#currently i live with parents so i am curious who else is in the same boat

[sugarstock]

a little poll because I'm curious how people are currently surviving.

[trikaranos]

TRIKARANOS CHAPTER I: S·T·T·L

TRIKARANOS is a comic about Crassus until it isn't. Intended for an adult audience.

⭐ Trikaranos will always be free to read. In the near future, you’ll have the option to support this comic & my ability to spend time making it (I Am Extremely Fucking Broke And Have Bills To Pay etc etc) through Patreon! currently, I have a tip jar!

⭐ There is no set update schedule (chapters vary in length and will be posted as I finish working on them)

⭐ alternative places to read it (coming soon!)

CREDITS all additional art used are in the public domain, and the specific images used are open access, etc

🍊the first collage panel is combination of: Plate 113: Greeks Battling the Trojans (from Ovid's Metamorphoses), Antonio Tempesta / The Trojans pulling the wooden horse into the city, Giulio Bonasone (after Francesco Primaticcio) / Terracotta hydria displaying Achilles waiting to ambush Triolos and Polyxena 🍊the second collage panel is: The Lictors bringing Brutus the bodies of his Sons, Jacques Louis David / the paint over of Brutus executing is own sons is my own work based on the composition of this relief of Brutus and condemning his sons to death. 🍊I also used my own art: a panel from the Prologue, and my own illustration of Brutus with the bodies of his sons

📖 PREVIOUS CHAPTER | START HERE | ToC (under construction!)

UNDER THE CUT creator’s commentary, ancient citations, whatever else seems relevant. ideally, this is optional! you shouldn’t need the citations for it to make sense as it unfolds since it’s a comic and a story first and foremost, but it’s here if you’re curious about something or want to see where the inspiration is coming from!

I'm so fucking normal about Crassus and his family (<<< this is a lie)

Marcus Crassus was the son of a man who had been censor and had enjoyed a triumph; but he was reared in a small house with two brothers. His brothers were married while their parents were still alive, and all shared the same table, which seems to have been the chief reason why Crassus was temperate and moderate in his manner of life. When one of his brothers died, Crassus took the widow to wife, and had his children by her, and in these relations also he lived as well-ordered a life as any Roman.

Plutarch, Crassus

like, it actively fucks me up that this is something that's survived about him for over 2,000 years. they all ate together at the same table. Jesus Christ.

so! Crassus' dad! Publius Licinius Crassus (consul 97) fought on the side of Cn. Octavius (consul 87) in the Bellum Octavianum, and it didn't go great for him.

Crassus: A Political Biography, B.A. Marshall

also. currently, if you look Publius Licinius Crassus up on wikipedia for an overview, his page lists his son (and also my main character for this comic) with the cognomen Dives, which is in-fucking-correct.

Marcus Crassus and the Late Roman Republic, Allen Mason Ward

and to circle back to houses and meals shared with family, some citations that made me feel some kind of way when I read them

Marcus Crassus and the Late Roman Republic, Allen Mason Ward

finally, there is discourse or whatever on the placement of the sons of Publius Licinius Crassus. Crassus is the baby brother here simply because I'm writing this story and I get to pick the themes, but also because no one has provided a solid enough argument for him being the second eldest son that I'm willing to buy into with enthusiasm, and I'm more inclined towards G. Sampson's conclusion on the matter.

Defeat of Rome: Crassus, Carrhae, and the Invasion of the East, Gareth C. Sampson

and while I'm just kind of talking about stuff that I read that I enjoyed, this article by Martin Stone lives in my head rent free

A Year of One's Own: Dating the Praetorship of Marcus Crassus, Martin Stone

[mystycalypso]

OKAY LETS TRY THIS AGAIN

Welcome To Ravenbrooks season 2 Theories before it comes out

Disclaimer uh- these are the ramblings of a mad man named Jack (me). Mainly so when it does eventually come out I can see what if anything I got right. Now lets get into it below the fold.

1. It's revealed that Jay Roth (Nicky's dad) is the one who died in Trinity's old house

We know in both the book and games and even the pilot, Nicky was the one living across from Mr. Peterson, but now it's Trinity's home. I think the grief of what happened in that house is why they moved

2. We'll get to see the rest of the Rescue Squad's parents

Pretty self-explanatory. I don't know what story purpose they'd serve exactly, aside from maybe how they react to their kids' shenanigans but it'd be really cool to see them. Especially Luanne Roth who I am currently head canoning to be neglectful in some manner (not necessarily on purpose) because of the lines about Nicky running away all the time and no one noticing he went missing.

3. We see a cultist in uniform

I think it'd be really interesting if specifically Trinity finds them mid ceremony or if bad things start happening to her family and she gets suspicious

4. The kids learn Mr. Peterson isn't "evil"

We know in the books that Theo is looking heavily into the cult, and he seems to be doing the same here. I think in Trinity's realization's she'll learn his real motivations for keeping them away, maybe even his side of the stories from episode 3

5. We learn what Trinity did

We have hints at what happened, obviously, but with the teaser image reusing the old photo of kid Trinity, l think we're going to learn what exactly happened and why it was so bad that they had to move towns

6. More nightmare sequences

From the hello neighbor franchise in general, we've learned that both Trinity and Nicky are prone to nightmares, and with the trauma they've gained from episode 6, I assume we'll get to see plenty other creepy cool nightmare scenes. (Seriously, just the maggots from episode 2 make me squirm physically when I see it. Every time)

7. Principle Abanante isn't dead

This might be clear to some, and yeah, it's far from the greatest stretch on this list but I think we'll see her again and maybe that she caused the school explosion

8. Delroy(and possibly Scout)'s investigations

I'm very curious about what Delroy was doing in the tunnels under the school, maybe doing his own investigations on the cult? Scout included to round out the Hello Neighbor hide and seek crew. Likely having to join forced with the current members of the rescue squad to stop a stronger force.

9. We see Theodore's brother in his "new form"

Not 100% sure if he became the Guest or the Thing, and I've seen good theories/evidence for both, but either way I think we'll get to see him with the knowledge that it's him.

10. We learn why Ivan acted the way he did in s1

He was more scared of just the mention of Peterson than anyone, and it's been bugging me since my first watch. I'd like to see if there's reason to his behavior or just general paranoia. Leaning towards the former, knowing this series.

11. Love triangle between Trinity, Nicky and Enzo

I'd really rather this doesn't happen. I hate love triangles so much. They're so dumb and useless and bad. But like I told kaydin during our third watch, I can feel it happening. It's breathing down my neck with the loud annoying sound of needless romantic tension.

12. The whole squad sits together at lunch

They escaped the basement together! The least they could do as friends is actually eat lunch together instead of Nicky and Trinity sitting seperate from everyone else

13. Nicky and Aaron's relationship is revealed

I'm really, REALLY hopeful that their friendship isn't retconned in the series. It was great motivation for Nicky to be investigating Mr. Peterson, and is also just generally sweet.

14. We see Aaron

Nicky was the basement for a couple of weeks. However, Aaron was in there for months! I'm eager to see how he is both mentally and physically. I feel like he's either gonna be much, much worse than Nicky or somehow way better.

15. Quentin becomes my favorite character

This is mostly on here as a joke. I'm not gonna lie, I know he'll be at least a favorite because he's my favorite Hello Neighbor game character. Like- the squeal I squealed when I saw his van and silly Hawaiian shirt was immense. I love him so much, and I hope he gets good screen time.

16. Nicky loses his bag

This is more just a- gut feeling? He's gained it as a sort of comfort item, it seems, and I feel like with the nature and badluck of Ravenbrooks, he's going to lose it. Bonus points if he has to choose between it or a member of the Rescue Squad

17. Mr. martaugh dies

Again, I have- no evidence for this. Yeah, he's in the teasers a lot, but like that doesn't imply he dies. Maybe I just really hope he dies because he's creepy /j, but yeah, uh- if it happens, I'll probably still be in shock even though it's on this list.

18. We see an on screen kiss

Tricky fans cross your fingers and pray, I know I will be. It'll probably just be a quick peck on the cheek, but I can just kind of feel it in my bones. Similar to the love triangle one.

And there you go! My predictions for Season 2!

As soon as it drops, you will probably see my reaction to it and a return to this list to see how close or far I was on these. (Spoiler tagged, of course) But until then, I will be patiently waiting, drawing, and rewatching the show too many times over (wonder if I can hit 50 watches before season 2 drops)

Cya!

- Jack

[cal-daisies-and-briars]

Lets goooooooo!!!! I’m back with oh so many emojis and oh so much gratitude to you for writing for them! It genuinely brings me a lot of joy and I really appreciate it!

⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️(im so loving this current era - like even when they’re talking logistics and eddie’s being hard on himself there’s still just so much love and happiness in the air!)

🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨(that last chapter was fabulous! Here comes covid and potentially a buckley parents visit? Very curious what that looks like in this world)

🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸(on the edge of my seat!!! This story is everything to meeeee!!)

🔮🔮🔮🔮🔮🔮🔮🔮(baby bobby i’m sending you love!)

🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟(cant wait for maddie and eddie and chris to be there so they can all live through hell together 💖)

👑👑👑👑👑👑👑👑👑👑👑👑(i love the name! And im so so excited to read this one!)

🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼(the angst from these snippests is really getting to me!)

💐💐💐💐💐💐💐(MAY!!!!!)

🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮(MY BELOVED CRANBERRY IS BACK YAY!!!!!)

I so love all your work (in case I haven’t been clear about that :p) but one thing I’m currently so impressed by is that you have three separate wips where buddie is established and yet the stories all feel so distinct from each other - they all stand alone and feel in character and aren’t repetitive! It’s so impressive and you’re such a talented author!!!

Thank you so much for this! Lots of love from your biggest fan!!!

AHH THANK YOU! That makes me so very happy to hear. I am so glad they all feel distinct and not repetitive to you! YOU ARE SO KIND!!!!

51 for ⚡️ (AH THANKS! I am really just trying to get them to a place where I'd be happy to leave them, you know?):

---

Eddie laughs. “Watch out, Los Angeles.” 

“It’s okay if we don’t get it,” Buck says pragmatically. “We don’t have to get it.”

“There will be other places,” Eddie agrees. 

“But I could see us in this one,” Buck says. “I didn’t feel that anywhere else.”

“Same here,” Eddie says. “I have a gut feeling about it.”

“Hmm, a gut feeling,” Buck teases. “Like the universe?”

Eddie rolls his eyes. “Sure.”

Definitely the universe. 

☆☆☆

On their last shift before the wedding, Eddie knows he’s not exactly tuned into work. It’s not like he’s doing a bad job, but it would be fair to say his head is a little bit in the clouds. Maybe more than a little bit. 

In his defense, there’s obviously a lot going on. He’s only got his vows half written. They’re waiting to hear back about the house. Different family members are flying in on different days. Chris is unhappy with his haircut. His parents are flying in, but are of course not willing to stay anyway near each other, so he’s got all his family’s different travel plans on the brain. He has about a hundred emails in his inbox from the venue - a restaurant in a beautiful old, stone building who are also catering - and the tailors. Most of which, Buck answers. Thank god. It’s just a lot. A lot of noise. 

Not that Eddie is complaining. He’s over the moon. Life has never been this smooth or good for him, really. If there’s a bit of noise as a result, he’s welcoming it. 

But that doesn’t mean he’s welcoming it and focusing on work very well. 

At this particular moment, Eddie is trying to check fluid levels in the engine, and finding it rather hard to focus. He’s checked and rechecked three times, and keeps losing track of the numbers before he manages to write them down. He feels like his brain has atrophied. He’s finally managing to scribble the correct numbers on the sheet on the clipboard - really, is he the right person for the clipboard chore? - when he hears Buck calling him from the edge of the mezzanine.

Eddie shifts his body to a better position to look up at him. 

“What’s up?” He calls back. 

“Gianna’s calling,” Buck points at his phone. 

Gianna’s calling! About their house! Their maybe house?

Eddie tears away from the engine so quickly he nearly stumbles. He jogs to the stairs and takes them two at a time as Buck answers the call. 

“Hi, Gianna,” Eddie hears him say. “Yeah, I’m good. How are you?”

Eddie hurries to Buck’s side once he reaches the top of the stairs, resting a hand between his shoulder blades. 

“That’s… Wait, really?” Buck asks. 

---

30 for 🚨 (eeee thanks!!!! Excited to share my plans!)

---

Yeah, that would be insane. That would be torture. 

“She’s going to be so mad at you for not telling her,” Buck teases. 

Eddie makes a little sound of complaint. 

“You’ll be right there in trouble with me.” He warns. 

Buck guffaws. 

“No way. Not me. I’m not precious to them like you.”

“Precious?” 

“You heard me.”

“You’re crazy.”

Buck really hopes it doesn’t end up causing social conflict for Eddie. He really wants to avoid that. Eddie is having a hard enough time with everything, with Chris gone, to also be in a bad spot with one of his closest friends. He hopes they can simply keep it under wraps for another week, then politely come clean after Buck gets his shield. 

In his brain, it should be straightforward. 

Reality? Never quite so simple. 

iii.

They make it until the shift before Buck’s official probationary graduation. Really, so close. So tantalizingly close. Eddie feels like an idiot for not being able to hold it together better. 

The problem lies with Eddie. With Eddie’s emotional confusion lately. Maybe confusion isn’t the right word. Emotional scatterbrain? That. That feels better.

---

75 for 🩸(THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

---

He couldn’t even find it in himself to feel bad about it. The scent of his blood filled the air. Eddie couldn’t even feel that hungry for it, either. The twinge of want was there, but the desire to avoid death was stronger. 

The man screamed in agony, and presumably toppled forward. Presumably, because Eddie’s not sure what else would have caused his rifle to go off. Either way, an ear-splitting crack of the gun discharging filled the air. 

Eddie thought for a moment he must have accidentally shot himself in the head, because the screaming stopped. What an easy end to all of it that would have been. But after a moment of shock, his wailing started again. He shot himself, but not fatally. But he could still be holding the weapon. 

Eddie had to be careful. He couldn’t die there, after besting the asshole. After proving himself something more than a mindless monster. More than helpless prey. 

He crept as quietly as possible out from his hiding spot and craned his neck to see the man. He lay moaning in a sort of fetal position, shin snared by the animal trap, mangled and bloody. His right arm was more or less blown off. Something about the sight of it brought Eddie right back to Afghanistan. He’d seen so many limbs that ended up just like his. Three bullet wounds of his own over there, and it was a wonder none of his ended up the way. 

The important part, the crucial part, was that the rifle lay discarded, several feet away from the vampire hunter. In his state, the man couldn’t reach it before Eddie. 

Which meant Eddie was the hunter now. 

Or maybe not a hunter. Maybe that was the wrong word. Maybe Eddie was more like some sick scavenger bird. Picking at what was already practically a corpse.

He walked out, into view. Heard the man give a little moan. He bent down in front of the gun, removed the magazine and tossed it in one direction, then chucked the gun down the hill in the other. It rolled into the creek, lost. Good. When someone eventually found his body, the gun would be identifying. Registered to him. Better it be gone. 

“Please,” the man moaned.”Don’t kill me.”

The muscles in Eddie’s face had twitched with revulsion. 

“You would have killed me,” Eddie reminded him. “Came all the way back here to do it.”

“I’m a man,” he sobbed in response. “I’m a human. I’m a father.”

If Eddie hadn’t been resolved to let him die before then, that did it.

“So am I.” 

After that, he did what he had to. He knew he needed energy for what he had to do next, so he drank. Not everything. Not enough to drain him. Though maybe that would have been kinder. Eddie took only what he needed.He took his money and chucked his wallet into the stream, same as the gun. He stole his car keys. He wiped his blood from his mouth. He left the man dying on the forest floor, covered in dirt.

Later, he would change the plates on the car. Later, he would do all he could to separate himself from this crime. And when he heard about it in the news later, there were no suspects. 

He feels bad about it sometimes. In small, quiet pockets. 

He shouldn’t. 

The guy would have killed Eddie first. He wanted to kill Eddie first.

Kim did kill Eddie first.

She killed Eddie first. She lured him. She trapped him. She hunted him. She stopped his heart. She left him for dead. She infected him. She stole over six months of time from him and his son. 

She did it first.

So Eddie shouldn’t feel bad about this, either.

---

24 for 🔮 (I am putting them THROUGH it):

---

A still, tense air to it. Something that makes Buck want to turn around and walk the other way. 

Instead, he follows Bobby and his family inside the house. 

The first thing he notices is the burnt kitchen. Singed wallpaper and damaged appliances. All the tell tale signs of a small kitchen fire. One that hasn’t had a chance to be properly cleaned and repaired yet. 

Is that what happened? Is that how Timothy Nash died? Buck has responded to a lot of small blazes like this in the seven years he’s been a firefighter. Not one of them has ever been fatal. It’s possible, but it seems unlikely. 

Bobby walks purposefully towards a plainly decorated bedroom and closes himself inside. Buck follows him, ending up on the same side of the door as Bobby’s private grief. He watches as Bobby throws himself onto the bed, curls into a ball, and stares at the wall. Outside the bedroom, Buck can hear the muffled sounds of Bobby’s mother and brother having what sounds like a rather serious discussion. Bobby’s face twitches as his brother raises his voice, but otherwise, he seems to ignore it. 

Buck looks around the room. There’s a pair of ice skates in the open closet. Hockey trading cards on a bookshelf. A discarded walkman on the floor. Buck checks what Bobby was listening to last. Who Can It Be Now? By Men at Work. 

Hmm.

---

33 for 🧟 (some of that here for you!)

---

“Like the radio!” Chris exclaims. 

Maddie scrunches her eyebrows. “The radio?”

“Maddie on the radio!” Chris insists. 

“I don’t know what you mean,” Maddie tells him.

Eddie chuckles. “I’ve been teaching Chris Morse Code. Something to pass the time as we travel, you know?”

Wow, what a really fun dad…

“Sure,” Maddie offers. 

“Some radio stations are still picking up transmissions. People putting out messages. Trying to reach people, spread info,” Eddie explains. 

Maddie nods. She’s heard a few of those. Never knew what they were saying though. 

“We came into range for one recently that uses the name Maddie.” Eddie says. 

Maddie raises her eyebrows. “Like the broadcaster?”

“No,” Eddie shakes his head. “The message. It’s just one phrase on loop.”

Maddie feels a little cold. 

“What phrase?”

“Maddie, I am alive,” Chris recites. “Sun. Books.”

The wind could not be more swiftly knocked out of Maddie if someone broke the rest of her ribs. 

“What?” She asks, barely a squeak.

---

36 for 👑 (Thanks! Islands in the Stream!):

--

The Buckley’s Beverly Hills mansion is very square. Very white and square and modern. Everything feels neat and sleek. It feels very Beverly Hills. Very new money. But, somehow, not very Maddie. Though, maybe he doesn’t know her well enough to say. 

A valet parks Chim’s car for him. He wonders if they notice the LAFD bag in the back stuffed with the clothes he’ll need to swiftly return to reality. 

When he walks into the elaborately decorated party, complete with waitstaff passing out trays of drinks and food, Chim feels like he’s in a strange fairy tale. Like he’s the thriving entrepreneur he once dreamed of being, invited to a party to network and schmooze. Like he’s the kind of son his father would have wanted. Would being at a party like this make him proud? The whole thing makes Chim feel a little dirty. A little out of place. In fact, a not insignificant part of his body is urging him to turn and walk the other way. 

But then he sees Maddie.

He sees Maddie, and he remembers why he came. Why he needs to be here. 

Maddie is standing across the wide, open foyer of her parents’ home, wearing a loose, knee length champagne colored dress that twinkles a little when she moves. She’s talking to someone. The man from the Christmas card. Her little brother. The one that was in Peru. They each have a half-full flute in hand. 

“Champagne?” A passing server asks Chim.They must see him eyeing Maddie and her brother and assume he wants what they have.

“No, thank you,” Chim mumbles. 

They keep walking.

Chim doesn’t quite know what to do. He doesn’t want to interrupt Maddie’s conversation. But he also doesn’t have any other reason to be here or anyone else to talk to. He feels a bit like a creep, standing there, staring at her. He must look entirely pathetic. 

After a moment, her brother notices.

---

18 for 🔼:

---

 “Well, uh… Alright then. I guess let me know if you need help building stuff?” 

They end up showering. Not the long shower she’d hoped for, but something quick and efficient. If Eddie comes over - and Buck doubts he will - he doesn’t want him to arrive in the middle of that. Actually, the thought sort of horrifies and embarrasses him. Though he can’t say why. 

And, as it turns out, not even five minutes after they’re done and dressed, there’s a knock on the door. Buck is genuinely floored by this.

“Guess that’s a no on needing help,” Ali mumbles as Buck heads downstairs to answer the door.

When he opens it to see Eddie standing before him, his first thought is that Eddie sort of looks like shit. This is not the sort of thought he’s used to having. He’s used to feeling a strange sort of jealousy he doesn’t quite comprehend regarding the opposite thought. But here Eddie stands. He’s unshaven. There are dark circles under his eyes, which look a little puffy. There are indents in his bottom lip from where he’s been anxiously chewing on it. 

“Eddie? Uh, are you okay?”

---

21 for 💐 (YEAH MAY!):

---

“I guess not,” May mumbles eventually.

She’s staring very hard at her mug of tea. 

“Hey, another question,” April says, stepping closer to her. She smells like eucalyptus. That’s fucking annoying. May likes the way eucalyptus smells. Cool and earthy.

“Sure,” May replies, voice suddenly an octave higher than she’d like it to be.

“Are you done your paper for Professor Kellerman yet?”

Ugh. And there it is. Reality check. Right, because April is a bit of a shark. May gets a ninety? April will get a ninety-one? May finishes a day early? April has been done for a week. Fucking typical she’s bringing this up, right after implying that May needed help at the paint night social.

“No,” May says. “I’ve got a few hundred words left. Some closing arguments.”

---

33 for 🦮 (SHE'S BACK!)

---

She is more hyper than ever. Pacing more than she usually does, like she had that first night in Buck’s apartment, when everything was unfamiliar. She’s blowing him off on his commands sometimes. It’s not like her at all not to listen. One time he caught her rifling through the trash. 

The dog is bored. Buck is bored. Chris is bored. And they’re all getting a little bit of cabin fever. 

There’s a lot Buck cannot fix about this situation. And, hell, a lot he can’t even complain about. Really, he and Chris are so, so lucky. They’re safe, housed, fed, and not really exposed to any illness. Buck doesn’t want to feel miserable, considering. But some days he does. Even if he loves Christopher and Cranberry immensely.

“We’ve got to do something,” Buck announces one day in early May. 

“Something?” Chris asks. 

“Yeah,” Buck nods. “We’re all bored. And getting a little frustrated with each other, right?”

Chris sighs. “Yeah. Sorry, Buck.”

“Don’t be sorry, bud. You’re not the only one. And it’s not your fault.”

Chris looks from where he’s seated at the kitchen table to where Cranberry is lying on the floor. 

“Sorry, Cranberry.”

Cranberry had picked up one of Christopher’s socks from the floor earlier that morning and he’d sort of lost it. Yelled at her. Then cried because he felt horrible for yelling at her.

[reitheon]

if you look closely, you’ll see my heartbeat on my stomach. tight strung.

i remember back when i used to do dancing i could see my heartbeat through my shirt after going particularly hard. nobody else ever mentioned it, probably didn’t notice. i tried to show my partner once, but i vaguely remember her thinking i was lying so surely she couldn’t have seen it.

i miss her. she won beauty queen of the whole island either earlier this year or last year. bizarre.

girls are so much grimmer than i think most boys realise. of course not all, but the obsession with murder, horror and so much sickness.. what is that?

some symptom of isolation? such few teen girls seem to have really deep friendships like i’m lead to believe there used to be. of course there are close and good friends, but idk. i think we used to share so much more of our lives with our friends back in the day. i hardly know any of my friends’ parents.

who knows.. i don’t know about the theory that the murder thing stems from a socialised compulsion to be prepared, to know the situations, the types of people that get you killed before they get in them so they can avoid them. though murder victims are quite disproportionately women in my experience they’re just as interested in the murders or disappearances of men, and why would they care if the motivation towards this type of media was so much about protecting themselves. maybe it’s some fractional facet of it in some cases, but i doubt it’s a large part.

what do boys in general even like these days? sports, some fifa youtubers maybe, hip hop culture,, maybe? oh god, those awful masculinity misogynist podcasts. i am so completely out of touch with the average boy my age. but i imagine it’s all quite centred in all sorts of performative masculinity, not the real that is.

perhaps it’s that, the ever present fact of violence towards women being such a large part of what girls are taught about the world from a young age makes them perhaps both more accustomed to facing the awful realities of the world as well as morbidly curious about them, plus of course the delicious drama of murder, the titillation of an unsolved disappearance. it’s good content.

and my theory as to why men don’t consume the same kind of media at nearly the same rates is that the oh so frequent sexual under current of murder reminds them in a way that makes them perhaps a bit uncomfortable of what the dark side of the masculine ideal so many of them strive for often leads to, them as the bad, the deranged murderer. in other cases as well it may remind them of the other side, of women as the ultimate agent, capable of ending the man’s agency permanently as retribution for his abuses. the possibility of the ending of his life as a consequence for his actions. no doubt most men have some thing deep in their soul, some act they committed they know either consciously or unconsciously could be justly punished and all reminders that it may one day come scratches at that part of their soul.

what a funny thing power is..

how i adore the tao.

[probablyamberheart]

STRANGE MAN, STRANGE GAMES (Hyacinth | Frontman, Squid Game)

HYACINTH MASTERLIST

FrontmanxOC

1.3 K words

A loud, cheerful instrument played in her ears, bringing her to her senses. She groaned and rubbed her eyes, wanting nothing but to go back to sleep on this unfamiliar, soft, and comfortable pillow. Still resting her head on the pillow, she glanced around.

When the initial blur disappeared, she could see her surroundings more clearly. There were many mattresses around her, as if stacked over each other, like a large bunk bed. There were not just a few, but many such prison beds.

All the people were neatly dressed in a distinct green color that perfectly fit their bodies. Was she supposed to change before joining the game, too? How come that guy had not told her about anything?

She looked down at herself and gasped. She was no different. She was wearing the same clothes too.

Her eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

It was only yesterday that a strange man with strange-looking attire approached her in a Seoul subway station. She was sitting on a seat, still grieving the loss of her only family relation. He had offered her to compete with him in a rather delightful challenge, Ddakji, in return for money.

How could she refuse such an easy challenge?

Despite not having any money on her, since she had spent it all on her grandmother's hospital bills and paying their debts, leaving nothing for herself, at least she was confident about her Ddakji skills. She remembered playing Ddakji with her friends in school and in her neighborhood. 

Just like how she always won against her friends, she won against the man, much to his surprise. He gave her a kind smile and handed her a light brown-colored card with a triangle, circle, and square, and a number on the back of the card.

She gave a bittersweet smile. 'Now, what will I get by joining this?' she asked, shaking the card in her hand as she spoke to the man. Was he expecting her to gamble?

She realized that this was not just a fun game but involved gambling. Why would anyone in their right mind give away money for free? She had no money with her to play these gambling games, so why did he approach her in the first place? She had nothing that she could bet other than her own life, which she would never want to give.

'Ahn Ye-Jin, 31, Seoul. You were from a wealthy family in Seoul, but you cut relations with your mother and lived with your grandmother elsewhere until you aspired to become an actress and moved back to Seoul with your grandmother to fulfill your dream as an actress and your grandmother's dream of opening a traditional Korean side dish (Ban-chan) restaurant. You are currently in search of a stable and quick job to pay off your debts and your grandmother's hospital bills. You are also in a desperate search for someone who can help you file a case against the hospital your grandmother was admitted to.'

He stopped for a while and took a deep breath, smiling at the flabbergasted look on her face. 'If you join the games, you can earn a large sum of money, which can help you live a luxurious life until you die.'

She blinked in shock. 'C-can you repeat that again?'

'I beg your pardon. Repeat what exactly?' He asked, kindly, with his same thick accent.

Her lips quivered. She felt revolted about whether to delve further or leave it be, just like her grandmother always told her to. No matter how many times she asked her grandmother about her parents, she would remain tight-lipped.

'The thing about me cutting ties with my mother and moving somewhere else..' she started, 'Can you tell me more about it? Where did I move to?'

The strange-looking man only smiled faintly. 'I cannot disclose more than what I am supposed to disclose. If you truly lived your past, you would definitely remember it in the near future.'

With that, he dusted his coat and left her at the station, in her own thoughts.

She was left curious about the game.

Not for the money, but for the man who knew more about her past than she did. Did she know him before? How did she find out about her past from the stranger without knowing it herself? She had to find that man and know more.

She remembered registering herself for the game, reminding herself that she had just lost the only family member she had just a few days back and had no one who would care if she disappeared or not. After all, it was only a matter of six days.

She also remembered entering a strange, white van.

She remembered everything blacking out.

Now she was here in these weird prison clothes, a prison bed, and a pink prison room, with cameras almost everywhere. There was a large screen on top of the gate to this large room, which showed the number 456. What was that supposed to mean?

Everyone around her stepped out from their beds and moved to the base of the room. She followed a young lady with shoulder-length hair and did the same as the others did, reaching the base while looking around at everyone and everything.

There are quite a few in their twenties, the majority of people are in their mid-thirties or forties, and some hand-picked people are more than fifty.

As she walked down, she noticed a lady stay back and sit on the edge of her bed, holding her bloated stomach. Was she pregnant, or just bloated?

She felt concern for the lady. If she were really pregnant, she should be resting at home and taking care of her health, not being forced to move around, especially in a suspicious place like this. What was she doing here? What brought her here?

She shook her head, thinking it would be rude to ask her directly, and let her be. She continued walking down the stairs. After all, the lady probably had her own reasons to be here.

As she glanced around, she noticed a strange woman, with eyeliner tattooed under her eyes, giving a man a strong, pointed stare. The man had a number printed on his shirt and jacket. 456, it read.

That was when she realized that they all had a unique number of their own, distinguishing them from each other. She immediately looked down to see her number. It read 455.

Oh great. 456 on the screen probably reads the number of players. She is the second-to-last, and that man is the last player.

'-I sense you're holding onto many things. You can't leave or stay. You can't fight it. It's your destiny. You have souls hovering over your head who are lingering in this world-'

She rolled her eyes in exasperation and continued walking. The last thing she wanted to encounter was a lunatic who made money out of people's fears.

Poor player 456. He did not deserve to hear from that strange lady the very first thing in the morning.

She heaved a sigh and leaned against the rod of the tall bunk bed, casually hearing people's confused murmurs.

When almost everyone gathered around the bottom-most bed and on the base of the room, the gate opened. Almost immediately, the crowd of people fell silent, curiously looking over each other's heads to take a look at the person who opened the gate.

Some strange-looking people entered the large room. They were all dressed in pink, and each of them covered their face with a black mask and a white circle drawn on it. A person with a white square painted on the black mask stepped forward and looked at the crowd gathered in front of him.

'I would like to extend a hearty welcome to all of you.' greeted the square-masked person with a robotic voice, distinctively that of a man.

'Everyone here will participate in six different games over six days. Those who win all six games will receive a handsome cash prize.'

[sentientgolfball]

Ghoulette Appreciation: Week 10

This one was later than I intended it to be

Read here or on Ao3

Pairing: Mistshine

Word Count: 1215

Summary: Mist and Sunny have a lazy day. Some new information is discovered.

It’s been boiling hot for the last few days and every resident of the Ministry seems to be at their limit. Even the infernal residents want to do nothing more than laze around trying to stay cool. Sunshine and Mist haven’t left their room all day. Mist’s room is always kept cold with a small amount of her magick. Being from the deeps means she is more susceptible to the heat than an average water ghoul, plus the cold brings her comfort. It’s been a perfectly lazy two for the two ghoulettes. 

“Can I ask you something?” 

Mist jumps ever so slightly at Sunny’s voice. The two had been sitting in comfortable silence for hours now, each doing their own thing while enjoying the company. Mist looks up from her sudoku. 

“Of course you can.” 

Sunny props herself up on her elbows from where she’s lounging on Mist’s bed “What was it like for you…in the Pits I mean.” 

“Is there a particular reason you wish to know this?” 

“Mmmmm no, just curious. You don’t have to answer though if it’s…too much.” 

“How familiar are you with Lord Leviathan’s domain?” 

“I’ve heard the big man talk about it but I’ve never actually seen it.” 

“I see. Well as you know I am from the deep sea, a completely different environment than other oceanic ghouls such as Rain, Delta, or Chain.” 

Mist starts her story by explaining the structure of deep sea ghoul society. They are mostly solitary, the only packs that get formed are very small and usually made up of family. There’s heavily focused on yourself alive before anyone else, even if that means sacrificing another. They are wary of other ghouls, always cautious of any games they might be playing. They are also typically the most devout of the oceanic water ghouls due to their proximity to Leviathan’s underwater home. 

Mist was in a small pack made up of her parents and two siblings. They were average, nothing outwardly fantastic about them. They lived their life simply yet happily. That was until The Storm. To this day no one knows what angered the great Leviathan, but whatever it was was severe. For three days the oceans of Hell were locked in a storm surge, churning wildly with Leviathan’s fury. The waves were so great even the deeps felt the effects. In the chaos Mist got separated from their family, swept away with the raging current. Once The Storm finally settled Mist had tried to look for them, but after a few days of no success she gave up and focused on keeping herself alive. She never did find out if any of them were still alive before getting summoned. 

“Oh wow Mist…I’m so sorry that must’ve been horrible.” 

“It’s quite alright Sunshine” Mist assures “I have made my peace with it long ago.” 

“Still” Sunny presses a quick kiss to the side of her head. 

“I do have my own question though.” 

“Hm?” Sunny tilts her head. 

“Earlier you said you have heard the big man talk about it in reference to my question about Lord Leviathan’s domain. What did you mean by that?” 

Sunshine laughs a little “Well you told me yours so it’s only fair I tell you mine. Back in the Pits I was a court jester for the Seven Lords plus Lucifer.” 

Sunshine begins her story with how far back she can remember. Her father had been a fire ghoul in one of the legions created specifically to guard Pandemonium, that’s part of the reason Ifrit and Sunny got along so well right off the bat because the two were in the same legion. Her mother had been an air ghoulette who created art in honor of the Lords. For a while Sunny had been following in her mother’s footsteps, but when her other elements manifested and it was discovered she was a multi-ghoul instead of a hybrid, everything changed. She had been brought before the Lords as a prodigy, her parents humbly asking they provide her with a better opportunity than they could ever hope to give her. Lucifer Himself took an immediate interest in her. To this day she doesn’t know why, but she assumes it was because of her likeness to the sun. 

She had always been a performer at heart. It was something she genuinely enjoyed, something she was good at without even trying. That’s how she became the jester. She was their favorite, always present when all Seven met at Pandemonium. It was stressful always having to come up with new and exciting things to please the Lords for thousands of years, but it was thrilling. Sometimes though she does wonder if she hadn’t done enough and that’s why despite being their favorite she was summoned. 

“It’s okay you can laugh,” Sunny assures “being a court jester is a hilarious gig.” 

“That is an amazing honor Sunshine. Being able to be in the presence of all seven lords and The Morning Star is noble.” 

“Aw shucks Mist you flatter me. Really it was nothing special. I was just there so they had something to point and laugh at, or diffuse the tension so they didn’t kill each other.” 

“You must have been well cared for if He sent you Topside.” 

“I wouldn’t go that far,” Sunny shrugs. 

“He must have known you would be perfect for the Ghost Project” Mist states. 

Sunny stares at her for a moment before a grin cracks her face. She grabs both sides of her head and pulls her in, kissing her softly. Sunny pulls back, but keeps their foreheads pressed together. She combs her hands through Mist’s hair. 

“I love you.” 

“I love you too” Mist whispers before ghosting her lips over Sunny’s. 

Mist still can’t quite believe Sunshine is hers. She can’t comprehend the feelings she has for her. She does know that she’d do anything for her though. Mist knows she’d be happy to spend all of eternity with her. She’d jump into the circle with her if she ever got banished back to Hell. She'd tear this whole Ministry apart to keep her happy if she had to. 

Sunshine can’t believe it either. She never would have guessed Mist would actually make room for her in heart. The moment Sunny saw her for the first she knew. She knew there was something about Mist she had to discover. She couldn’t tell you why, but those deep blue eyes felt like home. Not the home she had been raised in, but something different. Something that felt like soft goodbyes and see you laters. Something that felt like watching the snow fall from inside a bundle of blankets on a winter day. Sunny would do everything she could to make sure Mist knows nothing but peace and love for the rest of her existence. 

The rest of the day is quiet. The two exchange more stories of their time in the Pits, mundane things and fond memories. Mist even indulges Sunny and tells her all about her time Topside before she was summoned. As Sunny listens to her she can feel the tug in her chest, deep in bones. In that moment she knows that there really is nothing that will ever be able to separate them. 

[theslackercorner55]

This is a deviation from my usual posts, but I am genuinely curious if anyone else who was or is still in high school ever delt with problem of being someone with mental illnesses, behavioral issues or neurodiverse and the school suggested/ put you on a IEP ( individualized education plan, thought probably it’s called something else depending on where you currently live) and your parents think it’s a good idea for you or was instilled fear and worry so they agreed only to have it not be like what they say it was and kept referring to your condition with extremely dated language?

And not only that but when you where in individual class rooms with multiple people with the same or different issues as you they would just give you a calculator and not actually teach you the math because they use the “ it’s your accommodation “ as an excuse not to teach you because they only like to teach it one way to the “ normal” or “ regular “ students? And when you would have standardize testing to pass a grade or to eventually pass high school they didn’t want the scores to look bad so they would take all of the “ troubled” and “ unwell” students and lock or put them in a room with very little supervision making you feel like you couldn’t get far in education because they said there’s not much they can do to help?

And this system they have causes students to get kept back so they can “ teach them more” but it’s just to retain them until legally they can’t go to high school anymore? Because I delt with that, and while I passed due to switching schools in a semi better environment there are still people still dealing with a system/ plan that teachers wrong on purpose.

IEP’s are useful and help many, but when the teachers or schools just use it for selfish and harmful motives ( mostly since it’s people of color and other non white races who get this treatment as me and countless others have experienced this) it’s just really disheartening. Especially since many schools get away with it all the time.

If you are someone who deals with that, or are in a school or academic system that infantilizes you for being mentally ill, neurodivergent, having behavioral problems or maybe just lack the proper motivation and are of need of different teaching styles your not alone. And they always wonder why kids end up getting there ged’s or just drop out and decide to work, despite living in semi progressive times there is a lot of things that are behind. And that especially includes the miss use of accommodations/ phases to negatively impact students and isolation

Or to put it more bluntly, school sucks, here’s a life in hell comic that sums it up:

[unbidden-yidden-deactivated20240]

Can you expand on "Personally, my ideal solution is that actually private property as we currently understand it wouldn't exist, and we would all each have rights and responsibilities to the land and the environment that were proportional, in which case this scenario wouldn't have happened in the first place."?

I'm just a little confused on what u mean I guess. Do u think all houses should be state owned? How do people have places to live under this I think I'm missing something

Also I promise this is in good faith I'm actually curious on how u think it should work

Look, I don't have a manifesto locked and loaded or anything, but the values I'm alluding to here are: (1) housing is a human right and our rules and social systems should be adjusted accordingly, and (2) the entire concept of "property" as we currently relate to it? Is kinda batshit.

The first one has been talked about at length by people smarter and more learned in that area than me, so I'm just going to talk about the latter.

For the latter, the first step is to question what it means to "own" something. Generally people use it to mean that you have the right to do anything (legal) that you want with it, and no one else gets a say. The only person with any legal rights here that can be enforced are the owner(s), and rarely are there other voices considered. The ability to be owned is a total negation of the owned-thing's interests and voice.

Now the obvious stomach-churning worst historical example of this is chattel slavery. Obviously we rejected that as a society, even if we now have other forms of slavery/forced labor. But think about how that idea hasn't truly gone away in the underlying attitudes that many adults (especially but far from exclusively parents) have towards children. Children rarely have rights and typically the most they can legally demand are protection. And even that is frequently sadly lacking in comparison to the "right" of a parent to see and raise their child with or without regard to the child's consent.

Wives also faced similar issues until very recently in history, and there are still plenty of men who feel strongly about their "ownership" rights over a particular woman's sexuality, domestic labor, reproduction, etc.

Why am I talking about the shitty ways in which people claim power over one another through the schema of property rights? Because we have progressed just enough as a society to understand how patently absurd it is to think you can truly "own" a person or any aspect of their being. (Usually.) Because most people can appreciate that other human beings also have voices and independent thoughts and desires from you. It's the far end extreme example of an idea that is, frankly, inherently rather absurd, and that's why I lay it as an outer boundary.

Some people have moved on to also understanding how absurd it is to think we own non-human animals as well. There are unfortunately people who will then use this to anthropomorphize animals and argue for animals rights, etc. which is not what I'm arguing here. But I don't think you can ever really own the totality of an animal - it is never going to be an object, without its own will or desires. Anyone who has had a pet or livestock understands this from experience.

But can the same thing be said about land? I would argue: Yeah, Actually. People think that land is not alive, but they are wrong. Any gardener can tell you otherwise. The dirt is positively teeming with life, even if it is invisible to the naked eye. All things that live there depend on the health of the land they live on. People do get the idea that you can't just separate the effects a dump or radioactive waste treatment facility with an invisible legal line, but they don't apply that same idea to everyday activities such as, for example, pesticides. You want to grow an organic garden in your backyard or set up beehive? Too bad, your neighbor wants to use Roundup on her begonias and your other neighbor can't stop mowing his lawn within an inch of its life.

So the idea that our land (and water, and air) usage is atomized and individual, subject to the whims of whatever owner happens to perchance buy it is absurd for environmental reasons, obviously. (American individualism is a disease.) But even moving beyond that - I really don't understand how anyone thinks that you can truly "own" land. If anything, we are creatures of it, owned by it, rather than the other way around. In the Hebrew Bible, the first human was Adam, which comes from the word for soil: adamah. We are the beings of the earth, and we are set up as caretakers, stewards of it. But even moving on from a spiritual justification for this belief, have you tried to control a piece of land? A house is a constant battle against time, weather, erosion, and tectonic shifts to keep it stable and functional. The land and its living soil and living waters and living wind will beat down all human efforts to the contrary and grow wild over them given enough time without human intervention. That is the nature of things. The land is alive and we owe it to ourselves, our neighbors (human and not), and the land itself to be in relationship with the land rather than deluding ourselves that we have dominion over it like some kind of mini-gods. And that is true for water and air as well - both also living and essential aspects of our world that we need to be in relationship with rather than continuing to take and take and take without giving anything back. And we're starting to see the bad effects that has on us; if we injure our natural environment and fail to care for it, our health will also suffer and the land will not be able to provide for us.

So I would just as soon see this absurd idea of owning land abolished and replaced with some sort of system of responsibility and accountability towards the land in partnership with the idea of providing shelter to all people.

Do I have any ideas about how to accomplish this from a culture shift or administrative perspective? Absolutely not. That's why it's an ideal rather than a practical answer.

[justsomeoneintoomanyfandoms]

Hello! I honestly don't remember if I requested here, but if I didn't, then would it be okay for me to get a matchup for demon slayer, haikyuu, and one piece? the options for famdoms were really hard! you have good taste :)

pronouns: she/her

sexuality: bisexual

zodiac: virgo

appearance: 4'11. pear body shape. dark brown hair that reaches up to my chest. brown eyes. brown skin (i'm hispanic).

personality: from what others tell me, i am honest, sarcastic, patient, and too kind (like being respectful to the ones who give me attitude, saying sorry to a chair, etc). i like to follow the rules and will only break them if necessary. i'm the one who makes sure everything and everyone is alright (sane). i easily get flustered, and you will not notice it until you see my very red ears. i'm also a VERY curious person. It has gotten me in trouble or hurt here and there. i'm quite prideful, but i've been slowly learning to apologize and accept that i am not always right. i'm not the most observant person in the world, like the many times i get stared at and don't notice until someone points it out to me. but i do get observant (or at least i think) with the people i love. i always want to make sure they're okay. i can also be quite mischievous. i'm not a very good liar. i always have an aloof face when i'm being honest or joking around, so people never know which is which.

hobbies: collecting (anything really). discovering/listening to music. playing (any kind of) games. reading. researching/learning. sketching. stargazing.

likes: art. chilly temperature/weather. cute things. fashion. games. learning. music. rainy days.

dislikes: bugs. being alone. coffee. hot temperature/weather. horrible fashion.

other facts: i work with dogs. i'm the oldest of four. i don't have many friends, mainly cause i want to live a peaceful life, but i do wish to have more friends. someday, i want to be able to start a family. if, for some reason, i'm not able to have kids, i want to adopt dogs, and cats, and ferrets (animals in general. i definitely want a goat!).

i'm so sorry if this was too long T-T if you accept my request then thank you for taking your time to read this! once again, thank you and have a great day :)

Hi! Thank you for your request! Sorry it took so long. Please note I am currently up to episode 574 (the end of Fishman Island Arc) of One Piece. I hope you like your matchups!

In Demon Slayer, I match you with...

I feel like you and Kanao would get along both as friends and as a couple. And that’s a good thing since she needs to be close to someone before she even begins thinking about them romantically.

Loves watching you make art. Whether it’s drawing, painting, sculpting, or something else and whether you’re amazing at it or not, she just enjoys seeing the creative process.

She really appreciates your honesty. Kanao struggles with understanding people sometimes through her lack of understanding of her own emotions. Having someone around who is open is really helpful for her.

Kanao is still learning to have her own interests but she likes fashion and is more than willing to follow you lead to expand her knowledge of the field.

In the same way, Kanao also really likes cute things. She would love it if you each bring back little nick nacks after you’ve been away. They’re cute little reminders of each other.

In Haikyuu, I match you with...

Mom friends! You and Suga are officially the parents of the Karasuno team. Are you going to be able to control them? No. But will you at least have each other? Yes.

Study dates are an absolute must. He enjoys studying as much as you do but he also enjoys having company while he’s studying, especially if it’s you keeping him company.

There’s no need to worry about being alone with Suga around. He loves spending time with you and if for any reason he’s busy, there are a bunch of friendly volleyball players more than willing to step in temporarily to take his place.

I see Suga as someone who isn’t afraid of a bit of teasing from time to time. Unless you feel uncomfortable being flustered, he’s not going to hold back so be prepared.

I think Suga would like cold weather as well, partially because he gets to wear comfy cozy clothes and drink warm drinks but also because he has an excuse to hold your hands. It’s just so neither of you get cold hands, he swears.

In One Piece, I match you with...

You and Usopp are an amazing match. You have your similarities but you’re also very much your own people and that helps your relationship flourish.

Both of you have your shortfallings and when you’re together, you help fill in those gaps in skill or knowledge. You and Usopp are a power couple in that you support each other in everything you do.

Will get rid of bugs for you. He doesn’t mind them but since he knows you’re not fond of them, he’ll do his best to remove them before you see them. It’s a small thing but it’s something he can confidently do for you.

Art buddies! Usopp loves that you like art as well. He’d love to do some creative dates where you each recreate the other in your favourite medium and they reveal the results at the end.

I feel like Usopp would also really like stargazing with you. He finds it relaxing and takes the opportunity to gaze at you as well while you’re too distracted to notice.

[akariray]

#iwaoi #mafia

Oikawa Torū, a well known volleyball player encounters his childhood friend and past lover who just happens to be the leader of a dangerous mafia group.

Oikawa POV:

Hi there, I'm Oikawa Torū, currently 18 years old. As you all know I'm a famous volleyball player. I'm walking home back to my house after practice with my team. While walking I heard people talking near the alleyways. Wait what? People talking near the alleyways? There shouldn't be anyone here since these areas are close. Oh wait, I'm here but nevermind that. I got curious so I walk closer to the sounds of whispers.

"Oi, when are they supposed to arrive?" "I'm sorry boss, it seems they are in a traffic jam right now." "Tch tell them to hurry I'm getting impatient." "Yes boss!"

Geez bossy much? The man said boss, are they the people who killed those victims? I heard on the news that a group of mafia are now in town and were found killing people near alleyways. Omg, I'm scared. Mommy pick me up! Oikawa focus! They are mafias, get out of here first! As I was about to speed walk out of there I heard something unexpected that made me stop.

"Iwaizumi! Sorry we're late, there was a traffic jam." "Geez you're so loud, what if someone heard you, you idiot." "Sorry sorry. Anyways, are you heading to the base straight away or do you want to go somewhere else before we go back?" "I'm going to-" "Hm? What's wrong?" "Whose there! I know someone's behind the wall, come out before we drag you out!"

Shit! I need to get out of here. I put my jacket on and pull the hood over my jacket so they won't know who I am. I start running as I hear footsteps coming closer. I hear them yelling for me to stop but I keep running as my head keeps going back to what the other person said. "Iwaizumi? As in Iwaizumi Hajime?! You've got to be kidding!" I shout as I reach the beach since it was close. "Iwa-chan, my childhood best friend and my past lover is the leader of the mafia group?!" I shout in my head. I lay down on the sand, not caring if it was going to enter my clothes or not. I couldn't believe it, my best friend is in miyagi and a mafia leader.

Flashback: 3 years ago

"Oikawa, I'm going to the US for high school." Iwaizumi says to Oikawa leaving the older boy shocked. "Wha-what? What do you mean? What about me, us?! You promised that we're going to the same school right?!" Oikawa shouts as tears begin to fall to his cheeks. "I'm sorry, Kawa but I have no choice. My parents already arranged this for me so I can't tell them to just forget about it." Iwaizumi answers trying to calm Oikawa down. However, as he tries to go near his boyfriend to wipe the tears falling from his eyes, Oikawa kisses him and runs away leaving behind his "final" message "Fine, goodbye then, Hajime."

Flashback ends.

"Fuck, only now did you come back? You're so mean, Iwa-chan." I get up and brush off the sand and walk back home. "I'll think about this later, I guess." My parents are currently out of town for the whole month so I'm living alone at the house. I arrived at my doorstep, got my keys out of my pocket and entered the house. I locked the door behind me and started heading to my room. Once I entered, I quickly put my bag on my desk and went into the bathroom. After I took a bath, I went downstairs and into the kitchen.

I looked for something to cook in the cupboards and quickly chose the ramen. I started boiling the water when I heard a knock at my door. I went to the door and opened it slightly to see who it was.

"Atsumu?! What are you doing here?!" I say shocked that my best friend from Hyogo is here in Miyagi. "Hi, Kawa!! I'm staying the night here so open the door bestie." I open the door to let Atsumu in and he does "So, what's going on?" He asked while sitting down on the seat near the counter in the kitchen. As I turned off the boiling water and got another ramen for Atsumu, I answered back "Huh? What do you mean?" "Don't play with me, Kawa. My gut told me earlier that something happened while I was on the train." I chuckle at the thought that he really cares for me. I look him in the eyes and put the ramen in front of him. I told him about the incident, about Iwa-chan.

"Wait- hold on." He pauses and takes a deep breath before saying "Your childhood friend is a mafia leader?!". Ouch my ears hurt, but I guess I don't blame him. I just nod and there is an awkward silence that followed after. As I was about to speak, I heard a knock on the door, and went to open it but only to regret it after.

[tiredelirium]

D.1

Sometimes I want to write about how I feel.

Sometimes I want others to read it.

But most of the time I don’t actually know if I even want anything at all.

I wonder if people I know talk about me when they’re bored or even just making conversation. If they’re mean about me. If they’re curious about me.

I’ve never been very good at interacting with others in the long term. Currently relationships don’t exist for me really. There’ve been times I’ve tried with friendships and partners, but it never seems honest or real.

One sided might seem too harsh.

I know others have tried to reach out, but I’m bad at accepting that hand.

Even now, its 2 AM on a Wednesday, oh though I guess that makes it Thursday now, and here I am writing thoughts out loud on a Tumblr as if i’m making any sense.

To anyone reading this, don’t start to get the wrong idea about what i’m doing with this. (You know who you are and how you think.) I’m just airing out the hollows of my mind and heart.

People (hopefully plural) talk to themselves all the time, in different ways. Maybe their mind races a mile a minute and the only way they can think clearly is to speak out loud. Maybe they speak so that they can better visualise their thoughts as they do so. Maybe its easier to find answers if you speak out loud.

So thats what this is.

Me speaking out loud.

I don’t have anything going for me, that’s the truth from my own perspective.

Self doubt. Body dysmorphia. Introversion. Disappointment. Sadness. Regret. It’s all there, buried beneath a smile i maintain for my parents, sisters, nieces and nephews. Something I’d never show them because it would worry them.

Its funny, I only really started to notice the fake smile I put on for others when I started work, which I was late to getting too. Most everyone would call that a fortune, not having to work for so long, but it stunted me I think. I mean, my lack of personal skills is clear as day to me anyway, though that could be the self doubt talking. Silences in communication drag on for so long. Others try to fill the void but all I can offer is an affirmation, a made up lie, or a smile that feels so fraudulent I want to down an entire beer just to see if that brings up something real. Inhibitions gone.

I don’t want to disappoint others, but trying feels false. And that leads to not trying at all. Which leads to relationships collapse, or a drift apart so long that no amount of bravery could see me reaching out to close that gap.

Around mid college, a foundation year, I started going out with a girl in my class. We were kinda forced together by other classmates we were close to, but it wouldn’t be a lie to say I liked her and I considered her a friend I got to know over a handful of months. We were into a lot of the same stuff, some bands, some games, some art. It made sense to try going out, but the first move was made when we were drunk. A kiss on a couch in a bar at 2AM with our friends watching us from around the corner.

Then university came. We went to different places, having already made decisions and had interviews long before we started dating. She asked me if I wanted us to keep dating, and I agreed. I liked her. It made sense, despite the distance between the places we’d go. And it was far.

University had its ups and downs, though I had far more downs. The course I chose was mostly because I had no interest in anything else and was uncertain. Art is subjective, it always will be, even if you produce something thats sympathetic to the masses doesn’t mean it’ll sell well or earn a living. My girlfriend was brilliant at art, and knew what she wanted to make. I was below average at best and though I had ideas nothing ever came out the way I intended it too.

Distance was hard. But it worked for us. We made time for eachother, perhaps too much time honestly. I don’t really know if she made any long lasting friends in her class outside of her flatmates. I know I didn’t, but thats a me condition I think. We visited each other during breaks, whether it was meeting up halfway or one of us visiting the other, it was always great to see her.

But.

I messed up.

After university, I struggled a lot with direction. My final grade was nowhere near good enough to guarantee any kind of role anywhere significant if I’d made connections. At the end of the day my lack of efforts weren’t even good enough to matter and I spent the majority of my second and third year playing catchup. I technically failed that course. Because of a single essay marked by someone who failed me by a single point and cost my entire second year grade. An essay i’d been told by the tutor who helped me write up and review it had said wouldn’t affect any final grade. I spent the first half of my third year making up that mistake with extra work and my third year work suffered for it.

I came home. So did she. And I spent some time looking for work. I applied for art-related jobs in our area at first. Screen printing, editing. But never got any responses back, because of how these processes go now and because they were scarce to begin with. I didn’t, and still don’t, believe I had the talent to be freelance in any way. It was disheartening and so I started to, little by little, reduce those aspirations.

She got a job within two months. A retail gig, but in a store she’d have a lot of knowledge on the products for. She could start saving. Meanwhile I was burning through the money I had left from university. By going so far away from home, my living grants were larger, and my third year place bad been significantly cheaper rent wise than my second year one, so I had about £500. After a year and a half that money was basically all gone. Spent on split-payment dates with my girlfriend, birthday presents for family, and stuff I just wanted.

And still I had no luck on job searching, to the point she didn’t believe I was looking. I sent out applications every week to different places. Got a video interview, a civil exam, and a slew of “we’re looking for other people” rejection emails.

I started giving up. I saw myself as a burden to this woman who could go and Do Things with the talent and work ethic she had.

Thats when I messed up.

My biggest regret, after five years together, I decided I needed to break up with her.

For weeks we’d started drifting apart, my own self doubt and inability to communicate properly at the fore. I messaged back less and less, and we’d arrange to meet up less. At first this was because I had no money left I could spend, but thats just an excuse. I loved her and I hurt her.

We broke up after she’d just got off work. I’d said we needed to talk and she’d intuited. She’d already mentioned a break up possibility not too long ago. But that might’ve been my mind making up another excuse. She asked me to bring some of her stuff from my parent’s place and I did.

We were in public, after I met her outside her work and we walked for a bit to a spot nearby. I wonder if passersby were curious what was going on when we sat down on a bench rarely used.

I lied.

I said I’d fallen out of love with her. Used little things from our past as fake reasons. Her lack of trust in me and any intentions toward other girls, because I was a guy from her point of view though that may have been grounded in something else. Her use of recreational drugs in the past multiple times without telling me, because i’d told her I wasn’t a fan of it.

I lied.

I still loved her.

But I couldn’t find work. And she wanted to move out of her parents place as soon as possible, and moving into my parents place wasn’t an option for her, and getting a place of our own wasn’t feasible without savings of any kind. I was an anchor who wanted to break the chain so the ship could go free.

Excuses.

I broke up with her and she got up and left with her things. I stayed for a second before standing up myself to leave. But then she came back, hugged me one last time. It was painfully tight. I didn’t cry, or protest. Because that would’ve given my lies away. I just accepted and reciprocated, and then she was gone.

I don’t doubt she cried on the way home and maybe through the night. Maybe she was mean about me. Maybe she was curious. Maybe she didn’t care at all.

I didn’t cry when we broke up, because I was in the wrong. She messaged me, maybe a few days after, asking if she was still allowed to talk to me. I couldn’t respond. Didn’t know how. Didn’t want to keep hurting her.

I cried later, when she thought I hated her.

Feelings are complicated and painful, and I hope if you read this up to now, yours aren’t too hard to bear. I know it hurts. My heart still aches in the quiet of every night. I hope you can find comfort in the words that you’ll be alright.

And I’m sorry.

[xtrablak674]

Never asked for a thing

Noticing that there had been some manicuring of the landscape around the edge of the road that served as a bike, pedestrian and jogging path, I recalled my first Summer Youth Employment job where it seemed I was working under the Parks Department's purview.

We did similar kind of clearings of paths in this area in the Bronx near a roadway that headed towards the Bronx Botanical Gardens. But the early job wasn't on my mind, what was the monies I made that year and what had become of them. I am sure that my grandparents put those funds into the investments that would become my college dowery. The thing that struck me as sort of odd, was I don't recall asking for a penny of it.

This is something you may not know about growing up living below the poverty level, you learn very quickly not to ask because we you know we just don't have it. I learned this lesson in the Shop-Rite watching my younger brothers beg for the sweet sugary cereal that they had probably seen on television. I had grown out of that behavior I had learned that isn't what you do. Mom would get upset and sad and start talking about making ends meat, it would take me a lifetime to learn what she was really saying. I am sure as a single working parent taking care of three tender-aged boys was a task in itself just keeping them fed, clothed and sheltered.

We took hand-me-down toys from the whyte children who lived in some upper floor in our building never complaining, because second-hand toys were better than no toys at all. My home never looked like my friends Robert's house with posters on the walls, shelves, all the latest toys and his own furniture and desk in the room he shared with his older brother in his middle-class home where his mother was a homemaker.

Our room included our mom's six drawer dresser made from compressed wood, with a mirror and three steel-framed beds reclaimed from a closing nunnery. Other than the blue-green paint no other decoration adorned the room. This was something I always noticed about the households of the poor, they seem to alway lack personal expression or future expectation. These spaces always seemed to live in the current moment not knowing if they would actually ever survive, they lacked permanence. I guess that is what being poor is, living in the present, not being able to afford the past and forsaking a future which may have more of the same.

All of this just made me more aware of my behavior in my grandparents home, I don't recall asking for anything, other than wanting my own phone line, which I was told the building couldn't support. I recall being hungry as a teenager and just got a job so I could just feed myself, and have money in my pocket that I earned. I never requested or asked for a Nintendo, a bubble goose coat or those fly new sneakers that everyone else was wearing.

I just accepted what I was given. Understanding when you don't have it makes no sense to even ask. I was now living in an upper middle-class household but I wasn't told this, my grandmother acted as if every penny was going to run away, making sure she never paid full price for anything, whether it be groceries or clothes for her ever growing grand-child.

I guess this is a good thing for future me, since I inherited her estate and have been living off of it for the last four years. I am very curious what kind of child would I have been if I had actually been able to want and need things like any other affluent child in a first world country. I am also curious about what kind of adult this makes me. And how does all of this still influence the kind of choices I make about the things that I purchase and the things that I want to purchase. How does depravity shape our identities and influence our future and present selves?

I can't say I have the answers to these questions, but will continue to ponder them. And feel blessed that I made it though, thank goddess I made it through.

[Photo by Brown Estate].

[homespun-stories]

Where Will The Baby Go?

For something that weighs around three kilos and measures in the region of 50cm, newborn babies sure do take up a lot of space. A little shy of three weeks ago, we brought our second baby back home—the same home we had brought back our first, just over four years ago. Many things have changed since then, not least the number of grey hairs on my head, but the one thing that has remained resolutely unchanged is the footprint of our apartment. 

The fact of this sat with me all through 2022 and 2023, as my husband and I journeyed down the path of growing our family and all the complexities (read: hope, loss, love) that kind of process often entails. But where will the baby go? I'd silently fret to myself before I was even sure I’d have a baby at all to hold in my arms again. Objectively speaking we live in a small apartment, with enough bedrooms for two-thirds of the current occupants, excusing our enormous house cat who cares not for doors or boundaries and considers any available surface her territory for a hard-earned nap. To be honest, I’d welcome that kind of laissez-faire approach to our sleeping arrangements, flopping from sofa to bed to rug, but social conditioning and my extremely Type A personality requires routines and structure. No, the baby would need a bed, just like the rest of us, and we would need to work out where that bed was going to go. 

It’s a profoundly modern and Western phenomenon, this suggestion that each individual requires their own bedroom or even their own bed. In the majority of countries around the world, co-sleeping and room sharing between parents and children is the standard practice of care, to the extent that it would be considered completely unreasonable to expect a child (let alone a baby) to sleep alone. In Japan, where co-sleeping ranks the highest in the world, sleep is described as a river, with the parents occupying the banks and the child as the flowing water held safely between. We co-slept with our daughter for the first six months of her life, although it wasn’t in the formation of a river but more like a motorbike (our bed) with a sidecar (her crib). Given the grunts, hoots and whistles she regularly emitted as she dozed, this analogy feels more apt than the backdrop of a babbling brook. In any instance, she was never more than an arm’s reach away during those thick, dark nights when every insane sound she made was heightened in the silence of a slumbering home. After that, we moved her into The Baby’s Room which we had decorated and furnished with playful odds and sods that said more about our whimsy of being parents than they did of any perceived personality trait of our child. It’s a curious thing, to decorate a room that someone else will occupy, without knowing a single thing about their tastes or interests.

The Baby’s Room had also been our study until that point, and when the time came to move the desk into the front room to make way for a changing table and crib, I felt slightly undone. I was ready to acknowledge that parenthood would come with an exchange of gains and losses, but there was something so bluntly literal about the act of becoming a mother that it necessitated my giving up a private place to write. I guess it’s a variation of that oft-debated line from Cyril Connelly: “There is no more sombre enemy of good art than the pram in the hallway." The irony is that it was only once my daughter was born that I found the capacity within myself to put pen to paper in a more expansive way, and during my maternity leave I wrote the first draft of a book proposal. Perhaps it’s an even greater irony that four years later I am writing these words whilst my son is wailing in the room next door, as my husband tries to rock him to sleep. Perhaps, like nature, art will always find a way. 

One of the consequences of giving up our study in place of The Baby’s Room, was the associated shame (entirely on my part) that came with living in a home that appeared too small for all our needs and wants. I come from a country that places a great deal of emphasis on the Family Home, variations of which most of my peers now live in and are currently extending, remodelling or digging out extensive basements underneath. Family Homes have a garden, enough bedrooms for everyone, a guest room, more than one bathroom, and the kinds of open plan kitchen-cum-dining rooms that are increasingly of a single aesthetic that populates all our Instagram feeds. Family Homes tend to come with their own social media accounts, so we can follow our friends’ #HomeReno updates and post fire emojis under pictures of construction sites. I have spent a good many years reflecting on what makes us feel good, mad and sad about home, and I can tell you that the insidious rise of interior design content which is beyond the skills and budget of the overwhelming majority is making a lot of us fucking miserable about our living situations. 

After a while, the question of where will the baby go stopped masquerading as a concern about where, practically, the baby will sleep, and revealed itself for what it was: a shameful desire to meet some kind of social norm as a Family of Four. This revelation came to me in the winter of 2022, after a shockingly awful year pockmarked by loss. During this time we had tried, and failed, to sell our apartment and buy a house. For nine long months our home sat on the market, and most weekends we spent our free time cleaning and decluttering so the estate agent could bring one or two people over for a viewing that never materialised into anything other than a pass. That weekend, in early December, when we pulled our home off the market and accepted our fate, I wept. It was another grief, of sorts—the ambiguous loss of a life I had imagined in our new house; one with enough potential to become a Family Home. 

These days, when I’m feeling a bit out of sorts at home and in need of a reset, I roam around the apartment and find things to fix or do—packing toys away in their rightful boxes, folding laundry, changing lightbulbs, that kind of thing. Invariably, I’ll end up standing in my daughter’s room gazing at all the things that make this space sing with her personality that we could never have anticipated when we picked out paint colours—the paintings bluetacked at a wonky angle on the wall, the rock and gravel collection, the basket of teddies, the plastic box stuffed with countless beaded bracelets she’s made for us all. I can’t even remember what it looked like when it was a study, and I don’t care any more. I didn’t lose anything when I moved my desk out, because it was never a trade to begin with. The day we turned that room into our daughter’s bedroom, we simply dialled up the joy in our lives. I couldn’t see it for a long time, but now I know that I’ve been living in a Family Home all along.

So where will the baby go now that we are four and our home is still, resolutely, the same size as before? He’ll go right here, of course—with us. 

[metalandmagi]

Winter 2021 Anime Worth Watching!

Since 2020 basically sacrificed itself to give us the most stacked anime season of all time, I’m currently buried under the weight of almost 20 shows airing per week. So for anyone who’s looking for some anime to watch this winter, here’s some first impressions! I’m speed running my list this time by only talking about the new shows...because otherwise this would be my great American novel. 

If anyone’s interested, I have master lists for both 2020 anime and 2019 anime, because there’s no shortage of fun things to find. 

New Shows!

And before anyone asks, So I’m A Spider, So What? isn’t on here, because CG spiders freak me out.

Cells At Work Code Black: This...less comedic spin off of Cells At Work (made by a different studio) takes the wholesome concept of Osmosis Jones meets cute anime girls and turns it on its head. In this much more depressing version, we follow a rookie red blood cell who works in the body of an overly stressed, alcoholic smoker who puts every strain on the body imaginable. I love Red Blood Cell AA2153 and his co-workers, but man am I glad we get the regular Cells At Work airing this season too, because I need something fun and uplifting after seeing my sweet son go through hell every episode. 

*Heaven’s Design Team: Have you ever wondered how God came up with some of the weird ass animals that live on this planet? Like, what’s the deal with giraffes? And why can’t we have dragons and flying horses? Well this is a comedy about the engineers and designers in heaven creating the new animals that are going to inhabit the Earth. That’s it, that’s the show. It’s kind of in the same vein as Cells At Work, having comedy blend with a surprising amount of educational information. If you want something light and funny, this is the show for you (though I don’t think it needs to have full length episodes). I’m just hoping there’s an episode about how the hell the platypus was created. Also it’s the only new one available on Crunchyroll.

Horimiya: A romantic comedy about a girl named Hori who fits the image of a perfect queen bee and a quiet bespectacled boy named Miyamura who never makes an impression at school. When the two meet by chance outside of the classroom, we see that Hori is practically raising a younger brother by herself, and Miyamura is actually a sweet guy who happens to be covered in tattoos and piercings. This show is an exercise in breaking down the images people have of others in their minds, and it’s a concept that really hits home in a fun and meaningful way. Honestly, this has become one of my immediate favorites. The characters have great chemistry, and I can’t wait to see more of them!

Monster Incidents (Kemono Jihen): When big shot Tokyo detective Inugami is called to a rural town to investigate a series of strange animal deaths, he finds a mysterious boy with the nickname Dorotabo who has been shunned by the other children in town. As the detective gets closer to Dorotabo, he discovers that there may be more...inhuman secrets to the boy than he realizes...and Dorotabo discovers that Inugami has some secrets of his own. This is a hard show to sell without spoiling the first episode, but it had twists and turns that kept me engaged from start to finish. I’m really interested to see where the plot goes, because I thought this was going to be something totally different just from the PV and series summary. If it plays its cards right, this could be a great paranormal detective show!

Wonder Egg Priority: A psychological drama about a girl named Ai who starts having dreams about a mysterious egg that promises to give her what she wants most in the world...a true friend. Before long, she begins to see how the dream world and reality are tied together, and trippy antics ensue. It’s hard to say more without spoiling anything, but I had to go back and add this one in because I made the mistake of thinking it was an OVA when it’s actually a full series. And what a series it’s starting out to be. This anime has all the psychological discomfort of a Satoshi Kon product with the beauty and style of something from Kyoani (even though it’s made by Clover Works). It’s really one of those anime you just have to see to understand.

Sk8-∞ (Skate the infinity): An original skateboarding anime from Bones, featuring a typical sports anime protagonist who takes a new transfer student who has never skateboarded in his life under his wing. Together they compete in dangerous races and take the skating community by storm. The character designs rival Appare Ranman’s in outlandish creativity, and I can smell the main characters’ ship dynamic a mile away (considering they’re exactly the same as the protagonists from Robihachi). If you’re looking for some wild and crazy fun with top notch skateboarding animation, don’t skip this!

2.43: Seiin Koukou Danshi Volley-bu (Seiin High School Boys Volleyball Club): Yes, it’s another volleyball anime. And no, it’s not just a clone of Haikyu. This story follows Yuni Kuroba, a physically built but emotionally weak teenager who finds out his childhood friend Hajime is moving back to their hometown for high school. Yuni discovers Hajime has become an exceptional volleyball player and they join their school’s volleyball club hoping to turn the unknown team into a rising star. If anything, this anime is much more like Stars Align or Free, where the sport is a backdrop for letting the characters explore their personal problems. Or at least it seems that way after the first episode. I went into this show ready to throw it in the trash because how could anything compete against my beloved Haikyu, but I found myself really enjoying the dynamics of the main duo and I’m curious to see what the rest of the team is like.

And speaking of sports anime rip-offs…..I can’t believe I’m including this but…

Skate Leading Stars: The show where the animators clearly wanted to design another throw away idol anime but saw how popular Yuri On Ice was so they decided to make whatever the hell this show is instead. It revolves around a fictional team sport called skate leading, and we follow the world’s most insufferable main character, a former figure skater named Kensei who wants to return to the ice and join his school’s skate leading team after he finds out his childhood rival is going to compete in the sport. Look, this show is just trashy enough to get a certain type of audience hooked, and it mainly has to do with the best boy of the winter season, Hayato Sasugai, the aspiring team “coach” who pulled most of us into watching this show with his punk appearance, snide comments and smug personality. He’s basically the lovechild of Izaya Orihara and Shizuo Heiwajima in a high school sports anime setting. The show treats itself with the perfect amount of sincerity to get away with being absolutely ridiculous most of the time without making you feel like you’re watching it from a dumpster...like Try Knights. You will know after one episode whether this show is for you. All I can say is, Hayato is worth the watch, and I haven’t seen any 3D animation used for the skating scenes (yet) so that’s a win for me. 

Honorable mention:

Jobless Reincarnation ( Mushoku Tensei): Yet another isekai where the main character is hit by a car (big surprise) and gets reincarnated into a fantasy world...but he happens to remember his previous life and narrates himself growing up as a jaded adult. I’m only including this because it looked amazing animation wise, and I love the opening where getting hit by a car and dying is actually traumatic. And I love the protagonist’s parents (who are retired adventurers who just want to bang all the time). But honestly...the main character is the fucking worst, and I don’t know if I want to keep watching it because of how creepy and weird he is. Like...he’s the hit on your fantasy mom as a baby kind of creepy and weird. But for anyone who wants a cool looking isekai that had an amazing PV, it’s worth checking out. 

Continuing Series!

Because the real gold of the season is in all the established anime getting their next seasons, I’m just going to list some of the things that are also amazing and definitely worth checking out if you haven’t already (because I’ve already talked about most of them at some point and don’t know what else to say).

Attack On Titan season 4

The Promised Neverland season 2

Beastars season 2

Log Horizon season 3

That Time I Got Reincarnated as a Slime season 2

Re: Zero season 2 (second cour)

Dr. Stone season 2

Cells at Work season 2

Osomatsu-san season 3 (second cour)

Higurashi New (second cour)

Jujutsu Kaisen (second cour) 

Not to mention all the shows I don’t watch that everyone else loves...like World Trigger (which I have seen quite a bit of, but long shounen shows are too much for me now) Quintessential Quintuplets, and Non Non Biyori. 

So there’s just some of all the anime airing this season. Hopefully, someone can find something they like. Here’s to a great year...well, of anime at least...

[chateautae]

maybe i do | kth. I

➵ summary :  maybe you love each other, maybe you don’t. when a deal between your fathers leaves you forcefully wedding kim taehyung, arguably seoul’s most powerful CEO, you’re prepared for a loveless marriage of eternal regret and unhappiness. but maybe, it doesn’t turn out that way after all.

↳  part of the high-class series!

➵ pairing : taehyung x reader

➵ genre :  arranged marriage!au, ceo!tae, s2l!au, eventual smut, fluff, angst 

➵ rating : 18+

➵ word count : 11k

➵ warnings : swearing, alcohol consumption, anxiety, lots of feels about marriage, a stupid ex (reader’s), mentions of bad sexual experiences with ex (there’s consent, just bad sex that makes the reader feel shitty), does ceo tae count as a warning? 

➵ a/n: hello my first fic of my favourite trope arranged marriage, AND with kim taehyung?? yes pls !! this will be a series and I’ll be actively working on it so you don’t have to wait too long for chapters, i hope you can follow this series with me <33

chapter one : “my forever’s falling down”  

prev. ↞ || ↠ next  || masterlist

“Another one, Father? I thought I told you my secretary would be handling marriage profiles from now on. Stop concerning yourself with who I marry.” 

“But I do, son. Trust me, I know this girl, she’s the daughter of a trusted friend and I think she’s a good match.” 

“Father, everyone you choose for me I dislike and it’s distracting me from my work. I don’t need this right now.” 

“She’s different, Taehyung. I personally know her and I’m certain you won’t say no.” 

“And why is that?” 

“There’s something about her you won’t refuse, son, you’ll notice it when you meet her.” 

“I don’t want to meet her, Father. Like I said, I need to work.” 

“I just knew you’d act this way. Want to know something, son? I’ve made her part of a business deal, you can’t back out of this.”

“What? You made her part of a business deal?! Why would you-”

“Because you wouldn’t have given her a chance otherwise, you haven’t been giving anyone a chance since I’ve been setting up potential partners for you and I’m sick of it. You said you were open to an arranged marriage, where’s that attitude now?”

“Because, Father, I have a company to run and that’s-”

“No. I will not allow you to reduce your life to just this company. There are far more enjoyable things in life than a business.”

“But Father-”

“No, Taehyung. One thing you need to learn is balance. If you don’t give anyone or anything a chance you will live a lonely life behind your desk. Even in this cutthroat world of business where you can lose money or be betrayed by anyone at any moment, the most painful thing to suffer is loneliness, and I won’t let you live in this world alone.”

“Dad-”

“You will meet this girl, Taehyung, end of discussion.” 

“Dad! I told you I want nothing to do with your company, how could you let me get dragged into this?!” 

“Y/N-ie, I know you value the life you have without any of my help, but let me help just this once, especially with finding a husband. I’m being offered the deal of a lifetime and I can’t refuse, he just happens to be part of it. I need this for the company, please.”

“But Dad, I don’t even know him. And if he’s the CEO of some rich company he’s probably an asshole, I’m not doing this.” 

“Y/N-ie, trust me, I know his son. He’s a sincere, hard-working man, I promise.”

“Yeah, right. Even if that’s the case, I still don’t know him, let alone love him, Dad. How can you make me marry someone I don’t love?”

“Because you can learn to love him. There are no rules concerning the way two people should fall in love, love doesn’t always need to come first.”

“But Dad-”

“My daughter, I have not asked you for many things in my life, but this is one thing I must ask of you. Please, just meet him, don’t say no without even trying.”

“Dad, I don’t know-”

“Please, Y.N, do it for me. If not for the company or money, please do it for me.”

And here you were, fidgeting with the tips of your nails, tuning in and out of the present world and overthinking every aspect of your life that somehow lead you to this moment. Sitting on a Leather Italia couch in what was described to be Mr. Kim’s study; listening to your father’s incessant, albeit wholesome chatter next to you with your future in-laws across. 

And next to them was their suave, unreadable son sitting in a relaxed manner, flipping his attention between your fathers’ conversation and anything else in the room.

You on the other hand, were utterly high strung due to the fact that your father failed to mention your future fiancé’s identity until 30 minutes before arriving here, having done a quick search in the car to unveil who he exactly was.

And that’s when it hit you. You weren’t marrying just anyone, you were getting married to Kim Taehyung. The infamous CEO of Kim Enterprises—Korea’s largest software development and manufacturing company, rivaling to be one of the largest in the world. He was part of Seoul’s most prestigious circle of businessmen, having made multiple Forbes international lists of Most Successful, Youngest, Richest, and is even one of Korea’s most eligible bachelors, not just Seoul.

If this wasn’t already taking you out, then it was definitely the fact that his photos through a measly Google search did him absolutely, utterly and completely no justice. They simply could never capture the truth of just how handsome Kim Taehyung was in real life. You couldn’t deny it, he wasn’t just good-looking, he was stunning, gorgeous, seemed as though God had created the universe, heaven and hell in 6 days and left the 7th just to create him. 

He was like a work of art, worthy of being placed in the finest of museums and left untouched, unsodden by the ugliness of humanity. It made you feel extremely inferior to him in an instant. It was sickening, he was sickening, intoxicating, and quite frankly, intimidating.

It was his look, his undivided stare when he eventually settled his sight on you. It didn’t matter his dark hair that landed and perfectly curled above his eyes, the way he occasionally licked his plush lips or how his long, tall legs spread out before him, it was his look that made you want to turn tail and run.  

It seemed to reach into your soul, peer straight through whatever façade, walls or defense mechanisms you could spend years building only to have his simple look tear it down in minutes. He was alluring, captivating, left you wanting to cower into whatever hole you could dig yourself into or discover all the secrets he hid behind those enchanting eyes.

Kim Taehyung was many things you couldn’t quite wrap your head around, though you assessed your priorities and decided they didn’t just include him, but mainly the significance of the current meeting taking place right now. 

It wasn’t a mere one-time business deal to discuss a project, it was a meeting that entailed the partnership of both your family companies and would define the next however many years of your life. More specifically, spending it with the exact same man that looked at you without a single readable expression on his face. 

You distracted yourself by trying to observe as many useless things as you could, flitting around the room many times before suddenly glancing at Taehyung’s index finger coming up to rest against his lips.

You zeroed your vision in more. 

Is that a cut on his finger?

“Jae-in, of course! This is just as important to me as it is to you, your son is a remarkable CEO, and I’m sure he’ll make an amazing husband.” 

“Aish, Namhyun, you flatter me too much. My son may be handsome, though your daughter is even more beautiful. I’m very sure she will make a wonderful wife.”

“Yes, Namhyun, your daughter is absolutely gorgeous! Just as gorgeous as her mother. I know she wasn’t able to make it, though may I ask where your wife is tonight?” 

“Ah, unfortunately, she’s out of the country. Though I was hoping my presence would be enough to fill in for her, am I doing a bad job?” 

Laughter erupted from the parents in the room, meanwhile, Taehyung couldn’t help but notice the way you immediately winced at the mention of your mother. Something he definitely wouldn’t miss with the way he found himself examining your every move. 

It was habitual to him, something born out of his roots in business, only for the purpose of calculating and reading people like an open book. 

He knew you’d also become victim to that habit, though oddly enough, he found himself quite interested in observing you. He had already figured you out; you hated business, there was a clear disconnection between yourself and your father’s company and you reeked of a sense of independence that funnily contradicted the antsy way you bounced your leg. 

Your way of speech, however, mannerisms, gestures, your look; it was all professional enough you clearly have some sort of background in business. You seemed like an heiress to Taehyung, which you were, though you oddly had no interest in business?   

All these details piqued his interest, curious of just who you exactly were, but he was mainly intrigued by the mysterious claim his father made upon mentioning you for the first time. 

‘There’s something about her you won’t refuse.’

That had raked Taehyung’s brain consistently for the past hour now, crossing his legs loosely and his arms folded over his chest, contemplating over and over again as he looked at you, what’s so damn special about her? 

‘You’ll notice it when you meet her,’ the words rang in his ears.

That was the driving force behind his calculation, observation, near inability to take his eyes off of you as he learned new things nearly every minute and led him closer to understanding his father.  

He could tell you were an anxious person, though hid it behind a persona of false confidence. You had a tendency to stick close to your father despite observing you don’t rely on him for much of anything, even less your mother. The softness behind your every movement despite being from a business background where you should be harsh, rigid, rough around the edges, and yet you seemed entirely different.

Taehyung then realized how inherently dissimilar you were to many of the other women he met. They were all relatively of the same cut and look. Cold, sharp, cunning. All women of pure business; daughters, granddaughters or straight CEOs of wealthy companies, simply interested in marriage as a deal or an advantage rather than a commitment. 

And there was absolutely nothing wrong with that. Taehyung was a man of business himself, married to his work, his home behind a desk and the company the only thought occupying his mind 24/7.

But with you, you were interesting, unlike the others and it made him curious.

Taehyung also couldn’t help but notice you were...pretty. You weren’t too overly sexy nor too innocent, you were pretty. There was an elegance to your looks, features like your hair and eyes complementing you as a whole, and he couldn’t miss that you felt oddly...warm.

Taehyung found himself beginning to understand his father’s original viewpoint, considering the possibility he could’ve been correct. 

You just seemed different. 

“Ah, that seems to be everything. Exact details about the wedding have already been put in place by us.”

“Yes! We’ve been waiting for our TaeTae to get married for so long. We’ve had plans for months now and we can finally move forward with them! You and Y/N don’t need to worry about anything!” 

“Mom, did you really just call me that in front of my future fiancé?” 

“Oh, let it go, son. It won't be long before she calls you that, too!” 

Taehyung could only playfully roll his eyes at his overly excited mother, you scrunching your nose at the embarrassment.

“That’s incredibly generous of you, Mr. and Mrs. Kim, though my conscience is not one to let such things go. My family should contribute to the wedding in some way. Y/N and I would be happy to do so.”

“Why don’t we discuss that outside? I believe we should give the future couple some time alone, shall we?” 

You and Taehyung exchanged a quick look before standing up and respectively addressing either’s parents, Taehyung shutting the door behind them once they exited and having turned to look at you, an awkward silence piercing the air. 

There it was again, his look. It was irrefutably the one reason you avoided eye contact with him, you felt he would swallow you up if you shared even 5 seconds between each other.

“So...” Taehyung suddenly broke the ice, eyeing you.

“So...” 

“Marriage, huh?” 

“Yeah, marriage. Never done that one before.” If there wasn’t a time you vehemently hated yourself, then it was undoubtedly now. You internally facepalmed at your dumb comment, adding a laugh at the end in embarrassment only to look away. 

“Uh..yeah.” Taehyung laughed awkwardly. “Me neither, if you didn’t already know.” He tucked his hands into his pockets and looked away, you fidgeting by the couches everyone previously occupied. 

A beat of silence passed as you both exchanged looks between objects in the room and each other, either of you pursing your lips or blowing light raspberries to cut the awkwardness. 

“I wanted to ask you something.” 

“Hm?” You turned towards him, lips just a pout as your doe-eyes awaited him. 

Taehyung didn’t miss that at all. 

“Um, your mother. I apologize if this is intrusive of me, though I couldn’t help but notice I’ve never actually met her. May I ask where she is?” 

You let out a dry chuckle before answering, another detail that didn’t slip Taehyung’s attention. “Trust me, Taehyung, one thing you’ll never have to worry about during this entire ordeal is my mother. She should be the last thing on your mind.” You assured him with what he could tell was your fakest smile, distracting him from the realization you’d said his name for the first time.

“Are you sure? I’ll be meeting her at the wedding so-”

“You won’t. I don’t think you will. Even if she does make it, it takes very little to impress her, just be yourself and she’ll love you.” You stated with a sense of finality, as though the topic should be dropped. 

“Be myself? I’m one of the best businessmen in Korea. It’s my job to get people to like me, easy stuff.” He casually gloated. 

“You don’t only have to be a businessman to do that,” you paused and looked at him, “you can just be Kim Taehyung, too.” You spoke nonchalantly, eyes lingering with his for longer than 5 seconds and he, in fact, had not swallowed you yet. 

Taehyung instantly furrowed his eyebrows, taken aback as if your suggestion was something outlandish, absurd, maybe even offending.

Nobody has ever said such a thing to him, not throughout the entirety of his life. 

Taehyung tried his best to recover, searching for another topic of conversation before he was cut off by your rather soft voice, he noticed. 

“Oh, I wanted to give you this.” You stepped towards him, reaching into your purse and retrieving something Taehyung couldn’t quite see. You strided over and extended your hand, Taehyung finding himself even more confused.

“A bandage?” 

“Mhm. For the cut on your finger. You should probably clean it and apply something before putting this on.” You stated nonchalantly once again, offering him a small smile whilst holding out the bandage. 

“Uh...” Taehyung started but couldn’t complete his sentence, lost on how you even observed something as small as his cut and spoke of treating it like it was an actual injury.  

After his struggle to form a sentence, you grew bold enough to gently remove his hand from his pocket and place the bandage in his palm, looking back up at him. You shared a momentary look with his chocolate eyes, instantly scrambling after realizing your hand was still in his.

He has really big hands. 

“We should um...probably go.” You avoided his eyes, stepping aside quickly to pull the door open.

Taehyung’s mind felt displaced, eyebrows furrowed in confusion at the fact that someone had actually left him with nothing to say, an extremely rare occurrence in his book.

He was even more displaced looking at the measly wrapper in his hand, then at the cut on the side of his finger, playing through the last 5 minutes of what just happened.

He scoffed to himself.

‘There’s something about her you won’t refuse.’

It had been 3 weeks since that meeting, not having seen Taehyung once as you wasted your time enjoying single life luxuries before you prepared for one of marriage.

It still felt odd to say such a thing, marriage, because it didn’t even feel like one, or a real one at that. It was forced, fake, a pressured one out of convenience. It felt more like a deal, something Taehyung and yourself had to settle for in order to keep your parents’ minds at ease.

That thought racked your brain all those 3 weeks; Taehyung had to settle for you, he didn’t choose you, just as much as you settled for him and didn’t choose him either. You both had ultimately agreed to the marriage only in an effort to optimize your parents’ happiness, not your own.

You had no clue how he felt, a mystery as much as the Bermuda Triangle, knowing he most certainly had a grand pick of women to choose from and you were most definitely his worst option.

You knew you were suddenly dumped on him, leaving him no choice in the matter as you learned your marriage entailed a beneficial business deal between your fathers’ companies, and Taehyung couldn’t really refuse you with so much on the line.

You had already felt inferior to Taehyung since the moment you met him, though your insecurities seeped further into the crevices of your doubtful mind the more you thought over that sad fact, contemplating a married life with him. In your opinion you were pretty much undesirable to him, Taehyung probably kicking himself knowing he had to unwillingly call you his wife for the rest of his life. 

You just knew you weren’t good enough for him, you would never measure up no matter how hard you’d try and that utterly terrified you. You were confident and independent when it came to yourself, though wedding a near perfect being regarded as one of Seoul’s finest in terms of a CEO and a man? 

Confidence be damned, this dude was intimidating. 

These were the feelings that swarmed your head as you sulked at your over-the-top engagement party, set up in a prestigious buildings’ gorgeous 37th floor riddled with baroque styling and embellishments, classical music gracing some of Seoul’s wealthiest patrons as their flutes clinked and snobby chatter filled the hall. 

It was all extremely high-status, reeking of upper class supremacy and quite frankly, it made you want to throw up.

You distracted yourself by bringing any and all types of alcohol to your lips, trying to focus on anything but your daunting thoughts.

The entire night you hadn’t talked to Taehyung, both of you having been too occupied with the numerous amounts of people meeting and congratulating you. This became a genuine nuisance as you’d mentioned before, this marriage was of convenience, one that brought families and companies together merrily and constituted hundreds of people attending your engagement party you didn’t really know.

Your friends were excited, over-the-moon you bagged a man like Taehyung and chastised you for not having told them about your engagement to him earlier. Your relatives similarly scolded you, pinching your cheeks and praising Taehyung like he was a God while they scrunched their noses at you for concealing him.

How could I tell you when I didn’t even know myself?, you thought.

It was funny they praised your ‘choice’ of a fiancé, positive nobody was saying the same to Taehyung without at least lying. The public only knew of you as your father’s daughter, never having seen you due to your vehement absence from anything remotely related to his company, and much of the business world in general. 

You weren’t part of that world, a world of greed and money-driven lunatics. It just wasn't you. It never suited you, left you with a bad taste in your mouth you constantly grimaced at and thought maybe you were the insane one for not understanding its flavour. As you grew older, however, you came to realize it simply wasn’t the path meant for you, someone who valued the independence and achievement of earning something for yourself, by yourself.

Ever since the inception of that principal, your young teenage self resolved you didn’t want to rely on your father’s wealth, especially not his influence or power to achieve your own place in life.

Your father had worked determinedly hard for years in order to stand as high he does now, warranting your acute admiration for your role model of a father, his now successful architecture business landing him a few buildings part of the Seoul skyline.

And after finally achieving his dream, it suddenly morphed into your own aspiration. His hard work drove you to want your own design part of Seoul’s breathtaking scenery as well, by means of your own effort, your own hard work. You didn’t want your father’s help. It felt wrong, like you were cheating if you used him to gain your place and so you condemned your life to one that separated yours and his. 

So you lived, worked and earned money without any of his influence.

You worked for an average architecture company where you felt comfortable, happy that you were away from the suffocating high-status business of your family. And although your detachment left your identity a mystery to many, your situation on the other hand was an extremely infamous one.

‘The-runaway-heiress’, was your staple trademark. The judgmental comments about your choice of life and the insults it warranted were never-ending, subjected to that criticism all your life.

There was no doubt Taehyung was hearing all of that, people probably warning him to step out of the marriage before it was too late. You weren’t like Taehyung, who was perfect, desirable, someone everyone either wanted or wanted to be. It left you glad and quite frankly, proud to be wedding a man of such caliber and incredibility, though left you wondering why in God’s name he would ever agree to marry someone like you; average, average and well, average.

“That’s your 5th shot, Y/N, slow the fuck down.” Your best friend Hana’s voice pulled you out of your thoughts, snatching the shot glass from your grasp. “It wouldn’t be cool if you were trashed at your own party, dummy.” 

Her sudden appearance brought a smile to your face. “I know, I just don’t feel well.” You sighed by the counter of the bar, seated atop a stool as you circled an empty shot glass mindlessly. 

“I get you, there’s like, hundreds of people here and you’re probably hearing a lot of different shit.” Hana appealed to you, having read your emotions like an open book. “Speaking of people, I wanted to ask, what’s up with Taehyung and his stare?”

You stifled a snort, looking at Hana’s incredulous face. “It’s just a habit of his. He stares at everyone.”

“Okay... sure, but I didn’t mean everyone, I meant you.” Hana emphasized, comically pointing.

You furrowed your eyebrows at her, arm leaning against the bar’s counter as you questioned, “What do you mean?”

“He doesn’t really stop staring at you, which is kinda weird. Unless you like that, I don’t judge people’s kinks.” Hana mockingly held her hands up in surrender, gauging a reaction out of you. 

You instantly grimaced, “It’s not a kink, Hana. Nice joke by the way, wanna sign up for SNL with that one?”

“I’m serious! I’ve been catching him just looking at you and I don’t know if it’s weird or hot.” Hana informed as you became more puzzled, her becoming oddly excited, “Awh, maybe he’s concerned with how much you keep drinking! That’s so romantic.” She chimed, looking off into the distance dreamily.

“Shut the fuck up, he wouldn’t do that.” You smacked her arm, snatching your shot glass back from her. “Besides, you’re one of the rare people who knows this marriage is fake, you know he doesn’t care.”

“Jheez, way to kill romance?” Hana rolled her eyes, smacking your arm in rebuttal before continuing. “I’m serious, though. This may be fake but he really does keep looking at you, and I don’t know what it means.” Hana speculated, contorting her lips as if in thought.

“It means nothing, Hana. You’re just seeing things.”

“Then why has he been staring at you depressed by the bar for the last half an hour?”

You nearly spit out your drink, “What?”

“Are you clueless or just dumb? He’s been talking to someone for 30 minutes but most of the time he’s been looking at you, and he still is, how haven’t you noticed?”

You creased your eyebrows in surprise as you slowly lowered your shot glass. You turned away from Hana to scan the small crowds of people mingling, eating, drinking in the hall.

You searched the room, drink still in hand until your eyes caught tall, dark and handsome in his finely pressed suit, casually standing with a drink in his hand by a table speaking to someone. You nearly jumped when your eyes locked with Taehyung’s, every cell in your body caught off guard.

What made your heart specifically race was the way he didn’t even look away from you. He held your gaze, casually conversing with the person in front of him, eyeing you until he finally cracked a small smirk before turning back to his companion.

Your eyebrows practically shot up to the sky.

“See, weird or hot? Am I even allowed to say hot?” Hana blurted as she reveled in your reaction. “And you really thought I was joking. You don’t believe anything I say, I could tell you the world’s ending and you wouldn’t believe me. I could tell you aliens finally invaded the planet and you wouldn’t believe me until the green motherfuckers knocked on your door themselves and-”

“Hana, shut the fuck up.” You cut her off abruptly and made a face at her. “Why did you even come here?”

“Grumpy, aren’t we?” She flashed you a sarcastic look before sighing. “Your dad wanted me to find you. You and Taehyung have to meet someone important, so you should stop drinking like an alcoholic, dumbass.” Hana informed hastily as she grabbed the shot glass from you and downed it herself.

“Your dad’s by the entrance, go before he gets mad!” She shooed you away, pushing you up until you whisper-yelled and smacked at her to let you go. 

You began stepping towards the entrance, smoothing over your dress and this was the moment you realized you may have drank a little too much. You were quick to reprimand yourself, cursing your unprofessional behavior as your inner equilibrium became slightly woozy, senses drowning out a bit, every sound hazed over with a buzz in your veins.

You sucked in a breath to pull yourself together, knowing your dad valued this person enough you and Taehyung had to meet them together. 

Taehyung.

You decided to glance in his direction, lips pursing seeing he wasn’t in his previous spot. You chose to ignore it, walking along until you felt a looming presence behind you, almost having time to acknowledge it before a hand suddenly touched the small of your back. 

“Looking for me?”

You nearly squealed, jumping with a hand ready to punish before calming down at the sight of Taehyung, sighing with relief. “Jheez, could you use my name? I thought you were a stranger.” 

“Well, hello to you too.” Taehyung quipped sarcastically. “And why would a stranger touch your back? Of course it’d be the only man in this room marrying you.” Taehyung narrowly eyed you, scrutinizing your reaction with his hand still pressed to you.

“People do a lot of whatever the hell they want, Taehyung.” You responded turning away from him, heels clacking as you continued to pace towards where your father stood. “W-why’d you do that, anyway?” 

Taehyung furrowed his eyebrows. “Because we’re engaged?”

“It’s not real, though.”

“It’s as real as it gets.” Taehyung finalized, making it a statement to smile at everyone you passed, to which you realized just how many pairs of eyes glued themselves to you. “This may not feel like a real marriage to us, but to the rest of the world it is.” 

He then suddenly leaned himself down to your height and lowered his tone, breath just ghosting your ear. “Y/N, we have to make this seem real, it’s the only way we’ll survive.” Taehyung was the closest he’s ever been to you, and the deep baritone of his voice as he called your name did absolutely nothing but manifest butterflies in your chest. 

Why was his voice so deep?

You shook the thought out of your head, ultimately choosing not to say anything because he was in fact, correct. You grinned widely continuing to mask the truth of your arrangements, leaning into him more as you settled for his hand on your back.

You’d noticed it before, but his hand felt particularly large against you now that he was so close. You glanced at his other hand resting by his side, impressed by how masculine they appeared; long fingers with running veins and a roughness to them, sculpted so well you were sure they deserved to be referred to as art. It tickled your giddy side for a second when they seemed to perfectly contrast your more feminine and smaller hands. 

It was kinda cute. 

You neglected your thoughts once you neared your father, warm-heartedly conversing with a well-dressed man you just about recognized. 

“Ah, there you both are!” Your father cheered, reaching out his arm so he could envelop you in a side-hug, returning Taehyung’s bow and addressment.  

“Dad, I heard you wanted us to meet someone?” You perked up in a superficial tone, at least attempting to act as though everything was fine and dandy in your life; maybe owing it to the alcohol to endure all the falsehoods.

“Yes, Y/N-ie, I wanted you to meet Mr. Won. Chang-in, my lovely daughter and whom I guess you already know, her fiancé and CEO of Kim Enterprises, Kim Taehyung.” Your father proudly presented you both.

“Nice to meet you, Mr. Won, Kim Taehyung.” Taehyung was the first to address the man, extending his hand and bowing as he greeted him. You were almost taken aback by how polite he could be, the way his charming smile graced his features and attractively displayed his perfect teeth. His manner of speech and etiquette were all refined with a high degree of professionalism as well, internally gawking at his duality.  

Wasn’t he acting all entitled with you just now? 

“Nice to meet you as well!” You collected yourself and cheered, a little baffled as to why Taehyung still rested his hand against your back. “I’m hoping my father has only said good things.” You earned a laugh from the group, Mr. Won responding by receiving your hand with a firm shake. 

“Ah, Namhyun, you forgot to mention how beautiful your daughter has grown, and your future son-in-law has me jealous! What a handsome and accomplished young man, the perfect match, the two of them.” Mr. Won praised you both kindly.

You and Taehyung both smiled and thanked him humbly, feeling some heat collect in your cheeks upon Mr. Won’s words. You two? The perfect match? Unless he believes a rock and a Greek statue belong together, then he’s absolutely correct. 

Other than that, you chest swarms with butterflies thinking you’re now referred to as ‘two’. 

Taehyung for some odd reason encircles the curve of your waist suddenly, pulling you closer to him. You last minute sputter at the intimate action before leaning into him, one arm nervously encasing his torso as the other rests against his chest. 

You feel him tense underneath you. 

“Aish, you’re such a flatterer. Y/N-ie, do you remember Mr. Won? My friend from university? You haven’t seen him in a while.” Your father rested a hand on your shoulder, trying to jog your memory. 

“Oh, you mean Mr. Won from SNU?” You suddenly remembered, looking to your father for confirmation. 

“Yes, so you do remember!” 

“Of course I do, how could I forget!” You smiled brightly and returned your gaze to the familiar man. “Mr. Won used to sneak me ice cream when you wouldn’t let me have any, Dad.” You scolded him with a playful jab to his arm, inviting more laughter. “I apologize for not recognizing you right away, it’s been a long time, Mr. Won, forgive me.” You solemnly apologized, Mr. Won giving you a look of understanding. 

“Ah, forget it, Y/N. Don’t worry about it, although since it’s been a long time I hope you remember my son? He should be here somewhere..” Mr. Won trailed as his eyes fished over the grand hall, scanning around. 

“Your son..” You repeated to yourself, realizing there was a familiar connection itching at your mind, he was your age actually-

Wait. 

Oh God, not him. 

Anything but him. 

You felt raw panic seep into the spaces between your ribs, your chest filling with a constricting feeling of anxiety you couldn't shake off. Your heart picked up speed and the alcohol coursing through your veins didn’t help your judgement or memory at all, mind fogged over with the poison we dare call alcohol.  

You felt stupid, so utterly stupid. How could you forget Mr. Won and who his Godforsaken son was? 

You felt an anxiety attack riddling you, shifting your weight on your feet as you tried to bite back your uneven breathing. You just couldn’t see this man, especially in a situation where you were standing next to your husband-to-be. 

Taehyung wasn’t so invested in the conversation before him, mindlessly nodding along before he felt you physically freeze next to him, his glance to the side confirming your pale look, watching as your panicked eyes faltered to the floor and revealed... fear? 

He registered your odd shifting and your failed attempts at plastering a smile, confused if you knew this guy and if you did, why were you freaking out so much?

Were you in love with him or something? 

The thought minutely bugged him until he watched you turn straight up uncomfortable, horrified when Mr. Won called out his son’s name. 

“Kiseok-ah! Come here!” 

You stopped breathing when you heard the name, eyes going wide as you avoided eye contact with anyone in the group, but caught Taehyung’s undivided attention. He grew curious when Kiseok sauntered over to the group, your hand on his chest suddenly squeezing his suit as the mysterious man greeted everyone respectfully.

Taehyung watched as his intrigued eyes locked on you, eyebrows perking up amusedly as his lips curved into a smile Taehyung honestly couldn’t admit to liking. 

“Y/N? Wow, long time no see. It’s been what, a year?” The man Kiseok called out happily, like there was absolutely no problem occurring here but as Taehyung felt your hand clutch onto his suit, lips just about quivering before you forced a smile, he knew there was most certainly a problem. 

“Yeah.” Your voice was weak, small, and Taehyung found himself wondering how a courageous person like you was all of a sudden cowering. 

He’d heard it all night, all the accounts of your other life away from the business world. He wasn’t going to lie, he heard a multitude of opinions concerning you, many of which including either looking down on you or telling Taehyung there’s many other, more powerful women in business he could’ve been marrying instead. 

But Taehyung didn’t care for their opinions, he found you the most powerful woman he could ever marry, and agreed to do so because of that very prospect. Sure, you were estranged from the business scene and practically abandoned any role you’d play in your father’s company in order to pursue your own personal aspirations, but if anything, Taehyung found it highly commendable. 

Taehyung knew it took guts to do what you did, a bold and daring act that no other heir or future heir of a wealthy company could ever think of doing, including himself. 

What he found to appreciate most was your unwillingness to give in, where you had to have heard all the back-handed and snobby comments, yet you still held your head up high, remained rooted and adamant in keeping your current way of life. It instantly signaled to him you were courageous, fearless, unable to be stopped in your tracks.

So when he watched you become smaller and smaller the more you stood in the vicinity of this Kiseok, he knew something was sincerely wrong. 

“Ah yes, it’s been quite some time. Why don’t we step away from you three? You could do some catching up.” Your father urged as he motioned Mr. Won to step away with him. You lightly addressed them only to have your hands neglect Taehyung entirely and start fidgeting, attempting to calm your nerves as the alcohol inebriated your system and magnified your anxiety by tenfold. 

“Ah, yes, Kim Taehyung, CEO of Kim Enterprises. I’ve been meaning to meet you.” Kiseok extended his hand as his voice irked you with every syllable, trying your best to seem like absolutely nothing was wrong. 

Taehyung reached out his hand in response uneagerly, giving a small shake while wondering why you let him go. “That’s news to me, nice to meet you.” Taehyung responded, already feeling an intense aura of discomfort and tension between you both, sensing he was missing out on something that seemed 6 ft deep. 

“Likewise. Y/N..” Kiseok suddenly turned towards you, making you wince. You painted on your smile as you lifted your vision. “Kiseok.” 

“How’ve you been?” 

“Better than ever. You?” 

“Marvelous, just wondering what your life’s looked like since I haven’t been in it.”

“I believe I said better than ever, didn’t I?”

Kiseok scoffed unamused, “So a year, huh? In all that time you suddenly found yourself a fiancé, and Kim Taehyung at that?” Kiseok seemed to be making light-hearted conversation to anyone outside of your group, though you knew deep down the hostility behind his words.

“Yeah, I did. It just happened.” You shrugged, gaining the confidence to counter him. “And you? Plan on putting a ring on any of your girls? Maybe the 5th or 7th one you liked?” You sarcastically questioned, furrowing your brows in mock contemplation. 

“No, you know I’ve always had my eye on one girl when it came to marriage.” Kiseok eyed you knowingly, purposefully, like he was trying to make it obvious.

You snorted and glared at him, “If I remember correctly, your attitude said otherwise.” hatred began boiling under your skin. You felt yourself growing angrier by the second, memories between you two coming back in flashes. You didn’t even realize you were shaking until Taehyung’s hand suddenly entangled with yours, pulling you towards him almost defensively. 

You were surprised, looking at your connected hands and back up at Taehyung. He returned your look, peering down at you as he smiled warmly, affectionately. 

“I’m sorry, Kisook? Was it? My future wife and I have plans for tonight. May you excuse us?” Taehyung didn’t even let Kiseok respond before he was pulling you away, in complete shock at his first lack of manners you’d ever seen. You were only left to watch Taehyung as he lead you along, gaining the timely opportunity to realize he was taller than Kiseok, and in fact significantly taller than you. 

Taehyung was a large man in general, you noticed. His shoulders looked broad from behind, accentuated by the fit of his suit which also emphasized the expanse of his chest, tastefully exposing his sculpted neck. His legs were long, proportioned perfectly in accordance with the rest of his model-like figure, which was ideally fit and contained just the right amount of muscle. 

Dear God, you took your time with this one. 

You didn’t even realize Taehyung had pulled you into a secluded hallway or that you were ogling him when he suddenly stopped, turning in your direction and snapping you out of a near fever dream. 

Yeah, alcohol was not a good idea tonight. 

“Who the fuck was that?” 

“What?”

“That douche, who was that?” Taehyung inquired slightly pissed, in need of the asshole’s identity after watching whatever shitshow he didn’t pay for. 

“Nobody, Taehyung, he shouldn’t concern you.” You looked away from him, pouting in a way that made Taehyung momentarily notice the plush of your lips. 

Again?, was all he could think, first, your mother, and now this guy? Just how many people did you have bad connections with and he needed to ignore? 

Why were there so many intricate pieces to you? 

“Are you kidding me? He concerns me now, your mother I can understand but this guy? Nothing to me. I could step on him.” Taehyung proclaimed confidently and stood up broader, conviction written all over his face.

You couldn’t help but giggle at his remark, resembling the thought you had earlier. “I was just thinking, you’re a lot taller than him.” 

Taehyung couldn’t help but bite back a smile, watching you giggle like a shy high schooler and his ears gladly welcomed the soft sound. “Damn straight I am.” He adjusted the jacket of his suit suavely. It was then he remembered what his other hand was doing; still holding yours. 

His eyes suddenly gleamed with mischief. 

He squeezed your hand a little tighter and yanked you towards him, bodies just centimeters apart as you crashed into him, all up in each other’s personal space.

Your eyes widened in complete surprise. 

 “So you were thinking about me, huh?” Taehyung teased with a stupidly lowered tone, a smug grin decorating his face. 

You ignored the electricity shooting through you, rolling your eyes and playfully sneering at him. “Shut up, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see you’re taller.” You forced space between you two and tried snatching your hand from him, but his grip transformed into an iron lock. 

“Says the one who was thinking about me.” 

“Taehyung, shut-” You almost huffed out but as soon as you stepped away, your copious consumption of alcohol suddenly attacked you all at once, vertigo making you lose your balance until Taehyung reached out to steady you. 

“Jheez, did you have to drink tonight?” Taehyung chastised you as you fell into him, head spinning with disorientation and growing flimsier by the second. “You’re probably a lightweight at your size.”

“I am not a lightweight. You don’t even know how much I drank, it was a lot.” You bit back in rebuttal, hooking onto his taut forearms as he supported you. 

“But I did see.” He voiced barely above a whisper, causing you to snap your vision up at him incredulously. “What?” 

“Nothing, it shouldn’t concern you.” Taehyung mocked, though still tried to fix you onto your own footing.  

You didn’t even get to scrutinize him further when you felt another round of dizziness plague you, balance faltering again. Taehyung huffed out and finally flanked you on his side, arm encasing your shoulders as he adjusted you. “Okay Miss I’m-Not-A-Lightweight, you should eat something.” He fit you beside him, beginning to walk you towards the main hall. 

Taehyung in this moment didn’t understand what he was doing, utterly clueless as to what was fueling his actions. He was uncertain why he found himself.. caring? He didn’t even know you, yet he couldn’t help but become a little concerned when he watched you down drinks like it was New Year’s Eve. 

How can all that alcohol fit into one tiny person?

What was he even thinking when he dragged you away from that Kisuk guy? Why did he feel like protecting you all of a sudden? A near sense of possessiveness? He wasn’t even your real husband. 

It started giving Taehyung a headache. This was all strange, a foreign concept he wasn’t familiar with and he didn’t know if it was the result of his considerate personality or only manifested solely because of you.

The same way Taehyung dealt with his inner turmoil, you dealt with yours; you were always so adamant on independence though ironically found yourself leaning on Taehyung.

Oddly, you let him carefully guide you back into the hall with no protests. 

It was the day of the wedding. 

You wish you could recall your emotions throughout the day, certain there would be at least a sliver of a positive one. Though as you remained unmoving, nearly catatonic, unresponsive to your surroundings, you knew there wouldn’t be a single happy memory in the tsunami of sorrow that attacked you today. 

Emotions of grief plagued consistently as you realized the loss of everything you valued most in your life. Your happiness, your freedom, your ability to choose. The stripping of all those bundled into an stifling wad in your chest that left you in a perpetual state of wanting to cry.

The sting in your heart when you realized your mother didn’t bother to come, the excruciating smile you forced onto your features when Taehyung’s mother delicately placed the veil atop your head, the secret tears you shed after adorning your body with a wedding dress you didn’t even choose; it all left you internalizing feelings of utter agony. 

And none of it was your real choice. 

Even the flowers at the wedding weren’t your favourite. 

This day was horrifying. You couldn’t believe you prided yourself on your independence, refusing to give in despite numerous challenges and never taking a word of what anyone said to you. Even when someone begged you to change or come back to your old life, you always chose for yourself. You never allowed someone to push you around, seldom coerced into anything solely based on the wishes of another. 

Yet here you were, standing just before the grand doors of a wedding you never asked for, having easily followed every word of your father’s and sacrificed your deepest principles in order to make him happy, to appease and live up to his expectations that weren’t your own. 

It was utterly frightening, appalling. As if you had lost the one true commendable feature of the intricate character you were, suddenly lost the acclamation of others even if they didn’t know the true nature of your marriage. 

But what disgusted you the most was truly, that you had lost respect for yourself. 

These grim thoughts were the ones that attached themselves to you as you hesitantly hooked your arm with your father’s. You used every ounce of strength to not flee, to remain here, to still walk down that isle with your head held high like you always have despite abandoning every foundation of the character you’d spent years working on.  

You didn’t care that your eyes watered, masking them with the facade of happy tears from the blushing bride. You didn’t care when your father looked incredibly concerned and wondered what was so wrong, you didn’t care how sorrowful you may have appeared to anyone at this ironically glamorous event. 

Though what you did care for was that you couldn’t hold your head up as you walked down the isle, vision fixated on the ground as your tears betrayed you, spilling out at the traumatizing feeling of not being able to stand tall like you always did, something stripping you of your self-reassurance, your strength, your confidence.  

It all spelled the requiem of your soul as you reached the end, dwelling in the impossibility this was happening to you until you felt the touch of Taehyung’s fingertips, guiding you up the stairs. It was then confirmed to you this was in fact real, part of your new reality you had no choice but to accept. 

You suddenly felt eternal gratitude for the veil that now covered your face, hiding the tears you cried at mourning the loss of everything you worked for.

While the priest’s words were read, you didn’t exchange a single look with Taehyung, knowing you’d only want to evaporate into the air, to run away at light speed or have someone in a turn-of-events suddenly take your life, just so you didn't have to face the humility of giving up the life you’d spent blood, sweat and tears building if you looked him in the eye. 

You felt the weight of your unknown future crushing you, pushing you towards the precipice as you gripped Taehyung’s hands harder to ground yourself. 

You were to rely on Taehyung, to share a bond with him you had never spent time cultivating, expected to live a life next to him while never being able to truly understand him, know him, love him. The natural process of falling in love now tainted with the coercion of a pressurized marriage, losing the opportunity to achieve any true sense of love. You’d never experience finding the one anymore, your soulmate, the other end of your red string of fate. 

That realization made your tears spill harder, disconnecting your hand from Taehyung’s to prevent your choked sobs becoming audible, holding your palm against your quivering lips. 

To anyone beyond you and Taehyung, it would look as though you were crying tears of happiness, joyously weeping at your matrimony with the love of your life, though as Taehyung felt the shaking of your hands, your refusal to meet his gaze as you reluctantly walked down the isle, the agonizing pain he could see through the sheer of your veil, he knew you were far from happy. 

He couldn’t help but purse his lips together tightly, knowing you were probably swallowing insurmountable torment down your throat because of this marriage, and tears pricked at his own eyes finding himself able to relate. 

He wasn’t just upset for you or himself, it was the entire situation, quite frankly the fucking world. The fact that the universe planned this as your destiny, his destiny, that the happiness of your parents and two companies came at the expense of both yours and his.

He knew you didn’t hate him, that he wasn’t the reason just as much as you weren’t the reason either, it was the arbitrary nature of the arrangement. That whatever version of true love and happily ever after you and Taehyung had separately dreamed of, it could never come to life. 

Even if the company meant everything to Taehyung, his CEO position more important than whatever position he’d play as some husband, seldom having time to consider love and relationships, he still harboured the same wants and desires any human would. A partner, a companion he truly loved with whom he’d start a family eventually, create a life for them and himself defined by love and comfort.

Though Taehyung only knew now you would both die with your decision-making capabilities robbed of you, bound to each other forcibly without the ardor of real love. 

Taehyung’s every thought was proven correct when the two of you exchanged your vows in near strangled chokes and shaky tones, appearing as happy emotions to the guests of the wedding though only you two knowledgeable of each other’s suffering. 

Your vision finally met Taehyung’s once you heard the rawness in his voice, your miserable emotions doubling when you registered he was just in the same pain as you. It was in that moment the priest’s words became audible and rang loud in both your ears, suddenly grounding you two to earth and reminding you of your reality. 

“You may kiss the bride.”

Both of your eyes grievously locked for a moment of horrified realization; that you were seconds away from going through with this, throwing each other’s lives away for the utilitarian benefit, abandoning any sense of choice in whom you both would spend a lifetime with.

Taehyung swallowed thickly as he removed your veil, feeling his eyes fill with tears again when he laid them upon your utterly devastated, tear-stained face. You were using every nerve in your body to stop yourself from sobbing and caving into the ominous thought of fleeing the ceremony.  

Taehyung’s sight wondered to your lips as they still quivered, nearly swollen red at the intensity in which you bit them, awaiting the kiss you were certain would be filled with frustration and hatred, hatred for the mud you were dragging him through, hatred for pressuring him into suddenly valuing something more than his work and his company, to suddenly become a husband to you. 

Though as he watched the terror flashing through your eyes, tears watering your lash line, he knew he could never feel anything so ardently negative towards you, remembering exactly what he was stripping you of. 

The life you built on your own, defying any and everyone’s expectations of yourself, cursing your heir status to hell, your strength, your independence. Now? Your life was bound to his, bound to one where you were obliged to sacrifice yourself for your father’s company and the upper class cesspool you’d spent so long trying to run away from. 

So as Taehyung began closing the gap between you two, nearing your shaking figure, he resolved he wouldn’t make this hard. He would try, try to accept that his life now entailed you, would try to work towards the balance his father insisted he needed, try to understand that you were now part of his priorities and could never simply ignore you.  

He glided his thumbs against the back of your hands that held his pacifyingly, leaning down until he was just inches from your lips as you squeezed your eyes shut. He unexpectedly spoke quietly, meaningfully, seconds away from sealing the deal of an uncertain future, though, remained certain of this one thing. 

“I’ll take care of you, Y/N, I promise.” And he kissed you in a single breath, no haste, no pressure, only the gentle touch of his lips as they met yours, soft and light. 

Maybe Taehyung didn’t know the exact feelings behind his promise, but he knew the meaning; that no matter the arrangement, the non-existent feelings, the loss of choice, he would at least take care of you like any husband would, a good husband.  

He at least owed you that.  

You were left shocked at the nature of his kiss, Taehyung’s warm lips connecting with yours tenderly. You were convinced the tears you saw in his eyes were enough to assert he hated this, frustrated he had to sell his soul, wishing to only rush the kiss so he could call it a day and ignore you for the rest of his life. 

Though what you never expected was the promise he made, or the way he kissed you with such intimacy you found yourself melting into his touch, reciprocating. He kissed you like you were fragile, locking your lips in a way that solidified his promise, as if out of all the empty vows you spoke today, this was the one, true vow he would keep. His lips felt plush against yours, catching his mouth just a little more before the bittersweet disconnection. 

You and Taehyung exchanged a poignant look, small smiles decorating both your faces with a mutual understanding swimming in your eyes as you gripped each other’s hands. You let his promise permeate the air between you two, finding solace in his words as the applause of everyone attending the ceremony filled the hall.   

Maybe it was the warm way Taehyung always pressed his hand to the small of your back when you spoke to others the whole night, maybe the way he veered you away from excessive amounts of alcohol with a light-hearted scolding considering that last time you drank, or maybe even the way he gently held you during your first dance..

Maybe it was all these considerate, kinds act that made you view Taehyung in a less negative light and rather a favourable one, that maybe he wouldn’t be the asshole CEO you’d first accused him of being.  

You would also be an idiot to not mention how completely and utterly handsome he was, looks carved by the Greeks themselves, quite possibly the hottest, most attractive man you’ve ever had the pleasure of laying eyes on. 

And maybe all that accumulated into your assured opinion that when it came to consummating your marriage with Taehyung, you’d have no qualms or worries whatsoever. You would be absolutely willing, ready to take the night on and maybe even have some fun for yourself with whom you could tell was a really, really nice guy.

Though as Taehyung walked calmly in front of you towards your hotel suite, reaching into his suit pocket for the card key he’d retrieved at the front desk to swipe against the lock, your chest clogged with a crushing feeling of anxiety you couldn’t subdue. 

These weren’t the same nerves of maybe being not pretty enough, body insecurities or fear of what to expect from Taehyung, no, these nerves came from the utter panic of having to experience sex with another man.

Especially since your last partner. 

It always started with your permission, that wasn’t the issue, Though what left you afraid, so utterly frightened with the thought of spending a night with a man like this came from the treatment you received from that partner. 

Safe to say, you weren’t treated kindly. Far from that, actually, you were treated as though you had no needs or were a means of simple use. Your last partner was the opposite of giving, he was selfish, self-absorbed and only concerned himself with his own pleasure, going on and on only until he was satisfied and neglected you in every sense of the word, sometimes even refusing to listen to you if you protested. 

To make matters worse, he wasn’t faithful. 

You knew he slept around, a lot, it was the number one reason you never agreed to actually date him, never make things official. 

But the reason you would end up sleeping with him was because of the most perfectly imperfect concept among the human race; love. You believed every time with him was a new chance to make that love real, that it was the genuine manifestation of your feelings for one another, thinking maybe he wasn’t the asshole he always portrayed himself as and could man up enough to love you unconditionally. 

And he completely reeled you in, made you fall in love too quickly and made you believe he was capable of love. This grew exponentially when you were often described as ‘the different one’, the one he always came back to, that you were special. You clung onto those words as much as you could, convinced each time you were in fact the one for him, that maybe one day, he’d wake up and abandon his fuckboy lifestyle and mature.

But everyday that went by, every promise that was never fulfilled, every word that wasn’t met with an action, and especially after every hook up that resulted in nothing new, you began to understand you were everyone’s favourite role in a Shakespearean play. 

The fool. 

You were a joke to believe anything he said, the most naive person on earth to think you were any different from the others, when every night simply ended in rough fucks, virtually no orgasm and miniscule aftercare.

It left you essentially scarred, traumatized that every man in the world was built like this. It didn’t help that whenever you look back, many of your ex partners were of the same cut, the same trope of assholes that don’t seem as bad but end up being exactly so. 

It was what made you swallow thickly as Taehyung opened the door to the suite, holding it open as he moved aside to let you enter first. You walked forward and unintentionally brushed against him, realizing how much smaller you were in comparison to him all over again. 

He towered over you, and it made you more nervous. 

You looked up at him momentarily and quietly thanked him as you stepped inside, setting your sights on the large, king sized bed situated on one side of the room, a lounging area with couches to the other side which lead to a bathroom. Seoul’s breathtaking skyline was visible in the dark of the night through wall-to-ceiling windows opposite to you, covered by flowy, sheer curtains. 

You took a deep breath, trying to remind yourself Taehyung was not the same. Not all men are the same, you can’t inflict the mistakes and wrongdoings of one man onto another, categorize them into one kind. You wanted to think this way, and you knew it was the humane way to think. 

But as the memories of those heart-aching nights filled your head, the empty words, the lack of care or concern, the neglect, the feelings of pure abandonment and use only caused your heart to beat profusely in your chest, clutching onto the neckline of your dress to breathe. 

What if Taehyung really was no different?

It then suddenly hit you you didn’t know him. All you knew of Taehyung was that he was a fiercely successful business man, sitting atop Seoul’s most prestigious with Godly looks and a stare that could kill a man. You remembered your initial feelings about him; his stare in fact intimidated you, quite frankly all of him intimidated you, he was the epitome of perfection and you were far from that very notion. It left you thinking you didn’t measure up, and that he could view you in a dissimilar light than you viewed him; an unfavorable one. 

He could simply not want you, but is forced to.  

You’d observed his kind behavior and actions over the odd two days you met him, though that was exactly the inculpatory factor; you had only met him twice. You didn’t know what he would be like alone, when it was just the two of you, when there weren’t eyes scrutinizing him and cameras snapping shots of his every move. 

You didn’t know how he would be like in the bedroom, either. 

Your mind raced as you conflicted with yourself, trying to understand that Taehyung could be different, though apprehensive with the miniscule knowledge you actually had of him. 

You discerned after that last asshole of a partner you needed the love and care of a real partner, someone who would tend to your needs, adore you in the midst of their actions, be a giver and not just a receiver.  

And you didn’t know if Taehyung would be that partner. 

“Y/N...” Taehyung called out to you rather softly as he removed his suit jacket, the rustling of the cloth signaling he had indeed done so. His footsteps were hard to miss, the soles of his shoes sounding against the hardwood floor as he neared your lonesome figure standing in the middle of the room. 

Your breathing quickened with nearly every step he took, attempting to resolve the civil war you were battling within. You were trying to convince yourself Taehyung would be a nice man, a nice husband; though couldn’t help but feel deflated by the fact it was all mainly coerced out of him.

Your thoughts overwhelmed you as Taehyung finally stood behind you, mere inches from your back as he watched you from behind, unbeknownst of any feelings or thoughts currently riddling you.

He hesitated, though gently placed his hand against your bare arm, the sudden warmth of his hand against your skin causing you to flinch. He peered down at your smaller self squarely focusing in front of you, anticipating your response. He grew slightly soft when you tentatively looked over your shoulders, clearly teary-eyed. 

Taehyung couldn’t miss how scared you seemed, and he his heart inexplicably stung at the thought you were afraid of him. 

“We don’t have to do this.” Taehyung’s voice was low and resembled warm honey, reverberating in a way that made you ease up. 

You worked towards a stable voice. “W-we don’t?” 

“No, we don’t” His voice held no disappointment, only the intention of seemingly wanting to assure you, firm and oddly comforting. 

“I’m sorry, Taehyung. I’m really sorry.” It was hard to keep your tone leveled, clutching your hand over your mouth as you swallowed your emotions. 

“Don’t be sorry, there’s nothing for you to apologize for.” 

You strangely felt the desire to hold his hand that rested against you, though you ignored the urge and simply stepped out of his touch, clutching your chest tightly in an effort to cower away from him. But it was here you suddenly remembered that he kissed you, and the way he did so. 

It made your cheeks fill with a rosy blush. 

“Do you mean that?” You’d finally turned to meet his eyes, his face only visible by the moonlight illuminating the room. He seemed to have retracted his hand and stood with both tucked in his pockets, relaxed. 

This became the first time you noticed just how ravishing he looked tonight. 

His dark hair was slicked back loosely and left enough pieces to fall as a comma, graciously exposing his forehead, his Tom Ford suit attractively hugged his model-like body, watch and accessories accentuating his expensive look. 

His features were casted over by soft lighting, somehow adding to his beauty as the glow made him appear... less intimidating, dare you say warm or inviting. 

His expression was funnily enough, one that you could actually read. He held no contempt, no impatience or anger, only a hint of consideration as his calm eyes looked at you. His face may have been predominantly blank, void of a smile, though certainty held a form of reassurance.  

“Of course I do, why would I do anything with an unwilling person?”

You scoffed lightly, “Not a lot of people would say that.” Your eyes faltered from Taehyung’s and clutched yourself tighter, expression completely telling of trauma.

Taehyung instantly picked up on it, eyebrows slightly furrowing at your words though softening once registering their weight. He felt an overwhelming sense of apology take him, thinking of his next sentence before his mind oddly flashed back to the night of the engagement party.

“Y/N, did Kiseok..?” Taehyung trailed hesitantly. 

You winced at his line of thinking, “No, no...not what you’re thinking,” you immediately denied. “Just, shitty experiences.”

“Shitty, as in...?”

“As in only seeking self-satisfaction, neglect, lies, infidelity. Can we go to sleep?” You deflected with a heavy sigh and a hand at your temple, the day’s events catching up to you.

Taehyung nodded in agreement, “Yeah, sleep. We both need that.” His eyes then landed on the bed, registering even if it were large enough you two could sleep apart, he still opted for caution. 

“Um.. you can take the bed, by the way. I’ll sleep on the couch-”

“No, don’t do that.” You replied quickly. “I can’t sleep on a king-sized bed all by myself, it’s huge.” You side-eyed the massive mattress and laughed a little, lightening the heavy aura casted over the room. 

“Are you sure? I don’t want you to be uncomf-”

“Don’t worry, Taehyung. You don’t make me feel uncomfortable.” You smiled at him lightly and received a small one from him, both your eyes mirroring the same sense of understanding you exchanged at the altar. 

“I’ll let you wash up first, your overnight bag should be in the bathroom closet.” Taehyung informed, pointing towards the direction of your things. 

“Thank you.” You voiced with an amount of warmth that made Taehyung want to genuinely smile, though crushed the weird urge and nodded agreeably instead.

You began walking away from him until a nuisance suddenly occurred to you, cursing yourself as you came to a full stop. “Um, Taehyung.. I forgot but could you..?” You angled your back towards him to call out to the ribbons tying the back of your dress, knowing you would’ve taken 20 years just to untie your bodice yourself. 

The fact that you weren’t looking directly at Taehyung made him feel relieved, glad he wouldn’t embarrass himself with the his eyes slightly widened. He was quick to reprimand himself, it’s just a woman’s dress, why the hell are you shocked? 

Taehyung swallowed dryly before replying, “Uh, yeah I’ll--I’ll do that.” He walked towards you sparingly and positioned himself behind you.

He’d noticed it before, but you were relatively small compared to him in size and it continued to poke at his brain, maybe even momentarily think it was cute. 

Cute? When have I ever found a girl cute?

Taehyung exhaled before his hands carefully made for the silk ribbons, his tentative fingers fiddling with the ties until he eventually began loosening each one. He started unlooping your bodice, breathing out considerably when each loop began exposing your back inch by inch.  

Taehyung’s sweet, hot breath fanned your skin, tensing each time as your every nerve went haywire feeling just how close he was. His slender fingers brushed against your bare skin here and there, making heat collect in your face.

You grew even hotter when your kiss with him suddenly crept back into your mind, unknowing of the reason why excitement and electricity shot throughout your body because of it. The way his soft, full lips met yours, mouthed at you tastefully repeated in your head, making you extremely nervous at how much a measly kiss from him was occupying your mind; it was just a kiss. 

Taehyung found himself tensing by the intimacy of the moment, remembering the way he so boldly kissed you. He found that he liked the plush of your lips, the way he had to bend down to your smaller height to lock lips; and it made him feel strange. 

How the hell was he taking interest in something other than his work? No, this isn’t interest, Taehyung thought, and would spend however long denying it. 

He’d finished the task throughout all his thinking, unrealizing of how proximal he was to you. He oddly hated that the moment was over, coming back down to Earth.

“There you go.” He cleared his voice and stepped away from you. 

You held your bodice up against your chest, realizing Taehyung had a full-access view of your back and you grew 10x hotter. You gulped at the thought before hastily turning around to thank him, quickly disappearing into the bathroom for a moment of reprieve. 

You shut the door and instantly breathed out a breath you didn’t remember holding, looking at your hot mess of a face in the mirror trying to cool down, reliving the last 10 minutes of what just happened. 

You took a deep breath. 

Maybe Taehyung is different after all. 

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