#delete later? yeah prob
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#IM SO FUCKING MISERABLEEEEEEEE#anyway. decided officially today bc my mind is fucked up like that#but w/e#anyway yeah. today my father (?) has chosen to forsake any kind of relationship whatsoever!#he had the audacity to come to me afterwards and be like ��i care. i care!!’#and i asked him to show it. prove it! and he had no answer! just like he hasn’t for the past thirty years!#sorry bitch! you don’t get a participation trophy when it comes to parenting! you either do it or you don’t!#anyway. speaking to him as though i don’t really care (working on it) is. disgustingly fulfilling#it’s bc it’s just what i call ‘bitch me’ speaking my mind instead of suppressing it like i do all other facets of my personality#while living here. it’s great! it’s awesome!#i’m internalizing my therapist trying to beat into my thick goddamn skull that this is an Abusive Environment and an Abusive Household#and he used those words specifically and he used the upper case i could hear it#and that cognitive dissonance has been fun!#anyway. at my fucking limit!#so grateful i’m going to be with people that actually care for and love me#and that i care for and love endlessly back as soon as less than 24 hrs#vaguely concerned having to go back will break me?#*!#but that sounds like a problem for sober and tomorrow me#in the meantime. i play dead by daylight. bc im v good at avoiding being killed/being allowed the hatch#and it’s oddly affirming#or maybe an extremely fucked up version of ‘everyone for themselves’ OR ‘no one gets lefts behind’#very fun mind games to play with myself. for no reason.#did i mention im drunk#i’m drunk lol#delete later? yeah prob
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🌸 post-catws stucky + lovers’ kiss
one.
The thing about grief is, it has a habit of dropping by every once in a while, unannounced and insistent like a nosy suburban neighbor.
It’s a contrary little creature. Some days it strikes hard, and crushes Steve’s chest with the brutal force of a frothing waterfall. Sometimes, though, it comes in droplets; little pills that get stuck in his throat for a minute, until he can swallow them down.
Steve doesn’t mind those too much: sure, the aftertaste is bitter – but there’s always a spoonful of honey at hand to help wash it down.
two.
There’s a morning ritual Steve is particularly fond of.
When the coffee has been made, and the first sip taken, he nudges their mugs to the side, and crowds Bucky back against the kitchen counter, arms braced on either side of him to box him in. Bucky watches him come with a knowing grin, a gleam in his eyes that says, well, all right, he’ll let Steve believe that he’s leading this little dance here, just this once.
But it’s Bucky who pulls him in the rest of the way; Bucky who sets his hands low around Steve’s waist, and brings their bodies flush together from hip to knee, delight written in the pretty curve of his lips.
“Hey there, sailor,” he teases. His morning voice is a dark, rich thing, rough around the edges but soft at its core, sweet with that old Brooklyn drawl that brings Steve right back home.
“Hey there, sweetheart,” he chuckles against Bucky’s smiling lips, their breaths warm between them. “Fancy meetin’ ya here.”
It’s a ritual. Aren’t all kisses a ritual? Well-learned steps and a worshipful heart, the motions so ingrained they come naturally to your limbs.
Their mouths brush together, easy. Unrushed, like time will slow down for them if they’ll just deign to ask.
Bucky’s head tilts just so in Steve’s hands, and the kiss opens up, spilling its molten heat on Steve’s tongue, stroking inside to taste him, easy, easy.
It’s a long-practiced dance. If Bucky pushes, Steve will give; if Steve strays to flutter kisses all over Bucky’s bristly cheek, Bucky will grin and chase after him, and steer Steve back towards his lips.
It’s lazy. Uncomplicated. It’s their first conversation of the day, and Steve can just make out the words in the whisper of Bucky’s hair running through the gaps between his fingers; in the hushed rustle of his own t-shirt, when Bucky’s hand slips under the hem and slides warmly up the dip of Steve’s spine, leaving a trail of pebbled skin in its wake.
You’re here, Bucky’s touch says, awed and reverent.
Always, Steve says back, and kisses that vow to Bucky’s lips for Bucky to find later, when he’ll brush his fingertips against it, and the well-loved flush of his mouth, red and sweetly sore, will remind him of this. Of always.
Parting from him is agony, but breathing is an unfortunate necessity in life – so Steve pulls back, though only just enough to drink Bucky in, his arms wrapped snugly around Bucky’s waist to hold him close.
He’s a sight to behold, all soft and loved up and ruffled from Steve’s own hands, his smile like a ripe fruit framed by the fullness of his beard. His eyes crinkle with it, each little crease a testament to his happiness – and Steve knows he’s gonna have to take his time kissing each and every one of those later, or he’ll simply be driven to madness.
He should get to have a whole lifetime of this, Steve thinks – a lifetime to dedicate just to this little pleasure. Seventy years at least, to make up for the seventy years gone by that could have seen them grow old and gray together, but were stolen from them instead – and then seventy years more, ninety, a hundred, as many as his old withering body will stand and breathe for.
This will be his only job: the worship of Bucky’s laugh lines, of the curling wisps of his bedhead, of his eyelashes fanning darkly against the pad of Steve’s thumb. Cherishing this treasure he holds in his hands – the one he once thought gone forever.
There it is now: a little pill lodged in his throat. The cold hand of grief squeezing around his heart again, just for a moment.
Bucky’s palms cup his cheeks, drawing Steve’s gaze up to meet his.
“Hey,” he murmurs, gentler than before, his thumb stroking soothingly over Steve’s cheekbone. “You’ve got your thinking face on. What’s wrong?”
Steve covers Bucky’s hand with his own, turning his mouth to it to kiss the warm, unyielding metal of Bucky’s palm.
“Nothing’s wrong,” he promises, leaning in to nudge to tip of his nose against Bucky’s, like a puppy. “Just busy coming up with an excuse to kiss you some more.”
Bucky’s breath puffs warmly against his lips. “Yeah? Had any luck yet?”
Steve hums pleasantly, “Mm-mmm”, locking his fingers together just above the small of Bucky’s back, and gently sways the two of them from side to side. Bucky snorts, amused, but he allows it; dropping his hands to rest on Steve’s shoulders as Steve rocks them slowly, left to right, right to left.
“Here’s what I think,” Steve rumbles. “I think I ought to give you one kiss for each day we were apart since 1945.”
Bucky stares back at him, his lips parted slightly in surprise. He takes Steve in, wordlessly, studying him from the arch of his eyebrows, to the half-crooked slope of his nose, to the hopeful smile Steve knows he must be sporting right now. There is much left unsaid, Steve can feel its weight hanging in the air between them, recognizes it by taste and sound.
But Bucky’s gray eyes shimmer, nearly crystal-clear, and they fill with the kind of big, heart-twisting emotion that cannot fit under a single label; one that is equal parts ache and tenderness, and Steve understands – his chest feels too-tight around that same ache, too.
“That’s a lot of kisses,” Bucky rasps softly, and his hand skates up Steve’s shoulder to curl over the nape of his neck, herding him one inch closer into Bucky’s space.
“Yes,” Steve whispers, leaning in the rest of the way to mash their foreheads together. He can feel his own heart beat inside his chest, a quick and steady rhythm, and a rushing sense of victory bubbles straight up to his lips, sweet and light as air. “Exactly.”
Bucky laughs, a little wetly, and laughs ever harder when Steve tries to kiss him and gets all teeth and half a nostril instead – his head thrown back and his whole body shaking joyfully, while Steve ducks in to kiss what bristly portion of Bucky’s neck he can reach.
A treasure, Steve thinks.
A treasure in his hands, and forever to hold on to it.
three.
He sits himself down at the table with a sheet of paper, a pen and a calculator, a bunch of dates marked down and circled over and over in the topmost corner.
Bucky watches him from across the room, amused and – Steve believes – a little bit impressed.
“You’re really gonna do this?”
Steve smiles up at him, throwing in one teasing wiggle of his eyebrows for good measure.
“I’m a man of my word.”
It takes nearly a whole hour of focused scribbling before he looks up again, a wide grin lit up like Christmas on his face and a torn piece of paper held up in triumph. “I have the number.”
25109.
Seventy years’ worth of daily kisses.
It’s quite the commitment. It requires dedication. But good things are always worth putting in the work, Bucky tells him, eyes dancing with laughter; and when he settles in Steve’s lap, heavy and warm in Steve’s arms, and brushes their mouths together to claim the first of what he was promised, Steve can’t help but agree.
four.
25109 kisses Steve owes him, and he initiates quite a few; but mostly, he lets Bucky ask for them, when and where the mood strikes him to do so.
When he’s right on the verge of sleep, his face half-swallowed up by his pillow, and he can’t even peel his eyes open long enough to receive his kiss – he just tips his chin up and waits for Steve to scoot closer and find his mouth, drowsily humming in satisfaction.
When he lets Steve slip into the shower with him, and slides his hands up Steve’s chest, sweet and proprietary, and their breaths mingle with the hot steam.
When he’s got his head in Steve’s lap while Steve reads, and Steve’s fingers carding through his hair at leisure; and Steve catches Bucky watching him from under his eyelashes, and trying to hide that private little grin of his, because apparently Steve was silently mouthing the words again without realizing it.
“Kiss me special, Stevie,” he’ll croon, and Steve will know.
And he’ll be all too happy to comply.
five.
Steve is supposed to keep score. He does, too. For the most part.
Once every couple of weeks or so, though, he’ll just so happen to conveniently lose count.
He’ll roll out of bed with singular purpose, and break the tragic news to Bucky over their morning coffee, barefoot and forlorn. Bucky never buys his little sob story, but that never stops Steve from batting his eyelashes at him all prettily, either.
He’ll guide Bucky’s arms to loop around his neck, luring him in, soft and stealthy like a thief, and he’ll mumble real close to Bucky’s lips, “Let’s start over again.”
And Bucky, sweet, merciful, long-suffering Bucky, will accept his fate and be kissed breathless once more, right in front of their placidly steaming mugs.
“There,” Steve will murmur, again, and again, and again. “One down, 25108 to go.”
Oh, one life won’t be enough to see the end of this, no.
And that’s exactly Steve’s plan.
***
little sidenote nobody asked for lol: obviously the number of days/kisses varies depending on when you think the boys were reunited; my wishful thinking headcanon for this specific fic is: post-helicarrier, they find each other again sometime in the fall, 2014. the ficlet is set sometime in late spring 2016, and ignores everything that comes after catws.
#stucky#stevebucky#post-catws stucky#i clearly have no idea what i'm doing#neither with the writing nor with the formatting. but uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i tried#i swear that number is way less random than it looks#do you know how many leap years we've had since 1945?? i know now#was it really necessary?? i mean. yeah i mean. probably not lol#i'm so sorry#i've been adding and subtracting for too long#i don't even know what i wrote anymore#please have mercy#should probs delete later#rillers scribbles
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idk just draw smth I guess?
my mom had a 10h spinal surgery this week so sorry for not being in the best headspace to be at your beck and call to produce art at your preferred rate pookiebear <3<3<3
#yeah yeah dont take the bait whatever man#i literally got 4h of sleep like 4 days in a row gimme a sec to recover loool#artists are humans lmao give me a minute good god#i dont like venting but this kinda ask mad cringe. rethink the kinda person you are sweetie <3#delete later prob
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i was told once that sometimes i have trouble fittin in with other fancontent makers because im seen as a “threat” (whatever that means) but trust me when i say i am not here to compete with yall. Zero interest in fact. i dont think fandom is meant to be a game of who can be the ‘best’ fan and im here to just yknow. contribute to a community :]
If it seems like Im loud and sometimes pushy about people seein my stuff its because im passionate about and proud of a with what ive made and i want to share with the other people who are also enjoyers of that thing!!
#delete later prob#i get like the. Ok we’re all tryna get work and stuff but theres a point where its like. why does there need to be a one person who#is *the* griian artist. or *the* artist for insert ship here#the only thing im competetive about is like streamin stuff/bein a mcyt but thats like unrelated#not to sound like an old man but#like i remember when fandom was all about like ‘we all like this thing and as long as we can be civil about it/not do harmful shit with it’#and not ok everyone is my competition and i need to be the best of the fans the favorite of the cc or i will die#idk it just. it just bothers me because#i feel like its hard to make friends in fandom nowadays when its all about#how many notes you get how popular you are#because then the automatic assumption is ‘oh you’re just tryna use me for views’ WHEN NO I JUST LIKE THE SAME OLD MAN YAOI YOU DO#salt tag#but yeah just. havin thoughts rn#ramblings from the heartsgone#lafakiwi talks
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Maybe this is just me being autistic or something, but I do not understand how movie/TV adaptations of games are so hard to make. The original media is right there??? Just use it as a basis for your script?????? Add and subtract where necessary for the medium while still keeping it the same story at heart????????? “But it’d be boring if it was a whole tv show” ok then why is it not boring as a game???????????? Why do people replay games then???????????????????? I don’t get it.
#yeah this is about Castlevania#text post#like I watched multiple adaptations of Dracula#because I wanted the story of Dracula#I’d have been mad if it was a Dracula adaptation called Dracula and then wasn’t the story of the novel besides a couple character names#so why is it any different for games#if anything like you have more room in game adaptations#you can just adapt everything that’s there and add a ton of character development stuff that the game didn’t have space for?#ez???#idk I’m probs just stupid#might delete later cause this is dumb#anti netflixvania#just random ranting ig
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I hate the part about OCD where people don’t understand you just can’t trust yourself or your safety standards. Like I have contamination OCD about food…still. I. CAN. BARELY. EAT.
I see one thing in my food that looks weird and think: is this my OCD or is this a legitimate concern? If I take a bite am I going to get sick? The spiral starts…oh but this piece of *insert food fear* is slightly off. Now I need to inspect my food. What am I supposed to do? Accept that I could get sick? I have emetophobia. Fear of sepsis. The list goes on. I have to ask someone if they would eat it. It’s fucking weird. People hate it.
God. Jesus. Christ.
#ocd#actually ocd#intrusive thoughts#will my real event ocd cause me to delete this later?#yeah prob#TW ocd#TW intrusive thoughts#compulsions#contamination ocd#mental health awareness#actually mentally ill#fuck off fakers#I’m so ocd#you suck#why does everyone automatically say oh I have ocd too
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spiritually banging my head against a wall. every time i start having respiratory/throat/chest symptoms from my mcas, I immediately flash back to all the times I've had anaphylaxis and get terrible anxiety. Survival mechanism, yes. But also... I am not having fun and I have not had full blown anaphylaxis since the early days of post mold exposure. so like. let's take a deep breath and calm down, body
#vent#personal#mcas#might delete later im just grumpy right now#i get a tight chest and im like. SHIT. anaphylaxis?? mcas getting worse???? epipen?????#ive only needed the epi immediately once but that was enough#overwhelmed because I just want to find a doctor that can help me manage this shit but there are no specialists around here so#my options rn are an immunologist in maryland or a gi in louisiana...#my pcp is like yeah you prob have mcas and i have other patients w mcas but he isnt comfy managing my mcas or prescribing my cromolyn bc he#not a specialist!! which is fair enough!!!#completely understanding thirteen being scared to death in you dont want to know when she has tremors. and thinking its her huntingtons#bc i feel my chest and immediately think 'is this my mcas. am i being horrendously triggered by mold again'#the momentary dread of 'is it getting bad' before I can calm myself down (stress can make reactions WORSE 🫠)#differential diagnosis
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anxiety stuff, venting to the void, etc
sometimes I think a part of me is always going to be scared of feeling like the lonely and hurt 9 year old girl crying alone at a sleepover party because she spent the night listening to all of the inside jokes that she’ll never be a part of and knowing the others have more fun with each other than with her
and I haven’t been acting like myself in months because my brain just doesn’t work right and I feel like I’m too much as a person, too clingy too sappy too needy too me, even when I try not to be that makes me hard to be around and love
I’m tired of feeling so frayed and barely holding on and I’m tired of needing reassurance about worried thoughts I know are so stupid and I’m especially tired of crying about everything all the time. anyway
#sorry if anyone actually reads. will prob delete this one later i’m just. yeah#the life and times#mental health tw
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ladies and gents i present to you the first and probably last time i post my guitar playing on here:
a few things 1: its a video cause i couldn't get the stupid thing to upload as an audio. 2 there are countless mistakes aka my nails aren't chopped so sometimes im not pressing on the strings hard enough etc. 3 im playing around here with chords and stuff like that (i made it all up tho) 4 unless convinced otherwise (by myself lol) this will probs be taken down later
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Just watched "I Saw The TV Glow" in cinemas and boy did I get chest kicked all the way back to my derealisation episodes when I was like 6 years old.
#movies are a crazy concept#oh yeah this 2 hour long montage of pictures makes me want to melt into a puddle and close my eyes#but alas i am exactly like owen and will continue to wake up in this world and pretend im making the right choices#i saw it with a friend but I don't think she fully realised how much the movie fucked me up#cried twice in cinemas#will probably cry again later#got ice cream after#now i feel empty#but im going out again tomorrow with friends so im excited!!#being here and alive is so strange#i feel like im wading through a swamp and slowly sinking#maybe ill also wake up one day#anways!!#probs wont delete :)#i saw the tv glow#movie review#spoilers#cinema
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list of mutuals is scary cool , scary cool , scary cool , mako beloved , scary cool , love to bother , time to bug , scary cool , meemaw , and so epic .
#ooc ; zip it#:: ill probs delete this later but yeah mutuals please never think im avoiding im just terrified .#:: but ur all so cool
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2022 has been hard and punched me in the dick for months on end but I gotta say three real good moves i made this year
drinking a ton more water
going hard in the gym
just hard blocking/cutting people out of my life if the shit they say makes me feel worthless
#if it sucks...... hit da bricks#but fr it's been hard just retaining the will to stay alive sometimes#and hearing people shit on others for being over 30 or poor or whatever else#whew. whew!!!! BYE#I'll prob delete this and write smth more eloquent later but yeah
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Why i am blocked oh my god i feel terrible 😭😭😭
Hi! I often block people if they post content I'm particularly not interested in or content that makes me uncomfortable (usually the latter). I block semi-liberally, so please try not to take it personally; I'm just trying to curate my experience on the internet to fit my personal comfort. We don't know each other so I'm not trying to say anything about you as a person by blocking you.
Not to get on my soap box about blocking, but I really encourage you and others to not take blocking personally. I've gotten blocked by artists whose works I like, and it's definitely shocking at first, and very tempting to get defensive or hurt by it. But for me it helps to keep in mind that the person blocking me has their own experience on the internet that they want to have and curate and it may be the case that the things I post happen not to be part of it; and likewise, I'm not obligated a right to view anyone's works if they don't want me to for whatever reason.
(Also please know that people are not obligated to give a reason for why they block, it's really not your business. Many people find it invasive and disrespectful of boundaries to message someone after they've blocked you. Just keep this in mind that other people will likely not react kindly to receiving a message from someone they blocked)
#replies#delete later#probably#like ive gotten blocked by a fairly popular kbdn fixed position artist before and my first instinct was to be hurt and wonder why#like is it bc i drew dnkb or reversible raileon? or bc i draw kibkab? or bc i draw adult age gap pairs? and eventually i was just like yknow#it doesnt matter what the reason is; that person just felt like blocking me and its fine. theyre allowed to do that#idk its kinda easy to forget sometimes that while ppl often tout that you should block ppl to curate ur internet experience#it means sometimes you'll get blocked too. and that's fine! it's just a website feature#anyway yeah prob delete later bc this is too wordy
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I don't really talk about rusliet much, but I do write for the ship often. It's toxic, and I do not sugarcoat the relationship between them. Part of the reason I like Tolys so much is honestly because I respect and can relate to someone who has suffered and escaped an abuser. This is not his only toxic relationship he has had, but in my eyes, probably the worst.
He is a survivor, and I do not think you can really grasp him as a character without taking into consideration how his relationship with Ivan has affected and shaped him.
#just some thoughts#probs delete later#but ye - I dunno if folks were aware that I do dabble with this ship 😂#I think exploring toxic relationships is fine. I never understand why folks take issue with this ship. Yeah#it's an abusive relationship. those exist. m
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insane brain telling me to turn one of my oldest wip fics into an ask blog instead vs i dont wanna draw
#shut up luci#delete later#by one of my oldest i mean its a premise i've been playing with since middle school.#it is veryyyyyyy loosely a shimotsuma monogatari au for my bbygrls alice and sakura. loosely.#at this point the only real resemblance is the punk x lolita combo. entirely different plot and such#i've rewritten it so many times and even considered filing off the serial number to make it into an original story instead of fic#a couple scenes from my stageplay began their life as being part of this fic before i realized it matched my ocs better than iggypan#i havent touched this story in a while but i'm rereading some of it and i thought hm this would be a cute askblog premise also#however i dont feel like drawing all that but now im tormented with all the cute snippets i could show into their lives and the story#it might help me get the ball rolling on rewriting and polishing up to eventually publish#not to get anyones hopes up im prob gonna still take another decade on this fic#inb4 u can run an askblog without art. yeah i know that but art is my fave component of an askblog#inb4 no one sends asks anymore. i dont care i already know what asks i want to send to myself. but i would like to receive some others also
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whatever you think my borderlands fic is about, you're wrong. i don't even know. you wouldn't be able to guess the choices i get you to make.
#borderlands#rhys strongfork x reader#hey. hey you. yeah you#shoot me#shoot me right now right in the face#i haven't seen the outside of my wip for days#probs delete later#i'm coding a game at this point
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