#deadpool and wolverine KCAU

[sirwadewilsonfromimgur]

Deadpool and Wolverine: KCAU

Christmas Special

Part 5

The Christmas party

Authous note: This story is organized into scenes. It's a party with lots of interactions. I'm sorry for cutting the Father Kurt scene. This may be a bonus later, but it's February, and I'm still doing Christmas shit. Shout-out to @nuggetpool-hi for translation work and @icarusredwings for Workshoping these scenes with me.

Our scene actually opens up in the far flung future... Logan and Wade haven't aged a day since July 2024, though. A cabin in the deep woods nestled in a valley between gigantic mountains... Wade is holding a photo album and a baby girl.

Ok Gabby, Grampa is going to tell you a christmas story, but this one is about your Uncle James.... he was a good boy. Well behaved, and I loved him. Just like I love you... he was a doctor, he saved lives... he wasn't like me or your gump-pa.

but your uncle James did have one family tradition he just couldn't escape... Toxic old man yaoi. Yup, he was doomed by the narrative to be nothing like his parents and exactly like his parents... flipping open the album he turns to a page. James and Greg are standing with Ellie and Mary puppens in front of a large christmas tree decorated with ornaments and lights of various shades of Yellow, Black, Blue and Red. On top was a golden inverted star that had the words "Hail Santa" emblazoned on it. The little girl coos as Wade carefully shows her the picture and our story opens up on the Christmas eve of 2065.

Christmas eve was a buisy occasion and Wade and Logan were the consummate hosts. Dozens of bottles of Asti were chilling in buckets of ice and Wade had made enough lasagna to feed an army...

The immediate challenge for James was getting Greg through cocktail hour without him stirring up drama for fun.

Laura had decided to play bar tender that night and busied herself at the end of the kitchen counter setting up liquor and glasses.

Ellie was at the door greeting the guest as they came in. James and House were in the living room by the impressively sized christmas tree, martini's in hand.

Logan and wade walked over to Laura to get themselves a drink as well.

-Scene one- (telenovela navidad)

Logan, Wade, Laura, James, House

Papá.. no me gusta como Greg jode a James

OH mi amor, solo son gays, es su manera de coquetear con él

....Acaso soy la única hetero en esta familia?

Sí.

hasta el perro?

Pos si Mary le da a to, bi seguramente

*Laura mira a la perra*

Mary: *ladra en español*

Puta madre ahora soy yo la minoría

Greg hears Laura having her conversation with her dads... not knowing that he spoke Spanish...

I don't think your sister Luara likes me...

She grew up in a desert wasteland and had to fight to survive she doesn't like a lot of people.

Calling Mexico a desert wasteland sounds a little racist.

I wasn't referring to Mexico... Ass! there's a place called the Void. My dad's found her there... dad used to tell me stories. It's a nightmare world in-between all the worlds... it's where they fell in love.

Of course... they fell in love in a nightmare, hell scape.

It's also why they're not allowed within 50 yards of a Honda dealership... at least that's what Grandma told me years ago.

-Scene 2- (Father knows best)

Wade, James, Greg

Once the party had gotten into full swing, Wade had retired to the bedroom only to shortly return in a tight fitting party dress

A strapless red dress it was brocaded with little silver pine trees. A fox stole was draped around his shoulder... James had told Greg who was taken a little by surprise that the fox was cought by Logan. He'd skinned and treated it and presented it to Wade as an anniversary gift a few years back...

P. e.t.a. is on the long list of people whom have personal beef with Wade and Logan.

Wade walks over to them...

How are you and your boyfriend doing over here kitten?

I'm not gay dad! You were at my wedding's

Wow, all three.

Shut up House!

Fine! Your roommate *he says with exaggerated air quotes* anyways! Yes, I remember your weddings. They were very nice... I also remember writing a check for all three divorce attorneys fees.

For the record, you didn't have to do that.

Kitten, I love you, but your taste in women is equally matched by your taste in attorneys. It's just awful... Thank god we keep Jeff on retainer, and since we're on the record. Your dad and I technically aren't gay either. Ya salty, sally! Shame though, because Greg sure is handsome *winks at Greg* I've always liked a man with permanent 5 o'clock shadow and stubble. Forgive me for assuming that the apple hadn't fallen far from the queer tree.

-Scene 3- (House asks a shark a lot of questions)

Greg, Jeff, James, Sam

In the Howlett-Wilson household, parties were pretty informal affairs. Some people showed up early, and some a little late... Father Wagners "Bamf time" always varies from where he started. Cocktail hour (which is usually a couple hours) was how they made up for that, so everyone was at the dinner table at the same time. So it wasn't unexpected when Jeff and his personal assistant and paralegal Sam walked in half an hour after the party started.

<whispering in a gosspy tone>

James what the fuck just walked in!?

James, seeing the old family friend, nonchalantly answered. That's Jeff and Sam. Jeff is the family attorney. I told you he'd be here.

Yeah but he's a fucking shark! You didn't tell me he'd be a shark!

Lots of attorneys are sharks, James said with a chuckle.

Seeing that Greg was still processing things, he remembered that the little section of New Jersey they lived in didn't see a lot of non-humans nor a lot of mutants...

He specifically is a land shark. Jeff and my dad are old friends. Jeff went to Harvard and is an incredibly talented litigater. He once got both my dads off war crimes charges at The Hague. Though his critics would say he won that case entirely by being distractingly cute.

No, I believe you, Wilson... but how is he breathing? I see gills over his little suit jacket.

You could ask him. He's very friendly.

James grabbed House by the hand and introduced the two of them to House.

Hello James. It's good to see you. It's a pleasure to meet your friend Greg. I hope you've been staying out of trouble.... though if not, I've been brushing up on medical malpractice law *chuckles*

The shark spoke through electronic assistance. Below the collar of his suit on his neck was a transponder developed by Parker Industries that translated Jeffs grunts chirps and vocalizations into English. A voice came out of his phone via Bluetooth connection that sounded a little A.I. generated but not as stilted and monotone as the late Steven hawking, not perfectly, but emotion and tone could be expressed.

Sam returned with an extra dirty low tide Martini for Jeff who liked the brine of canned tuna... and some of the tuna as a garnish added to his...

James tells me you're quite the talented attorney.

Well, i like to think so... but being a cute littel shark has been a benefit... i disarm people with my cuteness... then I tear them to shreds on the stands.

Where do you get your suits?

As you can imagine, until they make off the rack clothes in shark sizes, i have to have them custom-made... with the company I keep *he looks over at Wade Luara and Logan* i have connections to several custom Taylor's whom are discreet and talented

Cool, cool.... how do you breathe

Honestly... I don't know...

(and neither does the author... couldn't find any lore, and he didn't feel like making any up in case there is some out there... lazy writing if you ask me.)

Was Harvard law hard for you?

The academic part? No... everything else... Kinda. I'm grateful that I have Sam around. It's hard for me to type things and hold a pen.... or drive a car or other activities that bipedal humans can do regularly...

*looking at sam* do you do everything for him?

That'd be a gross exaggeration... Jeff is completely capable of a lot of things. I merely provide reasonable accommodation for the things he can't do... i'm also a paralegal, so i perform the necessary tasks for his firm, such as legal research, fact-finding and checking, interviewing clients, and helping him in court... as well as less glamorous things like paperwork.

So, do you have a girlfriend? Are you a mutant? You always been a shark? How would it work biologically if you had a girlfriend?

*blushing* I... that's a little personal, don't you think?

It is! <whispering> damn it Greg, you can't just ask people how they fuck...

That's not what i said!

That's not the point... I'm sorry jeff please excuse Greg. He's... he's just very curious... excuse us.

Grabbing Greg by the hand, James walks away from the tiny shark attorney and his friend.

That was weird...

Not really, Sam... not in this house. Honestly, that was mild..... i might find him and answer his questions... I just didn't want to talk about it in front of you and James... don't really want to discuss my intimate stuff in front of my godson, ya know.

That's fair... so I got the vibe they're dating...

Oh, absolutely. Not to gossip about a client, but his dad tells me they're roommates... apparently, everyone knows they're together but them. Poor fools.

<chuckles> Scandalous

-Scen 4- Perfect end to a perfect evening.

Logan, Wade, Greg, James, Morph/Kevin

The party went very well and dinner went smoothly, the gayety of the holiday season and the warm conversation was as close to a perfect Norman Rockwell portrait of holiday biss as you were going tobget in this house. No fighting, no shots fired or hands stabbed... James was nervously waiting for the shoe to drop because even Greg had behaved himself engaging in polite dinner conversation...

They made it the whole night through like this... Logan, Wade, Greg and James were getting ready to call it a night... Greg came with 4 champagne glasses.

One last drink for the night, and a toast to our excellent hosts

James absolutely knew something was going on... but didn't put it together until both of his father's had downed their drinks...

Wait dad don't.... shit...

Merely seconds later Logan spoke.

I feel... Drunk, I'm not supposed to feel drunk... not like this *Logan slurred the last sentence*

Well. Logan, I took your advice. I'm being honest with myself... and I'm doing something nice for James...

I've taken the liberty of making a special cocktail for you... your champagne has a heroic dose of Nembutal and Halcion.

You two are exhausting, and if anything James deserves one christmas without the sound of you two perverts going at it like dogs in heat the night before... and the fighting and the constant rambling, seriously Wade do you ever shut up?

Oh Peeeenut... I like him. He's a keeper Kitten. Wade said sleepily before collapsing on the floor.

Bub I....

Logan didn't get the last words out. He fell face forward on to the ground with a loud almost metallic thud cracking one of the granite tiles below him.

Greg! What the fuck!

Merry Christmas!

By the way how heavy is your dad...

About 600 pounds why?

I may have miscalculated his Dose.

He has a metal skeleton...

That's an interesting mutation... I may have killed him.

Wouldn't be the first time someone has killed him, and the metal skeleton is something the Canadian government did to him...

Jesus I thought those people were supposed to be nice.

For fuck sake after a week with my Canadian parents I'd hoped you'd realize thats a myth by now... you should go they're going to wake up shortly. And it's gonna take me and dad both to keep Papa from stabbing you... he really really doesn't react well to being drugged against his will.

No, they won't... when your dad was drinking with me, I observed that half a bottle of everclear had a mild seditve affect after about a minute from ingestion.

He was drunk?

Yes barely...

And it lasted for about 5 minutes before he expressed having a mild hangover for about 12 minutes, then he was sober. I know we don't work with a lot of patients with hyper metabolism or healing factors, but I have observed it. I was able to calculate that his and your other father's metabolism has an increased factor of about 97... 9 grams of Nembutal is enough to kill a normal human... I gave them 100 grams each between that and the Halcion... they will be asleep until morning...

Well, we better move my dad next to Papa, since you sure as shit can't help me lift him in to bed we're just gonna leave them here on the floor...

why do they have to be next to each other?

They're going to be unhappy as it is when they wake up... they freak out when they don't wake up next to each other... it's a thing...

That thing is called being toxicly codependent and you've spent your life catering to that...

Greg my parents love me.

I'm not saying they don't. Trust me, they clearly love you... but they're also a mess, and you've always gotta fix everything and help people... it's what makes you a great doctor... but it also makes you crazy around those two... because they need sooooo much help. so as soon as we put the hit man husbands in their designated dog pile You and I are going to raid that wine fridge for something expensive and watch Rankin and Bass christmas specials and enjoy a quiet christmas evening.

Later that night, the boys had indeed watched cheesy stop motion christmas specials. They had just finished Rudolf, the red noise reindeer when Morph walked out of the Master bedroom in a red dress.

I have been in there dressed as Jessica Rabbit for two hours. What is taking you two.... OH MY GOD! James what the fuck did you do to your dads!

*Pointing at the piled up mercenaries on the floor*

Damn it... yeah. I'm sorry, Uncle Kevin, but they're out cold for the night... sorry for ruining your christmas...

Well shit... It's ok. We still got the weekend, just won't be as special... I guess I got the big bed to myself tonight.... good night boys...

Uncle Kev... before you go. Is that one of my dad's dresses, or did you bring your own?

Kid... red isn't really my color... Now yellow... he says this as he transforms into a picture-perfect copy of Logan. Yellow is more my style... I'm gonna go occupy myself...

Again, sorry. but before you exact your revenge... I want you to know it's 100% Gregorys fault, he drugged them...

Traitor!

Secen 6 On the Jet

The following morning, cooler heads prevailed... they did not, in fact, cut Gregory into thin ribbons. Logan had actually had the best sleep hed had in probably 20 years... they forgave and chalked it up to normal Howlett-Wilson household shenanigans. Wade actually appreciated how clever the sly doctor was. But as they say. All good things come to an end, and Jame and Greg were soon wisked away to the airport to return home to New Jersey.

Wilson... despite drugging him, your dad Wade handed me this before we left... told me not to open it until we were on the plane...

Well, I'm here, so I doubt it's a bomb.

Greg opens the box and understands why it was so suspiciously heavy. He pulled out a gold brick and a note and showed it to Wilson...

Dad has always been weird with gifts... what's the note say...

It says, "Merry Christmas and welcome to the family, I stole this from Saddam hussein in the 90s. It's yours now.... Wilson... I'm pretty sure this is your dowry

Sure...

James... I actually need to talk to you about something.

The end

[sirwadewilsonfromimgur]

KCAU Lore in pictures...

Kansas City Alternate Universe Wade Wilson in a nut shell.

Logan and Wade's relationship Dynamic.

The T shirt Logan wears. (Has not adapted to success after spending 30+ years as an abject failure)

James Wilson M.D.

Biological son of Logan and Wade via sci-fi technology. (inherited no mutant ability's and became a doctor) absolutely tired of getting wrapped up in his dads shenanigans.... low key cought up in his own old man yaoi problems with a doctor he works with.

Elinor "Ellie" Camacho Wilson

Wade's biological daughter Long story (did inherit healing factor... and perhaps a little mental illness) she's very much Wade Wilson's daughter in a lot of ways.

She is a prodigy marksman, even from a young age. When she grew up, she took a position in charge of the wetwork/black ops department of her father's private security (mercenary) firm.

Laura Kenny Howlett-Wilson

Wade and Logans oldest child. (Adopted but technically a clone of Logan... but not this Logans... its complicated. Go watch Deadpool and Wolverine again.) She joined the X-men, and we're all very proud of her.

[sirwadewilsonfromimgur]

Deadpool and Wolverine: KCAU Christmas Special

(Part. 1 scene 1, the first Christmas season in the condo)

Kansas City Missouri, Earth-10005 2027

The yuletide season was busy for everyone in the Western cultural world. That's a given.

But for Wade and Logan they had added the extra hitch of having their wedding anniversary on new years eve... it wasn't necessarily intentional, in a romantic gesture to "match his lover's freak" Logan had impulsively (as he could) proposed to and married Wade all on the same day because that's when all his friends would be together in the apartment anyway.

Two hundred years of experience told Logan that the 6 months they spent living together (3 months officially dating) was all he needed. No need for a long courtship or engagement. Wade who conceivably heard wedding bells the day he abducted Logan from his home universe obviously agreed the second Logan asked.

Moving to Kansas city (an Impulse decision on Wade's part) had come with some culture shock for the whole family... Peter had adapted best to it. The guy had a whole midwest vibe about him anyways...

but that was one thing. All the people were disturbingly nice compared to the good people of New York they were used to... anyone chatting with you in the grocery store, even a complete stranger in Kansas city, is just being nice... In New York, if some start talking to you apropos of nothing, they want something, or they're unstable.

The Next biggest shock was waking up November first and the entire town has already decorated for Christmas... like they were clearly choking down Halloween candy as they put up a metric fuck ton of garland and Christmas lights...

How the fuck was i supposed to know that Kansas city is the home of the international headquarters of fucking Hallmark... and that our house is 2 blocks away from it.

It's probably one of the many things you could have found out easily had you done a second of resurch, or you know! asked me... before you bought this place on a fucking whim without consulting me about it.

I thought you said you weren't mad about that anymore.

I'm not bub, but how the fuck can I expect you to learn if I let'cha forget you're mistakes. I hope you fuck'n like christmas because we live in a neighborhood that's made it, its entire god damned personality since November 1st.

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A post shared by GABE REYES (@kcescapades)

This wasn't just the first Christmas in a new city. It was one of the first in which Wade and Logans Business venture was outlandishly successful. MFM had pulled in a profit in the millions. Peter had negotiated several lucrative contracts with government entities with black budgets...

spy craft and counter terrorism isn't something governments want easily tied to, especially when one man's terrorist is another mans freedom fighter... so they typically outsource this particular dirty business to people like Wade and Logan.

Needless to say, Peter would be getting a massive christmas bonus this year. On top of that, Wade had gotten him season football tickets... Wade still had no idea what the hype was about, but it made Peter happy... Wade just enjoyed the men in tight pants, and occasionally, Taylor Swift would show up...

whome wade always respectfully admired from a distance despite being in the same box suit... pop stars rarely want to mingle with people like Wade. A few people in the room knew roughly how he'd made his money... needless to say, they were polite but distant.

---

That christmas morning went about as extravagantly as Wade had hoped... unfortunately, not everyone could make it.

It was Wade, Logan, Peter, Althea, Vanessa, Laura and Colossus.

Wade had spent entirely too much money on gifts. Logan was uncomfortable, big christmases... big houses, big parties, they reminded him of his early childhood and christmass at the X mansion.

Bitter sweet... mostly bitter when he remembers how that world ended. But he put on a happy face as he opened yet another box with an Armani dress shirt. They'd spend thousands of years together... but Logan would never tell Wade that the biggest sacrifice he made in the name of love was not holding Wade when the bad dreams hit him, not stabbing hundred of angry men to save Wade when he's cornered on the battlefield.

It was letting Wade have everything he ever wanted despite desperately wanting to grab him and run into the mountains and never be seen by society again... Logan yearned for a simple life... But he'd give all that up just to see Wade smile. He'd endure one hundred years of ostentatious christmases or more if that's what made Wade happy. Never once would he tell Wade how much he truly hated christmass. That was the gift Wade got every year without realizing it. Logans' enthusiasm wasn't holiday spirit... it was love for Wade.

The things we do for love.

More story below.

Kansas City Missouri, Earth-10005 2041

(Scen 2 Christmas with the Kids)

This year was going to be special, mostly because Ellie and James were old enough to really get into christmas. Wade had spared no expense as usual. The kids even got an allowance so they could buy gifts for each other. Laura was even going to make it this year.

Laura had taken Jean up on her offer... much to Wade's chagrin... she was the Wolverine and a full-fledged Xman, not just a trainee (that's about as far as Wade made it) he'd have to give Russell a call too.

Wish him a happy holiday and check in on him... Wade wants you to know, for the record, he didn't forget about Russell... but he wasn't a parent, and it was decided that Wade was not a healthy influence... fuck'n Jean! So he didn't get to see him too often.

He didn't like it but he understood...

He also understood why Laura joined... Who was Wade to begrudge some the wish to "be somebody" to "matter"...

Luara had said she'd be in time for dinner anyway she'd miss opening presents with the littles. Tragically missed Kodak moment.

---

Ellie had woken up early. She was up before James, and she marveled at the tree presents piled under it in bright colored wrapping paper. She turned the lights on the tree for the full effect. She stared at it for a good minute before she broke her reverie and walked towards her father's room.

She quietly opened the door into the garishly pink and Black themed bedroom that morning. she knew the rules. No opening presents until after Papa made breakfast... it was time to expedite this.

She snuck around to Wade's side of the bed. Thank god they both wore pajamas to bed last night because the shredded blankets would have left them with little dignity and a traumatized daughter.

(Replacing bedding was a regular Occurrence in the Howlett-Wilson home they just hadn't gotten around to it yet)

Daddy... get up. Santa came...

Wade slowly blinked awake as his daughter inches from his face came in to focus.

Sweetheart... you know you're supposed to knock before you come into our room.

I didn't want to wake Papa... that's your job. You know what a grump he is before coffee.

He's a grump after coffee too. he said with a wink.

I'll get him up. You skedaddle and turn on some cartoons or something we'll be out shortly.

Logan... time to get up sugar tits.

Making groggy grumpy noises... bleary-eyed, he looks at his phone...

Princess, it's not even six in the morning yet.

I know, but Ellie is already up, and we're lucky she woke us up... the look in her eye said she'd play along, but if we hung out in bed too long, she'd start opening presents without us...

She is absolutely your daughter...

It's more true than he cared to admit, she loved and idolized both of them and always wanted to know details about Jobs they'd been on... wade ever the fucking filterless yapper had no qualms telling her thrilling adventures of flying lead and bloodshed...

Ellie was the only nine year old Logan had ever heard of that actively read Soldier of Fortune magazine.

That girl is gonna be trouble when she grows up

She just wants to be like her dad's...

I wish she didn't... I don't even want to be like me.

Oh Honeybadger don't say that... I love you just the way you are. Wade leans in and gives him a kiss. Marry Christmas.

Merry Christmas bub. he said, growling lightly as he returned the kiss a little roughly.

Oh... baby, we don't got time... you gotta make breakfast... now put on your ugly sweater... we'll circle back to this subject later.

Breakfast was the full Papa Logan spread. pan cakes, waffles, home fries, eggs to order, bacon, sausage, coffee, egg nog, orange juice, and the special Escuminac Canadian maple syrup.

Art by @nuggetpool-hi

After breakfast, Ellie bolted to the tree.

Alright, kids. you can open your presents. Kitten, run along your sister is gonna beat you to all the fun.

It's just so pretty, Dad... I wanted to look at it first. Marry Christmas. He hugged both of his dad's and headed towards the tree

You're a good kid, bub. Merry Christmas.

Ellie had already selected a box with her name on it and started opening her gift.

Papa! Look! Santa got me a Remington V3 TAC-13! Just like I asked for!

Wade did you give a fucking nine year old a compact shotgun!

Wade suddenly broke into a cold Sweat and thought to himself "I may have fucked up"

She specifically asked for that model he shrugged as Logan cut eyes at him sharper than the blades hiding in his forearms.

What! Santa didn't get her any shells

I really don't like how comfortable the Midwest has made you with guns. It goes in the safe immediately and only comes out at the range. It's not a toy!

So I'm allowed to go to the range now?

Logan face in his hands... father of the fucking year... he mumbled. sure sweetheart but we gotta get you hearing protection...

Oh sweetie funny you're dad should mention that... open that little box wrapped in red polkadot paper... looking again at Logan. What, I'm not an idiot...

Yes you are but I've learned to live with it.

For your information, I was perfectly comfortable with guns before we moved here. Remember silverware drawer gun?

Nice try, trying to change the subject,Wade. you did it. You get to be the bad guy. Go put that gun in the safe. Wade crest fallen walked up to the tree and grabbed one of the unopened boxes with her name on it, and walked over to her.

Honeybee... that is your gun. It always will be, no one gets to use it but you... but I need to take it for now. We wouldn't want you or James accidentally getting hurt. It'll be safe... in the safe, and maybe it'll make friends with all of my guns.

She let out a sigh, as she hugs the shotgun to her chest as if it were a stuffed animal.

It's okay, Daddy... I know, Papa isn't exactly quiet when he thinks he's being quiet...

Don't be mad at him, he's right... when it warms up, I promise I'll take you and teach you how to do trap shooting, we'll get some discs and bird-shot and make a day of it.

Pinky promise!?

Sure thing, kiddo.

The rest of the morning was not as dramatic. The kids had received more traditional gifts of toys, gaming systems, new clothes... and a box of assorted illicit substances for Grandma Al. My favorite! And a slab of Prime Rib for Marry Puppens.

After all the gifts were opened, James walked towards his dads with two boxes in hand.

Here, Papa. I wasn't sure what else to get you. Grandma helped me buy it...

Logan took the box from the boy's hand. Wrapped in silver wrapping paper was a box of cigars. Rocky Patel Conviction...

He opened the box and each Cigar was packaged like a gold bar...

Thank you very much James... he picked the boy up and wrapped him in the tight bare hug....

I can see why you needed your grandma's help... since your not 21 last I checked... Merry Christmas, I'll have one of these later... I love you, son.

Smiling ear to ear. I love you too. Merry Christmas!

Here's yours, Dad. Handing the other box to Wade.

Wrapped in hot pink paper was a rectangular box that contained a genuine Xman licensed action figure... a Vintage hot toys Wolverine that looked just like Logan.

kitten this is perfect! Wade threw his arms. around the boy and gave him a kiss on the forehead... thank you!

You're welcome... I saw it and just knew you'd love it.

After exchanging more hugs, James walked off to play with his new toys, and Logan leaned over...

Really... a doll, of me...

Logan... don't you know? I'm not just your husband... i'm you biggest fan, and its not a doll it's an action figure.

Whatever, just don't let me catch you pressing needles into it.

Logan kissed Wade. You'll get your christmas present from me later...

Logan looked up to make sure the kids were out of earshot. Wade... these cigars are a thousand dollars a box... I thought we agreed to cap the kids allowance so they didn't turn in to spoiled monsters...

Penut, it's christmas... I may have given them a bonus to budget with for gifts...

You're going to ruin them...

You look at those two perfectly behaved children and tell me they don't deserve every cent, I'd give them the Moon if they asked for it... and not just metaphorically penut I'd build a rocket and occupy and colonize the moon and make them its sovereign rulers...

I know, bub... I I'd probably help you to. But perhaps go easy on Easter...

But I already ordered the 30-pound chocolate crucifix!

Jesus...

Exactly, yes! I got the sexy one with rock-hard abs...

This christmas was probably one of the best. The memory of it was a treasure that Wade held on to... especially on the christmases to come that weren't as pleasant. But thats a story for another time.

The End

Link to next Scene

[sirwadewilsonfromimgur]

Deadpool and Wolverine: KCAU

Christmas Special

Kansas City Missouri, Earth-10005 December 2065

Part 4

Authors note: The literal Blizzard in Kansas City gave me the time to finish this chapter, because I'm snowed in... I hope y'all like it.

Dr. House and the Wolverine

What happens, dear reader when you're left alone with your totally not boyfriend's very intimidating dad who has retractable Freddy Krueger claws...

Morning came, the automatic curtain retreated, and dawns light came crashing into the room. Greg had a surprisingly restful night, Wilson had infact not repeatedly kicked him. He was however quite chagrined

to discover that the dog Mary Puppens had nuzzeled herself firmly between his arm and arm pit.

Do you do this sort of thing with all house guests or am I special. He said to the dog who stood up, winked at him again, shook herself and hoped off the bed, and trotted out the door and down the hall... baffled Greg got out of bed. Wilson had gotten up before him he was already out and about well before he woke up.

Apparently, he'd gotten the let sleeping dogs lye treatment. He'd missed breakfast, and everyone was already done, and the table cleared.

Good morning, Greg

Wade handed him a mug off coffee and a croissant.

Sorry, late risers only get le petit déjeuner.

Parlez-vous français?

Only enough to get by when I'm in Quebec or if it's Tuesday. My French is always better on Tuesday.

It is Tuesday...

Si je suis honnête avec moi-même, je fais la plupart des choses par besoin d'attention ou par un cri d'aide désespéré.

I would have never guessed...

This was the kind of strange interaction the Greg eventually came to recognize as normal in the Howlett-Wilson household... he'd definitely understood James a little better. The man had an unusually high tolerance for shenanigans and bullshitery... you'd have to with Wade and Logan as your parents... loving but clearly unstable James had probably spent most of his childhood helping Wade on his bad days and tolerating an ungodly amount of whimsy on his good days.

No wonder they got along.

He spent most of the morning talking to Wade. Learning he was not, in fact, a burn victim as he'd told him the first time they met at one of Wilsons' weddings. But a mutant with a healing factor that was basically supercharging and killing his cancer all at once... a relation that he wondered if that affected James's choice in specialty. Oncology. He posed it to Wade...

Many years ago when James was just a little kitten, I may have told him that there's a chance that if my cancer was cured, I could finally die... I may have trauma dumped on my only son that i was terrified of out living him... I... I just love him so much... Family is important to me, Greg... both my found family and my husband and children.... Althea was 115 when she passed... Buck passed away recently... I haven't gotten over it. And no parent should out live their child... but I fear I will. If James chose a field to cure me so that I didn't have to live without him... he's truly the best son a father could ask for.

All in all, it wasn't a bad morning... until Greg was informed that Wade, James, Ellie, and Laura were going to crown center down the street to do some last minute christmas shopping... he and Logan were specifically not invited as Santa didn't want them peeking...

I know it's a thin premise... but work with me, Greg.

Fine... but your husband scares the bajezus out of me... he literally tackled me yesterday. He's also been staring daggers at me. Sharp murdery daggers.

Oh, don't worry about Logan he's totally tsundere coded, he dosn't bite... unless you ask nicely...

he might stab you, if you let too much of that brilliant personality shine through James whispers in his ear.

I can hear you James don't scare the man.

Sorry papa, love you see you in a bit.

Greg... Don't be yourself.

Thanks for the advice

Greg goes to the livingroom and sits down on the couch... a hockey game is playing on the TV that Logan isn't that invested in...

So... do you want a drink?

Sure, whatever you're having is fine

You'll have a bourbon... you can't handle what I'm having... and he was correct, Logan came back with two glasses and a bottle of Ben Holladay Bottled in Bond Straight Bourbon for Greg and A bottle of everclear for himself.

You need ice?

No, I'm good... thanks.

Logan pours a little over a finger of whiskey in one glass and fills the the other nearly to the brim with the clear concentrated jet fule.

Can you keep a secret? Because Wade dosn't exactly like it when I drink for results.

Eyeing the everclear...results!? if you drink all of that you'll be dead?

I'll be buzzed at best... didn't you read any fucking comics as a kid, didn't James tell you who I am...

Yes, the Wolverine. The bullet proof bad ass... he didn't tell me you were an alcoholic.

Logan glares... says nothing as he sips his glass and sits back down.

He doesn't actually talk about you and Wade that much... not in detail anyway. As for the comics, of course I've read about the Xmen... but I also know it's 90% bullshit propaganda... not that I'm against the cause.

Well, you're not wrong about that bub.

Still, the royalties must be nice, you seem to do well...

Logan lets out a loud laugh and downs his glass of Ever clear... pouring himself another glass, he explains;

I Don't see a fucking dime of that money, My name and Likeness is owned by the X-Corporation... Jean Grey specifically, Until she retires then I imagine it'll belong to Rachel.... no son, this house was paid for in blood, the blood of gangsters specifically if I remember the contract.

Well, you've definitely made a comfortable living from it. This place is huge.

Yeah... Huge... he said in a mournful tone.

It wasn't always like this, you know... I was homeless in more than one sense of the word before Wade and I met. Now I live in this place *he waves his hand in a gesture that could be described as sarcastic*

It's everything Wade wanted... it was different for him... the guy grew up in a shack with a fucking alcoholic mother and an abusive father... he always lived in squalor. So he wanted something big fancy... something nice..... And he deserves it. Ya' know.. deserves to have something nice.

I could do without it, I grew up in a big house and all the putting on airs of the money'd classes... I was happiest when I had less.

mansions... make me uncomfortable for a lot of reasons. This house is about as close to that as I ever want to get.

A cabin in the woods, a cave in the wild tundra... Logan shakes his head and looks wistfully out the window... an overcast wintery day... you know he didn't tell me he bought the place. Maybe he knew I'd say it was too big. Maybe he was right...

When Wade and I first got together, we lived in a one bedroom apartment with Althea, I slept on a couch that hurt my back... Wade and I would cuddle on it and fall asleep watching TV.

I miss it... I miss simpler times. I miss picking up odd jobs and hanging out at hardware stores, hoping to get a construction job for the week...

Wade would freelance, he'd only work when we needed the money for rent ... I wish we could go back to then, I don't regret where I ended up, and Wade is the love of my life... but. I wish we could have done some things differently, took our time... made some decisions together... it's hard. We all make little sacrifices for the ones we love.

I appreciate your cander... and this has ben... fun, well, about as much fun as an STI examination.. but i gotta ask why the confession... we've never interacted that much, and this is the most chatty you've been with me ever

Everything I've told you today was the truth. I'd hoped that you'd return the favor... but i guess not.

What makes you so sure I'm lying.

I can smell whenever you're uncomfortable... or when you're lying and you lie a lot... that's why I wanted to talk to you...

It took me 3 months, a huge fight before I was honest... not only with Wade, but myself... but it also took Vanessa telling me to stop being such a little bitch... so Greg, learn from an old mans mistakes... how much time have you already wasted... how much time do you have left?

I don't really follow what you're trying to tell me here.

I've watched you trip James every chance you get... I did see you trip him in the hall, I heard you too... just so you know...

I've heard you make cruel jokes at his expense, and you've said terrible mean-spirited things to him about his appearance, his personal choices... every time I've had the opportunity to observe you and my son together you've been a class A pure bread dickhead.

*snikt*

Logan brandishing his claws for emphasis lightly taps on the coffee table.

The only reason I haven't stabbed you and tossed you in the river... is because I can literally smell the truth on both of you and its so fucking stupid because of how familiar it is. You two love each other... I can smell the attraction. You're a grown ass man... it's time you put the school yard phase of expressing your feelings about it behind you.

I suggest you be honest with my son. But that choice is yours and this conversation, just between you and me.

Walking towards his office, he left Greg to be alone with his thoughts. But he added a parting shot.

I may not be the greatest detective, but your attitude towards my son is no mystery to me. I know why you're such a grumpy fuck too. But that's a conversation for another day.

Link to next chapter below.

[sirwadewilsonfromimgur]

Deadpool and Wolverine: KCAU Christmas Special

[Authors note: it is a Christmas miracle that I got this chapter out today... Merry Christmas! The next chapters will still be Christmas themed well into the new year]

Part 3

Home coming.

The flight was nice, and it was pleasant to not be molested by the TSA and hobble around waiting for them to finish looking at Greg's Cain. Always annoying, what could anyone possibly sneak in a cain that wasn't an already affective weapon other than the cain itself! And don't say a sword because those cheap things can ba spotted a mile away everyone knows your gothy cain with a cobra head handle has a long knife on the end of it we here it clanging every step you take.

Ellie picked them up at the Wheeler airport, excited to see her bother and his friend.

She was right there on the tarmac. The second James was off the plane, she jumped, grabbed him in a hug, and spun him around with a strength one wouldn't suspect from the 6 foot tall women of average looking build.

I've missed you so much! Though you did spoil my fun. I was going to kidnap you myself if you didn't show up! I even had a big bag picked out, I was going to put you in!

I hope it was a nice one. You know how burlap is chaffing.

It was a big red Santa bag... wanted to be festive for dad!

Ellie was always playfully teasing of her brother... typical of most siblings... but in career and personality, she more openly took after their father Wade. Ellie was a premier assassin and jr executive of MFM "the Family business" Ellie was in charge of the black ops devision, doing "wet work" for world governments that want culpable deniability when someone turns up dead. Ellie loved her job, her dad's, and her brother and sister... everyone else should probably live in fear.

Greg looked at her, Ellie was of darker complexion than James. but in the face, you could tell they were related, James had told him that technically, she was his half-sister... but they never regard each other as such. That was his sister full stop, they grew up together and only ever knew Wade and Logan as parents.

In a bubble gum sweet voice, she informed James and Greg that this year was going to be a blowout!

It's going to be great this year, little brother Aunt Vanessa and Dermot, Uncle Colossus, Peter, Jeff, Laura, Warhead, Yukio, Dopender, Father Kurt, and Uncle Morph are all going to be at Christmas eve dinner. Dad is making his famous Lasagna and Papa cought two pheasants with his bare fucking hands for Christmas day dinner it was amazing! Don't worry, Greg. we'll have prime rib for Christmas dinner as well if you find the bird to gamey.

Wait... circle back... Uncle Morph is going to be in town... will he be staying the night?

They got him a room at the Westin Crown Center... why?

You know why!

Oh.... ooohhhh, ha! I guess Dad and Papa really are going to have a Merry Christmas.

What's wrong with having your uncle Morph staying the night? ... and why do half of the people mentioned have weird names? Morph, Warhead, Colossus?

Morph's birth name is Kevin... he just doesn't like to use it... and frankly, dads not a fan it either, so that's what we all call him. Just a preference. As for why it's a concern... I'll tell you later.

Don't be so shy, James. You brought him home for Christmas, so he must be family... its ok if he knows that our parents and uncle Morph fuck nasty any time he's in town.

Jesus christ, Ellie! You know how uncomfortable talking about them like that makes me. *visibly shudders*

I can't help that our parents are possibly the hornie-est men to ever walk the earth! Might as we joke about it.

Well, that totally makes sense about James then.

I don't like where you're going with this House!

What, the offspring of concupiscent old men is clearly bothered by overt sexuality because he, in truth. has had three divorces because he can't keep it in his perverbial pants!

I knew i liked you Greg! *laughs loudly*

I'm not a psychologist, but it sounds like he's got you nailed down, little brother

As she said this, she turned the car into the driveway of the tower they'd both called home. She again let out a chuckle when she saw in the rear view mirror the deep shade of red James was currently blushing.

One park place hadn't changed much. At least not in a way one could detect. The on-site security was now directly contracted through MFM at very reasonable rates, and every floor had been fitted with bomb resistant glass... at least since "the incident" in 2058... Logan and Wade had paid through the teeth for that little upgrade. But other than that, they were actually at peace with their neighbors. 700 W 31st Street was probably the second most secure building in the city. The only one more secure being the Federal Reserve Bank building down the street. Things were going well until they got to the 19th floor, and Greg triped James coming out of the elevator.

My dad probably saw that! Ass!

Saw what! I don't know what you're talking about. Also, are you gonna run to your daddy all week with your problems?

He's actually probably right... there are security cameras... this is the most secure floor in the building. Just our place and neighbor Dave... you're cute, Greg, but I'd take it easy joshing with your boyfriend... dad wouldn't hesitate to shoot you point blank if he thinks you're a threat to one of his babies.

He's not my boyfriend...

Sure James....

See what I have to deal with Ellie!? He breaks my heart!

They approached the ornate double doors that lead into the condo... Penthouse would be a better description. They were actually new. A veneer of teak wood covering inch thick steel with intricate carvings of bullets, swords, claws, guns, and battle scenes. It looked like it belonged on the front of a temple dedicated to God's of war and violence... Ellie put a key in the door, unlocked it, and opened it.

No sooner than they had passed the threshold like a flash Logan was on all fours running at them. Closing the distance, he pounced arms wide open, knocking all three on the ground. Sniffing them and kissing their cheeks, Logan allowed himself to go a little feral and play rough with his kits. It was the holiday season after all... The fact that Gregory was caught in the crossfire knocked on his ass into the dog pile was another problem entirely!

My babies! ... and some guy? *Sniff* Why do you smell a little like Wade!?

For the love of god, please get off my leg!

Logan stood up and helped Greg to his feet. James handed him his cain as Greg quickly pulled out a pill bottle from his jacket pocket and dry swallowed three pills.

By this time, Wade had already walked up to them.

Sorry about my husband. He's very excited to see all of you. I hope you're ok... If you're not, I hope Kitten had you sign the traditional family liability release forms...

Is that a thing now?

It's not Kitten. Wade extended a hand to Greg... he'd slipped a hundred dollars in his hand by way of apology... I know who you are! It's nice to finally meet you, James talks an unhealthy amount about you. I always did like a guy named Hugh. He said, winking at us.

*Confused* my name is Gregory House, Mr. Wilson.

Sure, it is sun-shine, also Ick don't call me that... it's Wade, or Deadpool if ya nasty...

Leaving Greg to deal with pleasantries by himself, Jams grabbed his and House's Bags. Turned right and walked down the halway like he'd done thousands of times in the past. He detected the faint smell of cigar smoke as he walked past the office. It triggered a little nostalgia. It smelled like his dad Logan and the bear hugs he'd given him when he was a child. He always fet safe in the man's massive arms... truth be told for all the madness of his father's... James always felt safe at home. They were a danger to themselves and definitely others... but not him. They'd do anything for him. He was always quietly grateful for that aspect of his childhood.

He'd walk all the way down the hall... last door on the left. His room, the room he was born in, as a matter of fact. Apart from being immaculately clean, it was just as he'd left it since he moved out. It was December. The sun was already setting over the horizon... soon, the automatic blackout curtains would come down and block the entire east wall of his room made entirely of floor to ceiling windows.

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Before that though the golden glow reflected off the fresh snow was brilliant. In the distance he could make out the top of the massive tree in the heart of crown center. The view is bitter sweet... he remembers loving christmas as a kid... it was the only time for sure that both his dad's were home and "Santa" never held back... it was always an embarrassment of riches... now... now christmas was exhausting... there was never enough time, and Wade Wilson didn't exactly loose his zeal, he got older and leaned more into to christmas... James knew he was due to get roped into a big family Christmas sooner or later... he skipped the last two Christmases... his dad face timed him so that he was sure to see the tears...

He tossed the bags on the ridiculously large Texas king bed... he'd unpack later, unless Mrs. Mangracina, the ancient cleaning lady who'd been working there since before he was born, decided to do it... not one of her official responsibilities, but she did shit like that anyway... she fancied herself a butler for the family at times. to James, she was more of a second grandma, only Italian flavored... she and his grandma Al were actually pretty close. They'd go to bingo and Mass at Our Lady of Perpetual Help Catholic Church on Broadway. She'd confided in the family that she lost her best friend when Althea passed... James fully expected her to be there at Christmas Eve dinner, not as an employee but as a guest and member of the family. A lot of people were going to be there...

If Luara was going to be here she'd take up the guest room... no one was allowed in Grandma's room since she'd passed away... house was in For a surprise... they'd be sharing a bed this week.

Later that night at dinner, Gregory had pulled all of his usual antics and made himself look like a perfect ass... he'd eaten food off James's plate... to the point of just straight-up switching plates with him. telling embarrassing stories and wildly inappropriate jokes at the table... the only people laughing, being Wade and Ellie. They didn't realize what kind of gasoline they were throwing on the fire by encouraging him... or maybe they did. Agents of chaos the both of them. Logan was stoic in the face of it as usual, while Laura actually popped her claws and announced that's enough when she thought Greg punched James a little too hard when he was punctuating a joke at his expense.

The perfect start to a week that was guaranteed to get more chaotic... shortly after Greg and James retired to his bedroom...

James had already showered and settled in to bed with a book when Greg exited the bathroom in his pajamas.

What the fuck is that!

Pointing on at the grayish blue ball of wrinkles cuddling on the bed...

It's Merry, Greg. Do you need an MRI you saw my dad feeding here when we had dinner...

Sorry, let me rephrase. Why the fuck is that... specifically why is it in the bed... Marry has always slept with me since I was little... you didn't let Hector in the Bed?

I didn't... hold on... how old is that dog?

Well, my parents had her before I was born... so tack on a few years, I'd say 47 give or take.

That's impossible...

She's like my Dad's... I'm not a hundred percent certain she can die. My Aunt Vaness told me that Mary is an alternate universe version of my dad, Wade... that's why she's always been close with me... I'm her puppy.

Kitten... puppy... you got any more weird pet names?

Why... you feeling romantic?

Greg looked at James with disgust and then shot a look at the dog with less disgust and more incredulity. Quickly changing the subject.

Thats cute and all, but I'm going to sleep on the couch. I can't have a dog jumping on me or you kicking me...

*Sigh* Greg, this bed is so big it'd take effort to kick you... but also, I promise you'd be less comfortable out there. Unless you got ear plugs.

Why?

this is the best room for the noise you can't hear anything on this side of the condo... you don't want to be within ear shot of the Master bedroom here in about an hour... even with all the soundproofing... Also, having guests in the house doesn't always stop them from fighting.

They fight, every night?

Like clock work... some nights are worse than others, sometimes they throw things... I'm almost certain they throw each other across the room. But that's not the worst of it... first comes the screams of pain... and then... I can't believe I'm saying this much less thinking about it... the screams of Ecstasy...

They fight as foreplay?

Yes, and I haven't been ok since I was 15 and figured that out... if my Grandma was still alive, she'd go into great detail about how they used to be worse.

Wait, isn't the guest room next to their room?

Laura Went to a bar, she won't be home until their *gags* done.

Fine... you and your rodent mother scoot over.

Careful how you talk to Mary... she's smarter than most people give her credit for...

Noted, I guess since she's your mom, she's in here chaparoning... so hands above the blankets tonight.

He winked at the dog, who shockingly winked back. Greg shook his head as he got into bed using a few extra pillows to build a barricade between his bad leg and Wilson who despite how big the bed was, is a notorious sleep kicker.

We'd better get some sleep... it's going to be a long week.

Wilson turned out the lights and slowly sleep overcame them.

Link to part 4

[sirwadewilsonfromimgur]

Deadpool and Wolverine KCAU Christmas Special

Part 2

Authors note: This part of the story has been broken up into chapters to make it an easier read and more manageable for me... fair warning, this is 2065. It's an adult Dr. James Wilson story which as you may or may not know, unless you've read my other stuff, is a Marvel and House MD crosover-vers... So come play with me in my sandbox.

New Jersey Earth-10005

Christmas time 2065

Chapter 1

It was the week before Christmas, Princeton-Plainsboro Hospital dosn't stop working for holidays. James was already having a shit day as he walked in to his office... his friend Gregory house was behind his desk, likely waiting for him or hiding from someone. You never really knew... he was on the phone with someone.

I know right, its crazy how... oh, he just walked in.

Who are you on the phone with?

Your sister Ellie, fun gal. We were just discussing your high-school years. She called for you, but I was already here so I took the call for you...

God damn it! Give me the phone...

Hello.

Hello James, your friend Greg is hilarious, I hope no one ever pays me to kill him...

Why do you always say creepy shit like that, Ellie. Can't anyone in this damn family have a normal phone conversation?

Oh, we sound a little testy today. I'll cut to the chaise... Dad wants all of us home for Christmas this year. Including you and Laura. He wants to do a whole thing... your presence... is not optional thos year. I'll see you on Monday.

Ellie thats fucking ridiculous.

I am busy. People don't stop getting sick just because it's December. I'm a doctor. i can't just take a week off without notice... I know that's a hard concept since you decided to make it your vocation to put people in hospitals or worse.

Or worse cost extra, but that's besides the point...We all make choices, little brother.

The question is, are you prepared to deal with the consequences...

You can get in the jet dad will 100% send on Monday, fly home for the week willingly

Or....

Deal with Laura when she comes to collect you along with her entourage of Xmen... I'm sure the hospital staff will love that.

I don't think they're in the business of kidnapping doctors. Laura wouldn't do that even for dad.

Well, I would... and I'll bring all my favorite armed thugs to help... Or I suppose we could do christmas in New Jersey. As long as we're all together. Right?

Eleanor... you're a bitch.

Love you too, James... oh... and don't be surprised if dad hasn't already called that Cuddy Lady...

My Boss!

You know dad, I told him you'd tell me you're busy... so he was likely proactive. She is either terrified or the proud recipient of some large donation oooor "porque no los dos" as Laura would say.

James hung up the phone. He knew Ellie was serious, when Wade Wilson set his mind to it, he was focused and rarely didn't achieve his goals... a admirable trait. Until a gang of paramilitary goons show up to kidnap you so you don't miss traditional christmas eve lasagna.

-Cut to Wilson in Cuddys office-

He'd explained to her the situation... and she was well aware of the consequences. Wilson's relationship with his father was almost as crazy as his relationship with House...

She recalled a time before she was Dean of medicine. When Wade found out Wilson had received a mediocre review... he'd used his considerable influence and threats of violence to have the accreditation board threaten to pull certification from the hospital until it was remedied...

that's actually how she got the position. The previous dean was regularly harassed any time he felt Wilson was slighted, and finally, he couldn't take it anymore and retired early... to Wilsons credit, he had no idea this was going on until Cuddy took the job. the previous dean was probably threatened into silence on the subject, too...

Cuddy was never one to be bullied and had come clean with James about all of his father's antics shortly after taking the position. Wade Wilson was dangerous, but she'd be damned if she'd let a mercenary tell her how to run a hospital

Wilson quickly put a stop to this behavior and added that Cuddy was a friend knowing that bare minimum his dad would be less threatening to one of "Kittens" friends.

She agreed to give him the week off despite late notice and the myriad of other HR and staffing problems associated with being short a doctor on one condition... he had to take Greg with him... she didn't have the time or patience to Deal with the illustrious Dr House without Wilson to help her.

By the time he'd gotten back to his office house hadn't really moved much... sitting behind Wilson's desk playing on his phone...

Don't you have a patient or something to attend to?

Actually, no... none worth my time anyway... Forman and the cute australian one can handle what is obviously subclinical measles with a secondary flu infection... vaccinate your kids... idiots.

Well, since you're not busy, I guess you'd be ok leaving early with me and packing for a trip... I'd like you to come to Kansas city with me for Christmas...

Kinda short notice to book a flight. he said suspiciously

it'll be a direct flight, Private... no TSA and probably a bottle of Dom Pérignon. he said this in a tone of playful temptation.

I thought you were Jewish?

On paper I am... I converted for Bonnie when we got married, House... you were there at the wedding... I told you this.

like I keep track of your current brand of imaginary friend that closely... I do remember that marriage ending because despite converting to Judaism, you couldn't get a grasp on the Seventh Commandment in particular

Ok, ouch.

That leads me to my next question. What makes you think I want to go with you to your weird families christmas?

Because if you don't... unless you get an interesting case soon, Cuddy said you'd be scheduled 12 hour shifts in the clinic every day next week.

Damn it...

I suppose I will go with you to the middle of bum fuck and flyover and enjoy a country christmas on the ranch with you... not like I have a choice, besides I've never really had the chance to get to know your parents. I drank so much at the last wedding. The only thing I remember of them is one of them wore a red mask... and the other looked like an angry Calvin Kline model.

Kansas City is an actual metropolitan. My parents live in a high rise, not on a ranch... and dad... can be kind of shy in large groups of people he doesn't know.

Well, since im not allowed to be unsupervised, there are worse places to be in December... like the clinic, holiday ailments are the worst. At least one person has an ornament shoved up their ass... But it beats the hell out of spending the holidays with my parents. You're lucky, really. My dad was a Marine constantly moving... or abandoning me with my grandmother.

Oh, are we playing this game? I was raised by a mentally unstable warlord with a gun fetish and his Victorian era husband the worlds grummpiest teddy bear who has knives in his hands and PTSD from the American Civil War.... and a grandmother who did more drugs than every member of the Rolling stones combined, and she liked to tell me wildly inappropriate stories... usually about my dad's banging, or how she was a sultry honey pot when she worked for MI6.

well, my grandmother beat me..

Jesus fine, you win.

on that note, Johns Hopkins didn't exactly have a good mutant biology program... if they're both genetically you parents shouldn't you *waves his hands in the air making mock magical gestures* have some power

I'm pretty sure my mutant ability is loving and tolerating reprobates and assholes.

It takes one to know one, James...

Our story ends here for now... the boys go home and pack for a week in Kansas City.

Wade had indeed arranged for a car to pick them up and take them to a private air strip where a Gulfstream G700 was waiting for them

Fancy!

Trust me, it gets old quick.

Link to Chapter 3

Silly photo shop for fun.

[sirwadewilsonfromimgur]

Reblog because it did the things where it published days before it was supposed to so i had to make it private until done.

Deadpool and Wolverine: KCAU

Christmas Special

Part 5

The Christmas party

Authous note: This story is organized into scenes. It's a party with lots of interactions. I'm sorry for cutting the Father Kurt scene. This may be a bonus later, but it's February, and I'm still doing Christmas shit. Shout-out to @nuggetpool-hi for translation work and @icarusredwings for Workshoping these scenes with me.

Our scene actually opens up in the far flug future... Logan and Wade haven't aged a day since July 2024, though. A cabin in the deep woods nestled in a valley between gigantic mountains... Wade is holding a photo album and a baby girl.

Ok Gabby, Grampa is going to tell you a christmas story, but this one is about your Uncle James.... he was a good boy. Well behaved, and I loved him. Just like I love you... he was a doctor, he saved lives... he wasn't like me or your gump-pa.

but your uncle James did have one family tradition he just couldn't escape... Toxic old man yaoi. Yup, he was doomed by the narrative to be nothing like his parents and exactly like his parents... flipping open the album he turns to a page. James and Greg are standing with Ellie and Mary puppens in front of a large christmas tree decorated with ornaments and lights of various shades of Yellow, Black, Blue and Red. On top was a golden inverted star that had the words "Hail Santa" emblazoned on it. The little girl coos as Wade carefully shows her the picture and our story opens up on the Christmas eve of 2065.

Christmas eve was a buisy occasion and Wade and Logan were the consummate hosts. Dozens of bottles of Asti were chilling in buckets of ice and Wade had made enough lasagna to feed an army...

The immediate challenge for James was getting Greg through cocktail hour without him stirring up drama for fun.

Laura had decided to play bar tender that night and busied herself at the end of the kitchen counter setting up liquor and glasses.

Ellie was at the door greeting the guest as they came in. James and House were in the living room by the impressively sized christmas tree, martini's in hand.

Logan and wade walked over to Laura to get themselves a drink as well.

-Scene one- (telenovela navidad)

Logan, Wade, Laura, James, House

Papá.. no me gusta como Greg jode a James

OH mi amor, solo son gays, es su manera de coquetear con él

....Acaso soy la única hetero en esta familia?

Sí.

hasta el perro?

Pos si Mary le da a to, bi seguramente

*Laura mira a la perra*

Mary: *ladra en español*

Puta madre ahora soy yo la minoría

Greg hears Laura having her conversation with her dads... not knowing that he spoke Spanish...

I don't think your sister Luara likes me...

She grew up in a desert wasteland and had to fight to survive she doesn't like a lot of people.

Calling Mexico a desert wasteland sounds a little racist.

I wasn't referring to Mexico... Ass! there's a place called the Void. My dad's found her there... dad used to tell me stories. It's a nightmare world in-between all the worlds... it's where they fell in love.

Of course... they fell in love in a nightmare, hell scape.

It's also why they're not allowed within 50 yards of a Honda dealership... at least that's what Grandma told me years ago.

-Scene 2- (Father knows best)

Wade, James, Greg

Once the party had gotten into full swing, Wade had retired to the bedroom only to shortly return in a tight fitting party dress

A strapless red dress it was brocaded with little silver pine trees. A fox stole was draped around his shoulder... James had told Greg who was taken a little by surprise that the fox was cought by Logan. He'd skinned and treated it and presented it to Wade as an anniversary gift a few years back...

P. e.t.a. is on the long list of people whom have personal beef with Wade and Logan.

Wade walks over to them...

How are you and your boyfriend doing over here kitten?

I'm not gay dad! You were at my wedding's

Wow, all three.

Shut up House!

Fine! Your roommate *he says with exaggerated air quotes* anyways! Yes, I remember your weddings. They were very nice... I also remember writing a check for all three divorce attorneys fees.

For the record, you didn't have to do that.

Kitten, I love you, but your taste in women is equally matched by your taste in attorneys. It's just awful... Thank god we keep Jeff on retainer, and since we're on the record. Your dad and I technically aren't gay either. Ya salty, sally! Shame though, because Greg sure is handsome *winks at Greg* I've always liked a man with permanent 5 o'clock shadow and stubble. Forgive me for assuming that the apple hadn't fallen far from the queer tree.

-Scene 3- (House asks a shark a lot of questions)

Greg, Jeff, James, Sam

In the Howlett-Wilson household, parties were pretty informal affairs. Some people showed up early, and some a little late... Father Wagners "Bamf time" always varies from where he started. Cocktail hour (which is usually a couple hours) was how they made up for that, so everyone was at the dinner table at the same time. So it wasn't unexpected when Jeff and his personal assistant and paralegal Sam walked in half an hour after the party started.

<whispering in a gosspy tone>

James what the fuck just walked in!?

James, seeing the old family friend, nonchalantly answered. That's Jeff and Sam. Jeff is the family attorney. I told you he'd be here.

Yeah but he's a fucking shark! You didn't tell me he'd be a shark!

Lots of attorneys are sharks, James said with a chuckle.

Seeing that Greg was still processing things, he remembered that the little section of New Jersey they lived in didn't see a lot of non-humans nor a lot of mutants...

He specifically is a land shark. Jeff and my dad are old friends. Jeff went to Harvard and is an incredibly talented litigater. He once got both my dads off war crimes charges at The Hague. Though his critics would say he won that case entirely by being distractingly cute.

No, I believe you, Wilson... but how is he breathing? I see gills over his little suit jacket.

You could ask him. He's very friendly.

James grabbed House by the hand and introduced the two of them to House.

Hello James. It's good to see you. It's a pleasure to meet your friend Greg. I hope you've been staying out of trouble.... though if not, I've been brushing up on medical malpractice law *chuckles*

The shark spoke through electronic assistance. Below the collar of his suit on his neck was a transponder developed by Parker Industries that translated Jeffs grunts chirps and vocalizations into English. A voice came out of his phone via Bluetooth connection that sounded a little A.I. generated but not as stilted and monotone as the late Steven hawking, not perfectly, but emotion and tone could be expressed.

Sam returned with an extra dirty low tide Martini for Jeff who liked the brine of canned tuna... and some of the tuna as a garnish added to his...

James tells me you're quite the talented attorney.

Well, i like to think so... but being a cute littel shark has been a benefit... i disarm people with my cuteness... then I tear them to shreds on the stands.

Where do you get your suits?

As you can imagine, until they make off the rack clothes in shark sizes, i have to have them custom-made... with the company I keep *he looks over at Wade Luara and Logan* i have connections to several custom Taylor's whom are discreet and talented

Cool, cool.... how do you breathe

Honestly... I don't know...

(and neither does the author... couldn't find any lore, and he didn't feel like making any up in case there is some out there... lazy writing if you ask me.)

Was Harvard law hard for you?

The academic part? No... everything else... Kinda. I'm grateful that I have Sam around. It's hard for me to type things and hold a pen.... or drive a car or other activities that bipedal humans can do regularly...

*looking at sam* do you do everything for him?

That'd be a gross exaggeration... Jeff is completely capable of a lot of things. I merely provide reasonable accommodation for the things he can't do... i'm also a paralegal, so i perform the necessary tasks for his firm, such as legal research, fact-finding and checking, interviewing clients, and helping him in court... as well as less glamorous things like paperwork.

So, do you have a girlfriend? Are you a mutant? You always been a shark? How would it work biologically if you had a girlfriend?

*blushing* I... that's a little personal, don't you think?

It is! <whispering> damn it Greg, you can't just ask people how they fuck...

That's not what i said!

That's not the point... I'm sorry jeff please excuse Greg. He's... he's just very curious... excuse us.

Grabbing Greg by the hand, James walks away from the tiny shark attorney and his friend.

That was weird...

Not really, Sam... not in this house. Honestly, that was mild..... i might find him and answer his questions... I just didn't want to talk about it in front of you and James... don't really want to discuss my intimate stuff in front of my godson, ya know.

That's fair... so I got the vibe they're dating...

Oh, absolutely. Not to gossip about a client, but his dad tells me they're roommates... apparently, everyone knows they're together but them. Poor fools.

<chuckles> Scandalous

-Scen 4- Perfect end to a perfect evening.

Logan, Wade, Greg, James, Morph/Kevin

The party went very well and dinner went smoothly, the gayety of the holiday season and the warm conversation was as close to a perfect Norman Rockwell portrait of holiday biss as you were going tobget in this house. No fighting, no shots fired or hands stabbed... James was nervously waiting for the shoe to drop because even Greg had behaved himself engaging in polite dinner conversation...

They made it the whole night through like this... Logan, Wade, Greg and James were getting ready to call it a night... Greg came with 4 champagne glasses.

One last drink for the night, and a toast to our excellent hosts

James absolutely knew something was going on... but didn't put it together until both of his father's had downed their drinks...

Wait dad don't.... shit...

Merely seconds later Logan spoke.

I feel... Drunk, I'm not supposed to feel drunk... not like this *Logan slurred the last sentence*

Well. Logan, I took your advice. I'm being honest with myself... and I'm doing something nice for James...

I've taken the liberty of making a special cocktail for you... your champagne has a heroic dose of Nembutal and Halcion.

You two are exhausting, and if anything James deserves one christmas without the sound of you two perverts going at it like dogs in heat the night before... and the fighting and the constant rambling, seriously Wade do you ever shut up?

Oh Peeeenut... I like him. He's a keeper Kitten. Wade said sleepily before collapsing on the floor.

Bub I....

Logan didn't get the last words out. He fell face forward on to the ground with a loud almost metallic thud cracking one of the granite tiles below him.

Greg! What the fuck!

Merry Christmas!

By the way how heavy is your dad...

About 600 pounds why?

I may have miscalculated his Dose.

He has a metal skeleton...

That's an interesting mutation... I may have killed him.

Wouldn't be the first time someone has killed him, and the metal skeleton is something the Canadian government did to him...

Jesus I thought those people were supposed to be nice.

For fuck sake after a week with my Canadian parents I'd hoped you'd realize thats a myth by now... you should go they're going to wake up shortly. And it's gonna take me and dad both to keep Papa from stabbing you... he really really doesn't react well to being drugged against his will.

No, they won't... when your dad was drinking with me, I observed that half a bottle of everclear had a mild seditve affect after about a minute from ingestion.

He was drunk?

Yes barely...

And it lasted for about 5 minutes before he expressed having a mild hangover for about 12 minutes, then he was sober. I know we don't work with a lot of patients with hyper metabolism or healing factors, but I have observed it. I was able to calculate that his and your other father's metabolism has an increased factor of about 97... 9 grams of Nembutal is enough to kill a normal human... I gave them 100 grams each between that and the Halcion... they will be asleep until morning...

Well, we better move my dad next to Papa, since you sure as shit can't help me lift him in to bed we're just gonna leave them here on the floor...

why do they have to be next to each other?

They're going to be unhappy as it is when they wake up... they freak out when they don't wake up next to each other... it's a thing...

That thing is called being toxicly codependent and you've spent your life catering to that...

Greg my parents love me.

I'm not saying they don't. Trust me, they clearly love you... but they're also a mess, and you've always gotta fix everything and help people... it's what makes you a great doctor... but it also makes you crazy around those two... because they need sooooo much help. so as soon as we put the hit man husbands in their designated dog pile You and I are going to raid that wine fridge for something expensive and watch Rankin and Bass christmas specials and enjoy a quiet christmas evening.

Later that night, the boys had indeed watched cheesy stop motion christmas specials. They had just finished Rudolf, the red noise reindeer when Morph walked out of the Master bedroom in a red dress.

I have been in there dressed as Jessica Rabbit for two hours. What is taking you two.... OH MY GOD! James what the fuck did you do to your dads!

*Pointing at the piled up mercenaries on the floor*

Damn it... yeah. I'm sorry, Uncle Kevin, but they're out cold for the night... sorry for ruining your christmas...

Well shit... It's ok. We still got the weekend, just won't be as special... I guess I got the big bed to myself tonight.... good night boys...

Uncle Kev... before you go. Is that one of my dad's dresses, or did you bring your own?

Kid... red isn't really my color... Now yellow... he says this as he transforms into a picture-perfect copy of Logan. Yellow is more my style... I'm gonna go occupy myself...

Again, sorry. but before you exact your revenge... I want you to know it's 100% Gregorys fault, he drugged them...

Traitor!

Secen 6 On the Jet

The following morning, cooler heads prevailed... they did not, in fact, cut Gregory into thin ribbons. Logan had actually had the best sleep hed had in probably 20 years... they forgave and chalked it up to normal Howlett-Wilson household shenanigans. Wade actually appreciated how clever the sly doctor was. But as they say. All good things come to an end, and Jame and Greg were soon wisked away to the airport to return home to New Jersey.

Wilson... despite drugging him, your dad Wade handed me this before we left... told me not to open it until we were on the plane...

Well, I'm here, so I doubt it's a bomb.

Greg opens the box and understands why it was so suspiciously heavy. He pulled out a gold brick and a note and showed it to Wilson...

Dad has always been weird with gifts... what's the note say...

It says, "Merry Christmas and welcome to the family, I stole this from Saddam hussein in the 90s. It's yours now.... Wilson... I'm pretty sure this is your dowry

Greg... you could go over to him and ask...

Sure...

James... I actually need to talk to you about something.

The end