#days when i hate my hair i have people complimenting ot

[glorified-red]

Your majesty frothing at the mouth? Well I’ll be damned.

but the thing is … passion twists don’t last 💔 but I know box braids will last 1-2 months. Then again, then mfs hurt!

you could be talking about Havana twists, or maybe Senegalese twists

-knight anon

I could go on an entire rant about how much I love natural hair and their styles.

I actually looked into the braiding styles and wanted to learn how to do them because you never know. I want to foster so I want to do everything I can to make sure any person in my life feels seen and safe. Hair is just an extension of safety so 🤷‍♀️

And yes!! I actually think my favorite style is this one

Tbh they could be passion twists (they look like them). They're just so bouncy!! I wanna stare at them forever. I think women with this style hair just look like goddesses I'm sorry, they're so regal and everyone looks hot with them in.

Ugh 😩

Ngl, I know pricing and time is a huge thing when choosing hairstyles but idk which ones are more expensive or more time consuming. I just know that braids hurt and owie.

[pumpkinsy0]

Hi! I cut my hair short like really short a few months ago. But now it’s in like an awkward grow out phase, so I was wondering if you had any fun HC’s of Angela Shepard with short hair?

hello!!! and omg angela ask, so rare these days</333

•i feel like when angela got her hair cut that was like, the first time she would ever use grease, bc she wanted to do fingerwaves, ESPECIALLY W HER HAIR TYPE??? yea ik she had to use up all curly and tims gels😭

•she’d have that “well i might as well do things i couldn't do w my long hair” attitude about it

•i think she’d hate it a lil less when curly ruffles her hair, its fucked up and tangled , diesnt mean she DOESNT hate it tho, just not as much by this much🤏🏽

•considering how bryon and mark cut her hair, ik ot rlly wasnt that well cut and so either she or tim had to cut it so it could look better, NOT curly tho, absolutely not

•i think her using hair clips would look way better on her w shorter hair actually, i say let her use more hair clips☝🏽☝🏽

•she still does some habits she had when she had long hair, she’d flip her hair and then realize her hair is short then go “oh,,”

•people would focus on her face more and ahe’d get more compliments about her looks, she has mixed feelings about that one

•at some point bc she didnt have long hair for a good while, when her hair got long enough to each like, her neck/shoulders, she’d think there was a bug on her and would slap her neck 😭

•soon as curly found that out, he’d tickle her neck to annoy her, shes lucky curly doesnt slap the back of her neck like he does w others

•ironically, she’d especially take care of her hair now ESPECIALLY that its short, ik a beauty supply store hate to see angela walkin in

[jeontaehui]

TAEHEE WITH WAYV

kun kunhee

taehee’s true aegyo only shows when she talks to kun.

she would call him ‘kun gege‘ or ‘kunnie kun kun’ when she’s feeling it lol

taehee Loves kun’s cooking !!! every time the neos would separate into groups during an activity that involved cooking, she’d beg to be in the same group as him.

(nct world ep. 8) “oppa, your food is to die for.”

kun looks at taehee very fondly, like how a dad would watch his child. 

he thinks taehee can be a bit out of hand sometimes, but 98% of the time they’re together, kun looks like he’d spoil taehee without her having to ask him. 

(180403 vlive) “kun-ge,” taehee skips in her steps as kun turns his head to acknowledge her, “hmm?” “if ten oppa asked you to cut me in half, would you?” she asks him expectantly, and without missing a beat, he replies, “no”. triumphantly, taehee turns to the back to stick out her tongue at ten, “see, you’re the only person—“ “i don’t want to have two of you around,” kun cuts her off with a playful smirk, which turns to a laugh as soon as taehee lets out a gasp. she continued to ramble about how she trusted him, how she felt betrayed. “i’m just kidding,” kun says as he put his arm around taehee’s shoulders, pulling her close before ruffling her hair. 

although they’re not a very popular duo or not seen together quite often, taehee absolutely missed kun and his playfulness (and maybe his cooking too).

iconic moment (uncut take #1 | 2020 yearparty behind scene #2) “hello,” they respectfully greeted, with taehee clinging to kun’s side. “i’m here with taehee,” kun starts, “and even if we aren’t in a scene together, we’re hanging out.”

“i missed kun oppa,” taehee pouts, “kun gege.” this immediately made kun smile, it was clear how kun adored taehee like she was his own child. “really?” and taehee nods in response. “it’s been like, what, two years? since i’ve last seen you. moments with you are like, a breath of fresh air,” kun softly laughs at the comparison as he shakes his head at her dramatics. “you’re just making stuff up, aren’t you?”

“i’m not! i swear!”

“are you sure it’s not my cooking that you missed?”

“well... maybe that too.”

song happier by marshmellow ft. bastille

ten tnt / tenhee

taehee likes to think of ten as her twin, but then he would always shoot down the idea. 

(n’-75) “we’re like twins, right?” taehee tells ten before throwing a chip into her mouth. “yeah, but you’re the annoying one and everyone likes me.”

their videos on nct’s dance channel are literally Divine !!!!!! nctzens especially went wild when taehee performed with ten on ‘hit the stage’.

the dirty jokes ..... don’t even get me started. ten would make one remark and it immediately becomes dirty when he makes eye contact with taehee (ft. mark sometimes). if taehee was about to break out laughing, she’d go “UGH I HATE YOU!”

but even if they’re like this with each other, ten and taehee care about each other a whole lot :(

(nct world ep. 3) taehee strained her wrist while attempting to do jump over the vault. though she was able to balance herself quickly, she looked as if she were about to fall; at this split second, ten took a worried step forward, afraid that she’d slip to the ground. later, when taehee comes back with a wrist guard around her hand, ten takes a concerned look at her and asks if she was okay.

taehee also caught a cold while they were preparing for ‘90’s love’ and ten kept insisting he’d make her something to help her feel better.

ten would never admit it but taehee is his baby, anything or anyone that’s bothering her will have to go through him first >:(

iconic moment (jcc ep. 25) “ten, i don’t think it’s supposed to work that way,” taehee giggles at him as he stood a foot away from her while mixing his self-made cookie dough. “no, you wait for it. it’s gonna work,” ten insists while pointing the wooden spoon menacingly at taehee, but this just made the girl smile wider.

she secretly slides the jar of white sugar towards her and scoops up a spoonful, before moving carefully towards ten. “i don’t even think you added sugar,” she mumbles, but his body moves to block her and she bumps into his back with another step. “HEY!” she laughs at how protective ten was getting over his cookie dough, and his stirring becoming more and more aggressive as she tries to put sugar in it, “i’m going to place some so it has a taste!”

ten protests that he already did a while ago while taehee maneuvered her way around him laughing. ten knew what she was trying to do and so he bumped his hip against hers to stop her from getting any nearer. “this is going to spill! ten, stop!,” taehee tries to hold in her giggles, ten was being too cute. “and you’re going to clean it up when it does,” he bites back.

taehee resumes to finding ways to get sugar into the mix while ten resists, causing a very entertained mark to fill the studio with laughter. after a few minutes of trying, taehee sighs and puts back the sugar in the jar, "wow, i never knew baking could be so tiring.”

turns out, ten’s cookies didn’t come out that well and taehee’s expression said it all. “i told you so.”

song positions by ariana grande 

winwin winhee

when winwin was promoting with wayv, he and taehee would send each other messages asking about their days or if they had plans for anything. since both units were busy, they really never do this and it’s only rare that they message each other, let alone call each other.

that’s why taehee was very happy when she saw winwin again for resonance :(

if taehee was chill about her love for winwin before, now she’d just poke his cheeks every once in a while.

(uncut take #1 | 2020 yearparty behind scene #1) taehee watches from the side as three or four members corner winwin to gush over him, making her give a disapproving shake of the head to the camera. “everyone, winwin hyungie is like a baby,” she nods. “babies won’t like it if you bother them too much, so you have to be subtle with your affection.” taehee gives a playful smirk to the camera, “that’s why winwin hyungie likes me.”

winwin, on the other hand, thinks that taehee changed very much the last time he saw her. from being childish and innocent, she became matured and confident. this is how winwin felt time really flew.

(uncut take #1 | 2020 yearparty behind scene #1) “winwin gege~,” taehee whines, seeing how it would roll off her tongue. “did i say that right? ‘winwin gege’?,” she looks to see that winwin already had a fond smile on his face. “you are so cute,” he pouts, “jeon taehee, you are really too cute.”

iconic moment (201106 twitter blueroom live) “winwin hyung, who is your favorite member here in 90’s love?,” haechan asks from his left. and as everyone appeals to him, including mark who touches his ear out of affection, he already had one person in mind. “jeon taehee.”

song left to right by marteen

lucas luhee

a very very very very chaotic duo.

if you watch compilation videos of the funniest moments from empathy era, the iconic clip of lucas and taehee saying something else instead of ‘yadom’ (nasal spray) would always be included. they had to cut out that part from the live later, and members had to tell them what ‘야동’ actually meant in the next live.

taehee would try to teach lucas some korean before, but then that’s just her talking in korean with an english accent.

(180712 vlive) “why are you so tall?,” taehee raises her eyebrow at him. “why are you so short?,” lucas laughs.

taehee threw a pick-up line at mark during that same live, and lucas asked her why wasn’t she like that to him too. “lucas, don’t laugh but,” taehee tells him, “even if you’re as tall as a tree, i’ll still see you as a big baby. i’m not lying.”

and so jungwoo and taehee’s snacking tradition was actually jungwoo, taehee, and lucas’ snacking tradition.

for taehee, it’s so satisfying to watch lucas eat especially if he’s enjoying it so much. lucas actually admitted that the food that taehee carried in her bag would eventually go to his stomach. it became a habit for taehee to carry some in her bag even if lucas wasn’t promoting with her anymore.

iconic moment (uncut take #14 | ‘resonance’ mv behind the scene) “yo lucas,” taehee greets as she was pulled into a friendly bro hug. when she pulls away, she quicklt takes a look at lucas’ gorgeous features and steps back, “woah, you’re seriously so handsome.” lucas turns shy at her compliment and rubs the back of his neck, “you too.”

taehee raises her eyebrows in amusement, smirking as she says, “i’m handsome too?” lucas thinks for a moment before nodding yes, “you can be handsome too.”

“okay czennies, meet two very handsome people. hello!”

song rather be by clean bandit (ft. jess glynne)

xiaojun xiaohee

out of all the ‘99 boys, she’d want to get to know xiaojun more the most. 

they’re not awkward with each other, they’re just shy to approach each other and start a conversation. 

(sun & moon ep. 2) “taehee-ssi told me the other day she really liked xiaojun hyung’s voice out of the blue,” the said girl eyes haechan carefully, suddenly feeling nervous at what he’s going to pull. “i told her she should tell you herself, why is she telling me? she said she was shy,” when he had said this, a chorus of ‘ohh’s’ came from the rest of the bunch, except for taehee. she had a threatening smile on her face directed at the one and only lee haechan, so he decides to prod her further, “taehee-ssi, perhaps you’d like a guesting on awsaz?”

unknowingly though, xiaojun soon becomes one of the causes of taehee’s smiles or laughter whenever they’re filming together. 

(nct world ep. 2) “taehee, fighting!,” he cheers as taehee stepped forward to arm wrestle. the latter quickly turns around to give him a salute as she winks.

(201120 vlive) “xiaojun comes home and he talks about taehee too,” kun shares, “they hang out a lot.” doyoung snickers, “he fell for her too? taehee tells us how funny you guys are in your dorms, but she only ever talked about xiaojun.”

so yes ,,, they are very shy around each other but as far as we know !!! they’re really good friends who want to be closer to each other.

iconic moment (uncut take #14 | ‘resonance’ mv behind the scene) “you guys have pets in your dorm, right?,” taehee asks him as she leaned back, her arms supporting her from behind. “yes, we have three. the dog is bella and we have two cats named leon and louis,” taehee’s eyes widened, though she admits she feels jealous to have their pets around.

“i would keep my dog with me but they won’t let me.”

“oh really? what’s the name?”

“her name is 뚱이, and she’s a lhasa apso.”

“ahh,” xiaojun nods, “does she pee on your carpet?”

taehee throws her head back slightly as she laughs at the question, bringing a hand to her mouth to hide her growing smile. “do your pets pee on your carpet?” xiaojun shrugs, “well, sometimes,” he nods off disappointingly, causing taehee to giggle. “but we love them,” xiaojun sighs, and his eyes see taehee’s wide smile as she agrees with him. “that’s right, we love them.”

song i really like you by carly rae jepsen 

hendery deryhee

taehee finds hendery SO funny, i swear.

like he can literally just smile and nod she’d bust her lungs out from laughing

nctzens found it cute when taehee and hendery monitored each other while they were shooting for the ‘misfit’ track vid.

(misfit track video behind the scene) “ooo hendery is good. he looks cool.”

taehee watched the awsaz episode of winwin and jisung ,,, firstly because of those two.

but then hendery and haechan were so funny too she may have shed a tear from laughing.

a fan asked in those video call fansigns if taehee has watched any of wayv’s videos and she laughed, saying that she watched the one where they acted as disney princesses.

“hendery is so funny, really,” she smiled. “I CAN SHOW YOU THE WORLD!!!!”

they became really close during resonance era and talk about games, their pets, and already have some inside jokes between the two of them.

like a member would just say ‘cabbage’ and we already have the two of them smiling to each other from across the room !!! or they’d make eye contact when looking at the mirror and taehee would just bust out laughing.

iconic moment (201106 twitter blueroom live) “you’re really, really, really, really handsome,” yuta starts with utmost sincerity, “hendery.” the latter brings a hand to his face, his face warming up at the compliment as he sighs contently. this comical reaction causes taehee to burst into a fit of laughter, one you could hear off-cam.

later, when it was time for the ‘90’s love’ unit to take charge of the live, taehee giggles out of the blue, trying to keep her laughs in. “why?,” mark asks as he glances at her. “i’m sorry i just,” she pauses. surely, she was thinking about the funny things hendery pulled when they were doing the live before them. “i just keep thinking about how funny hendery was. i’m sorry, i’ll just eat my fries,” she says the last part quickly, throwing a french fry in her mouth as she bites back a smile.

song love story by taylor swift (disco lines ft. cassidi remix)

yangyang yanghee

taehee finds yangyang SO cute, precious, and tiny.

whenever yangyang is speaking, we’d see taehee in the corner of the frame smiling. 

she’s all over the yangyang vocalist agenda !!!!!!

(uncut #16 | ‘90’s love’ recording behind) “this is yangyang’s voice, isn’t it?,” taehee beams as she hears the younger’s voice through her headphones. “i really like his voice.”

yangyang’s such a smiley baby around taehee, partially because she told him he was very cute when he smiles.

fans find it so endearing when taehee calls yangyang “yangyangie” as if she’s talking to a baby :(

(201022 weibo live) “taehee noona and i play games when she comes here,” yangyang tells renjun. “and then she’ll hangout with the pets later,” he and renjun laugh at this. typical taehee.

taehee would buy drinks from the vending machine for sungchan since he’s the maknae in ‘90’s love’ but !!!! she makes a special exception for yangyang.

just a little bit more and he’s up taehee’s baby list ^ ^

iconic moment (uncut take #8 | ‘90′s love’ mv behind) “today is yangyang’s birthday!,” taehee chirps as she held the camera, making sure she and yangyang were both in the frame. “you’re like, 21 now, right?,” yangyang nods, “how are you feeling today?”

“i feel happy right now since you guys like prepared a cake and stuff and sang ‘happy birthday’ to me awhile ago,” taehee smiles at this. “so i’ll continue to work hard with you guys as we wrap up filming,” yangyang finishes as he beams at her, the latter mirroring his expression. 

“you’re so cute, you know that, right?,” taehee coos as she focuses the camera to yangyang (who smiles shyly at the compliment), before placing herself back in frame. “i only got to play games with yangyang a few times because chenle invited me, but now that we’re all spending time together, i think yangyang’s a very cute dongsaeng.” at this, they both giggle and taehee raises her fist for a fist bump. “i know,” yangyang says as he bumps his fist against hers, taehee laughing at this cute ball of sunshine. 

song timber by pitbull (ft. ke$ha) 

[berserk-jewel]

NSFW ALPHABET with ANISA ANKA

A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)

She's very tender, making sure that you've got water and maybe a snack if you're hungry. She also likes to cuddle! She'll be the big spoon usually but if you want to fluster her, turn the tables and be the big spoon. She definitely purrs a bit and is more embarassed about it than even Sage is.

B = Body part (Their favourite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

Her favorite would probably be her hands. She can lift a sword with them and, by extension, protect the people she loves. Of yours, her favorite is your smile. She loves making you laugh and smile even if she doesn't know what she did to make you do that. Her jokes are terrible but she's so cute you can't help but laugh.

C = Cum (Anything to do with cum basically… I’m a disgusting person)

She's definitely a squirter so watch out.

D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

She'd really like for you to dom. I headcannon that she's a (service) top but would love to actually be bossed around. She's too shy to admit it though so bring it up yourself or ask her when she's drunk and more willing to talk.

E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?)

She's not very experienced and usually defers to you. If you're not experienced either, she's more than willing to explore with you. She's also a quick and easy learner.

F = Favourite Position (This goes without saying. Will probably include a visual)

Any position where she can see your face in and make sure that you're okay and enjoying yourself. She also likes having you in her lap so she can hold you closely.

G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc)

She's definitely super serious and focused to the point where it's a bit funny to look up and see her expression.

H = Hair (How well groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.)

Oh my gosh I didn't think about it until just now. She definitely has a little pink streak so yes, the carpet matches the drapes.

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect…)

She's very romantic and constantly telling you how pretty or handsome you look. She'll immediately get flustered if you turn the compliments on her though.

J = Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon)

I think she's too busy and high-strung to masturbate honestly. If she does, I don't think she does it often at all.

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks)

She likes when you tell her what to do even if it's not involving bdsm. She really just wants to please you; that gets her off more than anything. She also likes when you praise her.

L = Location (Favourite places to do the do)

It would take a lot ot convincing to get her to have sex anywhere than a securely locked bedroom. I mean, at the most she'll only hold your hand in public.

M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going)

Anything about you. If you start flirting and teasing her, she's ready to go as soon as she realizes what you're doing.

N = NO (Something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

Anything that would hurt you, especially seriously. You could maybe get her to spank you but she'll stop as soon as you seem like you're in any actual pain.

O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc)

She prefers to give and isn't experienced but has natural skill. On the other hand, if you're giving make sure to drag it out and tease her; she hates it (she loves it).

P = Pace (Are they fats and rough? Slow and sensual? etc.)

I'd say she's very steady. She'll go faster or slower if you ask but she's not particularly rough. She's very concerned about hurting you in any way.

Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.)

Quickies usually involve the chance of getting caught which is a no no for her. She'd prefer to get a room or have sex in one of your rooms.

R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.)

Experimenting is fun and fine! But she'd prefer to not do anything that could hurt you or anything where the two of you could be seen.

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…)

She has an average stamina can go maybe two or three rounds. She likes when you edge her though and could potentially do that all night if she didn't have things to do the next day.

T = Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)

She definitely doesn't have any toys herself but is very curious of yours and more than willing to try them out together.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

She's very straight to the point usually, unless she's drunk. Drunk Anisa is the closest she'll get to being dominant and she'll spend the rest of the night teasing you.

V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make)

She's not very vocal because she'd be embarassed if someone overheard. She likes it when you are though because that just spurs her on.

W = Wild Card (Get a random headcanon for the character of your choice)

Tie her up.

X = X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants, picture or words)

Standard... vagina stuff? On another note, she's very fit and strong and I could think about her arms all day.

Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)

She's always yearning and thinking about you but it'll be like pulling teeth to get her to say anything or make the first move. I think she has a fairly average sex drive but it always willing to go if you are.

Z = ZZZ (… how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

As soon as she sees to it that you're okay, afterwards is the only time she'll get a full night if sleep without coercion. You might even get the chance to see her sleep in.

[puckinghell]

The Plus One Pact | William Nylander | Part 4

Summary: Your ex is getting married, and you don’t have a date, which means the unavoidable “why don’t you have a boyfriend” question is about to haunt you for the rest of eternity. But then there’s Will, who could be the answer to all your problems. A simple business pact, no feelings involved: that won’t be hard for you, because you really don’t like him anyways. Except pacts were made to be broken… or something. Right?

Note: This is part 4. Click here for part 1 | part 2 | part 3

--

You don’t know how it happens.

Okay, you kinda do.

One night, you get a text from Will that’s just a screenshot of a very strongly worded email to a certain balloon company, and then three crying-from-laughter emojis.

Still not funny!!! you text back, and you expect not to hear from Will again until the wedding.

You’re wrong. When he texts you again the next day, asking how you work was, you figure it would be rude not to answer, and then when the phone rings late one night, you worry something is wrong, so you answer that, too.

“What was your day like?” Will’s voice is quiet and timid when he asks, and you take it you’re not gonna talk about that awful game they just had, so you talk to him about your day for an hour until his voice is lighter and he’s laughing again.

It starts happening more and more, and before you really realize it, it’s weird when you haven’t heard from Willy in a day.

To be truthful, it turns out Zach was right; as he usually is, which you would rather die than tell him. 

But Will is different when it’s just you two, and your favorite moments with him are when he calls after games and his voice is laced with sleep and you can nearly hear the smile through his voice when he asks you about your day. Everything about him is muted, then, but it feels real, and important, somehow.

You even learn to appreciate how annoyingly chipper he is, because sometimes you really do need someone to just laugh at your bad mood until it goes away.

You also learn that, like you expected on the plane to Calgary, Will keeps his head high but it’s mostly a facade. Comments get to him, especially when they’re about his hockey – “that’s the only thing I was supposed to be good at” he jokes one time, and you wanna hit him over the head with his hockey stick until he understands that that’s not true – and he takes everything personal, although he tries not to show it.

Everything you didn’t like about him, you find out, is something you either got wrong about him or learned to appreciate.

And there’s so much more to like about him, too.

One night, after a really bad day at work, you have a fight with your sister about Noah’s stupid wedding. 

“Why are you so against coming?” your sister says, a little too aggressive. “Surely you aren’t still in love with him? He’s happy with Betty, Y/N.” 

Of course you’re not still in love with Noah, but it hurts that she can’t just accept that you don’t wanna go. That she can’t take your side in this, even if she doesn’t know the full story. She should trust that you’re not being difficult for no reason.

And you can’t help yourself; it’s late and you know Will just got done with his game, and he’s all the way in Carolina but you call him anyway.

He answers almost immediately.

“Y/N?” he asks, and he sounds surprised. It’s to be expected, because he’s almost always the one calling you, but it stings a little, nonetheless.

“Uhm, hi.” You pause. “Is it… okay that I called?”

“Of course. Always.” Will sounds truthful, so you decide to take his word for it.There’s no more extra space in your brain to worry about that, as well. 

“Congrats on the game.”

“Thanks.” You hear Willy’s grin. “I’ve told Zachy we’re both very proud of him for that OT winner.” There’s an indignant huff next to him that sounds a lot like Zach and you figure they’re still on the bus, where Willy usually sits with Kappy or Zach.

It’s quiet, then Willy’s voice, treading very carefully: “Is something wrong? You don’t sound too happy.” There’s some stumbling and you can almost see how Willy must be elbowing Zach away from the phone, because Zach is basically an overprotective dad whenever he hears anyone isn’t doing well.

But Willy… Willy isn’t like that, but he sounds worried anyway, and he sounds gentle like he’s trying to calm you down, and suddenly you’re telling him everything: about the day you’ve had and your job that sucks and that you’re worried about the wedding and why can’t your family just trust you, for once, and what if this all isn’t worth it just to keep your family happy?

When you’re done, Willy’s voice is soothing. The background noise has disappeared. Maybe the bus has stopped.

“It’s worth it,” is what he says. “You know it’s worth it.”

You sigh. It’s annoying still that he’s usually right.

“I just don’t want to deal with it anymore.”

“And tonight you don’t have to.” There’s a sudden noise and then Will cursing. “Fuck, sorry, hold on, I’m trying to open this stupid hotel door…” More crashing and banging, and then Willy’s voice reappears. “Tonight you don’t have to deal with anything, okay? We can FaceTime and watch a movie together.”

And that… That actually sounds really nice, and like it doesn’t require any brain power which is good because you have none of that left anyway.

“Hey, what’s your favorite take out food?”

It’s such a random question, out of the blue, and when you tell him that, the blurry FaceTime screen can’t hide his eye roll.

“It’s just something friends are supposed to know about each other, now tell me.”

“Sushi when I’m feeling fancy,” you say, “or pizza when I need comfort food.”

You can’t even pretend to be that surprised when a massive pizza shows up at your door 30 minutes later.

You hate that it nearly brings tears to your eyes, but after the day you’ve had…

“Thank you, Willy,” you mumble, and there’s something soft to his look when he smiles at you.

“What are friends for?” he asks, and you realize you don’t even mind that he’s declared himself your friend, now.

A few weeks ago, you would’ve disputed it. But now, you find yourself kinda wishing it could be more.

--

What are friends for is apparently your motto now, and it’s all a little strange as you get into the car, your fanciest, most beautiful dress and highest heels on.

“You look great,” Zach says. He’s wearing a suit and his hair is slicked back, the way it always is when he’s really trying.

“I can’t believe I’m doing this,” you reply, a little grumpily. “I hate team events.”

“I never did understand why.” Zach starts the car and backs out of your driveway. You’ve been told Alannah is going to the venue straight from work, and Willy had an appointment and couldn’t come get you, which is why you’re in the car with Zach, now.

“Because I don’t fit in there.” It’s the honest answer, but it’s obviously not the whole story. The whole story is that those events are filled with beautiful women, and you never feel quite up to par; like you snuck into a place you’re not welcome, not supposed to be welcome, either. But Zach wouldn’t get that. Willy wouldn’t get that either.

And you just couldn’t come up with an excuse fast enough, not when he said: “But Y/N, it’s for charity.”

It would not matter to the charity, of course, if you didn’t come. But Willy had looked so hopeful, and then he’d pulled out the final card: “It’s gonna be way more fun with you there by my side.”

And now you’re wearing a dress appropriate for a charity gala, which means you’ve never felt more uncomfortable in anything in your life, and your feet already hurt from your heels, and this was such a bad idea, God.

“You know,” Zach says, and his tone tells you this conversation is going somewhere you don’t want it to go. “Willy doesn’t like these events either. It means a lot to him that you’re coming for support.”

You nearly roll your eyes. “Willy charmed the socks off every person at my boss’ wedding, Zachy. He really doesn’t need my support for these kinda things.”

Zach’s face stays stoic. “Yeah, but nobody at that wedding knew him.”

“So?” you frown. “That should only be a disadvantage, considering he’s William Nylander.”

Zach laughs, then. “Still haven’t figured it out, then? I’m disappointed in you, Y/N. I thought you were good at reading people.”

“Hey!” you react, offended. You are good at reading people. It’s one of the things you pride yourself on. “If you know it all so well, why don’t you just tell me?”

Zach sighs. “Willy doesn’t like these events anymore because he is William Nylander, as you say it, and that’s not really a popular name in Leafs territory, right now.”

And, oh.

That.

“I did realize he cares a lot more about what people think than I thought he did.” You pause. “More than he should, probably.”

“Definitely.” Zach’s face has that protective big brother vibe about it, again. You used to not understand, why he always looked like that when people were talking shit about Willy.

You get it, now.

“There’s always plenty more people telling him he’s great, than there are people sending him snarky looks,” Zach continues. “But he never really believes any compliments he gets, so that doesn’t help.”

Suddenly, you realize something.

You’ve never really… complimented Willy? Even when you realized he cared more than he let on, you still just assumed he knew how great he was. Sometimes, he kinda fishes for something – “Did you see my goal?” “How about my cooking abilities?” “I know how to pick a good movie, right?” – but you’d always laughed and chirped him for it.

“If your head gets any bigger, it’ll explode.”

And Willy is always complimenting you; he tells you you look great all the time, even when you decidedly dont’t, but he clearly remembered what you told him about Noah because that’s never the only thing he compliments you about.

He tells you how smart you are, “I like how good you are with animals”, how any food you make is the best thing he’s ever eaten, if only everyone was as lovely as you.

You feel guilty, now. If Willy is your friend, you’ve really not been doing such a good job at being his friend, too.

You’re fixing that tonight, you decide right then and there.

“I’ll make him believe it,” you tell Zach, and it comes out sounding vaguely threatening.

Zach laughs. “Thought you didn’t like him?”

“Maybe he’s not as bad as I thought he was,” you admit, and you don’t tell Zach how much you really, really do like Willy, but you think Zach kinda knows anyway. 

Will meets you at the door, where Alannah is also waiting for Zach. He smiles at you, eyes soft.

“You look beautiful, Y/N.” He quickly presses his lips to your temple, which is a new development that you don’t really know how to handle.

But Will is a tactile guy, anyway, so you’re sure you shouldn’t read too much into it.

You see Zach’s raised eyebrow, and suddenly remember – fine, maybe you’d forgotten your objective for a second because Will looks really hot in that suit, but you’re back on track now.

“You look beautiful too, Will.”

Willy’s eyes widen and a flush creeps up on his cheek, but before he can answer you grab his hand and pull him into the building.

It’s a fancy, really expensive hotel, where the gala is being held. It’s filled to the brim with people, a few of which you recognize, most of which you don’t.

“That chandelier must be worth more than our entire house,” Alannah mutters, and you’re glad to see it’s affecting her too, although she’s been to these events many times.

Zach laughs. “With a puppy in the house, aren’t you glad we don’t have any furniture that costs more than our mortgage?”

“Do you want a drink?” Will’s lips are close enough to your ear to hear him over the noise of the crowd and the music in the background, and also close enough to feel his hot breath against your neck. It takes everything in you not to shiver.

Maybe you do need a drink. Or ten.

Willy and Zach go to get the drinks and Alannah leads you to where some of the other WAGs are. Steph is the only one you know and she hugs you as soon as she sees you coming, then introduces you to the rest.

“So, you’re with Will, huh?” she asks, eyebrows waggling.

You were expecting that question, but maybe not so soon into the evening.

“Uhm,” you cough, “not really. Just his plus one for tonight.”

“Sure,” Steph says, and she looks like she doesn’t believe you at all.News always travels fast in the WAGs group, and Alannah is looking a little guilty.

You find you don’t mind so much, that they think that you’re together. Although you really don’t wanna think about why you don’t mind. 

When Willy finds you, Kappy and his girlfriend are with him, and the four of you make your rounds throughout the room, talking to any sponsor that seems interested in a conversation. Mostly you just stand there while Willy talks, his hand on your back as if he’s scared you’re gonna run off.

“I always thought this would be a lot of work,” you mumble in Willy’s ear, when you’re between conversation partners. “But I really only have to stand here and look pretty.”

Willy grins. “Seems like it comes natural to you.”

Right. You kinda forgot about the compliments again.

You shrug, lean a little closer until you’re basically pressed into his side. It feels a little too right, maybe, how quickly Will’s arm wraps around your waist.

“You’re really good at talking to these people.” You’re talking pretty loudly, but you’re pretty sure Will is the only one that can hear you over the noise. “The second you open your mouth, people are so charmed by you. I think you could make anyone love you.”

Willy’s eyes flash to the floor, and they stay fixed there as he mumbles something that sounds a lot like another “uhm”.

His cheeks are flushed red, and you’re saved from having to deal with that as Auston appears, eyes wild and jaw tense.

“I’m being stalked,” he hisses. “This old white dude literally won’t leave me alone even for a second. He’s been following me around for an hour. Help.”

Willy bursts into giggles, which is probably not very helpful, and the betrayal on Auston’s face is enough to make you feel bad for him.

“Come on,” you say, grabbing his arm, “let’s go hide behind the bar.”

--

It’s easier than you thought it would be, to get through the evening. In fact, when Will asks you if you’re ready to go, you hadn’t even noticed it had become so late.

You say goodbye to the few people you know and gratefully accept Willy’s offer to drive you home.

The car ride is silent. It’s not awkward, but the air is heavy with something, and you curse yourself for all those times you wished Willy would just shut up, because now he has and you hate every second of it.

Did your compliments freak him out? Did he regret asking you to come?

“So,” Will finally says, as he stops in front of a traffic light. He’s not looking at you, keeping his gaze firmly on the road ahead of him. “That wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.”

“Zach told me you don’t like these events,” you try, carefully. You’ve never had to pull something out of Will, force him to open up; he’s always just kinda done it, from the very moment you met him, shared parts of himself with you that you never had to search for.

For you, who’s never learned how to not keep something hidden, that was maybe the thing that unnerved you about him the most.

“I like doing things for charity,” Will answers, and you can tell he’s picking his words carefully. “But I don’t like people looking at me as if I’m some kinda disappointment who doesn’t belong there.”

“Have they ever said anything?”

“No.” Will smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes and there’s a hint of sadness laced in it. “Not to my face, anyway. But I’m not stupid, you know.”

No, he’s not stupid. For all the conflicting thoughts you’ve had about him, you never thought he was stupid.

And you never thought he was a bad contract, either. It seems imperative, suddenly, that he knows that.

“Willy,” you say softly, and although his eyes are still on the road, you know he’s paying attention. “You can’t seriously believe that you’re anything but an amazing hockey player. You’re worth that contract and you’re worth the effort Dubas put into keeping you here. You’re so smart, and I know people don’t always see it but you work so hard, and Matts was so happy when you got back on his line because he knew you would be magic together.”

Will’s cheeks are red but this time, he’s not mumbling when he says: “I know I haven’t been playing as well as I can.”

“Stop,” you tell him, softly but forcefully. “Stop deflecting, stop dodging. Just take the compliment and believe me when I say you’re great at what you do.”

“That’s very nice of you,” he says, his voice a bit shaky, and that’s a different kind of deflecting but it’s still deflecting, and it’s hurting your heart.

“William Nylander,” you scold, and then you do what you’ve been wanting to do this entire evening and let yourself reach out and put a hand on his knee. “Just accept the compliment.”

Willy carefully reaches down to grab your hand, intertwines your fingers together as he lets both your hands rest on his thigh. He’s holding the steering wheel with one hand, but he’s driving pretty slowly and the roads are deserted, so you’re not too worried.

You’re more worried about the fact that he just doesn’t believe you.

“You’re a great hockey player,” you repeat, stubbornly. “And a great person.”

Finally Willy allows himself to smile, this small, rueful thing that sticks somewhere deep inside your chest, folds up next to your heart like it’s gonna stay there forever.

“Thank you,” he says, and maybe he still doesn’t really believe it but this is as far as you’re gonna get tonight and maybe that’s okay.

You’ve got time.

The car has reached your flat and Will parks it in your driveway. It’s quiet, and he hasn’t let go of your hand, and you kinda don’t want him to.

The night is over, probably.

But there’s still one thing you need to tell him, though. “It doesn’t matter, Will,” you say softly. “What those people think. It doesn’t matter.”

“No,” Willy agrees, and for the first time you can tell he believes it. “But it matters what you think.”

He finally turns to look at you and there’s so many emotions swirling in the deep blue of his eyes, but you can’t really put your finger on any of them. All you know is your heart is beating in your throat, and you really want to kiss him.

But Willy still looks a little sad, and you have a feeling there’s something he’s not saying.

“I told you I think you’re great,“ you tell him, and it’s the truth.

“But you didn’t, before.” Will hesitates. “I told you I’m not stupid. I know when people find me annoying.” He shrugs. “I get it. I know I can be too much.”

And God, there’s so much hurt in that, so much pain and yet understanding, and you can tell he truly believes that, and you would do anything to take that away from him.

Anything.

So.

“I didn’t like you,” you admit, but when Will goes to pull back his hand, you simply hold on tighter. “I was wrong. I didn’t know you, and I was wrong. Now I know you. And I like you.” You inhale, pause. “I like you so much I don’t really know what to do with myself, sometimes.”

It’s quiet. You can nearly see the wheels turning in Willy’s head as he searches your face for something; something to tell him you’re not being truthful, maybe, that it doesn’t mean what he thinks it does.

If that’s what he’s looking for, he won’t find it. 

Then he drops your hand, jumps out of the car and slams the door.

Disappointment and hurt washes over you; you knew you had to try, had to put your heart out there, but it hurts that it’s smashed into pieces like that. Clearly you read it wrong, clearly you still don’t know how to tell what Willy’s feeling.

Except then your door opens, and Willy is holding out his hand.

“Come on,” he says, and his voice sounds… fond? You don’t know exactly what to think about it, but he doesn’t sound angry, or upset.

Against better judgement, you grab his hand and get out of the car.

“I have to tell you something,” Will says. And, there’s no way that he’s doing what you think he’s doing, but his hands are suddenly traveling up, one reaching to cup your cheek, the other settling on your waist. His eyes are staring into yours intently, and they’re twinkling but it’s not the same mischievous twinkle you’re used to seeing.

“I really like you, too,” Willy says, and he leans in and presses his lips against yours.

For a split second, you stand there, not quite knowing what just happened, but then his hand tightens on your hip and you realize that this is real, this is happening, and Will’s kissing you.

So you kiss back. You let your body lean heavy against the car, place your hands on his biceps and pull him closer, until his chest is flush against yours. The kiss deepens, and you swear you can feel your heartbeat synching up with his.

The night is dark, and quiet, and it rains a little, but you feel none of it.

All you feel is Will, surrounding you, and everything is beautiful and exactly the way it’s supposed to be.

[lovelyirony]

“Dance with me.” For brucethor please!

Bruce didn’t dance. Ever. For all of his illustriously short career as a human being, Bruce had danced probably once, and that was at his Aunt Rebecca’s wedding. When he was three. 

After that, there was no dancing. A little something along the lines of “my dad fucking sucks and I hate him a lot, he’s too controlling” etc., with added trauma blah blah blah. 

“You going to homecoming this year?” Tony asks. Tony Stark is someone who Bruce never thought he’d be friends mainly because a.) Tony Stark is not afraid to act like an asshole to literally anybody, and b.) Most of the rumors are not true and started by Tony himself, who likes to weed out the people he doesn’t want ot hang out with. 

“No,” Bruce says. “I have a college exam to study for.” 

“How many are you taking, fifty? There’s not that much. Besides, you want to go to Culver and they’re practically offering to pay you a livable salary to go there.” 

“No college pays a livable salary to students, they’re delusional,” Bruce says with a shrug. “But I want to make sure my back-up colleges will accept me as well.” 

“Just apply for a school in Florida, they take anyone. Case in point, Justin Hammer got offered a place at Florida State.” 

“I’ll check that one off my list.” 

Tony laughs, taking another cracker out of his lunch. 

“But seriously, you should go to homecoming. Everyone does, and it’s your senior year. You should get some new experiences in besides studying for a new biology course that you’re taking online.” 

“Harvard let one out, I think I might apply for that.” 

“Ugh, you’re so boring.” 

“You’re the one who sits with me at lunch every day,” Bruce reminds him. “I’m so sure that Bucky Barnes would just be dying to have you sit with him. Or just be with him.” 

Tony turns to see Bucky staring at him across the table. 

“That’s ridiculous. He’s probably looking at the lunch menu for tomorrow. Speaking of, if it’s cheese pizza I’m going to barf.” Bruce rolls his eyes, but doesn’t bother to tell Tony that Bucky thinks he built the universe. 

“You’re a millionaire, I’m sure Jarvis could get you some caviar or whatever it is our government officials eat.” 

“I’m not part of the government, darling.” 

“You’re made of money, you have more sway than the president,” Bruce says. 

Tony thinks it over, humming. 

“True. Think I could get sustainable energy bills passed if I make the conservatives think it’s their idea?” 

“Possibly. You’d have to dumb it down way more than you did for Rumlow.” 

“Shoot me,” Tony moans, slumping down on the table. 

Bruce snorts, glancing to the clock. He starts gathering up his things and taking all the trash and recycling to the correct bins. 

They walk together, and Bruce tries very hard not to see Thor barging down the stairs, laughing loudly with Brunnhilde Valkyrie and Carol Danvers as they go for the next lunch shift. 

“I think Thor doesn’t have a date to homecoming,” Tony says. “And you’d be great arm candy.” 

“About as good as Red Vines,” Bruce mutters. 

“Your hatred of that candy knows no bounds.” 

“It shouldn’t even be legally called candy, I think anyone who eats it is a freak of nature.” 

“Very true. We should banish them to Siberia.” 

Tony and Bruce don’t share the next class. Tony is taking some anthropology class solely so he can have a class with both Rhodey and Pepper. Bruce doesn’t know why people think Tony is this suave asshole who has no friends, because Tony is about the most affectionate guy on the planet. 

The last hour of the day is Bruce’s favorite. It’s a cinema class, one that’s required this year because Bruce has exhausted the school of every possible science credit and math credit. 

“You need to take some arts,” Bruce’s counselor, Mrs. May said. Melinda May is a very terrifying woman who has deceptively nice desk decorations that usually indicate a woman who likes to talk about tea. Mrs. May asked Bruce if he knew how to throat-punch someone, and if he would like to learn. 

“Um, how is that relevant?” 

“It’s not. But you do well in school, it’s clear you care about your grades. I have nothing to discuss with you since you’ve done college applications early and applied for financial aid and scholarships. You’re basically a very responsible eighteen year old. So, do you want to learn how to throat-punch someone?” 

He does learn, and he also learns that he needs at least one more art credit. 

But the cinema class is one of the easiest classes. Everyone knows that it’s basically just watching a movie, writing a one-page reflection, and you occasionally get to nap. Bruce usually finishes up some applications, gets a snack in, and stares at Thor. 

Not in that order. Sometimes he needs to stare at Thor first. 

Thor is a very attractive person. He is smart, compassionate, and has very nice arms. He also knows how to care for long hair. This is a plus in many people’s books, Bruce’s included. 

Thor loves watching the movies and talking with friends in low tunes. Bruce sometimes gets involved in this discussion if they’re watching an interesting movie. Bruce likes that, that Thor turns and asks him what he thinks. 

The movie they’re watching currently is a musical, something Bruce rarely likes because he was forced to take a theater class last year, and now he legally can’t be around theater kids if he wants inner peace. 

It’s The Sound of Music. Bruce likes looking at the scenery. 

“Bruce, what do you think about it?” Thor asks. 

“Um…I really like the scenery. And Julie Andrews is always a good choice.” 

“I agree.” 

It’s quiet after that, until the DVD player shorts out and the teacher runs to the IT department, which probably won’t do something unless they pull Tony out of his class to fix it. 

The conversations flow evenly over the classroom, and Bruce focuses back in on his application for a new science course for the summer. If he can fit in one more credit hour, it shortens his college by one year, meaning he can graduate in three years instead of four, and then look onto graduate school. 

“What about homecoming?” Sif asks Thor. “I’m taking Jane, we’re shopping for suits soon. Who are you taking?” 

“I’m not sure,” Thor says. “Haven’t found anyone since Val decided to take Helen.” 

Bruce perks up a little bit. He doesn’t know why he does, because it’s not like he wants to go to homecoming anyway. 

Well, he wouldn’t mind it. Sure he’d need to buy a too-expensive shirt, but then he could use that shirt again for any official business meetings when he applies for internships, so–

“Bruce, what are you doing?” 

Bruce blinks, looking at Thor. 

“Um, right now I’m trying to sign up for a new biology class, so uh…” 

“I meant for homecoming.” 

“Oh!” Bruce is surprised. “Um, I don’t know. I was thinking about staying, but I’m not sure yet. I heard that Pepper’s really trying hard this year to get better decorations.” 

“Dude, then it’d be totally worth it,” Sif says. “If Pepper’s in charge, that means this homecoming won’t be the fiasco it was last year.” 

Last year, they did not have a good homecoming, Bruce heard. Pepper had an extended leave due to personal circumstances. She’s basically the backbone of the planning committee, and she had not started seriously training the newbie, Darcy. The homecoming the worst in existence, especially since the principal chose the music and all of it was from the early 2000s. 

“I might, I don’t know. I have no idea what Tony’s doing. He wants me to go, but I think Bucky might ask him.” 

“Barnes thinks Tony Stark hung the world on its axis,” Thor says, grinning. “But hey, you could always come with us.” 

“Um…okay. That’d be great.” 

So Bruce has homecoming plans. 

Tony doesn’t know about this until a week later, when they’re sitting at lunch together and Tony is telling him all about the homecoming ask that he had gotten from Barnes, which was very ridiculous and completely made Tony cry when he got home. 

(Not that Tony would ever admit to this, but he snapchatted Bruce at least fifteen different videos of what were essentially keysmashes in vocal chords.) 

“So, have you changed your mind about homecoming?” 

“Um, Thor asked me to be part of his group.” 

Tony’s eyes bug out. 

“Thor asked you out?!” 

“What? No!” Bruce says. “He just told me I could join the group. So I need a shirt.” 

“If you decide to wear that ugly yellow one your grandmother got you two years ago, I will literally kill you.” 

“It’s not that ugly.” 

“That yellow is from 1978 corporate business in Milwaukee, it’s disgusting.” 

“I’ll be sure to find something else, then,” Bruce says dryly. “Maybe eggplant purple.” 

“I will make sure you go in Versace if you keep this up.” 

But Bruce goes shopping Friday afternoon with Pepper and Tony and Rhodey, who all have looks in mind. 

“What are you thinking about, Bruce?” Rhodey asks. 

“Um…I don’t know. A shirt? Maybe a tie?” 

“You’re not a tie guy,” Pepper answers. “We’ll find you a nice shirt that compliments your eyes. Also, how do you feel about a haircut.” 

“What kind of haircut?” 

“A good one, obviously,” Tony scoffs. 

So they sign him up for a hair appointment Saturday morning, and they look for nice shirts. 

Bruce will not dare wear anything that’s bright, like red or yellow or god-forbid the dark green shirt that Tony said made him look “amazing.” 

“That’s just…no,” Bruce says. “Green really isn’t my color.” 

“I think it fits you,” Tony says. “But whatever.” 

Bruce actually starts texting Thor, who is very funny and knows the memes that he likes. They talk about dinner plans for homecoming, and what restaurant to go to. 

“I just don’t want there to be a lot of people, you know?” Thor says at lunch. Bruce and Tony have started to merge their two groups of people now, who get along quite well after the initial groupchat make via Tony. 

“Yeah, me either,” Bruce says. “I really don’t want to run into someone like Rumlow.” 

“Well, what about fixing a dinner at someone’s house?” Pepper asks. “That way, it’s more cost-effective.” 

Tony agrees to host it because he and Rhodey are wanting to try a new pasta recipe and they can get the ingredients in bulk. 

“Did you end up picking out a shirt?” Thor asks. “I know that you hated the green one. I thought that looked good.” 

“You did?” Bruce asks, trying very hard not to blush. 

He failed. 

“Yeah,” Thor says. “Made the eyes pop. But you didn’t like it, so it doesn’t matter. What color are you wearing?” 

“Um, purple. A light one, though. Not anything that’s gross or anything like that.”

(Sometimes, Bruce really wishes that he could just. Speak normally in front of his crush. Actually, all the time.) 

“Cool. I bet you’ll look handsome.” 

“Thanks,” Bruce manages to get out, taking a sip of water. “And you’re gonna look great too. I mean, you always do, but like with a suit it’s different so–” 

“You think I look great?” 

“I’d be a fool not to,” Bruce answers automatically.  Then immediately regrets it because who the fuck says that???????? 

Tony gives him a look when he gives him a ride home. 

“You’re in too deep,” Tony says. 

“Quit quoting Sum 41 at me.” 

“Then quit avoiding the subject,” Tony says. “And I wasn’t quoting Sum 41. I just think you’re majorly crushing on Thor and you’re not going to do anything about it.” 

“Why would I?” Bruce asks. “This is the last year of high school, and he’s probably going to go somewhere else for college. You know I don’t like long distance.” 

“You don’t mind long distance, you do it all the time,” Tony says. “You push people away because you can’t imagine people wanting to care for you.” 

“Since when did you pass psychology with an A?” 

“Since I made Freud my bitch. I don’t wanna make you mad, Bruce, but I still think you should at least try with Thor. You deserve it.” 

Bruce sits in the car, sipping on his water. 

“I’ll consider it.” 

And he will. Because despite Tony usually making a joke out of everything and giving Bruce very useless advice all the time, he does have some moments of clarity. This is one of them. 

Tony’s one of the few people who knows why Bruce studies so much and wants to go far away from his house and why. Tony doesn’t blame him, because Tony hates being in the same room as his father and is uncomfortable when people show him affection without wanting something. But they’re both getting better. 

Besides. Bruce has a little bit of a feeling that usually people don’t say that they liked you in the green shirt if there’s not something there. But he’ll wait for the dinner. 

Bruce is glad that Pepper told him not to get a tie, he’s having trouble buttoning the shirt itself. He doesn’t know why he’s so nervous, or why he hopes to god that he doesn’t get pit stains on the shirt. He put on deodorant six times throughout the day, and nothing has happened, but he’s nervous. 

He gets to Tony’s half an hour early to help get the dishes and silverware out, and also hopefully be convinced that things are going to be fine. 

Dinner is nice. Thor sits next to Bruce specifically, and Bruce even gets so bold as to laugh out loud and ask if Thor will save him a dance. 

“For you? Of course,” Thor says. 

The dance looks beautiful. Pepper is making sure everything is good, make sure the sophomores deny Tony’s requests to play the most obscure songs he can think of, and that no one is getting too drunk with the drinks they smuggled in. 

Thor dances easily, while it takes Bruce a little bit to warm up. 

“Time for the couples dance!” A teacher announces cheerily. 

Bruce thinks to step back, watching as Bucky shyly takes Tony’s hand and leads him out. 

He’s surprised when he gets a tap on his shoulder. 

“Would you, ah, care for a dance? With me?” Thor asks. He seems nervous. Bruce blinks. 

“Um, shit. Yeah.” 

Bruce is not eloquent, but he feels it as Thor takes him around the room. He grins as he looks at Thor. 

“So. A couples dance. That mean anything?” 

“If you want it to,” Thor says. “I’d like to take you out on a date sometime, if you’re interested.” 

“I am,” Bruce says. “Most definitely I am. Besides, you said I still need to try the bakery by the bookstore off fiftieth.” 

“That can be our first destination.” 

They smile at each other, and for the moment everything is perfect. They don’t know what the future holds, but that’s okay. 

[hecohansen31]

Hey Gorgeous!

Frat Boy! Jim Mason+Insecure! Reader:

(A/N): Hello there, lovelies!

I hope everything is alright and I hope that you are having a fun day, because here comes bad writing at its finest...

I know I have already said it in the teaser but like this was written in a period in which I felt very self-conscious about myself (I still am, but I mean... I literally was at my lowest).

I honestly don’t have anything bad about my body... (except the entire ensemble suck...)... but I costantly feel like I am a passable beauty, like... “you are ot ugly, but also... you are no supermodel... so move over”.

Which I know it’s stupid, because people have it worse, but hey... my fics my fantasies... so...

ALSO NO GIRL ON GIRL HATE, PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS BEAUTIFUL... NO MATTER WHAT...

Also... you don’t need male validation to feel pretty... you don’t need nobody opinion, except your own...

And now that I got somethings off my chest...

HEART IT, REBLOG IT OR PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT IT... because I am anxious and insecure also in my writing.

Love you, lovelies!

SUMMARY: After your insecurities get the worst of you, you manage to get an handsome frat boy to make you feel better.

WORDS: 2,7K

WARNINGS: Body Image Issues, Insecurities and (Frat Parties, alcohol consumption and lingerie party so a bit of butts being show) Rejection (angsty but with a fluffy ending).

She always known that some words didn’t belong with you and with your body.

She would never be called gorgeous and sexy, because you didn’t belong in the slightest to those categories, since she hadn’t what it took to be seriously “beautiful” or “sexy”.

She had a kind of beauty which most people described as cute, described as something that made her friends want to pet you and gave her a lot of annoying compliments, but actually they were backhanded insults, such as “you are such a cutiepie” which was clearly “you look like a child”.

And it had never really bothered her, although she couldn’t help but feel like it went a bit too far sometimes and sometimes she felt a bit insecure about her own appearance and no matter what she did: a new hair style, a lot of make-up a change of wardrobe.

Still, she wouldn’t be able to change that opinion people had about her.

So, she had stopped.

It was just another type of beauty and she was beautiful in her own way.

But it didn’t matter how much she told herself that, when her roommate was strutting in her room wearing nothing but a white piece of lingerie, barely covering her ass, for the “lingerie party” they had been invited to, meanwhile she hid herself in the scrap of lace she had wrapped around herself to hide the lacey body-suit she wore underneath it.

At first she had just wanted to stutter into the party with her flying squirrel shaped pajama, since it completely matched her style, no matter the fact that it was so big that she barely could walk in it and it wasn’t lingerie, but her roommate had swiftly brought up that there was no way she would be making her way to the party with her dressed as that.

She honestly loved Erika, but she was the typical girl you couldn’t help but find sexy: effortlessly beautiful, with long blonde hair and a tanned completion which spoke of nice summers out and sweet plump lips, which, instead, told it all about soft kisses and wild nights.

She honestly didn’t blame her roommate, but she couldn’t help but feel like she didn’t know so many of her struggles.

She was very uncomfortable for her entire staying at the lingerie party, constantly clinging onto Erika, and covering herself with the silky shawl, meanwhile she didn’t dare to meet a single boy’s eyes.

Not that they would have been fixed on her, when Erika was there.

The difference between sexy and cute was also visible in the way you interacted with people: she, for example, had an hard time talking and if she did it would have been focused on making your laugh and whisper about common interests, whereas Erika had a more direct approach, gaining the immediate interest of her audience as a true magician.

But at least she had something to hold onto for the entire night: Timothy, from of one of her classes and the latest of her crushes, had promised her to actually be at the party and absolutely come there to talk to her and “save her from public embarrassment”.

Timothy was a nice guy, the type that typically didn’t flirt around and had nice interests she shared, so she had always felt like he was a safe place to crush on, and he had seemed interested in her, suggesting they always worked together for some group projects, alongside always holding the seat next to him for her.

She really hoped not to have read too much into this, scared that he might have been interested only in a friendship, so she had waited for him to do the first move…

And she was still waiting…

“Don’t worry (Y/N)! He will come” reassured her gently Erika, holding her hand, meanwhile she giggled with the latest of her suitors, and she tried to smile a bit and relax herself.

… and finally, she eyed him, just coming out of the door, waving shyly at him, meanwhile he immediately moved towards them; Erika moved off, with the guy she had been talking with, in order to give her some privacy, for which she was grateful.

She moved away the silky shawl and although she knew sexy wasn’t her thing, she tried to do her best to assume an unbothered expression and smile brightly (but not too creepily) at him.

Timmy was at her side, immediately, a red solo cup in his right hand and his other gently and softly moved around her waist and she couldn’t help but blush.

-… you are finally here! – she whimpered, meanwhile she moved her eyes to the ground -… I thought you would be missing the chance to see a lot of girls in panties! -.

He giggled at her bad attempt to break the ice, before he leaned closer into her ear.

-I promised you to be here, didn’t I? – a thrill of adrenaline moved down her spine and she was unable to stop herself from blushing -… and I had to ask you something…-.

Now she was going to melt in his arm, her heart beating thunderously in her chest, meanwhile she tried to calm her whole body from shaking, immediately raising her head to meet her eyes…

She could already picture it: he would confess he had had a crush on her for the longest time and she would say that she felt the same, he then would tangle gently an hand between her hair and push her closer, till their lips touched and fireworks started…

…but her idyllic vision was stopped by his question:

-Is Erika single? – he looked at her with a face that told her he wasn’t joking in the slightest -… I have honestly had a bit of a crush…-.

She honestly tried her best not to react in the slightest, but she immediately felt so so humiliated and his touch was unbearable.

She wasn’t having the heartbreak of her life, but it was the eternal confirmation that she wasn’t… well what people looked for…

She broke away from him, immediately hearing him call her back, but it didn’t seem to last long because she saw him with the corner of her eyes move towards Erika and all she was able of doing was push herself away from the party set in a college brotherhood.

She was in search of the bathroom (third door on the left, they had told her) but a bit shocked by the situation, she took the wrong turn and ended up entering in the second door, finding a guy sitting on his bed, papers all scattered around, headphones in his ear.

He immediately unplugged them from himself, seeing her, eyeing her curiously behind a pair of reading glasses, meanwhile he passed a hand around his messy hair.

She honestly couldn’t believe she had just seen the cutest guy ever.

(And she was halfway through crying her heart out for Timothy…)

-Hey gorgeous! – he called out to her -… are you in or are you out? –.

And he motioned to the door she was keeping halfway open, showing her the little notebook from which he was reading, clearly studying, during a party.

She knew the torture.

-Sorry… I was…- and then it got her: he had just called her gorgeous -… did you just call me “gorgeous”? -.

She should have just closed the door after she had exited the room, leaving him alone and leaving some dignity to herself, since she honestly didn’t want to bother him, seeing his hazed glaze on the notebook.

-… yeah…- he mumbled, and she was sure that he had thought she was a weirdo -… you are probably the prettiest girl at the party-.

Was she having hearing trouble?

-You are not at the party so… I don’t think you can judge that well- she mumbled, still standing on the threshold getting a little smirk from the boy, meanwhile she sniffed slightly, trying to shush her emotions.

-… I literally know each girl at every part in here, except you- he mumbled, looking at her victoriously.

-So, I am gorgeous to you, only because I am new- she replied pointedly, making him roll his eyes and throw his notebook on his bed, which bounced slightly.

-Is it so bad to just take a compliment? – he mumbled, faking annoyance, meanwhile he made some space for her to sit down -… because I swear it wasn’t intended with any ill-willed thoughts-.

She laughed a bit, mostly because the boy wiggled his eyebrows jokingly.

Still tears shone in her eyes and she couldn’t help but let a few fell on her cheeks.

-… maybe it’s better for me to leave…- she mumbled, cleaning her hand over the lacey fabric of her body suit -… you need to study...-.

-I am honestly thinking it’s stupid for me to continue studying- he admitted, throwing his hands up in the air, getting another giggle from her -… I am not even sure that I can pass this exam… “do marine biology, you won’t have to study anything!” -.

She knew it was a bad idea to spend her time with a frat boy, half naked, but honestly she didn’t feel even in the slightest in danger with this boy with the prettiest eyes and the softest smile, clearly trying to comfort her and slowly, she moved towards the end of the bed, clearing a little space of papers, in order to sit down.

-I am sure you will do great- she tried to smile slightly to convey a sense of assurance, getting a slight thankful expression from the boy.

-That’s why I said that you are gorgeous…- he insisted again -… you have the prettiest smile I have ever seen-.

Now she blushed trying to hide her face in her hands, before trying to move his focus away from that matter, although she was thankful for his soft smile and honest compliments.

-… what about you stop with giving me compliments? And start with giving me your name? – she mumbled and got a laugh from him.

-Oh yeah… probably sounded like a creep…- he scratched the back of his head, nervous -… I am Jim, Jim Mason, studying marine biology and surfing in my spare time-.

And she could see it, since he had a lot of photos of himself and another girl on surfboard with a beautiful background.

-(Y/N) (L/N), studying (Y/S) and when I am not doing that, I like intruding into guys’ room to cry in peace- she joked, pointing out her tears, and Jim passed her a roll of hygienic paper to dry her tears getting an immediate big laugh from her.

“You are in a college brotherhood you can’t expect us to have silk tissues…?” he joked and from then on it was on: a battle of brotherhood jokes and legends, with her actually being the strongest disbeliever meanwhile he gingerly made fun of her and the brotherhood system.

In the end they were both laid down next to each other on the bed, she had told him about Timothy, getting a very annoyed laugh after a huff, meanwhile he ranted about how stupid college guys were.

“You are a college guy” she had quickly replied, getting a little smirk from him.

“… and a frat boy” he had added, meanwhile she just rolled her eyes “It couldn’t get much worse”.

They started laughing again and he gently brushed the hair that had fallen over her face, meanwhile she suddenly found face to face with the prettiest eyes she had ever seen, the ocean in it, shining brightly although she wasn’t anywhere near it.

It brought her to imagine what a date with him would be like.

But guys like Jim didn’t ask for her number: she was honestly surprised he was taking his time to comfort her, without trying anything, although he had been flirty in each of his affirmations, complimenting her.

But he had been a gentleman, nonetheless.

He had charmed her and made her immediately forget about Timothy and that awful night, coaxing her out of the place she had put herself in: maybe she was perfect, for somebody…

… or at least “gorgeous”.

She knew it that she didn’t need a man validation to feel gorgeous but at the same time… it helped… to feel that way, to know that there was someone who saw that in her…

… it made things easier…

So as soon as she saw him lean closer she completed the little gap between them, a bit ashamed of the velocity with which everything had wrapped itself, when she knew just that his name was Jim, he would be failing his marine biology test and he thought she was gorgeous.

She was definitely blushing like a schoolgirl, meanwhile he gently brought and hand to tangle in her hair, softly, another gently moving onto her neck to caress it, meanwhile she felt the slight pressure become stronger till a fresh feeling coated her lips and she awoke form her embarrassed trance just to discover it was his tongue, asking for permission.

And she didn’t know what to do, but to open her mouth to him seemed decadently natural.

He softly caressed her, comforting her and she couldn’t help but melt in the gentleness of the kiss, meanwhile his tongue explored her mouth and although she would have found that description disgusting…

…the way he swirled his tongue with expertise… she couldn’t help but moan in the kiss.

And he separated himself from her, softly, looking at her shiny eyes: she could see herself smile under the stars near the ocean, a future that might not be so impossible, because of the beautiful smile linked to his eyes.

-Well… I mean… I might not have gotten much study, but I kissed the prettiest girl of the party-.

-Flattery won’t get you anywhere, with me- she joked, linking and brushing their noses together, meanwhile he kept caressing her hair, passing them through his fingers softly, attentive to the knots.

-I already got a kiss, and I am sure that with the right amount of marine fauna knowledge I could also convince you to give me your number- although he seemed all cocky she couldn’t help but identify a tone of shyness in his voice, which clearly spoke greatly about his true feelings.

-Pass the exam and I might consider it- she mumbled, meanwhile she reached out for her discarded robe, covering her bodysuit, but giving Jim a last cheeky look which he took thankfully, almost reverently, as if she was his favorite goddess.

At that same time, a knock on the door was hear and a male voice called out drunkenly to know if the bathroom was occupied, to which Jim replied dramatically:

-I am trying to get a very pretty girl’s number, do not come in! – she giggled, before moving to grab his phone quickly, typing her number quickly, before giving it back to him.

-Call me just if you pass the exam…- she warned him, before kissing gently his check, making sure that her lipstick smudged a bit on his cheek, hearing something about him “never ever washing that cheek again”, before grabbing back the phone, winking at her.

He then gentlemanly offered to accompany her outside, where she immediately met Erika.

She was pretty sure that now that he had seen Erika, Jim would have realized that maybe he had done the wrong choice, but he just linked their hands together, which didn’t pass unnoticed by her roommate.

She smirked and suggested they stayed a bit longer, but she honestly felt like she had taken already too much of Jim’s time, considering that he had an exam (they had ever tried to look over her notes, but the boy’s handwriting was just the messiest).

This time it was him who kissed her cheek, before whispering huskily in her ear “goodnight, beautiful”.

And the blush on her cheeks didn’t lessen in the slightest, on their way to their dorms and Erika made fun of it.

But, at least, the following day she had a date with the prettiest of the frat boys.

---

Hello, lovelies!

As always... if you have liked this please: heart it, reblog it and let me know with an ask or anything else if you liked it or not (gently, thank you very much) so I can write and do better for the next fics!

(Also I don’t know if I will be able to upload a fic next week, because I will be on a trip, so... but just so you know, I will then be back to my usual posting, with amazing ideas!)

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[secretariatess]

LEN/MIDORI for uh T, Y, U?

T- Truth1. Are they honest?You’re more likely to get a straight answer from Midori than you are Len.  She’s pretty honest unless she’s got a reason to hide something.  Len’s somewhere in middle ground because I wouldn’t say he’s completely dishonest.  Depending on what’s being talked about, he’ll give half-truths, roundabout answers, or flat out lie.  Those who can break the wall (or were already behind the wall) he has, he’ll be more honest.2. Can they tell if someone’s lying?They both have a gut sense that tells them if someone’s not being truthful, though Midori can be easier to trick.  Len fits the phrase “takes one to know one,” so anything that fools Midori isn’t going to fly by him.3. Is it obvious when they’re lying?With Len, you never really know.  If he gives you answer that’s not roundabout, then it could be the truth, a half-truth, a joke, or a lie, and as far as anyone can see, he’s got no tell.  Midori has a certain tell that Len’s able to pick up on, and will be exaggerated the bigger the lie is.  So little lies she can get away with. With big lies it’s obvious, but she says it with such determination and rigidness that it’s clear she won’t give you the truth as it is.4. Have they lied about anything they regret lying about?Midori’s thrown harsh words (such as “I honestly hate you”) to family members she really loves, but in a moment of built up anger wanted to hurt them.  It was several years before she could come face to face with them again and amend what was said.  Len’s numbed himself to the guilt of lying, so it would have to be a really big moment for him to feel regret over it.  At the moment, I can’t think of anything he regrets lying about.5. Have they told truths that were spread against their will?Not that I can recall at the top of my head.  Both of them are not easy trusters (now that I think about it, it’s amazing they let each other in enough to get married), and don’t tell people they don’t trust deep truths about themselves. Or other truths they don’t want to spread around.

U- Underdog (My mind insists on either putting these in the form of a word or alphabetically)1. Have they been bullied?Midori’s experienced being bullied when she was young.  When she became a teenager and entered in Riverside, a foster boarding school, she exuded almost a tough girl mien as kind of a defense without realizing it.  Len actually strays more towards being the bully, so that’s next question.2. Have they bullied anyone?Midori’s only done defense.  Strike first, and she’ll make you regret it.  Len would be considered more the bully.  He does a lot of practical joke kind of stuff or daredevil things (collecting spiders from around Riverside to plant in a breakfast dish in the cafeteria, and going to the top of roof to try and climb all the way down).  But he also does a lot of teasing and annoying because he loves reactions.  Not stuff like flat out insulting, but things he knows will get under someone’s skin.  when he was younger he did it a lot to Midori because he liked her (and she gave the most visceral reactions), but he’d also do it to people he didn’t care for.  Like a girl named Relsha who was infatuated with him.  Even if he didn’t intend on being mean, his tactics to some came off rather harsh and hurtful, and not everyone took what he did as a joke or trying to get under their skin.3. Have they ever been physically attacked by a bully?Len’s had abusers/tormentors before he went to Riverside, so if they count as bullies, then the answer would be yes.  However, I feel “bully” is too soft a word for that.  Midori’s also been physically attacked.  And because of the situation and the fact that the bully who would physically attack was a sister, the issue was never addressed in time.4. Have they ever been doubted?Both of them have. Midori was considered the weak link in her family.  She ended up gathering a group of friends that took down the evil part of her family.  Len . . . was always expected to cause trouble and it was widely believed by many adults who were put in actual charge of him without a harmful agenda that he wouldn’t amount to anything.5. Have they surprised people with being good at something?Midori’s surprised friends with her prowess with fighting.  But that was more because she never shared her life before knowing them, so they never knew that she was trained when she was young.  Len surprised staff at Riverside with becoming the top Search Agent in the country, which is basically a bounty hunter meets private investigator, to put it simply.

Y- You1. How old were you when you created them?Uhhhhhhh . . ..  Twelve?  Thirteen?  Around there.  Len’s actually been around longer, but his name wasn’t originally Len.  I think I made him closer to when I was twelve, and Midori closer to when I was thirteen.2. What inspired you to create them?lol, um, the Vocaloids. Eyyyyeaaaaaah.  I had an idea of creating my own Vocaloid like characters.  They weren’t originally supposed to be a part of a big story as they are now, but here we are.  3. Were they different when they were first created?Oh yeah.  Midori not so much, but Len definitely.  Midori was inspired by Miku Hatsune, and her earlier designs had her in a costume that was based off Miku’s own traditional costume.  But with the development of her character, her taste in clothing led her away from that design and more into rough and tumble clothes (actually, no skirts now! Only on special occasions).  Hair and eye color remained the same (mint green) and her hair had slight variation in style.  Her personality has become more defined and she’s a lot more strict than she used be.  Len was ORIGINALLY named Kuro Ameiro.  Kuro had black hair that went slightly past his ears, wore a coat like Ed Elric’s without the symbol on the back (though I didn’t know who he was at the time), had a sword as his weapon of choice, and had a bit of a more serious personality.  Now, he’s known as Len, he has really long blond hair that’s kept in a ponytail 99% of the time, wearing a coat like Ed’s isn’t something he’s opposed to but wouldn’t last long, daggers and other bladed items that can be thrown are his weapons of choice, and he’s definitely not as serious anymore.  I actually didn’t want to name him Len because that was his original draft name (guess where that came from), but Kuro was not fitting him (also, “Shiro”, Kuro’s sister, wasn’t fitting Liesha correctly).  At this point, however, I think he’s developed enough and styled differently enough that while the inspiration can be seen, he’s a different character altogether.Maybe one of these days I should do comparison art of the two to show how much they’ve changed.4. Do you enjoy writing them more than other characters?Len is one of the character I enjoy working with the most, and definitely more than Midori (sorry honey), but the both of them, yeah.  They’re part of the original seven characters whose story ultimately opened up the world I have now to something bigger, and had even opened the door to restarting older stories I had abandoned by the time I created them.  So they have a special place in my heart and are part of the reason why I don’t really want to write the decalogy I have planned.  Because then that’s the end.  It’s such a melancholy feeling.5. What’s your favorite thing about them?Their personalities and their relationship dynamics.  Just imagining their married life together, and how they grow to a point where their personalities actually end up complimenting each other.  Also, it’s so fun writing the scenes where Len pesters Midori, before they admit they like each other, because there’s so much hidden intent and other things behind it that they either don’t know or won’t admit to.

Thank you so much for asking, and thanks for you patience!  ^_^  I was at the church for most of the day, showing it off and such.  XD

[phxse-shifter]

Bones [ Kaito / Sharon – Chapters 1 & 2]

A redo of a fic that was previously posted on my NSFW blog. Chapters 1 and 2 are redone here, and the title revised. The rest of the chapters will be posted separately.

Summary: In the Midas Group, scandals and confrontations are the norm and Kaito is immediately thrown into just how harsh working for the elusive and dangerous Dr. X. One thing leads to another and he ends up partners with Sharon, who’s more than willing to help him become a powerful figure in the Midas Group. Told in Kaito’s POV.

  “You are my god, you are my soul, you’re my savior in a devil’s world—and I                              can’t exist without you, I can’t exist without you.”

      “You are my drug, my miracle, you are my cure in this infected world-- and I                         can’t do this without you, I’m dying here without you.”

It was clear that when I started working with her, that I had no chance of escaping her clutches. She is the Black Widow, and I am her prey. I both blessed and cursed Dr. X for making me her partner. It was something I thought about since I first started working for him, but thought I would never see come to fruition due to her status. Even now, I would have much preferred my own area but to him, I wasn’t trustworthy enough for that. I needed to be “watched”, he says. By someone more trustworthy. I’d already had a recent strain of failures in regards to his wishes– which I still didn’t understand or bother trying to in detail– so he wasn’t trying to give me favor. To him, I was on thin ice. Not even that, but trying to fight my way through frigid waters.

Two days ago, I first entered the lab of Dr. Sharon Gagliardi.  

Who would have thought that the most dangerous and intelligent woman of the science community would be working for the devil incarnate? She was revered far and wide by many. Anyone would kill to work with her. To be in my place. Well, that was their problem. I’m her partner now, and by the looks of it, I’m going to be staying here with her for a bit.

However, I mess THIS up—our partnership, she’s going to tell Dr. X, and he’s either going to fire or maim me. That, or before she tells him, I’ll end up one of her “detailed little experiments” just for pissing her off in the wrong way or going against her. Her stoic face can’t hide her often cruel intentions. Working for Dr. X would do that to someone, still, it’s actually surprising to me. When she plots, and I ask her, albeit reluctantly, if she needs “assistance”, she laughs me off, saying I would destroy her plans instantly. I’m going to prove her wrong, if she would allow me to do that.

I know she thinks of herself as some sort of goddess or whatever. I don’t care too much about that, except for the fact she thought of me of some sort of eyesore. I was more or less her errandboy, and was not allowed to do anything remotely interesting for her. When I kept to myself, even that was a bother for her. It’s frustrating, because I do respect her… but she barely respected me.

“Daichi.”

Ah, yes. She only used my last name. I’m used to that, because my culture showed respect  by using the last name, yet the way she says mine is mocking. I look her in the eyes and say nothing, awaiting her next cruel statement, and icy glare. Instead it never comes, and she sighs, as if I’d disappointed her and turns on her heel, walking away. This is what I was going to deal with until I could prove myself to Dr. X and beg him for my own personal laboratory.

“You know, Gagliardi, all you have to do is tell Dr. X you don’t want me here,” I say to her, almost praying she’d make up some elaborate lie to get me out of here. “I bet it’d solve a whole lot of problems for you.”

She pauses, turning around with a strange, cold smile on her face, and fixes her glasses.

“Contrary to your popular belief, I don’t find you that repulsive. You just need work.”

“Elaborate,” I ask her. It may have sounded like an order, but I know she secretly likes when someone stands up to her. It surprises her. Makes her think.

She entertains me. “For starters, your work makes you worthy of being here. I’ve noted your designs stemming from Japan. You recently opened them up outside of your country. You’ve helped many with them, including those with disabilities—but you’re incredibly naïve. Your decision… Out of all the people you chose to work with… chose to work for the leader of the Midas Group, despite all the media telling you about the conspiracies, which are true. Why here?”

I freeze. For the first time since I’ve started working with her, she complimented me. I didn’t even think she gave my work a second glance! Yet, she did. I thank her quickly, but contemplate her next words. My reasons for choosing to work for Dr. X are a mixed mess, though I won’t exactly tell her that.

“I know choosing to work with Dr. X is something that a sane person wouldn’t choose to do, but I knew what I was doing when I approached him and I know what I’m doing now, Gagliardi. My reasoning will remain secret, for now. I just need more time.”

“Very well.”

We leave it at that. Throughout the remainder of our work for today, I can feel her eyes on me. I feel her looking at my every move, as if she’s analyzing me in my entirety. I’m trying my best to put something together but I can’t exactly do that since I know she’s looking at me and most likely judging me. She’s sitting, crossing her leg, fiddling her thumbs but still looking at me and I almost hate that. It’s bothering me, so much, so, so much so that the next stack of papers I pick up shake in my hands, a signal that my heart’s racing.

Next, I don’t even hear her footsteps despite her always wearing heels. She comes up behind me and grabs both of my wrists, stabilizing me by force. Her hands are soft against mine. She’s so close that some of her golden tresses rest on her shoulder, yet that does nothing to calm me. She’s never been this close to me and I don’t know how to feel about this.

“You’re shaking,” she noted.

I try not to roll my eyes. It can’t be helped that I’m shaking. I’m nervous. Nervous, but not scared.

“I didn’t notice,” I respond, sarcasm laced into my voice.

Oddly enough, she chuckles as she releases her grip, allowing me to put the stack of papers back down. She fiddles her hair, as if nothing has happened, and returns to her chair. This time she doesn’t look my way, and I’m able to get all tasks done. It’s as if she’s isn’t in the room. Why is she doing these things? To get something out of me? What does she want now? Things would be so much better if she didn’t do things like this.

“You seem to do much better when you’re isolated,” she noted quietly, her back still turned.

“Thanks,” I respond, sarcastically once again to her. “It’s the anxiety. I’d much rather not be near anyone– especially someone who considers my presence babysitting.”

“I do not consider your presence babysitting,” She opposes me greatly, standing up and walking towards me. Her eyes pierce mine, and her words are strong without the slightest hesitation in her voice. I know she is telling me the truth. I wanted to put her on the spot, to get her to admit something. I didn’t want to let her win but it backfired in such a strange way. “Like I said, you need work. You need more experience here, but I do not consider your presence that of a child.”

I don’t know how to respond. I can tell her words are true as I noted earlier, but it’s so unexpected. I thought she hated me even, despite respecting my work. You can respect the work but not the person to some extent. I open my mouth to apologize but she cuts me off.

“Come earlier tomorrow.”

I sigh. “Look, Gagliardi, I know you want someone to wake up for you at the crack of dawn but I actually-”

“Not for me,” she cuts in. For Dr. X. He’s coming to access our work tomorrow. Yours, specifically. The man’s always up at some ungodly hour so he’s using that to his advantage tomorrow.”

I sigh again. The creations I’ve made, mainly my cybernetics, would not be enough to please him. My cybernetics were made mostly to alter one’s body and he already had many creations involving that. Even with the ones I’ve made for weapons would be of no use to him. Dr. X had the power ot freeze over cities if he really wanted to. My worries are many, but instead of speaking all of those to Gagliardi of all people? I say the one thing that just manages to pop out of my mouth.

“…This man has a wife.”

I get her to laugh. “Oh trust me, Dr. X is a cakewalk compared to her.”

I raise my brows. “Really?”

She looks at me in surprise.

“You haven’t seen her? She’s almost always with him, at his side, and dressed in purple. Her hair covers her right eye. She is unavoidably the cruelest, and always gets her way, but she loves Dr. X to death. She has the power to get rid of someone herself. Don’t mess with her. For your own sake.”

My heart raced. What if she were with him tomorrow? If even Gagliardi was scared of her, then I would be terrified. Would she think my talent was so worthless that she would tell her husband to get rid of me or even do it herself? I try to tell myself I’m overthinking things. This is Dr. X. He always had the final say. Maybe she had insight on certain matters but she wasn’t the final determiner… Right?

“I’ll help you, of course,” she says suddenly.

“Why? Gagliardi, I-”

“I want to help you.” She responds.  For as long as I’ve been here, there has been no suitable partner for me. I want you to stay here. I would much rather work with you and help you to stay here. Now get ready for tomorrow.

Before I can ask her to elaborate, she tells me quickly to get ready for tomorrow while almost pushing me out. I know I won’t be able to sleep.

I needed to be certain I wouldn’t end up as someone Dr. X– or his wife– maimed.

                                               End of Chapter 1.

This time, I didn’t care about waking up early. I woke two hours early to head to the lab Gagaliadi and I shared. I looked at the time briefly and it was about three am. When she said Dr. X is awake at ungodly hours, she was right. He is our leader, after all. He must have to check every little detail before he is able to sleep soundly. When I entered our lab, of course Gagliardi was there, and I noticed my papers were out on the table, sorted neatly. All I would have to do is hand them over to Dr. X without a word and that’s exactly what I was going to do.

What’s alarming is that Gagliardi told me earlier that these visits were frequent even when I wasn’t here, so he wasn’t just out for me, so why did I feel he was? I see her now. She looked conflicted. Sitting in her chair, crossing her leg, and waving her own notes idly, she didn’t move her head to look at me, and didn’t acknowledge me. That was strange. She would have at least said something. Normally, I wouldn’t care considering when she looked my way it was often to criticize despite her objection yesterday but the expression she had wasn’t her usual. I am not compelled to speak. I don’t dare interrupt her. She hates that and would have no problem insulting me if I did so.

Instead, she is the one that breaks the deafening silence.

“This is the fifth time this month,” is all she said.

My eyes look towards the white floor tiles. She and I were both on edge. Her soft, worried voice is foreign to me. I’ve never heard her speak or act this way even though I’ve worked with her for so little.

“He’s planning something,” she continued.

Dr. X could be planning anything. He was… Unpredictable to say the least. We never knew his intentions, however there was one rule I knew was law in the Midas Group. What Dr. X wants is what Dr. X gets. All resistance denied. No one wanted nor dared to say ‘no’ to him. No one wanted to see him enraged. It was terrifying and I didn’t even know what it looked like, but I did know what it sounded like. When I and the rest of the Group knew he was angry, we heard screams and had to drown out the noise with something else.

“Is it something we’ll have to… Assist him with?” I ask her, my voice unable to be above a whisper.

I can see the dread in her face.

“You and I had better hope not,” she responded.

I wanted to ask why, but our doors opening did not allow that. My heart skips a beat and like clockwork, Gagliardi gets up almost immediately, wiping the blank expression off of her face and stands next to me and I straigten myself out, forcing the worry and dread off of my face. I could not look weak. I would not look weak.

Dr. X is as I remember him. Intimidating. Showing his status and power, and not here for niceties in any way. He does not speak until another person enters. She is just as Gagliardi described her.

The woman who entered stood next to Dr. X, her arms crossed. There was a mystery to her. I wanted to know more about her instantly. She was like a siren, singing a song that led sailors to their death. She, like described previously, was wearing purple and gold. Her hair was indeed over the right side of her face, and her hands were gloved. Our eyes connect but before my body makes me freeze, I give a formal bow.

“Dr. X, Dr…-“

I didn’t know her name.

“Elaine,” she responded.

“-Dr. Elaine. Welcome.”

“A pleasure to have you both,” Gagliardi greets them herself. “We’re pleased to see you.”

Our greetings done, Dr. X walks over to our table, surveying our notes. I wanted to speak on my latest work, but I wouldn’t be allowed to do so. Dr. X’s wife- Dr. Elaine—approaches me. She looks at me like predator hunting prey. Up and down. To the sides, before her eye pierces mine. That deep black color that I couldn’t stop looking at. I couldn’t move. Why could I not move? I wanted to move but I couldn’t move. Anything to put more space between us but I can’t move. My heart is racing? Why in the name of everything couldn’t I MOVE?

“I don’t believe we’ve met,” she spoke to me.

Her voice is like the siren’s I compared her to earlier. I feel like I’m in a trance, as if I’m only supposed to pay attention to her lest I receive a swift and painful punishment. If I don’t pay attention to her, I’ll die. I have to follow and respect her every move. I will die. I will die if I don’t. I’ll die.

“We… We haven’t,” I said in a quiet, submissive voice. “I am-“

She chuckled. “-Dr. Kaito Daichi. My husband has told me a lot about you.”

I am completely frozen. At her mercy. I don’t know entirely if if her that’s really doing something to me, but I can’t move and the only thing I’m thankful for is that I can still control my eyes and overall expressions despite the trance. I try my best to not show fear, though I don’t have a damn clue if it’s working. She doesn’t stop looking at me and it reminds me of how much Gagliardi looks at me when she’s observing my work. Except with her I don’t feel like I’m going to die.

“Your devices are useful… Though, they are not what I’m looking for, nor am I overly impressed. After all this, and me being gracious enough to pair you with Dr. Gagliardi, you still haven’t made something for me?” I register Dr. X speking. I have to defend myself but I’m still forced to look at Dr. Elaine. If she really is doing this, then I want to test a theory.

I won’t allow it to end this way. I know I’m worthy of being here. My creations were not noted in my home country just because they look pleasing. They are worthy and I will be more than willing to prove it. Can’t you just tell him that? Please? Believe in me, if that is what you wish.

I don’t know how. I don’t know why, but Dr. Elaine’s gaze is different. It’s like she heard me. It’s like she’s thinking about what I said—no. What I thought.

I’m even more surprised as Gagliardi even tries to defend me herself, being my voice.

“Doctor, you know his inventions-“

“Quiet, Dr. Gagliardi.” Dr. Elaine interrupts her. “Anything that needs to be addressed will be asked by my husband.”

I can’t tell with my eyes, but I know he’s just looking at my inventions mockingly and wondering the best way to kill me so his secret is safe. The hold Dr. Elaine has over me… Breaks. She moves from me, grabs her husband’s arm, and she shakes her head disapprovingly. What is she doing?

“My love,” she says softly. “You mustn’t be so harsh. Dr. Daichi is still new. A fresh bud. You haven’t let him cultivate. Don’t be so, so mean, my love. He needs time and we have enough time for now.”

“Elaine-”

“Time is precious, my love,” she says sweetly. “Don’t be so hasty.”

“Fine,” Dr. X says.

Did she just defend me herself? However, my relief is instantly taken away.

“You make the conditions.”

I knew this would happen.

Dr. X turns on his heel and escorts himself out. I can see Gagliardi look as if she’s seen a ghost on my behalf, and I know this isn’t going to end well for me. I’m forced to look at Dr. Elaine, who was more than terrifying at this point once again again, and she takes her index finger and traces my cheek. I will myself to look at her strongly. Her next words shock the hell out of me.

“Dr. Daichi… Do not allow it to end this way.”

And just like that, she was gone.

I can’t force myself to be strong anymore. I sank to my knees. I wondered if it were too late to run away. To go in hiding? I begin breathing heavily. My head begins to hurt. I’m fucking sleep deprived. It was all too much and I’m on the verge of panicking. My heart is beating rapidly. I have to calm down or things will get worse. If my health deteriorates I’ll really be useless like Dr. X already thinks. The worst thing? I’m doing it in front of Gagliardi. I feel embarrassed. Almost disgusted with myself.

But she’s not ridiculing me. She’s not criticizing me.

She’s next to me, on her own knees, and pulls me close, holding me. She strokes my hair and it feels strange, but comforting, as if she was trying to protect me. It would take a bit to calm down, but this was certainly helping. She was helping me. Even if she’s doing this out of pity, I don’t care. It’s helping me. I’ll be alright soon. I’ll be alright.

“I alone will get Dr. X off of your shoulders,” she says, determined. “I’ll make this end. I won’t let anyone cause you to leave here.”

I hold on to her almost for dear life.

“Why… Why couldn’t I move?” I ask her.

“That was Elaine. She can do that. She does it so the recipient’s words do not influence her husband. Though, it makes him judge more harshly. Elaine defended you, however. She has never done that. Ever.”

I think I know why. It’s because Dr. Elaine can read my thoughts. She heard me. I don’t know how or why, but she heard me and in the end, that small moment of faith in me is what has me still standing—on a spiritual note. Me being on my knees right now isn’t exactly me “standing” right now. Still, I feel compelled to thank her when I see her again, and I’ll be seeing more of her again.

Gagliardi wills me to stand, and has me face her. Her words is something that would follow me over and over again for as long as I tried to prove myself.

“Realize one thing– You actively chose to work for Dr. X,” she begins. “No matter the desperation you had and your motif, you chose to do this when there were other options you could have ventured to. Do not presume to think yourself innocent and incapable of cruelty. You have to embrace that side of you. You have to be strong. There are moments where you’ll have to show heartlessness. You will have to be cruel. You will have to do things that… Are not ethical in the slightest. That truth will set you free.”

[tenshibeth1]

Now and Forever- Part 1

Sess-Kag Week 2k18

Canon take-off. Sequel to Written In The Stars.

(Wow this is longer than I'd meant it to be! This story had a mind of its own... 0.0 I hope you all enjoy! ^,^ )

(Edit: It is so big I have to divide it into separate posts. Sorry for the inconvenience!)

Prompt:

Day 3 - Sudden, steal, soft, breeze

Dark clouds loomed overhead, the brisk breeze warning Kagome that the storm was coming. Her white and blue traditional garb whipped around her as she struggled to pick a few more herbs that hadn't been completely roasted by the harsh summer sun. "Just a little more," Kagome pleaded with the sky as she plucked a green root from beneath the soil. She had no such luck. Lightning streaked across the sky, thunder cracking right along behind it. As if it was a signal, a sudden heavy downpour began. She was drenched before she had even gotten to her feet. "Great!" Kagome groaned as she pulled her woven basket to her chest and darted under trees. They provided minor protection from the driving rain, but it was something, at least. However...she had wandered too far away from Edo to simply sprint back to the dry comfort of her hut. Vision blurred and feet slipping along slickening mud, she decided to search for shelter elsewhere. There were caves around there somewhere...she just had to find them.

Visibility really was terrible. She stumbled into numerous trees and thickets in her search for a safe place to crash. Twigs and leaves caught in her long tresses; limbs and thorns scratched and tore into her tender skin. And she was pretty sure she pulled something in her left ankle in one of her mud slides... Gasping for breath, ribs burning, Kagome slipped and grasped for what looked like a tree...but it was a dense thicket. She fell right through. "Shhhiii-uhhnn!" The basket went flying as she fell through...onto a hard, flat, rock. The pain registered first, a burning-stinging sensation in her limbs, her knees scraped up right along with her forearms. Kagome scrambled to get on all fours, searching out the basket and some of the fallen herbs. It was about that point that she'd found four escaped herbs that it dawned on her. She crashed onto a rough, rocky surface...ergo, she was very close to a cave. Grabbing one more herb, Kagome crawled her way back to the rocks, following the trail into the mouth of the cave. Kagome was finally given reprieve from the onslaught of water...

Sliding the basket farther in, she just laid out on the dry, sandy floor for a long moment, panting and trying to tune out the burning in her body from running and the stinging of her scratches and scrapes. She expanded her reiki, searching the cave for possible youkai threats or signs of life anywhere within. It was empty, thank the gods! Kagome slowly hefted herself up into a sitting position, wincing and hissing as she did. Man she was sore! And getting chilled. The weather was cooling off rapidly. While it wasn't cold by any definition, Kagome was soaked to the bone and the whipping wind did nothing to ease the coolness from her flesh. Goosebumps raised and she cursed as she began to tremble. She had to take off her sopping wet clothes. Peering outside, she could only see hints of green and brown amid the storm. Lightning lit the sky as thunder rumbled behind it, but the visibility wasn't any better. If she couldn't see out, no one could probably see in, either. She hoped. With reluctance, Kagome untied the ties of her hakama and shimmied out of them. Her left ankle hit the rocky ground and pain flooded in.

"Oowwww...geeeeeeez," she groaned, freeing her legs from the fabric. Parting her white kimono and nagajuban, Kagome slid her hands along her smooth left leg to her very obviously swollen ankle. "Great...that's all I needed...," She sighed. But there wasn't much she could do for it. The herbs she'd managed to pick weren't anything she could use for swelling. Untying her kimono, Kagome shed both it and the nagajuban. She used the tie, still soaked and cool, to wrap around her ankle. Maybe the coolness would help reduce the swelling before she was able to get out. Spreading her clothes out on the floor to dry, she wrung out her waist-length locks before crawling around on hands and knees in the dark- carefully keeping her ankle off the ground. She felt out the floor as she went, finding a nook in the side of the cave. It wasn't very big...maybe with enough room for two people to squeeze in. But it was out of the way of the chilling wind. Kagome shuffled in and situated herself with her back to the wall, legs drawn to her chest. The storm had only just begun...and it looked like it might rage on for a while. With another sigh, she laid her head down on top of her knees and erected a small barrier that encompassed the cave. And now...the wait...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Lord Sesshoumaru...you're soaked," Sango greeted the daiyoukai at the door of her hut and ushered him in, handing him a length of cloth to dry off with all the while. He inclined his head in thanks.

"Where is the miko?" He asked instead of greeting them, merely holding the cloth in hand as the water-logged Inu stood near to the door. He was entirely uncomfortable being as wet as he was, dressed. The clothes stuck to his skin right along with his silver strands of hair. But he did nothing to convey his discomfort. Sango and Miroku's very much dry kids were playing cheerily by the fire.

"She went out hours ago to gather herbs...," Sango informed with a worried nibble to her lip. "The storm started in, and there's been no trace of her..."

"How long has it been since the storm began?" His eyes narrowed perceptibly.

"A couple of hours, maybe...Miroku went out to see if he could find her," Sango replied, her every pore dripping with worry. And she was right to be. Any human in this weather would not be well-off...not to mention the possibility of illness or incident of either the youkai sort or that of nature. Sesshoumaru was not happy. "We hoped maybe she had found-!" She was interrupted by a huff and a gasp as Miroku staggered in and fell to his knees as he panted softly. "Miroku!" Sango was at his side in the blink of an eye, hand on his shoulder. Sesshoumaru blinked at the monk. The rain was so droning that he hadn't even heard the ningen coming... All of his senses were dulled by that damned water falling from the heavens. This was exactly why he hated rain...

"I'm...alright," Miroku panted, water quickly pooling around him as he looked up at Sango with a tired but loving smile.

"You didn't find the miko," Sesshoumaru spoke with his usual stoic mask, only his tone betraying his disappointment.

"It's not...that I didn't...," Miroku shook his head, gazing up at the daiyoukai as his amber eyes narrowed just a bit more. Miroku's black hair clung to his face, water droplets streaming down like tears. His face was etched with regret. "I couldn't...reach her. She was too far out...and with the weather as it is...the paths are hazardous. Too much for humans...I know my limitations... But, she's holed up in the North-West somewhere... There's some small mountains there, and I hope...she found shelter in them... I followed the feel of her reiki for a while- that's how I found...out which direction she went. Kagome is staying stationary somewhere in that general direction...and that is all I can say for certain."

"...You did well," Sesshoumaru praised, dropping the cloth Sango had given him onto the drenched monk. Miroku looked up at him in wide-eyed shock. Sesshoumaru wasn't one to give compliments very often. Only when they were well-deserved. And this was one of the rare few times. Because the monk had useful information to go on. If Sesshoumaru had been searching for Kagome in this weather with his youki and she wasn't using her reiki...it was similar to trying to find a star behind dense clouds. Murky at best with unfavorable results. But she was using her reiki...so her light would penetrate said metaphorical clouds. He could find her. The terrain was a bother, but it wasn't as much of a problem for him as it was for humans. Without a word, Sesshoumaru turned and began walking out of the hut.

"W-wait!" Sango called after him. Sesshoumaru paused. "Where are you going?!"

"To retrieve the miko," he replied simply. Before more could be said or asked, Sesshoumaru was speeding out of the hut and into the downpour. Instead of using his other senses...which were completely useless to him at the moment, he opened up his youki and spread it out as he started North-West. At first he couldn't feel her reiki. And he was partially distracted by the rain. Going at his normal speed- which far exceeded Inuyasha's- in the driving rain and harsh winds gave him wind burn. Nasty red splotches that burned and stung his flesh enough to make his fingers curl. It would be gone within moments of stopping somewhere, but it was an unneeded annoyance nonetheless. It almost kept him from recognizing the weak pulse of Kagome's reiki. He did stop then, after about half an hour of relentless searching. The rain was an annoyance in so many ways...but he closed his eyes and focused passed the cold water to the weakening reiki. His youki poured out like a tidal wave, searching out what should have been a conflicting energy, and it washed over the reiki...an aura so pure and refreshing that it could only be the miko's. Her power was ebbing away...she was weakening. Was she being attacked? Was she wounded? Knocked unconscious? In some sort of predicament? He couldn't tell. The only thing he knew for sure, besides her far-off location, was that there were no youkai within several meters of her. Strange, but he wasn't complaining. His golden eyes opened, flaming with ambition and purpose. "I am coming....Kagome." With an urgency he felt down deep in his bones, Sesshoumaru began sprinting in her direction.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

End Part 1

[thoughtfulpaperback]

I am not a counselor and wont claim to have any extensive knowledge on this but from personal experience.... a little self-deprecation is okay. I dont necessary mean as a coping mechanism, but in general.

I say things like *looks in mirror one day* " oh crap you are a tree monster! Chica! You gotta do better." Or "I am a terrible person."

Do I feel like every day of the week I am an ugly tree monster? No! Do I truly think I am a terrible person? Well in comparison to murders no, but I am willing to steal candy from a baby so judge as you'd like. I think it's fine to occasionally say stuff like that either alone or in company. And it's annoying when people try to "correct me". I am not fishing for compliments and you made it weird and uncomfortable for me now- and I am probably gonna not want to talk or open up to you afterward. I may even be a little mad at you.

I like a little self-deprecation part of it is humor, and maybe a little coping, but at the end of the day I dont love myself any less than someone who doesnt ever engage in self deprecation. No really it's True. I love myself. I pick on myself every now and then, but I wouldnt want to be anyone other than myself and most of the time I think I am pretty great though far from perfect.

I think where self-deprecation is really bad is when you start believing what you say or when you continue to say stuff like that to yourself when you are vulnerable.

Example, when I was first going through my depression I constantly was self-deprecating in a way I wasnt before. I was upset with myself and made comment like "wow you can't even get out of bed?" "You are useless now." And constantly compared myself to who I was at the best place in my life which only seemed to confirm the horrible things I was now thinking about myself. At this point in my life I did not love myself. It was the first time in my life were I didnt. It was a real breakdown and break through moment with my counselor (who my teachers and cohort encouraged me to see though I really didnt want to) when she asked me to describe my feelings and thoughts and the words just floated out "I dont like myself anymore, I think I actually really hate this new me right now.

In my case, at that point, I tried to avoid all self-deprecating comments.

Healing is a journey and I cant ever say that I am "cured" or 100% better, I can say I am at a good spot in my life. And I at a place where I can make the occasional self-deprecating joke or comment and it doesn't hurt my spirit or self-confidence.

I dont know if it is like this for everyone (probably not) and I am not saying that other people are wrong.

I just think that I cant possibly be the only one who likes a little self-deprecation and isnt so horribly affected by it.

Honestly sometimes I just get mad when people try to correct me.

Ex.

A friend: wow I love you hair it looks so good

Me: nah, it's a frizz mess, gonna cut it all off and start wearing wigs, if these curls can decide what they want to do.

Friends: what! NO! Your hair is beautiful.... I want curly hair like yours ...blah blah blah *goes on spiel about grass being greener on the other side and people wanting straight hair when they have curly hair*

Me internally:

I DONT WANT STRAIGHT HAIR!!! I DOMT NEED YOU TO THINK MY HAIR IS PRETTY TO VALIDATE IT. ITS FRIZZY. FRIZZY ISNT UGLY! I LIKE SOME FRIZZ BUT NOT WHEN OT STARTS MESSING WITH MY DEFINITION! YOU WANTING HAIR LIKE MINE DOES NOT TAKE AWAY FROM THE FACT I SPENT LIKE SIX HOURS DOING MY HAIR AND IT IS A CRAP SHOOT IF IT WILL TURN OUT THE WAY I WANT IT, NOT NECESSARILY WHAT IS "BEAUTIFUL" OR "NICE" OR ASTHETICALLY PLEASING, WHICH IS FRUSTRATING AND THE LITTLE COMMENT IS JUST A WAY FOR ME TO VENT A LITTLE WITHOUT GOING THROUGH THE WHOLE SONG AND DANCE. I WANT TO HIT YOU SO BAD BECAUSE IF YOU HAD JUST LAUGHED IT OFF OR SAID WHATEVER WE COULD HAVE MOVED ON AND ENJOYED THE DAY BUT NOW I AM UPSET AND PROBABLY AM NOT GOING TO ENJOY OUR INTERACTIONS FOR A BIT WHICH IS REALLY GONNA PUT A DAMPER ON OUR TIME TOGETHER.

Another example that absolutely scarred me.

In sixth grade during the math period for some reason on of the activities was measuring body parts (like the distance between the ears, eyes, and length of arms etc) my teacher made a comment about davinci and how people were more beautiful the more proportional thier measurements were as one of the "pretty" girls was being measured (as the model for how to do the measuring). I cam honestly say I was unbothered and focused on getting all my measuring as accurate as possible...until I noticed my friend starting to get upset as we were helping each other

She commented on her eyes being too close together (based on the measurement the teacher mentioned and the girl's measurement). So then I was upset because she was upset. After the class was done and the rest of the students left I stayed and confronted the teacher about it. I told him that I didnt think the comment about perfect proportions was not necessary and that it could hurt someone's feelings. He then tried to get me to "admit" I was the one who was upset trying to make play it as if the issue wasnt his comments but "my insecurities". I denied that my feelings were hurt. And I was getting uncomfortable, so I went for a self-deprecating comment to soothe me. I said "look I am completely comfortable being average looking, most people are! It's not something I feel bad about."

To which he started saying I shouldnt say those things and that it was bad and then he said- and this is an exact quote that I dont think I will ever forget- "you just need to look on a mirror every day and say "I am beautiful" because if you lie to yourself everyday you'll eventually believe it."

To which I probably made a face of *how the hell did we get to this conversation from addressing your inappropriate comments*.

I was stunned. And hurt. I never thought I wasnt beautiful. I thought I was average as in not picture or model perfect. Average looking to me didnt equate with non-beautiful or ugly. At least not until he said I'd be lying to myself by saying i am beautiful everyday. I completely shut down in his class. I did not like him, or feel comfortable around him afterward. My grades suffered because of it. I hated the thought of going to school and from that point on we continued to have confrontations and miscommunications.

I think there is a misunderstanding that just because I make a comment it must mean the same to me that it does to you. If I make a comment about my hair being difficult that doesnt mean that I hate it. My siblings can be difficult and I love them to pieces. If i call myself average looking that doesnt mean i am calling myself ugly. If I say I am a terrible person that doesnt mean I always think I am or that my definition or terrible is the same or holds the same weight as yours.

Maybe let someone have thier self deprecating comment but definitely pay attention and then comment if other red flag behaviors are present. Essentially just because I say something maybe not flattering about myself, doesnt mean that I view it as a problem or something that lowers my value as a human being.

Again not an expert and I am speaking from a limited and personal perspective. Lots of people lots of different circumstances.

Love Yourself (even if sometimes others have to do it for you)

[ohstardust]

Champagne Supernova

REQUEST: from wardley10

Hey ❤ I loved thinking about this prompt for you that was in my head all day :) The reader is a well known H/Wood actress, 10 yrs older than Jack, but is very fun loving and one of the lads. The reader was part of the main cast of Dunkirk & she and Jack got on very well. She has a young daughter that she brought to set and Jack got on well with her. Jack asks her out on a dinner date as he loves her secretly but worried in case people think he is just wanting to be with her as she's famous. XX

A/N: I really love this prompt and I love that it challenged me a little ot write but I wanted to make this so perfect for you. Sorry it took so long for me to get it right! Also, I really fucked up with the tenses in the fic, but I was so in the moment with the writing that it feels wrong to change something into one tense, so let’s pretend that’s cohesive and consistent.

I’ve also started a playlist for my Jack fics, some feature in the fics themselves and some I just wanted in there. You can listen to it on Spotify. Feel free to send me song recommendations too. xo

Title: Champagne Supernova by Oasis

Gaining such a significant part in a World War II movie was one of Y/N’s career-defining moments, she had to pinch herself every time she thought about it. She’d always had such an affliction for history, especially something as pivotal as war, so this was a hard-hitting role that she felt she could really prove her worth and status as being one of Hollywood’s leading actress’. She wasn’t one to be typecast and she never would be.

Y/N wanted to prove that although women hadn’t the opportunity to fight, they still played a defining role in the war through their careers and on land help. The unsung heroes.

Thankfully she’d been blessed with incredible cast-mates and crew who made her feel so at ease on set and she’d made some wonderful friends that she knew she’d take with her beyond this film. No matter how many films she’d made, nothing had quite matched this experience thus far. And it was only slightly due to a warm-hearted, bright smiling gentleman.

If there was one thing that concerned Y/N about joining the team, it was working with so many younger actors and feeling a little left out. Sure there were the older ones such as Cillian, Tom, Mark, Kenneth and James, some of whom she knew, but despite being in her late thirties she was still so much younger in heart and head. As it turns out, she really needn’t have bothered. And what an incredible relief that was. “Harry Styles, you absolute terror, you put me down right now!” she shrieked, banging her fists against the man’s back as he ran down the street with her following a meal that a few of the cast attended. Jack was absolutely weak. Bent over, he began coughing with laughter before thinking better of the reaction when he saw the stormy face on the woman. He quickly straightened up, looked at Barry and Tom for help and followed after them. “Just helping your day along love, thought you’d like a young strapping gentleman to escort you home.” Harry pulled his head back to face her and gave the cheekiest grin. “No offence love, but it wouldn’t be you I’d be asking to escort me.” Harry gasped in mock offence before he laughing, “Why ever not? Is it because I’m not Scottish?” She fell silent for a moment, feeling caught out by her feelings but quickly retorted to avoid the silence lasting even a moment too long, “Fuck off.” He roared his laughter and the vibrations shot through her chest, “Put me down, H.” He softly let her feet land on the ground as Jack, Barry & Tom appeared, thoroughly amused by the spectacle and absolutely not willing to admit that they’d hung back a few moments simply to enjoy the scene. “I don’t think the lady likes being manhandled, Harry,” Tom smirked and slung his arm around her, “I thought you knew exactly how to treat the women.” There was a sparkle in the blonde boy’s eye and he tried to stifle his laughter when Harry glared at him. “You know I’m far from a lady at times, I could still drink you all under the table.”

“Jaaaaaack!” Y/N’s daughter screamed across the set, running towards the blonde man. He turned at the sound of the small voice and his face lit up, eyes shining at the sight. He then crouched down and opened out his arms for her to run into. As soon as she landed against him, he lifted her up and swung her around and then settled her again his hip, “How’s my favourite little lady, today?” She giggled and snuggled her head into his neck, “’m good Jacky.” He rested his head atop of hers and stroked her back before she started to wriggle around to be put back down. “You’ve got an itchy face,” she pouted, rubbing at the side of her face. “Sorry my angel, ‘ll sort it out for next time, just for you.” Just to the side of him, Cillian and the older Tom watched on in amusement, cooing and pulling silly faces at her. The little girl had accompanied her mother to set a few times over the past few months and Jack had adored her instantly, carried her around the set pointing things out to her and kept her occupied off set when he wasn’t involved in a scene. Neither Jack nor Y/N could quite believe how well he had taken to the young girl and vice versa, the sight of them together had melted the older actress and she felt her heart clench. The sight was almost too much to bear. Almost.

“She’s the most incredible kid, y’know? She’s such a credit to you, you’ve done an amazing job.” Jack told her one afternoon, when the little girl had left set. They were sat eating lunch on a break, looking out over Dunkirk beach, the water calming them from the hustle and bustle of the rest of the film location. “Thank you, that really means a lot to me,” The older woman let a small smile pull at her lips and took a sip of her water, “It’s not been easy but she’s wonderful and so worth it.” “You’re such a great role model to her, she’s really lucky to have you.” “I worry sometimes because her dad’s not around, I’m scared that she’s missing that male influence. I know it’s silly, it didn’t affect me extensively, but I still know what it’s like to not have one there and I hate that I can’t give her that.” “That’s not your fault, you know that. It takes two to tango sweetheart. You’ll find someone else who will love that little girl as their own. Besides, until then you have me.” His eyes flitted from his food up to her face and back again, somewhat worried that he’d overstepped. He couldn’t understand how someone would willingly leave a woman like that, beautiful and talented with a wicked sense of humour and the most enormous heart to match. Jack could spend a lifetime complimenting the woman he’d only known a few months. “Now I have you in my life, I have no idea what I’d do with you.” Y/N placed her hand over his and squeezed before pulling away. “You’ll never need to.”

Jack paced the length of the outside of his trailer, worrying his lip between his teeth. “C’mon mate, just ask her, what have you got to lose?” Harry questioned, his back leant against the silver container as he watched his frantic friend. “A good friendship? Her.” Jack mumbled and slowed his movements, then turned to face the curly haired lad alongside Aneurin, “It’s so unlike me, but I’m scared what people’ll think, she’s so successful and they’re gonna think I’m either punching above my weight or after her to further my career. Which is bullshit by the way.” The Welsh man slipped his phone back into his pocket and interjected, “You know she adores you, don’t you? I’m pretty sure asking her out for dinner isn’t going to change that, and it doesn’t matter what other people think, it’s what you and her think. But you have to really think long and hard about the little girl. Don’t get involved with someone if you aren’t willing to take on their child too, she’s already lost her dad, don’t let her get attached if you’re not prepared for that.” The Scotsman nodded, he knew that he’d have to be careful with a child being involved, and the prospect scared the living daylights out of him, but somehow he felt like the whole situation was worth it. Jack adored them both, and they were a package deal, no matter what way you look at it, there were 3 people in this relationship. He was smitten with the child and his feelings for her mum were increasing by the day, every moment they spent together sent him spiralling a little further. And quite frankly, as terrifying as it was, he relished in the feeling of falling in love, completely un-phased by the significant ten-year difference in their ages. “I think it’s safe to say that we’re attached as it is, didn’t even think about that at first. I feel so selfish now.” “Don’t, just be prepared to stick around if you’re serious about this.” Aneurin had always been one of the wisest people Jack knew, although he only had a few years on him, married life had matured the older actor more than he ever anticipated. He knew the real feeling of love, wanting a family and how life-changing finding that partner is. Jack ran his fingers through his hair, “This is bloody crazy, isn’t it? I’ve only known her a few months.” “When you know, you know,” Aneurin replied and Harry just stood there, the words pouring through him as he began to envy his friends.

Y/N had finished her scenes for the day, and although she was free to leave when she pleased, she hung around to watch some of her friends, so fascinated by the difference between the actors and their actual acting. It wasn’t too long before Jack had spotted her, the end of his latest scene complete for the time being, and he made his way over to her. She couldn’t resist taking in the sight of him in his RAF uniform, the way it fit him perfectly, the way the jacket clung to his arms and how absolutely incredible he looked. No matter how many times she had seen him in the attire, it still managed to make her breath hitch. “How are ye’ doin’ love?” Jack threw his arms around her and pulled the woman close in a soft embrace. “I’m good, finished for the day, just debating what to do this evening.” Without thinking, Jack opened his mouth and asked the question he’d been trying to hold back since the conversation with the lads last week. “Ye could always join me for dinner?” As soon as the words left his mouth, he paled and looked ready to slap his hand over his mouth in the most comical way. There was no way he could take that back now, not that he particularly wanted to, but fuck was he worried that he’d royally botched this. Feeling as incredibly bold as Jack, Y/N thought fast and teasingly replied, “Well that depends then doesn’t it, are we going as friends or am I your date?” “Well that depends on what you want, doesn’t it?” He was starting to feel brave, the flirting had become second nature to the pair, this he was comfortable with. This he could do. “Be at mine for 8 then and we’ll go on our date.” When the time comes, I’m gonna die a happy man, Jack mused to himself, You lucky son of a gun.

The setting was quaint, cosy and a single candle sat between them as they devoured their meals in content. Soft music set the atmosphere and filled the space where the conversation lulled, leaving them in a comfortable silence that seemed almost impossible with anyone else. The pair couldn’t keep from watching the other, entranced by the way the awkwardness had vanished within the first five minutes of stepping into the restaurant and how this felt so right, being here together on the cusp of something beyond their friendship. “I know I told you this about an hour ago, but you look beautiful.” Y/N blushed furiously, feeling sickeningly giddy over the man’s compliments. Despite how common Jack had made such comments, in this setting and under these circumstances, she felt this was more deliberate and meaningful than they ever had been before. “You’re such a smooth talker, but thank you. I really mean that. You look so handsome.” She reached her hand across the table to hold his, the flame illuminating his soft features and his freshly shaved skin that she just wanted to caress and kiss. She felt unashamed to think these things now, but she hoped beyond all reason that it was okay to feel these things, that this evening gave her the right to think such a way. He brought her hand up to his face and kissed her palm before resting their intertwined hands onto the table. “Is it too honest to say that I can’t quite believe we’re here, on an actual dinner date?” He looked slightly nervous as he spoke, still somewhat scared that he himself had read the situation too wrong, not that there had been much reason to doubt at this point, but still gentleman enough to know that he could be misreading this. “Absolutely not, I feel the same way.” Jack felt himself exhale sharply and grinned at the confused look on Y/N’s face. “It’s silly really, I’m just nervous that I was still getting the wrong end of the stick with this evening, but it seems not.” “Jack, I want to be here with you, no matter how romantic it is or isn’t. There’s no other way I wanted to spend this evening, or any other evening for that matter,” her heart had been placed onto her sleeve and her vulnerability had been put out there for the man to do with as he pleased, she had enough faith in him to be honest with his feelings, “I think we need to go somewhere, have a drink, a dance and see where this takes us, yeah?” His eyes lit up and he gave her the warmest smile she’d ever seen from him, and in that single moment she knew she was absolutely gone for him. Thirty minutes later they found themselves in a small dive bar, somewhere that Y/N had insisted on, with a drink in hand and starting to lose themselves in the music amongst the evening’s patrons. The songs had been a diverse mix so far and the pair were in fits of giggles by the time the opening bars of Talking Heads’ Psycho Killer had begun to play. Jack looked at her blankly for a few moments as she began to sing to him, “Babe, am I showing my age here?” He grinned at her and shook his head with a look of pure adoration before he began to recognise the chorus and joined in. She grasped his face in her hands and continued to sing to him as they danced along. He couldn’t contain his laughter until the song had long finished and Y/N had left him to grab them another drink. As soon as she returned Justin Timberlake’s Senorita had started to ring out through the speakers and she threw her head back with joy, singing along to every word as did Jack. She turned her back on the younger man and slotted herself against him as they moved to the music, the heat around them increasing and the tension intensifying, neither of them had ever felt so alive. Without thinking twice, Jack began to kiss the side of her neck, where her shoulder joined, and wrapped an arm around her waist to pull her even closer to him. She felt surrounded by him in the best way, their bodies moving together in unison, the most intimate moment they’d ever shared together. Together. Her mouth smiled over the words, and head tilted back to rest against his chest whilst his mouth began working over her skin. She didn’t care about prying eyes, all she cared about was this extraordinary man and the overwhelming way he made her feel. Y/N pulled away from him to turn and stepped close to him again only to press her lips against his. They were both long past the nervousness and anxiety of their first kiss together, too hyped up on adrenaline, liquid courage and each other. It was the sound of The Smiths that had Y/N pulling away, her eyes crinkled with laughter as she looked to Jack’s crystal blue’s. He tried hard to fight the smile, trying to act moody that she’d stopped licking her way around his mouth only to tease him over the DJ’s song choice and his bloody acting choice, but she was so endearing that his minor resolve cracked almost instantly. I would go out tonight But I haven't got a stitch to wear This man said "it's gruesome That someone so handsome should care" Jack & Y/N held both of each other’s hands and stepped to the beat, hips shaking from side to side as they moved around their small area of the dancefloor. After a few moments, he took one hand away and began to spin her away before pulling her back in and held her to his front, continuing to move with the beat for the remainder of the song. Both actors started to regain their breath and headed to the bar for a glass of water, both too busy trying to keep their wits about them and not royally fuck this up by drinking too much. As Champagne Supernova started, neither of them knew that this would be a defining song. Their song. Y/N had her arms loosely looped around Jack’s neck as his hands rested on her lower back, them swaying with the sounds of Liam Gallagher’s voice. But you and I will never die  The world's still spinning around we don't know why This time Jack took the leap and kissed the woman before him, taking in every little bit of her. Her taste, her scent, her love. He couldn’t even think straight, he just wanted whatever she was willing to give him. The kiss was messy, all teeth, tongues, saliva mixed in together, all urgent and needy, much more passion-filled than the slow kiss they had shared a little earlier. She began to draw out letters on his back, not wanting to remove herself from him, the message all but lost on him as he was already so consumed by her. Curiously he pulled away momentarily, “What did you write?” “Are you sure you wanna know? I can’t take it back if I tell you.” Her nerves were creeping in, so scared that he’d run for the hills if she were this honest with him, so sure he’d leave. But she was so into the moment that she felt secure. He pressed small kiss to her face, “tell me, darlin’.” Y/N tilted her head upwards and locked her gaze onto his, “I love you.” The smile he formed was almost instant, almost unsure he’d heard wrong before he all but knocked the breath out of her in a bruising kiss, “I love you too, bloody hell do I.” “You have to know that this isn’t easy though, this is going to be so difficult, and I have a child.” “I know, I’ve thought long and hard about it for the past few weeks, and I don’t care that it won’t be easy, I want it all. I want you.” Both of them felt a strong surge of emotions, their tears began to fall as they grinned at each other, taking in the life-changing moment, the moment that was completely unplanned but formed in the most perfect and natural way. “I want you too, for as long as you’ll have me.” There was a bumpy road ahead of them beyond the film, no one could deny or prevent it, no one could stop the press from printing whatever slander they wanted, the division of their fans who resented their relationship. But they knew that they wanted this relationship enough to stand up to this and fight through it, and one day these people will grow tired of their negativity and Jack & Y/N will come out the other side with the strongest family they could manage.

[raychulemma]

50 Completely Random Questions People Rarely Ask Tag:

1. What’s your favorite candle scent? Red Apple Wreath - Yankee Candle. It's perfectly Autumnal and always goes on half price sale after Christmas. I have far too many versions of it

2. What female celebrity do you wish you were related to? Probably Maya Rudolph because she's a shameless weirdo like me

3. What male celebrity do you wish was your brother? Probably Peter Kay. I feel like he would be easy to open up to. And he would make awkward family events so much more bearable

4. What’s your favorite thing about marriage? (And if you’re not married, what’s your favorite thing about being single?) Security. Safety. I didn't expect it to feel any different because we had been living together for a while but something about the actual marriage made me feel protected and comfortable. Also because its a same-sex marriage it's a lot nicer to say my wife than my fiancée, because i would wonder if they assume my fiancée is male

5. What’s one thing you own that you should probably get rid of, but just can’t? Books that I'm not going to re-read but have memories linked to buying/receiving/reading them.

6. Can you do a split? not a chance

7. How old were you when you learned how to ride a bike? Seven. i learnt at the end of my road because it's a dead end. and i got a green bike for my birthday with a seat for my teddy

8. How many oceans have you swam in? just the Atlantic ocean 🌊

9. How many countries have you been to? 6. France, Spain, Germany, USA (Florida), Wales, Scotland.

10. Is anyone in your family in the army? No, my Grandad was, and some of my Great Uncles but no one during my lifetime

11. What was your favorite TV show when you were a child? Superted, Adventures of Winnie the Pooh, The Story of Tracy Beaker, Dick n Dom in da Bungalow, Jungle Run

12. What did you dress up as on Halloween when you were eight? A classy binbag witch

13. Have you read any of the Harry Potter, Hunger Games or Twilight series? I got into the Harry Potter books in 1998 and am still in love with the series. I went to the midnight release for the last book. I watched all of the films in the opening week and vividly remember that the cinema i saw the first film at in 2001 had a Harry Potter themed sweet shop. I have jewellery, clothing, books, dvds, wands, other collectibles. I read the books with my mum when i was younger and watched all of the films in the cinema with her. she had her own HP merch. My wife also loves Harry Potter. We have been to see Cursed Child twice and have been to the Studio Tour 3 (or 4?) times. We had a Harry Potter themed wedding which was absolutely perfect. Hunger Games was something i avoided reading until the first film was coming out, and then absolutely loved the first 2 books (3rd one got too political for me) and the films are still some of my favourites for costume and set design. I read the twilight books after my best friend recommended them to me. We all actually read them as part of our sisterhood club. I went to blackpool to watch the first film in the cinema with my best friend. I watched the last one at midnight with my wife and one of the girls from the sisterhood who is one of the biggest twilight fans i know still. she has behind the scenes books and dvds and has re read the books that much that the spines are just gone. my mum was also a big twilight fan and would watch them any time they were on tv. i watched a few at the cinema with her, always her choice. she hadnt seen hunger games at the time of them being released but we did watch them all with her a few years ago

14. Would you rather have an American accent or a British accent? i film YouTube videos and always think my accent would be more interesting if it was American

15. Have you ever taken karate lessons? no, my 2 brothers and sister did when i was 5 or 6. i didnt like being touched so never did it

16. Do you know who Kermit the frog is? yup

17. What’s the first amusement park you’ve been to? im going to guess Gullivers world Warrington because its the closest one to where i live

18. What language, besides your native language, would you like to be fluent in? French because I love disneyland paris. or japanese because i would love to visit tokyo but its way out of my comfort zone

19. Do you spell the color as grey or gray? grey. e for england, a for america

20. Do you know triplets? yes, 2 girls and a boy but i only met the girls

21. Do you prefer Titanic or The Notebook? Titanic. my mum was a massive fan. She watched it 3 times in the cinema when it first came out. we watched it with her when it was released in imax on an anniversary. she had behind the scenes books, a few versions of the vhs and dvds, playing cards. her love for it made me love it

22. Have you ever had Indian food? no im a very fussy eater and have never tried indian or Chinese

23. What’s the name of your favorite restaurant? Of all time? Tough choice but im going with pizza hut. Cheesy bites base with double mushroom. Never craved something more

24. Have you ever been to Olive Garden? they dont have it in England so no but i would probably like it

25. What would your parents have named you if you were the opposite gender? i have no idea, maybe jason after my dad?

26. If you have a nickname, what is it? rach, chicken, chickadee

27. Who’s your favorite person in the world? i want to say scruff but shes technically not a person. kirsty is my best friend and i would pick her every time

28. Would you rather live in a rural area or in the suburbs? where i live is in between. drive one way and its city, the other way is farms. so living in one ot those farmhouses not far from city life would be the dream. i would have chickens, sheep and cats.

29. Can you whistle? yep but my cats hate the noise

30. Do you sleep with a nightlight? i can see the hallway light from where our bed is so i dont generally need a nightlight but we do have cute ones. i have 3 HP ones on my bedside table

31. Do you eat breakfast every morning? yea as long as i have time

32. How many times have you been to the hospital? ive only ever been to a&e. once for palpitations, a few times for mental health and once for an x ray on my hand. ive been to walk in centres for urine/kidney infections and for fractured fingers. oh i did go to hospital to see a neurologist to be diagnosed with essential tremor

33. Have you ever seen Finding Nemo? yes i love it. my brother and sister both bought me the dvd for christmas the year it came out so i had 2 copies for a while. i also had the game for pc and ps2. and i had a game on my phone and ipad where you could build up the seabed and gain fish. the film is just so nice and calming to watch. the scenery, the sound effects, the movements are all just gently flowing. and somehow you get attached to these characters and root for them whether youre a fan of tropical fish or not.

34. Where do you buy your jeans? primark, next, sainsburys, asda

35. What’s the last compliment you got? kirsty said my eyelashes look like im wearing mascara when im not

36. Do you usually remember your dreams in the morning? yea and they're weird as fuck. the latest one was about the bath being clogged with poo

37. Favorite beverage that isn’t water? Tea ☕

38. How many pairs of shoes do you currently own? a disgusting amount. maybe 20. maybe more

39. How old were you when you found out that Santa wasn’t real? about 8 which I think wasnt too young or too old. my brother told me which I was glad about because i was prone to being bullied at school and would have hated to be told by nasty kids

40. What is one food that you used to hate but now you love? cheesy garlic bread WTF

41. What is a weird lie you’ve told? i told kirsty once that i had pood the bed and asked her to help me clean it.

42. Heels or flats? flats always. specifically trainers. i think dresses look so much cuter with trainers. same with suits

43. Do you have any weird phobias? no just common ones. moths, spiders, flying insects, beetles, heights, being completely isolated, finding a dead person

44. What is a phrase or word you always say? i cant actually think of a current phrase i say but i do get stuck on phrases

45. What is a song that you bast or belt out when you are alone? part of your world, let it go, bridge over troubled water, over the rainbow. any that i try to actually hit the notes on

46. What is one of your biggest pet peeves? nails. nails tapping, and the sound of cutting or biting nails. or people that stop in the middle of an aisle or walkway when you're trying to get past

47. Do you sleep with your closet door open or closed? they dont even have doors on yet so open

48. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of bees? bear. the noise of bees terrifies me. i had a flying ant in my hair on flying ant day but i didnt know. i heard it buzz and cried

49. Do you have any weird things you do? i cant have 2 cream biscuits together (custard cream and jam n cream). i sometimes say hi to my teddies so they know i havent forgot about them. i buy hatchimals when theyre on sale even though i havent previously collected them cos im an impulsive pos. (honestly collecting animal jam figures and my little ponies were the best though)

50. What movie could you watch over and over again and still love? any of the harry potter films, titanic, sisterhood of the travelling pants, Princess diaries 1 and 2, enchanted, princess and the frog, raise your voice, catch me if you can, chalet girl, the shining, slumdog millionaire

[ruffsficstuffplace]

Reunions (Part 18): Four To Win The War (1 of 3)

7:30PM, roughly an hour-and-a-half after Mal’s now infamous comment.

Kalila strode into a bar/lounge, a trendy, modern, niche establishment where the décor was mostly carefully cultivated flora from all around the states; the furniture was made out of wicker, bamboo, and driftwood; and many of the clients were smoking liquid concoctions with the help of handheld hookahs.

She turned heads as she strode on by in her sandals, breaking some out of passionate debates about choices of literature, films, music, and other forms of entertainment; getting a number appreciative looks, whistles, and compliments; and more than a handful of people taking pictures of her and asking their companions and social media about who she was, and where in the world did she get what she was wearing.

No one made a move to intercept her and speak with her, however, for underneath the expertly applied make-up that concealed the dark rings and the decades’ worth of wrinkles, the silky clothes flowing around her shapely body like mist, and the jewelry that kept her brown-gold hair in an elegant side-plait, they could sense the aura of a woman who had a very, very, very bad day.

If Raven noticed, she didn’t let it show. “Hey, Kali!” she said, waving as Kalila reached her table. “Do you mind if I call you Kali?”

“No, it’s actually quite nice,” Kalila said as she stepped into the chair opposite her. “Quite the step-up from ‘Whore of the Demon Scourge,’ that’s for sure.”

Raven raised an eyebrow. “Huh. Already feeling the effects of being roomed with Dog, huh?”

Kalila squeezed her eyes shut and groaned. “Yes, and please don’t say his name—nickname, pseudonym, whatever—again...”

Raven nodded. “Do you want to talk about it...?” she asked, reaching out and touching Kalila on her shoulder.

Kalila looked Raven dead in her eyes. “Raven, I understand you’re being polite, but believe me, you do not want my day was like,” she said in a calm, even tone.

Raven hummed. “And you assume I wasn’t being serious, too.” She smiled. “I’m your friend, Kali! Or I’d like to be considered as one by you, and friends let friends vent to them when they need it!”

Kalila debated for a moment, before she sighed. “Okay, what the hell: I’ll bite. On the condition that you don’t get to back out once I start.”

“Good thing I didn’t intend to stop listening until you let it all out!” Raven said, before she sat up and looked interested.

Kalila nodded, before she took a deep breath, and collected her thoughts. “It all started at 4AM, when some asshole burst through our window with a knife to try and cut up Dog, and didn’t realize all that glass would cut HIM up, too...” she started.

She went on to tell of the handful of other intrusions from would-be assassins, recruiters, and reporters for the rest of the early morning, to the point where she, Gareth, and Ted had went on to install a security system to safeguard their things and their room from new break-ins, before the latter two had to leave for their jobs in New Hope.

“Do you know what it’s like to be so out of fucks to give, that when someone breaks into your room and nearly gets his fingers sliced off by a trap made of fishing line, a reel, and a vacuum motor, you actually get bandages to keep him from bleeding all over your stuff, before you tell him which bunk is Dog’s so he can skip the overturning everyone else’s stuff?

“I do. It is not a pleasant state of being, I swear.”

She went on to her attempt to get breakfast, finding out that the other Islanders had put every single conceivable warning on their door, from painting the blood of animals around the frame, carving in symbols for “Danger,” “Doom,” and “Cursed Ground” on the door itself, and hanging a “Beware of Dog” sign that had the silhouette of the animal hastily repainted to resemble the man.

“It used to be I couldn’t walk into a common area without being mobbed by men and women, all wanting me or wanting to be near me, if they weren’t staring at the sidelines jealous or admiring from a distance.

“Now, they can’t get away from me fast enough.

“There’s always a line at the cafeteria, whenever a food truck comes in and we have more than just the usual oats, orange juice, terrible tea, and even worse coffee. People will fight for their place in line, or for someone else’s just for a chance of almost-about-to-expire corned beef hash.

“But not today. I had my pick of whatever was on offer, even if I needed to hop across the counter, and get it myself, because no wanted to serve me.”

She regaled Raven about going back up to her room, finding a new would-be intruder writhing in pain in the hall, foiled by the shock trap Ted installed in the doorknob. She stepped over him, and attempted to sleep the rest of the day away in the hopes that she might wake-up, and all of this would be a nightmare.

“Then, I woke up, saw your text asking me to meet up here, because apparently something big has happened to him that you think we can use to our advantage, and realized this was a nightmare, just one I won’t be waking up from, ever.”

Kalila took a deep breath, and sighed heavily. “So, with all that out of the way... what did you have in mind...?” she finished.

“That can wait for later,” Raven said, waving her off. “Do you need a hug...?”

“What I need are several alcoholic drinks,  or better yet, a time machine or spell, whatever will let me seduce the admin into giving me any room but 404,” Kalila said. She looked around. “This place is part bar, right?”

“Non-alcoholic, sorry, but the menu’s still really good!” Raven said.

Kalila sighed. “Then I’m sorry to say that it looks like you can’t help lift my mood... shall we get to business?”

Raven sighed and nodded. “Alright… so, just making sure here: you did read the news about what Mal just said about her dad, right?”

“No, I’ve been trying to avoid anything involving him,” Kalila replied. “What happened?”

Raven pulled out her phone, and loaded up the video. Kalila watched, smiling as it ended. “Well, if that isn’t the best news I’ve heard all day! So he’s going back to the Isle, right?”

“Kali!” Raven cried. “How could you say that about him?”

“Well, there is the fact that he’s been directly responsible for turning my new life here in Auradon into a living hell, just like he did back during the Great Isle War!” Kalila chirped.

“… Okay, yeah, you’ve got a point there! But look at it this way: as unfortunate it is that this happened, this is a huge opportunity for the company to branch into the Islander market, AND launch your career, AND do some good, all at the same time!” Raven said excitedly.

Kalila stared at her, before she groaned. “Raven, please don’t tell me you’re going where I think you’re going with this…”

“If you think I’m going with ‘Make you-know-who your male counterpart for our fashion lines, help convince Auradon that he’s reformed, and play a key role in helping him get back with his daughter,’ then no, I won’t tell you that,” Raven said.

“Are you shitting me right now?!” Kalila snapped. “You know his reputation, don’t you?”

Raven threw out her arms. “Who doesn’t?! But look: the fact of the matter is, he’s the hottest, most searched, and most attention-grabbing personality in Auradon right now, and is going to be for a long time yet! Wherever he goes, whatever he does, so long as it has his name on it, or he’s even remotely connected to the events, people are going to read it, and they’re probably going to want to check out who was with him, and who he’s associated with.”

Kalila crossed her arms. “You realize that there’s a stark difference between the benefits of being famous vs infamous, right…?”

Raven nodded. “I know. Which frankly makes this opportunity even better. The entire ‘Villain Kid’ Rescue Program and the Islander Rescue and Rehabilitation Initiative are more than just long-overdue justice—it’s the biggest redemption story ever told here in Auradon, and believe me, us Auradonians love ourselves our redemption stories!

“I don’t know about you, but the public will absolutely eat up and follow every single minute of a story about one of the most infamous and feared Islanders turning his back on his dark past, fighting the demons of his past to reconnect with his estranged daughter, and find a new, better life here in Auradon…

“… All with the help of his fellow reformed Islanders—like you—and his new native friends, like me!” Raven finished, beaming.

Kalila sighed. “Raven, I hate to break it to you, but men don’t change. Ever. I wouldn’t have gotten here—or even survived this long—if I didn’t accept that cold hard reality.

“I get it: you were raised on a diet of stories where love conquers all, good people triumph over wicked folks, and even the most terrible and corrupted souls can change for the better when you show them enough kindness, but me?

“My whole life was a constant lesson that love just isn’t enough, wicked folks fuck over good people with impunity on a daily basis, and putting faith, love, and effort in someone in the hopes that they will magically change for the better just ends in tears, and whole lot of wasted time.

“Sometimes worse.”

Raven’s bright and chipper aura dimmed. “Okay. Fine. You’ve got me on that. But still, it won’t hurt to give him a chance, will it?”

“Yes,” Kalila said flatly. “And just so you know, if I end up getting horribly murdered because you tempted fate like that, I’m haunting you and your family for all of eternity.”

“And if I promise I won’t try to have your restless spirit exorcised, or move somewhere where you won’t be able to haunt me or my descendants…?” Raven replied.

Kalila shot her a look, sighed, and shook her head.

Raven reached out and touched her arm. “Come on, Kali: what have you got to lose if you try to help him out?”

“My son, who I’ve been longing to have back in my arms for 15 years!” Kalila snapped.

“And what will it take to stay with your son?”

Kalila sighed, her shoulders drooping. “Prove I’m ‘dedicated to being a Good, productive, law-abiding citizen of Auradon...’”

“And how are you planning on being gainfully employed right now…?”

“Be a model for your brand,” Kalila replied.

“And why did I recruit you?”

“Because I’m sexy, charismatic, and your in to the Villain market...”

“And can we sell to the Villain market if they see you as a pariah and, I quote, ‘Whore of the Demon Scourge’?”

Kalila scowled. “No.”

“And how big is the bill you racked up which my company considered your advance, and an investment on their part that they want back eventually...?”

Kalila threw her hands up. “OKAY! FINE! I GET IT! I’ll give him a call, and tell him you want to offer him a job. And just that. Happy?”

Raven beamed. “Yes.”

Kalila got up out of her seat, and went to a quiet corner of the bar, where the concoctions they were smoking weren’t particularly offensive to her nose, and called Dog.

Somewhere in Ursula’s Strait, Dog stopped rowing, surprised that he still got reception this far out. “Hello?” he said.

“H..lo, Dog r..ht?” Kalila said, her voice faint and filled with static. “S.it, whe.. a.. you? Re..tion’s terri..e!”

Dog looked around, saw the silhouette of a cell tower off in the distance. “Give me a minute!” he said, before he put his phone down, and started rowing to it. It was going to increase his chances of getting caught by the border patrol, but he had a feeling this was worth the risk.

He looked at his phone, saw the bar go up one, and stopped. “How’s that?” he asked after he pulled the oars back up.

“Still shit, but it’ll work,” Kalila said, audible if he strained to hear, with a few minor losses here and there. “Look, Dog, my friend Raven Hood she says got a business proposal for you, some crazy plan to try and keep you here in Auradon, and get you into your daughter’s good graces.

“If you say yes, I’ll send her your number, and you two can hash out the details.”

Dog blinked. “Sounds good! Too good, actually! What’s the catch?”

“You and me will find out, but trust me: Raven may the daughter of an outlaw but she’s about as kindhearted, generous, and selfless as most Auradonians think they are. So, are you taking it or not?”

“Just one more question: why are you calling me, after the whole ‘leave and never come back’ speech?”

“Business,” Kalila said flatly. “Raven thinks we can use your infamy for profit, hers, yours, and mine. And before you ask, our partnership is going to be strictly professional, you’re still banned from 404, and I’m not magically going to become fine with you, alright?

Dog smiled. “Fine with me; this isn’t exactly the first time a woman’s selfishly used me for personal profit...”

Kalila groaned. “Don’t remind me. Goodbye.”

“Wait! Kalila!”

“What...?” she snapped.

“Thank you.”

“… Don’t thank me yet, Dog, not until you’ve held up your end of the bargain.”

Beep.

Dog looked at his phone, then at the Isle on one side of him, then at Auradon on the other. He put it back in his coat pocket, sat down, and thought.

Kalila was just one other person willing to give him a chance besides Ben, and even then, it was clear that she was giving him the barest minimum of goodwill she could muster. Mal still hated him, Auradon feared him, and his fellow Islanders on both sides of Auradon Bay either gave him a wide berth, or wanted to get close enough to stab him to death. There was no guarantee that whatever plan Raven had in mind would help him past basic survival in the long-run, if it didn’t end up backfiring on them entirely…

… But you know what? He was going to take it anyway.

“Fear the man who has nothing left to lose, for there is nothing holding him back,” Dog thought to himself as he rowed back to Auradon.

[intellectualth0t]

something I probably haven’t talked about too often

I must have been around 7 or 8 years old when people, adults in particular, started pointing out my voice a lot.

Most of what I got was along the lines of “Wow, you have a very mature-sounding voice for your age!”

The way they’d tell me this was spoken with a positive tone, as if I had just accomplished something worthy of a gold sticker. That, along with uplifting terms like “mature” and “for your age” made young-me feel as if I had surpassed what most people expected out of seven-year olds. I had begun to perceive compliments on the sound of my voice as compliments on me as a person. They think I sound mature, so they must think I AM mature. Wow, I must act very grown up for my age!

A few years later; I was still in elementary school, and I was at a Girl Scouts’ function involving multiple troops. There were many other girls my age involved in the same activity as me, so I figured socializing would be easy. I was sitting at a round table alongside a good handful of other Girl Scouts whom I didn’t know, making necklaces out of colored plastic beads and string. I introduced myself to this curly-haired girl sitting next to me and she introduced herself back as Nicole. I asked her about her troop and service activities she’s done and she responded blandly, so I assumed she was maybe just shy. That didn’t stop me from continuing to attempt to make a friend. I blabbered on and on about going camping and riding horses and science projects before she interrupted me with: “You know, you have a deep voice for a girl.”

I sat silent for a moment. I wasn’t necessarily offended by her remark, as that was something I’d been told quite a few times at that age, but I was shocked by the abruptness of what she said. After all, our conversation topic wasn’t anything closely related to my voice.

“Yeah….” I nodded. “People tell me that a lot.”

Fast forward approximately two years later. I’m now in sixth grade, and I’ve had the worst trouble adjusting to middle school- getting used to racing around a two-story building to get from one class to another in less than five minutes, excessively tyrant teachers, attempting to become friends with anyone and everyone without making a fool of myself- I think you get it. Nothing about the first month of middle school was easy.

I’m in reading class. We’re assigned a group project- I think there were five of us. I have an idea on what we should do for this project, and I say my idea out loud. A few words into my sentence, this boy in my group interrupts me with “I never realized how deep your voice is”. Okay. I brush it off, continuing to propose my idea until I’m cut off again, by another boy. “Dude you really do have a deep voice for a girl!” he laughs.

Their comments aren’t related to this project; They’re dumb, just ignore them.

Before I realize it, I can’t even finish sharing my idea with the group because our project has turned into a thorough conversation about how deep my voice is and how it’s so weird that I “don’t sound like a girl”.

Within a matter of days, I became known to 2nd period reading class as man-voice Mariah, or just Man-voice for short. Where I had tried to be open and outgoing and talk to anyone every chance I had, I now avoided speaking at all costs in order to prevent “Man-voice! Man-voice!” from being shouted across the room. The class is assigned to read Maniac Magee; twenty-something hard copy novels laying open on desks occupied by twelve year olds. Of these twenty-something of us, I am chosed by my teacher to read a page out loud. Before I can even draw a breath to speak, a kid a few seats behind me mutters “Oh my god, why did she pick man-voice to read?!” I didn’t ignore the nasty comments, however I disregarded them as I had already been doing for weeks. I disregarded them as I continued reading out loud. I disregarded them as they only boomeranged back.

*fake cough*MANVOICE*fake cough*A fraction of the class erupts in laughter as my teacher erupts in frustration, attempting to shut the kids up. I however, sit helpless. What was I supposed to do in a situation like that anyways?

I’m now 15 years old. Freshman year just ended. It’s summer, and in the downtime I’ve had since coming back from vacation with my family, I spend a majority of my day laying in my bed with my phone in hand, bouncing between social media accounts. Long story short, I met a boy through Instagram. We started texting. He absolutely flattered me, and I was convinced that I flattered him as well. We texted every day. I’d tell him stories about my friends, or family, or how much I loved dance. He’d always tell me how much he admired me and how I was soooo pretty and I was a really fun person to talk to. In all honestly, he wasn’t a very interesting guy. But I was 15 and naïve, and I took any form of attention that came my way.

After about two weeks of the “talking stage”, he asked me out on a date (via text, of course). I was thrilled, but also anxious because I knew I had to find a way around my strict parents. Him and I went as far as devising a plan for me to lie to my parents and sneak out so I could see him (for the first time actually. This guy and I only met over social media, we didn’t go to the same school but he lived nearby). I called his number the night before to verify our plans.

“Um… Mariah? Is this actually you?” He answered after he picked up and I began speaking.

I was just as confused as he sounded. It was obviously my number, so I’m not sure why he questioned it. “Yeah? Who else would it be?” I laughed.

“What the…. You sound… Weird.”

Before I knew it, I was no longer on a call with him. I called him back, no answer. I texted him instead.

“So? What exactly was all that about? Why’d you hang up?”

“You sound like a dude when you talk”

“What?”

“That’s disgusting. I’m not gonna date a girl who sounds like a dude.”

Shock, confusion, followed by no more replies from this guy.

I was literally dumped because a guy didn’t like the way my voice sounded.

Petty, I know, but it was enough to completely wreck me. After all, I was in love with this guy and he was in love with me.

I had confidence in this guy. He’d always tell me what a great person I was. I looked forward to talking ot him every day. I looked forward to a relationship with this guy because after all, I convinced myself he was worth it. But was he really worth it if he belittled me over something I had already been insecure about for years?

(Answer: No, he was not)

 You hear “biggest insecurity” and you think of a physical attribute

My eyes are too close together. I’m too tall and lanky. My nose is big. My teeth are crooked and I don’t like to smile.

Is a voice a physical attribute? Well, you can’t see a voice (unless you have Synesthesia, of course). But it’s definitely something you can hear, and without a doubt something you have to use on a day to day basis. How else are you supposed to express yourself and communicate efficiently?

It’s definitely been years since any of the following incidents have occurred, yet my voice is still my biggest insecurity. I hate talking. I hate the sound of my voice. I live in constant fear of people being annoyed and irritated by its “unfeminine” pitch and awkward tone.

Against all odds, I have received a fair share of compliments on my voice. I’ve been told that it’s “different” and that I “sound really cool”. Flattering, it really is, but I don’t think I’ll bring myself to fully believe any praise I receive on something I’ve been harassed for in the past (and on some occasions, still in the present).

Anyone who has an insecurity knows this feeling: someone compliments you on something, completely oblivious to the fact that it’s something you hate about yourself. And you refuse to believe them. You think its sarcasm. You think it’s a joke. You think they’re lying.

Like I said, I’m not sure I’ll ever believe that the compliments people give me about my voice are genuine. I’m not sure I’ll ever believe that I have a beautiful, fun-to-listen-to voice. I’m not sure if I’ll ever learn to love my voice, but it’s something I’m sure I’m doing a great job of accepting for now.

-mariah

[crazyblondelife]

Living With An Eating Disorder

This post has been on my mind for quite some time but I've just now gotten the courage to write it.  Saying you have or have had an eating disorder is like a dirty little secret that you don't want anyone to know.  Eating disorders are a huge problem in our society and the more we talk about this problem, hopefully the easier it will become for people to recognize that they need help.

Eating disorders run they run the gamut from anorexia to compulsive overeating.  What is going on and why is it getting worse?   Here is my story and some statistics that might surprise you.

At least 30 million people of all ages and genders suffer from an eating disorder in the U.S.

Every 62 minutes at least one person dies as a direct result from an eating disorder.

Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness - 13% of women over 50 engage in eating disorder behaviors.

In a large national study of college students, 3.5% of sexual minority women and 2.1% of sexual minority men reported having an eating disorder.

16% of transgender college students reported having an eating disorder.

In a study following active duty military personnel over time, 5.5% of women and 4% of men had an eating disorder at the beginning of the study, and within just a few years of continued service, 3.3% more women and 2.6% more men developed an eating disorder.

Eating disorders affect all races and ethnic groups.

Genetics, environmental factors, and personality traits all combine to create risk for an eating disorder.

I think an eating disorder is much like any other addictive behavior...once you have it, it never goes away, you just learn to control it, or not.  I decided to share my story because obviously I'm not the only one who has struggled with this issue.

1963 was the year I was born...in May.  I had a pretty normal upbringing for that time period.  My mom stayed at home and my dad went to work everyday.  He wasn't especially involved in raising my sister and me but he was always there.  As I got older, and hit puberty, (I think it's the case with a lot of girls), things definitely changed for me, including my relationship with my dad (dads are so important).  In today's society, we are much more open about our bodies and the changes that go on, but that wasn't the case in 1974.  Everything changed for me...my skin broke out, my hair got curlier and out of control, but one thing remained the same, I was always thin and I could always eat whatever I wanted to eat.  I had a pretty rough adolescence to say the least (that's a whole other blog post), and I ended up getting married at the ripe old age of 19, I can only speculate about why, but I knew I was making a mistake when I walked down the aisle.  Being married at such a young age was so much more difficult than I ever thought it would be, but I tried to make the best of it (also another blog post).  I was alone most of the time and worked at a full time job that I hated.  I also started to gain weight for the first time in my life and I felt so badly about my life in general.  I remember one day, I was putting gas into my car and I saw a cute girl walk by who was so thin and I decided then and there to lose the extra weight (15 lbs.) that I had gained.  I probably weighed about 130 pounds at the time and wasn't particularly overweight, but weighed more than I wanted to.  Disclaimer here:  this is MY story, and this is the way I felt.  It wasn't about the weight, it's was how I felt about myself.  I started to severely limit my calories and counted every single bite that I put into my mouth.  I was so obsessed that I even counted a single jelly bean. In the beginning, It felt good and I got so many compliments.  The compliments gave me momentum and I continued to limit my calorie intake and eventually lost about 40 pounds and weighed a whopping 89 pounds.  My parents were horrified but had no idea how to help me.  My anorexic state was hard to maintain, just by not eating, because I was craving whatever it was that food meant to me (love, comfort?), so I became bulimic and would eat huge amounts of food and then throw up.  That was the very lowest point in my life.  I felt so badly about myself and was so embarrassed, but seemed to have no control over my behavior. 

During this whole period of my life, I only saw a therapist once or twice and honestly have never seen a therapist about this specific issue since then.  I believe all of our issues are caused by not loving ourselves.  Long story short, I found out I was pregnant when I was 22 and my crazy eating habits stopped...for a while.  I didn't want to hurt my baby and this was very happy news for me.  I gained 60 pounds during my pregnancy and delivered a very healthy baby girl.  After she was born, the eating disorder came back...I think because I was so unhappy in my marriage and with my life in general and didn't know what to do.  Honestly, growing up, I was never told that I had the capacity to create my own reality (even though I was doing it by default).  My life was happening to me and I was miserable. 

What I didn't know at the time was that my wildest dreams were important and not impossible and I had a message and something important to share. 

My marriage ended when my daughter was 3 and I felt worse about myself than ever.  I was bulimic off and on until about 10 years ago.  It was never as bad as it was in the beginning, but my guilt over eating what I considered "to much" was sometimes more than I could handle.  Again, ot wasn't about the weight.  I know there are those that will read this and not understand how I could be so crazy when I wasn't overweight, but it was (and sometimes still is) a mind game I played with myself.  It isn't normal behavior which is why it's called a disorder.

Let me get back to the part about anorexia/bulimia being an addictive behavior, not unlike being an alcoholic or drug addict.  Once you "get in that head", it's a lifetime struggle to keep it under control.  There are still very few days that go by when I don't know every single bite that has gone into my mouth.  I also still feel guilt sometimes when I overeat and I still rarely overeat without under eating the next day to compensate.

I'm not telling you this for sympathy, because I am so grateful for my life now (even the crazy parts because I'm learning and growing from them).  I just know that I'm not alone and I think it's important to share. I will admit that I like being thin, but sometimes the standards that I hold myself to are difficult.  What causes eating disorders?  I don't think anyone will ever know exactly, but I do know for sure that stress, unhappiness, and a society that doesn't celebrate self care and self love are a huge part of the causes of these eating disorders and even though they affect men, women seem to be statistically more predisposed to eating disorders.  I also know that having an eating disorder bleeds into every other part of your life.  A lack of self confidence causes so many problems because decisions aren't based on what's best for you...you don't feel deserving, so you settle for less than you deserve.

Saying someone has an "eating disorder", doesn't seem quite as accurate as saying someone has an "emotional eating" issue.  It's all about emotion; we eat (or not) because we're happy, or sad, or lonely, or anxious...the list goes on.  So many times, food is associated with love and I think with eating disorders, we are either trying to love ourselves or punish ourselves, with food.  It's hard because as humans, we have no choice, we must eat...making eating disorders unlike alcoholism or drug addiction.

I will say, that my obsession with eating inspired my love of cooking.  It was during the time when I was the thinnest, that I became interested in learning everything I could about cooking and eventually started a catering business.  I still love to cook (as you know) and I also love to eat.  I don't believe that eating disorders have anything to do with food.  The problem is manifested through food, just as a drug addiction has nothing to do with the drugs.  We figure out how to medicate ourselves.  It's true that when you know better, you do better.  I now know that taking care of myself, through meditation, yoga, being with friends, and taking time to just be, in other words, self care and self love, are the keys to overcoming almost everything.  The fact that I now know that I am important and I am worth the time and effort it takes to truly nourish myself and love me has made all the difference in my life.  Learning about The Law of Attraction and that I am a spiritual being and have the capacity to create the life I want through my thoughts has changed my life.  

I now know that I am here on purpose, there is nothing wrong with me, I deserve to be happy, my weirdness and flaws and passions are perfect for who I am here to be and there are no mistakes.  My life has been a journey and some days are still easier than others, but I wouldn't trade the things I've learned for anything.