#cuz we keep truckin

[serennes-art]

art summaries for 2023 (bc i didn't upload it last year) as well as 2024, this year

[stonerzelda]

bro i am having a meltdown over this for real lawl lets hope i at least manage an hour of sleep tn o7

[benjinkies]

the amount of sexual shame i have is on par with catholic guilt but i wasn’t raised religious i just grew up fat

[sh4rkh4ts]

hiiii, just wanted to let you know that the diabetes GoFundMe you rbed is a scam. This exact scam is rampant on diabetic Tumblr unfortunately, scammers know that they can just say that they're low on insulin and people will donate because they know how dire it can be. Both the blog and post were made on February 16th but the picture they posted is from March 26th. Looking at the blog it took them 2 hours from their first post to post the donation link and it's also pretty apparent that they just scrolled through a trending tag and reblogged the first 10 posts to make it look like they're an actual person. They also say that their blood sugar is high but the image they posted shows 124mg/dl which is within the normal bg range. A person with diabetes would know that that isn't a dangerous level but people without diabetes or relationships with people who do wouldn't know that so it gets distorted. The name on the Paypal is also entirely different than the name on the link tree and the image in the header is a completely different man than the one shown on the link tree. A lot of actual donation posts and cries for help from the diabetes tags get stolen and reposted by scammers and I recently even saw 2 scammers steal each other's posts and start a war about it. Its really sad that we have to dig through people's blogs to find out if a cry for help is real or not but if we don't then actual diabetics who are in this situation will get drowned out. I hope you have a really good day, keep on truckin'

Hey anon,

Thanks for the heads up. Couldn't verify the blog stuff cuz its already been deleted but I imagine thats a bit sus as is.

I genuinely appreciate you approaching me in a respectful manner about this and reminding me to do my due diligence. I do be gettin a little sloppy sometimes.

Took the time to confirm the diabetes stuff too. You have a good day too, keep it up.

[selfdiagnosedeyemotif]

CHARACTER ASK THING!!!

Olberic, Cyrus, Ori and Agnea!!!!!

PEACE AND LOVE ON PLANET EARTH!!!

Olberic:

Favourite Thing: in love with this man's theme. we love brass instruments in this household

Least Favourite Thing: not a huge fan of monarchies but the guy's allowed to serve whoever he wants to serve

Favourite Line: i'm not super deep into his story so i'm gonna have to go with "I wreak havoc upon thee!" from when he uses Brand's Thunder

brOTP: brOTP isn't the right word for it but i love his dynamic with Phillip. certified little guy and his insanely powerful knight mentor

OTP: Erhardt i guess? i think there's some worthwhile stuff there but i'm not sure if i'd prefer it romantically

nOTP: Cyrus, on the grounds that i am a firm believer in aroace/romance averse Cyrus

Random Headcanon: he has tried thrice to ride a horse. thrice he has failed.

Unpopular Opinion: gonna have to hold off on this one because i don't really know enough about him to formulate something of that variety

Song: military marches in general, which bears with it three distinct possible options: good, good, and deeply unfortunate (in order. anyone with any knowledge of the last one will be able to tell you why it's so unfortunate).

Favourite Picture: i think his depiction in the Break, Boost, and Beyond album art is beyond fun because just:

all of the modernized outfits are fun but Olberic gets an octopus jacket, sick shades, AND a bass. cool levels are off the damn charts

Cyrus:

Favourite Thing: gonna sound like a damn nerd but the themes he represents. Professor Cyrus Albright is a representation of the progression of humanity as it marches ever forward (his story culminates in refuting Lucia's ivory-tower offer), and i've been carrying his final monologue with me ever since i first heard it

Least Favourite Thing: the "too pretty for his own good" bit is kinda lame. its not bad and it can be funny, but its very middling

Favourite Line: "I teach my students with the expectation that one day, they will surpass me.", because again, i LOVE the themes of Cyrus's story and that line summarizes them perfectly

brOTP: odette. just a couple of odd birds that can't stand each other but are also besties.

OTP:

nOTP: everyone. next question.

Random Headcanon: i think that he has a background both in theatre and in orchestra, and took them both as minors when he got his degree in history

Unpopular Opinion: his lack of an arc is not only not detrimental to his character, but i'm GLAD that they didn't give him one. giving him an arc was unnecessary for his story and would have detracted from what made it great (the themes. them's some tasty themes)

Song: again just waltzes in general, but also Queen from Deltarune and William Shamspeare ~ Back-Alley Bard from The Great Ace Attorney

Favourite Picture: this piece of fanart by @/meansary

Ori:

Favourite Thing: I FUCKING LOVE ORI. CAN'T SAY A DAMN THING ABOUT HER FROM AN ANALYTICAL ANGLE BUT OOOUUUGH. anyways i love the fact that she lives!!!! she's just scarcely able to turn her eyes away from the void!!! she realises that she wants to live before its too late!!!

Least Favourite Thing: no official art and we are thus limited to her sprite for design cues. alas.

Favourite Line: "So taking a step back, what Partitio did is impossible. Unimaginable. Inconceivable.", from her journal. its just. oh my god. its the moment you can see the the Moonshade Order is starting to lose its grip on her. she's in denial about it, but its these sentences that began the process of her saving her life. "I wish i had a lifetime to report on your shenanigans" and the moment Partitio convinces her to flee from Roque in his chapter 4 are both also very tasty and good

brOTP: Partitio is the cop-out answer to this one, but im also fascinated by what her dynamic with Ochette might be cuz like. symbolic representation of all the themes of hope that has seen humanity do terrible things but keeps on truckin' + person that is only beginning to accept that maybe life isn't such a curse after all is a very cool combination

OTP: Partitio by proxy. dont ship it, dont intend to ship it (partitio has some aro energy to me but hey thats just me), but i do not deny that it is certainly a thing

nOTP: no standouts in this category.

Random Headcanon: Ori hasn't had good food in years as a result of the whole "if i'm gonna die anyways, there's no point in enjoying this" mentality that was clearly trapping her in the Moonshade Order, and the first time she had a good bowl of soup was positively life-changing for her. she started trying to cook for herself shortly thereafter

Unpopular Opinion: not unpopular by any stretch of the imagination but it does run counter to one (1) person i've seen, but i think she deserves to, and can, make a full recovery. no shade on the person who wrote that super cool fic in which she was tormented by hallucinations of her brother and said in the fic description that they didnt think she'd recover, but that ain't for me

Song: she's so No Children by The Mountain Goats coded. there's always one guy

Favourite Picture: this delightful number by @/nicandragon, specifically the one in the bottom right corner

it's a very... vivid and evocative depiction of the final moments before she nearly dies, and there's a kind of beauty in that.

Agnea:

Favourite Thing: the Song of Hope! it was a fun detail to make the choices you made throughout the journey show up in her chapter five, and it's like. such a fun thing to incorporate into her story. i love it when characters create art (also the track itself is a banger)

Least Favourite Thing: the pitch of her voice has lost me a little as time has gone by, nothing major but it's not as charming as it used to be (this is NOT a statement about the accent thing. that bit is fun)

Favourite Line: "Dreams aren't good for nothing" was just a fun line, but "The stars... they're all gone" was delivered EXTREMELY well, so i'm giving it to the latter

brOTP: she and Throné have a very fun dynamic. not much to say on it, it's just fun

OTP: hikari? i guess? dude there's ships that i sorta accept into my headcanon of the story but dont touch and there's ships that my mind obsesses over for decades, and this is neither of those. it's a choice i selected from a drop-down menu.

nOTP: also no stand-outs

Random Headcanon: she does take Throné to her village for the next raspberry festival, as mentioned in their Agnea 5 travel banter

Unpopular Opinion: is a great vehicle to get across the themes of the story, but doesn't do it with nearly as much finesse as Cyrus, but still doesn't have a clear arc, and her character suffers a bit as a result

Song: on vibes and vibes alone, Voice Like A Bell by Gregory and the Hawk

Favourite Picture: strangely enough, it's actually this modern au design for her by @/hanpaopaoo, simply because it does such a good job of maintaining her key design features, silhouette, and colour scheme while also being undeniably modernized

[iaintyourbro]

Nostalgia

This is somewhat of a silly post, but I kinda want to talk about the nostalgia aspect of FF7 and FF7 Remake for me.

Mainly with the stuff they say in FF7 Remake.

There’s some sayings and lines that remind me of shit my mom and dad said when I was young. My dad passed away almost four years ago now, so when folks would say those lines, it would make me think of a conversation with him and get that bittersweet feeling.

So here’s some quotes that make me feel bittersweet:

“Keep on truckin’.” - Aerith (My dad said this a lot when I was feeling like I couldn’t finish something)

“Let’s roll.” - Cloud (This is such a dad saying. Whenever we needed to get somewhere - usually as early as possible, you know - he’d say that. He also just said it when he was ready to go.)

“Dilly dally shilly shally.” - Tifa and Aerith in AC (The shilly shally part was new, but in AC when she said this, I was like huh? My mom says dilly dally ALL THE TIME. Always has. So I guess I was surprised because I’d NEVER heard anybody else except her and my grandfather say it.)

“Hoo boy.” - Cloud, Dio, and the Shinra Manager in OG/Cloud in Remake (LOL who didn’t say this in the 90s? I mean, I thought it was hilarious that they kept it in Remake.)

“You good?” - Cloud and everybody else (You good is a staple phrase that covers a variety of situations, and I laugh every time they say it, because they say it just like I’d expect.)

All of Wall Market reminded me SO MUCH of Atlantic City, NJ. If you’ve ever been there, you know what I mean. I can smell Wall Market through the TV.

But what REALLY killed me and makes me replay Chocobo Sam’s quest chain for no reason, is the EN voice actors SOUND like they’re from Northern NJ/NY, and that’s the bulk of the people who travel down to Atlantic City. 

I also had my brother-in-law watch some of this scene and he said “Did somebody from NJ or NY do the localization for this? It sounds like they picked a bunch of people from here to do the voice acting. They have the accent down too well...” 

Now I’m not from North Jersey, so I don’t have that same accent, but most of my college friends were and do have it. 

Atlantic City for locals was just a place you went when you turned 21 and legally could gamble and drink. There’s also this time my parents and grandparents took us there when we were 10, and we all got separated for hours. So I remember walking around with my dad and sister trying to find my mom and grandparents.. and apparently we passed each other multiple times. 

Then there was the time in college I got separated from the rest of the group in AC and when they finally found me, cuz my phone was dead, and I used a pay phone to have my dad stalk my FB for my friend’s phone number, I was sun burnt, tired, and they said it was my version of The Hangover... 

My face always hurts after playing that quest chain from smiling too much.

Okay enough of my stupid ACNJ antics...

I played FF7 20 years ago, and even though I was starting my angsty teen years, my life WAS good. It’s funny how you look back and realize all you had at that point. So any game from that time period - FF7, Xenogears, FF8, etc, brings me back. Maybe that’s why it took me so long to replay those (I wish I could replay Xenogears, but it’s not anywhere at this point without me hoping my old PS3 works). It also may explain why I was scared to play FF7 Remake. 

I was scared it would change too much. I saw the trailers, and I would fight excitement. I think my husband was confused. He knew I was a huge FF fan. I used to play a game in college where somebody would play a FF song and I could name it within the first 5-10 seconds. So he couldn’t figure out why I didn’t want to play it, and I couldn’t explain it. Watching him play a bit piqued my interest, though, and then I stole it from him... and became obsessed.

No, I wasn’t a shipper back then. I enjoyed the romance in FF8, and I enjoyed the tragic romance of Vincent and Lucretcia in FF7, but I was never a heavy shipper. I liked the story at face value. There was much more to it than romance, and I still feel that way. Remake DID make me a shipper - but it was hard not to turn in to one. They absolutely gave us some great scenes to ship with. Heavy sexual tension and watching this gap close between Tifa and Cloud was symbolic for many reasons. It also feels somewhat tragic since we know Cloud isn’t Cloud until much, much later on... 

Anyway, thanks for reading my nostalgic post of craziness and randomness. Hopefully FF7 Remake gave you some warm and fuzzy feelings as well if you were a fan of the OG!

[fossilsofadryptosaur]

Hey Ya’ll

I don’t like to vent too much negativity on here, cuz 1) My folks raised me to keep my personal business to myself and 2) I don’t like the idea that I’m putting my burdens on someone else. 

But in this case, most of ya’ll live too far away to do nothing, and I need to get some stuff off chest.

Tell me how come, when I ask my ex-husband, the selfish bastard that he is, if I can have him sign some papers so I can move out of state, he tells me no? He says no, I don’t care if you wanna get your college degree. I don’t care if you want Charlotte closer to your parents, so they can see her more often than once a year. I don’t care if you wanna move so you can have better job opportunities, and get a better life for our daughter.

He said all that, right? He doesn’t want me movin’ anywhere outta state, ever. 

But then a day later! He turns around and comes to me sayin’, “Ooh, I got me a truckin’ job! I’ll be going as far as the west coast!”

How come he gets to leave, and only be in Arkansas 3 days outta the month, never see his baby again, but I’m stuck in this tiny shit hole of a town just cuz of his say so? I do not want this kind of life for my daughter, and I know I have the potential and the desire to be better! I wanna do better, for her! But he gets to run off and get herpes from some lady trucker at a Love’s gas station in Washington, sure. 

I honest to god wish I’d have never married this loser. He’s never held a job down, never been a good man to me. It doesn’t matter that he’s never hit me in my life, cuz he never wanted to spend proper time with me. He came to ONE of my prenatal appointments, and was so disappointed that we were having a girl, he never spoke to me for the rest of the week. And he never came to another appointment. 

He wasn’t even in the room when she was born. 

And now we’re divorced and I want to leave and do better for Charlotte and get her away from her dead beat dad, and I can’t? EVen though I have full custody I can’t? 

He has no job, no money, no home, he lives in his parents’ living room, and he’s damn near 3 months behind on his weekly child support, but he gets to dictate my future, and hers? 

I don’t think so.

[winchesterandpie]

Son of a Patriotic Biscuit (Part 3)

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Reader

Word Count: 2507 (got a tiny bit carried away...)

Warnings: None

A/N: Steve finally makes an extended appearance! Yay!! Thank you guys so much for the reception on the other parts of this fic! Way more of you are reading it than I thought would be! If you want to be added to the tags list, just let me know and I will happily add you! As always, feedback is appreciated. Gif is not mine.

Part One | Part Two

Your name: submit What is this? // <![CDATA[ document.getElementById("submit").addEventListener('click', myHandler); function myHandler() { var v = document.body.innerHTML; var input = document.getElementById("inputTxt").value; v = v.replace(/\by\/n\b|\(y\/n\)/ig, input); document.body.innerHTML = v; } // ]]>

After a quick detour, the first friendly person I ran into was Tony, though I had to dodge a couple of blasts before he realized it was me. As with Clint, I gave him the briefest rundown of how I knew they were in a trap and told him to get out of there now. I could tell he was about to resist, following me as I turned to go deeper into the maze of the warehouse. Fortunately, I literally ran into Nat as she came through the door. With a little bit of persuading (mostly taking advantage of the fact that I knew my way around the building) I got them to leave through the hatch I’d come in from.

“Don’t screw this up,” Tony called from the doorway. Ah, ever the affectionate insulter.

“Good luck,” was all Natasha had to add, but the quick hug spoke volumes between us. “See you soon.” We turned to go our separate ways, but a bad feeling was brewing in the pit of my stomach. All the same, I was Steve’s best shot at getting out, and I couldn’t leave without even trying.

“That fricken fracken, mother truckin’, son of a biscuit eating, little star spangled spandex,” I cursed under my breath as I heard gunshots ricocheting. He was still going for the information, but he was moving the complete wrong direction. Nonetheless, I crept through the hallway toward the source of the commotion.

He was lucky I arrived when I did. Someone had been about to shoot him in the back, but I took them out with a clean one to the head. I saw his face tighten at the sight of me, but he held the lecture in for the moment. Together, we cleared the room and I dragged him to a different room we could buy some time in and (hopefully) escape from. After the doors were blockaded and the cameras shot out, I winced and fell back against the desk to support myself. The fading of my adrenaline brought my other injuries to the forefront and between my wing, abdomen, and shoulder I was in quite a bit of pain.

Steve’s POV

“What were you thinking?” I paced across the side of the room opposite where she stood. She had disobeyed my one order - to stay in the tower - and more than that she had recklessly rushed into this situation. I wasn’t just irritated, I was furious at her apparent death wish.

“That I know this place, and I couldn’t let you walk into a trap! You may not like me, but you guys are my family!”

“I had it under control!” I exclaimed, more out of a sense of frustration with her and a need to argue back and defend myself. I suppose it could also have been considered a stick to beat myself with, for if I had indeed had it under control then she wouldn’t have been put into this situation.

“Fricken fracken, mother truckin’, son of a biscuit eating little show off with the face,” she barely paused to draw breath, likely trying for some dramatic effect, “of a toad. Of course you think you had it under control. Do you even know where the file you’re looking for is?”

“No, but--”

“Well, I’ve been here. I know this place, and I know it’s where they capture their victims.” I was taken aback by her confession. How could she possibly know the place? We’d only just heard of it a week and a half ago. Questions ran through my mind at lightning pace, distracting me from any plans I’d been trying to formulate.

“What do you mean you know it?” I had to ask at least once, thoroughly unfocused on the task at hand while every instinct screamed at me to get back on track.

“Exactly what I said.” Now, that was a unequivocally unhelpful answer. I glared daggers in response, but she only seemed slightly amused at this before continuing, waving her hands placatingly. “Alright, alright, don’t get the spandex in a twist. Look, it’s a long story, and we don’t exactly have time for a bedtime story at the moment, unless I’m severely mistaken. I’ll tell you when we get back, okay?”

“Fair enough. So, O great master of knowledge, what do we do now?” I had to acknowledge that she was being the more reasonable one at the moment, even if I didn’t want to. Accordingly, my hand off of power was the tiniest bit sarcastic. She was frustrated and I was still angry as well as hurt at the confirmation that she thought I didn’t like her, but there wasn’t any time to address either of our personal problems. Right now, what we had to do was get out of there. And that meant coming up with a plan of some sort, which also meant putting aside my fury at her actions for the time being. Allowing my face to set in lines of determination, I continued to pace.

“Steve, do you really have to be such a fricken fracken, mother truckin’, son of a biscuit eating, little salty girl’s petticoat? Seriously, find your chill. And on the plan thing, gimme a second to think straight.” With the utmost willpower, I maintained a straight face, having no intention of demonstrating my amusement at her insults. Finally, I had a moment to stop pacing. In that moment I watched her, and in watching her I noticed how she was leaning heavily on something as though she couldn’t support herself. Raising an eyebrow, I approached where she stood, carrying a chair with me. She shrugged in response to my unasked question, the movement causing her to grimace.

“Sit.” I gestured at the chair after setting it down near her, hoping that my tone brooked no argument. She sank into it gratefully, and I moved around her, tending the biggest of her injuries as well as I could given the situation. There wasn’t much I could do for the smaller scratches, nor was there likely to be enough time. As I tugged on a bandage I was wrapping around her stomach, a question that had been nagging my mind slipped past my lips, albeit hesitantly. “Do you really think I don’t like you?”

“More that you act like… an older brother who thinks I can’t make it on my own,” she answered after a long moment. It looked like she was going to say something different when she had paused mid-sentence, and I couldn’t help but be slightly disappointed in myself. I made a mental note to be less overbearing if when we escaped.

“I just don’t want to see you get hurt. Like this.” I gestured at her injuries, at a loss as to what more I could do for her. This was the one thing I had wanted to avoid by keeping her from coming on the mission, and now it was causing me to lose focus on the mission - the place where I needed most to be levelheaded.

“Hey, I’ll be fine. Don’t you worry, we’ll get out of here, no problemo. And what happened to that fricken fracken, mother truckin’, son of a biscuit eating, little Grecian statue with the emotional range of a teaspoon that I know so well?” She was trying to lighten the mood, and I knew it had at least partially worked because I could feel the corners of my mouth turning upward the slightest amount.

“Where do you even come up with all of these?” I asked, shaking my head bemusedly.

“A magician never reveals her secrets. And I think I’ve got a bit of a plan.” Her grin didn’t seem quite right, but I had no room or grounds to question her. Although I didn’t think I would much enjoy whatever plan she had constructed.

Reader’s POV

This was my opening to give him directions to get out of the warehouse, which I did. The only way out, really, but he didn’t know or need to know that.

“You’re saying that like you aren’t coming.” Apparently the Old Man with a shield was more observant than I gave him credit for, but I had a ready excuse.

“I’m not. Well, not that way, at least. See, I’ll cover for you while you get out that way, and then I’ll go a different way, keep them off your tail.” When he still didn’t seem convinced I continued, BSing my way through it like a high school English paper. “Look, I know the place - I can keep them just close enough and still make it out. You’re gonna need all the time I can give you to get the heck out of dodge.” At this point, he seemed to be conceding the point, albeit reluctantly, so I gave it a final push. “We don’t exactly have any better options, Steve.”

“I know, I just… I guess I--” He was cut off by loud, angry voices and pounding on the other side of the door.

“Right then, no time for heartfelt confessions. Here - hang on to these for me, would you?” I shot up to my feet and took my position, wincing a little, before I tossed my bag and bow at him, the bow being useless as I was completely out of arrows.

“Sure. It’ll probably make it easier for you to move.” Yeah. ‘Cuz that’s totally what I’m worried about, I thought. “What’s in here?”

“The file you were looking for, plus a couple important looking ones… and… my file.” I added the last bit while looking down, unable to watch the dawning realization and disgust  in my crush’s eyes.

“You mean… that’s how you got…?” He trailed off at the end, though his voice didn't contain the repulsion I had expected.

“Yep,” I replied shortly, not wanting to dwell on my time here. I expected him to say something pitying, which I really did not want to hear. What I did not expect, however, was for him to wrap me up in a hug. My face against his chest, I took a deep breath of the smell of him, revelling in the way it felt like safety and home for what I assumed would probably be the first and only time. Harsher pounding on the door broke us from the little moment as I set my jaw.

“See you on the other side, then,” Steve promised quietly as he released me.

“Good luck,” was all I could say, flashing him a quick smile as I pulled two small guns from their hidden holsters. “Now go!” With a nod, he complied, turning and sprinting out the door.

“Goodbye, Steve. I’m so sorry,” I murmured to the empty space where he had been standing. I knew full well that the only reason he left was because I had convinced him that I would make it out too, otherwise he would have insisted on being the one stay behind. If he stayed, then neither of us would have survived - I wouldn’t get far enough fast enough with my injuries, and he didn’t know the building well enough - and I couldn’t let that happen.

They finally came in, bursting through the barricade in a hail of gunfire and smoke. I’m not sure how long I dodged them, firing when I could, slowly making my way around to the door. I surprised myself by making it out of that room. By some miracle, all of the guards were in the room, so the hallways were clear as I jogged through them lopsidedly.

Turning into the final corridor, I finally dared let hope flare in my chest now that the door to freedom was in sight. That hope gave me the strength I needed to push just a little farther. I had gotten the door open and was stepping out of the building, already beginning to break into a sprint for the trees when a shot rang out. My leg now compromised, I crumpled to one knee for a moment before forcing myself up, willing myself to just move. But it was too late - a whole platoon of men surrounded me, guns leveled directly at me and I couldn’t see a way out. I couldn’t fly, I couldn’t run, and I couldn’t fight. I was trapped.

Steve’s POV

Something felt wrong the second I left the room behind with her in it, but I didn’t realize the feeling until I was already in the treeline with the others. As the seconds ticked by, turning into minutes, my heart sped up until it was thundering in my chest like a galloping horse. I was at the point where I was ready to go charging back in there for her when she burst through the door, starting to lean into a full out run as I sighed in relief.

Moments later, my heart leapt back into my throat when a single shot echoed across the clearing and she buckled. Tony and Natasha were forcibly holding me back as I started moving without thinking, fully ready to blow my own cover to save her. Almost in slow motion, I watched as she forced herself to her feet, suddenly surrounded by HYDRA soldiers, more snipers on the roof with their guns trained on her in case she tried something. In horror, I remembered that she couldn’t fly - her wing had been shot before she’d gotten to me in the warehouse.

“RUN!” That was her voice, crying in fear and pain from where she was. Even with no hope for herself, she was still trying to save us, and my heart was breaking.

An anguished “No,” left my lips as I saw a man approaching her from behind. She collapsed to the ground like a marionette whose strings have been cut as my teammates pulled me away from the scene. All I could think was how it was my fault, how it should have been me to stay in that room, how I already missed her insults that were like none I’d ever heard before… How I had been too afraid to tell her how I felt and now it was too late. She had gotten me out, without a thought of the consequences to herself. I could feel her in my arms, the last memory of the smell of her from the one and only hug I had ever offered her before she got me out jumbling my thoughts. The others’ mouths were moving, had been for some time, but only now were the words starting to come into focus.

“Hey, Steve!” Someone’s hand left a stinging slap on my cheek and I finally focused on the red-headed figure in front of me. “We can rescue her, and we will. But you’re going to have to pull it together for it to work.” Right. Work. Focus. Suddenly, I found a new resolve - to get her out of whatever hellhole she was put in - and I could not afford to fail.

Part 4

Forever tags: @riddikulus-obsessions

Son of a Patriotic Biscuit tags: @barnes-toddpartnersinheartbreak

Series Masterlist

[wisecore-blog1]

Happy Saturday ya’ll. 🤸🏻‍♀️❤️🌼 My apologies for doing what I do, yeah I am not perfect. I have been working hard to overcome this inadequacy in myself since childhood. I am motivated and can jump start a lot if great things into action, however completion is not always my fortè. We all have something we would like to improve upon, don’t we? Recognizing your weaknesses is just as important as knowing your strengths. The solution lies in the discovery. So keep on truckin’ cuz that’s really what the process of living is all about! Taking time today to bring my #diffuserstories to completion. Sometimes I wonder if the reason why I occasionally leave my many projects incomplete for days, weeks, months on end is because it’s sad to finish something you love so much. That’s part of it, and overwhelm creates procrastination for me. If you are a human being with goals, dreams and intentions, then overwhelm is a part of life. Here I am showcasing my “oily station” this little corner of my home is tucked away in our dining room. It’s where I mix up my magical potions using dōTerra CPTG essentials oils, dried herbs,flowers, gemstones and crystals. I didn’t even tidy it up or bring the rest of the oils I’ve got floating all around my house here to set up for this shot - because I want to be raw with you guys. It’s messy and beautiful, just like the days of our lives. Can you see the aromalite diffuser there in the back? It’s definitely been one of my faves so far and I never travel without it. ❤️ (at San Francisco, California)

[grubhivemind]

-- primadonnaTartuffe [PT] began pestering invincibleDetective [ID] at 22:35 -- 

PT: hi hello anybody home?

ID: Not currently. But I'm listening. 

ID: I hear Dorian's home.

PT: yeup. 

PT: there was a heartfelt tearful reunion between him sirius sage and myself outside skaianet building today. dope shit.

ID: Does sound dope. 

ID: I'll have to remember to stop by.

PT: yeah thatd be cool! making yourself like physically available to people is pretty dope sometimes too. 

PT: hey speaking of. 

PT: what the fuck my guy?????????

ID: ...I didn't realize we were in a position to be making these particular demands.

PT: THATS NOT WHAT I MEAN!!!

ID: So what do you mean?

PT: i mean!! 

PT: why have you been avoiding me?

ID: I've been attending to my own affairs. 

ID: Same as you. 

ID: If that includes avoiding you, then I guess we really should reevaluate the double standards being put in place. 

ID: But I mean. 

ID: If you're going to let any asshole come in and wreck what you're trying to accomplish, why settle on me?

PT: wow okay. 

PT: urrgghh. 

PT: listen i know i fucked up but its not exactly something i can atone for if we arent gonna be straight with each other. 

PT: you were acting all dodgy even before that.

ID: And you weren't? 

ID: Let's not pretend either of us has a fucking clue when it comes to jumping to decisions. 

ID: Decisions maybe we weren't ready for. 

ID: But that's neither here nor there. 

ID: I can't hold myself responsible for your feelings or decisions. Only my own. 

ID: You know I'm crazy about you.

ID: I don't want to get pulled back into this cycle.

PT: well FUCK neither do i??? 

PT: i dont want you to hold yourself responsible for me. i never wanted that! 

PT: but you do!!!! thats why im like walking around eggshells around you. 

PT: you cant stand watching me fuck myself over because you cant handle how powerless it makes you feel. thats it isnt it???? get a clue!!!!! 

PT: i 👏 dont 👏 care 👏 about 👏 being 👏 rescued 👏!!! 

PT: IM SICK JACK. so are YOU. and NOBODY can fix us. NOTHING can fix us. 

PT: both our miserable lives are gonna be filled with us fucking up in varying degrees of severity until were lucky enough to finally bite the big one.

ID: That's almost comforting. As if I'm not vividly aware of how everything ends up in the end. 

ID: But if it's all doomed to shit from the beginning, what's the point in trying? 

ID: It sure as hell isn't me you're disappointing. I've had a hard lesson in learning what I'm about. 

ID: And yeah. I'm not about watching you fuck yourself over again. 

ID: All the while, fucking this... relationship over because neither of us are equipped to handle the reality. 

ID: It isn't about getting fixed. It's about managing and coping enough to live another day. 

ID: That's what you should be focusing on. And what I should be helping you with. 

ID: It sucks that I'm not. And it sucks that you wouldn't let me if I tried. 

ID: So again. What's the point?

PT: arrgghh what the fuck??? 

PT: jack im not trying to shut you out!!! that isnt what i mean. 

PT: youve BEEN helping me. ever since i got back youve been nothing but supportive. 

PT: christ i feel awful about relapsing. i know how it looks. 

PT: but youve made a difference. everyones made a difference. 

PT: i fucked up. thats on me. i want to own up to it instead of running away from it like i always used to. im tired of being that way. 

PT: and i definitely dont wanna run away from something good cuz im afraid of breaking it. 

PT: because when im without it i know exactly what im missing out on. and i know its worth holding onto. 

PT: ... jack. can i please just talk to you in person?

ID: Depends. 

ID: Are you sober?

PT: :/

PT: yes.

ID: I'll make it back to the apartment later on today.

PT: alright. ill be around.

JACK: -Some hours later, Jack makes his way back to the apartment. Coming from who knows where, that detail wasn't important. Anger was still burning like acid in his belly, which he thought was better than the exhaustion that was threatening to overcome him. It was so much better than being detached and absent from the conflict.- 

JACK: -Lumbers into the apartment, apprehension tense on his face and his shoulders.-

RYAN: -she's waiting on the couch, clicking through space netflix or whatever mindlessly while she's waiting for jack to show up, failing miserably to keep herself distracted when all the things she wants to say keep running through her frustrated mind. she's alone, since sage is catching up with her previously absentee twin, and when she hears jack come in she jumps a little in her seat.- 

RYAN: -looks over at him, squaring her shoulders.- ... hey.

JACK: I'm home. -states like that's not obvious. Closes the door behind him, channeling more of that apprehension as he continues to hover by the entrance hall.- Now what. 

JACK: Pleasantries?

RYAN: no. -crap... what DOES she say now? there's too much she wants to say, it's impossible to know where to begin.- 

RYAN: ... can i start by saying im sorry?

JACK: Sorry for... -tries to grasp for words for her.- 

JACK: Falling off the bandwagon? Or... 

JACK: -drags a hand down his face.- Being mutually fucking awful at this feelings thing?

RYAN: i mean... 

RYAN: both kinda? 

RYAN: -looks away with a sigh.- im sorry i always keep this shit to myself. 

RYAN: its like i know people are there for me and i know i can reach them if i need to but ive kinda been lacking the discretion to know when and how and... 

RYAN: i was hanging out with sage the other day and we talked about a lot of things. i dont wanna say i had an EPIPHANY like suddenly everything makes sense and i know how to be a better person whos better at communicating! 

RYAN: but i guess it did help me figure out what i need right now. 

RYAN: so im sorry for holding you at arms length. me being afraid is no excuse to run. if anything its the opposite. -shrugs. she doesn't think it means much just to say these things, but that's about all she can do right now.-

JACK: -It's true. None of this was actually succeeding in making him feel better. For as much as Ryan tried to make sense of the mess of her brain, Jack was having an equally fucking time wading through the muck in his own. He rubs at his neck and shoulder, uncomfortable and uncertain of how the hell he should be behaving.- So... 

JACK: What is it you need?

RYAN: i need to quit being so fucking selfish. -sighs- 

RYAN: because i AM. im stubborn and i hide and i complicate things because i think its better for everyone to try and distance myself and forget about all pain ive caused people. 

RYAN: i need to just... listen to people. really listen to what it means when they say theyre there for me. 

RYAN: it sucks and i feel like a burden but whatever. i have to keep truckin.

JACK: -He feels ill having these things laid out in front of him. Again, he told himself. The word felt scalding and brutal even as he thought it. How the shit he was supposed to make sense of her efforts versus his own (???), Jack had no idea. He exhales painfully, his expression tight.- 

JACK: Where does all this leave me? I have no idea what the hell I'm doing. Or what I'm supposed to be doing. 

JACK: Not that I expect you to know but... fuck. 

JACK: -wrings his hands about. Exasperated. Unable to express or even TELL what he was feeling.- We're a fucking mess.

RYAN: -watches the way the confused emotions twist painfully in his expression and mannerisms and matches it with her own.- 

RYAN: ... i know. 

RYAN: but baby you-- youve been doing good... 

RYAN: when i came back home i barely recognized you. you seemed so much more content with yourself and just. -gestures widly.- life! 

RYAN: im not saying i thought you had it all together but shit you made so much progress. -sighs- it made me feel like... i wasnt completely hopeless. it inspired me i guess. especially when you told me... the worst was over. 

RYAN: -runs a hand through her hair- what im saying is i dont think you need to do anything different from what youve been doing. 

RYAN: i just want to be a part of that. without being afraid of fucking it all up for you. 

RYAN: ... i dunno if that makes sense.

JACK: -blind eyes focus and tense at spaces he can't see. Picturing what her face might look like just by her tone of voice.- I can't stand here and pretend like it doesn't make sense. It does, Ryan. 

JACK: But at what cost? We work our asses off to get to a place where we're at least semi-functional, just to... throw it all out of the fucking window as soon as these impossible standards our sick heads start putting into our minds. 

JACK: Jesus fuck! -whips at his forehead, more exasperated than before. His voice echoes off the walls of the apartment.- I turn you into a symbol. You stop being a person, more like someone I have to warp myself to accommodate and-- 

JACK: It's wrong! It's so fucking WRONG that I'm the one that fucks it up for us. Why do we keep letting it get like this?? Why do you keep excusing it?? -hand flops to his side then, like a dead weight as scornfully, he turns his head.- 

JACK: Why can't I just. 

JACK: Be there for you? -scuffs his boot at the ground. The picture of unhappiness.-

RYAN: -at some point she's gotten to her feet, only to wind up stuck in place like she isn't sure where her restlessness wants to take her. instead, she passes her hands through her hair a few times, trying to figure out the answers to all the questions tumbling out of him.- 

RYAN: ... but you have been there for me. 

RYAN: youve been helping me stay on track all this while. whenever i thought i felt myself slipping id go to you cuz i knew youd understand and-- christ. 

RYAN: you literally saved me from getting jumped and who the fuck knows what else mightve happened to me that night. 

RYAN: you said it already... you arent the only who whos been distancing themselves. im not excusing shit. nothing im not doing too. -focuses on him again, taking steps towards him, touching whatever furniture she slowly passes by.- 

RYAN: im scared of dragging you down. im too much work. im scared im poison. 

RYAN: do you see me that way?

JACK: -As her voice floats closer, he finds his weight sagging until his shoulder presses by the hallway wall. Allowing her to approach with his tone nothing more than a mutter.- God damn it... 

JACK: Can't talk to you when you're like this... -says... and despite the words, Jack is wistful.-

RYAN: -huffs a little when she stops, keeping a short distance between them. her hands fiddle with her hair again nervously, but she still watches him carefully.- like what?

JACK: Vulnerable and approachable. And shit. -mumbles around a lopsided crack of a smile. At nothing in particular but if only Jack could see the cute uncertain look on her face. He'd sweep her up right then and there. Instead, he sighs.-

RYAN: -expression softens at the sight of his smile, and it tugs at her heart strings something painful.- ... shut up. im always tough. ill fight you right now. -sad as she is, she has to laugh a little. but when it quickly subsides, she sobers up again.- 

RYAN: jack... -exhales- 

RYAN: you know im not perfect.

RYAN: ive come and gone from your life so many times. everyones lives. i kept things from you. i did it back then and i started doing it again. 

RYAN: of course youre scared or upset. you just wanna help me. 

RYAN: but youre hurt too. youre mad. youre allowed to be. i want you to be. 

RYAN: dont idealize me. and i wont do that to you. 

RYAN: i just... think we can take the ugliness with the good too. i think its worth it.

JACK: -the weariness starts to tug at his expression again... But ultimately, he nods.- Makes sense logically. 

JACK: But ironically, I can't trust myself to know that is how I'm supposed to see things. Not always.

JACK: I'm blind, if you would. To those things. 

JACK: Wraps up pretty-like in the context, if you ask me.

RYAN: -scoffs a little, but she nods.- ... i get that. in a way. 

RYAN: like people tell me all the time i shouldnt feel bad. that im trying and thats all that matters and i should be proud of myself for the progress ive made. 

RYAN: -shrugs- but im not. not really. you know? 

RYAN: i believe what people tell me its just... not as easy to tell myself and believe that.

RYAN: i bury it i guess. so that i dont have to figure out how i really feel about it.

JACK: -closes his eyes and nods sagely. His answer delivered in an equally sage-like way.- It's honest-to-god funnel fry style horseshit.

RYAN: -dammit, she's smiling again. rude ass...- pretty much. 

RYAN: its gonna take a lil more than powdered sugar to make this mess prettier. 

RYAN: ... i never meant to rush into things again. 

RYAN: but i blame our fuckin ridiculous chemistry for that tbh. 

RYAN: i just... wanna be a part of your life. in whatever way i fit into it that works.

JACK: Mmmm. -scratches idly at his chin and neck.- 

JACK: I was personally going to blame the mad crazy ape banana monkey sex dreams you were having. 

JACK: There's been worse reasons to rush into shit, I'm sure.

RYAN: shut up?????? obviously i was avoiding that embarrassingly telling topic you insensitive bitch. -SHOVES HIM, but gently.- 

RYAN: god we are pathetic.

JACK: Ask anyone. Couldn't be a straight shooter if I tried. -reaches for the hands that shove him. Squeezing at them just as gently.- 

JACK: Insensitive bitch is my maiden name.

RYAN: is your middle name stupid ho? -looks at the hands holding hers, heart fluttering suddenly. dammit. she squeezes back till her fingers interlace with his.-

JACK: Ass. It's stupid "ass" ho. -slender fingers fit so thin and perfect beneath his own. He can tell by the simple touch.-

RYAN: ohhhh damn. i was so close. -shuffles her feet a little before she closes some of the distance still between them, resting her head against his shoulder wearily.- 

RYAN: what happens now?

JACK: -grasping at straws, really. He was about to ask her the same question himself. What Jack does do, is bring his arms around her shoulders. Holding her.- Get our respective shits together, I'm hoping. 

JACK: But honestly... 

JACK: Who fucking knows.

RYAN: yeah. -exhales again, trying not to overthink it all, but also not to flee from the uncertainty. it simply is. and in some way, eventually, it'll be alright. she squeezes her arms around him too, savoring what she can of the moment.- 

RYAN: i still think you were onto something back then. 

RYAN: about the worst being over with.

JACK: Maybe... -rests his cheek against her hair.- 

JACK: I wouldn't trust a word that past asshole of me might have said. 

JACK: He's been known to bullshit.

RYAN: -peeks up at him.- goddammit jack stupid ass ho insensitive bitch-crocker...

JACK: -Her peeks give him the opportunity to nuzzle, burying his nose in the short locks of her hair.- Hm... 

JACK: You smell pretty.

RYAN: smell ALL you want. -giggling again, she can't help to take advantage of the proximity -and brush her lips against his cheek in a chaste kiss.-

JACK: Some of the few things I'm reduced to, in my condition. -the smooch on his cheek has him tilting his head that way, reflexively going for a peck to her lips. Unfortunately, the whole execution ends up clumsy and he kisses at her chin instead. Wasted... and realizing what he's doing.- 

JACK: ...Sorry. -diddles between staying and pulling away, the arms turning slack around her shoulders.-

RYAN: -clumsy, but so sweet. she wants to go even less, perhaps against her better judgement. and she doesn't seem to budge much either.- dont be sorry. 

RYAN: but also same.

JACK: -Well someone has to show self control, he tells himself. Or try to. Arms peel from her shoulders until he can rest his hands there. It's then that he leans in again... and kisses at the top of her head.-

RYAN: -her heart sinks when they unfold from each other, but the bittersweet kiss to her forehead serves as another reminder that things will be okay. while he rests his hands on her shoulders, hers find his cheeks, framing him in such a way that he has to know she's looking him right in his smoky eyes.- 

RYAN: ... i love you. -she just needs to remind him.-

JACK: -with delicate palms taking his face, he can almost picture the pretty maroon of her eyes. Maybe his face ends up saying so... but Jack just can't bring himself to figure out what the words meant. If only he could give her the right reply.- That is really.... 

JACK: Enough. 

JACK: It's enough... for us. For now. -says, but not without hesitance. Like he's jumping on a gamble again.-

RYAN: -brushes her thumbs over his skin gently in one last attempt to reassure.- yeah. 

RYAN: it is. -says quietly, but with enough certainty for the both of them. again, for now. she finally draws her hands away then, stepping out from his personal space.- 

RYAN: im gonna... head home now.

JACK: -feels pretty chilly with her hands gone.- ...You sure?

Jake English's #1 Fan-Last Friday at 3:44 AM

RYAN: ... no.

RYAN: i mean i dont want to. -full body shrugging.- 

RYAN: do you... want me to stay?

JACK: Yeah? I mean... 

JACK: Hm. -looks up and around now- 

JACK: I actually don't know what time it is. 

JACK: Or if it's late.

RYAN: -snorts.- its a lil late yeah. 

RYAN: alright then. ill just crash here.

JACK: Our couch might as well have an imprint with your ass on it. Now that you mention it. -brushes by her to lumber deeper into the living room. Hand passing by the furniture as he does so.- Actually I mentioned that. 

JACK: Don't take credit for it.

RYAN: jack mentioning my ass... what a surprise. -watches him before following.- 

RYAN: i will take credit for the perfection of this imprint though. -plops onto the couch and wiggles like she's nestling into the imaginary indent (or is it.)-

JACK: Maybe I should take the couch for a change. -he can imagine what shes doing and is enjoying the imagery.- You can pirate my room.

RYAN: oh? then move bitch im tired of crashing on couches. -unwiggles back onto her feet.- 

RYAN: enjoy the lingering shape of my booty.

JACK: I'll try to not let it lead to anything risque. -fuck you, he's still going into his room. He needs a shower after all.-

RYAN: what you do on your couch is your business. -scampers into the room after him, immediately flopping into the bed so she can get cozy. she's a burrito. it's really a shame he can't see.- :relaxed:

JACK: Touche. -Truely the tragedy of the evening that he can't see. Jack busies himself by fishing for pajamas.- Same goes for what you do on my bed. My business. 

JACK: -And with that he leaves.- Go the fuck to sleep.

RYAN: yeah yeah... goodnight. -hate to see him go, love to watch him leave. :eyes: she rolls deeper into blankets onto her side, letting herself relax enough that she actually gets some restful sleep. it's easy when the sheets smell like him.-

[belle-glutenfreeallthingsnice]

Staring into an empty shaker because...I hate staring right at the camera when doing a flexy photo 😅 - Again with the me caring too much about what people think 🤔 need to work on that.... - Currently feeling a wee bit blue but we keep on truckin cuz we got this #revealyourself (at Dublin, Ireland)