#depressionpost

[goth-automaton]

Grief is weird. It's been almost six years and have I come to terms with Tobi's death? No.

[mosswolf]

ugh, this is definitely the worst winter i've had for seasonal depression in a long time now. i shouldnt be suprised really as we had a really shitty autumn, particularly with losing celena, but still...

ive also just been really struggling with motivating myself to work on uni stuff as it all just feels like i work really hard and yet make zero progress to being any closer to being done, even though i literally graduate at the start of june. finding it a lot harder with my new supervisor since my last one MOVED TO AUSTRALIA because this guy is fine but i dunno i never really feel like he gets what my struggles are. you know the people who see you being quiet in class and getting generally good marks and go ah! so you're one of the okay ones <3 and then never interrogate further,,, and i had 4 different deadlines in january on top of lectures, work, supporting family, doing household jobs.... i was fucking dyingggg

BUT it's feburary!!! we survived!!!! it's starting to noticeably get lighter! i submitted all my january work! i turn twenty two on the 17th and wills going to make me a cheesecake! the worst is OVER. the only way out is through, but that IS a way out!!!

[reitziluz]

"what's up with me. i know this will make everything worse. why am i like this?"

it's as if someone is having symptoms. a major episode first time in a while, even.

[that-wildwolf]

More and more often I find myself wondering what I'm gonna do after/if the mass effect tv show comes out. I mean I guess I could go back to the Fallout or Undertale fandoms???? Idk does anyone have recommendations for any media I could obsess about after the one I'm into now goes out?

[sillimancer]

I don't really know what else to do. I'm finishing up my Merit America job training program. I'm applying to jobs in my field with no luck. I'm applying to retail jobs with no luck. I'm reaching out to local mutual aid groups (too soon to tell if that'll be any help). I'm waiting for a $100 microgrant I earned through Merit to come in. I've talked to my therapist, I've talked to my job coach, I'm doing everything I'm supposed to be doing and none of it is bearing fruit.

I have enough to pay my bills in November but nothing else. I'm rationing shampoo. My bank account will be empty by December 1st. At this rate I'll be getting my car repossessed for Christmas. I have no other support. If my mom hadn't paid her house off years ago I'd be living in my car right now. My parents live on a fixed income; they have nothing left to give.

So if you have money to burn and this silly blog has brought you any delight at all, could you toss some spare change my way?

[cruzifin]

queen moo deng is such a diva. i wish i could refuse to take showers and have a temper tantrum whenever im forced to bathe, like her. this is a different flavour of envy.

[broilmage]

[disasterhimbo]

Having depression, ADHD, and ME/CFS is really fun bc I’m constantly questioning whether I’m just lazy or whether it’s executive dysfunction or fatigue or what, but regardless, I haven’t been able to get anything done lately (even the most basic cooking and cleaning)

[wanderestless]

the swerfs must be peeing themselves now that there's a bunch of 18+ SEX ADS on tumblr. they can't even scroll their echo chambers without facing the reality that women :( can choose to do what they want :( with their bodies :(

[flyingbananasaur]

update nobody cares about but i'm feeling a little better today.

[cat-with-a-keyboard]

i dont feel real

[goth-automaton]

You ever, like, get impostor syndrome about your own health? The "I don't display enough symptoms to be sick" feeling? "I'm probably just lazy and trying to excuse myself" thing?

[major-fukkup]

Some part of me wants to believe that if I were to rest for long enough, I would eventually gain the energy and motivation to do all the things I need to do in a day: take care of the outdoor animals, take the indoor dogs out, take out the trash, clean up the house, build the things my mom wants to build, and maybe even kick all this off with a nice round of self-care and hygiene exercises.

Like, that same part of me is trying to convince me it's not fair, it's not fair that I'm one of the only people in this household who has a job now, it's not fair that I have to work full-time AND do all this stuff when we have four to six people at any given time who, by their own choice and in their own words, "never leave the house".

But when I look deeper I KNOW I'm just trying to get out of the work, I KNOW no amount of rest is ever going to help me, and I KNOW I'm going to have to push myself to work despite the pain until I drop dead. That's just the way of things.

Things could be different if Mom would let me help pay bills. The only regular expense I have is my phone bill (and my old roommate's phone bill which I'm terminating ASAP). I'm making enough money that I can finally, for the first time in my life, live comfortably, but I don't have enough time in a day to ever relax.

I'm about to get health insurance but I'll never have time to go to any doctors. I have a car but I'll never have time to fix it and get it legal. I have a roof over my head and under it I keep video games and art supplies and stuffed animals, and I keep adding more to the collection in hopes that this one, or maybe that one, will finally make me happy, and it never does, because I never have time to use them.

Don't get me wrong, I know happiness isn't found in the stuff money can buy, but when all you want is to relax once in a while and do something for yourself, and you never get that chance, it's starting to look pretty good.

The problem is, I'm not finding happiness in doing things for anyone else, either. Nobody notices, and nobody cares, and a job well done isn't satisfying anymore.

[kindapunkyrocky]

so at the end of the day i'm fundamentally unlovable. but it's not a big deal lol. i'm over it haha *i start clutching the cup in my hand so hard my knuckles turn white*

[rasolomonwrites]

There is really no difference between me and a plant because I will be like 'should I kill myself or have a cup of coffee' and then I go sit outside in the sun for 10 minutes and I am REVIVED

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

anyone got any suggestions for how to explain mysteriously having another blade that does not involve it being taken away or me being put back on suicide watch