#del is just incredibly traumatized and depressed

[sawvidae]

🎵🎵🎵

for Del, Ori and a song from the couples playlist!

Delilah:

Billie Eilish - bury a friend

It's probably something that shouldn't be said out loud

Honestly I thought that I would be dead by now

Oriel:

Dove Cameron - Boyfriend (i love this cover in particular)

I could be a better boyfriend than him

I could do the shit that he never did

Up all night, I won't quit

Couple:

Florence + the Machine - Heavy In Your Arms

I was a heavy heart to carry

But he never let me down

When he had me in his arms

My feet never touched the ground

[hexhux]

My Eighteenth Birthday

Friday, May 3rd, 2019. 

An open letter to everyone who has ever loved me. A recap of the year. 

Today, I turned eighteen years old. I can’t help but feel incredibly lucky to be here. I’m sure many others who suffer from long-term mental illness can relate, but it is not always a given to make it this far. I have so much farther to go, but because this is such a milestone, I wanted to take a moment to step back and give my thanks to those in my life who have offered their hand to me. This life has been as joyous and wonderful as it has been cruel. For all the times I have sobbed my heart out, grieving and ashamed, I have found an equal amount of pure, forgiving laughter. To everyone, thank you so much.

One of the most important things I have learned so far is to appreciate the small things. To the setting sun, to the flowers called weeds, to the soft sheets, to the warm baths - thank you. To the moon, the stars, the midnight sky - thank you. To the emotional movies, to the memes on the internet, to the books I’ve read a thousand times - thank you. These are the things I have cultivated and loved, even when I thought the sun wouldn’t shine on me any longer. To quote one of my favorite movies of all time, Swiss Army Man, “Everything everywhere matters to everything.” It truly does. Forever. Always.

Grandma: you are the most important person in my life. From the very day I was born, you have been there. Through every stomach ache, nightmare, and painful thought, you have pieced me back together. You taught me what love truly was. Dedication. Sincerity. Empowerment. On all the days I could not love myself, you loved me twice as much. I found true friendship with you. You are the most generous, forgiving, and wholly enveloping person I know. Regardless of whether or not I am happy or sad, your face is the one I want to see. You match me in passion, pride, and persistence. I cannot tell you how much I love you because words do not come close to the feeling inside my heart. Thank you for being my best friend, for the advice, the comfort, and all the times you thoroughly read my fanfiction. You have supported my art and my dreams since the beginning. Thank you, mama.

Ethan: Firstly, let me ask a very, very important question, little brother. Do you have a mic? I’m kidding (lmao). I could not have a better brother. You were my first playmate, my partner in crime, and the person who was always by my side. Never once have we stopped playing. Every moment with you is one of belly-aching laughter and jokes. You bring an incredible light to the life of anyone who knows you. You’re level-headed, compassionate, and the funniest person I know. We’re so similar, but even in our differences, we’ve supported one another fully. You are my other half and I love you so dearly that it’s nearly laughable. You’re an absolute buffoon sometimes, but I’d take you over anyone else any day.

Collin: Ah, yes, my stupid woke best friend. You are the sweetest, kindest person I have ever met. The only person who asks retail workers about their day, even if they clearly hate their job. Nobody else has ever made quite such a dedication to getting to know me. You know the most about me, even if admitting that is embarrassing because the vast majority of my secrets are odd and cringe-worthy. We have been through so many challenges, but we have always made it through because we have a connection unlike no other. You are such a beautiful, encapsulating human being. The bond we have is incomparable to any other, and I cannot thank you enough for being my friend. It isn’t often you meet someone who wants all of you, not just the good parts. You have loved me through the misfortune. And I want you to know that I will forever be there for you. It is an honor to know you, Collin.

Nits: We may have met by chance, but there is nothing accidental about our friendship. I have never encountered someone like you before - someone so bold, strong, and gorgeous. That summer we spent every day together, entangled by movies, music, and a growing fondness that would last forever. To be loved by you is such a gift. Nobody deserves you. I have never so desperately wanted to see someone succeed. We are intertwined and will be forever, I truly hope. You have held my hand and helped me through the bad times, just as I’ve held yours. You are an enigmatic, wondrous, and hopeful soul. Thank you for seeing me for who I am, even when I myself didn’t know who that was at times.

Kiesha: Your comfort and reassurance is never-ending. You have such a warm, broad presence. We have known each other for such a long time and have managed to grow in the same direction. So much love, laughter and acceptance has been cultivated between us. I cannot thank you enough for all those nights spent talking on the phone late at night. For all the times you answered my calls when I was crying after a bad dream and needed another person to exist with me. For all the beta-reading, spelling checks, and long-reading sessions. Thank you for being there and for being the Wade Wilson to my Peter Parker.

Nova: I have never met another person so similar to myself. You’ve given me so much comfort in my identity and existence. You are a lovely, sugary sweet human being, even when you’re badass. You have such a fierce and generous energy, which has enraptured me since the moment we met. We met through hard circumstances, but I believe it was worth it because we found each other. I would relive it a hundred times if you were still standing at the end of it. Our love for one another is so nurturing and wholesome, and I wouldn’t give it up for all the money in the world. Thank you for your friendship, generosity, and patience. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have you. Probably throw a fit.

Nikki: You are seriously one of the most interesting people I have ever met. You’re so hilarious, so intriguing, and so sincere. I couldn’t ask for a better friend. Your presence is one I’ll never forget and hope to never live without. I will always hold my hand out to you because I know you’d do the same for me. You’re such a supportive, kind, and affectionate person. You don’t give yourself enough credit for how fuckin’ amazing you are. I’m very glad to call you my friend, and I can’t thank you enough for being mine. You matter so much to me. Thank you for all the playlists, passion, and crude jokes.

Cierra: You are such a beautiful, darling person. We have grown so much together and I could not be happier to call you my friend. Ever since I was a child, I dreamed of having a friend like the teenage girls in the coming of age movies. The type of friendship where you gush about boys, share all of your dreams and uplift each other to the highest degree. I feel so much happiness talking to you, even if it's about nothing at all. You have supported me so thoroughly and have always been such a gentle, soft girl. I am so proud to call you my friend. For all the times we gushed over Tom Holland, thank you.

J: From the very moment we met, we’ve had intense and bold chemistry. You’re so funny and so wise, even if sometimes I want to beat you with a stick. Your love and dedication for me have been such a pleasure. I love that we can spend hours on the phone - talking about everything and nothing at all. You’ve always been there to support me, even in times when I felt too weak to go on. Your love for me has been so enveloping, and I hope you know that I love you just as much. Thank you for giving me the courage to remove toxic people from my life. Thank you for remembering the little things about me. And most of all, thank you for also indulging in my love for oldies beach music. You’re wonderful.

Aisu, Amanda, Sky, and Reez: My wonderful squad! You guys are endlessly supportive, hilarious, and fantastic human beings. Never in my life have I felt so brave and safe with a group of people. It is truly an honor to log onto Twitter and talk to such honest, fantastic friends. No matter what I’m talking about, you guys are always there to encourage me. Through all my writing, my artwork, my strange fantasies - you guys have been there. For all the support of my Kylo Ren fetish, my love for Slenderman, and random infatuations with villians, thank you so much. From the bottom of my heart, I love y’all.

To myself: You’ve made it this far. I know that some days you succumb to the pain, the insecurity, the anguish, but you have truly been so brave. Every time that you’ve fallen, you’ve pushed yourself from the ground and stood on your feet once more. Against all odds, you have made it to eighteen. You are strong. You are smart. You are brave. Even on the days when you wished you were someone else, or gone completely, you have bandaged your wounds and taken care of yourself. I am so proud of you. For once in my life, I am happy to be who I am. I am happy to be you. To inhabit this body. Thank you for never once giving up on yourself, even when you so desperately wanted to. Thank you so much.

I learned so much during my year as seventeen. It hasn’t been easy by any means; there were so many times when I wanted to let go of it all. Recovering from severe depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder has been a long, arduous process. I’ve been in therapy for nearly a full year now, and I’ve come so far in examining my trauma and understanding how to live with it. This year, I’ve done my best to step out of my comfort zone and allow myself to flourish as much as possible. This life can be complicated and heartbreaking, but it’s worth it all. For all the happiness, the love, the sweetness.

Finally, I’d like to list the songs that I’ve played a billion times and have been the biggest comfort. 

1. Mariners Apartment Complex by Lana Del Rey

2. O Superman by Laurie Anderson

3. Allentown by Manchester Orchestra & The Front Bottoms

4. I’ll Still Have Me by CYN

5. Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd

Thank you to everyone. For everything.

“Knowing at last what I am, recognizing it, admitting it, confronting it,” - Anaïs Nin

[morningstar1399]

I N T R O D U C I N G  . . .

M A X  G R E E N

NAME: Corporal Maxwell Augustus Green

NICKNAME(S): Max, Corporal, Green

AGE: 25 years

SEXUALITY: Demisexual panromantic

OCCUPATION: Former Marine First Lieutenant, currently working at Lowes despite needing a service dog and a cane

PERSONALITY: honest, hardworking, patient, generous, romantic, smart, quiet, anxious, depressed, can be irritable, can be distant, can be a lot of fun, kind, ashamed of himself

LIKES:

+ his service dog, a German Shepard named Jace + cats + art (looking at it and making it) + photography + tea + cake & other sweet stuff (but mostly cake) + old books (he collects them) + records (he collects them) + music — likes to listen to film soundtracks/scores, classic rock, and some alternative, amongst a plethora of other genres; favorite bands/musicians/composers include Panic! At The Disco, Queen, The Beatles, Green Day, Billy Joel, Imagine Dragons, Lana Del Rey, Hozier, Hans Zimmer, John Williams, Tchaikovsky, George Gershwin, Andrew Lloyd Weber... + going to the ballet or opera (though that is a once a year treat and it’s one or the other, alternating every year) + movies + woodworking

DISLIKES:

— fire — loud noises — alcohol — his scars — lies, even if they're trying to protect him or others — his bad leg — how badly his hands shake — feeling like he can’t do something (esp. if it’s because of his mental illnesses) — feeling trapped — small/tight spaces — sand — strong winds — the ocean/beaches; is fine with lakes — getting his face wet/submerged

NOTES:

— studied at a polytechnic institute before enlisting in the Marines — went to sniper school — served for five years before being medically discharged; he does not like to talk about why — suffers from PTS and due to traumatic injuries to his right leg, requires the use of a cane to walk — has a service dog named Jace (German shepherd) — has a few friends he tries to see as often as he can — is trying to get a job as an electrical engineer or perhaps even an IT specialist — collects records and old books — is a pretty good photographer — is really good with computers/electronics (including coding), woodworking, and repairs — if his hands didn’t shake so much he’d still have incredible aim with any kind of firearm — sleeps with a knife under his pillow — uses knot-tying and rope-braiding as a way to help distract himself sometimes, though the more he does these things the easier they get and the more likely he is to get distracted from the distracting tool

FACECLAIM: Mitch Hewer

FAMILY:

— FATHER: James Green, 57 — MOTHER: Lorraine Green (nee Pace), 58 — BROTHER: Benjamin “Benji” Green, 30; FC: Bradley Cooper (circa The A-Team)

FRIENDS:

— Joanna Stone, 25; FC: Jenna Malone — more to come

TAG(S): @solghtmeup || @hxnybear

SIDEBLOG: @maxgreenrp

Edit by me, @morningstar1399

[ M: This is just an introduction to his character. I will likely add more to this as time goes. ]

TAGS: #aesthetic: max , #musings: max , #about: max , #style: max , #face: max , #rp: max , #playlist: max , #ship: max x eleanor , #ship: meleanor , #starters: max , #relationships: max , #photography: max ,

[ibogainec]

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