#cw possible mention of suicide

[i-am-a-fish]

I'm very sorry to ask something like this, I've really been struggling with this question, and I wanted to ask the combined wisdom of the people on this site

I would like to know why you keep going, and what drives you to keep living. I know there are a lot of reasons to stay alive and enjoy life, I can think of a few that personally resonate with me, but I really want to know what your reasons are

You do not have to comment on this if that's too big of an ask, and I'm very sorry for asking something like this, I really need someone's help, I feel like I don't have much purpose

Also if I may ask, please don't post any suicidal ideation in the comments of this post, I really can't handle something like that right now

[daily-crabbys]

This Friday's meme is: you always do this

[jakeperalta]

not to be dramatic but um. how do people work full time their whole lives without killing themselves

[queenoftheimps]

Why I Think The Season 2 Finale Is Gonna Be Even Rougher Than We Anticipate

Something I am increasingly worried about as we approach the Interview with the Vampire season finale:

What if Louis knows that he doesn't know everything? What if that's what he prefers?

Most of the audience suspects Armand was involved in the trial. Daniel definitely does. There's clues already there that this is the case. I've seen chatter online about how next week will, presumably, be when Louis realizes the truth and splits with Armand.

...however. When Louis confronts Armand about his memories of 1973, Armand tells him Louis asked him to erase them. Louis initially pushes back, but seems to accept this.

Except: why would you ever accept that as an explanation -- unless you knew that it's something you would do? Or possibly even something you'd done already?

Armand, as suspicious as he is, has been laying some groundwork that Louis is deliberately taking part in altering his own memories: "The pages we tore out of Claudia's diaries -- we did most of those together!" Which Louis seems to confirm is true.

I think part of the issue is that Louis' evasiveness is being attributed to a desire to protect Armand & continue seeing him as the love of his life. And it may be true to some extent. But also -- I think it's at least partly to protect Louis from the weight of his own guilt over Claudia's death.

Because if Armand is guilty -- if he has been plainly, obviously guilty for decades, if Daniel can catch it from third-hand evidence 70 years later -- and it happened because he wanted to have Louis to himself, how do you even process that? How do you handle knowing that Claudia died a horrific death because of a romance she herself called you out on? After she told you that this man threatened her and you denied it?

Hell, how do you process it when she's condemned by testimony from someone you failed to kill? When Louis tries to convince Daniel that he really did intent to kill Lestat, that Claudia was the one who couldn't burn him, is it because he can't handle feeling responsible for Lestat being alive to testify against her?

Truthfully, I wouldn't really blame Louis for not being able to handle that level of guilt, and we know he winds up spending several years draining drug addicts as a coping method before ultimately attempting suicide. Being able to forget all of it, and forget that you'd forgotten them, would be appealing. (And I think it's noteworthy that Louis only seems to be willing to question Armand about his memories of 1973, which occurred well after Claudia died.)

That said: I have concerns about what this is going to mean for present-day Dubai.

Daniel clearly can tell something is up and is gunning to dig in. But Louis keeps shutting him down hard. ("Armand sold you out-..." "I'm talking now.")

We also have seen what happens when Daniel digs into something that Louis really doesn't want to talk about. When he asks for Claudia's missing pages, Louis deliberately seems to trigger his Parkinson's. When Daniel makes comments about Lestat's letter, Louis starts digging into Daniel's memories of Alice (which also seems to worsen Daniel's tremors, though that may not be deliberate).

So what happens if he starts pushing in on something that Louis has gone to great, deliberate lengths to forget about? Something that ties into the worst event of Louis' life, something he still feels tremendous guilt over?

Raglan James' line about "You fear Armand. You should fear the other one" feels like a shoe that hasn't been dropped yet. I've been pretty steadily predicting that Daniel is going to have some sort of massive medical issue in the penthouse, but I'm slowly wondering if Louis may be what triggers it (possibly by accident). Hell, I even kind of wonder if Armand suspects something like this could happen, which is part of why he's been so adamant about always being nearby, cosplaying as Rashid so he can run in whenever Louis gets upset.

I don't know, I would love for the finale to be as easy and simple as "Daniel helps Louis see that Armand is guilty, Louis dumps Armand". But this show has never been about easy, simple situations so I suspect we're in for a rough time.

[saltpepperbeard]

getting so emotional over the fact that ed was fully ready to give up, and was entirely convinced that there was no point of continuing on anymore, and now he's peacefully residing in a little seaside inn with the love of his life.

[thefandomenchantress]

Okay so. I’m currently working on a post that has this detail in it, but the post is really long and what I’m sharing now is at the end. And I don’t really expect a lot of people to through what’s probably 1,000+ words to get to it. I talked about it another time, but I don’t think it really got seen because it was a reblog. So I’m sharing it here, because I think it’s actually pretty important and should be talked about.

During Ace’s testimony about David and Arei, Arei says this:

Which makes sense by itself. We the audience know Arei would definitely say that, now that we know what happened in the Infirmary with Eden and Arei.

But remember. This is Ace’s testimony. And, well, there’s something that makes this very suspicious.

Ace doesn’t think Arei wants to change before he gives his testimony.

But he should. If we believe his testimony.

According to him, he heard her say that she wanted to change and “become a good person”. To be like Eden. And yet, he doesn’t believe Eden earlier in the trial when she says that Arei wanted to change, before he hears the story about Eden, Arei, and Arturo.

Which gives us four options, listed from worst to best (based on my opinions of course):

Option 1: The creator made a mistake and forgot Ace was supposed to know about Arei becoming a good person. I hate this answer, it’s such a cop-out. I hate assuming a creator made a mistake just because I don’t understand a piece of evidence or it doesn’t fit with my current view of something. I hesitate to even include this as an option. (This came out a bit aggressive sorry I just got a little passionate).

Option 2: Ace is a dumbass and didn’t remember that Arei said that until he said his testimony. While I don’t really like this one, either, since it’s also just a way of saying it’s irrelevant and doesn’t impact anything, I suppose it does sorta fit with Ace’s ‘act first, think second’ attitude.

Option 3: Ace is the culprit and jumped on the ‘Arei committed suicide’ bandwagon when he saw a chance to avoid most of the trial. I don’t really believe this one, but it is a viable option, I suppose. Though if he was the culprit, I don’t really understand why he wouldn’t share the David secret info immediately just to throw David under the bus and hope everyone voted for him.

Option 4: My personal favorite. Ace lies in his testimony. That’s why the information in it is inaccurate and why it seems like he hastily tried to add in details he recently learned from things like Eden’s testimony without considering the fact that the way he acted earlier wouldn’t make sense if he already overheard things about them. I’ll explain a little further.

The reason I believe this one the most, is also because of David’s reaction to Ace’s testimony.

He doesn’t say “No, Ace is lying” but he also doesn’t say “Yes, Ace is correct and his testimony is true.” Instead, he does something very interesting. He confirms that Arei and him met in the relaxation room…But refuses to admit that Ace is right about the conversation they had. Instead he avoids the question and says he isn’t going to remember anymore.

Which is really weird? Right before this he went on a big speech about just admitting the truth to preserve his pride. And this is backed up later when he refuses to be called the culprit—Well, until he realizes that’s the only way to get the class to realize he’s not the culprit. Or decides he wants to die. And yet, David refuses to say Ace told the truth about his and Arei’s conversation. Which he should be doing! Like I said, he went on a tangent about how he was just going to admit the truth right before this!

Which leads one to believe that Ace told the truth about David and Arei meeting in the relaxation room. But he changed the conversation they had in some way.

I think that’s the most agreeable part of the theory. The most believable, because it has the most evidence backing it up. However, Ace’s reasons for doing what he did, and what he changed in his testimony, are where things get a little messier.

Ace could’ve changed the story so that he could throw David under the bus, since David was trying to throw a bit of suspicion on him beforehand. But that still leaves the question of why. I’m gonna do a bit of repeating from my last theory, just for a little bit. Then we get back to some new stuff.

I’m going to go under the assumption that Ace changed the conversation to be about David’s secret, when in reality it was about something else, since I think that makes the most sense. (I recognize there are probably other avenues one could take, however). But if Ace knew David’s secret without overhearing it, he could’ve just said, “Hey, I know David’s secret, it’s the manipulator one! I know because *insert reasons Arei gave in the flashback, minus seeing it over Whit’s shoulder*” and that would be the end of it.

But Ace didn’t do that. Under this theory, he made up a whole conversation to justify why he knew. And I think it’s pretty simple to see why he did that.

Ace doesn’t want to die.

Ace just almost got murdered. He’s not too eager for that to happen again, so he wants to take all precautions to avoid it. People already don’t like him, so that’s not good. But what happens if people find out he’s observant enough to figure out David’s secret by himself, just from watching David’s behavior throughout the chapter? Currently, everyone thinking he’s an idiot when it comes to basically everything is working in his favor for once, since when trying to get away with murder, you’d probably want to murder the people who could potentially solve it. Not an incompetent asshole who’ll probably just make things easier for you. The only time this doesn’t apply is when the murder is more of a crime of passion, so to speak, like Nico’s. Where they, by their own admission, didn’t even think about the trial before they tried to murder.

So if Ace wants the best chance of avoiding becoming a future victim and revealing David’s secret, he can’t admit he found out on his own…And what better way to circumvent that than pin the blame on someone who’s already dead and can’t object to his story, like Arei? Better yet, he can just use the location and set-up he already saw, just change their conversation so that they said what he wanted!

Do you really think he left his story so open-ended on accident?

He purposely left it up to interpretation as to whether David was actually as evil as the secret says, because Ace himself doesn’t actually know if he is. He gives David the opportunity to reveal that the secret was exaggerated because he has no way of knowing if it is or not. He knows David manipulates people, like how he did so to make sure his real secret wasn’t revealed. But is he truly as pure evil as the secret makes him out to be? Ace doesn’t know.

Also, this line?

“I’m right, aren’t I?” This might be confirmation bias talking, but this just straight-up sounds to me like he’s saying, “I’m right, that is your secret and all those things I had ‘Arei’ say were true, weren’t they?”

Again, this isn’t my strongest point, but Ace in this case wasn’t really ‘right’. If anything, Arei was right because she accused David. Ace would only be right if he figured out his secret, which he didn’t according to his testimony.

But maybe I’m looking into this line too much. “I’m right and what I said happened actually happened” may just be the meaning. Moving on.

(Ace accidentally predicted the Literature Girl Insane video hehe).

With this theory in mind, Ace expected David to explain his behavior a multitude of ways, but completely changing his demeanor and just becoming a major asshole? He did not expect that.

This is on more of a light-hearted note, but:

This scene would be very fitting and kinda hilarious in retrospect if this theory were true. Ace is appalled by J’s comment because the part about him eavesdropping on a conversation was literally the only part of his testimony that was true, yet J finds it the most suspicious. And J’s habit of assuming the worst of people has been used for comedic effect before, so it’s possible.

Anyways, I think that’s all. The first part, about inconsistencies in Ace’s story, is probably the most relevant, and my theorizing afterwards was more so just my opinion on things and what I think happened.

I said I thought people wouldn’t read a long post, so I made a new one…But then the new post turned really long…Whoops.

[jamietarttsnorthernattitude]

Six Seven Eight Nine Ten Eleven Twelve Thirteen Fourteen Fifteen Sentence Sunday

Trying something, but I'm not sure if it's going to work or if it'll end up in the final story, but here it is.

Somedays, he didn’t know how to feel like a real person. Somedays, he never left that basement in Kansas. Part of Ted died that day with his father, leaving him doing his best Pinocchio impression of trying to act like a real boy.  Somedays, it worked. Somedays, Ted ended up turning into a donkey. So, to help, he developed mantras.  Be curious, not judgemental.  Forgive people.  Don’t give up.  Never let people question how you feel about them.  Somewhere along there he forgot how to just be Ted. Somewhere along there he forgot to meet people where they were. Somewhere along there he forgot all people are different people. Somewhere along there he forgot that Jamie needed something different than the other fellas. Somewhere along there, he forgot he was supposed to be a coach and not just an extra in the Zava show. Somewhere along there, he failed at all of it.

[multi-lefaiye]

was talking with the other folks in the into darkness campaign yesterday about our characters' reputations in their first lives, if they had them, and i realized that eden may very likely be the subject of an in-universe true crime/unsolved mysteries podcast.

[ferretpup]

tw for possible abuse, sexual innuendos for the purpose of telling the story, brief mention of suicidal ideation on another's person's part, and other things i'm not quite sure need trigger warnings but just in case tread with caution

sometimes i feel as if i don't have the right to call myself "traumatized" specifically in terms of my last romantic relationship. there are things i did that i'm not proud of, but i did them because i thought that was what i needed to do to keep my partner alive since he threatened to off himself multiple times when we had disagreements. he would always ask for compromising content and the one time i agreed it lead to something that i regret deeply because i didn't want to do it and he knew that. maybe it was my fault idk. no is a powerful word that i should've used more. and it's scary because i feel like i'm an imposter hiding behind the "i didn't consent" argument to cover up weird behavior, but i stood my ground the best i could and i didn't want to be the cause of someone's suicide because i wouldn't send him suggestive pictures. it probably was my fault.

[some-teeth-in-a-trench-coat]

(context)

I reached tag limit on that one but I wanna talk more about the two realizations I had during it (but also I'm super tired and this will be short)

First the Judaism thing cuz. Huh. I guess I do actually do a bunch of stuff I didn't even mention all the little ways it defines my routines. It's been over three years and I still don't have a rabbi and my ADHD makes it so bloody hard to even get the bare minimum progress done by writing a freaking email. Which leads to the ADHD self hating spiral we all know and loathe. But at least I keep kosher. At least I wear my kipa. At least I say Mode Ani and Hamotzi and Shehakol (and other applicable brakha on the very rare occasion that I actually eat a plant that still looks like a plant). At least I color code my kitchen and separate meat and dairy. At least I wash my hands before bread and at least I don't travel on Shabbat and at least I let little pieces of Judaism shape my days. I have a long way to go and I'm going much slower than I like. But. I'm not where I started. Where I started, keeping kosher, even just excluding pork, seemed impossible. Now it's my daily routine I don't think about.

Secondly and less significantly I suppose. I think I described my NPD the nicest way I've ever heard thanks to that post. It's about love actually. Yes I'm constantly in need of attention and acknowledgement of my abilities and yes I have unfair hierarchies in my head that always put me on top and yes NPD interferes with my ability to function in various ways. But! It's about love actually. Many of my friends throughout the years have seen me as very affectionate and to some I've been very very affectionate. Why? It wad narcissism. They paid attention to me and praised me and I loved them. If you give me attention I am full of love. And what is attention anyway? I like it in weird ways and more than others but most people want and need it to some extent because social animal. And that's love too, isn't it? NPD is about love actually (JOKE. EXAGGERATION. MANY PARTS ARE NOT SO NICE THAT'S WHY IT'S A DISORDER I AM NOT TRIVIALIZING THE DISORDER) (personally I am the epitome of a "sore loser" if you make me lose and I can't blame you for cheating or claim I wasn't trying I will want to kill everyone in the room and then myself and that part is barely an exaggeration I cope by never ever competing at anything I can lose)

[fourteentheart]

So Miqo has definitely told Gaius about what happened to Quintus. Probably warned him they had not cleaned up the scene yet, too. I’ve been wondering how Gaius would react to it during their first trip to Garlemald to help with restoration efforts... Funny enough, one will have to know and accept the following headcanons: 1) Gaius grows out his facial hair sometimes and 2) he wears a northsea coat custom made at Miqo’s request lol

“Did you know him?”

“No.” In a way, I knew him very well.

[autistic-katara]

they should make those things u take to stop period cramps but like to stop the insane mood swings cause hooooolllllyyyyy fuck i’m experiencing some crazy emotions on the one day a year i allowed myself to kms

[jiangshinigami]

Oh... this is heart-wrenching

[software-instxbility]

I hate that i can’t go more than 1h1/2-2h without him

He’s my everything and i actually feel like I’m dead if I’m not talking to him and it is NOT fun (and if not dead, empty and nonexistent) (he’s my anchor to this realm frfr)

On the other hand though it’s good bc it means i love him intensely and will never be the one who’ll break up 😎 (bc I’d kill myself without him) (/hj) (unless…)

[giantkillerjack]

Several things!

Crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous! [this credit has also been added to the original version of the post]

Thank you to @nathleeng for pointing out that the word is difficult to parse for dyslexic people. From here on out in my public posts, I'm going to write it as "hLep," to make it easier to read. I'm also going to color code it! -> Help vs. hLep. [This change has also been edited into the original post, found here.]

It's often impossible to cater to every disability at the same time, but that doesn't mean I can't do my best to include as many people as possible! Let me know how I can still do better!

🙃🌸 The most common comment on this post is "my mom does this to me all the time". 🌸🙃😬

The full range of responses to this post truly drive home how often hLep can be worse than nothing at all, and how even "small" instances of hLep ensure that the disabled person doesn't feel safe reaching out to the hLeper even in life-threatening emergencies.

Because the truth about hLep - the truth about every kind of ableism - Is that it kills people. It has, it does, and it will again. And we (disabled people) just have to live with that knowledge every day! That's why it is so terrifying when I feel that someone I am relying on is unable to fully understand the true stakes of ableism. - It genuinely feels like they don't truly care about my ability to stay alive.

Thank fuck for the Helpers in my life who believe what I have to say, listen to my limits/wants/and needs, and never act like they somehow can't understand basic instructions.

Actually being Helped and also Helping people myself is so good because it teaches me that the hLep I received in the past was actually as wrong as it felt, and it makes me better able to recognize it and advocate for myself in the future!

Also, because this has come up repeatedly, I wanted to point out that there are some hLepers who can be taught how to treat you better. And if you have the energy for that, great! You deserve the best possible Help you can get, and your relationship with that person is probably stronger for it!

But there are others who, instead of taking responsibility for their behavior, will endlessly drain your limited energy and even traumatize and endanger you as you try to get them to treat you better again and again. And this says so much more about them than it does about you.

And maybe these people you can't seem to break through to are people who love you! Maybe they really do want what's best for you! - But those things are useless without respect. And you deserve to be treated well without having to go through eternally begging for marginally better treatment at the cost of your own wellbeing and sanity. If you have to beg for someone to please treat you just a tiny bit better.... that's... fucking bad. That person has fucked up. I mean, they have seriously seriously fucked up.

My therapist and I recently spoke about the phenomenon of being seemingly unable to teach people to be less ableist, no matter how good my communication skills or how many times I tried. We read through this article together, which was helpful to me.

I swear to kindness, there are people on this Earth for whom treating you well and accommodating your disability is NOT EVEN A QUESTION.

I am one of those people. My wife and my friends are those people. If you meet me IRL and you need accommodations in order to be included, then I am simply going to do my damndest for you, no questions asked. I don't need a medal or your guilt or your apologies or even your diagnosis. I just need to know what you need.

I hope dearly that if you don't have access to kind and Helpful people in your life right now, that you stay alive long enough for them to find you or vice versa. I hope you stick around because I want you here and I don't need to know you to know that.

I hope for every worst-case scenario you consider, you at least acknowledge that it is also technically possible for a happy ending to occur someday so long as you are still living. If it is possible for any of us, even remotely, then it is possible for you too. Those who fall are not to blame for it. But please, as much as you can, remember that you and I might get out of this alive. And when we do, I'll be saving you a seat.

And finally, to the people who are reblogging this with "oh no I've probably done this to someone before; I gotta avoid doing that in the future!" -> YES. GOOD. YOU GENUINELY GIVE ME HOPE. GO FORTH AND CONTINUE DOING YOUR BEST TO BE KIND. I APPRECIATE YOUR BEAUTIFUL CAPACITY FOR GROWTH AND I HOPE TO BE AS BRAVE WHEN NEXT I RECOGNIZE MY OWN NEED TO LEARN AND GROW

Edit: even more thoughts on the subject, based on the patterns I see in the responses to this post. - You'll have to forgive me if I repeat myself: I have been conditioned to be terrified of people willfully misinterpreting small incongruencies in my speech and turning them against me. I WONDER WHERE THAT COULD HAVE COME FROM.

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hlep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you ask for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hlep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hlep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it helps reinforce the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hleper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

[captainschaos]

not to vent post on tumblr dot com after a stint of weird activity but does anyone else find it so fucking weird that we live in an era of simultaneously having a whole joke format about how suicide jokes are bad but also watching kys jokes SKYROCKET. like idk if this is just a thing I hadn't noticed before and I'm the issue but