#deadpool and wolverine are so gay it's painful to watch

[charlie-theidiot]

I've seen a lot of people ask themselves why Vanessa was in Deadpool 3 and talk about how her being the love interest was so forced.

I have an answer. It's because if she wasn't there, the movie would be so much gayer. And it's already really really gay.

[bloodlessbelmounte]

Eternity Will Bring You Near - Chapter 1

Masterlist

Summary:

Wade understood that Logan was from a world where Alpha, Beta and Omega were everyday terms, not exclusive to red-pilled incel fuckheads who kept inventing new performative male genders. Wade would've been classified as a Beta. Logan, however, was an Alpha - Wade's read enough fanfiction and yaoi manga to know what that means. Though it doesn't explain why Logan keeps sniffing him.

Pairing: Alpha!Worst Wolverine/Deadpool

Genre: A/B/O, Smut, Domestic-ish

Warnings: A/B/O Dynamics, Blood, Mild Gore/Body Horror, Masturbation, Additional warnings to be added as more chapters are uploaded.

Beginning Note: This was originally meant to be a crackfic but the bitch decided to become a multichapter project instead. I never thought I would get brain rot this severe over a movie of all things. The toxic old man yaoi really is a hell of a drug.

Cross posted to AO3

Heya kiddos- well actually no I hope you’re not kiddos. The following events aren’t exactly G-rated. Scratch that, not G-rated in the slightest. See the author’s girlfriend asked them if they had written anything gay before because and I quote “You’re the type of person I imagine would – you are very gay” and was very surprised to find her partner had, in fact, not written gay porn for a rabid audience (though they once wrote reader insert smut for one of the most rabid fan-bases – BTS anyone?). Lucky for her, the author’s autistic ass is currently hyper-fixated on my movie and has watched it twice. Now I know what you’re thinking: another re-imagining of the icon and highly erotic Honda Odyssey scene that the Tumblr girlies are going feral over? Sadly no, there are over a hundred-and-sixty interpretations of that situationship on AO3 already and the author is not up to that task. Self-conscious and insecure fuckface they are. Oh b-t-dubs, this will have mixed perspectives. So without further ado, let’s fucking do this. Maximum effort.

Deadpool didn’t imagine his epic team-up with his hero of heroes to end this way. With his noble self-sacrifice, blue anti-matter coiled around his wrist, coursing through his veins and dismantling him atom by atom and him helplessly reaching for the matter contained on the other side of this fucking bridge. No, to be honest, he imagined it ending with maybe a few drinks in a bar to celebrate victory before trying to convince Wolverine to hate fuck him. When have things ever gone his way?

You will never save the world. Ya couldn’t even save a relationship with a god damn stripper.

“Not now, flashbacks.”

Grunts of effort and pain as he was on the verge of dislocating his shoulder to just fucking reach the other fucking side. He had to save them. Give Peanut the restart he deserved. Give this world the hero it deserved. Madonna’s ‘Like a Prayer’ was ringing through his ears as he knew he needed a miracle. And just like a prayer answered, Wolverine was right there with him, gripping tightly to his reaching hand and bridging the gap. He had a few precious seconds to appreciate the washboard glistening abs that were explosively -gloriously- exposed to his greedy eyes before Madonna and the pain crescendoed. Oh, what he would’ve done to at the very least get a bit of frottage from that meal of a man. Deadpool and Wolverine’s shouts of agony as energy tore through them intermingled, part of the chorus only he could hear.

White. Everything was white. Burning hot and blinding. Then there was…

Nothing. No pain. No heat. Just weightlessness.

Until his body collided with a wall with a thunk and sprawled onto the ground. He couldn’t get up immediately, his healing factor working overtime to patch up the spider webbing network of atomised damage. Once the pain was tolerable enough, Deadpool stumbled up to his feet with gritted teeth. What did people say? Pain lets you know you are still alive. Well, he was definitely alive then. The smoke and debris in the air made it hard to breathe let alone see through his mask, that wouldn’t do. Ripping the miraculously intact material off, Wade idly wondered why his clothes were fine. Did the universe decide he was too much of an eyesore to strip? Or more logically, Logan’s metal skeleton made him more conductive. Shit.

Wade scanned the destroyed room, trying to catch a glimpse of neon yellow. Panic seeped in when he couldn’t immediately spot the older mutant. Please don’t be vaporised.

“Wolvie? Peanut?!”

A groan came from across the other side of the wreckage. Groaning was good. Groaning – in this case – meant pain or annoyance, which meant functional nervous system. Good. Good. Now, how to get across. Bridge is out of the question, it’s royally fucked. Which left clambering over crumbled walls that blocked the walkways. Goal set, Wade navigated his way over to roughly where he heard the groan emanate from, muscles protesting the whole time. Bright yellow peaked out from underneath the rubble. Logan’s knee to be precise. Wade sighed.

“Maximum effort.”

Wade got to work, moving aside the bricks that had landed on top of his partner, revealing a barely lucid Wolverine and- Holy shit. Big fuck off piece of metal shelving right through the stomach. Wade was pretty sure the only reason Logan wasn’t bisected was because of those metal bones of his.

“Take a deep breath, Honey Badger, this is going to hurt worse than the reviews for the Borderlands movie. Can you believe they’ve gotten a nine percent critics score on Rotten Tomatoes while we have a seventy-eight? They weren’t too happy about all the rectal stabbings. Have they not heard of queer allegory? Though we’re ninety-five from audiences. Must be all the sexual tension between us.”

As Wade was prattling on – partly running his mouth as always and partly to distract Logan – he unsheathed his katanas and slotted them into the wound and wiggled them under the metal.

“The fuck are y’doing, Bub?” Logan seethed through gritted teeth, trying to sit up only to be pushed back down again by the merc.

See Wade wasn’t always an idiot- “Hey I take offence to that.” -but he could have a smart idea every once in a while, such as now. Knowing that he did not possess the strength to pull out - “My pull-out game is strong I’ll have you know.” - the sheet of metal, a proper application of force would allow him to lever it out. Taking turns with what katana he pushed down on, he eventually worked the shelf out far enough for him to straddle the other man’s lap and rip it out the rest of the way with a wet squelch. Next to come out were his beloved weapons which he wiped in his elbow crease then re-sheathed.

Immediately Logan’s thatched lickable abs started to knit themselves back together. And Wade couldn’t stop his hands from wandering; tracing up his chest and neck to grab those blowjob handles, lean down, and finally kiss the crotchety old fuck like he’d been dying to for the past seventy-two hours. Because in for a penny in for a pound, who knows if he’d see him again when all is said and done. Logan went stiff beneath him and Wade froze in place, knowing in his bones that he was going to get pushed off. But then Logan relaxes and his arms wrap around Wade’s waist to pull him closer, his tongue sweeps across the seem of scarred lips asking for entry. Which is enthusiastically granted. Blood and iron assaults Wade’s taste buds as teeth knock and tongues dance. Of course, being over two hundred would make Wolvie a great kisser, the man wasn’t contractually allowed a flaw under Disney. As much as Wade would have loved to carry on sloppily making out and maybe slip his hand down what remains of Logan’s suit, he knew that even though he wouldn’t mind beating the crap out of a bureaucrat with a raging hard-on, the man beneath him probably would. And so semi-reluctantly Wade broke away with a sigh, Logan’s hands shifting to lightly grasp his hips.

“We should show that motherfucker upstairs just how alive we are.”

Of course, you gays, gals, and non-binary pals know what happens after that. We march our asses up to those pencil pushers resulting in two iconic lines – one of which is an Oscar-worthy delivery of my favourite word. There were some extreme levels of sexual tension between B-15 and Peter, Logan and I regenerate my timeline meaning my plan fucking worked and Logan got to stay here. We also got a fat stack of compensation each for our efforts. Now we cut to shawarma and see things from a grumpy puppy’s perspective.

Logan knew to expect some differences between this universe and his original such as there still being living X-men. And he knew that there was the fundamental difference of a lack of secondary sexes here but the distinct absence of pheromones everywhere made the air here seem… cleaner? Almost overwhelming in its purity. The scent of pollution, of food being prepared, of dog piss on the pavement undiluted. No Alphas peacocking. No Omegas trying to suppress and get by. Just “average” people living average lives. Like what was happening in front of him.

Logan, with arms crossed over and leaning against a wall, watched in amusement (not that he’d ever admit to it) as Wade went to place his order at the shawarma place he had led him to.

“I’ll have one beedo beedo, a chocobo supreme, and a mountain boo bah. What would you like Honey Badger?” Wade asked his elbow on the counter top, head resting on his hand as his body was turned to face his partner, ignoring how the server was looking at him like he’d grown three heads.

“Sir, this is a shawarma joint, we only do shawarma here. I have no idea what a beedo beedo is-” The kid behind the counter tried to inform the ADHD-riddled regenerator only to be met with a finger over his lips as he was promptly shushed.

“We do the talking sweetums, you just be a little patient. Wolvie? Anything in mind?”

Some rest would be a good start, then a shower and bottle of whiskey. An explanation on that kiss back there. But food was a good start.

“Ignore his ramblings, he’s had multiple head injuries over the last few days. We’ll have two beef and one chicken, all the salad. Obviously tarator sauce in the beef and toum in the chicken. As for drinks, give us whatever beer y’d recommend.” Logan noticed Wade’s jaw drop out the corner of his eye as he rattled off a proper order. The kid behind the counter pushed the finger on his lips away and nodded, inputting the order and printing off the details to pass to the cook. “What? Did y’think I’d never had this before?”

Wade blinked at him, “Well… uh… to be honest yeah. Didn’t take you for the adventurist foodie type.”

“Need I remind y’of just how old I am, Bub? I was around when immigrants introduced this to the country.”

“Oh, so you’re the original trendsetter for your universe. Speaking of, I’ve seen the fanfictions and read the yaoi, did your world have fated pairs and heat cycles? Do male Omegas just have a dick and ass or do they have a vagina too? Or did they just have a vagina? Did you have to take suppressors for your ‘Alpha Ruts’ to reign in your primal instincts?” Wade’s eyes shone with curiosity as he fired off questions, “Oh are we going to have to deal with those now that you’re in residence here? Maybe I should ask that TVA lady to get you like an inter-dimensional prescription.”

Logan sighed and rubbed his face, he had been expecting this line of questioning. Honestly, he had expected them to occur in the Void after Wade got offended for being called a beta-

“What in the Andrew Taint bullshit is that? They have toxic masculinity red-pillers in your world too? And you’re one of them? For shame Logi Bear. That’s why you’re the Worst Wolverine.”

-and the subsequent misunderstanding was cleared up. At least in the Void, there were fewer witnesses.

“In order: Yes to both. Dick and Ass. Yes, it’s a pain to get by without them or a partner. And that’s all I’m telling y’because it doesn’t affect you.”

“That’s no fun. I need the juicy deets,” Suddenly Wade gasped and pointed at him, “Do you knot?! Bite on the nape of the neck? Oh, I think I might just pop a chub at this rate.”

Logan growled standing straight and emitting his pheromones on instinct, “Enough. As I said it doesn’t affect y’so y’don’t need to know.”

Silence. Finally silence. And the faintest smell of something sweet.

“Order up.”

Logan took his two beef and handed the chicken to Wade alongside a beer, his own stuffed into a jacket pocket. They sat outside the shop in silence and in the time it took for Logan to wolf down one and a half of his order, Wade had only finished half before he started talking again.

“You know, the Avengers discovered shawarma in the sacred timeline.” He said, mouth still full.

Logan glanced over at him, “They’d be lucky to have y’.”

Wade had a considering look in his eye as paused chewing then nodded. The guy still probably had his insecurities and self-doubt that Logan definitely exacerbated in the Honda. Just as they were about to take another bite, barking and the sound of scampering paws were heading right at the pair. It was that fucking dog.

“Oh~”

“Come on,” Logan groaned, head falling back.

“Fuck!” Wade threw his half-eaten wrap on the ground and began the daintiest clap Logan had ever seen done by someone other than a white girl, “Come over here my little munchkin! Yes, it’s you~. You’re a survivor.” Wade picked up the ugly little thing, squeezing her tight and kissing her on the head. “Oh, all is right in the world. Yes, it is.” Wade turned to him, eyeing him up and down, “So what are you going to do next?”

Logan shrugged, “I’ll figure it out. I always do.”

“That right? I’ll probably see you around,” A small smile was playing on his lips as he continued to gauge his response.

An impulsive thought wormed its way into his head, before he knew it he found himself quirking an eyebrow at the merc and proceeded to lie.

“Probably not. See y’, Bub.”

With that, he stood up and walked away as Wade continued to pet Dogpool. He threw the remains of his meal onto a table. A waste really. But all part of the plan. His pace was slow and measured, he was waiting. And when he heard the call of:

“Logan!”

He stopped, a small smile unable to be contained as Wade finally called him by his name. Not one of those childish nicknames. This had been what he was waiting to hear. He turned to face Wade, his expression schooled into a neutral facade.

“Stay with me- us.” Wade offered, pointing between himself and the dog.

Logan walked back over to him, “I thought y’shared a one-bedroom apartment with a lovely blind woman named Althea. Doesn’t sound like y’have much room for me.” Not much room in the apartment or his life. He wasn’t part of Wade’s world.

“There’s always room for one more. We have a pull-out sofa you can use. Not much privacy but it’s home. I only share a bed with Blind Al because I’ve been incredibly touch-starved since the breakup and need my bedtime cuddles.”

Logan huffed a chuckled, “That’s why I had to tie y’up, Bub.” A lie. In reality he had been planning to abandon Wade in that car. “Well, I’m not one to turn down a free roof over my head until I can sort out something more permanent.”

Before he knew it, he was following Wade to his home which was a lot closer to the TVA base and, subsequently, the shawarma shop than he had expected. Just down the street really. Meeting Al was sweet, it almost felt like being introduced to a parent back when he was a young man. And much like a mother, she swiftly turned in ire to Wade and slapped him on the arm with such precision Logan almost doubted her disability.

“Wade W. Wilson, you disappear after blowing out your birthday candles only to return with havoc in the streets and a man on your arm. You could have told us you were dating again. Peter was worried sick about you.”

It had been his birthday? The merc had spent his birthday trying to save his friends -his world – and was rewarded with a thorough verbal dressing down and a night of carnage in a car.

“Oh well, you know, it was the usual. I got abducted, told our universe was dying because someone had to go and nobly sacrifice themselves for the next generation of mutants. So then I hopped through multiple universes to find me a Wolverine who wouldn’t stab me on sight. Found this fella right here and got sent to the universal (not the studio) trash heap. Where I then proceeded to get my brain finger fucked by a bald long-nail-bedded bitch. Seriously they began at like her knuckle. Props to the costume department for that mildly disturbing detail.” Al’s inability to see didn’t stop Wade’s wild gesticulations as he described the events that happened to him. “And after a daring escape from her clutches, I had the best birthday car romp in a while. Became a real pin cushion for ‘im.” Wade sent Logan a wink.

Logan cleared his throat and avoided eye contact, a slight heat taking root in his ear at the implication behind those words. Al gagged.

“Wade, what I’m about to say is without a hint of homophobia: I don’t need to hear any more about your repulsive sex life. It’s bad enough I can hear you choking the chicken in the bathroom.”

Wade was laughing to himself as he meandered away from his now two room-mates and it was only slightly awkward until he returned with sweatpants and a tank top in hand. He shoved them into Logan’s chest along with a towel.

“Shower is through that door there,” He pointed to his right, “You reek of alcohol, blood, and Marvel H Christ knows what else. I doubt I smell much better – not like the Void had personal hygiene products lying around – but your odour can only be described as one of my twenty-eighteen suicide attempts from the second movie before I rewrote the events that triggered that spiral.” Wade looked off to the side, “You readers know which one I’m on about.” He mimicked an explosion sound as he ballooned his hands apart.

Logan was taken aback for a moment, processing that the seemingly always chipper buffoon had tried to kill himself at some point. However, he decided against acknowledging the trauma dump by just grunting his thanks. He took the offered clothes and beelined for the bathroom.

Alright fuck-os let’s focus on me again.

Shut up, Wade. I’m trying to write here.

Oh sure you are. I saw you reading other fanfics and some of my comic runs. And aren’t you on vacation now? I didn’t say you could take a break.

Sigh. Anyway…

Wade placed Mary Puppins on the floor and then immediately flopped onto the sofa, energy levels depleted and a deep set ache in his muscles. He waited for the sound of the shower starting before speaking.

“We’re not dating.”

“Not yet,” Al responded, somehow managing to give him a pointed look despite a) being blind and b) wearing sunglasses so he couldn’t see her eyes.

“The man hates me. Stabbed me many times on many occasions – not that I didn’t enjoy it.” Wade grumbled, sinking further into his seat.

“So why is he here?”

“He had nowhere else to go. I couldn’t just let him wander the streets after I abducted him. Not after he saved me.”

“So Vanessa announces she has a new boyfriend after you’ve been separated for two years and you went and kidnapped one for yourself. That’s a new kind of fucked up, even for you Wade.”

“Yeah I know, I’m a bigger fuck up than Ryan Reynolds accepting that Green Lantern role. I don’t need reminding. Again, we’re not dating. Manage to get your hands on some White Girl Interrupted while Feige’s attention was on the Void?”

“You might not be but you like him. You haven’t introduced someone to me like that since Vanessa. I still don’t know who the fuck Feige is but yes I did.”

“Good because I need some right now. I’m guessing you’ve put it in your sex toy drawer in an attempt to deter me but Al you always fail to remember very little disgusts me.”

Wade slapped his lap as he got up, signalling the end of the conversation. He went back to the bedroom and immediately opened the aforementioned drawer, sticking his hand in he rifled through dildos and vibrators of various shapes and sizes until he found a rectangular packet. Bingo. Oh, he was so going to build a snowman. Oh wait, this is fanfiction, not a movie, Feige has no control here. Wade can just say cocaine.

You guys are going to have to use your imagination here because the author doesn’t know how to write cocaine usage because they’re a pure little munchkin who only ever smoked weed like five times and sniffed poppers once.

Hey stop interrupting or I’ll make this a T rating.

Suitably buzzed and the throbbing ache of his muscles dulled, Wade grabbed a towel and a set of PJ’s to change into after his turn in the shower. His timing was seemingly perfect as he entered the living area just as Logan stepped out of the bathroom towelling his hair roughly, a steam plume framing him in a haze with the lighting hitting just right. The clothes lent to him a tight fit as they clung to the man’s muscular frame, hugging spots that weren’t completely dry yet. Dear lord, was that a dick print? Look at the size of that thing! He needed to French kiss whoever invented grey sweats. Whoever they are or were, he hoped they were getting laid six ways to Sunday. Wade found himself thanking whatever foresight he had since the white tank went near translucent in places like the dips of Logan’s abs and the swell of his pecs. He quickly wiped away the drool on the corner of his lips.

“Nice milk cans you got there, Wolvie. Hope you didn’t use up all the hot water,” Wade commented, eyes still roving over the other’s effortlessly erotic form. That’s the World’s Sexiest Man 2008 for you.

Logan slung the towel around his shoulders, a flush to his cheeks – from heat, Wade’s comment, or ogling who knows – as he seemingly took a moment to study the merc’s face.

“Is… Is that cocaine in y’nose? Y’pupils are dilated. Are y’high?” Logan scoffed in response, eyebrows pinched together.

Wade wiped his nose, “Did you know your pupils can dilate as much as fifty-five percent when you look at something or someone you love? Because I’m loving what a feast for my eyes you are.” He approached the grouchy man and rubbed a thumb between his eyebrows, which was swiftly slapped away with a grumble, “You shouldn’t frown so much, it’ll age you faster. As much as I am all for our old man yaoi dynamics I don’t want you looking like the Old Man Logan who shotgun blasted me.”

Wade patted Logan on the arm as he squeezed past him to get entry into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him. He chucked the towel and change of clothes onto the bathroom’s counter top, knocking over the toothbrush pot and a few other bits. He then stripped off the red leather suit, having to peel it away as dried blood and various other bodily fluids had acted as fucking glue. Bare as the day he was born, Wade turned the shower on and fiddled with the taps to get the temperature just how he liked it. Steamy, the same way he liked his homoerotic fight scenes.

Stepping in, Wade rolled his shoulders and took a moment to let the water ease his tight muscles.

“That’s the good stuff,” he moaned softly, tilting his head back eyes closed.

After what felt like a suitable amount of time had passed, he grabbed his loofah and body wash and went to town on getting the caked-on grime off of his scarred skin. The water flowing down the drain was a murky burgundy as sand, old blood, and who knows what else was washed away.

When the water turned clear Wade decided to focus on… other things. Mainly the beefcake wearing his clothes at that very moment, the walking wet dream he was. Visions of those sweaty tits floated through his mind, making his cock – which had already been at half-mast – twitch in interest. God, he had been dying to rub one out since he woke up tied against The Wolverine. He grasped himself firmly and gave a few tugs to get fully hard before teasing over the tip. His bottom lip was caught between his teeth as tried to stifle his whimpers. He worked over his shaft as he recalled how Logan had smiled during their scuffle in the Honda, how his blood had dripped onto the older man’s cheek and into his mouth – on those fangs. Logan had licked the blood off with an almost feral look in his eyes before launching him through the sun roof. Fuck. He wasn’t going to last with how pent-up he was. His grip tightened as he sped up his ministrations. He remembered the kiss after saving the multiverse as he came with an embarrassingly desperate groan. Logan had kissed him back. Had held him close. Yet when all was said and done, he had been ready to leave Wade behind. What a confusing, grumpy hunk. With a shaky exhale he turned off the shower.

Wade towelled off and got dressed. His chosen PJ’s for the night were lavender shorts and a Hello Kitty crop top. Hey – crop tops were invented by male bodybuilders to get around gym attire rules, so never let anyone tell you men can’t wear crop tops. With dramatic zeal, Wade threw open the door and strutted out of the bathroom. He was not expecting to have two pairs of hazel eyes looking right at him. One in disdain and one in… appraisal?

Laura. Laura was on his sofa. Why was she here? Oh god… did Laura hear him jerking off?!

“Oh.” Wade squeaked, mortified as his body tinged a dark red. “Hi there.”

The girl, so much like her father, grunted in response and turned away. Speaking of, Logan had yet to tear his eyes away and if Wade saw correctly, he seemed to be… sniffing?

“Enjoy y’shower, Red?” The smirking fucker asked, then gestured towards Laura, “The TVA just dropped her off. She has nowhere to crash so Althea kindly offered her y’spot on the bed.”

Wade gasped and marched round to stand in front of the pair, “What? Where am I supposed to sleep? On the floor?”

“I’m not going to make y’sleep on the floor in y’own home, Wade. Y’ll be bunking with me on the sofa.” Logan patted the free space next to him.

Wade stiffly sat down in the offered seat and whispered incredulously to the older man, “What about my bedtime cuddles?”

“I’m sure y’can make do without.” Logan deadpanned but that infuriating smirk was still plastered on his face.

It was quite the jump from it just being Wade and Al in the shitty one bed apartment to there now being four people in the space of a few hours.

Wade huffed and crossed his arms, “We need to find a bigger apartment… Anyone feel like Chinese food?”

There was a chorus of agreement. Wade took Al’s phone off the coffee table and opened up the delivery app he used most, his favourite Chinese take-out was top of the recommended list. He put in what he and Al usually ordered then passed the phone to Logan. His former eyebrows shot upwards as the bi-centenarian successfully navigated the menus and selected what he wanted. It was Laura who seemed perplexed by the menu and the food listed. It was a sweet moment, watching Logan awkwardly explain what everything was when asked. Despite being virtually strangers, there looked to be a genuine connection forming already. Kin recognising kin on that instinctual level only Wolverines can experience. Wade took the time to tell Al and Laura all about the epic battle in the streets and how they saved the world with the power of hand holding as they waited for their food to arrive.

“You know Peter will have told everyone by now that you’re back with company,” Al remarked, petting Mary Puppins who had situated herself on the elderly woman’s lap. “They’ll be over tomorrow, I just know it.”

Wade felt Logan go rigid beside him, was he worried about Negasonic and the other X-men in his makeshift family? Oh, that was going to be a weird meeting wasn’t it. Not because they’d be seeing a ghost of their Wolverine, no. Their Wolverine was still alive and kicking, after all it’s twenty-twenty-four at the moment not twenty-nine which was when his timeline’s Logan was scheduled to die. See, Wade had used that TVA device to jump forward in time and exhume his remains because for the TVA all timeline events are happening simultaneously. So these X-men would be seeing a stranger who looked like their Logan, and Logan would be seeing the faces of those he had already lost in his world knowing he was going to lose them here too. Wade made a silent vow to keep Negasonic, Yukio and Colossus away from Westchester when the time comes. He liked those ones.

…Wait. All that timey-whimey stuff meant that Paradox, the dickhead, was going to set off the Time Ripper five years before this timeline’s OG Logan was meant to die. Was he really so impatient to ‘prune’ the timeline that he wasn’t willing to waiting for the self-sacrificing fuck to actually do the thing?

“Everyone except Weasel – his actor has multiple sexual assault allegations against him and that’s not a good look for us,” Wade interjected in a most likely misguided attempt to lighten the mood. All it got him, however, was Laura and Logan staring at him. “Hey, I don’t keep people like that in my social circle. I’m a good boy. Consent is sexy and if someone doesn’t take no for an answer, stab ‘em. Solves everything.”

Laura nodded at the sagely advice then looked towards the door and stood up seconds before knocking resounded from the entry way. Wade handed her the tip money as she walked by to answer. Food secured, Wade stood up, washed up some cutlery that would be needed and handed them out as Logan helped Laura to sort out the food and Al turned on the TV – Golden Girls was already playing. They mostly ate in silence whilst Wade made comments about the episode that was met with “Shut up” from various people. It wasn’t long until Al was retiring for the night and taking Laura with her to sort some things to wear. The girl was briefly sent out with bedding, blankets and spare pillows for the sofa.

“We should probably get the bed set up, sounds like we’re in for a long day tomorrow,” Wade suggested while clearing away the take out containers.

“We should… but we still have those beers from the shawarma place. In the fridge, if y’d like to have them now,” Logan offered, collecting up the dirty cutlery to put in the already overflowing sink. He grunted at the sight of it.

Wade retrieved said beers and handed one to Logan who released a single claw and used it to pop the cap off. He then did the same to Wade’s, who found that all too attractive, he had to think of puppies being kicked to stop himself from popping a boner then and there.

“Cheers. To saving the world!” Wade toasted, clinking his bottle against Logan’s.

“To saving y’world,” Logan grumbled, immediately taking a deep swig.

“Any particular reason you wanted to share a drink with me, Peanut?” Wade asked, sitting back down on the cushion he had previously occupied, eyes following Logan as he sat on the opposite side of the sofa with legs spread. Slut.

“Deserve it after the shit we’ve been through. Not everyday people like us nearly die.” Logan answered, gesturing between them.

“Thank you, by the way, for not letting me face death alone in the end. Despite the noble sacrifice, I wasn’t lying when I said I was scared,” Wade said, shifting in his seat to bring both his feet up. It just never felt right to have them on the floor.

Logan growled, “Couldn’t exactly let y’. As I said, I had nothing left to live for. Would have left me stranded here with no fucking clue who anyone was if y’had succeeded. Asshole move on y’part.”

Wade nursed his beer as Logan spoke. Truthfully, he hadn’t thought that far ahead in his rushed plan to save everyone. He placed his drink on the coffee table and tried looking anywhere but at the man casually spread across his sofa. Candid moments came as naturally as bottoming to him. Not at all.

“In that moment, when you offered yourself up and held that picture, I thought I needed to save those I cared about. Apparently, in the three fucking days we’ve known each other for, you became the tenth person in my world. Saving everyone meant saving you too – despite the stabbing each other.”

The silence that came afterwards made him uncomfortable, had him reaching for his beer to keep his mouth busy. He could hear Logan gulping down his before hollow glass clinking on MDF resounded through the room with an accompanying sigh. Wade finally looked at the other man, who just seemed tired. Ready to call it a night.

“What’s done is done, Bub. Just glad we both survived to see another day.” Logan pointed to the mostly full bottle in Wade’s hands, “Y’gonna finish that?”

“Oh, uh yeah. Hang on.” In a similar display to what Logan had done in that dive-bar he dragged him out of, Wade necked the bottle of beer, some of the liquid dribbling out the corner of his mouth. He impressed himself with how he managed to chug it down without needing to breathe – he thought those binge drinking muscle memories had long since faded. Once empty, Wade lowered the bottle and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. His gaze drifted over to Logan whose eyes, which were darker than usual (but that may have been down to the lighting), were locked on Wade’s throat.

“You good there, Honey Badger?”

Logan blinked a couple of times and shook his head, “Yeah just… just lost in thought. Let’s get the bed set already.”

Wade nodded and picked up their bottles, depositing them in a plastic bag that contained other used glass items. He then manoeuvred the coffee table out of the way so Logan could pull the bedframe and mattress out. It all felt rather domestic; pulling the bottom sheet into place, setting up the blankets and pillows together. The lights were turned off and the two men got under the covers. Wade really did try to go to sleep but for all his effort he was left tossing and turning.

“Will y’quit it? Is your ADHD so severe you can’t stay still even in your sleep?” Logan groaned, arm slung over his face.

“I wasn’t lying about needing bedtime cuddles, Logi Bear,” Wade hissed back.

Logan huffed and threw the arm closest to Wade over the younger man, “Fine. Y’can cuddle this arm. But just the arm.”

“Yay!” Wade cheered, eagerly rolling onto his side and wrapping his limbs around the offered arm like it was a tree to be climbed. “Goodnight, Wolvie.”

“G’night, Bubba.”

Did he just fucking call me Bubba?!

Wade was out like a light, the physical contact anchoring his racing thoughts enough to drift off peacefully.

That’s where you’re gonna leave it? I thought we were going to Pound Town?! THIS IS RATED E DAMMIT!

This was getting too long for a oneshot Wade. You’ll still get your trip to Fuckville don’t worry. It’s not tagged slowburn. Now go the fuck to sleep and I’ll see you next chapter.

[cannibalhellhound]

Nine people I want to get to know better!!

Tagged by @bangpop91 ( ◕◡◕)っ ♡

Last song: Teardrop by Massive Attack

Favorite color: Black and Yellow

Currently watching: SWAT, Criminal minds AND rewatching 911 with my mom, we're on season 7 and I'm feeling evil with how much I laugh at her reactions

Last movie: Logan but I'm omw to watch Deadpool and Wolverine!!!!! I'm so excited I could explode ngl

Sweet, spicy or savory? ALL OF THEM!! I'm a foodie, I'll try anything

Current obsession: 911, Top Gun and creature design !!! Love my Air Gays and my Fire Gays and creating weird little critters

Relationship status: So single it's painful 👍🏼

Last thing you googled: Black kittens because they bring me joy and I'm doing BuckTommy cat parents stuff

No pressure tags!

@rabbit-factory @cosmictuesdays @decadentworld @bucksbignaturals @autisticbuckley @spectrecowboy @bo0tleg @travellingdragon @buffaluff

[palmett-hoes]

Hi, I really loved your post with the monsters as Birds of Prey! Was wondering if you had any thoughts on the Foxes as Marvel or Mcu characters? I feel like I could see Dan as Carol Danvers and Andrew for sure is Jessica Jones, idk about the rest.

oh wow old post!!

haha unfortunately i’m not really a comics person so i don’t feel like i can really give the best analysis possible, but i have seen most of the mcu movies and bits and pieces of the netflix show so i’ll try my best. also im using dc characters too bc i want to

1. Dan: I think your instinct with Dan as Captain Marvel is spot-on (at least uhhh,, based on the movie lol sorry comics ppl). Her direct, forceful powers and fighting style are definitely reminiscent of dan’s no-nonsense leadership approach. similarly the themes of overcoming sexism and acceling in a male-dominated industry in the captain marvel movie is pretty much the same as dan’s story establishing herself as the first female exy captain (tho sports is way more valid than the military). plus there’s a lot of emphasis on love and friendship between women that dan is ALL about. also lashana lynch would be a god tier dan wilds fc. Dan could also def have that lawful good Okoye from Black Panther energy. Loyal, disciplined, no-nonsense leader. no powers except discipline. no hair. also danai gurira in 2012 with the dreads and the sword and the cape on TWD was definitely part of my middle school sexual awakening

2. Kevin: Aquaman. this is based pretty much exclusively on the fact that jason momoa is my #1 kevin fc and also that Pasifika kevin is phenomenal and mandatory, actually. otherwise i think he has a decent amount of stick-up-the-ass cyclops energy. or dick grayson nightwing energy but i don’t have any evidence for why. kinda looks like him tho

3. Andrew: andrew gets the most characters bc he’s my favorite. i think ur jessica jones instincts are absolutely correct, both in her storyline (i only watched the first season) and her powers. i’ve seen some powers au and the tendency seems to be giving andrew like,, psychic powers or the like, and i don’t really agree. andrew is a very direct character. he’s pragmatic, he confronts problems head on, and he doesn’t muck about in details. to me this really translates best into physical powers like super strength that help u big punch straight thru all ur problems. also i def think andrew would be not just a solo hero but a mercenary (or a detective) because he’s not altruistic enough to be a standard vigilante. he doesn’t care enough about other people to hang out on rooftops all night waiting for Crime to occur. there’s a price for that.  which brings us to the NEXT andrew hero: deadpool. maybe in personality more of a drugged andrew but the superpowered mercenary is really a perfect fit for andrew. also, healing powers have a decidedly tragic poetry to them on andrew. already he’s self-destructive, if he had a healing factor his concern for his own well-being would be so beyond rock bottom it’d be in the earth’s core. even worse when you remember that with a healing factor, as opposed to indestructibility, you still feel all the pain. which brings us to Wolverine and X-23, who have the same thematic points as deadpool but are much more of a personality match and they have knife hands, which i really think andrew would appreciate. ending that sadness train and onto another tho, andrew’s aesthetic and Vibes fit the Winter Soldier just SO well (just that movie tho, not really civil war or anything past that) and a reinterpretation of the captain america story using the twinyards would be incredibly interesting. and finally, one last hero that would work really well for andrew: rogue, only remove the angst around not being able to touch people, andrew would love that. one touch and their comatose? baller. don't fucking touch him.

4. Matt: Shazam. I didn’t see the shazam movie but my dad and brother did and they said it was very funny and all the trailors looked like it had a lot of fun himbo energy and i really think that fits. in terms of matching himbo disaster energy i think i’ve heard good things about comics hawkeye (not mcu). thor?

5. Aaron: Mr. Fantastic. now this might be a stretch but aaron is a character who uses a skin-deep veneer of anger to cover the fact that he’s actually quite pliant and bends to other people’s wills. and he’s a doctor or w/e. he could alse be like,, antman. he’s smart right? hank pym not paul rudd. katelyn can be wasp

6. Seth: Arm Fall Off Boy. no i will not elaborate.             ..... ugh fine, but i'm using my favorite piece of superhero media of all time: x-men evolution, the one where they're all teenagers in public high school. seth can be lance alvers/avalanche who’s a bit of a jerk and has a lot of issues with authority and has a rivalry with cyclops very reminiscent of seth with kevin, but still there’s the recurring theme that he’s lashing out because of low self-esteem and a bad situation and he’s a surprisingly sympathetic character who i’m very fond of. his power is earthquakes but i think the name makes that pretty self-explanatory

7. Allison: Iron Man. cocky, bitchy, and rich rich rich. sounds like allison to me. then to elevate it a level higher: emma frost, rich bitch extraordinaire. also if allison had telepathic powers she would be unstoppable. plus one more bitchy, morally-gray blonde (but chaotic this time): Harley Quinn

8. Nicky: Okay so I do wanna give a quick shout-out to Northstar, the first openly gay comicbook superhero, who’s a speedster which I’d actually say fits Nicky pretty well. However, if i had to choose a superhero to represent nicky in presence and powers it would have to be Jubilee from x-men (... from what i’ve heard lol. i’ve never actually consumed any of her Media hahaha anyway) she’s a joyful, energetic presence and her powers are setting off fireworks which i think is a good balance of nicky being a supportive cousin-parent AND a chaotic train wreck garbage trash man. also gonna throw in johnny storm for a cheap 'flaming' joke

9. Renee: Thunder/Blackbird from Black Lightning bc she’s a fufkin lesbian lol. (i don’t watch the show but i do follow nafessa williams’s tag). now the fr ones i’m gonna do together because to me they have the same Vibes so i chose them for the same reasons. Wonder Woman and Storm who to me have the same  reserved, impartial, regal energy. honestly ethereal and somewhat otherwordly, and quite literally goddesses. also op as hell.  black widow and her “red in my leger” looking for redemption story also fits thematically.

10. Neil: okay lazy answer first: the flash or quicksilver. get it? because they run fast? and neil run too? yea i like to think i've proven myself to be better than such a surface level interpretation but worth the mention ig. so for srs now, mystique and her shape changing powers would be an interesting interpretation of neil's identity issues, but i wanna push it a step further. nightcrawler would actually be possibly the MOST interesting hero to apply to neil 1. because powers still very movement go fast place to place 2. because of the thematic focus on neil's unusual looks and the lengths he goes to hide them, very much in line with the way nightcrawler will use a hologram-projector in order to look human, yet in both cases it's only a surface-level illusion, and 3. his parentage. here, mary would be mystique, which i also think works very well considering mary seemed to be the far more effective chameleon on the run than neil, and also fits with her place as a morally grey character, as mystique herself is often a villain or an antagonist, with her own agenda and shadowy motives. then nathan matches well with nightcrawler's father: azazel, a literal demon, and also where kurt gets his appearance. it's a shockingly coherent narrative between the three of them. then, to also give neil some powers that aren't contingent on his fucked up geneology and rather on his own merit and abilities, Black Canary and her sonic voice parallel the way that neil began to anchor his identity and take ownership over himself through his voice and his sick roasts

and 1 extra, wymack: batman, on account of his altruism, his dedication to second chances, and his many, many adopted children

---

anon, ik it's been a sec since you sent this, so i hope it gets back to you. i had a fun time with it and it prompted like,,, 7 different au s that i'll never write

[crimesofadeadpool]

“Old Fanfic Snippets that are years old that I never got around to finishing” thread

Contains a Cherik, a few spideypools, including the beginning of a coffeeshop au, an MRT smutty start, and a Thor/Hulk smutty start inspired by the Avengers Assemble cartoon, I think idk guys it’s virgin!Thor and Hulk I got nothing for you. And the finally Wolverine/Spider-man because there was this ‘What If’ comic where Spidey goes all vigilante and I swear, one of the lines is “…Logan enjoyed watching [Peter] take the lead.” And it was so gay I swear, I couldn’t help myself. Anyway, if you want to read them, check the cut below. 

It started, as most thing did in the Xavier household, with a game of chess. Charles and Erik sat at opposing sides of the board.  They were in one of the numerous living rooms of Xavier’s mansion, spread out on the rug in front of the fireplace. Since it was too warm to have the fireplace going, Charles was mentally projecting the fire for them. Erik’s hand hesitated over a knight. “Not getting nervous, are we?” Charles teased. Erik shot him a look and moved the piece. Charles reviewed the board, idly scratching his head. “No powers,” Erik chided. “I wasn’t using my powers,” Charles retorted. “I had an itch.” Erik frowned and looked at the chess game. “Your move.” Charles shifted, lying flat on his stomach. “Patience,” he chided. Erik sighed and took a sip of wine. Charles took the opportunity to look at Erik. He was wearing that black top again, the one that clung to his chest. In fact, he was dressed totally in black, which the shadows of Charles’ imaginary fire only added to.

“You want me to what?” Peter had been many things in his life. Student, teacher, photographer, superhero, scientist. And now, apparently, a stripper. “Don’t be so dramatic,” MJ chided. “We just need a male model.” “To model lingerie.” MJ pouted. “We need a model, and you’ve got the best body of any guys I know.” “Flash, Harry-” Peter began rattling off. “No.” Peter switched his incredulous gaze to his aunt. “You can’t want me to do this.” May gave him a sympathetic look. “It’ll be fun.” “Fun,” he repeated. And here he thought Deadpool was the one supposed to provide the dirty innuendo in his life. These people were supposed to be normal. MJ grinned at him. “Come on Tiger. You know you’re going to say yes eventually. So let’s cut to the chase.” Peter sagged. “Fine.”

Peter leant against the counter, flipping through a biology book. He was technically on duty, but the coffee shop’s clients always dwindled after noon. He turned the page, then looked up as the bell attached to the door rang. A very handsome man walked in, with gorgeous eyes. Peter blushed. “Hi,” he said, automatically plastering a smile on his face. “What can I get you?” “Black coffee. No, wait, with milk. So white. Why are they called that? Black coffee’s actually brown, isn’t it, and white is like honey brown, depending on how much you put in. Actually while we’re on the topic, why is it called ‘straight’ coffee? Like does that mean when coffee has stuff in it, it’s gay? And if so, can we start calling that? Claim the sugar-filled coffee away from the homophobes? That would serve them right. Wait till their coffee addiction kicks in and they come crawling to us, begging for sugar and preaching equality.” He nodded to himself. “Also, I want honey, marshmallows, whole milk and six teaspoons of sugar. Oh and I’m Wade.” Peter blinked at him. “What?” The man pouted. “Coffee. Make.” Peter frowned. “So your order is…” “Coffee, milk, honey, marshmallows, six sugars.” He nodded. “Six.” Peter repeated. “And my name is Wade,” the man confirmed, nodding. “You’re cute,” he added. “What?” “I said you’re cute. You know, for a barrister.” Peter blinked twice, unsure how to respond. He moved to the other side of the counter and began making the drink. “You mean barista,” he said finally. “A barrister is a lawyer.” Wade stuck out his tongue. “Hey, I’m flirting with you. You’re supposed to compliment me back.” Peter looked him over. “Uh…” He spooned in the sugar and handed it over quickly. “Here’s your drink.” Wade stuck out his lower lip. “Thanks,” he said with a hint of sadness. He handed over the money. “Keep the change.” Then he walked out. Peter blinked twice. He looked down at the twenty dollar note. “Okay,” he said to himself.

~

MJ grinned at Peter and bumped her hip against him. “What’s wrong, Tiger?” Peter looked at her. “What do you mean?” He cast another look at the door as a new set of customers came in. “You’re expecting someone,” she accused as she moved to take their order. “I’m not,” he said after he had made their drinks, one black, one plain milk. She gave him a look. “Sure you’re not.” “I’m not.” It had been two days since Wade had come in. Peter wasn’t sure why, but he kept waiting for him to come back. He didn’t mean to. He hadn’t told anyone about the weird encounter yet, because he still wasn’t sure what, if anything, had happened. “Then stop checking out everyone who comes in,” MJ teased. “I’m not-” he sighed. “It’s nothing.” He began cleaning off the espresso machine. “Uh-huh,” MJ said doubtfully. The door chimed again. This time Peter refused to look up. Which turned out to be a mistake when the cheerful voice of Wade filtered through the café. Peter’s head darted up. Wade didn’t notice him, his gaze on MJ. “What can I get you?” she asked in a deep voice. Peter felt a stab of jealousy at MJ and her flirty personality. Of course she’d find him attractive too. Who wouldn’t? “Cinnamon Dolce Latte. With lots of sugar.” MJ raised an eyebrow. “Sugar,” she repeated. “Lots of it.” “Name?” “Wade,” Wade replied happily. From behind the bench, hidden from view, Peter blushed. Wade moved away from the counter to wait for his order. MJ handed Peter the note with his order, and then caught his eye. She folded her arms. “Tiger?” she demanded with a raised eyebrow. Peter looked away hurriedly. “Weird order, huh?” he said non-chalantly.

“Ooh, ice cream.” Wade said, slinging his arm over Peter’s shoulders and tried to redirect him towards the shop. Peter gave him an annoyed look. “No.” He pulled away and kept walking. Wade pulled a face. “But ice cream.” Peter didn’t respond, and Wade had to walk quickly to catch up. When he reached him, he hugged Peter from behind. “I’ll make it good for you,” he teased. Peter froze. A few things ran through his mind, ending with, “What does that even mean?” Wade let his hands wander. “This and that.” Peter scowled. “We’re in public.” He was flushed and pointedly ignoring the looks some passer-by’s were giving them. “Then let’s go to the ice cream shop, it’ll be more private.” He whispered the last word. Peter pushed him away. “You really have no idea how to be seductive, do you?” Wade grinned. “I was still good enough for you to recognise it as seduction,” he pointed out. “But you’re right, let’s discuss this. Over ice cream.” Peter closed his eyes. “Is there any way to get out of this?” “Nope!” He grabbed Peter’s hand and pulled him across the road. Peter sighed. The door chimed as they entered the shop. Wade pushed him into one of the little tables. Peter obediently sat down as Wade ordered. There was a mother sitting with her two children across the room. She cast the mask-less Wade a suspicious look, but smiled when Peter gave her an apologetic look. Peter tapped the table idly as the two kids fought over something. He was trying very hard to ignore Wade’s ordering, knowing it would be some monstrous sin of a creation. Frankenstein’s monster meets Ultimate Aggregor. Knowing Wade, it’d probably end up sculptured into a perfect replica of his ass. He sighed. “Something wrong Spidey?” Wade asked. Peter cast him a fearful glance. Then blinked. And blinked again. Wade was holding out an ice cream cone. A normal ice cream cone. Peter tentatively reached over, waiting for the punchline, but Wade handed it over without comment. He took the seat next to him and dropped a tub of ice cream onto the table. In his free hand was a matching cone. Peter blinked again. He opened his mouth and shut it. The scene was just so…so…normal. It was perfect. That was worrying. Wade gave him a concerned look. “You don’t like chocolate? I thought everyone liked chocolate.” “I prefer rainbow,” he blurted out, still a bit thrown. Wade looked upset. “I can get you one,” he replied quickly, making a move to stand up. “No!” Peter replied, grabbing his arm. “It’s fine. Great.” He nodded to the tub. “What’s that?” “For later,” Wade replied, still with a bit of a frown on his face. “I can get you rainbow flavoured.” “It’s fine. What do you mean later?” Wade shrugged. “Guess you’ll have to find out.” Peter gave him a suspicious look and licked at the ice cream. He smiled at Wade, who was rapt. “No fair,” Wade told him. “You should use that tongue for good, not evil.” Peter rolled his eyes.

Matt hummed and kissed a line down Peter’s neck. Wade made a pained noise. “Why can’t I join?” he whimpered from the arm chair opposite their couch. Peter glared at him as Matt’s hands tugged on the bottom of Peter’s shirt. “Because we’re punishing you,” Peter told him.   Matt sighed as he pulled the t-shirt off and folded it up gently to place on the coffee table. “I said no talking,” he chided Peter with a soft kiss. Peter smirked back. “Wade started it.” “If you’re not silent I’ll punish both of you,” Matt threatened with very little heat as he reached for Peter’s belt. There was a silence as Matt stripped the two of them off and folded their clothes onto the table. “Can’t I just-” “No,” Matt cut him off. His eyes were closed as he slid forward and ran his hands over Peter’s face. “This is unfair,” Wade mumbled, not taking his eyes off the scene. “Entrapment.” Matt kissed Peter softly, prompting a small moan from the other man. “Entrapment would suggest we secretly want you to join us so that we can punish you more.” “Well,” Wade said, “when you put it like that.”

Hulk rummaged through the fridge. “Food,” he moaned as he searched for the fifth time in the past ten minutes. From the counter, Thor pulled a face. “The constant lack of food is an abhorrent trait of this Tower.” Hulk grunted. Thor sighed and rested his head on his arms on the counter. “Food,” he moaned. He sighed and stretched. “Pizza soon,” Hulk reminded him. Twenty-five different types of pizza were on-route. All they had to do was wait.   “Yes,” Thor sighed and blew some hair out of his face. There was a silence. “Is this not the part where we indulge in the ‘small talk?’” Thor had been trying to come to terms with Midgardian social standards. Hulk gave him a grin. “What would Goldilocks want to talk about?” Thor ignored the slight. “What do you mortals usually talk about?” Hulk shrugged. He tried to remember the last time he ‘chatted’ about anything. “The weather?” Thor looked behind him to the window. “It is sunny.” Hulk followed his gaze and grunted. “That was not a satisfying conversation.” Thor commented. Hulk shrugged again. “If I may interrupt.” Jarvis chimed in. “Speak computer,” Thor allowed him. “I have devised a list of common ‘small-talk’ topics. For example, AllWomenStalk.com states that good topics include: How Your Day Has Been, Compliments, Something Interesting From The News, Work. SocialAnxietyDisorder.about.com lists: Weather, Sports, Family, Hometown. Shall I continue?” “No. Thank you, computer.” “You are welcome.” Hulk and Thor exchanged looks. “So…” Thor began. “However,” Jarvis continued, “I have also compiled a list of topics that Captain America and Sir often engage in.” Thor and Hulk shared a look. “Continue.” “The most prominent topics in discussions include – technology, history, fighting techniques.” The two frowned at each other. None of those topics seemed especially interesting. “Was there nothing else?” “There was one other topic.” Jarvis admitted. “But I am not sure it is relevant.” “Tell us Computer.” “The most talked about topic between Captain America and Tony Stark is sex.”  The computer informed them. There was an awkward silence. Hulk burst out laughing, while Thor blushed slightly. “Of course!” Hulk laughed. He noticed his companion’s flush. “Something wrong Rapunzel?” “Nothing.” Thor said quickly. Hulk gave him a look. “You upset?” “I’ll have you know I’ve bedded half the females in Asguard.” Thor declared loudly, looking away as a flush covered his face. Hulk gave him a look over. “Uh-huh.” Hulk didn’t actually care how many people Thor had bedded – female or otherwise. Thor flared up. “Are you challenging me?” Hulks eyes narrowed. Hulk never backed away from a challenge – even if it was an imaginary challenge that was a product of his friend’s wounded honour. Hulk stepped forward, closing the distance between them. He could see in Thor’s eyes the want to retreat warring with his pride. Thor took a deep breath and stayed his ground. Hulk chuckled in response. The Norse God’s eyes flared. “You dare mock me?” “Hulk doesn’t mock.”   Thor didn’t reply. “Touchy,” Hulk commented. Thor raised an arm suddenly, as if to attack him. Hulk pinned down the man against the counter. “Relax.” Thor didn’t meet his eyes and shifted embarrassedly. Hulk suddenly picked up on the mood. “Scared Princess?” Thor’s eyes flashed as they met his again. “I am never scared.” Hulk grinned and darted in, mashing their lips together. Thor froze and his eyes closed. Hulk chuckled again as they parted. Thor squirmed. “This is unfair.” There was an unspoken communication between them. A daring look in Hulk’s eyes, and an equal determination in Thor’s decided their path. They shifted and Hulk pulled him closer. Thor wrapped his arms around him and kissed him. The kiss was awkward and inexperienced. “Half the women in Asgard,” Hulk repeated sardonically.   Thor growled and pulled him into another kiss, this one slightly better than the first one. “Have to teach you,” Hulk continued, lifting Thor onto the counter. A shiver ran through Thor’s body as Hulk began to undress him, gently at first, but -after getting annoyed with the Asgardian armor – ripping away the clothes and throwing them across the room. “Initiating Protocol ‘Fonduing’,” Jarvis chimed in. There was a noise as the room was suddenly locked down – the windows were overlayed with metal and the doors locked with a noise. “Fonduing?” Hulk repeated. “I believe that is Captain America’s word for…” “…Fonduing.” Hulk finished. “Yes. Jarvis?” There was no reply. “I believe we are now alone.” Thor concluded. “Good,” Hulk said and kissed Thor’s neck and his hands trailed down between his legs. Thor squirmed again. “Hulk,” Thor gasped. “Yes, God?” Hulk mocked. Thor’s mouth opened, but he hadn’t any words to explain what he needed, so he shut it. Hulk nuzzled Thor’s neck. Thor’s squirming increased and he wrapped his legs around Hulk’s waist. The sentient part of Hulk’s brain was suddenly glad that Thor wasn’t properly human. It meant that he didn’t have to hold back. He picked up Thor suddenly, and walked over to the couch, dropping Thor inelegantly and then getting on top of him. It became quickly clear that the couch - while being able to hold both their weight, definitely didn’t fit their size. Hulk grabbed Thor and threw him onto the glass coffee table instead

Based off a certain line in one of the “What If” comics – ‘Spiderman versus Wolverine’. “…Logan enjoyed watching [Peter] take the lead.” Yes, it actually said that. I don’t know why. I don’t...I don’t know why.  This is set in the world where Peter stays in Russia with Wolverine, and becomes a hardened killer, and his Spidey-sense evolves into almost precognition.

There was a satisfying noise as his fists hit the punching bag. It was snowing, but that was usual for this place. He hit the bag again, this time too hard and his fist went through the bag. “Are you just going to stand there?” Spiderman asked, as he took the bag off the hook and sighed. Wolverine exhaled deeply, leaning against the wall of the cabin with a cigar in his hand. “Yep.” Peter turned to look at him, folding his arms. “Those things will kill you, you know.” This startled a laugh out of him. “Yeah, that’s something to be worried about.” Peter grinned at him. “Bored, Logan?” Wolverine shrugged casually. “The others are out of town.” “And you want me to amuse you.” “Sounds good to me.” Logan looked at his dying cigar and threw it away. Peter gave him a look. “Now you’re starting forest fires.” “Good chance with that, in this weather.” Logan pointed out. Peter shook his head. “Ever the risk taker.” Logan walked towards him and inclined his head to the broken punching bag. “Having fun?” Peter looked at them with disdain. “Not much of a fight.” Wolverine grinned and reached over. Peter quickly ducked his arm and span to the side. “Wanna dance Spidey?” Spiderman grinned and put up his arms in a mock fighting stance. He beckoned. Logan leapt forward. Spidey easily ducked his punch, and the follow-up kick. While Logan was off-balanced, Spidey twisted and kicked at Logan’s leg, knocking him easily to the ground, and then sitting on top of him, pinning him down. “Not much of a fight.” Spidey said again. “That wasn’t a fight. It was a dance. Weren’t you listening?” Peter rolled his eyes. “Well, thanks for the dance.” “Anytime kiddo.” He shifted. “You going to get off me now?” Peter gave him an innocent grin. “I thought we were dancing.” Logan gave him a look. “Dance is over Spidey.” He was getting a bit uncomfortable about how close they were. His scent was awfully overwhelming – the smell of sweat and blood. He frowned. “You bleeding?” Peter looked at his hands. “A little.” He admitted. “Not as tough as you’d like, huh?” “Still took you out.” “Because I let you.” “Sure.” Wolverine suddenly struck, twisting so that Peter was the one on his back, and Logan was the one pinning him down. Peter gasped as the air fled his lungs. He coughed. “Really?” Logan asked him. Peter gave him a look as he coughed. “I let you do that.” “Well aren’t we both polite?” “To the core.” Logan chuckled. “You going to let me go?” “I thought we were still dancing.” “Yeah, that’s old news. Now we’re cold and pinned to the snowy ground of Russia.” Spidey shivered slightly, his legs spasming slightly against Wolverine’s body. Wolverine paused, trying to ignore the part of his brain that had gone into overdrive. “Eh, whatever,” he said and let go of the man, standing up. Spiderman sat up and rubbed the back of his head. “Huh?” Wolverine shrugged. “You’re right. It’s cold.” Spidey jumped lithely to his feet. “Yeah, it is. But since when have you cared about that?” Wolverine began walking back to the cabin. “Hmm.” Peter said, following him inside. The fireplace was blazing, warming up the inside of the cabin nicely. Wolverine collapsed onto the couch. Spiderman stood up on the couch and crouched next to him, watching him suspiciously. “Take a picture, it’ll last longer.” Wolverine grunted. Spiderman leant towards him. “You okay?” Wolverine didn’t reply. Spiderman reached over and touched his face. Wolverine stood up, but not before Peter realised the problem. He chuckled. “Oh, Wolverine,” he sang, jumping off the couch to wrap his arms around Logan’s waist. Logan froze. “Back off kid.” He said in a dangerous tone. Spiderman moved closer to whisper in his ear. “I’m not a kid anymore.” Logan shivered. “You are to me.” “Just because you’re an old man,” Spidey teased. His hands slid towards Logan’s belt line. “Kid.” “Old man.” Spiderman mimicked. “Come on Wolverine, let’s play.” “Don’t mess with me.” “I’m not messing with you. Turn around.” Wolverine reluctantly turned around and Peter was on him in an instance, forcing their lips together. Logan instinctively pulled him closer. Peter grinned and rubbed against him.