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mumblino · 3 years ago

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My self discovery journey

Heyo!

This is not what most of my posts are gonna be like, but I felt like it was important to talk about, and pride month is a perfect time to tell my (summarized) self discover journey~

My name is Brandon, although I don’t care if you call me Mumble. My pronouns change a lot since i don’t really know myself that well, but currently, they are He/Him, They/Them and It/Its. There are also days where I don’t really identify with any 3rd person pronouns, I’m just me, and that’s what I mean when I say No Pronouns.

I have Depression, Anxiety and Combination Type- ADHD, which is why i am on the internet a lot.

This is a very long post, so buckle up

//TW: Transphobia, Enbyphobia, Homophobia, Anxiety, Depression, ADHD, Disordered Eating, Racism (not a huge part, but there are mentions of it), Self Harm, Mentions of a Psych Ward, Medication

I am a trans-masc, afab teenager. I am a romance-neutral aromantic (my interpretation of that is that I don’t mind romance, but I don’t actively want one or seek one out), and a sex-repulsed asexual (I am completely repulsed by the idea of engaging in sexual intercourse with anyone). and I am currently out to my friends, my mother, and my step-father, and am in the beginning-middle of my transition.

I started questioning my gender identity when I was in early 7th grade, after my friend Saturn (pronouns are They/It/Bun) first came out to me as Non-Binary, and asked me to use They/Them pronouns.

I’ve never really actively considered myself straight. I’ve always seen love as between two people, and while I usually thought of a man and a woman, I have always been open to same sex couples. My best friend in 2nd grade actually introduced me to the LGBTQ+ community (not directly, but she did talk about those types of things quite a bit), and while I don’t want to assume her sexuality, I am fairly certain she experienced attraction to both boys and girls.

Before this, the only thing I really knew about trans people was that they existed, and I didn’t really care that much. However, my brother and my father had the idea that most LGBTQ+ people are “snowflakes” and since I didn’t know anything else, I believed them.

However, I wanted to learn more about Trans people, and how to be respectful and supportive of them. I did, at the time, consider myself to be LGBTQ+. In both 5th and 6th grade I thought I was either a lesbian or bisexual, since I didn’t know the difference between aesthetic attraction and sexual attraction, and well, people are pretty!

I also had this need to be very masculine, and I always have. I’ve always wanted to be a tom-boy, to be the masculine one in the group, be the Buttercup of my friends! And during th grade, as I started to learn more about LGBTQ+ people, I wanted to be the top. I wanted to be the stereotypical lesbian. The one with the androgynous style, chill attitude, and the one that scares the shit out of guys.

I’ve even said to myself (not knowing that being trans was a thing) that I want to be a boy. I’ve always identified more with the guys at my school. Not in a pick me girl way, but in a “I relate to you a lot, and I feel like I fit in with you” way.

And to some extent, I wouldn’t be surprised if this is because of how often feminine guys are made fun of. I would not be surprised one bit if this is because femininity has always been demonized to me, especially if a guy is being feminine.

Anyways, through this dive into the Alphabet Mafia, I found out about asexuality. It really resonated with me, because I always found sexual things gross, but that also confused me. If I was asexual, why did I want to be masculine so badly? Why wasn’t I like the other girls? I’ve always felt like an outcast around most people, but especially girls. I never related to them. I always related to more masculine people, and boys especially.

After this, I decided to start looking into trans culture, and FTM culture especially. Through this I found Kalvin Garrah. I know now that he is very much a toxic influence on the Trans community, but he taught me a lot about trans culture. I also found Sam Collins and Jammidoger through him, who also taught me a lot (and are much more positive influences.) These FTM youtubers taught me a lot, and I started to realize, that I might be trans.

Because of this, I decided to ask Saturn if they could refer to me by They/Them pronouns. I went with They/Them because I didn’t feel like I passed well enough to use them. My hair was still long, I wasn’t out to my family, I still acted feminine sometimes, etc.

I would also like to make note of the fact that at the time, I was not very accepting of most gender identities outside of the “binary” and didn’t consider it a spectrum. I had a very close minded and rigid view of gender, and this is mostly due to family influences. This view is why I didn’t want to use He/Him pronouns, because I didn’t feel like I deserved it. I have since grown out of that viewpoint, reflected, and tried to do better when trying to understand other people’s identities.

This stress of my identity crisis, untreated mental conditions, toxic friends, and general struggle with school caused me to develop disordered eating habits. I have never been diagnosed with an eating disorder, however I’ve struggled with disordered eating for a long time. During 7th grade, I started to struggle with binge eating. The moment I would get home, I would immediately start a binge. It was uncontrollable, I felt horrible, and eventually, my mom had started to notice that I was eating an unhealthy amount.

A few months after this, I started to see a therapist, and at the end of my first session with her, I came out to my mom. I could not be more thankful for how supportive of me she is. She has only shown love, and care for me, and the only time she’d no to a step in my transition, is out of a genuine concern for my physical and mental health. She is also religious, but she loves me for the way that I am, and has a very loving and positive viewpoint when it comes to that.

I didn’t do much for my transition at the time (other than switching my pronouns to He/They at some point) and focused more on school, depression, and my romantic orientation.

This was a part that really confused me. I’ve never had a crush (except for one that came from peer-pressure) and I’ve never had an interest in romance. (Keep in mind I had no idea what ‘Aromantic’ was) So what was I? For the time being I decided to consider myself either bi-romantic or hetero-romantic, because like I said, people are pretty, and I tended to notice pretty girls more than pretty boys.

There was also another hurdle. My (now ex) group of toxic friends. These friends weren’t toxic in the way that they wouldn’t include me, they were toxic in the way that they would talk shit about any minority group, a lot of which i was a part of. They were racist (I am not a poc but it still made me upset and uncomfortable) ableist (they threw the r-slur around a lot) homophobic (this was the biggest one, mainly making fun of them, callng them ‘pixies’ and would say they would ‘burn them’) and transphobic/enbyphobic (they didn’t consider they/them pronouns valid, they threw around the ‘attack helicopter’ joke, and they would dehumanize trans people, and call them ‘transvestites’)

Over the summer, I still spoke to them, and tried to ignore all of their behavior, because if I had cut them off, I would be completely alone. I have an extremely intense fear of abandonment, so the idea of doing that was comparable to death.

Through the first half of 8th grade (I was doing school from home) I didn’t talk to many people other than them. I stayed in my room a lot, and the first half of 8th grade was a steady decline in my mental health. My depression and anxiety had significantly worsened over that time, and I was extremely lonely. This was also worsened by the fact that I have ADHD, and at the time, it was undiagnosed, so I was failing almost all of my classes.

The only way I was able to comfort myself was through my hyperfixations, and over the summer, I had a developed a hyperfixation on the Origins MCRP group. Because I had nothing else to do, I decided to pick up drawing again, and in October, I did an Origins version of Inktober. Every day, I would draw a different character from their series Fairy Tail Origins. I did not complete the challenge, however I did get through the first week, and I am proud of myself for that.

One one of the days, I had to draw a character named Brandon (partial inspiration for my name lel.) Brandon is a sky devil-slayer, and a co-guild leader of a guild named Divinus Magia. and I decided to draw him in a picture that symbolically showed his mental struggles with a devil named Jupiter. I posted it to the fan discord, and the actor and creator of the character (online username is ReinBloo) noticed my artwork. I was extremely excited about this, and decided to start drawing more and more.

Because of this newfound motivation to pick up drawing again, I decided to create my own persona. I decided to make my main persona a revised design of my profile picture at the time. It was an improvised character, but I liked the aspects of it, and in late 2020, (yes i am 14 shut up) I created my main Oc, Jupiter. (at the time he didn’t have a name and I landed on Jupiter because I like it, and it fit him.) Jupiter is a space inspired demon, with dark grey skin, white star-like freckles, pure white eyes, white hair (that is slightly purple) and light gray ram-like horns with gray stripes on the base and tip. His color palette is that of the Asexual flag, and this was originally unintentional, but since I like the colors, and my Asexuality is an important part of my identity, I went with it.

I fell in love with this character, and he helped me figure out a lot about myself. I continued to watch origins, and draw for them (mainly ReinBloo’s characters lel) and on January 27th of 2021, in the premier chat of one of the episodes of My Hero Origins, I met MissyLea (She also goes by Lea, and Vesper). We instantly became friends, and moved over to discord to continue our conversation. By February 10th, we were already planning on being platonic valentines. We related on so many things, she was so kind, and loving, and understanding, and very quickly, I grew a strong emotional bond with her.

By the end of February, I developed an emotional attraction to her. I wanted to be with her forever, and while I personally wouldn’t consider it romantic right now, at the time, I did. After a few months of identifying as Aromantic (I had learned about it by now, through the Asexual community) I decided to change that label to Demi-Panromantic. I realized that I didn’t really see her gender, I didn’t care. I love her, and that’s all that matters to me. Now, I feel as though it was more of an emotional and somewhat sensual love for her, but even so, I love her to the edge of the universe and back, no matter what our relationship is.

I have told her things I’ve told no one else. When I was struggling, she was there for me, with kind words, and an endless amount of unconditional love. She is the type of person everyone deserves to have in their life, whether they are a friend, a family member, a partner, or anything else, everyone deserves to have a friend with the amount of love in their heart that she has.

On March 19th, I decided to tell her how I felt. When she said she felt the same way about me, I was happier than ever. To have someone who feels the same way about me as I do about them is amazing. We started dating later that day.

It’s only been 3 months, but I feel like I’ve known her for 3 years. Vesper has made me feel complete when I’m around them, but they’ve made it so much easier to stand on my own as well.

Near the end of my 8th grade year, I officially cut them off, and came out to them (albeit in a very aggressive way) and I wouldn’t have been able to do this without Vesper’s support. Just one person has made it so much easier to cut off toxic people.

Vesper’s support also made it easier for me to be more open with my therapist. I began to tell her more of what I was struggling with, and it has made my mental health journey so much more bearable.

Over these past two months, I have finally gotten a diagnosis, and been able to truly know what direction to go in to properly treat my mental health.

I hope that by sharing my story you can better know me, and I also hope I can help create a safer environment for others to talk about their stories.

I hope one day people will be able to be themselves, and talk about their experiences, without the fear of judgement, or persecution, and if just this one post helps us get closer to that, I will be happy.

Happy Pride Month everybody! You are all amazing, loved and valid! 🌈💖

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metiterasu · 5 years ago

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Inktober/OCtober Week 1

I’m going to be posting these in batches of weeks to give myself time to catch up if I need it! Every week will have 7 doodles plus a short story to go along with each one.

So I decided to just make this a Llyra study month since I’ve been missing writing and drawing her!

I made these following @oc-growth-and-development ‘s prompt list for this year.

Day 1 - Beginnings

The sounds of the train starting on its journey rang in Llyra’s ears, bringing a smile to her face. She made her way from her seat to the back of the train, out onto the small balcony.

As the train pulled out of the station, she stared off into the night sky, leaning on the railing. “This is it” she thought, “I’ll finally learn something new.”

She glanced back at her bag, thoughts wandering to the spellbook and wand waiting inside, of the spells buzzing in her mind as she mentally went over her routine for the entrance exam in the morning. Thilmserine was a small town, tucked away in the mountains and far too small and boring for her tastes. But the wondrous tales she had heard of the nearby Abizum Academy had set her heart aflame.

Her smile grew wider as she watched her hometown shrink in the distance until it disappeared from view. She turned from her spot on the balcony and made her way back to her seat, turning her back on Thilmserine and towards her new beginning.

Day 2 - Dance

Music floats softly throughout the garden, a nearby bard practicing for his show, no doubt. Many were up dancing while most stuck to the outside tables, sharing drinks and laughing, celebrating surviving the recent vampire attack on the town.

Llyra taps her fingers on the table to the beat of the music, itching to get up and move but her companions seemed content to mill around their table. Her eyes wander around her party until landing on her dragonborn friend. A soft smile appears on her face as Pokke notices her gaze.

“Dara, would you like to dance?”

“Eh?” Pokke tilts her head to one side, “Me?”

“Of course. Come on, it’ll be fun!” Llyra stands up and offers her hand out.

Pokke sighs and takes the hand extended to her “You won’t take no for an answer, huh?”

“Nope!” Llyra smiles and leads Pokke closer to where the bard was playing, the soft music lilting through the garden.

Llyra takes the lead in the impromptu waltz, placing a hand on Pokke's shoulder and taking her hand with the other. She smiles and laughs as they make their way around the space, gently swaying and turning to the beat of the music.

"If I could spend the rest of my days in this easy bliss, I would be happy…" she thinks to herself as she loses herself in the music and the moment.

Day 3 - Feast

"Woah!" Llyra marvelled at the spread being set down in front of her on the table. From rare meats to juicy fresh vegetables and everything in-between, Varis brought tray after tray of food for the party that evening.

He smirks as he sets down another plate worthy of a king and finally takes his seat at the table. "It's not much but I thought I would show my gratitude for lettin' me travel with y'all."

"Not much?" Anya says from her seat beside him, "This is enough food to feed a whole village! No, two villages!"

"I think that's a bit of an exaggeration…" Llyra pours a glass of wine for herself, "But this really is a lot of food Varis."

"Perhaps, but at least we won't go hungry for a while, eh? Eat up!"

Llyra smiles and lifts her glass, "To Varis! And his great cooking skills!"

"To Varis!" The party chimes in after her, the sounds of glasses and cups clinking filling the small tavern.

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Llyra pulls her knees closer to her chest as she sits by the campfire that night, the small hut they took shelter in barely shielding the party from the wind.

The lackluster dish of food lies untouched at her feet, only serving as a reminder of what they lost that day.

The mound of earth that serves as Varis' grave is barely visible out of the shack's door, Pokke and Shanan were finishing filling it in before returning to the camp.

A silence falls over the party as they mull over the events of the day, Llyra's attention squarely on the fire and the distorted lump of earth she could see through the heat. Leaving her wondering what could've been if she'd just been faster, smarter, able to think clearly at all. Instead she walks away unscathed while another companion joins the sea of souls that haunt her dreams.

Day 4 - Nature

“Another one?” Llyra watched while Anya placed a potted plant on the shelf above her desk.

“It brightens up the room, no?” Anya smiled, arranging the leaves to be more aesthetically pleasing.

“Perhaps… But you know how bad I am at taking care of these things Anya.” Llyra gestures to the other plants on the shelf which were in various different states of dying.

Anya sighs and reaches up for the dying plants, easily bringing life back to the flowers and leaves with her druid magic. “Maybe I should bring you a cactus or something, they’re easy to take care of.”

Llyra rolls her eyes, “I think they’d be better off in your house than mine, I’m too busy to take care of myself most of the time, never mind taking care of this many plants as well.”

The tiefling lays a hand on her friend’s shoulder, “That, I am also working on. So come on we’re going out to dinner.”

“Eh? W-Wait!” Llyra says with a laugh as she’s dragged towards the entrance of the house, “I didn’t agree to this!”

“Too bad!” Anya turns to face Llyra with a grin, “My treat, you have no say!”

Llyra sighs and shrugs, there was no point fighting with Anya, it would lead nowhere. Especially when it came to making sure she actually ate food.

“Alright, alright, just give me some time to get ready and I’ll meet you there” A soft smile on her lips as she retreated back into the house to prepare.

Day 5 - Lost

As night fell over Barovia, Llyra found herself on the wall of the balcony attached to her inn room.

Her spellbook long since discarded on the table, pages fluttering in the gentle wind, her real purpose for coming out here all but abandoned as she stared down at the street below. A few people on nightly business guided by soft lamp light and the dull glow of the eternal full moon above.

It never changed.

Every night spent in Barovia was the same as every night to come. It was boring and tiring. Her grip tightened on the sleeve of her shirt as she thought about how little had changed since the party arrived in the small town.

It just made her feel worse about their situation, trapped in this never changing land, running for their lives every single day. She knew what she had signed up for when they all decided to put a stop to this, but she didn’t know it would be this hard. Every day left her exhausted, every day made her feel like it would be better to give up, to resign themselves to living in this hellhole for the rest of their lives.

Her hands moved up to her head, clutching fistfuls of hair as she tried to rid herself of her dark thoughts.

“Ugh.”

She turned around where she sat and hopped down from the wall back to the balcony.

“That’s enough for one night.”

Day 6 - Bitter

Primrose always did better than her.

In every class, in every field of study, her half-elf friend excelled in every area that Llyra tried to master. She wasn’t a jealous person, she didn’t let those feelings control her, but with every day that passed the thoughts would creep back at every new achievement.

Llyra knew that Primrose was better than her, thankful that her friend would help her through her struggles. But she hoped one day to return the favour, to help in return with something Prim didn’t understand.

But there was nothing.

She tried so hard, spent countless nights studying while Prim slept just for a chance, a single hope that one day, one day, she would be good enough to teach her something new instead of how it always was.

But for now she would admit she was jealous. The bitter taste of the emotion crept into her mouth as she explained that she needed help with another spell. Prim agreed to help with a smile, as always.

So happy. So eager to help. She held her wand tightly as she pointed it towards Prim.

I wish she would stop.

Day 7 - Tender

The smoke subsided as the sounds of battle died down around her. Llyra collapsed in place, coughing at the remnants of her fireball that had decisively finished the fight off.

“W-We did it!” She managed to sputter out, “Can we please take a rest now…?”

The sounds of armour clanging on the floor alerted her to her friend’s approach. “Of course.”

Llyra smiled as she felt the familiar soothing of Pokke’s healing magic seep into her wounds. She let out a sigh of relief as most of the pain subsided, leaving her with minor scratches and bruises.

“Thanks Dara.” She looked up at the dragonborn, who was kneeling down in front of her.

Pokke smiles and takes Llyra’s face gently in her armoured hands, wiping away a stray tear she didn’t even know was there. “As long as you are alright.”

Llyra nodded, a warm flush spreading across her face as she gently removed Pokke’s hands and instead holding them in her own. “Thanks to you, if you hadn’t have taken that axe for me I’d have been a goner…”

Pokke shakes her head, “I was only doing what I had to. Besides, I think you’re a little tougher than you give yourself credit for.”

She laughs, “Not strong enough for that surely! But regardless of if it’s your job or not, thank you… Even if you did leave me with these nasty scratches.”

That earns her a playful shove, “It may be my job but you’re making me regret it.”

They both laugh, revelling in their victory and the little moments they get to share because of it.

#inktober #OC tober #d&d #llyra #noble draws crap #oh boy I have bitten off more than I can chew but I will fuckin finish this even if it kills me

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plasticoveredfurniture · 5 years ago

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inktober d15: legend

pairing: jinmin

words: 2950

tags: gumiho jimin, mentions of organised crime, sex work, happy ending

According to Korean folklore, Gumihos, or nine-tailed foxes, are immortal creatures that feed on human flesh. They can shapeshift and present as beautiful women in order to lure men in and consume their liver, and these powers are something they inherit after being alive for centuries. But that's some old legend. Everybody knows that Gumihos don't actually feed off human flesh. Jimin, however, knows that they actually do. They just keep it on the down low to avoid arising any sort of suspicion, they remember what happened to those who were discovered back in the day.

Nowadays they were just pretty pets that rich old men would pay billions of won to get a taste of. Most Gumihos lived in hiding, concealing their ears under hats and hoods, and limiting their contact with the outside world, only abandoning their dens to go hunting.

Some, however, found protection with rich, ruthless men who didn't even budge at the sight of a dismembered body. That was the life that Jimin had chosen. Male gumihos were extremely rare, and he knew how much his body was worth. So he showed up at the Koki'o, one of the most expensive clubs in the entirety of Seoul. They had a well renowned escort service that was exclusively accessible to their most important guest only. These included CEOs of big companies, celebrities, even politicians. They offered a wide variety of toys for their patrons, most of them being foreign beauties and non-humans. But they did not have a Gumiho at hand. Let alone a male one. Jimin knew he'd definitely get in, but he'd have to work closely with Gong Jicheol, the owner. Jimin had done his research and he knew Jicheol ran a few other businesses alongside the brothel. He distributed nearly every substance in existence to pretty much all of Seoul. Of course, he mostly dealt with opium and cocaine, for the old and the rich. And Jimin was sure, meaning a solid 80%, that the man had killed and tortured a few poor souls. He had to get the job.

He anonymously contacted Mr. Gong to schedule a meeting and, much to his surprise, the man had agreed immediately. They met at the Koki'o before opening hours. Jimin made sure to wear his tightest suit. He wanted to be professional, but nothing could stop him from showing off his assets. He also put on his favourite silver jewellery, which mostly consisted of rings upon rings and pendant earrings, lined his eyes in dark brown eyeshadow, and tinted his lips a faint shade of crimson.

“You must be Jimin”

“And you must be Gong-ssi”

He bowed politely and made sure to wiggle his tail to draw attention to his rear. He decided to manifest his ears and only one out of nine tails, the other eight only came in handy in the bedroom. People think that Gumihos' tails have no practical use, but they actually function similarly to tentacles when they are feeding. Truly fascinating.

He was pulled out of his thoughts when the older man spoke again.

“Please, follow me to my office.”

The office was a vast room located on the very top floor of the building. In the middle of it was a desk with two armchairs in the front and a third one on the other side. Behind it a huge glass wall.

Jimin sat down after Jicheol gestured for him to make himself comfortable. The older man stood with his hands in his pockets while leaning against the wooden desk.

“So, Jimin.” the Gumiho hummed in acknowledgement “What did you want to talk to me about that is so important to require a private meeting?”

“Gong-ssi, I have heard a lot about the Koki'o and the, uhm, services it provides for its most important clients.”

Jicheol looked interested and gestured for Jimin to go on.

“Well, I think we could help each other out.” He leaned back in the armchair. His tail was wagging lightly and his ears relaxed.

“Do you? And what would you like to suggest, dear?"

“I hear you don't have a Gumiho on your menu, and I happen to be one. Male too, we are extremely rare. Imagine how much you could charge those old fucks just so they could have me for ten pathetic minutes.”

“I'm listening”

“Obviously I'm not here because I want greasy old men to put their penis in my vicinity.”

Jicheol chuckled.

“I figured”

"You see, Gong-ssi” Jimin stood up, walking closer to the man “there's things you don't know about my kind.”

His tail was stroking the elder's side. Jicheol gulped.

“Are you familiar with the original legend, Gong-ssi?”

“The one about you being flesh-eating monsters?”

“Yes, precisely that one. It's true.”

He looked panicked for a second.

“Oh, don't worry. I'm not here to rip your heart out, sweets. I'm here to offer you a business deal. I work for you and make so much money that you won't even know what to do with it. In return, I need you to pick my meals for me. And dispose of them.”

Jicheol looked pleased by the offer. Jimin walked even closer.

“What do I get out of it, though? I am filthy rich, I couldn't care less about the money.”

“Have you ever fucked a Gumiho, Gong-ssi?”

That's how Jimin ended up working at Koki'o. He was being paid 1.000.000₩ an hour, and an extra something on the side because Jicheol had grown fond of him. Or rather, of his ass and mouth. But as long he got paid, Jimin didn't mind. Once a week Jicheol would pick a client out for him, usually low profile rich old men who had a debt to pay or had gotten away with a crime of some sort. It was Jicheol's way to uphold his end of the bargain without it weighing too much on his conscience. He may have been a murderer, but he'd never killed anyone who didn't deserve it. At least that was what he told himself.

The other days Jimin would just roam the club looking all pretty and expensive and downright edible, and looked for clients. The great thing about being a fox, according to Jimin, was, other than the tails, having a high libido and a virtually non-existent refractory period. So he could take on four or five clients per night and bury himself in money and jewellery.

Jimin had always been able to get his way through his beauty and cunning fox senses, so he wasn't used to hearing no. Especially not after starting working at the club.

Which is why he had fixated his attention on one particular patron.

“Well, hello there handsome”

It wasn't rare to find good looking men at the Koki'o, many celebrities were regulars because of the pleasant environment and the extensive security system that made it impossible for paparazzi or other lowlifes to get in. However, Jimin had never seen someone that beautiful. So, in true Jimin nature, he decided to flirt his way into the man's bed.

But he did not anticipate the man's response to be the one he got.

“Sorry, not interested”

“Excuse me?”

“I said I'm not interested”

“I didn't even- You're really turning this down? Before I even got to try anything?”

Jimin flicked his tail against the patron's ear, hoping it would help his case but it only seemed to further irritate him.

“Have you seen me, sweetie? Do I look like I need to pay for a good fuck?” he was smirking, but his tone was bitter.

“Of course you don't, but I bet you've never fucked a Gumiho.”

The man stood up.

“Pass.” and he just left.

That didn't sit right with Jimin, so he retired back to his room.

Later that night Jicheol asked him how many clients he'd had that night.

“None.”

“What do you mean none?”

“I didn't fuck anyone”

“And why would that be?”

“I have my eyes on someone.”

“Am I exempt from this abstinence of yours?”

Jimin couldn't help but smirk.

“As long as the price is right, hyung.”

It went on like this for months. Jimin refused to actually work until he got that man inside his bed. He had never been rejected and he wouldn't settle for a no. So he spent all of his money on expensive lingerie and nighties, jewels, makeup, whatever it took to make him pretty.

But it was all to no avail.

One night he asked Jicheol about the mystery man.

“His name is Kim Seokjin. He's an actor. He comes here almost every night, but he's only here for the drinks. Never done coke, never bedded a whore. He's a weird one.”

After four whole months of trying to seduce the pretty actor, Jimin gave up.

“Okay, fine. You win” he said one right when he got to the bar counter.

“What?”

“I give up. You don't wanna fuck me, I accept that. I still think you're making a terrible decision though.”

The older man chuckled as he took a sip of his drink.

“Okay”

“I'm Park Jimin, by the way”

“Kim Seokjin.”

Just because Jimin had given up, didn't mean that he was done pestering the actor. Every night he looked for him and spent hours chatting with him about the most pointless of things.

After a couple of weeks they decided to keep their conversations to the confines of Jimin's room so that they wouldn't be interrupted by other customers who wanted to request Jimin's services.

It was nice having someone who treated him like a person for once. He didn't feel like a monster when he was with Seokjin. He felt like a person.

But he wasn't. And he couldn't keep lying to his friend like that, so one night he came clean.

"Hyung"

"Yes, Jimin-ah?"

"You know I'm a Gumiho."

"Yes, silly. I can see the ears and tail." replied the actor chuckling.

"There's things you don't know about Gumihos though."

Jimin's eyebrows were furrowed and was fidgeting, eyes fixed on the floor.

Seokjin put his hand on the fox's shoulder.

"Jimin-ah, what is it?"

Jimin told him about the feeding and all of the blood he had on his hands and for the first time in a thousand years, he cried.

Sobs wrecked through his body and the elder just held him though it.

"B-but I haven't fed in so long, hyung. At first I just forgot but now I'm scared. I don't want to hurt people and I don't- I don't know if I want to face the consequences and I-I don't know how to deal with it."

"Jiminie, hey, look at me." the actor cupped the Gumiho's face in his hands. "You're not a monster, okay. You did what you had to in order to survive. And I'm so proud of you for not feeding in so long. But isn't it dangerous? Aren't you going to starve?"

There was actual concern in his voice. That only made Jimin's heart ache more.

"No, we have to feed to keep our fox alive and stay immortal, but if a Gumiho doesn't feed for long enough it eventually becomes human."

"Do you want that?"

"I don't know, Seokjinnie-hyung."

They stayed in silence for a little bit. The only sounds that could be heard were their soft breaths and Jimin's quiet sniffling.

"I don't want to live like this anymore, hyung"

Convincing Gong Jicheol to let the Gumiho go wasn't easy in the slightest, but the man had money to spare and liked Jimin too much to force him into something that he didn't want so he took pity on the poor fox and set him free.

Jimin didn't know what he wanted. He had lived for a thousand years and all he'd ever known was sex and gore and hiding. He'd never had someone care about him. He'll, he'd never cared about anyone but himself. Everything was new to him.

In the meanwhile, Seokjin offered him a place to stay in his own home. He kept him company and cooked him food and made him feel safe. He made him feel human.

Not feeding, they discovered, came with its downsides.

Gumihos don't experience emotions. Not the way humans do. All that Gumihos know is lust, hunger, and anger. Happiness, grief, attachment, they're all foreign concepts to Jimin.

As time went by, he started experiencing them at the most random of times.

Some nights he'd wake up screaming and sweating after nightmares about the innocents he'd fed on and he'd cry himself back to sleep in Seokjin's arms as the guilt swallowed him whole.

But it wasn't all bad. He got to experience joy and belonging and affection. And in so many instances. When he was cuddled up against Seokjin at night when he was forced to watch all of the movies and dramas the actor had starred in.

The more time passed, the more Jimin enjoyed this new living arrangement and before he knew it, he'd made his mind up.

They were about to get to sleep, in the same bed because Seokjin wanted to be close to Jimin in case he had yet another nightmare, when he told the elder.

"Seokjinnie-hyung"

He hummed as he was fluffing his pillow without even looking at the fox, nervously flicking his tail as he was sitting cross legged on the bed.

"I made up my mind."

"About what, Jiminie?"

"I want to be human"

Seokjin dropped the pillow and crawled toward the younger to take his hands in his much bigger ones.

"Really?"

"Yeah. I don't want to hurt people. And I'm starting to get the hang of this emotion thing, it's not that bad"

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Sure, I have nightmares and I feel horrible about what I did in the past, but the guilt reminds me that I'm not bad to the core. And I like the way my heart skips a beat when you look at me. And the way my cheeks flush when you hold my hand. And the way my heart beats faster when you hold me. So, yeah, it's not that bad."

"Jimin-ah" it sounded like a plea

"Yes, hyungie?"

"Can I-" a deep breath "Can I kiss you?"

"Please" breathed out the younger.

That night they didn't get much sleep, too busy intertwining their bodies to the point that they didn't know where one ended and the other began. They took their sweet time and for the first time Jimin understood why people make a distinction between having sex and making love. It was also the first time he didn't let his tails out. He didn't have to in order to feel good or make the other feel good. When he was with Seokjin he was just his sweet little Jimmie, a person not a fox. He'd never felt more alive in his thousand years than he did when the elder's lips were on his body and it was intoxicating.

By the time they were done the sun was already rising over Seoul and they fell asleep in each other's arms with a soft pink light falling over their naked bodies.

After that, Jimin stopped thinking about feeding completely. He filled his belly with whatever his hyung cooked for him, and his heart with the love and affection he was showered with.

He got so used to being treated like a human that he would forget about his ears and tail until he walked into the bathroom to brush his teeth or passed in front of a window and he'd catch a glimpse of his reflection, but it stopped bothering at some point. Until, one day, things changed.

He'd woken up before Seokjin did, he wanted to treat his hyung to breakfast in bed since he'd mastered the art of scrambling eggs and flipping pancakes. So, like every other morning, he walked to the bathroom to wash his face and lightly brush his teeth to get rid of morning breath. It was when he was brushing the knots out of his hair that he noticed. His tail was nowhere in sight. And neither were his ears.

He let out a startled gasp and dropped his hairbrush. He'd done it. He'd finally gotten rid of the fox.

He rushed to the bedroom to wake his boyfriend up.

"Hyungie! Hyung! Wake up!"

"Wha- Is something wrong Jimin-ah?"

"I don't know, you tell me"

Jimin's smile was wide and blinding, the kind of smile that made his cheeks bunch up and his eyes disappear.

"What are you on abo-"

Silence.

"Your- Where- What?"

"We did it, hyung!"

"Holy shit, really?"

"Yes! I'm finally human, hyungie"

The both of them started tearing up. When they locked eyes, they both launched forward. Their lips interlocked and Jimin could feel his heart trying to escape his chest.

Safe to say that Jimin didn't make breakfast in bed that morning, but he did make sure to say thank you in true Jimin fashion. That time around they didn't leave the bed until the sun was setting and when they did their hearts were light and humming despite the soreness in their muscles. Later that night Jimin felt too restless to sleep so he just stayed up admiring the way the moonlight highlighted Seokjin's sharp features. What he was feeling was definitely happiness and he could definitely get used to it. Jimin chuckled to himself. He didn't think people like him, whores and monsters, were granted happy endings. But, come to think of it, his wasn't a happy ending. It was just the beginning. And his beginning was a selfless actor named Kim Seokjin.

#btsboulangerie

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chroniclerofthedeep-blog · 6 years ago

Text

Swift - A “Cradle” Story

Some context before the story: This work is part of my “Cradled” universe, but was actually created for Inktober 2017. Instead of drawing the words given, I decided to try and write them. I didn’t finish the challenge after this mainly because the storylines were never able to really stay focused but regardless, here it is.

He ran swiftly through the corn, he had to get away. The angry shouts followed after him and he glanced over his shoulder as he run. Suddenly, his booted foot caught on something in the mud and he was sent sprawling into a ditch. He started to stand up but instead pressed himself down against the wet earth as he squeezed his eyes shut, the noise getting louder.

“Where’d he go?”

“Earth’s sake, you lost him!”

“No I didn’t come on, he always heads to the same place!”

The voices continued on past and for once in a month, Daniel knew he wasn’t being beaten up after this Friday at school. He slowly raised his head up as he heard the voices fading and slowly rose as they vanished from his ringing ears.

He looked down at himself and gave an exasperated sigh, uselessly giving a few wipes at the mud on him and his clothing before he shook his head and went to pick up the bag. But next to that bag was a clean white strut. His eyes slowly traveled up the white strut to find it was connected to a clean white body and then, a black face with a simple blue circle.

“Hello young man.” the gentle male voice said, a smooth white arm going down to pick up the abandoned bag as Daniel jumped back.

There was an awkward silence as Daniel looked at the robot before and the robot looked back.

“Am I…scaring you?” it asked, reaching out with the bag-ladened hand.

Daniel quickly shook his head. “Naw…you ain’t. Just….never seen a bot before like you.” He slowly reached out a hand and took his bag back, moving to sling it over his shoulder.

“That would make sense, out here in Omana province. The furthest from New Heart and Artami province. Your people are farmers….I am not made for such work.”

It seemed so light-hearted but all Daniel could feel was a sense of awkwardness. It had no face, only a single, perfect blue circle set against a black screen.

“My lack of a face disturbs you.” it said. It quickly added after Daniel’s shocked face “I am programed to read faces and your eyes have been locked on my own face since we met.”

“Why didn’t they…you know. Give you two eyes.”

“I do not know why…but what I want to know is why those three boys were chasing you.”

“No reason.” Daniel gave a little huff and started to walk off.

“Wait, are you heading back into town.” the robot said as it shifted itself to face the retreating figure.

“No, I’m going home…” Daniel said as he started off.

“Oh, I see. Well, I wish you a good day then young man.”

With this intonement, the robot suddenly started walking off back where the group of boys had been coming from.

Daniel started moving off himself, pausing as he looked back before he gave a sigh and hurried after the robot.

“Hey, wait up!”

The robot paused and tilted itself back to watch him come running up along the path. “Have you decided to accompany me into town.”

Daniel shrugged as he started to push into the corn. “Hey, I couldn’t leave you alone out here to just go stumbling around…”

“I would not be stumbling, I have GPS and know exactly where town is…”

The two continued off into the corn.

“Hey, what are you even doin’ out here?” Daniel asked.

#scifi #writing #short story #robots #alien world #field

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