beautiful whenever Marinette used her to experiment with a new outfit before she would make a full sized outfit for herself. She had fun when the girl would sing and dance around the room, sometimes even picking her up so she could dance with her. She felt entertained when she would play movies on her computer, one time watching a movie about a haunted doll like herself; they didn’t watch much before she turned it off, but Serafina thought it was funny. Scratching people and leaving notes wasn’t scary, she had done much scarier things than that.

As Marinette grew into a teen, Serafina felt proud as she grew from a shy girl into a fearless superhero. Her owner had a lot of love and light to give, so it made sense to her that she became Ladybug. She also felt scared for the girl, not wanting to lose her to Hawkmoth, but silently promised her that if she was ever hurt, the people who hurt her would pay her back in blood.

Serafina was also aware of the tiny god that gave Marinette her power, just as Tikki was aware of her. No doubt, the god could sense the darkness that dwelled in her porcelain body, but realized that she cared for the girl and would not harm her. So the little god wisely said nothing, she would hate it if Marinette suddenly feared her.

After all, the three of them were happy and at peace.

Until the day Marinette came storming into her room, complaining about a girl named Lila. From what she could hear, this girl was a liar and was using her friends. Knowing how much her human cared for other people, that didn’t sit well with how it would affect her. Then she didn’t hear anything about the girl for months. But when she was mentioned again, it quickly got worse from there. 

Serafina heard about the threats, the lies, almost being akumatized, her crush Adrien telling her to take the high road, all of it. She watched as one by one, her friends turned against her. Bullying her while accusing her of being a bully until only three of her classmates remained. She knew that the teacher and principal were useless and even accused Marinette of being a problem, especially after the expulsion. Serafina had nearly enacted her revenge that day, but held back when she was reinstated the next day.

Nathaniel, Rose, and Juleka were the only people left that believed her or even bothered to try and help in her class. There was also Kagami and Luka, Juleka’s brother. Serafina would admit, that boy was sharper than most. When he first saw her, his blue eyes studied her intently for a long moment until Marinette spoke up.

“That’s Serafina, she’s been passed down through my family for a long time. She was in really bad condition when I got her and took a lot of work to get her fixed up, but it was worth it. She was my first ever model and I’ve never felt lonely since she’s been around.”

Luka looked back over at the doll and gave her a smile. “I can tell, I’d bet no one gave her the proper love or attention until she came to you. And I think, if she could talk, she would say that you kept her from feeling lonely too, and all she wants is for you to be happy.”

Serafina liked that boy, a lot more than she had liked Adrien when he had come to play video games. The boy genuinely seemed to care for Marinette. And even though he could somehow sense that she was more than just a doll, he didn’t spill her secret. Yes, she approved of this one.

And then, less than a week after she returned to school, came the worst day. They were taking pictures at the school and Marinette had worked so hard on a new dress; it was pale purple cotton with teacup sleeves, a tulip skirt and pink lace at the hem. It was so sweet and looked like she was going to a spring tea party. Then half way through the day, she came into her room crying. Her makeup was smeared, there were bruises and scratch marks on her arms, another bruise on her cheek, her hair was a mess and covered in dark blue paint. The same paint that covered almost half of the dress. Tikki was doing her best to comfort the girl as she showered. Marinette was unable to save her dress and ended up throwing it away before she cried herself to sleep on her bed. 

Serafina was angry, the kind of anger she hadn’t felt since Ramona had attempted to burn her in the fireplace… and that hadn’t gone well for her. Tikki flew over to face her. “I know what you’re thinking and I can’t condone you falling into old habits and killing her entire class. Despite how much they’ve hurt her, it would still break her heart if they all suddenly died.”

The doll actually considered that for a moment before picturing some very specific people. Lila, the liar that was trying to take away/destroy the person she cared about. Alya, the best friend that betrayed her, acted like a hypocrite, and took joy in hurting her. Adrien, the boy that not only broke his promise to help her as a civilian, but continually harassed her as a pseudo-hero. And finally, Hawkmoth, the person that was constantly putting her in danger. Everyone else that had harmed her would be punished, paying back the harm they had done to Marinette in blood, but those four would pay with their lives.

Tikki shook her head. “As angry as I am with Adrien, you can’t kill him. Marinette still has feelings for him and if he dies, she might never get over him. I can’t stop you from punishing them, but please try not to kill them. You know that she has a big heart and it would hurt her to lose any of them, so please keep that in mind.”

Serafina would have argued, but the little god was right. Killing around Marinette would only upset her. So she would do her best to punish them without killing them… although, accidents do happen. 

~oOo~

It was easy enough to sneak herself into Marinette’s bag the next day of school. It was even easier to select her first victims. One of her classmates, Kim, stole her backpack and dumped out all of her stuff, including her. The boy laughed about Marinette bringing a doll to school as he ran up the stairs to keep it away from her. It took little effort to make the boy trip, in full view of everyone that had been watching, and fall backwards down the steps. 

Serafina had landed at the top landing with a perfect view of the boy’s tumble, and it was oh so satisfying. She could see his knee bent in the wrong direction, a bone in his arm protruding from the skin, and blood dripping from the cuts and open wounds. But the sound was even better, all the cracking and popping of bone before he began crying like a little girl, begging for his mom.  Ah, she hadn’t realized how much she had missed those sounds.

When the principal came out to see what was happening, she hid her presence and let the principal trip over her and fall as well. He even landed on Kim, causing more injuries to both of them. She held back a laugh as the grown man wailed and cried until the paramedics arrived. Loading the two into the ambulance while one of the teachers called the Board of Governors. A representative, M. Rupere, quickly came to take over the principal’s duties while he was gone, and was surprised when a bunch of students tried to blame Marinette for the incident.

“And how is it her fault?” He asked the students that surrounded him. “Did you see her push or trip M. Le Chien or M. Damocles down the stairs?

“Marinette brought in a doll and Kim was distracted by it when he was going up the stairs, that’s how he tripped and fell,” Lila told him with tears in her eyes. “Then M. Damocles tripped over the doll and fell down the stairs too. It’s just like how she pushed me down the stairs last week and I hurt my knee. I think she’s actually trying to hurt people.”

The man looked at Lila for a moment before looking to the top of the stairs, but there was no doll there. Then he looked back at Lila with a stern glare. “Young lady, if you had been pushed down the stairs last week, you would have been severely injured just like your friend or M. Damocles. And whether or not it was Mlle. Dupain-Cheng’s doll that caused the incident or not, does not mean that she is at fault for the accident. To the principal’s office, right now. I think we should have a discussion as to why you are trying to blame another student for something she did not do.”

Totally shocked, the girl looked around to her followers for some support, but they were now looking at her with uncertainty. They had just seen two people fall down the stairs and receive severe injuries, so how was Lila walking around just fine without a scratch on her? Huffing in annoyance, Lila stomped her way to the office while the class stared after her, most of them noticing the lack of limp to her walk.

Serafina was pleased with how this was turning out, she had already punished two of the people that had betrayed Marinette and had begun sewing seeds of doubt with the liar. At the moment, she was hiding in the classroom, observing everyone so she could figure out the best way to punish them. She noticed Rose, Juleka, and Nathaniel sitting close to the girl and doing their best to comfort her. She also noticed Nino, a boy she had seen a couple of times over the years, casting looks back at Marinette. 

During the first break, the boy cautiously approached her, clutching his hat in his hands. “Hey dudette, listen… I, um, wanted to say I was sorry,” he said, having a hard time looking her in the eye. “After Kim fell, what that Governor dude said about Lila not being hurt, and the fact that I’ve known you forever. I felt so stupid. You would never push someone down the stairs or cheat or steal from someone like that. And I tried looking up Jagged’s discography to see if there was any mention of a song about Lila, and there was literally nothing. I tried telling Alya, but she didn’t want to listen and-”

Nino was interrupted by Marinette giving him a hug. Serafina smiled at that. The boy had thought for himself and admitted that he was wrong. He apologized and Marinette was willing to offer him forgiveness. She supposed that Nino could also be exempt from punishment, so long as he never betrayed the girl again.

Half way through the second lesson, Lila had returned to the class with two weeks worth of detention and had a meeting scheduled with herself, M. Rupere, and her mother at the end of the week. Serafina decided to let the girl’s empire fall before going in to completely destroy her.

During lunch, when all the students had left. Serafina got to work on punishing Mme. Bustier. She started by slamming the door shut, it made the woman jump and look around the room, but there was no one there. Then the giggling started, causing her to look around the room again. This time, she walked up the steps to see if anyone was hiding in the room, but she was completely alone. When she turned back to her desk, the papers she had been grading were torn to pieces. A bit panicked, Bustier tried to run out of the room, but the door was locked. As she struggled with the door, she heard the scraping of chalk and froze for a moment before looking at the board. Large words were scrawled in block letters: LIAR, ENABLER, MEAN, CRUEL, and the most frightening of all, YOU WILL PAY.

Bustier’s hands were shaking as she erased the words from the board, not understanding what was happening. Only taking a breath when the door opened and her students began to file in. Serafina quietly laughed at the teacher’s fear, she was another person that she would take her time in punishing. Payback for failing to help Marinette. For now, it was time to take out her biggest supporter. 

Again, it was much easier than it should have been to sneak herself in Alya’s backpack and go home with her. When the girl found her she sneered. “The klutz must have put you in my bag by mistake.” Then she smiled cruelly at her. “I think I’ll give you to Etta and Ella to play with before giving you back to Maribrat, maybe tell them that you need a makeover and give them some permanent markers too.”

Turning to take the doll out to her sisters, she stubbed her toe on her desk chair hard enough that she felt a crack and dropped back on her butt while hissing in pain. When she was finally able to think past the pain, she realized that she had dropped the doll and didn't see it on the floor. After wrapping her foot, she looked all over her room but couldn’t find it anywhere.

That night, things got… more than scary. Alya was absolutely terrified.

First, her computer turned on, on its own, and started printing off papers saying “YOU KNOW THE TRUTH”. She turned the computer off, only for it to turn back on after she’d climbed into bed and the browser pulled up past searches; specifically, the searches that proved that Lila had been lying. She had found that out after Lila had disappeared from school for months, but had kept to herself so she wouldn’t lose her credibility on her blog or have to admit to Marinette that she’d been right. Turning it off again, she’d decided to sleep on the couch when her phone suddenly let out a hiss and burst into flames.  

Letting out a shriek, Alya rushed to her door, and had just barely opened it when it slammed shut on her fingers, causing her to scream as she struggled to pull her hand free. She could hear her parents and Nora shouting on the other side of the door, trying to push it open, but it wouldn’t budge. Her head got fuzzy and she suddenly felt cold, she realized that she was going into shock. Her parents’ shouts became garbled background noise and Alya heard the sound of tiny feet running around the room. She tried reaching the light switch so she could see, but it was out of reach.

From the light outside her window, she could barely make out the movement of a small shadow, moving from one part of the room to another. Coming closer and closer to her with every sweep. Alya began tugging harder on the doorknob and her hand. She needed to get out. Something was in the room with her. She could almost feel the darkness creeping closer. It wanted to hurt her!

What happened next, Serafina couldn’t have planned better if she’d tried. Alya jerked back her trapped arm and the doorknob at the same time Nora threw her shoulder into the door as hard as she could. Sending the teenagers flying into her bedside table and her head hitting the corner with an audible *crack*. The doll smiled silently in the corner of the room as the paramedics were called and listened to her parents cries for their horrid daughter to wake up. They called time of death at 2:03am.

~oOo~

It was a bit more of a chore for Serafina to get back to the school, but it was still manageable as her mother had to inform the school of her daughter’s death and pick up her things. The woman had also noticed the information that had been brought up on Alya’s computer and thought that she had been up late chasing a lead. And as the lead had to do with the disturbing behavior of one of her daughter’s classmates, she thought it best to show the acting principal the information before taking her leave. 

Making her way back to the classroom, she saw that the news had spread already. Nino seemed to be hit the hardest, as it was his girlfriend, but he would get over it. Kim was still out of class, and likely would be for a few more days. Tikki saw the doll when she was peeking out of the purse and gave her a disapproving glare, but there was nothing she could do. And in Serafina’s defense, she had only intended on maiming the failed journalist, her death had been an “accident”.

When class let out for lunch, Serafina got back to work tormenting Mme. Bustier. Today, the door slammed and locked shut a few minutes after the last student left. The woman shrieked and was struggling to open the door when the giggling started again. Bustier started screaming for it to “go away” but the giggling continued. Turning back to the door, books began flying at her from all over the room, hitting her chest, back, arms since they were shielding her head.

Then the door opened to show a panicked looking M. Rupere. “I heard screaming, are you alright?” The red haired teacher looked extremely frazzled; her hair was a mess, eyes wide and dilated, and her hands were shaking.

“The books,” she said in a trembling voice. “There was giggling, the door wouldn’t open, and the books attacked me. And this was the second time!”

His eyebrows rose to his hairline as he stared at the woman. “Did you see who was throwing the books at you?”

Bustier shook her head in a frantic manner. “There was no one, the books just started flying at me after the giggling.”

Giving her a slow nod, Rupere gently motioned her to step out of the room ahead of him. “How about you take the rest of the day to recover? Some rest will do you some good.” 

To his relief, Mme. Bustier agreed and collected her purse before leaving the school. Looking around the room, he was confused to see all the books in place on the shelves. Curious, he went to examine her desk and saw essay papers… covered in red ink with large “F’s” on every one of them. Reading the paper on top, all he saw were a few grammar mistakes, nothing that should have resulted in a failing grade. A bit unsettled, Rupere called the Board to schedule a psychological exam for the teacher. Serafina watched the man with satisfaction, at the rate she was going with that terrible teacher, she wouldn’t be around much longer.

Her next victims were Max and Alix during science class. She switched a couple of labels on the tubs on their desk before hiding in the room to enjoy the show. Half-way through class, Max poured a large amount of reactive chemical into the mix while it was warming over a burner, and the glass exploded. The two screamed and cursed in pain as Max tried wiping the liquid away from his face, only succeeding in getting more in his eyes. Alix tried wiping it away with a cloth, not noticing in time that the fabric was also soaked in the chemicals that now covered her entire face.

Serafina was impressed with how quickly Mme. Mendeleiev reacted to the incident. Doaning on gloves in an instant and leading the two students to the chemical wash station. Both students looked to have chemical burns on their faces, arms and necks. She could already see the burns covering a large amount of their exposed skin. While the class was distracted, Serafina switched the labels back so it would appear that the two had not been doing as instructed.

When school let out, the doll hid away in Mylene’s bag and ended up going on a date with the girl and Ivan. They commented on the bad luck their class seemed to be having and wondered out loud at what the cause might have been.

Mylene was hesitant to speak as the two ate their ice cream. “Do you think… maybe it’s karma coming back on our class?”

“Why do you think that?” Ivan asked her, seeming genuinely curious. Deciding that their conversation might lead to something more, Serafina waited and listened.

“It’s just… ever since Kim fell down the stairs, it’s got me thinking. Lila says that Marinette pushed her but the only injury she says she got was a bad knee, and she’s been walking around fine since then. And then she tried blaming Marinette for Kim and M. Damocles, when Kim shouldn’t have been running up the stairs and M. Damocles tripped at the top of the stairs when she was still down in the courtyard.”

“You’re right, now that I think about it. Lila lied to that new principal and she did it really easy.” Ivan nodded slowly, his brow creased as he pulled out his phone. “I wonder if she lied about anything else.” Mylene watched over his shoulder as he looked up the story about saving Jagged Stone’s kitten from an airplane. There was nothing, the only article that came up about a pet was his crocodile, Fang. The story said that he had hatched the reptile himself seventeen years earlier and any other pet wouldn’t be as rock’n’roll as Fang. “I don’t think Jagged ever had a cat, this article says that he’s only had Fang for longer than we’ve been around.”

Mylene pulled out her phone and called Rose, putting the call on speaker when she answered. 

“Hi Mylene, did you hear anything about Max and Alix? Are they going to be okay?” The girl asked as soon as she picked up.

“Ivan and I haven’t heard anything about them yet, but we have a question for you, Rose, and it’s something only you would be able to answer.”

There was a slight pause on the line. “Go ahead.”

“Do you still chat with Prince Ali?”

“Sure I do! We video chat every Saturday and I send him videos of our performances with Kitty Section. Why do you ask?”

“Ivan and I were wondering… Has he ever mentioned Lila to you?”

There was another pause, although they could hear a hushed conversation in the background. “So, you guys figured out the truth about Lila?” When they didn’t respond right away, Rose continued. “I found out a few weeks after Lila says she came back from Achu. I mentioned Lila to Ali and asked him about the charities they had been working on together, but he’d never heard of her. And Ali is only working on charities involving children, nothing with the environment. When Juleka and I tried asking Lila about it, she got really mean and threatened us if we told anyone. I would have been akumatized if Marinette hadn’t been there to calm me down.”

Ivan and Mylene were horrified, not only had Lila been lying to them, but she had threatened Rose, Juleka, and probably Marinette too. “What should we do?”

“First, you should apologize to Marinette for how you’ve been treating her and let her know that you know the truth.” They heard Juleka over the phone. “Lila has been more terrible to her than anyone else and she keeps getting in Lila’s way to protect us and Nathaniel since we know the truth about her.”

“Who all knows?” Ivan asked, feeling a bit sick to his stomach. Sure, he and Mylene hadn’t really hurt her or done anything, but they hadn’t stood up for her either and they were supposed to be her friend.

“Us, Luka, Kagami, Nathaniel figured it out when she said she could introduce him to Stan Lee, Nino figured it out yesterday, and Adrien’s apparently known from the start but didn’t say anything because he doesn’t think her lies are hurting anybody.”

Both of them could hear the acid in Juleka’s voice when she mentioned Adrien, and they couldn’t argue with her. They knew he had led a sheltered life, but how could he claim that ‘lies don’t hurt anybody’ after sitting back and watching Lila and her friends torment and bully Marinette?

Mylene hadn’t even realized that she had asked that question out loud until Rose answered them. “He told us that it was Marinette’s own fault for antagonizing Lila, and ‘If she just took the high road like I told her, then Lila would leave her alone’. It took everything I had not to slap him.”

Coming from Rose, that really was saying something.

Serafina was then taken on a shopping trip to an arts supplies store, a card shop, and a stop at an ATM before going to Marinette’s family’s bakery. She smiled quietly and with great respect to the couple as they apologized to her girl, gave her cards, an entire bolt of soft purple cotton the same color that her ruined dress had been, a new sketchbook, and money to pay her back for some of the things that Marinette had given them over the past year. They even asked her to provide them with proper receipts, and admitted that they knew the amount they had given her wasn’t enough to cover everything. But they promised to pay her back before asking for anything else, as well as pay in advance for any future items or baked goods. 

The little doll would have cried right along with Marinette if she could. These two had proven themselves to her and would avoid punishment, just as Nino had.

Taglist (it’s a long one):

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[silentexplorer18]

Pen & Ink Soulmates: A Kakashi Hatake Fic

Summary: A partner, they said. Someone compatible with you, they said. Lies. Or the story in which you sneakily convince Kakashi that soulmates aren't all that bad.

Pairing: Kakashi Hatake x Female Reader

Warnings: Soulmate AU, Writing on skin, Minor Violence, Implied/Referenced Torture, Abduction, Minor Injuries, Serious Injuries, Hospitals, Angst with a Happy Ending.

Word Count: 12,100+

Note: For clarity, this fic occurs over a relatively large chunk of time, but it might make more sense to pretend Kakashi joins the ANBU in later teenage years (though we could pretend two high-level Jonin could talk with such maturity at age 13 if we wanted to!). Basically, I didn’t stress a timeline too much, but I hope you still enjoy it as much as I do! :)

Read on AO3 ▪ Masterlist

Hi, soulmate!

Soulmate?

Are you getting my messages?

Let me know if you want to talk.

Can you see the moon where you are?

I found the prettiest flowers today at the market. I wish I could draw you a picture of them.

Do you like flowers? I have a hard time picking a favorite.

You’d been trying. The whole connecting with your soulmate thing was supposed to be exciting and invigorating, but so far it had only left you with the bitter taste of defeat.

A partner, they said. Someone compatible with you, they said.

Lies.

Apparently whoever was supposed to be on the other end of your soul connection didn’t care about the messages you sent. They weren’t as eager to speak with you as you were to speak with them. At least, that’s what you told yourself. The alternative was much, much worse; a fate you weren’t willing to consider.

You had a soulmate. They just weren’t ready to talk yet.

So, you threw yourself into training. Every swift movement and taunt muscle, every hit target and victorious sparring session, all the work left you feeling strong and powerful. When your soulmate met you, maybe they’d regret taking so long when they saw how hard you’d been working, how skilled you’d become.

Thankfully, you had a sparring partner that liked to keep you on your toes. Kakashi had been training with you for about as long as you could remember; he was your closest friend and greatest ally as you worked to become a talented shinobi. Of all the people in the village, he facilitated and supported your growth more than anyone. You could rely on him for almost anything (except for being on time).

But there was one problem.

Kakashi didn’t like talking about soulmates. You couldn’t blame him. Deep emotional connections wasn’t a topic he wanted to dwell on, not after everything that had happened throughout his still-young lifetime. So you kept the conversation civil, even as your heart desperately yearned to talk to someone about your sudden fear of being alone, your deep, unrestrained terror that there was no partner to your soul, no body to receive the messages you delicately penned on the skin under your wrapped arms.

But apparently there was.

You learned that roughly a year later, after many failed attempts and more destroyed pens than you cared to admit.

The amount of times you’d tried to contact your soulmate had dwindled, both due to the lack of response and the influx in your shinobi duties. Regardless, you still took the time to try every once in a while.

Usually, your messages were sweet or silly. A few times, you’d merely asked if anyone was receiving your carefully written words, begging to know there was someone out there for you.

But every sensible person reaches their breaking point. And evidently both you and your soulmate broke in very different ways on the same day.

Good evening, soulmate. I didn’t do much today, but I can give you a run-down if you’d like.

It was a game you’d started a few months into your attempts at contact. Pretending someone was there was much, much easier than thinking about any alternative. So you tried your best to leave messages despite how much it hurt.

Staring at your wrist, you considered the scribble of the letters, the handwriting you only tried to make semi-nice now. That was your soulmate’s fault; you were past the point of a perfect first impression. But what to write today? What could entertain your soulmate, maybe even draw them out? You weren’t sure.

When the first inky letter swirled across your skin, your heart leapt into your throat, and your pen dropped from your hand. Your thoughts of what to write were quickly forgotten. There was someone. There was someone! There was someone waiting for you!

You leaned forward, hand clamped around your wrist to keep it steady as the words appeared on your skin.

You’re putting us both in danger. Stop writing to me.

Well, that certainly wasn’t what you expected.

After all the waiting, after all the time, that’s what your soulmate was willing to give you? Your jaw clenched, hand releasing your wrist so you wouldn’t inadvertently snap it. What a jerk.

How dare your soulmate assume you were incapable! How dare your soulmate treat you like nothing more than a hindrance! How dare your soulmate act like you were some worthless flower that would be trampled over by a single breeze!

You clicked your pen, hand pressing just a skosh too hard into your skin as you carved a message back to whoever that jerk was.

I can take care of myself.

The reply came a few minutes later.

Good. I don’t want you in my life. Leave me alone.

Oh.

Years of waiting for a soulmate, and the one to finally show up didn’t want anything to do with you? Great, just great.

You closed your eyes, hands shaking as you drew your knees closer to your body. Alone. You were alone. No matter who was destined to be by your side, nobody would be there. The tears burned in your eyes, but you tried to keep from shedding them. You were a shinobi. You were strong. You were… alone.

No, no you weren’t. You still had Kakashi and Kurenai. You had Asuma when he bothered to chat with you. You weren’t totally alone. You had people in your life to keep you company. Hell, you were even supposed to meet Kakashi for breakfast tomorrow!

You went over your list of friends in your head, desperately trying to drown out the nagging voice in the back of your mind whispering that the person who mattered most would never want you.

~

Kakashi was late to breakfast the next morning. Even later than usual. You idly wondered if he’d been called on an emergency mission while trying to keep your thin soup down.

The events of the night before rested at the forefront of your mind, making your stomach queasy with the memory of the harsh words.

Your soulmate had washed them off your arm by morning, but the message had already been branded in your mind. There would be no forgetting.

When Kakashi finally deigned to arrive, he looked much worse than usual. It was hardly perceptible to the untrained eye, but you knew something was wrong after so many years of friendship with Kakashi. He was even quieter than he usually was, picking at the cold soup you’d ordered for him.

It had been spur of the moment to order for the both of you, a decision brought on by being too wrapped up in your own thoughts. However, Kakashi didn’t comment on your unusual gesture.

For once, something went your way.

After your relatively brief and quiet meal, you offered to walk with Kakashi to the Hokage Tower, desperately craving the fresh air. He accepted your offer with a half-hearted nod, and you fell into step alongside him, trying to keep up with his impossibly lanky figure.

“You’ve been going to the Hokage Tower a lot lately. Is everything alright?”

Hummed, the sound still gravely from failing to use his voice all morning. “They’re pushing me up to the ANBU.”

You froze. The ANBU? One of the most elite and dangerous positions that a Leaf shinobi could accept? Your best friend—the talent, the protector, the lost child inside willing to throw his life away for the sake of his home, for the people who had left without him—an ANBU?

Kakashi stopped a few paces in front of you, casting a distasteful look over his shoulder at your expression.

“I can handle it. Stop fussing.”

With quick steps, you joined his side again, clenching your fist in embarrassment. “I’m not fussing. I just wasn’t expecting it so soon.”

“We die young as shinobi,” he murmured, continuing his walk toward the tower in the distance. Suddenly, the structure appeared to be looming rather than protecting, and a chill crawled along your spine.

Of course shinobi died young. All bodies gave out eventually, and shinobi would fight until that occurred, regardless of whether or not it was to their detriment (it almost always was). But Kakashi was the most talented shinobi you’d ever encountered. He wouldn’t die young, you hoped. He had so much left to live for, even if he couldn’t see it through the haze of his own pain and guilt.

The remaining walk to the Hokage tower was silent. And afterwards, you took flowers to the memorial stone. You prayed for the dead. And just this once, you begged them to look out for the living, too.

~

The day Kakashi joined the ANBU, you knew. The matching tattoo colored your bicep in sweeping increments, a sharp red rattling your heart within your chest. The reality of your situation washed over you like the worst kind of genjutsu.

Your best friend was your soulmate. And he didn’t want you.

The realization left you shell shocked for a few days, unable to even speak or look at Kakashi. Even without the contact, your mind couldn’t escape from him. However, you eventually managed to safeguard your heart as best as you could. You wouldn’t tell him yet; something within you couldn’t handle that risk of rejection, especially when it would come from Kakashi. But you weren’t willing to throw away the lifetime of friendship the two of you shared. So you put on a smile and met Kakashi at his favorite restaurant, just like usual.

“You haven’t been here for a few days,” he noted as you sat down, watching you intently. “Everything alright?”

You shrugged, fingers trailing down the side of your glass. “Yeah, just wasn’t feeling up to anything.”

It was a partial lie, one Kakashi could easily prod into if he wanted to. But he didn’t. He let you be. And you relished in the way the conversation eventually grew normal between the two of you, right up until he rose from the table, leaving you to pay the bill.

Everything was normal. But you cried again that night anyway.

~

Life fell back into the usual pattern after that. There were times that you could almost pretend the weight on your shoulders wasn’t there. Kakashi was away on more missions with the ANBU, so you were able to bury your head in your training and missions and pretend nothing was wrong. At least, you could pretend until a pen caught your eye.

The words on your skin had been so brutal, and you hoped they were just because of the pain Kakashi had endured. You hoped it came from a place of love rather than hatred; perhaps Kakashi’s intention was protection rather than cold-hearted rejection.

At least, that’s what you thought until you found Kakashi sparring with Gai.

You tried your hardest not to invade their privacy, not to listen to words that weren’t meant for your ears, like the good friend you were, but Kakashi’s voice was too sharp, too defensive, to not draw your attention.

“—but it’s a waste of time, Gai. Soulmates are unnecessary. Especially for people like us.”

“You’re hiding from your future, Kakashi. Wasting all your youthful days that you could be spending with the one who will love you as much as life itself!”

Another failed attack. The clang of clashing kunai.

“A soulmate could only be a liability to me. You know what kind of missions I’m being sent on.”

“They’re your soulmate, Kakashi. Soulmates are built to work together. They fill the cracks like the best kind of glue!”

Kakashi scoffed. There was another clang, the gentle zip of shuriken on the breeze.

“I’d never love them anyway, so it doesn’t really matter.”

“You’d say something so cruel—”

You turned away, unable to listen anymore. The pain pooled heavy in your gut. The message he’d written hadn’t been a reflexive, angry reaction. His beliefs were set in stone. He didn’t want you.

So, you held your chin up, resigned yourself to eternal loneliness, and pretended the whole soulmate dilemma didn’t exist.

If being Kakashi’s friend was the closest you could get, then you’d ignore the sting in your chest when you looked at him. You’d be his friend. Nothing more.

~

Your resolve lasted a few weeks.

There was whispering. There had always been whispering, but this day was much worse than usual. He’d been mocked, insulted, shamed. Openly. And aside from Gai, nobody had said a word otherwise. You couldn’t stand it, watching him mask the pain as much as he masked his own features. His feigned nonchalance couldn’t fool your perceptive eyes. You’d been watching too closely; you knew him too well.

Curled at your desk that night, you wrote a message on your wrist, scared of talking to him again but unable to leave him alone.

You’re a good person.

Hours passed before you received a response. It was curt, defensive, everything Kakashi carried to protect himself. You don’t know me.

But you did.

Although it was difficult to sleep, you tried your best not to toss and turn too much as you brooded over your feelings. Was it worth saying more? Was it worth risking the hurt, the rejection?

In the morning, you’d made your decision, especially after noticing his words had already been rinsed off your wrist.

Cleaning your own wrist, you wrote the message in your head a thousand times over, only hoping the words wouldn’t hurt you so much when they reached his skin.

You're a good person, Kakashi Hatake. I won't let you tell me otherwise.

~

Kakashi met you for lunch just like usual. You wouldn’t have found anything odd about the meeting, but he showed up on time. Apparently your message had rattled him enough to throw him completely off his rhythm.

Rather than comment on his early appearance, you just smiled as he sat down, choosing to dig into your meal. Kakashi followed suit, pulling out a book while he waited for his bowl.

Silence settled between you, and you let it. After all, you were trying to make the situation appear normal. The last thing you wanted was for him to figure out you were in on the secret that was bothering him. So, the two of you ate. You sipped your tea, glancing out at the people passing on the street until Kakashi finally broke the silence.

“My soulmate knows who I am,” he murmured, setting down his raman bowl.

You plastered on a smile, knowing you had to fake congratulations, had to fake knowing that he had, in fact, zero intentions of finding his soulmate.

“That’s so exciting, Kakashi! I’m glad you’ve finally found yours!”

He laughed dryly, scratching his neck. “It’s not quite like that.”

You tried to neutralize the way your expression dropped. Either Kakashi didn’t notice, nose stuck in his copy of Make Out Paradise, or he didn’t care. You bit your lip, brows furrowing before you could stop them. “How so?”

But you already knew the answer to that.

“I’m not talking to my soulmate,” he said curtly. “It’s not something that interests me.”

You shook your head, sighing softly. He’d never let anyone in, never let anyone close. Kakashi was too reserved for that, and you resigned yourself to the knowledge that he’d never care to change the fate he’d chosen for himself. For such a hopeless romantic, he had a terrible tendency to reject love.

“You’re so foolish, Kakashi,” you whispered, balancing the chopsticks on the rim of your bowl.

His eye snapped to your face. Though he appeared nonchalant, you could tell that he slightly bristled at your words. “You’re one to talk.”

“Mine won’t talk to me,” you pointed out sharply, eyes dropping to refold your napkin.

His expression softened minutely, but his tone stayed firm. “That isn’t what I meant. We’re shinobi, (Y/n). Love in our line of duty is fatal.”

Pursing your lips, you caught his eye again before dropping his stare. “Perhaps,” you murmured, knuckles straining in your lap. “But you can’t say it’s pleasant to live without love.”

He was silent for a moment as you both stared at anywhere but one another. Kakashi was ruminating under your words while you wallowed in the silent pain of listening to your soulmate openly deny your importance. It hurt, but you wouldn’t admit that, least of all not to his face.

Before he could speak again, Gai had clapped Kakashi on the shoulder, greeting him as warmly as ever.

You slipped out of the shop, enough money to cover both your meals pressed into the owner’s hand before either of the shinobi could realize you’d disappeared.

~

Although your conversation with Kakashi had stung deep within your chest, you appreciated the insights it gave you.

Kakashi Hatake was aware his soulmate knew his name. And he was terrified.

The fact that he’d brought it up at all was enough to tell you how jarring the event had been for him. That, and the way he responded at the mere notion of knowing his soulmate. He was like a cornered cat lashing his claws out in terror. He didn’t mean to hurt anyone, not his soulmate, not you. But in his desperation to protect himself, reinforce the walls he’d so meticulously crafted to fortify his aching heart, Kakashi Hatake was willing to scratch.

However, you weren’t willing to let it go that easily.

He was scared of having someone care for him. You were willing to start small in the hopes of changing that.

Along the curve of your inner wrist, you swirled the letters that would become the first of many.

Stay safe on your mission.

It wasn’t much, but it was a start.

~

Today is supposed to be cold. Wear an extra mask.

He didn’t. Worse yet, he chose to do the opposite. Although it was hard to tell, you knew his mask and undershirt were the spring/summer fabrics rather than the fall/winter ones.

The bastard was spiting you. Well, spiting his soulmate. So, unwittingly spiting you.

It was still irksome.

As the two of you wandered around the village, helped the farmers, and even took a leisurely stroll around the village perimeter “just in case,” you relished in the way Kakashi moved. It was obvious he was cold, regretting his unnecessary fashion stance.

But you couldn’t stand to see him cold.

He looked close to dropping to the ground for a rapid succession of push-ups just to rekindle some warmth. As smug as you were about watching him suffer, you weren't willing to let him perform a Gai for a small semblance of relief.

Swiftly, you unlooped your scarf, draping it around his neck unceremoniously. It wasn’t much, but the fabric was warm, and it would certainly help a little.

If only you knew how happy the gesture made him.

As the two of you walked back to the heart of the village, Kakashi walked a little closer to you than normal. And, for some reason, you didn’t really mind.

~

When Kakashi didn’t show up to lunch the following week, you weren’t surprised. You’d only just returned from a mission, and word of Kakashi’s travels had already graced your ears. He was heading to the Village Hidden in the Sand. For what, you weren’t sure. Some missions were still classified even for you.

Despite knowing how skilled Kakashi was, you still worried about him traveling alone through the desert.

The click of your pen hurt a little less when you clicked it now. It helped to know who your soulmate was. It helped to feel like he cared about you still, even when he so clearly loathed his soulmate.

Remember to drink some water today.

A few hours later, you were surprised to see a response scribbled across your inner wrist.

Yes.

Just one word but finally a positive one.

~

Rest when you can.

Kakashi stared at the words delicately placed on his wrist. His mission had taken longer than expected, and he was beginning to think his soulmate knew that.

Whoever they were, they must have been a shinobi like him. A high-ranking one, too, for them to determine the length of time he was supposed to be away for.

He’d been receiving one message per day. At first, it irritated him to no end. But now, he didn’t hate it quite so much, even if he often didn’t bother to reply. The messages were always harmless. Sometimes they were funny. Sometimes they were giving him advice, a little reminder meant—he assumed—to help him through the day.

While the sender certainly had the best intentions when sending the note, the message still left him irked. He was alone for this mission, and the sleeplessness and general strains of traveling had started to take a toll on him.

Only a day’s journey left until he could return home and try to shake the sand out of every nook and cranny of his backpack. Only a day’s journey left until he could sleep in a bed. Only a day’s journey left until he could go to dinner with the others. Just. One. More. Day.

He could make it. He had to.

~

Kakashi had been injured again.

The news swept through the village like a wildfire, and you showed up with two Make Out novels and a bowl of raman, nearly being knocked over by Gai’s comically large bouquet in the process.

Kakashi accepted Gai’s flowers with moderate amounts of grumbling and a few lackluster attempts to get him to leave. Eventually, he did, and it was just the two of you.

You filled the vase at his bedside with water, delicately stuffing as many of the stems as you possibly could inside the glass.

Kakashi watched you move around him, cherishing the silence. At his bedside, you unclasped your bag, pulling out the blindingly colorful books and the container of Ichiraku raman. After making sure the utensils were settled and there was a napkin, you turned back to Kakashi, just missing the warm expression on his face.

“You should rest,” you encouraged gently, “and eat up.”

His eye squinted playfully. “You fuss too much.”

You smiled, smoothing a shuriken printed blanket over the starchy hospital ones. It was yours, but it still smelled faintly of dogs and Kakashi and spice. Hopefully it would stave off some of his nightmares, having something that smelled vaguely like home.

“I fuss just enough. Now, don’t stay up too late reading. Some rest will go a long way.”

“You fuss too—” He yelped as you pinched his toe through the blanket, slinging your bag back over your shoulder.

“You’re lucky you have me as a friend.”

Kakashi’s expression softened, mind racing toward how close he’d come to death yet again. “Yeah, I am.”

He relished in the way that simple statement delighted you, watching the way your expression lit up.

“Get some rest,” you encouraged again, turning to leave him in the bright, quiet room.

As per your request, he did.

~

Although he listened to your advice, it was only marginally. In true Kakashi fashion, he’d talked his way out of the hospital after a measly two days of treatment.

His body needed more time, but Kakashi was always one to push himself.

Since the Hokage stalled sending him on another mission, something he both hated and appreciated, he occupied the following days in his normal rhythm. He trained privately, visited the memorial stone, and wandered the village nose-deep in supposedly trashy romance.

You’d caught him wandering around a few times, and even saw him lightly competing in a challenge against Gai.

The sight made your blood boil even though you knew it was Kakashi being Kakashi.

He had no sense of self-preservation, which wasn’t particularly helpful when you—his soulmate—were watching from the sidelines.

Did he even care that he could leave you all alone? No, probably not, your mind taunted. Kakashi didn’t care about soulmates; you knew that.

If only you could convince your heart not to care.

That afternoon, you let the letters curl across your wrist as you watched him do another training exercise with Gai, looking faintly more fatigued than normal.

Give yourself time to recover.

If he found your message, he didn’t care to respond.

~

Kakashi would visit the memorial stone in the morning; you knew how his routine worked.

He felt it fitting to visit them as often as he could, an apology for living the life they all should have lived.

You couldn’t blame him. You visited the stone often, too.

But you couldn’t today, not while you were traveling to the Village Hidden in the Sand with a scroll. So, you asked for a favor, scribbling on your wrist: Pray for mine, too, please.

He was starting to grow accustomed to your messages. A small part of you wondered if he kept an eye out for them. But that was silly. You were thinking about Kakashi. He probably was just reading his book when the words appeared, his wrist already in his line of sight.

At least, that’s what you told yourself.

But it still didn’t dispel your excitement when the answer scribbled across your skin a few minutes later.

Sure.

~

He’d been taking on so many missions lately, wearing himself to the bone just to be a good shinobi. A part of you wondered if he was trying to avoid thinking about anything other than his shinobi world. That hunch didn’t stop you from worrying.

Soulmate or not, Kakashi’s actions would have worried you. He looked exhausted as he shuffled through his laundry. You’d brought him takeout from his favorite restaurant to hopefully get something other than rations in his stomach before he left on his next mission.

Who knew how long it would be before he drug himself in, requested another trip, and raced off to somewhere new. You would’ve thought he was avoiding you if it weren’t for the obvious delight in his eyes when you caught up with him outside Hokage Tower.

But there was a reason he was working himself to exhaustion. Possibly long-dead memories brought back to life that he couldn’t stand thinking about. You didn’t even want to know; you just wanted him to be okay.

A week later, you saw him walking through the village gates yet again. Back again. Planning to leave again. It was always the same, just relentlessly overkill at present. He was taking on too much, and one day he would slip up and regret it. You didn’t want that.

So you stayed behind the kiosk you’d been perusing, fingers untangling the wraps around your hand. It was a simple message, but you hoped it would help snap his mind out of whatever hole he’d buried it in.

Please don’t overwork yourself.

He didn’t respond. Not a word graced your hopeful skin.

But Kakashi caught you outside one of the stores in town and asked if you wanted to meet up for dinner that night. He would be around for a while, he said, but he was too tired to cook.

Despite trying to hold on to your resolve, a small part of you couldn’t help but hope he was staying because you asked him to. It was probably wishful thinking, but you were grateful for whatever force made him stay nonetheless.

~

I believe in you.

Kakashi scoffed at the message on his arm, printed in the spot where his glove met his sleeve.

He found it after a competition with Gai. Hardly anything worth fussing over, but his soulmate had still sent him encouraging words.

Had they been watching? Had they seen the fun (though he’d never admit it) that he and Gai had been having? Had they wanted to join in?

For a long time, he’d been able to avoid thinking about his soulmate altogether. Now, though, they’d found a way to weasel into his mind with the words swirling over his skin.

He wasn’t willing to consider whether or not he enjoyed it.

~

I worry when you’re reckless.

The message shouldn’t have stung Kakashi’s heart, but somehow it did. His soulmate was watching and worrying, hearing the stories about his travels. Whoever they were, they must have been a shinobi, too.

Were they okay with forsaking love in the name of war? Could they abandon emotions for the sake of duty? Maybe. His soulmate had never directly asked to be anything more than penpals, though even that notion was quite one-sided.

But the message on his wrist betrayed his soulmate’s strength. They worried about him. They listened for the stories and understood when something went wrong.

Kakashi couldn’t help but wonder if they were reckless, too.

If he never took the chance to know them, would he care if they threw their life away as often as he’d tried to? He wasn’t sure.

~

The next Make Out novel comes out today. I reserved you a copy at the Northern bookstore. It’s less crowded.

Kakashi didn’t understand why his soulmate was being so nice to him. Not after his harsh words at the beginning, not after his sparse replies and general lack of interest. But whoever they were, they were trying, and he had to admire that.

At first, he was surprised his soulmate was not only fine with him reading erotic novels in public but also encouraging it. But, then again, his soulmate was meant to be compatible with him, right?

There would be butting heads, of course. All soulmates lost the honeymoon stage eventually. But this seemed deeper, warmer. His favorite book in a quiet shop on his day off. It was kindness. And it felt both strange and wonderful.

He vaguely regretted not doing anything for his soulmate. Though, maybe they were okay with that. Maybe they enjoyed being alone, just like he did.

Maybe if he kept lying to himself, he’d continue to enjoy it.

But crouched in a tree a few hours later, he couldn’t shake the gratitude deep in his chest. The novel was amazing. And he wouldn’t have been able to get his hands on it if it weren’t for his soulmate’s generosity.

Two words.

Thank you.

~

Kakashi had arrived home from another long mission. Although unscathed, his clothes were a mess. Dirt and mud clung to his legs, dried blood was smattered across his upper body, and a few rogue twigs and leaves stuck to him in strange places. He needed a shower. Desperately.

But something within Kakashi was restless, and he chose to wander around the village absently.

Something must have happened for him to look so dazed and unattached, but you tried to avoid asking anything direct in public.

Instead, you hopped beside him, catching his arm with the tips of your fingertips. He hummed in response.

“You just got back, right, Kakashi?”

He hummed again. “Yep.”

“Have you bought groceries?”

“No... Why?”

“A bunch of us are going to dinner tonight. You should come. It’s been a while since we’ve all been together.”

He inspected you for a long moment, and you could tell what he was thinking. The laugh bubbled in your throat before you could help yourself. “It’s Iruka’s turn to take Gai home, don’t worry.”

He stared for a moment longer before nodding slowly. “Okay.” Another small, dazed nod. “I’ll come.”

You couldn’t hide your smile as you told him the establishment and the time. That alone made Kakashi’s mood improve, though he’d never admit that aloud.

An hour later, though, he was still wandering around the city absentmindedly. So you figured his soulmate could take matters into their own hands.

Blood in your hair? Isn’t that a bit macabre?

He replied an hour later.

No.

But the next time you saw him, he was dressed in a new uniform. Not a single pristinely white hair was out of place.

If it hadn’t been for Anko talking your ear off about her last mission, you almost could’ve imagined that you and Kakashi were on a date.

It was the closest you would get, a clean vest and all.

But when Asuma blew a puff of smoke and Kakashi glared disdainfully from across the table, any hopes of romance slipped through your fingers.

You were friends. Close friends.

And you refocused on Anko’s story in the hopes of forgetting the state of your friendship with Kakashi for the span of a few minutes.

Every little glance he sent your way certainly didn’t help.

Nor did the way he offered you the last bite of his cake as a thanks for paying for his meal yet again.

Damn, you were in deep.

~

Be safe on your mission.

His reply came a few minutes later.

Yep.

Although it wasn’t much, the gesture made you smile. It seemed almost like he was waiting for your message, like he’d been checking as he and his companions wandered down the road.

You told yourself it was wishful thinking, but the word scribbled on your wrist in his handwriting warmed your heart all the same.

~

You’d forgotten. The mission had been too complex, your mind too preoccupied. You’d forgotten to write to Kakashi.

A part of you distantly wondered if he cared, if he even thought about your messages.

He’d started to reply on occasion. It was never more than a quickly scrawled, single word response, but it was still better than the total isolation he’d given you before.

You couldn’t say it was great, or that the two of you talked as soulmates. But it was relatively amicable. And that was a much better foot to get off on than the first time he’d responded to the words you’d scribbled words across your arms.

Things were okay.

And although you had a few scrapes and scratches from your mission, that had gone okay, too.

When your team settled in a clearing for the night, tent built and fire glowing, you drifted off, too exhausted to think of sending a scrabbled love message to Kakashi.

But he hadn’t forgotten about you.

Although you assumed he wasn’t paying attention, Kakashi was one of the best ninja in the Village Hidden in the Leaves. He paid attention to everything, despite his usual nonchalance.

He noticed immediately that his soulmate hadn’t written to him.

After weeks of at least one little message per day.

And he wouldn’t admit it out loud, but he was terrified. Had something happened to you? Were you injured? Could it be worse?

The idea of soulmates may have left him feeling disgruntled, but your messages had burrowed a home in his heart.

He wasn’t ready to give you or your messages up yet.

So for the first time in a long time, he wrote a real message.

You’re late. Doing okay?

As you watched over the dying flames several hours later, an early morning guard for your teammates, you stared at his words, tracing a finger over the scraggly characters.

Late.

You knew he wasn’t talking about your mission because the four of you weren’t due back for another two days. He didn’t know your identity. That only left the messages…

Was he treating this as a check-in?

You rolled your eyes, chuckling. Leave it to Kakashi to care more than he let on.

Got lost on the path of life. You?

Kakashi stared at your message. He’d been perusing his favorite bookstore for spare copies of the Make Out series’ novels, sleeve suspiciously cuffed and waiting for a reply, when the words had swirled across his skin.

And he laughed. Warmly and purely. Because you’d stolen his line.

You knew him. And maybe that wasn’t such a bad thing if you would continue to make him laugh so openly.

Surprised with himself, he clicked his pen, words scribbling across his skin before he had the chance to doubt himself.

Glad you’re alive.

It wasn’t much, but it was a start. An admission that he wasn’t as dismayed by the soulmate thing as he let on. And you arrived home from your mission absolutely beaming.

~

You were able to catch Kakashi for lunch before heading off on your next mission with Kurenai. The food was filling, and the conversation was nice. Funnily enough, he was supposed to leave for a mission with Gai the next day. No rest for the shinobi apparently.

Kakashi waved at you as you walked away, and you smiled to yourself. Even if you didn’t have your soulmate by your side, at least you still had some connection to Kakashi. Being by his side was worth the dull ache it left in your heart.

But you would be without it for the next few days. Although you and Kurenai were leaving for no more than two days, Kakashi and Gai would probably be gone most of the week. Part of you hated when Kakashi was away, but part of you enjoyed getting to write to him more often. When he was away, you could be a little less secretive as you scribbled down messages throughout your day in the village.

But, for the time being, you’d focus on the mission at hand.

It was a standard case of bandits in the woods. At least, that was what the scroll had described the mission as. However, as you and Kurenai crept through the dense forest, something felt off.

No matter how far the two of you traveled, the quiet whisper of wind in the leaves greeted you. Despite your speed and silence, you couldn’t sense any animals or hear anything suspicious. Bandits would have left campsites or trash or, hell, even footsteps. But nothing greeted your senses, not even traces of animals. These weren’t ordinary bandits.

Your suspicions were confirmed when eight people jumped from the brush, attacking with a swiftness you hadn’t anticipated. Their presences had been completely concealed.

Kurenai lept to your left, and you lept to the right, sending three shuriken through the air to hit the nearest attacker. While your attack worked slightly, you immediately had to jump again, barely catching Kurenai rushing off through the trees.

This was the failsafe plan; if you got caught, you’d separate far enough that you couldn’t catch one another in the crossfire of your attacks.

But you were outmatched. Whoever these “bandits” were, they were extremely skilled in capturing and securing enemies. One moment, you were wielding a fire jutsu. The next moment, your vision had gone dark.

~

Capture wasn’t the only thing the bandits appeared to be skilled in. Upon waking, you’d been tied to a chair with restraints stronger than you could break. The room was dark, probably somewhere underground, and you realized you had no idea how long you’d been unconscious. Was Kurenai okay? Had she been captured, too? What did these people want with you?

None of that mattered, not when the first blow had landed across your exposed side. Whatever these people wanted, you wouldn’t give it. So, you took a deep breath, clenched your teeth, and shut out the world. Your village was valuable to you. The people there mattered to you. And you’d follow your training to the letter, or you’d die trying.

~

Whether it had been hours or days of torture, you weren’t sure. All you knew was that everything hurt, and your vision was starting to go blurry. Despite that, you hadn’t relented. No matter what they threw at your body, no matter what manipulation they tried to play with your mind, you wouldn’t budge.

At the end, at least you’d make the Village Hidden in the Leaves proud.

But there was something that was missing, something you wanted to do before you died, even if it was just selfish, even if it was just a foolish whispering of your heart. You wanted to be buried somewhere your friends could visit. You wanted everyone to know about your end, to know what had happened, to never worry that you were out there somewhere.

You wanted Kakashi to find peace in your death, not guilt.

So there was a secret you had to spill.

You slid the pen from your pocket, clicking it open as you stared at your arm. Slowly, you undid the bandages, greeted once again by blank skin. Swirling the pen across your forearm, you wrote the rough coordinates of your capture on your arm. It wasn’t exact, but hopefully it would be good enough. Then, you wrote the words “urgent note” on your fingertips and wrist, hoping that would encourage him to look. Below the coordinates, you wrote: Abducted by enemies. Not relenting to torture. Getting weak. Send help if possible. Or someone to collect my body. Look at leg later. —(Y/n).

Carefully, you rewrapped your arm, moving to roll your pant leg up. Your hands were shaking, and it was hard to hold the pen, but you had to write to him.

They said the end is coming, and I'm starting to believe them. It hurts a lot. So I'm writing to you. I know you didn't want to deal with the whole soulmate thing, but I couldn't stay away. You were just too wonderful to not stand beside. I'm sorry I didn't leave you be, didn't respect your wishes. But I wanted to be a part of your life. I'm being selfish by writing to you now, but you're the one person I've always been selfish with, so I'm not going to stop at the very end. Please don’t be upset with yourself if I don’t make it.

Your eyes were watering now, vision slightly blurry. Had they drugged you, too? Or was it just the injuries?

I just want you to remember that you’re loved. That I love you. That you deserve to be loved. Please don’t forget that when I’m gone.

Whatever else you wanted to write would not be written. Quietly, the pen clattered out of your hand, and your head slumped forward.

Time was up.

~

Your vision was blurry when your eyes finally blinked open. You were cold, but the ache in your muscles was a reassurance that you were very much alive. Alive and in a hospital, it seemed.

There was a crinkle beside your bed, and you looked up to see Kakashi thumbing through his book.

What had… You blinked, trying to recall exactly what had happened.

There was a mission… you’d been on a mission with Kurenai… right. Then… and then... you were abducted. Yes, you could remember that now. And Kakashi… you remember thinking about Kakashi. Gosh, everything was so damn hazy. You shifted, wincing as you tried to sit up.

“Hey!” His voice was cheerful, and you blinked up at him in surprise at the warmness in his tone. “Good to see you waking up!”

How had he known you were at the hospital? Had Kurenai… Wait, no. No. Hazily, you could recall writing coordinates on your wrist. They weren’t precise, so someone must have looked for you. You couldn’t remember being found. Everything after the last interrogation was too hazy… too confusing. But Kakashi had known… maybe Kakashi had looked for you.

“You made it in time?”

He hummed, closing his book with a thump. “Pakkun found you. Once I knew what to look for, I could rely on his nose.”

You nodded groggily, reaching up to rub your eyes. The ink was still on your wrist, visible due to your unwrapped arms. You’d forgotten about—

“Kakashi, I’m so sorry about the message.” You turned to look at him, eyes wide and embarrassed. “If I knew everything would’ve been fine, then I wouldn’t have—”

His hand rose, and you stopped, heart hammering in your throat. This was it. This would be the rejection.

“I’m glad I had the opportunity to save you.”

Of course. Because he wouldn’t leave a comrade behind; that wasn’t like him.

But that wasn’t the message you were referring to.

If he wasn’t going to bring up the love message, then you wouldn’t, either. “I’m grateful,” you murmured, looking down to finally see the treatment your body had undergone. There were marks everywhere, which meant Kakashi was marked everywhere, too. Marks on the soulmate that didn’t want you…

“I appreciate you waiting,” you forced yourself to say. Maybe he’d get the message and leave you alone.

Instead, he met your awkward sidestep with bluntness. “I figured we should talk.”

Your head felt like it was spinning, and you had the slightest sensation that you were going to be in the hospital for quite a while. It would be embarrassing to be rejected here; it would be embarrassing to cry in front of the nurses.

“Not now,” you croaked, hand scrabbling to grab the invisible cup of water at the bedside. Water, sake, medicine, heck, even the flower water beside you. Anything to push the lump out of your throat. Anything to avoid thinking about Kakashi’s rejection.

You were eyeing up the vase next to you as Kakashi stood, long legs moving to fill a glass by the sink. He handed it to you, assuring your fingers were pressed around the cup before he moved away.

You sent him a grateful half-smile before you swallowed the water like a shot, desperate to drown yourself in something other than your own awkwardness.

“Feel better?”

No, you really didn’t. Your head was still spinning, stomach still queasy. Whether it was from your injuries or Kakashi’s pointed stare, you weren’t sure. “I don’t want to talk about it today. Everything—” you coughed, trying to release the tightness in your throat. “Everything hurts.”

He nodded, humming low in his throat. “I’ll go get a nurse, then.”

You nodded shakily, debating whether or not you could escape from the hospital before he came back. The ache in your side told you moving probably wasn’t the best idea.

“But before I do, I have one question.”

Your head snapped to where he stood by the door, wincing as you did so. “Yes?”

“How did you find out it was me?”

You stared at him for a minute, searching his impassive face. He was one of the best shinobi this village had ever seen, and he was still impossibly clueless sometimes. Slowly, you rolled up your sleeve, revealing a roll of gauze. It was blue, unlike the starchy white medical gauze on your sides. You could fiddle with it; the fabric belonged to you. With nimble fingers, you untied it, letting it pool below your elbow on the bed.

Kakashi stared openly at the ANBU tattoo, and you watched the pieces click into place. He hadn’t even considered what a tattoo would be like for his soulmate.

“I see,” he whispered, fingers unconsciously twitching toward his covered arm. After a moment, he shook himself from his thoughts, gaze again becoming impassive. “I’ll go get the nurses.”

“Kakashi?” you called, shocked as the words left your lips. You hadn’t meant to call out for him, not yet, anyway. But he was standing there staring like you’d held up a practice dummy, focus radiating from him in waves. You had to say something. “Thank you. For saving me… and waiting. And thank Pakkun, too?”

Kakashi’s expression softened. “I will. Now, get some rest. You look exhausted.”

Though, rest was the last thing you would come close to receiving as the doctors gave you a full evaluation. Poking, prodding, and asking questions took up most of the afternoon. Although you tried your best to focus and take in all the information you were given about your physical state, your mind continually strayed to Kakashi. Did he hate you now? Did he want you out of his life? Was he waiting for you or just waiting to ask about the whole soulmates thing? You wished you could quiet the questions swirling through your mind.

That evening, you found a message scribbled across the back of your hand. Although his handwriting was still messy, it was obvious he took his time. He wanted it to be legible.

Get well soon, (Y/n).

It was the first time your soulmate had written your name on his skin. He knew you now. There was no going back to the secretive messages and hidden assurances. Everything was out in the open; Kakashi knew exactly who you were. He knew everything.

That night, you wept.

You wept for the injuries that would bar you from upcoming missions. You wept for the bitter sense of death that had grazed your fingertips. You wept for the compassionate message on your hand. You wept for the fear of being alone again.

You wept for Kakashi and all that he meant to you.

~

Between the crying and the medical evaluations the day prior, you slept well past the time you’d typically rise. Consequently, it was well past the opening of visiting hours, too.

Kakashi arrived before you woke up and tucked himself into a corner with a book. However, he read very little. Instead, he watched the gradual rise and fall of your chest, comforted by the knowledge that you were still breathing.

When “urgent note” had appeared on his fingers, his heart had nearly stopped in his chest. When he read the message printed on his wrist, the sinking sensation had only grown. Fear consumed him more than it had ever consumed him before.

His head had spun with the realization that you were in danger, that you were his soulmate. Summoning his ninkin had happened in a blur. If he was being honest with himself, everything was a blur up until the moment he found you. That moment would live on in crystal clarity in his memory forever.

There are some moments in life too horrific to forget. Finding you unconscious on the floor of a dingy bunker, pen by your side, chest barely moving, would be one of those moments for Kakashi.

The only thing more reassuring than watching you breathe was watching your eyes blink open slowly and focus in on him. He could tell you were nervous about talking to him, and he knew why. The message still hastily scribbled on both of your thighs was more than an acknowledgement of the soulmate bond. It was an admission that you loved him, an admission that you believed in him, that you wanted to stay by his side.

It was also an admission that you believed he didn’t want to stay by your side.

He really needed to talk to you.

“Good morning,” he hummed, tucking his book back in his vest. Smiling, he moved to sit on the chair beside you, feeling it was appropriate now that you were awake. This close, he could smell the antiseptic on your skin, the overbearing flowery scent of the hospital lotion, and the faintest whiff of your shampoo still clinging to your hair despite the days it had been since your last shower.

“G’morning,” you mumbled, stretching lazily. Kakashi watched your movements, chuckling at the way you arched like a happy rabbit after a nap. It was cute and endearing, a movement Kakashi had gotten used to witnessing over the years.

Shifting the other direction, you winced, body instinctively jerking back into a ball. “Ow,” you grumbled, hand moving to put a little pressure on your side. With some effort, you managed to shift into a sitting position, still moving gingerly to somewhat satiate your aching limbs. “I thought I’d feel better today, but I guess not.”

Kakashi snorted dryly. “That’s a bit ambitious, don’t you think?”

You stopped rubbing your shoulder to stare at him. “What do you mean?”

What did he mean? Hadn’t the doctors told you? Surely they would have mentioned… Were you playing dumb or did you really not know? Kakashi stared at you for a moment, scrutinizing your confused expression, before his eyes dropped. He let out a breath, then another, trying to hide the pain blossoming in his chest.

He’d almost lost you.

“You were dying,” he said lowly, gaze fixated on his gloves. “By the time we got you back, we really thought you weren’t…” he shook his head, expression dark. “The medics thought you were already gone.”

It took a moment for you to respond. The doctors said your recovery was astronomical, that you’d been close to death, but the way Kakashi described it, so somber and broken, made the reality of the situation hit home.

You’d almost died. You’d almost lost everything you held dear.

You’d almost lost him.

Glancing back to Kakashi, you found him still lost deep within his thoughts. His expression was dark, fist clenched over his thigh, over what was intended to be your last message to him.

Carefully, you reached out and bushed a hand over his clenched fist. The action drew his attention back to you. “It wasn’t your fault,” you gently offered, stroking the back of his hand once more before pulling away. “I’m sorry you had to see me like that, but it’s okay. It wasn’t your fault.”

He huffed, scooting backward in his chair. “I should have got to you sooner! Protected you! If I’d asked, you could have sent me updates. I could have prevented you from getting hurt—”

“Will you stop with the narcissism!” you chided, wincing as you swung your feet over the edge of the bed.

He met your gaze, lone eye blinking once in surprise.

“I took the mission. I accepted the consequences of it. I knew what an infiltration would be like. I knew the chances of getting ambushed. You didn’t endanger me, Kakashi. You weren’t even supposed to be on that mission.” Your voice faded, soft and overwhelmed. “But you saved me anyway.” You ran your thumb under your eyes, catching the tears before they had a chance to fall. “So claim that. Stop… I need you to stop only claiming your failures.”

He clenched his fist, unclenched it, and nodded once. For the first time in a long time, you couldn’t read Kakashi’s body language at all. What was he feeling?

Part of you wanted to reach out and comfort him, but you didn’t. He’d made space between you for a reason. And as upsetting as it was, you were willing to honor that.

After a few minutes of silence, you plucked one of the flowers from the vase beside your bed. “Did Kurenai bring me the flowers?” You smiled, brushing a finger against the petals. “She accidentally picked my favorites.”

When you looked back up, Kakashi was staring at you again, cheek barely pinking over the edge of his mask.

He could read erotic novels in public, but you made him blush.

“Actually, I brought them.”

Freezing, you stared at him in surprise. “You did? How did you—?”

He flushed again, eyes fixing on the flowers rather than your face. “You buy pots of those every spring, but they always die because you’re out on missions. And you take daisies to the memorial stone a few times a month. You leave iris for your parents, and you bring peonies and cookies for the ANBU guards when you have meetings with the Hokage. And on the second Sunday of every month you’re both in town, you hide 100 tulips around the village for Gai to find.” When his eyes snapped back to yours, your shocked expression made him grow self conscious, scratching the back of his neck sheepishly. “I’ve, uh, been paying attention.”

“Why?”

He gestured to the room, pretending to misinterpret your question. “It’s so dull in here. I thought a little decorating wouldn’t hurt.”

You snorted at that, impossibly undignified but oh so delightful.

Of course Kakashi would stall now that he was here.

But… no. He was usually blunt when it came to bad news. So why was he stumbling through the conversation like he’d never spoken to you a day in his life?

Your face shot back to him at the realization, and he arched a brow under your scrutiny. Could he like you? Could you have a chance?

“Everything okay?” he asked gently, tone much more serious than before.

You’d worried him.

Before you could respond, Gai burst into the room with the second largest bouquet you’d ever seen in your life.

“(Y/n)! I heard Kakashi was with you, so I figured I’d bring you some flowers on my way to challenge Kakashi to a shuriken throwing challenge!” He set the flowers—which balanced precariously due to their immense size—on your bedside table, giving you a dazzling smile and a thumbs up.

Kakashi sighed, “Well, Gai, I was just here talking to her—”

What if you had been interpreting Kakashi’s expressions all wrong? What if he didn’t like you? What if this was all his way of trying to stay friends? Although you hoped for something else, the fear of rejection clawed at your throat like a Shadow Strangle Jutsu. This was your chance. The chance to get out of Kakashi’s rejection. Gai was the perfect opportunity.

“You should go!” You chirped, smiling at them both.

“I… what?”

“That’s the spirit, (Y/n)! It would be a shame for Kakashi to waste his precious youth not enhancing his physical prowess!” Gai dropped to his hands, beginning to do push-ups on the floor of your room.

Ignoring the incredulous look Kakashi sent your way, you wriggled your fingers at his bag. “What volume are you on? I need something to entertain me while you lavish in your youth.”

Kakashi scoffed at your statement before fishing the Make Out Violence novel from his pouch. He dangled it in front of your face. “Is this what you’re after?”

You grinned, snatching the book from his hands. “This just so happens to be the volume I’ve been waiting for.”

Kakashi blinked in surprise, feeling his face grow warm again. “You read Make Out Paradise?”

You smiled sheepishly under his gaze, fingers tracing over the edge of the cover. “Really, it’s all your fault. It was so boring waiting in line to reserve that new edition for you. I needed something to do.”

Because that gift from his soulmate, that gift had been from you.

“And now you’re moving on to book two?”

Embarrassed but pleased, you grinned up at him. “I may have figured out why you’re so hooked on them.”

Kakashi laughed. Just a short huff, but still. Could you get any more perfect?

He was about to respond again when Gai grabbed his shoulder, already taking his ear off as he dragged Kakashi out the door.

You settled in with your—Kakashi’s— book, pleased for the reprieve but missing him all the same.

~

Delving into Make Out Violence was both a blessing and a curse. You lost track of time as you devoured the pages, and the story was so riveting that you barely thought about Kakashi. Though, every time you took a break, love—that sickening concept you didn’t even want to consider in reality—was at the forefront of your mind. So you dove into the novel again with renewed fervor, completely unaware that Kakashi had hopped through the open window. That is, until a warm voice interrupted your reading.

“Having fun?”

In surprise, you snapped the book shut, embarrassment washing over your expression. “A bit. How was the competition with Gai?”

Kakashi shrugged, dragging the chair he’d occupied that morning so he could sit directly beside your bed. “It was fine. Nothing out of the ordinary for Gai.”

“Thanks for the book,” you murmured, passing it back to him. “Maybe I can borrow another one of your copies again sometime.”

He took the novel, setting it down on the bed beside you, only to take your hand in his.

His hands were warm even through the gloves, and his fingertips traced over your skin delicately, as though afraid his touch would somehow hinder your healing.

“(Y/n), we need to talk.”

Despite only holding your hand, he could sense the way your entire body went rigid. “Kakashi, please—”

“(Y/n). I almost lost my soulmate this week.”

You bit your lip, trying to ignore the faint stinging in your eyes. He was right, you were being selfish. It wasn’t like you were the only one who had a terrible, terrifying week.

You just didn’t want to lose whatever you had with him.

Squeezing your eyes shut, you didn’t bother to mask the strain in your voice. He already knew how you felt about him. “We can be friends. Anything you want. I just… I don’t want to lose this. You. I don’t want to lose you. Even though I was being so selfish—”

“I read your message,” he said softly, gaze fixated on the bend of your wrist as your hand flexed in his own. “I’ve read it so many times,” he laughed, strained from holding onto unshed tears. “I’d get it branded on my body if I could. Parts of it, anyway.”

He shook his head, looking back to your face. He didn’t miss the shocked expression, nor did he miss the tears still frozen within your eyes. He shook his head again. “I can’t believe how lucky I’ve been, that it was you and you were here all along. And then you almost died and I…” He paused, gaze still tracing along the bend of your wrist.

“You..?” With bated breath, you watched his eyes, the pull of his lips through the mask, anything to give away what he was thinking.

“I can’t stand the thought of losing you. Not after how much you’ve grown to mean to me.”

Your heart thundered in your chest. Was he accepting you or rejecting you? Your breath shuddered over your lips, hand trying not to clench his too tightly. “What does that mean? For us?”

Kakashi leaned forward, pressing a masked kiss to your temple. “It means I want to take you for dinner when you get out of here. And—” he stood, letting go of your hand to walk toward the door. The sun was setting. Visiting hours were coming to a close. “Keep the book. I’d hate for you to be bored while I’m gone.”

With that, he vanished from your room, leaving you to wonder exactly what he wanted from you.

Tossing and turning that night, you couldn’t sleep, not with Kakashi’s words ricocheting through your mind. He cared about you, but he was putting distance between you. He was being aloof, just like the cautious jonin he was, but he was exposing vulnerable aspects of his soul to you.

Everything was so damn complicated, and you knew you wouldn’t be able to sleep until you’d gotten an answer to the questions burning a hole in your tongue.

It took a few minutes to sit up, but clicking the pen against your wrist had become second nature to you after so many years. You just wanted to know what he was thinking.

Do you love me?

He scribbled a reply a few minutes later, and you wondered if maybe he was just as terrified as you were, if maybe he couldn’t sleep because he was thinking of you, too.

Not like you want me to, but I could. Someday soon.

The thought sent hope skittering through your chest, but you tamped it down. He hadn’t wanted you. He still probably didn’t want you. You were a liability. You were a danger to his way of life. You were—

Ink stained your hand, trickling down your arm, as you realized the pen had snapped under the strength of your palm.

Without a way to stand on your own, you stared at the drying ink, trying to think of anything other than the fear in your chest, the longing in your heart, the nervousness bubbling under the surface.

Kakashi was stuck to the wall beside your window a few minutes later, staring worriedly through the glass.

An ink stain. Of course, he’d worried something was wrong.

He’d been awake waiting for your reply.

He’d been awake because of you. For you. The thought made you dizzy.

Silently, he slipped through the window, crouching worriedly beside your bed. Whatever pretense of nonchalance he kept up during the day, he dropped it now, just for you. “Are you alright?”

You nodded once, stiffly, mind still racing with the situation. Your friendly banter from the morning disappeared, words dried up as your emotions increased tenfold.

A million thoughts rattled through your mind, but you finally settled on one. “You told Gai you couldn’t love me.”

He cocked his head, confusion furrowing his lone brow.

“You were… it was a training day. You were talking about soulmates. And you told Gai that you couldn’t love a soulmate, so it didn’t matter if you didn’t find them…”

Your eyes were watering, and you looked away until you felt the warmth of Kakashi’s fingers circling your own. His hand clung to yours with renewed fervor, though the interaction still held the same touch of softness that it always held when you were injured. Comfort. It has always been an attempt to comfort you, a silent word of compassion. But now that he knew you were his soulmate, would his gestures hold the same meaning?

His voice, coupled with a gentle tug on your hand, had you vanishing into his gaze yet again.

“Soulmates are supposed to be your other half, right?” he asked softly. “If you’re mine, then maybe the whole soulmate thing can work out.”

Even in the moonlight, you could see the blush peeking over the edge of his mask.

You’d stood beside him through thick and thin. You fussed. You took care of him. You let him take care of you. You bought books for him, and he watched your favorite movies with you. He took you out to your favorite restaurants, and you always paid for him. You trained with the strength of a hurricane, and you always kept him mentally and physically on his toes. But no matter what, you’d both been able to rely on one another. It wasn’t romantic love, not yet, but it was the closest thing Kakashi had ever experienced to romantic love. He was close to being in love with you, and the revelation of the soulmate bond had changed those feelings very little.

He’d always been on the precipice of falling in love with you. Now that he knew you and he were destined for one another, the proposition of falling didn’t seem all that terrible anymore.

“If it’s me, you think it’ll work?”

This time, he flushed fully, pinking to the edge of his hairline. “Yeah. You’re… you’re perfect for me.”

Then, it was your turn to grow bashful under his praise. Perfect. He thought this could work because you were perfect. Not perfect in general. Not perfect to him. But perfect for him, with all of your many imperfections.

He wasn’t in love with you. He wouldn’t say it yet. But he was falling, and that was impossible to ignore.

His words left you lost in another world. All this time, he was rejecting his soulmate for fear they wouldn’t truly be his other half. But you were his other half, and he could see that now. He could love you. He could see a future with you. He could—

Kakashi’s warm voice brought you back to the present, hand still gently squeezing your fingertips. “Did you hurt your hand?”

He cares.

“No,” you whispered, shaking your head. “No, just a little ink.”

Kakashi stood, striding toward the other side of the room. He washed his hands under the sink before returning a moment later, damp rag in hand. This time, he sat on the edge of your bed, hand enveloping your own.

With slow, delicate movements, he swirled the rag across your skin, stealing the ink from your skin almost as effortlessly as he’d stolen your heart. If only you knew how easily you’d done the same.

“I was so scared you’d hate me when you found out,” you whispered. His hand tensed under your own, but he didn’t stop his ministrations. You continued, “Since I kept talking to you, both as your soulmate and myself, I was so worried you would feel betrayed.”

“I did,” he murmured quietly. “At first.” He flipped your hand, wiping away the stray trails of ink that had escaped from your palm. “When I got the message, I couldn’t believe that you’d… after all this time, it was you. And when we found you almost dead, I thought the world was punishing me again, just like everyone else…” Looking away, he began wiping the remaining ink spots off his hand, leaving your fingers to fiddle with the fabric on his knee. “But on the way back, all I could think about was the things I’d said to you. How could you trust me after I so blatantly pushed you away? How could you look me in the eye and put your faith in me when I hurt you so deeply? The fact that you’d tried to stay by my side after everything, the fact that you put your faith in me to keep you safe, after all the things I’d said to you… you never betrayed me. You’ve been by my side all this time, and I want to be by yours. Completely.”

You squeezed his knee, searching his face for any sign of illusion. “Is this real?” you whispered. “I want this to be real.”

Kakashi smiled, eyes crinkling as he took your hand. You looked dazed and happy as you stared at him; he’d never encountered anyone else so stunning.

Before he could stop himself, he leaned forward, brushing a masked kiss over your forehead, then your eyebrow, and finally your cheek. The pressure sent sparks across your skin, and you squeezed his hand a little bit tighter.

He hovered over your lips, breath ghosting across your skin through the durable material of his mask. You leaned forward, nudging his nose with your own. It was a silent message that you wanted his affection as much as he craved yours.

His breath puffed against your lips once again, and his voice, barely audible, filled the minuscule space between you. “Would you mind closing your eyes?”

Instantly, you complied, proving to him yet again how lucky he was to have met you. You put your faith in him time and time again, and he promised himself in that moment under the moonlight that he would do everything he could to be as compassionate a partner as you had been for him.

One of Kakashi’s hands released from yours, and you faintly heard the brush of fabric against skin. Your stomach fluttered as you felt his breath on your face again, warmer and closer than before.

And then his lips caught against yours, a gentle press against your tingling skin. His hand cupped your cheek, and you melted against him. The scratchy blankets and the faint hoot of owls faded into the background. Everything seemed to disappear except for you and Kakashi and the oh so delicate kiss between you. From the brush of his lips, so soft and tentative against your own, you sighed, leaning into him even more than before.

He groaned when the two of you pulled away. “I can’t believe I waited so long for that. Make Out Paradise really doesn’t do it justice.”

Make Out Paradise also hadn’t prepared him for the way his heart would race at the sound of your laughter.

“Are you sure?” you asked, reaching toward your bedside table. “Surely there’s a good passage in here somewhere.”

If it meant more time by your side, Kakashi was willing to spend an eternity searching the pages with you, stealing kisses for every paragraph you skimmed through.

~

In the morning, the nurses were alarmed and horrified to find Kakashi Hatake laying in your bed, one arm wrapped gently around your side, masked nose nuzzled into your neck. On the other side of you, his fingers brushed the cover of a well-worn Make Out Violence novel.

It was indecent, a break of protocol, and, most of all, a shameful mockery of their hospital security. But when you woke to find Kakashi’s nose tucking a little closer into your neck, a mumbled “good morning” slipping into your skin, neither of you could think of a more fitting way to wake up. For the two of you—soulmates, real soulmates—the scenario was somehow perfect.

He wasn’t one to care about looking indecent. You could certainly get behind that.

You welcomed sappy, romantic gestures. Kakashi was willing to privately oblige.

Yeah, you both thought, the soulmate thing could definitely work out.

Masterlist

A/N: Don't mind me casually fandom hopping again. This fic has taken ages to finish, but I'm so excited with the result! I have several more Kakashi fics currently underway, so I hope to get a few of them finished sometime soon! Have a nice day! :)

[leonajasmin-writeblr]

Thank you for the tag @westywrites! I really enjoyed reading your snippets. The words I was given were worldbuilding related: world, land, ocean/sea, and city/town! I'll be using Part 1 of The Mastery:

WORLD:

“I managed to get out early, almost thirty years ago. Relatives have changed appearances and have had time to bring more lives into the world. I need to see if they have discernible features.”

“Why would I feel inclined to celebrate my life when I’m not happy with it? The woman who brought me into the world is nothing more than a rotting corpse and the man who put me in her doesn’t give a crap.”

Considering Arima had only been a thing for one-and-a-quarter centuries, the origins were still so vague to us modern folk. We presumed there was a world outside of the dome, but what was outside there was hiding itself from us.

“Don’t you dare talk about my arm in such a way. I lost my arm playing a game. A game that children should be able to play in peace without a fear in the world. I was ten, Luka. Ten!”

I was only five when I last saw Roman, but my memories of him were still so vivid. On the rare occasion I had a good regression, I went back to the times where we were together without a care in the world.

“If I could get a perfect solution together, I’d have enacted it long ago. But the world is screwed up and humanity is selfish, so I have to compromise."

“She holds out hope for good things, but acts like she’s given up on the world. I’ve known her long enough to know she’s not confident enough to show the real her. It’s sad that she doesn’t.”

Everyone in this family died or kept secrets. That was how the world worked, whether I liked it or not.

“Aid and No think the world of her to boot,” Uzo remarked, “So if that’s true and they become girl dads, their daughters will be fine.”

“You’re a Master. I know you have a good work ethic ingrained in you, but if you don’t get excellent grades, it’s not the end of the world. You don’t need a job. I know you have one, but it’s not necessary.”

“I guess I have to thank him for bringing you into the world.”

I was crying because my whole world had turned upside down.

I couldn’t hear their words, but Sebastian looked hurt and angry. Angry at the world rather than him being angry directly at Phineas. I’d ask what this was all about at another time.

My ability came late. There were a bunch of conspiracies why; some said it was because I took my sweet time coming into this world, others because Dimitri and Tolys were also late bloomers so it must’ve just been an Ivanov thing.

LAND:

"We know its natural value; Phinea’s economy remains weak so may not have done extractions to the same extent we would, thus not knowing its potential. Without that knowledge, Elena would be useless land apart from a natural border- it’s not arable and only has a small population.”

The people of Vanska had many opinions as to what happened the day the airship crashed. Some believe it was a mistake Romulus hadn’t fixed in time. Others believe that Grandfather commanded he crashed the ship. Others believed Romulus intended to murder Grandfather. Even more others thought Grandfather had suddenly died and Romulus was so panicked that he couldn’t land the ship safely.

The Free Transport Zone. Phinea and Willsborg had managed to shove Anthonian’s out of the land right up against the Central Empire's wall and had a train line running straight along the side of it. Since declaring it as either Empire would be a declaration of war with Anthonia, it was just deemed ‘free land’. AKA, it belonged to everyone bar Anthonia, despite being in Anthonia.

OCEAN/SEA:

I haven't used either word as there aren't any seas or oceans in my novel, only lakes, rivers, and canals :)

CITY/TOWN:

Even though Mindeya was in Eastern Phinea, there had been anti-Anthonian groups emerging throughout the city and Empire regarding the illegal immigrants foremost. Sure, there were a few bad apples, but I didn’t see the majority as thieving scammers like they were portrayed as. I’d met quite a few in my darker days- they too had resorted to bad things to forget their traumas for a few hours.

He twiddled his thumbs, “My name is Augustus, although I’ve always gone by August. You know that, Sebastian. You also know I live in a village which is a short train journey outside Mindeya; I visit the city to do my shopping."

Miriam asked if we had missed anything in the woods- we hadn’t- before asking about Mindeya. Nothing to do with its inhabitants, but about the city itself.

Uzo’s father was Head of the Willsborg Merchant Navy. Canals and rivers veined through their Empire, so trade and transport were largely done on barges and boats. When I was getting set up with Noah, I’d been taken on a tour from their usual townhouse in the city to their mansion in the nearby countryside.

Anyone in the region it’s hosted in gets to put a bid in for a slot at a contest, and those who do have to bring their best fruit, veg, and flowers to their region’s city to get assessed. There’s usually a voting panel consisting of the Grand, Secondary, and Tertiary Masters, as well as the Mayor of the city and the Regional Leader. There’s a bunch of prizes on offer given by local companies in exchange for promotion, and they’ll win a set amount of those if they win.”

“Geeze,” He sighed, “Well, we’re on the outskirts of the city now. Best of luck in whatever you’ve been asked to do, kiddo.”

“Not much has happened in Ingla since the last meeting was only ten weeks ago,” Sardonicism dominated his tone, “But all my grandchildren are doing well. All bar my eldest are in school and have started the new academic year, and Anguo will be doing his first formal visit to another city on his own next month.”

I only have one instance of town, bar two locations called ___town. I won't include those as they'd make this post twice as long haha:

“It’s pretty dull,” Sebastian answered, “And small. Only the rich live there, and we don’t have many rich people in Phinea anymore; they’re all in the offshoot towns. And there’s only a few buildings that’re generally impressive.”

I’m going to keep the worldbuilding/geography theme and ask my tags to find the words tree, flower, river, and sky. Andddd my tags are going to be @rhiannon-writes, @el-norawrites, and tagging @westywrites back! Only if you want to of course, and I’m happy for anyone to partake/tag me in their tag games :)

[helly-watermelonsmellinfellon]

God, I am so stressed out! We're supposed to get a call from some place that can supposedly help us out considering how long we've been homeless, but it'll only happen today or tomorrow. And considering how things go for us, mom and I aren't expecting them to call at all. Or, if they actually call, they'll have decided we don't fit the requirements somehow and therefore can't get any help.

It's just a waiting game. Mom is still applying to new places opening up all the time. I've had to sign so much shit and make copies of my ID. It's annoying but necessary. We've been on some of these lists for more than 18 months. The housing crisis in Delaware is so bad that we've been on certain waiting lists for over a year and a half.

The main struggle is having a roof over our head, food in our stomachs, and gas in the tank so we can get anywhere. We've been officially homeless for almost 9 months now. We've been paying to stay in the worst places imaginable. I have to kill roaches every single day. I'm sleeping on the floor. For 9 months I've slept on the floor due to lack of room and my back is killing me. We can't seem to catch a break.

Do you know how much money had been spent just to keep us from having to live in a van full-time(we've actually had to sleep in it a few times before in random abandoned parking lots. It sucked.)? The only think that keep us here is if a rich relative died and actually cared enough to leave mom or me some money in their will. And I have plenty of rich relatives who all feel that homeless people only become homeless because they're lazy. They won't help us as a 'lesson on hard work' despite how they all married into generational wealth and none of them actually work themselves.

We have until August 31st. We have no guarantees after that. I'm going to have to turn comms off on Ko-Fi despite how that's our main source of income right now, and I don't know when I'll be able to turn them back on.

[kyoomiii]

♡ Sick days [hcs]

- ✎ characters ❝ kageyama, ushijima, kenma and tsukishima ❞

- [ trigger warning(s): none other than maybe one curse word ]

- ⚘ genre ❝ fluff ❞

❝ in light of the current situation i hope everyone is staying safe and healthy. we can get through these tough times together. (๑˃̵ᴗ˂̵)و ❞

-kyo  ♡

Kageyama knows something is wrong the moment he wakes up that morning, the irritating tickle in the back of his throat and the sudden heat that engulfs his body confirms his suspicions, but even so he refuses to let it bother him, pushing even the thought of being sick to the back of his mind as he departs for school.

Though unfortunately, the day passes agonizingly slow for him, and by the time it finally ends he had managed to fall asleep in almost every single one of his classes prompting multiple scoldings from varying teachers which only heightened his pounding headache. 

Even so, he brushes it off with mild annoyance as he changes out of his school uniform and into his practice attire, a small pit of dread forming in his already aching stomach knowing you’d be there waiting for him, and that you’d definitely notice his odd behavior.

As he enters the gym, the familiar squeaking of shoes almost sets his mind at ease, a trickle of relief flowing through him as he basks in the success of hiding his condition and that surprisingly, you were nowhere to be found. However, the moment is short-lived once he spots Hinata, who squints in his direction as if he had grown three heads.

“What are you staring at boke.”

“Nothing… I guess you just seem a bit- weird today.”

“It’s fine- I’m fine! Let’s just practice already!”

But throughout the entire practice, his vision only seems to get hazier, and his head only seems to hurt more as his tosses become less and less consistent, resulting in snickers from Tsukishima, and more shouts from Hinata, until eventually he just collapses in a pile of sweat, an overwhelming ache shooting throughout his bones,  and at this point he no longer cares about the current activity, all he wants is you.

“Crap- Kageyama! Someone get y/n”

And much to his relief, you come in rushing soon after his collapse, Sugawara having moved him into a slightly more comfortable position prior to your arrival.

“y/n…”

“I’m here Tobio… You’re gonna be alright, your sister is here to take you home.”

It was almost scary how lifeless he seemed. Slumped in between Sugawara and Daichi, barely conscious as you run your fingers through his damp hair. The club is visibly startled as it takes a total of all the third years and Tanaka to haul the setter into his sister’s car as a result of his protest.

“No... Want y/n…”

The little whine that leaves him has you flushed, cheeks burning red as you simply nod, scooting into the backseat with him as he deliriously snuggles close to you, a violent shiver running throughout his body despite his unbelievably hot temperature.

The ride back to Kageyama’s house is relatively silent with the exception of the occasional groan or whimper from him. A wave of worry floods through you as you help his sister move him into his bed.

“I’m really sorry y/n, I have to get back to the shop, so can you please do me a favor and watch Tobio for a few hours?”

“I-Uh- Yeah.”

And like that it’s just you and Kageyama, who looks just as bad, if not worse than before the car ride. He’s shivering like a leaf as he curls closely into the blankets, face contorted into displeasure.

“Tobio…”

With a gentle caress to his sickly pale skin, you stand up to leave, a feeling of guilt swelling in your heart at the thought of leaving Kageyama alone, even if it were just a little bit of time as you quickly return with a damp towel to press to his drenched forehead.

He looks almost too peaceful as he relaxes into your touch, the cloth that’s pressed against his skin easing his discomfort all the more. His eyes flutter open, squinting to look up at you.

“I’m okay y/n.. I’m not sick.”

You’re almost in disbelief, and you would smack him for being so reckless if he weren’t so ill.

“You are. Why would you lie about that?（￣□￣；)”

But the gentle grin that stretches across his face disposes of any harsh feelings you may have for his lack of thought in regards to consequences.

“Thank you for taking care of me y/n…”

“Of course Tobio… Now get some rest… Boke.”

It had hit him like a brick. One moment he was fine, sitting in the corner of the gym before practice began, game in hand as some of the members shuffled about setting up the net, and the next he’s suddenly feeling a sort of dizziness in the back of his head.

It was all too familiar, the dizziness followed by an instant ache in his body as he slumps against the wall, eyes darting across the gym in fear of being noticed.

His game is slowly forgotten, as he dies repeatedly, unable to truly concentrate on the task at hand, due to the level of discomfort brought by the heat of his hoodie, but the almost painfully aching shivers that plague his small form convince him to keep it on.

He wishes you were here as he begrudgingly stuffs his game back into his backpack, unable to continue staring at the pixelated screen that has slowly but surely made him more dizzy than he was feeling moments ago. However, the thought of bothering you sets a pit of guilt at the bottom of his stomach, so he stays silent, suffering quietly as the other boys draw closer to finishing setting up. 

In less than three minutes, Kenma manages to fall asleep, legs hugged closely to his chest as he tries to make himself as small as possible in the confinements of his clothing. The gentle tap against his shoulder wakes him up. Kuroo looking over him worriedly, his usual smirk replaced with a frown.

“I’m calling y/n-”

“Please don’t…”

“Not an option.”

Kenma doesn’t have the energy to protest, his already low levels dropping even lower as he drifts between being conscious and unconscious. 

He doesn’t even realize you’re there until the familiar comfort of your touch lingers on his burning hot skin. The warmth makes you recoil in shock, much to his noticeable dismay. He looks so small and vulnerable as Kuroo helps you haul him home.

“Please take care of him y/n…”

And upon Kuroo’s departure back to school to finish the remaining practice, it’s just you and Kenma, who in this current moment has decided to burrito himself in his covers, the little lump that he’s created shivering harshly.

The sight makes you frown as you gently run your fingers over the fabric that he is using to shield himself. You had heard that Kenma would often get fevers after exerting himself when he was young, but everyone, including him had thought he had grown out of that phase. With a sigh, you stand from your spot at the edge of his bed, sending one last glance back before making your way to the kitchen to prepare something that would be easy to eat in his condition. 

As you stir the pot of rice porridge which seemed to be the easiest and quickest option, a small thump resonates throughout the relatively quiet house. A surge of worry filled you as you hurriedly set the stove to low, rushing to see what had caused the commotion. 

To your surprise Kenma lays in the middle of the hallway, his blankets still wrapped snugly around him as he wiggles his way into the living room. The image would be cute if said boy wasn’t currently suffering from a fever.

“Kenma? What are you doing out of bed?”

His response is so quiet, so delicate as you help him onto the couch.

“Missed you...:”

A soft smile graces your lips as you place a chaste kiss to his burning forehead. 

“I missed you too. Let’s get some food and medicine in you and we can go to sleep yeah?”

“...Okay…”

The lull of silence passes between the two of you as you return to the pot in the kitchen, you were sure that Kenma had fallen back asleep…

“I love you y/n…”

“I love you too Kenma”

Morning practice was something that Ushijima never missed out on. He was always there bright and early, dressed and ready before anyone else, including Tendou, who despite sharing the same dorm with, refused to get up at the butt-crack of dawn like his odd roommate. So when the rest of the team gathers, with Ushijima nowhere in sight, there’s a certain uneasiness that settles amongst the Shiratorizawa volleyball club.

“Where’s Ushijima-san… He’s never this late.”

“No idea-”

“Don’t you share a room with him Tendou-san…?”

“...Who told you that? ｢(ﾟﾍﾟ)”

“You did? (´_ ` ﾒ)”

Your mind zones out of the conversation, stuck on a certain ace who was more dedicated to this sport than anyone you had ever met, something you had learned to love about him. The fact that he wouldn’t show up like this was just-strange…

“You guys get started, i’ll go find him.”

“Okay here’s a key~ But if anything-”

“Tendou Satori!”

And with your cheeks flushed red, prominent glare on your face you head off to the boy’s dormitory, ignoring the glances of curiosity as you practically stomp your way through the halls.

Softly you knock on Tendou and Ushijima’s dorm room, only to receive silence. There’s a slight hesitancy to your actions as you slowly unlock the door.

“Toshi?”

You call once more only to be met with the soft breathing of an unconscious Ushijima. The sight is something that is truly a shock, Ushijima Wakatoshi NEVER missed practice because he slept in.

There’s a feeling of worry that settles in your chest as you approach him. Kneeling down you run a hand through his dark brown hair, the heat radiating from his skin causing a frown to form on your features. Gently, you shake his shoulder, calling his name once more.

“Wakatoshi?”

And like sleeping beauty, his eyes flutter open revealing deep pools of dark olive. His mind is a haze, eyes bleary as he looks up at you, and it’s then you notice the gentle flush of pink that tints the tip of his nose and both his cheeks.

“y/n…?”

His voice is hoarse, throat scratched dry, most likely from a coughing fit as he gazes at you confused.

Your frown deepens as he attempts to sit up, visibly wincing before he eventually gives up, body going limp as he lands back on the mattress with a slight huff. 

“It’s okay Toshi, just relax today, I’ll take care of you.”

To anyone else Ushijima remains stoic, however, knowing him as well as you do, you catch the slight upturn of his lips, and the small shift of emotion in his eyes as you press a soft kiss to his forehead.

A sigh leaves you as his eyes flutter shut once more, your lips purse as you call the main office notifying them of Ushijima and your absence, followed by calling Tendou who doesn’t believe a word you’re saying, but nevertheless delivers the message to the rest of the team, and lastly a call to a restaurant for some soup that would be easy on his stomach.

As soon as you finish all your calls, your attention is turned back to Ushijima. His face is scrunched in slight discomfort as he grips tightly at the blanket covering his body, and it’s then you catch the slight shiver the ripples through him.

Ushijima is a man of muscle, his body runs warm like a furnace, but in this moment he can’t help but feel unbelievably cold, despite the burning heat of his skin. So silently, as you take off your blazer and bow tie, folding it neatly and placing it on his desk, you crawl into his bed beside him, holding him close.

He stops shivering, cuddling closely to your body.

“...S’warm...”

“Don’t worry- I’m here.”

And you swear you could see the faintest smile ghost his lips as he settles in to your touch, basking in the much needed heat.

“Thank you y/n...”

Tsukishima could feel the oncoming sickness brewing in his system a day before it decided to smack him in the face. He’s not exactly surprised either, there’s always been this schedule since he was young which consisted of him being perfectly fine and healthy most of the year, and then dying for about a week somewhere in the winter months.

And after years of experiencing the same cycle, he’s become somewhat prepared to deal with whatever may come. Unfortunately though, he was not prepared when the flu decided to make its appearance as soon as his parents and Akiteru were out of town, leaving him to suffer alone.

With that being said, he wakes up one morning, feeling like absolute crap. His throat feels raw and scratchy, his body aches so badly that it just hurts to move, and his head is pounding so hard that he’s sure his brain has become mush.

He barely finds the strength to text you and Yamaguchi that he doesn’t feel very good, and then to his parents who unfortunately won't be back for a little while longer..

Immediately, the text has you worrying, Tsukishima NEVER missed school, and the fact that he decided to skip today meant that he was most likely really sick, and to top it off he was alone, with no one to check up on him, the thought alone put you in a state of mild anxiety.

As a result you spend most of the day with your thoughts scrambled, unable to focus as your mind constantly drifts back to Tsukishima, who has not texted you since that morning. 

You’re so anxious to see him that as soon as the last bell rings you practically rush to his house, using the spare key he had lent you in case of an emergency. 

Your steps are hurried as you enter the house, placing all of your stuff off to the side, then quietly making your way to Tsukishima’s room only to find him knocked out cold, sprawled on his bed cuddling close to a dinosaur comforter (something his mom got him when he was five, but doesn’t use unless he’s in need of real comfort).

The sight makes you smile softly as you set foot into the room, padding softly across the floor as to not wake him. His blonde hair is tousled and messy, some strands sticking to his sweat drenched forehead. Strewn across his bed is an assortment of empty water bottles, and beside his bed sits an empty teacup. 

It’s then the realization strikes you that he probably hasn’t had anything to eat since the day before, the thought making you frown as you brush the stray hairs from his forehead, a kiss being placed against the burning skin instead. 

Upon making your way into the kitchen, you begin to make a simple soup, something that would be easy on his stomach, but would still taste okay to eat. You don’t even notice Tsukishima opening the door to his room waddling out, bundled in his dinosaur comforter until a small thump can be heard from the couch. 

Once you finish the soup, you scoop up a small bowl before walking over to Tsukishima who lays on the couch staring blankly at the wall, he can’t seem to find the energy to make an snide comments, rather he’s just kind of grumpy and quiet mentally cursing life.

“Kei, I made you soup.”

“M’ don’t wanna eat… I’m too tired.”

“If you don’t eat you’re not going to get any better…”

He groans as you help him sit up, making sure to keep the blanket around him so he’d be at least a little more comfortable. When you get him settled you place the bowl in his hands, watching as his eyes squint at it.

“Something wrong?”

“...”

“Oh my god Kei, stop acting like a baby I didn’t poison it.  (；¬＿¬)”

“I don’t know that. ρ(￣ﾍ￣ ﾒ)”

It takes a minute for him to finish, but once he does he’s immediately curled up on the couch behind you, back facing you as you opt to begin today’s homework.

The room falls quiet for a moment, until the sound of shuffling fills the air, next thing you know Tsukishim has joined you on the floor, slithering his way into your lap until his head is resting on your thighs.

“Wow, who knew you could be so soft Kei.”

“- Shut up.................... Thank you for- everything. ( ˵¯͒＿¯͒˵)”

[veliseraptor]

So this is in NO WAY PRESSURING, get to this whenever you're bored and have nothing better to do, but I (have still not watched The Untamed) would love to hear any disorganized rambles around your fic 'Punitive Measures', like your thoughts while writing it, how you view Xue Yang's fight/flight/freeze instinct, and/or where you would take the plot if you ever came back to it (again, not pressuring, I'm not asking for a sequel, I'm asking for director's commentary. Also I know the mysterious flute was implying Wei Wuxian, I know that much and not much more.) It's a really fun, quick fic that I enjoy reading through while I keep circling around your longer, more intimidating stories. I aspire to write like you.

oh boy, well, I don't know that I ever have nothing to do but here I am answering this ask anyway, because I like talking about my fic even if I get self-conscious about it.

this entire fic falls solidly into the genre of fic I write that is legitimately just “I’m gonna fuck up this character I love because it’ll be fun and I love to do that” and then just kinda...went for it. actually harder than I was initially planning! my vague sense of what I was going to do with this fic didn’t have Xue Yang down an eye at the end of it.

but when inspiration strikes, what’s a girl to do, etc.

I actually thought recently about writing a sequel to this fic (or, well, continuing into the AU it started, more like) because the concept of Wei Wuxian and Xue Yang being bloodthirsty vengeance brethren is a very good one for me, personally, and at the point their paths would be intersecting in this AU a more plausible one than it would be at pretty much any other time (I would argue, at least in CQLverse). And that’s where I think this would be going. Because Xue Yang would see Wei Wuxian, in his bloodiest frame of mind, powered up with a gorgeous flute of bad vibes and go “fuck yes” even if he wasn’t in a place where he really needed the help.

The question I had was whether Wei Wuxian would be interested in accepting company, and I feel like Xue Yang on that front could be convincing. And the way that the latter would both enable and egg on all the former’s darkest fantasies and impulses...I’m just saying, Wen Chao and everyone he has ever known is in for a very bad time, possibly even worse than they already were.

I invite you to picture in this AU the part where Jiang Cheng and Lan Wangji find not just darker and edgier Wei Wuxian at the end of their scavenger hunt but darker and edgier Wei Wuxian with a friend. A familiar friend! Now down an eye and practically picking his teeth with Wen Chao’s finger bones. :D

since you asked for disorganized rambling I went back to reread and I’ll give you some director’s commentary on a few things

And he’d kind of hoped Wen Ruohan would be too busy figuring out how to deal with his brewing war to dedicate much attention to looking for one absent retainer. And even if he did, Xue Yang had sort of figured that finding him would fall to Wen Chao, who’d probably struggle to find his own ass with two hands.

kicking off this director’s commentary with Xue Yang’s brutal assessment of the competency of Wen Chao.

tbh one of my favorite things about CQL’s involving Xue Yang in the whole Sunshot storyline, despite the merry hell it plays with timeline stuff later, is how obviously little regard Xue Yang has for the Wens, even when they’re at the height of their power. He shows Wen Ruohan himself very little respect, and I can’t imagine anyone else getting more (except maybe Wen Qing, because Wen Qing is competent and if nothing else Xue Yang can respect competency).

and he just like. ditches them. walks out! promises to deliver very powerful magical artifact, and then gets what he wants and is like “smell ya later, peace” and they never catch him.

that’s just a kind of gutsiness and casual disregard for very powerful people that I really both love and respect about Xue Yang. and also that he has in common with Xiao Xingchen, tbh. and Song Lan (though him I think to a slightly lesser degree, partly because he has a little more tact and sense of societal norms as something relevant to be thinking about)! they can all vibe on that.

They took Jiangzai. Well. One of the Wen disciples took Jiangzai in the stomach and Xue Yang didn’t get it back.

this isn’t an important line or anything. I just like it a lot.

Wen Chao gestured again and he went down in a hail of fists and feet. Xue Yang tucked his chin down to protect his throat, curled his hands into his chest, and drew up his knees to guard his stomach.

He knew how this worked. Sure, it’d been a while since someone had beat him like this, but the lessons stuck. It was almost boring, really. If Wen Chao was going to play torture games then he could at least do Xue Yang the favor of trying to be creative.

He checked out the part of his brain that registered pain as anything other than a thing that was happening and focused instead on opportunities. Weaknesses in his assailants. Escape routes. Getting away would be the first thing. Nice if he could take a piece of Wen Chao with him on the way out - arm, or maybe even a head - but the priority was freedom and survival.

okay, this I feel like cuts into some of what you were talking about regarding Xue Yang’s fight/flight instinct, and also a lot of what if, I was feeling pretentious, I feel like this fic is digging into on a level under “what if I just tortured Xue Yang a whole bunch,” which is something about the relationship Xue Yang has to (a) pain and (b) his own body. Specifically, the relative indifference he has toward both. Or...not indifference, exactly, because it’s not like he’s enjoying himself, it still hurts. It’s just...expected.

unremarkable.

which is a lot of what I was trying to convey with Xue Yang’s narration during the whole torture sequence, with the commentary on methodology and how things are mundane or boring, because the suffering itself is mundane! as far as Xue Yang is concerned that’s exactly what suffering is! other peoples’, for sure, which is part of why it doesn’t matter, but also his own.

the world hurts and that’s just how it is and you learn how to cope with that. pain as...a thing that [is] happening.

I also, since you mentioned the fight/flight instinct, think a lot about how Xue Yang is, while he’s very proud and very stubborn, absolutely not someone to pick fights (in general) that he knows he can’t win. Xue Yang will almost always be on the side of “run and come back another day” over “stand and fight when all is lost.” survival, first and foremost.

which feeds into the weird paradox that I kind of hint toward at the end of this fic about Xue Yang as someone who has a definite death drive, who is profoundly obsessed with his own death in a lot of ways, and simultaneously is attached to staying alive above pretty much all else.

“Snap and snarl all you want,” he said. “You’re not going anywhere. And the only part of you I need intact is your tongue, so you can tell me where you hid the Yin Metal you promised. Everything else is optional.”

A prickle of fear rolled down Xue Yang’s spine and he flicked it away, baring his teeth.

I actually do think that, even before they get around to hand-specific trauma, permanent mutilation is one of those things that still scares Xue Yang. which is a short list! there isn’t much that actually either gets to or scares him, but I think the prospect of (further) mutilation does, because I think Xue Yang is very...acutely aware of the fact that his physical capability is a major factor in what has kept him alive and what, in all likelihood, is going to keep him alive moving forward. anything that threatens that capability, that limits him in terms of strength or mobility or otherwise has a disabling effect, is consequently going to be a short road to death, and Xue Yang would much rather die painfully fighting than die as a consequence of not being able to take care of himself.

for Xue Yang, the idea of a return to the kind of helplessness that is tied to his trauma is one of the worst possible prospects to contemplate. in my head this is exacerbated further by the fact that I figure Xue Yang didn’t get much if any medical care post hand incident, meaning that the recovery period was absolutely nightmarish and a whole stretch of time beyond the event itself where Xue Yang was struggling to survive because he’d been damaged.

in some ways I think that period of time probably did more to shape Xue Yang than the moment itself.

Wen Chao grabbed one of the branding irons from a disciple’s belt and pressed it to his stomach. That hurt. More. He clamped his back teeth together so he didn’t make any sound, absorbed the burn, owned it. His. You only hurt if you were alive. And anything you survived made you stronger.

Not that this was actually going to make him stronger. It was probably just going to make him dead. But then again, the worse this went the more resentment he’d have built up. He could use that. Would.

Dead didn’t have to mean finished.

obviously this is pulled almost direct from what Wei Wuxian himself says to Wen Chao. deliberate echoes based on character parallels! we love those.

and yeah, again here about Xue Yang and his relationship to pain, but in a less mundane way this time where it’s about pain as a tool, pain as something he can use. which is another thing about coping, I think - when pain and suffering are a regular part of your life, one way to deal with that can be to convert it into having some kind of purpose or benefit.

which in this case it definitely can. Xue Yang is definitely someone who, I think, has thought a lot about trying to arrange it so he becomes a ghost after he dies. or at least has thought a lot about what he’d do after dying to the person who killed him. 

and when you’re a necromancer by trade death really isn’t the end of the line anymore, just the start of a something new. Xue Yang’s relationship to life itself: about as jacked up as his relationships in general.

He felt the snap of bone in his teeth. Pain shooting up the side of his hand, all the way to his wrist, and Xue Yang couldn’t keep himself still enough not to try to wrench himself away. He swallowed his scream and turned it into a laugh. It was funny, wasn’t it? Funny, that he was back here, again. It wasn’t as bad, though. He knew how to take pain, how to breathe it in, make it part of himself, later turn it outwards magnified tenfold. They were old friends. Practically lovers. 

two things here:

1. the thread throughout this fic of Xue Yang making things funny so he can deal with them, here brought to you by reliving trauma! because it’s funny! right? laugh about it! just fucking hilarious.

I have a thing about characters basically deciding for themselves to make very unfunny situations funny because it makes them less awful.

2. and look, now he can deal with it better this time! he’s Learned. :) :) :)

Everything splintered. Splintered like bones under a wheel, and first thing he tried to struggle to get away but that just hurt worse and then old old old instincts kicked in and he went still, limp, dead.

“Did he faint?”

Someone nudged him with their foot. One part of him roared to grab that foot and rip it off along with the leg it was attached to. Immediately the same thing that’d made him play dead told him to wait.

at an end point where fighting is impossible and running is also impossible, the only thing left to do is play dead and wait it out. this is very much, in my head, a reversion to a tactic Xue Yang hasn’t used in a very long time and does not want to be using now, because it is absolutely the recourse of the extraordinarily helpless with no way out.

which he has been! and is now, but he really really really doesn’t want to be. Xue Yang has built his life around not being that, ever again.

but here it’s not a move he makes planning to turn it around the way he does, not at first. he gets there, but when he first does it I think it is literally just instinct that goes enough is enough and shuts down.

Wen Chao, Wen Chao, Xue Yang thought. My body’s going to give out before I do.

someone should remind me at some point maybe (or not) to write something coherent about my Xue Yang vs. his own body thoughts. specifically the way that, while Xue Yang is very physical and very grounded, I think he has a somewhat antagonistic relationship with his own body, actually. not completely! he definitely respects what it can do for him! but I think he also treats it a little as a slightly separate entity that’s capable of betraying him rather than as a fully integrated part of himself.

not always! but it’s a little bit there. this idea that sometimes his body, and its capacity to be hurt or damaged, is a weakness that he’d like to be able to forgo entirely, if only it wouldn’t mean losing all the good things about having a body. and that’s present here in this line, for me, where he thinks about himself and his body as slightly separate, and his body as something weaker than its Xue Yang core.

[krappykawa]

ಌ i mildly like you more than like (p.4) 

— in which an incessant fan girl, a kiss, and a little bit of denial makes oikawa tooru realize he might mildly like you more than like

description. you’ve been in love with oikawa tooru for longer than you can remember. having known him for the better part of nearly 11 years, you’ve come to accept that you’ll never be more than a best friend to him. but with the help of a few irritatingly persistent fangirls and a kiss that was only meant to drive them away, a tale of unrequited love might just prove to be something more.

warnings. language

word count. 3.8k

oikawa tooru x f!reader, childhood best friends to lovers, fluff, some angst

parts. 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6

1 new message: tooru ଘ(੭*ˊᵕˋ)੭

Received: did you get home safe?

1 new message: tooru ଘ(੭*ˊᵕˋ)੭

Sent: yes (´｡• ᵕ •｡`) ♡ 

1 new message: tooru ଘ(੭*ˊᵕˋ)੭

Received: what’s with the hearts?? … did something happen with captain pretty face?

1 new message: tooru ଘ(੭*ˊᵕˋ)੭

Sent: captain pretty face?  

1 new message: tooru ଘ(੭*ˊᵕˋ)੭

Received: that was hard enough to type y/n-chan i’m not saying it again (>_<)

1 new message: tooru ଘ(੭*ˊᵕˋ)੭

Sent: he bought me a cup of frozen yogurt and free frozen yogurt makes me happy :D

1 new message: tooru ଘ(੭*ˊᵕˋ)੭

Received: that’s good to hear

1 new message: tooru ଘ(੭*ˊᵕˋ)੭

Received: i think i’ll crash for tonight, don’t stay up too late

1 new message: tooru ଘ(੭*ˊᵕˋ)੭

Received: goodnight y/n-chan ٩(◕‿◕｡)۶ sleep well

Oikawa sets his phone down on his nightstand and lets out a heavy sigh as his fingers come up to massage his eyes. His gaze comes up to the ceiling, eyes locking on a picture of you, him, and Iwaizumi that’s surrounded by bounds of glow in the dark stars. It’s from your first year -- the first time that he’d lost to Shiratorizawa. 

He’s laying a head on your shoulder, looking dejected in comparison to the grin on your face as you hold your arm up for the selfie. On his right sits Iwaizumi with a mildly confused look on his face as he pokes Oikawa’s shoulder with a lone chopstick. Oikawa feels a grin crawl up onto his lips as he stares at it. He wonders for a moment how different he’d felt about you then. He wonders if first-year him felt the same fluttering in his stomach laying his head on your shoulder the way it does now. 

The grin fades when he remembers that that fluttering should’ve died the moment he started dating Hishoko. He knows that it should’ve. 

And yet, despite it all, he ends up calling you at 3AM in the morning, feeling that same familiar feeling when he hears your mildly fatigued voice on the other end. 

He falls asleep to the sound of your laugh. 

You thought that maybe it would get easier. You thought that maybe your heart wouldn’t ache every time you saw Oikawa’s fingers wrapped around Hishoko’s smaller ones. 

It doesn’t. Not when Oikawa still smiles at you like you’re the best thing to happen to him. Not when his eyes still look for yours whenever you enter a room. Not when he still calls you in the middle of the night to tell you about his day because it’s well past midnight and he just can’t fall asleep. You decide that maybe you’d let him tear your heart bit by bit every day for the rest of your lives if it meant that he would always love you the way he does now -- even if it’ll never be in the way that you want. 

It seems like maybe you could actually do just that, to love him from a distance for the rest of your lives, when suddenly it hits you that this isn’t like the other times he’d gotten a girlfriend. That something about loving him now is different. Maybe it was the kiss you shared, or maybe it’s something else, but you realize for the first time that maybe you can’t keep holding on to him the way you do. This realization comes after Aoba Johsai’s first win of the Preliminaries. 

You’ve been going to every single one of Oikawa’s and Iwaizumi’s games for as long as you can remember. The only two games you missed was a day in which some bad planning landed a date with Kaoru on the same day as one of their games, and the other was when you were forced to take an extra shift at the bakery.  

Hishoko stands next to you, speaking quietly to you. You feel relaxed as she speaks, the tenseness in your muscles ebbing away with every soft word from her lips. Despite her relationship being the cause of the ache in your heart, you can’t find it in you to fault her. She’s a friend to you now, no matter what happens with Oikawa. 

Your eyes follow the small figures of your best friends as they huddle up, and a smile slips onto your face when Matsukawa looks up at you and smiles that tiny smile that he only reserves for people he really cares about. Hanamaki follows his line of vision and blows a kiss in your direction, which you make a show of catching and stomping on. 

But then Oikawa turns and smiles like he’s ready to take on the world and you think that the ground might fall out from under you. Because for a moment you think that smile is for you, but you remind yourself that you’re sitting next to his girlfriend. The knife in your heart twists. 

The game goes by the way you expect it, with Aoba Johsai winning after two relatively easy sets. You wait with Hishoko in the lobby afterwards, waiting for the team. 

It’s only when Oikawa walks out and Hishoko runs up to him and pulls him into a kiss that it finally hits you. It hits you for the first time that you might not be able to do this. That despite everything, you might not be able to watch them fall in love when Oikawa still has a firm string tied to your heart. 

You try not to cry as you run into Iwaizumi’s arms and stay there. He’s understanding. 

Hanamaki and Matsukawa each throw an arm around you. Hanamaki ruffles your hair. Matsukawa offers to hold your hand. 

For a bit, it doesn’t hurt as much. 

You think that maybe the world hates you when you’re about to close up the bakery and Kaoru walks in. You had to leave shortly after the game, but your shift was only until 6 pm today, so you didn’t really mind. Oikawa, Iwaizumi, Hanamaki, and Matsukawa were going to spend the night at your house to watch a movie anyways, so you didn’t feel too bad about leaving them so early. 

“Hey,” Kaoru says as he walks up to the counter. If there’s anyone that you would rather not see right now, it’s him. 

You try your hardest to muster a convincing smile. “Did you want to order?”

Kaoru rolls on the balls of his feet and you already know from when you dated that he’s about to ask you something big. You remember because he confessed to you while rolling back and forth on the balls of his feet. “Actually, I was hoping to ask you if you’re free today?”

You almost laugh at yourself at that point. Here’s your perfect-on-paper ex-boyfriend asking you on a potential date, and you can’t find it in you to say no because you’re still thinking about another brown-haired volleyball captain that’s probably happily smiling at his girlfriend right now. 

“Not today, no. I made plans,” you reply with an apologetic smile. 

You try not to notice the way he seems to deflate. “Oh that’s okay. You’re closing up though right? I’ll buy two cupcakes and walk you home if you want?”

“As friends?”

You can’t seem to understand why he decided to ask you this today, of all days. 

“Sure. As friends, if that’s what you want.”

“Okay,” you say because you’re only human after all. 

You feel the tears flow down your face the minute that you close the door after thanking Kaoru for the nice walk.  

The tears come hot and heavy because you think that it’s fucked up how you’ve got a guy that’s so obviously still in love with you, and you still can’t love him back. All because you’re in love with your dumb, stupid, oblivious best friend. 

You wish that you’d never taken him up on his offer to kiss him in order to get the fangirls off his back. If you’d never kissed his lips, then maybe you wouldn’t be as hopeless as you are now. But you did, and now all you can think about is him and why -- just why -- the kiss hadn’t meant something to him the way it meant something to you. 

You’re still curled up on your couch with tears leaking out of the corners of your eyes when the doorbell rings. The clock on the wall opposite to you tells you that it’s not even close to the time that you and the others had set for your movie night. 

“Give me a second!” With as much haste as you can muster, you run to the kitchen and attempt to rid your eyes and face of the redness that crawled onto your features. A quick glance at the window tells you that you didn’t do a very good job, but it’d be more suspicious if you took more time. 

You open the door to find Iwaizumi standing there, his expression changing the moment he lays eyes on you. “You’ve been crying,” he says.

“No.”

“I’m not Oikawa, Y/N.” He closes the door behind him before looking back at you. “You don’t have to try so hard to hide your feelings around me.”

You sigh to yourself and make yourself busy with cleaning up the randomly scattered objects littering your floor. “I don’t do that.”

“Right,” he snorts. “You’ve been walking on eggshells with him ever since he’s started dating Hishoko, it doesn’t take a genius to notice.”

Oikawa hasn’t noticed, you think bitterly. He’s been able to read you like the back of his own hand his entire life, and yet, he seems to be completely oblivious to the way your heart belongs to him. 

“Yeah, well he hasn’t noticed, so I guess doing alright,” you shrug.

“He notices.”

Your head whips up faster than it should’ve and Iwaizumi raises a brow at you. You bow your head. “Oh.”

Iwaizumi sighs before taking a seat on your couch. “Not in the way you think he does though. Knowing that shithead, he’s probably come up with some bullshit excuse for why you’re acting different.”

“And what would that be?”

“Kaoru.”

It’s a half truth. Kaoru has been putting you on an extra edge lately. You two kept on friendly terms after your breakup, but you rarely saw him. At least, you barely saw him before. Now you see him nearly everyday, either in passing in the hallways or at Takeru’s volleyball camp. You’re not sure why he’s decided to start making the extra effort to see you now, months after your breakup. 

“He knows that I don’t like Kaoru like that anymore.” You’re sure that he should at least know that with how much you complain about the brown-haired baseball captain whenever Oikawa ends up calling you at some ungodly hour. 

Iwaizumi chuckles lightly, like he’s amused. “Does he really? Cause if he did, he wouldn’t be talking my ear off whenever Kaoru comes anywhere near you.”

“He does that?”

“Yeah, makes me want to punch him in the face. Maybe if his voice wasn’t so annoying …” There’s a smile on his face as he says it, so you know he doesn’t really mean it in a harsh way. 

A silence engulfs you as you head to the kitchen for a glass of water. You don’t know what Iwaizumi wants you to do with that information. At the end of the day, the way that Oikawa reacts to Kaoru is of no matter because he has a girlfriend who he seems happy with. At least, that’s what you tell yourself. 

“Do you want something to eat?” You call from the kitchen. “You came early.”

As you walk back into the living room with a glass of water in one hand and a bottle of juice in the other, Iwaizumi looks up at you with that same worried gaze that he had on that first day that Oikawa had broken the news of his new girlfriend. “I wanted to check on you. It’s not healthy not talking to anyone about it. I know you’ve been avoiding it.”

You hand him the juice and sit down next to him. “I haven’t been avoiding it, I’ve just been … skirting around the problem.”

“You were crying because of him,” he says as he takes a drink from his juice. 

You shrug. “People cry, no big deal.”

“I can’t just stand here and watch while you tear yourself apart watching them. It’s like seeing your heart fall to pieces. It’s painful to see.”

“I’ll get over it, Iwa. I always have.” You train your eyes to your feet and try to stop yourself from feeling that same drop in your stomach. 

“No,” Iwaizumi shakes his head. “Something’s different this time and neither you or Oikawa are willing to tell me what the fuck went down between the two of you. So as much as I respect your privacy, tell me before I drag Oikawa’s ass over here and make you two sit here until you finally fess up.”

A small smile creeps up onto your face as you remember the way he looked at you after you pulled away from that kiss. Despite everything, that look is forever ingrained in your brain. “We kissed.”

Iwaizumi looks at you warily. “You … kissed? Don’t tell me that he…”

“No!” You’re quick to deny that assumption. “No, it was before he and Hishoko started dating. It was the day before we went for karaoke actually.”

Realization dawns in Iwaizumi’s eyes. “Christ. He’s so fucking dense it hurts me. How stupid is he?”

“What?”

“Nothing, he’s an asshole. I’ve got things to say to him later. But I came here for you. How are you really feeling?”

“It hurts I guess. I really thought … Iwa, he changed after we kissed. Something changed, I could’ve sworn it did.” You don’t even notice that you’re crying again until a tear falls into your lap. Iwaizumi places his arm around your shoulders. You smile gratefully at him. “But then he started going out with Hishoko and it was like waking up from a really good dream you know? I thought that maybe he finally liked me back but … I guess he didn’t.”

“That’s a lie and you know it,” Iwaizumi mumbles as he rubs your shoulders. You remember a similar conversation you had like this a year ago, when he confided in you about how he figured that he had a crush on Hanamaki. Though he’s since moved on to having eyes for the girl that sits to your right in class, it still brings back an odd sense of nostalgia. Iwaizumi chuckles from beside you. “Have you seen the way he looks at you? It makes me want to gag, but he loves you. That much I can tell.”

You shake your head. “He loves me as a best friend, just like he loves you. You know that.”

“Bullshit. That’s bullshit. He’s never looked at me the way he looks at you. You know that.”

You know that maybe Iwaizumi has a point, that maybe all the years you spent denying that Oikawa could ever see you as something else might have been in fruitless efforts. But, even if Iwaizumi has a point, Oikawa has a girlfriend. You don’t know what hurts you more - that Oikawa might actually love you the way that you love him but decided to get a girlfriend anyway, or that Iwaizumi is wrong and that Oikawa doesn’t think of you that way at all. 

“Whether he’s in love with me or not, that doesn’t really change the fact that he has a girlfriend,” you sniff. 

Iwaizumi sighs. “Yeah, well he fucked up.”

Before you can even think of a reply, the doorbell rings. Neither of you have even moved from your place on the couch before it swings open. 

“Makki, you can’t just go around opening people’s doors,” comes Matsukawa’s exasperated voice. 

There’s a snort, and you’re sure that Hanamaki’s about to reply with something mildly sarcastic until you find his eyes on you. Evidently, you forgot to rid your face of the evidence that you were just previously crying. “Woah, what’s going on here?” 

Matsukawa’s head appears right behind Makki’s shoulder. “Y/N? Why are you crying?”

You shuffle away from Iwaizumi’s hold and wipe at your face before moving to get up. “Nothing,” you say as you flick your arms.  “Just stressed.”

Matsukawa snorts. “Didn’t know that Oikawa’s name is ‘nothing’ now.”

Your head snaps up to where Hanamaki and Matsukawa are standing. They’re both looking at you with raised brows that are so similar that you have to suppress a shiver. 

“Does every person know?”

Matsukawa walks into your living room and puts his bag down next to your coffee table. Hanamaki follows after him. “No, just us. The rest of the team could really care less because they all have some weird massive crush on you, and Oikawa’s been living in denialville for a while now I think,” Matsukawa says as he takes Hanamaki’s bag from him to put it down next to his own. 

You slump back down against the couch, feeling a fatigue that you’re sure is a result from all the crying that you managed to do. Makki hurries towards you.  

“Ah, ah, ah. No getting down on yourself. Seriously though, moping over Oikawa? Not a chance. Come on, up, up,” Makki extends a hand towards you, but you simply look at it stubbornly. 

“No, you’re mean. I’d rather talk to Mattsun.”

Matsukawa smirks. “You hear that Makki? She likes me better.”

“Yeah, Mattsun’s my favorite.” You nod. “He’s nice to me and is only irritating when it comes to bombarding me with requests for lemon squares.”

Iwaizumi cocks his head from beside you. “Hey, what am I then? A pile of dog shit?”

“You transcend all of them, there’s no competition there. Though you might be marked down points for not carrying me everytime I ask.”

“So all I have to do is carry you? Fine then.” Before you can protest, Hanamaki takes you by the midsection and throws you over his shoulder. You slap his back in an attempt to get him to let you down. You can practically hear his crooked grin when he yells, “I’m not letting you down until you stop crying over a stupid brown-haired bitch!”

You hear Matsukawa yell out from where he’s leaning on the wall. “Yeah fuck brown-haired bitches!”

Iwaizumi scoffs, but even as you hang upside down, you can see the small smile gracing his face. “Mattsun, you have brown hair dumbass.”

“Okay then fuck brown-haired bitches.” You can’t see either of their faces, but you’re sure that Matsukawa is smirking at Hanamaki. You can only guess that Hanamaki has turned red from Matsukawa’s comment. 

“Oi! Don’t flirt with me when Y/N is crying over her love life! It’s rude.”

“Who said I was flirting with you?”

Hanamaki gasps dramatically. “So you want Y/N and Iwaizumi to fuck you then? I’m wounded.”

At this point, the blood is beginning to rush to your head. You continue to thrash around in Makki’s grip. 

“Makki, let me down!”

You can feel Hanamaki stand straighter and you’re sure that he has the stupidest triumphant grin on his face. “No. Not until you stop crying over captain pretty face.”

“Y/N-chan’s crying over who now?” 

You feel Makki freeze in the middle of his marching. Awkwardly, you turn to see Oikawa’s figure at the door from your position thrown over Hanamaki’s shoulder. You forgot that he was the only one that doesn’t knock. 

Something in Oikawa’s expression is odd.

“Makki, fix this or I cut off your dick,” you whisper into his ear. He gulps.

“Oh, hey Shittykawa. We’re just helping Y/N with her captain pretty face problems,” Hanamaki says. You already don’t like the way that this is heading.  

“Who … exactly is .. captain pretty face?” Oikawa’s eyes are on you. The irony of the nickname is not lost on you. You can only hope that the words that come out of Hanamaki’s mouth next are not the words you’re dreading. 

“Don’t worry. You’re not captain pretty face. Kaoru is!” The world does not seem to be on your side. 

Oikawa’s smile drops and suddenly you have the urge to cut Makki’s dick off anyways, because he just made this a lot, lot worse.

note. don’t read too much into the hanamaki-iwaizumi crush thing,, it’s really up for interpretation but at this point in the story, mattsun and makki have this weird will they-won’t they relationship so iwaizumi’s crush on hanamaki was unrequited and he never confessed. (also, iwaizumi’s crush on makki wasn’t huge, it was just important to him because it was how he realized that he liked guys too). 

taglist. @bumbledunce @angelkogane @waitforitillwritemywayout @mrsbakug0u @salty4tsukki @ppangiiroo @pharvhs @haksblade @whosmorales @yoitsseulgi @seijohreign @intheawks @smellssharpies

just send an ask to be added to the taglist!

[adarlingsnightmare]

Osamu Dazai Yandere Alphabet

this was requested by a lot of people and i wrote it awhile ago but am only posting it now bc i spent way too much time fussing over whether it was any good lol.

Affection: How do they show their love and affection? How intense would it get?

One word: smothering. Dazai's idea of affection involves robbing you of your privacy and getting in your personal space as much as possible. He doesn't even care if you're not comfortable with it, so for anyone who doesn't like being touched, he's an absolute nightmare to be with. He especially likes to wrap his arms around your shoulders from behind and stand like that for as long as possible.

Blood: How messy are they willing to get when it comes to their darling?

As messy as necessary! He's more likely to get messy with you than with rivals, though. He is a sadist, but now that he has his precious darling this is all directed towards you, meaning his rivals get fairly swift deaths if Dazai does decide they need to die.

Cruelty: How would they treat their darling once abducted? Would they mock them?

As previously mentioned, Dazai is a sadist, and therefore loves to cause his darling pain whether that be physical or emotional. Despite this, he can act sweet and loving too, especially if you're not resistant. He does occasionally mock you, but it's not his main tactic of hurting you.

Darling: Aside from abduction, would they do anything against their darling's will?

Yes, definitely. His darling's wants and needs are completely meaningless to him. To his darling, he may even seem oblivious, but the truth is he just doesn't care. You said you don't want him to spike your drink? Oh, well that's just too bad.

Exposed: How much of their heart do they bare to their darling? How vulnerable are they when it comes to their darling?

Surprisingly, Dazai will actually be himself around his darling, rather than putting on a persona. He believes that since he loves you, you should know his true self. You're the only person in the world who will ever get to see the real Dazai, though that isn't necessarily a good thing. Don't get excited though, this doesn't mean he is vulnerable, in fact he is probably worse now he doesn't have to restrain himself.

Fight: How would they feel if their darling fought back?

Mostly amused. A part of Dazai enjoys someone who fights back and won't give in easily, in fact you could even argue he is somewhat masochistic since he gets rather excited by your anger towards him.

Game: Is this a game to them? How much would they enjoy watching their darling try to escape?

Certainly. Dazai is fascinated by human behaviour and watching you react to various torture and situations is his form of entertainment. He may eventually get irritated if you are constantly trying to escape, but he somewhat admires your resilience.

Hell: What would be their darling's worst experience with them?

Honestly, the whole experience is a nightmare because there is no chance of a good ending. Dazai can't be reasoned with, there are no compromises and it is guaranteed to end in tragedy. No matter how strong or smart you are, you can't escape. The best ending is for Dazai to kill you, because at least then your suffering will be over.

Ideals: What kind of future do they have in mind for/with their darling?

Dazai never expected to live this long, so he's never bothered thinking about the future before, even when it comes to his darling. However, if it came down to it, he'd probably want something similar to the 'typical' married life: a house, loving partner and maybe some kids. He wants to feel more human and he figures acting like everyone else is a good start. Although, despite these fantasies, Dazai will never actually be able to live this life due to who he is.

Jealousy: Do they get jealous? Do they lash out or find a way to cope?

Oh, Dazai is the definition of jealous. He can't even handle the prospect of you thinking about someone else, let alone anything like actually talking to them. He has to be the centre of your world or he will literally go insane. He's not a hothead like Chuuya, so aside from a very tight grip on you and a dark glare, his jealousy won't be noticeable immediately. However, that's not to say he won't do anything about the situation — scheming on how he can ruin this persons life and if they really don't get the message, he supposes he'll just have to show them what happens to vermin who steal his darling's attention.

Kisses: How do they act around or with their darling?

He still retains some of his cheery and mischievous persona, but make no mistake, once he's got you trapped, he'll reveal a much darker side. He likes to act oblivious to your suffering just to wind you up— oh, you're crying about how you want to be let out? so... anyways, what should we have for dinner? — and takes pleasure in both your despair and your anger towards him.

Love letters: How would they go about courting or approaching their darling?

Depending on which version of Dazai we're talking about here (Mafia or ADA), his way of courting will be different. If you meet while he's in the Port Mafia, he will be more creepy than romantic. Relying more on intimidation than charm, he'll spend his time sadistically toying with you and jumping out of nowhere to wrap his arms around you in a suffocating hold. ADA!Dazai is pretty much the complete opposite— overwhelming you with endless gifts (mainly pricey chocolate and flowers), reciting cheesy love poetry, flirting constantly and of course always asking you whether you'd commit a double suicide with him.

Mask: Are their true colors drastically different from the way they act around everyone else?

Definitely. While Dazai appears as a cheerful, suicidal maniac with a penchant for troublemaking, he is actually quite different. Around you he does retain some of his facade, but the cracks will show and it'll be undoubtedly unsettling. He deceives you with his sweeter, more carefree side, before he reveals the merciless, cynical person he truly is.

Naughty: How would they punish their darling?

Punishing his darling is Dazai's favourite thing... much to the disdain of his darling. He'll punish you for just about anything and half the time he won't even explain what you've done wrong, simply wanting an excuse to have his fun. His punishment can take many forms, usually sexual, and always teaches you a lesson. The punishments you receive depend on whether we're talking about mafia!Dazai or ADA!Dazai, the former typically based around humiliation and the latter around degradation and pain. (I have quite a few ideas but I didn't want to write too much on this here).

Oppression: How many rights would they take away from their darling?

Rights? Freedom? What are those? You don't know because you haven't experienced the feeling of independence and being able to make your own decisions since Dazai took an interest in you. He's an unbearably jealous person so he can't allow you to even look at other people, let alone talk to them. Despite how much you prove your loyalty to Dazai, he will still refuse to loosen his suffocating hold over you and your freedom.

Patience: How patient are they with their darling?

If Dazai thinks it's worth it, he can wait for just about anything, so he is usually relatively patient with his darling. I say 'usually', because while he doesn't mind waiting, he prefers his darling to respond to his questions and advances instantly and you risk getting punished if you don't. Unfortunately for you, you'll never know how patient he's feeling so it's always best to just be alert and reply immediately when he asks you something.

Quit: If their darling dies, leaves, or successfully escapes, would they ever be able to move on?

Definitely not. Dazai's life felt pointless until he met his beloved darling, so you leaving/dying would absolutely destroy him and increase his suicidal tendencies tenfold. Without his raison d'être what point is there in continuing to live?

Regret: Would they ever feel guilty about abducting their darling? Would they ever let their darling go?

Guilt? Why on earth would Dazai feel guilty? He needs his darling to be around him pretty much 24/7 and kidnapping is the safest option for everyone, why should he feel guilty? I mean, who knows what kind of havoc Dazai would wreak if he couldn't have you by his side...

Stigma: What brought about this side of them (childhood, curiosity, etc)?

Dazai's own ability describes exactly just how disconnected from other people he feels, so it's no surprise that he doesn't really understand love. It's the curiosity of what it's like to be human — to be like everyone else — that will compel him to pursue his darling to the point it develops into an obsession. You'll also have to be different enough to keep his attention, perhaps being eccentric in your own way or being extremely hard to read. He can't feel genuine love, at least not like others do, but he can feel intense obsession and that may be even more dangerous.

Tears: How do they feel about seeing their darling scream, cry, and/or isolate themselves?

Unsurprisingly, Dazai enjoys his darling's tears and despair, being the sadist he is. However, he only likes it when he's the cause of your pain or distress, if you were crying because of someone else it would infuriate him to no end.

Unique: Would they do anything different from the classic yandere?

He appears like the typical delusional and deranged yandere, but he's actually very calculating and certainly lucid. He's fully aware of everything he's doing and how wrong it is, but does he care? Not in the slightest.

Vice: What weakness can their darling exploit in order to escape?

Honestly, it's hard to think of ways you could escape Dazai as he is extremely smart and unlike some other yanderes, no matter how compliant you are he will never let down his guard in the slightest. The only possibility is to kill him: whether that's by poisoning his food, smothering him in his sleep or biting down so hard on his neck he bleeds out. Either way, resorting to murder is the most plausible way of escaping.

Wit's end: Would they ever hurt their darling?

Of course! What's the point of being with your beloved if you can't inflict a little pain onto them? Pain will be a daily occurrence for you as nothing is more melodic to Dazai than your cries of pain.

Xoanon: How much would they revere or worship their darling? To what length would they go to win their darling over?

While Dazai doesn't worship you per say, he does see you as ethereal— an angel that he feels compelled to ruin. Since doesn't see himself as human, you are very different to him in his mind. He wants someone else to feel as inhuman as he does, which is why he takes great pleasure in destroying your humanity. He isn't worried about winning you over either; he may appear like he is trying to do so, but he knows that if you don't return his advances he can just make you love him.

Yearn: How long do they pine after their darling before they snap?

As mentioned previously, Dazai can be very patient when he wants to be and has no problem playing the long game if he feels it is necessary. He won't kidnap you immediately: preferring to slowly worm his way into your life so that by the time you realise his true, much darker intentions, it's already too late to escape.

Zenith: Would they ever break their darling?

Well, he wants to mould his darling into the perfect submissive little kitten, so yes it is likely he would break them down until all he had to do was rebuild them in the image he wanted. Even if you genuinely love him back and want to be with him, Dazai will still tear down your mental stability to the point of complete reliance on him. He's never experienced any real love from another person before or been in an actual relationship, so it's safe to say his views on love are a little skewed. However, after he had completely broken you, Dazai would feel the closest he can to regret. He doesn't actually want you to be a lifeless doll, but unfortunately he only realises this after you're already too far gone.

[clanwarrior-tumbly]

For the “everyone who died is able to wake up” sdra2 au, could you do headcanons of the characters who died reuniting with their s/o who made it to the end? If all the dead characters is too much, you can choose who to do, but if you decide to do Shinji, since he has teenage children, maybe you could include them being there too?

I can do all of them! I think the Void members are the same age outside the simulation so I’ll just leave them at that.

Obvious major spoilers! This took forever to write whew

.........

Yuri

Realizing that you saw each other as high schoolers was quite strange. But now you remembered why Yuri became so attached to you the moment you met on the island.

Everyone who woke up was shook upon seeing how tall and muscular he actually was. But you were just happy to see your boyfriend alive and well.

You tell him everything that’s happened, and he’s understandably bitter about Hajime killing him (you had to distract him with a kiss so he didn’t actually punch him).

In time he decides to forgive the boxer...but only because you asked him to.

He feels guilty about letting Monocrow be used for the killing game. So to ensure his work didn’t hurt anyone else, he destroyed all the data and blueprints associated with the bird.

The simulation reminded you of how short he was back then--and you’d tease him about it often (much to his embarrassment).

Hajime

Wakes up disoriented and confused, until he realizes he’s alive and back in the real world. Though he’s got a bit of a headache.

Then he sees you and smiles. “Were you waiting long?”

“Almost too long, you dumbass.” You just hug him tightly, grateful that his brain wasn’t fried to mush like you feared.

He has genuine regrets about siding with Mikado and offers to let you punch him if you wanted to. But you only give him a kiss and reassure him that’s all in the past.

Despite everything, he manages to joke about being turned into a doll, claiming it could be good merchandise to sell in the future. Though for now you both just wanna go home and recuperate from what happened.

Yep, he’s still got his healthy habits so he’ll be sure to take care of himself (and you, of course, since your mental health is just as important as your physical health).

Kokoro

Has the most nonchalant reaction. 

She feels unusually cold, but quickly claims it’s just an “after-effect” of the death she experienced in the program.

If anyone else was her s/o, they would’ve been angry and confused at her neutral reaction. But you’ve known her long enough to know she’s like this all the time. 

So you just smile and welcome her back, telling her you survived--like her younger self anticipated.

With both versions of Mikado gone, she isn’t exactly sure where to go with her research from here. But you convinced her to take a long break from her work.

She thought you’d be angry or at least disappointed that she contributed to the simulation’s creation, but you aren’t.

You didn’t have the heart to hate her, even though before that you resented her for using her daughter for human experiments.

Emma

Surprisingly calm...at first. She just acts like she woke up from a nap, relieved “this bad dream” was finally over.

But then she sees her hands--realizing she’s whole again and not some disgusting mess of flesh trapped in limbo--as you hold them and smile softly at her. “Welcome back to the land of the living, darling.”

Everything hits her all at once, and before you knew it, she was hugging you tightly and sobbing into your chest as she apologized for everything she did. 

She was scared she’d never see you again, worrying if you’d survive to the end (imagine her relief when you did).

You spend a bit of time comforting her, rubbing her back and reassuring her she was finally free of Mikado’s influence.

You’re close to tears yourself--seeing her slaughtered by horror movie monsters was a grim execution you wouldn’t forget easily. 

And after coming home that’s one movie genre you both avoid for a while.

Setsuka

She wakes up feeling disappointed and some back/joint pain that she didn’t see through her mission till the end, but she’s happy to be back with you.

You practically throw yourself into her arms, relieved she was whole again and not just limbs scattered across a haunted house attraction.

If you decide to tell her about the circumstances regarding her death, she might be quite unnerved, at first, though she doesn’t resent Hibiki once you mention how she was basically a puppet during that time.

Her quick forgiveness would’ve been surprising, but you only expected that from her and just smile, giving her a kiss.

“You’re taking a few days off of work. I don’t care what Tsurugi says--you need it.”

“Alright, alright..fair enough...by the way, I’m still as cute as I was back then, right?” She chuckles.

Yep, that’s your sweetheart of a former billiards player alright.

Hibiki/Kanade

(I hc that Kanade’s serial killer backstory was all fabricated, and her obsession over Hibiki isn’t as extreme irl, but she still has some overprotectiveness).

When the twins wake up at the same time, they...honestly aren’t sure what to say to you--or each other for that matter.

Kanade was staring off into space, fully aware of the horrible things she said and did. Meanwhile Hibiki looked ready to yell at her as soon as she spoke. And you were just watching them nervously.

But then you’re surprised when the younger sister reaches over to hug you, starting to cry and apologize for everything. She could never see herself doing any of those things in real life...but she doesn’t expect any forgiveness right away.

To her shock, you forgave her--knowing that the Kanade in that simulation wasn’t your sweet and shy sweetheart. The real one you’ve known since forever was right here, feeling truly remorseful for things she never did.

It’s not long before Hibiki burst into tears too and oops now both of them are crying into your arms. 

But you didn’t care. What mattered was that the nightmare was finally over.

Shinji

Your teenage kids were brought to the location of the pods by the KF (as other living relatives of the kidnapped participants were), and they anxiously waited for you and Shinji to awaken.

The relief and joy you felt upon seeing their smiling, tearful faces was immensurable as they practically tackle-hugged you. But when they ask about their father, you decide they’re mature enough to know what happened--and so you explain that he made a sacrifice to protect everyone, including you.

They promise to wait for him, as they did for you...and man is that wait worth it when he awakens to see his beloved family.

It’s a very, very tearful reunion, but it was especially overwhelming for you, considering you still have the image of your husband’s burnt corpse fresh in your mind.

Shinji’s optimism never wavers, even after everything. He points out that the way you two have interacted in the simulation was similar to how you both met in real life during high school (minus the killings, of course).

You regrettably tell him what became of Yuki, but he just hopes the kid’s doing alright, wherever he may be.

Nikei

The moment he wakes up, he takes a few seconds to register three things: he’s alive, you’re alive, and his right hand is back. 

But before you can ask him how he’s feeling, a billion and one questions fly out of his mouth.

“Is it all over?? Is Mikado gone?!! What about Utsuro--??"

You do your best to calm him down and catch him up to speed, reassuring him Mikado is gone and won’t hurt him ever again.

Though now that he sees everyone alive and well--including Shinji and Void--he feels tense and awkward, wondering what the future holds now. But you take his right hand to divert his attention back to you.

He gets pretty choked up, realizing that he’s finally free and isn’t doomed forever and can actually go home with you. You just smile and hug him, repeating those reassurances.

Considering his breakdown in the trial where he got executed, you decide you’ll have a long chat about his insecurities when you two get home--with him being the interviewee.

Teruya

Rei and Tsurugi are with you when Teruya finally awakens. Though before he can even properly get out of the pod, you throw your arms around him and he doesn’t hesitate to embrace you back.

He’s already in tears himself, relieved when you tell him you survived.

“That’s good..I’m..I-I’m glad you made it out.”

“I would’ve liked to make it out with you, too, idiot.” You huff, remembering how he refused the antidote you tried giving him for the poison. 

He told you why he needed to die so you could escape with everyone. And it hurt him a lot to do that, but you forgive him..though only if he promises to never make a stupid sacrifice like that again.

You decide to leave out how you almost got executed by an incorrect vote. For a while you thought you could never avenge your boyfriend, but with Mikado finally gone..you were now satisfied.

He’ll need a few days off of work after what he’s been through. You already chewed out Tsurugi for calling Teruya a “diversion”, so he begrudgingly allows it.

[supercasey]

So I've been playing The Hades Game like fucking mad for the last few weeks, and although I'm not very far in it (at least, I don’t think I am; I’ve only beat Hades once!), I'm absolutely in love with it! Anyways, a certain idea has been kicking around in my head for awhile now, so I thought I'd share it with y'all; feel free to tell me what you think of it! (Warning: spoilers for when you beat Hades the first time!)

Anyways, I've already seen a really cool AU post for if Demeter raised Zagreus on the surface by herself (which you can find HERE; please check it out, the outfit for Zag alone is an amazing concept, and I love the artwork!!!) but I keep thinking about an AU where, after Zagreus dies at birth, Persephone runs away and takes his wrapped up body with her.

On the surface, she reconnects/reunites with her mother Demeter, and with her aid, the two of them manage to resurrect the newborn baby, though now he has more white in his hair than anything else. After that, Persephone sends Hades a letter to tell him that Zagreus is alive and well (because she actually has some fucking class), before proceeding to raise Zagreus on the surface with her mother, far away from the entrance to hell. The Olympians also help her out a bit, but mostly they just help by hiding Zagreus when it’s necessary.

(The rest is under a cut ‘cus this got a bit long, sorry!)

Years pass in relative peace, until Zagreus is about as old as he is in-game (I think he’s around 20-25ish???) and is living well, working with his mom and grandma to take care of their gardens and live peacefully away from mankind; he especially loves tending to the animals and guiding lost mortals to safety. However, one day while foraging for fruit in the deepest corners of his mother’s signature garden, Zagreus happens across a strange man in long robes, who introduces himself as Thanatos.

The two men get along swimmingly from minute one, and after agreeing to meet with each other again soon, they leave and tell their families/friends all about the experience, having no clue who they are to each other. After all, Thanatos was told growing up that his lord’s first wife died giving birth to their first and only child, who was a stillborn, and Zagreus thinks his father died of disease (his mom didn’t have to heart to tell him anything bad about his dad). Needless to say, they’re gonna be in for quite the shock soon.

Cue Hades losing his shit and calling on Thanatos, Megaera, and Achilles to go find his progeny and bring him home; he gives them special permission to leave the Underworld without any resistance, trusting Than to lead the way back to Zagreus. Achilles is less than thrilled to be performing such a morally grey task for his master, but Meg and Than are eager to prove themselves, so he begrudgingly agrees to help, even if it hurts his conscience to do so.

Persephone and Demeter also freak the hell out on their end, scared shitless by the fact that Death incarnate has just met their son/grandson, and they’re worried that he plans on coming back again soon. Demeter suggests sending Zagreus to live with the Olympians until this all blows over, but Persephone disagrees, wanting her son to stay nearby in case he grows ill (it’s implied that she’s a bit overprotective of him, mostly because she’s afraid of him dying again; this also means she refuses to let him know that he’s in any danger, believing it would only make things worse for him in the long-run). Frustrated but understanding her daughter’s pain all too well, Demeter at least convinces her to call on the Olympians for aid, which Persephone agrees to do.

The gods promise to help of course, but... well, they're low-key lying; they wanna see how this plays out first.

After several days of traveling through hell (literally), the “let’s kidnap Zagreus” gang makes it to the surface, and they immediately head to Persephone’s garden. All this time, Zagreus has no idea that he’s being targeted, so he goes about his chores as usual, only to run into Than again, and hey, he brought some more friends for him to meet! Zagreus is friendly with all of them, being raised to be very polite by his guardians, and while he’s busy chatting with Than and Achilles, he doesn’t notice Meg sneaking behind him. Just as Zagreus is rattling on about how the animals have been faring this summer, Meg stabs Zagreus in the back with a blade coated in Hades’s blood, cursing him to belong to the Underworld again.

With Zagreus now unconscious from a sedative that was mixed with the blood, the trio hurry off with him back to the Underworld, but not without Persephone seeing what they’ve done to her son. Horrified, she begins to sob, and winter arrives in the mortal world without so much as a fall season in-between this and the summertime.

When Zagreus comes to, he finds himself in a bedroom similar to the one he has in the game, but it’s much cleaner and has less objects of personal value to him. Hades is standing at the foot of his bed when he wakes up, and very calmly, Hades tells Zagreus that he’s his father, and that from now on, Zagreus will be living in the Underworld with him and his people, where he so obviously belongs. It’s a shame his mother can’t be here, of course, but they just need to wait awhile, that’s all; surely she’ll come to her senses and return home soon, now that her husband and son are here.

Zagreus jumps out of bed and faces his father as soon as he’s done monologuing, ready to tell him off for what he’s done, but to his shock, Hades hugs him as soon as he’s on his feet, and admits that he’s waited for this day for a long, long time. He asks his son to please just accept that this is his home now, and despite still being a bit surprised (and subtly hugging Hades back because Longing), Zagreus tells him straight up that he can’t, that he has to get home, especially with winter coming in a few months!

Dejected but not overly surprised, Hades simply nods in acceptance, but he still warns Zagreus that it’s no use trying to fight it; he’s stuck here, now and forever, so he may as well get comfortable and try getting along with him, because no one’s going anywhere anytime soon. Zagreus is horrified, but he nods nonetheless, unsure of what to say or do just yet.

Later that night, as Zagreus is struggling to sleep in this new, unfamiliar place, Achilles comes to him and apologizes about what’s happened, and although he can’t magically fix everything for him, he tells Zagreus that it actually is supposedly possible to escape; it’s just that no one’s ever done it before. Driven by his desire for freedom and the thought of reuniting with his mother, Zagreus tells Achilles that he’s going to find a way out, no matter the cost. Achilles congratulates him on his tenacity, but warns him that it won’t be easy. Still, he’s willing to help Zagreus as much as he can.

From then on, I imagine the game playing out very differently from the original, with a rather frazzled and scared Zagreus trying to get home to his mom and grandma, but with none of his training from Achilles in this AU, he has to rely on something his mother taught him; his connection with earth and all it’s inhabitants. Or, in his case, his connection with the spirits of animals (a cross of his dad and mom’s powers). That’s right, I’m making The Hades Game into a fucking Pokemon-ripoff, but still with some rouge-like elements mixed in (mostly with Zagreus not keeping his animals after runs).

Having royally fucked up in not stepping in sooner to protect Zagreus, the gods end up helping him out by sending down animals associated with them for the young god to tame for a run (I’ll come up with them later). They usually offer a selection to choose from, and from there Zagreus can build up a team and use it to try and escape the Underworld.

To replace weapons, I like to think he’d have “signature” animals that can help him out for any of his runs, specifically ones from Achilles, Poseidon, Zeus, Demeter (once he reaches the surface at least once), and eventually even Hades gives him one if they bond together enough ((yes, it’s Cerberus... kinda; it’s a puppy version of him, otherwise he’d be OP as fuck)). Zagreus’s signature animals can all be given names, and they keep certain skills that they pick up through enough experience battling in the Underworld for Zagreus.

As for story-line stuff, Zagreus ends up in a very fish out of water situation as he tries to get to know everyone in Hades’s house (he’s still our kindhearted Zag, after all, and he knows most of them aren’t to blame, not even really Than!) while also focusing on his goal to get home to his mom. Hades ends up being a lot nicer to him in this AU, perhaps overly so, as he’s trying to make his son like him more in order to make up for lost time (and fill the hole in his heart that Zag’s initial death as an infant and Persephone leaving with him created). It’s part of the reason he’s even letting Zagreus try to escape; he wants him to learn that it won’t work on his own terms (and maybe also scare the kid so bad that he comes running to him for comfort afterwards).

Also, I should really note that Zagreus is 100% a sweet country farm boy in this AU, and he has no idea what the fuck is going on with pretty much anything in the Underworld, much to everyone’s astonishment. For example:

Meg: Gods, it must be weird getting used to everything down here, huh? Sick of stepping in bat shit yet? Don’t worry, you’ll get used to it, and Dusa’s pretty good about cleaning it up to begin with. Zagreus: I mean, I guess? It’s not that different from chicken shit tbh. Meg: What the fuck is a chicken???

After that... yeah, I dunno. I’ll try playing Hades some more, see if I think up anything else that could be interesting, but for now, I hope at least someone ends up liking this dumb AU (if not, I’ll still like it... might even try my hand at drawing for it a bit tbh). Again, please check out the person who’s post/art I linked earlier in the post, ‘cus their art is really awesome and inspired me to include Demeter more in this AU!