#cuz the ppl here are sane and really nice

[spaciebabie]

1: blue sky allows nsfw 2: GUYS WE BROKE SPACIE STOP WITH THE SPRIGHTRAP

honestly from what ive seen its just twitter 2.0 and im so sorry but i want ta keep myself as far away from twitter and twitter adjacent platforms at possible 😭

and 2 your second point yeah. yeah. im basically inflicting my own torture now ive been broken beyond repair

[dlandofdreams]

I feel silly about how online time is so purposefully isolating for me. If I wanna talk to people I try to do it face to face or hearing someone’s voice but if I’m online, I immediately block off connecting with ppl and keep it as personal and self-contained as possible. I just can’t be there if I’m not present, if that makes sense. And that sucks cuz I’m always withdrawing further from ppl because of that.

[siunytoons]

I SAW SOMEBODY DO THIS

so its like how ppl think they'd b aligned w fears as an avatar? girl idk I just wanna do it cuz boredemmm

Eye: ermm I dunno. I'm a little slow w observing stuff sometimes and I don't rlly care when people watch me. lwk indifferent to this one cuz I'm not that much of a curious person. so not that compatible I don't think! whoopsie daisies

spiral: hmmm. I'm like super sane. sometimes I'm disorganized sometimes I'm not, but that's not super relevant. I'm not afraid I'm going like, cray or anything. I'm just kinda there tbh. prolly not aligned!

The flesh: hrmm. maybe. like, I don't hate how I look, personally I think I'm pretty, but sometimes I wanna just reshape myself. but like, not obsessively. so also prolly not aligned

the lonely: honestly? yeah tbh. I've got friends and crap but I tend to be isolating myself. not like, on purpose or anything, but it just kinda happens. I gotta fight to actually be noticed occasionally and it TOTALLY sucks. maybe aligned!

the slaughter: nope. I'm the least violent person I know

hunt: also no. super spooked by being chased and chasing people. it makes me nervous and I don't think I'd be aligned well.

the stranger: hey queens! also not aligned. wow, I am on a nonaligned combo here. call me the average joe cuz I am powering through this! I never ever really felt like I wasn't quite human or a stranger to anyone. I'm like, friendly and nice and not super into blending into a crowd too much

web: err, no. maybe when I was like younger cuz like, I'd cry to get out of trouble. but what kid didn't do that. Im a control freak sometimes, but that was all kinda in the past tbh. I'm a way better person now and honestly Im proud. non aligned! (I hope)

dark: nope. sunlight's just better. sorry queens

end: girl if ur not afraid of dying I'm afraid of u sorry! (jk). Srsly though. DEF not aligned

desolation; NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT. whoever finds it fun to destroy things that make others happy? U make me SICK. def not aligned. love siun!

corupptionnnn: wow I just realized I snatched the "the" outta the fears after a bit. whoops! anyway, Im kinda indifferent to sickness and bugs. like, bees are my OPP. but I know they're natural and I share the world with them so like, why let it control me y'know? as for diseases, its whatever. I mean, it totally sucks ot get them, but also natural. non aligned!

buried: EW. DISGUSTING. NO. I absolutely HATE confined spaces. If I was ever an avatar of this I would DIE.

the vast: actually, maybe. this is the one I kinda lean towards mostly cuz like I'm always kinda head in the clouds lost in the sauce and all that jazz. I need an intervention for my constant spacing out. so like, probably my top one as of now. Plys, oceans and skies are kinda cool tbh. ESPECIALLY THE OCEAN. a little scary, but the beach oh em geeee. ily ocean <3

the extinction: who wants this. like genuinely. everyone hates this fear. KILL THIS FEAR. human life is NOT being eradicated. I love being alive

YURRT FINISHED!!!! What I've concluded is that I am a very normal person. thank you for listening to my tedtalk

[solarpunk-lady-of-the-woods]

Wow okay, I've started thinking about the forever alone period of my life a lot again these past few days, after accidentally scrolling down too low in my photos and realising that all the silly faces I was making in every single photo, because back then I wouldn't take normal photos of myself, looked like they were so bad at hiding the dread in my soul. Even though back then I was super aware of mental health and everything, except the fact that I was probably depressed. And I recently thought of posting about it, but got carried away wondering whether that requires a tw...

So maybe for now I'll just say (because idk what's the chance somebody will ever read this, but this just feels like the place), I was always the extremely weird kid, I got kicked out of kindergarten in like half a year for acting like... Yk that scene in Lilo and Stitch where some girl says 'you're crazy' and gets beat up? Yeah, but I, unluckily, was weirdly talented at fighting. Also saw no difference between kids and teachers... Yeah like I bit the principal in 3rd grade, not even half a year in that school... But from what I remember, he did grab me really not nicely and I was just trying to escape. Also 7 years old, cuz I started school early and skipped 2nd grade due to being 'gifted'. Then stayed in 5th a second year because I thought I couldn't make friends because everybody was so much older. Regrettable. I still didn't speak to any classmates. Well, after I did make one (probably neurodivergent) friend, who betrayed me. Twice, because maybe I forgive too easily.

Then got a phone, but only ever used YouTube and flash games, until almost 3 years ago, when I really liked a series on YouTube and the creator started a discord server for fans to discuss lore. Well, I joined years after the creation, and spent quite long observing how people there interact, yk how AIs learn by pure pattern recognition? So I learned to act like a chaotic gay gremlin there, before first interacting. But I was also being so myself, so true to myself!!!!!! Which was, as I realize now, exaggerating my personality traits to make myself as funny and 'polarising' as possible, essentially turning me into a caricature of myself. But the rest of the issues I was fully aware of. I lived years knowing I really just needed a hug from somebody who understands, but all my 'friends' were online. That is something that was, in fact, 100% true, the sad child in the photos obviously needs a hug... I also spent that whole time wishing there was a perfect copy of me I could be friends with (while kinda being friends and constantly chatting with one. who sane ppl couldn't see as she was imaginary. I mean, they're still a great friend lmao. no longer cis vibes, too...), as while I finally was surrounded by neurodivergent queer people, I still often felt alone even in that crowd, but I still considered my life as still always getting better with age, as before that, I had had nobody (except this one entitled boy who murdered baby birds to make older boys think he's cool, convinced me to steal from stores and probably only hung out with me so he can say he has a gf. I'm still friends with him btw.)

Oof, okay, fuck, this was supposed to be a short summary, uhh... Yeah so basically, (and I fear saying this even here rn), I had made one of my main *quirky*!!!! personality traits that I was obsessed with (mostly fictional) redemption arcs (no, not why I'm friends with the other guy, stfu), and so one day... Idrk if it's a good idea to give specifics that could lead somebody to someday find that discord server, so let's just say... Somebody said 'this one fictional redemption arc is mid', and I being in character me, said it's not. And, uhh... Well... Then... (I'm scared, guys.) They said I'd probably say anybody can be redeemed. And I was like. Yeah that's half my personality, have you not noticed me, for years mind you, saying stuff like 'whaaaat no I'm not obsessed with redemption arcs, why'd you accuse me??' (while nobody was at all accusing me of that because they couldn't even bother to remember my nr1 personally trait smh)... And uhh... I think I turned my phone off for a bit cuz my sister (who hates me normally) saw me sitting on the floor and crying and gave me canned corn... Fuck getting carried away again. Reminder I was a child again and uhh... Wait this site has no forbidden words, right? Well, they kinda said that that means I'd want to be friends with Hitler, and also then somebody found an old screenshot that... Fuck I'm still scared to say specifics, I don't what them to find me, I quite love the peace on this site and don't like drama.

So, long story short, I got cancelled, like 7 friends stuck by my, one blocked me one day out of nowhere, but others said their mom was just overprotective and it's not their fault. Then all but one remaining friends were in one mini server and when one mentioned something about a person I knew was bad news, and I kinda inquired whether they know that? And got dishonourably banned for being insensitive. Which might've been fair, I've heard it's not polite to walk up to somebody and say 'your friend is a dick'. (Reminder that I'm not endorsing any of the shit this very unwell child is doing in the story I swear I'm not herrrr guys.) So yeah. And so the last friend disappeared over a month after the cancelling.

I learned that instead of watching YouTube at my laptop, I could use my phone instead and that way I could tidy while listening. I spent months tidying my room. Cut my hair short, as it had been a greasy mess. No, not what you're imagining right now, worse. No, much worse than that. I had been trying to embody a character. Just like with everything else. But no more. Started showering again instead of 100 layers of salt deodorant. I started meditating (helped for like 4 months, but now I don't do that again, maybe should lmao, off topic though). Walking to the forest and appreciating nature, like I kinda used to when I was a little child, with my dad. Reordered the furniture in my room. Got back into painting. A lot of little things. They do add up.

And then, before the end of the school year, I said hi to a quiet girl in my class, whom I used to talk to a little bit 4 years ago, but stopped. Well, apparently, he's a boy now. But... Yeah. I got introduced to the whole neurodivergent queer squad in my school, and idk if it's just me or a coincidence, but every last one of them seems so much more genuine and kind than the ppl I used to know online.

It's been years. I think I've healed, and then... Though maybe I have. Yesterday, I decided to revisit one of the maladaptive daydreams I used to escape to most of the time I was at school, or even at home for that matter, to distract myself from thoughts. I at first planned to just go through the standard scenario of making fictional friends, but then, I just stood there, and saw the character I had made so many years ago trying to make friends with the currently evil character. Allowing herself to be hurt. Desperate. Smiling. So fucking SHE NEEDS THERAPY GET HER SOME THERAPY AND A HUG LIKE OH MY GOD THIS CHILD SHOULD NOT GO THROUGH THE STUFF IRL THAT SHE PREFERS THIS TO WHAT THE FUCK, NONE OF THIS THAT HAPPENED IS OKAY TO PUT A FUCKING CHILD THROUGH.

So yeah I think I healed my inner child yesterday. How was your Saturday?

It’s weird how everyone hating you when you’re nine years old still affects your self esteem when you’re 26 like yeah nobody came to my birthday party but that was like 17 years ago why is it stopping me from going to a gay bar

[actualbird]

okay hold up I am extremely sick but I have two (2) things. First, I started typing an addition to that Artem post you rb’d a while back but cannot currently finish it because i think I may be hallucinating the sound of someone singing?? I may die. Shrug.

AND then I just read the shoes-in-house thingy in relation to Vyn and im like,,, hmm. Because my family is strictly ‘take your shoes off’ (im from burger eagle healthcare hell) but I know that doesn’t apply to all families, which I think is ew, but hey, I’m not the one cleaning their carpets. Just asked my mom and she said it’s what she grew up with, but my dad was an inside-shoe heathen. We def don’t have house slippers though, everyone’s just in socks.

ANYWAY. THEN I was thinking ‘okay but Vyn is European’ so I googled it, & the general consensus in Western Europe is that people wear shoes inside sometimes-maybe-perhaps. But I am not From Europe so I have no idea either lol. Though, from what I’ve seen ppl’s guesses of where Svart is to be, I’d probably say he’s sane and takes off his shoes :)

waaa, hi worms!! and also AAAAA WORMS??? are you okay DDD: i hope whatever is ailing you gets outta ur system soon huhu, being haunted by sirens doesnt sound like a great symptom (unless the singing is of a genre you particularly like. free spotify premium)

JHKVJHAFJSF BURGER EAGLE HEALTHCARE HELL, my deepest condolences :(( and ooohh, yea! on the og post of me speculating about Does Vyn Wear Shoes In House, i originally had assumed it was a general western culture thing simply cuz thats what i always saw in western media, but then some friendly folks pointed out that it's a case to case basis. im also just fascinated by the concept of carpets in general, we dont have any and it's not very common over here, also they look very much like a hassle to clean? i hope your carpets cooperate with the cleaning process.

socks indoors sounds comfy tho i also cant imagine that but only cuz i live in a house containing 5 dogs and many of them dont understand (and/or are fucking with us) that the place to Go is outside in the garden so stepping in an unidentified liquid accidentally indoors is always a scary possibility, none of us wanna be in socks for that.....house slippers are nice, we dont have any closed toe ones like they got in tot because Tropical Country and 99% of the time i just go barefoot cuz i forget that slippers even exist ajhvksjhfasa

some europeans also replied/tagged to the og post and it does seem like while some countries have a propensity for one or the other, it's still mostly a case to case basis. i just enjoy giving vyn funny habits HAHA

tho liTERALLY JUST A FEW MINUTES AGO AS I WAS TYPING THE FIRST PARAGRAPH i got a reply that said that newer cards indeed show vyn in house slippers in his own home. drat...

looks like i can only make fun of vyn's probably bad driving due to europe having the steering wheel on the other side......

(well, not really, the beauty of hcs is that anyone can do whatever they want, hyv cant stop us. MWAHAHHHAHA)

anyway i hope u get well soon!!!

[stillwooozy]

well my mom is having heart surgery, or idk a stent put in her heart - isnt that heart survery? Anyways shes getting better so thats good.

Ive been playing chess w/ my dad but my 10 yr old brother can beat us both so my dad isnt pissed at me anymore. He lost to my brother so he yelled at HIM for “having an attitude” and i felt bad. sore loser much? I’m competitive as hell, but only for things i know im objectively good at. He admits he isnt good at chess. I’m kinda surprised cuz ngl my dad is smart and my 10 yr old brother is..... 10. But i guess my dads intellect manifests as writing ability and my brother is advanced in math sooo... maybe chess = math? Idk. They are still forced to quaratine cuz they have covid, i doubt i’ll get it but i’ll get tested when they do again. My dogs are going crazy cuz i cant take them to the park.

My mom will come home in a few days. I’m actually excited/relieved. Usually i dread seeing her cuz she always finds something to critize me about but now im just happy she isnt dead. Haha hashtag-compassion. Shes on a bunch of drugs but shes off a venilator and sounds okay. she tested negative for covid so shes done with that im pretty sure. Shes getting a stent put in. I tried to talk to a doctor cuz she was being vague but he wouldnt tell me anything and im like :/ i get it but... i wish they would make my life easier, im the last person who should act as a husband/parent figure but here i am. My dad is pissing me off - if he cant control a situation he gets angry & ignores it. Straight up. I WISH i could do that but i have a guilty complex instilled by my very own mother.

One of my brothers i watching attack on titan so thats pretty interesting. he’s 12 and i was like... um isnt that too young? But i was 13 when i watched it so i guess not

My mom told me if i picked up her meds after i pick her up from the hospital she’ll give me half her painkillers and was like “but dont OD”. I mean im not going to turn them down. Me - turning down tramadol? What reality would that be. she’s a weird woman. I feel bad for her, she blames everyone else for her problems including me but ik she loves me. even if she hates part of me at the same time. A part of me is convinced that ill die by drugs if i never manage to kick the habit but i’d also feel really bad knowing she’d blame herself. I mean its almost comedic how dysfunctional my family is. She goes full Karen begging for opioids, then gives her mentally ill son half the pills as a reward. hey - positive reinforcement i guess? Good for her. Dont hit ur kids - just give them drugs when they are being a good little boy.

I think i’ll watch AoT w/ my brother. Hes the sibling i probably ignore most. him and my 10 yr old brother. I like my 6 yr old brother and my 19 yr old sister. I mean i love all my siblings but come on..... 9-15 yr old boys are batshit. i say this from personal experience.

I asked him if he liked Eren x Mikasa cuz idk. Isnt that what most basic shonen preteen boys are into? I forced myself to read eremika hentai when i was about his age. He’s a nice jewish boy too, so 50/50 chance he has an east asian fetish. You want to know his reply??? “No I don’t see anyone as a couple they all seem gay to me - no offense”. None taken brother ... i have to agree

i was flirting w/ 2 girls on tinder - no worries im not going to spread covid i promise - and i’ve come to the realization that....... why do most “alt” girls SAY they want a bi boy to “peg” but...... get uncomfortable when that bi twink actually gets fucked by men. like what??????? they just want a boy who wears flowery blouses and eyeshadow. sorry hun i’m not that person. I look like mac demarco if he was a twink in the worst way possible. I hate this trend cuz its insincere or maybe im just self concious cuz im gross. its just....... u cant ask for a bi bf...... but not really want them to ever have fucked a man????????? Grindr is disgusting but damn tinder girls are judgemental. I look like david dobrick if he was gay & mentally ill - what do u expect of me? I just miss my ex. She was unusal and im just fully appreciating that. She was the only person (beside my ex who pulled a lil peep before it was cool) who matched my type of crazy. Unfortunately 2 crazy ppl can’t last long.

To clarify i dont tell ppl, i never will, that she was “my crazy gf” or “crazy ex”. I dont mean it as a fully bad thing - i mean im the one on antipsychs (she was on lithium.. what a romance amiright). I miss her so badly. I think about texting or calling her everyday. Honestly idk if she would answer. Maybe she has moved on. We both have a minimal (public) social media presence so i cant stalk her online. she just posts memes & social justice stuff on her sc. she didnt block me from any platform. I pretend she found this blog and can stalk me & i hope she feels bad for me - pathetic right? It wasnt even a bad breakup. We were never on the “same page”, not that type of couple or chemistry, but we enjoyed being together and i miss that cuz atm i have no one but my mentally ill family. jk my siblings are surprisingly sane. I mean the younger ones have time.

[iiota]

thinking about how like getting attention on ur art on the internet is luck cuz it really is like some other things can Help but really its just like...u pray some1 searches the tag or a popular artist takes pity on u but things that can help the most is like

drawing a lot, people like joke posts instead of serious art if u dont draw realistically or paint, and also drawing something either in rising popularity or that has an existing solid fanbase(rising popularity is better bc when ppl get into stuff they look for content after theyre done and the pool for content is smaller upping ur chances)(drawing a comic for a funnie text post is like the best combination esp if its from a popular user bc most likely they will rb it if u tag them, also its nice to draw things for peoples content)

i can like make a pic w a bg/composition and itd get like like a quarter of what my comics can get lol, also note its easy getting followers honestly, its harder to make them interact w ur content expect like 1/4 of ur followers to interact w something to keep urself sane every artist gets a lot of people who are just there to lurk its whatever

i feel like i could write an essay for like all ive seen wrt being an artist on here

[somnilogical]

what fills the abyss?

thinking of i am prepared to face god this instant:

| theres stuff people yell at the page of a book "dont give them the location of the rebel base!! even if they will kill you!! its simple utilitarianism!!"

| that when they are in a rebel story, they wont choose to do

| and its not because they have discovered that it is secretly best for the world

|| that actually this whole "choose to die so the population of the bay area will live" thing is bullshit.

||| and when faced with the situation they discover the true utilitarian calculus which says that they should live and have lots of babies.

| there is no reason written in the stars for human beings to choose to do what is best for the world

|| and many reasons why humans would not

|| most humans wont choose what is best for the world, even after "learning" about utilitarianism and tdt

|| a small minority of humans will choose closer to what is best for the world, even before "learning" about utilitarianism and tdt

||| this is historically observable, and in my experience their choices are not a fluke. they will generally make altruistic choices again and again. they will go back in time and do it over again.

||| the spectra of human responses to social reality telling them to hurt others show up in things like replications of the milgram experiment.

| between what people will yell at a hero to do and what they choose to do, there is a gap.

|| in a lot of people the gap is filled with excuses for why they chose what they chose.

||| things like "i am just fundamentally addicted to having babies, so to be altruistic i have to have them or i cant work" or "i need to have sex with young women so i can keep my confidence up and then later be super altruistic".

|||| two sides of the same coin, breeding.

| when i came to the bay area i was really confused why people would say things like "if you think the odds look too grim enjoy the time you have left" at winter solstice. or "smart people having babies is actually a galaxy brain way to save the world, the babies will save the world. you know, the baby army."

|| in a world in which the tradition and narrative by the majority of humans wasnt such that "have babies" was just a set thing you did. saying you are altruistic and then diverting your life path to spend an intense amount of time and energy and money on one particular human because they are genetically related to you, would seem like it would need justification.

||| similarly "oh i work at google" (which is one of the main machines powering the present omnicide.) in a sane world would elicit hushed whispers about how you are planning to sabatoge them without being captured by the system.

|||| like if you were working for a nazi munitions factory during world war II. instead of this world in which its something you just do, you know its a job. lots of nice smiling people work there and you have to feed your family.

|| and when i suggest that deleting genetic favourtism, so that no one could tell who they were genetically related to, would make the world a better place; people protested against this.

||| i wrote:

<<if humans were born into a world where they would rather die than see someone with blue hair harmed, or treated people with red hair as if they were as valuable as rocks, the world would be better off if the module that switched around personhood / moral relevance sensors depending on hair colour were turned off

being faceblind wrt 'who is my genetic relative?' seems like a similar gain in utility.

or if losing something sounds dismal, you could do a similar operation of turning on your 'this is a genetic relative' tagger for everyone. that might feel more warm of a thing to do?

this would free up so much energy and its super obvious that it would and i dont understand why people would be against it except for corrigibility issues. like "oh no if i dont think blues are special then blues might end up getting less resources and that would be terrible because blues are special to me!! i want them to have all the resources. also? it would make people want to give more resources to reds? ew. whats the point, its such a waste."

O humans, i think 'remove genetic discrimination y/n?' has a pretty straightforward answer!!!

id give everyone a button to do this. (i wouldnt give everyone a button that was like 'PRESS THIS BUTTON TO DIE INSTANTLY' even if it was keyed such that only the person targeted could press it. i would oppose someone who tried to give everyone such a button.)>>

||| sexual reproduction in the year 1200 would still happen because to not reproduce would be to doom humanity to extinction. but it would look a lot different than it does now, and the ways humans would make choices would be a lot different.

|| until i worked out that all of these were excuses constructed to fill in the gap between what someone would yell at a True Hero and what they would choose to do themselves.

--

in a world like this, their are attempts at every level to bury what someone running utilitarianism and altruism on their brains looks like. by the majority of humans who want to have something like "im def altruistic i swear i can prove it by all these metrics ppl around me has agreed mean that im working for the good of the world. im also totes addicted to babiez. *peace sign*"

when i say this sort of stuff people react like im trying to set up a norm where people are socially ostricisized. but like how would that work when social is overwhelmingly made up of people who made this exact choice?

im talking with humans who are aberrations from those who choose to be what the majority coercively designates to be "human".

i dont think everyone who chooses to not have babies has a neurotype such that they wouldnt zap someone in the milgram or be able to die rather than reveal the location of the rebel base. i dont even think its a particularly good indicator. i think both are indications of choosing not to work for the good of the world in a way sufficient for the doom our planet faces.

--

this is just one example, i focus on the babs side of the coin cuz for some reason "i need nubile fems to power mah komodo mojo to enter ultra altruism mode!!! >:DDD". has been locally socially cached as not actually sincere. and seems to actually have worse externalities in terms of sexual assault. though it not seeming credible might be because very few of the humans i talk with are normie cismasc. im not sure the extent to which people like katie cohen exist.

there are a lot of other instances of the gap, like "if you were a true altruist, you would optimize for welfare across all sections of the multiverse including here and now. why not "enjoy life"? you are a person too and it is good if you are happy. this is just how humans work." whenever people say this to me i got really confused because "enjoy life" as some sort of atomic thing abstracted from broader meaning of the arc of your lifes optimization doesnt really make sense to me.

what things mean matters to me, a similar mental glitch i think happens when people declare that there are "good things" and smile over "cute gifs of animals" like if i had saved an animal from being killed as an instrumental part of my optimization for bringing about a new multiversal order then i could feel happy. it matters what stuff is upstream of things cutting this structure off in order to try and make an action set existentially safe to do, to have a social contract where no one can punish you for doing something no matter what is upstream of it, is moving in a wrong direction.

often done by someone who wants to give people some sort of modular mitzvah thing that its definitely safe to perform and bring the world closer to dath ilan in a decentralized summoning ritual. a complementary error way to gum up peoples epistemics about what is just is to unboundedly keep insisting that there is more structure and nuance upstream of what they are doing that justifies (makes just) what they are doing. like how ▘▕▜▋ kept insisting that there was more nuance and reasons why beating emma with a stick was actually helpful to the world. if you just look at everything thats upstream.

both these strategies try to move the social equilibrium away from justice.

see what is upstream of stuff, search to find if the person seeking to kill a human is avenging the deaths of three others, fulfilling a timeless contract to save lives. look at who started it and who is optimizing for good ends.

[silveringblogs]

Since there’s nowhere else I can talk about something like this, here we go. (Sorry about the following social diary entry)

I’ve questioned gender and sexuality a lot. Not just my own, but whatever the hell society has made of it. What does it mean to be female or male, gay/lesbian or straight? Why does it have to look like that? And why do we care so much, especially about how it looks?

There have been many ambiguous signs in my life to make me think “wait, what was that? Does that mean I’m gay? Does that mean I’m not supposed to be a girl? The hell is this shit?” Things like my preference in toys during childhood, my preference in clothes (as a kid I didn’t really have a preference, but now it’s become much more specific), and my preference in people would all spark the question which was—at the time—“is this normal?”

Something I’ve been struggling with more lately is my appearance. I mean god knows everyone struggles with their appearance, it’s kind of a requirement to be human (stupid lucky lizard people...) but the way I prefer to dress nowadays has made me think about my history of self image and over analyzing the “signs” of my queerness.

I like plaid. Maybe too much. I’ve made it a personal goal to have about 3 different shades of each of my favorite colors. And I have like 4 favorite colors.

I’m very much considering buying men’s jeans just for the pockets. It would be nice if they fit ok and didn’t make anything look to saggy or not form fitting, but it’s mainly for the pockets, becaaaaaause....

...I’ve decided to ditch purses. After the experience of just putting my damn wallet in my back pocket like a sane person for a couple days in a row I realized how much I hated purses. They’re a burden to my mobility and I’ve never been comfortable with how feminine they make me look.

Despite the preference for skinny jeans, I prefer larger (or “unflattering”) clothing that make my personal gender identity look a little ambiguous. Many would say (and so would I, until I correct myself) that I prefer to look masculine. First, yeah so? Second, what does that even mean?? What SHOULD that mean? I don’t think it SHOULD mean anything but it apparently means a lot. And there’s where a lot of my stress comes from.

The struggle of looking “masculine”vs”feminine”

It’s true that, according to societal views and standards of gender and what it should look like, I would appear to prefer for masculine. I’m fine with that. Well, obviously, because I prefer that. But when someone decides to come to conclusions about me based on that snap judgement, they’re reinforcing a stereotype that isn’t helpful AND that looks over details about me. There are many ways in which I prefer to appear masculine. HOWEVER. There are touches of femininity that I want to keep. One is my fuckin perf winged eyeliner cuz I look great and I’m great at doing it. Another is my choice of earrings, or my choice to wear earrings at all (idk, some ppl see any earring as feminine, w/e). And lastly is I like painting my nails and doing creative nail art.

Now, since this is tumblr (and anyone who’s still reading this is a TOTAL champ btw, I appreciate you so much) many of you are thinking “but none of those things are or should be gender specific. Everyone is free to wear what they want, so don’t worry so much about it!” Oh but tumblr reader, I do worry. I worry a lot. About a lot of things. It’s what I do. I’m actually quite good at it.

I don’t mean this post to be some kind of social justice PSA, or my rant about gender norms. It’s more like a social diary entry. Because if I say it in my journal, no one will see it. But if I say it on Facebook, everyone will see it. You guys are my safe place, where I can shout into the void and probably no one will hear.

But you still hope someone might.

Because I’m feeling frustrations about things I can’t talk to other people about, and I can’t afford therapy yet. Because I’m scared about what I might discover about myself since it will be different than everything I believe myself to be. Because I have a voice and I need someone to listen.

If I haven’t bored you beyond belief (then what’re you still doing here?) then go ahead and tell me your thoughts. You don’t even know me, or I you, but I’m interested in what you think about how I feel. And if I get no messages, that’s fine. Because I did this for me, and I finally have it out there.