#damn i have a lot of things to look forward to on april

[apparently-artless]

just finished rewatching d.gray-man (thanks to listening to dgm osts) so i decided to continue reading the manga again. allen and mana's past!! i don't know what to do with these emotions!! 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

[rewordthis]

So I just watched the last episode of Wind Breaker and I’ll say one thing only; if you haven’t watched it yet, GO!

It got green-lighted for 2nd season for 2025, too!

I’ve been seeing activity about it around tumblr, and to be honest didn’t think much of it, but it’s good. It really is good. I’m already looking forward to 2nd season~ 😋

But right now I want to talk about something I didn’t like. Minor complain but, hey! My post, my rules!

You see…

Sometimes I have beef with the translations for niche things and sometimes it’s because they’re plain stupid…

Like, I hate how Umemiya says “do you like or hate him” here (specifically referring to Togame, あいつ, and actually stressing on the ‘like’ part in the next scene because Sakura tried to stand up for him) and Sakura just full out blushes like his crush has been found out (and he’s doing that a LOT! Trust me~ He’s a tsun, fun little guy <3), but the translation is just this generic line that sounds creepy af on top of detached from the person it refers to (すき is a word that is generally used as ‘like’ as in I like pasta, but for humans it heavily implies liking someone like that, because when mentioned it refers to the love side of the meaning) and it’s so… hmpf~ 😤

Sakura-chan seen through and through~ And he’s not even trying to deny IIIIIIIT (for once)!!! (//∇//)

And this has struck a chord, you know? Because Sakura is a tsun, he’s not accepting that people have seen through him but that’s the only case he does not say anything to deny it. He does not try to deflect. He merely blushes furiously but quietly accepts Umemiya’s statement before he asks what’s so important about being able to ‘converse’ with his fists like… _(:3 」∠)_

‘Yeah, I like him. Let’s change the subject… Why do you care?’

Umemiya’s explanation that this has to meet two conditions in order to happen is… making things even more personal… hhhn~ a) you need to face your opponent and b) to want to know them (and Sakura did thought that during their fight; anyone else getting flashbacks from all those shojo/bl manga this has been used as the catalyst for the mc to acknowledge their feelings, like I did here??? huh???). Ahem. Yeah…

Then the whole thing about how Sakura is still capable of accepting others, even though he says he doesn’t… (Nirei pointing out that he’s been accepted by Sakura even though he’s not strong enough to hold a fight on his own, is a proof of it.)

Not to mention how the only thing he could come up for punishment was “get cooler so I’ll want to fight you again”, coming from a guy who’s literally considering fighting his entire damn personality and reason to exist! ᕦ(ò_óˇ)ᕤ You like Togame, you accept him (even though you absolutely thought the worst of him at the start), and I dare say he’s even the first person you ever really came to like and your feelings were actually reciprocated — he had an impact in you the way he called your name and invited you to resume your fight — that you were thinking back to it, you also like how he’s stronger than you (you reflected back on how you’d actually lose to him if he hadn’t given up… come on, tell me I’m wrong if you can, I’ll wait~)… Joke’s on you, Sakura-chan~ (☝︎ ՞ਊ ՞)☝︎

Btw, I know Sakura-chan! What’s there not to love about Togame~ 🤗

Man made me emotional completely out of the blue, kudos to the studio and everyone that worked on this anime and especially these couple episodes. 🩶👍

Right, anyway… if you know me I’m here for the plot first and foremost but a port has many gates so… hehe 🤭

Also, I don’t know how I was under the impression that Sakura was a libra but the wiki had his birthday on April 1st, along with a couple more characters being Aries and I’m like… bro, that’s why the brawls… THEM BRAWLS!!! 😅

[tmntkiseki]

I have finally watched Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze (beware for OPINIONS)

And the tl;dr opinion: I am surprised by how much I liked it

Obviously, it wasn't as good as the first movie and I definitely have a few issues with it, the biggest one being that with the exception of Donatello, the turtles barely used their weapons. I know this was because people complained that the first movie was too violent, but C'MON, PEOPLE. If Leonardo has a pair of swords strapped to his back, he should be using them, damn it!

My other big issue is Casey being completely absent from the plot. I might have been forgiving towards this if they provided an explanation somewhere in the script (something like "His mother is not doing well and he needs to take care of her,") but he's just gone with no acknowledgement that he even exists and it is so jarring when he was such a prominent member of the cast in the first film. Subsequently, I'm extremely divided on Keno. I do really like him as a character, and I wouldn't mind if they brought him back in another iteration at some point, but he ultimately feels like a substitute for Casey that they didn't actually need.

But otherwise, most of my complaints range from minor nitpicks to stuff that I'm not necessarily sure is actually a problem. For instance, the turtle costumes don't look as good, but I feel like that's more to do with the brighter lighting rather than a genuine decline in the overall quality (the darker lighting of the first movie did a lot to hide the imperfections in the suits.) April being played by a different actress certainly is weird, but Paige Turco does a pretty acceptable job playing our intrepid reporter, even if I do still prefer Judith Hoag. The overuse of slapstick comedy is a little grating at times, but there were a lot of jokes that made me laugh so I can let it slide. You win some, you lose some.

The really interesting thing though is that unlike the final two seasons of the 2003 series, the tonal change didn't actually bother me all that much. I think it was because despite the tonal change, the turtles, for the most part, still felt very in character when compared to the first movie. In Fast Forward and Back to the Sewer, there were a number of lines that genuinely went into "He would not fucking say that" territory, but here? Yeah, it' still the same turtles from before, just a little bit goofier.

And now for a bulleted list of pretty much everything I liked or am at least accepting of.

Even if I'm sad that Leo, Raph, and Mikey barely use their weapons, the fight choreography for the movie was still fantastic.

I know that both Raphael and Donatello's voices were recast for this movie and in terms of Raphael, Laurie Faso does such a convincing impression of Josh Pais performance that you can barely tell that the actor was changed.

As for Donny, I actually like Adam Carl's voice for him better than Corey Feldman's (not sure if this is a controversial opinion or not, but that is how I feel)

Speaking of Donny, they did put more emphasis on him being the tech guy of the turtles. That was the only thing I found off about him in the first movie, so I'm glad about this.

Listen, I know Jordan Perry's character is basically a stand-in for Baxter Stockman and he might as well just have been Baxter Stockman, but there is something I just absolutely love about him and his dumb bow tie.

Tokka and Rahzar... not entirely sure how I feel about these two? I think I like their concept enough and for the sake of the movie's plot they were utilized reasonably well. I just wish they had more personality than "literal infants." (Also, I feel dumb. I've been pronouncing Rahzar's name as "Raah-zahr," but for most of the movie, it's pronounced like razor.)

Even though there aren't really any significant character arcs in this movie and thus very little character development for the turtles, I did really like the brief angst that Don and his brothers had after finding out their mutation was a complete accident.

Frikkin Super Shredder. His appearance was extremely brief, but I can understand why the concept has been revived so many times in the franchise since this movie because it is so cool.

Do genuinely love the movie's soundtrack. Who the hell is Vanilla Ice, though?

[thesewordsareallihavetogive]

broke down: A Safe Place to Land one-shot - Bradley "Rooster" Bradshaw x nurse!reader

Summary: 2.5k words. One-shot in the A Safe Place to Land universe. y/n's car breaks down and Bradley is determined to make sure she's okay. (time line stuff: ch. 1 takes place in september 2019, ch. 5 is set in december of 2019, and this one-shot occurs in april of 2022.)

Warnings: car issues, bradley being a Stress Protective Fiancé, uH angst i guess? lots & lots of fluff. also sexism

a/n: hi y'all! it's been a moment lol. this story has been floating around in my noggin since november-ish & i'm so glad i finally wrote it out. enjoy! <3

series master list | master list

Shit. y/n muttered under her breath as she pulled her car off to the side of the road. Two warning lights lit up on the dashboard and a disconcerting noise started echoing from underneath the hood before she brought the vehicle to a stop. Based on the thin smoke rising from the crevice between the body of the car and its hood, y/n had a feeling she wasn’t going to make it the final stretch of her drive.

It had already been such a long day and y/n was really, really looking forward to seeing her fiancé and downing a cold beer or two. Or three. With a heavy sigh, she stepped out of her usually trustworthy car and popped the hot-to-the-touch hood. Smoke clouded her vision and she coughed–this was definitely an issue she couldn’t resolve by herself.

After dialing roadside assistance, y/n called Bradley. The phone hadn’t even rung twice before he picked up, his warm hello being slightly muffled by the lively crowd in The Hard Deck.

“Hey Roos,” y/n sighed. She tried to hide the exhaustion in her tone, but Rooster picked up on it immediately.

“What’s wrong, baby?” Dammit. This man could read her like a damn book. The aviator furrowed his brow and sat up straight in the chair he’d been occupying. The rest of the squad was bordering on boisterous after the several drinks they’d downed and were more focused on an intense game of nine-ball. y/n rubbed her temple and thought about how to best tell him and avoid him freaking out. She loved him to the ends of the earth, but he was a worrier.

“I’m fine! It’s nothing, really…” she trailed off. Her frustration and emotions got the best of her, so it all spilled out at once. “Actually, my car broke down so I called for a tow truck and I’m gonna be late meeting up with you guys at the Hard Deck so I’ll probably just head home after this because I’m so tired and-” Rooster’s eyes widened at the jumble of words y/n rushed out.

“Where are you?” Bradley cut her off before she could work herself up anymore. y/n could hear movement in the background and she instantly felt guilty. The last thing she wanted to do was interrupt him while he was having a well-deserved night out with his friends.

“It doesn’t matter. I just wanted to let you know that I probably won’t make it to the bar tonight. This might take a while,” y/n huffed. Her nerves were shot and above all, she just wanted to go home. Sure, a night out with her fiancé and their friends would be nice, but a warm bath and a pint of Ben & Jerry’s would be much nicer.

“y/n. Where. are. you?” Bradley asked slowly, punctuating each word. His voice was low and left no room for argument. y/n had only heard him speak that way a handful of times since she’d known him–all of which were times he thought she might be in trouble.

So she told him her location. She had pulled off on the edge of some backroad she was taking in hopes of it being a shortcut. Instead, she was now thanking her lucky stars that she had barely enough cell reception to call the tow service and Bradley.

Rooster cursed–y/n was alone in the middle of nowhere and it would be dark soon. A dozen scenarios went through his mind at once and none of them were good.

In a few long strides, the aviator crossed the room towards the bar without so much as a goodbye to his friends. He fished enough cash out of his wallet to cover his tab and then some as he flagged down Penny. The worried expression and his rushed movements, while his phone was pinched between his shoulder and ear, had Penny moving cautiously to tend to him, foregoing some of the other customers before him. She’d hardly accepted the cash from his hand before he offered her a tight smile and jogged out of the bar.

“I’m coming to pick you up,” he said with finality. y/n’s brow furrowed and she started pacing alongside her car.

“What? No, Bradley. Stay out with your friends. Have a good time, you deserve to let loose. I’ll see you at home, okay?” If he weren’t so focused on getting to y/n, he might’ve noticed the warmth that spread through his chest anytime his fiancée mentioned their shared home.

Rooster was typically far more gentle with the Bronco than he was right then, but that was hardly a thought in his mind when he pulled his keys out and shoved them into the door lock. y/n inwardly groaned as she heard the tell-tale sign of his old car’s door slamming and the engine turning over.

“Nope. No. I’m not going to be able to relax or think about anything else until I know you’re okay. I’ll be there in 15 minutes, tops.” He peeled out of the parking lot, pulling onto the main road before he’d even finished his sentence.

y/n blew out a heavy breath and dragged her palm down her face before stopping short. She pulled her phone away from her ear and checked the GPS route she recently had open.

Your location to The Hard Deck Bar – 24 minutes via State Road…

“I am okay. And it’s over a 20 minute drive to where you are,” y/n sighed. She had no doubt that Bradley would be able to beat the estimated time of 24 minutes, but shaving almost 10 minutes off seemed a little outlandish, even for the fighter pilot.

Rather than reminding his fiancée that he routinely flew planes at over 1,000 mph, he simply grunted out “I said what I said” and pressed his foot harder against the gas pedal.

Bradley stayed on the phone with y/n while he drove. Based on the unmistakable sound of the Bronco’s engine revving and cars honking because Rooster had cut them off, it was easy to assume he was breaking a handful of traffic laws.

Otherwise, the call was relatively quiet. Bradley broke the silence every few minutes to ask if y/n was okay–she hummed yes, Roos each time. He asked her if there was anyone lingering around or coming up to her–No, there’s literally no one out here. Her fiancé couldn’t decide if that was a good or bad thing.

y/n huffed in frustration when she tried to unsuccessfully start her car for the umpteenth time. Just as she rested her head on the steering wheel with crestfallen resignation, she caught a set of all too familiar headlights in her rearview mirror. The nurse felt a bittersweet smile creep onto her face. She was happy to see Bradley, she always was, but she couldn’t help the sinking guilty feeling that he cut his night out short because of her. y/n slowly climbed out of the car and really felt the exhaustion hit her this time around. Now that Bradley was here, she didn’t have to keep looking over her shoulder and was able to let her guard down a bit. 

By the time she closed the door behind her, he’d already crossed the distance from the Bronco to her car. Bradley wore a sympathetic smile when eyes met y/n’s. Something about the loving look in his eyes had y/n holding back tears. The aviator wordlessly pulled y/n into his chest and she gladly went along with it, wrapping her arms loosely around his waist.

“I’m sorry, Brad. I didn’t mean to ruin your night,” y/n’s words were muffled by the fabric of his t-shirt. Bradley tutted and brought a hand up to massage her shoulders where he knew she got tense often.

“You don’t need to be sorry, baby. I’m glad you called me,” he pressed a kiss against y/n’s hair before resting his chin atop her head. They stood wrapped in each other's arms for a moment, silently swaying side to side. y/n was still nuzzled against Bradley’s chest when he patted her back before pulling away and moved toward the hood of her car.

Bradley “Rooster” Bradshaw knows his plane inside and out. This extended to cars as well. He’s been under the hood of his vintage Ford Bronco more times than he cares to count, so he’s familiar with working on cars, to say the least. Maybe if this whole flying thing didn’t work out, he could be a mechanic.

Rooster waved the remaining smoke away from his face when he popped the hood of the car. He’d hardly been glancing around the various parts before a particular problem caught his eye. He stood back and rested his hands on either hip. There wasn’t much that puzzled him, but it was certainly an interesting sight, he thought as he tilted his head to the side.

“This drive belt is damn near shredded. When was the last time you got your car serviced?” Rooster asked innocently. When y/n blushed and wouldn’t meet his eyes, his face dropped. The aviator rubbed his temple. He had a feeling he wasn’t going to like her answer.

He produced a rag out of seemingly thin air and pulled the engine’s dipstick and wiped it off before checking the oil. He held the dipstick up to catch the remainder of the setting sun’s light and frowned–the oil was definitely below where it should be.

y/n was scratching the back of her neck now, looking increasingly sheepish.

“y/n?” Bradley asked expectantly. He wasn’t being condescending, but y/n felt like she was in trouble.

“Umm… I took her to get serviced not long after Lover came out. I sat in the waiting area and listened to the album like 3 times in a row.” Rooster did some math before his eyes practically bugged out of his head.

“When Lover came ou- baby, that was over two years ago?!” Bradley said incredulously, mouth agape. Before dating y/n, Rooster didn’t know much of anything about Taylor Swift. Eventually, his then-girlfriend started purchasing her own vinyl records and Taylor Swift’s music became regular in the rotation. Whether Bradley liked it or not, he learned some Swiftie lore. And, being the history nerd that he was, he remembered almost all of it. The album release dates had eventually wormed their way into his mind as well.

“I know! I know, but I literally only ever drive to work because we take the Bronco everywhere else so it didn’t matter that much…” y/n raised her hands defensively. Her voice trailed off towards the end; even she knew it was a bad excuse. Rooster slid a hand down his face in exasperation and smoothed out his mustache above his tight-lipped frown.

“Honey, what if you broke down or worse while I was deployed? I-” Rooster sighed. He stopped himself before he went on a tangent that might upset y/n. Nothing was worth arguing over right then so he let the topic rest. Bradley made a mental note to schedule a servicing for her car the following day.

The tow truck y/n called for pulled up just in time to avoid what was heading toward a tense conversation. When the driver approached the pair, he hardly spared Rooster a second glance initially; he was too focused on dragging his eyes across y/n’s body in a way that made her skin crawl. Bradley puffed out his chest and took a step forward, redirecting the man’s attention. The aviator’s movement allowed the remainder of the sun’s dwindling light to sparkle against y/n’s sizable engagement ring. She doubted that was Rooster’s intention, but she smirked nonetheless.

The tow truck driver posed his questions to Bradley. The much taller and tanned man was about to respond when y/n cleared her throat and stepped forward. It was her car, after all.

The driver was surprised. The hint of a grimy grin spread across his face.

“Alright, little lady,” he snickered. Strike one.

y/n took the man’s questions in stride. She knew the answers to most of them; she wasn’t dumb. Just because she procrastinated on her car’s maintenance didn’t mean she was clueless about her vehicle. Rooster was confident that she could handle herself in the conversation, so he hung back with his hand resting on her lower back protectively.

Some of the more unnecessarily specific questions were aimed to trip y/n up–Rooster knew it, and y/n pieced it together pretty quickly. Strike two. Good for y/n, and disappointingly for the sexist tow truck operator, y/n was very good at bullshitting her way to the right answer every time and had an unrivaled poker face.

Rooster smirked, impressed. His little spitfire was doing what she did best–putting men in their place.

The driver eventually huffed in annoyance. He clearly lost their verbal sparring match, so he set out to do his actual job and leave with his tail tucked between his legs. He tuned out the couple as he worked on hooking up the car and lifting it onto the truck bed.

y/n linked her arms behind her fiancé’s neck and grinned up at him. Rooster matched her smile. She was trouble, a force to be reckoned with–and he loved her for it.

“Thank you for saving me,” y/n murmured while her lips ghosted over Bradley’s. She pressed a sweet kiss to his lips, but before he could deepen it, she pulled away and examined him at arm’s length.

"My knight in shining… tacky tourist shirt,” y/n grinned deviously, amused by her own joke. Rooster rolled his eyes, pressing his tongue to his cheek before he retaliated by tickling her side–the exact same spot he’s been targeting since their very first beach date. y/n laughed before pulling him back toward her by his flowered collar for the deep kiss Bradley longed for.

At some point, the tow truck driver had finished up and y/n’s car was secured on the bed. He cleared his throat and shuffled uncomfortably as the couple shamelessly pulled away from their PDA stunt. y/n signed the necessary paperwork before thanking the man–she might be petty and a smart-ass, but she wasn’t an asshole.

Bradley and y/n walked hand-in-hand back towards the Bronco, where he opened the passenger door for her and offered his hand to support her as she stepped up into the lifted vehicle. Once Bradley was sitting in the driver’s seat, he wordlessly handed y/n his phone so she could play music. Somehow, the nurse had talked him into setting up bluetooth of all things in his vintage Bronco. He was well aware that she had him whipped, but he wouldn’t have it any other way.

With one hand on the steering wheel and one hand resting on y/n’s thigh, Bradley pulled back onto the road and drove toward their shared house, the Hard Deck long forgotten. The windows were rolled down and soft tunes filled the night air.

“Hey Roos?” y/n spoke, intertwining her fingers with his.

“Yeah, baby?” Rooster hummed, briefly taking his eyes off the road to look at his fiancée.

“What’s a drive belt?”

a/n: fun fact: i learned how to check a car’s oil level when my friends and i were in bum fuck nowhere on a camping trip. pretty sure my dad was v stressed out when i called him and asked me to walk me through it but it definitely fed my ego.

[7grandmel]

Todays rip: 09/02/2024

Joke-Explainer™ 7000 Fusion Collab

Season 8 No Album Release (Read More) Magolor's Shoppe - Team Kirby Clash Deluxe

Ripped by Bruh de la Boi, ChickenSuitGuy, circunflexo, Cosmic199X, Edgi, Ellie53, Jiko Music, Memmy, Pan Visuals by BobTheTacocat

Look alive, everyone - Season 8 of SiIvaGunner has now officially premiered!

It may be a bit rich to say as someone running this blog, and with such deep investment into the channel, but...Season 7 really did bring me back into SiIvaGunner in a way I never quite thought would be possible. I'd sort of just accepted with Season 4, Season 5 and Season 6 that the channel had found a new direction: one that I was still VERY much a fan of, yet not quite the one that had "sold" me on the channel the same way Season 1, Season 2 and Season 3 did. I felt as if I was missing that energy of just...sheer visceral excitement for the future of the channel as a whole from the later-year seasons. There was instead a lot of per-event excitement, tons of little events to enjoy and still fun to be had in speculation of what could happen next, yet that aforementioned optimism still felt like it...missing, for a long time. And funny enough - last I discussed that feeling in particular was with Patched Plains Fusion Collab, a rip that Joke-Explainer™ 7000 Fusion Collab very much seems to be intentionally aiming to evoke.

Part of the reason that Patched Plains Fusion Collab works so well for me, and indeed why Season 2 has long sat as my favorite in the channel's life, is that feeling of raw forward momentum it conveys - the excitement of the entire fanbase thankful that SiIvaGunner hadn't actually ended, distilled into an anthem of so many different styles cheerfully pushing us forward. It was that sort of progress that, back when they were airing, I felt was sort of absent from Seasons 4/5/6 - the SiIvaGunner AI was still running things, Wood Man was still off effectively doing sidequests, and though the rips had obviously gotten better the cynical side of me couldn't help but feel a bit sad at how - for a lack of a better word - "predictable" it all felt. And to be crystal clear: A lot of those feelings have obviously changed for the better over the years. I love all of SiIvaGunner's Seasons nowadays, and I realized eventually that the prior-mentioned cynicism toward the new direction wasn't as fun as just, appreciating and LOVING the stuff to come out from the new seasons for the excellence that they were. And funny enough, I feel like that exact mindset is exactly what made Season 7 work so well for me.

Wheras Season 2 is one I remember for its feeling of constantly moving things forward at a rocket-speed pace, Season 7 excels by doing the complete opposite - the Year of Grand Dad is, at almost every possible turn, defined by its sense of self-celebration, a sort of "Sonic Generations"-type of tribute to the entire channel's life. Be it with RIP² as covered in SING A SONG ABOUT HOPES AND DREAMS, the entire incredible April Fools event I've alluded to within Violet Snow Memories, a newfound sense of chaos clearly inspired by Season 1 as shown in Hidden Headtoilets (skibidi toree 2) - yet with Seasons 4/5/6s newfound touch for genuine quality arrangements as found in rips like Forest of Tears. And, atop it all, the long-awaited continuation of the storyline last progressed back in Season 2 with the Christmas Comeback Crisis' eleventh episode. With such an incredible smörgåsbord of content on offer, it feels damn near impossible for me not to consider Season 7 my all-time new favorite.

And that optimism for the Season, that optimism for the future, is why Joke-Explainer™ 7000 Fusion Collab struck such a chord with me, with its release just a few days ago. With Season 7's ending, the status quo of the channel has been fundamentally altered in a way it hasn't truly been in a long while. For the first time ever, the long-present side character "Joke-Explainer™ 7000" is in full charge of the channel - her most prominent role ever despite having been around since all the way back in Season 1. I'll likely be dedicating another Season 8 post in the future to talking about her in particular with the same level of detail I did back in Vote Responsibly!!, but the context I'll provide for now is that her theme song, Magolor's Shoppe, has been a familiar, comforting tune to many a SiIvaGunner viewer since way back in Season 2. To see Patched Plains Fusion Collab not only get a spiritual successor, but one building upon a character and theme we've long grown attached to, means something so much to me and so many others. The added visuals, of her doing her duty with adorable Kirby-themed artwork as textboxes, are truly the cherry on top of an amazing collab.

From referencing the very beginnings of the channel with an initial arrangement using Pokémon Ruby, to using familiar-yet-infrequent sources such as Thwomp Volcano and Snail's House (jokes "worth explaining", so to speak!), to perhaps even hinting at what jokes are to become even more frequent in Season 8, such as the GOAT of all new jokes I Show Meat - I was long anticipating what the official premiere of Season 8 would be, and Joke-Explainer™ 7000 Fusion Collab was everything I never knew I wanted. My excitement for Season 8 is perhaps higher than for any other Season in the channel's long history, and I can't wait to get to share that excitement with all of you.

[angelosearch]

here is a weird little ramble about how weird and obsessive I am about this damn videogame.

You know that quote from Laguna at the beginning of disk 2 where he is like, "Oh, please let it be this room when I wake up! Please let me be in this puny bed when I wake up!"*?

I get that feeling sometimes. When you finally feel safe and happy and loved, it's hard to believe it will stay. Sometimes it's hard to believe I even deserve for it to stay. So I start and end each day with the fear of it all disappearing, and it's hard to hang on to gratefulness when you're doing that.

Right now I have so much joy and fun and creativity in my life. I spent so many years in a deep depression that I forgot I could be excited like this. I didn't know I could still feel so strongly about things. And while I spent a lot of 2023 seeing all of my mental health treatments/work paying off, I didn't feel truly whole until I rediscovered Final Fantasy VIII in July.

And my "puny bed" is just that - being engaged with Final Fantasy VIII. I get scared that one day I will be uninterested. But I never want to be unobsessed again.

I have loved Final Fantasy VIII at least since I was about 11, but I think I loved it since the first time I watched my brothers play the demo. It has been an important part of my life - playing the game influenced all my interests going forward; making fanfiction taught me how to write; going on forums to discuss the game helped me learn how to socialize online; and honestly I could go on.

But I've gone through cycles. I was very obsessed from 11 to 13, then someone made me a cake with the Griever necklace on it for my 16th birthday (WHICH WAS SO COOL) and all I could feel was embarrassment. My interest had gone completely dormant. It reemerged at 19 with the help of my Final Fantasy XIII roommate in college and went on long enough for us to go to see a Distant Worlds concert together, but faded again when she left for Amsterdam.

The first five years of my young professional life I am not sure I had any interests at all, being so busy and detached from myself, so Final Fantasy VIII was nowhere in my vocabularly. Which meant my wedding had not a drop of FFVIII in it. Even though my husband suggested it. Even though we learned how to dance for it, and could have done the waltz for the moon.

Strangely enough, about two days before the remaster dropped, I was inspired to look up FFVIII for some unknown reason. It was as if I felt the new opportunity to play in the force and when I found out a remaster was coming out, I absolutely had to play it.

And I did. And I enjoyed it. But that was when I started to fall down a dark spiral. The love was very quickly strangled.

When I was at my very worst, I kid you not, I could not even bring myself to think of FFVIII. I very clearly remember one December night in 2020 I spent manic in a psych ward, scared and uncomfortable and unable to fall asleep. I tried to focus on fanfiction ideas so I could maybe be relaxed enough to doze, instead of spending hours in the darkness wondering if my meds would ever work, if my heart was going to explode, if I would ever be "normal" again, while people opened my door at random intervals to shine a flashlight on my face. I tried to conjure Squall's face, or quotes from the game, and it all collapsed into nothingness.

And that was how it was. From then until mid-2023, FFVIII was shut away from me by the tomb of my own illness.

Then, I think it was March or April, my therapist and I were talking about ways to tackle my insomnia that didn't involve additional medication. It came up that I used to make "fake bedtime scenarios" about characters in this videogame I liked and that would not only help me fall asleep, but make me excited to go to bed.

"Why don't you play the game again?" She asked. I know I said "I can't" but I don't remember why. But it was enough to plant a seed (SeeD?).

As the spring continued, I started listening to the music from Final Fantasy VIII. Then I started going on the Reddit. I found this "State of the Arc" podcast that reviewed FFVIII. I listened to it on a roadtrip and, while I enjoyed it, I also found myself yelling at the dashboard because I disagreed with the hosts about something.

When I reached my destination, I found I could not fall asleep. I turned over a lot of things in my brain. I thought about Squall being a high-functioning depressed person with a lot of repressed feelings, like I once was. And how as your brain develops and you have issues like that, especially with CPTSD, it sometimes doesn't matter if your life is good now - the pain demands to be felt and the body remembers what you thought you forgot. And then I wondered, what if he was happy and with Rinoa after FFVIII but had a massive mental breakdown in his late 20s? And so, for the first time in three years, I could think about Final Fantasy VIII to fall asleep again.

After that, I was hooked again, and in a big way. I played the game again and found Reddit wasn't enough anymore. I may be even more obsessed with the game now than I ever was. So I joined Tumblr, and I guess you guys know the rest.

Since bringing this amazing videogame back into my life, I've been happier, more easy-going, and just... able to sit with myself. It makes me want to write, and draw, and sing, and play card games. I find that when my anxiety gets the best of me, I can shift to thinking about Final Fantasy VIII as a way of thought-stopping. And then I've met some amazing people on here that are so interesting and talented and supportive. I literally look forward to coming on Tumblr.

Today I was out and about a lot because I am with my in-laws and I am sort of on vacation. Because of that, I wasn't on Tumblr all day, and, more significantly, I didn't think/talk about Final Fantasy VIII. I mean, it wasn't completely absent from my day as I wore my "Compression of Time" tanktop and Squaket... but irrationally I feared I was somehow "not doing enough FFVIII" today.

And that is silly, of course. And I think in the big picture I am most afraid of being that disconnected and lost again. I could probably find joy in another fandom... maybe.

I just want to keep waking up here, in this cozy place that makes me feel connected and at home.

*btw in google this quote I found out Laguna is a brand of bed frame???

[banqanas]

Notes from Gene livestream:

(Not a full summary just things i find interesting)

- It’s been a while since all gene members get together in person like this

- but they did have a lot of online meetings before

- (in an event a few weeks ago, Hayato said that in one of their online meetings Alan attended the meeting when he was literally soaking in a pool in Bali LMAOOO)

—————

- Ryuto arrived from USA yesterday (he is currently studying abroad there) and met Alan at the airport

- Alan: When I was at the luggage claim counter I saw a guy that looked familiar and then I realised it was Ryuto kun!

- Ryuto: I was just waiting there and suddenly a guy was running straight at me with a camera so I was kinda freaked out, turns out it was Alan

---------

- Continued talking about each other’s individual activities with Hayato being in stage plays and Alan with his gigs

- Yuta: you’re literally living in airplanes the past months huh

- Alan: I counted and I've went abroad more than 10 times this year

- Reo: He even said, “I don’t wanna pay my rent” since he's barely home

- Alan: Damn right! Do you think I can just pretend I forgot to pay

- Yose: Is it alright for you to say that on live broadcast??

- Alan: Just kidding i paid okay! I properly paid my rent

- Hayato: Let’s put that aside, this isn’t a broadcast about whether or not Alan paid his rent. We don’t care

—————

- Reo and Yose actually met each other at Paris

- Reo visited Yose at the hotel he was staying at and they had lunch together

- Reo went back to Japan first but along the way he has a feeling he forgot something

- apparently he left his shoes at Yose’s room LOL (he brought some luggage when he visited and had put his shoes there before going to lunch)

- Reo only got his shoes back when Yose brought them back to Japan

——————

- Alan reading a comment: Yuta kun got really macho, he’s so big!

- Reo: TOO BIG it’s really cramped here!

- (Yuta is currently EXPG High School’s principal, he took over Exile Tetsuya last april)

- Ryuto: If you’re a teacher why did you get even more buff than before?

- Yuta: yknow when I go to class and ask them if they have any questions

- Yuta: instead of the material they’d ask me, “How do i get my muscles as big as yours?” LOL

—————

- GENE LIVE TOUR STARTS FROM SEPTEMBER!!!

- (crying like why did they have to use the clip from Mandy’s press conference and cut him out 💀)

- they put a lot of thought into wanting their group name to be included in the tour name so that's why they decided on GENERATIONS 2.0

——————

- Gene opens audition for Support Member!!!!

- they mentioned again that they are not going to add any new member, but they are opening auditions for support members

- (it seems that the support members chosen from this audition will only be supporting through the duration of GENE2.0 tour, so it's not a permanent position)

- (and they should also not to be mistaken with the established GENE SAPOMEN; Taiki, Shogotamu, Shohei, Icchan, Makochan)

- they have a website for anyone interested and it mentioned that they accept pro or amateurs

- before this they have always had various groups as supporting members of their choosing but the idea of opening auditions was something they've thought about for sometime already

- thats why they didnt limit the audition to pros or amateurs only and open for all

- Reo: We want to share this experience of standing on stage performing together with us. Maybe there are professionals who have always wanted to work together with us. Or maybe you're an amateur that hasn't debuted yet or someone who just has a dream of standing on an arena stage. We welcome everyone

- the audition site also mentioned that they accept participants of all gender

---------

Please look forward to the new evolved GENERATIONS!

[choccy-milky]

Hi! I started reading your story sometime in the last week and I’m OBSESSED! I normally don’t have much patience and can’t get myself to read anything past like 15k or anything that’s still being worked on, but your story hooked me almost instantly! I really liked the description and decided to give it a try and I’m so glad I did. The detailed descriptions you give pull me into the story and the way you seamlessly switch points of view feels so natural. I just wanted to let you know how much I’m enjoying reading so far and I’m excited for more! ❤️

AW TYSM😭😭 this means a lot, esp since ive been kinda self conscious about the length of my fic lately (and also how long its gonna end up being once im actually done LMFAO) and ik my chapters have gotten ginormous BAHAHA so im glad that even if you don't usually read long stuff you still gave my fic a try and enjoyed it so much + are looking forward to more!!💖💖so ty again😭🙏 AND as usual i'll be using this to answer other asks:

thank you and AA im glad to hear it!! a lot of people have been telling me ive been inspiring them to draw lately and i love it (im just sorry i dont have any concrete tips to give people other than keep practicing LOL) but good luck and i hope you keep at it!!🥰🥰

GIRL IDK, IDEK HOW LONG THE STORY IS GONNA BE, but assuming im still brainrotted even when its done then YEAH u wouldnt be able to stop me if you tried😊 (im glad you like them so much as well, ty!!😭)

thank you!! and yes i usually have at least a vague idea of what i want in the story before i start, though a lot of it didn't become concrete until i started writing/things evolving from there. i made a big (slightly) vague timeline of the entire fic from beginning to (almost) end, and then i keep fleshing it out from there as the ideas keep coming to me/evolving, and for each chapter i make an even more detailed outline, and THEN i get started on the final chapter. so its a bit of a process bahaha, but the brainstorming is really fun!! as for any advice, im not sure. maybe just brainstorm/write down scenes and ideas that you know for a fact that you want to put in your fic, and then try to find a way to connect them to other scenes from there and work backwards. basically WRITE WHAT YOU WANT TO READ, cuz like im my own biggest fan fr, thats the most important part LMAO

LMFAO speaking of outlining future events.....this may or may not happen in the future/in an epilogue when clora is pregnant and she got those pregnant woman hormones that seb is fighting for his LIFE to keep up with HAHAHA

ive been drawing since i was 4 years old so...a while. LOL. and if you even look back to the beginning of my blog, my first drawings of seb were SO UGLY💀💀 so if you just keep drawing you constantly get better naturally (also in response to the other ask you sent as well, i use clip studio paint to draw!)

AW TYYY. AND YES CLORA WILL HAVE ANOTHER MC MOMENT, the ranrok confrontation is still coming, after all...👀👀 and true, idek who would win if clora and seb duelled again with neither of them holding back, but u are so right. even if clora DID win that would do nothing to change sebs mind about how protective he is LMFAO. THANK YOU AGAIN im glad you like my fic + drawings so much!!💖💖

BAHAHAH in my fic (for smut reasons and so that they could be 17 when they did the nasty) i made clora's bday april 3rd and sebs february 12, so clora is an aries and seb is an aquarius (and yes i just checked and apparently they ARE compatible, so seb can rest. also i just read up on aquarius and damn it unintentionally suits seb so well?? LOL "Aquarius is undoubtedly the most innovative, progressive, rebellious, and humanitarian. " and "They have incredible energy, though they may not always use it wisely. They find it easy to get through life on charm and good looks." LMFAO. ok king we love that

[roo-bastmoon]

Thoughts on Yoonmin Suchwita

Just a quickie write up of my first impressions as I'm slammed with deadlines at work today.

Of course Park Jimin brought Yoongi a birthday cake and serenaded him. Of course he did.

How touching to learn Yoongi bought Jimin his first alcoholic drink to help him through his soulmate dumpling fight!

Early in the year Jimin was in a huge funk and drank a lot (I WONDER WHAT COULD BE THE REASON), but then he snapped out of it for Las Vegas and spent 10 months obsessively working on his album, in which he realized how good he's had it, where he needs to improve, and what he really wants. Amazing creative growth.

So, clearly Yoonmin enjoy pulling each other's pigtails. Hearing Yoongi tease Jimin that he didn't have the body to go shirtless any more... not gonna lie, I sucked in a sharp breath. I am super sensitive to this because of my own disordered eating in the past as a dancer, and I know how Jimin gets dragged online damned near every day for being "Pigman." Frankly, Yoongi should know it, too. But Jimin seemed totally unbothered and they do razz each other about everything, so I'm gonna try and let this go.

The other thing I'm going to try and let go is how hard folks are going to lean into Jimin saying Letter was a fan song. Yes, it was an Easter egg for fans, and yes, he does love us. No, that song is not FOR us and anyone with half a brain gets what is being coded. But I'm not gonna argue about it any more than I'm going to argue about the placement of a J over an M tattoo that keeps being retouched while the others are neglected. If you want plausible deniability, Jikook will always give it to you. Have at it.

Anyway, I was so moved by all the wonderful things Yoongi said, in between teasing Jimin--how proud he was of Jimin, how hard he worked, practicing every single day, that he was a genius, that he always knew Jimin had the unique voice to be a great singer, that he wanted Jimin on his team from day one... that of course he will come to the music shows to support Jimin. Yoongi doesn't typically gush so this warmed my heart.

The way Yoongi kept insisting Jimin come appear on stage while he's on tour and Jimin eventually agreeing that he will. (Roo is going to try very, very hard not to hope he will come to Newark. More than likely Jimin will visit Yoongi on a stage is Asia and that's cool. It's all cool. If Roo saw Park Jimin in person this April, she would combust.)

It was made clear that the members are responsible for their solo promotions and have a heavy say in their albums so I hope that kills any rumors that the company is forcing a narrative or picking favorites. Everything is unfolding how the Tannies wish it to and that's good enough for me to get behind it.

I love how Jimin said that there's no difference between Park Jimin and Jimin of BTS--how he wants to keep going as a team until they are in their 80s--how what he looks forward to most is getting back together in 2025.

Also the way he kept hinting at another album (and the way Yoongi called him out on that--Yoongi pulled no punches, goddamn.)

It was adorable the way they made each other giggle about product placements, fan calls, fan challenges and the like. These two. I'm so glad Yoongi has Jimin and the other members to get silly with. And Jimin laughed til he cried. It was healing to see.

I love that they keep in touch with Jin, that they bring Jin mulhue, that they are happy he's at a healthy weight now.

I'm a little thrown about Yoongi mentioning grandkids but then bisexuals exist and there's been rumors he's dating a woman for a while now. I am not going to dig into it because that's his business. If Yoongi wants a family someday, awesome sauce. If Yoongi doesn't, awesome sauce. I mean this sincerely--I support all 7 wherever they go on their journeys. Even if Jikook don't end up together, I'll be sad about it, but I'm still in this Bangtan shit for life. I'm OT7, and Jimin ult biased, then a Jikook supporter. I happen to believe that Jikook are very much together but being very careful about showing that openly, but if you think otherwise, or it ends up being otherwise, that's honestly okay.

I will just say I'm loving that Yoongi gave Jimin a gift of pillow mist spray in Jungkook's and Jimin's favorite scent of lavender.

Mostly just happy to see our boys so happy.

PS. The bottles in this shot are signed by Jin and Hobi. *wibble*

[sabo-has-my-heart]

IMW Ch. 11 You Make Me Happy

The next chapter in the Isekai'd to the Modern World Series that I've been meaning to get out for months! Seriously, since like April/May. For those of who have been enjoying the series, or at least looking forward to the next chapter, I hope you enjoy this one as well.

Warnings: light angst,

Word Count: 1160

     Unpacking the last box, Ace quickly tore the cardboard box apart and tossed it into a pile of destroyed cardboard. You’d told him to break the boxes down once he unpacked them. Okay, this probably wasn’t what you had meant, but they were broken, they could be ‘recycled’ and the stuff was unpacked, what did it matter how he did it? He hadn’t had a whole lot of fights since he’d absolutely destroyed those three guys in one night, meaning that he had a lot of free time while the underground fights tried to figure out what to pit him up against next. Though it honestly made him chuckle. Nothing this world could throw at him would compare to going up against Pops. The strongest man alive and he’d gotten the man to take him seriously. He highly doubted these guys he was fighting could throw him through a solid wood wall. Meaning that he really wasn’t concerned. Besides, he was making them good money so far. 

     People here kept underestimating him, though he’d started using that to his advantage. These last couple of fights, he’d been making small ‘mistakes’ here and there, letting himself get ‘hit’. Just enough that people would bet against him, meaning that when he ‘miraculously won’, the people running the fights got the money they wanted. With each fight he ‘improved’ just enough to make things look realistic. In reality, it was all just a facade. The ‘hits’ that he sustained barely even bruised, the young man pulling back just enough to not take the full brunt of the hit while still making it look like he’d taken a punch. The ‘mistakes’ he’d made, purposefully left him open to an attack, allowing his opponent to attempt a swing at him. He was still keeping up his end of the bargain with you. He wasn’t throwing fights, he wasn’t taking bribes, and he hadn’t sustained any serious injuries. Technically he didn’t even count the light bruising as a real injury, but you still fretted over him. 

     In his free time between studying, fights, learning about your world, and, in the last 2 weeks, unpacking, he kept up on his fighting skills. Heading to the gym in the underground fighting building to make sure he wasn’t getting rusty. Was a punching bag a great training tool? Not really, but nobody could really match him in a fight so he didn’t have anybody he could spar with. Fuck, he missed the crew. Fighting against Thatch and Marco, training his abilities on random islands; Marco wouldn’t let him train his devil fruit powers on the Moby Dick after he’d started a rather large fire. Laughing as he helped train new recruits to learn haki. He was a logia type, they couldn’t hit him without it, so while their punches might still be weak, if they managed to land a blow, it meant they were improving. Vaguely he wondered if Luffy had learned any haki yet. The boy had shown some conquerors haki at Marineford, had he learned anything about using it yet? Even the slightest thing would give his little brother the edge. 

     Picking up some of the things he’d unpacked, he started putting them where you’d directed him earlier, smirking when he set the last book on the shelf. He hadn’t touched your room, but this meant that the rest of the apartment was now unpacked. Hopefully it would make your life easier. You were still doing so much for him, studying hard to keep the apartment while helping him save up money. He’d suggested putting it towards schooling like you were doing, afterall, you did say he’d need some sort of education, but you’d just shaken your head. Apparently he needed documentation for college too. Was there anything in this damned world that he didn’t need documentation for?! Legal jobs, college, a bank account, a ‘drivers license’, out of country travel, renting an apartment on his own, owning property, marriage, ‘insurance’, fucking everything! 

     Grabbing some of the boxes, he stomped out of the apartment to get rid of the boxes. Things were unnecessarily complicated in your world and it irritated the fuck out of him. He needed to get back to his world so he wouldn’t have to deal with this shit anymore! That thought suddenly brought him back to the real world. Back to his world… back to Pops, Marco, and the others; back to Luffy, back to a world that hated him on principle. Back to a world without you. There were so many things he loved about his home, so many things he missed, so why did the thought of leaving hurt so much? Why did his heart clench so badly? Running a hand through his hair, he leaned against the door as soon as he’d closed it. The longer he was here, the more the idea of leaving seemed to hurt, he didn’t understand it. 

     Slowly heading to his room, he looked at the pile of books. He wasn’t in the mood to study right now; he wasn’t in the mood to do anything right now. Pulling his knees close, he wrapped his arms around his legs. Something in his chest ached, something inside of him hurt so badly. He hadn’t cried since he’d lost Sabo, yet right now, it’s all he wanted to do. Torn between the two worlds, his heart stabbed over and over, and a feeling of hopelessness filling every cell in his body, he let himself cry. In the privacy of his own room, he let the silent tears soak into his shorts. No matter what happened, whether he was able to return or not, whether he chose to return or not, his heart would ache as he lost somebody close to him. 

     It had only been a few months, yet he already cared for you, he didn’t want to lose you, but you had family and responsibilities here. His brother and the crew would understand if he stayed, they’d smile and wish him luck, they’d want nothing more than his happiness and maybe, just maybe, a letter if he found a way to send one. Luffy had understood when he’d left to become a pirate, the crew knew that people came and went as life took them in various directions, all any of them ever wanted was his happiness; but the thought of never seeing them again tore at his very being. He didn’t know how long he sat there and cried, only that he’d run out of tears by the time he heard the front door open. You were home and while his heart still ached at the prospect of choosing, knowing you were back brought a comforting warmth to him. Wiping away his tears, he stood up, he could really use to talk to you right now, to be around you right now, for no other reason than because you made him happy.

[heir-less]

The dumber and more incoherent PR is usually from Kensington Palace. - ROFLing at this 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 only because w&k think themselves so superior and they think all their strategies are "long-term", but they are absolutely nothing when it comes to Charles' pr games! As much as I despise everyone in that family, I dislike w&k more, ONLY because they never get called out, for anything! At max it'll be couple of hours or a day of uproar, then they'll bring out the kids and everyone will go gaga over them again. I'm soooooooo looking forward for this war between KP and BP!

Did I lie, a lot of the KP PR is just one-note and stupid and doesn't help William and Kate at all? Like, here are some examples of glaring PR flubs that are laughable if you think about it for 0.5 seconds:

William's "interest" in homelessness is framed as a long-time passion he inherited from Diana, but William has never done anything notable for the homeless and he comes off as pompous because he's just sitting on a money pile while saying "Wow, someone should help these people, OMG, something needs to be done!" The interview where he said "any one of us could be a few steps from homelessness" was so rich, I thought it was a joke.

Kate's rotating hobbies and "passions" that either come and go (textiles, sustainability, the piano, baking) or are seasonal interests that are ignored outside of slices of the year (scouts, tennis, photography)

Mental illness "advocates" who demonize therapy when it suits them. William has a "toolbox" of needs or whatever but can't find a clue in the damn thing

William got COVID in April 2020, hid it at the time, but then when KP maybe accidentally leaked it that November they reported it as if he was on death's door, aka it would have caused alarm had the public known. They also did not disclose when or where he isolated, making it seem like he exposed his entire family at Amner Hall. The whole thing was a mess.

William's work with football players has regressed to him just attending games and making "Good Luck" videos. Remember Heads Up? What happened to talking about mental health and football? I can only assume he gave up after he kept putting his foot in his mouth during the documentaries and podcasts.

Kate saying she'll work less until her kids are in their twenties, but also, oh, she's ready to step up and work hard as Princess of Wales. She is the "Top CEO"

Meghan was bad for being political and ambitious but Kate still wants to do these things on a way bigger scale for some reason

Kate being compared to the Queen Mother on her 40th birthday but then "rebranding" into a modern, innovative, pantsuit-wearing business-savvy, lady-boss the very next year

Kate is Diana, Meghan, and Elizabeth II with her fashion choices. All of these women occupied different periods of fashion history and have very different tastes.

The entire Caribbean tour was an incoherent slog that was tone-deaf at best

William talking about sustainability in Dubai of all damn places

Kensington Palace doesn't know what they're doing. They often just throw stuff at the walls and sees what sticks.

[obsessedwithtoomanythings]

The Terrifying Ordeal of Falling in Love with Leon Kennedy

CHAPTER 4

Pairing: Leon Kennedy x Reader (female reader)

Series Warnings: Minor injuries, Leon teases reader a lot, Strangers to Friends to Lovers, Mutual Pining, Drinking, Drinking followed by driving, DO NOT DO THAT THIS IS FICTION, Anxiety, Leon S. Kennedy has PTSD, Leon has an anxiety attack, Anxiety Attacks, Swearing, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Nightmares, Leon S. Kennedy has Nightmares, Cuddling & Snuggling, Probably incorrect medical talk, Strangulation in one tiny little scene, Reader's brother was a cop who was KIA, Slow Burn, Slow Build, Grief/Mourning, Christmas Fluff, Mistletoe, Fluff and Smut, Eventual Smut, Arguing, Love Confessions, Looking for Alaska is mentioned, Inconvenient Love Confessions, Penis In Vagina Sex, Dirty Talk, Dirty Thoughts, Oral Sex, Cunnilingus, Leon loves eating Pussy change my mind, Shower Makeout, romantic smut, Desperate Leon S. Kennedy, They are both desperate for each other tbh, They say I love you as they come, Scar Kissing, Enthusiastic Consent, Always pee after sex, UTI PREVENTION, POV First Person, No use of Y/N

Words: 3.4K

Masterlist

April 2004

Take a bottle, shake it up

Break the bubble, break it up

Pour some sugar on me

Oh, in the name of love

-Pour Some Sugar On Me, Def Leppard

So that’s why he told me to wear pants.

“Oh no. No way. Absolutely not,” I stutter, hands shaking as I tuck them under my armpits anxiously. “I’m not getting on that thing.”

“Come on, it’s perfectly safe! I even have a helmet for you.” He’s laughing and smiling more than I have ever seen, holding up a sleek black helmet with one hand, having lifted the visor of his own already, exposing a large grin accompanied by pink cheeks.

“Leon, do you know how many motorcycle accidents there are in a year? Like 82,000!” I ramble, voice pitching up into an almost comically high tone. “And do you know how many of them are fatal? 7%, Leon!”

“Well then, we’ll be the other 93%.” He is laughing, a bright smile spread across his face, and for a brief second, the thought of ‘he’s never looked this handsome’ flits through my mind. “Come on, I promise I won’t let us crash.”

“Leon, I can’t… What if I don’t-” I stumble over words, voice practically vibrating with nerves.

“I trusted you,” he starts, swinging his leg off the bike to stand in front of me, unused helmet still clasped between his fingers, which are clad in fingerless gloves, almost perfectly blending in with the black leather jacket he donned for the evening. “I need you to trust me too.” With slow movements and a serious expression, he brings the helmet up, lifting the visor before pressing it down onto my head. The squeeze is tight, not uncomfortably so, but enough that I notice it around my forehead and ears. Leon lowers his eyes to be level with mine, baby blues picking me apart just like in the infirmary. “I won’t let anything happen to you, sweetheart.” ‘Now that’s a nickname I could get used to.’ My brain supplies before I feel my stomach explode into a cacophony of butterflies. Swinging back onto the seat effortlessly, I’m brutally hit with the knowledge that he is probably this graceful all the time, being STRATCOM’s golden boy.

Hand held out for me, silently asking ‘Do you trust me to keep you safe?’. I sigh, putting my hand on his. That damned smile. Pushing my visor down with his unoccupied hand, he chuckles at my eyes widening.

“Swing your leg over behind me, and then wrap your arms around my waist,” he explains, and, while not nearly as graceful as his movements, I manage to get myself behind him, and the self-consciousness rises when I rest my hands on his waist, unsure and nervous. I feel more than hear his light chuckle as the warmth of his fingers wraps around mine, tugging my hands forward until I’m practically hugging him from behind, my chest pressed tightly against his back. “You got this sweetheart, when I lean, you lean, yeah?” He’s shouting now, trying to be audible through both of our helmets. I nod against his back, helmet accidentally bumping against his, followed by a yelped ‘sorry’ from me.

The bike whirs to life, rumbling beneath me, and I can barely breathe for a moment, fear causing me to cling even tighter to his middle. He knows I won’t be able to hear him, so instead of words, his hand comes down to mine, giving it a gentle squeeze. A silent ‘I’ve got you’. Then he takes off.

My hands are cramping, probably causing horrid-looking creases in his pristine jacket, crescent-shaped indents in the fine leather. Eyes squeezed shut, bathing my sight in a pitch black darkness, barely able to take a breath without feeling like puking; the only thing I feel is the chill of the wind as it whips past us and down the gaps in my own jacket and up the bottom of the helmet, and the pain in my fingers from clutching on Leon almost too tightly. Thankfully, leaning with him when he turns is fairly easy, just following his movements as he makes them.

Warmth encapsulates one of my hands, and I wonder what it could be for a brief moment before realizing Leon has placed one of his hands on top of mine. He gives it one, two, three reassuring squeezes, not moving it away, but almost more to get my attention. I almost ignore the gesture, but ultimately decide against it, raising my head from where I was resting it against his back as I open my eyes. His hand moves from mine, only for a second, just long enough to point toward the left, and my gaze follows.

Holy shit.

The lights from the capital shine bright against the darkness of the sky and across the water, painting the city in a whole new way in my vision. The Washington Memorial stands proudly in the center, drawing my eyes to it, and the gasp that leaves my throat is unstoppable. Leon’s chest rumbles against mine, presumably in a light chuckle, before the view vanishes. The bright yellows of the lights in the tunnel are a sight that I’ve become so used to, but this? This is so different. I can feel myself beginning to smile, and my grip loosens slightly, just enough so that my fingers have a break from their terrified grip. The agent’s hand holding mine tightens, more so holding my hand and lifting it from his abdomen to be straight up, feeling the wind flying through my fingers and I giggle at the chill that suddenly doesn’t feel so terrifying anymore. His hand drops and I feel the bike rev underneath us before we pick up speed, not enough to cause me to drop my hands, but enough to feel it. I can’t help but feel like the tunnel pulls away from around us, fresh cool air brushing against my fingers as DC is within view again. Dropping my hand back down to tenderly rest against his chest, palm pressing against his steadily beating heart, I swear I feel him take a quick intake of breath at the touch as I tug myself into his warmth again.

He’s incredible.

My knees shake as my legs are now forced to support my weight once again as Leon helps me off of the bike, holding my hand as I giggle like a drunk girl who has had one too many.

“You good?” He asks with his own smile, laughing at my adrenaline-induced high.

“That was amazing. You do that every day?” I gasp, my hands finding his biceps as he steps off the motorcycle himself and removes his helmet before reaching up to help me with mine.

“Whenever I need to go somewhere, yeah.” I can feel my hair sticking out at every angle, and I reach up with shaking hands to try and tame the atrocity that must be my hair. “Here,” he offers, fingers running through the strands to calm them down, and once he’s satisfied with how it looks, he gives me a smile that causes my heart to jump within my chest.

“Are you an adrenaline junkie?” I quiz, curiosity piqued.

“Nope. You might be though, given how much you’re shaking.” The comment isn’t lost on me, and I roll my eyes, still trying to steady my knees. Leon’s hands grip mine to set them on his biceps again, attempting to assist me in regaining the functions of my legs. My thoughts run again, remembering the feeling of unwavering freedom as the wind blew past us.

“You’re amazing,” I mumble, catching his eyes, and for the first time, I see his cheeks dust pink in a soft blush.

“Speak for yourself, sweetheart.”

The bar is loud, tables littered around the dark oak bar, the crowd chattering amongst themselves. Thankfully no one is shouting, that is, until a woman in a red leather jacket spots us. Well, Leon.

“Leon! Over here!” She gestures wildly, and Leon rolls his eyes at her antics.

“She’s probably already had a few,” he mumbles to me, hand grabbing mine to tug me along behind him, my heart skipping inside my chest again. You cannot fall for him. He is the first ‘friend’ I’ve had since college. Do. Not. Fall. For. Him.

“Leon, you actually made it, holy shit!” A Hispanic man yelps, arm coming up to clap Leon on the shoulder as we approach, then his eyes find mine. “And you brought a lady along.” The surprise is evident.

“Carlos, this is my friend.” Introductions are made, and I find myself almost struggling to keep up, given the high energy of Carlos and the woman in the red jacket, who I have learned is named Claire. Next to Claire is a bulky man with close-cut brown hair and a light stubble named Chris. Claire’s older brother, apparently. Jill, Chris’ girlfriend and coworker stands nearby, short chestnut bob cut framing her angular face. She definitely looks like a cop. Then there’s Carlos, the man from before. Tan skin, and curly black hair that hangs down just below his jaw, which is covered in it’s own dark stubble. They are all muscular and strong, and I quickly learn they are all in some form of law enforcement or government work, except Claire, who is an investigative journalist for the Washington Post. Talk about feeling intimidated. Leon leans closer, taking note of my wide eyes, watching as my shoulders sink in inferiority.

“You want a drink?” He invites, hand resting on the small of my back, heat seeping through the thin tee shirt now that my jacket has been removed, placed securely in the compartment of his bike parked outside. I nod stiffly, following his warmth through the slowly thickening crowd around us. Arms resting against the lacquered wood, cooling my own heated skin, bodies warming the air that I bring into my nose with heavy breaths. Leon’s arm comes up, grabbing the attention of the burly man behind the bar, and he nods, an unspoken ‘be right with you’. My eyes are unfocused, darting between the bottles lining the wall and the people who get just a tad louder than the rest of the room. Fingers rise up in front of me, snapping suddenly, pulling my attention to the blonde hair and blue eyes of the man beside me.

“What?” I ask, sounding as breathless as I feel.

“I asked if you were alright.” Leon has to lean in close enough that I can feel his breath against my temple, spearmint entering my senses. I nod, hand coming up to brush loose hair strands from my face. “I know they can be a bit intimidating, but I promise they are all really nice. If you can handle my attitude, you’ll be okay with them,” he reassures with that shy blush again. “They are all much nicer than me.” I laugh at that, a nervous sound that rips from my throat unbidden.

“I don’t know how that’s possible. You are the nicest person I have ever met.” The sarcasm practically drips from my words, finding comfort in the agent’s proximity. He snorts a laugh, clearly feeling better now that he knows I’m not completely uncomfortable. The bartender steps over, a white towel slung over his shoulder.

“What can I get you two?” Leon orders a whiskey on the rocks, then looks at me expectantly.

“Just a beer.”

“Wanna do a shot?” He implores, eyes showing a mix of excitement and curiosity.

“A shot? Don’t you have to drive a motorcycle in a bit?” My hand slaps across his arm in a teasing gesture, and he fames injury, an overexaggerated ‘oof’ leaving his lips.

“I can have one now and be fine to drive within an hour or so, I promise.” My gaze must be showing doubt because he tacks on his own eye roll. “I promised you’d be safe. And I always keep my promises.” The bartender sets the drinks down on the counter, glass tapping against the wood before I speak.

“Cinnamon whiskey.”

“Woman after my own heart. Can we get two shots of the Jack Fire?”

“Not Fireball?” I tease, taking a swig of the cold beer, the lip of the bottle brushing against my mouth to clear that heavy feeling that had settled in my throat.

“The only people who drink Fireball are drunk college students,” Leon laughs, a full-bodied sound. My heart clenches. Don’t. I can’t fall in love with you, Leon. Amber liquid shines against the dim bar lighting, chilled shot glass resting between my fingers as he raises his own glass. An audible clink followed by the sweet bite of cinnamon on my tongue, liquid fire sliding down my throat. Liquid confidence, right? It takes a few minutes before the haziness settles in my gut, finally taking over after a few minutes of being back at the table, Leon’s scent prevalent in my nose, intoxicating me in an entirely different way than the whiskey.

It takes an hour. Claire had insisted on at least 2 more sets of shots, the first tequila, followed shortly by vodka, although Leon and I turned down the second set, downing a shot of water, everyone else at the table being none the wiser as we snickered together like teenagers getting away with having alcohol for the first time.

It takes an hour. Claire’s jacket is thrown across the table, exposed shoulders coated with a thin layer of sweat as we dance on the small but stuffy dance floor, Jill on the other side of us, giggling just as much as we are. So she’s not as scary as I assumed. Carlos is between Claire and myself, an arm thrown casually over her shoulders despite the sweat, much to Chris’ dismay, which I can see clearly from here. Leon’s eyes are trained on Chris as they chat, matching whiskey glasses resting on the table in front of their muscular frames. Carlos has taken to dancing next to Jill now as well, and given her drunken state, I’m not sure she quite notices that he’s dancing a little closer than what her boyfriend may like.

My assumption is quickly proven true as Chris comes up behind her, all broad shoulders and red cheeks, hands possessively landing on her waist and tugging her against his body, beginning a jealousy-induced grind to the fast-paced beat. Carlos sets his eyes on me and I turn to Leon to find his gaze locked on me. I mouth a quiet ‘little help here?’ and he drops his head, almost as if he’s frustrated before downing the rest of his drink. He’s clearly not frustrated, smirk still resting on his handsome features as he makes his way over, sliding between drunken couples lewdly grinding against each other. By the time Carlos has regained his focus on me, Leon is already there, hands on my waist, the point of his nose brushing against my forehead for a split second, as we begin to move. Given that we are half as tipsy as the people around us, it’s harder to find a rhythm, hips swaying without his previous practiced ease as my hands land on his shoulders.

“You don’t dance?” I basically have to shout just for him to be able to make out the words before he shakes his head vigorously.

“I suck at dancing. Never had anyone who was fun to dance with either.” His lips are brushing against my ear, and it takes every ounce of strength I have to contain the full-body shiver that overtakes my spine. Can’t stop the goosebumps that rise across every inch of exposed skin.

“But you’ll dance with me?” The surprise in my voice is evident. Way to sound confident there.

“If only to save you from Carlos’ horrid bump-and-grind, yeah. I actually enjoy having you around, can’t have you scaring cause of that,” he commented, chin gesturing to Claire and Carlos, who are locked in some kind of awkward embrace that looks like they are just bumping hips every few seconds. My hand comes away from his shoulder to cover my mouth, containing the embarrassingly loud laugh that almost broke free. Turning back to my unexpected dance partner, still expecting to find his eyes on Carlos and Claire, imagine my surprise when I find those blue orbs locked on my face. Turning bright red under his scrutiny, I duck my head, breaking eye contact with a light giggle, the alcohol still coursing through my veins. ‘Don’t do anything stupid.’ I aggressively remind myself.

“They look like two birds in some weird mating dance,” I whisper yell into Leon’s ear and am gifted with the breathtaking sound of his laugh.

“I think I saw that video. The one with the…”

“The hooded grebe!” He looks at me with a look that screams ‘how the fuck do you know that?’. “I like reading.” Not that that really explains much, but it’s enough for Leon apparently, shoulders shrugging underneath my hands before he looks at his watch.

“It’s almost 2. Do you want me to take you home?” Holy shit it got late.

“Yeah, that’s probably a good idea,” I agree, his hand finding mine again as he tugs me toward Chris and Jill.

“We’re gonna head out!” Leon yells over the deep thump of the music. Chris nods as Jill’s eyes find me, slightly behind Leon’s much larger frame.

“Bring her around more, Kennedy! She’s fun!” She yelps, almost too loud, catching Claire’s attention. Claire rushes over to me, pulling me into a sweaty, crushing hug. I squeeze her back, unoccupied hand resting on her back with a smile and a giggle.

“Oh, gimme your number quick!” Claire exclaims yanking away from the hug, her hand digging in her jean pocket for her phone. I take my own out, exchanging numbers with her while Leon looks on with a small smile I can barely make out from the corner of my vision. Pulling me into one last hug, Claire finally backs up again, nearly tripping over Carlos as he sends me a small wave. I wave back as Leon begins tugging us toward the exit.

The cool air washes over me and I release a groan at the heavenly sensation, which forces a smile from Leon.

“You just orgasm, sweetheart?” My mouth drops open in a shocked smile, trying to hold in a laugh at the vulgar comment. I smack him on the arm, although I doubt it feels like anything more than a tickle to him.

“You’re gross,” I reply, still containing my building grin.

“You’re trying not to laugh though.” He’s not wrong. Handing me my jacket, I hesitate to put it on, enjoying the cooling air on my warm flesh. Leon senses that hesitation. “Trust me, you’ll wanna put that on. The air might feel nice now, but it won’t feel like that when we are cruising down the highway at 70 MPH,” he explains, and I blush at his ability to practically read my mind before sliding the fabric over my arms and zipping it up. Looking up, I see Leon slide his arms into his own jacket, the leather practically molding to his stature, and I have to contain a groan at the sight as he zips it. I completely lose focus for a moment, only brought out of it as his fingers knock against my forehead teasingly. “Penny for your thoughts?”

“Sorry, but my thoughts cost a dollar,” I sass, taking the helmet as he hands it to me and pulling it onto my head.

“Well, remind me to start saving up.” Another godforsaken wink. Fuck. Don’t. Leon, I’m begging you. Don’t make me fall in love with you. I can’t. He sits on the bike, offering me his hand again to help me across before he stops me. “Hold on.” His fingers land on the zipper that rests right below my breasts, tugging it over the cleavage til it rests below my chin. He casts his eyes up toward me, and I can’t tell if the pink on his cheeks is from the chill in the air, the heat from the bar, or embarrassment. He recovers quickly enough, pushing the visor down over my face before I clamber onto the bike behind him, arms wrapping around him again, much more comfortably this time around. The bike rumbles to life, and he laughs before yelling to me over the hum of the engine.

“Hold on tight, adrenaline junkie!”

Leon: @house-of-kolchek @bonnibuckets @athanasia-day @muffimtv Everything: @chaosandbubbles @kassiekolchek22 @akiramoon8088

[somewherenot-here]

Meeting my favorite celebrity - imagine [lol]

I'm walking down the street minding my business when y/n walks by. I actually happen to recognize you!

I see you aren't on your phone, or looking too busy as you walk your dog.

"Oh wow!" I said shyly as I approach. "Silly question, but are you y/n?"

You blush, looking a little shy to be recognized. "Ah, yes. That is me, actually."

I smile. "Oh cool! I love your work! You really inspire me as an artist! May I pet your dog."

You smile. "Really? Thanks. Sure! Her name is April!"

I bend down and pet the cute, wolf like pup. "What a good girl, April!" I coo.

"What's your favorite work I've done?" You ask.

I think for a moment. "Hm... hard to pick. I've seen a lot of your stuff back when I had more time, but forgive me for being a bad fan these days. Still, you really brought me comfort and peace in a time when I was lonely and had none."

You smile. "Thanks so much! Sharing so much of my work wasn't always easy, but it brings me comfort, too." You pause. "Actually, wait..." you go through your phone and pull out a picture. "You did this fanart, right? Lots of dots?"

My eyes widen in surprise. "Holy- YOU REMEMBER THAT?" I stand, excited, but cautious not to worry your dog. "Yes!" I say, my own cheeks red. "I can't believe you remember that!!!"

You smile warmly. "You sent me a really sweet message when I was thinking about giving up, actually."

"Oh wow!" I look around, feeling quite shy. "It's an honor to have been able to support you."

"I thought you were a crazy fan. You wrote some imagines back in the day... people straight up thought that was me."

I shuffle awkwardly. "Hope that didn't mess things up for you."

"Well, I didn't want people thinking I used an android. That was embarrassing."

I giggle.

"Okay, so... your voice sounds familiar. You're not... alixamore from Resident Evil 5 are you?"

Caught off guard, I stumble a bit as I shuffle my feet, your dog has taken deep interest in a nearby tree. "Well, shit man, I can't believe that was you. And Richmond totally reminded me of-"

"YES! Holy shite, you remember that?"

"Yes! Lady GaGa fan, worked at a clothes shop. Sounded suspiciously familiar. You never spoke!"

"Okay, I have to know... that ONE time that you were doing well and talking... that was your dad, right?"

"Stepdad, and nope! Wow, I can't believe YOU remember that! I knew you didn't think I could get that good! I worked really hard to be able to keep up with you guys!"

"Damn. What happened after that?"

"Ah, my dad took over my account. Life got... intense."

"How've you been since?"

I think, staring at the tree. "I certainly have been," I laugh. I rock back and forth on my feet. "Uhh... sorry about the sexual stories. And the photos hopped picture of you and your friend. It was meant as a joke, and-"

"I'm over it. And the imagines weren't even that sexual. Always kept to top stuff." You laugh.

"I didn't want it to get too graphic. I was 19. Most of your fans were younger."

"The one you wrote about [his name] and the fan cutting... that was actually really sweet. It didn't romanticize the situation at all. I always appreciated that."

I'm stunned. "I can't believe you remember all of that."

"I can't believe you do, either. I thought you were already a famous author or something, not gonna lie." Your dog barks at a local squirrel, charging off. You jolt forward a bit and I instinctively move to steady you, but catch myself. Boundaries.

"Well, April's getting antsy. I should probably get going." You look down the sidewalk, then back at me. "You want to exchange numbers? I'm not in the States often, but it could be nice to chat sometime."

I can't believe this. Seems too good to be true, but I nod and pull out my phone. "Sure! What's your number?"

You take it from my hand and enter the digits, the handle to the lead wrapped around your wrist securely. You take a photo and text yourself immediately. "I'll message you soon." You say with a smile, handing me the phone back.

"Looking forward to it." I think for a moment. We both stand there, not quite ready to move. "Anyway, um... thanks again. I know I just know your work, but you've been a voice for the voiceless. I'm glad I've met you."

You pause, still not wanting to leave yet yourself. "Ocean city... 2004 ish. That was you, right? Camping?"

My heart flutters in my chest. "How do you remember that?"

"Ah, your face hasn't changed at all. You remember, too? I can't believe that! But... you also looked a lot like you did in that old proboards video." I thought about it a bit retroactively, but was always too shy to say anything.

"Wow, yeah. You remember a lot. Good memory."

I laugh. "I suspected, but... okay wait. One more question. Were you... Mar?"

Your freckled cheeks flush red again. "Perhaps..." you bite your lip, hesitant, but get a text. "I've got to go. But... I'll text you."

I grin and nod excitedly. "I look forward to hearing from you!"

You smile, and head off.

I watch you for a moment in disbelief. I can't believe it's you. My old roleplaying partner was one of my favorite youtubers the entire time. I wonder if you still roleplay. Our stories never got very far, but damn if I don't think about you often. I'm glad to know you've grown up well. I'm glad to know you're successful. I walk my own way, putting my music on full blast.

Life is funny sometimes. I wish we both could have grabbed a coffee and spent the rest of the day catching up, but I probably need to process all this anyway. I want to tell you I've missed you, but you said to wait. I've got a million things I'm trying to fix in my own life, anyway.

And, well, I'm a pretty patient person. I enjoy the rest of my walk and I'm glad to see you've finally got yourself a nice dog to look after.

[rubiatinctorum]

Okay honesty time i am SO stressed out!!! i had a busy Friday and then waited a really long time to make a marketplace sale on Saturday and one of the people was a no-show and i had/have too many things listed — to the point there were things i realised i wanted to keep and not sell!!! and last time i did this i was like 'ok, purpose served and nothing lost, take the listing down and put it back where it belongs in my room no problem' and that was that — but tonight i'm feeling really sad about it!!!!! like oh no i accidentally almost sold things i love!!! even though they didn't get sold and i still have them and there's no harm done and there's no evil in thinking about selling something. it's a betrayal to no one and nothing if i almost made the wrong call but didn't. but now i feel bad and awful and terrible and based on the time of the month and other recent symptoms i think i might just be nearly ready to start my period again, i cry really easily a day or two before over things i can normally act normaler about. anyway soon i have to arrange sale meetings for things and pester people who no-showed if they want an alternate time (as if that's not foolish as hell bc hello!!! they didn't show the first time!!!!) and ask the people who've been pending on sales now for a while if they even want the thing (implication: damn are u even decided on this bc ur not moving to like. buy it or anything). one customer in particular is really trying my patience bc she won't confirm one way or another whether she wants something AND she's trying to bring the price down. it's already discounted!!! i can't sell it for less than that!!!! im already losing lots of money on what i paid for it i cannot bring it down even further. marketplace used to be fun (like. earlier this week) but now people aren't showing up on time or at all and i'm losing day after day after day to sitting in my living room looking out the window in preparation for someone arriving 30-45 minutes late (side note: i wish many lovely days for the person who arrived not only on time today, but early and still in my window of availability!!!! that was really nice and so much more refreshing compared to many late people lately) and now that i'm out of direct financial crisis but don't feel the motivation to recreationally spend, i feel now like all of this is kind of a chore. it's 11 days into August now and i feel like I made good use of 2.5 days of it. it's a third through the month and i feel like i've wasted most of it online trying to sell sell sell. i don't want to lose the end of the summer like this. Then again what kind of end of summer is it? We've had a few nice weather days, but most of August has been overcast and/or rainy. Not exactly going out weather. God, this sucks. Dull April, May, June weather. Beautiful July weather. Dull August. Then back into autumn. Is this where we're at now? One beautiful and warm month a year? This is the worst year for weather I think I've ever seen, and considering I spent most of the year looking forward to a bit of sun as my main thing to look forward to, this feels kind of sad. I guess I have to get used to going for walks again when it's foggy and rainy, like I did back in May and June. Maybe I'll even take up going to the mall again. I haven't been to the mall in over a month. I don't know what I'd do there, even. anyway i feel a bit better now and less stressed so i guess typing this had some benefit after all. i have a journal, i don't know why i couldn't say all this there, though i did write about some of it. i guess it's easier for me to be a yapper when i'm online. there's just something different about making my inside thoughts into outside thoughts

[thec0untry]

Its like

I completely emptied my life out a few times in the past few years

People possessions passions. New places new jobs new everything

And i never want to do that again

And now it's been a long time since i last did that

And I knew when this time in the mountains started last October and i felt more alone than i think i had ever felt before that what i would be forced to confront in the coming months was this exact loneliness, feel the consequence of enforcing artificial scarcity on everything i know

Life is artless

Life is spilling coffee at the cafe and using my shirt to clean it up before anyone notices

And now october was forever ago but i'm forced to be in the same place. And when i leave this place later this year im going somewhere else i'm going to chicago and i'm going to be really alone there too. all of the people i love are in one place but I can't go back there really i just don't want to go back there. There are people here but they arent mine.

Every day i end up accidentally asking myself: 'why does my life feel so empty?'

Because i emptied it.

But that was a long time ago. Now my life isnt so empty, i've figured out how to not feel so alone and get through every day feeling ok. I talk on the phone a lot. Hours a day.I try not to drink too much.

But i look around at my apartment. Im grateful for this apartment. but it isnt beautiful and i don't own very many things that bring me joy--reading poetics of space--all of the urban limitation of space, none of the urban crush, there is no rhythm...there are bears outside...but these problems are things that naturally evaporate as u continue being alive, no? Like i was seeing this girl and even though she just moved here and was leaving really soon she had a car she loved, and people, and clothes, and decorations. she could bring her place around with her as if turtle. she had a family who she loved. and she hadnt destroyed everything.

It's also really weird being 22 and 0 parent contact no people like that anymore. like fasho everyones on their own by this age but like...people bring parents up a lot. i believe this provides some sort of psychic floor.

not new problems--that is the thing. if i made time line in october 2023: 'what will emotional world be for next year'

october-depressed no money

november-really really depressed. Try to set apartment up.

december- i have money, i m more settled. I m alone. i bought lalique encre noire

january-new year. New air. the obsolescence of the forms that developed by the end of the previous year will be made known. i need new clothes all i Do is work: A few uniqlo orders.

february - What am i doing. i'm ok now but what am i doing. I really want a girilfriend. Everyone is having fun here, i just drive the bus and listen to bladee read books kinda work friends but everyone just talks about skiing idk about any of it. Bored it's cold out

march - Ok i got a girlfriend............wwoooaaahhhhhhh ... springtime(?)

April-my new girlfriend is leaving town FUCK!!!! Everyone is leaving town but i'm not because i need more moneyh to move to chicago.

may-ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm what am i doing. O yea that's right saving money. however, what else

june-what the FUCK am i doing! If im working allthe time i should buy some clothes.

july-Everyone says june july big summer months in this town. A million times from some: "Nick, we're going to get you outside." like ok fasho sitting on rubber things floating on water drinking beer maybe once. Trying not to be antisocial but damn these bruhs are boring

august-probably still alone...maybe visit Las VEgas and see everyone again.

september--i'm leaving...everything is transparent...every wall is pure white...

any i would have been exactly correct!

it is strange to have nothing to look forward to. i think about moving to chicago, it is abstract but also like i think about it: i get there, i get job figured out , i have some apartment with reddit peo[le. there's money again so i don't need to worry too much. But the feeling is not like how i felt moving to nyc: stomach buzz. Because i was doing that with someone. with number 1. but this is just me. undifferentiated sea of me. but i am 22: a young man. there are many people. does anyone have feeling like having people lifetime connections u know will be with u forever cuz theyve already seen u thru crazy? and then the thought of building new friendships of same gravity seems insane? like not even impossible just like...the .last person who entered my life and became a fundamental part of my world was spring2022. so like i just move to chicago and exist there whateva that means and eventually i meet more people who i cant imagine living without? Do it all over again? Because like more banal friendships low key do not interest very much. LIike its love only. But also im older i have less to figure out. a lot less: gratitude! but like now that im fine most of the time what is the fabric of a friendship if it isnt founded on some very basic fractured element of your respective psyches?

But also solitude has revealed many things. one: thinking, hypothesizing about all life is futile. every form takes another form and impermanence is truth. When things actually happen they never feel anything like you expect them to.

i need to keep this sapphire of social life in my mind: be the realest bruh anyone has ever met and everything else will iron itself out.

[contentment-of-cats]

Revenge porn and not in the context of bunny boiling.

I spent most of 2022 trying not to die. March was the rampup to chemo and radiation that ran for five weeks, followed by round two chemo that ran from the end of May through August. I spent September through mid-October recuperating until I broke my shoulder, then had the colon resection, lymphectomy, hysterectomy, ileostomy, and uretal resection in mid-November.

I was a fucking mess. The pain was off the scale. I went home taking 10mg of oxycodone every four hours. It was the end of December that I was declared in remission and celebrated by standing up to take a shower. During all this time, I remember one communication from @cyberwitch85 aka @cordeliaperry about a server and privacy at some point. I don't remember if it was via Discord or DM. At no time did anyone tell me there were issues with her and Drac. Drac did tell me via email that there was a new server and I was invited. I went now and then, but most of what I did was sleep. I did not know that there was Shit Disturbing going on until February of 2023 when this crossed my dash.

I do not ever want anyone to forget that @cyberwitch85 aka @cordeliaperry (aka who knows how many other names she may have) nuked her blog, but screencaps are forever. Threatening someone with releasing their nudes to 'ruin [their] fandom life' is revenge porn, and illegal damn near everywhere.

Hold on tight, this is going to be a long and bumpy ride.

So, in early November, CW enters bunny-boiler mode with Jade.

Then this happens, with Cyber finding a new target and oh everything was just for funsies, dontchaknow. @cyber-glitch85 and @thralaniweek are Cyber as well. Please note, at some point Drac stopped talking to most of his fandom acquaintances.

Fast forward to this year. Totes believable, yes?

Then we got THIS funny shit - screencaps below. How do I know it's This Silly Bitch? Are there that many server mods running around pulling revenge porn shit?

And the comments.

Followed by this unanswered ask.

And then this golden turd - don't know if there were deleted replies in this one.

Followed by Jade saying 'fuck this noise.'

Jade decides she is too old for this shit and posts the whole damn thing. Cyber in typical Cyber fashion, deletes her replies. I am eternally grateful to the people who told me to screencap everything with this silly bitch.

Here are the replies she deleted.

Finally, we get this:

And also we get this from OTNF.

With some folks able to smell what's cooking. It looks like Cyber deleted her replies on this one, too.

In short, bunny-boiling narc goes batshit: threatens revenge porn.

That's it. Full stop. That's the post. Knowing a lot of people were afraid to be exposed in other ways because she collected their information after soliciting their trust as detailed here:

The thing is that narcs specialize in being likeable, trustworthy, leaders. Then they slowly squeeze the air out of everyone around them. I didn't know the extent of that silly bitch's fuckery until March/April and every time I find out more, it just pisses me off.

Revenge porn - she threatened someone with revenge porn. It's right there.

And yes, unfortunately there's more.