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xzaddyzanakinx · 8 months ago

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Not That Kind of Guy

Part Four: Stalker!Anakin Skywalker × femme reader series

Warnings: stalking, weirdo behavior, psychotic/delusional behavior, possessive/protective, sexism/misogyny, one-sided relationship, sexual content, pervy behavior, male masturbation, panty kink, sex daydreams [eventual warning for smut; be sure to pay attention to future warnings in the series]

Info: Anakin is doing his very best, he just loves you and wants you to be comfy around him. Just let him worm his way into your heart babe [diary entries from Ani] extremely not proofread. I’m illiterate so apologies in advance MDNI 18+

Diary Entry: July 8th

Mr. Nelson’s funeral was today, it really was a beautiful ceremony as I look back on it. Even more so when my inner self smears the background enough to bring you to the front of the mental image.

You’d spoken to the man a handful of times, but I didn’t expect you to come. When I saw you accept the invite to the event on Facebook I thought surely it was a mistake. That was until you messaged Luke and asked him to accompany you, funerals make you nervous, but feeling obligated to do something and avoiding it makes you more nervous.

So your moral support was happy to attend and fight off dear old Alan’s corpse should he rise from the casket and set his sights on you.

And I though I had irrational fears, geez babydoll, how old were you when you watched Night of The Living Dead for the first time? If I had to guess it was too young. It’s alright though I get it, you know what movie traumatized me? The Mummy. Heebied my fucking Jeebies so bad I avoided the beach on family vacations.

You’re telling me there’s not a sarcophagus under all that sand? There’s at least one under there and you can’t convince me otherwise.

Solid ground for me only, please and thank you.

🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤

I had a thought that I initially considered to be a sweet reminder of my dear friend Alan. His obituary was in the newspaper and I happened to swipe one from the guest book table at the viewing as well. Have you ever scrapbooked before? I bet you’ve at least tried it.

Well I thought it would be nice to make him a page in my journal. A little celebration of life for the man who gave me an opportunity to grow and nurture my love for you.

Then I realized mid-glue stick on the newspaper clipping that the idea was something that a clinically insane person would do.

I’m not that guy. That guy’s not me.

But the glue was already on there and it felt wrong to toss Alan’s wrinkly old face into the trash so I pasted him into my journal anyway.

Crazy people don’t know that they’re crazy. I’m well aware that little idea was less than tasteful, just felt like I should mention that.

Date:

July 28th

Anakin Skywalker hadn’t been this happy since… ever. The previous record being his discovery of you, was now toppled into second place and overshadowed by ‘Move In Day’.

He could hardly contain himself. It was a dopamine high that he would ride out until he’d drained every last drop.

The movers lugged in box after box, furniture and books, until finally they dropped off the last load and thanked Anakin for the business. He eagerly shook their hand and shoved them out. He had preparations to make.

He set up his Tv, screen mirroring the live feed of the apartment building entrance to the big screen so that he could easily keep an eye out for you while he unpacked his kitchen.

He’d planned your ‘meet-cute’ meticulously, looking to your bookshelf and streaming services to gather intel on your ideal scenario. You were an odd bird, but he liked that about you. It’s part of your charm, it’s part of the challenge. You’re not as predictable in your tastes and interests as others can be.

Anakin formulated the interaction step by step, frame by frame in the storyboard of his imagination until he had the perfect scene. His box office hit that he’d replay over and over again until the next time he stood face to face with you.

It took quite some time and a load of practice. Discarded dialogue, awkward movements that made him feel stiff and less than human when he practiced them in the mirror. Endless options of clothes, shoes, and hair.

Should he get a new piercing? He wanted to. So he did, he knew you’d like it.

It’d match the one he already had on the opposite nostril. It made him feel more complete to add something so permanent to his body, he wished he could do something similar with you. He wanted you to be permanent, so maybe it’s his subconscious’s way of telling him that this was going in the right direction.

He was on the right path. His journey of life alone was coming to a close and a new trail would reveal itself. No more rocky, unsteady tread. No more sharp turns and blind spots, no more impossible inclines.

Scraped knees and bloodied hands would be distant memories. Maybe even distant enough that he could toss them into The Pit.

He would have no need for anger or sorrow anymore.

How could he feel anything but the warm embrace of love as he strolled down the flowered path ahead with you?

Who knew that you could position one box in 83 different ways and hate every single one of them? Anakin was so thankful there weren’t any actual surveillance cameras in the apartment building. It’d be really difficult to explain why he was in the hallway for an hour with his hands on his hips, scooting a box of books a centimeter or two at a time. Turning it sideways and then making sure the book on top was perfectly positioned and would effectively fall to the ground to catch your attention.

He checked his watch nonstop, stared at his Tv screen, willing you to just hurry the fuck up before he vomited from anxiety. He’d waited months for this. If he fucked it up now he’d… well he’d probably keel over on the spot.

Which would promptly traumatize you and not even his ghost would be able to peacefully haunt you. It’s hard to peacefully haunt someone if they watched you die, or at least Anakin assumed it would be difficult. He wasn’t willing to test that theory though.

So, he puffed up his chest and walked back into his apartment and rehearsed the upcoming conversation a few more times. He needed, desperately needed to ensure his facial expressions conveyed what he wanted.

Soft, trustworthy, dependable, safe, caring.

He practiced softening his eyes, knowing sometimes he stared alittle too hard. He worked on his facial fidget; chewing on the inside of his cheek was a quick tell of his nervousness. He didn’t want to be perceived as nervous, he wanted to be confident and sure of himself so that you would be confident in your soon to blossom affection for him.

His eyebrows, that’s a hard one, but he’d meticulously watched bar goers trying to flirt. The successful ones he learned, sometimes use their eyebrows in place of questions or words. A difficult concept, but one he studied until he mastered it.

Now, the other facial expressions and mannerisms… he gathered that information from your watch lists on your streaming services. For the visible examples at least, but your books were just as helpful in describing how he should approach you, speak to you, and simply exist near you.

He hadn’t realized these things were this important until now. Standing and posture was surprisingly very, very important to women. As well as hand movements and subtle glances and minuscule changes of expression.

You were worth the time and effort it took to learn all of it. He’d read and research and practice until he couldn’t stand to look at himself in the mirror any longer. He was determined to make sure you were happy with the results.

He was startled by a loud ping, someone had entered to building and holy shit it was you.

Anakin shook out his hands frantically, remembering the breathing techniques he’d learned as a child, he grounded himself quickly.

It’s okay.

‘She’s gonna love you. She’ll warm up to you quickly, you know everything you need to know about her to make her comfortable and loved.’

‘There’s no way she won’t fall head over heels.’

He smoothed out his band-tee and ran his hands through his hair quickly and headed to his door that was propped open slightly. A few boxes sat in the hall, including the most important one, the one instrumental to his plan.

The apartment hallway was ridiculously tiny, which worked in his favor in this situation.

He heard you come up the stairs, counted your steps until he knew you were almost at the door, 17 and a half steps. Then he swung open the door and bent down to grab one of the boxes.

As expected, he startled you and you dropped your keys. You always wore your backpack on one shoulder, one strap. So when you quickly went to scoop up your keys, your bag swung out of place and toppled a few books from one of the boxes.

Perfect. Absolutely perfect.

Anakin could gloat to himself about his magnificent setup later, right now he needed to woo you with his sweet words.

“Oh, sweetheart I’m sorry.” He said softly, coming over to offer you a hand up.

“It’s okay, my bad.” You laughed, taking his hand.

He managed to keep calm and collected despite his insides boiling him alive at the willing skin contact.

“No, not at all. It’s my fault for startling you like that.” He chuckled, squeezing your upper arm and using his hand already in yours to give you a small handshake. Smooth.

“I’m Anakin.” He said with a bashful smile, dropping your hand and reveling in the lingering warmth your palm left on his.

You introduced yourself in return, gesturing to his apartment door.

“So I take it that you’re my new neighbor huh?” You said, making small talk as you crouched down to pick up the books you’d knocked over.

“No I’m just a one man moving crew.” He grinned.

“Very funny.” You laughed, standing up as you looked through the titles. “Hmm, you’ve got good taste.”

“You think so?” He asked, remembering to make his eyebrows swoop up toward the middle of his forehead to give a quizzical look.

“Oh yeah, this is one of my favorites.” You said, showing him the cover of The Silmarillion by Tolkien.

“Not many people actually read that one, I’m impressed.” He smiled.

“Impressed? Yeah well I’m jealous.” You laughed.

“What?” He chuckled, holding his hands out to take the other books from you.

“This is a really nice edition, it’s similar to mine. I recently lost it.” You sighed. “I think I must’ve left it the park or maybe it fell out of my bag or something.”

“Ah, that sucks… well, I mean I’ve read that one a few times now. It’s been well loved.” He said tipping the books in his arms toward the one you were holding. “Why don’t you keep it?”

He shrugged, acting nonchalant as though this didn’t mean the entire world to him and if you said no he’d sob about it later.

“You’re serious?” You asked in surprise, he was offering you a 50$ special edition book and you’d barely known him for a minute.

“Yeah, ‘course sweetheart.” He said with a cute, crooked smile. “Think of it as a… reverse house warming gift.” He chuckled.

“Thank you, I- this means a lot to me.” You said, grinning widely. “That’s real sweet of you Anakin. I owe you one.”

“No worries.” He chuckled, “I’m sure we’ll find a way to make it even sweetheart.” His gaze flickered quickly from your eyes to your lips, and he turned to go back into his apartment after giving you an almost-missed wink.

You stepped inside your home, and went straight to the bookshelf to put your new-to-you book where it belonged. After the fact you stood there and buffered, just staring at it.

‘There’s no way, this guy has to be too good to be true.’

But he seemed… so genuine. He didn’t ogle you, he didn’t make you feel weird or like he just felt obligated to speak to you.

He seemed to actually, really be a good guy.

Rare. Few and far of those exist in this day and age. It’s uncommon to meet someone who would do something, even as simple as giving you a used book, without expecting anything in return.

But he didn’t seem to expect anything. He didn’t seem to even expect a thank you, it was like he’d already decided he would give it to you before he even offered.

What are the odds that a hot, tattooed and pierced man moves in next door and gifts you an expensive book that just so happens to be an even better replacement for the one that you just lost? That couldn’t happen twice even if you tried to make it happen again.

What kind of second dimension did you step into? The land of dreamy men?

Diary Entry: July 28th

It’s late. But I have to write to you, it can’t wait til tomorrow.

Everything went more perfectly than I could’ve imagined. Thank you so much for being you sweet girl. It made my job of curating the scenery so much easier, you clumsy little thing. I am sorry for having to spook you though, but it worked didn’t it?

Research pays off. Always.

And of course there’s the issue of your book, I hated to see your frustration and your mad scowl when you realized it was missing from your backpack. I really did.

But I’d do it every goddamn day if I knew I’d get the same reaction out of you from giving you that new copy.

Oh god you’re… you’re beautiful. You’re so beautiful. You look angelic when you sleep but you look like competition for Aphrodite when you smile at me.

You smiled, grinned. You smiled all the way up to the corners of your bright and beautiful eyes. For me.

You even laughed for me.

It was so sweet I could taste it. The honey of your voice, I could fucking bathe in it. Just the sound of you speaking, knowing you were speaking to me. Really speaking to me.

In the flesh.

It’s intoxicating. It’s emboldening, it’s dangerous. I’ve never been more worked up in my life. I’m torn all to pieces from at two minute and 6 second conversation.

I think I’ll have to fucking recover from this like a damn hangover.

But what has me so drunk you might ask? Was it your laugh at my stupid jokes? Was it your perfect smile, your radiant glow, your soulful eyes? The softness of your skin or you willingness to let me touch you?

No baby. It’s how you said my name.

I wish I could’ve stayed longer, I wish I could’ve spoken to you more. But it’s so hard to concentrate when my dick is leaking precum down my leg at a rate that should probably be concerning.

The minute you closed that door I shoved those boxes into my apartment and locked the door. Took my elated ass straight to the couch and watched you in your living room, admiring your gift from me while I fucked my fist with a pair of your dirty panties in my mouth.

I couldn’t have your honeyed lips soothing my angry red cock just yet, but I sure as hell could imagine licking your gorgeous little cunt while I tasted you.

I tugged my balls and pumped my cock for over half an hour until I was a fucking mess for you in my new living room’s floor. The cool hardwood letting the heat from my flushed skin seep away from me as I came back down to earth.

I made myself dizzy. Didn’t give myself a break, didn’t slow down, just stroked my cock like the desperate little manwhore that I am for you. The only thing missing was you being there to watch me fall apart.

I think you’d like that wouldn’t you? Watching a man like me get on his knees and beg for you?

Diary Entry: July 29th

I’ve replayed that moment in my head for hours on end. The beginning always stays the same, but the ending… that’s been subject to many changes. It started off simple, we’d chat alittle longer, I’d ask you how your day was; you’d tell me it was ‘fine, thank you’.

Or you’d ask me why I decided to move in, why I chose this side of town, this side of town, this apartment building, across from you. That one always ended questionably and I’d rather not explore that one on paper.

My favorites however were the ones where you’d laugh at a stupid pick-up line and somehow we’d end up in your bed. The bed I’ve sat and watched you sleep in. Those were the best additions.

Now, I’ve been fortunate enough that you’ve been loyal, faithful and devoted to only me since the very beginning. So I don’t really have a clue what you’d actually be like in bed.

But god it’s so fun to imagine it.

You’ve got such pretty, soft skin. You let me mar it up with my teeth and soothe it with my tongue. You let me grip the pillowy flesh of your thighs to spread you open for me. You let me pinch and roll and pull your nipples until they were raw and begging for a break. You let me caress the sensitive slick covered folds between those beautiful pussy lips, plunge my fingers in as far as they’d go.

I took you from behind, watching your perky little ass bounce off my cock while I plowed into you. Your face smushed against the couch cushions and your body folded over the arm rest for me to fuck you like the good little girl that you are.

Against the wall with your arms around my neck while I’ve got my hands holding you spread open and in place by the crook of your knees. You promised you stay real still so that I could drill up into you like you deserved.

God damn. Do you know how good you look like that? Back arched against the wall, tits jiggling in my face with every thrust. Your legs pushed up and back to the sides of your torso, to pin you in place?

It was like a pretty pink flower had bloomed and spread its buttery smooth petals just for me.

Don’t even get me started on how good you suck cock. Have you ever been told you could be mistaken for a warm, wet Hoover? No? Didn’t think so cause that would be rude as hell, but I bet someone’s thought it before.

(Me. It’s me, I thought that.)

Fuck those soft lips. Fuck that smooth snake of a tongue. Fuck that tight, hot throat that just loves to take a beating from my dick.

Can’t wait to prove my imagination right.

Speaking of, my dick has been beat. Like actually. If one didn’t know any better they’d assume it’s on life support, but I’m a freak of nature. Cumming upwards of 16 times in the span of 40ish hours would probably put a weaker man in a hospital bed. Or maybe a psych ward.

But I am not a weak man even if my dick feels raw. I’d still fuck you if you asked.

I’d be curious to know if I’d be able to stave off cumming longer from all the abuse or if I’d be so fucking sensitive that I wouldn’t make it in half an inch.

Probably the latter.

Diary Entry: August 2nd

Being so close to you is killing me. Truly it is.

You’ve sunken your claws so deeply into my very soul and you don’t even realize it. It’s torture. To you, I’m just the new guy, nice dude who gave you a book. But to me? You’re my entire world.

I’ve been told I have the personality of a guard dog. Soft and squishy on the inside, dangerous and fierce on the outside. Which I suppose could be true, but really I think it’s for a different reason. For a human, a dog is one small but very impactful blip in your life. But for the dog? You are it’s life.

Am I comparing myself to a dog right now? Yes I am.

I’ll beg for you to throw me the scraps of your affections until you finally toss me a bone.

Bark.

🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤

I’ve been trying my best to give you space. To plan accordingly and in advance. I have our next two interactions simmering on the back burner.

I know that if I go too hard, too fast, you’ll be overwhelmed. That’s the last thing I want. I never want to be the thing that causes you stress, I want to siphon it from you. So, in one week I will set out to help you with a few of your errands and plant a few seeds.

But until then, we have late night snacks and couch chats with Boogie.

I’ve also been doing- you guessed it- more research to do with helpful vitamins and medicines. You’ve responded so well to your SleepyTime tea and since I’ve started making sure your birth control packet is plainly visible in the countertop basket directly beneath that cabinet, you’ve been taking it so well.

I’m so proud of you sweetheart, that’s my girl, look at you taking care of yourself. You’ve done so well in fact, that it’s in my personal opinion that you have earned a very special reward.

Anakin sat on his couch, the live feed of your living room screen mirrored to his Tv. He was watching you cook dinner, he knew you’d be making a stir fry. He’d seen it in your planner, so he’d taken the liberty of ordering himself the same, it’d be here any minute. As would your good friend Sam.

Anakin had originally burned red hot with jealousy at the thought of you inviting a man over to your apartment, that he hadn’t vetted via social media and a quick drop-in. But he was relieved to discover that Sam was just a girl from your book club.

This wasn’t one of his well thought out plans, this was decided upon this morning after you’d returned from book club. So, he was anxious to see if his hunches served him well. Sam seemed like a punctual gal, at least from what he’d seen on social media and the text messages between the two of you from weeks/months before.

Anakin had the wonderful idea to log into your cell service providers website to pull your deleted messages from their data bank. You really should have better passwords.

The thing he was most worried about was his door dasher arriving on time. It was rare that one was too far off on arrival time, but it would be his shit luck and lack of planning that could ruin this little glimpse of you.

The minutes ticked by and he was alerted to the new motion sensors he’d placed near the LED pathway lights on the paved entrance to the apartment building. He quickly switched over to the hallway feed at the front door, seeing that it was his door dasher.

Damn you Trevor. How dare you get there before Sam.

Not to worry, he’d call for the door code and Anakin wouldn’t answer the first time. It wasn’t much but it would buy him a few seconds.

Though it seemed to be that luck was on his side as it often was when it came to you. Sam was so kind, kind enough to let the delivery guy into the building. Which is technically a security concern but Trevor didn’t seem like the type of guy who’d be able to remember a 6 digit door code.

He was too busy staring at your friends ass to pay attention to the numbers she entered anyway.

The footsteps approached your door and his, Anakin waited until he heard Sam knock on your door before he opened his. Trevor stood patiently as Anakin slowly counted out his tip in cash and thankfully you were quick to let your friend inside. After the exchange was complete Anakin gave you a smile and wave.

He could’ve had a heart attack at the response you gave him.

A flirty little finger waggle and smile.

He had to remind himself to breathe and keep his expression a happy-neutral. He’d hate for you to see his blushing cheeks this early on.

“Have a good night girls.” He said as he closed his door and to his surprise you actually answered.

“You too!”

If he weren’t confident that you were a sweet and loving soul, he’d think you were trying to kill him with the siren song of your voice.

Stir fry had never tasted so fucking good.

Diary Entry: July 8th

Grocery day baby, here I come.

I love that you’re so predictable. I love that you’re so fucking cute and always try to strong arm your groceries in one trip. I love that it takes at least two good whacks to the trunk of your shitty old Nissan to properly close it.

It’s cute to watch you struggle with it, the annoyed huffs and angry scowl.

I thought you’d combust on the spot once when your paper grocery bag of flour and sugar ripped open and sent a plume of flour up on your black jeans. The parking lot was very empty and I was very glad because I’d hate for someone to have seen the cursing contest you had with yourself as you picked up your spilled items. Very unladylike you know. But it’s you so I don’t mind, I just like to hear you talk.

It’s almost time. I’ve been sitting in my car for about 10 minutes. Gotta account for the traffic on highway 76. Do you really have to shop all the way out there just because of the Whole Foods? C’mon baby they have the same shit at Kroger.

I’ve been watching your little blue dot on my phone and you’re rounding the corner so I’ll write you later doll.

I love you.

You pulled into the parking lot and sat in your car for a moment. Giving yourself the much need quiet to decompress from your work day and the grocery trip. After you’d checked your messages and scrolled for a moment you decided it was time to head inside before your frozen foods got… not so frozen.

You popped the trunk and fumbled with the faulty latch, your fingers feeling blindly under the metal lip until it finally detached and you were able to open the trunk.

You took a deep breath and scolded yourself for buying the extra few things that could’ve waited till next time. Second trips are for wimps and you weren’t one. So you loaded up your left arm bag by bag until you heard a humored puff of air and the beep of a car locking behind you.

“Need a hand sweetheart?” Anakin grinned, shoving his keys into his front pocket.

He waltzed over and took a few bags off your hands without waiting for a response. It took you aback, not because he hadn’t waited for permission, but because of the way he exuded an odd charm that made you falter.

“Anakin, really it’s alright I can get it.” You said, eyebrows furrowed together in confusion by his kind gesture.

“Mmm no, this seems like a two man mission sweet girl.” He smiled, gathering up a few the last few bags from the trunk and shutting it with one solid push.

“You really don’t have to-“

“I know I don’t have to.” He said tilting his head toward the apartment building to encourage you to walk with him. “I want to.”

“Thank you, that’s… thanks.” You smiled, a light blush creeping across your cheeks.

“Atta girl.” He chuckled, tapping in the door code and holding it open for you despite holding many more bags than you.

Something about the low tone of voice or maybe just the way he looked at you with his icey blue eyes… just sent a chill down your spine. A quick one that was gone in an instant, replaced by a warm glow in the center of your chest.

“Guess chivalry’s not dead.” You joked.

“I’m no knight.” He laughed, “but you’re sure as hell a princess.”

‘Oh that was smooth.’ You thought, trying to ignore the heat at the bottom of your stomach.

What is happening? How on earth can one man be so… everything? Kind, caring, chivalrous and gorgeous to boot.

You felt a wave of embarrassment at the squeaky giggle you let out. He had you tore up from one little comment.

True to the gentleman he seemed to be, he chose not to push it and tease you about your beet red cheeks. He just waited patiently for you as you unlocked your door.

“Do you want me to bring these in for you?” He asked, watching your movements closely.

“Oh that would be great.” You said in relief, leading him into your kitchen.

��Cute little place.” He said, looking around the kitchenette and over to the living room.

He sat down your bags on the counter and started unloading them neatly into rows.

“Oh, you-“

“Mmm mmm.” He shook his head with a smirk, “Just let me help, it’s no big deal.”

You let out a puff of air in an amused sort of amazement and pulled out your little step stool to open up the cabinets. Anakin snickered from behind you as you stepped up and started putting things away.

You shot him a glare over your shoulder and almost said something snarky until you realized he was folding your paper grocery bags in the same way that you always do.

“Huh.” You laughed. “I thought I was the only one who did that.”

“Did what?” He asked, his head cocked to the side.

“Fold the bags.” You said, turning back around to continue placing your things where they belonged.

“Oh,” he chuckled, “I dunno it’s just a habit I guess. Fits better in that stupid slot on the recycling bin this way.”

“Yeah I never really understood why they made them that way? I guess so people don’t just shove other trash in there.” You mused.

“Mmhm probably.” He agreed, stacking them neatly and gathering it in his hands. “Do you want me to take these out back for you?”

“I can do-“ You stopped yourself when Anakin raised his eyebrow and cocked his head to the side with a crooked smirk.

You sighed and gave him a downturned smile. “Yes, I would love for you to take them out back for me.”

“Good girl.” He nodded, clicking his tongue and heading for the door. “See ya princess.”

After he shut the door you let yourself breathe alittle easier, blowing out the air in a short puff through your nose. Maybe even letting a little smile cross your lips before you finished up your task.

You’d be thinking about that low rumble of his voice later. Good girl? Shit.

PART FIVE

Tag-List:

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devildomwriter · 4 months ago

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Obey Me As Tumblr #26

Mammon: I love NyQuil. It’s just like. Detroit become liquid. I don’t use the measure cup I just chug what feels right. I’m moving backwards through a brick wall rn

Mammon: You could fit anything in me rn I’m so relaxed

Mammon: For sure gonna shit the bed tonight

Lucifer: You’ve summed up NyQuil in a way that most could not

Mammon: Hello

•

Belphegor: Cheat mode

Close your eyes and you can play any game in your mind, even paper Mario

Leviathan: Paper Mario is trash

Belphegor: Close your eyes and imagine yourself being a more likable person, and then open them and weep

•

Asmodeus: How slutty would you say you are?

Leviathan: In theory? Very. In practice? Not at all. I’m lazy

Simeon: The sprit is willing but the flesh is weak

•

Mammon: The names practice

Mammon: Mal practice

MC: Nice to meet you Dr Practice, can you please tell me what’s wrong with my son :)

Mammon: He needs surgery on all of his bones

•

MC: Me giving my Chihuahua two kisses: Chimuahmua

Luke: Bad post

MC: Sorry it didn’t make you Chihaha

•

Lucifer: Don’t ever call me OP you will adores me by my full name

Satan: Obert Pobert

Leviathan: Obiwan Penobi

•

Leviathan: Haha not to scare anyone but the hell does beyond in bed bath and beyond stand for?

Leviathan:

Me: what’s ‘beyond’

Employee: *snaps my neck* go find out

Solomon: As a former bed bath and beyond employee, I appreciate this

Leviathan: What the hell and fuck are you implying

•

Belphegor: I crawl into bed

Sheets: made

Pillows: fluffed

Lights: out

Belphegor: I am forcibly removed from ikea

•

Mammon: What’s a gender neutral word you could use for your spouse? Wusband? Hife?? Wifesband?!?!?!

Mammon: I may be stupid

Satan: This is the text version of looking for your glasses when they are on your head

•

Satan: Could you please put your crying kid on vibrate

Mammon: I CANT STOP LAUGHING BC I JUST IMAGINE THIS KID SCREAMING AND THE MOM PULLS A REMOTE OUT OF HER MOM-BAG AND PRESSES A BUTTON AND THE CHILD JUST STARTS TO VIOLENTLY SHAKE AND THE LOOK OF TERROR ON THE KIDS FACE AS THEY TRY TO MAKE NOISE BUT THEY JUST VIBRATE DEAR GOD

•

Diavolo: The fact that makeup is considered to be “mature” and “sexualized” implies that being a clown or mime is the sluttiest job out there

•

MC: Remember kids: rats are the Capri sun of the vampire world

Barbatos: Hi what the FUCK does this mean

•

Beelzebub: This is so funny with and without context

Beelzebub: I forgot to add the picture

•

Solomon: Knuckle tattoos that say ESCAPED BIOHAZARD

Asmodeus: That’s way too many letters do you have radiation poisoning or something?

Asmodeus: Oooooh

•

Simeon: Gangman style came on the radio again

Satan: This sounds like a post-apocalyptic diary entry

•

MC: Bed bath and behind you

Solomon: Bed bath and beware

Last • Next

#obey me shall we date #obey me mammon #obey me lucifer #obey me belphegor #obey me leviathan #obey me asmodeus #obey me simeon #obey me luke #obey me satan #obey me solomon #obey me diavolo #obey me barbatos #obey me as tumblr

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the-trash-drag0n · 6 months ago

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Okay so now the story that I wanted to put but was distracted by above: trash dragon is a nickname that I will someday write a proper introduction post to explain. The og intent of this blog was to show off my trash hoard. System shenanigans gonna shenanigan though and that clearly went off the rails. Point is I dumpster dive sometimes when I'm healthy enough to go for runs and see a dumpster that looks viable for treasure. So last night I'm getting off the bus and walking home, and there's a dumpster at the entrance to my street.

I try to see if it's a viable source of new treasure cause I see a bunch of books on top. So I approach it and turn on my phone flashlight when a man with a head lamp jumps up and starts screaming at me. Starts saying it's all his, and what gives me the nerve to look at whats in the dumpster, and I ought to find a new one. Bitch I live 4 buildings over. This is a public dumpster. All I did was look. But because I was tired, and it was late, and I was in pain, I went home instead of arguing.

The part that kills me is that when I took my own trash out 5 minutes later, he was gone, and the pile of books I had attempted to look out which he claimed were his were still there.

I don't know what was so important to you that you didn't want it lost weird man, but I hope you found it. Life is weird.

I think the reason why I do tumblr wrong is that the amount of time I have when in control of the body, and I know what I want to post, and I'm not busy doing one of seven things that someone else forgot about but have priority is far to rare.

#dear diary #who gets possesive of trash they don't want?#I hope I never get that greedy

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coltishcaterpillar · 7 months ago

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Unmasked / Platonic!Alastor x Teen! Daughter Reader

Chapter II: Sneaking Suspicion

Summary:

After reading over thirty-one entries, three disturbing pages are brought to light….or the darkness, depending on how Emily wants to look at it.

WARNING: This entire chapter (and probably the next one) depicts a very disturbed, traumatized, paranoid child (who is you, the reader.), who has just lost the person she loved most in the world. A HUGE deterioration in her psyche is seen here.

Look out for: Murder, Mental Illness, Paranoia, Anxiety, Delusions, Cannibalism, etc….

November 12th, 1933

I don’t know what I’m doing anymore, my dear diary. Please, Jesus, please help me find my way back, I’m…I’m shaking relentlessly and the monsters at night won’t leave me alone.

My Pa….he’s not come home in three weeks. I know he will never open that door again, but I wish he would just one last time.

It started with a simple hunting trip. I saw him bringing a large trash bag over his shoulder whilst he was going out, and I just assumed it held his gun and other necessities.

A few hours later, people heard gunshots go off in the area he hunted and now he’s…..

When they opened the bag they found another mangled body….and concluded that my Papa was the serial killer terrorizing New Orleans since 1922.

No, he couldn’t have done anything of the sort. He was a good man. PAPA was a good man. He was. He is.

I read it in the papers…nobody wants to see me anymore. I’ve tried contacting everyone I knew and loved, and they told me to never set foot on their property again, they thought I was involved in this hellish situation!

Anne, James, Elbert, Carol, Mr. Devereaux, Charlotte, Martin…..EVERYBODY has abandoned me!

I wanted to desperately contact Grandma, so I wrote her a series of letters. Her caretaker wrote me a letter back that she went into shock after finding out Pa died, and she’s….well, she’s in Heaven now too.

I just turned sixteen, please. I need my Papa back….my Grandma….

I’ve been in the house surviving off of scraps. I’m afraid to leave again; I don’t want to be shot, I don’t want people coming after me because of what my Papa allegedly did. I’ve lost so much weight, I’m tired, I feel sick….

I’m not ready to be a woman, to grow up, quite yet. I grew up taking things for granted; I thought I would have my family and friends for life. How will I find a job? Will anybody take me in? Can I find a new family?

I’m still here, I’m still here, my dear friend. My beautiful…I’ve not lost my mind, not yet. I’m not crazy, am I? No, no….I’m just….going through some traumatic moments!

I’m hungry….

My stomach is hurting so bad, I’m perspiring and my toes are curled…I need more food. I’ve eaten nearly everything, I have no money to purchase anything else…

Every time it growls, there’s a new tang of pain….

Papa, you would never….you’re a good man, Pa. I love you, I’ll always love you….

Oh, it all makes sense now! Why you never wanted me to see what you brought home, why you were always out late, why you were so secretive…oh, Pa, why didn’t you tell me?! I…I would’ve….contacted the authorities.

Which is what you didn’t want.

I HATE YOU, YOU FUCKING DEMON! HOW DARE YOU BRING THIS UPON ME AND GRANDMA, I HOPE YOU ROT YOU SICK, TWISTED, SORRY EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN-

I miss your kisses and your hugs, Pa. Please….please come back. At least tell me where your grave is so I can hug your body one last time….I’ve never wanted to hear your voice more, whether it be in real life or the radios, please!

Oh my god, what are we having for dinner? I’m starving, Pa….

I have a headache, Pa….please give me some medicine to ease the pain…..

I need you, I need somebody. Anybody. Please….

I never want to see you again. If I ever see you again after this lifetime I will do everything in my power to slaughter you a second time for all the pain that you’ve caused….

I’m going to take a breather soon, my dear friend. I need to let off some steam. I’m….I just need to find an energy source. I’ll be back, I promise.

——————————————

November 13th, 1933

Oh, I’ve found something to eat, finally. It didn’t taste as terribly as I thought, and in fact, it tasted similar to how you cooked our meat, Pa. So tender….so, so, tender…..

The gangster didn’t even see it coming. I don’t think he liked me, he was looking at me like I did something wrong. I hushed him, hushed him well, and said,

“No, no, sir. Why are you giving me that look?? I’m only hungry! I’m just trying to survive! Please don’t let me starve!”

I hated that gaze. That look on his face made me feel like a monster, like I wasn’t justified in my action to cut him into tiny little pieces-

Pa, it’s just like you used to make. I never knew how…similar the meat tasted until now. Why did you do that? To so many innocent people….this man was not innocent, Pa. He was part of a cartel, I was doing this world a favour!

I feel better, I think. My stomach feels more satisfied than it has in days.

I don’t feel any better, though. I just…I just ate somebody….

I don’t know what to do! How is….how is his family going to react when they find this out?! I….I caused him pain, so much pain….

But I need more. I want to live….I have so much goodness to offer to the world, I promise I can be better! I’m not usually like this! I promise to make you proud! To make everybody proud…like I’ve always tried to do!

I know how much I was lacking in performance, I’ve never been cut out for the big leagues, but I am positive I can amount to something! If this world will give me a chance, I’ll be the best version of myself I can ever be. I can, I can! You always said I could do anything I put my mind to, I can do this. I can still be a happy girl and young woman, I can still grow up, I can make new friends. Perhaps I’ll move? Yes, maybe that’s a good idea…

I miss you. I miss Grandma, I miss our talks. The things you would do with me…how you used to sing to me when I was scared of the monsters under my bed, our weekly theatre nights; we’d always go to see Charlie Chaplin, that was your favourite; and it grew to be mine too.

I miss how close we were to each other. We were like….we were like two peas in a pod. We couldn’t be one without the other.

1917, was the year of my birth. How well do you remember picking me up that day? When I was alone, cold, nearly dead…in a dumpster? You saved me.

That’s why….I don’t want to believe you did those things, Papa. I don’t. I have a very strong sense of morality, you know that. I….I can’t fathom you ever being capable of something like that.

I…I don’t think I knew you, Papa. You…

You betrayed me.

Everybody was right, you know. The suspicions people had about you. Anne…she always talked about you with a certain look of fear in her eyes, and I always made the time to defend you to anybody who ever judged.

How was it, that the only person who never saw the signs, was me? The person who lived with you for sixteen years?

Maybe I just didn’t want to believe it.

And now look at what you’ve done. You’ve killed a part of me…you killed Grandma; your mother! I was supposed to meet her up for tea a few days after your death, but time had beaten me to it. What ever will I do, without your love?

I miss you, Pa. And I love you, so very much. But you better pray to the devil himself; that I do not die for another five decades. I won’t be able to hold myself back…from hurting you. And I’ll hurt you bad.

To be hated….to be attacked by somebody you protected, nurtured, loved with all your heart….yes, that’s the pain I want to inflict on you. Your daughter, the person you’d kill for, turning against you.

I love you, Pa, I really do. But….a serial killer will never be somebody I bode well with.

———————

January 10th, 1934

I am sorry. For everything. It’s very frigid out here due to winter, and I’ve been camping outside for quite a while…I can’t feel my legs anymore.

To….anybody I may have scared or hurt, from the bottom of my heart, I am sorry.

#hazbin hotel #fanfiction #platonic alastor x reader #alastor x reader #child reader #cannibalistic #tw murder #diary entry #horror #child trauma

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nc-vb · 1 year ago

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𝐌𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐚, 𝐌𝐚𝐧𝐡𝐰𝐚, & 𝐌𝐚𝐧𝐡𝐮𝐚 𝐑𝐞𝐜𝐬

a long time coming that I've meant to compile a list, but it just kept growing and growing and growing...

the webtoon list includes my very personal & important in-my-heart recommendations. aaaaand the rest are mostly smutty, kinky, and even a little dark.......... do not perceive, just enjoy. and support the official author's work and translations if you can!!

if there are any in this list you'd like a heads up about before reading, feel free to drop me an ask and I'll give you my honest opinion/review.

if you're having trouble locating anything, shoot me an ask (because i have most, if not all, of the links saved).

and feel free to gush to me if you liked any of them!! i'm always happy to talk about mmm's.

[updated july 3rd, 2023] - newly added titles are in green.

𝐵𝐿 = boy's love genre 𝐆𝐋 = girl's love genre 𝟏+ = includes harems & poly relationships ❤ = absolute masterpieces, highly recommended! ! = proceed with extreme caution/heed all warnings

please heed all warnings and tags found within each of these recommendations, as well as my own warnings from the symbol legend above and found throughout this post.

some of these are sfw and some aren't. some of these aren't for the faint of heart and will be marked to be read at your own risk. additionally, not all are translated into English. 𝐵𝐿/𝐆𝐋 are separate from the general list.

𝐖𝐄𝐁𝐓𝐎𝐎𝐍

A Messy Fairy Tale 𝟏+

A Summer Night's Dream

Age Matters ❤

Back to You

Bailin and Li Yun BL❤

Bitten Contract

Boyfriend of the Dead

Castle Swimmer BL

City of Blank

Dating With a Tail

Daytime Star

Devil Number 4 ❤

Devilish Romance

Down to Earth

Dreaming Freedom

Ghost Wife

Ghostly Buddie

Half-Ghost

Harem of LuuAnh

Hello Baby ❤

I'm the Grim Reaper

I Love Yoo ❤

It's Mine

Jeff's Disorders

Kind of Confidential

Little Rain

Lore Olympus ❤

Love Advice from the Great Duke of Hell ❤

Mage & Demon Queen GL

Marry Me!

Maybe Meant to Be

Meow Man

Midnight Poppy Land

Midnight Rain

Mom, I'm Sorry

Morgana and Oz

Muse on Fame

My Beloved Emperor

My Dear Cold-Blooded King

My Four Husbands 𝟏+

My In-Laws are Obsessed with Me ❤

My Lovely Bodyguard

Nice to Meet You

Not Even Bones

Operation: True Love ❤

Pastel-colored Pages

Phase

Scorching Romance

See You in My 19th Life ❤

Selina ~ Moon Bride ~

Siren's Lament ❤

Soleil

Space Boy

Strange and Wild

SubZero

Swimming Lessons for a Mermaid ❤

Take Off BL

The Devil is a Handsome Man

The First Night With the Duke ❤

The Guy Upstairs

The Newlywed Diary of a Witch and a Dragon ❤

The RUNWAY

There Must Be Happy Endings

To the Stars and Back BL

Trapped ❤

Unlovable Replacement

When Jasy Whistles ❤❤

Winter Woods

Your Smile is a Trap ❤

𝐒𝐅𝐖

Abe-kun's Got Me Now! (Abe-kun ni Nerawaretemasu)

A Master, Who Woke Up As a Concubine ❤

And Yet, You Are So Sweet (Na no ni, Chigira-kun amasugiru)

Beloved in-Laws (poor transl.)

Bon Appétit ❤

Don't Blush, Sekime

Forget My Husband, I'll Go Make Money (Aug 2023)

Golden Forest !

I, My, Me, Mine ❤ (アイマイミーマイン)

I Became the Male Lead's Adopted Daughter

I Can't Keep Up With My Stallion Duke ❤❤

I Will Change the Genre

I Will Rewrite the Dead End Novel

In the Clear Moonlit Dusk ❤ (Uruwashi no Yoi no Tsuki)

It's My Destiny to Be the Hero's Saviour !

Kubo Won't Let Me Be Invisible

Love's in Sight!

Loving Yamada at Lv 999 ❤❤❤

Male Lead, I'll Respect Your Taste !

Ookami no Musume ❤❤

Pink and Habanero ❤ (Pink to Habanero)

Protected by My Dragon Knight (Seijo wa Ryuukishi-sama ni Mamorarete)

Scary Faced High Schooler and Miss Plain Jane

Second Life of a Trash Princess

Sinking too deep in your rabbit hole, now I'm drowning in your love

Stella Next to Me ❤ (Tonari no Stella)

The Cunning Princess and the Shark ❤

The Fragrant Flower Blooms With Dignity ❤ (Kaoru Hana wa Rin to Saku)

The Muscle Girl Next Door

The Obsessive Second Male Lead Has Gone Wild

The Reasons We Fall in Love ❤ (Watashi-tachi ga koisuru riyuu)

The Tyrant's Comfort Doll !

To the Dear F-Phantom of the Opera (Shinai naru F e: Opera-za no Kaijin)

Toilet-Bound Hanako-kun ❤ (Jibaku Shounen Hanako-kun)

Vampire Lord's Greatest Wife ❤

Welcome to the Yandere Cafe (rating subject to change)

Yojouhan no Ibara Hime

𝐍𝐎𝐓 𝐒𝐅𝐖

あざと可愛い✕くんの執着サド交尾は本物です x!!!

無能力巫女は狛犬の淫紋快楽漬け x❤!

2LDK IKEMEN Tsuki Bukken Arimasu !!

A Dream Between the Sheets ❤❤

A Gentle Sea Monster and a Lonely Girl !

A Predator in a Skirt !

A Sip of Poison !

Boy's Abyss (subject to change, new read) !!

Childhood Friend's Secret Massage !

Consort to the Fox Spirit Lord

Dark Fall !

Depths of Malice !

Devoured by a Bookworm Girl !

Fire in His Fingertips ❤

Former Delinquent Farmer's Sex Appeal is Dangerous!

From Him to Who? ~Sex With My Body-Snatched Husband ❤

Gokudou to Omega - Mukidashi no Katsuai

Hana's Demons of Lust !

Hare-kon 𝟏+

Heat 200 Meters Away (200 M Saki no Netsu)

Honey, I'm Going On a Strike!

How to Make a Frigid Girl Cum

I'm in Love With Mr. Hanabusa

Lady K and the Sick Man ❤❤

Last Order wa Ojou-san de Dekiai Jouren Kyaku ni Kyuuai saretemasu

Junai - Pure Wet Love

Kuma to Tora ~Taikakusa Osananajimi no Hajimete kara, Kemono ni Naru 2-kakan made~ x

Madoka Exorcist ❤!

Mede Little Roy !

Mr. Tada is a Top Performer

Muttsuri Akazukin-kun kara wa nige rarenai

My Cold Co-worker Obsessively Loves Me

Pet Baby Doll

Pygmalion's Savior is a Big But Immature Love Monster !❤

Red Hot Proposal: Surrounded by His Tanned Body

Sadistic Beauty !!!!

Sakaki the Lazybones Shows His Talents at Night ❤❤

Sapphire Dew ~ Infatuated Gentlemanly Boyfriend Seizes the Initiative !

Seishun no Hekireki

Seriously can't pass this up. - Kohai's passionate sex won't stop until morning

Sinful Nun Pays Penitence to the Serpent ❤❤

Spring Amidst My Wintertide ❤

Superstitious Nine ❤

Sweet Lies Layered Like a Mille Feuille ❤

Tadano Renai Nanka de Kikkonai ❤❤

The Golden Forest !

The Goldfish’s Corpse Lies at the Bottom of the Swamp !!!!!!!!

The Greengrocer is a Carnivore in Bed!?

The Man Who Saved Me in My Isekai Trip Was a Killer!!!!!!!

The Neighbor in Room 203 Disappeared Leaving a Key Behind !!!!!!!

The Reincarnated Saint Falls for the Demon Lord

The Tainted Half !

The Virgin Witch

The Weird Senior in the Seat Next to Me ❤❤❤! (Tonari Senpai)

Toshishita Osananajimi ga Watashi o Shibatte Hanasa nai! x

Totem's Realm

Touching is Better Than Looking

Under the Oak Tree

Until the Obedient Bodyguard Exposes the Body and the Lie of the Fake Lady ❤

"Wanna Cum?" The Pure Taiga Advances Slow and Sweet ❤❤

Welcome to the Muscle Salon ❤❤❤

When Beauty Meets Beasts

When You Are Reincarnated As The villain NPC's Girl And Be Loved By The Strongest Prince Who Is Not A Capture Target !!

Wild Eyes

Will You Pledge Your Love to an Incubus?

Wish Upon a Husband

Yaba Ai Instructor !

You're Too Cute for Me to Be Gentle

𝐁𝐋 𝐍𝐎𝐓 𝐒𝐅𝐖 𝐑𝐄𝐂𝐒

4 Week Lovers BL

A Handless Day BL!

A Hot Wet Job for Three -Adult Toy Tester- BL, 𝟏+

A Kiss for You, My Shinobi BL

A Tree Without Roots BL❤!

Angel Buddy BL❤❤

Bidou Wakadanna Koi Shitau Wa Koushoku Otoko BL❤

Bitten by Moonlight BL

Black Mirror BL!!!

Blind Play BL!!

Can't Think Straight BL

Cherry Blossoms After Winter BL

Confession Night BL

Dangerous Convenience Store BL

Dawn of the Dragon BL

Dear Door BL

DEATH or LOVE BL

Delinquent Omega Belongs to the Beast King BL

Demon of Lustful Hell BL

Desharow Merman BL❤

Die If You Aren't a Virgin BL

Eat Me Up, My Husband BL!

Ennead

Eunsoo's Good Day BL

Eye Contact BL

Fake Fact Lips BL

Frenemies: Thicker Than Blood BL❤

Friends, Engaged

Fucking in the Dorms BL!

Ghost Gate BL!!!!!

Healing Paradox BL❤

He's a Better Top Than Me?! BL

Home Far Away BL❤!!!

Horeta Otoko wa Shin'yuu de BL!

Housekeeper's Love Affair BL

How to convince your best friend to sleep with you BL

Hyperventilation BL❤❤❤

I Didn't Ask You to Eat Me!

I Love You, Nothing Else Matters BL❤

In an Empty Classroom BL

Indigo BL

I Ship My Rival x Me BL

It's Just a Dream... Right? BL❤❤❤

Jinx BL!

Kabukicho Bad Trip BL

Kiss de Egaku Ittousei BL❤

Kiss Me, Liar BL!

Lala no Kekkon BL!

Liveta BL

Love in Kitsch BL

Love is an Illusion BL!

Love Jinx BL❤

Low Tide in Twilight BL!!

Mad Dog BL❤❤

Miscreants and Mayhem BL

Missing Love BL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (<I cannot express this enough.)

My Delicious Dream Boy BL❤

My Demon Crybaby, Maria BL

My Partner Suddenly Got Younger - An Omega Caretaker Plays Alpha BL!

Natsu no Teppen ni Saku BL

Old-Fashioned Cupcake BL❤❤ (has a j-drama)

Pain, Sweet Pain BL

Passion BL

Payback BL❤❤❤

Pearl Boy BL❤!!!!!!

Pink Heart Jam BL❤❤

Please, Candy! BL!

Roses and Champagne BL!

Sadistic Beauty: Side Story BL!!!!!!

Secret Inside My Head BL❤❤❤

Semantic Error BL (has a j-drama)

Sensei wa Nekketsu ga Areba Juubunda! BL!

Sick BL

Sign BL❤❤❤

Sketch BL❤

Speak of the Devil BL

Steel Under Silk BL❤

Surge Looking for You BL❤

Sweet Trap BL

Tabetemo Oishiku Arimasen BL

Tentacle Recipe BL(?)❤

The Blessed Life of a Retired Nian Monster BL

The Crybaby's at the Mean Devil's Mercy BL❤

The Foxy Mouse's Romance BL

The Origin of Species BL!

The Pizza Delivery Man and the Gold Palace BL

The Pure-Hearted Puppy and the Erotic Tattoo BL❤

The Silent Concubine BL!

The Unquenchable Mr. Kim BL❤

The Words in Your Snare BL❤❤❤

To Take An Enemy's Heart BL!

Tomodachi Engagement BL

Trick Turned Into a Threesome With the Tachibana Brother BL

Under the Greenlight BL

Unexpectedly Naughty Fukami BL❤

Unromantic Romance BL❤

Young Lover BL!!

Your Wish is My Command BL❤

Yours to Claim BL

Zenryaku, Onii-chan wa Seijo ni Narimashita BL!

more recommendations will likely be added as time goes on! feel free to copy these recs for your own checklist of 'to reads'.

hope you enjoy them like i did! :)

#manga recommendation #manhwa recommendation #manhua recommendation #bl manga #bl manhwa #bl manhua #manga recs #manhwa recs #manhua recs #PLEASE HEED THE WARNINGS FOR THE EXCLAMATION TAGGED RECS OKAY??? I'M NOT JOKING ABOUT THEM.#i've read some pretty awful things over the past few years... like really awful.#... a lot of them did not make this list.#'Missing Love' has that many !!! and is bolded in red for a REASON-- i've never cried so hard for a MC than i did for Lee Geom.#seriously... it's so awful. and i hate that i found it because i need to know that he eventually has something good happen for him.#i don't really want to discuss it but for anyone's curiosities... i mean... feel free to ask me in dms so i can warn you...#✦ nc vb.

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