#culminating in a situation where he Has to run away from someone he wants to help and he Has No Choice

[trainingdummyrabbit]

auhg .

[sminiac]

Piwon after an argument 👉🏾👈🏾 -Kyokopi

💌 — I’m sure it’s just bc I started my period but I’ve been so fucking sad lmao, thought now would be a good time to write a lil angst HEHE

⋆ Y. Keeho

Gen overview — He moves around your space very cautiously, slow in a way, like he’s scared of his presence being fully perceived. I feel it’s one of the very few times he isn’t tackling the problem when both of your wounds are so fresh in fear of further irritating them due to his eagerness that could come off as pushy or bitter. Forces himself to endure the silence, the lack of acknowledging each other’s presence even in close proximity, it hurts but he knows everyone processes things differently, including the timeframe of how long that’ll take.

Reconnecting — Truthfully, normally it doesn’t take very long before either of you come back with a “I’m sorry” at the ready, it’s never a you or him situation, in fact a lot of the time it doesn’t matter, the most essential part is communicating, which also consists of a lot of tears- but there’s something so sweet about being able to let go like that with someone else, sharing another one of your most vulnerable moments with each other, gaining an understanding of how his brain works in a way no one else can.

Remainder of members under the cut!

⋆ C. Taeyang

Gen overview — Forces himself to apologize first because he knows if he doesn’t, it’ll just never come. Puts his struggles to the side for you but that doesn’t mean it’s easy, he goes through with it though, and although the process is sore and sometimes difficult the outcome is always worth it. He’s good with noting his own faults and the crowding of his ego that he has to overcome, it’s just the daunting task of reconciling, what if it isn’t so easy? What if you won’t accept his explanation? Would another disagreement arise? Learns that a simple ‘I’m sorry’ with a genuine sense of humility is worth a lot more than he thought it would have.

Reconnecting — This is where Theo’s feelings really show, fighting can be exhausting, and you can tell by the look on his face- even his body language, that he’s really drained and sad now that there’s no other emotions left to cloud over. The most he asks is just allow him to be by your side. Showers or baths together are usually taken after. You don’t need to shower him in gifts or written letters conveying your regret, but you can wash his hair for him, massage his arms and back the way he likes while he hugs you under the comforting stream of hot water.

⋆ C. Jiung

Gen overview — The quickest to feeling irritated if he deems your behaviour as ‘excessive’, but don’t let that intimidate you, he gradually comes to his senses, just give it a minute or two for the bad feelings to settle down. Opposed to Keeho, Jiung isn’t so quick to feel the need to apologize or talk it out, he puts himself at quite the distance, buries his head in work to keep him distracted from the guilt, or the fear of having over done it this time. Coming back to each other is always the most fragile part, the culmination of all the hurtful moments make for quite the emotional reconnection. Apologies are always mutual, you dissect things with each other.

Reconnecting — Jiung’s typically more on the serious side, but after seeing you so upset it’s like a need to allow his silly side to slip. Puts away any distractions and focuses all of his attention on you! Do you wanna go get a drink? He doesn’t want you dehydrated after all those tears. Crying makes you tired, do you want to take a nap? Crying makes you hungry, do you want to go grab some food? He’ll pay, anything you want. Crying makes your nose stuffy, what about a walk outside?

⋆ H. Intak

Gen overview — Feels his emotions very deeply, they almost overtake his entire being, when he’s frustrated there’s not really a filter there to keep his mouth from running away which splits the two of you off, if you’re reactive he’s like gasoline to your fire. It doesn’t happen often, arguing or the spitefulness, he’s normally good with managing his emotions in a healthy way, so he’s extremely regretful when it gets out of hand and the both of you are upset with the other. Exudes penitence to the fullest extent when he’s coming to you with a tearful apology, holds you, just wants to hold you. The feeling of someone crying while being close to them always makes me emotional, it’s just such a deep, inexplicable connection, and that’s exactly how it is with him.

Reconnecting — Very physical and vocal after you’ve both settled. Intak will remain as close to you as possible without actually touching you, scared that his clinginess will be too much until you’re the one initiating it, and every few minutes he’ll try talk to you about anything that interests you, because if you’re talking then surely you’re okay. He’s so puppy, asking: “That new bubble tea place you’ve been talking about is opened, do you want to go soon?” “What happened to that shirt you’ve been looking for? Did you find it? Should we go get you a new one instead?” “We should go to an aquarium, you can dress all pretty so I can take pictures.”

⋆ H. Shota

Gen overview — Learning how to be supportive and respectful of each other’s functions is definitely a process, but it makes you all the more closer with Soul. Not being familiar with these intricacies prior to your arrival in his life means that he does struggle with admitting his own feelings. Soul tends to catch the wavelength of your discontent quickly and immediately molds himself to fulfill whatever your needs are, in doing so he unintentionally disregards his own. He’s at your every word, but he also needs someone who will be there for him just as willingly. Apologizing is easy, he’s quick to admit his mistakes and really takes the time to understand you even if he didn’t to begin with, but he is a little hesitant when asking something of you, all he needs is a little encouragement and reassurance that he deserves just the same treatment.

Reconnecting — Things transition back to normal very smoothly, the both of you silently agree to do your best to end the day off on a good note, which doesn’t take a lot, and by the time you’re in each others arms on the verge of falling asleep it’s like nothing ever happened. Soul’s just very.. you can never outright tell what he’s thinking or what he’s about to do, so even as you’re talking it out in the end, your argument is settled once he says or does something silly because once the both of you are laughing there’s no way the seriousness of the situation could be dragged on for any longer. He’ll kiss you with a big pretty smile, adding on a final “I’m sorry stinky”.

⋆ K. Jongseob

Gen overview — He hates nothing more than the tense atmosphere that post arguments have, and the thing that gets to him the most is not being able to approach you like nothing happened. He knows your feelings are hurt. His are too, but god does he ever miss feeling you curled into him, giggling with each other about stupid things no one else would understand. The silence and ignoring each other only ever lingers for so long, usually he breaks it by pulling you into him when you least expect it, quickly subjecting you to his kisses and a near constant reiteration of how sorry he is for being mean. He snaps out of things quite fast, because he can’t bear the thought of your day going sour because of him, so he does his best to make up for it.

Reconnecting — Immediately tells you how silly he thinks it is to be so upset like this in an attempt to wipe away any negative feelings that were left behind, because he wants to be with you until not even the existence of your souls can live on, why dwell on something so trivial? Why feed into it any more than you have to? Seob likes keeping you busy after, is it odd that he suddenly wants to build things together in your Minecraft world? Maybe a little, but it’s hard to say no when he’s suggesting you make a day out of it with snacks and cuddling included.

ᰔ sminiac’s P1Harmony M.list

Update, after listening to my Laufey playlist and writing Seob’s ‘reconnecting’ bit I’m not as sad, just hungry.

ANOTHER UPDATE I ATE AND NOW I FEEL NAUSEOUS ???? I CANNOT WIN.

[bluegiragi]

Complicated - Ghost/Soap [FIC]

[AN: I don't usually write fics and this definitely won't become a trend, but I had a major brainworm today and had to get it down on the page.

Relevant content tags: miscommunication, mutual pining, ghost being an idiot, angst angst ANGST IF THIS DOESN'T HURT THEN I DIDN'T DO A GOOD ENOUGH JOB.]

ghostsoap but where simon, hurt by a history of shitty relationships and the residual trauma of watching his father destroy his mother, sabotages his own relationship with soap out of fear, terrified by how strongly he feels for the man.

--

He ends it just as it's supposed to start. 

It's a mistake from the beginning, a culmination of adrenaline running high after a job well done, just the slightest buzz of alcohol and Johnny's voice in his ear the entire night. It has him running hot, running stupid, but all he can think of in the moment is how good it feels to kiss Soap so hard it hurts. They tumble into Soap's room in a mess of limbs and he shoves Soap down onto his bed, gets his mouth on him, his hand on him and the sounds he makes, fuck, the feeling of his hands in his hair as he presses his teeth into the curve of his ass-

it's so good that it's heady, makes him more delirious than a fully stocked bar could and he's stuck in the haze of Johnny, Johnny, Johnny and it's only when he hears how he moan his name ("Si, oh fuck - Simon!) as he cums that he realises-

-he loves him.

the realisation opens up a pit in his stomach. it's like someone just dropped him into an ice bath and suddenly he's seeing this in all it's naked, horrifying glory. how he's in his own sergeant's bed, how Soap is petting at his face, almost sleepily, dazed, sated, smiling at him like he's hung the fucking moon and stars and fuck. Fuck.

Ghost shoots to his feet so fast it's almost comical, methodically striding over to where he discarded his clothes when he stumbled into the room (when he wasn't thinking) to drag on his pants, his shirt, his fucking mask (goddamnit). Soap watches him from the bed, his eyebrows lifted in a half-amused half-confused quirk.

"Where you off to?"

"Back to my room."

"Y'know, most people like to linger after they do the deed. Bask in the afterglow." 

Soap stands to cross the room and Ghost almost swears. He can't find his boots.

"You have done this before, right L.T?" Soap says it to tease, but a hint of sincerity creeps in, a tentative olive branch in face of whatever thing he must think Ghost is doing.

"I'm not a blushing virgin if that's what you're asking."

"It's not. I'm asking about your history."

Ghost freezes. The pit in his stomach widens into a black fucking hole. 

"...I have one."

Soap whistles. Ghost, having finally caught sight of his remaining boot, yanks it on almost fast enough to tear through the sole. 

"That bad huh? What happened?"

"Things got complicated."

"And this - this isn't complicated?" Soap asks with a smile. Ghost stares at him for a moment, as the dawning reality of his situation sinks its claws into him. It is. God, it might just be the most complicated things have ever been for him. Fucking hell.

Ghost turns away, does up his laces and gets to his feet.

"Not yet."

"Yet? What's that supposed to mean?" A hint of defensiveness is starting to creep into Soap's voice. Ghost needs to get out of here before that hint burrows under his skin and convinces him to do something idiotic, like get back into bed with the (still naked) man who he just realised he's in too deep with.

"Nothing. See you topside." is all he says as he takes a step towards the door, and then suddenly Soap is there, blocking his view and his stride with a hand on his chest.

"Simon, what's wrong? You're...something's up." he says, and the clench of his heart at the sound of his concern has Ghost gritting his teeth.

"What, because I don't want to spend the night?" 

"The fuck?" Soap laughs out, almost incredulous. "I didn't say that, I j-just -" he stutters, Ghost's mind almost coos and he wants to rip that voice out of his head and suffocate it under a pillow. "What is wrong with you? We fuck once and now I'm chopped liver?"

Johnny stares at him, a crease deepening between his eyebrows, a slight lift to his lips like he's wanting this to be a joke, something in passing, not what he's beginning to understand it is. And the fear, the anger, at Johnny for making him feel this way, for overcomplicating things, at himself for letting him in - it spills out like something poisonous in Ghost's throat, black and putrid and smelling like his father's breath on his worst nights. 

Ghost fixes him with a glare. 

"Is it really so impossible for you to understand this meant more to you than it did to me, Sergeant?"

He regrets the words the moment they leave his mouth but they're out there. Hanging in the air, frozen. Soap stares at him, unmoving.

"...What?" he says in a rasp like in that moment he's giving him a chance to take it back. But Ghost's throat is closed up with something thick and the moment passes and Johnny's expression shutters, eyes blinking, his lips curling up into a wry mirthless grin. He shakes his head at the floor, a hollow laugh jerking out of his chest.

"Alright then," he mutters almost too quiet to hear and then he looks back up at Ghost and the smile falls. "Get out."

"Soap-"

"Get the fuck out." 

Ghost is more or less shoved into the corridor and the door slams behind him with a jarring finality. The silence that falls afterwards feels emptier somehow and for a second, he considers going back inside. Knocking at the door, begging Johnny to let him in, apologising, saying it was all a mistake. Saying that he loved him.

But he doesn't. He hasn't got the parts to do this right. He knows that. His father knew it. Every relationship he's ever had knew it, knew there wasn't enough material to build anything in the pit that was Simon Riley. Staying, giving either of them hope, letting this thing fester into something he'd have to watch die one day -

- this was a mercy. Soap would find someone better. He'd understand in the end.

Simon walks back to his room.

--

Inside, Soap waits until he can't hear Ghost's footsteps anymore before he slides down the length of the door and digs the heels of his palms into his eyes. His stupid, burning eyes.

"Stupid," he hisses quietly to himself. "You stupid, fucking idiot."

--

The next day they're called into a briefing and run into each other in the hall. It's tense. Ghost stares down at the circles under Soap's eyes, how those baby blues widen then flatten into something (colder, his thoughts unhelpfully supply) simpler.

"Sergeant," Ghost says in acknowledgement. Business like always. They've always worked well together. After this passes, after Soap...recovers from whatever shit got into his head that Simon fucking Riley was worth any part of him -

"Lieutenant."

Soap's eyes flick away, forward, and he brushes past him into the briefing room, leaving Ghost standing out in the hallway. 'Lieutenant'. It's his title, there shouldn't be anymore to it. But -

"Let's get ourselves a win yeah, L.T?"

There's something tight in his chest. Ghost clenches his jaw.

When he walks inside the room, Soap is far over on the right side, sitting next to Gaz, chatting animatedly. He doesn't pause when Ghost walks past, doesn't even look as he settles into his seat. Price shoots him a glance from the front. Ghost stares resolutely ahead.

--

"What the fuck did you do, Simon? Shit in his breakfast?" Price levels an accusatory stare his way once they're alone in his office and instinctively, Ghost bristles. And then the look on Soap's face last night comes back to him, the rasp of his "...What?". That last chance he didn't take.

He deflates, and pours himself a glass of the whiskey sitting on top of his captain's desk.

"I ended something before it could start."

Price's eyes soften, almost imperceptibly.

"Oh, son. You didn't."

"It's for both our sakes," Ghost says with a finality, and downs the glass in one go.

[ktyekmrf30]

I know there are still 3 episodes left, including the cursed 11 episode where is always The Drama (TM), but for now I can say that I'm really happy with the fact that the main hidden agenda (again, at this exact moment) for JokeZo turned out to be just Pat helping Joke with info about his friend behind friend's back.

Because sometimes it's just that simple. Sometimes it's not something so big and dramatic or stunt-planned that it can ruin your whole life or your relationship with someone and etc. Sometimes it's just one phrase or one action. Or the lack of it.

Zo already had traumatic experience with Puen and other friend where he was hurt because one friend laughed at him and the other one refused him. Loss of trust. So if a similar situation happened with Joke and Pat but without processing the trauma with help from the outside, Zo could definitely break down.

At one of the sessions with my therapist I remembered a situation from many years ago where I was really uncomfortable but my friend was okay with how things are going so I didn't attach any importance to this and decided to forget about it in the name of our friendship (spoiler: it didn’t work and breakup was awful). When in similar situation that happened last year another friend of mine expressed a similar position towards some things - and for him it was just bad word choosing - I was not prepared for it. It broke me to the point that I needed help. For 3 months in a row I cried non-stop at every session, because I couldn't work through this trauma in time. My friend didn't mean it like that but I just couldn't see the difference anymore. And it was just few words that literally broke me into pieces.

And Zo is in a similiar situation actually and it's his friends actions. But, unlike me, he has worked through his trauma with similiar behavior pattern. And it became possible only thanks to Joke. Joke is the help from outside. Because dialogue is always about two people who take steps towards each other. If one person stands still while another one walks towards him, the first one will get tired. Is this disappointment necessary in a relationship?

Zo learned to trust Joke, his words and actions, allowed him to violate his boundaries but do it with respect and only on the terms that Zo allowed. The ones he was ready to accept at that moment. And Joke respected it, Zo knows it too, he saw it multiple times.

And Joke, unlike Puen, didn't hide his feelings. Joke literally wanted to scream about his feelings and at some point he did it because it seems that everybody in the uni already knows that he loves Zo. And although he himself faced the problem of not being able to correctly express his feelings in words, he still did it. I believe it also helped Zo see the difference and helped to stop comparing situations or people. And this also helped to calm down later, after the thing with Pat was revealed.

The whole culmination of their trust-building journey through food and time together was in ep 8, when instead of a declaration of love, during the bed scene - the words you'd expect to hear in a romantic bed setting is I love you, right? - Joke asked if Zo trusted him and Zo replied that he did. Because that was what really important they wanted to show us.

And that's why Zo was so patient with Joke, waiting for him to admit his lie. He faced his trauma of friends betrayal and he lived through it, also thanks to Joke. He saw how situations are quit similiar but he worked on it, he learned that things can happen and he should remember the experience for growth and learning but Joke is a different person, not his friends from the past. The past is the past and Zo won't run away or make a rush desicions. This is possible only if Zo acknowledged the situation and accepted it for himself. And we see that all that Zo wanted is honesty. And Joke, after some time of being goofy, did it again, didn't hide his feelings, made a confession and admitted things where he was wrong. And Zo was happy and teary because he was right this time. The trust he had for Joke was worth it.

And if suddenly a similar situation happens to him again, it won't break neither disappoint him as a reminder of a past expirience.

That's why I'm really happy right now with the direction Hidden Agenda are going. Because there's no mastermind plans or conspiracy theories behind them although I really love conspiracy theories. It's real life and it's that small things that can happen with everybody, that can hurt everybody.

[lightlycareless]

First, it hurts— Chapter XXXIV

Naoya Zen’in x Fem!Reader

While arranged marriages are not uncommon in the jujutsu community, it was strange to receive a proposal from none other than the Zen’in’s, nonetheless your clan accepted and before you knew it, you were married off to Naoya.

Your new purpose was clear: to serve and submit, to be seen and not heard. To forget any sense of individuality in favor of obeying your husband.

Will this marriage ever flourish into something else? Will it change…for better or for worse?

Chapter warnings: NSFW EXPLICITTTTTTTT. Smut in other words 😊 Someone being miserable, and yeah. Have fun 😊

A/N: None, except, have fun!

Now, without any further ado, happy reading! 🥰

Masterlist ➸ Chapter 35

Ao3 link.

It’s been a while since the staff felt any sense of normalcy at the estate. 

Ever since Naoya had returned from his mission, and subsequently failed his promotion, things just hadn’t been the same.

These days would not be the exception, starting by how uncharacteristically common the absence of the heir had become. 

They always knew where he was —it was kind of their job to know so—whether through their own inquiry or because Naoya was never a “humble” man to begin with. Always the extravagant one, he required all attention on him.

But something had occurred the second time he returned with you that evoked him to distance himself (even more) from everyone else… And, well, they couldn’t blame him: not after seeing the way he essentially cowered away from the world after delivering you safely back home, the sight of him soon becoming a rare occurrence.

The staff may never know why the always overconfident and arrogant Naoya suddenly became coy; and at the same time, it’s something he’ll never forget.

Another day passed, and Naoya has yet to see you—although this time it’s more of his decision than yours.

Ashamed and humiliated for your unquestionable preference for anyone else but him, Naoya has found himself actively trying to hide his presence from everyone around him in hopes of avoiding confrontation on what he deems a miscalculation of your persona.

To say that he was afflicted after seeing you rush to your ladies as soon as you stepped out of the car, doing the same when Naoaki stepped into frame, would be an understatement. 

From the moment he walked away from you, scurried past the staff, and avoided the limelight, it’s all he’s ever thought. It’s all he can think of, more so after receiving the constant pressure of being watched, ridiculed, from the people he was running away from.

Like a car crash, it was a sight they couldn’t peel their eyes away from. Because for the first time in their life, they got to see Naoya experiencing pain .

Small actions that slowly snowballed into this culmination, Naoya was starting to feel the heavy consequences he’d inflicted in his marriage.

He’d seen the consequence of his actions before, he knew what to do, what to expect and how to fix it. Even without Ranta’s guidance, Naoya has never found it necessary to try more than once to get what he wants.

So why isn’t this the same situation? Why is his problem solving skills not working in these circumstances? Why is this the exception? Why are you the exception?

He wishes to know—and it seems that everyone else too, judging by their shock in the following occasions.

In the scarce moments he’s blessed by the presence of others —those who have slowly regained the routine of addressing him once the fad of harshly scrutinizing him began to fade— they’ve professed their surprise at Naoya’s alleged attempts in getting to know you, as well as the way you couldn’t care less for such things.

“Did you see the things they returned with?” one of his staff members would whisper during one uneventful work day.

“Looks like Naoya-sama went shopping with his wife. But she didn’t seem all too happy about it, I mean, did you see the way she rushed towards her staff and Naoaki-sama?” the other remarked.

“Ooh, that was painful to watch” the first admitted. “And for the first time I ever saw him do something like that—can’t say I blame him, I’d do the same if my wife preferred anyone else but me. Oh, how embarrassing…”

Naoya’s heard enough of distasteful comments for a lifetime to grow somewhat immune to them, not taking much space in his mind anymore, but it didn’t mean they hurt any less.

Or so that’s what he thought, his peace suddenly disrupted yet again when his brothers, whom he thought knew better than to meddle in his own things, had thought appropriate to intervene with their unrequited commentary.

Naohito, one of the siblings that was rarely at the estate, knew he had lots of catching up on all the outrageous things that had seemingly passed in his home while away. Last time he knew anything about Naoya was during the announcement of his marriage— obviously, he wasn’t invited to the wedding, so that was the last of it.

He didn’t think much of the arrangement or you per se, outside of feeling pity for you for having to marry such a despicable man and joining an equally, or worse, family. 

His interest from that point forward was kept to the limit, solely focusing on his job—but when he heard of what transpired just weeks into your marriage, what many described as “Naoya finding someone of his caliber, equally disruptive” … he was effectively intrigued.

“What the hell?” He’d say to one of his siblings, Naohiko; the one who’d taken the role of informant, the one that knew (and wanted) most of the details, since the rest of the siblings longed to keep as far away as possible from Naoya’s life. “What do you mean my brother’s wife stood up to the old man??”

“Believe it or not, that’s what happened” Naohiko shrugged, there’s the slightest tone of incredulity in his voice, as if he couldn’t believe his brother wasn’t trusting his words… like he didn’t go through the same situation when he first heard this from the staff—well, he was always like that: quick to judge others while blinded to his own faults. “From there, Naoya has been nothing but a lost puppy running behind her, trying his best to get her attention or something—it’s pathetic really, but not as much as her chasing Naoaki”

“Naoaki?” Naohito frowns, wondering if there’s an end to this… he doesn’t even know how to describe it… circus? “What the— Wait, what? What do you mean by Naoaki?”

“Everyone thinks she’s with him” Naohiko says, but before Naohito is able to do as much as tilt his face out of confusion, he continues. “Yeah, in that kind of relationship. I didn’t think it was true at first, but after seeing what I did when they came back, now I know it’s happening. They’re definitely banging, for sure—or at least now they are”

“Ugh, gross Naohiko” the other squirms out of disgust, doing his best to flush the mental image out of his mind. “I didn’t ask you to go into details.”

“Well, it’s the truth! However you look at it, it all points to that.”

“Truth or not, it serves Naoya right—after all the shit he’s done to us, it’s the least of what he deserves.”

Any other occasion Naoya would’ve burst through the door and put them all in their place—remind them that if it weren’t because he’s still heir, he would’ve kicked them all out of the estate, and that they should get on their knees to convince him to not retaliate once he’s inevitably made clan leader… if not kill themselves to save himself from the bore, they were already a waste of time, so might as well get on with it.

But it’s been days since he’s felt the energy to do that, or anything at all.

Stuck in a depressive state that only allows him to focus on the bare minimum, if not below that, Naoya has been slowly dying, and no amount of reassurance could stop him from spiraling into despair.

Not even the doctor’s professional statement, the one that declared there was nothing deeper going on between his brother and you, would be enough to mend his broken heart—because Naohiko was right. 

After how he saw you run to him, with a smile on your lips, and your face bright with happiness he’s never been recipient of… what makes him think you didn’t take the next—

Ranta is the only one that remains by his side. The only one that knew of his sentiments, and the only one that cared enough to worry.

It wasn’t even necessary for the heir to say anything, one glance at his dark eyes, gloomy aura, and his lack of enthusiasm, it soon became evident he was anything if not miserable—and he can’t help but feel a bit responsible for it.

The plan he’d created to help his friend had failed majestically; Naoya’s attempts in getting to be with you, get to know you, and rekindle this broken marriage had all been for nothing seemingly because of Ranta’s miscalculations.

He thought you were still within hand’s grasp, in range to be influenced into accepting that maybe the two had gotten off the wrong foot and start anew… but you were too far gone from any of these options, moving further and further away as days went by, indifferent to wonder why Naoya reached out to you in the first place… because unlike his best friend, you didn’t care for any of it.

Unlike Naoya, Ranta has kept a close eye on you and Naoaki, still hoping to see that maybe things weren’t as bad, that he was just exaggerating.... 

Unfortunately, they were; what he had seen between the two are not things he knew Naoya wouldn’t want to hear, less he wanted to stir the flames of the rumors surrounding you and his brother.

Yet, because he knows just how much you mean to his best friend, and how willing Naoya has become as of lately, he still refuses to give up. 

Such, he decides to follow through with Naoya’s unexpected gesture, one Ranta’s still surprised for, glad that he’d actually gone ahead to do so without having to tell him, but disappointed that even this act of wasn’t enough for you to give him a second chance.

“You bought her the discs, right?” Ranta asks one day during dinner, hoping to get confirmation from his stoic friend who hadn’t even picked his food—having to convince him to eat from time to time to avoid him losing any more weight and getting sick—while silently pleading that this didn’t evoke some kind of brash reaction from him.

Naoya hums, an indication that he acknowledged him… but wasn’t completely there. In a way, it feels… wrong to see him so quiet… so defeated. Ranta now regrets ever wishing to see a calm version of him during the moment’s he’d snap at him, because it’s downright terrifying .

“Do you know if she… if she’s received them yet?”

With all certainty, that’s a question he doesn’t know how to respond to since he’s been wanting to avoid the subject all together, while considering the large time frame the employee warned it would take for them to get all what he requested—no, demanded for— plus the logistics.

Your husband still remembers the urgency in which he had approached the young man, motivated to keep it as a surprise for you, which he’d presumed to be a good one considering how you went on and on about your parents and how much they liked said artists, while eagerly wanting to see your reaction.

Now that he looks back on it, he feels stupid for having gotten his hopes up—if he knew they were to go unappreciated, he wouldn’t have done anything at all…

Yet, he did it. That much he’ll never forget.

“All—all of it?” the young man trembled; his previous work disregarded in favor of dealing with the insistent, rude man before him, who had managed to startle him from the very moment he saw him rushing towards him from the corner of his eye.

“Did I hesitate? I said all of the albums you have from them!” Naoya chastised, severe enough to show how serious he was, but low enough to keep you out of the loop. This was to be a surprise, after all. “Even the international ones, I don’t care how much it costs, I want them delivered to this address as soon as possible!”

“But—I—It’s going to take the warehouse—”

“You love making me repeat myself, don’t you?” He sneers, an arrogant smirk on his face. “What do you need? Proof of income? Here! This is my contact information, you better get it done, and get it done fast !”

As anticipated, Naoya got an email a few days after, informing him that the order was finally being processed, and that it would soon find its way to the provided address, as well as thanking Naoya for his patronage. 

After that, another notification, this time regarding shipping. The tracking number, when it was dispatched, on its way to the destination, and finally… that it was signed and delivered.

Naoya didn’t find it necessary to closely monitor the trail of his acquisition, leaving those emails on read before deleting them, since any delivery to his home was firstly revised and subsequently notified to him by the staff.

Considering the dates of those emails, as well as the extra cost he paid for an express delivery, Naoya assumes you’d already gotten his “surprise”

Yet, he wasn't informed of such a fact.

Guess the loyalty of the staff now outgrew him.

“I don’t know” he responds “Maybe by this time she has.”

“I can ask the staff if you want me to.”

“And what for? There’s a reason they hadn't told me—either because they hadn’t arrived or because they don’t care to tell me anymore. Have you forgotten I’m irrelevant now?”

“Ah, Naoya, I didn’t mean—”

“What difference does it make at this point?” he murmured, looking away from his dish, tired of looking into the food he has no appetite for. “Isn’t it obvious? She’s already received the things but for some obvious reason, I wasn’t informed of that— Do I need to go on?”

Ranta goes quiet, feeling himself to have walked right into that one. So much for Naoya not snapping…

“Don’t give up” The young man eventually attempts to comfort him, the heir only scoffs. “You still got her something that many would’ve found moving. You got her a set of vinyl that means a lot to her family and to her, that… that must mean something, right?”

Maybe . That seems to be the answer to most of the questions pertaining to you nowadays, if not a resounding no. 

“I don’t know.”

But he won’t dismiss the fact that he isn’t inherently curious to know what your reaction could’ve been. He saw, even for a brief second and through the gloomiest of moments, how your eyes twinkled, your lips slightly curving upwards, as you lost yourself in the memories of your family.

It’s undeniable that the albums held a sentimental value, so you wouldn’t— you couldn’t be completely emotionless to his gesture… 

Deep inside him, and contrary to the words he’d been gloomily spewing to his best friend, Naoya refuses to believe that his gesture was found to be so despicable, you couldn’t even see what he tried to do. 

He doesn’t know why, for he has sufficient of a track record to know this will end in a  negative outcome, but maybe it’s the stubbornness in his nature that pushes him to desperately cling onto the hope that his marriage is still worth saving.

So after a bit more of Ranta’s convincing, which helped him regain a sliver of his previous confidence, Naoya sets himself to figure out just what exactly happened with his gift.

Your husband was never one to cower from challenges, no matter how difficult they got. In fact, he relished on them for they served as ways to confirm what he already knew, what he was capable of doing; and it helped that he got meritorious rewards—such as words of admiration, as well as luxuries his family was more than capable of affording, but, well, he liked getting them either way. 

But when it came to you, these challenges were nothing but impossible to complete, each time widely different and harder, no matter how much he wanted to prepare. Because of that, he ironically knew what to expect. 

His first obstacle would be finding you in the extensive estate— while you remained limited in the places you could go, you surprisingly managed to keep a low profile. It was also incongruous how the only time he set his mind on finding you, he was having a rough time, but when he didn’t, you seemed to be everywhere.

A good way to remind him of what he had, on what he’s lost—

The most obvious thing to do to solve this problem was ask someone from his entourage for any sightings.

Once the answer was provided, but not without hearing some nasty murmurs behind his back as soon as he started to leave, he made way to your location.

You were to be exactly where they told him you’d be—a surprising fact, considering he’s been consistently doubting their loyalty from a point forward— at the south wing, sitting at the dining hall, eating, alongside the company of a third of your staff, Mariya, who was unable to stop her disdain towards him from showing on her face as soon as he showed up.

Any other moment she would’ve looked away, perhaps out of respect, etiquette to not directly into the master’s eyes, or even out of fear, but that sentiment is nothing but a shadow of the past—justified by the altercation she went through for having dared stand up against him, one of the many things she’ll never forget, and one she swore to never allow again.

That… and because she couldn’t believe her eyes, bewildered to see him like… that : eyes sunken, skin pale, face thinner… This is the most Mariya had ever seen Naoya so miserable, that it almost makes her feel pity for him.

Almost . If only she hadn’t seen you in a worse state.

Taking into consideration the previous points, as well as the fear (and surprise, you’d later disclose, for having acknowledged Naoya’s unusual deteriorated state too) she knows you must be experiencing thanks to their prediction becoming unfortunately true, Mariya wastes no time to step in-between the two, diverting his gaze from you and onto her before proceeding.

“Is there something I can help you with, Master Naoya?” Her voice is direct and clear, the stance of a loyal, dedicated lady-in-waiting, holding no interest in entertaining any of his silly antics.

“I wish to speak with my wife” he tensely responds—caught off guard by the abruptness of her words, as well as the tension that seemed to engulf the air almost immediately after he stepped into the room. Mariya seemed to have that ability with anyone that dared question her, he’d later discover.

He certainly doesn’t wish to ever feel this way when you’re around, always envisioning that a wife should provide comfort and understanding wherever her husband is…

Although that seems to be nothing but a dream of his, since he doesn’t feel much of your husband nowadays, somebody else already reaping those benefits instead.

“If you wished to speak with her then you should’ve scheduled a meeting beforehand, since she’s already busy for the day.” Mariya responds, and Naoya, knowing to be extra careful when referring to you and your staff, less he wants to see you run away once more, holds back the urge to harshly retaliate.

Formalities are the one thing Naoya has always had, and always will, hate from his position. 

His position as heir should’ve provided him with the power to overrule these things, just as he’d seen his father do countless times in the past… but because he’s not there yet, he needs to succumb to certain procedures.

Thankfully, Naoya is all too knowledgeable of these things thanks to the elder’s consistent drilling, trained from a very young age to be acquainted with them, so he might as well use them to his advantage.

“It’s a quick, but urgent matter” He explains “So a meeting will not be necessary.”

“I don’t think it’s right that Lady Y/N be introduced to these… exceptions when she has yet to become acquainted with all of her duties—it might incite… wrong habits.”

Ah, Mariya… always the diplomatic one.

“I still don’t think it’s necessary” he repeats “I just want to ask her something.”

You, having stopped eating the very moment you noticed it was him entering the room, glanced up to Mariya. 

The two exchange quiet glances, words unable to be spoken through the knot of your throat and the sensibility of the situation, however, where your voice can’t your eyes step in, with her quickly understanding what you mean, having prepared for it days prior, and allowing you to do so.

“What do you need?” stepping aside, it’s now your voice speaking. Naoya takes a step closer as if to hear you better, get a better look, but Mariya lets him know to not do that by replicating his action.

Your husband swallows, heavily disliking her intervention, but as the great sorcerer he was, he doesn’t allow his sentiments to distract him from his intentions and ignores it.

“The albums, did you see them?” he finally asks, and the moment you long expected finally arrives, uneasiness settling deep in your stomach. It was only a matter of time he’d come barging through your door and inquiry about his devious gift, only a fool would think otherwise.

Thankfully, your decision to get rid of them would give you a slight advantage, something that perhaps Naoya did not see coming due to the emotional value you placed on them. Or so you wished to believe.

You take a deep breath, clutching to the fabric of your skirt, swiping the sweat from your palms before garnering all the courage you could to commence your “performance”.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” you say, playing with the fact that technically, you shouldn’t know, since it was a surprise (a bad one at that), with a frown on your face that intended to show confusion.

Naoya isn’t irritated by your answer, a surprisingly rare occurrence, instead he’s… disappointed. A bit let down that he didn’t find any enthusiasm behind your voice for this revelation—didn’t you like these things?

He’s slightly embarrassed to explain himself with Mariya present, but if he wants to get to the bottom of this situation, that’s just what he needs to do.

“I got you the albums you spoke about—the ones from the store”

Your face remains with the same expression, if not a slight more… emotionless. The wound in Naoya’s heart made by his unrealistic expectations slowly deepens.

“Oh, if that’s the case, then I… wouldn’t know, I haven’t received anything.” you admit, still feigning your ignorance to the best of your unsuspecting ability. 

“ Really? Because I got a notification that they were signed for.” He counters, and even with all the amount of preparation you and Mariya obtained, neither couldn’t stop the dreadful sensation of almost being caught in the act, the one that made your heart painfully thunder against your chest while your hands trembled, from happening.

Attempting to quiet your nerves, your mind goes back through the plan you and your staff made in case Naoya didn’t take the bait, and to the next step.

An event that once brought you enormous disappointment, but under these circumstances, you think you’d be able to give it some positive use , one that will hopefully remind him of the world that went on outside as well as how most of the things occurring around you were out of your hands… all thanks to his own merits.

“Maybe it was stolen…. Wasn’t there an unusual rise of mail theft a while ago… ?” you suggest, and the tension of having to look at him suddenly became too much to handle, causing your body to instinctively turn away, glancing at anywhere but him.

You inwardly curse yourself for having reacted that way, but considering there was no way to backtrack your actions, you just pray it didn’t give your deceit away. 

And it seems it didn’t, because Naoya didn’t even notice to act upon it, or did, but instead decided to ruminate on your factual statement, one that he should know all about since it was one of the many reasons he used to keep your sister “at bay” back then,  … as well as been a victim of such felony himself. 

The notion of your lack of awareness due to this alleged reason brings him relief, hope even, that maybe he’d exaggerated. Because how did he expect you to react to something you haven’t even seen? Or so, you alleged.

With nothing else for him to do that might incite further information from this case, or get a more cheerful reaction from you, Naoya decides to leave you alone for the time being in favor of finding out whether he had to file a report, or deal with the possibility that you were rejecting his advancements, lying, again .

His investigation leads him to where Ranta initially suggested, the staff. 

Naoya never liked intermingling with them because he thought it a waste of time, as well as a direct disregard of his own title of heir, the fact that he’s doing this to begin with makes him feel a bit… downgraded—A man like him shouldn’t have to seek out answers, they should be coming to him.

But it’s during these desperate times that he understands he can’t pick and choose his actions, he needs to get his hands dirty if he wants to get things done right. 

Naoya heads to the first place that comes to mind, one he always considered to have the answers when it came to the inner workings of the estate—towards the north wing, with Meiko.

If someone were to know what happened with the staff located inside and outside the estate, it would be her. So it makes sense why he’d seek her out so abruptly, not even bothering to announce his intentions, letting his unexpected arrival do the job instead.

“Naoya-sama!” She’d yelp, voice breathy and eyes wide as soon as she sees him, rushing to bow before him. 

Even with her shock, a slight edge of excitement was to be found in her voice, one that could make anyone believe she was excited about seeing him in person—an honor, in other words— for high ranking masters rarely interacted with staff so directly.

But even then, this was not an occasion she would enjoy greatly, for deep inside she was a bit frightened, because when such occurrences happened, they were often accompanied by terrible news; Meiko can’t help but wonder if this is to be the beginning of her inevitable retirement as she slowly lifts her head to see him. “How may I serve you today?”

“Were there any deliveries these past few days done under my wife’s name?” he asks, blunt and straight to the point. Unlike her, he has no attachment. Not even for the fact that she’s been around the estate for as long as he could remember, and maybe even before that. To him, she’s just another pawn to use to his advantage. 

In that matter, Naobito is a much better master.

Meiko doesn’t hide her distaste for your mention, always thinking low of you, feeling as if anyone else, literally anyone else , could’ve been a better match for the heir. The likeness of her young niece or granddaughter crosses her mind, but that’s a dreamful conversation for another time.

“The mailman did make a delivery the other day” she informs, remembering reading through the report a few hours ago. “However I didn’t check if there was anything for your wife—but I’ll figure it out right now! I’ll check with the ones that are in charge of that and let you—”

“No, that won’t be necessary.” Naoya interjects, finding the rest of her commentary redundant. “Just tell me who they are and where to find them. I’ll do it myself.”

“Oh, no, I can’t allow that Naoya-sama, please let me do—“

His piercing silent gaze is threatening enough for her to understand that she was over extending her “generosity” and was better off doing what he requested. 

Meiko takes a deep breath and immediately tells him of the people who were assigned for mail duty that day, relaying where to find them and their respective schedules. Naoya is somewhat surprised that a woman of her age was able to recount such a large amount of precise information from the top of her head—just to show how dedicated she is to his family, one of the few remaining at this point..— before setting off to his new destination.

Where he unfortunately wouldn’t be able to find anything of help, for as she caught wind of his intentions, Mariya alerted Tatsuro and advised him to do anything he could to avoid being confronted by the heir, or at least, stall his advancements until she came up with another solution, or grew tired of this chase, whatever occurred first.

“What do you mean he’s not here?” Naoya frowns, snapping at the two men before him, the ones that usually share shifts with Tatsuro.

“Yes, he’s indisposed, Naoya-sama” one of them responds as calmly, and unsuspectingly as possible. Lying to a master this way never meant any good— less if he gets caught.

“ Indisposed ?” Naoya shrieks  “I just spoke to Meiko and she didn’t mention anything about him being sick!”

Fortunately for them, they had enough evidence to back up their statement.

Soon after Mariya informed Tatsuro of what was to go down, he set in motion the plan he had previously outlined and was completely confident it would free him of any culpability. 

To not make the story long, what he did was get himself into an “accident”. Make it appear as he’d unknowingly messed up while doing one of his usual procedures, a human miscalculation, and hurt his arm… with the intention of getting temporarily discharged to recover.

A simple flu would’ve done the job… if it weren’t for Meiko’s skepticism. One had to be dying in order to be believed…

Anyways, all of this was done in the small window Naoya’s search provided, and by the time Meiko knew of it, it was too late for her to inform him. When it came to dedication, Tatsuro and Mariya were really the best in the game.

However, it’s not something that Mariya would be particularly proud of in this situation, understandably enraged that this was the solution he thought of to avoid placing a target on his back.

Even with its effectiveness, this wouldn’t save him from earning him a scolding on her part, arguing that he should’ve asked her what to do, instead of going ahead and placing himself in a position that could cause irreversible damage!

“Don’t worry, I’ve worked on this long enough to know what will kill me, or won't” he tried to reassure her, but she just rolled her eyes, sighing out of frustration. 

“Is that supposed to make me feel better, Tatsuro? Cause it’s not” she frowns.

“But it worked, didn’t it?” he grins., and she has to concede.

“Just… Please, be careful. And let this be the first and last time you do something like that! Because I dread to think the moment you might need help and you don’t get it for crying wolf…”

Tatsuro was on his way to be revised by the medic and get an order that would effectively force him to rest, and further avoid the heir, when Naoya arrived in the presence of his poor coworkers. 

He wished them good luck as well as apologies for having relegated the hard part to them, but didn’t worry too much since he knew they were nothing less than innocent when it came to the great scheme of things.

Fast forward to this moment, to the point where his plan came into fruition that’s to the way Naoya angrily stared down at Tatsuro's close friends for his absence, frantically wondering how he is to get more information about the supposed package that was never delivered if the one responsible was seemingly out of commission.

“What do you mean you don’t know?” He insists once more. “Weren’t you there with him when he received the delivery?”

“We were but we didn’t—”

“Then what are the two of you imbeciles being paid for?!”

One of them swallows, his job flashing across his eyes. Is it worth going through all this risk just to protect a woman they barely even knew?

“It’s the right thing to do. We’ve all heard by now how horrible he’s treated her… and Mariya.” Tatsuro would remind them, his voice hissing at the last part. “The least we could do is get that piece of shit a taste of his own medicine.”

“It’s not our duty to sign packages or check who they’re being delivered to. Tatsuro-san is the one with the jurisdiction” The other would explain, relaying nothing but the truth. Tatsuro is the one that had the authority to sign packages with the Zen’in clan insignia on these occasions, as well as approve their inspection for safety issues. “We just check if there’s anything dangerous inside, and from there, he arranges the deliveries to the recipients. However… we do have your orders to not deliver anything to her without your previous—”

“Ok! Ok! I get it” Naoya huffs, irritated. Damn his fucking order. What a great time to be reminded of that.

“I’ll just ask one last time. Was there anything intended for Y/N? Did you see anything that might imply that?”

“We don’t know—no.” the other responds, and with that, Naoya lets out and exasperated groan and storms out of the room, leaving the two men to look at each other nervously, expectantly wondering what was to happen and what it meant it to his friend and you, as well if they had cleared out of this situation… for the moment.

Well, not yet. And more realistically, they wouldn’t. While their actions did manage to stall Naoya, earning you some time to ideate more excuses, that didn’t stop your husband from assuming the next most reasonable thing.

Considering the statements from his staff, as well as his impatience for having to wait for the day the one in charge would feel better—whenever that might be— he concluded that his packages were indeed stolen. In a way, Naoya assumes he should’ve seen it coming, imagining the boxes to be undeniably intriguing due to the size and weight as provided by the delivery service, so it was stupid a thief wouldn’t dare attempt something.

Well, regardless of who or why, Naoya didn’t like being scammed, and luckily for him, he had more than enough evidence to make a claim, an insurance to claim, as well as an excuse to make their poor workers' lives miserable for having wasted his time.

Naoya quickly changes into his outdoors attire, heads to the car, not bothering to inform his staff where he’s going for it was to be a quick endeavor, and drives towards the city, where the nearest post office was to be—it’s a miracle that even with his anger, he’s still able to drive safely.

Once at the post office, Naoya abruptly steers his car at the nearest available parking spot and storms inside the office, alarming the two workers and customer inside as he imposes his frustrations above everyone else’s necessities.

It doesn’t take long before his commotion summons someone to his aid, already driven to calm him down, more so upon recognizing his heritage (the Zen’in keep a close relationship with many governmental institutions due to their power—they had to know who the figures of power were) as well as to avoid further upsetting the clients that were already eyeing Naoya as if he were a mad man, considering whether to call the police or not.

The employee, who turned out to be the manager, requests Naoya to follow him into his office to deal with his problem in a more… “appropriate” manner. Once out of the customer’s earshot, and after offering him a seat which Naoya rejected, he begins.

“To what I owe this pleasure, Zen’in-sama?”

“Cut the chatter” Naoya abruptly responds, not caring for formalities at this particular moment (or anywhere really, less with a window ) “I need to find out where these packages were delivered to” he says, taking out his phone and showing him the tracking numbers provided by the store. 

The man takes a closer look at the information, immediately recognizing the delivery date and who was assigned to do the job—after all, they only have 2 people in charge of dealing with the Zen’in, a necessary measure to keep their lifestyle private.

The man decides to ask Naoya for more details, the reasons as to why he thinks they were not delivered, and instead, stolen—this is a very sensitive thing to accuse others of, more so coming from the jujutsu community, so he had to be sure before escalating the report to the authorities. 

“Because I looked around the estate and they’re nowhere to be found” Naoya said what only a select few would consider a lie. “But they were signed , you see? Makes me think one of your employees got the nerve to steal from my family.”

The man swallows, sensing his accusation to have grown darker but unable to debunk them. Hoping to avoid getting the rage of the Zen’in, the man proceeds to directly consult with the one that delivered said order—reaching over to the phone by the desk and quickly dialing the employees number, the line beeping immediately after. 

A few seconds pass, and then, a voice is heard through the speaker.

“Hey, what’s up? How can I—”

“Did you visit the Zen’in estate a few days ago to deliver something?”

“Oh, Uh… the Zen’in estate… the one up the mountains, right?”

“Yes”

The man doesn’t linger on the question for much, for there’s no other family that lives up there— in an expensive, impressive looking house for that matter. So he knows exactly what his boss is talking about.

“Yeah, I did. Three boxes really, and another days after” he remembers. “Quite heavy too, they were a pain to get off from the truck and put them by the door but I managed anyway. That usually doesn't bother me, unless my back is already hurt–“

“ Focus , Jiro…”

“Right… Anyways, why do you ask? Were there any issues with the delivery?” Or anything else that might put his career in jeopardy? He always made sure to be nice and attentive to those he was delivering to, even those that had unruly pets out to receive him or the ones that always complained about his “tardiness” even when he was anything if not early… 

“No, I just wanted to check. I’m assuming everything was filed correctly?” 

“Yep, got the wolf stamp and everything” he says, referring to the Zen’in clan’s emblem, a revelation that makes Naoya’s blood run cold, before it boiled at its significance.

He was lied to.

His staff lied to him.

You lied to him.

Before the man could ask anything else, Naoya left the office in the same fashion he had arrived in, jumping back into his car and frantically driving all the way back to his home, miraculously avoiding getting a citation from any nearby police officer, his mind set in confront you into a response, as he tried to push aside the painful, deceiving reality of his situation.

Naoya couldn’t fathom a reason as to why you’d do such a thing towards his gesture, or more likely, he doesn’t want to ponder on it because he knows it’ll just anger him more.

He’d given you the attention you wanted, didn’t he? Naoya showed he cared, that he listened to what you had to say even though he found it uninteresting, and proved you so with physical evidence .

Yet, that served for nothing because you continued to ignore him—and not only that, you had discarded his gifts as if they meant nothing! Were they even at the estate anymore? What did you do to them? Did you throw them in the trash? Burned them? What was it this time that you did against him??

He needs answers, the definite explanation coming from your own voice to end this torment once and for all.

Once arriving at the estate, car parked and keys thrown to the nearby staff, Naoya wastes no time to dive into the hallways, eyes diligently scrutinizing every inch, nook, and cranny the deeper he goes into the estate, desperate to find you.

His urgency makes it possible for that to happen soon after, although not in a situation of his liking: you were there, seemingly enjoying an evening stroll around the garden, but not with your usual company.

No, they were gone—instead, the one by your side was none other than the bane of his existence, his executioner… his brother, Naoaki.

As if his brother's continuous interposing in his marriage wasn’t enough reason for his anger, the way you seemingly couldn't contain —not even for a second— the desire to be with his brother as soon as he left the estate is what finally pushes him over the edge.

The sight of his smile and your chuckles soon have him seeing red, and it doesn't take any longer than that for him to do what he should’ve done the first time he saw the two together, instead of the running away like a coward—something that he briefly hesitates to do, because even with the resentment he carries for this adultery , he still feels very deep inside, nestled in the very core of his soul, that maybe… maybe , he deserves this.

When you eventually acknowledge Naoya’s presences, it’s far too late for you to do anything—you’re midway turning around to see who it was when an abrupt and tight grip takes hold of your arm, swiftly pulling you away from Naoaki and onto your husband’s side, unwittingly impacting against his arm as he dangles you in place.

Your mind struggles to process this succession, for just a few seconds ago you were on your way towards your next task, while taking advantage of what little peace you had left to prepare for the moment Naoya would inevitably found out of the “missing” discs, unintentionally bumping into Naoaki while at it, whom you were more than excited to see after days of absence… and then, you were besides Naoya, plans severed as his the imminent danger of his presence unfolded before you.

Once you finally assimilate what happened, you’re rattled into fighting, exerting all of your energy into writhing and tugging against his encompassing hold, to no avail. 

The more you tried, the more you realized there was no escape from this situation, and it soon began to settle inside your mind that another harsh punishment was on its way.

“Let me go!” you cry, continuing to apply all your force into freeing yourself from his hand, but your response only causes Naoya to tighten his hold, fingers digging deeper into your skin, imprinting his anger onto your arm even through extensive layers of clothing, undoubtedly marking you for days to come and keeping you in place. “Let— me—let me go!” You managed to squeak through the suffocation of your throat as adrenaline pushed tears down your cheeks. 

Your desperation is engulfing, frightful, and like a cornered animal you’re instinctively pushed to seek out the only salvation you can think of, you know you can trust on, Naoaki. 

He doesn’t need to look at your teary, frightened eyes for more than a fraction of a second to jump to your aid, swiftly reaching for the hand Naoya had on you, grappling his wrist with enough force to relent his hold on you, and releasing you. 

It’s only when you’re free that Naoaki grabs you by the arm as well and quickly pulls you to safety, a gesture that your body doesn’t take all too kindly, but your mind comprehends to be done for your well being, proceed to cower behind his back and use his body as a shield against the demonic, incessant tyranny your husband, whom you feared was waiting for the right moment to get you again, this time, in a much harsher manner.

And Naoya was considering that, if it wasn’t for the sight of you hiding behind Naoaki that falters his intentions. He’d seen you act scared towards his father, even towards him on the day the two were out in the city… but never to this extent, never to the point he felt as if he were the most despicable being in the world—a monster .

That… that shouldn’t be you. You shouldn’t be reacting this way— it’s wrong, it’s bad, he’s to protect you—

“What the fuck were you thinking, Naoya?!” Naoaki’s voice was loud and demanding, powerful enough to cut through Naoya’s dazed, heavy breathing and your quiet whimpers; a symptom of the heavy tension built up around them, one that had to be immediately stopped, less it was to escalate into another horrible disaster like the many he’s been witness of.

“What is wrong with you?!” he seethes, effectively pulling Naoya’s attention onto him. “Haven’t you had enough of hurting Y/N?!”

“This—This doesn’t concern you, Naoaki!” Naoya attempts to jeer through his strained voice, appearing as if he were unaffected by his presence, but one closer look, and you’d be able to discern his… want to cry…? “I had enough of your meddling, step aside and leave us alone!”

“That’s where you’re wrong, Naoya” Naoaki snaps back, a frown on his face while clenching his jaw, and this briefly startles your husband.

“Let’s just go, Naoaki…” you whisper, not liking where this conversation is going, but both brothers were too deep into their respective angers to notice. Not even your persistent yanks on his shirt were enough to make him snap out of it. “Please—”

“No, you’re the one that’s wrong! You’ve always been wrong!!” Naoya yells as he takes a step closer to the two, something he’ll immediately regret when he sees you flinch, holding on tighter to Naoaki’s shirt and further retracting behind his back—unknowingly stirring more of his brother’s protectiveness towards you by the way he manages to cover you from your husband’s sight.

Naoya’s heart twinges at the sight, but it doesn’t stop him from continuing with his tirade—there things don’t matter anymore. It’s nothing other’s or he hadn’t expected… 

“I had enough of you acting as if you suddenly care for her! Parading around the estate as if I weren’t even there , and then—and then doing this ! Don’t forget your place, Naoaki, I’m the heir, and Y/N is my rightful wi—”

“You sure got the nerve to say that after all you’ve done to her” Naoaki interjects. “I would be ashame d of calling her my wife if I treated her the way you do!”

“Oh, you would love that, wouldn’t you?” Naoya breathes hotly, seemingly seeing through his intentions. “You’ve always been the envious one of the bunch. Always plotting ways to cause my downfall, and always failing. You should’ve known better than to stick your nose in things that don’t concern you, like my marriage! You’re the reason why she’s begun to lie to me, why she’s gotten the nerve of discarding my gifts, as if they’re worthless!” he says, his voice deafening, that you can’t stop yourself from closing your eyes, wanting it to disappear.

Naoaki is caught off guard by his last statement, completely unaware of this supposed delivery, or the reasoning behind your secret—but this doesn’t alter his opinion of you, nor stop him from defending you from the domineering ways of your husband. 

Who knew what would’ve happened if he wasn’t there? That’s something he doesn’t even want to think about.

“I never knew you to be a liar, Naoya. Or delusional.” Naoaki denounces. “At least not so blatantly .”

Naoya frowns, both offended and confused by his attempt at a jab. He’s not delusional, never has been, and someone as successful as him couldn’t be… right? So what does Naoaki mean by this?

“What do you—”

“Are you really that blind? ” Naoaki asks, voice dripping with skepticism, while Naoya remains unaware that by each word that slips through his mouth, it only builds up as evidence for his brother’s accusation. “Get your head out of your ass for a second and open your eyes for the first time in your goddamn life!”

“I will not tolerate this level of disrespect—”

“Oh, no.” he chuckles. “Of course not, but we will. Don’t we? We must .”

“Naoaki” you fret.“Please, stop—let’s just go—”

“No, Y/N. I’ve been wanting to do this for a while” he says, fighting against your hold. Naoaki’s eyes are anything but calm, filled with a fiery determination and anger you hadn’t seen him wield before—not even when you’d spoken of the atrocities Naoya has committed against you… he’s never let his inhibitions free like this.

It’s here that you know this situation is about to go past the point of no return—and you pray this doesn’t reach the ears of the rest of the estate.

“I really thought you couldn’t get any worse, Naoya. But once again, you’ve exceeded all expectations!” he chuckles “Did you really think that my actions were the ones that pushed you away from Y/N? That I was the one that somehow poisoned her against you?”

“If not that, then what?” Naoya angrily asks. “I don’t see any other reason for her to—”

“God, enough!” Naoaki chastised, his patience running thin. “Enough with playing stupid, with being lazy! Is your mind really incapable of even considering that perhaps it’s you the one that did all this?!”

“ What? ” Naoya breathes, the weight from Naoaki’s words are only comparable to those of a delirious man, someone who doesn’t see the reality, but instead, what they desperately wish to perceive. Your husband’s indignation is evident by the deepening of the frown on his frowning face and the tightening of his grip, to the point where his knuckles were pale. “I can’t—I would—I would never do that! Why the hell would I sabotage myself?! Don’t talk about things you clearly don’t know about!”

“What is it that I don’t know about, Naoya?” he frowns “The nightmare her life has been ever since she arrived at the estate? Ever since you decided to set your eyes on her? And for what? What could possibly be your motivations behind that?”

“I haven’t done anything I… I didn’t think it was necessary.” Naoya explains with a tone that makes Naoaki scoff at the incredulity of it all. Your husband is really out there explaining his actions as if they were nothing else but essential for the greater good. How… unbelievable . “I don’t even know why I’m telling you this—”

“Oh, no. Pray tell, Naoya, enlighten me with the reason behind your actions. What could possibly be the justification behind her treatment?” Naoaki goaded, but Naoya now remains silent. 

He doesn’t know what to respond for a variety of reasons, amongst them his intolerance for being repeatedly questioned for the same thing, the indignation from your silence and disinterest from pitching in, defend him, if anything, you’re seeking Naoaki’s well being. 

All meanings that give him the sensation he’s been effectively cornered into a dead end.

Naoya is tired of having to fight in his marriage, exhausted from running behind you, trying to get you to see him and not anyone else. 

But no matter what answer he gives, nothing seems to provide him with a solution, not even when he lowered himself to entertain his brother, who was now playing the saint when he’s been nothing short of the devil itself, was able to provide him with other insights… at least, those that didn’t paint him as hideous as they did.

He never had issues with this in the past, never had to explain himself to this detail, or try more than once… that is, until you came along.

It reminds him of the times he desperately tried to get his mother’s attention, get him to at least look at him in the eye, just as she did with the rest of his siblings, or how he sought after for his father’s appreciation for his efforts, his achievements, only to be received with nothing on both accounts. Never praised for anything, for this is what he was always meant to be, the bare minimum .

“I would never hurt my wife” is what Naoya manages to muster through the entanglement in his mind. Sounding low, if not… hesitant. Had someone else seen this scene unfold before them, they would’ve thought Naoya was being… regretful…?

But Naoaki, who has seen more than his fair share of manipulation, deceit, and most of all, pain through his family’s own volition, doesn’t fall for his alleged smokescreen, and only motivates him to further release his anger. 

“Why?” he asks. “What makes you think you would never hurt her? Are you also that perfect?”

“Because—Because I—” Naoya stammers, voice faltering as his eyes look away from his, and onto yours, as if looking for support, or perhaps… a reason.

“Because you love her?”

The heir’s eyes widen at the same time your heart sinks to your stomach, draining all the color of your skin as his words begin to settle into your mind.

It’s a statement that neither envisioned hearing in this circumstance, or at all.

With Naoya never imagining he’d hear them coming from Naoaki’s mouth, and you… well, the emotion seemed so removed from him, you thought it impossible within his capabilities.

A barrage of sentiments seems to attack Naoya, starting from shame, to vulnerability. He didn’t want to bring out his feelings like this, ever , and certainly not before his brother… 

It’s not the first time he’s felt this way, a common occurrence inside the intolerant viper’s den of the Zen’in clan, and not the last time he’s sought to hide his emotions, seeking someone to console him, someone to understand him—and he thinks you would be able to—after all, it’s his feelings for you .

However, when he sees that your eyes, far from being those of an empathetic person, are widened in fear and surprise, nothing if not a familiar sight thanks to the dismissive ways of his family, and Naoya can’t help but feel further embarrassed— ashamed .

His reaction doesn’t escape Naoaki’s eye, who upon realizing this was to be Naoya’s silent admission, can’t help but feel guilty for the way he put him on the spot, as well as what it meant for this marriage.

“Oh, so you… you do have feelings for her…” Naoaki murmurs, and his words feel like a slap across your face when Naoya does nothing to deny them, or the prospect that he might’ve not married you out of economical benefit, or political gain, but rather… personal interest. 

And far from filling you with interest, or perhaps even admiration, it basks you with disgust .

“That—that can’t be true” you breathe, still holding tight to Naoaki’s arm as if your life depended on it—and with all that happened throughout your stay here, were you wrong to assume that? “No… that’s— that’s impossible ”

Naoya looks at you, eyes saddened by your continuous rejection, as if he were asking you to stop… but you simply look away, hurting him once more.

He was used to the pain at this point. To the pain of Naoaki continuously drilling him, landing hit after hit on spots that were sensible to him, providing him a harsh reflection of his reality as the heir and your husband, and leaving him moribund. 

Even when it was your turn to attack him with your skeptical reactions, open rejections, and imposed distance, Naoya thought he’d managed to escape this battle—anything but dead. These were to be nothing more than beatings that would definitely leave him in a critical state, but he’d still be alive.

But it’s not until you land the last hit, a critical attack on his heart that makes him think that maybe not surviving this battle was the best outcome yet.

“It’s—it’s like you said, Naoaki— Naoya doesn't… can’t care for me … because he doesn’t care for anyone but himself.”

Naoya doesn’t remember much of what happened after the conversation., except that at one point he made way back to his room, and fell asleep—or so he assumes for having woken up laying in his bed, eyes slowly opening, and eventually welcomed by the familiar sight of the wooden ceiling and the deafening silence of the night.

By this point, not an uncommon occurrence. There have been lots of moments where he doesn’t remember what happened throughout certain points of the day, more than he’d like to admit, his activities quickly becoming nothing but a blur, purposelessly eating, training, sleeping, and repeating the same the day after. 

If someone were to ask him how his day went, he could easily respond with a simple “I don’t know” and technically, he wouldn’t be lying.

Was there even anything else he should be doing at that point? Probably not, not that he can think of a purpose and not feel horrible about it immediately after.

The second thing he notices from there is the irritating dryness in his mouth and throat, as well as the tenuous throbbing in his head, all symptoms of a terrible rest. 

It's been a while since he's suffered such aches, for Naoya has always been meticulous when taking care of his health—the last time he recounts feeling like this was when a nasty sprout of sickness infected various members of the staff, taking him alongside their perilous journey, but even then… it was nothing but a short-lived divergence, and he’d be back on his feet soon after.

Setting aside the slight annoyance this memory brings him, Naoya decides to act on his disturbance pushing himself up from the futon, careful to not worsen his headache, with the intention of heading towards the kitchen and grabbing a glass of water.

After standing to full height, he fixes his disheveled hair by threading his fingers through his black and golden locks, before straightening his clothes—he notices he hadn’t changed from his outerwear, making a mental note to do so after returning—and eventually departs his room, into the hallways.

The night is eerily silent, more than what’s accustomed inside the Zen’in estate. There's no noise coming from the garden's ponds, no wind howling against the leaves, or even crickets chirping. 

There is nothing to accompany him outside of his footsteps and thoughts, who were currently reflecting on the oddity of this succession and how uncomfortable it managed to make him, as well as the urgency to alleviating his throat, but would not ponder on it any further than it being “his fate” .

Yet, his calmness wouldn't last long past a few steps ahead, continuing to walk through the long hallways of the living quarters when he suddenly hears a noise seemingly coming from around the corner. Like steps against the wooden floor, something… moving.

On any other occasion, Naoya would’ve thought of it to be nothing more than a lurking servant doing what they’re being paid to do, or a sleepless relative even. However, because his mind was already in such a delicate state, this momentum takes him back to the night he inadvertently bumped into his father when searching for you.

The mere thought of encountering Naobito is enough to send his heart racing, temporarily faltering his steps as he awaits for either a rejection of his fear, or a confirmation. He hopes it isn’t the latter, for this was the last thing he needed to deal with on his night.

Luckily for him, seconds would pass and the culprit was yet to reveal itself, taking his mind to assume it was never his father to begin with. Or anyone else, maybe a noise from nature, something he could handle.

That is, until a repetition came to debunk his theories—this time much louder, and accompanied by a softer noise he quickly discerned as a murmur.

"..d..'t….y…s…t…a"

It’s a voice, that much he can figure, a female voice. But he can’t pinpoint its origin unless he takes a closer step to the nearby chambers and carefully dissects it.

"Y…k…th…t…e" 

He squints his eyes, it’s another voice this time, hinting a conversation between two… yet, he’s unable to decipher what they’re saying. A shocking assertion, considering the walls of his home were renown for being paper thin… so, why is he having such trouble now?

Fortunately for him, his anger would be a short-lived one for the rest of his discoveries become clear when another noise comes through, this time loud and clear.

Unfortunately, it’s a discovery that would soon turn sour once realizing the unusual noises came from the door he’d never bothered to acknowledge in the past, except from selected accounts, but after all that has occurred these past few weeks, it had become nothing but a vivid reminder of his misfortune.

Naoya feels his chest begin to constrict the longer he stays outside the bedroom thanks to the sudden sentiments of intrusion and danger filling his senses—it’s as if his subconscious was telling him to walk away while he still could, avoiding overstepping the privacy of two inhabitants… or something worse .

Your husband seems to vacillate on his decision, debating whether to stay or not—satisfy his curiosity or tend to his health… but the decision is made for him the moment he hears another noise coming yet again the other side of the door, a soft giggle he immediately recognizes, one that stops his heart for a quick second, and convinces him to stay—sweaty palms, and heart rapidly beating, as his anxiety goes through the roof.

Naoya takes one step closer, carefully placing his ear against the wall and listening…

"I think you're perfect" A male voice claims, with no trace of hesitance or deviousness behind their saccharine words. Nothing else to be found but warmth and honesty behind that sentence, that much Naoya is surprisingly able to distinguish.

"...You must be the only one" the other murmurs, a low whisper filled with genuine skepticism and hesitation, a contrasting difference from the other, and not an attempt of baiting sympathy. "I never seem to be to anyone's liking. I've even been told that my steps are too brutish, undesirable of a woman of my position, or a woman at all"

A chuckle bubbles past the first person's lips, but far from being that of amusement, it was of disbelief, irony, for having heard perhaps the most ludicrous observation they’ve ever heard in their life. Naoya’s as well—unaware that these statements were even a thing.

"My family truly is crazy" He says, sighing. "I, on the other hand, love your cute little... brutish footsteps, it lets me know whenever you're near"

Naoya was holding onto the last moment that maybe, just maybe , the people talking weren’t the ones he was imagining. That maybe it was someone else harboring inside the bedroom, instead of its owner.

But these words were nothing if not the definite sentencing of his worst fears, hopes shattered as he finally admits the truth.

The ones talking were Naoaki… and you.

"I don't—" you fret, more than ready to refute his statement, when your mind is suddenly inundated with your doubt, making you go silent, as if considering the veracity from your in-law’s scrutiny. 

If it meant something, Naoya never thought your footsteps were “brutish”, a word he immediately recognized from his aunt Junko’s vocabulary, but he is able to recognize them either way. In fact, he can recognize you anywhere … and who wouldn’t?

“Or... do I?"

"Of course not." Naoaki says, and Naoya swears to hear him do that disgusting smile of his. “I wouldn’t be surprised if they just want to pick on you. Wouldn’t be the first time I’ve seen it happen, either however, none of that matters, because…”

There’s silence for a brief moment, before the wooden floor creaks—someone has moved, but who? Where? And to do what exactly?

“Didn't I tell you already? You're perfect, beautiful ."

"Stop it... you're just saying that to fluster me." you respond, there is a shyness in your tone that Naoya imagines was accompanied by a pout, or maybe even redirecting your gaze anywhere else but on his brother out of shyness. If it were him on the receiving end, he’d think of you as cute. "...don't tease me."

"I'm not." He insists, doubling down. "I mean it."

"You always say that." you remind him with a whine. Naoya now definitely knows you to be pouting , and it fills him with jealousy… alongside pain. "...Before you laugh it off."

"I know, I know." Naoaki chuckles. "But... I mean it, this time I really do—I adore every single little thing from you. Like your shiny, soft hair, how it calms me when I thread my fingers through it... 

Your big round eyes, I feel like I could get lost on them for hours, and I don't think I would mind. 

Your lips, how you smile, how you frown… it's the most beautiful sight I have ever seen—sometimes I wish that's all I could see, instead of this awful place."

Naoya hears another light shuffle, as if fabric against fabric—as if something, or someone, was moving closer to someone else. Touching someone else.

"I love your kindness, how you always infect others with your happiness. How you make anyone feel at ease when you're around… you always know the right words to say, the right things to do… I still can't believe I was fortunate enough to meet you in this life."

Silence.

"I love everything about you, from the top of your head to the tip of your toes. How small… adorable, you are. How warm you feel whenever I embrace you… and how your face brightens when I see you."

And then, a soft but sharp inhale— from your part.

"And... of course, here" he teases, Naoya hears a smirk on his face.

You yelp.

"Na—Naoaki... don't—" he chuckles.

"Here too" he says, releasing another whimper from you. "And here"

"St—Stop—! Nao..." your voice is muffled this time, as if you were trying to shrink, diminish your noises.

"Don't cover your mouth, my little bird... I want to hear your lovely voice"

"Some... Someone might hear us...." you whimper, and Naoya can't help but visualize something that makes him nauseous with agony. “Nh— nnahh !”

“Let them” he murmurs “It’s nothing they haven’t thought of before anyways…”

“Don’t—Don’t say that…!” you whine back, but no genuine intentions of stopping were heard.

“Why don’t you lay down, princess? I’m sure that way you’ll be far more comfortable” Naoya hears something he presumes to be a kiss against skin, and his vision darkness, the room seemingly spinning around him as he continues to hear. “I wish you could see how beautiful you blossom underneath me, my love...”

“Nao.... Naoaki” You release a tense whimper, before it switches into a heated moan “I’m—!” 

“Has my brother ever treated you like this?” He suddenly asks, and Naoya freezes, ears perking at his mention. “Has he ever made you cum?”

You don’t want to say anything, nor do you feel capable of, but you still manage to do so, although not with words.

There’s a desperation behind your moans when Naoaki decides to keep teasing you instead of bringing the release you seek. You whine, as if trying to tell him to stop and give you what you need, but he won't concede, not yet.

“I won’t let you come unless you tell me, beautiful” He warns, another chuckle before he groans. Naoaki seems to be adjusting something judging by his labored breath, whatever that might be, and Naoya is at edge just by imagining it. “You know I don’t like seeing you like this, baby, I want to see you cum... feel you tighten around me, so deliciously , like you’ve always done for me...”

The mention of past encounters administers a high dose of adrenaline, sufficient to heighten his senses and to snap him into action, moving his ear away from the wall and grasp the edge of the shoji .

He then slams the door open, consequently rattling the intertwined couple before him and pulling their gazes on the shaken image of the Zen’in heir standing by the frame.

His eyes were strained, red, jaw tense and forehead drenched in sweat as he continued to stare at them. His hands are painfully clenched to the point where his knuckles have gone white, if he wasn’t bleeding at that point, all while breathing heavily to the limit one would think he was going into hyperventilation.

Naoya was already imagining the worst possible scenario happening between his brother and wife, but no amount of anticipation or delirium could've prepared him for what received him— for what was happening .

Naoaki was looming over you, parted lips, face reddened, and hair slightly disheveled with his kimono completely unraveled as he loomed over you, caging you underneath him with his arms, one of each side, while having pulled your legs over his hips and resting them there.

And you... you were no different from him. Your hair was let down, resting disorderly on the pillow underneath. Your kimono disrupted as well, revealing your chest to the cold wind of the night, obi discarded to the side, revealing your soft abdomen. His eyes unwittingly followed the curvature of your body, down to your hips, where he was able to see that your mound connected with Naoaki’s—

The sight pushes Naoya into another fiery frenzy, consumed with rage and agony for your betrayal, but most of all, and very deep within him… sadness.

He needs this to stop, and stop it now .

“Get—Get away from her!” Naoya screams, but as much as his voice was loud and demanding, reflecting how he desired this madness to cease, it was to be nothing more than an empty threat, a dog with no bark, for he stood there, petrified at the heart-wrenching sight of his wife being worshiped by another man—a contrast of his intentions.

He wanted to move, he wanted to separate them, but even with the influx of emotions he was going through, he… he just couldn't.

Why couldn't he move? Why couldn't he do anything else but… scream and tremble?

Having undergone a similar confrontational ordeal before, and not willing to wait if his brother was going to attack or not, Naoaki is quick to hide you away from his brother’s gaze, moving away from you and standing between the two, protecting you.

“How—hOW DARE YOU!!” The youngest of the siblings screams yet again, offended by Naoaki’s action—as if he were your husband, as if he wasn’t in the wrong here.

The sacrilegious act against his marriage, alongside their shock, is enough for him to finally move closer to you, perhaps hoping that the abrupt movement would be intimidating enough to get what he wanted —get you away from him, once and for all— a minimal tactic that always worked with his previous victims. "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM HER!!"

But not this time, if anything, it just pushes the couple closer to each other, with your flustered and fearful body desperately clinging to him, and Naoaki unmoving, protective, and angrier. 

"What the hell are you doing here at this hour of the night?" Naoaki asks, vicious eyes on his brother, as he continues to stand between the two. A question that does nothing to calm Naoya's anger, if anything, it fuels him more.

"Are you fucking serious right now, Naoaki?" He spats “Is this all you have to say after I found you with my wife?!

Silence. But what did Naoya expect? They were caught in the act, there is no justification that could save them now.

"At least have the fucking decency to tell me why are you doing this" Naoya groans. He doesn’t know where the words come from, certainly not from the extensive list of things he wanted to tell him, but it’s the first that comes out of his mouth. 

Unbeknownst to him, it was all the work of his subconscious. The one that finally permitted his conscience to take the risk of confronting his tormentor and ask why he’s taking away the one thing he cherished the most. The only person he’s ever wanted to be with.

He could have anything else—money? Sure, he’ll write up a check. A new car? He just needs to send the model. He already has his job… maybe a recommendation?

He could literally have anything else , and yet, he set his sights on you. The one thing he’s not willing to give away… you, his wife. You’re the one thing he doesn’t want to lose. Not like this, not to him…

"Why… Why are you doing this, brother?" He repeats, no, pleads , again. Eyes unwittingly softening, moving to his; Cornered to voice out loud what has been plaguing him since the moment he saw you with Naoaki for the first time. "Why are you taking away my wife?"

"Brother?" Naoaki asks, baffled, as he’d been attacked with the most heinous insult. " Now you remember we’re family?”

Silence.

"What are you going to say next…? That you do love Y/N?" 

At the second exposure of this vulnerable topic for him, Naoya can't stop himself from looking down to the ground, embarrassed, before darting up to seek your eyes, as if hoping to see your reaction, a different one from the fright you presented back then…  perhaps… acceptance.

After you've seen how affected he is, how hurt he is by your relationship with his brother… wouldn’t that cause at least a bit of sympathy from you? Wasn’t that enough evidence that he cared…? That he meant what he did… by giving you those gifts? A home? 

But if he thought that your shock was excruciating, his heart sank to his stomach when he saw your lips twist into a mocking smile, completely undermining what your ridicule would feel like. 

It’s a harrowing sensation that pulls him into a pit of darkness, his deepest fears conceptualizing before him, and yet, that was to be nothing compared to what transpired next.

"Love me ? Naoya?” You sneer, a chuckle accompanying your words. It's a noise he has never, ever heard coming from you in his life… nor thought you capable of. 

He knew you as kind, fun, friendly—and so did everyone else in the estate. But this side of you… it’s not what Ranta would tell him he saw, what he’d hear across the hallways, or the person he met many years ago at his school’s exchange event.

This isn’t you, and for the first time in his marriage… he slowly begins to consider that maybe… just maybe, he doesn’t know you at all.

"Don't be silly, Naoaki. A monster like Naoya could never love anyone, let alone be loved by anyone” you sneer.

"Just had to be sure" Naoaki shrugs. "After all, you saw how he freaked out when we asked him, he was too scared to say anything, so he just ran away!"

The two laugh, a sound so disgusting, he’d rather die than to ever hear it again.

"Aww, poor Naoya… did he really think anything else would happen with this marriage?" You tease, and this question makes his blood run cold. “That he’d be able to compete against you, Naoaki?”

"Wh—what?" Naoya stammers, voice breaking as his throat suddenly runs dry—or dryer.

"Did you really think that your fancy title and your riches would be enough to impress me?" You snickered. "There's more than that, you know, more than you could ever imagine that could grab my attention."

"I don't—I don't understand, Y/N…"

"Of course you don't," you grin, placing your hand over Naoaki's shoulder and gently gesturing him to turn around, which he obliges to, you smile at him. "Your dear brother wouldn't understand what it is to be a real man, someone that can please a woman, like you do, hmm?"

"He's just a kid, Y/N. Don't be so harsh on my little brother" Naoaki places his hands over your waist and pulls you closer, smirking. This action forces you to open your legs, raising them and straddle him, before resting your weight on his lap and wrapping your arms around his neck.

"Oh, I just can't help it!" You whine. "The look on his face after we returned home was so… how do I say it… pathetic! And the way he hid the following days? What would you have done?"

Naoya's lip trembles as tears begin to pool in his eyes. Heart shattering more and more the longer he continued to hear you berate him and his attempt to connect with you. 

Is this… what you really thought of him? Of what you thought of all of his attempts to connect with you? 

"There's a reason why Naoaki was given all of your missions once you failed your exam, Naoya" you continue, dark eyes now looking at him as you lead him down a path he desperately wanted to avoid.

"It's because he doesn't fail. You were given the title of heir because you had somewhat of a better technique, but even then, it doesn't compare to his hard work. To his diligence and commitment. The moment you stumble, the moment you make a mistake… Naoaki will take your place.

How did it feel to know your family didn’t hesitate to replace you? How does it feel to always be on edge, because you know deep inside, you’re never going to be good enough?

How did I feel that even I replaced you, with a much better man?”

“Don’t—Don’t say that” Naoya attempts to interject, pleads you to stop, in a low, soft voice that is only comparable to a child who has met heartbreak for the first time. 

His vision is blurry, making it impossible to see the look on your face, but he can still muster the painful image that awaits him. 

Naoya, growing more desperate, more defeated, pleads once more for your mercy. “Please… don’t say that. I don’t—I don’t want to hear that, I can’t—not—not from you.”

But his request only erupts another set of laughter from the two, which makes him feel smaller, more idiotic , than he already is.

An experience he’s luckily escaped from thanks to his harsh treatment of others, pushing others down so he wouldn’t feel like the worst, or alone, even.

It was a solution that served him well, until he found another, one in the shape of your companionship.

Something that promised to end his loneliness once and for all, until he realized that wasn’t to happen.

It’s not that you weren’t capable of being attentive, or considerate for others, like Naoya has grown to comprehend that his family wouldn’t do.

You just didn't want to do that with him.

Someone else had won your heart—now belonging to his brother, of all people. Just another thing that his clan would take from him.

Or perhaps, he never had you—he just didn’t see it until now.

A lesson he’s about to learn, and never forget.

“Now, if you don’t mind—we were in the middle of something” Naoaki says, and Naoya understood that his nightmare was just beginning.

Your husband couldn’t peel his eyes away from the two as Naoaki proceeds to embrace you tighter onto him, locking you in place, to which you proactively reacted to, pulling him closer while giving him the loving glances he’s always dreamed of getting from you… before your lips trail down to his mouth,  connecting with his.

Naoya heaves at the sight, ears ringing when he hears you moan against his mouth as your lips moved against his—his heart is being ripped apart, his body burning alive when he continues to see you exchanging your love with his brother, with Naoaki doing the same if not more, his hands roaming over your body as if trying to claim every inch of your skin, you instinctively moving your hips long his lap, urgently seeking to take things to the next level, evident by the eagerness in your body and voice.

Before Naoaki’s half-lidded eyes moved to the side, glancing at him… 

His brother gives him a smirk that petrifies Naoya, slowly opening your mouth and allowing your tongue to intertwine with his, you moaning while attempting to pull him back to you, as if having noticed his distraction.

A sardonic sight that screams:

“Look at me, Naoya—look at me. Look at what I’ve finally taken from you.”

“Stop it” Naoya whimpers, but instead of responding to him, Naoaki seems to guide you down a more heated road by abruptly prying open the fabric confines of your chest.

“Stop it” he repeats, but nothing changes asides from you now peeling away from Naoaki, eyes half-closed, seemingly intoxicated by Naoaki’s ministrations as you gently ask him to lay back on the bed, to which he obliges with another cocky smirk Naoya knows is all but directed to him, to pry his wound ever further—effectively working when he sees the nimble work of your hands when completely stripping Naoaki of his clothes. “Ple—please, stop it—”

You sigh, hands roaming Naoaki’s chest for a quick moment before going up to his neck, grasping the back of it as you you bend down to kiss him, eventually proceeding to discard whatever’s left of your own clothes—the two now completely bare for Naoya to see, a debauched sight that signifies their indifference for his presence, yet… it’s not what hurts him the most.

What burns him is the uncharacteristic softness in your gestures towards his brother, the way you carefully grasp his hands, pepper his face with kisses, softly moan his name… that’s what makes his heart twinge out of pain, making his vision go dark, not that it mattered for it was completely blurry thanks for the tears pooling in his eyes; another reason that pushes into making a more decisive attempt to stop the two.

“St—stop that, Y/N—!” Naoya commands, tensing his grip as he starts to move closer to the two “Don’t you dare make another—”

“Or what, Naoya?” It's now you looking at him, With a devious look on your face that calls out his bluff. .“What will you do, my dear husband ?”

He has no power—that much he realizes now. You’re not afraid, and if you were, you no longer cared.

Not when it’s been proved… he’s lost everything, and you… you had everything.

For the first time in his life, the intimidating, “always has something to say” Naoya has run out of words to say, of tools to employ, or fears to exploit.

There’s nothing left for him to do, except watch how his brother and wife continue to deride him.

From this point forward you and Naoaki completely dive into each other’s presence and proceed as if Naoya wasn’t there anymore—the groans and moans he was listening to at this moment becoming louder and more guttural, just as their actions. 

His cheeks are now soaked with tears as he watches you call Naoaki’s name, heatedly, desperately, like a mantra as you begin to grind against him, your core rubbing his hard length by each stroke, tasting his girth, savoring how hot it feels whenever it brushes your lips while dampening it, preparing yourself and him for what’s inevitable. 

Naoaki, on the other hand, isn’t able to control his eagerness either, placing his hand on your hips and guiding your motions, harsher, faster, groaning your name over and over again whenever you rub him in just the right spot, but stopping you just before he reaches climax, after all, there’s a much better place he’d rather finish, deep inside you, wrapped in your tight, warm walls that only his fingers have experienced.

Your hands then fall down onto Naoaki’s, sweetly intertwining them together before pulling them up to your chest, where he’d understand your longing and begin to fondle them, savoring their soft skin, their warmth, how they perfectly fit in his hands as he gently and twisted your sensitive buds, filling your senses with just him—you needed, wanted him to drown you in pleasure, in his scent, his hands, you needed him everywhere, to the point that’s all you could think of, and nothing else .

“Naoaki— please ” you moan, holding tight onto his wrist once his affections grew too much for you to handle—yet, you wouldn’t want it any other way. “I need you, I need you , baby…. I need you , I need you here, inside me, deep, deep inside me…”

“Come on, princess… raise your hips” Naoaki orders, and you oblige almost immediately, with your right hand moving underneath your body, grasping his hard cock and aligning to your entrance.

Your husband doesn’t need to inquire any further to understand what’s about to happen—a realization that fills him with a sense of indecency, pain, and fuel to cry out for salvation once more, one desperate last time .

“Stop it” he murmurs, voice breaking that he might have not been heard at all. “Stop. Stop it. Please, Y/N…. stop it”

But once again, neither of the lovers care to listen, not even a glance, not even a verbal acknowledgement… just a loud moan of pleasure once you finally take Naoaki’s length inside you, arching your back as it fills you all the way to the brim. 

“Oh my gh—nngh!” Your groan, eyes rolling to the back of your head as you try to process the way Naoaki’s cock stretches you. His brother is hissing, his hands tight on your hips, keeping you in place as you try to squirm against his hold, evidently overwhelmed by the pleasure of his size. “Naoaki—Naoaki, you’re too—you’re too bi— nnaahhg”

“Take it—take all of it Y/N ” he groans, clenching his teeth as he tries his best to not fuck you on the spot ; your walls are squeezing the life out of him, like they’re trying to cut his dick off—yet, there’s nowhere else he’d rather be. He’d murder anyone that tried to take him away from you. “I know you can take it, princess, come on… just a bit more ”

Naoya should’ve seen this coming. He should’ve known that what the doctor warned him about was nothing but a promotion of the future of his marriage.

He should’ve known not to trust his family, not to trust that his brother would keep his hands away from you, and keep you hidden from the world… Yet, Naoya was foolish enough to think that after all he’s done against them, the constant humiliations, insults, alongside the title he held and the power it represented, would be enough to fend them off. Or at least terrorize you away from them.

But it didn’t. None of it did, and now, he was facing the consequences.

…

Why did he believe that you’d be the exception? That you’d be the one to understand him? Stay by his side?

Because of the day he met you, that’s why; the loving girl he met back then… convinced him that she cared about him… or could care.

But that woman is long gone, away from his grasp, from his life… solely existing for everyone else, but him, diving deeper and deeper into the unholy pleasures of adultery.

“Naoaki— Naoaki…! ” you mewled, heavy breaths as you begin to move against him, thrust your hips against his cock, skin slapping agaisn’t skin—a noise so repugnant, it makes him want to vomit. “Naoaki—I—I…!”

But not as atrocious as the words that followed next.

“ I— I love you! ”

“STOP IT!” Reaching past his breaking point, Naoya finally snaps out of his trance as he rushes over to the two, placing his hand over your arm and harshly pulling you away from Naoaki. He senses a bit of resistance from you, as well as an instinctive desire to return to him, which he immediately squanders by infuriatingly keeping you away. “I TOLD YOU TO STOP! STOP IT!! WHY AREN’T YOU LISTENING, Y/N?! OBEY ME!! AS YOUR HUSBAND, YOU MUST OBEY ME!!”

He honestly didn’t know what to expect from his desperate attempt—Maybe to show just how serious he was in his rejection? Hope for the miracle that you’d come to your senses and put a halt to this madness?

Well, it doesn’t matter what he wants at this point, because all that his eyes see when they land on your flushed face is completely different from all things his mind could imagine—it’s nothing but the epitome of discontent, amusement, a wide smile on your lips as you begin to laugh.

Naoya’s eyes widen at the unwanted, distasteful response, heart agitated as he tries to make sense of your reaction—but his mind can’t muster anything outside of a bucketful of ice falling on his shoulders, a direct insult to him and his emotions, that only spiral when Naoaki’s voice joins soon after, as if highlighting his own stupidity.

“What—what are you—what are you laughing about?” Naoya falters, continuing to hold you by the arm as he rattles you, his eyes darting from your face to his brother. Like a cornered animal, he attempts to scurry his way out of this terrible, terrible predicament… but he finds there’s nowhere to run. “Why—why are you doing this? Stop it, I don’t like it, please , I beg you , stop it—!”

He pleads, to no avail. There’s no response to his prayers, at least not one that will console him; their combined laughter deafening to his ears, echoing in his mind to the point that’s all he can hear. 

You and Naoaki’s voice serve as an omen, a dreadful one that serves to set his fate in stone. The inevitable end of his marriage.

“Y/N…! St—Stop it. Stop it. Please, make it stop please, don't’ laugh, please, please, please, please pleasepleaseplease” He begs, now thrasher attling you, but you still don’t listen, you don’t stop. This pushes his desperation to the next level, tightening his throat as his ears begin to ring, the room spinning around him, and darkness his sight. “Y/N I beg you, please, please, don’t do this to me— not you, not you too, don’t hurt me too—”

As his requests continue to fall on deaf ears, his pain completely overwhelms his senses. Making him releases you from his grasp and seek some kind of comfort by crouching to the floor and tightly clasping his hands over his ears, attempting to quiet down the nightmarish chant of your jest—an action that proves futile for their voices were now imprinted deep in his conscience, overwriting his every thought, every memory, reminding him of the failure he’s become—

No, the unwanted failure he’s always been.

“Lea—leave me alone…” he pleads, holding his head tighter. Screaming when it doesn’t cease. “Stop it. Stop it.. Stop. Stop. STOP STOP STOP PLEASE STOP LEAVE ME ALONE LEAVE ME ALONE STOP!!!”

He gasps, eyes snapping wide open and onto the darkness around him, chest rapidly heaving up and down, his breath anything but calm, as if he were trying to get all the oxygen in the room into his lungs as quickly as possible.

Naoya’s mind is frantic, unable to identify where he is—outside of laying on the floor with his vision darkened and heated, attempting to adjust itself to the environment, while his body is soaked with sweat, hair stuck to the side of his face, and heart pounding so loudly against its confines, he thinks he might suffer a heart attack soon.

He quickly lifts himself up from the bed, thinking this to be some kind of dangerous place to be in due to its unrecognized status, a hostage situation even… until the familiar sight of his closet comes into view, managing to calm him down just a few levels when realizing it was his bedroom.

The heir exhales, slightly comforting himself with the fact that he was safe, in his home— he was suspended, after all, where else would he be?

But why did he wake up so agitated? What was going on seconds before that had him like this?

He ponders about the mystery for a few seconds, trying his hardest to recollect his memories, eventually coming crashing back to him—the images, the noises, the feelings , they were all caused by one thing he hasn’t suffered since he was a child… 

A nightmare.

All that he imagined, all that he felt, all that he thought he heard regarding you and his brother… was nothing more than a dream , conveyed from his most inner insecurities.

A situation he never, ever wanted to face in his life—but was finally brought up after many days of adversities.

It took him a while for his heart to calm down, enough for him to think somewhat clearly, but the dryness of his throat, the headache from back then, and the aftermath of this dreadful hallucination remained.

There’s hesitation in his mind when it comes to deciding whether or not to leave the room and deal with his pains— fear of backtracking the introduction of his nightmare briefly convinces him to not do so, but when he finds comfort in the fact that it was just that, a nightmare… something that wasn’t true,  just a figment of his imagination, and nothing that would actually happen, for now… he eventually concedes.

After regaining his strength, Naoya pushed himself off the futon, straightened his clothes, fixed his hair, and began to head towards the kitchen. 

No matter the occasions, the estate’s hallways were always quiet, unfortunately, not something Naoya considered a positive aspect. He never found peace in the fact that he could hear everything occur as soon as it did, thanks to the paper thin walls which his home was constructed in… his nightmare reminding him.

But it wasn’t all that bad, thanks to this peculiarity, he’s been able to avoid his father’s gaze, always present due to his inability to sleep unless drunk beyond belief; as well as the noisy staff whom he already found irritating during the day…

Either way, those were one of the many things that made the Zen’in estate what it is,  so Naoya accepts them as he continues walking through the corridors, past silent bedrooms of seemingly resting inhabitants while keeping his eyes on the floor, perhaps an attempt to keep his mind occupied on anything else but what he imagined…

Proving to be somewhat of an effective method, until his eyes unwittingly lift his gaze to the nearby doors upon sensing their familiarity. An area that he’s definitely seen before, but has kept distance as of lately, even if his mind often finds itself visiting it throughout the day.

Your room .

The aftertaste of his nightmare still remains in his mind, as much as he’d tried to push its imagery away.

Any other day in a better state of mind, he simply would’ve pushed these feelings deeper into the back of his mind, called them stupid, and moved on.

But since he’d been in such a horrible state, both physically and mentally, enough to disrupt his sleep in such a drastic way… Naoya can’t stop himself from doubting his discernment, slowly harboring the necessity of… verifying he hadn’t made up everything.

In other words, check if it had indeed been a dream… or a reality.

Once again, something deep inside him tells him to stop—that he shouldn’t go down this rabbit hole, less he’s prepared to face the worst of possibilities. 

But at the same time, another side of him tells him that he must go forward. That he must seek the truth…

Naoya was always the kind or person to see things through, and this situation would be no different—if anything, it should be of utmost importance, for it involved you, his wife, his marriage.

Holding his breath, Naoya decides to walk over to your door, carefully placing his fingers by the edge of the door and sliding it open—simply intending to take a quick look inside and see if you were resting on your bed at this late hour, alone … 

Naoya won’t say that he hasn’t planned on seeking you like this in the past, hoping to relieve his marriage when it was still just the two… but after seeing his brother leave your room that awful night, he discarded the idea completely. 

It was pathetic to admit the following, but that effectively scared him from trying again, and he doesn’t know why. Perhaps because he feared you’d reject him again, or because he didn’t want to confront his brother back then.

Naoya shakes the thought of that night out of his head before it spiraled any further; there was no time for that, for reopening old wounds. He needed to keep his mind clear and focused, prepared… for what’s to come.

Once the slit of your door was wide enough for him to peek inside, he proceeds.

His vision doesn’t take much to adjust to the darkness of your room, for there isn’t much to begin with, thanks to the moonlight, as well as being previously accustomed thanks to the dimness of the hallways.

His eyes then fall onto your futon, attempting to make the outline of your body on it, figuring out how you were resting, either by your side, looking to the left, or the right, or on your back…

But the long he stared, he’s unable to distinguish your body, and desperation began to take hold of his mind… leading him to the bloodcurdling revelation that you were not there .

The hopes he had of his nightmare being nothing more than a fabrication of his insecurities shattered in an instant, making him gasp for air—he tries to stop his mind from going any further, from completing that thought… but his will could only be so strong before the obvious.

He immediately slams the door close before making his way towards the next destination he awfully presumes you to be.

Naoya doesn’t care if he wakes someone up with his rushed footsteps, not even his father who was known to be an absolute terror when woken abruptly, for he could only focus on finding you as quickly as possible and preventing, if not stopping, sacrilege from being inflicted in his union. 

With exceptional speed, he eventually arrives at the damned bedroom that haunted his thoughts: Naoaki’s bedroom.

And again, without care of perturbing the ones inside or outside, Naoya slams the shoji wide open, a noise so loud many would have assumed he’d broken the door, but miraculously, only perturbed the person that harbored inside. 

“What—what is going on…?” Naoaki groans, exhaustion clear in his tone as he slowly begins to pull himself up from the bed, intending to get a better look at the agitated figure standing by the door…  “Na— Naoya? ”

“Where is she?” The heir doesn’t bother to announce his arrival, nor apologize for his intrusion, not like he did anyways, instead going straight to the point and without hesitation—somewhat of a different approach from his dream, perhaps out of previous experience.

“Wh— what are you talking about?” Naoaki asks back, his mind dabbling in between sleep and full awareness, but capable enough of being confused.

“Y/N. Where is she?!” he insists once more, just before short-fused patience runs out. 

“How would… I know?” He murmurs, perplexed, while attempting to scare the exhaustion out of his face. “Isn’t she—what are you even—”

Naoya isn’t interested in playing 20 questions with his brother as he leaves his room in the same fashion in which he arrived—diving back into the living quarters with the sole purpose of finding out your whereabouts, and what you could possibly be doing so late at night outside of your bedroom.

He never knew you to be someone a sleepwalker of sorts, at least not when you still shared a bed with him, always finding you beside him in the morning…  

And neither did the staff members from either the ryokan or his home informed otherwise—so this sudden behavior could confidently be identified as unusual.

However, rationalizing this occurrence was doing nothing to ease his rising anxiety when he was forced to face the fact that he couldn’t find any reasonable explanation behind your disappearance without conveying a detrimental outcome, one he wished would never come true…

You’re gone.

You’ve finally escaped the estate.

You somehow managed to fool the staff, the guards, slip right underneath their noses and make your way to wherever it is that you’re heading now, most likely the nearby village, since the city is too far away to reach just by walking at this hour of the night without injuring yourself… although he presumes that with enough adrenaline, you just might.

Aside from your absence, your safety is what finally pushes Naoya to consider calling a state of emergency. Gather a squad to retrieve you, as quickly as efficiently as possible, before you do anything you might regret, and figure out just how you managed to escape. 

Naoya has no doubts that your escape was made possible thanks to the intervention of your staff, and if that were the case, then he needed to proceed accordingly.

But before that he needs to find you, and he needs to find you now . And there’s no one else he’d rather trust with this task than Ranta.

So as he quickly makes his way towards him, his mind keeps going over and over again through the many risks your escape could entail: starting by the rekindlement with your family. 

No, that can’t happen. That mustn't happen— no , you can’t find out that he actually—

THUD!

“Shh, stop it! Someone’s going to hear us!”

He halts. 

“Keep quiet! We’re going to get in trouble!”

It’s two voices, coming from the right, one soft, yet naggy , and the other shrieky. Naoya remains quiet, stealthy, awaiting for another movement…

“Shh!!” someone else hushes, and then… he finds an oddly familiar tone behind a giggle. “We have to head back before someone sees us!”

He might’ve not been the recipient of that gesture in the past, but he knows well enough to identify it appropriately.

It’s you. Your laughter .

This time it’s closer, louder, followed by quiet footsteps that indicate a certain wrongdoing behind them, as if they weren’t supposed to even be there, just as the other voices were aware of, coming closer to him.

His mind has been playing dirty tricks on him long enough for Naoya to know that he can’t just trust his ears, he needs to see it with his own two eyes.

So, Naoya runs ahead, turning just around the corner, desperate to see what’s on the other side…

And then, it’s revealed, just as he hoped—there you were, with a startled look on your face for having bumped into the last person you wanted to see in your life, alongside your staff, the cook and the seamstress, one of each side and just right behind you, wearing the same reaction as you.

Your presence finally confirmed, Naoya sighs out of relief. At least now he knows you were still here, with him, a finding that allowed him to skip over the search group he was planning to expedite, as well as the unnecessary explanations he would be undoubtedly forced to give to his father and elders immediately afterwards.

But that sentiment didn’t last long when his eyes landed on your attire,—making his anguish, which was already on a terrible standing due to your absence from your chambers and his hallucination , worsen.

Placing aside that you were still wearing your evening yukata, his interest piques on the fabric of the clothes and the blotches of dirt scattered over it—found on the bottom of your skirt, to the edges of your sleeves… and even a bit on your cheek.

From there, your hair: disheveled, not on its usual tight and clean presentation, with some strands sticking to the sides of your forehead, implying physical exertion. 

And your ladies… they were no different—if only the seamstress kept somewhat of a more presentable image, while the cook appeared to be the worse out of the three…

Another tipping point for Naoya’s already exhausting day, which doesn’t permit him to figure out a reason behind your unkempt appearance, instead, forces his mouth to take control of the situation, speaking up what he’s been dreading to know since waking up.

“Where were you?” Naoya began. “Where the hell were you doing out of your bedroom and so late at night?!”

You swallow, facing another situation you didn’t wish to happen, clearly .

Up to that point you and your staff believed you had managed to avoid everyone’s attention… until you didn’t—and considering the way he was ardently throwing daggers at you, you knew there was no possible explanation you could create to ease him off your case…

Yet, even with all these unwanted instances, the thing that intrigues you the most is the way you find him—for the second time that day, he seems… awful . Agitated; With his hair messy, his face sweaty, tight grip, and heavy breathing… he looked way worse than you did, and worse than earlier.

These were signs that any other occasion you would’ve thought to be the cause of, however, he was like that when he bumped into you… meaning that something happened beforehand which placed him in that position.

But what could’ve happened to have him like this? And… how does it correlate with you… not being in your bedroom?

Whatever the reason, you don’t wish to replicate another altercation as earlier, so you proceed to do your best to maintain the situation under control, for the safety of your staff, which you’ve already compromised in the past… and yours.

“I couldn’t sleep” is what you end up telling him—a half truth, conveyed from the fact that you were still heavily affected from the way Naoya had assaulted you and Naoaki hours prior, as well as from the shock his involuntary confession incited.

“Then— Why— then why are your and your staff’s clothes dirty?” Naoya says, an accusation that for now stemmed from his fear of you beginning to create your escape plan. Were you testing the waters? Is that the reason behind your dirtied appearance? It must be… because what else could it be? And how long were you along this plan?!

The look on his face did nothing to ease the tension between the 4, if anything, it just made matters worse.

And the twins, who remember all but vividly the grotesque threats Naoya had bestowed upon them on the day of your first health checkup, are unable to control their body from trembling—anxiously anticipating the moment they’d be forced to her a replica of those words, if not it’s completion.

You haven’t forgotten about that either. And how could you? For those memories replayed in the back of your mind whenever you felt unworthy of their care… 

It’s because of that that you’re immediately able to sense tension becoming heavier on them, and wanting to mend the wrongs you’ve allowed against them, you swallow your own fear to take a decisive stand against Naoya—taking a closer step to him as to refocus all of his attention on you, determination of etched across your features, acting as a barrier to prevent any harm done towards them.

A sight so different he’s usually received with, away from indifference, fear, hate, yet, holding the same meaning—You don’t want him there.

You’re willing to overcome your own fears for them… as long as he can keep away from you.

Another way to signify he doesn’t mean anything to you.

“We were stargazing.” you reply bluntly. “We got a bit dirty because of it, but that’s all”

“Star…gazing?” Naoya repeats slowly, baffled. An activity he certainly didn’t expect to hear coming from your mouth, and in a way, it felt as if you were lying. “Where exactly?”

But you weren’t. 

It had all been thanks to Mariya, whom had noticed your persistent agitation after today’s incident— Always the caring one, she decided to help you by offering some distraction, letting you know of a spot both her and Tatsuro had enjoyed whenever they had free time (keeping that last person out of the equation, of course, due to Hitomi’s rising suspicions). Somewhere over a roof, found by the south wing where the stars were to be available to be seen in their full splendor.

Your lady-in-waiting had also suggested Haruko and Hitomi tag along, hoping they’d be able to give you enjoyable company while she remained behind and made sure that everything remained in place. Not that she worried much, for the spot was over the laundry room and anyone rarely hung around there, even during the day, less from the men … but she still wanted to be sure.

Besides, it would also be a good way for the three to spend time together outside of mutual responsibilities, and ease their tensions—the sisters never took well to when Naoya intervened in your life, so Mariya could only imagine how they felt after hearing your small altercation with him.

Considering all of this, you have to be selective on your next words. 

You couldn’t say anything that could place Mariya, Tatsuro, Haruko, Hitomi, and their “secret place” in jeopardy, or yourself in a worse predicament—as if seeing him like this, in the middle of the night, with your staff in dirty clothes wasn’t bad enough… another reminder that you weren’t even free to do as you pleased in the place you were forced to stay in—which leads you to ready a card you never took joy in using, but considering circumstances, you had to.

“Stargazing, by the garden” you respond, his silence is unnerving, making you assume he’s wondering about your limitations and if you haven’t… broken them. “It’s still inside the places I’m permitted in.”

“How—why… I didn’t see you anywhere, where ?” Naoya doesn’t believe you.

You swallow, disappointed that it hadn’t worked. There was no way he would've known you were out, nor did you expect him to be looking for you. 

Just what was he doing out this late at night?

Either way, you’d try to be as vague as possible.

“On the roof” you respond, and the reaction you get from him is exactly as you envisioned. But not for the reasons you imagined.

“ What ?! What where—how did you get up there?!” he gasps, imagining just how this knowledge could lead you considering making an escape plan out of the estate. But most of all… how did you get this information? Who even told you of such a thing?! “Where did you even get the idea from?!”

This is where your triumph card comes into play.

“Naoaki” you say—and this effectively quiets Naoya. 

You knew he wouldn’t dare retaliate against his brother… at least, not right now, when he seemingly has no power to do so due to his current predicament, meaning it would be much harder for him to enact punishment instead of, for example, Mariya.

Feeling ashamed for having thrown him under the bus without any involvement, you make a mental note to tell him later of what you’ve done tonight, hoping to earn his forgiveness and understanding—completely unaware that Naoya’s stillness, far from frustration of his inability to enact a quick punishment, it’s from the visions that tormented him before.

If anything, it is just another example of how intertwined your life has become with his.

Feeling as if he’s starting to go around in circles, his desperation leads his mind to inundate him with a barrage of questions he doesn’t even have time to consider before they fly past his mouth—actions that to you seem as desperate attempts to find some fault in your actions, a way to punish you, but to his mind… he didn’t want to let you go just yet. Not again.

“Why did you do that? Don’t you know that’s dangerous? You could’ve gotten yourself hurt!” he breathes, but you don’t let him impress you.

“But that didn’t happen.” you respond. And there comes that sensation of belittlement, the continuous belief of his relatives that you’re incapable of doing anything without their approval beforehand… or the doubt of your capabilities.

And while you have grown tired of finding some truth behind their words, that’s a topic for another moment; you weren’t to confront him about your own issues when you know nothing would come out of it. Conversations with him were like talking to a wall, after all…

So while the situation is still manageable, you make your best to cut your interactions with him short, physically doing so by slowly starting to turn onto the direction of your room.

“It’s late Naoya—it’s better if we both get some rest. Good night.” you say, but before you were even able to take the first step away, Naoya calls for you.

“Wait!” he says, and somehow… you stop. 

Neither know why they did what they did, where Naoya would go from there, or why you reacted to him almost immediately—your case being perhaps out of being accustomed to do so. Your fear often overruling your will and subduing you into actions your survival instinct thought best…

Either way, none change their paths.

“What… is it?” you ask, eyes anywhere but on him. He notices this, and it stings him. “It’s late”

“I want to speak to you” he adds, and you frown—exhausted at this point.

“It’s late” you repeat. “Go to bed”

“Y/N, it’s just a moment—”

“Just go to bed, Naoya” you argued, no room for negotiations, and yet… you were intrigued. Why is he acting like this? Why is he so… scared? What happened?

“There’s something I need to tell you” is his last attempt, the last excuse to make you stay, but not even that is enough to make you stop as you ultimately decide to ignore him, walk past him, your staff closely behind you, slowly disappearing into the depths of the hallways and into your room.

Naoya, unable to do anything else, stands there, defeated, as he watches you completely reject him, not even bothering to glance back at him as you leave—careless if he decided to follow you at the last second… he could’ve, and you probably wouldn’t care either way.

In complete solitude of the night, Naoya finally allows himself to crumble as he falls down to his knees, head against the floor, breath quickening, and then—he cries. Releasing the tears that had been tormenting him for the longest, finally falling down his face.

He feels… alone. Desolate, in a house full of people… he’s completely alone.

He held titles that meant the world in the community he’s part of, yet, in his own home, with his own family, he’s nothing. Worthless, powerless, meaningless.

Not even you, whom he had long assumed that one day would take his side as his supporting partner had attempted to be with him, understood him .

He couldn’t even convince you to hear him out—to hear his burdens and cast aside the horrifying feelings his own mind portrayed against him, convince him he’s not worthless. And he still, foolishly, stupidly, thought he could obtain more than that.

Was there even something he could’ve done, could’ve said, to make you stay?

The admittance of his feelings, the sharing of the dreams he had with you?

The hope of one day joining your side. He doesn’t care anymore, it could be anything—hell, it could even be the activity he was reproaching you about just now. 

Because at the same time he acted judgmental of something as silly as stargazing in the middle of the night, climbing to the roof, dirtying his clothes, and messing his hair… is when he realized it’s actually something he’d like to do with you.

Naoya hoped that one day, you’d invite him to accompany you—to whatever it was, it didn’t matter, he’d want to be there either way. Besides you, feeling what it is to be cherished, have a human connection, away from being revered by his position, for the first time in his life.

Lay on the roof as the two try to make out the figures and names of the constellations, with him telling you that they all look the same, and you… you’d laugh, and tell him that he has no imagination, before attempting to help him see why they had the names they had.

Well, he guesses it doesn’t matter anymore. 

Because it’s just like you said: People like him can’t have feelings—he can’t care for anything, or anyone.

A monster like him can only have nightmares, not dreams.

[parkitaco]

“i miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain and it’s 2 am and i’m cursing your name you’re so in love that you act insane” - the way i loved you and byler!

---

Will Byers is familiar with the concept of wishing. He wishes for a lot of things- for a normal life, free of monsters that are dead-set on killing him, for some unknown reason. For a world that didn't hate him so fundamentally for so many reasons. For a reality in which he could have the things he wants - things like DnD campaigns in the Wheeler's basement and Novembers that serve as more than a reminder of what he's been through and, okay, yes, the boy he loves.

Sometimes, though, he swears that the thing he wishes for most of all is the ability to hate Mike Wheeler.

Which- sounds horrible, but Will's been called a monster his entire life and he's never denied it, so whatever. He loves Mike, and he loves loving him, but in situations like these where he's standing in the rain and they're screaming at each other, he really, really wishes he could hate him for the way he's acted. It's irrational and contradictory and a million other things, and if Will had access to, like, a magic genie lamp or something along those lines, he'd probably wish for something more sensible like for the world to stop ending or whatever, but Mike is constantly irrational and contradictory and stupid so Will thinks that maybe he deserves to be a little bit, too.

"You lied to me," Mike is saying, over and over now, not seeming to know what else to say. He's run out of words, which is rare for Mike, and Will can see the tears on his face through the spore-filled rain. "You lied, Will!"

"I know!" Will explodes, glaring at him. "I know I did, and I'm sorry, okay? But don't act like this is all on me, you are the one who couldn't tell your girlfriend of two years you loved her, and I'm almost positive that you can't blame me for that one."

"Maybe there was a reason, Will! Ever think of that?"

"Mike, I've been trying to figure out the messed-up logic of your brain for the better part of a decade. I'm sick of it, okay? Yes, it occurred to me, but you didn't tell me and I am fucking tired of having to ask."

Mike swallows, his face shifting from anger to something a little more panicked. "Will, I- it's hard, okay? I- I care about El, but I- I feel so much more- I didn't even know I could feel this much, actually, for- for someone who-"

He cuts himself off, looking overwhelmed and sad and scared in the rain, and Will wants to hold him close and brush his tears away with his fingertips and tell him it's okay, whatever it is, but feelings like that are what put them in this situation in the first place, so he holds onto his last tendrils of anger and asks, "For someone who what, Mike?"

Mike hesitates for the briefest of seconds, twitchy and panicked and unsure of himself, before he lurches forward like his body is acting independently from his brain and plants his lips on Will's.

It's not gentle or sweet or anything Will had hoped from it, and he barely has time to process, to grab Mike's waist and kiss him back firmly, anger and confusion and so, so much love swirling in his chest and getting lost somewhere between their lips, before Mike pulls away.

"I'm sorry," Mike pants, and then he's turning on his heel and storming off in the direction of the Wheeler's garage, water soaking his hair and clothes and Will can't even move because Mike is-

Mike is insane, actually, that's the only explanation. He's actually lost his mind, in maybe the same way that Will has, and Will still, inexplicably doesn't want anyone else. That's the way he loves Mike - the culmination of every emotion a human being is capable of feeling, all wrapped up and shoved into a tight ball in his chest, and still he wouldn't trade it for everything.

Will sits down on the wet pavement and lets himself cry.

[thatone-highlighter]

eheheh I always get excited when I get ask from u about AT so I wanted to send you some about SU >:] Soooo, favorite episodes ? Or scenes or plot points ?

Thanks bestie i very rarely actually have the chance ti get excited about SU

My favourite episodes of the show are Catch and Release and When It Rains. These episodes are the turning point of Peridot’s character arc. I really like it because of the look into Peridots character it has, she was always a comparatively immature but this is the first instance where she is placed into a position where she is basically defenceless, sure theres The Return where shes below Jasper but in every other situation we see her in she has some kind of power over the people around her even if its just the power to get away. So she takes any she can get. Theyre just two really nice episodes to me.

Catch and Release is about Steven letting Peridot out of her bubble and then Peridot trapping herself in his bathroom. My fav scene in the ep is when both Steven and Peridot are on the floor and he accidentally introduces her to silly fake out pranks that she doesnt quite fully understand. Its so funny and silly

When It Rains is just. A lovely episode to me. Peridot makes some very logical jumps based on the information she has access to and also develops her friendship with Steven. Him teaching her about how rain works is Such a nice scene and then her stepping out into the rain is so !

Outside of those two episodes my favourite whole arc would have to be the Steven Vs Amethyst arc. Its placed at the end of season 3 and is sprung along by Jasper running around collecting corrupted gems until eventually she comes to beach city to attack the crystal gems where she poofs Amethyst before Stevonnie poofs one of the corrupted gems and Jasper runs off back into the ocean. And after seeing Stevonnie manage to beat Jasper where she couldn’t, Amethyst starts to spiral into self doubt. She keeps comparing herself to Steven and Jasper and feeling like she can never measure up to either of them, seeing Jasper as what she could have been and Steven as someone she was supposed to be better than. Bismuth, the 100th episode and half hour introductory special to its titular character is thrown in half way through this arc, and while the focus is shifted off Amethyst in favour of Bismuth herself you can still see little bits of the episode feeding into her self doubt in the background mainly from the fact that even tho Bismuth is supposed to be one of the original crystal gems, nobody ever told her about her. The arc has two main culmination points, Steven Vs Amethyst (the episode) where Steven confronts Amethyst about her self doubt and have a fight over who out of the two of them is the worst crystal gem, the fight ends in a tie and they both confide in each-other about how hard they’re trying and their own self doubts. The second culmination point is in the penultimate episode either Beta or Earthlings where Amethyst, having dealt with her feelings of inadequacy to Steven, still wants to prove herself by taking Jasper down in a fight. Whoch doesnt exactly go well but it does result in the introduction of Steven’s first gem fusion, Smokey Quartz.

The Steven Vs Amethyst arc just has so many different moving parts that i really enjoy. Amethyst is one of my favourite characters and this arc kind of is the only time in the whole series she gets the spotlight for more than an episode at a time, there are a few here and there like On The Run, Too Far, Whats Your Problem, Reformed, to an extent Maximum Capacity and Cry For Help where Amethyst gets the focus of the episode but it never lasts very long, so of course an arc where she Does get the focus is going to be one im invested in. I love it as a dive into Amethyst’s character because at the start of the show she really doesnt have much depth that we get to see but as the show goes on you really get to see her grow up along side Steven. Compared to other humans Amethyst is pretty old, a few thousand years, but in gem terms shes basically a baby, and on top of that she has existed in such a unique way compared to every other gem because shes only ever known earth and being around humans, she doesnt have anything else to base her knowledge off and the other gems are careful to make sure she doesnt have that information influencing her, which you can really see in episodes like Too Far and Bismuth where characters who dont have such reservations tell her these things. And it kind of blinds the other gems as well, they have been trying to keep some of the realities of war and homeworld away from her so she can be happy but it means that they dont see where they still manage to effect her. For example in On The Run when Pearl just doesnt get that the way she talks about homeworld and the invasion effects Amethyst and makes her think that Pearl sees her as lesser, even if she doesn’t and that was never the intent.

I kinda got side tracked but yeah, i really like the Steven vs Amethyst arc. It goes into and highlights Amethysts flaws and self doubts and builds up and reaffirms her relationship to Steven through them both bonding over their shortcomings. It also helps that its the introduction to one of my favourite fusions and Amethyst getting poofed gives her my favourite of all her forms in the show.

I would like to just Highlight this part from Earthlings(the tail end of the arc) because its just, its so good and its just. Yeah

Amethyst: Steven, i Cant Win. No matter what i do, no matter how hard i work, she came out right and i came out wrong

Steven: Thats just what Jasper thinks, shes the only one who thinks you should be like her. Stop trying to be like Jasper, you’re nothing like Jasper. You’re like Me! Because were both not like anybody. And yeah, it sucks. But at least I’ve got you, and you’ve got me. So stop leaving me out of this

Amethyst: Us worse gems stick together, right?

Steven: Thats why we’re the best

Both Steven and Amethyst struggle with slightly different things, but theyre both close enough that they understand what the other is going through. Theyre both the younger parts of the Crystal Gems, theyve both grown up on earth around humans and neither of them went through or even really know much about the Gem War. But they also both feel like they need to live up to these expectations that nobody is really putting on them, nobody is expecting Steven to replace Rose, nobody thinks Amethyst isnt good enough or wrong because she came out smaller and later than she was supposed to. And anyone who does think that is clearly shown to be the bad guy (Homeworld gems thinking Steven Is Rose, Jasper making fun of Amethyst etc etc.). But they both place these expectations on themselves because its what they think others expect of them. Steven has spent his whole life trying to follow in Rose’s footsteps and fill the huge shoes she left behind, so he gets it when Amethyst feels like she needs to measure up to Jasper. And when shit starts going down with Rose or Steven starts getting stuck in his own head, Amethyst is there as an outside perspective, a neutral third party almost, who can step in and say ‘hey, this is messed up, do you need some help’

Im gonna shut up about Amethyst for now or we could be here a While

Uhh favourite scenes what we got.

Id say the ones ive already mentioned, Steven and Peridot on the bubble room floor in C&R, Steven showing Peri rain for the first time in When It Rains, the end of their fight in Steven Vs Amethyst, the scene where Smokey Quartz fuses for the first time in Earthlings. But outside of those ones id probably also add the scene in Lion 3: Straight to Video where lion keeps trying to suffocate steven for its comedy. peridot standing up to Yellow Diamond in Message Received, probably a bit cliche but it Is a good one. In the same vein It Could Have Been Great and Peridot talking about what earth could have been if the colonisation had succeeded. Steven Universe is an 11 minute show so most of the time favourite scene’s do go with favourite episodes and arcs but that could also just be me

Thank you so much for this bestie i got So excited i spent like 2 hours on this

[lindsayrps]

john patrick "jp" townsend, base chaplain, thirty

does jp have some level of religious trauma? probably.

jp would like to believe that the formative years of his childhood were not at all spent in a cult-like situation but, honestly, they probably were. let’s back up.

jp was born and raised in boston, massachussetts as one of several in a large family. the family home was cramped and chaotic and busy and jp just kind of went along with all of it. what else was he supposed to do?

officialy, when asked, the townsends claim they’re episcopalian when it comes to religion, abroad they’d be considered anglican but if you asked jp, in the here and now, he’d probably say they were far more aligned with catholicism than anyone ever cared to admit.

(why? fuck if he knows, man.)

a lot of jp’s childhood was spent in church or in service of the church. his mother started working at the church as a secretary and his father found work in an adjacent career. it was hard to not be indoctrinated into believing the church was the be all, end all for the way jp should live his life. as a quiet, somewhat introspective child, he didn’t question much and often just went along with what everyone else was doing and if he didn’t, it was hard to question his parents because weren’t they supposed to know what was best for him? it stressed him out with how much emphasis they'd put on this part of their lives, especially as he got older, but again, those are his parents, why would he question them?

this all culminated in his decision to go to seminary school when he’d graduated from high school and led him to berkeley divinity school in new haven, connecticut. it may have only been a handful of hours away from boston but it felt like a breath of fresh air, in a way. jp was free from his siblings, his parents and everything that life entailed in boston. in new haven, he was a little more free to be whoever he wanted to be, within reason, of course, because it wasn't as if he was going to go off the rails.

divinity school comes and goes. he spends most of the 1930s working towards becoming a chaplain instead of a priest because he’s got no desire to lead a church or spend much of his time within the walls of a church. simply put, jp put in all that work towards something he’s not even entirely sure he wants to pursue in the long term but did because he didn't know what else to do.

but then war happens and damn if he doesn’t feel the need to do something like everyone else. he already knows he’s too thin and wirey to be in the actual army, probably can’t fly a plane worth shit and being a marine just sounds like torture so the chaplain corps it is. initially, he gets sent to an auxiliary surgical group and spends much of the first year of us involvement embedded with them in italy and the mediterranean theatre.

it’s…a lot, honestly. he’s nothing more than a spiritual advisor, someone who prays with those who need it and gives last rites when he has to and, if he hates anything about what he does, he hates that. it’d be no better asking for a transfer to a base somewhere, he figures, but he does it anyways and they send him to thorpe abbotts in the spring of 1943. for a while, he’s lulled into believing things will be fine and then…well, there’s bremen. and regensburg. and munster. and he’s no better off here than there.

the war has only served to turn a crack into a chasm when it comes to the disconnect that jp feels with his religion. there can't be some divine higher power and all of it can't mean shit in the long run when people are brutalizing each other like this. he was never naive enough to believe that the world was a perfect utopia where nothing ever went wrong but come on.

for a chaplain, he's probably the exact person you want--he's quiet, introspective, a listener, a calming moment in a storm of everything else.

outside of that he's a little more complicated and more obviously it's the war of jp the person vs jp the chaplain. he'll drink and smoke at times, but avoid it at others, flirt with the ladies one day but not the next. not unexpectedly, perhaps, he's got a dark sense of humour and can dish it just as well as he takes it.

better with conversations vs small talk, has a not small collection of books with him, is probably tired 75% of the time.

man's just trying to figure out where he'll fit when this is all over and he's pretty sure it's not in the church or boston.

[randommusingsstuff]

Why Ben and Devi are Endgame (Meta)

At the heart of every rom-com, it always comes down to this: what does the protagonist truly want? 

Why Devi and Paxton Don’t Work

In the season 2 finale, Devi triumphantly says “So, I guess I'm Paxton Hall-Yoshida’s girlfriend now”. She got what she thought she wanted at the start of her journey, only it’s not what she wants anymore. 

Although Devi cares for Paxton, she views him as a status symbol. Paxton, for all his growth, still sees himself as cooler than her. And no, he was not just embarrassed because she cheated on him. Before he knew she was cheating, he invited his friends on their first date and refused to call her his girlfriend. In the finale, it once again takes someone else to point out that he shouldn’t blow her off. As Devi and Paxton walk into the dance, he gives his friends a sheepish look while they judge him. Not only does he still have lingering feelings of embarrassment, his friends’ reactions suggest turbulence ahead for their relationship. 

There is also a lack of communication between Paxton and Devi. They have a magical kiss by the window, and makeout sessions afterwards, but they don't actually talk about their relationship in that elapsed time. Devi makes the assumption that they are together and Paxton doesn’t articulate what he wants until it is forced out of him. 

What can we conclude from this? Paxton is a great character, but he is not the one for Devi. They have differing interests and goals, a lack of communication and they do not see each other for their true worth. 

Can the writers surmount all of these issues to give them an endgame? Yes, but it would require fundamentally changing who Devi and Paxton are. 

Why Devi and Ben Work

In episode 1 of season 2, Devi wants to pick Ben but her friends talk her out of it. This is crucial to understanding why they belong together: her gut instinct has already revealed the truth. She had both guys vying for her and she wanted Ben. Just by this one fact alone, we can infer that Devi’s relationship with Ben was more meaningful to her than her pursuit of Paxton in season 1.

When it’s revealed that Devi is two-timing the boys, Paxton is hurt but Ben is devastated. Paxton likes her, but Ben connected with her on a deeper emotional level. Devi follows Paxton out of the party, which is understandable because he is the one walking away. Again, this is cleverly hinting at their communication styles. Paxton wants to avoid the situation and Ben wants to talk about it. From Ben’s perspective, Paxton is the guy she has wanted for so long and he is the second choice. 

Throughout the season, Ben never considers the fact that Devi could want him over Paxton, which is equal parts sad and infuriating. Her therapist asks what she wants more than anything and she says Ben. In context, it’s a comical line, but it’s also Devi revealing her truth. Like she does at the beginning of the season, she makes a choice and it’s Ben. She pursues Ben romantically before Paxton even though Paxton is the one more willing to forgive her. 

It takes Ben longer to forgive her, and yet he is still there for her when she needs help. The little things he does like give her advice about Aneesa and make her feel better about Paxton’s rejection all show Devi’s ability to be vulnerable with Ben. 

As an aside, they had the opportunity to show Devi being vulnerable with Paxon but didn’t take it. In episode 8 of season 2, Paxton sees Devi crying and she reveals that she got into a really bad fight with Eleanor. I was thinking: here it is, here is the moment that Paxton finally helps Devi with her problems... but no. His response is “seems like you’re in a fight with lots of people” and the conversation quickly shifts to her apologizing and helping him yet again. Devi is able to open up to Ben and be supported by him in a way that she can’t with Paxton.

Before I talk about the finale, which is arguably the biggest point in Ben and Devi’s favour, I want to look at the season overall. The entire story arc is Ben and Devi wanting to be together but constantly running into roadblocks in the form of Eleanor/Fabiola, Paxton and Aneesa. It was so alarmingly obvious they belonged together after season 1, that the writers had to find ways to forcibly separate them for the time being. It’s important for Ben and Devi’s relationship that she dates Paxton first. If she had been allowed to go for Ben, they would have had to explore Devi wondering what she missed out on. When Devi and Ben do get their happy ending, it will be because Devi has realized that Paxton is not the person for her. 

In the finale of season 2, we get 3 crucial scenes from Devi and Ben. The first is the bathroom scene which reaffirms Devi’s ability to be vulnerable with Ben and his ability to support her (something she doesn’t have with Paxton). The second is their tension-filled scene at the dance where they longingly stare at each other. This directly contrasts the scene in episode 8, where Devi tries to reframe her mindset and stop seeing Ben as someone she is attracted to. Here, it becomes apparent that she is unable to stop thinking about him in a romantic way despite actively trying. 

The third scene is basically Eleanor saying “you dummy, she wanted to choose you!”. The writers intentionally reference the pros-cons scene from episode 1, re-affirming that Devi wants Ben. The only reason they are not together is because he is not an option. 

Then we get the line “it wasn’t always him”. Many Devi and Paxton fans believe her choice was Ben, but he took too long and now it’s too late. But when has it ever been too late for a main love interest in a rom-com? Mindy Kaling is a rom-com savant, and she knows as well as I do that it’s only ever “too late” for douchey guys who do not acknowledge the self-worth of the heroine. That’s not Ben though, he has always seen Devi for who she is. 

The heartbreak on Ben’s face is infinitely worse than Paxton’s voicemail at the end of season 1, although these scenes are meant to parallel each other. Devi and Paxton are two people who like each other but do not work as a long-term relationship. Ben and Devi are two people who work as a long-term relationship but never acknowledge their feelings for each other at the right time. It’s a tragedy just waiting to be rectified in season 3.

Season 3 Predictions

Now that I've given my analysis on why Devi and Ben are meant to be, here are some predictions I have on the Devi-Ben-Paxton love triangle for season 3.

Fabiola/Eleanor will be the ones to help Devi act on her true feelings for Ben. This one is a no-brainer for me. After sabotaging their chance to be happy in the first place, Fabiola and Eleanor will decide that they want their friend to be happy and set things right. It will also parallel Ben mending their friendship in season 1.

Paxton and Devi will have some sweet moments in the first half of the season, but not without their issues. The lack of communication and their respective status (the way they view each other) will cause them to fight. They will break-up mid-season, but the ending will leave hope for reconciliation.

On that note, I do not think they will kill the love triangle. Even though we will likely see Devi confessing her feelings for Ben and saying that she wanted to choose him all along, this is still a TV show. Contentious love triangles = buzz and money.

Ben and Aneesa will break up by mid-season, but probably earlier. Ben will find it hard to be in a relationship with Aneesa as he grapples with his feelings for Devi.

Ben will be a pillar of support to Devi as she navigates how to be a girlfriend. It’s the classic trope of the guy helping the girl win over the man of her dreams, only to realize that the person she wants is right in front of her.

 Devi and Ben’s friendship and lingering feelings will culminate in an epic finale confession and kiss. Everything that they were unable to say to each other last season will be spoken aloud in season 3.

Ben and Devi are soulmates, drawn to each other and unable to avoid their feelings. I can’t wait for them to take over my life again next year.

[tolkien-feels]

Dusting off the cobwebs from this draft because watching the Leithian rock opera today has brought this to the forefront of my mind again.

This is sort of related to this post, but I actually love sheltered princess Luthien a lot. Not naive, and definitely not spoiled, but in a similar position as the elves of Aman - aware that evil exists, aware of the memory and the threat of it, but blissfully free from any first-hand knowledge

The reason for that is that she and Beren would be on opposite journeys that would meet in the middle

Luthien is losing her innocence, experiencing horror and pain and cruelty for the first time. And as she does that, she comes to understand her own strength, and how she takes after her mother and can be a protector herself. Her first challenge is simply to run away from home, and then that becomes fleeing kidnappers, and then rescuing Beren from increasingly dangerous situations culminating in saving him from death itself. If Luthien starts out not knowing what she's capable of, this is such a classic Hero's Journey kind of story, which female characters in Tolkien, interesting as they might be, rarely get to explicitly go through. (Side note: "Sheltered hero, partially guided by Fate, overcomes escalating challenges and comes back home changed, before moving elsewhere to live happily ever after" is literally Bilbo's storyline.)

And then Beren, the flipside of that. So much of epic literature has men having to prove they're good enough as protectors, and that's literally the premise of Thingol's challenge to Beren. And you'd think, if anyone can prove their worth as a brave hero, it's Beren. Except, no. That's not his arc. Beren, whose entire life has been a nightmare, who has known nothing but horror and pain and cruelty all his life, who can fend off for himself because if he doesn't he's dead - that Beren - has an arc where what the narrative expects him to do is... trust the power of love, and believe sometimes good things happen to good people. Literally. Which cannot be easy! He repeatedly tries to get Luthien to let him handle everything, because that's what he's always done. Reading the story you can watch in real time how he learns to let someone else take care of him for a change. In fact, his ability to simply trust (and hope) increases so much that by the end of it, when Luthien tells him to wait for her goodbye in the Halls of Mandos, he just... does, no questions asked, apparently.

It's such an interesting dynamic, I think, because by the end of it, neither does Luthien join Beren in his life of fighting evil (though she's proved she could do that if she wanted to) nor does Beren seek the safety do Doriath (though I don't think he'd be unhappy there) - they both choose a third path, where they find a place where they have to rely on themselves to survive but seem to be able to find great peace. In a story about two kindreds coming together, that seems very meaningful

Does the text back me up in all of this? Eh. Kinda yes, kinda no. Do parallels make brain go brr so I like to have the whole story be two parallels the break the laws of physics and actually meet? Hell yeah

[linnoya-writes]

Things I always hear Kat*angers argue (with counter-arguments):

1) Zuko and Katara’s elements might showcase an “opposites attract” idea, but they’re the same people: both are hot-headed and stubborn and would be at each other’s throats.  Katara and Aang carry the “soft boy/head strong girl” dynamic that is more healthy.

Let’s dive into this idea that Katara and Aang compliment each other better based on their natural responses to danger/conflict:

Aang is playful and cheerful where Katara is serious and focused.

Aang is a patient and peaceful soul where Katara is quick to anger.

Aang encourages Katara to reach for the sky, and Katara keeps him grounded.

Okay-- so it’s safe to say that whenever one partner is angry/frustrated, the other approaches them in a calm, collected supportive manner... right?

Actually, look closer.  These fun-loving, playful and peaceful kid-like traits embedded in Aang’s personality are traits that Katara always had in her-- she just needed someone like Aang to remind her that she had them.  The focused, serious and disciplined traits of Katara are all traits that Aang should be adopting into his own sense of maturity as he gradually becomes more confident and determined to be The Avatar.  

It’s not so much that Katara and Aang compliment each other enough to manage a relationship together, but more that they inspire each other to become more complex, beautiful, individual human beings.  Romantic potential between them has nothing to do with that.  

This “soft boy/head strong girl” idea of Kataang doesn’t even address the way Katara always hides her dark side/emotional issues from Aang in order to be a capable “voice of reason” for him on any given moment, or the fact that Katara is always defending Aang like a mother to a son, chasing him every time he literally or figuratively runs away from problems.  The dynamic between them is an imbalance of maturity rather than a balance of character traits.

Which leads me to Zutara’s dynamic; yes, Zuko and Katara are quite hot-headed, stubborn individuals who easily get frustrated when people don’t see things their way.  They have been at each other’s throats in the past... but here’s what people forget -- they stopped fighting the moment Zuko learned the error of his ways, stood by Katara’s side without judgment when she faced YonRha, and they became an unstoppable well-oiled machine of a duo who understood, respected and trusted each other enough to lay down their lives for the other.

It isn’t to say that Zuko and Katara would never argue or fight again, but the difference here is that their shared maturity, their understanding and mutual respect for one another would keep them at bay to hear each other’s point of view.  They have seen the darkest sides to each other and would know how to approach it calmly and collectively.  Neither of them would downplay or ignore the other’s anger; they would face each other until the conflict is resolved.

And that’s why Zutara’s dynamic, despite sharing similar character traits, holds a lot more weight and power that Kataang.

2) “Their bond is so epic that not wanting them together is like not wanting Han Solo/Princess Leia to be together.”

Okay, so, I’m not completely disagreeing here.  

I do understand that Katara and Aang had a spiritual connection since the beginning (very much like how Hayao Miyazaki sets up two protagonists to have a special, unspoken bond) and the adventures/obstacles they face together make their relationship all the much stronger.  I see Katara seeing Aang as the culmination of all of her dreams come true with the revelation that he is the Avatar, and that she brought him back, and I see Aang seeing Katara as the person who not only welcomed him into this second chance to fulfill his destiny, but to also guide him as a voice of reason into this darker war-torn world that he isn’t prepared for.  As Bryke once commented, Katara and Aang are the “DNA of the show” and I interpret this as the two of them moving the story forward... taking the initiative to go from plot-point to plot-point to fulfill all the needed tasks (ie. finding Aang bending masters) in order to have Aang become a fully realized Avatar.

My argument here is, why does it have to turn romantic?  Why can’t the bond remain as a spiritual, wholesome connection between friends?  Even Roku and Toph brought up the idea of friendship being such a powerful bond that it can transcend lifetimes in “The Avatar and the FireLord”... and I think the beauty of Aang and Katara is that it was a powerful friendship that occurred serendipitously and yet perfectly, setting up the entire arc of the ATLA story.  To me there is more emotional weight in keeping Katara and Aang as life-long friends rather than making things romantic.

The problem with turning their bond into a romance is that it brings up a lot more issues.  Katara is not a nomad like Aang; she would give up her own personal wants/needs to not just be at Aang’s side but travel everywhere with him as the Avatar’s SO, when we know that she is a girl who prefers setting roots, building connections and helping people for as long as its needed (”Imprisoned” and “The Painted Lady”).  She has a strong connection to her family in the SWT and would want to rebuild her home after the war and especially train new water benders.  Her SWT culture that greatly values quality family time, a meat-based diet, clothing made by animal skins would also clash with Aang’s personal tastes-- he’s not even discreet about how much he doesn’t like SWT food.  Furthermore, Aang as the Avatar would have so much responsibility fulfilling his work to the world that he would have a lot of trouble understanding the emotional needs/wants to Katara as a partner-- especially since in the show, he’s so accustomed to seeing her be mature enough to handle tough situations calmly and collectively.  Aang has even repeatedly avoided, ignored or downright down-played Katara’s angry and aggressive outbursts, so it goes to show that he wouldn’t know how to properly “be there” for her dark moments.  Katara has gotten accustomed to setting aside her own emotional headspace to instead nurture/coddle/support Aang.  It becomes a very lonely, very unsung existence, carrying that responsibility to be “collected” one in the relationship.  It’s easy to determine that this would continue as they’d get older, and Katara would continue to carry that heavy burden of always “being there” for Aang, but not vice versa.  

The emotional imbalance in a romance between Katara and Aang would be palpable (and it’s implied in LoK and the comics that they did have problems) especially since healthy relationships are meant to express equality and partnership-- where the two people interchangeably give love and support as needed.   

So yes, Kataang is indeed an “epic” relationship in the sense of friendship, but turning it into a romance would come at the cost of the individual characters’ wants/needs and development, and the healthy dynamic that they had as friends would suffer.

3) “But... what about Aang??  He’s loved her since the beginning and would be so devastated from Katara’s rejection, he wouldn’t be able to fulfill his duty as the Avat--”

Stop.  Just-- I’m gonna stop you right there.

It is not Katara’s responsibility to be there for Aang, especially as PR/damage control for the Avatar.  She does not owe Aang a relationship just because he harbored strong feelings for her, or because he’s grown to depend on her over time, or because he has this unbelievable power of the Avatar State that he hasn’t learned to control without her influence. 

Aang is the one who must grow up, who needs to be the Avatar and understand how to manage this power and sense of duty to the world.  On his own.

Aang needs to learn to be enough on his own.

... And while we’re on this topic, it is never healthy for someone to be figuratively “stuck” or “trapped” in a relationship just because their partner would be a lost, broken wreck without them.  

That is called “codependency,” and that is not okay.

[vyeoh]

this is your chance: wax poetic about an Empires or DSMP character of your choice to a fan who is new to both. Explain why I should love them. I need guidance in this new and meme-populated land.

okok this is a lot of pressure haha. Spoilers for EmpiresSMP and DreamSMP below, obviously. I wrote a lot so prepare yourself, anon

I watch a lot of empires POVs but the ones I most anticipate every week are Scott and Sausage.

c!Scott (I'll call him Smajor for the sake of simplicity) starts off the series chilling, not really getting involved with the rest of the server, and staying aggressively neutral. After all, he's an elf. He has lived far longer than most of the other rulers already, and will most likely outlive them for many years. So, the best thing is to stick to his mountains and not get invested in the dealings of mortal affairs, maybe sometimes causing problems on purpose and dipping because what's life without a little spice right.

But then, this demon comes to the server, Xornoth. He's going around causing havoc and wants to send the world into an eternal winter, but he doesn't bother the kingdom of Rivendell much so Smajor stays tentatively cautious but ultimately unbothered. But then, the puzzle pieces start falling together. The first thing that the audience noticed was was Xornoth sounded like Smajor, but we mostly thought that this was just due to cc!Scott voicing both of them and there was nothing more to it. However, then, the people the demon starts possessing start chanting in elvish. The demon hates mortals, and the elves are conveniently one of the two confirmed not fully mortal races in Empires.

This culminates when Smajor stumbles across a cave that contains the backstory of the patron god of Rivendell, Aeor. Basically, there's two opposing forces, Aeor and Exor, and both have a champion. In a previous life, those champions were two brothers, where Aeor eventually prevailed and banished Exor. In this life though, the champions are - you guessed it - Smajor, and the demon Xornoth.

So now Smajor is like. Well fuck. It's my literal god-given destiny to be responsible for defeating this demon who is technically my brother, and if I fail the server gets plunged into an eternal winter. And I have no fucking clue what is happening because I've just been here on this mountain actively trying to stay out of the issues outside my kingdom. We watch him panic and teeter on the verge of spiraling for an entire episode, and when the followers of Xornoth go to the End to kill the dragon, releasing Xornoth's full powers, he fails to stop him. Smajor is a character who was used to being the smart one, the prepared one, the one who has the least deaths on the server. But he's also a character who runs away from his problems and ignores them. Before and during the dragon fight, we hear the desperation in his voice, as he's thrown into a situation he is wholly unprepared for, and it's bigger than him going to the Cod Empire to kill their king, or assisting in other people's plans to kill the codfather. He can't run from this. cc!Scott plays this scene so well as well, as I've said before, one of the best parts of Scott's acting is how he's never super dramatic, but he's so effective in the little things like inflection to make you feel, viscerally, the panic and dread.

So after the dragon fight, Smajor realizes, I can't do this on my own. I've tried and failed. So he gets allies. We watch him, someone who has so strongly been an isolationist, learn the benefits of allies and watch him learn to trust others and watch him learn how to get that trust in return.

My favorite thing about Smajor's characterization is that he's an incompetent protagonist, but not in the way of the "plucky young adventurer". He's capable skill-wise, and fairly jaded and very pessimistic. However, his issue is that up until recently, he did not care about the rest of the server at all, and by the time he learned to, it was way too late.

Also, in 3rd Life, cc!Scott and cc!Jimmy were canonically married and they reference it sometimes in Empires. Like, Scott goes over to the Cod Empire every so often both in and out of character to kill and/or flirt with Jimmy, the ruler of the Cod Empire, which may develop as a secondary plot into the future who knows. So ty Scott for giving the gays what they want o7

Now onto Sausage: his is a story of Icarus, his hubris and ambition being his downfall. He's one of the two followers of Xornoth, who promised him endless power in exchange for his servitude. He started the series being eccentric, but not outright unhinged, but slowly gets more and more extreme as the series progresses, as he gets brought more and more to Xornoth's side.

One of the best parts of Sausage's character, in my opinion, is how his gradual corruption affects the people around him. Initially, he got into a conflict with the Cod Empire and was allied with two other people in the Witherrose alliance. They were allies, but also close friends. The fandom liked to joke that the three had sibling energy, and I'm pretty sure the ccs played to that even more lol.

It was painful to watch the other two members, Gem and fWhip, watch Sausage get corrupted right in front of them, and see them desperately clinging on to this old idea of Sausage in their head because if they faced the truth, it would mean that their friend was gone. Eventually, they do finally cut him out of the alliance, leading him to fully commit to the side of the demon. Sausage felt very clearly betrayed by this, and declared the remaining two Witherrose alliance members to be enemies.

He gets more and more possessed, and we even see the other Empires, his enemies even, slowly realize that something is very wrong with the ruler of Mythland. He starts doing more and more evil things, like killing people more, making sacrifices to the demon, and eventually helping to kill the dragon to free Xornoth. So things are good for Sausage, for a bit. He won, and is more powerful than ever. Then he finds out: he's going to die. Xornoth's possession is slowly killing his soul, and eventually, his body going to be fully taken over and he himself is going to be trapped in the spirit realm. So how do you react to this? Over the next few episodes, we watch Sausage struggle between "the demon is literally killing me" and "the demon has given me so much, and I love it", all while Xornoth takes over more and more of him. We hear him exclaim that "don't worry!! I'm still about 15% there!" while trying to downplay every time Xornoth completely takes over his body. We watch him willingly oppose anyone who is trying to end the thing that is killing him.

My favorite thing about Sausage is that he is undoubtedly evil and proud of it, but he's also undoubtedly human. If you like to watch evil characters go absolutely feral, he's the guy for you. He makes the deal with Xornoth in the beginning, knowing and fully embracing the evilness of the demon, but at the same time he knows what he's doing is detrimental to both himself and everyone around him, but he's gotten in way too deep at this point, and to be fair the demon has held up its end fo the bargain, right?

Also, I would be damned if I don't talk about cc!Sausage's editing. Every one of his videos is like a movie. The way he does camera angles and uses music is so skillful- every lore scene feels like something out of a high fantasy action saga (think: LotR). Every big lore event I always wait in anticipation for Sausage's ep because his editing truly takes lore to another level.

I'm just generally very excited to see where this series goes. Empires is such a good mix of talented builders and good lore. Part of the reason why the series is so immersive for me, beyond any other lore smp, is that they have the settings to back it up. There is a certain charm to the DreamSMP's objectively terrible builds (with a few exceptions) but in Empires, the settings help sell the plot so much.

Another part of why I love EmpiresSMP is how much the ccs are involved with the fan community. I'm sure you've seen the memes about Scott being on tumblr, and Sausage regularly goes through the EmpiresSMP fanart tag on Twitter and likes art, even ones not related to Mythland. Most of the ccs, in fact, have brought up tumblr content on stream at some point or another. Like, several ccs have said that they read tumblr lore theories and hcs and stuff and sometimes take inspiration from them. Fun fact: Rivendell's church was inspired by my pinned drawing; confirmed by Scott Smajor himself. It's just such a good cycle of ccs and fans being excited about each other.

As for DreamSMP, I'm gonna be honest here, the only person I really am invested in in Technoblade. I started watching when he joined the server, and he's the only person whose lore I keep up to date with.

Techno's fun to watch because he's like the Deadpool of DreamSMP. Virtually unkillable, very skilled and scary, but consistently cracks jokes and breaks the 4th wall during plot. His POV is just fun. Like, he does wild plans and gives speeches and some of the stuff that happens to him should be called deus ex machine if it wasn't for the fact that Technoblade is the one who's doing it, and all the stuff is grounded in the fact that cc!Techno is just that good at the game.

However, the fact that he rarely takes anything seriously makes the few times Techno is 100% serious so much more impactful. His whole character has a basis in being perceived as inhuman and being treated as such, and therefore in return trying to hide his humanity. So, when he shows that humanity, whether that's fear, anger, or genuine love for his friends, it really makes you go "oh shit."

Techno's often said not to have character development, but I'd argue that while he remains steadfast in his moral code, he develops leaps and bounds as a person. Like, at the beginning, he's brought onto the server to help Wilbur and Tommy overthrow a government; them knowing he's 1) an anarchist and 2) very very powerful. His character was more of a plot device at that point and was treated as such in the canon. Wilbur and Tommy straight-up lie to him about their plans to establish another government after they overthrow the current one, while he was led on to believe that they were abolishing all governments in the area. But he isn't a plot device. He's a person, as much as he only shows the terrifying, blood god side of himself.

After the establishment of New Lmanburg (the new government its a long story), his friend Phil joins. And for the first time, we see him be fully human with someone and we see someone treat him like a human. Like, we saw glimpses before, with Wilbur and Tommy in Pogtopia, but Phil is the first person we noticeably see he trusts 100%. Then Doomsday happens, and Techno essentially retires to the tundra. During this time, we see Techno learn to be more human, first with Ranboo, then Niki when he establishes the Syndicate. In fact, the two of them, along with Phil, canonically throw him a birthday party, which is a far cry from his treatment in Pogtopia.

Techno's development is one of a god learning to be human, and I just think he <3

[thewritingmagician2022]

Taylor Swift (Red) - Brothers and Dateables

Lucifer - I Almost Do

I bet you think I either moved on or hate you 'Cause each time you reach out there's no reply I bet it never ever occurred to you That I can't say "Hello" to you And risk another goodbye

This is like the perfect break up song for MC and Lucifer because it’s not really about bad blood so much as realizing that even though you want something, it might not be the right thing for you right now. MC is back in the human world and, as much as they desperately miss Lucifer, they can’t reach out to him or ask to visit because the idea of seeing him again, only to know it’ll culminate in another goodbye, is too hard. And Lucifer is just sitting in the Devildom, not having heard from MC in weeks, unlike his brothers, and wondering how he managed to misread the situation this badly. He thought he and MC had something but it appears that was all a lie. 

Mammon - The Very First Night

We never saw it coming Not trying to fall in love But we did like children running - I love you like it was the very first night

Oh Mammon, my lovely Mammon. He tried so hard to pretend he didn’t care about MC but it’s obvious to absolutely everyone that he would do anything in the world for his human as long as it might make them smile. He loves to drag MC along on his adventures and is always pushing them to take a leap of faith with him. While those leaps don’t always work for Mammon, he makes sure that MC always comes out ahead on the other side. It was impossible for them not to fall in love.

Levi - Everything Has Changed

Come back and tell me why I'm feelin' like I've missed you all this time And meet me there tonight And let me know that it's not all in my mind

Levi is the kind of person you meet and immediately fall into friendship with like you’ve known him forever (if you’re someone he likes). I feel like Levi could tell from day one that there was something about MC and, once their friendship actually developed, he knew that they were everything he’s ever wanted. It’s really cute how easy their relationship is, platonic or romantic. It’s like finding…well, it’s like finding your true friend. 

Satan - Come Back, Be Here

This is falling in love in the cruelest way This is falling for you and you are worlds away

Another perfect break up song for when MC goes back to the human realm. If you play the romantic route and kiss Satan before you leave, he tells MC how cruel they are because it’s like letting him have just a taste of their love when they know it’s going to end soon. This song fully encompasses the feeling of falling in love when you know you’re on borrowed time and you’ll eventually have to say goodbye due to the distance. You try to fight it and act like it’s not a big deal only to realize right at the end that you’re losing someone you’ve grown to love and it’s just not fair. 

Asmo - Holy Ground

'Cause darling, it was good never looking down And right there where we stood was holy ground Tonight I'm gonna dance for all that we've been through But I don't wanna dance if I'm not dancing with you

Red really is the break up album. It’s so funny but, while I know this is a break up song, it’s always sounded so upbeat to me and never made me sad. I feel like that’s exactly how it would go with Asmo when MC returns home. Yes, they’re going to miss each other like crazy, and they’re going to reminisce so fondly of each other but they’re going to keep living and enjoying life because that’s what the other person wants. Of course they want to be together but they have the best memories to look back at and they lived every day together as happily as possible. So, until they meet again, they’re going to dance alone and remember the good times. 

Beel - Stay Stay Stay

You took the time to memorize me My fears, my hopes and dreams I just like hanging out with you All the time

A lot of people make fun of this seemingly shallow song that somehow made it onto Red (which is kind of fair) but I adore it and it’s perfect for Beel’s himbo vibes. You’ve got a cranky MC throwing phones during a fight? Beel’s got his helmet. You want a boyfriend who opens doors and carries your stuff? He’s your guy. (Maybe not groceries though cause he will eat them on the way home) Beel’s not a man of many words but he shows his dedication in many ways and, honestly, he wants to hang out with you all the time. 

Belphie - State of Grace

Love is a ruthless game Unless you play it good and right These are the hands of fate You're my Achilles heel

A love song that’s both a celebration and a surrender, which is what I feel like it would be with Belphie. Their relationship started out dark but a twist of fate (and timelines) brought them together and changed the entire course of their relationship. MC turns Belphie’s ruthlessness into something soft and kind; they’re his Achilles heel, and now they’ve created something beautiful between the two of them that can change everything. 

Diavolo - Message in a  Bottle

But now you're so far away and I'm down Feelin' like a face in the crowd I'm reachin' for you, terrified 'Cause you could be the one that I love I could be the one that you dream of

The tune of it is very reminiscent of Diavolo. It just gets totally stuck in your head and you want to shout-sing along to it whenever it comes on. It also sticks to the theme that MC knows there’s something between them and Diavolo but is there every going to be a chance where they can actually be together? Do they have a chance in Hell? All they can do is let Diavolo know that they’re there and ready when he is. 

Barbatos - Treacherous

Put your lips close to mine As long as they don't touch Out of focus, eye to eye 'Til the gravity's too much - And I'd be smart to walk away But you're quicksand

Definitely Barbatos to MC. When the human exchange student showed up, the last thing he expected was to get attached to them. But they’re kind and smart and they notice him, even when they’re surrounded by the brothers and angels and prince and wizard. They draw him in effortlessly and he finds himself not just doing as they ask because it’s his job but because he wants to make them happy. Wants to prove that he can be the one to make them smile. He knows he should stop and push away their advances but, as long as he’s not actively pursuing them, he can’t be faulted…right?

Solomon - Begin Again

'Cause you throw your head back laughing like a little kid I think it's strange that you think I'm funny 'cause he never did I've been spending the last eight months Thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end But on a Wednesday in a café I watched it begin again

Solomon’s lived thousands of years so I think it’s safe to say that he’s fallen in love and had his heart broken many times over. After a while, it makes sense that he would put up walls and stop believing in love because it always ends the same way - heartbreak or death. What’s the point when you know it has to end? But MC is different. They see right through that mischievous, nonchalant façade to the real Solomon and it’s as terrifying as it is liberating, and just like that Solomon is falling in love after centuries of keeping himself isolated from other people. This time he thinks he might get his happy ending.

Simeon - Run

I could see this view a hundred times Pale blue sky reflected in your eyes So give me a reason and don't say no, no

Simeon, my love. I live for the angst and I think the angel and human trope is perfect for it. Simeon and MC get together in the Devildom where heaven can’t see. It’s forbidden and Simeon knows it’ll have to end but he can’t find it in himself to stay away from MC. MC eventually goes home and Simeon thinks it’ll be the last time they see each other until MC dies but he can’t stop thinking about his sweet human and she can’t stop thinking about her angel so they decide to do the only thing they can - run. 

[taggingtim]

Why I love Pre-Boot Tim Drake and why the Reboot has ruined him

I love Tim Drake.  He is my favorite comic book character of all time.  I’ve been really upset the past few days about what DC has been doing with him lately, and I thought it would be cathartic for me to write something up about it.  (No, this isn’t a rant about Tim being bi/gay; it’s a much larger problem than that. But I’ll get to that in a bit.) Bear with me for a bit of history, first.

When I was a kid I loved the Batman Animated Series.  I know this will lose me a lot of internet cred, but I always preferred the fourth season. In particular, I loved Tim Drake. He was fun and funny and I absolutely adored him.  I used to beg my mom to take me to the mall so I could buy issues of Gotham Adventures. For my birthday one year my parents got me a subscription to the comic, and I was blown away by the idea that I could have comics MAILED to my HOUSE.

Around middle school I started collecting Marvel comics, mostly X-men stuff.  I loved them, but when I started college I quit the hobby for financial reasons.

 Fast forward a few years, and I felt I was financially stable enough to start buying comics again. Rather than going back to Marvel, I decided to give Batman comics a chance.  I had no idea where to start, and when I found out my beloved Tim had his own comic series, I thought it was a perfect entry point into the Batman universe. I bought the complete series from a local comic shop and dove in.

 Tim’s Robin series was exactly what I was looking for in a comic.  He was very different from little Timmy Todd from BtAS, but I loved him. I built the rest of my comic collection around him, grabbing up every book that he was featured in, from Young Justice to Teen Titans to Batman, Detective Comics, Nightwing, Red Robin, and many others.  I have random books from series like The Demon just because Tim was in them.

 So why did I like Tim so much?  What about this character made me so excited for more?  I found in Tim something that I had never seen in a comic book before: character growth.  Somehow, though he was written by many different authors over many different years, Tim managed to have a character arc that is consistent and makes sense. Sure, there were a few small bumps along the way, but on the whole Tim has always stayed true to his character, and he’s developed in a way that the big name characters, like Batman, never can.

 When we’re first introduced to Tim, he’s a young teen who has been neglected by his parents growing up. He’s smart, healthy, and strong, but he lacks so much self confidence and has little sense of self worth.  Tim notices Bruce’s increasing violence as he grieves for the loss of his son, and Tim knows he needs to step in and help.  Batman needs a Robin.

 For most characters, this would be the part where Tim put himself forward for the job.  But he doesn’t.  He seeks out Dick Grayson and begs him to come home instead.  It’s only when Batman and Nightwing are in danger and there is literally no one else to help that Tim steps up and dons the cape. And once he does, he’s constantly plagued by self-doubt, terrified he will screw up and leave Batman worse than ever before.

 From there, Tim undergoes intense training.  He never begs to be in the spotlight, doesn’t push to go out on the streets before he’s ready.  His goal is to help Bruce as much as possible.

 Here’s where I started to fall in love with him.  All that self-doubt, the constant need to be useful?  That’s exactly what you would expect to see from a child whose parents had ignored and neglected him.  He finally has a parental figure who sees him, who values him, and Tim does everything he can to make himself worthy in the hopes that Bruce will keep him around.

 This is the first example of character consistency that we see with Tim.  And it continues.  When his mom dies and his dad is put in a coma, you see Tim struggle to come to terms with losing the people he loves, but never had a relationship with.  Tim almost never mentions his mom after her death, because she just wasn’t present in his life.  When his dad recovers and decides to stick around, Tim struggles to build a relationship with him.  He’s plagued with guilt because he’s finally found the father figure he needed in Bruce, but he thinks that he’s supposed to feel that way for Jack.  It’s a running undercurrent in their relationship that creates distance between them for years.

 This is already so long, so I’m going to try to summarize a bit more.  We get to watch Tim grow up.  We see his awkward relationship with his first girlfriend, Ariana.  He doesn’t know how to treat her; he’s never had the opportunity to observe a healthy relationship.  But he tries so, so hard.  All of Tim’s relationships are awkward, because he’s never had a model of a good one. Steph is a great match for him, because she’s very vocal about what she wants and needs, and she isn’t afraid to call Tim out when he messes up, which is exactly what Tim needs.

 Big things happen to Tim. He’s stuck with Jean-Paul Valley, who slowly goes insane, leaving Tim to try to keep the city in one piece.  He’s infected with the Clench, a plague that sweeps over Gotham and kills everyone it touches, and barely escapes with his life. His girlfriend is sexually assaulted, leaving him to deal with the fallout.  His family moves out of Gotham, and he has to sneak back in during No Man’s Land to help.  His relationship with his dad has intense ups and downs, resulting in him being sent to boarding school, punished in a variety of ways, and generally caused a lot of trouble in his life.

 Then people start dying. Over the course of about a year in his life, Tim loses his girlfriend, his dad, a close friend, and his best friend, each of whom dies under tragic conditions.  Tim’s grief is intense, and he is understandably traumatized by the losses. We see fundamental changes in his character.  He changes his costume from something bright and cheerful to something darker that reflects his emotional state.  He’s more subdued, his adventures a little more serious.

 When Bruce first tries to adopt him, Tim literally creates an uncle and hires an actor to play him, just to avoid dealing with the situation.  Bruce has viewed Tim as a son for years, so to him the adoption is an obvious step.  For Tim, it feels like a betrayal of his father, and it takes a while before he’s ready to accept Bruce’s love, home, and a place in his family.  

 When Damian shows up on the scene, Tim really struggles with him, and not just because early Damian is a horrid brat who tries to kill Tim on multiple occasions.  Tim has always felt the need to earn his place with Bruce, and Damian constantly throws all of Tim’s biggest fears in his face—he’s not wanted or needed now that the “real” son is here, he’s not worthy of a place in the family, he’s not good enough.

 Tim tries to clone Conner, his best friend.  He’s lost so many people, and he’s desperate to get them back.  Conner was cloned to begin with and fully matured over a very short period of time; the technology clearly exists, so why can’t Tim use it to get his best friend back?  And if he can get Conner back, why not the others he’s lost?  He eventually gives up, but when he eventually gets access to a Lazarus Pit, he immediately wants to incorporate the waters into his process so he can revive his loved ones.  With Dick’s help, Tim eventually decides to let it go, but it’s such a poignant moment for the character.

 Then Bruce dies, and Dick takes Robin away.  Tim switches to the Red Robin persona as he travels the world, alone, trying to prove that he was right.  He has to deal with the trauma of losing another father, finds out that his girlfriend never died but let him hurt so much for so long.  His brother and the only close friend he has left both think his grief has overwhelmed his sense and that he’s gone crazy.  He’s utterly alone.

 The Red Robin series is such a great culmination for Tim.  He finds a place for himself as a hero, as a CEO.  He gets parts of his family back—Bruce, Steph, Bart, Conner.  He finally figures out who he wants to be and creates a place for himself.

 This overarching character development is what I love about Tim.  His many, many traumas impact his decisions, and you can clearly see how he changes over time as a result of them.  I didn’t even go into his development as a leader from his early fumbling with Young Justice to his strong leadership of the Teen Titans, or how his relationships with Conner, Bart, and Cassie develop so fluidly and realistically over the years.

 This is why I love Tim. Characters like Batman are static; nothing that happens to them will ever have a lasting impact, because in the end the character always returns to what they were.  Tim, on the other hand, has changed and developed A LOT since his initial appearance.  His growth has always been consistent and logical.

 When the reboot happened, all of that character growth was lost.  Tim was replaced with a jerk who betrayed his friends and cheated on his girlfriend.  DC has basically retconned all of this and tried to turn Tim back into who he was, but by taking away all of the things that have happened to him over the years, Tim has lost SO MUCH.

 I keep looking for my Tim in recent comics, and I just can’t find him.  It breaks my heart, because I love him so much, and it feels like he’s lost to me forever.  The most recent Young Justice comic series actually gave me hope; I felt like maybe, finally, someone was going to write Tim correctly.  He had his primary friendships back, his relationship with Steph was developing (even if they seem to have completely dropped all the development around Steph’s decision to let Tim think she was dead).  The actual book itself wasn’t fantastic, but it felt like they were headed in the right direction.

 Over the last few days, I read the Batman: Urban Legends books.  I actually read the Batman/Red Hood story first, which was fantastic.  I was really excited to read Tim’s story (though I already knew how it ended).  Jason’s character was handled so well, and he seemed to actually have some character development that will hopefully last.  I anticipated the same for Tim.

 But Tim’s story was awful. The plot was all over the place—kids are being kidnapped, so Tim has to join a pain cult to get them back?  He’s somehow helping Oracle with computer issues while simultaneously questioning witnesses?  He’s broken up with Steph, off camera, shortly after telling her how much he loves her, but Steph somehow thinks that they should have a caring relationship where Tim tells her what he’s feeling?  Bernard has somehow become a good enough fighter to stand side by side with Robin?  Tim STILL doesn’t have a code name?  Why is everyone suddenly hounding him about what he wants to do with his life?

 It’s just such a mess of a story.  If it didn’t end with Tim agreeing to go on a date with Bernard, no one would ever have even mentioned it.  There’s nothing particularly re-readable or enjoyable about it.

 I actually liked that they brought Bernard back. I really enjoyed him in the original Robin series. It’s been a while since I read that part of the series (I’m actually working my way back through it now).  I know Bernard always read as gay to me, yet somehow I felt like he was out of character in these books.

 And then, the climax of the story.  Tim is bi, or gay, or has at least agreed to go on a date with a boy.

 If this had happened in the pre-boot, when Tim was Red Robin and had an actual character arc, I honestly wouldn’t have had an issue with it.  I do think it would have needed a LOT more build up than it was given here.  Tim has always been a very introspective character, and we’ve been party to so much of his internal monologue over the years.  It seems very strange to me that such a huge thing just sneaks up on him out of nowhere when he’s never even thought about it before.

 But more than that, this story just feels like the final death blow for the Tim I loved.  The whole arc is about how Tim doesn’t know who he is or who he wants to be.  What will his hero name be?  Will he go to college?  What is he going to do with his life?  These are all great questions, and his answer to all of them is… date a boy?  

 Is this going to be his defining characteristic going forward?  From here will we just see Tim exploring and discovering his sexuality?  The Tim we have now doesn’t have a family, a team, a purpose, or even a code name.  Why was this the thing that DC decided to give us?  It feels like they wanted to make a gay Robin and decided it would be Tim because they didn’t know what else to do with him.

 It’s stupid, but I honestly feel like I’ve spent the past few days grieving the loss of a loved one. The Tim that DC is presenting now is just not the person that I knew.  Tim would never break up with Steph that abruptly for what he admits is no apparent reason.  He would never say “just call me Robin, since Damian’s out of town.”  Everything that I love about Tim seems to be gone, and in its place DC has given me a date with a boy.  

 Again, it’s not Tim being not-straight that I have an issue with.  I’ve never read the character that way, but it’s something I can live with. My issue is the way it was handled. Why not make Tim an actual person first, and then explore his sexuality?  Send him off to college!  He’s obviously thinking about it!  It’s the perfect opportunity to give him his own book.  He can move to a different city, choose a new name, and DC can introduce a whole new set of characters.  Figure out which parts of Tim’s backstory are still canon, and which have been dropped. Make him a person again, and then let him explore his sexuality.

 I know this post is all over the place, and I don’t have time right now to go back and edit it.  I just really needed an outlet for my frustration.  Right now it feels like there are so many people who are so excited about Tim being bi/gay, but they don’t know anything else about him.  I keep seeing people comment how DC has been “dropping hints for years!” with no evidence other than “he and Superboy were really close!”  I guess I’d just really like to have some dialogue with other people who are fans of Tim, rather than fans of Tim-as-bi/gay or fans of Tim-as-straight.

 Does anyone else feel this way?  I’d honestly like to have a dialogue about it with other long time fans.

[impalementation]

spike, angel, buffy & romanticism: part 1

I said a long ways back that I thought the switch from Angel to Spike as Buffy’s primary love interest represented an interesting evolution in the show’s attitude towards—and interrogation of—romanticism, and I finally felt like expanding on what I meant by that. This is very long, very meandering, and not terribly academic or well-edited, but I hope there’s something of interest in it nonetheless. It is about 20,000 words in total, and will discuss, in more or less chronological order, the arc of the show’s attitude towards romanticism as it is embodied in Spike, Angel, Buffy and Buffy’s relationships with both of them. I was going to release it as one long post, but because it’s so long, I figured a series of posts might be more readable. Here’s the first one.

* 

“When you kiss me I want to die”: Angel and the high school seasons

Both Spike and Angel are at once capital-R Romantic figures, and lower-case romantic interests, and in both cases that Romantic/romantic duality is what makes them such effective avatars for ideas around romanticism. In the case of Angel, the show is aware from the beginning that he is very much a Romantic idea of something. In “Welcome to the Hellmouth” Buffy describes him as “dark” and “gorgeous”, evoking the “tall, dark and handsome” cliche. He’s mysterious. He gives her a necklace and his coat, gestures out of high school romance fiction.* In “Out of Mind, Out of Sight” Giles lampshades the romance of him: “A vampire in love with a Slayer. It’s rather poetic, in a maudlin sort of way.” Initially, Angel is basically designed to be a teenage girl fantasy, and it’s no coincidence that his successors like Edward Cullen or Stefan Salvatore conform to similar tropes.

*(Think of how five seasons later, a vampire will give Dawn his letterman jacket in “All the Way”. It’s hard not to read as a deliberate echo of Angel’s gift in season one. Once again, a vampire makes romantic gestures towards a high school version of “Buffy”, and later turns on her. But more on this much later in the series.)

The difference between Angel and those other, more typical Supernatural Romance love interests however, is that the show ultimately attempts to subvert the romance of him. As part of its commentary on Gothic themes, season two makes Angel more Romantic than ever (the Claddagh, the tormented past), and makes the romance between him and Buffy central to the story in a way it wasn’t in season one. And then, of course, the season tears it all apart. The first time we learn what Angel did to Drusilla it’s horrifying, but still somehow abstract. Something that seems more like it’s meant to contribute to Angel’s dangerous, Byronic image. As in, something to make him more Romantic. And then suddenly it becomes real. Suddenly, it’s something that Angel could do to Buffy, or the people Buffy cares about. It turns out that his darkly romantic aura was not just an aura, but genuinely dark all along.

In turn, Angel’s devastating transformation is a metaphor for broader disillusionment about romantic ideas. It’s less to me about a “guy going bad after sex”, and more about what it means and feels like to have the scales fall from one’s eyes in that sort of situation. As Buffy copes with the fallout of Angel’s transformation, and later is forced to kill him, I see it as being about the tragedy of having to see the world in ways that are less simple, easy, or pretty as one gets older. As Buffy and Giles say in “Lie To Me”:

BUFFY: Nothing's ever simple anymore. I'm constantly trying to work it out. Who to love or hate. Who to trust. It's just, like, the more I know, the more confused I get. 

GILES: I believe that's called growing up. 

For more on this, I recommend this livejournal post on “Lie To Me”, which goes into great depth on the way season two frames stories as pretty lies that one needs to look beneath, and how Buffy’s romanticization of Angel symbolizes that.

The whole arc of the season is Buffy’s failure to see the danger presented by Angel. In this opening scene that danger is foreshadowed. More to the point for this essay, Angel goes on to lie to Buffy about having encountered Drusilla. He doesn’t want Buffy to know about the nature of Angelus – which means that his first inclination is to mask the danger he presents to Buffy. This is one episode after Halloween, where Buffy’s romantic fantasies about what Angel wants (a damsel) nearly get her killed. Nor is she completely over those fantasies, as she notes that the mystery woman talking to Angel had a pretty old-fashioned dress. So against the backdrop of Buffy’s fantasies about her dark and mysterious boyfriend we have the truth about what he is, which is quite horrifying.

Season three then takes this to another level, by not just pointing out the darkness of the romance of Angel, but in fact puncturing his romantic image. Instead of emphasizing his dangerousness, as season two did, season three emphasizes his adulthood. It emphasizes the way that Angel is someone Buffy sees in secret, or away from her friends. He’s not integrated with her teenage, high school life, and doesn’t fit with the peppy, high school movie aesthetic that characterizes a lot of season three. By doing this, the writing indicates that at this point in their lives, Buffy and Angel are ultimately incompatible and holding each other back. Regardless of however much they might care for each other, Angel can’t fully appreciate her teenage longings like dances, and college, and having a boyfriend. And Buffy can’t fully appreciate his adult need to find himself on his own terms. By the end of season three, Angel is less of a shadowy, tragic figure, and more just an adult man who needs to finally grow up a bit.

Season three also starts making jokes where the punchline is that Angel isn’t living up to the romantic aesthetic he embodied in seasons one and two. In “Helpless”, for example, he and Buffy have an exchange where he waxes sincerely about wanting to “keep [her heart] safe, to warm it with [his own]” and although Buffy says the sentiment is beautiful, a second later she deadpans: “Or taken literally, incredibly gross.” To which Angel replies, “I was just thinking that, too.” Or in “Graduation Day, Part 1”, Angel trips on a doorway instead of making a silent entrance and Buffy again deadpans: “Stealthy.” Angel’s romance slips at moments when Buffy herself is feeling weak, either because she has lost her Slayer powers, or she’s investigating the scene of her sister Slayer’s crime. Her Romantic Slayer half is betraying her, and her romantic girlish half is feeling insecure. This is echoed by the reminder that Angel is no longer a straightforward fantasy man--or a terrifying, larger-than-life villain--but a guy who is sometimes both verbally and physically inelegant. 

(Notice how one of the few times season two makes similar jokes about Angel it’s in “Lie to Me”, the very same episode that begins to peel off the layers of deceptions and unknowns about him. Angel slumps around Willow’s bedroom and jokes about “honing [his] brooding skills”, he insists that the vampire wannabes know nothing about vampires right before a guy walks by wearing his exact outfit, and Xander runs color commentary, saying “you’re not wrong” after each of Ford’s observations. In “Lie to Me” one of Angel’s hidden faces is his dangerousness, yes. But another hidden face is simply his human awkwardness.)

There’s an interesting Slayage piece by Elizabeth Gilliland that discusses the idea of Angel as a Gothic double for Buffy, specifically connecting him to the story of Jekyll and Hyde. It argues that Angel’s split identities represent Buffy’s fears that her human and Slayer halves are irreconcilable, and she cannot fully control either half. In season three, the fact that Buffy and Angel must continuously resist a loss of control with each other, and are treated as romantically incompatible, reflects this fear. 

In Season Three, replete with various factors in Buffy’s life that threaten to put her role as Slayer and girl into imbalance once more [...] Angel once again returns [...]. The season culminates in an attempted attack on Buffy’s classmates during graduation, which essentially forces her to “out” herself to her community and combine her roles as Slayer and daughter, classmate, and friend for the first time publicly (“Graduation Day: Part 2” 3.22). The worst has happened: her secret has been revealed, the entire school knows about both of her personas, and she has not only survived, but emerged with a stronger sense of self [...] Buffy has conquered her first Gothic fear, and proven to herself that she can not only exercise control over both dualities of her persona, but allow them to peacefully co-exist. Thus, Angel’s continuing struggle with Angelus can no longer act as her shadow, and he literally and metaphorically leaves her to continue the rest of her journey.

It’s an interpretation I mostly agree with, and see a lot of evidence for. But in keeping with the focus of this series, I think you could also read Angel as embodying a duality between the romantic and the unromantic. In this view, Buffy’s struggle between her human and her Slayer halves is not just a struggle between personas, but a struggle to see the world correctly. In season one, it’s not Angel that revives Buffy in “Prophecy Girl”, because Angel is a vampire trope just like the Master. He cannot help her, because he is exactly the kind of traditional romantic concept--like a candle-lit cavern, an ancient Nosferatu-looking vampire, or a Chosen Hero duty--that Buffy is trying to escape. In season two, loss of control is specifically associated with passion, romance, and romanticism. Buffy’s human half longs for the romantic, but her Slayer half, and Angel’s vampire half, prove that sometimes the romantic is something dangerous and violent. The fact that Buffy’s Slayer identity and Angel’s Angelus identity both end up being outed by the end of the season (especially to Joyce, a figure of Buffy’s human home life), echoes Buffy’s loss of innocence. Season three then continues this suspicion of passion. Buffy fears that like Faith, enjoying the violence and power and desire of being a Slayer, means that she will go down a dark path. She also fears that indulging in her sexual and romantic desire for Angel will unleash Angelus. To some extent, these fears are even borne out, given that her love for Angel results in her attempted murder of Faith, and near death at Angel’s hands. But to some extent they also aren’t, given that she, Faith and Angel all live. 

To me, what really gets resolved at the end of season three is not quite the issue of Buffy’s human and Slayer halves, given that Buffy will continue to struggle with that duality until the end of the show. Rather, what gets resolved is the need for binaries. Binaries are romantic things. When Giles gives his speech to Buffy at the end of “Lie To Me”, it is the language of binaries that he uses:

GILES: Yes, it's terribly simple. The good guys are always stalwart and true, the bad guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats, and, uh, we always defeat them and save the day. No one ever dies, and everybody lives happily ever after. 

BUFFY: Liar.

In season three, Buffy thinks she must resist both Faith and Angel. She thinks she can only be either a human girl or a Slayer leader. Many plots in season three have to do with the danger of binaries, whether that’s the witch-hunting parents in “Gingerbread”, Willow dealing with her vampire self in “Doppelgangland”, the various alter-egos in “Beauty and the Beasts”, or Cordy choosing a Buffy-less world in “The Wish”. And no character in the Buffyverse embodies the concept of binaries so starkly as Angel does. Thus by the end of season three, Buffy collapses the binaries within herself by merging the human and Slayer parts of her life, as Gilliland observes, and taking on Faith’s traits. She acknowledges her shadow by kissing her tenderly on the forehead, and bids farewell to the illusions and binaries that Angel embodies. Buffy is leaving that part of her life behind, and starting a new chapter where she can no longer split either the world, or herself, into any one thing or another.

part 2: “Love isn’t brains, children”: Enter Spike as the id

[bryte-eyed-athena]

Afrofuturism in the work of Janelle Monáe

Ashley Clarke, a curator for the Brooklyn Academy of Music, defined Afrofuturism as “the centering of the international black experience in alternate and imagined realities, whether fiction or documentary; past or present; science fiction or straight drama.”

Themes of Afrofuturism can be found throughout the works of Janelle Monáe. Her previous albums like The ArchAndroid and The Electric Lady showcase this through the exploration of androids as a new “other.” Today I want to talk about one of her most recent projects, Dirty Computer, and the way it contributes to the conversation on Afrofuturism. Janelle Monáe released Dirty Computer as an album and a 48 minute long Emotion Picture to draw her audience into a visual and auditory world of her own making. The dystopian future she presents to us is very similar to our own current reality, except that the voices being amplified are those that have historically been silenced. People of color and the LGBT+ community are central in this story rather than pushed off screen. Dirty Computer is so powerful because it focuses on joyful rebellion, love, and freedom in an oppressive dystopian setting.

The project, as Monáe has shared, can be split into three parts: Reckoning, Celebration, and Reclamation.

Part I: Reckoning

gif credit: scificinema

gif credit: scificinema

The Emotion Picture begins with Monáe’s character Jane 57821 laying out how her society has begun to capture people deemed dirty in order to “clean” them of their supposed filth against their will. This is meant to produce beings that are stripped of all individuality and ready to conform to societal norms and expectations. Jane tells the audience that, “You were dirty if you looked different, you were dirty if you refused to live the way they dictated, you were dirty if you showed any form of opposition at all. And if you were dirty it was only a matter of time.” The dichotomy between dirty and clean has created a system where an entire class of people can be demonized and oppressed. This foreboding tone at the beginning prepares the viewer for the grim implications of the cleaning process in this universe.

Dirty Computers are strapped to a table and forced to undergo the “Nevermind” which is a program that deletes memories. It is a process that is horrifying because of what it symbolizes to the individual and entire communities of people. To erase someone’s memories is to erase who a person is. The character of Mary Apple 53, Jane’s love interest, shows us just how alien a person can become once their memories are gone. The horror of erasure is also something that marginalized communities have faced for centuries and continue to face today.

In an interview on Dirty Computer, Janelle Monáe said “I felt a deeper responsibility to telling my story before it was erased. I think that there’s an erasure - of us, and if we don’t tell our stories they won’t get told. If we don’t show us we won’t get shown.” Afrofuturism is a response to this erasure of black people and people of color in culture, history, and art. Monáe has made a deliberate choice to tell her story even if it might get erased because if she doesn’t do it then no one else will. Remaining silent would be to assist in that erasure and Afrofuturism is all about refusing to be erased.

This first part of the Emotion Picture is all a reckoning with the Dirty Computers and how they are pushed to the margins. The lyrics in Crazy, Classic, Life speak about how the same mistake made by two people on different ends of the spectrum of social acceptability is punished unequally. Take A Byte follows it with a more upbeat tone, but even then the lyric “I’m not the kind of girl you take home to your mama” speaks to a feeling of being outside social norms.

There are moments of light and joy that are counterweights to the dire situation Jane is in. These come in the form of her memories which are played one final time before they are erased. Jane’s life before she was captured was filled with exploration, youth, love and celebration.

Part II: Celebration

Gif credit: normreedus

Gif credit: daisyjazzridley

Gif credit: nerd4music

Dirty Computers seem to recognize that they are living on borrowed time and that any day could be the day they are forcefully disappeared. This is why they fill each moment with as much fun, life, color, and joy as they can. There are many scenes at clandestine parties where Dirty Computers live freely and openly despite the threat of drones or police that could capture them at any moment. It is important to have these scenes of celebration though because Afrofuturism is also about providing hope.

The future must be a hopeful one if we are to strive for it and Afrofuturism allows us to be creative in crafting our visions of a hopeful future. Even though Monáe’s future is dystopian, there is still room for hope and joy because those are the things that make life worth living. These Dirty Computers have to live their lives joyfully because they don’t know when they’ll be sterilized.

In the interview mentioned previously, Monáe added that “I had to make a decision with who I was comfortable pissing off and who I wanted to celebrate. And I chose who I wanted to celebrate, and that was the Dirty Computers.” The LGBT+ community, people of color, black women, immigrants, and low income people have all been mentioned as people Monáe wished to celebrate. This celebration comes intertwined with images and themes of rebellion as expressed in Jane’s memories. Screwed, Django Jane, Pynk, Make me Feel, and I Like That are the songs that embody celebration the best. Whether it's a celebration of sexuality, femininity, unity, or of self love it is all encompassed in these songs. Jane is shown connecting with others and being unapologetically proud of herself. We also see her falling in love with two people, Zen and Ché, and we see them love her in return.

Gif credit: thelovelylights

Viewing these memories and interacting with Jane seems to encourage the questioning of authority. The employee utilizing the Nevermind process seems to question why he should be deleting Jane’s memories at all. Mary Apple 53, previously named Zen, also directly questions their matriarch after speaking with Jane and realizing that she’s connected to her. It all culminates in a nonviolent escape attempt where Jane, Zen, and Ché reclaim their names, bodies, and their lives.

Part III: Reclamation

Gif credit: thelovelylights

The Emotion Picture ends with Jane 57821 and Mary Apple 53 freeing themselves, and their recently arrived lover Ché, from the facility. They escape without harming others the way they themselves have been harmed. By leaving they are reclaiming their freedom and their right to be proud of being Dirty Computers. They refuse the new names that were forced upon them and leave to rediscover the memories of the life they lived before capture.

It is a hopeful ending that plays into the themes of Afrofuturism. Even though both Jane and Zen’s memories were erased they still have the ability to create new memories and stories. Their ability to recreate their past as well as create a new future was not taken away. As they escape the song Americans can be heard in the background. The lyrics subvert the typical American patriotism expressed by racist white southerners. The trope of preserving gender roles and being a gun carrying american are satirized in these lyrics. America as a whole is being reclaimed by Janelle as a place for the people who have been marginalized.

Janelle sings “Don’t try to take my country/ I will defend my land/ I’m not crazy baby/ nah I’m American.” This sentiment is typically espoused by xenophobic americans, but when it is sung by Janelle she is saying that she won’t be forced out of America due to the bigoted beliefs of the people who hate her. She also pleads for the listener to love her for who she is which is something that has been denied to black women for centuries. The song ends with a powerful message of reclaiming America by Rev. Dr. Sean McMillan who said “Until Latinos and Latinas don't have to run from walls/ This is not my America/ But I tell you today that the devil is a liar/ Because it's gon' be my America before it's all over.”

This also shows themes of Afrofuturism since Monáe is reclaiming her history and is refusing to be excluded from it. She is asserting her presence and that of all the Dirty Computers by saying that they too have a claim to America. The Emotion Picture and the album are both a masterpiece of Afrofuturism art and music. Monáe masterfully weaves various musical genres and visual storytelling to show her pride in being a black queer woman. There is no other artist like Janelle Monáe, and I am excited to see what new worlds she will take us to next.