#dealership au

[spiteless-xo]

Eren Jaeger is charming.

You rationalize to yourself that it’s because he works in sales—when he smiles at you, when he flirts, when he touches your arm—you’re supposed to fall in love with him. He wouldn’t be good at his job if you didn’t.

And of course, Eren’s girlfriend is stunning.

Dark-cropped hair to highlight her sharp jawline, a body crafted from hours at the gym and careful attention to diet, and tits bigger than your head. She’s beautiful, she’s perfect, and the two of them look flawless together in all of Eren’s photos hung in his office. The two of them seem like the ideal couple. They're madly in love and aren’t afraid to broadcast it to the world.

The only problem is, she’s not you.

But when you start to see the cracks in their flawless public facade, you find an opportunity to tilt things in your favour.

Your boss asks you to stay late a few nights each week to help do some filing while the bookkeeper is on maternity leave. It’s not rocket science and you’re able to figure it out without direction, but it takes a few hours and you’re usually the last person to leave each night.

Usually.

Recently, you’ve noticed that Eren has been staying at work late. He’s typically the type to clock out the second the clock hits 4 pm, so his change in behaviour leaves you curious.

His office is nowhere near the filing cabinets, but if you take the long way back to your desk at reception, you get to walk past his office. His door is always closed but he keeps the blinds on the window open, so when you make your way past you catch glimpses of him staring angrily at his computer screen, or his phone, or resting his chin on his hand as he scribbles on some papers.

What could he possibly be working on so late at night? Sales were down this year due to supply-chain issues, so he should be leaving work earlier, not staying late.

Your curiosity grows like a weed and you find yourself staying late on nights that you don’t need to. Keeping yourself occupied with busy work and walking past Eren’s office as many times as you can. You know that your persistence will eventually yield more information.

One night, your patience pays off.

When you walk down the hall toward Eren’s office, you notice that his door is sitting half-open. It's unusual—he always closes it when he works late.

You slow your steps, approaching his door carefully and cautiously and praying that your shoes don’t make noise on the tile until you’re close enough to his doorway to hear his deep voice mumbling into the phone.

He’s arguing with someone, that much you can tell, even when you can’t make out exact words. His tone is harsh—angry—and you quickly realize that he’s talking to his precious girlfriend. The one he posted a picture of on Instagram yesterday—her sitting at a cafe, wrapped in a dark red scarf with just a simple hashtagged caption.

Eren spits out each syllable of her name like he can’t tolerate how it feels on his tongue. His voice gets louder but you still can’t quite make out what he’s saying over the rushing of blood in your ears. You bite your tongue and hold your breath, desperate to know more, and accidentally find yourself pushing the door open further as you lean against it.

Dark green eyes meet yours instantly, but his tone doesn’t waver as he speaks on the phone. He wraps up the conversation quickly, throwing his phone down onto his desk when he hangs up.

He doesn’t look at you after that and you make slow, cautious movements toward him as you apologize profusely for eavesdropping. You explain that you’ve never heard him speak like that to someone before and you were just worried it was something serious.

Eren grunts in response and covers his face with his hands, resting his elbows on his desk as he breathes out with a huff.

You move closer—soft, slow steps like you're afraid he might run off—until you’re making your way around to the back of his desk. You seat yourself on the wood, crossing your legs until your knee brushes against his arm and he finally looks up at you.

He looks defeated and you feel a sick sense of victory brewing in your gut.

You offer him some words of comfort and a soft smile as you reach out to rest your hand on his shoulder. You’re surprised when he melts into your touch, gaze wavering slightly as he looks up at you.

Feeling bold, you gently stroke down his arm, running your hand up and down along his bicep, feeling the firm muscle underneath the thin fabric of his dress shirt. You swear you can see his breath catch in his throat when you bring your hand back up to his shoulder, fingering softly at the collar of his shirt.

He thanks you for being kind and asks that you keep this to yourself. He doesn’t need Karen from accounting to know the details of his relationship problems.

Of course, Eren. Your secret is safe with me. Always.

He smiles up at you and rests his hand on yours. It’s warm and heavy against your skin and when you intertwine your fingers with his, he doesn’t pull away.

You can be charming, too.

[melmedarda]

Modern au car salesman Jayce is great at selling cars because he's a car fanatic. He juggles between the same three suits everyday. When selling cars, he explains to customers the inside mechanics of the vehicle, the specs of the engine, and how they work together as well as how to upkeep. For some he can recite the entire user manual. The women buy what he sells because he sounds like he knows what he's talking about and also, he's very pretty. The men buy the car because they want him to shut up. No one really cares about listening to his spiel on cars and their intricacies. He doesn't have a driver's license. His strange obsession with cars stems from when his father died in a car accident, which isn't healthy but he makes it work (hence a job as a car salesman). He doesn't drive a car himself, but takes the train to work. He lives with his mother. He tries dating, and is really good at getting laid, but the relationships don't stick. No one wants to listen to him talk about cars on every single date. His last date told him that if he liked cars so much, maybe he should date one. And then Jayce deadpanned and said that's not possible. His date told him to go to therapy and then blocked him. Jayce has exactly two friends. One is Caitlyn, a TSA agent who has a singular love of planes and an obsession with the Alaska triangle. Her parents bought her a tubroprop for her birthday, because she wanted to become a pilot, but she's afraid of heights so she hasn't learned to fly. His second friend is Viktor, a CNA who moonlights as theoretical physicist and talks in uber scientific terms no one can really understand. He drives an electric car Jayce sold him. They all get along like a house on fire. To hear the three of them have a conversation would confound even the most socially adept individuals.

[zappedbyzabka]

Never forgetting how real this was

[byberbunk2069]

I'm gonna have to study the new metro system because I have a scenario for 2078 that is *kind of* like the Warriors where most of the gangs of NC get together to chase down Veil and her friends after Veil failed to make good with her payment to a second hand car dealer when she bought a used Militech Hellhound from him

[queenevac]

WELCOME TO THE MOST MUNDANE AU

That's right we're making an AU out of a (used) CARDEALER SHIp LETS GO

[fexalted]

everywhere i go... i'm reminded of him.........

[parallelpie]

First off this absolutely cursed AU was inspired by Lemonomelette and a post they made -X Secondly I imagine it all being about bots and cons trying to one up each others factions and not actually helping in any serious way because their too busy with their own faction bs.

Think of two rival car dealerships across the street one upping each other to get business and instead of business with cars its interstellar robot fairys trying to woo sm children to let them grant their inconsequential wishes (which may or may not be worth it) instead of the other guy next door.

[flowerfreya]

Moving

The Office AU part 5

Pairing : poly!141 x reader

Content: reader breaks up with boyfriend ! Yayyyyy

Lmk if there are any major typos I did this on my phone lol

Masterlist

You know that calling him would be a waste of time but you're a glutton for punishment, “Where are you?”, you ask him, trying to sound normal but your body hit stages of grief in one fell swoop but seemed to get stuck at anger.

“You know that you're not out there by 4 p.m, I’m leaving your ass, I told you that”, he sounds so carefree, like what he did was fine and makes sense.

“I came down by 4:05 , you couldn’t wait five minutes?”

“No, I had to teach you a lesson”.

You look up at the sky like that will give you an answer, but you know the answer, you've known the answer and this has cemented it. You let out a sad chuckle and shake your head , this can’t be your life. You look over to your right and see John just staring at you, actually they are all staring at you. You give them a tight lipped smile and then a thumbs up, even though you know that they must have heard you on the phone with your now ex.

“You know what, fuck you”, and then you hang up.

“Do you need a ride”, Soap speaks up first. You look over and you know you have tears in your eyes, you don’t want to give him any of your tears but your so frustrated and angry and , sad. And you honestly cannot stand being in the presence of another man right now , “No, thanks”, you answer back.

“You sure”, Gaz speaks up.

“I’m sure”, you order an uber and your going to get your life together. Today. First, thing is that you do is go to the car dealership. You already researched the car , test drove it, and just needed to save for the down payment and since your worked at the office to get at least three paychecks you had enough.

~

You're outside your apartment in your new car, well it used but it's new to you and you need your stuff but you don’t want to go in alone. You're tapping your hands on the steering wheel thinking who you can call to help you out.You’re thinking about the scariest person you know and it’s Simon. The phone rings twice before he picks up,

“Hello”, his voice sounds deeper over the phone.

You introduce yourself again to him like he hasn’t worked with you for a month in half, “Hi, are you busy”, you try to sound cheary but you know you are trying too hard.

“Alright?”, he ask.

“Are you busy right now”

“Depends”

You then have to go through the whole spiel of how you need your stuff from your apartment but you kind of scared that your boyfriend will get rowdy when you try to get your things.

“Send me your address”.

~

A black SUV rounds the corner and pulls up right beside your car. Not only does the driver door open but so does the passenger and the back doors open with Price, Soap , and Gaz getting out as well. 

“New car, Hen?”Johnny asks. 

“Yeah got it today” , you know you could be nicer but you really don’t feel like making small talk right now, you just want to get your shit and go. Simon doesn’t look at you as he asks about what they are getting. 

“You all really didn’t need to come, I just needed some back up” 

“Yes, we did”, says John, his fist are clenched and he’s working his jaw so hard it looks like he's chewing a lemon drop. 

“Not really , but okay”, you sas back. He cuts his eyes at you, tilts his head to the side and stares like he can see through the anger that you are using a shield and the anxiety of not knowing where you are going to sleep tonight. 

“You okay?”, he ask. No your not , but fuck it. 

“Fine, let’s go”, you croak out.

As you head up to your apartment, you don’t know where to put your hands and your hair starts to feel itchy. You just need to get in and get out , grabs some clothes, some pictures , and your makeup and go. Of course things are never that easy. 

Inside the apartment things are just as you left it this morning, which of course it is because your boyfriend is a lazy fuck. 

“Finally made it home?”, he says like everything’s fine and dandy and does he think your going to laugh at that. You opt to say nothing and just start getting your stuff ready. 

“Need any help getting stuff together?” , ask Soap

“Who is that ?”, that gets your ex to come out and find you. 

“They are helping me move”, you don’t look at him just continue getting your stuff and putting it in duffels. 

“What do you mean, move”, now he sounds confused like he can’t believe this.

You look at him then , eyes squinted , getting pissed off all over again, “did you really think that I was going to stay after that ?” 

“You're making a big deal out of nothing” , he argues back.

“No, I am not, we are done” 

Then he starts to do this weird whine thing , like he’s trying to make himself cry. He comes over to you and grabs you by the knees and begs , “please don’t leave me, please”. 

You shove him away from you but he tries to come back to you but they all three step in front of you like a wall. 

“Wouldn’t do that if I were you”, Simon says darkly. 

He keeps begging, and honestly it’s embarrassing, and it starts to make you feel better. He’s getting what he deserves. He continues to beg until you leave with your stuff. 

Once you get down the parking lot and your stuff in your car you turn back to the men that helped you, “Thank you, next beer on me” , you say with a smile. 

“We’ll take you up on the offer now” ,Soap laughs. 

“Oh”, you really didn’t think they would. You were being polite, to be honest. 

“Can we reschedule, I was hoping to go to sleep early today” , you say with a sad smile. 

“Where are staying”, Simon ask 

“Oh a hotel”, hopefully for your car or the office but they don’t need to know that. 

“Oh yeah, which one?, ask Gaz. 

“You know, down the street.”, is there one down the street? You hope so. 

“Did you make a reservation?”,  asked Soap. You turn towards him feeling a little bit overwhelmed with all the questions. 

“Ummmmm, yes” , no but you're going to make one when you ask for a room , right. It should be fine. 

~

They don’t believe you, not for one second. They want to take care of you, feed you , house you but they don’t want to scare you. It’s hard for them , they want to fully send it, that's what they usually do and it works for them but you're different, they can tell. For now, they need to start slow, at least as slow as they can. They get you in the car and have Price drive yours to the hotel that they deem the safest and nicest. They make sure that Price is the first to arrive, that he pays for the nicest room and when they move past the front desk without having to check in , they tell you to not worry about it. They take care of you, make sure you're safe and when you fall asleep without getting anything done, they unpack for you and the only payment they need is so they each get a pair of panties.

[picabrush]

?

holy shit Killswap Bill owns a fucking car dealership. He owns a used car dealership and he overprices vehicals and has a shitty rabbit mascot costume. The stars have aligned.

[spiteless-xo]

part two of this snippet

After that night, you spend more time in Eren Jaeger’s office after hours.

Eren is tired all the time. You notice it more clearly when you’re looking down at him from your perch on his desk. He has dark bags under his eyes and his hair isn’t quite as shiny as it usually is, now haphazardly thrown into a bun in the back of his head.

He doesn’t talk about his girlfriend when the two of you are together. He asks about you and your life, taking an interest in your hobbies, and listening to the music you share with him. Eren is a gentleman, and despite how low you tug your shirt before walking into his office, he keeps his eyes fixed on your face.

You’re frustrated.

On Friday, you bring a bottle of wine with you to the office. You stick it in a gift bag and write out a little card, licking the envelope shut in the morning before tearing it open again later that day. You bring it with you to Eren’s office after everyone else has left and you ask if he wants to have some with you.

It’s a gift, but I can’t finish it myself.

He smiles, rolling back in his chair, allowing space for you to sit on the desk with your legs dangling off the edge between his thighs. You take turns drinking from the bottle and not talking about his girlfriend.

He rolls the sleeves of his dress shirt up to his elbows and you admire the veins that dance across his tanned forearm. His hands are big—bigger than yours—with thick fingers adorned with silver rings. You imagine what the cool metal of the rings would feel like on your body.

When you see the pink flush on the tops of Eren’s cheeks, you start to feel a little bold. When you grab the bottle from his hands you brush your fingers against his. When you laugh at his jokes, you rest your palm on his shoulder. You’re three-quarters finished with the bottle when your hand cups his face and you’re still not talking about his girlfriend.

He looks up at you with hazy emerald eyes, narrowed in a silent warning but he slides his chair closer until your toes are resting on the tops of his thighs, your heels kicked off on the ground after the first few sips. His hands run up and down your thighs, fingertips brushing the bottom hem of your skirt as your breath catches in your throat.

Eren tells you that he should probably get going, but his eyes don’t leave yours. You ask him to stay by wrapping your legs around his waist and pulling him close until he’s looking up at you with his chin resting between your breasts. He says that he can’t but when you ask why, he doesn’t mention his girlfriend.

You bring a palm to your chest and slowly undo the buttons of your blouse. Eren’s breath visibly hitches and you watch his eyes dart down—finally—as he watches you reveal your breasts.

His hands lift from your thighs, sliding up your hips and your waist until they’re pressed against your ribs. He brushes his thumbs across the lace of your bra and you shiver when he passes over your nipples. You swallow thickly and arch forward into his touch, urging him to grab you harder—to ravage you.

But he flinches and rolls away, pulling out of your grasp and spinning in his chair until he’s faced away from you. You feel the burn of embarrassment in your gut as you pull your shirt tightly over yourself. You try to apologize but he cuts you off. Eren asks if you need him to call you a taxi, but you decline.

He doesn’t look at you when he goes to grab his jacket. He keeps his head low as he grabs his things, but he has to reach across your body on the desk for his phone. You grab his wrist, stilling him as he crosses over you. He finally looks at you—annoyed—but you ignore it.

When you kiss him, he tastes like wine. 

You move your mouth softly against him, brushing your tongue along his lips in hopes that they will part for you, but they don’t. He keeps his head still and doesn’t reciprocate the kiss. You worry that if you open your eyes, you’ll see him staring at you.

He pulls away when his phone buzzes on the desk and the two of you look down at it.

It’s her.

[zappedbyzabka]

[scrompsautobotsrchives]

Amica Endura

Part 2 of the rewrites, Hopefully I can remake the magic. Word count:1.4K

Amica endura is a cybertronian word for one's only best friend. The person you stick with for years, and intend to stick by for years to come, and for bumblebee's case, It's y/n.

It's been nearly a year since that faithful day when you got him out of the dealership and you have proven yourself otherwise, he liked you a lot, and you were a perfect friend to him... But only a tiny problem... More than likely he needed permission from a prime, the prime being Optimus, but where was he ??

So late at night when you were asleep, he drove out and took the roads to hopefully find him, just a hint... anything... Soon after almost an hour of driving...

"Ca... ll... Au...ts" A signal was picked up, Bee froze in his place and began to adjust his signal to hopefully hear the message better.

"Calling all Autobots, If you can hear this, meet me at these coordinates" The prime's familiar voice flooded his ears !! Yippie !!!

And soon he sped his way to the location of the signal, oh god it's been ages !!

Optimus transformed at a nearby hill and tried to boost the signal range, Please hope his crew is alright... He looked down sadly before hearing the familiar rev of his faithful companion.

Bee whirred in excitement as he transformed and stumbled in front of him happily as he found him. "Oh captain, My captain !!" His radio scratched. "Glad... to... see you again"

Optimus looked down and gave a gentle nod, he was so goddamn happy. "Bee... good to see you too"

After a bit, Bee started to shift from side to side a little nervously "I can... say something ??" He finally said.

Optimus raised an optic brow. "Go on then" Fully turning to his comrade, giving him his full attention.

Bee stood there for a little bit before opening up his chest cavity to reveal his spark, Optimus looked down at him, and a moment passed before he seemed to understand. "Who is it ??"

He started to grow more nervous, oh god this was it. "Human..."

Optimus blinked again. "A human... You've been mingling with humans" He said firmly, he was only worried.

Bee nodded

"Impossible, It won't be happening" Optimus looked out into the open. Immediately abrasive of the idea.

"They are my friends..." Bee whirred angrily, kicking the ground before going on a rant. "They didn't... See me... as... junk... they helped... me find... my voice !!"

"No... we cannot trust them, the humans will protect what is there's, we can only trust our own kind"

Bee gave him the softest eyes. Now come on, who can't say no to them !! "They... mean a lot"

Optimus looked back out into the open after a while. "If they mean so much, bring them here"

He beeped softly, but you were at work tomorrow, he can't just say before you leave.

But before he could say, Optimus picked up another signal from a familiar rev head. Bee beeped again, he has an idea. "Let's go to the mall..."

The next night, you were leaving work and making your way to the bus station, But you didn't make it until a car started to rev in front of you. But the fear slowly dissipated once you realized what car it was

"Porsche 911 Carrera" You looked around it, holy flipping cow... you then noticed on the steering wheel a familiar logo that Bee also had on his steering wheel, was it... one of them ??

The car revved again, clicking open the door. You frowned, So hesitantly you hopped in, knowing that is what it's likely asking... the car feels nice... And before you knew it, the door slammed shut, the engine roared and sped off down the road.

"Woah Woah WOAH !!" You held on for dear life.

The car revved again and went faster just to tease you a little bit, it wasn't long before the police got involved from all the stunt's its been performing.

"Pull over !!" One officer managed to get next to you.

"I'M NOT DRIVING !!" You screamed out.

They flicked the lights on and tried to speed up, but not on this autobot's watch, he has a few tricks up his sleeve.

He swirled around and started to drive in reverse, first blinding the cop and soon rearranging with you safely in back to front. The cherry on top was then he started to make clones of himself and you, You looked to your left to see a clone of you flipping off the cop, and on the right, the clone of you gave a thumbs up.

The car swerved onto an offramp while the cop was distracted, making him crash into a guard division, You were getting to your final destination, speeding off into an abandoned warehouse.

"Yo yo yo slow down !!"

The car skidded along the ground, flinging you out as gently as it could, and soon beginning to transform.

"Woohoo !! That felt good !! Get some oil pumping you know ?? Damn. I've been cooped up forever dude, I can't tell you how old it gets. 'Mirage, stay hidden. Mirage, don't draw any attention to yourself. Mirage, Big is just a movie, you'll never be a real boy.' But that was fun man, your fun dude"

You were just rushing off from the adrenaline, looking up at him with slight fear.

"Oh right, this is probably a lot for you huh ??" He smiled softly as he kneeled to your height.

You scrambled up and grabbed a nearby pole, ready to defend yourself. "Back up !!'

"Hey woah woah, what's with the aggression. I thought after the car chase we were cool ??"

"What are you, some kind of possessed car ??"

"Nah, that's not real man, I'm an alien"

"Like... Like ET ??" Now where did that come from.

"ET !! The little ugly guy in the basket ?? Look at this face !!" He pointed to his adorable face before then holding out a fist for you. "The name mirage !!

You were a little hesitant.

"Come on, give me a little... give me a little... give me a little tap... give me a little tap..."

You then hesitantly fist bumped him.

"There ya go now were friends !!"

Soon you heard more revving, one light and one super heavy.

"Oh great the gang's here"

You looked behind and saw Bee driving in and transforming, Then soon back at the front, you saw a truck driving in and transforming, this one was super tall than Mirage and Bee !!

Bee quickly jumped in between you and Optimus, He knew Optimus meant well, but go easy on them ok !! Optimus stopped to look at both of you before then picking you up and getting a closer look.

"Who... Who are you ??" You frowned.

"I am Optimus prime" He looked at you firmly.

"Bee... what's going on ??"

Bee whirred softly as Optimus continued. "Who are you... Y/n"

'I... I'm just a normal kid... I found Bee in the car shop alright... I ain't even seen nothing I don't even know nothing" You closed your eyes and looked away.

Optimus looked at you firmly before you noticed his optics softened, Out of a sort of apology, before he then gently placed you back down. He still felt like he couldn't trust humans... But he is open to seeing where this will go, if this is what bee wants, he won't stop him.

"Bee ??" You looked over at him.

He whirred softly, putting his focus on you and kneeling down, Unlatching his chest cavity. "Y/n- my best... friend. Most... Important friend"

Your eyes softened when you looked at his spark, It was so bright.

Bee gave you the softest look. "I want... to be your friend- forever" Soon closing his chest cavity, you looked over at the other two.

"What happened ??"

"Dude... He just offered you ultimate friendship" Mirage chimed in, still amazed by the sight.

Optimus nodded to him and you. "Amica endura, The strongest form of friendship that a cybertronian can ever offer. An eternal oath" He explained to you.

"It's never been done with a human before, so consider yourself the first" Mirage chimed again.

Bee looked at you softly, whirring in hope.

You smiled up at him. "Your my best friend bee"

He beeped happily before scooping you up and holding you close.

Optimus didn't say anything, He didn't feel it was his place, just watching... But he couldn't help but twitch a small small.

Be nuzzled your cheek as you held him close as well. His spark pulsing warmth against his chest, His radio scratched... "I'll love you till the day that I die"

Taglist: @callofdudes

[catsaysmlem]

@icemankazansky​​ ALL OF THIS. it IS wonderful in a lot of ways that we are given very little onscreen. I myself have about 10 different origin stories for him spilling out of my trenchcoat at any given time. all I’m saying is if you’re trying to analyse the character in the movie as is, you have to learn to keep your hcs out of it. 

also cannot imagine using top gun wiki as a canon authority for anything when it gets his physical description itself wrong like...if anyone’s using that as reference I legally get to tie them up and tape their eyelids to their forehead and make them watch the movie on repeat till they can correctly tell me what colour his eyes and hair are. 

it's actually pretty astounding to me that ice's completely fan-made high ranking military dad and well respected military family are now being treated as established points of reference in canon from which to analyse his character and dynamic with mav. like I hate to remind but we literally have zero information on this man's backstory, he just is THAT iconic on his own with not even a hint of background details.

maybe it's so surprising to me that this particular hc is now being treated as canon because I've never really been too fond of it to begin with. I don't dislike it but I do mostly see fans using it not as a way to explore ice's character but rather to make him the opposite of mav in every way to emphasize a more underdog status for mav.

[annabelle--cane]

does the tma tumblr fandom know about the madness that seized the tma tiktok fandom (specifically the cosplay side) in the ~month after the finale released? I can't remember the exact order of events, but it went something like

week leading up to the finale: lots of oliver banks cosplays. makes sense, with The End and all that.

the day of the finale: people must have been sitting there already in costume with their cameras and lighting set up to listen to mag 200 when it dropped cause there were some really quite spectacular videos set to dialogue from it within about fifteen minutes.

the next week: cursed cosplays. I think it started with another resurgence of catboy elias (always a favorite), then something Happened to everyone because it immediately moved on to things like the calliope, ex altiora, the daedalus space station, jon's rib, the billboard from mag 74, the metal pipe, jane prentiss's ashes, the blanket (of "never did anything" fame), the homophobic vase, the bag of teeth, the beetle wife, and, my personal favorite, the man upon the stair who wasn't there. most of these were extremely detailed and high quality.

for maybe 18 hours: in-universe in-character avatar discourse. arguments about whether people should reveal that they were avatars in the apocalypse on the first date. it immediately got out of hand, people started satirizing certain kinds of prejudices that it was Not their place to, and almost everyone deleted their videos about it by the following morning so it vanished like a collective fever dream.

three weeks post-finale: the magnus carchives au. they work at a car dealership now.

[the-moon-files]

I was actually thinking about this a lot but like as an add on to your humans are hylian space orcs thing. I am in ✨need✨ of reader trying potions. Like;

"This potion will restore your stamina and boost your strength"

"Buddy that's just coffee"

"Qué?"

Even worse if when the reader tries it it's just like the most not strong coffee they've ever drank. Makes the guys wonder wtf makes humans need so much energy through out the day.

this is such a cute idea, i love how diet diffs/energy diffs in humans are space orcs aus, so genius to apply to hylians

the stamnia boost potion tastes just like instant coffee with powdered creamer (the kind at like car dealerships/shitty offices where its not even a little liquid creamer)

and u spit that shit out like wtf is this bs

and Four, poor guy who gave you some after talking a break from walking, is like "oh my goddess r u allergic?? can still breath???"

meanwhile ur like. "yeah this just tastes like shit-"

four: "oh well yeah, all potions do really-"

you: "-ty coffee. this is nowhere near strong enough to get me back on my feet ffs"

four: " 👁️👄👁️"

you: "u got anything stronger? :/ "

four: " w h a t ? "

cue u researching how to make stamnia potions, across the hyrules, and making them 10x stronger so theyre like an actual coffee shop kind of coffee, and the Links are literally lowkey scared

Time forbids you (and the rest of the guys) from letting anyone else try ur "improved" elixir (s)

bc yes, u didnt stop at stamnia

u moved on to healing potions, (u can now regrow limbs and heal broken bones, the hylians can only take like a 1/16th of a sip like once a week, whereas u chug the whole thing, and can do so multiple times a day if needed)

u also moved onto cooking, bc rlly how different is cooking from alchemy?

and goron spice tasted like goddamn dorito chips, so u used essence of literal lava to help make it more spicy,

ur not allowed to introduce this new spice to the gorons, Wild forbid, bc he was adventurous enough (and snuck behind Time and ur backs) to try some spice

(he literally touched the tip of his pinky finger to it, wiped it off, except for 1 like flake of spice too)

and it lowkey nearly killed him 💀

like had to use that 1/16th of ur extra strong healing potion and everything

u felt so bad, but he did do this to himself,

and Wild knew the gorons dont back down from a challenge, esp since it was originally their recipe, so he (and you) didnt wanna kill them on accident

the sleeping potion u found is just like taking a single melatonin gummy, so u ofc make that thing knock even you out after 2 sips,

needless to say, no one is trying that one, not only bc it knocked Rulie unconcious for 12 hours straight (u got him to try it after he exhausted all his magic healing, and so no nightmares)

but bc it knocked u out cold for 9. that was the scarier part to them lmao, was how affected is their human by this?

i like to think thats how they judge unknown foods and liquids too,

like "do you think this tastes unseasoned? ok should be perfect for me then" - every Link

"oh this didnt make u feel sleepy at all/barely tired? great, id love to knock out cold w/no nightmares tonight" - Sky, probably

"this tastes like that thing you call, instant cough? ko-fee? Cool, give me some i need to run up this mountain" - Wild, for the 3rd time this month probably

"this barely healed ur papercut? sweet, give me some my wrists are killing me" - poor Legend, he uses ur extra strength healing potion as a way to treat his arthritis regularly once a month, but the more chill potions for any leftover aches and pains, esp after long fights being hard on his arms

Chain is simultaneously still lowkey terrified u need that much extra oomf, esp when u run out of stronger stuff and have to down like 5 health potions to heal a cut that needed stitches,

and also worried u need that much and also Wild/Wars/Rulie tend to work overtime to make sure they have extra potions for you

and theyre also kind of impressed, bc hey, youre unlikely to get magically poisoned/potion poisoned like them

☆

sorry i couldnt think of as much as i hoped, i think its bc i rlly just need to play/watch more loz games besides botw/totk

i like know the vague plot of ss/oot/mm/tp/ww/hw and og loz games, but havent gotten into details/lets play or anything yet

i hope this was at least a half decent idea to think about/expand on urs, have a great rest of ur week, and thanks so much for the ask!! <33

Peace out,

🌙

[bambifornia]

Swindle Bakery AU!

Massachusetts, May 13th, 2155.

Swindle finds himself on Earth, nearly inches away from offlining. His entire frame aches, and his processor rings inside his helm. His data tracks can only replay a couple of memories before he slips into stasis mode. Bots chasing him, a shoot-out in an alien bar, him scanning a new alt mode, a ship crashing into the ground...

From there, it all goes black. Swindle didn't come back online until he found a little old lady seated behind the wheel, desperately trying to start the engine.

Swindle paused for a moment. When did this organic find him? What was she trying to do with him?

And when Swindle looked around and saw he was now parked at a car dealership, he wondered how he had managed to get himself there in the first place.

And he was horrified to find out that he didn't remember.

Summary

due to unfortunate circumstances involving a crash-landing and persecution from the Elite Guard, swindle finds himself back on Earth without any memory of how he got there. he's fortunate enough to find a sweet old lady, mabel, who offers him shelter while swindle tries to recollect his memories

during his stay, they both discover the other's talent. swindle nibbles on one of mabel's cookies (because he was damn near starving and couldn't find any energon or oil (and also he has a mod which allows him to digest some organic food, in case he's stranded without fuel)) and quickly becomes obsessed with mabel's baking

mabel, on the other hand, admires swindle for his knack for business. she laments how useful that skill must be and how she doesnt have it; maybe if she was more like swindle, she could save her dying bakery (which is like. 5 dollars away from bankruptcy lol)

the two then decide to strike a deal; swindle shares his expertise in exchange for a roof over his head (and an unlimited supply of treats). from there begins their alliance and they both start to reap the benefits from it in the form of profit.

what they both didn't expect to gain from this partnership, though, is a friendship

---

Notes

anyway that's the intro to this silly au !! if u guys wanna know more lemme know. i will be glad to share more of my silly lil ideas with you all

(and before anyone asks, there's a reason why I gave swindle a new form. he scanned a new alt form before slipping into stasis mode)

as always, the ppl who r still here reading this get a extra doodle. this doodle was made very early on, when I planned on making this au as a fic

anyway. that's it. bye bye