#delete later bcs i can't say this to anyone!

[tittyinfinity]

contemplating deleting my blog soon I might make a new blog but idk

[essenceofarda]

.

[olessan]

I love the fact that I can work as hard as I can manage with a broken tooth and a dying tooth (one on each side, I've been chewing on the cavity for a year) and I still cannot save even $10 towards getting dental treatment (2 impacted wisdom teeth, + tooth broken off under the gum, + bad cavity) because I barely make enough to cover my food and board and the insane energy bill

[harrowharkwife]

swear to god if i open a fanfic ONE MORE TIME only to be greeted with an author's note saying "i asked chatgpt to tell me a story about-" i am going to go fucking NUCLEAR

[anirudhpisharody]

.

[ozzy-boy]

Hii! Volks, Scale and Cole's reaction (separately) if someone calls their s/o ugly?

Volks:

-Volks doesn't do social media. He doesn't have any and he doesn't look at it either.

-He finds the whole thing kind of ridiculous anyway- why would you care what strangers online have to say? You show him cute videos of dogs sometimes though, so he figures it can't all be bad.

-When Volks notices that you're a little downtrodden, he doesn't suspect that social media would be the cause.

-You brush him off and say that it's stupid when he asks what's wrong, which immediately rubs him the wrong way.

-He's your boyfriend- he doesn't care if it's stupid, if something is bothering you, he wants to know.

-If you keep trying to avoid it he'll end up putting his forehead against yours and staring into your eyes until you say it.

-You eventually give in and admit that someone called you ugly under one of the new pictures you posted.

-Normally Volks would probably agree that it's stupid to be upset over a stranger's opinion, but that kind of thing doesn't bother him. You're more sensitive than he is though. (unbothered king)

-He assures you it isn't true and is extra sweet for a while to make you feel better. He also goes on your phone later and deletes any comments that aren't compliments (even if it takes him a while to figure out how bc he's an old man with technology 💀)

Scale:

-Scale isn't huge on social media either, but he makes accounts so he can like your posts and so you can send him things.

-Honestly if he didn't have the whole 'assassin secret identity' thing going on, he'd probably post stuff about his workout routine. He's fine just sending those videos to you, though ;)

-He likes to go to your insta and look at your pictures when he's having a rough day with training, just as a little pick-me-up.

-Though, today he notices a comment under your most recent post.

-Immediately confused. ("Huh?")

-Refreshing the page constantly, as if expecting it to be a mistake. ("Who?")

-You? Ugly??? ("What?????")

-Genuinely dumbfounded. He's never heard something so ridiculous in his life.

-You're equally confused a few hours later when you log on and see your boyfriend getting in an online slapfight with a random person under your post.

-It's very endearing that Scale is so willing to go to bat and defend you but you're gonna have to give him a lesson in online safety and teach him how to block people that make him angry and move on -_-

Cole:

-Cole is your number 1 fan he has all your accounts on notification. He is your first like on every post.

-He kind of hates that your pictures are online for anyone to see but he deals with it. He has his own collection of pictures to admire but he often refreshes your pages to see what you're up to.

-While you're out together one day you decide to take a quick photo and post it since you're feeling cute.

-It's not until a while later that Cole watches you check your phone, only for a sad look to pass over your features. He quickly investigates, and finds a bubbling anger rising in his chest when he finds that someone's insulted you.

-'I have to kill this guy right fucking now-'

-'No, no, calm down Cole. You need to keep your cool in front of Marshmallow.'

-'Wait a second, they look sad. I'm going to kill-'

-Cole does a few deep breathing exercises, gets his head on straight and repeatedly tells himself that he can't run off to track down an internet stranger while you're sad.

-"My darling, have I told you how wonderful you look today...?"

-He spends the next several hours spoiling and complimenting as much as you'll allow.

-After all, you need no one else but him.

[lemonxlimee]

Intro post

Last updated: January 25th, 2025

Last update: changed song, updated friends list

ASK RULES

No Leafy neg. No exceptions. You will be blocked. If you're a mutual and you must post about it please tag it as such

No donation asks (i cant donate, regardless of where you're from.) I'll just delete the asks and block you anyway

Have some substance, don't just send a random picture and expect me to be funny. Exceptions will be made for relevant memes such as the chonny jash berries

Anything else is fair game, I guess

Names: Our collective names are Lemon, Pyrite or Lock! If you know who's fronting, feel free to call us that, too! ^_^ (or, if you're not sure and up for a challenge, try to guess. ;) you can also call us Saturn, Leafy or Apollo if you wish. Label me whatever you would like

— if I sign off with &, that means the comment was collective; or it applies to General Pyrite rather than any single headmate

Age: 17

Pronouns

French Canadian; I live in Alberta, Canada!

PFP is from BFB, with the bigender and arospec flags. Banner is from Chonny Jash's Ruler of Everything. Blog title is from Centricide 7: Noise. Bio is from the Minecraft end poem.

Fandoms, in order: OSC, Chonny Jash, Centricide, Minecraft, Ninjago, and (very occasionally) FNAF

Dnfi: harmful paras/pro contact, radqueers/terfs, zionists, anti-queer, if you're under 13 (get off tumblr), anti-endos*

Super thin ice: hazbin/helluva fandom, Leafy haters, nickloon shippers, fireafy shippers, "endo neutral" people*

Thin Ice: Yeah there's no one in this section yet. Boo 👻

*Not dni but it's weird if you interact: if you're over 26, anti jashippers, anti shippers in general, ageless blogs

Please interact: object show fans, lgbtqia+, anyone who lives in Western Canada (alberta/sask/bc), Leafy defenders, other systems, and anyone who shares a fandom!! ^_^ and basically anything else I guess

Complicated interaction (i.e. specific people only can interact): proshippers*, homestuck, "anti-syscourse*", Firey defenders**

*exceptions will be made on a case-by-case basis

*If you aren't in syscourse feel free to disregard this

**This one is in CompInt because half the time I'm a Firey defender and the other half the time I hate his guts

My Spotify: Leafyztar !! 💚❤️

My Wattpad: xxcloudyy-

My YouTube: L3MON // LIM3

My Ao3: l3monxlim3

My Discord: leafyztar

Friendos:

@talkingteardrop

@tapwater118

@depraced

@onion-the-stupid-child

@the-weird-artistic

@novaazurite

Awesome partners:

@serpyserper56 (wife!!)

@lillyshroom (only Paper, and possibly Book)

@twig-gy (something)

@booktaggy (qppife)

Byf:

• I don't post about Palestine. Isreal supporters dnfi, but I can't donate to anyone, and it makes me spiral, so I've blocked the tag and I ignore asks. I'm not a bad person for this and if you tell me i am I'll ignore you.

• I say the F and D slurs very often. I'm not sorry. I don't use the T slur though, it makes me unhappy

• If you wanna send an ask, have it have some substance, please, instead of just an image (╥﹏╥)°°

• I don't do art requests! I draw, write and post whatever I want whenever I want. Maybe I'll open commissions later on.

• I'm objectum and also hhhhnng plushsiesssssss,,,

• SPECULATIVE BIOLOGIST!! Please ask me about my object spec bio. I love object spec bio. I love it. I love it. I love spec bio. I love osc spec bio. I lo

• I specialize in plants and machines, but I am trying to branch out (ha.) Into other species! I'm most knowledgeable about plants though :)

• Robotics kid (watch out)

• we have a bunch of mental disorders and a couple physical disabilities too. We often don't have the energy to do stuff and we can be pretty irritable. If this bothers you, don't follow.

• we use we/us and i/me interchangeably

• If you make me uncomfortable or angry I will likely block without warning, even if you're not in the dni or thin ice lists.

• * a proship to me is defined as a ship that includes and embraces illegal or morally awful themes. This includes but is not limited to minor/adult, human/animal, or attacker/victim. If you ship any of these things, I consider you a proshipper. Otherwise, I don't give a darn - have fun with your kismesis

• I'm anti-harassment and anti-censorship, so I don't really give a darn, and this also does not apply to kinks. "darkships" don't count either. If I don't like it, I'll just block and ignore, and I encourage you to do the same.

• This doesn't apply to radqueer shit and harmful paraphilias, especially if you're pro-contact. I'll still b+i, but you best believe I'm reporting your ass.

• i post about discourse. Not syscourse anymore though it's just tiring (feel free to send me hate mail though, i guess). I'm pro endo.

• I sometimes joke about my disabilities. Sorry if that makes you uncomfortable

• I often write in enderspeak! Translations will be provided upon request. ⟒⋏⎅⟒⍀☍⟟⋏ ⌿⌰⟒⏃⌇⟒ ⟟⋏⏁⟒⍀⏃☊⏁!

• I also speak warden (thanks dear) and I'm learning toki pona (thanks Q) :)

• Kin of a bunch of stuff; most prominently:

Cat therian (red longhair tabby with low white spotting)

Enderman kin

Robot/techkin

Plushkin

Fictkin (Mind CJ, Leafy BFDI, Balloon and Suitcase II)

• PROUDLY KITTYPET 🌈❤️❤️🔥🔥🔥

• I'm only half kidding when I say if you send me anything fireafy related I will kill you

• itrdeafy is fun though I like. Thumbs up emoji

• I will change this as I see fit

• dm me or hit me up through an ask if you have any fic recommendations!! (yes I have read fear garden, it's my favourite book ever)

My alt accounts

@npdleafy (my evil alt)

@leafyztar (Leafy roleplay blog)

@usually4leaf (you know)

@little-droplet-td (td blog)

@leafy-plush (leafyplush blog)

Tags

#miscellaneous - text posts

#ask - asks; always cross-posted with miscellaneous, so if you want to look for just text posts, you're outta luck.

#my art - my art

#Pyrite's jashtober - I made my own jashtober. Go look at it. It's very incomplete but whatever I'll probably finish it soon

#bald objects - I edit osc characters to remove notable features, making them "bald." I have lost friends for this

#Saturn's hall of fame - my best sellers

#fave - other people's best sellers

#ultra fave - the best of the best

#Insane ramblings - Chonny Jash stuff. I am very unnormal about them. Mostly jashipping stuff

#ocpilled - osc ocs, mainly Lock and Twisty

#ocmaxxing - ninjago ocs, mainly Katelain and Jillian

#ocigma - any other original characters

#wowie that's me - my sona, lemon :3

#fagposting - Leafy bfdi❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ and Evil Leafy too I guess

#the fanny theory - yknow the deal

My fanfic comic can be found here; "Favourite Student," a series of oneshots about Leafy in the EXIT

My kinlist can be found here; be aware of these when talking to me, as the things I say may be influenced by the connections I have made with these characters

My headcanons can be found here and here, in case you get confused during a roleplay or conversation (or if you just wanna look at them for fun)

Evolekaf - Yoylecake Michael

[jeneseoquoi]

saw this thing on twitter saying 127 are all the type to get in a fight for u but who do u think actually would fight??? like i cant see alllllll of them fighting lol

LMAO i'm laughing bc i saw this exact same thing on twitter too. it was hilarious seeing everyone's opinions. here's mine:

nct 127 | reacting to you in a fight

taeil: he is absolutely not jumping in at any point in time. will make sure nobody tries to sneak you though. snatches anybody's phone who tries to record it. tells you you won even if you both know they two pieced you up. laughs every time when it randomly pops into his head weeks/months/years later.

johnny: his big ass. he will definitely laugh while recording if you're really tossing that ho like a salad. if you start losing or the other person's friends try to jump you, he's immediately intervening to stop the fight. lines everyone who witnessed it up and makes them delete any incriminating evidence off their phones.

taeyong: is BEGGING you to stop fighting. once he realizes it's dead serious and you're not going down without a fight, he just steps back to watch and make sure nobody around is being sneaky. (saw someone on twitter say he would post the other person's weave that he snatched up the next day and i absolutely stand by the person who said this lmaooooo.)

yuta: MY DAWG IS 100% IN THE MIDDLE WRECKING HOS FOR YOU. like the minute he senses you're about to get in a fight, he's already there throwing bows left and right. let a trifling bitch pull your hair, he's immediately got them in a chokehold talking about some "i'll let go when you let go." lays out anybody who ever tries to step to you again. this is my rider frfr.

doyoung: is so embarrassed omg. yelling at you to remember his image in hopes of getting you to come to your senses and stop fighting. actively running around the crowd taking peoples' phones so they can't record. soooo mad at you after the fight is over, but still makes sure to take care of you and any wounds you suffered.

jaehyun: anyone who decides to be with this man has to have hands like. he is genuinely confused as to what's happening, but trusts that you can handle your own so he just watches in amusement. lies and tells you it's just a little scratch & that you still look pretty afterwards, even though your shit is BUSTED. at least you won though.

jungwoo: is screaming, crying, and throwing up. like normally you're his soft, sweet baby, so who the fuck is this?!?!? in tears the entire time it's happening, like he can't even comprehend what led up to the fight in the first place. on his knees, BEGS you to never ever get into another fight ever again. he is genuinely traumatized, like he never sees you the same way again lmao.

mark: cursing everybody in that mf out. "the fuck is your problem bro"-ing everyone involved. only hops in when he sees you starting to lose. in turn starts getting his ass beat, which gives you the advantage to start molly whopping hos so you can save your man. will forever remind you of the time he got his shit rocked just so you wouldn't lose a fight. don't ever let him go hahaha.

haechan: honestly, probably the reason you're in a fight in the first place. like he was the one talking mad shit in the first place, but you know he don't got hands at all, so now here you are fighting his battle. keeps taunting the other person & the people on their side like "yeah that's right, mess with me and my girl will smack you up." you promise yourself that when you're done whooping their ass, that he's next.

[bonesandthebees]

I'm looking for a DSMP fic but I can't remember the name and I can't find it, and I'm not sure if it's just because I'm bad at finding fics or if it got got during the recent fic purges T^T. If you or anyone knows or has a link to that one Tommyinnit foster fic where Tommy is a many times over reincarnation and an old historical figure who gets assigned a Greek myth every reincarnation and dies when he can't guess it and this time he's a foster kid in Snowchester and like foster family and mythology shit happens then please lmk 😭

okay the fact that I got this ask and then a few hours later got another ask from someone asking for me to help them find a different fic is confusing me. why am I suddenly a fanfic library help service?? like I'm not mad I'm just confused why you guys think I would know. yeah I've written a lot of dsmp fic but I don't want at the library man I'm just an author in it 😭

so basically what I'm saying is, to everyone on this blog, please do not make this a regular thing I am literally not going to be helpful bc I write fic way more than I read it

however. all that aside. I actually do know this one.

the fic you're looking for is His Curse of Binding by bari_astralis. the fic is orphaned, but that wasn't on purpose. bari's ao3 account got accidentally deleted or something a while back and all the fics under that account name got orphaned as a result 😭😭

[i-want-my-iwtv]

I will be delusional as I want BUT I'll pretend that tom cruise going back to Warner Bros means we'll finally get the deleted scenes from the iwtv please please manifesting

🙏🙏🙏 Anon, embrace being delusional! I wish! If anyone's connected with Warner Bros please please tell them we want the deleted scenes!

Anyway since we're on the topic... over the years I've talked about wanting the cut scenes, and I wanted to reflect for a moment on why we want them. I think we want them because, like a delicious cake, once it's all consumed, we still look at the serving plate, hoping we can still lick the icing off the knife, or maybe the baker has some leftover cake back in the kitchen?? Or maybe they can tell us that the secret ingredient to intensifying the chocolate is ESPRESSO... We just want another taste so badly! We want to know the secret ingredients that set it apart from other cakes. And some filmmakers know that, and sometimes they're happy to share the cut scenes on a DVD release, maybe with commentary as to why the scenes were cut, like:

"Here's a scene were Louis kills a priest and ultimately we had an overall run time limit of 2 hours, but it was otherwise a perfectly good scene."

"Here's part of a set of scenes we shot early on where Lestat shows mortal Louis what killing entails, and although we loved it, we ended up improving the Lestat makeup & hair a few weeks later, and for the sake of continuity we had to cut it bc we couldn't go back to that location to reshoot, or it would have taken too much time to fix in post, etc."

Giving over the cut scenes is a little like an artist showing the scrapped versions of a painting composition, and that's fine when the creator wants to invite the viewers into their artistic process, but I think the IWTV filmmakers at the time (and for years after) really wanted the '94 movie to be serious* to the point that releasing cut scenes could have undermined their overall vision... maybe they simply didn't want to invite the audience into their creative process.

(*Serious, BUT there was certainly plenty of beauty, charm, dark humor, intimacy, desire, so much more! Maybe the filmmakers cut scenes that THEY felt didn't mesh well with the overall story they wanted to tell, like putting together an outfit and choosing accessories that go better rather than others... you know?)

WITH THAT SAID... What cut scenes would you have liked to see? That's what fanfic and fanart are for, so tell us and maybe someone will be inspired to create it for all of us 💝

IF Tom was still part of VC at all... one of my personal fantasy casting ideas was to have Tom play the Marquis in TVL, and now he's really old enough to do it! 😅 Can you imagine?? Tom playing his own horrible father! Cast younger actors to play kid!Lestat, teen!Lestat, etc.?? Tom!Marquis showing obvious preference for his two older brothers and being horrible to Gabrielle... it could be amazing.

Obviously it wouldn't be adorable like this but... I've always loved Tom Cruise characters when he interacts with kids and teens, he's always seemed very in touch with his inner child, even when that inner child is more of a 12 yo brat. Whole novels could be written on his layered performances with child and teen actors, but for now, just a few thoughts...

^From Jerry Maguire. I can't quite articulate why this was so compelling... iirc, maybe because his character is really frustrated/demoralized in this scene, and there's something comforting about a kid naively telling you that "the human head weighs 8 pounds," as if to say, "Your problems are not really as big a deal as you think they are; live in the present moment." And Tom in this character seems to absorb that deeper meaning and it gives him some relief, it's a step towards his character's growth.

When Tom played Ray in War of the Worlds, he had a teenage son, and there was a heartbreaking scene where Ray had to choose between protecting his son or his daughter. From That Moment In:

Desperate to keep his family together, Ray is forced to leave the terrified Rachel alone for a moment as he puts his weight on Robbie and forces him to the ground as the air around them lights up with smoke and tracer fire. Meanwhile, another couple, fleeing the madness, sees Rachel standing by herself and attempt to rescue her, not knowing that her father is nearby. Looking back, Ray sees this and becomes torn between his children, not wanting to lose either but forced to choose. Robbie assures his father that this is what he wants, “I want to see this,” and to please let him go, which Ray finally, achingly, submits to, seeing that Rachel is being whisked away. Father and son say goodbye as Robbie runs over the crest and Ray rushes down to get his daughter as a hellfire of explosion overtake the hills, giving us the impression Robbie has met his end.

I just love the idea of Tom playing the very character that had caused so much pain for Lestat, that Lestat was always on defense from that man, looooong after he died. Despite all the torment the Marquis inflicted on Lestat, Lestat still gave him a comfortable place to live out his last few years, the roles pretty much reversed as happens with aging parents, Lestat actually nurturing this man (not always in the kindest way but still!) in his feeble old age... and couldn't bring himself to even kill him out of mercy.

Nature & Nurture, Lestat was damaged by his father genetically and emotionally in his formative years, and so much of Lestat's bravado and verbal attacks seem to be a shield for the awful feelings of growing up unloved, unwanted, and beaten for expressing his own desires. So much so that even in canon he often expresses the intensity of his desires far more eloquently and frequently in the narration than he's able to do verbally, even with the characters he cherishes the most. Because to express his love exposed himself to losing it.

Tom could for sure pull off a performance that would capture the Marquis, because he essentially played Lestat with the qualities of a victim perpetuating some of the abuse he suffered from the man who was supposed to be (and was!) his role model for becoming the man he became. 😭

[ambrosiagourmet]

Feel free to ignore this, but I love reading your analysis and was wondering how you start analyzing things? I try to do it myself but I always feel so unconfident in my interpretations and feel scared about posting about them and them being “wrong.”

Just curious to see how you approach your analysis and meta! Have a lovely day!

Ooh, what a good question! I'm happy to share a little, sure.

Under the cut bc it got long hehe 😅

So my first (and probably the most important) response to this is: it's hard to feel 100% sure that you are totally "correct" about this stuff.

There are always going to be other ways to interpret things. There are things you miss, or perspectives you don't consider. There will always be people who disagree. And even if you are as accurate and totally convincing as humanly possible, there always going to be different types of analysis that you can't cover all at the same time!

I think, especially when it comes to like, doing casual analysis for something you love, it really helps to just follow your passion. It's fine to speak confidently about an interpretation that you find compelling, even if you haven't considered every possible angle of how it could be wrong. It's about what speaks to you, after all.

For instance, the conflict-avoidant Falin post (which is currently the analysis post of mine with the most notes) was largely born from an interpretation of Falin that really resonated with me, based on a couple of points I remembered strongly from reading the story. It's definitely not the only way to look at Falin, and I don't think it's like the universally correct interpretation of her character. But it is the interpretation that got ME interested in talking about her, and in turn, resonated with other people, too!

I have plenty of anxiety about this stuff, so I won't pretend that it's just easy to turn off that "what if I'm wrong, though" part of your brain, but I will say it doesn't hurt to try to start writing. You can always draft a post and come back to it, or delete/private it, or reblog it later to add more context or nuance. You aren't shackled to your opinion forever, much as the internet (and anxiety) can make it feel that way.

As to where to actually start with analysis... for me, it's almost always either a detail, a question, or both.

Here's an example of an Idea In Progress I've been thinking about.

While I was grabbing screenshots from the Nightmare chapter, I noticed that Marcille's hairstyle there is similar to one of the chapter covers I'd also just looked at:

So like, that's interesting to me! Especially since the cover was from the chapter where Marcille makes her deal with the Winged Lion. So then I can start to ask like... what does it mean that there's this similarity? I could tie it in to the way I think the Lion kind of infantilizes her, talk about what influence the Nightmare chapter might have had on Marcilles decision. Alternatively, I could ask, are there any other similar times Marcille wears this hairstyle? Any other hairstyles that are repeated at key times?

Any of which could lead to some fun analysis! Alternatively, it can also just be fun to post about the detail without the analysis. Just be like, "hey, look at this weird thing." Other people might chime in with ideas about it, or maybe it will sparks something for you later! Either way, you'll have an easy reference saved for reference. Even if deeper analysis doesn't come, it's still fun to have pointed out. Details and connections are just. They are just great. And Dunmeshi especially has SO much to dig into.

(Oh, also, quick aside here: ignore anyone who tells you the details don't matter and weren't intentional. It fully does not matter. If drawing a connection helps you realize a new meaning in the story - if it inspires and motivates you - it's worth investigating.)

Anyway, the Adventurer's Bible is also a great place to find details to jump off of. The timelines and little blurbs highlight important events or facts about the characters, and you can then go fishing for other times those things come up or are referenced in the story.

In terms of starting from a question, it can also be fun just to spend a little time with something you don't feel like you totally got. I had a great time doing that with the succubus chapter, for instance. If there's a scene you find yourself kind of skimming over because its not clicking for you... go back and try and examine it! Even if it's just a small thing - an expression you missed or a panel with a funny little joke - it can be just as rewarding to try and pay attention to the parts of the story you don't understand as it is to dig into the parts you do.

~

Really, in a lot of ways, I like to use analysis as an excuse to just spend time with a story I care about. It's a way to savor it! And if you can write up those thoughts and ideas, you can share them with others, which can be even better. A dish doesn't have to be perfectly cooked to delicious, after all. Go, with Senshi's blessing, and make good food.

And of course, as with all things creative, never forget about Two Cakes:

[geneticallymodifiedidiot]

funny stupid sad angry post

uh so the poll said yes

so here goes? i've got no idea how to do this

tw: vent, self-sabotage, sh/cutting, eating disorder(?)/calorie counting, suicide ideation

please for the love of god if any of these trigger you in any way don't read this through. i'm not worth making your triggers worse. don't do that to yourself.

this is a really long fucking post. we'll see if i end up deleting it. if people just tell me that my problems aren't that bad (which is totally possible) then i'll delete it. no harm done.

let the brain dump begin

why am i doing this? it's not like i'd let myself accept help if anyone decided to try

uh idk it feels like i'm not doing enough

i'm not good enough for my friends, my school performance isn't good enough, i'm not doing enough to help other in general, i'm not doing enough to maintain relationships with my family and other people close to me, my "skills" aren't good enough, my problem aren't good enough to be considered problems, a lot of stuff like that

like the friend thing is like i feel like my friends are way better at being supportive and helping each other than i am, i'm trying my best but i can't seem to do enough because we're all just sad and i feel like i can't help

i constantly want to tell my friends "hey, you guys know that if i'm not a good enough friend, you can leave/stop being my friend and i won't get mad, right?" but i don't because i'm worried they actually might.

i went on a really long trip overseas this past summer and spent some time with family and i feel like i was a terrible person the whole time because my egg had cracked like a solid two weeks beforehand and i hated the idea of having to exist as two people at once bc my family has not exactly presented themselves as the most trans-friendly people but they also haven't made it so it's obviously a bad idea to come out to them. just a collection of offhand comments and unclear/lack of messaging around trans people has made it so i feel like it would be a bad idea, but if i'm wrong, then these people deserve better from me and not for me to hide myself from them.

the most unclear part of this for me is my mom, because like she's not the best but it's not obvious to me if she's actually bad. like i've seen a lot of things especially on this site about how trauma and abuse are overused terms but i don't know what qualifies. whenever i see examples i seem to fall in a middle ground between them. like it's mostly mental. she doesn't hit me (although idk i feel like i might remember some stuff from very long ago and there's one major event that i'm not going to get into) but there's just some things. like when i tried to come out as aroace, she never explicitly rejected that, but she also didn't... say anything. both times. and also when i first told her that i thought i might have adhd, she said something along the lines of "oh yeah, when you were young the doctor said you had some adhd tendencies, but we're not going to get you diagnosed because i don't want you to use it as an excuse." which, i guess, but something doesn't seem right about that.

but she's not explicitly terrible either, like i have stuff. she lets me leave the house pretty often. she's not super uptight about grades as long as i don't miss assignments. idk, it's super confusing. it's not entirely her fault either, she's an immigrant and english is her second language. there's a big age gap between us (40 years) its probably hard for her to raise a child, especially one as horrifically difficult to deal with as me. one time she said she hated me, but she apologized later and said she misspoke. which is fair i guess, she was under stress at the time. if i was her, id probably hate me too. idk i feel bad for saying i miss my dad (he died 5 years ago) my mom's trying her best and she got the bad luck of getting a child that is much more difficult than she bargained for. god im a terrible child lol.

oh, on the adhd thing- i feel like i exhibit symptoms for adhd pretty recognizably (although im not diagnosed, so its technically possible that i don't and i just need to try a little bit harder) but also i feel like i exhibit some signs of autism. but again. what. the heck. qualifies. i don't like drums (especially snare drums, which are RIGHT BEHIND ME IN BAND WHY-) and im bad with convoluted noise in general. but also like, i don't exhibit this all the time. sometimes i won't even notice drums all that much. sometimes i realize lights are way too bright like five minutes after being around them. i get hyperfixations, but im pretty sure that could just be the adhd thing. im bad at talking to people but again, i could just be bad. i scored 150 on the RAADS-R test, but that's not a diagnosis. idk. hah.

i'm outright just a negative person to be around, i can't think of a single person that is better off because i'm in their life. they either have to deal with all of my problems or i just end up not talking to them as much as a good friend should.

also i feel like my "skills" are really bad to the point that i can barely call them skills. in band, on my first instrument (euphonium) i'm first chair in the symphonic/advanced/audition band (somehow) but there's this one interval in a solo that i cannot nail down. and its annoying. in marching band its even worse, im on sousaphone which some would say is the most important instrument, but the director tells us to play louder all the freaking time (there's only 7 sousaphones and the band is like 200 people). my rank tells me im playing well but like. aaa. i could be playing better. last years rank leader was so ridiculously loud and i don't think i can match him.

other "skill" is cooking. some people might have seen the attempt at bread that i made. and the interior is just a mass of gluten. like. come on, i can do better than that. and then i also made like a chili dish to go with the bread, and the recipe called for too many beans. i should've recognized it, but no. there are too many beans. im annoyed. my mom doesn't like to eat beans that much so i feel like i failed her too. which, lovely.

ehhhh yeah i can talk about dysphoria here too. why not. idk one thing that made me spiral a bit was one of the people im not out to in marching band said "deadname you should get a buzz cut again it looked good" (i had a buzz cut for much of my childhood because long hair felt too hot) and fucking- i look better with a buzz cut than with long hair?! fucking murder me! oh my god! should i even transition as an adult at this point, i'd probably look even worse than i do now! am i just goddamn destined to be unhappy with my appearance?! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

ok tw for sh for this next part

so all this manifested in a cutting habit (yippee) which is. mildly terrifying. but also i feel like this problem is also inferior because they aren't all that deep. like i see things about sh support that are like "here's how you know you hit an artery" and im like well. that's not been a problem insofar. maybe im being dramatic about this.

i don't even know why i do it. i don't feel particularly better when i do it. i guess i could be like adrenaline doping but that's not that big of a thing. it doesn't make me like special or worse than other people, cutting isn't that uncommon from what i've seen. 52% of trans girls reported self-injury over the past year (per the trevor project)

the annoying this is even when i see a way out i don't take it. when i first started i was using a partially rusted razor which i completely recognized as dangerous but like. i have my shots (thanks mom.) so that happened for a while until the rust got to the point where the blade was dull. yeah, that's the reason i stopped using a rusty knife: not because of the rust and the tetanus risk, but because the blade was getting dull. that's fucking pathetic.

so instead of stopping like a normal fucking person i (still cannot believe i did this) went on amazon and bought a $10 pocketknife. and now that's just on my person. i could've stopped, i had an out, but i spent money on a different knife. s t u p i d.

tw suicide ideation

oh, something else horrifying? the thoughts i had regarding sh like... two months prior to starting are. shockingly similar to the thoughts i have regarding suicide. (i don't think i'm going to commit suicide, that's a bit more commitment that a few scars on my forearm and thighs). but i mean like, i like to sleep. maybe this wouldn't be too different. people wouldn't have to worry about me anymore.

and don't tell me i "matter," i'm perfectly aware of the 143.8lbs of matter i take up in this universe i take up and how much of a waste it is. possible eating disorder tw for the next part.

okay like. im weird with food. what the hell counts as an eating disorder. im not underweight, (i know this is not an end-all be-all by any stretch of a hyperflexible imagination, but my bmi's 19.0. that's technically in the healthy range). i'm skinnier than i was 18 months ago. but like. i'm not wasting away. i just have a calorie-counting habit that is. annoying. along with a general fear of gaining weight. sometimes i'll eat what i feel is too much and i have an urge to make myself vomit (i've never done that before, but i have a general idea) but the thing that stops me is the vivid image of my esophagus dissolving. which i guess is good.

why? i don't know. that's a theme here, isn't it. i don't know why im the stupid ridiculous way that i am, which probably means im bullshitting everything. but i don't know. it's like all my issues are on the borderline of "okay you need actual help" and "eh, you'll probably be fine. just push through it." which again probably suggests that im actually fine and being ridiculous about everything. i'm not the only person in this world who has dysphoria. im not the only person whos unsure about coming out to their family. im not the only person who engages in self-injury. im not the only person who has suicidative thoughts from time to time. i have what most people would call a good life. im physically able-bodied, lean, fit into the school system, have a parent, i live near a school, and im not under threat of dying by someone else's hand. these are all advantages that tons of people probably wish they had. why do i complain so much. im so ready for this post to get a response of "this is nothing, just deal with it. good god." and that's fair.

idk, i guess im tired. im tired of avoiding the mirror constantly, tired of keeping a running track of the amount of energy ive consumed in the past 24 hours, tired of doing the same thing each day with no real end in sight, tired of feeling like i need to push myself harder, tired of seeing an arm covered in scars when i reach over myself to turn off the light each night when i go to sleep, tired of going to sleep and sometimes wishing i wouldn't wake up.

do i even deserve anything. do i deserve friends. do i deserve to be happy. do i deserve to get the things i want. do i deserve a good life. do i deserve to transition if i want to. do i deserve help. do i deserve to take up societies resources, whether that be food, water, medical care, or therapy.

do i deserve to live?

if you read this far, uh. im sorry. this probably took a long time that could be better dedicated to something more important than a random teenager on the internet. but here we are.

if you want to say something 1. probably don't. my brain has found a way to basically not let me accept help but if you want to try, that's your prerogative. 2. if you want to say something but don't know what to say, that's fine. i know the feeling and what the hell do you say to whatever this post is anyway.

[golbrocklovely]

Am I the only one who wonders what happened between all of them for Katelyn to act like that?? Like her posts on TikTok or the insta pic incident

you're definitely not the only one, anon lol

i have a theory of what occurred but no full proof of what went down. this is just my MAJOR assumptions.

i've definitely stated this before too, but i'll just repeat myself since i feel like my opinion has changed slightly.

before anyone possibly reading this gets on my case, i don't agree with how katelyn has gone about doing things, but if i'm even slightly correct, i can't say i'm surprised at her pettiness lol

it seems to me that everything between the four of them was good up until like may/june-ish. april, they were good bc that's when they all went to coachella and had fun there. hell, even a bit before coachella sam was making jokes about them getting married on one her tiktoks. but by may… things are getting just a twinge iffy. bc in may, that is when snc are going to farrar to look at it for the first time/purchase it. who comes along with them? malia. but katelyn didn't come. now granted, she apparently was moving or doing something like that around that time, but it is interesting that malia went with them without katelyn, or at least was invited along. it is a bit odd, especially when while snc are there, malia is taking pics in merch and colby's posting it to his story (and the merch in question was the "ugh why can't my boyfriend hunt ghosts" one).

but then by june, that's when they have their meet and greet. and obviously katelyn is there to support and give out stuff to fans. so things seem okay again. and around this time, he removed a bunch of posts of him with kat and the core four that had been up still, so a lot of ppl thought he was gonna finally hard launch katelyn as his gf.

then the last time we see them all hanging out is on july 4th. they all go out on a double date, post a tiktok or two, seems fine. he even posted a video laying outside with her. but then, fast forward to july 17ish, that is when she posts on her tiktok story that she is going to see pythian priestess bc things have been really weird in her life recently and she just needs a reading. so… needless to say that by that point they either a, broke up or b, were about to. by july 23, snc are in iowa filming farrar.

then by august 14ish, sam is seen out with a girl - going to watch a sunset in venice beach. the literal same day that happens, katelyn and him unfollow each other. the next day is when she posts the pic of him and her kissing with the caption "felt cute might delete later", and all of that shit goes down.

i'll try to say this as delicately as i can bc of course i could be wrong (and honestly i hope i am) - i think sam checked out of the relationship long before they broke up in july. bc when he was trying to calm the waters and did that q&a, he claimed that he had been single "for a bit now" and in his comment said that he and katelyn "broke up a while ago" when AT MOST it had been a month since they broke up. so to me, that reads as he had already left the relationship long before they ended things. and on top of that, all of the filming of hell week was after they broke up. so that means broken up sam was in the farrar vids, and to me he doesn't exactly look like someone that's upset about a relationship he had been in for almost a year ending.

or maybe he's a good actor lol

and i feel like this also lends into a pattern with him: he breaks up with said person after being clocked out of the relationship for a while, and then immediately leaves so he doesn't have to deal with the fallout. he did something similar when him and kat broke up - they broke up in late march (which he lied about in his marathon video bc there is literal proof and him, kat, and everybody hanging out and being besties on like march 25th so unless they were just pretending on camera to be fine but off screen weren't… he either lied or forgot when they broke up) and then he immediately left to go do filming somewhere (i don't remember what they filmed, but i know him and colby left around that time). even kat left to go be with family for a while. and he's now done the same thing with katelyn - broke up and left to go film.

sam himself has said before that he is terrified to grow up, that he's not ready to or that it's his biggest fear. the thing is, and while i never said it back then, he was never gonna marry kat. it was extremely apparent to those that weren't invested in their relationship. bc i think to him, marriage is the end of his youth. marriage means he has to grow up, be a man, and stop fucking around and have his shit together. and i think that scares him. and look, there's nothing wrong with being scared to grow up. there's nothing wrong with being worried about the future. i'm not saying he can't be fearful. what i am saying is you can't string ppl along bc you can't get it together. i mean, he outright said in a livestream recently that he hasn't been single since 8th grade……… that every year since then he has had a gf. that man is TERRIFIED to be alone. and so he jumps into relationships, but never grows up.

not only that, but he's unhappy with himself, for some reason. and i think he thinks he can't change or grow while in a relationship so he stays stagnant, and then by the end he realizes he's unhappy and instead of maybe pressing pause on the relationship or trying to grow while in it, he pretends he's happy, becomes extremely unhappy, and then drop kicks the girl. bc now we have two instances of him coming out a relationship saying he's the best version of himself, that he feels so good and free, but cut to a couple months later, he's back to saying he was in the worst time of his life.

and look, none of this is to say that katelyn did absolutely nothing wrong. i'm sure she was weird in her own way. i mean hell, she was in gcs with fans after their breakup trying to defend herself. that's weird. no buts about it. and she did do some odd things during their relationship too, and since the break up has been petty on and off again. but so has sam. in a weird way, they were kinda perfect for each other lol

i don't think there was just one singular thing that transpired to cause the falling out of snc and malia with katelyn. but i think the break up definitely made it easier for them to all shun her. and i think that's why she's retaliated the way she has - with tiktoks and pics and shit like that. i don't blame the girl, but i also don't think she's chosen the right path to go down either.

it's all just... very messy.

[yan-lorkai]

Tips for someone who wants to start their writing blog? 👉👈

Helllllllllllo darling! (⁠｡⁠･⁠ω⁠･⁠｡⁠)⁠ﾉ~

-- First of all:

Sometimes you're going to write a lot and sometimes you won't even want to open your drafts because you'll be tired from it. And that's ok, always know your pace or else you're going overwhelm yourself wanting to write everything. Also don't ever delete your drafts, yes, even the ones you don't want to write anymore. Ideas and concepts can be reused later!

-- Grammar!

I'm not yet fluent in english so sometimes I write with the dictionary open in another tab lol, thing is this is very important. To better your grammar you can practice writing drabble and prompts, you don't even have to post it if you don't like it. I also recommend to read a lot as reading works to inspire you and to analyse how different every writer writes. Like, I love writing dialogues so sometimes I have a hard time writing descriptions bcs I can't focus on them. When this happens I just skip it and put a () for when I'm proofreading to edit it.

Though commiting little errors are common and totally fine, darling! You're allowed to commit them. Don't ever "omg, there's so many typos on my fics people must hate them and me" or smth, is normal to make typos actually :)

-- Rules

It's your blog, darling. You have the final say on every matter. Don't ever feel pressured to write something just because people ask you to. Though be prepared because sometimes people won't read it so you have to be patient. Put the rules on somewhere visible, change their color, PUT THEM ON ALL CAPS!

Be very specific. Like, what fandoms do you write for? How many characters can people send in? What are you comfortable writing and what are you willing to try? Is there something that you won't tolerate being sent in your inbox? Things like that!

-- Ramble, share, talk

Let us hear what you have to say. Your ideas, even if they seem silly to you, are very interesting to the audience. Also let your followers to connect and interact with you <- I say this as if I wasn't so shy and awkard that eveytime I want to share sometimes I'm hit with ah well nobody will care anyway. This is the devil speaking, do not the same I do, darling!

-- Aesthetic and tags

I like this part hehe. As I said, this is your blog darling. It's almost like your second home. And people like their home being pretty and comfy. So try making your blog look like that! Choose an aesthetic, a character or something that speaks to you. And don't be afraid to change.

Also about tags. Everyone has its own. Tag everything: fics, characters, fandoms! They're so important, darling, you can search for them on your blog later and a tagged fic has a higher chance of showing up in the main feed. Besides it'll be easier for people to navigate through your blog (also make a masterlist, yes, even if it's a hassle to maintain it).

-- Don't be afraid

Writing is hard, is true. Motivation can come and go, sometimes time won't allign it with your want to write, y'know just mundane things. If you have writer block then don't force yourself to write, you won't like it what you read when you're done and if you feel afraid to write something new then do it afraid. Do it afraid even if it's bad, do it afraid because otherwise you won't do it. Though if is something you don't know about then please search about it and talk with other people.

-- Have fun

The whole purpose of writing is to have fun. Do not anyone spoil your fun, babe. Have fun, laugh and cry writing, make friends along the way. If a story is loved by its writer then certainly everyone will feel it and love it just as much as love! :)

Hope this all helps. If you still have any questions then ask away and I'II try my best answering it!

[ariicandy]

typing the beginning AGAIN. Time to yap abt my theories (WITHOUT deleting them. I had it worded so perfectly and now I feel like in forgetting important things 😭😭)

SO there's this character called the “Dreammaster” (assuming they're different from the “Watchmaker”), to which Acheron KNEW they were the Dreammaster. They claim to be able to control (more like the Oak Family are their “eyes, ears and mouth”) the “Oak Family Offspring” (is how they worded it). This proven by how the people are crowded around Acheron. If I remember right too, Robin and Sunday are from the Oak Family so have they been the Dreammasters “eyes, ears and mouth” but when? Is the Dreammaster with them 24/7??

The Dreammaster also talks abt how they “exile evil from the haven in their head” (shown in screenshot) and I thought at first that they meant Acheron, because while she's not apart of the Oak Family, she's in the Penacony Dreamscape. She's asked (forced, and chose) to leave because she “knows too much” I think they said. Is the Penacony Dreamscape the Dreammasters head? But then, later on, the Pepeshi shown here is seen in the other Dreamscape we now know (it's a new one, can't remember what it's called)

Before we meet the Pepeshi tho (he's talking with March), we meet Misha and Clockie again and it's said that “Death” (or “Sleepie” as Misha calls it) has “started ferrying people back and forth between the two Dreamscapes.” Why was the Pepeshi so stressed though? What happened?? Was he exiled from the Dreammasters head????

I had ORIGINALLY thought that the Dreammaster “exiled” the people from his head via “Death” (kinda proven by the Pepeshi showing up in this Dreamscape where Robin and Firefly also showed up after “Death” got them), but Sleepie (“Death”) is depicted essentially as a dog Gallagher takes care of (surprise Gallagher mention!!) by Misha and isn't a threat, and it's well behaved but is just a bit aggressive. I'm still on the fence abt this idea bc of that, but it think it MIGHT be plausible (take all of the things I'm saying with a grain of salt I'm normally not very good with theories, hence why I never tell anyone 😭😭)

I have a LOT more thoughts honestly but this is the biggest one as of now. If you're GENUINELY interested in more of my theory yapping Arii I'll keep talking abt this stuff with you <33 (just keep in mind that, again, my theories are almost never right 😭😭 and I feel like I had more thoughts to this but this is the whole gist of it.) This is definitely the longest ask I've ever written PLS. Ask me if you have any questions abt this tho and I'll answer my thoughts on them :33 I ALSO TRIED TO PROOFREAD BUT If THERE ARE ANY TYPOS I'M SORRY

I love complex stories EVEN THO I DONT FULLY UNDERSTAND I DO GET WHAT U ARE TRYNA SAY DW J LOVE THEORIES THEY SHOW THE CREATIVE OF THE BRAIN

[helianskies]

Office parties suck, please? I suffered through one last night, need someone else to do it as well. If you can have Spain or England or both in the story I'll be happy.

hi anon! i hope you have recovered from your endeavour - please have a cookie for bravery 🍪 - and pls enjoy this bc well,, suffering is temporary. Arthur is about to learn that :) (also shame on me for making this engspa but anon honey you did ask for one or both idiots and this is an engspa addiction zone i can't be stopped >:'v)

Mull

Office parties suck. There is no debate to be had on the matter, and Arthur knows his mind is not going to be changed by attending this year’s party. 

Last year, he’d been roped into it—bribed with free drinks and the potential to schmooze for a promotion he ended up losing to Greg of all people—and by the time he got home, the holiday spirit had been drained out of him like mulled wine from the keg. 

So this year, he is adamant. He is not going to the damn office party, no matter what!

…until, that is, a certain someone comes over to his desk in the morning as he’s buried in his emails, and catches him with his guard down.

“Are you coming along this evening?” someone asks.

Arthur hums to acknowledge there’s been an interaction, but his eyes are trying to make sense of the words he’s reading. Seriously, does he need to be in this email chain? He could do without the nonsense and plain stupidity, especially on a Friday!

“It’s my first since working here,” the other goes on, a muffle in his mind. “I hope it’s good…”

“It’ll be fine,” Arthur mumbles. His eyes are still on his screen. His brain is still deciphering paragraph-long sentences. 

“I was wondering, though… If you aren’t going with anyone else, would you… consider going with me? Just so I’m not the, uh, the weirdo going in alone, haha…”

His finger clicks the mouse, deleting the email. 

“Yeah, sure.”

“R— Really?”

Another three emails have since appeared in his inbox. Arthur wants to cry. 

“Mmh…”

“Wow… Thanks, Arthur!”

And at long last, he looks away from his computer, unsure what it is he’s being thanked for, only to find Antonio smiling at him. Antonio, one of few ‘friends’ in the office he has. Antonio, who’s been there for only about six months yet is universally adored. Antonio, who, at least in private, is probably adored by no one as much as he is adored by Arthur, who, as he continues to look at the other, realises what he has just done. 

He can’t even be mad about it. 

He can’t say ‘no’ now, because it would likely upset Antonio.

He can’t do anything, in fact, other than smile back at him and ask, “Shall I meet you there?” 

“I can pick you up,” Antonio offers, as his heart screams. “You aren’t far from me.”

And that is what happens, then, later that evening after the work day is over, the office is closed, and Arthur has had a chance to freshen himself up. 

He still can’t believe he’s doing this. He can’t believe, firstly, that he is going to the damn Christmas party again, but he also can’t believe that he’s that useless a human being he hasn’t even had the decency to tell Antonio since his unwitting agreement that, actually, he doesn’t want to go! He could have made an excuse! Something like, the cat’s ill, got to run to the vet, or maybe, suit shrunk in the wash and I don’t think going naked is wise so I’m out!

But no! He’s bottled it! And now he’s there, standing in a not-that-warm venue, dying over making small talk about his uneventful holidays-to-come, and longing for his bed. 

Somewhat luckily for him, after a few moments of further lamenting, his saviour appears with another glass of hot wine (it’s all the company thought to provide other than prosecco, and he just isn’t a bubbles man!). 

“Here,” Antonio says, passing over a glass. He stands next to Arthur as the blond takes a sip and savours the warmth it provides.

“Thanks,” Arthur replies.

“No worries,” Antonio nods. “I think it’s the least I can do for you, after dragging you out here. I’m starting to regret my choices…”

The Brit just can’t help but snort, humoured. “Office parties suck,” he remarks, to which Antonio hums in agreement.

“Remind me not to do this next year,” he says. “All this effort for cheap wine and stinky cheese!”

“Not your cup of tea?”

“Not my…?”

“Not your thing,” Arthur clarifies. “Not your idea of a good party.”

“Oh! No,” the brunet responds, shaking his head before taking a sip of his wine. Then he says, “My sort of party involves better music, more dancing, and more drinking. I would hazard to say that mulled wine is not really ‘my cup of tea’ either.”

“No? Is it not a bit like sangria?”

“I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that.”

“Sorry…”

“Still,” Antonio says, “I’ll make it up to you.”

Arthur doesn’t want him to feel obliged or guilty; cheap wine and stinky cheese aside, he’s had a nice evening thanks to some shared laughter, some moaning, and some, well, cheap wine and stinky cheese. 

But in all seriousness, Antonio has been good company. Even if he would have liked to have stayed home, he… can’t deny he’s enjoyed the opportunity to get to spend time with Antonio away from the office. It’s been nice to just talk with him, without the pressure of it having to be work-related somehow, managers looming over them. It’s been nice to feel at ease, and more like themselves—more real—even if only slightly.

So Arthur tells him, “Don’t worry about it. The evening hasn’t been too unbearable.”

“Oh?” Antonio croons. “You think?”

“Yeah, well, you’re not unbearable.”

“Flattery! How kind,” the other jokes. “I’m still going to make it up to you. I feel responsible for your suffering.”

“What suffering?” Arthur remarks as he sips his wine.

“It’s like you said, no? Office parties suck?”

“Oh, yeah. For sure.” He lowers his glass. “They suck less with good company, though.”

Antonio stares at him for a moment. He can feel his gaze—can feel the warmth and nerves grow the longer it goes on. Arthur holds his cards close to his chest and says no more, his own eyes turning to the room, their colleagues, the small talk to come. 

But then, just out of the corner of his eye, he glimpses a smile. A lovely, soft, wine-humoured smile. 

That’s all Arthur needs to convince himself that… maybe not all office parties suck…

[ ficlet collection on ao3! ] [ prompt list here! ]