#damage gets done is one of the best songs on the album fight me

[ellalalala]

When Hozier said "I haven't felt it since then, I don't know how the feeling ended but I know being reckless and young is not how the damage gets done" and when Brandi said "now we're always missing something, I miss when we did not need much" and when they proceeded to say "all I needed was someone when the whole wide world felt young" yeah

[kiss-me-muchoo]

𝐲𝐨𝐮+𝐦𝐞, 𝐛𝐢𝐠 𝐫𝐞𝐩𝐮𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 || 𝐌𝐢𝐠𝐮𝐞𝐥 𝐎’𝐇𝐚𝐫𝐚 𝐱 𝐅𝐞𝐦!𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

𝐒𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲_ Miguel has a bad reputation after the events with Miles and the spot. You saved him once, now you were gonna clear his name. If only he loved you back…. 𝐖𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬_madame web!reader, age gap (legal), idiots to lovers, slow burn, angst, fluff, sexual content 18+, vague, but still piv sex, and oral (f receiving) happy ending, long ass fic, 8.1k words. 𝐀/𝐍_ any song from my favorite album reputation (but this specifically about end game, don’t blame me, delicate, so it goes, CIWYW, and dress)

♪ ♫ My Miguel O’Hara playlist ✰ Index (+ fics here)

___________________________________________

Miguel knew he was lucky to have found you.

You had been his miracle when everything was about to get lost.

A spider woman that was also a telepath, had the ability of clairvoyance, a direct connection with the web of life and destiny.

In every universe, your other versions were blind, sick, and old.

But you were different. Healthy, young, and wise.

“Miguel, you’re the strongest spider I’ve ever seen in my visions. Don’t risk everything you’ve built because of your fears…” you had said with such care and smoothness. And that was enough for him to surrender. He apologized to Miles, begged for help from his fellow spider coworkers, and helped to get rid of the spot.

Although Miguel O’Hara tried and did his best, the damage was done. Nueva York was against him. And half of the spider society too.

He was low-key shocked and depressed. All he ever wanted was to protect as many people as he could. That was his initial thought after carrying the weight of accidentally destroying an entire universe. He wanted to do things right. He wanted a safe place for spiders.

That wasn’t the case in the present though.

Miguel spent most of his days locked in his office. Putting Jess in charge, taking a liking to Ben to be sent on missions. And ignoring the spiders who only were part of the society to help clean the mess spot. He didn’t even visit his apartment in downtown Nueva York. That way he would avoid his city. The one that he had helped, even when the citizens never thanked him.

Miguel knew May's universes. Where people loved their Spider-Man or Spider-Woman. But in Nueva York, it seemed like people were always hesitant about Miguel, well… about Spiderman 2099.

Even the needle that injected the serum Miguel needed, seemed annoying.

He sighed, admitting he was tired.

And it would get worse.

“Hey, Miguel?” Jess asked, poking her head at the entrance of his lab.

“Hmm?”

“People are fighting at the cafeteria again” he exhaled, extremely tired.

“Fuck…” he whispered before activating his mask and following his friend.

“Lyla. Tell me what happened…” the AI appeared immediately and opened a little virtual screen in front of her.

“Another disagreement over the new rules at the HQ” Jessica sighed loudly.

“I don’t get it. We’re giving them a chance to do what they think it’s correct”

That was the issue. After the incidents with The Spot, Miles, and your apparition, Miguel suggested that the spider people could choose whether to stay at the HQ or leave to only work in their respective universes.

But some people wanted to stay, only not with Miguel in charge.

And nobody had the guts to make front to him.

The cafeteria was all barks and curses when Miguel and Jess joined.

“Silence!” The woman yelled. And everyone obeyed, looking shocked and scared even through their masks.

“What happened?” Miguel asked looking down. Even when he knew the reason, he wanted to hear it.

“Nothing, boss. Just this asshole who thinks we should plot against you” said a grey Spider-Man pushing another spider, who seemed to be from a Victorian era.

“We’ve talked about this…” Miguel explained.

“Yeah? Listen, man. I’m only here because my universe always ends up with anomalies. But I don’t want to be your employee. Not after what you did…” said the Victorian spider.

“I’ve also apologized. And it’s been some time for everyone to figure out that I meant it” Nobody said anything.

“That matters? Our perspective has changed. And your apologies can’t soothe it at all”

From the upper level, Peter appeared. Balancing and landing in the middle of the conversation.

“Boy, don’t be like that. We all need each other here. Miguel is not evil, he’s done a lot for us” Miguel was not used to being defended by anyone. And he changed his behavior towards Peter after the incidents. Peter had stayed on his side even after siding with Gwen and Miles.

“Oh, you act like his boyfriend, Peter. What has this asshole done?” Miguel was about to punch Victorian Spider-Man. He was so close…

“That asshole created everything for you to save all the anomalies you claim to have in your universe. Say thank you and don’t be dick…” everyone turned their masks to see you there.

Miguel almost choked.

You were there.

New suit, new haircut, new lipstick. It was you…

“Wow! Y/n! You’re back!” Peter cheered walking to give you a big hug.

“It’s been some time..” you replied smiley.

“Who the hell are you?” The vintage spider asked.

“I’m the one who finished The Spot. And you? Charles Dickens in tights?” Peter and others laughed, surely making Victorian Spider-Man embarrassed.

When you looked again, you finally faced Miguel.

“Hello, Miguel” Your smile was enough to make him feel less worried.

“You’re back…”

“I am. I told you I’d be back” his face remains still. No articulation on any of the muscles, he just stared. And you slightly worried that he might have been not so happy to see you. Until he stepped closer.

“I’m glad you’re here” you smile. Then you face Victorian Spider-Man back.

“I’ll make sure you understand…” through the mask, the vintage spider is giving you a bad look. But you ignore it.

Miguel wonders what you meant. He wants to know everything; why you came back, why you looked happier than the first time, why your hair seemed different, why your lips looked softer. His brain was burning.

The silence dies when most of the spiders start leaving the cafeteria again.

Leaving you alone with Peter, Jess, and Ben who recently joined by the end of the argument.

“So… That was…” Jess babbles but never finishes the sentence.

“I wasn’t threatening him…” you assure her. Miguel eyed you constantly, while Peter could only smile like an idiot.

“So you meant it? How do you plan to make him understand?”

“Not sure yet, but I’ll help” They look confused at each other.

“Mind to elaborate on that?” Jess asks with crossed arms. Not that she didn’t believe you, but you appeared so randomly the first time, and now… the same.

“Hey, we should have dinner to discuss this…” Peter had thought about something, and it would doom everything, for good… and bad. Jess looked at him oblivious, and Miguel remained stoic as usual.

You, on the other hand, were surprised.

Since you were younger, you expected them to not take you seriously. But since day one, they respected you. Which never happened before.

“A dinner? That would actually be nice” Jess agreed.

“We can talk, y/n can explain why she came back and Miguel can be there too” Peter is being silly, but he has faith in his ideas.

“Right, Miguel?” You eye the man, and he only sighs before nodding.

“Awesome, then… How about tomorrow?” Leaving aside the surprise, you smile at the group of adults.

“Okay, so…Jess and I have to go somewhere else.”

“Peter, we don’t-“ Jess tried to say, but Peter shushed her.

“YES!, we need to update our gizmos” exchanging weird looks, they left, leaving you alone with Miguel.

“I’m sorry for… them” you giggle.

“It’s okay, I really like them” he nods. Miguel stares at your shiny and slightly disheveled eyes. Some glitters are scattered across your nose bridge and cheekbones. He wants to clean your face but only stares.

“Do you mind if I stay?” You ask.

“No.”

“Cool.”

“I-, I could show the lab. We have new gizmos” Your excitement is so potent, that even Miguel senses how happy you are.

“I’d like that…”

“Okay. Follow me…” his broad back faced you, and obstructed most of your view.

The HQ was still the same as before. Only that seemed… less crowded.

It saddened again the reason why you came back.

A vision.

Miguel O’Hara is accused of being a violent instigator. Many people from Nueva York demanding him to give up on being Spider-Man.

He would be in pain. A silent pain that you would make sure to free him from.

Because you didn’t owe him anything, he did in fact. But you had a feeling, a tingly feeling that made you feel warm.

“Here it is…” You would never know, that he was nervous. About having you there.

“Wow, I’m not a scientist but I know that very few people have something like this” he wants to smile. You inspect everything, with caution and some insecurity.

“You can touch…” the jars with strange contents, the machines, and tools, everything was very interesting.

Miguel wants to slap himself after analyzing what he has said. It might have sounded inappropriate. But you seem to not have minded.

Lyla suddenly appeared beside the tall man. You smiled widely after spotting her looking at some papers.

“Miguel. You left this report incomplete. And-, OH!-… Y/N! HEY!. What are you doing here?”

“Hello, Lyla. I’m here to help if I’m being honest” Her heart-shaped sunglasses now are butterflies ones. And her hair is slightly shorter. Oh, not to mention her couture coat seemed better with some jewelry around.

“Which you haven’t given details of” Miguel added, arms crossed. His arms looked bigger and you wondered how many hours he trained to keep those giant muscles.

“I’m cleaning your reputation, Miguel” you revealed.

His gesture changed, from a cheeky little chuckle to a serious face.

“My reputation?”

“Yes.” You confirm to him. Even Lyla seems surprised.

“How?” He’s unsure of what or how to feel.

“Empathy.” he laughs. You hear an actual laugh from Miguel O’Hara, even if it’s sarcastic.

“Really? Empathy? You think empathy will make people understand that I’m not a danger to them?” Lyla hurries to appear beside you, like trying to defend you from Miguel.

“When I do things I don’t even want or need to, empathy is what I feel for them” Suddenly, Miguel remembers you are a telepath. And the reason why you came to him the first time, is because you saw something.

“I’m sorry” he apologizes.

“It’s fine. Just… believe on this, please” The lab was in complete silence. Only the beeping sound of a machine draws your attention away from the man in front of you.

Miguel had no choice. He didn’t have the heart to say no to you. Besides, he was still eager to get to know you better.

“Okay.”

“Hey. Can’t you just like to erase their minds and boom? Done?” Lyla asks. You smile at her.

“I’m not powerful enough to do that. But there’s something related I can do. However, I prefer to explain in more detail with the others. Is that okay?” Miguel nods again but wonders what you meant by saying you were not powerful enough, you were literally the only spider person with telepathy and clairvoyance.

“So… See you tomorrow? At dinner?” Lyla inspects your face. She gets lost in your irises, and Lyla’s processing unit makes a statement. One that she will reveal to Miguel just after you leave.

“I guess so.” You giggle and it makes Miguel awkward. He felt some kind of comfort at hearing you laugh.

“Hey, I like your new suit,” you say pointing at his chest before waving goodbye to him and Lyla.

As soon as you disappeared through the door, Lyla squealed and went straight to Miguel giving little hops.

“OH MY GOSH! Did you see that? TELL ME YOU SAW THAT, MIGUEL”

“What are you talking about?” Miguel asked getting heavily annoyed by the AI.

“Well… y/n!. She was so sweet, and the eyes. OH MY!, THE EYES!”

“Could you stop screaming?”

“Oh c’mon, Miguel. You saw it, right?” Lyla pushed.

“What, Lyla?”

“She had heart eyes. And dude, she was definitely flirting by the end” Miguel’s blood went cold. He felt even more awkward, a strange feeling running through his arms, chest, and stomach.

He didn’t like it.

“No. You’re wrong, Lyla”

“I’m an AI, you programmed me to be straight and precise about the things I see”

shit, she was right.

“Okay, enough of this. Call Ben, there’s patrol on earth-37” he acidly said. Lyla shrugged, leaving immediately.

Miguel replayed Lyla’s words over and over.

He could never see you other than a workmate. Probably not even a friend. You were younger, you had suffered your own pain as far as he knew and you had different goals than him.

But you were so sweet, you appeared to help him and you didn’t expect anything in return. This time, you were there for him, again. And your hopes to help and succeed were something Miguel couldn’t crush, he wouldn’t even try.

He didn’t dislike you, but he didn’t believe you turned out to be his epiphany.

He was totally wrong.

…

The sound of glasses, faded conversations and laughs ruled the fancy restaurant.

It’s an early night, the place is full. Miguel chose the best restaurant in Nueva York. A steak and salad place with holographic trees and dim lights. The terrace is also full, but you are inside with your friends… and Miguel.

To Miguel’s dismay, the only thing he has eyes and ears for… were for you.

“And then, my parents discovered the suit. That’s when I had to tell them, it was so embarrassing. But we’re okay at least” Peter was laughing with Jess as they told him how his family discovered you were Spider Woman last Thanksgiving.

“Just because of a burnt turkey?” Peter mocked.

“Just because of a burnt turkey.” You confirm laughing.

For a second, you exchange looks with Miguel and you hurry to sip from your wine. The man noticed and felt guilty. He had been so quiet and he didn’t want you to feel like he was hating the night.

“Isn’t it funny, Miguel?” Peter asks. In his twisted mind, Peter B. Parker really thought he could play Cupid.

Both men were seated together, with you and Jess across them. And you had to be facing Miguel. He stops chewing his food and looks at Peter, but doesn’t reply.

“Do they know about the society?” Miguel didn’t care if society was not a secret anymore. A lot had changed.

You sighed, placing your hair behind your ear.

“I never confirmed it to them. But they must know, they are scientists after all” you shyly explain. He nods, paying attention to your outfit. A maroon dress that seemed elegant, salmon makeup all over your face, and some tiny glitters shined on your eyes.

“Hey, I like your lipstick.” Jess complimented tapping at her own lips.

“Thanks, it’s an old brand back at home” she nodded. And Miguel looked at your lips too. Again that salmon tone, made you look younger.

“We haven’t discussed any of the important stuff” Jess and you stopped talking before turning to look at Miguel.

“Oh, right” Once again, Miguel didn’t mean to sound so harsh. He knew your eyes usually got stuck on his turtleneck sweater to avoid his eyes.

A sudden clatter caught everyone’s attention. When you turned around, a lot of people started screaming and hurrying to run away.

Explosions end up unleashing chaos.

Immediately you and your companions stand up, and through the crystals of the wide windows of the restaurant you see the cause of all the sudden violence.

“Isn’t that…?”

“Lightning?” Miguel asks back, confirming to Jess and Peter that an old enemy is back.

You immediately assumed it was a female variation of Electro. A woman with red hair, a green and golden costume, and a mask covering her eyes.

“Female electro?” Everyone nodded to you.

Since the restaurant was now empty, everyone activated their suits.

Miguel barely had time to see the new webs you had. The first time, he met the first spider with no webs, he wondered how you operated in your earth. Now, you had created some potent glittery webs.

But he focused on Lightning.

“Missed me, love?” The woman asks as soon as Miguel threatens her for the first time in the night.

“Don’t call me that.” Miguel despised the woman. She was pretty, but annoying and horrible.

Lightning attacked Miguel and the bright lights made you turn away from the bridge Peter, Jess and you were trying to stop from collapsing.

“Go. Miguel needs you” Peter said to you, groaning as he did his best to save everyone.

“But I can’t leave you two alone”

“Just go!” Jess added too.

Doubting, you end up breaking the webs you made.

You follow the lights.

You swing across the futuristic city with desperation because you know Miguel does not possess a spider-sense.

Also, you realized a night before, how much you cared about him.

Miguel was still an enigma. You barely knew him, yet… You felt like you had some influence.

The moment you told him in the middle of the chaos to stop chasing Miles, to do the right thing. It felt special.

Like your voice had an effect that wasn’t part of the telepathy you handled.

In the present, you gasp when another lightning hits near the top of a building.

With your webs, you land. Only to see Miguel cornering the woman.

He is saying something to her.

You don’t like the image.

This electro woman was very flirty and cheeky, she was pretty and strong.

You had no right, though.

She is about to hurt Miguel but you make her hand shoot some bright electricity into the air.

Both turn to look at you.

“A telepathic spider? That’s new…” Lighting says sarcastically.

“…y/n” Miguel calls.

The red-haired woman smirks looking at Miguel.

“Looks like you have a new little girlfriend” Miguel feels angered, and she pushes her further into the wall, making her laugh.

“Oh no, I’ve been replaced” you cringe. But an uncomfortable feeling sets in your stomach.

“You’ve never been an option” Miguel eyes you, and you don’t know how to feel about the whole action.

The woman seems angered, and before she can attack him again, you make some of the lobes of her brain freeze.

She falls on her knees and covers her eyes.

Miguel looks shocked. He knows you’re doing something, but he hurries to handcuff her.

“I’m sending her to the HQ” You nod at him.

Miguel opens a portal and pushes her to the HQ.

“…y/n” he calls you once the portal closes again.

You have the feeling that he’s gonna tell you something about the woman. Like he wanted to explain who she was.

You didn’t want to hear. Even if it meant Miguel could possibly like you.

You look to your right, to the skyscrapers. You can hear some people screaming. Probably scared of the bridge that was about to fall.

Your excuse.

You don’t even look at Miguel, you swing away.

He sighs, hands on his hips.

At that moment, two statements were made.

I have no right to be jealous, but I think I like him; you thought.

I don’t like how this feels, but I think I’m falling for her.

…

The heels in your boots end up making everyone turn to look at you at the HQ. Some bad looks, some impressed.

However, most are bad looks.

“Good morning, y/n. How are you?” Lyla pops out of nowhere. You smile at her.

“I’m good. How is everything doing?”

“Uhm…”

“Lyla?” You ask, growing worried.

“The night Lightning attacked the people from the bridge. They demand Spider-Man 2099 to leave the city.

You gasp in horror.

“I need to see Miguel” Somehow you end up jogging towards his office.

Cautiously, you enter the dark room.

Miguel is focused on his screens. His platform is lower than usual. And his back is facing you.

“Miguel…” you greet and call him.

He doesn’t flinch. You can feel how angry he was. His shoulders were slightly hunched, the way he breathed telling you how hard he was trying to remain calm.

Because of you.

You wanted to think this ability to sense emotions wasn’t always accurate. Because the way Miguel felt indicated that he might like you.

“We’re gonna fix this…”

“How?” He abruptly turns around. You are startled by his red eyes, his talons evident. And somehow he looked even taller.

“You can’t help me, y/n. And I’m not going to get you in any trouble” your heart swells. Beyond his anger, you can see softness. Miguel looks at the edge of being pouty.

It gets confusing. Is it just a crush or are you falling in love?.

“It’s over. Lightning was an annoying recurrent figure in Nueva York, she was plotting with Sinister Six from your Earth to bring back another spot. The civilians are tired, they don’t want any spiders anymore. It’s over, y/n” You shake your head, getting close to him.

That strange feeling invades his arms, chest, and stomach. Only that it’s not strange anymore. Miguel knows the feeling only appears whenever you’re around. It’s his heart telling him that his growing in love with you.

You take his hands. And when he tries to flinch again, you stop him, squeezing his hands tighter.

“No. Listen to me. The last vision I had, was about this. I’m not leaving you alone” he wonders if the vision said something about you two being together. Then he regretted it, thinking he was being too reckless and going further. Even if they were only thoughts in his head.

“Why? Why are you doing this?” You want to say you’re falling in love with him. That you never felt so attached to anyone. That you wanted him to be okay because you cared for him despite barely knowing him.

You don’t. Not entirely…

“Call me crazy, but back home, I don’t have anyone. And after the vision of the spot and the chaos. I feel so attached to you” Ever since Gabriella, Miguel hadn’t been emotional. He blocked his feelings, but you come and say you feel closer to him.

“I know that feeling” you offer him a brief smile.

Trying to hide your disappointment. You didn’t expect him to confess his love for you. But you hoped he would say more.

Still, his talons disappeared. His red eyes returned to the usual dark and warm brown.

By the way, he’s also attached to you now.

“Lyla?” You call the AI. She appears and smiles at you.

“Yes, y/n?”

“Could you please call a press conference?” Miguel’s eyes widen.

It had been years since he was involved in a press conference. The last time he was in one, was before becoming Spider-Man. When he had a full-time job at Alchemax.

“You’ll see what I’m capable of…” he’s smitten. He’s fully attracted to you know. But he’s so afraid of losing you. He knew that when he fell for a woman, he loved hard. Literally, only death could break the love spell in him. And yet, he sweetly remembered his first love, his late wife and Gabriella.

Once again, he didn’t like the feeling.

…

Being Spider-Man is a responsibility. We are aware of the dangers it comes with. However, behind the masks, we are humans. And behind the mask of the Spider-Man of this city, there’s a good man. A man with a warm heart who had always thought about the people, even if it meant putting himself in second place. You blame the only person that decides to sacrifice to ensure your security. You call him a danger for fighting the danger he doesn’t plan. You say his a bad person, but I dare you to spend a year without a hero. I won’t minimize what the police department and other branches do. But you’ll need someone bigger. All of you know it’s true.

All of you are in your right to not like the Spider-Man from your city. But you have to accept making him your enemy when he’s the first one to help you, will not take you anywhere. He built a place for spiders to help and keep everyone safe. The least you can do is respect him. And thank him that we can help you. Next time, that bridge might fall, and all the people on it, they’ll collapse.

Any questions?

Jess and Lyla were hearing your speech in Miguel’s office. Lyla is smiling like a Cheshire Cat, and Jess smirks.

“Yup, she ate,” Jess said with her arms crossed.

“Look at the way she smiles at Miguel. I’m dying” Lyla fan girls over the screen that shows you and him. Flashes are evident, the NYPD logo in the back, the American flag, and the microphone cover the image.

In the footage, questions can be heard.

How many spiders work in the base our Spider-Man built? Is there a multiverse? Are you Spider-Man’s wife?

Miguel only knew one thing.

You fulfilled your promise. People apologized, but the HQ remained secret despite Nueva York knowing Miguel had founded a group at least.

“She made it” Jess added, standing beside Miguel.

“Did she say something else?” The man did not like the tone her friend opted for. Playful and nosy.

“About what?”

“ I don’t know. Y/n seems like a good girl” Lyla also added.

“Jessica” the woman knew she had to hush.

“I’m just saying. She’s linked to the web of life and destiny. What could be wrong?”

“And, she just cleared your image the society’s”

“Lyla shut up.” Miguel pleaded.

“Don’t you think so?”

“That’s exactly the problem, Jess. I don’t want to find out what could possibly go wrong” For the first time, indirectly, Miguel accepted he had feelings for you.

“Aha, Jess!. Miguel just admitted he likes y/n” Both Jess and Miguel glare at Lyla.

“Miguel. You can’t keep living like this. Believe me, it’s not gonna happen again” he knew he was closer to leaving his past behind. But your image and the feelings he had for you made him remember everything.

“I don’t know, Jess.”

Oh, he knew.

…

Gwen Stacy almost burned the apartment when she heard you scream. She threw a napkin to the stove, setting it on fire. But quickly throwing the burned piece to the sink.

She ran to your bedroom, only to find a nail polish glass shattered on your floor, the scarlet red making it look like blood.

The smell was intense and you were cursing.

Gwen had to laugh.

“You killed someone”

“I killed my look” you pointed at the top and skirt on your bed. Gwen arched an eyebrow.

“Who are you trying to impress?”

“Miguel. But I know I look hot in it. It’s not entirely because of him” the girl nodded.

She knew you liked Miguel.

And while the blonde had seen some changes in the grumpy man, she also knew you were experiencing different things with him.

“I can’t picture this. You having a date with him”

“It’s not a date” you state.

“Really? Fancy restaurant, HE asked you out, the outfit, and that lipstick!. You can’t trick me” you roll your eyes. But you love having her as a roomie.

Miguel approved her to live with you. With the condition to not cause any disturbance in your earth.

She followed the rules very well.

“If you’re not here in the morning, I’ll tell your parents” Gwen was trying to be serious, but you laughed, cleaning the nail polish mess with her.

“I can legally drink, Gwen. And if I don’t come home, I’m in good hands” Gwen pretends to be vomiting.

“The nail polish couldn’t make me puke, but your comment and whatever implying sure did” You can’t stop laughing.

She takes the glasses away and you can finally enter the shower.

…

He never learned.

Miguel was at the edge of being tipsy. That never happened.

But he offered a dinner to you.

Three weeks after the press conference, he had spent so much time with you.

In his office, in the HQ cafeteria, the rooftop of his apartment. Hours and hours of talking, eating together, even laughing.

“I’ll get the squash blossom and a tlayuda. What about you, Miguel?” You pull him out of his thoughts. He smiles at you and glances quickly at the menu.

“I want the Oaxacan fondue and the tasajo, well-cooked term” The waitress takes the order and disappears.

“We can share” he adds, making your smile grow as you nod.

He had to like you back. The things you’ve shared together. Friends don’t do that.

Miguel O’Hara didn’t make friends to begin with, this had to be love.

You had this aquamarine top full of sequins, a long denim squirt, and green shimmery heels. You wanted him to take the clothes away.

You weren’t rushing, after a whole month and a half of reuniting with him, you couldn’t deny your desires. At least they came after realizing you were in love with him.

“You look very pretty” Your cheeks turn red, and he giggles noticing it.

“Thanks. Don’t expect me to say the same, you always look gorgeous”

Shameless flirting, oh, you two had lost it.

As you eat your food, you can see his hungry eyes.

The first time you sensed he was having a lewd thought about you was some days ago. When his hands ended on your hips. You thought about it too. You wished he gripped them harder.

As the food finishes and the drinks too, your leg brushes his. Your shoulder brushes his and in a hazy moment. You kiss him, passionately.

He can’t run away. He knows he loves you. He is tipsy, and he also wants to kiss you so badly.

So he makes you happy by grabbing your hips again, harder like he didn’t know you wanted.

“Please, take me to bed” he nods between kisses. And he thinks the restaurant is dark, enough to drag the attention away.

He pays the check against your insistence of paying half of it. But Miguel makes you shut up with another deep kiss.

His lips were softer than you imagined, and his hands were bigger than you could ever thought.

And in the first alley, he opens a portal straight to his bedroom. Not even the entrance of his place.

You can’t believe what happens.

You don’t even remember when he took off your clothes and laid you in the middle of his giant bed.

“You’re so gorgeous,” you say moving your hands across his strong six-pack. His core was so tight that you think it’s impossible.

“But look at you, muñeca. I’m so lucky…” he says kissing your lower belly.

You know what’s coming. You’re desperate, eager for him to reach your wet folds with his lips and tongue.

“Oh-, ah…Miguel!” You moan arching your back, the intrusion of his tongue making feel you so desirable.

“You like it, Nena?” You nod moaning. Hands pinching your own nipples, eyes focused on the city at your right. Through the window, your eyes focused on the bright lights.

“Yes, yes. Oh-, fuck…” his tongue circled your clit, making you squirm everything the hood of it was uncovered. A lot was happening that night.

“Miguel!, Too much!”

“Too much, mami? We’re just starting…” how he dare? To be that hoot and sweet at the same time.

“No. Fuck me, please” you plead, massaging his scalp, making him even harder. His cock was at the edge of feeling painful, the head leaking more than ever.

“You think you’re ready to take me?” The sight is glorious, his hair disheveled, mouth shining thanks to you.

“I’m a big girl. Don’t stop even if I cry” he felt nasty, but he was about to have you.

“Good. Now spread those legs for me…” You slowly do it, teasing him. Miguel lost it when he saw you throb around nothing.

Maybe it was the alcohol, or the love, but even the pain was pleasure.

He ripped you open, but it only made you wetter.

He kissed your tears away. And promised to make you see stars.

Miguel was so down for you, that he accidentally said it.

“Fuck, I love you” you were so lost in the pleasure. His tip is to give your cervix the massage you ever asked for. The veins covering his cock draw patterns across your warm walls.

“Ah-, I love you too, Miguel” He almost stopped fucking you.

Miguel fought the tears as he concentrated on the pleasure.

He quickly got lost in your increasing moans. Your face of pleasure was enough.

And as if it was for the attachment you mentioned weeks ago, both of you reached the biggest orgasm.

A panting mess, but he caught you in his arms. He kissed your forehead and held you the whole night.

…

The first seconds of the morning, you don’t know where are you. But then, you feel a massive body beside you, Miguel.

His room is so boring. It’s grey, and most of the furniture is darker. Only some perfumes and candles stand out in bright colors.

You smile fondly. Instantly remembering the night before.

He treated you so well, and he said he loved you.

“Good morning,” you say once he starts opening his eyes.

Regret floods him.

‘Hey…’ he greets you.

He gave in, he had everything under control. But then you came with that stupid sequin top. And your perfume smelled so damn well. Then your eyes gave him that look. So he lost.

Miguel couldn’t love you. Because that meant you would suffer. One way or another, even if it was unsure.

Even when the annoying voice of Lyla replayed in his head, saying that he deserved someone like you.

“This shouldn’t have happened,” he said, hoarse voice stumbling across the room. He stands up, his naked upper body appearing in your sight.

“What?” You ask confused, panic building up. As you prepare for the worst. Failing…

“This was a mistake”

“No. Stop it…” you say sitting up, covering your chest with the sheets.

“Y/n…”

“Stop pushing me away!. All these weeks we’ve had amazing times, but you keep avoiding it. You’re not gonna lose me” you plead, touching his shoulder.

“I think it’s better to keep some distance” tears start forming. You swallow the lump.

“You said you loved me” you try, your last hope.

‘I was drunk. I don’t love you, I was just lucky to end up having you in my bed. Like I could have ended up having anyone else” you sob, he closes his eyes, swallowing his lies and trying to ignore the pain in his chest.

You were right, he was pushing you away.

“If you are so afraid of repeating your errors, you could have said it straight to my face. No need to be a fucking asshole and imply I’m a whore” you say, hurrying up to get out of the bed.

“That’s not what I meant. It’s-“

“You can lie to yourself. But not to me. Appreciate me one last time, because you’ll never see me like this again” The venom in your voice panics him.

You stare at him, naked, crying, and realizing all you did for him, meant nothing. You could feel how much he loved you. The ability to sense his emotions. But you would never force him to do anything.

“I came back to help you because I had a vision. Of you being hated, the HQ crumbling. But I would save you. And we would end up together.” It takes him aback.

As you activate your suit, his gizmo beeps. The alarm of an anomaly.

Six anomalies in your earth.

“Wait, y/n” Miguel pleads. To prevent you from fighting without notice, and to know more about your vision.

He believed in the thing you saw. Maybe your visions were even more powerful than canon.

But before he could grab your hand. You disappeared.

“Mierda…” he said, activating his suit too and heading towards the HQ.

…

The HQ seemed fine. As Miguel paced to learn more about the anomalies in your earth.

Only that everyone was reading some newspaper.

El mañanero is the most famous newspaper in Nueva York.

Headliner? Local Spider-Man has a Spider-Woman lover?

A picture of you and him in your suits. A picture someone likely took in disguise as you two had a patrol.

Miguel barely pays attention as he feels even more stressed.

He knows you are so strong, but he worries as there are six anomalies at the same time. Which could be attacking you at the same time.

“Lyla?” He calls her desperately.

“Yes, I know. There are a bunch of anomalies with y/n. I called you”

“Is she okay?”

“Let me check, but what are you doing here?” Miguel rolled his eyes.

“I need to locate the anomalies. And call for backup”

“Since it’s y/n. Everyone is available. They’re coming…” Suddenly, Peter, Mayday who was learning to walk now, Pavitr, Gwen, Miles, Penni, Noir, Jess, and Ben appeared.

“How the hell did the sinister six decide to attack y/n’s earth today?” Jess revealed the enemy and complained. A mission on Saturday morning, how annoying.

“Looks like Lightning finished her deal with them” Peter was the one who discovered the female electro for the first time. And he knew the woman constantly allied with them.

“What do we do?” Noir asks Miguel.

“Split into two groups. We don’t know which variants they are. And-…”

“Miguel?” Lyla interrupts. He only stares.

“I checked y/n’s suit vital signs. Slow blood pressure and high heartbeats. She’s not okay…” Miguel felt like he couldn’t breathe. And he didn’t think twice, he only repeated to the group to split, as he was the first one to leave.

…

Your New York was a chaos. The usual anomaly mess.

Jess, Noir, and Peter were fighting Kraven and Vulture, and Miles and Pavitr were focused on Mysterio. While near the waters, Penni and Miles were about to finish Sandman. With the help of Ben, Miguel had just finished with Doctor Octopus.

Because his head was distracted by the thought of you. He wonders how fast were you weakening. As you stated before that trying new abilities with your mind left you very tired.

He also worried that his words in the morning were making you fight worse. All those insecurities only grew as time passed and he wasn’t next to you yet.

Gwen was nowhere to be found. Until she appeared on Miguel’s gizmo.

“Miguel, I found her. Sixth Avenue, she’s fighting Electro. Hurry up!” Unbeknownst to him, Gwen had sneaked away from the fight to find you.

And to everyone’s unawareness, Gwen was highly worried about you. You were the first one to offer him a home after Miguel sent her home when all the problems with Miles started.

It was an issue once he discovered it. But you as the sweetest woman she ever met, made Miguel change his mind.

You were her role model, an older sister who stood up for her when no one did.

And now she feared losing you like she did with Peter. Now she had her dad back, but it would never take away what you did for her.

Electro had no mercy. Some of the electricity hitting you. The blonde girl balanced from a lamppost faster to reach you.

She abruptly stopped once she analyzed what you were doing. Something with your mind. Because you weren’t moving.

And like an invisible force protected you, it also weakened the villain.

As soon as Electro fell to the ground. Your web broke and you fell, unconscious.

Gwen gasped in horror, jumping to prevent you from dying.

Time seemed to pass like a flash. Gwen’s heart beat so fast that she was sweating as her hand was already positioned to catch you in the air.

Once her hands touched your body, Gwen knew she made it. She pulled you to her chest and balanced with you. Until she placed you on the grass in some secluded area of the park.

“No, no, no. Y/n…” Gwen was near the tears. She quickly searched for your pulse. And after confirming you were breathing, she felt less worried. But very stressed.

“Please. Be strong…” she said.

That’s when Miguel found you.

His mask immediately disintegrated to inspect you.

“She’s alive” Gwen soothes him. Give him some space to hold you.

“What happened?”

“She finished Electro with her mind. She must’ve passed out from the exertion. But I see she has bruises and her leg is extremely tense” the girl explained, with a broken voice.

“She’s gonna be fine, kid. I promise” Miguel knew how important you were to Gwen. He also had to be an adult and remain calm.

Even if deep down he was just as broken as Gwen after seeing your face with blood, bruises, and a weak appearance.

“Tell Miles and Penni to catch Electro” Gwen wiped her watery eyes and nodded. Giving you one last look, she shot a web and left.

“Lyla. Please scan her…” The AI appeared and applied some blue scans all over your body.

“Low oxygen levels and blood pressure, left leg is sprained, two ribs are swollen. Aside from that, she’s stable. We need to take her to the HQ” Miguel nodded, quickly turning off Lyla.

Miguel inspected you. And he smiled.

“I’ll never push you away again. Never…” he promised, carrying you in his arms before he opened a new portal.

…

You violently squirm once you move after opening your eyes.

Panic invades you as you don’t remember what happened.

“Hey. It’s okay…” you hear a voice. As soon you turn you see Miguel.

You’re in your bed. Distant voices can be heard.

“I don’t know what happened?” you ask, slowly sitting against the headboard. Ever the gentleman he is, Miguel pulls a bunch of pillows behind your back.

“The Sinister Six from your earth,” Miguel says. He remains looking at you, arms crossed and surprisingly he’s in normal clothes.

“Whatever you did to Electro, nearly killed him and it exhausted you. We took you to the HQ. You slept for a day and then we brought you home” You nod. A lot of questions still floating in your head.

You are mad at him, but how long?

“Do you know why they attacked?” Miguel nods.

“What Lightning from my earth said. They wanted to bring back a variant of The Spot” your stomach churns, and your cheeks heat in embarrassment.

“Are you hungry? Gwen invited everyone. I said she should let you rest. But she insisted you’d like to wake up with everyone here” he likes how you start smiling.

“She’s right.” Your hair is disheveled, lazy eyes and smile make you look adorable. Miguel wants to squeeze your cheeks and kiss you softly.

And he realizes that he had hurt you when all you wanted was to make him see the truth.

“If you let me. I’ll never push you away again, y/n” The subject change takes you by surprise.

“I felt so attached to you too. From the moment you appeared out of nowhere and changed my path,” you don’t say anything.

“Maybe I already loved you when you came back the second time. Every moment with you is comforting. You helped me, even if you didn’t owe me anything” his words are taking you on a curve. Hearing him open his heart would leave you a mess of tears.

“And that night. You appeared to that restaurant looking so fucking beautiful. You kissed me and I knew I had already won. I meant it when I said I love you.” his voice is smooth, you sense the honesty. He sits at the edge of your mattress, beside you.

“The only reason why I said those awful things was because I thought that would push you away enough to stay away from a mistake like me. And all the chaos I bring whenever I go” he explains, asking permission to hold your hand. His long fingers play with your knuckles, and it comforts him more than ever.

“You are not a mistake. You are so brave and strong. You kept going after all the horrible things that happened to you. And you dared to fall in love with me. Why would you push me away? When I know we’re meant to be together” silence fills the room. It’s only you crying in silence and Miguel in your chest.

“Can you forgive and give me another chance?” You nod, pulling him closer to kiss him.

“Yes. But you should know I want a loyal, loving, honest, and devoted partner”

“Ay, querida. Right now I only have eyes for a woman, and that’s you. And I know as long as you’re alive, my feelings will remain the same” he accepts another kiss.

“Now let me get ready to have a nice dinner with our friends” Miguel had come to accept the bunch of spiders in your place, where his friends were too. They made you happy, and they cared for him.

“You should rest” Miguel warned you as he saw you jumó out of bed.

“You had a sprained leg and two injured ribs, y/n” you shrug, taking a dress out of your closet.

“I feel amazing. And I’m just taking a shower. You can sit in the toilet and wait for me” Miguel changed his demeanor. He had time to smirk and feel cheeky about it.

“I thought you said I’ll never see you naked again” You roll your eyes.

“We can still do that” Miguel hurried to get inside the bathroom and patiently sat on the toilet. He looked like a giant among your cosmetics, shampoos, and colorful towels.

“I oppose,” he says making you laugh. With his help, he removes the bandages on your leg and helps you get inside the shower.

You like that the makeup was fast, and straight to the point. You two were compromised to work for a future together.

You were okay with it.

…

Penni is the first person to hug you once you enter the backyard of the apartment.

Then Margo who you hadn’t seen in weeks but Gwen moved her to hold you tightly.

“I was so worried. And I hope you don’t mind this little party. I thought you would want to be surrounded by friends and-“

“Gwen, it’s perfect. Thank you” You soothe her anxiety hugging her back.

But you start laughing when you spot Peter and Pavitr on the grill, cooking some steak and vegetables.

“Really? I was passed out and you two are grilling?”

“But it’s for you…” Peter defends himself. You laugh, a squeak of excitement filling the backyard when Noir hands you not-so-baby Mayday.

“Mayday, my big baby!” She coos and says random words.

“Baby…” she says holding her doll.

“Yeah, it’s a baby” you confirm giggling.

During the whole interaction, Miguel is behind you holding your hips. In his defense, he didn’t want you to apply much pressure with your post-injured leg.

Mayday places the baby in your lower belly, cooing.

“Baby” the little girl repeats. You blush and Miguel looks awkwardly.

“Oh…” you manage to say.

“Little girl is implying something” Jess intervenes, laughing teasingly.

“Not yet, Jess” Miguel says.

“Not yet?” Your shocked tone makes him laugh while he rubs your back.

“That’s what usually happens when you plan on marrying someone” he whispers in your ear and your cheeks could explode from how red they were.

“There’s a baby in my arms, O’Hara” Mayday seemed to preoccupied with throwing webs at the sky. However, you just wanted to mess with Miguel. You let Mayday walk around the grass, and soon Miles goes after her.

“Hopefully one in your belly soon” you almost choke.

“You’re so annoying. Who would’ve thought?” He hears your stomach churn again as soon the steak smell fills the air.

He shrugs proudly.

“What do you say then? We can disappear for a couple of months to have some time together. Would you marry me?” Neither of you knew what had possessed Miguel to be so chill and open. He meant it. He wanted to call you his wife. Put a ringer on your finger, wear your initials on his neck, and make you the mother of his children.

“Would you cut the steak in strips for me?” He couldn’t help but chuckle.

“Yes, I can do that for you, y/n”

“Then yes. I’ll marry you.” He kisses you without shame. Nobody notices though.

You take a seat on the little patio furniture and you breathe.

Everyone is happy. You look at Miguel, who’s with Peter and Pavitr on the grill, they’re talking and the others are scattered doing random things.

But you look at him. You would do anything for him, you could forgive him because he would never intentionally hurt you. You could hate everything and everyone, but him.

_____________________________________________

Taglist: @rachelm1418 @chiikasevennn @sarapaprikas-blog @johfaam @viriexo @homewreckingwreck @nirvanaaaonly @pigeonmama

[alolowrites]

Missed You

Summary: Bakugou realizes how much he still misses you after seeing you at the Hero Gala.  

Song Inspiration: “Missed You” by The Weeknd

Tropes: Song fics

Author’s Note: Hey everyone!! So this fic is for @byougen​ for the Attack on Academia Secret Santa event! It took me a while to figure out what I wanted to write and went through so many drafts/ideas until I landed with this one. I’m a huge fan of The Weeknd and I’ve been listening to his recent album After Hours nonstop that an AI bot roasted me so hard for it (lmao). 

I hope you like, it’s been quite some time that I wrote an angst fic too (but there’s a happy-ish ending?? idk, but it’s not sad at the end hahaha). Enjoy!

Word Count: 1K+

“This is so fucking stupid.”

Bakugou yanked the damn black tie that suffocated his neck, not caring if the fabric ripped in two. The pro hero needed fresh air; the disgusting stench of luxurious fragrances irritated him so much, he thought he might actually explode. At least, that was what Bakugou wanted to believe. Deep down, it was seeing you tonight at the Hero Gala.  

Through the thick crowds, Bakugou froze after spotting you across the grand ballroom, looking radiant as the sun. Your smile was warm and inviting, the same one that blessed his eyes when he first met you almost a year ago. The smile faltered when you locked eyes with him, and Bakugou couldn’t look away.

However, that was the last thing he wanted to do. After three months of darkness, Bakugou was staring into the light that was your mesmerizing eyes. But the moment was brief, and you eventually blinked away, composing yourself before greeting a random guest with a polite shake. Bakugou clenched his fist to control the sharp pain shooting through his heart.

He stormed out of the ballroom, hunching over the balcony with ragged breaths. The joyous celebration faded in and out until it disappeared. His simmering red eyes glared at the stony surface that nearly turned into dust. He gritted out, “I’m so fucking stupid. So damn stupid—”

“Katsuki?”

His heart skipped a beat. That voice—the one that sounded like the sweetest song which haunted his mind every night—made his ears twitched. Bakugou stood like a statue yet was internally shaking as he heard your footsteps get closer. You were beside him, just not as close as Bakugou had hoped for.

Staring forward, he grunted, “What do you want?”

“I, um, needed some fresh air,” you cleared your throat, feeling the heat radiating off Bakugou’s body. “It was getting crowded inside.”

“Tch, the place is always so damn crowded.”  

“Mind if I stay out here for a bit?”

“Whatever.”

Bakugou shoved one hand into his pocket, inhaling silently to calm down his racing heart that threatened to burst through his rib cage. Your voice hasn’t changed one bit, and it drove him insane. He tried to remain strong, but curiosity got the best of him, and he secretly peeked your way; yup, it was you, alright. Bakugou’s eyes closed as he cursed at the damn universe for making tonight so fucking difficult.

Even with eyes closed, he could read you loud and clear. “You got something to say, so spill.”

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

“You sure?” Bakugou turned to look at you, swallowing a thick gulp and possibly burning the pants’ pocket. Damn your warm, concerned eyes that easily lowered all of his defensive walls; they were staring at him, a vulnerable side that only a few people had seen. Bakugou felt his stoic mask crumble as you slowly slid closer toward him. “You know you can always talk to me.”

Bakugou stayed quiet, his whole body shaking as your fingers brushed below his chin. A jolt ran down his spine, your touches igniting a flame that was on its last dying breath. His crimson eyes watched as you fixed his unkempt black tie like always. Whether he had those business meetings or needed to attend the dreaded hero functions, such as the Hero Gala, you always fixed his tie. It was never too loose or too tight around his neck.

He could never get it right after letting you go. It was the biggest mistake Bakugou made in his life. He fucking missed you so much, but the damage was already done. And his heart was like a lone wolf howling at the moon, mourning the loss of something special.

“There,” you tugged the tie into place, a small smile gracing your lips. “All fixed now.”

“…thank you.”

You nodded, straightening the dress shirt’s wrinkles along his collarbone. Old habits apparently die hard; you then stopped and stared at his tie. Eventually, your eyes wandered up to gaze directly into his own, drowning in the sorrowing red sea. The waves were crashing upon you as Bakugou leaned dangerously close to your face, yet you didn’t move an inch.

A part of you didn’t want to. Like Bakugou, you missed him as well. As much as you tried moving on, tried to heal your broken heart, you kept aching for him. The man was your first love, and he will forever stay with you no matter where you go. But you couldn’t go back with him. At least not right now.

With a sigh, you reached for his calloused hands and held them close to yours. Bakugou flickered between them and your woeful eyes, though a trembling smile fought so hard to stay on your face.

“Even though we’re not together anymore,” your lips parted, whispering so softly that Bakugou clenched his jaw to stay strong, “just know that I will always care for you, Katsuki.”

Bakugou lowered his head, letting your words burn into his memory. He squeezed your hands before loosening his grip on them. You thought that was the end of it and took a step back, but Bakugou stopped you. Your chest tightened when he rasped out your name.

“I’m sorry if I let you down,” he murmured, exhaling through his nose as you gazed at him. The pro hero slowly raised his head, and your breath hitched. Everything around you vanished except for Bakugou and the unwavering determination swirling inside his warrior eyes. The burning desire grew as he held you for dear life. “But that won’t happen again. I’ll fight for you with everything I got.”

Bakugou flashed you a fervid grin that you’ve seen many times before. It meant one thing—he was prepared to win.

“I don’t give up that easily, princess. Remember that.”

Your heart officially stopped. Bakugou was always a man of his word. The pro hero gave you a final squeeze before letting you go, no longer afraid that you would disappear from his life again. You nodded, not trusting your words at the moment. The music roared from behind, breaking the deafening silence that circled around you both.

Bakugou leaned against the balcony, watching as you numbly drifted away until you slipped through those doors. His gaze never wavered; it was the last thing he wanted to do. Bakugou missed you dearly. And after three months of darkness, he was ready to have you—his light—back into his life.

Thanks for reading!!

[littlemisslipbalm]

“you get me” (famous!y/n x harry)

Famous!y/n x Harry Styles

First Harry fic so please be kind, but feedback is SUPER appreciated

Initially inspired by the picture of Harry leaving the Gucci store with 15 bags but barely has anything to do with that lol

Definitely thought of Ellen for the interview idk why tho - also I struggle with writing Harry’s dialogue because I really want to get it right, but hopefully the more practice I get, the better/more natural it will sound. ALSO i have like no music or music industry background lol. Somewhat proofread, but its 2:30 am so it could be shit

Fluff!

Warnings: maybe some angst over being famous per say, past loneliness

Word Count: 3.7k literally howwww, i’m going to do a pt. 2 though because it was kind of a long set up and feelingsssss

---

Interviewer: Please, welcome our next guest, a woman who’s sure to have her name written up beside the music greats someday, Ms. Y/N L/N!

You can’t contain the grin that spreads to your face as you carry yourself out onto the stage and see the audience cheering for you. It was your third big interview since your first album had been released and you’d seen your fame skyrocket over night. This being the third one this week meant you’d gotten comfortable getting asked questions, but you also weren’t bored of it yet. It was exhilarating being the center of attention, especially for something that had been your life’s work up until this point. You always had to fight for whatever you got and the recognition you were starting to have was reassurance that you hadn’t been a fool to risk a safe and certain life for your dreams.

The interview begins as the rest had, a few pleasantries, how you were feeling, and then the introduction of the album. The host asked you what your inspiration was for some of the songs and the album name and cover. You loved to talk about the music, it was the whole reason you were there. The meaning, the sound, the name, it all meant so much to you and you talked about how music can be interpreted differently by everyone and even the shifts in someone’s mood can change a song’s meaning, but what it meant to you at the time of writing was always something specific. You practiced those answers in the mirror before the interviews because they were important to you and you didn’t want your words on your art to ever be misconstrued. The host then complimented your style and you were at the point where you thought your interview should be wrapping up when they asked you one more question, and it threw you for a loop.

Interviewer: So Y/N, we’ve been hearing some rumblings around, about you and another famous musician, Mr. Harry Styles. Anything going on there?

Your face heated up, you hadn’t been expecting a personal question about possible relationships. Nothing like this had been asked of you at your previous interviews. It’s about the music, the art, and who you were, it’s always about that and nothing more. To be honest, you were a bit annoyed the host had chosen to stray from those topics. You didn’t care for the celebrity side of being a famous musician, the lack of privacy, the prying eyes of media and the general public. They saw enough of you through your art, you bore your soul through music why did they want to peak into your heart as well?

Y/N: I don’t know if I’d rather be with Harry Styles or actually be Harry Styles. Like, he’s literally such an icon, I want to be able to walk out of a Gucci store after spending hours there with 15 bags full of my purchases and helpers to carry it all out c’mon… He’s also an amazing songwriter, musician, and performer, of course. Didn’t mean to sound superficial, but I’d also love to own even half of his closet.

You hadn’t really answered the question, but the audience laughed and the host obviously got the hint that you weren’t interested in fanning any flames of romance with Harry Styles or anyone else. For one, you didn’t even know the man, but you had always been a loving fan of his. You cited him as one of your role models when you were first starting to try and break into the music world. Second, if you did know him, that wouldn’t be an appropriate topic for your album press junket going on, even if it meant more publicity because of Harry’s big celebrity status. The host decided to qualify their original question with a final sentiment.

Interviewer: I totally feel the same way! I only ask because the outpouring of support you’ve received seems to be from similar groups who also follow Harry. Many have been comparing your sound to his solo career work.

Y/N: Ah...well that’s very kind of people to say. He’s definitely a big inspiration, his creativity and drive is incredible. I’d love to be as successful as him someday.

The interview ended. You and the host shook hands and you waved and sent kisses to the crowd before retreating backstage. You were exhausted, but happy. You hoped to avoid anymore stressful interview questions that didn’t truly revolve around music. Of course, life is never that simple.

-

One month later

You had done countless more interviews and talk shows as promo for your album and the buzz around it had continued to grow. Your fame continued to rise as well and that one question you had dodged at your third interview had come back around to bite you, naturally. Daily Mail’s dumb headline read: “Y/N can’t decide! Date Harry Styles or Steal His Closet?” The Sun was also running with your response and miscontruing it completely, something about how you were madly in love with Harry but jealous of his designer partnerships, you couldn’t even stomach reading the garbage. This was your worst nightmare. Not only was it taking away the focus from your album, but you were also sure this dumb gossip had reached the very set of ears that the gossip was allegedly also about.

You had signed with Columbia Records for your first album, the same record label as Harry Styles, so managers had been in contact with one another about the whole fiasco trying to get the actual truth - which was that the two of you didn’t even know each other and there were no problems whatsoever. Your manager also brought along the good news that Harry had actually listened to your album and loved it, “He said ‘Congratulations’ by the way, loved the sound. Said he’d heard you were very music focused and be open to do some mentoring on songwriting and vocal specifics, if you wanted. It’d have to be in private though, obviously.” She had added the last bit, but you understood why. To have the opportunity to discuss your music with one of your longtime role models, heroes even, was beyond anything you could have imagined coming from your album’s success. And it made the drama all the more palatable because now you at least got to talk to Harry like the media was so adamantly saying you were doing already.

You nodded quickly and agreed, while trying to keep your teenage fangirl excitement hidden below your mature now-famous musician facade. Like you said, Harry was your hero, he’d been your hero since you were in middle school and had Up All Night downloaded on your iPod touch, blasting it as loud as possible, sound hitting your poster-filled walls. You weren’t the same girl as you were then, obviously, you had grown up to be a strong, independent, and confident woman. But, you still smiled at the thought of your younger self with your baby face squealing in the nosebleeds at the Take Me Home Tour (where you swore Harry had looked straight at you) and her seeing you now, dressed in a sleek outfit setting up an appointment to meet with Harry to discuss your first album, a success.

-

The next Thursday evening

You took a deep breath, in through your nose and out through your pursed lips. You were anxious and excited at the exact same time. Your meeting with Harry was tonight, right now actually, and you hadn’t been able to think about much else since your manager had confirmed the meeting last week. She got you the details a couple of days ago, the location: his house in Malibu, the time: 5:45 P.M. You had brought along a copy of your album on vinyl because you thought it sounded best this way, second only to performing it live.

Choosing your outfit for tonight was probably the toughest decision you’d ever made, harder than choosing between an education and following your dreams, harder than choosing your favorite Beatles song. You didn’t want to worry so much, this wasn’t a date you kept reminding yourself, but everything you tried on earlier kept having something wrong with it, too dressy, too boring, too ‘not yourself’. You had settled for these blue high-waisted pants that you’d worn to your first ever podcast interview, a thin black long sleeve, and a brown leather coat that fell below your hips with vans sneakers, casual, simple, yet still true to you and your vibe.

You raised your free arm and formed a fist, hesitant to knock, as if you’d damage Harry’s seemingly perfect Malibu beachfront home by knocking too hard on the wooden front door. You waited a few moments and could here some shuffling behind the door, some incoherent words were seemingly said, but the walls muffled them before they could reach for ears. Soon enough, Harry Styles in the flesh was before you. He beamed down at you, huffing, slightly out of breath as if he had been clear across the house when you knocked. His strong figure towered above your far smaller stature. He was hanging onto the door since he had opened it only slightly. “Hello, Y/N?” he greeted and questioned simultaneously. “Hi,” you responded and extended the same hand that had just rapped against his now open door. He gripped it, ushering you into his home, “Come in, come in, it’s nice to meet you, don’t want you to catch a cold now do we?” He took note of your strong handshake and ring clad fingers.

He walked you into an area between the kitchen and a sitting area. The kitchen was open aside from a bar high top between the two rooms. You sat down at his prompting and made yourself comfortable. “I brought my record on vinyl, sounds best in my opinion, otherwise I’d recommend seeing it live,” you laughed as you handed the vinyl to him and took off your coat. “Technically, y’know, I could hear it live right now, if you were willin’ f’course,” Harry had responded over his shoulder as he placed the vinyl by his idle record player, “Anything to drink?” “Just water for me, please.” His accent was even stronger in person, especially since he had moved back to London and seldomly stayed in California, except for business and quick trips. As far as you knew, he had already been here on business for the week and was able to pencil you in.

You two settled in, with your waters, seated at the bar top beside each other, but swivelling the chairs to face one another more. Again, you were overwhelmed with the reality of the situation, sitting beside Harry Styles as professionals, peers even. He had heard your work and liked it enough to want to discuss it with you. It was a day you never thought would come to pass. He started off not by asking about the music right away, but about how you were doing with the whirlwind that stardom is. “How are you, Y/N? It’s been somewhat of a out of the frying pan into the fire kind of moment for you?” He stared at you intently, caring to hear your answer.

You couldn’t help but chuckle again and contain your smile, “Thank you for asking, Harry. Yeah, its been definitely stressful, but it’s everything I’ve ever wanted and more so the good is still outweighing any bad. Definitely, fucking exhausted though, dunno how many more interviews I can do before my jaw goes completely rigid from talking so much.” It’s Harry’s turn to laugh, his eyes shone with intrigue at what you said and how you said it. You were gorgeous, but it was how your hands helped you through what you were trying to say and the small laughs you tried to keep in while you amused yourself with your words that really made him want to hear you talk all night long.

He agreed about how the promo junket for an album can get tedious and tiresome, but also the absolute fulfillment you get from people loving the music you’ve made. The two of you chatted about surface level personal matters for a little more, but quickly moved to the music. “I took a listen a couple weeks after the album was released. I especially loved the last track. It reminded me so much of a song I never released, actually…” he trailed off.

Your final track had been a ballad, an homage to George Harrison with your use of guitar and sitar, but the lyrics were a story based off of a poem you had written one night in high school. It surrounded a girl never feeling quite good enough for the person she wanted to be with and how it happened everytime, everytime she was ready to giver herself to someone, they were always closed off. Of course it held some truth to your own life and feelings, but you wrote this girl as someone with a seemingly perfect life - when yours was obviously far from any semblance of perfection.

You wondered what Harry’s song would have sounded like, had it been about a seemingly perfect girl or a guy with a seemingly perfect life, always giving himself to the wrong person and getting destroyed by that very fact because he was impatient as the girl in your song had been. “Can I ask, how so? How’d it remind you of your own song, the words or the music?” “Oh, the story, I felt like that for a time in my life and I like to be vulnerable in my songs because it helps me process, but listening to it back has always been too painful. Could never release that or perform it, it’d wreck me.” You nodded, you completely got where he was coming from. You noticed his downcast eyes and his somber tone, you knew not to push it any further.

It was quiet and you decided it’d be okay to take his hand resting between the two of you. “Harry, I understand,” your sincerity spilled into the words, filling the quiet house, “It’s not easy. Feeling that way. Thinking you’re the only goddamn one and why the fuck does it always happen to you? I used to ask my ceiling ‘why me?’ every night of high school” you smiled then. “But you know how it is,” you rubbed your thumb over his large warm hand and he lifted his head, “it gets so much better - c’mon look at us now! It can get hard, too, all this, I’m sure. But our lives? They’re amazing!” He beamed as he had when he had first seen you at his door and when you’d first really spoke. He moved his hand from under your palm to weave your fingers with his, both of your hands with covered in rings and they clinked to fit together, finally resting perfectly fitted. He shook your two hands up and down, “God, you’re so right! That damn song, m’sorry always puts me in a mood,” he shakes his head, “not yours though, f’course, s’lovely, better than my sodding song” he finishes quickly.

After that, the mood lightened right back up. It filled you with such appreciation for Harry that he would trust you so much with such a personal detail since you two had just met. But maybe, he had trusted you because he had felt that same spark between you. It wasn’t necessarily a romantic spark, but it was obvious the two of you were kindred spirits. Besides your album, the two of you talked about everything. You loved the same bands, movies and books, you both loved to cook and had similar fashion taste, you even had the same person type - something you found out late into the night.

At the end of the Side B of your album, Harry switched to a Bill Evans record that had ‘Peace Piece’ on it. You loved that song. So did he. “So...planning to raid my closet?” Harry raised his brows from the record player and walked back to you. You almost sputtered the water in your mouth. Luckily, you got it down. “Pardon?” “All that bad press the two of us have been getting...I watched the interview that kind of ignited the tabloids. You’re obviously not used to those overstepping personal questions.” You nodded. “It’s fine, even if you’d completely shut it down, the tabloids probably would have picked it up still, they snap up anything and everything, true or not.” You softened at his reassurance. You hadn’t expected Harry to bring the interview up, but you were sure he wasn’t happy about it, he was so private, especially about his love life. “Thanks, I’m sorry I tried to laugh it off, kind of made it worse, didn’t I?” “No! Thought it was hilarious and I totally appreciated the sentiment. Little ol’me, an icon? And an amazing artist? All I gotta do is watch that clip and I’ve fed my narcissistic side for the week!” You giggled and replied slyly, “So does that mean I can raid your closet? As compensation, of course.” Harry threw his head back in an all consuming laughter, when he’d composed himself he looked in your eyes again and said, “You just...God, you get me.”

Harry had continued to put records on throughout the night, diligently flipping sides and asking for requests, he of course had an extensive collection. The two of you had moved onto his plush couch that looked out his french doors to the beautiful ocean view. Finally, your exhaustion caught up to you, mid-Harry describing his latest travel fiasco, you glanced up at the clock. You gasped. Harry stopped. “When did it get to be half 12?” you questioned almost incredulously, “I’ve gotta get home, Harry, but this has been truly amazing, more than I could have asked for, so thank you.” Your speech began to rush as you started to get up and gather your things, that had slowly scattered as you’d gotten more comfortable, jacket by the table, shoes around the back of the couch, your phone forgotten somewhere in the couch. You couldn’t believe you’d spent almost seven hours just talking with Harry Styles.

Harry quickly stood up from his relaxed positioned on the couch and asked if you were alright to drive this late. You scoffed, “Oh please, I’ve driven around at 3 am before, I just have to turn up the music and I can cruise.” He smiled, “This was great, Y/N, I know we didn’t really go super in depth into your writing process, but I’d love to write with you sometime or just hang out again f’course. Your seriously talented and obviously a wonderful person.” He didn’t include that he felt like he’d never met anyone like you, never met someone so perfectly matched to himself, in passions but also in work ethic and demeanor - compassionate yet confident. He felt like you got him perfectly and he got you. You had stopped your scramble to gather yourself and now you were both smiling at one another.

This had really been an unforgettable night, you couldn’t believe how well you two had meshed, like childhood friends reconnecting after years apart. “Can I give yeh a hug before you go?” Harry’s voice had grown raspier as the night had progressed. He had grown rather tired an hour ago, but had pushed through because they had been having so much fun and you hadn’t noticed his physical fading or the time, obviously. You stepped toward him and his large tattooed arms enveloped you into his body. His body truly dwarfed yours now as he held you to his chest. You both were warm and soft. He tucked his head on top of yours that rested on his chest. Your arms were loosely resting where his back met his waist because you would have had to strain to get them to encircle him. His arms rested around your small frame. “Love your jacket,” he mumbled into your hair. His rough voice was quiet, but the house was silent otherwise, Tusk Side C had finished around when you had noticed the time. The embrace lasted long, but it felt so amazing you had a hard time pulling yourself away, but you had to get back home.

“G’night Harry” you said softly at the threshold of his home. He had insisted on walking you to the front door at least, since you had declined his offer to walk you out to your car on the street. “G’night. Safe travels.”

You got in your car and headed to your apartment in the city. You didn’t bother digging for your phone so you turned on the radio and drove home singing whatever came on, including your own song at one point. The whole time you drove with a grin. Harry was the nicest person you’d ever met and you were confident that the two of you were friends now. As you pulled into your parking garage it dawned on you why you hadn’t connected your phone immediately when you got in your car. “Stupid, stupid, stupid,” you put the car in park and rested your palms in the depressions of your eyesockets, over your closed eyelids, and rubbed hard. “Fuck!” It was far too late to drive back out to Malibu for your phone and you obviously couldn’t text Harry that you’d left your phone at his place, despite the two of you exchanging numbers during the night for future hang outs, so they didn’t have to be arranged through your managers, like playdates. Even if he found your phone between the cushions, he couldn’t drop it at your place in the morning because he didn’t know your address. This was a whole mess, you thought. You’d have to drive over in the morning and hope he was still there or email your manager from your computer. The former meant you got to see Harry sooner and likely your phone, too.

part 2

-

@berrynarrybanana​

[let-me-write-shit]

I love your writing! Can you please write a piece where y/n has been a friend of him for years (all one d years too) and she is famous as well (kinda maggie rogers vibe) they write songs together etc. After the heartbreak from Camille she is always there for him and they realise that they have always been in love with each other, a bit of angst ofc 😂 Thank you very much!! 😍😍

A/N: Thanks so much for the request and the kind messages when I was sick, @irelilien. I loved writing this. I know it’s probably not EXACTLY what you were thinking, but I hope you like it!! <3 <3 <3 

Warning:  ANGSTY ANGST ANGST!!!

Word Count: 3,961

Requests are OPEN! If you have a request for a blurb, oneshot, imagine, whatever, Send me a message HERE!!!

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Started Off As Friends

“Will you relax, Harry?” you laugh, scooting to the edge of the office chair where you sat, reaching over and grabbing Harry’s hands away from his face to reveal his scrunched up eyebrows and dramatic frown, something he always did when he was frustrated. You took hold of his forearms as he pouted and tugged on your arms, making the wheels of your chair roll closer to him, your knees touching and his forehead falling towards your stomach.

Honestly, he could be such a baby sometimes. But as your hand instinctively plopped onto his head, running your fingers through his curls and massaging his scalp, you couldn’t help but smile. For years it had been like this; you and Harry were inseparable since the day you met. Back then he was still in One Direction and you just helped them write songs. You were one of the youngest songwriters on the team and they were impressed by it. Eventually, you began to release some of your own work, and when Harry went solo he often called on you to help with some of his songs, most of which always ended up on an album or being released.

You were there when his fame kicked off. He was there for you when you lost a family member. The two of you hardly even had so much of a fight, more like little bickers here and there. You were there through all of the One Direction drama including when you and Niall had a brief but scandalous (and absolutely not true) rumor spread that you were secretly dating and eloped, something Harry would cry laugh over whenever it was brought up. After all, if there would be any rumors of secret relationships between you and a member of One Direction, it would be with Harry. You were the closest out of all of them. You two had been through a lot in your friendship. More than most. And that included heartbreak.

You’d met practically every girlfriend he’d ever had. You knew details of his relationships that you really didn’t need to know about. And you’d been the subject of many jealous fights. But he’d always have your back. Until Camille.

Everything started great. You thought things had been going so well between them and Camille seemed to really like you. Oftentimes you’d get together just the two of you and have a girl’s night. But everything changed the night of one of your concerts. You were playing in London and the couple came to support. Throughout the night they had a lot to drink and each time you looked down things seemed to get increasingly more tense between the pair. Towards the end, it looked like a full-blown argument had ensued and they both stormed out of the arena. You assumed they were just going to talk it out and would meet you backstage afterward. You assumed Harry would fill you in on all the details later. But hours had passed and everyone had already backed up to leave. It wasn’t like Harry to just leave without saying anything. You called and texted but got no response. Not until the next day.

‘So sorry for leaving like that. We’ll talk later. -H’

But you never did. He practically ghosted you, only getting brief, cryptic texts or calls at random points in the day. The emotional circle-jerk you went through was next-level. Confusion, anger, sadness, indifference, and back to confusion. It was a never-ending cycle. You had later come to find that he only talked to you when Camille wasn’t around. And if she found out you were in communication, another argument would ensue and you’d hear about it whenever Harry called to complain. That’s all it was; a few calls and texts to whine about his relationship until the texts and calls stopped altogether. You hadn’t even seen his face for nearly seven months. For the longest time, you wanted to cry. You felt betrayed.

And finally, a month ago, after seven months of waiting, you had decided you were going to let him go and stop waiting around for him. But, when your phone rang at 11 PM that same night, your toughness crumbled to the ground. You had half a mind to yell and let it all out, or to just hang up, but you couldn’t. Not to him. Not when his heart was breaking. Instead, you invited him over. You must have drunk two whole bottles of wine by yourself, listening as Harry cried about his breakup and catching you up on all the issues they had. And you helped him through it.

For weeks he stayed with you so he didn’t have to be alone. You’d distract him with movies and games, stay up all hours of the night listening and reassuring him. You’d cry with him, laugh with him, and eventually, you’d help him channel his feelings into music. The two of you had written more songs than you can count about Camille and he finally had a sense of what he wanted his new album to sound like, picking a selection of songs on a demo and bringing it over to get your thoughts.

Listening to it brought on its own type of heartache for you. You remembered writing some of those lyrics with him. You remembered how broken you felt having to act like nothing was wrong and you were just happy to have him back. But the truth was, you were still hurt. You never did find out why he left so suddenly in the first place and coming back to you after all that time felt more like a slap in the face than anything. He knew you’d welcome him back with open arms He knew he could take advantage of your friendship because he knew how much he meant to you. Or, at least, he had an idea.

By the end of the demo, Harry looked so unsure that you were almost certain he’d start to freak out and second-guess himself. He rolled his head on your lap so that his cheek was against your thigh and groaned, “It feels like it’s missing something. Maybe I should have added ‘She’s Flames’.”

You shook your head as he sat up, “No. It’s perfect.”

“But what if-”

“No,” you cut him off, looking deeply into his eyes, “I wouldn’t change a thing. Not a single word, not a single piano key, not a single song, not even a single song order. Harry, it’s perfect.”

He relaxed his shoulders, letting his lips twitch upwards into a smile, and when he finally spoke, he took her hands in his again and said, “What would I do without you?”

You shrugged your shoulders, slipping your hands back and spinning in your chair to face your computer again, clicking away at the screen and layering instrumentals on your own music you were working on before he came over. Having a little makeshift studio in your flat helped when you couldn’t get in any time at a proper studio.

“Probably sulk at your own house instead of mine,” you mumbled, trying your best to sound like you’re joking.

“Hey, that’s not fair,” he whined, switching seats to a roller chair next to you.

You ignored him and continued to work while he talked beside you about possible release dates for his album, cover art, and which songs he wanted to have as his singles. You listened, adding your input where needed, as he carried on, grabbing your phone off the desk beside you and entering in your passcode. You didn’t mind, it was something the two of you always did. There was never any malice or reason behind it, it was just out of sheer boredom. You’d often scroll through each other’s social media dashboard or pictures. You had nothing to hide. Or, so you thought.

You became so hyperfocused on what you were doing that you almost didn’t hear it. It blended in with what you were working on so much that the sound of your voice singing from the speaker of the Harry held in his hands almost went unnoticed. But by the time you realized what he was listening to and snapped your attention to him, the damage was already done.

The knife of insight tore its way in me

A brash collision without sympathy

And maybe when the sun goes down I’ll come round, I’ll come out

Maybe we could take some time,

Unwind, figure out

When the knife of insight tore its way in me

Hit me up if you’re feeling down

Give a little, oh we’ll figure this out

Keep me up, keep my mind around

After dark, after light

Let it go if you want get loud

Make a little fuss, oh its all allowed

Beautiful how it all pours out

After dark, after light

Oh the knife of insight brought me to my knees

Broke me down and taught me how to see

And I know and I know and I know

That maybe we should take some time

Get this out, make this right

Maybe when the sun goes down I’ll come round, tell you all about

When the knife of insight brought me to my knees …..

You were at a loss for words, caught off-guard by him finding that voice note of a song you had recorded late one night three months ago. You could hear the wooshing of cars passing by in the background, remembering you recorded it on a drive to meet up with friends for dinner and didn’t want to forget the wave of creativity. Funny thing was, you completely forgot all about it.

You searched his face, hoping he didn’t understand what you were singing about But Harry wasn’t stupid. He’s worked with you long enough now to know your writing style. And with one look at the time stamp of the recording, he could tell this was written in the thick of when he had stopped seeing you.

“What’s this?” he asked softly, looking up at you.

He knew, he just wanted to hear you say it. You wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of an explanation, though. For weeks you had thought about what to say or how to confront him for what he did. But confrontation was never your strong suit and all the rehearsed speech had suddenly vanished from your memory.

Quickly, you grabbed your phone out of his hand and shut the music off, “Just something I was working on. Forgot it was still on there.”

He watched as your body tensed, hastily shoving your phone in your pocket. He could see right through your nonchalant attitude and he pressed again, “Is it about me?”

“Harry,” you breathed, forcing a laugh. But your refusal to look him in the eyes was your tell.

“It is, isn’t it?” His question sounded more like an answer, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Tell you what?”

“How you felt,” he turned your chair so that you were forced to face him and you looked nervously up at him through your eyelashes, his expression sincere, “Obviously you were hurt about whatever I did.”

Your mouth fell and he seemed to realize almost instantly that he had a poor choice of words. But, before either of you could say anything, Harry’s phone began to ring on the coffee table, catching both of your attention. And by a cruel coincidence, you saw that it was Camille calling him. His eyes widened and hastily silenced his phone, but the damage was done. You let out an incredulous laugh and stood up.

“It’s getting late. I think it’s time for you to leave,” you said firmly, avoiding his gaze.

You heard him stutter. He wasn’t used to you being stern with him. “What? Why? No, please, let’s talk about this.”

“Talk?” You laughed angrily, “You want to talk? Now? That’s rich coming from you! Alright, Harry, let’s talk, then,” your words were like ice and your heart pounded, finally getting the courage to look at him as you let it all out, “Ten years you’ve been one of my best friends. I’ve done so much for you. I’ve put up with a lot being your friend. All the backlash and drama and spite from your horrible girlfriends. But you always had my back Until her,” you motioned towards his phone.

His eyes fluttered, listening to you get angry. It was a side of you that rarely showed. And when your voice began to crack, he gulped.

You continued, “I was always nice to her. Always. Until one random day, she decided to hate me for no reason. And what did you do? Nothing! You ran after her like a lost puppy and avoided me for almost a year!”

“I didn’t avoid you!” Harry shot back, defensively.

“You didn’t avoid me?” you laughed in a hiss. “Harry, you dodged all of my calls and texts! I never saw you! And when we did talk, the Queen herself couldn’t know about it or you’d have another fight!”

“Don’t call her that. That’s not fair,” he pleaded.

“You want to talk about fair? The way you treated me wasn’t fair! All I was to you in those seven months was someone to complain to, but only if I was kept a secret!”

“That’s not true. Besides, it’s not like you ever complained at the time! You should have said something!”

“I shouldn’t have had to! You’ve always had my back and ended things with other girlfriends for a lot less!”

“I can’t keep ending relationships just because you don’t like them!”

“I never asked you to!” your voices were getting louder now, almost certain that if someone was passing by your open window, they’d be able to hear every word. “Never once did I ask you to break up with anyone or even hint at disliking them. You always did that on your own!”

“Because you’re my friend!” he shot back, his eyebrows furrowing and the crinkles by his eyes more prominent. Your back and forth was quicker now. Both of you speaking even faster.

“Then why did it change with her? Friends don’t treat friends as a last resort!”

“How did I treat you like a last resort? Because of a few missed calls and canceled plans? I was busy!”

“For seven months? No, you weren’t, Harry! You were a coward!”

“And you were jealous!”

“So what?” you snapped back. You could see the shock in Harry’s eyes, but you kept going, “So what if I was? It never made me treat you like dog shit on the bottom of my shoe! You ignore me for weeks at a time and when I finally get a response it’s because you’re crying about another fight you had with her and how neither of you trusts each other. Did I complain once? No. I listened. I never turned my back on you because that’s what a good friend does.”

“That’s what a good friend does? So now I’m not a food friend?” Harry scoffed, “I can’t read fucking minds, Y/N! How am I supposed to know you’re upset if you don’t tell me?”

“How am I supposed to tell you if you never answer my calls?!”

“I came back!” Harry yelled, “I’ve seen you almost every day for a month! You’ve had plenty of time!”

“Did I?” you sneered, “Harry, you were heartbroken about your breakup! What would you suppose I do? Tack on some more reasons for you to feel sorry for yourself? Cry about how you were mean and broke my heart? You didn’t need me getting after you! I recorded an idea for a song on my phone, and now you’re mad because I expressed my feelings in a song that you were never meant to hear?”

“You don’t get to decide what I can and can’t handle, Y/N!”

“You think you could have handled the added guilt?” you should back, bordering the edge of condescension, “I helped you write two albums worth of breakup songs about her, Harry! I sat here for hours a day every single day for weeks helping you write lyric after lyric explaining your love for a woman that hated me!” you were on the verge of tears now. “And here I am, the idiot helping you through it, only to find out you’re still talking to her!”

“I’m not talking to her! I called to ask if I could put something in a song!” Harry shot back, “And she didn’t hate you!”

“How can you not see it?” you breathed, wiping a tear from your cheek, “I have to watch a man I care so much about going through shitty relationship after shitty relationship. And I’m here, like always, waiting for you to wake up and see that you deserve better! You can’t even admit what you did because you’re too busy defending a girl that broke your heart!”

“I’m not defending her, Y/N! I’m sorry that I hurt you, but it’s not her fault! She didn’t hate you, she was just jealous and untrusting and she had every reason to feel that way!”

Heat rose to your face and your voice got more fierce, “I always treated her with respect! And I never gave her a reason to feel that way!”

“You didn’t, but I did!”

“What does that even mean?! Why would she hate me for something I didn’t even do? That doesn’t even make any sense, Harry! You avoided me for months and you’d argue if she found out you were talking to me, and you’re saying that it had nothing to do with me?”

“No. I mean, yes. Kind of,” he started to get flustered and began talking faster, “It was my decision, not hers. And I’m not defending her. I wanted to talk to you, Y/N, but I couldn’t!”

You were getting angrier. It felt like you were going around in circles with Harry and you were frustrated that he wouldn’t give a direct answer. “Why? You keep beating around the bush instead of just giving me a reason! What possible reason could you have for dropping a friend of ten years out of nowhere? I didn’t do anything! So, why?”

“Because I accidentally told her that I’m in love with you!” he blurted out.

His voice was loud and perturbed. But as soon as the words left his mouth he knew he might have just made a huge mistake. Harry never meant to tell you. He was perfectly happy with keeping this a secret for as long as it took to get over you.

You froze, sitting backward and raising your eyebrows, mouth ajar, “You what?”

“I didn’t mean to,” he spoke quickly, trying to justify himself, “We were drunk at your concert and, I don’t know, it just kind of came out and we started arguing. I didn’t even realize what I had said until the next morning when she was still angry.”

The memories of the night of your concert came flooding back. Images of their slowly fading happy faces turned to anger and fighting started to make sense. But what he was saying didn’t. He was in love with you? Surely he didn’t mean that. He showed no inclination of romantic feelings towards you. There had to be a misunderstanding. What he meant to say was ‘he loved you like a sister’.

When you didn’t speak, he continued to try and explain himself, hurriedly speaking again; something you hardly ever saw from him. Usually he was calm and cool, even when faced with uncomfortable situations.

“I tried to tell her I didn’t mean it and I had no clue why I said that, but she didn’t believe me. She kept saying ,‘I see the way you look at her’ and ‘Everyone knows it. I’m not stupid!’. So I just kept telling her she was crazy and started talking to you less and less to prove her wrong. But she never trusted me after that. And whenever she found out I was talking to you, it gave her more reason.”

“I-” you tried to speak, but he just kept talking, more unsettled now, “I kept trying to tell myself it was nothing. But when we broke up, the first person I thought of was you. I knew you were probably angry with me, but you helped me anyway. You were there for me like you always are. And I knew that Camille was right. It was always you. And honestly, I hated you for it.”

You recoiled, surprised as he started to get more agitated. He continued, “You were there since the start of it and you made me set this impossibly high standard for my relationships! That’s why they all failed miserably! That’s why they all hated you! Because they knew they couldn’t live up to you!”

“You’re blaming me for this?” you argued back, “I didn’t make you compare anyone to me! I didn’t even know because you were too chicken shit to say anything to me!”

“I couldn’t say anything to you! You were my best friend! I didn’t want to lose you! Those few months we didn’t talk were hell! I thought about you every day! Besides, what difference would it have made if I did tell you? You can’t honestly tell me you felt the same!”

“Stop assuming you know how I feel!”

“Well, am I wrong?!” he shot back, seething.

“Yes! You’re wrong!”

There was silence, the two of you just staring at each other, faces filled with frustration. His eyes flickered across your face, looking for some kind of sign as both of your chests rose and fell. His tongue grazed his lips, wetting them from all the yelling. And like the flash of light, both of you lunged forward at each other.

The mess of hands wildly roaming each other’s bodies and tangling in each other’s hair was dizzying. Hungrily, your tongues circled as if you were starved and the only salvation left was his breath entwined with yours. You both stood, only to be pushed backward on your desk, your keyboard slipping out from under you and crashing to the floor. You could feel your back press against your monitor as you eagerly fidgeted with the buttons on Harry’s shirt and before you could undo the last one, he had already managed to undo yours, pulling it down your arms and tossing it somewhere to the side.

Harry became impatient, finally pulling away from your lips and tanking open his shirt, making the last button pop off and roll underneath the desk. You for your first good look at each other; panting, out of breath. Half-naked, you could see every tattoo on his chest that you had always longed to kiss under the dim light of your flat and the veins in his arms bulged as he gripped onto the desk underneath your thighs. His eyes looked fierce and almost rabid as he looked you up and down. There was a moment of pause and thought. Slowly the two of you cracked a smile. And the smile turned into light laughter.

“I can’t tell you how long I’ve wanted to do this,” Harry whispered, pressing his forehead against yours and weaving his fingers through your hair just behind your ears as the warmth of his palms lay flat against your cheek.

You smiled, closing your eyes and placing your hands over top of his, breathing in his scent as you softly spoke, “Probably just as long as I’ve waited for you to do it.” And you gently pressed your lips to his once more.

------------------------------------

Taglist:

@odetostep @mylittleangel9403 @thurhomish @fallingfordolans

[lovelyhxsie]

My Heart Is Collapsing

Pairing: Josie Saltzman x Fem! Reader, Josie Saltzman x Hope Mikaelson

Summary: Reader knowing her relationship is fading and how Josie is falling in love with Hope Mikaelson. As a way to accept it and gain closure, she breaks up with Josie through a song.

Warning: Sadness, Angst

A/n: Everyone is 21+ and in their junior year/senior year of college. The Salvatore Boarding School will have that extension of going up to college. Okay? Okay. This is all fiction and for your enjoyment! 

If you want part two, comment and I’ll be up for it. Oh and the song is Put A Little Love On Me by Niall Horan.

 You weren’t sure how it came down to this but you knew it was about time to acknowledge what was happening. Mentally you understood the concept, however, your heart (and reality) figured your relationship was hitting that bump in the road because classes tore you both away and less moments were being shared. You got to the point where you only saw her an hour in the morning and an hour at night, but you both weren’t ever alone. Lizzie would join when she felt like teasing you, Mg was there because of Lizzie, Landon stuck around at times if he was bored, Raf liked the company, Kaleb made food and had you two test it out, and Hope...well, she always goes where Josie goes and vice versa. There was never separating them. 

 Of course, they all only were there for about ten minutes before departing, but the one person who stayed would be the auburn-haired girl. It would be out of Josie’s plead (and you were never one to deny the brunette). While it wasn’t ideal for you, you never questioned it and you actually were quite close with the tribrid. The only issue you had with her was the love she carried for Josie but not finding a reason to hate her. 

 You respected her and she respected you. Especially your relationship. Because Hope Mikaelson was simply that kind of friend. A friend who wouldn’t jeopardize someone’s relationship, thought about everyone else’s feelings before hers, chose risking her life to keep everyone safe, acknowledging when she’s in the wrong, and holding in her feelings for your girlfriend. Nothing was done in a way you’d considered sabotage. No. The only thing that happened was the beginning of the end in the way that was only natural.

 You just wished you noticed it sooner. At least before you purchased a ring (you’ve been with her since senior year of high school and now you’re junior in college).

 She began to fade away from your touch and gravitated towards Hope’s. Physical contact became limited, not carrying the amount of emotion it once did. It seemed her contact came from sympathy with a hint of feelings still there but from you it was out of sheer desperation and desire for her to go back to you. The words you spoke to her were pleads and questions wondering if she still was yours (even when you knew she was fading), and while she reassured you with staying by your side, you understood the confusion that laid in her eyes. She wasn’t sure what was happening but until she realized reality, she stayed loyal to you. And you (internally) thanked her.

 Everything that was vanishing from you, transferred over to the girl who had no idea how much she affected your relationship. This wasn’t her intention and it would never be. But then again, you really shouldn’t be as shocked as you were. Josie had admitted to crushing on Hope when she was 12 years old. Hope confessed to you about reciprocating those feelings when she was 14. It seemed like when those two truths came out, they fused together and became one. 

 It took Josie being consumed by darkness when you made the decision to let her go. While she wasn’t fighting against you, she was fighting but not for you. And you, well, you continued to fight for your one-sided relationship. Until the first person she locked eyes with and ran to wasn’t you. 

__

 Preparing a date for a breakup was a pretty ironic thing to do. Figuring out the place to have it took a while before you decided the old mill. The old mill had been a sacred place for you both. The most valuable moments have been created there, and that includes the heartaches. What’s one more?

 With the way things were set up, the last thing someone would expect it to be was a breakup but you knew Josie inside out and the only way to get through her is a gesture that captures her attention. Even if it will hurt her more than it has already hurt you.

 You laid down a few blankets on the wooden floor, wrapping a couple lines of fairy lights around and placing flowers at the edge of the corners. Pillows were propped up against a few others as you checked around making sure the final details were prepared for the night you had planned. 

 Was this how you wanted things to end?

 Before you could doubt yourself, the sound of light footed steps entered and you looked up to see the one you loved. She delicately stood in place while fiddling with the tulips you had purchased and had sent to her room. It warmed your heart that she still admired what you did for her. If only it could continue on. 

 Without saying a word, you gently take her hand in yours and guided her to sit. She displayed a smile of gratitude before opening her mouth to speak, “What’s this for, Y/n?” She asked. 

 As a response, you stand and head towards the back before coming back with an album of photos. Engraved was your name and hers. When you open it, the first thing to appear had been the note you wrote to her the first time she befriended you. While it meant nothing to everyone around, it meant the world to you both. It signified an emotion that had ignited inside of you when you made the vow to captivate her heart and fill it with love. 

 You successfully did. 

 However, you didn’t manage to have enough to make her stay in love or maybe you did but her heart was rather captured by someone else. And neither of you noticed until now.

 “I remember when we talked about how we’d look back at the moments we’d create. Four years ago I wasn’t sure we’d make it this long. But it’s been four years and you’re sitting here with me, holding a piece of myself. And in those four years we’ve experience more than I ever thought I’d experience...”

 You kept your attention on her as she made her way through the pages of photos and letters you collected throughout your journey. Her smile never left her face but you knew it would when she reached the last page.

 But she never did. 

 “I don’t think I can finish reminiscing those memories without wanting to cry. At least not in front of you. This is all very beautiful, y/n. What made you want to do this? I mean I feel like I’m missing an important date. Please don’t tell me that I forgot something serious. If I’ve become one of those girl-”

 You let out a chuckle of reassurance and placed a hand on top of hers. 

 “No, Josie. You didn’t forget anything. You never do,” Except the relationship you two had. “this is actually something I’ve been planning. It was the only way I could do this without freaking out or messing anything up. I just want you to understand that whatever happens, I will forever give you my unconditional love. No matter where we are in life. Okay?”

 “Wait, what are you-”

 “-I love you, Josette Olivia Saltzman...” 

 You made your way over to the piano that had been set up across the room, sitting down before taking a glance at the brunette. Maybe this was how things were meant to be. 

 Fingers dragged over the keys as a warm up in order to set the tune. You wanted this to end in a love of peace and forgiveness. 

 “Hope Mikaelson, treat her the way I know you will...” Your voice cracks and the only thing you see out of the corner of your eye is her painfully realizing what this whole thing was about. 

 The melody kicks in and in a few seconds you let your voice do the damage:

We fight we get high holding on to love We came down 'cause there was nothing holding us Is it wrong that I still wonder where you are Is it wrong that I still don't know my heart

Are you all dressed up but with nowhere to go? Are your tears falling down when the lights are low? Another Friday night tryna put on a show Do you hate the weekend 'cause nobody's callin'? I've still got so much love hidden beneath this skin So, darlin'

Put a little love on me Put a little love on me When the lights come up and there's no shadows dancin' I look around as my heart is collapsin' 'Cause you're the only one I need To put a little love on me

We wrote and we wrote 'Til there were no more words We laughed and we cried Until we saw our worst Is it wrong that I still wonder where you are? Is it wrong that I still don't know my heart?

Last night I lay awake Stuck on the things we say And when I close my eyes The first thing I hear you say is

Put a little love on me, ayy Put a little love on me When the lights come up we're the only ones dancing I look around and you're standing there asking You say, "You're the only one I need So put your love on me

 As the last of the chords fade away, you are soon met with silence and the sound of her heart breaking. A gut wrenching ache strikes through you. It wasn’t any easier for you to witness her in this state. Purely because you’re the one causing the hurting. 

 “I love you. You say you love me back, but we both know that you love her more. I am not upset with you, her, or the fact that we couldn’t fight for us. Because it is no one’s fault and it never will be...”

 You knew she wanted to argue with you. Though, it wasn’t enough to deny the truth. 

 “She held you more than I ever did. Helped you find the person you needed to be. Understood you better than I. Fought your fight not for herself or for anyone else but for you. Shared a connection of speaking without speaking. Treated you as an equal. Loved you from the moment you met. Still does and always will. You and I? We began a trial that had a limit. The best features came with that trial. We soaked and used every bit of that up. Now it’s time for the full version. Just not with me,” Moving the sit back, you stand but don’t bother to spare the girl a glance. 

 “When I leave, she’ll be waiting for you. And she will keep a hold of your fragile but loving heart. I’m thankful that she’s the one for you because I knew I could never be. Goodnight, Joy.”

 Through her tearful eyes, she helplessly watched as you exited the building that was her heart. 

 With one last look over your shoulder, you see the one and only Hope Mikaelson head inside holding Josie’s favorite drink, snack, and movies. 

 She knew and you didn’t even tell her. 

 “You better marry her, dear sister.” 

 At least your father would be proud that two Mikaelsons aren’t trying to kill one another. Klaus always did tell you and your sister to be careful if you both fell in love with the same girl, because it’s not the sort of thing that ends well. 

/

 “You were going to propose?!”

[ollyarchive]

Interview

Olly Alexander on success, sanity and It's a Sin: 'All those hot guys. I loved it!'

Simon Hattenstone

The Years & Years frontman is starring in Russell T Davies’ new drama about the Aids crisis. He talks about bulimia, his ‘dark’ clubbing days – and how he learned to enjoy filming sex scenes

Mon 11 Jan 2021 06.00 GMT

Olly Alexander was so certain he was destined for success that he saw a therapist to help him prepare for his future fame. It was 2014 and his band Years & Years had just signed to Polydor when he visited the shrink.

“I said: ‘The album’s coming out and I really want it to be successful,’ and he said: ‘What happens if it isn’t?’ I said: ‘Well, that’s not an option because I have planned it in my diary since I was a teenager.’”

That diary was less about chronicling the present than a series of promises he made to himself. “I planned my life till I was 25. I would be a famous musician ’cos musicians were the coolest people in the world. The biggest thing in the list was buying my mum a house, and I did that. That was the coolest thing to be able to do with my money.” He smiles. “That was the coolest thing ever.”

Now Alexander might well benefit from another visit to the shrink because he’s about to become a lot more famous. He stars in It’s a Sin, the brilliant new TV drama by Russell T Davies, about a group of young gay men living and dying through the Aids epidemic in the 1980s. The five-part series is funny, vibrant, sexy and heartbreaking.

This is by no means the first time Alexander has acted – he has appeared in the TV series Skins, films such as Bright Star (about Keats), Gulliver’s Travels and Great Expectations, and on stage in the West End alongside Judi Dench and Ben Whishaw in Peter and Alice; a pretty impressive CV. But with It’s a Sin, he knows he has struck gold. “Some actors would wait their entire careers and not get such a good role,” Alexander says, and he’s right. Davies has made a habit of creating groundbreaking TV series (Queer As Folk, Bob and Rose, Torchwood), and this is his best yet.

Alexander’s character, Ritchie Tozer, is an aspiring actor/singer who has just moved to London from the Isle of Wight in search of fame, fortune and a good shagging. He embraces his new freedoms with promiscuous abandon, while also struggling with his sexuality. Ritchie is equally cocky and vulnerable, lovable and insufferable.

Although It’s a Sin takes place in a time before Alexander was born, he says there are so many ways he relates to Ritchie’s life. There is one crucial difference – whereas Ritchie is secretive, Alexander is an open book. If there’s anything to tell you, he’ll tell you, even if he is embarrassed a second later about his indiscretions. It’s an endearing quality, and one that makes him great company.

We meet in his agent’s east London office in December, when Tier 4 restrictions are yet to kick in. Alexander is a boyish 30 – half punk, half catwalk model, with orange hair, earrings, multiple rings, stylish khaki trousers and a handful of inky tattoos. He is garrulous and giggly with a huge toothy grin.

Like Ritchie, Alexander was a stranger to city life when he came to London. He was born in North Yorkshire, went to primary school in Blackpool and Gloucestershire, and a comprehensive in Monmouth, south Wales. He was a natural performer who wrote his first song at the age of 10. “I performed it in my year six assembly.” Can he remember it? He squirms. “Yeah!” Let’s hear it then? “No!” Oh go on! “OK, OK. ‘The leaves are falling outside my window. I’m lay here all alone,” he sings quietly, in that delicate falsetto. He giggles, blushes and continues. “And now I’m a knowin’, the way it’s goin’, we won’t last for ever, for ever my love.’”

Wow, those lyrics are pretty sophisticated – and melancholy. He giggles again. “Oh thanks. It’s about unrequited love. Doomed love. I was getting in early on my themes. I had a bit of help from my dad.” He wrote it after experiencing his first pangs – for a boy in his class.

At secondary school Alexander was a victim of homophobic bullying. He responded with elan. “I would still come to non-uniform day in eyeliner.” Did he fight back? “Sometimes I would scream. I was not a good fighter. We did rugby a lot at my school – a Welsh school. The one time I scored a try, on the way back to the changing room the two popular boys from the year put their arms around me and said: ‘Well done, Olly,” and I was like: ‘I can’t believe it, this is it!’” He pauses long enough for me to get a glowing feeling. “Then they tripped me up and pushed my face into the mud. That was hard to live down.” After that he never went to another games lesson.

When he was 13, his parents separated, and from then he was brought up by his mother, events organiser Vicki Thornton (his real surname – Alexander is his middle name). His father had been a talented but disappointed singer-songwriter who made a living marketing theme parks. Although he gave young Olly a lifelong passion for adventure rides, there were tensions between the two of them. After his parents split up, he broke off contact with his father. When Alexander became successful, his father tried to rekindle their relationship via Twitter. Alexander wasn’t impressed.

With the sod-you eyeliner and supreme belief that he would make it, he sounds incredibly robust. So what else was in that teenage diary? “Pppprrrr.” He blows his lips as if feeling a sudden chill. “It’s a bit dark. I used to write that I really wanted to be skinny.” He exhales deeply. “My mantra was always: I’m not going to eat this again, I’m not going to eat cake again. I’m never going to eat pasta.” He was barely into his teens when he became bulimic and started to list the things he wouldn’t eat. Actually, he says it was worse than that. “I was writing down: don’t eat, don’t eat, don’t eat. Did he have a weight problem? “I was a little chubby at primary school, but no.” What does he think it came from? “It was something I could control. I felt very out of control in the rest of my life. I was struggling with my sexuality, my parents were divorcing, and I wanted to punish myself.”

I want to give him a hug, but I’m not sure he would appreciate it, particularly in the pandemic. Why did he want to punish himself? “It was self-loathing. I didn’t want to be gay. I was convinced I was the reason my parents were splitting up.” He never considered that their divorce may have had nothing to do with him.

He started to cut himself, too. Has he still got the scars? He points to his upper arms and thighs, “because people can’t see there. I was deeply ashamed of doing it. I wanted to hide it.” Are there many scars? “No. A friend saw a plaster on my arm and jokingly asked if I’d been cutting myself. After that, I was so embarrassed that I mostly stopped doing it. Bulimia carried on well into my 2os, but it became less and less frequent. It’s really hard to hold down any kind of job if you’re throwing up food all the time, and ultimately you have to choose.” It becomes a full-time occupation? “Yes, it’s all you think about. And you’re doing so much damage to your organs. I got taken into hospital once with my mum because I had this irregular heartbeat, which can happen through constant purging, and that really scared me. I thought I’d done something irreparable to my body, and my mum was so distraught. She couldn’t understand why her son was throwing up all the food she was trying to give him. She found out because I hadn’t cleaned the toilet properly.”

After studying performing arts at Hereford College of Arts, he moved to London and was liberated. He had a heady time of it – more drugs, clubbing and sex than even he had hoped for, while also getting regular work as an actor. But there was a downside. He saw friends struggle, sacrifice themselves to excess, fall by the wayside. “Everything was about going out and connecting with people at the clubs. I had a great time, but it was also a dark time. A lot of people took too many drugs. A few friends attempted to take their lives and one succeeded. That was devastating. You can see how easy it is for a party lifestyle to turn into something negative.”

Alexander has a strong survival instinct. There was his destiny to fulfil, the house to buy for his mother. He still struggled with his mental health, so he cut down on the destructive stuff. Today, he says, his main drug of choice is the antidepressant sertraline. “I was worried about longterm use, and the doctor said: ‘Well, the latest research shows it can promote neurogenesis, and I was like that’s the coolest thing ever.” Neurogenesis is the process by which new neurons are formed in the brain. “She was basically saying antidepressants are giving you superpowers, and I was like: ‘Amazing, I’ll keep taking them for ever.’” He starts giggling, and he can’t stop. “Neurogenesis – ooh, I love that. I’m going to be neuro-supercharged.”

Years & Years formed in 2010. Founder member and synth/bass/keyboard player Mikey Goldsworthy heard Alexander singing in the shower and asked if he wanted to become lead singer. When Alexander joined, Years & Years were a five-piece band, before shrinking to an electropop trio (Alexander, Goldsworthy and fellow guitarist and keyboard guru Emre Türkmen). Alexander, the main songwriter, has an ear for great sweeping choruses (think Sam Smith meets Pet Shop Boys with a dash of New Order). Their first album, Communion, went to No 1 in the UK, while the song King topped the singles chart and its follow-up, Shine, reached No 2. Many of their songs are about yearning and doomed love – particularly on their second album, Palo Santo – just like the first one he wrote aged 10.

Alexander also became known as an LGBTQ campaigner. He made a documentary, Growing Up Gay, for the BBC in which he talked to his mother in a tear-filled exchange about coming out; he also interviewed people about struggles with their sexuality, the pressure to be promiscuous and take drugs, and addressed schoolchildren about homophobia and mental health problems. Does he think of himself as an activist? He shakes his head. “It does a disservice to actual activists. There’s a tendency to use that word for anyone in the public eye speaking up about any issue. Going into schools and talking about mental health isn’t activism. I like doing that. If I can be helpful, I want to help.”

The week before we meet he was named celebrity of the year at the British LGBT awards. He doesn’t know why – he says he didn’t do anything in 2020. “Maybe they heard about my upcoming role and got in there early!”

He says he has learned so much from making It’s a Sin – not least about acting, and how tough it can be. “Doing an acting job where you have to turn up every day is really challenging. I was so used to my musician lifestyle, which is usually: get up late, get in a car, get driven to an airport, get on a plane, fall asleep, arrive somewhere, get driven to the venue, roll out of the car and do the show. It was too much like hard work every day. I thought I’d got past this!”

We see a lot of Alexander in It’s a Sin – in every sense. He gets more than his share of sex scenes, and says it was fascinating being taught how to do them properly. So he enjoyed them? “All those hot guys. That aspect I loved! And going into it I thought, I’m going to have so much fun doing this, I’m a confident-ish guy, love having sex, it will be great.” That’s so refreshing, I say, to hear actors admit they enjoy sex scenes.

Ah, well, he says, it wasn’t quite that simple – he initially became self-conscious. “I broke down into hysterical tears, like ‘don’t fucking touch me’. I found it really hard.” Then the intimacy coordinators got to work on him. “They were a life-changing experience. Intimacy coordinators are there for safety ’cos there’s a lot of shit that can go wrong between what a director wants and what an actor wants, and boundaries being crossed. They’re there to rehearse everything beforehand with the director and the performers. You talk about animals you might imitate, the sounds you make.” He pays tribute to intimacy coordinator extraordinaire Ita O’Brien, who introduced the Intimacy on Set guidelines in 2017 and worked on Normal People as well as It’s a Sin. “Anything with sex in it, she’ll be involved. She’ll be on all fours at one point, saying: ‘Now I’m going to be like a cow and moo in ecstasy.’ She’s amazing, amazing, amazing.” And yes, he did start to enjoy the scenes.

Did he find them arousing? Now it’s my turn to blush and I apologise for the question. Did he start to enjoy it too much? “No, that’s what I want to know. What if someone gets a hard-on – how embarrassing would that be? Ita said: ‘It’s natural and normal for certain body parts to get excited and if you get an erection that’s absolutely fine, but it’s not appropriate for the workplace.’” He adds a caveat: “Depending on what kind of job you’re doing. And she said: ‘If that happens, you just take a time out. So you’re all there thinking, OK, how embarrassing – because you say time out and everybody knows it’s because you’ve got a hard-on. Hahahhaa!” Did he have to take a time out? “No!” Did anyone? “Not to my knowledge.”

Who did he have most fun with? “I’d say best kiss was the guy who plays Ash [newcomer Nathaniel Curtis]. Great kisser.” And the best shag? “Sexual simulation,” he corrects me. “Best sexual simulation was Roscoe [Omari Douglas, another relative newcomer].” Has he told them? “It’s all coming out in this article, Simon.” And I can sense him calibrating what he has just said. “It’s going to ruin my standing!” But a second later he changes his mind. “No, that’s a compliment right? I compliment them both. Hahahaha!” And he laughs giddily.

I ask about the future. You sense he’s not sure where to go from here, acting-wise – that it can’t get any better than It’s a Sin. Fortunately, he owes the band an album’s worth of songs. He had them done and dusted before the pandemic. “But all that time in my flat going insane made me realise I didn’t like any of the music, it didn’t feel relevant. I just wanted to start again, which is what I did. Now it’s almost ready – again.”

It will be only their third album in seven years. “I know,” he says. “It’s embarrassing. Ariana Grande has had about five out in the time we’ve done one.” In the meantime, he says, Türkmen has had one baby, with another on the way.

What about his own love life? “It’s pretty dire.” Sex? “I’m hopeful to have more sex … it’s very difficult in the age of Covid if you’re single. I actually tried to lock someone down who would be my ‘friends with benefits’ sex buddy, because I saw that Holland were advising people to do that. In the first lockdown I said: ‘Look, we can just have sex with each other. I trust you, you trust me, we’re not together, but this is an arrangement. I’ve not had sex in six months, what do you think?’ But he said no. I was quite upset. So yeah, not a lot of sex in 2020.” For a split-second, the puckish Alexander looks forlorn. Then he grins his toothiest grin yet. “But I’m hopeful that it will pick up in the new year!”

It’s a Sin is on Channel 4 on 22 January at 9pm

[kirieshhhka003]

heyoo! hope you are having a great day💕 i’d like to request hcs of the bucci gang (trish too if you don’t mind?) reacting to a new member desperate because they broke something, like they’re scared of them getting mad or something worse. Im sorry if this is kinda specifc, i haven’t had the best day but your writing always makes me better, ty💕💕

Sorry but I didn’t include Trish, I just hadn’t any ideas about what to write for her, sorry😢. Thank you for your support and request, my dear anon💚

Bucci gang x desperate S/o because they broke something

Bruno Buccellati

They fucked up, they fucked up very much. They crushed a car they were driving trying to escape from enemies following them. It wasn’t a big deal, Bruno with the newbie stole it from the parking, it was the first car they saw. The problem was that enemies were chasing them and Bruno was trying to distract them so S/o had a chance to get to the car and pick Buccellati up afterwards

But now, instead of saving a capo, they were trying to get out of the crushed car, strange smoke started to come out under the hood. S/o needed to find a new car, but how? Bruno was the one who started the engine in a crushed auto, they don’t know how to get a new car(so they simply stoped the first car passing by them and kicked a driver out of it🤷‍♀️)

When they finally arrived Bruno’s right side was injured, his jacket stained with blood. “What took you so long? Did you forgot where we left our car? And the fuck is that, is it another one? Where did you get the first one?” After explaining to him that they crushed their first auto and it took some time to find another one S/o were ready to hear indignations and swearings but instead Bruno chuckled and patted them on the shoulder. “Chill out, that’s okay. I’m not a good driver, so I can understand you. Everything is fine now so don’t think much about it”

Leone Abbacchio

It’s more likely S/o and Leone were on a mission together and during a fight with enemy they ripped his cloak. When Abbacchio noticed the damage on his clothing, knowing his short temper, he quickly got pissed by it

“Don’t you see what you’ve done? Gosh, pull your head out of ass a look at that. It’s ripped! This cloak was bespoken specially for me and now the only thing I can do with it is throw it away!”

But when he looked at their face and saw tears in their eyes he shut himself up. Was it too much for them?

“Oh gosh” he moaned wearily “Okay, there’s nothing we can do with that, I’ll just buy another one, so stop making that disgusting expression on your face and get in a car, we have a lot of work to do”

Guido Mista

The two of them were on a mission together and it was pretty cold so Mista gave them his jacket, so they won’t catch a cold

The next day S/o were ready to give jacket back to Guido but something caught their attention. The fabric on the elbow was ripped and stained with dirt and blood, they fell last night and didn’t even notice the damages on Mista’s garment

They felt guilty for spoiling Guido’s jacket that he kindly lended them. When they came to him and with wet eyes told him that they ripped his jacket Mista was taken aback. They are crying because of that? Really?

“Oh, c’mon, stop it right now. It’s not a big loss, I didn’t like that jacket anyways, so stop crying”

Narancia Ghirga

Firstly he didn’t understand what was wrong with them, they acted strange, but S/o on themselves are pretty eccentric person and Nara is very unobservant

When they started to ask him for forgiveness he was confused. What do they mean? Are there any enemies and they’re trying to notify him in that way that enemies won’t understand it?

When they told him that they accidentally broke his cd-player he was like “Wtf are you dumb? Why are you so nervous? Yeah, it’s a loss, but not a big one. So chill out and don’t bother about it. I thought that there are enemies nearby, you scared me!”

Pannacotta Fugo

The whole team was spending time at their favorite restaurant. Everyone was enjoying their food and company, Bruno and Leone were chatting about upcoming missions, Fugo was reading a new book, Giorno Mista and Narancia were talking about Snoop Dogg’s recent album

Nara was so emotional trying to express how excited he was about new music, he jabbed S/o’s side with his elbow trying to get their attention but he scared them instead. The tea that was in a cup they were holding spilled and some of it got right on Fugo’s book

The both Nara and S/o loose their shit when they saw a book pages soaked with sweet tea, knowing Fugo’s anger management issues. S/o started to apologize, they spoiled his book and of course Fugo had every right to be angry

But instead of shouting at them he just sighed irritably and said “Gosh, you guys are so fucking loud and annoying. Narancia, shut the hell up, nobody wants to hear your squeaky voice yelling about Snoop. And you, you spilled tea on my freaking book, and now it’s all wet and looks more like a rag. It’s a horrible day, I hate all of you so much”

(In less than 10 min he calmed down and started to argue with Nara about what song from the new album is better)

Giorno Giovanna

After a hard mission Giorno and S/o were having an ice cream. It was about 3 pm, they were tired and injured, their clothes were saturated with sweat and blood, it was weary hot and every breath was painful(mostly because of broken ribs)

So why weren’t they going home? Because this blonde brat wanted an ice cream. Giorno was driving a car and he really was going to ride S/o home but a sudden thought hit his pretty head and here they are, eating their ice cream at 3 pm all beaten up and tired

It was a middle of the summer, and even at night it was very hot and stuffy. Giorno was eating his dessert while telling S/o some teenage gibberish about video games and music and they were just sitting nex to him on the bench, almost sleeping, just nodding and yessing

S/o wanted to sleep so badly, they didn’t even notice that their ice cream melted and was dripping down their hand. “Ehhh, are you alright?” They opened their eyes and looked at Giorno, a funny confused expression on his face. Then they looked down and saw their melted ice cream dripping right on his leg

Yeah, his pants were dirty and stained with blood after a mission but now there is a sweet ice cream that is so hard to wash out. Giorno saw their worry and laughed quietly “Oh, don’t worry, there’s nothing to do with those pants. I ripped them, and I don’t think that I’ll be able to wash out all those blood stains. I’ll just buy another pants, how do you think, shouldi add some lace on the new pair or will it be too much?”

Masterlist | Smut Masterlist

[oyesmendes]

half hearted

a/n: this is part two to it was you! sorry if i hurt you!!!!

summary: shawn fucked up and he knows. he’s trying to fix it but could it be a tad bit late?

“Somewhere, anywhere but here”

Those words ran through his mind every single day he was home, and Shawn could barely focus on being with his family. He made trips to the Lakeside Cafe daily, passing by her house just as he rounded the corner to the Main Street. He was hoping to meet her, try to sort things out. He’d stand outside her house for not more than fifteen seconds, wondering if he should go ring the doorbell. Today was the same routine, he stood on the front yard of Y/N’s childhood home running through the old memories they made together. Shawn thought about all those late nights they spent climbing onto the roof of her house, drinking cheap beers and talking about their dreams. He remembered how Y/N was always a constant throughout his life even after he made it big and toured hundreds of cities in the world. Sure, Camila was there from the start too but Y/N, she felt like home. She was his home. He wrapped his arms around his body, the Canadian winter turning him into a 6 foot popsicle. He was getting ready to leave, not wanting to be any creepier than he was the past few days but the front door swung open and Shawn was frozen to the ground.

“Shawn! hey buddy, what’s up?” Mike shouted as he made his way down the driveway. Should he ask if Y/N was home? Was it appropriate to be asking her boyfriend that? Heck it.

“Hey uh, I was just wondering if Y/N is home? I needed to ask her something regarding work” A frown formed on Mike’s face as he approached Shawn.

“She didn’t tell you?”

“Tell me what?”

“She left Pickering last night”

“She what? Where did she go?”

“Florida, Miami. She said she had to go see Camila, something about-“ Before Mike could even finish, Shawn was running back home. Why the hell would she go to Miami? What the fuck, Y/N? He was dialing her number into his phone, re-dialing and cursing at it when he was led to voicemail.

-

She watched her phone vibrate in her lap again, Shawn’s face filling up the screen. 6 missed calls, 15 unread messages.

“Y’know he’s probably packing up his bags to fly here right” Camila gave her a knowing look. She was right, other than yourself Camila knew Shawn like the back of her hand. He was probably already driving to Toronto and yelling at Andrew to get him on the next flight out to Miami. But she couldn’t care, she couldn’t be bothered right now. She took a flight to Florida to try and fix things for Camila, for Shawn. And right now, she couldn’t afford him yelling at her. It was weird, being here and Camila pouring her heart out to Y/N when she was the underlying cause to her breakup. But they were friends, for as long as they could remember, Y/N and Camila were friends even before Shawn and Camila became a thing. Their parents became best friends after an incident on a family trip in Miami; and ever since that day, they were inseparable.

-

“Shawn you can’t just pack up and leave!” Aaliyah was shouting at her brother who was now throwing random articles of clothing into a duffel bag.

“You don’t tell me what to do, Liyah”

“Oh yeah? How about this - everyone knew she was leaving, Shawn. Everyone except you.” Shawn froze in his place.

“Wh-what do you mean?”

“Everyone knew where she was going. She came to say goodbye, told us she was going to try and fix things for you. If she couldn’t, then she was going to be a friend, one that Camila needs in a time like this.” She stood in front of Shawn, hands folded to her chest. “I know you love them both, in very different ways but you need to stop and think. They both mean so much in your lives and if you go down there and tell Y/N how much you love her and want her back, how the hell is Mila supposed to react? You’re going to hurt her, Shawn.”

As much as he hated it, he knew Aaliyah was right. He didn’t know what to do, he wasn’t a fixer like Y/N was and neither was he a romantic that knew his way around relationships like Camila did. He was just a dorky kid from Pickering, who wrote out his honest feelings in songs. So he did that, he wrote a song.

-

“Y/N! Como estas?” Camila’s mother greeted her with a warm embrace when they arrived at their Florida home. They led her through the house into the kitchen, where a table spread of food was waiting for them.

“I’m going to leave the two of you to devour this alright?” They both nodded and Camila gave her mother a peck on the cheek before joining Y/N at the kitchen counter. Y/N wasted no time before diving straight into the healing wound on Camila’s heart.

“Why didn’t you fight him on it?” Camila choked on the pancake, food flying out of her mouth. Silence ensued between them for a second, Camila only being able to focus on the food in front of her.

“Because”

“Oh fuck off Mila, you know that’s not an answer”

“Because I’m not the one he’s in love with” She sputtered out, taking a gulp of the coffee in her cup. It was way too hot, but she didn’t mind it burning her throat after what she had admitted on behalf of Shawn.

“Say again?” Y/N knew she was pushing it, but she had to hear Camila confirm the words that were spewing out of her mouth. Camila repeated the words this time, slowly and with more conviction. Y/N couldn’t believe her ears as she leaned back in her chair.

“So you’re telling me, after writing one whole album about you while he was dating me, then telling me he wasn’t in love with me; that he was wrong and he’s still in love with me?”

“And he always will be in love with you” Y/N scoffed at those words, she couldn’t believe what she was hearing. After all the drama, after she’s moved on and found someone new, Shawn was still in love with her?

“Is this a joke?” She looked out of the window at the sky. How could God be playing such a game with her? Camila hugged her from behind, her head resting on Y/N’s shoulder. She couldn’t piece anything together, patch up any holes because she didn’t know where to even start.  

-

I should’ve said a word

Because you were wrong in what you’re thinking

Girl, I’m only never thinking

Of you

Shawn scribbled the last lines to the song, slamming his notebook shut before shoving it into his duffel. It had been a week since Y/N left for Miami, and two days since she arrived back in LA with Mike. Both herself and Camila kept each other company throughout the few days they were together, reminiscing their old friendship and talking about how crazy the situation was amongst them. She didn’t mention much about Shawn to Mike, and he respected her need for privacy. That was one of the many things she admired about Mike, he was so patient with her and he listened to all of her stories after she broke up with Shawn. He knew she needed her space, and in time she would open up to him as long as he waited for her. She was his guardian angel, the one she could count on every single time.

It was late in the evening and Mike was working overtime in the office tonight. So Y/N was on the couch, watching a TV series she never really paid attention to. She was about to fall asleep when the pounding on her front door sent her falling off the couch. She dragged her body to the door, ready to scold Mike for forgetting his keys again, but the figure standing at the door made her swallow all her words.

“Shawn? Wha-how…what are you doing here?” He pushed past her and stomped into the hallway, shaking off his boots and bags.

“What the fuck Y/N?” He’d been waiting for days to say this to her, but when he saw the anger on her face, he immediately regretted every word.

“Excuse me?” She moved closer to him, her head cocked to the side. She was in a white Saint Laurent hoodie, the same one that Shawn had gotten her when she came to one of his shows in New York. He claimed that they should have matching “Best Friend” hoodies because it “strengthened the friendship” Oh the bullshit.

“You can’t just pack up and leave, then go to Miami to see my ex girlfriend!”

“Your ex-girlfriend so happens to be my best friend too!” They were now both shouting, and Shawn was pacing the living room, not ready for where the argument was going. When he didn’t respond immediately, Y/N took her chance to fire some shots. Better to get the damage done and out of the way.

“You are a fucking idiot do you know that?” She paused, looking at Shawn in the eyes, “You lost someone who loved you so much, who gave her heart to you. She thought she was going to marry you, Shawn! You broke her!”

“And I’m sorry! I’ve already apologised a million times what else do you want me to do?” He tugged at his hair. Shawn looked distraught, the bags under his eyes heavier than ever, his cheeks sunken in and the light that was once shining was nothing but a broken bulb flickering in his eyes. But she was in pain too, knowing that there wasn’t a good way to fix this.

“I don’t know Shawn”

“Let me hold you, please Y/N. You’re all I have now”  

“And I have Mike” She whispered.

“Wha-“

“I have Mike, I’m happy where I am Shawn. I’ve moved on.” Shawn felt as if he’d been shot in the chest when those words came tumbling out of her mouth. But it was true, Y/N has Mike who loves her till the end of the world. She saw herself marrying him, having kids together and building a family. She couldn’t see that with Shawn, at least not now when he couldn’t figure out himself. “You once told me that you should fight for love, and to fight hard when you were sure. And I saw you do that, you fought so hard for Camila that I told myself I had to let you go” Tears had welled up in both their eyes by now. They stood 3 feet apart, Y/N wrapping herself with her own arms and Shawn’s hands itching to pull her close to his chest.

“And I let you go” She continued, “then I found Mike, well more of he found me. And he put me back together, gave me his all. He fought for me and I love him, Shawn. I love him so so much. It could never match up to the love I have for you, but he’s my forever. I’m sorry”

Shawn didn’t have the energy to respond to her, hell he didn’t want to respond. All he could do was pick up his bags, and put on his shoes to leave. Y/N watched him gather his items and pull the front door open. He wanted to play the song he wrote about her, scream his thoughts out and tell her she was wrong. That he was always fighting for her no matter the circumstance. But he could only kiss her on the forehead, and whisper the words he never got to say,

“I love you, and I’m sorry”

[sarcastically-defensive17]

Hey, ida if you're accepting request, but how about reader and Luke being dating for a few years but lately they're having a lot of fights and he's very busy with the album, and then there is the quarantine and instead of work things out they just avoid each other, so reader maybe learnt to play piano bc of Luke and sings out of love by Alessia Cara and Luke is just like "I fucked up" and well they try to make it work... Pretty please

Out of love - L. Hemmings

Requests are always open! Send them in here: REQUESTSSS

I absolutely adore this idea, and that song is gorgeous but I think it kind of went down hill as I wrote it! I hope you like it!

Original story by sarcastically-defensive17

After five years, Y/N and Luke had seen almost all of the bad times. You had been there from the very start. she held his hand while they all counted the seconds until the first album dropped. She stood by his side through scandals, and hate from fans and media alike. She was his rock, and he was hers.

The past month had been the most stressful of his career, and that really is saying something. Y/N tried her hardest to be there for him. The spread of the Coronavirus had everybody on edge, Y/N included. Luke, on the other hand, spent many hours of the day going over the effects the outbreak and impending quarantine could have on his career. Namely, the release of their newest album.

They had both hit the end of their ropes. Y/N would get defensive over the slightest comment, and Luke would lash out randomly. The stress spent more time building for the two of them than it did easing.

Arguments almost every day for two weeks, hours spent up at night sitting in a tense silence while trying to figure out the cause of their issues.

In five years, Y/N had never shouted at her love so much. In five years, Luke had never avoided his girl so much.

They hit rock bottom when a small question escalated into an argument.

"Honey? You okay?" She asked after she walked in on Luke launching his phone onto their shared bed.

"I'm fine." He barely looked at her, snapping the words out of pure frustration at the world.

At this point, it was hard for Luke to see anything other than anger. He was simply so aggravated with everything that he could barely even acknowledge who he directed his anger towards.

Unfortunately, Y/N was quickly growing to be the same way.

"Rather than being an ass about it, you could just talk to me, you know?" She snipped, rolling her eyes at the tall man.

From there, it escalated dramatically. Insults were thrown, screams were released, and finally, Y/N told him to leave.

"If you would stop being an uptight bitch for one second, you would realize that I don't need your goddamn help, Y/N!"

Her mouth dropped at the words, and his jaw mirrored the action. It was the last straw. They had both thrown many insults at one another over the years, but the malice in his voice told her that he meant every word.

"Get the hell out." She turned away from him, intending to leave the room. "I'm not dealing with your self-centered bullshit anymore, Luke."

"I'm not leaving my own house," He scoffed, and a sarcastic laugh escaped from his throat.

She turned back to him, eyes full of unshed tears and an anger he had never before seen plastered on her face.

"Fine. You wanna stay? Then stay." her hands found her suitcase - the same one Luke had bought her for the bands 'Sounds Live, Feels Live" tour - and began piling clothes inside. She didn't pay attention to what was thrown in, but as soon as it was full, and she had kissed Petunia on the head, she left.

She found herself on Crystal's doorstep, tears falling from her eyes, sobs wracking her form.

She was ordered to stay at the Clifford household until she was ready to go back home. Back to him.

A week had passed and nothing. She tried to call him after five days and the call went straight to his voicemail.

Despite the presence of one of her best friends, and the overly cheerful Michael Clifford, she couldn't shake how lonely she was without the presence of the man she loved.

She made the decision to leave the house. She wanted some space.

She expected a call or something after a few days. She expected him to answer the phone when she called, even if it ended in a screaming match. She wanted at least something to remind her that she was still his.

A few days later, and they were required to enter quarantine. Crystal, in all her overbearing instincts, ordered her to occupy their spare bedroom until she could go back to her own house.

Which meant more time away from Luke.

14 days had passed and he had ignored every one of her calls, her messages. She had even tried to send him a message on Instagram in hopes that she would get a reply. She simply got left on open.

After five years, he had made it clear that he was done with her, and she was truly heart broken.

Her emotions got the best of her and she had found herself toying with the piano that Michael had in his practice room.

She was flooded with memories of countless secret lessons spent with Ashton in hopes of learning one of their songs for Luke. Y/N knew how much music meant to Luke, and she thought it would be a good way to pull some emotion from him during the tough time, but unfortunately, she never got so far.

For the first time in their relationship, Luke had counted down the seconds until release alone. He should have been happy but all he could feel was guilt flow through his body with every beat of his heart.

It killed him to think of his girl sitting all alone, counting the minutes down as they had for the previous three albums.

It hurt him to keep a smile on his face through the Instagram lives, and talk about how he wrote some of the lyrics to 'Lover of Mine' with the woman.

What really struck a chord in him, was the video she had posted the day after the release.

The picture was black and white, similar to the one he uploaded of his 'Best Years' performance.

Y/N was positioned at a piano, as she skillfully played the intro to an Alessia Cara song she loved, but he couldn't remember the name.

He had heard her sing before, but never to this extent. She looked at home with the keys in front of her.

I won't tell you I'm lonely, 'cause it might be selfish. I won't ask you to hold me 'cause that won't mend what's helpless.

His stomach dropped as the lyrics flooded his mind. The song was about an intense heartbreak, a longing for answers.

He could faintly see the outline of a tear dropping down her cheek, but she kept her voice strong. The black and white video was chosen especially to hide her emotions.

There's not a thing I could say, not a song I could sing for your mind to change.

He knew the song was dedicated to him. He didn't know when she had learned to play his favourite instrument, but he was lost in the perfection of her every move.

His heart yearned to hold the woman in his arms and apologize for every wrong he had committed over the past month and a half.

But let me ask you one thing, oh, when did you fall out of love? Out of love. Oh, when did you fall out of love with me?

He knew she was hurting. He had avoided her messages because he was too blinded by his own anger and stress to truly realize the damage he had done to the woman.

She looked physically in pain, yet her beauty still radiated through the grey scale video. Tears dropped from his own eyes as he witnessed the woman he loved experience such heartache.

She truly believed he had fallen out of love with her because of his actions.

He had hurt her so deeply.

Before he could finish the video, his keys were in hand and he was slamming the door behind him.

The doorbell rang through Michael and Crystal's house and Y/N made a move to get the door. They were all stumped as to who it could be, as everybody was to maintain social distance and only leave the house to retrieve essentials.

As soon as the door was opened, a mop of blond curls had attacked her, wrapping his long arms around her body and dragging her into one of the many rooms of the Clifford house, leaving a very confused Michael and Crystal watching the scene from a lounge.

The door was closed behind them, but the large human had yet to detach himself from her body and instead, ended up kneeled in front of her, forehead pressed against her stomach and sobs shaking his body against hers.

"I'm so sorry, Y/N. I fucked up. I fucked up big time," his voice was wet through the heavy sobs and her fingers went to his hair, hoping to soothe him enough to calm the tears.

Luke felt so guilty. He had hurt her so much and not had a single care for the repercussions. He was selfish and convinced the woman, who had stood by his side for five years, through so much, that he didn't love her.

All because he was stressed over the album.

"Luke-"

"No," he cut her off, standing to his feet so she can see the intensity of his puffy eyes, "No. You have every right to be mad at me. I fucked up, Y/N. I was so worried about how we were going to promote the album and what was going to happen with the quarantine that I took it out on you. I can't apologize to you enough."

She had spent too many sleepless nights wondering if he would ever speak to her again, and if he still loved her that she was at a loss of words when he finally made contact.

"Luke," she tried, taking a moment to piece together what she wanted to say. "You can be such an asshole sometimes."

He laughed at the emission, waiting with bated breath to find out if she still wanted him around.

"I will forever be in your corner. I will always be on your side, and I act like an overbearing bitch because I care about you, but so help me, if you ever say that to me again, I won't forgive you," Her voice was strict, and he nodded at the instructions.

He can't believe he let the words fall from his lips. He would never intentionally hurt the woman, and he was beyond disgusted at himself for making her think he would ever stop loving you.

"I love you so much, Y/N. I'm so sorry," he stated, pulling into another hug.

"I love you too, Lu."

"You're only meant to leave the house for essentials, Lucas!" Michael screeched from the doorway, cringing at the couple while Crystal rolled her eyes at him.

"I know. Y/N is the only essential I need."

[photolover82]

The Masked Singer Season 5 Episode 2 Recap: It’s Group B Time, let’s meet them! (Commentary & Guesses)

Hello my fellow Masked Singer fanatics! Welcome (or welcome back) to Ana’s Masked Singer recap, where I, Ana (nice to virtually meet you btw), recap every single episode of The Masked Singer. Here we are again with season 5, but this time another group, Group B, which consist of Black Swan 🖤🦢, Piglet 🐷, Chameleon 🦎, Grandpa Monster 👹 👴, and Phoenix 🦜.

So, let’s begin with the first eliminated contestant of Group B:

The first eliminated contestant was:

*DRUMROLL PLEASE*

Phoenix 🦜

Commentary: Ok, so this wasn’t surprising whatsoever, she sang Tik Tok by Kesha and you can obviously tell that she isn’t a singer at all. Like idk how else to explain it to you guys, but I guess she was talk singing... kind of like Wendy/the lips last season... so it was kind of easy the moment she opened her mouth to start singing to recognize immediately who it was...

Having said that, she was revealed to be (as I knew, this one wasn’t hard)...

*DRUMROLL PLEASE*

Caitlyn Jenner

Hehe I knew it! Again, like Wendy Williams aka the lips, this was way too obvious. She already walked around Hollywood Blvd with the Don’t Talk to me hoodie on so I knew she was going to be on the show but the min I saw Phoenix, the clues, and the moment she opened her mouth, I was so certain it was Caitlyn. No, I am not a big Kardashian/Jenner fan tbh but I used to watch the show way back when.... like in 2016? I am not sure, but I recognized her voice immediately.

Now onto my guesses for the remaining 4:

1. Black Swan 🦢🖤

Commentary: So she sang Barracuda by Heart and damn, she got a strong voice! It’s a really amazing voice, even though the song choice wasn’t my favorite, because it didn’t suit her voice completely and showcase her range, but she was badass (can I say that? Whatever, this is my show, I’ll say it, it’s not THAT bad of a word) tbh. In certain parts, she was like screaming a lot and I was like um maybe this isn’t her best song choice but her voice is amazing! She gives me Seahorse mixed with Flamingo vibes, I love her!

I think she is singer extraordinaire:

Jojo (not Siwa but we have another Jojo on our hands)

Reasoning/Clues: there are so many clues that match but her voice is the main thing that clicked for me that it was her, but let’s look at those clues so you can get the picture:

Wanted Poster with RV highlighted= she appeared in the movie RV with Robin Williams

She talks about being trapped and someone else’s prey and then getting out of it= she was trapped in her record label & there was controversy surrounding it and she had to sue her label for not releasing her music

A 5 on a watch= she toured with 5th harmony and has released 5 albums

Cluedledoo (Rooster) clue= she covered a monster= she covered one of T-Pain aka the Monster from season 1’s songs

2. Piglet 🐷

Commentary: He was my favorite of the night with his rendition of Speechless by Dan + Shay! You guys know if you have seen my recaps in season 3 (or even last week with Robopine) that I have a soft spot for a guy who has a super silky voice, like either boy band type or R&B smooth af kinda vibe (i.e. Fox in season 2, Turtle in season 3, Robopine in season 5).... or should I say any guy who can falsetto and Piglet is giving me those boy band smooth vibes, I love it so much! His voice is soooo familiar I am so sure about this one by the way.

My guess and I am so sure of this is:

Nick Lachey

Reasoning/Clues: This one I recognized immediately, the voice was really easy to figure out, but these clues also are pretty convincing (oh and he was on Ken’s show, I Can See Your Voice, so it’s not surprising that he would be on this show):

The clue package had a dating show vibe = reminiscent of Love is Blind, the Netflix dating show he hosts with his wife Vanessa

The world saw his heart break= he had a very public relationship with his ex-wife Jessica Simpson and they even had a reality show together called Newlyweds

Cluedle-doo clue: “knows how to stay cool even in the heat”= referring to his past aka his boy band 98 degrees (get it? Because that’s the heat and they are cool because they are a boy band... well played Masked Singer well played... I wanna meet whoever makes these clues because they are great with puns and they seem super clever)

3. Chameleon 🦎

Commentary: Chameleon surprised me I am not gonna lie. I thought he was going to be another athlete like Whatchamacallit last season or White Tiger from season 3 because he was so tall but nope he surprised me with his rendition of Ride with Me by Nelly. He seems like a legit rapper and I liked him a lot than I thought I would honestly so this guess isn’t totally out of left field.

My guess is that this is...

Wiz Khalifa

Reasoning/Clues: so yeah, the voice and the height kinda gave it away to me (Wiz is 6 foot 4 inches and his body type matches the chameleon), but also yeah clues I have to give you guys some logic bombs instead of being like eh that voice and height BOOM WIZ KHALIFA... yeah no it doesn’t work like that, so here are the logic bombs hehe:

Dice with 2 and 3 on it= he did a song with Miley Cyrus called 23

007 clue= he has a song called (yes this is real, look it up) James Bong (omg I am trying not to laugh while typing this but whatttt?! Google really is a gem omg 😳😂) and he played James Bond in the music video

His love of technology & “put tech in technicolor”= apparently, the guy is a huge tech geek and has said it in a lot of interviews (wow humans are so complex and cool, I would have never thought that this man is a tech savvy guy... but the more you know I guess <P.S. I Googled half of these things... like idk this off the top of my head duh, I usually go by voice with my guesses and then I google the clues>)

4. Grandpa Monster

Commentary: He sang Mambo No. 5 and yeah it’s a basic choice for a song, but I liked it. He is not my favorite by any means and now that I listen to it again, I can only hear this person and I am not a fan of him like whatsoever (even tho I gotta acknowledge he has changed and I have *I KNOW... I HATE ME TOO* agreed with stuff he has said in his podcast un ironically.... yeah I am so sorry, I hate myself for saying this too... anyways let’s just get to the person I mean

I have a sneaking suspicion that it is (unfortunately):

Logan Paul

Reasoning/Clues: Yup, um... I really hope I am wrong but honestly ever since someone said it in the YouTube comments section of his performance, I can’t un hear it and I am shook honestly (at least it’s not his brother... I mean we can get worse, and he has respected the pandemic and not been a prick like his *cough* brother *cough*... just saying.. oh and if you don’t know what I am talking about or who this is, he’s a YouTuber who got into some um controversy because he filmed a dead body in 2018 so there’s that... oh and his brother has done a billion worse things than him, but you can Google that one if you are interested in finding out more because it’s too much for me to talk about and we are not even talking about Jake (that’s the brother))... Anyways, sorry, I ramble, but ugh the clues seem convincing and it irks me that it is because I am not a fan of neither of these guys and I don’t want them in the show but whatever I guess he’s the lesser of 2 evils:

He was a troublemaking fool as a youngster= yeah probably regarding that suicide forest video a couple of years ago (that ok, lemme give him credit, he has apologized for it and has kind of proven himself... yuck I hate saying that, I am NOT defending him I swear)

Acting out for all eyes on me= he used to be very well known for pranks on his channel back in the day (before the incident) and he did some stupid stuff for clout lemme tell ya (I never liked these guys, like ever, I thought they were weird.... not my demographic I guess, I wasn’t 12 nor a boy)

6 in Xs and Os like football plays = he did play football 🏈 in high school, he was so good that and actually attributes playing football for long term brain damage he has that makes him as the Wikipedia article says it (I am legit gonna quote what it says because I thought it was fascinating) “affects his ability to have empathy and a human connection with others.” (Mind you, he himself claimed this according to this article)

“Acting out”= he has acted in a few things before and starred in The Thinning

Web with the shooting star= he is a web star, get it? YouTube... web star... hehe again these clue writers are *chef’s kiss*

Cluedle-doo clue: he has trained for battle= now his new thing is boxing and he has trained for actual fights before, his first one being against British YouTuber KSI which he lost... oh and I almost forgot, how can I forget this cute little detail.... he is set to fight Floyd Mayweather this summer apparently... OH AND DID I MENTION HE IS MAKING 5 MILLION DOLLARS FROM THIS DEAL?! He’s winning either way with this fight like damn... but that wasn’t part of it, I just thought it was trippy... again I say, Google is a gem, u find some interesting reads

Ok so that’s it (what a great note to end on lol)! I hope you guys enjoy! Sorry for it being so long and taking so much time to do.. it’s been a crazy last couple of days! I will try to get the next one this upcoming weekend so I’ll see you guys then. (Ohhh btw I now live tweet the show on my Twitter- @photolover82 so if you want to follow me on there and live tweet with me, that can be fun!) Bye guys and don’t forget to like, comment, and do all the social media-y things, you know the drill!

[watching-pictures-move]

Movie Review | The Decline of Western Civilization series (Spheeris, 1981-98)

Many years ago, before I sold out to the man, I have to admit I felt a certain attraction to punk music. No, I was never anywhere close to a full on punk (I was, and still am, extremely lame), but I have to admit the anti-establishment streak definitely resonated with me at a certain point of time. (Not that it still doesn’t, but in addition to selling out, I’ve softened with old age.) Like many people I’ve found appealing the political conscience and mix of influences of the Clash, or the boneheaded energy of the Ramones, but I also found my interest straying to hardcore punk. I remember the first time I listened to “Damaged II” by Black Flag and finding it unbelievably abrasive and foreign to my ears, yet it was something I couldn’t get out of my head, and returned to the song and the album it was from a few years later and appreciated it as one of the most forceful expressions of angst ever recorded. I remember first learning of bands like X and Fear, and seeing performance footage on YouTube and being thrilled by the rawness and danger, especially when they had to fight off their fans. This footage was from Penelope Spheeris’ cult classic documentary, The Decline of Western Civlization, which for years was not easily available but I have now finally seen in its entirety.

The movie is structured simply, moving from one band in the L.A. punk scene to another, interviewing them in their natural habitats and punctuating this with footage of their performances. Songs are presented in full so we can get the complete experience. The first band we see is Black Flag, then with frontman Ron Reyes. They are lively on stage but it’s interesting to note how different the energy was prior to the arrival of Henry Rollins, who brought a certain discipline and muscularity to their music. (One of the songs featured here, “Depression”, pops up again in Damaged, and the impact in the latter is noticeably more forceful.) The guys here come across as aimless and destitute, living in a decrepit church where they’ve turned the closets into makeshift bedrooms, seemingly losing money with every gig. But they are also quite affable (you can tell the lyrics of “TV Party” sprang from these minds) and do not have illusions about their situation, especially their difficulty in getting gags thanks to their rowdy fans. These scenes play like a moment frozen in time, right before the band’s most significant period would begin. We move next to the Germs, and these scenes play like a car accident in slow motion, with Darby Crash’s self-destructive tendencies on full display. This was a short time before his death, which occurred between completion of filming and the theatrical release (his image was featured heavily on the promotional materials), once again giving this a lost in time quality.

Next we go to the headquarters of Slash Magazine, the staff of which moonlights as a band called Catholic Discipline. The frontman complains about New Wave, claiming it doesn’t actually exist, yet they come across as downmarket New Wavers who are slumming it in the punk scene. Yet their love of music and their work is obvious and the frontman does possess a certain charisma. Much of what we see of the punk lifestyle is squalid and dismal, yet the music of X manages to poeticize this condition. Their unassuming demeanours during their interview contrast sharply with their vigour in their performances, during which they do their share of batting off overeager fans. We get a burst of political conviction when the Circle Jerks launch into the libertarian anthem “Red Tape”, but this dissipates by the time they start playing “I Just Want a Skank”. We spend some time with the Alice Bag Band and then are treated to a montage of interviews with punk fans. These are shot in monochrome with stark backgrounds and a single bulb providing the lighting, which has the effect of bringing them and their words into sharp relief. We hear similar stories again and again, of aimlessness and aggression, the subjects using the music both as an outlet for their frustrations and inspiration for violence.

Spheeris’ camera has been largely nonjudgmental, yet there’s an undeniable sadness in this sequence. But lest I make it sound that the movie makes punk seem uniformly depressing, the closing sequence provides a potent antidote. The electrifying final minutes of the film feature a performance by Fear (who are not interviewed). The atmosphere here is hostile, with the band riling up the audience with homophobic and misogynistic taunting and having to physically fight them off throughout their set list. It might be tempting to liken their shtick to cheap alt-rightish provocation, but I think that robs their music of the proper context. When almost all their peers and fans adopt an attitude of “everything sucks”, Fear’s ability to find the humour in that mentality is kind of refreshing. It also would ignore the sheer muscularity of the delivery, which almost turns the music into a form of violence. The film is undeniably a fascinating document, but while Spheeris may have had the good fortune of turning on her camera in the right place and right time (even if she had to pay to rent soundstages to film some of the performances), it’s moments like this of pure exhilaration that cement the film’s greatness.

Part II: The Metal Years takes place almost a decade later, with a drastically new context and perspective. This time the focus is on the L.A. metal scene, which was a dominant cultural force unlike hardcore punk ever was. And this time around Spheeris’ POV is less of impartial observation and more satirical condescension. Taken journalistically, the movie is obviously compromised, particularly in an interview of Ozzy Osbourne that’s misleadingly edited to make it look like he has the shakes. I wish the movie hadn’t done this, as Ozzy is a flamboyant enough presence that he’s already funny without needing to frame him into gags, something Spheeris acknowledged in an interview years after the fact. Ozzy and a few other veterans of the scene are not immune to metal culture’s innate ridiculousness (the movie’s biggest laugh for me was Spheeris’ deadpan reaction to Steven Tyler’s extended masturbation metaphor to describe the rock’n’roll lifestyle). It’s worth noting that Spheeris asked her subjects how they wanted to be filmed, leading to such choice setups as Gene Simmons in a lingerie store and Paul Stanley in a bed full of scantily clad models. (Lemmy allegedly took offense to how he was portrayed, claiming Spheeris shot him from afar to make him look stupid, but I don’t think he comes across badly. He’s low key and unassuming in a way that contrasts him from the other participants, at the very least in terms of appearance).

The structure of this entry is tighter, using snippets of different interviews to flesh out different ideas, exploring the decadence and excess of the music and the surrounding culture. We even hear from the anti-metal folks, particularly in one amusing scene where a woman describes the dangerous potential of metal fashion with the solemnity of a cop or anti-gun advocate describing illegal firearms. Performance footage is limited to brief excerpts, usually for comic relief (assless chaps and a limp attempt to set fire to a Soviet flag are highlights), although we do get an extended look at a sleazy stripping context. (The club owners featured seem as much into the metal lifestyle as some of the musicians and fans, in sharp contrast to the genial working class types featured in the first and third entries.) The most notorious segment of the film is the interview with Chris Holmes from W.A.S.P., who lounges in a pool in alcoholic self loathing, which probably went farther in deflating the excitement around the metal scene than any single moment. Yet like the first film, this one refuses to lock into too narrow view of its subject and rebounds with a Megadeth performance that goes a long way in showing that yes, this music can in fact be good. (I should say that I enjoy my share of hair metal, which Megadeth is decidedly not, but the songs earlier in the film don’t do the best job of selling the genre. Although anything would look lame with assless chaps.) This movie is more obviously flawed than the original, but I can’t help but kind of love it. The fact is that the metal musicians and fans, despite being somewhat boneheaded, are also full of good vibes and fun to hang around (more so than the self-serious punk fans in the original), and the movie is quite slick and stylish by documentary standards, which makes the film true to its subject matter in a a way. I mean, you open the movie with Motorhead and I’m half won over already, and I haven’t stopped thinking (and smiling) about it since I’ve seen it.

The good vibes don’t carry over to Part III, which follows a group of homeless gutter punks in L.A. around another decade later. Once again there’s a change in context and perspective, with Spheeris coming across as more compassionate and maternal. The musicians here offer a more sobering, grounded presence. The veterans here, Keith Morris and Rick Wilder, come across as survivors more than anything, particularly the latter with his skeletal, emaciated appearance. The music this time around is almost beside the point, although we do get the sense that it offers the main subjects one of their only sources of relief. Their stories are similar. Broken homes. Forced onto the streets. Substance abuse. The movie feels like extended versions of the Darby Crash scenes and the interviews from the original, but with the grim consequences covered in the final moments, and the film’s sense of despair is alleviated only by the compassion Spheeris brings to the material. I can’t see myself returning to this as readily as it’s more downbeat and less dynamic than the previous movies, but it is undeniably moving, and had a profound effect on Spheeris as well, who decided to become a foster parent after her experience making this movie.

[koalaaquabear]

The 5 hour finale live stream just concluded and y’all, it was crazy. It has been a wonderful several months with all you guys and I am so excited for April 8th and Junior Year. 

MASSIVE SPOILERS UNDER THE FOLD IF YOU HAVE NOT WATCHED THE STREAM YET. Here is my clusterfuck of a commentary. Enjoy!

Fantasy High: Sophomore Year Live Reaction -HOOT GROWL BABY it's time. I didn't react to part one but wOW that one was crazy. Get ready for EMOTIONS :'(( -SIG FIG RESCUE MISSION lol #ontour -well ok brennan that canopy shit is scary as fuck -murph is still looking like riz -Zaphriel and Ayda!!!!!!! -"HOLD ME BACK GORGUG" i love u emily -Brennan I stg -Ayda is Gorgug's dad lol -oh shIT they're totally in the cottage -heLL YEAH AYDA!! -oh GOD figayda kiss? exceptional. -if ayda dies i WILL throw dice at Brennan -ok brennan make me cry then -GET THE VAN GORGUG -gorgug truly is the greatest wizard of this age -#hugeblueguy -aww zac oyama i love you -"semi-fallen" oH dEar -gorgug texts zelda IMMEDIATELY i love him -amaZING thank you zelda -"ew, creepy, hate that" -zaphriel is the best character you guys, what a homie -i keep forgetting ayda can fly. like she has wings. i know that. -AELWYN! -nOPE someone is coming through the forest and if it's arianwen i will kill cry -HANGMAN???? -HANGMAN!!!! HIS DOG!!!!! -HANGMAN NO I LOVE YOU YOU'RE THE CUTEST DOGGY -adaine i love you baby -"the weak yogurt man" -what high ranking devil??? -fabian you're adorable -aww fabian has a puppy!! (i get that the hangman is eight feet long don't @ me) -that's the first "the ball" -lou can never have the highest roll -BARDY BOYS -oop kristen and riz time -tracker? i barely even know her -chills, brennan. chills -someone in the chat just said "so did skrank fuck zelda?" -intense muSIC -nononononononono -ragh, tracker, and sandralynn better be all right -ooo a sTICK -HELL YEAH RETURN OF THE RIBBON DANCE -"riz weeps" holy shit i love him -"something bad always happens when we go off together" -#RIZTEN -awwoOOOOOOO -ayda can fly too! -absolutely FUCK this bridge ABOUT 30 MINUTES -poor ayda -please say they're ok brennan -"put your tongue baCK in your mouth" -sANDRA LYNN NO -"what kind of arrows" "you know what kind" fuCK OFF BRENNAN -if baxter dies i will cry -wait faerie fire is a cleric spell..? absolutely fuck me -ok aelwyn let's fuck shit up -calling the bank in the middle of this nightmare forest lol -heLL YEAH ZAPHRIEL -luck check luck check luck check -"y'all are going to turn into dragons" -fabian straight up cries? what a fucking rich kid -NO WAY HE HAD T H E COIN??? -REMOVE CURSE BABY -"nnOOO!" lmao -ally and brennan are in the chat -kristen's religion is REALLY coming in handy -the name was turned into the night yorb lol -"how's that axe feeling?" "..pretty light ;)" i love him -ayda can lift the axe??? exceptional -FIG IS KALINA? ABSOLUTELY RAD -brennan has created a place where illusions are real and emily is holding him TO IT -"do you have a dongle?" incredible -EMILY I LOVE YOU! KALINA IS A YOUTUBER BABY -wretchrot is baCK baby -aelwyn i love that -"i am a low quality child" "yeah ayda you're a bad kid" -"hey bitch" emily axford is a goddess -im sorry cOURT OF ELDERS? -NO I WILL CRY -ROLL INITIATIVE TIME -go OFF hangman -ooo some high initiatives babyyy -zac oyama is my favorite ever -"trackerrr" -brian as soon as emily was threatened said "how dare you" -brennan you FUCK "i'm awake for all of this" FUCK YOU -fig and her mommy issues: an album -absolutely FUCK THE TREE GUY -kick that wood elf BITCH ABOUT ONE HOUR -fuck him UP fabian, shit in his gODDAMN mOUTh -"SPRING BREAK YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKER" -pleASE BRENNAN LET HIM SHOOT HER WITH THE TINCTURE -spRING break this is for the corn god -okay nevermind riz is holding his action -i love the intrepid heroes they're adorable -"ice feast" fucking love them so much -yES the ball thank GOD -brennan..? -"her rage ends" tracker = barbarian -FIRST NAT 20 BABY -"IT 100% WORKS BUT IT 50% WORKED" -that's the second "the ball" -bOOOOOOO BRENNAN -mad plans for the tree guy -sorry, is his name crAFTME ROOTDRINKER? -oh ok it's aelwyn we're fine -cone of cOLD baby i love aelwyn what a babe -you absolutely hate to see it -ragh my baby i love you -SPRING BREAK -tracker nO PLEASE -TRACKER JUST CRIT OH NO -brennan is really good at acting this btw -wait 14 on a crit??? i mean oH NO kRISTEN, bOO -disPEL MAGIC BABY -ALLY BEARDSLEY YOU ABSOLUTE GOD -aww kristennn is babyyy -tracker nooo don't cryyyy -you've sAVED your GIRLFRIEND -"some of us have already done that today" fig the sHADE -ally simply musT get new dex -absolutely fuck that brennan i don't need that vampire pixie -FUCK IT UP AYDA -FIGHT ME IN THE SKY! -"does a 29 hit?" daMN zac that absolute SHADE -53 DAMAGE?? CHEJ IS SO FUCKING STRONG -"goddamn paper lantern" -absolutely fuck you brennan -nevermind gorgug and adaine both passed the con saving throw -"i don't like you" lou really gets personally upset about this and i love that -nO NO NONONONO aelwyn and tracker are down -FUCK IT UP ADAINE -gdi brennan don't do this to us -ABSOLUTELY FUCK THE TREE -fig is straight up gonna kill her mom -this is scary as fuck -HANGMAN HAS A BREATH WEAPON AND YOU DIDN'T SAY SHIT??? CHOKE ON GRAPES BRENNAN -FUCK EM UP HANGMAN ABOUT 1 HOUR AND A HALF -wood elf is DOWN baby hoot growl -kristen thinks the elf is gak lol -23 DAMAGE??? AC OF 25??? ABSOLUTELY FUCK IT UP FABIAN -SHENANIGANS TIME FOR MURPH -HELL SECRET AGENT TIME -27??? RIZ YOU'RE THE HOTTEST -third the ball -imagine the ball is secretly SO HOT without the hat -YES BRENNAN GOT A NAT 1 EAT YOUR GODDAMN DICE -sweEET -fourth the ball (they've all been Lou cuz of course) -incredible turn murph -kalina is SO GOOD at skateboarding -#bloodphoto -KALINA HAS 23 WISDOM? absolutely fuck me -oh hELL YEAH FIG COUNTER THE COUNTER -emily is doing some SHIT right now you guys (fear spell) -DAMMIT that high as fuck wisdom -sorry WHAT she rips open sPACE??? -BABY BETTER SAVE THE GODDAMN DAY -let's go BABY -"mMMHHHHnnN leET ME tOUCh ItT" baby is fucking weird -"baby vs mommy" i love you siobhan -aelwyn better not DIE brennan -riz baby let's get it -trACKEr -nAT 1??? kristen is unCONSCIOUS?? -HUMAN DETERMINATION!!! THE GRIT BABY] -wait aura of life is badass!! they can't lose damage?? -okay scrap that we're gonna TURN UNDEAD and then MASS HEALING WORD? absolutely incredible -gorgug has so much goddamn health -FUCK THIS TREE DUDE -KILL IT AYDA LET'S GO -"her girl's side" *in lou voice* okAY bRENNNAn -second nat 1 but both of them re-rolled -GEM!!!! -LET'S GET GORTHALAX BABYYYY -"BIG DADDY" -ayda is so turned on lol -KILL IT CHEJ OKAYYYY -fuck this centaur -i'm so nervous -puT THOSE DICE DOWN BRENNAN -"you're gonna drop." shuT UP -riz is fULLY DEAD???? -i hate this. i hate this. i hate this. i hate this. i hate this. i hate this. -sHUT UP BRENNAN -baby is DEAD oh my GOD you absolutely hate to see it ABOUT 2 HOURS -nO NO NO NO NO NO NO PUT THAT CROWN AWAY BITCH -absolutely fuck me, the nightmare king is totally fucking back i hate myself -aww fabian is baby -hELL YEAH FABIAN SPRING BREAK -"i've lost one friend, that's too many" fabian is adorable -"that's a full ass miss, my guy" -sandra lynn just crit on chej :(((((( -14 damage is not very spring break of her (she did 28 but it was halved because gorgug is such a strong boyyy) -LET'S GO LOU -almost all of them are spellcasters wtf (only one who isn't is riz but he has a daily misty step) -fuck em up hangman -fUCK EM UP HANGMAN! d8 + 2d6 +8 i think -figaroth the unfaethable baby -THOSE ARE SOME SHENANIGANS FIG I LOVE IT (she's shattering the rubies to get a revivify diamond) -casts teleport??? aelwyn came here to FUCK -"i would love to teach you this spell" aww the abernant sisters liking each other is my new aesthetic -fuck em up adaine -you can hit the tree on a 12 babyyyyy -heLL YEAH 44 DAMAGE ADAINE IS STRONG NOW -kalina is not even that cool she just said "that's enough of that" in the most uncool way -2 down 3 to go! -omg wait it would be so badass if they could just remove curse on kalina -"Mr. The Insatiable" -ayda is such a sweetheart "i don't care if you want me to date your daughter but i do hope you love me" -"I LOVE THIS SONG" yes siobhan me too -on a DC 20 she got a 31!!!! consider my jeans creamed -SHRED BABY GIRL!!! -KILLIAN IS DEAD! RIZ IS ALIVE! -ayda is so turned on AHHH -I LOVE RIZ SO MUCH "am i interrupting something???" -fuck him UP chej! 3 hits, no crits -hell yeah mr. march!! oh sorry wrong series -a gROUP PROJECT i'm DEAD -someone in the chat called him "snac oyama" and you're rigHT -siobhan's straight fucking this tree UP -the spellcasters are like all out of spells at this point -fuck OFF arianwen. KILL YOUR MOM -"where's your father, aelwyn?" "last i saw, adaine killed him so *shrug*" i lOVE HER -FUCK THEM UP GORTHALAX -abolutely fuck the nightmare king -waIT GORTHALAX IS GONNA KILL THE NIGHTMARE KING -sidenote: fig calls gorthalax pops -dO IT BRENNAN kILL YOUR OWN BIG BAD -this treeant has GOT to be dead -NAT 1 on that attack?? SPRING BREAK BABY -no we haven't seen kalina in action brennan, and we do not want to -OH SHIT THE TIE! YOu just got FUCKed bRENnan eaT youR DICE -yeS AYDA ROAST HER -"GOTTEM!" -i'm sorry i just hallucinated, did you say 6 ATTACKS? -time to go VIRAL BABY -19 intelligence, 23 wisdom, 20 charisma for kalina? absolutely fuck me -riz just got kICKed! you absolutely hate to see it -GODDAMMIT -KALINA IS HOMOPHOBIC CONFIRMED ABOUT 2 AND A HALF HOURS -brennan be like "im about to kill this bird" -absolutely fuck me i hate this -let's go FIG -time to caTCH the bALL -murph has the same thinking face as riz and it's adorable -this is not very spring break brennan -DC 25 acrobatics check? c'mon faBIAN -29????? -fifth the ball (from the hangman) -"there's just something endearing about him" fabian loving his friends is adorable -absolutely fuck me that fire elemental is adorable -absolutely swaddle the ball -well hot take but fuck the nightmare king you guys -absolutely NOT brennan do NOT kill adaine you PSYCHO BITCH -PLEASE ADAINE LIVE -STRAIGHT DEAD? FULLY DEAD? FUCK OFF WITH THIS INSTAKILL SHIT BRENNAN -hell yeah ayda is back and kristen has the revivify diamond -aelwyn FULLY banished that unicorn -it's good to know ragh really doesn't want them to die -YES RAGH IS BACK BABY -fuck em up kristen -s/o to DND Beyond btw absolutely banger website -hell yeah mass healing word is awesome -clerics are GOOD you guys i should play more clerics -FUCK IT UP AYDA -SANDRA LYNN IS BACK BABY -skater chej is my favorite thing -aBSOLUTEly fuck the tree -i have no idea wHAT is happening ABOUT 3 HOURS -fuCK YOU nightmare king -i absolutely hate this battle but at least gorthalax is still standing -gorgug better split this gd tree -"what if we just kill kalina?" yeah zac it's that goddamn easy -brennan almost just fucked everyone -"does she want to borrow my teddy bear?" the SHADE -"MAKEOVERRR" i love you siobhan -this tree SUCKS -battlemaster is cool as fUCK SPRING BREAK -BARDY BOYS also i think that was a nat 20 -i can't imagine the thistlesprings watching the battle livestream and like worrying if gorgug is going to die -FUCK HER UP THE BALL -ABSOLUTE SHENANIGANS FROM MURPH! -with ADVANTAGE BABY -"has anyone seen my hat!?" keep it off baby you're HOT now -"mirrors negate mirrors" "i think oscar wilde said that" i love them -#hotrizweek? -holy shit fig is FUCKING THIS BATTLE UP -HELL YEAH KALINA ROLLS A NATURAL 2!!!! -hell yeah adaine is back and SO MUCH is happening that i'm like forgetting to write down my reactions -kill this woody motherfucker baby -the music is too lOUD -ok it's normal now -fuck em up gorgug -i'm sorry the chat is saying he did 90 DAMAGE?!?!?!? -KILL IT CHEJ ILY -fuck off brennan, absolutely fuck off -ABSOLUTELY FUCK OFF BRENNAN -gorthalax is FULLY DEAD? absolUTELY FUCK YOU -SAINT KRISTEN APPLEBEES -adaine has SOLVED THIS SHIT -god all the abernant names are confusing -fuck you kalina ABOUT 3 AND A HALF HOURS -BRENNAN I STG IF RAGH ENDS UP DEAD -hellish rebuke that bitch -c'MON faBIAN HIT that BITCH -wait is kalina a rogue and a druid? absolutely incredible -FUCK IT UP FABIAN -OMG THE HANGMAN BETTER FUCK THIS UP -YES THE BALL 31 DAMAGE -so the stream just ended. i'll say it again: absolutely fuck me -ok so we're back and kalina got fucked up -WHAT THE FUCK A NAT 20???????? YOU ABSOLUTELY LOVE TO SEE IT -ALLY WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THIS -I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS AND NEITHER CAN BRENNAN -MAGIC IS REAL AND SO IS MY ALLY -i can't believe this. eat your GOD damn DICE brennan! -OMG ARE THE NIGHTMARE KING AND THE GODDESS ONE AND THE SAME? -THEY ARE! THE NIGHTMARE KING IS THE NIGHTMARE QUEEN -brennan is CRAZY AHHHHH -brennan absolutely stop this tension -28 insight. brennan is fucked -GO TOWARDS HIM KRISTEN -YES!!!! PLEASE SAY THIS IS A GOOD THING -ALLY GOT A NAT 20 THEY BETTER BE RIGHT -fear. is. not. real. -this is just like the ending of moana -NO WAY BRENNAN I LOVE YOU (you wouldn't believe it from what i have said but it's true) -this is intense i'm about to cry -you're meeting god and you say "is it too early for this?" -LMAO 5'9" -Moral of the story: IDK and that's OK -ok ally make me cRy -HELL YEAH NEW SHIRT BABY -i'm so emotional -"well oBVIouslY cASsAndRa" i wish every deity had names as normal and human as cassandra -fuck them UP cassie -i love that tracker's just like "uh... babe?" -love having god in your corner -no more hangman puppy :((( -RIZTEN are the CUTEST i love them "i love all of them, riz the most, we know this" -"we still need the crown for our grade" FABIAN I LOVE YOU -"counselo- former counsel- i'm an assistant :(" why do y'all think this man is hot -KILL ARIANWEN -"she tried to hurt me in my shattered state?" "that's her MO" aww adaine my baby -HOLY SHIT PLEASE GIVE GILEAR ALL OF ARIANWEN'S MAGIC -GORGUG YOU SWEETHEART I LOVE YOU -cassandra throwing SHADE -ThE vANdS -aelwyn throwing SHADE -AWW RAGH I LOVE YOU BABY brennan lives another day -"a big bug gave me a riddle" that is NOT what happened -aww the hirelings are all crying and i DO NOT stan -hell YEAH cassandra OH I STOPPED KEEPING TRACK OF TIME IT'S BEEN OVER 4 HOURS -hELL YES HANGVAN -i love you fabian -nO IS CHUNGLE DOWN BIM REAL? -maybe the real chungle down bim is the friends we made along the way -GARTHY i love them -arthuR aGUEFORT - absolutely wild -ayda and arthur is crazy -"snOGGING THE HEADMASTER'S DAUGHTER ARE WE?" -awww that is so smooth fig "you don't need to make me the most magnificent creature because it seems you already have" -ARTHUR PULLS THROUGH -garthy is a cutie i love how they care so much for ayda -oH FUCK ME garthy is ayda's child from her previous life -"your girlfriend's daughter fucked your mom!" goddammit siobhan i can't handle this -if they fail i will cry -CHRONOMANCY!? absolutely fuck me -"professor principal headmaster aguefort" -hell yeah arthur you're killing it -faelwyn? absolutely can't handle it -aww kristen is baby -jawbone and sandra lynn are ok? amazing -jawbone is the best character -"our parents are great" kill me why don't you siobhan -AWWW FUCKING STOP BRENNAN WITH THESE GIFTS -i just cried he wants to adopt her -"you're easy to love" jawbone is fUCKING me up -LYDIA BARKROCK what a badass i love her already -"a pheonix whom everyone she touches is reborn better" fuck off emily -gorgug is a cutie <3 <3 -ABSOLUTELY KICK SKRANKS BIRD ASS -GORGUG CONFIRMED FUCKS -riz is a dork i love him -who knew "you're so much like your father" could make me feel like that -GILEAR IS MOVING THE FUCK IN BABY -GILEAR WITH SELF CONFIDENCE IS MY AESTHETIC -aww jawbone gave ayda autism books? jawbone is the sweetest to ayda cuz OF COURSE HE IS -AYDA GETS HER SPELL!!! -Ayda's Comprehend Subtext is the cutest spell ever -adaine and fig's friendship is too cute -craig has always been down for everything. i don't know craig but i love him -YES HOOT GROWL HOOT GROWL I'M SO PROUD OF RAGH -"BAD KIDS FOR LIFE" RAGH IS A CUTIE -NO FAELWYN IS REALLY HAPPENING I CAN'T -fabian's laugh is so cute -i love how nervous fabian is -WAIT FABIAN AND AELWYN ABSOLUTELY WILL FUCK? -fabian's gonna get his KISSES IN -aww i get how hyped figayda is but they are truly so adorable -weLL EMILY AXFORD I WILL LET YOU HURT ME LIKE THAT -they said i love you :((( -tracker only deserves the best -TRACKER'S GOING TO FALLINEL? I LOVE HER -ragh is going too? gay road trip! -that's adorable -ABSOLUTELY NOT BRENNAN FUCK OFF DO NOT SAY THE NIGHT YORB IS GONNA BE THE NEXT VILLAIN -BRENNAN NO YOU BITCH I HATE YOU THE NIGHT YORB IS THE VILLAIN OF JUNIOR YEAR? -that was crazy. i cried, i laughed. i am fuCKING HYPED FOR CROWN OF CANDY AND JUNIOR YEAR GANG!

[stenbrozier]

Ugly Floral Couch (Stanley Barber x Reader)

A/N: I am on my fifth time binging IANOWT, I love the show so much and I love Stanley Barber more then anything else in the world. I AM APART OF THE LGBT+ COMMUNITY!! I, IN NO WAY, AM TRYING TO HURT SOMEONE WITH A FEW OF THE WORDS IN THIS STORY!!! Also, another side note, I don’t know when this show is supposed to take place, so I’m just going to do some modern things as well. I hope no one minds :))

Plot: Stanley drives you home from school one day and invites you in, but you both don’t realize that his dad is home. {Takes place after the events of season one!!}

Warnings: SPOILERS (character backstory/persoanlities/WHAT HAPPENS IN THE LAST EPISODE), abuse, slurs (derogatory towards LGBT+) gets a lil steamy (making out + a bit of grabbing), weed smoking + swearing

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You stuffed your notebook into your backpack when the bell ring, running towards the door when you heard someone call your name. You turned away and saw Stanley Barber, your neighbor, running after you. You sighed, stopping and waiting for him. He had been one of your closest friends in elementary school, but ever since middle school, you had both drifted apart and didn’t speak as often as you once had; however, you would never purposely ignore the loud, nerdy boy with a mess of curly hair. Stan’s heart was so big, and you weren’t going to hate him for it like everyone else.

“M’lady, your chariot awaits,” he bowed when he got to your side. You rolled your eyes, walking a little ways down the hall to get to your locker. “How’ve you been? I never see you when we leave, and I know you always try to leave as soon as possible, but maybe you could start waiting for me?” You looked over at him from the side of your door and he had the brightest smile on his face.

“I’ll try, but I usually have to leave quick cause of work,” you replied quietly. “But I wouldn’t mind a ride in that beat up, piece of shit, yellow car.” He rolled his eyes, grabbing your hand once you shut your locker with a loud slam. “Plus, we need a good jam sesh.” Stan looked back at you and nodded.

“We haven’t had one in a while,” he said. “Maybe we can include a smoke sesh as well, darling.” You laughed at him, seeing his cheeks turn pink as he heard it. When you got to his car, you threw your backpack into the back and curled up in the passenger’s seat, tucking one of your legs under the other as you leaned towards the center console. “What time do you need to be at work?” Stan put three key in the ignition, turning it and you felt the car rumble underneath you.

“Lucky for you, I’m off today,” you said with a bright smile. His cheeks tinted pink again as he backed out of the parking spot, speeding down the street to your guys’ neighborhood. “Where’s the weed, Barber?” He nodded towards the center console and cleared his throat.

“It’s in the silver case, where it’s always been.” He stopped at the stop sign, watching as Sydney Novak ran down the street. He rolled down the window, screaming something out at her as you fiddled with the button to open the case. He sighed, rolling his eyes and continuing down the street. You looked at the steering wheel, seeing his knuckles turn white. You reached back into the center console, now with joint in hand, and grabbed the lighter that sat in there. You lit the joint, taking a puff before holding it in front of Stanley’s face. He winked at you, taking one for himself before sighing contendly.

“What’s up with her,” you asked quietly as he shrugged. “I mean, I know everyone is scared of her, especially after homecoming, but she doesn’t have to be a bitch.” He rolled his eyes, pulling the car to the side of the road and turning off the engine. You noticed you were in front of his house.

“No matter what I do for her, she finds someway to get pissed at me,” he said sadly. “I can’t believe I ever considered dating her.” You furrowed your eyebrows at him as you both got out of the car. You grabbed your backpack and followed him down his driveway.

“You know she’s a dyke, right,” you asked as he gave you a dirty look. “Okay, guess we’re still defending her.” You took another hit from the joint before Stanley took it and put it out in the front yard but not before he took one last hit.

“You don’t call people ‘dyke’, (Y/N), no matter how much they hurt you. That’s how Brad fucking died.” He pushed open his front door and let you go inside first. “Head down to my room, I’ll be there in a minute.” He closed the door, looking up and noticing his dad sitting on the couch upstairs. You stopped dead in your tracks, backing up a bit as he looked at you both.

“Hi, Mr. Barber,” you said softly, looking at Stanley, who tensed up. Stanley’s dad nodded at you, while Stanley lead you to his room but didn’t come down the steps with you. You sat down on his couch, noticing the embroidered flowers coming undone from years and years of wear. You sighed, tucking your legs into your chest and grabbing the book you had in your backpack. You could hear them fighting a little, not yelling per say, just bickering about something. You focused on your book, not wanting to hear them any longer. Suddenly, the door that lead into the basement slammed shut and Stanley bounded down the steps, sniffling. You looked up at him and gasped, noticing his left eye was puffy and starting to swell.

“What do you wanna listen to, darling,” he asked quietly, walking over to his collection of vinyls. You shrugged, going up behind him and leaning your head on his shoulder. He moved his arm up, letting you cuddle into his side. You knew that Stanley had liked to he comforted like this, with good physical attention. “How about some SWMRS?” You nodded against his shoulder, feeling his right arm reach for the vinyl. You detached yourself from him, going to sit down on the couch. You tucked your feet underneath you, feeling your shoe get caught on one of the undone flowers. You sighed, pulling your sneakers off, waiting for Stan to come sit next to you. When he did, you snuggled into his side, closing your eyes and feeling him sigh. After a few songs, you looked back up at his face, seeing his eye was starting to turn black and blue.

“Fuck, Stan,” you said, sitting up to get a better look at it. He shrugged, not wanting to draw too much attention to it. “Do you have any ice down here?” He nodded, pointing over the small mini fridge he has behind a table. You got up, hearing him whine softly from the loss of contact and grabbed a rag, filling it with a few pieces of ice before folding it up. You went up to him, instructing him to close his eye before you softly placed the rag on it. He looked at you with his open eye, noticing tears starting to well up in your eyes. He sighed, catching your attention.

“(Y/N) don’t cry,” Stanley said, taking your hand away from his eye. “It’s okay, I’ll be okay.” You sniffled, putting the ice down onto the couch next to him. “Come here.” He wrapped his arms around your waist, pulling you to him. You hugged him tight, crying softly into his shoulder. You sniffled again, trying to pull yourself together before you pushed away to look into his eyes.

“You don’t deserve to get treated like this,” you whispered softly, rubbing your thumb over the outskirts of the bruise. “You’re just so loving and...so lovable.” He shrugged, hugging your tighter.

“It happens to the best of us,” Stanley said. You shook your head. You looked back at his eye, going up close to look at the damage a bit better. You feel your heart facing in your chest and you notice him start to tense up, so you back away. You stood up, walking over to his vinyl collection silently, still feeling your heart race in your chest. You hear the creek of the couch as he stood up, and then feel his arms wrap around your shoulders. “Why’d you get up.” He whispered softly in your ear, sending chills down your body. You brushed your hand over your head, shrugging as you picked a vinyl off of the shelf to switch with SWMRS one: Bloodwitch. Stanley tucked his head into your neck, and when you felt him smile, you flinched a bit. You and Stan were both very touchy people, showing that you care through physical touch, but he had never done that before. You pried yourself away from him, clearing your throat before switching the records. Stanley sighed, following you. When the first chord of the song started to play, you started to dance around and Stanley gave in and joined you. You guys jumped around and screamed the lyrics, not caring what his dad was going to say anymore. After the first side of the album, Stanley flipped it over and just stared at you as you continued to dance.

“‘Fill my soul with light, my heart with fire,’” you sang as you spun in circles. You lost balance, and Stanley ran up behind you and caught you, turning you in his arms so your chest was pressed against his. You started laughing, burying your face into his chest as you felt his arms wrap around you protectively. You pulled away, still getting over your giggle fit as you looked him in the eyes. The single light above you both made them sparkle, drawing you in. You stood on your tiptoes and held his face in your hands, bringing it down to meet your lips. Suddenly, you realized you were kissing your childhood best friend and pushed yourself away. You stammered, profusely apologizing as you walked over to grab your things.

“Stanley, I’m so sorry,” you said, rubbing your hand over your face. “I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry if I stepped over any boundaries and, oh my god, I really hope I didn’t ruin anything between us because I’d still love to be your friend and” He cut you off by slamming his lips against yours again. He pulled away, running his hand down your back with a small smile in his face.

“I’ve been waiting for ten fucking years to kiss me,” he said quietly, rubbing circles into your lower back. “Don’t tell me you didn’t mean it.” He looked down at his feet, looking back up at you with sadness in his eyes but still trying to keep the smile there.

“Of course I meant it, I-I just didn’t wanna overstep,” you said softly back. “Y-you liked it?” Stanley nodded and leant back in. You closed your eyes, feeling his lips connect to yours. You wrapped your arms around his neck, fiddling with the small curls at the nape of his neck. He pulled your hips closer to his, muttering a groan at the feeling of you so close to him. Stanley started walking forwards, which made you stumble backwards and onto the couch. He pulled away, sitting down before pulling you down onto his lap and attaching your lips together again. You moaned against him, feeling him hike you up further on to his lap by your thighs. Stan’s hands moved up to your ass and he squeezed it, hard, causing a gasp to leave your mouth, and his tongue made its way into it. After a few minutes of this, you pulled away, gasping for breath. He moved his arms back to your waist and pulled you impossibly closer to him, sticking his head into your neck and leaving little kisses. You ran your fingers through his hair, leaving soft kisses in the curls.

“Does this mean you’re my girl,” Stanley said, pulling his head up to look into your eyes. You blushed, seeing him smile at the innocent reaction. “I would really, really, really love it if you were my girl.”

“And I would really, really, really love to be your girl,” you said back, climbing off of his lap and walking back over to the record player. You saw your favorite album, Three Imaginary Boys by The Cure, sitting on the shelf and you gasped. “I’ve been looking for this for ages! Where’d you find it?” He rolled his eyes, getting up to stand behind you with his hands loosley on your waist.

“I found it the thrift shop on Reed,” he said with a chuckle. “I was actually going to give it to you for your birthday, but I ended up keeping it because it reminded me of you and we hadn’t been talking so...” Stanley wrapped his arms around your waist. “But now that you’re my girl, you can listen to it whenever you want. So, no harm, no foul.” You laughed, turning around in his arms to kiss him quickly on the nose.

“Well whenever I’m here this is all we’ll be listening to.” He shrugged, a small smirk coming onto his face.

“At least it’s with you.”

[ciarawritesmarvel]

afterglow - steve rogers x reader

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Reader

Word Count: 1.5k (if I round up)

Warnings: Some angst, which I know you don’t particularly expect from me, but it quickly dissolves into fluff 

A/N: Finally! Here it is, my entry for the wonderful @peaky-shelby‘s gorgeous A Lover’s Challenge. I listened to the song as I wrote this and hope it seems sufficiently inspired by it, the actual song was a little too angsty and I couldn’t bring myself to leave it like that, not when the album itself is so hopeful. Ioanna, I hope you like it lovely, and thank you for allowing me to join your challenge! Without further ado...

masterlist in my bio and tags in the reblog! please drop me an ask to be added to any tag lists!

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“Fighting with a true love is boxing with no gloves Chemistry 'til it blows up, 'til there's no us”

“Why are you doing this?”

The words hit you square in the chest, a force that makes you want to step backwards, take the space that would give you and use it to think calmly, think rationally.

You do none of this.

“Why am I doing this? You’re the one who’s done this, Steve, not me,” you bite back, words laced with a venom you don’t quite understand. All your heart is doing is screaming at you to stop, to cross the room and fall into two strong arms that you know would catch you. If you look at them, you can almost feel their grip around you, warm and strong and safe and-

Your head stops you. Puts your heart back in its place. You glare at Steve as you wait for an answer.

“But I’ve not done anything, sweetheart!” he was exasperated now, that much was clear, his previous softer tone that had been an attempt to calm you done replaced by hurt words and arms thrown in the air.

“Well if you think that, then this whole conversation is useless.”

It was the only thing you could say. Because Steve had done absolutely nothing wrong and you had no idea what the hell you were doing and why you felt like you had no control over what you were saying right now. It was a wonder you hadn’t started crying yet.

“Y/N,” he was back to that soothing tone again as he stepped towards you and you thanked everything within you for not moving away, “You gotta talk to me right now, because you’re really scaring me. Did something happen?”

What could you say? Yes, Steve, I realised for the first time that I was in love with you and started thinking about what that meant for us and now in a desperate attempt not to get hurt yet again I’m sabotaging everything we have.

“You happened,” you rebuked harshly, “And I’m not sure I wanted you to. This is all moving too fast, Steve.”

He looked pained for a moment before he nodded, lips pressed tightly together and of course he did, because he was too damn understanding at the best of times. You’d should’ve known he’d be too damn understanding in the worst of them too.

“Okay, I get it. I’m sorry. We can go slower,” he suggested and you didn’t miss the desperate note in his voice. Just as your heart was about to take back the reins and jump on him, you opened your mouth.

“Or we can just stop. You’re too much, Steve.”

His face fell. And you felt like you’d just been punched in the stomach. He’d told you multiple times that he worried he was too full on too quickly in your relationship, but that it was only because he was all in. You’d told him you were all in too. Reassured him.

Now you’d taken his heart from your top pocket and thrown it carelessly over your shoulder. It hurt you more than you could’ve anticipated, watching him stare at you like that, knowing just how much he was hurting right now. You didn’t want this.

“Right,” he mumbled, grabbing his coat from your bed where he’d thrown it when he arrived. You thought haphazardly about the fact that maybe if he’d arrived just thirty minutes later when you’d calmed down about the worries of giving him your heart, then maybe none of this would’ve happened.

You could’ve let him in and given him your heart with shaky hands and an unsure smile and he would’ve put it in his own top pocket, tapped it twice for safekeeping and you could have a wonderful night of music and chatter and absentminded touches.

Oh how you dreamt of those absentminded touches.

But it had happened and before you had time to comprehend anything or your heart had time to catch up, your stupid paranoid head had done the necessary damage and Steve had slammed the door behind him on his way out.

You didn’t bother to follow him. Instead you sat down on your bed and willed the tears to come. They refused to allow you any reprieve by falling, however, and you guessed that your heart might have been just slightly angry with you.

Throwing away the only true love you’d ever had wasn’t on the agenda for tonight.

You didn’t know how long you sat there, hands trembling as you picked at your nails, legs feeling numb to movement, head bowed as thoughts drifted in and out of your head. Lashing out was a defence mechanism you hated and yet it was the one you had been stuck with. If you stopped this now, then it would hurt but then it would stop and you would move on.

Right now, it felt like your head had done some miscalculations on how much this would hurt.

It was only when the word mistake was flashing in bright white font in your mind that you heard a muffled voice behind your door and then suddenly Steve was in your room again.

Stupid F.R.I.D.A.Y. Always acting in your best interests.

“Okay,” Steve said, no greeting or anything, and in a way you were glad, because it was clear he was expecting nothing back from you at this moment. You stayed in your position, but with your head raised and wild eyes locked onto his, “I know why you’re doing this. You’re scared. I get it. The past you’ve had, how could you not be?”

Flashes of white rooms and lab coats. Shiny metal and the taste of blood. You blinked. They’d really done a number on you.

“Steve-”

“No. My turn,” he said forcefully but with a kind edge that stopped you from biting back and let you listen, “HYDRA ruined your life. I get it, Y/N. They ruined mine too. But you have a chance now, a real chance, to get some of that life back. With me. If you want it.”

The lump in your throat was large and unforgiving and you were finding it hard to breathe. He was talking in broken sentences, struggling to find the words that he thought might change things, but seeming to find the perfect ones anyway. He was so perfect and he had no idea how exhausting it was.

“It’s okay if you don’t,” he continued, and you realised at some point you were going to have to say something or he’d simply continue forever, “Want that with me, I mean. I just- I think you do. And you won’t let yourself. But you should.”

You kept looking at him, not saying anything, but he could see your gaze softening with each word he said and he risked a step closer, knowing this would use up all his risks and doing it anyway.

When he crouched down and took your hands in his, he cooled them instantly. His were cold and icy, engulfing your too hot, too clammy hands in a basket of ice. All there had been at HYDRA was heat and fire and burning. And the last time you had given your heart to someone, they had burnt that too.

Sometimes you forgot just how cold Steve’s hands were.

His thumb ran well-worn lines into your knuckles. Absentminded touches. He pushed up from crouching to press a known kiss into your forehead before he returned to looking at you. Your eyes were closed. A few tears clumping your lashes, one escaping down the curve of your nose.

And you were concentrating. Really, truly concentrating. Because you wanted to say it. To make sure he knew now, because if he knew now then whatever might happen next or after that could be dealt with, could be moved on with. You wanted to say it.

“I-”

But no. The words got caught in that damn lump in your throat, and it wouldn’t let them past. And whilst this war raged on, a war you expected to last quite some time, you snuck some smaller, less weighty words past the lump and said those instead, hoping that for now they’d be enough, that they’d be enough to win the battle if not the war itself.

“I’ll try.”

Two words that meant nothing out of context but everything within this bubble. Steve finally smiled and you finally opened your eyes. The look on his face told that it was enough. That for now, that was all that was needed.

And though you knew there was still a war to win, you smiled too at the little victory.

[jamestaylorswift]

You're so mind-blowingly brilliant -- your posts never cease to make my day! I don't even have a tumblr account, but I check your page at least ten times/day, hoping for a new analysis. Reading your essay on "folklore"'s dreamscape felt like an acid trip in the best possible way. Please share your thoughts on the original "Cardigan" lyrics ASAP!

Thanks, anon! You’ve got me blushing like a damn fool over here 😊 You’re always welcome on this blog, lurking or otherwise!

Okay so this is more a line of reasoning that starts at the OG “cardigan,” not just lyric analysis. I’m not exactly sure how to organize all these thoughts so I’m just going to put them in the order that they came. Apologies if this is a mess. (And under a cut because I can’t shut up lmao)

To me, the OG “cardigan” is the antithesis of the song as we now know it. That got me thinking about how the core of the album might have been much different too.

The album-making process started with “my tears ricochet.” (I believe this song is from Karlie’s point of view, per the notes in the dreamscape essay.) I’m assuming Taylor didn’t edit this song much. She has implied in the past that a song is “written” when it takes musical form (i.e. lyrics literally get put to a track). The idea of a dead lover is also extremely compelling. She made “cardigan,” “seven,” and “peace” next.

It’s likely that these four songs represent folklore’s original ideological pillars. The common thread of Aaron’s three songs (both versions of “cardigan”) is the idea of age or maturity. “peace” and “seven” are age-related endpoints and “cardigan” is a midway point. “my tears ricochet” happens to be an endpoint (i.e. dying, as opposed to reaching an adult maturity).

From these songs, I extrapolate that Taylor wanted to explore emotional growth specifically by addressing Peter Pan and Wendy’s philosophical disagreement. (Also…veer off into gay childhood trauma.) “peace” is about the strongest argument anyone could make in favor of Wendy—growing up is necessary, especially in order to love and treat someone properly. (This song even argues for mutual maturity/understanding.) “my tears ricochet” is the fallout if two people end up fighting with each other, not for each other. OG “cardigan” comes down on Peter’s side—if given the choice to preserve youth or yield to age, one should prefer the former. The album was to transform an endorsement of Peter into an endorsement of Wendy.

The three songs done with Aaron were likely written to appear in the order they do today: “cardigan” as exposition, then “seven,” then “peace.” Observe that to chart a course hitting all four songs, Taylor has to align OG “cardigan” with “my tears ricochet.” “seven” can stand on its own, provided she pads it with enough storytelling. “peace” and “my tears ricochet” cannot both be endpoints of the story, especially because they are at odds with each other. The mutual understanding in “peace” is not at all consistent with the hatred and sadness in “my tears ricochet.” Thus, the track list requires the partial ordering of OG “cardigan,” then “my tears ricochet,” then (much later) “peace.”

Let’s talk about OG “cardigan.” The first verse paints the potrait of Karlie. “Vintage tee, brand new phone // high heels on cobblestones // when you are young they assume you know nothing” alludes to the glamor of modeling, plus its stereotype as the profession of being young, dumb, and beautiful. “Livin’ in a gold age // sneakin’ to my bird cage” reintroduces the tension of reputation, youth and freedom at odds with oppressive forces. “Laughin’ like a damn fool // breakin’ every damn rule” contrasts the characterization of Karlie in the verse. She instead has a marvelous time being hot, smart, and moderately evil. Through this contrast, Taylor suggests that the power of youth is the freedom to choose to ignore very serious problems (pseudo-escapism?). The OG outro full of zingers is Taylor’s perspective as someone who gets burned by the freedom of choice. Young Karlie leaves young Taylor because the high of reputation-era antics wears off. Then, old Taylor, still affected by this loss, also loses her mind in a reverse-“Don’t Blame Me” kinda way.

Word choice, to me, suggests that “cardigan” was originally conceived not as the Breakup Song of the Cenozoic Era but a narrative partner of “illicit affairs.” Karlie and Taylor are on the same team in OG “cardigan.” They have a marvelous time being hot, smart, and moderately evil and breaking all the damn rules together. “You know damn well // for you I would ruin myself” gets spit back in Taylor’s face and is that much more impactful. 

Karlie is justified in leaving because the moment dies. This phrase describes a relationship that mutually and/or slowly dwindles. Karlie makes a decision to leave and save herself, and indeed makes the better choice because she retains her wild and her sanity. Hence, Peter wins the argument.

It’s unclear when “exile” was written, but I think it was early on in the process because Taylor added bird noises to it. “exile” plus OG “cardigan”/“illicit affairs” illustrates two joint affairs, such as double bearding. Pronoun issues with the second verse of “cardigan” aside, Karlie’s eventual downfall (i.e. the emotional end of “illicit affairs”) is implied to be a result of Taylor…also cheating? Maybe it’s the whole Friends “we were on a break” thing. (IDK, I’ve never actually seen Friends.)

OG “cardigan,” “illicit affairs,” and “exile” were once closely affiliated. More pertinently, by the partial ordering, “illicit affairs” and “exile” were meant to explain how OG “cardigan” connects to “my tears ricochet.” Karlie leaves Taylor during their illicit affair; the affair ruins Karlie; Karlie dies and Taylor shows up at the funeral because she’s pissed; Karlie becomes a vengeful ghost and Taylor is also emotionally ruined forever. Scene.

But these are not the connections that Taylor put out into the world. Obviously we can never know precisely why. One thing that does stick out to me, though, is how hard it is to turn around and align with Wendy given the illicit affair narrative.

In “peace,” Taylor shows her own maturity by acknowledging that she was cowardly and dishonorable. For what? Karlie left her in OG “cardigan,” not the other way around. Taylor runs away with someone else in “exile” (“him”), ostensibly to enjoy a more stable relationship. Her playing the role of the angry funeralgoer in “my tears ricochet” is perfectly reasonable. Taylor was promised love and Karlie didn’t give her what she needed, so she moved on. Therefore, we should conclude that maturity is really…hanging onto someone who doesn’t stay? Having the courage to stay in an incredibly tenuous affair? Apparently, one also must be cheated on in order to mature. These are all strange conclusions.

Taylor illustrates Karlie’s maturity with a monologue of numerous promises—of pretty much everything except peace itself. The illicit affair narrative does strongly support the argument that maturity is learning how to stay true to one’s word. Yet its logical beginning is that one must cheat on another—plus be unfaithful to the person they are cheating with—in order to mature. (Karlie gets burned by the freedom of choice only when she later faces the consequences of the affair.) Also strange.

The illicit affair narrative as a primary emotional catalyst of the album generates even bigger inconsistencies.

“august” both humanizes the person cheated with and leaves them worse off than the cheater. “my tears ricochet” emphasizes the opposite: the one cheated with stays alive and becomes a very ugly person, but the cheater dies.

Arguably, both people should have anticipated the fallout of the (implied to be years-long) affair. “my tears ricochet” is internally inconsistent. “I didn’t have it in myself to go with grace” suggests Karlie died an unfortunate or unforeseen death, not an inevitable one. “You turned into your worst fears” suggests Taylor turned around and became a cheater too.

“invisible string” can support the argument that Taylor and Karlie were always bound to get back together after a breakup. Morally dubious underwriting of the initial affair notwithstanding, this song contradicts “mad woman.” Taylor wrote “mad woman” song shortly after “peace;” in it, she is staunchly against cheating. (She avoids morally dubious underwriting of illicit activity on the album by axing the OG “cardigan”/“illicit affairs”/“exile” narrative, then condemning cheating and seducing in “mad woman” and “illicit affairs,” respectively.)

Again, it is impossible to know when, why, or even exactly how the narrative of the album changed as Taylor was writing it. The dramatization I’ve provided of inconsistencies piling up is only one plausible explanation—and a convoluted one at that—for a change of artistic heart. Whatever the reason, I think it is significant that Taylor performed a volte face to never argue in favor of Peter in the first place.

The album version of “cardigan,” and indeed the entire love triangle, supports Wendy’s side of the argument. “cardigan” shows that James and Betty’s relationship was vibrant, joyous, thrilling, and tender, but above all, perfect. The tone of the song helps Taylor denounce James’ choice to leave Betty as cruel and unnecessary. It is James’ fault for leaving once the “thrill expired,” not Betty’s fault for believing James would stay after the honeymoon phase. “betty” reinforces James’ characterization as the ignorant fool too. Because the album necessarily pigeonholes the leaver in the role of the coward, Wendy wins the argument on the grounds of moral fiber.

(James technically ‘wins’ in “august” because the titular character is left devastated and alone. August embodies youth through hope and yearning. James’ lack of conviction kills that hope. Thus, youthful traits are always collateral damage of the entire maturing process. And, the narrative that pits the characters against each other ends with James, regarded as the paradigm youth, losing the most.)

Perhaps this is the best justification for the existence of the teenage love triangle. Introducing characters who are maturing in various ways still allows Taylor to explore emotional growth. Three separate but fixed perspectives act as a proxy for one person’s changing perspective. By aligning herself with each character at a different time in their life, she shows that maturity (e.g. realism, reliability, patience, etc.) always gives one the upper hand.

The love triangle’s main purpose is to illustrate the philosophy that permeates the rest of the album. folklore as we know it is Taylor’s memorial to all the things lost to youth. Maturity would have prevented so many losses. At the same time, it is impossible to mature without first being youthful, making mistakes, and feeling lost while doing so. This is Taylor’s singular but melancholic endorsement of Wendy. How sad, valuable, and necessary, she says of growing up.

Lest my point be misinterpreted as ‘we can confidently reverse-engineer Taylor’s artistic process,’ here are my main takeaways from the “cardigan” changes:

OG “cardigan” is sad and we should appreciate it as such. “I knew to love would be to lose my mind?” Please.

“cardigan,” as a midway point with respect to age, is the only ideologically ‘variable’ song of the original quartet. Furthermore, by placement and construction, “cardigan” is/was intended to be expository. Changing “cardigan” changes the course she charts through the album. Taking sadness out of one song and spreading it over a storytelling album really changes the meaning of that sadness.

Of the eponymous characters, it’s worth noting that Taylor is James, the leaver, whereas she is left in the OG “cardigan.” It’s utterly fascinating that Taylor chooses to embody ‘hanging on to youth’ angle. What we assume is a very deep, primal feeling is one she overemphasizes for narrative purposes. Consequently, dismissing the love triangle as (fix-it) fiction requires dismissing Taylor’s attachment to youth—being Peter. To that end, we might also need to dismiss the infamous “I never grew up, it’s getting so old” line from “The Archer.” Many others, too…

Red herring though it may be, the love triangle alters folklore’s underlying philosophy, hence the very essence of its melancholy. It seems rather unwise to ignore the love triangle or to reduce it to a cheesy storytelling device. Recognizing that Taylor endorses Wendy and only Wendy is, in my opinion, crucial for clarifying other nebulous ideas in folklore. (I know I sound like a broken record, but I really do think abstraction in the music requires abstraction in analysis. It’s really easy to fall into the habit of tying specific lyrics to people or events. Personally, I find richer and deeper connections by actively working against that habit. I’m not saying this is the only way to do analysis—on the contrary, I think all analysis is correct because it’s all subjective. Rather, I think people overlook the value of occasional abstraction, much to my distress. folklore analysis even seems to demand abstraction. Sue me for believing that things like the underlying philosophy of an album are important, I guess?)

Would you believe that there’s more to this change than what I’ve argued? I’m weary that this is answer is already not what you wanted, so I won’t bang on and quadruple its length. In conclusion: the Implications.