#dcanniversary

[billiewena]

if you can understand the me, then I can understand the you

aka metallicanatural for @heres-to-evil-skanks for the @dcanniversaryexchange (youtube)

tw: flashing, blood, violence

[crabs-but-better]

Not Your Pet Angel

In which Cas gets fed up with the Winchesters not defending him when monsters call him their ‘pet angel’ or ‘lap dog’ or whatever. And Dean and Cas talk about their feelings. 

I literally wrote this in one sitting so excuse spelling mistakes, etc. 

-- Castiel had heard it over and over. “Pet angel,” “lap dog,” the works. He had tried not to let it get to him. He really did. But when the Winchesters did nothing to deny it, to defend him, he started to believe it. All the times when Dean called him for help with a case, for company when he was alone, maybe that’s all he was, a pet. In those nights he spent alone, sitting in the bunker, or at a lonely motel, he let his doubts overtake him. Were the Winchesters really keeping him around just because they needed him? He’d seen it in others, Ketch, Donatello, but he had always thought, always believed, that he stayed with them out of love. Well, he did, but did they? Day after day, these thoughts, doubts, boiled inside Castiel until they threatened to boil over. Until one day, they did. 

It was your normal, run-of-the-mill vamp hunt, of course a nest that had heard of the infamous Winchester brothers and their angel who went around terrorizing monsters around the country. They knew the rumors. They used it against them, yet again. 

Castiel was tied up in a chair, the vampires had overpowered him. Cas felt useless, weak. From the other room he could hear the conversation.

“What’cha gonna do without your precious angel, boys?” One hissed. Cas’ heart sank. A fuss, the clang of a machete cutting through flesh and bone, footsteps. Dean was there to free Castiel from the ropes. 

“Cas, hey, are you hurt?” Dean looked over the angel, who obviously wasn’t. 

“No.” 

Dean sighed. “Good. Let's go.” 

Castiel couldn’t stop thinking about it. Over and over, the words played in his head. Your angel. Your angel. Your angel. He wasn’t anyone’s property. Even after they had made it to the safety of the Impala, heard her roar to life and carry them away, he couldn’t. 

“So I’m thinkin, we hit up the burger joint on the way back north, get a bite to eat before the next case.”

“Sounds good.” Cas said, absently. 

“Hey, Cas,” Sam turned around. “Somethin’s been off with you. Are you feeling alright?” 

“Yes.” Cas sighed. “No. I don’t know.”

“What does that mean?” Dean poked. 

“It means, I’m tired of being called your ‘pet angel’ or your ‘lap dog’ or whatever else people think I am” Cas rolled his eyes. “And to not hear you defend me is what really hurts.” 

“You know we don’t think that about you, Cas.” Dean turned around.

“Dean! Eyes on the road!” Sam shouted. Dean swerved. 

“Yeah.” Cas sighed. 

Later, the three settled in at a motel somewhere between Nevada and Idaho, kicked off their shoes and had a few beers. They ordered pizza, but when the delivery driver never showed up, Sam was sent to either find him or go get more pizza. He nearly ran out the door, glad to escape from the tension. 

The room was silent, save for the quiet humming of the air conditioner that didn’t really need to be running. Neither Cas nor Dean wanted to be the first to get up to turn it off. Somewhere, a dog barked and somewhere, a clock ticked. 

“Cas, about what you said earlier…” 

“If you’re wondering if I want to talk about it, the answer is no.”

“I can’t, Cas, if we don’t talk about it, I don’t know how I can help you.” 

Cas stood up. “You misunderstand, both of you! I don’t want help.” 

“Then what do you want!” 

Cas opened his mouth, then closed it. He tried to speak, but everything he wanted to say wouldn’t come out in a way Dean would understand. Or hear. He cursed under his breath. 

“I want..” He looked at the carpet like it was the most interesting thing he had ever seen. 

“What?” Dean leaned forward.

“Nevermind.” Cas turned and left. 

Dean wanted to get up and follow him. He wanted so badly to grab that man’s hand and pull him into a kiss as he walked out that door. He wanted so many things. So many things he couldn’t have. Never. So instead he just followed. He followed Cas out into the brisk night, into the parking lot that smelled like fresh cigarette smoke and laundry detergent. The light above them flickered, then went out, leaving them totally alone. 

“Cas, you’re- you’re my best friend. I..I’m not sure where I’d be right now without you. And I can’t stand the thought of some monster’s offhand comments making you feel like this. Please don’t think I stay just because you’re useful. I'm staying with you because-” 

“Just stop. I’ve seen how you use and dispose of others. I can’t help but think I’m no different. Am I wrong for that?” 

“Yes!” 

“Why? How am I different from anyone else you’ve ever used?” 

“Hey, stop that. Stop trying to convince yourself that we’re using you. We’re not.”

Cas didn’t say anything. He believed Dean. He always does. But something still nagged at the base of Cas’ chest. 

“I should go. I told Claire I’d meet her in the morning for a case.” 

“When did you-” Dean reached for Cas, but he got in a random stranger’s car and drove away before he could finish. 

Dean returned to the room and finished his drink before Sam returned with a bag of pizza and a very scared pizza man. 

“What’s with the..” He gestured to the scene. 

“Monster. Ran the kid off the road. We have pizza, though” Sam half smiled and raised the bag. 

Dean shrugged. 

“Where’s Cas?” Sam looked around. 

“Drove off. Said he had to meet Claire in the morning. I don’t know.” 

“Sounds about right.” 

“What-”

“When are we gonna talk about the thing that tried to kill me not 20 minutes ago?” The kid interrupted. “And who are you guys?” 

Dean motioned to a chair. “Si’down, I guess.” 

Minutes later, Sam and Dean concluded it was some sort of ghost. There had been rumors of a man who’d been killed in a car accident on that same road. Nothing more than a regular salt n’ burn case. The kid was still sort of trembling, but they set him up in another room with some Netflix. 

“Rob Dersy, died in 1948, buried in the Taft Avenue Cemetery alongside his wife and children.” Sam read from the file. 

“Mhm,” Dean nodded. 

“The kid said there’s been rumors about the ghost since he was little, how did we miss this so close to home?” 

“Dunno.” 

“Dean,”

“What?” 

Sam sighed. “What went down while I was gone? I step out for twenty minutes and what? You two have some big fight?” 

“I don’t know Sammy, I guess he needed some space. We all do at some point.” Dean opened his third drink. 

Sam paused. “If it was just that, then what’s on your mind?” 

“Drop it.” 

“Dean-“

“I said drop it! I’m going to bed. See you tomorrow.” Dean flicked the light off and settled in. 

“G’night.” Sam said, the glow of the computer still illuminating his face. 

The night was cold, but Cas didn’t mind. The air was refreshing. And besides, angels don’t need warmth. He had parked just off of some country road and walked until he found a creek. There was a bridge crossing it, and Cas sat down, dangling his legs over the side. Nature had always been calming to him. His favorite creation, second only to, well…

It was a problem, how Cas couldn’t stop thinking of Dean. His voice, his smile, his little smile lines. And what if he was in love with someone who wouldn’t love him back? Or couldn’t? Cas didn’t want to think about that. In fact, he didn’t want to think about anything. He wished he could sleep, like the humans do when they want a break. A brief reprieve from consciousness. The closest he could get was to listen to the whispers of the trees and the song of the creek. That would be enough, for now. 

Should he return? Cas wondered. He had nowhere to go, besides wherever his feet took him, and he knew that inevitably they would take him back to the Winchesters. That was where he wanted to be. 

A twig snapped somewhere in the forest. Another one. Someone was coming. 

“Sir, this is private property. I am armed. Please put your hands where I can see them and stand up.” 

Cas obeyed. Then he saw who was pointing a gun at him. He squinted. “Donna?” 

“Castiel? What are you doing out here?” She lowered the gun. 

“I could ask you the same thing.” 

“I got a friend who owns a cabin out here. We’re on vacation this weekend, but her kid said she saw a strange man out here so I came to check it out.” 

“Ah. That would be me.” 

“So what’re you doin’ out here all alone?” 

“I, uh. It’s complicated.” Cas shook his head. 

“Aw. Relationship troubles?” Donna gestured to the direction of the cabin. “C’mon, let’s get you something to eat.” 

Before Castiel could deny that it was relationship troubles, or that angels don’t need to eat, Donna was leading him back to a little log cabin that was oddly clean and dainty for being all the way out in the woods like this. 

The inside was warm. The yellow light from the fireplace illuminated the walls and made for a very cozy feel. 

“Jill’s putting her son to bed. She’ll be out in a jiff.” 

Cas nodded. Donna pushed a cup of hot cocoa into his hands. 

“So tell me what you’ve gotten yourself into this time.” 

“It’s- don’t worry about it. It’s my problem.” 

Donna rolled her eyes. “You boys and your problems. Not everything is something you have to handle on your own.” 

Cas’ eyes got a little dewey. Here he was, somebody sitting across the kitchen table asking to take on his troubles. “It’s a long story.” 

“I have time.” 

Cas smiled. He told her about the comments, about what he hears and thinks. He told her about how he still feels he doesn’t belong. She reached out and held his hand. 

“It sounds like you need to tell them about this.” 

“I did,” Cas looked at the counter. 

“Did you?” 

“I-“ 

“Did you tell them what you wanted to say or did you tell them what you think they wanted to hear? It’s hard to tell the truth sometimes, but that’s how you build a relationship.” 

“Thank you, Donna.” 

“Anytime. You boys are like family. Is there something else you wanted to talk about?” 

Cas hesitated. “How..how do you know if you love someone?” 

Donna smiled, almost sadly. “It’s just a feeling. There’s not a concrete way to explain it. This person..when you’re around them, do you feel warm? Or safe?” 

“Yeah,” Cas fidgeted. “I guess he does.” 

“You should tell him.” Donna tapped Cas’ hand lightly. 

Cas’ heart beat faster at the thought of telling him. “What if he doesn’t feel the same way?” 

“If he doesn’t, then it’s whatever. He’ll stick around if he knows what's good for him.” 

Cas chuckled. “Thanks, Donna” 

She winked. “Well? Get to it!” 

“Right- right now?” 

“Well ya, unless you wanna stick around and talk to this old girl more.” 

“I- alright. I’ll see you around.” Cas stood to leave. Donna gave him a hug and a pat on the back to send him off. 

It was times like this when Cas especially wished he still had wings. Back in the day, he could've been back at the motel with the blink of an eye. He loved flying like he loved humanity, the wind on his face, flying through the sky where nothing could hurt him. Flying away from his feelings. He couldn’t do that now, though. No, he had to sit in the car with his feelings, stewing in his insecurities and doubts. Multiple times he tried to turn the car around, but his feet brought him back to the Winchesters like they always do. 

He walked up to the door, hands trembling. He opened the door like it was an emergency. Sam and Dean were deep in conversation about something, but they turned and looked at him anyway. 

“Cas, you’re back-”

“I need to talk to you, Dean. Uh, alone. Sorry Sam.” 

Sam put his hands up sarcastically and left. 

“What-whats up, buddy? You stormed out of here like your pants were on fire. I was..I was worried about you.”

“I’m in love with you Dean. I’m in love with you and I’m tired of trying to hide it and I- I know you don’t feel the same, but I needed to tell you anyways because it felt like I was keeping a secret and-” 

“Whoa, hey, slow down there. You what??” Dean stood up and walked over to Cas. 

“I love you, Dean.” Cas said, nearly a whisper. 

The look on Dean’s face could easily be mistaken for disgust. That’s what Cas thought it was, until Dean reached out and grabbed the belt hanging loose from Cas’ trenchcoat, pulling him close. He put his forehead against Cas’. 

“I love you too, Cas. God, I’ve loved you since the day I met you. I- I was waiting for you.” 

Cas’ heart stopped. This was the last thing he expected from this. Now, the love of his life was cradling him in his arms. He could feel Dean’s breath on his face, his neck. Right now, Dean’s lips were an inch away. And then they weren’t. Then they were on his. Dean was kissing Castiel. He was kissing him like the world was ending. And Cas did the same. Again. And again. And little ‘I love you’s whispered in between were what Cas clung to to keep him from drowning in the intimacy. 

Cas opened his eyes to remember the moment, and he realized Dean was crying. And he realized he was crying himself. He pulled Dean closer, hugged him tighter, and kissed him harder. 

I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you. 

He said it a million times. He said it with his very soul. He screamed it silently, in front of god and everyone. Castiel is in love with Dean Winchester and he’s not ashamed of it. 

After what seemed like eternity, the two broke apart. They stared into each other’s teary eyes, breathless. 

“Cas-”

Dean was interrupted by knocking on the door. 

“Are you guys done in there?” 

“You’re gonna have to get another room, sorry Sammy.” 

“Right, ok. Enjoy the room, I guess.” 

Cas and Dean looked at each other, trying not to laugh. They failed. Cas lost all composure and fell into bed, Dean following suit. Dean peeled the trenchcoat off of Cas and wrapped him up in the tightest hug he could muster. Cas’ tucked his face into Dean’s chest, breathing in his many scents. There was a hint of car oil, cologne, dust, and whatever else they had run into that day. 

Moments of happiness ran through his head like those cheesy chick flicks Dean makes Cas watch. The times when Dean taught Cas to drive. When Cas took Dean flying for the first time. All the time they spent together. All of it had come to a point, here, in a shitty motel in the middle of nowhere. And now, Cas was holding the man he loves in bed, watching him drift off to sleep. He ran his hands through Dean’s hair, working out all the hair gel, like a fidget. When he was done, Dean’s hair laid on his forehead like bangs. 

“You’re so beautiful.” Cas cupped Dean’s face. 

“So are you.” Dean stared intently into Cas’ eyes. 

“I love you, Dean.”

“I love you, Cas.”

“Goodnight, Dean.”

“Goodnight, Cas.” 

And with that, Dean drifted off to sleep. 

[theflashrules]

#superman #dcanniversary #dccomics superman #1 (oh ya the flash ⚡Is on tonight 8/7c) (at Toronto, Ontario)