#damn bidet

[myspace-dot-com]

we dont use fucking bidets for some reason i'd love to see people make jokes about that

making fun of americans is pretty much always ok if youre not doing it in an edgelord “you guys have so many school shootings” way or acting like we’re the only country that has racism. but like posts about americans and hamburger get me every time

[magratpudifoot]

0133 is not the best time to discover that there is one fewer pack of toilet paper in the house than you thought.

[itoshikinozomu]

Btw beware about intercepting cop shit sometimes the issues last 😑

[sturniololuvrer]

ROLL THE DICE 18+ MDNI

Matt and Chris Sturniolo x fem! reader

Pairings: dom!, rough! Chris and switch! Matt x switch!, fem! reader

Plot: you’re best friends with the triplets and tag along with Matt and Chris to Vegas. While in the hotel room, you all stumble upon an intimacy kit…—based on Matt’s Vegas TikTok!

Warnings: threesome (no incest ew), hanjob, oral (m! receiving), edging, unprotected p in v, creampie, a bit of degration. (sorry if I missed a few this is insane)

Words: 4,253

a/n: I started this in JULY and I’m just now posting this lmfao This is my first time ever writing, so my plot is a little iffy, just bear with me! I really enjoyed writing this, so send me ideas for blurbs and other fics if you want more! Some constructive criticism on the fic itself and my layout is greatly appreciated! Enjoy! xx

You stand in the hallway of a hotel in Vegas, suitcase in hand as you watch Chris struggle to unlock the room you’ll be staying in. You’re best friends with the triplets and you were all invited to Vegas to watch the slap boxing competition. Nick couldn’t come because he was going to a concert, so it was just the three of you for a few days.

You’ve always had a crush on both of them, so being alone with them like this for so long might make something happen (you’re hoping at least). They both feel the same about you, even having talked about it before and deciding if anything were to happen, and you were fine with it, of course, they’d share you.

Chris finally unlocks the door and trudges inside. “God damn, finally.” Matt says rolling his eyes at Chris as he walks inside, you trailing behind him. “Fuck you! My hands were full and it’s not like you were doing anything to help!” Chris bites back. You sigh, annoyed. They’ve been fighting nonstop since we woke up at 5am this morning to get to the airport. Before they can continue, you speak up on how luxurious the hotel is “wow! This place is huge!”

Matt had opened his mouth to yell at Chris but you spoke before he could and they both begin to look around. “Oh my god…I feel like I’m the president or something!” Chris exclaimed. You laugh and grab both of their hands. “Let’s look at the rest of the place!” You all explore the huge place, going from room to room and finish in the living room. You all sit on the couch and decide to relax and watch tv for a while before you have to leave to see the competition.

After a few hours, you go to get ready before them, having to do your hair and makeup. Soon, you finish, sliding a lilac, short skirt on as the finishing touch. You walk out of the bathroom back into the living room where the boys are already ready to leave. You bend down and start putting on your black converse.

Matt and Chris’s eyes rake over your back and ass as you do such a simple task. You quickly stand up and turn around, startling them. “Okay I’m ready!”, you say excitedly. Matt coughs, clearing his throat as Chris replies, “uh yeah- yeah, okay let’s go.” You look at him confused with an eyebrow raised, but don’t say a word and walk to the door.

———————————————————————————————————————

After a long night, you all went to bed as soon as you got back to the hotel. Now, you’re sitting at the dining table the next morning, eating waffles that the hotel provided. “Chris I can’t believe you used the bidet!” Matt grimaced. “Don’t knock it til’ you try it, brother.” Chris replied, mouth full of bacon. “Yeah that’s NEVER happening!” Matt yelled, shivering from disgust at the mere thought of it.

You laugh and stand up, walking to the kitchen to look at the jars of candy the hotel had to offer. They follow you and Matt reaches over you “what’s this?” he asks as he grabs the cylindrical container. You all lean in and read the top of it. ‘Intimacy kit’ is written on it in bold, cursive letters. “WHAT?!” You all scream in unison as Chris snatches it from Matt.

“We have to see what’s in here” he states as he starts pulling the lid off. You groan, face palming “Oh Chris, don’t do it.” “Come on it can’t be that baddd” Matt elbows you playfully. You look at him, unconvinced and look back to Chris as he grabs a small bag of stuff out of the container. “Oh we got a condom...and some horny dice.” He says, looking around the bag before putting the lid back on.

“What dice?!?” You exclaim, grabbing it from him. You pull the lid off and open the bag. “Wow, someone really wants those horny dice”, Chris teases, smirking. “Shut up! I just want to know what’s on them!” You say, not even looking up from the bag as you dig the dice out.

“Oh what the hell!” Matt says, looking at the dice and putting a hand over his mouth, a slight blush creeping up on his cheeks. In your hand there was two dice, on one there was pictures of various body parts and on the other there was words like ‘kiss’, ‘suck’, or ‘bite’. You and Matt look at your hand, horrified at what you’re seeing as Chris just smirks. “Why don’t you give them a roll?” He asks you, getting close to your ear.

You whip your head around at his insinuation and back away from him in shock, right into Matt, forgetting he was there. You stumble slightly, the dice flying over the counter as Matt catches you into his chest, holding your arms. “Ha! You rolled them!” Chris cheers as he quickly checks to see what you accidentally rolled. You stay leaned it to Matt, terrified of what it is. “You rolled a picture of a pair of lips and ‘kiss’!” Chris laughs.

Matt’s fingers that are still holding your arms twitch slightly at his words. You scoff, “okay? What do you want me to do with this information?” You reply sarcastically. “Do it.” He says seriously. You laugh, turning to look at Matt to see what he thinks, expecting him to be just as confused as you, but his face is as serious as Chris’s. You look between the two of them for a second, confused, waiting for them to stop, you’re heart pounding.

After they don’t, you push yourself away from Matt and roll your eyes. “Okay I’m going to my room, come get me when you’re done being freaks.”, you say, assuming they’re pranking you, so you avoid getting your hopes up. As you go to walk away, Matt silently grabs your wrist tightly, making sure you don’t leave. You stop abruptly and turn around, shocked. “Matt? What are you doing??” You look up at him as he’s still silent, his usual bright eyes are now dark, sending a shiver down your spine. You look to Chris, giving him a ‘what’s going on?’ look. He shrugs and says simply, “you rolled the dice.”

You roll your eyes at them both again. “Are you two actually serious??” You yell. They just continue staring at you, seriously, their lips formed into lines. You throw your hands in the air as best as you can as Matt keeps a tight grip on your wrist. “Okay fine! So just to be clear you’re saying you want me to kiss you both….on the lips?!” You yell again. “It’s what the dice said, isn’t it?” Matt finally speaks.

“Oh my fucking god” you groan under your breath. “I knew I should’ve went to see Melanie with Nick.” You say, pinching the bridge of your nose in annoyance. “Which one of you pervs is first?” You finally ask. Matt quickly pulls you closer to him by your wrist and you gasp lightly at his eagerness. Your eyes widen, shocked as you look from Matt to Chris. “What the hell is wrong with you both?” You ask, never seeing them act this way before.

Matt speaks up again, swallowing nervously. “I-I don’t know I just want you so bad”. “F-fuck, me too...” Chris says, coming closer. You gasp at their admissions and look between them. Matt groans lightly before grabbing your wrist again, pulling you to the couch. He pulls you to sit next to him, as Chris sits in the other side of you. You sit there for a moment, looking between them. “You gonna kiss us or what?” Chris says impatiently. “Seriously??” you ask, hoping they were just joking about the whole thing. “Yes! You rolled the dice, now do it!” Chris says sternly.

You look to Matt, hoping he’d let you off the hook, but he just shakes his head. “Some help you are…” you scoff under your breath, turning back to Chris. “Come on! Don’t be a pussy! It’s just a kiss.” Chris taunts. You clench your jaw angrily, Chris’s words getting to you. “God! you’re such a loser, fine!” You roll your eyes and lean into him, kissing him on the lips harshly as you’re angry and annoyed. He quickly grabs your hips and pulls you onto his lap.

“Chris!” You yell, pulling away in shock. He groans lowly, practically whimpering as he speaks, “…been wanting you on my lap for so long…” Before you can answer he grabs the back of your neck and pulls you in for more. Matt watches, patiently waiting his turn as Chris licks your bottom lip, eliciting a gasp from you.

He shoves his tongue in your mouth as it opens and you yelp, gripping his biceps. He explores your mouth before pulling away, a string of saliva connecting you. All you can do is breathe heavily and stare at him in disbelief. He smirks at you before Matt speaks impatiently. “Okay it’s my turn now”, grasping your arm and tugging at you. You get off of Chris’s lap as Matt drags you over and sliding you into his.

Still shaken up from Chris’s previous actions, you nervously lean in to Matt and kiss him. He immediately groans into the kiss, hugging your waist tightly with both arms. You deepen the kiss and he instinctively bucks his hips up into you. You moan lightly into his mouth, feeling him through his pants.

You gain a little more confidence as you slip your tongue into Matt’s mouth just as Chris had done to you minutes ago. He moans around your tongue, dancing his around yours. You begin to grind your hips down onto his, eliciting a breathy groan from him. You continue this for a few minutes, kissing him harshly and swallowing his whimpers.

He pulls away quickly, whining softly “Fuck…I need you so bad…please” Matt begs. Your eyebrows raise at his neediness, you glance at Chris and smirk lightly. “Okay, okay. Calm down.” You reassure Matt, rubbing your hands over his back. He sighs deeply, relaxing into your touch. “Do you want me to touch you?” You ask him. His eyes widen and he nods frantically.

“Y-yes! Fuck! please!” “Okay…I can do that…since you asked so nicely….” You say as you slowly get off of his lap and bring your knees to the carpet in front of the couch, trailing your hands down his body along the way. His breathing becomes heavy and he gulps nervously as he watches you. You glance over to Chris, still seated on the couch a few feet away, his fists are balled up at his sides and his jaw is clenched, visibly upset that you didn’t argue with Matt at all like you had with him over the kiss.

You grin at Chris, sliding your hands up Matt’s thighs to his belt, beginning to undo it and he arches his back into your touch. “How long have you been wanting this? hmm baby?” You ask him, cooing as you remove his belt and rub your hands over his inner thighs. Matt’s cheeks flush a dark red, embarrassed at how he’s acting. “F-fuck! W-way too long…oh god.”

His whining has you clenching around air and moaning lightly. “God damn it…” you groan under your breath. “What? You getting worked up?” Chris asks tilting his head, faux concern lacing his voice. You just glare at him and begin to unbutton Matt’s pants. He groans loudly and lifts his hips, helping you pull them down and you toss them to the floor next to you.

You look down and see that he has a huge wet spot in his boxers from the amount of precum he’s produced. You rub his thighs sympathetically then hook your fingers into his waistband, looking up at him for extra permission. He just nods quickly, his eyes lust-filled. You take that as a yes and slowly pull his boxers down, his dick hitting his stomach as you free him.

He hisses at the feeling of the cold air on him. Your eyes widen at the realization of what you’ve gotten yourself into, he’s huge…and there’s no doubt that Chris is as well. “Oh god….” You gasp out. “What’s wrong? Too big for you?” Chris asks degradingly. You shoot him a glare as you think of what you want to do with Matt.

You decide to mess with him a bit and slowly trail your hands on Matt’s stomach and thighs as close to his dick as possible without touching it. He whines and writhes. “Please! Need you to touch me so bad!” He pleads. You ignore him, wanting to tease him more. As you continue touching around him, you lean down, blowing cool air over his dick. His body arches up off the couch lightly as he moans loudly.

“Please, please, please touch me! Fuck! I- can’t!” You laugh lightly at his desperation before you finally give into him, just barely grazing your pointer finger up the underside of him. He cries out and bucks his hips into your finger. You continue moving your finger up and down, trailing over the veins of his dick.

He whimpers “p-please I need more…” you hush him lightly, cooing “be patient baby…” He lets his head fall against the back of the couch, trying to be good for you. You twirl your finger around his tip, soaking your finger in pre-cum, before wrapping your pointer finger and thumb around it, moving up and down lightly.

He moans as you touch such a sensitive area, bucking his hips into your fingers. You spit some of your saliva down onto his dick before finally wrapping your entire hand around him and pumping slowly. He practically screams your name at the sudden change in pleasure, fucking into your hand. “Oh f- oh god! So good!” He barely gets out.

You slowly start moving faster, each time you reach his tip you slide your thumb over it, making him tremble and whimper. He’s enjoying this so much he feels like he’s going to go insane, his eyes fluttering shut. You grin as you look up at him, watching his reactions. “You okay Matt?…am I doing okay?” You ask lightly.

As soon as you finish speaking he nods frantically, “y-yes! -so good! You’re doing so good! Please- fuck- don’t stop…” he moans. You giggle lightly at his answer before moving faster. After a while he grunts loudly, bucking into your hand “oh fuck! Oh- god! I’m s-so close! please!” He gasps out.

You grin at his pleading and start to move your hand as fast as you can. “Come on Matt…cum for me. You can do it.” You praise as he throws his head back, moaning loudly as thick, white ropes cover your hand and his stomach. You look at him as he’s catching his breath and slowly lick his cum from your hand. Matt moans, bucking his hips lightly and Chris groans from afar at the sight.

You lean down to clean Matt’s tip off next, but before you could, Chris grabs your arm, bringing you back onto the couch. “Do it up here…wanna touch you” he growls. You gasp at his actions before settling on your elbows and knees, pulling Matt into the position you want and slowly lean down, arching your back as you lick his cum from the tip of his dick. Matt moans loudly, shaking at the feeling as he’s becoming overstimulated.

Chris groans at the sight of your legs spread lightly, your clothed ass and pussy just inches away from him. He quickly takes advantage of this and starts moving his hands over your body. You moan lightly as you start to lick up Matt’s dick from his base to his tip over and over again, making him writhe. Chris slips his fingers into the waistband of your shorts, tugging them down harshly.

You yelp lightly at his forceful action, helping him pull them off the rest of the way. You arch your back a bit more to tease him, your ass raising higher. He groans at the side, slapping a hand down over one of your cheeks, making you gasp and jolt into Matt. “C-Chris!” You gasp out, a mixture of shock and arousal coursing through your body. He chuckles darkly at that, “don’t act like a tease if you don’t wanna get treated like one…”

You whimper softly at his words, trying to keep up your sarcastic attitude, but nothing comes to mind so you just lay there, your hand slowly stroking Matt, the only sound is his heavy breathing and small whimpers. Chris chuckles again, moving to drape his body over your back, nipping at your ear as he whispers into it. “mmm what happened to that little mouth of yours?” You just huff softly, annoyed at his words, but too desperate to fight him.

Chris smirks, enjoying that you’re not fighting him as he wraps his arms around your waist, pushing his cold fingers up your shirt, making you shiver. He trails them over your stomach and sides languidly, teasing you. After a while and you start to huff and squirm, he glides his hands up, skimming his fingers over the lace of your bra. He leans forward a bit, nipping at your ear again, a little harder before speaking, “Can I take more of your clothes off?” You nod softly, sitting up a bit to make it easier.

He grins, sliding your shirt off quickly. He takes in the sight of your bra as best as he can from the angle he’s at before he slides his hands over your back, unclasping it. You help him slide the straps down your arms. Both of them practically drool at the sight of your freed tits, making you blush softly.

Chris doesn’t waste any time, kneading them both in his hands which forces a moan from you. He chuckles, rolling your nipples in his fingers. “Fuck!” You gasp out, writhing at the feeling, which causes you to grind into him. He groans, pinching them, which elicits a loud whine from you. “Chris!” You call out, grinding into him more.

He grunts, his hips bucking into you involuntarily. He can’t take it anymore, sliding his hands to your back and pushing your upper body back into Matt. You grip Matt’s thighs and arch your back for Chris again, bringing your knees up more. Chris hums approvingly, sliding his hands down your hips and over the curve of your ass, squeezing it. “Arched so pretty f’me, hm?”

You bite your lip, nodding “all for you…” He grins, hooking his fingers into your underwear, sliding them down. He groans softly as they stick to your sopping pussy a bit, a string of your wetness connecting you to them, making his dick twitch in his jeans. He finally pulls them off, tossing them away.

Matt watches intently, enjoying the way you blush at Chris seeing your most intimate area. He strokes your cheeks softly as you look up at him. “It’s okay baby…you’re beautiful and Chris is just enjoying it…right Chris?” Chris snaps out of his trance as he was staring at your slick folds, clearing his throat. “Y-yeah…yes…* He caresses your hips, “you’re so beautiful…”

You sigh softly at the praise, not used to compliments or genuine kindness from Chris. You calm down a bit before you hear the clink of metal from Chris’s belt. He groans softly “gonna fill you up so good baby…you want that?” You moan softly at his words “fuck- yes…please.” He grins, shoving his pants and boxers down, his thick, long cock slapping against his stomach.

Chris moves closer to you, sliding his dick through your wetness, not pushing inside, just slicking himself up. You whimper, gripping Matt’s thighs harshly, causing him to whimper himself. Chris chuckles, lining his dick to your entrance “you ready?” You nod quickly, arching your back more. He slowly pushes his tip inside, which already has you writhing. He hisses, speaking hoarsely, “gotta relax baby…”

He pushes in deeper, causing you to whine and pant, clawing at Matt. Matt groans, his hips bucking involuntarily. You shakily move your hand to wrap around him again, pumping him softly as Chris slides even deeper. You whimper, your hand clenching around Matt at the feeling, making him whine and writhe. You quickly catch yourself, loosening your grip and replacing your hand with your mouth, sucking his tip into your mouth.

Matt moans lowly, his fingers tangling into your hair as Chris bottoms out inside you. You whine loudly around Matt as you feel Chris’s tip brushing against your cervix. Matt groans at the feeling, pushing your head down further as Chris grinds into your cervix. This sends you reeling, writhing and whimpering at the overwhelming feeling.

Chris grins before he starts to move, starting off with a very fast pace as Matt, moves your head even further in him. Chris’s pace pushes Matt deeper down your throat, making you both whimper. You dig your fingers into Matt’s thighs as Chris moves harsher, slamming into you.

“Fuck, you’re so…tight” Chris grunts out, gripping your hips harshly as he continues his thrusts. You try your best to continue moving over Matt, but it’s not enough apparently, as he grips your hair tightly, thrusting his hips up into your mouth. You whine and moan as best as you can around Matt, practically going limp as you’re impaled on both ends.

Matt groans, his hips moving erratically “shit…I’m gonna cum…” he breathes out before biting his lip. Chris starts to move even faster, his pace brutal as he slams into you, forcing you over Matt more. You cry out, looking up at Matt desperately and moving your tongue over him as best as you can.

Matt moans loudly “fuck!” He cums down your throat, his hips stuttering as he does. Chris leans down, quickly wrapping his hand around your throat, his thrusts slowing. His grip causes you to choke and sputter a bit as Matt is still deep in your throat.

“Swallow it…every drop.” Chris whispers into your ear, knowing his brother won’t make you. You whimper softly, swallowing Matt’s cum. Matt whimpers as he feels your throat close around him, shuddering. Chris pats your cheek, before sitting back up and picking his relentless pace back up “good girl.”

Matt’s grip on your hair loosens and he slips out of your mouth. You take deep breaths as best as you can as you’re still being thrown into him because of Chris’s thrusts. Chris grins, moving even harder, you didn’t even know that was possible, but it has you almost screaming.

If there was people around your hotel room, they’d most definitely hear you getting your back blown, but none of you could seem to care. Matt reaches down, his fingers rubbing your clit in fast circles. This has you writhing and moaning loudly. “Fuck! I’m so close!”

Chris grunts, gripping your hips harsher, surely leaving bruises. “Yeah? You gonna cum all over my cock?” You nod quickly, moaning louder. After a few more of his brutal thrusts, you see white, practically screaming their names as waves of pleasure flow through you.

Your body convulses and you clench around Chris harshly. Chris’s breath hitches as he feels you tighten around him, but he keeps going, his pace not faltering. You whine and moan at the overstimulation, “fuck Chris!” He continues slamming into you, speaking hoarsely “Where do you want it? Hm?…Where do you want me to cum, baby?” You barely register his words as he continues, “i-inside! Please!” you cry out.

He grunts, his hips stuttering at your words “fuck I’m gonna cum…” He starts to move erratically. Matt’s hand is still working your clit, so this sends you reeling into another orgasm, clenching even harder around Chris this time. “Fuck!” Chris cries out, he pushes himself deep inside you and with a loud moan, he’s cumming inside you, painting your spasming walls white. You whimper at the feeling, still clenching around him as Matt’s hand slides away from your clit, whispering sweet praises to you.

After a minute, Chris finally pulls out slowly, his cum dripping out of you. You go limp against the hotel couch, panting harshly. Matt caresses your cheeks softly as Chris scurries to get a towel to clean you up “you did so good baby…”

You nuzzle into his touch, sighing. Chris finally comes back and cleans you up softly. They help you put your clothes back on, sitting you up normally on the couch, before putting their own on.

Chris gently runs his fingers through your hair as he sits next to you, a stark contrast to how he was minutes before. “You okay baby?…was I too rough?” You shake your head softly, assuring him you’re okay. He smiles and kisses you softly, wrapping you in a blanket as Matt plops down on the other side of you. “Nick is gonna be so pissed at us…” His comment makes you all bust out laughing.

———————————————————————————————————————

a/n: omg this was sooo long I’m so sorry lol thank you so much for reading my first fic if you got all the way here! I really enjoyed writing this and I hope you all enjoyed it! Let me know if you’d like to be tagged in any future posts in the comments or just talk to me! I’ll most likely answer every comment! Likes and follows are really appreciated so I can grow my page! xx

[2024skin]

I'm finally ready to join the civilized world :D

Finally got my bidet hooked up :) there was a delay because we ended up needing a new water supply line, but so far no leaks and I feel squeaky clean from clit to sacrum

[greyeyedmonster-18]

jingle all the bidet

(a wolfstar holiday au.

happy christmas eve. this is simply nonsense. enjoy xoxo)

--

Remus practically ran to the front door once he heard the knock, socks sliding on the hardwood floors, sweater sleeves pushed up to his elbows though that wasn't particularly helpful. The cuffs were soaking, and the extra fabric drooped down to his forearms, small droplets splattering as he twisted the knob in a hurry, flinging the door of the house open.

"Hello, sir. I'm with Potter's Plumbing, we got a call about--"

"Yes! Yes! That's me," Remus said, gesturing wildly for the man to step through the doorway.

"I didn't finish--"

"As long as you're a plumber, I don't much care what call you were supposed to be on. You're here, you're helping me. Remus, hi, so nice to meet you--" 

"Sirius." Sirius seemed to get the hint, stepping into the house and Remus was able to firmly shut the door behind him, perhaps a little too forcefully.

"On a different day, I'd make a comment about our names and how we should join some sort of support group for parents with odd senses of humor but--" Remus didn't bother to look behind him as he walked quickly down the hallway, to see if Sirius was following him, just blindly hoping Sirius had these sort of emergency calls all the time. As a plumber does. No time for small talk and pleasantries and other superfluous information. 

Just quick. Down to business. Before a house flooded. Or maybe that was unique to Remus.

"Not today?" Sirius remarked from behind, a touch of laughter in his voice.

"Absolutely not today. You see, I'm in a bit of a plumbing crisis--on the Eve before Christmas Eve nonetheless. Festivus!-- so you can imagine my stress, I simply do not have the time to pencil in a good joke, because there are bigger issues at hand and I'm hoping you'll know exactly what to do, because I am at a loss and well....ta da!" Remus stopped just in front of the bathroom door, a weak smile on his face as he glanced between the mess of the master bathroom, and Sirius. 

It was a scene from a film.  Except instead of the bathroom being booby-trapped and finagled to catch robbers from killing him, Remus had made an entire crime scene attempting to install a bidet himself. 

How hard could it be?

Remus should’ve known when he was required to use a wrench that it would end poorly, but he had a modicum of faith, and a stubborn streak a mile long. 

There was an elbow-sized hole in the wall behind the toilet.

The tile flooded. Remus’s house slippers soggy on the bottom and cast aside outside the bathroom door. 

Remus had put a bucket behind the piping, but that didn’t catch much water at all when it all shot up like a geyser into the air, drops now falling from the ceiling. Remus had somehow managed to take down the shower curtain as well, and if he was brave enough later, he thought he might ask Sirius for help putting that back up. 

The top toilet cover had a handsome chip missing from it.

The toilet seat off its hinges.

And the bidet proudly on the floor.

Sirius tilted his head to the side slowly, surveying the scene wordlessly and inhaling deeply. Sirius took a pencil from out of his back pocket, scribbling a few notes on a notepad before turning to Remus and opening his mouth.

“We—”

“I know, I know. You’re probably wondering what the bloody hell happened,” Remus chuckled nervously, “And if I’m being honest, I’m wondering the same thing. I-I-I read the instructions before attempting to do this and I have always been a good student. A great one even!” Remus started and then stopped, “Okay, no, that was a lie. I’ve always been an okay student, but I know how to read. And in theory, I had it down pat. Flawlessly executed in my mind. But damn are toilet’s a lot harder to maneuver than the bloody instructions made it seem and one thing leads to another, I’m squatting down, elbow-deep in drywall. Literally,” Remus gestured to the hole behind the toilet, “I guess the only thing is I’m glad the water was clean and flushed and, and, well, you know what I mean don’t you?”

“I was going to say,” Sirius started, tongue poking out to wet his bottom lip, the corners of his mouth turning upward in amusement, “I hope you have another bathroom to use in the meantime.”

“Thank god we do.”

“Alright,” Sirius nodded, hitching up the knees of his jeans and squatting down to get a closer look at the damage. The band of his underwear poked over the top of his jeans. 

“A-alright, then. I’ll. Just..stay out of your hair and uh, let you get to work.”

“Sounds good.”

“Do you need anything? I think there’s a wrench down there somewhere,” Remus pointed to the broken ceramic behind the toilet.  Sirius stood back up and turned around to face Remus, who, at that moment, realized he was standing much too close, now standing nearly nose to nose with a stranger-plumber and he flushed. “Ah! Sorry, sorry, I’ll just—”

“I’ve got to get some supplies from my truck, but otherwise I should be all set. The beauty of calling a plumber is they take care of it for you, and you can just relax, Mr….?”

“Remus! No, I mean not Mr. Remus. Remus Lupin. Mr. Remus Lupin.”

“Alright, Mr. Remus Lupin, rest easy,” Sirius said, with a quick smirk, walking past Remus down the hallway again toward the front door. Remus felt like he was chasing after him Sirius’s stride was so long and certain. 

“No, I mean, you don’t need to call me Mr. Remus Lupin. Or Mr. at all. It’s just Remus.” Sirius nodded again and exited the house. 

--

Remus wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do while a maintenance person was in his home. He recalled vaguely as a child hiding in his room until they left, pretending he did not exist--there were absolutely no children in this home, and if there were they certainly were not present at the time they were there, no sir! And typically, Gideon was the one who handled service requests. Remus making it a point to be uncharacteristically busy the moment something needed a repair. A light not working? Suddenly Remus needed to leave and return a package that had been sitting there for two weeks already. But Gideon was away, finishing up work for the holiday season, which was the perfect time for Remus to surprise him with a gift. 

A shame it ended in absolute disaster.

And now Remus didn’t know what to do.

With his hands, with his time, with his anything. And opted to pace back and forth down the hallway as Sirius started working in the bathroom. 

“Hello!” Remus poked his head into the bathroom, hands on the door frame. “Just checking in.”

“Checked,” Sirius told him, not moving from his position on the floor of the bathroom. Sirius’s work boots were damp on the bottom, uniform shirt rolled up to his elbows, and the long curly hair that had previously been down and dusting the man's shoulders, pulled up and out of the way. 

“Can I get you anything? Water, or a snack, surely you must be hungry or--”

“I’m all set, Remus.”

“Or, maybe I could--”

Sirius cleared his throat and sat up to look at Remus, elbows resting on the top of his knees, “Though I know it perhaps feels odd, as usually, I assume, when you have guests over, you entertain them in some capacity. But in this situation, it is quite okay to ignore me.”

“I…people really just ignore you?”

“Most of the time. Spare a few odd moments of chatter, but I believe you said this was an emergency and there simply wasn’t time for that today.”

“Well you don’t seem too concerned about all this.”

“I’ve seen so much worse.”

“That’s comforting. Perhaps I could make time for a joke or two then.”

“Let’s hear it.”

“Oh, uhm,” Remus’s eyes went wide, “I-I didn’t mean an actual joke, I don’t think I have any of those, though I really should. I’m a teacher, you see. Kids love jokes, but I think most of the time, I’m the joke and don’t necessarily need to come up with something with a punchline. So, I might be fresh out, but if you give me an hour I could look one up.”

“Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber?”

“What?”

“Why did the Christmas tree go to the doctor?” Sirius repeated, soft smile on his face as he waited Remus to answer.

“Uh…I dunno. Why?”

“It was looking a little green,” Sirius finished, slapping the top of his knee for effect and Remus snorted.

“That was pretty good.”

“My godson is seven and is in his joke telling phase. I had to find a few of my own. You know, just to make sure I didn’t lose the cool godfather credibility.”

“Of course,” Remus said, and nodded, “Sorry…I’ll let you work.”

“If you would prefer…you don’t have to ignore me.”

“Really?” Remus asked, but was already inside the bathroom yet again, “Because I am winded walking up and down that hallway, between this botched installation and the pacing and the everything, this is the highest my heart rate has been in years. I promise, you won’t even know I’m here.” Remus took a seat on the edge of the bathtub letting out a sigh of relief as Sirius lowered himself to the floor once again.

--

It turns out, it was probably a good thing that Remus had never been home previously when a repair person had entered, because he could not simply pretend to not be there any longer. He was there. And Remus did not do well with silence.

“....so anyway, when we moved in, and I think Gideon--my partner, did I say that already? Oh, I did, I know I did-- wants to repaint the walls next year, to add some life into the place. But I dunno, I think it’s pretty lively. Do you think so? You go in a lot of homes, don’t you?”

“I do.”

“And does mine, breathe life?”

“The snowflake hand towels are a nice touch,” Sirius commented, as he twisted something on the side of the toilet. 

“That's what I thought! Why do we need to paint and redo everything, when we can…spruce it up, with towels and…other decorations? Other..less permanent things,” Remus finished and Sirius hummed. “Not that I know much, or anything really, about designing and homes. This is my first one. Well, after the one I lived in before, but there isn’t exactly a book about how to…home. You know?”

“I get what you mean,” Sirius confirmed, “Are you French?”

“Pardon?”

“The bidet,” Sirius said from his position on the bathroom floor, back on the ground and doing something to the piping. The number of tools Sirius had brought with him was evidence enough that Remus had no business installing the bidet in the first place, the wrench he had sworn would be enough Sirius hadn’t even touched. Though he probably had nicer wrenches. Fancier wrenches. Did wrenches have levels of class? Just as well Remus would use a poor man's wrench.

“Uh. No, no, I’m not French. Not really. Sort of? My father is. Or…was. Is? He died, so he’s not…currently French and walking around saying Bonjour, or mon petit chou anymore, not that…that wasn’t all he said but he is French but just French as in dead in a cemetery. But his body-you know what I mean, don’t you? Anyway, he was—is—French, I am not. Well not, not. I grew up in Wales with my Mum. We barely had plumbing, sometimes we just went out back and dug a hole in the ground! Never had this problem with holes, I’ll tell you that much, no, no problems like this,” Remus trailed off and Sirius made another hum of acknowledgement as he worked, “Sorry. I shouldn’t have brought that up. People get weird when I do. Like oh, I’m so sorry for your loss, and I can’t say, It’s fine I barely knew him! Without sounding like a complete arsehole so, I usually just make it weird and awkward and uh…well, you have a front-row seat to that,” Remus said, slapping his hands on his thighs, the thwack against his jeans echoing through the bathroom.

“You’re not an arsehole.”

“You don’t know me that well.”

“You’re not an arsehole for not knowing your parent,” Sirius clarified. “Wales is nice.”

“It is. It was.”

“So you’re not French, why the bidet?”

Remus sighed standing up from the ledge of the tub, pacing the floor for the bathroom as he spoke, "Well, you see, I got it as a gift for my partner. Gideon, remember? They're away on business, and I told myself this was the perfect time to get ahead on Christmas shopping. If you knew me...which you don't, not really, but maybe by the end of this whole mess we'll be fast friends! I already told you about my dead Dad, and that's usually something I hold off on…it’s a bit of a downer. Anyway, if you knew me..know me, I'm terrible at planning ahead. I mean, who wants to go to the shops during the hols? Nobody. I don't care how much you love your mother--and I love mine, I promise I do, really--all the people running around, it's just too much. So I put it off and put it off, and suddenly it's Christmas Eve and--"

"That's about the worst time to go..." Sirius said, shifting his position so he was crouching instead, lifting the toilet seat off in one smooth piece.

"Precisely, so sometimes I don't even bother going at all, which I suppose might make me a bad person. I'm not! Occasionally an arsehole, but not a bad person! I recycle and, and, and I’m a good friend, I-I-I just...planning and gifts and the whole bit of it...isn't my strongest suit,” Remus said. “So I was so proud of myself! Because Gideon had mentioned wanting a bidet for the bathroom, the breathing life and the personal touches and all that--”

“I’m noticing a theme…”

“Yes! Life, carpe fucking diem! So he mentioned it, and I remembered--which is another thing I am not the greatest at-- and I went out and bought the bidet! Hid it in my office at work for a month knowing he’d be out of town today, and it would be the perfect opportunity to install it. He’d come back from his trip, go to the bath to wash up and he would be overjoyed, elated, delighted even, to see the bidet there, and I would be there shouting Happy Christmas! and for once feel like I really nailed the Christmas gift. Because the thing is, he is so thoughtful and so good at gift giving, and I…just come up short. And I thought not this year! But instead of coming home to a beautifully installed bidet, he’ll come home to…a plumbing bill and peeling up linoleum tile and a patched up hole and…a shower curtain. And-and- who knows if he’ll even like it! He’ll probably hate it.”

“Why would he hate it?”

“He never usually likes my gifts.”

“Who…doesn’t just say thank you for a gift?” Sirius asked, pausing his work to look at Remus. “That’s kind of the rule isn’t it? Even if it's an itchy sweater, or something you don’t particularly like, you say thank you and then later return it and pretend it didn’t fit. It’s not about the gift.”

“Well, I don’t know if there’s rules exactly,” Remus countered, his eyebrows furrowing as he thought of birthdays and holidays gone by where Gideon had remarked "oh, this isn’t exactly what i wanted, or you tried, Re in response to Remus’s efforts. 

“Secret rules, as my godson would say.”

“I mean, sure, there’s secret…rules, I guess, but remember? were you not listening to the whole bad at gift giving part?”

“I listened. Were you gifting rotten eggs?”

“Well no. It’s just that, he, and-and-I we’re just never on the same page, and his gifts are--and well, mine are--”

“Ah.”

“And, and, and who the fuck gets their partner a bidet for Christmas?”

“Well…maybe someone who has a partner who asked for one?” Sirius said, smirking a little before getting back to his work.

“Well you’re a bit arrogant, aren’t you?”

“Or just…right.”

“No. Because he didn’t explicitly ask for one he more mentioned it in passing…he’s mentioned  countless things in passing, why not just by one of those and not a major home renovation…this was a terrible idea. This was stupid! Why didn’t you tell me that? Going on about the gift rules and secrets, and the real issue here is that this was a bad idea!”

“I’m in the business of fixing up baths, not sharing my opinions on Christmas gifts.”

“Except you just did.”

“Very unprofessional of me, I admit.”

Remus said, stopping his pacing to run a hand over his face, “This is very unprofessional of me. Arguing with my plumber! About presents. And, it’s my fault, really. I should’ve told you in the call! That’s what I should’ve done, straight out the gate, just let you know the real situation, and I should’ve said that I bought this stupid bidet, and made a mess of my bathroom, and a million other wrong things--”

Sirius grabbed the bidet from the floor and placed it on top of the toilet. Pieces falling perfectly into place. 

“It’s not a bad gift,” Sirius told him, “Odd perhaps, but thoughtful. Plumbers honor.”

“Really…?”

“Really.”

“You’re right!” Remus said, and as Sirius made some final adjustments before pressing a button on the bidet. A jingle played.

“And, for what it's worth, you bought a good bidet. Nicer bidets tend to be more finicky to install so…really, this mess showcases heaps of effort.”

“Thank you!” Remus responded, somewhat indignantly, throwing his arms into the air. Someone understood. 

“That’s exactly what he should say. Your partner. When he walks into this room and notices--”

“The bidet.”

“The spectacular bidet.��

“What…if he doesn’t?” Remus asked quietly after a long silence, two men standing and admiring the bidet sitting proudly on a toilet with a broken top, singing its little song to prove it was functioning. 

“Would you like my professional opinion?”

“...Yes.”

“If he doesn’t say thank you and kiss you full on the mouth for this very thoughtful gift…then at least you can enjoy this bidet and you throw a massive party with all of your friends and tell them to use this bathroom.” Remus snorted, thinking about walking guests into the master bedroom and bathroom during a party--coworkers and neighbors and friends, stepping on the carpet in their shoes just to get to the bidet. 

“What’s your unprofessional one?”

“Find someone who will say thank you.”

“So I should find a liar.”

“Thank you for thinking of me, and thank you for the effort it took to find this gift, isn’t a lie in my book. It’s not about the bidet.”

“It could be.”

“Yeah but it's not.”

“But it is, kind of.”

“No.”

Remus opened his mouth and closed it again, unsure of what to say, Sirius grinning smugly at Remus, daring him to disagree again. This man might have had the same stubborn streak Remus had. His stomach fluttered for a moment, almost laughing, almost joyful at the silly, naive thought of spending a lifetime with a man, this man, who argued without the malice behind the words. 

“It’s not that simple anyway,” Remus said, “Just…leaving.”

“Never said it was, but either way…this is yours,” Sirius gestured to the bidet, “And someone should use it.

--

It had only been a few hours, but the bathroom looked good as new. Bidet installed, hole patched up and water was mopped up. The only sign that something had gone awry was the toilet top with the chunk missing. 

“We’ll have to get you a new one,” Sirius told him, writing up the invoice as they walked to Remus’s front door, toolbox in hand

“Will that take weeks?” 

“No, a few days just because of the holidays. I’ll bring it by the 26th, and it’ll be all set.”

“You are truly a life saver, I don’t know what I would’ve done, and….thanks for listening to me talk…all day. I know you probably didn’t sign up for that exactly when you took this call, and probably had better things to be doing, and--”

“This was one of the more enjoyable calls I’ve had actually,” Sirius told him, pausing in front of the front door. “I had a good time.”

Remus laughed awkwardly, reaching for the doorknob to open the door for Sirius, “This feels like the end of some sort of date…do you want me to walk you to your car?”

“Very kind, but I promise I’ll make it.” Sirius nodded, sticking out his hand. Definitely not a date. “Pleasure working with you Mr. Lupin.”

“Remus.”

“Remus,” Sirius said, “I’ll see you in a few days. My numbers on the invoice, should anything come up before then. Just…call.”

--

Christmas music was playing loudly in his living room, Sirius’s godson testing out his new dance moves learned at school on the rug, his best friends clapping along and joining in with their own dance moves alongside their child. Sirius had just pulled the roast chicken out of the oven--the shining star for the Christmas Eve feast-- when the phone rang. Oven mitts still on, he hurried to grab the land line, tossing a stray curl out of his face as he answered.

“Hello?”

“Hello, is this Potter’s Plumbing?” the voice on the other end said and Sirius couldn’t help but bite back a smile. He had been in Remus’s home for only a few hours, but had heard the other man talk enough that Sirius was certain he’d be able to identify who was speaking with his eyes closed. It was refreshing. Sirius returned home that day and recounted the emergency call to his best friend, leaving out no details about the frazzled, freckled, and messy man who attempted to install a bidet. 

You put your personal number on the invoice? Sirius, that’s too bold.

Sirius was thinking he wouldn’t call.

He hadn’t expected any bidet related emergencies.

“This is Sirius Black,” Sirius said, “But I am part of Potter’s Plumbing.”

“Oh, good, Sirius, it’s you. Hello, it’s Remus Lupin, remember, you serviced my bidet a few days ago and there's a toilet top that needs to be repaired, and we hung up a shower curtain together and I almost fell to my death off the bathtub ledge?”

“Ah yes,” Sirius teased, “Thanks for those details to jog my memory, without them I would’ve definitely forgotten. Did you run into some trouble?”

“Uh…No.”

“Oh…then, how can I help you, Mr. Lupin?”

“Remus.”

“Remus.”

“I…” Sirius heard Remus click his tongue a few times, “I…decided to…not…I mean, I don’t need a new toilet top. Can I cancel that? I think it looks better this way.”

“With the missing part?” Sirius asked, feeling a touch disappointed at the nature of the call.

“Yeah.”

“I’ll go ahead and cancel that for you, Remus. No problem at all. Was that it?”

“No,” Remus said and paused again, “I’m having a sort of party.”

“Sort of?”

“A party, on New Year's Eve. I decided. To celebrate the new year and new beginnings and all that, glad tidings, you know, the things people usually celebrate. And…also to celebrate the bidet that's in the bathroom because I’ve been told it's a good bidet, like a nice one even! A professional told me that, and it…uh should be appreciated by someone. So I'm having a party and I’m wondering if…you like bidets?”

“Did I not tell you I’m French? I love bidets.”

[the-soliloquies-of-sadists]

#374

“Hey!  Midnight bathroom run too?  Yeah.  I knew I shouldn’t have let my wife’s mother book this tiny inn in the middle of nowhere Germany for my honeymoon.  I live in a three-bedroom apartment in Manhattan two blocks from Central Park, and now I have to share a toilet.  I would gladly pay for a suite at a five-star hotel, but my wife likes it.  Whoever came up with “Happy wife happy life” should be shot.  "This jet lag sucks.  This is my second night here in Europe, and I haven’t shaken it.  How about you?...  You’re here a week?  Wow.  It looks like we will be competing for the toilet for a number of days.  It’s us and him in there.  That Argentinian has been in there for a bit.  I see the toothbrush in your hand; when he comes out, you can go ahead of me, as long as you are fast; I’m going to be spending some time in there.  It seems that the only way I can get to sleep is to enjoy my left hand….

“I see you smiling.  You know what I’m talking about….  Don’t be shy about it.  All guys do it.

“And the best part is as I get close, I turn on the bidet and let the warm water run across my shithole.  It’s not quite like a tongue diving in deep.  I haven’t had my ass eaten out in years….

“…You a faggot?...  Your silence makes me wonder that you might be, but your dick tenting in your robe tells me everything.  Open your robe and let me see….

“Just as I thought.  You want help me go to sleep?  Good.  Let’s go in your room.  You can brush your teeth afterwards and wash away the taste of my shithole….

“Now we are behind closed doors, you can lose the robe….  Damn you are a small fag.  How tall are you?...  I have a foot on you; I’m 6’5”.  How much do you weigh?...  I’m 290, twice your weight.  You are the size of the faggots I used to use back in grad school at Columbia.  I like them small.  I hope you like to be manhandled.  Don’t care if you don’t.

“Get on your knees fag.  Go on reach in.  Take my cock out.  Even soft, I’m bigger than your tiny four-inch pecker.  Hard, I more than double you. 

“It’s clear that there is only one man in this room, and it ain’t you.  There is only one cock in this room; yours is to be ignored.  You got that?...  Fag, you got that?...

“That’s ‘Yes Sir.’  I saw the hunger on your face in the hall when I mentioned that I loved a tongue in my shithole.  I’ve noticed the few times you’ve been checking me out as our paths crossed.  It’s the same hunger I saw on my bitch boys I used on the side when I was in grad school.  They saw a big man with a big dick, and they did whatever I wanted.  I see that hunger on your face now, and I’m expecting the same from you. 

“You drink piss….  That wasn’t a question.  Open your toilet mouth….  Take my head in.  Fuck yeah.  Relax and start swallowing….  Ahh, that feels so good.  You are a natural. 

“Is your cunt cleaned out?  Probably not.  If you can handle my cock in your throat, I’ll be back tomorrow night to sample that cunt.  Here sit on the floor with your head against the wall. 

“I want to tell you how to get me to cum.  Like I said, I was going to use the bidet to not only to clean my shithole but to make my hole feel good.  Your tongue is taking over that responsibility. 

“I haven’t had a shower since this morning, and I’ve been out all day in the sun.  My crack is going to reek.  I know you won’t mind. 

“Place a hand on each of my thighs.  Take a deep breath.  Now pay attention.  Your tongue needs to be inside my shithole pretty much all the time….  Like that.  Fuck yeah.  Don’t be alarmed if I fart on your faggot face.  It’s bound to happen. 

“Damn!  Fuck!  Your tongue is digging deep.  Faggot you know how to eat a man’s shithole.  Oh man.  I’m getting close.  But I need to sample that throat. 

“Fuck.  Hold that faggot head against the wall and open up that throat, cause I’m going right down to your stomach, all nine inches to the root. 

“Take it faggot!  Take it!  I don’t care if you gag, gasp, or even puke all over me, you are fucking taking it.  Open up that throat, dedicate that airway to me.  Oh fuck.  That’s it faggot. 

“When I’m ready to cum, it’s with your tongue in my shithole, and I want you jacking me off.  And I’m getting close.  Oh yeah!  I’m going to turn around real fast.  So close.  Hell the fuck yeah.  Get that tongue ready.  Ready?  Now!

“…Spread my cheeks and get that tongue inside me and start fucking with it.  Now reach under me and jack me off.  Fuck boy.  I’m going to cum.  Keep doing what you are doing.  Urg!  Uh!  Uh!  Fuck!  Fuck yeah!

“Oh man.  No one told you to stop.  Keep tongue fucking and jacking me.  Milk the last drops out and let them fall. 

“Faggot you did good.  I’m want to do this every night….  Ok… Ok… You can stop. 

“Whew boy.  Hand me my underwear.  And your pillow too.  The pillow is to wipe up your throat slime and remaining cum drops from my dick.  The other side is to wipe my ass.  When you go to sleep, you can smell me. 

“Whew, that was a huge load on the floor.  Start licking….  Don’t give me that look again, or I will smack you again.  That load puddled on your floor should be gold to you.  Lap it up or suck it up, I don’t care.

“Hell, you can even jack off while doing that, once I’m gone.  I don’t care. 

“You want me to come back tomorrow night?...  Good, then do as you are told.  Atta boy!  Do you have any plans for tomorrow during the day?...  You can go to a museum another day. 

“You’re doing good boy.  While you continue to lick my load, pay attention to what I have to say.  In the morning, my wife and I are heading to some castle.  Before we leave, I am going to slip an envelope under the door.  It’ll have €1500.  We are about an hour and a half from Berlin.  I want you to go there, find one of the sex shops.  I want you to purchase a bunch of items. 

“First, I want a rimseat.  You know how to eat my shithole, and you will do it again.  Find a chastity cage and have them put it on you.  Have them put the key in the same envelope and seal it.  Have them write their store’s name across the back of it.  I want that cage to be tight and most importantly, I want it to prevent an erection, not one that pushes the cage forward should that tiny thing start to grow.  Ideally I don’t want to see any bump from your tiny pecker.  You got that?  I want a collar, ankle cuffs, and wrist cuffs.  Buy about 10 meters of rope and some padlocks.  Get lube.  And I don’t know how you are going to do this but get something to clean you out.  And see if they sell teeth guards; I felt some teeth when I was in your throat.

“At midnight, keep your door unlocked.  Be wearing the collar and the cuffs.  And get a good hood and wear it.  Leather can be expensive.  I’ll bump that up to €2000 in the envelope.  If there’s money left, get me a flogger. 

“You got all that?...  Good boy. 

“Where’s your phone?  Here it is.  Good an iPhone.  Look up.  Good it unlocked.  Get back to the floor.  I’m putting my side cell number in here.  I am listing myself as ‘SIR’.  I want you to text me when you buy each item.  And have the store worker take pics of you being fitted for the cage and anything else they care to.  And if they want to use you, you will let them.

“I’m going to add you to my find my iPhone app, so I can track where you are.  So I know what text you are, what’s your area code or country code?...  215?...  Philadelphia?...  Oh boy.  My firm has me in Philly one week a month and a weekend in between.  I have an apartment near Rittenhouse square.  You perform well here, and I will be taking you on permanently. 

“Keep licking boy.  Don’t get up until every drop is in your belly.  I’ll see you tomorrow.  I need to get back to my wife.”

[aflo]

it's bc you're always on that damn bidet

[thiswasneverthat]

tuesday

ㅡ seven masterlist

❅ chan x fem!reader

❅ smut, slight fluff

❅ sexting, masturbation, fingering.

❅ wc: 1k

For some inexplicable reason, your mind wandered around during your lunch break. The memory from the previous night kept flashing before your eyes and you couldn't help feeling hot right on your core.

While chewing on your lower lip, you squeezed your thighs together as a low mewl slipped out of your mouth. Thankfully, there were no other souls around your desk because your co-workers were still out enjoying their lunch. 

So, in the next second, you grabbed your phone and sent a text to your boyfriend.

'What are you doing, babe? Have you had your lunch?'

Almost as soon as the text was delivered, the three little dots on your phone screen were flickeringㅡ indicating that he was currently typing a reply.

'I'm still stuck in a meeting but I will grab a bite as soon as we're done here. You've had yours, right?'

'I've had mine, don't worry! But anyway, I have a lunch menu recommendation for you.'

'Sure, what is it, love?'

With a smirk carved on your face, you dashed out to the restroom and locked yourself inside the cubicle on the far left of the room.

You then hurriedly unbuttoned your black silk shirtㅡ leaving you in your black lace bra before you snapped a picture of yourself and send it to him.

And of course, as you have expected, the reaction was immediate.

'Baby.. The fuck you think you are doing?'

'Urging you to finish that damn meeting soon and enjoy your lunch.'

'You shouldn't bite more than you can chew, love.'

Even without hearing him saying those words directly, you could feel the venom dripping out of it. However, unfortunately for him, you were not afraid to bite more than you can chew.

Deep down you realized that you were about to get yourself into big trouble for messing with himㅡ maybe a bigger one than the previous night, but that what was you aiming for. You couldn't think of anything else except to seduce him because your head was haywire. And that was because you were driven by pure lust.

So, without wasting no time, you pulled your pencil skirt up to your waist and sat on the top of the bidet. You then spread your legs widely as you pulled your panties to the side before you angled your phone down to take some pictures of your drenched cunt.

"Enjoy this," you mumbled to yourself as you pressed the send button.

And once again, a reply came almost as soon as the pictures were delivered.

'Fake a headache or whatever and go back home. Now. I am on my way.'

Shit, it was too soon.

You were aware that you would undoubtedly piss him off for what you just did, but what you hadn't expected was that he would ditch his work.

For a brief moment, you let the instant regret sink in. You felt the hairs on the back of your neck standing up in fright as you shut your eyes tightly.

Maybe Chris was right.

You shouldn't have bit more than you can chew. Even though you knew he wouldn't intentionally harm you and you would still end up having a good time later, but when he acted this way, you couldn't help but feel your heart violently throbbing against your ribcage.

However, as much as you would like to take your time and prepare yourself for what would come next, you hurriedly fixed your clothes and scrambled out of the restroom.

And nearly thirty minutes later when you arrived at your shared apartment, the air you breathe got caught in your throat the moment you saw him sitting on the couch with his arms crossed over his chest. His face was displaying a countenance of complete ignorance, devoid of any emotional or cognitive response to your presence, and didn't engage in any form of acknowledgment towards you. 

"Chris.. I.." you threaded carefully as you approached him closer, but then you quickly shut your mouth when he raised a brow at you.

"Take off your clothes."

Your eyes blinked in surprise for a moment before you quickly complied. At the speed of light, you were standing bare in front of him.

The stark contrast between you and him who was still fully clothed, got your heart skipped a beat.

"Come here," he demanded coldly as he unzipped his black trousers and pulled his cock out. While glancing up at you with a stern expression on his face, he hoised you up onto his lapㅡ which caused you to gasp slightly. 

Without bothering to say anything else, Chris inserted two of his fingers inside your cunt to prep your tight walls for his girth.

"Chris," you breathed out his name and bit your lower lip. However, when you were about to place both of your hands on his shoulders for support, he grunted in disapproval.

"Don't touch me. Keep your hands behind your back."

'Fuck.' You muttered harshly inside your head but once again, you complied.

Truly, it wasn't easy to keep your hands to yourself while he had two of his slender fingers inside of you.

You wanted to wrap your arms around his neck, you wanted to let your hand wander around his chest, you wanted to kiss his neck, you wanted to stroke his hardening cock, and also to tug on his hair, but you couldn't. And that wasn't the worse part yetㅡ because a few minutes later when you were about to cum, Chris immediately drew his fingers out of you.

"But, babe I was about toㅡ"

"Who said this is about you?"

And that was the moment you realized what he was doing. 

Before you got to say anything else, Chris lifted your waist a little as he aligned the tip of his cock to your dripping cunt.

"None of this is about you," Chris emphasized with a hoarse grunt once again once he was finally balls deep inside you. "You are not allowed to cum tonight. Let that sink in." 

[reapers-carino]

Rise and Shine

[Gonna try my hand at formatting non-ask fics in a prettier manner. Let me know what y'all think!]

NSFW! Cole CassidyxF!Reader

To you, there were two inevitable rules when you slept wrapped up in Cole's arms. One, you would have the warmest, most tranquil sleep of your life while spooned against his body, his arm tucking you to his side like this was the only place you belonged. And two, your bladder would inevitably chase this moment away, demanding to be emptied the moment you begin to drift back into consciousness.

You had tried to reject the growing urgency but the waning darkness began to coax you from your dreams, consciousness creeping in bit by bit. Cole and you had shifted during the night, the man’s right arm still tucked around your body but not firmly locked around your hips as it had been the night before. You were still pressed snuggly against his side, the entirety of your body pressed into his; your right leg resting comfortably on top of his thigh, your hand curled against his hairy chest. A lazy smile tugged at your lips as you finally managed to open your eyes, thankful that it was still fairly dark in the room. Being at the far corner of the base did have its advantages, especially when you needed another half hour to face the sun. 

Screwing your eyes up in another hard couple of blinks, the bleariness of sleep gave way to an eyeful of Cole’s chest, your own fist closing and squeezing a few times before you stole a glance up. Your smile grew into a full grin as you caught sight of Cole’s sleeping visage, warmth blooming through out you as you studied the man for a moment. In the growing light, you could see the smattering of freckles that covered his skin from head to toe from years of exposure to the New Mexico sunlight. His hair was damn near chocolate color in the dimness of the room, but flecks of auburn and cinnamon were peeking through bit by bit as the sun continued to rise.

You resisted the urge to snort as the man gave one quick snort in his sleep, biting hard on your bottom lip when he smacked his lips before his breathing evened out into quiet snores once more. The man had his left arm thrown over his face, but to you that did nothing to conceal his high cheekbones and battle crooked nose. A blush climbed into your face and crept down your chest, absolutely taken by how much you adored him.

Still, your bladder demanded reprieve and you needed to move before it became too late. You gingerly began to lift your leg off his, hand opening to gently smooth across his chest so you could fully untangle yourself from him without interrupting the man’s sleep. Once your legs were free from the man, you were able to scoot towards the bottom edge of the bed, carefully moving inch by inch so you didn’t jostle the man. As soon as your feet began to dangle over the edge of the bed, you pushed yourself the rest of the way off of the bed, tugging your long sleep shirt back down and rushing to the small, connected bathroom.

Gibraltar’s bathrooms were fairly simplistic, if not industrial; an open concept shower with shelves on the outside stacked with towels, toiletries and aloe vera plants. A small wall separated the shower and the toilet, the toilet neatly tucked in the corner and away from the entrance to the room. You didn’t waste time turning the lights on, sunlight beginning to filter past the frosted glass windows of the room and sending beams of sunlight against the mirror over the sink. Rushing towards the toilet you quickly finished your business, squeaking softly as the bidet activated as you finished, sleep quickly chased away as soon as the device cleaned you off. Might as well get started on the day.

Pattering over to the sink you quickly washed your hands, giving yourself a quick once over in the mirror before grabbing your toothbrush. Weary eyes and bedhead greeted your view, somehow managing to avoid the dregs of bedhead despite not pulling your hair up or wrapping it before falling asleep. Making a mental note, you knew you’d have to teasingly thank the cowboy for saving you from a completely bad hair day. Squirting a glob of toothpaste onto the brush, you leaned over the sink, eyes closing as you idly swayed side to side as you brushed your teeth. Your mind sleepily wandered over plans for the day and what to make for breakfast until your thought process was suddenly interrupted by two hands gliding over your hips. You sputtered, toothpaste dribbling down your chin in surprise as your eyes snapped open, greeted by the amused, half-lidded reflection of your boyfriend behind you.

“Jesus Cole”, you murmured, shifting your toothbrush to the side and grabbing a Kleenex from the shelf to wipe your face. “You scared me half to death!”

His hands gently rubbed your hips in small circles apologetically, the man dipping down to press a kiss to the back of your head, nuzzling into your hair as he stifled a yawn.

“’m sorry sugar”, he hummed, the sleep clinging to his voice dragging it down a few octaves. You were sure he felt the shiver that ran down your spine, his hands inching from your waist to your stomach, thumbs rubbing in comforting circles. “Woke up alone…”

He trailed off for a moment as you spit the remnants of toothpaste from your mouth and rinsed before fully leaning backwards into the man, the softness of his touch and torso contrasted by the hardness pressed against your ass. Cole had no problem admitting her was a clingy man, if you were in the room, he wanted to have some part of your touching him. Waking up without you there had probably sent the man into auto-pilot, seeking you out until he could hold you in his arms once more. Heat began to swirl lazily in you at his touch, his calloused fingers working small circles higher and higher, pausing until you rolled your hips back against his needily. A pleased rumble started low in his chest, the quiet growl growing when his fingertips grazed the underside of your breasts. Tilting your head back, your gazes locked, the needy hunger you shared making your entire body tremble.

“Damn”, Cole moaned softly, head canting to the side of yours as he pressed a hard kiss to your temple, your breasts suddenly engulfed in his hands. His thumbs barely grazed your nipples, your entire body jumping at the contact and moaning at his covered length pushing more insistently against your bare ass.  “Y’know I can’t control myself when ya look at me like that, darlin’.”

“Then don’t”, you sighed, falling forward as his fingers rolled your nipples lightly, propping yourself up on the sink.

Groaning, Cole fell with you, nipping at the shell of your ear each time he tweaked your sensitive nubs, thighs squeezing tighter and tighter as each movement sent pure electricity into your clit. The man did not relent as you hips rolled and grinded hard against his boxer-briefs, the sensation of fabric making your overly sensitive pussy cry out for direct stimulation. You could the growing wet spot on Cole’s underwear, unsure if it was only you that could be blamed or if his cock was spilling pre-cum. Both of you were growing erratic, you legs shaking as you tried to press into him to provide some reprieve for your throbbing clit, him grinding into you as if the action would allow him to easily slip through the layers of fabric and inside. He refused to relinquish his hold on your breasts for the moment, husky breathing teasing your ears before pausing for one pregnant moment.

“Fuck!”

Your body jerked before melting, Cole’s teeth nibbling at the crux of your shoulder and neck before sinking in, the t-shirt providing little barrier from the delectably stinging onslaught. The way he pulled one hand away from your breasts to yank the neck of the shirt over, smothering the heated area with kisses made your heart flutter, knees wobbling as you clutched even harder at the sink to stay up. A whimper tumbled from your lips as his right hand dragged down your body and cupped your mound, one of his fingers barely dragging across the slit of your cunt. He inhaled sharply against your skin, his palm massaging your mound.

“Please”, you breathed as he applied more pressure, his fingers slipping up and down, pulling away right before he reached your clit. You whined as your eyes slipped closed and pleading words fell from you like a prayer. Heat and need poured from you like water, the man’s hand pulling back just slightly when you ground your hips down, the teasing making your head grow fuzzy. “Please Cole, pretty please.”

Stars burst behind your eyes for the briefest second as your knees fully buckled, the man firmly rolling two fingers around your overly sensitive clit. Pleasure raced through your body, your hands scrambling for purchase on the sink as you began to fall.

“Woah there”, Cole breathed out, hand quickly pulling away so his arm could wrap tight around your hips, his other arm wrapped right under your breasts. “Wasn’t expectin’ that huh?

Heat exploded in your cheeks as you finally managed to peek your eyes back open, twisting your head away from your reflection as it seared itself into your mind. You had come apart just from one direct touch, lips parted and eyes half-lidded, the ravenous look of Cole’s lust darkened eyes and ruddy cheeks making you want to take another plunge into pleasure.

“N-no”, you murmured petulantly before wiggling slightly, the man’s hold not loosening from around you. Lifting your arm weakly, you pointed towards the door, sticking your bottom lip out in a pleading pout. “Bed now? My legs ain’t gonna work through another round like that.”

You laid on the sugar thickly, a grin spreading on your lips as a husky grunt of affirmation rumbled against your back. It wasn’t needed but you knew the man loved his compliments, praise being a huge ‘secret not so secret’ kink of his. Twisting you around, you squealed as Cole’s hand slipped from around you hips to under your ass and thighs, the man quickly lifting you up using his prosthetic arm before balancing out with his other. His hands slid down to massage at your thighs as they wrapped around his hips, arms holding on tight to him as he sauntered back over to the bedroom.

“Oh baby you are incredible”, you hummed softly as you tilted your head forward, gently pressing your forehead against his, trapping his messy bangs between the both of you. You pressed several hard kisses to his lips, dissolving into half a dozen pecks, your fingers rubbing small circles against the back of his neck. “How am I supposed to think when you’re driving me crazy like this?”

You could feel the heat rise against the back of his neck, a pleased flush making the subtle freckles pop against his sun-kissed skin. His fingers dug into your thighs, enough pressure to let you know your words were boring straight to his core, his head dipping down and capturing your lips in a hard kiss. You melted into his touch, your arms wrapping even tighter about his shoulders as your torso fully leaned into his, nails scratching at the back of his neck and hair. Every ounce of growing need kept your lips locked with his, your teeth grazing at his lips only for him to catch your bottom lip between his, a desperate whine pulled from your chest.

“You stealin’ my words now darlin’”, Cole breathed heavily as he pulled away from you, tongue swiping out to taste your lips as his knee hit the bed. “Careful now.”

Cole was careful as he climbed onto the bed, your arms still locked around him as he dropped both of your legs onto the bed and trapped you between his. Your face burned as you stared up at the man, his gaze dancing over every single inch of your body as you returned the favor. There were times you forgot what a thick man he was; broad, muscular shoulders giving way to full, cup-able pecs and a solid set of abs covered in a soft layer of fat and hair. You had called the man a bear more times than you could count, Cole taking pride in the fact and patting his stomach or his thighs whenever he wanted your attention. Right now, however, his hands were playing with the waistband of his underwear, your breath catching in your chest as your eyes continued to trail downward.

His dick hung thick, hard and ready, the forest of pubic hair disappearing behind the grey and red waistband but you knew what lay just beyond. The fabric had been completely saturated in wetness, his precum beginning to bead through the fabric, his cock twitching under your hungry gaze. Your hand finally moved away from the back of his neck, working slowly down his chest to tweak at a nipple before it continued its journey towards its goal. Three of your fingers hooked into the waistband alongside his, your eyes pulling up from his cock, over his body and locking with his gaze again. Slow, heady breaths fell from his lips as you both paused, waiting to see who would act first. Smiling, you slowly lifted your brows in a teasingly demure manner.

“Please baby?”

Your tone dipped, desire making your tone husky, arching your back to push out your breasts, fingers gliding left and right playfully. Both of you adored taking charge at time but right now you wanted him to devour you alive, to fill you up and ravish you in a way only he knew how. Cole’s nostrils flared as his eyes broke away from your own to drink you in, hands clumsily pushing the underwear away and kicking them away behind him. Your head swam as you spread your legs further for him, eyes lingering on his thick, ruddy cock as he inched closer to you, his hand pumping his length as he fell over you. He swiped his length against your cunt once, then twice, his dick coated in your essence before he nestled himself between you lips, pushing forward agonizingly slow.

“Damn you feel so good”, Cole moaned, his head tilted back as he tried to hold some semblance of control and not slam into you completely.

His hand drifted dazedly from his cock to your hips, the tips of his fingers pressing into the flesh possessively as he sank into you inch by inch. Your breath caught in your throat as your walls hungrily sucked him in, whining low as he bottomed out and held you in place. Cole wanted to savor the feeling of your walls around him, letting out a slow hiss as he pulled back before slowly tilting his hips forward once more. You were so delightfully full of Cole, his cock thick and lightly curved upward, teasing every inch of your cunt while lightly teasing your g-spot with every thrust in. The cowboy’s thrusts were always so deliberate, at least at the beginning, because he wanted to twist you up higher and higher so you both could come tumbling down together.

Your hands twisted into the sheets with the first thrust, clawing and scrambling against the fabric for some type of purchase as he set that spine tingling pace. Tilting your head back, your eyes squeezed up tight as you felt the head of his cock brush against that sensitive bundle of nerves over and over, the man pulling half way out before sliding into you slow and steady. Your mind was growing hazy, getting lost in his touch as you rocked against him desperately, his hands tightening around your hip before releasing them. Trying to catch your breath if even for a moment, you squealed as the man’s hands traveled down your side and moved to under your knees. Your eyes snapped open as you looked at him, the man’s gaze half-lidded, the hungry wanton look in your eyes making your squeeze around the man in anticipation.

“C-Cole fuck!”

Cole had pinned your knees in place, the man’s hips pulling back briefly before snapping forward, his thighs clapping against your ass. You could barely breathe, the man was even deeper than he was before, your wetness punctuating each move he made when he drilled inside of you. A part of you wanted to look away, to squeeze your eyes tight and get lost in the feeling but Cole had pinned you in place, dark eyes glowing with loving desire.

“You look so damn pretty”, Cole sighed, punctuating each word with another snap of his hips, his words pouring over you like honey and setting every inch of your body aflame.

You finally managed to break eye contact, each snapping thrust making your head grow fuzzier and fuzzier, the back of your palms pressed against your eyes and cheeks to chase some coolness, some calm back into your body. You were coming undone in his arms and he knew it, Cole pressing even closer to you and settling your thighs on his hips and leaning close to you, completely enveloping you in the scent of tobacco leaves and musk and him. His cock throbbed hard inside of you as your legs wrapped about his thighs, pulling him even closer, a silent plead for him to end you.

“Come on now angel”, he sighed, voice tight with control, gently coaxing your hands away from your face with his own, your arms wrapping him to stabilize yourself somehow. “Don’t hide yer pretty face from me.”

His thrust picked up, his lips capturing the screaming moan that escaped them, his hands framing your face as he fucked you relentlessly. Nipping, licking, growling against your mouth and lips and tongue, his thumbs worked slow methodical circles against your face, the tender strokes punctuated by the unabated drive of his hips into your own. Your body began to come undone bit by bit; toes pointing hard as your thighs began to quiver, nails clawing at his shoulders as your walls milked the man. Cole kissed you through your orgasm, grunts and moans of praise tangling between both of your lips, his forehead crushed hard against your as the smack of his skin against yours grew faster and uneven.

“Please Cass”, you breathed against his lips, your body still riding wave after wave of pleasure, wanting to feel him spill inside of you. Your walls milked him even more as you felt him begin to throb, his body on the verge of falling completely over the precipice. “Please fill me up, please I need you baby, I want all of you. Every drop. Please”

Your words slurred as Cole buried his head in the crook of your neck, quiet promises falling against your skin as his hips slammed into your twice more before freezing. Shivering you pressed your lips to the top of his head, each throb of his cock sending bursts of lava throughout your center, your arms tightening even more about his shoulders. Cole was careful to not drop his entire weight on you as your legs finally released him, the man nuzzling into the side of your neck and pressing tender kiss after kiss against your dewy skin.

“Nmmmm I love you darlin’”, he murmured into the side of your neck, as your hands began to card through his hard slowly.

“Love you too Cole”, you hummed softly before stifling a small chuckle, the man inquisitively grunting against your skin. “But you might hate me…I gotta pee again…”

[gwynndolin]

bidets have been saving my ass literally thank you for being a truther 🤝

TRUE FACTS OF LIFE

Get a bidet

Learn how to use a stainless steel skillet

brush your damn teeth

[sturnioz]

chris talking abt using a bidet and enjoying the experience while matt refuses to try it out makes me think that chris is more submissive than we thought when compared to matt, bcs now i’m convinced chris would enjoy a little petting🤧

this ^^^ i was watching that vid like.... damn. i was wrong. chris being the one to enjoy something like that was NOT what i was expecting. but i like it. and it will be written.

[misforgotten2]

I for one am not a lover of Betty Crocker cake and frosting everywhere, it's just too damn hard to clean up. I mean how in the the hell did you get strawberry frosting behind the bidet?

Better Homes and Gardens - March 1972

[vib3rantxviolet]

is it getting harder for you to move around?

Extremely. As of recently it’s become damn near impossible to wipe without straining myself so I’m in need of a bidet.

Was wondering, if I were to make a wishtender for the things I need to help accommodate my growth, would anyone be interested?

[formybutchlover]

What they don't tell you about post-op top surgery (as someone four days after their op):

BIG constipation

Obviously can't put elbows above shoulders, but most arm movements within range are still gonna hurt.

You're greasy AF afterwards!!!

Uvula damage??? Anesthesia tube??

Damn why do I look pregnant

Pain hunch + plotting hands = villain look

Waiting for the nipple reveal!!!!

Can still imagine what boobs feel like ("ghost boobs"?)

Plastic cup for toothbrushing!!

Bidet coming in clutch ;)))

You're drugged AF boyyyyy

Benedryl save me....

Anti-werewolf meds

Can't keep ice pack on forever :(((

Hand sanitizer is nice for after-pees

Live your best pillow princess life

Wear TRULY giant shirts

Shave your pubes fr beforehand

I love you Nintendo Switch holy shit

(pls feel free to comment and ask questions:))) 🩷)

[andmaybegayer]

Last Monday of the Week 2023-12-25

God damn it's the last Monday of the year. I have guests.

Listening: Vienna Teng again, going through the discography. Haven't listened to the early stuff enough to like it yet so here's another song from Aims, "In The 99".

Reading: Started the new Murderbot. Murderbot is really good but also right at the limit of my tolerance for its particular style of writing.

Watching: Nothing of note. I guess this neat process video on an ultra-compact piece of LED jewelry:

Playing: Not much! Been busy getting ready for Guests.

Making: Guests are here and I realized I don't have a toilet roll holder. This place came with a bidet and presumably the previous owner didn't use toilet rolls at all. Today while waiting for people to get ready I quickly threw together a printable toiletroll holder and set it to print while we were out.

It has some flaws, I forgot to account for torsion forces so it's a little floppy. I'll print it with some reinforcement webbing later but this works pretty well.

Tools and Equipment: I recommend noting down interesting places on a map. I have been hauling my brother and sister-in-law around Prague and it's very useful to pull up a map covered in pins and go "oh hey there's X to see here"