#daily art messed up my sleeping schedule a little

[reszka]

[bornagainmurdock]

read my hands/read my mind

author's note: y'all ever had to finger spell directly into someones hands to communicate? nothing quite like it! also disclaimer, this is just one hoh voice and experience, and not universal for everyone that is deaf/hoh.

contents: fluff, matt murdock x reader, gender neutral reader, deaf/hoh reader & uses sign language while talking, sushi and a movie date night with matt

word count: 1.7k

Matt had started learning ASL quite early in your relationship, trying to find as many resources he could that catered to blind learners. You both knew it was a bit ironic that you were hard of hearing and Matt was blind, the major form of communication for one person was a struggle for the other. It made things interesting, and ultimately an interesting daily challenge.

Some days your hearing was better than others, and some days your hearing aids seemed pointless. Today was one of those days. You couldn't hear much, if anything at all, everything was unclear and wobbly, unstable and unmanageable. The first tell being waking up to Matt shaking you, mouth moving but no sound.

Matt kept his hands on your back, shaking you still when you opened your eyes and rubbed the sleep out of them. He was still talking, but to no avail.

Lipreading was an art and a science, and Matt unfortunatley in the morning was a mess of words, most of them slurred with sleepiness. The most you got from him was every other word. Something about him thinking you were awake when he got out of bed to find you still sleeping when he was doing the final touches.

And then he mouthed, 'oh you can't hear today.' He nodded and pointed at the side table where your hearing aids were charging. He waited for you to put your hands in his and sign. Sometimes your voice was reliable, but it was too early and silence filled your throat.

You put your hand against his and signed 'no' before throwing the covers off your body and sitting up.

Matt wasn't the greatest at sign, but could finger spell and have basic converstion. Once you stood, sliding on your slippers and making your way to the closet to find clothes for work, he waved to get your attention, pointing then to the kitchen and signing 'food' with his eyebrows down.

You hummed in affirmation, doing your best to wake up your vocal chords.

Matt smiled, signed 'i love you,' and left the room for you to get ready.

You could smell breakfast being cooked in the other room, unable to hear the sizzling of the skillet or plop of orange juice into a glass.

You put your clothes on, settling on something basic and casual to stay comfortable at work, before grabbing a pair of oxfords and sitting on the edge of the bed to tie them.

Matt returned to the bedroom doorway and waved again, waiting for you to look up at him and confirm attention verbally.

"Hmm." You looked up and whispered, "Matty?"

"Hi love," He signed as he spoke, hoping maybe your brain and ears needed to just adjust to being awake, "Breakfast is ready. Eat with me?"

You hummed again, standing up to join him, grabbing his arm to walk.

"Matty, looks so good." You voice sounded distant and un-resonant, having to trust your voice over your hearing to confirm you were making any sound.

"Let's eat" Matt signed and spoke, raising a glass to cheers.

When you both finished breakfast, Matty wrote down his plans for hte day on the dry erase calender in the kitchen. You wrote your own schedule, and once you had both reviewed, you confirmed dinner plans.

'See you later, baby' Matt signed, handing you your keys and bag before opening the door for you to walk together.

'Love you Matt.'

'Love you.'

Work went about as good as it could when you couldn't hear, most people opting to send you emails or write on the notepad you kept on your desk for days like these.

Eventually sounds came back to you, just a little bit, but making everything more tolerable and clearer. You hadn't brought your hearing aids thinking it wouldn't get much better throughout the day, which probably wasn't the brightest idea, but the decision you made regardless. As the clocks moved closer and closer to 5pm, you became impatient, unable to sit still, packing your bag far too early and having to look busy for about 10 minutes.

One of your coworkers, Alex, walked to your office, waving to catch you attention and started signing about office gossip they'd heard throughotu the day that you hadn't been privy to yet. Almsot no one knew ASL at work, and this was one of the moments where that was a good thing.

Once you both had finished the conversation, you signed goodbye to Alex, and made your way down the elevator and out the lobby, waving goodbye to the desk staff there.

Once you had gotten home, you unpacked your bag, put on clothes for dinner with Matt, and placed the hearing aids around your ears, turning them on and using a YouTube video as a sound base to adjust the volume levels correctly. You sat down on the couch and scrolled through Twitter for a while.

Matt got home not long after you did, opening the door and unpacking his bag once he walked around the entry way to the dining table.

You turned back to look at him, Matt immediatly lighting up with a smile.

He signed the beginning of his sentence before realizing he could hear the buzzing of your hearing aids.

"Better than this morning?" He loosened his tie and unbuttoned the top button of his shirt.

"Mmhm. Not a lot, but enough to wear them. Still fuzzy and muddled together but working through it." You signed as you spoke, both out of habit and as a method of confort even though Matt couldn't see it. "Missed your voice."

Matt appraoched you on the couch, sitting next to you to pull you into his chest carefully, holding you to him.

"Well then I should keep talking, hmm?" He was leaned in, mouth near your ears to make sure you could hear the nuances in his voice. He started kissing there under your ear and across your jaw.

"Keep it in your pants, tiger. We got dinner plans." You placed your hands in his to sign, trying to be slow enough for him to keep up.

"Let me get dressed and then we can go." He signed back into your hands, speaking as well.

He got up to change, leaving you on the couch happy and buzzed with affection.

When he emerged out of the bedroom, you took his hands and grabbed your bag to leave.

"Sushi still okay? That place on the corner is doing happy hour right now." Matt said grabbing his cane.

"Yes, please."

He led you out of the apartment building, taking your arm to look like you were guiding him.

"Just one more block, left at the light." He pointed ahead, signing key words to help you in the sound nightmare of NYC.

Once you got to the restaurant, Matt asked for a table a bit isolated to give you a better chance at focusing on his voice and not distracted by the cities distorition.

Once they sat you, the waiter came by with cucumber waters, giving you a minute to look over the menus.

"What're you thinking, baby?" Matt felt your body become overwhelmed, heart pounding. "Tell me what you want and I can order when they come back."

"Cali roll with crab, eggplant roll, hmmm, edamame, and maybe the fried tofu." You pointed as you spoke hoping it would help you remain focused.

'Drink?'

"Lemonade, please."

'Got it.' Matt signed, taking a moment to put it all to memory.

The waiter came back and Matt ordered for both of you with ease, looking over at you ever other word to make sure you were still okay.

"Sounds good. We'll have that right out." The waiter said, closing their notebook and walking away.

'How was work?' You signed and spoke to Matt, your hands in his again.

"Foggy and I goofed the whole day to Karen's dismay. I think she's sick of us." He said, laughing.

'People at work were kind to me today but I just think they feel bad for me. Alex told me the office gossip. Boring day.'

"Good thing we're here then."

The food was brought out pretty quickly, you and Matt eating everything without a word.

He payed the check and smiled. 'Home?'

'Home.'

You walked back together, Matt signing stories the whole way home with one hand while the other held onto your upper arm.

When he opened the door you about collapsed, exhausted from the day.

He half-carried you to the bedroom, supporting most of your weight.

'Let's get these off you.' He signed, reaching for your hearing aids waiting for confirmation to remove them.

Once you nodded he gently unwrapped them from around your ears, placing them in the case and making sure they charged by listening for the hum of the battery working.

You were slumped on the bed still, itching to get out of the clothes you had on.

'Too much. Hearing Fatigued?' Matt said working at the buttons of his shirt to start getting undressed. 'Help you?'

You signed, with a verbal yes, sitting up for Matt to start stripping you.

'Movie? Couch?'

"Yes, and yes."

He hung up both sets of y'alls clothes and grabbed two of his oversized shirts, one for him and one for you.

Matt reached a hand out for you to grab, helping move you to the couch. He grabbed the remote, scrolling through options.

'New or usual?'

Matt had messed with the TV settings so the sound was audio descriptions of each scene, and the text was captions for you to read.

"Usual."

Nights like this felt simple, even with all the complications. Matt would sign, you would speak. It was nice. It felt like being safe.

He sorted through your favorite movies in his head, eventually spelling out a few names. 'Crimson Peak? Shrek? Train to Busan?'

"Those are silly options."

'American Psycho?'

"That sounds good to me."

'Start?'

"Mmhm."

Matt hit the speak button on the remote, pulling up the movie and starting it with ease.

You leaned into his body, cuddling into his side, looking up at his face.

"I love you."

'Love you.'

[salamanderinspace]

So tests came back and I do have "mild" sleep apnea, doc says, which apparently means I stop breathing 15 times per hour, and my pulseox goes down to 86. This all sounds pretty bad to me but I've been assured it's mild. At some point the cpap people are going to call me; I guess I get a free trial of the thing for 90 days. I'm pretty pleased about that.

I've been keeping busy this week, working a lot. I've gone to some museums and galleries, talked a lot, made connections. I have a show with my work opening Saturday night here, downtown. I'm making new work too, pretty furiously. It turns out I function very differently when there are not five dog walks and two dog feedings and constant dog "pay attention to me mommy" all day long. At first there was a sort of euphoria as the weight of all that came off my shoulders. Of course I do miss her. I cried so much when she passed that my electrolytes got all messed up and I had a seizure. I'm kind of expecting changes, health-wise, since my daily schedule is so different now. I can really get immersed in work. I can eat a big meal and then sit a few minutes without having to rush off and do the dog. I worry about losing any strength conditioning or fitness I might've gained from walking her, so I've added in more exercises. Overall though my attention span feels so much stronger than it was, now that I can actually make my own plans and do them without being responsible for a very social creature. And the cat is there when I want someone to fuss over.

And husband of course. He's a brick. There are many ways we make good partners. There is only one little piece of me that doesn't quite fit with him, that he doesn't particular want or need anyway. About a month ago I wrested that piece of me away from a place it has not been safe. I don't know if anything is changed, really. I don't like to write about her here because I know she reads this blog sometimes--seems tacky--but I write my feelings here for a reason. I like having a record. It makes things feel more solid. It makes me less alone with everything. And it being all in one place, organized, is helpful. Often I write things elsewhere and then find them, months later, completely having forgotten about them. Not this blog though.

One of the main diagnostic criteria of autism is adhering to rigid routines or repetitive thought patterns. This is not something I associate with me. I love adventure and change and challenge and pizzazz and variety and novelty. I need everyday to be different--I don't even like to eat the same foods. But with relationships, they sort of sink into me and stain deep. Maybe the impetus to write fanfiction comes from that same, "I'm not done with this yet" sort of feeling. Maybe it's a reluctance to trust something new. Most people don't let the deepest part of themselves adhere to just anything, just anyone… I feel like I pick people who are sometimes nice and sometimes mean. Complex. Disorganized. Skeptical. Intense. And overtime the niceness drains away as they come to understand and process who I really am. (just some guy.) (Just a lady.) (Pretty good at art and creative stuff.) (Incurably American.) (Paranoid millennial.) (Used to have a dog.) (Interested in science and politics.) (Chronically ill.) (Sleepy, but maybe that will change when they put the machine on my face.)

[minsarasarahair]

I don't know if I can make this a gifset so I'll just write here LouZuo's line comparison from early episodes vs later episodes. I love it when the narrative repeats what was mentioned in the beginning for the ending to show the growth of the characters.

Choice - Learning to make a choice for yourself Lou Zhu: "Your background doesn't determine your future. Zuo Dao is Zuo Dao. Zuo Yunqi is Zuo Yunqi. They are different people. It isn't easy for him to distinguish what right and wrong in such young age. Everyone has the right to make a choice for themselves." ZYQ: "My whole life has been beyond my control since the day I was born. You said everyone has the right to make a choice for themselves. This is the first time I heard it. If my death could make up for the wrongdoings of my father then let me bear the cost. Lou Zhu, thank you." (S1 Ep 1)

ZYQ: "The world won't be destroyed. I hope all of the poisons in the world, including you, can be cured. I'm not your clone. I just want to live my life my own way. You may regard me as a hypocrite but if a group of people abide by their principles, isn't that a proof of hope? Its easy to make things worse but its hard to get back peace. It doesn't matter if I'm smart or stupid, I only know I contributed a little to that peace. Even if I'm gone, there will be thousand of people who will make the same choice as me." (S2 Ep 22)

Interview - Story starts and ends with ZYQ's interview Lou Zhu: "To interview you, is it? Tell me. How did you transmigrated?" (S1 Ep 1) Secretary: "The Da Liang Daily scheduled an interview with you to talk about the successful experience of the sect's transformation." ZYQ: "Ok. Add that to my schedule." (S2 Ep 24)

Be a businessman - Lou Zhu's suggestion became real Lou Zhu: "I request His Majesty to send you to the medicine farm at suburbs. Do some business like me." (S1 Ep 2) "Its not difficult for instant success, I did this one this he said. Zuo Yunqi is something. What's the experience of being the head of royal treasury? According to ZYQ, he did this one thing. Pay for full text." About Jewelry Appraisal ZYQ (S1 Ep 2)

[ZYQ, Nutritionist expert partnered with Da Liang] (S2 Ep 24)

Carefree life - A good balance in life matters Lou Zhu: "Live freely everyday." ZYQ: "Not everyone can be carefree like you." Lou Zhu: "You're right. The handsome one is called living freely while the ugly one is called lazy." (S1 Ep 2)

ZYQ: "Being carefree is good enough." Lou Zhu: "Being carefree doesn't mean having no concerns. If I encounter something interesting, I'll write to you." (S2 Ep 24)

Naihe incense - a small item became the medicine to their big problem ZYQ: "The small one is not enough for medicine but adequate as incense. Naihe incense is a martial arts gem. It's coveted by many. I'm giving it to you to make up for what happened." (S1 Ep 3)

ZYQ: "Where is the thing I asked you to keep for me when we first met? Fortunately, I went back to Pangmen. The Naihe incense might come in handy. " (S2 Ep 22)

Guard - His bodyguard for the rest of his life ZYQ: "What do you want me to do?" Lou Zhu: "If you can't pay, sell yourself. After the incident with Wulin, the guards all ran off. Gosh, it's been a mess lately. I haven't been sleeping well. I feel not secured. Why don't you-?" (S1 Ep 3)

Lou Zhu: "Why are you here? This has nothing to do with you." ZYQ: "Really? I'm your bodyguard. I should protect you." (S1 Ep 11) ZYQ: "I am arrogant and always obsessed in perfection. So I always hesitate and regret. I am a fool who makes a mountain out of molehill and always need your enlightening. I'm not a good bodyguard. I'll change." (S2 Ep 7)

Lou Zhu: "I'll help you realize your dreams." ZYQ: "Forget it. Without me, how can you survive on your own?" (S2 Ep 12)

Consultation - ZYQ opening up with Lou Zhu Lou Zhu: "Your father wants to hone his martial arts and you don't?" ZYQ: "Yes." Lou Zhu: "Hand it over to you father then! Why did you even come here?" ZYQ: "My father is obsessed in Naihe incense. If he really gets it, I wonder what will happen to him." (S1 Ep 2) ZYQ: "I am a fool who makes a mountain out of molehill and always need your enlightening." Lou Zhu: "If me being shot could help you become enlightened, I think I'd better get more shots." (S2 Ep 7) ZYQ: "And if I encounter difficulties, can I write to you to ask for advice?" Lou Zhu: "Are you planning to rely on me for the rest of your life?" (S2 Ep 24)

Secretary: "There's a costumer who's waiting at outside of main gate for consultation." (S2 Ep 24)

Lou Zhu's life goal - He destroyed his neutral mindset & cowardice Lou Zhu: "A lifetime of peace, my foot! Darn it! Why do I keep getting bombarded by problems of all sorts? Why is my life so hard? Considering my looks... and intelligence... The world should have been my oyster! Why am always in desperate situation? Never ending complications! All I wish for is to live the life of a bum. Why would they want to take away my dream?" (S1 Ep 12)

Lou Zhu: "I can't work for other people. I can't work for others like my life depend on it. I'm not as ambitious as Jiao Jiaoran. But if one day, I'm going to lose the pleasure. I'll have to find my way out for myself." (S2 Ep 2) Lou Zhu: "I'm not noble as you said. I just wanted to survive in a fight. But I didn't expect it'd come this far and I even let Lin Kai became involved. If you want justice, there is a greater price to pay. I'll just protect as many people as I can." (S2 Ep 9)

Lou Zhu: "If I am born in an era of peace, I will lie down and enjoy my life. But now I'm here, I can only take things as they come." (S2 Ep 12)

A Beautiful Place - Their home is a person they love ZYQ: "I've found a beautiful and peaceful place for you. You can retire peacefully. If I don't come with you, how can I show it to you?" (S2 Ep18) Lou Zhu: "I'll probably travel around, exploring mountains and rivers. Since I came to Da Liang, all I've been doing is working. Now that I finally have a rest. I want to enjoy a carefree life and retire in a beautiful corner of the world. Perfect." (S2 Ep 24) Lou Zhu: "A hidden beautiful corner with mountains and river. Not bad." ZYQ: "Long time no see." (S2 Ep 24)

[birchblood]

had the shocking realization that i am more depressed again (it's hard for me to recognize dips and crests in it as i've been struggling with deep depression my whole life). ugh. i'm just so worn out. at the risk of giving too much personal info on here i've been struggling more than usual, in particular since the fall where i was impacted by a mass shooting, and then in january my grandfather passed away and my grandmother (other side of family) decided to go on the warpath against me less than like 4 days after he died and it would have been quicker had i returned her call the day after. since then i've been really struggling w a resurgence in my eating disorder and i've just been overwhelmed the past 2 months. i'm just so tired all the time and really don't have much emotional support from others aside from my therapist, and it's hard. a friend came to visit 3 weeks ago and it was really fun but it's hard for me to talk around all the messed up stuff in my life because a) no one can deal w it tbh and as a result, b) i can't take any more emotional rejection from opening up. like it's just too much for other people. i was doing a little better w food and then it got worse again and i'm just done. i don't feel well, and haven't read for like 2 weeks or watched a movie which is how i know i'm depressed, and haven't wanted to make any art either which is also how i know, and letting my apartment get messy which is another indicator. sometimes it's hard for me to catch because i don't necessarily have the super obvious indicators like slipping in personal hygiene etc and still run daily and have a normal sleep schedule and maintain a "normal" mood/presentation. i also think i have low level depression most of the time so it's not like 0 to 60. and the low level depression is very manageable, so then i don't even consider myself depressed even though clinically i very much am, so then i don't really wonder if i am getting more depressed ever and wonder what is going on when literally i have been struggling w bad depression for ages.

i'm also really struggling w my feelings for someone and how they interact w trauma that's soooo deeply rooted. i don't like being personally transparent about it on here but if you see what i post about the most i'm sure you'll get the idea. the idea of being in a relationship with them is incredibly appealing to me, like i wouldn't want one rn with anyone else, but also really scary as i spend a lot of time keeping people at arms length because that's the only way i can easily maintain relationships without bolting. but i really really like them. and then that whole situation is messed up too and i'm worried i like them for trauma related reasons. but if i don't like aspects of the situation (age difference mainly), and wish it were different maybe it's not coming from a dysfunctional place. i really like them because aside from being attracted to them they've displayed an ability to be alongside what's happened to me in a way that made me feel like a whole person, while also being extremely cognizant of the violence i've been the victim of, and not making it about them at all. they're literally the first and only person who has treated me like that.

i don't know.

[sweetescapeartist]

An Update

So for those who are somewhat interested. Here's and update about myself and my projects.

Concerning myself...

I'm still very much tired mentally & physically. As I've said, I work multiple jobs & on top of that I have daily migraines (but I wear shades everyday to lessen the pain and symptoms). And I mentioned I'm sort of a handy man around my town mainly for family members. And I do work with my father to help him out as well as work on my own build projects for myself. So I'm pretty busy. Then I have to organize certain things despite migraines messing with my memory. Healthwise, I'm okay but still have trouble sleeping and I try to eat more often since I often forget to eat or just ain't hungry. So I get a bit overwhelmed and stressed and end up ignoring ppl & isolating myself. I still have anxiety and social anxiety too but that's getting better little by litte. I'm learning to properly deal with the stresses and mental triggers. I'm mostly a chill dude so I don't let much bother me anymore like when I was younger.

Regarding my projects...

I have a list of things to do. I have them scheduled, but due to being busy with work so often, I dont alwats meet the deadlines I have planned. Last year didn't go so well and this year hasn't started too well either. But here are some things I have scheduled...

Info posts for tumblr

Anime vs Manga: Vegeta Learns Ki Control

Vegeta's Gravity Training Obsession & Flawed Training Habits

Full Power Forms

Jaingshi Roshi

Different Way Potential Has Been Awakened In Dragon Ball

A post responding about a complaint someone had about Tien from last year (talk about late...)

Gammas & Cell

Android 18's Power in DBS (+ a bit about 17)

A few more posts about Krillin's Non-Self State that makes comparisons & explains certain details

What Toriyama's notes for Toyotaro's Moro & Granolah arcs probably were (an interesting post based off of context clued & is highly possible to be true. Will probably be later this year because there is a lot to gather for that post)

Comics I want to complete this year if possible

Kriller Time! Super Hero Side-Story Part 2: Videl

18 x Kurilin (a mini comic that'll have 4 alts)

Kriller Time! Super Hero Side-Story Part 3: Bulma

Kriller Time! #2: Fan-geta (NOT a side-story comic)

18 Steals Krillin Away

Roshi Mini Comic (should be interesting & informative due to it going to have information many may have overlooked)

Black Water Mist (a Krillin story I've wanted to finish for a while)

Kriller Time! #3 (might be Roshi or Oolong)

Yamcha's Bloomer (for my fellow Yamcha fans)

Content for my DB Databook (will be worked on throughout the years)

Just art stuff I want to get done

Some art for friends and requests I havent gotten to (won't be taking anymore requests for a while after I finish these so I can focus on lther projects) (some sketches are done)

Piccolo x Janet drawing I wanted to make last July (sketch is done)

Krillin Harem drawing since I got 3k followers on Twitter (might have 4k followers by then but I doubt it) (sketches are done)

Krillin x DB gals art (sketches are done)

Unfinished art for last years Chestnut Fest (almost complete)

Dragon Ball x Berserk (Yamcha art)

So, that's what I have planned. If I worked less, I could definitely get all of this done. I'll do my best regardless. And I've been debating if I should create my own website or just start a Patreon. I may begin with Patreon then make my own website later so I don't overwork myself. The thing about Patreon tho is that I want to give consistent content of what I believe is good quality. I need to make a profit from my art so I can be more motivated to continue and be more consistent, ya know?

So thats the plan. I didn't even mention the fics submitted to me nor the ones I've written. A lot are actually near ready to post but my anxiety is bugging me. Probably cause I'm overloading myself with too much. But we'll see how things go. I expect to get at least half of my art projects done this year & all of my tumblr posts this year. If I can get more than half of my art projects, I'll be pleasantly surprised.

Also, my MEGA folder. It was supposed ro be done last year but some serious stuff happened & I had to get my mind right. Then, things got stressful for me in Jan, Feb, & Mar. I was supposed to post a comic in February, but didn't work on it cause of the stress. So, I'll squeeze in time ro finish my MEGA folder too. It has updated and corrected comics in there of these two specifically.

[gaoau]

don't you know an abominable sinner?

theory of the two demons warnings — none word count — 2.5k

prev. — next.

three people lie unresponsive by [Name]'s feet. all three of them appear to be in a deep and peaceful slumber. all three of them, unnamed and unregistered, have died. there wasn't much purpose to their existence and there was even less purpose to their deaths. cleanly, silently, [Name] has killed them with their ability. an orange glow surrounds their body like a shield in exchange for the lives they have just taken. (something that they can take and something that can be taken from them. something they don't want anymore and something they have to protect.)

"did you know you're being nicknamed the mafia's angel?" Dazai asks casually, closing in on his mentee with an iron pipe in his hands. he pulls back, twisting his whole torso, before swinging at [Name] as if he were trying to hit a home run. "it hasn't even been a year, but you're already pulling your weight."

[Name] blocks the pipe with both arms. the moment the metal touches them, their ability powers off. then Dazai lets it slip from his fingers. "of all things, an angel?" a clank echoes.

the orange glow returns and they don't budge an inch at the impact. instead, the pipe bounces off them like a rubber ball. mentor and mentee watch unimpressed as it flies across the room.

Dazai casts his eye down at the three corpses behind [Name]. "get it?" he motions towards them vaguely. "it's 'cause it looks like you're just putting people to sleep with Mirror Mirage. bringing salvation and all."

while Dazai snickers to himself, [Name] sighs in exasperation. (it sounds a bit too much like him.) training sessions with their mentor have been put off to the side among their own affairs and nearly daily jobs to deal with the Port Mafia's enemies and clients. they couldn't be more glad. however, scarce doesn't mean nonexistent, and he always manages to make space in his schedule to beat them up a little. today he's behaving unusually generous. he hasn't attacked them with tactics proven to put [Name] at a clear disadvantage. it's unsettling and they can't regulate their breathing when they're walking on eggshells.

from boulders to knives to bullets to henchmen, as long as it's long distance and No Longer Human doesn't come into play, Mirror Mirage appears to be impenetrable. the more people [Name] leeches off of, the more powerful they become. Dazai has, so far, had a field trip with the amount of weapons he's used against them. all of this had already been registered in the files Mori gave him, but some updates here and there don't hurt anybody (apart from [Name]). of course, the tables turn with No Longer Human. as much as [Name] has gotten the hang of martial arts, it's still not quite enough against someone like Dazai. he's not the best—that title goes to his partner, unfortunately—but it's all he needs to pummel his mentee into the ground until they're nothing but a bloody mess. (not to mention that Doc has been dead for about two months now.)

speaking of, a knock on the door catches both of their attention. [Name] powers their ability off as Dazai smirks to himself with mischief.

from boulders to knives to bullets to henchmen, [Name]'s ability hasn't yet been tested on other ability users ever—Dazai being an exception.

"come in!"

the door swings wide open, like the person behind it expected more opposition from the laws of physics—or they're simply making it clear that they're not happy to be here. "fuck you mean i owe you, shitty Dazai? you know damn well you poured water on my controls. again." there's a rough edge to his syllables as he holds up a piece of paper crumpled in his fist. [Name] recognizes the hat and the bright hair, although the last—and only—time they saw him, it was tied in a short ponytail and now it's all chopped off. this is Nakahara Chuuya; much like Dazai, a candidate for executive.

"Chuuya!" Dazai cheers, uncharacteristically excited. he completely ignores his partner's complaints about him cheating at the arcade, motioning him over to hurry up.

clicking his tongue, Chuuya stops beside Dazai, hands in his pockets. he hums curiously at the quiet kid in front of him and the glowing bruises on their scarred arms. [Name] finds it easier to breathe. Dazai harshly pats Chuuya on the back with a little too much enthusiasm. a startled grunt slips from his tongue, eyes brimming with rage as he prepares to throw a punch. he opens his mouth to bark curses this maniac has heard a billion times before.

Dazai interrupts with, "Chuuya, this is my new dog, [Name]." his bandaged hand gestures towards his mentee, a childlike smile on his lips. [Name] frowns—dog? Dazai continues, "[Name], this is my old dog, Chuuya." then he motions towards his partner, a flailing arm that barely misses his hat. again, dog? "okay, fight!" just like that, he claps his hands and takes a step back. the clap echoes along with his cheery voice before dying down.

the silence that floods the room is deafening. [Name] stares at Chuuya with furrowed brows. Chuuya stares back with a glare that could kill everyone on sight except the bastard he actually wishes would die already. he notices how alert and wary they're standing, keeping an untrusting eye on their mentor.

a beat, then two, then, "what the fuck are you on about?" Chuuya is quick on his feet, swinging a high kick towards Dazai's face. his steps are weightless as he ducks and then dodges the other three hits that follow. [Name] thinks they would have never reacted accordingly to a kick like that so effortlessly.

"now, now, Chuuya," Dazai laughs, making sure he's a good distance away from any attacks that might come. it seems like he's trying to appease a feral animal, but he's failing miserably with that mocking lilt that comes natural to him. "i realize it can be hard to understand human speech at times, but you're supposed to attack them, not me."

"is that what you're wastin' my time for? an untrained brat?"

"it's part of their training. i need someone with a good, powerful ability."

"heh, so you do admit my ability's great."

"yeah, such a shame it's wasted on your tiny little body."

Chuuya barks, "hah?!" and stretches the syllable, daring Dazai to pick a fight with him a little more. that good, powerful ability of his is useless against No Longer Human, but he'll be damned if he doesn't at least try to knock a tooth out of his snarky little mouth. "i'll fucking kill you!" he balls his fists to make his words into actions. it's all he has to retaliate with because that's the only weapon he can manage to employ when faced with such annoying nonchalance.

there's a natural growl to his speech that [Name] automatically thinks sounds really cool. as they watch Chuuya grab their mentor by the collar of his shirt, [Name] quietly parrots, "hah?"

instantly, the Port Mafia's feared Soukoku ceases their bantering, both snapping their attention towards [Name]. Chuuya shoves Dazai away from him in favor of glaring the kid down. "fuck was that, brat?" he sounds like he's seething, like he could snap their neck in the blink of an eye. he still feels significantly less hostile than his partner.

"sorry, my bad," they say, "i liked how that sounded."

the kid has been quiet the entire time and their voice sounds nothing like Chuuya expected it to. for a moment, he mistook them for Dazai, but Dazai would never say the words sorry, my bad under any circumstances, let alone to him. as they address him, their shoulders relax. he wonders just how Dazai has been training them. his scowl vanishes, not in sympathy or in pity, but because this kid, even if they're the suicidal bastard's mentee, doesn't seem half bad at all. he chuckles to himself.

Dazai's eyes narrow at this development. it's rather unexpected, although nothing is ever unexpected for him.

he squeezes a sigh out from between his teeth as if he were exhausted from doing nothing but torment [Name] for the past half hour. [Name] becomes alert once more at the sound. "just duke it out, will you? i need to see results." he doesn't wait for a response. he turns his back on the two to go make himself comfortable against the wall, waving a dismissive hand in the air.

the excited grin that crawls onto Chuuya's lips doesn't weigh on [Name]'s tension. a red glow surrounds his body as For The Tainted Sorrow activates. "don't mind if i do!" without wasting another second, the ground beneath his feet crumbles into a hole that reaches just a few centimeters away from [Name]. dust and debris kick up in the air and Chuuya keeps them hanging with his ability.

in the blink of an eye, [Name] has a few dozen tiny projectiles headed straight for their face. holding their arms up as a shield, they power up with Mirror Mirage and the lives of the three people they killed earlier. Chuuya's attack bounces off them as if they were paper balls against a wall. he laughs—admittedly, he was going easy on the rookie. [Name] doesn't counterattack, instead choosing to close the distance between the two to try and knock him off his feet. the debris keeps coming, growing in size from rocks to bricks to boulders. (Dazai sighs because it will take forever to rebuild this room.)

[Name] dodges with skills that Dazai beat into them, still clearly rough around the edges as a few rocks ricochet off their temples before they can react. they're swift on their feet while they steadily approach Chuuya, assessing the distance the closer they get. once they're close enough, they kick a boulder headed their way like a football and launch it back towards their opponent. Chuuya is quick to react, canceling its gravity without breaking a sweat.

then he realizes he lost sight of the kid for only a second. [Name] takes the opportunity to latch onto his arm with their left hand. their grip is tight, instantly using their ability to leech off his lifespan. Chuuya tries to knock them away with gravity, but they don't budge. the red glow surrounding his body vanishes as For The Tainted Sorrow powers off.

three pairs of eyes—two and a half—blink stupefied at this outcome, one with more shock than the others because this has never happened before. with spiking alarm, Chuuya sweeps his leg across the floor and hops backwards before [Name] follows up their attack. they also jump back to avoid tripping on his defense. they let him get away as they stare confused at their own palm, the orange glow bright and present. it didn't feel like they stole Chuuya's lifespan at all.

"what the fuck?" he mutters, glancing towards Dazai, "is their ability like yours?" but Dazai doesn't give him the time of day, fascinated by what he's just witnessed. a few theories start floating around in that smart head of his.

then [Name] hollers, "fuck!" and clutches their left wrist. the orange glow of Mirror Mirage grows into a blinding beam as it boils from underneath their skin. it scorches their nerves like they're dipping their arm in molten lava, but it lasts only a millisecond before it dies and they instantly fly back into the wall meters behind them. the impact is powerful enough to dent the wall, [Name] dropping to the ground with an echoing thud.

it all happened so fast. flabbergasted, Chuuya flickers his wide gaze between the half-dead kid groaning in pain and their uncaring mentor. "that wasn't me, by the way," is all he has to offer, arms raised innocently. his ability isn't even activated.

Dazai's amused chuckle rings a little too loudly. he hums to himself, "that's very interesting… very interesting, indeed… we'll need to test this on other ability users, though…" his eyes lazily scan over [Name], struggling to pick themself back up. then he turns to Chuuya, who raises a brow at his passive stare. "Chuuya, can you turn your ability back on?"

"huh? ah." he tries as told, but For The Tainted Sorrow doesn't respond as it should. he can tell it's different to the effect of No Longer Human. he glares at his gloved hands with a confused frown. "no…? oh—" there, without prior notice, it's back; the red glow and his control over gravity. "guess so."

a thundering clap resonates through the room. as if it were a signal for trained dogs, the same way he told them to fight, Dazai dismisses them, "that's it for today, [Name]. i'll go over your file." he spares a glance at his partner, who doesn't seem very pleased with his attitude. he notices Chuuya is itching to give [Name] a hand as he watches the blood pooling around their head. "you're free to go, Chuuya, i know who i'll try tomorrow."

Chuuya scowls at the bandaged bastard. he's staring at him expectantly with his one taunting eye, waiting for him to exit the room first and leave the mentee to their mentor. with a click of his tongue, he has no other option than to turn his back on the kid. he doesn't see this scheme working out for anyone.

the smell of burning incense is quite appealing, [Name] notes. it fits appropriately with the atmosphere in the cemetery. they aren't sure what proper customs are when visiting a grave, but they're here to pay proper respect. quietly, they kneel in front of the stone engraved with a family name they never knew.

the ashes buried here belonged to a kid named youko. [Name] doesn't care about the name she was forced to adopt, only to be beaten to death by it later. they wish they could have found her sooner.

there's still time for others.

the Port Mafia makes insane amounts of money—so much more than any regular fifteen-year-old could ever need in their life. [Name] doesn't care about their life enough, so they choose a different place to spend all they've made this far. it's the only reason they joined the mafia and they're sticking to it until the end. they know and see value in their friends. they'll repay everyone, even if it costs them bruises and torturous training with their mentor.

it's quite the complicated fit to relocate four kids scattered around the Kanto region. Mori put them in charge of a unit for this exact reason. with their orders loud and clear, their subordinates head out to get the work done.

[Name] sits by the grave until the sun goes down.

[runbymachinesandclones]

Reading my year away: 2021 Edition

This is a day late but you know me, I’m the queen of procrastination. But I have spent some time doing this and it would be a shame if I just deleted it because of timing. So, here you have it.

I’m what you could call, an avid reader. A few years ago, I used to devour books each year but it has been a while since I have been motivated enough to pick a new book (hope I feel like it this year, tho). But recently, fanfic reading has become a form of comfort for me and an activity I do daily (sometimes to the point of messing up my sleeping schedule 😅).

I got curious about how many words I managed to read this year so, I started making some numbers this past week. Turns out, I somehow read 3,422,988 words this year… For perspective, that’s almost 10 times reading Don Quixote by Miguel de Cervantes, the most read novel in my mother tongue. And that is without counting fic rereads (which were plenty this year) and fics that I liked but didn’t save on my phone because I’m not planing to revisit them in the future, so the number might be a bit closer to 5M) I don’t know if it is a lot but I enjoyed every single one of them. Their different combinations reminded me about how much I love stories and reading.

I have rambled many times via tags about how much fanfic meant to me last year (seriously, thank you again fanfic writers of the world, I owe you my sanity this year 💜)

So, now it’s time for me to share my favorite fanfics that I read in 2021 and also my favorite WIPs that I look forward to seeing more from in 2022. They are all from The Old Guard fandom, which is my latest obsession, as many of you know.

List under the cut:

2021 FAVORITES

White Sun Summers by davaia

A beautiful post-canon fic in which Joe and Nicky heal from what happened at Merrick’s. It is full of hurt/comfort which I love and the flashbacks of their past are very well interwoven throughout the story. It is a lovely story and one that I have reread many times.

What Wise Men Fear by itsmylifekay & velociraptorerin

As a fan of Patrick Rothfuss’ novels, this one caught my eye because of the title. The quote fits Nicky so well and the shifting POV is perfect to explore how Nile, Nicky, and Joe experience the events of this fic.

So close that your eyes close (as I fall) by No_Illusions

This one destroyed me but I loved it. I remember I bawled my eyes out and even said so in the comments. I’m only able to read Joe “losing” Nicky if the author promises it is not permanent. And thankfully, that’s the case in this one.

When the Scorched of the Earth Come Back By Sea by BecauseWhateverAtAll

This is a sequel to By a Time to Rise and a Time to Fall, which I read in 2020. I really enjoyed it.

Missed You By a Few Minutes, a Few Centuries by just_another_tinker

This one is widely known and I saw it being recommended here so I gave it a try. Oh boy… The feels, the angst, the pining, the secrets, the found family. Everything about this canon divergence is perfect. I laughed, I cried, I cheered. I also enjoyed the rest of the works of this series (Missed you, in case anyone is interested).

Take me instead by Fuinixe

Febuwhump saw many great entries made by the writers in this fandom but I think this one is my favorite. Nicky protecting Joe from the Spanish Inquisition with the art of deception.

Your Kiss by spacewitchqueen

This one is ultra special to me! I prompted Brielle to write “Kisses when they’re mad” for Joe and Nicky and she came up with this beauty. It takes place in Mexico City (it isn’t outright stated but all the little clues she wrote drove me to that conclusion) and basically has Joe kissing Nicky after the AWFUL day he had while shadowing their latest mark. I still think about this one all the time when I have bad days on the subway. Wish I had my Joe to kiss the troubles away!

I Found Peace in Your Violence by Kiaya

I think this one is the first AU I read in this fandom. I don’t usually do it because I’m not that much of a fan of changing everything around the characters I’m invested in but I have become obsessed with Joe/Nicky to the point where I would read AUs and actually enjoy them. This one was really good, especially a scene in the last chapter that is full of delicious angst between them. I recently reread it because I remember how my heart was crushed by all the fic but that scene in particular and I felt the same way the second time around. It is super well written and oozing yearning!!

Saltwater Sonata by pinstripedJackalope

Another amazing canon-divergence in which Nicky is the one who was thrown in the Iron maiden instead of Quynh. Loved Joe and Nile bonding with each other as they sailed the seas to find Nicky. My favorite chapters are the ones set after they find him and we watch Nile and Joe help Nicky through the aftermath. Planing on rereading this one soon.

On the Threshold of Eternity by Ailendolin

Nicky looking out for Andy through Nile’s POV. As much as I love the Andy&Joe and Nicky&Quynh relationships, I also have a soft spot for Nicky&Andy. And this fic delivers. Family feels ensue.

Time Flies by firbolg_boyfriends

The domesticity and fluff are strong with this one. I think it is one of my favorite fics depicting the Guard in their down time, just doing things for the joy of it. Basically, Nile spending quality time with Joe and Nicky in Spain while she processes the changes in her life. Andy joins them for a lovely scene in the terrace toward the end! It is also one of those fics in which you learn things, so I really loved it!

What God Gave You, He Gave to Me by LittleRedCosette

Where do I even start? This one broke me. It is soooooo well written. It is another canon-divergence, in which Nicky is captured by Merrick Sr. way before Nile becomes immortal. With the help of her dreams, they search for Nicky. Angsty as hell but with a happy ending. I sobbed many times. It is so perfect and it has a sequel (prequel? To Turn From Following) in which we see what was going on with Nicky through the most recent years he was taken via Keane’s POV.

Our Lives Are Colored The Same by DjDangerLove

Yusuf and colors and Nicky helping him find his way back when his memory fails him for a few terrifying moments. It is so soft and speaks volumes about how well they know each other because of everything they have been through together.

Endless Ocean by Isabelle Hemlock & LumusWinter

The longest fic I read this year by far (almost 250k words of my final count come from here). I started this late and also at a time in which I didn’t quite looked out for AUs but I gave this a try because I got curious about what Bodyguard!AUs were about and I do not regret it one bit. I had such a great time reading this fic and I remember waiting impatiently for Wednesdays to see the newest update. I also left some of my longest comments ever after many updates, I just had so much to yell about. It has some great Joe/Nicky moments but it is also very whumpy and angsty, which I really love. I do believe people can heal but it takes time and the people around you to get there.

Sword and Scimitar by TheUsagi1995

Canon-divergence in which Nicky makes Merrick angry with some comment, so he is tortured and brainwashed. Joe frightened for him after they escape made my heart hurt so bad. I could feel his desperation through this writer’s telling of this story. Really good angst all around.

Fight ‘til the day that i die by incurableromancer

This one and its sequel Rendezvous are chef’s kiss when it comes to dialogue and the language used in the writing. I think I haven’t read anything that feels like this before. This AU has Joe as a vigilante and Nicky as a thief who fall in love. Includes some dramatic scenes that seem to have come out of a comic. Super enjoyable from start to finish.

Everything Hurts by Twi_Writes_Sometimes

I always feel lucky when I find a fic that gets Andy right and this one is one of those few. Andy getting used to a body which is no longer immortal and all the conflicting feelings that entails is beautifully explored in this piece and something of which I wish we had more of. The characterization is on point, imo.

The space where things have been by kaydeefalls

After a mission goes slightly wrong, Nile and Joe are left behind. They do a lot of talking with each other on their way to regroup with the others. It is wholesome to read about Nile trying to make peace with her new life and having the others there to offer her counsel. I love them together (my favorite platonic pairing!) and I love them eating huevos rancheros for breakfast on their way to a safe house where they’ll meet the others.

Nowhere i wish to stay crooked by Prevalent_Masters

Lots of things to love in this AU for someone like me who enjoys reading about people with secrets they are unable to divulge to their significant other which causes everything to end up blowing up in their faces. Joe and Nicky fall in love in this one but neither is completely honest about who they say they are. It is angsty, whumpy, kinky, and has very good team dynamics with the rest of our characters. Waiting for each chapter was painful.

Wistful is the rain by dana_norram

Who could have thought I would finally find an A/B/O fic which I actually liked? This one follows the events from the movie, but with extra feelings in every sense of the word. I’m so glad it had such a satisfying and happy ending because my god, I suffered with them because of the dangling axe over their heads, too afraid about it falling down on their hopes like it had happened to them many times in the past.

Make It Last by in_agony_and_ecstasy

It is time for IronMaiden!Joe and woow, the feels are very real. I loved Joe spending time with Booker while learning with him about the new world. The angst between Nicky and him was so good, too. Also, this is the first fic written in first person that I have ever read and it positively surprised me.

Digging in the Sand by Seethedawn

Cute fic exploring Joe’s birth family and how they used to search for crabs in the sand, just like his father had taught him and his sister. It has several time jumps in which Yusuf and his sister reminisce about it.

Empty as that beating drum by raedear

AU in which both Joe and Nicky are spies working for an agency. This whole series is a pining fest but this one is the pinnacle. While on a mission that goes wrong, they find their way to each other. Lots of misunderstandings, declarations, angst, and comfort by the end. I’m starting to feel the need to reread it because it is amazing. Joe using verses from poems as code phrases and Nicky asking him not to because he didn’t want him wasting them on him because he didn’t feel worthy of them makes me feral.

In the sky of a million stars by dolphin_ring

Post-canon fic in which Nicky takes Nile away for some stargazing to help her decompress. Filled with sweet and fluffy feelings.

L’immortalité dans les jardins des Éternels by Eilisande

The first fanfic I ventured reading in French without turning to Google Translate while doing so. It is a Sandman crossover and is a Nile POV fic in which she meets Death. The other immortals share some insight with her and at the end, Death makes her silent promises to them. ‘Ensemble, promit Death à Nicolò di Genova et Yusuf Al-Kaysani’ lives rent free in my mind.

Homeland by addyke

It’s 2005, Joe and Nicky fly to New York to meet with Andy and Booker but prejudices hold them at the airport for a few hours. Joe is patted down, questioned, and held by airport security while Nicky is unable to do much for him. There’s a beautiful scene at the end in which we can see Joe reflecting about the event and what it means for people who look like him, speak the same language as him, and have the same faith as him. It is poignant and so very real to the point it is disappointing but, same as Joe, I have hope in humanity.

Arrows and Bullets by paupaupi

I’m really enjoying this series (Forever & Always) in which Nile doesn’t go back to rescue the others and is approached sometime later by Quynh, who wants Nile to help her rescue the others from Merrick. It follows these two women in their efforts to track down the team while spending time together and teaching each other things. I think this installment is my favorite so far because it has such a feel good feeling to it while also having some deep conversations. Looking forward to more of this series.

Walk Me Through the Fire by Bedalk05

Canon-divergence in which Joe is the newest immortal. It is filled with angst and has some great family moments as Joe starts his life with the Guard. Plus, it is always good to read getting together fics for these two.

Right where you left me by dreamtiwasanarchitect & liadan14

I read this after it was completed and I so regret not giving it a go earlier. Why? Because it had me guessing all the way through and I love experiencing that in the form of regular updates in which I have the time to theorize and feel the cliffhanger’s force. This canon-divergence, in which Joe and Nicky part ways with Andy after helping her search for Quynh only for her to send Nile their way when she becomes immortal a few years into the future, is really well balanced (BDSM also included). I don’t want to say more, in case someone is reading this and wants to be surprised by the twists and turns the authors managed to pull but, it is such a good read. Also, Joe has a fish pond!

My Dearest, Nicolò by LumosFiatLux

This fluffy one shot is one of my favorites because it involves books and Joe/Nicky being saps in front of Nile. Finding things you lost can be cute! It is sweet and funny and I wish it was longer.

The Most Special Beast by beepbeepsan

I swear, this one checks all the boxes in my book for what I love being explored in fics in terms of characters going through horrible stuff. Happily, I was on board since the author started posting and I could experience it with cliffhangers and all. Andy, Quynh, and Yusuf try to track down Nicolò after he parts ways with Yusuf sometime after his first death. The angstiest and whumpiest thing I read all year, without a doubt. The chapter in which Yusuf spends time with Nicolò in his cell while waiting for Quỳnh and Andromache still makes me get goose bumps. It has such a hopeful ending and I wish we get to see another part in the future.

Wounds such as this by BeesKnees

I’ve read countless post-Merrick fics, but I think this one might actually be my favorite. The angst comes in the form of Nicky losing his memories after the shot to his head. Everything comes back to him slowly, hitting him and Joe with full force. Some very good points were made by the author in this fic. All in all, a very good read.

Planning Makes Perfect by mekana47

This one flew under my radar on 2020 but I found it while checking out other works from this author. This thriller sees Joe and Nicky captured while on a mission and highlights the grave mistake of underestimating Nicky. It is one of those rare Outsider POV stories that works perfectly because it is fun to know more than what the outsider knows about what’s going on.

There’s an ache in you (put there by the ache in me) by pittdpeach

AU filled with so much yearning that I’m surprised it didn’t crush me. I think what makes this one a great story is how very real and raw the characters feel. I know we sometimes turn to fanfic to escape reality but I enjoyed reading the messy relationship Joe and Nicky have in this one. I read it in one go because it was so good I couldn’t put it down. The time shifts score this fic bonus points as well as the impeccable writing.

To leave the warmest bed by Squintern

Another poignant AU in which Nicky and Joe are the epitome of idiots to lovers (and not necessarily in that order). Nicky, a travel journalist, comes back to his hometown for Christmas and spends time with Joe, a romantic artist who’s always there for him while wishing the love of his life will finally choose to stay with him. The phrasing of some bits and the writing overall are exquisite.

Because the night by liadan14

I never thought I would enjoy a courtroom drama AU this much but woooow. This one is filled with angst all the way through and I loved the enemies to lovers trope happening between Joe/Nicky because the circumstances they were thrown into made them get closer. This one has it all: Family drama, cliffhangers, twists, betrayal, friendship, shifting POV, great sex scenes, a beautiful ending. All of this while happening during the pandemic (probably the only fic I’ve read which managed to pull that off by entwining it with the story).

Canticum by ishandahalf

My first time reading Nicky as the newest immortal. It was a delicious slow-burn between Joe/Nicky spiced with Nicky having an existencial crisis over his feelings toward Joe and her new place in life. I also loved reading Joe wanting them to be together so bad after so long being alone while not pushing Nicky before he could process the changes in his life. This one also features great found family moments, especially between Nicky and Nile and there’s a scene between Nicky and Andy that I cherish. The writing was just superb, I left many comments stating my favorite lines from each chapter. Bonus points for stained glass maker Joe !

Home again by demonicneonfishy

This one gave Andy and Quynh the soft reunion they deserve and I really enjoyed how Andy thought she was dreaming/hallucinating Quynh while she was sick only for Nicky to tell her it wasn’t a dream and that she is really there. Beautifully written, too!

TOG Round Robin 2021 by beepbeepsan, dana_norram, goldheartedsky, mekana47, Zephineange.

The last fic I read last year. This is a beautiful exploration of several winter holidays celebrated by the members of the Guard through the years in the form of stories told to Nile. I enjoyed how diverse it was and how close these characters are to each other. It is always good to have some down time.

WIPs I want to read more of in 2022

Because this is getting ridiculously long, I’m just going to list them but know that I have a lot of feelings about them:

The Vanish Zone by Waid

Nor Earth Nor Boundless Sea by Anonymous

See you in your dreams by flightofwonder

If Never Again, If Every Day by gallifreyburning, takiki16

Scene by Scene by mekana47

A Cold War by just_a_winchester

Elevator Song by just_another_tinker

Until the End by ManicRavingsofaLunatic

It Takes An Age by deanniker

Lights Out by Avelera

Shine a Little Light by pavlovee

As certain dark things are to be loved by demonicneonfishy

The Old Guard-Rhyme Time by OldGuardianNewTricks

[moonbeambucky]

Teddy Bear Blues

Pairing: Lance Tucker x Reader Word Count: 2664 Warnings: fluffy fluff

Summary: Teething leads to trouble and not every Tucker survives Cashew’s growing pains

A/N: It’s been forever since I’ve posted! Here’s a sweet little story about my favorite family. Thank you to my love @all1e23​​​ for beta reading 🍕❤️

When you think back on your life sometimes you can’t believe how lucky you are. You reconnected with Lance, your best friend and the love of your life, and got married. You had a fulfilling career that allowed you to stay home and raise your family. Life was perfect but sometimes reality liked to remind you that perfection doesn’t really exist.

It was hard raising two young children and a puppy, and Cashew required a lot of attention. He had only known life in the shelter so having the freedom to roam around a big house was exciting. He especially loved Ariel and Theodore and you would often find them all together on the floor, rubbing Cashew’s belly or watching as he licked their faces as they giggled away.

You and Lance let Ariel and Theo take turns on giving Cashew his treats when you were teaching him how to sit and stay. You tried to make this a daily activity, not only for Cashew to learn but to keep the kids involved and slowly teach them responsibility. They were far too young to do anything else but this was a start. 

With the summer barely beginning you had to rearrange your routine and Lance was always accommodating. It was definitely a benefit of being a business owner, he made sure things were taken care of at Tucker Gymnastics so that his schedule could be flexible, putting the needs of his family first. 

Ariel was out of school but eager to fill her days with different activities She fell in love with ballet this year, even after Kennedy decided to leave after a few months and it quickly became her top priority. While you took her to the dance studio Lance would bring Theo to his school, teaching him along with other pre-school aged kids some basic gymnastics. You would all meet up at home for lunch, walking Cashew together around the block before one of you would take them to their afternoon programs. 

Theo wanted to take arts and crafts while Ariel took an interest in music. The good thing was both were offered at the local community center, the bad thing was that a parent had to be present with their child the whole time. The solution? Both kids take both classes. While people think of summer as a vacation, there is never time off to be a parent.

On the days that Lance stayed with them you stayed home, using the afternoon to conduct interviews and catch up on writing. Cashew would sit in his bed beside your desk in the office. You’d look over at him, watching the way he curled himself up, or sometimes sleep spread out on his back across his bed, his head would end up on the floor and though it didn’t look comfortable he was happily snoring. 

This time looking over you saw him chewing on something that didn’t look like a bone.

“Cashew!” You went to his side sternly commanding him to drop it, it being the pen he was chewing on that you hadn’t realized fell from the desk. 

He let go of the pen and you traded him for a large chew toy instead, petting his head to let him know he was a good boy. Tossing the pen in the garbage, you got back to work, occasionally looking over towards him. 

Cashew was still a puppy, and you knew he’d be teething for at least another two months. You didn’t blame him, having gone through this with Ariel and Theo although they thankfully never gnawed on any pens. You let Lance know to watch out for this behavior to make sure Cashew didn’t get into anything that could hurt him. 

With such busy schedules it was hard to watch Cashew all the time. Lance had to pull one of Theo’s sneakers out of his mouth, the velcro straps now a soggy chewed off mess. Cashew was young and learning the difference between his toys and things that were off limits, so when Lance came home to a trail of fluff around the house he got very nervous. 

Ariel and Theo loved their stuffed animals like they were members of the family so if any had been ripped up the kids would be upset. Lance’s heart sunk to the floor when he saw who suffered as Cashew sought to soothe his teething.

Teddy. 

He practically was a member of the family having been your favorite teddy bear that slept in your bed when you were a kid. The teddy bear that proudly wore Lance’s first gold medal around his neck after he gave it to you all those years ago. Ariel took an immediate liking to him and neither Lance or you could deny your little girl what she wanted. Up until now Teddy still looked great, having been preserved in a box for so many years at your parent’s house, and once you and Lance got back together he got a proper wash, delicately cleaning the old bear’s soft fur. Teddy’s traveled to New York and Brazil and has slept in Ariel’s arms almost every night since she claimed him. 

Lance let out a heavy sigh as he picked up the pieces of fluff, trying to stuff it back into the deflated bear. It was no use though, not with Teddy’s arm ripped off. The seams of his back were open and his tail was separated, thrown to the other side of the room and covered in saliva. 

He couldn’t even get mad at Cashew, it wasn’t his fault. Lance should have known better than to leave the bedroom doors open when he wasn’t home. Cashew’s own toys were scattered around the house and in the moment they must not have been good enough for his teething.

Lance carried Teddy down to the kitchen, removing all of the crime scene evidence from Ariel’s room. Cashew’s eyes lit up as he saw Teddy’s body, wanting to chew on him some more, wagging his tail as he followed Lance around, hoping he would drop the bear like the kids dropped food to him from the table. 

“No Cashew, not cool buddy,” Lance said sternly. 

He walked over to the basket filled with Cashew’s toys, calling the dog over to try and explain that these were for him. Cashew turned his head, wagging his tail as he then got excited as Lance held a tennis ball in his hand. The two of them played outside, tossing the ball in the backyard until Cashew perked up, hearing your car pull in. Lance ran into the house, hiding Teddy in the pantry before you could walk in.

Cashew barked with excitement as Ariel and Theodore came into the house, their squeals of excitement to see him riled him up even more as he jumped up and pawed at them. You gave Cashew a stern look and with a firm voice you told him to sit. It was hard not to get down and throw your arms around him but Cashew needed to follow some rules, like sitting calmly when someone walked through the door. His tail wagged back and forth along the floors as he anxiously sat, awaiting a treat for his good behavior. 

You tried to teach Ariel and Theo that Cashew needs to be calm when we get home before we can say hello. It might be harder to train them to do that but for now you split one of Cashew’s cookies between Ariel and Theo, allowing them to give it to him for sitting. 

A smile graced your face as you saw Lance but it didn’t quite stay there as you noticed tension in the uneasy smile of his own. He feigned a larger smile as he knelt down for Theo and Ariel, communicating to you with a myriad of eyebrow movements that there was something to speak about that clearly couldn’t be done in front of the kids.

Thankfully Cashew wanted more attention, distracting Ariel and Theo long enough for Lance to whisper in your ear that Cashew got a hold of Teddy.

“Oh no,” you gasped softly, pressing your lips together into a tight smile as you saw his remains splayed out on top of some canned goods. 

Ariel was going to be so upset, and Lance commended you for thinking of her first even though he saw the gloss of tears in your eyes. It didn’t matter how old you were, Teddy was just as important to you too, which is why Lance held you in his arms, placed a kiss to your forehead and promised to make things right.

It was hard that night explaining to Ariel why Teddy wasn’t there. At first Lance didn’t want to tell her what happened, not wanting her to be upset with Cashew. While you could have lied to her you didn’t want to, Ariel was six and she needed to learn to process all kinds of emotions. Even though the truth would be hard to hear this was a good lesson for her to learn. 

“I’m sorry Starfish, Cashew didn’t mean to chew Teddy,” he said, his finger gently brushing aside the tears from her cheeks as they started to fall. Ariel sniffled and you left to grab a tissue for her and maybe soak up your own tears as well.

This was the worst day of Lance’s life, seeing his daughter cry like this, all because he left her door open. Cashew seemed to have the worst timing and you tried to race him to the door but couldn’t stop him from going into Ariel’s room. He wanted to jump on the bed but Ariel yelled at him to get out and with the sympathetic looks you and Lance were giving him the poor dog didn’t know what to do. Cashew laid down on the floor of her room, sinking his head on top of his stretched out paws.

“Ariel, don’t be mad at Cashew, it’s my fault. I left your door open.” Her head picked up looking at him, still pouting hard. 

You settled in on the other side of Ariel, lifting her into your lap as you wiped her tears with the tissue. “Sweetheart, sometimes puppies can get into things they aren’t supposed to, and just like you and Theodore, Cashew needs an adult to look after him.”

“That’s right, and sometimes mommies and daddies make mistakes but I promise I’m going to make Teddy all better.” Lance said, lifting up her chin with his fingers. “Can you say sorry to Cashew?”

Her eyes were red and still glossed over with tears but Ariel’s expression softened and Lance patted the bed calling Cashew’s name. His head popped up, tongue instantly hanging out as he smiled, jumping on the bed. Lance ran his hand down Cashew in long strokes from the top of his head down to just above his tail. With some encouragement from you Ariel was able to smile again, petting Cashew and giggling as he licked her hand.

You and Lance tucked Ariel in her bed, turning on the garland of smiling seashell lights that hung on the wall, their soft glow cascading down the sheer fabric of the canopy above her bed.

As you were about to leave Ariel’s soft voice called out, “Can Cashew sleep in my bed tonight?”

This wasn’t a habit you wanted to start for Ariel or Cashew, not yet while the both of them were still so young but you saw the pleading look on Lance’s face. Ariel didn’t have Teddy because of him so there was no way he could say no to her request to have Cashew in her arms. You agreed, smiling softly as you nodded at him and Lance’s face lit up brighter than the sun. 

“Of course you can Starfish.” 

Cashew was just as excited to sleep outside of his crate for the first time, hopping into bed and curling up right beside Ariel.

Lance was eager to leave the house the next morning, having spent his evening searching for anyone that could help fix Teddy. It wasn’t as simple as sewing his arm and tail back as Cashew had chewed up a good portion of his body too. There was a Teddy bear hospital in Virginia and Lance was nearly ready to book a flight out for the next day. He would have too if that was the only place that could help fix Teddy, he would fly across the world to make Ariel happy. 

With a little more digging he found a small doll shop in Kissimmee and reached out as soon as he woke up. He begged the woman to take Teddy in as an emergency repair and perhaps hearing how important this was for his daughter she agreed, rearranging her schedule to work on Teddy as soon as Lance got there. 

Without Lance around the day seemed extra hectic. While Ariel was in dance class you and Theo went to the park to play, sliding down the slides together and hovering beside him as he climbed across the monkey bars. He may be four but your little boy is already pretty coordinated and you’re sure that’s in part to all the gymnastics he’s been doing with his dad.

Lance had texted you when he was heading back so you started to make dinner. Ariel and Theo helped make the salad which almost had marshmallows in it but Ariel caught her brother before he could add one of his favorite ingredients.

“Theo, drop it!” she commanded and he froze. 

You stifled a laugh, realizing she sounded just like you talking to Cashew. 

“Ariel, can you say that in a nicer way? ‘No Theo, please don’t do that.’ Okay?”

“Yes Mommy,” she replied, continuing to scoop up the vegetables you sliced to add to the big bowl. 

Cashew barked at the sound of Lance’s keys opening the door. He continued to bark in front of the door but at least he was sitting so that sort of counted as progress, right? Lance waited for Cashew to be silent for a moment before he leaned down to pet him. 

“Come on boy,” he said, and Cashew followed him into the kitchen as he went to grab a treat.

Lance kissed Theo first, then Ariel who was closer to you. Once again you communicated with your eyes as your gaze drifted to the box in his hand, your smile growing wider as he nodded with confirmation. 

“I wanna do it!” Theo said, as Lance dug his hand into Cashew’s treats. Lance gave him the treat to give Cashew, and of course Ariel wanted to give him one as well. Cashew was definitely one lucky dog. 

“Hey Starfish, I have a surprise for you,” Lance said, sitting next to Ariel on her bed. 

Your own nerves were racing as he handed her the box, hoping Teddy was a little bit recognizable. As she popped the lid open she squealed with excitement, “Teddy!!”

Ariel grabbed him so quickly you could barely see him but the smile stretched out across her face let you know it was good enough to make her happy. Lance saw the way you were wringing your hands, hunching over anxiously to catch a peek of Teddy.

“Starfish, can we show mommy?” Lance asked and Ariel nodded. 

She held out Teddy and tears flooded your eyes as you held him. He looked perfect! You examined him all over and couldn’t see any difference.

“It’s really him!” you cried, squeezing Teddy against you. 

Lance gave you a sweet smile and you felt a little embarrassed, handing Teddy back to Ariel where you know he belonged. He hadn’t been yours in a long time and that was just fine. Your lips connected sweetly as you thanked Lance for bringing Teddy back to life, throwing your arm around him to cuddle as you drifted off to sleep.

[bluwails]

Ive been real inspired by @chipper-smol 's au. I find myself snickering at Ghost/feral's antic mainly because I have young siblings and in my home there is never a dull moment. Child antics are literally my life rn and I cant help but relate.

So while on a nostalgic trip i was struck with this poorly written fic. And I hope you enjoy.

No edits because we die like men!

The time for rest had asserted its hold over Hallownest again as bugs wound down from the days toils. The servants and knights had quietly excused themselves to their personal quarters and the kingsmoulds that marched dutifully down each hall had slowed to a silent pace.

The white Lady had taken in the idea to walk the palace before retiring to her personal quarters for the evening. Dryya, her most respected and loyal guard, walked quietly behind her as she stiffled a yawn much to the white lady's amusement. She had dismissed her hours ago to rest but she stubbornly stuck to her and insisted on being around to protect her on her leisurely stroll.

" Your majesty, you need not worry for me. I will-" Dryya gaped stiffling another sign of encroaching sleepiness," -be with you until you retire to your bedroom."

She still felt fascination bubble under the surface as she observed her; a warm aura seeping off of her.

As a higher being they will never need these things like rest or daily meals. But they merely adopted the actions to blend more with the society around them. Just like her dear wyrm, Things like sleep were never on the forefront of their mind. They could spend decades awake and unbothered by the need. But they made resting a habit to demonstrate that one should rest after work.

Shuffling down the halls toward her favorite veranda befor she heard an unfamiliar scuffling. It was hurried but small. Most likely a small bug.

"Behind me your majesty." Dryya hissed pulling her nail from her side her alert instantly raised. As late as it was not many would be awake, much less in the halls working so fervently.

As they turned the corner they spotted two familiar horns working quickly with a brush and bottles of ink.

It was the feral vessel.

" You cheeky Sqwib! " she screamed shocking the little vessel. Their small hand dropping the brush they'd use to vandalize the walls. "You are at it again!" Dryya huffed indignant at the vessel as she marched over, sheathing her nail, and quickly bonking them between the horns.

" Do you know how you terrified the Queen?" She growled seizing their ink colored hands. " and to top that, you dare vandalize the white palace yet again!"

"Dear knight, there is no reason to be so harsh. " the white Lady softly appealed. "The walls can be cleaned and the ink replaced but the trust from a child cannot." She calmly lectured using a branch to pet the vessel.

"You are to lenient with them my lady." She huffed releasing them. Dryya was no fan of the feral vessel. Time and time again they'd watch and suffer their pranks. Many a time her nail was stolen only for it to be returned muddy or, miraculously, bent at the tip.

She was not the only one of the five knights to have their belongings weaseled from them and returned in less then favorable conditions.

"They are just being a child Dryya." WL cooed as she slowly squatted in front of them. "Soften your heart towards them. If only for me."

The knight reluctantly huffed again as she faced away. "Praise the Queen's endless patience, you little tyrant, you are saved for now. "

The white Lady smiled warmly as she looked the small vessel over. At this time they were meant to be tucked away in bed. The schedule their father made, though strict was optimize for their healthy growth. She suspected in full that the pure vessel had curled themselves into bed without a second thought, while their sibling ran through the halls causing their daily commotion.

In all honesty, she found their outbursts charming. Each trick, prank and shenanigan they pulled continuously showed her how lively they truly were. When they'd arrived from the abyss with their sibling, she lamented at their sight. Seeing them as nothing more than walking corpses until she heard of what would honestly sound like a farce. They'd barely stepped foot into the white palace before they entered a meeting between the dreamers, with no command or reason, and unleashed the most ungodly revolting smell. Shocking and disgusting the entire gathering forcing them to vacate the room entirely.

When her wyrm ranted about them that evening on how they indignantly, stomping their tiny grub feet and blantly ignoring him, forced them to clean the entire room alongside the retainers as punishment she could not help but laugh in an odd mix of relief and joy releasing a knot in her chest she did not know she held.

Looking again to the picture on the wall it was of clearly her dear wyrm. Her giggle chimming like bells as she observed it further. It was simple and childish as but it was an accurate representation of her wyrm. His elegant crown like horns now simple zigzags, their fangs drawn large and silly, with their tongue poked out in a not very gentlemen manner. (She suspects this is how they saw their father when they ranted at them.) It was crude, hurriedly painted, and was encompassed by tiny hand marks and had all the makings of a goofy Caricature and she wished she could save it.

"I see the throws of art beckoned you from your deep sleep small one." knowing full well they did it to mess with the king again. "maybe we should have Lurien tutor you to bring out your talents?" She questioned aloud watching the vessel furiously shake their head from the corner of their eye.

"Then what brings you from bed?"

The child twisted at their fingers looking down as they snuck peeks at her face.

They signed quickly keeping their ink covered hands slightly in sight. But It obvious it was something else. It was no news to her that they held many things back from them. And the curiosity of what it could be danced in the back of her mind, but she refused to force them anymore than they'd allow.

"You know you require rest in order to grow." She purred gently as she angled her small one's mask toward her.

Their mask tilted in a way that mimicked a pouty huff. Her heart swelling at how cute they were. She could not help but poke a small amount of fun.

"So you do not wish to grow anymore?" She questioned exaggeratedly tilting her head and placing a branch to her cheek.

They seemed to freeze at the and mull the thought around in their head. To her, this was the sweetest gesture. She'd remembered when the two vessels first molted and got their bearings. Though they thought no one was watching, she caught them do a small jig in celebration of their new body. Wiggling their newly formed fingers, touching their more angled faces and observing their budding wings.

" I'd say you'd want to." She whispered calmly retrieving her handkerchief to clean them.

"How can one so small hold such large secrets?" She hummed wiping the pink ink from them.

The vessel signed, a cheeky air to them as they flexed their arms nearly rupturing her heart from cuteness alone.

"Dryya please get someone to assist in cleaning up. " with a bow Dryya reluctantly left grumbling to herself.

"Now as much as I would love for you and to stay up and get into all kinds of mischief. I would say its time for bed. " She cooed admiring their clean face.

The vessel gestured again with more emphasis.

"I see." She hmmed making a show of thinking of what to do. In reality she had an idea of what to do. Somewhere deep in her memory was a song that. She could not remember the face that sang it to her but she remembers it working nearly every time. Ushering her to sleep. "Then would you care to accompany me on the veranda?" She asked pointing to the large glass door not far behind them.

Nodding they streched their arms up towards her. Obligating the gesture she swept them up in her branches as she walked slowly to the door.

she allowed small blooms to bloom on her creating a pleasant perfume before sitting on her stool already set up outside.

The vessel signed again gesturing at themselves.

Chuckling she squeezed them close to her. "Not essentially. You are of two pale beings and void." She murred quietly; her light warming them as they sunk into her lap. "You don't really need sleep. But its good because it helps you grow." She hummed wrapping her branches around them.

They gestured wildly again wiggling their fingers above their head causing her to erupted in laughter.

"Yes." She snickered "maybe if my wyrm slept and rested more they would grow as well I will be sure to suggest it to them later." Feeling the small ones shoulders shake in signs of laughter she hugged them.

" you remind me much of him in his younger years." She thought aloud as the vessel shook their head furiously. " well the both of you refuse to sleep on time so I imagine you two are similar in that sense." She mused as the small threw a small tantrum.

"Very well, shall I sing you something to assist you to sleep?" They nodded sinking back into her lap, placing their head on her chest.

As they sat, staring out into the lush garden and flickering lumaflies below she hummed a quiet tone shutting her eyes calling upon the memory.

Her branch rubbing small circles into their child's back as her voice trilled lyrics long thought lost to her:

Lay down your head and I'll sing you a lullaby

Back to the years of loo-li lai-lay

And I'll sing you to sleep and I'll sing you tomorrow

Bless you with love for the road that you go

May you sail far to the far fields of fortune

With diamonds and pearls at your head and your feet

And may you need never to banish misfortune

May you find kindness in all that you meet

May there always be angels to watch over you

To guide you each step of the way

To guard you and keep you safe from all harm

Loo-li, loo-li, lai-lay

May you bring love and may you bring happiness

Be loved in return to the end of your days

Now fall off to sleep, I'm not meaning to keep you

I'll just sit for a while and sing loo-li, lai-lay

May there always be angels to watch over you

To guide you each step of the way

To guard you and keep you safe from all harm

Loo-li, loo-li, lai-lay, loo-li, loo-li, lai-lay

Loo-li, loo-li, loo-li, lai-lay

Loo-li, loo-li, loo-li lai-lay

Loo-li, loo-li, loo-li lai-lay

Loo-li, loo-li, loo-li lai-lay

Loo-li, lai-lay

Only the soft breathing and the feeling their body relax and their shoulders ease indicated they drifted off.

"Sweet dreams my small one."

Thanks so much for reading. In all honesty i have only played hollowknight for about a month and half and im already so invested in the fandom. (I'm still getting my butt handed to me by ogrim. Please dungy boi stop throwing sh!t at me long enough so i can hit you. You broke all my fragile charms alreday!-🥺😢) You guys are so creative and fluffy and have no problem hurting my tender sensibilities.

For those curious the song is called sleepsong by secret garden. I used to listen to it ages ago before bed.

[yan-genshin]

a/n: hello to the fellow twst people who came here from my twst blog welcome to my secondary brainrot

warnings: general yandere themes, non consensual drug use, some spoilers for kaeya’s backstory 

♥︎ kaeya alberich

kaeya is obsessive in an almost paranoid way, which is almost surprising seeing how laid back and relaxed he seems to act most of the times. despite his seemingly sociable attitude, kaeya is similar to his brother diluc in that he doesn’t get close to others because he’s scared to lose them (or scared that being associated with him could bring them harm)

maybe that’s why it comes as a shock to the city to hear that the cavalry captain has gotten together with the mysterious honorary knight- everyone knows kaeya flirts and gets around, but nobody’s ever seen him settle down like that

it’s... almost cute, at first. he’s far from touch starved, but emotionally? kaeya seems to seek their attention and warmth almost selfishly, dragging them around on “missions” that are mostly work he’s supposed to be doing alone to eat up their time, interrupting their own tasks and missions just because he wants to see them

“aw, are you mad at me?” he’s got that playful tilt to his voice, the one he always uses when he’s trying to make things go his way or he’s trying to egg someone on. by now, the outlander isn’t sure which effect he’s trying to have on them; this is the third time kaeya swooped in and interrupted their daily commissions for the adventurer’s guild, putting them behind schedule and messing up their plans for the day. the spot in their bag where they would have put away the cecilias they had meant to gather in the evening but didn’t get the chance to just makes them more upset- but kaeya’s sudden embrace makes them drop that train of thought. “now, now, let’s not get angry... i’m really trying my best here to show you i love you- don’t you love me, too?”

kaeya seems to think the ends justify the means- the path to the best ending isn’t necessarily a pretty one, or so he says. he’s well aware of when he starts to use emotional manipulation to pressure his dear traveler into doing as he wants, he’s entirely aware of how he’s monopolizing their time

after all, the easiest way to get them to be as attached to him as he is to them is to break them down and build them back up as he sees fit. it’s cruel, it’s bad, but kaeya is the type of man who relishes in the looks of fear and doubt in other’s faces, and the type of lover who relishes in gently comforting the traveler as they cry when he’s the one who caused their tears in the first place

most of it is just to make them depend on him. oh, don’t get him wrong- kaeya’s well aware that the traveler can fend off for themselves. he’s seen how they fight, how they seem to move with battle experience that should be born from years and years of training despite their youthful appearance. but that strength is also what gives them freedom- and kaeya is not barbatos, and he doesn’t plan on giving them such thing

“can i go to springvale today...?” kaeya almost smirks. who would have thought the powerful hero of mondstadt- the outlander who swept in, who saved the city from dvalin, who once challenged boreas for training- could be reduced to such a meek creature that felt the need to ask for permission to simply wander outside the city’s walls? to outsiders, it might seem like it was just the traveler ‘settling into the relationship’, but he knew better than that. days of subtle manipulation, of using just the right words to drive them to tears, of comforting them while choosing his words oh-so-carefully were the hard work that was showing off now; a hero slowly being reduced to a docile partner

he doesn’t want to be abandoned. kaeya fears loneliness more than anything else, something he keeps hidden deep inside of him- vague memories of being abandoned on a rainy night, of his adoptive father’s passing haunt him, the ever stubborn feeling of being unwanted despite having so many swooning for him- it’s as if every little piece of the travler’s free spirited soul he chips away is a reassurance, a guarantee to him that they’re his and they’re going to stay

there’s no real limit to what he’ll do. he’s always careful enough to keep them right in his palm; even when the relationship has gone far from just a toxic relationship and fallen off into something worse, it’s as if they’re far too deep do climb out. it’s not easy to leave an abusive relationship, and kaeya is always one step ahead in making sure it’s damn near impossible, presenting himself as the only solace for the traveler

it’s almost an art how he’s the one making their life hell and also the one who comforts them and gives them a sanctuarium to “heal” and “feel loved”. whether it’s him destroying their hopes of seeing all archons, claiming it’s simply impossible, or implying that if their sibling truly were alive, word of them would have probably gotten to mondstadt already, kaeya is always careful enough so that his darling’s anger and grief doesn’t fall quite on him, so that he can be the one to gently comfort them and hold them in his arms

“shh, it’s okay darling, you couldn’t have known anything so terrible would happen.” he holds his lover’s shaking body as they cry into his shoulder, hands rubbing soothing circles into their back. despite this, the look in his face isn’t one of a man consoling his lover, but rather a smug smirk. they heave another sob: oh, they have all the rights in the world to be sad. how tragic that the particular knight who’d become their friend had to pass away so brutally- they’d simply asked him if he could gather some lampgrass for them, an innocent request, and he’d ran into a ruin guard. it’s your fault for asking him to go seemed to be the only thought that ran through their head, and kaeya, despite all his comforting, didn’t seem to downright deny it. after all, they didn’t need to know the poor knight happened to ask kaeya where he could find the lampgrass, they didn’t need to know kaeya just so happened to mark a location on his map where it just so happened he knew a ruini guard lurked nearby. kaeya may be a knight, but he’s never been to righteous- it’s not as if he directly spilled someone’s blood just because they got too close to his lover, right? suppressing a chuckle at the thought, he made sure his voice was still in a comforting tone as he spoke, “next time, just ask me for any favours. no need to go and talk to others and have this tragedy repeat, right?”

it’s almost laughable, really, how much kaeya seems to circle around and pull strings just so he can make everything work the way he wants. realistically, it’d be just so much easier to just chain down the traveler, to just downright get rid of paimon instead of constantly bribing her with food or sending her off with amber to the point where the little fae seems to almost forget about the traveler- but kaeya needs to be loved. he doesn’t need the love to be healthy or to be real, it’s ok if it’s born out of manipulation and dependence. but all he does, he needs it to work into driving the traveler into a dark enough headspace wherein he is the only light in their life

... but that said, he’d rather have the traveler be his and lose their love than lose the traveler’s love and also lose them. ideally, they won’t abandon him because they love him (because he’s broken them, because he destroyed the hero of mondstadt and made them into a docile and codependent pet, because he’s destroyed their world and shown himself as the only alternative) but if needed, he’ll make it so they won’t abandon him because they can’t

after all, kaeya loves the sight of fear in their eyes. if they’re so eager to leave him, then perhaps he’ll just continue to indulge in their tears and their begging- this time wholy embracing the fact he’s the one that caused such things. it’s as easy as sleeping potions mixed in their foods to keep them pliable and docile, as easy as a chain keeping them locked to a basement; a treatment so hellish it makes them crave for the toxic hellhole of a relationship he offered before

“aw, are you uncomfortable? it’s too cold down here, isn’t it? poor thing. should i get you a blanket? do you think you deserve a blanket? if you keep acting good, i might get you one tomorrow.” it’s torture, the way he so gently traces their cheek, the way he looks at them with so much warmth in his eyes despite him being the one who’s got them chained up to a fucking basement. their brain screams at them to jerk away, to not give him the satisfaction of accepting his touch, but they’re cold, and despite being a cryo user, kaeya’s touch is so warm that they almost unconsciously lean into it. he laughs, the noise echoing in the almost empty basement; all that’s down here is a ratty old cot, a makeshift bathroom, and the heavy metal chain attaching them to one of the thick wooden support beams on the wall. cold nights like these almost make them miss being back in kaeya’s room, huddled in with him after he’s fallen asleep- probably after offering some comfort after driving them to a breakdown some hours earlier. but that’s long gone, now replaced with kaeya’s almost sadistic glee in keeping them down here, in seeing how the already broken traveler just shatters into a shell of their former self, how even now when he’s being outwardly antagonistic they’re starting to still try to find comfort in him: truly turned into a weak, docile, dependent little thing. 

[sneezefiction]

Atsumu, Akaashi, and Iwaizumi w/ a Kindergarten Teacher S/O

Atsumu, Akaashi, and Iwaizumi x reader - headcanons

request: “i just read your fic ab the reader being a kindergarten teacher and i LOVED IT. do you think we can get another one but with atsumu, akaashi, and iwa? 🥺 I LOVE YOUU AND YOUR WRITING AHHH”

a/n: ahh my laptop has my asks jacked up rn, so sorry @parkersvibes !! but i had the exact request copied down! this is a part 2 to this post :)) really hope you like it and thank u for being so uber sweet, i love this hc💕💕

warnings: none!

wc: 1040

—-

Atsumu:

okay please don’t be surprised by this - Atsumu doesn’t exactly like kids

he’s currently dealing w/ an ongoing children’s volleyball introductory camp that his team was forced to run and he is horrified

ends up making several of them cry, which totally turned him off to the whole “kids” thing

however, he also had the chance to meet you at that camp

he noticed how gentle you were around them, helping them up when they fell, praising them for their “hard work”

he lacked that softness. the comforting, encouraging kind…

so before he even realizes it, he’s walked up to you and started flirting (it’s second nature for this boy at this point)

“What’s a cutie like you...” He’ll look you up and down, “doin’ round here?” He tilts his head, a smirk forming on his lips

“I dunno? Maybe I’m here to cheer up all the crying kids you keep sending to me?” You reply sassily

you’re just... annoyed? the stupid face he’s making after messing with these poor kids is pissing you off

Atsumu wasn’t expecting any sass from you, but since then he’s been pining after you at every break and scheming for new ways to catch your attention

it turns out, you’re the kindergarten teacher for a majority of the little one’s attending and you signed up to chaperone and support them over the next couple of weeks

like, he has no capacity for their complaints and misunderstandings of a sport since he’s been playing professionally for years now

you’re officially an angel in his eyes

not only are you drop-dead gorgeous, but you can also #1 understand what they’re saying?? And #2 you genuinely care about them, their feelings (trivial or not,) and their experience at the camp

he’ll definitely ask you out after the camp is over

you turn him down twice lmao

but the third time!! he doesn’t use any lines or sensual approaches, he’s just chill about it

he’ll ask if you want to go roller skating… so you’re finally just like

“What the hell, why not.”

i mean he is cute and funny, so what could go wrong?

he ended up acknowledging that he sucks at dealing with kids and that he’d try to be gentler around them…

like if he’s actually willing to work on being “okay” with kids, that really means something, bc wow they bother him sometimes

he just adores you, bby

Akaashi:

i imagine that he’d also be a kindergarten teacher at your school

he was quiet for a long time, preferring to observe you and his new coworkers over time, but over the years y’all have gotten super close

there’s now a daily rhythm between you two:

you both meet up in the morning and put on a pot of coffee in the breakroom

he’ll meet your tired eyes with his own. the dark circles make it apparent that y’all are still waking up

you’ll send each other knowing, goofy smiles bc your sleep schedules are so wrecked right now, especially since it’s almost time for the holidays

the schools required art projects are getting out of hand and all the teachers are kinda pissed about it

but instead of complaining, Akaashi will suggest you both go shopping for materials and plan ideas together

it seems like a perfectly normal suggestion, bc you’re teachers and this would be more “efficient”, right? totally not an excuse to hangout w/ you

you’re in for such a treat

he comes to pick you up that Saturday, a coffee ready for you in his hand (he remembered the exact way you make it in the classroom)

also, he’s got this great scarf and jacket combination going on (like this: here)

sorry but not really, this totally turns into a date and you both completely forget about the supplies you were supposed to buy

like, yeah you’ll make it to the store, but he’ll ask you if you’re hungry (which you are) and suddenly he’s taking you to the ramen shop you mentioned weeks ago while on your lunch break

at some point, he’ll have you laughing about some story about a kid from class who keeps acting up

you’ll end up falling out of your chair from laughing so hard and he’ll start laughing at you

while you’re both still snickering, he crouches down to the ground and asks you to this with him again next Saturday

you’re so down (literally)

y’all are the cutest teacher couple. ever.

Iwaizumi:

i see Iwa as being a young, single dad in this situation ✨✨✨

you first meet at the beginning of the school year for a parent-teacher conference and it actually goes so smoothly

he brings his adorable baby girl (your new student), her hair in pigtails, and she’s grabbing onto daddy Iwaizumi’s leg

you first introduce yourself to the girl and then give Iwa a bright smile

i mean, as a teacher, you do your best to be professional and polite, but you can’t help but ask him about himself and crack a few jokes

he and his daughter deem you precious, immediately.

Iwaizumi is so protective of his shy, little girl, but he finds himself very comfortable with letting you teach and watch over her

he definitely finds you on facebook when he gets home and realizes y’all have mutual friends

so instead of just adding you as a friend, like a normal person, he decides to message your mutuals and devise something to meet you in person

what can I say? the dude hasn’t been in the dating field for awhile, so he’s not sure what he’s doing right now

basically you get set up for a one sided blind date (oop)

you find yourself waiting at an ice cream shop for a guy with short, dark-brown hair, an athletic build, and gorgeous brown eyes

but what they didn’t tell you was that he would be bringing a little someone along with him

at first, you just see his little girl waving to you

you stand up, giving her a big hug when she runs up to you

then you look up

oh… OH

Iwaizumi matches that description to a T.

y’all spend the rest of the day skipping (mostly just Iwa’s daughter though) around town and holding hands

so yeah, you’re dating your kindergarten student’s father now

and he’s really sweet and really hot

—-

tags: @cherryonigiri @parkersvibes @omgaspers

[magica-witch-project]

I wish for more focus and motivation. I struggle with schoolwork and personal projects often, as I quickly lose interest or will to work, and my stubborn nature makes it difficult to start up again. I love art and learning, and when I do my work I try to do it well, but I’m also very unwilling to ask for help, even if I really need it.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Your magical girl form is sleek and elegantly Victorian, with steampunk additions. A long, billowy brown coat buttons down the front over a lightly-ribbed white collared shirt, and a frilly ascot is secured around your neck with your amber soul gem, cut into the shape of a sharp diamond. A pair of knee-high leather boots slip on over your light brown trousers, and on your head, a small brown top hat that matches your coat, with a silver screw and bronze bolt holding two red feathers to the red-ribbon band, clip into your hair, white lace poking out from underneath elegantly. Thick leather gloves protect your hands and arm from the bronze and silver compound bow that serves as your weapon, your arrows silver with the fletching made of the same red feathers as the ones stuck in your hat. In the magical community, you become well known for your focus during fights, as the mechanical wings on your back give you the best angles from any direction, and your stubborn motivation makes you a fantastic partner. In your daily life, schoolwork gets done quickly and easily, personal projects are never left unfinished anymore, and you’ve never been more focused on anything before.

Sadly, all good things come to an end, and you start to find that your focus is consuming, leaving very little room for you to simply relax when you need to. Soon, your focus becomes hyper-focus, then obsession. In labyrinths, you become so obsessed with ending the witches that you forget to cleanse your soul gem, until it’s too late, and you become Josephine, the clockwork witch. Her nature is bullheaded, and her labyrinth is a maze of gears, pipes, chains, and traps. Unlike most other witches, her labyrinth has no familiars, but that’s not to say she’s easy to get to. The twisting, wallpaper-peeling halls of the old Victorian manor one finds themselves walking through are filled with hidden clockwork traps, some that hold one in place, others that send sharp broken bits of metal into the air, and others more that explode with hot, scalding bursts of steam. Once past all of these, one may find themselves in the master bedroom of the manor, where they come face-to-face with Josephine herself, the witch’s head a large clock with the twisted, tarnished bronze hands spinning wildly around the face numbers. Her body is a mess of gears and torn cloth, steam escaping from time to time as the gears strain to move, locked in place, with a pair of broken and rusted wings behind her, the old canvas torn and dirtied. The best way to defeat Josephine is with a group, as she will focus her attacks on a single person with her enormous and rusted bow, but be cautious still, as the room is filled with the same traps as the manor halls. Upon her defeat, Josephine’s clock hands will slow to a stop at midnight, and the gears that make up her body will collapse in on themselves as a brass bell rings out twelve times.

So, this was my wish, and I had a lot of fun writing my own downfall. I was supposed to be sleeping last night when I had this idea, and decided I would make a post about it because it sounded fun. I really do have focusing issues, and I really am stubborn as a bull, (ask Mod Mami), so breaking habits is difficult for me to do. Advice I’d give myself is definitely make a schedule, and put it somewhere I can always see it, that way I’m always reminded of the things I have to get done before I do something personal, like working on the various art pieces and comics I have. I’m chaotically organized, y’know?

-Mod Kyoko

[axelkai]

welcome aboard, AXEL NICKOLAI BRAXTON, student #1. we are excited to set sail with you ! has anyone told you that you look like jeremy allen white? according to our records, you hail from new york, usa, he/his, are male, and are here to study digital art. we also see you received a spot on the ss university because of your money — we won’t tell anyone. during your first few weeks here, other students said you were + fun loving, + social, but also - impulsive. it sounds like you spend most of your time at the sandbar. upon checking your luggage, we noticed you packed a sketch book brought from home. hopefully your roommates don’t steal it!

hello, buds, this is Lella, 23y, she/her, gmt-3. this is my new baby and i’m prob going to take a while before start fixing the theme. a basic nav is already up, though. under the read more you’ll see more info about him. im stilll working in his bio though, as I manage his family/bg story so it will be fitting! 

[[ BASIC INFO ]]

Nickname(s): Ax, Kai (friends), Nick (family).

Age: 25

Date of Birth: -

Orientation: he swears he is straight but he is actually homoflexible

Language(s) Spoken: english, spanish

[[ PHYSICAL ]]

Height: 1,71m / 5′7′’

Weight: 80kg / 176lbs

Faceclaim: Jeremy Allen White

Hair color: dark blonde

Eye color: blue

Tattoos: an eagle on his chest, an anchor on the left side of his neck +

[[ PATTERNS  ]]

Drug Use: marijuana counts?

Alcohol Use: not a weekend goes by without a drink.

Dreams: to have an art gallery of his own.

Fears: feeling trapped +

Hobbies: painting, drawing, cooking (though few know about this last one).

Habits: swearing, drinking coffee while working, hugging a pillow while sleeping, keeping wardrobe neat, having a irregular sleep schedule, driving waaaay too fast, falling asleep while watching tv, bullying people, being a destructive mess when pushed 

[[ PERSONALITY ]]

Positive Traits: fun loving, social, imaginative, adventurous, generous, romantic, caring

Negative Traits: impulsive, quick tempered, stubborn, rude +

MBTI: enfp - the campaiger                        78%  extroverted / introverted 22%                          62% intuitive / observant 38%                              48% thinking / feeling 52%                            29% judging / prospecting 71%                            51% assertive / turbulent 49% 

Enneagram: the enthusiast.

Temperament: sanguine

Moral Alignment: true neutral

Primary Vice: wrath

Primary Virtue: diligence

Element: fire w a few traits of water

[[ BIO / sketch ]] 

at school, Kai was not the best student; he never got interested in regular school subjects. would often skip classes and get in trouble, argue with a teacher he disagreed with, fight students he found annoying; his parents would get so frustrated every time they had to show up to meetings. 

not the brightest one; but not that he wasn’t smart, he just wasn’t compromised with whatever he didn’t feel interested in. on the other hand, he was good at skating and drawing. and his maquettes were the best of his classes.

eventually, after a particularly aggressive episode, when they placed him to meet a school’s counselor, they initially found it to be a disaster; he’d curse and bite the counselor, utterly angry because people thought they knew what was best for him— adults were not understanding.

but, you see, eventually, after some bribery with candy and cool games, he grew to put up with it. and, he would never admit it, but after letting the counselor a little bit in, here and then, he'd hear useful things that made his daily life way easier. 

as a teenager, Kai was better at controlling his aggressiveness. turned out that he was just really bad at handling frustration. but, well, if his aggressive impulses weren't that much of a problem anymore........ his partying days grew to be. getting out late, getting home early in the morning.

Kai would get home high or drunk every weekend, and his parents certainly weren't fond of it. though, as a playful kid, he'd get his way around their disappointment. not that he wouldn't feel bad at the way he just couldn't meet their expectations, he was only human after all.

he was still underage when he started making money out of his drawings and painting — and, well, eventually, even digital art. his parents got less worried about his future at seeing the money coming in. Kai didn't initially have big ambitions, professional or academic, but if he kept going he had a professional area he could make money from.

he got away from home at the age of 18; even though his parents were sort of caring ones, their frustrated expectations over his academic lack of interest were discouraging to deal with. he got himself into a cheap apartment, but near some friends of his, and got away just fine with life.

[...]

everything was cool until he figured his party buddy Cass would try and join ss. and so would his sister. he decided to tag along.... not with any intention with getting grades higher than mediocre, just to know more about the world and live this crazy experience. to be honest, he never thought he’d actually be draw in that online lottery thing....

some connection ideas while i dont get my wc list ready:

- someone that axel has bullied or bullies

- someone (female) he is currently dating (be aware tho that he is a closeted guy)

- someone for him to be a bad influence on

- someone to be a good influence on him

- partners in crime 

- party buddies

- an artist he admires the work of 

- someone that admires his work

[selfmadesuperhero]

i’m very much not okay 

and i’ll probably take very long for me to explain why

i don’t know how to write this. i don’t know where to even start. i’m here because i just don’t have anywhere else to go. i can’t afford therapy. i no longer have any close friends other than Mabu (gf).

it’s getting pretty bad inside my head

i know most people’s lives are hell this year and i’m not special. i know that. to me, this year is feeling like the last nail in my coffin because 2019 had already chewed me up and spit me out. 

i kept my last job for eight years. after my first year there, another developer came in, and we became friends. we worked side by side less than 4 feet apart for six years. our hours were flexible but we always agreed upon our schedule just so work would be more bearable, because we both hated it and often had to team up against our boss’ downright abuse. it was a very small company (at its biggest we were only 7 employees). we were also going to graduate at the same time from the same school (different majors), so we had a bit of a pact to leave our shitty boss once we’d graduated and start developing our own, way less shitty games.

at the start of 2019, he got an excellent job offer. i was thrilled for him and told him to of course get out of that hellhole we hated so much, we were only there because the pay was decent and the hours were flexible so we could get our degree, you know? it stung, but i was happy for him. on the last day i gave him a ride home (which is also something i did almost daily), he surprised me by hugging me and telling me i was like a brother to him and our plans weren’t going to change. 

i believed him, and went back to work. he was soon replaced, obviously, by a junior developer because that’s how capitalism works. but suddenly, i no longer had someone to take a stand with me against my boss - there was no one left that i knew, everyone had resigned or been fired and i was the oldest employee. you’d think that’d earn me something, after eight years being dedicated to the same company, right? 

(shortly after, my grandma passed, after years and years of agonizing in a wheelchair. we lived together)

fuck that

the first months were fine. i was being the senior developer and teaching the junior constantly, so my boss stayed out of my way. but see, this is where he started to get ansty. the more the junior stopped being a junior and was actually useful for something, the more that piece of gigantic ass just started thinking only about our salaries. i started in that company in 2012 making little more than 3 bucks/hour (remember i live in a third world country, but it was still specialized work), but by 2019, my salary was pretty much double of what the junior was making, and every penny extra i got during those years was a CONQUEST. i also worked six hours while he worked eight, so.

my boss basically started treating me even more like shit. he wasn’t nice to be around before, but he was bearable in small amounts. suddenly it was obvious to everyone that he was really fixating on me and my performance, and to me it was obvious he just wanted me to walk away too so he could replace me with TWO junior developers instead of just one measly charlie. 

then, the nationals elections began. oh boy.

this probably wouldn’t read as news to anyone, but i’m a huge leftie, obviously. if you’re at all interested in politics, read about what socialist policies have done for uruguay during the past 15 years and how they turned us into AT LEAST a developing country, but i digress. 

the people that sat in my office even shared my political views or whatever, but my boss is actually part of the conservative party and started actively campaigning. every time something involving politics happened, he made a point to come barging in the office and telling me and specifically me about it like i was personally running against his party. i actually recorded him once to have proof of him at least screaming at me, so i could check if i was crazy for thinking he had something against me. he frequently called me communist and just mocked my views. if you’re wondering, yes, this is illegal, but nothing happened. 

then, two big things happened at once: we lost the election, and my recently adopted puppy was diagnosed with distemper. yes, it happened on the same that and it’s a day i’ll never forget. 

my girlfriend and i had talked about getting a puppy once we moved in together. we’d named him like two years before it actually happened. we moved in together on may 2019 and on september i found the most precious boy for adoption on facebook and i was innocently all like “oh i’ve had to put rescue dogs for adoption before, let’s give back!”. 

on october 27th, he had a seizure and the vet told us it was likely we’d have to put him down because only 20% of dogs survived, and it was even less for puppies. 

when i went to work, i had to put up with my boss laughing and mocking me for winning the election “against me”. i guess i missed my running for anything?

this post is already too long for me to get into details about my dog’s disease. for months, every day we looked after him constantly. i read everything there was to BE READ about distemper online, spent thousands of pesos on medicine and treatments just in case he had a chance. good news is he did! this is the only positive note in this post. 

it still wasn’t easy. he made us cry at least three times a day. we really thought he was dying, and we’d made the mistake of naming him 2 years before he was even born. we’d taken PERFECT care of him while he was unvaccinated, but the vet told us it was most likely he was already infected before he came home to us. i’d never seen such a small puppy so sick. he hallucinated constantly. if you don’t know, distemper is a neuro/digestive/skin/bone/HELL disease that’s really nasty. he’d have seizures almost daily and poop and pee himself. he stopped being able to control his body other than his two front legs, which he didn’t even have full control of. when he stopped being able to walk, he started crying constantly, it really tore the heart out of my chest

we called another vet, a dog physical therapist, so she’d tell us how we could help him. she told us to make him stand as long as possible, so every time he had a meal, i’d bend down with him and hold his hips - so he’d be able to stand, and slowly gain back some muscle mobility. every day we massaged his legs and flexed his joints, even his tiny toes, so he’d avoid atrophy. and we did it!! as i’m writing this, he’s one year old now, he’s no longer sick even if he’ll carry with him plenty of lifelong sequels, and he walks and runs and barks like the best of them ♥ i wasn’t going to plug anything but if you wanna see his progress, it’s on instagram @hamiltonthefighter

okay, i guess i ended up talking at length about his disease in the end, sorry. his walking again had a price to pay for me: my own back. for two or three months i was bent over this dog, you know? i still can’t get out of bed without help sometimes lol around december it got really bad but i just kept popping pills because joy oh joy, i was doing my thesis and i didn’t really have time or money for anything else. my job was basically paying for our rent, my university classes including the thesis course which was ridiculously expensive, and our dog had given me credit card debt out of desperation (we even had to buy those rubber things used for yoga to place on our floors so he’d have something to use his nails against instead of constantly slipping on the floor, we tried every medication that might help, we gave him CBD oils, all kinds of vitamins, constant vet visits where during the first two weeks he got like three different shots every day, etc)

i’m rambling, and i’m sorry, but i don’t really think anyone will read this. i started this post crying my eyes out and writing about my dog at least has been calming, because even if he’s a drooling mess now, he’s still the same he ever was and i love him very much and he’s sleeping soundly next to me and he’s finally close to fine. 

remember the friend i talked about like half an hour ago? the one that worked with me for six years? nothing changed between us during the first months. for my thesis, i was going to develop a videogame with Mabu, but we were allowed to have external coding help because it was about GameDev, not the actual coding. i knew how to code, obviously, but Nico (the friend, guess we’ll give him a name) was also part of our project so he was gonna help us code so i had more time to focus on art and 3D modelling. the idea was kill two birds with one stone, make something we all liked, mabu and I were going to graduate with it and then we’d keep working on it during 2020 as we’d always always talked about.

by december, even if nico and i still talked regularly, i could tell he had just moved on with his life. he’d said he’d help us, but he was doing his own thesis, so i told him not to worry at that time, our final due date was in february. he asked us to forgive him during december and promised us he’d come back in january to DEVOTE himself to the project. i started coding the project besides working on the art and i was thankfully able to meet all the deadlines, so it was really fine, of course i understood where he was coming from. 

then, on january 7th, Mabu’s grandma passed away. she was scheduled for a heart surgery that supposedly only had 1% risk, and she passed on the table because of a doctor’s mistake. the surgery was here in the capital, but Mabu’s family lives five hours away. she comes from a very big, very loving family, and her grandma (being the mother of five children) was very much the center of it. i also loved her. she’d replaced my grandma the second she passed and every time i saw her she hugged me like i was a lost grandson. 

when my girlfriend called me during her surgery, i immediately left work because i just knew she would be crying if things were okay. this was a nightmare come alive for a family of 20+ people, and most of them were 5 hours away from their own house. my mother in law was (and still is) devastated by the lost of her mother because she was the one to encourage the surgery and she still thinks she killed her. i drove my her, my girlfriend, her sister and her sister’s boyfriend on my mother’s in law van for five hours while they all cried or slept and i had to really, really pinch myself because i was EXHAUSTED but what else could i do? 

logically i missed work the next day. LOGICALLY. i had the service to attend and i was 5 hours away from the office and i didn’t even have my own car with me. i told my boss to discount the day, since i wasn’t entitled to the mourning day by law because it wasn’t my grandma. he didn’t even reply - he almost never talked to me by this point unless it was to berate me for something. i went back to work the day after the service.

now, remember we were doing our thesis and it was due in february? it really wasn’t great timing for anyone to die, but i was trusting Nico’s promise that he’d have more free time and he’d make up for not helping us code sooner. i told him the news about Mabu’s grandma, and then basically had to tell him to say something to her for her loss because he was supposed to be her friend, what the fuck, why aren’t you at least sending her a text.

let’s just say, january wasn’t a great month for Mabu and myself. two weeks after the passing, we still hadn’t had news from Nico. Mabu didn’t even have time to properly mourn because we had to turn our thesis in like, little over a month. i wrote to nico just downright ASKING if he was gonna be able to help us or WHAT, to which he said to me...

he’d never promised anything because he was really busy with his own stuff and he didn’t want to bring it up sooner because he knew Mabu was mourning and things were hard for us at the moment? 

like that’s great pal, thanks for telling me at the last POSSIBLE second you were just dropping out altogether, what the actual fuck? it still baffles me that someone can be so thick headed, but he kept saying he had made no promises and both Mabu and I knew that was a lie and i honestly just couldn’t deal with someone so selfish he couldn’t at least give a heads up sooner

the icing on the cake during the beginning of this year is someone i haven’t even mentined: MY PIECE OF SHIT BROTHER. talking about him may deserve another post, because this is already so long and convoluted and i haven’t even talked about his involvement in my misery during 2019-2020. i’ll try to make the story short if anyone’s still reading this far: 

a lot of years ago, our maternal grandmother moved to uruguay from russia and bought a tiny shitty house here next to my mother’s. my mother still hasn’t talked to me since 2013 because i’m trans, but that’s neither here nor there. i tried to keep in touch with my brother (we don’t share dads so he was no relation with my side of the family), and around 2017 i finally succeeded in making friends with him. or so i thought, clearly. 

that grandmother passed... sometime. i don’t really know because they cut me off. she didn’t speak to me either, she was literally a crazy old nasty woman and i didn’t even care when i heard she’d died, to be honest. she was such a nasty woman, she’d put her tiny shitty house to my and my brother’s name just to keep her own daughter out of the inheritance when she bought it. 

that also meant i was inheriting something for the first time ever, even if it was shitty. BUT my brother had his own fake grandma (the woman who looked after him his whole life instead of our mother) who was very old and frail and asked me if he could house her there. i said yes because again, i didn’t give a shit about the inheritance or the house or anything regarding my mother’s side of the family (other than him obviously), so for years this woman occupied the house. my brother basically took all existing furniture and appliances because he was moving in with a girlfriend and i even loaded up my shitty car with his stuff. all i wanted to inherit was the couch set, which had come all the way from russia and everyone had promised me since i was a wee lad, but he started whining about his fake-grandma not having a living room set and nowhere to sit and i didn’t even live by myself yet so i let them have the fucking couches, too. 

oh boy this is already too long but now i’m too lazy to make a separate post

anyway, sometime during 2019, the woman moved out to an old folks home because she could no longer take care of herself. i immediately asked about the couch set with hope in my heart that it could finally be mine, but my brother told me our mother didn’t want me to have it. 

he wanted to rent the house to make a profit, which sounded good to me because of that dog related credit card debt i talked about. and here’s where you might think i’m not that there in the head, but all my life i didn’t want anything to do with that house until my mother was in the ground - not out of hate but because i thought it was a shitty thing her own mother had done to her, and the inheritance should have been hers. she doesn’t have a degree or a stable job because she’s a russian translator so hey, whatever, they needed it more than i did. but then my brother starting getting ideas about improving the house so we’d make more money, and how we should do it together, and... i think i might have mentioned already why i didn’t exactly have time to redo a house? i was doing my thesis? about to graduate? my boss was constantly on my case? my dog was about to die? 

i helped as much as i could at first, but then december came, and then january, and my brother just kept nagging me about the house like i was purposefuly sitting on my ass doing nothing, because oh every day it’s not rented it’s money lost. no amount of explaining how stretched thin i was seemed to suffice, not even when mabu’s grandma died and nico left us hanging with the thesis and i had less than a month left to code the whole project by myself while ALSO taking care of the art. 

by the end of january, i was so stressed, i called a doctor after a panic attack. he gave me a weeks rest because of my back, because i wasn’t even able to get up without help at that time. it wasn’t much of a rest because i still used that time to sit at the computer and code 15 hours a day at LEAST, but hey. 

it was the first time in 8 years i’d taken medical leave of ANY kind. i didn’t even get medical leave when i got my chest surgery. it happened on a friday and i was back to work the next monday. i’d never skipped more than 2 days of work at best when i had a bad case of the flu or something, but that was it. 

when i went back to work, my boss immediatelly called me to his office. he started berating me about my performance again, bringing graphs comparing the amount of lines of code i’d written next to my coworkers. i didn’t mention this, but the graphic designer had also quit during 2019, so i was also covering that workload and no, that didn’t exactly translate to lines of code. i also had to spend HOURS every day tutoring the junior because he was too much of a cheap shit (didn’t use those words) to hire an experienced developer. i’d even WORKED AS A GRAPHIC DESIGNER FOR MEDIA CONTENT FOR HIS POLITICAL CAREER, EVEN IF IT WAS AGAINST MY BELIEFS AND NOT AT ALL RELATED TO MY JOB. he denied everything. EVERYTHING. he stuck to the narrative that i was just lazy and the proof was i’d just taken AN ENTIRE WEEK because “my back just hurt a little” and i had the audacity to skip work for someone else’s grandmother dying

i’m not exaggerating, i swear to anyone who might be reading this. that day was brutal and i’m still not over it half a year later, i don’t care if that makes me sound like a wuss. i worked eight years of my life in this fucking place. 

this argument lasted for hours, but i kept my head down because i couldn’t afford to lose the job, specially not then. i even apologized for any loss in performance and tried to explain my point of view and what i was going through (which i’d already done to another superior weeks ago anyway). but just when i thought i’d MAYBE be able to keep my head above water, he told me he was denying my the request i’d made to take two weeks of holiday days before the thesis final due date. 

i had already explained everything to him. everything, even nico dropping the team and my having to do everything by myself. i broke down and i told him he was forcing me to leave my job, i’d just have been certified by a doctor and i was asking for leave for SCHOOL (all things that are protected by law here), but he just kept repeating i could either walk away from my job or show up during those two weeks. he just wanted me gone, but he couldn’t fire me right away without having to pay me THOUSANDS because of my seniority (by law). he knew what he was doing to me and he didn’t care about it. he didn’t even let me TOUCH MY COMPUTER, he told me he wasn’t the one pushing me away, that i was doing this to myself, and he’d ask for a lawyer to check my computer for any “inconsistencies in my activity”, even. i really have a hard time just thinking about that day and how utterly humilliating it was. i lost a lot of personal files, because i sat at that desk for eight years and of course i had personal files because sometimes i stayed after hours before going to class. 

imagine for a second a sixty year old man, rich as shit, political candidate, standing in front of a computer, disconnecting the mouse and keyboard so i couldn’t touch it, yelling at me i was doing this to myself and i was losing my job because i had the audacity to ask for two weeks leave to finish my fucking school thesis. 

and yeah, i lawyered up. i didn’t have actual money to AFFORD a lawyer, but mabu’s cousin’s girlfriend was a lawyer and lived one block away and i immediatelly told her everything there was to tell. she brought me to the firm she worked in and they guaranteed me i had a pretty strong case and i was at least gonna be able to walk away with something.

that put things in hold for a while because the “trial” or whatever wasn’t gonna be held until after the thesis, so i tried to forget about it. my boss even owed me my untaken paid vacation days, which i told the lawyers because i was pretty sure he’d just forgot, but i wanted to know if it made a better case against him. they agreed, and i left it at that. 

but you know who was still making my life miserable even when february began and i had less than three weeks to finish our project right? MY SWEET BABY BRO. he was constantly nagging me about having to do all the work himself, like I’D ASKED ANYTHING FROM THAT HOUSE TO BEGIN WITH. but see, the nastier he started getting, the more apparent his lies began to appear. he got nasty to the level where ON THE DAY I WAS TURNING THE PROJECT IN he kept calling me demanding MONEY for stuff he’d paid for the house without checking in with me. i was honestly baffled by his level of selfishness, i was already sleeping three hours a day tops and he expected me to what, paint walls? he was FIERCELY against having to wait for my project to be done even if it was two weeks away and he was asking and asking for money when i’d just told him i’d lost my job without a penny to show for it. nice guy, really. 

suddenly, the following lies became clear: 

 my mother didn’t care if i took the couch set, he told me that because he was moving again and he was planning on taking the couches himself. (he ended up doing just so, too). he lied to me with the thing that hurts me most in the world: my mother hating me. he had even made a joke about it, because my mother had bought a new couch not long ago, and he didn’t “get” why she “didn’t want me to have anything”

 years ago he’d told me he had refinanced a tax debt the house had, and i gave him money for it. now that the house was about to be put up for rent, he pretended that had never happened and suddenly started talking about how we needed to take care of that

 he wasn’t planning on splitting the rent three ways between him, our mother and i. he was gonna keep two thirds, and i later even found out my own mother had given him the idea. 

 then poor mabu confessed to me once, two years ago, she’d wore a skirt one time visiting my brother and his then girlfriend, and he had told her nasty stuff to her year upon saying goodbye and she had never said anything because didn’t want to hurt our sibling relationship 

talk about final nail huh? 

i confronted him and he denied everything, obviously, he instantly played the victim card, how dare i think that way about him, how dare i break his dreams of reuniting the family again. he said things to me i’ll also never forget like, apparently, it shows that i’m a shit person because i have no friends and no one wants me around, unlike him that has so many. he told me i thought the world owed me when i was shit and i believed anything anyone told me before believing him. no one told me any of his lies, i caught them all by myself, but whatever. he cursed me and told me he never wanted anything to do with me because i was rotten and i only cared about money and i was so so selfish. this must have been around march and i still don’t know anything from him, or care.

what do i have to do for that side of the family to leave me alone, i wonder? all i ever wanted to do was be his friend

the “trial” against my boss came and suddenly every lawyer that worked at that firm was taking a fucking holiday except for the one that was supposedly leading my case - except suddenly, i didn’t have much of a case at all. i walked away with less than 2 thousand dollars and that was WITH the vacation days i hadn’t taken. the agreement was the lawyers were gonna keep 25% of however much i made but THAT vacation money wasn’t supposed to count because it didn’t come out of the “trial” thing, you know? 

well, it did. the lawyer screwed me over too. but hey, at least he’d gotten me unemployment for a couple of months (you only apply for unemployment if you’re fired, not if you walk away from a job, and my having been fired or not was what was being contested), i still tried to be optimistic, i had a few months to figure things out while i looked for another job, and at least i was able to finish paying for school with that money.

yeah, this was late february, beginning of march. joke’s on me for being optimistic at all

my own brother plotting with my own mother against me has done a number for my mental health. i already had baggage aplenty, like every trans dude or girl whose parents would rather see them dead than be a dyke/fag (my mother’s own words, ladies and gents)

my boss of eight years kicking me to the curve at the worst moment in my life in the most humilliating of ways while blaming me for it has left me feeling so worthless to people in general. i’m getting better with time, i think, but i’m still all not there. i have a really hard time thinking my work is worth anything at all.

i keep thinking my brother was right, and i’m a shitty friend, and i don’t deserve anyone around. my only real friend at the moment is my girlfriend, which makes it really hard to have any arguments because i start feeling like my life is ending because she’s pretty much all i have left and she’s the most important thing in the world to me because i wouldn’t have survived all this shit i’m writing without her by my side. i would walk to hell and back for her. but nico also left me behind without a second thought, after telling me i was like a brother to him, no matter how many times i invited him to hang out or anything to keep in touch. i’ve been a shitty friend to a lot of people, but not him, and he still didn’t care about me at all, so i just stopped trying. 

but now social distancing has got me all fucked up. i can’t trust people. i can’t go outside. everything is scary to me, i have at least two or three panic attacks per WEEK and they get nastier and longer every time. i know i need help, but i can’t even afford rent, let alone therapy. Uruguay has the worst unemployment rates since 2006 now thanks to our baby-Trump right now. i look for jobs daily even if the notion of having a job even SIMILAR to the one i had before gives me the shakes. programming isn’t as hard as some people may think, but the workplaces are usually VERY toxic because you’re valued by the amount of lines of code you write, and i’m so so tired. i’m still looking because I NEED. TO. PAY. RENT. but not because it’s something i want in life, at all. i’d much rather be poor and just do freelance work instead, but i’m failing.

i thank the people that have helped me or commissioned me these past few months from the bottom of my heart. i’m sorry i’m not more active, i’m sorry i’m still rusty and can’t draw faster, i’m sorry i sometimes spend half a day crying my eyes out because i just don’t know how to move forward. i have a week left, i still haven’t made enough for rent, let alone the bills or food. mabu used to get plenty of art commissions on etsy, but she hasn’t sold anything since march either and she’s younger than me so our financial struggles have an even deeper impact on her

i’m just so, so tired. i’m lucky to have mabu, and that is about it. i honestly don’t think i could have survived this year without her. for months the future has looked like a black screen to me. i can’t even trust the vegetable market in front of my fucking house because some piece of shit spread the rumor that i’m trans and now i can’t even open the door to my front house without getting stares sometimes, it’s ridiculous. i wish i could trust more than one person in the world so that everything wasn’t on her shoulders.

i’m not okay. we’re not okay.

that’s about it. i’m sorry i can’t end this on a more positive note. at least we graduated with an excellent score. not that we had a graduation, obviously. thanks corona.

thank you for reading if you read this far ♥

[dreamlover31]

Love Will Find a Way: Chapter 8

After six weeks of being placed on bed rest while at the same time, receiving the royal treatment from her soft hearted boyfriend, in which there were daily foot and back rubs, sensuous sponge baths and his long, slender fingers stimulating her inner core; Alexa was given the all clear to return to work. As soon as she walked through the door, she was welcomed by an entourage of all the staff members, as well as the people who sought help there, they all clapped and cheered at the sight of her.

At one point, some of the children came up to her and presented her with drawings they had worked on while she was in the hospital, a smile beamed across her face as she looked at the various works of art. Out of everyone that showed up, the one person she wanted to see the most was Nicole, Alexa found out through Olivia that she tried to visit her in the hospital, but the overwhelming guilt she felt caused her to flee before anyone saw her.

Alexa searched the crowd of people with a hope that she’d come back after everything that had happened, she was about to turn away towards the small table that had a large cake on top of it that read ‘Welcome Back Alexa’ when she heard a small voice:

“Alexa”

As she slowly turned towards the sound, her eyes went wide at the person that stood before her.

“Nicole…”

The two women stared at each other as if they were old friends who had not seen one another in a long time, Alexa stepped forward and placed both of her hands on Nicole’s shoulder, fearing that she might tear off and run away again. Instead, Nicole leapt forward towards Alexa and wrapped her arms around her, Alexa gently soothed her back as she began to cry.

“I’m so sorry, it’s all my fault”

“No it’s not, don’t you ever think that”

“If I hadn’t left him then none of this would have happened”

Alexa slowly released Nicole from her embrace then cupped her face as she looked straight into her eyes and said:

“If you had stayed with that…monster, then you would be dead…listen to me, no one blames you for what happened to me or to Edwin, this is all on him and he can’t hurt you anymore. You’re finally free.”

Nicole nodded as she wiped the tears streaming down her face, then came another round of applause from everyone in the crowd, this time to celebrate Nicole for surviving such a horrific ordeal and to making peace with Alexa. The day of celebration continued with the consumption of the delicious chocolate decadence cake that was Alexa’s favorite and the cool refreshing taste of fruit punch, she watched with joy as the children played various games such as duck, duck, goose and pin the tail on the donkey while the adults danced hilariously badly to one of Katy Perry’s old songs being played on the radio. She was even more thrilled to see Nicole laughing and socializing with the other women, this was the beginning of a new chapter in her life and Alexa was proud to have played a part in it.

As the party was winding down, Alexa could see that the day’s activities were taking its toll on the children, so she suggested that the mothers take them back to their rooms to let them sleep, she watched as one by one the small bodies were being carried off; she would give a small wave to the ones that had their eyes open for a little bit. After most of the people had left, Alexa started to clean up some of the mess that was left behind until she felt a hand on her shoulder, when she looked behind her, she saw that it was Gladys.

“Hey don’t worry about that, I’ve got this”

“No it’s ok, I don’t mind the work”

“Lex, you’re the guest of honor and it’s considered rude to have them clean up afterward”

“Alright…I’ll just head into my office and catch up on some paperwork”

“Honey, you’ve been though a traumatic ordeal. You need some time away from all this, why don’t you and that boyfriend of yours get of town for a while, recharge your batteries and then you can bury yourself in your work”

“Gladys I appreciate your concern, but I’ve spent the last six weeks in bed so I’m ready to get back in the saddle”

“Lex you haven’t taken a vacation in what…four years, it’s time you focused on yourself instead of everyone else”

Alexa paused for a moment as she thought about Gladys’ suggestion, maybe she has a point, I haven’t really been taking care of myself…I’ve been so busy with making sure that everyone else’s needs were taken care of that I really haven’t considered my own.

“Alright, I’ll do it”

“Oh great, I thought I was going to have to deadbolt the locks on every door just to keep you out”

The two women laughed whole heartedly as Alexa pulled out her cell phone from her purse, she scrolled through her list of contacts and found Rafael’s number, she typed away at her keypad as she relayed a text message telling him to come over to her place for dinner tonight; that she had something important to tell him. As soon as the message was sent, she looked up at Gladys who gazed at her with a smirk; Alexa returned with a grin of her own.

“So not that you’ve got me out of here for a while, you have any suggestions as to where I should go on my vacation”

“My cousin has a house on the beach in the Rockaways, she and her husband are out of town visiting relatives so you can stay there and enjoy the scenery”

“And they’re going to be ok with two strangers in their house”

“They know you but it might take a little sweet talking with regards to your boyfriend. Anyway, I’ll call and make the arrangements and I’ll drop the key off at your place when everything’s sorted out”

“Alright, thanks Gladys”

They embraced themselves in a hug as Alexa wrapped up a little to go plate for her and Rafael, she waved good bye to Gladys as she headed out the door. When she arrived back at her apartment, she could see that Rafael wasn’t home yet, she checked her phone earlier but had not received a response to her text. She pulled off her jacket and hung it on the coat rack and then sat her purse on the couch as she made her way towards the bedroom, she quickly changed into a pair of black leggings and a grey shirt as she walked back into the living room where she stretched out on the couch. With the remote in her hand, she began to flip through the channels as she wrapped the blanket that laid across the couch around her, it was then that she heard a beep coming from her purse.

With her phone in hand, she looked at the screen and saw that it was a text from Rafael, in his message he apologized for not getting back to her sooner and that he maybe a couple hours late coming over there. Alexa responded by telling him that it was not a problem for her and that she understood, she also told him that she was going to have dinner ready for him when he got there. After the message was sent, Alexa lifted herself off from the couch and made her way into the kitchen where she took out the necessary tools and ingredients she needed for the meal she was preparing.

Several hours passed after she had sent Rafael that text, she placed his dinner in the microwave and was now back on the couch reading a book, Alexa became deterred from the entrancing storyline by the sound of a key turning the lock to her door. She showed a small smile as she saw the person whom she had been waiting for come strolling through the door, after he put his briefcase by the coat rack, Rafael looked up and winced at Alexa. As he stood in front of her, he gave her a small peck on her forehead and then pressed his against hers.

“How was your day?”

“It was great, everyone at the shelter threw me a welcome back party”

“Oh that was nice of them”

“Yeah I’ll tell you about it, but first you should eat something, I left your dinner in the microwave”

“Thank you”

Rafael kissed her forehead again and then entered the kitchen, after re-heating his meal, he grabbed a dish towel from the counter as well as a fork and a knife then joined Alexa on the couch. Once his plate was cleared with nothing but a few crumbs in its wake, Rafael closed his eyes as he leaned backward on the couch, he felt Alexa snuggle up to him as he let out a soft sigh; the scent of her cherry blossom perfume filled his nostrils while she gently rubbed his belly.

“You worked up quite an appetite huh?”

“Well unfortunately my diet consists of nothing but caffeine”

Alexa lightly giggled as she continued to stroke his midsection and burrowed herself further into him.

“Did you have fun at the party?”

“Yeah it was a blast, the kids there drew me all kinds of pictures…one of them was of me wearing a cape and punching out a bad guy”

Rafael smirked as his thumb gently circled Alexa’s upper left arm.

“But that wasn’t the best part…the best part was seeing Nicole there, she felt so guilty about what happened that she was afraid to visit me in the hospital, she thought that I’d blame her or that everyone else would”

“But it wasn’t her fault”

“I know and that’s what I told her…I’ll tell you Rafi just seeing her smile and laugh and enjoy herself just makes me even more determined to continue my work there”

“I know and that’s what I love about you…so what was it that you wanted to tell me”

“Oh Gladys insisted I take some time off to get my mind right before I officially return to work”

“I think that’s a great idea”

“Yeah I think so too, so she’s going to talk to her cousin and her husband to see if we can use their house in the Rockaways while they’re away, unless you already have other plans”

“I think I can clear my schedule for a weekend getaway with you”

Alexa looked up at Rafael and the two of them shared matching smiles before pressing their lips against each other to signify the level of happiness they shared at the thought of going away together; no court dates, no jilted partners, no worries.

Tagging: @madpanda75 @laceybellerain @tropes-and-tales @teamsladsandgents @thatesqcrush @southern-magnolia @madamsnape921 @karens-imagined-world @beccabarba @itsjustmyfantasyroom @glimmerglittergirl