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jodilin65 · 4 years ago

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FRIDAY, JULY 31, 2020 Couldn’t find the meaning of my maiden name but I read that it’s an Ashkenazic variant of a similar name.

So was Norma wrong in telling me I’m not Ashkenazi? Well, 23andMe will tell me soon enough! Looks like our kits are now in San Francisco.

I had a strange dream about moving out of some guy’s place. I don’t know if we were romantically involved or how long I was staying at his place, but I know things ended on a sour note. I gathered my stuff as he stepped outside to talk to some guy, then realized I forgot a few more things, grabbed a trash bag to throw them in, momentarily contemplated stealing a soap dispenser, and then thought better of it. Then he came back in and started picking up change from a table in the living room. Then I started to pick up some of the change as well, going for the quarters first. As I did this, he stopped and went into the kitchen and I told him that the rest of the change was his.

The shitty dream was the one where I was missing Tom because he was dead and I was heartbroken and saddened by the reality of knowing I would never again be in the company of anyone who loved me unconditionally and accepted me as I was.

THURSDAY, JULY 30, 2020 Another shitty sleep with multiple wake-up calls although I’m not as tired as I was yesterday. Didn’t wake up to noise but three times to pee - yes, three times - and then just because. Even though I’m mostly anti-pills and afraid of side effects, I’ll keep the Calm Forte pills in mind Aly recommended. Checked them out on Amazon and they have great reviews. The problem is that I drink Sleepytime tea before bed since it would be pointless to drink it a few hours beforehand, and then I have to keep getting up to pee it off.

Going back to my Flintstones vitamins because I don’t think Centrum Silver is helping.

The biggest thing Tom and I think it is right now is appointment stress. I’m over-focused on trying to control my schedule and it’s messing with my sleep. I could pretty much guarantee you that if I suddenly had no appointments, I would start sleeping better. Maybe not great but better. I’ve got to try to convince myself not to worry about my schedule and let it work itself out on its own like it usually does. Also, it’s okay to be tired that one day. After all, it’s just a dental cleaning so all I have to do is kick back in the chair and open my mouth. But yeah, better to be tired one day than multiple days.

Other factors include the stress of sleeping so close to a busy street as well as an uneven mattress. I just don’t want to spend hundreds of dollars on a new mattress for less than a year since we intend to travel as lightly as possible.

Had a dream my TSH score was 54. I hope that’s not a sign that my thyroid is dying off some more! Hard to believe it would be 54 with treatment when it was 32 without.

Kim is causing trouble for Aly by accusing her of harassing June. She would have told me if she had done that just like I would have told her if I had, but I think it’s pretty safe to say that neither of us has the desire these days to create fake accounts to troll others. I do intend to share certain journal excerpts with the termites in the future but I would only do that from a bogus account if I unblock them and see that they’ve blocked me. Aly and I have matured, Kim has not. She never will either and the only one harassing June is likely Kim herself. She always lashes out at those that call her out on her shit.

As I told Aly, the emotionally/mentally ill are utterly frustrating and exhausting to deal with! Kim’s memory issues, contradictions, stupidity, and especially her lies, really do get old. I understand they go way back and so do Kim and me, and I’ll miss some things about her but not much. The lying alone is a huge deal-breaker for me. Even if I catch someone in a few white lies, that alone can dampen my trust in them, and it can take months or even years to repair my trust in them depending on how they treat me in the future. But whether she’s too fucked in the head to help it or not, she tells one big black lie after another and I’m like, whoa! I don’t need this toxic drama in my life any more than I need vengeful, narcissistic drama queens like the termites. Still not sure I’m ready to go so far as to block her on Twitter and PB, especially when she can just create new accounts. She gave Aly emails and passwords to three Facebook accounts she wanted deactivated that she had created in just a few days. Damn! I don’t understand the obsession with creating dozens and dozens of accounts on the same site. Aren’t one or two enough for anybody? What can 50 accounts do that one or two can’t?

As I said, I’m not going to put that much effort into hiding from her. I would rather ghost than actually do anything because blocking or saying anything could trigger a much worse reaction than ghosting. Blocking is a form of action because of something she’s done, and I don’t want to resort to that unless absolutely necessary. I shouldn’t have bothered to block her on FB, but it doesn’t matter because she’ll probably never use that account again and will only create others. I’m just hoping she’ll be punished for more than a few days, but I wouldn’t be surprised if sometime next month she contacted me.

Aly’s excited to start her new job as a preschool teacher.

Speaking of things that never end like the constant race debate, I don’t hate black people. Seriously. I hate black women. Well, not all of them. But when I think about it and if I’m really honest with others, and most importantly with myself, I’ve never had a problem with black men other than with boom stereos. I’ve even known some black guys who wouldn’t even date black women because so many of them are bitches. Now, I’ve known some really sweet black women. Don’t get me wrong. But yeah, any blacks who have given me shit were women. Girls in Valleyhead, one of my foster mothers and her evil friend, the Phoenix neighbors. A lot of them seem to be naturally vindictive, hateful, narcissistic, egotistical and arrogant in my honest opinion. I would rather sit in a room full of 50 black men than just a few black women.

“People You May Know doesn’t use things like your current location, info from third-party apps or search history to make friend suggestions. People on Facebook won’t know you’ve searched for them or visited their profile.”

Wow, really? That only adds to the mystery of Facebook, though. Dixie swears she’s never created a Facebook account, yet Dixie T was recommended to me. No, I never looked for her but how did Facebook know I knew a Dixie T? I never would have mentioned her full name on Facebook for any reason, and we certainly don’t have a mutual workplace, nor are we tagged in the same photo or members of the same groups, which they say is what their suggestions are based on.

When Doc H, Holly and Shannan were suggested to me, I first thought it was because I messaged them. And then I thought no, it was because they actually read my messages since they weren’t suggested right away. The doctor is still being recommended, but for some reason, Holly and Shannan aren’t.

Here’s where it gets really weird. One of Doc A’s nurses was recommended to me. Now what common ground do we supposedly have? Maybe because she works for Mercy Medical Group and I once shared a review of my old endo there who also works for that group?

And what about a complete stranger in Scranton, Pennsylvania being recommended to me? Unless she’s a member of the few groups I follow, I’m not sure why she would be recommended. We don’t have any mutual friends.

As I’ve recently mentioned, I’ve often wondered if the dream I had in the 90s with my grandmother telling me to pick new goals and dreams was really her from the other side. The more I think about it, though, if the dead could communicate through our dreams, why not more messages like, “I love you and I miss you?” Or how about, “Don’t take those vitamins, take these instead because they’ll be better for you?” Why not that instead of just, “Pick new goals and dreams?”

Tom needed a few things from Amazon so I’m getting more nail strips. It’s just a $6 pack with a set of gold metallic nails and a set of silver ones.

My weight is now starting to go down but that’s probably because I’ve been totally in ketosis these last couple of days. Maybe it would gradually keep going down if I stuck to it but just like it’s hard to stick to a low-calorie diet due to being hungry, it’s hard to stick to this because of the lack of variety.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 29, 2020 Our DNA should be headed down to Los Angeles now. Can’t wait for the results! I answered more questions than 30% of other site members while Tom answered more than 59%. Well, it’s probably a lot easier for him when he doesn’t have as many diseases as I do.

Anyway, I’m expecting Russia and Austria the show up and maybe other countries in Eastern Europe, but I can’t imagine what else I may have in me.

The panels for the corner fence are arriving today instead of yesterday. Both panels are in Navajo White and will be 8 feet by 4 feet.

The Ocean nails arrived and they’re beautiful. I love how they make a panoramic scene when they’re side by side. This is definitely a photograph and not some fancy artwork. The longer the nail, the better, so I think I’m going to put them on this weekend. Next weekend will be when I put the gradients on and cut the nails and the edges off the strips.

Dixie is still insisting she’s had people prowling around her property at 3 in the morning that she believes are homeless and who have been camped out on the golf course or in the cemetery. She says she talked to a cop about it and that they said something about stepping up the patrol.

I’m still not concerned because we don’t have anything of value that’s unlocked and I’m not out at night anymore, not that I would be afraid of anyone as long as they didn’t pull a gun on me or there wasn’t more than one of them.

I messaged Mrs. Twenties out of curiosity, though. She’s part of the neighborhood watch, so I wanted to see if she knew anything about it. I messaged her right after she went to bed, so I don’t expect to hear anything until the morning.

I’m exhausted, as I seem to spend a third of my life being, so I’m hoping to fall asleep earlier and get up at the same time. I didn’t want to let myself sleep any later for fear of messing up my schedule for my appointment, and of course my bladder wouldn’t let me. If I wake up toward the end of my sleep having to pee, it’s not always easy to fall back asleep even if I’m still tired. Either way, this fatigue really seems a bit extreme and debilitating. I don’t remember lack of sleep or not sleeping well being this hard on me. I’m even more baffled by the fact that I usually can’t take a nap despite being exhausted. There have been times when I’ve been less exhausted, yet I’ve napped. I just don’t understand.

More days without pet care would be helpful, especially when it’s such high-maintenance ones that are so much work. I can’t just take them out to do their business or dump a litter box. I have to change cages and sometimes wash than as well. I have to wash supplies, bathe the pigs, trim their nails, and it just goes on and on and on. I don’t regret the rat, but the pigs I sometimes do. They cost a fucking fortune as well as require so much care. If I had energy more often, I wouldn’t mind nearly as much.

Is this going to go on for the rest of my life? Am I going to be utterly exhausted every two to three days for the rest of my life?

It’s no wonder I was so hungry yesterday since I didn’t even have 1000 calories. I ate a lot, but they were low-calorie things. I’m not gaining or losing weight, so I’m not worried about that too much. Especially since I’m not nearly as hungry today.

I blocked Kim on Facebook and Messenger. The account that she disabled. That way she can wonder where the hell I am when she reactivates it, assuming Aly doesn’t tell her and at this point, I don’t think she would share anything I didn’t want to be shared with her. She’ll probably just create a new account, but I totally agree with and understand Aly’s reluctance to get involved with June or the sister since the sister seems almost as unteachable as Kim. It doesn’t get that she’s been way too easy on Kim and that people like that need to be prevented from being online. Forever. Not just some of the time but all of it. She could take a week off, she could take a year off, and she’s never going to change. Any time she can get online, she’s going to create her so-called “role-playing” accounts and pretend to be other people.

I thought about blocking her on Twitter and PB because I’ve absolutely had it with the emotionally and mentally fucked in the head and I don’t care how cold and calloused that may sound. Just like some people feel they deserve better than those that do drugs, lie, or have other character traits they don’t care for, I have just as much right to be picky and choosy as to who I associate with and I think I deserve better than the Kim’s of this world. :-) But because of how far back we go and fears of karma, I decided to leave that alone for now, even though the smart thing to do would be to walk away. She’s a habitual liar. Like most people, I have no tolerance for that shit. Guess for now I’m just going to enjoy the break from her.

A white pickup came in next door in the middle of the night last night. Heard the blower in the afternoon and went to look out the window to see who it was, hoping Bob was back to his usual self and tending to his yard, but knowing that was unlikely. I only caught a glimpse of the person’s backside as they were rounding the corner, and it didn’t seem to be Bob based on how they moved. I think it was Rich Boy. It’s dark over there tonight and I can’t see if anything is in the carport.

The different vehicle is still at Dahl’s place and there hasn’t been any sawing that we know of. Maybe he is away somewhere, and he has a pet bird someone’s taking care of while he’s gone.

We got a letter from the park saying we’re getting a $30 discount each month for a year, but they didn’t say why. Maybe it has to do with the virus or maybe it has to do with all the complaints they’ve no doubt racked up due to the water outages or whatever. I just hope to hell they can stay out of the streets while we’re still here, and if there’s just one more complaint!

We should be gone in a year from now, but the discount applies if you sell your place as well. I’m not exactly sure how, but I guess you don’t have to pay certain fees or something like that.

TUESDAY, JULY 28, 2020 I read that you have 1-3 years to file a claim against someone for libel, depending on what state you live in, but what I wonder is this… If Person A libels Person B (Person B lives in a state that allows up to 1 year) in a post that’s private and then makes it public 6 months later and then 8 months later it’s seen by Person B, does the time count from when it was actually published even if it was done privately at first? Or from the time it was made public for anyone to see?

I also wonder about backdating. If you post something in June that you backdate to last January, do they check that and does it matter?

No, this doesn’t pertain to anything going on with me at the moment. I’m just curious as is my nature to be.

Aly said Kim’s sister found her Kindle and took that away along with her phones. Her only way online is through her Smart TV, but she can only use Twitter’s app. She’s surprised she knows how to use the app through that and figures someone must have shown her. Of course she’s asking Aly to contact June which isn’t going to happen. I don’t see any tweets from Kim since the 25th but that’s okay. We’re both enjoying the break from her. Sometimes silence really is golden!

In the last couple of days, I’ve been really hungry for some reason, although I’m not gaining weight despite all I’ve eaten. This means something’s going on to cause my body to burn more calories but I’m not sure what. Tom, who never gets hungry and eats just because he likes to eat, says all the working out he’s been doing on the Bowflex has been making him hungry. Yep, that will do it! Same with stress or a lot of thinking. I do focus a lot on my writing so who knows? It’s most likely due to hormones as I go further into menopause. But come on, already! Enough is enough! I shouldn’t be this hungry this often.

Made the mistake the other day of saying the power was off until 3:45. It was actually off until 4. It was off for a total of 1 hour and 45 minutes.

Twitter Annie is definitely not Blogger Annie. Twitter Annie is in Sweden and Blogger Annie is in Canada.

The new house was brought in today and Tom didn’t even know it until he stepped outside and saw it. They must have slipped in from the back because nothing woke me up. I’m relieved that the damn thing is finally here even though I’m sure someone else will wake me up around here sooner or later.

Walmart is both shitty and not. Lately, their red meats have been tough as hell, but I don’t get that very often anyway. They gave me tons of zucchini even though I only ordered one which is nice. Better to put up with them because no store is perfect, and you save a ton of money this way.

Over the next two weeks, fencing supplies will be delivered to us for the back corner when we replace the old rotted fence there. It’s not a very big area at all. Eventually, we’re going to put gravel down along the carport.

The DNA kits came today which were simple enough to use. There was a little funnel attached to a small tube. You spit up to the fill line after you’ve made sure not to eat or drink for a half-hour. Then you close the cap on the funnel until you hear it click. It then releases a chemical into the stick that helps protect the DNA in various temperatures. Since we couldn’t fit it in the outgoing mail slot of the mailbox here, we drove to a mailbox in a residential area. It was still warm out, but it should be okay. It’s down to 71 degrees but it’s going to get up to 100 tomorrow. I don’t know what time that box is picked up. I’ve lived in places where the mail came as early as 9:30 in the morning and other places where it didn’t come until the late afternoon.

After you release the chemical, you twist off the funnel, cap the tube, and send it back in the box it came in. We created accounts and registered the kits. I did their survey which had a ton of medical questions. My main reason for doing it is for medical analysis. It would still be cool to find out where I’m from and the percentages of what countries I’ve got in me, but I don’t care about specific relatives, famous, infamous or not. In fact, we both opted out of allowing relatives to look us up. He doesn’t want his family contacting him and I don’t want mine contacting me.

We did give them permission to store our DNA and to use it for research.

MONDAY, JULY 27, 2020 Looks like Rich Boy is in the carport next door. Nancy was there, too.

And the folks are “fine?”

Anyway, I’ve dubbed him “Rich Boy” because he has an expensive Range Rover.

Looks like I’ve got a new… I don’t know whether to say fan or hater. They say they’re reading me but then they claim I’m a horrible person and they have the right to say so because of freedom of speech, not that I would be offended.

Well, as I told them, yes, they have a right to tell someone they think they’re a horrible person even if not all of what they insist they are is quite true, but they are entitled to their opinion, and no, I’m not offended. I don’t even know this person.

This is what I love about allowing anonymous comments; people tell you what’s really on their minds when they can hide under a cloak of anonymity, though they did sign off with a first name, real or not, of Annie. But would they be so open like this on PB where I could block them if I wanted to?

An “Annie” was suggested to me on Twitter and I’m guessing it’s the same Annie since the one on Twitter seems to be European and the comment times are matching up to someone in the Netherlands.

Not sure why anyone would read me that thought so poorly of me but I’ll be the first to admit that no, I’m not a perfect person, and yes, sometimes I lack tolerance for some things just like we all do whether we’re willing to admit it or not. And yes, sometimes I just don’t give a shit about some things and some people. I’m no better or worse than your average human being. I have strengths and weaknesses. I have likes and dislikes. I have good traits and bad traits. I handle some things well while other things I have no patience for at all.

We had a power outage from 2:15 a.m. to 3:45 a.m. last night. Not sure why but it definitely prompted me to get some new candles because the two we have were no good. The wicks were buried in melted wax and were pretty old anyway. So I got a twin-pack of Glade candles. One is lavender and the other is Peach Blossom. Even so, I never found candles to give off much fragrance, probably because the heat source is above the scented part and not below.

Forgot to write about the drone dream I had a couple of nights ago. I don’t know where we were living, but instead of a skylight in the ceiling, there was a whole strip of ceiling that was glass and you could see a large portion of the sky. The sky was very bright and starry. I heard this whirring sound and was trying to figure out what it was. Eventually, I found a small circle of lights that blended in with the stars and realized it was a drone. The more I examined the sky, I could eventually make out dozens of them, even though I could just barely make them out.

Also had a dream the shithead across the street was sawing again and I went to tell Tom about it, but he was at work, so I Skyped him.

Then I had a dream where I had an “impacted” ring fingernail. This wouldn’t be possible in real life as the nail lifting would have to be way higher than possible, but in the dream, the tip of a second nail growing underneath was poking out.

I said to Tom, “See, there’s always one thing after another with me.”

So Kim’s in trouble again. This is no surprise, of course. Aly said something about her deleting her Facebook account for role-playing which probably really means pretending to be someone else and I guess her sister took her phone away as well because of the June drama. Good. A little break from her can’t hurt. But how is she going to create a new Facebook account like she told Aly she would without her phone? Use her Kindle? She said something about a different texting app as well, but she hasn’t contacted me anywhere. I can see that her account as well as her picture group is gone. I was getting just as sick of the picture group because there were too many repeats.

Went down 1.5 pounds.

Just took the bike out. Anyway, not only is there a different vehicle at Dahl’s house (at least I think it’s different because it’s so dark it’s hard to tell for sure) but that’s just the thing. It’s not normal for that place to be pitch black like it is. He always has a bright light in back and in front as well. So yeah, hopefully the neighborhood psychic wasn’t very kind to him with her spells. We’ve been seeing this vehicle for the last few days, but we don’t know who it is. First it was in addition to the gold van and now it’s instead of. Maybe he just got a new car. As for the darkness…I don’t know. He’s probably been sawing when I’ve been asleep, but Tom hasn’t been able to hear it from his room and with the headphones on. I can’t believe he would go this long without sawing unless yes, something was definitely wrong. Could also be that Dahl’s out of town and they’re housesitting, though I don’t know why they’d need to housesit. He has no pets that I know of.

SUNDAY, JULY 26, 2020 I’m not saying I’ll never return to PB. I still use it to back up private stuff. I’ve met a lot of nice people there and I’ll miss all the comments I would get, but for now, I just want a place where I can get away from the few assholes running around there. Yes, it’s pretty dead in other places in comparison but as I said before, I feel I have more freedom there. Freedom to be me without being judged. Again, I thank those who have cared enough to follow and support me even though I don’t know what’s so exciting about the life of an aging, eccentric homemaker with some health issues, LOL.

I was kind of surprised, although I guess I shouldn’t be, to learn that others are also fed up with the censorship and the constant judgment when you have a different opinion. You don’t have to literally break rules to get crucified by some people over there. Just try writing that you’re anti-looting, violence, destroying businesses and history, and you’re an automatic hater who’s doing nothing but spreading hate. Oh, and it’s automatically assumed that this means you’re okay with cops killing people too. Rolls eyes

And I’m absolutely sick to death of hearing how “privileged” I supposedly am for being white. I have faced many of the same kinds of abuse, struggles and hardships that almost everybody endures in life.

For whatever it’s worth, I’ve never hated anyone for their color or nationality. But I sure have hated some people for their personality and behavior. No doubt about that!

Soon I’m going to make an omelet but I’m going to stuff it with mushrooms instead of cheese since cheese is said to be one of the bad fats that elevate cholesterol levels.

I decided that weekends will be when I change nail designs. They could probably look good enough for up to 10 days, but I think closer to a week is best and that’s about when I would change regular nail polish too.

Right now I have applied a gradient lavender to sky blue with some gold lines, stars and other accents on some of them, though I had to flip them around. It seems most people’s cuticles are square and that their nails narrow toward the tips but it’s the other way around for me. I have rounded cuticles that slightly fan out towards the tips. The only nails that have squarish cuticles are my thumbs. Since my nails grow fast and they’re getting kind of long again, I decided that next week I’ll put the gradient glitter on and cut the ends off. These are the ones that are thicker and harder to file off the edges. I’ll still have to trim them narrower though.

Looking for Kindle Unlimited books can be just as frustrating as TV shows with so many of them set in England. I know some English words but still. Their English isn’t exactly like US English, and the narrated ones really pissed me off with the foreign accents. There doesn’t seem to be an option that I can find to have Alexa read them to me instead, which I prefer. I like how I can not only understand her well but also make her read a little faster if I want.

The rodents, depending on their bedding and size, have their different changing schedules. Blitz, who has a fleece liner, is done every 3 days. Fuzzy and Rockefeller have paper bedding. Fuzzy is done every 10 days, Rockefeller once a week. Rockefeller made me laugh and pissed me off when I went to change him since yesterday was his day to be changed. He and Fuzzy have trays in their cage that we dump. I decided to shuck a piece of corn and throw the husk in his cage and dump it all together. I thought Rockefeller would have absolutely no interest in eating corn husk but the instant I put it in his cage he started gobbling it up as if he hadn’t eaten in years. So I also shared with the other two and then waited for him to eat a bit before I changed him.

Then, even though there usually isn’t a problem when I pick him up, he screamed at me. I don’t know if I picked him up wrong or what but not only did he scream at me, the bastard decided to pee all over me as well. Fortunately, I was about to do laundry anyway.

Anyway, I’m tired today. Yeah, what else is new? This is the 10th day I’ve been tired since June 20th when I started marking my tired days on my calendar to see just how sadly common it is with me. I actually fell asleep earlier and slept for a long time. It’s just that I kept waking up so many times along the way, twice to pee but not from noise. Quality of sleep definitely matters more than quantity. It was almost a wasted 10 hours, sleeping on and off from 6 to 4.

Dixie said to come down in the evenings anytime I want because I really “make her whole day better.” Aw, ain’t that nice of her? I was also glad to hear that Diane is settling back down again to her usual self. Dixie thinks she acted up due to withdrawing from Zoloft.

SATURDAY, JULY 25, 2020 Slept better than I expected. Yes, I was up a long time and after 19 hours I took a baby Benadryl. Slept for about 7 hours and even managed to sleep through the trash and green waste pickups which Tom said was a very loud and long-drawn-out ordeal. They’re still working on prepping for the house too, of course.

Visited Dixie for an hour tonight and last night as well. Went over at 7:30 and left at 8:30. It was beautiful out, but when Tom and I headed out for a walk shortly afterward, I realized it was a little too warm for walking and even a bit humid too. Felt great just sitting and chatting, though.

I just wish she wouldn’t bring up politics so much. It’s too depressing to over-focus on the shitty world we live in. But it’s her right to talk about what she wants and I’m not such a pussy that I had to get all offended over it either. And of course the half a dozen planes and helicopters made it hard to hear everything she said because she’s so soft-spoken. Otherwise, it was a pleasant visit. She watered the front of her place and a family of little sparrows really enjoyed it.

She told me more about Diane’s situation and how hard it is on her to deal with someone who is mentally ill and as I was saying to Tom and Aly, I get that they can’t help being born the way they are, but I can’t deal with them. Whether someone annoys or puts you out deliberately or because that’s just the way they are, well, you’re still annoyed or put out and it still sucks either way. Of course if I dare say on a site like PB that those with emotional problems or mental illness have always been a problem for me, I’d be called a hater. So what if I should have the right to be selective in who I associate with? rolls eyes But it’s true that there’s just no reasoning with them or getting through to them. Marie would be fine some of the time and then when her paranoid and accusatory side would come out, it was like I was dealing with a whole different person.

Anyway, I’ve never cared for Subway, but Dixie was kind enough to give us some of their unwanted free food from Subway. Tom likes some of their stuff. I didn’t care for the chicken sub, but he likes the breakfast sandwiches. I thought I would at least like the salad until I stupidly used their salad dressing thinking it was Russian when it was this horribly spicy stuff so I couldn’t eat it.

Gotta definitely get back on a low-carb diet because my weight is starting to climb again. Carbs and sugar are definitely my worst enemies. No more binging and having a variety for a while. I actually did some promising research that said that having eggs shouldn’t be a problem for those with high cholesterol because it doesn’t elevate the cholesterol in the blood, but saturated fats can. So I want to limit my red meats, processed foods, and things like milk and cheese.

It would definitely be a lot easier to go keto if I could have bacon and eggs for breakfast since the extra protein keeps me feeling fuller for longer. The only problem I may run into is a lack of fiber so I may have to get some chickpeas or beans or something like that once a week, but they say that’s okay to do. It’s okay to re-carb once a week. I just can’t get carried away with it multiple days in a row or have sweets.

So an omelet it is for breakfast if I don’t have bacon and eggs, and then in the middle of the day, I’ll have a meal bar and fruit. My second and final meal will be meat and veggies. I’ll have more chicken and fish as opposed to beef and pork.

On my way back from Dixie’s place yesterday, I briefly met Bob and Virginia’s son. I could see an obvious resemblance to Bob. He’s very tall, thin and wiry. I asked how his parents were doing and he says they’re fine. He got a phone call right as I called out to him, so we didn’t get to chat.

That would be great if they were fine but if they were fine then why is he practically living there now and why does a nurse come out every day?

He had a 10-minute video job interview and is hoping he doesn’t get the job because even though it would be a lot of money and great benefits being a government job, it could really delay the move. Because he doesn’t want it and because I want to move, maybe he’ll get it then. He can’t say no if they want him because then they’ll pull his unemployment.

When he retires I’ll be able to get SSI. It might be just pennies but anything we can get will help make our golden years more golden.

We ordered the 23andMe kits so I’m definitely looking forward to that! I’m more interested in where I’m from and the health analysis than what the names of my ancestors were or what went on in their lives.

Tom said there’s this company where if you send them a picture of your face, they’ll print you a mask with the bottom part of your face, LOL.

The second to last set of nails came the other day and they’re very nice. Not great but nice and they’ll definitely fit. They actually look a little nicer in person than online, but there are some neutral tones that Aly would probably like better than I do (if she likes nail strips to begin with). There are a couple of peachy pink colors that are so light they may not stand out well against my pale skin.

Day 5 of the rainbow nail strips and they’re still looking good except that my right thumb and index finger are starting to peel back at the tips. The ocean nail strips are coming tomorrow so I’ll change them then.

Went for a bike ride a couple of nights ago and did some walking earlier so I think I’ll hit the Bowflex and skier later.

THURSDAY, JULY 23, 2020 Written just after midnight last night:

Just lying here knowing that sleep is going to elude me for several more hours despite being tired. I wonder how many hours of sleep I’ll get before that fucking truck wakes me up again that’s working on prepping for the new house. At least I think that’s what it was that woke me up the last time around. It was like a freight train blasting through the bedroom, even with the sound machines blaring.

A nurse was next door at 8:30 p.m. Pretty sure it was a nurse anyway. I saw her heading into their place with a bag of something. She was wearing a plastic shield. A nurse being there that late can’t be very good. They’ve also been having that navy SUV stay there overnight and I’ve seen Nancy’s car there every day.

Makes me think one of them is dying and I can’t help but remember, shortly after learning of Bob’s tumor, me saying to Tom, “I have a bad feeling about this. I just picture him gone by August and the house on the market by the end of the year.”

Well, it’s close enough to August but I don’t know which one is on their way out if that’s really the case. Maybe Virginia’s heart is failing, I don’t know. I’m not about to go over there and pry for information. It’s a sad situation either way. Both of them can’t have much longer to go. The selfish side of me worries about what we may end up with over there before we can get out of here.

I was telling Tom that if we’re going to hire a realtor to find us a place in Florida, let’s really get the money’s worth out of them and not have them look for just some of what we want. I’d like them to tell us if they see a motorcycle too close to the house. I realize that if a potential neighbor has got one hiding in their garage or they’re out at the time they’re checking the place out or they have loud visitors that aren’t around at the time, they may not know much of anything with just a glance. But if they do happen to see anything, we could steer clear of the place. My sleep is cursed enough without the wake-up calls.

Tom has a video interview on Friday but doesn’t expect to get the job and not just because he’s older and white. It’s a government job that probably pays a shitload of money so there would be tons of applicants.

I can’t see it ever happening but sometimes I really wish Aly lived nearby. That would be totally awesome! A friend who gets me, doesn’t judge me, and wouldn’t bug me in any way. On top of that, she’s super smart and not mentally ill. She may have her emotional moments but so does everybody. Oh, I’m gonna pretty damn emotional, alright, the day we fly away forever!

I’m excited because we’ve decided to get one of those DNA testing kits from 23andMe, though we haven’t ordered them yet. It’s something we’ve been wanting to do for quite some time. One of the Lifetime movies I recently watched, Mommy’s Little Princess, made me determined to check into it. In the past, I never gave a shit about ancestry and things like that but the technology behind it is quite fascinating. It just seems interesting in general and the kit we’re interested in, which is $200, also provides a health analysis. It would be interesting to see what diseases they say I’m most at risk for, but I think I can guess that it’s going to tell me I’m most likely to have a heart attack or a stroke.

Ancestry itself where you learn the names of past generations (famous or not) wouldn’t interest us as much as learning what percentage of each region we’re from.

Tom learned his last name means “pusher,” LOL. Not as in drug pusher but like those that push carts and things like that. Also, most people with his last name lived in Pennsylvania, which was a bit surprising to learn.

Another thing I’d like to have one of these days is an Apple watch, but it can wait. We still don’t want to spend too much on unnecessary things.

I looked up sleep spells and whatever tips I could find. Most sleep spells are just a chant, some requiring a white candle along with it.

On Healthline, there’s a sleep exercise called the Military Method designed for those in combat who need to sleep sitting up. They say it worked after 6 weeks even with coffee and gunshots in the background. Going to give this a try in another hour or two. In fact, I’m too tired to edit this right now. Going to start winding down with my audiobook and will post this at some point in the afternoon.

Written this afternoon:

Fell asleep around 1 a.m. and didn’t get up till 12:30. I was so exhausted so I’m not surprised I slept so long. I still woke up a million times along the way, twice to pee, and once because I smelled the strong scent of the body wash Tom has been using. It’s amazing noise didn’t wake me up because Tom said there was plenty of loud traffic. They’re pouring cement in preparation for the new house, and there were some tree-cutting trucks that seemed to be lost and going back and forth.

Dixie said she would call me because Diane fell this morning and had some bleeding. So I don’t know if I’ll be seeing her this evening but watch, because I got caught up on sleep and I’m not as tired as yesterday, I’ll be up until between 6:30 and 8:30 in the morning. And I was up for 21 hours the day before, not 20. Seriously, though, I’ll be up forever, sleep shitty and probably get woken up by the garbage trucks, then I’ll get to spend my day totally exhausted.

Aly wrote a super short revenge story on Kim where she dumps her but says dumping her would be a “hassle” so she’s just gonna scale back to 2-3 check-ins a month. Me too. I’ve definitely had an overdose of Kim’s June rants. If I ever did dump her, though, I would simply ghost her. I probably wouldn’t even unfollow her on Twitter, and I’ll never let her be connected to me on Facebook, so all I would have to do was just go quiet.

Another report from Dixie saying Diane had a complete meltdown, is with Linda and Walt for now, and waiting to hear back from Diane’s doctor. I told her to take her time getting back to me.

Wonder what disasters will have to happen before Dixie finally smartens up and gets them both into assisted living like so many have suggested she should.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 22, 2020 Thanks, God, for cursing me with a sleep disorder and adding insult to injury by making me the lightest sleeper on earth too. Thank you for allowing insanely loud service trucks to disrupt an already disrupted sleep. I needed that. Be sure to keep the chronic insomnia going! After all, I’m such a horrible, horrible person that I must deserve to spend half my life or more exhausted, right? Right? So keep it up.

Meanwhile, don’t you dare mess with the sleep of those whose worst problem in life is being reeled in by the leash for obsessively sending a million postal and digital messages. After all, nothing is ever Kim’s fault and she should have the right to harass poor old ladies whenever the hell she wants. Shame on you for letting her sister make her do chores! And damn you to hell for forcing her to go on walks too. She doesn’t need that drama in her life. What the hell were you thinking, “God?”

In the meantime, please continue to show your love and support by allowing my sleep to be disrupted regularly, if not by traffic then just for shits and giggles. Bless me with motorcycles and a variety of loud projects when we get to the tester house in Florida so it’s hard for me to test just how often the thunderstorms wake me up when I’m already being woken up plenty enough as it is. Oh, and don’t forget the health issues! Lavish me with plenty of those too. I want ‘em all. New ones, repeats of old ones; just gimme a damn good variety. Pain, discomfort, exhaustion… Be generous because come on, we both know I deserve those things, don’t we? Why don’t you also bring back the anxiety while you’re at it? It’s perfect for a worthless piece of shit like me.

sighs with frustration There are three kinds of insomnia from what I read. Excitement insomnia, grief insomnia, and chronic insomnia. Unfortunately, I have the last one where I have a mix of trouble falling asleep, trouble staying asleep, waking up too soon, and not waking up refreshed. I don’t know that this shit will ever go away. It did say that we sleep less restfully as we age, as I’ve always heard, and are more likely to wake up from noise. Well, I know the days of sleeping soundly without waking up even for a second are long gone. Haven’t done that since somewhere in my late twenties or early thirties. I’m amazed that Tom still sleeps well, though he does wake up for a few seconds here and there at times.

I’ve been alternating between sleeping shitty and being tired the next day, and then sleeping better, having more energy the next day, but then being up 18-20 hours. I was up for 20 hours last night and got up after 6 hours of shitty sleep.

My new multivitamin made me nauseous yesterday, so I took today’s with a full meal and had no problem.

I appreciate Aly thanking me for my friendship. Her nail strips will finally be going out tomorrow. But poor Dixie. I’m so exhausted that I don’t know when I’m going to be able to get down to visit with her. I called about this evening since all I’d do is just sit there and chat, but she’s got company. So we’re on for tomorrow, I guess.

Aly and I agreed to ghost Kim until she’s tucked in bed for a perfect night’s sleep on Thursday. Instead of swapping the same old shit with her on a daily basis, I may only check in every 2-3 days. I asked Tom if he would ghost someone who was annoyingly repetitious with long, repetitive and rambling messages and if he didn’t like the mentally ill and he said he wouldn’t. So I decided I’ll do intermittent ghosting with Kim and never say a word about June or in response to June, not that it would register with the dumb shit as to why. I got two more rambling messages waiting for me when I got up with the same shit she’s been saying… it’s all everyone else’s fault but hers, she’s innocent of what she’s accused of, and yes, she thinks it’s time to forget June. eye roll

Too tired to write everything I wanted to write about tonight, so I’ll leave it at this. Like most projects around here, I’m sure this shit will go on for weeks and that they’ll wake me up tomorrow too. So fucking sick of being woken up every time someone does a project around here!!! Next year can’t come fast enough. As long as we don’t end up next to anyone with a motorcycle or a circular saw, it should be an improvement. Or a regular visitor on a motorcycle. Otherwise, we could go from bad to worse. At least we won’t be in a park for long. Then it just comes down to how that climate affects my asthma and my sleep with all the thunderstorms.

TUESDAY, JULY 21, 2020 Yesterday afternoon we crept along behind California’s typical slow drivers over to Roseville to see Dr. A. Because my appointment was late in the afternoon, she was behind schedule.

When she finally came in, she felt around my neck but didn’t find any lumps which was good. She doesn’t think an ultrasound is necessary at this time. What surprised me was that she thinks it may be arthritis.

Arthritis causing a bulge to be noticeable in my neck? And what about that scratchy feeling I occasionally get when I swallow? I do trust her not to have found any lumps, but I never would have guessed arthritis. I guess it’s possible when you think about the fact that arthritis is inflammation and that swells up, which would account for feeling a little bulge in that area. But even when it’s the least noticeable, it’s still noticeable, so yeah, a surprising diagnosis. At least my gut feeling was right on again in that it wasn’t anything serious.

She felt compelled to do a breast exam since I told her I had a sore spot at the side of one boob that I thought was a swollen lymph node, and damn was that uncomfortable! She didn’t feel anything questionable, but I would think that this late in life I wouldn’t be so damn sensitive when they’re pressed on like that. I could cup them with my hands and press on them and it doesn’t hurt at all. It’s only if they’re pressed in concentrated little spots.

A couple of nights ago I had a quick spike in HR for the first time in a while. I started to get that weird feeling come over me that’s kind of hard to describe and then my heart pounded for a couple of minutes. By the time I checked my blood pressure my HR was down to 95. It started to get a little scary but not as scary as it used to be when I wasn’t sure what it was and before I had EMDR.

It’s amazing I didn’t get sick yesterday when I decided to go on a binge. I hadn’t eaten much all day because I didn’t want my weight to be up at the doctor’s office. It was actually down. So I made up for lost time with four slices of pizza, a candy bar, and some Fritos. I wouldn’t even dare touch any of the wine I got at Rite Aid on the way home from the doctor because I knew I would be needing Tums if I did.

Another surprise was that I woke up with my weight down a little more. I was famished by the time I binged yesterday after having just a piece of fruit and a small pork chop all day. I’ve been binging once or twice a week for centuries now and it hasn’t killed me yet. I just don’t think I could stick to low carbs indefinitely because I would miss having more variety and I don’t want to overdo the cholesterol. I’m having way too much of that as it is. But if I go keto or Atkins, I could really be putting my heart at risk and it’s not worth it. I know it would help my blood pressure even more and put me at less risk of new diseases if I lost just a teeny bit of weight but even if I did that, that weight loss would still have to be maintained through almost equally as hard work and I just can’t see myself slaving for what may not amount to much in the end, if anything at all.

They’re starting to prep for the new house and for the most part they’ve been surprisingly quiet about it. They’re quieter today than they were yesterday. Yesterday there was some jackhammering because they had to remove the cement retaining wall. The dimensions of the new house aren’t going to fit the old dimensions exactly, so they’re digging in the crawl space and busting out cement. They left the loud vehicles there overnight, so they didn’t go roaring by the bedroom this morning before I got up. But between the loud traffic yesterday and their work, it almost sounded like old times around here.

With over 15 million coronavirus cases worldwide and the fact that the summer hasn’t slowed it down goes to show it’s not the flu. However, Tom said he read that there are a few very promising vaccines and that the UK could be fully vaccinated by the end of the year. I just hope this shit doesn’t interfere with moving!

I did have an encouraging dream where I was out walking and as I was coming back to the house, I was delighted to find a for-sale sign at our place as it was sooner than expected.

I mentioned my fatigue to Doc A, and she said there are multiple things that can cause fatigue but that trying the Centrum Silver can’t hurt. Then we’ll see what my numbers say in October. I’m a bit worried about that. I just really hope I’m not calmer these days because my thyroid has died off some more. And of course there are the glucose and cholesterol numbers and God knows what else to worry about as well.

I’m frustrated that the stamps haven’t arrived yet and that they have to come all the way from Kansas when there are post offices everywhere, but then I realized it may be because of the design I chose… Year of the Rat.

Kim is getting to both Aly and me with her regular June obsession. Aly is at her wit’s end with her and almost ready to dump her because she’s tired of the long, rambling and repetitive messages about her, and her behavior denial. Kim told us both that her sister feels she’s harassing June and put a tracker on her phone so she can see who she texts and how often. She’s been ordered to text June only once a month. June complained to Carol about the excessive snail mail and digital messages.

Aly and I don’t doubt for an instant that Kim’s getting carried away with stalking and harassing June. I know from first-hand experience that Kim is notorious for harassing, stalking and getting overly fixated on whoever, just as Molly has. I just don’t get how she can be so stupid and blind to her ways. How can she not see how she is?

She’s at risk of losing her phone which Aly and I hope she does so we can get a break from her for a while not that it would teach her anything. She’s as unteachable as unteachable gets. Hell, a fucking dog is smarter than she is! But doesn’t she still have a Kindle hidden away in her closet somewhere?

So I joked, although seriously, with Aly about ghosting her together for a week and then contacting her asking why we haven’t heard from her, LOL.

Just got another message from her. I told her, “Come on, you and I have both been known to harass others online in the past,” and I totally admit I’m guilty of that. So she replies with, “Haha, I remember the drama with Molly and Kathy. We were just having fun. No harm was done.”

But she doesn’t remember stalking and harassing me for years, right? Hey, why should she when she just asked me how my chocolate coffee was right fucking after I told her I didn’t care for it? Fucking dumbass idiot!

I’m torn between ghosting her for good and not. A part of me would feel guilty even though I shouldn’t since she’s a habitual liar, and I know karma would get me for it. Every time I dump someone, something bad happens to me.

But I’m sick of the same old shit! I think taking a break for a week with Aly would be a good thing for now.

It just pisses the fuck out of Aly and me to see her have this great life and to basically be pampered with everything handed to her for nothing, while Aly and I have suffered from all kinds of shit. And oh, the constant agreeing! It’s annoying as fuck. As annoying as those who always happen to agree.

MONDAY, JULY 20, 2020 Killing time with Lifetime movies until it’s time to go to my doctor. I totally get how Aly pointed out that too many of them have these perfect happy endings. More variety would be nice…sad endings, cliffhangers… You also won’t find a Lifetime movie without someone drinking alcohol, and they all live in big beautiful houses even when they have minimum-wage jobs, LOL.

A masked nurse came out to get something from the trunk of a silver car in front of next door yesterday when I went down to check the mail. She looked and sounded like Doc A. I told her to tell Bob and Virginia that Jodi says hi.

The more we think about it, the more we think the oxygen was for Virginia and not Bob. A brain tumor shouldn’t restrict his breathing, yet she was complaining of breathing issues and she does have heart problems which would cause that.

Tom is soaking his feet now in Epsom salt because his feet have been swelling up again. We have one of those foot thingies you fill with water that gets warm and vibrates.

They’re prepping to bring in the new house now and hopefully, that won’t be too annoying. I hope even more that they don’t wake me up as I start sleeping in. The house is far enough away and on the other side of our place that they probably won’t wake me up working on it, but too many large vehicles going by the bedroom could.

Didn’t sleep so well yesterday so I’m having another tired day. Starting my vitamins today.

The rainbow nails came yesterday, and they look gorgeous. They fit perfectly and were very easy to apply.

SUNDAY, JULY 19, 2020 Decided to give Centrum Silver for women over 50 a chance and see if it helps with the fatigue I’ve been having. Sometimes even when I sleep well and start my day off with enough energy, I still get hit with random bouts of fatigue. It’s also supposed to help with brain function. The PQQ Tom takes helps with his short-term memory and forgetfulness and gives him more energy, so now it’s just a matter of finding what works for me. I definitely seem more tired without some kind of multivitamin.

I wasn’t going to get any more mopping pads since the robot mops for us but I find that they do a great job cleaning kitchen counters and sinks as opposed to the small Clorox wet wipes, so I think I’ll get another box of those as well.

I went to apply a set of gradient nail stickers yesterday but found this particular brand to be too big and too thick. Maybe I can just cut them down instead of filing the ends off the next time. I do cut my nails when they get annoyingly long so while I’ll still have to trim them so they’re narrower in order to fit my tiny nails, instead of trying to file them and getting rough edges, I can just cut them off.

Although we’re not sure why, our medical group sent us a check for $150. We used some of it to get him a new joystick and me a couple of other sets of nail stickers. One has rainbows, one has an underwater ocean scene, and the other is a mix of solids and designs. This way I’m learning which brands are best. I definitely like the first set of nail stickers better than the second. They may not be as colorful and shiny but they’re thinner and smaller.

SATURDAY, JULY 18, 2020 Day 5 of the nail stickers and they’re still looking great. However, I got an email saying that the designs I was expecting today are undeliverable because they encountered a problem along the way. So I picked out another set, and we’ll order it later along with Tom’s new joystick since I stole his for the car racing game.

Been having fun gaming on and off and trying to reach new levels and downloading new racetracks for variety. I wish I could really get into gaming. If I could get to be a really good gamer, maybe I could play for money. It’s just that you have to be really REALLY good at it. Not sure I could be that good at the usual games in which they play for money. For now, racing is not only fun at any time but it’s a good game to unwind with. Drank a little wine while I played yesterday evening before bed. Yes, I sometimes do drink and drive, LOL.

Slept better and feel more rested today. I’ll enjoy it while it lasts, of course, because I can’t even seem to go a week without ending up exhausted. So much so that as much as I don’t want to, I really should say no to future pets. I’m definitely done with rodents since guinea pigs are too much work and rats demand a lot of attention. I thought it would be cool to have a small dog that would be fun to take out for walks and not have any cages to clean, but I don’t know. I just don’t have enough energy enough days. I know Tom has more energy and would be willing to walk it on days that I couldn’t, but I still don’t know. Got a long time before we get to where we’re in a position to make that decision, though, so we’ll just see. Speaking of demanding, I’m being paged by Rockefeller right now for a veggie refill, so back in a sec.

Okay, last topic for the day. Kayla called from my doctor’s office yesterday wanting to convert my appointment to Zoom and as I told her, what would be the point of that when I’m supposed to be seen for my lymph nodes? Even the doctor said she wanted me to come into the clinic. So they double-checked with her and yes, I’ll be going into the office. I’m glad this was simple to clarify, but come on. You’re a doctor’s office for fuck’s sake. Shouldn’t you be more organized as far as who’s doing what? Seriously, it may be a minor misunderstanding, but it just seems that medical offices of any kind should be a little more up-to-date, informed and organized.

FRIDAY, JULY 17, 2020 I hope nothing’s wrong with Bob and Virginia. There were three vehicles over there yesterday. Today there are a couple, plus medical supplies were delivered earlier, so I’m guessing Bob is now on oxygen.

Tom said he saw a guy carrying a tote by the vacant lot yesterday. Maybe to a shed somewhere in back?

For the first time ever, I’m glad Tom’s older than me so I can end my life a decade sooner than it probably would have ended naturally. That’s because I’m bored out of my fucking mind so damn much of the time. There are only so many days I can keep doing the same damn things over and over again. I swear it’s like there’s become way too many hours in a day! So about 22 more years of boredom other than when we’re moving, of course. And maybe a couple of vacations as well. Other than that, it’s the same old, same old. There’s only so much writing I can do as well as editing and reading and watching movies. Hell, maybe I should just pick back up with Camp NaNoWriMo while there’s still time, I figured. So I added another chapter to Roomies even though I don’t expect to win.

The gradient nails came today and they’re awesome! Slightly bigger than the others so I may have to use the first ones I got as a template. Can’t say for sure until I put them on. If you look really closely, you can see slight gaps at the sides of the ones I have on now so maybe they’ll be okay, they’ll just rest snugly against the cuticles.

This is the fourth day I’ve had on the magenta glitter and I’m curious to see how long they’ll hold up so I may not change them today. When I get the other set tomorrow, I’ll decide. The only thing I might not like about the set I’m getting tomorrow is that their sheer, so the designs may not show up as well and look as pretty as a picture. The others look better in person. I’ve got a slight peel-back on the tips of my right hand but otherwise, they’re still holding up great! This is an awesome alternative to nail polish! Way better than fake nails. I used to hate how my hair would snag in the edges of those.

I slept shitty because I woke up a lot, worried I would sleep too late. My Monday appointment is fine, but I don’t want to sleep too late for my dental appointment next month. So I was really dragging and ended up taking a 90-minute nap. It refreshed me a little but I’m still tired.

Dixie sent an email saying she was watering yesterday evening and invited me down to chat, but I was unwinding by then. I let her know I should be able to come down at the end of next week.

To help with the boredom I sometimes experience, Tom downloaded this really cool racecar game called SuperTuxRacer and hooked up his joystick for me. I love all the different tracks and speeds you can go. There are tracks in different climates and terrain. In the rain, in the snow, in the desert, in the tropics, on dirt roads… I have to earn the scores in order to unlock other tracks.

THURSDAY, JULY 16, 2020 For any future historians that read this, this is the first time the critical coronavirus cases have hit 60k. Unfortunately, my state broke a record yesterday with new cases. There are now 92 deaths in Sacramento County. If people could quit protesting and rioting, that would really help slow the spread. Now isn’t the time to be whining about the things that piss you off or the injustices of the world by the hundreds and even the thousands in public, masks or not. Do your venting from home!

So Nick Cannon expresses his hate for Jews yet gets to keep his show. Typical double standards. If he were white and bashing a non-white, he’d be kicked off in a heartbeat.

I’m also finding the reparations that are in order in North Carolina to be a bit ridiculous. You can’t change or undo the past and I don’t see why the people of today need to be punished for the evil deeds of those from hundreds of years ago. They call it “history” for a reason and while it may have been a shitty one, obsessing and dwelling on the past can’t possibly be helpful. Grow up and move on!

Back to the virus. This second surge of cases really sucks, and I know it all isn’t due to protests and riots but people’s stupidity. I may not be the brightest person in the world but sometimes I am really embarrassed to be part of the human race as dumb as it often is. It goes to show how many people will put having fun and making money and other things before the health and safety of others.

My current schedule has allowed me to go out walking early in the morning. I just wish my right hip wasn’t so stiff. I don’t think it’s the joint but the sciatic nerve. That’s the least of my concerns, however. Right now I’m concerned about whatever is going on with my lymph nodes. I’m not worried but I’m definitely curious. It just doesn’t seem right. The way I can feel like something’s there when I move my head in a certain position and even when I swallow at times just doesn’t seem normal. I’m more worried about what it may cost to find out what it is and to deal with it than I am about it killing me or anything like that.

Sometimes I wish I would get something terminal not because I’m suffering at the moment, thankfully, but because I’m just so damn bored so often! Yesterday seemed to drag on and on forever. There were things I could have done but I just didn’t feel like doing them. I didn’t even feel like eating much, though I ate enough to be a little surprised to have lost two of the three pounds I gained back.

Sometimes I not only miss things like having good vision, my libido, and other things but also being more emotional like I once was. I do and I don’t miss it. It’s just that as I’ve learned, those emotions were kind of tied into both my libido and story writing if that makes any sense. I miss having crushes which I don’t even have anymore which also seems to be tied to the libido.

Saw a white car parked in front of the empty lot where the house was removed. What, did the woman who owns the place sleep down in the crawl space in a sleeping bag or something? I’ve been wondering where she’s been staying all this time and I’m surprised the new house hasn’t been brought in yet. This would be an ideal time to bring the damn thing in, though, since I’m not sleeping during the daytime now. I’m like, just get it over with so we can get on with whatever the next annoying project may be.

I’m wondering if that next one will be road work a couple of blocks away. I see new markings on the road, not at all surprising. I just hope to hell we get out of here before they’re tearing up the roads around our place yet again!

He signed up for Peacock TV and upgraded to commercial-free since we both hate commercials. I checked it out, but just like with Hulu and Netflix, there’s too much stuff I’ve already seen. Either that or it doesn’t interest me, it’s in another country, or it’s about subjects I’m sick of. He’s going to enjoy it for a while, though. I’m happy enough with my LMC.

Fucking Amazon, though. I ordered Prime Music to be canceled last month but the greedy bastards didn’t cancel it. I’ll have to keep a close eye on that.

I had a dream my mother was alive, and I met up with her somewhere. She gave me her typical disapproving look even though I was dressed appropriately at least according to her standards. We got in her car and began talking about cooking.

The other day I was going through old pictures of my parents and they really seemed quite active in their golden years and like they did a lot, but then they had a lot more money than we’ll ever have. It was weird seeing pictures of them and thinking about these two people’s lives and all the things they had and did that are now just gone as if they never existed. I didn’t feel the sadness, however, that most people might have felt. Too many years of abuse and neglect does that to you, I guess. They may be dead and gone but what they did wasn’t okay, it never will be okay, and they’ll never be forgiven either.

The nail stickers are still holding up well although the right hand is starting to peel back a bit at the tips since I’m right-handed.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 15, 2020 Linda Ronstadt is 74 today. She’s getting up there. I wonder how her Parkinson’s is doing and if her day-to-day life is a real struggle or not. I pin some interesting pics of her to my Celebrity board on Pinterest every now and then. Believe it or not, I’m finding some I’ve actually never seen before.

Got some weird-tasting chips the other day from Rite Aid. I like trying new things. The avocado chips were so-so, the olive oil chips were a little better, and the hummus chips were even better. Even so, none of them are worth getting again.

I’ve learned that the crack of dawn doesn’t mean I’m safe from skunks. I was just crossing Astro onto Daisy when one decided to jump out and say hello. I turned and took off in the opposite direction. So this morning’s walk is going to wait until there’s more light. I don’t want the direct sunlight glaring in my eyes, though. I swear the skunks get worse each year! I never saw one at the crack of dawn before.

I upped my review from 4 stars to 5 stars on the nail stickers. They are truly fantastic! I think the only reason they came off in the shower was that I showered too soon after applying them. You really have to wait for a couple of hours as it says to. I used the bath gloves today and had no problems at all. Applying a topcoat to one hand to compare to the hand that I didn’t apply it on doesn’t seem to really make a difference. Both hands are holding up well. Such a great alternative to having to deal with nail polish and polish remover damage! No drying time either which is also great.

They give you two different sizes for the thumbs. I used the smaller one, of course. Found that the bigger one fits my big toe perfectly. So maybe I’ll use them for my big toes and then I would just polish the other toes which are so tiny that they’re barely even noticeable, LOL.

For a while, I’ve been cutting my nails every week to get the damaged parts off, but now I’m looking forward to growing them out long which has always been easy for me to do. Makes typing a bit of a pain as well as using the phone, but since I mostly rely on voice typing, I’ll be fine.

I love these stickers so much that I’m ordering two more packets today. One contains various designs, mostly with shades of soft pink, and also a pack of gradient colors. Makes you look like you just stepped out of an expensive salon! I love how I can have glitter and not have to struggle to remove glitter nail polish which is a major bitch no matter what I use, including removers that promise to make removing glitter easy but don’t.

Fortunately, it’s looking like my nails were damaged after all from constant nail polish and there might not be any fungal infection of any kind because when I gently peeled back one of the thumbs (I couldn’t peel the one with a topcoat), I didn’t find that the discoloration had worsened. Fungus thrives in the dark, so since the nail stickers block light, the discoloration would have darkened if that’s what it was.

MONDAY, JULY 13, 2020 Another day of fatigue. :-( I just can’t get myself to stay asleep. Instead of waking up once or twice which wouldn’t be that bad, it seems like I woke up a dozen times last night.

Lymph nodes keep going back and forth between barely noticeable to being sore. Applying heat to my neck definitely seems to help, though. I soak a washcloth in hot water and put that on my neck.

Down another half a pound. Tom says he doesn’t notice my stomach being flatter because it’s mostly flat most of the time anyway. Oh really? I didn’t know that, LOL.

I still can’t begin to guess as far as what’s got my lymph nodes fired up but the fact that yes, it really could be lymphoma is a little unnerving. It’s unlikely, but I do have more of the symptoms than I realized when I think about it. Night sweats, a little bit of weight loss, and fatigue. I also read that you don’t have to have all or even any of the symptoms to have cancer and that it’s a slow-growing cancer that eventually accelerates quickly. That makes me think of how it started off barely noticeable for a few years and now it’s progressing. I also can’t help but think about my fears of something up there throwing curveballs in our plans to get out of here next spring. Trying not to, though!

I had a dream we were packing, and I was saying that I wanted to wash things when we got to the new place so I wouldn’t be putting away dirty stuff. Don’t know why I didn’t wash it before I packed it, but hopefully, this is a sign that we will indeed make it out of here. What I didn’t like was the dream where I was punching the code into the door of wherever we’d just moved to and it was 2024.

Got the nail stickers and they’re both good and bad. They’re actually great in that they’re much easier to apply than I thought they would be, and they look gorgeous. Just like real nail polish. Actually, even better. Real nail polish can lose a lot of its glossy shine once it dries but not this. Also, glitter is very hard to remove so I can have glittery nails again without the pain in the ass of trying to remove it. The negative is that they come off easily in the shower, so they’re really only good for a day or so.

My nails are definitely showing signs of improvement, so hopefully, it was just nail polish or nail polish remover damage and nothing more. Or maybe the Lamisil really is killing any fungus that may have been present. Now we’ll see if the stickers make it worse because fungus thrives in darkness if that’s what it was.

SUNDAY, JULY 12, 2020 Yesterday my lymph nodes were barely noticeable but by the time I was getting settled in bed, once again they became swollen and tender, especially in my neck.

So I read around some more, and yes, there are some things that can trigger it and one of those things is sugar. I treat myself on weekends and ironically enough, this happened shortly after having ice cream.

Also, here it goes again. Signs my metabolism is speeding up again. Bra’s looser, stomach’s flatter, jumped only half a pound after a big meal… I’ve also been exercising more when I’m not too tired like I am today. Yeah, this is the third fucking day I’ve been tired since the 7th, the fourth since the 29th. Been keeping track on my calendar. It’s like every few days I’m dragging, and I’m getting sick of it. Better than anxiety and when my lymph nodes hurt but still… Can I just have a fucking break for more than a week - a month if I’m lucky - without the fatigue and health issues?!

The last pill cut was 3.5 weeks ago and I’m guessing that the two cuts bumped my TSH up to about 16. So with that being half of the 32 that I started with, maybe that’s all it takes to get back into the single digits, and maybe that affects my weight.

Decided to quit Camp NaNo. I just don’t have the imagination and inspiration I used to when it comes to creative writing. Still love to read other people’s books, though, and I’m on my fortieth one this year. I was keeping shelves on Goodreads and shelving them by the years I read them, but I think I’ll do away with shelves and mark them as read after I’ve read them or decide I don’t like them. The point is to have a list of titles of everything I’ve either read or tried. It doesn’t have to be in any particular order.

The mystery music has been found! It wasn’t coming from outside at all which explains why it would seem to stop when I’d go outside. It was coming from the vibrator Tom has under his mattress pad.

Loving my Narciso Rodriguez perfume sample. I’ve heard people describe others as smelling of cheap perfume or expensive perfume and would wonder how they could tell this. Now I know. It smells awesome! But at around a hundred bucks a bottle, I’ll pass.

I was looking at the population statistics since the 50s and how the fertility rate has gone way down while the median age has gone way up, thus driving the population up. Thank God so many women don’t want kids these days! I hate to think of what the population would be like if they did!

Saw a movie based on the true story of a kidnap victim. I realized after remembering something incredibly stupid I did when I was around 13, just how truly lucky I was being that I was so stupid, naive, trusting and basically with the mentality and intellect of an 8-year-old if even that. Furthermore, I had yet to develop any strength and could have been overpowered easily.

Jenny, a childhood friend who dumped me in my early 20s for having too many problems for her to handle, got me into both cigarettes and pot. One summer when we were at our summer cottage at the beach, I was dumb enough to wander to the next beach over which wasn’t a private beach like ours. It was a public beach full of young people and I would randomly approach whoever and ask them if they had any pot on them. Even snorted a line of coke once, too.

Anyway, one guy said he did, but he wanted to sit in his car and smoke it. It was illegal after all. So I stupidly and bravely got in his car and we got high. He drove up the street where the main entrance to the beaches was and fewer people. Then he says he wants me to give him something in return and as dumb and naive as I was back then, I knew immediately what that something was. I demanded he drive me back and he did. Seeing these movies makes me realize just how damn dumb but lucky I was despite the stranger danger warnings in and out of school I’d received. I don’t even remember being scared either. Just totally offended and like how dare he ask that of me! Makes me wonder, though…did whoever this guy was continue to take no for an answer in the future? Or did some unfortunate naive kid like me end up dead in his basement or something?

Had a dream the Dahl blasted off with the saw and I said, “Okay, this is way too much. I’m going over there. Every few days is too much even for the time we have left here.”

Surprisingly, our house looked like this house (unusual in my dreams) except for the placement of the bedroom closet.

We’d just gotten up and were getting dressed. Tom said he’d get dressed and go with me. I agreed that would be better and then said something about hoping I didn’t look drunk because my eyes were red from lack of sleep.

“You’re gonna kill someone then,” he said, and I said, “No I won’t. I just want to find out what’s going on and for it to stop or at least lessen.”

Well, unless he heard something I didn’t, the rude asshole probably wasn’t noisy yesterday because I went into the bathroom and kitchen too many times not to have heard it if he did.

In real life, if one of us catches him at it while we’re outside, sure, we can ask what’s up. If not, I’d rather go with the late-night anonymous note.

As long as my health is stable, Tom is thinking of getting a job with Amazon in a few months and then seeing if he would be able to transfer to Florida. This would be inland somewhere and the more I think about it, the more Inland is a better idea than coastal. Not just because there’s no land on the coast but because it’s not like we would go to the beach every day anyway. If we went less often it would keep it more special that way. I lived an hour and 10 minutes away from the beach in Massachusetts and only went a few times during the summers as an adult. Then, during the four months I lived in Connecticut, I was 10 minutes away yet never went. We would also be able to enjoy storms but be safer from serious damage, be less likely to lose power, and even less likely to be evacuated. Maybe we can make beach trips a monthly thing or something like that.

While we’re still here I wish I could always be on nights except for when I had an appointment and it could always be summer. It’s the only time it’s peaceful.

I hope the noise levels in the tester house aren’t that bad because I don’t want to feel rushed when looking for a permanent place regardless of what state we settle on.

SATURDAY, JULY 11, 2020 I swear I heard music thumping for 40 minutes again tonight, yet also again, whenever I went outside to try to get a sense of exactly where it was coming from, I didn’t hear a thing. WTF?

The most likely plan we’re going to go with, assuming life lets us, is that he’ll get a holiday job in the fall. Hopefully, that won’t be too hard to get due to his age and in a place that tends to give first dibs to minorities, illegals and foreigners whether they’re qualified or not to avoid being called racists. Maybe someday people won’t be so obsessed with what others think of them or call them.

It’s just that there are my sleep issues to think of and the fact that he hates driving. He’s always found it to be very stressful. So why put additional stress on us even if it would only be for a week or so? If the 1100-mile drive from Arizona to Oregon could be as disastrous as it was with us nearly getting run off the road, then breaking down, and then getting stuck, I’d hate to think of what a nearly 3000-mile drive may bring us!

The plan is to hop on a plane and fly to a readily available house after hiring a realtor to find what we’re looking for, even though I highly doubt it will be that simple for us. Whatever is?

Will be seeing my doctor on the 20th since my neck is a little uncomfortable, especially when I’m lying down. I’d rather just get it over with and find out what it is and what I can do about it if anything at all.

FRIDAY, JULY 10, 2020 So much for claiming these summer nights have been peaceful when I was listening to the thump, thump, thump of bass from about 9:30 to 10:30. Seems like it was in the park somewhere. Again, why have these places if we’re just going to act like we’re all in the mainstream where anything goes? There is just soooo much noise in this world no matter where you go. I used to think it was a curse on me, and back in the 90s it probably was. But now, given how widespread this is and how many others complain about the same thing, it’s like the whole world has gotten to be one big symphony of noise you just can’t escape from. I think we would literally have to be in the middle of a piece of land that was at least 40 acres in order to get away from society’s regular racket. It’s just that there we would be more likely to get sonic booms. There really is no escape!

I hate to do it, but I think I am going to have to get to my doctor sooner rather than wait until my regular appointment. I agree that it’s almost certainly benign, but it definitely doesn’t seem normal either. It used to be barely noticeable and only some of the time. Now, it’s more than barely noticeable most of the time. It’s uncomfortable lying in some positions. If I get my head and neck arranged in a certain way that compresses the area, it can go from uncomfortable to painful. It sort of feels like pressing too hard on a bruise. So something’s going on, even if it isn’t serious. But as much as it doesn’t seem right, I have a feeling there won’t be anything I can do about it. I’ll probably just have to live with the discomfort for the rest of my life just like with my TMJ, but that much is actually much better. Goes to show that yes, high elevation along with colder temps is not good for it just as I read. So that’s another reason to hope Florida works out, even though I would rather have TMJ pain that I could throw ibuprofen over rather than lose my sleep and have possible breathing issues.

No change in vision or nails. At least not my fingernails. It’s too soon to say whether or not the Lamisil will help my toenails. My toenails don’t have any lifting or dark discoloration, though. That’s only in some of my fingernails.

I’m just a little worried about the virus and costs as far as going to the doctor goes. Also, in the very off-chance that they do find something wrong, could it get in the way of us moving next year?

I had a dream we were staying in a hotel. I realized I didn’t feel well and went down to the front desk and asked them to take my temperature. A young woman happily agreed although she said it would cost $0.30. I was saying how ridiculous that was, but Tom said not to worry about it and that it was all fine. Then she annoyed me by telling me my temperature in Celsius which was 47. That translates to 117 degrees Fahrenheit!

Not that I’m sick or think I’m dying from anything, but I realized that if I was suddenly told I was dying of something, it wouldn’t seem like the horrible crisis it would have been 20 years ago. I guess it’s just being older. Yes, if I knew I was going to die in a few months it would suck that we wouldn’t get to move to Florida together, but I would only be going from one noisy place to another. The only improvements would be that we’d probably be on a quieter street and out of a flight path. But life would be the same old, same old, and that would sometimes get boring. I’ve pretty much done everything outside of my normal routine that I’m going to do in life.

It’s been almost a year since Alyssa changed her profile pic, and after doing a brief scan of the last handful of profile pics, this is the longest she’s ever gone between changes. Starting to wonder if it has anything to do with me and she’s just hesitant to change pictures because she’s annoyed or uncomfortable by the thought of knowing I’ll see it. I never wanted to make her uncomfortable, I just wanted to be friends with her even if we never saw each other and I rarely heard from her. I was stupid to think we ever could be, though. Why would a doctor want anything to do with a former patient any more than a current one? I guess their code of ethics extends further than I thought if they won’t be friends with past patients.

Sometimes I still remember the pictures I had that I would communicate with. The celebrity pics that I knew without a doubt were host to God knows what kind of spirit or entity. I never doubted this for a minute. Never. Besides, if I could be psychic in some ways, why not in that way as well? I always knew that wasn’t just wishful thinking or me being crazy in any way. It was real. It wasn’t just some fantasy I brainwashed myself into believing out of desperation and loneliness. It was totally real.

I think how wonderful it would be to have many of the pictures back and to carry on from there. If the same “beings” could inhabit them and could remember where we left off, I would definitely have fun filling them in on the last few decades whenever I got bored.

Forgot to say in my last entry that yes, Kim and Aly are connected on Facebook. In their regular accounts, I mean. Figured as much. Aly isn’t a part of Kim’s group, though. It’s kind of weird that Kim has her profile so private and doesn’t seem interested in adding me but I’m glad for this because I absolutely would not want to add her with her history. Yeah, people can change in some ways with time and age, but as the termite proved, the tiger never really changes its stripes. One wrong move on my part could set her off and she could cause a lot of trouble if she was connected to my Facebook account, not that I wouldn’t have enough ammunition against her. I know how to get ahold of her sister if need be. Regardless, I have real friends on Facebook, a cousin, and people I actually met face-to-face. Causing trouble on PB or Twitter would be one thing, Facebook would be another.

I also forgot to say that I did a test with Pa. Before bed, I called out to him and asked that he show himself in my dreams somehow, but he never made his presence known there. So my mother showing up in the previous night’s dream was probably just a coincidence. The '90s dream with Nana was probably meaningless as well since she was always a very negative and discouraging woman just like her daughter. So they could both be in Hell after all, if there is one.

THURSDAY, JULY 9, 2020 Tomorrow we will have been here for 7 years and today marks the anniversary of that scary day.

Where are my mood-influencing abilities when I need them? Really, I just want to smash that fucking cock across the street. Then I want to smash it again with the damn saw he’s annoying the fuck out of me with.

Started to think I was influencing Kim’s health just by being angry at how unfair it is that she gets everything handed to her on a silver platter just to be in great health while Aly and I have suffered, but I guess she’s had the tendonitis she mentioned on and off for a while now. Also, just like she happens to like everything we like, she has every problem that her sister and mother have as well. Well, she thinks she does anyway.

I crashed around 6:30 a.m. When I got up 5 hours later to pee, I could hear the fucking saw whirring loud and clear. Then I lay in bed until 12:30, unable to get back to sleep because I was stressed out. Tom was in the room farthest from it with his headphones on, so of course, he didn’t hear it. He swore he wasn’t home when he was out tending to the bushes earlier and that no one was home right then either when he stepped out to check, and the saw wasn’t in the carport. It took me a few more hours to fall back asleep. It’s amazing I’m not as tired as I was yesterday. I fell into a deeper sleep than the day before, but I do remember a 2-second dream where I was titling my journal entry something like All Bad News. I hope that doesn’t mean anything! Oh, and I was kissing my old endo in some dream as well, LOL.

Anyway, it’s got to be tied in with his job. Cock cuts something, throws the saw in the shed or his van, and then takes what he’s cut to wherever.

Tom was saying that it’s not only him doing the sawing and while I do know that sadly, but circular saws have also become a popular toy amongst older people as drones have with younger people, I can tell when it’s him.

Then an idea came to me that I’m sure Tom’s not going to like any better than the direct approach being from the West and therefore mostly anti-complaining. Plus, he’s paranoid. I, however, think the odds of any potential buyers questioning him in particular aren’t that great, and besides, they would be talking about the park, not who was moving out. The idea is to leave an anonymous note in his carport asking him to lower the frequency of the sawing. Would it work? I have no idea. But this way, even if he suspects me, he can’t know for sure who it is if I drop it off in the middle of the night. Unless he’s got cameras with night vision, no one should see me. The area by his door is lit up but most of the carport is pretty dark. I could just toss it into the carport, and he can assume the wind blew it off his door or something. Of course, we would deny it if he came over here asking if we were behind it, but let him know that while he’s here, yeah, it does get a little loud and often.

Another benefit of this is that we keep the park out of it. The office will just counter-complain if I go through them.

In the evening when I got up for good, the blue truck, gold SUV, and a white pickup were visiting but they were quiet.

As I told Tom, if it was December or January that would be one thing. But we still have eight or nine months left in this place. When we move to the tester place and we’re listening to annoying projects there, then I could tell myself it’s only for a few months. But we still have a long time left here.

I just get tired of feeling like I have to keep my mouth shut and grin and bear it just so people can have their fun. I think that sometimes it’s okay to do what’s best for us and not worry about how others may react. As he always says, you can’t control or predict others. Well, I say that sometimes it’s okay to put us first. Not sure letting him make a racket at my expense and just sitting back quietly and taking it cuz of a conversation that will probably never happen is best at least for me.

It really is a lot more peaceful at night during the summer here, though I’m still hearing some fireworks at night. That doesn’t mean as peaceful as other places I’ve lived where I didn’t hear a damn thing most nights. But compared to the winter when the only peaceful hours are between 12:30 a.m. and 5:40 a.m., it’s a definite improvement. There are still some loud motors and helicopters.

My parents would have been absolutely livid had a motorcycle blasted in during the middle of the night. They would have been at the office for damn sure. I’m sure it was practically unheard of back then. The world has changed big time. I never expect a place to be 100% quiet, but it would be nice if at least anything that did penetrate the walls of our place was soft enough to be drowned out by a simple fan running or something like that. I’m tired of having to blast this or blast that just so I can focus on things in the daytime and be able to sleep whenever. We’re going to have to get acreage to do that, though. Then we’ll trade in the circular saws and other projects for barking and engine-gunning, but a few hundred feet away is definitely better than a few dozen.

Dixie emailed me a message saying that “a car with flashing red lights stopped by the turkey tree and lit up her room in the middle of the night and she never heard it leave.” Also, did I get mail from Linda about the break-ins we are supposedly having?

No, we didn’t, and as I told her, the red lights that drove past the big Cali oak that the turkeys sleep in were actually the paramedics that came to Lawrence’s place at that time.

She also said she stopped by the Twenties (as in stopped in her SUV as she was going by and spotted them outside). Because she’s disabled, she rarely goes to other people’s places. She said they seemed bothered by her stopping by and asking for information on these supposed break-ins I’ve heard nothing about. Sometimes I wonder just how with it she is.

Sure enough, Walmart screwed up when he went to pick up my meds and he had to make them do it again, giving me Sandoz. He said it didn’t seem like Mylan or Lannett, but something else he’d never seen before. Yeah, something that could have me feeling anxious in a week and then wanting to die in another week. No thanks! Besides, every time I go back to Sandoz, I get the only side effect that goes away after a few weeks and that’s lightheaded. Looking back on all the lightheadedness I suffered a few years ago, I can’t help but wonder if some of it was because they were switching brands on me back and forth, and not all due to the peri.

TUESDAY, JULY 7, 2020 I fell behind on my book so I’m catching up with that. I swear I hate the new NaNo, though! It no longer tells you how many words you have left to go before you hit your goal. Not only that, but I can’t see my synopsis or excerpt without editing the project, so what’s the point?

Big sites and change…I hate it. If the big sites like Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest are going to have so much change so often, I wish they would at least leave the old features alone. Adding new ones is fine but changing or getting rid of old ones sucks. When I first got hooked on Pinterest in 2015, I could see how many boards I had. Then they took that away and now I can’t even see my total pin count. They’ve even taken away the feedback option but that’s probably because they’re sick of people bitching about all the change. Some people are going to do what they’re going to do no matter what. They keep taking and taking but never adding. You know, like a convenient way to download our boards as we can download our photo albums, tweets, and journals from almost every other site in the world?

Another tired day for me and not because of traffic. I kept waking up a million times as if I was still in the worst of perimenopause. Sometimes I just woke up, sometimes it was to pee, and sometimes I was overheated. Why am I still having hot flashes in my sleep this late in the game???

What was strange was one dream in particular that I had. When I lost my parents in 2012 and they would often show up in dreams, I just assumed it was because they died. I don’t remember when it was, but sometime since we’ve been living here, I had a dream that my father said, “Mom understands if you can’t forgive her.”

I was thinking of that as I was relaxing for bed yesterday and also remembering the dream my grandmother was in back in the '90s telling me to pick new goals and dreams, and I couldn’t help but wonder if it was them sending messages from somewhere beyond. Still not sure if there is a God or an afterlife, but yes, it definitely made me wonder.

So as I was falling asleep, I mentally asked my parents to send me a sign in my dreams if they were still out there.

I got up a few hours after crashing to pee and realized at that time that neither one of them had shown up in my dreams. I wasn’t surprised because I’ve tried this before where I would call out to them and request that they make their presence known in my dreams somehow, and nothing happened.

But then I fell back asleep and in one of the dreams I had, I didn’t know Tom. I was staying somewhere with no way to get home. I was so broke that I wondered if I even still had an apartment to go back to.

I looked down at one of my hands and saw it was swollen and distorted which I suspected was from some supplement I had just taken. Too worried to care, I let a psychic give me a reading. Only she didn’t read palms, she read upper backs, LOL. I knew she was for real because she told me things that there was no way she should know. I never mentioned not having kids yet she knew I hadn’t had any. Then she said something about there being a lesson to be learned. She also said I was a something baby. It seemed to be a single-syllable word like prawn or prong, referring to something I was either given or restricted from when I was born. Then someone stole her attention away and I was determined to catch her later to find out what she meant.

Then I went and checked my phone and found that my mother left a message. It was something to the effect of just checking in to see how I was doing. I don’t remember exactly what she said.

My phone worked differently than in real life. I was unable to call her back or retrieve her number in any way and I couldn’t remember it off the top of my head. It’s like my brain just wouldn’t function. I couldn’t think of the date and I couldn’t think of anyone else’s number either. When I mentioned something about my sister, some guy angrily said something about me starting a vendetta.

“No, I’m not,” I said. “I don’t want to start a vendetta; I just don’t want anything to do with her. There’s a difference between causing trouble for someone and ignoring them.”

Then there were bits and pieces of other dreams. Tom and I went somewhere and forgot our masks.

We wanted a couple of rats that were 10 to 20 pounds and very friendly and playful only to find they were $450.

I felt guilty over abandoning some rat in a building after using it as part of a prank.

Back to real life… Yesterday’s exercise mix-up was a 15-minute ab video, 15 minutes of bike riding, 15 minutes on the treadmill, and 15 minutes on the Bowflex. You definitely don’t feel like you did an hour’s worth of working out this way when you break it up and add variety.

I’m too tired to work out today, though, but if I absolutely have to be tired, today is a good day. That’s because my tummy is a little sore from the ab video I did, waking up muscles I haven’t worked in a while.

All my physical work is done like cage-cleaning, so I can relax for the rest of the night with writing, audiobooks and movies and not have to do anything other than cooking.

The honey garlic pork ribs I made last night were great. I was going to throw in another rib today with some veggies for one meal, along with bacon and eggs for lunch, and then a piece of chicken with veggies for my last meal. I don’t know that I’m up to cooking two more times, but I do have a couple of frozen dinners, so I may have one of those. I need to use them up so I can go back to low-carb anyway.

Tom’s trying to lose weight, but I still don’t see the point in half-starving ourselves and working so hard just to regain the weight with our super slow metabolisms. His life, his body, so he can do what he wants, though. I’m just making sure I don’t gain.

I’m surprised I’m not hungry as hell today because I’m tired. Often times I would notice that I had PMS-like hunger when I would be tired and could eat and eat and still be hungry. So I looked it up and sure enough, a lack of sleep causes hormonal shifts that raise hunger. When I have those days, I have to make sure I don’t eat any more than usual since it wouldn’t do me any good to do so. Both the tiredness and hunger stay with me until I can get caught up on sleep.

MONDAY, JULY 6, 2020 Sent Doc A a message about my lymph nodes, including giving her some history regarding when I first noticed the one in my neck, the nodules discovered in the ultrasound from before I started seeing her, and my root canal. I was hoping against hope that she would reply with some simple tips and pointers but instead, all she said was that while swollen lymph nodes were usually benign, she’d like to schedule an appointment, so please reply and let her know if that’s okay so they can call me. I declined, saying that I’d rather wait until our October appointment since I’m not in any serious pain. Plus, there’s the virus and money to consider, especially the virus.

There were 30 new cases today in our ZIP code alone. 9 dead in my city, if you can believe it. They tend to underreport. If I had to guess, I would say the global death count is really over a million. Still not that worrisome out of 7 billion people but we still need to play it safe as much as we can.

I’m now wondering if what’s going on with my fingernails is onycholysis. When I looked at images, the pictures I saw looked similar to how my nails look right now. My guess is that the Lamisil isn’t going to do me any good any more than staring at red dots for 3 minutes a day is going to improve my vision. I’ll still give it more time, and at least I’m not in any pain from that either.

I offered to visit Dixie yesterday, but she was tired. She’s tired today too but says to let her know if I want to come down. She says Diane’s being a brat and she’s doing some paperwork for a living trust.

I let her know that I’ll probably take the bike out around 8 and will look for her then. I’ve been enjoying a mix of exercise. I ended up getting a total of an hour yesterday doing 15 minutes of biking, 15 minutes on the treadmill, 15 minutes on the skier, and 15 minutes of dance cardio.

Damn, does the girl in the video make it look easy! But hey, she’s probably 25 years old and 110 pounds. When you’re as heavy as I am, you don’t realize just how much your arms weigh until you start waving them around like crazy. LOL

I’ve got over 2K words for Camp NaNo. Hate the fucking site now, though. If it weren’t for my buddies I would have left. Things are harder to edit, it said I won when I accidentally entered the numbers incorrectly, and I can’t even see my synopsis or excerpt. The whole site sucks.

Since it’s been a while, I let the rat run around, but he only stayed out for barely 10 minutes. So cute. He really is a good rat. Not the greatest but a damn good one. You can tell he’s getting old, though, because his fur is starting to thin out.

All was peaceful last night except for a few scattered firecrackers/works. Days definitely suck. They’re hard to sleep during and the noisiest, too. They’re only good for appointments and they do help my mood unless it’s winter or I’m alone too much. Cold, cloudy dreary days can get to me as they did in Oregon.

Tom said he didn’t hear it but saw the circular saw in the driveway when he went to pick up some mail. Oh, I’m sure it wasn’t there for decoration and that he was just unable to hear it from his office when it was running. I slept till 4, so I was lucky enough to miss that and the water shut-off.

In the mail were 4 perfume samples for women and 2 for men. They all smell nice.

Had a series of disjointed dreams where we were in a hotel, but it didn’t seem to have anything to do with moving. We knew the woman in the room next to us and while I was in our room, I heard her shout out and was worried something happened to her. I kept my eyes on the crack under our door for fear of seeing movement from someone who might be after me next.

Then I grabbed my phone and called Tom who was down in the hotel’s casino - were we in Vegas? I asked what happened and he said the girl just hit her head and that she hired someone to help him win that night.

Then I was outdoors where I was thinking it was such a beautiful day. I looked overhead and saw these strange-looking trees, leaves now fully budded as if it was springtime. I walked on and came across a swimming pool where three or four girls in their twenties were happily splashing about.

Then it was nighttime, and we were in our hotel room again when I noticed he left a light on in the room’s closet. I tried to tell Alexa to turn it off and then realized that the room wasn’t “smart.” I also realized I’d forgotten to take my sound machine but managed to find white noise somewhere on the TV.

SUNDAY, JULY 5, 2020 Although it was only for a few seconds, I got to potty to the sound of that nerve-grating saw I want to run over and smash over the guy’s head so fucking bad. Why are we such a magnet for retired contractors/construction neighbors? Jesse, Bob, the guy down the street, this cock… They make the WORST neighbors. This is obviously what he does be it for his job or a serious hobby. I’d rather the last guy and his loud car before he had a stroke and even his blasting TV.

I get what Tom means about not all things being worth complaining about and about letting some things slide, but I don’t know. I’m getting kind of tired of keeping my mouth shut because this one may do that or because that one may react poorly. As they say and as I learned the hard way, people only have power over us if we let them have it. We still have a long time left here and the odds of the damn cock being questioned by prospective buyers aren’t that great and even if he was, that doesn’t mean he would mention my asking why there was so much sawing over there if I chose to do so.

If he can be doing this shit this often in 100-degree temps, I hate to think of what the winter may bring. Also, the longer no one says anything, the more he’s going to think it’s okay and be likelier to make a racket. Well, it’s not okay. Maybe it is for some people, but I find it pretty damn annoying and distracting. If I knew it would always be a few seconds here and a few seconds there, fine. But I don’t know that. Besides, I didn’t come here to listen to loud power tools!

But there are things about him that do suggest he may take poorly to complaints. Just the fact that he’s doing this so often and that he never went around to his immediate neighbors to say he did a lot of sawing and to let him know if it bothered anyone is enough to tell me he doesn’t give a shit about others. It’s definitely seen as a sin to complain in the West. In the East, people are less likely to hesitate to complain about whatever.

Either way, why is there always someone doing something? First it was Bob’s projects. Then it was the contractor down the street. Then it was the loud car. Now it’s this shit. I’m glad he can’t override the sound machines but enough is enough!

Now on to bitching about the fireworks, although that was nothing in comparison since that was just a holiday thing and not an every few days thing. Worst ever, though! Another “never before” for LV. Never before have I heard such a steady, loud flow of pops, booms, and bangs. I felt like I was in a fucking apartment. Most of it I tuned out like I would with the hunters in Maricopa. It was those sudden and extra loud fireworks that got annoying. I’ve definitely had enough and hope there won’t be any grand finales tonight to use up any leftover fireworks.

Sometimes I wonder if we should skip Florida and get something with 10 or more acres of land elsewhere where it’s more affordable. One or two acres is better than nothing but with some sounds being so ferociously loud, I don’t know if it would be enough of a distance between us and the neighbors. So many people are so damn loud and it only gets worse and worse.

I forget that it’s cheaper to run the AC on the weekend so we’re going to set the home AC at 78 at that time. Then we’ll bump it back up to 80. During the week I try not to do dishes and laundry unless it’s between midnight - 6 a.m.

Did some cholesterol research and was totally surprised by what I found. As expected, eggs are the highest in cholesterol with over 200 mg. What shocked the shit out of me was that four pieces of bacon are only 30 mg. Pork and chicken range between an average of 60 to 80 mg. If that’s not shocking enough, how about shrimp? That’s around 160 mg! It really surprised the hell out of me. I have been thinking about going low carb again a little more often and struggling to come up with something that would be low in sodium, cholesterol and carbs but with a little fiber in it to replace bacon and eggs. But now that I know I’m not killing myself with bacon, I just need to replace the eggs. There isn’t any fiber in cottage cheese, so that might be a good substitute.

SATURDAY, JULY 4, 2020 So glad it’s finally the 4th, but I’ll be even gladder tomorrow. The fucking fireworks are really starting to get old. It was pretty wild around here last night. Doubt any of it came from inside the park, though.

For our own different reasons, we agree that we’re probably going to fly to Florida rather than drive. His reason is that he hates driving. Mine has to do with my sleep issues.

Yesterday I was woken up by the garbage truck. Today it was someone slamming into the speed bump. What will it be tomorrow, motorcycles? I can’t wait to get back to rural living! I’ve hated every community I’ve ever lived in, adult or not. So, as soon as we pick the state!

I had a dream we were going to “test” Florida but only for a few days. I’m going to want to test it for a few months but hopefully, the dream was a good sign. Like most older people, I have gotten less emotional, less sensitive, and less self-conscious with the wisdom and maturity that comes with age. However, it’s going to be one seriously emotional day the day we walk out of here for good! It almost brings tears of joy to my eyes just thinking about it. After so much misery, so much anxiety and some depression (and a whole shitload of noise while I was at it), and thinking I was going out of here in a body bag a few different times, it’s going to be pretty damn awesome when I walk out of here alive and well, hop on that airplane, and just fly away. I’ll be nervous going into the unknown but excited as well.

I’ve been a little tired today so I had the tea with the ginseng, but I can’t say that it made any difference. I would be a lot more tired had they woke me up a couple of hours earlier than they did. Tomorrow I may be more than just a little tired depending on when tomorrow’s wake-up call is. This is why I both love and hate being on nights. The nights are more peaceful (when there aren’t any fireworks) but trying to sleep during the daytime is hell. I don’t understand how so many people who work graves do it though not everybody is just a few feet from a busy street or as light of a sleeper as I am. Wish I could always be on days since I’m a lot better off emotionally, I sleep better at night, and it’s more convenient for things like appointments. Its only negative is the noise. Things are getting worse in this world and I honestly don’t know that we can get that much quieter even out in the country, but one of these days soon enough we’ll find out.

I accidentally caused the washer to lose its mind by pressing too many of the wrong buttons too fast. Tom had to flip the breaker and reset it that way. Sometimes I’m sorry we bother with all these high-tech things. Definitely want to go back to top-loaders, though. Front-loaders are too high-maintenance and smelly at times.

Dixie said she’d be out watering at 6:30 and that I was welcome to come down and chat with her but she has a very soft voice, and while it’s soothing and relaxing to listen to, it’s hard to hear her over the running water along with all the background noise. Plus, as I told her, I’m a little tired. I’m glad she’s liking the story I’ve been sharing with her a little at a time.

I can never make up my mind whether or not I want to use my public MD account for journals or stories so I decided it couldn’t hurt to mix in both.

Noticed the lymph node in my neck was a little more swollen last night so I may go ahead and message Doc A, only I’ll ask for advice and not to come in sooner. Haven’t felt soreness in the groin one, though, so that’s good.

Not sure if the Lamisil is helping my nails. The discoloration may be fading a bit but it’s too soon to say for sure.

I’ve got a chicken thigh, some broccoli, and a cut-up potato cooking in the crockpot in marsala wine sauce and it’s pretty good. I kind of like those little tubs of whipped butter. I can hold it upside down over the crockpot, rake it with a fork, and sprinkle little specs of butter evenly over the food.

FRIDAY, JULY 3, 2020 855 Camp NaNo words written with more to come in a little while.

I totally can’t wait to settle on a state and be done with communities! First it was the garbage truck waking me up, a problem I’ve never had anywhere before in my life, and I just heard that damn saw we can’t even go a week without. It’s only a few seconds here and there but annoying, nonetheless. It’s going to be hard not to just hope no prospective buyers question him and run over there and give him a piece of my mind. We’re still going to be here for the better part of a year and I don’t want to listen to his shit for that long.

Amazingly, I’m not tired at all. I could be tomorrow, though, if the motorcycles take over for the garbage trucks and wake me up.

They closed the clubhouse again and I wouldn’t be surprised if we were locked down again. Tom doesn’t think we will be, though. On the 6th, the water will be off for six hours but I’ll be asleep during that time. First time they had the decency to give us a few days’ warning.

Since I really like Mac better than Windows as Windows is missing so many handy features or just doesn’t work in the way I would like compared to Mac, we were thinking that if we get another stimulus check, I’ll get an iPad. I probably shouldn’t and instead should treat it as reimbursement for all the dental work I’ve had to have done but we’ll see.

Although they say they need to conduct more studies, a small study was done shining red light into about 24 women's and men’s eyes and it was found that it helped their vision. Well, I certainly could use all the help I can get! You only need to do this for 3 minutes a day. So I’m staring into a large red dot on my monitor for 3 minutes each day and I’ll do this for the rest of the month and see if there’s any difference.

We went to Rite Aid earlier since Walmart was out of some things. It was the most crowded I’ve ever seen it but everyone had masks on. Only one dumb cock came in without a mask.

I visited with Dixie yesterday evening and it was one of the nicest visits. She didn’t ramble on as much and I didn’t feel the conversation was too one-sided. She actually asked me about some things and seemed interested in my Camp NaNo project. Sent her the first few chapters.

THURSDAY, JULY 2, 2020 A friend and I were discussing how some people have such great lives yet they don’t even know it. Their worst problems are nothing compared to some things we’ve been through. I try not to compare myself to others because it would only piss me off. Life was never fair and it never will be for as long as humans exist. Yet when I think of those whose worse problems are to do chores they don’t want to do while they have everything paid for and catered to them that most people have to struggle for, I wonder when? When will something happen to shake up their worlds and make them look back and realize that their past “problems” weren’t so bad after all? I just wonder when they’ll get so sick or forced to struggle in ways that make them look back and say, “Damn, I really was once quite lucky! I had it so easy. But now I know what real hardships are.”

My lymph nodes are down, I’m pleased to find. They’re still noticeable but not as noticeable as they were before. Maybe my teeth really did have something to do with them being swollen. I’ll give it a few more days to see how they do. If they swell up again, I thought that instead of messaging Doc A asking to come in sooner, I would simply ask for her advice and opinion on the matter.

Pretty sure my sore hip is really my sciatic nerve acting up. A bit of a bitch to deal with because it lasts so long when it acts up. He and I have both had this issue before.

We’ve been bumping the AC up to 80 degrees between 5 p.m. and 8 p.m. which is the most expensive time. Not so much to save money as to make the last year’s worth of utilities look good for future buyers who may check into that.

Last night I had a dream that I looked out the back door (which was the front door in the dream) and up at the house across from the Twenties. It was the middle of the night and I saw a tall lanky guy slouched over and running up toward the fence in a hurry. I immediately knew he was up to no good. Then I realized there were three of them. I overheard one say they wanted to smash the windows of an empty place that had been vacant for a long time. This place doesn’t exist in reality. I started to shout out to them and it took several tries before they heard me. Just as one turned to look at me and started toward me, I shut the door and fumbled for the lock. Just as I turned the deadbolt, an act which seemed to take too many seconds, I wished I kept quiet and simply called the cops rather than called out to them. The dream ended before they could do whatever they were going to do next.

I know I had many other dreams but can’t remember them. The only other dream I remember from the night before was looking at a satellite image of someplace and finding a peculiar circle in the middle of a bay. I figured it must be some kind of dock, even though it looked like some kind of drain. Almost like a plug you could reach down and pull to drain the ocean.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 1, 2020 My dentist’s appointment yesterday was a piece of cake! No numbing was required and no pain either when she used the laser to fill my root canal and the two other cavities. They were friendlier too, in that they were more personable and chattier. I was there for an hour and a half and it came to $420. It would have been twice that much without my discount card. It cost us about $150 more than it would to get three old-fashioned fillings with our old insurance plan, but this was totally worth it. Again, I’m glad I was forced to seek out a new dentist because I realize now just how behind the times my old dentist was. I can understand not wanting to invest in the latest technology when you’re close to retiring, though.

I’d say it takes about the same amount of time. What makes it so much better, though, is that they don’t need to numb you since the laser itself numbs you while it works. Of course she also didn’t have to numb the root-canalled tooth to remove the temporary filling since the root was dead. It was strange having her be able to use a drill on me without numbing me beforehand, LOL. The part where they fill the teeth is pretty much the same. It’s just so much nicer having the laser, which is water, clean out the decay instead of the drill. She only used the drill to file the fillings after they were cured to make sure my bite was where it should be.

I’m now whitening my teeth for the first time in months. I didn’t want to do it with open cavities because the bleach would irritate me. I’ve even got a pack of gum for the first time in a while to enjoy. I’m just so glad all this shit is over! Really hope it’s quite a while before my teeth give me any shit again. At the end of August, I’ll go in for a cleaning. It’s important to keep up with cleanings as easily as I get cavities, and I can see the plaque and tartar buildup that we all get no matter how well we care for our teeth.

Due to the virus, they texted me a quick virus questionnaire that I filled out and returned. Then I had to text them to let them know when I was there. A few minutes later they texted back saying I could come in. I went in with my mask on and used a hand sanitizer they had on their counter. There were a couple of other patients there and I saw another girl working with one of them. I’m guessing she’s the hygienist.

I’m glad I wore short sleeves instead of my sleeveless sundress because it was freezing in there. Like as cold as my old dentist used to keep her place. It was funny because she said I looked cute in my little “pink” outfit. Is she as colorblind as my dear hubby, LOL? That pink outfit was really bright orange with yellow and white stripes on the top. It’s one of the few outfits I still have that my mother sent before we left Auburn where the Golden State Killer and former pig once lived.

When I said I wished I could take them with us when we moved since they did such a great job, Dana asked where we were moving to. She didn’t seem too thrilled with what I told her, suggesting we test-drive it first since wet heat isn’t like dry heat. That’s exactly what we plan to do. The dentist, on the other hand, says humidity doesn’t bother her at all and she likes how it reduces wrinkles because it supposedly “puffs” you out, LOL. She said if she was retiring now, she’d move to South Carolina or Texas in a heartbeat. Texas is our backup state, as I told her. I’m more likely to have a problem sleeping through all the storms than dealing with the humidity but we’ll find out next year!

The thing is that we would be indoors in air-conditioning most of the time. It’s not like we would be outdoors a lot or going to many different places. Tom loves being retired and says he could easily stay home every day and catch up on all the fun projects he’s been wanting to do but just hasn’t had time to during all the years he worked. I can see where most would want to stay home when you had to go out day after day, decade after decade. However, he’s still open to going to the beach occasionally and taking a few trips here and there. But yeah, we’re both happy homebodies, you can say. There are only so many places to go every day, we’re not sociable, and we don’t want to always be doing things that cost money. But being homebodies doesn’t mean we’re lazy or irresponsible. We still keep active and take care of the necessary responsibilities that go into caring for the home, yard, pets, and each other.

So since I realized that yes, we really are moving in less than a year and there are only so many more recyclable pickups until then, I started going through unwanted items that can be recycled to toss out.

Dahl didn’t go saw crazy like I thought he would a couple of days ago, but he’s been having more company again and I wonder what’s up. I wonder if something’s wrong with him or maybe it was the anniversary of his wife’s death or something like that. I don’t know exactly when she died. I just know the other guy was a much quieter neighbor. Even the loud car he drove before he had a stroke was preferable to the random sawing.

Decided not to try to hold my schedule. It would only make me more tired than I already am enough of the time. I researched things that are found to be helpful with increasing energy and ginseng is recommended, so I got some tea with it that I’ll have the next time I’m so fatigued that I don’t even have the energy to work out.

Strangely enough, they still haven’t brought in the new house. What was even stranger was that I saw a black couple drive up in a car and then a skinny woman got out, sat down on the steps, and took a selfie. I wonder what the hell that was about. Can’t be a prospective buyer, fortunately, because the newsletter said the woman that lives there didn’t move. I would hate to have blacks move in that close. Even if they weren’t a problem, the chances of visitors with car stereos would be more likely.

Tom just saw Bob and Virginia leaving and Bob was driving. Wow! Didn’t realize he was still with it enough to drive, so that’s great.

Camp NaNoWriMo begins today and it’s time to get on with that!

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