#datingwhileautistic

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My first date as an Autistic person

Okay, so I'm a 23 y/o autistic woman who's recently diagnosed (less than a year ago) and have never dated anyone, never been on a date or kissed anyone before. As someone who always struggled with social interactions, dating or going out with people was never really on my radar. Although it was something that I really wanted to experience, I never got the oportunity to do so due to many different reasons (whether them being considered "on the less attractive side" while growing up, having severe social and generalized anxiety, personality/ behaviours also being considered to be out of the norm, etc). Enough years had past where I've already given up on having those experiences and to be honest I was fine with it.

But to my own surprise, I was asked out by a random guy that I met at my local bookstore. From the get go I thought that it wouldn't necessarily be a "great" date (since I would be in a completely new social situation with someone that I didn't knew, it was less likely for me to feel comfortable and properly enjoy the whole thing), but since the opportunity has appeared, I wanted to see what it was like just for funsies. Luckily, I was pleasantly surprised and had, what I consider, to be a very nice first experience. I was very very very anxious about it beforehand and, even though my friends and therapist gave me a lot of good advice, it felt like I was taking a shot in the dark. I had a vague idea on how dates worked but never went on one myself, and specially didn't knew what it would look like from the perspective of someone who's on the spectrum.

So, I'll share a bit of my experience and what I've learned in case anyone wants to know or finds themselves in a similar situation.

SOME TIPS:

In order to be more safe, it's good to know at least little bit about them prior to the date. Their age, their work, any hobbies, where they usually like to hang out, etc., those are things that usually come up naturally on first conversations but if they don't, I don't think it's weird to ask them on a casual manner (like "do you work nearby? Oh cool, what do you work with?", "and by the way, how old are you?").

Me and the guy didn't texted e/o too much before the date (specially cause I suck at texting people) but while doing so, he was very respectful and considerate when I asked for us to get to know each other more before meeting up. I've been on very toxic friendships in the past due to missing some more nuanced red flags so this was something good that caught my eye.

Also, by texting them you can have a little bit of a better idea of who you're meeting up with, so I recomend it!!

One of the reasons on why I agreed on hanging out even though he was a somewhat stranger, was that when we first spoke, at all times I felt comfortable and able to set any boundaries if needed. If you're not used to this situation it's probably going to feel a bit weird to do these new things, but it's always a green flag if they make you feel comfortable and make sure to give you space to make decisions.

If you're going to meet someone, meet up on a more public space (like a mall, a restaurant or a park) for safety reasons.

I asked my mom to call me 1h30 into the date so that, in case it went bad, I could use it as an excuse to leave asap. It ended up not being necessary in my case, but you can ask someone of trust to do that to make you feel more relaxed.

Be aware that, if you're meeting in a public space, chances are that it can be a little bit crowded and it can be sensory overwhelming. I wasn't expecting that so it caught me off guard, however we were able to find a more secluded area to sit and talk while still being in public.

Prepare beforehand some questions and topics that can be enjoyable to the both of you to talk about in order to lessen the moments of silence (I did it, however I forgot a lot of them due to being sensory overwhelmed at the time).

You most likely will have to mask a little more on this first encounter, they'll probably try to sit a little closer to you and maintain a lot of eye contact (something that I wasn't prepared for and had a little bit of a hard time doing) so be aware of that as well.

SETTING BOUNDARIES:

The guy I went on a date with is a very touchy person. I am not. Specially with people that I don't know that well. So, even if he wasn't doing anything with malice or bad intentions, there were times where I had to comunicate that it felt a little too much for me.

Setting boundaries doesn't have to be weird or make anyone feel offended, it's a natural thing in all types of relationships and you can do it while still being casual and polite. You can always suggest something else that makes you feel more comfortable instead (for example "hey, I don't really like being hugged like that, how about we hold hands for now?") or reassure them that you're just letting them know that about you so that both of you can have a better time together.

When it comes to sharing about your diagnosis, it definitely has it's pros and cons. I didn't plan on telling him about mine initially cause I was a bit afraid of hearing unwanted ableist comments, maybe in the future or if the topic came up and it felt safe, I would do so. However it wasn't really necessary cause he able to tell lol.

In my case, by letting him know that I was feeling a bit anxious and that I was autistic it made the whole situation better. I felt more at peace and wasn't trying to hide this part of me anymore, he was very comprehensive about it and even adapted a few things like change the way he was seatted so that I wouldn't have to maintain direct eye contact with him anymore (yes, it was very cute !!!! and it made me soooo much more comfortable)

Still, if you choose not to share about it, it's completely valid and understandable.

It also can be a good thing to share about you not having that much experience on dates if you feel okay doing so. Since I clearly looked very anxious, it made him aware that it was a "me thing", and not something that he did wrong.

I think in most countries is not unusual to kiss on the first date, but you REALLY don't have any obligation to do anything that you're not comfortable doing. Since I had never kissed anyone before it was something that I was very anxious about, I said "not yet" initially but as I got more comfortable and made him aware of my lack of experience, I was okay with giving it a try.

OTHER THINGS:

A good thing to keep in mind is that a date is supposed to be enjoyable for the both of you. So don't be afraid to ask the person if they are comfortable, what you can do to make them more comfortable and make sure to talk it out to find a middle ground that works for the both of you. They'll probably feel just as grateful for this attitude as you would.

I think dates that you do stuff together (like go out to eat, go to a karaoke, take a pottery class together, visit a museum, etc) can ease the pressure of keep talking all the time. In opposition, dates that you mainly just have a conversation can be less overwhelming in general. It's good to have in mind what you think would fit your needs better.

Since it's something new, the situation as a whole will probably be a little out of your comfort zone. But try to enjoy it and take it as an opportunity to meet the other person and get to know them and, if you feel okay with it, to try some new stuff as well.

I know it can feel a little tricky to do this while masking, but be yourself !! This is an opportunity for you to get to know the other person better as well as an opportunity for them to get to know you. If things don't work out it's probably for the best, you don't have to force yourself to be someone you're not in order to fit somebody else's standards.

I was very lucky to have had a date with the person I did, he was genuinely a good person and I'm very grateful on how cute, respectful and understanding he was at all times. I hope he was also able to have a somewhat good experience!

Those were some of the things I was able to learn, I really don't think this is a situation of "one size fits all" but I hope it can be a little helpful to someone out there while adapting it to their own reality. ALSO, I cannot stress this enough, but if you're an adult like I am and never had these experiences, it doesn't mean anything bad about you. You're never "too old" to go through them and it's not bad to not have them at all.

[datingwhileautistic]

Relaunching datingwhileautistic!

To recap, demisexual biromantic autistic guy living in London, looking to date women. I am 27 now, which is much older than when I started this blog. But I actually have content!

All names will be changed, and I may occasionally fudge the geography too. But I have content. Aiming to update weekly.